#just Will Ferrell because apparently he was bad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thesinglesjukebox · 10 months

Text

ZACH BRYAN FT. KACEY MUSGRAVES - "I REMEMBER EVERYTHING"

youtube

An old Jukebox fave meets a new country darling we apparently also kinda like...

[6.57]

Nortey Dowuona: There are 3 white men I trust. Zach Bryan is one of them. Mainly because he doesn't attempt to append holier than thou posturing for internet brownie point, beg for bigots approval to make his crashing career successful or fuck around making bad Jeremih songs to appear ahead of the curve. He just writes honest, sincere songs about being a deeply flawed man who is consistently putting himself out there to be loved and to love back, despite the consequences or the punishment of pain, shame, loneliness, failure. Kacey thrives in the midst of these moments and within the turmoil, making a home for herself alongside him, despite it coming apart at the seams due to the aforementioned flaws. And as they sing the final chorus together, you feel the strained, flickering love that is leaning and diminishing, only one breath away from being extinguished. [8]

Jonathan Bradley: Imagine Zach Bryan two decades ago: this ex-military ne'er-do-well recording lo-fi country ballads on his lonesome out in Oklahoma would have been signed to Lost Highway and then lost in the thickets of Paste write-ups. Now he's number one on Billboard. Times change, but so do the hooks, and Bryan has landed on a good one, the way he and Kacey Musgraves wail "you only smile like that when you're drinking," lovelorn and desolate together. Bryan is a folk singer of negative space; he illuminates his glowing little melodies while the song surrounding him lives in that vast blackness stretching into the great plains beyond. [9]

Alfred Soto: Zach Bryan writes about blasted, blighted lives, and his workaday conviction elevates the occasionally staid material. Rotgut whiskey and Kacey Musgraves can't ease his mind. So he dwells in the shadow of memory. [6]

Michael Hong: Bryan's gruffness sounds great on his plain arrangements, but the thinness of Musgraves' voice on her solo take of the chorus makes the whole track feel stiff. The real gem off his self-titled album is with Sierra Ferrell, the plainness making their harmonies and its melodic simplicity shine. [4]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: I'll be honest: the first several times I only listened to this for Kacey Musgraves. The more I hear "I Remember Everything," however, the more I see how Kacey's diaphanous, hazy delivery only works because of how Bryan acts as a brusk, grounded foil. He seems like a perfectly pleasant, reclusive, well-therapized man, one who has earned the moment in the sun he's experienced this year. [7]

Ian Mathers: It is kind of wild to think that this guy is considered the same basic genre (and has hits on the same charts) as that Morgan Wallen fuck; chunks of this are not that far away from, say, Damien Jurado. I'm sure it's not Bryan's only mode (he put out a fucking triple album, for god's sake), but it works here. [7]

Thomas Inskeep: The music on the verses (especially the first) almost sounds like it's being played at the wrong speed? And what's with Bryan's mush-mouthed singing voice? Not to mention that this doesn't sounds like the duet it should be, just two singer's verses spliced together. I'd love to like this, but not much about it works for me. [4]

Leah Isobel: "I Remember Everything" is approximately two steps away from Pity Sex; even its flashes of humor bend toward flowery emo sentiment ("You're like concrete feet in the summer heat/ It burns like hell when two soles meet"). It's fertile ground, but the weepy arrangement and Zach's whimpery, crackling vocal oversell it a bit. [6]

Katherine St Asaph: Three things elevate "I Remember Everything" from the staid "see, this is real country music" ballads that it's not far off from. Zach Bryan's songwriting is carefully observed, and his muted voice suggests a low emotional ceiling -- making it extra powerful when he rips through it. And in turn Kacey Musgraves' voice, while still youthful and winning, is maturing nicely into a less tremulous Emmylou or Dolly. [8]

Hannah Jocelyn: There's this slightly late guitar strum at 1:34 (and again at 3:03) that's annoyed me all year, and I have to point it out because nobody else has. Otherwise, this is an above-average Civil Wars song with some pretty 7/4 verses, marred by a rushed production job -- the arrangement aims for gravitas, but you need lush Daniel Lanois or Gary Pacsoza production for that, not first-take-best-take performances. Yet if it's Zach Bryan or Noah Kahan, I'm taking Bryan every time. [6]

John S. Quinn-Puerta: Between this and Noah Kahan's ascendancy I'm convinced that folk and country will make it 2013 again through science or magic. If it means more duets, I'll take it! [8]

Tara Hillegeist: Soulful melancholy over gentle strumming meant to put the emphasis on the observed detail, the folksy reminiscences, of the singer's well-waxed lyricism is as much a posture as the cocksure drunkard's swagger, where country's concerned; it all comes down to whether you can back the pose up with a sincere enough delivery to match. Good thing Bryan has a voice like an old train engine run hard off homemade distillations, instead of something studio-smooth and syrupy-slick; it sells the vibe almost as well as the images his lyrics conjure up can manage, all by themselves. Musgraves' lighter touch doesn't shift the tenor of the piece so much as add another tone to the portrait being sonically painted; the flecks of sunlight and gold, coming in through the glass bottle you can all but hear, sitting not far from Bryan's hand. Indeed, she's the one to shed a little needed light on one of those ironic details that can give the rest of a song the kind of wry, bittersweet bite it needs to go down feelingly. For all that the song is a story told by Bryan's narrator, it's Musgraves' girl that's remembered early, lyrically, as the better tale-spinner of the two. So, naturally, when it's her turn on the verse, it comes out that the one time Bryan's narrator went so far as to imagine up a future between the two of them, she already knew he couldn't really mean it. A less controlled song would've found a moment to resolve that tension before it ended; "I Remember Everything" simply lingers in the revelation, and the melancholy, and the might've-beens, till the sun comes up and the unwise urge to do more than live with it passes. [8]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: He's just some guy, which is the point. And this is stately, well-struck, and a little bit boring -- "Dawns" did it better, and not just because Maggie Rogers is a much better fit within the Zach Bryan sonic universe -- but I still find it charming even through all of the tedious talk of authenticity and roots rock stardom. Much like everything he's done, "I Remember Everything" is self-conscious of Zach Bryan's place in the world -- the lyric is all lived-in small town signifiers, less a narrative or even a "Don't You Want Me" style point-counterpoint and more a slice of life, but everything else aims for grandeur. Kacey Musgraves is perhaps the crux of "I Remember Everything" -- unlike the rest of the guests (The Lumineers and a bunch of guys that sound like The Lumineers) on Zach Bryan by Zach Bryan, she's (a) made interesting music herself and (b) grappled with that same lyrical/musical divide in her own work. And yet the slight distance in her performance is what ultimately consigns the song to being an interesting curio rather than a barn-burner: the two sketch slightly different frames on the same moment, Musgraves remembering but Bryan desperately asking to be remembered. [6]

Brad Shoup: Maybe it's the sand or the "grown men don't cry" bit, but this feels like Bryan's Lana Del Rey homage: I'm kinda surprised the violins weren't boosted about 25%, or that the drummer didn't try something more martial. As soon as I realized we were getting a boy-girl duet about slugging down whiskey, I thought about Paisley/Krauss. But Bryan's not interested in that kind of operatic tragedy. He's more glum than maudlin, fiddling with the memory of a truck like the screwcap on some Kentucky Gentleman. Musgraves is the voice of reason, or maybe just exasperation; she can't caress the melody alongside Bryan because that would be commiseration. [5]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

#zach bryan #kacey musgraves #music #country music #music writing #music reviews #music criticism #the singles jukebox #long reads #Youtube

6 notes · View notes

oopshisaygoodnight · 2 years

Text

the souring of Wilde

i shall tell my story chronologically, because it is better served by understanding some of what harry has been through for the past 12 years.

to start with Booksmart was perhaps my favorite movie of 2019.

a second movie from olivia was exciting, florence pugh & shia labeauf were exciting casting choices in 2020. shia left to be replaced by harry styles- exciting casting news. january 2021, harry and olivia dating? very cool! harry has good taste in directors i like, and an older woman, all very cool. 2021- we get pap photos of them walking in LA, kissing on a yacht in italy- very fun little gossip bits, a little scandy.

fall 2021- i get to see harry in denver on september 7th. i have the most wonderful time. i contemplate giving up everything so i could follow him around the country, but i take my merch and don’t dive in deeper. i am jealous when i see olivia attend a BUNCH of shows and is out in the back of the pit, having some little interactions with fans. i live vicariously through recommended reels etc.

2022- i read that book that sends me down larry/1d spiral. i learn more about harry in general. i wonder about his various scandals that i hadn’t paid attention to- any quick google of his dating history kind of underscores a lot of short relationships, loose acquaintanceships with one night stands.

he wrote Fine Line apparently gutted after ending a year long relationship with the french model camille rowe- she is the voicemail on cherry.

coachella sends me all the way to stan twitter- i mostly want to talk about harry and theorize about lyrics and generally have fun learning new things. by the time i get to larry, it is clear that there is subsection of harry stan twitter that is in fact no stunts larrie twitter. the “no stunts” is critical- it is demonstrating that you essentially believe all his “public” relationships have been stunts.

that seems a little out-there, but as they say, i’m not one to yuck anyones yums. that side of twitter seems to be more queer and generally fun, so i mostly surround myself with people with that hard line.

some hard lines get drawn within the community because larries are very protective- public acknowledgment of larry and larries always ends badly, and if you are a larrie you are at the mercy of antis (whose missions is to call larries brain damaged) or solos (who think one direction nostalgia is destructive)

anyway- you’re either with us or you’re against us is the attitude.

but research is encouraged, mining history for insights, rabbit holes and archival stuff like that! very fun.

i see someone say they flipped off olivia at coachella- feels disrespectful and rude. keep your theories to the internet, yknow.

anyway, over the course of the european summer tour, there is very much an attitude of “is she there” and when she was people felt sick and when she wasn’t people rejoiced.

people would go about hating on olivia in ways that i didn’t feel like condoning, but a lot of the stuff was picked up and quoted in media as misogynists attacks by rabid harry fans who would criticize anyone dating him, calling her old/ugly/a bad mother who left her kids to follow her boyfriend pop star around.

the stuff that people we referencing as criticisms were old trespasses- making jokes about “tranny”, “wishing she was black”, insensitive stuff verging in homophobic. it’s a smattering of stuff from 2012 onwards, but stuff that an adult should have known better.

some critical moments of don’t worry darling press: interview with emerald ferrell in a directors on directors interview- Olivia has a no assholes policy!

just looking at her instagram numbers… it’s wild how much it has gone up

0 notes

ejga-ostja · 3 years

Text

Megamind dubs 1

I made this acc to post guilt-free about anything Megamind related so here!! My obscure hobby, watching and rating Megamind dubs : D I write a mini review for every dub, really unprofessional, just my raw thoughts, opinions and impressions, I thought this might be a good place to share them. I plan on doing these in batches of 6, I actually watched 8 so far but even this is gonna be quite lengthy so yea.

Anyways tho!! Here’s the first 6 dubs I’ve seen so far in order and my thoughts on them!

🇷🇺 RUSSIAN DUB 🇷🇺 Rating: 10/10 - Syncing is done REALLY well. - All the VAs are in character. - Emotional scenes keep their impact, done really well. - Hilarious names. - Minion's 'death' scene better in this dub than in english imo. - Just a few moments when I cringed at the voice acting, which is inevitable.

Megamind's voice: - Kinda hot. - Has good range. - Very in character!! Holy fuck. - Excellent evil laughter.

Individual voices: - Everyone is fantastic, Hal's voice is not my personal preference but it fits him.

🇫🇮 FINNISH DUB 🇫🇮 Rating: 10/10 - Just really well done all together!! - Syncing is done well. - Everyone does the character they play excellently. - Major emotional scenes keep their impact. - Minion's death scene is once again better dubbed. - The only dub I've seen that does 'but that's a poor lady's scream' gag right so far.

Megamind's voice: - Sounds too twinkish for my taste but you get used to it soon. - Very in character. - I don't like his evil laughters that much but they get better as the movie progresses. - He does Megamind's screams really well tho.

Individual voices: - Like I said EVERYONE does justice to the character they play it's great. Especially Roxanne's VA is fantastic for her. - Roxanne and Metro Man kinda hot. - Minion's Finnish voice is very fitting to him.

🇮🇹 ITALIAN DUB 🇮🇹 Rating: 6/10 - Syncing is done well. - Thought it was good at first but liked it less and less as it went on. - Major problem is that VAs do their characters fine, but their voice is usually unfitting. - Lots of bits from the original are kept in, sometimes it's good, sometimes it's distracting. - The Megamind fighting himself gag was much more lively than in the original, which made it super funny in a good way.

Megamind's voice: - He's very calm, too toned down, which didn't bother me at first, but became a problem as the movie went on, ESPECIALLY because there are a few bits where it's obvious the VA is capable of giving Megamind the energy his character needs. - However the calmness works to his advantage in sad scenes because BOY does he make Megamind sound sad. - His laughs are fun. - Although I don't like Roxanne's voice, it weirdly fits with Megamind's voice.

Individual voices: - Similar to Megamind most VAs are too toned down. - Roxanne is disappointing. She delivers all her lines well but her voice is painfully unfitting. - Metro Man suffers a similar problem but not as apparent. - Hal is fine, his voice is really similar to Jonah Hill's. - Minion is fantastic. Sounds more 'gentleman' than in the original but it's really fitting. I wanna be his friend.

🇩🇪 GERMAN DUB 🇩🇪 Rating: 7.5/10 - Not the best but I had a ton of fun watching it! - Unlike with the Italian dub, this one seemed to get better overtime. - Syncing was alright. - Megamind's voice is the best, everyone else has something holding them back. - Rain scene wasn't done justice, but Megamind in jail pre-Titan fight was done amazingly. - 'Poor lady's scream' gag done right again. - Screams/shouts were done really well with this cast.

Megamind's voice: - A bit too calm for Megamind, but delivers the right energy when needed. - Does comedic lines well. - His laughs are usually kinda weird. - Multiple occassions where he delivers the line same way Will Ferrell did which is great.

Individual voices: - Metro Man kinda sucks in this dub. - Roxanne's VA has a fitting voice, but doesn't quite nail the character. - Hal's VA is REALLY GOOD but his voice is super unfitting. - First dub of Minion I didn't like but can't quite pin down why.

🇸🇮 SLOVENIAN DUB 🇸🇮

Rating: 6.5/10 - Exceeded my expectations! - Was really fun, altho sometimes in a 'fun bc it's bad' way. - Syncing wasn't all that great. - Good in the beginning, lacked in the middle, then good towards the end again. - Most emotional scenes weren't that great. - The Roxanne rejecting Hal scenes was weirdly awful compared to the rest of the dub. - Translations were fun, more witty than I expected. - Comedy is often lacking.

Megamind's voice: - Sounds very kind, I trust him. - Lacks Megamind's energy most of the time. - Pretty alright but nothing special.

Individual voices: - Hal's VA is FANTASTIC, has a fitting voice, nails his characters, speaks more casually than the rest of the cast which makes him appear more slimy somehow. - Metro Man and Roxanne are both fine, Roxanne does the best screams of any dub I've seen so far. - Minion's voice I don't like but only because it's too 'comedy relief character' type of vibe.

🇭🇷 CROATIAN DUB 🇭🇷 Rating: 8.5/10 - Really good dub! - Super strong in the first 30ish minutes. - Syncing done well. - Emotional/important scenes mostly keep their impact except for Megamind returning to jail/Roxanne calling out to him. - Poor lady's scream better than the original?? SOMEHOW???

