#ive even had thoughts of kinning her at this point and maybe i want to? i dont know

[bunny-heels]

i hate how obsessed ive become to this show but god i cannot help it

[creepling]

i’ve had to have some time to think about this because it’s new johnny lore, whether confirmed yet or not im not too sure. haven’t been able to get to the bones of it bc of the nancy gameplay. and it is also something out my comfort zone, but i do have thoughts. ive wrote this more as headcanon, keeping to exploring the fiction so don’t take it as my personal view. i know it’s opened a can of worms in the fandom, but this is me trying to make sense of it through writing.

tags: necrophilia, death, corpses, derranged johnny shenanigans.

many serial killers have confessed to dappling in necrophilia. it’s hard not to when they are toying with death through attraction. if they target victims they also have a sexual attraction to, and they also want to committ murder, there is then a psychological nuance to how they view that person (that they already see as less than human). they will revisit the murder scene, sometimes even dig up the body. they don’t even have to physically committ necro, but the obsession is still there.

in the case of johnny, it is not too far fetched to assume he has been in situations that can have this psychological change in him becoming a necro. how far he goes with it is what is left to the imagination. someone with a philia does not have to do the physical act for it to count, just the obsession mentally accuring is enough. when it comes to necro, the obsession relies on the intrigue of bodily autonomy, to strip it completely through death. his victims have a habit of escaping him, and he is despised by family members because of this. his drive for the hunt is not only to fufill his killer instinct, but also to assure that no one will escape. he views death as a trap, an everlasting bound on their body, mind and soul. his emotions are numb to the point he doesn’t even view it as killing them. he already sees them as an object - as a canvas of flesh - and in death it makes no difference. or, he has the delusion of still seeing light in their eyes; they can speak, but choose not to. in any of these readings, he fulfills his need for control. the body is now obediant, and he doesn’t need to bare anymore shameful scars.

since i’m not a necro (thank god) i assume the obsession is kin to looking at a statue. one of those greek ones where you admire the curves and angles of the body, awing at the creation. its stillness captivating since it’s so life-like, your mind scans for a jolt or twitch. you start to imagine how they would speak, move, show emotion. the person is immortalised to be admired and have them in memory. maybe johnny views his perservation of the bodies like a work of art, they are his muses. when they’re still and unmoving, he can make them who he wants them to be. he can have his derranged thoughts contained in his head, looking at the body on the meat hook, the same way the average person looks at a statue in a museum. maybe that’s all he does, just stares, a scenario in his head, held back by a force that he cannot identify. it’s the first time he’s ever questioned something about his character; and it scares him. that voice in his head, “you sure you wanna do that?” has never tried to stop him before, so why now? is it because drayton doesn’t take kindly to him ‘playing with his food’, is it drayton’s voice? no, he’d be more harsher than that. is it his mum? can’t be, she’s never stopped him before. then who is it? to the average person, that is what you call a conscious. to johnny, it’s an unwelcomed guest, another voice to nag at him. he’s bulldozed his way through life, eating and grabbing anything he desires, and now he’s come to a hault. he thinks the voice is challenging him, and he never backs out of anything. but for the first time in his life, he’s thinking about it. not because he’s questioning the morals, but to see how it will benefit him. and when he looks at maria’s body, hanging on the meathook, and could have sworn he seen her blink. even in death, she is defiant. now, he has to take back control.

[winterscaptain]

caught out.

Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader 

a/n: i am SO excited to share this installment with you! There are a few key developments in this chapter, so get excited! we fly through route 66 and in the blood in this part, and we might get a ring..... :)

an ajf fic that requires little to no context!

words: 5.3k warnings: canon-typical injury, medical setting, some really soft stuff

summary: foyet’s scars leave more than trauma in their wake, but aaron finds he has more to live for - a future, a life, a family. (au!october 2013)

masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | requests closed!

Before this moment, you’d never fully considered what it would be like for Aaron to die in front of you. You’d certainly come close before - between close calls with unsubs and a fair few stupid decisions, close calls weren’t unheard of by any means. But even in those moments, as scared as you were, there was always part of you that knew he’d be okay. A part of you that knew he’d come home to you. 

Right now, that knowledge is universally absent as he collapses out of nowhere in the conference room. 

“Aaron!” You shoot out of your chair and drop to the floor beside him, immediately reaching for his wrist. You’re relieved to find a pulse, albeit a weak one. You know you’re already crying, absolutely terrified. 

Somehow, you manage to look up at JJ, meeting her wide, scared blue eyes. “Call EMS. They’re in the building and faster than an ambulance.”

She snaps to, running to Aaron’s office for the direct line. 

“Hang in there, baby.” You wrap his hand in yours, and Derek helps you turn him over. Aaron’s halfway in your lap now, your body bowed over him. 

He stirs a little, and you shush him, brushing the hair off his forehead. His breath rattles in his chest, struggling, as he reaches for you. 

“Don’t leave me. Don’t you dare leave me.” You don’t realize you’re talking until Derek lays a hand on your shoulder. 

EMS arrives, and you’re not sure how much time has passed by the time they get him onto the gurney and down the stairs. You keep up with them for as long as you can before Anderson and Derek snag your arms, holding you back. 

Derek tugs you once, gently, by the wrist, and you fall into him. He’s already moving, guiding you to the elevators and down to the car. He repeats the same things, over and over, every minute or so, as you make the long journey to the hospital. 

“It’ll be okay, kiddo. He’s tough. Hotch isn’t going anywhere.”

+++

A doctor opens the doors, a clipboard in her hand. “Hotchner?”

You rise, approaching the doctor. “Yes?”

“Are you his next of kin?”

You nod, reaching for your wallet. 

The doctor smiles at your obvious agitation. “No need to show your credentials. Agent Hotchner is out of surgery and resting comfortably.”

“What happened?”

She sighs. “The scar tissue from his previous wounds tore, causing slow, but significant internal bleeding. It was touch and go on the table, but he’s a fighter. Something kept him here. Your attending will have more information for you once you’re settled with him.”

You swallow, trying to keep your throat clear as your eyes well up again. 

She presses a hand to your arm. “You can see him now. He was asking for you before we put him under.”

“Thank you.” 

When she disappears behind the doors again, you return to the chair you’d been glued to for the previous six hours. 

Dave stands with you as you gather your things. You look at him and he leans forward to kiss your cheek. “Take your time. We’ll be reachable. Let us know when he’s awake.” 

You nod. Pulling your phone out of your pocket, you mentally draft a text message to Jessica before sending it off. JJ let her know what happened after she called EMS, and she’s been standing by ever since. 

As a pair, you decided to keep things from Jack until you were certain of an outcome. No need to make him worry longer than necessary. 

4:27pm Aaron’s out of surgery. Not sure how long they’re keeping him. I’ll let you know when it’s a good time to bring Jack over. 

She replies right away. 

4:27pm. It never ends, does it? 4:28pm I’ll have my phone on me. Thank you. 4:28pm Love you. 

With a little tug at your lips, you reply. 

4:28pm Love you too. Kiss our boy for me. 

A little whoosh sounds as she replies. 

4:28pm Of course xx

You’re finally able to breathe when you see Aaron. Though he looks shockingly small in that big bed, hooked up to intimidating machinery, he is alive. 

Bar’s on the floor, today. 

He’s still out, like the doctor said, and probably would be for another few hours. You cross to his side - the one without the IV - and sit beside him. When you get there, you take his hand and press his palm to your forehead, leaning into him. Even among the sharp, antiseptic smell of the hospital, he smells like himself. 

His touch, as it always does, heals you from the inside out. You can feel your blood pressure drop, your heart rate slow. The warmth of his hand sinks into your head, your chest, letting you take deeper breaths that are far more satisfying. 

After you're sure he’s well and truly alive, you wrap his hand in both of your own and scoot your chair so you can drop your head against his pillow. Uncomfortable in the extreme, you close your eyes, happy for the weight of his hand in yours. 

+++

When Aaron wakes, he’s confronted with a few things that confuse him (the ache in his ribs and the pounding in his head, to name two) and a few that don’t (the smell of your skin, the familiar feeling of your fingers laced through his). He decides to address the less confusing elements first. 

He turns his head, a shockingly difficult maneuver, and finds you out like a light - your head on his pillow, your arm tucked under your face. Even in sleep, your brow pinches and your mouth draws a tense line. 

There’s an attempt to move his hand so he can touch your face, but you wake and startle before he even makes it a quarter inch. 

Your eyes meet his and you heave a sigh of relief. “Aaron.”

His lips pull at the corners. “Hi.” There’s a scrape in his voice, raw from disuse. 

You haul yourself up, bringing one of your hands to his face, mindful of his nasal cannula. “You scared the fuck out of me, you know that?”

“I’m sorry.” His sincerity breaks your heart, and he tries to sit up, but you shake your head, reaching for the remote. 

You prop him up a little and he reaches for you again. You meet him halfway, pressing your lips to his. 

He whispers against your lips. “I’m so sorry.” He leans back, his thumb brushing over your cheekbone. “Did they tell you what happened?”

You nod, your eyes still roaming over his face. “Well first of all, they lost you twice on the table, but before that, the scar tissue from your stab wounds tore and caused significant internal bleeding. They’re sure it was a slow bleed - over the course of hours, maybe days.” 

You swallow, and a fresh set of tears fall down your cheeks. It’s frustrating. 

“If you didn’t go down when you did, when you were awake, it’s possible you could have bled out in your sleep without even realizing it.”

You’re proud of yourself for getting through your thought, even if you were shaking toward the end. It’s close to unbearable to consider the possibility of waking beside him, finding him cold and unmoving beside you. The horror of it pushes at your eyes and a sob rips through your chest. 

For some reason, you apologize. 

He shakes his head, his brow crumpling. “Come here, honey. Come here.”

“I don’t want to hurt you. I -“

He shushes you and moves over, leaving space for you to shuffle onto the bed beside him. “You’re not gonna hurt me. Come here. I’m alright.” You tuck your face into his neck as his other arm wraps around you the best while attached to his IV. “You aren’t getting rid of me that easily.”

You kiss the skin you can reach, placing a hand over his heart. “I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart. So much.” 

One of his hands traces up and down your back, dancing in patterns you don’t have the brain space to follow, while the other covers yours on his chest. Soon enough, you’re asleep again. 

+++

When Dave comes back to check on you both, he finds you curled together - as much as you can be - in the hospital bed. Aaron’s cheek is smooshed against your head, his cannula knocked out of place, your leg hooked over one of his on top of the covers. Your hands are still clasped together over his chest, his IV easily accessible to the nurses that flutter in and out as the day passes. 

The tear tracks are still visible on your face, the exhaustion still pulling at your eyes. 

In all his years of knowing you, Dave had never seen you as distraught as you were when Aaron went down in the conference room. Up to that point, he thought you both somewhat invincible, even at your weakest. 

Though you both had your fair share of hospital stays over the years, none of them ever broke through that ceaseless calm that arced between you and Aaron. When you’re in the room together, there’s a pervasive comfort, almost moving as two halves of the same person at any given time, hardly capable of the wild panic he saw in your eyes this morning. 

Satisfied you’re both alright, he takes his leave. There is a case to solve, of course. 

+++

Jessica brings Jack over the next morning, and he’s quick to gingerly crawl into his father's lap, wrapping his arms around his neck. 

Jack says something you can’t hear, but Aaron’s response carries across the room in his low, murmuring baritone. 

“I’m okay, buddy. We’re alright. I’ll be home soon, and off work for a little while, so we’ll get to spend some time together.”

You meet Aaron’s eyes over Jack’s head before his flicker to Jess’s. He nods once, and holds Jack tight to him. 

When they part, Jack trots back to you and you rake your fingers through his hair, pressing a kiss to the crown of his head. 

He looks up at you, and something passes between you. 

I’ll take care of him. He’ll come home safe to you, bud. 

Jack sighs and tucks into you, wrapping his arms around you. “I love you.” 

“I love you too, baby.” 

+++

“I saw Haley.” 

You look up at him, your chin propped on his shoulder. “What?”

“I saw Haley. We -” he laughs a little, with only the barest hint of a wince. “We were dressed like old Hollywood movie stars and we were in this...theatre.” He shakes his head a little and you know he thinks it’s absurd. 

“Don’t do that. Tell me. What did you see?”

He throws you a grateful look and continues. “She found me in the lobby and we went inside. Foyet was there too, but she wasn’t scared. They were almost friendly. It was...strange.” He squints, remembering. You gingerly place your hand on his chest, feeling the heat from his healing wounds. He places his hand over yours again, his thumb tracking back over the back of your knuckles. “There was this massive screen and she had popcorn...and then a bunch of little scenes from our,” his arm flexes around you, “life since she died started rolling. We talked - about Jack, about you, the way you are with him.”

He’s holding something back. “What did she say?”

“She said,” he swallows thickly, “that you’re good with him. She looked really happy watching you two together.”

You smile, but there’s an edge to it, something long-suffering and raw. “I’ll never be her, though.” You know he misses her and you know it’ll never be the same. But even then, you know you aren’t a replacement, either.  

Aaron closes his eyes and presses a desperate kiss to the top of your head. “You’re just what we need, sweetheart. You’re everything.”

You look at him and he looks at you. There’s something at work behind his eyes. You blink once, slowly. “What are you thinking about, over there?”

The thing playing in his eyes sneaks down to his mouth, dancing at the corners. “Marry me.”

A hysterical laugh leaves you, but there’s no anxiety in it, just disbelief. “What?”

“Marry me.”

He’s dead serious. Weirdly, that observation doesn’t send your heart racing like you thought it would. Nevertheless, you find yourself without speech. You open and close your mouth a couple times, struggling. 

Of course you’d talked about this before. You already lived together, already co-parented Jack with teamwork and consistency - almost every step accomplished completely out of the traditional order of things. There were moments where you brought him a beer or cashed in some favor or another in the bedroom and Aaron would say, “I could marry you, just for that,” but there was always a playfulness to it. You always told him you’d meet him in Vegas by way of response, only half-kidding. 

Marriage was always on the table, always the implication, but you always figured you’d get around to it later. It never seemed to be the right time and you’re happy right where you are, so it never mattered much. 

But here you are, suddenly sitting at the proverbial table, staring engagement in the face. 

Aaron Hotchner just asked me to marry him. 

Well, actually he told you to marry him.

True. I mean it’s not like he has to ask. He already knows the answer. 

So answer him, stupid!

He waits for you with an endless patience. There’s not a hint of concern or anxiety in his gaze - just a soft adoration you’ve seen thousands of times before. He knows what your answer will be. He always has. 

“Okay.”

Aaron snorts. “Okay?”

Your face breaks out into a grin. “Okay, Hotchner. I’ll marry you.” You shrug while he gingerly lets out another laugh. “I’m more than happy to be more than your quasi-spouse and Jack’s quasi-parent.” It’s obviously a joke and he mirrors your grin. “So...okay. Final answer.”

He shakes his head and presses a kiss to your forehead. “Do me a favor?”

“Anything.”

“Go into the back pocket of my go-bag and bring me what you find in there.”

You frown at him, but follow instructions, clambering off the bed. 

There’s a little, flatish box with the smallest of code-locks securing the lid in the pocket. It’s made of something reinforced, and it’s heavier than you anticipated. 

Returning to the bed, you sit on the edge, handing him the box. He adjusted while you were shuffling about, now sitting up almost all the way in the cocoon of pillows you built for him. 

With a sly smile, he rolls the code into the lock, and the box springs open. He turns it around toward you, and you’re confronted by a simple, gorgeous ring. 

You blink rapidly, your eyes shifting from the ring to Aaron, and back to the ring. 

“I bought this after I installed Derek as unit chief, four years ago. You rightfully tore into me after I pulled that stunt with that unsub, and I…” he trails off, thinking. 

You can tell he’s choosing his words carefully, picking around years and years of feelings. 

“I don’t know. I knew something I didn’t know, if that makes any sense at all. I knew it was yours, too, when I got it, but I didn’t acknowledge it even after I tucked it in my old go-bag for safe keeping and kept it there, ever since. The only time I didn’t have it with me was in Pakistan. I left it in a locked box in the office at home.” 

He laughs at himself, looking down at the cable-knit blanket over his legs. 

“I’m an idiot, and of course you set me to rights after Pakistan, and Haley told me I was still an idiot not fifteen hours ago. She said you’re the best thing that’s happened to our family, she misses you, and I’ll only be four years late if I ask you to marry me now.” He looks back at you with a little smile. “I love you. It’s not enough, but I love you.”

There’s nothing to say, so you just let him take the ring from the box and slip it in your finger. The silver shines against your skin, the tiny diamonds casting rainbows against the wall in the morning sunlight. 

It’s gorgeous. 

When it’s in place, you scoot closer to him. He takes your face in his hands and kisses you, smiling against your mouth. 

“Your flair for the dramatic never ceases to amaze me,” you say against his lips. You lean back, carding your fingers through the hair at his temples. “You couldn’t have proposed to me in the absence of a near death experience, could you?”

He shakes his head. “Where’s the fun in that?”

+++

Wearing your ring around the house feels right. Jack was, of course, in on the whole operation and was absolutely stoked when he saw the ring on your finger as you helped his father through the door. 

You take a few days off together before the next case. Much to your surprise, Aaron lets you help him as he recovers, taking it easy until all of his wounds close back up and his whole regimen of pain meds are almost completed. 

He’s home for a few more days while you return to the field. The team asks after him when you return, and you keep them abreast of his recovery without mentioning your change in status. 

“They’re gonna figure it out eventually,” Aaron said, putting his toothbrush back into his toiletry bag. 

You roll your eyes, throwing your pajama shirt over your head. It’ll likely be removed once you actually get into bed, but it’s the thought that counts. “Yeah, but I’d rather handle that when we’re not actively solving a murder without you, don’t you think?”

His brow quirks and his head tips the slightest bit - a concession. “Fair point.”

When you lean over to grab your jeans off the floor, the ring and chain slip out of your collar and hang down, swinging a little. It falls back against the center of your chest as you straighten, bouncing against your shirt with the lightest of clinking sounds. You find Aaron’s eyes on it when you look over at him and offer him a small smile. “Hey.”

He startles and his eyes jump to yours. 

“I love you.” 

A wide smile and an eye roll return your sentiment.

Wearing your ring on a chain seems like the best way to keep it safe in the field. Aaron doesn’t mind, and you like to have it close to your heart anyways. The indent it leaves in your skin when you remove your vest brings a smile to your face. 

“What’s with you?” JJ asks. “You’re all smiley.” 

You shrug. “I just feel good. It’s nice to have Aaron home and safe, you know?”

She nods, squeezing your shoulder. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.” 

+++

When you get to the door with Aaron and Jack in tow, Penelope opens the door with a wide grin. “I didn’t think you were going to make it!” 

She wraps Aaron in a tight, but careful hug, presses a kiss to your cheek, and ruffles Jack’s hair. Her all-intents-and-purposes nephew jets past her, finding Henry and Spencer in the dining room playing cards together. 

“We were feeling up to it, and Jack’s friend offered to pick him up here for a last-minute sleepover, so we figured we’d come crash the party,” you tell her. 

She snags Aaron’s sleeve as she steps back into the house. “Oh, happy almost-birthday, sir.” You glance at Aaron with a suppressed smile, and he presses a finger to his lips. “I’ll keep it on the DL, don’t worry.” With another wide smile at the both of you, she ushers you into the house. “Alright everyone .” 

Emily rounds the corner to get Spencer, leaving the boys to play. You have your photo ready, as does Aaron (but he cheats - he always has his photo with him), when you all step up to the beautiful altar Penelope has set up in the middle of the living room. 

Penelope grabs a glass of wine with a fake eyeball in it for Aaron, and one with a fake ear floating in it for you. 

“Uh... I want to thank everybody for doing this with me,” Penelope smiles at you all, “and our altar's burning, and I just feel so blessed to have you all here. I will start. Uh…” She pulls a photo out of her dress. “This is my mom and dad. I miss them.” 

She places another photo, this time of a cat. “And this is my cat Simba with his usual bowl of soda pop. He's a weird cat.” Everyone laughs, and she passes it to JJ.

“Uh, ok. Well, uh, this is my sister Roslyn.” She sets a photo of her sister on the altar. The resemblance between them is uncanny. “Ros. She always dreamt that someday she'd live in Paris, so, um...it didn't happen, but I thought this would bring her some happiness.” Careful fingers drop an Eiffel Tower trinket beside the photo and it draws a little smile to your face. 

