#it's messy and complicated i don't know how to fix it but their response doesn't help either it makes things worse

[specialshinytrinkets]

The funniest part about my OCs is that, out of all characters, Kee has the most normal parents (others I just didn't get much into-)

Like. There are three somewhat main characters: Derres, Lioo and Kee (like Sonic the Hedgehog). There's also Ies, but her deal is kind of Complicated™, since they're not quite. Someone to have parents. Cuz. She's a demon-

But anyways (warning for death mention):

Derres doesn't want to remember his parents much to not let the grief and trauma resurface, but he idolises them a lot. However, his speech about them is more often than not very... vague, prioritising the feeling of him missing their company than any specific memory. And I don't blame him, because, if you actually dig in, there aren't many niceties to remember! Being a witcher in a secluded place, from a dynasty of sorts, it was inevitable that a lot of responsibility would be put onto him, especially considering he is the youngest, most recent holder of the amplifiers. So, the pressure resulted in an odd dynamic where young Derres knew that he is loved (he must be loved), but would dismiss his own feelings to prioritise what is important, so that he would be given attention (the way to earn love). Of course, it does not mean the parents were cold to him all the time, but it was not an ideal dynamic. And sadly, one that could not be prevented or, at least, mended. Not now...

Lioo, on the other hand, despises her mom, namely because of how she handled her proposal to become Derres' apprentice. Now, obviously, she was 18 when she left home to do what she wanted, so you need to take this with a grain - or a cup - of salt. However, her decision had somewhat reasonable roots: she saw how much Derres provided for the community, stressing himself out every day, and wanted to easen up his job. Her mom did not take it well, though, shutting down the idea at every possibility. Think of "Blow My Brains Out" by Tikkle Me, specifically the chorus (lyrics):

Lucky is she who lives unaware Doesn't get bothered by those who don't care Lucky is she who lives unaware Who doesn't get bothered by all that's unfair Unlucky me who knows way too much Who fights to make changes and music and such Unlucky me, aware of the pain All 'cause I happen to have some brain

Mixing together teenager maximalism and seeing the indifferent response to trying to fix the issue is bound to create fire. And it wasn't put out, even after drowning. In fact... The rift deepened. Since, who else can be blamed for your daughter's death, but the man who "took her away with witchcraft"? Who else can be yelled at for ruining your child? For making a deal with a demon? Who else?

And then we have Kee, who has been fully supported by his parents throughout his entire life. Said parents tried their best to help him adjust to the prosthetics and reach out when their son suddenly isolated himself and left the city. He's gonna regret that, alright.

All in all, very funny how the guy you'd expect to have fucked up upbringing actually has it fine, he just got hurt much later in life than the rest, hence why his coping isn't very good. And well. We are witnessing it in real time, and not as a memory. Trauma is messy

[all-pacas]

What do you think about the comphet Cameron HC? I'm of two minds when it comes to it. On one hand,it fits her character and her universe,unlike 99% of those kinds of headcanon,not to mention it might add something to her arc. On the other hand,I think there are better explanations than sexuality struggles. Maybe she genuinely fell in love with her dying husband(it would be way more interesting than her having death issues for "?",IMO). The thing with House was actual admiration mixed with hero complex. Her deal with Chase was a mix of shallow sexual attraction and convinience (on Chase's part,I feel like while he did fall in love,he also had deep-seated affection issues and had a hard time cutting his losses and moving onto someone more emotionally available). My issue with comphet headcanons is usually how characters (especially female ones) can't be romantically/sexually complicated while straight.

In general, I feel like anyone can headcanon anything onto characters if it makes them happy.

I have to admit, though, I don't… love comphet Cameron, because (at least how I've seen it talked about) it actually seems to erase some of her complexity. I've noticed this a lot with her in particular: a desire to erase and subtract her feelings in order to conform her to a certain narrative.

Not to put you on the spot, but even you're doing it, anon: as presented in canon, Cameron actually was attracted to House (at the very least). She actually was attracted to and in love with Chase. Even if she has been a closeted lesbian this whole time, she spent more than half her time on the show in a relationship with Chase. It was an important relationship: as far as we know, he's the only serious one she had since her Dead Husband. Even though at time she struggled with commitment, they lived together (even before formally so, Cameron herself admitted they basically did already), got married. She said "love" first. They were very sexually active. For someone with as many issues as Cameron, regardless of who loved who more or how "convenient" it was, just getting married was a huge thing. It isn't something she takes lightly. Quite the opposite.

So even if you want to headcanon her as Gay All Along — which is totally fine — I've also noticed fans tend to go… "oh lol no she and Chase just break up, no hard feelings, they were never that into one another." They were! (And there's some weird sexism, too: I've seen plenty of people talk about how broken up Chase was after they split, how he has Trauma Responses after, and nothing about how Cameron must have been grieving too, how we literally saw her sobbing on the floor.) I mean, I joke too, I like to make fun of my girl, but the fact is, it was an important relationship. Even if she is gay, even if she was never really attracted to Chase (let's not even get into bi/pansexuality/the fact that sexuality is Complicated), she still loved him.

Even if her crush on House was admiration and messy and a desire to Fix Him and not True Love, she still had feelings for him. Maybe she didn't really want to fuck him (although…), maybe her love was half wishful thinking and half a fairytale in her head, she still had those feelings. I personally cannot stand that ship, but you can't just pretend it didn't exist to fit a narrative. Even if Cameron discovers herself and discovers she prefers women, these things are still true.

