#jokes aside i think most people are second type true neutral. whats the point of mortals if they don't make their choices every day?

[iviin-855]

I like to think that there are two ways of being of a neutral alignment, first those between the axiomatic extremes, not too much of one thing or the other, and second those with one foot in one extreme and the other equally deep in the other extreme. People who hold their word but in the most chaotic way possible. Good people who are capable of choosing to do evil consciously. Whenever you meet a true neutral there is a chance you meet a relatively normal person or the weirdest motherfucker imaginable

[hinac0lada]

I DON’T LIKE YOUR SHAMPOO

CHARACTER PAIRING | oikawa tooru x gn!reader

INFO | soulmate!au, fluff

WORDS | 1.9k 

NOTE | by the time i’m probably posting this, is one day before my beloved’s birthday FNKLFNGK ngl i’m pretty excited and i hope ya’ll are too (besides the fact that the manga is coming to an end but let’s not talk about that-) 

WARNINGS | NONE

more to see under the cut!

you live in a world where soulmate marks exist. everyone has different types of marks ranging from; timers, red strings of fate, roman numerals, half tattoos, etc. as you grow old, you watch people find their soulmates, and on some unfortunate occasions, lose them. 

each person had different views on the concept of soulmates, it wasn’t sunshine and rainbows all the time, but you stayed neutral after receiving every side of the spectrum that varied from the good side —  as well as the bad side of meeting their other halves.

you knew you were bound to meet your own soulmate either way, but you wouldn't get your hopes up just like that — until you received your soulmate mark on the morning of your 15th birthday.

it was a beautiful tattoo on your wrist. written were the words that your soulmate would say to you on your first encounter. your parents told you that the time and date of your encounter with them — along with their words to you, would turn golden as soon as you’ve said your first words to each other; just like how their soulmate mark worked. and although you were aware that every mark is different, you couldn’t help but raise a brow from confusion at the sentence that was permanently placed on your wrist.

‘well to be honest, i don’t like your perfume’

it read, an intriguing way to say to your soulmate, you thought to yourself. and that night, you couldn’t help but admire the pretty letterings on your wrist; rubbing your thumb against it, grinning from ear to ear like a fool. 

days went by from when you received your tattoo, you’d constantly wonder what your soulmate was like or when and how you were going to meet them. tracing your fingers along the tattoo turned into a habit whenever you’re bored or anxious about something. to add to that, the thought of their existence would sometimes consume you, and you’d be stuck in a loophole of questions and doubts. 

‘what if they don’t like me? or what if they don’t want to be my soulmate? what if they think i’m ugly? or a disappointment?’ 

regardless of the negative thoughts and worries you had in your head everyday, you were still eager to meet them — even if it takes a thousand years, a thousand hours, or maybe even if they are a thousand miles away, you can’t wait for the day that you’d get to meet them.

or what if it only takes a few months, or a few days? maybe even a few seconds? what if they were across the world? or just across the street? possibly next door? in spite of knowing not to get your hopes up, you can’t resist the anticipation of being face to face with the person you were promised to ever since the very beginning of your existence. 

and every day, you’d hold on to the wrist with your mark — the symbol of a promise to true love, hoping fate decides to take place sooner than expected. 

unbeknownst to you however, your true love was just within arm’s reach all this time.

it was the most awaited day of the academic year, the time where stressed out seniors get to relax for a whole day to indulge themselves in new sights and bond with their fellow batch mates before the dreaded era of finals — field trip day. 

everyone had their own plans, going to after school hang outs right after the planned trip, a handful bringing digital cameras to capture each moment , that one kid in class who has great taste in music providing the speaker, and the rest just going with the flow of today’s agenda.

while the majority of students did plan their seating arrangements on the bus, you, on the other hand, decided against it. in your opinion, it wasn’t a big deal. it was just a 2 hour drive to the destination so what could possibly go haywire? plus, it didn’t matter who was your companion on the bus, it’d open up the opportunity to get to know unfamiliar faces, being divided by classes and all, so what could possibly go wrong?

maybe, possibly everything.

who would’ve thought, out of all of your batch mates, you get to sit beside the grand king himself, oikawa tooru.

it wasn’t like his personality was completely intolerable, it’s the complete opposite, really. he was charming, greeting you with a close eyed grin before sitting down next to you. in the face of all the chaos his friends warned you the male would bring— plus the many chilling glares from his countless fan girls, his presence never shook you the wrong way at all.

you weren’t complete strangers, but you weren’t well acquainted either. you were in a different class and the only time you’d see his pretty face was when you’d pass each other in the hallways. but, what's there not to like about oikawa tooru? he was attractive, a gentleman, a charmer, a friendly being, and everything was as easy as apple pie.

“hey, just a heads up, shittykawa over here has a habit of sleeping on anyone’s shoulder. don’t be afraid to push his head aside when you’re uncomfortable.” iwaizumi hajime, his best friend and the hunk of aoba johsai, patted your shoulder reassuringly before taking his seat behind the two of you, alongside him was hanamaki takahiro and matsukawa issei - who were snickering at the flustered setter beside you. 

for some reason, you thought iwaizumi was just joking or he said that to make oikawa look bad — in which he failed. and so you didn’t take his statement seriously, disregarding it completely. and now you regret ever doing so, because it turned out to come true, eventually biting you back in the ass.

things took a turn when you suddenly felt the weight of the world on your shoulder  — idiomatically and literally.

it was exactly 30 minutes into the drive to your destination and you were on your phone to pass by the time, minding your own business when you suddenly felt pressure on your shoulder. you peered at your shoulder, only to be met with the sight of a sleeping oikawa, snoring lightly with his lips slightly parted.

you stayed still as a rock, not wanting to disturb his slumber - which he probably needed. although you didn’t plan to get him off your shoulder any time soon, you were clueless as to what to do if he doesn’t wake up. you glanced at his friends, who were expecting the whole thing to happen.

“do you need help with him?” hanamaki questioned, taking notice of your gaze at their trio. iwaizumi took your loss of words as agreement and got ready to shake his friend awake, until you stopped him.

“i-it’s okay.. i don’t mind really,” you reassured the three, giving a warm smile before focusing back on your phone, catching glimpses of the sleeping oikawa once in a while. you were far from annoyed. if anything else, you found it comforting for no apparent reason, his warmth that is. 

once you knew he was deep in rest, you shifted to a much more comfortable position for the two of you, one where you can almost smell his scent. which was a big mistake, because you remembered your allergies to this specific shampoo which was unfortunately the one he had right now. 

loreal shampoo.

oh the terror it gave you, you started to get war flashbacks to when you used it on your own hair as well, the horror of sneezing until your eyes were watery sent shivers down your spine at the cringe. 

and as much as you attempted to conceal your allergies, it backfired in the end and now you were left in a mess; sneezing profusely while scrambling to get your medications. you cursed your sensitive nostrils, seeing as you’ve woken up the brunette beside you, unaware of the situation at hand, his half lidded eyes looking around in a daze.

in the process of consuming your medicine, he asked if you were okay, rubbing the tiredness away from his eyes. 

“i.. don’t like your shampoo.” you managed to reply back in the midst of trying to calm down from the sudden attack of your allergies. oikawa, being clueless as to what you were trying to imply, took offense in your words. yet you couldn’t blame him, your answer was quite vague and it caught him off guard.

“well to be honest, i don’t like your perfume,” he retorted back with a pout embellishing his features, earning him an awfully painful smack on the back of his head from iwaizumi, accompanied with the eye rolls coming from hanamaki and matsukawa.

“dumbass, they have rhinitis. your shampoo triggered their allergies” iwaizumi explained to the setter, who was wincing in agony from the impact. You were on the verge of apologizing when the words that escaped his lips gave a sense of familiarity, as though you were accustomed to the sentence.

and then it both hit you. oikawa’s brown eyes dilated with realization, that look of his says it all. it was happening. how could you ever forget those words you were longing to hear, those words that you knew would bring you to your destiny someday?

it felt too surreal, you were immobilized with disbelief and shock. 

but then you felt an itch on your hand. and in a synchronized manner, you and oikawa looked at your own wrists, it was really happening. he was your soulmate. your promised lover. 

‘7/19/20.

2:20 PM’

the letters read in gold ink, a sight to behold. (e/c) irises clashed with one of chocolate brown, filled with bewilderment. your face heated up at the sight of his pink tinted cheeks. you’ve found your way home.

“what’s going on? they’re acting strange...” matsukawa whispers in hanamaki’s ear, baffled at the scene in front of him. iwaizumi then points a finger at their wrists, the distinct color of gold catching his attention.

after a while of literally staring into each other’s souls, a hearty laugh escapes your lips. the corners of oikawa’s lips tugged into a genuine smile, in which you reciprocated with one of your own. 

you were grateful that your first encounter was one of mediocrity - in a good way, of course. it was as if you were meeting an old friend, the warmth that his gaze holds gave you a sense of comfort. 

that smile of his was practically screaming ‘you’re home’. you’ve finally met your soulmate; face to face, and now your destiny rests in his hands, while his rests on your own.

the situation eventually calmed down and you two finally accepted the fact that you are soulmates. the bus was silent, light snores echoing, and everything was tranquil. you could see oikawa’s struggle from the corner of your eyes, his eyelids getting heavier for the nth time, trying not to repeat his mistake from earlier. 

“oikawa-”

“tooru, call me tooru please,” he corrected, a lopsided grin plastered on his face. his eyes fluttering, attempting to stay awake. 

“tooru, it’s okay, you can sleep on my lap instead,” you chuckled, hearing him mumble his gratitude, his head making its way to your lap. it was as if immediately, he was off to dream land once again, your hands gently running through his soft locks whilst trying to doze off as well.

“y’know, i think we should recommend each other products sometime.”

“good idea, maybe after this trip, tooru.”

“deal. well, good night.. my soulmate.”

“sweet dreams, my home.”

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[recurring-polynya]

I have to say I knew that at one point renji, ikkaku, yumichika and iba were in the same squad with kenpachi but good god you managed to paint a beautiful picture for me. I simply assumed that for them it was simply party time all the time along with a few bald jokes but this is much better. Emotionally healthy squad 11 which still love fighting more than anything. I always cringed when someone would just describe them as hooligans that do nothing but fighting. I mean they do that too but I love the idea that they are all emotionally healthy and mature, a loving and supportive family to their own - in their own wakka doodoo kind of way thats endearing - and of course they are in my opinion they single capable force against sexisim. Because they don't care about anything else - gendere, sexuality, gender performances, race, mentality or anything - other than if you fight good you respectable and if you fight good in squad 11 you family. ( like when kenpachi just became captain he made yachiru his lieutenant and no one was against it no one thought it was beneath them, sure thru nag at her sometimes but that's mostly in a banter like way because she call them stupid nicknames but no one hates her for being unrightfully their superior. One day they got a new captain and a new lieutenant that's a child and they just went with it.) I admit their disdain and disrespect to squad 4 is still frowned upon but I do believe some squad 4s can handle their own, it's just that we saw the really peaceful ones. Anyways sorry for ranting. Just wanted to say that yeah, I really like how the past squad 11 with iba and renji in it was a great place in general. I think if they found out some one was being sexist - for whatever reason - they would be there right next to nanao - or iba's mom protesting. Kenpachi and yachiru as well. And that makes me want to be squad 11 ,despite not being much for fighting, so bad.

So, for starters, thanks! I try to have fun whenever I write Squad 11, and I’m glad you enjoy my take on them.

My Squad 11 is just... really not very canon, though. Canon Squad 11 is actually pretty gross and sexist. Yumichika is transphobic, Kenpachi makes homophobic remarks about Yumichika, they bully Squad 4, there’s a filler episode devoted to a guy that Ikkaku bullied for, like 100 years because the guy lost his reiatsu saving Ikkaku’s dumb ass.

When you write fanfic, you occasionally run into these more problematic aspects of the source media, and you can choose to dig in and analyze them, or just... remake them in your own way. Take for example, Gin. If you read fanfic about Gin, there are some people who will peel away the layers of him and his fears and insecurities and still make him be a horrible gremlin, and it’s really stellar writing. Other people prefer to write him in an AU where maybe less bad stuff happened to him, and he’s more mischievous than sociopathic, and this is a less meaty interpretation, but it’s also more fun. Sometimes fanfic is a meal and sometimes it’s candy. It fulfills different needs and different fantasies and all of it is welcome.

Yumichika, who for me is the fulcrum of Squad 11, presents this problem. I really don’t like the way his “appreciation for beauty” plays out in canon. He doesn’t actually appreciate beauty, he just likes telling other people they’re ugly. I don’t think he’s ever pointed out beauty in anyone else aside from himself or his zanpakutou. I remember the first time I watched his fight with Charlotte and it struck me as so off -- why wouldn’t he find her beautiful? I mean, I know it’s a transmysogynistic joke, that’s why, men dressed as women is funny, hurr hurr, but Yumichika is gender nonconforming himself. This was an opportunity to make a cool character point, and Kubo took the cheap laughs road instead. Going back to what I said last paragraph, a skilled writer could, in theory, write about his insecurities and his brittleness and meanness and write a pretty compelling story, but a) Kubo certainly doesn’t, and I have never actually found a Yumichika-centric fanfic of this nature, and b) this doesn’t fit the role I need him to play in my stories. I am rarely really interested in writing about Squad 11 for its own sake. I like to write them as a backdrop for the period of Renji’s afterlife where he hit absolute rock bottom and bounced back up again. We already know the role Ikkaku played in this, except that Ikkaku is a complete moron in terms of mental health, and I really, really felt like this is where Yumichika needed to come in.

I like to massage Yumichika’s character a bit, but I do want to keep the flavor of some of his character flaws-- he’s still shallow and mean and judgy, and I love that for him, but I like to add in a positive side to his appreciation for beauty. Having Yumichika make fun of Izuru’s pores is funny but it’s even funnier if he’s just given Renji a compliment on his hair first. The idea that a Yumichika compliment is attainable makes all his drags the more vicious. Yumichika also judged people by their beauty instead of their moral character, which is humorous to me. He dislikes Byakuya as a person, but is obsessed with his haircare regime. I like to have him treat Rangiku as an equal, beauty-wise, and a person whose opinion he respects based on her aesthetic. Rangiku is actually a pretty savvy and very emotionally intelligent person whom many people write off because she likes to present herself as a lazy airhead, so in an extremely convoluted way, this all works out. I like to think that Yumichika’s ideas of beauty are also caught up in boldness and risk-taking and having one’s outward presentation ring true to their inner self. To me, this is the core of why he loves Ikkaku. To him, Ikkaku’s devotion to doing the most Ikkaku thing at all times, no matter how stupid, is irresistibly sexy. 

Aside: At some point, I decided that the fact that a lot of people in Bleach have colorful marks on their faces and elaborate hairstyle and accessory games implied that make-up in Soul Society is gender neutral. I like to think there is actually more of a divide between the nobility, who like their make-up to follow rules and be classy, and, well, Squad 11, who like to get make-up ideas from Jem and the Holograms. I don’t even wear makeup (I don’t know how and it’s expensive and I am ashamed of myself, we can talk about my own gender presentation later) but I like to write about both my male and female characters wearing make-up. I don’t actually know how my readers feel about it, but it just falls under the “Is that what people want?”/“It’s what we do” philosophy of all my writing.

I think one of the theses of my writing is that middle management is more important to the character of a squad than the person at the top. Captains sort of act as ideals to strive for, but they are generally unapproachable for one reason or another. Yachiru is more like her captain in this respect (which makes sense, since she is, in fact part of her captain). Ikkaku and Yumichika present this dual idea that 1) strength is awesome, fighting and being the best is awesome, and 2) part of strength is presenting yourself to the world in a bold and confrontational way. (The fact that both of them are hiding huge parts of themselves is laughably ironic). Kenpachi and Yachiru are shining examples of Do Whatever You Want and Be So Strong That No One Can Stop You. 

What really makes this work is that you need someone one layer down-- does anyone actually subscribe to this nonsense, and that’s why Iba - Abarai Squad 11 is Best Squad 11. I really, really enjoy the genre of Reddit posts where a total bro will find out that his girlfriend is trans and react by becoming a vehement advocate for trans rights. I love the bodybuilders typing encouragement to each other meme. Our world is flooded with disingenuous messages from concern trolls trying to tell us why being kind and inclusive to one another is bad or that you should reject help because struggle makes you stronger and the idea of a Himbo looking at something like that and saying “that seems dumb" is delightful to me.

I actually feel like there are a lot of awful people with bad ideas in Squad 11, it’s just that Renji and Iba don’t put up with their shit, and over time, that becomes the culture of Squad 11. I think that Squad 11 has incredibly turnover, but the ones who stay are the ones who subscribe to the ideas you mentioned-- fighting is what matters, if you wanna go argue about shit, go join Squad 5. In the IkkaYumi story I wrote, which happens shortly after Zaraki takes over, a ton of people leave. The Bount Arc (which I know a lot of people skipped) features a dude who was extremely pissed off because he had liked the old Kenpachi and thought Zaraki sucked and was so mad about it that he betrayed Soul Society. You might think that this arc would feature Zaraki caring about this in some way shape or form, but he really didn’t. So, I think there are a lot of Soul Reapers that took issue with serving under a little girl as a vice captain, they just aren’t in Squad 11 anymore.

Oh, one last note on Iba’s mom. I am of an age where a number of my friends have mothers who were Second Wave Feminists. The moms in question are a real mixed bag, because they Came From a Different Time, and on one hand, you have to respect what they went through, and on the other hand, they are very difficult to get along with. I liked the idea that Iba has always chafed against his mom and her big personality, and then Renji comes in, and is like, “hey, your mom is strong as hell and she has a lot of ideas that I never thought of but they make sense” and Iba realizes that, even though she’s still a huge pain in his ass, his mom is the person who made him who he is. Moms are complex.

Uhhhh, I have definitely lost the thread of wherever I was going with this post. Thank you for enjoying my Squad 11, which is nothing like canon Squad 11. Hopefully maybe this year, I will actually finish my Squad 11 Self Care story, where Renji stops being a drunk disaster person after Yumichika teaches him how to fill his brows; I got stuck on a part where Rangiku gives Renji a talk on ethical sluttery.

[alexlabhont]

I didn’t mean to fall in love with you

Chapter nine.

Book: Queen B - Choices (Universe)

Pairing:  Poppy Min-Sinclair x Trans!Male MC (Beck Hughes)

Genre: Canon re-write (Because I can)

Rating: Anyone can read it, really

Tags: @dopeyouth @theymakemegayer @save-me-the-last-dance @poppysmc (If anyone want to be tagged in, just tell me)

This is me trying to write by and for the Trans community, specially FTM community, meaning, trans guys, but I actually took the liberty to use They/them pronouns for everyone out there who´s interested (Also, the name Beck was the most neutral one I could find, trying to use the cannon Bea Hughes)

If you have any comment, PLEASE BE RESPECTFULL and patient with me. This is also my first english fanfic and english is not my mother language, so… i’m sorry fo the grammar errors. I also installed recently Grammary, so... hope its worth it.

CHAPTERS

Chapter eight

ONE-SHOTS

Just a dance (Zoey x MC)

—————————————————————— 

"Zoey, please... Can we just talk about this?"

 Beck asked, sounding tired but worried while sitting in the common room. Their eyes glued to the other girl passing back and forth inside the kitchen, pretending to be alright as she made some tea to herself. Even Pepes knew something was off, that little ugly face looked at her with those sad cute eyes as if he was grounded because of something he didn't understand.

 "Talk about what exactly?" Zoey stopped for a second to look at them, she was pissed, the tension over her shoulders was like concrete. "About how you always manage to take my warnings and toss them in the trash? The way you keep going on and playing with fire over and over again despite my attempts to keep you safe? Whatever Beck, is your life."

 They closed their eyes for a second, breathing deep. This problem started the moment Zoey saw Poppy in the room with Beck a few moments ago, and while the Queen B left almost immediately after that because of some business back at the shelter, Beck could feel their roommate's disagreement so thick and still in the air that they could almost cut it with a knife.

 "Why are you so mad about it, anyway?" Beck asked, feeling a bit upset. "I get that you don't like her and all, but..."

 "I don't trust her, Beck." She replied sharply. "She's mean, she's selfish, she's a spoiled brat who is not up to something good and you're falling into her web. She's gonna use you the moment she has the chance and throw you aside when she's tired!"

 Something inside Beck snapped at that. Yes, they definitely did understand where that came from, for all they knew, Poppy made Zoey's life hell since day one, treating her badly constantly. Even Beck was once a victim of the blonde's anger and resentment during their first months in Belvoire, so much so that Beck thought she was naturally mean and a complete bitch. But, somehow, they had a chance that maybe nobody had before, to get to know her, and slowly they began to see that- maybe she wasn't a born-bitch, maybe she didn't know another way. Maybe she wasn't taught better. Something on their chest knew that, deep down, Poppy wasn't that bad at all.

 "How-how can you know that?!" Beck said, standing on their feet. They didn't like a bit the way Zoey was talking about the strawberry blonde. She wasn't there every single time Poppy showed them how much she cared about them, how kind and attentive she could be every time they were alone, and Beck was tired of all these misjudgments. "She can be mean and cruel sometimes, but it doesn't mean she has something planned to hurt me! I like her, a lot. And I think she likes me too. Why can't you be happy for me just this time?"

 To their surprise, Zoey scoffed sarcastically, as if she couldn't believe exactly that.

 "How can you be so naive, Beck? Do you think someone like Poppy is into someone like…"

 She stopped abruptly, realizing how bad it might sound.

 "Like me?" Beck asked suddenly, feeling hurt. All the times they heard people say shit like that, every single mockery and awful stares came back to their memory, making their chest hurt. The way Zoey looked at them broke Beck a little more.

 "Beck... I didn't mean it like that..."

 And they knew, Zoey would never say something to hurt them about being trans, but Beck couldn't help but feel a hit in the stomach. They latched their fists and looked down, clenching his jaw, waiting for her to speak before they let all their anger out.

 "What I meant to say is... " Zoey walked towards them, stopping until both were face to face. "She has been awful to you all this time and suddenly, one day to another she treats you right? You are different from her... In a good way, you're kind, talented, and down to earth. I'm just afraid you’ll fall into her claws and come to be like her, or worse... That she'd hurt you badly..."

 "I don't need your protection, Zoey" Beck said, feeling tired of being treated like some fragile being who needs to be protected. "I need you to trust me. Poppy has made some mistakes... But I know she cares about me. I know it! I can feel it every time we're together..."

 Zoey remained silent as if she was processing every word Beck said. In the meantime, Pepes jumped over their legs asking to be held, Beck took him carefully in their arms and snuggled him against them trying not to hurt their rib as they felt him curl up with a whimper.

 "I know, Pepes... Poppy's a whole different person to you too."

 Just at that moment, Zoey rested her arms around Beck, hugging them by the hips.

 "Beck, you know this goodie-Poppy better than anyone else on campus at least, so tell me... What do you think she feels about you?"

 "I think she wants me," Beck said, petting Pepes’ head softly. That wasn't even a question to think about, it only took them a minute to bring back all the moments together, every time Beck could feel Poppy's concern and protective side... Zoey had a point, but Beck decided to bet on Poppy's good side no matter what. "She really wants me, Zoey. She has proven that to me in her way."

