#ive only done 15 hours so far..

[doctorwormcore]

so like... i go back to work tomorrow... and then... im full time for at LEAST two months???? wow.... seven hour days...half hour commute each way...but...like...?!?!?!? im in training too...idk man its...its really good so far??? I get to work in aircon, in an area that directly meets art and disability work......i like it so far...in between this, being a cat mum, and now about to get my license fINALLY...everything is a bit overwhelming atm

[copepods]

imo the only time students should ever be pulling all nighters is as a result of their own poor time management. like if a student is actually pacing themself and managing their time for an assignment and they still have to stay up all night to finish it on time, that's not the student's fault, that class is poorly paced and the prof needs to do something about it

[legacyshenanigans]

Alright, long-winded and random, but do you guys wanna know about the wild dream I had? And I have dreams like this regularly, I don't know what that says about me, but yeah 🤣 here we go..

The dream was in segments for some reason, where I like fell into different areas randomly.

Segment 1:

I was in an office building, there was just a bunch of people in suits working on computers, but the office building was like a HUGE log cabin in the middle of a city, and I remember thinking IN my dream "this is so out of place" 🤣

Anyway, some woman wanders over to me with a giant bag filled with cutlery and she says "You have to go and set the table for lunch time" and I said in my dream "I dont work here" and she was like "It doesn't matter, just go and do it" so I took the bag and went into this room where there was the BIGGEST table I've ever seen, and I only had 10 minutes to set up all the cutlery on this table ready for the lunch hour, and for some reason one of my cousins who havnt seen for like 15 years showed up and started talking to me and I was like "Listen, I need to get this done stop talking to me" and he KEPT talking to me and in the end I lost my rag and I was like "If you're gonna stand there distracting me, atleast fucking help me!!" And then I fell through the floor into segment 2 of the dream.

Segment 2:

I was at a big house, and there was a pond in the back garden. One of my uncles wife's dad's was there (no idea why ive met him twice lmao) and he was telling me that there was way too many frogs in this pond and that it was really bothering him, because they're so loud and they're always splashing around in the water. He also told me there was a particular frog that looked really weird and it was like the leader of all the other frogs, and he told me to try and get rid of some of them, and gave me a net and a huge bag to put all the frogs in. Anyway, so there I am, scooping frogs and putting them in this bag, but they're all jumping out all over the fuckin place and it's total chaos. And then I see this "Leader" frog. It's bigger than the others, so I thought if I could get the leader in the bag and make it STAY in the bag, the others would follow, so I'm wading in the pond trying to catch this big frog, and I finally catch it and it starts fuckin snarling at me and trying to bite me, and I'm screaming for help, thrashing around, fighting this frog in this random ass pond, and then I suddenly went underwater, then popped up in segment 3 of the dream.

Segment 3:

I was sat on a sofa in a living room, and there was a little ginger dog next to me, staring at me. And then one of my uncles walked into the room and was like "are you ready to go?" And I was like "where?" And he said "We'll take the dogs for a walk" and I said "Dogs plural?" Because far as I knew there was only the one dog, the little ginger one that was next to me, and I looked back at the dog and there was now 4 of them all sat there looking at me. So we take them for a walk, and we're walking along the beach in the next town over to where I live now, and my uncle says "Had any weird dreams lately?" And I said "Yeah I'm having one right now, actually" and laughed, and my uncle looks at me confused and says "What do you mean?" And then I get confused and say "Well this is a dream, isn't it? I'm dreaming, like right now? None of this is real?" And my uncle stops and looks at me like I'm a fuckin monster or something, he looks terrified and his face started stretching out and going all fuckin weird and he starts screaming and his scream was getting louder and louder and the dogs turned to Ash like Thanos just did the snap or some shit. And the sand and sea on the beach went all black and fuzzy and then I woke up.

Anyway, thanks for coming to my talk. 🤣

If anyone is a big dream freak, lemme know what all this means? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

[callipraxia]

State of the State - September 2023

I lost track of the entries in my reading diary, so I ended up lumping everything I read from July-September 2023 together. In that time, taking life on a domain-by-domain basis....

Reading: Read 20 books, plus about a quarter of another, really long one. Completed all 15 accomplishments of the Kindle Summer Reading Challenge, barely (got up to a 75-day streak and lost it, got gloomy and only just got my head back in the game in time to squeeze in the last few accomplishments).

Fandom: I published one one-shot, three short chapters, and some reviews. I did not finish nearly as many reviews as I planned. Six/seven-ish (I tend to drift through targeted research into areas of general interest to me when I'm on these research kicks) books read were read as research for fandom-related projects, along with the quarter-of-a-really-long-unfinished-book. Came up with a new plot bunny, but haven't gotten very far with it.

Work: As predicted, it started up again this month after being mostly dormant through July and August (which, after the rigors of the Spring Session, was not only a good thing but an actually necessary one). There's been a reasonable amount of it, but it's taken me an unreasonably long period of time to finish because I keep getting sick this month.

Self-Improvement: Finished Section III of Duolingo Spanish and started Section IV (the A2 level). Don't feel as smart as the details provided about the meaning of this indicate I should; we shall see. Had a fit of ambition and ended up signing up to audit a computer science class, along with spending hours pouring over course offerings in Coursera, EdX, and Modern States generally, dreaming vague and not-too-terribly-realistic dreams.

Random Interest Developments: Why am I suddenly fighting the impulse to branch out from what I need to finish a fandom project and into just...reading about Jungian psychology for the sake of reading about Jungian psychology?

On the bright side, it...looks better on 'paper' than it sounded in my head. Much more like I actually got something...anything...done. Well done, me!

[alien-cookiez]

So it's been a week since my microdiscectomy. I've had a herniated disc for 15 years at L5/S1. It just kept progressing over the years and my dumbass just kept pushing through.

Let's talk about it and how things have gone so far.

Day 1: Surgery day. I woke up and felt no pressure and no pain in my legs. My pain was very well controlled with meds. (the heavy shit Morphine, Dilaudid, vicodin) was able to get up and use the bathroom.

Day 2: I think my body was in more shock than it was pain. Very shaky/wobbly. Still very medicated at this point. Was on another planet. Went home. 3 hour car ride wasn't terrible. Moved to pain pills at this point instead of IV. (I preferred the pills because they lasted longer, tis why we have so many addicts) This is also the day I started having muscle spasms in my lower back, legs and hips. It felt like I had bugs crawling around in those areas and I honestly thought I was losing my mind. They assured me it was normal but you could sit and watch my muscles just dance. Trippy.