Just because you come out later in life, or break up with someone, or whatever, doesn't mean that earlier relationships don't count. Just because you're gay doesn't mean an opposite-sex relationship you had once can't still have meaning for you. Even if Cameron was never really in love with Chase, she married him — Cameron, who idealizes Romantic Love and Marriage and Soulmates and runs away from commitment out of fear of losing everything, whose main fears with Chase were "what if he dumps me someday", pretty much did the biggest and scariest and realist thing possible by marrying him. Even if you want to say she never loved him, even if they were a bad couple, even if they were doomed to fail, I think it's a disservice to Cameron to say "she didn't try" or "it was shallow." Quite the opposite. Maybe she even tried too hard.

So that's my issue with comphet Cameron. Not the idea of her being into women or men or no one (imagine aromantic Cameron for two seconds): the idea that Cameron's emotions and feelings and past is often erased for whatever headcanon or ship or (for lack of a better word) agenda. Into women? She never could have loved House or Chase or her husband. Don't like House/Cam? Clearly, she never was attracted to House at all. Hate Cam/Chase? Chase being all uwu heartbroken is fun because he's a Pretty Guy, but Cameron never loved him and only was using him for complicated reasons, or at best never cared but it's fine because she Likes Girls. No one ships Cam/Chase at all, but it's always because Cameron never loved him, because Cameron's feelings were false, because Cameron likes girls and that's all.

I get it — I love her, but Cameron can be kind of insufferable, she isn't treated well by the show, she was dumped by the show for no good reason. I'm not here being like "ship Cam and boys forever!" I just… hate how Cameron and romance is always a game of negatives. How her feelings are constantly diminished or redefined or erased. How she can't just be allowed to love the people she loves, how her feelings are always put down, how she's constantly made out to be heartless when she's anything but.

[nickjunesource]

How do you feel about today’s episode? In all the years I’ve watched, this is the first real disconnect I’ve felt between Nick and June. Yes, they told each other “I love you,” but it felt different this time. It felt for the first time Nick was truly focused on himself and not them together or June herself. Is there any coming back? I want them endgame, but I’m losing hope.

We have mixed feelings about the episode. We're very happy that after an excessively long separation, June and Nick were finally reunited. Their chemistry is off the charts as per usual. We got to witness just how deeply they love and understand each other. This was a small moment where they could be free in a way that they only can when they're together. It was so good to finally get a glimpse of them after this painful messy season.

We definitely don't think Nick was focusing on himself. He's miserable and suffering and trying to compartmentalise to survive. He's focusing on the child that he has on the way and on Rose because their situation is a dangerous one. Nick's really trying to make the best of a bad situation in a loveless marriage with a pregnant wife who doesn't want to leave Gilead. Holly is safe and June is too (though to a lesser extent), this child is not and neither is Rose. So it makes sense that they're his current priorities and that the situation is forcing him to stay and try to fix things with Joseph. June understands that people in Gilead, especially children, are in more danger and come first and she wouldn't want Nick to focus on her in this situation. As much as we'd love for Nick to leave Gilead in the dust and move to Canada to be with June and Holly and resist from there, that's not currently something that is possible. June and Holly are still very important to him and always will be, it's just that things are complicated and messy right now.

We still have another Osblaine scene to go according to Max and a whole season after that, so we're not worried. Osblaine will never, ever die. They're forever. We very strongly believe that at worst things will turn out ambiguous for Osblaine at the end and at best they'll get their well deserved happy ending. We still have faith that the show will give us and them some happiness.

Rest of our response is under the cut to reduce post length:

Liked:

The parallel with the stairs all the way back to the very first episode. Gorgeous.

Nick asking June to tell Holly that he loves her, misses her, and always thinks about her. Holly is always on his mind and in his heart, and it devastates him that he can't be there with her and we were glad to get a glimpse of that.

Nick and June's mutual 'I love you' and the utter beautiful simplicity in how that moment was framed. It was just them and their love. No extras needed (like promises of forever or how they're never going to stop), because we know and feel exactly everything they're feeling in that moment and know that their love is forever. Their love is the only thing that's simple and easy, and it's so beautiful to see.

The fact that Nick was immediately honest with June about why he couldn't leave Gilead for Canada and June's understanding and compassion. She was clearly devastated, but she understood and accepted it. Telling June about Rose's pregnancy must have been so hard for Nick because this isn't something that either of them want, but he did so because June needed to know. June's understanding of why Nick has to stay feels logical- she knows what it's like to have a child stuck in Gilead and to worry about them constantly and so her immediate understanding of why Nick had to stay made sense. They really understand each other and it's great to see.

June wishing that the world would just disappear. That is peak Osblaine longing and angst, and we love it. Reaffirming that desire of just wanting to be together and knowing that it would make them so completely happy is so beautiful.

Disliked:

We didn't like how Nick worded himself as very detached from Holly as a unit; that she wasn't part of his family and that he, Holly, and June were no longer their own family unit. We understand from Max's interview that Nick was saying the things that he felt like he had to say and not the things that he actually wishes he could say, probably to make things easier on him and on June in this very difficult situation, but it still felt odd and out of character for him. Perhaps if he'd had more screen time where we could get a better grasp of where his head is at, this kind of phrasing and feeling of detachment would have made more sense. We know Nick sees any sort of future with June and Holly as a pipe dream and that he's lost hope, but that's all. How does he view fatherhood? How does he view Luke's raising of Holly? How does he view himself and his future? These are important questions that the show has neglected to answer.

