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cosmiccannibalcamille · 2 years

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Short Story Time!

Fun fact: in addition to be a snarky-yet-savvy astrologer and astrology writer, I also write fiction. And I recently wrote an astrology satire of "Romeo and Juliet". It's a 3-act short story, written as a journal, with lots of astrology and humor. Enjoy!

Tales of the Leo New Moon

7.28 – ♌ 🌑

Something marvelous happened today. Actually, it was both marvelous and tragic, like the movie Glitter. (Well, that film was just terrible. Tragic, even.) Today’s new moon in Leo was lighting up my natal Mars and Jupiter in Leo.

One time, Deidre, my Capricorn mentor, said that when you have a new moon positively aspecting Mars and Jupiter, you’ll encounter a potential sexy lover (Mars) / potential guru (Jupiter)—and OMG, was she right!

OK. I was at Whole Foods with my Taurus BFF Vani, even though I was adamantly against being so. I mean, Ivywild, CO has so many more amazing places to hang out than a freaking grocery store. And tbh, I had a lot better places to be than at a grocery store on a Thursday morning. Especially on this Leo new moon.

“You say that now,” Vani said with a slight tone of mocking as she parked her car, “but just wait until you see the hot guys working here.”

Hotties at Whole Foods? She must be joking.

Except she wasn’t. Vani was right: Whole Foods was teeming with hot guys. They were everywhere– in the produce department, in the front end, getting grocery carts—I mean, it was a feast of sexy fellas, an outbreak. Gorgeous guys in their jeans, button downs, and black aprons were hustling through the grocery store, rolling crates and stock carts, looking FINE as WINE. I could hardly believe it.

“See what I mean?” Vani said, noticing how my jaw had dropped at this wondrous sight.

“Yes, I do,” I said slowly, still aghast.

It had been so long since we had been around this many good-looking guys in the flesh, I almost forgot what a hot guy really looked like. (Almost. I mean, I still had my Pinterest boards of Tom Hiddleston and Robert Downey Jr. pics to stare at on lonely nights.) Anyway, Vani and I did as we normally do: we started flirting with nearly every guy asking them their zodiac signs as we pretended to shop for stuff we knew we weren't gonna buy.

Vani took 15 minutes chatting with a Scorpio barista whom she said was “sexy AF” as we ventured away from the Whole Foods cafe. (Tbh, he was not sexy. He looked like Bill Gates with a short-fade haircut. Talk about ew.) And it was when I was finishing up a rather saucy conversation with an Aries about peach jam and nectarine jelly, that I stopped short.

The hottest guy I’ve ever seen was standing in the produce section, stocking cucumbers lettuce, and other green things. He looked like an Adonis against the backdrop of lush greens and bright-colored veggies, a demi-god in a modern-day Eden… He had ocean-blue eyes; an angular–yet-slack jaw with just the right amount of groomed scruff; full lips, gauged ears, and –best of all –a man bun (gawd, I love man buns). And he was dressed in a blue flannel shirt over a white v-neck and jeans, just like an Urban Outfitters model…

He was an Adonis, and Urban Adonis.

“Oh my gawd, Vani,” I said, grabbing her arm, “look at him.”

“Ooh,” Vani said, giggling slightly, “what do you think his sign is?”

“No clue,” I said slowly as I continued to watch the guy.

Then he looked up and– OMG it was incredible. It was like he was looking not at me, but through me, and like he was just as amazed and impressed by me as I was him.

Emboldened by this and also hella curious about his sign, I marched over to where he was stocking cucumbers and lettuce to talk to him. Something swirled in the air as I did so, like a magic spell was being cast or a thread of fate was right then being sewn between us.

We stared at each other in stunned and expectant silence. Well, sorta. Internally, I was yelling at myself to say something–anything–when this genius one-liner came out:

“Er–What’s your sign?”

Urban Adonis leaned back and stared at me, and his bright blue eyes flickered with something I couldn’t read. Like, I couldn’t tell if he was taken aback, freaked out, or thankful that I had gotten to the point. (He had to be wondering about my sign too, right?)

After what felt like hours of us sitting there staring at each other in the produce section like a couple of wide-eyed, open-mouthed Precious Moments dolls, Urban Adonis tilted his head and gave me this deliciously playful-yet-wolfish look. Then, he spoke.

“What’s your sign?”

OMG even his voice was hot. Seriously. It was like a choir of hunky alto and baritone angels had come together to produce the heavenly sound that was this Adonis’s voice. And I was so taken aback by the gorgeous sound emanating from his chest that I…

Well, I stammered quite a bit, actually.

“N-no,” I stuttered, my stomach giving a nervous jolt, “I—I want to know your sign.”