 "Ok, next question. The real question. The one that matters." Beck could feel her taking a deep breath as if she were preparing herself to hear something she didn't want to listen to. "How do you feel about her?

 "I..." Beck thought about all those moments together, how that caramel eyes made them shiver, every time Poppy managed to take their breath away, her touch, her smile, gosh, even their fights, and that thunder-like personality she had... "I want to be with her. She really makes me feel something special, Zoey. This thing between us is challenging, thrilling, and keeps me on my toes but it can be a good thing... I truly like her."

 For a moment, Beck noticed Zoey's face fall for a second, defeated; but then, she pulled on a smile.

 "Well, if you trust her... I can trust her as well."

 Beck couldn't really believe that. Was she serious?

 "Do you really mean that?"

 "Why wouldn't I?" Zoey simply said. "I may still be skeptical of Poppy behavior, but I trust you, Beck. You're a one of a kind." Zoey sat down on the couch, slinging her feet up on the coffee table.

 Pepes barked happily as if he could understand the massive step Zoey just made, and jumped right to her legs, licking her face as excited as Beck would do it if they were a dog.

 "No, stop it! You're ruining my makeup!" Zoey laughed while Beck did the same, defiled by the scene. "You are so cute I actually forgive you for chewing on my Valentino pumps, you little monster." She scooped him up and placed him on her lap before turning her attention back to Beck. "'Kay, here's what you're gonna do about Poppy."

 "Take her on a date?" Beck asked, resulting in a giggle coming from Zoey's lips.

 "I love when we do this whole telepathy thing."

 "Really? It scares the shit out of me sometimes..." They said joking around. "Like that one time when...!"

 And because of that telepathic bound, Zoey didn't even let them finish that sentence, waving her hands in Beck's face while a red color crossed her cheeks.

 "Uh-uh-uh... We swore not to talk about it!"

 Yep, they both swore that. Sometimes, being roommates was a door to discover a lot of things about the other that may or may not be expected… at all.

 "Anyway..." Zoey continued. "You're going to take Poppy on a date. A real date. We all already know her lifestyle, but it's time to let her know about yours. To get to know you. And if you're really willing to trust her… You need to tell her about Bree." Beck looked away, biting the insides of their cheek. That actually made their heart jump with a little bit of fear. "That's the only way she'll be able to find out where her head is at and what your limits are."

 Pepes lunged for Zoey's fingers, but she snatched them back just in time.

 “Not the manicure.” She said angrily, making him off to go to break something maybe. Beck followed him with their eyes, feeling actually amused by the interactions, secretly loving that love-hate relationship Zoey and Pepes had, it was quite funny. “Quit smiling, Beck. It’s not funny.”

 “Oh, come on…!”

 “Back to Poppy.” She quickly said, avoiding Beck's jokes about how she would rather have a broken finger than a broken nail. “You have to show her what’s going to happen if she dates Beck, if she wants it or not, is up to her. Just remember one thing: you are totally worth it and priceless. No more underestimating you. Trust me, there's a ton of ladies who would gladly take her place.”

 Zoey smiled at them with a subtle hint Beck couldn’t fully place quite right, but they didn’t read too much into it, their mind was off, planning a lot of ideas for the date. There were a ton of possibilities for hot dates, but almost everything was so New York-ish that Poppy could do them with any person. Zoey was right, they needed to show her their true self, they had to open up to her…

 And frankly, that was really scary.

 So Beck took a deep breath and started typing on the phone.

Beck:

Hey. Wanna hang out?

 Ok, that was it. Beck had to admit it, it was always Poppy, the one who made the plans, he wasn’t fully interested nor ready at the time, like… really, who would ever want to date their bully? But now things had changed and so did the dynamic.

Poison Poppy:

Missing me already?

Beck snorted, but a second message came in.

Poison Poppy:

I’m not surprised, tho

I knew you were obsessed with me. Happens a lot.

Beck:

Take it easy, baby girl. It's just a walk. Don't read too much into it.

It was definitely a date, but they refused to let her win this one over; Beck could be as hard to get like her.

Poison Poppy:

Ew, don’t you ever call me like that ever again. 

Aren’t you supposed to be resting?  

Beck:

Is that a “no”?

Poppy saw the message but then went off-line. That actually scared Beck a little, because even though they knew she was busy at the shelter, their nerves kept on saying she wasn’t as thrilled as them to hang out, maybe they should’ve waited until Poppy told them she wanted a date or something, but again, where was their initiative? They were interested, so they needed it to show her what they wanted. “Relax, you were fine.” Beck said to them, even though their heart was beating fast. The Poppy Min-Sinclair effect. So they spend a little too much time reading the whole conversation, was something they said? There were no signs of anything, it was actually a normal-flirty conversation… right?

Sooner rather than later, the typing sign showed up, alarming Beck. Quickly, they tapped the menu button just to get out of the chat. They definitely did not want her to think they were waiting for her reply… even though they were.

Poison Poppy:

I just don’t want to make something to worsen your rib. I didn’t pay a doctor to go to waste.

Same old Poppy, Imma right?

Beck:

It’s going to be low-key, I promise. Does tomorrow morning works for you?

Poison Poppy:

See you then, tushi face 😉

Beck let out a breath they didn’t know they were holding, as the realization of what was happening hit them loud in their chest. Beck asked the Queen of Belvoire, their old enemy, the one and only Poppy Min-Sinclair for a date. And she said yes.

“Well… here goes nothing….”

____

Next

[ahouseoflies]

The Best Films of 2020

I can’t tell you anything novel or insightful about this year that has been stolen from our lives. I watched zero of these films in a theater, and I watched most of them half-asleep in moments that I stole from my children. Don’t worry, there are some jokes below.

GARBAGE

93. Capone (Josh Trank)- What is the point of this dinner theater trash? It takes place in the last year of Capone's life, when he was released from prison due to failing health and suffered a stroke in his Florida home. So it covers...none of the things that make Al Capone interesting? It's not historically accurate, which I have no problem with, but if you steer away from accuracy, then do something daring and exciting. Don't give me endless scenes of "Phonse"--as if the movie is running from the very person it's about--drawing bags of money that promise intrigue, then deliver nothing in return.

That being said, best "titular character shits himself" scene since The Judge.

92. Ammonite (Francis Lee)- I would say that this is the Antz to Portrait of a Lady on Fire's A Bug's Life, but it's actually more like the Cars 3 to Portrait of a Lady on Fire's Toy Story 1.

91. Ava (Tate Taylor)- Despite the mystery and inscrutability that usually surround assassins, what if we made a hitman movie but cared a lot about her personal life? Except neither the assassin stuff nor the family stuff is interesting?

90. Wonder Woman 1984 (Patty Jenkins)- What a miscalculation of what audiences loved about the first and wanted from the sequel. WW84 is silly and weightless in all of the ways that the first was elegant and confident. If the return of Pine is just a sort of phantom representation of Diana's desires, then why can he fly a real plane? If he is taking over another man's soul, then, uh, what ends up happening to that guy? For that matter, why is it not 1984 enough for Ronald Reagan to be president, but it is 1984 enough for the president to have so many Ronald Reagan signifiers that it's confusing? Why not just make a decision?

On paper, the me-first values of the '80s lend themselves to the monkey's paw wish logic of this plot. You could actually do something with the Star Wars program or the oil crisis. But not if the setting is played for only laughs and the screenplay explains only what it feels like.

89. Babyteeth (Shannon Murphy)- In this type of movie, there has to be a period of the Ben Mendelsohn character looking around befuddled about the new arrangement and going, "What's this now--he's going to be...living with us? The guy who tried to steal our medication? This is crazy!" But that's usually ten minutes, and in this movie it's an hour. I was so worn out by the end.

88. You Should Have Left (David Koepp)- David Koepp wrote Jurassic Park, so he's never going to hell, but how dare he start caring about his own mystery at the hour mark. There's a forty-five minute version of this movie that could get an extra star from me, and there's a three-hour version of Amanda Seyfried walking around in athleisure that would get four stars from me. What we actually get? No thanks.

87. Black Is King (Beyonce, et al.)- End your association with The Lion King, Bey. It has resulted in zero bops.

  ADMIRABLE FAILURES

86. Birds of Prey (And the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) (Cathy Yan)- There's nothing too dysfunctional in the storytelling or performances, but Birds of Prey also doesn't do a single thing well. I would prefer something alive and wild, even if it were flawed, to whatever tame belt-level formula this is.

85. The Turning (Floria Sigismondi)- This update of The Turn of the Screw pumps the age of Miles up to high school, which creates some horny creepiness that I liked. But the age of the character also prevents the ending of the novel from happening in favor of a truly terrible shrug. I began to think that all of the patience that the film showed earlier was just hesitance for its own awful ending.

I watched The Turning as a Mackenzie Davis Movie Star heat check, and while I'm not sure she has the magnetism I was looking for, she does have a great teacher voice, chastening but maternal.

84. Bloodshot (David Wilson)- A whole lot of Vin Diesel saying he's going to get revenge and kill a bunch of dudes; not a whole lot of Vin Diesel actually getting revenge and killing a bunch of dudes.

83. Downhill (Nat Faxon and Jim Rash)- I was an English major in college, which means I ended up locking myself into literary theories that, halfway through the writing of an essay, I realized were flawed. But rather than throw out the work that I had already proposed, I would just keep going and see if I could will the idea to success.

So let's say you have a theory that you can take Force Majeure by Ruben Ostlund, one of the best films of its year, and remake it so that its statement about familial anxiety could apply to Americans of the same age and class too...if it hadn't already. And maybe in the first paragraph you mess up by casting Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, people we are conditioned to laugh at, when maybe this isn't that kind of comedy at all. Well, don't throw it away. You can quote more--fill up the pages that way--take an exact shot or scene from the original. Does that help? Maybe you can make the writing more vigorous and distinctive by adding a character. Is that going to make this baby stand out? Maybe you could make it more personal by adding a conclusion that is slightly more clever than the rest of the paper?

Or perhaps this is one you're just not going to get an A on.

82. Hillbilly Elegy (Ron Howard)- I watched this melodrama at my mother's encouragement, and, though I have been trying to pin down her taste for decades, I think her idea of a successful film just boils down to "a lot of stuff happens." So in that way, Ron Howard's loss is my gain, I guess.

There is no such thing as a "neutral Terminator."

81. Relic (Natalie Erika James)- The star of the film is Vanessa Cerne's set decoration, but the inert music and slow pace cancel out a house that seems neglected slowly over decades.

80. Buffaloed (Tanya Wexler)- Despite a breathless pace, Buffaloed can't quite congeal. In trying to split the difference between local color hijinks and Moneyballed treatise on debt collection, it doesn't commit enough to either one.

Especially since Zoey Deutch produced this one in addition to starring, I'm getting kind of worried about boo's taste. Lot of Two If by Seas; not enough While You Were Sleepings.

79. Like a Boss (Miguel Arteta)- I chuckled a few times at a game supporting cast that is doing heavy lifting. But Like a Boss is contrived from the premise itself--Yeah, what if people in their thirties fell out of friendship? Do y'all need a creative consultant?--to the escalation of most scenes--Why did they have to hide on the roof? Why do they have to jump into the pool?

The movie is lean, but that brevity hurts just as much as it helps. The screenplay knows which scenes are crucial to the development of the friendship, but all of those feel perfunctory, in a different gear from the setpieces.  

To pile on a bit: Studio comedies are so bare bones now that they look like Lifetime movies. Arteta brought Chuck & Buck to Sundance twenty years ago, and, shot on Mini-DV for $250,000, it was seen as a DIY call-to-bootstraps. I guarantee that has more setups and locations and shooting days than this.

78. Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga (David Dobkin)- Add Dan Stevens to the list of supporting players who have bodied Will Ferrell in his own movie--one that he cared enough to write himself.  

Like Downhill, Ferrell's other 2020 release, this isn't exactly bad. It's just workmanlike and, aside from the joke about Demi Lovato's "uninformed" ghost, frustratingly conventional.

77. The Traitor (Marco Bellochio)- Played with weary commitment by Pierfrancesco Favino, Tomasso Buscetta is "credited" as the first informant of La Cosa Nostra. And that sounds like an interesting subject for a "based on a true story" crime epic, right? Especially when you find out that Buscetta became a rat out of principle: He believed that the mafia to which he had pledged his life had lost its code to the point that it was a different organization altogether.  

At no point does Buscetta waver or even seem to struggle with his decision though, so what we get is less conflicted than that description might suggest. None of these Italian mob movies glorify the lifestyle, so I wasn't expecting that. But if the crime doesn't seem enticing, and snitching on the crime seems like forlorn duty, and everything is pitched with such underhanded matter-of-factness that you can't even be sure when Buscetta has flipped, then what are we left with? It was interesting seeing how Italian courts work, I guess?

76. Kajillionaire (Miranda July)- This is another movie so intent on building atmosphere and lore that it takes too long to declare what it is. When the protagonist hits a breaking point and has to act, she has only a third of a film to grow. So whispery too.

Gina Rodriguez is the one to inject life into it. As soon as her motormouth winds up, the film slips into a different gear. The atmosphere and lore that I mentioned reeks of artifice, but her character is believably specific. Beneath a basic exterior is someone who is authentically caring but still morally compromised, beholden to the world that the other characters are suspicious of.

75. Scoob! (Tony Cervone)- The first half is sometimes clever, but it hammers home the importance of friendship while separating the friends.

The second half has some positive messaging, but your kids' movie might have a problem with scale if it involves Alexander the Great unlocking the gates of the Underworld.

My daughter loved it.

74. The Lovebirds (Michael Showalter)- If I start talking too much about this perfectly fine movie, I end up in that unfair stance of reviewing the movie I wanted, not what is actually there.* As a fan of hang-out comedies, I kind of resent that any comedy being made now has to be rolled into something more "exciting," whether it's a wrongfully accused or mistaken identity thriller or some other genre. Such is the post-Game Night world. There's a purposefully anti-climactic note that I wish The Lovebirds had ended on, but of course we have another stretch of hiding behind boats and shooting guns. Nanjiani and Rae are really charming leads though.

*- As a New Orleanian, I was totally distracted by the fake aspects of the setting too. "Oh, they walked to Jefferson from downtown? Really?" You probably won't be bothered by the locations.

73. Sonic the Hedgehog (Jeff Fowler)- In some ways the storytelling is ambitious. (I'm speaking for only myself, but I'm fine with "He's a hedgehog, and he's really fast" instead of the owl mother, teleportation backstory. Not everything has to be Tolkien.) But that ambition doesn't match the lack of ambition in the comedy, which depends upon really hackneyed setups and structures. Guiding Jim Carrey to full alrighty-then mode was the best choice anyone made.

72. Malcolm & Marie (Sam Levinson)- The stars move through these long scenes with agility and charisma, but the degree of difficulty is just too high for this movie to reach what it's going for.

Levinson is trying to capture an epic fight between a couple, and he can harness the theatrical intensity of such a thing, but he sacrifices almost all of the nuance. In real life, these knock-down-drag-outs can be circular and indirect and sad in a way that this couple's manipulation rarely is. If that emotional truth is all this movie is trying to achieve, I feel okay about being harsh in my judgment of how well it does that.

71. Beanpole (Kantemir Balagov)- Elusive in how it refuses to declare itself, forthright in how punishing it is. The whole thing might be worth it for a late dinner scene, but I'm getting a bit old to put myself through this kind of misery.

70. The Burnt Orange Heresy (Giuseppe Capotondi)- Silly in good ways until it's silly in bad ways. Elizabeth Debicki remains 6'3".

69. Everybody’s Everything (Sebastian Jones and Ramez Silyan)- As a person who listened to Lil Peep's music, I can confidently say that this documentary is overstating his greatness. His death was a significant loss, as the interview subjects will all acknowledge, but the documentary is more useful as a portrait of a certain unfocused, rapacious segment of a generation that is high and online at all times.

68. The Witches (Robert Zemeckis)- Robert Zemeckis, Kenya Barris, and Guillermo Del Toro are the credited screenwriters, and in a fascinating way, you can see the imprint of each figure on the final product. Adapting a very European story to the old wives' tales of the American South is an interesting choice. Like the Nicolas Roeg try at this material, Zemeckis is not afraid to veer into the terrifying, and Octavia Spencer's pseudo witch doctor character only sells the supernatural. From a storytelling standpoint though, it seems as if the obstacles are overcome too easily, as if there's a whole leg of the film that has been excised. The framing device and the careful myth-making of the flashback make promises that the hotel half of the film, including the abrupt ending, can't live up to.

If nothing else, Anne Hathaway is a real contender for Most On-One Performance of the year.

67. Irresistible (Jon Stewart)- Despite a sort of imaginative ending, Jon Stewart's screenplay feels more like the declarative screenplay that would get you hired for a good movie, not a good screenplay itself. It's provocative enough, but it's clumsy in some basic ways and never evades the easy joke.

For example, the Topher Grace character is introduced as a sort of assistant, then is re-introduced an hour later as a polling expert, then is shown coaching the candidate on presentation a few scenes later. At some point, Stewart combined characters into one role, but nothing got smoothed out.

ENDEARING CURIOSITIES WITH BIG FLAWS

66. Yes, God, Yes (Karen Maine)- Most people who are Catholic, including me, are conflicted about it. Most people who make movies about being Catholic hate it and have an axe to grind. This film is capable of such knowing wit and nuance when it comes to the lived-in details of attending a high school retreat, but it's more concerned with taking aim at hypocrisy in the broad way that we've seen a million times. By the end, the film is surprisingly all-or-nothing when Christian teenagers actually contain multitudes.

Part of the problem is that Karen Maine's screenplay doesn't know how naive to make the Alice character. Sometimes she's reasonably naive for a high school senior in 2001; sometimes she's comically naive so that the plot can work; and sometimes she's stupid, which isn't the same as naive.

65. Bad Boys for Life (Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah)- This might be the first buddy cop movie in which the vets make peace with the tech-comm youngs who use new techniques. If that's the only novelty on display here--and it is--then maybe that's enough. I laughed maybe once. Not that the mistaken identity subplot of Bad Boys 1 is genius or anything, but this entry felt like it needed just one more layer to keep it from feeling as basic as it does. Speaking of layers though, it's almost impossible to watch any Will Smith movie now without viewing it through the meta-narrative of "What is Will Smith actually saying about his own status at this point in his career?" He's serving it up to us.

I derived an inordinate amount of pleasure from seeing the old school Simpson/Bruckheimer logo.

64. The Gentlemen (Guy Ritchie)- Look, I'm not going to be too negative on a movie whose crime slang is so byzantine that it has to be explained with subtitles. That's just me. I'm a simple man. But I can tell you that I tuned out pretty hard after seven or eight double-crosses.

The bloom is off the rose a bit for Ritchie, but he can still nail a music cue. I've been waiting for someone to hit "That's Entertainment" the way he does on the end credits.

63. Bad Hair (Justin Simien)- In Bad Hair, an African-American woman is told by her boss at a music video channel in 1989 that straightening her hair is the way to get ahead; however, her weave ends up having a murderous mind of its own. Compared to that charged, witty logline, the execution of the plot itself feels like a laborious, foregone conclusion. I'm glad that Simien, a genuinely talented writer, is making movies again though. Drop the skin-care routine, Van Der Beek!

62. Greyhound (Aaron Schneider)- "If this is the type of role that Tom Hanks writes for himself, then he understands his status as America's dad--'wise as the serpent, harmless as the dove'--even better than I thought." "America's Dad! Aye aye, sir!" "At least half of the dialogue is there for texture and authenticity, not there to be understood by the audience." "Fifty percent, Captain!" "The environment looks as fake as possible, but I eventually came around to the idea that the movie is completely devoid of subtext." "No subtext to be found, sir!"

  61. Mank (David Fincher)- About ten years ago, the Creative Screenwriting podcast spent an hour or so with James Vanderbilt, the writer of Zodiac and nothing else that comes close, as he relayed the creative paces that David Fincher pushed him through. Hundreds of drafts and years of collaborative work eventuated in the blueprint for Fincher's most exacting, personal film, which he didn't get a writing credit on only because he didn't seek one.

Something tells me that Fincher didn't ask for rewrites from his dead father. No matter what visuals and performances the director can coax from the script--and, to be clear, these are the worst visuals and performances of his career--they are limited by the muddy lightweight pages. There are plenty of pleasures, like the slippery election night montage or the shakily platonic relationship between Mank and Marion. But Fincher hadn't made a film in six years, and he came back serving someone else's master.

60. Tesla (Michael Almereyda)- "You live inside your head." "Doesn't everybody?"

As usual, Almereyda's deconstructions are invigorating. (No other moment can match the first time Eve Hewson's Anne fact-checks something with her anachronistic laptop.) But they don't add up to anything satisfying because Tesla himself is such an opaque figure. Driven by the whims of his curiosity without a clear finish line, the character gives Hawke something enigmatic to play as he reaches deep into a baritone. But he's too inward to lend himself to drama. Tesla feels of a piece with Almereyda's The Experimenter, and that's the one I would recommend.

59. Vitalina Varela (Pedro Costa)- I can't oversell how delicately beautiful this film is visually. There's a scene in which Vitalina lugs a lantern into a church, but we get several seconds of total darkness before that one light source carves through it and takes over part of the frame. Each composition is as intricate as it is overpowering, achieving a balance between stark and mannered.

That being said, most of the film is people entering or exiting doors. I felt very little of the haunting loss that I think I was supposed to.

58. The Rhythm Section (Reed Morano)- Call it the Timothy Hutton in The General's Daughter Corollary: If a name-actor isn't in the movie much but gets third billing, then, despite whom he sends the protagonist to kill, he is the Actual Bad Guy.  

Even if the movie serves up a lot of cliche, the action and sound design are visceral. I would like to see more from Morano.

57. Red, White and Blue (Steve McQueen)- Well-made and heartfelt even if it goes step-for-step where you think it will.

Here's what I want to know though: In the academy training sequence, the police cadets have to subdue a "berserker"; that is, a wildman who swings at their riot gear with a sledgehammer. Then they get him under control, and he shakes their hands, like, "Good angle you took on me there, mate." Who is that guy and where is his movie? Is this full-time work? Is he a police officer or an independent contractor? What would happen if this exercise didn't go exactly as planned?

56. Wolfwalkers (Tomm Moore and Ross Stewart)- The visuals have an unfinished quality that reminded me of The Tale of Princess Kaguya--the center of a flame is undrawn white, and fog is just negative space. There's an underlying symmetry to the film, and its color palette changes with mood.

Narratively, it's pro forma and drawn-out. Was Riley in Inside Out the last animated protagonist to get two parents? My daughter stuck with it, but she needed a lot of context for the religious atmosphere of 17th century Ireland.

55. What She Said: The Art of Pauline Kael (Rob Garver)- The film does little more than one might expect; it's limited in the way that any visual medium is when trying to sum up a woman of letters. But as far as education for Kael's partnership with Warren Beatty or the idea of The New Yorker paying her for only six months out of the year, it was useful for me.  

