#its just. really nice. im really happy to have such good friends
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Trigger warning: Drugging, blood, drowning, body horror(both in writing and picture).
Alexa body acke so much her right . Saint Vanilla magic was really powerful, but whatever magic he was using... it's not the same as Pure Vanilla she knew from the game...
Alexa has been walking for a while, not knowing where to go. Her feet hurt, she's hungry, only eating one bite of poptart she had, she didn't have much to sense of direction and only kept going. She wanted to cry. Tears fell down her face as she cried. Alexa got tired of walking and decided to take a small nap... she hopes that this is all just a dream...
The next morning...
Alexa felt the sun on her face. She weakly got up and noticed that she was still in the forest. Alexa sighed and got back to wandering somewhere... After a while, Alexa stumbled across a pink fabric near a river. She wonders where the fabric came from, but it might help with her burn on get right wrist. Alexa tied the ribbon around her wrist in hopes it would help. Alexa got back on her journey, and she didn't notice her clothes slowly changed on its own. By the time Alexa got to a boat, she slowly got in before noticing that her clothes changed into a dress or what locals wear in the hollyberry kingdom. Then, she remembered that she might be near the Hollybarry kingdom! Maybe Hollybarry will help! Alexa remembered how to paddle a boat and strear it, but she was scared of falling in as she doesnt know how to swim. Alexa slowly paddles her way to the Kingdom and feels so happy. But when she got close and was busy trying to get out without messing or ripping the dress, she felt herself being grabbed and thrown onto the deck. She didn't have time to process what was happening before she was picked up by the shoulder and forced to stand up.
"STATE NAME AND YOUR BUSINESS IN THE HOLLYBERRY KINGDOM?!" The guard holding her yelled and demanded.
"U-um im... Blue Cherry...? A-and I'm just visiting a f-friend..?" Alexa was scared and tried to lie about her name.
The guards put her down and allowed her in. Alexa eyes widen in shock from how beautiful the kingdom looks from the game. She looked around and talked to some nice ladies and men. Alexa can feel her bisexuality showing a bit whenever she sees a beautiful lady and man. Alexa explores a bit more, but she is hungry... she was surviving on a poptart with a small bite each day. Alexa saw a really good treat through a window and couldn't help but stare at it. Alexa kept staring at the window and didn't notice someone coming behind her.
"I can buy for you if you want. Hollybarry wouldn't want to see anyone to starve." A male voice spoke.
Alexa turned around and saw Wildberry! Alexa wanted to decline, but she nodded. She was too hungry. Wildberry and Alexa ate together, well, mostly Alexa. Alexa had 3 slices of cake, more than Alexa ate in her life when it comes to cake. Alexa didn't notice Wildberry holding his gomlet like he was ready to use it. Alexa ate with glee and finished her plate.
"Thank you so much, sir. I should be going soon." Alexa got up and continued walking.
Alexa was able to find an inn for a day free. Alexa was super happy when she lay down in bed and fell asleep almost instantly. Alexa woke up in the middle of the night to loud banging. Alexa was scared and ran to open the door, thinking it was an emergency. But Alexa was pushed back and picked up by the neck.
"H-help! Someone help!" Alexa screamed in fear as she begged for help.
"Quiet. Her majesty will be here soon..." Wildberry said.
Alexa has kept struggling and was able to see Wildberry. His look changed... to her, Wildberry looks like a bad guy. I saw what looks like Hollybarry, but... different. She looked scary, and Alexa wondered if that's a real dragon skull. Hollybarry walks towards alexa and Wildberry.
"Ah~ you're the girl Saint Vanilla was talking about. You do look rather odd for a cookie. I suggest you calm with us calmly..." Dragonberry suggested calmy.
Alexa didn't want to listen. Why should she listen? Her room was barged in. Wildberry is close to choking her. But... what choice does she have? She is not very athletic or strong... she is just average. Alexa nodded at Dragonberry command.
