#its not Sylvester. I leave things with him all the time and he never messes with it

[lover-of-skellies]

Where the hell is my lens cleaner wipe thing

I'm the only one awake. I put the wipe on my bed, left to use the bathroom, came back, and it was gone. I looked everywhere that makes sense, and I CANNOT find it ANYWHERE

Whatever fucking demon is playing with me right now is about to get punched in the throat, I stg >:(

[hournites]

And More Promises After That

Inspired by @granolabird’s “A Promise for the Future” 3x12 Hournite fic - This continues it, basically. So Spoilers for 3x12

~.~ 

The night air is sharp, but it keeps Beth alert and Rick lucid. She leaves a warm hand on Rick’s arm as he breathes in beside her on the front porch bench. She knows that inside the Whitmore-Dugan house a storm of a mess pointing to Sylvester’s ultimate betrayal is brewing, but Beth had made peace with the fact a few hours before the rest. As she had with The Shade and his intentions over the summer, brushing up on her research had driven her suspicions. There just hadn’t been the time to voice her concerns until she knew it would be safe and above all, Rick was safe. Which had never presented itself, especially with the pop-up of Icicle. 

“How did you know to find us here?” Beth asks

“I didn’t,” Rick says. “I went to your house.” 

Beth turns halfway. She tries to kill the swell of butterflies that cropped up to think he’d gone to seek her out, knowing it isn’t an appropriate time to get wrapped up in dangerous trains of thoughts, but it isn’t something so easy for her to turn off. “You did?” 

“And you weren’t home, nobody was home. So I went to the Pit Stop, but nobody was there.” He doesn’t say so, but Beth can tell this is when he got panicked. “So then I came here.” He winces through what must be another attack. 

Beth supports him as he lurches forward. His breathing is erratic and he grabs at his shirt, pulling it from his chest. 

“Is it heart palpitations?” she asks. 

Rick can only nod, squeezing his eyes shut. Beth almost suggests they go inside to check him out with her goggles again, but just as fast as it comes over him, it goes away. He slumps against the back of the bench. 

“Rick, you drove like this?” 

“No,” he says, voice cracking. “I walked.” 

“I don’t know…” she starts then stops. She was going to say that she doesn’t think Rick is fit to fight. Hourglass or not. He’s so off his game, Beth has never seen him like this. Big tears dripped down his face, his lip quivering from emotion. It’s different from all the other times she’s seen him struggle, and she hates to say that she’s seen him struggle a lot. Even the stoic silence that had greeted her with static over the phone when she’d call him in the jail cell was more reassuring than this. He’s fallen apart.  Rick’s fallen apart, and Rick must know this. He does, to trek from West Farms to Blue Valley knocking on doors for help. 

So, instead, Beth lightens her tone and chooses not to comment about the state he’s in or the concerns she has for right now. Instead, she gently takes Rick’s shaking hands and holds them in her own. “Rick?” 

He looks at her with those red, weary eyes. 

“What do you want to do, when you eventually have it off?” 

A perplexed frown etches its way onto his forehead, and Beth finds it better than his grimace of pain. 

“When I take it off?” 

“Yeah. When we get the hourglass off,” she begins softly, “Which we will–What do you want to do first?” 

“Sleep,” Rick answers bluntly. “I don’t think I’ve slept in a week.” 

She studies him. “You’re exhausted, aren’t you?” 

He turns his gaze away, watching the dying leaves rustle in the trees instead. 

“What else?” she prompts quietly, nudging his arm to break him from whatever spell he got sucked into. “Good things.” 

“A long drive would be nice… Maybe a walk in the woods. You know…Once the Ultra Humanite is gone.” They share the briefest glance and it has the tiniest of humour. Beth smiles. This is working. She leans her head against his shoulder, moving one of her hands to dig into her coat pocket to keep out of the cold. 

“Yeah, it would. Maybe you could bring me to the woods sometime, show me your favourite spot?” 

Rick doesn’t say anything.

 “Rick?” 

“I want to talk to you,” he says. “When the hourglass is off.” 

She laughs lightly, pulling away to look at him, just a little concerned that he might be confused. “You are talking to me.” 

He shakes his head, stammering over his words. “N-no. I want…” He sighs, glancing down at their hands still together. He says, “I know I hurt you. And I want to apologize.” He swallowed a lump in his throat. “I want to apologize to your parents, to everyone. But especially you. I’m sorry. But I know it doesn’t mean anything when I have this still on.” He gives the base an angry tug. “I’ll just fuck everything up again.” 

Beth raises her hand over his when he does it again with a frustrated shout. It’s harsh and abrupt, the way Beth knew it would be the second that he yanked on the chain. “Don’t,” she says softly. 

He stops, looking down at her. She drags his hand back to his lap and sets the hourglass against the coat he’s got borrowed from Pat, patting the space next to it gently. “Just…Try to relax. It doesn’t help when you mess with it. Your mood changes when you do.”

Rick’s face falls into a complicated array of emotions, proving Beth’s point.  “I just want it to matter.”

“This does matter,” Beth whispers fervently, her voice carrying with the wind. “It matters because you’re here. I didn’t have to find you or drag you over here kicking and screaming. You came. You care. And that’s what matters, Rick.” 

“I don’t think your parents will see it that way. They’re not going to trust me.” 

“It doesn’t really matter,” Beth says. “My parents aren’t me. And they’ve been just as concerned.” 

Rick lolls his head to the side. “Except, it does matter because–”

“Because what?” 

“...Because,” he starts slow, taking a deep breath. “When I take the hourglass off, and Ultra-Humanite and Sylvester problems are solved and that Mahkent kid gets put in his place and Icicle gets crushed…I want to…” 

Beth leans in closer, hanging onto every word. “You want to what?” 

Rick changes the subject. “Do you know how awful I felt when I crashed from the high after I left your house?” 

“No…” 

“I was out of it and then suddenly I was not. That was the first time I tried taking it off. Beth, I… I’d never…I’d have never said that to you.”

She nods once, appreciative of Rick telling her this. She’s not really sure how else to respond. Rick said he knows it had hurt her feelings, she knows that he is sorry. There’s nothing Rick can do to change his words, there’s nothing Beth can say to pretend it hadn’t happened. They both know he’s sick. It’s a bittersweet checkmate. 

“What does this have to do with what you want to do when you’re healthy?”

“Kind of…Everything?” 

“Everything how?” Beth presses. 

“Because…Good things, right?” 

A crease forms on her forehead. “Good things, what?” 

 “Do you want to go on a date?” Rick’s eyes dart back and forth, anxiously reading her reaction. Beth’s own eyes grow wide, her breath catching. Rick’s hand squeezes the one in her own, but Beth is so caught off guard, she can only stare and say, “What?”  She turns her head back at the house. “But…”

“You asked me what I want to do first. When I recover. Good things. And I-I-I know that it’s horrible timing now, but, that’s what I want. I want to ask you out on a date.” This time he’s more sure. “And if that goes well…” 

“It’ll go well!”

Rick almost smiled. “If it goes well,” he continues, “I’d ask you to be my girlfriend…If you’d be interested in that.” 

Beth giggles, covering her mouth with her hand. The sound startles her, and Rick zeroes in it too, mouth quirking up at the corners in honesty for the first time. “Would you be?” 

“I don’t know,” Beth teases, unearthing her free hand from her pocket to poke at his jacket. She’s not sure where this side of her has come from, and the butterflies that have erupted inside are potentially going to make her explode, but she manages to not combust. “You’ll have to ask me.” She’s grinning breathlessly at him and she knows it. “When you get better.”

“Okay.” Rick sits up, much brighter than he’s been since they’ve gone outside. “I will on our date.”

Beth leans her head against his shoulder. They’re still holding hands. “What else do you want?” 

They play a few more rounds of What will Rick do When the Hourglass Gets Off? until Courtney interrupts them, bursting out the front door in the gold puffer jacket. It slams with a racket, startling them both. 

“JSA 911! Zeek’s junkyard!” Courtney wheezes. “Dragon King! Ultra-Humanite in Sylvester! Icicle!” 

“I beg your pardon?” 

Rick squints at her. “Excuse me?”

“We’ve got to suit up, like, right now! Mike called! Then Cameron called! We need to go. Like, right now, right now, right now!” she yells, already spinning on her heel to sprint up the stairs to her room.  

“But Rick is sick!” Beth calls after her, making an indignant noise. “You don’t have Cosmo!” 

“IT’S NINE-ONE-ONE BETH! EVEN THE ELDERLY ARE FIGHTING!” 

Rick stands, his hand on her arm. “I can do it. It’ll be one last time.”

“One last time?” Rick sounds final about it. Beth has to bite her tongue from asking, what do you mean, one last time? One last time forever? Because if she says it out loud, Rick’ll give her an answer. And the truth is she’s just starting to enjoy getting into the fight, of joining Rick in the fight. 

Rick says, “I just want to be me again.” 

Beth nods. How can she say no to that?  “Okay. Okay. One last time as Hourman and Dr. Mid-Nite.” 

[mdwatchestv]

Westworld 2x10: Looks Like We Made It

Well, we did it. We survived the onslaught of mystery, gun violence, and general confusion that is Westworld. This finale episode was sort of emblematic of the season as a whole in terms of what worked and didn't work, and generally the best and worst elements of the show. I will of course be talking about all the big twists and turns, but a finale is also great opportunity to reflect on a show as a whole and take a look at the big picture. The whole park if you will. While Westworld is a show about a lot of things, robots, personhood, technology, Dolores' wigs, it is mostly a show that is about its own mystery. It is a show that wants you to try and solve it, taunts you with seemingly meaningless complex clues, defies you to anticipate its twists and turns. Westworld asks its audience to pull apart details, to search for meaning, to try and outsmart the endgame. This can be a double edged sword, as a constant drive to solve the puzzle guarantees the viewer's rapt attention, but it also means every bit of the show is pored over, and pulled apart. Plot that doesn't quite line up, or wonky storytelling devices that may have slid under the radar in another show, are made glaring. Put another way, if you are encourage your audience to pick at the fabric of your story, they are going to find holes.  However, if you have a pack of vultures tearing apart your narrative and you're STILL able to conjure up a genuine surprise, then that is something special indeed. This last episode encapsulated both the pitfalls and payoffs of the mystery box show, and why the show in general suffers by often not being able to stand up to scrutiny.