Although Garver isn't afraid to point to the work that made Kael divisive, it would have been nice to have one or two interview subjects who questioned her greatness, rather than the crew of Paulettes who, even when they do say something like, "Sometimes I radically disagreed with her," do it without being able to point to any specifics.

54. Beastie Boys Story (Spike Jonze)- As far as this Spike Jonze completist is concerned, this is more of a Powerpoint presentation than a movie, Beastie Boys Story still warmed my heart, making me want to fire up Paul's Boutique again and take more pictures of my buddies.

53. Tenet (Christopher Nolan)- Cool and cold, tantalizing and frustrating, loud and indistinct, Tenet comes close to Nolan self-parody, right down to the brutalist architecture and multiple characters styled like him. The setpieces grabbed me, I'll admit.

Nolan's previous film, which is maybe his best, was "about" a lot and just happened to play with time; Tenet is only about playing with time.

PRETTY GOOD MOVIES

52. Shithouse (Cooper Raiff)- "Death is ass."

There's such a thing as too naturalistic. If I wanted to hear how college freshmen really talked, I would hang out with college freshmen. But you have to take the good verisimilitude with the bad, and good verisimilitude is the mother's Pod Save America t-shirt.

There are some poignant moments (and a gonzo performance from Logan Miller) in this auspicious debut from Cooper Raiff, the writer/director/editor/star. But the second party sequence kills some of the momentum, and at a crucial point, the characters spell out some motivation that should have stayed implied.

51. Totally Under Control (Alex Gibney, Ophelia Harutyunyan, Suzanne Hillinger)- As dense and informative as any other Gibney documentary with the added flex of making it during the pandemic it is investigating.

But yeah, why am I watching this right now? I don't need more reasons to be angry with Trump, whom this film calmly eviscerates. The directors analyze Trump's narcissism first through his contradictions of medical expertise in order to protect the economy that could win him re-election. Then it takes aim at his hiring based on loyalty instead of experience. But you already knew that, which is the problem with the film, at least for now.

50. Happiest Season (Clea Duvall)- I was in the perfect mood to watch something this frothy and bouncy. Every secondary character receives a moment in the sun, and Daniel Levy gets a speech that kind of saves the film at a tipping point.

I must say though: I wanted to punch Harper in her stupid face. She is a terrible romantic partner, abandoning or betraying Abby throughout the film and dissembling her entire identity to everyone else in a way that seems absurd for a grown woman in 2020. Run away, Kristen. Perhaps with Aubrey Plaza, whom you have more chemistry with. But there I go shipping and aligning myself with characters, which only proves that this is an effective romantic comedy.

49. The Way Back (Gavin O’Connor)- Patient but misshapen, The Way Back does just enough to overcome the cliches that are sort of unavoidable considering the genre. (I can't get enough of the parent character who, for no good reason, doesn't take his son's success seriously. "Scholarship? What he's gotta do is put his nose in them books! That's why I don't go to his games. [continues moving boxes while not looking at the other character] Now if you'll excuse me while I wait four scenes before showing up at a game to prove that I'm proud of him after all...")

What the movie gets really right or really wrong in the details about coaching and addiction is a total crap-shoot. But maybe I've said too much already.

48. The Whistlers (Corneliu Porumboiu)- Porumboiu is a real artist who seems to be interpreting how much surveillance we're willing to acknowledge and accept, but I won't pretend to have understood much of the plot, the chapters or which are told out of order. Sometimes the structure works--the beguiling, contextless "high-class hooker" sequence--but I often wondered if the film was impenetrable in the way that Porumboiu wanted it to be or impenetrable in the way he didn't.

To tell you the truth, the experience kind of depressed me because I know that, in my younger days, this film is the type of thing that I would re-watch, possibly with the chronology righted, knowing that it is worth understanding fully. But I have two small children, and I'm exhausted all the time, and I kind of thought I should get some credit for still trying to catch up with Romanian crime movies in the first place.

47. Borat Subsequent Moviefilm (Jason Woliner)- I laughed too much to get overly critical, but the film is so episodic and contrived that it's kind of exhausting by the end--even though it's achieving most of its goals. Maybe Borat hasn't changed, but the way our citizens own their ugliness has.

46. First Cow (Kelly Reichardt)- Despite how little happens in the first forty minutes, First Cow is a thoughtful capitalism parable. Even though it takes about forty minutes to get going, the friendship between Cookie and King-Lu is natural and incisive. Like Reichardt's other work, the film's modest premise unfolds quite gracefully, except for in the first forty minutes, which are uneventful.

45. Les Miserables (Ladj Ly)- I loved parts of the film--the disorienting, claustrophobic opening or the quick look at the police officers' home lives, for example. But I'm not sure that it does anything very well. The needle the film tries to thread between realism and theater didn't gel for me. The ending, which is ambiguous in all of the wrong ways, chooses the theatrical. (If I'm being honest, my expectations were built up by Les Miserables' Jury Prize at Cannes, and it's a bit superficial to be in that company.)

If nothing else, it's always helpful to see how another country's worst case scenario in law enforcement would look pretty good over here.

44. Bad Education (Cory Finley)- The film feels too locked-down and small at the beginning, so intent on developing the protagonist neutrally that even the audience isn't aware of his secrets. So when he faces consequences for those secrets, there's a disconnect. Part of tragedy is seeing the doom coming, right?

When it opens up, however, it's empathetic and subtle, full of a dry irony that Finley is already specializing in after only one other feature. Geraldine Viswanathan and Allison Janney get across a lot of interiority that is not on the page.

43. The Trip to Greece (Michael Winterbottom)- By the fourth installment, you know whether you're on board with the franchise. If you're asking "Is this all there is?" to Coogan and Brydon's bickering and impressions as they're served exotic food in picturesque settings, then this one won't sway you. If you're asking "Is this all there is?" about life, like they are, then I don't need to convince you.  

I will say that The Trip to Spain seemed like an enervated inflection point, at which the squad could have packed it in. The Trip to Greece proves that they probably need to keep doing this until one of them dies, which has been the subtext all along.

42. Feels Good Man (Arthur Jones)- This documentary centers on innocent artist Matt Furie's helplessness as his Pepe the Frog character gets hijacked by the alt-right. It gets the hard things right. It's able to, quite comprehensively, trace a connection from 4Chan's use of Pepe the Frog to Donald Trump's near-assuming of Pepe's ironic deniability. Director Arthur Jones seems to understand the machinations of the alt-right, and he articulates them chillingly.

The easy thing, making us connect to Furie, is less successful. The film spends way too much time setting up his story, and it makes him look naive as it pits him against Alex Jones in the final third. Still, the film is a quick ninety-two minutes, and the highs are pretty high.

41. The Old Guard (Gina Prince-Bythewood)- Some of the world-building and backstory are handled quite elegantly. The relationships actually do feel centuries old through specific details, and the immortal conceit comes together for an innovative final action sequence.

Visually and musically though, the film feels flat in a way that Prince-Bythewood's other films do not. I blame Netflix specs. KiKi Layne, who tanked If Beale Street Could Talk for me, nearly ruins this too with the child-actory way that she stresses one word per line. Especially in relief with one of our more effortless actresses, Layne is distracting.

40. The Trial of the Chicago 7 (Aaron Sorkin)- Whenever Sacha Baron Cohen's Abbie Hoffman opens his mouth, the other defendants brace themselves for his dismissive vulgarity. Even when it's going to hurt him, he can't help but shoot off at the mouth. Of course, he reveals his passionate and intelligent depths as the trial goes on. The character is the one that Sorkin's screenplay seems the most endeared to: In the same way that Hoffman can't help but be Hoffman, Sorkin can't help but be Sorkin. Maybe we don't need a speech there; maybe we don't have to stretch past two hours; maybe a bon mot diffuses the tension. But we know exactly what to expect by now. The film is relevant, astute, witty, benevolent, and, of course, in love with itself. There are a handful of scenes here that are perfect, so I feel bad for qualifying so much.

A smaller point: Daniel Pemberton has done great work in the past (Motherless Brooklyn, King Arthur, The Man from U.N.C.L.E.), but the first sequence is especially marred by his sterile soft-rock approach.

  GOOD MOVIES

39. Time (Garrett Bradley)- The key to Time is that it provides very little context. Why the patriarch of this family is serving sixty years in prison is sort of besides the point philosophically. His wife and sons have to move on without him, and the tragedy baked into that fact eclipses any notion of what he "deserved." Feeling the weight of time as we switch back and forth between a kid talking about his first day of kindergarten and that same kid graduating from dentistry school is all the context we need. Time's presentation can be quite sumptuous: The drone shot of Angola makes its buildings look like crosses. Or is it X's?

At the same time, I need some context. When director Garrett Bradley withholds the reason Robert's in prison, and when she really withholds that Fox took a plea and served twelve years, you start to see the strings a bit. You could argue that knowing so little about why, all of a sudden, Robert can be on parole puts you into the same confused shoes as the family, but it feels manipulative to me. The film is preaching to the choir as far as criminal justice goes, which is fine, but I want it to have the confidence to tell its story above board.

38. Bloody Nose, Empty Pockets (Turner Ross and Bill Ross IV)- I have a barfly friend whom I see maybe once a year. When we first set up a time to meet, I kind of dread it and wonder what we'll have to talk about. Once we do get together, we trip on each other's words a bit, fumbling around with the rhythm of conversation that we mastered decades ago. He makes some kind of joke that could have been appropriate then but isn't now.

By the end of the day, hours later, we're hugging and maybe crying as we promise each other that we won't wait as long next time.

That's the exact same journey that I went on with this film.

37. Underwater (William Eubank)- Underwater is a story that you've seen before, but it's told with great confidence and economy. I looked up at twelve minutes and couldn't believe the whole table had been set. Kristen plays Ripley and projects a smart, benevolent poise.

36. The Lodge (Veronika Franz and Severin Fiala)- I prefer the grounded, manicured first half to the more fantastic second half. The craziness of the latter is only possible through the hard work of the former though. As with Fiala and Franz's previous feature, the visual rhymes and motifs get incorporated into the soup so carefully that you don't realize it until they overwhelm you in their bleak glory.

Small note: Alicia Silverstone, the male lead's first wife, and Riley Keough, his new partner, look sort of similar. I always think that's a nice note: "I could see how he would go for her."

35. Miss Americana (Lana Wilson)- I liked it when I saw it as a portrait of a person whose life is largely decided for her but is trying to carve out personal spaces within that hamster wheel. I loved it when I realized that describes most successful people in their twenties.

34. Sound of Metal (Darius Marder)- Riz Ahmed is showing up on all of the best performances of the year lists, but Sound of Metal isn't in anyone's top ten films of the year. That's about right. Ahmed's is a quiet, stubborn performance that I wish was in service of more than the straight line that we've seen before.

In two big scenes, there's this trick that Ahmed does, a piecing together of consequences with his eyes, as if he's moving through a flow chart in real time. In both cases, the character seems locked out and a little slower than he should be, which is, of course, why he's facing the consequences in the first place. To be charitable to a film that was a bit of a grind, it did make me notice a thing a guy did with his eyes.

33. Pieces of a Woman (Kornel Mundruczo)- Usually when I leave acting showcases like this, I imagine the film without the Oscar-baiting speeches, but this is a movie that specializes in speeches. Pieces of a Woman is being judged, deservedly so, by the harrowing twenty-minute take that opens the film, which is as indulgent as it is necessary. But if the unbroken take provides the "what," then the speeches provide the "why."

This is a film about reclaiming one's body when it rebels against you and when other people seek ownership of it. Without the Ellen Burstyn "lift your head" speech or the Vanessa Kirby show-stopper in the courtroom, I'm not sure any of that comes across.

I do think the film lets us off the hook a bit with the LaBoeuf character, in the sense that it gives us reasons to dislike him when it would be more compelling if he had done nothing wrong. Does his half-remembering of the White Stripes count as a speech?

32. Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (George C. Wolfe)- This is such a play, not only in the locked-down location but also through nearly every storytelling convention: "Where are the two most interesting characters? Oh, running late? They'll enter separately in animated fashion?" But, to use the type of phrase that the characters might, "Don't hate the player; hate the game."

Perhaps the most theatrical note in this treatise on the commodification of expression is the way that, two or three times, the proceedings stop in their tracks for the piece to declare loudly what it's about. In one of those clear-outs, Boseman, who looks distractingly sick, delivers an unforgettable monologue that transports the audience into his character's fragile, haunted mind. He and Viola Davis are so good that the film sort of buckles under their weight, unsure of how to transition out of those spotlight moments and pretend that the story can start back up. Whatever they're doing is more interesting than what's being achieved overall.

31. Another Round (Thomas Vinterberg)- It's definitely the film that Vinterberg wanted to make, but despite what I think is a quietly shattering performance from Mikkelsen, Another Round moves in a bit too much of a straight line to grab me fully. The joyous final minutes hint at where it could have gone, as do pockets of Vinterberg's filmography, which seems newly tethered to realism in a way that I don't like. The best sequences are the wildest ones, like the uproarious trip to the grocery store for fresh cod, so I don't know why so much of it takes place in tiny hallways at magic hour. I give the inevitable American remake* permission to use these notes.

*- Just spitballing here. Martin: Will Ferrell, Nikolaj (Nick): Ben Stiller, Tommy: Owen Wilson, Peter: Craig Robinson

30. The Invisible Man (Leigh Whannell)- Exactly what I wanted. Exactly what I needed.

I think a less conclusive finale would have been better, but what a model of high-concept escalation. This is the movie people convinced me Whannell's Upgrade was.

29. On the Rocks (Sofia Coppola)- Slight until the Mexican sojourn, which expands the scope and makes the film even more psychosexual than before. At times it feels as if Coppola is actively simplifying, rather than diving into the race and privilege questions that the Murray character all but demands.

As for Murray, is the film 50% worse without him? 70%? I don't know if you can run in supporting categories if you're the whole reason the film exists.

28. Mangrove (Steve McQueen)- The first part of the film seemed repetitive and broad to me. But once it settled in as a courtroom drama, the characterization became more shaded, and the filmmaking itself seemed more fluid. I ended up being quite outraged and inspired.

27. Shirley (Josephine Decker)- Josephine Decker emerges as a real stylist here, changing her foggy, impressionistic approach not one bit with a little more budget. Period piece and established actors be damned--this is still as much of a reeling fever dream as Madeline's Madeline. Both pieces are a bit too repetitive and nasty for my taste, but I respect the technique.

Here's my mandatory "Elisabeth Moss is the best" paragraph. While watching her performance as Shirley Jackson, I thought about her most famous role as Peggy on Mad Men, whose inertia and need to prove herself tied her into confidence knots. Shirley is almost the opposite: paralyzed by her worldview, certain of her talent, rejecting any empathy. If Moss can inhabit both characters so convincingly, she can do anything.

26. An American Pickle (Brandon Trost)- An American Pickle is the rare comedy that could actually use five or ten extra minutes, but it's a surprisingly heartfelt and wholesome stretch for Rogen, who is earnest in the lead roles.

25. The King of Staten Island (Judd Apatow)- At two hours and fifteen minutes, The King of Staten Island is probably the first Judd Apatow film that feels like the exact right length. For example, the baggy date scene between a gracious Bill Burr and a faux-dowdy Marisa Tomei is essential, the sort of widening of perspective that something like Trainwreck was missing.

It's Pete Davidson's movie, however, and though he has never been my cup of tea, I think he's actually quite powerful in his quiet moments. The movie probes some rare territory--a mentally ill man's suspicion that he is unlovable, a family's strategic myth-making out of respect for the dead. And when Davidson shows up at the firehouse an hour and fifteen minutes in, it feels as if we've built to a last resort.

24. Swallow (Carlo Mirabella-Davis)- The tricky part of this film is communicating Hunter's despair, letting her isolation mount, but still keeping her opaque. It takes a lot of visual discipline to do that, and Claudio Mirabella-Davis is up to the task. This ends up being a much more sympathetic, expressive movie than the plot description might suggest.

(In the tie dispute, Hunter and Richie are both wrong. That type of silk--I couldn't tell how pebbled it was, but it's probably a barathea weave-- shouldn't be ironed directly, but it doesn't have to be steamed. On a low setting, you could iron the back of the tie and be fine.)

23. The Vast of Night (Andrew Patterson)- I wanted a bit more "there" there; The film goes exactly where I thought it would, and there isn't enough humor for my taste. (The predictability might be a feature, not a bug, since the film is positioned as an episode of a well-worn Twilight Zone-esque show.)

But from a directorial standpoint, this is quite a promising debut. Patterson knows when to lock down or use silence--he even cuts to black to force us to listen more closely to a monologue. But he also knows when to fill the silence. There's a minute or so when Everett is spooling tape, and he and Fay make small talk about their hopes for the future, developing the characters' personalities in what could have been just mechanics. It's also a refreshingly earnest film. No one is winking at the '50s setting.

I'm tempted to write, "If Andrew Patterson can make this with $1 million, just imagine what he can do with $30 million." But maybe people like Shane Carruth have taught us that Patterson is better off pinching pennies in Texas and following his own muse.

22. Martin Eden (Pietro Marcello)- At first this film, adapted from a picaresque novel by Jack London, seemed as if it was hitting the marks of the genre. "He's going from job to job and meeting dudes who are shaping his worldview now." But the film, shot in lustrous Super 16, won me over as it owned the trappings of this type of story, forming a character who is a product of his environment even as he transcends it. By the end, I really felt the weight of time.

You want to talk about something that works better in novels than films though? When a passionate, independent protagonist insists that a woman is the love of his life, despite the fact that she's whatever Italians call a wet blanket. She's rich, but Martin doesn't care about her money. He hates her family and friends, and she refuses to accept him or his life pursuits. She's pretty but not even as pretty as the waitress they discuss. Tell me what I'm missing here. There's archetype, and there's incoherence.

21. Bacurau (Kleber Mendonca Filho and Juliano Dornelles)- Certain images from this adventurous film will stick with me, but I got worn out after the hard reset halfway through. As entranced as I was by the mystery of the first half, I think this blood-soaked ensemble is better at asking questions than it is at answering them.

20. Let Them All Talk (Steven Soderbergh)- The initial appeal of this movie might be "Look at these wonderful actresses in their seventies getting a movie all to themselves." And the film is an interesting portrait of ladies taking stock of relationships that have spanned decades. But Soderbergh and Eisenberg handle the twentysomething Lucas Hedges character with the same openness and empathy. His early reasoning for going on the trip is that he wants to learn from older women, and Hedges nails the puppy-dog quality of a young man who would believe that. Especially in the scenes of aspirational romance, he's sweet and earnest as he brushes his hair out of his face.

Streep plays Alice Hughes, a serious author of literary fiction, and she crosses paths with Kelvin Kranz, a grinder of airport thrillers. In all of the right ways, Let Them All Talk toes the line between those two stances as an entertaining, jaunty experiment that also shoulders subtextual weight. If nothing else, it's easy to see why a cruise ship's counterfeit opulence, its straight lines at a lean, would be visually engaging to Soderbergh. You can't have a return to form if your form is constantly evolving.

19. Dick Johnson Is Dead (Kirsten Johnson)- Understandably, I don't find the subject as interesting as his own daughter does, and large swaths of this film are unsure of what they're trying to say. But that's sort of the point, and the active wrestling that the film engages in with death ultimately pays off in a transcendent moment. The jaw-dropping ending is something that only non-fiction film can achieve, and Johnson's whole career is about the search for that sort of serendipity.

18. Da 5 Bloods (Spike Lee)- Delroy Lindo is a live-wire, but his character is the only one of the principals who is examined with the psychological depth I was hoping for. The first half, with all of its present-tense flourishes, promises more than the gunfights of the second half can deliver. When the film is cooking though, it's chock full of surprises, provocations, and pride.

17. Never Rarely Sometimes Always (Eliza Hittmann)- Very quickly, Eliza Hittmann has established herself as an astute, empathetic director with an eye for discovering new talent. I hope that she gets to make fifty more movies in which she objectively follows laconic young people. But I wanted to like this one more than I did. The approach is so neutral that it's almost flat to me, lacking the arc and catharsis of her previous film, Beach Rats. I still appreciate her restraint though.

GREAT MOVIES

16. Young Ahmed (Jean-Pierre Dardenne and Luc Dardenne)- I don't think the Dardennes have made a bad movie yet, and I'm glad they turned away from the slight genre dipping of The Unknown Girl, the closest to bad that they got. Young Ahmed is a lean, daring return to form.

Instead of following an average person, as they normally do, the Dardenne Brothers follow an extremist, and the objectivity that usually generates pathos now serves to present ambiguity. Ahmed says that he is changing, that he regrets his actions, but we never know how much of his stance is a put-on. I found myself wanting him to reform, more involved than I usually am in these slices of life. Part of it is that Idir Ben Addi looks like such a normal, young kid, and the Ahmed character has most of the qualities that we say we want in young people: principles, commitment, self-worth, reflection. So it's that much more destructive when those qualities are used against him and against his fellow man.

15. World of Tomorrow Episode Three: The Absent Destinations of David Prime (Don Hertzfeldt)- My dad, a man whom I love but will never understand, has dismissed modern music before by claiming that there are only so many combinations of chords. To him, it's almost impossible to do something new. Of course, this is the type of thing that an uncreative person would say--a person not only incapable of hearing the chords that combine notes but also unwilling to hear the space between the notes. (And obviously, that's the take of a person who doesn't understand that, originality be damned, some people just have to create.)

  Anyway, that attitude creeps into my own thinking more than I would like, but then I watch something as wholly original as World of Tomorrow Episode Three. The series has always been a way to pile sci-fi ideas on top of each other to prove the essential truths of being and loving. And this one, even though it achieves less of a sense of yearning than its predecessor, offers even more devices to chew on. Take, for example, the idea that Emily sends her message from the future, so David's primitive technology can barely handle it. In order to move forward with its sophistication, he has to delete any extraneous skills for the sake of computer memory. So out of trust for this person who loves him, he has to weigh whether his own breathing or walking can be uninstalled as a sacrifice for her. I thought that we might have been done describing love, but there it is, a new metaphor. Mixing futurism with stick figures to get at the most pure drive possible gave us something new. It's called art, Dad.

14. On the Record (Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering)- We don't call subjects of documentaries "stars" for obvious reasons, but Drew Dixon kind of is one. Her honesty and wisdom tell a complete story of the #MeToo movement. Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering take their time developing her background at first, not because we need to "gain sympathy" or "establish credibility" for a victim of sexual abuse, but because showing her talent and enthusiasm for hip-hop A&R makes it that much more tragic when her passion is extinguished. Hell, I just like the woman, so spending a half-hour on her rise was pleasurable in and of itself.

  This is a gut-wrenching, fearless entry in what is becoming Dick and Ziering's raison d'etre, but its greatest quality is Dixon's composed reflection. She helped to establish a pattern of Russell Simmons's behavior, but she explains what happened to her in ways I had never heard before.

13. David Byrne’s American Utopia (Spike Lee)- I'm often impressed by the achievements that puzzle me: How did they pull that off? But I know exactly how David Byrne pulled off the impish but direct precision of American Utopia: a lot of hard work.

I can't blame Spike Lee for stealing a page from Demme's Stop Making Sense: He denies us a close-up of any audience members until two-thirds of the way through, when we get someone in absolute rapture.

