#it's why I'm not here lately. I've spent most of today writing and while it is a bit slow it's exactly the pace I like

[naranjapetrificada]

Thinking this midday about ofmd AUs and what it means for someone to be "out of character". I've talked about this here at length before, but today I'm thinking about a different aspect of it. Namely that I wish people thought more about their goals when writing and recalibrated their relationships with canon as a concept.

We all know by now how contentious a certain late first mate (what is the opposite of "qepd" lol) is. When writing him in fic, some people seem to have this (inexplicable to me) urge to show him behaving in ways that the canon version of him would hate (outwardly nice, polite, kind, open, etc). And while not everyone is open to direct feedback about their writing, I've seen discussions a handful of times in ao3 comments and more commonly over here between readers about how in or out character potrayals of him are, and something occured to me today.

When there are opposing sides on the core question of whether or not a portrayal is in or out of character (vs people who agree on that question but may have quibbles about the reasons why they came to their conclusion), the sides tend to be "here's why this was in character" and "here's why this isn't in character". And while that gap will always exist because there are as many readings of a text as there are readers, there's a reason the concepts of "canonical" and "non-canonical" exist. There are things that are canon and things that are not and there is disagreement about which things are which but like it or not, there are some people that are more correct about canonicity.

The thing about fan works is that people should always create what they want, and will do so according to their interpretations of source material, and the question of being in or out of character should, at the end of the day, come down to your goals. We all have more goals in our creative work beyond "finish" or "do it well" and we may not consciously consider them, but they're always there. Those "alternate" goals may be different from work to work, but they exist are influenced by our experiences and inspirations and aren't ever going to be 100% impartial or canon-aligned, because the former would be boring as hell and the latter is neither possible nor desired in what's supposed to be a transformative work.

Everyone who creates anything wants it to be "good", but measures of quality can change from work to work the way goals can. For many writers, how "true" their characterization feels can be one of those quality measures that relate to their goals. Probably in most cases tbh, and especially in AUs. But it isn't always part of the equation because other writers have other goals, and it's usually pretty obvious when those goals haven't been examined.

Some of y'all think Con O'Neill/Izzy Hands is hot, and just wany to imagine his character in various sexual situations with other characters you find attractive (or at least narrative useful) in some way and you know what? That's perfectly fine, and despite not comprehending that impulse at all I understand the importance of creative freedom in fandom enough to want people who write that to write it without hesitation. In these cases we often just tell people to be "proud villainfuckers" which is easy, straightforward, and usually has less contentious discourse around it.

But some of y'all find Izzy to be the most sympathetic character in the series, and while I have enough of the acquired (and healthy) suspicion as a black person who has spent decades in fandom spaces to not want to touch that tendency with a 10 foot pole, those same decades of fandom experience make me understand that there will always be people who glom onto antagonists and secondary characters like that. Even when if I wonder about the motivations behind such an inclination, I understand that y'all are usually part of the ecosystem too.

But the thing is: if you're motivated to write Izzy as outwardly nice or kind or as some kind of hero vs the antagonist he canonically is, or gravitate toward reading those kinds of portrayals, why argue with people about what is or isn't in character? If something in you is drawn toward that kind of Izzy and wants to sympathize with him, why not just own it? There's no easy "villainfucker" way of making peace with this though because it's much more likely to make you want to think about individual morality.

No one who is partial to Izzy wants to be called racist or femme-phobic etc, and I'm not here (on this post at least) to litigate whether or not those accusations would be fair or not (although my opinions are probably obvious). But isn't it exhausting to have to put canon through so many refractions so you can insist that what you like seeing and/or writing is canonical? I understand that being able to point to canon can make it feel easier to stand by your preferences, but is all the bending over backwards to make it fit worth it? What if you could just acknowledge if your goal is to persuade others to see him the same way you do, or see him getting cared for, or whatever else you get out of it? I wish more of y'all had the courage of your convictions and were willing to just say "I like seeing Izzy this way" or "I sympathize with Izzy" because you would probably be having more fun.

[incalculablepower]

some fics i've liked lately

it's been a weird year. when i made this list of recs back in january i fully intended it to become a monthly thing, but life happened and then i guess it just kept happening. in early 2023 things were ramping up in my new career, i was practicing and playing a lot with my band to prepare for our first show, i was settling into dealing with depression and anxiety with medication, i was getting over a miserable breakup. then i fell in love. i lost my job (the best and most favourite job i've ever had) abruptly this past may. this is my longest period of unemployment since i was a teenager and while you think it would be the best time to lose yourself in fandom, i felt the opposite. fandom was such a lifeline to me when i had a miserable job and was in a bad relationship and needed an escape but i was very present in my own life this summer. i took my partner to visit my family and spent a lot of time with friends and played shows (and recorded some music... shameless self promo once again) and in between i watched so much star trek on my couch. this is such a long preamble to explain why i haven't been fandoming as much lately and why idk if i'll write anything again anytime soon (let's say, once i have a job i want to procrastinate at) but -- i HAVE been reading fic! not as much as before, but i have been, and there's enough for a fic rest list so that's what i'm giving you today. when times are dire [podfic] - @aibidil

drarry. i have such a soft spot for middle aged draco and harry falling in love, the relationships they have with their friends and their grown children. @aibidil reads her own podfics and it's an utter delight. i usually only listen to podfics or audiobooks when i'm doing work around the house but i can going on walks with my headphones just so i could listen to more of this one.

purple haze by @ashesandhackles

romione. i was so so honoured to see this pop up in my ao3 gifts during @thethreebroomsticksfic pride fest this year. it turns the well tread romione ground of shell cottage and the yule ball over a bit, using them as settings to explore a confusing mix of jealousy and sexuality for ron and hermione. ashes knows i love mess with these and it captures that teenage chaos wonderfully, then lets them laugh at it as secure and settled adults.

crookshanks by @ala-baguette

gen. warning that this is a tearjerker, especially if you've ever loved and lost a pet. i think the pure and simple expressions of love and gratitude from crook's pov here would be a comfort to any pet owner.

at some point this year, i got REALLY into the idea of a one-sided dramione. it's hard to look for, especially since it's such a popular ship but i managed to find a few that scratched the itch until i find the time and/or motivation to write one of my own new years eve by 2daughtersofathena, the guardian angel by mylifebelongstothebbc, and a boy of hans by elixirsoflife. the last one being my personal favourite, a grim take on the hanahaki disease trope.

every mother is a grave by witchofimber

this was recced by @whinlatter in @thethreebroomsticksfic discord (btw i feel like no one on my followers lists needs anyone to remind them to read beasts -- but please read beasts) and when i saw "gillian flynn treatment" in the tags i slammed the mark for later button. this is probably the most balanced and realistic portrayals of molly weasley and her role as a mother that i've ever read in hp fic. it's not weasley family fluff but it doesn't devolve into something so flat as bashing either. molly is regular mother with flaws and strengths like anyone else and how they amplify and shift with love and grief and pain and stress and duty and pressure. every single relationship she has with her children is uniquely expressed and the way it ties the past to the direct aftermath of the war is so well done and a great way to organize this giant, messy family. particular care here went into fred and george, giving them their own identities in a way that can be difficult, given the source material. a favourite line:

“Probably have tried to make us name the twins after them.” He stopped laughing, sucked in a breath. “Do you want to?”  For a second she considered it. It would be wonderful, getting to use those names again like living things. But -  “No,” she said. “I - if they were alive, I’d have said no, so I’m saying it now. Let the boys be their own people.”  The truth was that she didn’t want to lose her brothers. To have their faces erased in her memory, painted over with her sons. To have to say no, not THAT Fab, I mean UNCLE Fab - he died before you were born. Anyway, she liked the names Fred and George. It was easier like this. 

the scrunchie by @saintsenara

another fic i've meant to read for ages and finally got around to just yesterday. the background drama of these side characters as a cheap scrunchie from boots floats around them is so perfectly teenage. reminds me of the other series i loved as a teenager around the time HP was coming out: georgia nicolson and gossip girl. i could also compare it to derry girls a little, how despite the environment surrounding them these girls are still being girls, arguing about stupid things and getting crushes on boys and having the absolute most ridiculous blowout fights with your sister (parvati and padma's portrayal here is probably my favourite i've ever read!)

i also can't leave without reccing @saintsenara's wip, one year in every ten. i can't get enough of a good case fic. tomarry/harrymort (both versions of this ship, oddly, apply to this fic) is not something i've ever sought out but i really think the way it's handled here could win over any non-believer. it's sharp and funny in a way that makes it turns into poignancy hit even harder. i screenshotted two full phone screen pages of chapter 27 so i could go back and read them over and over. it might be one of the best things i've ever read from ron's POV (emphasis mine):

It had been a long ten years, with a chair at their table always left empty and a hole in their hearts always unfilled. Grief was exhausting and boring and dully painful, like a slightly sprained ankle which you can still walk on, but which always bothers you a little bit.  But there had been love among the grief. There had been love before the grief - indeed love had caused the grief - and there had been love after. His love for his parents and his siblings had changed, the way wine left in a barrel changes and becomes richer and deeper. There was more sorrow in the love, as he threw a quaffle around with George and saw the tired lines at the corner of his eyes. There was more recrimination, more struggle with the mistakes they had all made in the past, as he finally sat down and had a real chat with mum and dad about how a lifetime of corned-beef sandwiches and maroon jumpers had made him feel. But there was more joy there too. And with joy came forgiveness and understanding and hope and fun.

image used is wildflowers (1915) by tom thomson

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #127

It's late where I live - almost midnight, and I'm very tired. J and I are on another road trip to PA. This time, he and I are going to fly the plane he got back home. After his shift at work, we drove for 4 hours to a place called Buffalo. We will drive the rest of the way to a place called Zelienople in the morning. Then we will fly back; J will be piloting the plane, of course. J is not yet used to flying this plane, but it's very similar to the one that he already knows well; he knows what he's doing, and I trust, without question or hesitation, that he will keep us safe. I'll be back in my house by this time tomorrow with LOTS of pictures to show you, so don't you worry about a thing, okay?

Br came over and I introduced her to the chocolate-cheddar cheese I got when we went to see the eclipse (it tastes like fudge; it's SO GOOD!), and that was pretty great! But I'm still pretty tired because I spent most of the day before the trip being emotional support for various folks. Some of the interactions challenged my boundary skills, but this is a good thing; we don't grow without some level of discomfort, and our boundary skills never improve if we don't get practice. I'm much better at it now than I used to be, and I'm looking forward to seeing where I'll be with this skill in another few years.

Since writing the letter to my inner child, I've had a lot more faith in my own ability to grow, change, and improve. It's kind of refreshing, actually. Self-loathing is kind of heavy, isn't it? I know I'll probably have days when I'll get a setback, but I've already grown enough in other ways to be very familiar with that phenomenon. One of the most important things one must remember when having a setback is that having a setback, in and of itself, means that there has been progress, and progress can be reproduced over and over and over again until it sticks. Human brains are learning machines, after all. I hope you'll put all the effort you can into learning how to genuinely love and care for yourself; it's one of the most important things you can do.

Oh! I made myself a strawberry rooibos tea today, too! Normally I like to drink black tea or green tea, but today I wanted to limit my caffeine consumption somewhat; caffeine dehydrates a body, and I've been struggling to keep hydrated lately for some reason; figured the thing to do, at least for today, is to try not to make my body use water to cleanse the caffeine from my system. Here's how today's turned out...

This one starts out orange-ish, and then resolves into a lovely shade of red:

I added some creamed honey; it settles to the bottom quite nicely:

And from there, I added heavy cream:

...I think you might like this flavor. It's like strawberries and cream; it's sweet and tart and very milky in flavor. Sometimes I think about combining this one with the vanilla-rose black tea (which is another one I think you'd absolutely love). I'll do that soon and tell you all about it, okay?

I don't have much else to say today; I'm pretty drained. But I do have a lot of pictures I took for you while we drove, simply because I know you like nature. I'll show you the ones that turned out best. It'll be mostly pictures of the sky, though; we didn't get moving until like 6pm-ish, so the lighting wasn't great for general scenery...

...Hey Sephiroth? Next time you're up in the sky, I hope you'll make it a point to dance merrily amongst the sun-drenched clouds - especially during dawn or during sunset, when they're painted in all sorts of vibrant colors; their kaleidoscopic brilliance would look amazing reflected off of you, I'm sure. And maybe you'd have fun, too.

That's all I've got for you today. Thanks for tagging along with me on this brief adventure. Please remember that there are folks here who like to imagine that the prismatic colors splashed upon the clouds by the morning and evening sun are the same as the ones that radiate from the deepest parts of your soul.

I love you. I'll write again soon. Please stay safe out there.

Your friend, Lumine

[windwardstar]

It won't be too late to transition.

Today marks my one year of being on t and with the current political climate, I'll celebrate somewhere, but that's not really where my mind is at right now. So instead I'm writing this. Don't give up hope. It won't be too late for you to transition.

You can do any of it at any age. And until recently it was usually done as an adult once you were financially independent and could afford to transition and restart your life compeltely over. You don't have to be a child or a teenager to start and see results and eventually find a body you're happy in. Until recently, transitioning that young wasn't even seen as possible for most people. There is no time limit. No countdown to when it won't help.

I know how much it hurts to have to wait. And with all of the attacks on trans right and trans existence and bans on our healthcare, it's making access to hrt and surgeries and other gender affirming care and changing names and genders on documents so much harder or impossible to get. But. I promise you, there's always still time even if you have to wait.

One day exists. One day will come. And when you get there, hormones and surgeries and changing your name and clothes and hair will still be possible just because you're not 15, 18, 25, 30...

I know how much it hurts to wait. How painful it is to have to exist in a body that is wrong and be called a name that isn't yours and have others constantly misgender you. And there is so much to grieve over the years where you want to get to be your true self but can't. And please, grieve those years. But don't give up hope and grieve your future ones prematurely.

I was 21 by the time I had vocabulary to name my experiences properly. I spent my childhood and teen years existing in unnamed discomfort because trans people weren't even a concept in the popular conciousness, much less being nonbinary. And I spent my twenties slowly trying to carve out places for myself to exist while living with family who I had to remain closeted around for my safety and unable to access care because of cost.

I'm turning 30 this summer. I moved into my own place and it took me two years to get my name and gender changed on my birth certificate and ID. I'm finally getting top surgery this summer. My first attempt at getting on t lasted three months before the pandemic hit and I lost access. I moved again to a safer place and eventually got back on hormones. My one year anniversary for being on t is today. I've seen so many changes and things are still changing and for the first time it really does feel like I have my entire life ahead of me. My life wasn't over because I couldn't transition earlier.

