#it's not perfect but it's okay it doesn't need to be

[girlgenius1111]

i'll never leave. never mind.

alexia putellas x reader after the loss of her brother, r tries to deal with her world collapsing. alexia is determined to help her through it, but r doesn't want to drag her girlfriend down with her. some things in life are just too hard to overcome; for r, will this be one of them? angst + fluff. mentions of suicide. basically, a long fic about grief and healing. this is so sad and so long im so sorry. fluff throughout though, because i'm me.

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The phone was staring at you, you were sure. Or maybe it was the missed calls from your girlfriend, the dry texts you’d sent her that gave no indication of how you were feeling. You were at the airport, flying back to Barcelona, and Alexia didn’t even know you were coming. Originally, you weren’t supposed to fly back until the weekend. You’d moved your flight up, though, beyond desperate to see Alexia. 

Your perfect girlfriend, who had been checking on you everyday. Who had offered to come to you if you needed her, no matter what it took. You’d been distant, and you knew it. From the moment you’d heard, you’d pulled away from Alexia. It wasn’t what she’d wanted, and it wasn’t what you’d wanted, but there was no choice for you. Everyone else had to come first. 

You were putting everyone else first when you played in the second leg against Chelsea, hours after finding out that your brother was dead. When you flew home right from London, but didn’t let Alexia go with you. When you’d insisted she return to Barcelona with the team, that she couldn’t come with you. When you only called her to say a brief goodnight, only returned her texts to assure her that you were, in fact, okay. 

It would have made her insecure, maybe, if she hadn’t been so sure of what you were doing. Alexia had always been your safe place. The person you were always comfortable crying in front of, the person you told your biggest fears too. Avoiding her meant avoiding feeling. 

You were the oldest, and with that came the responsibility to be strong. For your parents and your other siblings, you had to be the strong one. Alexia had heard from your sister, Bella, that you’d taken care of everything related to the funeral. You’d jumped head first into planning it, barely taking a second to greet your family before you were asking about flower arrangements and eulogies. Bella told Alexia that she hadn’t seen you shed a single tear. You were a shell of yourself, yes, but it was numbness that you radiated, not pain. Not the agony she was sure you were feeling. You had decided that you had to be strong for everyone else, and that meant not feeling any of it. That meant pushing down every emotion, no matter what it took. 

And if anyone understood that, it was Alexia. She had done the same thing when she’d lost her father; held everything together for her sister and her mother. She pretended she was fine. Alexia had held her sister as she cried, and helped her mother cook and clean and plan. She’d been the oldest, and she’d been strong too. 

Alexia had lasted a few weeks, pretending she was okay. Before every emotion she’d ignored spilled out and she broke. Completely and entirely broke. And she knew, very well, that you were headed for the same thing if you didn’t stop pushing everything down.

There wasn’t much she could do from hundreds of miles away, though, so she did her best to text and call you and remind you, every second of every day, that she loved you more than anything. And that she was only a phone call away. Even if you hadn’t been very receptive to these reminders, you’d noticed, and she knew you appreciated them.  

Now, though, sitting in the bustling airport, you were afraid to go home. Afraid to face your girlfriend, whom you’d been practically ignoring. Afraid to face the reality that was regular life without your brother. Afraid to face every dark and painful emotion you’d been ignoring. You pushed and pushed and pushed them away, until you couldn’t really even remember what it felt like to feel. You were numb. And you weren’t sure if you wanted to stay that way or not. 

What you did want, though, was Alexia. You wanted her to hold you, wanted to hear her heartbeat in your ear. Feel her kiss the top of your head, and scratch your back as you fell asleep. So, it was to Barcelona, to home, to Alexia, that you went, 5 full days before you were supposed to. You just needed to work up the guts to tell Alexia that you were coming home. 

------

Alexia made up her mind to fly to you half a dozen times, only to talk herself out of it. She had no idea how you were feeling, how you were doing, other than the very unsettling updates she’d gotten from your sister. She ached to hear your voice and feel your warm body pressed against hers; she was miserable. 

The team had just arrived at Johan for the midweek match when you finally did call her. Shushing everyone dramatically, Alexia rushed out of the room and answered. 

“Hi Ale.” 

“Mi amor.” She sighed, deeply relieved to hear the sound of your voice. You sounded numb and completely unlike yourself, but you were calling her all the same. 

“Hi.” You repeated, a bit weakly. “I just wanted to wish you good luck.” 

Alexia wanted to cry. Your brother's funeral had been today, and still you remembered to call her and wish her luck on a match she was a bit nervous for. “Thank you, amor. How are you? Are you sure I can’t come today after the match? You are there through this weekend, I want to be with you.” 

“No, no it’s okay. I’m at the airport right now, actually. I’ll be home tonight.” You admitted, nibbling on your lip anxiously. 

“You are coming home today? I thought you were going to stay with your family for a bit longer.” Alexia was thrilled, honestly, but still confused. 

“I was, but I changed my mind. It’s been crazy here, I just want to come home.” 

“Okay, amor. Whatever you want. Whatever you need. When do you land?”

“Right before the match ends. I’ll probably beat you home.” 

“I am excited to see you, bebe. I have missed you so much.” The captain told you gently, using the soft voice that she really only used with you. One that was dripping with love. 

“I’ve missed you too.” You whispered. “You have no idea.” 

“Soon though. Soon. I will come home straight after the game.” 

“Thank you, Alexia. For being so understanding and patient, I’m sorry I’ve been weird this week-”

“Do not apologize, please. You have nothing to be sorry for.” She paused, hearing shouts of her name coming from the other room. “I have to go, but I’ll see you soon. So soon.” 

“Bye, Ale. I love you, good luck today.” 

After hanging up, Alexia knew she had to get her head in the game. There was a match to play, a team that needed her. And even if her heart was boarding a plane in England, getting ready to fly back to her, she had to focus. For the next few hours at least. 

------

Alexia was barely through the door before you were crashing into her arms, absolutely launching your body at hers. You were trembling, trying to contain the whine that came from deep in your throat at the feeling of being safe again. The blonde grabbed you fiercely, pulling you into her arms and squeezing tight. You were lifted off the ground briefly, but you barely even registered it, gripping the blonde’s sweatshirt tight in your fists and shoving your face into her shoulder. 

 Alexia had been trying not to be worried this whole time that you didn’t need her, didn’t want her. She knew, logically, why you were acting the way you had been, but she wasn’t immune to doubts and insecurity. Now, though, with you holding onto her for dear life, she knew she’d been ridiculous. 

“My girl. I’ve got you.” She whispered, feeling you nod into her chest. After a minute, Alexia eased you back and took your face in between her hands, trying to get a good look at your face. You looked like you’d lost weight, and like you hadn’t slept in days. Your eyes were cloudy, gazing up at Alexia like you barely knew she was there. She wasn’t quite sure what to do with you now that she had you back with her. You looked so unlike yourself, so out of it. Alexia didn't think she could get anymore worried, but that was before she’d seen you. 

You weren’t crying, just shaking. Just holding onto Alexia like you were afraid if you let go, she’d disappear. 

“I saw your goal.” You said after a minute. 

Alexia smiled gently at you, pushing a strand of hair away from your face. “It was for you, and for Wesley.”

You flinched at your brother’s name. At the reminder of what had happened. Any minute you could go without thinking about it was a victory, but when you inevitably remembered, it felt like the weight of the world settled back on your shoulders. 

And it was this weight that prompted what you said next. 

“I think we should take a break.” You said blankly, avoiding the midfielder’s eyes at all cost. 

Alexia was stunned into silence for a minute. A different day, a different Alexia, and she would have shut down. Taken your statement as rejection, and left the apartment without another word. But everything about your body language was screaming to her that you didn't mean it. Still gripping her shirt tightly in your hands, still trembling in her arms, you seemed terrified to allow your girlfriend to help you, and terrified to allow her to go. 

“No.” Alexia said simply. 

“Ale, I can’t do this. I have to deal with this, I don’t- I can’t. Everything is so messed up now. I don’t know what to do, but I can’t put you through this, too. I can’t make you figure this out with me. We should just take a few weeks apart, so I can pull myself together, and you don’t have to worry-”

“Stop. No. You are not putting me through anything. I am committed to you, I love you, and I am not going anywhere. Especially not now. If you think I am going to let you go through this alone, you are crazy. You need me, how could I go?” 

“I… I don’t need you.” You said weakly, as if you hadn’t tackled her in a hug the moment you saw her, as if you weren’t inching closer to her every passing second, like the small amount of space in between the two of you was too much.

“You do. And I know that is scary, but I am not leaving. Let me be here. Please.” 

“I’m not… I’m not okay.” It was barely more than a mumble, but Alexia nodded sympathetically. 

“You are not okay. You don’t need to protect me from that, amor. I can be strong for the both of us. I can be whatever you need me to be.” 

A small whimper fell from your lips before you could stop it. There wasn’t any fight left in you, now, not when Alexia was saying all the right things.  “You’re sure?” 

Alexia pulled you in once more, and tucked your head under her chin. “I am sure.” 

“Okay.” You allowed, leaning back after a moment to place a very gentle kiss on your girlfriend’s cheek. 

Taking your face into her hands, Alexia frowned, her thumb tracing over the dark circles under your eyes. You looked shattered, drained completely of energy. “Amor…” 

“Can we go to sleep, Ale? I’m really tired.” 

Alexia could tell. “Of course. Did you not sleep well while you were gone?” 

“No.” You sighed, before hesitantly continuing. “I barely slept, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to now, but I always sleep better next to you, but I don’t know if you’re tired…”

Alexia nodded enthusiastically. “Whatever you need, amor. You have to eat something first, though.” 

You looked away from her. “I ate at the airport.” 

Alexia hummed, a sinking feeling growing in her chest. “No you didn’t. Do you want to shower while I make you something?” 

You nodded begrudgingly, and Alexia kissed you on the cheek before sending you on your way. 

Dinner was a quiet affair. You came out of the shower looking just as you had before. Numb, broken. Alexia had made your favorite for dinner, and you ate as much as you could, which really, wasn’t much at all. The blonde was just glad to get some food into you. You didn’t really remember Alexia pulling you into the bedroom, or tugging on pajamas that were definitely hers. Suddenly, you were in your bed, head resting against Alexia’s chest, her heartbeat steady in your ear. Suddenly, you were safe again. Safe to feel, safe to hurt. You’d just spent so much time not doing either of those things, that you weren’t really sure how to access the emotions you’d spent days repressing. All you knew was that you didn’t want Alexia to ever let you go. 

“Mi amor, do you want to talk?” Her chest vibrated under you as you spoke. 

“About what?”

“How you are feeling?”

“I’m… coping.” You told her weakly. Alexia’s hand found its way into your hair, carefully running through the wet strands. You sighed quietly, snuggling in closer to your girlfriend, even as you knew she was pushing you to have a conversation you didn't really want to partake in. 

“I do not think you are. I talked to your sister, she is worried about you. I am too. Please, just talk to me.” 

You turned slightly, hiding your face more in Alexia’s shirt. “I don’t know what to say, Ale. I don’t know where to start.” 

She hummed sympathetically. “Can I ask you questions? Would that be easier?” 

And you didn’t want to answer questions, but you knew it was best if you opened up to Alexia, even if it was just a little, so you nodded. 

“How was your flight?” She asked. You cracked a smile at her question, clocking that she was starting off simple to ease you into talking to her. She knew you so well, sometimes it felt like she knew you better than you knew yourself. 

“Alright. I slept for most of it, but I watched some of the match.”  

For the next few minutes, Alexia asked questions about your trip, about your sister’s new haircut that you hated. You wilted slightly when she asked about your other brother, and she picked up on that right away.

“Why did you come home so early?” She wondered. You inhaled deeply, rolling off of her and onto your back. You stared at the ceiling, knowing that the truth would make her angry. Not at you, but angry nonetheless, and you didn’t want that. 

