#its more like compulsive heterosexuality

[bookishforce]

ugh

[itsyourcoffinnowmylove]

there aren't any men in my life that aren't family members and I just can't even tell if I'm a lesbian or if I don't experience attraction/crushes to guys bc they're all related to me

[sewerdraws]

Zach! Hello, howdy, g’day! Hope its goin good for ya :D

I have heard the Lawry lore but, other than in correlation w/ Lawry, have heard precious little about Niko. I am formally inquiring the Niko lore, Plz

Okay thats all :] (<— still doesn’t know how to type an ask like a normal person)

Niko time !!!!! His ref and biography already exist here but this is a fun opportunity for more lore !!

Lore wise he's in a parallel RED team to the canon one. Absolutely hated by all of his team except the pyro (likes witnessing chaos) and the scout (who's not related to him but also a shithead so they Tolerate each other. asshole solidarity yknow). He's hated mostly because of his awful attitude (aggressive, abrasive, makes demeaning comments and doesn't mind getting personal, stays isolated, lives in a flat outside of base etc), basically picture a high school girl bully, but with deadly weapon and intelligence gathering skills.

Went through a very chaotic, up-and-down life up until his days at Mann.co which are basically the best days of his life : he has plenty of money, is dealing in the legal which he prefers, while still making good use of his combat, intel and seduction skills.

[CW for suggestive and unhealthy content, as well as discussion of internalized homophobia]

OH YEAH seduction is a big thing for Niko. Goes through college exploring homosexuality, gets that beautiful world crushed beneath his feet, homosexuality becomes a perverse thing to him during his time in prison and opens up to years of compulsive heterosexuality and trying to prove himself through seduction. Despite his awful "real" personality, he can put on one hell of a persona when needing to seduce someone. That's a skill he discovers early and uses throughout his whole life.

But you can only repress your identity for so long and in his later years before Mann.co he starts going to bars to absolutely wreck himself on booze and pick up young men / get picked up by older men. It's very much a despair thing and not at all a pleasurable self discovery experience. Every time he does it he digs deeper in the denial and feels disgusted at himself.

Lawry is pretty much his real "gay awakening" at around 40yo, and it very much just starts with "oh that guy's obsession is pitiful, i'm gonna entertain it" and completely backfires over years of agonizing toxic back and forth. The layers get even thicker when he finally starts considering the idea that he might be gay only for Lawry to hit him with "hey so i'm not entirely a bloke ?"

i love his annoying ass so much you can ask anything u want about him <333

[tookthe-405]

On our way

Flashback 1: We were younger…

(I wanted some more backstory I’m sorryyy)

DAILY CLICK 🇵🇸

DONATIONS 🍉

(Not so loserish)ellie x fem!reader

a/n: some fluffy flashback from when they were 14 to give some happiness :)

Max and Chloe coded!! (Just realised that wtf)

put my whole childhood homoromantic friendship into this 😪

RILEY MENTIONED!?? they did you dirty my love

c/w: compulsive heterosexuality?!(not much though), a chicken heart?😭, a bit of fighting (ofc!), jealousyyyy, panic attack (yes again)

⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆ ⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆ ⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆

(Reader and Ellie are 14)

(4 years ago)

Readers pov:

9/14

Whatever negative, people say about eighth grade, it's true. Eighth grade sucks. Seventh grade is manageable. Sixth grade? fine but Eighth grade was a new level you didn't know you had to go through. Few weeks in and its already a nightmare for you and all your friends. Thank god you found some.

When you got into middle school a few years ago, you and ellie managed to persuade joel to send ellie to the same school as you. Which wasn't a hard decision for him, because in a small town in Boston, he didn't have that many options.

But you didn't get into the same class, which was quite scary for you at first. Ellie, on the other hand, is good at talking to people, sometimes a bit too well, and then she says things that she should probably have kept to herself.

However, you had problems at the beginning of the 5th grade. The fear of being rejected by people you studied with for a years had haunted you.

Some of the classes were mixed together and you still remember how quickly you scanned the room, so you could find ellie to sit next to her, and unsurprised there were a few people around her laughing. You stood next the crowd, too shy to get Ellie's attention. She didn't notice you at all at first, but talked and laughed with the classmates around her.

That was the first time you felt afraid of losing her to people who are more In so many patterns. For a few seconds, you just stood there and watched her. Her easy-going but also attentive nature, which attracted people like the light a moth.

It was like magic.

She played with the feelings and laughter like water. Light in her hands, without meaning and purely out of feelings, but so careful. This was her stage, she was in her element, and you would always just sit in the audience, with an astonished and envious gaze.

But then she saw you and brought a gap through the crowd to show you that she had secured a free seat for you, with her backpack.

But today it is no longer the case. Eighth grade is a lot of shit, but you've finally made friends in the meantime. For a matter of fact, you're talking to one right now, but you're too engulfed in your thoughts.

"Hellooo you still there?"

Your body stiffens and you quickly turn away from the window, into the direction of Isabella .

"What?" you completely forgot that you are currently in biology and In the company of a friend… and that you still needed to finish a partner project.

Isabella giggles softly.

“You’re always doing that, what is your head thinking about?”

she playfully taps your forehead with her index finger. You grin slightly and wipe her finger out off your face.

“Nothing I’m okay”

“I Hope so because we Are supposed to dissect a chicken heart and not stare out the window”

A glance at the table and there is the chicken heart she’s talking about.

“Yeah no thank you” you say with a grimace that makes her laugh.

“It’s okay we can google the tasks at home, this is torture.” She sighs, puts the lid over the heart and takes of her gloves, you do the same nodding.

“So” she turns to you again with that curious grin of hers.

“What have you been daydreaming about the past few days?”

You let out a nervous laugh and wave your hand in the air.

"nothing what am I supposed to dream about, so…"

She raises her eyebrows reproachfully, she knows how you lie.

"You don't have to tell me, but is it a certain someone who starts with E?"

Your blood freezes with shock, but also respectful fear, of her alleged knowledge.

"what i don't know who you mean" Sweat forms on your palms and you quickly rub them together so that they don't Stupidly betraye you.

"I guess I hit the bull's eye, I knew you liked him?" Your forehead frown on its own and your stress sweat turn into anxiety sweat.

"Him?"

Isabella nods. "Eliza, you like him… Right"

The first two letter almost give you a heart attack but then you just frown at her.

she seems confused by your confusion, you turn around slow, as you are sitting in the first row, to stare at the boy in the last corner.

He just laughed and pressed the chicken heart into his sitting partner's face.

Ew.

Isabella doesn't seem to notice how disgusted you are, because she gives you a promising and excited look. Something pushes you to lie, you couldn't control it even if you tried.

"Yes, that's it" a sad smile on your face as you say the words.

Before she can react, the door is opened in a loud swing and ellie is standing in the doorway, grinning, behind her a few boys and girls.

"Hey" she gives you a warm smile that you knwo all to well, her arms resting on the table.

Then she looks up at Isabella emotionlessly.

"Isabella"

"Ellie" she replies dryly.

Yes, the two don't like each other very much. Then ellie's smile turned, quickly, sending it back to you.

"Aren’t you done yet?"

"No, young lady, they are not, and you knock before you come in" Ms. Perlow's voice booms through the room.