12. One Night in Miami... (Regina King)- We've all cringed when a person of color is put into the position of speaking on behalf of his or her entire race. But the characters in One Night in Miami... live in that condition all the time and are constantly negotiating it. As Black public figures in 1964, they know that the consequences of their actions are different, bigger, than everyone else's. The charged conversations between Malcolm X and Sam Cooke are not about whether they can live normal lives. They're way past that. The stakes are closer to Sam Cooke arguing that his life's purpose aligns with the protection and elevation of African-Americans while Malcolm X argues that those pursuits should be the same thing. Late in the movie, Cassius Clay leaves the other men, a private conversation, to talk to reporters, a public conversation. But the film argues that everything these men do is always already public. They're the most powerful African-Americans in the country, but their lives are not their own. Or not only their own.

It's true that the first act has the clunkiness and artifice of a TV movie, but once the film settles into the motel room location and lets the characters feed off one another, it's gripping. It's kind of unfair for a movie to get this many scenes of Leslie Odom Jr. singing, but I'll take it.

11. Saint Frances (Alex Thompson)- Rilke wrote, "Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us." The characters' behavior in Saint Frances--all of these fully formed characters' behavior--made me think of that quotation. When they lash out at one another, even at their nastiest, the viewer has a window into how they're expressing pain they can't verbalize. The film is uneven in its subtlety, but it's a real showcase for screenwriter and star Kelly O'Sullivan, who is unflinching and dynamic in one of the best performances of the year. Somebody give her some of the attention we gave to Zach Braff for God's sake.

10. Boys State (Jesse Moss and Amanda McBaine)- This documentary is kind of a miracle from a logistical standpoint. From casting interviews beforehand, lots of editing afterwards, or sly note-taking once the conference began, McBaine and Moss happened to select the four principals who mattered the most at the convention, then found them in rooms full of dudes wearing the same tucked-in t-shirt. By the way, all of the action took place over the course of one week, and by definition, the important events are carved in half.

To call Boys State a microcosm of American politics is incorrect. These guys are forming platforms and voting in elections. What they're doing is American politics, so when they make the same compromises and mistakes that active politicians do, it produces dread and disappointment. So many of the boys are mimicking the political theater that they see on TV, and that sweaty sort of performance is going to make a Billy Mitchell out of this kid Ben Feinstein, and we'll be forced to reckon with how much we allow him to evolve as a person. This film is so precise, but what it proves is undeniably messy. Luckily, some of these seventeen-year-olds usher in hope for us all.

If nothing else, the film reveals the level to which we're all speaking in code.

9. The Nest (Sean Durkin)- In the first ten minutes or so of The Nest, the only real happy minutes, father and son are playing soccer in their quaint backyard, and the father cheats to score on a children's net before sliding on the grass to rub in his victory. An hour later, the son kicks the ball around by himself near a regulation goal on the family's massive property. The contrast is stark and obvious, as is the symbolism of the dead horse, but that doesn't mean it's not visually powerful or resonant.

Like Sean Durkin's earlier film, Martha Marcy May Marlene, the whole of The Nest is told with detail of novelistic scope and an elevation of the moment. A snippet of radio that mentions Ronald Reagan sets the time period, rather than a dateline. One kid saying "Thanks, Dad" and another kid saying, "Thanks, Rory" establishes a stepchild more elegantly than any other exposition might.

But this is also a movie that does not hide what it means. Characters usually say exactly what is on their minds, and motivations are always clear. For example, Allison smokes like a chimney, so her daughter's way of acting out is leaving butts on the window sill for her mother to find. (And mother and daughter both definitely "act out" their feelings.) On the other hand, Ben, Rory's biological son, is the character least like him, so these relationships aren't too directly parallel. Regardless, Durkin uses these trajectories to cast a pall of familial doom.

8. Sorry We Missed You (Sean Durkin)- Another precisely calibrated empathy machine from Ken Loach. The overwhelmed matriarch, Abby, is a caretaker, and she has to break up a Saturday dinner to rescue one of her clients, who wet herself because no one came to help her to the bathroom. The lady is embarrassed, and Abby calms her down by saying, "You mean more to me than you know." We know enough about Abby's circumstances to realize that it's sort of a lie, but it's a beautiful lie, told by a person who cares deeply but is not cared for.

Loach's central point is that the health of a family, something we think of as immutable and timeless, is directly dependent upon the modern industry that we use to destroy ourselves. He doesn't have to be "proven" relevant, and he didn't plan for Covid-19 to point to the fragility of the gig economy, but when you're right, you're right.

7. Lovers Rock (Steve McQueen)- swear to you I thought: "This is an impeccable depiction of a great house party. The only thing it's missing is the volatile dude who scares away all the girls." And then the volatile dude who scares away all the girls shows up.

In a year short on magic, there are two or three transcendent moments, but none of them can equal the whole crowd singing along to "Silly Games" way after the song has ended. Nothing else crystallizes the film's note of celebration: of music, of community, of safe spaces, of Black skin. I remember moments like that at house parties, and like all celebrations, they eventually make me sad.

6. Crip Camp: A Disability Revolution (Nicole Newnham and James Lebrecht)- I held off on this movie because I thought that I knew what it was. The setup was what I expected: A summer camp for the disabled in the late '60s takes on the spirit of the time and becomes a haven for people who have not felt agency, self-worth, or community anywhere else. But that's the right-place-right-time start of a story that takes these figures into the '80s as they fight for their rights.

If you're anything like my dumb ass, you know about 504 accommodations from the line on a college syllabus that promises equal treatment. If 2020 has taught us anything though, it's that rights are seized, not given, and this is the inspiring story of people who unified to demand what they deserved. Judy Heumann is a civil rights giant, but I'm ashamed to say I didn't know who she was before this film. If it were just a history lesson that wasn't taught in school, Crip Camp would still be valuable, but it's way more than that.

5. Palm Springs (Max Barbakow)- When explaining what is happening to them, Andy Samberg's Nyles twirls his hand at Cristin Milioti's Sara and says, "It's one of those infinite time-loop scenarios." Yeah, one of those. Armed with only a handful of fictional examples, she and the audience know exactly what he means, and the continually inventive screenplay by Andy Siara doesn't have to do any more explaining. In record time, the film accelerates into its premise, involves her, and sets up the conflict while avoiding the claustrophobia of even Groundhog Day. That economy is the strength that allows it to be as funny as it is. By being thrifty with the setup, the savings can go to, say, the couple crashing a plane into a fiery heap with no consequences.

In some accidental ways, this is, of course, a quarantine romance as well. Nyles and Sara frustratingly navigate the tedious wedding as if they are play-acting--which they sort of are--then they push through that sameness to grow for each other, realizing that dependency is not weakness. The best relationships are doing the same thing right now.

  Although pointedly superficial--part of the point of why the couple is such a match--and secular--I think the notion of an afterlife would come up at least once--Palm Springs earns the sincerity that it gets around to. And for a movie ironic enough to have a character beg to be impaled so that he doesn't have to sit in traffic, that's no small feat.

  4. The Assistant (Kitty Green)- A wonder of Bressonian objectivity and rich observation, The Assistant is the rare film that deals exclusively with emotional depth while not once explaining any emotions. One at a time, the scrape of the Kleenex box might not be so grating, the long hallway trek to the delivery guy might not be so tiring, but this movie gets at the details of how a job can destroy you in ways that add up until you can't even explain them.

3. Promising Young Woman (Emerald Fennell)- In her most incendiary and modern role, Carey Mulligan plays Cassie, which is short for Cassandra, that figure doomed to tell truths that no one else believes. The web-belted boogeyman who ruined her life is Al, short for Alexander, another Greek who is known for his conquests. The revenge story being told here--funny in its darkest moments, dark in its funniest moments--is tight on its surface levels, but it feels as if it's telling a story more archetypal and expansive than that too.

  An exciting feature debut for its writer-director Emerald Fennell, the film goes wherever it dares. Its hero has a clear purpose, and it's not surprising that the script is willing to extinguish her anger halfway through. What is surprising is the way it renews and muddies her purpose as she comes into contact with half-a-dozen brilliant one- or two-scene performances. (Do you think Alfred Molina can pull off a lawyer who hates himself so much that he can't sleep? You would be right.)

Promising Young Woman delivers as an interrogation of double standards and rape culture, but in quiet ways it's also about our outsized trust in professionals and the notion that some trauma cannot be overcome.

INSTANT CLASSICS

2. Soul (Pete Docter)- When Pete Docter's Up came out, it represented a sort of coronation for Pixar: This was the one that adults could like unabashedly. The one with wordless sequences and dead children and Ed Asner in the lead. But watching it again this week with my daughter, I was surprised by how high-concept and cloying it could be. We choose not to remember the middle part with the goofy dog stuff.

Soul is what Up was supposed to be: honest, mature, stirring. And I don't mean to imply that a family film shouldn't make any concessions to children. But Soul, down to the title, never compromises its own ambition. Besides Coco, it's probably the most credible character study that Pixar has ever made, with all of Joe's growth earned the hard way. Besides Inside Out, it's probably the wittiest comedy that Pixar has ever made, bursting with unforced energy.

There's a twitter fascination going around about Dez, the pigeon-figured barber character whose scene has people gushing, "Crush my windpipe, king" or whatever. Maybe that's what twitter does now, but no one fantasized about any characters in Up. And I count that as progress.

1. I’m Thinking of Ending Things (Charlie Kaufman)- After hearing that our name-shifting protagonist moonlights as an artist, a no-nonsense David Thewlis offers, "I hope you're not an abstract artist." He prefers "paintings that look like photographs" over non-representational mumbo-jumbo. And as Jessie Buckley squirms to try to think of a polite way to talk back, you can tell that Charlie Kaufman has been in the crosshairs of this same conversation. This morose, scary, inscrutable, expressionist rumination is not what the Netflix description says it is at all, and it's going to bother nice people looking for a fun night in. Thank God.

The story goes that Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, when constructing Raiders of the Lost Ark, sought to craft a movie that was "only the good parts" with little of the clunky setup that distracted from action. What we have here is a Charlie Kaufman movie with only the Charlie Kaufman moments, less interested than ever before at holding one's hand. The biting humor is here, sometimes aimed at philistines like the David Thewlis character above, sometimes at the niceties that we insist upon. The lonely horror of everyday life is here, in the form of missed calls from oneself or the interruption of an inner monologue. Of course, communicating the overwhelming crush of time, both unknowable and familiar, is the raison d'etre.

A new pet motif seems to be the way that we don't even own our own knowledge. The Young Woman recites "Bonedog" by Eva H.D., which she claims/thinks she wrote, only to find Jake's book open to that page, next to a Pauline Kael book that contains a Woman Under the Influence review that she seems to have internalized later. When Jake muses about Wordsworth's "Lucy Poems," it starts as a way to pass the time, then it becomes a way to lord his education over her, then it becomes a compliment because the subject resembles her, then it becomes a way to let her know that, in the grand scheme of things, she isn't that special at all. This film jerks the viewer through a similar wintry cycle and leaves him with his own thoughts. It's not a pretty picture, but it doesn't look like anything else.

[fantroll-purgatory]

@theshieldswordandcrown

I’d like it if you guys could look over my tea man for me! (Art by my friend lythaeriahomestucks. I haven’t made him a sprite yet.

Oofadoofa it’s been a while. Hi I hope your roleplay group is fun!

World: Alternia, but the draft is a lot further off than in canon, because none of my group is interested in roleplaying interstellar space battles or politics, especially considering the amount of setup that would have to go into making deep space believable. Though I think Friendsim’s stated they’re dragged off planet at 9 sweeps, so he’d still have a little time before getting dragged underground anyway.

Name: Oolong Matcha. Yes, they’re both types of tea. It started off as a quick joke, but I’ve grown to love it. Not only is matcha green, like his blood, but he’s a gardener, and really enjoys tea.

Mmmmm I mean joke trolls are famously canon in Homestuck. See: SWIFER EGGMOP or the salt and pepper shaker troll BUTTT mmmm. I feel like naming a character based at least partially on Japanese monks Oolong would deserve some side-eye. But I like the matcha bit! So let’s see…I like him being a gardener since monastic gardens were very much A Thing, and one of the famous still-extant ones is at Rievaulx abbey, so maybe we give him RIVULX, which sounds sufficiently trollish and is obvious enough for someone to get the reference.

Age: 9.69 Sweeps, or 21 Earth years.

Theme/Story: He’s partially themed after monks, specifically Irish and Japanese, which was originally an excuse for his bald head, but ended up influencing his clothing, calm demeanor, and lusus. I was also, oddly, thinking of 4chan – not maniacs like /pol/, but just average people who don’t get out enough, like to chatter about anime or cooking, and generally act like a bit of a dipshit. Fatherhood is definitely a theme with him as well – he’s already a father figure to two other trolls.

Hmmm. I like the broad concept, but I think we can tighten up a little on the “monk” theme by expanding it. Review Goals: General overview, classpecting advice, filling in missing details like fetch modus or lunar sway, etc.

Strife Specibus: He greatly prefers to snipe threats before they reach him, but if he’s forced into melee, he’ll grab a pipe and go berserker nuts. He takes satisfaction in neutralizing threats, especially if he’s protecting someone or something. He’s not averse to talking things out, but dislikes putting others on the line.

Hmm. None of that is a strife specibus, though I suppose you’re going for riflekind and pipekind. Generally void players use fistkind since it’s the absence of a weapon, but if you want to give him another option besides hand-to-hand melee may I suggest poisonkind? He could use something from his garden, like monkshood :3c. Or if you want to give him a melee weapon he could use the sansetsukon per the 36th Chamber of Shaolin, which would double as a symbol reminder since he could arrange the segments in a backwards s. Fetch Modus: ;;3;; I have absolutely no idea.

What about a clue modus where the items are obscured but contain details describing them? With the caveat that some of them will have similar color/taste/textures listed. I think this might be fun because there are actually *two* famous detectives with the last name Monk, Adrian Monk and William Monk.

Blood Color: Jade.

That works great, especially with Friendsim’s reveal that many jades are indeed monastic/cloistered.

Lunar Sway: Not sure.

Given that he’s a monk and you have painted him as someone unlikely to cause conflict or rebel against the system, I think he’d be a Prospit dreamer.

Title: Knight of Void, someone who exploits what little secrecy and irrelevance he has for all it’s worth. He was first conceived as a Bard, to fit into a fansession, but I eventually decided it didn’t fit what the character had developed to be. 

Symbol and Meaning: I made it up, and it doesn’t have a name. It’s an infinity symbol, broken in the center - like this, but flipped 90 degrees clockwise. I guess it could tie into his aspect by…destroying infinity, I guess, but I really haven’t put that much thought into it.

If we’re going by the EZ, he would be Virittanius, the Deliberate. Which I think fits him quite well! It also looks like a further corruption of the sign you gave him, so I may toy with that a little in the redesign. Handle: I feel like I might have given him a serious handle at one point, but if I did, I forgot it, so for now, it’s oolongMatcha. Just his name. Considering his classpect and desire for secrecy, this makes about as much sense as a rain barrel made out of crackers, but I’m not sure what to give him.

Since his new initials are RM, maybe revenantMyiopsitta. Revenant, of course, to hint at the fact that he’s part of the blood caste most commonly associated with rebirth after death, and Myiopsitta being the genus for two types of parakeet: the cliff parakeet and the monk parakeet. So we have his true identity as well as the unusual nature of his hive, both concealed in plain sight. Quirk: he types in all lower case and likes putting his horns in his emoticons! ’:)  Maybe doing it like (:; would make more sense, as it’s his right (our left) horn that’s busted.

I like it! Depending on his redesign you may also want him to uƨe backwardƨ ƨ’ƨ to mimic hiƨ ƨymbol.

Special Abilities: Supreme Dadliness. Jokes aside, he’s a crack shot, even with his impeded vision, and has been successfully flying under the radar his whole life.

If you still want him to be a crack shot even with the changes I suggested above, maybe he uses blowdarts to poison his enemies from afar?

Lusus: His father is a MASSIVE white snake; I was thinking some kind of constrictor. Personality-wise, he’s close to a prototypical 50s dad. He’s a safe haven for his son and those his baby cares about, and is exceedingly patient, to the point of letting a small child fingerpaint on him. He’s also willing to carry Oolong in emergencies, though I’m not really certain that would work in real life, movement-wise.

I feel like the snake can be a little overplayed as a lusus. If we want to give him something similar to a mother grub as a jadeblood, why not a massive butterfly based on the monk/dusky friar? It also gives you the mechanics for how his dadderfly would carry him around in emergencies.

Interests: He used to spend a lot of time alone on the internet - I originally conceptualized him as a very lonely NEET, to the point he had to find his wallet to remember his own name - but has become more adventurous and friendly, spending more time with his girlfriend and friends (and he has friends now!) He’s very proud of his garden and fruit trees, some of which are rare, difficult to grow properly, and/or dangerous (offering more security).

Huh! You don’t explain *how* he goes from isolated to friendly, but I’d hope that gardening is a way for him to reach out to others since it’s a hobby you can commit to on your own but bond with other hobbyists.

Hive: He lives out in the woods by himself, though not so far from other trolls that he can’t take the day to go shopping or see his mate. His hive is surrounded by his garden on all sides, and has a very visible path down the center (making it easy for him to see anyone approaching, and shoot if they’re a threat). Trees surround it, and dangerous plants are strategically placed to make going through his garden unpleasant at best (it also makes weeding a pain, but he thinks it’s worth it). His hive is especially unusual in that the porch is raised up to the second floor with large poles, and you have to use a ladder to get up to it (unless you’re snakedad, in which case you go up the poles). He has a remote so he can let it down from the ground, as well as access to it on the platform, so he can let people up himself. I don’t think the ground level has a door. I’d be happy to submit pictures, if you want.

Feel free to show us pictures, but I like the concept a lot!

Appearance: Tall and rail-thin, excepting his oddly curvy hips. (I figured due to jades being majority female, developing jade males might be exposed to more than the usual amount of estrogen and androgens. Also I’m way more used to drawing women than men and his initial outline was a gal for like ten minutes.) He shaves his head bald. (This is because A) I didn’t want to bother trying to figure out men’s hair - I almost never draw dudes - and B) he’s partially themed after monks, who often shave their heads. I don’t remember why he says he does it.)

…man, I’m gonna take issue with the way you phrased this description. There’s a lot of gender essentialism going on in your explanation there, and given that a number of us mods are trans and nonbinary I feel obligated to point out a few things:

1) Trolls are bugs. They’re not even mammals. They aren’t exposed to androgen or estrogen or any hormone to give them a certain body shape. It is quite heavily implied that when the mother grub gives birth it is to a bunch of larvae.

2) I know that Homestuck lore has given us largely jade girls and one jade trans guy but that’s no reason to assume that jade men are broadly more “feminine” by default in *any* dimension

3) Even if trolls *did* work like humans, it rubs me the wrong way to see someone talking about a man’s “oddly” curvy hips like I’ve got guy friends both trans and cis with wide hips and the only reason to remark on it at all is because We Live In A Society that forcibly genders people in relation to physical characteristics.

…So I am otherwise taking your description at face value. ______ Matcha is tall, rail thin, with curvy hips and a bald head. I will probably add some little fangs, per the Alternian fashion guide.

He wears leggings (unless it’s very hot) and long tunics or robes, usually tan, with his symbol emblazoned on the breast. He goes barefoot if he can. His right (our left) horn is broken, due to an accident in his youth (I think he fell onto something?), amusingly improving his vision, since his unbroken left horn points in front of his left eye, obscuring it somewhat.  His face could almost be described as delicate, and his default expression is calm.

I don’t knooooow that tan is a color trolls wear all that often in Alternia, so I will see how I can rework that in the redesign. I get him being barefoot, but I may give it a shot spriting him monk shoes for if he wants to go on an outing. :3c For his broken horn…hm. When we see trolls with physical damage, it is almost always something more significant than just “childhood accident” (see: every troll in Homestuck except Equius who somehow had like 3 simultaneous accidents?). I have an idea for his horns that I will get to in the redesign, and I will probably add a hook to his front horn, both because it’s a jadeblood trait and because it seems suitably horrifying to constantly have a sharp implement millimeters from your eye.

Personality: Oolong is a nice, fatherly young man, well regarded by most he meets. He really really likes tea. He has a beautiful, dangerous mafiosa matesprite in a rustblood named Andora Ingenu, and they adore each other. He’s also taken on the substitute dad role for an adorable young fuschia who lives in the swamp near his forest, Lillie Waters, teaching her how to cook (and keep her tools clean) and rescuing her from other fuschias. He’s very protective of his and his loved ones’ privacy and safety, and spends a LOT of his time in the massive gardens around his hive, of which he’s deservedly proud. He is very good at being sneaky, and sometimes takes the time to run around seeing what he can get away with, especially in the realm of snatching seeds up for his garden. He sells whatever plants he can grow for money, especially fruits and vegetables, but he doesn’t really enjoy sales. He doesn’t put a lot of stock in blood superiority, but doesn’t make a big deal out of it. He’s oddly well adjusted for someone who spent most of his life alone.

I like this description! Also looking at his close compatriots, it looks like I can swap the tan in his design for rust or fuchsia. We already see jadebloods wearing a fair amount in the red/burgundy/purple spectrum, so it should fit right in with the others.

Land: I don’t remember if I’ve come up with one. If I did, I feel like it may have heavily wooded areas, dark and tangled and difficult to navigate.

Hmmm. What about Land of Rough and Reflection (LORAR)? Covered in rough terrain, with pools to contemplate oneself. Unbeknownst to your troll, there are switches at the bottom of each lake (deeper than he could ever hope to dive and hold his breath) that must be flipped to drain the lakes and free the consorts from the underwater caves in which they’ve been trapped for generations. His land would initially seem completely empty and without guidance, and it neatly parallels his own situation before he began to socialize.

I hope you like him! :) I’d love to see what you guys think of him.

He’s certainly an interesting troll, and I hope I’ve helped by way of sharpening up on his theme! Let’s move on to the redesign.

Top to bottom as usual!

Hair - I gave him some stubble courtesy of fan-troll (I have never managed a post without plugging fan-troll/tajazzled’s sprite sheet and I’m not gonna stop now)

Horns - I wanted to make his other horn sort of…curve away from his head so it looks like his symbol from above?

Eyes and brows - they didn’t change but big ups to fan-troll for giving me bases to modify!

Mouth - this is a modification of Sollux’s mouth but I gave him lil fangs and a little lower lip definition

Robes - I just modified some of Kanaya’s robes, appropriately enough! I decided to go for a red/pink shade that was between rust and fuchsia so he could fit in while subtly broadcasting his allegiance

Shoes - they’re John’s but with buckles! :B monk shoes

Aaaand that’s about it for my critique! I hope this helped!

-TR

[zeledonia]

How has your social environment and family reacted to you coming out as non-binary? Also, what is it like to be non-binary in general? Transgenders usually experience a strong sense of gender dysphoria and have to transition with the aid of hormones to finally feel comfortable. But since you do not assign yourself to any gender at all, how is it for you? Do you experience gender dysphoria too? And how are non-binary people treated to feel better in their body? Also via hormone therapy?