Day 3: Was able to shower and start taking small walks. Pain was bearable with medication. Still was having muscle spasms. This was a good day.

Day 4: The swelling started. As the day progressed the pain got worse. Not necessarily the incision area but the muscles surrounding it. I still made myself get up and walk to my little post a few times. Definitely felt unsteady.

Day 5: Haha. PAIN. There it was. I had been waiting for this kind of pain. Pain with every movement. I still couldn't sit straight up at this point either. This was the worst day but the muscle spasms stopped.

Day 6: Pain and swelling are still there but it's controlled with Tylenol. I kept walking and decided to try to drive up the road and it went well. It was comfortable to sit in my car because I have great seats lol.

Day 6: Woke up with very little pain. Had some muscle soreness. Decided to take a drive and did just fine with some Tylenol. Went and saw QB this night and was feeling pretty good. Muscles started to get sore after a bit.

Day 7: Woke up pretty sore. Both cheeks felt like I had done some major workout. Wild. I only had to take Tylenol/ibuprofen once.

Day 8: Today I'm still pretty sore. My left leg is more so than the right. That was the one effected more before the surgery. The muscles up my whole back, sides and hips are just on fire like I worked out heavily yesterday lol. They feel pretty tired/weak. I did take some ibuprofen this morning when I got up and it feels better now.

[wytfut]

A whiners report, POV.....

Greetings all..... at this very moment in time.... I'm recooping from again another back surgery. To no ones fault, even my own suppose. Time take its toll.

This time has been a journey, more involved than I ever thought would happen to me ever again. I feel at times that my medical incidents seem a bit slanted towards me at times as in picking on me. But thats just my POV. I'm sure it is not.

I won't mention my surgeons name, as I like the guy and I think everything that has happened most likely was out of his hands, and he is very good at his craft. But other than Being very hands on with every patient, he doesn't have a lot of control over what happens to his patient. And so it is....

My medical issues have spanned mostly from 2000 to now. 4 hip surgeries, 2 carpal tunnel, a blood clot incident, a heart attack, and previous back procedures.

My father couldn't handle any morphine products and accordingly, we'd tell hospital personnel, who pretty much ignore us. He'd become outrageous, and out of control, living his nightmares. I've even went so far to tell them that if they insist he have morphine of any kind that they had my permission to tie him in his bed. This always brought a strange look from the person I'd be talking too. But anyone who had lived Delmars nightmares with him cannot describe what they saw. The most common was for him to leap out of bed ripping out his IV's, stitches, etc. .... even dislocating his brand new hip, falling over the rails he couldn't get down.

With my latest, I'm noticing I maybe affected also my morphine, same as my Father. I've had nothing but tons of vivid dreams and at time discerning, what is reality, and what is dreaming. Even when currently I'm only taking 1 hydracodone at bed time.... I get a bit blurry during the day. I've also noticed that I can't really read right now.... maybe a little bit. But my eyes keep jumping around (old EMT days.... "ping pong ball eyes")

When I came out of surgery, I remember nothing of any conversations. .... I seemed to come around to reality about 2 days later, ...... no matter what I said or did.

So Dec. 6 after surgery, a lot of things I was told was said, which I have no recollection. Barely holding my head up.... And a nurse put an ice pack on my new wound, and I went to sleep the next 2 hours.

When I woke the ice pack was warm and sweaty. ... Apparently I frost bit my new wound. So much so that it felt as if my back was on fire.... I was very surprised and got a reply to my questioning "we told you no more than 15 minutes....." absolutely do not remember this.

I got home, Patti wasn't happy that I wouldn't even try the ice pack, but I just couldn't stand it. Between the burning and itching.... no way was I going to do it.

Other conversation after surgery from what I understand was how to wear my back brace. I remember a foggy moment of some sort of conversation. I remember a part where someone (PA?) said I wasn't wearing it correctly. In my pile of papers once I was home, no mention of the back brace, but I remembered somethings. No bending, no twisting, no lifting, ..... pretty much the norm, that I bite my cheek with when hearing. I've had this conversation with my surgeon in the past, and he too chuckles at my point of view.

All of those requests, are impossible, unless you have someone assigned/attached to your hip. I know they sound reasonable, but its really not. Maybe I'm just hard headed, which I can admit to easily.

But I did indeed piss myself 3 times the first night waiting for help off the nurses call button.

Here are my favorite ones where the rules are exempt:

How do you use the toilet? How do you wipe? both of these require bending over and a bit of twisting..... but they do say sitting up is okay... but you are bending over to get there.

Getting in bed.... you are again bending over, and twisting too. Even if done the proper way prescribed....

I'm an old guy. I get up at least 4 times every nite. The toilet is not 10 from my bed. I'm not going to put on that brace, for less than 10 feet 4 times a night.... its just not practical, and I think maybe a bit over board for moving about to get that brace back on and off.

Did I mention that you don't need to wear the brace in bed. I'm good with that, as my wound was screaming by the time I got home. But there was no instruction that I remember on sleeping position. One of my past PA's had very specific instructions on sleep position.

Apparently twisting in bed is ok, bending ok, etc. .... I have no idea.

I even remember someone saying that when sitting if you wanted to take off the brace for a few minutes is was allowed. Condition of my wound..... it was a lot of a "few minutes"...... I even called my surgeons office trying to get this all straight in my head..... couldn't do it.... too much drugs.

I know... its all petty, and I'm just venting from this longer than expected process.

3 nights ago, I woke up with a new chest pain. My pulse was fine. The tempo felt good.... but I couldn't take a full breath without shooting pain. All of this upper right chest, front to rear.

I monitored it until around noon and had Patti haul my butt in. I noticed walking across the kitchen I was struggling to keep my breath.

I had a blood clot. I'm very familiar with blood clots (5 in 2000, and a monster in Xmas 2019) over the past 20+ years. But everyone has been different. Each medical team has treated it with its own interpretation of "how its supposed to be done".

For those that don't know..... like a lot of medical issues, blood clots in the wrong place (all of mine have been in the heart lungs area) can kill you.

I spent 24 hours in the hospital. Got home completely wasted. With what felt was at least a couple days lost recooping from the original surgery.

Feeling pretty good right now. Still not a lot of appetite. I'm currently not on any meds for this procedure. except I'll be taking my last Hydracodone at bed time. We'll see how it goes tonight, I'd like to be off of them, .... but if issues arise, I'll ask for another script.

Not very many folks will read this.... and that's ok. But for those that want to know how I'm doing.... here ya go...

As for my back issues? ..... I'm excited. it appears they are all gone. It doesn't mean something else may not show up down the road, but this time, I'm really excited.