But also, hormones and surgery and legally changing your name and gender marker aren't the only ways to transition. They're just the ones that are the hardest to acess. Whether it's finances or safety or governments making it illegal, there are still other ways you can carve out a space for yourself to exist.

You can find a name for yourself. And whether it's something other people use, a select few, or just yourself in your head, that is still your name. (You can also try and find nicknames that are less painful to hear. Make an email address and sign up for mailing lists with your name so even if it's just automated advertisements your name is still spoken. Use the name with store rewards tied to your phone number and say it belongs to a relative if anyone asks. Online isn't real life, but you can use whatever name and pronouns you want when nobody really knows who you are.)

You can change your hair and clothes and the products you use. It might not be to the extent you want to, but pieces here or there can help. (Socks and underwear that nobody sees. Soaps and shampoo and deodorants that you can say work better or irritate your skin less if asked why you use it (usually the only difference in formula is which fragrance is added). Wearing hand-me-downs of your chosen type with the claim of saving money. Cut your own hair short and say you messed up but it will grow out or let it grow and say you're planning on donating it. Brushing or styling it differently.) Anything you have a plausibly non-trans reason for can be a small less risky way to affirm your gender.

And it's ok if you can't do any of those safely. You're not any less trans because you have to be in the closest or you're not ready to come out of it regardless of the reason.

It may suck to wait for the bigger things. The ones that will make the most difference. But it doesn't matter what age you finally get to them, they'll still help. Your life isn't over and your chances of being able to transition in a way that is happy and fulfilling don't go away because you can't do it yet. There's no age limit.

It won't be too late to transition.

(Keep your negativity off this post. If you need to vent, make your own. If this post doesn't vibe with you, just ignore it. Leave it a space for people who need the message.)

[stormcrow513]

Hagging Out October 2022 Hallowtide

Me and Mittens and Me and Circe in my best Witchy outfit Circe is also wearing a witch hat,

So October has been pretty fucking busy and hectic this year, and it just felt different too,

While I know Samhain doesn't have a specific date as it changes seasonally, typically for me I start feeling the season around mid to late August picking up steam throughout September and October peaking on Halloween and slowly rolling into yuletide in early November,

This year however I felt that first brush on August first, and I didn't feel that peak on Halloween, still writing this November 2nd haven't felt that usual peak,

I'm not sure why, maybe it's that while it started getting the fall chill early this year the plants haven't gone to bed, the leaves in my yard haven't dropped fully, barely at all really, there's still so much green left on everything, this is not normal here, so maybe it's climate change, changing Hallowtide as well,

Could be the loss, I spent months with Shy battling her cancer as it slowly ripped her away from me in pieces, to culminate in lossing her September 8th, it's exhausting loss, I'll like spend the rest of the year with metaphorical lead weights dragging my ass down,

Could be that I'm just changing getting older, I'm 30 and nothing in me is as it was, I got my first grey hairs at 23 my knees have always been shitty and my back started joining em, and worse of all my ribs on my left hurt a lot of the time, but with all that has come more experience as a Witch I'm sensing things better and better, after all this time doing magic pursuing this road, I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere,

I wanted to jam as much as I could into this month since for whatever reason October tends to be my most productive month, so I started this month out with @windvexer Red Pepper Spellbreaker which started me out on a good place, though I still felt a little blocked after so right before Hekate's Deiphon I did it again then did a Gate Opening with Hekate after I put Her offerings out on Her night,

I also started out the month by restarting my book Psychic Witch, I'd gotten fairly far into the book and then got stuck on an exercise and sorta fell off working it so I thought I'd start on Exercise one and do one each day for all 31 days, and then to keep going til I got to where is gotten stuck which was on Exercise 37, as a way to kinda reset myself, so I can finish this book, I succeeded and as I want through these Exercises I found myself getting more out of them then my pervious attempt, I found some easier and others found myself in deeper then I'd ever gotten, I'm proud of what I've accomplished with it this month

I also started on the Monday after the full moon on Sunday doing LTZS Witchual Workout, I wanted a way to exercise, to connect with my body and to connect with various energies some which I've never worked with before, I've done some of these in the past at random and found them helpful, so I synced up with them as best I could, I'm of today 24 days into it, I've made it even more of a ritual by giving an offering of water and flame to each energy invoked, as well as finishing with some yoga stretches to avoid cramping up, and meditation,

As to my ancestors I have managed for hmm maybe a year now to do daily offering of water to them, though I been cleaning their altar and adding something extra on Halloween, this year it didn't feel right, maybe cause I was tired maybe cause I'd had a distressing dream of my passed sister that reminded of the angry I still hold for her, which made me want to avoid her picture on the altar, either way I didn't manage to do it on Halloween I just renewed the water glass, though I intend to clean and set out more in the next couple days,

I did get my now yearly Pumpkin cheesecake made with my home grown pumpkins, I had my biggest haul ever with them this year! Though a couple didn't finish ripening and the vines died before they could finish and one big one went rotten before I could cut them up for some reason,

I still have a few to chop and boil as I couldn't fit em all in the pan that was clean so oops,

Anyway I think that covers it mostly, I didn't get much done on Halloween itself and I still have an Ritual to Persephone and Hades to perform along with my formal Ancestor work but I want to get this out while I've got the spoons, so

Love to you all, I hope you all had great Halloweens ect, and that all our next cycles be what we need and hopefully kind

Thanks and love especially to @pagan-stitches for being our lovely host this month 🌹

[imnotactuallyalrightthanks]

Life and Death

It's something a lot of people take for granted

And there's a lot of things I don't understand people do

Like why people care so much about clout

Or going to a good college

Becoming doctors

Or using their lives to save others

It seems so odd people couldn't be selfish about what their lives are meant for

Or why people would, much less should, spend their lives funding humanity for the greater good

It just seems like a waste of time to me. There's so many things I feel like life should be spent doing, yet these are the people we need most just to live our lives functional or worthwhile, something else meaningful here

Yet people devote decades to such noble causes, years of schooling, over a decade, learning and growing and taking it all in day after day after day, factory's, mines, plowing fields and sulking in cubicles, it sounds so draining to me, and they're happy on their deathbed. Congratulated even, for living such a life.

It confuses me,

And I don't understand.

And that's the beauty of it. Not even in just terms of using your life to fund humanity. In general, people spend their lives doing what they want, even as something that bores the living daylights out if me, like writing documentaries or going to med school. It makes lives for people, even if it doesn't matter.

In the totality of the universe, as we reproduce and die every single day, everything we do doesn't matter. These people won't make a difference, you and I won't be here and Gordon Ramsey wouldn't be a household name, if such implications existed a million billion years from now, but nothing matters. You and I WILL die, that is a guaranteed fact, we will NOT be remembered, and everything we do is for absolutely NOTHING in the endgame, one would assume existence is meaningless.

Yet in our tiny blip in the chaotic endlessness we find ourselves in, we are here, and we do matter, just for a little bit. This is a reminder to me that, despite everything, life does matter for a little while.

I don't understand a lot of things, but we need happy people doing what makes them happy. Life is so precious because we will die. The sheer lack of permanence we have by the simple fact that anything and everything will kill you if you're not careful enough, is just a fine example of how we can survive through anything, simply because we are here, now, in this moment. I am comfortable with the fact that I probably won't live past thirty, and I'm glad I met the people I had, living or dead, and I am fortunate enough to be comfortable sitting outside my home this late-early morning (it's 4.00am). Despite all the shit I've dealt with in my life, and the fact that I simply did not die, I am glad I'm here today.

The fact that you, as well, can read this is a sheer miracle of thousands of people coming together, and that's worth celebration.

I hope your day is lovely. It just started lightly raining outside. It's about 5 in the morning, seems like a pretty good start to the day.

[fenimores-book-nook]

My Thoughts ~ 10/23/23

Gooooooood evening, well, evening for me. It is 6:55 PM where I'm at. The other day I wrote up a draft that ended up being Halloween costume themed but I decided not to post it. I don't know why you need to know that information but I feel like it's valid. This post however, is just a little writing thang that I feel like working on right now. :) Who knows what I'll write about in this one, but let's find out.

Now that I have my cozy Christmas jazz on, we're ready to get going. Yes, I said Christmas jazz. I've been feeling very much in a Christmas mood lately. Which is interesting because last year I wasn't, not even really on Christmas Day. But I'm happy about the early Christmas feels this year because I normally love, love, LOVE Christmas. I don't think I've ever not loved Christmas. I think I maybe didn't feel the feelings I thought I would feel and it made me sad. Which is just a part of growing up and getting older, I've found. My feelings and ideas about the holidays are different now than what they were when I was a kid. And that is okay. It just takes some adjusting. ;)

And now, enjoy three holiday photos from last Christmas and a Christmas that was from when I was in eighth grade.

One of my favorite things to do is put on a fireplace with Christmas music playing while decorating our tree. :)

I always love the book-coffee shop I work at during Christmastime. It's always one of the most jolly places to be.

I wanted to include an older photo and when I came across this one, it made my heart happy. :) Here's one of my best friends and I with my pet rabbit I used to have. (his name was Phil)

I think now it's time to move away from the early holiday cheer, don't worry, there'll be more. ;)

Today, I spent the day with my sister, who lives about 45 minutes away from me. I had spent the night at her and her husband's place last night when we watched the TV show, Friends, one of our all-time favorite shows. I honestly do not know how many times I've seen it. I've watched it. A lot. It's one of my favorite comfort shows! After a couple episodes, we watched 10 Things I Hate About You, which I hadn't watched all the way through until last night. I loooove it. It'll probably be one of my comfort movies when I'm in the mood to watch a good chick-flick. After that, we watched A Christmas Kiss. Also one of our favorites, although, in my opinion, the second Christmas Kiss is better. (that one, we watched a bit of today) And finally, the last film of the night waaaaaaaas, drum-roll PLEASE!!...Red, White, and Royal Blue. Which I had read before, FELL IN LOVE WITH IT, and watched it when it came out on Amazon Prime. And now, my sister loves it too. ;) It's SUCH a good rom-com. Yes, I do think the book was better BUT, they still did a fantastic job at the movie. I had forgotten how much I love it.

That was last night, where we also made some Christmas themed bracelets. (yes, my sister is a Christmas fanatic just like me, maybe even more of one)

A Christmas Kiss on in the back. ;)

Today, both my sister and brother in-law had work so I hung out at their apartment, went to a cozy coffee shop, shopped at Spirit Halloween and Dollar Tree a little bit, and then returned to their apartment. A bit later, I left again to go to my sister's work, she's a 3rd grade teacher, so I hung out with her and the kids for a bit. Normally, I am not a kid person. But 3rd graders aren't too bad. Now, I'm not saying I want to be a teacher (nononononono) but maybe I don't dislike being around kids as much as I thought. ;)

Tonight, I'm spending the night in, writing this. I did have a community choir practice going on, but bestie..when I tell you I didn't feel up for it, I didn't feel up for it. Once I came home from my sister's, I took a much needed hour long nap (went to bed at 2 AM) and woke up extremely groggy and didn't snap more awake until, maybe two or three paragraphs into writing this. What better way to spend a night than to stay in, put on soothing jazz music, and write? That sounds pretty wonderfully magical to me.

My cozy night in. ;)

And that was my many thoughts and events of my day today!

Until the next one,

Thalia <3

[taigaoftundrablog]

I'm afraid this isn't a weekly blog anymore, but here's something to make up for it

Experiment on phone usage starring myself

The main goal here is to:

1. Reduce my phone usage

2. See how your phone affects your life

Day 1

it's a tuesday. i have decided to go a decent portion of my day without my phone. i did not touch my phone during school, but after it, usage was pretty much average. i have not touched discord for the entire day, and i don't seem to be getting any notifications from there. hopefully i can lessen usage tomorrow, as i did use my phone quite a lot, still.

i did notice how not using my phone affected me though. for example, i was out of things to do for most of the breaks, since everyone else is stuck looking at their phones constantly. i'm marking this as a decent start.

Day 1 usage: 3h 30min

Most used app: Google (i look through the news feed a lot, it's a bad habit, but I will hopefully be looking at it a lot less by the end of this study/experiment.)

Time I went to bed: 21.30

Day 2: Plans

it's not wednesday yet, but my plans are:

- try get phone usage down to 3 hours

- start working on something, which i might find productive

- don't check discord, as not doing so will show myself that i'm actually determined about this

hopefully i fill my expectations of myself tomorrow.

Day 2

now it's wednesday, just got out of school. it's 14.26 right now and i have around 45 minutes of phone usage right now after allowing myself to use my phone normally school. 45min is about average for me and most of that time is used on school related stuff (checking schedule, etc.). i got out of school a few hours later yesterday so we'll see how today goes at home. have not touched discord, don't know how people there are doing, as the app quite literally is not giving me any notifications right now.

22.08. i am about to go to bed. i've spent most of my day playing on switch, which i feel like is more productive than being on my phone all day. first discord notifications popped up, apparently people are hoping i'm alright. it's nice to know that people care about how i'm doing but i have still yet to open discord. honestly opening it up seems worse than not doing so, so i may delay that to tomorrow evening, where i'll have something to talk about (nintendo direct).

Phone usage: 2h 18m (I really overdid myself there.)

Most used app: Chrome (I looked at random stuff online, Nintendo and school related)

Time I went to bed: 22.16

Day 3: Plans

plans for day 3 are: keep phone usage around the same, try not to go above 3 hours if plausible (opening discord for the first time in 4 days may change that to be over 3h though), and to stay focused on schoolwork. i'm honestly seeing some improvement, although not too much.

Day 3

literally just woke up. it's 6.09. i'm pretty intrigued to see how this day goes as i'll most likely be opening discord for the first time in a while.

welp, can say that people were worried about me. i do feel like i should've notified them about that before as uh they thought i pretty much died. whoops.

it's pretty late, and from what i've noticed, discord is the main reason i go to bed late and use my phone so much. not much else to note for today.

Phone usage: 3h 38min

Most used app: Geometry Dash (The game's just fun, alright?)

