#its the academics and career path that im not interested in at all

[westywallowing]

exploring creative careers?? who knew could be kind of fun??

[transmutationisms]

sorry could you explain your chatgpt essay thing again? i get the general gist of it (who cares if they cheat) but i still cant grasp it entirely as someone who hasnt experienced the college system 💔 i had thought that essays were a foundational part of undergrad education? and so cheating on that part would essentially mean that: a) their education/understanding is "invalid" b) it discredits the work of other people in the same system/their classmates c) their future publications/written work in academia are going to be of worse quality d) in cases of people going to non academia jobs, like being a doctor or a lawyer, this would negatively impact their clients e) they have bad work ethic = will not survive job industry

my guesses are that just in general theres no direct correlation between these things but ppl assume there will be? and that if a plagiarized essay ruins everything then the system wasnt rlly that good?

the only one im rlly unsure of is the second one, but i suppose thats always been a problem with any type of academic cheating amongst peers, and will persist unless academic rankings/validation of excellence/general attitudes toward "success" r also banished. still, while i rlly dont care abt anyone i know cheating on stuff like this lol, i cant help but empathize w students struggling under that same system feeling frustrated. tho Man seeing the lack of empathy they, in turn, can have with chatgpt users. idk, is it just a lose lose situation until you get through the system?

ok sorry again and also thanks

hi, no worries. let me try to break down my position here.

i had thought that essays were a foundational part of undergrad education

i mean, this varies widely by course / degree / department. but, even when it's true, it doesn't mean that the essay is inherently a valuable or helpful exercise. undergrad essays tend to ask for one of a few very formulaic responses and ways of structuring an argument. essays also often have a specific prompt, which can be better or worse in terms of its potential to generate engagement with the course / material. often professors who are getting a lot of chatgpt essays turned in are designing essays poorly (ie, asking for the types of formulaic responses that students find unengaging and unhelpful for their own academic development), and / or failing to provide instruction and support in how to actually write an essay.

on a more fundamental level, we often take for granted that essays are and should be foundational to an undergrad education, but i simply don't think this is self-evident or always true! what are we training students to do, and why? there are certainly jobs, career paths, and academic research areas in which essay-writing is an important skill. there are others in which it's not. the assumption that all undergrads need to demonstrate the same sorts of writing skills says more about the university and what pedagogues value than it does about those students' actual chances for future career success / financial stability. if we're designing assignments that, for many students, are mere hoops to jump through, then we shouldn't be surprised that many of them find ways to make the hoop-jumping faster and easier.

so cheating on that part would essentially mean that: a) their education/understanding is "invalid"

again, what i'm trying to get at here is larger questions about what we value in education, and why. it's true that if you don't practice writing the type of essay the academy demands of you, you won't learn that skill. but, why do we assume that skill is useful, valuable, or necessary in the first place? how many people actually need to write that way outside of undergrad classrooms? even for those who are intending to pursue a career in academia, the writing taught in undergrad should be, at best, a stepping-stone on the path to more effective and interesting means of written communication. once again, if the skill being mandated by the university is not useful for students, it should not be surprising that many of them resent having to demonstrate it, and turn to tools like chatgpt instead.

b) it discredits the work of other people in the same system/their classmates

this is an argument that many educators make, and i wholeheartedly disagree with it! first of all, i simply do not believe that student a's academic performance is relevant to the assessment of student b's. if a professor is grading that way, that's terrible grading and a terrible pedagogical philosophy. if a student has learned something from their coursework, that shouldn't be undercut or devalued by anything that their classmates have or haven't done.

what this type of argument points to on a deeper level is the fact that university degrees have acquired a sort of double meaning. although the university likes to propagate high-minded rhetoric about the intrinsic value of education, the degree granted is a class barrier that serves to allow certain people access to certain (usually promised to be higher-paying) jobs, and bar others from these jobs. this is a large part of what i'm talking about when i say that the university serves to perpetuate and enforce class stratification. and their narrative about degrees being markers of individual merit and achievement is undercut by the fact that they also plainly fear losing prestige status by granting degrees to those students considered 'unworthy'. if you can make it through an undergrad education without learning the skills the university purports to teach, that's a pretty massive indictment of the university—which, remember, is collecting a lot of tuition money for these degrees.

c) their future publications/written work in academia are going to be of worse quality

lots of assumptions baked in here—that undergrad essay-writing teaches 'good' (effective / clear) writing; that many academics don't already write poorly by these metrics; that aspiring academics have no other way of learning written communication skills (eg, outside of the academy, or in grad school).

d) in cases of people going to non academia jobs, like being a doctor or a lawyer, this would negatively impact their clients

firstly, i would again point out that in many non-academic jobs, academic writing is simply not a necessary skill; secondly, in both of the examples you cite here, these are people who need to go through a lot more schooling and training after undergrad, where they pick up what written communication skills they actually do need (eg, legal writing looks nothing like standard undergrad essay-writing anyway); thirdly, MANY people getting an undergraduate degree are intending to pursue jobs for which they need neither undergrad essay-writing skills, nor further higher education—there are so many reasons a person might want / need a college degree, and so many careers in which this specific academic skillset is simply not relevant for them.

e) they have bad work ethic = will not survive job industry

again, i think this is making some pretty big unstated assumptions! in general i don't really think that 'work ethic' (or the related 'laziness') is a useful way to try to evaluate people's behaviour, and this is a good example of one way in which it fails. if, like i said, we are dealing with a system in which people are told they need to receive a degree in order to have access to jobs they want and financial stability they need; and in which many of them are being forced to demonstrate a specific writing skill they may never need again and may have no interest in; and in which they are often not even receiving adequate training and help to learn and demonstrate that skill, even if they do want to; and in which they may be working other jobs, caring for family members, dealing with disabilities the institution does not provide support for, or any number of other life circumstances that make schoolwork difficult at best to complete; and in which a tool exists that may be able to help them complete some of this work freely and quickly... like, i simply do not fault students for using that tool!

there are so many points of failure in this system long before we get to this moment: the increasing pressure to get a college degree in the first place; the poorly designed curricula that prioritise skills considered 'standard' (for whom? why?) over skills that students actually need or want to acquire; professors who don't actually teach students how to write, yet expect them to turn in essay assignments anyway; specific essay assignments that are uninteresting and / or unhelpful to students; lack of support for students who are struggling with their workload or assignments in any number of ways (and no, 'come to office hours' is not adequate support for so many students and situations).

i simply do not care about people 'cheating' a system that is so fundamentally broken and unjust. it doesn't matter. the ability to write an undergrad essay is such an incredibly trivial and specific skill, and one that most people simply do not need. it doesn't make a person generally 'smarter' (fake concept) and certainly does not make them any more competent at the vast majority of jobs, careers, or general life skills. even for those very few who do need to know this specific thing, i reject the assumption that the university is the only way to learn it, or even a particularly effective way. once again, if chatgpt is successfully completing assignments, maybe those assignments weren't very good in the first place! and even the theoretical amazing professor is simply not able to counter all of the structural issues and inequities in the university system that produce students' desire to turn to tools like chatgpt in the first place. the textbot itself is simply not the issue here.

[yandere-monoma]

Im reading kill your ego right now and ill admit im a bit biased because John and Roxy are my favorites of all the human kids but I just have to know your thoughts on John Lalonde!!