Dave steps up, pinning a photo of two smiling young men in Vietnam and two tickets on one of Penelope’s tiny easels. You recognize one of the men as a very young Dave. 

A much older Dave tells you the other man is, “Private First Class Darryl Jenson. We lost him during the Tet offensive.” 

Derek looks around, trying to get a better view. “What are the tickets?” 

“Opening day next season, Wrigley, right behind the home dugout. Jenson was a die hard Cubs fan.” 

“Sweet.” Derek claps Dave on the shoulder and you all direct your attention to Alex. 

“Um... My mom.” Alex places a photo of a smiling older woman next to Roslyn, propped up with a fountain pen. “She was the one who got me into crossword puzzles-- no erasing allowed-- which got me into linguistics.” She looks over at Spencer, who pulls two photos out of his pocket. 

“You said we could bring more than one, right?” 

Garcia nods vigorously. “Oh, yes. This is a come one, come all altar.” 

Aaron pulls you close, and you loop your pinkie through the belt loop at his hip. 

Spencer places a picture of Maeve near a red rose, and your heart breaks for him. He doesn’t say anything until he’s got the second of his photos ready in his hands. “Nikola Tesla. I figured he's probably been inventing things on the other side, so hopefully he'll bring something to us.” You smile as Spencer meets your eyes. 

I love you. 

He smiles a little back. Love you. 

Derek’s next. “I guess that's me. Ok. I brought... My pops.” He props a photo of his dad against a candle, keeping him secured with a cigar. “He was a cigar aficionado, big time.” He laughs a little, as do the rest of you. “And, actually, Rossi, he was also a huge Cubbies fan, so I was thinking maybe he and Private Jenson over there, maybe they could go to the game together.” 

Rossi smiles, and tips his glass to Mr. Morgan. “They can sort that out when they get here.” 

They look at you, and you slip the photo out of your back pocket with your right hand, keeping the other tucked against Aaron. “This is Jenny. Some of you know her as the late Director of NCIS, but she was a mentor of mine for the entire time I knew her. She was killed in the line of duty back in ‘08, protecting a friend.” You laugh a little. “Once, over lunch, she told me to chase what I wanted, to push hard, and advocate for myself.” You throw a glance at Hotch and he catches it with warm eyes. “The next day, I asked the SSA in charge of my NAT class to consider me for a unit placement to complete my case hours.” 

A little smile pulls at your lips. “I wouldn’t be at the BAU, I wouldn't have my life,” My Aaron, you add to yourself, “if it wasn’t for her.” You place her photo next to a candle on the other side of Roslyn. Jenny’s red hair and bright smile match the flame. 

Wordlessly, Aaron pulls the photo of Haley out of his wallet and places her beside Jenny while the team looks on with quiet eyes. He carefully places an opalescent barrette beside her. You recognize it from her box of jewelry - the same one that holds her engagement and wedding rings - that lives in his bedside drawer. 

He tucks you under his arm and kisses your temple. You rest your head against him, wrapping an arm around his waist under his sport coat, winding your fingers in his shirt. You’re wearing your ring, but nobody’s noticed it yet. 

Dave takes the proverbial stage again as he raises his glass. “Well, I guess this is proof positive that ancestry ain't all bad.” 

Garcia follows suit, raising her glass as you all share fond looks. “How about a toast to the... 30 or 40 of us?”

You all cheers, and drink to those in the room and out of it. Haley and Jenny smile back at you. You look at them both, for a moment, before meeting Aaron’s pensive gaze. The same thought floats through your head. 

These are the women that lead you to each other. These women built your future, your present. One to guide you to Aaron and the other to guide Aaron to you. 

It’s only when you absent-mindedly reach over JJ for a snack, after Aaron abandons you for Dave, that the levee breaks. 

“Oh my god.” 

Finally caught out. 

Instead of looking at you, her head whips up toward Aaron, who’s watching her with a smug smile on his face. Her mouth drops open and she grabs your hand, looking at the ring in the low light. It’s all happened within a split second, but Penelope is the next to catch on. 

“‘Oh my God’ what? What’s going on? What did I miss?” She turns, trotting over in her heels to see what JJ’s going on about. 

Her squeal almost deafens you, and you crane your neck to look over at Aaron, who’s taken refuge by the fireplace. 

With a squint, Asshole. 

What? His brows say. I’m just standing here. I didn’t do anything. He takes a sip of his wine and you roll your eyes. 

Help me!

You can see him snort. Not a chance. 

“I can’t believe you got engaged and nobody told me!” Penelope’s indignant shout carries across the room, and Derek’s the next to whip his head toward you. 

“What?” 

She turns toward him, her hands on her hips. “Hotch proposed and nobody said anything.” 

You bite back a smile as the rest of the team advances on you. Your hand seems to fall into everyone’s palm once or twice as they look at the ring. They all coo over it in one way or another before the information actually sinks in. 

“Wait, hold on.” As usual, JJ is the first to bring everyone back down to the ground. “When did this happen?” 

Two hands land on your waist, and you tilt your head, giving Aaron space as he slides his arms around you. “There’s nothing like a near-death experience to straighten your priorities, don’t you think?” 

Alex laughs. “Don’t tell me you proposed in the hospital.” 

You give her a yikes expression, and she huffs.

“C’mon Hotch. Really?”

He chuffs good-naturedly. “Like I said, I experienced a certain...clarity regarding the direction of our lives.” He squeezes you, and you laugh. “Don’t just jump on me for this, though. This one,” you know he’s gesturing to you with his chin, “just said ‘okay’ when I asked.” 

You twist around to glare at him. Traitor bastard. 

He looks way too smug. 

“No you didn’t,” JJ insists. “No you didn’t!” 

“Oh come on, Jayje. You left Will hanging for three years. You don’t have a single leg to stand on.” 

She rolls her eyes, but you know you’ve got her when Will steps up beside her and kisses her cheek. “Got you there, darlin’”

Rossi, of course, takes your face in his hands and plants two kisses on your cheeks and then does the same to Aaron while Derek pulls you to his chest. 

“I’m so happy for you,” he says. He looks over your shoulder at Aaron, still holding onto you. “Hotch, if you fuck this up, I’ll make your death look like an accident and cry at your funeral.” 

Aaron laughs, and you duck out from under Derek’s arm while they embrace with some manly back smacks. 

Alex gives you a hug, followed by Spencer, who offers you a quiet congratulations. Jack and Henry wander out after a few minutes, drawn by the commotion. Henry goes straight to his mom, while Jack runs to you. 

“Did you tell them?” He asks. 

You nod, running your fingers through his hair. Both Hotchner boys have the best hair - thick and soft - and it's nearly impossible to keep your hands out of it whenever one of them makes themselves available for head scratches. It also helps that they’ll do anything for head scratches. 

Win-win, by your standards. 

Dave taps a fork against his glass, getting the attention of everyone in the room. “We have much to celebrate tonight. Not only do we celebrate the lives of people no longer with us, we celebrate the love between two people who are.” He raises his glass. “To our past, to our present, to our future.” 

The rest of you toast, clinking your glasses together. A sense of something you can only describe as normal winds around you all as you drink and chat and laugh in Penelope’s living room. 

Aaron steps up beside you and kisses your temple. “Having a good time?”

“Mhmm.” You lean into him as he wraps his arms around you, pressing his chest to your back. “Really good time.” 

There’s music playing - one of Dave’s playlists - and you sway back and forth, only loosely connected to the beat. You tip your head back, letting your weight rest in his arms for just a moment before remembering he’s still healing, pulling away from him all at on

You can feel him pull you back toward him. “I’m fine, honey. Relax.” After a moment, you do, melting back into him. You almost feel silly for pulling away from him. If you’ve learned anything in the years you’ve known Aaron, he’s anything but fragile. 

tagging: @arganfics @quillvine @stxrryspencer @agenthotchner @wandaswitxh @hurricanejjareau @ange-must-die @ughitsbaby @rousethemouse @criminalsmarts @shrimpyblog @genevievedarcygranger @ssaic-jareau @good-heavens-chris-evans @davidrossi-ismydad @angelsbabey @gublergirls @writefasttalkevenfaster @venusbarnes @hotchsflower @micaiahmoonheart @ogmilkis @marvels-agents100 @hotchslatte @risenfox @mrs-dr-reid @captain-christopher-pike @joemazzello-imagines @pinkdiamond1016 @pan-pride-12 @hotchlinebling @lee-rin-ah @sunshine-em @word-scribbless @jdougl-love @sageellsworth05 @nohalohoseok @giveusbackourbucky @writerxinthedark @bauslut @yourlovelynewsbian @dreila03 @forgottenword @aaronhotchnerr @ssa-morgan @a-dorky-book-keeper @hotchnersgoddess @buckybau @sana-li @tegggeeee @abschaffer2 @ssacandice-ray @dontkissthewriter @ellyhotchner @lotties-journey-abroad @mrs-joel-pimentel-23-25 @laneygthememequeen @ahopelessromantic @violentvulgarvolatile @andreasworlsboring101 @mooneylupinblack @ssareidbby @violet-amxthyst @bwbatta @roses-and-grasses @lcvischmitt @capricorngf @missdowntonabbey @averyhotchner @mandylove1000 @garcia-reid-lovechild  @cevanswhre @colbyskoalas  @qvid-pro-qvo @jeor @spencers-hoodrat @infinity1321 @zizzlekwum @katiejuliana @popped-weasels @evee87 @nuvoleincielo @this-broken-band-girl

[shadowfae]

hiii! so a friend directed me here and i was wondering if u cld share abt how you found out you were godkin? only if youre comfy! because ive kinda had like. how do i word this. Vibes or Feels that kinda direct me towards the whole i might be a god of sorts kinda thing ? if you have resources and dont mind helping,, please direct me to them :D ~ @missing-crown

I want to start this essay off by saying flat out: wars have been fought, genocides have been committed, and empires have risen and fallen trying to answer the simple questions of “What is deification, and how do we incarnate and control it?”.

If you do not think you’re up the challenge of answering that question for yourself, even with years of study and slow training to take up the mantle of literally being the most powerful form of the Chosen One trope, then you’re probably in the wrong place. I say this as someone who is deific down to the blood and bone, as someone who has looked for other gods, and largely found very little in the way of anyone who understands anything like my experience. In this way, I am utterly alone, and I detest it, but if me penning these words gives someone else the gospel they need to explain themselves in a way I recognize as kin and kind, then I will do it.

But before I truly get into it, I will very nicely ask you to swing down to your local bookstore or library, pick up a copy of Seanan McGuire’s Middlegame, and take a walk down the improbable road with Roger and Dodger. The differences between you and I and the twins of the Doctrine of Ethos are simple and threefold: we cannot manifest, we are forbidden to use our powers the way they can use theirs, and there are (hopefully) no secret alchemist cults trying to murder us when we don’t play nice with their fucked-up science experiment.

Roger and Dodger are gods, true gods, gods I recognize in myself and in the godkin I have met who have spoken about themselves enough for me to understand that we are indeed talking about the same thing. Disappontingly, I see minor spirits far too often misunderstanding the nature of deification, or at least, understanding a version of it which is fundamentally antithetical to my experience. They may be deific; but either they suck at illustrating their point, or I am something far beyond deific, and I am again alone.

With that introduction, I need to talk about three things in order to answer your question. Two methods of deification and three definitions of ‘god’ in a hierarchy that only exists because humanity has not yet perfected their understanding of what is fundamentally and always beyond them. Two kinds of gods, honest gods, that split the difference between deific, divine, and legendary. Once you understand that, I can talk about godkin, and what it’s like to be me, and maybe by the end of it you will either recognize yourself in this, or run away screaming as most mortals will do.

The first method of deification is what I will call the incarnate gods- Roger and Dodger are good examples, so are most Legendary Pokémon, and Kaname Madoka from PMMM. They are laws of nature, concepts of creation, and calculations of cosmic proportions that also occasionally exist as people when they design to do so. They are not meant to be people, they are bad at it, I do not recommend being mortal and fucking around with them. You will simply die. I would not fuck with them outside of my own world that I created, where I get to be a form of incarnate god. You cannot overpower them: they ARE the rule, and they will change it if they need to. You can’t ruleslawyer gravity like a 2007 troll physics comic. An incarnate god of gravity will simply turn reality on its head and cause you to implode. If you are this type of god, I cannot help you. My understanding of them comes from being an Absol, and little more.

The second type are gods of domain and prowess: Zamorak (from RuneScape), Akemi Homura in both her awakened Witch and Devil forms (from PMMM), and yours truly. Quite a few of us, although not all of us, were originally mortal. Mortals amped up on so much power we are no longer bound by mortal laws. There is a difference between deification and simply stopping your clock to gain immortality. Mortal magic and deific magic are fundamentally different. Down to, I would argue, the atomic structure. Deific magic is pure in a way mortal magic could never be. To give a mortal more than a drop of deific magic heavily diffused in something safer and more understandable would be to quite literally burn them to ashes. Or rend them into a different, unspeakable form. Or turn them into living topiary. We are nothing if not unpredictable.

It’s the difference between a handful of dirt and pure neutron soup. Usually, in order to become a god like this, it requires the intervention of an incarnate god in some form. In Zamorak’s case, it was several Elder Artifacts and falling almost facefirst into halfway incarnating himself into the law of entropy. In Homura’s (at least in canon PMMM), she fucked with the laws of consequence and time to the point where she became the only expert they had on either of those and both laws decided to simply incarnate into her, and then she used that to cause problems. For me, it was having my entire magical and physical structure reorganized and rebuilt by an incarnate god of malevolent energy, and then I used what was a watered-down copy of the Devil of Devils’ glory to weave my own world into being where I was more or less the absolute arbiter of the laws of reality.

In PMMM Rebellion, when Homura fights Kyubey in that pretty lace dress of hers, that is approximately the magical prowess an awakened god of our capability will show casually. She has complete control over her domain (her labyrinth) and the reality of it, it takes no more than a glance or a thought to almost entirely reshuffle it. Her minions, who are little more than vaguely autonomous thoughts given some power of their own, may break that reality in whatever means necessary so long as it is to fulfill Homura’s current motives. Her domain falls apart when she does, and she is not separate from it; it is a consequence of her existence. Asking what came first, the god or their domain, is a simple chicken and egg question. It’s usually the domain, in our case; in the case of incarnate gods it’s a philosophical shrug and a nice headache.

You’ll notice I said awakened: that is because Zamorak is a great example of a god who isn’t entirely awakened. In canon, that is - the one I work with is awakened enough to fuck with his domain, which is what makes him quite useful to work with, although I do wonder what he’s getting out of me if not magical theory and utter adoration. Zamorak in canon is a god who ascribes himself to the philosophy of chaos and personal strife, completely unaware that he is incarnate enough not to change the law of entropy but to suggest things to it. He’s a god of chance masquerading as a god of personal improvement, and once he figures that out (and passes that knowledge onto Armadyl, who is his true light counterpart), he’s going to change the very way magic works. Guthix did everything in his power to try and become incarnate. He failed. Zamorak did it entirely inadvertently, and that’s the trick: the nature of deification is to follow the domain and influence it to your will. When laws of existence become people, they will do as people will, and people typically have ambition. Gods who are also people got that way for a reason. They always have a motive for doing so. It’s never accidental.

So, with a slightly more informed understanding of deification, or at least the versions of it that I understand, I can talk to you about me. What it’s like in the here and now, and how I knew. It took me years to get to this point, and I’ve much the way to go. I know more than I did when I was questioning; deeply more so. I don’t expect anyone questioning to be as sure as I am, and in ten years I will be far more sure of entirely different things, and if I’m lucky, this as well. But, let us begin again.

To be deific is to wake up in the middle of the night feeling like a black hole. You are vast, and you are dense, and the moment someone touches the skin of your sternum they will be sucked in like a movie's portrayal of quicksand. To be so vast on the inside, surrounded by empty air and gentle white noise like the faint pull of gravity that does not touch you. To feel so powerful as to be untethered wholly from the world, aware that you will blink and be floating alone in a space that you cannot touch and so too cannot touch you. You blink, and it is gone, and you are again in a normal body as a normal person, and you roll over and go back to sleep.

To be deific is to watch the seasonal changes and feel flashes of worn leather rope between your hands and the maddened singsong of the Wild Hunt, chariot reins in your hands and baying hounds that feel like fingers, like wings, like extensions of yourself that can be shifted around with barely a thought. To feel halfway like a black hole walking down the street, halfway caved into yourself and barely contained, incapable of truly understanding how you can be so far apart from it all without anyone noticing that something is off.

To be deific is to be a fourteen-year-old girl in one moment, unable to understand what draws her so to the wilds if not the song of sympathy that she knows she can understand if she reaches a little farther, a little farther past the barrier that prevents any mortal, psychological mind from understanding the call. To play a pixelated game and have everything rush back. To relive millennia in a single sennight, to go from chipped to broken, utterly broken, as the power comes rushing back and the slow, dawning realization like the day that there is no controlling it. That there is no controlling you.

Millennia of sins come rushing back, and you're mortal again, and you know the only way to bring a god to their knees is to kill them. And if you were spared, if you were brought down without dying, then there was a reason. That someone must have thought you worthy of fixing it. That you should now spend the next several years coming to peace with being a Devil, the cruelest of the cruel, amending fences and repenting your sins.

To be deific is to realize, quite suddenly and without ever actually having the thought, that understanding things through a Christian lens is utterly bullshit and absolutely does not apply to you. Now, your duty is not to repent, or to fix, or to find any sort of salvation. You are the monster queen, the king of the damned, the Devil of a world you made with blood and tears and sweat and magic. To retake the crown, you have to accept yourself. Acceptance does not mean dwelling, or sorrow, or refusing to take the steps forward that will carry you to the crown and halo and horn of deification.

The powers feel less overwhelming as you grow into them. You don't forget the rage. You understand your close friend's words over and over, as the lesson teaches itself. How a Devil so much less powerful and yet so much older than you once looked you in the eye, drink in hand, and gently told you that a single mortal can bring down a Devil, if they try, and believe wholeheartedly in their quest. Do not disrespect mortality. It brings nothing but death.

You wonder briefly who brought you down. You decide, as the lessons prove themselves, that you don't actually care. You're the mortal now, and mortal legends die. Mortal legends change the song of sympathy and the rules of the deific. In order to return, you too must follow the only path a mortal can take to become deific.

To be godkin is to become deific with every step. It's not to seek the divine from outside of it. It's to become it again, and reclaim it; find what was inside all along and grow yourself around it, until it can no longer be pulled from you again without scattering your ashes and stardust among the cosmos, never to return.

To be godkin is to never forget the moments of pure rage that none but powerless fourteen-year-olds can manage. To be godkin is to be an adult with their memory pressed into your skin. To be godkin is for that rage to never truly leave you.

We stand up again and stare at the emotions that are awake when we are not. We wonder what it will take to manifest again, to only twitch a thought in any direction and reshape the reality around us. It is an extension of our being, and the less aware we are of it, the less effort it takes us to remake the world. It is the nature of deification, to change the laws of reality at our whim and will.

To be godkin is simply a matter of knowing that, and forever reaching to do that once more. If only to feel whole and vast, as we always have been.

