#jellyfishlovesloki

[magicrobins]

Nova Adaar (@jellyfishlovesloki)

[bxtgrl]

maya shepard (belongs to @jellyfishlovesloki​ <3)

[angelicspaceprince]

SFW Alphabet - Good Omens Aziraphale x Reader

A/N: Here they finally are! My SFW Aziraphale Alphabet headcanons! Now these have been completed, I’m moving on to the soulmate AUs!

Tagged: @justballoonfishthings, @aethersghoulette, @inspired-is-gone, @daddy-clancy666, @yingshz, @omg-the-sex-was-amazingggg, @my--names-blurryface, @disa, @lilcutekittykat, @shawtyhadthemapplebottomjeans, @broadwayavenger, @dreaming-in-photographs, @ineffable-snek-boi, @virtualmemmecollector, @sincerelyraine, @the-bi-trash-can, @tunnel-snakesss-rule, @nashnolastname, @lucia-michaelis, @lovelesslionblog, @xs1nister, @chicken-poncho, @nastya-platini, @trelaney, @stspookers, @ghuulbabe, @jellyfishlovesloki, @greatjaygatsby, @littlebitfluffy

Headcanons

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?) Aziraphale is very affectionate, especially in passing and physical affection. A kiss to the top of the head as you rest against him, a squeeze of your hand as he walks by, a quick hug as you try to finish cooking. He loves just being in your general vicinity and, if he can, touching you in innocent ways. You tend to walk next to each other with your arm placed in the crook of his, and on occasion where you walk hand in hand, his thumb rubs firm but comforting circles on the back of your palm.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?) Aziraphale is a caring friend who is the sort of person who calls to check up on you or see something and get it for you just because. He would be the first person to call when you have a concern as he listens and discusses solutions calmly whilst being an amazing emotional support. Most likely, the friendship starts when you happen upon his ‘store’ and, after noticing that the giant ass snake was, in fact, real and that the owner didn’t seem pleased to part with his beloved books, you put your desired purchase away and simply started chatting about his book collection. It starts slowly, but soon the two of you become incredibly close.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?) He loves a cuddle. He loves spooning, actually, and he doesn’t mind which spoon he is. He just likes being pressed up against you.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?) Just like Crowley, I don’t think there is an actual moment where the two of you sit down and decide to move in together – it just sort of happens. He may say that you spend more time at his than at your place and why don’t you just move in and you bring your stuff over but in the lead up, there is no official discussion.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?) I feel that Aziraphale would really struggle to break up with their partner because he doesn’t want to cause them pain. He’d probably try and be gentle and practice with Crowley on what he was going to say. There are two ways it’ll work out – either you’d walk in on him practicing with Crowley, ask him outright, he’d start stuttering and Crowley would just be like ‘yep. He wants to break up.’ Alternatively, you’d go out for what you assume to be a date and towards the end he’d bring up how he doesn’t think it’s working out and perhaps you should return to being friends. It’d be awkward and painful to get it out of him because the entire time, you know he’s nervous about something and it’s being to irk you that you don’t know what is bothering him. What happens after either scenario is totally up to you.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?) Aziraphale is a creature of pure love, I think he’d very much would like to be married. I think the idea of marriage would be brought up within the first year of being in a relationship but being proposed too wouldn’t happen until after the 2-year mark. Ideally (in his eyes), you’d be married soon after that, but he’d go along with what you wanted. Don’t wanna get married? Guess you aren’t getting married. Want a long engagement? He’s ok with that too.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?) He is a soft boi. I don’t think he would ever intentionally hurt you, he’s just too kind and empathetic about it. He would be the sort of person who initially worries about hugging you too tight or bruising you if he accidentally knocks into you until he figures out what you are capable of handling. He knows when you need a tight hug or some more firm words, but everything he does radiates kindness and love and its very rare he will cease being gentle towards you. If anyone threatens you, however, look out.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?) Yessssss, he loves giving you hugs throughout the day as little reminders of how much he loves you or just to be close to you. They are always warm and inviting, and you constantly tease him about being secretly a battery as each time you hug, when he lets go you always feel reenergised.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?) Aziraphale, being a creature of love, wouldn’t shy away from the l-word. Most definitely the first one to say it and probably a little too soon for your liking but he wouldn’t say it unless he felt love coming from you towards him. He just didn’t realise you weren’t ready to admit that yet.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?) I think it wouldn’t take a lot for Aziraphale to become somewhat insecure, but it takes a lot for him to get jealous. Like Crowley, he trusts you not to cheat. But if someone is getting too handsy, he will simply walk up and hold your hand, maybe give you a light kiss and ask ‘who’s this, dear?’ in the hopes it will make the other person take a hint.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?) It depends. Soft and gentle in public, just enough to make you feel what he feels. In public, he likes to go full blown make out sesh. It’s almost amusing that an angel – a creature of ‘purity’ and ‘innocence’ – can get as down and dirty as he often does. He loves kissing your lips, it always feels so intimate when you do. Its his favourite spot to be kissed as well – but in public or where he knows you will be uncomfortable, he will kiss the back of your hand lightly. Same effect, just more comfortable for you.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?) Amazing with small children. He loves them and loves showing them his magic tricks, telling them stories and generally keeping them entertained. I think he’d be like the dorky dad with older kids because he’s not 100% sure on how to interact with them. I really think he’d love to be a dad and would want kids at some point in his life.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?) Mornings with Aziraphale always start with a cuppa in bed as you slowly wake up to the day. Aziraphale rarely sleeps, so he’s always up and ready before your eyes have even began to flutter open. He may talk about the book he read overnight to you, or his plans for the day, ask you what you were doing and if you want to meet up for lunch. Its quiet, peaceful. A lovely way to slowly wake up before having to address the busy day.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?) Your days always begin and end with a cup of tea and talking to Aziraphale. At night, its usually about your day, how he managed to get rid of pesky customers from buying his beloved collection, what he and Crowley got up to etc. If there is nothing to be said, you’d simply read together until you’re so tired your eyes begin to blur. Aziraphale will always spend at least the time it takes you to fall asleep with you, sometimes spooning, other times just laying next to you and, on occasion, if he wants to spend the night with you, you will lay your head on his chest as he reads to you until you doze off. He will always read you something whilst you sleep, apparently it makes you sleep better and you always appear to be calmer when you hear his voice as you sleep.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?) The whole angel thing would probably have been accidentally discovered by you. An argument with Crowley that you walk into, causing you to find out what they are, and Aziraphale would be frightened that you’d run off in fear. Instead, you ask questions. ‘What’s Heaven like? Can I see your wings? Where you alive when x, y, z happened?’ It was a relief that you were curious and accepting rather than angry and frightened. Beyond that, I feel that Aziraphale has been and always will be an open book to his loved ones. Even if he doesn’t tell you what’s on his mind, he tells you in the means of his body language. Nothing is off limits and he prefers to tell you what’s on his mind rather than let it wallow inside his brain.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?) It takes a lot for Aziraphale to get angry with you and even then, it’s not anger, its frustration. It’d probably have to do with if you aren’t able to take care of yourself or haven’t told him something that you find trivial, but he finds of the upmost importance, or if you accidentally mess up his very precise catalogue system for his books. Aziraphale doesn’t get angry, he gets ‘disappointed’, which somehow is always 10 times worse.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing or do they kind of forget everything?) Aziraphale will always remember the small things, what your favourite food is, any allergies, favourite genre of books, who you like at work and who you struggle with. The one thing he does struggle with is dates, especially when he gets distracted with things such as a new book that’s appeared that he simply ‘must have for his collection’ or the apocalypse-that-nearly-was then time escapes him. Its not that he can’t remember the date that the two of you met or it wasn’t important, but after living for over 6000 years, time is irrelevant. If you say to him ‘next Tuesday, lets do this’ then its more likely he would remember regardless if he gets distracted or not.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?) The moment Aziraphale knew that you loved him. He can feel love, as we all know, but you always seemed to radiate love when you were around him. It wasn’t until he realised the love didn’t start until he walked into your line of vision that he realised it was for him. He knew that you either didn’t know you felt this strong for him or you weren’t ready to confess it, but that was possibly the most defining moment in your relationship.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?) He wouldn’t like you to be in the line of danger. He’d probably keep you out of danger by not informing you of anything he perceives as potentially harmful in order to keep you out of it. If you find out, then somehow, miraculously, something gets in the way and you simply cannot get involved in any way. It wouldn’t be in your face ‘you can’t go’, he’d rather do a work around so you simply are unavailable when he knows you could end up being in danger.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?) Aziraphale would never, ever take you somewhere or get you something without thinking that you’d love it. Everything he does for you, it has a meaning. Everything has a thought behind it. From little things like making sure you have a steaming cup of tea/coffee/hot chocolate/whatever to wake up to, to super romantic evenings that may not go to plan but always the thought is there, Aziraphale tries his hardest to make you feel happy, important and, most importantly, loved.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?) The only thing that happens over and over again is sometimes, sometimes, Aziraphale gets so into his book that he forgets things. Again, he’s been alive for over 6000 years. Time has no meaning to him anymore and what he thinks has taken him just a night to read has actually taken him a week. You don’t get offended, you don’t interrupt even if its poor timing on either of your part. You do like to take photos as evidence, with the day’s newspaper and a clock conveniently located so you can gently tease him about it later on.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?) It doesn’t happen often, but there have been a few times where he’s gotten obsessed with his looks as a result of comments from his heavenly family or strangers around you. One of two things happen, he either becomes obsessed with the idea that he isn’t good enough for you and starts dieting because he ‘has to do it the human way’, which makes him miserable until you assure him that you love him the way he is, and he is totally handsome and sexy the way he looks. Or, he’s convinced you will leave as a result (definitely something Gabriel has told him in the past) and starts pulling out all the stops to the point that its actively annoying. The best thing about Aziraphale is, however, that you can be totally open with him. You can discuss what’s bothering him and you can tell him how you feel on the matter. Normally it takes a while and things settle down and return to the way it was, but either way the course of this can take weeks to resolve properly.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?) Aziraphale would very much be the sort of person who believes in soulmates and would feel your absence. I think he wouldn’t ever tell you that you ‘completed’ him because he doesn’t want to put any strain on you to think that you have to be a certain way to make him happy, but he definitely thinks that you are the half that makes him whole.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.) Definitely teaches you how to dance the Gavotte one rainy Sunday afternoon when you have nowhere to go. You, in turn, teach him your favourite dance. He’s not the best, but it’s definitely the most fun either of you have ever had.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?) It goes without saying that if you hate books or if you hate stories being read to you that it’d be a no-go with him. If you couldn’t read and loved being read to then he’s all for it! I think he’d struggle however, and I don’t see it working out long term. Also, if you weren’t open to try new things. Humanity is always changing and that’s what Aziraphale loves about humanity, I don’t think he’d understand if you weren’t interested in exploring new things with him because everything that’s new is super exciting to this angel.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?) He doesn’t sleep, but he does love it when you fall asleep in his arms or on his chest as he talks to you softly. He doesn’t always spend that time with you in his arms but he definitely makes sure to spend some time with you peacefully sleeping in his arms.

[fabiosofabz]

Rules: Answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you’d like to get to know better!

Tagged by @nighttimefjaeril and @clarisselily-writes and we all know my weakness is answering quizzes like this.

A: Age - 24

B: Birthplace - The desert

C: Current time - 4:16 pm

D: Drink you had last - idk, probably water.

E: Easiest person to talk to - my friends since elementary school, my partner, and the friends I've made since at college and on the interwebs. Cop out blanket answer but. Discord squad represent.