Two things before I start: the belief that you have to experience dysphoria to be trans is not one I share. I will have to point this out here, because it’s quite the discourse in the community, and I’d rather make my stance clear.Second, you might wanna avoid the term ‘transgenders’. We’re transgender people. Or trans people, for short. Might sound like a nitpick to you, but I promise it’ll make talking to and about trans people easier for you. ^^My home situation is a bit ??? in that regard tbh. I’m not actually closeted at all, but at the same time I’m not really out to my parents either because they’re just painfully oblivious?I’ll have to admit I never actually took them aside and told them that I’m not cis, mainly because I already know for a fact that my father is the type of person who thinks we’re all just special snowflakes. He has expressed as much, and I don’t really have the patience to come out to someone who’s just gonna insist I’m having a phase lolBut honestly? I’ve been making comments and jokes about not being my assigned gender since before i even knew the term ‘non-binary’ and I’ve found the most comfort in an androgynous presentation since I was a little kid. I have a trans flag hanging on my bedroom wall. I don’t have anything to hide, so if they ever do wanna breach the topic with me, I won’t be lying to them.I just don’t think the effort of making the first step would be worth it. I... don’t really feel close enough to my parents to care, yknow? It’s not a topic I want to get further into, but I don’t tend to show them much of who I am. As for friends, classmates etc., that actually worked out super well. Like I said, I always had a habit of saying I’m not my assigned gender since I was little, so when i found out there’s a term for what i feel, none of my friends were surprised. Most of the reactions pretty much just ranged from “never heard of that before, but sounds like you” to “that explains things”. One of my classmates was pretty excited because she has a friend who is NB as well. There’s a trans man in my class, too, and not being the only one to have to ask to be called by a different name etc made both of us feel a little more comfortable on our first day.Now, as for how it feels, I am not really the best at explaining. If I asked you how it feels to be your gender, what would you say?All I can say is that from a very young age on, it always felt off to me to be called my assigned gender. I’ve never managed to see people of my assigned gender as an “that’s us” group, the concept of being that gender always felt like I was just... dressing up, in a way. I always felt out of place, uncomfortably so. I knew it was possible for people to be trans, but thinking about the other binary gender, it also never felt like that worked for me. I was just sort of. Lost in between.When i found out there’s a term for this it felt so good. Just to know that I wasn’t being ridiculous in my head, that there are people who feel the same, that I don’t have to pick between two options that didn’t feel like me.Growing into my body was also uncomfortable as fuck. I have to bind sometimes or else it messes me up.I did think about hormones, but then I just got stuck with the question of what happens if I end up looking too much like the other binary gender. I’d have gone through all that, just to feel as uncomfortable as before.I think for me the best option would eventually be top surgery, but I’m terrified of being operated on lol, so that’ll take some courage. I can pull off an androgynous look if I put effort into it, so I’m not sure I would really benefit from hormones all that much.The more difficult it is for people to tell what my assigned gender is, the more comfortable the situation feels to me.You also gotta know, German is also a bit of a tricky language. We don’t have gender neutral pronouns, there’s no equivalent to singular they in our language. I don’t really like xe/xem and the like for myself. So I gotta shrug that bit off anyway. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to how a non-binary person could feel more comfortable. Different people will have different things that make them comfortable or uncomfortable, and what I personally experience may not be true for someone else. Rather like how not all men and women are the same.Some of us will want hormones. Some want surgeries. Some are fine with their bodies. Some are okay with traditionally gendered pronouns, others are unhappy with them.Idk if ths answered anything for you but I’m kinda late for work because I ended up answering this at like 8am sorry

[abundantchewtoys]

HS Epi: Meat p12 reaction

Back to Earth C presumably.

I gotta say, I'm curious to find out the final page count of Meat. The way we liveblog, the experience is stretched out, so with theories surfacing and such, we might be caught off guard when things are really over. There's only so far that things will be taken, though I guess we're still in for those "original Male/Female characters", I guess. :P That shouldn't refer to the new Reload timeline John created, I think, with copies of all the people mentioned in the rest of the character list. So, uh, yeah, guess the reason Arquiusprite wasn't mentioned in there was because he remained unseen, voided out if you will. And I guess we shouldn't expect an alternate Equius to have a talking role, either?

---

==>

Well! Talk about jumping straight into the action, this page opens with a dialoguelog! Back to Dave, Karkat and if my eyes didn't deceive me, we'll get some lines for Jade, too! Supportive Jade will be supportive.

"hit jane right in her neoliberal austerity measures" ... Hah. Well, I didn't think that would get referenced again at all, but it seems after all these years since John's 18th birthday Dave still has issues with the ol' N.A.M. So, Jane's a neoliberal AND a fascist now, Dave? Is that... even feasible?

"DAVE: now shes gonna spin some shit about supply side economics but we cant let her control the narrative on that one cause the first thing thats gonna happen once she begins deregulating the baking industry is that some sweet dumb crocodile down in consort land is gonna start putting sparkle glue in the cupcake mix which isnt even the real issue thats just surface issues KARKAT: RIGHT. JADE: definitely" ... Like, Dave I admire you're getting so into this, but you realize they aren't following, right? Also, why would Jane want to deregulate the baking industry if she's the leader of the foremost power in said industry, as well as running for president? Plus, Jane can't control the narrative because Caliborn is already controlling it! :mspa:

"DAVE: i mean earth c has just been play acting capitalism the last five thousand years while we timeskipped ahead to live rad lives as gods without bothering with any of the boring shit that goes into making a civilization DAVE: which is fine i mean you cant really expect a bunch of teens who didnt finish middle school to set up a sustainable form of social democracy that isnt just blatantly ripped off whatever we incorrectly thought obama god rest his soul was doing back in the day" ... Gee, Dave's given this a real lot of thought. Props to him, but I hope that aside from becoming 'an activist' he's also got some legitimite action points to improve Earth C's situation.

Guess Sburb really does a number on players, huh? "Congrats, you won, you're all gods now, and also, here's this whole civilization on the brink of collapse, have fun with that. Don't mess this up, I need those people to start the apocalypse in say, 2000 years, k thx bye." (The fact that this civilization, being outside of the Green Sun's influence, may never implement Sburb, is a bit besides the point since I think the trolls would have had the same issue tossed onto them had they actually gone through the victory door.)

Right, but the trolls had their home planet already effectively run by children, I wonder if that will come again? Even though they had carpenter droids at their disposal to run some things for them, they might actually be a bit more self-reliant than the humans!

"DAVE: but janes got this old school mentality you just know she wants to restrict grist alchemy for the sake of “growth” and when that goes down itll take three seconds flat for some nobody in new dersetown to drop the earth c communist manifesto" ... New Dersetown, I like the ring of that. Would call it New Dersey for short, though. :P Again, valid points there, Dave! If any revolt started, it doesn't have to be in the troll community, it could just as much be an angry carapace uprising! They're only docile if there's no one to rally behind.

Blaperile has this idea that the new society in a universe is not supposed to be seeded with the remains of the session nor the universe that came before it. That's actually a valid point; the only reason this society got kickstarted was through the cloning apparatus that was on the meteor! The consorts and carapaces seem like they would be able to reproduce biologically though, so I'm not sure how Sburb normally ensures the planet is a clean slate for a new species to emerge. ... Okay, so the planet itself doesn't really need to be the place where a new Sburb-playing species rises, true. There's a whole new universe out there.

Maybe through "importing" old Sburb technology, the "alpha" planet designation went to Earth C automatically, though.

Or maybe First Guardians are expected to 'cleanse' the planet from outside influence normally, but since this society's outside of the Green Sun's influence, that ain't happening. And Jade won't be going Thanos on Earth C.

"KARKAT: OH YEAH. JADE: of course DAVE: are you two even listening or are you just making noises with your mouths" Dave realizing he's monologuing? What character development is this. :O

"KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M BEING ACCUSED BY DAVE STRIDER, REIGNING EMPEROR OF SPEWING ENDLESS VERBAL DIARRHEA DIRECTLY INTO MY INNOCENT HEAR DUCTS EVERY DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE, OF MAKING THOUGHTLESS MOUTH NOISES. KARKAT: JADE, ARE YOU HEARING THIS? JADE: im scandalized JADE: especially when JADE: there are much better things we could all be doing with our mouths....." ... Jade, your animes are showing again. ... I think that maybe Jade doesn't want this relation to be going where Dave and Karkat want it to go.

"It’s been a really nice day they’ve been having, and then Jade had to go say something like that. The air in the hive changes in a way that is palpable, in a way that she can’t seem to accurately gauge despite having both superhuman and superdog senses." ... Ah. So I guess maybe Jade just can't get a lid on some of her more... canine inclinations, at time. Welp!

"Elements of her outfit resemble her god tier jammies: peasant skirt, sparkly flats, and a bold choice in striped tights." Nice! That's only the third person who created an outfit based on her god tier outfit that we know, aside from Meenah and Rose.

"the couch where she crashed last night, and the night before that, and the better part of the seven years before that." It would seem Jade has the wanderlust then, she's more like the vagrant dog that comes visiting from time to time? More GCAT in demeanor than Becquerel, in practice. Heheh. Good for her, after being isolated on an island and then a battleship for so long, she's finally going out & seeing things!

"There are other personal effects of hers in the living room too: plants on the windowstill, her bass guitar sitting in a corner" Cool, so when she comes over, she typically lounges here then. Guess the flute never made it over, though. :p

"a horrific-looking periodic table that Dave made her for her seventeenth birthday pinned above the stairwell. He typed it in Comic Sans, and then deep-fried it to oblivion with JPEG artifacts." ... Next up, on For Fans By Fans...

"And Dave, with his preternaturally perfect timing, sweeps a hand over his tablet to bring up a new PowerPoint slide on the TV. He returns to his Comic Sans-written political presentation, gruesome artifacts and all" Dave, Dave that isn't professional at all!

", with the grace and proficiency of a man who has diffused an awkward situation in his own household many times per day, every day, for many years." Well, okay, that is really mature. But when Dave is the adult in a situation, the situation is very awkward per definition.

"DAVE: alternia: brutal eugenics based space dictatorship KARKAT: NOT UNTRUE." Succinct, brutal, but not dishonest.

"DAVE: troll homeworld: lord of the flies nightmare scenario where kids murder each other just to get the chance to get to grow up and murder other aliens instead KARKAT: IT WASN’T THAT BAD." Karkat. Karkat that isn't a valid rebuke.

"KARKAT: YOU MADE THAT LAST ONE UP. KARKAT: ALSO, IT WAS DISGUSTING?? KARKAT: GROW THE FUCK UP, YOU UTTERLY CONTEMPTIBLE, POTTY MOUTHED *CUNT*." ... The irony is stark.

"JADE: also you know trolls dont actually have two dicks dave thats an offensive stereotype" Are we really doing troll anatomy? Well, I guess it's good to know that the fan theory about Sollux at least isn't applicable to the entire species.

"DAVE: trolls: literally ate babies KARKAT: ONLY THE DEFECTIVE ONES. DAVE: like you my dude KARKAT: ...YEAH. DAVE: so thats why our campaign can work" Yeah, Karkat ate grubs, though they weren't troll babies. Also, yeah, Karkat was a mutant, but I wonder if that would really help his case here.

"DAVE: btw im gonna be giving a long form exam at the end of this to make sure youre retaining info because this is only like the most important thing weve ever done collectively" Well he ain't wrong.

"KARKAT: ARE YOU ASKING ME WHETHER I’VE HEARD THIS EXACT SPEECH ALMOST WORD FOR WORD, INCLUDING REHEARSED VERSIONS OF BOTH THE COLORFUL METAPHORS AND “JOKES,” TEN OR TWENTY TIMES ALREADY? KARKAT: BECAUSE THE ANSWER WOULD BE KARKAT: YES, OF COURSE I FUCKING HAVE." Poor, poor Karkat.

"Karkat elbows Dave in the thigh, a move that is obviously meant to be an action of pure, brotherly jest. But instead it comes off as affectionate and overly intimate. Jade’s clever eyes don’t miss this. Her pupils follow the motion of Karkat’s arm, and then they follow the movement of Dave’s mouth as he smiles in what he probably thinks is a totally neutral expression that reveals exactly 0% of his true feelings toward Karkat Vantas. In reality, his veneer is as thin and transparent as cellophane. He is the only person who can’t see through it.

Jade does some calculations in her head. Two kinds of calculations, in fact: mathematical ones and personal ones." So, is Jade reading too much into their relationship, or are the dudes just... Both too shy?

"JADE: soooooo JADE: do you want a projection of her first years hit on the economy down to the decimal with a 0.3% margin of error JADE: because thats a thing i can do if itll make you stop talking about this stupid election for ten minutes" I didn't know that were First Guardian powers! :p I suppose it might be her natural intellect though, but we've only known her as the hands-on science type until now.

"She proceeds to dazzle the two boys with explications on complex math utilizing taxation rates, GDP figures, and some damned thing called the “Laffer curve,”" Dang, Jade is as much committed to this as Dave! (Or maybe she learned all this because it means so much to him, that could be it too!)

"The thing about Jade Harley is that she’s not as good at personal things as she is at other things. Like science, or mastering fraymotifs, or kissing, the last of which she has definitely put a lot of levels into over the past few years because, well, what else are you supposed to do with immortal godhood once you hit the age where the dog hormones start kicking into overdrive?" Guess for dogs, kissing isn't that personal. :p And well, I guess Jade's only now learning the real consequences of turning into a real-life furry. At least she won't have had lack of candidates to practice kissing with. She might even have become the Witch of Spacing Out Young Adults.

"Her high-prescription lenses make her eyes look anime-huge. They might literally be glittering, she’s so completely serious about the issue she is trying to stress." And the fan artists rejoiced for all the new descriptions they have to work with!

" JADE: im about to lay out some cold hard evidence so pay attention! KARKAT: OH, HANG ON, LET ME GET A PEN." You can't live together with Dave for years without learning when it's time to start taking notes and grab a fucking pen.

"JADE: evidence about..... JADE: our relationship! KARKAT: FUCK" Pfff, okay, never mind. I think Jade might have hit a wall several times over before, trying to either define their relationship or take it to the next level. These dudes are really sensitive about their feelings, after all.

But it would be interesting, learning Jade wants to know where they stand just as much as the outside world does.

"JADE: you let me live in your hive when im in town KARKAT: I CAN’T BELIEVE... JADE: im preeeetty intimately entwined in both your lives KARKAT: THAT YOU’RE JUST TALKING ABOUT THIS? JADE: AND you dont disengage from about 86.234% of my flirtations KARKAT: WAIT, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU KEEP TRACK OF SOMETHING LIKE THAT? JADE: so....... are we doing this or not?" So, just like with taking on Lord English and acknowledging the lit fuse that is Earth C society, I guess the coming around of April 13th 2019 is when Jade had enough of all this silly business and wants to know what's what. (Also, I suppose the level of intimacy they shared on beforehand will be left to speculation.)

"KARKAT: DOING WHAT?! JADE: dating dummy!!!!!!!! KARKAT: OH. KARKAT: THAT IS KARKAT: THAT IS... A COMPLICATED TOPIC IN MY CULTURE THAT I’M NOT SURE HUMANS ARE EQUIPPED TO TALK ABOUT." Smooth, Karkat, real smooth. Maybe Karkat fears commitment will lead to some of their relationships shifting into other quadrants. And he wouldn't like to be moirails or auspistices with either of them.

"DAVE: also totally unrelated to the economy" ... Nice try Dave, but I think this can't be steered back into that track.

"DAVE: which not gonna lie is the only thing i want to talk about for uh DAVE: for however long it takes for this other conversation to stop happening JADE: so say no!!! DAVE: well KARKAT: UHHHHH JADE: im not just forcing this conversation for my sake! its for you two as well JADE: i mean after all this time have you two even kissed yet?????? DAVE: wha" I think Dave and Karkat might actually have been both content to stay uncommitted and fearful to put a label on it. Also Jade's question will presumably remain unanswered, it's already surprising it's confirmed she hasn't seen them kissing. And that is ignoring the matter of whether either Dave or Karkat kissed Jade before. I guess it's only fortunate for this situation that this instance of Jade never dated Davesprite, it would only complicate things further.

"DAVE: wha KARKAT: WH-WHY WOULD DAVE: uhh KARKAT: WHY WOULD WE KISS?? DAVE: thats KARKAT: THAT’S... YOU... I MEAN, HE’S... HE’S DAVE. DAVE: we KARKAT: AND I’M KARKAT." PFffffffff, hilarious! I can just see them blushing like tomatoes right now. Can't keep staying in denial bros!

"JADE: yes hes dave and youre karkat and everyone we know always calls you that JADE: “dave and karkat”" Hah! Yeah, but they also think you're part of the item, Jade. Care to shed some thoughts on the subject?

"JADE: i cant remember the last time i heard anyone mention one of you without the other JADE: the two of you have basically been together since your days on the meteor its SO obvious" Jade has turned this from a personal matter into a fandom matter. "Everyone and their dog knows you're dating, guys! Stop pretending otherwise!" It's interesting to note the different ways Dave has been seen handling relationships. When he dated Terezi in the GO timeline, it went south due her troubles in the black quadrant. When Davesprite dated Jade, it went south due to unresolved Dave issues, presumably having to do with his bros. With Karkat, Dave's been in a stable-ish thing for the longest time, though.

" KARKAT: VERY CLOSE FRIENDS WHO UNDERSTAND AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER ON A DEEP AND EMPATHETIC LEVEL THAT GOES BEYOND HATE OR PITY. YOU COULD EVEN SAY THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP... KARKAT: ...TRANSCENDS QUADRANTS." ... PFfffffff, so this could have been what it was like for the Sufferer and the Disciple, then! They were just never ready to commit? That would actually be funnier than it being this deep and fulfilling relationship. It would also make Doc Scratch' misgivings on the relationship even more hilarious.

"JADE: yeaaaaaah not gonna lie karkat but that sounds totally kinda gay KARKAT: UGH YOU HUMANS AND YOUR UNFATHOMABLE GENDER BASED QUADRANTS." ... Heh. Actually. Too trolls, the whole gender-based romance thing we have going must indeed be as unfathomable as leprechaun romance.

"Jade faceplams." Well that's a new verb. ;) What part of the body is the 'plam', exactly?

" KARKAT: ANYWAY WEREN’T YOU... DATING THAT CARAPACIAN COUPLE? LAST TIME WE CHECKED?" Lolwut. Jade. Jade are you... are you being a Ms. Casanova, a paramour or two in every city you frequent? If WV and PM turn out to be alive for the sole purpose of dating Jade, I'll choke on my drink.

" DAVE: wait you saying we arent fun JADE: whens the last time either of you left the house??????" I know Jade means it as in, she'd like to date them for keeps. But I also fulheartedly believe Dave and Karkat can sustain themselves on delivery pizza and chinese chow.

"In her other hand, she tries to grab Dave’s wrist, but he flash-steps to the other side of the couch." Well that's a new use of the power, guess Dave must really have felt alarmed. :p

"JADE: i wanna try dating for real KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED KARKAT: SORRY IF WHAT I’M ABOUT TO SAY TOTALLY BLOWS YOUR MIND KARKAT: DATING A SINGLE PERSON, FOR MORE THAN HALF A SWEEP, FOR REASONS OTHER THAN INITIATING THE CONCUPISCENT EXCHANGE OF FLUIDS?" Karkat is trying to throw the issue back into Jade's face by saying she should try dating for a longer period of time. But that's exactly what she's trying to do here! She knows who she wants that with! That poor little troll, he's not getting out from under this.

"JADE: third of all karkat arent you from a culture where people are expected to engage in romantic relationships with up to like five people at a time?? KARKAT: THAT’S NOT KARKAT: THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING AT ALL." If he's trying to avoid getting dragged into quadrants with people, he should stop upholding the validity of the quadrants to hold people off. :p

"DAVE: ok jade i think theres a flaw in your approach here cause you seem to think winning an argument on super clever logical grounds is gonna get a couple dudes to break down and fling themselves at you in like, a sexual way JADE: wellll it usually does ;B DAVE: oh my fucking god" So she swoons people by way of her big brain. Jade's got CLASS.

"This earns Dave a look. A long, sad one that has Jade messing with her glasses again so that she can peer right at him and apply some more of that faulty personal math to his facial expression." Just confirmation here that Jade isn't necessarily correct in all her assessments due to not being objective.

"JADE: dave are you in love with obama? DAVE: jade jesus where do you get this shit from JADE: is it about jesus then??????" Aaaaaand this has been derailed again.

"DAVE: no! DAVE: jesus wasnt even real JADE: i know he wasnt real! JADE: wait... JADE: are you saying JADE: obama was real? DAVE: ... DAVE: yes" Wut. Wai- I- Jade. Honey. Please. Guess for all her involvement in politics since, those isolated years on the island sheltered her WAY too much.

"DAVE: obama was real DAVE: he was the president KARKAT: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA JADE: all this time i thought obama was like JADE: an aspirational fictional character that you modeled your life after KARKAT: AHAHAHAHA I CAN’T AHAHA BREATHE... JADE: like snoop dog or nicolas cage" ... Jade. Jade no. You're just making this worse on yourself. For Jade, there would have been almost nothing in Homestuck she'd have seen as a reference to 'real life', would there?

"senary numeral systems that allow me to do complex equations in my head" ... Why is Base 6 good for complex equations? I'm probably not good enough at math to know.

"KARKAT: WHY IS IT LIKE SOME SORT OF *TRAGEDY* HOW SHE WAS RAISED? KARKAT: BECAUSE SHE WAS RAISED ALONE BY AN ANIMAL?? KARKAT: *I* WAS RAISED ALONE BY AN ANIMAL!" There! It's getting acknowledged again, how Jade's upbringing more resembles a troll than a human's! Becquerel the lusus.

"There’s a ripple in the room that makes it clear their god tier powers have just clashed against each other. He shifts his arm through time and Jade warps the space around them so that she’s the one holding the tablet. This is not the first time that they have rearranged the fabric of reality for a petty reason like this. Karkat has permanently sworn off playing board games with them." ... Lol. First real use of the god tier powers in Earth C, and it goes like this! Wait, couldn't Jade have snapped... Right, no, she actually wouldn't have First Guardian powers anymore now, I forgot. Still, what did Dave try to do, move the tablet to another point in the timeline?

"The moment Jade brings the paint program up on the television, Karkat stops laughing. KARKAT: NO!" Oh boy. Time for the Penis Quadrant scene, this time with three people. ... This would actually fall under both definitions of a "sketch", actually.

"He tries to grab the tablet from her, but she’s hovering well above the ground and he simply is not tall enough to reach. With a shit-eating grin and deliberate care, Jade begins to draw a grid." He's going to jump up to grab her leg, to disturb the drawing, isn't he?

"She gives Karkat a pair of fuzzy, angry eyebrows" Now I'm starting to think of the Karkat expressions in that one Paradox Space.

"all he accomplishes is turning the redrom trajectory between her and Dave into a redrom loop-de-loop." This is all I could want from a reprise of this scene.

"JADE: see me and karkat have great black chemistry! KARKAT: IT IS NOT BLACK CHEMISTRY YOU HORRID NON-CHITINOUS WINDBAG!" A+ denial there, Karkat, props on the response.

