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#ive never wanted something so badly in my life
onestrangenovelist · 1 year
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going to d*e without that spinoff i fear
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beautifel · 8 months
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i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am
#ask 2 tag idk what to tag this but its negative. idk if i’m hormonal or whatever. it’s just that i’m so extremely emotional lately#like i always havebeen but it’s insane lately and i know some of the reasons but i have no idea what to do abt it. which is bad#i wish i knew how to confront …it all. im so avoidant it is genuinely pathetic#and even if i wanted to confront anything iwouldnt know how… n how to tell ppl around me#the pains ive taken to ignore my issues over the yrs n by that i mean suppress the knowledge that they even exist Lmao it is so pathetic#let alone the pains ive taken to hide from other ppl that which im suppressing. and to hide how badly i cope with anything#like any problem at all not just things that have anything to do with The Thing#i finally told my girlfriend about something i never thought id ever say out loud to anyone n it was so hard#the whole convo was so hard bc shes dealing with so much too and shes been getting help for 3 yrs n i know#with her baggage of trauma a relationship is one of the hardest things#n ive never ever regretted our relationship but with the things we are both dealing wtih. or rather not dealing with in my case#it is so . hard.. and i feel like ive been so unfair bc i havent been getting help even tho i need it. and she has.#the sheer irony of me refusing to get help or even admit 2 myself i need it even tho im literally about to be the person who helps others#this cannot go on lmao. the only thing im sure about is that i wanna spend my life with her but with everything tht we have on our plate#its so.. unsure i feel so powerless . i cannot change the past i cant change either of our previous experiences#its so unfair how we risk losing the best thing that ever happened bc of things out of our control#ive genuinely never been more scared of anything than i am of the idea of losing this relationship#we had such a deep conversation today and it was necessary and good but god we’re fucked up people#so i .contacted the uni psych today finally but im so fucking scared and idk what to even say when i get there#ive never until today said it out loud ive never even written it down anywhere
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mesothulass · 29 days
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caught up on the chaos protocol when i tell you i was SCREAMING
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arson-09 · 3 months
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save me fictional characters save me
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mne-bolno · 8 months
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#if anyone remembers a guy i mentioned yesterday in the tags of a post#well he was supposed to stay in my town for three more weeks to do army training#with my brother#and i could see him a few more times#but alas god forbid something good happens in my love life#everything was a misconception and he was supposed to return to his town#and he learnt that today#and he left#and at first he said maybe he could talk to some people he knows so he can come back#because him and my brother are really good friends now and they really wanted to be together#and a lot of people in this country use their connections in the army#but they can do nothing 😃#so I'll never see him again most probably#and idk i really shouldn't take it so badly#because ive only seen him two times#but he was so cute and nice and i really hoped for something i guess? at least to see him more times#my brother has an exit permit tomorrow and i could meet them??#and idk im so sad since the morning that i learnt abt it#i know im overreacting again#but I hadn't anyone or anything to look forward for so much time#and now i was excited#like yesterday#after we went for that coffee i was so happy and high almost like i had used drugs#and he was showing us his barber scissors because he's a barber and he said something like#i will show you the rest of them next week when we're out 😭#maybe he just said it as a figure of speech#but i like to think he was thinking of meeting me again next week#fuck im crying now#i just want something good and easy for once in my life#but i guess i ask for too much? who knows. but im tired and sad
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fruit-salad-ship · 2 years
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work dodging >_>
The idea of BOTW AU Peach and Grey being a terrifying force in a fight is all consuming today.
A regular blademaster will wield a windcleaver, a weapon that sure, Peach trained with but had no connection to, it was too big and bulky and left her wide open after an attack due to its length. She swapped it out for two shorter blades, lacking the ability to push enemies back with the embedded wind power, she focused more on the teleport skills her people had.
In a fight she'll feign around, flood the battlefield with smoke from poofing in and out of the way, and use that cover to get in real close, stab wildly for a few seconds, then poof away again.
The stone pillar ability was underutilized in her opinion, and she started to effectively weave it into her movement, using rocky spikes to launch herself at speed in a direction, to either gain power or height, depending on the situation. If you spot her coming, she will swiftly poof out of sight and catch you in your blindspot.
When surrounded, her stone pillar ability can be used to push back and deal damage, opening cracks in the earth around her, rock jutting out of them soon after to stab through enemies. The shaky ground gives her openings, and buys time.
should she have to front something up thats clearly highly defence orientated, she will pull the heavier blade from her back, still one handed in nature, but only because she's just that big. It is sluggish and risky, but the damage output may be enough to crack heavy armour or thick hide. her defences need work, she can forget to put her guard up out of sheer anger, and loses her cool if knocked about too much, letting rage seep in. Reckless attacks follow.
You compare this to Greys tactics of standing his ground and blocking well, it's very clear they make a perfect team, and trained to cover each others weaknesses. He keeps his cool and often can tough out a heavy hit without staggering.
His windcleaver was reforged into a sickle, long range, much like the one you see a reaper use. While he wishes he was more proficient with Yiga clan magic, his talents lie in weapons, his ability to wield just about anything with skill make his title of blademaster very accurate. Peach has limited weapons use in comparison, he's even proficient with a bow, an unusual trait for Yiga members.
His huge stature makes him hard to stun, and as a defensive mechanic, his use of Stone pillar acts as a guard when enemies get too close. Activating his teleport has less range than Peach but he has learnt to use it like she has thanks to her help training, appearing above enemies to hammer down with devastating damage.
Those two fighting is a real show, you start to realise why they were so high in the ranks.
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having Big Feelings in the tags. you neednt read them, but you should go drink water and stretch your eyes
#makin one of those posts thats all tags bc i need to just do emotions for a sec#98% of the time i fuckin love being aroace. i like how i exist in the world and our flags fucking baller#but wooo boy that 2% of the time (my current state)#nothin makes you stare into space despondently while crying silently like knowing therenothing *wrong* w you per se#but there something fundamental to your existence that means your emotional needs will very likely never be met the way you need them to be#my roommate whom i love with my whole entire soul has their partner over whom i also love with my whole entire soul#and its making me so agonizingly jealous bc i want what they have so badly it actually literaly fucking aches in my chest#i want the banter and the cuddling and the intimacy and the love. the goodnight phonecalls and the undeniable proof that i am loved just#as much as i love and that i am a peiority in someone else's life to the same degree that i prioritize them#but i know i dont get to have that because i cant do it the way almost anybody wants#i want to fall asleep next to someone but i dont want to date. i wont do it. it makes me so uncomfortable#but without performing romance theres almsot no chance ill get to have that kind of deeply intertwined life#and like. i love my friends dearly and deeply. i vall them the loves of my life bc they are#but even those relationships wont get to be like what i want so bad. they all have or want romance and i know how that works#it doesnt matter that they love me too because when you have a partner thats the priority. i get it. its fine.#i dont mind stepping back from my friends to give them room to build the lives they want.#i jusy want somone to want to build a life with *me*#dont mind me in just tired and sad and experiencing the agonies of being 22#theres a part of me that looks at all this and just says 'maybe someday' but ive been living off nothing bu 'someday' most of my life#and im dead fucking tired of it#idk man maybe im just mentally ill and have mommy issues who knows#anyway im going to bed now#if you know me irl and you read all this 1)this is NOT meant to imply youre doing something wrong. not your fault amatonormativity is this#2) ill be fine i just need to sleep and 3) i love you more than i know how to say and i always will no matter what shape our lives take
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1980ssunflower · 1 year
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aouhhh 🥺💖💙🥰
#ot3: ❤rhyme💛easy💙#tape entry circa 1980#ngl ive been feeling like a bit sad like... i just miss them sm hfdjks#i just wish so SO soso so badly that i could go home to them both back in the 80s#to be w the loves of my life but ALSO to have someone i can talk music to and we can just talk abt music for hours <33#i can just talk abt it to them and theyll completely understand and give their own thoughts abt whatever song/band/album im talking abt#and id love to hear them go on long insane rants abt their own favorite albums and for them to show me a new album they listened to#something theyd know i like cause we love the same music genres#fuck i just miss them so much... they understand me more than anyone and get along w me more than ANYONE#i couldnt even try to imagine a person who better suites me than them even if i tried to create the perfect person for me#they just ARE already the epitome of perfection for me like we were made to know and love eachother to get along so well to be inseparable#i love them... god i love them both so much just thinking about them always makes me cry#i almost never cry its only ever because of them that i cry...#i miss them so so fucking much i keep thinking about them throughout the day#just imagining me being w them to be able to kiss and hold them and show them just how much i love them both#actually today i was picturing them here w me which is something i never do#i just love and miss them... i feel lonely and just ah... idk i wish i could go off on an adventure w them rn#i want to escape the life im living rn and just run off on the road w them chasing after our dream of being rockstars#tbh id also just love to experience the train together and get to see all that crazy stuff yknow? would make good song writing material lol#idk i feel like i cant truly get into how much i truly love and miss them w/o sounding super depressed and pathetic tbh#so i keep holding myself back from really expressing how i feel abt them
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mrfoox · 1 year
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Hate the part of autism where it's uh... Am I in love with this person or are they just someone I find extremely interesting?
