#just bc its kinda self indulgent when i wrote it ((and it was never a hockey fic))

[raysofcrosby]

you are in love – m. tkachuk

warning(s): fluff, small angst, insinuation of smut ((barely)) and sadness<333

inspired by: you are in love by taylor swift w a lil twist<33

word count: 33,031

an: hi ya i’ve been MIA on the writing scene for a bit bc just a general plateau of inspiration but oh lookey here, what’s this??? a new fic??? buckle up besties bc i wrote this in literally four hours and crying about 80% of the time bc i was deep in my feels for over a day when i wrote it, so it’s not edited, probs wont even make any sense either but ya enjoy cool!!! also if it doesn't make any sense thats bc a lot of this was edited from what the original version was and i had to add a bunch of filler shit to make it a hockey fic vs just my personal way of letting my emotions out. so again, don't mind it, enjoy the fic, blah blah blah okay bye<333. ((an 2.0: p.s. i wrote this way before ratty's trade, but added it in the end so if the timeline doesn't add up don't attack pls bc like i said...tons of filler was added)) *italics indicate flashbacks*

You never realize how much stuff can fill a one bedroom apartment until the fifth trip to the store to buy more moving boxes because you seriously underestimated just how much you owned. That could arguably be one of the top three worst things when it comes to moving, tied with actually having to pack your stuff and shifting through what to keep and what to give away.

Luckily, Riley had all the time in the world seeing as she had no responsibilities aside from doing exactly what she was doing in this moment- packing up everything and anything she owned and managed to shove into her 744 square foot apartment she’d called home for the last two years. A mixture of memories brought from home and collected during her time here were all over the apartment, and now in a week's time, they needed to be shoved into multiple moving boxes labeled properly so she wouldn’t be going on a wild goose chase when it came to unpacking them again.

Unluckily, she was also the type of person who found herself easily distracted whenever she came across something that she’d either forgotten she’d owned altogether, or that she’d remember misplacing at one point in time and just never found. A coffee mug, and part gag gift that had “don’t speak” on it from her dad who always jokes that she’s unable and not willing to have a conversation before drinking at least half a cup of coffee– it was buried in the middle back of her cabinet with her other mugs. A swear word coloring book meant for her sister that had somehow slipped behind her bedside table. The journal her mom had gifted her her first Christmas into her masters courses when she’d mentioned how she thought about starting journaling every day as one of her New Year's resolutions.

Riley couldn’t remember the last time she had written in it, though she knew she’d kept the habit up for at least a minimum of the entirety of January, so she flipped open the journal, watching the blank pages brush by until she saw the black ink of the pen she’d always used to write in it. And in the top right corner, was the date of her last entry– March 11th.

She didn’t need to read the entry to remember what she’d written in it…but she was already here, with the journal wide open in her hands…what could it hurt to relive the memory she’d written down on that day?

“Hey, so Jacob and Bren have got pretty much everything packed up in the pod,” Claire said, walking into the now empty apartment and stopping by the bar of the kitchen island where Riley had been leaning. “Are you ready to lock it up or is there some stuff you still need to add?”

Riley looked up from the journal, shutting the hardcover journal– the front of it decorated in pink watercolor pastel and a small bouquet of yellow flowers with the phrase “through sun and rain, flowers bloom all the same” written in black cursive, the pink marking ribbon hanging outside of the lined pages instead of marking where she’d last left off like it was supposed to be.

“Um no, no,” she replied, glancing up from the journal and shaking her head as she placed the journal into the box on the counter next to her, folding the flaps properly and locking them in each other before sliding it off of the counter and holding it in her arms. “Just this box here, but I’ve got it.”

Claire nodded and turned to face what had previously been a homey living room, but was now just an empty room full of potential possibilities. “It feels weird to see this place empty again since I still remember Jacob and I helping you move in with Bren, mom and dad two years ago. I guess it’s a little sad too,” she looked at Riley, nudging her with her shoulder. “But I guess I’m proud of you for getting this job, though I will miss having you within instant bugging distance of me.”

“Gee, thanks,” Riley replied, stepping away from the counter. “Come on, let’s go put this in the pod so we can lock it up and call the company to pick it up soon.”

“Tell me that means we can get early dinner too, right? I’m absolutely starving.” Claire huffed, grabbing the keys to the apartment off of the counter and following behind Riley as they left the now empty place she once called home.

“We can,” Riley nodded, stopping just outside the door as she watched Claire lock the apartment door before they started moving down the hall and towards the elevator. “But I have one more thing I need to do before that.”

Claire’s eyebrows furrowed for only a split second before she pursed her lips and nodded. “That’s right, yeah we’ll totally make a stop before dinner. And then after that–”

“St. Louis,” Riley sighed, her thumbs rubbing against the cardboard in her hands as she nodded. “Yeah, bright and early, first flight out of here.” 

“Then you’re Boston bound once Mom and Dad get their trips down memory lane in,”  Claire smiled, looking down at her phone and typing.

For a moment as she followed behind Claire, she looked down at the box, seeing her own writing in black sharpie across one of the flabs– “Miscellaneous Junk – Riles’ room” “Did you write this on the box?”

Claire looked over her shoulder as the elevator doors opened and peered at the box, nodding her head. “Yeah, it’s just a bunch of junk from your desk isn’t it? Nothing really important is in there, just your knick knacks and stuff from your drawers.”

‘Nothing really important’ stung her harder than it probably should have because sure, she’d asked Claire to go through her desk and toss whatever was left into one box, but that was before she’d looked in and seen what was in it. Random stickers, concert lanyards, the gag gift of a gift box of glow in the dark condoms Janelle had given her– so many of the things in there fell under the junk title Claire had given the box…the ‘nothing really important’ category. But not that journal…nothing written on those lined pages was junk, everything in that journal mattered to Riley.

It took everything in her not to reach in and grab the journal from inside the box, but she didn’t want to gain her sister’s attention or want her interest to be piqued on what was within the hardcover gift. So instead, she just readjusted her grip onto the box and thought about all the ways she might be able to sneak it out without anyone noticing before they put the box into the pod, which would be shipped off to Boston, hopefully later tonight.

There were only 69 entries in that journal, there should’ve been at least 184, but the way she’d gotten swept up in life every day after March 11th, writing in that journal had slipped to the very back of her mind. But every moment of those 69 entries and the 114 days after that, all the way up to that moment on July 2nd that felt world ending, to today– July 4th…it all mattered.

DAY 12 – JANUARY 12TH, 2022 [ FIRST MEETING ]

“I have absolutely no right to be here right now,” Riley said, tugging on the top of the bodycon dress Claire had managed to squeeze her into for the night. One that was just one size too small but for some Godforsaken reason had seemed to fit her everywhere but her chest, which Claire called a blessing but she called a girl's gone wild moment waiting to happen.

“You have every right to be here,” she replied, keeping her steady pace as her heels clicked against the pavement while simultaneously digging through her small clutch for her lip gloss.

“In what dimension do I have the right to be crashing a girls night out–” Riley quickened her pace, the heels Claire also pressured her to shove her feet into for the night, almost matching her own as they clicked on the sidewalk. “Where all of the girls in question, except for me, have the same exact thing in common?”

“Which is?”

“You know exactly what it is,” she huffed, finally coming up beside her just as the two of them were met with the bouncer of the club, the bearded man who looked like he walked off of the front cover of a bodybuilding magazine, instantly waving them both through. “You’re literally all dating professional athletes…on the same team…teammates, Claire. That’s what you all have in common.”

Claire rolled her eyes, grabbing her hand as they both entered the crowded club floor and leading her in the direction of where most of her friends were. “I think you’re forgetting one thing, you also know someone here because you’re both in the same masters courses.”

“Fine, I have one thing in common with one person out of what? The twenty that are here?”

“And me, or have you all of a sudden forgotten that you’re a twin? Because if you’re still mad about me stealing your book fair money in elementary school, I think you need to see a therapist.”

Riley pulled her hand from hers, tugging up at the top of her dress again. “We’re not even twins. You’re eleven months older than me–”

“Basically making us twins,” Claire replied, pulling her forward as she came to a stop in front of a small set of stairs that led up to multiple booths. “Fourth one down, move it.”

“It’s a wonder how you ever won the friendliest in the entire class your senior year,” Riley said, sending a playful glare over her shoulder. “If only they knew the real you.”

“You’re my sister, you get both my nice side and my ‘if you take my favorite sweater out of my closet one more time without asking I’ll dump water on your head in the middle of the night to wake you up,’ side,” Claire smiled, keeping her hand on the small of Riley’s back and nuding her ahead. “Besides, you won best smile which is odd because you never smile, you old grouch.”

“Finally you two show up!” Meredith, Johnny Gaudreau’s wife, was the first one to spot them as Claire shoved Riley up to the booth where the familiar faces of the girls who were either married to or dating Flames players that Riley had gotten to know so far, were sitting in.

“Yeah, it took everything in me to convince Ri here to come out with us and to at least put a little effort into her appearance,” Claire said, greeting Meredith with a hug before moving along to greet the rest of the girls who were there.

“Ha ha, very funny, but some of us have school–”

“Oh not the school excuse,” Kelsey, the one girl out of all of them who Riley had one thing in common with, seeing they were both pursuing Masters Degrees at the University of Calgary in the Kinesiology program. “I know for a fact that we have nothing due over the weekend, not even until the end of next week. Take a break for once Riley, you’re mastering the classes, no pun intended.” She smiled, giving Riley a hug.

“See Ri?” Claire smiled over her shoulder before plopping down in a spot Meredith and Annica, who was dating Elias Lindholm, had made between them. “Now relax and have fun. You don’t even have to leave the comfort of this booth if you want.”

“Actually,” Riley replied, giving Claire a sarcastic smile. “I think I might just have some fun and wander down to the bar and get a drink.”

“I’ll come with you actually!” Kylie, who was dating Dillon Dube, chimed in, standing up from the seating.

“Me too!” Kelsey added, standing up. “Plus I wanted to tell you what Oscar’s reaction to that paper we had to turn in last week was. I swear his eyes popped out of his head when I asked him to proofread it.”

Riley laughed, walking back out of the booth as the two followed behind her. “Please, I barely understood what I wrote and I even have all the notes from class.”

The three of them maneuvered their way back down the small set of steps and then back into the crowd of the bar, Kelsey grabbing onto Riley’s hand and then presumably Kylie’s so the three wouldn’t lose one another in the crowd as Riley led them over towards the bar. Thanks to being invited along to some events by Claire, Riley knew most of the WAGs on the team, but the only one she was really on a super friendly basis with, was Kelsey. Kelsey who was born and raised in Calgary and had attended the University of Calgary for her undergraduate degree as well and had been dating Oscar for the last near two years.

The two of them, Kelsey and Riley, hadn’t made their Flames connection until Claire asked Riley if she would tag along with her to brunch with a few other girls, Claire also wanting Riley to ‘stop hiding in your room, you’re young, have fun!’ Kelsey was at brunch, recognized Riley from one of their lectures and the friendship just blossomed into study sessions, coffee trips and Kelsey also having Riley tag along to things.

“Unbelievable,” Kelsey laughed once the three of them managed to grab a space at the crowded bar. “All of the bars in the city and they go here? Knowing we were all coming out tonight?”

“What?” Kylie asked, looking at Riley for help but Riley just shrugged.

Kelsey sighed and rolled her eyes before nodding her head off to their left and then pointing. “All the way at the end of the bar.”

Riley and Kylie both looked over in the direction she was pointing, and instantly the two girls knew what and who she was talking about. There at the end of the bar and of course, all together in a big group, were a few players from the Flames. Riley could see Jacob and Dillon at the bar talking to the bartender and off behind him were Sean, Johnny, Oscar and they were sure more that weren’t in their view.

“If you guys tell me what you want, you’re more than welcome to go over there and chew their asses out a little bit,” Riley smiled, leaning against the bar.

“You don’t mind? Because like Kels said…there are so many bars here,” Kylie said, looking off at the boys.

“Not at all,” Riley replied, waving them off. “As long as you give Jacob a little hell from me for not telling my insane sister to leave me alone tonight.”

Kylie squeezed Riley’s arm as she brushed by and nodded. “We’ll be right back, don’t leave the bar without us so we don’t lose you.”

“And if any creeps sneak up, yell pterodactyl.” Kelsey noddeed, nodding her head. “It’ll scare them off.”

“Pterodactyl, got it,” Riley nodded, watching them walk away before turning back towards the bar and then shaking her head. “Pterodactyl? Where the hell did she get that from?”

The bartender walked over to her, nodding at her. “What can I get you?”

Riley opened her mouth to speak, only to realize that Kelsey and Kylie never told her what they wanted to drink…so she went with a classic. “Can I get three vodka cranberries?”

The bartender nodded and turned away to make the drinks, Riley flipped her phone over and grabbed her card from the card holder she insisted Claire let her borrow since she wasn’t carrying a purse and was stuffed into the dress.

“I hope all of those aren’t for you,” Riley heard someone say as the bartender placed two of the drinks down in front of her. “Cause that’s about three rounds I’ll miss out on buying you a drink.”

She looked to her left to see the familiar face of Matthew, one of Jacob’s teammates. A face that she’s seen obviously on ice for the games she’s attended since her sister started dating Jacob, but also at some of the team parties that Claire’s invited her to or made her tag along as her plus one. “That’s assuming I’d take your offer to let you buy me one, let alone three.”

“Ouch, tough crowd,” he replied, holding his right hand to his chest, right over his heart and rubbing against his gray t-shirt.

“Sorry,” Riley dramatically pouted as she shrugged. “Did I bruise your hockey player ego by turning down your horrible pick up line? Like seriously, does that even work?”

He moved away from the corner of the bar and came up beside her, resting his arms against it. “Who said it was a line? Maybe I was really looking forward to buying you a drink. Plus, maybe I was also sent over here to make sure no creeps are creepy towards you. You know the whole plus one, stay together thing.”

The bartender placed the last drink in front of her and Riley quickly handed over her card before looking at him with a shrug. “Looks like you failed your mission.” The bartender placed her card back down onto the bar in front of her, along with a receipt and a pen. Riley quickly scribbled her signature and a tip before sliding it across the bar and putting her card back into her phone and looking at Matthew. “Both missions actually, cause I just bought my own drink.”

Matthew rolled his eyes before looking at the bartender and nodding his head, holding up two fingers– Riley taking that as the opportunity to grab her drinks and head back towards the booth. “Hey!” She turned around to see Matthew leaning against the bar, nodding at her with a smile. “The night’s still young. That’s plenty of time for me to buy you that drink!”

“Not unless you find someone else to entertain your time and horrible pick up lines,” Riley smiled back, nodding her head for him to look behind him as a girl was just getting ready to tap him on the shoulder– her intentions for him very clear. “Just don’t use that buy you a drink one.” Riley winked and turned back towards where she was walking, carefully making her way back over to the booth where Claire and the rest of the girls were.

“Riles!” Claire cheered, holding up her empty shot glass before putting it back onto the table. “Where are Kels and Kylie?”

“You guys have some bar crashers!” Riley replied, placing the drinks that belonged to Kylie and Kelsey down onto the table, then covering them with one of the napkins that came wrapped around the cup. “Some of the guys are here and they went to go talk to them.”

“Ugh! All of the bars for a girls night out and they choose this one?” Meredith complained, rolling her eyes and finishing off her drink, then standing up. “I need another drink.”

Once she made her way out of the booth with another girl following behind, Claire took that opportunity to slide over next to Riley. “Get the sourpuss look off your face, have fun and relax, Ri!”

“I am, I’m having a ball! Lame pick up line, alcoholic drink and all!” Riley replied, leaning towards Claire so she could hear her.

“Pick up line? Who tried to pick you up?!” Claire smiled, practically beaming at the idea of Riley getting some sort of attention in the romance department. “Come up, point them out!”

“It was just one of Jacob’s teammates, it was nothing serious–”

Claire grabbed onto her arm, gripping it as her smile grew bigger. “Who! Who! You need to tell me who it was right now!”

Riley rolled her eyes, still able to see where Matthew was standing at the bar…the girl who Riley had told him about, standing next to him a little close and the two talking. She pointed out towards the bar and looked at Claire. “Him.”

She watched as Claire’s focus moved all across the bar before landing on where Riley had been pointing. Riley waited for a falter in her sister’s expression, but all stayed the same aside from Claire laughing and shaking her head. “Oh, Matthew? He’s harmless! A flirt, but a harmless one.”

“Clearly since he’s already moved on from wanting to buy me a drink and insisting on that he will,” Riley replied, turning her attention away from Matthew and the girl at the bar. “But how about we try not to shove any potential attractive male down my throat?”

“But that’s no–”

“You want me to let loose and have a good time?” Riley asked, sipping on the straw in her drink as Claire nodded. “Okay, then stop trying to pawn me off to any guy who shows a remote sense of interest.”

Claire rolled her eyes and sipped on a lighter drink that Riley knew was probably a margarita. “Did you at least think he was cute? Matthew?”

Riley sighed. “I’m not into that right now Claire, you know this. I’m not looking for–”

“A relationship, or love, or someone who will drag you out of the house on a Friday night so you can’t sit on your couch and watch One Tree Hill at night,” Claire replied, waving a hand at Riley and brushing her off. “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. But appease me just this once…do you think he’s cute?”

Riley looked back over to the bar where she watched Matthew take two beers from the bartender before saying something to the girl and then turning around, leaving her at the bar and walking back towards the group of his teammates. “I mean…yeah, he’s cute–”

“Thank you,” Claire smiled, hugging her sister and then pulling away, clinking her cup against hers. “Now was that too hard?”

“I think I just felt a piece of my soul wither and fall off actually,” Riley smiled, taking another sip of her drink as she looked at her sister.

“Oh stop being an old hag,” Claire laughed, shoving her playfully. “You’re way too young and pretty to be so old and bitter.”

Riley laughed, shaking her head. “You do realize that made no sense, right?”

“What can I say?” Claire smiled, shrugging her shoulders as she took another sip of her drink. “The tequila’s strong.”

DAY 22 – JANUARY 22ND, 2022 [ FIRST "DATE ]

“For the love of everything that is good and holy, why the hell did you and Jacob think tonight would be a great idea for a double date?” Riley sighed, tugging the ends of her thin sweater sleeves over her hands and bunching the material in her fists before crossing her arms. “Hockey games end at an average of what? Ten o’clock? Assuming they don’t go into an overtime and a shootout.”

“Oh hush,” Claire replied, waving her off. “It was an additional half hour, it won’t kill you if you’re not in bed before midnight for one night. Besides, you’re 24 and in the prime of your youth. I think staying out for a night would do you some good.”

“Some of us have homework and class–”

“In two days, Riley. It’s a Saturday night, you have no responsibilities until Monday morning, so stop complaining.” Claire turned away from Riley, looking down towards the locker room door where Jacob and the rest of the players were set to come out of.

Technically, Claire was right. Riley didn’t have any responsibilities until Monday morning and that’s more in part to the fact that she didn’t even have any homework due, that was just something she blurted out the moment Claire asked her earlier in the day if she would come to the game tonight with her. It didn’t take much budging for Riley to say no, after all, she loved Jacob and having grown up in St. Louis, her family often went to Blues games– so she enjoyed the game as well. However, once they got to the arena and Claire spilled about how they would also be going on a double date as well, with Riley being the other participant in the other couple, the slight good mood she had came crumbling down.

Claire refused to tell her who she was being forced to go on a date with, other than it was someone that she knew of and they knew Riley would be the girl he was on a date with. Halfway through the game, only when Riley threatened to call herself an uber home did Claire tell her that the date was actually one of Jacob’s teammates– a teammate who had expressed interest to Jacob about Riley that night they were all out at the same bar, despite it being girls night. Jacob told Claire and apparently the two of them had talked for a few days, Claire even talking to the teammate before finally agreeing that she was willing to set Riley up on a double AND blind date.

