#ive been feeding myself since i was 7.

[swagging-back-to]

baffles me when people go "im hungry" then the other person gets up and retrieves them food.

[wygolvillage]

a new year's resolution

well, as of 2024 i’ve decided i will no longer be posting on tumblr... this shouldnt be the hugest surprise since ive been pretty critical of staff, the over-monetization of the website, the site culture, and the user experience for the past year and gradually reducing my time spent scrolling the ol’ dashboard- ive even mentioned my intent to eventually leave; well, that eventually is now! gradually ive found myself analyzing the effect that using tumblr for 7+ years has had on me, and the effects of social media in general.

ive never had to write a goodbye letter like this before. while ive joined and left several online platforms over the years, its always been a gradual fade in interest rather than a conscious decision to stop. never have i used a platform as long as ive used tumblr, over 1/3 of my life. ive grown up with tumblr, for better or worse. how do you write a goodbye for that? i guess ill have to try my best. because as important as tumblr was for me, ive recognized the way its hurt me too.

finding other avenues of online self-expression particularly has made me think a lot about this. when i edit my website i feel accomplished, happy, and content, feeling i have put something of myself out into the world, my seed to grow and garden to tend. when i scroll through tumblr i feel as if my brain is mostly idle, and when i do emotionally respond its often out of anger or annoyance, because anger = engagement and social media sites like tumblr WANT engagement. particularly because i have OCD ive found myself upset by certain aspects of tumblr discourse culture, as well- it is basically the Scrupulosity Website and much of the way i react to and interact with media has been colored by my years spent absorbing the viewpoints of said Scrupulosity Website! i even used to look up discourse topics on tumblr just to anger myself on purpose, which is a dangerous road to go down, to build up Enemies and Factions in your mind- this is how discourse culture works. the culture of tumblr teaches you to see the world in black and white, and to feel like youre always in danger of compromising your moral purity or being attacked by the morally impure. If You Don’t Reblog This You Are A Bad Person. even as someone who nowadays tries to stay away from discourse entirely, its still there in the back of my mind, because the way we interact on this website is colored by this. when im online i dont actually want to be angry all the time! in fact i like putting my effort towards more positive stuff. but additionally: tumblr made me unhappy but it also made me an addict

and yeah social media addiction sounds like a silly boomer thing to complain about but one thing i noticed when i started trying to curb my time spent on tumblr was that opening the site was damn near compulsive. we all know those “open tumblr, close tumblr, open tumblr again immediately after” memes but that did describe my behavior pretty accurately. the draw and allure of social media feeds is powerful, if i accidentally click the youtubes short tab ill find myself a half hour later scrolling through random shit i don't care about and asking well how the hell did i get here? i dont even like that stuff! tumblr is no different no matter how much the site tries to coast on the reputation of being the last social media that's a “remnant of the old web” and “has no algorithm”. i like my chronological dash but it is equally as addicting to scroll through the thousands of people ive followed over the years, as it is to scroll through the algorithmic feeds of youtube shorts, because that's just social media!

and kicking addiction is pretty damn hard. before 2023, i made two separate attempts at reducing my tumblr usage and both fell through within a week due to that addiction. for reference this current bought of thoughts about reducing my tumblr usage and making my online/irl balance more healthy, around the start of 2023 when i began working on my website and its taken me an entire year to wean myself off of the hellsite, bit by bit. theres a point where it stopped being a conscious act, and even as i was carefully whittling down how often i use tumblr with extensions like leechblock i still had that compulsion go off multiple times every day, its a really strange feeling. but now that ive found so many more ways to express myself online, i just feel more whole now... i guess what im saying is that when i post on tumblr my first instinct is to complain or wallow about something, when i post on my own handmade blog on my website i always want to talk about things that excite me or make me happy! and its been such a tangible change in the way i think and act and im certain its because of the way social media and tumblr have their own “societal expectations” and structure that is built to feed on this negativity loop.

and a lot of the biggest shifts happened when i began immersing myself in the ideals of the web revival, while creating my own website. finding things that genuinely interested me and niches i want to occupy made me so much happier. i know we make a lot of jokes about having mutuals we never talk to that mean the world to us and i do think that is indicative of something. like, when i post on a forum full of strangers i am engaging with more “face to face” (or the digital equivalent) communication than i do with years-long mutuals. how genuine are these connections, this dashboard, the enjoyment i got from that meme post ill forget in 10 minutes? (not to say that i don’t genuinely care abt my followers and mutuals. ykwim?) i can still get all the things i enjoy out of tumblr in a more curated form via rss feeds; ive been so much more proud of what i post and create and code on my website. what am i here for? i gradually realized that i am losing absolutely nothing when i “miss out” or block tumblr on my phone or what have you.

since starting working on my neocities site ive felt so much creative drive. ive created whole interactive essays and worlds and games and writings and so many things i could never host on social media. my website is a place of my very own, and ive been learning the value of focusing on what i put out into the net compared to what i take from it. its made me feel so much more fulfilled when i spend time online.

and let's not forget about staff. i have broader issues with how automattic in particular has gone about running the site. the ads only took up more and more of the dashboard, and every month it felt like there was some new paid feature doomed to never take off. all while the user experience gradually degraded. using the site without browser extensions to fix the ui and block the ads and tumblr live and all the other shit they threw all over the place makes it look like its ridden with viruses, and i think the fact that its become so normalized to feel like we have to stay in spaces that become increasingly hostile to us, even while the internet is so vast, is really strange (i mean, i also thought that way at first). but Anyway. so much time and effort was spent on features no one liked or wanted in some desperate attempt to get a little extra money, while staff members get in public fights with users who complain about getting monetization shoved down their throat. its so openly pathetic. the merch store had mostly mediocre designs and the digital tumblrmart is absolutely full of useless digital goods with free alternatives. considering this is a userbase that gladly donates to other sites donation drives for hosting costs (i.e. ao3, wikipedia, internet archive), i am shocked that staff never considered the obvious answer of a fucking donation drive once a year or so! the ceo telling people with concerns about the ads being unsafe for epilepsy to “just pay the ad free subscription” is one of the most disgusting things ive ever heard from someone officially representing such a platform. do not be fooled by the reputation tumblr has cultivated: all that it cares about is making money from you. tumblr is “in danger” because it can't turn a profit- because a profit is all they care about!

so why stay here when im happier elsewhere, apart from the addictive compulsion? that's what ive been thinking through for nearly a year, realizing that i have no reason to, and that weaning myself off of the addiction is in my best interest. i can create and blog and have fun online and connect with others and follow other peoples work all without the need for tumblr anymore! and i think id be all the healthier for it.

over the past year ive truly fallen in love with the internet again and ive loved putting myself out there, unrestrained in ways i havent felt since i was very young. but nonetheless ive learned a lot on tumblr, ive had some of the worst and best experiences of my online life, and i dont doubt that i would be a much different person if i had never been a tumblr user for as long as i was. but i had to break out of this shell eventually.

i keep going over this wondering how i can express every feeling in my head, how i can word everything just a little better, how i can make the perfect goodbye. but i think this will have to suffice.

you can still keep up with me online here:

-explore my website: i keep it consistently updated and im always adding new things and writing new posts on my blog! you can even speak to me directly on the site! if you sign my guestbook or use my chatbox ill try to respond :) if theres anything on this list you do id like it to be this one! i worked hard on it! you can even send me chat messages on my homepage! just keep in mind it may not display everything right on most mobile browsers, but it should be mostly navigable...

you can also subscribe to my rss feed. if you don't know what rss is, it allows you to use a feed reader to keep up with updates from sites all over the internet! my rss feed will notify you whenever ive made a new post on my blog or made an interesting edit on my site id like you to take a peek at :0 convenient, right?

you can also email me at wygolvillage@gmail.com to message me directly. if you prefer im also “wygolvillage” on discord

thank you and happy new years :) thanks for seeing me off as i sail to a new sunrise <3

[feederandfeedee]

GET TO KNOW US ✨ & FAQ

🧔🏽‍♂️Feeder: R, 28yo, California native and Feeder.

👩🏽 Feedee: Wilson, 26yo, Texas native and Feedee.

Met online, here on Tumblr in 2014 and been in a fat and happy feederistic relationship ever since 💗

(click on the underlined title to visit each website)

✨ Onlyfans: Here you can find our largest selection of images, videos and full length clips! New posts every single day! Feeding, eating, funnel, collabs, sex, masturbation, nudity etc & most of all lots of feedism content!

✨ Curvage: My official curvage page! Visit my gallery, forum page and browse 100s of safe-for-work clips!

✨ ManyVids & Clips4Sale: NSFW clipstores where you can purchase sfw & nsfw full length clips!

✨ SextPanther: Is it fat chat you seek? Click here to get access to instant messaging with Wilson 24/7 (almost). Fat chat, sexting, video chat, picture exchange, video exchange and even female feeder services available! *Messages we receive through social media don’t always get responses*

✨ Custom Requests: Do you have any fantasies you’d like me to make come to life? Want to see me do something specific or special that you may not find in my other videos? Place a custom request for a video here! Turn around is about a week and I offer competitive prices!

✨ Where else can you find me? Reddit has some nsfw photos sprinkled in here and there but I don’t post as often! I post on Instagram pretty frequently and you can always find me making stories about my day-to-day activities and food! Twitter has some really juicy content and previews to most of my clips! I’m almost always on Feabie interacting with the community!

———————————✨ F A Q ✨ ——————————

* I get a lot of the same repeat questions in my ask box and inbox so I’ve compiled a list of those questions and answered them here! Other questions and answers submitted by followers can be accessed by locking #askfeed at the bottom of this post*

What is your starting weight? 150lbs

When did you find out you were into Feedism? Ive always known since I was a kid that my attitude towards “getting fat” and “being fat” were different than the attitudes of people around me.

Current weight? My current weight is visible in weigh in and measurement clips available on all my paid sites!

Do you have a goal weight? Nope! I try not to focus on a number or a destination and enjoy the ride! Feedism for me is about eating, enjoying myself and freedom- not about goals and timelines!

Any bbw/ssbbw idols? I find beauty in lots of individuals online and in person! I see inspiration in everyone but I try not to compare myself to others! So yes and no but I do like to keep a few things to myself!

Are you a feeder or mutual gainer? Short answer: No. long answer: Being a feeder or a mutual gainer is definitely not something I identify with in my personal life. Neither are words that I would use to describe myself. That being said, over the years I’ve been approached by a few individuals requesting female feeder content and encouragement. And I love doing it! The best thing about being a feedee and taking on the role of feeder is the fact that I can tell you exactly what you need to hear to feel turned on and encouraged. That’s because I know exactly what it is that feedee’s love to hear! I get a lot of happiness from encouraging men to eat and become fatter and have successfully porked up a few chubsters. But that happiness comes from the joy I give my feedees by making them feel pleasured. I love doing it and I treat encouraging men to grow as a little hobby of mine. At the end of the day and after all those sessions and conversations, I’m happy to put the phone down and take my rightful place in my personal relationship as feedee.

Didn’t find an answer to your question? Send me an ask, anonymous or not, and I’ll get to it as quickly as I can! Or search through previously asked questions by clicking on the #askfeed at the bottom of this post- your question may have been asked recently! And if I don’t get to your question, don’t be offended! I get a lot of questions but I try to answer them all eventually!

[brynnterpretations]

see youve been doing a lotta theboys ship reqs recently HUGE kudos to u got damn, and i love how u write them sm !! hope u dont mind one more ^^ (fine w p much anyone except homelander or deep)

im an anxiety-ridden autistic bi british tguy with a pretty hefty male lean, 5'6"-ish, long hair thats shaved on one side , lotsa face piercings , pretty hairy , scruffy jaw , got a "would be a bear if i hit the gym more often" kinda build . i wear shades 24/7 bc i hate eye contact and bright lights . i generally dont bother picking out an outfit but when i do i lean towards a kinda 50s greaser vibe even tho i dont have a bike or anything

im a recluse and not particularly social , i end most conversations quickly but politely tho i dont let myself get walked over . i do like going for walks , particularly walking my cat , or otherwise hauling something around , its a good workout , but most of the time im indoors and just drawing/animating (what im attending uni for) or playing games . i prefer talking online to in person cause of low social battery , even for family n close friends .

im insecure but otherwise i think j have pretty good self-esteem , and tho im not diagnosed im like 95% sure ive got covert narcissism , i see most people as below me in some way but i dont express this obviously . a lack of attention , particularly online , is distressing and upsetting , and i get defensive very easy . i THRIVE on the feeling of caring for or protecting someone both bc it feeds this and is the only time i can power through my social anxiety .

uhhh cat lover , marine life lover , would spend the rest of my life in an aquarium , would rather be a shark than a human , dont like getting dressed if i dont have to , nail biter , dragon fanatic , would probably be a supe given the chance

hope thats not too much , and thank you !