Any normal student would be scared, which justifies this woman is scary, but ellie isn’t sacred at all.

Grinning, she raises her arms in the air, as if she’s been caught stealing. A few children giggle at her gesture, but the older woman doesn't think it's so funny.

"Ellie, it's the same every time, you make a clown out of yourself for God's sake, leave this task to the boys"

Mrs. Perlow looks away for a moment to massage her temples with her thumbs and pointing fingers, which you felt a bit sorry for, she was soo old. Ellie of course doesn’t care.

She quickly rummages for something in her jacket pocket and nimbly presses a small piece of paper into your hand.

"Okay, till next time, Mrs. Perlow," she calls into the room before disappearing out the door.

"I hope not," the teacher murmurs audibly, however, and whispers break out again, in the classroom.

Your fingers try quickly and unevenly to open the note.

Meet me at the new dinner down the street, I’ve got news and please don’t bring Isabella along

- your favourite person ever

P.S your hair looks pretty :)

With each step, you tousle the autumn leaves on the ground. It was kind of fun though, so you didn't stop, the scurrying sound of the dead plants in your ear.

Ellie mentioned a new dinner, which you have already drove by once with joel. After a few weeks ago, you passed by the former tourist center, which was soon to be renovated into a dinner.

Ellie thought it was better right away, because there is no one who wants to look around here in a small town Beverly farms. The eastern side of Beverly wasn't really interesting, she was right, but you always thought the little town was cute.

Here is everything you need and you have the sea right in front of your nose.

As you walk down the street with your backpack on your back, you think about what Ellie must have meant by "ive got news".

Before you know it, you'll be standing in front of the new store. "Seth's dinner". It actually looks very cozy, the light inside seems warm and a few people have already become aware of the place.

It seems to you just in autumn, very hopeful? A new beginning that is going well, a small but beautiful change in this small town. When you open the door, the door snorts cold from the air, the pleasant air surrounds your face.

There also seems to be a bar, graceful bottles on the wall and behind the counter. But otherwise it seems to be a normal dinner. Greasy smell of fries, burgers and beacons in the air, but on the order table it is written (in beautiful handwriting) that there should also be donuts and pancakes in the morning. In the evening, the bar opens.

At the counter, an older man is eyeing you, who is drying a glass. You've never seen him before, and he looks spooky right away.

Your head turns in every direction until you see the waving hand of Ellie, who had held a seat across from her in a corner of the table. It looks a bit like the dinners in Joel's old movies.

With a loud noise, you drop your bag and sit down opposite her. You let out a tired sigh, but then you notice Ellie's excited look. You shrug your shoulders uninformed.

"What?"

"Wait, I want to order before I tell you"

Her legs were constantly wriggling with hustle and bustle and you can't help but smile a little. The waiter came to your table and you two ordered 2 fries.

"Okay, tell me now" you say

Something good releases in your chest, you suppress the distracting feeling before it could reach the surface. The sparkle on ellie's face made you nervous in various ways.

"Okay, but promise me you won't be angry, ok?"

Okay, so the bad nervous feelings won. You strain straighter, ready for whatever might come your way.

"How old are we ellie, you don't always have to say that, when you've done something"

Ellie laughs so bright, that sound that you appreciate so much every time, as if it gives you water just before you dry out.

"remember how We wanted to go fishing with Joel this weekend"

You shake your head.

"You wanted this, not me ellie"

"yes, anyway, and you know Riley, don't you? From my English course"

Your shoulders slumped, just as you were about to answer, your order arrived. The old man from the counter. You automatically avoid eye contact. As he quietly, almost like a ghost, puts down the plates in front of you, he stops abruptly and stares at ellie's legs.

"Can you stop fidgeting like that, it drives me crazy"

His voice is exactly how you imagined it, rough, a little hollow somehow and he sounds like he's been a smoker for 10 years.

Ellie looks after him with a pissed expression on her face and starts shaking her legs even more out of provocation.

"Whatever, Riley wanted to come this time and her parents allowed it, isn't that cool"

You're not as enraptured by the idea as Ellie is and you tap with the tips of your fingers, and an unpleasant feeling in your stomach, on the table a little rhythm.

Ellie's foot bumps against yours and you look up at her even before she grabs your hand.

"Now I understand what the old man means, it really makes you nervous" she Chuckles and you just feel her hand for a moment. It lightens yours gently, but not considerately, as physical contact is normal between you.

Or at least it should be. But her fingertips triggered a wave of heat that spread to your face like wildfire.

You quickly flinch back, worried that Ellie might feel your pulse, which beats very erratically. Your thoughts are circling around, unsure if the feeling is positive or negative. It feels… nice? Exciting and it's directly addictive, you feel your inner self wanting to reach for more, but an indecent anxiety accompanies you every time you allow yourself to think this far.

"so you don't like idea huh?"

Your head goes up. Shes the same as always, reddish hair, green eyes, those freckles… Ellie's own gaze has descended. You never wanted to see her like that. Now you nudge her under the table with your foot.

"No, I think it's a good idea" you lie straight to her face.

The well-known grin creeps back onto her face and she stuffs a french fries into her mouth.

Then she proudly told you how she was sent to the school principal almost twice, but also about how she got a B+ in math and how the subject gets way too much hate.

You tell her that it deserves even more hate and about the weird interection with Isabella.

Ellie choked on a french chip and coughed so hard that Seth almost kicked her out. She said that she would know if you liked someone and that Isabella shouldn’t think she could be more important to you, than she really is.

This gave you a tingling feeling, so that you almost completely forgot about riley

"I don't understand your anticipation about something like that" Confused, you watch Ellie excitedly digging her fishing stuff out of the rack.

After joel voluntarily took her with him a few times, it became a little tradition and she got her own fishing set, which she takes care of like a mother.

"I like fishing and I like to eat fish, it's a perfect fit."

You're leaning your shoulder against the door of the garage when she bumps her head under joel's workbench.

“Ow”

He can't stow boxes well and safely. But there isn't much space here either, the green pick up truck, tools and the bench on which he has already built the craziest things for ellie.

"I don't get it no, I don't like the hunt and the taste of fish very much"

You always feel like an unnecessary murderer,since you kill the beings and it doesn't give you anything.

Ellie grabs her personal spare fishing line and packs it into her fisherman's backpack.

"Then you can leave the fishes you catch to me… if you catch any at all" She grins at you challengingly.

"Hey!" You point your finger at her. "I'm not that bad."

“No, I wouldn’t want to be reminded of how bad I am either, I get it." She says and you can hear her fucking smile in her voice.

"whatever ellie, i don't like it and it’s not because I’m not good at it"

"Oh no its not that your not good at it, its that your terrible at it"

Annoyed, you roll your eyes, turn around and leave Ellie in the room, but you both have a grin on your mouths. In the kitchen, Joel waits in his typical fisherman's outfit at the dining table, with a magazien about horse races.

He actually just looks like a forester. "Hey little one you ready for the trip?"

You let yourself fall across from him, on the wood table , which Joel must have built and sanded himself.

In the beginning, you had a lot of trouble with him, he was older and taller than most of the fathers you knew.

He was also a bit old to be ellie's father. Which, in the end,turned out that he wasn't. Not exactly.

That's why he was a little colder to you at the beginning, to test you. What does it take you to leave ellie, how quickly can someone get rid of you.