“I missed you a lot.” You murmured, refusing to look her in the eye, even as she rolled onto her side and propped herself up on her elbow facing you. 

“I missed you, too. Every second you were gone.” She promised, gently removing a stray eyelash from the side of your face and holding it out for you to blow away. It was an adorable habit she had, always insisting you make a wish. “There is more, though.”

There was no question in Alexia’s words and you sighed again, nodding slowly. “I got into an argument with Bennett. About Wes. We weren’t really speaking to each other after the funeral and it was so tense in the house, I just had to get out of there.” 

“What did you fight about?” 

A tear slid down your face as you shook your head. “I don’t want to talk about that, please.” 

“Okay bebé.” Alexia wiped the tear away with her thumb, leaning down to press a kiss to the corner of your eye, as if to soothe your tears. She pulled the covers of the bed higher, desperately trying to make you more comfortable as you suddenly looked to be in agonizing pain. “Did your parents and your sister choose sides?” 

Alexia knew your family well enough to know how an argument would go. Normally, your sister and your older brother would easily agree with your parents, regardless of the topic. And your parents always took their side. Bella and Bennett were twins, the golden children, and it was clear for anyone to see that your parents treated them differently. Without Wes around to mediate, Alexia was sure that you would have been all alone in whatever you were fighting about, and she knew how much you despised conflict. 

Bottom lip wobbling pathetically, you nodded. “Yeah. They all agreed with Ben. None of them… none of them were really talking to me when I left. Bella felt bad, but my parents didn’t say goodbye when I left for the airport.” 

The midfielders stomach twisted at that, knowing how desperately you sought your parents praise and approval. For them to let you fly back across the continent without even a goodbye, after losing their son, after you lost your brother, was cruel. “I am so sorry, amor. That isn’t fair.” 

“I feel like everyone is mad at me.” You whispered, linking your fingers with Alexia’s. 

“I am not mad at you.” Alexia replied, leaning in against to kiss the corner of your mouth. “You are my favorite person in the world, and I am not mad at you. Does that feel better?” 

“Yeah.” You told her, finally shifting to look up at her face. Another few tears slipped down your face and you took a shaky breath. “I want this to all be some horrible nightmare. I want to wake up and find out he’s still here. I don’t want to feel like this anymore.” 

“What do you feel?” Alexia asked again, still not letting a single tear make it off your face before she swiped it away. 

This time, you answered her. 

“Everything hurts.” 

“I know.” She whispered, doing her best to pull you closer into her body. 

“I feel like… like I'm broken. Like I'm suffocating. Like I will never feel whole again. I am empty. And I am so fucking sad but I can’t feel it. I can’t make myself feel it. It’s there, locked away, and all I can do is sit. And think. And wish I was dead instead of him.” The last sentence was barely audible, but Alexia heard it clearly. 

She shut her eyes tightly, wrapping her arms tighter around you, as if that would make it better. “Please do not say that.” 

“He called me. That night, he called me and I declined the call. Because we had a match the next day. And now he's dead, and it is my fault.” You admitted, feeling simultaneously like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders at your confession, but another weight added on with the knowledge that your girlfriend would not know exactly what kind of awful person you were. 

But Alexia was Alexia, and she didn’t even flinch at your words. She simply pressed a kiss to your temple and said the words you’d been aching to hear. Words you wanted to believe, words you were scared you never would. “You could not have known, that is not your fault.”

You looked up at her, trying to gauge the sincerity of what she was saying, and found only overwhelming love in her eyes. It was too much. It was love you didn’t deserve. Not when this was your fault. You had never been more convinced in your life than in that moment that you didn't’ deserve Alexia. Her love, her care, her affection, her perfection. She was wholly too good for you. “I don’t even know how you can look at me right now, Ale.”

Your girlfriend shook her head, stunned that you would think such a thing. That you would expect her to blame you for something that was not your fault. Her touch was delicate as she pushed a lock of hair away from your forehead and it was too kind. Too soft. 

You yanked yourself out of her arms, even if it felt like you were ripping your heart out of your chest in doing so. With no destination in mind, you walked away from the bed and tried to leave the room, but Alexia grabbed you first. 

“My love.” She murmured, drawing you into a tight embrace. Alexia very rarely used terms of endearment for you that weren’t in spanish. She only did so when she wanted you to hear what she was saying, clearly. Her hands were insistent on your face, tilting it up so that you could only look into her warm hazel eyes. There was nothing but adoration on her face, and you were sure you didn’t deserve it.  “I can look at you because I love you. More than anything in this world, I love you. What happened is not your fault.” 

You shook your head pathetically, but your movements were stilled by Alexia’s strong hands on either side of your face. 

“It is not your fault.” She insisted. “And I cannot imagine what you are feeling right now, but I will always be kind to you. Even when you are not being kind to yourself.”

You shut your eyes tightly, desperately trying not to cry. Pitching forward, you pressed your face into Ale’s chest, unable to resist the peace and comfort that she provided. She shushed you softly, raining kisses down onto the top of your head. 

“It hurts, Ale,” you whimpered. 

Alexia held you tighter.

“I know, bebé. This is so hard, mi amor, I know that. But you will get through this. We will get through this together. I will not leave your side for a single second, do you understand? I love you. You are going to be okay.” 

Without even being aware that Alexia was moving you, you suddenly found yourself back on the bed, sitting sideways across your girlfriend’s lap. She was always so gentle. So kind. And you didn’t deserve it, you knew that. But the thought of having to go through this without her was overwhelming, devastating. You fought against the urge to cry, terrified that if you let go, she would leave. 

“I can’t do this without you,” you whimpered, holding tightly to her shirt and pressing your face into her neck. You could feel her nod from there, and you settled a bit, especially as her grip on you was tight and unrelenting. 

“You will not have to. I am here with you, mi amor. Right here with you.” She promised, shifting to wrap one arm around your midsection and cradle the back of your head with her other hand. 

“I-I… I can’t,” you stuttered, trying to swallow the lump in your throat even as it constricted tighter and tighter and you knew your efforts would be futile. 

“It is alright, bebé. You can cry. I am right here.” She affirmed again. 

A choked sob fell from your lips as you finally gave in, as the tidal wave of emotion you’d been running from finally caught up to you. It dragged you under the surface over and over, until you could hardly breathe. Until there was nothing else in the room with you but despair. 

You cried for your brother, for who he was and who he would never become. 

For yourself. Because you didn’t answer the phone, but also because you knew deep in your soul that answering would not have changed anything. 

You cried for your siblings, for your parents. Who were so destroyed that they sought out something, someone to blame. Even though they landed on you, even though you needed them. They needed you, but differently. They needed to blame you. It had to be your fault, or it might be theirs. 

You cried for Alexia, because you knew you had put her through hell the past week, and it would only continue. You cried because she was perfect and because you loved her. You cried because she loved you. 

You cried for the first time since hearing about what had happened. You cried for sweet, sweet Wes, who deserved better from everyone in his life. You included, but not only you. 

You cried because it felt like a part of you was dead, too. 

The part that was still alive, though, forced you to listen. To Alexia’s steady heartbeat, and the soft words she whispered. To her reminders to breathe, and her reminders that she loved you. If what you were feeling was a tsunami, Alexia was the high ground that would keep you safe. Keep you alive. 

You clung to that safety, that security. Without her, you might have drifted off. Not to sleep, but away. You’d never have to find out, though. Because Alexia wasn’t going anywhere. Not when you cried, not when you couldn’t breathe, not when you couldn’t speak. She’d bring you back to her every time. Because she loved you. And it didn't matter that you weren’t sure you were deserving of her love. She loved you anyway. 

Once your cries had slowed to pitiful sniffles, the midfielder laid you down carefully next to her, curling her body around yours. You were engulfed in her arms, and the soft blankets on the bed, a safe little cocoon. Alexia couldn’t tell if your eyes were half shut because they were swollen from crying, or if you were exhausted. Probably both. 

Her finger traced little shapes over your cheek as she whispered to you. “Sleep mi amor. I’ve got you. You are safe, and you are okay. Just relax.” 

Her eyes were locked on yours, encouraging you to give in and let yourself rest. Her words, too, felt like a very convincing drug, and you were letting your cheek rest against her chest before you knew it, letting the repetitive beating of her heart lull you to sleep. 

-----

You slept solidly, for the first time in a week. Straight through the night, no interruptions. Well, until morning came, and then you were awoken by quiet crunching. You stretched a bit, not yet ready to open your eyes, but aware from the amount of sun in the room that it was late morning. The crunching stopped as soon as you moved, and you quickly realized you were not curled up against your girlfriend, like you normally slept. Rolling over, you squinted your eyes open and saw Alexia looking guilty down at you, a handful of granola in her hand frozen halfway to her mouth. 

“Sorry.” She whispered. 

It wasn’t really that funny, but you found yourself giggling to yourself, until Alexia started laughing with you. 

“You had to get the crunchiest thing in the kitchen?” You questioned, barely getting the words out through your laughter.. She shook her head at you, putting the bag of granola down and pulling you into her arms. 

“I was going for what would leave the most crumbs in the sheets.” She said cheerily, planting a soft kiss on your cheek. 

“You are so dumb.” You chuckled, sighing comfortably back in her embrace. 

“I am smart.” Alexia declared, before she turned slightly serious. “You can sleep more if you need, bonita. It is 11:30, but we do not have anything we need to do today.” 

“No, it’s okay. I should get up.” 

“Thank god. I am starving and you make better breakfast than I do.” 

You fought a smile, finding the effort she was putting in to make you laugh quite endearing. “You could have woken me if you were hungry. Or gone and gotten something to eat.” Your attempt to slide out of bed was halted by Alexia’s grip tightening around you, her voice soft in your ear. 

“No, you needed to rest. And you were holding on to me in your sleep. I did not want to leave you for long.” 

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“No, no apologies. You need me, I am here. If you need me to lay in bed and cuddle you for half the day, I am more than happy to do that.” She said it so earnestly, you almost felt like crying. 

“Ale, you know I love you, right? More than anything?” 

She nodded, shifting you in her arms to be able to press her forehead to yours. “And I love you. More than all the stars in the sky.” 

You gave her a watery smile, gently pecking her lips with yours. “That is very corny.” 

“There are no ways to tell you how I love you without being corny. You will just have to get used to it.” Alexia whispered, connecting her lips with yours again. It was soft and loving, reflecting everything she’d just said to you. Alexia always made sure to tell you what she felt about you, as well as show you. She was perfect in that way. 

-----

Your words from the previous evening hung between you both like a dark cloud. Alexia was doing her best to treat you normally, you could tell. She didn’t want to hover, but she was filled to the brim with worry for you. So, you took the first step, and brought it up while the two of you were making breakfast.

Clearing your throat, you focused on carefully cutting up the fruit, sure that if you kept yourself slightly distracted, you wouldn’t get too upset.“Last night. What I said…” 

“What did you say?” Alexia asked casually, though you could feel her eyes burning into the back of your head from the opposite counter.  

“I said that I wished I-”

“I remember.” Alexia cut you off not unkindly, abandoning the coffee she was making in favor of walking to you and wrapping her arms around your abdomen. Her chin perched itself on your shoulder, and you leaned back into her, letting your eyes flutter shut. 

“I didn’t mean it.” You told her. Her silence told you she was skeptical, and she should have been. “Okay, I did mean it. But I would never do anything stupid, okay? I would never… do what he did. I am upset and I am hurting but I know… know that I can be okay again. I think.” 

