#ive made myself even sadder

[h0nkch0c0late]

RAINSTORM

Vincent Nigel-Murray x Reader

WARNING: season 6 spoilers!!! Angst, character death, mentions of blood

SUMMARY: You always loved rainstorms. Now? You felt like one. And this time, you weren't so sure you liked it.

It all happened so fast.

One moment, he was taking the phone from Booth, waiting for the 5th ring.

The next, he was being tackled to the ground by Booth in a panic.

"We're fine." Booth had said as he slowly began to lift himself up.

But as I walked closer to them, I could see the blood begin to spill from beneath Vincent's body.

I froze. My heart began to beat 10× faster than usual, my breathing heavy.

Dr. Brennan raced over, and the two of them began to panic. They were telling him to keep his eyes open, talking to him and trying to help him stay alive.

Before I knew it, my feet unconsciously began to drag me towards them, tears beginning to fight their way past my eyes as I crouched down, lifting his head into my lap.

I held his face in my hands, my thumbs rubbing gentle circles as I tried my best to fight the tears back, to prove to him that he'd be okay.

He looked back and forth between Booth, Brennan, and I as he continued to stutter out his words of desperation.

"I..pl-please dont-just don't make me go." He begged, his eyes meeting mine.

"No one's making you go anywhere, Vince. You can stay here as long as you like because you're going to be fine, okay?" I choked out, one hand letting go of his face and going through his hair.

I could feel Brennan and Booth's eyes staring at me, whether it was shock, sadness, or both I couldn't tell. But I knew this was the first time they had ever seen me so desperate... the first time they had ever seen my cry.

It's funny, really, I hadn't noticed I had let a few tears slip. I was so focused on keeping Vincent alive that I didn't care what I looked like.

"I-I don't want to go, I love-it's been lovely." Vincent stuttered, his breathe slipping away.

I could feel his head getting heavier on my lap, his skin feeling colder against my fingertips as Booth was saying something I couldn't quite make out.

My ears were ringing as I kept staring into Vincent's eyes.

But he wasn't staring at me anymore, He was staring through me. I wasn't met with the same comforting eyes he always gave me. Instead, they were cold. Dead.

Suddenly, someone started to scream bloody murder. I couldn't tell who.

Was it brennan? Me?

My eyes finally moved up towards brennan and Booth, and my question was answered.

I was the one screaming. And i couldn't stop. I couldn't stop the dam in my eyes from breaking, and the screaming couldn't be silenced.

Suddenly I felt myself getting wrenched up from the ground, but I didn't want to leave him. Ever.

I tried to fight against whoever was holding me in place, but it was no use.

They were trying to tell me to calm down, but I couldn't. Vincent was dead, and I was alone again.

How could I ever be calm about that?

----------------------------------------------------------

Before I knew it, we were all sitting at the little conference room thingy where Booth and Sweets would usually meet with families and suspects in.

I had been zoned out, the image of Vincent bleeding out repeating over and over in my head.

It felt like there was a rainstorm in my body, sadness pelting through me heavily, soaking my entire existence.

Usually, I loved rainstorms. They gave me a sense of comfort. The soft patter of raindrops against the windows...covered in a blanket, snuggled up against Vince on the couch.

But now...this rainstormy feeling isn't so nice. And I hate it.

I was knocked out of my thoughts when I heard the door swing open. It was Booth,

"So...Brodsky got away." He began, "He was on a construction crane when he took the shot. We recovered the bullet casing." He showed the empty bullet casing to everyone as he leaned against an empty chair.

I only took a glance at it. Part of me didn't WANT to see the thing that killed my boyfriend.

He then threw it down onto the table, "it was an amazing shot."

"How did Broadsky see into the lab?" Brennan questioned.

"Thermal imaging." Booth looked down at the table, "he aimed for the guy who picked up the phone."

"He meant to kill you." Cam nodded.

"I'm the one who gave vincent the phone. I told him to pick it up." Booth stated, eyes moving towards Cam.

"You didn't know. I mean, there's no use..." Sweets tried to therapize.

I rolled my eyes, my hands clutching to the armrests of the chair I was sitting in. I could feel the anger starting to boil, turning my rainstorm of emotions into a giant thunderstorm. I knew that Booth wasn't to blame, but my views were skewed. I should be blaming Broadsky because he's the one who murdered Vincent, but... I felt as though if I looked at Booth even once, I'd try to kill him.

"I don't blame myself for this, Sweets."

God... even hearing him speak makes me wanna claw him to death.

"-I blame the guy who pulled the trigger."

Sweets nodded, "Okay."

"You still have blood on your hands." Brennan mentioned.

Booth looked away.

"Booth, she, she means literally."

As I looked to his hands, Brennan was right. Booth still had some of Vincent's blood on his hands. Somehow, that was my breaking point.

I jumped up from my chair, clenching my jaw as I quickly walked, stopping beside Booth. "No, actually, it is your fault. You could have given the phone to ANYONE else. But you chose Vincent. It is your fault. And I hate you deeply for it."

Without letting anyone get another word in, I stomped out of the room. I was fully aware that the pants I was wearing were covered in a crimson red. After all, I had been kneeling in his blood.

I didn't stop until I was in my room at the jeffersonian, the two stuffed animals Vincent had gotten me after his trip around the world sat against each other on my desk, and my anger began to slowly melt away.