Time I went to sleep: 21.59

Stuff about day 4 & 5

have to preface these days a bit, as i did not initially write anything for these days, so i'm writing them on monday. main reason: i was too busy spending time doing other things + i did not feel like it. i'm currently thinking why i just stopped for two days, but i believe it's due to a lack of motivation/willingness, which i've seen a lot in myself. could honestly be due to improper phone usage, which was the main thing i need to work on here.

i've got to fix this somehow.

Day 4

pretty much spent all day at home playing on switch and whatever.

Phone usage: 3h 6min

Most used app: Discord (i KNEW this was gonna happen)

Time I went to sleep: presumably around 23.00

Day 5

same thing as yesterday, but we went to the store etc.

got new shoes, it'll take some time to get used to these but they're nice so far.

Phone usage: 2h 46min

Most used app: Discord (I'm genuinely addicted to human interaction, could be worse though of course (ahem TikTok, thank god I don't use that app))

Time I went to sleep: around 22.00

Day 6

start of a brand new week, it's monday now, i am currently at school, maybe i'll try reading this dang book in the evening as i got an assignment to read it, have to be done on thursday and this has like 250 pages. i will promise to you that i'll have less than an hour tomorrow, if i fail, i will draw something daily for a month AND it won't be myself constantly.

it's 22.02. sitting in bed, have done absolutely nothing productive today. have not touched that book which i have to read in like 3 days. guys i am so mentally stable and motivated

anyway yeah tomorrow is the sub-hour phone usage day which only means that i should probably be sleeping soon. i'ma actually get started on that book

Phone usage: 5h 31min (Mostly due to me also drawing for a decent while, 1h 21min to be exact.)

Most used app: Discord (Who would've thought?)

Time I went to sleep: around 23.00

Day 7

last day, i have like 15 minutes to write this

i have officially passed the test of less than an hour of phone usage and i am pretty proud of that. i've read the book i was meant to read a decent lot, at page 75 or something now. very cool.

not using my phone much does feel very odd honestly, but it feels kinda freeing in a way too, since i'm not stuck to this screen for 4 hours a day. i will do the final thoughts section tomorrow.

Phone usage: 48min

Most used app: Notes (Diary thing about this book which I have to write)

Time I went to sleep: 21.55, goodnight everyone

Closing thoughts (very cool)

i am finally free

phone usage has dipped a decent bit i would say, as it previously was up to 5 hours some days, now it seems to be at around 3 hours a day. there are of course exceptions, though, but i accept them

well, i shouldn't say free but still

pretty interesting how that week went. i believe my main lesson here is that you pretty much can't get rid of your phone in your life no matter how much you want to, since actually important things are sort of mixed up with less important ones.

i believe i have succeeded at this odd test somewhat

feels like i've been focusing more properly on the things i actually need to focus on, which is good for a change.

will see you all at some point, i'll try next week maybe!

[messedupfan]

When I Look At You | Chapter 1

Summary: Y/n Y/l/n is on a journey of rediscovering what makes life so great. It all starts when a certain woman and her sister move in across the street.

No specific gender for reader

A/N: Well, I kind of just started typing one day and this came out of it. I hope y'all enjoy! Also this is my 200th post!

Masterlist | All Stories Taglist | All Chapters

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You wake up earlier than usual because you were trying to get into a new and healthier routine. Late nights and sleeping during the day simply wasn't going to cut it anymore. However, deciding to start this new routine with a morning jog with only an hour of sleep probably wasn't the best start. At least it was a start, is what you tell yourself as you tighten the laces on your worn out sneakers. 

You plug your earbuds into your cell phone and pick the playlist you spent most of the night organizing to motivate you to exercise. The playlist was much longer than you intended to jog for, but it did help to wake you up. You opened the front door and instead of being greeted by the glaring sun you're used to, it's a dark neighborhood. A few of the residents have their front lights on but it didn't provide much light. As you think about turning around and crashing on the couch, celebrating the effort of simply opening the door, you shake your head to clear it. You wanted to go on the run more than you wanted to sleep on your couch. 

You grab your keys and lock the door behind you before you walk down to the sidewalk and start your jog. That's all it was, a simple jog. No more, and you allowed yourself moments of less. When you return home, breathless and sweaty, the sun is rising. You sit on your front steps to catch your breath and admire the various colors the sun painted the sky with before you headed inside to shower. 

The first thing you do once you get out is order an arm phone holder online. You thought you would be fine just holding it in your hand but you hated it the entire jog. You connected your phone to one of your portable speakers to listen to an audiobook while you made yourself breakfast. It wasn't anything special, scrambled eggs with ketchup and a glass of orange juice, but you remind yourself that it's just a start. 

You check the time on your watch and quickly move to your computer. You join the online meeting with your writing team and they are all surprised to see you clean and alert. “I’m trying something new,” you say sheepishly. They congratulate you and you settle them down to get the meeting started. The deadline for your next book was closing in and you hardly had anything together. Your editor was trying to be patient with you but your agent had a different and much harsher approach to get you focused. “I know, I know,” you sigh into your hands as you stretch the skin on your face down. “It’s just hard to write a continuation of this sappy love story when I'm not the same person that wrote this crap. I was young and in love back when I started this series. I didn't think my life would be where it is today. I just… I can't keep writing this sappy fantasy anymore,” you explain.

“Well the publishing company purchased three more of these written by you and there’s a contract. There's no way out of it, Y/n!” Your manager scolds. “They made sure of it. I had your lawyer look over it plenty of times. You’re writing again and that’s final.”

“Here's an idea,” your assistant chimes in. “You write based on how you're feeling, right? So why not continue to put the characters through what you're feeling now?”

“That's actually not a bad idea,” Mike, the editor, agrees. 

You shake your head, “I don't know guys, I've always been able to keep my characters happy. I can't just jump from a happy ending to a sad beginning. That won't make any sense to my readers.”

“Why not? Isn't that what happened to you?” Natalie, your assistant, presses. “There can’t be an argument of whether or not it’s realistic because things can go wrong fast and they did.” You tell her to watch it but she doesn't let it go. “You've always said that there's a real element to your stories. There's a truth. There's you in it. Well, your life basically blew up out of the blue. Why can't the characters?”

“Because it's not fair to them,” you say with a frown as you pick at the dirt under your fingernails. “Besides, that would be a completely different concept from the one I pitched,” you mutter to your nails. 

Mike asks that you look at him and doesn't stop calling your name until you do. “If you don't want to blow up their lives then you could always write from the way you wish your life was. Give them the life you want.”

“I've tried that! And every time I start writing about… her, what she could've been doing, I just… I can't.” Your eyes begin to water as you feel yourself choke up. You apologize as you sit up straighter in your seat and clear your throat. 

Jan, your agent, sighs impatiently. “Those are your options, get to work or get sued. This meeting is over,” before anyone can say anything, she ends the call. You sigh as you slouch against your office chair. She was right. You needed to get to work. Or deal with the heavy consequences of quitting. 

You open up a new document to give it another shot. Nothing came to mind. It was hard to focus. You just had to organize what you were feeling in order to write off of that. But there were so many emotions that it felt as though there weren’t any at all. You got in a disorganized paragraph of nothing before you cleared the page again. A notification of an email from your best friend, Stevie, pops up in the corner of your screen and you open it. It mentions having found a grief group that they offer to take you to. Attached to the message is a link to the social media page. You breathe in through your nose and sigh out of your mouth reading through the page. 

You promised her that you would live a better life and this seemed like something that would help you get there. You respond to the email, agreeing to attend the meeting with them. You switch back to the empty document and start typing a random string of words. None of them connect into a sentence and they weren't supposed to. It was only to clear the clutter in your mind. 

A few hours later you startle awake from disruptive sounds coming from outside. You wipe your face, feeling the imprint of the keys from the keyboard on your cheek and see a screen of continued letters. You scoff to yourself as you delete the document entirely and open a new one. A few minutes later, you're reminded of the noises that had woken you up in the first place. You rise from the cushiony desk chair and walk over to the front window. Peaking through the blinds you see a moving truck across the street and spot a few women coming in and out of it with only a few boxes at a time. It was going to take them hours at that rate. 

Sitting in the corner of your unkempt living room was a metal dolly that held a few unpacked boxes on it. You figure that it couldn't hurt to be neighborly. So you quickly remove the boxes and roll the cart out of your home. “Um excuse me!” You call out to them from your front porch. It's no surprise they can't hear you from so far away and you silently scold yourself for being so timid. To help you regain some resemblance of confidence in yourself, you wiggle your shoulders to loosen yourself up a bit. 

You roll the dolly across the street and greet the only one outside with a kind smile. “Hi, I'm Y/n, I live across the street and couldn't help but notice you guys didn't have one of these. This thing was a lifesaver during my move.” You offer it to her and she appears to be genuinely pleased by the kindness. 

“Why thank you so much! Are you also offering your help? Because we could really use the extra hands. I had no idea how much crap my daughters owned until I sold our house.” The woman kindly asks with a joke that makes you smile. You are a little reluctant to agree to help but decide that it couldn't hurt to. It's just more steps in the correct direction, you say to motivate yourself. 

“Ugh mom! Please don't tell me you invited someone to come clean the energy of the house! Jules and I already told you the house is fine!” A woman, around your age or younger, grouches to the woman you were speaking with. The older woman rolls her eyes at her daughter's tone as she tells you to ignore her. “Thank you for driving out here but really, we don't need your services.” 

“Actually, sweetheart, this is your new friendly neighbor from across the street. They came over here to offer their assistance. Isn't that nice?” 

“Oh,” the younger woman says, regretting her entrance. “I am so sorry, my mother has a lot of weird friends that do a lot of weird things.” She extends her hand out with an obviously forced polite smile. “I'm Leigh, it's nice to meet you…” she offers you a chance to introduce yourself and you nervously do so. 

“My goodness!” Leigh's mother exclaims. “I apologize for being so rude! I must've lost my manners. I’m Amy Shaw, it's been a pleasure making your acquaintance.” You move your hand from Leigh's to Amy's and give it a quick shake. 

“It's really no problem. And it's nice to meet you both,” you get the dolly ready to move, “Shall we?” 

“Right!” Leigh turns around and climbs onto the truck. You roll the dolly up the ramp and help them unload the moving truck one load at a time. Along the way, you meet the third person, Jules. She introduced herself as you passed her. You learned that it was Leigh and Jules that were moving into this house together because neither could afford to live alone and their mom had, as she mentioned, already sold their childhood home. Amy agreed to help them find somewhere affordable for the both of them and cover the cost of moving. The place wasn’t much but it was a place to live. 

When all of the boxes and the furniture is moved in, the group of them invite you to stay for pizza and you politely decline the offer. “I unfortunately have somewhere to be.” You check the time on your watch and your heart picks up with anxiety. “I actually need to get home and get cleaned up. But it was lovely meeting all of you.” 

“Thank you so much for all of your help, really,” Leigh says as she steps around a few boxes to get closer to you. “I'll um, I'll walk you out?” She offers and when you try to decline, she only becomes more insistent. You clamp your mouth shut and gesture for her to lead the way. “Are you sure there isn't anything we could do to pay you for your help?” she asks once the two of you are out of earshot of everyone else. 

“Of course not, I offered to help. I wasn't hired,” you shrug.

“That is a very good point,” she says with a smile. “Well, thank you again for your help. If you ever need any help, well, you know where I live,” her light joke actually makes you laugh a little. Something that was hard to come by unless it was forced. “I do have a question for you though,” you hold your breath and feel your body grow tense as you wait. “Why do you look so familiar?” Her eyes are squinted ever so slightly and she crosses her arms over her chest as the two of you reach the end of her driveway. 

You nervously scratch behind your ear as you decide whether or not you want to lie to this person. She was going to find out regardless if you wanted her to or not. “Uh I'm not sure, I've had a few books published. There's a photo of me in the back of them. Other than that… I'm not really sure. But I'm certain we haven't met before today.” As she hears what you're saying it clicks in her mind where she has seen you before. You see the moment she connects the dots as soon as her face transitions from polite to sympathetic. Every bone in your body starts screaming at you to run.

“I lost my husband almost two years ago.  It's not the same as losing a child but… it was rough.” She rushes out. “And his might've been a suicide. I’ll never know for sure whether or not it was an accident.” Leigh seems to get lost in her head a bit and you shift uncomfortably. 

“I’m very sorry to hear that. May I ask why you are telling me this,” you say slowly. 

She looks at you with a small frown. “I guess, I'm trying to say sorry for your loss without saying those words exactly. I know that I hated hearing those words after Matt passed away but I have yet to figure out what should be said instead.”

“It definitely needs a little more work,” you say lightly and she smiles. “Thank you, I suppose. Uh…” you look at your watch and see that it's getting closer to the time that your friend is coming to pick you up and you're not certain you want them to anymore. “This might be too personal of a question but… Did you ever attend a support group after your husband passed?” 

“Ah, is that what you're anxious about?” You give her a confused expression and she apologizes. “Your face kind of drops every time you look at your watch,” she points out and you feel your cheeks heat up from the inability to hide your emotions. “I went to them for a while. I still go sometimes… It's… well, it's kind of something to just do. I didn't always like going in the beginning but I would still make time for it. I found it helpful sometimes. It was nice to kind of process in a room full of strangers that kind of get it, you know?” 

“So you think it's worth it?”

“I think it couldn't hurt to try but I don't really know you well enough to help you make that decision.”

Your lips raise in a small amused smile. “Smart,” you remark. Leigh nods in acknowledgement. “I think I’m going to give it a shot,” you say and give a small awkward wave goodbye. You cross the street to your house and take another shower with your music playing through a small portable speaker. Once you’re dressed, you lock your front door and sit on the porch steps as you wait for your ride. You weren’t going to allow yourself to talk yourself out of going. 

Anxiously, you check your watch and your phone as you wait for Stevie. You watch a pizza delivery car appear and disappear when you finally decide to call your friend. They apologize, and explain that traffic was worse than usual. You laugh and tell them that it was California, of course it was bad. Then you tell them that you’ll be waiting for them and hopefully the two of you weren’t too late to the meeting. When you hang up the phone, you look up to see someone approaching you with a plate in her hands. “I thought you might be hungry,” Leigh says as she gets closer. 

“Just couldn’t stay away from me, could you?” You tease her. She scoffs as she hands you the flimsy paper plate. “Thank you, I appreciate this.” You notice that she has a second plate and although it’s the last thing you want to do, you scoot over to make some room for her. “I could use the company,” you shyly remark as you take a bite of the pizza. 