Nick saying he wished June had said yes to the New Bethlehem proposal. It's an idea that he is rightfully very skeptical about. Under no way, shape, or form do we believe that Nick would want June and particularly Holly back in Gilead. Absolutely none. There are so many better ways that the show could have expressed his longing to be able to be with June and Holly and his longing for June to be able to be near Hannah than this. What the show decided to do isn't it.

That Nick and June didn't kiss. They needed it, we needed it. That release was so desperately yearned for and they just didn't go there. It feels particularly unfair after we've had to live through an entire season of June and Luke becoming suddenly and jarringly affectionate while having a single fantasy kiss thrown at us and that's it. We saw on Bradley's twitter that Nick held back from touching June because a single touch would shatter his resolve and he'd leave, but still. They're clearly starving for some affection and so are we.

As for the rest of the episode, meh. The Hannah rescue mission plot was needless as we knew it would fail because of The Testaments. We also strongly dislike the New Bethlehem nonsense and the forced writing of Canada suddenly being bad. But there were some bits we liked- the Naomi and Joseph stuff is interesting and just so bizarre that it's fun, and Alanis treating Serena in a similar (but still nicer) way that she treated June was satisfying. As a whole it was just ok. We miss Janine especially and wish we'd had more of Nick, Rita, Moira, and Rose. This episode was better than the others, but that isn't saying much with how weak this season has been. We're just relieved that things are almost over and hope that the final season will be better than this horrid one.

[obsidiancreates]

Hey, just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I'd send a message but I'm shadow banned or something so it won't let me.

I really hope you're feeling a bit better. I saw the posts about what happened and your dad's response and it angered me so much I had to get off of tumblr for a bit. You really deserve better than that.

I just want you to know that I genuinely care for you and would be very sad if you disappeared off of here. I'm always here to talk if you need me (I can send you my discord or snapchat or even just my phone number).

Please take care of yourself. You deserve a lot more than your parents give you, and a lot more than you think you do. You are an amazing person and deserve the world and I really hope the rainbow is nearby for you!

❤🧡💛💚💙💜

Thank you friend <3

I'm... getting, better? I don't know. All of yesterday I had weird random moments of sobbing and anxiety heart palpitations and shaking and stuff, but I also had to work a shift yesterday so that like, might've been a contributor. I woke up anxious and upset today after nightmares but that's literally a daily thing, it was just a little extra intense today.

I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to leave everyone. That's the scariest part of what happened. I remember what it felt like to want to die, to hate myself, to think I was a waste of space and unloved and wouldn't be missed. I've felt that and I know that feeling intimately.

I don't feel like that anymore, and haven't in years. I want to live, I have things I'm looking forward to, I love myself a lot, I'm not a waste of space at all and contribute a lot to a lot of people's lives, I know I'm loved and I know I would be missed.

So it's scary to me that that... still wasn't enough. Kind of a sobering realization about my state of being, that even with all of that, I still got to the point I did.

It's terrifying. There's nothing about me that would be considered typical of someone who tries to do that. I am not self-hating and I am not unwanted and I do not think I am worthless. I thought, when I was younger, that if I ever got to this place, where I love myself and have things to Stay for and have small daily joys to look forward to alongside big months/years-off things, that I'd be better and I wouldn't have these issues anymore. I thought I'd beat it. I thought I'd won. I thought the little urges were just the last embers of a dying flame, and because I could resist them I was Healed.

It's scary that it's still here. It's scary to realize that it won't ever actually be a non-concern. It's scary to realize it can still win.

It changes a lot of things. But at the same time nothing is changing. My parents are trying to pretend it didn't happen, like usual. That's how it always goes, we blow up, it's huge and feels life-changing, and then we go on like nothing ever happened until it comes up as a festered, oozing wound with the next overflow. I don't know how to fix that. My brother doesn't know how to fix that. My parents don't want to fix that. They don't want to help me, they don't want the messy unsatisfying complicated process of helping me, they just want me to be fixed.

So I'm feeling... weird. I was supposed to go on a clean with them today but they didn't make me, so I get to "relax" in whatever sense of the word applies to me (it's not the traditional one, I can't remember the last time I didn't have anxiety and dread thrumming through my chest like an outpouring of concrete that never fully dries) before I have a morning shift tomorrow.

I kind of never thought I'd have to deal with this. I've had urges and thoughts since I was 6 years old, placed outside after crying because I was bullied with open outdoor hallways in a school right next to the highway, no-one watching me, and started thinking "I should throw myself into the traffic so that they know how they all made me feel since crying doesn't work." But I never actually tried it. I just sat outside, cried, and pushed through. I never thought it'd get to a point where I actually succumbed to one of those urges, genuinely.

This went into a ramble. I don't know. There's not a satisfying way to end this other than I don't ever want to do that again and I'm going to do my best not to, in whatever way and by whatever means I can to prevent getting to that point again.

[inconveniently-discorporated]

And

this is so special, like.

I know a lot of people see this scene as Aziraphale pushing Crowley away on purpose because his plans are insane and he doesn't want Crowley to get hurt, and that's fair but I've always read it as, essentially, Aziraphale having a panic meltdown because Crowley is going Too Fast for him again.

He's just come from a meeting where he has realized that the people he hoped would see reason and fix things, will not see reason and will not fix things. He's flighty and fidgety as fuck, looking around, super paranoid, wringing his hands, trying to calm down.

He's PULLING Crowley in as much as he's pushing because he's grasping at straws for what to do next because the answer to saving everything is Very Obvious but he's had thousands of years of Heavenly Training telling him otherwise. The most sincere thing he says is when Crowley walks away and he goes, "You can't leave, Crowley."