I smiled as I walked over to them, picking them up. The memory of how I got them began to flood through my mind.

Vincent had just come back from his trip around the world, his first stop back home was to my house. He had walked in with a giant smile, hiding something behind his back.

As I let him in, he kept whatever was behind his back a secret as best he could until we sat down on the couch.

"What have you got behind your back?" I asked curiously, eyebrows raised.

"Guess." He smirked.

"Is it a really expensive necklace that you know I'll feel bad about because I hate when you buy me things that are more than $20?"

he chuckled, shaking his head. "No, it's better."

My eyebrows laced together as I tried my best to think of something, but I ended up blank.

"Sorry, I've run out of things to guess." I shrug.

He laughs, rolling his eyes, "Alright, fine I'll show you."

My eyes light up, excited that I wouldn't have to wait any longer.

He pulls his arms from behind his back, and my eyes widen at the sight.

in his hands were two stuffed animals. Cows. The one in his right hand was the exact one I had when I was a kid. Well, it was a replica, at least. I grabbed both and hugged them tightly. A giant grin plastered my lips.

"Wha-how? How did you?"

He shrugged, "I remembered you telling me about the cow you had when you were a kid. Saw it at the store and just had to buy it. I felt bad just buying it by itself, so I bought the second one so it could have a friend. Did you know cows could have best friends? They have very complex emotions just like us."

I laughed lightly, wrapping my arms around him in a tight hug whilst holding the two stuffies.

"Thank you, Vince. You are the best!"

"Well, I mean, I wouldn't say the BEST..." He says modestly, hugging me back.

A knock was heard at my doorframe, and part of me expected it to be Vincent as I turned around, holding the one with the black spots tightly in my arms.

Unfortunately for me, it was Sweets.

I frown, "What do you want?"

"I just wanted to ask if you were alright." He says, hands up in defense at my aggressive tone.

I sigh, "yeah-well, no-its just...its all too much. I didn't mean to burst out at Booth like that...I just... the anger got to me, and I couldn't control it."

Sweets leaned against the doorway, arms crossed, "do you actually blame him for Vincent's death?"

"What? No. No, of course not. It's fully Broadsky's fault. He was the one who pulled the trigger on Vince, not Booth." I look down to the cow plushy in my arms and let out a deep breath I hadn't even realized I was holding in. "I just miss him, Sweets. I keep thinking that if I just blink, he'll be standing right in front of me. And he's not. And it's like there's this rainstorm inside of me that just won't go away and I hate that feeling so much and I want to cry so badly but if I do, that'll make it real. I don't want it to be real, Lance." I say, almost desperately, clinging to the stuffed animal in my arms.

He frowns, walking his way over to me. He didn't say a word, pulling me into a tight hug.

I felt my entire body collapse into him, the walls I built beginning to crumble. I was so much more fragile than I had thought.

"It's okay to cry, you know. In fact, in this circumstance, it's needed." He suggested.

Would he ever stop being a shrink to his friends? Probably not. But it worked. And that dam broke.

Once the tears started, I knew they couldn't stop.

I had gone home that night, and cried even more. I cried until my tear ducts were dry, drank some water, then cried some more until I fell asleep.

----------------------------------------------------------

It was over. Broadsky was defeated, and we wouldn't have to worry about him anymore.

But now, the group of us stood near the steps of the building, waiting for Brennan as the van to pick up Vincent's body arrived.

Booth and I had talked a little bit before. It mainly considted of me apologizing profusely for blaming him and him trying to calm me down and saying that it was okay. In the end, it was fine.

"Maybe she's not coming." Cam spoke up.

"No. She'll-She'll be here." Angela nodded.

"Dr. Brennan has been known to retreat into hyper-rationalism in times of emotional turmoil, which could very well result in..." Sweets began to explain, but I cut him off by elbowing him in the side.

"Okay, even I want to slap you now." Hodgins responded.

"Alright, guys. Bones said she would come. She will definitely be here." Booth stated.

---------------------------------------------------

And, Booth was right. Shortly after we had told the people who were carrying Vincent's casket that we would take care of it, Brennan had appeared with a vase full of flowers.

"Do-do you wanna say something?" Angela asks Booth.

Booth looks a little taken aback, "what? Me? I-I barely knew him."

"That's true." A voice rings out from across the street. Brennan makes her way over to us, her arms around a potted plant. "Booth only called Mr. Nigel-Murray 'The English Squintern'."

I let out a small chuckle at that.

"Well, some of us were worried that you wouldn't make it." Sweets mentioned.

Brennan lifted the vase of flowers up, "I stopped to get this."

"Right, because nothing says "rest in peace" like a potted plant." Cam chuckles.

Brennan sets the vase down onto the casket, "did I...do something wrong?" She asks, confused.

I started to feel the tears well up in my eyes again as I shook my head no.

"No, honey." Angela reassured, "You did something exactly right."

As Brennan took her spot with the group, I took that as my chance to put my own "rest in peace" thing onto his casket.

I looked down at the stuffed cow in my hands, the one with the black patches. It was the "best friend" that vincent had gotten the first one. A small smile appeared on my lips as I walked over to the casket, setting it down against the vase full of flowers that Brennan had put down.