Megamind's voice: - The highlight of this dub, he's fantastic. - Has a painfully twinkish voice but makes up for it in AMAZING energy and character. - Does comedy super well. - Not as impactful during emotional scenes but gets the job done.

Individual voices: - Roxanne's VA is interesting, she either sounds like Tina Fey with a bit more flare or a snotty teenager, but the latter is more rare as the movie progresses. Also she does squeak-screams which are ADORABLE. - Minion and Metro Man are fine, Hal's voice is somewhat unfitting but not too distracting.

CURRENT RATING (best to worst):

RUS, FIN, CRO, GER, SLO, ITA

#megamind #megamind dubs

20 notes · View notes

adultswim2021 · 3 years

Text

Ephemera Week (2002)

It’s still ephemera week, and we’re still talking about John K. I said most of my piece on him in the last post, so don’t expect there to go full bore on this one, except I forgot to say he’s animation’s Jerry Lewis. His current stuff is basically Hardly Working. I will not elaborate, because I’m being mean to you0.

MARCH SPECIALS!

In March, Adult Swim advertised a run of one-off specials. A couple of them were already covered because they fell under the parameters of “Adult Swim original production”. They were Welcome to Eltingville (March 3rd) and Saddle Rash (March 24th).

Day in the Life of Ranger Smith | March 10th 2002 - 11:00 PM (Originally aired on Cartoon Network in 1999)

This was one of two specials commissioned by Cartoon Network re-imagining Yogi Bear. The artist what took this assignment was John K, who I REEEAALLY skewered in last night’s post, didn’t I?

This is about Ranger Smith harassing animals and writing them up for violating park rules, basically. It’s short! I remember liking it at the time! Okay, maybe I’m going crazy here, but I distinctly remembered a part at the end where Ranger Smith is in bed and he solemnly confides in the viewer that the noises of wilderness give him nightmares and then it just ends. Did I imagine this? It does end with him in bed, but this doesn’t happen in the version on YouTube (which is from the Adult Swim airing). Huh.

Boo Boo Runs Wild | March 10th 2002 - 11:15PM (Originally aired on Cartoon Network in 1999)

Boo Boo Runs Wild was another one of these stand-alone Yogi Bear John K specials. This one was 30 minutes long. The Ranger Smith short was a brief 7 minutes; I’m guessing they aired a couple Capt. Lingers or something to fill time.

This one is about Boo Boo reverting to his feral nature and causing BIIIIG problems! This special would later go on to be kind of a weird trolling thing Adult Swim would do where they aired it every Sunday for a few months, even promoting regularly. This was like 2006, I think? They’d also air it as part of April Fools. Is that Adult Swim admitting this special sorta sucks? Does it sorta suck? Again, I liked these at the time and REFUSED to actively rewatch these for this write-up. Sorry.

The Jetsons: Father and Son Day/The Best Son | March 10th, 2002 11:45PM (Originally aired on CartoonNetwork.com in 2001) Our John K rock block ends with a pair of Jetsons shorts, Father and Son Day and The Best Son respectively. This is kinda the same deal as his Yogi Bear shorts, but these were exclusive for Cartoon Network’s website. I remember watching them on there. They are as bad as you’d expect late-period John K internet shorts to be, though the second short is a superior version of Spielberg’s A.I. (in that it’s shorter).

Night of the Living Doo | March 17th, 2002 - 11:00PM (originally aired on Cartoon Network, 2001)

Night of the Living Doo originally aired as wraparound segments during a Halloween Scooby Doo marathon on Cartoon Network. It’s kinda like an episode of the Scooby Doo Movies, which shoehorned in a guest star each episode. Suddenly my man Dick Van Dyke be running a carnival and shit. That’s the Scooby Doo Movies. At the end of the night they played all the wraparound segments in one uninterrupted sitting, so the viewer could appreciate it as an actual full-on Scooby Doo episode. Night of the Living Doo functioned both as an extension of that series as well as a parody. The guests were Gary Coleman, David Cross, and the very cool band Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. It was all very self-deprecating and had jokes about the absurdity of Scooby Doo tropes. Well trod territory by this point, sure. But this is better than most irreverent Scooby Doo things. It didn’t hurt that I was a HUGE David Cross fan when this aired. Is this where I tell the stupid-ass story about getting mad at a message board guy for not liking David Cross? Sure. Okay, yeah. When this aired on Adult Swim a guy on Kon’s (hi Kon) message board posted something about not finding David Cross funny, shrugging that he didn’t get the hype. He cited this and his appearances in the Men in Black movies, and nothing else as proof for his lackluster comedy skills. It’s kinda like deeming Eddie Murphy as a bad comedian after watching Dr. Doolittle.

The point of this special is that David Cross is a little wooden and stilted, like in the old Scooby Doo Movies episodes. This poster revealed that he never heard David Cross’s stand-up or seen Mr. Show, explaining “I don’t watch puppet shows” A response that still baffles me to this day. Why Mr. Show isn’t a-- WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT? I’m not even sure if there was EVER a puppet on Mr. Show*. David wasn’t even a guest on Crank Yankers at this point! SO WHAT THE FUCK? To this day whenever mutual pals from that board get together and watch a movie or show and a puppet appears we make a joke about this guy. Good story? No? Fuck you.

Other stuff about this show: When it originally aired on Cartoon Network it was a little bit longer than the Adult Swim version. There’s a missing scene. I think it’s David trying to play an improv game with a mummy or something. At one point I had it on tape, but I’m not sure I kept it. Sorry.

*sorry to be coy here, but I do know of at least one puppet on Mr. Show, episode 204 there is brief footage of Grass Valley Greg putting on a puppet show for his staff. This CAN’T be the source of the confusion, can it? It’s literally like, 5 seconds.

MAIL BAG

This’ll teach me to skip a day cuz this really piled up. Thanks, guys. I love all the attention. It is my favorite thing.

I never really saw oblongs as something for the hot topic set. They had Invader Zim and Squee for that kind of shit. Oblongs feel like it was always directly targeting me: the shut-in comedy nerd who would appreciate will ferrell and the sklars being in a thing. Since they ended up doing the exact same show with Janeane Garofalo and David Cross a few years later it seems like that was the goal.

Yeah, I guess that also makes sense. There were a few elements that were kinda gothy but this show was mostly just Angus Oblong ahem, clowning around (puckering mouth to stifle laughter like Chris Elliott in Cabin Boy)

What are your thoughts on the other adult animation blocks of the past couple decades? Spike's notriously failed attempt. Animation Domination. Apparently Syfy has had their own going?

Spike was irredeemably bad. People think this shit is easy. Animation Domination is sorta legit, but it’s anchored by mostly crap. That ADHD thing was kinda good and underrated. Is that still going on? I wish I were more diligent about watching/recording that. Some of them bumpers were good. Also, we mustn’t forget MTV’s oddities. They were kinda the first cable network to court Adult Animation as their thing. They deserve some kind of credit for that. I’m sure they’re doing fine.

I'm having a nice big thing of spaghetti for dinner with some chicken parm? Jealous?

I’ve never had those are they good

What does Ephemera mean? Why is this happenening? Why aren't you talking about 10 Home Movies episodes in a row like a good boy.

In dude time, my friend. In dude time

What would be your Adult Swim dream come true?

Having a complete archive of Adult Swim blocks on a harddrive like Don Giller has with his Letterman archive. Even the commercials and shit. I know of a guy who was a regular taper of the entire block from night 1 but I’m not sure he kept up with it when they went nightly. I should ask him if he still has his tapes, huh?

That or they bring back the BUILD YOUR OWN DVD thing but with blu-rays and you can make your own bumps, which was a different thing they had. THEY SHOULD COMBINE THEM. And you can master it in SD if you wanna put 10 hours of stuff on a disk.

All this is archival bullshit dork shit. Real answer: Clay Croker comes back from the dead and every block is hosted by Space Ghost. That’d be it, right?

If anyone has genuine/better answers please write in with them I wanna keep this conversation going. ‘kay?

McDonalds reintroduces limited edition Adult Swim Toys. You can get them all (plus an extra to keep wrapped for collectors purposes) but you have to spend 20 dollars at McDonalds to grab them all. This is the last day of the promotion. You have to personally eat everything you buy but you can take it home. You can only buy one of each food item. What are you getting? I know the longer the mailbag message is the quicker you are inclined to give some glib remark but indulge this one for once.

Oh wow. I’m literally going to take this seriously. I’d roll in as breakfast was ending. Get myself a McChicken Biscuit and a Bacon Egg & Cheese McGriddle, hashbrowns and a Coffee. Gobble that knob on down. Wipe my mouth with a napkin. It’s lunchtime, bitch. Big Mac, Large Fries, BIG ass soda. You feel me, dude? Lemme tally up. Okay, probably need more. 20 piece nugget. Take that home cuz I’m probably gonna have to save some for dinner. That’s probably 20 bucks right there, especially if you go to the McDonalds on Burnside where all the menu items are more expensive because of the amount of security they have to hire (did you know that different McDonalds have different prices even in the same city? I didn’t until very recently). If this somehow doesn’t satisfy my price point I get a Vanilla shake and eat it anally DURING my BIG D squirt sesh, so it’ll spend as little time in my body as possible. Wait, do I get something for this? I might do this tomorrow just cuz. It sounds like a funky thing to do

Do you think you'll open an Adult Swim mueseum at some point? You seem to be the only steward of its history.

Unless I’m hired to by a large corporation, probably not. Also I don’t think I actually have much in the way of merch other than DVDs. I stopped being a DVD completist at some point around Freaknick The Musical. Oh, I never EVER bought a Robot Chicken DVD, EVER. I literally had a nightmare once that one appeared in my collection.

Hey! Please keep us abreast any time you put more of your garbage on eBay. Maybe you can put your wedding dress on there, you big girl.

Fucking sexist/trasphobic behavior.

Check out my eBay auctions I got season 18 of NCIS up there and some other things :)

The Ripping Friends blow chunks. I don't care if a rapist or the opposite of a rapist (a virgin who volunteers, lol) made it. It sucks a high hard one like when Ozzy banged the Cheiftan's Wife in that Black Sabbath TV Funhouse cartoon. Tell me more.

Tell you more?

Name one rap song you tolerate lol. You can't say anything by weird al or marky mark.

I guess I like the song the pest sings from the motion picture The Pest

Are there any good podcasts on adult swim?

The official one hosted by Matt Harrigan is good, but I’ve only bounced around on it. I don’t know if there’s any formal recap ones. I simply don’t know!

HE'S GIVING HIGH HARD ONE TO CHEIFTAN'S WIFE? UH OH!

Buddy, you are BANNED for LIFE from my MAIL BAG! You drive me CRAZY!

#adult swim #adultswim2021 #night of the living doo #boo boo runs wild #yogi bear #jetsons #ephemera

9 notes · View notes

phantomofthepairofdice · 3 years

Text

The Rosscars 2020

Wow. It’s that time of year again, only this time it’s different because it’s on a blog that no one will read! (hold for applause) Welcome to the first annual online publication for the Rosscars (hold for applause while the reader acknowledges how positively droll it is that I combined my name with “Oscars”). Who can forget such indelible Rosscar memories like when Steven Soderbergh surprised us all and won Best Director for Out of Sight or Bill Irwin’s beautiful speech upon winning Best Supporting Actor for Rachel Getting Married?! The Rosscars mean something different to everyone, but we all know that they mean quality choices made by a committee of one schmuck. This year’s Rosscars are bizarre because in an effort to be more like the Academy guidelines, film’s nominated have been released between January 1, 2020 and February 28, 2021. As usual, theatrical windows be damned, streamers are welcome. Of course, I have my gripes. I like categorizing movies by release year – specifically, when they become available to the plain old public like yours truly – not at festivals, limited runs in NYC and LA. Well, the Oscars are still weeks away and I feel like everybody wants to forget about last year and move onto this one that we’re already three months into - So here are my awards for the films, performers, and craftspeople that stood out in a pretty exceptional year for movies even though distribution was stranger than ever.

**A few caveats and guidelines to Rosscar newcomers (which I imagine is just a formality since we all know the Rosscars so well)**

The rules and categories are a little different around here. First, not every category is honored directly. That’s for a few reasons, chiefly that I don’t feel qualified to reward the technical categories properly – I suppose I should say that I feel less qualified to do so than the “above the line” categories. In keeping with the Academy standard, there are five nominees in each category, except for Best Picture, Best Non-Fiction/Documentary Feature, and Best Ensemble Cast which allow up to ten. Every category, save those three, will have the possibility of honorable mentions, because I want to highlight some things that just barely missed the cut. The narrowing down of a lot of these categories was awfully tough.

Nominees are listed alphabetically, and the winners are in bold and italics.

Also, it’s important to keep in mind that I couldn’t see everything (this isn’t a job and it’s still $20 to rent The Father, y’all) and that these are just the opinions of one (self-described) “bozo on the internet.” If you’re a reader and have different picks, feel free to share!

Special Commendations for some things that I want to recognize: • Ludwig Goransson for his Tenet score which is an absolute banger • The costumes of Emma. (Alexandra Byrne), Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom (Ann Roth), and Small Axe (Jaqueline Durran, Sinéad Kidao, and Lisa Duncan) all struck me as exceptional • Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross with their scores for both Soul and Mank. Crazy that Pixar is working with the guy who made “Closer” • The cinematography of Da 5 Bloods (Newton Thomas Sigel), First Cow (Christopher Blauvelt), Beanpole (Kseniya Sereda), and A White, White Day (Maria von Hausswolff)

The Rosscars red carpet was, as usual, a bizarre affair. People filed into the theater and it seemed like the only encounters were awkward ones. Vin Diesel showed up in character as Bloodshot, Aaron Sorkin started getting really verbose about what a lovely night it was, and it became clear that most of the celebrities in attendance didn’t read their invitations closely enough to realize that this was not, in fact, the Academy Awards.

Everyone’s seated, and the show is under way. After a medley about the nominees this year by Common and Seth McFarlane that was more corny but clever than it was funny, the first official category is here, and the presenter is none other than... Ross!

Best Supporting Actor:

1. Chadwick Boseman for Da 5 Bloods

2. Matthew Macfadyen for The Assistant

3. Jesse Plemmons for Judas and the Black Messiah

4. Paul Raci for Sound of Metal

5. Glynn Turman for Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

Honorable Mentions:

• Lucas Hedges for Let Them All Talk

• Orion Lee for First Cow

• Bill Murray for On the Rocks

Best Supporting Actress:

1. Vanessa Bayer for Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar

2. Candice Bergen for Let Them All Talk

3. Gina Rodriguez for Kajillionaire

4. Amanda Seyfried for Mank

5. Yuon Yuh-jung for Minari

Honorable Mentions:

• Jane Adams for She Dies Tomorrow

• Charin Alvarez for Saint Frances

• Talia Ryder for Never Rarely Sometimes Always

• Debra Winger for Kajillionaire

Everyone loves a montage. The audience gets comfortable in their seats as the video screens start to show a montage of some of the most famous moments from Hollywood’s most magical movies. Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers waltz, gliding across a dance floor like two hovering angels. There’s a clip of Leo declaring himself king of the world in Titanic, the flying bicycles in ET, Bogart stares longingly into Bacall’s eyes, and then there’s some scene where Tom Cruise rides a motorcycle from 2010′s Knight and Day. The audience all seems confused how that last one got in there. The John Williams music swells as little Kevin McAllister screams when puts on aftershave. We see clips of Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver, Carrie Fisher’s Princess Leia embrace Harrison Ford’s Han Solo, Bruce Lee smoothly declares that boards don’t hit back and... wait... was that a clip from Michel Gondry’s Green Hornet with Seth Rogen? And that’s a clip from What Happens in Vegas... Bad Teacher... Vanilla Sky... Shrek 2... Any Given Sunday... Everyone is flummoxed. The last clip fades out and a sole editing credit appears: Cameron Diaz. The lights come up and there’s some applause, but mostly confused murmurs.