HEHEHE don't tell the others but john lalonde might be my favorite of the kye kids hehehe

my DARLING little dark academia boyo. it's especially fun thinking about him at the moment because i'm in the middle of a homestuck reread with some friends and it's really reminding me of all the similarities between john and rose in the early acts. the way they both misrepresent and resent their parents for the interests they share (or don't share) and the way they try and avoid their dumb lame parents and all their lovey dovey shit

so it's fun taking john and giving something really to complain about and avoid. we take away the self-loathing and (psychotic) depression/chucklevoodoo influence that the egberts are cursed with and we replace it with a superiority complex and a whole lot of pretentiousness. john lalonde is an incredibly proud academic and scholar and you WILL know that he's an intellectual if it's the LAST THING HE DOES!!!

now, john's main problem with mom, as we'll see later in the fic, isn't that he thinks she's being passive aggressive with him, because i think that is honestly a very rose-specific result of her capacity to overthink. he's just honestly disappointed with her. as with all of the lalondes, john goes through the parentification that mom lowkey pushes all of her kids through by neglecting them emotionally, and he takes it pretty hard. he's overwhelmed by the endless attention, he's walking on tiptoes because he never knows when some new ridiculous thing is going to happen, and he can't even get space because who KNOWS what will happen to her and the house if he tries to stay away for an entire week???? and because he's so combative, he's incredibly loud and open about how it's affecting him. he is ready to trauma dump within a moment's notice about his mom's alcoholism, his mom's love bombing, his mom's flaws in general

though of course, he doesnt have any, no, he's perfect 🥰 HE does everything right its just everyone else thats wrong!!! and that's another point of conflict between him and everyone. his mom is into science and fantasy and literature, sure, but not the RIGHT kinds, because john's into the right kind and everyone should be into sci fi like he is, duh. both he and rose actually dabble in different types of reading and writing in this verse, but clearly HE'S the literary genius since HE reads all the good smart books while she reads a whole lot of dumb books that only horny nerd girls like 🙄 and he clearly sees jade and dave as on a lower level to him and takes every chance he can to try and 'assist' them because they're too dumb and naive to take care of themselves. lucky them, though, because they actually get to be kids, and he wants to protect their innocence just as much as he wants to protect his own status and reputation

so! at the end of the day, he's pretty much a rich boy who had to grow up too fast and is incredibly bitter of that fact, but he won't let that bitterness get in the way of all the interests and people he's so incredibly passionate about. i think john egbert is kinda aimless in a lot of ways (like we don't even really know what he wants to do when he grows up) and while i don't think john lalonde has decided a career just yet, he's someone who is constantly working on some sort of creative project for himself and can easily imagine himself in quite a few different paths for life. i think he's full of love and the capacity for empathy but struggles to access it as he drowns in his frustration over the life he feels trapped in. he's incredibly sensitive which is why we see him flying off the handle so often because he's got such a delicate little ego that feels threatened so often (god does johnny have npd i think he does rip)

and i think he dearly dearly dearly loves his mother as every lalonde child does (not that he openly shows it, which of course he's going to regret with EVERYTHING he has) and he will utterly be in PIECES when she dies. he's a mama's boy through and through but he doesn't want to come across as one, he wants people to see him as a respectable and independent bachelor but he doesn't want to show weakness either. he wants to be a leader (because his mom is a leader!!) but honestly he's still the pushover we know and love and he's constantly at the whims of his mother, especially physically, because he's such a cute lil proper boy haha i always imagine him with like cute styled hair and stiff lil preppy outfits and thin wiry glasses (if he even wears glasses, i love the thought of him getting pushed into either wearing contacts or fully just already having some bonkers corrective surgery done on him already)

and hes SUCH A CUTIEEEEEEEE I CANT WAIT TO SHOW HIM OFF MORE WHEEEEEEE

[partangel]

hi! i love your blog! i'm also considering doing a second bachelor and am genuinely curious as to how common that is in europe? xx 💝💐

hello! thank you dear! i cannot tell you based on all europe, only where i reside that is portugal. here i have the perception that if the bachelors dont correlate in a certain way, job entities can see it as a warning sign (eg: lack of certainty on your first choice, a waste, etc). in an interview, I believe it is possible for them to just straight up ask why did you make that choice, which if you are just a genuinely curious person may not be easy to answer in a productive, job-afilliated way. If they are concomitant it can be the exact opposite, because it means that you are really investing time & money becoming a rounded professional in your area of choice (for example, doing a bachelors in psychology and then taking a bachelors in another social science like anthropology). portugal is a traditional country with a fragile economic situation so older generations have very much ingrained in the youngsters to follow a restrict path which is to get one degree and then work on it their entire lives, personal development and an honest hungry for learning variated fields of academics is not particularly something valued. there's also this comprehension that apart from STEM, anything else is useless. where I come from there is a big decline of young people deciding to invest on humanities as a whole due to that.

because of those aspects (that are clearly deeply influenced by the social perception of what's worth in a career), I don't think its very common for people here to get a second bachelor. however in northern europe (norway, denmark...) I believe there is more openness to "trial and error" (way of expression.. its definitely not an error at all!), and the general public is more interested in pursuing and growing old in an active way (by remaing concerned with their formal learning but not just that... if you analyse the way they keep hobbies and invest in other things than work you get very different results compared to here).

this is a very interesting question but ultimately i dont think it's possible to give an overrall answer for the entirety of europe.. it is possible to group certain countries (portugal with spain and perhaps greece and italy; france with germany; denmark with norway; etc) and give an overall sense of it.. if im making any sense? but not europe as a whole, because it is too fragmented for that and the socio-political situation of each country is very particular to it.

if you ask for my personal opinion I think it's great that you are interested in doing another one! despite all the stressors the academic life provides you, it's absolutely wonderful to learn things and be acquainted with anything and everything. i'd love to keep learning and getting various bachelors on an infinite amount of subjects like history & anthropology & philosophy.

however i also want to point out that, for example, in brazil (not europe but worth mentioning) that is extremely common. at least based on the people ive known from there, many have double bachelors that are not necessarily correlated and they dont seem to have any kind of worries over the things ive mentioned and actually value it immensely, so i do believe that it is completely dependant on the country youre from or want to study/work in. ultimately i also think its very important the way you view it yourself, for that is what will shape the perception of others about your choice.

sorry if it got long! thats my personal take on it :) i dont know if you want to share your situation (go for it!) but im definitely cheering you. i personally think its very impressive and a valuable thing to aim for. the most important thing to invest on is definitely education

[thevirgodoll]

Hi babes 🤍 ima be real I need your honest opinion if that’s ok. Basically I gotta do my uni application (LIKE RN BC ITS DUE SOON) and I’ve been wanting to do radiography. Reasons being i love technology and healthcare, like I got a chronic illness so this means a lot to me. However my choices on courses/unis are limited to okayish places bc I’m doing this equivalent course, not the mainstream generally accepted way so not many places accept this for radiography. also i lack knowledge in radiography, I have no experience because of COVID. What if I hate it? im so interested in it but I’m dyspraxic and with my chronic illness I could struggle at times, I can’t tell if I’m using it as an excuse or being realistic. i could do sociology instead, i love it so much and am confident in it. I would have more university options too but less career choices :/ plus I feel like it’s not taken seriously by most people. sorry girl this was such a messy rant lmaooo ❤️❤️

I am never the type of person or blog that will specifically tell someone what to do with their lives. Only because I believe in that self discovery journey and how important it is to arrive to your own passions, ambitions, and knowledge. It is something you have to discover on your own. Those are things I cannot advise you on because it is specific to each person.