"Did you know that cows grieve when their friends or family die? You were right, Vince. They have complex emotions, just like us." I tell him in a broken whisper.

I could feel everyone's eyes on me as I began to back away, fighting back the tears that threatened to surface once more.

We all stood in silence for a few seconds before Hodgins broke it,

"You know, Vincent gave me a great piece of advice. He said, "The busiest shopping hour of the entire year is between 3:00 and 4:00 on Christmas Eve." So..I never shop during that time."

"Oh." Sweets began, "He told me that Quebec City in Canada has the same amount of street crime as Disney World...so, safe place to visit."

Cam cleared her throat, wiping a tear from her eye, "Vincent informed me that the crack of a whip was actually the tip breaking the sound barrier."

"He told me that the top of the Eiffel Tower is actually six inches shorter in the winter time. So it's better to climb it then." Angela chuckled.

I smiled, "he once told me that even cows have best friends." Is shrugged, "not really useful, just good to know, I guess." I laughed lightly, sniffing as I felt a few teardrops fall from my eyes.

"Vincent's favorite song was "Da Lime and Da Coconut." Brennan chimed in.

Sweets' eyes widened, "Seriously? 'Cause that's like- that's my jam."

Angela and I chuckled together, and I glanced over at Sweets, shaking my head lightly at him.

We then continued our silence until Sweets started to sing Da Lime and Da Coconut, and then suddenly everyone was singing it.

As we sang, we lifted Vince's casket into the truck, booth closing the door and stood there, watching it drive off as we continued to sing.

The others headed inside, still singing as I stood there, staring off at the van that drove further away from my view.

Even Brennan and Booth, who had stopped only for a moment, had gone inside, leaving me to deal with my raging sadness alone.

As I heard the door close, I fell to my knees, letting the tears flow out again as I sobbed into my hands.

I would rather deal with this rainstorm alone than drag the others' sadness on longer than they should.

And it's okay because I've always felt better doing it alone, because that's how I function.

But man, do I wish Vince was with me.

----------------------------------------------------------

😃😃😃😃I am not okay 😃😃😃 also i know its a little longer than my usual ones but <333

[ghoulsbeard]

tagged by @jiubilant and @everybodyknows-everybodydies to share a few lines from pieces and some comments alongside... challenging... thank you both kindly for the tag :]

passing it to @ghostwise @vakarians-babe @isayashai @ervona @nuwanders @mxssrelay @favoriteblogonthecitadel @tiny-banana-time @arcann @lavampira @nulfaga & anyone who’s interested feel free… @ me if you like ! :)

I pulled some from wips & hope that’s OK

line that made you laugh

enjoy the idea that borgakh has a taste of the infamous black briar brew & is unimpressed.. all this scheming and your mead isnt even good

(it’s “watery and overpriced” in the current draft but idr where i have that version)

line that makes you sad

oblivion wip.. there are probably sadder scenes afoot but this one was hard to write down.. :(

line that you’re proud of

wanted a line that walked the church with her and i think this one got pretty close

line you think could’ve been done better

dont know where i put it but there was some line in a rabbit trail doc of an mfx draft from when id convinced myself the endgame of 3 involved someone plummeting to their death… nice idea but the logistics are a nightmare

line that makes you want to punch a character

he gets worse than this unfortunately i didnt have the heart to dig for something nastier but farwil cannot ever catch a break

line that makes you go “awww”

wee short im working over with ms druzarath if i can get baurus’ voice somewhat right

was playing a little while ago and kept thinking how young they both are

line that contains an easter egg

this is a canonical tavern!!! its real and ZITHER! played there… conceived it as a ye olde gay hookups dive bar with baffling architecture👇

line that’s shocking

this was hard… nothing ive penned down really qualifies (at least nothing that’s readable).. like this isnt shocking at all to me but i put it here bc im hoping the whole scene will be gross and a little disturbing when the next draft is done

line you want to talk about more

I THINK.. steeples my fingers…. the armor that vivienne brings to the winter palace is twofold. some of it is cleverly made so it looks like a part of her formal outfit (accessories boots etc) and for the rest (esp the breastplate, which is worn beneath her dress) she wears it the entire time and has a well woven illusion in place.

i also think she has little glowing gold wisps of ambient magic that follow her around... 1) these keep her battle-ready, in case of an assassin or any other unexpected twist and 2) she is always in perfect dreamy lighting <3

the dress she’s wearing is this floofy sleeveless ball gown with a dozen or more sheer skirts layered over top of each other and a looser (to accommodate for the armor beneath) yet fitted bodice that’s embroidered with celestial and floral patterns in subtle gold thread ... cream at first glance but within the skirts are shades of very pale gold and sky blue and even a little warm rose and when the layers move against each other as she walks or dances, the colors subtly change… its most noticeable when she twirls on the dance floor… but the iron bull was carrying the gauntlets around for her <3

[ifellinlovewithpersona]

I FINISHED SMT IVA BITCHES!