[writerunblocked]

Bullet Proof Heart: IV. A Haunting

Synopsis: Pasts are challenging to run from, especially if you're trying to move up in the world while people you care about stay behind. A political soiree, where people go to schmooze with other people will bring everything you kept to the surface. Class divides are apparent while the people not in the know are left out to dry making Anya nearly lose her mind. The Rosenthals get some news.

Trigger Warning: Death and dying, war, cancer, antisemitism, xenophobia

Bullet Proof Heart: Read Part 1: The Arrangement here. Read Part 2: Out of the Bag here. Read Part 3: Acceptance here

Anya sat at school waiting for students to get done with school. She could tell they wanted to go home too. Fridays were always the hardest day for everyone. People counting the hours until 4pm rolled around to set the kids free and to keep the teachers there for another hour or so. As she looked out at the sea of students, she knew that only a year previously everyone had been there. And now, she saw the children of wealthier family members, kids ages 15-18 whose parents were able to pay for them finish school. 

She thought of Derk Hodge who wanted to be a doctor, but she knew was now working in his family’s bakery, a science whiz, he was often the one kids would go to if they had a bloody nose because he wasn’t squeamish when it came to blood. She thought of Sarah Morgenstein, who was now working in her family’s tailor shop, sewing, mending and selling clothes to the parents and kids who could afford to still be here. She was smart, brave, and kind, always making sure that other people felt included, but was able to run laps around the class when it came to maths and science. Her love of sewing was something Sarah had always enjoyed, but Anya knew Sarah wanted more for her life than to just take up the family business. Her brother, John, was more interested in that than she was. And her mind wandered to Aaron Llody, who she knew was now working for the Peaky Blinders as a runner, small and thin, he was fast. Though not that academically gifted, he always managed to pass the classes, but she knew he could be one of the highest achieving ones if he put his mind to it. She begged Tommy to keep him out of the most danger stuff in order to help ease the worries of his parents and he’d done what she asked. He hadn’t had to do a drug run, but he was often at the tracks, which worried her more at times. Anya knew what went on at those tracks. She’d gone with Tommy a few times in order to just be eyecandy and for her to spy. It was no place for a kid. 

Memories flooded back to how her brothers and parents pooled their money together to make sure Anya could stay in school. How she and her family went without just so she could go. She worked her arse off, scoring at the top of her class. She was the first woman in her family to graduate, something that no one had been able to say. From the Shtetls of Poland to the slums of Birminham, to being the fiancée of the most powerful man in Birminghm had shown them how far they’d come from when her Uncle had been killed in a Pogrom when she was six. But she still worried for everyone else that wasn’t as lucky as they were. The people they left behind, the family that died, the boys that never came home, the boys that did come home but were forever changed. All Anya could think about were the lives that couldn’t go on to do the things they wanted, all because of money. She knew what it was like to be poor, it was why she was working when she was old enough. 

The memories haunted her. The memories of Poland and the night her Uncle was taken and beaten. The day her brothers and father went to war, not knowing if they came home. The day she found out her father sick. The day she found out he was dying. The day she found out it was cancer. 

Haunted like the stories of old, Anya thought back to all the times in her life where she was scared, angry, confused, happy, and now she thought of the memories she’d go on to make with Tommy. Being a gangster’s wife wouldn’t be easy, she knew that. And she also knew what happened with Gretta and Grace. She also knew that this ‘I’m committed to only you’ speech he’d given her a couple nights before would only last a little while. And she’d be dealing with the heartbreak of knowing what it was like being the object of Thomas Shelby’s fleeting affections. How special it made you feel and how quickly it can turn sour. He might pay you, he might not, but you were expected to be available whenever he wanted. There was nothing anyone could do to stop it. When Thomas Shelby said ‘you’, then it was you. 

All the women he saw either had dark hair and dark eyes like Lizzie Stark, someone he’d been seeing until she took up working as a secretary for Shelby LTE. Or more often then not, had blonde hair and blue eyes. Just like Grace, just like Greta, just like Anya. Thomas Shelby most certainly had a type. And that type was blonde. 

Tommy came in through the door of their shared house and walked into the living room. He walked up to her, kissed her, and then took a seat, sighing. 

“What’s on your mind?” She asked. 

“I need to head to London,” he said. 

“Politics again?” She asked looking up from the Nick Miller’s essay in her hand. 

“Yes,” he said. “And I want you there with me.” 

Anya had as much tact when it came to politics and smalltalk as Tommy. She hated small talk. She, of course, would be seen as the ‘younger model’, but she nodded her head. She would have to hold her tongue, she’d have to smile, and hopefully not socialise too much with the other wives. “Why me?” She asked. “You’re already elected. And you and I aren’t really liked by the establishment. A gypy and a kike together? Tommy, that’s a recipe for desaster.”

“Wives talk,” he said. “Wives also might be in their husband’s ears.” 

“Talk to the mistresses,” Anya said lighting a cigarette and handing it to Tommy. “Mistresses are discrete, thety usually don’t want to rock the boat. And whatever men don’t tell their wives, they tell them.” 

“You talk from experience,” Tommy said. 

“I was your ears for a year before you got engaged to me,” she said. “You weren’t married, but whatever you couldn’t tell your family for whatever reason, you told me.” 

Tommy sat back and looked at her with wonder. “You’re right,” he said. “They do talk to their mistresses more often.” 

“Speaking from experience?” Anya asked him taking another drag of her cigarette. 

“I’m a changed man,” he said. 

She scoffed but didn’t say anything. He took another puff of his and looked at her. “I need your help, Anya.” 

“I’ll go,” she said. “I’ll go.” Pushing her hair out of her face. “We all know how shite I am at smalltalk though.” 

Tommy nodded his head in agreement. Smalltalk was also something Tommy loathed. And unfortunately for the two of them, smalltalk was something they’d have to do. “It’s next saturday. You already have something nice.” 

She nodded, thinking about the dress she’d gotten for the Races a few weeks ago. 

When they arrived at the party, Anya took the time to marvel at everything that was in the hall. Filled with politicians and their wives socialising and laughing dressed in clothing that might only wear once or twice, Anya felt like she’d been pushed into the deep end of the pool. She could handle drunks, she coulde handle parents, but she couldn’t handle politicians. Being much younger than Tommy, but being around the age of the wives, she knew some of the wives might not be keen for her being Jewish and engaged to a gypsy. 

The marble floor was immaculate and free from scuff marks was shiny that she could see reflections of the people on it. The crystal chandelier that hung above them was filled with candles. As electric lights lit the room. She shivered and clung to Tommy for warmth. “Into the belly of the beast,” she whispered looking around for the nearest exist. 