I can speak to some of your concerns though. I don’t think you should avoid something you want to do just because of your dyspraxia and chronic illness. I have ADHD and chronic illness so I can especially tell you this.

Struggling at times with personal things you cannot control is a part of life, and it doesn’t make you a weaker student nor does it block you from achieving your goals...it’s all about building plans around what you are dealing with so things can be easier for you.

Next, I do not think you should avoid something just because it may not be taken seriously by others because your career path is for you, not them. You do not have to prove anything to anyone. So take these two things into consideration for either major/path.

Lastly, if you hate something, it’s not finalized. Just because you start out majoring in something does not mean that has to be what you stick with. Plenty people go through major changes and end up just fine. At the end of the day, nobody really cares as long as you’re adjusting to your life/specific situation, academic achievement, and desires.

Picking a Major or Career Path

1. What do I love to do? What are my strengths? What are my ambitions and passions? (this can also be designated to a minor as well)

2. What are my career goals? What is my desired path? How much work am I willing to do to get where I want to be? (associates, trade school, technical, bachelors, graduate school, doctoral, law, medical, accelerated programs, etc.. you’ll have to do research to consider...remember this isn’t set in stone and you can always change your mind!)

3. What are my backups if I do not like this major/career?

-> Now if you’re sure of yourself, you won’t really need this. A lot of times, though, we change our minds! It’s natural, we are all so young!

Consider your other interests and strengths! This may not be apparent until you’ve taken enough hours to know what other classes are like or until you hit a huge roadblock.

If you’re doing poorly in your major and/or you’re more unhappy than anything but find joy in another area and find that you’re considering other options, take that as a sign!!!

4. Am I choosing this major/career because of authority figures, income, friends, or because it “seems” cool? Have I romanticized how this career may look because of a show or movie without any research?

-> If the answer is yes, you will end up unhappy! Be careful with this. You want to do things for you and have concrete reasons. 

5. Where do I want to go?

-> Consider this! Your school environment can make a huge impact on your studies, so choose a great school with impressive stats and well rounded social life.

Don’t forget you can take a gap year, go in undecided, go to community college, or speak to college advisors and counselors at the career center!

All is not lost no matter what.

Don’t forget to access videos on YouTube because there’s plenty of students and professionals that have resources to answer lingering questions visually, as well as educational articles. Read read read, attend lectures, talk to professors, take quizzes, and take internship or shadowing opportunities. With this, you’ll get a good feel of the job.

No matter what, good luck and I’m excited for you!

[purelafemme]

Mid 2020 reflections

The older I grow, the more important I realize it is to extend myself grace, and to practice patience. All the pieces of my life will come together. This pandemic has taught me to be still. 

A few days ago I woke up in a grumpy mood. Over the last few months, some days will go by and I will feel fine. Others, not too hot. Recently, I decided to practice a tip from one of the former therapists. I took the time to “check in” with myself and pinpoint all the reasons I was feeling so out of tune. 

A big reason for this “out-of-tuneness” is coming from my job. I don’t feel as connected and engaged to my work, as I would imagine it would be if we were in the office. Its difficult for me to focus and relax in my room. All my life I have struggled with performance anxiety, which has become heightened due to my experience in the AEA program. Teleworking has blurred the lines between my home life and my work life, making it difficult for my brain to separate the two. Also, I feel cramped and restricted due to the lack of independence and freedom I am experiencing living in my parents house. I miss my freedom and independence of living in my own apartment. I’m going to stay here until January to try and save more money (at least $8,000). Just like I felt with Morgan back in fall of 2017, I can feel that I have outgrown living in my parents house and living in Baltimore. It’s time for a new beginning and a fresh start. I don’t want the pandemic to prevent me from pushing back my plans further, or allow it to cause time to get away from me. It’s important that I take this step towards moving out for me.

 A second reason propelling my dismay comes from a realization that I had realized over the past weekend. I have a strong tendency to over give in a lot of the relationships I have. I went out of my way to plan something to do with my estranged friendship group from middle school, and I am not too pleased with how it went. In Boston, I didn’t have many friends nor did I engage in many social activities. One of the reasons I wanted to return back to this area is so I could hang out with my friends and resume social activities again. Earlier this summer, I started putting a lot of energy into hanging out and doing things with and for my friends. But after these two-three years of me being away, I’ve realized that some of my friend groups/dynamics are not the same. Honestly, I feel like a big part of the reason why I started hanging out a lot with my friends is because since my love life is not going the way that I want it to, I want to keep people around me a lot to avoid feeling lonely, to mask the loneliness. But I want to shed those feelings and really take the time to get into myself. One of the reasons I delayed grad school was because I really wanted to take space for myself to develop myself (Develop myself spiritually, mentally--develop my fashion, my interests, my personality, knowledge). This has made me realize that I want and need to feel more comfortable being alone, which is another reason why I think living alone would be good for my personal growth. Additionally, even though things didn't work out the way I intended them to with my partner earlier this Spring, that situation has finally taught me, after 24 years of age (8 years of dating), how I deserve to be treated and what qualities I want in a partner. Given this, I think I need to now branch out and truly get comfortable with being alone. Over the last couple of years, I have struggled with being alone and I realized that I will go run to go hang out with people to avoid that feeling, or I will spend my time being alone and wishing I laid up with a nigga. I want to truly embrace the idea of just truly being alone, and being happy and content. 

Sometimes I experience a weird sadness about me not following through with my previous academic plans, which causes me to feel like im a funk. I went to research conference today where my peers who have continued with their academic plans were present, I couldn’t help but feel a tinge bit of sad that I didn't continue mine. This month would have been the month I would be starting my PhD program if everything had went as planned. Although I realized this was not right for me, I am still kind of bummed in a weird way about it. I worked exceedingly hard and invested a lot of time and energy into this goal, and now that things haven't gone as planned and I have seemingly abandoned my PhD dreams, I feel a weird sense of sadness about it. I may be still interested in research, but honestly, I am not sure. From doing the AEA program twice, witnessing the AEA Climate Survey, surviving the Harvard program, and reading Claudia’s blog post, I feel kind an overwhelming sense of jadedness by this whole thing-- and now I cannot seem to make up my mind about an exact alternative career path or graduate degree. All I know is that I would really like to have a concrete plan once this job is over, because I am not getting any younger and I want to have security when it comes to my career goals by the time I approach my mid thirties. 

Now that I have just written a list of reasons why I am in a funk because I am not where I wanna be, I want to take just as much time to reflect on all the reasons why I am proud of myself. I am very proud of myself for landing my current job opportunity. It took me over six months of applying to land my current position, and there was several times over the course of those months where I was bogged down with anxiety and self-doubt crept it! Literally the day I got the offer, I was laying in bed CRYING because it was April and my program was going to end in May and I hadn't secured a reasonable opportunity yet. My God is good, and he for sure came right on time. Of course, there are some days where my performance anxiety at work is on high, but  really in those moments need to take a step back and praise him for granting me the opportunity to get a job in my field, with a nice salary, with nice people and meaningful, clear growth opportunities. I am so grateful, and I need to acknowledge this more as well as congratulate myself for this. Even though things didn’t go as planned with the whole PhD thing, I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be in my life, and that is a beautiful thing. I am proud of where I am, and I know this opportunity will give me the tools to make the best career decision for me moving forward. I am claiming it now. Honestly, this is my first time since I graduated undergrad where I feel like I can breathe. 