F: Favorite song - Always the favorites hhhhhh. I mean three stand out to me ass all time favorites (as in one is tattooed on my body, and another will be maybe). "Never Too Late" but Three Days Grace, "Amaryllis" but Shinedown, and "The Light" by Disturbed. Otherwise it changes a lot, and I'll go through cycles.

G: Grossest memory - Any time I've been sick, tbh. And the one time a girl threw up on me on a bus and I was the only one cleaning the seat out of a group of 30 people and everyone kept saying I was so nice and strong and I was like "bitch no one else is doing it and I don't wanna sit in puke" so yeah. (It was a great first day in Europe, and I felt sick the whole rest of the day after lol.)

H: Hogwarts house - Ravenclaw, bitch.

I: In love? N-no, b-baka

J: Jealous of people - yes and no. Everyone gets jealous because we're human but I try not to let it control me as much as it used to. But again, human. Right now, I'm not particularly jealous of anyone tho.

K: Killed someone - On roller coaster tycoon and zoo tycoon. I'll show those fuckers that diss my park.

L: Love at first sight or should I walk by again? - LOL no. Trust issues. Major trust issues and connection issues with people. Attraction and general interest, yes, but nothing I would call love.

M: Middle name - Danger

N: Number of siblings - 2 sisters, one by birth and one by adoption.

O: One wish - I want the Sanzo figure that released this year because I missed preorders. (No you're not getting something more serious I have salted enough today)

P: Person you called last - My partner.

Q: Question you are always asked - “Are you part of the college program, too?" (I'll take college over high school but also like.... I know it's because I look 16. ._. )

R: Reason to smile - You're on Candid Camera. (No one remembers that jingle? Just me? Oh ok....)

S: Song you sang last - Whatever was in my iPod or the radio last night, idk.

T: Time you woke up - I slept in but like 12:30 or something.

U: Underwear color - Black like my soul.

V: Vacation destination - Honestly anywhere, I wanna travel, but... idk I guess Japan, China, or Europe if we're talking big. But I'd also like to see more of the US and go back to Vegas again. (And Disney but Disney.)

W: Worst habit - Just one? I don't think we want to get into this list.

X: X-rays - I don't understand this question, but I am at the doctor constantly so man how many x-rays do you think I've had. I could make a damn photobook and sell it.

Y: Your favourite food - Spaghetti and marinara sauce for actual meals, but also pumpkin pie for dessert. But I do also love fried rice and stir fry veggies, those tend to be my go-to meals. Also mac and cheese and chicken nuggets.

Z: Zodiac sign - Aries

I think most people have been tagged that I know but uh..... I'll tag @heytherecocomo and @jellyfishlovesloki if you haven't done it yet because I think you guys are prolly the only ones on my friends list who wouldn't have been already tagged that I know of. Tho really also I'm gonna tag anyone who hasn't done it. Do it. And tag me. So I learn about you all, I DONT KNOW WHO YOU PEOPLE ARE ANYMORE. Also these are fun to read.

[acscenarios]

Reporting in from california #2 in the California brotherhood woop woop :p

The ranks are increasing!

[assassins-tales]

jellyfishlovesloki replied to your post “Jailbird”

you have officially broke my heart

Well now I wasn’t planning on so much carnage with this chapter.  D:

[magicrobins]

You should do the dnd asks for val 0; i vote do all of them LMAO JUST DO IT FRIEND

Mother of God…

21 Asks for D&D Characters (and OCs)

1. What influenced or inspired the creation of this character?

Lmao nothing too deep actually. I love the drow. I wanted a drow character, thus Valas was born! °˖✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧˖°

2. What is your character’s relationship with their family? Family is a word which here refers to biological relatives, close companions, and/or the individual(s) who raised them.

Biological family: Terrible. Valas’ mother and siblings were extremely abusive to him - physically, mentally, and emotionally. He despises them, fears them, yet also still cares about them. He ran away from them for a reason, though.

Close companions: For the sake of this, I’m going to just focus on Valas’ companions from his backstory (y’all can watch the episodes of The Second Breakfast Club to see his relationships with those companions ;D -nudge nudge wink wink-). In his hundred years of life, there were few individuals he grew actually close to, the first being a fellow drow named Miz’ri T’sath. The others were the first party he joined, consisting of Zintra Rastor, Hai Li, Meiros Vanhorn, Elizira Vanhorn, Dominic Crawford, and Eve Crawford. They all became like family to him, including Dominc & Eve’s extended family - Dominic’s wife, Amelia, and their daughter, Evanora. Being with that party gave him the first sense of what a family perhaps should have been like.

3. Who is the closest person to them?

Valas always becomes closest to his lovers - Miz’ri, Hai, and Meiros in his backstory. Out of those three, he was the closest to Miz’ri, whom he grew up with and knew for many many years. At the moment, out of the current party he’s with, he’s the closest to Rihiri - who belongs to @jellyfishlovesloki​, having started to open up to her after entering a friends with benfits relationship with her. I believe he’s opened up a little bit about his backstory to her, mentioning the previous party and his previous lovers, Meiros and Hai - possibly mentioning Miz’ri, not quite sure yet.

4. What were the conditions surrounding their formative years?

Terrible. Valas grew up in a hostile, abusive home. Even his father, who he thought genuinely loved him, emotionally and mentally manipulated and abused him.

5. What creature would they like to have as a pet?

He actually has a pet! She’s a large, cat-sized black spider named Spite.

6. Do they have any bad habits?

It’d be easier to say which bad habits he doesn’t have lmao! I mean honestly it’s a very large list so I won’t include everything. He self-harms, he closes himself off emotionally from others when hurting (unless it’s one of the times he just like shatters, in which case he can’t stop crying), he closes himself off from grief, he blames himself for anyone he’s ever hurt that he’s cared about - even if it wasn’t his fault. Aaaaand a lot more shit.

7. Is there anyone they’d die for? Kill for?

Absolutely! He’d die for and kill for the same people, let’s be honest. And as much as he’d deny it, it’s not a short list. There’s Miz’ri, Meiros, Hai, Zintra, Elizira, Dominic, Eve, Amelia, Evanora, Rihiri, and Zaegar - who belongs to @nutellanewt​. Eventually, as we get farther into the campaign, he could feel this way about other current party members or NPCs.

8. Who was their first love?

Miz’ri, who to elaborate is a drow warlock and Valas’ childhood friends. I love her so much and their relationship so much. It’s the kind of love that can always be rekindled whenever they see each other again and just, ugh that just gives me all the happy feels. (♥ω♥ ) ~♪

9. How would this character react to someone confessing their love for them?

Depends on who for like whether or not he’d be surprised or just like “wtf.” But genuinely nowadays, he’d be surprised. He wouldn’t admit if he feels the same way. He’d insist that the person deserves better than him, that he’s not a good person, etc. In his experience, he feels he just brings those he loves pain.

10. How old is this character?

Currently he’s one-hundred and one years old!

11. Are they normally peaceful or aggressive?

Aggressive as fuuuuuuuck. Growing up in the drow society, he’s learned to just default as hostile.

12. How does this character handle stress?

Not well. He likes to think he’s good at hiding it, but too much anxiety and it shows. Under too much stress and he just goes into fight or flight.

13. Does your character consider themselves lucky?

Nope. With all he’s been through, he’d say he’s quite unlucky.

14. What is their favorite holiday?

He doesn’t really care for holidays?

15. What is the best gift they could receive?

LOVE, PATIENCE, AND UNDERSTANDING. He just needs people to love him, be patient with him, and understand the pain he goes through practically on a daily basis.

16. If they could instantly kill one person in the world without consequence, who would it be?

Himself.

17. If they were in possession of a trio of wishes, what would their three wishes be?

He would wish for Dominic, Eve, and his father to have never died.

18. What is their favorite spell or method of attack?

He doesn’t have spells. He’s a rogue assassin. His favorite honestly goes back to the previous party he was in. He would run toward Zintra, and jump onto her shield, where she would use her strength to push him up and propel him into the battle with his daggers drawn.

19. What are their guilty pleasures?

Cuddling Rihiri or lying on Zaegar’s back as he does push-ups. Don’t judge him.

20. What is something this character is or could be addicted to?

From my personal experience, self harming can be a form of addiction. I’d say he’s quite addicted to that. Possibly sex too, but idk about that for sure.

21. Have you actually played this character yet?

Yep! I’ve played him in every D&D session I’ve been in so far.

[magicrobins]

Julian/Jaal + "Hold me I’m cold…oh god you are VERY close is that my heart or freaking sonic stuck in my chest”

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

Julian Ryder x Jaal Ama Darav. Mass Effect Dual AU. 1,013 words. Includes @jellyfishlovesloki‘s Zaal. Mentions @bxtgrl‘s Gabby Ryder. More under the cut. AO3. | Jaal Ama Darav Appreciation Week 2017 by @magicrobins.

I can’t come up with cool titles so you get song lyrics instead. Every damn time. But they’re cute lyrics okay. (ﾉ･д･)ﾉ

Each time he visited Voeld, Julian became more and more certain that this wasn’t home. He’d visited Antarctica once – it’d been a mission of his to step foot on every continent on Earth. He remembered Scott complaining about freezing his ass off and insisting they book the next flight to Australia’s beaches. He hadn’t compared the data yet, but he was certain that Voeld was colder and his brother would surely murder him if he ever took him here.

He could have used an Australian beach right now. He sat in the Nomad now, trying to defrost from their latest outing on the frozen wasteland planet. If there was anything that could make him dislike the cold, it would be Voeld. Perhaps he was just resentful and projecting those feelings onto the planet. He grew more and more resentful of their situation – years in cryo, no way to turn back, and without a place to call home – with every uninhabitable planet they discovered.

He took his helmet off and set it at his feet. Ivory was driving so he could sit back and relax – or rather try to. He wasn’t very good at the relaxing part. Jaal sat next to him, looking cold but far warmer than the young Pathfinder. Julian’s brows knit together in confusion, trying to figure out how he could possibly feel colder than Jaal looked. Surely his suit should have provided more insulation than the angaran’s.

Jaal must have felt his eyes on him, curiously meeting his gaze. “Is there something wrong?”

“You look warm.”

Jaal, who was already feeling warmer because of the Nomad’s heating, frowned faintly, reaching forward and cupping Julian’s face with a gloved hand. “Are you still cold?”

Julian admittedly felt his face heat up. “Um yes?” He found it hard to think, to focus when he was near Jaal. His thoughts became blurred, his heart thumped in his chest. The desire to get closer to Jaal was deafening, overwhelming.

And suddenly he was closer to Jaal. He was pulled closer to the angaran – Jaal’s arms wrapping around him and holding him close. Sometimes he forgot how the angara wore their emotions on their sleeves, how this was probably something normal for Jaal to do and not awkward in any way. Still, Julian found himself wide eyed and blushing.

“Smooth,” he heard Drack chuckle under his breath.

His first thought was that this must have been a sign of his growing friendship with Jaal. Angara liked hugging and perhaps this meant Jaal was comfortable enough around him to show this kind of affection. The second thought practically shoved the first one out of the way.

Jaal was close to him – very close. A loud, frantic rhythmic thumping filled his ears, and briefly he wondered if it was his heart or Jaal’s – he thought he was close enough that he could possibly hear Jaal’s heart – before he realized it timed perfectly with the thudding in his chest.