All the tension left your girlfriend’s body, and you were only aware of how stressed she had been once she relaxed. She sagged into you, burying her face in the crook of your neck and nodding rapidly. “Good. Good. I love you. So much.” You moved to return to chopping your fruit, but the blonde took the knife from your hand and set it down, before spinning you to face her. She was completely serious as she addressed you. “If you ever felt like that,” 

“Alexia, I am not going to...” You let the sentence fade out, inhaling deeply again before you continued. “I wouldn’t do that to you, or to my family, I wouldn’t be that-” 

You cut yourself off, shaking your head. Alexia didn’t let you pull out of her grasp like you wanted to, studying your face closely. 

“You are angry with him, sí?” Alexia asked carefully. She was too perceptive for her own good sometimes. 

“Yeah.” Admitting it felt like a betrayal. 

“That is okay. You can be angry.” 

You weren’t convinced and Alexia ached to make you understand that your feelings, whatever they were, were valid. Still, she knew when to push and when not to, so she let it go. For now.

With a soft kiss on your lips, she nudged you back to the fruit, whining dramatically that she was hungry. Alexia could always make a situation light hearted again with just a few words, and that was something you realized you hadn’t appreciated enough until now. 

-----

Alexia’s brain hurt from thinking. Around and around in circles, wishing she could convince herself she was wrong about the conclusion she had come to. You were sitting in between her legs on the couch, half watching the football match on TV, half enjoying the way Alexia’s fingers played with your hair. She couldn’t stop thinking about the fight you’d said you had with your brother, and what it could have been about. How bad it could have been for you to leave home early, for your parents not to be speaking to you, especially after everything that had happened. Alexia thought and thought and thought until she couldn’t take it anymore, and then she just asked. 

“Can I ask you something?” The blonde murmured, finishing the braid she was twisting your hair into, only to take it out and start again. 

Her hands playing with your hair was ridiculously soothing, and you only hummed in response.

“The fight with your brother? Was that about Wes calling you that night?” 

All the work Alexia had done to get your body to relax was undone as soon as the words left her mouth. Your shoulders scrunched back up, and you went back to picking at your cuticles. You’d already made a few nails bleed this morning, and your girlfriend sighed internally as you another one began to bleed, too. 

“Yes. I didn’t tell them right away, but my dad went through Wes’ phone and that was the last call he made.” Your voice broke, and Alexia abandoned your hair in favor of pulling you into her, your back to her front. “He asked me about it, and Ben just… freaked out.” 

“What did Bennett say?” She wondered, pulling each of your hands into hers in an effort to stop the damage you were inflicting on your nails. 

“He said I should have answered. That is wasn’t enough that I left the country for football, left Wes behind, but I ignored his call even though family is supposed to be the most important thing. And that he blames me. He said that if I had answered, Wes would be alive.” 

“What did your parents say?” 

“They agreed with Ben. Said I shouldn’t come home until I decide to start putting my family first. My dad said…” Again, you trailed off. This time, it was because you weren’t sure you had the strength to repeat what had been said to you. 

“Tell me, baby.” Alexia encouraged, hoping that if she held you tight enough, the pain would leave you alone for a while. 

“He said it was my fault his son was dead, and if there was any justice in the world it would have been me instead.” You whispered, Alexia’s sharp intake of air closely mirroring what your reaction had been. “I moved my flight after that. I still had to go to the funeral, but I wanted to leave as soon as I could.” 

It was overwhelming, everything your girlfriend was feeling, and she couldn’t even imagine the turmoil you were in at the moment. The urge to call your father and give him a piece of her mind was almost as strong as the urge to wrap you up in a blanket against her and never let anyone hurt you again. Almost. 

“Mi preciosa, he is wrong. That is not true. Your brother never would have wanted you to blame yourself. He loved you so much, and he knew you loved him too. He would be angry if he knew how everyone was treating you. Amor, you know this, right?” 

Your shrug was not good enough for Alexia.

“This was not your fault. It is not on you. You are a good person, and an incredible sister. Your parents and Bennett, they are hurting, but they should not have said the things they have said.  It hurts them that this happened out of their control, and they just want someone to blame. It is not fair that it is you, amor, but they are wrong. They are so, so wrong.” 

“I want to believe that.” You replied, hanging onto her every word even if it felt like everything she was saying was much too generous to you. “I just don’t know how to.” 

Alexia nodded, her lips finding your cheek in a gentle peck. “I will remind you every day, until you believe it. You are good, you are loved, and this was not your fault.” She repeated herself, and you shut your eyes, trying to force the reassurances to seep into your brain, and hopefully stay there. 

When you opened your eyes again, turning slightly so you could see her face, you believed her just a bit more. Bit by bit, Alexia would convince you. Just like she’d convinced you that she loved you. Like she’d convinced you to let her start putting some of her clothes in your half of the closet, and that cappuccinos were better than lattes.  She was persuasive, your Alexia. Unrelenting, determined, and persuasive. When she set her mind on something, she didn’t give up. It was this tendency of hers that had you almost convinced that you’d survive this. Even if it was the hardest thing you’d ever do, Alexia would get you through it. 

“What have I done to deserve you?” You murmured, looking up at her with something close to awe on your face. 

“You did not have to do anything. I love you. You deserve to be loved.” Alexia replied easily. She didn’t think twice before she spoke. It wouldn’t ever not surprise you how easily, how fully, Alexia loved you, and that was okay. You never wanted Alexia’s love to grow mundane, or unsurprising. You wanted the force of her love to always knock you off your feet, just a little. Because you were pretty sure the force of your love for her would always be overpowering, too. 

-------

this was so dialogue heavy and im not sure i don't think it's awful and too depressing, so thanks for sticking around to the end if you did :)

not... opposed to a part 2 honestly. i have a little part written about alexia trying to deal with r's grief, while also finding it to be such a harsh reminder of her own experience. but i'm not sure what else it would be, or if anyone would want it anyway so. give me your thoughts :)

[daenysx]

imagine giving james a skincare sesh where reader is seated comfortably (on his lap ehm) and he lets her put all sorts of moisturizers, face masks and even lip balm on him and he secretly LOVES it and after they eat homemade cookies and watch their comfort show

thank you for requesting!! i had so much fun writing this, it's my skincare routine applied to james. i guess that means he's literally my boyfriend now (support my delusions please <3333) you can send me requests for james!

james potter x fem!reader, fluff

"are you ready?" you say, grinning. you carried most of your skincare essentials to living room, ready to give your tired boyfriend a nice spa day.

"yes." james walks out of the bathroom. "i washed my face."

"with the cleansing jel?"

"yes, baby." he sits on the couch next to you. you place yourself on his lap expertly, his face looks dry and clean. you lean to give him a kiss on his cheek, james settles down on couch with his back to pillows.

"okay." you say, clapping your hands. you're excited to give him a nice treating, he deserves all the best. you've never understood how boys have clear and smooth skin naturally, james certainly doesn't use as many products as you do, but he lets you do anything you want to him. skincare is like a therapy for you, quality minutes you spend on yourself. it's relaxing, taking care of your body without a single thought in your mind, you want james to experience it, too.

"let me just pull your hair back first." you say quietly, using tiny hairclips to secure his curls.

"why are you whispering?" he asks, whispering.

"i wanna create a relaxing ambience for you." you answer. "whispering is a part of it."

"oh." he teases. "okay."

you take your face toner in your hand, pouring some of it on a cotton pad. "close your eyes, jamie." you say, start applying it on his skin.

james relaxes into the pillow, his hands keep you balanced on his thighs. he likes how excited you get to take care of him, he likes being spoiled by you. your fingers are gentle on his face, almost invisible.

"now i'm gonna put on a face mask, handsome." you say, tearing the package of the mask. "it can feel a bit cold."

"that's okay." he mumbles. you place the mask on his skin carefully, adjusting the sides to cover his entire face. "what does this do?"

"um," you read the package. "it's for hydration mostly, and it has vitamin c in it."

"cool." he has no idea what vitamin c does for skin.

"we're gonna wait for 15 minutes." you say. "can i massage your hands while we wait?"

this must be some kind of special heaven for james. he gives you his hands blindly, you put on hand cream on the back of his hands and start rubbing it nicely on his skin.

james sometimes complains about how rough his hands feel, he washes them a lot and always neglects applying moisturizer. the cream feels good, like he has the skin of a baby now. you're being really sweet on him, he likes the way his muscles loosen up under your fingers.

"you're an angel." he says, a deep sound coming from his throat when you press a tight spot between his thumb and forefinger. "my fucking angel."

you smile, giving the same care to his other hand. james feels his hands go numb when you're finished. you clean the remnants of the cream on your hands before taking the mask off his face. "there you go." you put the used mask aside. "feels good?"

"i feel like a baby."

you laugh. "you're gonna be like a baby when i'm done."

it's a nice promise, james likes it very much. "i'm gonna apply some under eye cream now." you whisper. "you have no dark circles, i'm so jealous."

"it's because i actually have a sleeping schedule, lovely girl." he smiles. "something you lack, you know."

"hmm."

you massage his face a little bit before applying some moisturizer. you don't think any more products are needed for james, his skin is already perfect and the mask takes care of a lot of things. you want his face to be relaxed, so you keep your fingers on his cheeks. he smiles a lot, there are little lines on the corners of his lips and eyes that start forming. you can't help yourself, you kiss his lips softly. he immediately reacts but you pull yourself back, focusing on your work.

"what's the point of relaxing if i'm not gonna get a kiss?" james frowns.

"you'll get your kisses." you promise. "when i'm done."

applying moisturizer is so easy, his skin is glowing now. you make sure you cover every little spot on his face. "it smells good." he says. you nod even though his eyes are closed. "it really does." you say.

"and now," you put the cream away. "lip mask."

"lip mask?" james opens his eyes. "how will i kiss you if i have something on my lips?"

you laugh at his dramatics. "it never stopped you before. you always ruin my lipstick, remember?"

"not the same thing."

"come on, be a good boy for once." you tease. james parts his lips in shock. "once? this is a vile accusation."

you stop him, putting on a tiny bit of lip mask on his lips. he presses his lips together clumsily. "it tastes nice. is that strawberry?"

"you're not supposed to eat it!" you laugh. "leave some of it at least."

"mm, okay." he says. you fix his hair, and put a kiss on his cheek. you hand him the remote before leaving his lap. "i'm gonna bring you some cookies, can you pick a show?"

james nods, watches you clean up the mess through sleepy eyes. his skin has never felt this soft, he wants to pinch his own cheeks. he opens up the show you both like as he waits for you.

you come back with a plate full of cookies. james pulls you into his lap again. "i'm gonna eat just one." he says smugly. "i can't ruin my lip mask and i don't want crumbs on my face."

you laugh. "you're getting really good at this skincare thing."

"thanks to my angel." he says, he kisses your cheek three times. "i love you so much."

"i love you, too, baby." you say, your hand in his curls. "i can do it anytime you want."

"good, because i don't think i can go on without this anymore." he says like it's so obvious. "now, i remember i was promised kisses."

you settle down on his lap. "i don't wanna ruin your lip mask."

"it's not ruining, babe." he disagrees. "i'm willingly sharing my lip mask with you."

you laugh until your chest hurts.