#miranda talking shit#I think this is why i end up thinking 9/10 times in nee friendships that i have a crush on the other#It can pass in a month or its a lingering thing and i can still never figure it out#Wish my feelings for others were less confusing. Or rather more concrete. Instead i just... Always think im down for anything they'd want#Or not. Aka I'd basically be down to date majority of my friends if i knew they wanted to. But otherwise i can be friends#And i feel like a weirdo for feeling that way? I havent really met anyone who have had the same feelings#So i feel creepy or like im alien. Really i think i just dont have such a big difference between romantic love and friendship#To me they are very overlapping and id probably never be together with someone i didnt love as a friend first...#I havent shared this with many bc i think they'll take jt as... Me secretly confessing to them or something. But its more like ...#Either way im actually happy and am just down for anything my loved ones want? I think theres only a few of my friends i dont feel#That way about. And those are all compatability things. Aka one is Giulio bc i know we'd tire each other out. Hes a genuine dog and im cat#Fabian probably bc I know he wants a family and want to be a dad badly and im ... On the fence at best#I mean Linnea and saga are obvious ones too but ive known them half my life and me and linnea are way too different energy wise#But those are... Basically my few exceptions i think? I cant say if i feel like this bc of my astisctic ass cant understand the difference#Or if its a mix between that and my weird sexuality or what but yeah. I dont... Think about kissing my friends or something but also if#A friend asked to date me I'd probably say yes. I already love my friends and genuinely find them all handsome/pretty... Biggest thing#That would stop me would be that i dont feel im enough for them bc i wouldn't have much to offer except love and support
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fabulouslygaybean · 2 years
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man. on one hand, it's kinda nice that my mom is so chill about a lot of shit that most parents probably would Not be chill with, but also like. i almost kind of wish she cared enough to not be so chill about it
#this makes no sense but idk how else to word it#like. i can go out and do stupid shit late at night with friends without her hounding me for updates on what im doing#i can ask if i can snag an edible from her and she usually says yes#she told me im allowed to drink whatever alcohol is in the fridge as long as i dont be an idiot about it#she plays along with the lies and stories i tell to teachers so i don't get in trouble for stupid shit#its. kind of nice i guess. but its also not#she lets me do all of this shit but she doesn't like. actually care about me in a way i thought moms were kind of supposed to.#i can't talk to her about anything heavier than petty annoying shit that happens at school#i listen to her issues without a single complaint and i offer her advice when she wants it but she freaks out and cries if i try and talk -#- about my own issues#she doesn't believe me when i talk abt how im basically positive ive got adhd and instead just gives me questionable shit to self medicate#don't get me wrong. it's kinda nice that she's so chill about a lot of shit. it certainly makes my life more fun#but it feels like that's the only way she shows she cares about me. she'll give me weed so i can self medicate for my issues but freaks -#- at the mention of therapy.#she lets me lie to teachers but never asks WHY i need to do it in the first place. i do it bc of grades. i need help and a lot of the -#- time i can only get help if i make up some sob story to justify why i didn't work on something over the weekend bc they don't know what -#- executive dysfunction is and how fucking badly it makes me struggle#its just. blegh.#idk. this is very rambly but i needed to get my thoughts out somehow.#anyways. im gonna go take a bath and hope my brain shuts up soon.
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pjackk · 6 months
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Extremley Urgent Action Needed
Hi everybody i hate to to it but im in a realy bad spot and ive been pretty much bummed out really badly lately and lots of people on here are actually being really bad to me constantly and telling me lots of mean shit all the time and im pretty much in a super bad spot because im mentally fucked up badly right now and the theres some some holidays and shit comign up and i dont give a fuck about heaven or hell cuz my life is fucked anyways and going to shit so i dont know how it could really get worst but i pretty much want to treat myself and practice self care by making the right choices for me and getting shit that i really want as a gift to myself since nobody else will ever get me free shit since im a societal freak and a piece of shit apparently and something i really want is a Cast Iron Money Man
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So the great part about the guinness Stout moneyman is that on top of making me enjoy my life for once in my fcking life if i had him it would teach me how to save my coins and put them in a safe place so they dotn keep falling down the drain because whenever im counting my pennies and other brown or shiny colored coins its always in the sink cuz thats the only place not filled to the brim with stupid shit i keep finding LOL i keep finding shit on the ground and in the trash and its often interesting as fuck shit like a stick that would be realy goood for turning into a weapon if needs to be if i was attacked from every angel a great way to fight them and a perfect advantage to have is to have the range advantage so if the thieves and other bandits were coming at me with knives and shit i would be able to bash them with my stick and maybe break there bodys while im at it and i could legaly say i killed them to defend my self and all my other shit so anyways theres tons of shit everywhere and since i just throw away my dishes when im done with them because they are way to dirty and beyond even the level to get it cleaned no more cuz shit is dried on there and wont come off if i make it wet i just gie up so that means theres never shit in my sink exept for the coins when im counting them but the big problem is i dont have a money man made out of cast iron to keep my coins safe so they fall down the drain and when i try to pop them up by dumping oil in the drain and using gargage disposal switch it just crunches them up and shoots fragments into my glasses and always breaks my glasses so i always have to get new glasses since they are always breakign whenever i lose my coins but the big problem is since i dont have my coins no more since they all get all torn up and shit its super hard to afford new glasses or food at all even though i dont technicaly have to eat its always fun to eat yummy shit so please consider to send me money to help muy shit as fuck mental get better and invest in my prosperity i promise u it will trickle down to u and u will benefit from my well being im actually working on a new CD right now with dope as fuck music but its realy really hard to be creative when i dont want to get out of bed because im always hung tf over from drinking a shit load of top notch gin a the pub all night and feeling super depresed basicaly my Guinenss beer Shaped money man would be a perfect way to solve my problems let me know if u want to help by clicking the beer above and giving me money to spend on my cast iron money man
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tears-of-boredom · 2 years
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Really wishing my water was vodka
#idk i wish i could go to school tomorrow tipsy..#i dont really know why. it just seems like itd make it easier..#my mom brought a pretty big bottle of some alcohol a while back from some girls cabin trip and she keeps it in the fridge..#i dont know shit about alcohol so i cant tell you what it is except that its clear..#i have hesitated twice now when ive seen it.. it really shows how much trust she has in us..#im not gonna take it but i still want to..#i hope that all kinds of alcohol taste like garbage because im worried for my health if i want it this badly now..#and i really hope it wont become a coffee situation where i never like it but still for some reason drink it..#i want my first alcohol to be in some rasberry bullshit drink so i will forever associate it with artificial rasberry taste.#and gag even at the thought of drinking more..#its just kinda sad everytime i pause in place. contemplating on whether or not to take one of the beer cans in the back of our fridge..#i mean. mom wont drink them and i dont want them to go to waste now do i..#i can control my urges if i want to. thankfully i still want to control that urge..#im just worried for when i have a really bad day and mom happens to be out of the house..#i dont want this.. i want something else.. i want a life where i feel like people are PC's.. thats a stupid way to describe it.#but other people truly do feel like NPC's to me..#they speak to me when i approach. otherwise they stick to their coded routine..#even the name yelling feels like i just achieved some invisible goal and now they do that..#the only reaction they have to being touched is when you shove them..#i hate this#i stood in the middle of our kitchen for 30 seconds doing visibly nothing because#i was contemplating on whether or not to ask my sister for a hug.. i didnt ask..#no one else just feels real but when im in school i cant just stare at people because they can actually notice it..#sorry i guess#i dont know if im supposed to be sorry about this. probably not..#venting
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Round 1 - Side B
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firestar art by @kudos-si-do
Propaganda below ⬇️
Kirei
He fucked up so many people's lives so badly in just one decade (not on purpose) that the universe put him in the summoning pool of all world influencing souls. He doesnt really have any special powers but he does serve as a vessel for rasputin at one point. He's the guy who says "people die when they are killed"
please please please there's literally a type moon character in the gif on the top of this form so it's typemoonphobic if none of them get in but it shouldn't be her it should be kirei bc he's 50x funnier & more iconic than jeanne. funny lil murder priest who's fucking THE gilgamesh (from the epic of) in the church basement and dies in a knife fight w a 17 year old whose dad he wanted to fuck back in '94 before realizing that he was actually kinda lame and he's been bitter abt it ever since. he has an orphan torture factory in his basement but he's also canonically good at being a priest. he's so funny you should def try his mapo tofu i swear it's totally safe for human consumption and not made with any california reapers. did i mention he's a deadbeat dad.
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Priest claims to be Pro Life to make Sakura Matou the most miserable girl on the planet, but he dies anyway.
bro became a catholic because he loves suffering
He’s a priest. Kind of. Not a very good priest obviously. There is something seriously wrong and fucked up with that man. It’s so entertaining.
he's gotta be one of the most insane catholic men ever with a very in-depth and interesting relationship with his religion and his relationship with god also he's the sexiest man ever to be conceptualized in the known universe and all of time
Will never forget the 40+ minute monologue in heavens feel being a thinly veiled metaphor for abortion
he wants to torment churchgoers and make them face their failures and suffering but all he ends up doing is motivate them to improve themselves. cringefail moment for him
he's absolutely insane. the coldhearted mercenary that barely reacts to anything is terrified of kirei. he's super fucked up. his ult in stay night is literally him channeling divine power into something called kyrie eleison. he's the vessel of rasputin (on account of being a priest with a huge....no i shant say) the biblical beast in grand order among other things. he gets drunk with and tops gilgamesh from the epic of gilgamesh in the church basement after gilgamesh from the epic of gilgamesh bats his eyes a little too hard at kirei in some of the horniest shot scenes ive ever seen. he also used to be a heretical "fixer" for the church, cleaning up scenes that would expose shit to the public. uhh what else. he holds cool swords between his fingers like a kid pretending to be wolverine but in my favorite route he just squares the hell up with the protagonist and they fight to the death outside planned parenthood
Firestar
Kitty jesus, he believes in starclan which is the kitty version of heaven/god and yea. All the warrior cats characters except those outside the clans or those that are atheist believe in the kitty heaven and would irl be bri-ish and christian as hell so. The authors are all older british christian women and so the way starclan is written is like undoubtedly that.