He noticed Zaal giving him two thumbs up, but he couldn’t focus. His mind was trying to catch up to his heart, trying to process the emotions he felt.  He didn’t know if he could take this as a sign that Jaal might return his affections or not. Wide, surprised eyes locked on Zaal, he definitely planned on talking to the other man about this later to see if he could help him decipher what had happened. He didn’t think Drack would want to talk about his feelings for Jaal.

He thought he heard Jaal say something but took a moment to register his words.

“Is this better?”

“Yeah!” Julian winced at his pitch. Did his voice sound high to anyone else? He was too embarrassed to ask. His heart felt like it was beating too fast, too strong, but it must have been his imagination or he was being overdramatic because SAM wasn’t notifying him on any sudden heart condition. This wasn’t the first time. His heart had sped up like this around Jaal before and around Gil and Reyes too.

Was this what people meant when they said someone made their heart race? Gabby had once said that about Liam to him. He had advised her to schedule a checkup with Lexi. Now he thought he understood how she felt better. Looking back, he thought his advice probably hadn’t been the best.

“Are you alright?” Jaal asked, bringing the Pathfinder back to reality. He was watching Julian, concern back in his eyes. Julian wondered if he looked as freaked out as he felt. He didn’t know why else Jaal would be asked that. And while he didn’t register that Jaal looked and sounded concerned, he guessed the angaran was because why else would he ask if he was alright?

“Do I not look okay?” he countered, genuinely curious. He’d been practicing expressing emotions with Liam – sometimes some of his other companions helped out too �� but he wasn’t sure how much that practice was actually paying off.

“You look like you’re having an um…” Jaal trailed off, obviously trying to figure out what the right words were. He glanced to Zaal and Drack for help.

Anxiety attack? Zaal signed, looking concerned too. He had clearly caught on to the same signs Jaal had.

Jaal nodded. “That!” He began to pull away, remembering that Julian was uncomfortable with and got anxiety from physical closeness with someone he didn’t know all that well.

Julian just stared at him, unable to express that he didn’t want Jaal to pull away.

“I wouldn’t do that,” Drack advised.

Jaal just looked confused. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

Julian quickly shook his head.

“Oh,” Jaal still sounded confused, but wrapped his arms back around the Pathfinder.

Julian shifted closer to Jaal, curling up at his side and resting his head against him. He didn’t have his headphones to listen to music and calm his racing heart and mind, but he closed his eyes and tried to focus on the sound of Jaal breathing and their hearts beating together.

It sounded like music to him.

[magicrobins]

The Stars Are In Shock

Godaey Jabil. Star Wars: The Old Republic [Dual AU]. 1,094 words. More under the cut. AO3.

Summary: Godaey’s reaction to Master Orgus’ death.

Includes @jellyfishlovesloki‘s Xeleth Jabil.

I just got to this part in the game and I’m not okay. :’D

He stared down at the body in front of him. He’d taken on Lord Nefarid with only T7 at his side, having directed Xeleth to take Kira and Erika with her and destroy the Death Mark machine. In a different time, he would have asked nicely – he would have kept Kira or his cousin at his side. But instead he’d snapped at his cousin, using her love for him and the fact that the Death Mark was targeting him to get her to listen to him. Though there was no doubt in his mind that the moment she returned with the two Padawans, her priority would be making sure he was okay – both physically and emotionally. He didn’t think she’d believe any lie if he claimed he was fine.

He was far from fine.

Lord Nefarid had been a formidable opponent. Normally he didn’t like killing – he wished his foes would surrender so he wouldn’t have to strike them down. But Nefarid?

He’d enjoyed striking him down. And he was going to enjoy killing Darth Angral. They deserved to die for all the lives they had harmed – they deserved to die for his Master. He thought killing Master Orgus was the last mistake Darth Angral would ever make. It would be the last life the Sith would ever take, if he had anything to say about it.

In all his life, Godaey had never felt such anger. He’d never felt such a drive to end someone’s life as he had when Nefarid had shown his face. He’d never been taught what to do with that anger – Jedi were supposed to stay calm, to not fight with their emotions. But he’d wielded his anger like he wielded his lightsaber. He had cut Nefarid down not just with his lightsaber, but also a roar of anger.

And now? Now, he felt sore. He took a couple steps back, moving away from the Sith Lord’s body before stumbling and falling to his knees. He caught himself, his arms shaking as he held himself up. He heard T7 beeping at him and sensed the little droid was coming closer to him, concerned for him. He made out beeps that sounded like the droid was contacting Xeleth, either letting her know the battle was won or telling her that her cousin was far from okay – the latter, however, was a fact the young woman probably already knew.

He couldn’t focus on whatever else T7 was saying, the droid now trying to talk to him, perhaps even scanning him for any physical injuries. There was a sad edge to the droid’s beeps. T7 was mourning too. And like his Jedi companion, T7 didn’t seem to know what to do now.

Godaey hadn’t known his Master for that long. But Orgus had taken him in, guided him, had faith in him from the beginning. No, he hadn’t known his Master for as long as others – such as Kira and Master Kiwiiks – but time didn’t always dictate how strong a bond could be. And time didn’t say he couldn’t grieve.

But time hadn’t taught him how to grieve.

He’d been young when he’d lost his aunt and uncle. He barely remembered their lives, let alone their deaths. He remembered hearing about the deaths of Kyle’s parents, a couple of troopers he’d met through his own parents. But he hadn’t been there for their deaths. He hadn’t witnessed their deaths. He hadn’t witnessed his aunt and uncle’s deaths.

Life hadn’t prepared him for this – for a loss like this. Life hadn’t taught him how to handle it. His parents had, in a way, sheltered him from grief, from pain like this. And now he didn’t know what to do with it.

His hands were balled into fists, his forehead against the hard, cold floor. He shook with sobs, wishing he could wake up from this nightmare. It wasn’t just the pain that held him down, but fear. He was afraid of what he would do when he got his hands on Darth Angral, and he was afraid of what he had done to Lord Nefarid. He’d taken the man’s life and still felt no remorse for him. With the other Siths, he’d been remorseful, wishing they could be like Lord Praven and change their ways, joining the Light Side.

But he was so glad that Nefarid was dead. And that scared him. It wasn’t right, but he couldn’t shake that feeling away – he couldn’t shake the relief he felt at Nefarid’s death, the satisfaction. He couldn’t shake the anger at Darth Angral. He couldn’t shake the need for revenge.

He heard footsteps and reached for his lightsaber. As they drew closer, he activated the lightsaber and swung, jumping to his feet. He put his fear, anger, and his grief into the swing of his saber. He stopped cold as he realized who it was, the blade of his saber mere inches from Xeleth. She looked startled for a brief moment – Erika’s hands even went to the hilts of her two lightsabers on instinct. Within seconds, Xeleth’s expression softened into understanding, sympathy. After all, he hadn’t been the only one to loose Orgus.

He turned his lightsaber off and dropped it, defeat causing his shoulders to slump. Instantly she was there, her arms around her cousin. He clung to her, burying his face against her shoulder.

“I should go with you,” he’d said to his Master. He’d felt a sinking feeling in his stomach, something – perhaps the Force – telling him not to leave his Master’s side, but Orgus had been insistent. The older man had insisted that he was needed with Xeleth, Erika, Kira, and T7. He’d insisted that the five of them would be needed to infiltrate the Imperial base and destroy the Death Mark machine.

Perhaps Orgus had known he wouldn’t be making it back from Angral’s ship. Perhaps he’d known his former Padawan would meet the same fate, had they gone together. Perhaps he’d insisted Godaey stay with the others to protect him.

But perhaps and maybes didn’t take the pain away.

Godaey felt Xeleth’s grip tighten as if to reassure him that she was still there, and he heard her whispering apologies to him, quiet so that the words would remain between them. It created the feeling that they were back at home, that perhaps this had been just a nightmare he’d woken up from.

He begged the Force for this to be nothing more than a nightmare, but he knew in his heart that this was anything but that.

[magicrobins]

The Toy Dragon

Valas Telenna & various others [see below]. Dungeons & Dragons [Band of Misfits]. 4,272 words. More under the cut. AO3.

Summary: Valas’ past and present collide.

Other characters: Meiros Vanhorn, Zintra Rastor, Dominic Crawford, Eve Crawford, Evanora Crawford, Elizira Vanhorn, Hai Li, Rihiri Valtari (@jellyfishlovesloki), Zaegar Steelheart (@nutellanewt), Sefhana Brenlynn (@bxtgrl), & Bilbo Swaggins (@theoneandonlyfloozyjesus).

Note: Set in a world created by our wonderful DM (@iodine-kisses).

His ears were ringing. Valas turned on Dominic, annoyed by the young man’s proud grin. His friend’s wavy dark hair had been put up in a bun – the fact that the bard had taken the time to tie his hair up during a fight was irritating in itself. Meiros was already at Valas’ side, searching the drow for injuries to heal.

“Next time you blast a dragon off of me, how about you warn me to cover my ears?!” from the way that Dominic laughed and Meiros winced, Valas guessed he was yelling. It took Meiros a few minutes to get his ears to stop ringing.

In the meantime, Dominic was looking down at the carcass of a dragon and still grinning widely. “I killed that.”

His twin sister, Eve, rolled her eyes. “We helped.”

“But I landed the killing blow!” he countered, causing his sister to roll her eyes again. “I can’t wait to go home and tell my daughter her daddy’s a dragon slayer!”

“Baby dragon.”

All party members looked to Hai, who was the next to get Meiros’ attention, though he often fought from a distance and thus avoided most harm. The sorcerer’s familiar, a raven named Obsidian, sat for once quietly on his shoulder.

Dominic’s grin was starting to fade. “What?”

“You killed a baby dragon,” Hai stated matter-of-factly, nodding toward the carcass.

Dominic didn’t look all that proud anymore. “Well – well you guys helped kill it!”

Eve put on her best sympathetic sister act and clapped Dominic on the shoulder. “But brother, you landed the killing blow.”

“You’re the great dragon slayer!” Elizira chimed in, exchanging a grin with Zintra, who shook her head.

Valas thought Dominic looked like he would cry.

“I didn’t want to kill a baby!”

“It did attack me,” Valas pointed out. He felt Hai sling an arm around his shoulders – the sorcerer’s other arm rested across Meiros’ shoulders. It was an affectionate attempt to keep both men near him, though it also prevented Meiros from walking over and healing the other members of their party.

“Well we couldn’t have that,” Elizira teased and chuckled at the unimpressed look Valas shot her.

Zintra picked up her shield, slinging it onto her back, signaling that it was time for their group to continue farther into the cave. After all, they had a serial murderer to hunt. As she passed Dominic, she patted him on his arm, “Don’t worry. We’ll tell your daughter you slayed an evil adult dragon.”

No, no, no. This couldn’t have been happening. Not again. Not again.

Valas’ hands shook, covered in blood – in her blood, in his blood.

Just a few feet away, her body lay lifeless. She was looking in his direction, arm outstretched as if to beg him to stop, lips parted in a silent plead to spare her brother. Her eyes were wide with shock and tears stained her cheeks, marking her with the heartache, the pain of betrayal. But her eyes were also dim, lifeless. The midsection of the dress the alchemist wore, once a beautiful shade of green, was darkened and soaked with crimson. He could see where the blade had pierced her from behind all the way through to stick out the other end. Perhaps if the blade had been left in, she would have had more time. More time to struggle to live. More time to helplessly watch her brother die.

Just a few feet away, Eve stared lifelessly at him, lips parted as if to ask why he knelt over her brother’s dying body.

