#john mulaney quote

[lokisis]

But you can't be like- (plus a trans version for you [fellow freaks])

[pancake-loving-pandemi]

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"Because we're Delta airlines, and life is a fucking nightmare~"

[mode-mates]

"Smile, it confuses people."

Baseball Cap

[crookedmime]

Like he wanted me to set him up with somebody.

[evansboyfriend]

the old guard + john mulaney quotes [extended edition]

[chaoticace2005]

Hazbin Hotel characters as John Mulaney quotes part 1:

(Part 2 3 4)

Alastor: I made a salad with craisins!

Charlie, about Vaggie: She and I have totally different styles. When my wife walks down the street, she does not give a shit what anyone thinks of her in any situation. She’s my hero. When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me is like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing.

Lucifer: Also, I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. That is not true. My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.

Vaggie: Shut up, you’re all gonna die. Street smarts!

Angel: I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die.

Niffty: Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you?

Husk: Have you ever zoned out for a few minutes? I’ve been zoned out since 2014! I just all day long I wander into traffic walking like Charlie Chaplin, listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast.

Sir Pentious: Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?

[montic0]

The Apothecary Diaries

It's almost funny how canon this is

[obscurelittlebird]

[dubblebubbleibuprofen]

The Berzattos

[tf2incorrectquotes]

Fritz: You know those days when you're like, "This might as well happen."

[autumnmobile12]

Let me tell you I cannot wait to analyze the hell out of how Trevor and Richter process grief differently.

On the one hand, we have Trevor the emotional burnout who took the unhealthy road of, “I’m gonna keep all my emotions right here, and then one day, I’ll die,” while frequently finding oblivion at the bottom of a tankard.

And based on what we've seen in the teaser and official trailer, now we have Richter who seems to have bottled everything up inside like a fizzy drink and someone has shaken the bottle.  And maybe thrown it at a wall, who knows?

Alucard: I hope you haven't been doing all this sober.

Richter: Alcohol dulls the mind. I refuse to partake.

Alucard: ....I commend you and your healthy liver, but are you okay?

[sweaters-and-vertigo]

indiana jones whenever he sees mad mikkelsen:

[mode-mates]

"Smile, it confuses people."

The quote "Smile, it confuses people" suggests that a simple smile can be a powerful tool to disarm and perplex others.

[uncorrectintamed]

Wen Yuan: I am very small, and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress I am under.

[puzzled-pegasus]

I made a list of Sanders Sides as John Mulaney quotes a long time ago and forgot how Absolute Gold they are

Logan: 

"I'll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day, I'll die."

Roman: 

 "I need everybody, all day long, to like me SO MUCH."

"Everyone get out of my way, I just want to sit here and feed my birds."

"I never knew that relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself. That's not really a joke, that's just a lil sweet thing I like to say."

Virgil:

"Do My Friends Hate Me, or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?"

"I am thirty-five years old and I am still terrified of secondary locations."

"In terms of instant relief, cancelling plans is like heroin."

Patton:

"My vibe is more like, 'hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I'll probably apologize to you!'"

"Ooh, ducklings!"

"[My dog] is my best friend, I give her a million kisses a day, she does not like me and barks at me and bites me all day long."

Janus:

"And I said 'no,' you know, like a liar."

"You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair."

*imitating an old gay man* "you want me to do what?"

"No, that's okay. I was lying. It was a lie. To get drugs. You know, like a crime?"

"You can go very far in life if you pretend to know what you're doing."

Remus:

"SCATTER!"

"FUCK DA PO-LICE!"

"Because it's the one thing you can't replace."

"Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you."

[chaoticace2005]

Hazbin Hotel characters as John Mulaney quotes part 3:

(Part 1 2 4)

Vox: I was hoping by now that I would look older. But it didn’t happen. I don’t look older I just look worse, I think. Honestly when I’m walking down the street nobody’s ever like “Hey, look at that man!” I think they’re just like “Woah! That tall child looks terrible! Get some rest tall child! You can’t keep burning the candle at both ends.”

Angel: Part of me was like whatever, you know? You know those days when you’re like “this might as well happen.”

Angel and Vaggie about their respective partners: I never knew relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself. That’s not really a joke that’s just a little sweet thing I like to say.

People watching the show: I think eventually everything is going to be okay. But I have no idea what’s gonna happen next.

Niffty: I know now I’m definitely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly.

Charlie, about Alastor: We started chanting, McDonald's, McDonald's, McDonald's! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.

Any time literally any character’s backstory or internal issues is revealed: Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that.