#jules vents

[marvelingjules]

Y’know, I always try to respond to comments, but when a person keeps commenting that ‘it’s good but I don’t like this’, I kind of just want to stop responding to anything at all. Like, idk, it just can hit in just the wrong way to make me feel more exhausted than anything.

Like okay, we all have our preferences for stories - but hearing ‘the writing is good but I wish you didn’t do this’ again and again is like... why are you reading it then. Why tell me this? Do you think I’m going to change my story just for you? I’m not, but I am going to want to get it over with faster now so I don’t have to keep dealing with your annoying comments.

[midoriyasbones]

my grandfather is dying. he’s been slowly dying for two years but it’s gone downhill so fast these past few weeks. we’re not sure if he’s gonna make it through the night. this is the only family member i have who has loved me unconditionally, respected my boundaries, and never made me feel like a failure.

i really can’t handle so much fucking loss. it’s just one thing right after the other.

[julietsbody]

i truly miss when writers were treated as members of the fandom, instead of just producers for extra content 😬😬 like ya its cool to read stuff of ur fav character but give ur writers some grace!!! they r members of the fandom as well, not every writer has to be constantly writing or just producing the type of content You want to read this is not just for ur pleasure!!! 🗣🗣🗣🗣🗣

[mrs-snape5984]

“Free me from this pain, I’ve been running from…”

“I'm tired and I'm free falling. Free me! I'm lost and I am calling you…” (“Free me” by Sia)

I’ve experienced some very rough hardships in my almost 40 years lasting existence in this world…but I’ve never given up on myself. I knew, that I’d have to fight my way back out of these horrible miseries, and I kept my faith to find the path to better times…to find the path, which will lead me upwards again.

I admit, these hardships left their marks, their scars on me. They formed my heart and my mindset…they made me the person, that I am today. I learned my lessons…and I kept going.

Since I’m living struggling with this goddamn bitch of a disease, called ME/CFS, my life has only one direction: It’s going downhill…and it’s getting faster! In these past 1,5 years, I’ve lost more and more of all the things, which made my life worth living for. I lost my ability to do my job as a pedagogue and social worker. I lost my freedom, since I’m stuck in my dark room day and night. I lost a lot of social contacts, since screen time is messing with my brain and each phone call costs me too much energy. I lost my capability to be an active mother for my three children…and this is the part, that hurts the most. Damn, I lost so much more…and I feel my heart shattering in pieces every fucking day!

Everything in my life is slowly falling apart and I’m losing my grip on reality…and on myself! The newest pain in the ass is probably my habit of passing out every few days. My whole system shuts down in the middle of a simple talk or something else and I’m falling into unconsciousness! I can’t remember the things, I’ve done before…I’m just blacked out for several hours. At first, my kids were afraid in these moments…especially when they couldn’t wake me up from this state! But now, they simply accept that “quirk” of mine as their new reality…and my motherly heart is aching for them. This shouldn’t be their reality! They shouldn’t have to live with a mother, who’s always in the dark…who’s always lying in bed! They’re children!! They shouldn’t have to whisper in my presence. I should be the person, they can rely on unconditionally!! Fuck…my heart is bleeding…and I’m sorry for my pathetic venting.

I need a way out of this hell…but since there isn’t any possibility for me right now, I’ll keep on clinging on Severus. My fantasies of him and my way of coping with my misery by writing stories about him and my - oh so self-inserted - OC Julia/Jules are the only thing, that keeps me mentally stable functioning. Well…at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I mean, I know how depressed my posts might seem.

My favourite artist for my darkest ideas is my friend @madfantasy. I told Mani about my wish to be freed from my darkness…to be cured from my disease. I need a saviour…a true hero…I need Severus! Since there aren’t any promising medical treatments, I’ll need a magical miracle to get rescued. And this is exactly, what Severus is trying for me. He conjures the demons inside my soul and forces them to leave my body. Severus is the only person, who’s brave enough to face the darkness within me. He’s my knight…and the love of my life. 21 years of my life, it was Severus, who kept me going…who inspired me with his resilience and his courage! A lot of those previous hardships could be endured by me, because I had something, I believed in. I had something, that gave me confidence and strength. I had Severus. So, please…don’t let me lose my hope and my faith in his support. And don’t let me lose my faith in myself.