The ceremony has had a bit of a misstep, but nothing it can’t recover from, especially as the next category is announced over the PA, and it looks like the presenter is... Ross!

Best Ensemble Cast:

1. Bacurau

2. Da 5 Bloods

3. Kajillionaire

4. Let Them All Talk

5. Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

6. Minari

7. Nomadland

8. Pieces of a Woman

9. Small Axe

Best Original Screenplay:

1. Danny Bilson and Paul Dameo & Spike Lee and Kevin Wilmott for Da 5 Bloods

2. Lee Isaac Chung for Minari

3. Brandon Cronenberg for Possessor

4. Sean Durkin for The Nest

5. Kleber Mendonça Filho and Juliano Dornelles for Bacurau

Honorable Mentions – a very difficult task to weed this down to five.

• Shaka King and Will Berson for Judas and the Black Messiah, from a story by Kenny and Keith Lucas

• Steve McQueen, Alastair Siddons, and Courttia Newland for Small Axe

• Kelly O'Sullivan for Saint Frances

• Thomas Vinterberg and Tobias Lindholm for Another Round

Best Actor:

1. Ben Affleck for The Way Back

2. Chadwick Boseman for Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

3. Delroy Lindo for Da 5 Bloods

4. John Magaro for First Cow

5. Mads Mikkelsen for Another Round

Honorable Mentions:

• Riz Ahmed for Sound of Metal

• John Boyega for Small Axe

• Daniel Kaluuya for Judas and the Black Messiah

• Hugh Jackman for Bad Education

• Ingvar Eggert Sigurðsson for A White, White Day

We have a break in the action and it looks like Darius Rucker has showed up to perform what he would have nominated for Best Original Song. The crowd is absolutely furious as he starts playing a song that apparently was in Trial of the Chicago Seven. An ocean of sonorous boos and curses overtakes the the once docile crowd. The Rock just ripped his chair from out of the ground. Jane Lynch somehow smuggled in a civil war era flintlock pistol that she’s now pointing at the stage! Suddenly, the crowd unifies around what started as a confident chant of one lone audience member - John C Reilly. It’s growing... Ja Ja Ding Dong, Ja Ja Ding Dong, Ja Ja Ding Dong - it’s like the macabre circus performers from Tod Browning’s Freaks, but instead of chanting “Gooble Gobble” they’re clearly pining for Darius to change his tune to the silly and delightful jam from Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga. Darius, scared for his life, leaves the stage, but here come Will Ferrell and Rachel McAdams to deliver the goods. Busy Philips and Michelle Williams burst into tears. Tom Hanks nods in approval. A segment saved by brave artists placating a toxic group of fans... we’ve just witnessed a live version of the Snyder Cut, folks.

Jack Nicholson seems completely unfazed, giving a thumbs up to the camera and blowing a kiss to the next presenter. Coming to the stage is... Ross... again...

Best Actress:

1. Jessie Buckley for i’m thinking of ending things

2. Carrie Coon for The Nest

3. Han Ye-ri for Minari

4. Sidney Flanagan for Never Rarely Sometimes Always

5. Vasilisa Perelygina for Beanpole

Honorable Mentions – these cuts were especially painful

• Haley Bennet for Swallow

• Morfydd Clark for Saint Maud

• Frances McDormand for Nomadland

• Christin Milioti for Palm Springs

• Geraldine Viswanathan for Bad Education

Best Adapted Screenplay:

1. Charlie Kaufman for i'm thinking of ending things from Iain Reed's novel

2. Sarah Gubbins for Shirley from Susan Scarf Merrell's novel

3. Kelly Reichardt and John Raymond for First Cow

4. Simon Rich for American Pickle from his short story "Sell Out"

5. Mike Makowsky for Bad Education from Robert Kolker's "The Bad Superintendent"

Best Non-Fiction/Documentary Feature:

1. Boys State

2. Collective

3. David Byrne’s American Utopia

4. Dick Johnson is Dead

5. Feels Good Man

6. In & Of Itself

7. The Painter and the Thief

8. Time

Jimmy Fallon has come out on stage to do a bit about the pandemic and watching movies at home. People are just absolutely not having it. He tries not to laugh at his own jokes while doing what I guess is technically a pretty good impression of Dr. Fauci interviewing James Corden as Martin Scorsese (the less said of this impression, the better) on what is or isn’t cinema. The bit doesn’t track and Fallon is absolutely tanking. The producers cut away from the stage to spare the viewers at home from this monstrosity. We see crowd shots of Millie Bobby Brown shaking her head in dismay, Colin Firth is simultaneously grimacing and trying to stave off laughter, Cynthia Erivo is texting, and director Tom Hooper is taking notes for his next film. Corden yells, “Carpool Karaoke! Remember?!” Ron Howard has fainted. This thing is almost completely off the rails.

Coming back to the stage is the next presenter, a clearly embarrassed... Ross! He’s in a total flop sweat, but stumbles his way through a joke about how Fallon should try co-hosting the Oscars with James Franco sometime. There are scant chuckles throughout a crowd that mostly just wants to see who won and go home.

Best Director:

1. Christopher Nolan for Tenet

2. Spike Lee for Da 5 Bloods

3. Steve McQueen for Small Axe

4. Kelly Reichardt for First Cow

5. Chloé Zhao for Nomadland

Honorable Mentions:

• Kitty Green for The Assistant

• Eliza Hittman for Never Rarely Sometimes Always

• Charlie Kaufman for i'm thinking of ending things

• Thomas Vinterberg for Another Round

Best Picture

1. Bacurau

2. Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar

3. Da 5 Bloods

4. First Cow

5. i'm thinking of ending things

6. Judas and the Black Messiah

7. Never Rarely Sometimes Always

8. Nomadland

9. Small Axe

10. Tenet

Accepting the award for best picture is none other than Eve, the cow actor who played the titular First Cow! The audience is enamored with how graceful she looks in her cow gown, and her speech, though indecipherable, is likely simple, observational, and deeply profound for those who speak cow.

Wow, what a ceremony! Hearts were broken, property was damaged, dreams were fulfilled... blood was shed? Damn it, Meryl Streep came in and mugged Charlie Kaufman before absconding with the trophy. Oddly, she’s a previous winner, so the attack isn’t out of need for hardware. People are reading through articles about production on Adaptation for potential motives. Streep made time for a photo opportunity, but remains at large.

I could go on ad infinitum about all of these nominees and winners themselves and why they did or didn’t make the cut, but that’d be better served in a different piece. For now, my thoughts on most of these can be found on the Best of 2020 write-up and over on my Letterboxd. And, as always, these awards can be revoked and redistributed at will, so don’t get too cozy with that statue, Danny Bilson!

On behalf of the RAOGL (Rosscars Association of One Guy at a Laptop), thanks for reading, and stay tuned as we’re establishing a tip line for anyone has seen Ms. Streep or her stolen valor Rosscar. We’ll see you next year. Keep watching movies, and keep arbitrarily quantifying them in terms of subjective quality!

#awards #movies #film #Rosscars

4 notes · View notes

tabloidtoc · 4 years

Text

Globe, October 12

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Devil cult burns JonBenet Ramsey’s grave

Page 2: Up Front & Personal -- Kaley Cuoco and her dog in a stroller in New York City, Donatella Versace off the coast of Italy, Johnny Depp gets a gander at fans in Spain

Page 3: Jude Law jogging in London, Mama June Shannon gets her roots dyed, Jon Stewart lends his voice to support U.S. military vets in Washington, D.C.

Page 4: Man-hungry Kathie Lee Gifford has a mad crush on Craig Ferguson but he’s married and since she’s isn’t about to be a homewrecker instead she cast him to play her kissy-huggy love interest in Then Came You a flick she penned and released a couple weeks back

Page 5: Tyra Banks has turned Dancing with the Stars into a miserable sweatshop behind the scenes -- Tyra is not only the host but an executive producer and she takes that title seriously and even with all these big personalities and egos Tyra wants it to run like a military operation which was how she did things on America’s Next Top Model -- Carrie Ann Inaba is seething and Bruno Tonioli is revolted and Derek Hough is huffing with displeasure, Chris Rock revealed he’s in therapy seven hours a week after being diagnosed with nonverbal learning disorder meaning he doesn’t understand nonverbal signals when talking to people

Page 6: Fierce fights during lockdown have shredded strong-willed sweethearts Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell’s 37-year love in -- Goldie and Kurt recently had their worst-ever clash which led them to axe plans to finally get hitched this winter, you’d think filming Elf would have been a ho-ho time but bad blood between star Will Ferrell and writer-director Jon Favreau killed plans for a sequel

Page 7: Shocked by the frighteningly gaunt and frail appearance of Bob Newhart friends of the hard-working star fear he’s working himself into his grave

Page 8: Queen Elizabeth’s personal wealth is estimated at $450 million but she could wind up in the poor house because most of her wealth is locked in her two sprawling country estates which cost a king’s ransom to run: Sandringham and Balmoral

Page 9: Prince Harry is sporting a choppy-sloppy short-cropped haircut that makes him look like a pauper apparently given to him by his wife Meghan Markle

Page 10: Kirstie Alley has been firing herself into a frenzy about everything these days from her weight to world affairs and her yo-yoing antics are driving friends batty and she’s also becoming more of a recluse

Page 11: Joan Collins claims she was haunted by her sister Jackie Collins after the novelist died from breast cancer in 2015 -- Joan recalls upon learning her little sis had passed away the electricity went out putting her and husband Percy Gibson in the dark, country music legend Willie Nelson admits to being far from a model husband in his no-holds-barred new book -- the four-time married Willie admits to cheating and says his wandering ways were too much for any woman to put up with

Page 12: Celebrity Buzz -- Gabourey Sidibe (picture), Lisa Rinna laughingly brushes off claims that her husband Harry Hamlin had a steamy 2018 affair near their Canadian getaway home, Jane Fonda believes in ghosts because she’s seen the ghost of her mother who committed suicide when Jane was 12, Kim Cattrall is still hot and heavy for her British boyfriend of four years Russell Thomas and the two start each day with a cup of tea, not even two weeks after testing positive for COVID-19 Robert Pattinson dropped his mask at a London park to kiss girlfriend Suki Waterhouse even though production on his big-budget flick The Batman was thrown into a tailspin when Rob tested positive for the virus

Page 13: David Harbour grabs a bite in NYC (picture), Rebecca Gayheart runs errands in Beverly Hills (picture), Michael O’Keefe of Caddyshack plays a real-life caddie on Long Island to raise money for charity (picture), Tiffany Haddish isn’t joking when she says she tried for years to be on The People’s Court

Page 14: The People’s Court’s judge Marilyn Milian enjoys filming her show from her Miami living room where she sees litigants testifying from their homes via remote and she can see how they live, it’s a true kiss and tell by Adam Levine who’s getting loose-lipped about a wet wild kiss he shared with the late Kelly Preston in the music video for Maroon 5′s hit She Will Be Loved, Fashion Verdict -- Gabrielle Haugh 3/10, Paris Hilton 2/10, Keira Knightley 5/10, Tilda Swinton 7/10, Janelle Monae 9/10

Page 16: Leah McSweeney of The Real Housewives of New York City is sporting black eyes after getting a nose job, Storage Wars star Rene Nezhoda bought a storage locker abandoned by Daniel Baldwin that houses $2500 worth of model trains

Page 17: The coronavirus plague, natural disasters, the stock market crash, civil unrest, raging wildfires and gruesome death are all signs we are now living in the biblical End Times as predicted by Edgar Cayce and Grigori Rasputin and Nostradamus

Page 19: 10 Things You Don’t Know About Drew Barrymore, Wendy Williams has come clean about using binoculars to get an eyeful of the naked dude next door in the shower, The Real Housewives of Potomac star Ashley Darby dishes that she and husband have engaged in threesomes

Page 20: American Justice -- dentist Seth Lockhart jailed for yanking a patient’s tooth while riding a hoverboard among other crimes, it’s game over for a deputy sheriff Pasquale Salas from Texas who was convicted of grooming and exploiting young girls he met while playing Minecraft with them online

Page 21: Blake Lively is fed up with husband Ryan Reynolds’ juvenile practical jokes and she’s ordering him to knock it off and after years of putting up with ridiculous Ryan’s weird pranks her nerves have been rubbed raw since COVID lockdown, dog lover Jon Hamm handed a twice-rejected rescue pup a new leash on life and now the pooch Splash is turning him to mush

Page 23: NeNe Leakes won’t be returning to The Real Housewives of Atlanta after a tumultuous season 12 which saw NeNe feuding with most of the cast, Lady Gaga claims superstardom helped feed her deep dark depression and she was terrified to leave the house and she was often catatonic and says she’d sit outside and spend hours chain-smoking and crying, the $6 crown that Notorious B.I.G. wore in his final photoshoot sold at auction for $594,750

Page 24: Cover Story -- JonBenet Ramsey’s family is facing new horror after the murdered child’s grave was defiled in a shocking incident investigators fear is linked to Satanic rituals

Page 26: Health Report -- anxiety linked to thyroid problems

Page 36: Lindsay Lohan has pulled a vanishing act while begging pals for much-needed cash -- she’s been living out of a suitcase for years and very few people know how to get hold of her or where she is -- now a high-profile book publisher has sued her after forking over $365,000 for a tell-all that she failed to complete so she’s hitting up all the big contacts she can and the word is she’s running on empty

Page 38: Real Life -- Alzheimer’s stricken granny’s home of 50 years was seized by cold-hearted bureaucrats because she owed a paltry six cents in back taxes

Page 44: Straight Talk -- we’re tired of scripted reality shows

Page 45: Just months after the deaths of Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna his mother-in-law Sofia Laine says a shocking rift has shredded the close relationship she had with her daughter and Kobe’s widow Vanessa Bryant, Tom Petty’s kin have ended their feud that got so petty they sued each other over salad dressing and now the clan’s uniting to re-release his legendary 1994 album Wildflowers which was almost scrapped due to nasty infighting between Tom’s widow Dana and the grown-up daughters Adria and Annakim from his first marriage

Page 47: Hollywood Flashback -- Jeff Goldblum as Tricycle Man in Robert Altman’s Nashville, Bizarre But True

2 notes · View notes

tedddylupin · 5 years

Text

merry christmas you filthy animal

When Alex draws Henry's name for Secret Santa he realizes he knows nothing about him so of course he takes the week to gather information while also giving him an education on Christmas movies that he was never able to watch growing up.

Notes: This goes out to the lovely Chelsea for the Holiday Exchange on the RWRB discord!! I hope you enjoy it as much as I had writing it!

Read on AO3

“Okay so tell me why we’re doing this again? And why is he here?” Alex whispered to June and she looked back at Henry who was standing with Pez and Nora.