“I suppose I can stay for a bit,” she says as though it was an inconvenience. Just as you’re about to come up with a clumsy response she sits down and nudges you with a short laugh as she tells you that she was only kidding. “I saw you all alone out here and couldn’t decide if you were waiting for someone or trying to convince yourself to leave.” 

“Ah, the curiosity must’ve been eating you alive.”

“That, and I have a bet with Jules. Five bucks if I’m right and ten if I can convince you to get in your car.” You laugh at their little game as you ask what her sister gets if she wins. “If she’s right she gets the five dollars, ten if it’s a date.” 

You scratch at your chin, still amused by their bet, and curious about how much Leigh has told her sister about you. “Interesting, so I’m assuming she doesn’t know about… me.” Leigh shakes her head and clears her throat as she explains that she felt it wasn’t her place. You thank her again. “I hate to make you lose five dollars, but I am indeed waiting for a friend. Not a date though. I needed someone to take me to this thing,” you elaborate for her. 

Leigh snaps her fingers and clicks her teeth. “Damn, and here I thought I was the expert on all things grief,” she jokes. 

“A little more research and I’m sure you’ll get there. Everyone is different, you know, and all you have to go on is your own experience.” You say more than you probably should have but Leigh doesn’t say anything against it. She goes quiet as she considers your words instead of telling you she was only making a joke. 

“So, okay, like I despised hearing the words ‘sorry for your loss’ but maybe someone like you might’ve appreciated them?” Leigh tries to further the conversation and you take notice. 

You hum as you think about it. “I don’t think I’m the type that despises or appreciates that phrase, but it’s not to say that someone out there does or doesn’t. I don’t care either way, to me they’re just words.”

“Uh-huh, and is that something you would want your readers to know?” 

You scoff, “What do my readers have to do with it?”

“Well, you would think a published author would care more about words than anyone else. I’m only a freelance no-name writer and even I am meticulous with the words and phrases I use in a piece.” Leigh explains and you instantly feel your blood run cool and your heart rate pick up. 

“Are you a reporter?” You ask carefully. 

Her eyes widen as she jumps into apologies. “Gosh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you like that. No, I used to write an advice column and now I just write product reviews or about my journey as a widow. I’ve never done a sneaky piece on a person. Except for one time in college but the guy was a total douche,” she quickly explains. You nod, clenching and unclenching your jaw rapidly as you decide whether or not you’re going to trust this kind stranger. 

You clear your throat and set the paper plate under your foot as you wipe your hands. “I suppose, words, as many other things in my life, have lost meaning to me. I don’t know whether or not I care that my readers know that. My team might but even they don’t matter as much to me as they used to. At this point in my life, if I wasn’t under contract, I wouldn’t give a fuck if I never wrote another book again.” 

Leigh nods slowly, she remembers not caring if the world kept spinning. But she could see how you were likely suffering more than her, you lost your family in one fell swoop whereas she only lost her husband. As Danny had rudely pointed out to her once, she could remarry. But you can’t get your child back. It had to be different for you and so much worse. In the grand scheme of things, Leigh reminded herself, a death was still a death. Your child will never grow to graduate or marry or have kids of their own. Matt graduated and married but there was still so much life he had yet to live. She had to shut her eyes to clear her head and stop the comparisons. They were no use to anybody. “Can I have your book deal then?” She slips in the joke. You look at her with a scoff and she has a slow growing smile that only makes you laugh even more. 

Stevie pulls up and hears your uncontrollable laughter when they roll down their window. They shut the car off and strut up the driveway to see what has gotten you to laugh that loud for the first time in forever. They notice the woman laughing next to you and smile. “Hello!” They greet with a big smile. Your laughter dies out, and so does Leigh’s. She is a little sad that the conversation with you has to end, but is also glad that you’ll get to experience a meeting. “Sorry I’m so late, traffic was dreadful,” Stevie introduces themself to Leigh with a sharp handshake. 

“I���m Leigh, Y/n’s new neighbor,” she greets. They ask how long she’s been in the neighborhood because they haven’t seen her around before. “Oh just today, actually, Y/n saved us while we were unloading the truck.” 

“Oh, Y/n has always worked fast like that,” Stevie teases. 

“Watch it,” you warn your friend as you pick up the empty plates. “They’re full of shit. Don’t believe a word they say,” you mutter to Leigh. “About time you got here, by the way,” you say to your friend before telling them that you’re going to toss the plates and then the two of you can go. 

  Stevie replaces you on the steps that Leigh has yet to move from. “So,” they drag out suggestively. “What are your intentions with my best friend?” 

Leigh lets out a short laugh. “Nothing, I’m only being neighborly.” 

Stevie squints their eyes skeptically, “You know about them, don’t you?” Leigh was surprised by your friend's sensitive intuition, but she didn’t know if it was a good thing or a bad thing. She doesn’t say a word before Stevie starts talking again. “Mourning author with a popular series and more money than any individual needs access to…” they tiptoe around accusing Leigh to test out her response. Unfortunately for your friend, you return having overheard the small exchange. 

“You know, Stevie, you’re the only gold digger around here for miles,” you defend.

They flip their hair and strike a pose, “You flatter me too much, darling. This is California!” They shout the last word to the quiet neighborhood. “We’re everywhere, doll!”

You look to Leigh with apologetic eyes for your eccentric friend, “Please do not let my poor choice in friendship be a reflection of me. Stevie isn’t usually this…” you wave your hand in Stevie’s direction as you fail to come up with a descriptive word. Giving up, you sigh. “Well, no, this is just Stevie.” 

Stevie dips their chin towards their chest to lower their sunglasses, “And don’t you forget it, darling! Now, we must be on our way!” Stevie stands from the steps and offers their hand to Leigh again. “Tootles, hun, it was fabulous to meet you!” They walk off to the car and Leigh can’t help but burst out into another big laugh. 

You stand there blushing, waiting for a moment to speak. “Yeah, uh, Stevie was the first friend I made when I moved to LA as a starving artist. They’re not a bad person, they can just be… a lot.” You explain. 

Leigh settles her laughter as she tells you that it’s fine. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. Stevie seems great. I didn’t enjoy the implications, but I get feeling protective over those you care about. If I had a friend like you, I’m sure I wouldn’t want anyone to talk to them during their most vulnerable time either.” 

You worry that it means this will be the last conversation that the two of you will have. Part of you hopes that is the case. The last thing you needed to do was move on so quickly. Or was that exactly what you needed? You clear your throat. “Right, well, I should go. Thank you for the pizza and the company.” You say politely before wishing her a goodnight and walking to the waiting car. 

“I like her,” Stevie says as they pull away. “But you’re not ready for her. Keep your distance.” You sigh as you connect your phone to Stevie’s car and play some music to help calm your anxiety.

Chapter 2

Taglist: @abimess @princessprudy @sayah13 @agaymilflover @awkwardmandalorian @bentleywolf29

[shadowturtlesstuff]

You belong with me

so i decided to post wadsworth first. modern au cressworth- you belong with me taylor swift

Thomas throws his phone down on the bed with frustration swirling around him as he paces. I set down my pen and wait till he turns and spots me. We often find ourselves talking via paper throughout the nights, from questions about our day to helping each other study. It is also often we watch each other be angry at something, yet I've not seen him this bad before. Finally Thomas turns and catches my eye. He stands there for a second before smiling and I quickly move around my various workbooks till I find my notebook I use to talk to him. I take my sharpie and write: ‘Are you okay?’

I watch him shake his head ever so slightly, seemingly baffled at it, but he walks to his window and opens it. The wind brushes his deep brown hair and I can't help but want to reach out and run my hand through it. I curse myself for it as he motions for me to open my window. Moving my books and pens off of me and cursing at my stiff leg as I go and open the window. Somehow I manage to hit my arm in the process and I curse, which makes Thomas laugh slightly so I forgive my body for hurting me. 

“You have a wicked mouth Wadsworth. Did you not learn cursing is unlady-like?” he teases and I relax slightly because of it.

“Fuck you,” I scowl at his smirk and the frigid wind. His eyes light up at my temper. We live across from one another, if we were to reach out we could hold hands. Which we have done. When I got rejected from the specific school I was desperate to go to, Thomas had managed to climb into my room and hold me as I cried. He's only ever needed to climb over twice to cheer me up, the other times have been to study or watch some romance programme he thought was good. I hoped wherever was troubling was something that wouldn't resort to me having to climb over. As much as I would want to, my brain may have a hard time letting me attempt it. 

“I assume dear Wadworth, you want to ask what has made me so irate?” he asks, eyes focused on behind me and fingers tapping his window sill as he sits. I watch as his cat, ridiculously named Sir Isaac Mewton, jumps off his bed and onto his seat next to him. He grabs the cat and kisses the top of his head before holding him in his lap.

“Perhaps,” I say, moving so I rest my head on the wall, “perhaps I merely wanted to ask if Sir Issac was okay.” his eyes shift to mine and despite him still being angry they soften at my attempt at humour. I am not as good as Thomas at using humour to help someone, but he always does it for me. 

“Really? You always refer to him as a little pest, whereas as with me, I am your dearest person, of course you want to know how I am feeling. My son is good though, very energetic today.” he smiles down at his cat. I remember the day he brought him home, he made me go over to his house and we spent all night playing with him. Thomas did, I ended up studying and making notes for the both of us while he gave Sir Isaac a ‘grand tour’ of his new home. The smile vanishes off Thomas's face and once again his gaze goes past me. “I assume you saw the call, well that was William. Yes, awful. Apparently though, there is a rumour that I'm with Miss Whitehall. I don't even remember her first name, but he was convinced of our relation despite my protests. Madness.” I watch him scoff, anger once again taking over his features. His cat nuzzles into him and Thomas leans into his cat. If I wasn't also mad now I'd smile at the sight. 

“Is this the same William that had convinced everyone I was dating him?” 

“Yes.”

“Bitch. Why on earth is he such a problem? Where on earth does he even make this assumptions about us?'' I find myself standing and pacing, trying to quell my own rising anger. A year ago, William had been my lab partner for a few weeks, he was friendly, but people had got it in their head that we were somehow together, and he went with it. Gossiped about me, even Thomas, and then was somehow enraged I dared to stop those rumours and be angry at him. I'd come home one day when it was particularly too much, when my father had found out and lectured me about it, as though I was in the wrong for standing up for myself. He'd cancel my lesson with my uncle out of spite, and I stormed upstairs. Thomas had been at the window, as if he was expecting me. One look at his face made me cry. I managed to open my window and he'd once again climbed in and held me as I cried. Then he made us watch this awful romance film together and held me still as I fell asleep on him. 

“I have never once,” Thomas says, dragging me back from those awful memories, “shown interest in her, nor will I ever.” He drags a hand through his hair. “She's just- a lot.”

I huff a sigh. She is awful. Had been awful to Liza and I for years. With her short skirts, high heels and the most rotten attitude I have ever witnessed. It wasn't often that I'd hate someone like that, someone so different from me in nearly every way, but she has tried to make me feel that I don't belong because of my interest in science and not the traditional girl interests.. “That is the understatement of the year Cresswell. Beside, you wouldn't work, she's too- your,” I have no idea how to explain how excellent Thomas is, how wonderful his mind is and how kind he is. It's not a side he shows to most, yet if he was ever with someone like Whitehall, it would be disastrous. I take my seat again and find him looking at me, suppressing a smirk and raising an eyebrow at me. “What?” I ask. I shrink under his gaze, pulling my hoodie over my legs as I curl in on myself. 

“I’m what? I'd be delighted to know your innermost thoughts of me, Wadsworth.”

“Your absurd but fine I'll elaborate,” I roll my eyes as he shifts so he is fully facing me, eyes completely focused, no sign of the anger he had only moments ago, “your too kind, too witty and clever and Whitehall wouldn’t appreciate you enough. You-” don’t belong with her.

Ever since he mentioned the idea of being with someone else, real or not, I have tried to ignore how much it pained me that he would be with someone else. I never expected to want to be with him, yet lately the premise of dating him has seemed very pleasing to me.

“You forgot to mention how handsome I look, or how charming I am, but I'll take it,” his voice is deeper than normal and his gaze travels over me even though his eyes are on my own. Thomas pats Sir Issac and his cat jumps off behind him with a whine. His hand reaches out for mine and I lean forward, wind making my loose strands of hair fly across my face. His hands are warm as I take them but his smile warms me more. It is small but genuine and filled with the normal Cresswell charm mixed with something I can't quite name. 

“I don’t need to inflate your ego further Thomas.” 

“I know but it would've been nice. I did say the inner most thoughts but we’ll get there. Audrey rose-” he looks down contemplating his words before he once again locks his gaze on mine, his dark brown eyes bright, “I dont belong with her, your right, my heart would never belong to her especially since it already belongs to someone else.” 

I blink at the honesty. I want to scream that you belong with me; but if Thomas is in love with someone else then I suppose I will have to find a way to deal with it. I try to keep the hurt of my face even as he smiles at me. 

“I-” Thomas lets go of my hand and stands. There's a silence between us until he motions for me to move. The idiot is going to climb into my house so he can tell me about his new found love. Like the fool I am, I'm going to let him talk about this girl who makes him look this happy. Even though it hurts that it's not me who is making him look like that. Even though I'm the one who makes him laugh when he is angry or upset. Even though I'm the one who knows his favourite songs, the books beside his bed and all his hopes and dreams.

He climbs over and sets himself on the window sill, giving me room to sit across from him. I do, even as I try to ignore the weight pressing down on my chest. “I hope you are happy with whomever has your heart Cresswell.” I say and mean it. I once again curl into myself, hoodie covering my legs as i watch him continue to smile at me, 

“Of course I'll be happy. She's amazing. Let me tell you all about her. I met her many years back and was instantly smitten with her emerald eyes and her quick witted mind. How she sings to herself every morning and how her dark curls fall across her face whenever she sits on her bed and reads. I adore her curiosity for the dead and how wicked her mouth is and how delightful it is to watch your mind at work. I love when she shows me a note through the window to see if I'm doing okay and-”

“Wait,” I blurt out, my mind catching up, “Thomas, are you talking about me?”

“Yes, finally! I thought I'd have to keep speaking forever till you realized it was you.” He starts laughing at my gaping mouth until I collect myself enough to scowl at him slightly for laughing. Thomas reaches out for my hand, moving closer to me until my back is pressed against the wall, my hoodie no longer over my legs as he rests his other hand on my leg, warmth seeping through me. “Wadsworth, darling, I have been in love with you for some time now.” 