He wanted to know so he could protect her from it.

That's what you're understanding today.

Ellie couldn't afford to lose any more people, and you'd be lying if you said you would have done it differently in his place.

Yes, he was a bit intimidating at first, but after a few months he softened.

Now ellie worries that he loves you more than her, but you know the truth. No one could get close to ellie, just like no one would ever get close to sarah. Probably not even Ellie herself.

You really wanted to know what name would use Ellie for the both of you?

The thought of a name, It scares you both. Because it was more than friendship yet less than- "hey you okay?"

Joel and ellie stare at you.

You nod quickly and look at the clock.

”Didn’t she wanted to be here already?" Your question was more directed towards Ellie.

Then the house bell rang and your hope falls deep and painful.

Ellie's face is starting to shine again, and even though that was one of your favorite pictures, it started to annoy you very quickly the last few days.

"Wait, I forgot my gloves," she dashed up the stairs with her huge hiking backpack and her much too loud shoes.

Her nimble footsteps could be heard throughout the house. Your gaze flicks back to a very concentrated joel, who twitches his head towards the door, to make it clear to you that you should get it.

You let out a little sigh and wander extra slowly to the door, maybe she left. She didn’t.

But You can't lie, riley was pretty. and nice. clever too. It annoyed you to the bone.

"hey"

You look at her for a moment and immediately notice the backpack and the fishing rod. God ellie will love her.

"Hey come in"

You politely open the door for her, before she enters the house she quickly takes off her shoes. Jesus, good manners too.

"Riley, Welcome, we'll leave as soon as this girl finds her gloves" he laughs in his typical raspy voice.

"Don't talk about me if when not in the room," Ellie yells down and Riley giggles. "Thank you for taking me with you this time, Mr. Miller.“

You didn't know Riley, but you can tell right away that she's very intelligent and that you understand Ellie liking for her.

As much as you try to cover it up.

Joel shakes his head. "You can call me Joel"

Riley nods briefly, and Ellie shoes can be heard whizzing down the stairs again. When she sees Riley, she freezes for a moment, even though she knew she would be here.

For a moment you wondered why she did that, but then you got it.

"Hey Riley"

"Hi Ellie"

The drive to the lake was 20 minutes. And they were the worst 20 minutes of your life. Ellie wanted to sit next to riley so bad she left the front seat to you. She never does that.

From the mirror you could see the two of them laughing, talking as if they have known each other for years.

For the first time, it seemed to you that ellie wanted to share her stage with someone. It's as if she's brought someone from the audience to the stage.

And that someone wasn't you.

You didn't say a word the whole way. Not a word.

When the bluish lake was visible trough the many trees, you wanted to drown in it. Now you still want that.

The weight of your backpack bends your back right now, and ellie and riley never looked happier.

"Have you ever fished before, riley?"

you ask the tall girl.

She nods. "My grandfather used to take me on his trips sometimes."

"So cool," Ellie murmurs.

You thought everything was shit in this place. The lake looks so unwelcoming in the fall, as if it is personally trying to tell you to just give it up.

The old wood of the jetty squeaks and slips because of the humid air and you doubt the stability of the old thing. Joel prepares a place where he can fish in peace and quiet, and gives you younger people the freedom to do it on their own.

As the youngest in the group, it doesn't help that you really are bad at fishing, but you should be able to do connect the purr and the fishing rod.

Actually, you only have to manage to connect a fishing line, the rest takes care of itself.

Too bad you're so bad to make this fucking knot.

and you really try, but it just doesn't work. After a while you get too uncomfortable that you can't do it and you drop your fishing rod loudly on the wood.

Riley looks at you confused.

Joel was back at the car searching for the bait that disgusts you so much that you’re always afraid that the worms are still alive.

Ellie looks at you and stops at your bright red face. You can't read her look, you can't understand so much about what's been going on with her over the last few weeks, maybe even months.

But maybe you’re the problem too.

"Can you help Joel for a moment, we'll come right away" Ellie jerks her head in Joel's direction, as she talks to Riley.

She doesn't give you one last look before she goes past you towards the car.

The freckled girl steps forward and picks up your fishing rod, in front of you while you stare into the air like a little child.

"Whatever is going on with you today, the fishing rod really didn't deserve that"

You look downs a bit again to meet her eyes.

"What's wrong with you Ellie?"

"With me? nothing at all… What is wrong with me?"

Her shoulders tense just a little bit, but you don't miss it.

"The only thing you're talking about is riley, the only one you want to impress is riley"

Ellie takes a few steps back for some reason and looks behind you, probably at joel and riley who are still looking for the fishing lure, out of respect.

"I don't know what you mean"

You let out a snort and look at her. “I don't know you like that and it's driving me crazy"

"Why? Why can't I change, what's your problem?"

You want to seek closeness, her hand in yours to make the emotional distance disappear, but she takes a step back again when you try it.

It makes sense that she doesn't want that right now, but it still hurts incredibly how she runs away from you.

"It's not about you changing, it's good that you do, I don't care about that, but not who you do it with, Ellie" you remark.

For a second, she seems so far away, as if worlds universes separate you. In some summers, ellie and joel visit their family in texas, or drive into town for a few days. The separated time is not pretty, but neither is it gruesome.

Cause you can’t wait for her to come back, and she's just as excited about it as you are.

But I’m this moment, right now, you feel more separate from her than ever before.

"It's not always about you, I'm not your-"

Both of you weren't sure how it happened, because all of a sudden she was in the water. You don't know if you pushed her or if she fell in because of her distance steps. But both would be your fault.

The sound the jetty makes, the platch of the water, the way she is so shocked as soon as her face reaches the surface.

With your hand in front on your mouth you watch as she stares at you indignantly. Thank god she can swim.

Her eyes and the light green of the lake, bite each other just a tiny bit. It almost seems to you as if it was so destined, ellie and the lake. And maybe that was the case, but not in autumn.

You can't imagine how cold the water is and her blue lips testify enough. But Ellie doesn't budge. For a few seconds, she just stares at you. Maybe so that she can picture it again later or to make you realize what you just done.

You two didn't have to check if joel and riley noticed, you can already hear the stomping footsteps.

"Im sorry I-" you turn around so fast that you get dizzy and you almost fall into the lake too , you run so fast down the jetty that Joel can't stop you.

You're not quite sure where you're going. It all looks the same anyway. A play of colours, of orange and yellow on the ground and in the crowns of the trees. The sounds of birds and the dead leaves in the air.

As soon as you don't feel your legs anymore, you stop.

Your lungs sound like they're about to give up on you, and you are about to hyperventilate. It feels like you're always running, if not physical, then emotional.

You run when you're awake, when you're asleep, when you're sitting, Whether that's on ellie‘s old couch or when you have dinner with your family. Something scares you and it's always in the back of your mind, no matter where you are or with whom.

All of a sudden, your chest feels too tight and your head too much, but the world feels too small. It's as if all the air in the world is evaporating in front of you, and you can't do anything but try to get some oxygen with every breath. Your arms rested on your knees, your head spinning and-

"Hey?"

Your eyes rush open so wide and fast it almost hurts.

Ellie's clothes are completely soaked, so is her hair and she shivers slightly. And she's standing in front of you? She’s wearing an fishing jacket, a thick one and a wet one, but she doesn’t care.