I am also proud of myself for giving myself the space to develop ME for ME. There is so much other parts of life and myself that I want to explore, and now that I am no longer suffocated by the pressures of academia, I am excited to dive in ! I recently hired a trainer, and started my own business! Being in grad school is a huge educational investment that comes at a cost. The stress of that program didn't leave time for me to dedicate to other parts of my life, which I realized I did not like. My twenties are my formative years. So yeah, it does suck to have invested so much time in doing all those things to be a perfect PhD applicant and then to not even apply to PhD programs lol, but I am soo proud of myself for listening to my gut, taking a step out on faith and choosing a different direction! It wasn't an easy decision at first, but I am excited about where this side business will take me, and I am happy that this will be a chance for me to explore my artistic side more! I have always had this side to myself, but never fully dived into it because of the lack of time and resources. So I am proud of using this space and time to unlock a new side of myself. I also think there will be a lot of personal growth opportunities that will come from being a small business owner, which I have confidence I can tackle and that it will make me more mature, and help develop sounder financial practices ! :)

I am super proud of myself for taking charge of my health!!! My weight is something I have always struggled with since elementary school. I was never particularly fat, but I was never as skinny as people like my sister and my cousins. From a young age, I internalized a sense of being uncomfortable with my body, which has followed me into adulthood. However it wasn't until the later half of high school when I started to develop some health problems as a result of my poor diet and lifestyle habits. My period has been irregular since 2012-2013, which I am sure was triggered by the anxiety I faced from switching schools, eating predominantly restaurant food from working at Charlestown, and having a poor sleeping schedule. After four years or random, scattered periods, I got diagnosed with PCOS in 2016. In 2017 I turned 21. I started drinking alcohol a lot more, causing me that fall to weigh in at my biggest size ever--over 180 pounds. Since the middle of high school, my weight had always been in the 160-170s range. That spring, I was able to get serious about diet and exercise and shed some pounds due to my leave from school. However, over the past two years in the Harvard program, I have not been able to manage my weight properly, causing me to explode to the biggest size I have ever been--195.. And im not sure what’s going on with my hormone production now, but I know my gut is a hot mess. (This spring I just got diagnosed with IBS.) Since the pandemic started, I have tried to work out consistently and eat a balanced diet. However over the last five months I have not seen many changes in my body which has been disappointing. This week on impulse, I made the decision to hire a trainer-- this is going to be the first step towards making some serious lifestyle changes for me and I am excited to get into the best physical shape I have ever been in! Regardless of the number on the scale, I really want to do this for the improvement of my overall health. I want to develop a healthier relationship with food (stop binge eating/seeking food as comfort) and I also want to train myself to not only eat out of boredom, or because food is available. I know developing this habits will help me develop more discipline! Also, I think our bodies as humans are capable of so much, and I really want to treat my body good so I can get the best use out of it ! I want to learn how to swim, I want to build endurance and start running, I want to be able to sustain my own body weight, and become proficient at aerial yoga! Also, sometime in the future I want to have kids and before this happens I want to already be in shape and be in the position to have a happy and healthy pregnancy. Being a mother is one of my biggest aspirations in my life ! I am hoping that this change to my lifestyle will support better hormonal health and regulate my menstrual cycle, which would actually help me get pregnant easier in the future. I am also tired of having all these stomach problems (indigestion, acid reflux, constipation, etc)--clearly something inside of me is inflamed and thats why I am having these issues. Overall, I am very proud of myself in taking these actions and I am excited to see how my body will look, how I will feel, and in what ways I can grow mentally and financially with my business ! 

One last reason why I am proud of myself is because I have been making small strides to become more money conscious. However, I know I can definitely improve in this area over the next couple of months, and it is important that I tackle this since I have my first real job, (plus a side business) and I want to live on my own. I have always struggled with managing my personal finances, so I am excited to learn tips and develop practices that will help me be smarter with my money. This is also very important to me because one day I would like to have a family, and I want to be able to provide for them. So it is important that I take the steps now to ensure that I am living below my means, and that I can set myself up to be financially comfortable and not cash strapped. 

I was inspired to write this post because I woke up one day in a sour mood about my current circumstances and the fact that I am seemingly not where I want to be and I felt down about it. But then I woke up the next day and realized how much I really had to be grateful for, and how proud I am of myself for all that I have accomplished throughout my life even with various obstacles I have encountered. God truly has favored me. Even through this crisis, God has found ways to bless me and I have taken actions to better myself. For that I am super thankful for. There are people that have lost their life and their livelihoods in 2020, but for some reason God still choose me to protect, and to take me to the next level. So I want to take this time to publicly thank him for all that he has done on the inside! Instead of focusing on the all the areas of my life that I am not too satisfied with, I vow to constantly cultivate a heart, mind and spirit full of gratitude and praise. 

Other short term goals I want to accomplish 

- Join a church home/integrate other practices into my life to develop my relationship with him in addition to keeping the prayer journal (reading the bible, starting a gratitude book)

- Take better care of my hair: be more consistent with protective styles, trims, and deep conditioning! 

- Read more books (I have watched too much TV this year lol) I especially want to read more books written by Black women and the experience of Black women!

-Try new hobbies (in addition to swimming, I want to go horseback riding, etc)

[sadafs]

hi! i’ve seen you mention a few times that you're a linguist? i’m thinking about pursuing a career as a speech therapist or sociolinguist or such, and i was wondering if you'd be willing to share any quick advice or what-I-wish-I'd-known or anything along those lines? (of course, if it’s not too much of a bother!)

hey yeah! im currently studying for a ling BA. i’m likely going a computational route so stuff like natural language processing, machine learning, AI etc but there are a lot of other paths. 

for sociolinguists, the traditional path is undergrad > phd > postdoc position > try to get tenure-track. its really difficult, and phd programs vary in acceptance rates based on who is researching what at that particular moment in a research program. often, you can apply to many programs one year and get in nowhere, and apply to the same programs a year later and get into at least a few. i’m unsure how much you know about the grad student struggle, but for general advice, don’t do programs that aren’t fully funded (you are meant to be paid to be part of the program). research the faculty in the grad dept and base where you apply off of how overlapping your interests are with the existing people there. labs and program heads want people who are passionate not only about their own research but their research as well. 

there’s also something to be said for how hard it is to get an academic position these days, and how productive you need to be from a research publishing perspective to be taken seriously and be considered a desirable hire. 

but once you acquire a postdoc position, you get a lot of freedom wrt what you research in your free time which is always the largest draw of something like an academic position. with sociolinguistics, however, my main interest is how to apply research towards the public good; this is in part why i’m doing computation stuff now, and *intend* to do my socioling phd later once i have savings and a better idea of where sociolinguistics is going. it’s frustrating that i can read the same articles and books talking about linguistic discrimination but never hear about who else is reading that research besides linguists. 

in terms of setting yourself up well (and again, i dont know at which part of the process you’re at) i’d recommend trying to do sociolinguistic research with a professor at your own university during undergrad, and then applying to share your research at conferences and mini symposiums and all that. also, look at the kind of research that big socioling conferences like NWAV are including, as it can reveal trends in what people want to study right now, which is likely gonna help with applications. 

speech pathology is quite a different beast, although it has shared points of study with socioling like phonetics/phonology. most sociophonetic research is acoustically centered, whereas most speech pathology research/work concerns articulatory gestures. i know a lot less about speech pathology, other than that there is a really good program for that at emerson college. its a little more straighforward of a path (afaik) just because speech pathology programs aim for a technical training and there’s a traditional type of clientele- like, it’s a trade, whereas sociolinguistics is usually an open-ended research/professorial gig in an academic economy that has very few spots. i’d recommend talking to people you know who are speech pathologists about this. 

which overall is good advice- reach out to professors (not only at your university) with questions through email if you can, reach out to alumni from your school with your degree through linkedin to ask how they got to the position they’re at now, be it socioling or speech pathology. i’m still only graduating this semester and these are both fields i’m not pursuing at present so i know like, 2 things. hope this was helpful! and feel free to ask more qs if you want if you wanna message me directly 

[rantsbymiriam]

Welcome bitches

My blog is back!!! No wait - my REAL blog is back. It's been so long. How i've missed blogging like the good old days. The time before PICTURES & captions took over. I still love pictures, but pictures can be faked. Blogs...well blogs can be faked too but it takes a lot more work to be fake. In this blog, it's gonna be so real, your mama sakit mata baca. 