"JADE: and now that daves all chill hed make a great auspistice" Jade just wants all Karkat's quadrants filled by the three of them, somehow.

"JADE: because you and karkat are kind of like moirails DAVE: no JADE: and you and i JADE: well yknow its always been pretty flirty DAVE: jade JADE: EXCEPT!

Jade finishes drawing a shaky heart directly into the paint program. It’s so big and bright on the TV that it fills the entire room with red light." She's putting all these names and symbols to the relationship, it might just be too much for these poor boys to handle. :p

"JADE: i call this political arrangement: JADE: fully automated luxury polyamorous space-time communism!!!!!!!" That is not the shipping name I would've chosen, but it's the shipping name we deserve. And hey, communism! Get it? Cause Karkat had a sickle.

I wonder what Karkat's take on polyamory outside of the ashen quadrant is, actually.

"Jade rolls her eyes and tosses both the tablet and pen over her shoulder. Dave flashes across the living room to catch his very expensive computing device in both arms. The pen bounces off his forehead." This. Entire. Scene.

"JADE: i have to go talk to roxy and callie about the election anyway" Well, she's going to let them stew on this for a while. But I'm eager to find out who Roxy & Calliope would back. You might think Jane's a given, but if she's been busy maybe they have grown closer to Jade & Dave!

"Jade clicks her heels together to propel herself back into the air and actually winks at them before absconding through an open window." Think happy thoughts! Also, I just realized becoming a god sadly never gave Karkat the powers of flight.

"Dave and Karkat both stare after her, silently caught in their own private rationalization spirals.

Karkat needs to verbalize part of his out loud." Ah, but can they stay in that spiral or will they have no choice but to break out of it?

"KARKAT: WANNA PLAY SOME TROLL TONY HAWK? DAVE: hell DAVE: yeah" Yyyyyeaah, they are not going to have changed when Jade comes back, will they?

So even Karkat calls it "Troll Tony Hawk", not whatever absurdly wrong name it'd have on Alternia, and not whatever Tony Hawk's duodecimal name in Alternian would be. :P

[looselucy]

One - The Brits

“ANNA!” Rachel calling my name stirred me, making sure I greeted a new morning rather uneasily. I groaned, loud, raspy and frustrated, pulling the sheets above my head, trying to block out any noise. Especially Rachel screaming. “ANNA, GET YOUR ARSE IN HERE NOW!” “I’M FAST ASLEEP.” “I AM SHOCKED BY YOUR LIES, ANNA! SHOCKED AND APPALLED.”

I groaned a little louder, grabbing the top of the duvet with both hands and pulling it downwards, letting my eyes flicker open and grow accustom to the light. I turned my head, seeing that my digital clock was telling me it was 10am. It’s too fucking early. I looked back up to the ceiling, taking a deep breath in, then back out. The only downside I could find to having roommate, was the fact that my roommate was a morning person. I would have put money on the fact that Rachel had already been awake for at least an hour, if not two. I, however, had always been the type of person who could sleep all day, and finally come to life at night. But I suppose, in a way I was grateful for it. Without her, I knew that my sleeping pattern would have been totally fucked. “ANNA!” She yelled a little louder that time; my body jolted. I yanked the sheets further down. “WHAT?” I yelled back, real frustration in my voice. “YOU’RE ON THE TELE!” She finally had my attention. With one further deep intake of breath, I took myself from the comforts of my bed. My toes were the first to exit the warmth, seeming to sting slightly as they came into contact with the cold air. I let out an exhausted squeal, moving the rest of myself a lot quicker than I had planned, darting over to the door with as much speed as I could, covering my naked body with the dressing gown that hung from a hook on the back of my door. I moved from my room, walking through the hall and into the living room, seeing Rachel stood in her underwear, bouncing up and down, a spoon hanging from her mouth and a half full yoghurt pot in hand. “Put some clothes on. And please don’t spill the yoghurt.” I chuckled. She shrugged her shoulders, continuing to jump around. I turned to face the screen of the tele, seeing it hanging on the wall, paused on a still of the video. “Rach, I’ve seen the video more than a million times. I know I’m in it.” I joked. “No, it’s like… a celeb news thing, and they’re talking about you! I just paused it.” She smiled. “Celeb news?” I laughed at the very idea of it. “Celeb fucking news?” She laughed, agreeing that the very idea of me being a celebrity was ridiculous. Rachel turned and put the yoghurt on the kitchen counter before turning back around, grabbing the remote from the settee, and pressing play. It is rumoured that Anna Black, star of the Arctic Monkey’s - Do I Wanna Know, video, will be accompanying Alex Turner to The Brit Awards this evening. Since the song was released, Anna has been very high in demand due to the incredible success of the video, but she tends to keep herself to herself. We look forward to seeing her all dressed up tonight. As quickly as it had started, the pointless article had finished. Rachel started screaming, her arms thrown high in the air as she bounced up and down, alternating between which leg she lifted up in the air. I giggled at her, letting out an exasperated breath, rolling my eyes. I was shaking my head, walking over to the fridge and grabbing myself a yoghurt. “IT’S THE MOST EXCITING THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED EVER!” She yelped. “Don’t...” I tried. I turned around and she was with me in a second, grabbing my hands, making me drop the luckily unopened tub on the floor. “No, seriously, Anna! This is so exciting. You’re going to The Brits tonight, with fucking Alex Turner on your arm, and you were just on celeb news.” She had finally stopped shouting. I didn’t reply, I simply bent down, picked up the tub, and sat it down on the kitchen top. I couldn’t even bring myself to look at Rachel, who was finally calming down, sensing my unease. She grabbed me, both hands meeting the top of my arms as she turned me, forcing me to look at her. “Why aren’t you more excited?” She asked, concerned. “M'just nervous.” I whispered. She pulled me in, hugging me fiercely. I wrapped my arms back around her, unfazed by her bare body. Because the truth was, that I was terrified. The video blew up in my face, and I hadn’t been expecting it. My childhood dreams had come true when I went to see a friend at university in Leeds, and we somehow ended up bumping into the one and only Alex Turner. The whole thing was totally surreal; I couldn’t help but think back to the days where it seemed the Arctic Monkeys were the only band I listened to, traveling on the bus to school, talking about how madly in love with Mr Turner I was. So, as you can imagine, I was a little overwhelmed. We spoke freely, and he eventually came to tell me that I was exactly what he imagined for the part in their video. Not exactly the kind of offer you refuse. But for some reason, the video became huge. Everyone had watched, and it was such a massive topic of conversation amongst people, and I was a big part of that whirlwind. I had been thrust into the limelight, without any time to prepare, and I was unable to make the decision if I actually wanted that or not. It was mine. And truth be told, it petrified me. “You’ll be fine, silly.” Rachel attempted to comfort me. “I know, I know. It’s just a little strange.” I pulled away from her, giving off a little sigh as my gaze fell to the floor. “C’mon, you’re a sex symbol! You could probably turn up looking like hell and people would still rave about you.” I grabbed the yoghurt from the side, and put it back in the fridge. She watched me with sad eyes, knowing how much it was affecting me, how nervous I was, how scared I was by all the attention I had been getting. She was excited for me, and seemed to be able to see the positive side of things at all times, but I couldn’t. I often saw the negatives. I felt ungrateful. I felt like I was being dismissive of the good it had brought to my life. The mixture of emotions I felt about the entire thing basically meant that I was slowly driving myself insane. “I’m gunna go back to bed for a bit.” I informed her. I got a sympathetic nod, before I slumped back to my room, wanting to sleep until the evening.

The woman in front of me prodded almost aggressively at my face with a makeup brush in an attempt to make me look half decent. I squirmed away from her a little, feeling slightly unnatural having someone else doing my makeup, controlling the way I was going to look. “Hold still!” She demanded. “Sorry.” I whispered, trying my best to become neutral. I let my concentration fall to the woman’s fingers. They were wrinkled and aged, but still more attractive than I imagined hands ever could be. They looked soft to the touch, her nails long but natural, painted a light colour with a slight shimmer. She had about 3 rings on every finger, each different, none complementing each other, which made them look spectacular. I glanced up to her face, which was incredibly close my own as she concentrated on making my skin look flawless. I couldn’t help but admire her; I imagined she was about 60 years old, but she looked incredible. She really cared about her appearance in the best way possible, not over-done at all, just incredibly elegant for her age, and with the exact right amount of quirkiness. She was pretty spectacular. She took her brush and moved away from my face, looking at me from a distance. “Okay… I think we’re done.” She smiled. She stepped aside, confidently revealing the mirror to me so that I could fully take in my altered appearance. “Holy shit.” I blurted out. It wasn’t that she had made me look like someone else, which I had been nervous about, expecting to look at my reflection and see someone unrecognisable. She had simply made me look like the best possible version of myself. “Bad?” She quizzed, though I can’t say she seemed worried at all. “No. Not at all. It’s... amazing. How do you do that?” I was genuinely baffled. “Years of practice.” She leered, taking a step back and folding her arms as she stared at me through the mirror, impressed with herself. I leant forwards, taking my fingers and stroking my cheek, which hadn’t been so soft since the years before puberty hit. My nerves calmed an amount I didn’t care to admit, because I did not want to be the type of person who placed so much importance on appearances. But just seeing how much better I looked with my makeup professionally done really did help. I’d never been to an event so large in my life, and I wanted to look and feel good about myself. A knock on the door took me away from the mirror. “Come in.” Me and the lady chimed in time with one another. The one and only Alex Turner poked his head round the corner. “Are we decent?” He chuckled. “Never.” I smiled, standing myself up. He let himself in, looking me up and down, confused. “Well, the hair and the makeup is good, but I’m not sure about the outfit.” He smiled. I looked down, almost forgetting I was still in a baggy Beatles t-shirt and leggings. “WHAT?” I joked. “You don’t like it? But I have on my finest robes.” ”Sorry,” He held his hands up on the air. “My mistake.” “Her dress is over there.” The lady interrupted. I turned to her, seeing the direction her finger was pointing and letting her guide me to the outfit that had been picked out for me. That was when my nerves made their unwelcome return. I wandered over to the large black bag hanging from the wall, worried that the outfit would be something I would hate, something I would never actually pick out for myself in a million years. I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable, because the thought of being on the red carpet at all with all those flashing lights burning my skin made me uncomfortable enough as it was. I really didn’t want that feeling developing any further. I wished I’d been allowed to decide what I would wear, but apparently that wasn’t an option. I took my shaking hand and raised it to the top of the zip, calming myself as I pulled down slowly. A grin appeared on my mouth right away. Black lace ran the entirety of the of dress, creating beautiful flower patterns amongst the weaves. It was high-necked, tight fitting until the point where it would fall just above my hips, before it fell into a loose material. Alex came behind me, raising his hands to my shoulders and squeezing them, his fingers lingering near my collarbone and his thumb on my back. “You’re going to look great, Love. Don’t worry about anything, okay?” He comforted me.

We sat giggling in the large black car that had picked us up, steadily drinking our beers and listening to AM as we made our way to the awards. The alcohol seemed to calm my nerves almost completely, but I think the company was assisting with that too. Though the boys already seemed close to gone. We chatted with each other in high spirits, laughing away and never letting the conversation steer to where we were going and what was about to happen, because I think the lads understood exactly how nervous I was, and they were being incredibly understanding. But it didn’t take long for the mood to die. “OKAY!” The PR man that had hired for the evening cut our conversation short. “Black, I need to talk to you for a minute.” I hadn’t been expecting them to need to do anything with me, really. I thought I just needed to turn up, take a few pictures, and then enjoy the rest of my evening, surrounded by some of the world’s most famous artists, trying not to freak out. I didn’t have any more of a role to play. “Me?” I quizzed. “Yeah. We have a few rules for you, so I want you to listen up, okay?” I shrugged my shoulders, hating the word rules immediately, but intrigued. “Alright.” The boys and I listened eagerly, and I was happy to see that they all looked as confused as I did. “You’re supposed to be sexy, okay? The video makes you look sexy, and that’s what people like, so I don’t want on any this.” He groaned, pointing all his fingers towards me and moving his hand in circles, pretty much gesturing at everything about me. “Any of what?” I spat out, already annoyed. “Any of this… fun loving, friendly... bullshit. Sex sells, sweetheart. We need you to look serious, we need you to look enticing.” He said, looking at the pages that sat on his lap rather than giving me eye contact. “So you’re saying... you don’t want me to be friendly?” It was laughable. “You’re kidding, right?” Jamie laughed. The man’s eyes finally raised, looking at all of us as though we were idiots. “Is something funny?” He was angered. “No.” Jamie raised his hands in defeat, slumping back into his seat. “You carry on, mate! No worries.” “Good.” He continued through a fake grin. “So no smiling for the cameras, alright? You might be able to get away with a smirk, but that’s it. And no interviews, I don’t want them to even hear you speak.” I couldn’t even muster the words to try and explain how annoyed I was with the situation. It wasn’t that I wanted to take part in interviews or any of that bullshit, but I didn’t like being told that I couldn’t. I just sat with my eyebrows lowered and my mouth dropped, looking the man straight in the eyes, hoping he would tell me he was joking. But he didn’t. “She can’t speak?” Alex piped up. “I don’t want them hearing that Northern accent.” “We’re fucking Northern.” Matt then started. “I don’t care!” The man was almost yelling. “These are the rules we’re going by tonight, okay?” “Hold on a fucking minute-” Alex sat forward, pointing his finger at him with real frustration, but I cut him short. “No, it’s fine, Alex. It doesn’t matter, it’s fine.” I just wanted to get the night over with at that point, and maybe not speaking and generally not acting like myself would help that happen. I looked down, concentrating on the lace of my dress and the blonde tips of my dyed hair, holding in my anger, maybe even holding in tears. I hadn’t expected any of this when I said yes to being in the video. I hadn’t expected being in a video to change so much for me. I was suddenly this public figure, people had ideas about me, people were forming opinions and jumping to conclusions about me. I hadn’t even allowed myself to fully think about the lack of job opportunities after this shit-storm. Then on top of that, I was being asked to attend an event and to act stuck-up, which wasn’t going to make me look any better. I already felt lost, before we even got there. It was mere minutes later that we finally pulled up outside the building, lights flashing towards the car before they even knew who was inside. All I could hear was screams, every other noise was drowned out by the hundreds of people calling out, reaching out to the car, trying to stroke it, totally entranced by the idea that there were important people inside. I was totally bewildered by it, regardless of the fact that if I was on the outside of the car with them, I would be exactly the same. “Holy shit, I can’t do this.” I whispered. Alex turned to me quickly, placing his beer down in front of him, not caring as it spilled and the liquid soaked into the carpet. He engulfed my hands in his, and looked to me with caring, if not slightly misty, eyes. “It’s not actually that bad.” He told me. “And we only have to be on the carpet for about five minutes, and then we can go inside and you can be entirely yourself for the rest of the night.” “No one’s ever told me I can’t be myself before!” I gasped in a panic, rushing my words. “Actually, usually the fucking opposite. My parents always told me to be myself, they are really nice y’know? So like, I don’t really know what I’m doing. What if I fall, my dress might blow up in the wind-” “Your dress goes down to the floor.” Alex chuckled, interrupting my mad speech. “I know, but it could still happen, I’m a fucking walking disaster on the best of days and-” “Shut up.” He cut me off for the final time. “It’s going to be fine. Just grip onto me okay? Don’t let go.” “LETS GET A MOVE ON!” The PR man shouted. Alex gave me a caring smile, and the car door opened. Matt, James and Nick stepped out first, and the cheers became even louder somehow. Alex offered me his hand, which I gripped tightly, combining my fingers with his. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath in, faltering slightly, but finding some kind of calm, luckily. I opened my eyes again, and followed Alex as he stood himself up, and got out of the car. I was surprised I didn’t fall flat on my face right away. In fact, it was probably the smoothest exit I had ever managed to make from a car. The screams grew ever louder, the sight of Alex Turner affecting people’s vocal chords in an extreme way. But as I said, in any normal situation, on the other side of the metal fences, I would have been exactly the same. I moved my hand from his, linking my arm with him instead so I was as latched on as physically possible, as close as I could be as the lights started blinding me, leaving tiny white dots in my mind and darting across my vision. The boys were totally at home, as cool and collected as ever as we walked down the carpet towards the designated area for the best pictures. The fact I wasn’t allowed to smile became a little easier at the sight that none of the boys did, either. They just walked down the carpet like they owned the place. It wasn’t overly difficult feeling cool when I was accompanied by the Arctic Monkeys. We reached the focus area where the main pictures should have been taken, my heels already stinging my feet as we came to a standstill, turning to our side, and meeting the mob of paparazzi who began shouting, screaming at us, demanding us to do as they were asking. It was bizarre. I wondered how anyone could ever get used to that kind of thing. I glanced my head to the boys for a second, studying their faces, trying to blend in with them, not wanting to stand out, not wanting the uncomfortable feeling I had on the inside reach any part of my outer appearance. I turned back to the cameras, mouth parted slightly, looking around like I wanted to fuck everyone and everything there, trying my best to look just a little enticing. Don’t smile. Don’t smile. Don’t smile. Luckily, I had grown quite accustom to looking and acting that sort of way during the video shoot. I had been directed, told how I needed to look into the camera, what I needed to look like, how to ooze the idea of sex and seduction. So it wasn’t as uncomfortable as I had first expected. But usually, if I saw a flashing camera, I would smile! Unless I was drunk, in which case I never really seemed to know what I was doing with my face. “You’re doing great.” Alex leaned into my ear. Though he was shouting, it was still like he was whispering, the crowd seemed to be growing denser and noisier by the second. At first, I couldn’t quite figure out why they were becoming more restless. But it only took a turn of my head to realise. I had turned to yell back to him, and spotted the exact reason the crowd had become so riled up. “Holy shit.” I shouted, which was definitely not what I had originally been planning to say. “What?” He looked at me, our lips lingering close, causing the cameras to flash a little more frequently if that was even possible. They were eating it up. It was actually slightly amusing. “That’s One Direction.” I stuttered, staring past Alex and looking to the five boys stood taking pictures. They were a spectacle to behold. I understood the hype just looking at them. All dressed to the nines, totally owning the place. They were enchanting without even doing anything, still laughing and conversing with one another, at the same time as posing for the cameras. They knew exactly what they were doing. In a strange way, it was haunting. Alex simply rolled his eyes, and looked back to the mob. “I’m impressed they’re actually good looking in real life.” I spoke in his ear, directing my gaze to the skin of his cheek. I then proceeded to bite my lips, acting as though I had whispered something sexual in his ear. Alex grinned to the floor, acting along with me, letting my character grow. “Shame they’re talentless.” He spoke. “Are you kidding? Have you listened to their latest stuff? They can actually write a really decent tune, especially that Louis Tomlinson kid. I was genuinely impressed.” “No, shockingly enough, I haven’t listened to a single One Direction album.” He grinned, bringing his head back up, smiling next to my lips. “Well maybe if you weren’t a music snob, you might give them the time of day.” I smirked next to him, looking down to his lips, knowing that was the closest to a smile I could get away with. We were making it seem like there was some sexual tension between us, and we knew the media would adore that. Alex looked down to my lips, wrapping his hand around my waist and jolting my body towards his in one sharp tug. “You’re better at this than you think.” He stated.

The evening went exactly as planned. Alex and the boys took home 3 awards, British Group, Best Video, and British Album. They had begged me to go on stage when they won the award for video, but I stayed put, practically glued to my seat. I felt as though I had barely made it past the red carpet, so I was extremely aware that if I was to get up on stage in front of all those people, I would have totally caved. But I couldn’t help but feel a little proud. I definitely didn’t think up the idea for the video, nor was I anything to do with the incredible track that made the video what it was. But I was still in it, still a part of it, still a factor of it. So even though the feeling of pride was pretty out of place, I still felt it. We moved onto the after party held in a large building in the centre of London, and drank the evening away. My drinking had been steady since the early evening, so although I had drank a lot, the feeling remained neutral, steady and paced. Merry was the perfect way to describe how I felt. The same couldn’t be said for the boys. Unfortunately for me, their company had become a little tedious over the evening, just as drunk on themselves as they were on the numerous vodka shots they had swallowed. I gave myself some space. I sat alone at the bar, swirling the ice in my drink with my little finger, staring down to it lifelessly, mesmerised by the bubbles that continued to create themselves in the content of my lemonade, popping as I moved the ice, only to create brand new ones. I soon got bored, picking up my glass and downing its contents. I slammed it back down on the bar, my head spinning for just a second, before I found myself again, ready to order my next drink. I tried to grab the attention of the barman, but someone beat me to it. “I’ll have a beer, and a whiskey and lemonade, please.” The deep voice ordered. I glanced down the empty bar, spotting him. The infamous Harry Styles. My throat hitched up, then back down, like it wanted me to swallow but my throat was too dry. I looked back down towards my empty glass to avoid any embarrassment. He was quite the sight. I watched from the corner of my eye. The barman worked quickly, handing the order over to Harry as he passed over some money. I couldn’t help but think that the bundle of notes in his hand seemed to be a lot more than the small order could have possibly amounted to. The bartender gave him an appreciative nod, then moved away. Still refusing to gaze directly his way, I realised that Harry was looking at me, watching me, like he was really trying to get me to notice his staring. So I gave into him, letting my gaze fall down the bar, my eyes meeting his. With one swift push, he sent the whiskey and lemonade travelling the short distance down the bar. It slid towards me, not a single drop being spilt as it came to a standstill against my arm. It was seriously the smoothest fucking move I had ever seen in my life. If my mind wasn’t so relaxed from the alcohol, I would have been shaking, freaking out, screaming, shuddering. Though it was still hard to hold control, I stayed practically still, before lifting the drink, raising it to my lips, taking a steady sip, still looking him deep in the eye as he watched me. I put the glass back down on the bar. “How do you know I like whiskey and lemonade?” I questioned, restraining my smile. I was desperately trying to keep up my act, keep up the idea that I was sexy and mysterious. I had been in character for a percentage of the night. A little more couldn’t hurt. “I’ve had my eye on you.” He simply stated. Though I was a fan of their new album, I had never really watched any One Direction interviews, or taken any special interest in them other than their latest album, so I had not expected such a sultry voice to pour from his mouth. It was slow and deep, charming and polite, beautifully Northern like my own but still with a slight twang, fairly posh compared to mine. He was, in every sense of the word, appealing. “Oh really?” I ticked my head to the side. He smiled, and made his way towards me. He stopped just before the skin of our arms could touch. “AM Girl.” He simply said. I picked the glass back up and took a quick gulp, throwing it to the back of my throat. The name made my jaw clench. “Apparently, that’s me.” I tried to hold back my sarcasm, but it was difficult. He sensed it right away, letting his eyes flicker over me, his smile was gone. I ran my hand through my hair, trying to shake off the atmosphere I had accidentally created. “You’re fucking Alex Turner?” He asked out of nowhere. “I’m not fucking anyone.” I took another gulp. Harry leaned into my ear. I turned my head a little, making sure I could feel his hot breath down my neck. “Yet.” He spoke lowly. The character of AM Girl was completely out of the window after that as I sat with my mouth wide, chest rising, unable to speak. Harry took his hand, rubbing my back once, before walking away from the bar, back to the crowd. “You have a good night.” He yelled over his shoulder. I sat alone, watching him walk away and become lost in the sea of people at the further side of the room. I was gobsmacked, at the same time as being so hot and bothered, totally succumbing to that charm that seemed to have heightened his fame. My skin tingled, hot and heavy. “Holy shit.”