Instead of recapping all 90 minutes of this episode, which I tried to do, realized I had written 3k words of nonsense regarding timelines, and decided no one really wanted to read that, I have instead decided to just get to the good stuff and talk about the twists, everything I was right about, all the things that didn't make sense, and all the questions we still need to  answered. There were two MAJOR twists in this episode, and they could not be more opposite in success and execution. Let's talk first about the one that worked - the Tessa Thompson is secretly Dolores twist. It is revealed in a climactic scene that Tessa Thompson, is not actually herself, but instead a host with Dolores' personality.  Not only is Tessa really Dolores in that scene, but she has been Dolores in EVERY "present" day scene (aka every scene that took place post-Bernard waking up on the beach) for the ENTIRE season. This twist worked so well because while it was truly unexpected, it also made sense. Not only that, it was in plain site the whole time, right on screen. This is perhaps the first and only time I have been inspired to rewatch Westworld in order to look for clues in Tessa Thompson's performance (and they are there!) It was neat, surprising, and sensical, the ultimate trifecta of television twistery. This was by far the best twist in the season, and dare I say the series. It was quite simply elegant, a word I don't think I have ever used to describe the behemoth of Westworld. But also of course more questions were raised. At the end of the episode we see Dolores, restored to her form, and Tessa Thompson together (in what I am hopeful is a direct sequel to San Junipero), but if Dolores is back in her own body, who is in Tessa's? Dolores left Westworld with a purse full of host balls (lol), so who else was in the bag? Who is Tessa now??

But let's talk about that other big twist, that after the credits twist (what is this a Marvel movie?) that Man in Black twist. Ugh, is the only real feeling I have about it, followed by "why are you telling us this". The episode opened with the Man in Black as we left him in the previous episode, digging into his arm in search of a port to prove his hostdom. Dolores rides up on him in this grotesque scene (he uh, made pretty good progress in the gouging department) and recruits him to journey with her to the Forge. During this interaction she also slips the flattened bullet from Teddy's head into his gun, which eventually causes it to backfire when he inevitably turns on Dolores. This was confusing to me as, while dramatically impressive, there was no way for her to know at what time he would fire that bullet. The two of them did quite a bit of firing at the Delos security cornering Bernard, who is to say he wouldn't have gotten to the bullet at that point. Anyway, after blowing his hand off Dolores leaves the MiB on the surface while she and Bernard continue into the Forge. After Bernard kills Dolores we cut between the MiB riding an elevator into the Forge, and Bernard escaping. Visually, it seems as if the two will intersect, but when the elevator comes for Bernard the MiB is nowhere to be seen. In fact we don't see the MiB again until the end of the episode at the guest evacuation point where he is lying in a tent, wounded but still alive. Seemed like sort of an anti-climactic arc for him for the finale UNTIL the credits rolled and we rejoined the MiB in his elevator journey. This time we see him arriving at the Forge and seeing a clearly very hosty-version of Katja Herbers. He declares "I knew it!" and she escorts him to the round studio room we saw Peter Mullan in early this season. She begins interviewing him the same way that the MiB himself interviewed Peter Mullan's character, thus revealing that the MiB is....what? A host? A human/host hybrid? And Katja Herbers really was a host this whole time? It was clear they wanted to end the episode with a "HOLY SHIT" moment, but instead of screaming "WHAT!" my first thought was "WHY?" In a finale that had packed so much information, why add this in? Why negate the MiB's humanity even further? Honestly the most interesting thing about his character at this point was his waning humanity, and if that's gone too, what's the point? But after many days of thinking about it, here is what makes the most sense re: what's going on here. Earlier in this episode we saw inside of The Forge, where Peter Mullan's "code" was repeatedly tested in an attempt to emulate the original. This process was overseen by a copy of Ben Barnes, Peter Mullan's son, whose abandonment was the pivotal moment of Peter Mullan's life. I think what is happening with the Man in Black is a similar situation, where the Forge program is running different "versions" of the MiB in preparation for creating a host/human hybrid. It would make sense then this process would be overseen by the code version of his daughter, whose murder at the MiB's hands could easily be considered a similar pivotal life moment. But then what does this mean for the series, is everything we've seen so far a simulation run by the machine? And then what exactly was the point of Ford's game for the MiB? To lead him here? To distract him? And then why? Unlike the Tessa Thompson twist, this twist was complicated, unwieldy and seems detrimental to the emotional impact of the story. If you have a different take on what happened here, by all means please let me know.

As this season ends, our heroes have become separated into three locations. We have the hosts that were uploaded into Host Heaven and sent out to a random satellite. Most notably these hosts include Akecheta, Teddy and Maeve's daughter. It's not clear what adventures are left for them to have up on their satellite, but's also unlikely that James Marsden is off the show. However now that Dolores has access to a host-making machine, she could always whip up a new Teddy with a different personality...  Speaking of, we also now have a contingency of hosts in the "real" world including Dolores, Bernard, whoever lives in Tessa, and whoever was in Dolores' ball bag. Dolores' goal is to destroy humankind, but as you all know by now I am STILL waiting for answers re: where Westworld is and what being in the "real" world actually means. I will never let this go, it drives me crazy. Finally we also have host characters still in the park, although it looks like many of our friends were destroyed by zombie death Clementine, in one of the final scenes we see technicians Felix and Sylvester being tasked with salvaging any hosts they can. At this they meaningfully turn and look at the pile of bodies containing Maeve, Armistice, and Rodrigo Santoro. Salvageable indeed. And while dead is never really dead on a show like Westworld, it does seem like Shannon Woodward and Simon Quarterman finally met their makers. Of course there is always a chance for host resurrection now that we know every human in the parks data was coded, but of all the death, theirs seemed the most permanent. There is also the last moment revelation that Luke Hemsworth has been a host all the time, tasked by Ford to protect the hosts of the park. He did spend an awful lot of time this season trying to make sure that Bernard stayed safe. He is also able to immediately recognize that Tessa is really Dolores, something the audience wasn't able to do all season, and then just lets her loose to supposedly destroy humanity. That's cold Luke.

Finally let's talk about the predictions I was right about and the burning questions for next season. In the first episode I predicted that Dolores was responsible for the deaths of the Westworld hosts, including Teddy, and I was KIND OF RIGHT. While the flood didn't cause the host’s deaths, rather their corpses were simply swept up in it, Dolores DID cause the flood and she did WANT to delete all the hosts. Also it is arguable she drove Teddy to suicide by messing up his programming. So I am going to claim this. I also believe that the park's location is a matter of consequence, and if never addressed is a huge plot hole. Yes, this is the hill I will die on. This episode also left a lot of questions, we know the fate of the Westworld hosts (dead or uploaded to Host Heaven), but what happened to all the hosts in the other parks? Did the other six parks also have a Valley Beyond situation? Are there clean-up crews hard at work there as well? While Westworld is clearly the crowning jewel of the parks, there are still a lot of other hosts out there, and perhaps even surviving guests, that simply haven't been accounted for. We have also now seen three parks, will we get to see the other four next season? I am still firmly of the belief that the "real" world that Dolores is in, is really just "CityWorld". Again, yes, this is the hill. Another question is, if Luke Hemsworth is a host, why wasn't he infected by Clementine's virus? Why didn't Maeve immediately incapacitate Clementine, or Matrix stop all the hosts? She did at the very end, but it seems like a missed opportunity for her to admin-power-battle Clem.

Overall this finale episode, like the season in general, had high highs and low lows. This season was able to tell some of the most powerful and emotionally affecting stories of the series, with the highlights being Maeve's journey into Shogun World and the near-standalone tale of Akecheta's lost love. These stories delivered fleshed out characters with relatable motivations and high stakes, they also had a clear beginning, middle and end. And in a show which just seems to be falling on and on down the plot expansion rabbit-hole, stories with complete arcs stand out. The Tessa/Dolores twist worked so well because it also marked the clear ending of another character's emotional journey. Bernard struggles with his faith in human nature, and his role in helping the hosts all season. With his decision to bring Dolores back to life and let her murder whoever she wants, he has clearly made a firm decision on where he stands, bringing his season-long arc to a conclusive end. However this season, and episode, was also plagued with the murkiness and purposeful obfuscation that has become an unfortunate hallmark of the series. Often emotional connection is lost as the show brings in seemingly endless technological developments (the Cradle, the Forge, human/hosts, park wide activation codes, system access, guest profiles, mind-reading hats), that often feel more like a distraction than authentic world-building. Both seasons of the show also have relied heavily on multiple timelines, and while this season was upfront about its time hopping, it was a bit straining to try and keep the two separated as a viewer. Don't get me wrong, I love shows that aren't afraid to challenge their audience, but keeping the dozens of storylines straight in addition to time and space, sometimes makes watching the show feel more like work than entertainment. Ultimately this season did do a lot right, and was able to make up for some of the failings of the initial run. My hope for season 3 is a more focussed story that is able to deliver twist quality over quantity. I hope instead the writers take different kinds of risks in the storytelling: investigating new worlds, spending time with unexpected characters, and creating complex emotional bonds. My fear is that going into a "larger" world will cause the smaller stories to get lost. After all, who cares what's going on back at the park when Dolores is leading a massacre of mankind. Of course if she even IS in a larger world at all.....

Writing about Westworld was exhausting. I miss The Magicians.

XO MD

[aion-rsa]

How Should Doctor Who Celebrate its 60th Anniversary?

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Since hitting screens in 1963, Doctor Who has gone from televisual titbit to cultural phenomenon to institution to something approaching a secular religion. It’s older than Star Trek and Star Wars, if not quite as world-renowned; it’s younger than The Twilight Zone, yet more frequent, and frequently successful, in its iterations. True, Doctor Who spent many long years in the wilderness, but then so did Jesus, and things turned out okay for him. You know… eventually.

