#i kind of always told myself in highschool that id never be able to do creative careers because they just werent reasonable

[westywallowing]

exploring creative careers?? who knew could be kind of fun??

[chronic-confessions]

Confession #3,258

Part 1 - no support from family for boyfriend kind of

Ever since day one my parents never have supported me or thought I was “faking” my pain. I used to miss a ton of school because in the morning I would wake up and feel so nauseous and sometimes vomit, I would be so exhausted and still tired or wake up with headaches and be so tired throughout school id fall asleep in class, on the bus, and come home and sleep for five hours once I got home from school. They used to force me to go to school because I had to and the whole time they thought I was just faking it so stay home and sleep in. Then when my stomach problems started coming up my parents thought I was faking it again and complaining about my stomach to go to the doctors and get notes and excuses to miss school. Especially in the beginning when the doctors couldn’t find much wrong with me. Until they did an endoscopy and found gastritis and ulcers and eventually did a gastric emptying test and found I have gastroparesis. N guess what? The doctors diagnosed me with all of this shit in-front of my parents and even showed the pictures of the ulcer and gastritis in my stomach and my parents still think I’m faking it. 

They always tell me how if I “ate better I wouldn’t have any problems” or “ if you wouldn’t of had went vegetarian this wouldn’t of had happened to you” and all of this bullshit. It pisses me off so bad especially since now here I am 20 years old and still suffering from stomach problems having flare ups and now new symptoms where two of my doctors thinks I have some kind of autoimmune disease possibly multiple sclerosis. I sleep so much at least 10-13 hours a day and my boyfriend constantly calls me lazy to my face. I just don’t understand how people can be in the room with me while the doctors clearly is saying there’s something wrong with me and then they turn around and talk shit like they don’t know I have chronic illnesses. My boyfriend literally told me that in the future he’s not going to let me sleep in because I need to be productive and wake up early and cook breakfast and do all of this shit and I actually cried because wtf. I have a ton of anxiety my doctor thinks I’m depressed as well and having no support or anyone to talk to makes it completely worse. I can’t even have sex anymore because majority of the time I get these SEVERE cramps that make me want to vomit and my boyfriend has seen me collapse on the floor crying curled up in a ball in pain and then asks me to have sex again the next day. I stopped working and I know my boyfriend doesn’t like it because he says shit like “ it must be fun to sit around at home all day especially if you get approved for disability, shit lay around and get paid for it”. It makes me feel so bad especially since sometimes I have good days and sometimes I have terrible days. Especially when I have a flare up and I’m really sick for a week this is why I don’t want to get another job. It’s like when I’m sick my boyfriend takes care of me but then when I have a few days where I’m less sick and feeling OKAY to do things he’s like “ why don’t you get a part time job”. Idk like my boyfriend is better than my parents but he doesn’t get it. He has these severe chronic painful migraines and I’m so supportive of him and do everything I can to help him and he should understand how I feel because he misses a lot of school and work because of the migraines but yet when I used to stay home from work because I was nauseous and having abdominal pains he would sigh and just be like “ so you’re really not going to work today?” And just make me feel really bad. I especially can’t talk to my sister because she’s called me a “hypochondriac” multiple times even though she has fucking diabetes since she was like 6 years old she should understand too. I hate how my sister and boyfriend both think because they still push through work and school that I should just “suck it up” and try to live a normal life. Don’t even get me started with the shit people say to me when I mention I want to file for disability. My parents,friends, and boyfriend all say something along the lines of “ you’re fine just get a easy job” “ you don’t quality for disability you just ant to lay around all day” etc. it really breaks my heart and makes me feel so bad that I can’t talk to ANYBODY when I’m sick or feeling sad and want to vent. Something that kind of makes me mad if that my boyfriends mom has a virus that she is fine most of the time but sometimes gets really sick as has to go get blood transfusions and medications in the hospital and stuff and my boyfriends dad keeps her from working and everyone is all over helping her but yet when I have a flare up and having s lot of nausea and abdominal pains and all these other symptoms people tell me to take a tums and get up. Like I have a diagnosis of serious stuff too just because the doctors don’t ever want to keep me in the hospital doesn’t mean it’s not serious. If I’m being honest the times I go to the hospital for pain the doctors treat me like I’m looking for drugs or tell me that I’m “just constipated and drink some water”. Like the way everyone has been treating me has been bringing me down so much and there’s no way of escaping it. 

Part two: I don’t know why my health is so bad for more than half of my life

Ever since I was 9 I’ve been in pain starting with my periods. I was put on birth control and it’s helped a lot so that’s hardly one of my issues now. When I was around 13 that’s when my stomach problems started and now that I’m 20 years old two doctors think I have multiple sclerosis and I’m going to see a neurologist next month. It’s been really hard for me to deal with being in pain all the time since I was young but I feel like I’m almost accustomed to the pain that I don’t show it so much on the outside. Especially when it comes to my nausea I’m nauseous every single day and usually I don’t complain about it because I’ve been nauseous every day for years only when it gets really bad I’ll lay down or hunch over. At least every other day I get abdominal cramps or pains in my stomach or the urge to vomit. My stomach problems have lead to other issues like malnutrition and other stuff. Recently I’ve been having neurological problems that have been scaring me I’ve been getting a lot of numbness on anywhere on my body that pressure is applied. Even for less than a minute my body part won’t even get pins and needles feeling it’ll just go straight up NUMB like can’t move my fingers or my arm or leg feels really heavy shit even my butt goes numb when I’m sitting on a hard chair or if I lean over a table to grab something or do something for a few seconds my arm or hand will start to go numb. Even when I’m sleeping and I’m laying on top of my pinky it’ll go numb. I’ve been getting these shocks of pain in my left hand that make me drop stuff or even have to let go of the steering wheel when I’m driving. I have these lingering headaches mostly behind my eyes or like one side of my head. I have a lot of trouble sleeping and my vision isn’t blurry sometimes it’s hard to focus and I’ve been having these black specks in my vision and lastly I lose my breath really easily and my heart rate shots up for doing any little thing even just shampooing my hair I be breathing heavy and feeling my heart beat in my neck and chest like I feel like I’m going to pass out… and two of my doctors think it’s multiple sclerosis. I just don’t get why I can’t live a normal active life. I used to go kayaking on my good days and it used to make me soooo happy and relaxed even thought I’d be really fatigued from all of the movement kayaking in the springs was my passion and the only thing to completely take my mind off of how sick I felt. Now that I live in Texas and I’m almost having these neurological symptoms I don’t think I would even be able to go kayaking at all there’s no springs to go kayaking here anyways but and I just sit at home all day and feel depressed.