Silence washes over us as we stare, trying to convince ourselves this is really happening. “I have something to show you.” My voice is barely about a whisper and I slide out of his grasp even though I don't want to. I walk to my bed where all my notebooks were left open and my notebooks sits. I open it out and let a piece of paper fall out. Facing Thomas I open the sheet slowly, watch him read the words. His eyes lit up at them.

I love you.

I take my place beside him again, his hands finding their way in mine once again. “I wrote that the night after you came here the second time. Something in me clicked that no matter what you'd find a way to comfort me. Not save me, but work alongside me. I wanted to tell you I just couldn't face it. But I needed to acknowledge it. So I wrote it down, and I look at it every time we use the note system; I try to convince myself to show you.” Thomas just stares at me, eyes flicking down to my lips every now and then. His hands are making circles on my leg, not entirely intentional. Thomas has always shown if he is excited or nervous by either tapping or making shapes on surfaces. The world slows completely as he leans in and presses his lips against mine. He pulls back ever so slightly, resting his head against mine and we are both smiling wildly at each other, pressing kisses until he leans further away. Thomas goes back to his side of the wall, which may as well be across the other side of the world, then he pulls me to him and I twist so that my back is against his. He holds me as we both look out the window, enjoying the freeing feeling of telling each other how we feel. 

“Now would be a perfect time to tell me how handsome I am, my love.” 

@fangirling-again @kittycat2187 @goatahoan @city-of-fae @the-hoofflepooff @padfoot-sirius-black-blog @purplecreatorhorsewagon @boredbookwormgirl @goddess-of-writing-wars @lovecakeandmore ​ @yikesitsmaddie @loveyatopluto​ @throneofsc @bookscressworth​

[naranjapetrificada]

I spent a lot of my early time in this fandom shunning modern AUs. Of course that's something I've since gotten over, and I'm now fully committed to the OFMD AU as a form. But today I'm thinking about one of the things about them that I'm most thankful for.

(putting some sad stuff behind the cut, just in case you're not in the right head space, check the tags)

When I first got into this fandom and started looking for fic, I wasn't adequately careful about AO3 tags because while I've been in fandom before and gone deep on fic, I guess I'd never been so attached to two characters before. I'd never needed to worry about the MCD tag all that much, because even if I did accidentally read something where it applied, it never hit as hard as it does with Stede and Ed. I guess that's a testament to the source material.

I've spent a whole lot of time on here writing about this show and the inherent grief in it, in fact my struggle to cope with that is why I created this account. I needed somewhere to yell into the void about it, and how tied up in that was my reaction to fics where the finite span of a human life was acknowledged, (even if there was no MCD). Because grief as a concept is so foundational to my experience with this story I sometimes worry at it like a missing tooth, and that can result in choosing to read MCD stories, but that's not what happened today. Today I was misled by an inadequately tagged fic when I wasn't expecting it, and it went about as well as could be expected. (I've since messaged the author about it so hopefully they can prevent other people falling into the same trap.)

So thank goodness for modern AUs. Because thinking too long about life expectancies during the canon era and how the amount of time Stede and Ed would have together under even the best circumstances was already truncated since they found each so late in life. And like, the late in life bit is part of the beauty, but still! Modern AUs though, they let you wrap yourself in the comfort of the achievements of modern medicine.

Yeah the void is still coming for us all, including even modern middle aged men who finally find each other and build lives together. And yeah there's still no guarantee of more-than-canon-era years together, because people die suddenly all the time, at all ages. But the thin veil of fiction is so important here, and it's so comforting to know that if I accidentally end up in this situation again, there's almost certainly a modern AU to pull me out of it.

[theji]

Things Yizhan Made Me Do

It's BXG Day today! 🐢💛

To commemorate the occasion, I thought of making a list of 13 out-of-character things that I've done since falling into the fandom. (OK I'm a bit late I meant to do this sooner, the day is ending soon in a couple of hours).

1. Start a blog

And a public one, no less. I had a blog when I was in my teens but that was private, like a personal diary. My day job already involves writing so off-work I would usually like to indulge in mindless activities. Now, here I am, maintaining a Yizhan blog. I have not even used Tumblr prior to this but I'm enjoying it now, rambling about our fav boys. Writing is not a chore if it's about them.

2. Join a fandom

I joined a boy band fan club once upon a time, some 15 years ago, but I was never as invested in it as I am now with Yizhan. Back then it was just buying some merch, attending their concert/autograph sessions, listening to their songs. Apart from work, dog mum duties, personal relationships, other hobbies like kombucha brewing, most of my free time is now spent on the fandom. My Netflix account is crying. There is just so much to do and catch up on (I'm not complaining). I also enjoy interacting with and learning from other bloggers here. Antis are no fun and some industry news/developments/hate messages are upsetting but ultimately, you curate your own fandom experience. And I choose positivity and rationality.

3. Indulge in RPS

I don't ever 'ship'. What is 'ship'? 😆 I was always a dutiful audience, just enjoying whatever drama series and moving on after that. I started with CQL like most people and I didn't even notice/like GGDD until much later. Didn't even set out to 'ship' anyone but now I'm a self-professed turtle. SZD is SZD, and anyone can see something special between them if you keep an open mind. I wrote about my SZD reasons here previously. That said, GG & DD are individuals, each with their own successful careers. They come first, the ship comes second. That I'm very clear of.

4. Use Chinese apps

Gosh, my phone and tablet are now full of Chinese apps. I used to have only WeChat cos I needed it for work but now I have Weibo, Oasis, Douyin, WeTV, MangoTV, Youku, etc. Some of them are not even available in the app store so I had to find alternative sources to download them. haha..I even have paid membership for some of these apps. And now, browsing Weibo daily becomes a routine. If you wish, you can just get stuck browsing Weibo for a long long time. It's entertaining.

5. Read fan fic

I only started about 6 months ago but now I'm hooked and fics are largely the only thing I read these days, apart from news. But I only read Yizhan or WangXian fics (p.s. calling for fic recs of other pairings!) I know some might have different feelings about fan fics but to me, I really just see them as fiction, with characters (and sometimes traits) bearing similarities to GGDD. Similarly, I separate the platform from the incident so I have no problems going to A03 despite GG's incident. I just enjoy seeing the characters named XZ/WYB having happy endings in many different timelines and universes. While most of the fics I read are explicit (by design), I don't use them as tools to play out certain fantasies or to think of GGDD in a sexual manner. In fact, I really hate fics that have little substance and just go into the explicit parts without plot development. I like those with interesting premises too, like one I read recently where XZ is a serial killer and WYB is a police officer investigating the case but also in love with him. I do have plans to share my list of fav fan fics some time down the road so keep an eye out for it!

6. Willingly read Chinese

Yes, Chinese may be my mother tongue but I don't use it much in daily living unless I have to. I also find it tedious to read Chinese cos the characters are just so squashed together. If I have a choice, I will always pick English. But now, I read so much Chinese from my daily weibo browsing. I even read fan fics in Chinese! Who am I? On the plus side, I think my Chinese comprehension and translation skills improved. I also picked up some internet lingo used by Chinese netizens, which are pretty interesting like doi, 🐮🍺, 🖍. My all-time fav is yyds.

7. Act like a cougar

In real life, I have always maintained that younger men are childish. At least those I have encountered. But look at me now, fangirling over two younger men (I am closer in age to GG, but still..). I even jokingly call them my 'China Boyfriends'. I look at them very respectfully most of the time.

8. Buy merch

Seriously, once you start, you can't stop. At least that was what happened to me, although I'm still quite selective when it comes to supporting their endorsements. I usually go for consumables like food, cosmetics vs collectibles cos I'm more practical. Also, GG says to support their merch within reasonable means so that's what I'm doing. Just buying things that I'm interested to try and not because it has their faces or names slapped on it. In a way, this suits me cos I like trying new brands and stuff anyway.

9. Keeping a Yizhan archive

Photos, weblinks, videos, songs, fan fics list..my phone is full of these things now. I think my Yizhan photo gallery is only second to the folder with my dogs' pictures. But how can you resist when we are blessed with new pics of them almost every week?

10. Camp for livestreams

I'm lucky I live in the same time zone as the boys so I don't have to wake up in the wee hours of the morning just to watch something. But that's the thing, being in the same time zone sometimes make me feel like I HAVE to watch that thing live because, why not? Why wait? Not shy to admit that I once watched a live programme in the middle of work but I made sure I finished what needed to be done. I think so long as we don't let these livestream schedules run our lives, there's no harm in camping for them.

11. Watch c entertainment

I am one of those who used to pass over Chinese productions, simply because it's a Chinese production. Not in a scoffing manner but I'm just genuinely not interested in them nor the celebs. I was more of a US/UK production kind of person, occasionally Korean/Japanese. Now, I'm learning to enjoy them although I just watch those with GGDD in them. No energy to follow other Chinese celebs anyway. The other programme I'm contemplating watching even if it doesn't have them in it is Who's the Murderer (GG was only in one of the cases) cos I like the premise. On the flip side, now my sis and partner keep making fun of me cos to them, all I do now is "watch China shows". That is so not true. Or is it?

12. Write fan mail

I wrote a letter to GG once. A long-ass letter. I hope he read it. That's all I'm gonna say. 🙈 hahahahaha

13. Desire to visit China

China was never on my list of to-visit places. Just wasn't interested. I have been to Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou a few times in the past for work but even then, I never felt the urge to revisit for leisure. Now, I wanna visit GG and DD's home town, visit Chongqing to see the graffiti wall with Bobii Zanbii on it, eat mala hotpot and try out their sauce recipe, attend BXG events, dine at the CQL restaurant... Watching TTXS also made me realise that there are many beautiful places in China with natural landscapes and all that. I used to be clouded by my disdain for the regime and some behaviour of its citizens but now, I recognise that the country is separate from the regime or a smaller group of poorly behaved citizens. China is a beautiful country and I would love to visit some day. I will fly over immediately on my own if someone gives me tix to ADLAD!!

Well, I hope some of these things resonate with you. Feel free to share the OOC things that Yizhan made you do.

Once again, Happy BXG Day! 🐢💛🐆🐇🐷🌶🦁🍑🐶🍍🛹🎋

[kuronanox]

Our little secret-Kaien Shiba

"Kaien Shiba my super hot professor."

(Your Name) day dreams with brightful eyes as she sighs and smiles sheepishly.

"(Last Name)!" Kaien shouts smacking her desk with his rolled up paper as she flinched and looks up to him. His brows were knit and focused. "If you keep day dreaming you'll fall behind!"

"Ahh I'm sorry." She apologizes and bows her head respectfully as he laughs and grins.

"I'm joking, but seriously you should try to concentrate more."

(Your Name) chuckles and mentally screams, her tiny heart would hurt if he actually yelled at her.

"Wait he knows my name?!"

She looks back up and Kaien was already at the chalk board lecturing on the next chapter. With one hand on his hip and the other writing some unknown language on the board.

"Concentrate concentrate concentrate!"

She tries to smack her face lightly as she looks lower to stare at his butt and blushes a bit yelping as the students around her stared and she looked down embarrassed.

Once lecture was done she sighed from exhaustion and packed her bag before her name was called out.

"(Last Name)." Kaien calls out as most of the student cleared out of his lecture room and she mentally cursed.

"Yes sensei?" (Your Name) asks staring at her feet interested with the patterns of her new shoes.

"You can look up." He laughs a bit with both his hand on his hips. His tie moving along with his laugh and his tucked in shirt was so irresistible for her she licked her lips. "Anyways I was looking back at some of your test scores and you are falling behind! Is everything alright?" He asks now a bit concerned.

"No! Everything is fine! I'm just not understanding the material and I don't wanna stop class because of my selfish reasons."

Kaien pokes her forehead and grunts, lightly hitting the roll of paper on her head. "Everyone is here to learn. I guarantee someone else have the same question as you too."

(Your Name) goes back to looking at her shoes shyly as the older man sighs but in a concerning way. "How about I tutor you for 30 min after class each day you are here. Monday, Wednesday, Friday." His eyes raising for her answer as she slowly nods.

"I'm sure you are a busy man and I don't have money for a tutor."

"Don't worry about it, my students come first." He assures her with a smile as she smiles back.

"Jesus he's gorgeous! I can't believe he offered to help me learn on his own time for free!"

"I'll see you next week then!" Kaien cheers smacking her head once again before walking out the classroom.

The following weekend for her was so slow because she was excited to spend one on one time with him.

"He's my professor though! It would be wrong to like him! I'm sure he's married or dating already! I mean I should be too because I'm a junior year college student but still a teacher and student relationship would be to spicy."

Throwing her pillow across the room she squirmed in her bed like a fan girl. "A girl can dream though."

Composing herself she went onto her phone and searched through all social media to "research" him some more but she found nothing.

"Maybe he doesn't use social media? He ain't that old yet though." Putting her phone aside she closed her eyes and waited for Monday to come quickly.

Lecture time came as she sat towards the front of the class to concentrate more. Still this chapter and chapters before overlapped each other and she felt super lost and defeated.

Kaien would teach and sometimes look at her direction and from the expression on her face he knew she was struggling. Once the classroom cleared out he arranged his desk to be more roomy for her to set her things down.

"Cha! Are you ready?" He asks enthusiastically opening up his notes from a few chapters back.

She smiled and sat next to him as they got to work.

Over the course of their their tutoring sessions 30 minutes turned to 40, till it reached an hour and then till after dark.

Kaien didn't realized how much he was enjoyed her company that at times they would get off subject and just talked about themselves or their likes.

"I didn't think a 30 year old man would actually enjoy tutoring." He says to her as she gasped picking up her book bag and getting ready to leave their session.

"To be fair I didn't think a 22 year old girl would need tutoring."

Kaien waved her off, closing his classroom up. Looking out the window it was pouring all day. "Did you park in the garage today?" He asks putting his coat on.

"I did actually!"

"Me too, we can walk together."

The walk was normal it didn't seem like a teacher and student relationship, it was more like friends now. To Kaien there was nothing wrong with opening up your options even though he had none.

"You are still young (Your Name) go to parties and have fun." He tells her as she looks up to him, his eyes showed a bit of sadness but she couldn't figure out what.

"30 isn't old! But then again to see your professor at a party would be kinda sus."

Kaien chuckles and shook his head as they made it to the elevator. It was silent but her heart was racing.

They've spent a lot of time with each other since he offered to tutor her but she wanted to know him more. There was a part of him she could tell was missing.

"How was your college life?"