Though she was of course more than willing to from the jump, just like she’s been trying to hook her up with any male she thought she was a great fit for ever since high school. And it was all the same– she’d buy into her plan, go on the date, either liking the guy or he would ruin any potential feelings within seconds by saying something super misogynistic or just overall not being her type and then she’d end the night saying bye and going home by herself.

It was actually quite a process and one that Riley's come to love, because sure, while having an occasional guy in her bed for an hour or two was nice, she was never one to want to actually share her bed. Claire says she has commitment issues, but Riley liked to think of it as not bothering to settle down for any amount of time if she knew the guy was just going to waste it.

Which of course, everytime their parents came to visit or they traveled home on Holidays, meant her love life was often the topic of discussion. But that’s what happens when Claire’s basically on her way to an engagement and Brendan, their younger brother, had finally managed to convince his long time best friend Evelyn to date him.

Riley was the black sheep her parents worried about, wondering whether or not they’d ever see her bring a boyfriend home for Christmas, walk down an aisle and eventually grace them with grandchildren.

“Look, there’s Jacob now,” Claire said, standing up straight from leaning against the wall and waving her hand up slightly in the air to catch his attention.

Riley looked up from the dull arena hall floor to see Claire’s boyfriend of a little over a year, Jacob Markstrom, walking over, half expecting to see whichever teammate the two of them decided to hook her up with for the night. Jacob was nice and their parents loved him from the moment they’d accidentally met him leaving Riley and Claire’s shared apartment when they had only been dating for four months. Riley told Claire she was going to the airport to pick up their parents and yet the moment they all walked up to the door, out came strolling the 6’6” goalie in all his Swedish and slightly hungover glory.

And much to Claire’s embarrassment and Riley’s amusement, their parents invited him out to lunch later that day and they fell in love with him. There isn’t a single text or phone call between their parents where they don’t ask how Jacob’s doing and seeing if he wanted to come over for the holiday or any other small, family event.

“Good game babe,” Claire smiled, immediately walking into the blonde’s arms and giving him a hug. “Proud of you for blocking those shots there in the shootout.”

“If only I could’ve blocked more in regulation, then we wouldn’t have needed an overtime or shootout.” Jacob replied, leaning down and kissing her, keeping his arm on the small of her. “But thank you älskling, I appreciate it.”

“Hey future brother-in-law, is there any way you could tell me who this mystery date of mine is?” Riley sighed, letting her arms drop as she stood up straight. “Claire Bear over here wouldn’t even give me a single hint aside from he’s one of your teammates.”

Jacob laughed, nodding his head and looking down at Claire. “I don’t know, I think I’ve been sworn to secrecy too. But he should’ve been right behind me,”

“I didn’t see him,” Claire shook her head, looking back behind them as more of the players started to file out in groups before looking back at Jacob. “He didn’t change his mind, did he?”

Jacob shook his head. “Not that I’m aware of, he was talking about it before the game and asking how the driving situation would work. I didn’t tell him–”

“You know what? No big deal,” Riley smiled, feeling relieved as she waved them off and dug into her purse to grab her phone. “You guys go ahead and go on the date and I’ll order myself an uber and go back to my–”

“Hey sorry I’m late, I was just giving Meredith the number of some party planner my mom knows out in Boston. I guess she wants to surprise Johnny with a party out there this summer for his birthday.”

Riley looked up from her purse to see the all too familiar face of Matthew Tkachuk, only this time he wasn’t wearing a t-shirt and some jeans like he’d been wearing at the bar. This time he was wearing a suit– a nice navy blue one at that– and had a black coat draped over his arm. Riley would be lying if she said he wasn’t cute in normal clothes, but she would be lying even more if she said seeing him dressed up in a suit made him even more attractive. She won’t even think about seeing him in full uniform, mostly because honestly, she spent the entire night barely paying attention to the game and trying to figure out who her mystery date was.

It turns out it was–

“Him?” She asked, looking at Claire. “He’s my date?”

“Uh,” Matthew chimed in, holding up a hand. “I’m kind of right here.”

Claire turned away from her and towards Matthew. “Sorry for my sister, Matt. Ri can be rude sometimes.”

Riley didn’t miss the sharp change in her tone when Claire had called her rude, and maybe she was. But it was her initial reaction and Claire knew about the bump in at the bar because Riley had told her. She’d even laughed about it– “oh Matthew? He’s harmless. A flirt, but a harmless one.”

And yet here Claire was, setting her sister up on a date with the “harmless flirt” she’d talked about only a little over a week ago.

“Sorry,” Riley replied, looking down at her purse again and bringing her phone out of it, checking the time. “Claire, can we get going? It’s getting kind of late.”

“Of course, let’s get going,” Jacob nodded, looking back at her sister before the two started to walk off, leaving just her and Matthew standing there.

“After you,” Matthew said, motioning for her to walk. Riley crossed her arms again close to her chest as she turned around to follow behind Jacob and Claire, Matthew walking beside her. “I’m sorry if you were expecting someone else.”

“What?”

Matthew nodded ahead of them towards Jacob and Claire. “You seemed like you were expecting someone else.”

Riley felt her cheeks begin to heat up as she adjusted her arms. “No, not at all. I mean, I–”

“You literally said ‘him’ and didn’t look pleased,” Matthew replied, his free hand in his pants pocket as he shrugged. “I’m not offended, I’m just apologizing if they told you something different. Jacob told me you knew.”

“I knew about the double date, and Claire only told me about it once we got to the arena and she knew I wouldn’t pay for an uber back to my apartment with the traffic.” Riley replied, looking ahead of them just as Jacob and Claire seemed to be hiding the fact they took a quick glance behind them. “So I’m sorry if I made you feel bad.”

Matthew laughed and the first thing Riley noticed was his smile. He hadn’t smiled at the bar, not a full one– just a smirky smile, which at the time she thought that maybe was his trick into getting girls to think he’d had feelings for them or was interested in them.

He has a really nice smile.

“Trust me, nothing you could say would make me feel bad,” he replied, shrugging his shoulders. “Between the chirps between my brother and sister– hell, my parents too and then the stuff online, I’ve got some pretty thick skin.”

“Oh yeah, professional hockey player, I forgot,” Riley laughed softly, hugging her arms closer to her again as they caught up to Jacob and Claire and stepped into the garage within the Saddledome where players and employees of the team alike, parked.

“Okay so here’s the thing,” Claire said, clasping her hands together and looking up at Jacob before looking back at her and Matthew. “We forgot we promised to facetime into a call to Jacob’s family. His sister’s got some news to share and wanted everyone to be on a call.”

Riley’s jaw dropped as she stared at her sister, who conveniently was avoiding her gaze. “Claire–”

“But it’s still pretty early so you guys feel free to grab some coffee or a drink, hang out and get to know each other. Just because it’s not a double date, doesn’t mean it still can’t be a date,” Claire smiled, finally looking over in her direction only to be greeted with an ‘I know you had this planned all along’ look from her sister. “Matthew, I trust you to get my sister back to her apartment safely? Or you can just take her back to your place–”

“Claire!” Riley spoke through gritted teeth, blinking obviously at her sister who was already dragging Jacob away from them both.

“Text me in the morning! Have a good night!” Claire smiled, waving at the both of them as Jacob followed behind, he too lifted a large arm to wave his hand in the air.

Riley watched helplessly as they got into his car, turning around to face Matthew once she heard the sound of an engine start. “I am…so, so sorry for that.” She scoffed softly, shaking her head in disbelief. “Claire’s pretty straightforward, but I promise I had no idea she was going to do that. You really don’t have to feel obligated to take me home or anything.”

“It’s fine,” Matthew replied, shaking his head as he pulled his hand out of his pocket and holding onto his keys. “I can take you home if you want to go.”

She felt guilty, partly because she was so embarrassed to have been blatantly left there by her sister and the other half because she knew this isn’t what Matthew had signed up for at all. He was expecting a double date, a double date where the girl knew who she was going out with. He didn’t sign up for a surprise double date or to have said double date crash and then be left with possibly no date and to take his stranded date home.

“If it’s not too much?” Riley finally spoke, feeling uncomfortable with her own guilt. “I promise I don’t live too far away. I’m actually only about five minutes away from where Jacob and Claire live if you know it?”

“I know it,” he nodded, motioning again for her to start walking as he walked beside her. “Claire’s quite the host when it comes to team stuff. The Thanksgiving they held at their place this year was pretty fun. Though, you weren’t there I don’t think.”

“That’s right, I forgot she did that,” Riley nodded in reply. “I went home since I didn’t have any classes, but I remember her saying she and a few others were going to do something. But yeah, Claire’s quite the hostess. Life of the party even.”

“She’s something,” Matthew nodded, quickening his pace just a little before coming to a stop by a black Audi SUV and opening the passenger door. “I started the car once we entered the garage, so it should be warmer here.”

“Oh,” Riley was caught off guard. Despite the action itself being bottom of the barrel of what men were expected to do, Riley truly couldn’t remember the last time any date she had, had opened any door for her…not just a car door. “Thank you.”

Matthew just nodded in reply and waited for her to get into the car before he checked to make sure her feet or her purse weren’t hanging out so he could close the door. And though he could’ve taken his time to walk around, she watched him walk around the back of his car with a sort of urgency, not leaving her alone inside for long before he was opening the driver door and ducking into the car.

He fiddled with the radio for a bit before picking up an aux cord and offering it up to her. “You’re more than welcome to have the aux. I’m not all too picky with music.”

“Are you sure?” Riley asked, looking at him to see if she could spot any sign of him changing his mind.

“Absolutely, you can have it,” he said, handing the cord over.

Riley took it from his hand and plugged it into her phone, unlocking it and opening her music library. “Any requests?”

“Just whatever you want to play,” he said, looking away from her as he put his seatbelt on and then put his car into reverse.

She felt nervous sitting there in his car and she didn’t know if it was because she was sitting in the car of someone who was basically a stranger to her, or because of the kind of date setting. It took everything in her not to physically move in her seat to try to get the nerves out, so instead she just endlessly scrolled through her music library, not even picking a song.

“My family and I play this game when it comes to what songs to play, that way there’s not one person who’s picking all the songs,” she said, breaking the silence as she looked at him.

“What’s that?” He asked, sneaking a look at her before maintaining his focus on backing out of his parking spot to eventually straighten up and leave the garage.

“We each took turns picking a letter and a number. Whatever letter someone picks, you’ll scroll down to the number they picked and then that’s the song.”

“Okay, I got it,” Matthew nodded, looking at her as he pulled out of the garage. “B 163.”

Riley stared at him, blinking once or twice. “In what universe would you ever think I have 163 songs that start with the letter B?”

“I don’t know, I just went with a random mix,” he shrugged, looking at her. “So do you?”

“Maybe.” She knew she did. So she just bit back the smile that was trying to reveal her cards and looked back down at her phone, scrolling to the B’s and then starting to count.

Matthew pulled out into the street as she reached 90 and saw she was passing some pretty great songs, and made mental notes of what numbers they were…which was technically cheating, but her brother did it all the time.

158…right? Wait yeah 158…159….160….161….162….Oh no.

This could either go one of two ways– he could hear the song and enjoy it, or he could look at her like she was just a 12-year-old who never grew up and speed the entire way to drop her off at her own apartment, just so he could get her out of the car.

Wait? Isn’t that what she wanted?

Not wasting another moment, she took a deep breath and pressed the song, closing her eyes to prepare for whatever critique Matthew was going to hurl her way.

She looked at him from the corner of her eye as the piano started to play from the speakers, only giving him a second of instrumental before the vocals picked up and giving away just what song was playing.

“We’re soarin’, flyin’, there’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach. If we’re tryin’, so we’re breaking free…”

“Is this High School Musical?” He smiled, looking at her as they pulled up to a stoplight.

“Yeah,” she replied, smiling sheepishly as she rubbed her arm. “My music library’s kind of all over the place and sometimes I like listening to the old Disney classics.”

He laughed, nodding his head as he reached out and turned the volume dial up just a little. “I remember watching this when it came out. I was always a hockey player, but that’s when I discovered that maybe I wasn’t exactly a basketball player.”

“Oh God, why can I see you dressed up as Troy Bolton for Halloween?” Riley laughed, looking at him.

Matthew’s face scrunched up as she shook his head. “Oh hell no, never. I was always a hockey player for Halloween, never the same one unless it was my Dad. But my brother and I switched each year on who got to be him.” He looked over at her with that same smirk from the bar. “But I do know the words to the song.”

“Go on then,” Riley smiled, motioning towards the radio. “Sing it.”

Matthew cleared his throat as he turned the music down just barely, as if the difference in volume would make a difference in whether or not she’d be able to hear him sing. “We’re soarin’, flyin’, there’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach. If we’re tryin’, yeah we’re breaking free–”

“Okay, no, no,” Riley laughed, reaching out and turning the volume way down as Matthew laughed. “I’m sorry, but I can not have you butchering the musical stylings of Troy and Gabriella like that.”

“Hey, I’m not that bad of a singer!”

“Yeah, it’s cute that you try.”

The car rolled to a stop as the song continued to play quietly, Matthew tapping his fingers on the top of his steering wheel and chewing the inside of his cheek as he stared ahead at the red light, waiting for it to turn green. “I normally stay up a little bit after games because it takes me some time to wind down, and the coffee shop I usually go to is on the way to your apartment…” He looked at her, and even Riley wasn’t oblivious to the nerves written all over his face. “Would you want to stop and grab something to drink maybe?”

“I could go for a hot chocolate or something,” Riley nodded, looking at him.

“Okay, cool,” Matthew smiled, looking back towards the light as it turned green and kept driving.

It turns out that the coffee shop Matthew had mentioned, was only a few blocks up ahead from where they had been. They were closing soon and Matthew asked if she would be okay with staying in the car while he went to grab their drinks, just so she didn’t have to walk out into the cold January air. He stayed nearby, making sure she locked it once he had left and then Riley watched through the passenger window as he walked into the coffee shop with the same urgency as he had when he walked around his car.

She knew of Matthew only because of living in the city of Calgary who took their hockey very seriously. Plus, her sister was dating their goalie and Riley had tagged along to some events and nights out with the girlfriends and wives of players. Most importantly, his dad was treasured back home in her hometown of St. Louis, having played there during the years where she and her family had gone to games. But never in her entire life had she crossed paths with Matthew or his family– not until she moved to Calgary, not until Claire started dating Jacob, and most definitely not until last week at the bar or this moment right now sitting in his car, waiting for him to come back with their hot drinks. 

Riley saw Matthew place money in a tip jar before turning back around with two drinks in hand. Once she saw he was at her door, she rolled the window down to take the drinks from him and placed them into the cupholder before unlocking the car so he could get back into the car. 

“So I know I said I’d take you home, but can I show you something first?” He asked, picking up one of the drinks and handing it to her. “They’re both hot chocolate by the way, so you don’t have to take this one.”

“No it’s fine,” she replied, taking the cup. “And I mean…sure? I guess I’m not really all that tired right now.”

“Cool. I promise it’s not too far, it’s actually just around the corner,” he smiled, putting the car into park and peeling into the street before continuing to drive.

She sat in the passenger seat, sipping on her hot chocolate as Matthew continued the drive, eventually pulling into the parking garage of an apartment complex that Riley had considered moving into herself shortly before moving out of her and Claire’s shared apartment. They drove up to the second level before finally finding a spot, Matthew pulling into it and putting the car into park.

“It’s just a little bit of a walk, but not much, I promise,” Matt said, looking at her before opening his car door and getting out.

Riley followed suit, making sure she had her phone, purse and hot chocolate before closing the passenger door and walking towards the end of the car. “I actually considered moving here a year ago.”

“Really?” Matthew asked, standing by the trunk and waiting for her to be beside him before they started walking. “Too bad you didn’t. Maybe we could’ve been neighbors.”

Riley snorted, shaking her head as she took a long sip of her hot chocolate. “That’s doubtful. I don’t have NHL money.”

Matthew stopped just ahead of her and stood in her way, holding out his hand and motioning for her. “Here, put this on,” he held his coat out as he nodded at her drink in her hand. “I’ll hold your drink.”

“Oh, it’s really no–”

“I’ve at least got a long sleeve shirt and a jacket on to keep me warm, you’ve got…whatever kind of sweater that is.” He moved the winter coat again, “just take it, you’ll need it I promise.”

Instead of arguing with him, Riley just sighed and nodded and handed over her hot chocolate before taking the black winter coat he’d had draped over his arm at the arena, unfolding it and putting it on, buttoning only the middle button so it wouldn’t stay open. “There, I’m a little warmer now.”

“Good, because Claire would kill me if I let you freeze to death I’m sure.” He replied, handing her back her drink before nodding his head back. “Come on, I’ll take you to what I wanted to show you.”

“As long as I’m in my own bed by midnight and you’re not going to turn me into the next inspiration for a Criminal Minds episode when they come back with their reboot, then okay.”

She walked alongside him as he scanned a key fob to get into the building, once again Matthew holding the door open for her and allowing her to walk in first before following just behind her and nodding his head to his left. “The elevator right here.”

“So what’s this thing you want to show me?” She asked, waiting for him to close the door behind him.

“It’s a surprise,” he replied, making sure the door closed behind him before walking over and nodding at the elevator button. “You should feel special because I don’t show this spot to just anyone.” He looked at her with that same playful smirk.

Riley pressed the button, signaling for the elevator to come to the floor they were on and when the double doors opened, they both walked into the elevator, Matthew pressing the close doors button as well as the button at the top of them all that had only say T. As the elevator started to move, Riley leisurely sipped on her hot chocolate, Matthew doing the same as they waited for the elevator to come to a stop.

“I’m not sleeping with you,” she chimed, the words she meant to say earlier when he brought up going somewhere else instead of taking her right home, finally coming out. “I meant what I said about being back in my own bed by midnight.” 

“Relax,” he laughed, rolling his eyes. “My mom raised me right, you know.”

“Oh, so you’re telling me you’ve never had a one night stand? Mr. makes a million dollars a year, basically the face of a franchise and NHL player?” Her voice dripped with sarcasm as she brought the cup back up to her lips.

When the elevator stopped and the doors opened, Matthew stepped towards the doors, holding his arm out in front of them and waving for her to walk through. “Actually I’m earning nine million this year,” he replied, tilting his head to the side as he took a sip of his hot chocolate and sighing. “And I’m hardly the face of a franchise, that’s Johnny. And no, I didn’t say that, just come on will you?”

She followed his directions, stepping off of the elevator and back out into the cold January air. “Where are we?” She asked, holding her hot chocolate closer to her chest as she heard the elevator doors close behind her.

“I found it when I moved in,” he said, nodding at her to follow him as he started to walk away from the elevator and down the wheelchair ramp. “The owner of the complex doesn’t advertise it when people check into living here, mainly because it has no standing on the rent.”

There were small posts that hung garden lights from around them, dimly lighting the space they were on. As Riley looked around, she noticed a different variety of lounge chairs– the kinds you could find in gardens, on front porches or even poolside. She could see off to their left, was what looked to be a small garden, though again the light that the garden lights hung around the seating area didn’t really show all that much. She could, however, see the fire pit that sat in the center of all of the chairs, letting her know that this must be some kind of hang out spot for the complex. Maybe if she had looked deeper into this complex when she was searching for a new apartment, she might’ve known about it.

“Over there’s a small community garden, I think there’s a few vegetables and spices, but really it’s only flowers. I asked the owner about it when I came up here one day after drunk pressing the wrong floor and he said he puts a place like this on all of his properties, in memory of his wife who died of breast cancer because she loved to garden.” Matthew walked away from the garden and just passed some of the chairs before coming to a stop on the other side of the rooftop, where there were no dim garden lights. “The whole terrace is supposed to be a kind of place where people can come out and relax, clear their minds, you know? But I’ve never seen anyone come up here.”

“Maybe because it’s cold,” Riley said, walking up next to him and leaning her arms against the ledge of the terrace.

Matthew rolled his eyes and rested his hot chocolate on the ledge. “You don’t say?”