“It’s not that bad,” Tommy said. 

Anya rolled her eyes. She saw a white man with brown hair, a Charlie Chaplin moustache, dressed in an immaculate black suit with combed and slicked down brown hair. Next to him was a white woman with short curled blonde hair and dressed in something Anya could afford that was a deep blue almost bordering on black. With a large blue stone that was surrounded by diamonds. A white shall of fur was also draped around her. 

“There you are, Mr Shelby,” Oswald Mosley smiled. “This is my fiancée, Diana Mitten.” He turned to Anya looking at her in a way she was used to, but still found uncomfortable. “And who’s this lovely lady?”  

“This is my fiancée, Tommy said eagerly. “Anya Rosenthal.” 

“Soon to be ‘Shelby’,” Anya interjected. Smiling, she took the hands of both Mosley and Diana’s hands. 

Diana smiled at her. “Anya, is that short for anything? It’s a pretty name.” 

“No,” she said. “It’s not short for anything.” 

Diana took a look at her engagement ring. It was a three karat diamond that was on her finger that Tommy had given to her to save face. “That’s a gorgeous ring.” 

“Thank you,” Tommy smiled. 

“He got it for me in Paris,” she smiled. “But you’re not really a fan of Paris, are you?” 

 “No,” Diana said. “I much prefer Berlin.” She looked at Anya once again. “You speak German, don’t you?” 

“Ja,” she said. “Es its meine dritte Sprache.” (It’s my third language.) “I also speak Hebrew, English, Russian, and Yiddish.” 

“Ah, you’re fiancée’s very well-versed,” said Oswald. “You must’ve travelled.” 

“I emigraged here when I was six years old,” she smiled. Having done research on Mosley, Anya knew he came from ‘propper Englisn stock’, being a baronet and had bee married once before. Someone like Anya, was most certainly not someone he’d be wanting to be well acquainted with. 

“From where?” asked Diana, a little concerned. She was also from propper English stock. Her father was a barron and she’d been married once before as well and had children too. 

“Krakow Poland,” she said. 

“Come with me, Anya,” Diana said. “Let’s talk while we let the men do their thing.” 

Anya and Diana walked away while their husbands talked amongst themselves. And Anya still felt well out of her element. These were people of high society who were educated and bred to be here. Born at the top, these were the type of people Anya wouldn’t normally be associating with, they were just as foreign to her as England was all those years ago. A new world that she had to navigate. And being ‘new money’ as she heard someone call it once many years ago, she and Tommy were now being forced to fight their way in to the building. And with Diana Mitford standing by her, that was even more painfully obvious as Anya being made fun of for not not knowing English all those years ago. 

Tommy and Mosley walked to a secluded room to speak. Tommy was here on business to get more information for the Home Office. He was going to infiltrate, just like he did the race tracks all those years ago. But this was different, this wasn’t Billy Kimber and his accountant, these were people with connections to royalty. Something Tommy had, but not in the way these people were.

“So, that fiancée of yours,” Mosley said pouring himself and Tommy a drink. “Tell me more about her.” 

“That’s none of your business,” Tommy said lighting a cigarette, rolling it between his lips and lighting it. 

“What an interesting story,” Mosley said. “Her and her family. Her uncle killed in a Pogrom, forcing the family to flee to Birminham from Krakow, Poland. Her brothers joining the war effort here, fighting in the treches, with you. You saved her older brother, Abraham’s life, as well as the lives of many others. Just like her brother did for you and many others later.” 

“Anything else you might add?” Tommy asked. 

“She has a sick father, He picked up something in the trenches, cancer. The poor man doesn’t have much longer left. Most likely a couple weeks at most. He won’t live to see his little girl get married. And when her father got sick, she got another job as a barmaid and musican at your pub. And then she started doing work for you,” Mosley finished. 

Tommy scoffed. “She was just my secretary, nothing more. She paid bills, ran errands, and did stuff a normal secretary would do. There was nothing sexual between us.” 

“Then why was she one of the last ones that didn’t run out of the pub at your interview,” he said. 

“She can stomach working for the Shelby Family,” he said. “She knows how violent it can get.” 

“Stomach working for the Shelby Family or for you?” Mosley asked him, though he already knew the answer. “I don’t blame you for wanting to. Anyone looking at her wants to. You’re a lucky man Mr. Shelby.” 

“My wife’s off limits,” Tommy sneared. “What you want with me, you can have me, but leave my fiancée out of this. What do you want?” 

“Your allegiance,” he said. “You and your fiancée both have an unsavoury past. You ran Birmingham with an iron fist with the Peaky Blinders.” 

“And you want my help with what exactly?” Tommy asked. 

“You will help me bring to life my new political party, the British Union of Facists. You can get the working class to our side and be even more powerful.” 

As Anya delt with Diana, she was searching desperately for some vodka as she talked with the other wives, mistresses, and fiancées around them. A flute of champagne in her hand, she was smiling, hoping that she wasn’t getting too drunk. “So, Anya, darling,” a woman said. She couldn’t recall her name, but she was in her 50s, she had dyed brown hair that was curled and she was dressed in jewells. “When’s the date?”

“When is the date, Anya,” Diana smiled. “You haven’t told me.” 

“We don’t know yet,” she said. “A lot of moving parts and my father’s ill, I have to sort out things for pupils. I still haven’t found a dress, but I’m thinking of asking my sister-in-law EJ to make it for me.”  

That’s all the women talked about. What their kids were doing, how they owed their nannies a great deal, how their husbands were always so wrapped up in business that they never had time for them. Anya’s upcoming wedding.  

“I wonder what the men are talking about,” Anya asked in a vain attempt to get the conversation off her impending wedding.

“Nothing for our fragile brains,” one of the older women laughed. 

“Oh, we’ve had the right to vote for years now,” Anya said. “We should be able to listen to what our husbands are saying.” 

“Politics is no place for us,” another woman chided her. 

“I’m very involved in my fiancée’s matters,” she said. “It’s a new century, time to bring in the new.” She raised a champagne glass and smirked. The same smirk her brothers had, the same smirk they’d inherited from their father and uncle. 

“No place for a respectable lady,” another woman huffed. 

“But by your view, I’m not a ‘respectable lady’,” Anya said taking another sip of her drink. The woman looked at her incrediously. All the women’s eyes turned to her. “I grew up poor, I’m an immigrant, I’m not Christian, if I’m with my family, I’m not speaking English, we’re speaking Yiddish. I’ve held jobs, I’m a school teacher, and I help my fiancé in his political indevours. By your view, someone of high society, someone who’s family came from money and holds titles, something my fiancé and I will never have. So, tell me, does that sound like a ‘respectable lady to you?’ Anya asked. 