The main religion in the series is extremely catholic coded. Most clan cats believe in Starclan and the Dark Forest(or heaven and hell). There is a set of rule they must uphold and follow, where following them leads to heaven and breaking them leads to hell. Their religious leaders are sworn to celibacy, and the punishments that "code breakers"(or cats who break the rules) face are extremely similar to situations people with religious trauma have gone through.
OP notes: apparently converted to avoid getting his balls cut?? Idk. The discord yet wild for firestar so I had to include him because it's hilarious hehehe
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gigidragonbbxxx · 3 months
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regarding mental diet
discipline. consistency. THIS IS HOW YOU MANIFEST.
it is the discipline and consistency in acknowledging the things in your 3D that you want and ignoring the stuff that you do not identify with.
Yes Gigi, we know that why are you saying something EVERYONE says?
bc dear reader and loass community, i'm gonna say something that might be known but I don't see stated enough:
To be a master manifester, you break your old realities and create new ones - AND A LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE A HARD TIME GETTING ON THIS LEVEL BECAUSE THEY ARE UNWILLING TO LET GO OF HABITS THAT DO NOT SERVE THEM.
AKA = YOU MUST BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO BE DIFFERENT.
You hear me???
YOU MUST BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO BE DIFFERENT.
AND THIS IS WHAT MENTAL DIET IS: NOT GIVING IN TO EVERY TREND, EVERY LIL SONG, EVERY TV SHOW, ETC. IF IT DOES NOT HELP YOUR MIND BE SATURATED WITH BEING IN YOUR FAVOR.
I'll cite an example many of us go through: a friend who doesn't know the law and only wants to talk about how horrible men are. This friend is also addicted to complaining. What have so many loass practicing people have said? They've either 1) told that friend they don't want to talk about that stuff or 2) spent less time with that friend.
it's an experience so many in the community go through and many benefit from limiting their exposure to that type of person. because what is the point of spending time affirming lies like "life has to be hard" "life is unfair" "I always get treated like shit by men" "I'm never first choice" like EW!? guys, learn to get the ICK from this type of talk!!! there is no benefit from this energy.
YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO EXPOSE YOURSELF TO. SO STOP MINGLING WITH ENERGY THAT DOES NOT SERVE YOU. IF YOU HAVE TIME TO THINK BADLY, YOU HAVE TIME TO THINK POSITIVELY!!!
Be willing to WALK AWAY. Be willing to be the one to say "This is not for me" if a convo is full of limited beliefs. Be willing to not participate in trends like making tiktoks about self deprecating jokes or tweet about toxic things. Be willing to say "Oh i never say those things about myself."
Let me explain what prompted me to write this:
I saw THE CUTEST lil key chains or cases made by a small business. I love to reblog cute things on my main account on twt (not my loass burner) and tbh I've manifested getting some of those cute things by making a lil placebo that whatever I retweet is mine/fact.
The first case/keychain thing was "Tummy Ache Survivor" which I thought was hilarious as I have a lot of Virgo energy in my life but the second image showcased another that said something along the lines of "Daily Dose of Dumb Baby Juice".
Guys.
Please.
Does a master manifester drink dumb baby juice? Or is she the operant power full of knowledge and wisdom leading a fulfilling life?
Now, I'm not a limiting typa gal okay? You can totally be "baby". You can totally live a soft live. Be a baby. Hell, I love being baby in a relationship. What I'm saying is even seemingly "harmless" things like that phrase...you have to have discernment in what could be unfavorable influences in your life.
Again, Gigi isn't telling you how to live your life. If you wanna declare "fuck off Gigi! I'm a dumb baby AND I manifest!" go ahead. If you wanna declare "fuck off Gigi! I can consume ANY CONTENT I want and manifest!" GO AHEAD.
BUT LETS DISCUSS SOME OBSERVATIONS IVE MADE ABOUT THE BIGGEST LOA COACHES/ACCOUNTS WITH THE MOST SUCCESS:
all of them. 100% of them. are careful about what they expose themselves to/say about themselves.
BECAUSE DOMINANT BELIEFS ARE WHAT MANIFESTS. SO WHY WASTE TIME CONSUMING CONTENT THAT GOES AGAINST WHAT YOU WANT YOUR DOMINANT THOUGHT PATTERN TO BE? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!!!
and I get the resistance to cut off things you mightve enjoyed. But i said it before and I'll repeat it again.
YOU MUST BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO BE DIFFERENT.
things gigi had to cut off:
sad songs on daily playlists
reality tv glorifying toxicity in relationships
accounts on twt that leaned heavily on "men are trash" mindset
conversations that were self-deprecating
and more but those are a few examples.
and you know what I have more time to do now, reader?
I have more time to affirm, to listen to subs, to write on this blog.
Because Manifestion is a Lifestyle. It's not a quick fix bc the outcome depends on the SOLIDITY of your BELIEF to enact CHANGE on the 3D.
so pls don't drink dumb baby juice. drink pretty girl juice. drink intelligent master manifester juice. drink "in my favor" juice.
with laughs and love, xx, gigi
p.s. I do not believe that this is an excuse to remain ignorant about world events and news. I encourage you to remain informed, intelligent people who do not lack awareness and instead are fully immersed in the nuance of balancing high self-esteem and understanding the political climate.
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sugoi-and-spice · 9 days
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For the first time in his life, Tomura Shigaraki has full control of his quirk. With this newfound freedom, there is so much that he wants to do. And it just so happens that you are at the very top of that list.
Fandom: My Hero Academia
Pairing: Tomura Shigaraki x GN!Reader
Rating: Explicit - Minors DNI
Contains: GN!Pronouns, Smut, Soft Shigaraki, Penetrative Sex (Reader Receiving), Oral Sex (Reader Recieving), Pre-Paranormal Liberation War, Post-PLF Manga Spoilers tho, Established Relationship, Alcohol, Massage, League Shenanigans. (Honestly, no crazy CW's with this one lol. It's just fluff and smut and angst lol)
Notes: I tried to write something wholesome to try and heal our mourning Shig-simp hearts... It had mixed results lol.
AO3 Link
Like my work? Please consider commissioning me or contributing to my Ko-Fi!
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That seemed a little too easy.
It’s the first thought that crossed Shigaraki’s mind when he came to on the Doctor’s operating table. Don’t get him wrong, the time Ujiko had spent vivisecting him from finger to finger had been hell on earth, but it seemed to go by a little too quickly for four months. 
“That’s because it’s only been a week,” Ujiko explained as he approached Shigaraki with a paper cup of water — an absolutely pathetic offering considering the world of pain the man had just mercilessly put him through.
But Shigaraki took it anyway.
“Didn’t realize that there were going to be breaks,” he said before knocking back the cup in one gulp.
“Once we begin the transference of All for One, there won’t be,” Ujiko explained, “What I was working on this time, was completing your quirk.”
Shigaraki’s brows furrowed, “What do you mean?”
Ujiko chuckled, gesturing to the paper cup in the new leader’s hands, “Why don’t you try putting your pinky down?”
He shot the doctor a confused look, not sure what exactly that would accomplish other than sparing him a trip to the trash can. But upon Ujiko’s nod of reassurance, he looked back down at the cup, bringing his raised finger down on its crease experimentally.
Shigaraki’s eyes widened immediately.
The cup was still in his hand.
It didn’t turn to dust. Didn’t even crumble or sport a single crack. He touched it with all five fingers and yet it stood with as much integrity as the steel IV pole next to him. 
He snapped to the doctor, something unreadable in his voice, “Is… Is decay gone?”
“No, no of course not. I’d never purge you of such a powerful quirk,” Ujiko assured, “You just have control over it now.”
Shigaraki willed decay to activate, testing Ujiko’s explanation, and in an instant, the cup dissolved under his touch, just like he was used to. 
He stared at his hand in disbelief, the dust falling through his fingers. He couldn’t believe this…
“And it’s not just turning it on or off, all or nothing,” Ujiko continued, “You can stop the spread of decay at certain points, activate it with just one finger — you have full control.”
Shigaraki snapped to Ujiko, intensely. Desperate. Maybe he should’ve been doing a better job of maintaining his poker face like Sensei would’ve, to try and hide the way this was affecting him. But he just couldn’t. Not now. Not when something he’d longed for so badly, so primally was so close to his grasp.
“Are you sure?”
Ujiko didn’t seem to take notice of this lapse of control however. Or at least, he didn’t care. His bushy mustache just raised with a small smile and pride in his work.
“Quite sure.”
 Shigaraki’s eyes narrowed. He was not fucking around here, “ How sure?”
Ujiko’s smile shifted slightly, a challenging smirk pulling at the corners as he offered his own hand as fodder.
