#ive been told im too much so many times | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thatgirlinskullz · 2 years

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i can feel like shit for a full day, and all it takes is for him to say "i love you" and i feel better instantly...

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nina-ya · 1 month

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do yall ever have a friend who's making the stupidest mistake and you can't do anything but watch the inevitable car crash just happen

#nina rambles~✦#like ive told her so many times #dont get with him #but she just keeps getting back with him #and ugh #relationships like these where you go back and back to the person who hurts you is such a vicious cycle #and ive been throught that which is why I'm doing my best to help her out of it #but she's too blinded by his sheer toxic behavior and thinks of it as love #and theres only so much i can do #and this dude just apologized to me #what? Does he think im going to accept his thinly veiled apology?#and hes only apologizing to me beause I'm her best friend #fuck off actually lmao #why apologize to me? im not the one you hurt. but I am the one with the common sense to see right through your bullshit.#do you think if you go 'oh but I've been making amends' that I'm going to turn to my friend and go 'okay never mind he's an amazing guy'#fuck all the way off #okay im done now LMAO

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im-still-watching-anime · 2 months

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one piece is crazy fr like what do you mean you’re following up Everyone’s Dead™️ with Objectifying Women: The Arc™️

#bruh :/#im bout to vent cause im mad about it rn sorry #op fans there are many good elements to your series outside of this and i love u sorry im about to talk shit about it #pls abandon ship now and stop reading my tags to avoid if you want #anyway #once i put a certain amount of time into something i usually commit to finishing it #but this arc is like 👌 this close to making me abandon the whole series like wtf is this #i know i KNOW sexist shit is like practically unavoidable in anime but this is a LOT jesus christ #i want to punch a WALL #like wtf do you think women ARE #i want to attack and kill #everyone who has ever told me that naruto is worse than one piece about women owes me 500 dollars rn #like it’s BAD and i would have been mad about this either way #but i think im extra salty because ive had SO many people praise one piece women at me #and i was like doubtful cause ya know LOOK at them #but i LISTENED because everyone was so insistent the women are good and it’s not bad with that kinda thing #which was a BETRAYAL because seriously wtf is this😤#ughhhhh i CANT watch this HOW am i supposed to watch this #why do i have to watch the creepy island of women cluelessly mess with unconscious mans dick trope i canttttttttt #the answer is i DONT have to watch it and i want to STOP #how are yall watching this i still havent even forgiven thriller barks invisible man nami bath scene #like yall i canttttttttt #my ‘fiction that treats women like shit’ tolerance is too low for this #ughhh really at a loss here because so much time already committed and i was enjoying it aside from this #but i really CANNOT keep watching if the bar gets any lower and idk if it even CAN get lower #sorry sorry okay vent over this just #REALLY pissed me off #cause it kinda blindsided me i think

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faaun · 1 month

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ok let's catch up quickly

#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth #(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian #like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told #him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive #fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research #(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux #to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him #my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept #insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them #and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating #apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they #keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading #this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY #JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT #NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn #this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore #i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt #himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure #even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin #right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love #her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her #its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking #kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD #i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society #feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO #WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best #its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good #one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much

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coridallasmultipass · 1 month

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I am once again begging online shop payment processing companies to allow me to enter a separate name for shipping and separate name for billing!!

It's the same address, I'm just trans and have not legally changed my personal name, but I still prefer to receive mail as my preferred name! Like it's literally my professional name, I do business as my preferred name.

Annoying as fuck, and I don't want to chance my bank rejecting the payment (though I'm sure someone at my bank has put a note to allow it on my account by now, since I've contacted them a couple times before when I realized too late that the billing section didn't let me input another "address/name" section, and they said the payment was fine in those cases.)

Anyway, legal name changes should be free and non-advertised for everyone. Tbh, you should get a free name change every time you file your taxes on time as an incentive for good citizen behaviour. Once I am elected pres-