The women were too stunned to speak as they looked at her in shock. She seemed to have upset the High Society Ladies. Diana Mosley looked at her with shock, awe, and maybe a bit of admiration. 

 “You’ve got a mouth,” a woman said. 

“What do you expect, she’s foreign,” another woman laughed. 

That struck a nerve with Anya. All her life, she was told ‘she’s foreign, she wouldn’t get it’ or was treated differently because of it. “My brother Abe received a medal for his time serving for the King in WWI. For both distinguished service and a military medal. His actions at the Battle of Verdunne savec Allied lives. All my other brothers fought for the king, so did my Dad. Who is now dying of cancer because of the gas used in the trenches. So, tell me, how am I not English? I’ve lived most of my life here. I’ve spent more time here than I did in Poland.” 

The night was more hostile on Anya’s part than on Tommy’s part. After schmoozing with a few other MPs, they returned back to their hotel at the Ritz-Carlton/. 

“I’ll never get the aristocracy,” Anya announced as she collapsed onto the bed. “The Eton and King’s College Educated men that treated their wives like dirt and people they deemed inferior even worse. 

“Neither will I,” Tommy admitted. “But it’s the new world we live in.” 

“The world you dragged me into,” Anya stated as Tommy started getting undressed for bed. 

Tommy sighed and looked at her, unbuttoning his shirt. “Mosley knows about us,” he said. 

“How?” Anya asked. 

“He must know somebody,” Tommy stated. “Someone in Birmingham.” 

“Tommy,” she said. “It was an open secret in Birmingham. Everybody knew about us, but no one said anything because of you. Because of who you are.” 

“He knows about your Uncle back in Poland,” Tommy said. “He knows about your father. He knows about Noam and Gal.” 

She looked at him in shock. “You’re Thomas Shelby,” she snapped. “You can’t let him get under your skin. I know that Mosley’s been in some unsavoury activities. He’s tipped to be the next Prime Minister. But he has dealings with Hitler. They both do. Use that to your advantage.” 

It was then the phone rang in their room that sent Anya scrambling toward it. She picked it up. “Hello?” She asked. It was Isaac on the other end of the line. “Anya,” he whimpered. He sounded like he’d been crying. “Anya, s'iz tate. Er iz arafgefarn. Ir tsvey darfn tsu bakumen tsurik vi bald vi meglekh. Es iz tseyt tsu zogn zay gezunt.” (It's Dad. He's gone downhill. You two need to get back as soon as possible. It's time to say goodbye.) And her world crumbled to the ground like a house of cards. It was time.

[saltminerising]

look if your turnaround time is 2 weeks my logic is expect it in 2 weeks hope for it in 10 days ask about it in 3 weeks after a month of no response ive been scammed. now if i buy someone something expecting it to be done in 2 weeks and 3 and a half weeks later they respond to my message saying yeah im sorry i was in an accident im in the hospital ill be out in a month thats cool. if they say ill be out in 5 months im going to politely ask hey, super sorry youre going through this, but i cant have things be tied up for that long and had i known this would happen initially i likely wouldnt have commissioned you and as such if youve already started im willing to accept whatever youve done at the price youd normally charge for that work (if i ordered a $75 full shaded and background and they only got a sketch done and they charge $15 for a sketch, it would be asking for $60 back, yes, but that i still think is fair as that is their own pricing on what theyve done so far and i wouldnt be expecting them to still go on to finish that art piece) and if you havent started yet i would prefer a refund if at all possible and id. like to think thats fair? its not oh if you dont have it done in 2 hours full refund now its like i cant have my money just in the void for half a year because at the end of the day i didbspend it on a product. like you wouldnt wait 5 months for something to ship if the website hadnt told you up front that it would take that long if that makes sense?? sorry if this makes me an asshole i guess but tbf i dont commission people anyways

[ahhvernin]

Reasons why my brain wants to leave the job even though its only been like 3 years.

1. Brain is bored, not being challenged, if challenged not supported or encouraged.

2. Not encouraged, or praised, just ordered with directive.

3. Not allowed to take charge of a task, even if task has been given to me several times over with no issue but its always taken away, even though I’ve expressed interest in continuing it.

4. $$$$$ bills food cost of living.

5. Exhausted from catering and dealing with the same habits and issues from coworkers.

6. Questioned or met with road blocks every single attempt to improve efficiency or new method or asking to learn more and understand more deeply the processes.

7.Told to make a network, so I network, but supervisor does not appreciate the networks I’ve made.

8. Feeling like an imposter.

9. Not remembering how I got hired or how I got hired or made it this far, feeling like I know nothing even though Ive been at this job for 3 years everyone else feels like they know more.

10. The fear that I’ve overshared.

11. The fear that it takes about 3 years for people to call me out on my bullshit.

12. Being micromanaged to the point where I can’t get my work done anymore. Aka 4 phone calls from the boss within 10 minutes.

13. Boss actively denying me more training, education or info.  Then reprimanding me when I don't know.

14. Feeling like I have some authority to something, but I do not have any respect from upper management or have mixed messages from upper management.

15. Overwritten without any communication / Credit stolen

16. Repeated issues and deficiencies not addressed.

17. Problem continue even after after hours. What are your reasons?

[blorbocedes]

Alright PART 1 of the Valrussy fic this accidentally ended up being super long so I'll drop PART 2 in your askbox super soon. This one is mostly an intro and background info opener:

30 November 2022 Monaco

The race at Abu Dhabi must have been the most controversial race in the history of F1 so far ofcourse what else could be expected when 15 out 20 cars DNF especially when one of the remaining 5 cars caused the other 15 DNFs. Given Latifi's record people were unsure whether this was a revenge tactic for being kicked out of F1 or genuine incompetence on his part.

George knew that he shouldn't think this way on some level he remembered that Nicholas was his friend and longest teammate but when you have the win snatched away from you on the last lap of the race it's hard not to be bitter. Instead of celebrating his win with the people he loved best he had ended up spending half of the week under the care of an overly attentive Toto. He had no idea how Toto ended up being his emergency medical contact but he was mostly certain that had not been his own decision mostly likely something Toto had done on his behalf. Lewis had come to see him in the hospital but by now he knew Lewis didn't care not really he had just shown because he had to and brought flowers that George hated. Lewis had stayed for barely 10 minutes blabbering on about some pretty little German (or was it Finnish?) blonde that he was meeting in Greece for the winter break. But it was his parting statement that had made George wish he had the energy to throw the IV stand at his retreating figure "You should really get rid of Toto as your emergency contact you know he tends to go a bit overboard he was the same with Rosberg". Ofcourse Lewis thought it was that simple because he only ever got the good side of Toto. No one knew the real Toto Wolff not like he and Nyck did. Well maybe not even Nyck knew the Toto the way he did. Toto was his first time. He remembers being 18 knowing there was only one way to his dream and bargaining away the only thing that he had that was worth giving. He remembers spending hours crying into Alex's arms after but refusing to tell Alex what was wrong.