“Just pointing out the obvious is all,” she smiled, taking another sip of her hot chocolate as she looked towards the other side of the terrace. “The idea of it is nice though, I like it. Plus the view,” she blew out a low whistle as she looked back out towards downtown Calgary. “It’s beautiful. I can only imagine what it looks like during the day.”

“I like it better at night,” Matthew replied, tapping his fingers against his cup as he shrugged. “It helps clear my mind a bit after games.”

“Only if you’re not going out with the boys, right?” She asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Right,” he laughed, nodding his head as he took a sip of his hot chocolate and shrugged. “It kind of reminds me of looking out of the airplane window when you’re flying at night, you know? Seeing all the lights from the buildings in the city you’re flying over and how there’s a whole city of people who are living their lives individually. It makes you realize just how big the world is.”

Riley let a few moments of silence pass as she let her cooling down hot chocolate cup try to warm up her hands before she nodded and looked at him. “Wow…that was deep for a hockey player.”

He laughed and shook his head as he kept his eyes out towards the cityscape, opening his mouth to say something, only to pause and stand up straight from his leaning stature, pointing ahead of him. “Wait, look!”

Riley raised an eyebrow as she looked out over the city lights and out towards the far away, dark horizon. “What?”

“This is going to sound ridiculous, but I swear I saw a shooting star,” Matthew kept his gaze out ahead of him for a few more seconds before he let his hand drop and he looked at her. “Like…no bullshit it moved.”

“Orrrrr,” she dragged out, looking at him. “Maybe it was an airplane.”

“Moving that fast? Really?”

“You never know with guys like Elon Musk trying to build crazy shit and defy the inevitable every second of every day,” she replied, bringing her cup back up to her lips as she turned back towards the city.

Matthew let the silence settle between them, though she could still feel his gaze on her and his body being turned towards her as well. “You’re a lot different than your sister…”

“Says you and every other person who’s walked into our lives.” Riley shrugged, holding her cup with both hands. “Claire’s a lot more…hopeful, she likes to see the petter picture of options and I’m more–”

“Of a cynical bitch?” Riley almost choked on her sip of air, rather than hot chocolate seeing as she hadn’t tipped her cup far enough yet, and when she looked at Matthew, he was looking at her with wide eyes. “Sorry…are we not at that level of friendship yet?”

This time she laughed as she placed her cup down onto the ledge and nodded. “Actually, I was going to say the same thing.”

“So…why is that?” He asked, reaching out and gripping his fingers onto the concrete ledge as he leaned himself backwards, almost as if he was stretching his arms. “You guys are what? Only a little over a year apart?”

“You said you have a brother right?” She asked, as he nodded in reply. “Are you and your brother the same person?”

“Well…kind of?” He replied, shrugging. “But he can get a little more crazy than me. Plus he’s got that whole middle child thing going on, so he always needs to be the center of attention.”

“Hey, I’m a middle child,” Riley faked offense, reaching out and nudging his arm.

“You said it, not me.” Matthew smiled, tilting his head to the side. “But really…siblings having their individual personalities aside…you guys aren’t that far apart in age, so I guess I just figured you’d be a little bit alike, you know”

“I don’t know,” Riley took a deep breath and sighed as she shrugged her shoulders and looked at him. “Claire will say it’s because of my Junior year prom date standing me up and going to prom with his ex-girlfriend– why are you doing that?”

“Doing what?” He asked, trying to fight back the knowing smirk that was already present on his face.

“Smirking,” she said, turning her body towards him and waving at his face. “You’re smirking and nodding like you just figured something out.”

“More like figured you out,” he replied, pulling himself closer to the ledge before letting go of the concrete and bringing his arms into his chest as he rested them on the ledge and leaned against them. “And I don’t think you’re as cynical as you think or want people to think you are. I just think you’re scared.”

“Yeah, well, you don’t know me.”

“No,” he replied, looking over at her. “But I’d like to…get to know you.”

Riley squinted as she held her arms closer to her and leaned against the ledge, almost copying him. “Why?”

“Well for one, I think it’s cool we’re from the same city–”

“Technically state, because you’re from boujee Chesterfield.”

“And second…I think you’re funny and I definitely liked how you were at the club.”

“Ohhhh,” Riley smiled, nodding at him. “So you liked how I didn’t fall for your little pick up routine, right? Let me guess…you like the challenge?”

Matthew didn’t smile or put that smirk on like she thought he would, like most men would the moment the challenge of picking up a woman was brought up. Instead he just stuck out his bottom lip partially and shrugged. “I don’t see you as a challenge because you’re a person…but you’ve piqued my interest and I’d like to get to know you better. Plus your sister’s dating my teammate so.”

Riley turned back towards him and leaned her left arm on the railing. “Well I hate to break it to you Matthew, but I really don’t see this happening. Relationships and I don’t really do well–”

“Oh? So you admit it?” He asked, raising both eyebrows as he turned towards her. “You want a relationship?”

“I– no, that’s not–” Riley huffed in frustration as soon as she saw him smile and then rolled her eyes in an effort to keep her own smile at bay. “Fine.”

“Fine what?”

“I’ll let you consider this our first date,” she replied, nodding at him before curling her upper lip slightly. “Though it’s not looking too good that you spent the first near two hours of our date smashing other guys into boards, plus the extra thirty minutes of waiting after…and not to mention you didn’t even give me a puck.”

Matthew laughed, a deep, belly laugh as he head leaned back just slightly before nodding and looking at her. “Okay, so I’ll have to make the second date better then. Don’t worry, I got it.”

“Wow. Already giving up on this one that you think it’s going to end badly? What? Afraid I’ll tell my sister how bad of a kisser you are when you try to kiss me tonight?”

That stupid smirk returned as he stood himself up straight and turned to her. Riley wanted to do nothing more than to kiss it off of his stupid lips and by the way he looked at her, he knew it too. “That’s the thing, I’m not kissing you tonight. Come on, let me take you home.”

“And why not?” Riley’s eyebrows furrowed as she grabbed her hot chocolate and followed behind him back towards the chairs. “Am I not kissable?”

He laughed again, finishing off his hot chocolate before tossing it into the trashcan, holding the slot open for her as she finished what remained of hers and tossed it in as well. “Oh no, you’re definitely kissable and I’m fighting every urge right now not to kiss you.” He led them up to the elevator and he pressed the button. “But my mom always taught me not to kiss on the first date.”

Riley hugged her arms closer to her, starting to feel the Calgary chill as the wind started to pick up. If she wasn’t so cold, she was sure that the shock of his statement would be frozen all over her face. Here he was, a 24-year-old bachelor living in a city that praised the ice he skated on. He’d had one night stands, he told her that, and yet she wouldn’t…couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact Matthew Tkachuk…didn’t kiss on the first date?

“I-well..that’s…” she paused, unsure of how to play off her shock despite her already failing so miserably to do so. “Sweet.”

Matthew smiled, nodding his head. “And if you let me take you home so you don’t freeze to death, I guarantee you’ll learn more about me on our second date…and maybe get a kiss at the end of that too.”

Riley scoffed, shaking her head and standing up straight as the elevator doors opened. “I’m not cold.”

“Say that to the shivering sound of your teeth when you were doubting my shooting star,” he reached out and rested his hand on the small of her back, nudging her into the warmth of the elevator first, keeping it there as he walked into the elevator himself, removing it once they were both inside of the elevator and he pressed the button of the floor they needed to go to and her back pressed against the elevator wall.

It didn’t matter though. She felt the warmth of his hand against her skin through both his jacket and her flimsy sweater the rest of the elevator ride, the car ride back to her apartment and when she was lying in her own bed.

At 11:59.

DAY 43 – FEBRUARY 12TH, 2022 [ IT'S OFFICIAL ]

How the hell did I get here?

That’s a question Riley found herself asking herself anytime that she woke up in Matthew’s apartment. Whether that was on his couch or in his bed, she always wondered. And the question wasn’t asked in a “I got too drunk last night how the hell did I get here” way, it was more of a “how the hell did I end up waking up in the apartment of a man, most of the time not hungover or after a wild night out– but instead after receiving the text of ‘just landed, not tired, feel like coming over to watch a movie?’” Kind of way.

Only a handful of times in the last three weeks has she found herself waking up in his apartment with her head throbbing, her mouth dry from drinking and the taste of her drunken meal lingering in her morning breath. The rest of the time she’s woken up from falling asleep on the couch watching a movie or a show one of his teammates or his friends from home or his siblings suggested he watched, waking up in his bed curled up beneath his heavy comforter with her head sharing the space with his on his all-time favorite pillow.

But no matter how she ended up at his apartment or the circumstances behind how she fell asleep and where, the two things that were consistent every single time, were her wearing one of his shirts and that she always woke up with his arms wrapped around her. Unless, like this morning, he somehow woke up before her and she was greeted to an empty bed. But the smell of food and the sound of running water and pans clinking echoing from behind his closed bedroom door told her exactly where he was and what he was doing.

Riley got out of bed, turning towards the mattress and making her side of the bed up and looking up to see that he had already done it, even though he’s always made a joke at how the first thing she does when she wakes up in the morning is make the bed– even if he’s still in it. She walked over to his dresser, opening the third drawer which she knew had his gym shorts in it and pulled out a black pair before closing the drawer and then putting the shorts on, rolling the waistband once before opening his bedroom door and walking out into his apartment, immediately seeing him standing in his kitchen by the stove, his back facing her.

She walked over, feeling the cool of the wooden floor beneath her feet as she made her way through both the living room and dining room and into the kitchen, the tile even colder. She came up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and standing up on her toes to rest her chin on his shoulder. “Whatcha doing?”

“Well good morning sleeping beauty,” Matt laughed, looking at her and lifting his right arm up to let her move under it so she was resting against his side. “I didn’t think you’d be getting up for another hour.”

“Mm, I smelled breakfast,” she smiled, looking up at him and leaning up to kiss him before turning back  and snuggling into his side. “Which I assume you’re making for yourself?”

“Ha ha, no,” he replied, rolling his eyes as he carefully switched the spatula from his right hand to his left and flipped the omelet. “I was actually going to surprise you with breakfast in bed. But seeing as you’re awake now, do you think you can go ahead and crack the eggs and scramble them for me so I can make mine once yours is done?”

“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “I kind of like the idea of breakfast in bed, sounds super romantic actually. Almost–” she paused as the word froze in her throat. Domesticated. ‘Almost domesticated’ is what she was going to say, but she couldn’t…wouldn’t, really.

Sure, it’s already been almost three weeks since that failed blind double date, turned…sort of first date for her and Matthew and maybe by now, especially with as often as they talked and how much time they spent together between her classes and his schedule, including just how many times post game they tagged along to a late dinner with Claire and Jacob or another player and their significant other…they never had a talk about being official. A “what are we” conversation has definitely happened, Matthew first brought it up one month in, stating that he didn’t want to just be a hook-up, but also wasn’t sure if he wanted a relationship yet and her stance was the same. The conversation ended with no solid answer, but they both decided to continue with…whatever this was anyway.

Because then, she wasn’t quite sure what she wanted. A relationship was…a possibility in the cards, but at that point in time it didn’t feel like she could truly open herself up to one, especially one with him. Yet here she was, almost two months later and the word ‘domesticated’ almost came out of her mouth to describe the very action Matthew was doing– making them breakfast.

And for the first time since high school, she wanted to be in a relationship. More importantly, she wanted to be in one with him…but she’d gone along with not wanting a relationship he brought up first, so maybe it would be best to just play along with whatever they were doing until Matthew changed his mind.

And hopefully he changed his mind.

“Riles?”

“Hm?” She asked, shaking her head slightly before looking up at him.

“The eggs?”

“Oh, yeah, sure,” she nodded, unwrapping her arms from his waist and walking over to the fridge.

“Did I lose you there for a second?” He laughed, flipping the omelet again before picking up the pan and tilting it, letting the omelete slide onto the plate. “You kinda paused there.”

“Oh no,  just…brain fart, you know?” She laughed, grabbing two more eggs from the fridge before closing it, walking behind him and to his left where the bowl he’d previously used was. “I was just going to say that it was almost enough to make me really like you is all.”

Matthew snorted, nodding his head as he sprayed the pan again with some pam. “So what does that mean? You only like me?”

Riley looked over her right shoulder with a playful smile and shrugged. “Eh.”

“Eh?” He mimicked, shaking his head. “Does this mean I can cancel our having no plans and go out and catch up with the rest of the guys out at the simulated golf course today?”

She immediately turned around, eyes wide as she shook her head. “Wait no, you said we could just stay in today and relax since we’re going to that big super bowl party tomorrow,” she started to pout as he walked over to her, taking the eggs from her hands. “We were supposed to start One Tree Hill today.”

Matthew cracked an egg and dropped it into the bowel before tossing the shell into the sink, shrugging as he pouted. “Eh.”

“Matthew–” Riley barely spoke before he looked at her with that stupid smirk that always made her stomach fill with butterflies. He was never going to cancel their day in, he was only messing with her. She nudged him away, taking the remaining egg back and cracking it into the bowl. “You suck.”

He leaned in and kissed her cheek while simultaneously taking the bowl from her and handing her the plate with her omelete on it. “Eat your breakfast, I’ve already got the bread in the toaster so all you’ll need to do it toast it and butter it.”

Riley walked over to the toaster, pushing down the slots and then left her plate in front of it before moving just a little way over and pulling herself up onto the counter. “So…”

She paused again as she stared at the back of him, adding the cheese and spinach into his omelete. Again, she was asking herself the same ‘how the hell did I get here?’ Question that she’s been asking herself for weeks now. How, in the actual hell, did she go from cynical, romance is gross, jokingly telling Claire and Jacob to at least warn her before they were going to kiss in her presence, never getting the big hype about rom-com movies…to this? To waking up in bed with Matthew in mornings after nights where sometimes all they did was lounge on the couch and watch a new Netflix suggestion? To knowing her way around his apartment like she did her own? She had products in his shower, his clothes were hers, she kept a pair of shoes over here, he had almond milk in the fridge for her and her favorite cereal mingled in with his own. To him making her breakfast and planning on greeting her in bed with it?

It almost felt surreal, her entire situation. How did it all happen so fast, practically In the blink of an eye– like all of the rom-com’s Claire loved to watch every weekend– and she never even noticed it?

“Sooo?” Matthew echoed, bringing her back into reality as he looked over his shoulder. “Care to finish that thought?”

“I was just going to ask if you were prepared to enjoy the amazing, legendary show of One Tree Hill? And also that you can’t watch it without me, because I need to see your reaction to the most pinnacle stuff.”

“Is it really that legendary if I’ve never heard of it?” He asked, raising an eyebrow as he looked over at her.

Riley rolled her eyes as their pieces of toast popped up. “Considering your only interests in life when the show was on air was hockey and oh wait…hockey!” She nudged herself off of the counter and smiled at him. “I would be surprised if you have heard of it.”

“Hey, I like to think that interest in hockey paid off, hm?” He said, turning the stove off before placing his omelete onto his plate.

“All I know is that if you’re on the wrong Scott’s brother team, I don’t know if we can be friends,” she said, taking the lid off of the butter and starting to butter the pieces of toast.

“Ouch, first I’m demoted to like and now we might not be friends?” He playfully scoffed as she put the toast onto his plate and cut it. “I guess I better not mess this up huh?” He whispered into her ear before kissing her temple and then grabbing both of their plates just as she put her toast onto her own. “Now come on, we’ve got hill trees to watch.”

“Tree Hill!” She groaned, taking the butter and putting it into the fridge. “It’s called One Tree Hill!”

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, shooting her a smile over his shoulder. “Now come on, it’s time to start our day of relaxing.”

And they did. They had breakfast together, starting season one, episode one of One Tree Hill at 10:30 am…and almost twelve hours later and every bathroom break, pause to answer a question and door dash delivery in between…they were on season one, episode eighteen with five more episodes left of the first season.

For Riley, it was one of her personal favorite episodes– the Boy Toy charity auction episode– and despite Matthew thinking (and complaining) it was because of Nathan Scott walking out onto the stage and taking off his jacket to reveal ‘boy toy’ written across his very impressive abs– “I might not have a six pack but I’m better.” “He’s Nathan Scott…”– it was actually because of the growth Nathan shows and then the development of the lives of the other characters and the relationships.

Still…Nathan Scott shirtless also wasn’t that bad of a sight.

But right there on the couch was where they spent their entire day, lounging around in different positions unless it came to eating food, then they both sat up, but once they were done they went back down into whatever position they’d been lying in prior. And right now, the position they were lying in and had been lying in for the better half of the last two episodes since they finished dinner, had them both sharing the chaise of Matthew’s sectional sofa. Matthew was laying the full length of it, while Riley was too, except she had her head rested in his lap and her body curled up as she laid on her right side, her head resting on his right thigh where his hands had been alternating between playing with her hair or just simply running his fingers through it.

The fact that their entire day had been spent lounging around together and more specifically, that small action of him playing with her hair, wasn’t helping her brain to keep from focusing on the domestic dilemma they were in…or maybe it was just her, because Matthew looked like he had nothing going on except for everything in the moment. The dire need to know just what exactly their situation was, was bouncing around in her head so much, that she had completely missed the last five minutes of the episode, not realizing it until she felt him reach out with his right hand to grab the remote beside him.

‘What are we doing?” She asked, looking up at him.

“Um…watching the next episode of One Tree Hill?” He replied, looking confused as he paused the tv. “Unless you don’t want to?”

She felt her face heat up at the bluntness of her question without any context and Matthew must have been able to tell she was embarrassed about something, because he motioned for her to move closer to him as he sat himself up against the back of the couch. Riley felt like a puppy with its tail between its legs as she pushed herself up and carefully moved so not to lean too much against his lap, and ended up laying down between him and the arm of the couch.

“Are you tired? Do you want to go to bed?” He asked, nodding towards the tv. ��Or did I completely misread your question?”

“I mean…I wasn’t really all that straightforward with what I meant,” she spoke nervously, her left hand resting on the material of his t-shirt and playing with the ripples in the fabric.

“I’m still not sure what we’re talking about here…” He replied, his eyebrows furrowing as he rolled the remote in his hand.

Riley took a deep breath and exhaled, pushing herself up onto her right hand as she leaned back against the arm rest. “I know…we talked about how this isn’t really an exclusive hook-up situation, but you also don’t know if you want a relationship right now and I don’t know. I have products in your bathroom, I keep an extra pair of shoes here, you’ve got some stuff at my place.”

She looked up from her twiddling hands and sighed, shrugging her shoulders. “I guess I just want to know what we are, because Claire’s got a big mouth and no doubt has told them something or referred to you as my boyfriend and I just really need to know what to tell my parents and well…everyone else when they ask…I guess?”

Matthew just stared at her and every passing second felt like it was dragging on and the longer he stayed silent, the more embarrassed she felt and wanted to play it off as if she was just sleep talking- though she knew that he wouldn’t believe it for a second.

“Okay,” he cleared his throat, readjusting his posture as he tried to turn his body more towards her. “I mean…I was going to wait till after Valentine’s Day to ask if you wanted to make it more official, because I know you hate Valentine’s Day–”

“I don’t hate Valentine’s Day,” Riley scoffed, rolling her eyes. “I just think it can be super cheesy sometimes, plus the whole,” she waved her hand aimlessly, “going all out on one day of the year and putting half-assed effort into a relationship the other 364 days is dumb.”

Matthew held back a smile as he looked at her. “Wanna date?”

Her face deadpanned as she looked at the now beaming Matthew, her heart racing within her chest. “Really? You ask like that?”

“Just kidding, but I’m also dead serious,” he replied, dropping the remote in his lap as he held onto one of her hands. “I’ve been really enjoying…whatever this has been the last two months, and I know I said I wasn’t sure if I was ready for a relationship…but I’m pretty sure now that I do. So do you want to change this,” he motioned between them with his free hand before resting his left arm back over the back of the couch. “Into us dating…officially?”

Now Riley was the one who sat there staring at him, only her mouth was slightly opened and the word, though she was dying to say it, sat there frozen on the tip of her tongue. “Riles? Now would uh…be a good time to answer?”