#i think the one i just used didnt even have a separate billing address option which makes no sense #guess they dont want anyone giving any gifts making the buyer pay twice for shipping like that #maybe it was a fault of the mobile browser but i highly doubt it since many desktop sites look like mobile browsers these days #just so fucking frustrating. what if i lived somewhere where my legal name would out me? (im in the closet rn so doesnt matter)#i dont want to fucking see my legal name. im already forced to see it everywhere else.#i dont wanna ruin my mood on a day when im supposed to be getting a package which should be a happy thing yknow #vent #transphobia #speaking of like i would change my name but i dont want to and cant afford the fucking ridiculous price for it #and i dont wanna advertise it in a newspaper either! shits expensive as fuck on top of the hundreds to file the court paperwork!#i already tried to do it once with money in hand and the receptionist told me that even tho it was for gender identity i could not...#...avoid the newspaper thing unless i also changed my legal gender marker. and i had to back out bc i have reproductive health problems #i dont want a gender marker change to fuck with my getting healthcare #(i did change the gender letter on my ID card later tho which only took a signature on a paper no hassle with anything)#it really really fucking sucks how all these little things add up all the time #especially when im closeted while living w family who wont even use my preferred name #the real kicker is that. both my dad and his dad used preferred names. my dad used his middle name #and i use part of my middle name. yet my dad even in death still gets the dignity of being called his preferred name and i dont #sexism at its finest #reasons why i dont even hint at being trans around my moms side bc i already got bullied by them for wanting to use my middle name #ive literally been asking them to call me my mid name since i was 12. and theyve been acting like im trying to be someone else #its the same middle name on my birth certificate they gave me. i dont understand why they wouldnt want me to use it #but yeah i stay closeted bc i dont wanna deal with the name drama amplified exponentially for gender #prob get kicked out too cuz theyre queerphobic as fuck and i cant work rn and dont have a car #id have to just go full feral and live in the woods with the lizards where i belong #Cori.exe #Post.exe #fuck lol just looked it up and u cant change ur first name if u get married. i cant avoid the fucking fee man. let me be cori #literally why is it cheaper to get married than change ur first name! bullshit! marriage has so much more legal implications #transphobic queerphobic aromanticphobic privacyphobic poorphobic shit ass fucking state ive literally been cori most of my life ffs cmon

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bibimbinge · 1 month

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tired of being called inconsiderate and rude the second I say something thats not exactly in a nice tone when my brain is working 3× more to be considerate of everyone and everything else 99% of the time.

#i feel like im actually going insane #my own sister backs up her husband (who i now see in a different light ((negative)) over me #and I was understanding at first. fine. maybe I do need to pick up after myself more maybe i am messy #and my friends and family even told me that because theyve brought it up so many times now maybe i am the problem and thats okay #so i. like yeah. okay i take up too much space. i'll step back. i stay out more. i'll clean my dishes right after i use them #i already do all that #and then today she DOES IT AGAIN!! and i broke down cause she basically said this is the last warning #you need to start looking for a new place (ive been saving up PENNIES for years. it'll take 3 full months of salary to even rent a ROOM)#it took me even longer cause i was unemployed for 6 months and had to use EVERYTHING I HAD SAVED #and i gave up. im back at home and i gave in. i took a video of my room and the living room and asked my friend #is there really anything else i have to do because i am TIRED AND I CANT SEE WHATS WRONG AND WHATS MESSY PLEASE #because fuck i feel like im actually INSANE cause the way my sister has been wording it to me its like im so messy #and my friend just replies..... i am so sorry for ever being on your sisters side because you are not messy at all #and the RELIEF i felt. the weight off my shoulders LIFTED OFF INSTANTLY #IM NOT CRAZY!!! IM NOT MESSY!! IM HUMAN AND NORMAL #im just so upset right now cause it just dawned on me that.... not a single person in my famiy has my back the way i have theirs #not even my own sister.... and im tired.#personal

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montanamp3 · 4 months

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tatimaxxing (something big just happened to me but i can't talk about it on this blog because ive posted face)

#my friend's in the hospital again so i spent 20 on an uber with my other friend to go see her #but by the time we got there visiting hours were over 😭#so we just had dinner at the park #and i told her about The Big Terrible Thing for the first time #straight through without embellishment! yay! i think at least #because ive retold the story in so many different ways that im not actually sure what happened anymore #she was like super chill about it though!! and was like im really impressed that you actively made an effort to not be [REDACTED]#not really what she said more like Making An Effort to No Longer [Redacted]#redacted as an action not as a noun blah blah you know #and she told me about how shes faced discrimination at our super homogeneously chinese church which i feel REALLY BAD ABOUT BUT I DON'T KNOW #HOW TO EXPRESS IT TO HER OR WHAT TO SAY ABOUT IT 😭😭😭😭 GIRL HELP #im being so useless and chinese about it 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i don't know how to talk to people about things that matter #and idk like ok v non-tatimaxxing of me to say but ive been so self centered and going Wahhh these normies will never experience my #Deep Secret Emotions unlockable only by spending too much time on tumblr as a child #on the other hand i feel like once this has gotten out of the way i don't really have an excuse for not connecting with my church friends #yknow. like i don't have to hide this from them any more #they're great people!! and they're going through so much and I need to be there for them but I couldn't even get tothe stupidhospital on tim #not cry typing just ran out of space #anyway I wish I could care more about them I wish I could make genuine connections without having to lie to feel some sort of weird #rush of power over them because I know the truth and they don't when I lie so much I don't even know what the truth is #I've been putting my face on here more lately because I want to be genuine and I want to not hide things #but idk if it'll work I think it might just make me unemployable 😭😭😭#cc diary

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softshuji · 9 months

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y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.