“Because we needed and even number and Pez says he’s cool alright? We’ve been out with him a few times and yeah he’s quiet but he’s fun. Plus he’s Bea’s brother so obviously he’s gotta be cool.” June rolled her eyes.

“Well I’ve never been out with him more than like twice.” Alex muttered.

“That’s because you’re a lil bitch who says no if you have to drive somewhere in the dark.”

“Excuse me for not having the extra money to go get my eyes checked June.” Alex pursed his lips.

“Oh my god.” She said mostly to herself before clapping her hands. “Alright, alright gather round. Time to pick Secret Santa.” She held out a Santa hat that held little slips of paper and shook it slightly. “The only rule is you can’t get yourself.”

“I would be the best gift giver for myself.” Alex said and June rolled her eyes again.

She went around and everyone drew a name, leaving Alex with the last slip. He took it and unfolded it.

Henry

“Everyone’s work for them?” June asked and everyone nodded before she looked at Alex. “Alex?”

“Um…” He said before June let out an exasperated sound.

“Did you draw yourself?”

“No but-”

“Then good, everyone’s works. Now you have two weeks to get a gift for our next dinner night and make sure not to tell people what you got for them or reveal who your person’s name is.” June smiled brightly.

“Can we eat now?” Nora raised her hand.

“Yes, let’s fucking eat.” Pez slapped his hands together and rubbed them quickly.

Everyone gathered into the kitchen except Alex who hung back after noticing Henry was too.

“You not eating?” He asked, sidling up to the annoyingly taller man.

“I am, I just figured I’d let everyone else get some first. I’m not super hungry.” Henry shrugged and gave him a smile that Alex wanted to narrow his eyes at but in the spirit of Christmas, he did not.

“Big lunch?”

“Yeah,” Henry didn’t offer anything home.

“Uh huh...right well I’m gonna eat.” Alex finally did narrow his eyes for a moment before brightening, and then he pushed forward. He grabbed a few slices of the pizza and sat down on the floor in front of the TV, leaving the couch for the girls. He looked up when Henry sat down next to him against the chair that Pez had occupied.

“Everyone shut the fuck up and watch.” Nora interrupted the chatter and pressed play on the classic Jim Carrey version of the Grinch. The only one that Alex would acknowledge.

During the movie Alex kept looking over at Henry who was enraptured.

“You look like you’ve never seen this before.” He whispered to Henry at the peril of getting slapped upside the head by Nora.

“That’s because I haven’t.” Henry whispered back, leaning toward Alex but not taking his eyes off the TV.

“The fuck? Are you serious?” Alex’s voice rose and then he did get that slap upside the head. “Sorry, but Henry just casually mentioned he’s never seen this movie before.”

Everyone gasped and Henry shrugged self-consciously. “We didn’t watch a lot of Christmas movies growing up.”

Bea nodded in agreement. “It’s true.”

“Fucking hell, alright well you’re going to have an intervention this week after work.” Alex poked Henry hard on the bicep and the man protested only slightly in pain before nodding his agreement.

“Getting in your fingers I see. Pray tell who did you get for Secret Santa Alex?” June caught him after the movie as they were throwing away the trash.

“You know I don’t go easy on Secret Santa June. I gotta get intel and this is the best way to do it.” Alex whispered back. He stuck out his tongue when June annoyingly gave him a knowing look but said nothing.

So Alex texted Henry the next day and of course the man showed up punctual as ever. It was almost suspicious how on time he was. Then again, Alex was known for showing up exactly ten minutes late to have the perfect air of ‘yes I want to be here but I want you to acknowledge me when I walk through the door’.

“Hey man.” Alex opened the door to where Henry was standing, admiring the wreath that Nora had made him.

“Hello.” Henry brightened and stepped inside as Alex moved to let him in. Henry slipped off his knit hat and ran a hand through his hair that had become mussed underneath it. It was annoying how attractive that was but Alex had always had a bit of a kink for knit hats and messy hair so he ignored it.

“I’d thought we’d watch Elf today. You haven’t seen that one right?” Alex began to talk over his shoulder as he walked into the living room, assuming Henry would close the door behind him and follow suit.

“Er, no, I haven’t.” Henry said as he quickly got the hint judging by the way Alex could hear the door shut and quickened footsteps.

“Good, because we only have two weeks to catch you up.” Alex turned quickly in the ball of his foot like a drill sergeant and Henry had to stop himself abruptly so he wouldn’t crash into Alex.

“Sir yes sir.” Henry saluted and Alex snickered.

“Please never do that ever again.”

“Yeah it felt wrong as soon as I did it.”

The two settled down on the couch and began to watch Will Ferrell as the most wholesome elf. Alex wondered if Henry would be a bit like Buddy if he was an elf. He found himself studying the man more than actually watching the movie but he reasoned that this was because he needed to figure out what Henry would actually want as a gift. He could mark knit hat off the list because obviously Henry already owned one.

“So are you a big drinker? I only ask because if we’re going to do all these movies in such a short amount of time it would be nice to have some alcohol to go with it right?” Alex mused, mostly poking at Henry’s interests. A bottle of wine would be a nice gift.

“Nah I’m not really a bit drinker. Usually just special occasions and not during the work week. I honestly think I might be allergic to alcohol but it’s worth it for big events.” Henry said, not looking at Alex, instead watching the movie.

“Oh alright then.” Alex said though inside he was grumbling to himself.

Soon the movie ended and they both stood up.

“This time tomorrow?” Henry asked as he pulled on his jacket followed by his knit hat.

“Yup, I’ll be treating you to a holiday classic set in your home country.” Alex grinned.

“I can’t wait for them to butcher my culture.” Henry grinned back before waving goodbye, leaving Alex alone at the door wondering where this personality came from.

Perhaps he had written Henry off too quickly but the two times he had hung out with him before in the group his voice had gotten talked over. Perhaps the man was just more of a listener unless he was the sole focus. Alex couldn’t comprehend that. He much preferred to be the center of attention. Still, he could respect Henry a bit more now. Even if he could be a bit of a bore in a crowd.

“So the movie is Love Actually and you will actually love it.” Alex said as Henry walked in the next day.

“Ba dum tiss.” Henry responded quickly, hands making the drum motions.

“I know, I know, I’ll be here all week.” Alex grinned over his shoulder.

Henry sat down on the couch on one end with Alex on the other. Yet again Alex found himself watching Henry more than the movie. He had to laugh every time Henry scoff indignantly.

“This is terrible. Poor Emma Thompson. She is a national treasure!” Henry moaned as he put his head in his hands while poor Emma listened to Jodie Mitchell.

Alex snickered. “Earlier I lied. You definitely will not enjoy this movie. The whole poster scene? Terrible.”

“This is evil of you.” Henry frowned.

“Don’t worry, tomorrow’s movie will be much better and will also be set in your country.” Alex grinned as they idled by the door.

“Right, well. Tomorrow’s Friday. Do you want to include some alcohol this time?” Henry asked a little nervously.

“I thought you said you didn’t do alcohol.”

“Well this is a special occasion right? An actually good Christmas movie set in my country unless you’re trying to pull my leg again.” Henry narrowed his eyes in a warning.

Alex held up his hands. “I pinky promise, this one is great. What sort of alcohol do you like?”

“I’ll bring the wine. Nora keeps trying to give me wine and I keep saying yes because I feel bad and don’t know how to tell her to stop.”

“Well shit, bring it all over. Free wine for me.” Alex laughed and Henry grinned and Alex was left with the sneaky thought that Henry didn’t smile that smile just for anyone, otherwise the room would be lit up all the time.

Alex found himself surfing the internet at work the next day trying to figure out a good Secret Santa gift for Henry. He now knew that Henry had a dog named David but David didn’t like treats and it did feel rather wrong to get a human a dog present. He also knew that Henry was a Star Wars fan but hated collectibles because they were too lame and he apparently hated clutter.

He let out an annoyed groan and clicked out of the tab. Whatever. Whatever right? He would get something lame and cheap and call it good.

He gritted his teeth.

No, he was not one to go cheap. He was an excellent gift giver and he was going to make it extra special dammit.

Henry stepped into the apartment that night easily carrying at least five bottles of wine. “I felt like a lush strolling up with all these in my arms.” He said as he carefully set the wine down.

“Nora has good taste.” Alex said appreciatively as he got the wine opener and opened a bottle of pinot noir. “You’ll like this one I think. Not too dry but not too sweet either.”

“The Goldilocks of wine if you will.” Henry said as he took the glass from Alex.

“Exactly my friend.” Alex clinked his glass together and then brought the bottle out to the living room. The Holiday was already cued up as they sat down on the couch together.

“Oh that is definitely not Surrey. Maybe outskirts of Surrey but not Surrey.” Henry scoffed as they watched the movie. Alex giggled, his cheeks warm from the wine. He was already a glass and a half in with Henry keeping time with him.

“So indignant.”

“Whatever, at least Jude Law is very nice to look at.” Henry sighed. “Now he’s a national treasure.”

“What about Kate Winslet?” Alex frowned.

“Nope, can’t do it. She’s pretty yes, but her in real life? Not good.” Henry shook his head. “Jude Law is still just as handsome. I could get lost in his blue eyes.”

“Him and Cameron would have amazing blue eyed children.” Alex nodded. He had somehow sunk down into the couch, Henry much closer this night as they kept getting up to get more wine and moving closer each time.

“Yeah I suppose.” Henry murmured. “Do you think Jude’s attractive?”

Alex was silent for a moment. He didn’t know Henry that well. Not really anyways. Nora and June knew he was bisexual but he had never told Pez and Bea and definitely not Henry. He wondered if this was a prod from Henry to see if he was attracted to men. He supposed if Henry was going to stick around what did it hurt?

“He’s oozing sexiness. If there was any instance I could kiss Jude Law with that tan and that slightly curly hair I would do it in a heartbeat.” Alex said with confidence, looking over at Henry who brightened at his words.

“Ditto on that one.”

Huh. Interesting.

“I don’t think I can move. The room’s spinning.” Henry groaned when the movie was over.

“You wanna crash here for the night?” Alex asked, his own words slurring a bit. They had gone through two bottles of wine and both were feeling it.

“You don’t mind?”

“Nah, better than you getting yourself hurt trying to get home.” Alex waved him off. “I’ll get some blankets, you can take the couch. You aren’t going to throw up are you?”

“A lady never throws up.” Henry frowned, his face scrunched up in the cutest little way and Alex was a bit floored by it.

“I’ll bring you a trashcan. You don’t much look like a lady.”

“Rude. I would never put out on the first date.” Henry closed his eyes.

“Oh is this a date then?” Alex said, amused.

“Obviously you haven’t been paying attention.” Henry murmured and then promptly fell asleep. Alex watched him for a moment and even in his slightly drunken haze he wondered what it would be like to actually go on a date with Henry. He was kind and funny and much more interesting than he had originally given him credit for.

He sucked in a breath and forced himself to move away, only to come back and spread a blanket across Henry’s sleeping body and to set a trashcan by the man’s head. He reached out, fingers itching to brush back the blonde locks but he caught himself in time, pulling back and quickly exiting the room.

It was only when he was back in the safety of his bedroom did he let himself let go of the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and closed his eyes.

He was drunk. It was fine.

“What’s this? Breakfast in bed?” Henry mumbled as Alex plopped on the couch next to him, holding a mug of coffee in one hand and a mug of tea in the other.

“Don’t think you’re special. I don’t actually own a table so the couch is all I got. Hope you like chai tea because it’s either that or coffee.”

Henry wrinkled his nose at the mention of chai tea and Alex gave him a warning look. “Chai is fine.” He quickly said as he sat up only to groan and grab his head.

Alex pulled out a couple of tylenol out of his pocket and set it on the coffee table. “Got you those too.”

“Bless you.” Henry muttered as he knocked them back with a sip of the tea. “I should probably go.”

“Excuse you, we are having a movie marathon whilst you attempt to recover from...this.” Alex gestured vaguely towards Henry who narrowed his eyes.

“If I couldn’t hear my pulse pounding in my head right now you’d be getting a lecture.” Henry frowned and Alex only laughed.

He hit play on Christmas Vacation and settled back into the couch to watch the Griswolds totally fuck up their Christmas with some slapstick humor that even got Henry laughing even though he winced right after doing said laughing.

He followed that with The Santa Clause, one of his favorites.

“It’s great because Scott Calvin is honestly the worst but he quickly becomes the best.” Alex explained with a knowing look. He and Henry were eating Chinese food, something Henry had actually requested despite Alex’s surprise.

“Isn’t that how all Christmas movies go?” Henry asked, mouth full of lo mein.

“Quite possibly. You might be onto something there.” Alex pointed at Henry with his chopsticks and grinned.

They continued on with The Santa Clause 2 and then ended the night with Home Alone.

“I still can’t believe you haven’t seen any of these very iconic movies. They get referenced even outside the holiday season.” Alex said, his voice muffled from the pillow that his head was resting on. Henry and him were both lying on opposite ends of the couch, their legs meeting in the middle.

“Call me a sheltered child I guess. Christmas was never a big holiday in my house. My family isn’t like yours. I only really like Bea and Pez just kinda happened along the way.” Henry shrugged, his voice muffled as well.

Alex studied Henry for a long moment. “You know, you’re different than what I expected.”

Henry looked back at Alex. “Oh yeah? How so?”

Alex scooted up a bit on the couch so that he was sitting up. “I thought you were this prissy private school Englishman who didn’t give the time of day to people that you didn’t grow up around.”

Henry sat up as well. “Did you really? I’m definitely not that.”

“Well I know that now. You’re much cooler than people give you credit for. I think you’re just shy. In your defense though I’m way too loud for people most of the time. I can be a lot.” Alex shrugged.

Henry pulled his knees to his chest and leaned his head on the top of them. “I will admit I did think that when I first met you. You’re intimidating.”

“And now?”

Henry tilted his head a bit, his blonde hair falling over his forehead. “Now that I know you’re a giant nerd you’re much less intimidating.”

Alex let out a bark of laughter and hit Henry with his pillow who of course had to hit back with his own pillow. The continued the pillow fight until Alex was suddenly pinned under Henry and they were both laughing and breathing hard and Alex was left with a pang in his chest.

He cleared his throat and Henry sat back, letting him go.

“I should probably get going.” Henry said, standing up quickly.

Alex stood as well. “Well this was fun. I’m down for doing another movie marathon soon. It doesn’t even have to be a Christmas one.” He said, somewhat shyly.

Henry shrugged into his coat and pulled on his knit cap. “Yeah it was fun. I don’t think I can come over until Tuesday though. Unless my education in Christmas movies is finished?”

“Oh no, we have two more to go.” Alex shook his head and Henry gave him a soft smile.

“Right, Tuesday then.”

And then he was gone and Alex was left alone with his thoughts and still wracking his brain for a Secret Santa gift.

“Alright so what’s this one then?” Henry asked as he sat down on the couch without being offered.

“A Christmas Story.” Alex said as he handed Henry a mug of actual Earl Grey that he had actually gone out to buy.

“Wow, what a lovely gift, thank you.” Henry grinned as he took a sip. Alex had his own chai and they settled in to watch the movie. Of course Alex fell asleep towards the end, work having kicked his ass this week.

He felt someone lightly tapping his shoulder and he let out a noise of annoyance.

“Alex?”

“Hm?” He asked, sleepily opening his eyes.

Henry was standing over him with his coat on. “I’m going to head out. See you tomorrow for our last movie?”