I know I already have a blog (www.miriamomar.com) but that blog is only to talk about work and life related stuff that's super serious and super boring.  LETS BE REAL. I ain't gonna be swearing and dissing life crap in between posts about serious work stuff. ONE MUST SEPARATE THE TWO! My blogs are truly a reflection of my psyche. And these 2 blogs will show you two very different sides of me that I have (finally) come to terms with. 

On one side, I have this ~high achieving, give talks at conference, scholarship, academic, lecturer, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE, do the right thing goody two shoes~  side of myself. I call it my "Hermione" side. Which is really a big part of who I am. I can be extremely serious, philosophical and analytical "pseudo intellectual" bla bla bla. Basically, I have this complex about needing to KNOW EVERYTHING or else I would feel insecure and "unsafe". I also have an insatiable curiosity to understand the workings of the world and the true essence of being. Not many can follow my type of conversations. I know this because people start to yawn. My main hobby is to devour books and go around annoying people about what I read and telling them what to do (its true, i must stop I know im sorry everyone)

HOWEVER - this is not that blog. And this is not that side of myself that I would like to share to the world.. This space is for me to talk about THAT OTHER SIDE OF ME. The side that grew up in the depths of the longkangs in Kajang and Bangi. The side that got suspended in school multiple times because I asik dating dengan my boyfriend (now I realize it's just my "co-dependency" lol)  the side that tergolek in front of Zouk every Friday night (trauma symptoms lol) the side that your mama don't like and I have to cover-cover so your mama can still let you be friends with me!!! It's OK, don't worry, I won't be a bad influence this time around if I can help it. LOL

Well now, I have obviously mellowed out a lot. Like a LOT A LOT. I don't do crazy shit anymore. I have come to a place in my life that I have accepted my past and all the stuff I used to do (kak long kawasan etc etc) More on that bit later.

To be EXTREMELY honest, my life is not that interesting anymore. This is my first year of business as a full time artist, running Project MIRRO and part-time lecturing. I've been grinding and making ends meet like a robot. I haven't been out and about having a life since I got back from London in late 2017. I hardly get to see my friends or go out and lepak. I haven't dated at all. In fact,  I haven't met a new person of the opposite sex who isn't a business acquaintance or gay since 2017. And it's one more month to 2020. I'm not getting any younger either. Im 31 turning 32. and I totally don't have a life, let alone a LOVE LIFE. Oh My God 2.0. (Its okay I have more to say about this part it's not the end of the world)

Today I am supposed to work on a new collection release for Project MIRRO. I will do it right after I write this blog I PROMISE. It's just that, sometimes I have no more fuel to burn to run my life. Working alone in isolation, it gets to you sometimes. As an introvert, ITS GREAT, but it also has its downfall. MOTIVATION. This shit can't appear out of thin air ok. Bukan boleh beli online add to cart "Motivation" I'm literally that girl that has not seen the world and people in over 2 days. This could go up to 2 weeks. I'm just super comfortable on my own in my own world. I love it, I really do. TAPI, I know it's not good for me. I believe if im out and about, mixing and talking with people, I will probably get more income for my business. I know it. I dont know why I don't do it (malas sebenarnya) 

I have to say though, I have a pretty comfy studio..I dont feel the need to go out. I am very much comfortable in this space for me to create and be myself. But I also know that perhaps its not the best time for me to be in isolation at such an early phase of my new "art career" whatever that means. Whatever im going through now reminds me of how I was at my first job back in 2012. I am starting all over again, learning all over again with this new life path. Its hard, uncomfortable, and super consuming. And im doing it, LEGIT, all alone. Mana tak rasa cam kepala nak meletup. Obviously kepala I dah meletup a few times. Then I realized its because I don't have a new outlet to release stress. I used to paint to release stress but now it's my job. I need something ELSE. 

I've been playing music again, writing songs again (im NOT gonna show it to anyone I would probably die of embarrassment)So it seems like, sejak dua menjak ni, I feel the need to EXPRESS. To write again. To "communicate" without leaving my nest. This is the next best thing la for me since I am such a pemalas to mandi and pakai baju. I've been in the same kaftan for 2 days. WOOOTT. This is the best thing abt working from home. NOBODY CARES WHAT U WEAR!! But don't worry I totally mandi and gosok gigi for you aunties gasping and gossiping about this anak dara tak senonoh. Ishhhh.

Anyway, whatsup people? How are you guys? How is life?????!! I just realized back then when I wrote in this blog (with the same name), I had READERS. I just never really read the comments or participated in my "community" of readers. I should've. I will try do better this time and get conversations going. Reply and all that. PARTICIPATE. 

Ok its already 1.15pm now and I really need to get back to work. I have lots to rant about later malam sikit bila dah sunyi sepi and lonely lolol. Thanks for reading. Goodbye for now.

[simple-ponderings]

Im stepping out into the unknown. Im nervous and afraid. Uncomfortable is the best word that sums it all up.

This uncomfort is growth. Its a step in the right direction.

It isnt "playing it safe''. Its the beginning of my path to fulfillment and happiness.

Im living a life for ME. Not for anyone else and not of whats expected of me.

A few years ago-- when I was a senior in high school-- I was trying to figure out what I wanted to study. What I wanted to make a career of.

After much research I declared studying herbal medicine. But then I became so deterred. It was hard to find jobs-- not impossible but difficult. The schools that offered it were few and expensive, or far away.

I was afraid of hard work, sacrifice, risks, maybe even success.

I wanted safety, I wanted comfort, I wanted what was common-- something easier to obtain.

Something more realistic. And so I just, put the thought out of my mind and decided to study something more stable.

But at what cost? My spirit? My happiness?

Is this all Im meant to do in this life? Is that all I can do? Is that all I'll do?? For the rest of my life???

After computer science, I decided for biology, then for clinical laboratory.

The last major was actually quite interesting and I was good at it. But...it didnt ignite the passion I needed to feel alive. Truly.

Until last night, I've spent my years wandering-- changing major to major, getting academically dismissed, letting my gpa suffer, becoming super depressed, telling bullshit to everyone else and myself, TAKING SO MANY DETOURS!! Only to find myself back at this thought.

This thought that shall soon manifest into this world because it is my purpose. It is my soul's purpose to fulfill this dream of mine.

Even now at the thought of me owning my own herbal medicine shop makes my soul sing.

