#ive been wanting to talk about art so much and I was struggling to find the right place to

[critter-wizard]

ep 43 had me tearing up in a fucking shopping centre ‼️‼️

b+w alt version that I truly couldn't decide if I liked it more . Also I included a lot of thoughts in the tags but they're somewhat incoherent<3

[solstrix]

Lately on my art journey

My spring uni semester has begun, and with it, I fear the momentum that carried me during the break is starting to fade. I have much to do in very little time (spring classes are like that), so I might be less active artwise, and especially on here...

But I refuse to be inactive. Here's what's been going on:

During my break between semesters, I got back into working on my comic. I am very fond of that story and of its characters, but I had found myself in a several-months-long block of working on it. There were a couple reasons for this. The first and most legitimate was that between work and study, I didn't have much time or energy to dedicate to comic-making. But the second and less legitimate reason, was perfectionism. Because the comic had now become a labour of a couple of years, and I want it to be the best I can possibly make it, which meant I feared even the slightest imperfection on my part. And the longer I went without drawing, the more I felt I was rusty and incapable of doing that project justice.

Here's the thing I think people don't tend to emphasize enough about perfectionism, and something I've recently had to learn the hard way: perfectionism is not a strength. Perfectionism is a poison that undermines and delegitimizes your skill and the work you put into something. Things are worth making and putting out there even if they are flawed.

Being suddenly without a job, and out of classes, gave me the boost I needed to get back to work on comics, which made me discover my next weakness; perspective. Turns out that figuring out a scene's perspective is something my brain really truly struggles with. I tried and tried, using rulers and perspective tools and rules to turn my rough sketches into proper perspective, but it never seemed to work the way it should. the angles just did not gel. At this point I remembered I had built the comic's setting, a victorian manor, in the sims 4 for this exact reason. Still, this felt like cheating, but I've come to terms with it. Tracing the angles of a screenshot in perspective allows me to get the panel to a satisfactorily finished state, and in time, will train my eye to find these perspective lines by itself. Using these screenshots is not a crutch, it's a tool, it's training wheels. There's nothing wrong with it.

The comic is still a long ways away, but I cannot wait to have a project up for the world to see, something I can point to as proof of my ability both to tell a story, and to bring a project to reality.

I have other things I want to say, but this post is long enough already. More to come soon!

Sincerely,

Solilakoi

[epiicaricacy-arts]

oh we’re still so young, desperate for attention

this was super experimental so i will talk about my process (+ clearer version) under the cut

i’ve been looking at a lot of “messier” or more textured painting styles recently and an artist that stuck out to me is clariondeluna ! they posted a self-portrait recently that i really liked and i was super interested in the brushwork seen in their work. i love all the textures and how the shapes feel so loose yet everything is so detailed.

that’s not a method for me at all!!!! i cannot paint like that at all and the stuff i like to paint is very different to theirs. which is okay!!!! i had no intention to copy this artists style so closely like with what i tried to do in my raiden painting, i just wanted to try this style out :^)

it’s been a goal of mine to avoid over-rendering like i tend to do a lot, and i think i’ve been doing good with that recently! the mindset i’ve got going on right now is that if i find myself staring at it too hard for too long, i have to leave it and move on. if there’s still something wrong with it, i can fix it later once ive got a fresh view!

i’ve been trying a lot of things with my art this year. i always try to challenge myself with each piece, and to end the year off i wanted to be as uncomfortable as i possibly could be with this painting. i let myself draw whatever i wanted because i still wanted to enjoy it, but everything i did in this process was new, including parts of the subject matter.

i’ve never drawn a head at an angle like this, and i struggle with drawing mouths open. i don’t do bold lighting like this, and if i do, it’s not fire. i’ve never drawn fire! i also rarely work with warm colours and i hate using green, so i combined those to be my colour palette. i like working cleanly so instead of having a dozen different layers for one section, each section only had 1-2 layers for rendering. instead of clipping masks i would simply paint over things loosely and clean it up later. i never like having limbs cut off in a drawing so i had his other arm go GOD knows where. i don’t like weird patterned backgrounds so i made myself figure out how to like it!

IS THIS MY FAVOURITE PIECE OF ALL TIME. no. absolutely not. but i’m very proud of how this came out with all the challenges i put on myself. i WANTED to get better at these things and be more broad with my art, both in terms of the styles and subjects i portray.

okay let’s talk about wtf this drawing is

for those who don’t know, the design in this painting is my fatui/“Father” lyney fan design (read the design post here). the concept isnt super complicated and i don’t really have much explanation for it, but i wanted to combine the story of how lyney wanted a delusion before getting his vision, fire eating circus acts and how olympic medalists will bite their medal to prove it’s real??? don’t quote me on that i’m like 75% sure that’s a thing that happens. i don’t watch sports though so im just believing someone i heard on the internet ages ago.

anyways. i think fire eating acts are cool. and i think the fact that lyney wanted a delusion is very interesting to me. scratches my brain in the right places. and yk as a magician lyneys character revolves a lot around fooling people and creating illusions so i guess what im saying here is that lyney is trying to prove to himself that this power he’s been bestowed is real. bc his whole life his only constant has been lynette so he is trying to see if he can trust this new power. cause i guess this is an alternate universe where lyney does eventually become “Father” but he never got his vision ??? idk im not making lore for this i just wanted to dress up this funny little guy.

ok i’m done

thanks for reading

here’s my dog

[mustainegf]

SO OBSESSED with how dave talks about his love of reading--like I just picture him grabbing small moments to have a coffee and read in between his hectic touring or recording schedules.

ok but imagine 90s dave going in a bookstore (since he is always mentioning that he likes to read and do lyric research) and he see you, you are just soooo small trying to get a book from the top shelf while the staff keep helping other customers. He loves to lend a helping hand to a pretty lady--and you are even more enchanting once he gets to really see your face. Being an experienced flirt at this point in his life he asks you about the book--you pick up a book for yourself every Monday just as a little treat. He starts to get a little anxious because you seem much more educated than him, so instead of mentioned the martial arts books he was going to pick up he lies and says he was looking for his favorite poet, who you love too. He is just SO a-flutter with your intelligent charisma that recognizes a piece of him that others don't take the time to see beyond the rockstar persona (maybe it's because you don't even recognize him!). He definitely returns the next week to try and catch you again and take things to the next level--he just happens to have a book you would love... but you have to go to his apartment to get it. oh, and it just happens to be on his nightstand.

I SCREAMED WHEN I SWEAR THIS REQ!??? HOLY SHIT THIS IS SOME OF THE BEST STUFF IVE EVER GOTTEN I LOVE THE DETAILS

PART 2?????

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐑 ¹⁹⁹⁶

𝐆𝐎 𝐓𝐎 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝟐

Monday again, a drizzly afternoon diagonally opposite LA's downtown area, both pretty anti-climactic, and I was hunting for something more. This small, inconspicuous bookstore, whose entrance is slightly concealed from the rest of the city.

It was that kind of place where I could get lost on shelves, trying to look through worlds inside pages to find inspiration for new lyrics, and maybe even learn something new about myself. Not that I was ever very open to it.

I loved the smell of books and the quiet, plus the feeling of anonymity, a great gift this place had given me. No paparazzi, no screaming fans, just me, books, and my thoughts.

Exactly how I liked it.

I pushed open the door, a soft tinkle of a bell at the entrance. That familiar smell of aged paper and polished wood grabbed me once again, and things were calm.

I walked back to where they have a small section, wanting to find a book or two on martial arts before I went on to search for inspiration.

Turning the corner, I came face to face with her.

She was tiptoeing, her fingers barely brushing the top shelf to reach a book. Petite, nearly delicate, with long hair down her shoulders. Her fingers were hardly brushing against the spine of the book she was trying to retrieve.

No one in the bookstore staff seemed to be noticing her struggle.

I held my breath for a second, enthralled by the image of her.

I finally stepped up to her with a smirk playing on the corners of my lips. "Need some help with that?" I asked, the silence broken by my voice.

She turned to look at me, her eyes grew wide with surprise. They were an exceptionally striking shade, very intelligent and knowing, as if they could see right through me.

She responded, her voice soft and melodious, "Oh, um, yes please." Her cheeks went pink, like early lilacs.

I reached up and easily grabbed the book she was after.

Our fingers brushed briefly as I handed it over to her, and a jolt of warmth went through me. "Here you go," I said, trying to maintain my cool.

"Thank you," she said, smiling up at me. Her smile was warm and real. "I pick up a new book every Monday as a little treat for myself, normally I don’t have this much trouble..." she tried her best to shrug it off, averting her gaze.

Something about her seemed interesting. She didn't seem like the kind of women that had been filling my head lately, she was classier, much more thoughtful.

"That does sound like a lovely tradition," I said, nodding at the book she held in her hand. It was some volume of classic poetry or other.

She nodded. "It helps me after a long day. There's something so soothing about a good book."

