#its almost been a week and i havent recovered

[coffee-bat]

yknow i really hoped id bounce back quicker

[all-too-unwell-13]

i've gotten to the point where i think about luke's betrayal constantly.

like, the look on percy's face. the look on luke's face.

luke and his "i didnt know you'd give them to grover to wear."

luke and his "i AM your friend, percy, none of this was meant to betray you."

AND PERCY'S REACTION.

the look on luke's face when percy realised.

percy APOLOGISING when he hurt luke.

the look on luke's face when he saw annabeth.

the sheer regret on his face when he saw that annabeth heard everything.

the acting was so good for that scene. like it was absolutely insane. even though i knew who the traitor was, i was almost in tears and spent the whole scene on the edge of my seat because it was so !!!!

if that wasn't a perfect scene with perfect casting and perfect acting, idk what was tbh

[s4turday-sun]

.

[neurotypical-sonic]

amy is so so relieved when jewel takes over managing the restoration, and that night when she goes home for what feels like the first time in weeks she's almost dizzy with it. she exhausted, still recovering from the whole metal virus ordeal and spent the last half day bringing jewel up to speed on everything happenjng in the restoration. she cant wait to just go to bed and stay there for a little while

and then she opens the door to the apartment and remembers. the apartment she hasnt been able to return to a lit the past few weeks, months, and even when she could it was only for a short while. she was always rushing, always had things she desperately needed to do. the windows havent been opened in ages, and the air smells stale. dishes are stacked up in the sink, take-out boxes litter the kitchen counter and the table near her couch. she cant remember the last time she vacuumed

she almost bursts into tears. she's exhausted and overwhelmed and its fulling hitting just how bad its gotten. shes ashamed that she let it get this bad, that she couldnt keep on top of it, and she feels lazy and gross and pathetic that shes near tears because she couldnt pick up after herself.

she's dead on her feet and just wants to collapse in bed, but she trudges over to the sink to start washing the dishes, even just some of them. theyre disgusting, and when she pulls out the stacks so she can full the sink with water she gags at the smell. but when she reaches into the cupboard she finds that the dishwashing detergent is empty, she hasnt been able to go shopping in forever and the thought of going now makes her want to curl into a ball.

she abandons trying to do the dishes. she can handle that tomorrow. she can start fixing things tomorrow. right now she needs a shower and then to go to bed. the first thing she sees when she opens up the bathroom door is a spider in the sink. she slams the door close. she very suddenly cannot stand being in this house anymore. she knows her bed isnt dirty, just kinda messy, but the thought of sleeping here makes her skin itch. vanilla is usually very receptive of amy visiting, even staying over. she'll go over to vanillas and stay there for the night and then she'll come back and fix things tomorrow

I cant be bothered typing out the rest but basically she really struggles with that whole situation but tangle n some others find out, and tangle organises for amy to be busy with someone else for a day, so that she and some other friends can spend the day deep cleaning the entire apartment :) amy gets back and cries and then they all have a big sleepover

[bridgyrose]

Penny was irrecoverable after the first accident. Her 'brother' Nickle greets the gang instead.

SYSTEM ONLINE…..

SYSTEM BOOTING. 

ERROR. DATABASE CORRUPTED. 

ERROR.

ERROR.

ERROR.

BACKUP SYSTEM BOOTING. 

SYSTEM RUN SUCCESSFUL. 

The words ran through the android’s vision as she, they… it? started to wake up. The room it was in didnt seem familiar to it, nor did the men that were talking loudly next to it as it sat up. The android took a few moments to adjust it’s hearing to catch what was being said, closing its eyes to focus. 

“I-I can get her back up and running but it may take a few days to recover who she was at her core,” the man in the moving chair said as he moved to his desk to pick up a tablet. “We still havent been able to recover her core-”

“Then make a new one,” the other man said calmly, yet sternly as he kept his hands behind his back. “That android is our hope to save Atlas, to save Remnant. If you cannot get it fixed, then maybe I wasted my trust on you, Pietro.” 

Pietro sighed and flipped through a few applications until he came across a few blueprints labeled as Project P.E.N.N.Y. “I… I uh… will do what I can, General.” 

“You have a week to show me progress.” 

The android watched as the General started to make his way away from the room Pietro was in, still confused about what was so important about it. It connected to the Atlas Network to try to learn more, frowning when it couldnt get more information about who it was supposed to be. Only images of a red-headed girl called Penny. 