These days he could probably stop their little arrangement but more and more he found himself seeking out Toto maybe his business was now just hardwired to need Toto. Even if it made him sick to his stomach. Even if his brilliant, beautiful, loving girlfriend had been slipping him articles on grooming and therapist's numbers since the first time she'd walked in on them and he knew she was a saint because anyone else would have dumped his ass and sold the story to the highest bidder.

An FIA representative was here to see him now sitting across from him in Toto's living room. She seemed as nervous as he felt. "As you know Mr. Russell we having a long standing tradition of a winner's room" she said delicately "and well this time you've been chosen but since you were ill we agreed to postpone the winner's room till you recovered"

He almost laughs with relief at this point he would do anything to be out of Toto's house "That's alright with me" He says trying to keep the joy out of his voice " but I didn't keep up with who won to be honest with you. Could you clue me in on where I need to go?"

She smiles brightly and says "We'll be flying you down to Finland. Valtteri Bottas was the 2022 Abu Dhabi grand prix winner"

He promptly vomits on Toto's expensive rug. He remembered what Valtteri had promised. Why him?

I am once again overwhelmed by my anons who are worth their weight in GOLD and other precious metals and minerals 🙏🙏🙏🙏 please save this somewhere that isn't my askbox 😭

when I tell you I'M HOOTING AND HOLLERING. 15 DNFS!!! An Alfa Romeo win!!!!! Latifi said aite I'm out!!!! 🚶‍♂️ George about to WIN his first race getting bonked on the head...... something about Lewis not actually caring about George but showing up cause he's expected and bringing flowers he hates??? *chef's kiss* and then he's vacationing with some pretty blonde German or Finn 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀 IN GREECE TOO?!?!!! you did THAT (for me🥺).....

Lewis only getting the good side of Toto..... only nycky and georgie porgie pudding pie knowing the Real Toto...... who dangled a seat in front of him at 18.... the way you were scientifically created in a lab to write something so specific to ME sgdjdjd and then he went home and cried to ALEX *faints* toto being creepily overly invested...... and then George sweet stockholm syndromed self defeating fuck going BACK to him, hardwired to need Toto... cause yea it's terrible but better the devil you know, than the devil you don't??? his poor gf....... naur not the grooming articles and therapists George will never go to cause Nothing Happened and He Is Fine, Actually..... the Dynamics here!!! he's in Toto's living room and he can't leave!!! Until literal FIA obligations come to play and we haven't even gotten to the valrussy.... oh my go d I'm at the edge of my seat. also thank you for making him throw up on Toto's expensive rug like a little chihuahua...

I'm sitting with clasped hands for part 2, 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️ this has truly brought me so much JOY thank you!!!!!! i hope I can convince you to give it a home on ao3

Part 2 here

[sprucestairs]

summary of Events that happened to me while playing stardew valley today:

So I accept that special order quest from Willy, the one where he asks for 100 bug meat. And I decide to, effectively, speedrun it because it was near the end of summer and I was basically just waiting for fall so I could complete some quests. Also, I wanted to be at least two hearts with every villager and was currently at one with Willy.

And so I go down to the mines, and I start cheesing my way through the quest by taking the elevator between levels 15 and 25 to farm bugs. It takes me a couple days, but I do it. I even get an ancient seed for my troubles.

And I go to hand it over to Willy, right? Turns out, oopsies, I have to put it in the barrel by his house to complete the quest, and I've just gifted Willy one piece of bug meat (lucky i had an extra).

It was his birthday.

I gave. Willy. A hated gift on his birthday.

So I'm now at zero hearts with Willy. I figure, hey, I'll just look on the wiki what his favourite gifts are.

I don't have any universal loved gifts, so those are out of the question. I have a diamond that I put in my new crystallarium maybe a day or two ago, but ive got no idea how long that'll take to duplicate.

The easiest of his loved gifts seems to be catfish. Perfect! I'll just go catch a catfish.

It takes me a couple casts to question if it's out of season. I know from the bundles that it's meant to appear in rivers, but all I've caught so far is rainbow trout and sunfish.

So I go back to the wiki, and i find out that catfish can only be caught in one place in summer; the secret woods. I've already unlocked it, I've been there a couple times, I know where to catch it.

The trouble came with actually catching the thing. I had fishing level seven, and an iridium rod. I still couldn't catch it because of how goddamn fast it moved. I tried for a while, but eventually I decided to craft a trap bobber.

I finally managed to catch two of them in fairly quick succession, so I decide to keep them in a fish pond and give one of the catfish they produce to Willy later.

So I go to Robin's and ask her to build me a fish pond. I give her the stuff to build it, and she says she'll start working the day after tomorrow because she never works festivals (Understandable). (Yeah, it took me from the afternoon of the 24th to like midnight on the 26th to find those catfish.)

The crystallarium is done. I give Willy a diamond. It is now fall. I am waiting on the now-complete fish pond to produce more catfish.

All of this over the course of three, maybe four, real life hours.

Now that I have free time, I start giving pomegranates to Elliot and Rasmodius.

[spinspoon]

okay, so this has been rattling around in my brain for a while, so don't mind me getting my thoughts out for a moment

as someone who struggles with motivation and just getting the motivation to do things on a daily basis, this is something ive specifically noticed for me

in summary: time is a deceptive little thing.

okay, lemme explain.

so, my struggle is often i won't end up getting things done, because i'll look at the time and be like "oh, well, can't do that now because i dont have enough time/it's too time consuming to start now", when in reality ive begun to realize that most of the time, that isn't really the case. in reality, ive unconsciously conditioned myself to believe that through constant media consumption.

the way that media is created (and here, for sake of clarification, i'm mostly referring to online media) is specifically in a way that is (generally) very low in terms of actual energy consumption, and supposed to keep your brain distracted; and when your brain is distracted, it's much easier to lose track of the time. for example, if you're playing a video game, 30 minutes might feel more like 5 minutes because your brain isn't focusing on the time, it's focusing on the game and all the stimulation and stuff that comes with interacting with it.