#i was thinking abt it earlier #but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why #actually i do kinda know why.#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me #earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject #too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i #was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often #especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d #everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just #cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even #consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural #but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other #peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something #something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they #move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less #sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can #always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response #and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone #it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything #not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i #feel like im not actually being heard or listened to #and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore #god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it #for everyone else all the time #is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say #this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice #god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover #and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel #like they actually like me

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strwbrymlkshake · 6 months

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I am trying so hard but it still isn't ENOUGH FOR YOU? DON'T YOU SEE HOW HARD I'VE BEEN TRYING?

#mine #normally i've been good about not being too upset over things #but oh fucking boy. okay. im glad people are scared of me #i hope they know that im the only right one in the whole world and they are wrong and are justified for fearing me and im glad my existence #will turn them off from sharing their wrong opinions. but oh FUCKING BOY? ive been sitting here the whole time like oh they hate me #oh they hate me so much they want me to die wahhh and im trying to do all the things they like because im for some reason fucking bothered #by their other opinions. even though the people themselves are useless trash #and oh. like i was suspecting it but its finally confirmed huh??? you all cant fucking stand the sight of me because im right?#you dont understand the truth?? they hated him because he told them the truth? thats me as fuck rn dude #i am literally gracing your eyes with the content i make and basically hand feeding you the correct opinions to have #and yet you still reject them! people just love being stupid unfortunately. i want to kill them all.#i would be so much nicer if you all just agreed with me on the objective truth but unfortunate you have to be stupid #i have graced you with so many GIFTS and protected you from my wrath so many times but you do not even give a fuck #WHY AM I CRYING. YOU ARE ALL SO USELESS WHY AM I CRYING!!! MAYBE ITS BECAUSE YOU DONT AGREE?#i guess im crying because they are all so stupid #so what im saying is its very unfortunate that everyone does not worship me and all my opinions and the world is very hard. yes.#friendship ended with self hatred now delusions of grandeur are my new best friend #even trhing to explain myself makes me sound like a shithead but i swear to fuck if you all just listened to me like youre supposed to #then absolutely nothing would ever go wrong! but you all had to be stupid on purpose! do you like being wrong? whats your problem #explaining all the reasons im RIGHT and yet i still feel bad for having the gall to do so. i shouldnt feel bad. im doing great. youre just #uncomfortable in the fact that YOURE wrong and making me have to accomodate you for your wrongness? tf is that about #okay lunatic rant over i have finished crying ☝️

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tokyoteddywolf · 6 months

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22 isn't very much at all, I think.

#5am rambles #anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out #first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay #cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope #i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.

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wr0ngwarp · 1 year

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over the past 3 days i have been playing Super Monkey Ball: Banana Mania as beat and doing all the SMB1 challenge modes. beat im so sorry for rapturing you to monkey heaven. video games are scary

edit of first image i made after ACCIDENTALLY RESTARTING MASTER MODE several painful hours in under the cut (eyestrain warning):

As you can see i did not take it well

#jet set radio #jsr beat #super monkey ball #super monkey ball: banana mania #beat jsr #im like. totally incapable of getting banana mania beat's proportions right; ''chibi'' stuff is hard for me LOL #also like hope you guys like the ugly fucked up crusty looking brush ive been using lately #cuz it is FUN to use esp for quick art that isnt necessarily needed to look Good #so you are going to be seeing a lot of it.#anyway i told myself i probably wouldn't play the smb2 stages cuz i have played most of them In smb2 story mode #(i never got to see most of the later smb1 stages bc of not being good enough at the game)#but today i did casual/beginner and normal/advanced so. well. chances are im gonna do the other smb2 stages too #though honestly? i don't like smb2's stages as much as smb1's #cuz a lot of them are like... really big and rely heavily on timing gimmicks with moving parts and sometimes buttons #just not my thing as much yknow?#also while i feel awesome about how well i did on my second smb1 master mode attempt im sad i didnt finish the first one tbh #on my second run i did stamina master in TWO TRIES WHAT THE FUCK #but... i kinda really was curious how many times i died to that stage on my first run ..........#also i dont remember the exact number bc i didnt save a screenshot but in case youre curious #i died nearly 1000 fucking times on expert mode LMAO #They Don't Lie. That Exam-C Really Is Difficult.#...also. yeah. i did play banana mania specifically just because beat's in it and im in a jsr hypfix. dont judge me