The show owes its laudable longevity to a series of happy accidents, shrewd moves and fortuitous casting decisions in its formative years, not least of which was the radical re-casting of the main character after William Hartnell became too unwell to continue; a bold gambit that could just as easily have soured the audience and sunk the show as cemented its status as a pop culture behemoth. Thankfully – as well we know – the introduction of the concept of Regeneration was the key to Doctor Who’s enduring presence, adaptability and relevance. While William Hartnell wowed a generation of children and their families as the curmudgeonly yet kindly First Doctor, without Patrick Troughton’s affable, vulnerable and very human turn as the Second Doctor, there might not even have been a fifth anniversary, much less the one we’re approaching.

Doctor Who – the world’s longest-running sci-fi show – is now on the cusp of its 60th anniversary, a milestone it will reach in November 2023 with, well… who knows who at the helm. But how should it commemorate its anniversary? What would fans like to see? First, let’s jump in the TARDIS and find out how the show has marked its previous anniversaries.     

10th Anniversary: ‘The Three Doctors’ (1973)

‘The Three Doctors’ wasn’t an anniversary celebration in the way we’ve come to understand it now. There was little pomp or spectacle, not by Who standards anyway. It barely even qualified as an anniversary story, sneaking in at the start of 1973, many long months before the show’s actual birthday. Instead, the first multi-Doctor story was a quiet affair, the highlight of which was, naturally, the barbed banter between Troughton‘s bumbling space hobo and Pertwee’s aristocratic martial artist. Of course, Hartnell’s First Doctor featured too, forming the triumvirate promised in the title, although owing to ill health, his appearances were rationed and entirely confined to the TARDIS’ viewing screen, from where he doled out advice and withering put-downs.

In this mildly ho-hum but fun adventure, the Doctors come face to face not only with each other, but also Omega, Gallifrey‘s greatest figure of legend, who in his isolation and rage has become a supremely camp villain, fond of squatting and plotting in pocket-dimensions with only telepathically-controlled blobs of goo for company. I guess it’s true what they say: never meet your heroes.

20th Anniversary: ‘The Five Doctors’ (1983)

By 1983, things had been kicked up a notch. Here we had an ambitious tale that weaved together 20 years’ worth of Doctors, and their friends and enemies. No amorphous blobs or bonkers old Time Lords in ball-gowns here, but Cybermen, Daleks, Yetis, The Master – and newcomer the Raston Warrior Robot, a sort of ninja-dancing death machine in a tight lycra gimp-suit.

As before, the anniversary show’s title was something of a misnomer, though admittedly ‘The Three Doctors, No Doctor and a Sort of Doctor’ probably wouldn’t have been as arresting. Tom Baker declined to participate, necessitating the use of stock footage from the then-incomplete serial ‘Shada’ to represent the Fourth Doctor. William Hartnell had died in 1975, and so The First Doctor was portrayed by Richard Hurndall (who himself died less than a year after transmission of ‘The Five Doctors’). Still, what the feature-length episode lacked in marquee names, it made up for with a state banquet of companions, even bringing back K9. We see the Second Doctor chumming up with the Brigadier and Captain Yates (plus experiencing a vision of Jamie and Zoe), the Third Doctor teaming up with Sarah Jane Smith, and the First Doctor reuniting with his granddaughter, Susan, who seems to have completely forgotten he’d abandoned her in a far-future, war-ravaged earth at the close of ‘The Dalek Invasion of Earth’.   

The story is a nonsensical, confusing, over-the-top mess, nothing more than a rising pyramid of side-quests and fan-service set-pieces all culminating in a damp squib of an ending. But you know what? To quote Christopher Eccleston’s Doctor: it’s fantastic. The best and only approach to ‘The Five Doctors’ is to switch off your critical faculties, sit back, and let warm rivulets of novelty and nostalgia rinse their way over your amygdala. Coo as the First Doctor tricks the Cybermen at electric chess. Cheer as the Second Doctor encounters his old nemesis the Yeti. Laugh your pants off as the Third Doctor uses a tow rope to save Sarah Jane from the perils of a very slight incline. And lament that the whole episode wasn’t just the Doctors trapped in a room together being really, really catty with each other.               

25th Anniversary: ‘Silver Nemesis’ (1988)

The show’s 25th anniversary year gave Sylvester McCoy‘s Seventh Doctor his first taste of both the Daleks and the Cybermen. ‘Remembrance of the Daleks’ wasn’t just McCoy’s best, it was arguably one of the best of the Classic Who era. The Seventh Doctor brooded, calculated and plotted, a noticeably darker figure to the spoon-playing, spoonerism-addicted, spoonish buffoon we’d been introduced to in Season 24. His vengeful, genocidal actions at the close of the serial pretty much kick-started the Time War. Ace was on fine form, too, dashing around Coal Hill school in 1963 wielding explosives and a baseball bat. ‘Silver Nemesis’ was the actual anniversary episode, and it was by far the weaker of the two commemorative offerings, but still a tremendous amount of silly fun. Nazis, Cybermen, medieval interlopers, an angry statue, the Doctor bopping to jazz. What’s not to like?

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30th Anniversary: ‘Dimensions in Time’ (1993)

By the time Doctor Who‘s 30th anniversary came along in 1993, the show had already been cancelled for four years, entering that phase of its history known to fans as The Wilderness Years. The show had become, in deed and in memory, a parody of itself; a forgotten, end-of-the-pier relic. The only thing left of its legacy was a shared perception of how it had been at its campiest and silliest. All of this is painfully apparent in ‘Dimensions in Time’, a horrific charity crossover special somewhere between Doctor Who and BBC soap opera EastEnders. Thankfully, this two-parter isn’t considered canon, though I’m happy to provide the extra ‘n’ to have it shot out of one.

On the one hand, you could say that this was just a diverting little segue to raise money for sick children, and thus shouldn’t be judged too harshly, nor taken too much to heart. On the other hand, this was the only Doctor Who content produced for its anniversary year, so it’s hard not to interpret the existence of ‘Dimensions in Time’ existence as a hard slap in the face from an infinitely rolling multiverse of giant outstretched hands.

While ‘The Five Doctors’ leaned into nostalgia, ‘Dimensions in Time’ is entirely composed of it, chopping and changing Doctor and Companion combos in an orgy of What-If-ness (though admittedly, it was nice to see the Sixth Doctor get his chance to interact with the Brigadier, even if he was just shouting things at him over the noise of a helicopter). The Rani here completes her journey from plausible character with complex motivations to full-blown panto baddy. Tom Baker again sits this one out, opting instead to deliver ASMR from inside a computerised lava lamp. Near the climax of the piece, EastEnders‘ Albert Square falls under attack from a multitude of Who’s most infamous monsters (and some not so), and no-one except the Doctors and their revolving retinue of companions seem to care. It’s hard not to perceive a corollary with how the show itself was regarded by the general public at that time, a state of affairs not helped by audio-visual snot like this. In retrospect, the best 30th anniversary celebration would have been none at all.      

40th Anniversary: ‘Scream of the Shalka’ (2003)

‘Scream of the Shalka’ was produced to tie in with Doctor Who‘s fortieth anniversary. It aired as a series of fully-animated webisodes – a forerunner of the animation now routinely used to resurrect lost episodes from Classic Who’s yesteryears. It starred Richard E Grant as a now non-canonical version of Gallifrey’s most famous traveller, and put him toe-to-toe with a race of inter-dimensional, world-conquering, telepathic, super-sonic lava beasts. It was written by Who aficionado Paul Cornell (who would later pen ‘Father’s Day’ and ‘Human Nature/The Family of Blood’).  And it was good, very good indeed.

Richard E Grant’s Doctor is tall, gaunt and imposing, with a style of dress somewhere between vampire royalty and ostentatious undertaker. He’s blunt, withering, cantankerous and all-round deliciously alien, much like Peter Capaldi at the beginning of his tenure as the Twelfth. When he orders wine from an English bar, Alice (Sophie Okonedo) his server and companion-to-be, tells him, ‘We only do dry or sweet,’ to which he spits back, ‘And I don’t do sweet.’ There is also a plaintive, desperate loneliness about this Doctor, evident from the presence in his TARDIS of an android containing the consciousness of the Master (Derek Jacobi, who would later play the Master again on TV next to David Tennant’s Tenth) with whom he travels.

All of this would have been interesting to unpack and explore had ‘Scream of the Shalka’ precipitated a full and continuing series, which was the intention at the time, a plan stopped only, of course, by the announcement that the show would be returning to television. This blessed move had not only been inspired by but made possible by work on this project. Now that’s a 40th anniversary present and a half.

And with that, Christopher Eccleston would be the ninth Doctor, not Richard E Grant, and while that was, well, fantastic, it’s impossible not to wonder… what if?       

50th Anniversary: ‘Day of the Doctor’ (2013)

By the dawning of its 50th year, the show had been back on screens for eight years and three Doctors. The modern incarnation of the show had re-ignited the nation’s love affair with Doctor Who, adding widespread critical acclaim and global commercial success to its former cult appeal. It was clear this anniversary special had to be its biggest and boldest yet, and so it proved.

Showrunner Steven Moffat brought his best mind-bending, timey-wimey-ness to bear on ‘Day of the Doctor’, a story that brought together UNIT, Zygons, time-travelling paintings, a re-framing of the Time War, the re-emergence and resurrection of Gallifrey, and, of course, the sheer delight of the Tenth and Eleventh Doctors having the time of their lives teaming up. Added to the mix, in lieu of the Ninth Doctor (after Christopher Eccleston declined to participate), was John Hurt’s The War Doctor, a grizzled, frazzled veteran of The Time War – The Doctor who came to exist because he was capable of doing things that other Doctors couldn’t or wouldn’t but who, in the end, proved himself more than worthy of Doctor-hood. Not to mention the appearance of the mysterious Curator at the episode’s end, sporting a very familiar yet age-worn face.

2013 was an embarrassment of riches for the show. Not only did we get the exciting and engaging ‘Day of the Doctor’, but ‘An Adventure in Space and Time‘, the touching and contemplative story of William Hartnell’s (here played by future First Doctor, David Bradley) relationship with the show; ‘The Night of the Doctor’, a mini-episode that featured the welcome return of the Eighth Doctor (Paul McGann); and, of course, the absolutely wonderful ‘The Five-ish Doctors’, a surrealist, meta, very funny, Curb Your Enthusiasm-style romp that followed the exploits of Peter Davison, Colin Baker and Sylvester McCoy as they tried desperately to insert themselves into the 50th anniversary celebrations.      