"Oh good! What a good child you are! But just to make sure... Guard, inject her." Dragonberry command.
Alexa saw the needle and started to freak out. Alexa started beg and beg to be good, beg to not run. But they guard holding the needle didn't listen. Alexa doesn't like needles but hates needles that have a substance that she doesn't know about...
Wildberry holds Alexa still while the other guard injects the needle in her thoat. Alexa screamed and cried in pain. Alexa tried to calm down cause she knew her freaking out wouldn't help. The needle existed her neck. Alexa slowly felt her body grow tired. The last thing she saw was Dragonberry smiling.
Alexa groaned. Alexa slowly picked herself up but immediately stumbled and fell back down. Alexa probably thinks that she just disoriented.
"Welcome dearie, nice to see you awake! Her majesty asked me for some blood samples! Now i may ask for you to come with me?" A nice cookie lady asked.
Alexa did her best to stand up and follow the nice cookie lady. Alexa had to sit down as the lady cookie took some of her blood. The lady cookie looked surprised that Alexa's blood wasn't Jam. The cookie lady walked Alexa back into her cell. Alexa was scared. She wants to go home... why can't this just be a dream-
"Being all sssssad won't help." A rough voice spoke.
Alexa looked over and saw Pitaya cookie. Alexa was surprised to see him there. Alexa looked over and tried to talk to him, but he didn't say anything else. Alexa gave up after a bit. A couple of days went by. Alexa would be taken to a room, her blood would be taken, then back into her cell. Alexa was given twice as much food as Pitaya cookie. Alexa probably thought that since Wildberry did report how much she ate. Alexa saves her food and makes sure to hide it. Late at night, Alexa does give her leftovers to Pitaya. He doesn't take it, but he takes it when Alexa is sleeping. Alexa was slowly planning an escape. She has to get to her own home. Alexa would do this late at nignt whem they took Pitaya for questioning. Alexa sucked in her gut and squeezed out of the bars. Once Alexa got out, Alexa took a second to stop feeling dizzy. Getting her head out the bars were the hardest and hurt the most. Once alexa felt better, she got up and started to look her way out. Alexa looked through some empty room to find anything useful. All that Alexa could find was some band-aid and a scalpel. Alexa was able to find the main room to see Pitaya and Dragonberry talking, well mostly Dragonberry talking and Pitaya ignoring her. Alexa stayed in the shadows. Alexa stays quiet and slowly walks towards Dragonberry. Alexa took a second before sprinting toward Dragonberry and attempted to take her Soul Jam. If Alexa noticed anything from the Beast Yeast play through of Cookie run, then she knew that the Soul Jam might stop or delay the destruction. But... Alexa only heard Dragonberry laugh. Dragonberry grabbed Alexa from her back and threw her hard against some table where they had some harsh and some unknown chemicals. Alexa screamed and cried loudly in pain. Alexa head hit harshly against the wall. It will make others wonder why Alexa hasn't fainted instantly. The broken glass that holds some of the chemicals has stabbed through one of her hands, parts of her back, some in her feet, and the biggest ones were in her both her arm. Alexa felt the effects of being thrown to the wall. Alexa attempted to get up, but it was hard.
(WARNING: BLOOD, BIT OF BODY HORROR)
Alexa can feel her head bleeding and felt her tears start streaming down. Alexa could taste some of the unknown chemicals that entered her mouth but only a little bit.
"Geez... you ruined our stuff. You know that took a very long time, you little brat." Dragonberry spoke with such venom.
Alexa kept trying to get up, but she was in too much pain. Alexa can see Dragonberry get closer. Suddenly, Dragonberry was pushed to the wall. Dragonberry looks over to see steam coming out of Pitaya mouth. Alexa noticed Pitaya nodding at Alexa. Alexa didn't waste time when Dragonberry was distracted. The guards only focused on Dragonberry and Pitaya. When Dragonberry quickly got up and turned to face Alexa, she found her gone. Dragonberry looked up and saw the door opened.