Shigaraki slapped his fingers fully atop the back of Daruma’s fat hand, letting the full extent of his anger and emotions drive him. He wanted to test this fully, test that even in fits of passion, he wouldn’t lose control.
And he didn’t.
Daruma Ujiko stood just as whole and living in front of him as the moments before. The only change was the chuckle of satisfaction that Shigaraki’s dumbfounded expression brought him.
“Pretty neat, huh?” Daruma said, turning back to start pulling out equipment for the next phase of experimentation, large hulking tubes and wires that looked more akin to HVAC parts than real medical equipment.
Neat wasn’t exactly the phrase Shigaraki would use. But he didn’t really care anymore. 
He had shit to do.
“Now, regarding the next steps in your transformation—”
The EKG machine behind him beeped loudly and suddenly, signaling that it had been disconnected. Ujiko turned back to Shigaraki curiously, watching as he pulled off the various electrode pads scattered across his chest and back.
“You don’t want to get started?”
“Tomorrow,” Shigaraki answered, ripping the IV from his wrist as he hopped off the table.
“But what about the power? Your dreams?” Ujiko pressed, something strained, irritated starting to form in his voice, “I would think that these are all things you’d want without delay.”
“I do. But achieving them one day later won’t kill me. And I have some shit to take care of before I grind for four months.”
Ujiko clicked his tongue, clearly unsatisfied with this new development. 
He knew exactly what Shigaraki had to go take care of. And he didn’t like it. Didn’t like you . He’d never liked you in fact. You asked too many questions. Had too many suspicions…
But Shigaraki didn’t care about the doctor’s disapproval, simply turned to him after slapping a bandage over his free-flowing wrist and commanded, “Warp me back to the villa.”
This clearly wasn’t up for discussion. Ujiko could’ve protested, sure, but at the end of the day it wouldn’t have mattered. Shigaraki wasn’t a kid anymore, far from it. He’d taken the mantle of true leader by force, and held his head high with the confidence that accomplishment deserved. If he wanted to do something, he was going to do it. The risk of upsetting the doctor or even his master was not a concern anymore. It barely ever had been.
So in the end Ujiko just sighed and turned to his obedient servant sitting patiently in the corner, “Johnny.”
Shigaraki didn’t so much as flinch as the warp came spewing out of his mouth. In fact, a rare sheen of childlike joy took over his features instead. Daruma noted this with a shaking head as he warped away. Oh well. If Shigaraki wanted one last night with his companions, with his little distraction , who was Ujiko to get in the way?
This was the last night he’d have control over his own body after all. Might as well let him enjoy it.
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“Robber!” you cheered victoriously, pumping your fist over the seven you rolled.
“Noooo, not again!!” Toga cried out.
You grabbed the little gray token off the board, twirling it around tauntingly as you hum, “Hmmm, and where should I put him? I wonder…”
Spinner glared at you from across the board, “If you put it on my wheat field one more time—”
“Great idea Spinner!” you mock-gasped, already well aware of where you were planning to put it, and slap the Robber down in the center of Spinner’s monopolized wheat hex. 
“Great move! Cheap shot! ” Twice, the last player of the group, piped in.
“ Damn it !” Spinner punched his fist down on the table, shaking the drinks surrounding the board precariously.
“Oi, oi careful there!” you said, grabbing your glass of wine protectively, “If you party foul, you lose a turn.”
Spinner just grumbled irritably, grabbing his own beer and knocking it back to try and quell some of his frustration. You giggled at the sight. It would be easy to assume that Shigaraki was the most competitive and aggressive game player out of the League, but he actually managed to keep his cool during sessions most of the time. No, it was undeniably Spinner that was the most uncontrollably competitive, and it never failed to make you smile.
Even as the thought of Shigaraki threatened your demeanor with a frown.
You shook out the thought, because of course, you had another certain player to focus on. And you turned to her pointedly.
“Alright Toga, half your hand, let’s go.”
She gasped, “Whaaaat? What are you talking about!? I only have six cards!”
“That’s because two of them are sticking out of your sweater.”
Toga looked down to her sleeve, where indeed the corners of two resource cards were poking out rebelliously.
She snapped back to Compress in offense, who sat on the couch behind her, observing the game amusedly with his own glass of wine in hand, “Atsuhiro! You said that trick would work!”
“I’m sorry my dear,” he shrugged his hands tragically, “But it seems your sleight of hand needs a bit more work.”
Toga groaned, pulling her cards out of her sleeve and looking over which ones she wanted to discard with a pout.
Crushing his finished beer in his hand, Spinner turned back to Dabi who sat across the room, as far from the game as possible, and pretending not to watch it all, like he wsn’t invested in a single thing in this room. Not at all.
“Oi Dabi, can you grab me a beer?”
“You’ve got legs, get it yourself.”
“But the fridge is right freaking next to you!” Spinner shouted, pointing at the minifridge that actually, was not only right next to Dabi, but that he was currently resting his feet on top of.
But Dabi was a son of a bitch. So rather than even giving him an answer, he just crossed his feet over the fridge, making himself more comfortable.
“God, seriously ?!”
Shigaraki watched this all from the doorway with a whisper of a smile on his face. He’d stopped by his bedroom at the villa to grab a button down and even considered grabbing a quick shower while he was at it before coming here — the griminess of a week of experimentation sticking to him thickly. But ultimately he’d been too eager to see his comrades.
Yet, once he got to the doorway that the familiar rowdy laughter of his League led him to, he couldn’t help but just stop and take in the moment. It was nice to see them all so comfortable and content after months of chaos and vagrancy. And it was a look that especially suited you.
While you’d never been particularly materialistic or image-obsessed (if your decision to be with him didn’t make that obvious), you certainly also weren’t one to turn down the finer things in life when offered. And clearly here, you’d been offered, given the cashmere sweater and expensive bottle of wine you were currently enjoying. The regular access to showers and brand name moisturizers and cosmetics certainly weren’t hurting you either. Your skin was clearer and more glowing than he’d seen in months. You’d even seemed to have some time to style your hair today.
And of course there was your laugh. That big, uninhibited laugh that you only let out when you were truly comfortable. In general you were a pretty pragmatic person. It’s one of the things he’d always appreciated about you, particularly when surrounded by this circus that he calls a villain group. 
You approached new situations skeptically and took most things seriously. It’s not like you had no sense of humor, quite the opposite actually. But you also were very aware that there was a time and place for everything. When the pressure was high, laughter was nowhere to be found. And it had certainly been nowhere to be found for a while now.
So it went without saying that seeing you like this now, laughing over a game board, cheeks tinged slightly-red from the wine, completely taken care of and without a care in the world…
It was quite the sight for sore eyes.
“Shigaraki?”
He blinked and looked back to Spinner who, in standing to go grab a beer from the fridge, had turned and spotted him in the doorway.
“Tomura!” Toga squealed excitedly, jumping up out of her seat with Twice to join Spinner in barraging him in the doorway.
“What’re you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be leveling up with the Doc?” Spinner asked.
“Got a night off,” he answered simply.
“That’s awesome boss! Who needs ya?! ”
He turned to look past the three as you approached behind them, much calmer than the others, as usual. But that didn’t mean you weren’t just as thrilled to have him here. The adoration in your eyes was clear from across the room and it warmed him up in a way that he’d learned to really enjoy.
“It’s good to see you,” you said, simple and sweet. There was clearly so much more behind those words, but you knew how Shigaraki felt about doing shit like that in front of people, so you kept it subtle.
Apparently the caution was unnecessary though, as Shigaraki seemed to have lost his own patience for pretense. Even if it made his next words the spark that set off a firework show of “ooo’s” and teasing from resident forever teenagers, Toga and Twice.
“Yeah…” he breathed, “...Can we talk? Alone?”
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It was all you could do to sit down on his bed when he told you.
“Full control?” you repeated in disbelief.
“Full control.”
You smiled, so genuinely, eyes starting to shine. You weren't even thinking about what this meant for the two of you yet, you were just happy for him, for the peace he could now live with. The burden that had eased.
“That… That’s amazing Tomura…”
Shigaraki stared down at you, a lump of nerves settling in his gut. He wasn’t affected by things like nerves or apprehension very much anymore — barely ever was in the first place, and especially not now that he had all the confidence and authority of a “Supreme Leader”. But he couldn’t keep those feelings from surfacing in that moment, couldn’t shake the image in his mind of things going terribly wrong. 
Of you crumbling into a pile of dust and viscera in front of him.
He swallowed down those fears though, and started to reach out a shaky hand, “Can… Can I…?”
Whatever apprehension he felt, you obviously didn’t share. You shot out a hand immediately, without hesitation. With complete trust in his word. In him.
His trembling palm pressed against your own firm one, fingers still raised taught and high on instinct, careful not to make contact. You slotted your fingers through his own, bringing them down to hold his hand with none of that same carefulness. His knee-jerk reaction was to scold you for being so reckless around his hands, just like he always did, but he held the words back, knowing he didn’t need to anymore. But the subconscious anxiety buzzing within him was just the same. 
You didn’t rush him either. Just gave him a squeeze of reassurance, and that was enough to finally encourage him to put a finger down. And then another. Tip by tip resting firmly and fully against your knuckles, until only his pinky remained raised.
He stared down at the horrid appendage, the one that had betrayed him so many times. That he could remember the horrible, gruesome ways in which it had destroyed in full, vivid detail now. Of the damage it could do to not only the world, but had done to his world. To Mon-chan, his mother, his sister…
The League was his world now — you were his world. And the idea of destroying that all with his own hands. It was too much. 