[uiruu]

here’s a twitter thread where i didnt explain myself very well but idk i dont wanna rewrite it for tumblr

i wanna understand language on such a deep level, deeper than anyone else has ever, and solve a lot of the problems of linguistics by simply reframing it and simplifying the approaches. do i think i'll do this? no. but i wanna, oh man, i really want that to be my future

is it bad for me to be a leftist who wants to be known for being smart? idk. i think its cause even tho im very interested in this stuff and my friends and professors have told me i understand it well, the world and everything tells me that i'm a fucking loser

i havent actually felt smart since i was a kid, you know? i've never gotten straight a's at any point in my life, not even close. i failed all of my classes last fall and rather than put me on academic suspension a second time, they just kicked me out.

tho i failed cause i stopped going, because i knew i needed desperately to take time off anyway, and all my professors knew and supported me, but the official records wont say "took time off to focus on mental health", they'll say "fucking loser kicked out"

at this point i dont know if i'll ever finish college. i dont know if i want to. i know that to achieve my dream of working in linguistics though i'll need a degree right? but i dont want to just go with the flow and go through the motions, i wanna innovate NOW.

the school system doesnt mesh well with me. not as i am now, maybe i'll come back in a while after thinking hard about myself and seeing therapists for a long time and stuff and maybe i'll suddenly find myself thriving. but until then...

i dont know where to go, i guess. what to do. i just wanna feel acknowledged and appreciated because i know how much work i put into learning, but to anyone else it looks like im slacking off. cause i am. because its not useful and not productive and whatever. i just love learnin

but i dont WANT to be useful or productive, i just wanna keep learning and keep thinking of new ways to think about the abstract thing that is language. but will anyone respect me for that? no. i should probably finish school, that'd open up avenues for me to try things...

and help me think of "career paths" (whatever that means) that i hadnt considered but like sigh one day idk i got off track i just wanna be do what i wanna do and be acknowledged by peers for it because ive never really had that, i guess

sorry idk where im going with this. its not that i want fame and fortune and for everyone to think im a genius... its not that. its just that i think i know lots of things and ive only been told that i'm useless, indirectly usually but sometimes directly

and the couple times when ive gotten recognition from my friends, family, professors, peers, etc.... its stuck in my head. i'll never forget those times. cause i do think i work really hard at this specific thing. its just, i dont work hard at anything else. i know. sigh.

[therapy101]

1i got fired from my part-time volunteer lab position for excessive tardiness. it only happened a few times, and one was a very specific misunderstanding, but they always said "no don't worry this is a casual environment" so i thought i didnt need to put so much pressure on myself. it felt like a bad fit from the beginning, so im not so surprised. but more than anything, im incredibly embarrassed and ashamed. im not interested in the subject studied, but had no prior lab experience and they took

2a chance on me. I take full responsibility for being late – I know its unacceptable. But having bpd, its really hard to shake off the embarrassment & shame. I haven’t invested a lot of time here, but I thought “maybe I am worth it” to have secured this position. When I started, I felt imposter syndrome constantly (I wasn’t as remarkable academically as the other lab members, and this was at a famous institution) So now I feel worthless. Im trying to keep my mind off of it, but im just so ashame

Hi anon,

You’ve learned several really good lessons here- lessons that a lot of people who pursue academia (along with other career paths) have to learn at one point or another. 

1) although lateness is rampant in academia (myself included), only people who have already proven themselves get to be late without consequences. when you are a professor, you can hold a whole class or your entire lab hostage for an hour if you want without essentially any consequences. when you are the lowest person on the totem pole and you haven’t proven yourself yet, you get no extra room.

2) employers will pretend they are nicer/more flexible than they actually are. don’t believe the “this is a casual environment” stuff. even if it is- and sometimes academia is very casual -it still mostly doesn’t apply to you until you’ve got that track record, and only in ways that have no impact on your colleagues and particularly your superiors. 

 3) because of all that, you should prove yourself by being on your very best behavior for at least 2 months of a position (often longer). After they know you and they trust you, you start to get leg room. If you have a skill set that can’t be replaced (ex: you’re the only one who knows how to use the scheduling system, you have analytic skills no one else has) then you get more room sooner. but make sure you solidify a good rep before you get too comfortable.

4) people in academia only want to work with people who are as passionate about their topic as they are. this is literally their lives’ work. they want to be surrounded with people who are as passionate and dedicated to it as they are. they know that many undergrad/postgrad RAs aren’t as passionate, but they want to a) feel like they can convince you to join them or b) at least not notice you aren’t that excited about it (meaning, you’ve got to fake it a bit). 

I bet you’ve already thought about all that. But I hope you’ll learn three more things from this:

5) failure does not mean you are worthless. people fail all the time, and it’s particularly common in academia where things are competitive and the rules are made up, implicit, and constantly changing. it doesn’t mean anything about their worth as a person. I got fired from the first job I ever had (not in academia, in customer service) because I rolled my eyes at my manager. That was a mistake and I probably deserved to be fired. But I learned from it and approached my managers/supervisors in future positions with more respect. I know that doesn’t reflect my worth- it’s one thing about me, not everything.

6) this is not the end of the story unless you decide it should be. true success in academia (and in life) comes from people being really stubborn and resilient, and just getting up over and over again after each failure. you will be hard pressed to find successful people in academia who have always succeeded. I hope you’ve seen this “CV of failures”- people who become very successful in academia (and other domains) often get fired and rejected over and over again- even after they’ve already proven themselves! 

7) but you don’t have to keep putting yourself in this situation if you don’t want to. academia is really hard and it’s not for everyone. it does not reflect poorly on you as a person if you choose a path with less rejection and ambivalence and competitiveness- it’s a really healthy choice for some people. but if you do want this, then you’ve got to work on rolling with the rejection. let yourself feel the sting, and then move on to the next attempt. you’ll get better each time (so fewer rejections over time) and it’ll get easier to move on.

take care :)

______

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[ladywolfmd]

Hi! I love your different roads series! If you don't mind, can you tell me what's your specialty is? I just graduated from medschool and haven't decided the next step yet.

Hi! Thank you so much! Different Roads will always be my labor of love for the ship, well, with great bias for Sansa Stark because why not, she’s awesome. She may not have magical abilities but I believe her talent is making their home, home again and keeping it House Stark’s forever. Her coming back started the chain for the rest of the back to come home too. :) 

Oh I don’t mind at all! I just got my license last 2015 and while I did try neurology residency, I quit and have been moonlighting away as a General Practitioner until today but hopefully, if I get accepted, I’ll be starting Rehabilitation Medicine residency by January next year. :) In the interim, I’ve also tried Dermatology but it wasn’t for me, and earlier this year I applied for Law school so I could practice as a Medico-Legal but short of enrolling, I decided to try residency again while I’m still young and here we are. Point is, I already have a license and I still change my mind with regards to choosing a specialty and its great that you’re thinking of your next step now.  

Congratulations by the way! For us, after medschool, we get one more year of postgraduate internship so another year of doing all the rotations before taking the boards. So I don’t know if it’s the same for you. But you’re on your way to take the licensure exam right? 

Anyway, while it’s definitely something if you have a clear cut idea on what specialty to take, there’s more to choosing the training just that of an interest in the specialty. And sometimes, when these are taken for granted, even midway through your residency, you end up quitting because it wasn’t what you thought it would be. Some take a year off to rest and possibly moonlight while deciding, getting more experience and such but there is a time factor that we have to think about too. I’ll try to help you by asking you questions:

1) Is patient interaction important to you? Because there are some that require a lot of this, and some that don’t at all.

2) What is the set-up you see yourself in? Private practice? Hospital based? Group? Private Hospital? Government Hospital? Rural? City? In line with who are your target patient population?

3) Do you work better alone or with a team?