I felt a slight bit of anxiety as I realized I wanted to impress her, to let her know that there was more in me than met the eye, than just that of some rockstar persona everyone else seemed to know.

I swallowed hard and said the first thing that came into my head. "I was actually looking for my favorite poet, too." Completely disregarding the martial arts book I was searching for.

She lit up with interest. "No way, really? Who's your favorite?"

"Rainer Maria Rilke," I lied, hoping she wouldn't see through me. IT was a name I knew from a short class I took in Highschool. Though, I had been looking for some books on martial arts, but I didn't want to appear shallow or uneducated to her.

She beamed at me, clearly pleased. "Rilke is wonderful! His stuff is so well done. What poems do you like the best?"

I drew a blank as I tried to remember something, anything, about Rilke from my junior writing class. "Uh, well, definitely one of my favorites is 'The Panther.' The imagery is rich, and it does play on that sense of containment."

She nodded vigorously. "Yes, exactly! I love how he used the panther as such a perfect metaphor. So beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time."

God, the way she spoke was like butter, slipping through the cracks of my mind. She was so passionate about the poetry, that my knowledge from Highschool was slowly resurfacing.

The more we talked, the more engrained I became, smart, articulate, impassioned about this literature.

She seemed not to recognize me at all, and that was quite refreshing. It allowed me to be just Dave, the guy who enjoyed books, instead of Dave Mustaine, the Megadeth frontman. I wanted to see her again, to get to know her better. I craved it.

The following Monday, I went again to the old bookstore to look for her. I had brought with me a manuscript on which I thought she would take interest in, but I did not wish to be too obvious.

I pottered around the shop in a good feign of browsing, with my glance popping out every few seconds to await her entry through the door.

There she finally was, as lovely as she had been the first time that I ever saw her. She came back to the poetry section, and I went in, taking a deep breath.

"Hi," I said, trying to sound very casual.

She looked up and smiled warmly. "Hi! Nice to see you again."

I felt relieved and elated. "You too. I actually, uh, brought a book I thought you would like..”

Her eyes widened in surprise and delight. "Really? What is it?"

I handed her the book, a collection of poems by Pablo Neruda, a book Id bought at a separate shop only days earlier. "I thought you might like this. Nerudas stuff is pretty good, I had it around my house for a couple years, so I thought you might be interested."

She took the book from me again, and my fingers touched hers. "Thanks so much, Dave. This is really sweet of you."

I shrugged, trying to act nonchalant. "No problem. I figured you'd like it."

I knew I had to make a move as that afternoon was wearing away. "You know," I said, feigning indifference, "I have another book that I think you would love. But It's back at my place."

Those sparkling eyes took an interest. "Oh? What book is that?"

"A rare edition of Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet."

She paused a second, then smiled. "I'd love to see it."

[pillowspace]

i need u to know that ever since u posted this art it has been. constantly. on my mind. my night has been altered. my plans now consist of me laying in bed and thinking about csd sun. my brain chemistry has changed forever. im incurable. i stanned csd sun from the START but this is a whole new level and i need to ramble /deep breath/ i apologize in advance if im talking out of my ass LMFAOO

i just. the idea of this— old, ancient god who has seen many generations come and go, who represents warmth and burns bright wherever he goes just… being able to sense the love in things no matter who or what it may be. who, maybe, finds delight in all these different things people love and happiness just knowing that humanity has no limits when it comes to things they cherish. he looks around him and can just feel the same warmth he emits. it’s particularly strong in the little stuffed animals children hold dear to them, or the plants tenderly taken care of on the windowsills of various cottages.

and then he meets you. and your relationship grows stronger and stronger over the coming months. until one day something changes— shifts between the two of you. and suddenly he can feel just how much he is loved. a love he senses from you.

sun has felt how loved he is from the people who pray to him. but this is on a whole other level. this is something personal—something related to who he is as a person and not a god. and he doesn’t say anything, just watches as this warmth, this love he senses from you grows stronger and stronger each day. he is not just a god in your eyes, he’s more. he finds delight in it as much as he finds warm-tenderness. you think he doesnt know—not at first, at least, and he thinks he’ll keep it a secret for the time being. but as the days go on he can start to sense more and more how much you are loved. not just from the others around you, but from him as well.

GAHH okay im done im done i got it out. i hope u realize just how crazy this has made me omfg. u dont have to publish this i just wanted to talk at u and im not even sure how much of this is ‘canon’ or whatev but thats just my interpretation and what ive been thinking abt all night LMFAOOO. im so normal im soooo normal (im frothing at the mouth about to rip into csd again and again and again /pos)

OHHHHHHHHHGHGGGHG. I NEED YOU TO KNOW I STRUGGLED TO GET THROUGH THIS ASK BECAUSE I KEPT PUTTING MY PHONE DOWN, MAKING WILD HAND GESTURES, GETTING UP, THEN LEAVING TO PACE THE ROOM. SHATTERING LIKE GLASS

[nordidia]

Regardless of how much attention they got, what are three things you've written or drawn that you're most proud of?

oh i love this question...

so i think what i get most proud of are my long comics,, despite the drawings being simple, i think i put alot more effort into just finishing them than i do like. coloured pieces etc... doing full pieces is more leisure than struggling to finish a long ass comic yknow. especially if its mental health related, i put alot of effort into them

so i think the one im most proud of is the sunset duo comic about PTSD flashbacks the way i experience them.,. i never really saw people talk about how they are for me so i decided to do it myself

alot of people find comfort in it because they also have been longing for someone to talk about those kinds of flashbacks, where its not really pictures or specific memories, but more the feelings you felt during it. alot of people who have repressed memories have flashbacks this way it was very... cathargic. its the first thing that pops into my head when people ask about my emotion-comics. i think its my favorite

another one i really like is this one.

its my first deep comic like that, and it kinda kicked off something in me, knowing what i wanted to create. its kinda old now, and my art has evolved somewhat, ive been thinking of re-doing it sometime

alot of my comics that are like this are based on my own struggles, and i make them to deal with my own, hoping that posting them will make others feel less alone. i also base leo on my irl bff like 98% of the time, and this was one of them.

i think that it marks kind of "the first" of stuff that i've gotten feedback on that it has helped others, and looking back on it gives me alot of motivation to continue doing art

hmm third one i really love is this one, with april

i had this huge idea of going into detail about things, my own take on things. and i held that idea until i started drawing, and as i got to the end i realised: "wait.. i dont want to think about this. i dont want to have a take on someone's pointless suffering. i dont want him to have to remember it either. why do all comics have to elaborate on the struggling and then everything being okay? thats not how it works" and ended up completely re-writing it. i think it made it alot more in character too

at the time, i was in therapy. and we would often talk about what i do in my daily life and i would talk about the comics i make. and this was one she really liked hearing about, and she had a lot of praise for the way i ended it when i told her about my trail of thought

i hope this is comprehensible jdajkgfdsjk !!

i thinik. i like my art that includes leo .. is some of my favorite... i like writing him. he's very kind. he loves and respects raph alot, and i think he understands raph on a deeper level in some way. i cant explain it but. yueah!!! if i could have a fourth favorite it would be this one

[rockyfr0g]

my thoughts on "writing on the wall" by will stetson (as someone who relates to kaveh an unhealthy amount)

(ill preface this by saying im not good at separating headcanon and canon, especially when it comes to kaveh, and im not the best at understanding songs at more than face value cause im autistic but i just have so many thoughts on kaveh and this song and aaa)

firstly, the differences between the three choruses. i love how it encapsulates the devolution of both his mental state and how he views his work. in the first chorus, hes careful and precise, taking a lot of pride and happiness in his work, excited to see the completed project and overall enjoying working on it. whereas the second and third choruses hes been beaten down and rejected more and more by clients, failing to understand his vision, he feels more and more trapped by his creations. but still he holds his pride in them because if he loses that, he'll lose everything hes worked for. at first hes able to ignore the "writing on the wall", but as it gets harder and harder to please his clients or be able to afford what he wants to do, or even to create his visions, the writing becomes harder to ignore. as for what the writing means, im not too sure. but my idea is that the writing refers to the voices of doubt or dissaproval (both from his own thoughts and others comments), as well as the little criticisms when a client asks to revise his design once more. all of the negativity mixing within his own confidence in himself and his art, culminating in the writing on the wall. it represents the thoughts he desperatly tries to keep hidden until it gets too much and overflows (the end of the song).

secondly, i wanna talk about the actual music video. ive only watched it the one time for now, but here are my thoughts on it. the transitions between choruses and verses, and how it becomes redder and more exasperated the longer the song goes on to me feels like a really good expression of kavehs emotional state during the song. how the lines between him as a person and as an artist are slowly blurring, as he feels like hes becoming one with his buildings. being "trapped" by them.

another thing i love about the song is that its JUST focusing on kaveh. it isnt kaveh and alhaitham, it isnt 4ggravate. its all about kaveh. which is rare to see, especially within fandom space where i find kaveh is often diminished to just alhaithams partner, roomate, tormenter, whatever. so its really refreshing to see someone focusing solely on him and his problems without regard for anyone else for once, i love it. it gives you more of an understanding of just how much kaveh struggles, not only when it comes to his professional life, but his personal life too. we see how he struggles to balance keeping his aesthetics and pride while also trying to adhere to what the client wants, with "the right way takes a toll" showing how no matter how hard kaveh does try to keep this balance, it often gets toppled over and his ideas are more or less ignored in favour of something simpler. the balance is something kaveh struggles with throughout the whole song, but it becomes more prevalant in the last couple minutes. as for how he struggles personally, well the song mentions "the bigger the sorrows to drown", hinting at kavehs struggle with alcoholism and his use of alcohol as an escape from the voices and torments hes subjected to by his mind, turning to numbing his feelings with alcohol and often ending up worse off, physically or mora-wise. his alcoholism specifically isn't something i see people talk about a lot as its often glossed over or treated as just one of his quirks, when its evident that it is a serious problem, hes jsut so used to it at this point that he doesnt present it as such.

apologies, this kinda stopped being about the song itself and more just about kaveh and my own thoughts in some parts. but i hope its an interesting read at least!!