No, he decided, starting to pull away. This wasn’t fucking worth the risk.
But you leaned forward then, pressing your lips gently against his, locking him in place. You didn’t deepen it, nor did you pull away. You just held yourself against him, willing him to understand that this would all be okay. That he was a “Grand Commander” now, and with that came taking risks. Risks that you’d stand behind him through to the bitter end.
How you managed to communicate that all in just a kiss — how you always managed to communicate so much with so little — should’ve been a quirk of its own honestly. But regardless of how, the comfort of those unspoken words was enough to spur him forward. Shigaraki brought down his pinky.
And you didn’t turn to dust. 
You pulled away in fact, just a little, your eyes fluttering open as a soft, tearful smile spread across your face.
“Tomura—”
He surged forward, all of that hesitation and fear from before vanished in an instant. He shoved your hands together forward, pressing you to the bed as he kissed you with new fervor. His free hand came to hold your face, full and tight, all five fingers scrambling up the length of your cheek, your temple, tangling tight into your hair.
You sobbed happily into his mouth as he pulled his other hand free from yours, running it all across your body, disintegrating your clothes on contact, and then bringing those fingers back up the same route of bare skin, fully in control.
He was just as quick to decay his own clothes as you reached forward to try and tear at the top button of his shirt, which, while haphazardly done, was still too secure for either of your patience. He needed to feel you, all of you. Every inch against every pad of his fingers for the very first time.
And possibly even the last.
He didn’t want to think about that now though. He just wanted to shove you up higher onto the center of the bed, shoving your legs open wide as he kissed down the expanse of your chest and stomach. As he buried himself into your center, the pads of his fingers squeezing painfully tight into the pudge of your thighs.
But you didn’t mind the pain. Not only because it surged the pleasure just that much further, but because it grounded you. Reminded you that this was real. It promised a world — no matter how distant or near-impossible it was in reality — where Tomura Shigaraki could be whole and happy. 
Where he could fully be with you.
Your legs strained against his grip, instinctually trying to close as his working tongue pushed you closer and closer to climax. It wasn’t going to take you long at all to reach that peak. After all, the intensity and emotion of the moment aside, it had been a long while since your last coupling. The weeks of recovering from his fight with Re-Destro, the full month you all spent fighting Gigantomachia. And of course, even before that, with the close quarters and stress that came from living on the run and in complete squalor, your escapades had become pretty few and far between. (It was hard to get in the mood when you hadn’t eaten or showered properly in over a week).
So yeah, suffice it to say you were pretty touch-starved at this point, the work of your fingers on lonely nights at the villa having absolutely nothing on Shigaraki’s skillful tongue. And the voraciousness with which he assaulted your sex certainly wasn’t slowing things down for you either.
He didn’t even need to slip his long, knowing fingers into you to have you coming undone — he wouldn’t want to right now anyway, completely losing himself in the way your thighs felt squeezed between his fingers, but that feel of his nails digging into you spurred you on in their own way, ripping a cry from your throat as you came hard under his lips.
Shigaraki smirked up at you, wiping the excess slick from his chin with the meat of his palm, “Missed that.”
You smiled back at him, your own tinged with a bit of sadness as he climbed up over you, hands running up your ribcage. Because you didn’t just miss this. You missed him. And you knew that feeling wasn’t going to go away anytime soon. In fact, it was just getting started.
His brows furrowed at your expression. He’d always been good at reading you, and it’s not like you were being particularly subtle, “You good?”
You chased the melancholy from your smile quickly, planting a happy peck at the corner of his mouth before showing him teeth, “I’m great.”
He hummed, a gentleness overtaking his own features as he stared down at you. Adoration, pure and whole and unrestrained, particularly as he brought a hand back up to cup your face. His fingers spread across the expanse of your skin greedily, his thumb dipping down into your mouth. 
They were small gestures, little things that he seemed the most eager to do with his newly-attained range of touch. But it was obvious that they were huge to him. They were a freedom and a comfort that he’d been chasing his entire life. Even if he didn’t know it.
He groaned as you wrapped your own fingers around his cock, guiding him eagerly to your entrance. You had to. As much as he obviously wanted to fuck you, he couldn’t bare to take his fingers off of you for a second. He’d settle for fucking the plush of your thighs if it meant that he could hold you fully in his hands for just a second longer.
You, of course, were not so willing to settle.
“God—fuuck yes,” he growled, low in his throat, as he sank slowly into you, eternally grateful that for once your patience was even more lacking than his.
You grinned up at him`, shifting your hands to settle on the hard curves of his hips, “That’s good, huh?”
It was all he could do to nod shakily, lip biting back a breathy whine and brows knitting hard, as he tried desperately not to blow his load immediately.
You hummed happily at the sight, bringing one of your hands up to run across his cheek and through his hair. You remembered thinking a few months ago just how much those fights with Gigantomachia and Redestro had hardened him, aged him. Foolishly, it had even had you questioning briefly if this would be the end of your relationship. If maybe the shift that occurred during his awakening would chasm too big a valley for you two to bridge.
Of course, in the privacy of the League’s quarters, off of the stages and away from all the new adoring fans (bandwagoners, you and Spinner sometimes like to joke), he had been the same old Tomura Shigaraki, if not a little more confident and level-headed. He still complained about how everyone sitting on his bed eating dinner while he was on strict bed rest was too loud, still invested himself fully and kicking ass at every little game – from video games to cards – they challenged him to in order to pass the time with a cocky little smirk on his face.
And right now, with his face flushed and mouth agape with pleasure, he still looked just as young and ready to take on the world as the day you met him.
Finally he started to rock into you, slow and deep. One of his hands slipped down to the crux of your neck, fingertips biting tight into that smooth skin as he pulled you closer and closer into him. The other found a tight, desperate purchase on the handle of your hip. He used the grip of both to pump harder and deeper into you with every snapping thrust.
Minus the dry spell the two of you had endured over the last couple of months, you and Shigaraki had, overall, had a lot of sex over the last year that you’d known him.
Like, a lot of sex.
Rough sex, soft sex, angry, and fun. And while the man who claimed to hate everything would of course be remiss to admit it, there had indeed been quite a lot of genuine, intense lovemaking mixed in there too. But this right now, with all of the feelings and newness and longing that came with every stroke and whisper?
If Tomura Shigaraki was in fact capable of love, you were positive that this was the representation of that.
His lips dropped hot against the shell of your ear, peppering desperate bites and kisses along the skin as a string of breathy babble spilled out between.
“God fuck, you’re so perfect. Feel so good. Every part of you, so good. So fucking perfect…”
Overwhelmed with emotion and pleasure, it was all you could do to just mewl out his name, “Tomura, Tomura, Tomura—!”
His hips rolled against you with every hard buck, stimulating your aching sex in the way he knew you loved. That would have you clenching and spilling around him over and over again in the way that he loved. You weren’t even sure if it was intentional at this point, or if you had memorized each other’s bodies so well that it just became an instinctual part of his movement. You certainly didn’t have the forethought to drag your nails up the curve of his spine in the way that had him cursing and speeding up immediately.
“F-Fuck, I’m not gonna last like that—” he growled out, rutting desperately into you in spite of his own warning.
“G-Good,” you breathed back, rolling your hips right back into his, “Don’t.”
“B-But—”
He couldn’t get the rest of the words out, his mouth overtaken by a deliciously loud moan instead as he hit that deep, spongy spot inside of you that was heaven for the both of you. You got the message anyway.
But he wanted to keep fucking you. But he wanted this to last.
But he never wanted this to end.
You tangled your hand through his locks, reveling in the fact that there was so much more to hold now, and yanked his head back hard so he’d look at you.
“But nothing,” you smiled through hot, huffing breaths, “You’re fucking crazy if you think this is our only round.”
He stared at you in complete awe for a moment, hips almost coming to a stop as he took in this moment, took in you and the way that you always seemed to know what he was thinking and what he needed, even when he didn’t. 
Even if he hadn’t had his own dreams for the future, looking at you now, reveling in all that you’d been through together and all that you’d done for him, thinking about all that you deserved… If he could destroy this rotten society just so that you could have the freedom to be half as happy as you looked in this moment for the rest of your life, he’d gladly fucking do it.
Shigaraki’s face mirrored yours quickly after, a wide lascivious grin spreading across his face. It was all teeth and joy and feral desire to absolutely fucking wreck you. And let himself pound into you with the most reckless abandon he could muster.
You cried out at the new punishing pace, nails pushing hard into his skin, and heels locking sharp around his waist, spurred by the desperate need to have him pound into you harder, deeper, faster. Until you were completely coming apart around him, with his own violent release following close behind.
About two hours later, when you’re lying blissed out, sticky, and half-asleep on Shigaraki’s bare chest, he told you to roll over onto your stomach.
You groaned in protest — while your spirit was eager to roll around the sheets with him as much as possible before the sunrise, your body was sore and spent.
“Not for that,” he said, nudging your shoulder, “Just trust me.”
There was still some visible exasperation as you finally gave in, joints and back aching as you moved them before they were ready. You rolled over onto your stomach, dropping your cheek into the mountain of pillows that awaited you.
Shigaraki followed, moving his body over yours and straddling your hips. You were about to scold him for tricking you when, rather than grinding himself into the curve of your ass or thighs, he simply sat down on your butt and brought his hands to the base of your back. Then he started to knead and you knew exactly what he was doing.