Damm how it's possible that everytime Atlus makes duology it's literally a masterpiece? Like dammm this duology is definite my fav mainline SMT like how could this make game this good dammmn

I finshed the game with Bonds ending and I admit cried a little haha. Happy to see everyone get the peace they deserved

Controversial AF take but I think I liked Apocalypse the same as OG SMT IV, if not more in some aspects. Yeah, it kinda felt like Persona of SMT but actually? I personally liked it. Like this and DDS dulology are proofs you can make darker game with decent character development (loved, loved the character's development in this game, yeah there were some moments that was...questionable but I believe all Atlus games have them lol). I had so many thoughts about those characters and this game and even though killing god using power of friendship is more of Persona's domain, I liked that change of pace - like it was interesting for me.

Honestly, the fact Atlus seems to forget about IV duology is a crime to me, like if those two games got ported they would be such a huge success and now with citra being nuked, 3ds shop closed and only way to play is either have old version of emu from like your friends that had citra installed or bought 3ds and hack it (oh, btw I did exactly that recently but still finished the game on emu because I had so far in the game I didnt wanted to replay 80% of the game just on og hardware but I'll plan to do it in the future!) the both games are on the way to become lost media if Atlus won't port/remake them ASAP and honestly the thought of that makes me even sadder :( I only hope the fact they made Dagda model in 3D for SMT V:V is some hint they are working on Reload-like remaster of SMT IV and IVA...i mean girl can dream, right? 😭

Anyways coming back to the game... Final boss was traumatic experience lmaooo. It took me 3 days and like idk 8 trials AT LEAST to beat him lol but in last lucky run I managed to keep both team alive to the very end so that was pretty cool and also managed to beat him without having to lower difficulty (beat whole game on normal) so I'm quite proud of myself now hahaha

But I'm lowkey traumatized lol, I need a long deserved break from SMT but I'm gonna play Reload now and I'm super excited for that (I SO cannot wait to see the king Minato Arisato once again, I love him also Nyx will feel now like a walk in the park after yhvh hahaha) as I awaited this game for so long so yeah, coming back to my Persona phase now hahaha. But yeah that would mean I beat all mainline neoSMT games and only classic (and SMT V:V when it will come out) would left for me and I think I'll try the SMT I and II one day to complete the mainline series just like I did with Persona

Anyways, I need some rest now haha, but yeah 10/10 duology, the characters will live rent-free in my mind for very long time (i apologize of smt iv/iva content spam in advance hahaha), will definitely come back to it again one day

[whumpitisthen]

here's a quick rundown on astarion: gay vampire spawn (not a vampire. like a demo version vampire. a "lesser" one but don't let him hear that) who has been kept for 200 years by his master as a slave. guy (who was an actual vampire) carved him up, tortured him and forced him to lure victims into his manor. astarion has been abused in so many ways i'd hit some sort of character limit if i listed half of them. he was only allowed to feet on rats and small vermin in the sewers. poor little meow meow astarion is now free due to [game story] reasons and seeks power and revenge -- he's an edgy fuck with a lot of swag and no moral compass. bro is a menace and loves causing problems on purpose. [slight spoiler] he will literally try to suck some of your blood like a day or two after you meet him and unless you succeed a skill check he'll just keep doing it until you die. if you resurrect yourself afterwards he'll go like "ooooh ooopsie sowwy! i wouldn't kill you if i knew you'll be back teehee can we forget about this? ;) <3 don't fucking kill me". he's such a good fucking whumpee you don't even know. it's insane. i don't want to ramble but he's almost everything i've ever wanted from a character like this in a large scale rpg. [slightly bigger spoiler] despite being the go-to "fuckable" character who everyone finds hot as hell (both in-universe and online) he's HORRIBLY traumatized by his sexual experiences from when he used to be a slave and when you romance him a good portion of his storyline revolves around trying to make him realize that he's more than just a slab of very attractive meat. he hides his feelings behind a facade of "evil tumblr sexyman-esque" mannierisms and getting to finally peel it back and see him for the poor wet cat that he is is so fucking satisfying. [an even bigger spoiler] i loved watching him cry when he finally gets to confront his former master. pristine content. there's so much more to his character (and this game in general) but if you ever need to justify spending full price on a new videogame release, there's nothing better than bg3. if i could choose one game to beam directly into the brain of each whumpblr user, it'd be this one.

Okay so i already loved him from the very little information i had about him, but this is so delicious

I saw some pics of bad scars which are always hhh and heard that he is a whumpee but i didn't know the extent and now i think ive collected a new blorbo

You are telling me he meets his old master at some point...... and he cries..... and hes all sad....... he rly was made for tumblr but especially me youre telling me he has white hair and is a vampire twink who was a slave and hurt and traumatised and he has incredible sad wet cat energy and he only has a flimsy layer of confidence and absolutely no idea what morals are. i knew i needed to know more you have to understand my knowledge of the game stopped at the bear sex scene like that is it and yet i somehow always find the most pathetic little men no matter what in any media i could not give a shit about any of the rest i will consume the entire thing just to know the exact extent of his sad little life

Also i wish i had the opportunity to even consider buying a full price new release no matter how good the game is there is no world in which id be able to pay for that. Also idk about the gameplay either it seems very story oriented roleplay and almost dating sim-ish? Not a huge fan of those in general its gotta have more gameplay than walking around and basically watching a movie, but, again. No idea about anything, maybe it has incredible gameplay and i just dont know. Dont tell me if it does itll just make ms sadder bc that would absolutely make me wanna play it myself. Its kinda funny honestly the longer i spend not knowing anything the crazier everyone seems to me both online and irl. Its like im living in a separate world, i know no one who hasn't played this fucking game fjfhskhfd