60th Anniversary: TBA (2023)

So what of the 60th? Traditionally, these kinds of milestones aren’t celebrated with as much intensity and fervour as, say, the 25th or the 50th. However, given that the show appears to be going through a decline in ratings and popularity, perhaps a big barnstormer is just what the Doctor ordered; something to give the show a shot in the arm to see it through the next six decades, rather than risk it tumbling over a cliff and staggering into the desert of its next wilderness years.

A multi-Doctor story seems the sure-fire way to do that. But who, and how many? Though Christopher Eccleston has returned to the Whoniverse in Big Finish form, the jury is still out on whether he’d be willing to participate in a fully-fledged BBC iteration of the show again. While the rest of the modern contingent’s faces are still fresh, though, it would be a joy to see the Tenth, Eleventh, Twelfth and Thirteenth Doctors get together. Perhaps even in tandem with the Eighth Doctor, who surely deserves another crack at the small-screen whip, however brief. It’s more likely, though, that Jo Martin’s Fugitive Doctor would be the one to join them, contingent upon whether or not she returns in the upcoming 13th season, and how her arc pans out.     

How about involving the classic Doctors? Not in a peripheral capacity as a sequel to ‘The Five-ish Doctors’ (although that would be very welcome) but due to the almost infinite possibilities inherent in the premise of the show, it surely wouldn’t be difficult to fashion a story in which Doctors Four to Seven returned togged up in their trademark outfits, along with their contemporary, and very age-worn faces. Perhaps some entity could pluck them from the time-streams and hold them captive, explaining their appearance through some sort of malfeasance or timey-wimey-ness. Big Finish has already given us the supreme delight of the Tenth Doctor teaming up with the Fourth and Fifth Doctors. What a joy it would be to behold the Sixth and Twelfth Doctors trying to out-bicker each other, or the Fourth Doctor passing judgement on the Eleventh’s bow-tie?    

Might other, more unexpected Doctors appear? Thanks to the precedent set by The Mandalorian in plucking the character of Ahsoka Tano from the Star Wars’ animated universe, and setting her down in live-action continuity, there’s no reason why the Whoniverse can’t do the same with The Shalka Doctor. ‘But he’s not canon,’ I hear you cry. Perhaps so. But the seismic aftershocks of ‘The Timeless Children’ took canon and crushed it to dust. If we’re going to be stuck with it, might as well extract as many pluses from it as possible before some future showrunner decides to retcon the whole affair. It doesn’t even need to be connected to existing lore. If there are multiple, even infinite, dimensions out there, the Shalka Doctor may very well hail from one of them. 

As to monsters? The Daleks and the Cybermen have been rather over-used lately, and their appearance in an anniversary special would be neither special nor especially welcome. It may be time to bring back an old monster or foe, one of supreme power that could give the Doctors a run for their money. Could the Black Guardian again don his crow-hat and return to wreak havoc with time? Or even the mighty Sutekh, who in ‘The Pyramids of Mars’ almost destroyed both the Fourth Doctor and the very world itself?

Whatever happens on Doctor Who’s next big anniversary, let’s just pray to the cosmos that it veers closer in tone to ‘Day of the Doctor’ or ‘The Five Doctors’. Nobody wants to see a cross-over with Coronation Street.

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How would you like to see Doctor Who celebrate its 60th anniversary?

The post How Should Doctor Who Celebrate its 60th Anniversary? appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[justasmallbloginabigklainefandom]

Great OMGCP fanfics

All the Sights of Paris by writingonpostcards

Eric and Jack meet atop the Eiffel Tower. It's the beginning of a few whirlwind days together, but Eric's leaving soon. How much can really happen between them in just a few days?

--

Jack holds out his hand and Eric takes it. Instead of shaking it like Eric was expecting, Jack pulls him in gently, and kisses him once on both cheeks. “See you around,” Jack says with confidence.

Like breathing was easy by lillaseptember (part 7 of a series)

Jack has a panic attack. Bitty (and the kids) help him through it.

--

“We have seven kids downstairs who all think you’re their hero. And it’s not because of the reasons you think it is. It’s because you pick them up from practice with the same terrible puns every Tuesday, actually listen to what they know is their ridiculous teenage gossip, let them win wrestling matches in the most dramatic way imaginable, watch Aristocats with them 17 times in a row, kiss their injuries better, memorize presidents with them, make that godawful mac ‘n’ cheese for ‘em.”

Set Your Old Heart Free by IBoatedHere*

Jack doesn’t find Bitty after graduation. They don’t kiss. Jack doesn't go to Madison for the 4th. They still fall in love.

falling into place by furyofthetimelords

Your soulmark doesn’t settle until you’ve met your soulmate.

Neither Jack or Eric notice when it happens.

Irreplaceable by JustLookFrightenedAndScuttle

Bitty gets too wrapped up in his worry that his relationship with Jack could cost Jack too much.

Breakaway by AntarcticBird

The first time Jack sees him is at the beginning of his sophomore year at Samwell, a completely normal Monday night, and at first he thinks he has gone insane.

Excuse Me While I Kiss This Guy by PorcupineGirl

Jesse Snowden knows all the best restaurants and gourmet food shops in Providence, so when Jack Zimmermann starts bringing in incredible baked goods, he's eager to find out where the new bakery is. When he meets the man behind the pies, he decides that there's no way Jack could really appreciate this guy's talent the way he does, even if they are friends. He starts hiring Jack's chef on the side, in the hopes that maybe once Bitty's done with college he'll come work for Jesse.

Good thing there is absolutely no way whatsoever that Jesse could possibly be misinterpreting this situation.

Mother’s Weekend by rosepetals42*

Hello there! Long time, no see (my bad I know) but, here: an Alicia Zimmermann-centric piece as she goes to Parents’ Weekend during Jack’s freshmen year. [focus on Alicia, Jack, and Shitty] 6k

Imagine being a tadpole though by rosepetals42

Outsider POV, zimbits, canon-compliant, 2nd person, 4k ish, yes this got way longer than expected

when it’s over (you’re the start) by onawingandaswear

Jack goes to sleep in Providence next to his boyfriend and wakes up in Montréal to discover he’s been in a coma since 2009. Refusing to believe Samwell, Bitty, and the Falconers were all a dream, Jack tracks down the real Shitty, Lardo, Ransom, and Holster to find they’ve shared the same group hallucination for years. Now, they’re on a mission to find Bitty, the love of Jack’s non-existent life, and the only member of SMH they can’t seem to get in contact with.

ABC by alphardhy

effort, n.

It is worth it.

Jack and Bitty's relationship told through short dictionary entries. (The title is quite self-explanatory, really.)

Ice Crew Please! by rosepetals42*

Jack Zimmermann was drafted first by the Providence Falconers when he was eighteen years old. He is good at hockey. Very good. His team won the Cup his second year and now, in his third year, they are looking good. Jack should be on top of the world. And some days, he manages to convince himself he is.

He’s not, of course.

Enter the Ice Crew.

a tale of love and how it finds you by nightswatch 

Bitty sees Jack Zimmermann almost every morning, but he’s never said a single word to him. Honestly, Jack Zimmermann probably doesn’t even know that he exists.

Revenge is best served @ by Perpetual Motion (perpetfic)

The ESPN hockey anchors take a cheap shot. Bitty takes one back.

i'll see you with your laughter lines by the_one_that_fell*

Eric Bittle was fourteen when his soulmate died.

They'd never even gotten to meet.

Hold on Forever by an orphan account (part 2 of a series)

Eric Bittle doesn't think he's going to be standing at his boyfriend's sledge hockey game holding a sign that says, "Yo, Go To Prom With Me Jack Zimmermann," at almost thirty years old and yet...here he is.

these hands are meant to hold by worth_the_risk (part 1 of a series)

There are a select few times over the course of Jack and Shitty’s friendship when Jack, frozen like the Pond in January, has to be told to move.

Plans For The Future by ticktockclockwork

Contrary to popular belief, when Jack was spiraling, things did not move in slow motion. The frantic beating of his heart was anything but slow; the rapid fire thoughts pinballing around his mind almost incomprehensible in their speed.

In therapy, he'd often heard people describe their attacks as a slow motion train crash, a suffering drawn out experience that they were helpless to stop.

But for Jack, while ’train crash’ was definitely apt for what he felt, it was anything but slow and, in fact, he was usually the one at the controls.

All this to say, Jack was in a very bad place.

The Little Things That Give You Away by annathaema (moony)

"S'fine," says Jack, trying to keep it hidden from Shitty. "I wasn't really doing anything, just-"

"Knitting!"

--

Jack has an unusual hobby, but it helps.

Alive and Loved by Piehead

Bitty has depression. He lives with it.

Love Is To Be Made by DoubleNegative

“Jack turns in a slow, aimless circle in the middle of his living room. Blank white walls. Bare floor. A sofa, a TV, a coffee table: just the basics, really. Well, no wonder it doesn’t look like home; he can’t blame his apartment’s sudden coldness and its empty echoing spaces solely on the absence of one Eric R. Bittle. It just… doesn’t look like anyone lives here. It doesn’t feel like anyone lives here. He has no idea how to change that.”

(Or… Jack comes home from Madison to an apartment that doesn’t smell like cinnamon, and teammates who don’t know what he means he says ‘swawesome. It feels like it should be easier, turning the place he lives into a home and the people he plays hockey with into teammates. But even ‘easy’ things have always felt harder than they should.)

Puck Aversion: The Birth of A Goalie Superstition by Betweenthepies (Reikiari)

Every hockey player has their thing. Goalies? Even more so. So what is Chris Chow's? He will never touch a puck with his bare hands. (Five times Chris Chow won't touch a puck and one time he does.)

one of the gays by heyfightme

Bitty isn’t even sure whether he wasn’t meant to hear. It’s a party, and they’re all public, and it’s Bitty’s Haus too. More than that, it’s Bitty’s kitchen. There’s no discernible secrecy in operation.

“I mean, Bitty’s gay. One of my best friends; he put these curtains up.” The girl Holster is talking to – brown curls, white jeans, suntanned shoulders – looks to the curtains and coos, “Aww, that’s so cute.”

Bitty’s neck twinges.