[tiredsmashbros]

LIP BITE COMIC PART ONE {CLICK HERE}

GOOD GOD IT'S FINALLY DONE... maybe. even though i still plan on making a part 3 i'm going to take a fatass break first + plan it out more better in the future. for now enjoy this meal silly goobers

aight now for some quick behind the scenes lore: this took way longer than i was expecting with 17 PAGES in total while taking the opportunity to experiment this type of sketch + comic style. i have a BAD habit of starting a story with just a minor draft idea, and with the more i progress the more i start changing the plot. like- this was supposed to end with smg4 in the bathroom embarrassed but i didn't like it anymore + the scene of smg3 opening the pickle jar was rewritten to fit a better narrative. i have a difficulty elaborating a short story so i might do mini comics for now as practice. furthermore, i tend to get wAY into making sure the character's are accurate as possible to the original material. been doing my best to get out of that strict mindset and just enjoy it being fun and remind myself it's okay to break some cracks. doesn't need to be perfect after all ;^)

other than that, i want to sincerely thank everyone for supporting and enjoying the first part of this silly comic. never have i ever received such a positive response that not only has scared the shit out of me, but motivated me to make more for me as a person, artist, and for everyone in the smg4 community. genuinely has made me so happy this past month and i can't explain how much i am so excited to just start drawing these guys and everyone else in the cast + other fun stuff!! 💛

now i'm going to play wuwa and hide for a day bye bye :3c

[evnnkinard]

the first time after tommy bottoms for buck, he doen't expect much in the way of aftercare, honestly assumes that he's still going to be the one to move, the one to clean them both up- not because of evan, himself, or anything that he's said or done. it's just. what tommy does. it was how it had always been with his exes; he was the one to take care of them, not the one to be taken care of. but he should've known that it'd be different with evan. it was always different with evan. better. good.

after, evan collapses on top of him, panting, skin flushed and sweat soaked, says, between breaths, "f-fuck," and, "god, that was so good," and, "you were so good, tommy, so perfect for me," and paws at him, petting at any and every inch of tommy's skin that he can reach and- and it doesn't register then, what his boyfriend is doing; evan's always been extra tactile, affectionate, after sex, always touching and wanting to be closer, closer, closer, like he'd climb into tommy's skin and tuck himself between tommy's ribs if he could. he's never been shy on returning the praise that tommy gives to him, either, always lets tommy know how much he'd enjoyed it, how good tommy had made him feel, knows that even if it doesn't do quite the same thing that it does for himself, that it still makes tommy feel good, proud, pleased-

-so tommy doesn't think anything of it, just reaches for evan back, hands clumsy as he grabs at him, pets at him and pulls him in closer. murmurs about how good evan always is for him, lets evan take what he needs from him and greedily soaks in the comfort of evan's weight on top of him, the feel of evan's skin against his own in return. lies there for another minute, two, loose-limbed and feeling completely wrecked in the best way possible, lets evan's touch, his words, continue to wash over him as he tries to get his brain to come back online long enough to get his boyfriend taken care of properly.

eventually, feels evan start to shift against him, thinks he must be starting to feel uncomfortable, is starting to feel uncomfortable, himself, with his own come drying on his stomach between them and evan's beginning to leak out of him. musters the energy to get his hands beneath himself, and careful not to jostle evan too much on top of him, pushes up onto his elbows- and then evan's hand is on his chest, strong and firm, stopping him from moving any further.

"h-hey, what- where are you going?"

tommy looks down at him, a little confused, a little concerned, and finds evan already looking back at him with his brows furrowed. he searches evan's eyes, but doesn't see any worry, or fear, there. brings a hand up to cup evan's face, rubs his thumb across his cheek, feels a little giddy at the way evan immediately leans into the touch and reassures, anyway, just in case, "i was just going to get something to clean us up, kid. i'll be right back, i promise."

evan pulls away from him, slightly, at that. tilts his head, scrunches his face up further, looks baffled, and, tommy can't help but think, adorable, and says, "um, no- no you're not. that's my job tonight."

and tommy pauses. takes a minute, processes. shakes his head, says, "evan-"

"tommy," his boyfriend immediately parrots back, cutting him off, says, like he knows exactly what tommy's thinking- probably does, honestly, knows tommy so well at this point that it scares him sometimes, "you just got your brains fucked out, let me take care of you, okay? stay here and i'll be right back, okay?" doesn't wait for an answer, leans forward and distracts tommy with his mouth, keeps it chaste as he presses his hand further into tommy's chest, pushes gently, firmly, until tommy falls down onto his back again and then pulls away and clambers off the bed, completely ungraceful but still, somehow, looking stupidly attractive to tommy's malfunctioning brain.

tommy lifts his head, slightly, watches him walk away until he disappears out of view and then thumps his head back down into the pillows. lies there, stunned. feels slightly off kilter but, he thinks, not in a bad way. tucks an arm under his head, lets the other rest at his side, away from the mess on his stomach and waits paitently for his boyfriend to come back, feeling warm, and soft, and safe as he does so, in the way that he's found only evan has of surprising out of him.

he doesn't have to wait too long before evan is walking back into the room, soft smile on his face and a damp wash cloth in his hand. he slips back into the space between tommy's legs, fits perfectly, just like he does in tommy's arms, like tommy's body was made just for him and tommy thinks, quietly, as his boyfriend rests a hand on his thigh, that it was. knows that he's been ruined for anybody else. says, "hey, baby," because he likes the way evan blushes, even now, smiles, small and pleased when he does. says, because he feels like he should, "you really don't have to, baby, i can do it, i don't mind."

evan's already shaking his head before he's even finished, says, "nope, it's my turn tonight, remember? and- tommy, i want to do it, okay? i like getting to take care of you," leans over him and runs the cloth carefully over his stomach, down his thighs, face focused, like this is impotant- like tommy's important. wipes the cloth lower, down tommy's ass and gently over tommy's hole, repeats the motion, once, twice, says, "sorry, sorry baby, i'm done now, you did so good," and soothes a hand over his thigh when it makes him flinch, oversensitive, barely imperceptible if not for the way that evan's become so quickly attuned to him over the past few months.

evan tosses the cloth, and tommy's sure that it's landed nowhere near where the laundry basket is, but can't find it in himself to care when his boyfriend drops most of his weight back down over him, dips his head and catches tommy's lips with his own all in one smooth movement. immediately begs for entry with his tongue and tommy lets him in, fists a hand in his curls, lets evan take control, lets him kiss him soft and slow and until there's no air left in either of their lungs. lets evan pull away, lets him dip back down and steal another, quick kiss before he pulls away again, breathless.

evan drops down next to him, wraps an arm over him and pulls him in close, and then closer still, tucks him up against his chest. presses a kiss to his head. tommy lets his head fall into the crook of his neck, hums, content, says, "mm, thank-you, this is nice."

"don't have to thank me, baby. i love you, i'm always gunna take care of you."

[extensionallydefined]

Okay, so, I need to talk about the relationship between Persona 5's ending and Persona 5 royal's ending, because I think it isn't discussed enough how one puts into question the themes of the other and in doing so it elevates everything that came before.

Spoilers are coming, you've been warned.

The main thing that's given me an outlet to think about this is a few quotes from the Phantom Thieves when they're in the Velvet Room after being Thanos-snapped by Yaldabaoth. Specifically these quotes:

Ann: "I... I never want anyone to have to go through what I did!"

Yusuke: "Just as art is meant to break boundaries, people should be saved even if they frown upon it. I won't allow the justice I believe in to be shaken any further!"

Ryuji: "We're doin' this to make sure people don't go through the same crap we did. It doesn't matter if they think we're just or not. We gotta do what we believe in!"

Futaba: "I can't let people suffer like this, even if I don't know them personally"

They mention some core ideas: 1. They want to prevent people's suffering because of the suffering they've felt. 2. They must do this regardless of if people want it, because they think it's the right thing to do. 3. Their justice is worth fighting for by virtue of being what they believe in.

Does this seem familiar? Maybe makes you think of a certain therapist who shows up in Royal?

I think Takuto Maruki serves a decent amount of purposes narratively and thematically, but one of the most genius things about him is that he serves as a foil to both the Phantom Thieves and Akechi, and in being that foil, he is, deep down, following the principles that the Phantom Thieves fought for - In the end, it was largely Joker who inspired him to fight for his reality.

Maruki fights for a reality where suffering straight up doesn't exist, because he doesn't want anyone to feel the suffering he's had to endure. Maruki wants the Phantom Thieves and Akechi to never feel suffering anymore, regardless of their stance on the matter. He is "saving" them regardless of their wishes, and will fight them to keep the reality he wants. He thinks the world is unfair, so his "justice" is to make a perfect world for everyone - and that's what makes it worth fighting for, because that's what he believes.

Maruki's rationale to fight against the Phantom Thieves and Akechi is (partly) the same reasoning that the Phantom Thieves use to regain their motivation to fight the Holy Grail/Yaldabaoth.

So, narratively, Maruki serves as a mirror that's telling things not to be told for the Phantom Thieves to look into and to see the ugly parts of their own way of acting. Can they really fight Maruki, knowing that he is just acting how they did?

I see people sometimes refusing Maruki's reality because it "wouldn't actually work" or "it's imperfect". But as far as I'm aware, it's imperfect because it hasn't been completed yet - I think the game is a lot more interesting under the pretense that Maruki truly has the power to erase all suffering, once his reality is complete, past the deadline. I also see the argument, and even the game uses it, that Maruki's world "isn't reality". But did we listen well to Morgana's speech before he disappeared in the Yaldabaoth arc? The world itself is made up of cognition, reality is born from the points of view of everyone. Maruki *can* change reality, and the real question of the game is not about the logistics or "ontological dignity" of his reality, but rather - Do you want a world where all your wishes are granted and no suffering exists?

In the end, the game shows the Phantom Thieves that "sticking to their justice" will make them fight against people with similar ideals as theirs. It's funny, in a way, how Akechi was the one fully willing to fight Maruki from the start. His rebellion has always been more individualistic in nature than the Phantom Thieves' - he wanted revenge for himself, then redemption for himself and now he wants a reality where he isn't under anyone's control anymore. To him, Shido's country, Yaldabaoth's ruin and Maruki's world are all the same - Maruki just has a nicer, more therapy-speaky way of presenting his proposal, and sees people as his equals rather than as insolent masses, but his goal is the same. They're all worlds that shackle you for the "greater good". And in the end, Maruki, and Royal, force the P5 gang to become more like Akechi - to value their individuality in the face of the public's "justice".

To fight for what you believe in you will face people with the same determination as you. They will be your equals in many, many ways. In the end, you can only stick to your guns and hope that what you believe in is worth more than what they believe in.

I have a lot more to write about these topics but I'll leave it there. Maybe about the relationship between Maruki's reality and individuality next? That could be fun ^^

Btw - Special thanks to @thedaythatwas for inspiring me to write up stuff about Persona 5 Royal!

[hyukalyptus]

heyy could u do smthing like txt reactions to u using the safe word while at it????

omg of course!! i love this idea sm.

cw. use of safe word, all of them stop ofc, sex, rough bdsm stuff is not mentioned, soob is big and clumsy and reader likes pushing limits, gyu uses red/green/yellow system and likes pushing limits, pet names (baby), aftercare, tae's kinda vanilla and feels guilty, kai is kinky asf (but that's not discussed here; go check out lia's duality for that lol), cuddling, kissing.

smut(?) under cut!

yeonjun - omg honestly i think he’d be the absolute sweetest. stops in his tracks, lifts his hands off you, but stays inside you to wait for further instruction. doesn't apologize because you've ask him not to in the past (makes you feel guilty) and he's worked so hard to make sure you feel safe with him and that you're not hesitant using the safe word. he's so proud (but doesn't show it) that you feel safe enough to use the safe word with him. "what did i do? what can i do to make it better?” doesn't touch you until you say its okay. once you've caught your breath and have calmed down, he very cautiously and with your permission picks things back up, finishing you, but he doesn't finish himself. he can get off later.

soobin - he's the one that insisted on creating a safe word in the first place. he knows he can sometimes be just a bit too clumsy and a bit too big that he doesn't know if he's hurting his sex partners or if they're just playing into it. so he learned quickly that he needs to establish a safe word every time, especially since you like pushing the limits. things start getting a little too hot and heavy for your liking and he's getting a little too carried away. it feels so good at first, until he takes it just a bit too far. typically, you're usually comfortable enough to ease him down with body language and talking, but something was off today and you needed it to stop. he comes to a slow stop, relaxing his hands, loosening his grip on you and turning them into soothing strokes and caresses. asking and giving exactly what you need.

beomgyu - first of all, i see him as the type to use the red, yellow, green system. and can definitely see him pushing you into yellow a lot. and he loves it (as do you), but he's cautious. the second you say red, he drops everything. "was that too much for my baby? i'm sorry..." going to get you some water and sitting down to have an in-depth conversation about what was too far. "did you like the idea of it and i just went too far? did you want to try it again but slower? was what i did completely out of the question now? what can i do to make you feel safer next time? do you feel safe right now?" turns into soft and slow aftercare that eventually warms up to slow and sensual sex to make up for it.

taehyun - i think feels the most guilty out of them. he doesn't strike me as the kinda guy to be super into kink stuff, so i think he almost doesnt know how to handle it other than apologizing. asks a lot of questions, like, "are you okay? you sure? do you want me to finish you? i'd be happy to if you like." and you agreeing that you'd still like to come as long as he still wants to and is comfortable to keep going but as soon as he's inside you, "are you sure you're okay if i finish too?" maybe becomes a bit too nervous before both of you agree its better for both of you to stop completely and cuddle the rest of the night.

hueningkai - honestly i feel like kai's kinky asf and i will not be silenced any longer. he talks a lot about it with you beforehand anyway, so its rare that you (or any of his partners) get to that point because he knows all ur limits and how to push them and how to not push them too far. so you saying it is a bit of a shock, but he knows exactly what to do. drops everything, slides out of you, asks what you need from him. and when you request cuddles, he's the biggest cuddle bug ever. cheek kisses, whispers in ur ear about how perfect and beautiful you are. dragging his nails down ur arm. omfg i love him.