[thespoliarium]

rating every song in lara fabian's mademoiselle zhivago because i have nothing else to do

my favorite lara fabian album fr. i usually dont listen to albums released after i was born but if i had to save one album it would be mademoiselle zhivago.

onto the ratings!

really solid opener. i wanna walk in slow motion to this song while reclaiming my life. i based my twt handle from this title (vivinexistepas... here is your chance)

seggsy,,,,, lemme tango all by myself

i cried. well duh the title means cry. THIS WAS PART OF MY WIP OF COURSE I WILL CRY anyways this was the first song ive listened from this album bc i remembered the music video a long time ago and it broke my heart,,, lara i will protect you </3

i just love the fact that the title is english, but includes russian, and the lyrics are french. its kinda nice i love the violin part

RAAAHHHHHHH I GO CRAZY LISTENING TO THIS SONG this is 1/2 basis of my url also it sounds so powerful!!!!!

ngl i wasnt fond of this track at first but i slowly learned to love it. also i love the part where she was adlibbing nearing the end of the song.... also this gives me nostalgia despite not listening to it before

stop this made me cry number 2!!! also this is such an amazing lullaby and i love the fact that its for her daughter. but the music video for this is so devastating and thus learning about lara's ancestry makes me even sadder

i wasnt quite fond of it at first but i slowly love it. i love how it kinda feels hiphopish but not losing its magic. also 1/2 basis of my url

this song gives me 2 moods as i listen to it. either i get horny or i writhe in agony. its mostly the second one bc i see this as a ballet sequence

russian song real!!! apparently this was a cover but she did it so well. not yet fond of it, but its growing on me

(part 2 shit wait!!)

[lilacponds]

just me bein a sad bitch about old memories

i was thinking like “man ive always had my significant other as my phone screen when in a relationship but they didnt :(”

and then i remembered that one of them did, and i got even sadder for some reason? it used to be these halloween versions of us made in a doll maker, rly cool and i was happy to be on their phone bg but. idk. it kind of makes me sad that ive never been in the bg of someone i loved?

and now im rehashing the sad bitch mood from earlier!! cause i was thinking about how i always saved each and every selfie my partners sent me, kept albums on my phone of them. i keep thinking about all the times i stayed up and saw the sunset just for them. i keep thinking about memorizing the little details. i keep thinking about all the patience and the time and the space i’ve given. i keep thinking how i was happy to cut little pieces of myself to fit in their hearts better (and this was not their fault, by the way! i did this all by myself, and told them i was okay, because i wanted to fit. i desperately wanted to fit.)

ah, i keep thinking. i keep thinking how i’ve always given my heart, the whole of it. i’ve invested the whole of myself. i’ve loved so deep and so hard.

and, i dunno. maybe it’s that it wasn’t enough. maybe it’s that i haven’t been loved the same way back.

i wrote something, once.

“im the kind of person that will bargain with time keep some hours in the morning to lose them in the afternoon i yawn and stretch and make some tea i keep awake. i lost count of the sunrises ive lived through although my attention was elsewhere on people that caught my attention more than the sight. i gave up sleep to steal moments with loved ones – i cannot count the people that have done the same for me there are none. i suppose im not more distracting than the dawn.”

i think about that line a lot.

i suppose im not more distracting than the dawn.

[somehelplesssoul-ithink]

For No Reason(ok)

a part of me felt like writing about my feelings was a good idea but its not.. im just sad and theres no way of explaining that 

i miss him

i was so good with him

and he will NEVER want me back..

not like this at least lol

im addicted to drugs, alone, and no family. I would leave me too

theres not a day i dont think about him and it sucks. Ive only gotten so much worse since hes left and i can see it. Its weird i can see things from an outside view like yes im addicted to drugs now, way sadder, a lost soul but i cant stop myself. He made me better.. its been 8 months and hes with the girl i found him with what i would do to eventually start again. I would do everything right, everything.. 

even tho being with him for 4 years and seeing all my snap memories thought out the years, i still miss him. and the memories were.. well... my crying.. a lot. I knew from the beginning he would leave me. He was way to good for me. though all the cheating and watching him fuck a girl in my bed on my birthday i STILL forgave him. and i still love him. I will never stop. God help me get over this please i cant continue on the way i have been. 

[kitnaksstuff]

i dreamt of ani the other night. it was weird, as dreams tend to be I suppose. i cant really remember what happened before that point but my dream-self walked into a restaurant (an odd mix of two of the 'bars' around uni) and i saw him at a table and i stopped. i dont think ive ever had a lucid dream before but this was the closest i got because i saw him and fear gripped my heart. i knew he was dead. or he was supposed to be dead. but my mind was so desperate to hold on to this, to seeing him for the first time in months, that i was convincing myself that this is just a memory of some kind. then he ate some chips that were at the table and i knew that it wasnt a memory - ani hated snacks for some reason.

it was strange because then i looked at him, sitting next to me, alive, and i thought "oh this is what it means when they say someone is doomed from the start". because even in this dream i saw him and i thought ah he will die soon but not yet. he hasnt yet. and it killed me when i woke up because i hated that i even briefly thought of him like that. but its been a day and i think i mightve been right. anish was sadder for longer than he knew me. theres probably nothing i couldve done to actually change that, and god knows i tried. but in this dream, the knowledge of his death just made me want to make him laugh again.