“Yeah?” She finally replied, before nodding her head as an unsure look crossed his face. “Yes, I mean yes.”

Matthew smiled and leaned in, pressing her against the arm of the couch as he kissed her before pulling back and looking at her. “I was going to do this the whole romantic way, you know? Flowers, chocolates, take you out to a nice dinner and I know you’re not a big fan of it, but will you also be my Valentine?”

Riley playfully scoffed as she rolled her eyes, leaning forward and pressing her nose against his. “If I must.” She kissed him again before pulling away and then patting his thigh. “Now back to One Tree Hill, we’ve got four more episodes and then we’ve finished season one.”

“Four?” He sighed, leaning his head back as she crawled back between his legs, laying back to where she was before. “We’re sleeping on the couch tonight aren’t we?”

She looked back at him with a smile and shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time. Besides, we have no plans until the afternoon, we’ll get some sleep.”

Matthew picked the remote back up and started the next episode before resting it back down onto the couch beside him. He reached forward, tugging on the blanket that she was using and making sure she was covered up enough before she felt him sink back down into the couch. Riley tried hard not to let the butterflies she was feeling in her stomach turn into her own self feeling antsy as she laid there thinking about the reactions of Claire and the rest of the WAGs tomorrow when they found out that Matthew and she had finally decided to date. And then she couldn’t stop her mind from spiraling about her parents, other friends, would things change between them or would the relaxing hangouts feel like more needed to be happening? All of this was so new to her. The last time she had a “boyfriend” was in seventh grade– and who really counted those? That wasn’t this– this was so different, this was–

And as if he knew she was starting to spiral inside of her own head, Matthew started to play with her hair again, alternating between running his fingers through her hair or rubbing her hair back and out of her forehead. Soon, the worried thoughts about what their current relationship would, should or could turn into and she felt her body relax into the couch and into Matthew as she watched the show on the tv in front of them. And when her body relaxed, her eyes did too and she found it hard to keep them open long enough to retain what was actually taking place.

She’d seen One Tree Hill all the way through multiple times, so she knew all about what happened in this episode. But it was the thought of experiencing it for the first time with Matthew that kept making her open her eyes despite the time in between getting longer and longer each time. But when she felt Matthew tug the blanket up just over her shoulders, brush the hair away from her face and lean down and kiss her temple, before sitting back up. She half expected him to pause the show and switch it to something else since she knew he wasn’t really all that tired.

Yet the last thing she remembered hearing was Nathan telling Haley he fell in love with her, meaning he had stuck with watching the episode even after he knew she’d stopped paying attention. And she could’ve sworn she heard the all too familiar opening of Gavin Degraw’s “I Don’t Want to Be” right before she really fell asleep, and the feeling of Matthew’s fingers still playing in her hair.

Calming the rapidness of the butterflies in her stomach’s wings…to nothing but a small flutter, leaving her feeling all warm inside.

DAY 69 – MARCH 10TH, 2022 [ ARGUMENTS AND LATE NIGHT APOLOGIES ]

In both aspects, it would be right to say that just like their relationship, things were picking up fast in their day to day lives. For Riley, the end of her final semester of college was only two some months away and she found her days filled with coffee, power naps, study sessions with her classmates or Kelsey, papers and of course, Calgary Flames home games. For Matthew, the end of the season was approaching fast and it was he and everyone of his teammate’s mission to make it into the postseason after missing out the year before. This year felt like maybe they could do it, find the redemption from the 2020 bubble playoffs where they imploded.

Yet despite the chaos going on in their lives, everything in regards to their relationship felt almost too good to be true. Riley found herself staying over at Matthew’s apartment more often than her own, and on the nights when she would leave campus late and was too tired to make the drive to his, he’d drive over to hers and stay with her. They’d cook dinner together or order take-out, talk about their days and listen as the other vented about whatever it was that was on their mind or bothering them, then they’d either watch tv and fall asleep on the couch or go find some sort of solace in a bedroom.

Tonight was going to be the same as the last two weeks as well. Riley would go to class while Matthew went to morning skate, he’d go through his daily routine while she stayed on campus for other classes and hiding away in the library to try her best to knock out her homework and get a little more of her paper down. Then she’d meet up with Claire and Kelsey at Claire’s apartment and then they’d go to Saddledome for the game. It felt like any other night, really– but Matthew was stressing, despite Riley telling him that he didn’t need to.

“We’re playing Tampa, Riles. Everyone expects them to win because they’re back to back cup champs. It’s a big game.” Was what he said anytime over the phone or in text that she told him he just needed to relax and play his game.

Kelsey had left the library an hour earlier than planned so she could go home and have a dinner with Oscar before he left for the arena. While Riley stayed back in the reserved study room, stressing over her paper when she got an email from her professor that was sent to their entire class talking about how they needed to make an office appointment with her to present a second rough draft of their oral presentation.

The most important presentation of her life that she absolutely needed to pass in order to pass her Capstone and achieve her degree.

She probably should have left then. Followed the advice that she’d been giving Matthew for the last few hours and gone to her apartment to relax. Instead, she stayed in the study room and tried to balance her focus between her paper and her presentation. Her focus was by no means balanced evenly between the two, considering she spent a nice fifteen minute break in between crying over the stress before diving back into her notes and trying to wrap up her paper…and then the yawns came, which was maybe another time she should’ve decided to go home and rest before the game.

But she did was she always did whenever she found herself getting tired while studying. She set a short alarm to wake her up in ten minutes, the perfect power nap, and then she’d finish whatever she could before she’d leave for her apartment to get dressed and then meet up with Kelsey and Claire.

Except…that’s not how it happened. Instead of waking up ten minutes later, she woke up almost two hours later to her phone vibrating against the table and her face. She fully woke up the moment the call ended, practically jumping out of her seat when she saw the time and all of the notifications that she had from Matt, Claire and Kelsey. And then she saw the time.

The game had started 30 minutes ago.

She quickly collected all of her stuff and left the study room, rushing through the library while simultaneously ordering her uber to the arena, hoping that she’d get there with time to spare. Thankfully, she didn’t have to wait long for an uber before she was on her way to the stadium, digging through her purse for the family lanyard and ticket Matt had given her when she came home for lunch. And after begging the arena staff to let her bring her backpack in and she was willing to drop it off with security just as long as they’d let her bring it in– she was allowed to do it, but it took quite the convincing with the security managers.

By the time she reached the seats where she saw Claire, Kelsey and a few of the other WAGs sitting, she was out of breath, felt extremely disheveled and probably looked like she was crazy.

“Where the hell have you been?” Claire asked, her tone holding 

“I fell asleep in the study room, I’m sorry,” Riley replied, moving by Kelsey and sitting down between the two of them. “I just got here–”

“You missed the first two periods, but they’re getting ready to start the third so there’s still some game for you to watch.” Kelsey added, nodding towards the ice.

“How’s he doing?” Riley asked, looking at them both before looking up at the score. “And we’re winning three to one, so that’s great!”

“He’s had a few shots on goal, but other than that he got an assist on Johnny’s second goal,” Claire replied, as the arena lights started to dim. “So good, but I’m sure it’s not what he wants to be doing.”

Riley sat there and paid as best attention to the remainder of the game that she could, hoping that Matthew hadn’t noticed her lack of attendance earlier in the game and that if he did, by some slim chance then maybe he’d notice she was here now. Johnny scored another goal late in the third, getting himself a hat trick and giving the Flames an four to one lead, resulting in a Flames win the moment time ran out of the buzzer signaling the end of the game went off. She stayed with the group of women as they left their seats to make their way down to meet up with the boys. Kelsey stayed with her as she met up with one of the supervisors who had her backpack and grabbed it before finally making her way down beneath the stadium, making it just in time before any of the players made their way out of the locker room.

Jacob and Matthew both didn’t do any post-game media, so it wasn’t that long of a wait for them to come out of the locker room showered and dressed back in their suits. Despite the big win against the back-to-back Stanley Cup Champions, Matthew seemed a little more down than he usually was after a win and Riley couldn’t help but think maybe it was because he somehow knew she was late to the game, even after she promised that she would be there. She tried not to dwell too much on that thought, because she knew it was an accident but also because she didn’t want the situation to turn into something bigger just when things seemed to be going so well.

Oscar got stuck doing media, so Kelsey gave them the go ahead to leave without her since she would be waiting. The four of them walked together, making their way to the parking garage where eventually, they said their goodbyes to each other and got into their separate cars. The drive home was quiet, but Matthew, like every other time they rode in a car together, had his right hand rested on her thigh, which was the only thing keeping Riley from thinking that the car ride was quiet due to him being upset. It’d been a long day and they were both tired.

Once they reached Matthew’s apartment complex, the two of them made their way to his apartment, side by side but not hand in hand, still in silence. But over anything, at least the physical distance between them wasn’t great. Every once in a while, their shoulders would brush against each other– and it was weird that Riley was finding some sort of comfort in that since everything inside of her was telling her that clearly there was some tension that wasn’t due to the silence. Matthew stood in front of his apartment door, unlocking it and then walking in, Riley following in behind him and closing the door.

She was paying attention to what he was doing for the reason that if she was wrong, then she would take the jump and ask him if everything was okay. Because Matthew had a similar routine every time they came back to his apartment after a game. He’d hang his keys up on the wall, then walk past the kitchen and place his jacket onto the kitchen table before taking his shoes off and then walking into his room to change over. Only the moment that he tossed his keys onto the bar counter and continued to walk into his room, she knew obviously something was wrong.

Riley let some space settle between them before she followed behind him into his bedroom, staying by the door as he tossed his jacket into the hamper he often took to get dry cleaned and started undressing before walking into his closet.

“Is everything okay?” She asked, walking further into the room and standing in front of his closet where he had taken off his shoes and was taking off his suit pants.

“Everything’s fine,” he replied, draping his belt onto a hanger and stepping out of his pants, bending down to grab them.

“Are you sure?” Riley asked, crossing her arms and furrowing her eyebrows as he took off his shirt and socks, carrying the clothes and walking out of the closet before dropping them into the respective hampers– dry cleaning and normal laundry.

“Yep,” he said, walking back by her again and going back into his closet, tugging on one of the dresser drawers. “Why?”

“You just seem off…I guess,” she replied, leaning against the closet opening.

“Nope, I’m fine,” he replied, shutting the dresser drawer and changing out of his briefs, putting on a new pair before looking at the clothes in front of him. “Everything is perfectly fine.”

It was one thing for her own brain to try and nag her about being late to his game and make her feel bad, but it was a whole nother thing for it to be Matthew to do the same. Clearly he was upset about something and was being sarcastic now that she was asking for it. And instead of arguing about it, Riley just wanted to say her piece and move on.

“If you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong then that’s fine, but you don’t have to be so sarcastic with your answers.” She replied, turning away from his closet and walking out of his room and over to the kitchen table, placing her backpack down onto it and starting to unpack so she could get some more work done.

She plugged her laptop charger into the wall and sat down in her chair, just as she heard Matthew come walking out of his room, zipping up his pair of jeans, stopping by the kitchen table and looking at her and laughing dryly. “Of course you’re doing more homework.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She asked, turning in her chair. Matthew rolled his eyes, but not before he shook his head as if to brush her off. “No, don’t just shake your head and ignore me. What’s that supposed to mean Matthew, hm?”

“It means exactly what it sounds like it means, Riley,” he said, motioning towards her. “These last two weeks you’ve either had your face buried in your computer, in a textbook or in a pillow passed out because you’re too tired to do anything.”

Riley felt taken aback as she sat there on the kitchen table chair, crossing her arms. “What am I supposed to do, Matthew? Ignore my responsibilities and write halfass papers and homework that I have to do in order to get my degree?”

“No, but you can take a break every once in a while,” he replied, walking back into his room and leaving the conversation. “All you care about is writing papers or studying for tests or getting a perfect grade on your homework assignments.”

“I’m sorry for caring about my grades, but I spent a lot of money to get both of my degrees so I’m not going to do a halfass job on my assignments.” Riley stood up out of her chair and walked after him, seeing him grabbing a fresh pair of socks from the dresser his tv was standing on. “Not all of us have rich parents who could easily pay for our tuition. Some of us have to work for what we want.”

Matthew shook his head again and scoffed. “You’re not getting it, Riley.”

“What am I not getting then? Please, actually give me an answer instead of some sarcastic smart ass response and tell me what you’re problem is?”

“My problem is you knew how stressed I was about this game and how much it would mean to me for you to be there and you didn’t show up until the third period.”

“I–” Riley stared at him, blinking. “How did–”

“Claire texted Jacob when you called her and said you were on your way. Said that you fell asleep in the library.” He shook his head as he brushed by her and back out of the bedroom. “You work yourself down to the bone, Riley and I get it, you want to graduate top of your class and stuff, but tonight was important and I really wanted you there.”

“It was an accident, Matthew…” she spoke, following behind him and crossing her arms, hugging them tight against her. “I was only supposed to take a quick nap–”

“You could’ve left when Kelsey did. I know you guys were studying together because Oscar said that she had left and came home so they could have dinner together.” He cut her off, putting on a pair of sneakers, tying his shoes before standing back up and looking at her. “She made it to the game on time because she probably knew it was important to him.”

Part of her couldn’t believe that they were arguing about something so small. The other part understood that he was upset on her missing most of his game…but it was an accident. He should be understanding of that, because she could’ve just gone straight home and told him she couldn't’ make it to his game. But she still tried to go and she begged with the stadium security to let her bring her bag in so she didn’t have to go back home to drop it off and come back, only to miss even more of the game.

She still tried.

“I didn’t do it on purpose, Matthew. It was an accident,” she replied, standing there with her arms crossed. “And I still showed up. I could’ve gone straight home but I showed up because I knew you wanted me to be there and it was an accident. I didn’t purposely miss your game.”

“No, but you didn’t come and eat dinner with me either. You could have, but you didn’t,” he said, looking at her. “Do you realize how much time we’ve actually spent together in the last two weeks? Time where you weren’t on your computer or asleep at the table because you fell asleep working on homework? Maybe a day or two and that’s pushing it.”

It felt like they were going in circles, whatever it was that they were arguing about. She spoke, he spoke, she spoke again– round and round and no solution in sight. It was frustrating beyond belief, but she’d never been in this sort of situation before– fighting with someone she was dating, because she’d never had a relationship before…he was her first real one– so how the hell was it supposed to be handled? Did she let him complain and that was it? Just apologize and assume it was fine? Argue back and let her know that she didn’t do it intentionally? Every option that went through her mind, didn’t have a clear solution.

Which is why she ended up just arguing back with him, which probably wasn’t the best idea.

“I’m sorry for wanting to focus on the education I’m paying for, Matthew. I get that your hockey game was important for you, but you’ve got like twenty freaking more to make up for the one I missed. You’ve got more games and another season after this, I have this semester and then I get my degree. Of course it’s going to take my attention away, because it means a lot to me–”

“Oh, it means a lot to you?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. “So what am I? Chopped liver?”

This time Riley was the one to laugh in disbelief, shaking her head as she brought her hands to her temples. “I can’t even deal with you right now. Do you even hear yourself? What do you want me to do, huh? Apologize? Because I am, I’m sorry I missed two periods of your game because I overslept in my nap after stressing about my paper and my capstone oral presentation to get a degree that means everything to me and my future. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to see you get your assist on Johnny’s goal or God forbid, shove someone into a board. But I had a bigger priority and at least I still tried to go, I even had to beg the damn security supervisors to hold my bag so they would let me in and I wouldn’t miss your entire game.” She exhaled heavily, looking back at the blue eyed blonde. “So no, you’re not chopped liver, but right now you’re being a jerk and I don’t know if I want to be around if you’re going to keep acting like one.”

He stood there in his spot looking at her for a few seconds more before walking back into his room and coming back out a few seconds later, now with a jacket on over his t-shirt. He walked over to the bar counter and grabbed his keys, his back still to her.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going out to celebrate with some of the guys,” he said, keeping his back to her. “I wouldn’t want to bother you anymore while you do your work or make you hang around while I’m being a jerk.”

“That’s not–” she huffed, following after him as he headed towards the door. “That’s not what I–” Riley could barely get the words out before he was out the door, shutting it and locking it behind him and leaving her alone in his apartment. “Meant.”

Riley stared at his apartment door, hoping that he would come right back through it because he forgot something, because maybe then that could be another chance for them to settle their misunderstanding and not be angry at each other. But she couldn’t hear lingering footsteps on the other side of the door, nor was there any sign that someone was attempting to even unlock and open the door. She walked back over to the kitchen table, picking her phone up and unlocking it, calling Claire and bringing the phone to her ear.

“Hey Ri, what’s up?” She asked, music in the background.

“What are you doing tonight?” Riley asked, leaning against the wall, keeping her arms close to her.

“I’m going out with Jacob and the guys, we’re downtown at the bar!” She replied, slightly yelling into the phone a little bit. “Are you and Matt coming out?”

“No, well I mean, yeah,” Riley sighed, rubbing her forehead as she looked at her computer sitting there waiting for her to start working again. “He is, he just left. I…I’m tired so I’m just gonna crash here at his place.”

A few seconds passed and for a moment, Riley thought that maybe Claire hadn’t heard her. “You okay?” Big mistake number two tonight. Claire knew her well enough to be able to see through her lies even on a phone call.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Riley nodded, turning off the kitchen light and walking into Matthew’s bedroom. “Be safe tonight, have fun and I’ll talk to you later.”

“Alright, if you’re sure. Love you.”

“Love you too,” she replied, hanging up the call and then shutting the bedroom door behind her.

Today had been long and with that fight– their first ever– with Matthew, Riley found herself way too tired to sit down at the kitchen table and try to write her paper or go over her Capstone presentation. She grabbed some of the clothes that she had here before choosing one of his shirts from his year in the OHL with the London Knights as a top and made her way into the bathroom to take a shower. It was the best time to just let the stress and exhaustion wash away with the hot water and the soap. She contemplated sending Matt an ‘I’m sorry’ text, despite the fact that she had already apologized. She also contemplated calling Claire back and telling her that she had lied to her when she said she was fine, wanting to get her big sister's advice on how to deal with the situation since Claire was an expert in all things relationship.

But she did neither. Instead, after she got out of the shower, she brushed her hair and her teeth, got dressed and climbed into Matthew’s bed, turning his tv on and finding the Lifetime app she’d downloaded, clicking on Dance Moms and watching the old episodes until she found herself falling asleep.

Riley didn’t know how much time had passed or how long she’d been asleep, but she knew for a fact that she had been asleep because the cool chill from the room sweeping underneath the raised comforter and the movement of someone settling into the bed beside her had definitely woken her up. She grabbed onto the top of the comforter, tugging it back up above her shoulders as she rolled onto her left side and groaned at the disturbance.

“Riles,” Matthew whispered, placing a hand on her waist and rubbing the area softly. “Riles, are you awake?”

“No,” she mumbled, snuggling herself down into the mattress. “I’m sleeping.”

She heard him sigh as she felt him shift closer to her, the pillow she had her head resting on dipping down and then his hand moving up onto her right arm. “Can you wake up please? I want to talk…we need to talk.”

The thump of her heart against her chest when she heard those words was enough to wake her up enough for her heavy eyelids to start blinking. She reached out for her phone on the nightstand and tapped the screen to see the time. “Matthew, it’s 1:58 in the morning…this can’t wait for a few hours?”

“Actually no, it can’t,” he replied, rubbing his hand up and down her arm. “Please, Riles?”

Riley took a deep breath and exhaled, preparing herself for whatever this ‘we need to talk’ conversation was going to be and rolled over onto her otherside, coming face to face with Matthew. “You’re home early.”

“Yeah, well I wasn’t really having the best time,” he replied, keeping himself propped up onto his left elbow as he placed his hand back on her waist, keeping it there. “The guys kept ordering shots but I don’t know…I just didn’t feel like drinking.”

“You didn’t drink at all?” She asked, shocked.

Matthew sucked in his bottom lip as he shook his head. “Nope, I just kept having the bartender give me cups of water. I wasn’t in the mood to get drunk and celebrate, you know?”