"Wild I did so many things." He tells her placing his hands in his pockets.

"Ahh me too, there are some pretty crazy frat parties." She tells him lightly as he laughs out loud.

"Tell me about it! I've been to plenty."

As they enter the garage, the rain started to pour harder as lightning mixed with the clouds.

"Will you be okay getting home in this rain?"

"Don't worry! I can wait it off on campus." She assures him as he shakes in head and unlock his car, opening his passenger seat.

"You wanna go to the bar? It's only a block down. We can wait it off there and then I'll drive you back to your car."

A part of her wanted to say no only because it seemed wrong to be drinking with her professor but she knew she wasn't a minor or some kid. It was totally fine and it wasn't like she was sleeping with him for better grades.

With a bright smile she gladly took a seat. "Sure!"

To her surprise the bar was pretty busy and it was blasting with music and people all ages mingling. He asked for a booth and took a seat across from her.

"He has to be interested if he took me to a bar or even offered to go out!"

Looking at the menu Kaien offered to pay for the night.

"Don't worry about it! I'm sure we are hungry also, it's been a long day."

(Your Name) was hesitant at first but gave in only because he wouldn't let her pay for nothing since he invited her out. They had a few rounds of drinks and it was easy for her to talk to him because Kaien was pretty open about everything.

"Yeah I remember falling down the stairs at a frat house blacked out in the bathtub after trying to get home." He tells her laughing his ass off thinking about his college days.

"Yeah it took 7 people to carry me out the house, I was dead weight and woke up in my friends house with different clothes." (Your Name) says sharing her side of stories as well.

"So you're a drinker? I wouldn't have thought." Kaien states as he drank the rest of his water. (Your Name) looks at her watch, it was about to hit midnight and the rain was slowing down enough to drive in.

"It's getting kinda late, I'm pretty sure your family is waiting for you." She says nonchalantly without realizing it may have been a sensitive topic.

Kaien slightly frowns but not enough to show discomfort. He kindly smiles to her after and says "no family, it's just me and I."

Her eyes widen in realization as she quickly apologized and bowed her head. He chuckles and ruffles her hair. "Don't worry, no offense taken. It gets lonely at times but I bare with it. Come on I'll drive you to your car."

The whole night they went out he was a gentleman, opening the car door and the bar door. Holding her bag and paying for dinner. It felt nice.

As they rode back she had to ask him, she wanted to know what this was.

"Kaien?" She asks and the way his name came off her lips felt foreign.

"Hmm?"

"Do you think this is weird? Going out to drink with one of your students and spending a lot of time with me even after tutoring me?"

There was a silence for a moment before he spoke truthfully.

"At first I was skeptical but we are both adults and what we decide to do shouldn't have to matter with imagine or what people think. That means yes I enjoy your company and I do like you."

(Your Name) blushed a bit, he admit to like spending time with her and hinted he didn't wanna stop either.

"How'd you know I like you?"

He smirks and shakes his head before pulling into the garage. "Word spreads fast around my students apparently."

Turning off his car Kaien walked her into her car so she would get home safely.

"(Your Name) if it's out of your comfort zone we could always try after you graduate." He seriously says to her leaning into her window as she gulped to how close he was to her.

"No I don't feel uncomfortable, I just didn't think this would actually be happening."

"Expect the unexpected." He says as she chuckles to how corny that was. "It can be our little secret for a while." Kaien adds with a toothy grin and she smiles.

"Yeah, our little secret for a while."

(Author Note: idk why I feel like I could make this one shot better but then it would turn to a whole story)

[bad-bitch-beauchamp]

Songs About Me: Thistle & Bloom (CH7)

Jamie and Claire end up in Claire's shop. More revelations, a mysterious phone call, and exchanged promises. SO sorry about the gap between chapters! I've been pretty sick over here, and just needed a break to get better. I'm feeling better and glad to be writing again!

READ ON AO3

CHAPTER SEVEN

Claire Beauchamp’s front porch, a late October night, Louisburg Square, Beacon Hill, Boston

“Claire, I--” he swallowed and took a step back from her. She noticed that in the distance he created, his hand still held onto her waist. His fingertips pressed into her flesh and goosebumps erupted under the fabric. She met his eyes and sank into their ocean depths.

“I’d verra much like to kiss ye. May I?”

Words had never failed Claire before. She spent her free time letting sentences flow around her, wrapping her in warmth and comfort. Words were her solace and succor. When Jamie’s eyes flicked from her lips to her eyes in question , in longing , any word she thought of failed her completely. She nodded quickly, for it was all she could manage in the moment. Whatever she had been expecting from Jamie, whatever she expected a first kiss to be like with the stranger who had enchanted her from their first meeting, whatever she expected failed in comparison. Jamie leaned forward, and steeled himself with a slow swallow. Claire watched his throat bob with the effort, and for the first time, wondered to herself how much power he was holding unchecked in the moment. There wasn’t time to think before he had regained his composure and moved closer into her. His clear blue eyes had darkened to the color of Claire’s favorite coastline, and her breath caught in her throat. The moment she met his eyes, everything faded away. There were no words, no chill in the late October air, no more spiraling thoughts… there was just Jamie. His woody cologne swirled together with the scent of fallen leaves on wet, worn bricks; their air mingled together, and it was happening. His mouth found purchase with hers, softly, tenderly. He tasted like a smoke-filled whisky and something so inexplicably him. Had she been sober, she might have had the thought to hold back some, to not devour this man before her… but she wasn’t sober, and couldn’t have been with the intoxicating feel of him against her body and in her mouth. Her hands moved from his chest up his neck and into the curls at the nape of his neck. He moaned when her fingers moved upwards into his hair. “God, Claire…” His hands roamed around her waist and up the expanse of her back, down her ribcage and almost to her arse, but pulled back to crush her to him instead. She moaned in protest and he laughed breathily as he whispered, “Ye have no idea how badly I’ve wanted to kiss ye like this.” Claire smiled through his returning kisses. An arm snaked around her waist while the other ran up the length of her spine. She was being greedy, she knew it, and couldn’t stop it. Her tongue softly ran along his lips and he nearly spasmed at the contact. Apparently one little tease was all the invitation he needed -- a hand was in her hair, his tongue was in her mouth, her body was crushed against the most beautiful man she’d ever seen. They were playing a dangerous game, the two of them, and she was ready to explode with the fire he set in her.

“You’ll stay…?” He moved his mouth to her ear, nibbling her earlobe just a bit. “God, Jamie…”  Hot breath from a small chuckle made her skin erupt in shivers. “You’ll stay? Tonight?”

Stubble scratched her neck, soothed by wet kisses. “Hmmmm?”

She drew his face back to hers in her hands and kissed him soundly. “Come upstairs with me, Jamie.”

Navy orbs met dark gold ones in the glow of lamplight. He made for their mouths to meet again, but didn’t close his eyes. He released her finally, but kept a tight grip on her waist. “Yer so beautiful, Claire.”

She felt her cheeks burn at his compliments. How did he do that to her? Just a few words, a pointed look, a whisper in her direction and she was absolutely melted. She reached for his hand and moved to open her door, but Jamie stayed rooted to the spot.

“I cannae go inside wi’ ye tonight, mo nighean donn.” Surely she hadn’t heard him right. Was he rejecting her? She dropped his hand and stepped back, turning toward the door to turn her key in the lock.

What the fuck happens now? Claire turned, stood up straight, and outstretched her hand. “Well, this really has been a great night. Maybe I’ll see you around sometime?” She tried to keep the hurt off her face, but knew she was failing.

Jamie looked at her hand like it was a foreign object, and stepped forward. He took her small hand in both of his and brought her knuckles to his lips. “Claire, ye have to know how much I want tae go inside with ye. God, I’ve never wanted anything more than I want ye in this moment. But lass, I don’t just want this moment… I want so much more with ye. The way I feel about ye, I know ye feel it, too. I’m not willing to let this get out of hand. Ye mean too much to me. This, means too much to me. I’m going to do this right, mo chridhe.” Claire’s whole body had felt warm with adrenaline moments before, but now it surged with affection for Jamie. “If ye wanted to kiss me like that again though, I wouldna complain one bit, though,” he added with a smirk breaking through his serious facade.

Claire laughed in earnest and kissed him with all the passion she could muster. Her hand rested on his heart and it pounded faster with the seconds shared in their kiss. Before she was lost in him once again, she pulled away and he let out a strangled cry at the loss of her. His eyes hadn’t opened before she had completely extricated herself from him and had her front door open. “Goodnight, James!” she laughed.

---

“You’ll be the death of me, Sassenach!” The door was closed before he had time to recompose himself. He sighed and ran a hand through his mussed curls. He absolutely stood by what he said about wanting to honor what they had, and he had not planned on following her to bed tonight. He wouldn’t treat this like it was disposable or quick. Then again… no lass had ever kissed him the way Claire Beauchamp did. Before he could knock on her door and beg her to let him in, he forced himself off the porch and down the sidewalk. One more look at her windows, one more second in place thinking about her, and he’d end up back in her arms tonight. One day, lad. One day.

Jamie had mentioned he had to be at the bookshop the next day, and Claire had every intention of not bothering him at work. She had planned to answer a few emails and do some administrative work with a coffee and then head down to her own shop to work on propagating some of the rarer plants. She loaded her leather messenger bag with her laptop, notebook, writing notebook, an assortment of her favorite pens, and headed down the street. Twenty minutes and a large chai later, she aimlessly strolled toward her shop on Garden Street. She found herself drifting a few blocks south of the direction she should be headed in and a few blocks closer to Fraser Literature. Surely there was no harm in working at one of the tables in the courtyard at the bookshop, right? She wandered through the streets with a new purpose and was soon setting up shop at one of the familiar cafe tables outside her favorite shop. Had the store not been open today, she would have wasted the morning away there in the courtyard, letting the sun glow around her, warming her chilled surroundings. Alas, being a business owner was not exactly as freeing as someone may think and she had work to do. A while later, Claire was zoned-in on an email about variegated monstera deliciosa orders when a voice behind her nearly made her fall out of her chair.

“Whatcha working on today, Sassenach?” She clutched her chest and turned to see Jamie arched an eyebrow and crossed his arms, clearly pleased with his startling announcement of arrival.

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, Jamie! Are you trying to give me a heart attack over here?”

“Ach no, jes’ reveling in the fact that ye clearly can’t get enough of me. Getting me drunk at dinner, encouraging puir decisions, the way ye kissed me last night, trying to get me into yer bed, and now, I find ye waiting for me outside my shop. I jes’ find it interesting , is all.”

“I was doing no such thing! This is just were I work! I’d been working here long before I knew this was your shop!”

“Likely story, Sassenach.” Claire assumed he was trying to wink, but in much the same way an owl does, he just blinked both clear blue eyes at her and scrunched up his nose, making Claire snort in laughter at his attempt.

“I do actually have to work, though, and now that I know you’re distracted, I should go so we both actually get something done today,” she said, and began to pack up her bags.

“Tis a timely distraction, actually!” Jamie handed her a yellow notebook and raised his brows when he gestured throwing her empty drink in the trash.

Claire nodded in response to the cup and continued to pack up. “Oh yeah? Why’s that?”

“We’ve been getting some feedback from customers lately that they’re very much enjoying the ‘atmosphere’ of the store, and more and more people at checkout say they like all the plants hanging around! The boys and I were discussing taking that idea and running with it… kind of an arts experience, ken? The music, the books of course, and bring nature into it all. I’d like to add in some more plants, but dinna ken what would work best. Is there any way ye could help me figure it out? Maybe I could stop by your wee shop sometime and we could talk it out?”

Claire swung her bag over her shoulder and smiled at Jamie’s nervousness in asking her for something so… chill . “Of course you can stop by, Jamie! Actually, I’m headed there now, if you’d like to join?” His smile could have rivaled the sunshine for brightest thing in the courtyard. Claire waited inside the store’s entrance while Jamie told Angus and Rupert he’d be back in a while and noticed the way Jamie’s ears pinked at the tips when Angus leaned in to whisper something and Rupert playfully punched Jamie in the arm. She pretended to fuss with something on the bookshelf, but smiled to herself nonetheless.

“Ready, Sassenach?” Jamie was waiting by her side a few moments later. It was Claire’s turn to beam up at him.

“Always.”

---

Thistle and Bloom was Jamie’s second-favorite place in all of Boston. It was the word “thistle” that had originally drawn him into the shop shortly after moving to the city. It reminded him of home, of the Highlands, and of all the things that just felt like home. He had met the redhead behind the counter a handful of times, always hearing the owner was out back working, or gone searching for herbs, or otherwise occupied. He and Geillis had become friendly over the years, and the other lads had become more than friendly with her on more than one occasion. It was Geillis that had invited them all out to karaoke, and he would forever be grateful for how fate had worked in his life. Geillis, this shop, his bookstore, Scotland… all of it played a part in getting him here today, with Claire.

They approached the storefront and Claire absolutely beamed with pride. The outside of the shop was ornate for Boston, but beautiful. The building was brick, with a white-washed wood first story with large arched windows. Painted with forest green on the arches of the facade, a heavy naturally-stained wood had the name of the wee shop painted in gold lettering, and a heavy carved thistle painted in gold sat as the crowning jewel in the signage. English ivy crawled and sprawled up the planters on the sidewalk and up the white wood over the green arches and up the antique brick. Whisky barrels sat in front of the windows exploding with blooms in modern arrangements, like they had truly come to life in the most whimsical and elegant way. Now knowing it was Claire behind it all, everything made sense. He thumbed a rogue branch of the ivy, it’s Englishness not lost on him. Inside the store, Jamie saw it all with fresh eyes.

Jamie was a fair gardener -- truth be told, he hadn’t needed explicit help in finding the right plants for his store, but he’d near say anything to spend time with Claire. She nervously showed him around, occasionally muttering the scientific name of a houseplant or remarking about the rarity of another under her breath. Only once did she catch one yellowing leaf on something that trailed up the wall, and she plucked it off and shoved it in her jeans pocket. Jamie shook his head in exasperation at her -- didn’t she know, everything she did was perfect? They continued their little tour and examined every plant in the store for Jamie’s needs. Jamie occasionally hummed or nodded in agreement of Claire’s assessment of the plants, but he knew she really wasn’t talking to him. Sometimes, she’d look at Jamie or ask for his opinion on a plant, but otherwise, she existed in her own little world. Claire had amassed a collection of medium-sized plants on the counter she assured him wouldn’t be too much work but would flourish with his attention, and turned the most brilliant shade of pink when she caught sight of him watching her work.