Thank you so much for the kind words! I hope you like this. ♡

I ship you with...

Frenchie ♡

Boyfriend

GIF Source: @samuelroukin ★ (link)

You and Frenchie meet while you're walking your cat. Frenchie is a huge cat guy (I will die on this hill), and though he hasn't had any of his own since his early twenties, he still makes it his mission to interact with them as much as he can. Cat on the street? Gets pet. Cat in those windows of veterinary offices that you can walk into if you don't seem too shady? Gets pet. Cat in a house the coup is raiding? Gets pet, and moved to a safer location.

So, when he sees your cat being walked, the dude has to go over. Plus, not gonna lie, even in NYC, it's pretty uncommon to see cats being walked, especially down the street that the boys' hideout is located on.

He uses small talk to warm up the awkwardness that comes with a random French man coming up on the street to pet your cat, and eventually asks if you'd ever want to go on a walk sometime. While he initially had his eyes set on your cat, when the guy looked up at you, he immediately saw that you're really, really cute. He has a weakness for facial piercings and for general "scruffiness", so add that on to the cat and the general reservedness? Bro's set.

Through that, you start hanging out a lot and getting to know each other. Frenchie's not a texting person, so you two tend to call a lot, and have a lot of cute but low-key dates, like cooking meals for you at his apartment and playing video games.

And, on that note: Frenchie absolutely sucks at video games, but he has fun playing them with you. While Frenchie is very spatially aware in real life, he is not in online games — bro would get absolutely flamed in any CoD lobby — but would have a blast going through your video game of choice by your side.

You would have to help him with the controls... a lot... but it would be worth it.

Frenchie doesn't really believe in "rushing in" or "waiting too long"; he just makes it official once he feels like it's right. After 2 – 3 months with you, he'd ask if you'd like to be together upfront.

And, once you are: you two would be very, very happy together.

Frenchie's a very intuitive person, and while he wouldn't make any assumptions considering your diagnoses/suspected conditions (he's not about that life), he would catch on to your need for attention and care.

Since he's not really a texter, he'd either call you or send you voice notes to say good morning, good night, tell you about something that reminded him of you, etc.

Is your #1 fan concerning your art, and is endlessly in awe of what you do. He would constantly show your work off to the coup, and would definitely commission you for artwork when your schoolwork slowed down (no, he won't accept free shit, he will commission you, point-blank).

Considering Frenchie's been through a lot, you being a caring person and a "protector" would do wonders for the relationship. While Frenchie's a protective guy himself, the dude wants some time to slow down and be taken care of, and would love anything you did for him and reciprocate it completely.

Is a huge physical touch guy, and as long as you were fine with it, would always have an arm around you, his hand in yours, etc.

Also would definitely love to be the little spoon with you, especially because you're very close in height (he's about 5'8).

Is a big gift-giver, and would always purchase anything he saw that reminded him of you, whether it's a shark stuffed animal, or one of those seashell necklaces that street vendors sell.

Also, he's a bit freaked out about marine life — the vastness of the ocean really, really freaks him out, partially because of a near-drowning accident he had as a kid — but would always go to aquariums with you and try to find aquatic spaces to do stuff.

He would do the ocean, but as much as he loves you, he's probably gonna try limiting that to special occasions.

Would 100% spoil your cat, and if you were up for it, adopt one for you two to co-parent.

Also doesn't have many reservations about moving in "early" — again, timestamps aren't really too important to him — and would especially encourage it if it helped any student finances.

On that note, the guy cannot do structured and organized learning, so he would always brag about your postsecondary education and do everything to encourage you, whether it's bringing you your favorite snacks while working on end-of-the-year projects or rubbing your hands and back after finishing an art piece.

He wouldn't hide his work with the Boys from you, and honestly, would encourage you to get involved, particularly through artwork — anti-Supe propaganda, especially aesthetic pleasing ones, have been lacking nowadays. He'd be open about his work and introduce you to the boys before you became official.

And that brings us to...

The Boys ☻

Friends

GIF Source: @yocalio ★ (link)

So, it's corny... but you and Butcher definitely both bond over both being British/from the U.K. You're one of very few people who were able to immediately understand both his accident and what he was referring to in British slang upon first meeting.

Plus, the guy likes you, even if he doesn't talk to you much. He respects reserved types a lot, and appreciates you leveling out Frenchie's chaos instead of blowing it up (...most of the time).

He wouldn't make an effort to get super close to you — let's be real, he's got a lot of shit to deal with — but would probably invite you out for drinks every once in a while.

A dealbreaker for Frenchie is whether you get along with Kimiko, and fortunately, you two do. While you're not extremely close — you're both pretty introverted, and Kimiko never wants to feel like she's prying — Kimiko really, really likes you, especially when she sees you drawing. She's quite the artist herself, and is fascinated by not only your amazing work, but by the fact you're going to college for it.

Whenever you stop by the hideout, she wouldn't communicate with you much, instead opting to just enjoy your company in silence.

And, if you bring art supplies, she would be so down to parallel-play with you and her drawing side-by-side. While she's not academically trained, she is extremely good at drawing landscapes, and would be very intrigued by your art, as mentioned.

Also would draw you as a present, which would be very cute, even if not fully anatomically correct.

M.M. would like you a lot — he vibes with the shades the first time he sees you — and I feel like you two would be the closest out of the coup. While him encouraging you to would be a bit... annoying... the guy really enjoys your company, and would bond over your shared love of cats.

Would also ask you a lot of questions about cats, because his cat is getting a bit too pudgy and might need to take some strolls downtown.

While you'd be close, he wouldn't ask to hang out with you too much outside of the coup, instead having most of your fun during late nights, considering he's so busy; he'd probably order a pizza for you, Frenchie, and Kimiko and talk with you, and play video games on the very rusty-crusty-dusty XBox that they got to placate Hughie.

Also: he's killer at FPS games, and if you play one with him, y'all will immediately become best friends.

Hughie, Annie, and you wouldn't be super close, but you wouldn't be on bad terms either.

Hughie, quite honestly, would be intimidated; as a ball of social anxiety who tends to seek out more talkative types (E.G. Robin and Annie), he tends to overthink with more quiet people who are less easy to read, and your shades can make it pretty hard for him.

However, your art would definitely lead him to talk to you more (albeitly awkwardly and only in passing), and, if you or Frenchie mention that you play video games... he would try engaging in a yap session with you.

Yes, yes, it's not a stereotypical, "cool guy" game, but Hughie is a huge fan of Minecraft — he's an excellent architect and has actually made tons of custom maps for people to download — so if you play either (or you don't give him a hard time about it), he'd open up to you a lot more.

As for Annie, she just... can't really get a vibe on you. She thinks you're a pleasant person and respects you (she has a lot of admiration for people who go into the arts), but she's someone who believes to be able to "vibe-check" people pretty easily, and because she can't on you, doesn't really know where to go from there.

She wouldn't want to pry, so she wouldn't push you to open up yourself, but if she got more glimmers of you — whether it's through overseeing you and Kimiko drawing, or catching you and M.M. playing on the XBox — she'd spark up a lot more conversations with you.

[menalez]

It annoys me to the core how western movements took liberty of appropriating the word "caucasian" for their own vocab as if it was lying around before, meaningless and unused. im a caucasian woman a.k.a a woman born in Dagestan, Caucasus region. i grew up in rural area, with my deeply religious, muslim grandparents( &with all the "percs" that come with it), bc my mom was working her ass off as a nurse 24/7 to feed us, and my dad was prosecuted for being a political activist and couldn't find any job. Eventually, we had to flee our home bc the pressure for my family's political position and ethnicity was immense and honestly hard to bare.

Now, the topic of russian colonisation of Caucasus was somewhat clear before, i could talk in length on it, esp since have a major in history. But now that "caucasian" was rebranded as a new name for white people in the US, i found myself striped of a basic language to describe oppression of my people.

At first, i thought it was only a US-ian quirk, but as i studied in Germany, i had to repeatedly defend my stance on using "caucasian" to name my ethnicity bc profs were arguing that the term is too broad and ambiguous and i should choose another word/title etc. I had to argue with my coursemates a lot bc we essentially misunderstand eachother when i say smth like "the oppression of caucasian people". People online call me racist for calling out this practice.

Honestly, sometimes i lose hope. Everyone see the effects of imperialism and colonization when it's time to point at US ro Canada or UK w/e, but not when it's russian empire/ussr/russian federation. What's more, ru's imperialism is overlooked and enabled. It's always "oh, not all russians" but even ru leftists are imperialists, even ru feminists are imperialists. Tell them not to call caucasians racial and ethnic slurs and mention the possibility of your region gaining independence, and they'll have a meltdown.

Anyways, thanks for reading this. i really didn't mean to vent this much, but as an exmuslim lesbian, i found your blog really compelling. l appreciate your active position and calling out racist and lesbophobes.

i would say it’s not western movements necessarily unless u count those western people that invented the terms for different races to be that,, but ive seen many ppl from the caucus region complain about this too. i wouldn’t say its a new thing either, they’ve been using caucasian to mean white people for quite some time as it was a part of race science. at the same time they called black ppl and asians “negroid” & “mongoloid” respectively, which is now deemed racist for obvious reasons. “mongoloid” probably related to mongols specifically too which makes it confusing. whereas “caucasian” was used to mean basically everyone else. interestingly they didn’t invent the term “europoid” for example so they intentionally made it a broad term & named it after the caucus region bc they deemed ppl from there the mist beautiful and thus the same as europeans.

i feel u tho, ignoring that russia also colonised many countries is unfortunately common & it sucks theres no term that clearly refers to ppl from the caucus bc europeans appropriated caucasian to apply to themselves

[lilac-melody]

Fantasia LOVE&KISS Novel Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I’m not a professional translator

Masterlist here

🎤

After rehearsals, Aizou visited the live house that Iv rented. In between their busy schedules, Aizou and Iv make time for singing lessons. What they do was always the same: Aizou sang on stage, and Iv listened to him from the other end of the venue.

It was a repetitive process. After the two-hour lesson, Aizou sat down on the chair that Iv had brought out for him.

“I think you've got a better voice now than you did at first,” Iv made coffee for two and offered him a cup.

“You think so?” Aizou asked, glancing up at him. “I didn’t realize it myself, but I feel like I can hit pitches that I couldn’t, before. I felt like I was being tuned.” He chuckled and raised the coffee to his lips.

Iv leaned against his desk with a small laugh. “Just a little longer...” He muttered to himself.

Immediately, Aizou thought that he wouldn’t be able to do it.

“You should have more confidence, Aizou. You should realize by now that you have more potential than you think.”

“I’m not sure about that...Yui also told me that I can do things that I don’t seem to be able to do...I wonder if that’s how people see me?”

“Is it possible that, from their perspective, you can do more?”

“I think that you think too highly of me.”

“You think so?” Iv looked at him with a small smile.

“I can’t do many thing...” The words unlike Yujiro nearly escaped his lips, but he swallowed them back along with the coffee that Iv made.

“This is serious, then,” Iv muttered and sighed, “does this mean that we chose you at the auditions because we think too highly of you?”

Aizou, who was about to bring his cup to his lips again, froze.

“At that time, there was only one person who should have been accepted. One of the two finalists was supposed to be chosen. But we chose both of you. It wasn’t just Yujiro.”

“Iv...”

Iv smiled at him and patted his shoulder. “So prove to me that our decision was the right one, okay?”