Riley pouted, resting both of her hands beneath her pillow. “What? Are you going to say I ruined your celebration too?”

He chuckled softly, nodding his head. “I deserve that, I was a dick to you earlier and you didn’t deserve it. I know you still tried to make it to my game and I understand the pressure you’re under right now and it wasn’t fair of me to come for you like that about school.”

Still tired, Riley kept blinking and trying to comprehend what Matthew was saying. “Where’s this all coming from?”

Matthew looked at her, a nervous look on his face as he licked his lips and exhaled, closing his eyes for a few seconds before opening them again and looking at her. “I love you.” He must have seen the shocked look on her face even in the dim lighting from his tv screen because she could see his adam’s apple bob up and down with a nervous swallow. “I talked to Claire…well, more like she yelled at me–”

“I’m confused,” Riley said, starting to sit herself up.

“No, no, keep laying down,” he said, nudging her back down onto her side. “Claire asked me if you were really tired and I told her everything that happened and…well for one she chewed me a new one.”

“She tends to do that when she’s mad,” Riley nodded, keeping her focus on him.

“But she was right to do it, Riles, because she made me realize how what I said was unfair. I would have realized that by tomorrow or something…but she made me realize it sooner and then we got to talking about how this has been your dream since you were in middle school and you’ve been working your ass off ever since. And then she started doing that whole like therapist thing she does where she asks how you really feel–”

Riley laughed, tilting her head to the side. “She does that too. Pisses Brendan off more than anything.”

Matthew laughed softly. “Yeah, but uh…it works because she’s really good at it and she helped me realize that it wasn’t you being caught up in school or missing the first two periods of my game tonight that upset me, you know? It was me being so worked up about my performance and the game and then just…”

“Matt?” She asked, reaching out and resting her hand on his left bicep, squeezing it lightly and gaining his attention. “Breathe.”

He nodded, and took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m not mad about you almost missing my game, Riles. I’m a little upset you’re pushing yourself so hard on this school thing, but I understand that now, you know? But besides that, I’ve just…kind of been beating myself up inside about how I feel about you because…well…” He gulped again, looking at her. “I love you, Riles. I really do and it freaks me out because it’s only been a month and I didn’t want to scare you away or anything but I do. I love you and I’m tired of beating myself up about it and I told Claire that and she told me I needed to stop being an idiot and to come home and tell you, not her…so here I am. Stone cold sober and you don’t have to say it back, I’m not saying it to pressure you or anything but…well…yeah.”

Riley didn’t know how to reply. She’d only met Matthew officially for the first time in January. Sure, they’d been at events together, but that moment in the bar was the first time the two ever exchanged words. Then weeks after that night, they were on a set up blind date. Not too long after that, they were dating and now here he was, lying next to her in his bed and telling her that he loved her. Never in her life had she had someone who wasn’t a friend or family, tell her that they loved her. Sure, she’d had guys tell her that they liked her, but they never got to this point– this was uncharted territory.

Was familial love and relationship love the same? She knew she loved her parents and her siblings and her best friends, she recognized that feeling of love. But would it be any different for Matthew? She knew that she cared so much about him, just the same as she did her family and friends. But obviously, there was a difference and there were different ways that she cared for him than she did them. It was almost instinct for her to come over to his apartment instead of her own at the end of her day. She knew how he took his coffee and how he ate the same thing before every game. She knew where he liked to go on his days off if he wasn’t staying in bed. Whenever she felt anxious, just his touch alone could bring her at ease. Even just looking at him made her day so much bright. So does she love Matthew? Is that what all of these things that seemed to happen so fast in the last few months meant? Is that why she was absolutely terrified the first time that those three words slipped between his lips?

Yet when she looked at Matthew, that terrified feeling faded into the back, only leaving her thumping heartbeat in her chest in its wake and the temptation of saying those three words stuck on her lips. Her lips that were slowly turning up into a smile as she felt her cheeks heat up and her hand moved from his bicep up to his cheek, brushing her thumb against his beard.

“I love you too.”

DAY 108 – APRIL 18TH, 2022 [ SPONTANEOUS VACATION ]

“I can’t believe that you’ve been here for two years and you’ve never been to Banff,” Matthew laughed, shaking his head as they moved up in the line, each with a coffee from the starbucks in hand.

“I’ve always been busy,” Riley shrugged, taking a small sip of the hot coffee. “Besides, Claire was adjusting to her job and didn’t have a lot of vacation time between settling in on the weekends. Then she met Jacob and I was not third wheeling with those two.”

“Still,” he said, shaking his head. “Banff was one of the first things I did when I moved here. My mom and I came here and it’s one of my favorite places to go.”

“Oh?” Riley asked, raising her eyebrow. “Is this where you take all of your dates too?”

Matthew rolled his eyes as he bumped into her. “No, I don’t take all of my dates here, you dork. But, it’s so peaceful, you know? Just all of the nature…when you live in the city, especially back home in St. Louis, you just kind of forget about how beautiful it can be.”

“Touching,” she sighed, resting her hand over her heart. “That was so beautiful, I’m going to quote you on that for my instagram caption.”

He threw an arm over her shoulder and pulled her into his side, keeping her trapped. “You’re such a brat sometimes, you’re lucky I love you.”

“Mhhm,” she agreed, looking up at him as she stood on her tippy toes and kissed his lips softly. “So lucky.”

In an extremely rare occurrence, the Flames had the day off. A previously scheduled game was now going to be rescheduled due to an amount of covid cases on their opponents team, leaving them with no enough players to play. Meaning that Matthew and the Flames didn’t have to travel until tomorrow morning, when they’d fly to Nashville. Matthew came home from what was supposed to be him leaving for Chicago and woke her up, telling her they’d just had a quick practice and that he was free for the rest of the day and that she should get dressed because he wanted to take her somewhere fun.

Somewhere fun turned into grabbing breakfast from Tim Hortons and then Matthew driving the hour and a half from Calgary to Banff, the two of them listening to music and picking the other’s karaoke song, every so often doing a duet. It was a nice break from homework and stress, her one day off of classes where she was planning on sleeping the entire day away– she was actually being swept off to some of the prettiest mountains in Alberta, their first trip together as a couple.

Having been here plenty of times before, Riley let Matthew take the reins on what they would do. They grabbed another coffee at the Starbucks inside the building that was at  the base of the mountain before getting onto the Gondola. She was mesmerized by the sights of the snow covered ground and trees as they rode up the mountain. Never before had she seen such an amazing, jaw dropping sight and begrudgingly, she told Matthew that he was right. It was a beautiful view and one that she had been so easily to forget had existed because of how she spent a majority of her time in the city in a classroom and with her face in a computer.

They walked hand in hand down the boardwalk, stopping every so often to take pictures or to just take in the sights. Matthew had gotten stopped every so often by other people who were enjoying the view, talking to him about the season and the team and asking for a picture. Riley wasn’t bothered by it one bit and she offered to take the picture for them if they wanted. It was nice seeing Matthew in his element. He was such a people person and so outgoing and talkative, but she also knew very well that shy and quiet side of him when it was just the two of them in the apartment and lounging on the couch watching netflix. 

By the time they made it to Sanson’s peak, Riley could feel her face start to go numb from the cold and she was fully curled up into Matthew’s side as they looked out at the view. Snow was actively falling and yet she couldn’t take her focus off of the stretch of peaceful and beautiful nature in front of them. It was magical, like she was standing in the middle of one of those Hallmark Christmas movies her mom recorded for all of them to watch when they were together on Christmas break.

“It’s beautiful, Matthew,” she said, looking up at him as her head was resting against his chest. “Thank you for bringing us here.”

“Of course,” he said, kissing the top of her Flames beanie of his that she’d taken to wear. “Beautiful views for a beautiful girl.”

Riley laughed, shaking her head as she nudged him. “You’re so cheesy.”

“Jacob said the same thing when he saw that picture of us from the Super Bowl party taped up in my locker,” he smiled, shrugging. “And then I called him out for the same thing because I know he’s got a picture of him and Claire in there somewhere.”

“You have a picture of us in your locker?” She asked, blinking slowly. “Really?”

Matthew nodded. “I’ve got pictures of my parents and my grandparents and siblings too…all of the people that I love and who mean the world to me.”

“You’re such a cheeseball,” she laughed, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her face against his chest, reveling in the feeling of his arm around her as she looked out at the winter scene.

She always teased her mom and Claire for loving those Hallmark Christmas movies so much. There was something so ridiculous about the same storyline in different movies. Boy meets girl, girl ignores boy, some weird coincidence brings them together and they find that they’ve got a lot more in common than they thought and then the feelings start and everything seems so full of happiness and love. Then, the big climax of the movie, something goes wrong, but in the end it all works out. Every movie was so different, but also so similar. It was magical, romantic and now that she had Matthew…part of her understood why they loved those movies so much or why Claire seemed to always put herself all into her relationships.

Because here, right now with Matthew holding onto her as she stared out at the mountains and the trees with the snow falling around them, Riley had never felt more at peace than she did in this very moment.

DAY 150 – MAY 30TH, 2022 [ A MOST IMPORTANT DAY ]

She’d been here before– sitting in a stuffy auditorium surrounded by hundreds of students, wearing a not so comfortable robe and shifting every so often in her chair to make sure that her butt didn’t fall asleep while she listened to the speakers talk. She had her bachelor’s degree, so she knew how a graduation ceremony would go and how long it could take, but right now everything felt so different.

Her gown wasn’t so different than the one she wore when she got her bachelor’s degree, aside from the velvet that lined the master hood. Her cap was the exact same, though this time instead of it being decorated with a nod towards her next journey to the University of Calgary like her cap had been when she received her master’s, this one was decorated with light blue scrapbook paper that covered the black of the cap, sticky flowers on the two side corners and in the middle, in white painted letters (thanks to Claire), was a quote from One Tree Hill, many she had scoured over what to pick, but one that Matthew was found.

“So for now I say goodbye to this chapter of my life and I look forward to what comes next.”

A cap that was decorated with Kelsey and Claire sitting at the kitchen table in Matthew’s apartment, Jacob, Oscar and Matthew sitting in the living room and drinking beer, relaxing and sulking slightly at the way their season had ended only four days earlier. And like she had been feeling the weeks leading up to graduation, Riley sat there feeling a sort of mourning for the community she’d be leaving behind once she went back home to St. Louis once she graduated– scared of leaving behind her friends and the unknown of her future.

It was a feeling she’d tried to hide that she was experiencing it, but one that Matthew had called her out on many times and she’d expressed to him her doubts and fears and overall worries…which is why he suggested that quote, and how easily it fit in along with all of the times he’d talked her off the edge of fear.

And while that feeling had been hanging over her the moment she woke up that morning in her own apartment, having had a sleepover with Kelsey so the two could get ready together before heading off to campus to prepare for the ceremony, once she heard them announce her name, hometown and degree and crossed the stage, the cheers of her friends and family and classmates echoing in her ears….she felt hopeful. All she could think about was meeting up with her family afterwards, seeing the smiles on their faces. She looked forward to playfully teasing her parents about wanting to take so many pictures. Sure, she’d experienced this all too familiar feeling before…only this time, there was a big difference.

She’d be greeting Matthew as well.

When the ceremony came to an end and the cheers and applause of her peers, their friends and families and faculty alike bounced off of the auditorium walls, Riley was one of the first students to make a beeline for where they were instructed to pick up their actual paper diplomas from tables set off to the side. She was fourth in line at her respective last name table, assuming the other three students were sat right on the aisle of their rows and her phone was going off, presumably her family group chat texting her on where they would meet her once she made her way outside.

With diploma in hand (well, in the leather diploma folder), Riley maneuvered her way through the crowds of students and guests who were still filed into the auditorium, eager to get outside to meet up with everyone. Her eyes were squinting the moment she stepped outside into the summer day, the cap that was still on her head providing no shade for her eyes, leaving her to shield them from the hot sun using her free hand as she tried to see if she could spot anyone familiar.

“Riles!” She heard Matthew call out, yet she didn’t see him as she looked around. “Riles, over here!” His voice was a little louder now, allowing her to figure out what direction it was at least coming from. She looked to her right to see Matthew waving his left hand in the air and walking over to her with a smile on his face. Immediately she noticed that he was wearing her favorite shirt of his– the lavender dress shirt– coupled with gray slacks and the YSL belt she jokingly teased him for wearing all of the time. 

Riley walked in his direction, quickening her pace the closer she got before she reached him and jumped in his arms, wrapping her own around his neck and pressing her face into the side of his neck as he wrapped his left arm around her, supporting her. “Did they ditch you? I thought you were supposed to sit with Claire, Jacob and my parents?”

Matthew placed her back down onto the ground, keeping his left hand at the small of her back as he leaned down and kissed her before standing back up. “Well, when Oscar and I finally got a parking spot, Claire said some lady threw a huge fit about them saving two seats, so we ended up sitting on a whole different side of the auditorium with Kelsey’s family.”

“I’m surprised Claire didn’t throw her down the steps.”

“She sounded like she was a few seconds away from doing that when we were on the phone, but I told her it was fine and that I’d meet up with them,” he held out the bouquet of white daisies and deep pink, along with red roses and smiled. “These are for you. I know you don’t really like roses, but my mom lectured me about how I couldn’t not get my girlfriend roses on such a big day.”

“They’re beautiful, Matt,” Riley took a small whiff of the fresh flowers and looked back at him with a smile. “Thank you, and I’ll be sure to tell your mom thank you as well.”

“Please, because I’m 90 percent sure my dad stopped her from lecturing me about how roses aren’t just roses and all of the colors have different meanings…it was a lot,” he took a deep breath as he rested his hands on his hips and sighed, shaking his head. “But enough about that, let’s go find everyone!”

Riley held his hand as the two of them made their way over to the meeting spot that her family had agreed on beforehand– about halfway between the parking lot and the auditorium– and she couldn’t stop thinking about how this was going to be the moment where Matthew would meet her parents for the first time. A bad case of food poisoning mixed in with traveling had kept them from meeting Matthew when they flew in the day before what would be the last game of the Flames season. Then with end of season stuff, exit media and the chaos of upcoming graduation– there was just never a free time for them to meet.

Until now, and now, she was absolutely petrified of them meeting. She wasn’t all that sure why, because she’d seen her parents meet Jacob and both of Claire’s high school boyfriends, not to mention Brendan’s girlfriend. She knew her mom would be just as welcoming and heartfelt as Chantal was when Riley had met her and she knew that her dad would immediately play the tough guy, only to melt seconds later. She knew it, she’s seen it– and yet she was more nervous about Matthew meeting her parents than she had been about potentially tripping on stage when she walked across it.

She snuck a look at Matthew from the corner of her eye who was talking about how he and Oscar had spent all morning making sure the catering was confirmed to be delivered to Kelsey’s parents house since they were hosting the party and how he had no idea how his mom ever planned an entire party or why she enjoyed planning them so much because he was stressed only because of food that he wasn’t even in charge of cooking. She felt her nerves waver away as she zoned in on how he was swinging their conjoined hands at a comfortable pace and had his other hand snug in his pant pocket, walking with total confidence and grace that just seemed to be so infectious that it was somehow washing over her.

“Riley Anne Thompson you little genius!” Claire yelled, easily gaining their attention. She was standing straight ahead of them just a few feet away and waving her hands in the air. “Get your butts over here!”

Matthew chuckled and Riley looked up at him with a pout. “Stop it right now.”

“I just think it’s funny, you know? Your initials spell rat and everyone thinks I am one,” he squeezed her hand supportively. “Almost makes it seem like it was meant to be, hm?”

Once they got close enough, Matthew let go of Riley’s hand and nodded at her to hand him her diploma and flowers so she could hug her family. She wasted no time greeting each of her parents with a hug before moving onto her brother and then both Claire and Jacob. When the congratulations and the hugs were done, she turned around with a nervous smile and walked the small distance where Matthew had been standing and stood beside him with a proud smile.

“Mom, Dad, this is Matthew, my boyfriend” she smiled, looking away from Matthew and over to her parents. “Matthew, my mom and dad.”

“Otherwise known as Elizabeth and Michael,” her mom smiled, breaking the distance and greeting Matthew with a hug. “And we’ve heard a ton about you from Claire and Riley both. It’s very nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you too, ma’am,” Matthew replied, hugging her before turning his attention to Riley’s dad as her mom pulled away from the hug, extending his hand out towards her dad. “And you too as well, sir.”

Riley swallowed the knot in her throat as she looked at her Dad, who, as predicted, was pulling his tough guy act with the squinty eyes and stone faced demeanor. She told Matthew not to be so polite and nervous, because she knew her Dad would see it coming from a mile away– and there they were…the slight awkward tension. She watched as her dad looked at Matthew’s hand and then back up at him before cracking a smile and reaching out to shake his hand.

“It’s nice to meet you as well, Matthew,” her dad said, adding another pure father moment by patting Matthew’s shoulder as well. “I’m glad to see that someone was finally able to break down those walls of Riley’s. I was starting to think that thing was going to surpass the great wall of China–”

“Michael!”

“Well, you survived the meeting,” Claire whispered, resting her chin on Riley’s shoulder and trying not to stifle a laugh. “Now all you’ve got to do is survive the party.”

“It’ll be fine,” Riley replied, shrugging as she looked back at Matthew who was now making small talk with their dad and brother. “I think they love him already.”

And things were fine, totally and beyond fine. Once they caught up with Kelsey, Oscar and her family, both groups made their way back to Kelsey’s parents home only a short distance away and from the moment they pulled up to the house and as the time ticked on, the party was in full swing. Riley got a front row seat to seeing her dad and Matthew talk about who knew what, but anytime she snuck a glimpse she felt her heart swell and she couldn’t help but smile and wonder if this feeling was what he meant by when he told her how much he loved seeing her get along with his mom and sister the first time they met and she sat with them at one of his games.

She sat back in enjoyment as she watched Matthew entertain some of Kelsey’s nieces and nephews with various yard games– limbo being the one where he dramatically fell to the ground to make all of the kids giggle because “you’re so bad at this! Look, it’s not that hard!” Or when he and Oscar gave a joint “proud boyfriend” speech after the proud parents had. How he and Jacob both accepted Bredan’s challenge of eating their wings the fastest, then proceeding to win and down her water when the heat got too much. Then getting her a refill, of course.

The drinks were flowing and as the sun started to set and everyone continued to have a good time, Riley was talking to Kelsey about their next steps. Kelsey had managed to get a job with a junior hockey team as a physical trainer in Calgary, following that she passed her certification and that she was also considering getting her PhD as well, though she wasn’t all too certain about that yet. She was excited for her friend to hear about all of the set plans that she had now that they had graduated, but Riley would be lying if she said she didn’t feel totally unprepared. Sure, she looked into jobs and applied. Some were here in Calgary, others were back home in St. Louis, but she’d yet to hear back from any of them. But she wouldn’t let that get in the way of how proud and happy she was for Kelsey. Especially since earlier before graduation when she saw her mentor, they had a conversation and her mentor said she would help look around for jobs she might be interested in.

Riley took a small sip from her beer bottle and was about to reply to Kelsey’s question about if she and Matthew had any summer plans when she saw the man of the hour himself come walking over from the back porch, smiling at her and making a ‘come here’ motion with his right hand as he held his beer in his left.

“It seems that I’ve been summoned by the needy boyfriend, so I’ll be right back,” she smiled, putting her beer down into the cup holder of her lawn chair and standing up, meeting him halfway as they stood by the bonfire. “Yes?”

Matthew held out his hand and nodded at it. “Grab my hand,” he brought his bottle up to his lips as he took another sip, watching and waiting for her to grab his hand.

“Why? What’s the trick?” She asked, hesitantly reaching her hand out.

He huffed, letting his smile fall as he looked at her. “Just grab it.” Riley placed her hand on his, eyeing him suspiciously as he just smiled and held her hand before pulling her closer and wrapping his left arm around her waist, looking down at her. “Gotcha, now you’ve gotta dance with me.”