Many a time during your months on the run did you take it upon yourself to try and alleviate some of his stress. Of course one of his favorite ways (and yours too) of doing so was to fuck each other’s brains out. But there were also many times when that wasn’t exactly an option. Whether because there were others around or because he was elbow deep in work for their next operation.
At times like those, when he was hunched over a shitty, half-dead laptop he’d manage to scrounge up from a dumpster, or held his fingers to the bridge of his nose, staring up at the ceiling as he tried to fight off an impending headache from the constant pressures of responsibility — you’d usually come up behind him and rub his neck. 
It wasn’t like you made a big show of it or anything. Most of the time you’d just reach a single hand over to him and start to stroke his neck without a word. Not expecting him to say or do anything, not even expecting a thank you. You just wanted to do whatever you could. When it was just the two of you around whatever sorry excuse for a base you’d managed to find, or when you’d been lucky enough to be settled in a safehouse with private rooms, you’d manage to talk him into laying down on his stomach, much like this, and work knots that he could’ve sworn had been there since birth, right out of his back. 
He never said anything about it, never thanked you nor told you to stop, but in retrospect he did realize that it was one of the few things that managed to bring him even a smidgeon of peace over those many stressful months, that actually got him through it all. Particularly in the fights against Gigantomachia, where, the second the beast was asleep, you’d insist he lay his head down in your lap while you rubbed softly at his temples, lulling him near instantly to do the same.
It truly meant the world to him, even if he’d never admit it. A deep, foolishly sentimental part of him always wished that he could return the favor. 
And now he could. 
Of course… That didn’t mean he was any good at it.
“Pinching, you’re pinching,” you winced as his thumbs pressed together, unoiled, on a patch of your back awkwardly.
“Oh shit,” he released his grip, settling to just rub his fingers up and down your back slowly, “Sorry…”
“It’s fine. You just can’t do it that hard if you don’t have any oil or lotion, you know?”
His brows furrowed, “You always did it that hard without any of that crap and it felt fine.
You smirked back at him playfully, “That’s because I’m really good.”
He shot you a look, completely unimpressed.
“I liked what you were doing before,” you conceded. 
This was clearly something he wanted to do, and who were you to complain or judge when he was being so unabashedly giving? 
“When you were using your palms. Just pressing and kneading with your whole hands rather than trying to do any pressure point stuff is really nice.”
“Yeah, okay…” he nodded, concentration settling over his features as he followed instructions.
You sighed, burying your face back into the pillows as he ran those hot, calloused hands purposefully up and down your back. 
This was nice. 
Again, while he wasn’t hurting you anymore, the massage itself wasn’t particularly skillful. It did put you at ease though, the way his smell and presence, the way those hands — even when you could never feel them fully against you — always managed to put you at ease.
After at least thirty minutes passed and Shigaraki showed no sign of stopping his ministrations, you peaked back up at him.
“You don’t have to keep this up you know.”
He snorted, “Yeah I know.” 
And you should’ve expected that response. Because of course he knew. He wasn’t doing this out of obligation or anything. Tomura Shigaraki didn’t do anything he didn’t want to after all.
You rolled your eyes, “I just mean that you must be tired after all that. Don’t you want to sleep?”
“I’m gonna be asleep for the next four months. I think I’ll be good missing one night.”
The message behind those words was clear. He only had so much time to spend with you, he wasn’t going to waste even a second of it with something as stupid as sleeping.
You should’ve been flattered by that. And of course you were. And truth be told, you had the same mindset as him. You had no plans to sleep that night either, even if he had. But the reminder of his fate for the next four months brought a bitterness to your mouth that overpowered the sweetness of this opportunity.
“Sleep, huh?” you said doubtfully, “Is that what the Doctor is calling it?”
“I guess suspended animation,” he corrected himself, “Or whatever the fuck.”
Amongst other things. Hellish agony he believed was the way the Doctor so eloquently put it. But he’d chosen to spare you (and the rest of the League) those particular details.
Even without that knowledge though, you still weren’t thrilled by the prospect. Of course because you were going to miss him, but mostly because you trusted that fucking doctor about as far as he could throw you. Which, for that portly little creep, you were pretty sure wasn’t far.
Particularly, because now that the excitement and happiness you’d had for Tomura’s newfound quirk control (as well as the fog from your repeated orgasms) was starting to fade into something more grounded, a sneaky little question managed to worm its way into your head.
Had the Doctor been capable of “fixing” his quirk this entire time?
A loud pounding on the door suddenly broke the silence, at least two fists rapping. And then Twice’s muffled call of, “Alright you two, you’ve had your fun! Now come out and play with the rest of us! Take your time! Make babies if ya want!”
You snorted at the call. Shigaraki was substantially less entertained.
“Jiiiin!” Toga whined from the other side of the door, “Leave them alone! They want some privacy!”
Ah, so the two fists knocking must’ve both been Twice.
“But you missed Shigaraki too, Toga!”
“I know, but…” 
A stretch of silence. And then apparently Toga’s support for love was outweighed by how much she missed her friend. Because then two more fists started knocking on the door.
“Tomuraaaa, come ooouuuut!!” Toga cried, Twice starting up his own pounding on the door right along with them.
“Yeah, yeah— come out! Stay away !”
“I’ll kill them…” Shigaraki growled, glaring at the door heatedly.
You just giggled as you rolled over under him, dropping him to sit on your waist.
“Oh don’t be like that Tomura,” you cooed, reaching up to cup his cheek in your palm and turning him to look at you, “We should all go hang out. I’m not the only one who’s gonna miss you these next four months, you know.”
He sneered at the suggestion at first, wanting nothing more than to spend the entirety of these next twelve or so hours with his hands holding on to you as tight as possible.
But then he really got thinking about it. About them. 
Spinner, Toga, Twice, Compress, hell, even Dabi. There wasn’t going to be time to fuck around with them all once he woke up. They’d be going straight into action, into war. Into the future, wherever that may lead. This wasn’t just going to be his last guaranteed chance to enjoy time with you. It was his last chance to spend time with any of them, until they achieved their goals. And by the end of all that, who even knew how many of them would still be alive?
It was a weight he’d carried around with ease as they planned out their attack over the last couple of months, a weight he’d been carrying for the past year if he was being honest. But it never felt as heavy on his soul at this very moment.
You were right. Absolutely right.
How annoying, he thought with a grumble.
You smiled as you saw that shift on his face, the slight softness that always fell over him when he thought about the League, even if he wasn’t aware of it.
“Alright?” you pressed.
He sighed, “Yeah, yeah. Alright…” 
And then let the corner of his mouth quirk up ever so slightly as he looked down at you, so splayed and fucked out and pretty. He leaned down to press a long, but surprisingly chaste kiss on you, for someone that was still sitting atop your naked form with his own.
Because just because he was going to get up, didn’t mean he was going to be in any rush.
Caught up in the feel of each other, neither of you noticed the click of the door and Spinner’s voice announcing, startlingly clear, “Guys, the door is unlocked.”
“Ack— SPINNER!! ”
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“Okay, you’ve got that all memorized?” Toga chirped, sitting criss-cross applesauce on the floor.
“Yeah, I guess.” Shigaraki, across from her, shrugged, strongly resisting the urge to tell her about how stupid this all was (again). 
“Great! So then we start in that first position, crossed arms,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest by example.
Shigaraki sighed and mirrored her.
“Alright! One, two, three!” she sounded off excitedly, before fluttering her hands eagerly and singing, “Misssss Maaaaaryyyyy Mack, Mack, Mack! All dressed in black, black, black…”
You grinned from your position on the couch, glass of wine in hand, as you watched the two. Shigaraki was pointedly not singing along with Toga, but he was matching her claps with impeccable accuracy.
The League had been just as stunned and excited to hear about Shigaraki’s new upgrade. Not to the point of immediately jumping on his dick, but that was obviously more than okay with him.
No, they were more interested in giving him a speedrun through all of the things he’d missed out on in life from not being able to grab it with all five fingers. Playground clap games that Shigaraki, as a boy, couldn’t say he ever played even before his quirk awakened, were apparently of the highest priority to Toga.
“With silver buttons, buttons buttons— Tomura, you’re not singing!”
“And I’m not gonna,” he grumbled back, but not stopping his hands, “Take the W as it is, or don’t take it at all.”
You laughed at the sight, a new glass of wine that you were sure Shigaraki would want by the end of this.
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Mr. Compress read Shigaraki’s palms next. 
They supposed that this was technically something they could’ve done even before Shigaraki’s upgrade, but with how careful and particular he’d been with anybody getting anywhere near his hands, it definitely wasn’t something they had ever thought to give a go before now.
He decided to read the palm that hadn’t been marred by the fight with Redestro, for more “accuracy” (a reasoning that Shigaraki had openly scoffed at).
“Your love line is quite straight and short,” Compress explained, “Which indicates that you don’t have a lot of interest in love.”
“Booooo,” a red-faced Toga whined from her place on the floor between your legs, shooting Shigaraki an aggressive thumbs down.
You promptly grabbed the half-empty can of chuhai next to her foot, and moved it up to the side table out of her sight. Underage drinking was officially done for the night.
Unbothered, Mr. Compress continued his reading, running his mechanical finger along the top line of Shigaraki’s palm, “Since your love line begins below your middle finger though, it also means that when you do love, you’re quite selfish about it.”