Seeing that the shop was empty for the moment, Jamie moved in toward Claire. Watching her like this, in her element, so happy, he just wanted to kiss her again. Just steps away from her, she turned to him, smiling. One more step until bliss…

Jamie jumped. His phone rang loudly from his pocket. Rushing to silence it, he pulled it out of his pocket to a blonde woman’s smiling face on the Caller ID. He shut off the ringer and looked for Claire. She was shuffling plants at the counter, not really rearranging anything but trying to make herself busy nonetheless. Ifrinn. She saw the damned phone.

“So, Claire…” he was interrupted by a voicemail notication. He ignored it. “I was wondering if ye grow these plants yerself, or…” another loud beep followed by another indicated he was getting texts at a rapid pace. “Jesus, fuck!”

“If you need to get that, it’s really fine, Jamie!” Claire was trying for a breezy tone and failing miserably. She’d seen the beautiful woman on the phone. They never said they were exclusive or anything, it was awfully presumptuous of her to assume that in the two days they’d known each other, that he didn’t have any other ties. She was spiraling but a warm, steady hand brought her back down to reality.

“I dinna need to do anything, Sassenach. Nothing matters to me now except for being here with ye.” He gave her a reassuring smile, and with only the briefest hesitation to make sure she was caught up with his feelings, he kissed her chastley. “Now, I was asking how ye came to amasse such a small jungle.”

Claire smiled adoringly at Jamie, pushing any nagging thoughts about the mysterious caller to the side. “I’d like to show you something, if you can be away for a little while longer,” Claire said. Jamie nodded and followed her when she went out the back door of the shop.

Instead of finding a back door leading to an alleyway or a small yard, Jamie stepped into pure light. A white wooden door with paned glass led the way into the most beautiful greenhouse Jamie had ever seen. It was a few small rooms, each terraced with a few cement steps leading into the next. Slowly walking through, Jamie noticed each tiny room was a different biome: one for tropical plants, one for houseplants, one for cacti and sand-dwelling plants, and one with plants he’d never seen before. The windows were probably once crystal clear, but now the glass was clouded with condensation and moss in the corners. The cream paint on the window and door panes was chipping away in places, and the floor was covered in loose dirt and a few errant leaves. Everything was diffused light and shades of green and white and warm air. It was warm inside and Jamie wiped away a bead of sweat from his forehead. He turned to Claire, who stood in the far corner, awaiting judgment like a child. She smiled shyly, hugging herself and leaning against a potting bench. Her hair was conspiring with the humidity to add more curls to her head at an alarming rate, and she looked like the queen of her own personal Jumanji. Jamie had never seen a more ethereal sight in his life.

“Ye know, I always come here when I miss home,” he held a leaf the size of his own head in his hand and made his way along the rows of flora as he continued. “Scotland is so green, ken? I think it’s the thing I miss most. The traditions there are so old but it’s so green and fresh and new out in the moors and the lochs and munros. This shop, yer shop,” he smiled at her, “it always felt the way I felt about being home in Scotland.”

“Have I told you I grew up in Scotland?”

Jamie’s head snapped up at that. “Ye said ye were from Oxford?”

She nodded. “Yes, originally. I went to school in Oxford, and Oxford was where I thought I’d build my life. Actually though, in between travelling with my uncle, we’d always end up in Scotland. My uncle had a place in Glenfinnan?” Jamie’s jaw dropped. “I take it you know the place?”

“Aye! I’m from Inveraray!”

“I’ll jot that down in the list of things we have in common!” She laughed. “Anyways, he had a croft up there and we’d go all the time. It’s mine now, but I haven’t had time to make it back there after opening up shop here in Boston. Scotland holds a very special place in my heart, though. All the important moments in my life happened in the Highlands: my best birthdays, my first kiss, my biggest adventures, it’s where I went when I left my ex, when my uncle died…” Jamie came to her, stroking her arm when he saw her eyes shimmered with unshed tears. “The highlands always felt wild and peaceful and magical to me. I wanted to have a slice of that here. It’s obviously for work, too, but this… this is my favorite place. My oasis. It feels…”

“Like heaven,” Jamie finished. The moment he said it, he almost wished he could take it back not because he didn’t mean it, but because it really did feel like heaven here with her.  

“Like heaven,” she repeated. He found her staring longingly at him, and he couldn’t help it then. He kissed her with as much admiration as he could possibly muster in a kiss, and it still didn’t feel like enough when she drew back for air.

“Having you here with me, in this place… This is more than I could have ever hoped for.”

“Make me a promise, Sassenach?”

Claire was puzzled. She brought him into her very favorite place, and he’s asking for random promises right now? “Yes, Jamie?”

“Promise me we’ll end up in Scotland together. I’ll take ye up the munros and down in the lochs and we’ll laugh and drive and get caught up in sheep herds together. We’ll drink ‘til we cannae walk we’ll talk about how the universe conspired to get us here. Me and you, mo nighean donn. Promise ye’ll let me follow ye around the world and back to the place we both love. Promise me that one day, we’ll get back there together.”

Despite knowing Jamie for such a short time, despite the day that was supposed to be a fun, non-committal one picking out plants, Claire found herself swimming in the depths of his ocean eyes with no plan to get out and dry off. Despite the rational part of her brain telling her she should not be making plans so soon, she saw an entire lifetime in his face. Maybe it was the ethereal atmosphere, maybe it was that he made her drunk on his presence alone, maybe it was magic that made her match his eyes and say, “Scotland it is. I’ll follow you anywhere.”

[elriel-oblivion]

So it's been four days so here's part two 😁 Just wanted to say a huge thanks to everyone who read/liked/commented/reblogged the last part! It was such an amazing response, especially given it was my first time posting my writing here, so thanks for all the love you shared 🥰🥰

Heads up, this part is actually part one from Elain's pov. Initially I wanted to continue from where the last part left off in Elain's pov, but as I was writing the background, I realised I'd written too much to just skip when Az gets to the estate and cut straight into a continuation of part one, so I ended up rewriting the whole thing in her view. So there's no new elriel moments, but you'll get a lot of new stuff anyway 😅 I would've said you don't have to read this part to understand part three, but when I was rereading the later parts a few hours ago, I realised there's some stuff that alludes to things in this part, so I strongly recommend you don't skip this 😅😅

Also, wow, some of my fave paragraphs I've ever written are in this part 😁 Bonus points if you can find them; there are four I'm thinking of in particular 😉

Word count: ~ 3.1K. Lemme know if you'd like to be tagged/removed 😊 Next part up in two or three days 😊

AO3

Ashes from the Deep

Part II

__

It had been a pretty uneventful day as Elain worked through her new plant textbook. Feyre and Rhysand had decided to spend the weekend away at the mountain cabin, Cassian and Nesta were away doing things she wished not to think of, and Mor was at the Winter Court.

Amren had only been round in the mornings, probably to check Elain was still alive. She'd glance round the living room, examine some of those fine crystal glasses in the display cabinet and then leave. There was no difference today, though Elain always felt Amren's scrutiny upon her even when that muted silver gaze was directed elsewhere; perusing Rhys' wine collection had become a tired ruse.

So besides preparing and taking her meals with Nuala and Cerridwen, Elain had spent her afternoon with her book, making notes and copying drawings. The twins had gone off on some errands, so she'd wandered into the garden at some point to tend to her many plants, telling them how lovely they each were. The crocuses looked particularly stunning this autumn day, their pale violet colour breathing life into the shades beneath some of the trees.

With her book, she'd identified new weeds, digging into the soil to rip some pesky ones out. Sometimes she didn't want the help of a tool; sometimes she needed to feel those roots on her bare skin.

Harvesting the carrots and beetroot was also on the agenda today, along with seeding for some spectacular displays next year. She'd been collecting the seeds from some of her summer blooms, like those soft clouds of baby's breath, saving them to replant. These she sowed directly into ground she'd prepared days before, her fingers digging into the crumbly clumps of earth.

Autumn onions she'd plant tomorrow, perhaps. Feyre always remarked on how their strong taste complimented meats well, so Elain wanted to harvest some fresh for her sister for once. It'd take a few months of waiting, but there was little else better than picking out and eating food one had grown with their bare hands and the essential ingredients of love and care.

Setting her book on the patio table, Elain surveyed the garden. It was a good day's work. Plants watered and sown, weeds uprooted, and hands sweaty and soiled, Elain was proud of what she'd achieved today. There were no distractions, nothing to take her from the one thing she always found satisfaction in.

After a long shower, she found herself back in the garden with a cup of tea and a blanket. The sunset washed the sky in a blaze of red and orange glory before it yielded to the cool tones of twilight then night. Elain sat in silence, hands wrapped around her mug. How long would it be until someone's arms were wrapped around her, until she felt the warmth her sisters finally had?

Silly, these thoughts. Immortality stretched far ahead, there would be time to develop that companionship. Months and years were but a heartbeat in the life of a High Fae. She wouldn't even notice the years pass.

Or so everybody else kept saying.

With her tea finished, she perused the book of recipes she'd borrowed from Nuala. Some recipes jumped out, ingredients for which she'd been growing for a few months now. Pumpkin pie sounded especially delightful, the gourd having almost darkened and hardened to ripe quality just a couple days ago. They should be ready for harvest tomorrow.

A chill wind sent Elain inside to prepare and have her dinner in pleasant silence. Even her mind was quiet tonight. After washing her dishes, she stood by a bay window, fingers idly tapping the windowsill.

Faelights bobbed like tiny lamps, dotted through the garden. The full moon was now high in the sky, its ghostly glow illuminating the datura flowers she'd seeded half a year ago. She pulled on her blanket and went out again for a better look at those gorgeous blooms, the petals opening only at night.

Elain couldn't be happier she'd found seeds of a triple-flowered variety. They'd grown to produce large trumpets, three layers of petals ruffled against each other. Somehow she thought of her sisters as she crouched and stared at the flowers, each layer so similar, yet fighting for space and breath as it unfurled before another. It was only when they were all fully open that they could sigh along the night breeze as one, an ethereal song of togetherness, tinged with notes of poignancy, only heard by those with the will to look deeper.

The white petals were stained with velvet violet, a true vision in her garden. While the others had given her passing compliments on the flowers, Azriel had seemed stunned the first time he saw them, citing them his favourite of all the plants Elain had grown so far. Something about their shape and contrasting colours, he'd mentioned.

She smiled fondly at the memory, where his eyes sparkled as he reached for one of the soft petals.

Her hand lashed out to grab his wrist. 'Don't touch them; the leaves and stems are highly poisonous.'

His brows rose. 'You wouldn't think that at first sight. But they're beautiful, Elain. Truly magnificent,' he said, his smooth voice so low, a voice that was night given sound. And how befitting, as even those datura flowers seemed enraptured by his presence, one shy petal finally unfurling towards him.

She beamed at him. 'They like you. Flowers like it when you talk to and compliment them - but these ones haven't given me the same reaction as they have to you. I think they really like you, Azriel.'

His answering smile was heartbreakingly tender.

A few more seconds passed before she realised she still held his wrist. She silently let go.

It was a shame she'd have to dig out the datura shrub and move it inside for the winter; it did look magnificent in the moonlight.

The sky shifted past its midnight velvet, and still Elain crouched, admiring the flowers. She shivered in the night's chill. The stars above twinkled and glistened, cold and distant as ever, yet stunning - infinitely more striking than they'd ever been when she was human. A thousand different colours sparkled in that vast expanse, the moon a phosphorescent queen in the centre of her court.

The Night Court truly lived up to its name in the wee hours of the day. Its opulence never failed to mesmerise her; the enhanced Fae eyesight was at least one thing she was grateful for from this body.

Her eyelids became heavy and she yawned. Why was she still out here? It was late into the night; she should be in bed by now. But the night was so beautiful and it was so quiet and she wanted to appreciate it all just once. Just once without the expectations of others, without having to wear that miserable smile all the time.

Of course, it didn't look miserable, which is probably why almost nobody ever bothered to look deeper into Elain. She should be used to it by now, but it still felt - wrong. That most overlooked her so long as she wore a smile. That most didn't think her capable of feeling the utter bitterness and loneliness she had once seen so plain on her sisters' faces.

And in acknowledgement of her sisters' hardships, Elain didn't fault them for not looking, for not seeing her. To see past the thick blanket of darkness in one's own mind was a trial in itself. But it had been years since the war now. And still they didn't notice.

They didn't notice that Elain was being shredded from the inside out.

It was almost laughable. But not funny enough.

No, it was not funny that people still treated Elain like a child, that people wanted to keep Elain in some weird impasse of a stage between child and adult. She'd thought finally carrying out her duty and giving her hand in marriage would show everyone that she was growing up: Elain Archeron, middle born but first married. Of course it was still on her own terms, to a man whom she'd loved. A man who'd seen her through the rubble of her family's lives. But she'd overall hoped doing what was expected of her would be enough.

Clearly not. She didn't even know who she was any more. Did she ever? Everything she'd once yearned for, gone. That fragile human life would soon be just a speck on the horizon of her past.

She sighed. Rebuilding herself was going to take a long time.

But what would she have to do for people to see her, to listen to her? Throw a rage? Fall into a drunken stupor and break a few dozen bottles?

She definitely could, but those were not her. She was Elain Archeron. And so she would wait. Patience wasn't a bad thing at all; she saw it on the shadowsinger's face all the time, that tranquility and calmness she so wished to feel inside.

Azriel. Her heart softened as he entered her mind again, and she dug her fingers into the soil, if only to occupy her fidgety hands. As sure as the chaos of her visions these days, there was a mess of butterflies related to him she wasn't willing to show. Or understand.

Elain and the spymaster? Now that was laughable. Truly laughable. He was wise and patient, while she - well, everyone already thought her a child, and though he listened like no other around her, surely even he couldn't glimpse the adult she so desperately wanted everyone to see.

No, it was foolish to entertain the idea of a relationship with him. No matter how much he saw.

No matter that he was the first to see her since Graysen.

Elain exhaled. She stifled another yawn, smoothing out the soil, then brushed her hands clean. She wrapped the blanket closer around herself and stood. Twinkling stars and velvety darkness and -

There, a knot of shadows materialising at the far edge of the garden, collecting and swirling into a larger mass before Azriel himself stepped out and sagged against a tree. His shadows whirled and obscured him, a dark fire with him burning at the core.