[oddrobyn]

hi friend!! I've been losing it over your li and pen bestie art for the past few minutes I love them 🥺🥺🥺 do you mind telling us more about their dynamics? also I love dice and the commissioners!! would also love to know more about dice and wei <3333

OH MY GAAAHHHH IVE WAITED YEARS FOR THIS QUESTIONNNN

(Rubbing my little hands together) MEGA SPOILERS BELOW BTW IN CASE ANYONE HASNT FINISHED THE GAME

For quick context to anyone who might not know , Li is my builder Oc (first image) and Dice is my non builder NPC type oc who I like to imagine as a potential romancable character when someone else is playing as builder. But in my au where Li and Dice are in the same universe Dice is Li's older sister.

Starting with Li!!

Li and Pen has this sort of crazy friendship when you consider they are selectively mute and the way their personalities are pretty different. Pen is a loud and proud extrovert who can fill a room with his very presence when Li is really mousy and tends to keep to themselves all the while a really affectionate friend. This has given them a sort of platonic lovey-friendship where they're best friends who can say I love you and understand how deeply connected they are as bestie which makes Pen's betrayal /leaving for incarceration a hell of a lot more painful.

Li does have BPD and because Pen was their favorite person this was REALLY rough and there was a LOT of coping they had to deal with because losing the person their whole world revolved around totally destroyed what they had and they basically had to start from scratch socially. Sure they had other friends like Unsuur and Nia and Qi-- but what they had with Pen was so unique and so special that it was really difficult for them to let go despite knowing he's really frowned upon on Sandrock. It's really difficult for them to just "get with the program" and let go of him as easily as the game implies you do when he leaves and often times they get stuck in awkward spots where they have to talk to some of the people he hurt knowing how awkward it is for everyone when the attachment to their friend who turned out to be pretty evil still has a tight hold on them.

I like to think that they try to send letters to Pen secretly once in a while and hasn't gotten a response back for better or worse, but a given explanation is actually that Pen had been throwing them away as soon as he got them because he was scared he would open it and find that Li wanted to officially break off the friendship.

I think before I've compared them to the story of the Scorpion and the Frog, but their friendship is maybe a little more parasitic than that. Pen definitely had ulterior motives in picking to befriend the person who obviously struggled socially and would do anything to keep a friend around, but when they both started having something real the line between something fake and something so painfully real gets blurred and ultimately both of them are unable to let go of each other because of how close they were. They are truly doomed by the narrative I think oughh

AS FOR DICE !!!

I don't believe I've ever done a real deep dive explanation since I was still working out some of the details but I pretty much have something now.

She actually used to do average odd jobs around Highwind to save up money to put towards to her music career that was inspired by old world music she discovered and fell in love with (hahahahaha. Really funny to think stuff like Hannah Monatana and MarinaAndTheDiamonds would be considered old world in their universe) which led to her deciding she wanted to be a music star.

Things didn't go to plan however and although some of the story is pretty lost in the mud due to her shame and refusal to open up about it, her career failed as no one listened to the genre or didn't find it interesting enough. The embarrassment of being unable to achieve the dream she worked all her teen years towards made her incredibly depressed and she actually disappeared for a couple of years with no warning until she one day resurfaced as the bounty hunter/bodyguard/whatever she is today.

She claims to owe a lot of her being able to get back up onto her feet to Yan and Pen, who found her alone in the eufala after getting lost and set her up with a job as "Yan's Personal Bodyguard" as silly as it sounds. But it made him look cool and important, and gave her the money she needed to get back up on her feet so she took it.

She started traveling around the free cities to pick up more bounty jobs now that she had found another purpose in life (though some are pretty sure she's just take out a lot of pent up feelings on it). Even though she had become kind of a drifter all throughout the free cities, at some point, she and Yan started dating and it was about as insufferable of an experience as you'd imagine. The public sweet talk, the constant hand holding, the way that it's so obvious Yan is more interested in her than she Is in him... awful. Owen says his best paid night but worst social experiences come from their dates at the Blue Moon.

Of course, once Yan gets shipped off Dice reveals that she's relieved about his arrest because it was starting to get on her nerves and that she had been struggling to figure out a way to break up with him without a whole spectacle happening.

But just as soon as he's gone, Wei comes to town and she INSTANTLY falls for how much kinder he is. When you spend your whole life around questionable characters you sort of start to just accept that maybe everyone is only thinking of themselves; but Wei was different.

For once, Dice was the one chasing a love interest rather than being the one who was pursued, and as confusing as it might have been at first, eventually they both start connecting and their kind of opposite personalities start to find ways to compliment each other. Wei stops being suspicious that Dice might be acting on his brother's behalf and Dice starts to disappear from sandrock less often in order to spend more time with him.

Owen dreads Friday night dates a whole lot less now lol...

[timextoxhajima]

Sonder: Part III

Parts: I II III IV V

member: enhypen heeseung! x oc! woo ki yeom [3rd person pov]

genre: coming of age, slice of life, angst, romance

w/c: 5.8k

warnings: topics on religion, distressed relationships, mental health (I want to leave an a/n here that I grew up with my maternal family being Buddhists so what I've written is based off what I researched online and the way her family practised Buddhism. I'm personally a free-tinker and this narrative is not in any way meant to offend nor support any particular religion.)

synopsis: after being kicked out of her home, Woo Ki Yeom is forced to live life on her own. struggling to find herself in the midst of her chaotic life, she meets lee heeseung, who, like her, can't give any more fucks to life than she does.

"n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own."

By the time Sim Ji Yeon had realised what was happening, she knew deep down in her heart that it was too late. She was stuck with the dilemma of whether she should aggressively offer Ki Yeom support, or let her writhe in her own pain for a while, especially since she knew that Ki Yeom might take it the wrong way if she went with the first option.

Ki Yeom's pride and ego was fed to her since they were children. She had grown up in a stable home, both parents worked and so, they were better than the average household. She didn't have a difficult childhood that would've otherwise created a timid and inferior person.

Her confidence was further fed by the years in which she excelled in every single arts class she took. She had the perfect knack for it, always creating original pieces and never having trouble finding inspiration for her assignments.

Ji Yeon had always admired her eye for the arts, while she was stuck as the boring, better-looking-than-average girl who loved volleyball. She was well aware of the attention that dragged around with her wherever she went - boys would come to her matches just to see her and her teammates. She would get random love notes and gifts from people she didn't even know.

While Ki Yeom somewhat teased her and envied her for this 'small celebrity' life, Ji Yeon would've much preferred being talented in her own, safe bubble.

The hard part during the entire process of the falling out was the fact that Ji Yeon hadn't heard about Ki Yeom being kicked out of her home from her, but instead through friends who somehow knew people who had seen her looking for single-room apartments to rent.

Talk about a small world.

And talk about not sharing your worst nightmares with your best friend.

Ji Yeon remembers the day she felt Ki Yeom had given up on her friendship, and till this day, she doesn't know exactly why. Ji Yeon had decided to wait near the building that Ki Yeom used to stay with her parents. She's been over multiple times, so it wasn't hard to blend in with all the convenience and food stalls owners greeting her.

She figured that Ki Yeom probably still had to come back to pick up more things.

But hours turned into days and by the time she had waited three days, Ji Yeon realised that Ki Yeom had completely moved out for good. Then, she spots her mother leaving the apartment building.

She's hesitant at first, but it's the only way she will ever find out anything about Ki Yeom without needing to spam call her.

With tired eyes and a broken heart, her mother tells Ji Yeon that she hadn't seen her daughter since the day she ruined the altar.

"Ruined the altar?" Ji Yeon's lips part in startled surprise. "But..."

Her voice trails quiet when she realises she doesn't know what to say. She can't imagine what Ki Yeom is feeling, much less her parents.

"I don't suppose... you know where she is?"

The elder shakes her head gently. "You're the only person who has a shot at knowing where she's gone. So if you don't know, then I definitely wouldn't."

