#ive been feeling depressed as shit lately
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might actually (happy) cry, i missed school today and two different people texted me right when school ended to ask if i was okay, and another friend who doesnt go to the same school asked the same when i mentioned i skipped today. the two at school ive only known a couple months, and the one at a different school i only became closer friends this past year and a half. i honestly love my friends so much
#tumblr was right#the mordifying ordeal of being known opens the door to the beautiful ordeal of being loved#honestly i miss them and im glad im only skipping the one day#im gonna hug them all next time i see them#ive been feeling depressed as shit lately#and seeing their text notifications every day helps so mych#much*#they make going to my classes bearable#even fun sometimes#graduation be damned#im keeping these friends#im keeping them so close to me#every friend ive made in the past 4 years has changed my life#and i would do anything to make sure theyre okay#if i knew what having a crush was i would probably have crushes on all of them
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Methinks its time to move back home actually
#i talked to my aunt about it and honestly like. i might as well#im broke im in a bunch of debt i have no access to medical insurance so i cant get therapy im alone depressed and my bills are always late#and ive been stuck in my apartment for months bc of this ridiculous registration shit for my car#so as much as i dont want to sell my car OR move im. thinking about it now#like at least id have the house almost to myself since my sibling moved out#and i could make the upstairs my own pretty much. plus ive been meaning to jelp renovate up there so#why not#plus i can save for tattoo stuff properly#i just feel like im giving up i was trying to prove i could care for myself and#I feel like ive proven km incapable pf being an adult bc of this it sucks#but at least my ma and my aunt are willing to help me as i figure shit out. im lucky to have them#mag.txt
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"im gonna stay up with you all night!"
#pokemon#ev#umbreon#my art#quick redraw bc i feel like ive just been posting mostly depressing shit for ef lately😩#the kids#the family
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Happy 10th birthday to The Song Ever
#guys can u believe its been 10 years i feel so old bsksdjlka#ylvis#what does the fox say#my art#artists on tumblr#sketch#gonna write a novel in the tags now so:#i havent drawn anything in a few months bc ive been dealing with medical stuff#this sketch was supposed to become a full painting and it was gonna be awesome and the composition was gonna be great etc etc#this sketch has been in my files since late june lmao thats how long its been since i drew anything#so yes i am very disappointed that i couldnt finish it but since it's such a momentus occasion I thought I'd post this mess anyway :')#I just really wanted to commemorate it as (and sorry for getting all depressing here lol) ...#... it was kinda the last thing that brought me a whole lot of joy before a lot of shit started going on in the family that basically ...#... ended my childhood (metaphorically)#anyways i loved it when it came out i listened to it constantly along with their song stonehenge (which i still listen to occasionally hjsd#and truckers hitch when that came out about a year later i think#ANYWay sorry for rambling and being a sad little guy in the tags lol enjoy the art and listen to the song :D
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btw to anyone ive ever accidentally ghosted and to all my followrs who are expecting art and writing instead of the occasional reblog. i am so sorry for inactivity
#ive been in like#a really#really bad depression lately#i cant create i cant write or draw w/o feeling queasy#the shit w my disc acc + school stuff + shit w friends is stressing me out#god man it felt so fucking hard just to get to friday#i'm trying i swear guys. im sowwry#flippy.txt
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🤹
#bo posting#vent#i was gonna posy this with a picture of croutons but that felt wrong shxjdh#uh im. scared i wont be able to draw again consistently for a while#i think im really accepting just how burnt out i am#i dont like the fear. anxiety. and envy ive been bottling up about drawing lately#like its not doing me any good to avoid everything artistic just bc i cant draw rn#but im... afraid that this will last for a long time#the last time this happened i barely drew for 2 years straight#i dont think im conveying just how painful and stressful this actually is. im not okay and im struggling to accept this#and its fucking depressing too?? i feel miserable knowing i cant do shit for my ocs and cant contribute creatively w friends#i just... feel like im... like not fun to be around rn ig? like a killjoy? a haunting presence who cant offer anything new or fun#im really debating reaching out and offering refunds to people who commed me#at least if they dont want to keep waiting#because idk when ill be able to get them done and i feel incredibly guilty#🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠
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tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(
#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever#and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!!#i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved#and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad#like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause#unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided#to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also#but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee#i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested#man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading#and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier#and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!!#i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago#and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man#u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever#insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc#ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone#gn#.vent