(I’m not even sure what you saw in me...)

_

When Aizou returned home, he turned on the light and collapsed onto the couch in the living room. The door soon opened and his brother came in while holding Kuro. Since he was the one in charge, he should be the one feeding her. His brother went to the kitchen and shuffled through the fridge.

“Hm...we don’t really have anything. Hey, you want some sushi? Your treat, of course~”

(I don’t give a shit!)

Aizou frowned and ignored his brother, standing up and grabbing his bag. He walked over to his room before pausing halfway. “...Hey...” He spoke up.

Ken, who was going through the cupboards to look for a cup of noodles, glanced at him.

“...Was...was I a decent singer, back in elementary school..?”

When he asked in a hushed voice, his brother rolled his eyes and looked at Kuro. Kuro, who had been curled up cozily in his brother's arms, purred affectionately.

When Aizou was in elementary school, he used to sing all the time. In music class, the teacher praised him a lot. His mother entered him in a singing competition because hiss teacher suggested that he should try it.

Most of the children who enter competitions are those who take singing lessons or are members of some choir.

How could he, who was not under the guidance of a teacher, win the competition? Was it just luck? My brother thought for a moment and then turned his head.

“Well?”

Asking him was a waste of time. Aizou sighed.

“I don’t know if you were really all that good, but I know that you were always singing,” Ken finally said, putting a kettle on the stove and waiting for the water to boil. “...Do you want a bowl of katsudon?”

(I really don’t give a shit!)

Aizou stormed inside of his room and slammed his door shut instead of replying.

He began to study his math reference book and textbooks, when he suddenly heard Kuro’s mewls.

It had been about two hours since he had locked himself in his room. It was past eleven o'clock by the time he looked at his watch.

(Come to think of it, I haven’t eaten dinner yet...)

He got up and came out of his room, finding Kuro sitting on the floor. His brother was nowhere to be found, so he must have gone out somewhere. 

(Dammit, if you’re not going to be home, at least turn off the lights!)

He didn’t have any time for grocery shopping, so he didn’t have any ingredients to make anything. Hopefully, though, there was one more cup of noodles left in one of the cupboards, unless Ken got to it first and ate it. Aizou headed to the kitchen, hoping to find it.

He stopped partway there, spotting the cup of noodles on the table. On top of it was a sticky note with the words “you can have it” on it.

He must have gone out to a convenience store or went to a small restaurant.

Underneath the noodles was a DVD case. Aizou picked it up and found that it was a DVD of the competition in which he had participated.

“I didn’t know we still had this...” Aizou muttered.

He sat on the couch in the living room, staring blankly at the images of the competition on the TV.

Kuro, who had climbed into his lap, yawned as if she were completely bored and became engrossed in grooming her fur.

When his name was called on the DVD, his elementary school self, hand outstretched, walked out from the side of the stage. It was obvious to anyone watching that he was completely nervous.

He bowed his head and began to sing to the accompaniment of the piano. When it was over, there was a huge round of applause. No matter how many times he saw it, he couldn't really feel it. Even if he was told that this was him, it didn't feel right.

He could not feel the excitement and elation that he should have felt at that time in this video.

Was it always like this?

He thought he could have sung a little better than he did in his memory of that time. It was shortly before his parents divorced that he stopped being able to sing.

It was the day he was returning from an annual festival at a nearby shrine with his brother. They bought masks from a stall while they walked up to the shrine, and he played target practice with his brother, ate hot grilled corn, and bought candy apples as a souvenir for his mother, who was waiting at home.

His brother had laughed at him and said, "if it's mother, she'd rather have fried squid," but he thought she would definitely be more pleased with the candy apples than the fried squid.

He had spent all of his allowance, and it suddenly started to rain, so he put up an umbrella and hurried home. He was walking in front of the station when his brother suddenly stopped. Aizou called out to him, but he did not move, so he looked in the direction of the station to see what was wrong.

Their father was holding a woman he did not know on the shoulder as if she was his girlfriend. At home, he was always fighting with their mother and was always in a bad mood. Their father wore a smile that he never showed them at home when he was with that woman.

“Eh...why..?” His voice leaked out.

“Dad...he said he was working late today...”

Aizou hadn’t understood at the time. Their father didn’t notice that they were there. He didn’t notice, because he was going somewhere with a woman, and they were getting into a cab together.

Aizou had tried to stop him as quickly as he could, but his brother grabbed his arm and pulled him back painfully hard. He turned around in surprise and his eyes were covered by his brother, who reached out from behind him.

“Why...”

“You don’t need to know,” was all his brother said. “If you don’t see it, if you don’t hear it and you just keep smiling, then maybe you’ll forget all about this.” With that, his brother slowly removed his hand.

By then, his father and the woman were already gone, and his brother wore a stiff smile on his face.

“Let’s go home...mom’s waiting for us.”

“Yeah...”

It was not long after that that their father left them. Aizou hoped that singing would cheer up his mother, who cried every day, and make her smile again. However, it seemed to be only grating on his mother's ears.

“You’re too noisy, stop singing!”

He was shocked by what he was told, and he found himself unable to sing. He could talk, but when he tried to sing, he felt as though he couldn't breathe, as if he were drowning under water.

His singing voice was gone, and he was sure that was his punishment.

💮

As the performance date neared, the number of magazine interviews and appearances at events increased. He was reminded that the day of the performance was only about two weeks away, and he became more and more nervous by the day.

In the midst of all this, a rehearsal was held in which they actually put on their costumes and used props.

Yujiro stepped out in front of Rino, who played the role of the princess, as she entered the scene where he has a direct confrontation with the princess, who was being controlled by the dragon.

Okido, the director, called Yujiro and Rino together and repeatedly instructed them on this important scene.

“If you want us to beg for forgiveness, I can do so.”

“Oi!” Aizou protested angrily, his hand on his rapier. But Yujiro held an arm out to intercept him. He left his bow in Aizou’s hands and walked to the princess, holding the rose sword.

“…It’s a small price to pay to save her life. We don’t want to waste it either.”

“Ho. You’re so much more understanding than that idiot over there.”

“And of course, I will give you back this sword. It belonged to your father. It is not ours to keep.”

The guards tried to stop him, but backed down at the princess’s command.

“I hope you can forgive our insolent behavior,” Yujiro got down on one knee. He picked up the foot of the princess and brought his lips to the toe of her shoe, before his gaze suddenly snapped to the princess’s.

The actors and crew members watching around them watched the tense performance with bated breath. Rino, too, was a completely different person from her usual calm and collected self, completely inhabiting the role of the princess who had been manipulated by a dragon.

It was as if the two were showing everyone just how good their acting skills were.

The director, Okido, kept his hand on his chin and did not take his eyes off the two performers. A small, satisfied smile crossed his face, as if he were saying “this is what I wanted to see.”

“But...I refuse to be loyal to you. When I am finished here, I fully intend to leave this castle. However, before I do, I want the reward I was promised for fulfilling my end of the deal!”

Yujiro’s strong tone echoed throughout the rehearsal room, and it gave Aizou gooesbumps. Involuntarily, his grip on the hilt of his rapier tightened.

(He’s come so far and we’re almost finished...)

From the first reading of the script, Yujiro's voice inflections, pauses, and the tempo of his dialogues were so good that it was hard to believe that it was his first time on stage, but it was a far cry from the days when he was a newcomer.

His dialogue and movements had changed dramatically. When rehearsing in this way, Yujiro's acting pulled him in and he almost forgot that he was on the stage as well.

It was as if he was really in “the other world” and he sometimes found himself arguing with him in earnest. What he was playing now was not the partner he knew. It is not Yujiro of LIPxLIP.

This was Someya Yujiro, who had been unable to perform on stage as an actor for a long time, but has continued to dream of being on stage, and had continued to practice and work hard alone in the shadows.

Everyone present, including the staff, was watching him intently. No doubt, it would be the same on the stage.

He was going to stand on the same stage with Yujiro and perform as an equal.

He felt like he was suddenly being reminded of how absurd that was, and he started to break out in a cold sweat.

Aizou gripped his arm tightly with his hand. He knew how much Yujiro cherished LIPxLIP as a unit and how big his dreams were for it, and how much he was always trying to protect them with everything he had.

That was probably the reason why he had clashed with Okido. The magnitude of the feelings he held was the same for him.

In order to make his dream come true, he chose Yujiro as his partner in order to keep standing on the stage he had set out to reach. Together, they could see places and see worlds that he could never reach on his own. He believed that they could show that world to the many fans who followed them.

And yet...he thought they were always fighting, but when did they start to lean on each other so much? They’d been telling each other that they were dragging each other down.

After a fifteen-minute break, Yujiro returned to his chair, grabbed his towel, and wiped the sweat off his face. Aizou watched him from a distance.

(...He’ll end up carrying my baggage as well...)

If they were going to stand on the same stage together, there were things they had to overcome.

Yujiro suddenly turned to him. When their eyes met, a puzzled expression crossed his face.

Aizou discreetly clenched his fists at his sides.

(I have to overcome Yujiro...)

How could he have forgotten that? The wall that had been standing in front of him since that day at the audition had always been there.

Aizou turned his head away, his lips pursed in a pout, and strode swiftly out of the practice room.

He needed to be able to lighten Yujiro's burden. He couldn’t leave his own luggage with his partner and make him do all the work.

He refused to let him do that.

💮

Aizou stood at the center of the stage in the venue that Iv rented, and he closed his eyes. He began singing, which Iv listened to, leaning against the railing in the back of the room.

When he finished, Iv gave him a rare round of applause. He started walking over, and Aizou walked down the steps of the stage.

“That was perfect. This concludes our lessons- the rest is up to you now.”

“Thank you!” Aizou bowed. Ever since he had started taking lessons with Iv, Ikezaki had praised him, saying that his pitch had become more stable and his voice had improved. With this, he would be able to perform in the show. “It’s all thanks to you...I’ll definitely send you tickets so that you all can come see the show.”

“I don’t know if you want those guys over to watch the show, I doubt they’ll be able to sit still and watch it quietly,” Iv said, his brows furrowing in worry.

Aizou laughed. “Maybe so, but...I’m indebted to all of you. Oh, I’ve been declining Yui’s invites to ramen lately, so tell him I’ll definitely go next time!”

“Only if it’s a place where the ramen isn’t spicy and just tastes good, right?” Iv smirked lightly.

“Yes, please...” Aizou replied, and Iv laughed warmly.

“The performance is coming up. How’re you feeling?”

“I don’t know...but I just have to give it everything I got.”

He was sure that there were a lot of things he was missing. He would be lying if he said he wasn't anxious about how the audience would feel, but he had no choice but to believe in what he worked so hard to achieve over the past few months and show it on stage.

Even if he failed, even if people laughed at him, he knew that this was all he had right now.

“Right...and I think I’d be happy to go, and take my boys along with me.”

Aizou nodded.

“Oh, and, Aizou,” Iv looked like he was just remembering something. “You said before that you can’t do a lot of things, right? But you should appreciate what you have more. You can do a lot more than you think you can, and a lot of people really love you.”

Aizou stared at him in confusion.

Iv laughed at him. “You really don’t get it. One day, you’ll realize what you took for granted was a special gift given to you. So until then, keep what I said in mind,” he patted Aizou’s shoulder and grinned at him.

(A special gift given to...me...)

🎤

A rehearsal was held in the venue that the play was going to be held in.It was the final rehearsal, all of which would be performed as on the day of the performance.

As Aizou headed out onto the stage, all ready to go, clad with his makeup and costumes on, his other costars were gathering one after the other.

Aizou watched as the crew busily moved in and out of the stage, waiting out of the way offstage. The big props had already been placed on the stage. The round lights on the ceiling were flashing with red and blue lights, as if they were making final checks on the lighting.

The curtain was up, so he was able to see the audience seats lined up almost like a staircase. He was getting really nervous.

“Aizou-kun...” A shy voice called out.

Aizou turned and saw Rino, standing there wearing her own makeup and white dress costume. Her hair was done up as well, with a golden tiara on top of her head.

“Inokawa-san...”

“It always makes me nervous,” Inokawa Rino stood by him, staring at the audience seats with sparkling eyes.