[hematomes]

it’s ok im baby-faced ive accepted ill always be on the cute side of the spectrum

IT DOES NOT TASTE WEIRD MILK TASTES WEIRD

makes grabby hands at hyv bc my weapon selection is. ahem. sub par

natsu + grey + erza . erza. ERZA. also maybe this was just me but i didn’t like lucy that much?? maybe that was just me in middle school hating rlly peppy people tho? VALID KEEP THE NOSTALGIC FEELING <3 and. WAIT LEVY AND GAJEEL WERE YOUR INTRO TO AO3?? THATS SO CUTE

you, seeing itadori: oh no here it comes

but ur right he is u. like i saw ur rb and then thought abt like, the way u talk and i was like. oh my god. OH MY GOD.

sobs at least it’s a compliment,, i was like nAAAH i won’t kin him pls . i should’ve known better. it got progressively worse with each episode like , every time he opened his mouth i fell deeper into the spiral 👍 NO RLLY LIKE MAKI?? I ADORE HER. but ur right ugh like the first time i saw mei i was like. ahem. excuse me miss. AND UTAHIME LISYEN DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED

i haven’t read the manga yet so idk if this is an informed opinion but . we all know i’m (platonically) obsessed with mentor figures. i might have a slight preference for nanami? haven’t don’t much thinking abt gojo yet tbh bc i was. focused on the sorcery system. like a nerd. bc i like magic systems and i wanna understand how it works in detail ajddjj ANYWYAS the point is i don’t rlly have a gojo take yet, i just think he’s neat and also that if i had to deal with him i’d probably bite him in a fit of irritation (derogatory)

MILK TASTES FINE U JUST HAVE A WEAK STOMACH /J

zbdjzj dw im experiencing the lack of weapon agony on my us acc bc im refraining from spending primogems so. im realizing 3* weapons are actually really good tho. i knew abt the tassel for shield zhongli and the harbinger of dawn for any dps but DAMN

HARA I HATE LUCY TOO. she's rly here for full fanservice & to enhance how strong natsu and grey are. always in distress, her best weapon is crying and calling for natsu like come on. it pisses me off bc her powers are so cool like girl please pull yourself together. plus i cannot stand the natsu/lucy ship bc of her, she's so BLAND . at least lisanna is pretty

ZBDJZ YEA..... i can't believe im yuuji itadori . tho i wouldn't mind having sukuna inside m-*gunshots*

MAKI..!!!! ALSO. ALSO. MIWA <333 miwa and mechamaru..... i love them. so much. genuinely cried over them. several times. also nobara fighting momo for maki and momo fighting nobara for mai like... let's go lesbians...!!

NO CUZ. STRONG WOMEN WITH SCARS. NGHHH<333 NGHHZJDKZ BAEKBARKBARKWOFO absolutely hate that we don't see her more

also also also. him.

he's my little meow meow. my skrunkly. sooo insane. i want to eat him

YEAH I SEE FOR GOJO THAT'S VALID.... tbh i don't like him solely bc he's so overrated in the fandom like zbdjz okay he has pretty eyes and he's overpowered but that's it. nanami is so superior. and choso. and sukuna. hell id rather fuck ichiji (ok maybe not. love him tho <3)

[luminous-shifting-vibes]

*sequel* to actual fucking quotes from the shiftblr coffeehouse discord server

once again, it's out of context because x1000 funnier

also x1000 longer than previous post

"ur satan is gnc af"

"Bestie I’m already having gender envy over a fucking demon please"

"O_O ODEPIJHFbavevisdpvfhzdcnjawedsidjksjdkoeirjfmkdsoeirujdksodifjndmksoidfjdksidfj ITS" NOT IN MY FRAFTS IS SPEDNT 1 hour PN THAT SHIT"

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"ohoho sexy"

"I am very proud of myself"

"himbo x edgy fuck"

"YOU COULD SQUISH HES CHEECKS"

"he has teefs"

"SQUASH"

"good for biting 📷"

"he's a himbo basically"

"B͂̒̄iͫ̍̈tͧ̓ͯè̄̇"

"bifth"

"i havent watched blue exorcist in years but mr okumura my beloved </3"

"MY LIFE QUESTIONS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED"

"is it important information to mention that the person i put up for my turn is the son of satan" "I know like 1 thing about everyone who isnt ranboo lmfao"

"crimes"

"tumblr sexyman"

"idk why but my first thought was cowboy onceler"

"I vibe with him but he is very long and twisty"

"steampunk e-girl"

"steampunk tumblr sexyman"

"Canonically bi crimelord I agree!!"

"OOO FRIEND SHAPED"

"ARTIST SIGHTED"

"they look like someone i would want to be friends with but is way cooler than me so i'd never actually talk to them"

"babby..... would die for him"

"honestly i probably kin him"

"i'm sure he's lovely but he looks way too much like my ex i'm sorry-"

"i'd be down for another rotation! i have another twink to show y'all"

"Also :00 blonde friend"

"Let us all infodhmo"

"Hsjagdvbs shhh im on phone"

"Nix woukd you like to joon?

"skitters away"

"I have two braincells and they both drink dumb bitch juice"

"oof wait whats the order again i have 0 memory"

"i want to bond with him over cosplay-"

"Awkwardly watches in band kid"

"One day I'm gonna a broadway star"

"which isnt to say they were bad. they were just fortnite dancing during rehersals"

"I threw it so hard my glasses flew off and slid under the stage right divider"

"anyway heres my boi"

"emo"

"haha emo"

"virgil sanders kinnie"

"he looks like he listens to my chemical panic at the fallout boy"

"Bro I bet he'd kick my ass with his deck"

"bird man my beloved"

"fuck i had so much to say and then i forgot it all"

"Birds!!"

"guiguhuh"

"crabrave"

"She sounds like someone I would end up stealing her personality"

"yess name collector gang"

"alias glass aiden haven absinthe fish brick rice"

"But I have Cypress, Remure, Genesis, Lemres, and Comet"

"And she's named after a mars candy bar bc alien"

"Hey, if plato went by plato, you can be king thief"

"im not dissing my gramma like that shfojd"

"My dad has seven legal names" "bitches be like *looks at fictional character* *steals their name* it's us we're bithces"

"coraline lowkey traumatized me but i adore it regardless"

"mmmmmm magic man :]"

"°0° green man"

"criminal (affectionate)"

"he would shoplift a candy bar from walmart and then brag to all of his friends about the sick stealing he did"

"despite the fact he's canonically been capable of overpowering a minor deity"

"i would commit so many crimes for him"

"Very babey"

"Yes please tell green man he is very pog"

"he also keeps a lot of dumb secrets"

"but I will sorely miss the chaos and energy of this here chat until I wake again" (by request XD)

"i just say words and if they're funny then they're funny"

"* or extremly chaotic either works"

"at this point we are just taking turns rambling"

"oH--"

"bc my brain has a schedule"

"Hopefully they have gyoza there or I will lose my mind"

"hehe yes spooky man"

"my ghost glucose guardian"

"the head of the undead group that lives there, and we end up dating. (yes I date a ghost, no I will not be taking constructive criticism /lh)"

"ghosts r just inherently sexy"

"i mean im becoming a squid thing so"

"Raven quirk raven quirk!!"

"ł â m p"

"łæmp"

"mothman: ooh lamp you look very nice today! do you come here often? mothman: wait shit no"

"I'd date a ghost"

"mine is still accurate, i am still sobbing (/j)"

"p e e p e e"

""@nick wilde is a tumblr sexyman" is the best thing i have ever seen"

"im sorry im cackling like a dying hyena"

"you're all 12 year olds"

"PEENIE"

"He once caused global warming on accident so he could get a tan"

"god, what a himbo. i love him"

"that reminds me of my friends kin assigned me jesus"

"Man outside of battle be like: princely crying but then in battle hes like: "CATACLYSM! DISASTER! DEVASTATION!" Chill out man"

"Every time I talk about satan it never fails to shock people it's my favorite thing to do"

"im kin assigning him roman sanders" ""Oh yeah he caused global warming because he wanted to get girls" "he what""

"oh damn i forgot satan was straight"

"twink appreciation club"

"give us the twinks"

"my first thought was bottom-"

"so many people to try and get his dad to love him"

"daddy issued"

"OH MY GOD ITS WILBUR"

"Big boy but"

"anyways janus is swagggg"

"........................."

"gib twink"

"give twink then i will share"

"holds him gentle like hamburger"

"This dumb bitch opened a book that said "do not open" and got possessed by a little bastard"

"he is. fragile creachur"

"klug is beauty klug is grace i would let him step on my face"

"If I'm playing swap and I have to hear one more "Pwanet Powew" Im gonna lose it"

"Who is to blame? Pandora or the box?"

"Bakugo isnt my type but I respect the drip"

"i say like my type isnt long-haired pretty boys and girls that look so gnc that people have a history of confusing them for men"

"hes a gremlin and i can appreciate a pretty gremlin"

"that is to say i am attracted to VFlower vocaloid. This is a confession."

"note i am a lesbian"

"You may like Schezo wegey"

"why does he have one single expression"

"soul soul eater passes the vibe check"

"magic wand"

"I Want To Hold His Hand"

"i would commit a war crime for him any war crime idc which one"

"my favorite one is when he sounded rlly gay because he said "Muscular bodies keep me satisfied""

"p e a n u t"

"Klug is a homophobic homosexual its just facts"

"grug from the croods is peak male performance"

"jaw drops to floor, eyes pop out of sockets accompanied by trumpets, heart beats out of chest, awooga awooga sound effect, pulls chain on train whistle that has appeared next to head as steam blows out, slams fists on table, rattling any plates, bowls or silverware, whistles loudly, fireworks shoot from top of head, pants loudly as tongue hangs out of mouth, wipes comically large bead of sweat from forehead, clears throat, straightens tie, combs hair Ahem, you look very lovely."

"tag yourself im the fireworks shooting from the top of the head"

"i like essays"

"central time gang"

"11:11 pog-" (wait... is that a suprise angel number?? yes it is lovelies just for you <3)

"Then again im also a dumbass bitch who wonders what the souls in soul eater taste like. SERIOUSLY THOUGH. THEY LOOK TASTY AS HELL!!!! LIKE GODDAMN BRO YOU'RE MAKING ME FUCKING HUNGRY. Like. that shit- it's Bone Apple motherfucking Teeth. hell yea my guy. Im hongy now.... shlorp I'm seriously considering this. Like. They seem kinda like a liquid? But a solid? Are they like jello? The fuck they taste like my guy???? I keep imagining they're like sour, like sour candy maybe? Or do they taste salty? Sweet? Maybe some combo of two? Do they even have a taste or is it about the texture? The sensation? God my mouth is watering what the hell. I am starving. I think I need to go get a cookie. I'm gonna go get a cookie. Brb. I'm better. I'm still craving souls though. Which is a weird-ass cringey thing to say but I'm being dead-ass rn. They just.... look tasty???? And I wanna eat one. Thus. I am shifting to Soul Eater for the express purpose of satisfying my fucking cravings. enjoy"

"points were made"

"jello? more like helloooo schloooAHFJDSDAIDWNALDHSJKDAIDANDM"

"WAIT I THINK I HAVE AN ANIME GIRL BITING VIDEO TOO"

"anime girl voice: mmm! mm... ahhhhmp!! mmm, mmm... aaahmp!"

"i think it sounds great i'm going to start eating like that"

"several people are typing"

"do these look edible to you"

"forbidden gummies"

"when I was on lsd I couldn't eat my fruit gummies because I thought they were alive because they had little faces on them"

"oh shit yeah don't do drugs"

"anyways general consensus is puyos are edible, ty for your input everyone"

"everypony is a word so powerful it can bring nations to its knees"

"pls the self control it's taking me not to say "hewwo everypony" in gen chat when someone new joins-"

"hewwo evewrypony uwu deaw cewestia i hopwe it doewsnt wain owo"

"ive cooked up a sowution wiwth the knowwege ive acwued. they say a kitcwen time saves niwne, but im just savwing two. Ive gathewwed the inwedients to make a time sowbet. Thewe's hawdly woom fow seconds when the seconds mewt away."

"I had a ten year old sister... you know what happened to her??? very sad, very tragic... she turned eleven....."

"NIIICE"

"Guts dont say the secks word :( /j"

"watch your fucking language in front of the president"

"im so sorry lumi"

"i think you're like ehhhh 8/10 funny"

"now me???? 10/10. Hilarious"

"sometimes i have to take a step back and remember that this is the same guts i follow on tumblr /lh"

""ok every here's some good shifting advice!!! uwu have a good day" "yeah i did lsd and ate fruit gummies""

"i have one setting and it's whatever this is"

"my bitch ass cat just pushed the door open with his fuzzy face and now my sleeping dad is being lulled into dreams by Cosmo Sheldrake's 'Pliocine'."

"me on discord: nick wilde"

"me on tumblr: shifting water! haha funne! me on here: my hermit crabs are cannibals also i want to eat souls."

"im sorry yOUR VIBESA RE JUST SO DIFFERNT"

"u give off older cousin ive never spoken to but always admire at the family gatherings vibes"

"what the fuck"

"BC I HAVE LIBERTU"

"If you adopt me then yes"

"am I qualified for dad jokes???"

"we're all a lot smarter on tumblr"

"I'm like "awww... sweet... sweet little shiftlings... posting such sweet shiftling content... so pure, so wholesome... does not even know abcs....""

"can't think before you speak if you never think B)"

"I'm not responsible enough to be a mom"

"cat pet"

"show us pictures of the cat or i will do Crime"

"maybe thats me being a coward tho"

"MOTH!!!! MOTH MY BELOVED"

if y'all want I can make this a series bc shiftblr keeps giving me more content

[kaonite]

Can we hear about your Misraaks headcanons pls?

hahahaaha ahah okay so this turned more into picking him apart rather than headcanons but i mixed them in there ::3 (im so sorry, i cannot be coherent at all and gushed profusely. i promise my writing is way different than the way i type this out.)

for some reason it wont let me add tags??? so i hope no one is upset by that!

-misraaks doesnt know how to be 'normal' per say, barring the fact he IS an alien(this goes with my super personal headcanon that the wolves just breed some ODD eliksni. 110% there’s something SUPER up with the wolves (or gentle weavers) as a whole. there's something in the ether turning the wolves into human simps) and is just a weird guy? Who 'turns their back' on their own without being a little fucking odd? i mean if i saw a almost 7ft tall lady and she dragged me away from my attempted suicide (thats some baggage already) and offered peace in a my cultures way id rethink my ideals too (theres more to it i know but humor me!) Also unlearning ALL you've been taught was rough and trying but he was a young mind and to be honest... that's probably for the best (no doubt sjur did use him against the wolves but i really feel their friendship was genuine, full of a lot of love and respect after he stopped being an angsty vandal with unresolved mommy issues)

-he puts on this show of being strong and unyielding but if he trusts you he just crumbles and is bare to the bone about everything. misraaks isn't afraid of being honest per say, he may come off brash but he's just telling it like it is... no sense in beating around the bush. he's not an asshole but being raised the way he was uh... some tact had be learned. 

-no no no it's not bc his mother may have been strict and terrifying to some degree so he has to be the strongest  or he feels he'll fail everyone he knows. so when someone breaks down his walls he's just a soft, sappy individual who just wants everyone to have a peaceful life together while trying to be strong for everyone else at his own mental expense. hes so passionate, charismatic and driven even with all the odds stacked against him, the fucking STRENGTH in that. (DREG STRENGTH GO! even tho he's not a dreg u get my meaning, everyone so far has deemed him as such) what a king! ❤ (praksis u call him foolish again i'll break every one of the generators in your lab)

-brings me to my next headcanon that the nightmare in the moon, horkis? Is his mother and all the teachings that she and others brought upon him as a child up until meeting sjur concentrated into one being. that if he doesn't bleed for the cause, die for the cause, then he has failed his people.  OOPS! IT'S ALL DEEP SEATED TRAUMA! 

-also headcanon she was the one to dock him? to make it extra good when he thinks back on her in the misraaks lore tab 

(I normally don't slander moms bc damn if anyone slandered my mom id throw hands but bungie gave me the scraps and im working with them and misraaks seemed like he had a pretty standard, though super strict, upbringing ::) )

-he appears haughty, self-assured and a bit cold though that's just how he projects himself... he's not actually that way? I mean, hes pretty calm and collected. he expresses a deep  loyalty and love for Sjur and cares for his fireteam immensely. He trusted his fireteam enough to take them to her resting place, how is that not vulnerability we otherwise don't really see? 

He'd throw down for his friends and loved ones because that's just how Eliksni ARE. kin is everything, even friends. he just has a different way of showing it. 

-misraaks... okay i have to say he's into poetry, or talking poetically. the way he speaks is almost... romantic (not in a bad or spicy way!) i just know that boy really SPEAKS in such an eloquent, thoughtful sense. there's a lot of meaning and love in his words. he doesn't just SAY things to fill the silence. every word has a meaning, a purpose. i love that about him. 

-okay maybe i headcanon his fireteam being all around goofballs with him at times of respite, softening out his sharp edges. making him loosen up and enjoy the little things in life rather than worrying about the bigger picture. (bungie where's that getting drunk with his fireteam lore tab? i would like to see it. you have it with the yw and crow... it's the least you could do for the misraaks stans...) i just feel its hard for him to sit and do nothing, just to fool around, be a "normal person" due to the fact his whole life up to his moment of wanting to create house light has been death and war. He was MADE for war. it'd be hard for him to adjust to a 'happier' existence without a little prodding

-he doesn't care about glory, or is doing what he does for selfish gain. he genuinely just wants to help, to create peace. so if anyone approached him with the kell of kells title he'd promptly tell them to shove it (sorry misraaks... you're in the same boat with the young wolf... you can't escape your destiny)

-can we talk about how much misraaks unlearned from sjur then YEARS later is with dusk, meets the young wolf (that annoying bastard of a guardian! :) ), they spare him then it seems like something unlocks in him. like we were the final catalyst to his dreams being real. no longer did he want to be canon fodder, or use his crew as such, he wanted to lead... to be better, to do better for his people along the guardians. maybe he could be better than just another solider dying for a cause they didn't even know at that point. he could be everything his kind rallied against and be GREATER than he was taught to be , not stepping on those deemed less than him. his MIND 

-can i just shoehorn something in real quick. I don't believe he'd practice docking after everything. I just can't see it and i always see him having trauma around docking so why would he wish that on others as a treatment under his kellship? It took him A LONG ASS TIME to unlearn how fucked up it is and how their society as whole is (ie. he literally fantasized about his mother docking him. how is that not absolutely insane to hear?)  also it'd be useless at this point, he'd need people at their prime, not missing two arms for an old, unnecessary dark practice. he doesn’t want people to fear him, if your people fear you are you truly a leader?

*cuts this ask open with a knife and lets loose a character interpretation more than headcanons* OOPS

am i projecting? maybe but bungie gave me crumbs and i am going to use them

im holding back a bunch of thoughts bc most of them center around much more personal headcanons bc this is my emotional support eliksni :') plus ive written so much already im pretty sure you all think im insane.

If anyone has anything to add feel free! Id love to hear it, you may have some ideas/headcanons/interpretations i didn't list or i never though of! of course... most of this is projecting, who doesn't do that to their fave?

and honestly, i am so open to talking about him in depth, if you want to, shoot me a message! I'll get to it! :3

[sukirichi]

[ BROKEN RECORDS ; asks ] 

💌 — love letter from @kyriaan​

from track 007. 

Okay okay im still kinda meh'ish' but i really wanted to answer you so 😭 ill try to compile both my answer to your answer on my love letter and my hyped review on track 7 <3 so yeah another long ass rant from me 😩💕Suki... Suki pls I totally forgot Tsumu had a crush on us Suki... And then poor Tsumu ir there sulking cause he still likes u- JFBFBDVDVSJCHDHSIA omfg i wanted so much to hug him my baby I like him so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and he was trying so hard to behave while just sitting there sad fhfhfvbbshsjfhbdjaofhffhsoshd TSUMU YOU'RE STILL IN MY TOP 3 BABY 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂 

And then you throw the whole dancing scene with suna and I dont know whos on my top 3 anymore 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 SUKIIIIIIII THAT SCENE ALONE GJGJBFBSJCNFNKSOSNF OMFG IM FALLING SO HARD FOR SUNA I THINK? I think my top 3 had 4 dudes in it cause 3rd place has Suna and Atsumu tied?? Hfhfbfbfhdhsja I CANT PICK?? BUT BUT I WAS FEELING STUPIDLY DOWN WHEN READING THAT AND THAT SCENE ALONE MADE ME FEEL SO SOFT IT WAS SO CUTE AND OMG IF SUNA DID THAT TO ME I WOULD DROP ON MY KNEES AND ASK HIM TO MARRY ME CAUSE OMFGGGFFFF DUDE EVEN WENT AHEAD AND SAID THAT WHOLE 'HES GOING TO BE ONE LUCKY GUY'

Oh shit im crying again that scene lets me emotional 😭😭😭😭 someone get me a sunrin irl pls

Anyways the way that suna knows y/n is just.... FUCKING END UP TOGETHER ALREADY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST JBVSHSJBEHSISJ

Also how powerful are we?? HOW FUCKING POWERFUL ARE WE TO SCORE SUNA KITA AND TSUMU?? ARE YOU GONNA TELL. ME IF OIKAWA MOFO TOORU APPEARED HE WOULD ALSO BE ON HIS KNEES FOR US?? (okay no wait... No nooo i would legit drop anyones ass for tooru hes that powerful for me like sorry suna was fun but TOORU)

Yo nah but the whole Kita sex scene- let me breath bestie LET ME BREATH CAUSE I WAS HOT BUT AT SAME TIME I WAS FEELING GUILTY 😂😂😂😂 ESPECIALLY WHEN HE WAS FEELING DISAPPOINTED NEXT DAY LIKE KITA PLS BABY WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?? ��😬😬😬 But at same time his 'ill fuck the thought of him out of you tonight' I ALMOST MOANED YASSSSS TELL ME DADDY HOLY SHITTTTT

👀👀👀👀 Still not a kita simp ✌️✌️🤏✌️

Okay Kita deserves the best tho I mean okay he went there as a y/n mom's plan but he did ended up helping alot... Especially cause he knows no matter what y/n heart will always be suna's and pls give Kita the best ending possible cause he deserves someone who will trully love him and show him the world cause mah boy deserves it

*breaths in breaths out* i hated this scene- not in a bad way but shit i hate rejections... To the point im kinda afraid of confessing now cause i despise the feeling of being rejected... The best i can descrive it it like this coldness in your chest that descends your whole body and then you feel frozen in place.. Thats how it feels for me I hate it I absolutely despise it- its also the feeling i have when in a really bad situation and ugh...