let me clarify right now: im not saying media itself or consuming media is a bad thing, obviously. pretty much far from it (assuming you're making sure to moderate what you consume on a daily basis)

but because some types of media consumption for me are such low energy (and don't really take a lot of thinking) when my depression was much worse a couple of years ago (before i realized that's what i was experiencing) i let myself fall into an unhealthy habit of spending too much time consuming media. and because of that, my sense of time has been completely warped.

ive realized that ive completely forgotten how much time just 1 hour really is. heck, how long even 30 minutes is! whenever i do end up doing something productive, I'll end up looking at the time afterward and being like "wait, that only took me 15 minutes??"

i think another reason for this is just because of how fast-paced modern society is today, and how pressured society makes people feel about everything absolutely having to be going at a constant, continuous rate (but that's a conversation for a different time, lol)

so, in conclusion, i just want to say, mostly for myself but for whoever this might also help: if you aren't doing things because you feel like you don't have enough time for it, try and do even little things and maybe even time yourself just to see how much time it actually takes. and it's okay to start things that you might not be able to finish in that same day! as somebody who feels like they have to sit down and do everything in one sitting, this has been really hard to teach myself, but im working on getting there!

naturally, everybody will have some things that tend to eat up the day (school, work, etc.) and i totally get sometimes (or a lot of the times) just physically or mentally not having enough energy is a struggle. but don't limit yourself to not doing things because you don't feel like you have time! slow down, enjoy little things, don't let you convince yourself that just because you feel like you don't have time to do anything, doesn't mean that doing nothing at all is better than trying to use the time you have! i know that it's easier to say then to do, but if you can get into the habit of reminding yourself just how much real time you have, it really genuinely helps!

keep in mind that this is just my experience and this is just what i know has been working for me, but i thought it was worth sharing in case this reaches anyone else who has similar experiences :]

anyway, that's all, if you made it to the end of this thanks for entertaining whatever the heck is going on inside my head 💪💪

[just-more-trolls]

dumb fantroll ask meme, odd numbers for wyllow

Ok so this is gonna be Long’un I’m gonna put everything under cut

1.  Biggest pet peeves? How much do they annoy you? Are they bad enough to be a deal breaker if someone you were interested did them?

“okay so..im a very patient person and i understand self-loathing..”

“but i have my limits..im not here for a pity-party please dont lament how much of a pathetic asshole you are expecting me to help you only to ignore any advice i give you and continue to lament your shitty life where nothing good happens ever ok???”

“...ok so that was..a rant...uhm...my pet peeve is when people don’t want to crawl out of the pit they’re in..or downright refuse to..mainly because they like the attention..”

3. What are your turn on’s turn off’s? 

“tha-..thats a little personal hello?????”

“i choose to not answer that!!”

5. What is your least favorite and favorite parts of your body? Any feature you pride yourself on? Then least favorite would you change it if you could? 

“my favorite parts? uhm..my horns i guess? and my hips”

“my least favorite are my eyes because i need glasses to see..id change that if i could i guess”

7. What is your least favorite food and why? 

“i cant stand bitter greens like baby spinach..or kale..its just not what my tastebuds like..”

“and venison makes me legitimately ill..like bad stomach ache levels of sick..”

9. What are any tics you might have? Any nervous habits? 

“under extreme amounts of stress ive been told i get the antlerbeast-in-headlights look complete with freezing..”

“im real bad about picking at the skin on my fingers especially if im real anxious..to the point of bleeding sometimes..but it keeps me from picking on the threads of my clothes until theyre unraveling..”

11. What is your earliest memory? Is it a happy or a sad one. 

“my EARLIEST memory is of finding my ancestors hive..and consequently also finding my ancestors journals on herbology and botany..and its a happy one because its what jumpstarted my own career in it~”

13. If you could have any super power what would it be? 

“i want to command plants!!”

15. What would you do with the ability to see ghosts? Would they scare you or would you be interested in them? 

“id ask them about their life..or help them move on if they dont realize theyre dead..id also keep journals of everything i was told; preservation of history and all that”

17. How good a liar are you? How often do you lie to others. 

“i cant lie for the life of me..like ill withhold the truth but straight up lie?? id die from the guilt.......or by the hands of whomstever i lied to”

19. How far would you go to be perfect? Are you ok with flaws? 

“perfection is an impossibility”

“...that being said uhm..that depends on the..flaw i think..and flaws are subjective..that being said if a flaw is actively harmful to the individual or anyone around them im not as okay..if that makes sense?”

21. How much do you sleep? What is your typical night time routine? 

“a full eight hours~! night time routine is typical: wash up, brush up, jammies on.. i have a cup of tea before bed and i read a little until im done”

23. How good are you with choices? Is it easy to make decisions or do you struggle with them? 

“i...suck at choices if im under pressure to make them.. decisions arent too hard but if there’s weight to them its definitely a lot harder on me..”

25. What is the worst thing you’ve done to someone? Do you regret it? 

“..........theres not a night goes by i dont regret it”

27. How good are you with computers? How much do you use them in every day life? 

“fairly often! i mean im no savant but i know my way around a palmhusk or a tablet”

29. If you knew you had less then a sweep left to live how would you use it? 

“probably by myself.. id quietly wrap up my assets..tend to my garden up until’ my final night before laying myself in the largest patch of flowers and herbs to be consumed by the earth as a way to give back”

31. Which would you prefer you dying before your loved ones, or them dying before you?

“uhm..probably them dying before i would..to spare them the grief”

33. What are your stances on the spectrum? 

“in a social standpoint or a biological standpoint??”

“biologically i lowkey enjoy the diversity..how each group has something unique to them like the lower spectrum of trolls having a higher possibility of psionics..or purples with chucklevoodoos..”

“socially i really wish there wasnt such a divide..and its not like we have a choice in the matter were forced based on our blood color to fall into a certain level of financial and social hierarchy as a form of control and division..”

“honestly if i could give away all my money and not automatically get a refill i would..”

35. If you were empress for a day what would you do? 

“upend the status quo and dismantle the hierarchy..”

“..also give lowbloods a lot of money to live comfortably so they can begin the careers they wanted to do but never had the means to do them”

37. What do you fear loosing most? A possession, your senses, loved one, ect?

“the thing i fear most is losing someones trust in me...to irreparably damage a relationship with no hope of returning...ha..”

39. What is your biggest dream in life and how far would you go to obtain it. 

“i dont know...im pretty content in my life as it is; i have my shop..my garden..my hobbies..i just wish i had someone to share all of this with i guess”

41. Are there any people in your life you miss? What would you do if you could see them again? 

“....apologize..”