"Oh... she wants to play Cat and Mouse..? That adorable... After her..." Dragonberry command.
A lot of guards ran out of the room and chacing after Alexa. Alexa hid in a small spot. She hears them run past her. Alexa sighed and waited a bit after they left. Alexa got up after the cost was clear. Alexa whines in pain as her feet are still in pain, if not more. The glass dug itself deeper into her feet. Alexa was able to get outside in the back. Not noticing someone watching her... following her bloodly steps... Alexa was able to get to a boat and climb in, but before she even grabbed the paddle, she was suddenly lifted up by the back of her outfit.
"Well, well, looks like this Cat and Mouse Chase has to come to an end-" Dragonberry didn't finish her sentence when she felt sudden pain in her head.
Alexa started pulling on Dragonberry hair.
Alexa wasn't athletic, but she did have a good grip. Dragonberry groaned in pain when she felt Alexa's tight grip on her hair. After a bit of Dragonberry trying to pull Alexa off, Alexa suddenly let go and kicked Dragonberry under the chin, hoping she would be let go. Dragonberry only laughed at Alexa. Dragonberry didn't need Alexa anymore since she had enough blood from Alexa. Alexa was thrown far and deep into the water.
Alexa tried to swim to the surface but couldn't. Alexa didn't want to die. She tried to gasp for air but the water... tasted like soda. Alexa unknowingly started to try and drink the water, not noticing she was drowning herself. The chemicals. Alexa didn't feel herself slowly sinking into the water. Until something grabbed her and made her sink deeper...
"Coooo..."
Creator of this au: @cuppajj
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clenches fist. i fucking love my friends so much
#like. idk. this time 4 years ago i was in a friend group that was mega toxic and i didnt see it at the time#but now? like? i have not one not two but three amazing friend groups online where i dont feel like i constantly have to censor myself#or act cooler than i am#i dont feel judged#i dont feel like im walking on eggshells#its just. really nice. im really happy to have such good friends#blows a kiss to the revorilution server and the fetrans server and the ladies theydies and a ho group chat#love yall#and ofc my other friends that arent in any of those groups but who i love dearly. i miss yi city i wish it were more active. i love yall#jask#beyonders chat#my old fq friends#love you all#thank uou for making me feel accepted
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I DID MY COMEDY PERFORMANCE TODAY!!! in front of like 200 people!!! and i didnt stutter or forget what to say!!! and people laughed!!!
#i wasnt THE funniest other performances got better reactions but that was largely because the people performing were popular#point is people laughed !! two girls i barely know came up to me after and said i was really good! (thank you nikita and i forgot your name#and according to one of my friends some mullets were making fun of me during my thing and then a popular girl behind them was like#hey stop dont do that#so thats cool#and the girl whos lockers next to mine also complimented my comedy thing after so that was nice#+ one of the other ppl performing who i used ro be super good friends with (years ago) was very engaged and laughing which was nice :-)#we may not be close friends anymore but yk its nice to still get along 👍#also two of my friends also performed and they did well too ‼️ it was very cool#anyway im very proud of myself for being able to perform in front of that many people cos i have literally never done that#the last time i spoke to an audience of more than 30 people was year 4 assembly and that was like 100 ppl max#so yea im very happy lol. especially considering that the past three years weve been doing persuasive speeches instead of comedy#(comedy was introduced this year to try it out instead of persuasive speeches)#and for the past 2 years ive done my speeches to just the teacher and a few friends cos i dont like giving persuasives to the whole class#(which i still feel tbh) but like. i can do comedy and play a character in front of an audience! which is pretty awesome
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Feeling a debilitating sense of dread and despair 🤨 Which probably means nothing😍👍