"Hey it's okay im sorry I shouldn't have said that" she says it so fast, your brain almost misses it.

she doesn't ask if she can touch you, even if a precaution wouldn't have hurt you. At first only your hand, she grabs it very carefully and her cold skin makes you twitch a bit.

After that, she holds your cheek in her other hand to make you look up. You could still feel the drops of water hours later.

"Come here its okay, I’m fine" She takes puts both of her arms around you and one hand rests on your head.

She literally presses you against her. Her hand gently caresses over your hair. You've shoved her into an ice-cold lake and she's holding you like you're gold. As if you weren't a monster - as if you mean something.

Like a lost piece of a puzzle, your own arms sling around her and you put your head into her shoulder.

You cry so often, and you know it. You know how overwhelming it is for you, for the people around you, maybe even annoying, but not for ellie.

The animals of the forest hardly bothered, even if it was like the whole forest when quiet for a short minute. But you might have imagined that too.

"I'm really sorry ellie"

Your breaking voice is very low, though she hears it anyway.

"I know everything is okay I’m fine, I’m sorry too"

Out of surprise, you stiffen for a moment.

"I dragged you out here and hardly spoke to you. You're only here because of me" she explains and You can’t deny that.

You were going to stay like this a little longer, but suddenly ellie's breath hitches.

"don’t fucking move"

Her words run like a cold down your spine and into your ear, all the way to your legs. You were prepared for something that would tear you apart from behind But not knowing what it was almost killed you by itself.

Her arms loosen and turned you around a little in the other direction. Her eyes are still directed forward, into the forest.

When you slowly turn around, theres only a… deer?

You suppress the urge to tease Ellie, expecting that a Serial killer with a pointed hook was standing behind you, but the beauty of the creature was already enough to shut you up. It's still a bit young, probably still baby.

The white dots reminded you of freckles, of ellie.

The same ellie who was still standing next to you, way too close. But by too close you mean “exactly close enough”. Just perfect.

The two of you watch as the animal sniffs around on the ground. Ellie's wet hand prushes yours just a little.

A daring, yet intentional invitation, which you immediately accept.

The deer looks up even though you didn't make a sound.

And it's hard for you to breathe, as well as blinking.

This moment, this gracious moment should last as long as possible. It seems to both of you as if it is looking right into your souls, your hand squeezes ellies even tighter.

"Do you have your phone with you?"

With her big eyes she is still watching the deer. You shake your head.

"That's fine. I think it wont leave us, just for a little while.

a/n: I tried to make it a little less angsty (I failed forgive me)

INTERACT W LINKS ABOVE!!!! 🍉🍉

anyways hope you liked it pls repost and like!!! Next chapter the road trip will start I promise 🤞 (no hate to Riley btw I love her but let’s be fr reader would be jealous)

@yourelliewillms @bready101 @liasxeatt @darkerstarsstuff @elliezato @macaroni676 @crxmxnzl-c0rpzes @lovelyxbaby @yalaysbee @moonchild184 @a-little-bit-of-everybody @gosomewjere

[jiangwanyinscatmom]

Here's hoping thus doesn't disappear into the void.

What are your thoughts on how MXTX essentially fetishizes M/M relationship in MDZS as well as glorifies rape in its portrayal of Wangxian's relationship?

I've seen takes on how their sexual relationship is unhealthy but I feel like I'm missing a puzzle piece here?

You know, anon, I doubt this is in good faith given what I just posted. And you also harassed me with two other similarly worded anons. But fine, I'l answer.

Let me reiterate, this argument is bullshit as well as infantilizing adult queers. As if those of us that had lived within the actual space when we weren't allowed to breath the words gay or lesbian in a serious space. Because well minded people aren't gay, it's shameful. Further more, gay people even having SEX and KINKS while out, was debased. The only good queers were the ones that were celibate and their sex lives are none existent, because it was shameful to say you were interested in sex.

How dare a work explore a man's self-understanding. How dare Wei Wuxian be ignorant of gay relationships in a predominantly heterosexual world. How dare a gay man, in a heavily misogynistic world realize this, play into this, and be compulsive heterosexual for his own safety.

A good gay can't like roleplay non-consent, because that's buying into the patriarchy of men. Kink, is bad, because we're told to be ashamed of being sexually explorative with like minded gays, because it's "bad". Because we're not mature enough to actually understand what's for our own good. Like Wei Wuxian, we can't be individualistic. BDSM or in that scope of sexual exploration is dirty and bad for our health actually. Because I am uncomfortable, with a sexual kink, that is a common part of actual sexual marriage play, it's bad. If you are both willing to explore that kink, it's still bad, because you are now buying into the stereotypes of what's expected of us. Having a dirty dream about a school day turned to sex, is actually non-consensual now, because there isn't a script to follow like we've been told by other well-meaning queers who have told us what sex is ACTUALLY like. Reminds you of all that porn exploitation we're supposed to achieve a level of prowess to, but also, condemn that because we're actually better than that heterosexual sex we are forced to see casually in media. We're more enlightened! If I'm supposed to not be an individualistic gay, I have to worry about what others think of my sexuality that is meant to be private! I can't explore it comfortably with a significant other, because good god, what will the public think if they knew what I did in my marriage?

How dare a woman, write for men, in our world were cisgender heterosexual men are already the expectation of achievement, and be so non-traditional, obviously, this is just fetishized and glorification. We are not allowed to explore deeper sex consensually ever, because what would people think about me if I enjoy that?

[our-alterous-experience]

something that got stuck in my language pretty early on when i discovered the term alterous was the phrase “Comp”. Technically referring to “Compulsive Heterosexuality” but also referring to the larger affects of amatonormativity on a single person.

I loveddd reading stories about hyper repressed gay ppl bc of this tbh. I think I felt very connected to allo experiences that highlighted that compensation. Which made coming out as alterous was such an eye opening experience. It was like everything i was already consuming kinda pointed me in this direction. I had tried so hard to fit into the idea of Romance placed on to my world within western ideals. I mean I remember kissing a boy when i was like 5 because of that.

This got really complicated as I really got into the idea of Love as I got a little bit older. I remember thinking why would I date anyone if I didn’t think I would marry them in the future. But I would sort my friends or strangers into the platonic or romantic box I thought was the only way to view the world in. This got more weird since I came out as queer pretty young. I didn’t get a lot of chances to differentiate romantic and platonic and see how clearly I put on an act every time i was dating someone. How I wasn’t being myself, making idealized playlists of a feeling that was unobtainable. Day dreaming of being with someone but not knowing it could be anything but romantic. I think I ended up dicking over a few people as a teen because I was so knee deep in compulsive amatonormativity (comp am?). It made it hard to understand who liked me or what that supposedly meant. This doesn’t help when I have trauma that effects a lot of these problems in its own way.

I’m curious if anyone else who’s alterous has experienced this in a strong way as well. I identified as a hopeless romantic when i was younger, and I still like to think myself as A Romantic despite me being completely aro. I think that’s more related to how I do end up expressing love to the world and others.

There’s a lot of different situations comp am can come up for aro or arospec / non allo/allo fellas so I’m curious how people’s specific identities impact that. Or if anyone else has noticed this as a factor that impacts experience heavily.