[dontpunchdogs]

thoughts for today ! under a read more bcos it got long. yelling into the void.

ive always been hard to deal with - too sensitive to sounds, lights, temperature, texture, easily hurt by words, easily overwhelmed by other people, easily feeling left out among friends, too annoying, too loud but too quiet, needing too much reassurance, needing to feel wanted, needing needing needing. ive known this a long time. ive heard it from my parents countless times, had friends say they only hung around me out of pity, had partners say i was the most supportive partner theyd ever had; yet i need too much, my feelings are too confusing or too hard to consider, "i knew youd be upset but i didnt want to tell you and make you more upset" again and again and again.

no matter how small i tried to be, how light of a burden i made myself, its really never enough. i dont get what i need, my patience is worn thinner and thinner, and "suddenly" i snap. "suddenly" i disappear. as though there werent signs. as though i hadnt been begging for someone to care. as though i havent put others feelings and comfort above my own for years, been intentional, been thoughtful, been honest (in fairness, honest about everything besides the extent to which id been hurt) and made it clear how i love and how i want my efforts to be reciprocated.

i'm tired of it. i always thought i shouldnt live if nobody cared about me enough to pick me first. thats all ive ever wanted, really. someone to walk in a room full of people they care for and choose me out of everyone. someone who id choose over anything, even my own comfort when reasonable, and to know they'd do the same. just one person, and then i can handle everyone else letting me down, just one person, please, just one, one person, please, for once, just once.

i always find myself so fucking disappointed. maybe my standards are too high - the fact no one can meet me there makes me sad, but the idea of lowering my standards made me sadder. i can take disappointment, a lot of it, and i don't expect perfection. sometimes you cant give even 50% of your energy. sometimes you need to pick someone else. sometimes you need to pick a friend over a partner, or yourself over anyone else. but i cant handle the degree to which people constantly ignore my needs, or disregard them to indulge their wants.

im trying to rewire my brain now! im going to live, whether someone picks me or not. im going to care for others as much as i can, as hard as i can, but im going to limit those who disturb my peace. im going to put myself first, often as i can, or at least as often as id put others. i know what i need, and id do it for someone else - why not do it for me? why continue trying for people who cant be assed? why continue trying when im just difficult and draining?

today i had an overstimulating day at work. i still went to the grocery store, as id planned, because i needed to. when i drove home, i felt like id have a meltdown. instead i made myself laugh by seeing just how many bags i could carry at once. something stupid and simple, but i felt like i was good company. i put everything away. i made my lunch for tomorrow. i tried a new tea that i picked out and actually finally found one i liked. i ran a hot bubble bath. i washed my hair, my back, my body as though i was someone i loved. and i felt loved.

it was really nice. im holding onto that joy.

ive realized just how much pain other people tend to put me through. why, then, should i hinge my right to my life on my relationship with others?

im going to live. fuck anything else. fuck everybody whos ever made me feel like a fucking burden. if its soooo hard dealing with me, imagine fucking being me. i deserve so much better.

[alonelymidwestdreamer]

fuckin peachy

———

i really thought i could do it

i dont know why

well, no

fuck that

i do know why

i thought i could get my shit together, finally, because people are supporting me

because im not keeping myself in a shitty relationship

because im forcing myself to sit with just myself and learn to be ok with that

because im trying to be a good person

because i was making fucking progress

i was taking steps

someone, maybe everyone, is gonna say that progress isnt linear

but have you ever been forced off road after just getting off a detour, just getting used to a nice straight highway

it doesnt still feel like progress

in fact, it feels like why not take another drink, why not feel good instead of crying over a cancellation

it feels like why not pick that pocket knife back up, why not take a hammer to your knuckles till theyre all purple

why not see if that one girl you ruined ur life for over and over finally has u unblocked

it doesnt feel like progress

it feels like derailment

im losing my fucking mind

ive been watching this show

its sadder than hell but i can’t stop watching it

it reminds me of that girl who i, yk, ruined my life over

she was a pisces

it reminds me of her because it reminds me of all the trauma she sat through with me

it reminds me of being homeless and of my parents fights and my fights with my parents and just

everything

it reminds me of things i buried pretty damn deep

this show triggers the fuck out of me

i cant sit with myself reliving this shit, but she sat through all that with me as it happened

she was the only constant in my life for so many years

but me wanting to get better was the breaking point

that was the line

we used to scream at each other

shed trigger me on purpose when i made her mad

how fucked up is that

but when i wanted to fix myself, when i wanted to create a life that could hold her and i both in it without all the fucking anger

that was that

she still has me blocked

i havent told almost anyone, although now youll all know, but i made a new account, just to try to talk to her

when someones in ur life for so long and so deeply it just feels wrong when they leave

or maybe thats just me

i hadnt talked to her in like two years?

i just wanted to know what her life looks like now

she did not believe that

and shes still mad at me

ig i never realized she ruined her life over me too

when i asked how she was she said “what are you drunk or something?”