You chuckled, “Hammer? Meet nail.”
“Oh shut up,” he waved you off with his free hand.
“Next is your head line, which represents the way you learn and communicate, as well as your overall intellectualism and thirst for knowledge.” Compress turned to the rest of the group, finger raised as he lectured.
Dabi, from his place leaning judgmentally against the wall across from them, huffed, “Alright, I agree with the Boss on this one. This is really stupid.”
Toga grinned at him, pointing teasingly, “You’re just saying that because you don’t have any more lines in your palm to read! Jelly!”
“I’m not—”
“Jelly!” Twice backed Toga up with a chant, “Jelly, jelly, jelly! Peanut butter !”
Dabi just sighed and returned to his nth beer of the night.
“You have a deep and long head line, that runs separate from your heart line,” Compress continued, “That means that you’re clear and focussed, with a great sense of adventure and enthusiasm for life.”
Shigaraki snorted, “Alright, now I know this is bullshit.”
You flicked his cheek scoldingly, “Just keep going.”
“I also see a singular cross in your heart line, which suggests that you carry some emotional crisis.”
Compress didn’t linger on that point. After all, everyone in this room was dealing with the same thing in one way or another.
“The lifeline is the most interesting in my opinion,” Compress explained, “As opposed to what you might think, it doesn’t have to do with the length of your life, but the quality of it. Yours runs close to the thumb and forks downwards, which means you’re often tired and a pessimist.”
Toga snickered a bit at that, “Still think it’s BS, Tomura?”
“I’m getting the distinct feeling you guys are doing this just as an excuse to insult me to my face.”
You gave his freehand a squeeze, “Oh we don’t need the pretense to do that.”
“ Oi. ”
“There’s a circle in the line too, which predicts great injury or hospitalization.”
The League looked at him pointedly, and he just rolled his eyes.
“The last detail about your life line is a curious one. It’s short and shallow,” Compress said, cocking his head in a way that clearly indicated that he didn’t exactly agree with it, “Which indicates that you’re easily manipulated by others.”
Your frowned. 
The rest of the League members pulled faces that clearly showed their similar disagreement with the reading. But you, thinking back to all his interactions with All for One and the Doctor, everything in his life that he’d described to you…
Well, you weren’t so sure.
“Pffft, like I said,” Shigaraki scoffed, gesturing for you to hand him his wine, “It’s all bullshit.”
Deliberately, Mr. Compress did not read Shigaraki’s fate line.
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You weren’t sure when the night turned into the League taking turns with choosing tasks for Shigaraki to complete, but you weren’t going to complain. You were already looking forward to Toga’s next round after she’d screamed up into the security camera you all knew Skeptic was watching irritatedly through to get her some string for cat’s cradle.
Spinner’s turn was pretty simple though, and at first, not especially different then before. You thought at first that maybe that was by design, that Spinner just wanted to spend some time with Shigaraki the way he always had.
He wanted to play video games.
Of course, there was a twist.
“Fingers down.” Spinner scolded him for what had to be the fifth time in the last ten minutes, “Toga, I need chicken.”
“Yes, chef!” she chirped back happily.
“God, fucking—” Shigaraki growled, forcing his pinkies back down onto the controller against every instinct in his body.
Years of having to hold things in a particular way had caused him to develop a very particular controller grip. One that, once, back at the bar — god, that felt like it was so long ago now — several of you had tried to mimic, just for the hell of it. (Or more accurately, just to get his goat). And it had been hard . The general consensus had been that no normal human should be able to hold a controller like this, let alone hold a controller like this and be as good at video games as Tomura Shigaraki was. 
Now though, the shoe was on the other foot — or more accurately the controller was in the other hands — as you all forced Shigaraki to go a couple rounds of Overcooked while holding the pro controller like a normal fucking person. And it was not going well. 
“Stop dropping shit!” you yelled hysterically next to Shigaraki, “Do you see how many burritos we still need to make?!”
“Do you think I’m doing it on purpose?!” he shouted right back, possibly more worked up than you’d ever seen him.
Toga on the other side of him giggled. She and Spinner were having absolutely no trouble at all on their side of the kitchen, “Tomura, I thought you were supposed to be good at video games.”
“I am! I’m just not used to this grip— FUCK! ” he screamed out as his character once again fell off the map, throwing his controller down onto the carpet.
The room erupted in doubled over laughter and “woah woah woah’s”, over the tantrum the sorts of which none of you had seen since the early days back at the bar.
Maybe he wasn’t such a good sport after all.
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With Twice’s request, even you had to admit that things were getting a bit ridiculous.
Twice slammed his elbow down onto the table, holding his palm open for Shigaraki to take, “Gimme all you got, boss! Go easy on me, please!”
Shigaraki, on the other hand, seemed the most enthusiastic about this one, placing his own elbow on the table and grabbing Twice’s hand tight in his own with a cocky grin. 
You suspected that the many beers he’d knocked back (not to mention the entire bottle of wine the two of you had killed together) played a decent role in that, but it was also impossible to deny that their dear leader was fiercely competitive, no matter the game.
“Ready?” you asked, looking between the two. They nodded, and you begrudgingly stepped further into your role as referee, clapping as you counted down, “Three, two, one— arm wrestle!”
The room blew up in a (small) chorus of screams and cheers.  Actually, even that was generous. As referee you were expressly forbidden from picking sides (Twice was very serious about that), and Compress and Dabi were too composed and too uninterested respectively to participate. It was just Spinner and Toga going wild and slamming their hands on the table as Shigaraki’s and Twice’s muscles strained against each other — although they were more than loud enough for the whole group.
“Go, Jin go!” Toga cheered rhythmically, “Go, Jin go!”
“Kick his ass, Shigaraki!” 
The match lasted a respectable amount of time, both sides putting up a pretty damn good fight. And while Twice was built like a tank and was no slouch either — he probably would’ve won this by a moderate margin a couple of months ago — Shigaraki’s month-long escapade with Gigantomachia had given him a strength and will that surpassed Twice’s own.
“Arrrrgh— damn it !!” Twice shouted as Shigaraki slammed his fist down into the table definitively, “Great game Shigaraki! Die!”
You chuckled as Twice got up from his seat, head dropped in defeat, then turned to Spinner, who was already rolling out his dominant shoulder.
“Next challenger,” you gestured to the seat, “You’re up.”
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Dabi didn’t have any requests throughout the night (surprise, surprise), just a lot of eyerolls and snippy commentary. But he also didn’t ever split off from any of you, which made you consider that he may not have thought this was all as stupid as he claimed.
The part of the night he seemed to enjoy (or at least, not vocalize his annoyance or the group’s childishness over), the most, was when around 4 am rolled around. 
Out of ideas and exhausted, but absolutely refusing to go to bed, the League decided to take a particularly noisy and drunken nightwalk around the property (much to the dread of whichever resident’s window they passed). This quickly turned into an equally harebrained climb up onto the roof so that you could all watch the sun come up.
That sunrise was still a good hour or so away though by the time you all got settled up there, and as chatty, adrenaline-filled, and drunk as most of you were, the late hour and comforting breeze was starting to get to you all. 
Twice and Toga had long fallen asleep, heads resting together. Compress, with his hands folded over his stomach and Spinner, curling up tighter into a ball with every minute, were not far behind. Dabi’s eyes were closed, but he might’ve still been conscious. He didn’t make a sound either way.
Only Shigaraki seemed to be wide awake, staring up at the waning moon with a complex expression on his face. He looked like he was thinking hard, but also somewhat at peace. Grateful for this moment, but already mourning its inevitable end. Exhilarated by the future that began for him tomorrow.
Wondering just what exactly he’d be leaving behind in the past.
You watched this all cross his face, not shifting between expressions, but clearly feeling it all at once. Overwhelmed, and unprepared to process it all. The one thing that seemed to keep him grounded was the hand that held yours, tight and warm. Anytime tonight that his hands weren’t occupied with whatever silly ringer the rest of the League was putting through, he was threading those fingers right back with yours, savoring the one new experience that he truly wanted to indulge the most in. 
And you were more than happy to let him.
He shifted a bit in surprise as you nuzzled into his shoulder, squeezing his hand just a bit tighter in your own.
“You’re still awake,” he commented, voice horse with the sleep his body clearly wanted.
“So are you,” you mumbled against the fabric of his shirt, just breathing him in.
“Yeah, but you need sleep,” he chuckled, “Like I said, I’ll be having more than enough of it for the next four months.”
You stilled against him, frowning. 
Right. The next four months.
Shigaraki seemed to sense your shift in mood, and kicked himself. That was a stupid thing to mention again when you’d finally managed to put it out of your mind for a few hours, and when that fate itself was even fewer hours away.
He ran his thumb with a restlessness that was once reserved for his nails against his neck. Even with that itch seemingly gone for good from his life, Shigaraki was still a fidgety person by nature. Especially when uncomfortable.
“You guys will be busy,” he grumbled, “Planning the attacks, organizing your regiments, training… You’ll barely even notice I’m gone.”
You didn’t comment on the stupidity of that statement, even though it was a really, really stupid and patently untrue thing for him to say. Because frankly, it wasn’t what was on your mind at the moment, not the front of it anyway. Of course the fact that you were going to miss him and these days together was a constant parasite, gnawing and suckling in the back of your brain. But truly, your current concern was a bit less melancholy. Less abstract.