Part 3: worried about my future

I know I can’t go to school because I have a really hard time focusing,concentrating, or remembering things I would fail. In elementary school all the way through sophomore year of highschool( before I left to homeschooling because of my chronic illness) I’ve always had a really hard time with school with attendance and keeping up my grades. I’ve recently lost two jobs in a row because of my attendance because once again my chronic illness and I just worry what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. I’m not going to college because I know I can’t handle it and I don’t want to go back to work because clearly I can’t hold a job and my doctor himself told me it might be best to not work to keep my stress down. I just feel so lazy but when I force myself to try and be productive and do things when my body doesn’t let me I end up getting sicker for longer and it’s really frustrating. I’ve already mentioned how my boyfriend told me how in our future he’s not going to let me lay around all day because he wants me to get up and do things which i understand I don’t want to put the burden on him for everything but it’s like my BODY WONT LET ME. my dad is fully disabled and he lays around all day and watches TV and sleeps all day and people don’t bother him but when I mention getting disability I’m just “lazy” and “fully capable of working but just don’t want to” I just really don’t know.

Part 4: losing my job recently and wanting to get disability

So in November I started a receptionist job. I specifically applied for this job because I figured it would be low stress and I would be able to sit and basically have it accommodate with my illnesses. Well I was wrong because that job had me stressed out every. Single. Day whether it was rude clients, my rude and condescending co workers, having to wake up at 4-6am depending on the shift, constantly being called in on my days off, having to get up and run around the building looking for stuff for a client or one of the doctors, etc. every day I would come home pissed off and complain to my boyfriend and the almost three months I worked there I had probably around four panic attacks at work because of the situations and stress I was put under. Recently I’ve been having neurological problems on top of gastroparesis flare ups and before my 90 days I missed three weeks of work whether it was because I was sick and couldn’t make it to work or had a doctors appointment, in the hospital etc. Nobody ever wanted to switch shifts with me so I always just had to miss work and I brought a doctors note for every day I missed. Right before my 90 days ended they let me go which is kind of a relief but now I have no money coming in and bills to pay. I’m thinking about applying for disability but I’m waiting to get my possible multiple sclerosis diagnosed before I start going through the process. My last job was working as a technician in an animal hospital and it was wayyy too stressful and active for me a dog pulled me so hard my wrist and back were fucked up and I had to miss work for four days and go to the doctors and chiropractors. I had to lift up dogs that weighed up to 50/60 pounds and that also fucked up my back on two occasions because I’m really skinny and when I try to lift with my legs they shake and give out. I would be bruised up from restraining dogs and they barely bump into me and I get a painful red and purple bruise. I’m too “fragile” to handle the naughty big dogs that would pull me to hard and then once again rude co workers and rude clients that gave me a ton of anxiety and stress. My doctor told me himself I should leave that job and that’s when I went for the receptionist job and it was just as bad. I mostly want to get disability because I feel like I’m not reliable to keep a job with doctors appointments and flare ups that I have and I feel like at the reception job I couldn’t handle the easiest of shit my memory is so terrible I got in trouble for fucking up a handful of situations and was actually called “dumb” by a co worker. Not to mention the stress of having to somewhat argue with my boss that I can’t come to work on so many days because I’m going to the doctors or calling out because I feel so sick and having to tell them I’m going to the doctor tomorrow so I can’t come in or I’m in the emergency room and been here for nine hours and it’s already 2am and still here I won’t be able to come to work tomorrow etc. So yeah idk we will see but there’s no way I’m putting myself back in that situation. Now that I get to lay down and relax and a majority of stress is cut from my life I’ve been feeling better but still not by any means I’m completely fine I’m still sick everyday but the stress was making me way sicker.

[elaniadventuresinlondon]

Thankful and delighted

I recently asked a friend to pray for me because he kept showing up in my dreams as if he has some advice for me but I couldn’t remember it when I woke up, so I messaged him asking if he happens to get any words for me id love to hear, and his words totally blew me away! He said he had been praying for me and actually wanted to share some things with me. Wow thank you God for those who can hear from you. Anyways he asked what are some things I have been most thankful for, so this post is for you!

Here are some things I’ve been so thankful for:

1. Father God has richly supplied for all my needs. My ark fam, my lodging, a new computer, fresh food, more health, the most beautiful location, even enjoyable work to do!

2. I’m thankful He has helped remove tensions of distrust that I was struggling with for a while. God challenged me to remove the walls of distrust I had erected to keep my mind safe from the differences I felt in our beliefs. But when I asked God why can’t I trust them? He said “because you don’t know them fully.” And when I asked “do you trust them?” He just said, “I love them very much.” Jesus has taught me that it’s possible to extend love without trust. That I had it wrong for thinking that trust was a prerequisite for love. God has really transformed my heart in this area and I feel so much clearer and lighter and happier! Praise the Lord!