i really thought i could do it, i thought i could be ok

i just wanna get drunk

all the time

i wish i was drunk when i messaged her

i wish she was right

i wished a little too hard ig cuz i did start drinking again

i keep pretending its not all i think about

its not that serious, cant be

if it was that serious someone would notice right?

being drunk doesnt even feel great anymore

but if im gonna fuck up by just existing, at least i get an excuse if im shitfaced

i tried so hard

i mean im still trying

but every day i get closer to doing it again and again and again

isnt that embarrassing?

i dont like it, i dont want to

i just also dont like me very much

and who would even care

no one noticed the first time until i told them, i think honestly everyone preferred me buzzed all the time until they knew thats what it was

no one knew i was overdosing in bledsoes room either tho

sitting behind keleah in college algebra trig

the room spinning so violently i thought i was dying

i guess i was dying technically

after, i sat in the rose garden with someone and tried to breathe

i walked my siblings home

i thought i was gonna die

no one even knew

i went home and threw up four or five times

i threw up so much i thought i was gonna suffocate cuz i couldnt catch a breath

my mom didnt even ask why i threw up

so at least its just drinking again

and its not as frequent anyways

fuck i really was doing so good

i swear i was

[eoieopda]

i kinda need help, im sorry, ive been going crazy because i have absolutely nothing against miss jennie, im not exactly a bp fan, i tried but i realized its not entirely my taste, although lovesick girls is my anthem, and tae is not even my bias, but ever since everything happened ive been feeling so bad, but not in a delulu i want to marry him way, im just having trouble facing it? and its fucking ridiculous, i know! im so tired basically i dont make sense, i know they have personal lives and its none of my business and yes i want them to be happy, to be ok and feel safe and everything, i really dont know whats wrong with me anymore, im so tired, i was watching her vlogs and im like YEAH i love her, shes so darn cute shes nice, why am i suffering so much? what the fuck? i see people talking really mean shit about both of them and im offended too, but the moment i think about the whole thing it makes me feel sick, it feels weird, jealous, envy, but why? what can i do to stop? it pains me to think im this kind of army that i even thought im gonna have to step back and regain conscience bc i cant allow myself to be this stupid and pathetic, but that makes me sadder to quit on them, i cant really do it without officially going insane

i was already going through some stuff myself before this so i think that didn't help, but one more weird thing is that i truly believe if it was another member going through this i wouldnt be like this, so why them? i dont get it, why i am being so stupid !?

and im doubting so much about sending this because in know how crazy i sound and i know the answer should be a punch but maybe thats what i need so its ok somebody stop me

i don’t think i’m qualified to weigh in on your feelings here, but i don’t think punching/being punched is ever the *answer! maybe you could go for a walk and get yourself a lil treat instead? few things in life aren’t made at least the tiniest bit better by getting a coffee and walking around ✨

*punching n4zis is always an acceptable answer, but you know what i mean, lol.

[lesbianchikorita]

[ID: a digital painting of Omniscient Reader characters against a dark purple night sky. Oldest Dream, wearing a school uniform with a bandage on his face, kneels at the bottom of the frame. He reaches upward with both hands and gazes in awe at a glowing star just within reach. A shadow of Kim Dokja stands behind him, blankly staring down as he holds Unbreakable Faith in front of him. He is void of color other than the glow of his sword and a deep red outline. His wings and horns are silhouetted behind him in bright red, mimicking the shape of Oldest Dream’s outstretched hands. /end ID]

「It has always been ‘once’ for me」

[cheriesjubiles]

i wish i could write good <3

[pop-punklouis]

-

[strangerrecyclables]

:(

[ghostlysenses]

The Grave in the Shack.

Hi how are you? I just had an idea for an sbi fanfic so imagine like the reader is dying and they say “the last time you held me like this was when I was a kid” while they laugh it off. I know it doesn’t make much sense but I tried- hope you are having a good day/afternoon/night make sure to drink water and eat something :) 🏃‍♀️

Im good!!! how r u? and also i love this!

Mmmm might make this sadder c: but with a happy kind of ending

cried while making this

TW: cussing, death, blood, long

SBI x younger! reader!

Requested by @imkindalostrn

You always ate breakfast with your family.

Wilbur would sit on your left, Techno on your right, and Tommy and dad in front of you.

You were the youngest in the family

so naturally they were all very protective of you and would kill anyone who literally breathed wrong near you.

After breakfast you and Tommy went outside to play in the snowy tundra

You and tommy built snow castles

made snow angles

and had amazing snowball fights

Wilbur watched from the window

Techno watched from the porch

and Philza was relaxing in the living room

“Y/N! come look!”

you raced to tommy as he pointed at the ice, you could see some fish swimming around

you looked in awe

you and Tommy spent so much time together, you two were inseparable

If only he didn’t allow you separate from him that day...

After looking at the fishes, Tommy wanted to play a game of ball, you guys like to play soccer, even when its cold.

You and Tommy had a fun few rounds, him barely beating you.

At some point though

Tommy kicked the ball in the forest on accident

“Ill go get it y/-“

“Ive got it!”

you started running before he could even finish.

he laughed a bit and let you go get the ball

but when you didn’t come back after 2 minutes he.. he got kinda scared

He walked into the forest, and after about 5 minutes he found you

Bloody

crying

claw marks on your stomach

laying on the ground

breathing

but slowly

he immediately got out his communicator

he messaged

“hlp y/n hurtget here ASAP” (yes just like that)

with the cords

As soon as everyone looked at their communicator they were up.