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mejomonster · 1 year

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I'm so tired

#rant #i need a break. like a big break break #i been reflecting on a lot and maybe i still give away too much of my energy despite how much Me Alone time i plan #like i very rarely have a friend who schedules time with me themselves. makes time in their schedule to accomodate when I Am free #drives themselves. who would wait and not cqncel on me if i was running 2 hours late and had to shuffle plans #(i never do that. but i hqve many friends who shuffle plans the day before the day of and for the whole week so its convienient #and works around their schedule. but for mine i set a plan and DO it qnd dont cancel on people unless im sick)#im just tired. i wanted to go somewhete big with a friend and they cqncelled and want it reschedulef #and im kinda like why dont i just fucking go alone. i have to drive hours either way #at least alone im not bending my plans over multiple days until something finallh works #i think its good to work around friends and help be flexible so yall can hang out #but like. idk ive been reflecting and notice. i do it a lot for other people #but most people i know arent doing it back for me.#i think if i told mosg of them i was busy? they wouldnt even put in the effort to reschedule. theyd just give up trying to hang out with me

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wabblebees · 2 years

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just finished my first playthrough of disco elysium. guys. wgat the fuck

#loved it. so much. aaaaugh.#i wish i could eat it #its so good. its so good #im feeling. so many things #gwaargdjbwrfbgrrrsgr.#my brain feels like it was run through the dryer withiut anything to help with the static. fluffy and warm and electric-y #(potential spoilers ahead ? but not really->)#a bigass bug just told me to get over my ex and go forward and i cried #also the fuckign. game company's tagline at the end of the credits said ''mankind be vigilant; we loved you'' & that almost made me cry too #especially after reading smth v similar in-game -- which DID make me full cry at the time lol #''i need you. you can keep me on this earth. be vigilant. i love you.''#aUgHHGhg #i tried vv hard+did my vv best for this first time around. & i think i ? did okay ?? solved the case found the things helped the people etc #but also. holy SHIT im glad i could go back to my beloved quicksaves. idc idc idc if thats save-scumming or w/ever #there was one rly important check i failed the first time and i Would Not have been able to leave it like that and just. continue.#HOWEVER. now that ive finished the game i am SO ready to fuck around+find out a lil more. loosen up #get weird w it lmfao #anyway. this game fucked severely + also fucked with my brain. all the chemicals in there are different now #i can see why people on here have brainworms about it now #bee speaks

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k0kichiimagines · 2 years

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sometimes i think i am a little insane

#thinking about when i was 14 and got truly convinced everyone was out to get me #i used to get the whole house multiple times i was convinced someone broke in and only i knew and it was my responsibility #and that my family wasn't my family theyd all been replaced or one or two and again i was the only one who knew and it was my fault #and also that every food was poisoned and trying to kill me #and everyone was secretly hating me to the point of all working together to mock me and make me think they liked me #and one day everyone would all gather to laugh at me #it sounds insane but no i truly believed this i would have panic attacks every day multiple times a day 😭#never told anyone because again i was convinced everyone was out to get me #ive had it milder since i was a child and i still sometiems get these insane thoughts but a lot less #sometimes i think im hallucinating #like smthing happens to someone and theyre fine but im half convinced im just hallucinating and theyre actually dead or kidnapped #i feel like i should put a tw on this ?? cause people who have delusions and psychosis it might not be good for them to read it #tw delusions #cw delusions #tw paranoia #i had no many nightmares #om that was a horrible time ive blocked half off it out #or i would be sure people would die in their sleep and have to keeo making sure they were breathing #or that my heart was beating i was waiting to drop dead any second #theres too much now i talk about it om i had so many other things 😭#its probably symptoms of some mental disorder but tbh idrc what 😭😭

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earlyspringtranscendence · 2 years

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i wish betting on wrestling was like a thing because while i would never win if i bet on anything else (am bad at recognising patterns that actually mean anything) i would cash in soooooo much because i can ALWAYS tell when a jericho feud’s gonna run way too long again 😌