Urban Adonis didn’t say anything. He folded his arms across his chest and gazed back at me. This sent my pulse racing and I felt myself flush with fever.

“I’m a Gemini,” I said.

“A Gemini,” he repeated slowly, as though tasting each letter of my zodiac name. This nearly set me ablaze and melted me into a puddle.

Growing impatient, I again asked: “So, what’s your sign? I mean, when’s your birthday?”

My tongue tumbled over the words as though they were thick oatmeal. WTF?

Urban Adonis’s brilliant blue eyes widened once more. He bit his lip, holding the lip bite for several seconds as he gave me a quick once-over. This sent little tingles up and down me.

“January,” he said, “I was born in January.”

January? WTF did he mean by January?

“What day in January?” I asked, trying to hide my confusion.

“The 26th.”

OH DEAR GOD NO.

This was the moment when my world came crashing down. This was the moment when all that sweet meet-cute crap turned sour, when the marvelous turned tragic.

“So, you’re an Aquarius?” I croaked.

Urban Adonis gave me a wolfish grin. “I guess I am.”

I nodded and smiled like you do when you hear horrible news you would have preferred not to hear but can’t let the other person know that you think the news was horrible.

How could this hottie with a body be an—Oh, I can’t even say it. It’s too tragic: the most gorgeous guy I’ve ever seen, the potential love of my life, was born under the one sign I will never be able to date (besides Scorpio).

7.29 – ♌☽ ☍ ♄ ♒ + ♃ rx

Aquarius? Urban Adonis is an Aquarius?

How can a guy as gorgeous as Urban Adonis (and who is so obviously into me), be born under the ONE sign I can’t stand (besides Scorpio)? Why? Why does the universe hate me?

I mean, OK. Of course I got Urban Adonis’s digits yesterday and he, mine. I also got his name–Tyler–but I have no intention of ever texting or calling him, let alone seeing him again.

How can I when he’s an Aquarius?

“Oh, Vani,” I moaned, “How could the universe have forsaken me with this–this disaster? I feel I’m a sailor lost at sea, with nothing steering my sails!”

“Stop being such a phlegmatic Pisces Moon right now,” Vani said, which I took great offense to; mostly because I didn’t know what she meant by “phlegmatic”, but it made me think of that giant Mucus character from those Mucinex commercials. Is that how my best friend of nearly 23 years thinks of me, as an obnoxious anthropomorphic ball of phlegm?

Anyway, it wasn’t my fault. Today’s transits had me feeling like that vile phlegm-ball (figuratively and literally: I was quite stuffy, today). First and foremost, Jupiter, the planet of luck and opportunity, stationed retrograde mere hours after yesterday’s new moon (that would explain why my luck with Urban Adonis suddenly took a turn for the worse.) Plus, the Moon was now moving towards an opposition to Saturn. My horoscope from astrology.com said that transit imparted feelings of overwhelm and restriction and I was likely to face an emotional crisis. And boy was it right: This Tyler-Aquarius stuff has me in dire straits.

Vani came over to my place to comfort me. Actually, all she really did was sit on my bed flipping through Linda Goodman’s Love Signs (I know she was looking at Taurus-Scorpio compatibility. She got that barista’s number yesterday even though I told her it was a bad idea) while I paced my bedroom, mourning this tragedy for the 800th time in the past 24 hours.

“So he’s an Aquarius,” Vani said, putting the book down, “what’s the big deal?”

“I’ve never gotten along with an Aquarius, that’s the big deal!” I cried. “Remember Keith from our high school English class who loved Swedish death metal and Heart of Darkness?”

Vani gasped. “Ew. He’s an Aquarius?”

“YES! And we hated each other,” I said, adjusting my glasses. “It’s all my Leo placements: Mars, Jupiter, Ascendant! Leo and Aquarius are opposite signs. Why do you think I tell you and every other Taurus to stay away from Scorpios?”

She thought for a moment. “Because you got spurned by a Scorpio, and have become incredibly biased towards the sign, and really, any other sign besides yours and mine?”

“That’s not true,” I huffed. “I don’t have any astrological biases. I tell you to stay away from Scorpios because they’re your opposite, just like Aquarius is Leo’s opposite.”

“Even so,” Vani said, sounding unconvinced, “you’re a Gemini, not a Leo. Aren’t Gemini and Aquarius compatible?”

“In theory, yes,” I said, “If Aquarians didn’t suck. I mean, have you seen the list of notable Aquarius celebs: Michael Bay, Guy Fieri, JOHN TRAVOLTA. Um, ew, ew, EW. More like John T-Revolting amirit?”

(OK, Travolta was hot when he played Danny Zuko, but that’s about it.)