#girl help i cant get out of bed i feel so so awful for no reason at all#literally my soul is gone or something#i have no desires and no joys and no sense of being blessed#which is crazy bc i love life and im so blessed ! usually.#ig i should do something abt it tomorrow if it doesn't get better#alternatively get back into therapy bc tbh... after that horrible sex thing ive felt kinda off#like even after i was able to eat and sleep and function normally without the tremors and head jerks and whatnot#like its not dramatic anymore but i kinda feel drained of life and joy#moments of genuine happiness and fulfillment are ... ? idk. i did feel happy once this week and that was nice but it didnt last obviously#but like ! im not depressed in a depressed way. i take good care of myself and i read my books and eat food and hang out with friends#i just kinda dont recognise myself ig. i mean i know ill get my spark back but maybe i need some professional help#idk !! it kinda feels very silly tho#like ive been in and out of therapy for more than half of my life. and being one year therapy free was a big step for me !#so going back for this little ridiculous freakout feels like a setback#kinda like im making up things to be wrong with me just so that ill have someone to talk to ? or to have attention idk#it doesn't make sense bc i really was proud for getting bettter and i rly dont want to be in therapy anymore#but who knows 🤷♀️#there is also this slight risk. just clinically speaking by purely looking at symptoms of certain things. with no stake in the matter! lol#that there might be something bad and [lets not think too hard about it] that lies as a root cause of my little mental breakdown#like according to my sex having friends losing your virginity is awful but not THAT awful and not in THAT way#and my friend kinda said i scared her with how i was acting when i talked to her abt it. like my demeanour and body language and whatever#and i do trust her to know whats normal versus concerning when i dont have my own stable grip of reality#plus. if i was an outside party and applied my psych education on myself. i would say its not looking super good#but i cant really do that bc im not some random patient. im me myself and I 😩✋️ thank you#but whatever. itll be fine. tomorrow will be a better day ! yay !
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...
#me @ my youngest sister at 6.30 this morning: yooooooo can u draw me a fishy so i can get it tattooed on me?#i drew her some flowers so i want a paralell tattoo with her initials bc she has my initials on her#but i literally have not spoken to her since like may bc i do not talk to my sisters unless we r in the same room. no hate we just dont hav#a lot in common. it makes me a lil sad tho bc im curious abt them. my youngest sister is at least nice to me 😭#ive been thinking abt asking her for ages and last night i was asked abt my sisters so i was like. the time is now#while im still a bit elevated#which has been to my advantage bc i was able to stay v chatty and energetic while talking to ppl. and i think i made some friends#we bonded over fic reading. so theyre a bit. ya kno. girls gays and theys of science#we make the world go round. but its so interesting to hear them talk abt coming to school here bc they both liked where they were and r#leaving their support systems. and im like bruh if i didn't leave the southwest i was gonna die. im so happy to b here#support system? whats that. i talk to my parents once a month and that's it lol. but im gonna try to establish one here#and try to actually make actual friends. this school is way better abt making grad students interact#my last school was not at all like that. but anyway i had fun#and i mean im only at the start of the semester. and im in a good mood. and i kno things will get stressful#but im just really happy i got accepted here#and the longer im here the more clearly i can see how much i was suffering#the funny thing is tho that i wrote this last night and only hours later i was squirming in frustration bc the fact that im back in therapy#means i feel a greater obligation to not b actively self destructive. evil coping mechanisms my beloved#this is y my mum wanted me back in therapy bc im a goodie 2 shoes and when my counselor is like: did u do X the next time i see her. ill b#honest and itll b annoying >:-[ ugh#its just hard for me to b around ppl a lot bc i get stuck in mental loops bc ocd. which is exhausting. and i want it to stop#and i want to do bad things to make it stop but i wont bc im trying to b better#its just funny to me that ill go from everythings awful to everythings great i shoukd talk to my sisters and make friends and do this and#this and this. to oh god i cant do this anymore in such short time frames with certainty that how im feeling is how ive always felt#ive also noticed that my peaks of high energy do come before stressful events. which does make me worry for future stressful events. like#defending. i mean ive never gone fully off the tracks but its a lil alarming when it feels like the train is going at a million miles an hr#unrelated#meanwhile my other sister is apparently in Colorado but when i saw the pics is was like: YOU BITCH#R U CLOSE TO ME RN??? but no. Colorado is far away
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.