Underneath him, Dominic was dying. He was dying fast, the blade having pierced his heart from the front. The blade was still in him. That blade – Valas’ blade.

Valas’ hands shook as he removed the blade. Leaving it in wouldn’t have made a difference. The others were too far away. Meiros was too far away. He wouldn’t get there in time to heal Dominic. None of the others even knew what was happening. None of them knew of the danger. None of them knew about the death and the dying.

He frantically took his cloak off and bunched it together, pressing it against the wound. Dominic whimpered against the pain. Valas felt his heart tear. Tears were in the corners of Dominic’s eyes – some escaped. Valas didn’t even register that he, himself, was crying too. He didn’t register that he was practically sobbing.

Not again.

For a split second, he didn’t see Dominic underneath him. He saw an older man – a drow with short silver hair, not quite white. He saw his hands around the hilt of a dagger. The drow reached up, touching his cheek with bloody fingers. He felt his mother’s presence behind him, looming over him. He saw the disgust on his father’s face beneath him.

“I should have killed you. You should be dead.”

And suddenly it wasn’t his father but Dominic underneath him. Dominic, staring up at him with sad eyes, but still with that caring look of a young father, of a friend, watching someone break. Dominic reached up, his arm shaking with the effort, his fingers and hand bloody from trying to hold his own wound and stop the bleeding he knew in his heart wouldn’t stop.

He weakly cupped his hand against Valas’ tearstained cheek. Valas’ eyes snapped from the wound to him.

“It’s going to be okay,” Dominic managed to get out, his voice quiet, weak. Each word was a struggle, but he looked determined not to die and leave them unsaid. “It’s not… your fault.”

Valas became aware of his own sobbing. “I’m so sorry.”

Dominic tried to shake his head but didn’t have the strength to. “Now you’re fond of me.” He put on his best smile but it wavered. He looked afraid of dying. He looked like a man desperate to live but with no cards left in the deck, no more moves to make.

Valas wanted to tell him he thought of the bard as one of his best friends but the words caught in his throat. He choked out a sob, gently grabbing Dominic’s hand and holding it against his cheek.

“Valas,” Dominic stressed, “Promise me… Promise me you’ll see my daughter.”

Valas started to shake his head.

“See my little Evanora,” he insisted, “She’ll need her – she’ll need her Uncle Val to show her…” He coughed up blood but refused to stop talking. “Show her how to survive… How to survive this cruel world. Tell her – tell her about her Auntie Eve. Tell her about the hero she was, smart and brave…” His words became slower, his eyes dimmer. “Tell her… Tell her that her daddy was a dragon slayer…”

Though he wanted to refuse, Valas slowly nodded. “I’ll tell her about the hero he was too.”

That made Dominic smile. “I always wanted to be a hero…”

With that, Dominic took his last breath.

It had been roughly one year. For roughly a year, he had tried not to think about Dominic or Eve, about any of the others he’d left behind. He’d chosen to run and had never stopped. He had sometimes taken odd jobs – assassinations usually – to earn money so he could feed himself and Spite – the spoiled spider had quite the appetite. But he was used to those jobs requiring only himself. It had been roughly one year since he’d worked in a party.

Now he found himself surrounded by strangers – Rihiri, a tiefling druid; Zaegar, a half-orc monk; Bilbo, a halfling rogue; and Sefhana, a half-elf ranger who he was fairly certain was the most annoying half-elf he’d ever met. Of course he pretended not to remember their names – he didn’t plan on sticking with them for long. They just needed to slay this beast, this… Well he remembered their names, not the beast’s. It was progress.

Still, those memories lingered in his mind. When battle began, his first instinct was to turn to Elizira and give her the mischievous grin that she knew was him asking her to lay down cover fire so he could get close to the enemy as safely as possible.

But Elizira wasn’t there. Instead when he turned he met Sefhana’s gaze. He’d just met her not too long ago, but he assumed it was safe to say they weren’t going to get along.

Where he expected to see Zintra charging into battle, sword drawn, he saw Zaegar, reigning his fists down rather than a blade. Where he expected to see Dominic and Eve concocting some crazy plan that might get everyone killed but hey, at least they’d look good doing it, he saw Rihiri throw Bilbo and the halfling land ungracefully with his face against the ground. Where he expected to see Obsidian swooping down and pecking at enemies, he saw a large bear that had accompanied Rihiri.

And where he expected to see his lovers taking up the rear – Meiros with his crossbow, Hai with his staff and magic – he saw nothing but an empty space. Trees stood where he thought his lovers should have been.

He decided he didn’t like it here with these people early on. It was too familiar yet foreign, working with a group yet a group he had never known before. He’d learned to work in sync with his previous party, with his… friends.

He thought back to that party, to those faces he’d learned to affectionately call his friends – a couple of them more than friends. He thought back to first meeting Zintra, to hunting down that monster. He thought back to being by Zintra’s side as she recruited each of the others. He thought back to the nights they’d spent around a campfire, Dominic creating lyrics to songs on the spot that made no sense but made everyone laugh.

He thought back to Eve, staring lifelessly, silently pleading at him to spare her brother. He thought back to Dominic, to making a promise he couldn’t keep.

He decided that he wouldn’t allow himself to enjoy it here with these people. He wouldn’t allow himself to get close, to stay. He would leave them behind as soon as he collected his money. He didn’t need any more friends. He didn’t need anyone caring about him. He didn’t need the blood of those he cared about on his hands anymore.

He looked around at the group of strangers he didn’t want to get to know. He thought that if he wasn’t in their lives, then certainly their lives would be longer.

Valas stared down at the toy in his hand – a small, wooden dragon. It was clearly a child’s toy, and he had no clue why it was on a corpse unless… He stood up and turned from the corpse, not wanting to find out if it was of a child or an adult. He stared at the little dragon, stirring a memory he’d tried hard to push down.

He saw Dominic using one of his daggers to carve a twig into a crude tiny little spear. He carved it too thin, of course, and it just fell apart the moment he tried to stab a piece of meat with it. Eve playfully rolled her eyes.

“You should leave the woodcarving to the, well, the woodcarvers,” she teased.

He saw himself snatch the dagger back and investigate the blade. “Keep taking my daggers and you’re going to dull the blades.”

Dominic shrugged. “If I want to be a woodcarver, I need to practice.”

Zintra looked up from her meal and cocked an eyebrow. “You want to be a woodcarver?”

Dominic grinned cheekily. “Maybe, maybe not.”

Eve playfully shoved him. “If you were a woodcarver, Evanora would have more toys than she does.”

“She has plenty of toys!” Dominic protested, “Her Auntie Eve spoils her.”

This time it was Eve’s turn to grin. “Well I have to be her favorite relative.”

Dominic barked out laughter at that.

“You should make her a toy dragon,” Elizira chimed in, “After all her daddy’s a dragon slayer.”

Dominic opened his mouth to agree when Eve added, “And it’d be small enough to be a baby dragon.” Dominic shot her a sour look and the party erupted in laughter around the small campfire they had built.

And suddenly Valas was staring at a small, wooden toy. A little dragon in his hands. And he was back in the cave with a different party, a different set of faces. The only familiar thing was Spite, perched on his shoulder, staring at him with her multitude of eyes. For the first time in roughly a year, he slipped the toy into his bag with one thought on his mind.

Evanora would like this.

You’ve got to be kidding me, Valas wanted to say, staring defiantly at the half-orc in front of him. Was it truly the only way to get what they needed? Couldn’t they just kill them all and go about their lives? Did he really need to give this up?

Of course he did. He mentally reminded himself that this was life and life was never kind, at least not for long. Anything kind would surely be taken away from him – kind gestures, kind moments, kind people. It would all become memories soaked in blood. It always had.

He thought he saw Sefhana look like she was going to try to swipe it from him. Which would have been ridiculous in his opinion, trying sleight of hand out on a rogue. But then Zaegar had his attention again – he told himself the monk could easily get his attention just because he was shirtless. He refused to think any farther into that.

The next words out of the drow’s mouth was a price. It was a ridiculous price that anyone in their right mind wouldn’t pay. It was a silly item that wasn’t even worth half that amount. At first he didn’t think he’d heard correctly when Zaegar agreed. But as he saw the coin, he realized he’d somehow walked right into a deal that should have greatly pleased him. He’d never reluctantly taken money before. But as he put on his best cocky grin and traded the small item for the gold, he felt just that – reluctance.

He watched as the wooden toy, the little dragon was given away so they could continue on and finish their quest. He told himself it was for the best. He didn’t ever plan on seeing the Crawfords again. He hadn’t even been there for Dominic and Eve’s funerals, having ran away as they had been traveling to take the bodies home.

He told himself he didn’t deserve to take such a gift to little Evanora, who would be eleven by now. He didn’t deserve to hand her a toy with the same hands that had been soaked in her father and aunt’s blood. He didn’t deserve to see her smiling face again, to be graced with her presence again. He didn’t deserve to have such innocence in his life.

He told himself it was for the best.

He pretended that celebrations bored him, but rather they made him uncomfortable. He didn’t think he deserved to be celebrated, and he guessed the townsfolk might have felt odd, having a drow in the party they were cheering on. Or perhaps it was such a small town that they didn’t care. He found it hard to keep track of every place that despised his race.

He watched the others have fun, mostly sticking to the shadows or eating when he felt hungry. Receiving gifts from the townsfolk wasn’t something he was used to or expected. All he’d wanted was to get paid so he could leave, but free food was free food.

He rummaged through the gifts, not quite caring about them and halfheartedly putting them away in his bag. He froze, though, when he noticed a small, wooden toy. It lifted the little dragon up and inspected it. He wasn’t sure if it was new or the same one. But either way, somehow he now held a toy dragon in his hands. He glanced around, trying to figure out who was responsible for it – it couldn’t have been a coincidence. But to his knowledge, no one was giddily watching him, waiting for him to see the toy. To his knowledge, no one cared.

He glanced to Spite – he guessed that if spiders could shrug, she would have – before carefully placing the toy in his bag.

He wondered who he would owe for this. It wasn’t a coincidence, he was sure of it. And nothing in life came free. Someone knew about the toy, knew what it had meant to him though he hadn’t spoken it. Someone had gone out of their way to get either the same one or a new one and give it to him. He thought someone clearly wanted something from him, but what? He didn’t know, and he wasn’t looking forward to finding out.

He knew this city. He realized that the instant his stomach dropped and he felt sick. He’d been traveling around with Rihiri, Zaegar, Sefhana, and Bilbo for a little over a year now, and he’d been praying to the goddess that they wouldn’t journey to this city. Perhaps this was Lolth’s way of punishing him for not being devout.

It was a big city, but he doubted luck was on his side. He pretended not to know where shops or inns were. He pretended not to know the city, but he was quieter than usual. This city brought back memories that should have put a smile on his face but instead tore at his heart. This city made him look at his hands and see red.

He stood outside a vendor, one he recognized and resisted the urge to groan. He remembered almost punching this vendor for trying to swindle him out of his money while stating not so kind words about drow. The only thing that had kept him from decking the man had been Hai, gently but firmly grasping his arm and pulling him away. He remembered also hearing the man scream something about his hair being on fire.

His hair had clearly grown back – he looked as irritating as ever. He eyed Valas, but kept most of his attention on Rihiri and Zaegar, though technically Bilbo was the one talking to him. The man’s eyes were nervous glued to the tiefling and half-orc, who looked intimidating from his angle. It probably didn’t make the man feel comforted to see the party was trailed by a bear and a wolf.