[moonsaver]

Oh my god okay so i have to brainrot really really fast about yandere sunday

So so imagine being sunday's little longlasting childhood crush that he swears he's grown out of and doesn't care about anymore and he browses through a collection of lovers he could possibly take on since he's now the head and everything, acts so indifferent about you (of course, mainly because of the Dreammaster's concern), and swears he doesn't think about you as often as he used to when he still had a habit of sneezing into his wings or hiding behind robin, but when he sees you actually taking on a lover that's not him he finds it infuriating.

Oh my god this man seethes whenever he sees you with your newfound love. He swears in his mind no one knows you better than him and that dazed fool beside you is just toying and playing with your feelings. It only serves to infuriate him more because how dare they be such a flippant person? (Totally not because it's you they're with). He used to spend his time purposefully shifting his schedule around a bit to take more elongated surveying in the areas you frequent but now he has to avoid them because he's barely able to hold back with a strained smile whenever he sees you with them. The first and last time you spoke with your lover in tow, Sunday felt blinding, hot rage like a smelted iron rod glowing red.

And of course, he's over you. You used to be friends, that too, with just robin. Of course he doesn't care. You simply used to invite him over to play with you and robin because he was her brother. And you shared your candies with him too because he was her brother. And you smiled at him and protected him when he needed it just because.. he was.. robin's brother. Of course.

It's a childhood thing. That's what he's so thoroughly convinced about, as he manages to craft up your dream so skillfully, managing the entire dreamscape on his back, a bead of sweat rolling from the side of his temple to the edge of his chin as he controls your supposedly perfect dream. If you could call it yours, even.

Your "perfect" dream had that bastard. Not sunday. You don't know what's good for you, it's alright. Sunday decided to take on many burdens when he chose to create the sweetdream paradise, what's another one? And it's not soon before he pushes you deeper into that thick, hazy fog of a dream, replacing your lover with him instead, crafting the perfect scene in a movie where you both end up together after tragic struggles. And it's such a shame when you wake up, because it can't happen. Oh well, Sunday's waiting for you in the real world too, regardless. Why don't you both catch up? Just like you used to as kids.

[kaermorhenatnight]

Since I am really struggling with food and my body image recently and dungeon meshi is my ultimate comfort watch here you go

Dungeon meshi boys finding out you're insecure because you're fat/chubby 

Laios:

Doesn't understand the concept 

Absolutely cannot wrap his head around why would anyone feel insecure about that

Like, it's a body?

You would really need to explain the mean comments you get, the pressure that was put on you, maybe by family members, the issues fatphobia causes you

And then he would be so soft, trying to explain to you that it's a body you live in, of course it's a good body

That you shouldn't care what people are saying because if they're judging you for something normal like that, they're not worth your time

It would be very cheesy but so painfully sincere

Senshi:

Is immediately supportive

He tells you that it really doesn't matter what others say, and that so many different things come into play in terms of person's weight, and different bodies just naturally will have different perfect weight

He tells you that it's perfectly okay to enjoy food (because of course it is)

It feels kinda like the birds and the bees talk he gave to Chilchuck - full-on dad-mode, explaining and comforting you, backing it up with his knowledge about food and nutrition 

He doesn't say anything specifically about this but from that moment on he always pays extra attention to whether you're eating enough, to make sure you won't let the mean comments get into your head and that you won't try to cut down your portion sizes - malnutrition is the biggest threat!

Chilchuck 

This definitely comes up when he makes a snarky comment about you being heavy (to be fair, he's just a wee guy, everyone is heavy compared to him)

When instead of giving him a witty response you just turn away, tears in your eyes, he knows he fucked up big time 

He immediately apologizes, tries to explain he didn't know it's something that bothers you

He walks up to you later when you're setting up camp to rest, to get you alone

He blushes like crazy telling you you're so pretty and hot and he would never guess you would be insecure about how you look

He definitely makes sure to not make jokes like that again and if he hears anyone else fat-shaming you, let me tell you, you never realized there are so many insults in his mother tongue

[ao3commentoftheday]

Hey! First, thank you for running this blog; it's a treasure trove of great advice. Second, may I ask some?

Lately, I've been having a hard time writing due to psyching myself out. I keep thinking about past fics I've written that turned out great with a lot of praise for my style, and I'm constantly feeling that anything new I write won't be as good and live up to the standards my past fics have set. I know that a first draft is allowed to be messy and imperfect, but I keep feeling that if I let myself do that and not aim for perfection the first time, I'm being lazy or lowering my standards. I want to just cut loose and write, but I'm having a hard time getting past this mental block. Any suggestions?

You've got a lot of very complicated feelings going on, anon, and I just want to give you a hug 💗 Let's see if we can break this down a bit, okay?

You've written well-received fics in the past and you're worried that your new fics won't be well-received. Where is this worry coming from? What's at the root of it? If your next fic doesn't receive the same praise that your previous ones received, how will that impact you?

I think it's always important to keep in mind that a lack of praise is not the same thing as the presence of disapproval. Just because no one says you did a good job, that doesn't mean you did a bad job. You say that your past fics turned out great. If you hadn't received the praise that you got, would you think they had turned out poorly?

What standard have you set with your past fics? If your standard is related to the amount of comments and kudos you received, you're setting yourself up for failure. I've written before about how the stats on your fic are largely out of your control and that if you focus on them too much you might need to find a way to a healthier relationship with them.

Who else is aware of this standard and is measuring you against it? Readers tend to focus more on tags and summaries than on specific authors when they're looking for something to read. Readers who have subscribed to you won't be looking at the numbers on your fic. They'll be reading the chapters and enjoying your words. Other authors might feel competitive with you, but that's their own issue to handle and more about their own mindset than about your writing.

Perfection is not just an unrealistic goal, it's an impossible one. Being imperfect doesn't mean that you're lazy, it means that you're human.

There will always be a better phrase, a more interesting metaphor, a more apt verb or adjective, a juicier trope. You'll never be able to make a 100% accurate transfer of the idea in your head to the words on your page - not just because you're interpreting your own thoughts but because your readers will be interpreting your words after you get them down on paper.

What is your actual goal when you're writing? Why are you doing it? What's the driving need you're satisfying by writing a story down? Right now, you're so caught up in how people are going to react to your writing that you can't actually write anything at all. Reconnect with yourself and the reasons why you tell stories. Why do you love it, and why would you be unhappy if you didn't do it anymore?

[littlelewdmable]

The Strange Love Life Of Professor Rose Part 4: Acceptance

Jaune: ...

Pyrrha: Is everything okay, Jaune?

Jaune: Yea- ... Honestly? I'm thinking about Weiss.

Pyrrha: I'm sure she'll say yes, eventually.

Nora: Yeah! And if she doesn't, she'll be missing out!

Jaune: No. She just doesn't like me like that, and I've been giving her every reason to hate me. I think I just need to move on.

Ren: That may be for the best.

Pyrrha: I still don't understand why you were interested in her. Weiss... can be difficult to get along with for me, and she's been nothing but rude to you.

Jaune: I guess I just wanted someone to save... I think I just need higher standards...

Jaune: You wanna know the funny thing though? My mom and sisters always told me what I needed to do to be the "perfect husband" but they never really told me anything about the dating part, or the getting a date part.

Pyrrha: Perhaps you could use a form of online dating to practice flirting with girls. Though it would probably be best to use an alias, and perhaps use one tailored for aura users.

JNR: ...

Jaune: Is there something you want to tell us, Pyrrha?

Pyrrha: It would be best for you not to know.

[star-sparkler]

How does August fare growing up in a house with a ton of traumatized turtles?

(obviously they wouldn't let it affect her in any harmful way, but like, to what extent does she know of the stuff the boys went through?)

I feel like the fandom REALLY likes the boys being broken forever but that's not a story I'm interested in telling in August's AU. Yes, the boys still carry scars and hurts from their pasts but they're also adults who have learned and grown and gone through years of therapy and come out the other side better for it. Even if they have bad days, they've learned how to address their problems in healthy ways. They've also built a strong emotional support system with their family and friends, so they're not alone either. If someone is struggling, the brothers know they can turn to their loved ones for help and will receive it without judgement. Do they still dig their heels in on that sometimes? Sure. But the others are pretty good at reading their cues and doing what they can to help loved ones out of slumps. August AU turtles took/take care of their emotional/physical/etc needs, so they're overall well adjusted, healthy, and happy. August also knows her family is made of heroes, and that being heroes isn't easy. The family doesn't hide their adventures from her, they just might leave out certain details of an event to make it less scary (Donnie has always been very straight forward with August - neither of them are good liars and neither of them WANT to lie to each other - so trust and honesty are important aspects of their relationship). Kid August knows that at one point, for example, her Uncle Leo was in the prison dimension with the Krang. It was scary, but he was rescued by his family and everything was okay in the end. She might not initially be told he intentionally trapped himself there, how that hurt the family and what that could imply. If August pressed for details on anything though, she would get them. She also knows sometimes those events will still upset Uncle Leo and the rest of the family but if someone's not doing well then they take care of themselves and gets better again. It does become important to be more detailed about stories like the Krang invasion as August grows and insists on carrying on the Hamato legacy / being a 'hero' / fighting for and protecting others. It's not always "hero beats up bad guy and the day is saved hooray!"- she needs to know and understand what she could potentially be up against, that the hero isn't guaranteed a victory and there can be a lot of damage done along the way. The fact that her family is there for her no matter what happens though, is also reinforced. They're careful not to make their fears into hers. So if there's lasting trauma from their battles, August doesn't feel it inflicted on to her. She just knows if she sees a faraway look in a loved ones eyes and they flinch when she gently touches their hand, she'll be extra nice to them that day and ask if they want to have a cup of tea and a piece of fruit with her. Long story short: realistically yes there would likely be residual trauma and the existence of mental health struggles wouldn't be hidden from August. But my turtles are grown adults with lots of therapy and support. Life is messy, and you can't clean up every mess, but there are futures where everything is ultimately okay, even if it's not perfect. Kids are smart, they'll often see between the cracks of what's said. But these turtles recover and grow and get better. So August is raised in a very happy, healthy, and honest family. They're excellent role models.

[yoyokslut]

Oh he looks so cute wrapped 'round my finger.