There's something harsh and direct in her voice, that almost makes Ji Yeon uneasy.

"Alright," She chooses not to pry. "I understand. I'm... so sorry this happened."

A chilly gush of wind runs between them.

Her mother parts her lips and inhales slightly, as if already finding the words to say - but she decides against it and swallows instead. "I have to go run my errands."

"Of course," Ji Yeon slightly bows and lets her on her way. She stays, long enough until Ki Yeom's mother disappears down the corner.

Ji Yeon wonders if she will ever visit their home again.

She will spend the next few weeks leaving Ki Yeom texts. Calls. Even resorting to E-mails and leaving her DMs on Instagram. She starts to think of herself that she's pathetic, but no, she can't think this way. Her best friend was just kicked out. She's probably lost and afraid. And honestly, she might not even be alive. What if something happened to her and nobody found her body?

But somehow, she finds comfort in knowing that she hasn't heard from her in months now. At least she's alive, and her body hasn't been thrown in a ditch somewhere and in the news, with the headline 'MURDERER ON THE LOOSE'.

And yet, everytime she tries to comfort herself to think this way, she can't help but think - why is she not speaking to me?

What have I done wrong?

Months turned into trimesters and trimesters turned into a scholarship offer to a university in another state. Ji Yeon decides that fate will bring her back to Ki Yeom when the time is right.

She leaves, and decides that she will only come back during her longer summer breaks.

And in the blink of an eye, she graduates next year.

But to Ji Yeon, this meant that it had been four years without Ki Yeom. How could Ki Yeom pretend that she didn't exist anymore? How could she move on with life, not accounting for what happened to her? Doesn't Ki Yeom know that she cares, especially with all the shit she's sent her?

Ji Yeon is not one to get angry easily, but Ki Yeom is the exception. Perhaps she hasn't tried hard enough.

She googles her name. She scrolls through the 'Ki Yeom's whom she know aren't her Ki Yeom.

Then, she stops when she notices the name under a tattoo parlour's search result. Ji Yeon hunts for the address on their website, and finds it.

Just about thirty minutes away from where Ki Yeom used to stay.

"Ki Yeom might look a little cold, but she promises her best. Top of sales 2022." Was written as her description. No photo though.

Ji Yeon picks up her phone and drops her some messages.

"She hasn't spoken to you in four years and you still want to go look for her?"

Ji Yeon is quiet. She knows how ridiculous it sounds from someone else's perspective. Ki Yeom clearly doesn't want to be found and reconnected, so why should she go out of her way to do it for her?

"Think about how we left off, don't you think it'd be terrible of me to not even... get some kind of closure?"

Sunghoon frowns at her, crossing his arms over his chest and slightly rolling his eyes. He's never liked this 'Ki Yeom' whom he's never met. By the time he had met Ji Yeon in university, he thought the falling out was through and finished. He knew that Ji Yeon had always wanted to find her and find closure, but he thinks otherwise.

"It would've been terrible if you didn't try to reach out but the thing is you did and you tried. I don't know why you think you haven't done enough."

"Well, maybe you think I've done enough, but it's not enough for her."

"Come on," He pushes his hair back and sits in a chair, back slouched and his elbows on his knees. "Love, I just- From my perspective, she sounds like she doesn't care about anybody else. If she had wanted to reconnect or find closure like you do, she would've responded by now. But it's been four years. We met, dated, fell in love and moved in together in these four years."

Ji Yeon sighs.

"Have you ever thought that she just... outgrew the friendship? Like, I don't know, maybe her getting kicked out of her home just escalated it. Like it was an event that forced the two of you apart and it was just... meant to be? It hurts to see you trying so hard and she doesn't reciprocate. I get that she's your childhood friend but that doesn't mean she would do and think the same way you do."

"I know what you mean," She's quiet as she turns and looks at him. "But I just... Maybe if I see her one last time. Just over a cup of coffee or something. She doesn't have to catch me up nor does she have to give in to my 'needs'. Maybe I just want to see that she's well and taking care of herself."

Sunghoon stands and walks over to where she's sitting at her desk, standing near enough so she can rest her head in his stomach.

The next day proved a challenge for Ji Yeon, a challenge she didn't even think she had to deal with. She had found the tattoo parlour as early as after lunch with Sunghoon, who reluctantly left her alone. Ji Yeon felt nothing less like a creep, spending the entire afternoon sitting at the coffee shop just a few doors down from the parlour.

The challenge was mustering up the courage to speak to Ki Yeom after four years. Why was she even finding this hard? They were best friends, weren't they? And as far as Ji Yeon knew, she didn't do anything wrong on her end. If anything, this was just a case of a fading friendship, not a messy falling out.

She thought, and thought, and panicked, and thought again, until the sun had set. There were more clients leaving than entering, she thought that this was her chance.

Now or never.

Her throat had gone dry when she stood at the door, fingers wrapped on the metal handle and ready to push herself in. Ki Yeom had shoulder-length brown hair, but with her black roots growing out on the crown of her head. She was sat in a roller chair, backfacing the front door, turned and talking to a guy with bright, bleached pink hair who was definitely a couple years older than her. And another girl, around the same age or even younger, with her hair cut so short, some might mistake her for the opposite gender.

Then again, Ji Yeon knows better than to bother about that.

"Hi. I'm looking for Ki Yeom, I saw somewhere that she worked here."

WHAT? She thinks to herself. She's literally standing infront of you, why would you ask that?

Ki Yeom takes a moment to stand and turn, like she already recognised her voice before she even saw Ji Yeon.

Oh, my God. It's like meeting an ex again.

Ji Yeon's heart drops when she can see how much Ki Yeom has grown in four years. She aches to know that she wasn't by her side, following her through the healing she probably needed.

"Who told you I worked here?" The words are cold, and sharp. Like her mother's. Ji Yeon starts to sweat, the warm gush of uneasiness sweeping through her when you feel unwell or about to faint.

Ji Yeon's mind is running at a thousand miles per hour. Say something!

"I... I googled you," Ji Yeon gulps. She can see the knowing scowls and squints from Ki Yeom's two acquaintances. They must think she's a bitch. "Took me a couple of minutes, but it wasn't that hard to find your name as a tattoo artist in this parlour."

Ki Yeom rubs the back of her neck, looking exasperated and at a loss of patience, like she were thinking 'I don't have the fucking time for this.'

She turns around and begins a mini discussion with her acquaintances, which Ji Yeon realises, if she's close enough to trust them in times like this, then Ki Yeom must consider them friends.

She has been replaced.

Ji Yeon isn't surprised. It was a sooner-or-later thing.

But why did it hurt the same?

She can hear the 's'-es and the whispering they're doing whilst turned back. She wonders if they know who she was, or if Ki Yeom has kept her an embarrassing secret and memory she doesn't want to relive.

There's a little scuffle. Someone swats someone on the arm, and someone knees the boy in his groin. Then the short haired girl drags him away, leaving Ki Yeom alone with her.

When Ki Yeom turns around, there's this fierceness and sternness in her eyes. Ji Yeon knew that she wouldn't be meeting the same person she became best friends with back then, but it hit her harder now that she's seeing this new-and-improved version of Ki Yeom.

Ji Yeon can see that she doesn't have much to say, so she starts first.

"I know you've been reading my texts," She says quickly, hoping to get some reaction out of her.

Nothing.

"I just wanted to know how you were doing. I don't know anything about you anymore and I just can't stand to know that... I no longer know anything about you and your life."

"I don't know why it matters that you don't know anything. My parents don't know anything. Nobody knows anything, but I'm fine and well."

Ji Yeon is stunned at how quickly she responded. It's almost like she had rehearsed for a moment like this. Has Ki Yeom just been waiting for Ji Yeon to show up, so she can tell her to fuck off?

"It matters because I care," She wishes that Ki Yeom can hear the sincerity in her voice. "It matters because you basically disappeared, and for the last couple of years, I've been stuck wondering what I've done wrong. And if it was my fault that the friendship has turned sour."

"It's not your fault, it's mine. For being an ass."

Ji Yeon didn't even realise she was holding her breath until Ki Yeom finishes her quick-witted reply. The words start to come out naturally.

"So at least tell me how you were being an ass. You have so much spine to be out here making a life for your own but you don't have a spine enough to tell me why I had to google you?"

"'Spine to be out here'?" Ki Yeom snaps her head and squints at her, clenching her jaw as she strings the words together. "Have you... forgotten why I was even made to be out here making a life for myself?"

Oh.

Ji Yeon didn't mean for it to come off that way. Ki Yeom must know she didn't mean it like that. Right? ...Right?

"I'm sorry. That wasn't what I meant."

In Ji Yeon's peripheral vision, a client pays at the cashier's. He awkwardly walks around them, arm wrapped in a protective foil as the light reflects off the surface.

She thinks carefully about what to say next. It feels like years before she can think of how to put it across.