[paladibun]

Internalized Homophobia Chat:

Disclaimer: this is a gay!Mike POV, so if you view him as bi, you might disagree with a lot of these.

So I was pondering whether Will is struggling with Internalized Homophobia or just dealing with self worth issue due to growing up in a homophobic environment and I realized those two are both different definitions people use to describe IH interchangeably which caused me to look up the actual definition and I found some interesting things that are really making me think. Aka Ways in which Internalized Homophobia Manifests! Taken from this Link

Skipping ones that don’t apply to either because It’s probably going to be miles long.

1. Denial of your sexual orientation to yourself and others.

             We don’t see it too much from both of them explicitly, but it’s definitely a solid for Will, as he can’t even say the exact words to his brother. He denies admitting his sexuality to others.(as most in his place in the 80′s) But as @ pinkeoni argued, we see Will accept himself just not feel accepted, as we see Will grow more comfortable with himself personally.(Turing project, boldness with the painting, acknowledgement of his difference/calling himself different, not having hang-ups about rejecting a pretty girl’s advances, etc) When it comes to Mike, we don’t see actual on screen denial, however, if we have perceived his arc and explanations of his actions, que billion other analyses we’ve already seen about his internal turmoil related to admitting his own sexuality to himself, there is pretty obv. denial. And I think it would be very strange for Mike to be like I’m gay? Okay! 👍 next season if we’re getting inside his head at all. Will’s denial is external. Mike’s denial is internal and likely external(though if he’s coming out at all in s5 the external wouldn’t last long)

2.  Attempts to alter or change your sexual your orientation.

              None of that from Will who probably knew for ages what he is. Mike’s whole season 3 experience was about emulating his heterosexual father, forcing himself to date a girl. I personally think Mike understood what he was at the end of s3, but definitely had hunches and subconscious reactions to the idea with being with a girl causing him to act the way he did.

3. Feeling you are never good enough.

              Oh that’s a definite both of them. Will feels like he’d never get to have a normal life and date like his hetero friends, and Mike feels social inadequacy(that one comic page where he feels like everyone is judging him?) and the his monologue about feeling inferior and insignificant when it comes to El being the big hero which to me reads as feeling pressured to perform the hero roll. (hyper-masculine heterosexual warrior that saves the day) which he simply isn’t. (Also if it reads as nerdphobia instead, its because the Duffers like to present a sanitized GA reading for most minority struggles aka Nancy’s coded feminism talk with Karen being more about personal worth and not actually feminism but the people who know, know. Billy’s racism coded in nonracist terms just implied othering. Robin and Steve’s original incompatibility being about their social groups, not sexuality, Will’s s3 issues reading as him not growing up as fast as others and I’m sure there’s more)

4.  Engaging in obsessive thinking and/or compulsive behaviours.

             This one we could probably attribute to Mike. It’s not explicitly stated, but if you take his projection’ed “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls.” and the way he acted toward Will in s4, there’s definitely at least incredible overthinking going on. 

5.  Under-achievement or even over-achievement as a bid for acceptance.

               We don’t really get to see inside Will’s performance outside him being called a good student and his original report card, but we do see Mike act out and isolate throughout the show. (But personally I attribute it to being just a smidge traumatized by almost losing Will, and in after s3, after pretty much losing Will to a different state. (Mike having a breakdown about it as described in Lucas’ novel))

6.  Low self esteem, negative body image.

              We see the former, not the latter, but definitely more prominently a Will thing. While Will seems to have accepted himself for who he is, he still feels inadequate and like a mistake. He always puts others first and his self worth issues are probably one of his more defining characteristics. Mike, however also has some of these. You only get a glimpse of it in s4 when he talks about himself but I like to assume its not just El related. (Seriously how shitty would it be if it wasn’t a “Mike overthinking and having original self worth issue” from being bullied his whole life.” Like he is an invisible queer man, but it doesn’t mean he feels invisible.(that comic page again))

7.  Contempt for the more open or obvious members of the LGBT community.

10.  Contempt for those that are not like ourselves or contempt for those who seem like ourselves. Sometimes distancing by engaging in homophobic behaviours – ridicule, harassment, verbal or physical attacks on other LGB people.

             Not contempt or anything violent or extreme but...”It’s not my fault you don’t like girls” is externalizing that internalized homophobia.

13.  Attempts to pass as heterosexual, sometimes marrying someone of the other sex to gain social approval or in hope of ‘being cured’.

               Definitely a Mike thing, but again, not as extreme.

14.  Increased fear and withdrawal from friend and relatives,

             Will naturally withdraws as a “my feelings matter less” thing, and Mike is shown to not be as connected to his family in the first place. Season 3, he withdraws from others to pursue El, and withdraws from Will in the beginning of S4.

15. Shame or depression; defensiveness; anger or bitterness.

              Will has trauma-based depression and self worth issues and Mike seems to have just the “regular old teen depression” from the way he withdraws, acts out, and feels about himself. + from almost losing will

17.  Continual self-monitoring of one’s behaviours, mannerisms, beliefs, and ideas.

               It is not easy to say just how much either of them self monitor when it comes to performing masculinity from anything explicit in canon. (Although I would argue Will isn’t performing as much as we see him liking what he likes, not liking what he doesn’t like, not changing his way of dress much from his boyish flannels when s4 was definitely marked as a “coming into oneself” season when it comes to expression. Mike was definitely acting the “actual straight man” when it came to most things in s3, and we see him unclench a little in s4 and shown his extreme with his airport outfit.)

21. Conflicts with the law.

              I know in the show it’s presented as sort of a goof, but both Will & Mike are very comfortable breaking the law. (Mike being rebellious from the start + disobeying Hopper as a hobby and Will passionately fantasizing about cheating in Vegas.)

23.  Separating sex and love, or fear of intimacy. Sometimes low or lack of sexual drive or celibacy.

               That fear of intimacy part. If you read Mike as bi, his whole behavior toward El in S3. If not, the way he acted toward Will early s4. (But I’m sure there are other examples)

25. Thinking about suicide, attempting suicide, death by suicide.

               This might not be accurate, and up to interpretation referencing the Quarry Scene but if you read Mike also having trauma caused by Will’s disappearance, that could be a thing as well. I personally don’t know what to think about that theory, but I do think either or both will show their self sacrificial tendencies in S5 and we will know more about all that.

The conclusion is that they both struggle from Internalized Homophobia. For Will it’s more of a “I can process being gay but the world’s homophobia crushing me and my hopes & dreams” flavor and for Mike it’s a “the world’s homophobia is confusing me and causing me to lash out at others because I can’t process being gay and am making it everyone else’s problem” flavor of IH.

Anyway anyway, thank you for reading I actually found that whole article fascinating and thinking how many people just don’t really think on what the term means(or all of what it means)(including myself) so yeah.