“Oh, yeah okay. Sorry I fell asleep.” He rubbed his eyes and sat up.

“It’s okay, you didn’t snore hardly at all.” Henry gave him a cheeky grin and Alex swatted him.

“Shut up.”

“See ya.”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow Hen.” He murmured. He didn’t even notice Henry freezing at the nickname.

When Henry came the next day Alex gestured him inside.

“Oh wow, you went all out huh?” Henry slipped off his knit cap and looked at the set up. There was tea along with a charcuterie board and a platter of cookies.

“Gotta celebrate you becoming a man!” Alex laughed and Henry rolled his eyes as he sat down on the couch. Alex sat down next to him.

“Okay this last one is an all time classic and it’s a little sad in the middle but it’s got a good ending.” Alex explained as Henry stole a sugar cookie. He hit play on It’s a Wonderful Life and began to pile his paper plate (because he was cheap and didn’t own more than two actual plates which were dirty) with meats and cheeses and sweets.

Henry did the same and then they both sat back and took in the black and white classic.

When the credits started to roll Alex turned towards Henry. “So?”

“It was good. I do love old movies sometimes. They don’t make them like that anymore.” Henry said with a sigh of nostalgia.

“Nope, they sure don’t.” Alex agreed. “I’m a little sad that your education is over though.”

“You know you’ll see me tomorrow for the Secret Santa right?” Henry smirked at him and Alex looked down, picking at a loose thread on the blanket.

“Yeah, I know, but I did like having you over every night.”

Henry gave him a slow smile. “You did?”

“Yeah.” Alex shrugged. “Guess that just means you’ll have to educate me on something.”

“Have you ever seen Lord of the Rings?”

“Nope.” Alex grinned while Henry let out a wounded noise.

“Alright, after the holidays we’re watching that first thing.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Alex nodded.

Henry left shortly after, taking a bag of cookies with him. He knew he would see the man the next day but it still felt sad watching Henry keep going out that door.

The next night he dressed up as per June’s slightly scary voicemail. He walked into June and Nora’s apartment with his platter of cookies and found that he was the last one to arrive.

“Fucking finally mate!” Pez called out and everyone turned to witness his walk of shame.

“I hit every red light okay?” He protested.

“Likely story.” Henry grinned and Alex couldn’t help the way his face brightened when he saw the man walk into the room. “More cookies?”

“Yup, more cookies. Since that’s basically all I can bake.” He shrugged and Henry laughed.

“Better than me, I assure you.”

Alex gave him a soft smile before June, Nora, and Bea interrupted.

“Are those the peanut butter cookies?” June asked as she peered over the tray.

“Oh hell yes.” Nora swiped the tray out of Alex’s hands, ignoring his sounds of protest.

“Before we eat though, we’re going to do Secret Santa so everyone grab your gifts.” June clapped her hands together and Alex was starting to get nervous.

He watched as everyone handed over their gift. Pez got June and gave her a beautiful necklace that was way over the budget. Nora got Bea and gave her a cheese tray with a little knife to go with it. June got Alex who gave him a nice silk tie ‘to match his eyes’ as she explained. Henry got Pez and gave him two tumblers which also looked outside the budget. Bea got Nora and gave her a new headset for her gaming.

“Did everyone get their gift?” June asked.

Alex could feel Henry’s eyes on him.

“Yep.” Henry said and Alex turned towards him quickly. “Later.” He mouthed to Alex who nodded.

They got their food and the entire apartment was alive with laughter and talk and Christmas music in the background.

It was after that Alex brought Henry aside.

“I guess you figured out I got you for Secret Santa.” He said awkwardly, not looking into Henry’s eyes.

“Yes, I can do math.” Henry said with a wry smile. “Is that why you brought me over for movies these last two weeks?”

“Well, that’s how it started out, but after the first two days I found I just wanted to hang out with you but every time I tried to get intel on what you would want for a gift you kept saying things that would make it seem like you wouldn’t like what I was thinking for you and I didn’t want to give you some lame ass gift that would just collect dust and I-” Alex rambled until suddenly he was pulled forward and he felt lips against his own.

He let out a surprised noise and his eyes were open as Henry kissed him and then he melted into the kiss because A. Henry was a good kisser surprisingly and B. He had been wanting to do that himself but he was too chicken shit to do it.

Henry pulled back and Alex opened his eyes, not knowing when he had actually closed them.

“Uh...wow okay.” Alex started, rubbing the back of his neck.

“That’s your gift to me.” Henry said and Alex looked at him, confused. “I’ve been wanting to do that honestly since I first met you. You light up every room you’re in Alex and when you kept inviting me over for movies I felt like...well I had won a prize or something. I don’t care that you didn’t give me a physical gift because spending this time with you the last two weeks has been more than enough for me.”

Alex was left stunned. “Wait, really? You’ve thought that about me?”

Henry shrugged, a blush starting to form across his cheeks and the tips of his ears. “Well, yeah. I just didn’t think you were interested in guys so I didn’t say anything, but then you talked about kissing Jude Law-”

“Oh Jude Law.” Alex said dreamily.

“Hey, pay attention. Pouring my heart out here.” Henry snapped his fingers and Alex stood at attention and nodded. “Anyways, when you said that I thought I had a chance.”

Alex took a step closer and took Henry’s hands. “You definitely have more than a chance because I’ve been wanting to kiss you since you fell asleep on my couch and told me you don’t put out on the first date.” He grinned.

“Wait, shit, did I really say that?”

Alex nodded with a giant grin. “Yup. Now why don’t you ignore that and kiss me again.”

“Yes, let’s do that.”

Henry leaned down again for another kiss and Alex sighed into it, leaning his body into Henry who was so annoyingly tall but so well built to hold him up.

As he kissed Henry he heard the sounds of his friends around him and the faint whispers of music and he knew that this would be the first of many great Christmases to come.

#red white and royal blue #rwrb #rwrb fic #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #holiday exchange #i had so much fun writing this yall have no idea #yes this is a modern AU aka they aren't prince and fsotus #my writing

36 notes · View notes

thesportssoundoff · 5 years

Text

A Dumb Draft Exercise

It's a Friday night and we're all locked in so I decided to do something a touch different. I took the current NFL draft order and then looked up the last five NFL drafts (2015-2019) to see who was picked at spots. Using the teams as they stand after one long (and it feels it) week of free agency, I picked ONE player selected at that set position to try and do a retro draft. Each team picked ONE player picked over the last five years at that specific spot (so at 1 overall, you could only draft 1st overall). How different would your favorite team look? Welll.....

1. Cincinnati- QB Kyler Murray (2019)

The first round picks of the past five years consist of four QBs (Jameis Winston, Jared Goff, Baker Mayfield and Murray) alongside premiere edge rusher Myles Garrett. As is often the case with top pick QBs tasked with saving bad franchises, each becomes less and less attractive as the years go by and they hit the ceiling of "damn good but not quite franchise saver" over and over. I went with Murray because while I think Goff is vastly underrated by most fans, Murray's got the ability and personality to drastically change an organization that feels like it's been hankering for a chance over the past five years. Murray was one of the NFL's brightest stars last year and figures to only improve, especially if you put him under the watchful gaze of an offensive guru (of sorts) in Zac Taylor.

2. Washington- DE Nick Bosa (2019)

Was REALLY torn with Carson Wentz and Nick Bosa for the Redskins. There's a lot of dead-ish weight here with Mitch Trubisky and Marcus Mariota and while Saquon may be the best player in theory, no team needs to take a running back in the top 5 (or in the first round at all). Assuming the Redskins are truly comfortable with Dwayne Haskins then taking Nick Bosa and pairing him up in the front four along with the likes of Montez Sweat, Matt Ionidis and Daron Payne would probably be a formidable ass crew. Basically the Chase Young strategy.

3. Detroit- DE Joey Bosa (2016)

How about the Bosa Bros going back to back! One would assume tht if the Lions wanted a QB, they're GOING to have their pick of the proverbial litter on the back end. After all after Cincy, they'll have Tua, Herbert and Love at their disposal if taking a QB so amuses them. Instead operating under the belief that the Lions feel comfortable with Stafford for MAYBE one more year, it leaves us to choose from Joey Bosa, Solomon Thomas and Dante Fowler. Bosa is likely on his way to a multiple pro bowl career while Thomas may just grade out as average and Fowler is on his third team now. Easy choice if ya ask me.

4. NY Giants- WR Amari Cooper (2015)

The Giants would be picking from a variety of offensive players; two of which are current Dallas Cowboys. You have Amari Cooper, Zeke Elliott, Leonard Fournette on offense and then Denzel Ward at cornerback as pretty much your only other option. Give me Amari Cooper as he'd immediately step in and make an offense consisting of Daniel Jones, Barkley, Golden Tate and a two tight end threat of Evan Engram and Kaden Smith a pretty damn formidable one.

5. Miami- OLB Bradley Chubb (2018)

This WOULD be easy in theory. Cornerback Jalen Ramsey would've been a FINE choice here but the Dolphins have Xavien Howard and Byron Jones on the back end. With Jalen Ramsey out of the picture, you have an interesting linebacker in Devin White, a superb guard in Brandon Scherff and my selection Bradley Chubb. With so much locked in on the defense, Chubb (if healthy) steps in as an immediate premiere pass rusher. Barely edges out Brandon Scherff. BARELY.

6. LA Chargers- OG Quinton Nelson (2018)

Man! The Chargers would have their glut of talent to choose from if they so desired. Want an elite strong safety? Jamal Adams was picked 6th in 2018. Want a QB to groom and develop? Daniel Jones went here in 2019. If you want a flexible havoc inducing DL piece? Leonard Williams in 2015 went 6th overall. Ronnie Stanley is a pretty damn good tackle as well. Quinton Nelson is a top 3 guard in just two seasons and figures to continue to improve. It's not a premiere position for a lot of people but Nelson bucks the trend.

7. Carolina- QB Josh Allen (2018)

Funny bit? We have two Josh Allens here as Josh Allen from Wyoming and Josh Allen from Kentucky both went 7th overall. Both would be tremendous picks given the Panthers needs (an elite edge or a QB). Deforest Buckner finally hit on his potential and got paid paid for it as well, fitting in interestingly here as a potential flexible front line piece. The Panthers just paid Teddy Bridgewater relatively big time money but if you have the chance to take a really athletic strong armed QB who has shown strides in two seasons, you should do it. Imagine Allen throwing it to the likes of DJ Moore and Christian McCaffery.

8. Arizona- RB Christian McCaffery (2017)

THIS one was hard given the lack of obvious options. Do you need more receiving options? If so TE TJ Hockenson was picked 8th. Christian McCaffery is probably the best player at this spot but again, running backs and top 10s and etc etc etc. Nuke Hopkins, Larry Fitzgerald and Christian Kirk are on paper a superb trio of WRs and you also have Kenyan Drake at RB. Vic Beasley is a good pass rusher who has sort of lost his way as a player (hence the one year prove it deal). Give me McCaffery I guess. I think he'd do wonders in Kingbsury's offense and I suppose you can make he and Drake work together. That's why head coaches get paid.

9. Jacksonville- OT Mike McGlinchey (2018)

There's not a lot of obvious fits for a tanking team like the Jaguars. DT Ed Oliver would be intriguing but I have no idea how he fits in with the Jaguars defense. The likes of Leonard Floyd (recently released), Ereck Flowers (failed tackle turned kinda failed guard), John Ross (oft injured speedster) are other options. Lastly there's Mike McGlinchey who was starting at right tackle for the Super Bowl 49ers. The Jaguars have spent picks at both tackle spots but McGlinchey is better.

10. Cleveland- QB Patrick Mahomes (2017)

Fuck. Would the Browns even with Baker Mayfield flirt with taking Patrick Mahomes? Who cares. Mayfield can be traded. If you have the chance to grab the best QB in the NFL, you do it. Easy peasy.

11. NY Jets- CB Marshon Lattimore (2016)

This one came down to Lattimore or Minkah Fitzpatrick. Fitzpatrick can do so much across a secondary and his swiss army knife toolset was amplified in a Pittsburgh secondary that left to his devices where he could roam free and fuck shit up. On the other hand, Marshon Lattimore represents one of the NFL's rare commodities; a star shutdown cornerback. Plus with Marcus Maye and Jamal Adams tie up the safety spots pretty well.

12. Las Vegas- QB Deshaun Watson (2017)

The Raiders are openly flirtatious with moving on from Derek Carr. Deshaun Watson would step in and be a massive upgrade. There's also not much here either given how 90% of the players are DL and the Raiders have plenty of names and faces they like there. Maxx Crosby, Maliek Collins, John Hankins and Clelin Ferrell to name a few.

13. San Francisco f/IND- OG Laremy Tunsil (2016)

Take the 49ers OL with Joe Staley, Mike McGlinchey and Laken Tomlinson and then slide in Laremy Tunsil at RG. That's an absurd OL. There also weren't many options to really delve into either depending on how you feel about Da'Ron Payne and Vita Vea.

14. Tampa Bay- DE Marcus Davenport (2018)

Pick 14 over the past five years is a bit of a dry spell unfortunately. The best player on the list is DeVante Parker and the Bucs clearly have a collection of damn good WRs. Shaq Barrett and JPP are in place for 2020 but could the Bucs use Davenport as a third rusher and move him inside on pass rush downs. Not a lot of good ideas here unfortunately.

15. Denver- RB Melvin Gordon (2015)

Easy peasy! I mean Denver just signed him! That's a bit of a cheapie but let's keep with it. Gordon fitshere (and nobody else does).

16. Atlanta- LB Tremaine Edmunds (2018)

Edmunds with Deion Jones? Sign me up! The only other option that makes sense here is Marlon Humphrey at corner which would be an equally fine pick.

17. Dallas- S Derwin James (2018)

Given that Arik Armstead and John Allen would be 3-technique types in this defense, it makes sense we would ONCE again look at the safety market! Yay! The Cowboys scheme in 2018 apparently didn't like Derwin James as much as the media thought they did but this is a brand new scheme and a new way to play. Derwin James would edge out Keanu Neal (who BTW when healthy is an amazing safety) by virtue of being more of the chess piece the Cowboys need.

18. Miami f/PIT- C Ryan Kelly (2017)

Again there's a glut of corners here but the Dolphins have their fair share. As such, turn your attention over to a glut of centers---who they also just signed a guy for. Ryan Kelly is a pro bowl center though and you can make exceptions for that.

19. Las Vegas f/CHI- LB Leighton Vander-Esch (2018)

One of the better linebackers in the NFL prior to his neck injury, LVE was a friggin' elite athlete who could still redefine what NFL linebackers look like. His defensive coordinator is there as well (as the DL coach) and I bet Gruden would love his leadership and his ability as an off ball linebacker. This one is easy enough.

20. Jacksonville f/LAR- TE Noah Fant (2019)

The Jaguars are in the midst of a rebuild of sorts but unfortunately there's no immediate building block pieces at 20. It came down to Frank Ragnow (a versatile OL with upside) or Noah Fant and I opted for tight end Noah Fant since Minshew could use a reliable safety blanket. Assuming Fant can control his drops of course.

21. Philadelphia- WR Will Fuller (2016)

The Eagles could REALLY use some targets for Carson Wentz. Last year in clutch games they were relying on JJ Arceaga-Whiteside and Boston Scott for targets outside of their tight ends. Wouldn't have a problem going with FS Darnell Savage either who also went at 21.