Pietro made his way back to the room the android was in and sat his tablet down on the table in the middle of a coughing fit. He paused for a moment when he saw the android sitting up, a small smile crossing his lips. “You’re awake. Were you able to recover yourself?” 

“Recover… myself?” The words came out of the android with a slightly deeper voice than Penny had had, almost like someone learning how to speak again from months of being mute. The android caught it’s reflection in a nearby mirror, slowly reaching up to the patchy skin on its face. Green eyes still showed brightly, the bits of synthetic skin that were still covering the mechanical face showed freckles along its cheeks, almost looking feminine. “What… What is my name?” 

“Penny,” Pietro answered as he made his way closer, trying to inspect the android. “If you dont remember, then that means her recovery failed, didnt it?” 

The android nodded, closing its eyes and running through a system check on its body. “Mechanical functions are normal. Network connection working. Penny program… corrupted. Missing key components, backup system N.I.C.K.E.L. running.” 

“Nickel…” Pietro sighed and pulled away from the android. “Not the persona that I was expecting to come back to me, but without the core that houses Penny… That doesnt matter right now. What matters is getting my child back up to running order.” 

“Child?” Nickel asked as it stood up, testing out its joints. “I… I am your child.” 

“You are, and same with Penny. Though, unless we can get her core back and install it into you, I’m afraid she’s lost.” 

Nickel moved his arms, watching the joints through the patchy synthetic skin. “And what will happen to me?” 

“You’ll be pushed back while Penny takes the front again.” Pietro paused for a moment as he looked over the blueprints for Penny, waiting for them to update once Nickel was finished testing his movement. “Though, I dont see how we’ll be able to retrieve it. We couldnt find it on Amity and if its at Beacon, it could be anywhere. Worst case, it was picked up by someone and could be sold to find someone else to make an android like you.” 

Nickel nodded quietly as he finished running through his tests, relieved that his body was able to move and calibrated correctly. “I… I want to stay.” 

Pietro nodded and smiled at Nickel. “Everything has come back as normal, so all we’d need to do now is test your weapons and then we can worry about your looks.” 

Nickel looked at his reflection again, gently moving his fingers over the exposed mechanical bits and wires on his face and arms. “Then, can you make me look similar to Penny?” 

“Are you sure you want that?” 

“I-I do. I want you to have a reminder of Penny, but I still want to be like me. Like a… a brother to her.” 

“If you’re sure-” 

“I am.” Nickel walked over to the mirror and smiled a bit as he looked over his frame. “Penny seemed to mean a lot to you and I… I dont want that to go away.” 

Pietro nodded and grabbed a tablet before heading out of the room. “Take a few more minutes to get used to yourself and then meet me at the training room. I want to see how much more I need to fix for you. Or adjust.” 

Nickel nodded and continued to look around the room, making his way around to find out more about who Penny had been to everyone. He paused for a moment as she saw a picture of team RWBY on the desk, framed with small hearts drawn around Ruby. With a steady hand, he knocked the picture over to keep himself from seeing Penny’s friends. If he was going to stay, he had to avoid as much of Penny’s old life as he could. At least so no one would try to bring her back over him.

[fuck-customers]

manager puts “no $100 bills please” on front sliding door. we haven’t been able to take them for the last couple weeks bc the girl who was fired (for stealing from change fund, thats a diff story for later) fucked our change fund so hard when she stole from it that we havent been able to recover for almost a month.

tell me. what is in the actual air in the grand state of ky that has people lacking in the comprehension dept. like basic reading comprehension would be AWESOME. but there are people who come in here ON THE DAILY with bills around smaller bills, and im just looking at them like. i cannot take that. if it were $70 and above, sure! if have the change. but if its between 20-65, i’m not taking it. ESPECIALLY if youre trying to hide your smaller bills in your hand or your pocket. like. honestly. if you want your change broken that badly and youre so desperate, there’s literally a bank basically right across the street from the store.

addendum: we have a whole change shortage in the county and a water shortage, to rub salt in the wound. the water one happened first.

[eyeless-jack62002]

You know im mentally fucked when im here again

Also to those posting in these tags u can put the squiggle line so ur not jumpscaring ppl and less likely to get reported so fast.