Mason Mount x reader

a/n: i was getting ready for a birthday party and idk why but i just started to imagine how would it be like with mason being there lol so enjoy i guess

Okay imagine you're getting ready to go out either by yourself or together

You're doing your makeup just focusing on leave it as perfect as you can

And he's just sitting on the bed, leaning on the headboard with his hands behind his head watching you

Baby boy literally has heart eyes while staring at you and thinking how lucky he is to have you in his life, how lucky he is to love and be loved by you, how honored he is because you allowed him to be your boyfriend out of all men in the world, you choose him

And sometimes he would think out loud

"your beauty is out of this world" "so you're telling me i pulled all that" "love, you are so beautiful i can't stop staring at you" "you are glowing" "i'm definitely the luckiest man on the planet"

You would be blushing like CRAZY

And guess what? Yes

He'd be teasing non-stop

"babe, stop" you'd say covering your face "look at you, my little red tomato" he'd remove your hands from your face and stroke your cheeks with his "more like a strawberry because you are the cutest" and he would place kisses all over your face

He would ask for every product you use and what it does

"what's that for?" "to get rid of shine" "and that?" "to give shine"

He would end up more confused and would just limited to watch your every step

He would also help you get dressed if you're wearing a dress or corset or help you put your heels on

"i can put them on myself, babe, no need to bother" "no, you don't need to bother, my pretty princess doesn't need to do anything by herself when i'm around"

He's so smitten he would do anything ANYTHING for his girl

And just because he loves teasing and getting you upset or frustrated (bc it's his favorite hobby)

After you put lipstick or lipgloss he would be kissing you so you have to reapply it because he's messing it up and he's just laughing about it

"you jerk! Mason, stop!! We're gonna be late" you say trying to get away from him but he holds you tighter so you can't escape while he makes fun of you "it's not funny" a little giggle would escape you "then why are you laughing?" he says while arching a brow "i hate you" "i love you too, baby" he'd whisper before joining your lips in a tender kiss

[0cta9on]

IVE Gaeul Short Story

Heya there dude✌️Great day to you

Can I have a short about Gaeul?

"Despite being younger than her, you still treat her like a baby, which she seriously protests. She can be tsundere at times. Cutest thing about her especially when she accidentally blurts her true feelings, then quickly covers it up."

In IVE she's the oldest but shortest one, due to her small figure she sometimes gets teased by her member, imo that's her cutest charm 😭 hope this enlightens your day☺️

Hello mikeylo! Tbh I had no idea Gaeul is the oldest in IVE, I always assumed it was Yujin :> This might be a little different than what you ask for, but I hope you enjoy it regardless :]

It's a great day outside - the sun is shining, birds are chirping, and the breeze is... breezing. Perfect day for a bike ride through the park. You text the group chat, inviting them all to join you on your ride, only to be met with an array of excuses of why they can't go.

"My stomach hurts."

"My grandma is in the hospital and I need to see her."

"I have a date today." (He definitely doesn't, but you guess someone else took his excuse)

Right as you think you're gonna have to tough it out alone, you get another text that brings a smile to your face.

Gaeul: I'll go with you.

______________________________________________________________

"See, isn't this so nice, noona?"

You go on bike rides often, so this is all pretty second nature to you. Gaeul, on the other hand...

"H-how the f-freak do you ride this th-thing?"

She hasn't even looked at, let alone ridden a bike, since elementary school. Had you known that, you would've suggested just going for a walk instead, but Gaeul insisted on going on this bike ride with you.

You get off your bike and go to help her. "Here, just keep your arms steady and-" You place your hand on hers to steady the handles, but she swats your hand away.

"I-I can do it by myself, j-just tell me what to do."

"Uh, alright, the main thing is to keep the handlebars steady, if you shake too much like you're doing now, you're going to fall over."

Gaeul tries to move forward, but can barely go a few feet without placing her foot on the ground.

You sigh. "Are you sure you want to do this, noona? We can do something else if you want-"

"No!" She exclaims, drawing some looks from other people at the park. Her cheeks burn pink with embarrassment. "I-I can do this, just- AH!"

Gaeul falls to the ground, scraping her knee against the pavement. In a panic, you run to her side to assess the damage.

"Noona! Are you okay!? Do you need anyth-"

"Ugh, I'm fine! It's just a little scrape." The scratch on her knee is bright red against her porcelain skin. It is, indeed, just a little scrape, but you can't stop yourself from worrying.

"There's a convenience store nearby, I can go and get some bandages real quick-"

"I'm not a child!" Gaeul huffs at you with anger and annoyance. "I told you I'm fine, you idio- Ow!"

As she tries to stand up, a pain shoots through her leg, causing her to fall back down. Before she can protest, you pick up her and carry her to a nearby bench.

"Yah, what are you doing, put me down-"

"Noona," you interrupt her, looking into her eyes. "You say you're fine a lot, but I can tell when you're lying. You never tell anyone about your problems so no one has to worry about you, but that only makes me worry more. I know you better than anyone else in this world, so please let me help you."

She opens her mouth to speak, but no words come out, only a blank thoughtful stare. You place her gently on the bench.

"I'll be right back, okay? I'm gonna get some bandages," you say. Gaeul gives you a small nod before you run to the convenience store.

______________________________________________________________

You return to her a couple minutes later with some Hello Kitty bandages and a banana milk. Gaeul is staring at the ground, that same blank expression on her face.

"Here." You poke the straw through the lid of the banana milk. "Drink up."

"I can do it myself, y'know..." She mutters under her breath, taking the drink from your hand.

"I know, but I want to do it for you, okay?" She turns her head away to hide the blush on her cheeks, but you still see it anyways. So cute.

You carefully place a Hello Kitty bandage on her knee, offering an apologetic look after she winces from the pain.

"There, all good now." You smile up at her, but she averts her gaze. "Are you okay, noona?"

"I'm fine-"

"No. I know that look on your face. If you really don't want to say it, I won't pry, but please just let me help you," you plead.

Gaeul sighs, dropping her gaze to the ground. "Why do you treat me like such a kid?"

"Wha...?

"I'm older than you, y'know. I should be the one getting you bandages and banana milk."

You look at her, confused. Her expression is oddly serious, a far cry from her usual fiery self.

"Noona, I just want to help-"

"Well, I never asked for your help!" She yells at you. Her voice is angry, but you can see tears welling up in her eyes. "You're so... annoying sometimes, y'know that!? Always asking how I'm doing, taking care of me like I'm some kind of baby, well, I'm not a baby, you idiot! I can take care of myself!"

You're left stunned, your mind too boggled to say anything. How long has she felt like this? Did you make her uncomfortable? You look back on all the time you've spent with her. Were you being overbearing? All you ever did was look out for her. Where everyone else saw this angry girl, you saw someone who was dying to be understood, and you wanted to be the person that understood her.

You meet her eyes. Tears pour down her face with each shaky breath. "I-I'm sorry, noona, I... If you hate me so much, why did you agree to hang out with me?"

"Because I don't hate you, stupid, I like you!" Her cheeks burn red with passion. "And you're too good for me..." Just like a fizzling flame, Gaeul's anger devolves into a waterfall of tears.

You sit next to her and wrap you arms around her, pulling her into a gentle squeeze as she cries.

"W-why are you so nice to me...?" She asks in between sobs. "I push e-everyone else away, yet y-you always come back. Why?

A second passes before you're able to answer. "Because you're my friend, and I... I like you too. A lot."

Gaeul looks up at you, her cheeks red and wet with tears.

"I hate it when you think you have to deal with everything by yourself because you don't. You have a whole group of friends there for you. A-and me." You meet her eyes, heart thumping with nervous excitement. "I want you to rely on me the most. M-maybe I started treating you like a child because of that, I'm sorry-"

Gaeul kisses your cheek, sending a wave of electricity through your entire body. It was short and sweet, yet the heat lingers on your skin.

"I-I'm sorry for yelling at you," she says, not meeting your eyes. "You treat me so nicely, and I treat you like garbage.

"Would you kiss garbage on the cheek?" You quip, eliciting a cute giggle from her lips.

The sun falls behind the horizon, painting the sky above into an ombre of fiery orange and gentle indigo. You pull her closer to you, wrapping an arm around her waist as she rests her head on your shoulder. The two of you have a lot to talk about later, but right now, you just want to say in this moment, gazing at the sky.

[gffa]

I know it just came out and that there's only a couple episodes, but is the Acolyte any good? I tend to vibe with your star wars opinions and wanted to hear from someone who is also pro jedi

It depends on what you're looking to get out of it, I would say. For me, I have a pretty high tolerance for looking past any potential narrative intentions that go into a Star Wars story if it's not from Lucas himself and rolling with unreliable narrators and conflicting needs between the Jedi and another group. But other people have had their nerves scraped raw by that or just aren't interested in it, and that's fair! We're not even halfway through the series, we haven't had enough time to reveal the big mysteries that will really tells us what the show is trying to say, so I can't give a fully endorsed stamp of approval in pretty much any direction! What I will say is this: I think it's fine so far. It's not great, it's not terrible. There are some things that had me giving a mild side-eye, but there are things that I genuinely enjoyed, re: the Jedi stuff. Overall, I think people read too much into stuff and won't let characters just be, like if a character is a stick in the mud, then that's an indictment of all Jedi ever?? Hard disagree! Just let that one character have his own personality! I think, if you have a tolerance for stories that have unreliable narrators who are mad at the Jedi, but it's not hard to understand that they're coming from an unreliable but sympathetic place/that the Jedi aren't coming from a horrible place, you'll be fine with it so far. If you're fine with mentally separating this out from Lucas' Star Wars and are willing to either enjoy it or just leave it on the table, because it doesn't need to be perfect, this isn't going to impact the Star Wars story of my heart (which is the first six movies + first six seasons of TCW), I hope you'll like it well enough. If you're fine with a few "....did this person actually watch closely the movies/TCW?" moments that are overall actually really mild so far, you'll be fine. tl;dr: I think it's fine, if you vibe with my approach to stuff (especially over the last year, where I've worked really hard to chill out on stuff), you'll be okay with it so far.

[2aceofspades]

Me to Two:

Gaw hopefully they make up, yeah...

Fingers crossed 🤞🤞

Perfect opportunity for a lil Acey ramble sesh tho~

Spoilers for anyone who hasn't read EMD! Also this is gonna be long cuz I like to ramble sometimes. All of this is just me rambling my own thoughts and perspectives (:

_______________________________________________

In all honesty, I know I'm personally expecting there to be a lot of unresolved tension between the both of them if they get an opportunity to talk. I mean, I doubt their childhood was filled with apologies and making up and such. Their childhood must have been filled with them being pitted against one another in some ways. Their strengths have been both used and somewhat strained by Draxum to benefit the mission he placed on them. This has probably negatively affected their egos quite a bit, thus exacerbating that brutal sibling rivalry.

From the start, One hasn't been all too kind or honest with Two either. Although, it could be argued that Two's betrayal just stings more because One had spent every little mission making sure Two stayed safe, one way or another. That much is seen through One's internal monologue throughout the story. Two's betrayal also definitely hits more to One's autonomy, which is its own can of worms, of course.

But One also spent his time jeopardizing Draxum's orders for One's own personal goal of taking out Raph and Mikey...thus jeopardizing his and Two's success with their given mission. This must have been a pretty heavy blow to Two, who chose to do and not to do things for One because Two was under the impression that their mission was their sole focus. Thus, their perspectives play a big role in both sides of this broken trust and strain in their relationship as experimental child soldiers and brothers (in arms).