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#had the worst day ever#last week things got a little better but today just destroyed all the progress i made#its so FRUSTRATING#how emotionally unstable i am 🫠#like idek if im just overly sensitive or ive really just been let down over and over again#and like bc of this i KNOW i shouldn’t expect ANYTHING at all not even human decency from others#but i still have hope unfortunately so i get crushed every time something goes wrong (all the time everyday)#today i woke up early to go run some errands and got home late at night#and the whole day i only had one piece of bread and iced tea#and like. i KNOW this is exactly why i feel awful and terrible and everything is shit#which is why its even more frustrating bc i can’t do anything about it when im this depressed rn…#and like . its really annoying that everything is just going so wrong that i give up on it all bc i just can’t deal with anything#i don’t even have my best friend anymore to complain to#i really really reallly can’t do this alone but ig this is how it’ll be for a long time#it’s been like this since early july… honestly i don’t even think things will get any better soon#seeing how even tho i made some progress last week i lost it all now and i will keep losing it over and over again#im going crazy really#and i wish my parents would stop making me feel guilty that im depressed#like genuinely what do you want me to do about it?????#you get annoyed at me when i don’t eat the food you make when u know im insane and paranoid and cannot eat this ive told u a million times#and the worst thing is that they KNOW what i like and eat but they don’t make it ever they keep making the food i can’t eat#like u can’t expect me to go inside the kitchen and make it myself bc i will literally pass out and die#im not kidding when i say this bc so many times i try and i really faint bc of the distress it makes me feel#i feel like this might sound extremely stupid to anyone who hasn’t experienced it but that’s just how it is here#anyway im gonna go to sleep now even tho im probably gonna die of frustration#i don’t think i’ll even wake tomorrow x_x my head feels like it might explode any second now#we have a family gathering tomorrow but im ditching them so ill probably just sleep until tuesday 😀 great#(i say this bc its 7am rn… by tomorrow i mean today but it’s tomorrow in my head bc im still up)
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#VENT IN TAGS#OH i love doing this#my feelings about my depression atm feel so weeird#im just mad#like its so annoying to have to keep picking myself back up lol#i wish i could just function and regulate myself better? im really bad at it#its like#i can do all this shit that helps me get out of all of the different this affect me#but its so easy for me to get lost in the depression and to not do that#like i forget that when im like literally just confused with my emotions and in a fog and i dont want to do things im interested in#and not able to fight this boredom i call it ive been out of therapy a long time idk therapy speak anymore but this lack of socal wtv#thing idk ANYWAYS but i KNOW things i can do to help myself to get out of that#i havent been lately and idk#im in a moment of clarity but trying to get back into#a routine since moving out i havent had one or the one ive had is like not good for me leading me to a bad state of self#i need to get back on vitamins and shit i might take gaba and htp 5 again and i know im deficient in like vitamin#b12 and vitamin d and magnesium but since i moved i havent reupped my supply lmao and its been over a year!! RIP i did this but#i dont have a great social life? i have strong family and a loving bf and close friend but a lot of its complicated and i struggle#communicating online (LOL THIS SUCKS NO? I CAN WORK ON IT IG BUT LIKEAAAA--) and i basically only wanna talk to people IRL but im home#constantly so i just have no one to talk to but im like a fucking old person annoyed that they live in a digital world#like I HATE THIS GRR THESE KIDS and the these kids are my parents and friends and shit like its completely a me issue but my brain is like#my brain feels useless s#my brain feels useless and like im unmedicated but also not on the suppliments i should be on and also doing things like#being up to date on news and specifically negative news and like focusing a lot of my energy on that for some gd reason like im aware ive#been into that but i am like#this is me being like ok rose im ready to go back to myself again#ye
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Vent journal time babeyyyy
#i think the big quote is by one of the gallagers but idk which lmao#from a 2017 copy of NME i remember it so vividly ???#the old gods sticker is by Rogue Prints Co#the eden quote is my writing from 2017 also from nme#the good mental health line was from another old magazine about toursim in the city i used to live in (from an article on gardening)#tapes from paperchase (rip)#help us lines are from an old leaflet on social care i found at work#if anyone cares about any of that lmao#ive been feeling A Lot lately#about a lot of different things#and i haven't worked through most of it and im not aboit to start right this minute since im in a good mood rn#but lately I've felt crushed and numb and empty#i haven't been enjoying anything#every day I've pushed myself to do things that are meant to be good#ive been on top of doing my teeth and washing my hair#writing my diary and my duolingo practice#washing my face and reading and going to bed before 1am and eating fruit and veg#but i just feel like shit#every day i spend time outside and i exercise and idk i just do “what youre supposed to do” to fix depression#tryna CBT myself and it's failing hard lmao#i feel happy for a while and it fades away and im miserable again#i smile at everyone and i eat properly and talk to people and go through the motions of geing a human who isn't#isn't trying to worry anyone about how numb they feel#im just very good at looking like im happy when i actually feel very indifferent#and like im fine i feel okay right now but just ugh can i skip to the bit where i feel emotions besides apathy again please lmao#anyway#chloe's diary#journal#scrapbook#vent post
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I’ll be ur friend 🥺
okay😊😊
#asks#i have friends. but at the same time it feels like i dont. i feel like i have like... acquaintances#idk. my circle isnt as tight as it used to be? i feel like i have no one to talk to anymore.i feel like i have nothing n no one lately#actually its been feeling that way all year (last year i guess)#idk. im so lonely anymore.i guess ive just been depressed#all i do is get up and go to work n then go home and repeat#not like anythings changed much its just i have a job#i wish i had been able to make friends#i need some kind of change but thats not happening in a shit dump town like this
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#ngl ive been feeling super depressed lately about. Everything. and these characters tragic canon shit is not helping :(#im being driven to thinking about ditto/eon/garchomp polycule au....