[cordonianchoicesqueen]

Rewritten: The Royal Romance: Hello Cordonia (Part Four)

A/N: We are in Cordonia! Drake and Riley have their first fight and finally Hana, the true unsung talented queen of the TRR series makes an entrance. Also, on second reading of TRR, there’s a lot of really sexist chatter by the male characters about how awful all the women are to each other/ gold digging... They make you so worried about the women in court but they are all fabulous in their own ways... Definitely will have to come back to that at some point!

Summary: Riley drops her life in NYC and boards a plane to Cordonia with Drake and Maxwell. Arriving at the palace she feels very overwhelmed but manages to make a new friend in the process.

Choices Chapter: Book One, Chapter Two, First Half

Disclaimer: Characters and main storyline from Pixelberry’s Choices.

Word Count: 2570

Warnings: none

Hello Cordonia

The next hour or so was a whirlwind. I walked into Elliot’s with my head high. My manager turned around to shout at me for coming in the wrong entrance and being a couple minutes late but when he saw my carefree expression, he paled. I told him exactly what he could do with his sexist rants and disregard for his employees and then rushed home. I had no idea what to pack but I didn’t have time to worry about it, throwing random outfits into my bag. I grabbed anything sparkly or fancy I could find… I mean I was going to a Palace! My wardrobe nor I was truly prepared for this major life change. Just before the car sent for me pulled up outside, I left my key to my apartment on the table and texted my landlord, glad that I had decided to take out periodic tenancy. With that, I felt my ties to New York fall away and I felt free… if not just a bit petrified. 

When I got to the airport, my bags were taken for me and I was escorted through the airport. I skipped line after line and before I knew it I was standing on the runway beside a magnificent private jet. As I walked up the stairs, I let my hand run across the cold railing trying to take in everything. Yesterday, all I had to look forward to was a day off from a job I hated so I could sleep and do nothing. Today, I was boarding a private jet to travel into the unknown. It was terrifying. Yet, my overly anxious self finally let the excitement take over instead of fear. The cabin was stylish and like no airplane I had ever been on before. The chairs were the size of three economy style seats and large tables so clean you could see yourself in them were dotted around. Maxwell and Drake sat across from each other, sipping glasses of champagne. “Wow,” I said, not managing to contain my inner monologue. Maxwell jumped up, handing me a glass, “say goodbye to New York and helloooo to Cordonia!” I took the glass, feeling underdressed even for an airplane journey, “I can’t believe this is happening.” “Believe it,” Drake chimed in, downing his glass, “we’ll be there before you know it, ready or not. And if you’re not ready, those ladies at court are going to eat you alive.” “Don’t scare her Drake!” Maxwell scolding, gesturing for me to sit down with them. “You okay, Riley?” “Honestly… I’m terrified,” I said exhaling. “I knew it. She’s not gonna last a week. It’s a waste of time bringing her,” Drake bristled. Drake had obviously taken a strange dislike to me from the get go. He wasn’t happy that I was out with them the night before and he definitely wasn’t happy I was there with them now. I tried to brush aside his feelings about me… but for some reason I really wanted this grumpy, asshole to like me. He was obviously close with Liam. It wasn’t just the women I would need to win over in court. “I don’t get why you’re being so grim about this…” I said neutrally. “Look, no offense,” he said, his words dripping with offense, “but I’ve seen girls like you come and go. It never ends well. Not for you, not for Liam, not for the royal family.” “Riley’s not some crown-chaser, Drake” Maxwell fired back. I’d yet to see Maxwell look upset or angry about anything. He, so far, had always seemed so bubbly. It was nice to have him in my corner. It was time to fight my own battles and it seemed the only way to fight Drake was with a fire of my own. “Drake, to be fair you’re more my usual type. Down and out bad boy who have a strange superiority complex and like making other people feel bad,” I chided him. “Hah,” Drake rolled his eyes sarcastically. “I’m serious. I don’t usually mess around with rich boys, much less royalty. So you can keep your opinions to yourself until you actually know me,” I said never breaking his stare. Maxwell let out a low whistle, “well I think that’s enough for our pre-flight entertainment. How about we get this plane in the air and play some card games to pass the time!”

A while later, the pilot announced the plane’s descent. “Look,” Maxwell said to me pointing out the window. “You can see Cordonia out the window. You won’t want to miss this, Riley.” I peered out the window and saw one of the most beautiful costal cities I had ever seen. Small buildings scattered the landscape down to docks where extravagant yachts and ships were moored. The sea was a fantastic blue, so clear I felt like I could see all the way to the depths into the sand where the fish hide. So used to cities with unapologetic concrete structures stealing as much of the landscape as they could and the New York grids, I instead could make out the winding roads of this city leading to so many unexpected parks, plazas and market stalls. A maze I couldn’t wait to be inside. The lights of the city were soft and seemed to be united into one pattern instead of different obtrusive flashes fighting one another demanding my attention On the top of a hill overlooking the whole city was a gleaming palace with a garden so splendid in colour I could almost smell the flowers from my seat on the plane. “This is Cordonia?” I smiled despite myself. “It’s like something out of a fairy tale… The sparking ocean, the swaying trees…” “If you burst into song, I’m jumping out the plane,” Drake said behind me but I felt like I could hear an almost smile in his voice. “I’m just saying it’s beautiful,” I shook my head not being able to believe my luck. “It is, isn’t it… Are you ready?” Maxwell gave me a reassuring smile. “Ready as I will ever be!” I exclaimed.

We rode in a black car with tinted windows up the long pathway through the grounds of the palace. Fountains sprayed water high into the clear blue sky and flowers of all colours burst from ground to meet us. “Welcome to your home for the next few months, Riley,” Maxwell said. The castle itself was extravagant with gold trims and ancient carvings built into the exterior. “This is where I’m staying? I didn’t realise I’d be living in the palace,” I said, suddenly feeling very overwhelmed. My apartment was probably half the size of a singular room in this spectacular building. I had done nothing to deserve this type of, literally, royal treatment. “Most of the nobility live here while the social season is underway, including all the ladies vying for Liam’s hand,” Maxwell explained. “Yeah, living under one roof just makes it easier to attend the rose ceremony later,” Drake joked, giving away a little too much about his reality TV watching habits. Maxwell rolled his eyes as the car stopped outside the grand doors, “Drake’s just kidding… at least about the roses. Anyway, I’ll show you to your room!” Maxwell hopped out the car and held the door for me. Palace staff appeared out of nowhere to take my bags and bowed to me before heading inside. “This is my cue to take off,” Drake said getting out of the car and looking at me once more. “See you around… if you’re lucky.” I watched him as he walked away. I scrunched up my nose as I tried to figure out what his game was. I was so convinced he just had a natural dislike for me but as the plane journey had gone on, it seemed that he was almost testing me, trying to see how far he could push me before I snapped. I wondered if I was only a social experiment to him, a play thing that I was sure he would get bored of quickly. Through the doors to the castle, I was immediately greeted by more splendour and a staircase with a blushing red carpet that would rival any images of castles or mansions I had seen. The baluster was a dark wood elegantly carved. The walls were covered in portraits of the royal family and landscapes of the Cordonian countryside. I followed Maxwell slowly up the stairs. “So what’s the deal with Drake,” I asked Maxwell, wanting to enjoy my incredible surroundings but not being able to get Drake’s behaviour out of my head. “Why is he so… angry?” “Oh don’t mind him. Drake’s never really… fit in,” Maxwell said carefully. “Not used to courtly life?” I asked. “Definitely not,” he said in a matter of fact tone. “He’s a commoner. He’s always been an outsider here. Even if he is Liam’s best friend…” I wanted to know more but knew better than to pry. I let the conversation drop as Maxwell led me down corridor after corridor. There was no way I was ever going to find my way around this place with it’s suit of armour lined, high ceilinged halls. “Your room is here in the west wing. In case you need anything from me or my brother, our rooms are just a couple doors away,” he said reassuring me yet again. “I didn’t know you had a brother?” “Yeah, an older brother. His official title is Duke Bertrand Beaumont. As the eldest son, he’s the heir and I’m the spare. You’ll see him tonight. He’ll be excited to meet you,” Maxwell smiled elbowing me. I couldn’t imagine another Maxwell! So bubbly and supportive even with people he barely knew. This was a case of two had to be even better than just the one! “I’m really looking forward to meet him,” I said with full honesty. Maxwell stops short in front of an ornate door, “this is it! Here’s your room!” As we entered, I realised I needed to learn to stop my jaw automatically dropping open when I saw the splendour that was presented before me. The lavish guest room had one of the largest beds I’d ever seen, with huge detailed throws and filled with fluffy pillows. There were full length paintings, gilded ceilings and mirrors that made me feel like Alice lived here and could fall into the looking glasses. “Wow.” “As a guest, you are spared no luxury,” Maxwell smiled looking at my face. I must have looked like a young child in their first candy shop, “so there’s nothing stopping me from jumping on the bed? From raiding the mini bar?” “There’s no mini bar, but the staff here,” Maxwell gestured to the man placing my very small suitcase in the room, “will get you anything you’d like.” “Sweeeet!” I yelled, letting myself go and throwing myself backwards onto the bed. I felt my body sink into the sheets. They were soft as silk and I immediately felt like I could have drifted off into the best sleep I had ever had. Maxwell laughed, “I’ll let you settle in before your big debut tonight…” I sat up abruptly, “my what?” “I’m sorry, I keep forgetting that you’re not used to this. The first event of the social season is tonight, The Masquerade,” Maxwell made jazz hands. “It’s the ball where all the suitors will be presented to the Prince, as well as to the King. Not everyone dresses in costume… but you might need to have a think about it…” Maxwell glances doubtfully at my modest suitcase. “I’m guessing it’s unlikely you’ve got a costume or a fancy ball gown in there.” I gulped, “nope not gonna have that.” “There’s a seamstress who frequents the palace before social events to aid the ladies with any last-minute fixes to dresses. She’ll be downstairs, you should find her and ask if she has any spare dresses in your size,” Maxwell said. “Thank you, Maxwell. This is all very overwhelming but you are being so helpful,” I half smiled. “Remember. Tonight is very important. It’s your chance to make a first impression on all the influential people at court and to stand apart from everyone else!” he stated. “Don’t worry. I’ve got this,” I said more confidently, standing up and straightening my posture.

It took me a while, but I finally managed to follow Maxwell’s directions down through the castle to the room that was temporarily being used as the women’s make-up and wardrobe space for the social season. As I stepped inside I heard a gasp. The gasp came from a gorgeous woman in the back corner of the room, dressed only in her bra and knickers. I immediately went beetroot as she moved the dress she was holding to cover herself. “Sorry! So sorry,” I said. Damn it, Riley! What did Maxwell just say about making a good impression?! “I didn’t realise someone was already here…” I continued rambling. The woman laughed, her laughter was the type that was infectious and I felt a cool relief wash over my embarrassment, “No problem. I should have put up a sign or something!” Still holding the dress to her near-naked body, she approached me, each step as dainty as the next, extending her hand, “I’m Hana. I suppose you’re also here to prepare for the Masquerade.” I shook her hand. “You’re just like me… searching desperately at last minute for something to wear!” I had been warned of vicious women who took no prisoners. Hana seemed competent and caring, rather than someone who would shiv me with a stiletto. “More or less,” I replied, not wanting to give away too much in case I was reading her wrong. “Just let me slip my dress on and I can show you around. The seamstress has already left for the day,” Hana said. I turned around so that she could dress. I could hear her struggling with the zipper. “Do you need a hand?” I asked, still staring at the door. “That would be amazing,” she giggled. I helped slide the zipper up her dress, that suited her petit and slim body shape perfectly. She picked up a matching mask, securing it in pace and then tossed herself a daring look in the mirror. She turned to me, grinning, “Thank you. Not many people in court are like you...” “Helpful?” I asked. “Nice,” she said, a steady smile on her face. “Ah this dress is perfect!” Hana spins, showing off her skirt in full twirl for me. “Now, what about you? Let’s find you a dress!” It only took Hana a moment to find me a stunning, long, white ball gown with cold shoulder sleeves and sexy slit up the side of my leg. It was everything I needed to look at myself and feel transformed into the princess I wanted to be. It covered all those bumps I did not like, was the perfect length and showed off all the parts of my body I loved. Hana secured a stunning silver masquerade mask to my face and I truly looked the part of pauper become princess. “You look wonderful,” she smiled admiring her handy work. “You did a wonderful job!” I responded, glad I had somehow already made a friend in this strange place.

[fancymuffinparty]

Okay, but does Annie really hate Reiner?

This might be an unpopular opinion but I really hope I'm not the only one who feels this way. Lately, I've been seeing a lot of people make negative comments on Reiner and Annie's relationship in canon and on the RBA trio in general. While it doesn't bother me all that much (because everyone is entitled to their own opinion), I just wanted to share my viewpoint and explain why I couldn't disagree more with the following statement: "Annie hates Reiner." 

I, personally, do not believe so.

(Then again, the word ‘hate’ is often misused to death... whether it’s an exaggeration or ‘for lack of a better word’ kinda thing.) 

Friendly reminder, Hate is a strong word.

Now I won’t waste my time arguing that Annie and Reiner are just two peas in a pod and total BFFs, because they’re not. But they are allies. Comrades. Warriors. Their relationship is actually one of the most fascinating to me because it’s incredibly complex, wretched, yet honest. 

This is basically just an analysis of their relationship in canon and an attempt to reason with some of the naysayers. Heads up. It’s long.

From the beginning, we see very few interactions between the two (though Annie hardly interacts with anyone), yet when they do share the same panel Annie always seems cold or indifferent. 

As kids, Annie is very detached from the group; very much a ‘lone wolf’. Like plenty of other characters in the series, she has her own personal demons to deal with. As is the case with Reiner, they’re deeply rooted in familial conflicts.

While kid!Reiner wants nothing more than for his family to be united together, Annie feels obligated to live up to her father’s expectations and fulfill a promise. That alone is her one and only mission...

One that she makes perfectly clear following a major setback...

Which brings us to the oh-so infamous quarrel.  

Here we have Annie kicking the shit out of Reiner. Alas, this panel was enough to convince a large sum of readers that Annie hates Reiner.

But let’s take a step back and keep everything in context. This is shortly after Marcel, the leader of the group, has been eaten, thus resulting in the loss of the Jaw Titan. Reiner makes a futile attempt to reason with Annie that they must continue the mission, or face a possible death sentence as punishment. Annie then criticizes Reiner for cowardice and is adamant they immediately return home. Emotions are running high in this rather unforeseen and unprecedented turn of events. And they’re only kids for crying out loud. (Or did we forget that?)

Bruised and bloodied, Reiner fires back at Annie with equal ferocity... but in doing so, he’s willing to make a sacrifice for the trio’s sake.

It’s enough to convince Annie to press on; to move forward with a seemingly impossible mission. She recognizes they are all in this together, and they only have each other.

Not long after this exchange, the trio successfully breach Wall Maria, allowing them to gain access to the interior.

When all is said and done, Reiner makes a promise to Annie and Bertolt that they’ll all make it home, simultaneously breaking our hearts.

Two years fly by and the trio only manages to scrounge bits and pieces of information. They struggled after the fall of the Wall to find the Coordinate, and then realized that King Fritz was a decoy, leaving them with few options. Ultimately, at Reiner’s insistence, they enroll in the 104th cadet corps and pretend to be soldiers to carry onward with the mission. Annie is initially reluctant to do so.

Again, given the limitations of any potential recourse, Annie goes along with Reiner’s plan- though she keeps her distance during their training.

When the two do cross paths in the cadet corps, it’s not exactly giggles and high-fives. Annie’s so done with everything...

After Reiner throws Eren her way during hand to hand combat training, she’s hardly amused, as evidenced by the expression above. Though that quickly changes when she indulges in giving Reiner a lovely throwback to their days as warrior candidates back in their hometown.

(Hey, in all fairness she’s kicked his ass before. I guess some things just never change.)

All jokes aside, is any of this tension the result of hate? A truly deep form of hatred?

I’d say resentment is a better word.

And truthfully, Annie has every right to be resentful.

Prior to the Battle of Trost, the trio plan for another attack on the walls (Wall Rose). Having just graduated (all three in the top ten, of course), Reiner is more than ready to move forward, believing this could be the ultimate turning point for the mission.

Now, one could use this to argue that Reiner in warrior-mode is the exact kind of person Annie can’t stand. She’s believed him (and people with the same mind-set) to be a fool; a mere pawn in someone else’s game. It’s also apparent that she finds the idea of putting on an act rather sickening. However, she comes to realize that lying not only comes naturally to her but is necessary if she wants to return home to her father.

Almost immediately, Reiner sees that he’s gone a little too far and attempts to rectify his actions.

This could be seen as foreshadowing as here, Reiner is reminding Annie of their duty as warriors. Obviously, she couldn’t care less about becoming an ‘honorary Marleyan’, but it’s not long before she’s given a rude awakening of sorts...

Before Eren’s titan reveal/transformation, Annie meets up with Reiner and Bertolt and awaits instruction.

After Eren’s titan reveal/transformation, we have yet another quarrel between the two. Unlike the former, however, Annie finds herself being put to the test.

A defining moment in the trio’s dynamic, indeed.

We all know how this turns out. Desperate and conflicted, Annie remembers her own personal mission, all the while Reiner is pressuring her to make a decision.

 As Bertolt once said: “Who wants to kill people?”

Does Reiner genuinely want to kill Marco? No. Of course not. But he simply can’t afford to jeopardize their mission. One might ask, why couldn’t he have taken Marco’s gear himself? Why did he put the burden on Annie, even after apologizing for doing so in the past? The answer is an easy one.

To test her loyalty to the cause. To remind them they are all in this together. That she can’t be too comfortable riding on the fence.

Was it manipulative? In a way, yes. However, I can understand Reiner’s need to make a point with his comrade. Though a lot of Annie’s resentment stems from this incident alone, she seems to accept the inevitable.

Her hands will be stained with blood, because this is war.

Reiner’s words are harsh but they’re also true. 

And Annie knows it.

Later on, it’s revealed that both had collaborated with another in two critical settings. The first one being the assassination of titans Sawney and Beane.

The second instance takes place during the 57th scouting expedition. (AKA the Female Titan’s debut.) With Armin and Jean completely unaware of his intentions, Reiner utilizes the opportunity to covertly reveal Eren’s location through carvings in Annie’s hand, commencing the first official attempt at recapturing the coordinate.

In both cases, it’s evident that not only are the two capable of working well together, but they’re also capable of putting their differences aside. Reiner and Annie can rely on one another because of their common goal: Returning to their hometown.  

Annie, the lone wolf, can handle herself perfectly fine.

But she’s willing to accept that she needs to cooperate with her allies to accomplish the mission.

The conclusion of the Female Titan arc results in Annie’s neutralization. After her defeat to Eren, she encases herself in a crystal and succumbs to a catatonic state.

Bertolt and Reiner, however, are unaware of this... even after they themselves are revealed to be the Colossal and Armored Titans respectively.

That is until, Armin informs them of an unexpected (though entirely false) travesty.

Armin’s bluff about the SL torturing Annie catches all three listeners off guard. Eren, bound to his restraints, is shown to be disturbed. Bertolt is angered and reacts with hostility. And then we’re given Reiner’s reaction. He too is appalled and angered by the news; finding the implication of his fellow comrade enduring such barbaric torment to be infuriating. 

Whether he believes Annie is actually being tortured or not remains open to speculation. Either way, Reiner is concerned for her well-being, and even fights Zeke when a dispute arises over what should take precedence following the failure. Zeke is convinced Annie is fine on her own and emphasizes the significance of recapturing the coordinate. Reiner on the other hand places a higher priority on rescuing his comrade, thinking back on the oath he made to bring them all back home safely. 

Unfortunately, Reiner is unsuccessful and from then on, he only harbors more and more guilt. 

Fast forward to the present, years after the disastrous Return to Shiganshina arc, and we have Reiner returning to his hometown. Alone.

Bertolt is dead. Annie is but a distant memory.

In flashbacks, we see Annie aloof and detached as always.

From the time they were kids in Marley, to cadets in the 104th, pretending to be soldiers, fighting (and failing) as warriors, Reiner and Annie have had plenty of ups and downs. The majority of their interactions feature Annie treating Reiner either with apathy or disdain, frequently criticizing his decisions. However, they do not let their personal issues interfere with their mission and cooperate when working together in the field. 

I’m not saying Annie is incapable of hating Reiner, but I wholeheartedly believe she is above hating him. I have trouble believing she could ever bring herself to truly hate anyone. Many readers misinterpret her character enough as it is. (It’s a shame she’s often reduced to a ‘cold and emotionless loner’.) Although she’s the type to keep her distance and keep to herself in most settings, I’d reckon that Annie is one of the most sentimental characters in the series- though she’s mastered the  repression of her deeply heartfelt emotions pretty well. 

To offer an additional perspective, we could use the EMA trio for a little compare/contrast. The two opposing groups may have some similarities; the headstrong one, the meek one, the quintessential badass chick. Yet, they differ in how they interact with one another. You’ll find that plenty of fellow snk fans will fawn and enthuse over EMA’s wholesome friendship. But I personally find RBA’s dynamic far more intriguing. These three broken and tormented individuals are brought together as children and endure hardship through a tumultuous five year course. Each have their own reasons for doing so, but they’re bound together with the burden of fulfilling such a daunting mission.

Reiner makes the clear distinction between ‘us’ and ‘them’; something that’s not entirely difficult for Annie to accept because she already treats ‘the world as her enemy’. 

Yet maybe that’s ultimately where the two are at odds. They perceive the world around them differently.

But their differences aren’t synonymous with hatred, as they are easily put aside.

Annie has to trust Reiner to a degree, however narrow the margins may be. Reiner undoubtedly cares for Annie, although she may never be aware of the lengths he was willing to go to ensure her well-being. I believe that Annie regards Reiner with at least a half-decent amount of consideration. As stated above, she definitely harbors resentment, just as Reiner harbors guilt.

But to completely write off their interactions (every single heart-breaking and complex one) with a mere “She hates him” is in my opinion overlooking the profound intricacy surrounding this particular aspect of the RBA trio.

Final thoughts: Isayama wrote their relationship very well, and in spite of what others may think, it’s one of my favorites in the series.