“Even you get nervous, even though you’re used to this kind of stage?” Aizou asked, surprised.

“I do! The anxiety never truly goes away, but...it always makes me happy being able to stand on stage,” Rino explained, then smiled. “But...this is all thanks to you. You’re really amazing, you know?”

“Ehh, you’re more impressive than I am, though...”

��I love actng, and I’ve been doing it since I was a little girl, that’s all.”

(That’s still impressive, though.)

Aizou listened as she continued to talk.

“I know Aoi-chan didn’t want to be in this play...but I did, and I ended up pushing her too much...I felt horrible about it. But after your ad lib that day, she started having more fun during rehearsals. And it’s no thanks to me...it’s thanks to you. It's not only Aoi-chan. I’ve also really enjoyed the rehearsals since then. I think the same goes for the staff and everyone else. The atmosphere at the site has become better and brighter. I think Okido-san feels the same way.”

“Eh, the director?” Aizou blinked.

“Yeah, he seemed to be having a good time, didn’t he?” Rino laughed.

“Well...the first time I met him, I thought he was pretty harsh,” Aizou said, putting a hand on the back of his head.

He was as strict as ever, but he laughed at a few ad libs Aizou did, and he even changed the direction of how some scenes went to fit in with the ad libs.

“Yujiro-kun’s been the same. He was so tense at first, but even he seems to be a bit more relaxed.” And if she was saying that after rehearsing with him, it must be true.

(I had no idea...)

Though he did notice that Yujiro no longer had grim or frustrated expressions during rehearsals, probably thanks to the fact he no longer clashed with Okido.

“What you did was amazing. You’ve moved so many people.”

“Ah...I really didn’t do much,” Aizou said with a wry smile.

Rino only smiled and put a small bag in Aizou’s hand. The contents of the transparent bag were lemon-colored candies.

The color and shape of the candy resembled the legendary jewel that Aizou would obtain after defeating the dragon.

“Let me bestow upon you, brave traveler, our country’s famous Mystery Jewel Candy!” Rino said in a theatrical tone, before laughing. “Let’s do our best!” She ran off.

(Mystery jewel candy..?)

Aizou glanced at the bag and sighed, a small smile crossing his face.

Rino caught up with Aoi, who realized that Aizou was glancing over at her. She raised a fist, as if to say “let’s do our best!”. 

Aizou held up a fist in response.

Rino giggled a little at the exchange and Aoi quickly lowered her fist with a pout, and the two girls rushed off while giggling, clearly enjoying themselves.

(They really do seem like close friends.)

As he watched them leave, Yujiro came out in his costume, greeting the staff.

“Aizou, Yujiro!” Manager Uchida waved to them to come backstage. Aizou suppressed a sigh and walked over.

“...What are you holding?” Yujiro asked.

Aizou held up the bag of yellow candy. “It was given to me by the princess herself. Amazing, huh? I think they’re going to be sold at the booth tomorrow for the performance.”

 “What is this? Or, rather, when did it even become part of the merch?” Yujiro frowned.

Suddenly, the bag was snatched out of his hand. “Ah?!”

“I think I’ll take it, since you don’t like sweets!”

Aizou only sighed in exasperation. “I really can’t let my guard down around you, huh.” It was stupid of him to show sweets to the local sweet-tooth.

After they received their rapier and bow from Manager Uchida, a staff member called out to them. “Rehearsals will start in fifteen minutes!”

“Good luck to you both!” Manager Uchida smiled.

“Yes!” Both Aizou and Yujiro replied. They shared a look, before bumping their fists together, just like they always did before a live show.

💮

Moonlight shined through the crumbling ceiling of the dimly lit, abandoned cathedral. This was the scene where Aizou and Yujiro, surrounded by the guards, quickly pretend to be traveling performers to escape.

Yujiro raised a chair that had collapsed in front of the organ and sat down.

“...I’ve never sung in front of people before!” Aizou rushed to Yujiro, whispering his complaint.

“I haven’t either.”

“I don’t know any song! No hometown ones or lullabies- nothing!”

“Then just sing something random. I’ll accompany you.”

“Don’t be reckless. There’s no way we can match a song out of the blue!”

Yujiro grabbed his shirt and pulled him closer to him. “You can either sing recklessly or get caught and thrown in jail!”

Aizou pushed Yujiro’s hand off of him. “Don’t complain if I mess up!” He faced the guards.

“Well? We’re waiting!” The guards comments started flying in, and Aizou’s heart pounded as if it were a real performance.

“Sing louder!”

Listening to the taunting voices of the guards, Aizou took a deep breath. If he faltered here, the whole scene would be ruined. He knew this song by now, he’d practiced it many times with Iv. Yujiro started to play the organ, the sound filling the venue. At the sound, Aizou looked up. It felt as though he’d been patted on the back.

(Really, the role...I’m ready for it...)

He had to pretend to improvise a song while pretending to be a traveling performer. It really was a reckless idea- but when the organ started playing, he started singing, his voice spreading throughout the venue.

(Huh..?)

Aizou, who had been singing slowly with his eyes downcast, opened his eyes in confusion. The light of a blue-white light, which looked like moonlight, was shining from above. When he sang in his lessons with Iv, he didn't use a microphone.

Even though the microphone was picking up his singing voice properly this time, he was surprised at how much it sounded. It was totally different from his usual live performances. The resonance of the deep organ played by Yujiro combined with his singing voice spread out to envelop the entire venue. It felt good and made him want to raise his voice even more.

(I’m...doing really well, aren’t I?)

He didn’t know if it was the effect of the lessons, the acoustics of the venue, or the tuna mayo rice balls he bought and ate at the convenience store in the morning, but it was different from usual. The sound was stable and he could sing as he wanted.

The high notes, which had been difficult during the lesson, came out beautifully, and he subconsciously clenched his fists.

Suddenly, he remembered the DVD of the competition that he had watched repeatedly in the living room of his apartment. At the time, he couldn't remember anything, so he just watched it emotionlessly.

But now, he felt as though he’d been pulled back to that day's competition venue. He could even remember the cool air and smell of the dry, air-conditioned hall.

When it was his turn, the announcer called his name, and he nervously stepped out onto the stage, with the dazzling lights.

The woman who had been accompanying him was sitting at the piano. She stood in the middle of the stage and bowed with a perky smile, and the audience applauded. One of the people who clapped so loudly that it was embarrassing was his mother, who was sitting in the audience. So he knew immediately where his parents and brother were sitting.

When he saw their faces, he suddenly felt relieved and relaxed. It was the same feeling he had when he was jumping up and down and singing in the living room at home. When the piano accompaniment started and he began to sing, his voice sounded better than when he was singing at home or at school, so he was comfortable, and he sang as loud as he could, wishing he could reach many more people.

(Yes, I...I was singing just like this...)

He almost laughed at what he was doing. It really was something he had done back then.

He had been so afraid to revisit his memories. There were many things he didn't want to face. But they weren’t all bad memories. It was the same with the competition.

He was so happy to win that he jumped up and down.

He put all of those memories together, threw them in a box, and put them in the deepest part of his mind so he wouldn't see them or remember them anymore.

No matter who he sang for or won, it seemed useless and no one needed him. But as Iv said, it was a gift given to him. It was not that there was nothing special about him.

What he was looking for, what he needed, was inside him from the beginning. He had not lost the key to the box where he kept his precious things. All he needed was the courage to open it.

He found himself unable to hear the organ. All that was echoing in the hall was his own singing voice. Yujiro stopped accompanying the organ in the middle of the song, even though it was not supposed to be staged that way.

As soon as Aizou finished singing, the tears that had been building up spilled out.

When he finally looked up as the afterglow faded, he saw that the people playing the role of the guards had also forgotten their roles and were staring at him with stunned expressions.

The next line was supposed to come in.

Aizou looked at Yujiro, who was staring at him, his eyes wide with surprise. 

Suddenly, he heard the sound of crackling applause from the empty seats. The director, Okido, who was watching from the middle of the first row, was clapping his hands. As if following his lead, the scriptwriter and Ikezaki, who had taught him dance and singing, sitting on either side of him, also started clapping. The staff members who were watching from the back of the second floor also began to clap.

Even Yujiro started smiling and applauding him.

The guards looked at each other and clapped while they laughed, looking impressed, even though it wasn’t the day of the performance.

Aizou squeezed his eyes shut and bowed.

On that day, the day of the competition, he felt the same. He’d been laughing proudly while standing on that stage.

💮

After the rehearsals were finished, the staff and his costars all came up to him, and started telling him “good job!”, referring to the scene with the song in it. Even Okido slapped Aizou’s shoulder and left without a word.

He must have gotten a pass from him.

(Really...I made it just in time...)

He knew he was ready for the challenge of tomorrow.

Strangely enough, he didn’t feel any anxiety.

Was this was self-confidence felt like? He felt like he could sing any song, any number of times. He sang his song during rehearsals, but it still didn’t feel like it was enough.

(I’m getting a little carried away...)

He felt like he was floating around in the air, and he couldn’t stop smiling. In any case, he was in the mindset of wanting to run through to the final day of the show while staying on top of things.

On the stage, the staff was clearing away the castle set and preparing the snowy mountain set. Behind it was a set of stairs that one could climb up. During the performance, smoke resembling a snowstorm or a snow plume would paint the stage white. The stage would be illuminated by snow, so it would be quite a beautiful view.

Smoke was used in the rehearsal that had just taken place, but since they were only going to do a final check of each scene, only the lighting was being used.

Yujiro received his bow from a staff member and climbed up the stairs of the snowy mountain. The staff on stage hurried off the stage with their tools.

(It’s almost time...)

Aizou put his hat on his head and was about to tie his rapier at his hip when he heard a clank. He looked up.

Yujiro’s bow dropped down the stairs.

And Yujiro, who had stopped mid-step, started to collapse, his body falling backwards. Aizou’s eyes widened and he threw his rapier out of the way, before he jumped forward as fast as he could, skipping a few steps as he went. He managed to catch Yujiro just in time, but ended up stumbling and falling on his ass.

Staff members ran up to them.

“Yujiro! Aizou! Are you okay?!” Manager Uchida looked worried.

“I’m fine...” Yujiro breathed, slowly trying to stand on his own. However, his face was extremely pale, and he nearly collapsed again. Aizou caught him and quickly slung his arm around his shoulder, slowly standing up with him.

💮

Yujiro was driven to a hospital and returned to the office by 6pm. When he asked, Manager Uchida told him that Yujiro was resting in the break room.

“Haa...” Aizou sighed in relief, and went to go check on him.

According to Manager Uchida, he was just weak from lack of sleep and hunger. Manager Uchida was also relieved and called Okido to report the incident as well. Aizou heard that the director was also very worried.

It was a good thing his body moved as quickly as it did. If Yujiro had fallen and gotten injured, it really wouldn’t have been good.

“...Haven’t you been eating?” Aizou asked, sitting across from Yujiro at the break room table.

Yujiro shook his head as he ate a rice ball. “I’ve been so busy, I ended up forgetting...” He mumbled, looking guilty. He was probably thinking about the uproar he’d caused.

“You forgot...you know it’s important to take care of yourself,” Aizou frowned. He’d noticed that during breaks, Yujiro would be napping and never touched his bento.

(I guess he hasn’t been sleeping much at home...)

“Well...I guess it’s my fault, partially. I’m your partner, so I should’ve been watching out for you better,” Aizou muttered, putting a hand to his forehead in distress.

“Ha?” Yujiro stared at him.

Aizou rested his elbows on the table and his cheek on his hand as he turned away from his partner.

“I’m...glad that you’re still acting the same, though. But are you going to  be okay for tomorrow?”

“I’m fine. I was just hungry, and sleepy.”

“Damn...don’t you normally eat well at home?”

“I haven’t been.”

“Why not? Don’t you eat sukiyaki everyday?”

“Who eats sukiyaki everyday?” As Yujiro reached for his second rice ball, the door suddenly banged open, causing both boys to jerk at the sound.