4) Do you prefer out patient setting? Are you willing to do 24-36hour duties every few days? 

5) If your specialty is unpredictable like involves emergencies, would you be willing to be called whenever wherever? (like OB, Surgery, Neuro, IM) Or do you want a specialty with a fixed schedule/shifts? (Emergency Med, Derma, Radio, Patho, etc).

6) Will the specialty be aligned with your lifestyle? (this is important and the cause of many fights etc) Because there are specialties that are very demanding that it’s hard to balance. 

7) More importantly, is it something you see yourself doing every day and be happy despite ups and downs as with any specialty? Will it be something that you think is worth it all in the end? 

Residency Training will be hard. The hardest ever in our career path. We’ll be pushed where we’ve never been pushed before, and will work like we’ve never worked before while dealing with adult life. Because face it, adult life for any doctor starts after medschool. There will be unfair hours and slavery levels of work with so little returns and many mistakes and a lot of groveling and shoveling, but residency is the time we can make those mistakes and change our minds if need be. But always remember that despite this grueling period we have to take, it’s not forever. Training takes 3-6 years depending on the specialty. What’s 3-6 years to the next best years of your life when you’re finally practicing for your own? :) 

I hope this helps. Let me know if you have more questions. I’ll be happy to help you. 

Oh 8) Do you even want to practice? Because there is also the option to be an Academe/Professor and/or Medical Researcher. And yes, enter Law School and be Medico-Legal so your practice would be more of an Attorney’s work than MD but you can still practice as a general practitioner. 

[suzyqrara]

August 5, 2019

Its 11PM and I am having anxiety.  First off, I woke up this morning thinking about jobs.  I applied to Bonnie Brae and I got really upset because it was an overnight job and I was upset that if they called me, I would be going back to overnight work.  Sometimes I wonder if I will get anywhere in life if I am motivated enough to reach my potential.  I think sometimes I am not goal-oriented as I would like to be because if I was wouldn’t I be doing something that helps me to work towards my career goals, wouldn’t I have been moved out already.  Now that I know that I know it wouldn’t be a good idea to move out with mason to a far location I feel more stuck than ever.  Schools are not calling me.  I paid 200 to get my resume to look sharp and wonderful and it looks soo good.  Yet I am getting no phone calls and I am starting to not want to apply for schools anymore.   But I will because it is what I went to school for and I can’t let it not be used.  I know it is my mind that is keeping me from enjoying life.  I’m scared I will be in my mom’s house and as someone who is unemployed…I’m even more terrified.  I’m scared I will be single for an even longer time and I don’t want to be alone…not right now…not while unemployed.  But one influences the other.  I won’t find anyone while unemployed because it is a huge red flag. I have my hopes on one guy, but we haven’t talked all weekend, so I am left to try to forget what he looks like until he contacts me again. I wanted to stop my anxiety before midnight so I will start writing down things I will tell myself to keep my spirits high. Alla, you are a fighter and you have a wonderful work ethic.  You are persistent and you are doing everything you can possibly do to live a successful life.  So far your life has been generous to you.  You have both parents alive; mom is allowing you to live with her, you have your masters, you are academically talents and you can easily get another degree. The only thing that is stopping you is the fact that you will need to depend on your mother for three more years since the program you are considering required internships.  Since my entire resume is all internship and volunteer work that shows your passion. You are lucky enough to get your experiences and not be homeless.  The thing you need to do which is set for you in a few hours is to get your mind and body straight.  Though it may seem like it is a poor decision, it will only be a poor decision if you get nothing out of it.  You are tired of being the fat mother…the fat single mother.   You are tired of people being passive and rude to you just because you don’t look like what they view as beautiful.  It's not that you are not beautiful it is because you don’t think you're beautiful.  Confidence plays the biggest role in life. It is what gets you a man you want, a job you want, the support circle you want and the experiences you get.  The first thing you do that you have already invested in is work on what will make you confident.  This is to lose the baby belly weight.  Once you start losing weight and feeling the confidence that you have, you will see the man you want will want you.  Once you get the interest of the man you want you will be enjoying that moment while working your two part-time jobs and applying you will begin to get interviews of all sorts.  You will not be employed forever.  You have 2 interviews coming up that will allow you to focus on going to your future interviews while getting paid and continuing to work out.  You will be working on crisis experience by volunteering as a suicide crisis hotline counselor and you will be working with youth.  So, both experiences will look good on your resume. As long as you keep applying, you are bound to get something.  Nothing is happening now because you are feeling the pressure of getting a job since you don’t have one.  Your mom is pressuring you with rent, your credit cards are through the roof, your dipping way into your savings.  All of these are reminders you need a job and the more you want something and fixated on it, the less likely you will get it.  The first thing you need to do is work on this workout program that you invested in to build your confidence and a potential path to finding stress-relieving activity with a man.  Focus on the upcoming interviews and make sure you do well so they can hire you. That way you have lost a few pounds and you have income coming your way.  Once Mason goes to school, you will have less time with me, and you won’t be spending as much money.  You will continue to look for jobs.  You are thinking that it would be a huge relief for you if you did not work in a school. It's ok if you don’t work in school. You need to find jobs where you see yourself doing a good job and if schools intimidate you know which you have every right to be intimidated considering your negative experiences. You will find a community job and you will enjoy it.  Not dread waking up to every morning.  Take things one by one.  God has blessed you with 2 interviews, 1 volunteer position, and a healthy body.  Once you start working you can get mason insurance…that leads me to another stressor will my two part-time jobs be enough for Mason to get insurance?  I think so because the BA is as many hours as you can do and then the DDD specialist is …that the thing the contract say per diem… if it's per diem... that’s not good.  I can take it though so at least it's something to add to my resume.   You just must keep swimming.  Take things one by one. You have 2 opportunities to learn about this week, you have your healthy body to work on with an actual trainer and there is a small possibility you will see your future boyfriend this week. There are so many bright things happening this week.  Plus you get some time to yourself this upcoming weekend…Thank goodness because Mason has been a trip lately.  You still have savings you can take out and you have the hope that income will come soon. Stay focused on the positive things in this week.  You have a body trainer, you have had phone calls in the past..2 offers you declined because it wasn’t the best for your situation and you have 2 potential jobs waiting to meet you. Since I declined those offers I am more careful in where I am applying.  I make sure it is doable for me to either drop mason off or pick him up and I see myself working in that place.  For example, with Bonnie Brae, I applied but there is no way I would like to do overnight again.  Though it would ideal.  I would be able to pick Mason up from school every day.  I just know I don’t do well when I can't sleep and the last job I did overnight left me super tired and miserable. So I probably won't take this job if they call me. I declined a Trenton job as a career advisor because it is a charter school and they open 730 to 345.  Trenton is 1.12 hr drive so that means I would have the same schedule as northstar. no thank you.  I didn’t decline an offer but I declined an interview.  So interviews are coming but you are weeding out what you see yourself doing.  I think I should still continue to apply to all that relate to my degree just in case so when I get an interview I can actually envision what it would be life to work there.  You are not a lost cause.  You are working hard.  You are trying every day.  When you try, you will one day get what you want.  You need to just continue to be persistence and know that you have amazing potential. My co-teacher from last year is in the same place as me but she actually did not get an offer to sign for the next year. Can you imagine having that on your record that the school your spent the last year in does not want to rehire you. Applications ask you if there has been a time where you were not offered to renew your contract.  She also had a child abuse allegation against her so she will need to put that in her applications as well even though it was a case that got closed.  She said she turned down offers because they were too low…But I’m sure she is having an even hard time then me. Well…She is a teacher and there are far more command for teachers but with that in her application ‘Im sure she is struggling.  You have nothing like that in your record.. you have volunteer experience and “accomplishments” and you have references.  You will get more references with the crisis volunteering and the part-time jobs that you WILL be offered to have.  Take it one day at a time.  Right now you need to focus on your involvement in the workouts for your program, seeing your man hopefully and the 2 jobs that have lined up for you.  You got this.  You always get what you want because you never give up.  You live with your mother because you’re a single mother. Now he is going to kindergarden and you will find a job that will allow you to finally move out.  But first…get the ball rolling by meeting new people in interviews and getting your body the way you need it to look to boost your confidence because confidence is the missing link to getting the life you have dreamed about since graduating from college.