—

in which bitty and jack are like: [sarcastic laughter] straight people

Wizarding sports by prongsyouignoramus and awfullyruby (not really a fic)

so @prongsyouignoramus and I had a convo that spun into a full blown hc so I thought I’d share this in the hopes it will one day inspire a fanfic author  *nudge nudge, wink wink*  or just for funsies, I guess

just two kids without their jackets by the_one_that_fell (3 part series)*

Jack makes a difficult decision and finds a new calling.

and not waving but drowning by the_one_that_fell (part 1 of a series)

Jack considered himself an Icarus of sorts. He never thought he’d learn to love the sun.

like a handprint on my heart by the_one_that_fell*

“Dude, we’ve got an over-competitive golf dad, a badass art freak, a pre-med lax bro on the verge of a breakdown, a chronically naked rugby player, a beat-boxing giant, and an itty-bitty, baking figure skater - there’s no way we came together accidentally. This wasfate.”

“Or it’s the normal progression of human beings making friends. Chill out, bro.”

(Or, the one where no one plays hockey, but it still manages to bring them all together.)

the messes of men by decinq (4 part series)

His first year in the NHL isn't easy, but Jack has spent his entire life playing through the hurt.

My Words on Your Skin by There_Once_Was_A_Girl (no. 1 in a 6 part series of standalones)*

Jack and Bitty have a unique soul connection, they can write back and forth to each other by writing on their own skin. They know each other long before they've ever met. But when Jack overdoses Bitty thinks he's lost the love of his life forever.

Your Fake Name is Good Enough by DoubleNegative

Eventually Jack came back to himself, as he always did, shaky and exhausted but alive, and Shitty wrapped up his rambling story. “Anyway, man, that’s why if you ever have kids you shouldn’t make bets with your hedge fund buddies on their names. You’ll end up with a son named Barnaby Sylvester Knight, and trust me, that is no way to start a father-son relationship.”

“That’s a pretty awful name,” Jack whispered. “Thanks, man.”

Shitty just squeezed him tighter and didn’t protest at all when Jack finally drifted off, drooling a little on his pillow.

you’ve got my number by ambrosius*

It’s not as if Jack was totally inept when it came to technology. He could handle his Tweeter (Tweety? Twits? Twitter? Did it really matter?) just fine and if he’s honest, he much preferred texting to calling most days. So when he gets added to a group chat full of strangers, well, he’s pretty sure he can handle whatever comes next.

Graduation Day by IBoatedHere

It takes Jack 50 days to finally see what's been right in front of him for the past two years.

Will Wonders Never Cease by PorcupineGirl*

Eric has landed his dream job: social media manager for the Providence Falconers! Not only does he get paid to tweet, for an NHL team at that, but it’s a job where he’ll be able to make good use of his magic - when nobody’s looking, of course. Everyone on the Falconers is a joy to work with… with the notable exception of Jack Zimmermann. Eric understands that Jack doesn’t like social media, but he could certainly be a little more polite about it.

Luckily, Eric has support from his Samwell buddies, as well as his best friend - a man whose face he’s never seen, and whose name he doesn’t know. They met on an online forum where witches can gather anonymously, since it isn’t safe for them to advertise their existence in a world where magic isn’t trusted. They’ve been friends for years now, but Eric is only just starting to realize that he might have deeper feelings for someone he can never meet face-to-face.

i didn't know i was lonely til i saw your face by dharmainitiative*

Still rebounding from a breakup, Derek Nurse moves into a loft in downtown LA and attempts to navigate living with five former college hockey players.

Or, a New Girl AU.

if you're going through hell (keep going) by onawingandaswear*

Eighteen years ago, Samwell suffered the tragic loss of one of their most promising young athletes. Ever since rumors have circulated that the school is haunted by the ghost of Eric Bittle. At least, that’s the only way anyone can seem to explain why the locker rooms smell like freshly baked apple pie on game days instead of the usual, omnipresent hockey funk.

Now in the twilight of his career, Jack Zimmermann is facing his own mortality and the last item on his bucket list?

Return to Samwell and disprove the rumor that his long-dead boyfriend is haunting Faber Memorial Rink.

And you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here? by RabbitRunnah

Bitty goes to bed after his "lucky shot" having made a decision. When he wakes up he ... is not where he expected to be. He has a career, and a baby, and -- this is the biggest surprise of all -- a husband who looks a lot like Jack Zimmermann.

And you may say to yourself, my god, what have I done? by RabbitRunnah

The last thing Jack Zimmermann remembers saying to Eric Bittle is "lucky shot." That doesn’t explain, at all, why he just woke up in Bittle’s bed.

A companion piece -- this time it's Jack's turn to get a peek at his future -- to And you may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?

Inertia by foryouandbits

At the age of seven, Eric Bittle is tackled so hard in peewee football, it feels as though he's been knocked into another dimension. At the encouragement of his father, he avoids contact sports until he receives a scholarship to play hockey at Samwell University. The result is the same: every check on the ice hurts so much that Eric hallucinates another world. Eric spends the rest of his freshman year attempting to prove himself to his captain and his coaches. He questions his worth, his talent, and his sanity, and in his search for answers, he uncovers long-hidden secrets that change everything he has ever known.

Merry Christmas, I'm Yours by RabbitRunnah

It takes Jack only a couple months after graduation to realize he's in love with Bitty.

It takes him almost 20 years to actually do something about it.

(Or, five Christmases Jack and Bitty spend together.)

right as things grow by wit

Loving and longing, one thousand miles apart: the summer of 2015, in which Jack realizes what he wants just in time for it to get on a plane and leave for Georgia.

[strangeguy32000]

2017 Round-Up (Part two)

As with yesterday’s list, here’s more movies I saw last year, but otherwise didn’t post a review of On here for one reason or another.

Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2.

As with the first entry in the Guardians of the Galaxy movie series, Volume 2 follows our swashbuckling group of space pirates-turned-unlikely-heroes as they attempt to not kill one-another and save the galaxy from one threat or another. This time, Kurt Russel’s Ego The Living Planet (Peter Quill/Star Lord’s otherwise absent father) decides its time for some good old-fashioned bonding/intergalactic destruction with his newly-found son. So, yeah, apparently Star Lord has some serious cosmic powers that allow him to damn near do whatever he wishes (and Kurt Russel can turn into David Hasselhoff and is nearly immortal due to him being a motherfucking planet with a humanoid avatar) The gang saves the day, and its hinted that every one of Stan Lee’s Cameos may actually be one and the same cosmic being just doing what he wants to do. Micheal Rooker’s Yondu gets a heartfelt side-story and Sylvester Stallone is there for some reason. This is one that is definitely better on the big screen than it is on the small screen. 7.8/10

It (2017)

An adaptation of the widely-regarded Stephen King horror novel of the same name, It tells the story of seven youths that have to drive an evil entity (Pennywise, the dancing clown, portrayed by Bill Skarsgård) out of their town before It kills them as horrifically as it does Stuttering Bill’s little brother in the film’s opening moments. Unlike the novel (which takes place in 1958) the movie takes place in the much more familiar 1980′s. The movie really covers the majority of the flashback part of the book, leaving the Losers Club’s second go after the unspeakable horror for another day. Bill Skarsgård really nails it as Pennywise, and it never seems like he’s trying to outdo or emulate Tim Curry’s portrayal of the demonic clown from the 1990 miniseries. The kids themselves do a great job in their respective roles and I was really surprised at Finn Wolfhard‘s performance as Richie “the mouth” Tozier (formerly portrayed by a Pre-Robot Chicken Seth Green) I’d only previously seen him in the Netflix original Series “Stranger Things”. It’s a fun, albeit frightening ride (this coming from someone that grew up on Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees) 7/10

Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie 

It’s hard to find a movie that really shouldn’t exist, but this one does and we’re all the better for it. Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie is based on the Dav Pilkey novel series of the same name, with elements from the first four novels tying the story together for the theatrical runtime of just under an hour and a half (huh). The film doesn’t hesitate to modernize the now-twenty-year-old source material and the movie is all the better for it. Something I really loved was the theme by “Weird” Al Yankovic... the last time that happened was for the 1996 Leslie Nielsen comedy “Spy Hard”. Tra-la-laaaa! Captain Underpants gets an 8/10

Justice League

The much-hyped team-up of Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, Cyborg, and The Flash (No word on whether or not Warner will waste a cool few hundred mill to bring Green Lantern to life again), Justice League brings our heroes together to... fight off one of Darkseid’s baddies... I guess? The story is really hard to follow at times. Because it shoehorns two backstories (Cyborg and Aquaman... and Aquaman’s isn’t done well) into the overall story, it isn’t easy to follow. It’s basically Justice League: War, but without Green Lantern and Shazam but with Aquaman. It’s a mess and I can’t say I really want to see it again. The best things I can say about it are that Gal Gadot continues to stun as Wonder Woman/Diana Prince and that Jason Momoa is hot as Arthur Curry/Aquaman. 6/10

[andie--jackson]

Self Para ll Self Reflection

*this is set super far in the future, after the divorce and the drip to Mexico. its also stupid long so please feel free to skip right past it. i just needed to write something for me really. 

“For fucks sake...” Andie grumbled under her breath, huffing as she pushed herself away from the desk that she had been sitting in for the past...however many hours. All of her coworkers had left long ago and yet here she was with a red pen in hand and the janitorial crew cleaning up the mess from the day. Well, all of the mess except for the papers that were scattered along her desk and the few that had been crumbled up completely and thrown across the small space in the general direction of a trash can.  Running her hands through her now much shorter hair, Andie glanced up at the wall clock- 11:58 PM. What the hell am I doing here? What am I doing with my life? 

They were questions that she had been asking herself a lot recently. Except- she knew the answer. She knew why she was still sitting in that office all alone working so diligently on something that she didn’t care about. She was scared. Scared because her entire world was changing and the only thing that was sure was that she was going to come out the other side a completely new person. And who isn’t afraid of change? 

Standing up Andie looked around at the office that she had been working in for the past few years. She had worked so hard to get to this point and for what? To have a boss that constantly harassed her? To be unappreciated in the amount of work put in? To stay up all night finishing a project only to be told she wasn’t good enough and never would be? To be told over and over that she’d never be successful...but if she had any hope of being it- it would be in this awful office? What did it even mean to be successful? Enough was enough. 