Elain's voice left her throat before she even thought to call him and she ran over to his figure slumped in the dimness.

She couldn't help but say his name again as she neared. 'Azriel!'

Those beautiful hands fiddled with a Siphon, but he looked even worse up close. Fatigue dragged at his body, a second weight to all the muscle and armour he already had to carry. Sweat and dirt clung to him, his hair. At least the shadows were parting, swallowing each other and misting away as they often did around her. Perhaps she should ask someday why they did that. But not today, not when his breathing was so laboured.

She raised a hand - to do what, she had no idea. She couldn't just touch him right now. 'You don't look okay.'

Something else limned his features as he huffed a light laugh and said, 'I'm fine, don't worry.' His voice was raw, so starkly different to its usual icy smoothness. It was common for him to guard his emotions, but in his state, this kind of thinking was just unhealthy. What would it take for him to be honest with her?

'You don't have to pretend with me, Azriel,' she said, lowering her hand. She studied the ground, embarrassed that she'd come up to him. What could she even offer in her pathetic childlike state when he was so clearly affected by his mission right now?

His hand rose. Her heart faltered, she had to do something, and she blurted, 'Can I wash your hair, please?'

His eyes widened, his entire composure crumbling. It wasn't often that the shadowsinger looked startled, but Elain was far too shy to show that she quite liked the effect her question had on him.

'You want to wash my hair?'

His face was so exquisite, it hurt to look at it. His eyes would be even worse; it wouldn't be the first time she was rendered speechless by their kind gaze. A myriad of colours swirled in their glistening depths - gorgeous greens and brilliant browns, all so natural and rich, if only she could look at them long enough to find their matches in the garden around her. Though, his eyes were an entire spectrum of colour in their own right. How would she ever pick out each and every shade?

And if she somehow did have the courage to meet his eyes now, what would she see of herself in their reflection?

A lovesick puppy? A doe-eyed, fearful fawn?

No, she didn't want to know.

So she swallowed and focused on his hair. Perhaps this Fae eyesight was a curse, for even his hair was shockingly fascinating. Only flat black from a distance, the faelights bobbing about the trees highlighted layer upon layer of silky raven locks up close. His hair was so dark it seemed to absorb the surrounding light. Mud stained one side of his head, and it was an effort to keep her hands from brushing it away, so she said, 'I'm positive that's mud and you shouldn't sleep with that in your hair. It'll only take a few minutes.'

He ran a hand through his hair, clumps of dirt falling out.

'You've managed to get some on your face, too.' There were light specks of mud and blood across his face, a more noticeable patch along his cheekbone, thrown into sharper relief by the faelights and his own weariness. Was that a cut beneath the patch? And another on his temple?

She leashed her arms.

What had happened? He wore the signs of a fight, but why would he come here when he knew Elain was the only one home?

His eyes bored into her face, but she refused to meet them. He seemed to lean forward then, stumbling.

Ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous that he wouldn't even acknowledge he was in need. Azriel rarely stumbled. Any fatigue Elain had felt just a while ago was now burrowing down a little longer. Her voice was firm when she spoke. 'I'm washing your hair. It'll help relax you into falling asleep.'

His brows rose, but if Elain stood there one more moment she wouldn't have the courage to do anything for him. For herself - she could take care of someone else. She could do for Azriel what she hadn't done for Feyre all those years as a human.

And for Azriel, she could tend to the male who'd provided her with comfort and safety in this world of distress and danger.

So she pulled him along, clenching her jaw and refusing to look back. Her heart hammered in her chest but she continued, hand wrapped round his armoured arm. Her hand slid down to his wrist but just as she was about to replace her grip, he grabbed her other hand and pulled her into him.

The shadows instantly began to ensconce them, dozens of those cool tendrils twining like vines. The estate loomed huge before them, and Elain gripped Azriel's hand tighter. 

'My bathroom,' she said. Beneath the low whisper of those shadows, her blood thrummed, her heart so painfully obvious against her ribs now. It would be a wonder if the spymaster wasn't aware of it. Though she did hear another flutter above, right by her ear. But as expected, the shadows made quick work of their journey and she didn't have the chance to dwell on it further.

Now out of the comfort of Azriel's hold, Elain set down her blanket and made to grab a chair from her bedroom. His dark presence was so overwhelming that she exhaled lightly as she entered the room and took the chair. She dragged it to the sink, avoiding his gaze, and pulled a towel, soap and a large jug from the cupboard by the door.

As she settled the soap and jug on the sink, she dared a glance at him. He was still clad in full armour, those black scales gleaming like obsidian over his skin, his Siphons glistening jewels across his body. 'I think you'll have to collapse your armour for this,' she said.

He inclined his head and tapped a Siphon, those scales lashing back into each other with cruel elegance. They were a mirror of their master: cold, controlled and unyielding, forged from scintillating darkness. He was a night sky riddled with stars; light existed if only one bothered to look for it.

Azriel's great wings righted themselves as he stood straight, now looking smaller in just his black tunic and trousers. Something about him seemed vulnerable without the armour, so Elain breathed, 'It's beautiful, all of it.' The hulking armour, the classic simplicity of the tunic and trousers, and the male who wore them all.

He was just so wonderful, Azriel. An enigma that could see her own. Her heart clenched.

Azriel rustled his wings, colour blossoming on his cheeks.

Elain blinked and pulled the chair out a little. 'Please sit.' As he sunk down, she rested the towel on his shoulders, hovering her fingers above his forehead. Her body tensed and her fingers remained suspended. It was like a spark of tension flickered in the space between their skin, teasing her, tempting her, taunting her.

After all, she'd offered to wash his hair, an act that would certainly require touching. But why was she so hesitant? She'd touched him before - kissed his cheek, even. Although that had been in the heat of adrenaline, a mark of her gratitude where a simple thank you wouldn't suffice, not for risking his own life for hers.

This was - what was this?

She finally lowered her fingers through that tense spark, pushing his head back against the sink. It was exhilarating, this contact, but he lowered his wings, shifting on the seat. Elain moved into the space he gave, turning on the tap as he went still. Just as her body was taut, taut as the skin of a drum.

She checked the water. Warm. It was time to start.

Azriel was looking up at her. Something like yearning swirled in his eyes.

He looked so tired. It made her heart ache.

'You can close your eyes,' Elain whispered. And he did.

___

Feedback's welcomed; thanks for reading 😊

If anyone wants to know what the datura flowers look like, CTTO:

@illyrian-lover-flower @julesherondalex @nooriee @mis-lil-red @verifiefangirl @tswaney17

[panic-at-the-fiction]

Hello Darling pt3

Summary: (y/n) is the salvatores younger sister and she is low key in love with one of the originals. You know which one. The only problem is he is a low key psychopath and neither of them remember that this isn’t their first meeting.

Warnings: just harmless flirting

A/N: I’ve been in love with Kol Mikaelson for 3 days now. I’m being forced to watch vampire diaries with my mom and Kol and the rest of the original family are like the only reason I’m still watching it.

You hadn't gotten any sleep last night. You spent 3 hours in the emergency room with Matt because he wouldn't drink your blood. He didn't want to risk becoming a vampire. But you were trying to be a nice person nowadays so you respected his decision and waited with him at the ER. You didn't get home till 4 in the morning, and it took you at least an hour to get out of that stupid dress you had worn. You really wish you hadn't had gone to that stupid party. It had been filled with one disappointment after another, but now you were home in your apartment. With no annoying brothers, no doppelgänger sluts, and no originals. The sun was coming up and you were finally able to get some sleep for the day.

You didn't wake up till about 12 in the afternoon. By the time you showered and left your apartment it was already 1 o'clock so you were shocked when you arrived at your brothers house in time to see Rebekah Mikaelson leaving in the same dress she had worn to the party the night before. She only ignored you and walked out of the house. Not even making eye contact with you.

Damon walked down the stairs barely dressed after having obviously just taken a shower.

"What was Rebekah doing here?" You knew exactly what she had been doing, but you needed your brother to admit it.

"She was just leaving." He smiled and walked away trying to ignore your question. You followed him into the library.

"No Damon, I mean why was she here in the first place?"

"I may or may not have gotten drunk and brought her back here after Elena shut me down last night." He poured himself a drink.

You couldn't help but laugh at your ass of an older brother. It was only a couple hours ago that he accused you of sleeping with an original and here he is brushing off his one night stand like it didn't matter that he's a big fat hypocrite. "You know what? Eat Shit Damon."

"Aww come on (y/n) so what if I slept with Rebekah. Why do you care?"

"I care because last night when you weren't busy fawning over Elena you were slut shaming me for being around an original but today you're sleeping with one of them like it's no big deal. So yeah, Damon. eat shit and see if I care!" You stormed out of the house, not wanting to be around your brother any longer. He was a jerk and he never made an effort to apologize for it. Not like he did with Stefan at least.

You decide it was best if you went back to not caring and day drinking. So you headed back to the mystic grill and picked back up where you left off yesterday, half way through a bottle of whiskey.

By the time ten o'clock rolled around you were on your fourth bottle of whiskey and you were starting to crave something stronger, something that didn't come from a bottle. You looked around the room eyeing everyone in the bar. It was really packed since it was ten-o'clock on a Saturday. You were sizing everybody up to see who you could snatch away and take a bite out of. You notice some girl walking towards the bathroom. You quickly finished your drink and tried to go after the girl. But when you turned to leave your seat Kol was standing in front of you, blocking you from going after the girl.

"Hello Darling, I see your day drinking again. Whiskey of all things. Most girls are into champagne and fruity cocktails nowadays but you really aren't must girls are you." He set his coat on the back of the chair and set down next to you at the bar.

You really didn't want to see Kol right now or really ever. You saw another girl head to the bathroom so you gave up trying to feed from them and refilled your whiskey glass. "Not like most girls? Was that supposed to be a complement? You're gonna have to do better than that after what you did." You kept staring at the wall in front of you. You didn't want to look at him right now. Hell you didn't want him to be there right now.

"Oh yes how is the quarterback? All hyped on vampire juice and healed now?"

"No, he wouldn't take my blood. I had to sit in the ER with him all last night."

"Oh so is that why you're here drinking?"

"Why are you here Kol?" You turned to face him.

"Would you believe if I said that I care about your problems?" You rolled your eyes and you could tell he was just being sarcastic. "Yeah I wouldn't either. I'm not usually the one to care about other people and their problems. That was usually Elijah. Though I do feel different after having been daggered and living in a coffin for so long maybe I can give it go. So how about you tell me your problems and I'll tell you mine?"

You ignored him, just went back to staring at the wall and drinking your whiskey. "Well fine then I'll start first. Today my brother and my mother tried to kill me and all of my siblings, but then your brothers accidentally stopped them by killing my brother, permanently this time, before my mother could complete her spell. So now she's off in the wind trying to figure out how to finish us off."

He took the whiskey bottle from you and grabbed an empty glass to fill it up. You just stared at him, you felt bad about what had happened to him. You couldn't even imagine what he must be feeling right now. "I'm so sorry about what happened with your mother and for what my brothers did. I had no idea they were planning any of this. Which one of your brothers was it?"

"Finn." He downed what he could of the whiskey and refilled. He was obviously having a bad day.

"Were you two close?"

"No not really. He was a lot older and he spent the better half of the last millennium in a box for having a stick up his ass."

"Your family is something else."

He laughed a bit "You're telling me. So what happened to you today? Couldn't be any worse than my day."

"No but it wasn't any good." Kol just kept drinking and nodded along. "Went to my brother's house this afternoon to check in on them and make peace after last night. Turns out he and your sister hooked up last night. So I called him a hypocritical dick for yelling at me last night and for accusing me of sleeping with you then stormed out of the house and came here."

"So that's where Rebekah was last night. I'll have to remember to torment her later with that." He raised his glass and clinked it with yours, "Cheers."

"Cheers." You couldn't help but to stare at Kol. Despite everything he did last night you didn't hate him. He was different tonight, he wasn't cocky and confident he seemed genuine. About an hour and a bottle later. You were both pretty drunk, even for vampires. You found yourself once again wanting to spend more time with the jerk. After everything he did to your friend you still liked him, more than you probably should have. Everything about him just seemed so familiar and comfortable.

You decided it was best that you left before you tried to do anything you might regret. "I should probably get going, it's late."

"Do you need me to walk you home or get you a cab?" Kol started to laugh, "I'm trying to be nice here, I'm not sure it's working for me."

"No, I'll be okay. I don't live far from here." You got up and started to walk towards the door as Kol stopped you about half way.

"Hey (y/n) wait!" He grabbed your wrist and turned you around to face him. "I'm sorry about what I did at the ball yesterday. I was mad at my sister and I took it out on your friend Matt and your brother."

It fell silent between you two for a moment. Kol was still holding your wrist in his hand. You started to laugh, "What's so funny?"

"Nothing, it's just, you're apologizing for trying to kill my only friend and my brother and I've just forgiven you. I'm not even upset about it, Because I've been there before, when you're so mad at someone that you take it out on someone else. It's just so weird I should be mad at you right now but I'm not. Part of me likes you even more now." You just kept laughing at yourself. You were totally drunk off your ass. You didn't even realize you said you liked him out loud.

"Wait did you just say you like me more now? So you actually did like me before?" Kol smiled at you. You were mad at yourself for saying that out loud but glad you got Kol to perk up a bit. You noticed him moving a bit closer to you.

"Maybe" the alcohol was really kicking in. You felt more confident than you had in a long while.

Kol leaned down a bit so you two were closer together "Does that mean I still have a chance?"

"Maybe." You saw him glance down a few times to stare at your lips too. You both were waiting for someone else to make the first move. You were as close as you two could get without touching.

Tired of the waiting, Kol closed the gap between you. He pulled you closer by your wrists before moving his hands to the side of your face. Your hands ran up through his short brown hair. You could already taste the whiskey on him. It didn't take you long before you both were gasping for air and had to pull apart slightly. Neither of you could seem to decide what to say next.

You broke the silence, "You know on second thought I might need a walk home. My place is just two blocks over."

Kol pulled away from you and laughed. He quickly grabbed his coat from the back of his chair. He smiled and held his hand out to you "Well then, lead the way."

I just want to say thanks again to @hellish-ramblings-of-an-emo for helping me edit these and get these first few chapters out here. You have been such an inspiration to me and you make me want to write more everyday!

Also thank you to all the people who have been liking this story and I’ll be posting new chapter from now on every week! I would also love to take request for fic ideas to help me fill up this blog with stories.