[personalartfolder]

here i am yet again and i know inside me that this is not a good sign 

im not getting any better, it appears i only seem like i am but then i spiral right back into the darkness and the loops seem endless, i remember days where i would get up out of bed happy to be alive and sometimes i still have those days but its weird to have to count them or notice when theyre there because of how often they arent. 

i used to wake up happy to be alive and happy with my friends and my family and my work and the people i let into my life as an interest or otherwise, nothing used to hurt me and nothing used to stand in the way of the greatness i was destined to achieve, but one by one, pieces started to break off and i ignored the damage until today, where i must face what has happened to me and speak my truth, my whole truth. 

i had dreams of academic achievement in places far from home, but they were shut down, i had dreams of friendships that would outlive all friendships i had seen, but i was betrayed and pushed away from something i felt i had a part in forming. in one year, i lost my dream education and my dream group of friends. 

regardless, this was the first of the damage and i was yet to be terribly hurt by these things, it is only now that i realise there was no pain because i avoided dealing with it, and now i know that was my first mistake. 

I joined my new path in education and met new people, batch after batch of people in which i found it incredibly difficult to click with any, alongside the terrible workload that prohibits me from any form of social life beyond the batch i already knew, these factors combined have led to a constant stress and anxiety in my life with no social relief due to the inavailability of people i would like to call “real” 

although cancelled plans and all nighters were not crazy to me before, the lengths that i pushed them away when they bothered me have led me to hate the idea of them today, every cancelled plan dissapoints more than it should, every all nighter makes me reguess my career more than it should, i have become too emotionally sensitive and my mind always points the finger in 1 direction, the same direction it always has, the one thing that has been consistent from the start of my journey in higher education, him. 

i know nothing, i dont know if my sensitivity is because this person rubbed off on me, or if it is because i got used to complaining about the things that happened and asking for pity in hopes of some sort of attention that was not physical, i dont know if its not this person at all and just a side effect of the anxiety and stress i feel, maybe those are the reasons i am sensitive, nobodys personality ever rubbed off on me before, why would it be his fault? 

then again do i talk to anybody as much as him? or do anything with anyone as much as i do with him for that matter. 

if you always want to point the finger at him then you should leave him, but you dont, why is that? is it because u feel deep inside u that u misjudged him or is it because his influence has made u too weak to escape it becuase u are scared to be hurt or to hurt him. you made urself vulnerable and now look what it did to you. 

i am telling u from this moment onwards, u have until august 25th you must get your shit together and prove that he is worthy of this place in your life, if you cannot, you delete everything and you end it before you throw your mind and body into the depths of hell all over again. 

[subconsitrep]

A distant glance of that awaited dream

Since my last post, not much has changed.  Things are surely feeling more burdened than they are of feeling anything quite the opposite.  

It wasn't too long ago where I met with the very small and incognito spiritual community that uses certain medicines to deepen their sense of self and union with God.  It was my second time in attendance of this and where I thought the first time around was bad, the second time surely took the cake.  I plan to write about it at some point but today will not be the day.  Let’s just say that the feeling was that of my conscious mind being burned alive at the stake;  the most potent and intense feeling of a fear that I’ve ever experienced in my life, that felt completely out of my control and of my doing yet pursued to take hold for some time before I was thankfully (and I cannot stress that enough) snapped out of it.  I’ve not felt the same since, but I choose to believe that it is just something that still has to leave my body, trauma and all before I come back to my 100%.

Otherwise, it has proven very difficult to get up out of bed.  No doubt the lack of sunshine that I’ve lived with for just a bit over a year now has surely taken its toll.  However despite this fact, it still seems like it gets worse.  It takes a lot out of me; almost fighting with myself to get out of bed.  Im not sure why that is the case but I am certain that it is because (in some regard) I’ve not set up a set schedule of any sort that tells my mind the tasks of the next day, and therefore I just wallow in darkness for as much time as I can.  

In other news, and most definitely positive, I’ve somehow managed to come to terms with myself that I will decide to chase the Career of my dreams, that being a Fighter Pilot.  I suppose in all this time that's come to pass, I could’t really give myself a truthful answer as to why I’ve never really stuck with it, even after the years and years of commitment that I demonstrated.  Perhaps getting distracted and having a life outside of that for some time was necessary in my life path.  Nonetheless I do have a feeling that is calling me towards this direction, at the same time a feeling that all the challenges that have previously got the best of me will soon meet their match.  

Being a Pilot in the Forces has demanded much from me that previously I could not deliver, in my past.  The neglect and lack of intimacy in my life was necessary for my character to grow but I lacked it.  Too much of a priority well surpassing my dream, amongst other reasons.  Failure to complete high school with acceptable academic achievements.  I was brilliant, (I am brilliant) and surely knew it for nearly all of my academic years.  Since the trauma of my father, everything sort of just clicked.  Things began to get the better of me and I fell completely short.  More like fell completely over, and for some time I was hurt by it.  I think it only took me up until now to admit the step that followed after up until present day: Live in denial.  Tell myself that I was in some way affiliated with the Forces without actually ever being properly sworn in.  To make myself believe that I did my small and insignificant part, that would have excused my drive to complete the dream, because something, or some excuse had not allowed me to continue.  They are all lies.  I am most capable.  At quite a disadvantage in some senses but it is most definitely possible to achieve.

I haven’t even thought about Confederation college since I’ve sought interest.  It’s not even been a week yet and I’ve already applied to the forces, in prep for my aptitude test and doing my extent in research for prepping for the battle of the brain that I will be tested in.  That being said, Im going to have to re-do courses from High school.. 4, presently.  All 4U courses and Im going to have to do them all very fast and very soon with presumed honours to tailor my application to their liking.  I’ve already registered and waiting for the school to get back to me.  I’ve also begun a Lumosity subscription, based off the recommendation of some other RCAF Pilot recruit advised as I stumbled on his blog that noted how beneficial it was to his aptitude and most especially his Aircrew selection tests.  

The drive is already there, though my conscious mind may not sense it.  There are a good many distractions that I must eliminate, and there are many things that I am going to have to change, and those implementations must come swiftly.  I need to force myself to do things that I typically have refused in recent times.  Things like going to the gym.  Despite my natural athletic physique I have cheated myself and though I know it is good for me, I have made many excuses.  I need to condition and train my mind to get into the swing of things, more than I’ve ever done before.  I must become self-reliant and unperturbed by any distraction or any one thing that would stand in my way of completing this goal. 

And so it is imperative that I figure out a routine that I must stick with.  IT must become my religion that I must practise.  I must also find time to meditate.  Regain stillness in mind and ease my quickly-triggered emotions wherever they may be.  

[luv-engineering]

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