“Yujiro, Aizou! I heard what happened!” It was the president, who ran over and squeezed them in a hug. “I can’t believe that we’ve been making you endure hunger to the point of collapse, and as president, I can’t overlook this! Tonight, I’m taking you to a yakiniku restaurant for a little pick-me-up!”

“Then I’m going to go research a place where we can eat top quality meat right now!” Manager Uchida pushed her glasses up and ran out of the room.

“You two, get ready. The meat is waiting for you!” The president winked and left the room, shutting the door behind her. It was silent for a moment, before cheers erupted from the hall.

“Some special yakiniku, huh...” 

They glanced at each other and stood up. “Yay!” The two boys grinned at each other and high fived.

💮

The first day of the play was over. There were no major mistakes or problems, and the audience reaction was better than Aizou had imagined. The endless applause at the curtain call was still ringing in his ears even after the show was over.

Manager Uchida later told him that the performance was well received on social media.

It was not only the actors. Everyone involved, including the backstage staff, had worked together over the past few months to make the play a success. Aizou was more than happy that they appreciated that. The success of this first day was won by all.

The fans who came to see the show that day said, "It was great! I was so moved!”

Aizou was happy to receive the comments and impressions from the fans who came to see the show. He believed that they got to know them in a way that they could not show in their usual live performances or other jobs.

With the heat and afterglow of the performance still lingering, Aizou went to take another peek at the stage before leaving.

A few staff members were still working backstage. 

The lights in the auditorium were off, with only the stage lights on. When he reached the edge of the stage, he found a fan left behind. He bent down to pick it up.

(This is Okido-san’s...)

After the meeting took place, he must have forgotten about it. Aizou laughed slightly as he remembered Okido getting frustrated and banging his fan all over the place during practice. It took a lot of hard work to get here.

But he managed to get through until today. He sat down and gazed at the uninhabited seats. Thinking back on the stage, he felt as though he were in a dream, as if he really was in another world.

Someone came over and sat by him.

“Being on stage is really fun...” Aizou said to Yujiro.

He now knew how Rino felt when she said she was happy to be on stage. He couldn’t wait to see the stage tomorrow and will probably not be able to sleep tonight with all the excitement. The anxiety and pressure that he had felt at first was not an issue for him at all anymore.

“Everyone laughed a lot, didn't they? Some of them were even crying afterwards.”

“The part that you ad-libbed was pretty funny, too.”

“Well, I am an idol and entertainer,” Aizou said confidently.

Yujiro rolled his eyes and laughed. “What? Who told you that one?”

“Morita-san did.”

He had even came and saw it, and he sent him a message saying how moved he was. FT4 had come as well, with Iv sending him a message about how they were all looking forward to it. They’d even given them flowers to celebrate, with a large flower stand brought from a flower shop standing proudly in the aisles.

“...Your mother. Did she come?”

“No, my family has a performance in Kyoto, so she’s been over there for a while. My brother is performing there...”

“Oh, I see...”

(So you haven’t been eating dinner, I’m guessing...)

He should have maids who could make him dinner, but if he’s been working into the late night, he’d be too tired to eat.

“You said she’ll be back by the last day, so maybe she’ll come see it then?”

“It’d be nice if my father saw it too.”

Aizou knew that Yujiro was always desperate for his father’s approval, and was always upset because he never received it.

Yujiro's decision not to leave the stage back then was probably not only out of rebellion against Okido, but because he wanted his father to see the seriousness with which he took on the challenge. That was why he stuck with his decision. Yujiro still wanted his father’s approval.

“If I back down now, then it’ll just confirm everything he’s said about us!”

His words hadn’t just been about Okido, but his father as well, who’d told him at a young age to give up.

“...You really want him to see you now, huh. Am I wrong?”

Yujiro looked down. “...Who knows? It’s probably not a good idea anyway.”

“You can probably bring your mother here. I mean, it’s only the premier of your first play, not kabuki. I’m sure if they saw you now, they’d reconsider...”

“It’s not that I want to go back. There’s nothing for me there now,” Yujiro murmured.

“I know,” Aizou said quietly. He’d asked Yujiro about it once, and he said that he was the one who chose the new path to become an idol.

“Father is father, and there’s nothing I can do about that. I think he didn’t have a choice in telling me to give up...”

“...Were you never allowed to stand on the kabuki stage?”

“There’s no way he would have let me. It was only my brother who could have...”

(That’s really messed up...)

If he had no intention of letting him perform on stage, why did he let him practice? It was cruel to put so many expectations on a child, only to rip his hope away from him.

Well, Aizou thought so, but since this was Yujiro's family, there was probably a lot of complications and reasons.

He continued to listen quietly as Yujiro spoke.

“But...once we went to a shrine to dedicate a dance there. I think it was for some sort of festival? Anyway, I was pretty upset because I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to do it, but...my brother let me do it, actually.”

“Heh...dance? Like a miko does?”

“It was a cool shirabyoshi dance. My father taught me how to do it before, so I went up to the shrine’s hall, danced to the flute, and everyone who was watching me applauded for me...but I was really upset afterwards. Because I knew that was the end of it,” Yujiro smiled bitterly, “but I knew that was the best my father would allow me to do at the time.”

Aizou listened silently and slightly opened the fan that Okido left behind.

He knew his father's situation and feelings, so he couldn’t even tell him that he wanted to be on stage any longer. But he never gave up and kept trying, and that was why he was here now.

Yujiro was the real winner, as he’d never given up.

(Really, he’s so stubborn...)

Aizou snapped the fan shut. “Hey...do you still remember that dance?”

“Eh?” Yujiro glanced at him. “Um...I’ve probably already forgotten it. It’s been a long time since I’ve done it...I haven’t danced it since that day.”

“You liar,” Aizou smirked and tossed the fan to Yujiro, who managed to catch it, looking surprised. “It would be a waste if you learned that entire dance only to perform it once. You should dance to it.”

Yujiro raised his eyebrows in confusion. “Here?”

“It’s fine, isn’t it? I’m here- I’m the only one watching,” Aizou smiled at him and walked off the stage.

This wasn’t the end. This was going to continue for a long time.

His stage- no, their stage would continue to grow.

“...I told you, I don’t remember it,” Yujiro sighed, as if he were troubled. He opened his fan once and snapped it shut. When he looked up, his expression had changed, as if he were motivated.

Aizou sat in a special seat in the front row and stared at Yujiro as he slowly danced with the fan in his hand. He claimed that he didn’t remember, but there was no hesitation in the movement of his feet or his hands. 

There was no way Yujiro would forget the dance once he learned it. With the open fan in his hand, Yujiro quickly crouched down. When he stood up, he spun around in slow, flowing movements. He must have been dancing his heart out to the sound of the flute when he went up to the shrine's dance hall.

(I always knew you were amazing...)

Aizou smiled softly and kept those words to himself.

At that moment, he heard a few voices whispering.

“Don’t push!” Then the sound of something falling over was heard.

Aizou and Yujiro looked offstage in surprise to see Okido being crushed by several staff members. Apparently, he had been secretly watching Yujiro's dance there. Even Manager Uchida was with him.

“What are you doing..?” Yujiro asked them coolly.

Everyone got up in a panic.

“I’m here to pick you guys up!” Manager Uchida said, pushing her glasses up.

“I’m just here to get my fan!” Okido crossed his arms arrogantly, but his gaze was averted to the side.

(Really, what were they doing...)

Aizou got up and walked onto the stage to stand by Yujiro.

“But...really! That was a beautiful dance!” A female staff member told Yujiro, her eyes sparkling. The other staff members all nodded and grinned, murmurs of “I just witnessed something ethereal!” and “I’m so glad we stayed!”.

“Thanks...” Yujiro muttered curtly, looking like he was trying to hide his embarrassment. He closed the fan and handed it to Okido. “Sorry. I was just borrowing it.”

“I think I’m going to Yoshitsune and Shizuka Gozen for my next play!” Okido declared. 

The staff all gasped.

“And I want you two to be the main characters!” He pointed at Aizou and Yujiro, who shared a look.

“...Well, that’s fine, but who’d play Shizuka?”

“Eh, won’t it be you?” Aizou blinked.

Okido nodded. “That dance just now was just like Shizuka Gozen’s...”

“See, even the director thinks so!” Aizou pointed out, causing Yujiro to wrinkle his eyebrows.

“I’m not giving up the role of Yoshitsune. Aizou, you should be Shizuka Gozen. You’d be a better fit.”

“I wouldn't be, though! I’ve worked really hard on my abs!”

“Your abs won’t matter. No one would see them!”

“It should be the right person for the right role!”

“Hm...if that’s the case, then you might do better a Benkei than Shizuka,” Yujiro put a hand to his mouth and laughed.

“That’s good enough, I guess...my abs won’t go to waste, that way!”

“Yoshitsune or Benkei...very well! It’s decided then!” Okido raised a fist in the air. “You two will be the stars, of course!” He patted their shoulders.

“If you want to offer them a job, you'll have to go through me, the manager!” Manager Uchida pushed her glasses up, causing the lens to shine.

“We’ll...talk about that later, then,” Okido said nervously.

(Uchida-san, you are strong...)

The first day had only just ended, and already he wanted to start running toward the next one. It made him want to open up more possibilities for themselves.

(I want to try more things...)

He would not let the dream they had one day end as a dream. They will turn it into reality. The power to do so was already within them.

So all they have to do is keep going, without fear.

Even in the midst of a storm, even in the steepest mountains. As long as they kept going, one day they will reach the world of “hope” that they had always wanted.

Until that time-

Aizou, who’d been staring out at the audience seats, looked over at his partner, who was standing next to him.

Yujiro glanced at him at the same moment, their eyes meeting.

They were definitely thinking the same thing.

With that in mind, the two of them started laughing.

[justasopearchive]

uhmmmm.... 👉👈 im still curious about your thoughts on why you think sope has kind of drifted apart these past few years. ive been watching the two closely since 2017 and kind of went mia last 2020. only got back in the fandom late last yr so im curious about your perspective on why you think so... ive seen some sopies share the same sentiments and i wanted to get more context as to why yall arrived with almost the same idea. i already asked you this before but i noticed you still havent answered it yet. if you wont reply to this, i guess ill just take that as a hint to never ask about this topic again hehe sorry if these ever came off as delusional or anything but im honestly just curious about what happened 🥺

Oh, of course; sorry about that, my entire Tumblr is on a queue, so I’m rarely actually ON Tumblr (except yesterday) and most asks I get are lowkey toxic shipping stuff, so I ignore it 😩

It’s not delusional at all; and if it is, I’m also delulu lol. In terms of Sope in particular, I always got the feeling that Suga had a thing for Hobi…a demonstrable thing, crush, feelings, confusion, call it whatever you want. Yes, BH feeds into the madness, but I don’t think they can fake every second on camera and he (Y) was just demonstrably happier, softer and overall more energetic with him (H).

But we stopped getting damn near any interactions a few years ago. Like. At all. Even the 2021 and 2022 memories were bare bones for us Sopies.

My theory? Sometime in 2019ish something happened and one or the other said something pretty bad to the other or feelings came to a head and someone, IDK WHO, put them on ice (I tend to think it was Hobi who wanted to chill out…idk, he just never seemed as into it). And they just haven’t been the same since then. We know they used to see each other outside of work in the past because both of them have said it and there’s photo/video evidence. Now, J-Hope says he sees Suga “in the office”; a far cry from two dudes who went to concerts together or sat around and drank at their new office.

Even Yoongi being the only one not at the JITB release party. That wasn’t sus to y’all? And, yes, I know they said he “felt sick.” But come on…he turned around and performed, in outstanding health, at the Psy concert right after that. That just looked…strange.

Anyway, I’m choosing to remain delulu and force myself to believe that they love each other and Sope is not divorced and they’ve kissed (don’t worry, I know this is all jokes and fantasy…I actually believe 5/7 of Bangtan are in or have recently been in, hetero romantic relationships).

I’ve literally never “shipped” anyone else in my life and BTS is the only group of strangers I actively enjoy keeping up with (I don’t even watch reality TV 🥴)—so I’m just gonna hold on to this as my OTP for awhile lol

This is all just conjecture and gossiping on MY part.