“Matthew,” Riley whined, leaning her head back as she pouted. “You know I don’t like slow dancing.”

“Yeah, but I also know that you like slow dancing when it’s with me,” he smiled, nodding at her. “Now would it kill you to act like you love me and put your other hand on me?”

Riley smiled, shrugging. “It might.”

“You’re a brat.”

“Where do you think I learned it from?” Riley replied, rolling her eyes as she rested her right hand on his arm.

“Claire,” he replied, the two of them laughing soon after before letting it fade out as they both just swayed back and forth. “Oh look, I started a trend!”

Riley looked around them and saw that Oscar had grabbed Kelsey to dance, the same with Jacob and Claire and the parents. She shook her head, looking back at him. “Maybe everyone just got tired of standing around.”

“Orrrrr,” he smiled, stepping back and twirling her unsuspectingly. “They think we’re a cute couple and it’s super romantic and they too want to be cute and romantic.”

Riley just laughed as he brought her back into him, fanning his hand out against her back. “Okay, whatever you say.”

The two of them swayed there, Riley feeling herself start to relax against Matthew’s chest and starting to focus on the sound of his heartbeat echoing inside of his chest. “So are you going to tell me what had you so upset?” Matthew spoke quietly just so they could hear.

“Hm?” She asked, keeping her eyes closed as she zoned back in. “I wasn’t upset.”

“You looked upset while talking to Kelsey. That’s why I came off of the porch and swept you off your feet with my incredible dance moves.” He leaned himself back to look at her and tilted his head to the side slightly. “So?”

Riley opened her eyes, took a deep breath and exhaled, shrugging her shoulders. “We were talking about what we were going to do now that we were done with school and she was telling me about all the stuff she’s got set in stone and planned and I don’t know…I just felt,” she paused, shaking her head. “Nevermind, it’s dumb.”

“No it’s not,” he replied, looking at her. “Your feelings aren’t dumb, Riles.”

“It’ll just make me sound like I’m jealous that she’s got all these plans set in stone, and maybe part of me is because I’ve applied to five jobs and haven’t heard a single whisper of news. But I’m not jealous, not really…I’m proud of her and happy for her because she’s my friend.”

“But you wish you had some sort of plan set in stone?”

“Exactly,” she mumbled, pouting slightly as she looked over to where Kelsey and Oscar were at. “But more than anything I’m happy for her, you know?”

“You’ll hear back soon, Riles. I just know it,” Matthew said, pulling her closer to him again. “And they’ll be lucky to have you.”

Riley rolled her eyes again in a playful manner as she tried to fight back her smile. “You have to say that, you’re–”

Matthew leaned in quickly, pressing his mouth against hers and cutting her words off with a kiss, pulling back just barely before kissing her two more times, smiling more into each one before he pulled back completely, a smile on his face as he rested his forehead against hers and looked into her eyes. “Anyone would be lucky to have you work for them, Riles. And I’m not just saying that because I’m your boyfriend. I mean it. You’re a catch, got it?”

Riley smiled, nodding her head. “Go it.”

“Good,” he replied, kissing her forehead before Riley moved her head down to his chest again and he held her close once more. “It’ll all work out, Riles. Everything you want in your life…it’ll all work out. I just know it.”

She smiled as she snuggled her head further against him, taking in the smell of his cologne and closing her eyes. She could picture it so easily– her working in her dream field, coming home from a day at work to their shared apartment, more vacations in Banff, matching playoff jackets with her sister and Kelsey…a life with Matthew at home in St. Louis and in their seasonal home in Calgary. She had been filled with so much self doubt just minutes earlier, but with Matthew’s assurance, she believed it could come true.

DAY 184 – JULY 4TH [ CURRENT DAY ]

“Ri?” Claire said, her voice sounding distant. “Riley!”

“Huh, what?” Riley asked, zoning back out of her thoughts as she looked at her sister who had finally stopped shaking her shoulder.

“I said we’re here.”

Riley looked out of her back passenger window to see the all too familiar apartment building. The knot that was in her stomach was now extending up to her throat as she stared at the building that Jacob was pulled up in front of, unable to get her brain to tell her hand to reach for her door handle to open the door and let herself out.

“You don’t have to do this right now, Ri,” Claire spoke softly, resting a hand on top of hers and giving it a light squeeze. “Jacob can always do it.”

“Yeah Riley,” Jacob spoke from the driver's seat, nodding his head as he turned slightly to look at her. “I can just drop it off for you when we go back to the apartment after dinner. I’ll drop you guys off and then come back here.”

The offer was enticing and for a moment, Riley considered taking it. But only for a moment, because it wasn’t just dropping it off that she needed to do, there was something else she needed to go if she was going to survive the rest of her summer and the months that followed.

She cleared her throat, shaking her head and exhaled. “No, that’s okay I–” she turned away from the window and looked at Claire, Jacob and Brendan. “I can do it.”

Brendan looked at Claire before looking back at Riley. “Are you—“

“Yes, Brendann…I’m sure.” She pulled on her door handle and opened the door, making sure she had her purse before she unbuckled her seatbelt and got out of the car and stepping out into the sidewalk. “I’ll be right back and please…just stay here?”

They nodded and she shut the door behind her, turning back around and staring up at the apartment building she’d been to so many times. It was hard to believe that this would be the last time that she walked through those double doors and greet the receptionist behind the counter with a smile. If she remembered correctly, Shannon would be working today. She’d come to know all of the people who worked behind the desks' names, even from the few months she’d been around. They almost became like good friends to her, so it was weird that this would also possibly be the last time she ever saw any of them again.

Nervously, she pulled on the door handle and walked into the lobby of the apartment building, seeing that no one was standing behind the desk which she was extremely grateful for since that meant no awkward conversation was needed. She quickly walked across the lobby and towards the elevators, pressing the up arrow and sighing in relief when the doors opened immediately. She walked into the elevator, shutting the door behind her and holding the key fob against the scanner that allowed the elevator to move up to the residential floors before pressing number ten. The elevator moved slowly and she crossed her arms, hugging them to her chest as she leaned against the corner thinking about the last time she’d been in this building.

Two days ago in fact, and part of her didn’t want to come back here so soon but she knew that she was leaving Calgary tomorrow morning and while she could do what she was doing simply by mail…she couldn’t bring herself to do it. It seemed so impersonal, which things had never been.

Matthew’s family had come up to Calgary to take in some of the summer sights since the season was over. Riley loved his family and how down to earth they all were. She especially loved seeing the natural chirping and playful teasing between Matthew, his brother and their dad. His brother, Brady, had brought along his girlfriend and it was a short vacation in Calgary before everyone was headed off to Greece for their annual family vacation. A vacation that Riley would be joining, and one she was hesitant to when Matthew had originally invited her along because it was a family vacation and they’d only started dating. But he had said that he was going to ask her anyway after checking with his parents, but his parents beat him to the punch when his mom had asked publicly in the family group chat if he was going to bring her along.

Riley did insist on paying for her part in the trip, but both of his parents refused to accept her part, and she bargained to at least pay for her plane ticket— which she did. They were all out to dinner when Riley had stepped out because she’d gotten a missed call from her mentor. So she excused herself from the table and went outside of the restaurant to listen to the voicemail her mentor had left behind and when she was done listening to it— she stood there in disbelief.

The job her mentor had her apply for, one that Riley thought there was no chance in the world that she could get…well, she got it. Her mentor had called her to tell her that their contact with the hospital said that she had been chosen as one of the two other applicants to be hired to fill the pediatric occupational therapist positions they had available and thought she would pass the word on before they had sent her the official email, which she would get the next morning.

It was hard to explain how excited she was about the news. It’d been a little over a month since she’d graduated College and had yet to hear back from any of the jobs she applied to and yet there she was— getting her first piece of good news from the job she never thought she’d get hired on for. And then the nerves set in— Boston. She’d obviously have to move away from St. Louis and away from Calgary. And as she made her way back to dinner, she determined that she was too nervous to share the good news with everyone at the table. Because while announcing that she got a job was good news, announcing that she would be moving states away from her boyfriend didn’t seem like it would go over as well.

So…she saved the conversation for that night as her and Matthew were getting ready to go to bed. She had settled for the night before he did, he was still walking around his room and getting stuff ready for both his move back down to St. Louis for the summer, but also making sure he had whatever stuff he’d be packing for the trip to Greece later on. By the time he got into bed, he closed his eyes and just laid there, exhaling before opening his eyes and looking at her.

“What?” He asked, head and upper back leaning against his headboard.

“Hm?” She replied, zoning back in on him. “I didn’t say anything.”

“No, but you’re staring at me.” He laughed, resting his hands on his stomach and interlocking his fingers. “I know I’m hot, but try not to get your drool all over my pillow, hm?”

Riley rolled her eyes and laughed. “I’ll try not to.”

He smiled softly, lolling his head to the side and looking at her. “But really Riles, what’s up? You’ve seemed…off all night, since we got to and left dinner, actually.”

She rested her own hands on top of the comforter, twiddling with her thumbs as she thought about what she was going to say. Her immediate thought was to just tell him that she was tired, because tonight had been so, so good and fun and relaxing, she didn’t want her announcement to make it all crash down. But she knew that wouldn’t be fair to him for her to tell him any other time than now, because after all…she didn’t know when it was that she’d need to move to Boston.

“Remember the group of jobs that my mentor had me apply for? And I told you there was one that was way out of my league and I didn’t think I’d get it, but she had me apply anyway?” Riley spoke, looking at her hands.

“Yeah, did you hear back from any of them?” He sounded so nonchalant and the fact that he wouldn’t see this coming was enough for the familiar feeling of prickling tears to start to form in her eyes.

“I did, right before dinner. She called and uh, well…I got the job that I didn’t think I’d get,” she said, swallowing the knot in her throat as she looked at him. “The one in Boston…I–I got it.”

He sat himself up, a big smile on his face. “What? Riles, that's awesome!” He reached over and draped his arm over her shoulders, tugging her into him as he hugged her, pulling back and looking at her again. “I’m so proud of you, this is great! Why didn’t you say anything at dinner? That’s something to celebrate!”

Riley just stared at him, not wanting to say the words. The silence spoke what she couldn’t say and like a movie, she watched the realization dawn on him and if hearing him be so excited for her and proud of her wasn’t enough to make the burning feeling of tears in her eyes stronger, it was seeing his proud, beaming smile start to fade. Back when she had applied for jobs, most of which were either in St. Louis or Calgary, they had a conversation about what they were going to do with their relationship. Matthew had done long distance before and in his eyes, it was just something that never worked out, even if both parties tried their best to make it work.

St. Louis was one thing, but Boston was another. He lived in St. Louis three to four months out of the year. If she stayed there, things could have been easier, just like they would have been easier if she got a job in Calgary. But Boston? Sure, he had family there, but they only visited once or twice a year, many times in the summer. The summer was his time to relax at home with his friends and family, catch up on what he missed while he was in Calgary for the previous eight to nine months. It wasn’t realistic to ask of him to sacrifice any time at home, to spend his summer with her in Boston so they could have time together too.

The thought of the end had been in her mind the moment what Boston really meant had sunken in as she had walked back to their dinner table earlier.

This, her and Matthew, the last five to six months– it was done.

“Say something,” she whispered, feeling her bottom lip tremble as the tears blurred her vision. “Please?”

“Do you know when you have to be there?” He asked, clearing his throat as he tried to wipe away any sign of disappointment that she’d already seen.

Riley shook her head, sitting herself up fully and sitting criss cross applesauce, keeping her hands rested in her lap. “No, I’ll probably find out tomorrow because that’s when I’m supposed to get the official email.”

“Well, we can hold off for a few months until you have to move, right?” He nodded, clearing his throat again before taking a deep breath and exhaling, placing his left hand on top of her hands. “Unless that’s something you don’t want to do? What do you want to do, Riles?”

Oh, he must’ve seen her reaction to that suggestion. It wasn’t a bad one, but it wasn’t an eager nod…it was more of a frown, like she knew it wasn’t going to work. “I don’t know,” she spoke softly, holding onto his hand as she looked at him. “Any chance your whole view on long distance relationships changed?”

The shake of his head was subtle, but enough to send her heart plummeting in her chest. There was no holding back the tears that had been filling her eyes from falling down her face as the reality sank in. How was this the way everything was going to end? Why were these cards handled? What kind of being running the universe would put them on the other’s path and then split them to go down separate ways just when everything was going great? Neither of them wanted to end their relationship, but there was no way that would work out for them if they chose to stay in it? The hopelessness of it all felt like it was pulling her down and she was clawing at the surface for small gasps of air so she could make it through this unscathed.

“I–” he paused, clearing his throat as he kept his focus on their hands, an intense focus that Riley recognized as his attempt not to cry. He kept that same focus the first time they watched Dear John together, because she’d never seen it.

She bawled like a baby, he came close to, but was trying very, very hard not to.

“I don’t want you to not be excited about this,” he spoke slowly and clearly, trying to keep his voice clear from emotion. “Because this is big Riles, this is what you’ve been working for. And I know that right now, this…this sucks, but this is what you want to do, you know? This job…this is it.”

Riley sniffled as she reached up with her left hand and wiped away the tears from her cheeks. “I don’t want to– this,” she sniffled again, shaking her head. “I don’t want this to e-end, but Matt–”

“I know,” he said, breaking his concentration on her hands and looking at her, tears in his eyes. “But I would be doing you a huge disservice if I let this continue on, because Riles…I don’t want it to end either, but I’d rather it end where we both still love each other than rather we try to stick it out and we end up hating each other because the distance doesn’t work.”

Tears continued to roll down her face as her mouth trembled. Matthew reached up with his left hand and wiped her cheeks before keeping his hand against her cheek. “I can’t even imagine a life where I don’t think you’re the greatest person in the world.”

She leaned herself over into his arms, curling up against his chest and letting him wrap his arms around her as he held her while she cried. The sobs were quiet, as she didn’t want to wake up Taryn, who was sleeping on the couch just outside of his bedroom door, but they were heavy sobs escaping from the depths of her chest she hadn’t even known existed. Sobs that were shaking her body as they exited her mouth and vibrated against his chest where she had her face pressed into his shirt. Matthew just held her, resting his cheek on top of her head and rubbing her back, letting her cry as he tried not to let her know he was crying too. But she could hear the difference in his breathing and feel the deep vibrations in his chest from him trying his best to hold in his own, small sobs.

Once they both calmed down, she pulled herself out of his arms and wiped her eyes with her hands, sniffling and looking at him. Only the moment he made eye contact with her, the waterworks were working again. “It’s just a right person wrong time, thing Riles. We’ll figure it out,” he said, reaching out and tucking hair behind her ear. “These things always work out, you’ve read enough of those books of yours to know this.”

“I love you,” she sniffled, wiping at her eyes as the tears kept falling.

Matthew smiled softly, leaning in and holding his right hand at the back of her head as he kissed her forehead. “I love you too, Riles.” He rested his forehead against hers before kissing it again and then pulling back with teary eyes and his dimpled smile. “Does this mean Taryn and I are about to fifth and sixth wheel our parents and Brady and Emma’s Greece vacation?”

Riley laughed, sniffling again as she nodded. “Probably. I don’t think…I mean, Greece it wouldn’t–”

“Relax, Riles…I understand,” he nodded, his smile falling into a smaller one. “But hey, just because we’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still try to be friends, right?”

God, hearing the word friends was so heart crushing, even if she’d known this possibility was in the running. “Does that even work?” She asked, wiping her nose. “In the movies it alway goes wrong–”

“Well, we wouldn’t try to be friends right away, because that definitely wouldn’t work,” he said, shaking his head. “But…maybe we can try to take a break for a bit from talking to each other? A month or two? Then we can try to talk on a friendly, non-romantic, I want to rip off your clothes and jump your bones, basis?”

This time Riley laughed a genuine laugh. The stomach cramping, butterflies laugh only Matthew could make her do. “You’re a dork,” she smiled, nudging him as she settled down and took a deep breath, exhaling. “But yeah…I guess we can try that. There’s no harm right? And it should be easy. We became friends before dating–”

“Well, technically I tried to make friends with you at the bar and you shut me down.”

“You were flirting with me from the start, don’t even try it,” she smiled, pointing at him before letting her hand rest back into her laugh with a sniffle. “But really, Matthew…I want to try it. Because this,” she motioned between them. “This friendship and relationship felt really special, and I don’t want to lose that.”

“It’s a deal then,” Matthew smiled, extending out his hand for her to shake. “A month with no contact whatsoever, and then we’ll come back and try to be friends, right?”

Riley looked at his hand, realizing that if she shook it, it would seal the deal on her relationship with Matthew ending. But she meant what she said, this was special and she didn’t want to lose it. So she grabbed his hand and shook it, nodding her head. “It’s a deal.”

“Great,” he smiled softly, still shaking her head.

“Great,” she replied, feeling him squeeze her hand before he let it go. She took a deep breath and exhaled, feeling the dried tears on her face and the congestion in her nose from sniffling. “I need a shower, I feel all…gross.”

Matthew tossed his blankets to the side, nodding his head. “I’ll set you out a towel and start it for you. You can toss your stuff in the hamper and–”

“Can you wash my hair for me?” She asked, getting out of bed and following him into the bathroom. “Just one last time, please? We don’t have to do anything, but–”

“Of course, Riles,” he nodded, smiling as he opened the shower door and reached in, turning the water on. “You know I’d do anything for you.”

The ding of the elevator brought Riley out of her thoughts and she looked up to see the red 10 signaled on the screen, meaning she’d finally reached the floor where Matthew’s apartment was. She stepped off of the elevator and dug into her purse to find her copy of his apartment key, grasping the red rubber spiral keychain that the key was on in her hand hard enough to where she could feel it leaving an imprint in her palm. She felt herself start to slow down as she reached his apartment, her feet feeling heavy and her heartbeat slowing in pace until she found herself face to face with his door.

She knew he wasn’t home, Jacob himself said that Matthew was out with his parents doing some sightseeing until later tonight. They’d be flying out the day after tomorrow, when Riley would already be back home in St. Louis. She was thankful that they weren’t all flying out the same day. It was awkward enough yesterday morning after she’d left before breakfast and Matthew was left to tell Taryn and then his parents, Brady and Emma alone about why she had gone and how their relationship was no more and she’d no longer be in attendance on their family vacation. She really didn’t need to have a run in on the same flight either.

Riley pulled the key out of her purse, unlocking the door and opening it. She paused in place, listening in for any sound of life within the apartment, just in case the plans had changed, but she was greeted with silence. In relief, Riley walked into the apartment and shut the door behind her, turning back to face the open apartment and standing in place. Matthew had given her some time yesterday afternoon to come by with Claire and grab the stuff she had here, so she knew nothing of hers was here– but it still felt like home.

There wasn’t a single space in this apartment that she could look at and now have some sort of memory or picture a moment that she and Matthew had shared. She slowly walked further into the apartment, bypassing the bar counter and the kitchen table where she had opted to leave what she came to leave, there. But instead, she made her way to his bedroom, not wanting it to be so public whenever it was that he came across it. At least here, he would have some privacy.

She walked over to his bed and placed her copy of his apartment key down onto the blue comforter, reaching back into her purse and pulling out an envelope with his name on it. Inside of it was a letter that she’d written to him. It talked a lot about how she was thankful that he’d come into her life and that she was sorry for ignoring him that night at the bar. It brushed over the memories that they made and how much fun she’d had in the few short months, even describing how those months felt like a lifetime in the best possible way. She had signed off with a ‘see you in a month, I promise I won’t ignore you this time when you try to be my friend’ and a smiley face followed by a simple signature of her name, ‘Riley.’ But at the very bottom of the letter was a separate sign off. A p.s. note that she felt, despite their attempts to be friends, she felt was needed.

“P.S. Thank you for showing me how I deserved to be loved. Just know that you will always be the first guy I’ve ever genuinely and rightfully loved. Love Always, Riles.”