#the way that ive known my boyfriend not even for two whole months and weve been officially together for a month only#but ive already been invited to two weddings and a birthday party#its wild to me#and its also sooooo so nice#bc all his friends are genuinely so happy for him#and everyone ive met so far has been so nice and welcoming and open to me#and like i havent even met the guy who invited me along to the birthday party#also just in general.#life is really really good right now#like i finally feel like im finding some inner peace and have the time and space to calm down and just live life#the past 5ish years have been hell and so stressfull and anxious and full of isolation and panic and one prolonged crisis that were all#the final exams of my 8 1/2 years of lawschool and becoming a lawyer#and now its all just. Good.#and he is a big part of it#he showed up just at the right time#and its weird to be all like that after A Months#but its a if you know you know kinda thing#And i know he feels the same#because he keeps telling me how he feels and thats how he feels and aaaahhh#im all mushy about this#i wont see him for 4 whole days bc im gone for a long weekend and thats actually the longest amount of days we havent seen each other#since our first date#it was 3 whole days between date 1 and 2#and i dont think we even had that again since then#personal#i am genuinely so happy and in peace and its just the nicest feeling#okay anyway thanks for tuning in#bye
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the perspective of looking at new jersey apartments again makes me glad im living where im at now, honestly ... ^^ ''
#i SO wish i could hop over there though ... the price of living is SOOO high and the pay doesnt match even a little#its bad everywhere .. but new jersey's got a special kind of sickness like that because of its nyc proximity#everyone lives there and commutes to the city like 1.5hrs away for the better pay . but i just lived there lol#i feel like compared to here everything in jersey's tinged an ''old'' way ..#i dont know how to describe it but EVERYTHING from the stores to the apartments has a ''grandma's house'' feel#a ''hasn't been updated in 40+ years'' feel#and austin's so new and booming. apparently. but i agree it doesnt have that old tinge to it#the apartment im living in isnt new. but it isnt old either. it doesnt have the feel to it#i thought it was just nostalgia speaking but looking at nj apartments today was like. oh wow. its nice to know im not going crazy#this same apartment in nj would be SO SO SO much more expensive. people here complain about prices (they SHOULD. its bad)#but looking at where i was and why i HAD to move elsewhere .. i remember now yknow. this place is a luxury i could never have had in nj#which doesnt mean its good. its sad. i wish things were different. i DO .. sort of .. wish i never moved out here to begin with#but im glad im here. i feel like ... you know when a hero goes on a quest and makes friends along the way and then .. doesnt return home ..#even though the quest was supposed to be a transitory period .. yknow .. maybe im just home now#atleast awhile longer. im happy calling here home awhile longer#i do kinda miss that old tinge to it. i always said everything in nj was like .. ''tinged yellow '' .. and it really is. yknow.#i just need to put some antiques and lighting into my apartment. lol. feels just like home
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today was good!!!! but i am!!!! very tired!!!!!!! :D
#i thought today would be bad bc of certain past stuff#so i was kinda bracing for it#BUT IT WINDED UP GOOD.... im happy#good day at work but i think i got more exhausted that my brain just kinda kerplunked on itself#i got to see my friend but we didnt talk much he was just passing by :]#worked w my director who is honestly really nice ajfjdjdjs#tbh i thought she hated me when we first started and wELL I KINDA STILL THINK SHE DOES#im such a dumbass at work so i feel like i just get in the way all the time but#today actually went pretty ok and smoothly jdjdjd minus end of the day#OH AND IT SNOWED BUT I WAS STUCK INSIDE#i basically looked out the window like 🥺🥺🥺🥺 wanting to go out but nooo i couldnt#the consultants all went out to take photos iTS UNFAIR (STOMPS THE GROUND)#anyways. i cant believe i have to study after all this. how cruel 🤧#there wasnt snow when i left sad chirp noises :<#it wasnt enough snow to cover the ground so it was a very :< walk back home. and freezing but you know#anyways its been nice so :) happy.#i need tea.#its near 5 but i need energy to study fjdjdjsk#work logs#snow speaks
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such is my anxiety that for whatever reason I feel like if I post too many silly little "My friends are awesome and I love them" things that said friends will start to think I'm being
idk the word for it but like over the top or annoying or pandering about it
that I'm just doing it for attention or something
and I don't know why I think that cause i know I wouldn't think that if someone else was doing it
I don't know anxiety is just silly like that