The next part is where I feel like it's ambiguous. Crowley says they can run off together and the look on his face... Honestly, I see it as the same look on the bench only the reaction is dialed up to 100 because they're in such a different, much more dangerous position.

I think it's tempting, it's so FUCKING tempting like yeah fuck it let's just give in and do this but wait FUCK you said the quiet part out loud fuck I can't do this fuck fuck fuck fuckkkkkkkk undo undo undo nope angel demon opposite sides stop it you idiot stop falling for it stop falling.

But the really special part is the response from Crowley.

Seeing the behavior for what it is, calling it out.

And even though he's clearly hurt as fuck, saying, out loud, with as much emphasis as he can (even if angrily) "We're on our side."

Hey, I know you still love me even with all of these feelings you've got going on, we're still on the same side here. Tell me that's not romance.

Especially the response after. Have a nice doomsday. He knows. He hasn't spent six thousand years getting to know every little thing about the angel for nothing. Rather than say something really vengeful or volatile, he lets it go and walks away. But he still calls Aziraphale for help the moment he needs it -- because he knows.

That's. You don't just find that anywhere. Humans are complicated, messy creatures when it comes to emotions. There's so many layers of how the brain works and how our emotions feel and what reality is and etc etc etc that receiving someone's anger and anxiety and saying, "This isn't about me, and I'm still on your side," is so fucking hard. And frankly it's romantic as fuck to me.

[schneereggen]

can I play devil's advocate? (´・ω・`) If you're tired feel free to ignore this one but I can tell you how I see that interaction from ca 16!

You're right, Guren at that point is mostly overwhelmed and confused but does know 1 thing for sure and that is that leaving his friends behind to go on is too high a price to pay.

He cares for Shinya, and he loves mahiru. Here, in my opinion, the feelings at play are his love and want to save mahiru... and the guilt he feels over knowing that and having slept with her, his best friend's fiancee. How could he sacrifice his best friend, the one he already failed by "cheating" with his gf and leave him to dword? So, he feels like he owns shinya but he can't give up mahiru and like you said he's tired of the burden of responsibility so his solution is exactly that: go shinya, you do it, you stay with her and fix this mess.

It's an act of love for them both, mahiru because he recognized she wanted to be saved, he's literally racking his brain to decipher what she meant and to go to her even if it's futile and pointless. And for Shinya, too, because in his eyes shinya is the one who he trusts the most, and he's being honest about it even if in a slight "no you do it" tsundere way. Who else would he entrust a mission he's been working on for so long, his love, if not his very best friend? The way I see it then he's being again a soft-hearted loser turtle that can't leave anyone behind not because he loves one more than the other but because he loves a little group of people too much, and he's loyal and can't let go. If he didn't love mahiru then he wouldn't have tried to save her after she kworded all his friends right before him. It's complicated, messy and surely toxic but among all the chaos he really does love her at that point and I think it's shown at least in ca16. (believe it or not, I don't ship them, but that's how canon reads to me!)

No,no. I'm not tired. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think you explained it very well, except one part.

I think you are relying a little bit too much on the word "love". As this was an old post I used love as a synonym for romantic love. And this might not have been exact. Because I agree with you, Guren loves Mahiru. I have shared this already more than one time: Guren doesn't love her romantically.

And everything you said was right, just that this behavior does not at all lead to the assumption that there is romantic love involved. Because for romantically loving someone, it is mandatory to want to be in a romantic relationship with this person. And Guren never wanted to be with Mahiru.

Responsibility is a form of love as well. We can't feel responsible for something, if we are not invested in it, if we don't love to do it. Else we would not care about it anymore. If we care, that's love.

Guren loves Shinya, Guren loves Mahiru and Guren loves everyone of his friends too much to let anyone go. And this is why it feels so weird to me that you judge Guren's feelings different than what he feels for Shinya or Mito. He would give his life for Shinya, he would sleep with Mito anytime if she wanted.

What is different for Mahiru?

Still, you explained his feelings very well. But I really can't see any romantic implications in this.

[cool-island-songs]

for the ask thing, you're getting old/ass burgers :)

Thank you for the ask! These are good eps in one of my least favorite seasons, so I have much to say.

★ Do I like this episode? Why or why not?

I like these episodes, but at the time they gave me a false sense of hope about the show improving, and I eventually stopped watching regularly during season 15. I just stopped enjoying it. These episodes remind me that being aware of a problem doesn't mean you're ready or able to fix it, particularly when it comes to something like depression, alcoholism, your hit satirical adult cartoon show being in a rut...

On the other hand, I've never seen a show come back the way they did and I really respect them for being able to do that.

★ Favorite moment?

The little details are fun for me in these, especially since the side plots are so (intentionally) dumb, and the main plot so heavy and sad. I love how disdainful Trey's shock jockey impression is at the beginning of AB. How greasy and zitty and off-putting all the Matrix people are. Hatless Craig sitting next to Tweek, smiling and singing. And it's true that parents are dumb, and their ears old.

★ Least favorite moment?

Honestly, the sh!t is excessive. The scene where it starts coming out of the doctor's mouth always gets me. It definitely puts you in Stan's shoes of being turned off by everything, but still. They really don’t have to make it so detailed on South Park, and yet they always do.

★ Do I have an unpopular opinion about this episode? What is it?

I get the impression people like these eps. I was drifting out of the fandom around the mid-teen seasons and I distinctly recall discussing them with my only South Park friend at the time. They were definitely notable in a season struggling to find its purpose. I recently saw someone on tumblr say they went to school and their friends all thought the show was ending because it felt like a series finale. I think I had a similar impression.