(feel free to correct me or provide counter arguments et cetera)

(another disclaimer that applies to this and any subsequent long posts I might make: everyone is allowed to have differing POV’s and I don’t think less of anyone who doesn’t agree with me & I encourage everyone to have their own unique repertoire’s of specific takes and reading on this and other topics)

[interplanet--janet]

1, 3, 6, 13 ^_^

most overrated character? honestly even tho he's my boytoy i think kakashi is kind of overrated. people especially get way into his combat abilities (which I get it) but no one understands him like me

3) were naruto's intentions with sasuke selfish? i think especially at the beginning and the start of shippuden they were!!!! but over the war arc especially i think it changes. despite how it shouldnt have been them going back to the village but moving forward together (away from the feudal meritocracy)

6) what makes the Naruto ending bad? im too high for this literally where do i begin. i mean we can talk abt the buildup with kaguya that was ass, or how silly it was to have sasuke hold all the tailed beasts hostage, but most of all its the compulsive heterosexuality and nuclear family propaganda. i know shinzo abe is behind boruto i know it. 13) was kakashi trying his best? / was he a "good" sensei? MANS WAS A TERRIBLE SENSEI. he has cptsd. he is a child soldier PRODIGY. he was a state assassin before he hit puberty. he was trying his best in between hallucinations, paranoia, and childhood trauma. and then to be put in front of THOSE KIDS? hiruzen when i find you hiruzen. its amazing he didnt immediately paper bomb himself into oblivion but hes too good of a loyal dog to konoha anyways. it could be argued that he was an okay sensei to sasuke (totally failed naruto not to mention sakura) BUT sasuke is too much of a mirror for kakashi and so of course he teaches sasuke his assassination jutsu. bc youre a well adjusted young man. i know i said in the beginning that kakashi was overrated and he is. i stand by it. hes also misunderstood and has so much more depth than what most fans realize

[stormyoceans]

👋hello

1. Do you think tae and ba-mhee will break up, or will they overcome the trainee crisis and get back tgt?

2. Are you going to watch 10 liners series?

3. Have you watched Inside Out 2?

hello, anon!!!! 💜

OH these are such interesting and fun questions, let me get through them properly one by one!!!!

1. Do you think tae and ba-mhee will break up, or will they overcome the trainee crisis and get back tgt?

im not sure how they’re going to deal with the taebahmeejudy subplot tbh like i know how i personally wish they would go about it, but it’s kinda hard to predict what they’re actually going to do. i think the storyline has a lot of potential and that they could explore a lot of meaningful topics through it, such as compulsive heterosexuality, what society expects from women and the role that it pushes on them vs what women may want and wish for instead if they were allowed to go through different experiences and explore themselves freely, platonic love between men and women, etc. now, do i trust GMMTV to deliver this? [larry_david_not_sure.gif] im honestly more confident about GMMTV liking its branded BL pairs unless one of the actors is playing in an established straight show (see ploy’s yearbook), so i don’t think taebahmee is gonna be endgame. im not too sure about judybahmee either to tell the truth, but as of now i do believe tae and bahmee are gonna break up and remain really good friends

2. Are you going to watch 10 liners series?

I MEAN. i think so, yeah. like im not gonna lie im not particularly looking forward to it, mostly because it’s yet another school BL and if i have to be completely honest i don’t..really care about any of the main pairings outside of forcebook ;;;;;;; i mean i don’t mind junior and mark, i think they did a great job as jinta and min in cherry magic and i loved their small star crossed lovers subplot in midnight museum, i just can’t quite get into them as a pairing for some reason, and while im kinda curious about perth and santa now that the cast change has been announced i was kinda hoping to get aouboom as mains, so ;;;;;;;;;; im also not too sure about the 10 episodes per couple format, im afraid it's gonna feel very disjointed, HOWEVER. if going insane about phumpeem and most likely coming out of 2024 with we are as one of my favorite shows of the year taught me anything, it's that even the most unexpected things can pleasantly surprise you and prove you wrong (and bludgeon you over the head with feelings), so sure, i will give perfect10 liners a chance, why not!!!! (can they please give emi's character a girlfriend tho)

3. Have you watched Inside Out 2?

i haven’t had the chance to go see it yet unfortunately and i have no idea when will i be able to, which kinda makes me a bit sad not gonna lie ;;;;;;;; i love animation and as someone who suffers from anxiety and panic attacks i have the feeling this movie could be very healing for me, not to mention i’ve heard only good things about it, so yeah. hopefully i'll be able to watch it soon!!!!!!!

[gravemutt]

☆ the BOLD THE FACTS tag ☆

got tagged by @pralinesims and @salemsimss for this tag!!! so excited to do it, ty guys ^__^

The Rules are simple! Tag people and name a character you want to know more about! If you want to let the person you tagged decide who to showcase, then don’t name a character and they can pick somebody. Easy! The person who is tagged will then bold the remarks below which apply to their character &, if they want to, include a picture with their reply!

for this challenge i decided to do this with my oc, River! (it/they/she) and i love them so so dearly, so i hope u guys get to love its as well through this!

lets get to it!

[ PERSONAL ]

$ Financial: wealthy / moderate / poor / in poverty

✚ Medical: fit / moderate / sickly / disabled / disadvantaged / non applicable

✪ Class or Caste: upper / middle / working / unsure / other

✔ Education: qualified / unqualified / studying / other (never attended)

✖ Criminal Record: yes, for major crimes / yes, for minor crimes / no / has committed crimes, but not caught yet / yes, but charges were dismissed

[ FAMILY ]

◒ Children: had a child or children / has no children / wants children

◑ Relationship with Family: close with sibling(s) / not close with sibling(s) / has no siblings / sibling(s) is deceased

◔ Affiliation: orphaned / adopted / disowned / raised by birth parent / not applicable

[ TRAITS + TENDENCIES ]

♦ extroverted / introverted / in between

♦ disorganized / organized / in between

♦ close minded / open-minded / in between

♦ calm / anxious / in between

♦ disagreeable / agreeable / in between

♦ cautious / reckless / in between

♦ patient / impatient / in between

♦ outspoken / reserved / in between

♦ leader / follower / in between

♦ empathetic / vicious bastard / in between

♦ optimistic / pessimistic / in between

♦ traditional / modern / in between

♦ hard-working / lazy / in between

♦ cultured / uncultured / in between / unknown

♦ loyal / disloyal / unknown

♦ faithful / unfaithful / unknown

[ BELIEFS ]

★ Faith: monotheist / polytheist / atheist / agnostic / spiritual

☆ Belief in Ghosts or Spirits: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

✮ Belief in an Afterlife: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

✯ Belief in Reincarnation: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

❃ Belief in Aliens: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

✧ Religious: orthodox / liberal / in between / not religious

❀ Philosophical: yes / no (can be, usually isnt)

[ SEXUALITY & ROMANTIC INCLINATION ]

❤ Sexuality: heterosexual / homosexual / bisexual / asexual / pansexual

❥ Sex: sex repulsed / sex neutral / sex favorable / naive and clueless

♥ Romance: romance repulsed / romance neutral / romance favorable / naive and clueless / romance suspicious

❣ Sexually: adventurous / experienced / naive / inexperienced / curious

⚧ Potential Sexual Partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all

⚧ Potential Romantic Partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all

[ ABILITIES ]

☠ Combat Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

≡ Literacy Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

✍ Artistic Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

✂ Technical Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor (like, so poor that its borderline Nothing) / none

[ HABITS ]

☕ Drinking Alcohol: never / special occasions / sometimes / frequently / Alcoholic

☁ Smoking: tried it (hated it) / trying to quit / quit / never / rarely / sometimes / frequently / Chain-smoker

✿ Recreational Drugs: never / special occasions / sometimes / frequently / addict