It was 3 A.M. by the time Andie was finally leaving the office. Her hair was tied back and being held by a pen, her work clothes had turned into the oversized t-shirt and shorts she kept in the back of her car for emergencies, and she had packed up every single last piece of her life from that office along the way. Slamming the Jeep door shut for the last time, she leaned against it as if it might all come tumbling out and she would never be able to put it all back again. “Thank you for your help, Sylvester,” Andie sighed, looking over at the man that she had grown to really like over the years. With watery eyes she pulled him into a hug, “You’re doing the right thing, Andie. Promise you won’t forget little ole’ me while you live out your purpose?” his voice was soft- kind, and choked up, “I could never forget about you. Can you leave this on his desk for me? Please?” she asked, pushing back the few loose strands of hair behind her ear as she held out a piece of paper for the man to leave on her bosses desk to find in the morning. And with that- she closed that chapter of her life and drove to the newest place she called home to continue her journey of starting over. 

The apartment wasn’t the best, it was in a seedy area and she was a little afraid to leave once it was dark- but it was home for the time being. Unlocking the door she was greeted by Maxes excited wiggles and a space she had yet to have the time to decorate. After the divorce, she had packed up her things and barely had time to drop them off before she was off again- chopping her long locks into a shoulder-length bob, dancing the night away in clubs with people she wouldn’t remember the next day, and eventually? Dropping everything to disappear into Mexico with a few men she had only met the night before. It was a whirlwind but somehow, she came back home and all her baggage was still there waiting for her. So she was picking up the pieces. Slowly. One at a time. But she was doing it. 

The next few weeks Andie disappeared in a new way. For once in her whole life, she disappeared into herself- desperate to find the answers she had been dreading to even think of her whole life. What does success mean to me? Who am I? Who do I want to be? What matters the most to me in the world? What would make me feel as if I’ve had the best, most fulfilling life imaginable?

She spent her mornings waking up before the sun so she could push her sleepy body into a wetsuit and out into the water on her board. Her days were spent outside in the park, or in her apartment with all the windows open, or in a coffee shop surrounded by creative people and the aroma of coffee- writing. The nights were the hardest, it was the time that she couldn’t hide from the fact that she was alone once again. Hunter wasn’t there. Bella wasn’t crawling into bed after a nightmare. It was just her, her night terrors, and Max once again. So, she spent the nights writing more often than sleeping. Her messy script scrawled out across multiple notebooks, random pieces of scrap paper, and post-its. But by the end of it she came out knowing three things:

1. She was going to be okay. She was strong and she had fought too hard to be where she was to not appreciate every single moment. Whatever life had to throw at her, she would be able to handle...even if it took her a while, eventually, she would come out of it a better person due to the adversity. 

2. Success is measured by happiness and that’s it. As long as what she was doing was bringing happiness to herself or the people around her- that was what it meant to be successful. Being creative, writing, drinking beers with her brother, movie nights with Kore, playing with the babies, joking around with Reed, trying Rissas newest recipes...those were the only things that mattered in the long run- time spent with her family. 

3. She didn’t need to carry the weight of the world by herself. She could let it go now. The trauma, the mistakes, the hurt- none of it brought happiness, none of it made her feel okay...and it was time to set it down. 

Holding five large stacks of paper close to her chest, Andie spent the day carefully hand delivering the packages. Driving to each house, setting them carefully on the front porch, and ringing the bell before going to the next. It felt ritualistic, the process. She started with Hunter, tears fell down her cheeks as she sat the thing she held most dear to her heart on the porch he used to welcome her home and kiss her goodbye on. Next, Alistair. She was the most nervous for this one...he was the most likely to be home- and the least likely to know anything about what she was about to share with him. Her hands shook as she set the package down and rang the doorbell. It was the only one she couldn’t stop checking the rearview mirror for as she drove away- waiting to see if he might come outside and pick it up. After that, it was to the Jackson’s house. It was the only one she didn’t just leave outside- instead, she walked right in and handed over the single most terrifying thing she had ever done in her life, and trusted that they would support her in her journey. The last stop was the hardest. She walked slowly, trying to stop her hands from trembling as she slid it across the counter and the woman on receiving end gave her a cheerful smile, “Oh! How exciting! Is this the final draft?” the girl asked, overstepping the boundary that Andie wasn’t aware she had set. Nodding her head, she struggled to find the words- after all, they were all sitting right there on the table between them. “Yes...the final draft of my book.”

[someoneoffthestreet]

GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY VOL 2

I SAW IT AND I CRIED AND NOW I’M GOING TO YELL ABOUT IT SPOILERS UNDER CUT.

The team’s main theme was playing clear and strong at every opportunity, it made my heart happy.

Peter and Gamora are such a dad and mom of the team I am emotional about this.

(I had concerns about the trajectory of their relationship going in but I was pleased with how it was handled.)

And EVERYBODY is a parent to Groot it’s amazing.

BABY GROOT IS VERY SMALL AND PRECIOUS PROTECT HIM.

ALSO GUYS I LOVE MY TINY MURDER RACCOON HE IS THE BEST.

Drax spends a lot of time with Mantis in this movie but he is funny and also so sad and I am sad now thinking about it.

Speaking of, Mantis is also very precious and adorable we need to keep her, can we keep her?

GAMORA AND NEBULA!!!! GAMORA AND NEBULA!!!!! I DID NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I NEEDED THIS UNTIL THE MOVIE GAVE IT TO ME GOOD AND GRACIOUS GRAVY!!!

Basically everyone on this team loves each other so much, they bicker a lot but they love each other a lot too and my heart is so full.

More in depth, there are shoutouts to the first movie and they are very obvious but they are nicely applied, too. It was just enough to kind of wink and nod at the fans, but there was very, very few retread. Just enough to let the audience know that these people understand what made the first gotg so special and how to keep that specialness.

Like, I was so, so nervous going into this movie, because the first one is- well, the first one, y’know? It had its flaws, but in a way those very flaws were kind of part of what made it so special, so it was worrying that the sequel wouldn’t live up to that. But instead of going bigger and flashier and whatnot, they decided to focus in on the characters and what makes them tick. And in that way, for me at least, it kind of creates this new context for the first film that makes it all the better. Which is what a sequel should do.

Like, y’know, YONDU.

THE BEST SPACE DAD.

My mom read off the beginning of an article that let slip a big spoiler, but I think even without it I would’ve realized what was going to happen when Sylvester Stallone’s character was like “The Solarion Sun[?] will never shine above your grave.” My brain immediately keyed into that and it was like, “Ah, yep, he’s gonna die.” BUT IT WAS STILL REALLY WELL DONE AND I CRIED.

“He said ‘Welcome to the frickin’ Guardians of the Galaxy.’ Only he didn’t use frickin’.” HOW DID THEY MAKE THAT LINE BOTH FUNNY AND EMOTIONAL, HOWWWWWWW.

Also? Also.

“I’m sorry. But I can only afford to lose one friend today.” UM EXCUSE ME I DID NOT GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO DO THAT TO MY HEART.

LIKE GAMORA IMMEDIATELY WANTING TO GO BACK FOR PETER AND DRAX SCREAMING AT ROCKET OVER THE INTERCOMS AND ROCKET’S GRIEF-STRICKEN SILENCE I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS.

OR PETER’S POWER OF LOVE INFUSED SECOND WIND I AM A MESS.

BASICALLY THERE WERE A LOT OF THINGS TO YELL ABOUT BUT I AM TIRED AND CAN’T YELL ANYMORE I AM LEAVING BUT I LOVED IT JUST SO YOU GUYS KNOW OK BYE.

[trendingnewsb]

5 Superhero Movies That Are Only Worth It For One Scene

Bad superhero films are a treasure. Not only does one make you disappointed with Hollywood for creating a bad movie, but it also makes you doubly frustrated because they’re messing up something that you know is good in comic book form. However, we shouldn’t write off a bad superhero movie immediately. Upon closer examination, these terrible films can contain little glimpses of promise — little glimpses that make you say “This might be a secret masterpiece.” Or at least, “This doesn’t suck every poop.”

5

Batman & Robin — The Criminal Property Locker

In the annals of bad superhero films, Batman & Robin stands alone. It isn’t a “Well, maybe it’s not THAT bad” film like Superman Returns or Spider-Man 3. It isn’t a “I’ll forget the plot of this before I even leave the theater” film like X-Men: The Last Stand or Daredevil. It isn’t a “That’s a damn shame” film like Superman IV: The Quest For Peace or Robocop 2. And it isn’t a “If there is a God, they wouldn’t let this happen” film like Catwoman or Spawn. Instead, it’s a film that somehow gets both more amazingly terrible and more inexplicably enjoyable with time. I hate it and I love it in equal measure, and years after I’m dead, researchers will discover my skeleton clinging to a VHS copy of it, like Quasimodo and Esmeralda at the end of Hunchback Of Notre Dame.

But the movie does have one extremely cool split second. Now, there is a well-known Easter egg in Batman & Robin: When Bane and Poison Ivy are breaking Mr. Freeze out of Arkham Asylum, you get a glimpse of the “Criminal Property Locker.” And in the locker are the costumes of the Riddler and Two-Face from Batman Forever. That’s kind of neat — though since Two-Face died by falling into a spiky underwater pit, it does imply that some poor Arkham intern had to dry-clean and sew his fucking suit back together.

Warner Bros.

Read Next

5 Things You Can't Help But Wonder When Watching Movies

But the rest of the stuff in the room implies that when the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman wasn’t eviscerating clowns or neon terrorists, he was still pretty busy. Beside the Riddler’s suit is a doll, so at some point, was Val Kilmer punching the shit out of B-list villain Toyman? Or is that the work of the Dollmaker, a guy who made dolls out of his victims’ skin? Is that dude still in Arkham? It’s unlikely, considering that Michael Keaton’s Batman was one part hero and nine parts sadist, and probably attached a bomb to Dollmaker and peed on him a little bit before even learning his name. But still, the scene adds history to a series that seemed to be mostly about Batman sitting around in his office, waiting for crime to happen.

And then, on the right side, we see a pair of boxing gloves. So good luck, guy who was using those. I’m sure your career as Two-Punch Man was really hitting its peak just before Michael Keaton ripped your intestines out through your eye holes.