Hope that answers your question 🙃

[forestryfae]

like i dont know i think its fucking stupid to throw away and give away so much stuff like. thats such a waste of money. but at the same time its ind of hard to feel like a person and understand whats a neccessity and what isnt when youve grown up with two grown ass adults who never really got to the point where they like. became responsible.

mom might have fed us and given us clothes sometimes and she did in fact sometimes get shit done but ultimately she was verbally and emotionally abusive and negligent. she yelled at me for being underweight as if it was my fault my parents werent feeding me real food or making sure i ate or even just making food. any time i was upset or sad id get yelled at and dismissed and id hear all about how my reactions werent appropriate like. she reacted and still reacts much worse to things than i ever did and atleas i have a good excuse for it. i actually grew up with abuse and ive only ever seen people get furious over both tiny and big things. noone else reacts appropriately, how the fuck would i know what is and isnt appropriate if i at 4 years old am screamed at and insulted and told noone in the whole world cares about me. like. when i started getting really sick she put me all alone in an apartment and didnt do anything to help me get a psychiatrist or any kind of real help. its fucked.

dad didnt even fucking feed us or talk to us so there was verba abuse when he was mad at us and a lot of screaming on top of the neglect. he didnt even fucking talk to us unless it was to tell us to make dinner on our own cus he didnt feel like it. apparently the excuse was "since youve already eaten" like?? no, my brother just ate. i learned i wasnt going to get dinner if i ate after school despite not having eaten anything since the day before or longer so i stopped eating right after school and we still didnt get fucking fed.

there was nothing in the house we could eat either cus its all just ingredients and i was terrified of taking anything in case someone got mad at me for using it. after all the rules were all made up on the spot both before nad after the divocre and in both households.

and he didnt talk to us either like at all unless it was to either yell or tell us to clean up after "us" (my brother who made the mess that i always wound up having to clean up) or to tell me i still had to go to school despite being bullied and sitting alone in a fucking room literally all day with no teachers or else hed. go to jail. like yeah sure and thats our fault for being left alone all day and not being fed or taken care of between the ages 8 and 14? you cant blame a 9 year old and a 6 year old when they struggle to get to school on time all alone when theyve never done that before and they had no preparation besides being told that they had to get ready all alone a few days before summer vacation was over

like idk i try to not think too much about choldhood shit but it creeps up on me all the fucking time and its really hard to actually convince myself that yeah no a child should not have those responsibilities, even if it was me. i wasnt fucking capable of being "the older one" and the "bigger person" and "ignoring them" and "taking care of everyone" like mom and dad sat me down and talked to me about when i was what? fucking 6? 7?

like at some point, if your kid is starving not because they have an eating disorder at 12 but because theyre not being fucking fed half the year and they have been screamed at for random shit and never been given real frameworks or anything for whats allowed and what isnt so they also cant feed themselves because theyre scared of being yelled at the same way i was scared of cutting my own nails and did it in secret so mom and dad wouldnt scream at me, until my brother ratted on me one day while i was doing it and i found out the reason i wasnt allowed to do it before and HAD to get them to do it was because they were worried id cut my nails too short and itd hurt my fingers. like? i was afraid i was going to get screamed at for doing something everyone else outside of our house had been allowed to do for years.

like at that point i dont wanna hear anything from anyone, not even myself, about "why didnt you just do this and that" because i didnt fucking know i could do it, or i did know it was possible but i was afraid i was going to get screamed at for it, or i just wasnt allowed, or i was straight up too scared or depressed to do it. i wasnt able to in some way. i was a kid with no information or support and i was told repeatedly by everyone around me that all problems came from me specifically and that was it. it wasnt as easy as just getting a car and a job and getting the fuck out of there, i didnt even know how fucked it all was until i actually met people who treated me like my basic needs and my basic wellbeing and my basic emotional needs actually exist and matter that i started realizing exactly how fucked up it all is.

i feel BAD for needing a shower, or for being tired, or for being sad, or for being happy, or just for being hungry. like im not really supposed to need anything im just supposed to get by with less than the bare minimum and its been that way forever and its really hard to convince myself that all of this bullshit was as bad as it was and i didnt deserve it and i am allowed to exist. saying i deserve to have my needs met sounds so fucking stupid because yeah i do but like i could survive with less and i should. like no?? thats fucked. come on. we can do better than that, we deserve better and we dont have have to strategize and minimalize what is needed to feel good. im allowed to want to be happy and work towards it. its fucking hard but itll be okay

[sydneyshipsstuff]

answering both of the recent tag games in one since im lazy (so scroll for the questions below the bingo)

tagged by @professional-benaddict (sorry for responding so late lol) and because i dont have too many mutuals, tagging anyone who sees it & wants to do it!

I chose my baby Spider-Man/Peter Parkee, with a focus on the starker fandom!

1. How did you discover your fave?

spider-man movies -> video edits on insta/tiktok -> irondad fanfics on wattpad -> ao3 -> looking at starker in disgust -> becoming a part of the fandom

2. How long have you been a fan of your fave?

since homecoming! when it first came out but it took me a while to start interacting with the fandom

3. Do you write for your fave? (E.g. AU's, Drabbles, Fan Fics.)

sorta! i don't actively write, just kinda drabble sometimes and i mostly dont post that, plus helping others write, i do have drafts that have been in my docs for years though

4. Do you like what is canon about your fave?

i do but i feel bad for him! poor guy has nobody :((, but before endgame i was in love with canon.

5. Tell some of your headcanons of your fave.

•his spider abilities on top of the originals like purring, cant have peppermint, hibernates, etc

•his love of animals, always stopping on patrols to say hi to them or trying to keep the strays he finss

•being worthy of mjolnir and picking it up without knowing the significance

•that he worms his way into the hearts of everyone he meets

6. Do you draw for your fave? (E.g. Fan Art)

no i dont, but i love seeing others fan art obviously!

7. If your fave/s are portrayed by several actors, who are your fave portrayers?

basic, ik, but tommy.

8. Are you more into Books/ Comics/Films when it comes to your fave?

mostly the fanfics then anything, but the movies and comics are so entertaining.

9. Quote anything about what your fave has said.

this ones weird but when i went to new york i went out of my way to go to moma because of him mentioning it to tony

10. Quote your favourite line of your fave!

basic but the "When you can do the things that I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen, they happen because of you." because even though its sad/semi unhealthy to put that pressure on yourself, i relate to it in a way and uphold myself to helping whenever i can.

11. Ever made a edit for/of your fave?

i dont think so? maybe photos but that would have been a while ago

12. Songs you associate with your fave?

anything to do w new york really

13. If your fave was real, do you think they'd like you?

i think so, if we meant in a natural way lolol, i try to be social and i think id be able to joke with him

14. Amongst your fave/s who do you think are you? (E.g. You have 5 faves, amongst the 5 of them you think of yourself as fave no.3)

skipping because i only am answering for the one

15. Do you know your fave origin story?

yes i doo, radioactive spider bite, yada yada, parents dead, yada yada, uncle shot, rip, grew up in queens & stayed there

16. In 1 word describe your fave’s aesthetic.

akward

17. Is/Are your fave/s famous on A03?

yes very much, but mostly for irondad

18. Ships that you like with your fave?

i do like irondad if thats even considered a ship, peter w tony, harley, steve, stephen, and bucky, either seperate or at the same time, and im open to other pairings too

19. Is/Are your fave/s well known?

yes very well

20. If your fave/s have a fandom, what do you think about the fandom?

i like them, idk if theyd like me now that ive gone to the dark side lol

21. Describe yourself using something your faves have said

oops kinda did this already for another question but, "I am Responsible. I…Oh crap. My backpack’s gone." I try to be responsible but i am very clumsy and forgetful lol, and i do a lot of stupid shit

22. If you would feed your fave/s something, what would it be?

as big of a meal as i could possibly make, very carby, probably pasta, get some meat on those bones and feed the super apetite

23. How do you see yourself in any of your fave/s?

i see the optimism/ akwardness in myseld as well, we are semi-close in age so i think that contributes to it

24. Ever taken a break from your fave/s?

sorta, it was very short and it was mostly in between going from irondad to starker as well as small breaks i took from everything lol

25. If your fave/s were to have a crossover, who and which character would they have a crossover with?

well they did have one with stephen and the other spidermen but i think it would be cool to see him really interacting w the women of marvel, aka kate, yelena or natasha (also rip), pepper, captain marvel, america chavez, etc.

[finalresort]

Ray Reviews a Random Song.

4st 7lb by the Manic Street Preachers.

lyrics: 10/10

music: 9/10

references: 10/10

This song is the story of a girl with an ED. At the beginning, she only discusses physical apperance, saying she's getting better. Throughout the song, she starts to mention more symptoms, such as in the quote "lift up my skirt, sex is gone." i believe this quote is saying she's lost her period, or that she's become infertile, as in the quote "may i bud but never flower." she also discusses loosing her vision, in the quote "My visions getting blurred but i can feel my ribs and i feel fine." it doesnt matter to her what happens to her physically, as long as she can feel herself getting smaller. it also resembles the older definition of body checking.

"mother tries to choke me with roast beef and sits savouring her sole ryvita." this quote represents the generational aspect of anorexia, as her mother starves herself, while hypocritically feeds her anorexic daughter roast beef.

the next verse "kate and kristen and kitkat all tbings i like looking at. too weak to fuss too weak to die the choice is skeletal in everybodies life." references the 90s heroin chic era models kate moss and kristen mcmenamy, who were mentioned earlier in the song. the protaganist only looks at food. "to weak to fuss" i believe is her thinking about recovery. she doesnt have the strenth to get away, but she's not ill enough to die yet. the last line of the verse blames society for choosing to admire the models the 90s adored, everyone wants to be thin, thats why the media is thin.

in the next verse she makes it very clear her choice is to keep going. she's not going to recover. she claims she doesnt mind how bad her sitation is.

this next quotes a favourite of mine "self worth scatters self assteems a bore. ive long since moved to a higher plateau." whats the point in self worth when it just fails you? whats the point when being that weight affords her care and kindness from her family.

the final verse perfectly closes the song.

"4st 7 an epilogue of youth." the weight is conclusion to her youth, which was replaced by the disorder.

"such beautiful dignity in self abuse." she believes her illness is worth honour. she sees herself above those who are kind to themselves. (another manics quote springs to mind "ive been too honest with myself i shouldve lied like everybody else")

"ive finally come to understand life through staring blankly at my navel."

[edbitchhehe]

I need help!

On Wednesday i got transferred to a specialised psychiatric unit and they put me on a weight restoration plan 😖

Every meal/snack time is a constant battle, i havent eaten any solids since i got here but im being forced to drink the supplements because apparently im that sick and physically unstable that its either drinking the supplements or being restrained and having an ng tube shoved down my nose again

One of the doctors said there is more calories in the tube feeds than in the food/supplements

I am so fucking traumatised. Ive been in hospital for over 7 weeks and i cant do it anymore. I just want to go home

I feel so sick and full but none of the staff care they just expect me to have everything im given, they dont care how i feel mentally they just want me to gain the weight and go

Its so unfair! I just cant take this anymore and to make matters worse theres another anorexic girl thats so much skinnier than me

I can tell im gaining so much weight and i want to kill myself.

[kazumist]

i just found out that kenma. yes, thank you

anyways, how are you? i hope you're doing alright and taking care of yourself, if you arent i will personally go to your house and shove water down your throat as lovingly as possible and feed you violently as lovingly as possible

i also started thinking about anti-ti-ti fragile, fragile. you know? its so addicting that its in my mind 24/7, you know what else is in my mind aside from you? unforgiven.

i actually dont know what i'm doing or typing right now and will not even proof read this to check if theres any grammar errors so..!!

i also want to you remember that you're nothing less than amazing!! if someone says otherwise please kindly send me their address and all the information on them because i will deal with them accordingly, thats all<3

-⭐

ure so real for that like yes kenma

i've been well lately !! been finally relaxing (read: slacking off) ever since summer started but dw ive been taking care of myself,, no need to do such things 😭

to tell u the truth i havent actually listened to the actual album of the recent lsrfm cb erm .. tbf i havent been updated that much with kpop at all LOL i recently just started becoming updated again ever since ive went here in the country (which was a few days ago i think? i didnt rlly attend but ik some who did so like. ya)

same goes to you anon ! hope you have a nice day/night <3

[midnightmisadventures]

Also guys kevins video was the best thing ive ever seen.