Mani, my precious friend, I’m stunned by your ability to understand my ideas. Every time, I’m commissioning you for another project, your art helps me to soothe my troubled heart. It is as if you’re drawing my feelings!! I can sense my own emotions in every single line of your drawing. You don’t know, how grateful I am that I was allowed to meet you here. I love our conversations and our understanding for each other. Feel hugged, Mani! I’m sending you so much love! 🫂🫂 (fly fly) 🥹🖤 Thank you for everything.

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

[optionalblue]

TW: SU!C!DAL THOUGHTS

I saw someone say something on my twitter tl so now I have more to say on the topic…

do any of yall have a song or an artist or even. Fucking. A genre, that you physically can’t listen to because of trauma around it?

music is like the most important thing in the world to me, it’s rare that I hate a song or an artist, and it’s rare that I don’t just sing along to whatever.

my mom is a huge ass Justin Bieber fan, and I’ve kinda been adopted into that in a way, ever since I was little. one day we were just driving somewhere and i don’t know what happened, but a specific song of his started playing, and I started thinking about all the different ways I could k!ll myself for some reason? Idk it’s hard to describe exactly what was happening in the moment, but yeah.

now any time that song comes on, I can’t shake the thoughts and the ideas of su!c!de. I now routinely say I hate Justin Bieber but nobody really knows why. I’ve told my partner, and now I’m telling you guys? Idk I just saw a post about music trauma and now I want to speak out on mine because why not.

anyways does anyone else have this or like

[forfuckssakejim]

not to be with the boomers on this but goddamn im begging my brother to pick up a book and read. I shouldn't have to wait for an assigned english lit book for him to understand dumb classic book memes that my mom and i quote back and forth all day. he literally just got the boo radley refrences we've been making all his life.

today he was drinking a kapri sun he got at the store today with his friends and he was like "the flavor is shakleberry fin" and i'm like "lol, like huckleberry finn" and he didn't know who that was and unforuntately, at the same time my mom and i said, in tandem "read a book."

im just

please.

[tirednapentity]

i'm so stressed out rn because I haven't texted a friend back in THREE MONTHSS and at this point I don't know how to fix it or how to apologize for THAT so I've just been having nightmares about it. can anyone come over and like kill me with a hammer or something

[inquisitor-julia]

Wanted to go ahead and let y'all know that my current plan is to start being more active here and to like...actually try to interact with people *gasp* so expect me to post a bit more soon! <3

I'm making myself a writing/art prompt spreadsheet so maybe i'll post some of that soon too ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[wayward-souls-ships]

Today has been one of the worst I’ve had in a long time.

I’m feeling very defeated by life right now. I’m gonna hide in bed and hope I have an f/o dream to make it better.

[marvelingjules]

Me: *trying to work on a craft that takes my focus, after a long day at work followed immediately by apartment-stuff shopping*

My dad: *keeps complaining about things re: my move tomorrow. (It’s gonna be raining, he doesn’t remember where he put the directions for how to put my bed frame back together, oh the football game is tomorrow he might need to set up my TV first - and then giving me a dirty look when I say I didn’t get my wifi set up yet*

Me: I need a break.

Dad, in the most obnoxious voice possible: Take a break!

Me: *deep breaths*

[midoriyasbones]

lol what am i doing to myself

[julietsbody]

guys pls surround urselves with people who wish nothing but the best for u and only want love and light when it comes to u and wish the same for them as well ♡

[mrs-snape5984]

“Dancing with tears in my eyes, weeping for the memory of a life gone by…”

“It's time and we're in each other's arms. It's time, but I don't think we really care…” (“Dancing with tears in my eyes” by Ultravox)

After reading my following lines, I decided to put a trigger warning on this post. I used this platform to vent out my frustration and despair. Those of you wonderful readers, who get triggered by mentions of hopelessness and subtle hints of suicidal thoughts, should better skip the next seven paragraphs. Thank you for your understanding!