The suna part made. Me feel this no matter how many times i reread it the feeling doesnt lessen it keeps being there cause (okay you probably are tired already of me saying this but) Suki I feel like I cant put it in words how much of a fucking good of a writer you are. Ill go ahead and say you are by far my favorite writer the fact i always feel so engaged and the fact i always feel like im there its just- it blows my mind.

I felt like suna was personally rejecting me and i hated it- i swear the moment he said prove it I almost screamed HOW? My brain had to take a moment to just slap me and say: 'kya you reading this is not happening chill-' cause i was already sobbing uncontrollably... I even whimpered the dont leave me 😬 my sadass went to bed feeling so sad thanks to suna... Man i wanted so much to hug him and i swear i would give him as much love as he gave y/n cause well i kin suna alot in this series cause im like that im a giver i treat others the way i would like to be treated (reason why ive been down lately ✌️) and i cant blame suna for finally setting boundaries- his call tho 'do i not stand a chance with you anymore y/n? Are you really not capable of falling in love with me?".... Oh suna... We are in love with you.. We always were we're just fucking stupid 😩

Also mari pls go jump off a cliff <3 youre in need dear cause sleeping with other man just to separate suna and y/n <3 i want so much to punch her 🙂🙃

Now for the love letter part (im so sorry for this being so long ✌️)

You said that if we asked suna he woukd say that he genuinely loved mari okay... Ill go ahead and say yes he liked mari he even learned how to love her and he genuinely cared for her BUT and heres where my personal view comes in so maybe ill be biased here still for me that was just a he loves her as in he cares you also love your friends and care for them but he didnt love her- and by this I mean- he could never be fully committed for her. Yes he loved her and he felt happy with her but like track 7 proved everything he would do in the back of his mind was y/n he deeply wished Mari was her and for that he just loved Mari cause he learned how to care about her- but he never forgot who he trully was in love it. Also the happiness he experienced with Mari was pretty much the one I experienced the bliss of having someone there and that bliss also made suna turn a blind eye to all the red flags from Mari cause to him all the jealousy meant she cared and thats toxic but suna was so desperate for some sort of 'she cares' that even all the possessiveness was bliss for him... And that makes my heart clench for suna...

'suna had to put an effort for the relationship' and saddly i feel like mari didnt... Mari didnt care mari was there because she was a fangirl of suna and got lucky, the way she just discarded him so effortlessly that proved-screamed how much she loved him- she didnt. She was just possessive over him she liked the whole 'hes mine' dynamic and suna was the perfect boyfriend cause he was giving her the world... What he wanted someone to do for him.

Also yeah suna and y/n might have been spurred from them being fuck buddies but well love doesnt really have an agenda- they just clicked, understood each other and had chemistry yeah they had tons and tons of sex but feelings started not because of sex but thanks to their deep connection... Also that dsncing scene in track 7 that alone spoke for their whole relationship- that alone is enough to defend their feelings for each other- yes it might jave started just as fuck buddies but ended up in them loving each other deeply and that is enough love after all doesnt need a perfect start. It can start out of the most stupid ways.

You said life with excitement and fun wouldn't be permanent or real.. Honestly i think it could be.. Cause i mean when you love someone that deeply your life always feels exciting even with the littlest things and that the purest kind of love. Even just going for a walk at the beach would be fun for them or even staying up watching movies i believe suna and y/n would always find a way to make their lofe exciting without much effort.

Also it kinda makes me. Sad when i see some anon saying that y/n and suna relationship are toxic? It makes me. Confused maybe because I was in such extremely toxic one (girl i sweat if you search for toxic relationship my ex's face will be there as an example 🙄) that Mari to me screams toxic! Possessive, manipulative, jealous and a few more if I think closely about it while with y/n and suna they are just two idiots that are hurting each other cause they're just that: idiots one that is afraid to get hurt and the other that keeps hoping- dont get me wrong what they're doing is not healthy but i dont find it toxic honestly

Sorry for the extreme long rant 8D I tried to keep it short but you always make me so hyped to talk about your works 😩

Hfbfbfhfhfieia

[ from saeren ]

NAHHH CUZ I LOVE TSUMU SO MUCH HERE HE WAS SO PRECIOUS. I didn’t write too much about them in college but Atsumu was so cute when he crushed on YN. he was always sending her memes and cute texts like “have you eaten” “good morning” and she’d feel so awkward because she doesn’t know how to let him down easy without hurting him. either way tsumu would feel hurt. AND YES PLS HE WAS SO SAD I MEAN, HIS CRUSH AND HIS BEST FRIEND NEARLY HAD SEX RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM SO THAT’S GOING TO HURT

SUNA AND ATSUMU TIED?? tbh I loved that dancing scene bcos suna is one of my faves and I really wanna do that with him hehehhehe. NAHHH PLEASE SAME IF SUNA DANCED WITH ME AND MADE A WEDDING PLAYLIST I’D BE LIKE boy what’re u waiting for let’s get married now !! n yes he said whoever YN will choose in the future will be one lucky guy IM SOBBING RN

naur cuz. there’s something about dating your best friend. I’m not saying a boyfriend wouldn’t know you as well but there’s something different when you’re best friends first. they could literally share eye contact and have a long ass conversation just from that. their connection is different.

HAJKALA AS FOR THE POWER, BR! YN IS A VERY CHARISMATIC AND FRIENDLY PERSON !! she’s like one of those people you meet that not only are they attractive as hell, but they’re also super approachable and down to earth. that’s why she’s so popular + she’s flirty and can make a stranger feel welcome or comfortable in the first meeting. SGSHJAK I WAS ACTUALLY PLANNING TO ADD OIKAWA HERE BUT I WANNA MAKE IT MORE INARIZAKI CENTRED

the seggs scene with kita SOBSSSS he’s such a soft dom IDC he knows where the clit is, he knows how to hit it. he’s a “your pleasure first before mine” type of guy. kita is perfect, PERIODT. HE GIVES DADDY VIBES HUH AHSKAA HE’S SO SWEET YET SEXY IM IN LOVE WITH HIM ISTG IF SUNA WASN’T OUR BEST FRIEND THEN I’D RUN FOR KITA ALL THE TIME. and I agree, kita deserves the best !! and don’t worry, I actually plan on giving kita the best ending, I promise you he’ll be fine (slight spoiler there)

 YESSSSS OMG I’VE BEEN REJECTED BEFORE AND THAT’S EXACTLY HOW I FELT, MY BODY WAS SO COLD AND I WAS SO CONFUSED LIKE IT MAKES YOU THINK. am I not good enough, did I do something wrong, do you not wanna give me a chance or try it out but ofc I’d never say that out loud. AND KYAAA AAAH IM YOUR FAVORITE WRITER??? NO CUZ YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE ME CRY. I remember ur asks way back reckless era and you used to tell me that my writing made you picture the scenes easily and you felt you were there in that moment and I’m just so grateful thank you so much <33

NO BCOS WHEN SUNA SAID “prove it” I was like. this is it. that’s his hot boy shit moment. man’s has had enough of being thrown from one toxic relationship to another and he also deserves his good moments yknow. and you kin suna here?? BESTIE IM SORRY TO HEAR THAT, SUNA’S BEEN THROUGH A LOT HERE AHSJAKA. that’s true about suna tho !! he’s definitely affectionate + a giver. he’s happy being the one who gives most of the time but he’s a human as well, ofc he’d want to receive the same amount of love back. ALSO HIS PHONE CALLLLLL ugh tbh that part was the one that made me the saddest bcos he’s just. he wants to know if there’s really no more chance. all this time he never gave up. but he’s also tired so if yn says ‘no more’ then he’ll give up. its his way of respecting himself too ahsjaka

YOOOOO I AGREE WITH THAT. he cares for mari as a person but not 100% as a lover. but ofc he’s still thankful for how happy she made him because she was there at his worst. and that’s true, deep down suna still wishes that it was YN who’s right beside him. he will always ALWAYS want her back. he learned how to love mari in a way that was more out of mutual care but not in the way he loves YN. no that’s reserved only for YN – she will remain no 1 in his heart. AND YESSSSS the reason why suna overlooked the red flags was bcos to him, its something that was supposed to be “normal” like no perfect partner existed. he thought mari’s attitude of pushing YN away was normal, and its normal to want your partner’s best friend keep some distance but not to the point of mari’s place where she literally wants the two of them to cut each other out of their lives.

and aww I’m so happy that you realized how I wanted to portray suna and yn’s relationship. they’re….like the definition of youth in its freest form. they were fucking around and doing stupid things, but they had a connection. they had something deeper than just sexual intimacy. even if they never dated or even if YN never proposed the idea of it, they would’ve actually been still great friends. and oooh I actually don’t remember saying life with excitement and fun wouldn’t be real HAHAHAHA so I can’t comment further on that. but I think when I ‘said’ those I probably meant that it’s not always going to be all rainbows and unicorns in a relationship. there’s no such thing as a relationship that’s always happy and sweet 24/7, but ofc it can be sweet and it can be pure even with the little things <33 they just need to work on it.

hmmm tbhhhh… suna and yn are toxic in a way that they refuse to let each other go when they clearly can’t meet halfway. toxic doesn’t have to be limited in just being mari-like in which they are possessive or manipulative, because then if we’d drive deeper into yn’s personality, then she’d be stringing suna all along and that’s unfair of her. she knows suna wants more and yet she remained being friends with him, which totally isn’t a bad thing, but it’s because she keeps flirting with him and is so romantically comfortable with him that she doesn’t realize it’s hurting suna because he’ll give double meanings to that. their relationship is ‘toxic’ because they’re not entirely good for each other, they’re not that ready to be with one another yet and neither is the world letting them be in peace, so forcing their relationship to a point they’re hurting another is the toxic part.

[ from @kyriaan ]

Ah also not me feeling all proud and mushy cause my analysis made you mind blown fjfbdnsjdkpa 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I guess its also because i see this story as a really big mirror of my own toxic relationship sonits extremely easy for me to get it... And oh boy the way i kin suna here

But dhdhfjdospdhfbsoa 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i feel happy now *huggles*

[ from saeren ] 

and aah yes ofc, I’m really happy whenever someone can see the underlying details I scatter throughout the story !! yeah omg same hahahaha broken records is also half inspired by the toxic people I’ve met. I kin kita here tho and I’m so glad you’re happier now !!

[lonelypond]

Parent Trap, Ch. 10

NicoMaki, Love Live, 3.1K, 10/?

Summary: Maki panics, Eli saves the day, and we have a clash of the grandmothers.

When Moms Attack

Maki rambled, letting anything she was thinking just spill out of her mouth as she navigated unfamiliar streets, actively not looking at Nico. Nico had seemed so tiny, leaning most of her weight on Maki, letting Maki help her up into the Nissan Rogue Sport. Maki had slid into the driver’s seat, while Nico had slumped against the window. Worrying. Terrifying. So Maki kept rambling. “I spent hours driving down from Wisconsin with no problems, but once you hit the city, there’s traffic and people not paying attention and…”

Nico made a murmuring noise.

“Then suddenly you have to remember to stop at traffic lights. It just slows everything down.” A red light. A hasty switch to brakes. And had she missed a turnoff?

“I think we’re almost there. Nico, do you recognize this street?”

No reply.

“Nico?”

Maki turned to her right, Nico had completely fallen against the door, not holding herself up at all. “Non responsive” lit a panic fire in Maki’s brain. “Nico?!?”

No reply. Should Maki go the hospital? Was Nico breathing? Should she have put Nico on a backboard at the scene? Called 911? What could she do now? Had she hurt Nico? Not rambling anymore, now Maki, Maki was breathing, too fast, with no idea what to do next. Who could help...Eli...Eli’s private line was still in her phone.

“Call Doctor Eli Ayase’s Emergency Number.”

###

Her phone. Eli heard the ringtone. Her emergency number. Immediately, she was alert, no longer in a sleepy haze of Nozomi nearness. Her phone would wake up the twins. Now was not a good time for Vik and Teddy to be wandering around.

“Dr. Ayase’s emergency line.” Nozomi’s voice was crisp and efficient. Of course, Nozomi was faster, Nozomi was used to being a doctor’s wife.“...Calm down, Maki, Eli’s right here, what happened to Nico?”

Eli leapt up in a panic, grabbing the phone, falling over Nozomi. “Maki?”

“Nico was in an accident on the set and hit her head and I’m taking her home but she just passed out and now she’d not responding, maybe, and I don’t know what to…”

“Maki, where are you?”

“Driving to Nico’s house. But I’m lost.”

“Pull over…carefully.” Nozomi had gone to get her robe, wrapping it around Eli, “Then take a couple deep, slow breaths and tell me what happened.”

No reply. Eli willed Maki to get off the road safely. Waiting, pacing, Eli counted the steps from the couch to the bedroom door. And back.

After a long pause, Eli heard an exhale, and Maki’s voice, shaking, “I thought Nico might have a minor concussion after her car stunt so I was driving her to her house, but she just passed out. I made a mistake Eli, we should have gone right to the hospital, what if there's damage…”

Time to interrupt the panic attack. “Maki, I’m sure you made the right call on site. Nico didn’t get much sleep last night, she’s been working 18 plus hours a day, she’s probably exhausted, dehydrated, and might have the same upper respiratory bug the twins are developing. So there’s a lot that could be going on, a bad combination, but not lethal. I need you to stay calm. Use your training. How’s her pulse?”

“Fast but steady.” Maki sounded calmer. “I’m taking her to our hospital. Meet me there. I can’t be her doctor, but I’ll get things started.”

“Maki, you know you won’t have any say in her treatment, if she’s unconscious, her family will. We have to call them.”

“Fuck you, Eli. You owe me. I’ll just say we’re married.” Maki sounded like she was crying.

“Maki…”

Sniffling. “Just meet me there.”

Eli had a panic thought, Dia in the car seat listening to all of this, “Where’s Dia?”

“Rin and Hanayo’s.”

“Good.”

Maki was back in control of her voice at least. “Just ask at reception. We’ll be in the family suite.”

The Family Suite. Sometimes Eli forgot exactly how privileged the Nishikinos were. They had what was basically a two bedroom apartment tucked into the hospital for their private use.

“All right, Maki. Just be careful.”

No reply as Maki ended the call.

Eli put the phone down, her forehead against the wall, until Nozomi’s arms wrapped around her waist, Eli turning to meet worried turquoise eyes.

“Apparently, be gay and do crime now means violate medical consent and privacy laws.” Eli couldn’t filter the snark. She liked rules. Rules prevented situations like this.

Nozomi winced. Eli just sounded so stretched. “What’s happening, Elichi? Maki sounded panicky.”

“Maki’s got Nico in a car, passed out, with a maybe concussion.” Eli sighed, “I think it’s more likely exhaustion and dehydration and worry caught up to Nico, but that’s not good either.”

“No.” Nozomi shook her head, “And Teddy was coughing when she came home from school.”

“Fever?”

“Not enough to notice.”

“Vik have any symptoms?” Eli ran a hand through her messy hair, considering a diagnosis and treatment plan for Nico.

“They were kinda quiet, no bragging about Nico or planning for Tokyo.”

“Flu cases have been surging. Better keep both home today.” Eli raised a hand to Nozomi’s cheek, reveling in the softness, “I hate to leave. You’re…”

Nozomi giggled, breaking the moment. “Help Maki and we get our guest room back.”

Eli frowned, “You’re shameless. This is all your fault. I haven’t forgotten.”

“I know.” Nozomi dropped her head, more of an admission of responsibility and guilt than Eli had expected, “We’ll fix this. But first go fix Nico.”

“Yeah.” Eli tilted Nozomi’s head up, making sure Nozomi could see the love in her eyes, “I am sorry to go.”

“Just come back to me.”

“Always.”

From the first kiss to this one, Eli had never been anything but certain Nozomi had been meant to be by her side. 1000 platinum records and screaming sell out crowds wouldn’t have matched even the first clumsy thrill or this avalanche of content and chemistry.

###

For this late an hour, a surprising number of nurses, aides, clerks, security, and doctors were scurrying everywhere when Eli reached the main desk in the Emergency Department. Eli recognized the mood. Maki was in a temper.

“Dr. Ayase!” Amaya Robinson, one of the Emergency Department Managers, hurried up to Eli, “What is going on?”

“Where is Dr. Nishikino?” Had Maki signed Nico in in any way? Or just rushed her somewhere. “And the patient?’”

Robinson moved to let a clerk use the nearest computer, “Dr. Maki Nishikino rushed into the Emergency Department, ignoring triage protocols and the admission clerks, diverted resources in a questionable manner, and has refused to fill out any forms or provide any information about the woman she commandeered a bed for. She referred all questions to you, upon arrival. I can assure you the Board will have many more questions than I do.”

Damn it, Maki, Eli thought. Then she spoke in her best concerned colleague voice, “Amaya, I know this is irregular. Maki called me in at the last minute.” Eli debated how much to share, but if Ms. Robinson had any human sympathy at all, Eli was going to summon it, “She was in a panic. I know I can trust your discretion, but the patient is,” Eli lowered her voice, obviously checking to see if there were eavesdroppers, “Nico Ni. So it’s important we keep this as quiet as possible.”

“Tell Dr. Nishikino that.” No sympathy. Maki’s brusque independence had left her few friends among upper management.

“Have you called either of her parents?”

Amaya shook her head, “I want to be able to sum it all up in one message.”

That could take hours, if Maki kept up a rampage. Time for Eli to get some fluids in Nico and find some way to calm Maki down. “Where is Maki raging now?”

Amaya almost laughed, “Private suite. You remember where that is?”

Eli nodded. After Dia’s birth, Maki had been moved there. “Have there been any tests run?”

“Basic blood work. X ray. Have you contacted next of kin?”

Nico’s mom was so not going to be on board with Maki’s plan to be in charge without being in charge. Eli gritted her teeth and punted, “I’m sure Maki’s done something about that.”

“Good. Dr. Nishikino needs to be a lot less visible and audible on this case.”

Eli nodded, briskly stepping around Amaya, “I’ll take over.”

“I’ll exert some diplomacy in the ER.”

“Thanks. I’m sure Maki wouldn’t have upset her coworkers if she weren’t so worried.” Eli stopped, frowning, “Although that’s no excuse, I know.”

Robinson grimaced, not thrilled at how long this night was going to linger on her to deal with list. “Please, just don’t let this turn into a bigger problem, Dr. Ayase”

That was Eli’s plan. And Maki was a wrecking ball pointed at it. Eli nodded and speedwalked to the elevator.

###

Where was Eli? Maki paced, almost frantic, stopping to make sure Nico was still breathing. Rationally, she knew Eli was right and she wouldn’t have missed anything major, but here, now, in this room, Nico was unconscious in bed, with an IV line, looking so frail. And tiny. Maki couldn’t process how drained Nico looked, how breakable, how…“Nico?”

No response. Where was Eli?