3. I’m thankful to be living with folks who care so much about their health and what they eat. At first, I honestly judged my friends for being food elitists. I saw a parallel of how elitist I may come across when I only speak of how amazing it is to walk with Jesus and never invite soomeone and show them how they too can taste and see for themselves, the goodness of God. I was tired of “hearing” about all the great things they are doing to preserve their life by eating healthy and eating beautiful things. I thought “that life is only for the rich. What about all the poor people who can’t afford to eat like this? What a privilege it is to eat organic. I’ll just eat ramen because it’s cheap and I like it.” But God tapped my shoulder and told me I was judging and told me that I could eat healthy too, and that poor people can eat healthy too if I just feed them. God encouraged me that if I wanted to see the kind of care for others that I wanted to receive that I must learn how to fast and to give up my delicious healthy food to feed those who are hungry, and give drink to those who are thirsty. So I did, and I realized how much grace God gives each person everyday to live and move and have their being. I was filled with grace! I had grace to not eat, grace to give, grace to not judge, and grace over myself. And I felt God taught me how much he provides for his sheep and how much he desires them to be healthy. God gave me my body and I wasn’t stewarding it as much as I could. This is one gift I actually am super thankful for - that God has transformed my thinking of stewarding my body and health. It’s not selfish to eat healthy and take care of it. I can live on very little or a lot. And if that very little helps my body and does not harm it, then I am being a good steward. I can do both, live healthy and care for those who cannot make healthy decisions just yet. And if I preach good news, then the more powerful thing to do is to bring people in to experience it themselves.

4. God has given me more vision over my life than I previously had. I came with no plan, no agenda except to “come and see” to “follow him” wherever He was leading me. Meeting the folks here has opened my eyes to what it looks like to collaborate and build the kingdom of God together, globally. It looks like believing that one of our purposes is to redeem and reconcile the land and people back to God. It looks like introducing people to each other, even if they are across the world and saying hey you two should meet and God has knitted something similar in your hearts and share encouragements with each other. It looks like hopping on calls with people around the world to tackle problems that the Body of Christ has the ability to tackle yet we have given our strength and efforts to the man with money, instead of the King who desires heaven on earth and His will to be done. I haven’t had conversations like this in a while. I feel like I have received more sight, more vision, more collaboration across the global Church, more innovative possibilities of what it looks like to be missional and use our talents, giftings and calling to heal the bride and make her whole, unified and ready for the coming day!

5. I’m thankful I’ve been able to explore more of my artistic side here. I began designing some things for a friend, and started a 30 drawing challenge. Then started an Instagram! Check it out here if you want to see my doodles. This has awakened me to possiblities that I can be an illustrator and I can learn new tricks. 😂

6. I’m thankful for the many possibilities of what I can do here. One of the funniest things I have been doing is giving haircuts. It definitely seems that wherever I go, I give haircuts. I thank my mom for passing on her expertise to me and teaching me from highschool how to cut hair. I literally have customer bookings from people in the building I’m living in. I’m actually very excited to get to know random folks and share my story and hear theirs as well. Wow God you’re so good!

7. I’m thankful for the weather. Last time I came to London it rained so much and it was so windy and cold. I came at the same time last year... so I packed 2 rain jackets, 5 sweaters, 1 tank top, 1 shorts and 1 skirt. The point being I packed for cold weather. But when I prayed if I should go or not, God kept showing me blue skies and sunny days and nice clouds. I had no idea that it would be the reality of the weather im in now! It is blazing hot here! And I’ve been doing all the summer things like buying sunscreen, getting sunburnt, wearing the same one pair of shorts and the same tank top everyday. Lol but I’m so thankful my friend told me about Depop! I have since bought several summery things. Hehehe 😁

🌈 I drew the clouds I see everyday.

8. Thankful for the people here. At first it was hard for me to like the folks here haha. Can I be that honest? I really had my guard up. I’m the only Asian girl in the circles I’ve been in.  I didn’t like how some people spoke about things, accusing me of bringing Corona to the country, etc. I felt like I was among immature believers who were offensive and didn’t know it. But God told me he loved all of these people and even those who said racist things to me, as I too have spoken racist things and needed forgiveness. And he forgives me, and has seen me change; so I should forgive others too and believe they can change too.

He began to show me how much I need to speak with a thought-filled global heart posture. So more grace has entered in and I have begun to like the folks here. In the house church, I mentioned how I have no context for anyone and was wondering if people knew each other’s stories, and they didn’t! So we have been sharing our personal testimonies and it has been revolutionary! I feel like wow God you’re so crazy! These peoples lives are so crazy! And you brought everyone to this group? It makes me quite excited about the global body of Christ and how fun it will be in heaven to swap stories!!! Truly it was be jaw dropping.

9. I’m thankful for my Ark fam. This is the first trip where I felt so connected even while being away. Most trips, I don’t hear from a single person but this trip, because of corona times, I’ve been able to be “present” as if I had never left. It’s been something I’ve always desired and I’m so thankful I now have a context for keeping in touch despite time zones and locations.

10. The future. I’m thankful that while I don’t know what will happen, I believe God has my best in store. It’s a daily surrender of expectations but I feel God’s hand on my future like he has it. And I can let go. I can ask and dream and ask, and dream bigger. Thank you God.

[targsdaenerys]

let me tell you all a story. a story of my experience with ouat.

2012.

in fourth grade, i was watching american idol. during commercials, i viewed a promo consisting of a dragon and unicorns. now, at the time, unicorns were my ver y favorite, so of course, i was intrigued. i told my mom that i heard about a show with unicrons, but that i didnt know what it was called. she told me how she had heard of it and wanted to check it out. after watching the season one interviews between red and snow, she believed it was too old for me. i agreed. no unicorns. not what i was expecting.

2013.

a year passes. fifth grade was a blur, and all i know is that we went to disney. i had no idea what would change since then.