Valas, however, hadn’t realized he’d neglected to put his hood up. Every now and then the man glanced at him as if he thought he might have recognized him before his attention snapped back to the druid and monk. Valas was tempted to tell Bilbo to steal whatever he needed while the merchant was preoccupied.

“Uncle Val!” he heard a familiar shriek and felt something – or rather someone – collide with him and refuse to let go. He looked down to find a twelve year old girl with wavy red hair tied up in pigtails. Though he hadn’t seen her in a few years and hadn’t expected her to recognize him, he knew instantly who she was.

Evanora.

She released him from her hug and his eyes darted around, searching the crowd for the face of her mother, Amelia. He didn’t see her which both relieved and concerned him. He didn’t think he could face her – the last time he’d seen her, she’d told him and Zintra to bring her husband back safely. However he also didn’t think Evanora should be out without her mother.

He knelt down in front of the little girl, not quite sure what to say. She looked up at his companions and gave a small wave with a big grin before her attention was back on him. Her grin wavered.

“Do you remember me?” her voice cracked, setting off alarms in his head. She was pure, innocent, a child. She didn’t deserve to be sad.

“Yes – Yes, of course I do!” he said quickly, watching with relief as a smile returned to her face. He swallowed down his emotions and tried to put on a smile of his own, cupping her face in his hands. “Look at how big you’ve grown! Why you’re practically an adult!”

She giggled at that. “Mommy lets me go grocery shopping by myself!”

He doubted that was true. Amelia was a protective mother, even though the city was fairly safe and most in it knew and were fond of the Crawford family. “Does she now? You must be so brave to walk these streets alone!”

She grinned and bounced up and down, her pigtails bouncing with her. “I am! I am!” It was clear she had her father’s energy. When she stopped bouncing, she looked at him as if searching for something. “Where have you been?”

He felt like she’d stabbed him with one of his own daggers. If only, he thought.

“I uh…” he tried to think of something, “I’ve um – I’ve been on a secret mission.”

She gasped. “A secret mission?!”

“Shhh, Evanora,” he gently hushed her, “It’s a secret.”

She made a big O with her mouth and quickly nodded her head.

“I’m actually still on it,” he explained. He didn’t like lying to her, but he thought lying was one of the things he did best.

“Why are you here?” she asked curiously.

He thought of that small toy and swung his backpack off his shoulder. “I’ve got a gift for you.” He reached in and gently took the dragon toy out, handing it to her.

She gasped and took it, grinning from ear to ear.

He smiled, genuinely and affectionately. “Now when you look at this,” he spoke up to get her attention again, “I want you to remember you daddy, okay?”

“My daddy?”

He nodded. “You see, your daddy and Auntie Eve, they were brave, brave heroes. The bravest this world will ever know! And your daddy – Why, he was a dragon slayer!”

Her eyes widened. “He was?”

Valas found himself mirroring her grin. “He was! I was attacked one time by this evil evil dragon, and your daddy saved my life!”

“Can I tell Mommy that story?” she asked eagerly.

He thought that it was only because she was young and distracted by her excitement that she didn’t ask him to come with her. “Of course!”

She threw her arms around him, and he found himself hugging her back and not quite wanting to let go. He didn’t want to leave her in the past again. But he had to let go. If he stayed, she would only get hurt. And she would hate him if she ever found out the truth. He stood up and watched her bounce off to find her mother.

He felt eyes on him and, unsurprisingly, found the others had been watching. He didn’t blame them. In their shoes, he probably would have watched too.

“She’s the daughter of someone I knew,” he explained without needing to be asked.

“A friend?” Rihiri asked. During their nights spent together, he had opened up to her a couple of times, though he’d kept majority of the details to himself.

“I don’t have friends,” he stated firmly, though he was fairly certain the look Sefhana gave him translated to bullshit. “Not… anymore.” He didn’t think he’d ever admitted that he’d once had friends before. At least not to anyone but Rihiri. He thought the silence that followed was awkward and uncomfortable. “You can ask what happened.” His own voice sounded demanding even to him, as if he wanted them to accuse him of what they didn’t know had happened.

Zaegar smiled softly at him – Valas thought he smiled too much, and on that note, flexed too much too, not that he would ever tell the monk to stop. He liked watching him smile and flex. “You’ll tell us when you’re ready.”

Valas pulled his gaze away. He wanted them to accuse him. Murderer. Monster. Traitor. He wanted those words screamed at him, spoken like the truth they were.

“He died,” he stated it, his voice cold yet shaking, the sorrow he’d never allowed himself to grieve threatening to shatter the ice he’d put between himself and his heart. “He died with his sister. They were murdered.”

“I’m sorry,” Bilbo spoke up before the others could, but it was clear that even Sefhana sympathized.

Valas found he couldn’t stop talking, speaking words he didn’t want to. “When we first met, I… I was on a quest to avenge them. I’ve sworn to kill the man who killed them.” Before any of them could offer to hunt someone down, he added, “It’s something that I must do. And eventually I’ll get the chance to. Until then, it doesn’t matter.”

“If we run into him, tell us and we can help,” Rihiri promised, and Valas looked away.

He didn’t have the heart to tell them they had already met that man.

“Thank you,” he said instead, “But I’ll kill him… When I’m strong enough, he’ll die.”

He didn’t have the heart to tell Rihiri that this was linked to the bandages she’d seen around his arms and wrists. He didn’t have the heart to tell her that this was linked to the scars and cuts she’d seen on his arms, wrists, waist, and thighs. He didn’t have the heart to tell any of them that he was talking about himself.

[magicrobins]

Bull: [gushing about red heads and pink]

Nova: [exists with her red hair and newly made pink armor] ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

Bull: [fumbles mid-sentence, tripping over his own feet]

Nova: ∠( ᐛ 」∠)＿

Galen: I see what you did there.

Nova: (*^▽^*)

[magicrobins]

Julian/Jaal/Zaal Headcanons Pt.1/?

Note: Julian is in a committed open relationship with Jaal, and Jaal is also in another committed open relationship with @jellyfishlovesloki‘s companion oc, Zaal. Julian and Zaal are also very good friends. Most of these headcanons are from Julian’s POV.

When distracted, Julian’s been known to get Jaal and Zaal’s names mixed up. He’ll direct a question about angaran culture to Zaal and be surprised when he doesn’t hear a response before looking up and realizing, with some embarrassment, he got the names mixed up.

He’ll also accidentally send a message meant for Zaal to Jaal and vice versa.

Julian once commented on how Jaal and Zaal’s initials together are JZ and then proceeded to give a Power Point presentation on who Jay Z was.

Jaal adores when he has Zaal on one side, Julian on the other side and his arms around both young men. He loves when both young men fall asleep, curled up at his sides. The trio have been known to be found, sleeping like this on couches and occasionally in the Pathfinder’s quarters.

When Jaal first joined the crew, Julian helped Zaal teach him sign language so Zaal and Jaal could communicate.

Julian and Zaal have been known to platonically cuddle while their LIs are busy or the two of them are on a long mission together.

Anytime an enemy gets close to Julian or Jaal, Zaal already has his eyes set on them and snipes them before they can cause damage.

Multiple times Jaal’s walked in on Julian and Zaal signing and discussing their affections for him together.

When he sees Julian or Zaal suffering from their insomnia, Jaal likes to rub their back and pull them into his arms. He’ll pull them onto his lap and talk to them, about anything, to try to distract and soothe them. He’ll gently hold Julian’s hands in his own to prevent the Pathfinder from hurting himself.

Jaal’s True Mother sends messages to both Julian and Zaal.

While they have separate dates too, Julian and Zaal are very close and don’t mind going on a date with Jaal at the same time.

While Julian is capable of being jealous (he was with Reyes when he found out about Zia), he’s yet to find himself feeling jealous when he sees Jaal with Zaal.

[Julian] [Zaal] [Worldstate]

[magicrobins]

Cole and galen elfroot ;^;

By Your Side Wherever You Fall

Galen Lavellan & Cole. Dragon Age Dual AU. 1,449 words. Mentions @bxtgrl’s Aya Lavellan. More under the cut. AO3. Herb Prompts.

Whoops this prompt has been waiting in my inbox longer than any other prompts, sorry for the wait!

Galen was a complicated person to help, Cole had realized. He was harder to help, to heal than other people. He was like a puzzle with glass pieces that shattered too easily. Or perhaps it wasn’t that he shattered too easily, but whereas others would shatter into pieces, when he shattered, there weren’t fragmented pieces left but rather a pile of dust. That wasn’t to say that he couldn’t be helped, that he couldn’t get better. But the whole process was hard, complicated by obvious self-resentment and doubt.

It was obvious when the Inquisitor was hurting. He wasn’t good at hiding it. Even if he had been able to hide it, knowing what had happened would have been enough for anyone to know he was in pain. The news of Clan Lavellan, of that slaughter, had reached the farthest corners of Skyhold. Everyone knew what the Inquisitors had lost. What they didn’t know was how they were both reacting.

Aya was gone – some suspected she just needed space from the Inquisition, others whispered about her avenging her fallen family. Galen remained at Skyhold. He rarely left his room. Cole still remembered the state he’d found the young mage in after grabbing Dorian, insisting that Galen needed him. Dorian seemed to be one of the keys to helping Galen heal. He made Galen brighten up and smile against the pain. Dorian and the others among the Inner Circle helped give Galen a distraction from his pain.

But eventually he had to face that pain again. Eventually he had to crack and crumble all over again.

It happened in the middle of the night. Cole sensed it rather than saw it, making his way up the steps that led to the castle. He slipped inside quietly. Moonlight shined through the windows behind the two thrones. Galen sat in his usual spot. The throne at his right was empty, emphasizing his sister’s absence. Cole didn’t have to wonder to know that the young man in front of him didn’t just notice his sister’s absence, he felt it in his core. To Galen, missing Aya was like missing a limb. He leaned on her so heavily and now she wasn’t there so when he leaned, all he did was fall back.

Galen had thrown on Dalish styled clothing. His pants were brown, the stitching done in the pattern of leaves on a branch. His shirt was a loose fit, long-sleeved. It was dark green with gold laces tying up the sleeves. It was a simple shirt, though the lacing looked complicated. He wore no shoes on his feet or gloves on his hands. The usual glove he wore to cover the Anchor was absent as was the small braid he usually had in his hair. His hair looked like it had been messy and lazily fixed with his hands rather than a comb.

It was safe to assume that the young Inquisitor had snuck out of his own room after falling asleep with Dorian, not wanting to wake his lover up. The way he sat in the throne, lazily slumped in the chair, made him look tired, relaxed, but there was an absent, empty look in his gaze. The way his eyes glowed in the dark made it obvious that he wasn’t looking at Cole.

But he knew Galen had heard him enter, even with how quiet he’d been. It was either that or somehow the Inquisitor had sensed him enter. There was a silence that lingered for a moment or two. With Galen, it was a roulette of words. Which words would help? Which ones would hurt? And which would he just ignore? It was a race against Galen’s mind. It was a call to arms to help him fight the thoughts that plagued him. He had tried to help before, but everyone spoke comfort and the words always seemed to bounce right off Galen.

“I have all this,” Galen spoke, his gaze never wavering from whatever distant spot he was staring at. It was obvious what he was referring to, though. “All this… And I couldn’t – I couldn’t save them.” His voice splintered with pain, a deep rooted agony that had made a home in his heart and mind and refused to be evicted.