43. Do you consider yourself a material troll? If giving up every thing you owned meant eternal happiness would you do it?

“as cluttered and material-filled as my hive is i could give it all up if it meant id find eternal happiness..”

“..that being said i do fear losing everything ive worked on because i..kind of lack a fallback plan..”

[professional-dragonsandmemes]

ugh fuck mulching my backyard is harder than i thought

last time i mulched (im using woodchips dumped by gardeners in our neighborhood's greenbelt) i used my own 5 gallon bucket plus a 10 or 15 gallon bucket that i borrowed from the greenbelt. and i was only doing an area that was like, 50-100 sq ft.

But now im doing the ENTIRE YARD and theres no 15 gallon bucket to borrow so im trying to use trash bags (13 gallons) instead cuz i can bring as many as i want on each trip with my car but getting the woodchips into the bags and then getting the full bags to and in the car is so hard! ive only done one trip so far, with 3 trash bags,, and then had to take like an hour break. and what i brought back to the yard BARELY COVERED LIKE 10% OF IT UGHH

[gyuville]

fr the otome questions thing…. 9? 14? 15? and 24?

9. romantic moment:

realized while answering this i have a very bad memory 😭😭 i only remember the parts that hurt me the most 💔 but the first thing that comes to mind is that one scene in yves from virche evermore's route. when mc accidentally sees his scar and hes crying thinking she'll leave him or be scared of him bc of it just like every person in his life. but she doesn't she stays with him she tells him that she thinks hes beautiful and she kisses his scar. i cried so much in that scene i love my yves so much 😭😭

14. exceeded expectations:

although i havent finished it yet, mystic messenger definitely exceeded my expectations. the other texting based dating sim i played "30 days to love" was good but pretty basic. i was expecting smth similar from mystic messenger at first. but now i realized its not like that at all so it really is way better than expected. ive only done 707's route so far and im actually head over heels for him. and thats without even going into the lore 😭

15. favourite trope:

honestly idek 😭 i probably have 2 different types considering my faves in otome games. one of which is

i) the LI that is in love w mc in every route/timeline/universe :-

asra alnazar from the arcana

rafayel (all 3 actually?) from love and deepspace

ankou from virche evermore

ukyo from amnesia memories

707 (saeyoung choi) from mystic messenger

but i love all of them for very different reasons and i loved them ever before finding out theyre in love w the mc in every universe. im just naturally drawn to mysterious characters i guess? because there are other characters who also fit in the same category. ((for example: lucas proust in virche evermore, toma in amnesia memories)) but its probably bc we're literally meant to be actually (im insane)

24. favourite otome:

i havent played that many otome games in my life actually. like ~8 of them?? although i love them all for their very own reasons... virche evermore is Really hard to top like they truly cooked with this one ‼️ gave me a reason to live. the love interests, the story, the routes, the despair endings, the salvation endings, everything. i have never cried as much for a game or any piece of media, as i did for virche evermore. although some routes were a little too much for even me to handle it kind of made me love it more. i literally stayed awake till 5 am every night for 2 weeks while playing virche. i enjoy emotional pain and suffering tbh. i could go into actual heavy detail on why and how much i love virche evermore but its 3 am and i have to wake up in 3 hours 💔💔

thank you so much for sending an ask i really really love you for this i love screaming abt my favourite otome games

[loyalestmunch]

11.19.23

actually the loneliest ive ever felt. i dont have a best friend. the two friends that i do have both have boyfriends n are preoccupied with them. im always in my room. im always in my four walls. i dont have a life outside of here. and i hate it so much.

i dont have someone i can spontaneously visit whenever i want anymore. i dont have a safe person that will always make time for me. if im sad, i dont have someone to go to. and it fuckiing sucks.

what sucks even more is when i sleep until 5 pm and check my phone to zero notifications. ts makes me go right the fuck back to sleep

i made an editing acc on tt. its cool its got like 70 smth followers so far. i really fucking hope i can make friends on there. but like. everyone in the editing community is like. 15 or 16. it just sux i used to edit at those ages too but now here i am at 18 (almost 19!) crawling back to the editing community to maybe find even a small glimpse of the happiness it gave me when i was younger. but nothing beat the feeling of dreaming of an edit in ur head all day.... waiting till school got out... running (literally) home to whip ts up on video star before i forgot it and then uploaded it and shared it amongst my little editing friends. and then i'd stay up late until 2 am or so watching and saving other edits i thought were cool. even in quarantine, i found joy in editing. november 2020 was actually the worst year of my life but also the best i miss it so much i miss the plethora of friends i used to have fuck. i miss playing identity v otp all night long with ray, i miss playing genshin in vc and doing stupid shit and farming for artifacts for hours on end with jazzy and tason and ray and gabby. my poor ipad wld overheat and my fingerprints would burn from dragging them across the hot screen but i didnt care . it was fun.

edit im not done i have more things i want to reminisce about .

ive been rewatching rick and morty and keeping up with the new seasons in the same sense that i watched it in middle school and now im crawling back to see if it brings me the same joy. and it does !. for the most part. but since justin got fired rip there's new voice actors. and it's fine honestly i dont care that much im still gna watch it but i hate how everythings changing. 13 year old me cldnt begin to fathom rick and morty losing (one of its) most renowned creator(s). like fuck. he voiced RICK AND MORTY. BOTH. like holy fuck. but its fine i guess the writings still kinda the same and the show is funny and makes me happy. i wish i had someone i cld take with me everywhere like my own little morty . i need friends.

i also miss the essence of boxed fettuchine(???) alfredo while watching r/m or camp camp at gammys house. ts was fire

i miss the roblox theme park tycoon and the chocolate cake we made that day and ate. it was so good.

i miss the lego game my cousin and i wld play. we didnt even do anything my mind just couldnt believe an open map game i haad so much fun just walking around and looking and doing absolutely nothing. and eating reheated pizzahut. and mcdonalds cookies. and funfetti boxed cake.

i miss when i had my phone taken when mom and i stayed at gammys when parents almst got divorced and i used her old iphone 5 she forgot she gave me and i had my little fandom acc on insta with my little mooties and friends and the warmth of gammys house in november fuck i miss it all i miss growing up so much i hate being an adult. i cant fucking have fun sober i dont have friends im alone nearly every single day i dont have friends in college i dont ta\lk to anyone i fucking just show up and leave without removing my earbuds.

and i know its my fsult. i know im the reason why i dont have friends. im the only reason why im like this. i only do it to myself.

im so alone and i just keep fucking regressing to find happiness because there's none here in present day thats for sure !