But the most interesting part is the big mechanical suit that we see, and on first glance, you’d probably assume that it’s Mr. Freeze’s suit, since that’s what Poison Ivy broke into the locker to get. But Mr. Freeze’s suit looks nothing like that. So either Mr. Freeze has been fighting Batman and Robin for so long that he’s had to upgrade his technology in order to keep his chilly ass un-kicked, or it belongs to another mech-suited villain. The pyromaniac Firefly, maybe? That would be so awesome, and now I’m so pissed that I never got to see Val Kilmer stare expressionless around a bug man with a flamethrower. What were you even good for if you couldn’t give us that, the ’90s?

4

Judge Dredd — The Angel Gang

Judge Dredd came out in 1995, when we were still trying to figure out whether superhero movies were going to be a thing. Sure, Superman and Batman had been pretty successful, but was there hope for anyone else? The answer to that was “Not yet,” as proven by the lackluster Judge Dredd, which featured Sylvester Stallone. I know that we’re all currently pretty high on Stallone after Creed, but between Rocky IV and Rocky Balboa, he was having a rough time being in any movie that someone could honestly call good. At his best, he was in films like Demolition Man — or as my dad would call it, Daniel, we need to talk.

Judge Dredd has sweet set design, but other than that, it’s a lot of Stallone and Armand Assante shouting at side characters who are too useless to be given their own shouting dialogue. The only time it really perks up is when Stallone and his little buddy Rob Schneider get captured in the wastelands by the Angel Gang. The Angel Gang are cannibals, and their role in the movie almost feels like Judge Dredd DLC. But during the gang’s brief vacation in your eyeballs, Judge Dredd ceases to be a humdrum exploration into the beauty of shoulder pads, and starts feeling special.

There are plenty of movies wherein superheroes fight random gangs. There are just as many superhero movies where the hero is forced to fight a guy who could’ve been a hero, but instead went evil. But there are very few superhero films in which the hero has to tangle with the cast of The Hills Have Eyes. The Angel Gang is a bunch of wild cards. They don’t want to build a city-sinking torpedo or open up a portal to release an ancient evil whatever; they just want to snack on you a little bit. They won’t say any clever lines or reveal any master plans. At most, they’ll maybe give you a recipe for you, medium-rare.

Sadly, their stay is brief, because Stallone soon escapes and jams an electrical wire into the head of most monosyllabic among them. Of course, the mutant does get to say, “You killed my Pa,” so it’s not a total waste.

3

Blade: Trinity — The Human Farm

Throughout the Blade series, characters are constantly mentioning the fact that the vampire universe is bigger than you know. Sure, you think we live in a world of humans and puppy dogs and hit singles from Evanescence, but underneath it all, there’s a society of vampires. And when that society decides to rule the world, Blade will … take them out pretty easily, actually. For a race that’s apparently thiiiiis close to dominating the world, they sure seem to be divided into easily spin-kicked pockets.

Blade: Trinity is the worst Blade film. The best thing about Blade and Blade 2 is that they feel inventive and fresh. You’re getting things from them that you wouldn’t get from a Spider-Man or X-Men film — namely, Wesley Snipes cursing and reducing screeching henchmen to ashes. It’s why they’re two of my favorite superhero films. On the other hand, Blade: Trinity features boring-ass Dracula and his something or another quest to vaguely rule the world. After years of tackling rave mutants and goth Nosferatus, Blade’s final fight is with a bad Witcher cosplayer.

Luckily, we do get one scene that feels like it came out of the earlier films. Blade finds a human farm, where a bunch of comatose people are vacuum-sealed into big Ziploc bags and used as a constant source of vampire food. It’s super creepy, and when Blade gets told that they’re all brain-dead, he shuts the whole thing down with barely a second thought or a quietly growled “motherfucker.”

New Line Cinema

It also gives the movie (and the series) a sense of grand scale that it had been lacking. Oh, THIS is what the vampires were hyping up when they were jabbering on about their big vampire plans. Well, I apologize for not paying more attention, emo ghouls. My bad. My bad.

2

X-Men: Apocalypse — Wolverine’s Introduction

Before Logan, we only got tastes of Wolverine’s full potential as a fighter. One taste was in X2, when he has to defend Xavier’s School for Kool Kidz and Cyclops from William Stryker’s men. But the best pre-Logan scene of Wolverine grinding his way through bad guys in order to level up for the final boss was in X-Men: Apocalypse. Wolverine appears for only a few minutes in this movie, and he looks like an absolute monster.

Imagine you’re a security guard for some mutant research project. You don’t really worry about those mutants escaping, because why would you? They’re usually sedated and subdued, and if they did start waking up, there’s a whole room full of guys with heavy firearms who would blow them away. Then one day, you’re eatin’ a microwavable chicken pot pie and thinking about your novel when you hear “Weapon X is loose.” You know, the most dangerous experiment in a whole building full of dangerous experiments. Will the gun they’ve given you work against someone with adamantium claws and, if the rumors you heard are true, healing powers? Maybe.

That’s the feeling you get during the scene in which Wolverine escapes: pure, pee-your-pants, “Oh my god, I was not properly trained for this” terror. Sure, Logan has a lot of scenes where he cuts his way through dudes, but that movie frames it as action, while this turns Wolverine into a slasher villain. It doesn’t hurt that the scene ends with a splash of blood coming from offscreen, which is slasher movie code for “Daaaammmnnn.”

The rest of the movie is pretty subpar. The X-Men’s most powerful villain, Apocalypse, is handled so poorly that you just wish Magneto could be the main bad guy for the fourth time. But I guess it’s to be expected that the best part of an X-Men film would include Hugh Jackman. Oh, Hugh. Was it something I said? Please come back.

1

Batman v. Superman — The Warehouse Fight

Batman v. Superman didn’t give us a lot of what I would call “iconic” Batman moments. At one point, he does ask Superman, “Do you bleed?” and that’s pretty cool. But then Superman flies off because he has more important things to do than to lightly argue with some billionaire manchild, leaving Batman just standing there. So what does Batman do? He says, “You will,” and TOTALLY WINS THAT CONVERSATION. You sure got him, dude helplessly standing in the wreckage of his super car. I’m sure the shower argument that you had by yourself later was full of similar zingers. “DO YOU BLEED? WELL, I BET YOU DO. AND THEN I’D FUCKING PUNCH HIM LIKE THIS, AND SUPERMAN WOULD BE ALL LIKE, ‘NO, PLEASE, STOP, BATMAN. I BET YOUR PENIS DOESN’T EVEN SLIGHTLY CURVE TO THE LEFT.’ AND I’D BE ALL LIKE BAM. POW. SHUT UP.”

On a more positive note, Batman v. Superman does have one awesome scene: the warehouse fight. Now, before I get into why this part is so great, I do have to say that a lot of it has to do with the critically acclaimed Batman: Arkham games, which make every other Batman fight scene in every other medium look like a slap fight among friends. In the Arkham games, you can sneak up behind a dude, choke him out, zip up to a gargoyle, fly over and drop-kick a man’s torso off his body, zip back up to another gargoyle, tie a guy up to said gargoyle, throw a smoke pellet, hit a thug with an electric shock gun, choke out another dude, and then run up to the last dude as he fills you with bullets and hope that your body armor holds up for long enough so that Batman can someday wear the man’s skull as a shoe.

That’s the kind of thing that we got in the Batman v. Superman warehouse scene, during which Batman goes back and forth, rearranging an entire gang’s internal organs using everything in his disposal. Here are a few highlights:

– A guy comes into the room brandishing a grenade, so Batman kicks a guy he already has hanging from the ceiling into the grenade man.

– Batman Rock Bottoms a dude into the floor — a technique most assuredly taught to him by Ra’s al Ghul when Batman trained with all of those ninjas. “You must learn to conquer your fear, Bruce,” I remember Ra’s saying in Batman Begins. “CONQUER IT WITH THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW.”

– Batman uses his grappling hook gun thing to sling a box into a guy, and the guy gets hit so hard that he flies into a wall and the back of his goddamn head apparently comes off.

There are a lot of people who have a problem with Batman committing murder, but since my favorite superhero film is Batman Returns, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. At the very least, it gave us a chance to experience an Arkham City level on the big screen, narrated entirely by Ben Affleck’s grunts.

Daniel has a Twitter. Go to it. Enjoy yourself. Kick your boots off and stay for a while.

Live long enough to see yourself become the villain with your own Batman Utility Belt!

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Or sign up for our Subscription Service for exclusive content, an ad-free experience, and more.

For more, check out The 5 Most Awesomely Bad Comic Book Movies and 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 4 Things Superhero Movies Don’t Have the Balls to Do, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

Also follow us on Facebook. You won’t regret it.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2BzY3S6

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2yqnUd2 via Viral News HQ

[trendingnewsb]

5 Superhero Movies That Are Only Worth It For One Scene

Bad superhero films are a treasure. Not only does one make you disappointed with Hollywood for creating a bad movie, but it also makes you doubly frustrated because they’re messing up something that you know is good in comic book form. However, we shouldn’t write off a bad superhero movie immediately. Upon closer examination, these terrible films can contain little glimpses of promise — little glimpses that make you say “This might be a secret masterpiece.” Or at least, “This doesn’t suck every poop.”

5

Batman & Robin — The Criminal Property Locker

In the annals of bad superhero films, Batman & Robin stands alone. It isn’t a “Well, maybe it’s not THAT bad” film like Superman Returns or Spider-Man 3. It isn’t a “I’ll forget the plot of this before I even leave the theater” film like X-Men: The Last Stand or Daredevil. It isn’t a “That’s a damn shame” film like Superman IV: The Quest For Peace or Robocop 2. And it isn’t a “If there is a God, they wouldn’t let this happen” film like Catwoman or Spawn. Instead, it’s a film that somehow gets both more amazingly terrible and more inexplicably enjoyable with time. I hate it and I love it in equal measure, and years after I’m dead, researchers will discover my skeleton clinging to a VHS copy of it, like Quasimodo and Esmeralda at the end of Hunchback Of Notre Dame.