22. Minnesota f/BUF- DE Bud Dupree (2015)

I don't know if the Vikings NEED an edge but even if they don't, there's really no options here. Josh Doctson was a flop in Washington, Charles Harris was a flop in Miami, Rashaan Evans plays the same spot as their glut of damn good linebackers and Andre Dillard is an unproven tackle for Philly to this point. Hit or miss here.

23. New England- Isaiah Wynn (2018)

I mean they drafted him here. Easy enough. Although would they take TE Evan Engram all things being equal?

24. New Orleans- WR DJ Moore (2018)

The Saints did grab Emmanuel Sanders but DJ Moore, Sanders and Michael Thomas is a whole different world of WR depth. There's also pretty much nobody else here worthy of snagging either.

25. Minnesota- WR Marquise Brown (2019)

HOLLYWOOD! The Vikings just traded away Stefon Diggs and could use an infusion of playmaker at their WR spot to help assist their TE room, Dalvin Cook and Adam Thielen. Marquise Brown would give Kirk Cousins a souped up version of Jamison Crowder; a WR-3 he relied heavily on in Washington.

26. Miami f/HOU- DE Montez Sweat (2019)

So the Dolphins have signed a lot of DE and we also gave them Bradley Chubb earlier BUT Montez Sweat is going to terrorize the NFL for the next 5-10 years and so he and Chubb combined? That's big time pass rush. Also, again, not much to really select from here either.

27. Seattle- CB Byron Jones (2015)

If you drew up a make and model for a Seahawks DB? It looks like Byron Jones. Byron just got paid big time money by Miami It's Byron vs Tre White and Byron fits the mold a bit better. Could also see Seattle liking Kenny Clark. Lots of good defensive players at 27.

28. Baltimore- OG Laken Tomlinson (2015)

Let Tomlinson battle it out with the interior OL the Ravens have currently. There's really not much here, it's either Tomlinson or DT Jerry Tillery.

29. Tennessee- TE David Njoku (2017)

Funny story, the 2016 1st round pick here was forfeited via deflategate. With just four names to choose from (and not really much to talk about either way), the Titans take David Njoku. Njoku has struggled with his role in Cleveland and the Titans do have some solid tight ends already in place but Njoku would be a pretty nice flier. Most of the guys here at 29 are just not good unless you're a Taven Bryan truther.

30. Green Bay- LB TJ Watt (2017)

And Cowboys fans across the globe shudder in horror. Yes, the Packers have two really good DEs in the Smith brothers. There's nobody else here who comes remotely close to the pure value TJ Watt has. Let him rush from the left side and rack up the sacks. You can figure it out somehow I figure. Let Preston Smith play 3-tech or something!

31. San Francisco- LB Reuben Foster (2017)

On one hand, the less said about Foster the better. On the other, there's really nobody else here who would come close. Unless you're a Germaine Ifedi fan?

32. Kansas City- DT Malcolm Brown (2015)

For any other team in any other league, this is Lamar Jackson. The Chiefs are really set at QB for the next 10-15 years so we'll have to take a pass. Instead Malcolm Brown is pretty much the only other really good value play. Big thumpy 1-tech/nose tackles are usually found later on in the draft but Brown is a good one and the Chiefs truthfully don't need much else either.

#NFL #Draft #Thought exercise #fuckin' around

2 notes · View notes

dukeofriven · 6 years

Text

Hussie, Hitler, And Boy I’m Tired

I said earlier that I didn’t want to put on my hip waders and muck about in the Homestuck tags. *pulls off hip waders* I went anyways. I went even though I was feeling pretty good because I had a nice dinner and got to watch the New Years Bake-Off special. I went anyways, and I did it for you, my eight followers who aren’t pornbots. It turns out the Homestuck fandom of Tumblr is as scary and hyperbolic as ever, and has taken one lousy bit of badly written crap and extrapolated that backwards into ‘Homestuck has always been a racist anti-semetic pile of garbage and everything about it is terrible and Andrew Hussie needs to die.” I’m not paraphrasing, by the way. Someone out there is chanting ‘die Andrew Hussie die,’ because he had the gall to... clumsily dunk on Hitler like a fifteen year old trying to impress his English teacher with edgy comedy? This new stuff is too dumb to be offensive, especially in an era with, y’know, Hitler-praising alt-right Neo Nazis actually being mainstream media figures. Hey Tumblr fandom? Can you... mm not chill, chill’s not the word I’m looking for what is it... oh yes. Can y’all fuck off for once?

Tumblr doesn’t deserve to enjoy things because it doesn’t know how to enjoy things responsibly. It lurches from adoration to hatred without pause, and as a writer it gives me nothing but an anxiety. I cannot produce anything imperfect, I cannot ever write crap because if I do then all my work will be tainted by it forever. On Tumblr you are always judged by your worst effort, which is a fucking god-awful standard for large media franchises of any kind. You know who one of the greatest, most thoughtful, socially-driven authors of the twentieth century was? Terry Pratchett. You know what’s kind of sexist and lazy and awful? The Colour of Magic. You know what’s weirdly colonialist and smug and all-around shit? Snuff! Neither of those shitty books invalidate the forty other Discworld novels. The existence of Anchorman’s bloviating nothingness doesn’t erase Will Ferrel’s warm and desperately human performance in Stranger Than Fiction. The Forced Kiss Equal Romance kiss in Blade Runner doesn’t erase the rest of the movie piercing question on the nature of what it means to be human. And on and on and on. Andrew Hussie’s sneeze-shart dogshit history rewrite that was so embarrassingly bad it got pulled from the internet didn’t erase Rose/Kanaya, or gay Dave, or Joey Claire tap-dancing her little heart out to try and defeat a monster. And even if Andrew Hussie does a JK Rowling and produces nothing but ill-thought-out crap from here until the day we all die in the great Disney Final Merger of 2023, it still won’t invalidate the good moments that made you happy. I mean if Andrew Hussie toddles out of retirement onto a talk show in a bathrobe to discuss his new revelations on the Puppetgrandmasters of Scion who all have worryingly Semetic names, I’m not going to be so naive as to pretend that his earlier media can be consumed in some kind of vacuum, that the future cannot affect the past. but I am saying that the good that happened in it - the things that affected you in positive ways - are not ethereal. It mattered to you then, and that’s okay. Tumblr’s hyperbolic responses seem to be rooted in embarrassment and self-flagellation. People seem so terrified by the thought that anyone might associate them as a fan of something - gasp - linked to controversy that they... well, they say shit like “die andrew hussie die.” Hey dude. Hey. You need to redirect that anger, my friend. There’s actual Neo-Nazis in the streets. On the TV. In the US government. I guess what I’m trying to say is... Woof. Okay. You know, to give Andrew Hussie partial credit here, its nice to see someone actually write Adolf Hitler the way he really was - a pant-shitting constantly whiny toddler of a human being who endlessly threw tantrums and got to where he was largely on the strength of other people’s bad decisions. Remember kids: the biggest myth Neo-Nazis have ever perpetrated is that Germany under Hitler was well-run, well-organized, and anything other than a collection of squabbling dysfunctional fiefdoms run by party hacks propped up by a bureaucracy and military too bound by inertia, ego, and cultural racism to do anything to stop a lunatic from ripping their country to shreds. That whole ‘trains running on time’ thing? It’s nonsense. Go study the conduct of the war once Germany had exhausted all its pre-war stockpiled resources and ran out of useful shit to loot, once it had to start relying on its leadership for the things that make wars winnable - supplies, reinforcements, fuel, winter clothing. Watch the way from 1942 onwards Germany stumbled from one disaster to the next, as Hitler fired more and more generals and drew more and more authority to himself and his fellow party cronies. Hitler should not be feared as a man of competence or skill - he was a buffoon, a clown of a human being fuelled entirely by petty, vindictive spite and an unlimited capacity for cruelty. And before anyone goes ‘well if he was so objectively pathetic how the fuck did he take over Germany’ I direct you to google the last two years of American politics and the words ‘Donald Fucking Trump.’ [I recommend, on these war subjects particularly, Sir Antony Beevor’s bleak and sobering works, particularly Stalingrad, Berlin: The Downfall 1945, and Ardennes 1944: Hitler's Last Gamble.] Sorry this... kind of got away from me somewhat, but I really hate it when people get mad that someone didn’t take Hitler seriously (and, to be strictly fair, this is not what everyone is mad about in regards to Andrew Hussie, either). You should never take Hitler seriously. Take hate seriously - take violent words, and calls for purity, take his ideas of superiority and racial preeminence and anti-semitism seriously as the evils, the horrors as they are. But the man himself? He literally stank - a combination of his halitosis, chronic flatulence, and was constant diarrhea. [I am not exaggerating] He was a sad pathetic clown, and Andrew Hussie chose to write him as such. He just... went too far. It happens. It’s not good writing. It’s fucking shit, to be honest. Boring shit. The Minions movie decided to have the Minions sit out the entirety of WWII by having them get stuck in a cave or some such. Honestly that’s a better option than what Andrew Hussie went with - and ‘be more like the Minions movie’ isn’t advice I give that often. You want to be disgruntled that an author wrote something this bafflingly tone deaf and tedious? Sure. I know I am. But to chant for his death? Are you fucking kidding me? Look! Look out your window at those marching Neo-Nazis trying to establish a white supremacist state? What the ever-loving fuck are you people doing in here getting ready to string-up a man whose crime was making Adolf Friggen Hitler too petty???????? Tumblr. Tumblr, for the love of god this has to stop. This ‘Ceasar’s wife must be above reproach’ shit has to stop - it’s killing fandom, it’s killing good media critique, it’s burying proportional fan response, and its just exhausting. Why can’t you ever just let something be lousy without it being literal death warrant? There’s real demons out there - I can see them out the window, and every time I turn on the TV. Maybe - just bloody maybe - not every single crime deserves the exact same level of disapprobation and punishment? Maybe we could read some content and say “boy that sure had some lousy implications and also was just really poorly written” and then... stop there? Wouldn’t that be nice, for a change? We could dislike something without feeling like it required activism on our part. We could say ‘this piece of media was shit, but it didn’t advocate for a white ethno-state, so I will continue to think of it only until the end of this sentence.’ I am not advocating for an end to media criticism for anything that isn’t openly hate speech (but if you think that I am I am going to assume you’re already so needlessly enraged about this whole matter that I’m a bit puzzled why you’ve bothered to read this far since its obvious we don’t agree on many fundamental issues.) What I am calling for is the end to death threats against people who don’t mean you harm. Because that’s lunacy. That’s beyond the pale, actually, that’s really disturbing and sickening and you should seriously reconsider your relationship with media. Because there are people out there who do want to hurt you. Their lives are fuelled by hate, their philosophies are driven by it, as are their politics. I assure you that when a time traveller steps through a portal trying to prevent the rise of ‘the great Trump War of 2020′ the inciting incident will not be ‘Andrew Hussie trivialized the holocaust by citing its origins as a grudge Adolf Hitler bore Albert Einstein over a rivalry in secret clown ninja school before being taken on as an agent of a baking-obsessed alien space witch and bumped into power by the Peters principle.’ Because just by writing that sentence I have already reaffirmed a very simple truth: this is way, way too stupid to give the slightest shit about. So let’s tell Andrew Hussie that his new work is... mmm.... kind of like a shit if a shit had a shit that was itself shat out by a shit and then vomited on by another shit who had eaten nothing but shit since Sunday. Let’s tel lhim “hey dude, your clownish work summoned the spectre of anti-semetism, and you can do better.” Frankly, I think that message was already sent, since in the two hours between me going to make and eat dinner and then coming back to my computer, the new material was discovered, read, disseminated, and removed. Two hours. Sure, maybe a bit of lag due to what does and does not hit my feed but come on - this all took place in an afternoon. It’s already down. Our voices were heard - we didn’t think this was very good, and apparently Whatpumpkin agrees enough that they didn’t mount a defence of it. Rather than take the next logical step, though - which seems to be calling for the death of Andrew Hussie and removing all of Homestuck from the internet and maybe nuking Toby Fox from orbit just to be extra-sure? - we could do... something else. Talk about the release date for Stranger Things, maybe. Track down some local Neo-Nazis and punch them. Read some Antony Beevor books and really educate ourselves on what a smelly fuck-up Hitler was so we can chant that at Neo Nazis at their next rally. Or you could watch the New Years Bake-Off special. It was pretty good.

#homestuck #andrew hussie #hitler #hiveswap #hiveswap friendsim #whatpumpkin #skaianet #bake-off #terry pratchett #homestuck analysis

7 notes · View notes

double-decker-couch · 6 years

Text

What do we know about The LEGO Movie 2 so far?

- Unikitty's new giant warrior form is called "Ultrakatty".

- At some point, Emmet builds a triple-decker couch—and evidently, a "thricycle". (It's a triple-decker unicycle. That is so impractical and amazing.)

- Good Cop (and we can only assume Bad Cop) seems to be making a reappearance! This is weirdly important to 75%+ of the fandom. Because honestly, a huge portion of our fan content is Good Cop/Bad Cop based and if we don't get some more character development for those two we are probably gonna yell. ("Scribble Cop" is included in this LEGO set, and makes a few background appearances in the Dance Together video.)

- PLEASE LET US SEE OUR FAVORITE REFORMED VILLAINS, TLM2 CREW

- I'M REALLY HOPING FOR AT LEAST ONE GOOD COP/BAD COP SCENE. The set linked above includes "Scribble Cop's Office" with "chair-kicking function". If it's Good Cop's office, yet there's chair-kicking going on... we might get that scene yet guys

- Business’s role is credited as being reprised by Will Ferrell on the Wikipedia page.

- I'm lowkey picturing him being torn between nervously trying to help without micromanaging everything and just going NOPE SORRY I DIDN'T DO IT at everything that's happened

- Puppycorn, Unikitty's little brother from the Cartoon Network show Unikitty!, is shown for a moment in the extended trailer.

- New characters include General Sweet Mayhem, Queen Watevra Wa'nabi, Banana, Ice Cream Cone, Roxxi (who I assume is a female mechanic of sorts, from this set), Fuse (who I'm hoping is a robot head who hangs out with Roxxi, but more likely is the guy mechanic), and Mohawk (who, I assume, is the guy with the mohawk).

- Returning characters with new "apocalypse warrior" personas are: Unikitty/Ultrakatty, Surfer Dave/Chainsaw Dave (yikes), Larry the Barista, Mrs. Scratchen-Post and her warrior cats, and to a lesser extent Warrior Lucy.

- also Batman, who has Edginess for Every Occasion™

- Metalbeard appears to be undergoing a few changes to his robotic body. In the holiday short, he's shown as only having his head and chest (get it? get it?), while in the later part of the Dance Together video, he seems to have spider-like robotic legs.

- Benny's spaceman friends are actually named Lenny, Kenny, and Jenny! (Good job, fandom, you totally called it.) Kenny is the yellow spaceman, Lenny is apparently pink, and Jenny is in white.

- We are left to wonder who the red spaceman is. Maybe Denny?

- BATMAN APPARENTLY GETS ROPED INTO MARRYING QUEEN WATEVRA

- I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING

- According to a recent news article on SlashFilm.com: "Everyone knows that Batman (Will Arnett) flies solo — except when he's fighting in the Justice League, or when he's adopting a legion of orphans that become his close-knit found family, or when he's partying with Alfred. But the one thing that stays constant with Batman: he's a bachelor, or a Bat-chelor if you're feeling wild. Until now. The arrival of Queen Watevra WaNabi shakes things up for Batman, who is roped into marrying the new character and is potentially okay with it."