Not to be dramatic but all my life ive thought it was so interesting when celebrities, especially breakout artists of any form are asking "whos your inspiration, whats ur biggest artistic influence"

and the celeb no matter how old....how individual talented, how new at the craft or how new they are at fame for the art itself. They always have genuine outspoken answers for this where they can go into depth and detail and talk about for hours, how their influences inspired them

and the more i grow and am interested in publicity, ive wondered "do they go over that in media training?" like probably prep them to HAVE an answer but theres no way, they force feed them creative idols. At least not the types of interviews im talking about, like most of the time its apparent when the celeb is given the chance to speak about the talent of one of their idols their eyes TRULY do light up and they are so passionate about the contributions their idols have made to the art.

And its always fascinated me because even the most famous actors, singers, composers, influencers, authors, comedians, filmmakers, etc EVERYONE has a handful of idols unique to them that they genuinely attribute to sparking their own creativity, which ultimately leads to their own art?

Like idk sometimes its hard to process michael jackson being starstruck, or in awe of anyones talent.

And me on the other hand ive always considered myself a creator, and imagine getting recognized for whatever combination or art style i pursue........and all my life, since child hood i've wondered what i would say if i was asked that question. Like "who are your biggest influences that inspired this art"

and ive always been worried that like?? what if i dont have them? Obviously these people (celebs) that are at the drop of a dime able to explain all these fascinating facts and insights about these people so passionately, like they light up and can explain for hours about these artists..

But in my head that just translated too......these people must be experts in their field. Even if he's a 7 yr old on broadway, like he must be SPECIAL because he knows THAT many comparisons to know that this particular actor is the best and WHY

Like ive just assumed thats what that meant, and that also meaning the worlds biggest recognized artists were experts at drawing, at singing, at writing......

But its not

pt 2

[r-ene]

how i've been surviving my second semester

not really big on tips with academics, more of staying and feeling alive on 12-hours class days

ive been mentioning in some of my posts that i have 11 to 12 hours class schedules this semester, and those days (wednesday and thursdays) are probably the most difficult days to squeeze in study time after class... especially wednesday since for thursday there's 4 major subjects to study for. and since the semester is ending, i'd like to share the things i've been doing because surprisingly i haven't felt any signs of burn out since this second semester.

note: i have a pretty lax schedule aside from wednesdays and thursdays this sem so most likely i won't be able to abide by these the following semester once our hybrid classes start + different schedule

1. workout first thing in the morning

started this one with just planks before and it helped me a lot with back pains due to sitting the whole day since after my last class at 7:30 pm, I would still continue to study after eating dinner, feeding Luna and so on. and recently i've been doing a 15-minute work out of 2-3 sets depending how much time i have before class starts and = instant energy boost. i noticed i didn't need to nap as much as i used to, but once i get to nap, i would feel all my tiredness from the day

2. sleep early on other days (M, T, F, St, Sn)

honestly still working on this because i like to do a lot of stuff within a day because i like getting things done as soon as possible and in advance for more leisure time + more time to do extra readings/notes and etc but this one is a necessity to lessen the probability of getting burnt out

3. supplements + caffeine

bee pollen supplement, vitamin c and collagen are the ones i take daily. aside from energy boost, as someone who hates being sick and doesn't like taking meds, i should keep myself healthy. i think caffeine, coffee speaks for itself for a 12 hr class haha

4. wednesday no-sleep

as much as possible i dont like doing this because not only is it a bad practice but since my wednesday schedule is 7:30am to 7:30pm and i have 4 major subjects on thursday, i need to sacrifice sleep to read through and study for those subjects especially during pre-exam week and exam weeks.

5. study buddies~ (+fun break times)

my group of friends from senior year has been a big help with this, we go on discord almost everyday and even though we are all from different majors (respiratory therapy, physical therapy, nursing, medical technology, architecture, marketing) we like hanging out on dc to study together for accountability and additional fun for studying :) we also have break schedules like wordle time at 12 mn where we all drop what we're doing (unless its very important) and go on wordle.

6. n a p s

this speaks for itself + i mentioned lots of times i love naps, sleeping in general since i was a kid. please make sure you take naps whenever you can, even a quick 15- to 20-minute nap could be an instant energy charger + it's also a break for our brain, to enhance memory and performance.

7. time management/prioritize

hmm another thing i'm still really working on, but since my gap year i like making to-do lists the night before and now i would make a list of things i need to do and highlight them in different colors for those i need to accomplish within the week and on another sheet of paper i would write down 3-5 tasks to get done within the day. +

8. not skipping meals

i used to not like eating breakfast but i've been practicing to do so recently because it's a necessity and since i worked out, i need to recharge or else i would fall asleep during morning class and even just a simple oatmeal is a big help with concentration (+ to avoid diabetes since both of our parent's family have a big history with diabetes mellitus, type 2) and i think there's a lot of people the same as me that when i really focus on something there's that tendency to put aside meals and eat once i get done and it's not a healthy thing to do especially since working/studying requires a lot of brain energy + energy in general, which we get from eating meals on time to avoid additional stressors such as stomach pain or headache from skipping/missing meal time. that being said, let's also eat healthily

9. cold shower before class

i swear i can never focus if i don't shower with cold water in the morning, especially with these kinds of schedule. it really wakes me up and theres a lot of benefits to showering with cold water (+ i live in a tropical country, it helps lessen me being irritable with the heat especially this summer time, specifically from 9-12nn, then i would shower again before lunch time gets done because it's also really hot at 1 to 4pm)

10. stretching

12 hours of class sounds bad but continuously sitting down for 12+ hours with pre-class and post-class study sessions is BAD. i can't begin to imagine how painful my neck, back and glutes would be if i don't move around every after 2 hours or whenever i can. im actually requesting to my mom if we could have a bar height table when we move so i could study/attend class with the option to just stand whenever i want to.

11. don't forget to wind down

personally i love going on a bike ride and walk around our village with the intention to just breathe in some air and do some sight-seeing, relax to wind down. sometimes i would do those to work out or do other exercises to sweat out the day's stress. other than those, sleep, read, watch, browse through my coloring books and do some coloring are other ways i like to wind down. another important note to not go to bed with a headache and/or get burnt out easily.

12. last but not the least, HYDRATE

water, water, water. sometimes i infuse my water with cucumber or lemon but usually it's just ice cold water in my 750mL flask and i would drink every now and then, especially when i can't focus/feel sleepy and refill at lunch, mid-afternoon and dinner. i also like drinking cold water as soon as i wake up and it's just really a necessity.

new tiktok :)

[donutdisturblivball]

im so sorry for doing this so late lol!!! ty @midnightmoon27 for tagging me :DD

nicknames: donut (online)

real name: i don't feel very comfy sharing outright, but i mean literally look at my user man

zodiac sign: aquarius

fave musicians: conan gray, queen, mxmtoon, cavetown, david bowie, the smiths, the cure

fave sports team: dont got one

sports watched: ice skating!!! gymnastics!!!! i think skiing is cool as shit too

other blogs: i can barely handle one yall r asking too much from me

do I get asks: occasionally? i've gotten a bit mroe as of late but nto really

following: SO many byler blogs i cant even begin to NAME--

tumblr crushes: thats like-- people that when they like or reblog my shit im like "!!!! omg they noticed me" right?? bc in that case hard yes

lucky number: i dont think i have a specific one? i've never really thought about it

what I'm wearing: pjs B]

dream vacation: france and canada await.

dream car: i should probably stop relying on public transportation and actually get a license before i even begin thinking of dream cars

fave foods: RICE!!!!! rice and pasta and potatoes. feed me any of these things and i will literally propose within the hour (after i finish eating obviously)

fave drink: water lol

instruments: i've been playing violin since i was around 6 or 7! at this point ive devoted so much time to it that i literally cannot quit even if i wanted to. i really wanna learn how to play piano and guitar tho

languages: just english! im shit at learning other languages RIP

celebrity crush: i have this weird thing where i cannot for the love of god consider people that i dont have a crush on attractive. like i can agree if you ask me if certain celebrities r conventionally and objectively attractive, but i just cant bring myself to actively think that theyre hot in my own opinion. idk its like theres this weird roadblock that just stops my mind from thinking different people that i dont know personally irl are attractive. like i play genshin impact and i have such a problem with making "mommy" jokes myself but idgaf when my friends do it. idk its weird lol

wow that was such an unnecessary rant about the inner workigns of my brain. anyway TYSM FOR TAGGING ME AGAIN!! THIS WAS VERY FUN :))

non pressure tags!! @celestialstars7 @swashbuckling-chicken @l0v3c0r3e @slytherin-crow101 @tntozier @cosmicbrowniefan @quinnick ++ anyone else who'd like to hop on the bandwagon :D

[driflew]

beholden outlines and notes

i got a review on beholden yesterday who pointed out its been, yknow, well over a year since i updated the fic. obviously those of you following me here know ive been writing other stuff, and so it shouldn't come as a surprise that im not rlly planning to go back to working on it

why? other than getting into another fandom, i honestly just wasnt really happy w how the fic was turning out. i loved s1, but s2 i just wasnt liking as much. and as much as i was excited for how s2 (and the fic in general) would have ended, i just couldnt get myself to keep working and Get there. besides that, i started beholden on quarantine, and when class/work started up, i simply didnt have the time to write so much. beholden was already 70k. to finish would have probs doubled the length, and that's not time i could dedicate

as such, ive decided to post my outlines/notes for what the rest of beholden Would have been if id ever gotten to finishing it. this is, i guess, my final sendoff for beholden. here's every doc / outline i had guiding my writing of this fic

ill say in advance this fic was a mix of plotting and pantsing, so not everything in the outline is completely fleshed out. but the main beats are there, esp in scenes i was more confident about

...these also weren't meant to be viewed by anyone but me, so they might be sort of confusing/under-explained. il add a bit of commentary/context when i can

first, here's my detail on how the rest of season two would have gone:

NOV 3: Jordan Kennedy statement

toll his Knowing and rereading old statements

talk about Peter! self-isolation as a way to 

1. Ready himself and his friends for his death, by not being too deeply attached, 

2. Keep peter and elias’s attention on him rather than his assistants, 

3. Get peter to agree to yeet any threats into the Lonely, to keep his marks low

Dust to Dust. michael shelley is there. implies jon might have known abt the tapes all along and they could very well be the secret?? 

does this implicate michael in gertrude’s murder

Tim and Martin have an argument at flat while the three of them are listening to tapes. 

Jon has been guiding, but Tim worries he may be guiding Away from the truth (paranoid)

Martin worries Tim is so focused on finding Jon’s secret he’s getting distant from Jon. 

They’ve been listening to tapes at Martin and Tim’s whenever possible. 

martin’s tired of it! hes doing work at home basically, and tim’s kind of erratic now that hes got the idea in his head jon might be a monster. it worries martin too but he knows that even w the shit jon pulls he IS their friend

sasha’s gonna have. Thoughts abt the Michael thing as well, given Michael and Jon clearly have some kind of shared past / understanding

something something… Michael talks about a shared past, Jon about reverting the Change… they both worked with Gertrude…… Gertrude and Jon reverting “the Change”??

but what the fuck is the Change? what “changed”??? why did they need to undo it? why do only they remember it? do they need to prevent it from “changing” again?

could she talk to Michael?