✌ Medicinal Drugs: never / no longer needs medication / some medication needed / frequently / to excess

☻ Unhealthy Food: never / special occasions / sometimes / frequently / binge eater

$ Splurge Spending: never / rarely / sometimes / frequently / shopaholic

♣ Gambling: never / rarely / sometimes / frequently / compulsive gambler

as for tagging people to continue this on, im going to go ahead and say that whoever sees this post, you are absolutely allowed to do it yourself! do whatever u please :D (im just super bad at tagging so i dont wanna sit here n struggle with it ;__;)

[frankenhxmie]

   　　     　　    　　　  𝚝𝚒𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚢   𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚎𝚛

timothy turner is based on timmy from the fairly odd parents. he is a 22 year old human, superhero headquarters employee, and uses he/him pronouns. he has no powers.

penned by HARPER

reflection

face claim: jaren lewison sexuality: heterosexual height: 6'1 eye color: blue hair color: brown piercings: n/a tattoos: n/a

attitude

positive traits: adventurous, adaptable, extroverted, imaginative, sentimental, thrifty, passionate negative traits: childish, compulsive, takes almost everything at surface-level, yet simultaneously overthinks constantly, irresponsible at times, scatterbrained likes: comic books, nostalgia, collecting vhs tapes, vans, baseball caps, writing in blue pen, old cartoons, scott pilgrim universe, dad rock, drawing in the margins, go karts, talking a lot dislikes: babysitters, reality television, superman (he is the worst superhero and his mun agrees), not being appreciated, denzel crocker, oranges, clowns, sauerkraut (he's allergic) phobias: coulrophobia ( fear of clowns ) hobbies:  reading and talking about comic books, attempting to make his own comic books, watching tv/movie adaptations of comic books, trying to learn the guitar, forcing his godparents to hang out with him, making mix tapes on actual cassette tapes, trying to come up with the weirdest pizza toppings combination, serial crushing, avoiding talking about the neglect on behalf of his parents. aesthetic: red caps, a well loved graphic lovel, the cartoons on the backside of the sunday newspaper, the crack of a redbull can at random hours of the day, the sound of a guitar tuning, taking the wish you make on your birthday whilst blowing out the candles EXTRA seriously, being alone in a crowded room,

relations

mother: mrs. turner father:  mr. turner god parent(s):  cosmo and wanda cosma sibling(s):  n/a pet(s): two gold fish named poof and foop

headcanons

timmy has RAGING adhd, and due to his parents hardly knowing him, it wasn’t until his late teens that he was able to figure out he had it thanks to the assistance of cosmo and wanda. it heavily impacted his grades in school and made it difficult for him to sit still and focus, something he still struggles with heavily to this day despite being on medication.

timmy really loves the scott pilgrim graphic novel series, and he has the entire hardcover collection on display in his bedroom. in light of that, the movie is also a comfort one of his and he is pretty obsessed with it and any medium scott pilgrim comes in. he sees himself in scott pilgrim and identifies with him.

cosmo and wanda really replaced his absent parents and he looks to them as one would a mother and father. he truly values their opinions and judgements of him and is beyond grateful for everything they had done for him. that isn’t to say he doesn’t get moody or bratty with them sometimes, but they spoiled him when no one else would even hold eye contact. he is constantly trying to find a way to repay them for that.

timmy is a bit of a … serial crusher. when he develops a crush on someone its DEBILITATING. it becomes 50% of his personality and anyone who is in his close circle will know more about timmy’s crush than his own interests or hobbies. it’s embarrassing but timmy just wants to love and be loved. can you blame him??

timmy was the kind of kid who would hide under the covers with a flashlight after bedtime, staying up late into the evening just diving into the worlds of his heroes and their adventures, using their stories to lull him into a dream where he was just as adored and admired as the characters in his comics. comics truly were a support system for him before cosmo and wanda and they still are to this day.

sometimes, timmy gets mad he couldn’t keep cosmo and wanda as his god parents. he feels a ridiculous sense of jealousy if they ever talk about other kids and is devastated by even the CONCEPT of having to share them. there have been many times where timmy has just sat down on his bed and pleaded with the universe to turn time back so he can go back to the times he spent with them, having every wish he could imagine granted, having not a care in the world.

he actually... doesn't know the names of his parents. they never talked to him about himself or themselves enough for any sort of conversation regarding their names to even be brought up. so, he simply doesn't know their names- not that it matters much now.

[gothmods]

sexual tmi so below the cut it goes but

So ive never enjoyed vaginal penetration even pre-t and also just generally i dont think im very sensitive down there so dont really get very far jerking it.... but anyways recently for whatever reason i decided to see if anal was something i could enjoy and i think it just might be.

Cant say for certain atm since i think i need to buy some lube and a toy because fingering is super awkward reach-wise and uncomfortable on my wrist. But i dont hate it which is like a big deal because vaginal penetration of any degree has always felt really unpleasant.

I think the reason i feel so detatched from like, any semblance of sexuality is because i have always felt very detatched from my body in a sexual sense. Partly because of the lack of sensitivity and partly because i do have a low sex drive and partly because i think growing up with a very christian heterosexual image of sex really did a number on me and partly because while im not distressed by my junk i do feel very affected by not having a dick.

And uuurrghh idk like all these factors together have left me feeling so alienated from sexuality and have also given me a lot of anxiety which has only been made worse by my ocd-adjacent symptoms. This has been a problem since i was like 16 and so its felt very hard to overcome in any way....

...so the thought that i may have found an activity i enjoy is like. A big deal.

In the past ive tried to mend this whole mess with porn but that is a limited strategy since that has also been a means of compulsive self harm and like. Its easy to SH that way when you already dont have a good relationship with your body as a sexual entity and very hard to cultivate something more positive without addressing that relationship.

This is all super personal aaaaa but im just. I really want to have a good relationship to sexuality. A lot of my hesitancy over the years with calling myself asexual is because that want has always been there in the back of my mind.

So uuhh fingers crossed i guess?

[sculptwhist]

Agnes ~ @themoralgoats

OKAY SHES LIKE ONE OF MY FAVS SO THIS IS GONNA BE A BIT LONGER THAN THE OTHERS SO FAR, TY FOR ASKING HER

1: sexuality headcanon

Since she doesn't have a confirmed sexuality, in my opinion she's likely bisexual(with a female preference) OR a Lesbian with comphet(compulsory heterosexuality) since in r4ped she seemed to only want a man who would be really dominant and uncaring(which I feel she thinks a man should be like to make her "like them") but as soon as Mary reveals herself to be a woman she stops disliking Mary's nice traits and starts showing interest in her. But I think she may just be bi with a female preference.

2: otp

WHO??? WHO DO YOU THINK IM GOING TO SAY??? OF COURSE ITS AGNES AND OFFICER PLOTWHIST THEY SEEM LIKE SUCH A SWEET COUPLE ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I WISH THE SHOW CONTINUED EVEN IF IT WAS AWFUL JUST TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THESE TWO BC MARY WOULD HAVE MADE SUCH A POSITIVE IMPACT ON HER AND PROBABLY THE OTHER WAY AROUND TOO.

3: brotp

I feel like her and miss censordoll would have a really fun dynamic if they interacted. I feel like she wouldn't have many friends but the only person she would really consider herself to be well acquainted with would be Miss Secondopinionson.