Not me on my 3rd acc. Tho yall really help me stay clean. My partner started back in Novemberish maybe sooner. Right after our 4 y anniversary. And then she just dropped it on me. She knew i was trying to stay clean for her and i was doing such a good job. I only thought about it and would scroll here to "get my fix" its an addiction and i dont think ppl realize that. She brought my favorite drvgs into the house and hid it from me for months. Tho she doesnt even know i have a tumblr. Shes starting therapy now finally. And me too. I have an appt next week. I havent been since i was 12. Im scared. I dont trust therapists. I wish i could just cvt head to toe. All over everywhere. Id be exactly how i wanna be. I want this. But i cant. Gotta be around for my partner. Even tho she didnt want to for me. I told her if she wanted we could together but that we wouldnt be same ever again. I wish shed said yes but thats just jack. He clouds my thoughts with his own. Ik im sick. I wish she never told me. Ive been spiraling for months but i have to shove that down so i can help her get better. I warned her. She knew i was trying ro get better but she still fucking did it behind my back for months!! I almost broke up with her. I wnated so bad to run away and never see her again. But whats the price of choosing to love someone but urself. Id give my entire being up for her and in a way i do. Ive just been so hurt and its all i can think about. I threw away my fucking stash for her!! I regret that somedays. Today especially. We had to drain our fucking saving acc bc of her. She kept skipping work and we kept having less and less financial stability. Still dont but were starting to recover from that but barely. Its like she fucking ignored all of my advice as someone who has been selfh@rming for over a decade. Fuck what i have to say tho. The worst part of it all she cvt the same way and places as my quail as my ruby did. Fucked. She didnt know that tho. And i was finally fucking comfortable with telling her about my self h@arm and she fucking did it anyways. And she told me as if it was her telling what we her having for dinner. I cant even cry anymore over this. Why does this all still bother me. I have no tears left. I admit i screamed a lot. I hit her cvts slapped them. You didnt feel the pain then but u feel it now?? It hurts now? And she said to me "i thought you would have noticed" so snarky. Why the fuck would i think my partner who knows of my history would fucking betraw me like this. And then to be a bitch about it and ask for MY HELP!?!? TEH FUCKING INSANITY. She doing better now tho. Good for her. Ive never been okay. And i dont think i will be. I dont want to get better. Being sick feels too good. And eventually me subbing out cvting for w33d will get old eventually. It always does. Nothing can scratch this itch i have so badly in me. Its like my insides scream to be let out. Its like an energy that flows out with the red. She doesnt understand what cvtting is for me. She said she wanted to die. But knowing you wont die is what keeps me held. I have sold my soul. Im bound. Ruby stopped when we broke up. And i told her i did as well. I know were both liars but thats why ill always have a place in me for ruby. I love my partnerbut if she wants to replace ruby she can be my guest. But replaceing ruby will just make you into a ruby. And no one wants that. I love my partner and im clean for her. Why couldnt she do that for me.

I feel like im in my wattpad days in here. Jacks old diary. But he likes it here better. Anyways if u made it this far enjoy a gif from one of my current special interest show 🖤 -t and jack

[ainelane]

Tw. Depression, suicide

I'm not really looking for comments or anyone to even actually see this post. It's more here to scream into the void and get some of these thoughts out of my head and i am hoping that clears some this sudden clutter.

I was at work today listening to random video essays on youtube when. The essayist began talking about their experience with depression. It's not an unusual experience with it or even anything particularly special but, It sorta just resonated with me and i realized that hadn't really been here... like in reality for a while now. I've been going through motions and living like a robot just doing things. Going to work going home and sleeping maybe every so often I'd come up and be in a moment or two play games with friends or realize i havent been eating and cook breakfast. But for the most part ive just been on a sorta autopilot. I thought. "Its almost like I'm not living at all. I'm just a shell with something piloting it 6 days of the week." Then i had the random thought. "I want to die" it was so intrusive and sudden but it's just in my head now i feel almost like im on an edge and i just want a way out either to just slip back out of my body or fucking die. I dont get it i work hard, i have an okay paying job i found things i enjoy doing but i still feel so fucking empty and sad now and i think I've onlt made it this far because ive been so dissociated with my own life for i dont even know how long that realizing it feels like ive just pushed myself over an edge i cant recover from. I think i need to call some friends. Maybe take a few weeks off work idk what I'm going to do

[skiniibuniii]

probably never got fasting insomnia cuz i kept "recovering" before i reached the point im at rn. heres some shit abt me, my history of eds, and why i think and have been told i have EDNOS. added a read more thing so you dont have to read it if you dont want to.

wow someone likes me lmao jk but,,

when i was 9-10 i had to take one of those tests in school for BMI and i was the heaviest person there. all the kids compared bmis and i just stayed quiet when i was asked. so the very next day i did a week long fast without knowing what the fuck i was doing. i barely drank anything, fainted once and couldnt stand up without my legs giving out. yeahh my mom almost took me to the hospital, and i wanted that til my mom said id be poked with needles so i "recovered". off and on over those next few years, i tried to watch what i ate but didnt count cals (tbh cuz i didnt know how).