I'm not sure if this idea is unpopular, but these eps are responsible for fanon Stan's alcoholism in much the same way "T.M.I." and "The List" are responsible for fanon Craig's uhhh dick size and attractiveness respectively. It's a lot sometimes guys lol

★ Something I would change?

I don't know if I would change it, but the "Asperger's" element always bothered me because Craig is so obviously on the spectrum! I wonder if they mean to suggest that with his overall characterization, or if Craig is based on some kid they knew who happened to be on the spectrum. The latter seems more likely going off of the autism discourse in these eps. I know Stan's "diagnosis" is meant to be another dumb side plot that serves to accentuate how stupid and pointless the world around Stan feels, but save autism for a Craig episode. I don't know, man.

★ Rating out of 5?

Gonna go with 3.5/5. They were good, honest, self-aware eps in the midst of a season where I really only like 3 other episodes (T.M.I., CBAA, and The Poor Kid). All the dumb bits work because it's supposed to be dumb, but knocking a star off because there's an awful lot of lampshade hanging on that front

★ Anything else I want to say about this episode?

I’ve seen discourse about Kyle choosing to walk away from Stan and whether or not that was the correct thing to do, and I’m sorry, but I don’t analyze media that way, in terms of the moral rectitude of various characters. Where did people learn to analyze pop culture like this? What do you get out of it? People are messy and complicated and don’t always do the right thing, particularly when the “right thing” is subjective and contingent on social mores which are ever changing.

YGO/AB is about being in a rut, having depression, being a creative person or entity that has lost direction and enthusiasm. It's about the type of numbness and lack of inspiration that can come with depression. The rut Stan's in and the rut his parents are in in their marriage are a reflection of the rut the show is in. It's a meta commentary on the direction of the show, as evidenced by Stan's monologue at the end where he's like "Maybe this kid will be my new best friend!" I don’t think it’s one person’s responsibility to be around someone who’s making them unhappy, even though Stan and Kyle are such long-term best friends. But the temporary dissolution of their friendship is just another metaphor for the inner turmoil of the show’s creators.

[laynemorgan]

I was wondering if you'd be willing to expand on your comments in a recent ask response about healthy relationships/relationship conflict and what makes for the most compelling TV. I'll admit that my gut reaction was a hard disagree; I usually find ever-conflicting relationships tiresome and love to see healthy relationships modeled. But after taking a few moments, it's easy to see there's a lot space for nuance and variety (e.g. the overall level of volatility/stability of the relationship, conflicts about the relationship itself/people in it vs. a conflict exterior to the relationship which the people in the relationship have differing opinions on, etc.). In the end it may just come down to personal preference and perception of realism. I'd love to hear more from you on it.

For me I just think purity culture has gotten a little extreme when it comes to television and movies. I'm not super into sit coms or comedies, and I don't love like overly lighthearted TV that's currently popular. I just mostly find it boring. I like drama, and soaps, and shows that get into messy things. I totally get that for some people the escapism of that stuff is great and that those shows are not always purely vanilla, but for me I like things more complicated. I like relationships where people screw up and make mistakes and grow and are bad for each other and good for each other and get things wrong or right or whatever. Because to me, that stuff is super human. None of us are perfect. We will all at some point be harmful to someone else or do something "toxic" or hurt someone we care about or screw up. Great relationships, IMO are built on the ability to figure out your conflicts and issues. and great storyline is built on conflict and growth. On being able to build something over time and see how characters change each other or change themselves or work together or fall apart. It's an exploration, IMO. I think the only time that toxicity in relationships really bothers me is when it seems like the writing doesn't understand that what the person is saying is a flaw of theirs which as I've noticed tends to happen most with like "nice guy" type characters or nerd guy type characters. But one of the things that's really driven me away from a lot of recent queer television is that the relationships are too easy. They happen too fast. They're never allowed to have issues. That's just not interesting to me. I remember watching season 2 of Dickinson and actually enjoying that like ... Sue and Emily for most of the season were fucking MESSY TO EACH OTHER and not handling shit right and doing destructive stuff. I also think that it's silly to call human flaws and relationships conflict toxic. When in reality most relationships are built on learning to navigate each other's needs and faults and communication styles and such. My mom used to say that you'll never know if you can stay with someone until the first time you argue. Because arguments are where you learn how you communicate when you're upset and how you understand each other or not and what you do to fix it or not. Anyway, I'm sure it's more complicated than that but to me it's the push and pull that makes TV relationships interesting. It's the screwing up and falling apart and finding a way to come back together, and coming back together at the wrong time and ahving it be messy, and then hurting each other, and then the guilt that follows and wishing you could fix it and trying again, etc etc etc. That's story and human and complicated and dramatic. That's what I like. There's no right or wrong to it, IMO. Everyone likes what they like. But for me personally I find little value in relationships that are always conflict free and characters that simply know how to perfectly communicate their feelings and get everything right.