4: notp

Her and Doughy, her and Mr creepler, her and Ray pitswell...

5: first headcanon that pops into my head

I HAVE A FEW! Okay so general,she actually really enjoys grading papers, mainly to see some people in her class' answers(especially if they are hilariously wrong).

She can play the piano but stopped when she started working as she thought it was a waste of her time.

Also just a general show HC she definitely becomes nicer as time goes on.

Also a little sculptwhist headcanon but Mary fell first but she fell harder. That is all.

Also idk if this counts as a headcanon but I feel like she would call her future kid something along the lines of Jane or Wendy.

6: favorite line from this character

I mean, the entirely of her part in alone where she doesn't speak is great but if I had to choose "How dare you question things when I don't!"

7: one way in which I relate to this character

Obsessive compulsions brought on by trauma (although I also feel like my personality as a whole is a little similar in certain situations)

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character

She was a bitch in courtship so i'll say that. Still somehow didn't make me not like her though-

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?

Neither. Just fav. I love her sm don't ask me why.

[samwiselastname]

Just finished watching the killing of a sacred deer and-

My knee-jerk response: "I tend to like a subtler oedipal complex narrative than this." but the more I think about it, I'm all for abandonment of subtlety if it's grotesque. I know Lanthimos' whole thing is this glossy, sterile, stilted, alienated dream fever mode. Listen. I need psychedelics here. I want it baroque. I feel like everything in that movie that was meant to disturb or shock me was so surgically pristine that I couldn't even feel it.

There's a degree to which I will put up with heterosexual nonsense if it relates an interesting story, is a fun little cultural artifact, or is a satisfying intellectual challenge. Quite honestly there are a lot of ways I admire Freudian analysis, and most of them have to do with what he leaves unsaid. It's like this movie could not commit to its own subtlety.

I feel compelled to give The Lobster another shot but I also feel like it would fail me. The sterility and glossiness really lays on thick this like, miasma of minimalist affluence. And honestly, I think pointing to his movies as being "about" the ways wealth makes the upperclass inhuman is. A bit of a cross-read in a lot of his films, despite it being very obvious. The Lobster does seem like it's the litmus test for like, whether he's self-aware about his form/function mismatch. (And the first half did not wow me!)

You probably don't want to take me seriously here in terms of judging authorial intent, I did just say I admire Freud and also I am one of the 2% of people on earth who watched Alex Garland's Men and found it worthwhile. And I do not think I will ever get over my, (for lack of a better term) neckbearded compulsion to rag on A24. But for me the key issue with the prototypical elevated horror film *is* the sterility and hypocrisy and the wealth and glitz and palateability. And A24's weird market dominance. I don't care that there's allegory happening, I care that somehow he made the least visceral film I could imagine about this topic.

[icannotweave]

I posted 6,305 times in 2022

That's 2,695 more posts than 2021!

27 posts created (0%)

6,278 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@transratsactivist

@thesweetpianowritingdownmylife

@nevershootamockingbird

@gutterdiamond

@gatheringbones

I tagged 6,299 of my posts in 2022

#ofmd - 1,291 posts

#comedy - 973 posts

#favorite - 919 posts

#edward teach - 638 posts

#queer - 628 posts

#bel check this out - 496 posts

#stede bonnet - 452 posts

#society - 400 posts

#video - 398 posts

#blackbonnet - 365 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#i’ve known since childhood they’re inadmissible but like…think hard about why inadmissible junk science is okay in interrogations 🙃🙃🙃

I sent 2 gifts in 2022

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

imagined stede giving edward the “you have bewitched me body and soul” speech and now am Very Normal about it.

28 notes - Posted August 3, 2022

#4

like a dog with a bird at your door • a playlist for izzy hands, pining gay homophobe.

44 notes - Posted April 29, 2022

#3

why aren’t more people insane over the tragically poetic irony the surnames “flint” and “silver” contain? just wondering.

78 notes - Posted August 25, 2022

#2

can’t stop thinking about izzy’s outfits (cause omfd is a queer little show so ofc its clothing symbolism is off the chain). 

he’s so leather clad, a uniform of blackbeard’s ranks, but his is so boring - ivan, fang, especially edward, all spice it up with a sleeve missing or a spiky headband and izzy is bare bones. he always wears gloves. he wears a fucking necktie. even his little cross tattoo is brutal, minimalist, no fun or art. he’s like a little biker businessman. 

repression is written all over his body and i'm obsessed.  

182 notes - Posted April 11, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

god god god I'm literally in tears over this post.

izzy hands is a goddamn walking tragedy because he’s trapped in the prison of subtext!! he’s not a part of the narrative, people like him aren’t heroes, they don't get to be happy or safe or loved gently. i also thought the speech about how People Like Them don’t get retirement was very queer (”we’re not those kinds of people/we don’t get nice things”). happy endings for queers are against the rules and izzy does nothing if not play by a homophobic story’s rules. 

he’s playing so so carefully by the rules of the supposed genre to survive and it’s so so sad. there really is a whole-ass theme of repeating cycles of abuse to feel safe, cycles which brutalize oneself and others (e.g. ed, the crew, etc.). where the possibility of something gentler and kinder hurts too much and therefore seems unsafe! but only cause insanity and danger are normative.

open queer love and joy and tenderness feel wrong (dangerous, unsafe, frightening) cause repression and violence are your love language (the only love language you are or will ever be allowed and no human being can survive without love, really, you have to find it where and however you can). the abuse of normative heterosexuality and masculinity have atrophied and warped him. he’s literally a victim who maintains systems which create victims, oh my god. 

izzy’s coping mechanisms (survival tools) of hurting rather than helping make so much sense when you think about them even a little bit through this lens. like! yes, it’s repetition compulsion probably but also...wow...no wonder he thinks he’s saving ed by forcing him to be brutal? (its for Your Own Good).

not just cause Things Make Sense Again (cause nothing is worse to an abuse survivor than chaos and instability - and nothing warps your ability to judge bad stability from good stability like abuse) when things are finally violent and chaotic again but also!! we can be Safe again! his manic joy makes so much sense cause! we followed all The Rules! we can be safe now, you and me! (”blackbeard is himself again” fuck me I'm sobbing). The Rules said we have to be this way and now things are safe and make sense again and nothing is unusual scary and bad anymore (it’s all the scary and bad I am used to once more). 

but also also...he can express and experience Love (abuse) once more now that blackbeard is back. he can have his Intricate Rituals back. he can have his nice safe little pining spot where he and blackbeard can go back to their subtext marriage and domestic bliss is reestablished. that’s why “he’s under strict orders not to mention his sexuality” wrecks me so much because!! I genuinely do hope he can also escape these abusive cycles and find queer joy and love for himself and know he’s not the narrative’s Bad Gay Man. 

if this show has taught us anything, it’s that we deserve the chance to not be the monster. 

(tldr: the real villain of this series is Toxic White Heterosexual Masculinity and izzy hands is its most beaten-down victim/tool.)

354 notes - Posted April 15, 2022

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[cursezone]

is it really comphet for me to find a character attractive who is male when in my head i am imagining theyre a woman because women can look like that too and no amount of masculinity is exclusive to men. no part of me is pursuing a relationship with a man if i say this character is attractive looking