"Look, I... I just want to know what happened. And... if after all the clearing up, you still hate me and our paths have just... diverged too far and too long ago, then... I will just have to make peace with it."

Ji Yeon pauses. She thinks about what Sunghoon said to her earlier today.

"But I can't just leave this... it's like abandoning my house without reason."

Her eyes are teary and she can feel the sour ball creeping up in her throat and her nose.

But Ki Yeom doesn't look like she gives a single fuck.

Ki Yeom's head falls in the gap between her arm and herself, nodding herself awake. She looks down at her sketchbook, instinctively rubbing her forehead to get any pencil markings off her skin.

She turns and looks at the clock. 2.23am.

Sighing and yawning at the same time, she looks around her apartment, spotting the unwashed pot from her instant-noodle supper sitting by the sink.

She recalls the encounter at the tattoo parlour earlier that evening, where Miss Little Perfect showed up and demanded for a redeeming coffee break tomorrow.

Ki Yeom rubs her eyes and yawns again, finally getting up from her desk and making her way over to wash the dishes.

Suddenly, life had so many offerings to provide her.

Picking up her phone, she slips on her slides and heads out the door, making a point to close it quietly. Then she turns and heads for the lift, in her peripheral vision, noticing that the nosy boy's door was slightly ajar.

She ignores it, turning for the lift and dragging her headphones over her head-

Then she hears the piano keys, and the singing.

Ki Yeom will admit that she didn't think that would stop her in her tracks, but it did.

She stays in the same spot for a few seconds, listening to the random piano keys, then him singing or humming a tune, then the piano keys again.

He's writing an original, she realises.

Well, if he can be nosy, so can I.

She finds herself at the door, peeking in through the gap.

He's sat, angled backwards against the door, with a portable keyboard infront of him and a notebook in his lap. She looks around, and spots his desk - which was a round dining table that he probably picked up from someone's garage sale - strewn with lecture notes.

Ki Yeom leans against the door frame, quietly studying the apartment that resembled hers while listening to the music-in-progress. Her eyes are mindless, until they finally return to him sitting at his piano.

Except, now he's staring at her, wide-eyed and surprised.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough to tell that you gave up on studying," She pushes the door open and nods toward his dining table. "Sitting against an open door isn't very smart. I could've gone in and stolen something and you wouldn't have known."

"Well," He shrugs, picking up the notebook from his lap and tossing it on his dining table. He starts to gather the papers and binded notes. "Thank God it's you, then. I'd just have to worry about missing a washing machine token."

Ki Yeom rolls her eyes, but doesn't hide the little smile that curls up on her lips.

"Couldn't sleep?" He lifts the stack off the table, aligning them against the surface and placing them nicely in the centre.

She scratches the spot under her ear. "It's... a little more than 'couldn't sleep', I guess."

Heeseung turns to face her, arms reaching back to lean on the edge of the dining table. But it wobbles from how old it is, so he clears his throat and stands away from it instead.

"I'd invite you to come in and talk about it but I don't want to seem creepy," A pause. "Nor does it seem like I have adequate, functioning furniture to host a guest."

Ki Yeom chuckles, which is a surprise. Maybe it's just the 3am lack of discipline and awareness.

"I was going to go on a walk."

"At..." He picks up his phone. The screen lights up his face. "3am?"

"Why, scared of the dark?"

"No, I'm scared that I'd be murdered in an alley and thrown in a ditch."

"Yeah, because you live in a dangerous country," Ki Yeom pushes herself off the door frame, hoping that the sarcasm can be detected. "No obligations. If you prefer to sleep, then good night."

Heeseung shrugs, picking up his keys and phone and shoving them into his pockets.

"Can't say no to a 3am storytelling session though," With a cheeky smile on his lips, he walks to the door. Ki Yeom moves to let him close the door, only now realising how tall he was.

Maybe Jun Yeol was just short.

"Who said anything about a 3am storytelling session?" She says as-a-matter-of-factly. As he locks the door, she heads to press the lift button.

"Well, I'm just a nosy stranger. And you walked right up to my door, striking up a conversation with me. Besides, who am I gonna tell about your dramatic life story?"

The boy pulls his key out of the door and turns around, tilting his head at her. His eyes are tired, the kinds that sleep but not quality. The kinds that try their best, but it's never enough.

Perfectionist eyes.

Ki Yeom knows because those were hers too.

"So why are you up at 3am?" She quietly asks.

"Hm," He hums in thought, eyes looking up at the panel displaying the floors the lift was climbing. "Somewhere between existential crisis and can't sleep. If that makes any sense."

"'Existential crisis', huh?"

There's a silence that envelops the both of them as the lift reaches. She doesn't even know his name but she can tell what type of person he is - or at least, she can guess. She conjures the thought, 'What if he's a serial killer luring her in so he can murder her in the middle of the night?'

Nah, Mr Hsien has seen his face. If he were a serial killer, he wasn't a very smart one.

"I'm Heeseung, by the way," He turns to her in the lift, awkwardly raising a palm to her. "I just realised I know your name but you don't know mine."

Ki Yeom gingerly takes his hand, giving him a firm shake as she does some of her clients. "Nice to know."

"So, what do you do? I mean, you don't seem like you go to university."

"I'm a tattoo artist."

"Oh, shit. No kidding?" Heeseung looks pleasantly taken aback. "Would love to get one one day. Where? Is the parlour nearby?"

"Just about a twenty minute bus ride into town," The doors open into the lobby, the security guard at the counter exchanging glances with them.

"Town? You're a fancy tattoo artist. What, do you like top sales or something?" He giggles as they walk out the building. The cool, crisp breeze kisses her skin and she instantly hugs herself. Ki Yeom remains quiet to his question, merely shrugging her shoulders.

"No," He turns to her and folds his arms across his chest, hugging his arm pits. "That's crazy! Are you really? You're like some super talented tattoo artist, and I'm just some... stupid student that can't beat the curve in school."

"What do you study in university?"

"Performing Arts - But the thing they don't tell you is that half the things you study is theory, which don't work that well with me."

"I heard you just now, with the piano and the singing. You sound good, is it an original? For a project or something?"

They stop at a traffic light. Opposite the building was a park. The crickets were chirping, the street lamps were sizzling and there wasn't a single soul in sight. Some cars driving down the main road, but it had been awhile since Ki Yeom had found the motivation to leave home for something that wasn't work.

"Uh- Yeah? I guess? It's more of just a 'me' thing. But, I also tutor kids. Piano lessons. So they help me sort of... sort it out in my head. Makes it abit easier to teach when I'm figuring out the notes and bars myself."

"Interesting," Ki Yeom nods. The traffic light turns to the green man. She smiles when she realises they didn't even need to wait for that, since it was so empty.

"Why?" Heeseung shoves his hands into his pockets, smile mimicking hers. "Realised we didn't have to wait?"

"Yeah. It's so empty."

"We're law-abiding citizens, what do I say?"

They enter the park, the scent of grass and trees filling their noses. Ki Yeom can see the birds scattered about in the grass, slowly walking or standing almost completely still. The leaves were gently rustling in the breeze. Empty cups, food wrappers, tissues, strewn here and there and on benches.

"By the way, I was joking about the storytelling. You don't have to share if you're uncomfortable. It's just... nice to talk to someone that's not from school."

Ki Yeom walks quietly, sitting in her thoughts. He must've understood her silence, for he goes quiet as well, matching her pace and looking around like he hadn't already been to this park a couple of times.

She considers the day's events. First, being told she had an opportunity to leave everything she had here, to go be part of an art organisation. Then, being told she had topped this months' sale (again), followed by Ji Yeon showing up at the parlour. It had been four years since she had seen her.

Suddenly, she's tired. Her lids are heavy and her heart is torn into shreds. Maybe it wasn't that great of an idea to go for a walk with a stranger at 3am.

"It was a long day. Alot of things happened," Ki Yeom starts, unsure how to continue. She didn't want to seem like she was trauma dumping or asking him for advice when he barely knew her.

"Oh," There's a hint of sadness in his voice as he can hear the reluctance to share. "I understand. It's alright. You don't have to divulge anything. We can walk the whole park in silence. Or if you want to go back, that's totally fine with me too-"

"No, it's okay," Ki Yeom shakes her head and rubs her palm down her eyes and the rest of her face. "I just..."

She strings the thoughts together, holding her breath as she does.

"I was offered... a thing. My boss told me that she had an opportunity to send someone overseas. To be part of a touring art organisation."

She looks up at Heeseung, watching his face for any reaction. As opposed to before, he suddenly had this slightly heavy look on his face, as if he instantly knew what it meant to have such a grand offer... in such a faraway place.

"That... That is something," He nods as he acknowledges it. "I assume there's a 'but'?"

Ki Yeom rubs the back of her neck and turns away from him.

"I mean, it's not easy for anybody to leave anywhere, honestly. Even if they had nothing else left, it still wouldn't be easy."

"You sound like you know this experience yourself."

Heeseung turns and looks at her intently, his tired eyes getting even more tired.