2014.

my friends are suddenly starting to talk about this kid’s eyebrows. how they are “so hot” and “sexy”. she showed me a picture off of robbie kay’s instagram and i laughed. ha, peter pan? whatever.

but then, it started to reoccur each monday, they would talk about it. i actually started to look forward to monday lunch periods. i begged them to discuss what they thought of the episode. once again, i was intrigued. 

so of course, i wanted to see what the fuss was about. whats this big deal with peter pan? and who the hell’s rumple after only a few clips, i suddenly loved snow and charming. i needed more. i needed to watch.

so i tried. desperately.  i only had an ipad, and was unaware it was on netlfix, so i tried to watch the first episode of the series by typing in “once upon a time season 1 episode one online free to any platform.i actually was able to find it and went in excitedly the next day to tell my friends. that was when i learned it was on netflix and thati could not wait to get home and watch it. so i did. but the thing is, i was only there for snow and charming scenes.  i literally only skipped to their scenes. thats how i watched the show.

but then, as i was scrolling around youtube one day looking forsscenes for them, i came across “Emma and Hook Kiss scene” my frirst thought? it was between “ew”and “serioulsy?”

i watched it anyway.

and to behonest, it was kind of just a “okay, that happened” kind of thing. it wasnt until my friend told me after the season 3 finle that emma and hook kissed again before i got alitle excited. not much more, though.

then months pass, and suddenly, scrolling around netflix, i come across the hunger games. i held a grudge against the series since it became big with the popular group in my school that year. but i was thirsty for romance. and i heard it had some.

and thats how i fell in love with everlark. one night. the next morning i started following pages on instagram. i look up the ship on googlge. and tumblr posts pop up. i make a tumblr.

i start to follow pages on there with everlark, but then i start to see things on both platforms. emma and hook. and then, i slowly started to fall in love. not much. i just watch a couple of their scenes during season three, come across their second kiss. getting really, really excitated for the fourth season.

at the point, i had written about two everlark fanfictions. i wanted to write one about emma and hook, but i had no i dea how. or what .

but then tumblr inspired me. to the point where i started to freak out over every episode no matter how small the scenes were. in october of seventh grade, i wrote my first captain swan fanifction. i also drew my first drawing that i never thought i was able to do. sure, it was with a sketchbook my aunt got me in second grade and a #2 pecil, but i believe its still beautiful. it wasnt long after i actually found the name, captain swan, rather than using “kemma” or “killimma”.

2015.

and from there, my obsession sky rocketed. i stayed up until four every night after an episode, despite schol the next morning. i wrote little drabbles that arelong since gone ever since my laptop broke. i drew more drawings, i rewatched every scene until thats all that was in my head.the s4 finale was as hard on me as everyone else, and i tried to write a specualtion fic to the s5 premiere. i neverfinshed. although, looking back at the writing now, i can still feel the pain i was in by it.

and then season five started. again, i freaked out as much as everyone else. every episode. i still remeber the week after the first episode, we lost someone int he fandom. we miss you, love.

and then it was late october.saturday the 22nd, my mom came into my room to ask me if id seen my friend alyssa that day. she was a year older than me, afreshman in highschool. i didnt, so i told her. i didnt ever think what might have been.the following day, i was working at the food pantry when my mom caled me.they had found alyssa. but she wasnt okay.maybe in her mind she may have been the best shes ever been, but to us,she wasnt.

no one else knew, and i had to walk home in silence. i didnt cry because at the time we werent as close as the year before and it didnt hit me.but then my mother’s words repeated in my head. “Alyssa died, sweetie.” it was asentence i never forgot.

im not the best at keeping my emtions with myself. i always think people will judge me and call me selfish if i cry, and i didnt want it to be like that. so i kept it in.i kept the tears in for so, so long, even to the point here i didnt even cry at her wake where she looked like an angel although the scarf around her neck was something shed never wear. and what kept my sanity? once upon a time. it was then when i realized it was my anchor. 

2016.

back in 2015 my mother made me audtion for a vocational school. earlier that year i had found its dance program and wanted to go, but along the way my intrest dwindled. she told me to give it a shot anyway because i had a very low chance of making it in due to my grades at the time. 

i made it in. 

the following months were the worst of my life. every day on the way home from dance wed fight about which high school was better, and although she was right about me going to the vocational one, i wanted to stay in my district. lets just say the only thing that kept me from following alyssa into the darkness was dance competitions. oh, and what else. the damn once upon a time episodes.

she forced me to go to that school, by the way. sure, i enjoy it now, but the people there suck and i still do not like how she went at it.

that fall, i take my friend to our first convention.since i started watching oneupon a time, i wanted others to watch it, and my one friend agreed to. until the end of the neverland arc.  and peter pan died. no more ouat for her. but, since robbie was going to be there, lets go. she got a picture with him, i got a picture with bex. yayay.

2017.

last week, we experienced the best sunday of our life. a wedding we never really thought would happen. it was unbelievable. emma got her happy ending(or beginning) aand we got ours. it was so thrilling that even my friend who stopped watching in season three was excited. but as much as it was unbeliable the night, the following morning was too.

that was the most giddiest i had ever felt for school. every more we have a forty five minute bus ride and the but whole time i listened to the musical on repeat. but then, as i looked down to pause the music as we pulled into school, i saw my friends text. Jen’s facebook post.

i was in a daze all day.

it wasnt until lunch, the last period since it was a half day, where i just broke down. people asked me what was wrong and i explained as best i could, but shitty people have shitty outlooks on things and they didnt understand. it was the loneliest ive ever felt.

my mom kind of comforted me, telling me how she felt the same when parent hood ended and that ill find a new show ill like just the same, but one upon a time is special. no show can replace or even add onto what kind of mark it had left on me. it was what started my career in wririting and drawing. in someways it kept me alive. and what did people do when i told them this? they laughed.

it was tuesday night when i ran down stairs, telling my mom about convention tickets for colin and jen photo op i found on sale. we had them in mind for awhile, but never got them. she told me wed look into it. we missed the sale.

so here we were, here i was, aall i was able to think about was how id never meet the people who played the characters that shaped me and my future. until the next morning, my birthday, where i was given the tickets.

and today,to night, was pretty much the end of the storybook. im not going to go into it because i have it on a post from about an hour ago. but thank you everyone, for helping me be me. and thank you for this blessed oppurtuniy, in which i had never and will never take for granted, to be a part of such a magical communtiy. because of this platform i have aspired my career of writing, drawing, and fulfilling my dreams of being a princess by being able to contact disney about the program.if it wasnt for this damned, beautiful fucking shwow, i would probably bedrastically different. this story we created is timeless, a neverending fairytale in both real life and on screen. the story contiues for ever and ever in our hearts and writing and drawing and all of the incredible talents we all have.