[eyelinerdean]

same anon-thank you so much for responding. <3

yeah i think it also cheapens sam as a character to have him respond like that. it's like they want to flatten sam into having no flaws (to them anyway) instead of allowing him to be messy and complicated in his initial reaction. i notice that cas also gets streamlined a lot in those fics too-dean gets made Worse and cas and sam are made Better. i literally think sam is at his most interesting when he kinda sucks so season 4 has always been my favorite for him.

dean is a fictional dude so it feels weird for me to get so defensive over him but after sitting down and thinking about it i think it's because i suspect this is how some of those users interact with people in real life too which i find distressing. like it ties into the whole trend of "go to therapy lol fucking stupid loser" ""jokes"" people make when anyone expresses any sign of emotional distress. people deserve compassion, kindness, and respect of bodily autonomy even when they don't follow your exact ideas of how they should be living their lives! dean doesn't need to self flagellate about past mistakes, go on a quest to "fix" himself, or conceptualize himself/his sexuality in a way that's palatable to someone else-he can literally just. exist and let himself be happy by his own standards that he dictates.

i 100% agree, anon. sometimes i have to exit out of fics if they’ve made cas too perfect in response to dean’s problems—he and dean both have their issues, you know? and destiel is so much more fun in general if you don’t put one of them on a pedestal. they’re both messy, they’ve both fucked up, and they love each other anyway! that’s the point!

and yeah. i don’t have anything to add on to your second point because you said it all perfectly. the whole thing is just… very very bad vibes. there’s no one way to self-recovery and self-love, and i think dean deserves to find his own route on his own time, just like everyone else <3

[thisdreamplace]

I'm so close to giving up on practicing the law (consciously) overall. It's like yet another habit (of conscious manifesting, living like a king in a kingdom/reality etc) that I've failed to incorporate

However, like a chronic sufferer who actually wants a way out ie who seeks a chance of living differently and not permanently not living I really don't want to give up. But I'm so disheartened of this

Ik yk what it's like, and I'm aware of how u pushed thru despite everything, and yk very well what it's like when u too were on this side

I feel like I'm caught in the claws of a beast that grows larger and larger. Btw this isn't a msg abt 'im the only one for whom manifesting doesn't work'. (Coz I have, by consciously focusing etc, seen evidence of the law and all), so this ain't even about believing in something unseen

Maybe it's an info overload thing. Idk. Ik enough by now, to realise the core of it is to live like it's already happened, deliberate before reacting so u don't perpetuate the old patterns/story/consequences yadda yadda

So what should I do? How do I refocus? How do I stop thinking Idk enough (even tho even now im aware of how the 3d is an illusion etc and I think I've caught up on all the real free deal on manifesting, law of assumption on the 'net). I think I'm tired of reading up on it and implementing it. Ik it's effortless (and sometimes it really is!) Still, I want utter power over my reality (not micro managing like, but there are still major aspects of my life that I wanna change). What do u suggest? ig my question (or monologue, amirite? 😉) relates to how I feel I'm all over the place related to this. I mean, you can't measure a company's performance w/o numbers yeah? And I'm an analyst (tho the messy-desk sort who teeters b/w must-get-the-finest-details to aye-imma-wing-it: and I can't force myself to be either at will 😒) who's gotten a mind blank

So yeah, please, by all means, knock me on the head, give me a wake up call, throw a book or two at me. I've been enrolled in the manifesting course (figure of speech) for so long, yet I'm not focused enough to garner true results (not blaming the 3d, but I mean it's kinda obvi when u ARE working but there aren't much results, how's that different from day dreaming or wishful thinking yeah?)

In conclusion, also, any idea how I can improve? What could I do (or not do) (other than self concept. I oft subject myself to the I Am Love peeps and they're pretty cool and the stuff they say is 💯) How do I pull myself together?

Thanks for reading this far! Thank you overall! 😎

I know you asked about what you can do other than self concept and I'm sorry but my advice is going to be #1: self concept. haha If it wasn't for me deciding to give myself my all, I don't think I'd still be here.

Here's the craziest thing about the law: we come to the law because we desire for something, then find out it was never about our desire. It was always about us. You see, the more you keep your desires at the forefront of your life, without putting yourself first in line, the more complicated you make your journey. The truth is, nothing needs to change except you. So you don't want to hear my self concept advice, you want there to be anything else except self concept, but the truth is your conception of self is your everything. It is the foundation upon which your world is happening automatically. Change your conceptions of self and you change your world. Period.

I mean, even now this is important for you because of everything you are saying. If you truly want to use the law to your advantage and finally live the life you know you deserve, stop running away from yourself. Stop wanting your desires to fix your issues. Stop looking for a technique to make the magic happen. Only you can make this work. That's the thing about it. You've said you read enough, no? So at this point you should have some sort of idea of what you're into, what kind of things make sense to you. Actually start to apply it now. Like seriously. Dedicate the rest of the year to applying the law in the way that makes sense to you. Make sure your #1 goal is yourself. The only progress/change you need be worried about is a change within yourself.

If you want utter power you give it to yourself. And I'll be upfront. For some it's an easy and powerful experience. For me, it's been difficult, painful, and uncomfortable. But that's because I was so engulfed in my victim mentality for so many years. I wanted someone to come by so badly and save me and even after the law, I had a hard time giving that up. The more attached we are to the old story, the more difficult our journey will be. And that's okay. We have to be gentle with ourselves in those tough moments. It's not a race and you're doing everything perfectly. When I finally decided to take responsibility for myself was the moment my life changed for the better. More and more the law clicks and I feel more confident in who I am as God of my reality. But you have to be willing to leave that victim mentality behind you. How can you take on full power of your reality, while living like a victim? You automatically give your power away like that. So, drop it. No matter how scary and uncomfortable it is. You must.

There's a certain amount of mental discipline that must be practiced when it comes to the law. So for that, I recommend meditation. Any way you want to do it. No you don't need to be focused on the law all the time but you need to be aware who's in control of your reality. It's you. You don't get anytime off from being God, it's a full time job. That's why self concept is so important, because it's what is manifesting naturally 24/7. So the least you can do is make sure your foundation is one in which you actually want to be operating from.