"I'm the total opposite, actually. I had... everything. Like I had a nice home, my family is intact unlike alot of my friends. Supportive environment. But... when I left to find... a purpose, I felt lost. It was my decision, yes, but... it's hard to leave somewhere you're comfortable in."

"You left home to find 'purpose'?" Ki Yeom stifles a little chuckle.

"Well, yeah," Heeseung grins, knowing how stupid it sounded out loud. "I wanted to find out what life was about, you know? I didn't want to stay sheltered. I wanted to meet crazy people and do crazy things and see where the wind blows me."

"That doesn't sound like the life a university student should be living. Just being a student on it's own already takes away the freedom to do that."

"I know, I know," He rolls his eyes half-exasperatedly. "I realised."

They both go quiet again. Ki Yeom is pleasantly surprised at how easy he seems. She wonders if she's being nice and vulnerable because it's 3am.

Yeah, probably.

"So what's keeping you here?"

Ki Yeom smiles, but it's weak and sad and depressing. "What isn't?" She turns and looks at him, then turns back to look straight.

"I grew up a devoted Buddhist and my family practised it to the T. Then, about six years ago, my father lost his job and we were broke for a few years. In those two years, we scrimped and saved. My grandfather had tried to help, but my parents... believe it or not, didn't accept it. Out of filial piety. It's one of the most valued principles in Buddhism. I came home one day, tired and exhausted from work, and my room was literally sold out. The furniture, the lamp, the damn bed."

She pauses. The memories come back in quick flashes in her head.

"I ruined the altar. Shoved everything off. My mother kicked me out. And I had so few things left that it took me an hour to get everything I needed out of the apartment. I walked aimlessly for hours, just wishing that a car would run me down and I'd never have to open my eyes again. I somehow fell asleep just a few shops down the tattoo parlour, and I don't know what it is that the owner of the parlour saw in me, but she waited until I woke up, gave me a pad and pencil and told me to draw. I don't know how she knew that I loved art. But I was at a loss and honestly, I had nothing better to do. So, I drew."

A pause.

The grains of rock and sand crunch under their feet as they stroll under a lamp.

"And she hired you."

"And told me that this apartment building had rooms for rent and that she'd pay for the first few months until I could sustain myself."

"What a lad," Heeseung nods. "What did you draw? That made her hire you?"

Ki Yeom stops in her tracks. Heeseung hears the crunching stop behind him, so he stops too and turns to look at her.

"I... I drew my room. Down to every single detail. Before it was sold and ruined."

Now, her voice is quiet, low, and raspy. The type that comes from someone who is about to cry. Heeseung can see that Ki Yeom is fighting all the urges in her throat and nose not to stifle a sob, because her eyes were already welling with tears.

But she blinks, and breathes through her mouth so he wouldn't have to hear the sniffling. Then all that resolution to keep it under wraps crumbles under the weight of letting it out for the first time, directly telling someone the whole truth without them having to probe and ask for them to fit the pieces together.

Ki Yeom squats and buries her eyes in the heart of her palms, her lips finally contorting into a quivering, shivering slobber as her tears and mucus start to run down her philtrum. She's feeling light-headed, but her chest heavy, from all the feelings that were bottled up and never once poured out.

A warm, gentle hand lands on her shoulder, a shadow casting over her as he stands in a spot to block the lamp from shining all over her.

Ki Yeom doesn't have a clue how long she was in that position, because it felt like forever. The tears were relentless - caught up for four years, and she hasn't even told him everything that happened that day. Would she cry even more?

One way to find out.

She lifts her head, hair messily stuck to her face because of the tears, and coughs, "You know... My best friend..." She chokes and hiccups in between the words as he looks down at her, tired eyes trying to show sympathy.

"She's just so fucking perfect, and I... I hate her for it.... She lived a perfect life, you know? Popular, smart, pretty... happy. Her family was so fucking... textbook. Sometimes I wondered if she was friends with me to... make herself feel better. I hated how much she tried to compensate for... something that wasn't even her fault. I hated that she started paying for me... or started defending me and protecting me in front of others just so they didn't think I was a loser."

She sighs and wipes her philtrum with her fingers, the glistening music on her nails and fingerpads as she wipes them off on her pants.

"I saw her for the first time today... In four years... asking me for a cup of coffee so we could talk about what happened... But I have nothing to say. What do I even say?"

"You can say what you just told me."

Ki Yeom looks up at him, wandering eyes unsure of what he means.

Then he squats, meeting her at eye level and awkwardly trying to pick her hair out of her face without it seeming like he was flirting with her.

"I think it's valid that you felt the way you did. I mean, all that that you went through? Not everybody knows how it feels. I'm sure she meant well, but I'm also positive that you would've felt the same way about anybody who tried to do those things. So, it was nothing personal."

He folds his arms over each other and wraps them on his knees.

"If it makes you feel better, I'd be annoyed too. If I had a perfect specimen of a person trying to make me feel better. Who wouldn't? It's like salt rubbing salt in a wound."

Ki Yeom gulps the phlegm and musuc away, rubbing her eyes.

"I think... you should go get that cup of coffee and push through it. It's the only way to resolve this."

"But I spent four years running, and I didn't hate it," She wipes the tears dripping off her jawline and stares at the rocks under his slides.

"Clearly, the more you run, the more she's gonna run after you and I'm sure you don't want to deal with her ten years from now again?"

Ki Yeom looks up and into his eyes now, his fringe slightly covering them.

"Here's the important question: Do you think you've been living life fine without her?"

Her eyes drift off to look at the bush on the grass.

"If the answer is 'no', then it's your chance to redeem yourself and mend things with her. But if the answer is 'yes', then sometimes a chapter just... ends. Without you knowing. Things happen. Just because it happened doesn't mean it's your fault."

She looks back at him, swollen eyes slightly drier, but eyelids heavier.

Heeseung is quiet now. He's said his piece, and has nothing else left to share.

"Come on," He whispers, just loud enough for her to hear as he gently grabs her arm. "Let's get you back home and to bed."

Ki Yeom weakly stands, knees trembling from squatting too long. He has a palm on her arm the entire walk home, in silence. The security guard almost looks concerned - he hasn't ever seen this resident cry.

The lift doors open with a ding, but before Heeseung can walk her rightways to her door, she pauses and looks at him.

"Do you think... do you think you can stay with me tonight?" She blinks her tired eyes, not even looking at him. "Not in the same bed, just... with me."

Heeseung blinks, slightly taken aback with the request. His lips are parted in a bid to protest and say that it would be inappropriate, considering that she was just tired and in a vulnerable state and it could've been easily misunderstood the following morning- but she puts a stop to it, for she quite literally mutters the words:

"I've been alone for so long, sometimes I wonder if I would be happier if I wasn't awake."

PART IV

[bromantically]

hello! I've been thinking about starting to leave image IDs on posts I reblog that don't have one yet but I'm not really sure what the best way to do it is. I've seen a ton of different formats. I've seen you talk about it so I guess I wanted to ask what is format that you prefer? I also have a question.. about describing art. most if not all described art I've seen has just been a very plain description of what's depicted, but there's no mention about the vibe, the style,.. I feel like if I lost my vision and became dependent on image IDs I'd still want to have info about how the art was laid out, if the lines are messy, if it's cell shaded or painterly, etc

simply "Digital art of a person doing a thing" just seems.. idk. it does absolutely nothing to actually describe what it looks like. to me. I feel like people who depend on these IDs deserve a little more than that? I guess I wanted to ask your opinion on this

i dont think i totally know what u mean specifically what format i prefer tbh? i prefer write mine in this format: [ID: Description goes here. End ID.] i dont write "image ID" because ID means image description, so id be writing "image image description." most people who need descriptions will recognize "ID" so theres not really a huge need to write out "image description" unless u just really want to

a lot of description styles are honestly pretty subjective! how much a person describes, especially if described by someone who struggles with language and visual processing, is largely dependent on their ability to describe what theyre seeing and the energy they have to write it

what a person prefers in a description is pretty subjective as well! ive met people who prefer descriptions as To The Point as possible, and i know some who prefer more descriptive and flowery ones. its not really possible to appeal to everyones needs, so in turn it means that how u describe something is ultimately up to ur discretion.

i dont describe details about my art like style and whatnot because i dont find it immediately relevant to what i trying to portray, if that gives u any insight. i dont find my style very important in regards to what else im trying to show people, like my characters personality and clothes, and i dont like making my descriptions lengthy because it can make them difficult to sit through and sometimes getting wordy with it makes it harder to understand

generally, there is a balance to be kept, but its also up to ur discretion to describe what u feel is important and relevant in a piece. if u think the tone and style is important and relevant, include it!

ultimately though, just about any description is better than none. no ones single description will be perfect for everyone who needs one, but its still making it more accessible than it was before

[dragonsampersanddragons]

One thing I don't really hear people talk about is how having your special interest as the basis of your job changes it.