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hmm
#weird thing ive noticed#so when i was Really Severely Depressed in high school#i used an app called daylio to journal my emotions n shit#and my most common entry was 'neutral'#which i always defined as ':/'#but then later when i was more recovered i realised that that 'neutral' was actually Bad#idk how else to describe it other than- feeling nothing or less than nothing or simply an absence of happiness#i just thought 'well i dont feel Good™ so clearly this is neutral'#when really my 'neutral' should really be Okay instead of Meh :/#took me a long time to say 'i feel okay'#like genuinely that was a massive milestone was saying 'i feel *okay*'#not 'i feel happy' or 'i feel good' but just. okay#turns out 'okay' is the neutral for most people. not :/#so now whenever i get days where i'm :/#i'm able to say 'i feel Bad' without even having to think hard#(honestly I say a lot of 'i feel' phrases a LOT. it's like.. the only way for me to process shit?)#(like- 'i'm tired' or 'i'm hungry'- i'll say them out loud without even physically noticing the feeling)#(and my brain goes 'oh yeah! we are! we should fix that' that's how i exist)#but i've noticed i've been saying 'i don't feel good' way more frequently lately#probably the seasonal depression idk#idk if i actually have acutal seasonal depression tbh coz my depression was way more general and not time-based#but i've been calling it seasonal depression coz it's just#mounting anxiety and dread bc i know winter is Bad For My Health#idk.#you know. i was supposed to be set up with a therapist back in august.#fuckers never called me back.#sucks too coz that counseling center actually had a booth at Pride when i went so i was really excited to go there :/
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gonna be real here folks i think smth might really be up with me. in the physical sense this time . ouchie
#is it that ive never fully noticed or is this a recent development. im not even sure at this point#hm.. the chair i usually sit in does have zero back support but u would think that itd be noticable . earlier ?#ngl part of me wonders if i Did catch covid sometime and im dealing w the longterm shit now#itd make sense. unfortunately#but ive also but tired to the point of passing out in classes since senior year. maybe late junior year even#so yknow (shrug emoji)#that means ive been feeling like this for . good lord its been over 2 years. 3?#kind of. depressing. now that i think abt it. what happened to me#can one event cause this much or was it a bunch of things piling up...... hm........#anyway. on top of the usual fatigue my back has been noticably hurting for a few weeks now . mmm not great#i already have a hard time w sleep n now just layin down hurts can i Please get some some rest . plea se
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thank you for telling me i have isekai protagonist syndrome whilst also being extremely forgettable & constantly used lol
#i like lumine dont get me wrong but like..... out of all possible results..... i do wish i got someone a lil more interesting#but tbh.. im always the background friend that ppl dont rly remember until they're bored or need smth so like... it checks out ngl#at least lumine has paimon tho ig#i dont mean to sound so depressed but given the shit ive been struggling w lately this just.. kinda didnt help out lol#my friend got beidou ffs i was like wtf she's so cool#anyway the results do feel kinda accurate and its prob my fault for making weird choices anyway so#aerinposting#genshins1mpact#aerin.jpg#quizzes#results#extensive genshin kin quiz#aerin.jpeg#sourced content#it's in the hyperlink/source btw
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ack
#vent#ive been feeling kind of bad lately#sometimes i just get into this depressive state and i feel like shit for a few weeks#idk#im feeling kind of dysphoric#i dont know how much all the misgendering i get actually affects me until i think about it#and obviously nobody is going to use my neopronouns#like sometimes i have to remind myself that#im charlie#im a guy#its hard being on my own about this but i also feel like im being annoying if i ask for validation#but i would like to hear it from somebody else bc like.... idk#i just dont feel like the people around me care at all#im gonna go to bed good night i love you
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