#anyways i should just make the posts whenever i feel like it#i like doing it because i like my friends and i want to make sure they remember that they are wonderful#and that im very happy to get to be friends with them#and yes that includes you even if we only really speak briefly ever month or so#i have no concept of time and understand that there's a lot that can get in the way of just chatting#a lot of that is on my part as well i am not a good conversationalist and i am not the biggest social person either#i appreciate tumblr a lot for that kind of thing#parallel play and all that#can leave little notes for people without direct interaction#its nice#i probably had more i wanted to say but its laye and I'm sleepy#*late
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its my moms birthday and i feel bad but like i dont wanna go celebrate
#i dont feel that connection so it just feels like im imposing yk? like id rather them go and have fun instead of having to deal with me#tbh i only care abt a couple birthdays#my friends' and my cousin's and... some fictional characters lol#wait no its not like i dont careee but it just feels like how youd tell a coworker or acquaintance happy birthday#like oh thats nice good for youbi hope you have a really good day but im not gonna go spend the day with them#des rambles
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good lird you guys like that nnk art
#WHICH IM HAPPY FOR. IM GLAD YOU GUYS ARE LIKING IT#just feels strange to toss it all out there without really knowing who its going toward#im too used to not posting art at all and just sharing it with friends#wondering if theres still like. a place to chat about it or whatever#i saw a discord link from like years ago and i wasnt gonna touch that bc that mightve been Weird#im not even good about being active in public servers either but it would be nice to be in regardless#i wanna talk about the game...... i only have like one friend who knows what the hell im talking about......
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I don't think I've ever been in a relationship this healthy before I don't know what to do 💀
#mine#🎸#DUDE my feelings are so weird like i cant even describe them cause theyre all over the place. im hoping someone sees this and sends me an#ask or something with advice if this is even gonna make sense. because i am so confused lmfao#First of all im always expecting something to go wrong so i feel like it might be the absence of Problems thats throwing me off#But he reassures me all the time and genuinely cares about me? in regards to my last post we talked about it and he comforted me#i feel like im kind of in an emotional limbo where im still processing everything. my yan moments make appearances more than my dere#i feel so cringe saying that as a native english speaker. well im here to express my feelings not to be judged <3#but i definitely FEEL the jealousy more. like i exhibit both equally but im more emotional in a bad way than a good way#but its not cause of anything hes doing at all! hes perfect?! i dont know how to handle it!! i only know how to be jealous#at least if im mean im not as likely to get hurt and thats why im afraid to feel lovey things as much??? im making myself sound like#a bastard but ive just been feeling more anxiety and getting worried about Relationship Stuff and that kills the vibes#but he doesnt even mind he doesnt treat my problems like a burden. he isnt sick of them he doesnt abandon me. he loves me and i am still so#bewildered? like. hes the nicest guy ive ever dated. ill gush about new people i meet but they do have flaws. i just dont acknowledge them#because im so blinded by idolization. but for this one ive thought everything out i have PONDERED for so long and he really is just such a#good person. how? WHY?? he has not done anything wrong and its just my mental illness that causes ALL the problems. but he wants to#BE there and comfort me. what the fuck my brain is like short circuiting. people this nice exist? he doesnt want to use me??#and ofc this is all in the romantic sense. i still have friends that i value very much but this post is focused on romance#watch me say all this then he does something horrible. <-SEE IM SO NEGATIVE i expect things to go wrong#my main problem is im confused about my feelings they feel very tangled and muddled. im happy of course but i feel like the part of me that#feels romantic happiness/genuine satisfaction is all fucked up and broken. but he doesnt mind that im this way 🥲 WHY#HE ASSURES ME EVERYTHINGS OKAY he is there for me he cares about me but i cant wrap my head around it! im. this is so weird#one of my goals is to be less focused on being insane and actually get things done. w all my relationships i have a time blur thing#where i feel like time passes differently even more than it does for me. im just thinking so much bruh#right i think i was gonna go about getting adderall because of the everything all the time. im feeling numb but also#literally every emotion all at once. and it consumes me and my waking thoughts. i guess it was easier to ignore before?