Shigaraki had full control over his quirk now. And it was great and beautiful and nothing short of a miracle of course, you wouldn’t trade this night and all the memories opened up by that particular door for anything in the world. And yet you could not fight that question that had first struck your mind the first moment you had to actually think about it.
Why now?
That question wrenched through you painfully, no matter how much you loved the feel and sight of his hand in your own. Because sure, Shigaraki had been out of touch with the Doctor ever since All for One’s arrest. But what about the last sixteen some years that he’d been at the personal beck and call of All for One and his ward? Why hadn’t he ever adjusted Shigaraki’s quirk then? Was it a matter of technology, a breakthrough in quirk alteration he only recently was able to make? Or was it something else? Was there something bigger going on here? 
What was he not telling you all?
Shigaraki looked down at you, giving that flat expression of his that you knew translated to concern. You looked up from your locked hands to meet his gaze. He stared into you, those deep pools of carmine that stood so hard against the rest of the world, now soft and imploring. Even more than they were for the League. This look was for you.
“Tomura—”
“It’s gonna be worth it.”
You paused, that newfound calm confidence in his voice silencing you in an instant.
“I know these next four months are gonna be hard for all of us. This war is gonna be hard for all of us,” he said, turning to stare back up at the stars, “But it’s all going to be worth it in the end. We’re gonna make a new world where you’re all able to live as you want to. To be free. And this power that the Doctor is giving me... That’s going to assure that it all happens.”
“And… You don’t think that you can do all that now?” you breathed, “You’ve gotten so strong already, Tomura. Maybe you don’t even need that power.”
He turned back to you with a small but sincere smile. The one that betrayed that deep down tenderness he always tried so earnestly to hide. That called his bluff, revealing that there were feelings other than hate in that cursed body of his.
The one that made your heart skip a beat.
“I don’t want to take any chances,” he said, bringing his free hand — all five fingers — to rest on your cheek, “Not when it comes to my comrades’ dreams.”
Not when it comes to you .
Those unspoken words were loud and clear.
You swallowed something tight in your throat, fighting the burn that threatened to overflow from your eyes, the worry that brawled to burst out from your chest and ruin everything. But you had no choice but to shove it all down.
Forcing a smile onto your face, you squeezed his hand tight.
“I understand.”
His own smile remained the same, although a bit of relief did seem to fall over his eyes. He leaned in and pressed a kiss to your temple and stayed there, breathing as much of you in as he possibly could.
Shigaraki had made up his mind. He was going to go through with this. And there was nothing you could say, no concern you could voice or ultimatum you could give that would change his mind. This decision was beyond his own wants and dreams at this point. It was for something far more important to him, even if he’d never admit it.
This was for all of you.
And who were you to stand in the way of that?
The fears wouldn’t ease with time, the nagging in the back of your head wouldn’t be forgotten through training or planning or anything else that you could do in the next four months to try and drown it out. But you just had to suck it up. You had to support him.
You could talk about your fears and the Doctor and any secret ambitions he may have after this ordeal. After the war even. You could talk about anything then, really. It was only four months after all. 
And the two of you would soon have all the time in the world.
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Author's note: This is birth and medical fiction. It's all fake, just a fantasy. Of course I don't want this to happen to me or anyone in real life.
I'd like to have a high risk twin pregnancy. The type where I have to fight my obstetrician to let me try to give birth vaginally and then they try to insist I have an epidural so they can cut into me without delay if something goes wrong. I'll finally get them to agree to let me try it natural if I am invasively monitored throughout and I understand I'm going under general anesthesia the second things go south.
When the day comes for me to be induced, I change into a hospital gown & follow nurses instructions as they put IV ports in both of my wrists. I'm catheterized -- a situation that isn't made any more pleasant by the twinges already squeezing my middle -- and by the time I'm being strapped into the stirrups for the doctor to swipe my membranes, I'm so trussed up I can barely move.
It's my first pregnancy & I didn't expect it to hurt so much just to be pregnant. My hips have been sore practically the whole nine months, in part because of how heavy and low I am carrying the twins. Baby A practically lodged himself between my hips last week and the pressure has been slowly increasing. My breasts are cumbersome and it's painful to even feel the hospital gown brush against my areolas. By the time the doctor is settling between my legs to start my labor, I'm eager to face whatever delivery holds for me to make this pregnancy end.
I'm singing a whole different tune 16 hours later. Or rather, screaming one at the top of my lungs. I am in the throes of transition and suffering the pinnacle of a truly agonizing labor. Baby A is posterior and the pain in my back has me at the edge of my sanity, especially now that the contractions are lasting for 90 seconds, with barely a minute in between.
I'm incoherent at this point. I'm in so much pain I'm only able to think about surviving the second I am living. I'm minimally aware when the nurses move my aching body back into the stirrups so I can push my son into the world. I bear down at their direction and it feels like my ass is gonna bust when his head plunges down.
What actually happens is his precious posterior facial features lodge against my clit as a desperate push shoves him just past crowning and my poor little nub starts to sting. It feels like it's being ripped off and I'm humiliated to find I'm begging my doctor to save my clitoris while I'm straining a massive baby out of me.
I don't know how long I howl a about the pain in my clitoris but the next thing I know the doctor is roughly pulling the shoulders and then the body out of my hole, tearing me more in the process.
I'm aware that my aching canal is empty for the moment. I don't realize I am gaped so badly my asshole is almost inverted. It stings something fierce as birth fluids continue to pour out of my loose, sopping cunt. I start to cry when I realize I am still going to have to push Baby B through my ruined pussy.
I drift in and out of consciousness, occasionally aware of the sharp stab of a contraction. I wake fully to a nurse tapping my cheek to see if I've passed out. When I force my eyes open, she informs me Baby B isn't face down anymore and the doctor is about to perform an internal version. She tells me to brace myself because it will be uncomfortable.
I didn't fully realize the medical actuality of an internal version was for a grown man to stick his entire grown man hand through my cervix and into my uterus. I'm in such utter agony I barely register that the nurses are holding me down by my arms and where my thighs are not strapped to the stirrups. I am experiencing the most pain I have experienced up to this point in my life and it seems to last forever.
I never stop screaming, even when they put a mask pumping gas over my face to try to give me some relief, but the tenor of my yell changes when something shifts and then I feel something rip deep inside of me.
Suddenly all the pain that has come before pales in comparison to what I am suddenly feeling in my abdomen. It is indescribable burning combined with a sudden sense of dread that takes over my body. I am 100% certain that my reproductive organs just gave way with my daughter trapped inside me and I am going to die if something isn't done very, very soon.
It must only be minutes, maybe not even that long, that I lay there while the medical team catches up to the realization that me and my baby are in mortal danger. Time slows down and I feel the rip in my uterus expanding as the contractions, one on top of another now, injure me more by the second. Despite no medical knowledge, I know instinctively that the renewed flood out of my pussy is blood and I am hemorrhaging, possibly to death.
I am utterly helpless now. Strapped down in stirrups, paralyzed by pain, my strength seeping from me as fast as the blood flowing between my legs. I faintly register the monitors start to alarm as I lose the battle with consciousness and my world goes dark.
*******
I wake up groggy and disoriented on a stretcher being wheeled somewhere. I immediately start to panic because there is a tube down my throat and I am really, brutally aware of a long, deep vertical incision that extends from above my belly button down to my public bone. I swear I can feel the layers upon layers they sliced through to deliver my baby. I won't know until later about the battle the surgeons waged, first to save my life and then to save my fertility.
Right now I am only aware of how much it hurts to be jostled on a stretcher with a massive cut down my middle. When the two male nurses move me into the bed, I plead for unconsciousness as my body is roughly transferred to a bed. My tailbone hits the mattress and reverberates in the form of a sharp pain through my pussy. I've still got a catheter and I feel like every inch down there has been stitched up.
I hope one of these nurses will realize I am aware and therefore in indescribable pain but it seems like the paralytic they gave me before intubating me is the only drug of the cocktail still in effect. I suffer as they lift my hips and put a pillow under my butt. Then they start taking off my hospital gown completely.
My confusion quickly turns to fear as one gloved hand on each side grabs one of my fat titties and starts tugging. Breast pumps are whipped out and the men make quick work of shoving as much of my massive milkers in to each before turning them on simultaneously.
My uterus, even after the brutal surgical repair, still tries to respond to my milk suddenly dropping. The pain of contracting after uterine repair and a cesarean combined with the sudden gush of warm pressure on my aching tits brings tears to my eyes. I must be a strange sight: intubated and naked, massive breasts attached to pumps, with my deflated belly sporting a huge incision hanging above a pussy so bruised and stitched it looks entirely purple.
The elder nurse pats my naked thigh just before he makes to leave. It jostles everything and our eyes meet as I wince at the pain it causes me. A chill runs through my body as I realize he knows I am awake and feeling way more than I should be.
He looks at me the entire time he lubes his gloved fist, a sinister smile on his face. He settles between my legs and pauses to look up at me again.
"I bet you wish you'd had that epidural, huh, dear?"
My vision goes white as I feel his whole fist plunge into my pussy with a force absolutely intended to cause me a fatal amount of pain. My vision goes white and I feel pressure building in my chest as the stitches holding my cervix together start ripping. The last thought I have before I go into cardiac arrest is how I don't want to my last memory to be of being brutally fisted in my obliterated, post-birth pussy while my heart explodes in my chest.
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