Cole walked up the steps to the thrones, coming to stand by the Inquisitor. “You did all that you could. You sent the soldiers. You protected them the best you could. They knew that. They wouldn’t want you blaming yourself.” He thought back to when he had met Clan Lavellan. The clan had traveled near Skyhold before traveling all the way to Wycome. He remembered meeting the Inquisitors’ parents, watching them, seeing and feeling the way they loved them. They didn’t have to be alive and at Skyhold for him to know what they would have wanted.

Galen pushed himself off of the throne, the movement made rough with frustration and anger. “But I – I didn’t do everything! I should have left with the soldiers. I should have been there.” He placed his hand on the arm of the throne and stared down at its intricate design. “My family… They were ma vhenas – my home.”

“They’re not all gone,” Cole pointed out, “You have Aya and Elaith.”

Galen cringed and his ears lowered at the mention of their names. “Aya – she’s gone, and Elaith… she’s mourning because I couldn’t protect her parents.”

A silence stretched between them. Galen came to stand with his back facing Cole, leaning to the side against his throne. His arms were crossed, tightly hugging his stomach as if he was afraid he’d get sick. The light of the moon shined through the large glass windows, illuminating him and dulling the glow of his emerald eyes. With the light, it became obvious – the pain he wore like a second skin. His eyes were red from crying, his cheeks tear stained. Clutching his stomach, it was likely he had cried, sobbed so much earlier that he had, actually, made himself get sick. No one had seen him suffering but Dorian. Whenever someone else had visited, he had gone quiet, silent as if caught in a moment of numbness.

But any numbing wasn’t real. Cole could feel it. What was real to Galen was this pain. Any other feeling was an illusion that shouldn’t exist, and that included happiness. How could he heal someone who didn’t think he deserved happiness? How could he heal someone who thought he deserved to suffer?

“Piercing,” he found himself saying, “Like a dagger into flesh. A dagger that should have struck me down, not them. If I could return the blood to their bodies, and replace the blood on the ground with mine, I would. Light and happiness, anytime they were together. Like stars sparkling in a dark sky – but stars die. Stars fade. Stars fall. Why can’t I catch them and put them back in the sky? They belong in the sky. I belong in the ground.”

Galen was half-turned, no longer leaning against the throne. His eyes were wide, tears forming, staring at Cole. His mouth was partly open as if he wanted to speak, but the words were caught in his throat. It was how he felt, what he thought, put into words he’d been unable to speak. Words he’d been afraid to hear.

Cole met his eyes, a sadness etched into his expression, mirroring Galen’s own grief. “You wish you were dead instead.”

Galen stared at him for several minutes, unable to find his voice or look away.

“Aya will come back,” Cole insisted, “She’ll always come back.”

Galen bit down on his lower lip. “Do you… Do you feel when someone – When they die? Even if – if they’re not here, near you?”

He knew what Galen was asking for. “They loved you, both of you. You two were the sun and the moon, day and night, to them, and they loved both. They were your stars, but you were the entire sky. Standing tall before everyone – that’s our son, our daughter. Our da’len. We couldn’t be prouder. You have our strength, our courage, our love. No matter where we go, we are behind you both. You will always have us with you.”

Galen held himself around his waist with one arm, his free hand covering his mouth. He was crying, and though he was crying, Cole realized this had helped. For Galen, assuring him it wasn’t his fault did nothing when he was constantly telling himself it was. What helped was reminding him that the people he cared about, the people he loved, loved and cared about him too. That was all he needed.

[magicrobins]

Dragon Age Dual AU Worldstate

Long post, all under the cut.

Edits may be made as details are added or changed.

(I typed this the best I could remember us discussing the details a while ago.)

Shared with: @bxtgrl (Nat), @jellyfishlovesloki

Dragon Age Origins

Heroes of Ferelden: Namera Cousland (sword/shield warrior, Alistair romance), and Piras Surana (mage, Zevran romance).

Companion OCs: Sylvas Mahariel (dual-wielding/archery rogue, Tamlen Rendlin romance), Sarabeth Tabris (archery rogue, Leliana romance), Christian Amell (mage, Morrigan romance), Rendlin Amell (sword/shield warrior, Sylvas romance), Paige Brosca (dual-wielding rogue, no romance), Atlen Mahariel (dual-wielding rogue, Jowan romance), and Noah Talbot (two-handed warrior, Anora romance).

All companions except for Loghain are recruited.

Companion decisions: Returned Sten’s sword, defeated Flemeth for her grimoire, sent Marjolaine away, and helped Alistair find Goldanna.

Namera has a mabari, Konroy, and Piras got a mabari after Ostagar, Sammy.

Broken Circle: Sided with the mages, gained some Templar supporters, and managed to save First Enchanter Irving.

The Arl of Redcliffe: Helped Redcliffe prepare and fight, Piras used lyrium and the help of Circle mages to fight the demon in the Fade, Connor alive, not possessed, and Piras and some companions helped Jowan escape at night (Sylvas directed him to Atlen for protection).

The Urn of Sacred Ashes: Urn wasn’t poisoned, and word about its discovery eventually got out.

Nature of the Beast: Sylvas helped Namera and Piras broker peace.

Paragon of Her Kind: Rendlin had a son with Mardy, restored Mardy’s son’s birthright, Dagna left to study, defeated Branka and destroyed the Anvil of the Void, Namera supported Harrowmont, Piras supported Bhelen, and the choice was ultimately left up to Rendlin who surprised everyone by choosing Bhelen.

Stone Prisoner DLC: Matthias and Amalia both alive, and neither are possessed.

Warden’s Keep DLC: Piras gained the Power of Blood, Sophia killed, and Avernus allowed to continue research under more ethical restraints.

Denerim: Helped Sarabeth figure out and stop the city elves from disappearing, rescued Anora, and Namera killed Howe in combat, avenging her family.

Landsmeet: Loghain killed by Alistair, Alistair became King of Ferelden, and later married Namera, making her Queen of Ferelden.

The Battle of Denerim: Alistair took part in the Dark Ritual with Morrigan, only Grey Warden to die was Riordan, and Namera and Piras killed the Archdemon together.

New Grey Wardens: Sylvas, Christian, Rendlin, Paige, Atlen, Noah, and Jowan joined the Grey Wardens after the Battle of Denerim. Sarabeth joined the Grey Wardens in the beginning of Awakening.

Namera and Sarabeth belong to @bxtgrl.

Piras, Sylvas, Christian, Rendlin, Paige, Atlen, and Noah belong to @magicrobins.

The Golems of Amgarrak DLC: Namera and Piras helped Jerrik, however they both vocally objected to the idea of bringing back the creation of golems.

Witch Hunt DLC: Christian follows Morrigan through the Eluvian.

Dragon Age Awakening DLC

New companion OCs: Halin Andras (mage, one-sided Nathaniel romance), Hannah Caron (two-handed warrior, Jaden romance), and Jaden Kader (archery rogue, Hannah romance). Companion OCs from Origins returned with Namera and Piras, as well as Jowan, a canon character.

Piras is named Arl of Amaranthine.

All companions recruited and joined the Grey Wardens.

Oghren and Felsi reunited.

Both the Keep and Amaranthine were successfully protected after hard battles.

The only casualty of the battles: Justice was “killed” when Kristoff’s head is chopped off while defending Vigil’s Keep.

Piras and Namera side with the Architect against the Broodmother and allow him to live.

Zevran eventually returns to Amaranthine, and he and Piras marry at Vigil’s Keep.

Majority of companions stay with the Grey Wardens, though Velanna eventually leaves after believing she saw her sister.

Halin Andras, Hannah Caron, and Jaden Kader belong to @magicrobins

Dragon Age II*

*The timeline of DA2 is being edited to better fit in with the timeline of Origins. We have it to where the Hawke family were younger when they fled Lothering, and the Hawke siblings were indentured for more than just a year in Kirkwall.

Champions of Kirkwall: Derek Hawke (mage, eldest sibling, Fenris romance), and Vera Hawke (mage, Anders romance).

Companion OCs: Kenrick Lolani (two-handed warrior, Merrill romance), Stella Montgomery (dual-wielding/archery rogue, Isabela romance), Talia Fredericks (dual-wielding rogue, Sebastian romance), and Jaxton Montgomery (dual-wielding/archery rogue, Tallis romance).

All companions recruited, and all relationships are friendship.

Companion decisions: Carver became a Grey Warden, Bethany became a Circle mage, Bartrand lived, convinced Varric not to keep the lyrium idol, Isabela returned with the Tome, didn’t turn Isabela over to the Qunari, didn’t convince Merrill to destroy the Eluvian, didn’t kill Merrill’s clan, and Aveline married Donnic.

Mages fully supported.

Prologue: Both Bethany and Carver live, Bethany is gravely injured from the ogre attack, Vera and Derek join the smugglers, and Stella and Jaxton join the mercenaries.

Act 1: Derek and Vera sometimes disagreed when it came to letting mages go or returning them to the Circle, Saemus saved and returned to the Viscount, Kelder killed, the slaver Danzig killed, Derek and Vera both own the Bone Pit, Feynriel sent to the Dalish, defended Ketojan, left Bethany in Kirkwall, and took Carver to the Deep Roads.

Act 2: Gascard killed, didn’t side with Varnell, didn’t side with Petrice, Javaris was alive and well, helped with the raiders on the cliffs, freed Feynriel and allowed him to leave for Tevinter, and Derek and Vera killed the Arishok together.

Legacy DLC: Sided with Larius, defeated Corypheus, and found Malcolm’s Will.

Mark of the Assassin DLC: didn’t make Tallis angry, and Jaxton kissed Tallis.

Act 3: Met and let Zevran go, later aided by Zevran in the battle against Meredith, rescued Nathaniel, reunited Charade and Gamlen, handed conspirators over to Orsino, Derek disapproved and Vera approved of Anders destroying the Chantry, Anders was spared, Sebastian and Talia left for Starkhaven, vowing revenge on Anders and the Hawkes, the Hawkes and companions had to flee Kirkwall and go into hiding; to protect Vera, Derek solely took on the Champion of Kirkwall title; and Derek and companions spread false information that there had only ever been one Champion.

Derek Hawke, Stella Montgomery, and Jaxton Montgomery belong to @magicrobins. Vera Hawke and Talia Fredericks belong to @bxtgrl. Kenrick Lolani belongs to @jellyfishlovesloki.

Dragon Age: Inquisition

Inquisitors: Aya Lavellan (dual-wielding rogue, Cullen romance), and Galen Lavellan (mage, Dorian romance).

Companion OCs: Elaith Lavellan (mage, Solas romance), Nova Adaar (two-handed warrior, Iron Bull romance), Lilya Avery (mage, Blackwall romance), Jacob Lombardi (archery rogue, Josephine romance), Ju-long “Striker” Trevelyan (archery rogue, Cassandra romance), Mordecai Bayley (dual-wielding rogue, Lace romance), Ricka Cadash (dual-wielding rogue, one-sided Varric romance), Ozera Herah (dual-wielding rogue, Sera romance), Rasha Andras (two-handed warrior, Arven romance), Arven Karaas (mage, Rasha romance), Ai Trevelyan (mage, Krem romance), Zhen Trevelyan (mage, Bailey romance), and Bailey Carrian (archery rogue, Zhen romance).

All companions are recruited.

Companion decisions: Dorian reconciled with his father, Blackwall left prison with his true identity revealed and eventually joined the Grey Wardens, Iron Bull saved the Chargers and became Tal-Vashoth, Cassandra discovered the Book of Secrets, Harmond was kept alive but forced to work for the Inquisition, Cole became more human, Solas freed his friend, Varric pursued the red lyrium source lead, Vivienne gained the snowy wyvern heart, Cullen was encouraged not to use lyrium, Aya and Galen did favors for the Du Paraquette family, and Leliana was inspired.