- I MEAN

- WOW

- DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING

- okay but to be totally honest the more I think about it that could actually be really cute? If this movie is about Finn's sister taking Emmet and the gang (or perhaps just Lucy and friends, at first) to her room—then they'll likely have adventures that a girl would send them on. As a girl, I can confirm that we do tend to marry off our toys when we’re little.

- According to several more recent news articles and the Wikipedia page, Finn's sister's name is Bianca.

- The "main song" for the movie is "This Song's Gonna Get Stuck Inside Your Head"

- spoiler alert: it's catchy

- To get to the Systar System, what do Emmet and Rex Dangervest have to cross? The Stairgate.

- some of the news articles have really great quotes??

- my favorite so far has been CNET's Lego Movie 2 Review, which has sentences like:

"Seriously, the whole endeavour is a crazy moebius strip of postmodern recursive metatextuality. With songs.” and "Jeez, just because kids can work an iPad at six months old, apparently they're expected to get Baudrillardian simulation theory."

- A++ to whoever wrote that article; it's fantastic and I'm still laughing

- SlashFilms quotes the official synopsis as being:

"The much-anticipated sequel to the critically acclaimed, global box office phenomenon that started it all, "The LEGO® Movie 2: The Second Part," reunites the heroes of Bricksburg in an all new action-packed adventure to save their beloved city. It's been five years since everything was awesome and the citizens are facing a huge new threat: LEGO DUPLO® invaders from outer space, wrecking everything faster than they can rebuild. The battle to defeat them and restore harmony to the LEGO universe will take Emmet, Lucy, Batman and their friends to faraway, unexplored worlds, including a strange galaxy where everything is a musical. It will test their courage, creativity and Master Building skills, and reveal just how special they really are."

- it’s in theaters on February 8 and it's going to be AWESOME

(This is by no means a complete list. If you know any more details, please reblog with additions as the movie's release date approaches! Or even after it's past! Go wild! Linked references and pictures are awesome, too.)

#the lego movie 2 #the lego movie #warner bros #movie updates #lego #I meant to post this a couple weeks ago when it would’ve been more useful #but oh well; now it has a lot more information #hope this is useful!#honestly I’m just super excited and wanted to dump all this information somewhere XD

2 notes · View notes

nedflix-n-chill · 4 years

Photo

12 Days of Christmas #10 Christmas Blood Have you ever wondered if other countries also make really bad killer Santa movies? Like I've seen a dozen bad American killer Santa films (and a handful of good ones) and you start to wonder if this is a regional thing like how a lot of other countries don't celebrate Halloween or don't really give a shit about Star Wars. Maybe the godawful low budget killer Santa film is as American as apple pie or going into lifelong debt because of a medical emergency. Christmas Blood is the answer that no we are not alone in our quest to bastardize this most holy of holidays into some cheap excuse for entertainment. After an absurd amount of title cards delivering far too much exposition (seriously I was ready to read subtitles but not a goddamn novella before the fucking movie even started) we then join the absolute WORST group of friends who are supposed to be comforting one of them whose mother just died but instead spend the whole time bickering and lying and backstabbing each other. It's essentially a ripoff of Halloween except with a Santa Claus instead of Michael Myers and while I'd love to get into the nitty gritty plot details its nigh impossible since apparently they decided for some reason to never point a goddamn light at any actors face leaving them in complete darkness and me spending the whole time trying to figure out who the fuck is who. Like how the fuck you can't light an interior at a police station? This is a place of work it has actual overhead florescents, use them. This level of light cannot be good for their eyes, they got jobs to do. I shouldn't have to be all up in my TV's goddamn settings cranking up the brightness. And even when you can make out what's happening, who gives a fuck, its stupid. Like this features maybe the worst example of the coroner eating while performing an autopsy trope, just purely unimaginative. This film takes itself way too seriously. The only good thing about this movie is that one of the cops looks like he spends all his time in a bar yelling at Will Ferrell to "play Ja Ja Ding Dong." https://www.instagram.com/p/CJJ45QTlzPZ/?igshid=1n4dvrrbm135a

#10

0 notes

queennicoleinboots · 4 years

Text

Office Woes, part 3 (Michael the Great Arc Angel POV)

My job is stressful even on lunch breaks. Karens overran Publix, and one turned into a pterodactyl. I flew the Annie's macaroni and cheese, onions, and jalapenos to La Bamba in hopes that the Taco Mac would be available again. Speaking of Taco Mac, I saw Colonel Mac and Xara shopping for Taco Mac ingredients as well. I knew that I was going to attend that party the minute someone says "Taco Mac with Colonel Mac."

PeeWee Herman screamed twice upon my arrival.

"Apparently, you ordered Taco Mac," I said.

"Yes, I did!" PeeWee Herman said. "But this batch won't be with Colonel Mac." He and everyone in the restaurant screamed. "That party is later tonight!"

I screamed. "I am aware!" I shouted as I flew into the kitchen to hand the cooks the ingredients.

"Thank you. Did you wash your hands?" the cook asked.

"Does a bear shit in the woods?" I asked. "I only take four showers a day on a regular basis. On Swamp Ass days, make that 10!"

"Point taken! Thank you for saving the day, Michael the Great Arc Angel!" the cook said as he began to cook again.

"You are welcome. It is what I do!" I shouted as I left the building to go back to work.

When I walked in the office, the first thing I heard from a fat black female pig was, "DIS BITCH!" She even bobbled her head after she spoke and had her elbow out on the desk.

It took the power of Ahayah to stop me from bursting out laughing. That was by far the funniest thing that had happened so far that day.

When she got off the phone, the other pigs started answering the phone with "DIS BITCH" instead of "Dispatch." Pigs in Georgia don't know how to talk correctly.

I literally went in my office, closed my cubicle, and laughed my ass off for a few minutes. In the middle of my laughing fit, the printer started printing E-mails with "Dis Bitch" as the subject line. I chuckled as I passed the papers along to those bitches at Disbitch.

The pigs were oinking up a storm and laughing.

Melissa the Great Arc Angel walked through the door and sat at her desk. She chuckled as she heard the pigs oink "Dis Bitch" over and over again. She was crunching numbers because she was the head accountant of our department. Her math skills were impeccable. Savants couldn't hold a candle to her.

After an hour or so of hearing "Dis Bitch" nonstop, Melissa the Great Arc Angel and I could not take anymore. We flew back in the breakroom and started rolling in the floor laughing.

"I CAN'T EVEN THINK!" she shouted as she laughed hysterically and started crying. "I CAN'T BREATHE!"

I wanted to throw in a George Floyd reference, but it would be too soon. I laughed so hard that I communicated to her in laugh language.

She laughed in different pitches to tell me, "This day is too much."

Ned also walked in the break room to laugh. He added bleats. "I can't do it!" He shouted and burst into laughter.

A bunch of big black woman pigs walked in the break room with stressed out looks on their faces. They were bobbing their heads non-stop.

The biggest one went for the coffee before she started bitching. "Giiiiirllll, these phones be acting cray today!"

"I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT! If I get one more phone call about someone weavin' through traffic screaming 'Move Bitch get out the way,' I'mma act a fool," another pig said as she also bobbed her head side to side as she talked.

"For real! I am sick n tired of getting phone calls about someone bein set on fire! That be cray cray!" another chimed in.

"I get phone calls about these nibbas breaking they fire extinguishers! You know they be stupid," the fourth big pig said.

"Okurrrrrr!!!!" they shouted as they took turns drinking coffee.

"I know if I wasn't getting PAID, I wouldn't be doing this job!" a hairy female pig shouted in a deep voice as she bobbed her head back and forth.

"I KNOW THAT'S RIGHT!" the second pig shouted.

"Ah hell no!" the third pig said with attitude as she added an extra bobble to her head and sucked her teeth.

Those bitch pigs sucked on their teeth to communicate.

"Excuse me. Could you share a moment to hear the back story of how Michael the Great Arc Angel and I met?" Melissa the Great Arc Angel asked with a huge smile on her face.

"Depends. Any new hires in this room?" the first big pig asked with attitide as she bobbled her head and swayed her hip.

We looked around to make sure no new hires were in the room. A goat who looked like Will Ferrel walked in, and he has been working here for eight years. He bleated.

"SHUT THAT DOOR!" I commanded.

The Will Ferrel Goat shut the door behind him and made himself a cup of coffee.

"No," I said.

"Yeh. Let's hear it. It can't be any crazier than the shit we be hearing today," the first pig said.

Melissa the Great Arc Angel and I laughed.

Melissa the Great Arc Angel then went to tell the story, and Gaelic elven music played in the background:

"Michael the Great Angel and I met during the midst of the Black Plague in 1349. I was the tax collecting angel until I was recruited by the Knights Templar to heal the sick. I was assigned to work with MichaeI the Great Arc Angel. He was a War Cleric and trainer of recruits into the order. I was merely assigned to be a War Cleric, mostly because of the way I work with board games, teaching them, rules checking, and how my mind operates to overcome challenges in those environments."

I sang in Gaelic before I added, "I WAS IMPRESSED, but before we could save humanity as we knew it, we made small angel talk. And I asked how she battled."

Melissa the Great Arc Angel added swiftly, "I said, 'I will show thee!,' as I descended down to the streets and got into battle stance."

I shouted, "And I said, 'Let's dance, KNAVE!' as I got into battle stance." I bobbed my head and got into battle stance.

The pigs oinked and boobed their heads.

Melissa the Great Arc Angel got into battle stance. "And we screamed at each other for five minutes."

I spoke with strength, "And then we fought as though we fought to death."

Melissa the Great Arc Angel spoke, "It was a challenge. We fought for hours until there was some sexual tension."

I cleared my throat dramatically. "Excuse me, ladies, but I admit I was worked up. I was ready to do battle without armor and swords and truly show off my muscles!"

"I AM WORKED UP!!!" the Will Ferrel goat shouted and bleated.

The pigs bobbed their heads and oinked quickly.

A goat that looked like Oswald Patton bleated and was ready for battle. "AHHH!!! I'm worked up, too! I have had five red bills and 10 lines of cocaine! I'm up for any challenge!"

Ned bleated loudly.

The pigs oinked loudly and bobbed their heads.

"How about the challenge of keeping the door closed! I'm in the middle of a back story" Melissa the Great Arc Angel shouted as the break room started to shake.

The pigs leaned their heads back and just stared at Melissa the Great Arc Angel with wide eyes.

"So, we removed our armor and helmets. But something bad happened!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel spoke dramatically.

I coughed, "BULLSHIT!"

"I noticed then the Michael the Great Arc Angel was bald!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said with wide eyes.

Everyone just stared at her like she was crazy.

The first pig said, "So?" as she curled her nose up.

"I REQUIRE a mane for me to run my fingers through. When I saw that he was bald, I was rubbing his head and felt in horror that not a single HAIR was on his head. My mind had been scarred," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said as her heart beated loudly in her chest.

"I HAD NEVER FELT SO INSULTED IN MY LIFE! So, I explained to her that hair disrupts my connection with MY angelic spirit communication. I explained that no one in my family has hair. It's an insult to my heritage!" I explained.

"THEN I EXPLAINED THAT MY ERROGENOUS ZONES were in my fingers!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said loudly.

Ned, the Will Ferrell goat, and the Patton Oswald Goat then tried to brush against her fingers.

"Men, please. I am trying to tell a story!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said as she put her sword in her sheath and folded her arms across her large chest.

"This may be TMI for you, but then I showed her my monis pubis," I said as I stared directly at Melissa the Great Arc Angel.

"This may be TMI for you, but then I WAS INSULTED. I screamed, 'HOW DARE YOU TRIM YOUR PUBIC HAIR!!!!' Then I tugged at what little hair there was and felt teased," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said.

"It was TMI," I said as I stared at her.

"I have to announce that there is sexual tension in this room," the goat that looked like Will Ferrell said.

"So we stared at each other naked for a few minutes before I suggested we release sexual tension with a sword fight," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said.

"I HAD TWO SWORDS!" I shouted.

"AND I HAD TWO SHIELDS!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel shouted.

"Do you need to have that naked sword fight now?" the Will Ferrell goat asked.

"NO!" we both shouted as the Will Ferrell goat was blown back.

"In fact, we vowed NEVER to do THAT again," I said.

"AND THEN WE WENT IN A TAVERN TO DRINK COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF ALE AND ATE FOUR HOGS ON A SPIT!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said with excitement.

I looked away awkwardly and hissed through my teeth.

"Exnay on the gohnay," Ned said to Melissa the Great Arc Angel as he nudged her.

The pigs stared at her and oinked loudly.

"E'cu me, bitch!" the hairy female pig said as she bobbed her head. "Why you eating pigs!"

"Relax. I don't eat pigs anymore. We angels are FORBIDDEN to eat pigs because of Leviticus, the third book in the Old Testament of the King James Bible. In 1349, we weren't limited on what we could eat," Melissa the Great Arc Angel explained.

"So YOU people had eaten our ancestors," the second pig said as she stared at Melissa the Great Arc Angel with narrowed eyes and bobbed her head.

"YES! And we have repented!" I shouted. "I must also add that Melissa the Great Arc Angel likes BEEF tacos as well!"

"So, because you are angels, I must beg the question. Do you follow 1 Corinthians Chapter 14: 33-37?" the goat that resembled Oswald Patton asked.

I spoke to answer that question, "The Knights Templar is a unique organization that does not use gender but merit to determine hierarchy. She is a peer, on the same level as I, since we are BOTH War Clerics. We are both front line fighters and also capable of performing in a support role."

"So, are you guys 'New age'?" the goat who looked like Oswald Patton asked.

"The Knights Templar is independent of Ahayah's word," I said. "We were fallen angels before we repented, truth be told."

"So yes?" the goat who looked like Oswald Patton clarified.

"Technically, yes," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said. "I was a fallen angel specifically BECAUSE of 1 Corinthians Chapter 14: 33-37. I am a strong woman who MUST speak when I have opinions."

The pigs oinked and bobbled their heads.

"WHEN I REMINISCENCE ABOUT THE BLACK PLAGUE, I think back to when I played Dungeons & Dragons and how much I miss it. The versions I played (3.5e) didn't include many options for battle clerics, but the newer ones (5e) do! I could actually BE a legitimate front line holy archangel class as a paladin or cleric, perhaps even multiclass into both depending on how things work out in my daily work life," I shouted to stomp out the gender war that was about to occur in this break room.

The pigs all blinked and oinked.

"Daaaaaayyyyyyuuuuum! That WAS crazy!" the first pig said as she whipped her head.

"Shit, y'all would have ate us were we back in them times!" the second pig said as she sucked on her teeth.

"You are correct," Melissa the Great Arc Angel said.

"But we are no longer in those times," I said. "We are not allowed to eat pork. It is not kosher. According to Leviticus, the third book in the Old Testament of the Bible, pork is an unclean meat."

"Bbboooooyyyyyy! You know that's right!" the first pig said as she ripped off her skirt, turned around, and started shaking her big pig booty. Her tail was wagging excitedly.

The other female pigs ripped their skirts/dresses off and shaking their pig booties.

Ned and the goat who looked like Will Ferrell stared at them with a smile and bleated loudly.