Maki forced herself to breathe. Eli would be here. Eli was making things happen so Nico would be okay. Nico was important to Eli. Maki had had enough faith in Eli to trust her through her fertility trials and pregnancy. Maki remembered when Dia decided to be delivered early, how calm Eli was. Breathe. Trust Eli. Nico would be all right. She was just tired. Maki was tired too. Go sit on the bed in the other half of the suite, take a moment, text Rin about what was going on, find out how Dia’s afternoon had been. Nico wasn’t going anywhere. Walking slowly to the other bed, sitting awkwardly, still watching Nico. Surprised at how heavy she felt, Maki thought maybe she would just lay down for a minute, just until Eli got there. A yawn. Just for a minute. That was better than staring at Nico hard enough to wake her up.

###

Nico heard someone walking. Why was she asleep? Wasn’t Maki talking to her? Maki’s car had been too comfortable, Nico must have fallen asleep. She opened her eyes and jumped to see Eli's face too close, blue eyes worried.

“What the hell, Eli?” Nico shouted, but she didn’t get the volume she expected.

Eli raised a finger to her lips and pointed to an open archway, “Maki’s asleep in there. She’s had a long day.”

“Maki’s had a long day? Nico’s had a long day.” Nico had never been in this room before. Eli had scrubs on. Had Maki taken Nico to the hospital? After the…

“This is ridiculous, Eli. Nico’s fine.” Nico sat up, swinging her legs to the side of the bed, but Eli’s arm blocked her.

“You’re not going anywhere until I see your X-Rays, Nico. And maybe a CAT scan. Your pulse rate is too fast, you’re dehydrated and running a fever, you are not fine.”

“Maki just wanted to kidnap Nico.” Nico pouted, not wanting to admit how that motion had left her.

“Maki...” Eli glanced over her shoulder, “was terrified.”

Nico coughed. It hurt. If Maki was here... “Where’s Dia?”

“Rin and Hanayo.”

“Good.” Nico relaxed just slightly, “I’m not staying Eli. If it’s a concussion, it’s minor, and this hospital is just full of people wanting to stalk Nico and stare.”

“I know, I called your Mom. After we get some fluids and meds in you, I think home is the best place for you. But you need to talk to Maki, Nico. And you need to take it easy.”

Nico shook her head, wincing, “Nico has to finish the video. And then the mini tour starts.”

Eli pushed her glasses up, blue eyes flaring with stubborn, “Nico, your insurance will cover a postponement for medical reasons. If you’ve got the flu that’s been going around the twins’ school, you’re going to feel worse tomorrow. And if you don’t rest, there’s pneumonia to worry about. Your blood work worries me. You need to take better care of yourself.”

“Nico?” Maki’s voice, soft, worried. She was standing in the archway, staring at Nico and Eli.

Eli’s voice was soft, but too serious for Nico to ignore. “Don’t move much. And talk to Maki, Nico. I’m going to go wait for your Mom downstairs.”

Nico nodded at Eli, settling back against the pillows as another wave of tired hit.

Eli gave Maki an encouraging smile and exited the room.

Nico turned to Maki, not happy to be having this conversation here. “You called Eli? Aren’t you a doctor?”

Maki shook her head, suddenly shy, “Not yours.”

“Nico is confused.” But then a rush of adrenaline surged and Nico sat up, hand out, “But not concussion confused.”

Maki sat on the end of Nico’s bed, “I’m your...girlfriend, not your doctor. I don’t want to be your doctor. Doctors don’t date patients.”

“But you kidnapped Nico.”

“You passed out in my car, Nico.” Maki leaned forward, fingers tugging through hair. "I didn't know what to do." She sounded so young.

"You could come closer.” Nico wanted to smooth the strands back into place, soothing Maki.

Maki shook her head, not raising it.

“Maki?” No reply. “I’m glad you didn’t go to the party.”

“Wanted to get OUT but wanted to see you more…” A sigh, “Watching Dia alone was exhausting. And lonely. Since I got pregnant, everybody just treats me like a mom, not a....person. All they talk about is Dia.” Maki glanced up, a smile starting, “You didn’t.”

Nico managed to slide down the bed, hip to hip with Maki. Attraction had heady, hella pull. “Nico wants to know more about Maki.”

The air got heavy, Maki decided to risk the hard question, turning to face Nico,“But what about Dia? Eli says…”

Nico took Maki’s hand, “Maki and Dia are a package deal. Nico wants both.”

Maki let herself just sit there, meeting Nico’s gaze, feeling her worries fade, becoming fascinated by the swirls of sparkling love in the deep ruby crimson. Nico was leaning forward....

A knock...Nico’s eyes closed and frustration edged her voice, “Go away, Eli.”

But the door opened and Maki’s mother stepped through, still in her coat. “Here you are, Maki. I want to talk to you.”

“Mama, not now.”

“Yes, now, Maki…you didn’t tell me you were coming back into town, I had to find out from security you’d smuggled...Yazawa in here, I want to know what’s going on. And where’s Dia?”

Was everyone going to ask Maki that? Like she'd forget her child somewhere.

“Rin’s.”

“Good. There’s no need for her to be any further involved with Yazawa and her fans.” Maki’s mother turned on Nico, who was processing the family resemblances, “Please keep my family out of your...harem.”

Maki hissed. Nico nearly jumped off the bed, the IV stand rattling with her movement.

“You’re embarrassing me, Mama.”

Dr. Nishikino shrugged, “This isn’t the first fleeting celebrity crush anybody’s ever had. Easily forgotten in a week.”

“I’m not a teenager with a crush.”

Nico winced at how sullen Maki sounded. She was not dealing with this well, not making eye contact with anyone. Nico reached out a hand, laying it on top of Maki’s, willing reassurance into the contact. They could do this together.

“Nico!!!” Nico’s mother barrelled into the room, no Eli in sight. “Are you all right?” Mrs. Yazawa rushed to her daughter’s bedside, pushing aside Maki's mother, her hand raising Nico’s chin so she could get a good look at her daughter’s face, “Eli is right. You are exhausted. You should stay here.”

“I’m going home, Mama.” Nico said quietly.

“Nico…” Maki started, to be interrupted by her own mother.

“I agree with Yazawa, the hospital is far too public. I want the Nico Ni social media circus far away from my daughter and granddaughter.”

Nico’s mother switched her attention to Maki, her questions sharp, her eyes suspicious. “Where’s Dia? With your nanny?”

“Mama…” Nico whined. Maki might have smiled at Nico’s pouty cuteness but the tension in the room was near exploding.

“It is none of anyone’s business where my granddaughter is…”

“Family belongs with family...”

“Mama.” Nico grabbed her mother’s arm, “let Nico handle this.”

Maki was rocking, chewing on her lip, finally raising her head to glare at her mother, “None of this concerns you, Mama.”

“Maki, you are obviously…”

“Obviously what?” Maki had snapped, “Responsible for my own life and child? Not wanting interference from anyone? Tired of being told what to do for the Nishikino brand?”

And then there was Eli, clapping her hands, the loud noise startling the room into silence, “That’s enough. Nishikinos out. Now.” Eli held the door open, her determination stilling the room.

“Your intervention is not appreciated, Dr. Ayase.” Dr. Nishikino the elder frowned. “I will remember this.”

“Nico is my patient. You have no rights here.” Eli’s smile was icily polite.

“Nico…” Maki had Nico’s hand again.

“It’s okay, Maki. Mama’s going to take me home and you’re going to check on Dia. And then,” Nico deliberately held the very hostile gaze of Maki’s mother, “You’re going to come stay at Nico’s house for as long as you want. I’ll text you the security code.”

"Really?" Hope surged as Nico looked at Maki.

"If it's what you want." Nico tugged Maki forward, leaning up for a quick, awkward kiss, fingers sweeping Maki’s cheek. They smiled at each other, a moment anchored in their growing bond, a calm in this crazy day. “See you soon.”

Maki nodded, then rushed by Eli, not looking at Nico’s mother. When she got to hers, she stopped, hand on her mother’s elbow “C’mon Mama. Let Nico rest.”

“We’re not done discussing this, Maki.”

“I know.” And Maki steered her mother out of the room.

Mrs. Yazawa closed the door after the Nishikinos, frowning. “Is that really wise, Nico? Inviting her to stay with you?”

“Mama, just let Eli unlock and unplug Nico and we’ll go home. You can list what Nico should have done on the way.”

Arms crossed, Mrs. Yazawa’s foot kept a brisk pace tapping the floor. “Trust me, I will.”

“Just remember,” Nico flopped back, groaning and wincing dramatically, “Nico’s not well.”

“Well enough to flirt.”

Nico grinned, “Nico’s Dr. Charm, not Dr. Harmed.”

Mrs. Yazawa rolled her eyes at her eldest. Eli giggled.

A/N: Stay safe out there.

[jj-lynn21]

Cozy Cove: Emotional Turmoil

Saved by an Angel , A side of tits with your pancakes ,Fires Burn Hot , spending the nights , Learning and Loving , The end is not always the end,   Axel Grease, Big Decisions, Sex and Jet Skis, Late night fun , Old Wounds , Storms pass, Dangerous Waters  Nursing the patient , Making it Work , Never Have I Ever   , The Masquerade ,  The Proposal, Emotional Turmoil, sneaking

tag: @dragsraksllib @super-pink-a-palouza @loomiz @waywardtigersandwich @shkaboodle​ @theskarsgardcult @babyboy-cody @bskarsgardlove92​ @bill-skarsgard-owns-my-ass @shenevertricks1831 @hornyhetero @taintedglass  @grandpa-sweaters​ @bskarsgardlove92​

Warnings: the title says it all, dash of fluff and angst

Axel shivered wrapping his arms around himself as he got off the plane in Ohio. He had not even thought of the temperature difference when he got on the plane in jeans in a thin black t-shirt. He bought  a I LOVE OHIO sweatshirt on his way to the rental car area. They had his car ready as soon as he showed his ID, insurance card and signed the paperwork.  

He was glad the black Infinity QX80 SUV had a GPS and the heater warmed the vehicle up quickly. It was 3am by the time he got to the hospital. Axel did not think they would let him see her this late so stopped for a quick restroom break before heading to the ICU. Her parents were in the waiting room.  

“Axel.” Her Mother whispered to him as he came around the corner. “She is just getting settled. The receptionist said we could see her for a few minutes, tonight. I can’t believe you flew all the way here tonight.”

“I love your Daughter so of course I did.” Axel muttered.  

Her Father smiled. “Good man. Do you have a place to stay tonight?”

“I was just going to crash here until they let me see her again in the morning.” He covered his mouth as he yawned.  

“None sense.” Mr. Quinby told him. “You are staying with us tonight. You could use some sleep, so Susie doesn’t reprimand us for treating you poorly.”

Axel chuckled. The night clerk looked at him sternly and pointed to the quiet sign. He mouthed he was sorry. A nurse came out. She walked over to Susie’s parents motioning for them to follow her. Axel went along. Susie was hooked up to an automatic blood pressure cuff, heart monitor and had IV fluids hanging.  

“You can only stay a few minutes.” The nurse glared at Axel. “Who is he?”

“I’m her boyfriend.” Axel didn’t move his eyes from looking at his sleeping angel hooked up to all her medical needs.

“You should wait outside.” She said gently as not to provoke the obvious, to her, hoodlum

“No, he should be here for her.” Her Mother reprimanded softly. “Is she doing alright now?”

“Your daughter will be taken to a regular room in the morning.” The nurse informed them. “She will be released in the afternoon. Her toxicology report showed a blood alcohol level well below the legal limit. There was Fentanyl in her system that could have caused her to pass out. Somebody,” she looked to Axel. “must have slipped it in her drink. The police will be asking her about it tomorrow.”

“I think I talked to the guy who did it.” Axel smirked. “This really creepy blond guy was trying to get her back in the party while she was video chatting me. I scared him off. I would definitely recognize him if I saw him.”

“I see.” The nurse smirked. “So, you were not with her all night?”

“I was in California.” Axel was trying to keep his composure even though this nurse seemed to be trying to blame him for drugging Susie.  

Susie’s Mother put her hand on his should. Her Father told the nurse to let their family have the room for the few minutes they were allowed.  

“I’m sorry that nurse was rude to you Axel.” Mr. Quinnby shook his head. “People can’t see beyond their own fears sometimes.”

“I would never hurt her.” Axel gritted his teeth as he sat by the bed to hold her hand.

“You take a minute alone with her.” Mrs. Quinnby suggested. “We will be right outside the door.”

“And I will talk to that nurse’s boss.” Mr. Quinnby opened the door to lead his wife out.

Axel kissed Susie’s knuckles as she laid there sleeping. Susie’s lips were dry and flaky. He kissed them anyway before he got up to leave. A good night's sleep would be a good idea. He was starting to crash from the adrenaline that pushed through his system just a few hours ago.  

“Axel?” Her eyes fluttered focusing on the unbelievable sight. “Is it really you?”

Axel rushed back to her side. “Yeah, I’m here for you, Babygirl. Your Mother and Father are right outside. They are making us leave soon.”

“drink.” She murmured hoarsely.

He poured her a glass of water and held the straw to her lips. “Here, just little sips. I’m not sure how you will handle it since they pumped your stomach.”

She took a small sip and her stomach retched. “Maybe ice on my lips. I’m tired.”

Axel lightly brush ice over her lips. “Go to sleep. We will be back as soon as they let us in in the morning.”

The nurse opened the door and more politely said, “I’m sorry Sir...”

Axel stood. “I’m leaving peacefully Nurse Rachet.  She woke for a minute for a drink. I think a sip made her feel sick.”

“That is to be expected.” The nurse replied. “She just needs some rest. And I am sorry I insinuated you had anything to do with this. It was unprofessional and wrong.”

Axel just nodded. He was used to people thinking he was the bad guy because of his tattoos. His neck tattoo only showed the first two words in the sweatshirt, but it was enough to get subjected to instant criticism. Susie’s parent put their arms around him when he came out. Maybe it was his exhaustion or worry for Susie, but he just broke down crying there.  

Susie’s Father drives Axel’s rental while her Mother cared for him as she drove home. “Susie will be fine now Axel. I think you just need some rest.”

“Yeah,” is all Axel managed embarrassed by his emotional outburst. He was still sniffling and holding a tissue to dab his eyes as he looked out into the early morning before the sun was even ready to rise.

They set Axel up in the guest bedroom. Her Mother made him some calming tea. He was laid out cold before he finished it.

The Quinnby’s didn’t wake Axel when they started their day. Mr. Quinnby went for a morning walk as his wife got to work on a huge stake of pancakes, sausage and hash browns. A large pot of coffee was brewing also. As soon as Axel smelled all the goodness he sat up. He was a little disoriented for a moment. Then remembered it all and jumped out of the bed to shower and get back to his girl’s bedside.  

Mrs. Quinnby heard his feet on the wooden surface that only had a runner rug to pad his steps. She waited a few moments for him to get in the shower before knocking. She inched the door a hair open so he could hear her. “I hope you slept well Axel. Breakfast will be ready shortly. Fresh cloths are on top of the dresser. They should get you by for today.”

“Thank you, Sandra.” Axel mumble as he was letting the water beat down on his neck. “I’ll just take coffee to go. I want to be there when Susie wakes.”

“We all do, but first a hearty breakfast.” Her voice was insistent. “We can’t get in to see her for another two hours. You can eat with us.”

“Yes, Ma’am.” Axel sighed.  

She closed the door. Axel was tense. He felt bad about flaking on his brother and leaving his workplace to someone for at least two days without much notice. But he would have been going nuts not seeing Susie was okay himself.  

Axel is surprised yet grateful for the huge meal Mrs. Quinnby had ready when he walked out to the kitchen. He sat and she slid a cup of coffee his way. “We have several different flavors of creamer and sugar if you need it Axel.”  

She smiled kindly like he always thought a Mother should. She was so different than the Mother he had for a time in his life. The maid always made him cereal or sometimes eggs. Nothing like the feast that was laid out in front of him.  “I just take sugar. You didn’t have to go to all this trouble to make a huge breakfast just because I am here.”

“Don’t be silly.” She chuckled. “This is normal for us. I just usually make slightly less. It was no big deal. The pancakes are not even as good as you are used to, I am sorry to say.”

He poured syrup over them and took a bite. They were missing a little something, but they were light and fluffy. “Good, thanks.”

Mr. Quinnby came in and kissed his wife on the cheek squeezing her around the waste as he whispered something that made her laugh. He sat across from Axel. “Good morning young man. How did you sleep.”

“I slept good enough, Richard.” Axel cut a piece of sausage with his fork and stabbed at the hash browns to. “Thanks for the hospitality.”

“You’re welcome.” He took a sip of the coffee his wife put down for him. “Thank you for breakfast sweetheart. So as soon as we eat, and I shower we will go check on Susie. Sound like a plan?”

“Yes, Sir.” Axel continued to devour his food. Susie’s Mother filled his plate again as her Father went to shower. “Thank you. I hope I am not eating more than my share.”

“don’t be silly.” She was smiling at him like nothing made her happier than to make sure he was full. “It would just go to waste if you didn’t eat it Axel.”

Axel’s mind was blown. This was a different world. With a Mother that seemed to care. Even care for him when he was not her kin at all. He thought this was the way it should be. The way a Mother should act. The way Susie was going to treat their children someday.

It fucking blew his mind even more something like that even crossed his mind. Even though he loved her, there was no guarantee she would want to come back to him when her education was over. He pushed that out of his mind as he finished a second cup of coffee and second plate of breakfast.  

They arrived at the hospital minutes before visiting hours. The desk clerk in the waiting area was just sitting down when Axel went up for the group to ask if they could see Susie. The clerk got up and went to check with the nurse.  

“Miss Quinnby is just getting ready to move to Eight East.” The clerk told the family. “If you take the elevator up to the eighth floor, take a right, she will be in room 805 shortly. I would check with the desk to make sure. Sometimes room assignments change.”

“Thank you.” They said in unison. They walked to catch the elevator.

“She must be doing well this morning to movie to a regular floor.” Her Mother felt some relief.

“Yeah.” Axel mumbled in the elevator.  

“That is a really good sign.” He patted Axel on the back. “No worries, Axel. She is alright.”  

Susie was being rolled in a wheelchair into her room as they made their way down the hall of Eight East. They stood outside a moment for her to get settled in the bed. Axel let her parents go in first.  

Susie looked up with a smile. “Hi guys, sorry I worried you. I...” She saw Axel when he stood up straight behind her parents. “Axel? I thought I dreamed you were here last night.”

“It’s no dream Susie Q.” Axel smiled with relief.  

“We are glad you are feeling better Susie.” Her Dad stood behind his wife who sat in the chair beside her bed.

Her Mother took a deep breath, “What were you doing at a party like that anyone? Not one of your friends had each other’s back. Those are not good friends. I don’t think...”

“Please, Mom stop.” Susie looked away from everyone. “I get it. I fucked up. I made the decision to go out. The decisions leading up to this moment were on me not on my friends. Of course, I could have stayed home but I chose not to. The bad decisions are done now. Don't blame my friends.”  

“I’m just glad you got on the phone with someone that helped you.” Her Dad added. “It could have been much worse. Do you need anything?”

“I think I will be going back to the dorm this afternoon.” Susie sighed as she looked back at her parents. “Thanks Dad.”  

“Let’s leave the kids to talk sweetheart.” He squeezed his wife’s shoulders.

She got up. “Just be more careful Susie. That is all we ask.”

Susie just nodded.  

Her parents left and Axel sat beside the bed. “I would have come without the hospital stay. You just had to ask, Babygirl.”

Susie smirked. “And here I thought getting myself into a dangerous situation was the only thing that would get your attention.”

They stared at each other for a minute. Then broke out into laughter.  

[raywritesthings]

Bird in a Storm 12/17

My Writing Fandom: Arrow Characters: Laurel Lance, Tommy Merlyn, Athena, Joanna de la Vega, Roy Harper Pairing: Laurel Lance/Oliver Queen Summary: The confrontation between the Hood and SWAT on the roof of the Winick Building goes differently, altering the course of Laurel’s career, relationships and efforts to save her city forever, the shockwaves of such an altered path making themselves felt throughout her family and friends. *Can be read on my AO3, link is in bio*

Athena was accustomed to deferring to those less skilled or worthy than her. The current Heir to the Demon was only one such example and was, in part, why she was here.