Exploring Thedas: Reached the inner sanctum of the Temple of Pride, helped the refugees, gained the allegiance of the cultists, closed the rift in the lake, claimed Griffon Wing Keep, investigated the dwarven ruins, rescued troops from the Avvar, kept Fairbanks’ nobility a secret and helped him defeat the Freemen, killed Imshael, and captured Suledin Keep.

Operations: Failed to save Clan Lavellan, Sutherland’s company was successful, Jecin and Celeste married for love, and both Johi and Charade were recruited.

The Wrath of Heaven: Aya and Galen claimed to not know whether they were chosen by Andraste or not.

Champions of the Just: Elaith sent to Therinfal Redoubt with a few companions under the disguise of an Inquisitor, offered the Templars a free alliance, and Ser Barris is alive and promoted to Knight-Commander.

In Hushed Whispers: Aya and Galen went to Redcliffe with a few companions, and offered the mages a free alliance.

Tension was high in Haven among the Templars and mages, many uneasy with the Inquisition allying with both groups.

In Your Heart Shall Burn: Cole arrived at Haven, and Aya and Galen both stayed behind to fight and distract Corypheus.

Here Lies the Abyss: Derek Hawke, Stella Montgomery, Kenrick Lolani, Jaxton Montgomery, and canon companions except for Sebastian and Anders arrived at Skyhold upon Varric’s request to aid in the trouble with the Grey Wardens; Derek, Stella, and Kenrick fell into the Fade with the Inquisitors, a few companions, and Stroud; Stroud chose to stay back in the Fade, telling Derek to find his cousin (Christian Amell) to lead the Grey Wardens because it’s common knowledge the Heroes of Ferelden and several of their companion Wardens have gone missing; Derek, Stella, and Kenrick had to pull Aya and Galen out of the Fade to get them to leave Stroud behind; the Grey Wardens are offered a free alliance to rebuild their strength and ranks; and Derek urges the Inquisitors and Leliana to find Christian Amell, who at that point was a high ranking Grey Warden.

Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts: Christian Amell was found attending the ball with Morrigan and joined her and Kieran at Skyhold, Empress Celene lived and Grand Duchess Florianne both lived, Celene continued to rule and reconciled with Briala.

What Pride had Wrought: Galen chose to respect the temple’s traditions, Aya chose to follow the quicker route through the temple’s underground, Galen managed to get the alliance and help of the guardians, Samson and Calpernia were the Inquisition’s nemesis, Aya destroyed Samson’s armor, Galen talked to Calpernia and convinced her that her loyalty was misdirected, and Aya and Galen decided to share the price and drank from the Well of Sorrows together.

Doom Upon the World: Aya and Galen made no formal support for either Cassandra, Leliana, or Vivienne for Divine, not wanting to choose between their friends; Aya and Galen defeated Corypheus together while their companions and Inquisition forces fought off the demon horde; and Leliana was chosen as Divine Victoria.

The Descent DLC: The earthquakes were stopped, and the secret origin of lyrium was discovered.

Jaws of Hakkon DLC: Discovered and met Ameridan, shared the truth about Ameridan, killed the dragon, and Aya and Galen both gained a legend-mark from the Avvar.

Trespasser DLC: Iron Bull remained loyal, the Inquisition was disbanded at Aya’s order, and Aya and Galen vowed to redeem Solas.

Aya Lavellan, Jacob Lombardi, and Lilya Avery belong to @bxtgrl. Nova Adaar, Mordecai Bayley, and Ricka Cadash belong to @jellyfishlovesloki. Galen Lavellan, Elaith Lavellan, Ju-long “Striker” Trevelyan, Ozera Herah, Rasha Andras, Arven Karaas, Ai Trevelyan, Zhen Treveylan, and Bailey Carrian belong to @magicrobins.

Anything post-Trespasser can be discovered through asks or fanfics! <3

[magicrobins]

Little Do You Know

Words: 3,877

Fandom: Dragon Age

Characters: Derek Hawke & Bethany Hawke. Briefly Sebastian Vael, Fenris, Cullen Rutherford, & @jellyfishlovesloki‘s Kenrick Lolani.

AO3 Link: Here

Prompt: “Hawke is finally allowed to see Bethany after years pass with her in the Circle. They don't really believe the few letters she sends. Is she okay? Do the Templars hurt her? Is it worse? Hawke hates her being there but surrounded by Templars at the gallows they have to piece truth from her tales.” [x]

Author Note: This takes place in an AU I have with my sister and friend, thus the mage Hawke. This is also the outfit Derek’s in. This takes place during Act 3.

Mentions @bxtgrl‘s Vera Hawke.

Most under the cut.

Just being near the Gallows was unnerving. Actually being in them? That made him very uncomfortable. There was a part of him that thought this was a trap. That Meredith was finally tired of dealing with him. That she had snapped and decided to throw him into the Gallows under the disguise of visiting his sister. Honestly, if there was a Hawke sibling Meredith was most likely to grow tired of, he would have thought it was his twin, Vera. At the very least, he had helped the Templars from time to time. He, while expressing wishes for the Circle to be better, for Meredith to relinquish her iron grasp, also advocated for a peaceful solution.

There had been enough bloodshed in his life. He didn’t want anymore.

And while he desperately wanted to see his younger sister, he wasn’t a fool. No, he hadn’t told Vera where he was going. The only person in the manor he’d told was Kenrick. He’d left under the pretense of running an errand with Kenrick, though like usual he’d taken his staff and the other man had grabbed his sword. Even if it was under the disguise of a simple errand, Kirkwall wasn’t a place to walk around unarmed.

He’d met up with Fenris and Sebastian in Lowtown, trusting all three of the men he traveled with not to go running to his twin. He trusted Vera and knew if she found out, she’d kill him for keeping it from her, but… But he already had one sister in the Gallows. He didn’t want to get his other one anywhere near that Maker-forsaken place. That was also a reason behind him not requesting any help from any of the other mages he knew. He didn’t want Merrill or Anders anywhere near here. He also didn’t want to approach the Gallows with a small army. Three seemed like a good number of companions to bring.

However he knew he couldn’t bring them into the Gallows. If he did that, the Templars would think he was trying to break his sister out.

“Are you sure about this, Derek?” Sebastian asked when they arrived at the Gallows.

Derek pulled his eyes away from the prison turned Circle to his companions. Earlier Fenris had made his unhappiness with the plan clear. Now he could tell from the looks on all three of them that neither of them liked the idea of him going in there alone.

“Mages go to the Circle,” Sebastian pointed out, “They don’t come back, especially apostates.” He was stating the obvious, but he felt like it needed to be said. He felt like Derek needed the reminder.

But that was exactly the reason why Derek hadn’t asked Vera, Anders, or Merrill to come with him. He was willing to take that risk, but he wasn’t willing to make them take it too.

“I’ll be fine,” he tried to assure them. Even he didn’t fully believe his words or the smile he put on. “I’ll come out in half an hour to check in with you.”

“A lot can go wrong in half an hour,” Kenrick stated, his voice its usual quiet tone but with a protective edge to it. His eyes glanced around the Gallows and then at the Templar waiting for Derek. This obviously felt like a possible trap for the Hawke, but he couldn’t help wondering if it could be more than that. Could Meredith be planning a trap for the four of them? He thought it was possible with her erratic behavior that if she went after the Hawkes, she’d go after their associates as well. Not that it was much of a concern. If anyone came after the Hawkes, his sword would cut them down. At the same time he knew that if anyone came after him, the Hawkes’ magic would strike any foe down.

“Why can’t at least one of us come with you?” he asked after a pause, his gaze falling back onto the mage.

Derek shook his head. “No. If something happens, I need you three to gather Vera and the others.”

“That’s a terrible plan,” Sebastian spoke up again.

Derek grinned at him. “When have I ever had a good plan?” His attempt to lighten the mood was clearly unsuccessful. All three men met his grin with a frown. He cleared his throat uncomfortably and shifted on his feet. He reached forward, gently taking Fenris’ hand. “I’ll be fine.”

“I still don’t like this plan,” the elf replied. His feelings toward mages weren’t a secret, and neither were his feelings toward this mage. “I trust you, and I trust Bethany.”

Derek smiled softly, bringing Fenris’ hand up and placing a kiss against it. He had the satisfaction of seeing the elf’s face darken with the traces of a blush. He held onto his hand for a moment before letting his grasp slip.

“I’ll be back,” he promised. He gave them one last smile, hoping to convince them and himself that everything was going to be okay. He turned on his heels and made his way over to the waiting Templar.

Cullen. He was glad to see a friendly face. He had no doubt that there were many Templars who, despite him occasionally assisting them, held no love for him. Cullen, on the other hand, was at least friendly toward him. He had his doubts about Meredith, that much was clear. Whether or not he would act on those doubts, Derek wasn’t sure. Either way, Cullen was a high ranking Templar and a good ally to have. And Derek was determined to keep whatever semblance of a friendship between them there was.

He came to stand in front of Cullen, reaching up and pushing the hood of his elegant black robes off. “I hope you don’t mind if I keep my staff.” It was more for show, saying that. Keeping the icy blue staff wasn’t an option. The Templars would have to pry it from his cold, dead hand. He didn’t necessarily need it to cast magic – it was more for directing his magic better than actual necessity to cast. He was still dangerous without it, but it was comforting for him to keep it. Even if the Templars dispelled his magic, he could use the staff. Not only was it good for spells, but it also made a wonderful bat to smack people around with!

“I doubt I could get you to relinquish it, if I wanted to,” the other man admitted, earning a grin from the mage.

“You’re welcome to try, but I’m quite attached to it.”

Cullen paused. The playful grin on the mage’s face made him question whether or not they were still talking about the staff strapped to his back. He cleared his throat uncomfortably and tried to change the subject.

“I’m glad you’re finally able to see your sister,” he said honestly. He didn’t have to be told to guess how much Bethany was missed. He’d been there when she’d been taken to the Circle. He remembered the clear threats from both Derek and Vera. He remembered being surprised that Carver wasn’t there before he’d heard the rumors of the young man joining the Grey Wardens. Anyone with eyes could see how close the Hawke family had been and still was. Whenever he thought about it, he couldn’t stop himself from thinking about his sister, from wondering what it would be like to not be allowed to see her – to know she was right there but denied the chance to be with her.

He looked over Derek’s shoulder at the three men he’d brought with him. He noticed all three of him were watching like, well, like hawks. He was surprised, though, that they were all he saw.

“Will your sister not be joining you?” he asked curiously.

Derek shook his head again. “I have one sister in the Gallows,” he stated firmly, “I don’t want another one here.”

Cullen nodded, in a way understanding. No matter what he believed about or felt toward mages, he understood loyalty. He understood that Derek and Vera would do whatever it took to protect their friends and especially their family. Again, he’d seen it the day he’d had to take Bethany to the Circle.

“I doubt she’ll be happy with you.”

Derek lightly laughed. “Oh Vera will be furious. If you don’t see me again, she’s probably killed me. But that’s only if she finds out.” He held his hand out toward the Templar. “And what’s a little secret between friends?”

Cullen hesitated, looking from the offered hand up to its owner. He’d seen Vera furious before. Know someone for so many years and it was hard not to see a multitude of emotions expressed.  He didn’t like the idea of that fury being directed toward him. Eventually he gave a short nod and shook Derek’s hand.