#hello hi . im stressed out this fair sunday evening #feel like im failing at school already its been like a month and yet #one of my teachers v much implied i'd fail her assignment if i didnt do a bunch of extra shit and like #theres reasons for it that i can see from her side but theres also just the issue that i told her about of like #i just dont know how to work with that many materials and slash or i cant go out and buy all these things right now #and then she's like well go down to xyz and ask them to do it for you and its like honey i dont know why you think we've got such a like #mutually beneficial relationship going on between all the applied and fine arts in this school like #thats a fiction that lives in your head ... especially after we just didn't exist in this school for a whole year #and anyway. i went ahead and tried some different materials and its just like. you cant make up what an insane failure thats been #and its not that i didnt try my best its just that like idk what she wants from me #cause anyway theres a reason i picked the materials that i did the first time round #changing those just kinda changes the meaning of the thing in general... which is something SHE teaches us #anyway. and tomorrow i have class w someone who i'm Difficult with (as in like i have a hard time around her im not purposefully difficult)#(its just that she makes me feel that way cause of the 'tism and cause of the fact she thinks she knows how to handle the 'tism)#(she doesnt)#and again i did a lot of work for her im just sure she's gonna expect me to have done more #but in my defense. i need to go to the doctor and see if they can prescribe me some form of ritalin bc my exhaustion was so bad last wk #and has been bad for a hot second lately #and theres really only so much i can do with the spoons at hand #anyway. and im also Sad Right Now because ive been ignored and interrupted while saying things a little too frequently recently #and im not laughing. im having a Time.#i didnt even have that bad of a week all things considered but goddd i need a break

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nomairuins · 27 days

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i do need 2 work on rewiring my brain so that my immediate very first thought whenever i dont do a small task (like brushing ny teeth taking a shower picking up my room etc) isnt 'We Should Kill Connor ." this would be pretty good for me to do. putting this on the list

#its difficult. i used to be rly good abt not doing kms type jokes bc i did when i was younger and then i stopped bc of um . stuff #nd i think it rly was good for me nd then ykw started making them a LOT and now i do them constantly and ik itis bad for me like. as a guy #whos been suicidal since i was 7. yk. ik itisnt good for me but its hard #idk. i need 2 try 2 stop making them again. like idt ppl who make them r evil I personally dont tend to use them very seriously #it rly is judt a like. Ugh something annoying happened i should kms. but like. witht he we should kill connor joke its Less and less a joke #and more just feeding into ummmmm. the bad parts of my thing that i have to be vague abt so ppl dont worry.#Im not planning anything its not that. its just a belief i have that is ummm concerning to many but very comforting to me and keeps me sane #but i dont like 2 talk abt it . bc ppl tend to get worried its rly not anything that bad its judt likeee. I know that thing is true and #there isnt anything i can do to stop it from happening so i made peace with it ages ago and its comforting that i dont have 2 like. worry #abt whatll happen bc ik whatll happen #sry im being vague ive like. i think ive mentioned it a couple times and ppl get very concerned (my old psych literally told me verbatim #That sounds so terrifying.) and likeee. there have been times its scared me a lot like i can remember a few times i woke up having a panic #attack bc i didnt want to do it but i know thats whatll happen and its fine. but it wont be any time soon #it keeps me from doing anything honestly bc like. why rush FJFNFJNFNik itll happen eventually no matter what i do so even when it gets bad #enough i think abt it im like. yk. it helps. i kind of lost a bit of vagueness. please dont worry abt it fr like. it keeps me sane it keeps #me calm. but anyways i say all this to sayyyy that like. idk it might be a while b4 i commit to trying to stop making jokes like that just #bc like. i have a lot of other stuff abt me i need 2 fix first but i think it would probably be good for me if i stopped. sigh. which suck #bc like its been said time and time again that like. Im going to kms is just like. it encapsulates feelings very well there r like no other #exclamations that fit. aside from the like. Krill my shellfish type things but thats the reason i slipped back into just saying kms in rhe #first place so. UGH. and theres so many fucking stupid tjmblr ones. like no im not going to sub Kys for Go step on a lego >_< bc like... im #not 1. 5 or 2. 27. the 2 ages i think ppl would say shit like that.#sry my vendetta against 27 year olds is neverending idk i just dont like whatever happens to tumblr users of dhat age. ive mentioned it #several times inwont go into it and im probably near out of tags anyway #ive got 7 more spend em wisely one supposes. idk. its just difficult. ik its judt words and shit and im sure i cn come up with good #alternatives. theres judt like not any rhat r like the same vibe without also reinforcing My stuff in an unhealthy way. idk. idkk #like not that making kms jokes is gonna make me do it anytime soon but like yk . ik i cant blame my self loathing spike on this alone #bc ive like. Beeeeeeeen going through some stuff thats contributing way more #but i do think before i started making these jokes again my self loathing and like. rhe amt of time i thought abt it was less . idk #sui ment #<- jic i tried not to be like. too much. but you know

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