it's still my sp int. I still love it. i still can spend hours going down a rabbit hole to learn new details about it. but now. now I *have* to do that. my pay depends on how well i can learn about, whether i'll have a stable job with a good salary ten years from now depends on how much I can impress other people with how good i am with it. now it is Work.

some days i have to force myself to sit down and Do Work. the Work in question is researching my sp int. but ive spent the past week working my ass off trying to figure out this concept and i have a deadline coming up and im stressed and i want to relax. but i have to do the Big Scary Task. I sit in bed scrolling tumblr telling myself i need to get up. i need to go do work. i need to go sit down at my desk and pull out my papers and spend several hours engaging with my sp int because i have a big assessment coming up and I need to be *ready*, but instead i sit there in bed, scrolling through tumblr.

and. i still love it. it is my sp int. but its not carefree anymore. it isnt relaxing the way it used to be. i worry if im good enough. i have to be careful not to get burnout - get burnout from doing my special interest.

my other big sp int, dragons, isn't like that. that one is still much the same as it always have been. i can go look at art of dragons, go read stories about dragons, go daydream about possible societal effects dragons the size of small hills that live for a few thousand years. and its fun and relaxing nonsense.

this sp int used to be like that too.

and yet. at the same time. this is *still* my sp int. it's just different now. I still easily fall into a hyperfocus with it, i still get excited, i love it. and ive started engaging with it at a deeper level than i do with dragons. i am always being given little tidbits to explore, and then paid to explore them, to teach about them. I get to teach students about what i love more than anything. i love what i do, i love thinking about where it can take me.

I think about my relationship with this sp int when i was fifteen. at fifteen, it was fun, light, relaxing. at fifteen, i thought it was neat. i played in the shallow water and loved it. but now? its heavy. almost every day, i find out something new or put something together that deepens my understanding. i know it intimately, and will only learn more in years to come, and each thing i learn only makes me love it more.

but even so. sometimes i go weeks or months having to remind myself that yes i do love this. i get so caught up in the grind that i sometimes struggle to love it. i do love, i really do. but not in the same way that I loved it when I was fifteen.

[sigmabateman]

thank you so much @velvetcrowbar444 for tagging me to talk about 5 things im obsessed with at the moment!!

this got longer than i anticipated so im putting it under the cut, but for simplicity's sake i'll tag people up here: @nights-decay, @boycentriccplot, @flaming-tsunami, @sourgelatin no pressure though of course!

persona 5... ok i have to be honest ive been really reluctant to talk about this on here and its why ive been quiet the past at least week or so. no idea why. i guess cause its so different from the stuff i usually post about that i feel like, embarrassed? but i started playing persona 5 royal around may and really liked it but i didnt have the time to properly get into it until now and it has completely taken over my life entirely without me even realising. to be honest i could obsess over like a rock on the ground if i saw it at the right time in my life but hands down persona 5 is one the best if not the best game ive ever played in my life. the story is engaging, the characters are distinctive and realistic and i really really care about all of them, the gameplay is so much fun and combat is buttery fucking smooth like nothing ive ever played before, the music is top tier and what got me interested in the game in the first place, and the ART DIRECTION. it speaks for itself to be honest ESPECIALLY compared to the older games. i was shocked starting persona 4 because of how different it is to persona 5 like, persona 5 has SUCH a distinct visual identity as well as tone, themes, imagery etc it is all just so stunning and perfect and i want to live in it. but i think about it so often like literally 24/7 that i may as well be. i <3 persona 5 and i <3 YUSUKE KITAGAWA. he's definitely my favourite character and he came out of NOWHERE but hes actually everything in the world to me. one of the characters ever.

persona 4 is it a copout to say that? i did try and condense both games into one bullet point but 1. they're such a mainstay in my life right now i was struggling to think of more points and 2. it kind of lost its precision and didn't effectively convey just how personapilled i am right now. i originally wasn't gonna play 4, all i knew is that it was more difficult and less good so i thought i should stay away. but if you go anywhere persona-related on the internet (which i would warn against, the fandom is a fucking cesspit the likes of which i havent seen in a long time as an obscure-shit-enjoyer) you'll quickly run into adachi. and as a lover of men with high-pitched voices and sexypedia entries... i couldn't stay away. before even starting the game i had made a d6 and d20 with different adachis on each face so really it was just a matter of time. and you know what... it's not that bad. the graphics were a SHOCKING step down but i find the low(er) poly style really charming. the adachi model is too cute T_T whenever i see it in the game world i just wanna sit with it for ages. i wonder if i could get it like 3d printed so i could keep him on my desk with me at all times... its bad for me ! the combat is fucking clunky espeically compared to 5 and i kind of hate it but that just makes it more rewarding when i can finally stop LOL. some of the characters (especially the main few (yosuke, chie, yukiko)) took a bit to grow on me but its kind of sweet.. its like authentic.. our relationship is growing as i get to know them better... but dojima and nanako ive loved since i first set eyes on them. too cute. it makes me feel so fatherless. its like.. a lot more magnetic than i expected it to be. i love it even with all its flaws. i saw a meme about it being like twin peaks and thats kind of so real. and you know i love a murder mystery... so yeah tldr i like persona now. but its hard to talk about it on here because it is such a big fandom but not like an active one like spiderman or like good omens or whatever slightly more normal people are watching so its kind of intimidating. maybe ill get over myself, maybe ill go silent for 3 months until i get into something new. we'll see i guess LOL

my gender identity TUMBLR MOMENT I KNOW but i dont know.. ive had a lot of time to myself recently and its kind of brought things to the surface that i just didnt have time or space to think about before. turns out there was a LOT OF STUFF i was repressing without even knowing. like that tweet 'im probably nonbinary but i have a job so idrc about that rn'. i posted on instagram "gender around cis people: boy, gender around trans people: girlboy, gender by myself: computer program" and that kind of sums it up i think. can i coin like.. complicatedgender. where your answer to the question "whats your gender?" is "it's complicated..." cause thats me. its just COMPLICATED okay!!!! but my pronouns havent changed or anything so its chilllllll

going to bed at a reasonable time. i phrased that like a joke answer but its true. i downloaded pokemon sleep and now i go to bed at 11:30pm cause at 11 i get a notification saying my pokemon are sleepy and shit i gotta take care of my pokemon!! i dont even know if its doing me any good to be honest like i dont feel much better when i wake up but making myself get into bed and shut my eyes means more thinking time and to be honest my favourite activity is thinking. even if as silly as it sounds i never give myself time to do it. its playing a weirdly big role in my life rn so yeah id say im obsessed with it!!!

this asmr video. im secretly always posting about asmr so really i could just say that, but like, ASMR | The Mortician (No Talking – You're Dead) specifically is such a mainstay i can feel its influence seeping into my life like an infection. this video would actually show up in my recommended for YEARS but i never watched it. gave me a major ick for some reason. but then i got into this guys stuff and saw it again and thought id give it a go and now its like an extra limb. fuck my 3rd bullet point, this is my gender identity. i could not articulate in words what it is about the mortician that i love so much, but i really really do. i am certifiably obsessed. cant believe i made it through this whole thing without mentioning alex. but there you are. yay this was fun :D

[spockandawe]

hello! i came across your wips button and i wonder if youll ever go do them? the transformers ones sound super good!!

That.... is an excellent question and one I'm not super equipped to answer! The boring downer angle is that I've been horribly, immovably blocked on art and writing for a long while now, and it drives me nuts trying to shake that AND i rarely have any luck. I know i can write pretty darn well, and I can do it FAST, there was a hot minute where i successfully held myself to uploading at least one piece of art or writing per day. That pace was never going to last, my art got better and my fics got longer, plus i went from languishing in the falling action of grad school to having an actual job, which was both a less flexible schedule and also more money to explore other hobbies. But that period of my life really drove home how important that rhythm and periodicity is to me, and i haven't been able to recapture that in years.

As it is right now, if i manage to finish anything, it's only going to happen with either a fandom at the VERY very forefront of my mind (svsss or the raksura core au right now), or with an idea too fresh and good and crunchy to resist, independent of fandom (there's a dungeon meshi idea lightly haunting me). Transformers is a remarkably good playground, I love it SO much, but it's been years since I reread any significant part of it, so the ideas aren't flowing. I trust my old ideas, but if the canon isn't fresh, or I'm not actively talking about it, the spark is unlikely to catch. There's an off-chance of me reacting to an idea in some other fic via a medium of transformers smut, but I'm also struggling to read right now too 🥲

But! But!!!! A thing ive noticed and that drives me bananas is that when i move, the shape of my hobbies changes. I vibed really well with writing in NJ and MA, and COMPLETELY lost the ball when i relocated to VA. I cross-stitched in NJ, faded in MA, and lost it in VA. I bookbound like nuts in VA, but i just did a local move, and I'm no longer getting the reaction of 'I'm idle, I should make a book.' I don't know where things will go, first was a rush to unpack my boxes, then was a rush to learn to paint a room, and now my home is full of jumbled furniture and objects and I'm so overwhelmed that all I want to do is lie in bed and level grind in video james.