Hopefully this helps to pick you up and give you some idea of where to go next on your journey! You absolutely got this! And don't forget to take care of yourself and look out for yourself as you continue on your manifestation journey. 💖

[cream-and-tea]

Why hello there

Well, well, well. If it isn't my oldest enemy, introducing myself to anyone in any capacity. Ok so after lurking around this community since I made my blog and keeping track of (ie: lowkey highkey stalking) a bunch of amazing people with amazing work I've decided to face the Mortifying Ordeal Of Being Known (ie: my anxiety) and make an actual post introducing myself. If for no other reason then to let people know what the hell is up with the idiot behind this screen.

So, what the hell is up with

the idiot behind this screen?

⎯hi yes that's me.

⎯you can call me Créme! Because I didn't pick a proper pen name before and now I'm attached to this one

⎯I've basically always thought about stories and writing for my whole life. But I only really got into it when I was around ten years old and had just started writing poetry. That was basically my gateway drug into all of creative writing lmao

⎯speaking of poetry. I do quite a lot of it and hope to create an anthology of my work someday (^^;;

⎯I like tea (obviously,) mostly herbal kinds that I will put milk in purely out of spite (and because it tastes good)

⎯I also like classic literature and history but probably for all the wrong reasons (hmu if you've got any Good Facts) and abusing my right to use brackets

⎯as for what I write currently it's just a lot of girls losing their morals and then kissing because I'm classy like that

⎯in all (a bit more) seriousness my w.i.ps tend to explore complicated character dynamics (just in general but mostly between friends/lovers or any combination of those two,) society being kind of horrible, and characters who at least try to do good in spite of that (or not.)

⎯speaking of my w.i.ps.......

Oops all gays

(aka the w.i.p pile)

⎯⎯ ALL FALL DOWN

⎯ aka "the superhero one"

⎯ stupidly self indulgent enemies-to-begrudging-allies-to-lovers wlw romance

⎯ seriously the p i n i n g in this book Jesus Christ

⎯ it causes me physical pain and I'm the one writing it

⎯ one mind controlling villain with no idea what the fuck he's doing, six disaster gays with something to prove, superpowers and an apparent death wish, two rival teams working together plus a huge delicious heaping of trauma

⎯ what could possibly go wrong? (Spoilers: literally everything)

⎯ themes include: coping with trauma| redemption| what makes someone a hero| what makes someone a villain| the dangers of obsessive hate and revenge| My Body Is Not My Own It Belongs To The Cause| found family| no one is really the "good guy" but they're trying anyways| the idea of "saving people" and fixing everything and how messed up that can get| and Loving Despite It All(tm)

—this one is basically my child to be honest and I can't wait to share more of it!

⎯⎯SWEET DREAMS

⎯ aka "the wtf even is this one"

⎯ a short story told from the pov of a dead girl as she recounts her own murder

⎯ we got an unhinged wlw couple in this one and oooh boy it ain't healthy

⎯ increasingly messy narration as she relives her trauma

⎯ lots of flower/dirt imagery

⎯ themes include: purity and filth| grief and death| coming to terms with a toxic relationship| realizing it was Not Your Fault| some weird religious subtext??? Kinda?? not even I rlly don't know what's going on there

⎯⎯ HUNGRY DOGS

⎯ aka "the! space!! Heist!!!"

⎯ basically three dumbasses get fucked over so they decide to fuck over the government as well (and also kind of sort of save humanity as they know it.)

—creepy!! Mind control! Plants!!

⎯ a little lite dystopia (tm)

⎯ space! Pirates!!

⎯ seriously how much plant based body horror can I shove into this sci-fi set entirely in space (the answer is: as much as possible)

⎯ themes include: collective responsibility| the body as a tool/weapon| autonomy in general| Humanity Is Dying (tm)| but that doesn't mean it's not worth fighting for| also redemption bc I'm trash

⎯ it's actually a lot more underdeveloped than the others but I wanted to let you know it exists

Sooo, yeah....

[mbtinep]

hi! I would loove some help figuring out my type. I feel like I've been trying to figure it out for years. I'll feel like a type fits me until it doesn't & then another type makes more sense until it doesn't lol so any help would be greatly appreciated! I don't even know where to begin, it's so hard to describe myself ahh because I feel like there's no one thing I could say to peg me down cause itd just be a contradiction. I feel like I fit into every category yet I don't fit anywhere truly. (1)

Hello. Thank you for reaching out.

You seem obviously ENFP, almost suspiciously so, but then after I looking at your blog I had the additional guess of ESFP.

–

It is very typical (and known among typology circles) that type-hopping and feeling like no type can quite define you and your endless “contradictions” is an xNFP enneagram 4 “redflag.” The amount of typing help asks sent by xNFPs repeating these claims, verbatim, is so staggering that it turned into something that typers and regular typology blogs alike have learned to see coming from miles away as if it came with alarms blaring. Why would this be an xNFP thing, you ask? it’s because the combination of high Ne and low Te is perfect for falling into this trap: Ne is built to see many possibilities and give them all equal consideration, not being inclined to refine any of those ideas or settling for one, so everything can seem “right” or “wrong” at the same time, while low Te, when underdevelopped, has trouble finding the right information about both one’s self and the theory (which is not helped by poor self-awareness that many high Fi usersnsuffer from), selecting the right material, organizing it suitably and working it through to the most plausible conclusion. Instead, underdevelopped low Te takes messy, or not completely conscious routes, and comes up with loose results, wondering why nothing makes sense. In addition to this, high Fi users tend to intensely want to identify with things that they want to identify with, what they perceive as good (or bad, in the case of the ‘edgy" ones), in short: anything that their Fi values, rejecting the truths about themselves shall they not fit with their own constructed identity.