[pokepelagore]

uhh a lot of things have been going on lately and theres a few things i need to get off my chest so lets enter the #OversharingHours shall we?

im just a sophmore but im already under a ton of pressure about the future/university and whatnot and its really stressing me out like i have to start making huge decisions and its all because of $$$ which my family doesnt have so u know what that means? i gotta earn everything myself and like not only that like lemme make a list cus i hate being disorganized

ok as i said i need $$cash money$$ asap or i’ll mcfreaking die. my parents straight up told me they aren’t gonna pay for my university and are forcing me to work my way up to a scholarship, which is troublesome for many reasons bc: 

my moma is struggling with being able to pay my psychologist and that Really sucks cus then i wont be able to receive therapy and get better, so how tha hell r u supposed to expect me to get a scholarship if im not mentally chill yakno

the Highest average ive ever gotten was 94, and that was in fifth grade my dudes. if im gona get a scholarship, i have to get a 96 at the very least and my current average this year is in my 80s and altho my average is shit because of geometry and bullshit mitochondria class, i kno theres no one else 2 blame but myself...

ok, so if some fuckin miracle happens and i do manage to earn that sweet savory scholarship, what next?? like, theres only one university i actually wanna go to (unless i become a braniac and earn a scholarship in the united states or something) which is like 1-2 hours from my house. i kno its kinda dumb but ive always thought of myself studying there and nowhere else so my first instinct is to try and go there, but i feel like im not being realistic cus not only am i imagining actually obtaining my scholarship but also a scholarship into the university i wana go to like thats a pretty huge deal. of course, there are closer ones like theres one like 10 minutes from my house but spoiler alert i dont wana live with my mom after highschool id kms

alright, in some fantasyland where i get that scholarship in my preferred university, how am i gona manage going there? i sure as hell aint gonna live in this cramped apartment after my senior year thats for sure. like yea, i have an idea of living with my gf like she’ll be off to uni next year and while i wont go to uni myself until two years after, itd be nice if i lived with her like at that point im pretty sure she either has her own apartment or maybe i can be her roommate for a while in her childhood home until we buy an apartment ourselves - which means i need even more $$$

and not only that but i obviously need a car. i was thinking that if things do go well with this optimum scholarship stuff and if i started earning money right now, i’d be able to get a sweet ride early in my senior year. i mean, of course i’d be hoarding a lot of cash from my relatives they’d give me over the holidays and i’d have to do a lot of odd jobs, but with a quick search ive found that i could get a decent car like a honda civic for like $10,000 bucks, which is a lot when i think about it but i have many talents so i wouldnt kill myself trying to get a car ok

and finally, finally, with the faint glimmer of hope my heart holds that all of this ends up going right, i still dont know wtf im going to study. i mean, yeah there are a lot of cool stuff, but never once in my life have i focused on one thing i mean thats kind of impossible for me when theres so many things to do. so i have to decide this too and it makes me really :// because like all that stuff i just mentioned will go to waste if i end up studying something just because theres nothing else for me to do and thats really sad

but yea these are my main worries for my future, not to mention my hobbies n relationships with other people or this will really get long dhfhdfhds maybe i should just sell weed with my uncle that doesnt sound so bad lol

[nevagivein-blog]

Certain goals i used to write down just to escape reality or simply cause i thought it would impress people i had around me. I thought if i can achieve it then others would begin to believe in me. I resorted to that because i was around people who seemed to not care if was doing what made me happy. I understand now that you have to pursue things that make you feel best. I started to seek for acceptance but originally i always followed my passion and trusted my heart. Thats how i know the goals were not authentic because when i did experience success i obtained what i was passionate about and truly desired. You will not have to remind yourself or constantly write it down over and over to stay focused when its what you want... those are not goals those are a list of things that you think will get you accepted by other or impress others, but when you truly want it its on your mind all the time , when you dream at night , when you wake up , even when you not really think about nothing it just randomly pops in your head. There is a difference in wanting to do something based off of you seeing someone else do it or based off of anticipated reactions from others. When you can envision it and you achieving it will make you happy and you spend all of that time getting in position. 