"Oh my God no! I am not a lesbian! I am not a lesbian! Holy Shit I'm not a lesbian. I. Am. Not. A. Lesbian! Excuse me! I have numbers to crunch!" Melissa the Great Arc Angel said quickly as she flew out of the break room.

"I'm sorry, ladies. But I am still at WORK, and I only like white meat," I said as I took my cup of coffee.

The first big black pig turned around and stared at me with her brown eyes. "So you racist?" she asked as she bobbled her head around and shook her hips.

"Lady, I am at work. This is not the time to start a race war," I said as I started to walk out of there.

"You done started it," she said as she started walking toward me.

"No ma'am. I did not," I said as I stared her down.

"Yes, you did," she stared at me and put her hooves on her hips.

"No, bitch, I did not," I said as I straightened my back and puffed my chest out. "You walked in this room and started talking."

"So we ain't allowed to talk now because we ain't white and we female?" she said as she widened her eyes.

"I did not say that, ma'am," I said as I stood my ground.

"Don't you MA'AM ME, MOTHA FUCKA! YOU DONE STARTED IT BACK IN MEDIEVAL TIMES WHEN Y'ALL DONE ATE PORK!" she shouted as she got closer to me.

The other pigs started screaming, oinking, and cursing at me.

"Ladies, please! Your points are valid, but this is not the time to discuss it!" Ned shouted with a bleat.

The fifth pig walked over to him and put her booty in his face. Ned slapped her booty before he slipped her panties to the side and stuck his goat cock inside of her. She oinked with every thrust.

The goat that looked like Will Ferrell then stuck his junk in the hairy pig. She squealed loudly.

"We have learned our lesson since then. I have repented," I said as I looked directly at the first pig.

"But you won't touch me because I'm dark," she said as she stared at me and blinked at me once.

"Correct. All dark pigs are off limits. It's the code of male Arc Angels," I said.

She oinked in frustration. There was mutiny in the office. There was only one thing I could do.

I opened the door to the break room and shouted, "CODE 5 to MALE PIGS! I repeat! Code 5 to MALE PIGS!

The male pigs came rushing to the break room and oinked like crazy.

The fat, black female pigs in the room took off their underwear, got on all fours, and oinked.

I flew the fuck out of there because I did not want to witness what was occurring in the break room at that point. I went to my office and stayed there.

Their oinks could be heard around the whole office. The remaining personnel on dispatch answered the phone "Dis Bitch." Second shift dispatch had monkeys and rabbits as the staff.

Another printer was jamming up.

"You son of a bitch," I said as I turned the machine off and on.

0 notes

twentyminutemiso · 4 years

Text

23:40

Today I went over to Jess and Kevin’s. Drove with Mum because she had work at 4 and came back with her after her shift ended at 10. I got there and we chilled a bit and started making manicottis. She and andrew smelled my jumper because jess said i smell like parents. Andrew showed me his second skateboard he got which has wheels for cruising. Apparently if I can ollie in 6 months that’s really good and if i can’t that still normal. First we watched the Eurovision movie with Will Ferrell and Rachel McAdams and that was actually slightly better than I expected. The song at the end was quite good. It reminded me how sad I was that it wasn’t on this year. It took me a good couple of hours to make the crepes in the tiny frying pan. The film finished and J & A had got back from the shops and there was still batter. Kevin left to go to the pub with his mates and I was really disappointed about not being able to play the game. He didn’t say anything. I kept thinking for ages after he left that I really didn’t get what Jess or Andrew or anyone sees in him, he’s such an inconsiderate and self-centred person. Just now after I got back home I was telling Mum and Dad this and they said I shouldn’t make plans with him anymore. After we ate the manicottis we watched most of Hamilton.

Stuff from the last 3 months

Joe PS4

Huge upset with Mum and Dad following Joe PS4

Playing, and at points being quite tired of playing, FF7

First walk to churchfield recreation ground and feeling like a made a discovery (even though it was lola who told me about it)

the walk with Lola and when she had a go on my skateboard

working on my kickturns in All Saints Graveyard, Jubilee park tennis courts

Diana and her dog Cilla who were looking for her car key in the graveyard. She’s a karate teacher.

walks to the alley, jubilee, wetlands/brook, skating, Mbmbam, seeing the interactions with people on the street (the snake for example)

the one walk around sunset when i was on the phone with J

Kozan rec ground, Kozan and Maria Firs Farm and our picnic at Bury Lodge Gardens on the 30 degree day in June, drinking cranberry squash and Bombay Sapphire

Chiara came over, we walked to rec ground in the rain, had potato and spicy leek gozlemes, i brought my sushi i made with mum (one flavour was avacado and pork floss, one flavour was cucumber, egg and prawn) and she wiped down the wet tables with her blanket so we could sit there

gyoza potato and salad with J and A at the Waterside Cafe

yoga with Adriene, doing the crow pose finally

reading Are Prisons Obsolete

reading the Wilderson essay

spending almost 200 hours playing animal crossing. The groupchat on IG. Rachael visiting, Khadija visiting, Joe visiting and us fishing at night, visiting Rho, making big bucks time travelling with Rose, Kay and Ayesha visiting my island

showing how bad on Smash I am with Billy and Irvine

webinars on prison abolition

magic tricks for Bella, as well as Heidi and Vik, on facetime

simulwatching Lilo and Stitch with daikon crew

Terrace House netflix party with Jon, Angela, Farah, Alex Lim, Peter and Marina pre-Hana Kimura’s death

steaming buns with Mum and Dad

making lots of nice dishes while Mum was on furlough - raising the bar for dad’s cooking after she went back to work. Which ones? Mashed pumpkin?

the sweet potato slithers

Pasteur Gardens, 2 times. First time, the Blair Witch Project scene in the forest. Second time, James announced he was gunna be a dad, Keira first outing, Nick showing us his knee bumps from landing on the ground skating back in the day, painting the banner, the really nice slightly peppery salad leaf with tendrils

watching Normal People with Mum

arguing with parents about them being racist

Bella being supportive of my struggle with the parents, Hanna listening to me when I was crying on facetime

watching that dumb Johnny Flynn show with Ella

video chat story time with Mukund

lots of morning dreams

0 notes

wbwest · 7 years

Text

New Post has been published on WilliamBruceWest.com

New Post has been published on http://www.williambrucewest.com/2017/07/07/west-week-ever-pop-culture-review-7717/

West Week Ever: Pop Culture In Review - 7/7/17

I took last week off, but I hope y’all had a great 4th of July weekend. Life’s still kinda kicking my ass, so this’ll be an abridged edition this week.

I finally got around to watching a movie! It’s been on my list since I first heard it was in pre-production, and I’m amazed it took me this long to watch it, considering my love for the source material. The Founder stars Michael Keaton as Ray Kroc, the “founder” of McDonald’s who really just stole the concept from the McDonald Brothers. A down-on-his-luck shake machine salesman, Kroc happens upon the fledgling McDonald’s restaurant in Southern California. Knowing a good thing when he saw it, he pretty much insisted on becoming a part of the operation, mainly focused on franchising the business. And that’s when things get interesting. I LOVE McDonald’s. You can hate me all you want, but like Jim Gaffigan says, “Everyone has their own McDonald’s”. Mine just happens to be the actual company. I don’t know enough about the history of the company to know how factual an account the movie was, but it was sure damn entertaining. Keaton is amazing in it, and I feel like anyone would enjoy the movie even if they think they don’t give a rat’s ass about McDonald’s as a company. I highly recommend this film.

youtube

We finally got our first trailer for Marvel’s Inhumans, and now I realize why they were so hesitant to release it. MY GOD THIS LOOKS TERRIBLE! It looks like Into The Badlands – a show that I hate because people fawn over it when it looks like something that would’ve aired after Xena on Saturday afternoons 20 year ago. Yeah, I even told one of the Badlands creators that when he confronted me over my “appraisal” on Twitter. Badlands is a bad show, but it gets “diversity points”, so folks give it a pass. This show doesn’t even get diversity right, so it’s really just a shitshow in the making. I hate hate HATE that this is considered an official part of the MCU, even if it’s just a part of the never-referenced TV wing. Anyway, this trainwreck debuts in IMAX on September 1st, but will officially air on ABC beginning September 22nd.

Speaking of diversity points, CBS lost all of theirs when they let the Asians go from Hawaii Five-O last weekend. Daniel Dae Kim and Grace Park both left the show after salary negotiations broke down as they requested pay equal to their costars. I’ve never seen more than 15 minutes of that show, but I know the dude from Lost seemed pretty important to things. He was basically the White guys’ interpreter to all things native. CBS has claimed that they offered them sizable increases, which weren’t deemed acceptable to Park and Kim. Now the Five-O showrunner, Peter Lenkov, is now joining the side of the network, saying that CBS made “generous offers” to the stars, yet they decided not to renew their contracts.

This has turned into a discussion of race in Hollywood and how things still aren’t equal across the board. I’m a big fan of billing. Billing is important, and should go to the most well-known star. It’s the reason all the ’89 Batman posters say “Jack Nicholson” first. Dude was a bigger star. Now, I didn’t watch Lost and I didn’t watch Battlestar Galactica, but I still recognize Kim and Park from those shows. Maybe it’s just because I’m a geek and folks were always talking about those shows. The show’s star, Alex O’Loughlin? I can’t name a thing he’s been in. Don’t know that dude from Adam. And the other lead? James Caan’s kid? Whatever. Y’all mean you couldn’t pony up the cash to keep Lost Dude and Battlestar Girl? We’re not talking about big names here so, unless there was a favored nations clause where O’Loughlin would have to get a raise if they got raises, thereby thwarting the whole “equality” thing, I don’t see what the problem was. As has been pointed out, all O’Loughlin and Caan had to do was stand in solidarity with their costars and this would’ve been a non-issue. Word on the street it O’Loughlin is quitting at the end of the season anyway, so it’s not like we’re talking another 5 years here. He couldn’t keep his ego in check for a season? Nah, for too many folks, as long as they’ve got theirs, they don’t care if you’ve got yours.

youtube

We also got a trailer for Pitch Perfect 3, forcing me to reiterate that NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE A TRILOGY. I know everyone involved likes money, but sometimes there are natural, built-in ends to things. That thing was a 2-movie franchise and that’s it. Don’t forget – I lived that life. I was in the same competition the Bellas won in the first film (we came in 2nd), and I experienced the aca-graduation blues that the girls experienced in the second film. That’s pretty much it. There’s nowhere else to go. I mean, sure there are some random outlier outcomes. One of my groupmates is a hit producer in Asia now. Another is a pretty big pop star in Hong Kong. The rest of us? Dead-end jobs and bills. I used to occasionally do karaoke, but even that got to be too depressing. That shit is fun while it lasts, and then you’ve got to move on. So, in that vein, I can understand the plot of the 3rd movie, with the girls wanting to have one last hurrah, but I don’t really understand the concept of putting them on a USO tour. Is that something the troops wanna see? Has Pentatonix been dropped into the theater of war? It just seems kinda farfetched to me, and I was fine with how things were left in the last movie. Sure, I’ll see it, but it won’t be in a theater.

Things You Might Have Missed This Week

Hide grandma’s wallet – QVC is buying out Home Shopping Network.

After 3 seasons, The Carmichael Show has been canceled by NBC. I really wish someone else would snatch it up, as it’s a smart show

Netflix has renewed Dear, White People for a 2nd season. Meanwhile, they canceled Girlboss after one season. Reed Hastings giveth and he taketh away.

Speaking of Netflix, hearing the cries of fans, Sense8 will officially conclude with a 2-hour finale special

Netflix also renewed one of my favorite original shows, F is For Family, for a 3rd season.

Apparently a series based on the popular Step Up film series, called Step Up: High Water, will premiere on YouTube Red, where absolutely NOBODY is gonna watch it.

Fuller House season 3 will coincidentally premiere on the 30th anniversary of Full House, September 22nd.

Make your vacations weird again, as Cirque du Soleil has purchased Blue Man Group.

Patton Oswalt is engaged to 80s actress Meredith Salenger. Ya know, the same Patton whose wife died last year. I guess we all grieve in our own ways…

Lack of interest brought down The House, which bombed at the box office last weekend. It was reportedly Will Ferrell’s lowest live-action opening for a major studio.

Nick Fury will reportedly be making his MCU return in 2019’s Captain Marvel

HBO is reportedly getting the True Detective band back together, with a 3rd season to star Mahershala Ali

Nixing speculation that she was still up for the White House Press Secretary job, Kimberly Guilfoyle has reupped her contract with Fox News

Rob Lowe and his sons will chase the supernatural in The Lowe Files, and I literally cannot wait.

New game show, Snap Decision, premieres August 7th. Hosted by David Allen Grier, the show breaks precedent because it will debut on GSN and in syndication on the same date.

The world’s leading (and only) bar scientist favorited my tweet this week

We’re gonna do something different here this week. Usually, if you’ve been paying attention to the week’s news, you can at least try to figure out who or what had the best week. Some weeks it’s harder to choose something than others. Then I remembered, “Will, this is YOUR site.” After all, this is all pop culture through my lens, so it’s my rules. So, sometimes I might choose something that meant a lot to me that week, while you were none the wiser. But I bring it up on the site so that we’re all on the same page. And that’s the kind of pick I have this week.

After watching The Founder, I was left thinking, “Michael Keaton is a goddamn national treasure”. After watching Spider-Man: Homecoming last night (yeah, we’ll talk about it next week, when more of y’all have had a chance to see it), I was thinking “Why have we been sleeping on Keaton the past 20 years?” I mean, with the exception of The Other Guys, I honestly hadn’t seen a Michael Keaton movie since probably Batman Returns, and yet Birdman is the one considered his “comeback vehicle”. In The Founder, he really made you feel for a traveling salesman who was at the end of his rope. After a string of laughable failures, he finally found something to which he could hitch his wagon: McDonald’s. And while he also had to prove this to everyone in his sphere of orbit, most importantly he had to prove this to himself. He really needed a win, and Keaton did such a great job conveying that.

In Homecoming, Keaton plays Adrian Toomes, better known as the Vulture (though he’s never called that by name in the film). Not unlike Alfred Molina’s Dr. Octopus, he’s something of a sympathetic villain. Were it not for the fact that comic book franchises deal in the good/bad binary, you could almost relate to him and understand where he’s coming from. He’s a modern-day working class guy who feels ignored by the fat cats up on high. He doesn’t have evil goals. He simply wants to provide for his family, and he has a code of honor that dictates he must do whatever it takes to make good on that promise. I felt that Keaton did a great job expressing the plight of the working man. Sure, he got to utter some cheesy villain dialogue, but that simply comes with the territory. If you stopped for a minute, and ignored the fact that Spider-Man HAS to win, you realize that Toomes is actually kind of on to something. Again, though, I’ll get into more Homecoming thoughts next week.

My pal Chad pretty much swears by Michael Keaton as his favorite actor – a lot of that having to do with his immense love of 1989’s Batman. I’ve gotta say, I was never a huge fan of Keaton’s Batman, and when Chad would laud Keaton’s praises, I wasn’t really seeing it. I see it now, though. I have seen the light and I am healed! Dear Hollywood, more Michael Keaton, please! He pretty much impressed me on two different cinematic fronts this week, and that’s why Michael Keaton had the West Week Ever.

#80s #A Cappella #Batman #Comics #Marvel #Movies #Politics #Race #Social Media #Syndication #Television #West Week Ever

1 note · View note