“That one ex-Navy mechanic I dated for a week was an Aquarius, and he was a freak,” Vani said, sounding convinced. “There’s not enough foundation in the world that could cover up his weirdness. Second conversation we had, he talked about butt plugs and X-Files. He’s now a mortician. That says it all.” She shuddered. “But they can’t all be bad, can they? Tyler seemed very charming. What does his birth chart say about him?”

“I don’t wanna look!” I bellowed, covering my face. “Knowing my luck, he’ll be 50% Aquarius and 50% Scorpio, and I can’t face another disappointment like that. Not again.”

“I don’t know, you got his birthday and his phone number. I wouldn’t say that’s a disappointment,” she said, patting my leg. “Besides he wouldn’t stop staring at you the whole time you two were talking. Who cares if he’s an Aquarius? He likes you, I’m sure of it.”

As Vani returned to Love Signs, I sat on my windowsill and gazed outside.

The Moon was barely a sliver above the mountains, and pale stars speckled the night sky. Warm lights from all the bars and buildings a few miles yonder broke up the darkness.

The worst, most shameful part was that, even though he’s an Aquarius who may have some Scorpio in his chart, I liked Tyler. A LOT. He was charming and playful and sooo freaking hot. Still, he’s an Aquarius, the sign opposite my Leo Ascendant, which placed his Sun on my Descendant. Which is–oh, let me explain.

The Ascendant and the Descendant are two of four critical angles in the birth chart. One’s Ascendant (or Rising Sign) is the zodiac sign rising in the eastern horizon at the moment we take our first breath; this sign is sooo important because it rules the 1st House of the Identity and how you operate in the world. It’s basically the front door of your horoscope. Whereas the Descendant is opposite that; its sign describes the qualities of your open enemies. They possess the qualities you lack (and vice versa), which creates subconscious animosity (like the animosity that exists between Kylie and Kendall Jenner.)

It’s so hard to guess a Rising Sign. Really, you need the whole chart, but in order to know Tyler’s Rising Sign and his whole chart, I’d have to ask him what time he was born, which meant I’d have to text him, and I was firmly against texting, calling, or ever seeing him.

Still, I was curious… There was something about this guy, Tyler. He was more than just a hot guy. I mean, Whole Foods was teeming with hot guys yesterday, but Tyler and I were drawn to each other like magnets. Still, I wondered why… Why did I find him so intriguing?

It had to have something to do with fate–or, at the very least, astrology and our astrological compatibility. I mean, how else would you explain how two people could be drawn to each other in an instant?

Quickly, I reached for my phone in my back pocket and without really realizing what my thumbs were doing, I texted Tyler:

Hey, this is Camille :). Weird question, but: Do you know what time you were born?

And it happened as soon as I sent the text, like a message from heaven, he replied with only three words (and an emoji):

3:30 a.m. Why? 😏

Without replying, I inputted his birth data into the chart generator on astro.com, and–

OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG.

7.30 – ☾ ☌ ♃ in ♎

This is unreal. Honestly.

Today, The North Node of Destiny is aligning with Uranus the Awakener sometimes known as the planet of electricity and ah-ha moments. And boy, did I feel awakened and electric! Like, I feel light as air yet bubbly at the same time and led to a massive discovery. (Seriously, I felt like I was drunk this morning–but in a good way! Like, I was drunk with delirium or something.) And it wasn’t just the transits that were causing this. No, it was the fact that…

“He’s my soulmate!” I beamed as I traipsed into my fave botanical shop, Metaphysicum, where, after passing shelves of herbal teas, bath bombs, soaps and spritzes, I would find my Capricorn guru and former astrologer-turned-herbalist, Deidre.

She sat behind the counter in the middle of the store, putting labels on a few small dark vials. There were dried flowers, sprigs of herbs, and a strong scent of citrus and rosemary.

“I just mixed up this essential oil for energy and positivity,” Deidre said, apparently ignoring me and my MAJOR, LIFE-CHANGING NEWS.

“Smell.”

She handed me a vial, and I took a whiff. Suddenly, I felt even more energized.

“What is it?” I asked in awe, momentarily distracted.

“Lemon, rosemary, peppermint, pink grapefruit and sweet orange,” Deidre said. “It’s been a tricky blend. Oils can complement each other or combat each other, but the nose and the body will tell you if something isn’t right…”

“Um, ok,” I said. WTF was she talking about?

“This blend is for vim, vigor, and energy. Lately, I’ve found myself to be lacking both.” She gave me a once-over. “Though you don’t look like you need any more of either.”

Oils complement each other and bring out notes you may not have ever sensed

“This is true,” I said coyly, barely able to stand still

“Why are you bopping around like Tigger? Is this about the barista?” Deidre asked, sounding bored AF.