I hear motivational speakers say all the time how using your family as motivation works, i dont know if its because of where im at in life but that never worked for me. I understand some things are bigger than me. But me doing something that will effect my family positively starts on a personal level. I pointed out how im not grinding and working hard to be accepted by anyone i dont care how much i love my family. 1 of my biggest pet peves are people who are not unconditional. If i do something for my family its simply because ( I ) wanted to do that for the betterment of how i feel. It may seem crazy but ive been told that i cant achieve things and that im going to fail by people that supposedly love me the most. Ive had dreams crushed by love ones. So i cant get caught up on how they feel about what im doing because that is an obstacle. Id probably feel different if i always had a support group that believed and i felt like they were counting on me but thats not the case. I still love them and im gone do my best to help them become better because thats who i am as a person. Another tactic or tool used for motivation is when you are taking steps toward your dreams or your goals and you think back to the moment when somebody told you that you cant, and you believe in yourself so much that you use your desire to prove them wrong to push yourself harder. Its crazy cause sometimes after you prove a toxic person wrong they still look for ways to take credit. its all apart of life. Another thing i want to add is that attitude is important even if youre failing dont let failures discourage you. Carry yourself as if its going to happen, wanting to succeed isnt enough you actually have to truly believe that you can do it. Thats why its important to surround yourself with people who care, like if you come to them and you let them know that you failed they try to lift you up and they respond positively , people that will laugh at you or people that will hold on to your failures and continue to bring up your past failures in a negitive way or try to bring you down and keep you down. You have to cut them off even if they are your loved ones. I spent along time being around people like that and id always stand up for myself but enviroment affects your life. You should be able to take a lost and shake it off so you can put your energy towards winning. Id also say try to seek guidance from people who have done what you are trying to do, try to learn from there mistakes everyone that has done what youre trying to do isnt always good for you make sure they respect you enough to teach you and not try to force ways onto you or possibly see you as a threat, every successful person does not have good characteristics. Im still on my journey and i need a mentor. I feel like being around a collection of people who care enough to help anyway they can and being around people have desires and are getting things done is important. Not everyone you surround yourself with should be on the same path or even have any connection with your goals. Its good to have different personalities around that all possess good characteristics and generally want good for each other. I think of tv shows like Friends or Seinfeld where its a group of friends that are all different but they love each other though. No one just succeeds there are all kinds of bumps in the road and slumps throughout the journey. Dreams and goals are different goals take dedication and knowledge but dreams take passion and willpower, you can put a deadline on a goal you can't put a deadline on your dreams some people spend their entire life chasing there dreams. I said passion cause your dreams shouldnt be forced apon you. I used to have football dreams and even though football put me through alot of pain.I enjoyed the pain because i understood that it was a process. More mentally than physically I remember dudes used to not want to practice or work hard I wanted to win and i meant it you can tell sometimes i was going through pain but it would hurt more not to be with my team than any physical pain, Id always say pain is tempory. I would show up to practice on days that i missed school , the love for the game was real. Id train in any weather condition I was relentless but the school i attended was very political and over time the dream faded after highschool no offers and no support system. I never got the chance to show what i could do. But hey life isnt fair you know, The things i learned playing football were applicable to life so im just trying to figure out my life and how i can help the world become a better place. It took me years to realize that there is more to life than football not being able to play left me depressed for a long time. I mightve tried to search for things to fill the void from football I started to smoke weed heavily it was one off my escapes along with writing goals and lusting for my evil ex and sometimes rapping i just wanted to feel better about my life and my progress i spent years working hard dedicating my life and it never paid off. Ive grown and im better now Ive been sober for a while and ive been trying to live life to the fullest i keep myself motivated i got in college which was something i always wanted so now im starting my journey trying to do more and gain more experience , its hard trying to turn a new leaf and succeed while dealing with the torture, I dont know what it is but i will get free from it soon i know i will. Ive been through too much and ive came too far to let them ruin me , life is a journey and storms come to pass , I have faith and i know things will get better for me, they cannot stop me.

[colorfulsuitdestiny-blog]

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Hello, I would like to know if car insurance is lower or higher if you lease it instead of financing it?""

Can My Insurance pay to get my teeth whitin?

I don't think I spelt whitin correctly but you guys should no what i mean..& how can I find Out if my insurance or medicate pays to whitin my teeth? btw my medicate was the one that paid for my braces~

Who has the cheapest FR44 insurance in Florida? Help!?

I have Geico now and they are really giving me a hard time about keeping the insurance because of a DUI. I've had them for 6 months. They insist that I pay in full for my 6 month policy and last time I could barely afford it, but this time I definitely cannot afford it. I had my DUI in 2009. Anybody know of lower-cost FR44 insurance that you can make in payments monthly?! P.S. DO NOT drink and drive...even if you had less than three drinks. If you didn't hurt/kill anyone else, it will definitely ruin your life financially for a LONG time!""

""Hi all, does any 1 no where i can get multiple car insurance quotes instead of searching 1 by 1?""

i would like 2 enter my details and have multiple companies offering insurance, instead of doing it 1 by 1 does any 1 no where i can search for multiple insurance quotes thanx all""

no obligation insurance quotes

no obligation insurance quotes

Suspending car insurance?

i have car insurance i pay monthly for but i mite be going on a course away from home but i wont be able to work to pay for the insurance. i would need to not pay for it as it were for a 12 weeks. is there anything i can do or any advice ?

Statefarm locksmith coverages for auto insurance?

how much StateFarm reimburses for locksmith charges. I had to pay $139 for a locksmith to come and open my car. his service charge is 39.99 and $75 for opening car (tax and 10% credit card charge) it totalled to $139. now any of you has any idea how much StateFarm will reimburse me. Do agents play tricks to reimbruse less money. Any suggestions will be highly appreciated. Thank you

How much money would it cost for car insurance for...?

I am 17, I got my G2 license recently.. How much would I be looking at if i were to buy insurance for a jeep 04 rubicon? Also, if you know, how much did you or your friends pay or ur kids for car insurance and where do u live...""

How much does it cost to get a license to sell insurance?

How much does it cost to get a license to sell insurance?

Will my dad's car insurance go up if I get my license?

I'm 19 and want to get my license without getting my dad's car insurance going up.

1993 camaro car insurance?

I'm looking to buy a 1993 used camaro with a v8 engine and 145k miles on it off craigslist. I just need to know how much the car insurance will cost me. I'm 16 turning 17 in a month. I get A's and B's in school (someone once told me grades help lower car insurance) and havnt gotten into any accidents yet. i know you guys can't give me and accurate price but i just want a general price range from any company. i'm trying to find a really cheap car insurance. so can someone please tell me a general price range i might end up paying for the car?