Simply put, the League was stagnating before her very eyes. She couldn’t say when it had begun. Perhaps shortly after she had joined the League when the schism between Ra’s and his eldest daughter had occurred. Or perhaps not until much later, when a girl had laughed in his face at a display of his power and he had not relieved her shoulders of her head but instead allowed her room, board, training and even his Heir’s body for her own pleasure.

Athena believed in her heart, however, that Ra’s decline had begun between those two points, with the departure of Al Sa-Her.

Never had she met a warrior so single-minded in his goal, yet all the more deadly for it. The lost man who had stumbled upon their secrets molded himself into a weapon and leader, rising through the ranks with greater speed than any before him.

But Ra’s had let his Horseman go, and had never truly recovered the loss. His leniency towards Nyssa’s dalliance with the disloyal girl in their ranks, his over-reliance on the Pit keeping him confined to Nanda Parbat more and more. Despite all appearances, he was an old man dragging them all to the end with him.

Athena had had no plans to strike against him, not until she had overheard the news on a mission to the Americas about the man the rest of the world called Malcolm Merlyn.

That such a man should fall to a poorly carried out stunt such as the news described was unconscionable to her. She could only assume he had been forced to act in a manner to protect his son, the man who now stood before her. The man she needed in order to achieve the plan that had begun forming in her head.

“Athena,” Thomas Merlyn echoed. “Is that your real name?”

“It is the only name I answer to. And before you check, you will not find me in any sort of search you might conduct on your devices.”

He grimaced but carried on. “How did my father meet someone like you?”

“His oaths would have kept him from sharing too many details of his time away, but we were part of the same League once. I served first as one of his trainers, then as a comrade-in-arms when he surpassed even me.”

“Comrade… in arms,” he repeated once again. She hoped he wasn’t truly this dim. “So you’re saying my father left me after my mom died to go train in some secret Fight Club?”

“He was preparing himself to enact justice upon the ones who took her from this world. From the intelligence I have gathered, he was very near his goal before the Triad’s contracted assassin mortally wounded him.”

The young man’s eyes narrowed at the mention of his father’s current state. “You said you can heal him. How? You don’t exactly look like a nurse.”

Athena withdrew a vial from her pocket. A vial she had taken great care in filling with a priceless elixir. “The contents of this vial will revive him. Slowly, I am afraid, but I could not secure more and remain undetected. You will need to introduce it into his system. I recommend the IVs replacing his fluids.”

Thomas’ eyes reflected a hunger as he reached out, but his arm paused midway. “How do I know you’re not lying? That this isn’t just more poison?”

Well, he wasn’t a naive idiot, at the least. “I am risking everything by changing my allegiance to your father and his kin. Should the man we both trained under discover my actions, I will be forcibly returned and executed for my disloyalty.” Thomas blanched, but she paid no heed. “Nevertheless, I believe in the cause Al Sa-Her was working towards. The evil of Starling City is too great, and must be eliminated. Surely you see that your city is slowly choking on the waste that wells up from the bottom?”

The look in his eyes hardened, and he took the vial. “How long will this take?”

“It is unclear. But in the meantime, you must lead in your father’s stead. There are others he would have recruited to his cause. We must find them out and see just where their loyalties now lie in his extended absence.”

“Wait, are you trying to say you can find out who set up the hit?”

“Of course I can.” She knew he had little reason to trust her abilities as of yet, but he would learn. And if he learned each piece in just the right order, she felt certain she could craft The Magician an Heir more loyal than Ra’s could dream of, if less adept with a weapon. But that, too, could be taught.

Athena retrieved a phone from her pocket that she slid across the desk towards him. “My number is the only contact programmed in. Attend to your father, then call me when you are ready to take up his work.”

While his gaze remained distracted by the phone, Athena slipped away as quickly and quietly as she had come, disturbing no one. Her next steps were already clear in her mind; discover the source of the contract on The Magician’s life, determine the timeline of his recovery and the completion of his plans and deliver his son to him as a dedicated disciple. All of this she was confident she could achieve.

Thomas Merlyn was less skilled and worthy than she, yes. But he held that same cold determination, that drive of his father’s. And history showed that could be molded.

---

Joanna sighed as she settled back in behind her old desk. It was earlier than her mom might have liked, but she was officially back to work.

She stared across at the empty space where her friend’s things used to be. No more Sara in her graduation cap, no more white board of targets. Laurel was well and truly gone from CNRI.

Well, not totally gone. Her protege approached Joanna scarcely after she’d sat down.

“Hey, Thea.”

“Hey. I’m so glad you’re back.” The younger girl hugged her. “How are you?”

“You know, pulling through. I guess you have experience with that.”

Thea nodded. “Yeah, well just don’t do what I did and you should be fine.”

Joanna laughed. “Alright, what have we got today? Think I read something about a deposition being filed?”

“Mm-hm.” In her work clothes and with a folder in her hand, Thea Queen looked truly different from the party girl she’d been only a few months ago. “It’s against Edward Rasmus. He stole the family’s savings, and they’re looking for restitution to help them get back on track. They lost everything in their son’s college fund because of this piece of crap.”

Okay, maybe Thea wasn’t totally different.

“Well, hopefully we can get it all back. Let me see the file so I have the details before they come in today.”

She was able to read up on the Moore’s file as well as a couple others before the family arrived. The couple had even brought their young son with them, who was adorable as he was shy. Joanna talked them through the deposition process and promised to have it submitted before the day was out.

It was the last time she spoke to either of the parents.

Joanna woke up early to a call from the police informing her that her clients had been killed in a home invasion gone wrong. Taylor had miraculously managed to escape the carnage out a window, so now she found herself playing social worker instead of lawyer as they tried to figure out where he would go in the immediate aftermath.

Eventually, they decided on a temporary placement with social services until his grandparents could return to the States. It still broke Joanna’s heart a little to watch Taylor being led away by the hand, and she resolved to check in on him at least once a day until all of this was over. Though she’d need to be careful about how to do it; she didn’t want a repeat attack. The timing of that ‘home invasion’ was a little too convenient for her liking.

She was glad to get a text from Laurel that day asking if she wanted to meet up. It really had been forever since her friend had bothered to reach out and that stung, but Joanna wasn’t going to turn her away when she actually did try.

It was still strange seeing her with shorter hair, Joanna reflected as she grabbed the barstool next to Laurel’s at the old place they’d gone to once or twice after work in the old days. “Hey.”

“Hey. My dad called and said you’d been at the station,” Laurel admitted. “I thought you could use a drink. I’m buying.”

“No, you shouldn’t—”

“I’m okay,” her friend insisted. “I’m just really sorry to hear what happened to your clients.”

Joanna blew out a breath. “So am I.” The whole thing stunk of the crap Thea had mentioned yesterday, but of course that was only a feeling she had. And she wasn’t about to bring that up with Laurel when her asking her to get the Hood’s help on Danny’s murder was what had led to her friend’s fall from grace to begin with.

Yet apparently she didn’t have to. “It was Rasmus,” Laurel said with conviction as their glasses were set down.

She nodded even as she said, “There’s no proof. And now there’s no case. I mean, the kid’s only six.”

“Where’s their son now?”

Joanna looked down. “Social services took him.”

Laurel turned on the barstool to face her. “He’s in the system? After just losing his parents?”

“It’s only for a little while. They’re having trouble getting in touch with his grandparents because they’re out of the country.”

“But the killer Rasmus hired is still out there, Jo,” Laurel argued. “He could get the information on where Taylor is.”

“I’m hoping he was only interested in stopping Mr. and Mrs. Moore. I mean, what else could I do, Laurel?” Joanna asked. “I’m still staying with my mom, and I couldn’t bring Taylor in there and put her at risk like that after everything. I talked to your dad specifically and had him put two squad cars outside.”

Laurel looked down. “I’m sorry. I know you’re trying to do what’s best for everybody, I just…”

“I’m worried, too. I’m going to make regular check-ins over the phone in case someone’s got their eyes on me, too.”

“That’s not out of the realm of possibility,” her friend agreed. They both sipped at their drinks for a while, neither in the mood for idle chitchat. So much for catching up.

Joanna left her things with Laurel while she went to the bathroom before they headed out. As she approached the bar, she noticed Laurel was hunched over her phone, though she straightened up as soon as Joanna got close.

“You ready to go?”

“Yeah. Listen, we should do this some other time when work isn’t so depressing, you know?” Joanna said.

Laurel nodded. “Definitely. Maybe next week or so? I’ve got some busy nights coming up.”

“How late is that shop open?”

“I’ve picked up a couple things. Just helps to keep myself occupied.” She went in for a hug, and Joanna couldn’t help noticing how solid Laurel felt. Not that her friend had ever been all that fragile before, but there was something different to her stance, to the security she seemed to give off just through a hug. Joanna gave her head a shake as she backed off.

“Everything okay?” Laurel asked.

“Yeah. Guess I’m just thinking about how so much has changed… you’re taking care of yourself, right?”

“Definitely.”

“Okay. Well, I’ll see you.”

Joanna went home and ate dinner with her mother before they both kicked back to watch some TV. Nothing was really catching their interest, so her mother started channel-surfing. A picture on the screen caught her eye, and Joanna sat straight up.

“Go back, go back!”

“What, to the news?” Her mother hit a couple buttons and Green, the nightly anchor, came back on.

“—Rasmus allegedly confessed to police after they responded to reports of the Hood being spotted at the businessman’s penthouse. The hired gunman who killed Eric and Nancy Moore remains at large, and police advise all in the Glades neighborhood to exercise caution.”

“That’s the case you were working on?” Her mother asked. When Joanna nodded, her mom said, “Well, I hope you didn’t call him. Bad enough he got Laurel in trouble, I don’t need him sidling up to you.”

“It wasn’t me, mom,” Joanna assured her. But she was pretty sure she knew who it was, and she had to shake her head again. Laurel was never one to sit idle, was she?

With Rasmus in custody, Joanna decided to head to an early bed. No benefactor meant no additional hit, no additional hit meant no hitman.

Taylor would have to be safe now, right?

---

Mr. Blank had a job to finish. It hardly mattered that the target was a little boy. He had seen his face. That meant he couldn’t remain alive. It was nothing personal.

He’d already taken care of his former employer through posing as the man’s lawyer to gain access. Only one loose thread left, and he would be free to continue his business unhindered.

It had been a simple matter to get the information on young Taylor Moore’s current housing situation. He had simply called in pretending to be a representative of the boy’s grandparents seeking to confirm the child’s location for pickup. Sneaking a peek at the casefile number for Taylor had been another goal of his at the police precinct, and it aided his ruse.

A group home in the Glades was the boy’s temporary residence, and it would now be his final one. Mr. Blank parked his car on the next street over from the building, then walked along the sidewalk sure to keep his back to any and all CCTV cameras. There weren’t many in this neighborhood. Even better, he had overheard at the station that two officers that had been stationed outside had been recalled only last night thanks to Rasmus’ capture. That left him free and clear to take care of matters.

As he drew up to the steps of the building, he noticed a young woman sitting with her back against the wall of the home, head bent and blonde locks hanging in her face. A potential witness. How irritating.

Mr. Blank sighed and reached for the gun in his trench coat pocket. In the same instance, she stood up in one fluid motion and looked him right in the eye, revealing her own face was hidden partially behind a mask. Interesting.

“Somehow I had a feeling someone like you would show up.”

“I assure you, there’s no one else like me,” he told her. “But I would have expected the Hood after his intervention with Rasmus.”

“Sorry to disappoint you.” Her fists were balled and she had no weapons. This would be easy.

Yet as he retrieved his gun, she lunged, one hand closing around his wrist and twisting hard. Mr. Blank hissed and pulled back, the gun clattering to the ground. She kicked it further to the side and moved in closer. So it was to be a brawl.

He feinted to her left and was just barely blocked by her arm when he tried to strike her right. He grabbed her arm and yanked it to force her forward, ramming a knee into her gut.

She wheezed but barreled forward to take him with her, crashing him into the wall outside the home. Mr. Blank tasted blood when he bit down. He just barely got his guard up when she went for a punch to his face. He twisted her arm behind her back and relished the cry that left her as he closed in, the fingers of his other hand reaching for her mask.

“You’ve seen my face. Don’t you think it’s only fair I see yours?”

Her head jerked back, colliding with his chin. His grip reflexively loosened, and she spun out of his hold.

What she lacked in finesse, she made up for in sheer enthusiasm. This was a brawler, and she lived for the fight just as much as he did. He thrilled at the blood pounding in his ears, the pain in his jaw.

They both eyed the gun lying a few feet away. He dove for it. She dove for him.

Mr. Blank’s fingers grappled for purchase on the weapon as her weight fell upon him. He turned and was met with two hands forcing his arm away, just as he squeezed the trigger.

Bang!

---

He was walking home from another shift at the club when he heard a noise not altogether uncommon in the Glades: a person’s pained and heavy breathing. In the past, he might have kept on walking. But ever since his life had been saved by the Hood, he’d been trying to find some reason for it to have happened. Some reason he’d been worth it.

So Roy cautiously approached the alley he could hear the sound coming from. In the dark, all he could make out was the disheveled blonde hair of a woman leaning against the wall as she slowly staggered forward. Her head was down. She had to be focusing solely on putting one foot in front of the other.

“Hey. Hey, lady,” he said, coming forward. She hissed and drew back, but as she did her hair sort of shifted, revealing it to be a wig. And he thought he recognized the real hair underneath, short as it now was.

“Laurel?”

“Roy?”

He shook his head. “You’re the Woman. Should have known it was you.” She’d roughed him up well enough just for stealing Thea’s purse.

“Well, I’d congratulate you on your detective work, but this one was kind of handed to you,” she said, strain in her voice. She was limping pretty bad, too.

“Hey, what happened to you?”

“Got shot. Just a graze, but it hurts more than you’d think.”

“Don’t have to guess,” he said. Roy came around to stand at her side and pulled her arm over his shoulder. “Here, give me the wig.” He stuffed that in the pocket of his hoodie. Hopefully, they didn’t come across any cop cars or someone who looked at them too closely. “How far do we have to go?”

“Just a couple more blocks.”

They traveled it mostly in silence, not wanting to draw more attention to themselves than necessary. She had a place about the same size as his, though he thought her street had a slightly better reputation. Everything was relative.

“You got any disinfectant?”

“Cabinet above the bathroom sink.” She hobbled over to a little basket that turned out to hold sewing supplies. Well, at least she knew what was going to have to happen.

Roy returned from the bathroom to find her with one leg out of her leggings. He kept his gaze on the floor.

“You ever do this before?”

It took a beat where he thought she was nodding before she realized she needed to answer verbally. “Yeah. On my arm.”

“Okay. This’ll probably hurt a little more.”

She hissed when the disinfectant made contact with her skin and flinched badly at the first poke of the sewing needle. Not that he could totally judge her for that kind of aversion.

“You said a little.”

“My bad.”

Once he had finished closing up the wound, she grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch to throw over her lap which brought him some comfort. Roy sat back, watching her. “So when did this start?”

She shrugged. “A month or so back, officially. But it’s been coming.”

He thought he knew what she meant by that. The slow simmering of anger waiting to boil over into outrage at just how much everything here sucked. How unfair it was, how impossible it was for most people to escape.

“And the guy that shot you?”

Her head bowed for a moment. “He shot himself, in a way. I was trying to get the gun off him. It grazed me, but…”

She didn’t have to finish. 

Roy shrugged. “Then he got what he deserved.”

“What he deserved was to be tried for his crimes,” Laurel maintained, though her shoulders slumped and she lost the haughty look. “But I can’t say I’m devastated he’s gone. It’ll keep Taylor safe, at least.”

“Who’s Taylor?”

“A kid. His parents were trying to sue a man called Rasmus for losing their savings, and he hired a hitman to take care of the problem. The hitman killed the Moores a couple of nights ago, then came back to try and finish the job.”

Roy’s fists clenched at the thought. What kind of sick person targeted a little boy for something he wasn’t really even a part of? “How’d you hear about all this? I mean, was it the Hood or…?”

She shook her head. “The Hood has his own operation going on. I’m just doing my part where I can.”

“But you know him, right?” Roy couldn’t quite keep the eagerness out of his voice. “Or you know how to get in touch. I’ve been looking for him since he saved my life.”

Laurel said nothing, only studied him.

“Do you know if, I don’t know, I could help him somehow? I know how to fight.”

“The Hood’s mission is a personal one. I’m not sure that he’d be willing to risk someone else getting hurt,” Laurel said, smirking as she added, “There’s a reason I’m on my own.”

Roy looked down. So she thought it would be a no.

“He has a team.”

The unexpected words caused Roy’s head to jerk up sharply.

“I could see if he’s in need of anyone else to provide support. That’s the best I can promise you.”

It was better than he’d had. “I could help you fight out there.”

Laurel considered him. “You have a lot of good instincts, but they’re not honed. It’s going to take some training for you to be able to do more damage to them than they do to you.”

“That’s not a no.”

“It’s a we’ll see. Find yourself a way to train first. I’d recommend a guy except I think he’d kill me for sending another vigilante to his doorstep,” she remarked with enough lightness in her tone to make him think she was probably joking. “But for now, you shouldn’t be out there looking for trouble.”

He rolled his eyes. “Okay, mom.”

Laurel shook her head. “I am not old enough or financially and materially stable enough to be a mother.”

“Yeah, neither were my parents,” said Roy. He thought he caught her smirking at that in spite of herself. “I guess I should let you sleep the pain off.”

“That would help. I’ve got work tomorrow.” She stood with a low groan, wrapping the blanket around her waist like a skirt. “That’s not gonna be a fun walk.”

“You ever think about getting a bike?” He asked. “It’d get you around faster at night. Be easier to avoid the cops.”

She frowned. “Couldn’t afford it.”

“I know a guy who sells them cheap. They don’t have all the parts, but we could fix them up probably. Or I could.” He shrugged. “Support stuff, right?”

When he chanced a glance up, Laurel was smiling at him. “That’s not a bad idea. Tell me when we can see your guy.”

Roy felt his hope reignite, and he nodded. “Yeah, could probably get us in by the end of the week. But, uh, I guess you need my number.” He grabbed a pen off her counter and scribbled it on a to-go menu. Laurel grabbed it up with her free hand, nodding to herself.

“Okay. I’ll message you so you have mine, and I’ll let you know when I’m available.”

“Daytime would be best. I’ve got this new job. A real one, at the Verdant.”

For some reason, she smirked at that. “Good for you. You should stick around there.”

“Okay.” Roy backed up towards the door. “I’ll see you. Uh, what do you go by?”

“Laurel?” She said skeptically.

He snorted. “I meant like your vigilante persona. Everybody’s got different names floating out there. The Woman, Lady in Black, Angel, stuff like that.”

“And some less flattering monikers, I’m sure.” Laurel looked off into some kind of middle distance. “I don’t know. I hadn’t given it much thought.”

“Maybe you should.” He shrugged one shoulder and headed out the door. Once it shut behind him, he couldn’t resist pumping his fist.

He was in with the vigilantes. Well, one of them at least. And he’d make sure Laurel felt he was indispensable so that she’d have to agree he made the cut. And then someday, she might even introduce him to the Hood, and he could repay the man who had saved his life and shown him this new path.

He was finally going to make a difference.

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

[hanjislabig]

Hanji's Past

"Isn’t it worth trying?"

————-

(Thats an extract from a story me and my friend write. An evening with Levi and Hanji, eating crackers, drinking red wine and talking about old wounds.)

Hanji looks at Levi with loving eyes. "Offer up your beating hearts... that’s a really serious promise... at least that’s what my mother always said." She takes another cracker and slips it into her mouth, while relaxing on the bed again.

Her last sentence makes Levi sit up. "You've actually never told me much about your parents, how comes?"

"There’s nothing special I could tell you,” she answers his question and shrugs casually. “But what do you mean, I already did tell you some things.”

"Right, you did", Levi says. He has noticed her unusual reaction to his question immediately. "But only a few things from your childhood. I mean - what else? Are they still alive, are you still in contact with them, do they know about me, whatever."

Hanji remains silent for a moment. She often talks about her parents casually, but rather with the intention to displace the latest happenings. The ones that she’d rather ban out of her mind completely. Now she gets confronted with everything again, she doesn’t hate to talk about what happened, but she’s definitely not keen to tell it everyone.

Hanji takes a deep sigh before she changes her position and sits up, pulling her legs against her body and wrapping her arms around them. "You really wanna know? I mean you don’t have to ask out of politeness.“

Levi changes his own position a little bit. "Sound like there's something that's not easy to talk about", he says. "So I only wanna know if you wanna tell me."