I started smoking weed around 11-12 and i started binging B A D. my stomach hurt constantly but i never stopped eating. to the point that my mom finally told me that i was eating too much cuz we didnt have the money for me to keep that up any longer than a few months. and my mom saying "youre eating too much", even though she was worried about me and i knew she was just worried, it totally triggered me again. still didnt know jack shit about eds. i tried to restrict and got into a fast-binge cycle for a couple months. "recovered" again.

tried to die right after i turned 13, got sent to a hospital for 2 months and thats when i learned about eds. started going to this LGBTQ club, met my bf and discovered my gender identity (didnt know abt trans people before that either, thought i was just really crazy), and started to learn about how to be safer. aand this is when it stopped being 100% about how i look, but now it was a 50/50 on looks and weight. got back in that fast-binge bull. got my first Tumblr page somewhere around this time too and was in LOVE loved my blog so much. got into ed tumblr for inspo but obvy that didnt last long. stayed on my main for a long while til (i think) i was abt to turn 16. "recovered".

about to be 14 years old, got back into my shit cuz i got pregnant and didnt know it and freaked out about how ugly i was, dropped to 130 cuz the morning sickness made it so easy to purge (i was and have not since been able to purge via vomit) and i barely ate anyway with cal counting, nausea, fasting, and chainsmoking. i did some drugs aside from smoking around this time and drank a fair amount too. found out i was pregnant, "recovered" AGAIN, stopped doing all that bad stuff and was tormented by my body for another 4-5 months. got up to 225lbs, apparently i gained 85lbs from month 5 to birth. popped out a baby, kid was healthy thank god, tried to breastfeed, yo-yoed between 200-225 for about 2 months, breastfeeding wasnt working and made me want to die with the gender dysphoria, switched to bottles, 2 months after that now we're back. didnt do crazy restriction but exercised like a madman. hated myself really bad. fast-binge you know the deal. bf force-fed me regularly. i fucking gave up. reached 175 before i bounced right back to 200.

now we're 16 its the first of june, gonna be 17 in 14 days. i havent been able to look in a mirror for any reason besides to do my makeup in several years. still 200lbs. havent worn anything that could remotely show how fat i am in years. out of nowhere i decided, "imma get back on my fucking shit. I REFUSE TO HATE MY BODY ANYMORE. I DO NOT WANT TO BECOME AN ADULT AND FUCKING HATE MYSELF LIKE THIS"

"hey, youre 17 now! happy birthday. i know your phone just broke, i bought you a computer! it was a great deal and they said it worked for games too! you said youve been wanting to play that java server, right?"

i remembered, tumblr is a thing! i loved my blog, maybe if i get back into that id be happier.

"ghost blog", gone. i cried quite a bit lmao, but lets start a new one!

and here we are. and i am not doing any fake recovery shit this time.

from what i know, EDNOS includes the off-and-on stuff and i was told by a couple people on my og blog that i dont have ana i have EDNOS.

boom thats my ed life story. and if thats kinda bad yall should hear my whole fucking life story. ive been thinking abt writing a book about it cuz it is actually fucking crazy.

[unwellcryptid]

hi. im an artist who isnt really an artist so much as a guy who happens to draw.

i also have a myriad of illnesses and conditions that fuck with my ability to do that, or to enjoy it.

ive been having a very difficult time making anything i wanna make recently. i say recently, but it wasnt that recent honestly- back in, what, 2020 or 2021, i developed a repetitive strain injury in both my arms, afflicting the muscles responsible for closing my hands and the down motion- both things you kinda need to do when you draw.

i should clarify that i didnt develop this because i was drawing excessively- i cant say ive ever drawn excessively, i dont think im capable quite honestly- but because of how i held myself at all times all the time for basically my entire life.

the RSI (abbreviated for repetitive strain injury because thats A Lot To Type) is responsible for my chronic pain. i hear some people can recover totally from an RSI, but alas i am not one of them.

i started drawing in 2016, and i had decided very strictly to draw Something every single day due to instruction from the artists i learned from, and i had largely done that.

but part of my (attempted) recovery from my RSI was not being able to draw. i knew, before it even began, that if i stopped drawing for very long, i would have an extremely hard time picking it back up.