Techno stood up and RAN like he was the flash

dodging everything that was in his way like it was nothing

mans used his trident to VOULT himself over things

the voices were screaming “Help them! Kill whomever hurt them, we need them, we love them to much to let them die” and over his voices were his own thoughts

“They can’t die, they dont know how much they mean to me, if they dont live, i dont know what ill do with myself”

As soon as techno got up Wilbur did too.

HE FUCKING JUMPED OUT OF HIS WINDOW

AND ONTO THE ROOF

THEN OFF THE FUCKING ROOF AND ONTO THE GROUND

(its safe dw its not to high up)

MAN SPRINTED TO THE LOCATION

he was crying

“please be okay, please be okay” was all that we was thinking

Wilbur knows how much you must be panicking right now... and he wants nothing more than to be there and tell you its okay

Once Techno started running was when Philza stood up, mans ran so hard out the front door he TRIPPED.

He got up and opened his wings to fly to you

every memory of you flashing in his head

from you laying on his chest as baby, sleeping blissfully as he watched you with adoration

to yesterday when you were hitting Wilbur with a spoon

“My baby...” was all that he was thinking

When they finally arrived they saw Tommy trying to stop the bleeding but it was to much.

Techno used a healing potion but you had already lost so much blood

Wilbur could see you were crying, that there was still some fear in your eyes no matter how calm you looked, he grabbed your hand right away... trying to comfort you.

Then there was philza, he was cradling you like someone would a baby.

He was crying

everyone knew at that moment

there was no saving you.

You looked at your brothers and smiled, then stared up at your dad.

“the last time you held me like this I was a baby!” you laughed a bit, blood spitting up.

You smiled at him

“I love you...all of you... my family...”

You closed your eyes, a smile on your face...

that was the last time they heard your voice.

Philza held your corpse closer to him, sobbing harshly... “My baby....my little angel...please..”

His world came crashing down on him, the worst thing that can ever happen to a parent is the loss of their child.

Techno’s breathing hitched.

He remembers when you were just a baby.

You were a small fragile thing and he swore to be there for you.

The small little runt that sat as his feet while he braided their hair

was now gone...

Wilbur was in complete shock.

His mind couldn’t comprehend anything that just happened.

His baby sibling who he would make lullaby’s for was suddenly gone.

This is a reason why he would go insane in pogtopia later.

Tommy

Tommy blamed himself for ages

Maybe if he didnt kick that ball

maybe if he went to grab it

maybe...

He misses you

You were the only person who understood him and was on his side.

He doesnt know what to do without you.

You were buried near the house.

Philza made a small clearing near the house

He built a small shack around it with a fire place and lanterns, it was homely.

“To keep their spirit warm forever” thats what he said when he was questioned why it was there.

Nobody in the family ever provided context of how you died.

They only said cryptic things like

“they’re in the shack, like always”

“We/I love them”

“We/I visit them a lot”

“We/I bring them gifts on holidays”

“They liked the snow”

etc

they actually did spend holidays in that small shack, when asked why theyd always say

“Holidays are for the family”

they would still get you gifts too

before wilbur blew up l’manberg he visited you

“I love you very much... ill see you soon”

After that

ghostbur would ask around for you

once he figured out, he remembered what happened and would once again return to being cryptic abt it.

he visited a lot and would also join in during hoildays

Philza left for L’manburg at some point

he still visited you as much as he could though

even after killing wilbur

He still went to holiday gatherings

but when he was on house arrest he was pissed

he wanted to see you

and everytime he begged to be out and asked why he would just say “please! they need me! they need me..”

They wouldn’t let him out

but when he would sneak out he visited you

Fundy knew why he wanted to leave, hell he’s been to the shack himself when he was younger

he heard many stories about you...

and he felt bad for not letting philza visit you.

When the butcher army came to techno and saw the shack

they all walked in, thinking it was a storage area

but when the were met with a grave with unopened gifts around it from many years and even ones to this year... they were...

saddened...

they didnt know what happened to you but your grave brought them to tears

‘Y/N M/N Minecraft

An amazing family member,

Singer and piano player

Dueling fighter and story listener

Sibling and explorer

Child and angel

We love you and miss you

never stop brighting the world up

with your smile’

they wiped their tears though and went to techno.

but before they brought him to l’manburg

Quackity looked at tubbo and the shack

he nodded

Tubbo lead Techno to the shack and said

“For one last goodbye..”

Techno walked in...

“I promise you ill be safe..for you, i love you”

he kept his promise and returned safely to show you.

When Tommy was exiled and ran away to techno he visited you and would even sleep in the shack sometimes.

He missed you a lot.

he played chirp for you and he promised he would one day play mellohi and cat for you again one day

he knew how much you loved them.

He would always visit for holidays but never regularly

but after he got his discs back

he kept his promise and played them for you.

They loved you

and promised they would do anything it takes to get you back.

You mean a lot to this world and them

and when Tommy came to them (Philza, techno, Ghostbur) telling them that dream has a revive book and they need to get you back.

they were ecstatic and couldn’t agree more