She pulled one last thing out of her purse, the copy of ‘Dear John’ that she had bought after he made her watch the movie. As someone who almost always preferred to read the book first before watching any tv or movie adaptation, Matthew insisted that she forgo the whole process and just watch the movie with him. Little did he know, she was already ordering it off of Amazon and read it in one sitting once it arrived at her apartment. On the cover, she left a sticky note with a simple message of “now read the book, i promise it’s just as good :)” followed by a bunch of page numbers, but only two of which were highlighted, simply because they were two of her now favorite quotes that just seemed oh so fitting for their situation, ironic too since it was one of his favorite movies.

“In our time together, you claimed a special place in my heart, a place that I will carry with me forever and that no one can replace” and “Our story has three parts; a beginning, a middle and an end. And while that’s how all stories play out, I still can’t believe ours didn’t last forever.”

Cheesy? Sure, but she knew that he would find some appreciation for it. Once she made sure that he would be able to find them, she took a deep break and looked around the room one last time. This was where everything had come to an end, in this very room. Where she cried and cried until she fell asleep on her last night here in his arms. It should hurt her heart being in this room, but just like stepping foot into his apartment…it felt like home. A warm, fuzzy feeling was inside of her chest, trying its best to cover up the ache and the heaviness she’d been feeling nonstop since later Saturday night. She closed her eyes and took a deep, calming breath before opening them and exhaling, taking the first step to walk out of his room and not letting herself stop and slow down to take in the apartment one last time, because then she knew she would have the hardest time trying to leave.

When she opened the door, she turned the small lock on the inside doorknob so the door would lock behind her and she paused in place. It was hard trying to convince herself not to take one last look, but she caved in, wanting to say goodbye even just in her mind to a place that’d become a safe place for her. She only allowed herself a few moments before she walked out of the apartment and shut the door behind her, making sure that it was locked. Then, she booked it like hell to the elevator, never taking another look, not even when she got into the elevator, forcing herself to stand in front of the buttons as she pressed the lobby button, her lack of having the key fob keeping her from going onto any other floor, even though she wasn’t going to.

The moment the elevator doors opened on the lobby, she kept her focus straight ahead where she could still see Jacob’s car parked out front. She bypassed the still empty receptionist desk and quickened her pace, feeling her heart race in her chest as she pushed open the door and walked out into the summer heat, the sunlight hitting her face and making her squint her eyes. Her chest was rising and falling fast as if she was suffocating with the memory she was leaving behind as she left the apartment one last time. And once she stood outside, she was able to take a deep breath, feeling her chest fully expand and deflate as she exhaled.

“Hey Ri, you good?” Brendan asked, his window rolled down as he now sat in her seat.

“Yeah,” she nodded, taking a deep breath and exhaling again before turning back and looking over her shoulder at the apartment building, her eyes instantly going to where the tenth floor would be. “I think I will be.”

DAY 203 – JULY 22ND, 2022 [ TRICKED RECONCILIATION ]

“I already told you earlier” Riley said, looking at Claire and Brendan as she laid her book down onto her stomach. “I don’t want to go and you can’t make me. I’m literally 24-years-old.”

Brendan snorted, leaning in her doorway. “I told you she wouldn’t go, I don’t know why you bothered trying to–”

Claire turned around to face their younger brother, pointing at him. “Go wait in the living room, we’ll be right out.”

“Fine,” Brendan held his hands up in defense as he stood up straight and turned around and walked down the hall and eventually down the stairs and out of view, leaving just Riley and Claire there in Riley’s room.

Claire double checked to make sure he was out of sight before she closed the bedroom door behind her and then made her way over to Riley’s closet. “You’re wasting your time, Claire–”

“No, you’re wasting your time,” Claire replied, opening her closet doors and skimming through the clothes. “I know you’re still upset about the way things ended with Matthew but you leave for Boston in a month and a half and you haven’t done anything besides lay in bed and read your books since you got home from Calgary.”

“I’m not upset about Matthew,” Riley said, resting her book down and staring at Claire. “I mean sure, it’s not all sunshine and daisies, but I’ve accepted that life isn’t fair and the situation overall sucks but there’s nothing that I can do about it. I did my crying, I’ve accepted it and now I’m just going to wait until it’s time to leave for Boston and enjoy my favorite things while I do.” She picked her book back up and turned the page. “Now get your nose out of my closet and go to that party.”

“Ri, I love you a lot. You’re my sister and my best friend, we’ve spent our entire lives together. We grew up together and we know each other better than anyone else in this world. So I don’t know why you think you can pull this ‘I’m fine’ bullshit over on me. Because if anyone knows you’re not fine, it’s me.” She grabbed an off the shoulder shirt and tossed it at Riley’s feet, a pair of jeans following after and then she closed the closet and walked over to her dresser, grabbing a strapless bra and adding that onto the pile. “So get up, get dressed and meet Brendan and I out in the living room in ten minutes or so help me God, I will drag you out of bed and to the party looking exactly like this, by your hair.”

Riley sat there as she watched Claire open the bedroom door and walk through it, shutting it behind her once more. On one hand, she knew Claire was right. Her time here at home was dwindling down fast and before she knew it, she’d be in her new apartment in Boston, alone. But on the other hand, she just wanted to spend her time, especially at night, doing the things she enjoyed. Things that filled her time and preoccupied her mind from drifting off onto wondering what Matthew was doing or how their vacation to Greece went. If he was back home now or if he went off on another trip with friends.

She bookmarked her page and set the book off to the side before tossing her blankets off and getting out of bed. Grabbing the clothes Claire had set out, Riley changed over to the jeans and shirt, getting dressed into real clothes that weren’t sweatpants and a t-shirt for the first time all day. She took the time to get herself ready and looking like she hadn’t just spent so many hours locked away in her room, lying in bed and reading a book before she left her room, seeing Claire and Brendan sitting there, both looking surprised.

“Well damn, you actually did it,” he said, looking at Claire and uncrossing his arms. “Well, let’s get going, yeah?”

He walked towards the front door, Riley standing there as Claire came up beside her and draping her arm over her shoulders with a smile. “You’ll have fun tonight, Ri, I promise.”

Maybe Riley’s idea of fun and Claire’s idea of fun were close, but not the same. Sure, it was nice to see some of her friends from high school and some of Claire and Brednan’s friends too at the house of one of Riley’s friends. Their city was large, but small. Everyone here had a sixth degree relationship with someone else.

And that's something Riley should’ve remembered when she saw Matthew standing inside talking to one of her and Claire’s friends from high school. At first, she had to convince herself that it wasn’t actually him, she was just imagining it. But when he leaned his head back and laughed, she felt something squeeze around her heart, because she’d know that dimpled smile anywhere. She stopped herself from going inside to grab herself a soda, instead walking around the backyard to try and find Claire or Brendan to tell them that Matthew was here and she wanted to go home.

Yet somehow, they were nowhere to be found and she was left to figure it out herself. She texted their sibling group chat, sending an ‘SOS, need to talk’ message before sitting herself down on the edge of the pool and rolling her pant legs up as high as she could before dipping her feet into the cool water. It was only a little over a week away before their one month of not seeing each other or talking was to come to an end. Then they could try to be friends again, but the feeling inside of her chest and her racing heart was telling her that a month wasn’t enough.

That maybe they would need more time, or God forbid, not be able to be friends at all.

“Hey…” She felt her pulse in her throat as she looked up to see Matthew standing there to her left, his hands buried deep into his shorts pockets.

“Hey,” she replied, smiling softly as she motioned for him to take a seat. “You can sit…if you want.”

She watched as he hesitated for a moment before nodding and taking his hands out of his pockets and sitting himself down next to her, taking his flip flops off and placing them down next to her before putting his feet into the pool. They sat there in silence for a few moments, the party in the background filling the silence between them.

“How was the trip to Greece?” She asked, breaking the silence and swallowing the knot in her throat. “I saw the pictures…but how was it?”

“Good, it was good, a lot of fun,” he nodded, holding his bud light in his hand. “It would’ve been a lot more fun with you there, but you know…it was still a good time. How have you been?”

“Good,” she nodded, looking at him and shrugging. “Just a lot of shifting through stuff. My mom’s trying to get rid of half of my things, I think she’s planning on turning my bedroom into a craft room or something.”

“Mom’s tried that with Brady’s room a couple of times,” he laughed softly. “Said we’ve shared a room before, we can share one again.”

“You might not have to worry about that longer though, I saw he and Emma got engaged. I wanted to text him and congratulate him, but…you know.”

“Yeah, it’s about time too. I swear they’re practically married though,” he laughed, taking a sip of his beer. “I’ll tell them you said congratulations though.”

“Thanks,” she nodded, playing with her hands in her lap and kicking her feet in the water.

Matthew finished his drink and cleared his throat, looking at the can and then at her. “Would you want to come with me to get a refill? So we can keep catching up and I won't lose you in the crowd?”

Something inside of her told her maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but it was greatly overshadowed by the feeling of missing him for the last twenty days. “Yeah, okay,” she smiled and nodded her head.

Matthew stood himself up and reached his hand out to help her stand up too. He held her hand for a few seconds longer even after she was standing up, but then he let go and the two of them made their way into the house. Over the music they talked about what they’d been up to since they last saw each other. Matthew had gone into more detail about the Greece vacation, the sights they saw, the food and drink, renting a boat for a day and how clear the water had been. He told her that she would’ve loved it and she agreed, she would have. She told him that she wished she would’ve gone.

One of their mutual friends, which turned out to be one of her friends from high school’s brother, who was a friend of Matt’s, tried to get them to join in on some drinking game which had everyone already playing, giggling and laughing as they watched two people trying to down their drinks faster than the other. But Matthew just grabbed her hand and led her away from the group so they’d stop trying to lure them in. When they finally stopped walking, they found themselves in one of the few quiet rooms in the house– a room that looked like it was a guest room.

Riley would be lying if she said that her heart wasn’t racing and her body temperature wasn’t rising at the mere fact that she was alone in a bedroom with Matthew for the first time in months. But like he always did, he was able to bring her at ease but just…talking. They talked about her move to Boston, how she found an apartment and was set to move in in late August, early September. How she had started to talk to the two other co-workers she was hired on the same job announcement with and that they seemed like really nice people. He told her again, just how happy he was and proud he was of her for getting the job and that he knew she’d do great things.

It felt like no time between them had passed at all and they were both sitting on the bed, laughing and talking like they hadn’t broken up and were doing a horrible job at trying to be friends– when the tension that they had was still so heavy and clear, that it was hard not to notice. So maybe that’s why after the laughter had simmered down, she leaned in and kissed him before quickly pulling back, ready to apologize.

And maybe that’s why, instead of letting her apologize and agreeing that it wasn’t the best idea, Matthew cupped her face and leaned back in, kissing her back.

They both knew that what they were doing wasn’t the best idea. This would set them back again on their journey to being friends. With each layer of clothing that was removed, it was another chip away at the shield she had put up to protect her heart and herself after their break up. She would once again have that aching, open wound she’d need to nurse back to health once it was all said and done.

For right now though, she didn’t care. Because all she’s wanted since that night in his apartment, was to have one more night or day or hour or minute to be in his arms. To kiss him again. And now that she was here, in this moment and getting what her heart had been wishing for the last three weeks…she never wanted it to end.

But it had to, and when they laid there together after it was all over– just like before, it felt like nothing had changed. He had his arm draped over her and she was curled into his side and laying her head on his chest. ‘This is how it’s supposed to be, right here…just us.’ She thought and kept repeating that thought in her head, even as there was that aching feeling in her chest that knew it wasn’t going to last.

Riley wasn’t sure of how long they laid there for, not long enough for the party to be over because they could still here the muffled sounds of music and the guests from the other side of the locked door. But long enough to where she knew that if they didn’t leave the room now, their lack of presence would be noted by those who knew of their relationship. So she was the first one who made the move to get up out of bed and start to get dressed, Matthew following soon after her as they didn’t speak. And suddenly she found herself regretting her choice to get dressed, because laying there in silence was so much better than getting dressed in silence.

“Oh…” he said, picking up her shirt which had soaked up the remainder of his beer that had been spilled at some point while they were undressing. “You can’t wear this, it reeks of beer. Here,” he took off his shirt, an old London Knights one she’d worn time and time before as a pajama shirt. “You can wear mine.”

“Thanks,” she said, putting on his shirt and then taking her beer soaked shirt from him balling it up and shoving it in her purse.

“Riles…” God she missed hearing him call her that, it was her favorite thing in the world she’d come to find. But right now, she wished he was calling her anything else. “I…maybe we just got a little too ahead of ourselves with this…trying to be friends, you know?”

She could feel the tears burn in her eyes as she choked them back, trying not to let the knot in her throat stop her from taking deep controlled breaths. “Mhhm.”

“It’s just…it’s too soon and then this,” he shook his head, exhaling. “I don’t regret this at all, Riles. Because I love you, I do. But I don’t, I’m not sure if I can be your friend and love you at the same time.”

Riley just nodded again, making the first move towards the door as he followed behind. “I get it, I do.”

“So maybe,” he took another deep breath and exhaled, putting his hands in his pockets again. “Maybe, it’s going to take a lot longer…and maybe we shouldn’t–”

“Matthew, please,” she said, shaking her head. “You don’t need to say it, I understand what you’re saying, I promise. Thank you for everything, and I don’t regret this either and I love you.” She felt the knot in her throat choke her for a second before she cleared it and nodded, turning away from him. “I think I’m just going to go home.”

He nodded, and reached around her, unlocking the door and opening it before stepping aside and letting her leave the room. She heard the door close behind her soon after, probably to let himself wait a bit before he left the room as to avoid any speculation, though that was going to be hard considering he was left shirtless and she was wearing his shirt. She made her way outside after not seeing Claire or Brendan anywhere in the living room and kitchen, eventually catching sight of Brendan standing off by the jacuzzi. She walked over as fast as her feet would take her, clutching her purse and her shirt against her and fighting like hell to keep the tears from falling.

“Hey Ri,” Brendan smiled, his smile falling once she got closer. “What’s wrong?”

“I want to go home,” she spoke softly, Brendan ushering her off to the side and away from friends so they could speak privately. “Matthew’s here a-and I just want to go home.”

“Of course he’s here,” he said, looking confused. “Didn’t Claire tell you he was going to be here?”

She looked at him, confused and taken aback when she felt a pair of arms around her shoulders and someone resting their chin on her shoulder. “Hi little sister, are you having fun?” Claire smiled, letting her arms fall to the side when Riley stepped out of them. “What’s wrong?”

“You knew he was going to be here?” Riley asked, her bottom lip trembling.

Claire’s smile falling into a frown told Riley everything that she needed to know. “Wow,” she huffed, shaking her head. “Out of everyone, I thought that you would understand how it would make me feel to see him again. I told– I cried to you about everything and you…” she stopped, sniffling and shaking her head again. “I’m going home.”

“I’ll drop you off and come back,” Brendan said, wrapping his arm around her shoulder before looking at Claire and walking with Riley as they left the poolside area of the backyard and through a backyard fence.

When they made it to the front of the house, Brendan dug into his pockets to grab the keys and as they made their way to the car, Riley spotted Matthew getting into the backseat of what she presumed to be an uber. And soon she realized, as she watched the uber slowly drive away…that this was how life was going to be from now on. No more Matthew. And just like the uber had drifted off into the distance and out of view, he too would eventually fade from her thoughts.

And the peace he brought would go along with him.

DAY 244 – SEPTEMBER 1ST, 2022 [ A PEACEFUL REALIZATION ] *EPILOGUE*

“Well Riley, I have to say that your apartment looks quite nice,” her dad smiled, taking a look around the living room and the furniture they’d set up to make the 800 square foot apartment feel a little more homey.

“Thanks, Dad,” she laughed, sitting on one of the bar stools at her counter. “But I meant it when I said you guys can’t stay here tonight. You’ve stayed here the last two nights helping me set up, but now it’s time for me to spend my first night alone in my apartment.”

“They grow up so fast, don’t they?” Brendan teased, resting his hands on her shoulders. 

In the 41 days since that night when she’d last seen Matthew…a lot had changed. For the first two weeks, she and Claire were at odds. It didn’t help that Claire had also gone off to Sweden to visit Jacob’s family for a week, but when she came back, she had apologized to Riley for what she had done. Telling her that her reasoning was that she knew how much she’d missed Matthew and she knew that Matthew had missed her too– and that maybe, if they’d gotten back together that they would be able to see a new solution through.

All she wanted was for her sister to feel better again, she wanted the best for her little sister and though she went about it the wrong way, she was still sorry for doing it and hiding Matthew’s attendance at the party from her. She spent the rest of August spending at much time with her family in between packing and sending emails to work to set up and confirm her first day and what she’d need to bring.

She was nervous to be moving from home, but at the same time she was excited. This was something she had worked for her entire life and she was finally on the journey to reaching it. It was something new and unknown, but that adventure made it nerve wracking…and thanks to Matthew, she’d learned that sometimes, those nerves when you’re about to do something for the first time…were just excitement hiding in the wings.

Her family and Jacob had tagged along to help her drive to Boston at the end of August and have spent the last three days with her, helping her unpack and set up her apartment. Tomorrow afternoon, they’d be flying back home and she’d be in the city of Boston all alone. But tonight, tonight was going to be her first night in her apartment alone– and she was both looking forward to it and hating it at the same time.

“Okay, so we’ll go get in the car so we can go to dinner,” Claire said, as their parents and Brendnan made their way to the front door. “Do you mind waiting for Jacob when he comes out of the bathroom?”

“Not at all, we’ll be right down there,” Riley smiled, waving them off as she spun herself on her barstool.

Shortly after, Jacob came walking out of the bathroom, looking around confused. “Did they leave us?”

“They’re just in the car,” Riley said, hopping off the stool. “But since I’ve got you here, I thought I’d ask…how the convo with our parents go?”

He smiled, nodding his head as they left her apartment. “Really good, they loved the ring. Said that Claire would love it too.”

“I told you she would,” Riley smiled, bumping into him as she looked her apartment behind them. “You sure you’re ready to be a part of the family? I mean…have you met us?”

“I have and you guys are great,” he laughed, bumping her back.

A little bit after their trip to Sweden, Jacob had facetimed Riley asking if he could get her opinion on something. And when she answered, he showed that he was at a jewelry store in Sweden, where he was staying with family a little longer and said that he was wanting to pick out an engagement ring for Claire, but wanted a little insight onto which she might like. She helped him pick it out and when he came into St. Louis the night before they drove up to Boston, he sat their parents down and asked for their permission to marry Claire.

Things had been so hectic that Riley hadn’t been able to get Jacob alone long enough to ask him how it had all gone, but now that they had a little bit of time, she took full advantage of it.

“Is the plan still the same?”

“Mhhm,” Jacob nodded, a fond smile on his face. “I’m going to take her to Lake Louise when we get back to Calgary, just where we went on our first date and then I’m going to ask her. Hopefully she says yes.”

“She’ll definitely say yes,” Riley smiled, nodding her head. “She really loves you.”

“Thanks, Riley, that means a lot,” he replied, the elevator doors opening into the lobby and them walking out. “And I know you guys had a bit of a falling out, but she loves you a lot and never meant to hurt your feelings. You know her, she just…wants everyone to be happy and puts it on herself to make sure they are.”

Riley nodded, sucking in her lips at the mention of their falling out. She felt nervous, but she knew that the nagging feeling wouldn’t go away until she asked, because she knew that the two of them were still in touch. “So…do you know how he’s doing? I haven’t really kept up with the hockey stuff because…you know.”

“He’s good,” Jacob replied, hesitating himself as he took a deep breath and Riley knew he was unsure if he wanted to answer. “He’s excited about going to Florida–”

“FLORIDA?” She asked, eyes wide. “What? Since when?”

“Um…maybe end of July? Right around the time you and Claire had your falling out. He got traded to the Panthers.”

Riley remembered him mentioning about how he and his agent were in talks with the Flames about his contract, but he seemed so hesitant to talk about it and not in the mood too, like something was bothering him and she knew she didn’t want to push further about it so she didn’t. She had no idea that days later he’d be traded.