So, maybe Two had a similar perspective and goal. And I think this has been discussed that, on the surface, Two did what he did for the sake of the mission. In his eyes, his betrayal was justified and almost necessary for success. One was threatening their sole mission because of One's personal fears. So, in Two's eyes, shutting down One would thus secure their success. Right? Cuz, at the end of the day, isn't that what they're both going after? Success? It looks different for the two of them, but Two is following orders and One is taking out the experiments that he perceives as threats in order to secure his and Two's ranks in Draxum's command. They're both trying to succeed, both in the things they choose to do and not to do.

Additionally, maybe Two didn't expect One to take it so personally. Both of them were hurt by one another, betrayed by each other. I don't think it was ever one-sided. Cuz how could it be? One was trying to protect Two, but I think the same can be said for Two. He isn't the total bad guy. Their perceptions of each other and of themselves are skewed, off...and it makes sense. That's a major reason why I love this story so much. At least, for me, it's relatable in that way. Because when someone who raises you and is supposedly trying to protect you does things out of fear instead of love, your perception is off. Maybe it looks like love, but it doesn't feel like it.

For both One and Two, they do things out of fear. They were raised to be useful tools; that's how they're perceived by Draxum. Their strengths are useful, even their fear is useful at times. The things they can do are useful and they can be replaced if they are not 'good' tools. So, when something or someone threatens that perception, they do things out of fear of being useless, unsuccessful. It's difficult to not see yourself or others in that same way. That has been very relatable for me, in all honesty. And it's a repeating theme for both One and Two AND Draxum in the story, which makes sense.

Does all of this make what Two did okay? No. It just puts a possible explanation to why he did what he did.

Small circle back, One and Two would both need to take responsibility for the things they did and failed to do and rebuild their trust. Will that happen? I don't know, but I hope so :)

I love thinking up the possible timeline between them though. Both of them have certainly said and done some rather hurtful things to each other. Is that going to be acknowledged by either one or both of them? Mm...I dunno. I hope so, but they'd only really have that modeled from Raph and Mikey. It would be AMAZING if they have that finally modeled by Draxum though. I think that would open a door for all three of them that could introduce some real, nice healing. Will that happen? Again, I don't know, but damn do I hope so.

All in all, I am hopeful for both One and Two. They deserve to just be themselves, not just used as helpful tools, ya know? That's my two cents tho (:

[marblemoonstones]

cravings 🥞

main masterlist

summary: you and jungkook are just best friends, but that doesn’t stop you from yearning for more.

warnings: f reader, curse words, fluffy!!, not edited well

word count: ~4.2k

a/n: trying to get back into writing, but tbh this is kinda rushed and i’m so sorry for that 😭 jin’s return is so so soon, and ik it’s not a jin one shot, but enjoy this mediocre warm up.

*does mention sweeney todd musical, no spoilers but some characters mentioned*

jungkookie: 🍪: did u get my text

you: ...maybe

jungkookie 🍪: so?

You sigh, mentally debating whether or not you want to go. Tomorrow night is your school's theatre performance that you and Jungkook are going to see together. As much as you were looking forward to it, Jungkook had asked to go out to eat afterwards. which meant that you two would probably end up going with a bunch of others (due to Jungkook's popularity) leading you to do two things that you absolutely hated: staying up late and having to socialize with other people. But, on the other hand, you didn't want to disappoint Jungkook. You know that if you don’t go he wouldn't either, and would end up taking you home instead. While he acted as though he didn’t mind, you knew that he likes to hang out with his friends. And, since he is always with you, you feel guilty if he doesn’t get to hang out with others. So, you decide to suck it up and go, only for Jungkook's sake.

you: okay i'll go out after 

jungkookie 🍪: yay ur the best!!

Seeing Jungkook's enthusiastic response made you sigh. Why did you have to have a crush on your best friend? Those hopeful eyes and gorgeous smile have always made you wistful, hoping that maybe, someday, you could tell him the truth. But, alas, you're stuck with admiring him in your heart.

you: yeah yeah whatever

you: see you tomorrow @6 

jungkookie 🍪: see u tomorrow!

Well, it is what it is. At least you get to spend more time with Jungkook. Sighing, you turn off your phone and resort to your favorite pastime: binge-watching youtube kpop compilations. You know there are a million other things you could be doing (homework being one of them) but who doesn't love to watch a bunch of (hot) idiots goof around? 

~

The next day, school goes by in a blur of the usual 'pretending to pay attention but actually talking to friends’ ritual. 

Your to do list grows but you manage to ignore it. That's a later problem.

The first problem right now is picking an outfit for the performance tonight. Your closet looks like it threw up on your bed, and it’s definitely going to be a pain in the ass to pick up all these clothes. At this point all you want to do is curl up with a book and forget about going at all.

Your mom pokes her head in and says "Going somewhere special tonight?"

"No," you respond, starfished on the bed, hardly visible with the piles of clothes. “Just the school musical." 

"Oh right, well, enjoy that honey. Are you going out afterwards?" Your mom asks. 

"Yes," you groan, throwing a hand over your face. 

"Okay...well have fun. You’re only a teenager once!" With that, your mom leaves you to your fashion dilemma. 

Eventually you settle on a cute sweater with your favorite pair of jeans. Casual but also dressed up just enough to hopefully impress Jungkook.

After a quick snack (eating afterwards will definitely be a big affair, so no dinner) you head out after getting a text from Jungkook.

jungkookie 🍪: i’m here hurry up 

you: i'm coming. learn to have some patience 

jungkookie 🍪: just get your ass out here 

"Bye mom!" you shout, grabbing your purse and dashing out the door.

"Bye sweetie! Have fun!" 

You get into Jungkook's passenger seat and shut the door.

"You need to learn to wait five seconds," you say, shoving him.

"But what's the fun in that?" Grinning, he pulls out of the driveway. 

You two jam out to the radio on the way to the theatre, you stealing glances at his side profile. His button nose and full lips paint the perfect portrait. How can someone be so heavenly? 

Pulling into a spot, Jungkook asks you, "So what exactly is this musical about?" 

"Jungkook!" you scold, "I told you to look up a synopsis before coming to watch!" 

"I'm sorry, okay? I didn't have time. I assume that it's about a man named Sweeney Todd?" (a/n: sweeney todd is underestimated)

You roll your eyes at Jungkook, then grab his arm.

"Let's just go. I hope they have a summary in the program." 

After showing your tickets you two grab a program and go find your seats. You had forced Jungkook to get decently close seats, much to his complaints. 

"But y/nnnn I don't want to be that close to the pit...my ears will literally die!" 

"Suck it up, buttercup. I want to be able to see it up close, you know I love live theatre." 

Jungkook pouts, but secretly loves how much you adore musicals.

"Okay, right here! Row C." You and Jungkook go to the middle and get settled.

"You know I'm only here for you, right?" Jungkook asks, flipping through his program. 

Your heart stutters.

"What about supporting Jimin?" You ask, trying to ignore the question. The theatre nerd is one of Jungkook's close friends, and in the ensemble. 

“Jimin doesn't care whether or not I’m here," Jungkook says, finding the blonde's photo in the program, "Besides, he gets enough attention from all the girls anyways." 

"Ha ha very funny. Did you find the summary?" you ask, reaching over to flip to the front area of the program and pointing to it. "Read. Now."

"Okay, okay, I'll read it." Jungkook starts reading it while acting overly shocked. “Wow…it takes place in London. Does that mean they have to fake a British accent?”

You sneakily snap a photo of him looking like an idiot and add it to your album 'kookie 🐰.' 

After Jungkook finishes reading it, he turns to you.

"Okay, y/n, I read the summary. Happy?" 

You nod. "Yes. Now I hope you can kinda understand what's happening." 

As soon as you finish saying that the lights dim halfway, and you know that it's going to start soon. 

"Did you take a picture of me?" Jungkook whispers as the orchestra starts warming up.

You feel your cheeks warm. Hopefully he can't see it in the dim lighting. 

"No?" you whisper, and it comes out as a question. 

"Why would you take a photo-" 

Before Jungkook can finish his question the music starts and you're thankful you don't have to answer him. 

"Attend the tale of Sweeney Todd...his skin was pale and his eye was odd...he shaved the faces of gentlemen who never thereafter were heard of again..."

~

A Little Priest finishes and the lights come up for intermission. 

"So, Jungkook, what did you think?" You gush, wanting to discuss all the details and songs.

"I think that Pirelli was a real dickhead, that's what," Jungkook says passionately.

"Shhh! Don't say that so loud. Yes, he was a dick, but he's not a problem anymore!" You look around subtly, hoping that no one heard Jungkook.

"Yeah yeah. I think that Lovett is pretty smart, but she's too infatuated with Sweeney. Like, girl needs to calm down a little."

If only he knew how much you were infatuated with him; you'd put Lovett to shame.

"Yeah...I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be right back." You hurry out, suddenly sweating, and leaving a confused Jungkook behind.

In the bathroom you shut yourself in a stall to attempt to calm yourself down. Your beating heart does little to help, and you want so badly to tell Jungkook the truth. But you know that he probably doesn't feel the same way. I mean, why would he? He deserves to be with someone as amazing and perfect as him. You have your qualities, but they don’t compare to Jungkook’s. 

Steeling yourself you open the stall to go wash your hands and check yourself in the mirror. Your cheeks aren't tinted as much and after a quick fix of your hair you look normal. 

Taking a deep breath, you walk back to your seat. 

"Sorry, I just really had to go to the bathroom," you sheepishly say to Jungkook, who's looking at you strangely. 

"Mhm...okay. Anyways, what was your favorite song so far?" is the suspicious response. 

You don't think that Jungkook really believes your excuse, but he diverts the subject so you go along with it. 

~

After talking for the rest of intermission, act two starts. You take your focus off of Jungkook and enjoy the rest of the show.

Amidst the chaos with the lunatics, you leans over to whisper, "Jimin makes a really good crazy person."

Jungkook stifles his laugh, but it's true. Jimin makes the most demented face and has you questioning whether or not he's actually insane.

~

At the end of the show you and Jungkook give the performers a standing ovation. 

"Woo!" You cheer, seeing the cast grin at each other.

When the house lights come up Jungkook drags you over to say hi to Jimin.

"Hey, great job! Y/n over here thought that your facial expressions were really funny." Jungkook elbows you playfully. 

You just awkwardly smile, as you only know Jimin through Jungkook.

"Well thank you, y/n. I try," Jimin responds, dramatically giving a bow.

You laugh a bit at that, making Jungkook grin.

"Hey, so y/n and I are going to go out to eat and I was wondering if you wanted to join us." There it goes. You knew Jungkook would want to hang out with other people, as he always does.

Little do you know that it's only because Jungkook is too nervous to be with you by himself.

"Sure, just let me put my mic away, change, and take this makeup off of me so I don't look like a clown," Jimin jokes. 

"You already look like one normally," Jungkook snarks, earning a shove and a "Shut the fuck up," from Jimin. 

"Well y/n and I will go get a table because we don't want to wait for your ass," Jungkook says, starting to leave. 

You wave at Jimin and he just winks, gesturing for you to follow Jungkook.

Jungkook pulls out of the parking lot. You turn on the music again, partly because you hate a silent car but mostly because you want to listen to Jungkook's angelic voice.

You then realize you don't even know where you're going to eat.

"Wait Jungkook where are we going?" you ask, but figure it out halfway through your question.

"Ihop of course! I know you crave late night breakfast," is the peppy reply. 

You are so lucky to have someone who knows you so well, but you don't want to force him to go there just because of your cravings. This always happens.

"Oh, well don't feel obligated to go there! We always go there because of me. Why don't we go somewhere for you this time?" you ask, trying to convince Jungkook.

He just stubbornly shakes his head and says "No, it's okay. I know how your cravings get, and I'm always in the mood for pancakes! Besides, I already told Jimin that's where we are going." 

You protest, but his stubbornness keeps you from arguing for long. He always wins.

Eventually you pull into the parking lot and hop out.

"So Jungkook...is it only us and Jimin?" you ask as said man checks his phone. Maybe you won't have to deal with a ton of people?