What's the best auto insurance for teenagers?

I'm a female, 17 & about to get a car. I was wondering what's the best/cheapest auto insurance for me to get.""

Car insurance america?

I'm thinking of going to America for six months and want to buy a car to get about, but insurance is expensive could I get a resident of America to put me on there insurance then insure themselves on the car I just bought. Is this possible? If not any suggestions would be amazing thanks I'm from UK and 22""

What could happen if I lie on motorcycle insurance?

I want to buy a bike (motorcycle) but insurance is ridiculous. I'm 24 almost 25 in two weeks (which is why I have waited so long to get a bike thinking my insurance would drop like everyone says). I already have a license and took a safety motorcycle class. I have rode dirt bikes all my life and now want to get a sportbike. I have called almost every insurance company (major ones mostly and a few small local ones) all want me to pay $200. to $500 a month! That's almost $3000. to $5000. dollars a year! I could almost buy a new bike for that! My question is, after doing online quotes I found that if I lie (or bend the truth) and say I have rode for 3 or 5 years the insurance drops to about $100 dollars a month! Which is great. Now I haven't rode a bike on the road, a lot, or close to 3 years, but I do know how to drive, and I have no speeding tickets or accidents, so I'm safe. I just want to know, what's the harm in saying I have experience when I do, but not in the way they think. Are they really going to catch it or really care all that much? Is this a major deal, or do people do it all the time? I know people lie when they get insurance, like no one reports tickets or accidents, especially if they get them AFTER they get insurance. Let me know if there is ANY other ways to get insurance cheaper, I would love to have a bike and would appreciate any advice.""

How much will this ticket bring up the car insurance?

My boyfriend is 17 and getting his license. About a year ago, (last summer) when he just had his temps, he was driving without a parent and speeding in the middle of the night. The speed limit was 65 and he was going 104... He got caught by the police and had to go to court but he got off easy and they didn't give many charges. They let him off really easily actually. He just got his license delayed for 3 months, so he had to wait 3 more months to get it. That was all that happened though. So now he's all worried about how high his insurance will be and how many points will be added on his license and stuff. Like how much higher will his insurance go up? He lives in Ohio. &He's not a bad kid or anything.. he was just messing around with a few friends one night and they just so happened to get caught...""

Can My brother and I go under the same car insurance?

Can I get my name in his car too? In other words, could we both have our name under the insurance? Would this raise insurance? What would happen if one of us wrecks it?""

Do group health insurance plans provide for covering costs of auto insurance?

Do group health insurance plans provide for covering costs of auto insurance?

We are looking for affordable healthcare insurance for my husband and i we are not wealthy but we need?

health insurance we would be paying it out of pocket there would be no way for us to have bluecross blueshield but we need something we are in our 40s and if someone could helpus with the right info we would really appreciate it SINCERELY ,, miserable and uninsured""

Is it possible to get insurance without a six month or a 12 month contract?

Like for month to month

How much insurance would a 1977 Camaro be for a 16 year old?

My dream car has always been a Camaro. Recently me and my dad have been looking for project cars to fix up and stuff. We found a 1977 Camaro that only needs cosmetic work, so I've been asking him about it. He says the insurance would be around $5000 a year. We could get the at around $2500 dollars. The Camaro has a 350 V8 engine and a T350 transmission. I'm 16 right now but I turn 17 in 2 months. I've had my license for 10 months with no tickets or accidents. I've had 2 cars already, a 1997 Nissan Altima and a 1998 Chrysler Sebring (Which I pay about $90 a month for.) I am on my parents' insurance, but I still pay for the car I drive. I know I won't get a perfectly accurate amount without asking our Insurance providers, but is my dad right when he says it would be $5000 a year?""

I had a car accident but insurance info exchanged what to do?

Ok today while leaving grocery store I was driving so on the middle of the stope light it turn green the car in front of me start moving than stopped all of the sudden I was about to drive and than slammed my breakes I barely touched the car in front of me he stooped came outside the car and said u scratched my car I told him I don't think that's my car . He asked for my insurance and I asked for his he said he didn't have them in the car so I refused to give him my insurance info .. I took aspic of the car plate and the damaged also he did I the same Gave home my name and my number .. Told him whenever u got the insurance info he can call me ... The problem the car is under my brother name and insured under his name as my name is not in nether of the car or the insurance.. What to do ?? My brother can't afford to add me on .. And I know the damaged wisent that much .. Please help should I call back with the insurance or just ignore ???

Health Insurance question?

Who can you add as a secondary person on your insurance? Can it be a significant other or is it only a spouse allowed?

What's the cheapest I can get car insurance for at 18?

I really want a car, but I don't know if I should wait it out, until I'm 20 and really need it. Right now, it's not a necessity, but it would help a lot. Should I just wait it out, or is there any way insurance is cheaper for an 18 year old?""

How much does motorcycle insurance cost?

I recently turned 18 and saved up enough money for a ninja 250. how much would insurance for this cost in michigan

I want to buy a car i am 15 and i want to know which car should i get and how much is the insurance gna b??

I LiVE IN FLORIDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I'm 20 with no diploma: How do I get health insurance?

I'm a 20 year old male in Austin, Texas, and I was homeschooled and have 2 courses to complete until I get my highschool diploma. I have very little work experience (worked for HEB for 3 months). How do I get health insurance? Any suggestions on who would hire me that has insurance, or any government help I could be eligible for health wise?""

""How much will I have to put down and pay every month if I want to purchase a $30,000 car?What about insurance?""

-first time buyer -New York State -Salary is b/w 35,000-48,000 -always on time with my credit payments""

What does hurricane insurance cost?

I'm relocating to the greater houston area and am planning on buying a home in harris or galveston counties. I wanted to get a ballpark idea of what hurricane insurance would run on a 200k home with perhaps 45k of contents.