Your tritype seems strongly influnced by 7w6 and 4w3, with probably a 9 fix. If you don’t know the enneagram, I suggest you put some research into the subject, as I’m sure you’d take a liking to it; those enneagram types can influence your mbti typing because they already make you seem like an xNFP regardless of what you are. The good news is that they tend to correlate quite heavily with those mbti types.

“I love people and connecting with people but they also exhaust me and I love being alone but sometimes that’s not good for me either” is typical for SO/sps, as social/self-pres variants want to connect with people but are held back by their auxilliary instinct, but this can be explained another way: ENFPs are known to be “introverted” extroverts, which could be your case.

I was open to the possibility that you are an Se dom, a sensor, because of the pragmatic and down to earth vibe of your blog. However, that could just be the identity your high Fi/enneagram 4 has constructed for you (at least at the moment.) You say you love stimulation, but what kind of stimulation do you gravitate more towards? is it intellectual, or physical…etc. This can give us a definitive idea on whether you’re a Sensor or an iNtuitive.

The tendency to daydream all sorts of adventurous scenarios instead of following them through is a general 7/Ne dom thing, as Ne is excited by new opportunities and loves optimistic ideas but lacks the Si to follow through, or the Te to make a coherent plan to reach that goal. This results in the Ne dom stagnating. You confusion about life is a hallmark of the age and period of developement that you’re in, as well as an enneagream 7 feature, but it’s more often a problem for iNtuitives than it is for Sensors. It could be due to a type of perfectionism: Ne wants to keep being open to new possibilities in hopes to pursue them somehow, but they have trouble thinking of the right possiblities to pursue or how to get there, and can’t settle on one thing because you feel insecure about missing out on the others. “it gets to complicated when I think too much about it” seems to be a reluctance to adress the issue head on, probably unconscious. You have to find out why it seems to be so complicated.

“I also think I’m a perciever but I’m also pretty orderly and I like to clean/ organize if I’m in the right mood, I’m also on time to things which is usually not something percievers are good at so it confuses me.” Perceivers can be quite clean and organized, it is a myth that judgers have to be physically in order while Perceivers have to be messy. It’s an oversimplification of the information, “I’m pretty responsible and have always been mature/“the mom friend” but also not at the same time. “ is also an overly simplified statement (low Te) and it is known that with tert Te, ExFPs can show a sudden, very organized or more bossy side than usual. To conclude, everything points towards the low Te and Pe dom problems.

I’m pretty sure you’re an ENFP, but you could still be an ESFP. You probably think you already sent me way too much, and cannot dare to add to the pile, but don’t worry about that, feel free to send any addition if you want to go more in detail about something or have a question/disagreement.

—

I’m here to help with self-typing, and answer questions about mbti and enneagram. Send me an ask, my askbox is open.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Hey, everything seems difficult right now, it's so clear you're giving it your all though. I've been following your posts for a long time now and I know we don't see everything or see it from your exact perspective, but it seems like your posts say that no support that is offered to you is okay and you don't want to do it to its full length because you know it's not helping, as in when in outpatient that it's not suited enough, and when inpatient, even different types of edu stays, its not suited. That may well be the case as we all know that Ed treatment isnt often the best in the UK, I'm worried that it's anorexia clouding things, even your most recent one saying that you want to discharge because you know you can do it in the community and that inpatient isn't helping, I feel like that's been said before and I'm just curious as to whether it could be the Ed poking through in a really subtle way. Maybe it's worth seeing this admission through to its full extent, listening to the team around you and seeing what happens, if the drive to recover is there then you can still carry that with you inpatient, it's just less risky than trying to do it in outpatient when you've been stuck for so long. It also may be hard to get another admission like this if you discharge yourself and it doesn't work out how you'd have hoped. I know that I used to do things I genuinely thought would help with my recovery but with hindsight was my Ed trying to pull strings and I just couldn't see it at the time. I really really don't mean this in any negative way at all, so I really hope it doesn't come across like that, I've tried hard to make sure it doesn't sound harsh or negative in anyway because I don't mean it in that way, it's just something I've noticed.

You make interesting and valid points. Having taken a big step back and looked at the bigger picture/reflecting, I would agree that I have time and time again continued to point out the flaws of services, units, admissions etc etc to distract from having to take responsibility and trying to find blame in others. I agree that it probably was a tactic that anorexia was using in order to cloud my vision, keep me stuck in these cycles, and using the same 'coping' mechanisms.

I am not naive to the possibility that anorexia could well be trying to pull the wall over my eyes/trying to trick me, which is why I know that I need to be sensible and not rush into everything. If I were to discharge myself soon then I am going to have to make sure that things are completely different to how they have been in the past (e.g. not insisting that I can do it all on my own, keeping accountable, committing to changes and have agreed goals and exposure)

I have stuck out some admissions, with my longest spanning 8 months, but I think its important to remember that different approaches work for different people at different times in their lives. There is no one fix or cute. There is a lot more to consider; we are multifaceted human beings that cannot be reduced to tick boxes. there can be a lot more going on in multiple areas and parts of a person's life that will contribute to whether a certain treatment style or model will support them in the way that they need or be the appropriate focus at that point in time in their life. Mental illnesses are incredibly complicated and messy; there are layers under layers under layers and only by exploring, trying and being willing to be vulnerable can we discover what lies underneath.

I appreciate your concern and will keep your words in mind. I am sorry that you have had similar experiences, I hope that you are doing okay and that you have found the things that make you feel more alive xx