Teal deer, i can't tell what hobby is going to take center stage now, and it's driving me nuts. But it could be writing! I'm much more confident about my writing than lots of other creative endeavors. I also want to revisit canon for a lot of old fandoms. I think the wip list predates my cnovel phase, but i have two beefy svsss wips, and at least two short ones, and two aus I'd love to flesh out. I have raksura core writing. I have a tf bookbinding project that's been languishing for. 1.5 years. But if i can find my momentum, I'll be diving back into canon. And i really think 5-10k of hard weird emotional smut really is my wheelhouse. I wish so hard i could recapture that energy! This is a response much longer than it needed to be, but just imagine me as the WHY ARE YOU CLOSED meme at my own brain, and much more confused and frustrated than anyone else that I don't write anymore 🤣

[bingobongobonko]

Hi Bingo! I just wanted to say that I've been lurking and looking at your art for your lancer campaign for a while now and I think it's so cool! You've kinda inspired me to check out the system for myself too! I hope it's not too much trouble/making you retread anything you've talked about before, but I'd be really interested to hear your thoughts on the system and how it's worked out for your campaign! I really love mecha stuff, but I think the genre can be pretty rife with militarism that I'm not super into. I get the sense though that you've been able to find a good way to slot these really cool characters into the setting and focus on their interactions while also getting the fun of that sweet sweet mech combat. My inquiry is very low stakes haha, so nw if you don't have time to gather all your thoughts (I know that if I was tasked to talk about my own campaigns my head would burst into flames just trying to sift through what I'd want to say :P) Anyway, just a little friendly wave to you to say your art is very inspirational, and keep up the great work!

OH WOW this is . whuhh. WOW! sorry im like. wtff. i mean i ramble about my characters a lot but i didn't think anyone else actually gave a fuck which is completely ok, i just WHUHH..!!! holy shit. excitement aside, i get where you're coming from. honestly i was never into the mecha genre, but lancer rpg really made me realize how cool it is! like im not a really technical guy, and i feel like lancer is VERY strategy-heavy in combat; unless you know what you're doing and what everything does, you can easily get overwhelmed with all the features and all the things to consider in the math. for me its a lot because i struggle with spatial understanding and any sort of mathematics. that's my only real gripe on the system, but that might also just be every other system as well. it's more of a personal issue than that of the system, my friends all picked it up super quick. as for the genre, yeah, i find militaristic shit a drag and mecha has the same feel to me. its got a layer of professionalism and seriousness i don't enjoy, nor wish to play along with, so i get what you mean yeah. thankfully my friend who dms the campaign is just. Holy fuck; she just has a huuuge extra care for character stories and weaving them into the narrative she explores. so really, its her i've to thank for making mecha stuff FUN for me. lancer can certainly run hand-in-hand with militaristic-focused rp, i was in a oneshot with that sole focus and while it was interesting, without that interesting narrative stuff you kind of lose steam, but ive grown so fond of dog days cuz of how my friend lets our characters develop AND helps them do that. that and the way she sets up the story, just. FUUUUCK. the military is an afterthought in what is a fight against time and para-causality sinking its teeth into what little sanity we have. we fight against something that is a victim and a perpetrator. we're the worst people to be tasked to be saving an entire planet too, but here we are. as cheesy as it is, it's all about who you play with. thats the feel i get about most systems. honestly why im so ehhh about playing with strangers, when i'd rather play with people i like. all systems strike me as more of a tool; its the way you use em yk? the experience you get from them are more reflective of who you're telling a story with (or fighting alongside, there's no right way to play. i just really like narrative storytelling). so really, ive to thank my friends, especially @spaginithethird who introduced me to lancer in the first place as a dm!!!!!!!!!! TO A LOT OF SYSTEMS ACTUALLY shes rlly knowledgeable abt this stuff and very very very sweet too o7 so yeah really, its a really fun system BUT to me, i wouldnt be playing lancer if i didn't have a narrative to go by and follow with people i like. i am always sayin this but its my favorite thing when it comes to ttrpgs

[hpdfag]

Hi!! I hope you’re feeling nicer now, how have you been lately? Has your project gone well? Yesterday I went to Jiluka’s concert in Milan (they’re a metalcore visual kei band if you don’t know them!!) and it was super nice! You can find a lot of clips online if you’re curious, they’re pretty cool. I just wanted to check on you and see how you’re doing now, since last time we talked you weren’t at your best…and don’t worry about sometimes answering a bit more “””dry”””, you’re struggling and I completely understand that! I don’t feel ignored or overlooked at all either, so it’s all fine. I really missed speaking to you more…

- 🧶

hihi !! i am feeling a bit better now, i've just been so stressed out about school and that tends to translate to more frequent paranoia which becomes more frequent psychotic episodes and.. u know how it goes /silly

my project is going really well!! once i have some free time this week im going to work on coding in an artbook and notebook to host my art and writing so it can persist even if i deactivate digiitaldaydreams like my past accounts :] it'll be nice to have a proper archive of it all!

and that sounds super super cool, i'm so glad u got to go!! i'm going to a concert myself soon, i'm gonna be seeing mitski in portland in a few weeks :D it's super exciting even if im a bit nervous about how big the concert is gonna be ... ive been to three concerts already but they were all pretty small in comparison ^_^;; (if you're curious, all three were first aid kit performances! they were certainly big but not Sold Out Moda Center big ... they just filled up a modest concert hall but it was still magical!)

thank u so much for checking in on me, im sorry that ive been so worked up lately there's just been so much on my mind on top of the baseline anxiety so its so easy to just. spontaneously enter a panic attack or episode .. which sucks !! i do not enjoy it truly !!

and thank u, even if u dont mind it, it still makes me feel bad to not be able to respond as well as i'd like. i hope that this wall of text makes up for it a little bit! i've missed speaking to you more too, i hope you're doing alright urself :D

[discluded]

some people think the new mileapo movie would not be a love story 💀💀💀💀 have they confirmed that it's a love story tho?

*MUFFLES SCREAMS* I wrote the entire reply and it got swallowed by Tumblr. This is the 5th time I've made this mistake because I am a FOOLE (though more likely it's because tumblr's editor sucks). Anyway, here we go again.

Formally, the film's genre is historical. And its working title is #ThaiPeriodMovie while they tease us about the movie title.

However, several things stood out to me in the way this film has been discussed (potential spoilers, but mostly fan theory!)

Here's Apo speaking about how the film came about at Kis x Farger and how Pond contextualized Mile's role in the film. Please note the conjecture is one of the translator's theories, not what was explicitly said. But the part about Mile was what was said 🤗

Pond then came up with the idea that it would be so gorgeous if Apo could perform a Thai dance. Pond also said that Mile has a personality that goes well with Apo* so together they should make a movie that celebrates Thai culture.

[*they may be a couple lead in their movie]

Also, this LGBTQ Thai youtuber was able to identify cultural details in just the short trailer. He starts talking about some of the important details around 6:27 (which I am not retyping again)

Basically, he was able to identify that Apo was performing a Lakhon Nai, which is performed in the royal court and traditionally only had female dancers even for male roles.

However, he noted that because Apo was a male dancer in the royal court, the movie likely takes place in the period of King Rama IV-V, which was most likely validated by BOC's production staff recently!

He also theorized that Apo and Bas were were performing Inao (Punji), which is a Lakhon Nai epic that had queer elements. I can't find a good English source about this epic, so watch the video to learn what he has to say about the story.

He mentioned the possibility that in the movie, there might the duality with a reflection of Apo's character having a stage life in an epic with a queer story while the character's real life is embroiled in a love affair with the handsome Taphon player 😝

Actually, I was rewatching the Leslie Cheung and Hong Kong LGBT Cinema video essay a couple of weeks back and this part really stood out to me as what they might be trying to do with this film.

The film cleverly ties homosexuality to traditional Chinese art, making an, at the time, unfamiliar topic much more approachable to a Chinese audience, allowing the audience to feel the loss, pain, and persecution LGBT people had been feeling.

But its contribution to inclusivity is, perhaps, even more direct than that. The casting of Leslie Cheung in the role creates this feeling that we aren't looking at a fictional character, we are facing the real struggle of Leslie Cheung. Leslie was sympathetic, so his characters, and by extention LGBT people, were sympathetic.

Anyway, this is all speculation! I want to point out again that historical LGBTQ films don't need to have a romantic plot, AND even if a romance between characters occur it's often interwoven with the characters' other struggles and drama/tragedy of the period. Don't expect KPTS episode 8 😭

I'm less bothered by whether or not Mile and Apo's characters will be queer than the fact that so many people are openly dismissing that they can't be queer in the film because it's a historical film (what). As @cookiedoughfiesta mentioned to me, some idiots have said that they can't be gay because it's a historical film and gay people didn't exist then (THE IRONY OF SUFFERING HOMOPHOBES EVERY DAY IN THIS FANDOM 💀💀💀)