Which 5 R the best health insurance companies in India?

In terms of claim settlement ratio and efficient service

Why does medical insurance in the USA only want to insure the healthy?

Why does medical insurance in the USA only want to insure the healthy?

no obligation insurance quotes

no obligation insurance quotes

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/insurance-teenager-driving-sports-car-austin-watkins/"

[dangerouskoalatrait]

Sims 4 Trait Ask

Found this tag @sorrowsims Thank You. I'm in the mood to type and thought this was perfect since I have a sims page.

Emotional words:

Active - If you had to choose only one sport for the rest of your life, what would it be? Color Guard/ Winter Guard.

Cheerful - Have you ever cried from happiness? If yes, why? Yes

Creative - What do you spend your creative energy on? Building in the sims or writing in my journal.

Genius - Favorite school subject? (or an old favorite) History.

Gloomy - What do you do when you’re sad? Sleep or watch something sad to just let it all out. 

Goofball - The funniest joke you’ve ever heard? I heard a joke today. What does the cell say when you step on its toe? Mitosis. 

Hot-headed - Favorite swear/bad word you use? The F Bomb

Romantic - Who was your longest lasting crush and why? My Lalo

Self-assured - What’s the bravest thing you’ve ever done? Got on an airplane which I said I would never do and I did it alone. 

Unflirty - If a person you’re not interested in had a crush on you, what would you do? Depends on why I'm not interested. Some could be deal breakers some could be me misjudging. Id be honest and open. 

Hobby:

Art Lover - Favorite form of art? Music.

Bookworm - Favorite book? Its always been Holes but it might now be The Handmaids Tale.

Foodie - Favorite food? Boneless Chicken.

Geek - Your favorite thing to do in the Sims 4? Age a child up into a teen see what they look like and give them a makeover. 

Music Lover - Your music genre? I really don't think I could choose cause I listen to everything.

Perfectionist - Biggest pet peeve? When people mouth the words that are coming out of my mouth.

Lifestyle:

Ambitious - Your biggest achievement? Until I graduate college its graduating from Highschool.

Cat Lover - Favorite cat breed? Cats aren't my favorite but a mixed breed is fine. 

Childish - Weird things you did as a child? I would lather my hands in Elmer's glue, let it dry and then peel it off. Weird right?

Clumsy - When was the last time you got physically hurt by your own clumsiness? Cant remember exactly but probably walked into an object. 

Dance Machine - What would you do at a party? lol see if there is free food.

Dog Lover - Favorite dog breed? My dog is an English Bull Terrier but I love scruffy haired mixed breed dogs. I absolutely love doggos. 

Glutton - Do you eat food after its Best before -date? If yes, which foods? I've eaten things years after it expired both by knowledge as well as surprise; candy and drinks mostly as long as they taste fine.

Insane - When was the last time you were afraid? Literally yesterday when a scary song played on an old musical show.

Kleptomaniac - Have you ever stolen anything, even something from your friends, partner or family? I know for sure I have stolen something at least once but cant remember it probably didn't end bad otherwise but Id never steal from my family or friends. 

Lazy - What’s the laziest thing you’ve done? Probably slept and stayed in bed for a ridiculous amount of time. I can take in some serious sleep hours. 

Loves Outdoors - How long can you last without going outside? I have to go outside everyday to let my dog out but I do recall a time when I thought to myself that I literally didn't leave the house for five days.

Materialistic - You get 100 dollars (or 94 euros or 74 pounds). How are you going to spend it? I would say I would save it but then probably end up spending it all in tiny increments. 

Neat - When was the last time you cleaned your room? I think five days ago. 

Slob - What was the longest time you’ve gone without showering? I could go three days at most. 

Snob - You have a new outfit you love but it doesn’t work with the weather. Would you rather change your outfit or handle the discomfort? Probably handle the discomfort depending on how extreme it would be. This is a hard question for me as I am a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl and I just always manage to grab a jacket. That's what I call readiness.

Squeamish - Something that makes you nauseous? I HATE STINKBUGS! Not all bugs can get to me just specifically stinkbugs they just get under my skin so bad!

Vegetarian - The last fruit/vegetable you ate? I had a bowl of spinach with my dinner. 

Social:

Bro - Who’s your best friend right now? My significant other.

Evil - What’s the worst thing you’ve done you don’t regret? I'm a nice person and therefore I end up not having any regrets. 

Family-oriented - Do you want children? Yes.

Good - What’s the sweetest thing someone has done for you? Loved me unconditionally. 

Hates Children - What’s the meanest thing you’ve said to a child? Not said because I keep my distance from children but probably continue to just stare at them when I catch them starting at me.

Insider - Have you ever spread a rumor? lol I consider this a rumor because she believed to be true it but I told my grandmother I was making the potato salad for Easter diner just to see what she would say. She can be picky and I thought she would never let me make it. I wanted her to just tell everyone that I made the potato salad for Easter dinner which happened to be April Fools day. At the end of it no one made the potato salad because she didn't know it was just a prank for everyone else to think I made what my grandmother would bring. Then everyone was upset with me because there was no potato salad at the dinner.

Jealous - To what ultimate point would you trust your partner? Not sure if I understand the question but I trust my partner especially until they give me a reason not to.

Loner - Your biggest social faux-pas? My biggest social fear? Probably for everyone around me somehow be able to see/know the weird but probably normal things I do when I am alone.

Mean - Have you been in a terrible friendship/relationship? Nope and hard to think this is possible; especially to say its terrible. Oh no once I do remember in elementary I had a “friend” in the neighborhood who would come over and always be so rude to me. Like yeah we weren't friends but she kept coming to my house.

Noncommittal - When is it appropriate to say “I love you”? Unsure.

Outgoing - How many friends have you had in your lifetime? Probably about a solid ten people who I made the best connections and lifelong memories with.