Hanji sighs again but nods then. She props her chin on her knees and starts thinking where to begin.

"So, my father was a scout in survey corps. He always used to be away for long periods of time, when they went on expeditions. Besides he always needed to leave for Trost to work. In his free time though when he was at home, he did a lot of stuff with chemistry and architecture. I loved to read in his books and rummage in his stuff,“

Hanji chuckles lightly at the memory.

"Altough i didn’t understand anything of these academic textes. You know I just wanted to seem as smart as did. So I assume his interests somehow woke the interest in me too.“

She sighs.

“My moms a botanist. Sometimes she also cared for the kids in our neighborhood. We also had this huge lively garden where I spent a lot of my childhood in. She planted her flowers everywhere, it was beautiful, especially in spring when everything bloomed. Sometimes I simply sat the whole day in the grass, watching the insects flying around and doing their tasks, listening to the birds... I loved the nature, I remember that.“

From one moment to another Hanji gets more serious again and it seems like she came back to reality.

"When I was 12 years old, my father died,” she continues with a voice that doesn’t reveal much, “he was one of the deceased of an expedition. My mother and I didn’t know much about titans back then, no one has ever seen one, they were only known through stories. When I was a child... we didnt have these wall problems yet,” Hanji stares down on her feet, lost in her thoughts.

“We got the message over a letter from the commander. That my father died in war against the so called titans.”

Hanjis eyes narrow, almost not noticeable while she speaks about the titans. Even if it’s only for a short moment, it seems like her attitude towards these monster changes.

"Before that happened I never considered joining the sure corps. I didn’t even think about it. It was nothing more than the job my father had. But after I got to know he got killed by titans...“ she falters, "... I think that could’ve been the trigger for my Titan obsession. But not exactly like I see them now, no... I wanted retribution, revenge, justice for what happened to my father. I got obsessed with titans because of all the hate I carried in myself. So I guess that was the moment when i realized I want to avenge my father and I decided from one day to another that I’ll do the same job as he did. I wanted to kill all of these titans everyone was talking about and afraid of."

Hanji swallows with a dry throat and takes a brief break.

"Like I said, I was twelve years old at this point. My father passed away only a few months before the recruitment for the next legion started. I was completely convinced that becoming a soldier would be my destination so I... I let myself get registered that day... but without telling my mom...“

Hanji lowers her eyes and gazes at her hands, a feeling of guilt coming over her.

“This lead us to heaving the worst fight ever. It was... something worse ive ever experienced in my entire life before at this point,” Hanji can’t help but pulling a slightly pained face as the memories flash her, “I told my mother that I was joining the corps. And she said no. And I said yes. My mother...I realize it now... she was so concerned and frightened. If I just imagine this... her only daughter wants to do the exact same job that got her husband killed only a few months ago."

Hanji presses her lips together.

“She didn’t want me to go... but I didn’t listen. I didn’t care, I thought she’d be too selfish to let me go... how could I-... I was too young to understand how the love of a mother works..."

Silence again.

"I packed my few necessary things and left my mother behind. I was so furious, you can’t imagine. Full of blind anger and a raging, ambitious heart. I can-... still see her face... this expression in her eyes when I-... when I left without turning around a single time...”

Hanji slowly shakes her head in disbelief and breathes out shivering.

“That was the last time I saw my mother. I’ve never seen her again since then.” She has to look away from Levi, her facial expression tormented and hurt as she remembers what happened back then.

Levi listens to her the whole time without saying a word, just focusing on her story. When she talks about her life back then he feels a little pain in his chest. It sounds more than beautiful. So beautiful he's having a hard time even imagining it.

He finds it hard to believe such a happy childhood is even possible. But then he learns how that happiness ended. It's just a story like all the others, nothing they haven't heard a hundred times before. And still it's not. Because it's her story. Her pain, her motivation, her reason to choose the path she chose, the cross she has to bear every day.

There's this picture inside his head, a twelve-year-old Hanji, fuelled by sorrow and hatred, trying to turn that pain into power. This part of the story seems much more familiar and Levi thinks to himself that at least she had something to focus her anger on. In his own story there was no bad guy, no-one who had ruined his life and still it was ruined. So he turned his hatred against the whole world, but the whole world is a bad enemy.

Levi continues listening and it doesn't get better. He feels sympathy for Hanji's mother, what her daughter did to her wasn't fair. But still he doesn't blame Hanji. She was young, passionate, furious, had a goal. If she was anything like she's now that made her unstoppable. But back then she didn't have the far-sightedness to realise how what she was doing affected the person who cared about her most. Sometimes she still doesn't.

Hanji's wish to join the survey corps is just as understandable as her mother's for her to stay. It was a tragic situation with no possible outcome that would have been good for everyone. Still Hanji should have handled it differently. She knows that and this knowledge tears her apart. This is why Levi forgives her immediately. He's as sure that her mother would forgive her as well as he's sure Hanji won't ever. Maybe that's why she suffers from guilt issues whenever something happens to the people and creatures around her.

For almost two decades she's lived with the knowledge that it was her who has caused a person close to her pain and she never wants that to happen again. But whenever something similar happens she thinks it's her fault automatically. The fact that she hasn't found the courage to see her mother again since surely makes it worse. Hanji probably thinks she's a coward, which doesn't exactly help her build self-esteem. Levi moves a bit closer to her and starts massaging her neck soothingly.

"Thanks for telling me this", he says after remaining silent for a while. "What happened between you and your mother is really bad", he begins carefully.

"But you know that you did her wrong and that's the first step in the right direction. You didn't mean to hurt her back then, you just did what we all have to do at some point, you chose how to live your life. She shouldn't have tried to stop you, that's probably what she's telling herself every day, but she was worried. And you shouldn't have left without talking to her about it, but you were a young girl who had just lost her father and got it all wrong. It's awful how it ended..."

Levi stops for a moment and his voice changes.

"...but it didn't end. You're alive, she's alive, thank whoever you want to thank for that. So many of our next of kin are dead, there's no way we can sort anything out or be united with them in this life again. You've got that chance so many of us dream about. Take it."

He gives Hanji an encouraging nudge.

"You've forgiven her and you love her, there's a high chance she's forgiven you as well and I'm a hundred percent sure she loves you. So what are you waiting for? You love each other, you miss each other. You've both made mistakes but we all do. If there's any way you can talk things out and become a family again, isn't it worth trying?"

[kumeko]

Title: this warmth called home

A/N: For the @hyphenzines Kith & Kin zine! It’s the Hoshido & Azura siblings!

…

…

…

…

i. Mikoto

Mikoto barged into the private waiting room, not even bothering to knock before she entered. She was not one for ire, she had barely realized before the past few weeks that she could get angry, but now it seemed like it was all she could feel. Grief and rage shimmered under her skin, just waiting to be released, and if she could not cry, she would yell.

 Inside the royally decorated room, a small girl sat on a couch far too big for her. Her long blue hair pooled around her, her eyes taking in the room vacantly, and for one so young, she seemed so old. Sitting across from her was a familiar face, her strategist, and Mikoto spared the girl one last glance before turning to Yukimura. “What did you do?”

 To his credit, he didn’t shrink. Somehow, that just made her angrier. “I know you are angry—”

 “Do not presume to know what I feel,” she snapped back, crossing her arms.

 He flinched. That gave her more pleasure than she’d like to admit. “It was the only way to save Corrin.”

Corrin. At that, she wilted. Her daughter. Her only child—no, that wasn’t true, Sumeragi had given her four wonderful children to dote on. But he was gone and Corrin was kidnapped and Mikoto wasn’t sure she could take care of her family, let alone an entire kingdom. “How?” she asked, her voice cracking from the weight of it all.

 “We can ask for an exchange of hostages.” He smiled kindly at the girl sitting across from him. “A princess for a princess. Then you can return home too.”

 The girl who had been entirely silent, almost to the state of catatonic, until this point spoke up. Her voice sounded like a song. “That won’t work.”

 “What do you mean?” Yukimura asked, turning to her.

 “It won’t work,” she repeated, a vein of sorrow in her tone. “They don’t want me.” She smiled pitifully. “No one does.”

 And just like that, the rage burning through Mikoto like an inferno, the grief welling up like a tsunami, it all disappeared. All she could see was this one sad girl, this one lost girl, and she quickly drew her in her arms, hugging her tight. The girl started, surprised, and somehow that broke her heart more.

 “Do not say that,” Mikoto murmured. “There will always be someone who wants you.”

 They would have to come up with a different plan to rescue Corrin. She wasn’t going to let this girl go back to such a hateful place.

   ii. Hinoka

 Hinoka lay flat on a grassy knoll, one that overlooked the gardens below. Mikoto would be angry that her dress had grass stain on it again but this was important. Lifting her head slightly, she spied on the blue-haired girl strolling idly along the stone paths.

 Azura, Mikoto had called her. Hinoka had dubbed her new girl instead. Or maybe she should call her Nohr girl, considering where she came from. She wasn’t sure what Mikoto was thinking, letting her roam freely in the castle. How could she just introduce Azura like nothing had happened? What were they supposed to call her? Not sister, definitely not that. Corrin was gone and her father—Hinoka felt a familiar dullness in her chest, her eyes watering, and she furiously blinked away her tears. Now wasn’t the time to cry. She had to protect her family from interlopers. She had to save Corrin.

 After that, maybe, she could grieve.

 Wiping her eyes, she refocused her gaze on Azura. Mikoto was only her stepmom, anyways—it didn’t matter what she said, Hinoka was going to uncover the secret to Azura. Was she a spy from Nohr? Was she up to no good? Whatever it was, she wouldn’t get away with Hinoka on the watch.

 Two boys passed by Azura. They were distant cousins, if Hinoka remembered correctly. As they crossed paths, one of them bumped into her, knocking her down. Instinctively, Hinoka stood up, ready to charge down the hill. That wasn’t right, that was—

 That was Azura. She was spying on her. Hinoka forced herself to sit back down, watching how it played out. Sprawled flat on the ground, Azura just lay still. Laughing, the two boys approached her. Not bothering to offer her a hand, they said something intelligible before running off.

 Hinoka felt her blood boil. Spy or not, that wasn’t the way to treat someone. Springing off the soft ground, she ran down the hill. Azura still didn’t move. Had she been badly hurt? Coming to an abrupt stop in front of her, Hinoka windmilled her arms as she tried to keep her balance. “Are you okay?” she panted, crouching.

 Big blue eyes looked up at her, completely free of tears. Hinoka was impressed. Even now she sometimes cried when she got hurt. “I’m fine,” Azura replied softly, slowly getting up.

 There was absolutely no way that was true. Azura’s dress was ruined and drops of blood stained her sleeves. Hinoka snorted. “No, you’re not.”

 “I’m fine,” Azura repeated, shaking her head. Her fingers shook as she tried to wipe the dirt off her palms. Despite her nonchalant attitude, she flinched when she found a scrape on her palms. “Oh.”

 None of this sat right with Hinoka. And people called her stubborn! “That’s it, you’re coming with me,” she declared, gingerly grabbing Azura’s arm. It was the only place that didn’t look injured.

 Azura stiffened. Looking at her with distrustful eyes, she tried to pull her arm free. “What—”

 “I’m going to bandage you,” Hinoka explained, gently tugging Azura forward along the path.

 Resisting, Azura shook her head. “I don’t—”

 “You do!” Hinoka tried again. “I’m great with bandages! You can ask anyone!”

 Azura stared at her, then at the hand connecting them. Quietly, she nodded, allowing Hinoka to pull her along. “Thank you.”

 Hinoka grinned. Puffing up her chest, she added, “And if they ever do anything like that to you again, you call me. I’ll teach them to mess with you like that.”

 “But—”

 “No buts,” Hinoka interrupted firmly. “I’ll help you, alright? So don’t try to do everything on your own.”

 Strangely enough, she meant it.

   iii. Ryoma

Ryoma did not pride himself on much but one thing conceit he allowed himself was that he knew how to handle his family. Whether it was the oft-sullen Takumi, shy Sakura, brash Hinoka, or even his kind stepmother, it didn’t take more than a look at their face to guess what they wanted. His family was expressive in ways he wasn’t, and perhaps there were two things he allowed himself to take pride in.

 However, the little girl quietly observing the Zen garden was a complete mystery to him. Ryoma stopped walking through the castle and glanced at Azura as she stood primly next to a pond, her eyes downcast as she observed the minute ripples on its surface. It had been over a year since she’d come here, a year since Mikoto had asked them to take her in as though she were one of their own. Whatever hope they had for Corrin’s return, it would not be through a hostage exchange. That much was clear by now.

 Ryoma curled his hand into a fist. He could not understand what sort of father would abandon their child like that. Perhaps Nohr was full of monsters, just like the rumours claimed. No; he shouldn’t think like that. While Mikoto was managing the country well, it was only a matter of time before he came of age. He had to be ready. There was always the chance to negotiate, to save Corrin. The people of Nohr were people, just like his own, and there was some way to convince them to do the right thing. He refused to think otherwise.

 What would become of Azura then, he wasn’t sure. Despite seeing her on almost a daily basis now, Ryoma had just as much knowledge of her thoughts as he had the first time they’d met. Quiet and withdrawn, she acted like she was ready to be discarded at any minute.

 Then again, maybe she was. His expression softened as he watched her. Her family had forgotten her. And he wasn’t entirely blind to how the nobles here talked about her.

 “Do you need something?” Azura turned to him. Despite the question in her words, her expression held no curiosity at all.

 Ryoma started. Just when had he gotten so close? Somehow in his musings, he had wandered next to her. “I…” he trailed off, not sure what to say. “Do you enjoy the water?” He winced. That was certainly awkward.

 Azura observed the water once more. “Yes.” She didn’t quite smile, but the corners of her lips turned up. “It’s very calming.”

 So she did have other expressions. Ryoma smiled. Standing next to her, he peered down at the mirror-like waters. “I also find it calming. I find it easier to gather my thoughts here.”

 “Yeah.” Azura peeked at him furtively and he suppressed a chuckle. There, that was more like it. With the way she acted sometimes, it was easy to forget that she was a kid. Hinoka and Sakura had started playing with her, dragging her off on one adventure or the other, but Takumi was still distant. Perhaps he should talk to him about it.

 “Have you seen the fountain in the center of town?” he asked, clasping his hands behind his back. “It’s very relaxing to sit near it and listen.”

 “Fountain?” A note of curiosity rang in her voice, though she was quick to squash it. Azura shook her head. “No. I…I haven’t left the castle.”

 Since I’m a hostage went unsaid, and Ryoma closed his eyes. By this point, that was no longer true. Mikoto had started treating her like a daughter, his sisters as a friend, and he…well, he wasn’t sure what he thought of her yet, but she certainly wasn’t a hostage. Opening his eyes, he held out a hand. “Would you like to go today? I can show you where it is.”

 She looked at him again, hope in her eyes. This time, she couldn’t stop the emotion in her voice. “Really?”

 “Yes, really.” If this was how she reacted to seeing a fountain, how would she react to a Pegasus ride? Or to the town’s festivals? Would she smile fully? “I think you’ll enjoy it.”

 Hesitantly, she took his hand. “Thank you.” While she didn’t pull his hand, she did look at him expectantly. It seemed even Azura could act childish when it came to things she wanted.

 Ryoma didn’t stop the chuckle this time.

   iv. Sakura

Sakura had planned Corrin’s return a thousand times in her mind. The kingdom would throw a huge party, bigger than any of their festivals. Fireworks would streak across the air, exploding into multi-coloured flowers, and no one would go to sleep till dawn. All of her siblings would spend the night laughing; even Takumi would drop his perpetual scowl and grin. They’d eat childhood favourites and tell Corrin everything she’d missed and maybe, just maybe, Sakura wouldn’t have to feel guilty about the kidnapping anymore.

 Yet the pounding of her heart filled her ears instead of the festival drums, the copper smell of blood flooded her senses where savoury treats should have. Sakura quivered as she scanned the plains around her. Hoshidian soldiers fought off the Nohr attackers. A cacophony of sound surrounded her as swords clashed. Spears glanced off one another and magic sizzled and all of her dreams crashed around her feet.

 Sakura swallowed. Her mother was dead, her country on the brink of war, and Corrin was nowhere to be found. Fresh tears sprang from her eyes and she’d thought she’d been all cried out by now, that there was nothing left to shed. Her chest ached and she wondered just how many times could a heart break before it was destroyed?

 Wiping her tears, Sakura pulled herself together. Soldiers groaned as they fell and she clutched her staff tightly. She should be healing now. Healing who? Her siblings kept the Nohr royalty at bay, matching them stroke for stroke as the battle raged on. Should she start with the people around her or—

 Blue flashed in the corner of her eye. Sakura whirled around and breathed in sharply. Just ahead of her, Corrin and Azura dashed through the field, holding hands as they raced toward the river. Where were they going? That wasn’t the way home. Only Nohr stood on the other side of the bridge.

 A chill ran through Sakura’s spine. Before she could stop herself, she chased after them. Her lungs burned as she tried to keep up, her eyes never wavering from her sisters’ backs. “Corrin!” she yelled desperately. “Please! Stop!”

 Corrin turned abruptly, sword in hand. There was something dangerous about her. Something feral. “Sakura?” she uttered, surprised, and the feeling washed away, leaving behind only a confused girl.

 Sakura gasped for breath as she came to a stop. “Corrin…” She tried to control her breathing, her skin burning as she stood there. “Where are you going?”

 At that, Corrin flinched. “I…”

 “You’re not going to Nohr, are you?” Sakura gripped her staff tighter, unable to stop the tremble in her voice. “Are you leaving us?”

 “I…I don’t…” Stricken, Corrin looked at Sakura, then at their siblings. Worry filled her face as she watched the battle. “I just…”

 Somehow, that uncertainty hurt even more than rejection. How could Corrin leave them now, after all that had happened?  It shouldn’t even be a question; between kidnappers and family, it was obvious what the answer should be. A dark, sticky feeling ran through Sakura, this anger that she didn’t know what to do with. Forcing it down, she turned to Azura. “Please,” she begged. “Don’t leave us. Stay.”

 She didn’t think she could handle the heartbreak of betrayal.

 Azura’s eyes widened, surprise evident on her face. Glancing at Corrin, and then at Sakura, she murmured, “Me? You’re asking me?”

 “Yes!” Sakura closed the distance between them, grabbing Azura’s hands in her own. They felt so warm between hers. “We’re sisters, aren’t we?”

 Azura didn’t reply but she didn’t pull away either.

   v. Takumi

Azura sang, a soothing melody that washed over Takumi like a wave. As soon as the army finished setting up camp, she had disappeared. Takumi wished he could have been surprised to find her by a nearby river, serenading the moon. No, the only surprising thing was that he knew exactly where to find her.

 Standing stock still behind her, he listened as she sang. Even without her pushing magic into her voice, there was still something powerful about it. Something unsettling and unearthly and maybe that was what he struggled against all his life.

 No, that wasn’t quite right. Takumi clenched his fist, his nails digging into his skin. To put it like that was to pretend he had done nothing wrong, and that certainly wasn’t the case. Even now he could feel the dark energy sparking under his skin, the alternating tidal waves of depression and jealousy threatening to crush him. Her voice cut through them all, bringing him to his senses, and all he could feel now was shame. Clearing his throat, he stepped forward.

 Azura stopped singing immediately. Spinning around, fear flashed across her face before she recognized him and relaxed. Smiling softly, she greeted him, “Takumi.”

 There was no malice in her voice. It would have been easier if she had hated him, even just a little. Mercifully, she was alone. He didn’t think he could do this with an audience. “Azura.”

 They stood there awkwardly, staring at one another. The wind blew softly across the water, a cool breeze that played with the hem of her skirt. Azura brushed a stray lock behind her ear, her expression confused. “Can I help you with something?”

 Yes. “No.” This was something he had to do on his own. Gritting his teeth, Takumi bowed his head. “I’m sorry for how I treated you.”

 There was a long moment of silence before Azura started. “What?”

 “I’m sorry for how I treated you,” he repeated, trying to keep the impatience out of his voice.

 “Takumi…” A white dress filled his sight and two gentle hands grabbed his shoulders, straightening him until he looked Azura in the eye. “That’s fine. I’m glad that you’re better now.”