(this had happened before, in smaller ways. if i didn't draw for a week or two, drawing was a major struggle and i enjoyed it way less, so i didnt draw as much. i almost had to force myself to draw just so i could build a pattern to enjoy it again. the RSI recovery was worse, i wouldnt be able to do anything for months, even if i wanted to.)

and as i predicted, when i stopped drawing for that long, i found it nearly impossible to pick drawing back up. this struggle has continued to this day- ive never been able to draw every day anymore- not helped by the fact the RSI never went away, so drawing can be physically painful if im not careful- but it isnt ONLY the RSI messing me up.

i realized i formed a very strained relationship to creating drawings itself.

its kind of hard to talk about, because i feel totally alone in having this problem. every artist ive ever known or even heard of has all said the same thing, that making art is part of who they are. theyve been doing it naturally, even if they havent been drawing since childhood, its still an easy and simple thing for them to do. most talk about how art got them through depressive episodes and bad parts of life, or how it helps them work through their emotions, or how its part of them recovering energy after a long day.

its none of those to me. drawing has always been a strain, a second step i take in my creativity that i work very, very hard to do. it takes energy, it causes pain, and usually it didnt help me with my emotions. that was never the point of me drawing.

i suspect the reasons why im struggling with art are complex and varied and i feel like its almost impossible to talk about with artists. they never get it, especially not professionals, especially not healthy ones.

so i guess i made a tumblr blog about it. because i wanna talk about it, and the best i can do is make my own space for it.

im not gunna post art here, but the plan is to post about art, and about how i'm handling it, about why i'm feeling this way, and how i'm doing with it day-to-day. i think that might help

[nic0oftheunderw0rld]

trigger/content warning eating disorder vent

I am so god damned tired of having a fucking eating disorder. this shit never seems to get better it only ever gets worse and worse and worse. i am like purging about half of what i eat these past few weeks and like idk its bad but im losing weight. its so stupid cause like it controls so so manyt of my choices i am so tires of it being my reason behind so much of my motivations and actions. no matter how i move on from other things that is the one thing that seems to stay, anf like not only stay but progress and get worse and like cause way way more issues than it has ever fucking been worth. I am so tired of my fucking brain yelling at me for eating, or like for simply not moving enough during the day and then ending up eating. I cant even fucking enjoy almost any food at all and its gonna drive me crazy, if i enjoy it too much i want more and then i have to throw it up. every little thing that causes me issues i decide that the fix to that is for some reason binge-purging and or starving myself or excercising until i cant move. i just want to stop its been like this since i was like fucking 13/14 its horrible i am so so so tired. and like finding eating disorder social media has been amazing in some respects but in others it has made things so so so much worse. I wasnt able to purge before i found a few specific threads on eatind disorder forums, and like eating disorder tumblr and twitter and instagram have given me so so much community and feeling understood but also has given unhealthy tips and habits. and information and images that i will never unlearn. Through them i have met people years ago that i am friends with still and for that i will be so so thankful but the damage it has caused also is quite extreme and i dont know how i will ever come back from it. i havent been able to eat without thinking about the calories or what i have to do or if i should throw it up in years. it fucking sucks im so done. everyone is like you need help you need help you need to eat you need to get it together. talk to me. i can help. i wont eat until you do. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST SHUT UP IT ISNT ABOUT YOU JUST SHUT UP. this is so so much more than i ever thought it would be, i miss my life before i didnt have this, before it was fuciing ingrained. my worry now is if i will ever be able to recover. i have been tracking calories, restricting, bingeing, purging for years now, i dont know how i could ever really grow too far beyond thay it has become such an integral part of my life. i feel doomed. there doesnt feel like hope, there isnt a light at the end of the tunnel anymore, it went out years ago.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[transgaysex]

gwah..

[zyx]

.

[gamebro]

once again clearing out my follow list bc it’s gotten out of hand

[btsdadd-blog]

tw in tags; venting