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ok ive drafted a lot of mental health posts bc theyre rambly and i guess im having some hyperaware night bc ive been shooting down my own unhealthy thoughts which is good but a bit frustrating.
however. bit of a yearning moment for me but God fucking damn what does a girl have to do around here to be held
#nightmare.personal#its funny i actually am pretty touch averse bc a lot of places upset me#such as the waist which is a popular spot for hugging i hear#but u know. i just think itd be nice.#loving yourself is cool bc u can be your own best friend and own lover basically but it would be nice to not have it just be me#like is it easier to just be on your own and love urself and keep urself happy and thats enough? yeah its way easier#is it as fulfilling to have to like. just be. and exist. like that.#not really no. its good sometimes and bad sometimes i think#its alright. i think i just need to be patient which#for all of my wonderful qualities ive acquired voer the years. im not very good at waiting
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good eve hope u all r well 😇😙💗✨
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#exam scores r pretty good YAYYY i'm just a bit disappointed for bio but i reached my goals for earthsci & physics hehe#i got perf on physics even ... which is rlly amazing tbh bcs i am the only one in my class and the rest have at least 3 mistakes#and only what. 5 of us. have above 40/45 KDBWJABSJDH#SHS IS DIFFICULT GUYS but not for me w physics ^_^ teehee. me and my twin!!!#i'm just rlly proud of myself yay :D it's really funny tho how FOR SOME REASON SO MANY OF MY FRIENDS KNOW..... how did news pass like that#wtf it's funny bcs my friend behind me in class was like 'apollo' when my teacher was like yo 1 person in this class got perfect and i#shook my head but tbf i was confident i got perf. then boom. it's me. KDBSKDN IT'S SO FUNNY BCS THAT SAME FRIEND who i love btw THEY BRAGGED#TO THEIR OTHER FRIENDS WHO R MY FRIENDS ON MY BEHALF it's cute tbh but yeah#and then my twin's class... one of the nice ppl there learned i got perf and told the other ppl in the class JFSHJDJS JUST SOME OTHERSBIN#IN CLASS BUT THAT'S CRAZY and then i learned rn that my other other friend knows................................ it's amazing tbh#i'm just really happy with that lol and for everyone else too who did what they could ^_^ uhh generally speaking!#anyway AGHH ARTEMIS GOT BG3 TO WORK RAGHDGDHEHEHW DHRGAHDJGJEK REGHDJGHEOFJ#apollo screams in tags again like its his newspaper so true HFHSJDJSJ HIII GUYS !!! hope u all are well <33#new seating arrangement for 2nd half of this sem and i'm . bit scared since im in the front#which idm but my seatmate is the one person i hate in my class <3 aside from their friend lol#i have my reasons aha i only hate really irresponsible people or maarte rich kids who use their money to cheat or get out of trouble#but at least my other kinda seatmate is another friend in class :(( <3#the real awkward thing tho is my actual seatmate is uh a group member we just kicked from our research group bcs she's irresponsible as#shit. lots going in there but let me just tell u she has 20+ absences 3 months into the sy and according to the school. not valid enough#excuses lmfao. girlie has a twin too and always cheats so i'm not surprised ^_^ i hate super rich kids !!! that flaunt it off !!! argh#anyway tea over yruchfhfhsh i only realt hate ppl like that ... anyone else is ok w me ^_^ yay#raghh good evening !! u all rest well !! esp in the ph bcs it seems like it's sick season D:
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floats gently facedown in a river & gets swept out to sea