But the movie does have one extremely cool split second. Now, there is a well-known Easter egg in Batman & Robin: When Bane and Poison Ivy are breaking Mr. Freeze out of Arkham Asylum, you get a glimpse of the “Criminal Property Locker.” And in the locker are the costumes of the Riddler and Two-Face from Batman Forever. That’s kind of neat — though since Two-Face died by falling into a spiky underwater pit, it does imply that some poor Arkham intern had to dry-clean and sew his fucking suit back together.

Warner Bros.

Read Next

5 Things You Can't Help But Wonder When Watching Movies

But the rest of the stuff in the room implies that when the Tim Burton/Joel Schumacher Batman wasn’t eviscerating clowns or neon terrorists, he was still pretty busy. Beside the Riddler’s suit is a doll, so at some point, was Val Kilmer punching the shit out of B-list villain Toyman? Or is that the work of the Dollmaker, a guy who made dolls out of his victims’ skin? Is that dude still in Arkham? It’s unlikely, considering that Michael Keaton’s Batman was one part hero and nine parts sadist, and probably attached a bomb to Dollmaker and peed on him a little bit before even learning his name. But still, the scene adds history to a series that seemed to be mostly about Batman sitting around in his office, waiting for crime to happen.

And then, on the right side, we see a pair of boxing gloves. So good luck, guy who was using those. I’m sure your career as Two-Punch Man was really hitting its peak just before Michael Keaton ripped your intestines out through your eye holes.

But the most interesting part is the big mechanical suit that we see, and on first glance, you’d probably assume that it’s Mr. Freeze’s suit, since that’s what Poison Ivy broke into the locker to get. But Mr. Freeze’s suit looks nothing like that. So either Mr. Freeze has been fighting Batman and Robin for so long that he’s had to upgrade his technology in order to keep his chilly ass un-kicked, or it belongs to another mech-suited villain. The pyromaniac Firefly, maybe? That would be so awesome, and now I’m so pissed that I never got to see Val Kilmer stare expressionless around a bug man with a flamethrower. What were you even good for if you couldn’t give us that, the ’90s?

4

Judge Dredd — The Angel Gang

Judge Dredd came out in 1995, when we were still trying to figure out whether superhero movies were going to be a thing. Sure, Superman and Batman had been pretty successful, but was there hope for anyone else? The answer to that was “Not yet,” as proven by the lackluster Judge Dredd, which featured Sylvester Stallone. I know that we’re all currently pretty high on Stallone after Creed, but between Rocky IV and Rocky Balboa, he was having a rough time being in any movie that someone could honestly call good. At his best, he was in films like Demolition Man — or as my dad would call it, Daniel, we need to talk.

Judge Dredd has sweet set design, but other than that, it’s a lot of Stallone and Armand Assante shouting at side characters who are too useless to be given their own shouting dialogue. The only time it really perks up is when Stallone and his little buddy Rob Schneider get captured in the wastelands by the Angel Gang. The Angel Gang are cannibals, and their role in the movie almost feels like Judge Dredd DLC. But during the gang’s brief vacation in your eyeballs, Judge Dredd ceases to be a humdrum exploration into the beauty of shoulder pads, and starts feeling special.

There are plenty of movies wherein superheroes fight random gangs. There are just as many superhero movies where the hero is forced to fight a guy who could’ve been a hero, but instead went evil. But there are very few superhero films in which the hero has to tangle with the cast of The Hills Have Eyes. The Angel Gang is a bunch of wild cards. They don’t want to build a city-sinking torpedo or open up a portal to release an ancient evil whatever; they just want to snack on you a little bit. They won’t say any clever lines or reveal any master plans. At most, they’ll maybe give you a recipe for you, medium-rare.

Sadly, their stay is brief, because Stallone soon escapes and jams an electrical wire into the head of most monosyllabic among them. Of course, the mutant does get to say, “You killed my Pa,” so it’s not a total waste.

3

Blade: Trinity — The Human Farm

Throughout the Blade series, characters are constantly mentioning the fact that the vampire universe is bigger than you know. Sure, you think we live in a world of humans and puppy dogs and hit singles from Evanescence, but underneath it all, there’s a society of vampires. And when that society decides to rule the world, Blade will … take them out pretty easily, actually. For a race that’s apparently thiiiiis close to dominating the world, they sure seem to be divided into easily spin-kicked pockets.

Blade: Trinity is the worst Blade film. The best thing about Blade and Blade 2 is that they feel inventive and fresh. You’re getting things from them that you wouldn’t get from a Spider-Man or X-Men film — namely, Wesley Snipes cursing and reducing screeching henchmen to ashes. It’s why they’re two of my favorite superhero films. On the other hand, Blade: Trinity features boring-ass Dracula and his something or another quest to vaguely rule the world. After years of tackling rave mutants and goth Nosferatus, Blade’s final fight is with a bad Witcher cosplayer.

Luckily, we do get one scene that feels like it came out of the earlier films. Blade finds a human farm, where a bunch of comatose people are vacuum-sealed into big Ziploc bags and used as a constant source of vampire food. It’s super creepy, and when Blade gets told that they’re all brain-dead, he shuts the whole thing down with barely a second thought or a quietly growled “motherfucker.”

New Line Cinema

It also gives the movie (and the series) a sense of grand scale that it had been lacking. Oh, THIS is what the vampires were hyping up when they were jabbering on about their big vampire plans. Well, I apologize for not paying more attention, emo ghouls. My bad. My bad.

2

X-Men: Apocalypse — Wolverine’s Introduction

Before Logan, we only got tastes of Wolverine’s full potential as a fighter. One taste was in X2, when he has to defend Xavier’s School for Kool Kidz and Cyclops from William Stryker’s men. But the best pre-Logan scene of Wolverine grinding his way through bad guys in order to level up for the final boss was in X-Men: Apocalypse. Wolverine appears for only a few minutes in this movie, and he looks like an absolute monster.

Imagine you’re a security guard for some mutant research project. You don’t really worry about those mutants escaping, because why would you? They’re usually sedated and subdued, and if they did start waking up, there’s a whole room full of guys with heavy firearms who would blow them away. Then one day, you’re eatin’ a microwavable chicken pot pie and thinking about your novel when you hear “Weapon X is loose.” You know, the most dangerous experiment in a whole building full of dangerous experiments. Will the gun they’ve given you work against someone with adamantium claws and, if the rumors you heard are true, healing powers? Maybe.

That’s the feeling you get during the scene in which Wolverine escapes: pure, pee-your-pants, “Oh my god, I was not properly trained for this” terror. Sure, Logan has a lot of scenes where he cuts his way through dudes, but that movie frames it as action, while this turns Wolverine into a slasher villain. It doesn’t hurt that the scene ends with a splash of blood coming from offscreen, which is slasher movie code for “Daaaammmnnn.”

The rest of the movie is pretty subpar. The X-Men’s most powerful villain, Apocalypse, is handled so poorly that you just wish Magneto could be the main bad guy for the fourth time. But I guess it’s to be expected that the best part of an X-Men film would include Hugh Jackman. Oh, Hugh. Was it something I said? Please come back.

1

Batman v. Superman — The Warehouse Fight

Batman v. Superman didn’t give us a lot of what I would call “iconic” Batman moments. At one point, he does ask Superman, “Do you bleed?” and that’s pretty cool. But then Superman flies off because he has more important things to do than to lightly argue with some billionaire manchild, leaving Batman just standing there. So what does Batman do? He says, “You will,” and TOTALLY WINS THAT CONVERSATION. You sure got him, dude helplessly standing in the wreckage of his super car. I’m sure the shower argument that you had by yourself later was full of similar zingers. “DO YOU BLEED? WELL, I BET YOU DO. AND THEN I’D FUCKING PUNCH HIM LIKE THIS, AND SUPERMAN WOULD BE ALL LIKE, ‘NO, PLEASE, STOP, BATMAN. I BET YOUR PENIS DOESN’T EVEN SLIGHTLY CURVE TO THE LEFT.’ AND I’D BE ALL LIKE BAM. POW. SHUT UP.”

On a more positive note, Batman v. Superman does have one awesome scene: the warehouse fight. Now, before I get into why this part is so great, I do have to say that a lot of it has to do with the critically acclaimed Batman: Arkham games, which make every other Batman fight scene in every other medium look like a slap fight among friends. In the Arkham games, you can sneak up behind a dude, choke him out, zip up to a gargoyle, fly over and drop-kick a man’s torso off his body, zip back up to another gargoyle, tie a guy up to said gargoyle, throw a smoke pellet, hit a thug with an electric shock gun, choke out another dude, and then run up to the last dude as he fills you with bullets and hope that your body armor holds up for long enough so that Batman can someday wear the man’s skull as a shoe.

That’s the kind of thing that we got in the Batman v. Superman warehouse scene, during which Batman goes back and forth, rearranging an entire gang’s internal organs using everything in his disposal. Here are a few highlights:

– A guy comes into the room brandishing a grenade, so Batman kicks a guy he already has hanging from the ceiling into the grenade man.

– Batman Rock Bottoms a dude into the floor — a technique most assuredly taught to him by Ra’s al Ghul when Batman trained with all of those ninjas. “You must learn to conquer your fear, Bruce,” I remember Ra’s saying in Batman Begins. “CONQUER IT WITH THE PEOPLE’S ELBOW.”

– Batman uses his grappling hook gun thing to sling a box into a guy, and the guy gets hit so hard that he flies into a wall and the back of his goddamn head apparently comes off.

There are a lot of people who have a problem with Batman committing murder, but since my favorite superhero film is Batman Returns, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal. At the very least, it gave us a chance to experience an Arkham City level on the big screen, narrated entirely by Ben Affleck’s grunts.

Daniel has a Twitter. Go to it. Enjoy yourself. Kick your boots off and stay for a while.

Live long enough to see yourself become the villain with your own Batman Utility Belt!

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Or sign up for our Subscription Service for exclusive content, an ad-free experience, and more.

For more, check out The 5 Most Awesomely Bad Comic Book Movies and 8 (Pointless) Laws All Comic Book Movies Follow.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 4 Things Superhero Movies Don’t Have the Balls to Do, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

Also follow us on Facebook. You won’t regret it.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2BzY3S6

from Viral News HQ http://ift.tt/2yqnUd2 via Viral News HQ