WHERE DID THIS PLOT COME FROM 

Group intervention, 

Martin trying to make them stop being so suspicious of each other. Gearing up for the “if we were all happy would that be so bad” bit

DEC 1: Daisy drops by in place of Basira to give a statement / talk to tim. Jon half avoids this one bc 1, not feeding on a friend, 2, daisy will Kill him if hes noticeably not human (esp since she figured it out thru him changing in her dreams last time)

asks Tim about the nathaniel thorp statement. she wants to see it. 

looked back into the guy. he wasn’t named nathaniel thorp, but its been a long time. she’s not about to rule out a fake name

JAN 7: Tessa Winters 

WHAT HAPPENED IN CANON:

tim and jon argue

martin tells jon to fix shit w tim

not them encounter in the tunnels

talk to elias

JAN 25: Caroline Gorka

Jon takes this one. hungry

jons on his isolation arc

FEB 11: Maxwell Rainer raid

Feb13: Melanie statement 2

Tim bumps into in the library while researching and asks her abt what she’s been researching. she talks abt the notThem, and the table, and the statements Jon has given her copies of. Tim frowns and tell her that they know where the table is, it’s here, why would Jon lie about that… unless…? they decide fuck the library and fuck work and just leave

they do some research into jon’s past. Tim, Melanie, and Georgie go thru Georgie’s old pictures, but she doesnt have any (messy breakup… she got rid of most of it). talk abt the sudden personality change, etc. 

Tim decides that he must have changed. they talk abt how there’s usually someone who can see the difference, and Tim decides that since it isn’t any of them, it must be someone else in the institute. he asks around about what people think Jonathan Sims looks like, and “rosie” pauses before describing a complete stranger. tall, close-cropped hair, broad shoulders. and then this strange short man came in and she assumed they must have fired Sims, since he really wasn’t qualified, and hired some other Jon…

and that’s it. that must be. jon’s dead and this thing replaced him. 

Feb 16: axe to table

Tim calls Daisy, since she has experience killing these things. Melanie and Georgie decide to help—Melanie bc she was researching them, and Georgie bc that was her friend. Basira tags along too. Tim tells Martin and Sasha that they should come w him (without explaining), and to not tell Jon. rosie is more than happy to let them thru to artifact storage.

they all go, Tim explains that Jon is NOT Jon, and he’s going to prove it. then he turns around and puts an axe through the table

Jon shows up and is like. rosie wouldn’t let me in please tell me you didnt break the table. and Tim is like its too late, you bastard Jon-killer! 

chaos. 

dunno how this bit goes BUT 

shouting match in which they both talk abt rosie, and Martin realizes that rosie has been replaced

daisy attacks Jon and he panics, sending her to the Lonely as per the deal w Lukas. thats a problem! but also this fic equivalent of the buried

notRosie attacks, and the rest of them escape. idk how. Jon gets them to the tunnels probably? barricades them in the archvies? they deal w notRosie somehow. 

Jon has to come clean! its time t explain everything!

this might be a separate chapter. end on a cliffhanger and then in the new chapter Jon must explain….

new exposition dump chapter! here’s everything Jon has to explain (or not explain)

he is a time traveller, sort of, having sent his own memories back in time

he knew all of them (and daisy). all of them died. the world ended. he’s here to prevent it

probably toes the line between “it was my fault” and “im on your side.” yes he caused their deaths. no he doesnt want to cause them again. everything he’s done has been to stop those deaths from happening again.

explains he had to hide it because of Elias. probably explains how serious he is about this by explaining how he blinded himself to keep things from Elias and the Eye

…which leads him to explain shit like the Eye, the entities, the rituals, etc. 

which is a great lead-in to the Unknowing!

stresses repeatedly that he’s being honest, he’s telling them a lot and he’s willing to admit everything, but keeps two things to himself: he and Martin dated, and he’s going to kill himself in the Unknowing

...and that would have been s2! i was really excited for the not-Jon thing, but never got to it.

anyway. i also had these two notes at the end of the doc as things to consider in my writing of jon's interactions with Sasha and Tim

“sasha is jon’s favorite, theyre probably comfortable with each other”

“jon’s got stronger memories / more memories of tim hating him than tim being his friend, thats gotta be weird for how he feels about tim”

speaking of Tim, i ALSO have a doc specifically for guiding tim's arc. sasha's arc was mostly me rolling with the punches and working with what i thought she might be able to figure out, but Tim i had the beats planned more directly

TIM PLOT OUTLINE

peter lukas props Isn't human, jon Is helping him

jon is doing other shady shit, helping michael (also not human)

jon is very pointedly guiding them towards the unknowing but not saying what he knows or why

research avatars and learn ppl can lose their humanity / become monsters.

combine melanie's info on ppl replaced, like the notThem

horrible conclusion: on either was human and isn't anymore, or really isn't jon. were they ever even friends with jon?

(worth noting: if Jon truly was replaced when his personality changed, then all their moments of being genuinely close came after that. the person he is close friends with is not Jon. its the thing that killed Jon. the realization he “never actually got to befriend Jon at all” is going to do weird things to his heart, im sure)

(remember the table? tim can compare notes having seen it w melanie, who has been looking into the notThem) (statement info plus it now being revealed

jon is hiding shit from melanie as well) maybe have georgie in here looking for polaroid images or tape recordings of jon from college, which she can't find. no way to confirm he is who he's supposed to be

basira and daisy.…... basira can tell tim and sasha she's sectioned and that daisy believes Jon isn't human

AS FOR THE REST OF THE FIC...

when i started writing beholden, i plotted out the entire fic. i did s1 in detail, and s2 and three in... not a lot of detail. when i started s2, i made a new doc and more detailed outline, which is what i showed above. as i never got to s3, the s3 outline is... not super in-depth. had i made it to s3, i would have fleshed it out more, but alas. anyway, here's what i had:

Everyone knows MOSTLY whats up. 

There needs to be trust building! rights for jonmartin?

Jon plans to kill Elias after the Unknowing. Hes barely human, his friends are okay, and if they destroy the institute after his death, there shouldnt be any danger. In getting htem to trust him he accidentally forgets this means theyll be attached to him and wont Want him to die

elias now has to go on the offensive to get jon marked. Entities jon needs to be marked by still: buried, dark, desolation, end, flesh, hunt, lonely, slaughter, stranger, vast

At some point in this season, they have to find out what Jon’s real plan is 

FEB 17: starts. Does anything need to go here? Jon isnt on the lam. I guess re-bonding. Since most of them thought he was guilty of murder. Less “heres the past i remember” and more direct talk on his actual plan (but vague on how he plans to do the actual killing). can explain that hes not any more human than elias is. Also that they cant just Kill Elias or else it will kill all of them, but jon has a plan (that he cant tell the others, bc elias can read minds! Thats def why he cant tell them the plan)

APRIL 24: jude perry. If Jon wont go to her, Elias probably needs to bring her to Jon… oof. I think Tim is gonna get hurt by the desolation. 

Im putting the confrontation w elias here. Elias probably Knows what Jon is planning (or at least that hes planning to kill Jon, but not how) and Jon demands to know why the others are hurt. Learns Elias doesn need jon alive or to be The Archivist, it can be anyone, and elias isnt afraid to get a second one if he has to

APRIL 28: mike crew

...probably Simon this time, since Elias i think could get him to visit the MI anyway

Also I want to vaporize simon fairchild

Which i guess means jon avatar moments, which i want/need anyway

Unknown date: jon gets kidnapped by the stranger. Helen kills Michael simply bc i like Helen more. i will find real justification for this by the time i get here, probably

Coming back from being kidnapped is rough for jon bc he hasnt Known in a while or relied on his powers too much but, uh, hes starving

Assistants helping jon manage his inhumanity, which is uh… a tense issue, im sure. But theyre more sympathetic bc they like him more and also he did give up his humanity for them. having several anchors will make it all easier to manage

JUNE 29: is in the USA, is kidnapped by Trevor and Julia. Probably gets a Hunt injury here, since hes clearly not human, 

I think the fact jon had to leave the country to do this alone for some reason right now while theyre preparing for the unknowing stuff raises questions. Why cant this wait until after elias is dead??

before the unknowing, Jon records a tape explaining that killing the archivist means everyone else will be freed from the institute, to be listened to after he kills himself in the unknowing. He lists elias’s weakness of being in the panopticon, mentions leitner in the tunnels may be able to lead them. its a goodbye tape, saying sorry for lying about this last thing, and this is sort of his penance for killing them and the world. he can die instead this time, satisfied with saving the rest of them and confident they can finish out the rest of saving the world now that hes helped them survive and given them the tools to take down Elias. fic equivalent of testament, i guess?

AUG 6: plant explosives at the wax museum. They dont actually have to detonate during the unknowing, since the ritual would fail anyway, so? They can probs just blow it up right before while the circus is in the building getting ready, without getting Strange

I think same crew as canon go. Since theyre not waiting for the actual event or anything and are going beforehand, these were the ppl who knew how to set up the bomb and all

Jon plans to tell them he’s on the other side of the building, watching for anything that might come out and escape to kill it. He’ll text tim when hes there and tell tim to detonate. (

Jon actually plans to go inside, sit down w a bomb, and tell tim to detonate w him inside. So he’ll die and they’ll be free to kill elias

(he still wants to give Tim the option to get revenge on the circus, and sort of Still feels like. yknow, if Tim detonated it on him once, it'll be fine to do it again)

(will be fun to have Tim and Jon talk afterwards abt how Tim feels about Jon planning to use Tim to kill himself)

Sasha listens to the tape Jon left, figures out its jon’s suicide note, and calls tim immediately to stop him from detonating. She doesnt listen to the whole thing, just like. enough to hear the tone of jon's voice and Realize. Tim and Basira go in to stop/help Jon

and thats season 3! as i said, not particularly fleshed out. it def needed a lot of work, and besides, i wanted to flesh it out more when i had written more of s1 and s2, since i think its easier to do once you know what's actually on your page. but. didnt happen, clearly.

...you might be looking at these bullets and thinking "wait, wasnt there a bullet point about sending daisy into the lonely at the end of s2? where did that plot go?" and the answer is: it didnt exist when i started plotting the fic, but it was added later. i hadn't yet fleshed it out fully, but it would have worked similarly to pulling daisy out of the buried. i hadn't yet decided when to pull her out or whether the person o do so would be Jon or Basira. Jon would have gone and had a similar moment as the coffin where they bonded over losing their humanity, while Basira it would have been similar to the s5 plot line in which Basira had to take a long hard look at the stuff she allowed daisy to pull (since, yknow, you need to See someone to find them in the Lonely). i hadn't got far enough to figure out the details, tho, but figuring out what to do with daisy was something i found... particularly tricky, considering her character

ANYWAY. in addition to all this, i had, uh, a whopping THREE bullet points for "season four," which was basically rolled into arc three

They need a new plan to kill elias and i have no fucking idea what that plan is

Nvm. gertrude was gonna blow up the institute so thats what jon will do. Hes strong enough to survive and everyone else will be able to w the institute gone

...burn employment contracts? So they dont all die?

...that was all.

another thing i had decided (but not written down) while working on s2, however, that i didnt want to do "season four" and that i wanted to end at the unknowing. my plan was that id figure out what to do when i got closer to the end and had more information on what had transpired in fic. i think my vague plan was essentially "once they find out Jon was going to sacrifice himself they make him Not and do some shit to take the Institute down in that moment, based in the idea of destroying the institute."

one thing i wanted to do what play around with the fact the eye canonically favors Jon over Elias/Jonag and the fact that the lives of the assistants are tied to Jon, and see about burning the institute to weaken jonah further. if Jon was more powerful/favored, perhaps he could supercede jonah's power and thus, when jonah died, the lives of the institute employees could be tied to Jon instead? or something? i wasnt sure, esp w Jon being less favorable/weaker in this fic than canon.

the ending bit i was excited for was the unknowing, and everything that came after was just sort of ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

.....well! that's everything, i think! not all the way polished, but these were the ideas i had for how beholden would have gone. i also had two scenes half-written for the next chapter, and a random scene of flashbacks written on how the original cast died (written before daisy died in canon). i might post that as well, like, later

if you've read this far, thanks for still being interested in beholden! i cant express enough how grateful i am for all the support i received on this fic, including the fact that im receiving comments on it even now. it was a lot of fun to work on, even if i dont plan on finishing it. i hope seeing my notes, however patchy, helps you get a bit of closure on how this fic would have gone!

and, finally, if you'll allow me to be a bit silly: i love you, Beholden. sorry for never getting around to wrapping you up, but im so proud of you and grateful to you for existing. youre the most writing ive ever done in a single piece, and im thrilled to have you to show for how much i can get done if i really put my mind to it