"No, sorry y/n. I know how you don't like a lot of people. Jimin invited some of the theatre people like Jin, Hoseok, and Taehyung. And then they invited their friends, so Namjoon, Yoongi, and Jackson are all coming," Jungkook finishes, giving you a sympathetic look. (a/n, it’s always jackson, isn’t it?)

Ugh. Why did you have to have such a thoughtful best friend? 

"It's fine, Jungkook. Don't worry about it," you say, genuinely meaning it. Giving Jungkook a smile, you hope to ease his worries.

It works, as he grins back and gestures for you to follow him. 

Stepping inside Jungkook gets a table and then you both follow the waitress.

"Table for nine, right here. Would you like to wait for everyone to arrive before you order?" Asks the waitress.

"Yes, please," Jungkook replies.

You thank your waitress and then sit down on the end. Jungkook sits beside you.

"How long do you think it'll take for them to get here?" You ask, checking the time and seeing that it's 10:07. On a regular night you’ be curled up in bed either reading or binge watching a show.

"Soon. And if they don't then we'll just order without them," Jungkook says cheekily. 

Approximately ten minutes later the doors to Ihop burst open and you see the cluster of boys. 

"Well, I guess they're here," you murmer, feeling a little out of place as the only girl. 

"Yeah...hey if you ever feel like it's too much, just text me or let me know because I'll do my best to help you," Jungkook says at the pack comes over to sit down. 

"Hey Kook, how you doing?" A makeup-free Jimin asks, sitting next to him. Taehyung sits across from you and waves, a boxy grin on his face.

You wave shyly back. 

"Good, took you guys a long time to get here, though," Jungkook complains, shoving Jimin lightly. 

"Whatever. You're the one who didn't want us here in our makeup, so deal with the consequences." As Jimin finishes this sentence the waitress comes back over.

"Ready to order drinks?" She asks, notepad and pen at the ready.

"Sure," Jungkook says, then orders a soda. 

Going around the table you're last, and mostly everyone else orders a drink with some kind of caffeine. Will you be lame if you get a water? You don't want to keep yourself up all night. 

"And you miss?" She asks.

"I'll have a water please," you say quietly, causing her to nod.

"Okay, I'll get those out for you!" She bustles back to the kitchen and everyone proceeds to continue talking and laughing in their loud banters. 

You already know what you're ordering, so you place the menu down and look at the odd crew that you're with. 

Across from you Taehyung and Yoongi talk loudly, with Taehyung doing most of the talking. Yoongi just sits, an image of bored, but you can tell from his endeared stare and small upturn of his lips that he's enjoys listening to Taehyung. 

Next to Yoongi sits Namjoon, Jin, and Jackson. They're typically a quieter trio, and they chat amongst themselves calmly...ish (compared to the next group). 

Across from Jackson sits Hoseok, then Jimin, Jungkook, and you. 

Hoseok is talking animatedly with Jimin, using his arms to gesture and you almost laugh when Jimin just barely dodges his arm. 

"So y/n, what are you going to order?" Jungkook asks, drawing your attention away from Hoseok.

"French toast," you say, shrugging, "What about you?" 

Jungkook ignores your question and hums in response, "Oh, it's a french toast night. Are you feeling okay? You only order french toast when you aren't that hungry and can have leftovers later." 

How does Jungkook always know? You aren't hungry despite not having dinner. Sometimes these spells happen where you don’t eat much, and somehow Jungkook always can sense when they are.

You see Jimin lean out behind Jungkook and dart his eyes to Jungkook and back to you, eyebrows raised suggestivly. 

What's that supposed to mean?

Diverting your eyes away from Jimin, you're about to respond but the waitress comes back with the drinks.

Thanking her, you quickly rip the straw wrapping off and promptly shove it in the water, taking a sip to avoid answering the question. 

But Jungkook won't let you off the hook so easily.

"Y/n, answer the question. Or, at least answer this: did you eat dinner? If not, then you should really eat more than one piece of french toast," Jungkook says loudly, ignores the poor waitress who's trying to get his order. 

"Jungkook, order. She's waiting." You gesture to the waitress, and Jungkook quickly orders his combo meal before turning back to you. 

"And for you miss?" The waitress looks concerned as Jungkook gives you an angry look. 

"I'll have the classic french toast, please," you say meekly, feeling Jungkook's glare at you.

The waitress nods before quickly scurrying off, clearly aware of the sudden tension at the table.

"Y/n, you know I only ask because I care about you," Jungkook says, still being louder than you like. 

"I know, Kook," you say, your voice much quieter. Does he understand that he's being too loud? Some people from the tables around you are staring. 

Jungkook takes a look at your face and realizes his mistake and he goes to apologize. 

"Y/n, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I shouldn't have been so loud and-" 

The talking around you suddenly feels louder and it’s all too much. You're feeling anxiety because of the situation, guilt because Jungkook always has to apologize even when it's not needed, and sadness because you wish you could stop being so annoying with these types of outings.

"It's okay," you manage to say, stopping Jungkook's rambling, "I'm okay. I think that I'll just go home now." This is what happens when you go out. What you wouldn’t give to be tucked under your covers with your moonbeam reading light on. 

"Can you cancel my order?" You ask Jungkook, seeing him protest. 

"Y/n-"

"No, it's fine Jungkook. Really. Stay and enjoy," you manage to get out. Seeing him so sad makes your heart clench but it's for the better. 

You get up from your chair and leave, Jungkook's stare burning into your back.

Half of you hopes that he follows you, but the other half doesn't want that to happen. 

Your stomach aches (Probably from hunger, or nerves. Or both.) and you are yet again thinking that this is another example of why you don’t deserve Jungkook. He’s just too kind. Honestly, doesn’t he ever get tired of taking care of you? As much as you wish you could pull away from him, he still draws you in like a magnet. Curse his amazing personality.

You are afraid of what will happen in the future. Will these feelings go away? Will they go away if you suppress them? Will Jungkook laugh at you if you tell him? Of course he'll laugh. There's no way he feels the same way. Who would ever like you?

All these questions bombard your brain as you lean against the wall. 

You know that you need to text your mom to come pick you up (Jungkook was your ride home) but for now you focus on calming your self-depricating thoughts and suppressing your feelings.

Someone touches your shoulder and you almost jump out of your skin.

"Woah! Sorry, it's just me y/n." There stands Jungkook, looking perfect as always even in the horrible fluorescent lighting. Great.

"Oh, hey Jungkook," you say, "Why are you out here? I told you I'm fine." You should’ve known that it was impossible to trick Jungkook into thinking you’re okay.

"You're clearly not fine. Can you tell me what's wrong? First it's rushing off to the bathroom and now rushing out of here. You've been acting weird all night. So, what's up?" Jungkook crosses his arms and leans against the wall next to you, clearly not planning on leaving until he gets the answer out of you.

Fuck. 

"But Jungkook-"

"No, y/n. Just tell me. Please." Jungkook is so desperate to know and it seems as though he's begging for answers for more than just tonight.

How can you tell him? 

Memories flash before your eyes of you and Jungkook.

~

Middle school, where you both were the most awkward people, still developing their personalities while adjusting to hormones. But after being partnered up for a project you two became friends. 

Walking across the stage for middle school promotion, you in that floral sundress that makes Jungkook go crazy and him in a polka-dotted bow tie.

Starting high school together, your friendship still going strong. Clutching your backpacks as you take the next step into adulthood, all while still being a teenager. 

Going to homecoming and prom together as 'friends' only, despite the looks. His tie always matches your dress, causing you to pretend that he’s yours, if only for one night.

Jungkook being there for you as you cry because of school stress. 

"I-I just can't do it anymore. There's too much. I'll never be able to catch up and then there's always more piling on and it never ends! Why does it never end?!"  

He just wraps his arms around you and pulls you close, his warmth and silence being the best remedy as you sob your heart out, while wrapped in your worn pink blanket that he bought for you.

You being there for him at all his various sporting events. Cross country meets, basketball, swimming. Whenever there was a home meet, you were there, sitting in the bleachers cheering him on. 

During the hot cross country meets, you were the one to give Jungkook a water bottle at the end.

During the basketball games you'd be in the students section with some friends, dressed in whatever the theme was that night. You would always cheer the loudest when Jungkook would score (which was quite a lot, considering how good he was). 

During swim meets you'd be on the bleachers. Even though there were many other attractive shirtless boys, you only ever looked at Jungkook (and his fine muscles...who knew he was hiding abs under his baggy sweatshirts?). 

~ 

Staring up at him now makes you realize that even if he doesn't feel the same, it's Jungkook. He wouldn't just destroy your friendship if he didn't like you back. Jungkook would let you down slowly and still keep your friendship. 

"Okay Kook. I'll tell you." Inhaling a big breath you clench your fists and spit it out.

"I like you."

Silence. 

You avoid his eyes, choosing to look at the concrete. You ask yourself why you thought this was a good idea. Surely he thinks you're stupid. God, why are you such a fool-

"Oh."

A note of, hopefulness? Is that really what you hear? Confused you look up to Jungkook...smiling? 

"Why do you have that gleam in your eye?" You ask, still scared but now also suspicious.

Jungkook just takes a step closer, still wearing that stupid goofy grin with a hint of something else.

"Because." Is his helpful response to your question.

Before you say another word Jungkook closes the gap between you two, pressing his lips softly against yours. 

It's better than what you ever imagined and sweeter than anything you've tasted. His lips are like sugary clouds of cotton candy, and you want to taste them forever. If this was a rom-com, the peak of the movie would be this moment right here.

Suddenly the dim lighting and ugly parking lot seems romantic, blossoming with love.

Jungkook pulls away, clearly enjoying the befuddled look on your face.

"W-what?" You ask, semi-breathless, still reeling from what just happened. 

Jungkook just laughs quietly. 

"Isn't it obvious? I like you too y/n," he says, grabbing your hands.

Were you in a rom-com, or did your best friend just confess to you?

"Wait, hold on. You do?" 

Apparently your skepticalness is funny to Jungkook because he just laughs again. 

"Yes, y/n. I just kissed you, doesn't that show my feelings for you?" Jungkook asks, pulling you close. 

You can feel the comforting warmth of Jungkook and ask yourself again if this was real life.

"And, if that doesn't show them, then should I kiss you again?" 

Jungkook is sneaky, that little devil. 

Before you can answer, he leans down to press a kiss to your left cheek. Then your right. And next is your nose.

"Jungkook! Stop!" You giggle, trying to push him away. 

"No! Not until you know I like you!" Jungkook is stubborn, and under the onslaught of kisses you can only be strong for so long.

"Okay okay! I believe you!" You’re must sinking into Jungkook’s hold more.

"Good." He stops kissing you after one more on the top of your head.

You bask in his arms around you for a minute. 

Then, you furrow your brows as another question pops into your head.

"Wait, Jungkook...now what?" You ask the question innocently, making Jungkook laugh once again at all the options he has.

"Now I take you on a proper date, give you hugs and kisses all the time, always be with you, hold your hand constantly-"

"What?" You interrupt, eyes wide at all the things Jungkook is listing. 

"That's right. Now that you're mine, I can do all this and more!" Jungkook cheers, all while hoping he isn't coming on too strong.

"Oh...that sounds kinda nice," you admit shyly, your heart pounding again at the thought of being able to love Jungkook freely.

"I'm glad. Now, let's go finish our first date?" Jungkook gestures to the Ihop building. 

"Okay." 

Bashfully you reach out your hand and Jungkook takes it happily. 

a/n: why do i kinda hate this now 😭 i hope the mc didn’t come off as victimizing herself, she’s just insecure. please remember you’re beautiful and strong, and deserve all the love in the world! 🩷🫶🏼

please request if you have one! i often run out of ideas, so any are welcome! (please sfw tho) :)