Lying in the darkness of my room…forced by this cruel disease ME/CFS to live a restrained life in a body and mind, which makes me feel as if I’m an animal, trapped in captivity…I often show tendencies to dream myself away…drowning in my fantasies of Severus Snape.

With him by my side, I can do the things, which my diseased body and my disoriented mind are refusing to allow me experiencing them anymore. Things, which I’m desperately yearning for, since this sickness has clawed me into her tight grip about 1,5 years ago.

I want to leave my darkness so badly that it hurts. The longing for a self-destined life in freedom becomes unbearable for me to endure. My only piece of liberty left is my habit of sitting on the balcony outside of my bedroom at nighttime, enjoying the silence of the world and a fresh breeze on my face without getting overstimulated by noises, motions and lights.

In times, when even this tiniest bit of peace isn’t possible for me to enjoy anymore…when another crash is suppressing me even further…forcing me to stay in bed for days or weeks, my soul seems to absorb the darkness around me. I’m getting tired of this life…tired of myself…tired of being doomed to uselessness.

I mean, what’s left of my former self? My professional career as a pedagogue, working as a social worker for the government office for youth welfare seems to be a fading memory in my mind. Now I have to ask my mother for help with each bureaucratic application form, because my retarded brain refuses to understand these things anymore. For someone, who has always been proud of their intellect and education, this is a real low blow. Also, I’m a person, who’s really bad at asking for help. The thought of being dependent on others has always been one of my biggest nightmares…and now I can’t even do the smallest tasks on my own!

My three amazing children were used to have an active, funny mother, who guided them through this confusing world….who showed them the beauty of life in its fullest. And now, they’re witnessing their mother lying in her bed surrounded by darkness day in, day out! Sure, I’m still trying to be there for them in my minimalistic possibilities…but it isn’t the same as they’ve always known it to be. You can’t imagine, how guilty I’m feeling for being so useless…for not being the mother, my kids would deserve to have!

In order to escape these thoughts of hopelessness and to forbid myself to drown in despair, searching for ideas of exiting this world, I rather keep clinging on Severus…like I’ve done it over the past 21 years.

I’ve commissioned my friend @opalchalice to make my fantasy of Severus and my (self-inserted as fuck) OC Julia, dancing in the rain…letting their sorrows be washed off from the pouring raindrops…come to life through her beautiful art. I asked her to draw this moment of peace for Sevy and Jules…a moment of joy before the world around them would fall apart.

Lia, you did an incredible job with this artwork! There’s nothing, that I don’t love about it. Please, take my apologies for writing such a pathetically whiny post beneath your lovely drawing. I know, it should have deserved better. But rest assured, my friend, your art always gifts me some light and comfort for my troubled heart and soul and I enjoy every conversation with you! Thank you for everything!

🖤Severus & Julia🖤

🖤Sevy & Jules🖤

[kazetokinouta-a]

Arion Rosemarine and Jules de Ferrier

[optionalblue]

⚠️ mentions of SH ⚠️

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SOMEONE JUST TOLD ME “oh so your girlfriend being at camp makes you want to kill yourself” AND I WAS LIKE “No I’ve just had a bad day” aND THEY FUCKIN GO “Yknow maybe *insert persons name here* is right if you depend on eachother to the point of wanting to sl!t your wrists if they’re not around” AHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAHHHH AAAAHHHAHHHHHHHHH I WAS JUST SAYING HOW I’VE HAD A HARD DAY PLEAS SHUT THE FUCK UPPPPPPPPPP

cAN I LIKE RUN AWAY PLS

Help help help help help *continues to draw to get rid of the voices*

[3knecrotic]

Rue Bennett didn't have a benadryl phase during her withdrawals and honestly? Unrealistic writing choice but ok /hj