[rkhongjoong]

                                                           ━━━━━━━━━━                            THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU     BUT YOU DON’T KNOW                 THIS SONG IS ABOUT YOU     BUT YOU DON’T KNOW                                                            ━━━━━━━━━━                             █   OH JINSEOK     |     RAP + VOCAL           0:06-1:07, 1:37-2:28                    YOU DON’T KNOW for NOVAENT     █           1min 52sec audtape

when he calls nova to set up his audition, they're very specific - rap or singing only.  no dancing.  nothing over the top.  they just want to see the vocal skills he could present them with, nothing more and nothing less.  jinseok supposes that in this moment, they know what exactly it is they’re looking for.  why they’re looking for it is another question he wants answered, but he won’t get that if he fails.

jinseok isn’t really kidding himself, anyway - he would have accepted the terms of the audition even if they wanted him to balance on a fitness ball while juggling and playing the harmonica.

but he’s kind of glad they don’t because he can’t play the harmonica.

regardless, despite all the elated feelings and the joking around, things aren’t completely perfect.  not because he isn’t looking forward to the audition, not because he didn’t want to try out for this company - there was a reason nova was once upon a time his first choice, after all.  but it still comes with a feeling of dread and disappointment, and a feeling of guilt.  hiding behind his smile is the awkward reminder that he should have been doing this with his twin - they were supposed to get into a company together.  train together.  debut together.

this is what they’ve been planning for years now, and knowing that, jinseok feels like he’s committed some sort of betrayal.  like he’s taking a huge step forward while his brother has to hang back and watch him from the sidelines.

the thing about twins is, it seems like his brother knows before he even tells him.

he always seems to read the way jinseok holds his smile differently, if he’s worried about something or feeling a bit more down than he lets on.  because even though people think that jinseok is oblivious, he doesn’t quite wear his heart on his sleeve.  he’s a lot more secretive than he lets on, and his brother knows that.  he knows what jinseok needs without him having to say it.

that night when hyun is still at practice and jinseok is sitting at the kitchen table alone and staring off into space, he sits across from him. “ did you pick a song yet? let’s practice.”

jinseok smiles, but his lip trembles.

all of them are moving forward.  

the thing about rap is, if it doesn’t mean something to you then you might as well be simply reciting something dull.  in that moment, a rapper practically becomes an actor without a soul.  a sun that fizzled out a long time ago.  that’s something that jinseok refuses to become, especially in front of the panel in nova - if they really want to see his skill, they have to see the full extent of it.  that includes his heart, laid bare and beating for them to read like a bloody storybook.

as much as he may want to, he puts aside the idea of perhaps writing his own song.  making a beat, writing the lyrics, and memorizing them in the time span of just two weeks is difficult, and this audition should show off what he can do, not what he struggles with.  he doesn’t want to appear foolish and make them think he bit off more than he could chew - for now, at least.  the audition isn’t the place for the possibility of a stumble; if jinseok makes it through, he can go above and beyond trying to impress.

that leaves the choice of a song, one that means something to him and one that he knows well enough to perform.

things always come to jinseok when he’s not thinking about them.

no matter how hard he was putting his brain into the process, trying and failing and reaching for lyrics that would work for him, it just wasn’t working.  but the moment that jinseok let himself relax, it’s like the choice was set before him on a dinner plate.  loco’s you don’t know talks about his heart and all the things he feels for one jung jaewon and maybe, he thinks, that’s why it’s perfect.  it’s strange that a song he hasn’t written himself can resonate so strongly within him.

but it’s a song that came to mind while thinking about him.

(  and no one has to know.  )

the day of the audition does not bring with it anxiety, but instead, excitement.  jinseok has never been the type to get a dose of stage fright when eyes have been on him; instead, with attention he thrives.  when his foot taps against the floor, waiting for his turn in the audition room it is not out of nerves but rather, anticipation.  he wants to be able to show his spark.  the practice he put forth with his brother, late hours into the night when they both really should have been sleeping since they had class the next day.

there’s still the sense of guilt that lingers somewhere in his gut, but they are all moving forward.  jinseok has learned these past few days that he, too, needs to take steps on his own.

so he wants to make this all worthwhile.  just because he’s auditioning without his brother this time, doesn’t mean that he’s losing him.  it doesn’t mean that their dream of debut together can’t come true.  these thoughts sound off to the beat of you don’t know, because that’s the only song that jinseok has in his head these days.

it even sounds like the receptionist’s voice works with the rhythm when she calls his name.  everything for him right now is about the music, about this.  everything is about this audition.

he steps into the room and he’s all smiles, just as he always is - but there’s nothing lurking behind it this time, no guilt and no worries.  just a wide smile that shows all his teeth, one that doesn’t fall when he dips his head low for a bow.  “ thanks for having me today!” his voice is sure, confident and he looks the panel in the eyes when he speaks.  “ i’m oh jinseok, and i have something for you - ah, where did it go -” he starts searching inside the jacket that he’s wearing like he’s lost something, an aha moment and then - he pulls out his thumb and his forefinger, shaped into a heart.  “ found it ~” he snickers and drops his hands comfortably to his sides, rocking on his feet.  

(  he hopes he didn’t mistake the quick smile he thought he saw before a second glance showed only carefully schooled neutrality.  )

“ when i called for this audition, they told me you wanted to see what i could offer in terms of rap and vocal, so that’s what i’m going to do - kind of glad you didn’t actually ask me to balance on a fitness ball while playing the harmonica because that would have taken a lot of learning.” he pauses with another quick grin. inwardly, jinseok wonders just how many people joke around with the audition panel before they really begin.  he decides it doesn’t really matter - after all, this is his personality.  he’s always trying to get people to smile.  so he just brushes it off, scratches the back of his head and shrugs. “ still would have done it if you asked, though.  but since that’s not what you wanted to see, today, i’m here with loco’s you don’t know.”

there are a lot of things important to rap.  there’s knowing the lyrics, judging the flow, but jinseok still feels like having heart in the song is what matters most.  he thinks about his brother, because that’s who stayed up late with him to work on this audition.  he thinks about his parents, and what they’re going to say by the end.  

but most of all, he thinks about jaewon, and so he starts off slow.  

it begins with a simple melody.  singing isn’t necessarily his focus, but jinseok enjoys it - he can carry the tune in clear tones and closed eyes.  the thing about this song is that the singing supplements the rap that comes after; it’s not meant to be the focus but rather, an allusion to sweeter yearning and bottled feelings.

난 오늘밤도 너를 떠올려 니가 모르게 니가 모르게 난 지금 이 순간에도 어김없이 너를 떠올려  니가 모르게 니가 모르게

he doesn’t show any doubt, because these are his real feelings all wrapped up in a song that’s almost meant for him to sing - to rap.  and rap is where he really shines, eyes open now and looking at the panel.  it’s like this song is for them rather than who it’s really meant for, because that’s something that they’ll never have to know.

오늘도 조용하게 말하지 닿을 수 있다면 오늘도 조용하게 말하지 닿을 수 있다면 어쩔 수 없다는 상황 탓을 하며 괜히 상상해 보는 너와 마주치는 장면 그래 다시 볼 수 있겠지 널 언젠가는 매일 너의 사진들을 확인하는 나와는 다르게 애써 무관심한 척 보낸 말들 더는 아무것도 모른 채 살고 있겠지 노래를 듣게 되도 그냥 지나치겠지 용기를 내고 싶어 마셨던 술 때문에 잃었던 기억 서롤 붙잡고 쳤던 춤 더 빠져들기 싫어서 멈췄던 대화 넌 지금쯤 어떤 상대와 또 인연을 맺고 있을 수도 있어 이기적이지만 그 인연은 아니길 난 빌어

the first verse comes off smooth, natural.  he’s practiced it enough to chant it in his sleep, and even though this is loco’s song, jinseok - with his own charm, with his own way, is making it his own.  it shows in the way he points at the judges when a line in english comes in the form of lines sung, every time a you is spoken and a one, two, three -

생각했었지 미련을 갖기엔 인생은 너무 짧다고 그런 말을 하기엔 난 아직 어린가 봐 너의 말 한마디에 아무것도 하지 못하고 있는 나를 알기에 걷어내고 싶어 네 마음에 모든 벽 궁금해 그 벽장 속에 모든 것  조금이라도 내가 담겨있을 까 아니면 다른 누군가로 가득 차 있을까 분명히 언젠가는 잊혀지겠지 시간은 가고 이 노래가 남겨지겠지 이 감정을 버리고 싶지 않아서 난 끄적였던 가사들을 이 곳에 다 담았어 넌 지금 나의 모든 것을 벌거벗겨 그래도 난 부끄럽지 않아 당당하게 서있어 하지만 넌 아무것도 보지 못해 지금도 너를 떠올리네 네가 모르게 yeah

he finishes off strong, the second verse punctuated with an english ending.  this verse was trickier than the first, with different ways to work his tone and his lyrics - it’s almost like telling a story of hesitation, worry, with different stops and falling tones on certain syllables.  but jinseok did his best to convey, and he thinks that he succeeded - he did everything as he practiced those long hours into the night when he should have been sleeping for school.

so with nothing left to give but a smile, jinseok finds himself satisfied.  no matter how this turns out, he knows he gave them what he could offer.  there would be no regrets.

still, like a normal person, there is hope.  there’s a wish deep inside him that the judges can smile for him, too.

[paxgalra-blog]

Headcanons

Since I gotta study tonight, I’ll post this monster that’s been sitting in my drafts. All of this is subject to change; just spitballing here. I’ll make a headcanon-specific page at some point. I need a new theme anyway, so blah...maybe when I get around to making or commissioning that..

NATURAL APPEARANCE. Lotor can shapeshift extensively, though it took him a long time to develop this ability to its full potential (see heritage below). As a child, he was skillful enough to change his skin tone, hide his Altean markings, make his mouth shape more Altean, and hide the ridges of cartilage which interrupt his hair at two or three points. He maintains that simple transformation as his ‘default’ as an adult for a variety of reasons. It doesn’t take energy to maintain a simple transformation, just to initially transform, so he doesn’t return to his genetically ‘natural’ form when unconscious or weak. He can shift to look entirely like a Jekan Galra (subspecies stolen because it’s a fantastic idea from ograndsovereign) like Zarkon, entirely Altean like Honerva, entirely human, or a variety of other alien species, and can mix features freely. It can be intimidating. He doesn’t bother with this very much, stubbornly presenting himself as the hybrid he is.

RETRACTABLE CLAWS. As implied by animation in canon, Lotor’s hands and feet have claw-like nails which retract and extend like a cat’s. When he is relaxed, they’re usually in, his hands looking almost human. When threatened, they extend. He can control the claws on his hands, but not those on his feet.

REDEMPTION. The show can’t and won’t give him a redemption arc yet. Putting aside all joking about Lotor being another Zuko, how can a character be redeemed when we don’t even know what he’s doing yet? Even after we discover what his overarching plans are, we need to see him break down and question his most fundamental values before he can even begin down that path.

NARTI. What Lotor did was logical, but not morally justifiable. We’re still unclear on his feelings about her death and his other generals’ subsequent betrayal, though it seemed he was as upset as we’ve ever seen him. He doesn’t seem like the kind of person who shouts or throws things or cries. Silent grief may be all he expresses.

MORALITY. There is little canon information about Lotor’s inner workings.  My interpretation is that Lotor’s alignment is true neutral: a self-serving, goal-oriented, flexible person who turns any situation he’s thrown into to his advantage. Though he considers himself an outcast and a rebel to his people, the cultural norms of the Galra are ingrained in his mind, so he inevitably judges based on that criteria (which may vary by verse, of course, but by default are nihilistic and gray and almost Lacedaemonian). He doesn’t commit evil acts randomly, and he doesn’t lack any sort of moral center: it’s just a very foreign way of thinking because he’s a goddamn alien from a militaristic society who also may have had a traumatic upbringing.

HERITAGE. Though his appearance is a fluid mixture of Altean and Galran features, he does not remember meeting any Alteans and grew up without Altean cultural influences. For all practical purposes, he is mentally and socially entirely Galra...if a bit of a subversive counter-culture type. He learned to use Altean abilities, like shapeshifting and manipulating quintessence, with great difficulty and only after decaphoebs of trial and error.

MOTHER. Lotor does not know Haggar is his mother. He knows his mother was Honerva, and he’s aware of her research and vaguely of how it killed her. He doesn’t know the full story of what happened afterwards and believes his mother permanently dead. He has no memory of her. Growing up with stories of Honerva, he loves her anyway, and is determined to honor her by never hiding his status as a hybrid.

FATHER. Lotor saw little of his father as a child. He doesn’t know whether this is because of a lack of caring, a norm within their family line, or because Zarkon doesn’t like to be reminded of Honerva. Being the emperor, everyone in Lotor’s life worried about what Zarkon would think, hoped to win his favor, and feared his wrath. As a child, Lotor internalized these observations into a hope for his father’s approval and love, which he never seemed to receive. Now that he’s an adult, this relationship has only grown more complex.

AGE. There are two main theories I subscribe to on this blog, because they’re both enjoyable to RP. First, and the one I think is most likely canon: Lotor is a test tube baby created with genetic material from Honerva and Zarkon before their deaths. He is the Galran/Altean equivalent of about mid-twenties to thirty. Second, which I don’t believe is canon but is very entertaining, is that Lotor is a few years younger than Allura and was born before his parents’ deaths, though his mother was already quite ill. He doesn’t know what happened to them, other than that his mother died (permanently, as far as he knows), because he was a young teen and at the Academy, cut off from his family, when it happened. Time dilation and cryogenics have prevented him from aging very much, and he’s still about mid-twenties to thirty.

CHILDHOOD. (This is heavily headcanoned, and I don’t expect other Galran characters to adhere to this. If you don’t, I’ll work with you and will never inflict my personal headcanons on your character if you don’t want them.) Like all Galran children of the highest classes, Lotor was sent away to the military academy at age seven to become a professional soldier. Lesser classes may sometimes serve in the military, but they don’t become officers above a certain rank, and it’s a job, not their life’s work. In order to support the highest ranks being full time military, populous slave and servant classes do the work of agriculture, manufacturing, trade, and maintenance. To Lotor, this seems like a natural order. Without the influence of his Altean mother, he isn’t particularly aware of any other system, except those of worlds which were easily crushed by the Empire. It ties in to the meritocratic beliefs which were instilled in him: their system is the best, because their system is dominant. After many years of education in all aspects of command, strategy, tactics, weaponry, piloting, a solid body of scientific knowledge, literature, history, and a variety of other subjects, he earned his place as an officer and a citizen of the Galra Empire, just like everyone else. Like most citizens, he is proud of this accomplishment, even when he disagrees with tenets of the system it’s part of.

[ladyofthefanart]

Dana and Grievous: A: 1, 2, 7, 14, 15, 20 B: 3, 4, 5, 10, 13 E: 1, 3, 6 I: 3, 5 J: 1, 2, 3, 8 L: All of them :P

Gonna pop this under a read-more to avoid being an asshole to mobile users

A QUESTIONS:

1.What of the Meyers-Briggs personality types they most fit into? INFP, ENFT, et cetera…

Well, Dana is an INFP if I remember the last time I personally took this correctly. I just took one for Grievous and it spat out ISTJ, which I think fits him. He’s very observant (S) and tactical and pragmatic (T) and CERTAINLY an introvert no matter how good he is at public speaking and politics; that’s something he learned, not something that comes naturally to him.

2. What alignment are they? Chaotic neutral, lawful evil, et cetera…

Grievous is probably Neutral Good. I mean I just took a test for him and that’s what it said. He may be the villain of his story, but history is told by the victors, and he wasn’t one of them. And the protagonist of the story will ultimately find out how wrong they are and how right he is.Dana is probably Chaotic Good?

7. Is your OC confident in their reactions to life in general, or do they get embarrassed or easily shamed for it? I.e., if something startles them, do they insist it WAS scary? When they cry, do they feel like they overreacted?

Grievous is usually fairly confident about his reactions. I mean, when he says something is stupid, it’s stupid, end of story. He’s usually right. It’s only when he disassociates that he can start doubting how he feels and reacts, because he’s losing his grip on reality. Dana is more easily embarrassed, but she’s still fairly confident.

14. Is your character empathetic?

Dana is. Grievous has the empathy of a teaspoon.

15. Is your character observant?

Grievous is. Dana…..eh.

20. Are they harsh on themselves?

I mean, Grievous has spent 60+ years with serious survivor’s guilt, which is to be expected when you’re indirectly responsible for the annihilation of your entire species and the ONLY one who survived. He has come to regard emotion as weakness, and gets disproportionately pissed off at the slightest deviation he makes from the norm–like falling in love with Dana, for example. He was beating himself up over that for months. And Dana is likewise hard on herself. It’s always her fault, she could always do better, stuff like that.

B QUESTIONS:

3. Under what situations would they get angry at servers, staff, customer service, et cetera?

I kind of find it hard to imagine him getting mad under any circumstances, unless they were horribly rude to himself or Dana, or he saw them being rude to others. (Like, being racist, or sexist, or classist, or rude to the point of being insulting)

4. Do they tip well? How easily can they be moved to not leave a tip?

They both tip well. Dana has worked in retail and has many friends in retail so she’s always going to tip her best. He tips stupidly generously, because he has the money to do so.

5. Do they hold doors open for people?

Yes.

10. Does your OC find any “bad” or “mean” humor funny? Do they wish they didn’t?

Not sure what this means…Grievous doesn’t find racial jokes funny, and he’ll probably stab you in the eye socket if you make a rape joke or joke about pedophilia. However, Cards Against Humanity is a whole ‘nother animal and anything goes in Cards.

13. Do they have a large or small group of friends? 

The answer is ‘no friends’. Grievous HAD a very small group of friends that consisted of the nobility he grew up with, who became his most trusted generals when he became king. He also had his sister and brother. (He also realized his sister and one of his friends really liked each other and wound up pushing them together) They’re all dead. Right now his friends consist of…Dana, and Garausup, the only one of that original friend group to get resurrected.

E QUESTIONS:

1. Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree? 

Grievous is hyper-intelligent, we would consider him a genius by our standards. At least in some cases. The boy can’t draw a picture to save his life, his idea of a car is a box with a smaller box in front and four circles underneath. He’s good at perspective drawing, though, mostly because he’s more of a logical, mathematical person and not an artsy one. And he’s socially inept as hell no matter how good a politician he was. But yes, he’s extremely intelligent. Something of an idiot savant in some ways, but very intelligent and fiercely analytical.Dana is quite smart! But her IQ scores when it comes to math and science are pretty abysmal. In English, she’s in the top 1%. She also knows unecessary amounts of completely random knowledge.

3. How many languages do they speak?

Grievous speaks several. He isn’t a native English speaker, not that you’d ever know aside from his faint accent. He knows his native Vashaen, which is now a dead language, and he knows basic English and ‘Monarchy’, which is a bastardized version of English that actually makes SENSE, as compared to regular English where goose is geese but moose is not meese. He also speaks Septran, which is another language from his world, Latin (because he felt like it) and he knows some French, some Maori, and some Lebanese, since he likes learning languages in his free time and god knows he’s had ample amounts of it over the past 200 years.

6. Do they enjoy learning? Do they actively seek out sources of self-education?

Yes! Both of them do enjoy learning, Dana loves learning obscure new facts and Grievous just likes learning new subjects, which he will sometimes decide to try and master overnight. He has actually considered getting a doctorate, but ultimately decides against it because that would require a human glamor and interacting with other people and…no. I mean he might as well have one in political science, though, he knows more about that than our current President.

I QUESTIONS:

3. Are they vegan/vegetarian (if their overall culture/species generally aren’t)? If so, why? Do they think animal products are wrong in all circumstances?

No. Grievous is an carnivore and has no problem with actually going out into the woods and killing a deer with his bare teeth. His species consists of mostly mesocarnivores with maybe a few obligate carnivores and fewer hypocarnivores depending on location and availability of meat and plants, but all Vashaens have carnassial teeth and thick skulls for holding prey, and at this point Grievous is almost completely an obligate carnivore as his digestive track has been so severely damaged that it can’t process vegetation anymore. And while Dana may not necessarily agree with the way animals are treated in the food industry, she thinks the basic premise of most veganism is stupid. She won’t bitch if you tell her you’re vegan, but she will shove turkey in your face if you try and shove veganism down her throat. Also, if you try and feed your animal a vegan diet she’ll try and kill you.

5. Are they a good cook? 

Grievous is fairly decent, though not out of necessity, out of boredom. He no longer really needs to eat. Most of the reason he learned to cook was various girlfriends who taught him/liked cooking with him. Dana is not.

J QUESTIONS:

1. Where does your OC stand most politically? What would they align with most?

Grievous is vehemently against tyranny and dictators, and his bitterness honestly extends to a lot of forms of government. He was a very, very good king, and his people loved him, but after they all died he kind of veered towards tyranny himself, without realizing it, when he became the Demon King. (technically Emperor.) Dana is mostly liberal but fiscally conservative and fully recognizes that some liberal policies are just stupid.

2. How politically aware are they?

Dana is…not the greatest at this. Grievous is very aware.

3. How politically active are they?

Depends on the world. Dana isn’t very and Grievous doesn’t get involved with American politics much, although he did vote against Trump, for all the good that did. (Yes, he’s a citizen.) In his own world, I mean….he brought down the corrupt government. If that isn’t political activism I don’t know what is. (Okay that’s more a one-man revolution but)

L QUESTIONS:

1. How have your characters changed since you created them?

I mean, Grievous wasn’t even originally an OC, he was an interpretation of General Grievous that flew so far away from canon that all I had to do was change species and name and he was an entirely separate person. Dana has veered further away from a perfect, innocent little Mary Sue to an actual person. She’s kinda naive, but knows and understands more than you’d think, she’s resourceful, she’s got a thing for monsters, she’s nowhere near as selfless as you would expect after seeing her taking care of Grievous, she isn’t afraid to put him or anyone else in his place, and she has weaknesses, she cries, she feels.

2. What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any? 

Grievous: Pain and suffering, a need for someone to understand, a broken monster finding love, Beauty and the Beast, no one is beyond redemption, villains are not necessarily evil, etcDana: Humanity, compassion where others wouldn’t give it, a need for someone to understand, romance, true love, Beauty and the Beast, giving and caring.

3. Did you create the character to be like yourself, did they end up being like yourself, or are they very different from you? 

Is this a call-out? I feel like this is a call-out. Yes, Dana was originally constructed as a self-insert and in many a ways she still is, but she has key differences from me that fit her world in ways I’d never be able to fit in.

4. Would you hang out with your OC if you could? 

I’d hang out with both of them.

5. Which OC do you think is the most decent morally or behaviorally? 

Out of the two, Dana. Out of all my OCs, Dana, with Ashley as a close second.

6. Which OC do you think is the worst morally or behaviorally? AKA, which is supposed to be a “good guy”?

What? How do these correlate? This makes no fucking sense.Senra is the worst “good guy” and Amon is just the Worst, period. Amon does not grace Tumblr with her presence because I’d be lambasted into the fucking ground for having a character like her.

7. Which OC do you think is the most attractive? AKA, which is supposed to be a “bad guy”?

Again what the fuck do these two have to do with each other what the fuck does attractiveness have to do with moralityGrievous is the most attractive, DUH. Asmodeus and the Shadow are close seconds.

8. What’s the longest you’ve had an OC for?

Ashley. Since third grade. And Dana has been around since 4th. Actually, technically she’s been present longer than Ashley because she was a character in my second-grade stories about my imaginary friend but I don’t necessarily think that counts.

9. How did you come up with your OC?

I’ve answered this question for Grievous a million times so I’m not doing it again, same for Dana, but for her I’ll say she began as a self insert.