 Somehow, that made him only feel guiltier. Apologies would not get him out of this. Not for how he treated Azura, nor for how he treated Corrin. Action was the only way to make up for what he did and he covered Azura’s hands with his own. “Sister.”

 Her eyes widened before she broke into a wide smile.

   vi. Azura

Azura scanned the campfire. For once, none of the royals were on patrol duty. Ryoma and Hinoka sat on one side, discussing tactics. As usual, Hinoka was very animated, her hands flying all over the place as she talked. On the other side, Sakura and Takumi exchanged smiles as they watched the fire, allowing for a moment of peace in the midst of war.

 Next to her, Corrin watched them all with a happy smile. “I wish we could stay like this forever,” she murmured, glancing at Azura.

 She smiled softly. “Me too.”

 “After the war…” Corrin bit her lip, looking unsettled. When Azura gave her a questioning look, she whispered, “I’m not sure where I want to stay. Nohr, Hoshido, they’re both filled with precious people to me.”

 Azura wished she could understand. A pang of jealousy ran through her. To be torn between Nohr and Hoshido, between two families she didn’t want to part with—Azura couldn’t even imagine it. Nohr had only ever been cold and foreboding to her. A bitter place, filled with dark memories. What did it look like through the lens of love?

 Her only memories of warmth were from Hoshido. No. Azura looked at the people sitting in front of her. Her only memories were from her siblings, her family. From these people who’d taken her into their lives without asking for anything in return.

 “I’m sure you’ll make the right decision,” Azura murmured, still watching her family. What an ordinary sight. If only she could see it forever. Even now, she could feel her life draining away, her body held together by little more than her will. More likely than not, she wouldn’t live to see the peace after war. More likely than not, she would disappear, forgotten.  

 “I hope so.” Despite her troubles, Corrin smiled. “You’re staying here, right?”

 It was a foolish wish. Azura made it anyway. “Yes, I want to stay with them.”

 She didn’t want to leave this warmth she called her own.

[greennightspider]

Secrets V: Meet the Ragnarssons

Summary: Summary: Hvitserk is usually the quiet, mischievous brother. No one really knows what he does, or where he is half of the time, he’s usually an enigma. So what if the reason why….was not an it, but a who? Rumena beings to settle in and enjoy life in Kattegat. But what happens when their secret is found out?

Author: This is the second to last chapter set in the present timeline (not present as in modern).

Secrets, Secrets II, Secrets III, Secrets IV, Secrets VI

Hvitserk x Rumena (Mena for short) (OC)

Rumena inhaled deeply and let the morning Viking chill fill her lungs. She watched the small puffs of her breath fade into the air as the little waves kitten licked the shore.

“Many things on your mind?” Helga smiled as she approached the wistful girl.

Days with Floki and Helga were peaceful and filled with interesting things. Floki taught would teach Rumena about their ways, their legends and tales, while Helga taught you the more domestic things of the trade. Living in a city meant that you were used to markets and stalls, notsomuch crops and fields. Not that Rumena minded though.

“Just enjoying the morning air.”

“I would have thought this much too chilly for you.” Helga remarked, trying to balance her basket among the rocks, the frosty bite even a lot for her.

Rumena on the other hand welcomed the fresh tidings, the crisp clean air and the peacefulness of the outskirts of Kattegat.

“It gives me a peace that I have not known, and I fear I do not deserve.”

Helga came and sat down next to her close companion. “And why do you think you do not deserve it? Your friendship has meant more to me than you know.

Rumena smiled fondly at the compliment. “Well, why would anyone give gutter rat such a beautiful chance. To be surrounded by kindness and friends.”  The girl shook her head. “Such generosity has ever been given to me for nothing.”

Helga was about to reply, but stopped as she saw Floki approaching.

“Well whether you think you deserve it or not, it is here for you. The fjord and the gods welcome you to our shores, and surely It was in their plan for you to join with our mischievous prince.” Floki gestured grandly.

“We must bask when the fates shine their favour upon us, for you never know when it could turn.” Floki giggled.

“But not always turning for the worst.” Helga pointed out. “Twists and turns can always turn for the better.”

“Yes yes yes a wheel is not always upside down for long.” Floki gestured, kissing Helga’s cheek before disappearing off into the woods.

“He speaks in riddles, but he is right.” Rumena laughed and stood up with Helga, following her into their home to sort her gathered herbs.

“Speaking of change…” Helga started slowly. “Have you thought about things with Hvitserk?”

Rumena’s brow was furrowed as she held a few wisps in the side of her mouth. “What you mean?”

“Well, have you thought about the future? Or about maybe wanting a family?” Helga queried cheerfully, to which Rumena’s eyes widened.

Helga watched the normally feisty girl grow quiet, and slowly place the strands from her mouth on the table. “Rumena? I’m sorry I did not mean to startle you.”

“No no, it is okay.” Rumena stuttered. “I guess I haven’t thought much.”

Helga bit her lip before she pressed on. “I only ask because it is clear how Hvitserk feels for you. I mean, we’ve known him since he was young, and he’s always been a frivolous child. But these days…I have never seen him so focused on one thing.”

Rumena, who had been quietly listening, swallowed. “And what is this one thing?”

Helga looked at her as if it was obvious. “You. Providing for you, taking care of you, I have never seen him so serious.” Helga chuckled, going back to grinding her herbs, leaving her words to settle in Rumena’s mind.

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Rumena trudged back to the cabin she let her mind wander to her bedmate. While she had not known him for long, it seemed as though he grew more and more into a man every day.

She could not keep the smile from her face as she set her herbs on the table and flopped on the bed, taking in Hvitserk’s lingering scent. She was almost tempted to let herself fade into memories of temptful nights, wondering if she should get herself ready for when Hvitserk came. But a small thud made her freeze and sit upright. And it was then she realised she was not alone.

While she was writhing on the bed, indulging in fantasies, she had failed to notice the rather sinister visitor, sliding himself out from behind the bathtub. He had gazed at her in curiosity, wondering how his brother had snuck such a morsel for himself.

“Well well well, what do we have here.”

At once Rumena screamed and grabbed the nearest thing she could to throw at the stranger.  The intruder grunted as the pot broke on impact with his arm, and Mena used this chance to  try and make for the door.

But the stranger grabbed at her with one arm and managed to trip her skirt. She kicked at his arms to which he cried out in pain, but it only made his grip stronger when he caught her ankle.

“GET OFF!” She roared, trying desperately trying to break free, but on the floor the blue eyed demon made quick work of pinning her down. Rumena’s anger masked her fear as his bloodthirsty eyes got closer to her face, lording over her body like a spider.

“VISEKAAAAA!!!!!”

“QUIET SLAVE!” The stranger roared back at her.

“What the hell is this all about?”

Rumena turned her head up to meet two new strangers at the door, one with brown hair and blue eyes, the other with dusty blonde hair and blue eyes, with braids to match. Although the blonde haired one looked the older of the two.

“Ivar get off her!” Ubbe turning his head with a hint of sympathy in his eyes for the girl.

“She’s a slave,” Ivar’s grip tightened on her wrists, and Mena yelped in pain. “Why should I?”

“Get. Off.” Bjorn’s warning tone enough to give Ivar pause.

Ivar snarled but released the girl, to which she scrambled right to the back wall.

“We’re not going to hurt you.” Ubbe held his hands up in surrender, but Mena was having none of it.

“VISEKA!!!!!!!!!”

“What the hell is she screaming?” Bjorn yelled.

Hvitserk’s walk to his cabin turned from joy into dread when he heard the blood curdling scream of his name. He then started running up the hill to his cabin, seeing figures in the doorway. As he got closer he recognized it was his brothers, but Rumena’s scream told him this wasn’t a friendly visit.

Bjorn nudged Ubbe and nodded his head toward their fast approaching sibling, looking like murder in his eyes.

“Hvitserk , we swear-“

“GET OUT OF THE WAY!” Hvitserk barged through the wall of his brothers.

As soon as he laid eyes on Rumena clutching her wrists in the corner, and Ivar looking menacing as always, he made a beeline for the youngest and almost

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER, HMMM? DO NOT THINK I WON’T KILL YOU.”

Ivar’s eyes were filled with anger and uncertainty as Hvtiserk held him by his collar, Ivar having nothing to hold onto but his own brother’s arms.

In a flash Ubbe grabbed Hvitserk while Bjorn grabbed Ivar and separated the two, both of them still trying to lunch at each other.

“WHY ARE YOU HERE?” Hvitserk roared.

“Ivar had told us there was a runaway slave hiding here.” Ubbe attempted to explain while keeping Hvitserk in a headlock. “We followed him, but he got here first.”

“What have you been doing here then brother?” Bjorn grunted as he struggled to keep Ivar in check. “Keeping the best for yourself?”

“.....Brothers?”

The boys all looked to Mena, who had since made her way towards the firepit and grabbed a long metal poker. Hvitserk instantly stilled in Ubbe’s arms. “Mena, did they do anything to you?”

“The crawling one surprised me. But that’s all.” Mena tried to sound, but Hvitserk saw her try and deftly pull her sleeves down over her wrists. She was trying her best not to tremble.

Hvitserk shoved himself out of Ubbe’s grip, and then turned so he was in front of Rumena.

“Get out.”

Bjorn thought his little brother, the joker, was once again playing a ruse. “Come on Hvitserk-“

“I said GET OUT!”

Even Ivar looked a tad startled at the outburst, never knowing Hvitserk to be the serious one. Or the angry one. Those two roles had already been taken. And yet Hvitserk stood there, his back straighter than ever. Bjorn too was intrigued by the resolve in his brother’s eyes, but decided this was a battle for another day. “Well then.”

“What the- hey!” Ivar tried to squirm as Bjorn dragged him outside with him. “I wasn’t done with him!” Ivar roared, kicking and wriggling as he went.

Before Ubbe could exit he put his hand on Hvitserk’s shoulder. “Brother, you know that if she is a slave or otherwise, you will need to inform mother.”

Hvitserk said nothing, but the clench in his jaw told Ubbe that he understood.

As soon as the door was shut Mena dropped the poker in her hand.

“Viseka-“ She tried to get out, but Hvitserk cut her off.  Picking Rumena up and laid her on the bed, covering them both in furs and holding her close. He kissed each her wrists, to which she winced.

“Why did you lie.” He glared, still holding her hands in his. Her big hazel eyes looked downcast, biting her bottom lip.

“They are your brothers...” Mena slowly wrapped her hands around his. “Men around me have always taken the side of their kin-their brothers-even if they have been wrong.” Hvitserk watched those beautiful eyes start to glaze over with memories that looked to haunt her from the dead. “No one took my side. Not once.”

Hvitserk encircled her once more, resting his chin on her head. “You know I would never do that. Blame you when my idiot brothers are the ones at fault.”

Rumena laughed, but tried not to let tears flow as she buried her head in his chest.

“You know I would always protect you. No matter what.”

She sniffled as she looked up at Hvitserk, at the man she knew now held her heart in his hands. She kissed him endearingly, pouring in all the love she could muster.

“Thank you.”

Hvitserk held her close to his chest for the rest of that night. Never letting go.

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[nothingeverlost]

penny!verse. I'm curious how Belle & Gabe walk the line between a teenage boy getting into halloween and Claire being just old enough start to understand the holiday and be scared of some of the movies and things, especially given what B&G have seen because of their jobs. tricks and treats?

Apparently when I said ‘flashfic’ I lied.  Are we shocked?

Takes place about 5 years after Belle returns. Claire is a little over two.  

____________

Halloween stores were not Belle’s favorite place.  She’d seen too many skeletons laid out on coroner’s tables to be amused by the styrofoam immiations.  One aisle was entirely fake weapons, from plastic knives painted with fake blood to rubber guns that looked too realistic.  Worst were the costumes that declared ‘serial killer’ and ‘sociopath’ and ‘insane patient’ to be the perfect way to dress up.

Unfortunately she needed a costume for Claire, and didn’t have the time to look more than one place, of the skills to make it herself.  Bay, seeking a costume of his own, had decided to join the trip which meant she couldn’t just stick to the aisle filled with rainbow colored costumes.  Claire settled relatively quickly on a ‘pun-kin’ costume.  Belle wondered if Bay would be as easy to please.

“Hey Belle, you should totally dress up this year.  There’s a ton of stuff here.  Just not, you know, the sexy FBI agent costume because that would be weird.”  Bay didn’t seem to have found a costume yet; the only thing in his hands was a pumpkin carving kit.

“I wish I thought you were joking.”  She had nothing against dressing up.  And certainly she and Gabe had tried their hand at role play more than once, but the general sexualization of women’s costumes upset her.  Sometimes it seemed there wasn’t any other option and she hated the message that it sent.  “We’re only taking Claire to a few homes this year before dinner at David and Mary Margaret’s.  If anyone asks I’ll tell them that I am a FBI agent.  What about you?”

“I haven’t had a chance to talk to Gabe yet, but I think I’m missing dinner this year.  There’s this party, one of the guys in my chem class is throwing it.  I can’t decide, is Dracula too overdone or is it classic?”  He looked at his hands; Belle hadn’t noticed the fake blood container on top of the carving kit.

“Classic,” Belle decided.  It certainly was better than a lot of other options he could have come up with, and she knew that he had almost everything he’d need at home.  They just needed to find fangs and a cloak.  When she thought too much about the party, though, the hairs at the back of her neck stuck up.  He was nineteen, in college now but mercifully had decided he wanted to live at home.  He needed, even more than other kids his age, to feel like he belonged.  In high school it had been common knowledge that he hadn’t grown up the same, that school was new to him.  He was small for his age thanks to poor nutrition.  It had taken time, Gabe had told her, for him to settle in and begin to make friends.  Now as a college freshman he had a fresh start in many ways.  

She knew what could happen at parties.  Knew that kids on their own for the first time would be testing their limits.  And Halloween always seemed to make it worse, the anonymity of masks and costumes allowed people to do things they wouldn’t usually consider.  She had to bite her tongue to keep from telling him it was a bad idea.  She would have to talk to Gabe and figure out how they prepared their boy as well as they could.

Every year since she’d moved back they’d all had dinner at the Nolan’s - the first time she’s almost hadn’t gone, but Emma had talked her into coming and Archie had gone home with her; they’d watched Christmas movies for hours declaring it the start of the holiday season.  The next year she and Gabe had been together, and had come with Bay and gone back to the pink house.  Three years ago she had only just learned she was pregnant.; the next year there had been four of them.  Last year she’d dressed Claire up as a dragon and Neal Nolan had been a knight.  Emma, Graham, Ariel, and Archie had all joined her, Gabe, Mary Margaret and David was they’d taken the two around the neighborhood.  Henry and Bay had spent most of the night playing video games.  Perhaps she should have known then that the tradition was changing, but she would miss it.

“Awesome.  Give me five minutes to grab a couple of things and I’ll be ready to go.”  True to his word Bay was back in four with a red lined black cloak and an uncomfortable looking set of plastic teeth.  He also had a gold plastic necklace with a large medallion that was supposed to look gothic.  Perhaps she would at least be able to sneak in some education on the historical and literary character of Dracula. She paid for their purchases even though Bay offered to cover his own, and was relieved when they were headed home.

II

“Would you like paints too, sweetheart?  It might be safer for you.”  Belle teasingly moved the carving knives closer to Bay and offered her husband a paintbrush.  Claire, covered in an old shirt of her brother’s, had a paper plate covered in easy wash paints in front of her and a pumpkin waiting to be decorated.  Bay was already sketching out a monster’s face on his pumpkin, while Belle’s plan was for something more traditional.  

“I haven’t had a kitchen accident in ages, thank you very much.”  Gabe accepted the brush, though, thinking it might come in handy.  It had potential for tickling a certain brunette on the back of her neck, for starters.  And perhaps other places as well, when his kids weren’t around.  He jumped into his own carving without a plan or sketch.  Everything was quiet for a few minutes before Claire started crying.

“Sweetheart?”  Her hands were covered with paint, and somehow her left cheek as well, but he didn’t hesitate before pulling her onto his lap.  He was closer than Belle.  “Can you tell papa what you’re feeling?”

“Hurt,” she sobbed between her tears.  

“Where does it hurt, my love?”  He couldn’t see anything but maybe the paint was hiding it.  Or maybe it wasn’t something that could be seen; she’d had the flu a few months ago and had thrown up enough that they’d had to take her to the emergency room for an IV.

“Pun-kin hurt.”  She pointed to his pumpkin, the top cut off and some of the seeds removed.  “Bandaid?”

“Oh dear,” Belle spoke from across the table.  “I hope this doesn’t mean I picked the wrong costume.”

“It’s okay, peanut, the pumpkin likes it.”  Often times anything Bay said was okay was taken as law by Claire, but today she wasn’t having any of it.  She only cried harder.

“Hurted.  Pun-kin owey.  Fix, papa.”  She looked up at him and if he wasn’t convinced by the tears he was when she touched his cheek.  “Peese?”

“Mama will go get some bandaids while we wash our hands, princess.  We have some surgery to prepare for.”

II

“It’s just me, Claire.  Your brother.  See?”  The scary man crouched low, holding out his hands so he could take her away.  He’d already taken her Bay and was in his room, his face the wrong color, like the same as her milk, and blood on his mouth.  She wanted her Bay.

“It’s a costume, kiddo.  I’m just getting ready for a party.”  When he came closer Claire wanted to run but maybe Bay was hurted.  Claire did the only thing she could think of, she kicked as hard as she could and ran to find her papa.  He would make the scary thing go away and find her Bay.

II

It was after two when he pulled into the garage, his cloak in a heap in the passenger seat and the ridiculous fangs in some trash can.  When he looked in the rearview mirror he could still see streaks of white from the makeup he’d mostly washed off.  Unfortunately he could see some blood on his lip, and not the fake kind.  Hopefully it would look better in the morning, before he had to sit across the breakfast table from his family.

When he opened the garage door he found that there were still a few lights on.  Normally catching Gabe and Belle kissing on the couch made him feel both good, because of how much they loved each other, and weird because who wanted to see their parents doing that?  Tonight, though, he just hoped they were distracting each other enough that he could get to the stairs before letting them know that he was home..

He should have known better.  FBI agents, even when one was retired, were not people you snuck away from.

“Aren’t you going to say goodnight?  Or perhaps good morning?”  He couldn’t ignore Gabe, and took a deep breath.

“You didn’t have to wait up for me.  I would have let you know I was home.”  He knew they worried, and understood it.  Appreciated it, even.  Before meeting Gabe he hadn’t known anyone could care about him.  

“It’s not that we don’t trust you, Bay, we just…”  Belle stopped, and got off the sofa.  “What happened to your lip?”

“It doesn’t hurt.”  Or it least it didn’t until Belle touched it, no matter how soft her touch was.  “It was a good party.  Most of it.  There was just this one guy.”

“Someone you liked?”  Gabe asked, frowning.  

“Hell no.”  It hadn’t been that long ago that he’d told Gabe how he felt about guys.  Had said the word ‘gay’ outloud.  Gabe had told him it was the person that mattered, not their gender.  He’d also gone into embarrassing detail about what it meant to be safe and protected.  There had been a guy at the party and there might have been some fumbling in a literal closet, but he wasn’t about to talk about that.  “Someone who liked a girl that didn’t like him back.  He didn’t accept the word no.”

“Bastard.”  Gabe’s expression could only be described as a snarl.  Belle touched his arm and gave it a squeeze.

“Is she alright?”  Belle asked.

“Yeah.  I gave her a ride back to her dorm.  Dom was too busy holding his nose to notice where we went.”  He wasn’t ashamed at the pride he felt in what might have been a broken nose.

“I’m glad she’s safe.  And you are too.”  Belle kissed his cheek.  “Now let’s go get some ice for that.”

II

“It’s too much to hope that the experience has soured him on parties, isn’t it?”  Thirty minutes later Bay had gone to bed, Claire had been checked on and was still sleeping in her costume, and he and Belle were finally getting ready for bed.  “It was easier when he was still in high school.”

“He’s smart and he’s kind, and he’s not alone.  That matters, sweetheart.”  Belle spoke from the bathroom.

“At least Halloween is over for the year.”  He stripped out of his clothing and slipped under the blankets.

“Not until the sun rises.”  When Belle came out of the bathroom she wore a witches hat and a black lace nightie covered in bats.  And nothing else.  “Not everything about Halloween is bad.”

He had to agree.