#so u see im trans but visible in a very lowkey babysteps way i only just started going by my name a few months ago and i dont really hide th#at im trans i tell ppl my pronouns and stuff if they ask! but im shy i dont introduce myself w threm and i dont pass either so like i still#get misgendered n stuff but ppl use the right name at least now#ANWYAY. so like im out but not Out yk#anyway part 2 i was leaving a thing and someone ik pulled me aside and asked me a question on my preference for something gender segregated#and it was so thoughtful and kind and no one has done that for me before and i really didnt know what to do 😭 its really nice to know that#i can do things quietly and people will still notice and care (in the good way). i mean hes probably overheard my friends using he/him#pronouns for me but still it was so thoughtful and considerate :(#todya has been wild my intrusive thoughts have convinced me my mom died twice today (shes in perfect health dw) and i think im finally#discovering how to hold the small happinesses close each day and letting the suicidal ideation ease away and i think im figuring out how to#live better. im hoping im looking forward to the future again im breathing 1 heavens cloud at a time#n now im just laying here lsitening to this is a life mitski on repeat and feeling like wvery emotion#WELL. that was a really long rant(?) thanks for reading . how are u all :3#i wish i could erase the word like (filler word) from my vocab Its just progresively getting worse all i say is like 50 times a sentence 😭😭
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#im so serious you probably do not want to read this i just needed to verbalise my words and be embarrassing#like dont read this. its a vent. its a depressing post. just scroll on and be happy today#...........................................................................................................................................#no because i actually dont like being alive. like this is the worst.#i can talk up and down about how beautiful the earth is and how lovely nature is and how great people really are#but it doesnt matter when i dont have the courage to go see any of that or the means to actually travel to places that are beautiful#not even if theyre in my area because the city isnt walkable#but i still have friends who i talk to every single day and i have things set up so that i am actually speaking to people like dnd#or watching stuff with zhari or even impromptu things like playing games and having people watch or multiplayer shit#and thats all well and good but i always know for a fact that i am going to fuck it up and i dont know how to curb that#i dont have money for therapy i dont have a job that works me consistently the resources that i have found dont work for me#and i know this because i have tried for years to be a better person and theres just nothing in the world that could ever make me good#like im not a fun person to be around right? im not kind and i dont know how to speak to people and im generally awkward and mean#i can swear to myself that ive changed that im better that im not the person i was when i was 14 but i havent changed. im not better#and i dont know how to be better#i dont provide any value to the people around me. at all#im just baseline a piece of shit and sometimes i do a nice thing for people sometimes im NICE and it makes people think that im kind#but im not i just did a nice thing and that doesnt make a kind person#we can try and coddle me forever and ever but we all know that its not going to be long until You know. It's all over#as in im alone again as i should be#i dont think i really care about people leaving me anymore because to be so real i deserve to be alone#i should be isolated until im no longer a piece of shit who cant be a normal kind person#and if that point never comes then like well . but its been so long and so much time where ive been this way that its like#we all know the day is never coming that ill be better than this#i really should just extract myself from people's lives already. like i need to be someone that people hardly know or speak to#it would be better that way for everyone involved#and people can come back and be like 'oh dont trust your thoughts when youre going through seasonal depression'#'dont trust your thoughts when its late' but i feel this way all the time it just gets more intense in the summer#i dont just become a better person when fall hits this is a consistent thing with me that im a piece of shit#and EVERYONE knows it
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