“Unless she asks,” he replied, “I don’t see why it should be brought up.”

He motioned for Derek to follow him into the Gallows. The mage looked back at his companions one last time, gave them what he hoped looked like a reassuring smile, and then preceded to follow the Templar.

Derek wasn’t entirely sure what to expect. He had never been in the Gallows like this. He’d avoided them as often as he could since arriving in Kirkwall. He came here only when business dictated him to. For a while after Bethany had been taken, he’d stomped to the Gallows, demanding to see his youngest sister. He’d learned from Anders that once a mage went to the Circle, they often broke ties with their family. They weren’t allowed visitors. That had only made him madder. At one point, he and Vera had to be dragged away from the Templars, away from the Gallows, by their friends, who had seen the growing frustration of the Templars and had known that a fight then and there with the Templars wouldn’t have solved anything.

He had stopped his yelling, stopped his demanding, when he’d noticed the toll it took on his mother. His mother… He hadn’t even been allowed to see Bethany and tell her. He hadn’t even been the one to tell Carver about their mother’s fate… That guilt still weighed heavily on him.

A part of him expected to be taken to a cell – the Circle’s pathetic excuse for rooms for the mages – to see his sister. A part of him still expected this to be a trap. But shortly after they entered the Circle, they hadn’t walked far before Bethany came into view. She stood there, another Templar at her side, clothed in the typical Circle mage gown. Despite the fact that the clothes was a reminder of her current residence here, she looked beautiful in them. Maker, she reminded him of their mother. She reminded him of Vera, when he and his twin had been younger. Regal and beautiful with a dangerous edge to her. Bethany was a sweet young woman, there was no doubt about it, but she was also a Hawke. And every Hawke was dangerous. Every Hawke could be badass.

She smiled widely and warmly and started moving toward him. He picked up his pace and met her halfway, catching her in his arms and twirling her around like he’d done when they had been kids. Her arms were wrapped firmly across his shoulders and around his neck. It was clear in the way she hugged him that she had missed him, and it showed in the way he held her that the feeling was mutual.

He didn’t want to let her go. He was afraid that if he let her go, he’d never get her back. The thought of rescuing her, escaping the Gallows with her grew in his mind. At the very least, he thought he could get her out to where Kenrick, Sebastian, and Fenris waited for him. It would be a fight to get back to their estate, but the news would spread through Kirkwall. One of its Champions defying the Circle. He had no doubt that the news would reach his friends no matter where in town they were. And they would come to help. But getting out of the city… It would be like fighting the Qunari again, except without the Templars on his side this time.

Bethany must have recognized the look on his face, read his thoughts in his eyes. She pulled away from his embrace, her smile never wavering. He wondered how she could still smile so warmly, but he was thankful that the Circle hadn’t taken that from her.

“It’s good to see you,” she said, and just like when he was reading her letters, he wondered what she wasn’t telling him.

“Sorry it took so long,” he joked, “Been a bit busy keeping this city from shitting itself.”

Bethany laughed, a sound he had so desperately needed to hear. “My big brother and sister – the Champions of Kirkwall.” She spoke proudly of them, but a note of sadness crept into her voice as she continued. “Even Carver should be impressed. Mother… Mother would be proud of both of you.”

He felt that heavy weight of guilt return, and his shoulders slumped slightly. “She’d be proud of you too.”

That caused Bethany to pause. Derek guessed what she was thinking. Their mother had spent so long, so much energy and time to keep them out of any Circle, away from the Chantry’s grasp, away from the ever present threat of a Templar’s sword. Their mother had been so brokenhearted when she’d been discovered and taken away. She was a Circle mage now… Would their mother be proud?

He broke her train of thought by gently grasping her chin and making her meet his eyes. “Mother would be proud of you.” And he meant every word. He didn’t like that she was in the Circle, but in no way did that make him think she was weak. Each day she survived served to prove her strength more and more. She had never needed to prove her strength to him, perhaps she needed to prove it to herself, but he, Vera, and Carver had always known how strong Bethany was, and he knew Bethany knew that. He had always made sure to let her know her strengths, the same way he’d made sure Vera and Carver knew theirs. He was the eldest, the one now responsible for all of them. If they faltered in believing in themselves, he saw it as his job to pick up the slack and believe in them for them.

Bethany smiled softly at him, and he lowered his hand back to his side.

“Have you heard from Carver?” she asked.

“He’s sent a few letters,” Derek replied, “Not any recently, but I assume he’s just gotten busy. I think he enjoys being a Warden more than he’ll admit.”

Bethany nodded. “It suits him, protecting people in his own way.”

“No longer in my shadow,” he didn’t mean to sound upset at that. He’d never wanted Carver to feel like he overshadowed him. He’d wanted his younger brother to shine on his own. Instead, he’d been rewarded with resentment and bitterness. A part of him hoped that being in the Wardens would cause Carver to open up more to him. He hoped that finally stepping out on his own would make his brother less resentful, less bitter.

Bethany was giving him a stubborn frown. “It’s not like you put him there on purpose,” she stated, and the tone of her voice told him that that wasn’t up for debate. “You never wanted either of us to be in your shadow. It’s not like you had much of a say in it. It wasn’t your choice whether people saw us as ourselves or Derek and Vera’s kid brother and sister.”

“How have you been?” Derek asked, giving in and not debating with her.

There was a hesitation. She tried to hide it, but he noticed.

“I’m doing fine,” came the answer, a smile still on her face. He couldn’t tell if it was faked or if she managed to keep smiling out of the happiness of seeing him. “I’m learning a lot under the First Enchanter.”

“I’m sure I could have taught you anything he knows,” Derek muttered stubbornly. After their father had passed, he’d partly taken up teaching Bethany.

She just raised an eyebrow at him.

He huffed. “I could have. You don’t have to be in a Circle to learn magic.” That got him a look from Cullen and the other Templar. He shot the look right back, silently daring them to argue with him. Cullen just sighed, a note of frustration in the sound, deciding it wasn’t worth the headache an argument with the eldest Hawke would cause.

“But I’m not running anymore,” Bethany pointed out, gaining his attention back. “This would have happened eventually, you know that.”

At that, Derek felt a pang of anger. “No, I don’t know that and neither do you. Maker, I should have let you come to the Deep Roads with us.”

The smile on her face disappeared, replaced by a frown. “You don’t know what would have happened, if I’d gone to the Deep Roads with you. Maybe I would have caught the Blight instead of Carver or with Carver. Maybe the Grey Wardens would have only accepted one of us or not accepted me.”

“If you caught the Blight,” Derek practically declared, “The Wardens would have taken you in. I would have made sure they did. You’d be a Warden now–”

“I don’t want to be a Warden!”

“There’s nothing wrong with being a Warden! They’re a good fit–”

“For Carver!” she snapped, her voice raised and her own anger showing. It was enough to make Derek clasp his mouth shut. He wasn’t used to Bethany getting angry at him, let alone enough to get her to raise her voice. She took in a deep breath and slowly let it out, forcing herself to relax. She met his gaze and spoke firmly. “They’re a good fit for Carver not me. I don’t want to be a Warden, Derek…”

He let out a sigh. It sounded heavier than he’d meant it to. “You’d rather be chained in this Circle?”

Bethany shook her head. “Do I look like I’m in chains?”

“You’re a prisoner!” Derek found himself saying, ignoring how Cullen’s eyes snapped back on him. “You can’t leave! Can she leave?!” He turned to Cullen as he demanded an answer, but before the Templar could even think to answer, he was back to facing his sister. “You can’t leave! Bethany, this is the first time in years that I’ve been allowed to see you! I have to ask permission to see my own sister!”

Her frustration returned. “And can you just walk over to the Wardens and see Carver?”

“No, and I’m pissed about that too,” he replied sharply, “But at least I know the Wardens aren’t hurting Carver. At least I know that the Wardens have Carver’s back.”

“And who says I’m being hurt?” the question came out even, her tone sharp like a dagger. “I have never once said I’m in danger. I’ve never once said that the Templars are hurting or abusing me. Do you think every Templar here is out to get the mages? Out to get me?”

Derek found himself sighing again. “There are good and bad Templars just as there are good and bad mages. And how do I know they’d let you tell me if something was wrong? You know what I would do if they ever even thought about hurting you, and I bet my ass Meredith can guess what I’d do.”

He left it unsaid in front of the two Templars, but he knew Bethany knew what he would do. He would forgo any attempts to diffuse the tensions between mages and Templars. He would forgo any attempts to peacefully get Meredith to lighten up on the mages, any attempts to peacefully get the Chantry to make the Circle better. He would forgo any attempts to lessen the bloodshed. He would raze the Circle, the Templars, and the very Chantry itself. He would kick down Meredith’s door and take her on himself. And he wouldn’t stop until one of them were dead.

“Champion,” there was a clear threat in Cullen’s tone.

Derek ignored him.

“I’m fine,” Bethany said, her voice softer, trying to comfort her brother. “I’m happy here.”

He wanted to believe her. He so desperately wanted to believe her and stop worrying. But he didn’t believe her, at least not fully. Kirkwall’s Circle was many things, but fine and happy weren’t one of them. However his strength was drained. He didn’t have the energy to argue anymore.

“Alright,” he gave her the best smile he could muster. Even if he didn’t believe her, if it comforted her to think he did, then he would put on his best show. Whatever made Bethany happy, he would do.

He noticed Cullen step forward and glanced over at the Templar.

“I’m sorry, Champion,” Cullen started, and he did look apologetic. “But I think it’d be best if you leave now.”

It took Derek a moment to register that. He looked from Cullen to Bethany.

She gave him a smile. “It’s okay. I’ll be fine.”

“Can I come back?” he asked, his gaze falling onto Cullen.

The Templar shrugged. “You would have to ask Meredith.”

“Oh I will,” he stated firmly. He turned back to his sister and gave her another hug.

She clung to him for a moment, whispering, “I love you, big brother.”

He felt that guilt return and had to blink his eyes. He refused to cry in front of Templars. “I love you too, Beth.” He released her and watched her follow the Templar back farther into the Gallows.

He followed Cullen out of the Gallows, where he found Kenrick, Sebastian, and Fenris waiting for him. The three were conversing about something – he didn’t catch the topic. When he emerged, they stopped and all looked to him, looking for any sign that something was wrong. He flashed them the best smile he could muster before turning to Cullen.

“You don’t have to worry about me,” he said, earning a raised eyebrow from the other man. “I want the fighting in this city to stop. I want the problems to be worked out peacefully.”

“Some might say that’s naive,” Cullen pointed out.

Derek shrugged. “Then I’m naive.” He turned and started making his way over to his friends, pulling his hood back up and over his head. After a few paces he stopped. “But know this, Cullen: should any harm come to my sister – should I ever discover she’s been hurt or made tranquil, I don’t care the reasoning behind it–” He looked over his shoulder, his blue eyes staring right at the Templar. He had a feeling Cullen knew what he was going to say. He could have left the threat unsaid, silent between them, but instead, he spoke it with all the venom, all the anger he could muster.

“I will come for Meredith’s head.”

[bxtgrl]

10 TV Shows Meme

tagged by @luanna801​ <3

Rules: Pick a gif for 10 TV shows you like without naming them and tag ten people. I’m gonna include some web shows here ‘cause my tv pool of enjoyment is small as of late lol.

I’m gonna tag @magicrobins​, @chaosmagicked​, @jjbittenbinders​, @iodine-kisses​, @jellyfishlovesloki​, @alenkosx​ (if any of y’all want to lol), and anyone else who wants to lol. <3