“No, Vani’s the one who likes him,” I said, taking a seat even though I didn’t want to sit. “This is about something–or, I should say someone else.

“And he might just be the most splendiferous someone else I’ve ever met in my entire life: Eyes like the ocean…sinewy, tatted forearms, neck and god knows what else…and a man bun to boot. Ugh, how could I have been so, so blind to Water Bearers before? How could I have not seen that one would match with a Twin Lion-Fish? In my natal chart he is my complete opposite, yet he also balances me entirely. Oh, astrology is a fickle thing, isn’t it?”

Smiling, I turn to face my Capricorn guru. Surely she would understand.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Deidre asked, sounding annoyed. “Speak English, or I won’t keep up.”

“I’ve fallen in love with the enemy, my Capricorn friend,” I continued, “an Aquarius.”

“Oh, for god sake,” Deidre groaned. “Weren’t you just enamored with a Sagittarius from a Marijuana dispensary? What was his name, Ross?”

“His name was Roz. Like I would fall for someone named Ross. Ew. And he didn’t sell weed, he worked at Natural Grocers,” I corrected. “But I’ve forgotten all about him. I now love someone much more handsome, much more electrifying, and so utterly perfect for me. Plus, he works at Whole Foods.”

“Ugh,” Deidre groaned, “you Geminis are so fickle. Before the sun even sets, you’re falling for someone new. How many more of these grocery store Ganymedes will there be before you see that for you, love has nothing to do with your heart, and has everything to do with your eyes?” She shook her head. “You see a hot guy and BAM he’s your soulmate.”

“That’s not true,” I said, stung. “It’s when I find out a guy’s sign and look at all the harmonious aspects in our compatibility chart that I think he’s my soulmate. Duh.”

Deidre can be so crusty sometimes.

“Besides, why are you chiding me for loving my Aquarius soulmate?”

“You, my friend, are doting,” Deidre said, “you’re not loving.”

“That’s not true!” I countered.

Well, maybe it was a little bit true. Tbh, I don’t know how anyone could fall in love with anyone in less than a week, but I couldn’t tell Deidre this. After all, she’s the cynical old earth sign and I’m the spritely, I-believe-in-love air sign. Right?

“How have you reached this conclusion that this guy is your soulmate, if you just hated him yesterday?” Deidre asked.

“I didn’t hate him,” I argued, “I hated his Sun sign, but I don’t hate it anymore. I realized that Aquarius is a perfect match for a Gemini like me, especially when talking about an Aquarius like Tyler.”

When I looked up his chart, I was ASTOUNDED by what I saw. Every freaking planet in Tyler’s birth chart–Sun, Moon, Venus, Mars–aligned perfectly with mine. (OK, maybe not perfectly perfectly, but they were close enough: I’m a Gemini Sun, Pisces Moon, Leo Ascendant with Venus in Cancer and Mars in Leo. And Tyler is an Aquarius Sun, Taurus Moon (#howhot) and a Gemini Ascendant with Venus in Capricorn and Mars in Aquarius; ergo: WE’RE ASTROLOGICALLY MADE FOR EACH OTHER)

“Deidre, if you’d only take a look at our synastry chart, then you would see how well this Aquarius balances me–”

“He doesn’t balance you,” Deidre interrupted. “True compatibility is based on favorable Venus-Mars, Moon-Venus, and Sun-Venus contacts.”

Blah, blah, blah. She just wanted to rain on my parade.

Honestly. Deidre can be so old sometimes. (She must be at least 53). Plus, she’s an earth sign, which means she’s crusty and pragmatic and BORING, and she has no clue what she’s talking about because she’s obviously forgotten what it’s like to have fun.

Still, I wasn’t backing down.

“Here,” I said, nearly slamming the birth charts on the counter, “read it and weep in humility and joy, for you’ll soon see how wrong you are. Tyler and I have perfect astrological compatibility. Where I have fire, he has air, and where I have water, he has earth.”

Reluctantly, Deidre took the birth charts and gave them the same judgmental stare she gives me. It was several moments before she spoke again.

“Hm,” she said, “maybe you’re not so far off, young waverer. These alignments of both your planets and astrological houses do show potential for pure love.” She put the charts down. “Even if he’s your enemy.”

“Well, on that account,” I said, nearly jumping off my seat. “I have to go tell Tyler–”

“Don’t tell him anything yet,” Deidre interrupted. “They stumble that run fast.”

I was too excited over Deidre’s confirmation to bother figuring out what the hell she had said. If only the old and crusty Capricorns listened to us Geminis more often; they would learn a thing or two about life, let me tell you. Besides, I’m the one with a soulmate, aren’t I?

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