“Wow, that’s…big,” she said, crossing her arms. “Is he Captain?”

“No, but I don’t doubt he’ll work his way up to it…you know Chucky. He’s really excited to be down there since he’s got an old teammate who plays for them. I think it’ll be a good change for him.”

Riley nodded, not continuing the conversation as they walked out of the apartment building and found her parents rental car, getting inside.

She tried not to let the news be forefront in her brain for the rest of dinner. This was her last night with her family and she wanted to soak up every second of it, especially since she knew that in just short of a week, Claire and Jacob would be back in Calgary and engaged. She knew she was going to miss having them just right there in the same room and knew she’d have to adjust to them being a phone call away instead. She was successful in turning her focus towards them, and by the end of dinner when they dropped her off at her apartment building, her stomach was hurting from laughing so hard.

It was the first time she’d laughed that hard since her break up with Matthew.

There was no fighting from keeping him out of her mind as she made her way into the elevator and the heavy metal slowly climbed the stories to her apartment floor– floor number ten, go figure. But she held it off until she was in the safety of her own apartment, letting the emotions flow out of her as she leaned against the door and sighed.

The silence was loud as she moved through her new apartment, trying to adjust to the layout. She walked over to her keurig, filling it up and placing a mug onto it to make herself something hot to drink. While she waited, she walked back to her room and got undressed, switching over into some pajama pants and an all too-familiar shirt that she’d tried to give back before she left, but allowed herself to keep it since it had been in her possession for weeks, and she knew for a fact that if she even tried to return it, she’d be told to keep it.

It had slowly turned into her favorite shirt the way that the cotton had been washed and dried so many times that the green and white in the Knights logo had started to crack and the material was soft against her skin.

She put on her slippers and walked back out of her room, over to the kitchen where she could see the steam rising from her Banff souvenir mug. Picking it up, she walked back out of the kitchen and over to her balcony door, sliding it open before walking out into the cool night air and shutting the door just barely behind her. She sat down in her chair, taking in the sight of the city lights all around her and the sounds of the traffic and people walking below brought her ease.

Riley brought out her phone, unlocking it and opening her instagram app. Typing in his username, she brought up Matthew’s profile and allowed herself to scroll through his pictures. The last time she’d seen it, it was before their meet up at the party when he’d posted pictures of the Greece trip. Matthew wasn’t one for posting on social media too much, so in that time, he’d only posted four things. One was a tribute video to his time in Calgary, another was a picture of him sitting at a press conference with the Florida Panthers logo behind him, wearing a polo and his dimpled smile. Another was a photo montage of what looked like a boys golfing trip, which Riley laughed at because of course. And his most recent, just a few weeks prior, was an action shot of him in the white and red panthers uniform. It was a far stretch from his red with Calgary…but it fit him well.

Out of habit, she found herself looking up at the sky, seeing the stars that the city lights hadn’t managed to outshine and when she blinked…for a split second…she thought she saw a shooting star.

As the thought passed, she smiled to herself and took a sip of her hot chocolate, looking at the mug once she was finished and leaned further back into her chair. Shortly after their run in at the party, she unfollowed him on instagram as a way to try and cleanse him from her life. A way to make the transition easier for her. But what Riley had discovered was that this was how life was going to be from now on. Sure, there was no more Matthew in her day to day life, no more random texts or facetime calls or phone calls, not even an instagram comment or a snapchat. But there was no cleansing him out of her life.

He left a big mark on her and in her life. He was the first boy she had ever loved and who loved her back, who taught her what it felt like to be loved. He was special, important. She could never push him out of her life. So while he was here for just a short while and gone in a flash, just like a shooting star…he was always going to be there in her memories.

And one day, she’d have to come to terms with that, but for now…it was just nice to think back and smile on the memories anytime a little piece of him popped up in her daily life.

He was everywhere and that was okay, because he had loved her and she loved him too and one could never easily forget it.

[fonulyn]

how are things? and I was wondering if you've got a favorite fic that you wrote or if its just too hard to choose?

i've been down with a cold so things are kinda annoying but it seems to be getting better at least so maybe things are looking up :'D thanks for asking!

oh damn. it is hard to choose. and it also depends on my mood, and like... some are faves because they were fun to write, some because i like how the end result turned out, some bc friends liked them, and so forth. it depends on what kind of a favorite we're looking for :3

i scrolled through my RE fics and tried to pick only the top faves and still ended up with thirty fics :'D (and sorta sad bc so many of them were not crowd pleasers lmao)

but! shameless self-recs under the cut! (it got long lol sorry)

we didn't know how to fly so high (burned down before we reached the sky) (Chris/Leon) - this one's special because it's the first RE fic I wrote and it's what ended a three year dry spell of me not writing a single thing. it's also special because back then i could go "OH ONE NOTE!" and post the second chapter lol.

haunting in my head (tempting me, inviting me to fall asleep in its arms) (Piers/Leon) - since I picked the first one, I'm also gonna pick the latest one. this was the kind of an idea that plagued me until I got it written and i'm super pleased with how it worked out!

and it's kind of obligatory for me to mention the self-indulgent series, because for so long it was what kept me going and what kept me writing when nothing else worked. it might not be the best thing i've written but it's for sure what i've poured most love in.

tear me open (and make me whole again) (Piers/Leon, past Krauser/Leon) - from my whumptober fics this one i was the most excited about. i know it's got quite a bit of violence in it but like. i thought it hit all the right notes emotionally too, and i honestly wished it would've done better. i think it's worth it! am still happy with how it turned out.

(honorable mention to haunt you like it's part of you, another Piers/Leon and past Krauser/Leon, which is something i am really really into but apparently it's just me :'D but I really like the way the pairings clearly contrast each other tbh, i just think it's neat)

in the end it's you and I (Piers/Leon) - this is another whumptober fic I was super excited for! i'm beyond pleased with how it turned out and at least I feel all the right emotions while reading it.

all the things you are (Jake/Piers) - honestly I could've picked pretty much any of the Piers/Jake fic I've written because they were all really fun to write and their dynamic is super fun :'D I love the little bits in re6 where they interact bc they get on each other's nerves in all the right ways!

when it comes to metaltango, they're pretty much all close to my heart lol but can't help but follow in spite of going insane is something i regularly think back to and am still happy with how it turned out. same with the Krauser's back series, and question all my doubts, especially.

never too much to ask for (Piers/Leon) - this one is so very very important to me because LEON LEARNS TO BE LOVED. he learns to not only accept comfort but actually ASK FOR IT and it makes me emotional just to think about it 🥺

gonna show you tonight (Piers/Leon) - this one just makes me very happy.

and then there are the Piers/Leon ones where I've inserted Piers into a game/movie he isn't in, and honestly, those are ALL something I've had fun with and love the results! there's re2 with Piers, re4 with Piers, Damnation with Piers, and a combo of re4/Vendetta/og stuff with Piers! also the other re2 with Piers but that one only has one chapter for now so :'D

heal the scars and change the stars (Piers/Leon) - this one was based on a dream I had and I can still remember the exact vibe of the dream, and the way it haunted me afterwards, and I'm honestly really happy with the fic too. I have a thing for breaking up and getting back together it seems :'D

you're a dream (Piers/Leon) - this is something I've always always wanted to write, because soulmate aus are interesting but I've always gravitated towards imperfect soulmate systems, where it takes real effort to find them, and it's not so clear cut. and I honestly love how this turned out.

at the shore of the unknown (Piers/Leon) - another thing i always wanted to do was a soft apocalypse. this was supposed to be the first fic of a series, and the series is probably not happening, but i'm still content with the mood of this fic as is :3 i love these... slow empty worlds.

before I even knew your name (Piers/Leon) - THIS! this was SO MUCH FUN i don't know if I've ever had as much fun writing a fic :'D idk it was such a joy.

i crave therefore i am (Piers/Leon) - this fic however fought me every single step of the way, i wrote it like three times, and hated half of the process lmao, but i do love how it turned out. and the first scene is one of my all time favorite scenes i've ever written in my life.

to feel again (fwb!Chris/Leon at first, Piers/Leon eventually) - this was supposed to be a quick little oneshot but in the end it spiraled into something longer, and I do love it. like. the whole point of the Chris/Leon bit was that neither of them is the bad guy or wrong but they just weren't right for each other at that point in time, and then I enjoyed letting Leon build trust and a new relationship with Piers slowly at his own pace. 10/10 would write again :'D

last chance garage (ot3) - this one was very emotional to write and also got SO out of hand bc it was supposed to be like 1k max and in the end I wrote 8k lol. but it's my favorite ot3 fic.

winter lovin' (there's snow one like you) (Piers/Leon) - this one is super special to me because it happens in Finland :D they're vacationing on my home turf lol. but also because they're so in love, and they get to have fun and be together and. idk. the whole fic makes me all "🥺💖" like i literally turn into a physical embodiment of those two emojis. i love the fic.

stay until the end of life (Piers/Leon) - this one was also very emotional to write and I wanted to put them through a lot, and show how they really are in it for better and for worse. i wanted to show the struggles too, like... they love each other. they wanna be there for each other. but it's not always that easy. and I do think it worked out great.

three words to last forever (Piers/Leon) - I'm gonna end this way too long list with this because it's the first (and so far only) time I wrote a "choose your own ending" story and it was so much fun! I wish I could do a bigger story where you get to make multiple choices, but that would require some serious brainstorming lol. anyhow, I'm happy I got to do this! and happy with it turned out! especially the saddest ending :'D

now I'll shut up with my deepest apologies lmao.

[kaelily]

hiya lily!! this is like my first time telling someone else about my selfships... help... i actually wrote lore for it but bc it was a self indulgent secret it rotted in my personal dc server 😔 (edit: i talked too much im so sorry)

my self ships (ocinsert) are basically: childe (ex almost boyfriend) and ayato (husband rights).

the whole childe thing was when i was still a child simp™ HSHDJSHSHS. zhenyi (ocinsert me) became friends with childe when he came to liyue—she's like a part of the liyue qixing... and she handles foreign and cultural affairs etc etc (kinda like a diplomat). then romance on the side bc honestly. who wouldn't fall in love with a charming guy 😔 but their almost love story ended when childe had to leave liyue. he promised to return, but he kinda didn't LMAO

which brings ayato to the equation—a supposedly temporary political alliance (as you can see, i am a sucker for arranged marriage/fake dating tropes) for problems they had. ayato would love to have inazuman exported products be prioritised when it reaches liyuen shores. and what better way than through nepotism (marry the qixing member that handles foreign import products). so, they got married 👍 ayato gets business plus points kaching kaching, zhenyi gets to continue her secret investigation on her "dead" brother through ayato's silly intel channels.

their marriage isn't exactly loveless. i mean, it is, but they're fond enough of each other that it was kinda okay. they're friends, and acknowledge each other's abilities and strengths. though, in their head they knew their marriage easn't going to last. it was a temporary thing to fix a temporary problem.

except it wasn't a temporary thing. they end up falling in love hehehehe

it was the way ayato found rest in the nights where she'd silently accompany (and help) him when he was swamped with paperwork. it was the way zhenyi no longer felt the need to pretend to be someone else whenever he'd listen to her talk about things. it was the quiet ways they showed each other that they cared about one another—a gentle squeeze on the hand, and the glass of warm milk left for one another at night.

friendship is the most beautiful beginning to every love story. and in their friendship, they had love bloom like their favourite flowers. what was supposed to be a temporary fix became an eternal promise between two workaholics.

amen 🙏

(as for childe, it was a tied end. when he visited inazuma, he properly said his goodbye)

the way childe just ghosted her 😟??!?

zhenyi is such an interesting char please 😭 ik she was heartbroken when childe left all of a sudden and never returned. i think she might have realised that his true loyalty lies with the tsaritsa yk

AAAAA THEN AYATO ENTERS THE STORY AND STEALS HER SKJHGGVDSK. and through the arranged marriage trope ofc 🤭 it suits him so well please

its the way their transactional relationship turned into romantic one sffdsxcggfsk. arranged marriage AND friends to lovers??!? sign me up omg !!

they way they slowly fall for each other too AAAAA this lore is SO good please– 😭

tell me about your self-ships

[pinkseas]

[parasocial bestie] I HAVE TO BE FRFRFR WITH U IT TAKES JUST AS MUCH PRACTISE. AS WRITING I THINK. altho with my current experience in Writing thats not walls of texts of Ramble and Self Indulgence i be thinking writers wud have it harder esp vocabulary.... like man how u words how do u get the pacing right YOU DID GOT IT SO RIGHT HAVE U ANY IDEA REREADING UR TWO SILLY FICS + VIOLENCE FIC STILL GETS ME IN TEARS or i am just that of a sucker to specific emotions in general SKDFJHSDKJFH LIKE IDKKKKK like holy facken shit it took u a decade and my first attempt at just Writing even 500 words it felt like forever...... turns out intense eyeballing on chunks of words in great fics do not work like i do to improve in art nods nods [takes notes] yes that is my only way of even Understanding how art works LMAO

"words of someone who would KILL to be able to accomplish this tone and such in So Many Fewer Words but who does Not Know How To Do That so ten hundred billion words it is" HAHRGKADFKSDJH I WONT STOP UUUU ALTHO ITS A BIG BEEG STRETCH I WILL ALWAYS SUPPORT YEW WITH MY LITTOL ANON HANDS SHIELD U WITH MY COOL ANON SHADES....... in these cases u shud not stop someone from burnout by blocking da way u shud JOIN THEM AND PUSH ON TOGETER AND DAS A MOTTO

NO BUT THAT SILLY GENUINELY MAKES ME A LIL SILLY A LIL UEUEUEUEUEUE i didnt expect that extra comment like srsly cus like UHUHUHUHU IM GLAD U THINK THAT WAY and i honestly think its either a natural response to me or not cus me with my own circle of close friends we'd always support each other in ways it's on equal respect depending on what need to be treated like yknow?? altho by default we're all nice to the other its always a main thing not to let another person's slip ups slide, bad moments carry them away or get our egos inflate so hard so that sort of morals we had tgt kinda ingrained on me to treat any other person like dat like its normal... im nawt gonna lie to u i used to be Way more insensitive and impulsive before and our exchanges coulda been wildly different if it werent for my own besties and it helps me gather!! more besties out of my safe space!!! LIKE YEAHGHHHHAHHHH KDSJFHSDKJH AND IT GOT ME TO U!! AND I WANNA BE GENUINELY NICE AND SUPPORTIVE TO U WHEN I CAN EVEN BEHIND THESE LIL ANON SHADES!!!!!!!!!!! cus its always been. a normal human thing 2 do. like yknow. and i am not gonna keep contradicting myself when dats something id want to influence on my stories and silly lil brainrots too anyways i also got a lil silly but idc ilysm <333333333333333 AND U DESERVE ALL DA KINDNESS FROM ME AND ALL UR BESTIES TOO :muscle_arm: x2743573495 cus i am sending this ask thru pc sob

vocabulary 🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿🗿 my bestest friend my worstest enemy im so srs it is Everything to me and also i cannot stand it. horrible. awful. beautiful. perfect.

YOU CANT JSUT TELL ME YOU RTEREAD THEM ILL FUKINGCCG EXPLODE OH MY GODFDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD i need to write violence fic part 2 and maybe even a part 3 where its not the same little world and the violence is scaramouche himself hunting dottore down ohhhhh that'd be so lovely but also i dont think im good enough or creative enough with gore to do that thought justice im gonna be SO fr. YOU CANT JUST SAY THEY GET YOU IN TEARS I WILL FUKCVINFG EXPLOFDE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dies. dies. dies. anyways. i will never forget being like 11 or 12 years old and roleplaying warriors cats on my kindle <- genuinely my introduction to writing for fun outside of just school stuff. i wrote for YEARS and then i all but stopped writing for Also Years to the point where i genuinely thought i just. couldnt do it anymore. gone. i barely managed anything no matter what i tried and i got sooo frustrated and also just didnt really enjoy it? but thats bc my mental health was fucking horrific and the better i started doing the more i started really writing who would've thought LMAO no bc like 2?? years ago ??????? id basically given up !!!!!!! and then there were a couple tiny fics and then photosynthesis and i was like oh. i Can still write and i Do still have so much fun with it. and now i am unstoppable amen

writing is weird bc reading fics CAN help but i think reading books helps better? and its this constant state of like. ive heard with art that tracing genuinely helps, ofc you cant claim it for your own or anything but there's that sort of muscle memory and learned proportions and the practice of doing the same thing over and over again i think is a good thing? i think ??????? and in writing you rly cant copy anyone word for word and get anything out of it, it doesnt teach you anything it doesnt get you any further there's no sort of muscle memory connected with it. but what ive done a lot is looked at writing i rly loved and been like. okay so if i wanted to do this how would i accomplish it? i cant guess other writers thought processes but i can figure out how id reach a similar end goal ig ?? and in my own writing if im failing to accomplish what i want its a matter of ok, what DO i want, what if i change pov, what if i change the setting, what if i change the circumstance, etc etc which i think you could probably do the same thing in art if smth felt off or wasnt looking right ?? maybe ??? idk at this point my writing is a massive patchwork quilt of countless other authors and fic writers and a surprising amount of my own experience and ive noticed a lot of repeating elements in my own writing whether fics or original content and i dont really know How i got here but here i am. and ON TOP OF THAT actually seeing fanart ALSO helps my writing because ill see an expression or design or setting or anything that i really love and immediately start thinking of how to describe it in words yknow ???

im literally rambling so much today this is so fucking awful. awful day for the pinkseas community or at least pinkseas herself god help me

JOIN THEM AND PUSH ON TOGETHER............ UR LITTLE ANON SHADES............................. crying shaking sobbing bawling ily so fucking bad :((((((((((((( /pos we r pushign forward Togehter...

my rly close friends and i are the same way its SO so so lovely, having that constant respect and support and helping each other grow and learn its soooo. dsfmgndfmgfd. and trust me i also used to be a lot more insensitive and impulsive than i am now but ive learned sm and my own friends have helped sm and !!!!! we are soooooooo handshake emoji rn 10 million handshakes for us

UR SENDING IT ON PC AND IM ANSWERING ON PC </33333333 no bc organizing my thoughts on my phone is the worst ever but on my pc i dont have a bunch of heart emojis to spam at my fingertips its so sad....... sometimes when i rly wanna include them ill save as a draft and just put the emojis in and post it on my phone LMAO

[kyaruun]

Since when did the graphics suck they're literally so cute

This one is literally embedded in my mind like I ASSOCIATE this with you

It isssss literally so cute but your other graphics are also so cute wthhhhhhh

Buuut I can do some tutorials on things you wanna know that I can do? I've been wanting to make a tutorial for a while now actually

. Me too like I don't have a schedule and while I write on a "rotation", I spend so muxh time and energy on irl things that I don't get much time to write. I literally haven't gotten through my reqs from last August. Rip my 800 event from. Before then??? Cannot even keep track it's been like a year

My follow count is only that high bcs I wrote for haikyuu (in 2020 its peak) then I joined the genshin bus kinda early (?) Which is still huge and I wrote misc fics for whatever else, and it was also my edit blog??? And now I'm here shitposting so I got followers from like lots of places

The way yours is in the 700s and a loooot older than mine pls I'm also in the 700s in nazukisser.... insanity

Well personally i love your leo so I think that it should happen because you deserve it. And writing a series.... yes.... smaus are so fun I have domicile on nazukisser for reference if you want it and my fav smau ever is club stupid by tumblr user kodzuvii highly recommend I just become a redhead kita's cousin and tendou's best friend number 1 miracle girl and down bad for suna rintarou whenever I read it.

WAAAA I can't wait to see your revamp !!! Thank you.. I always try to have some sort of match (character/color/style) all throughout!! If you need help/opinions/etc lmk!!!

Right like what happened . We were thriving. Then we boomed for a second and died. Like I see the nazuna x reader tag and ME AND KAZE ARE THE ONLY ONES like bruh? And my fics have been flopping tho it seems everyone's have been flopping too

Yeah the only thing keeping me tied down here is the server..... it's like my lifetime... come back we miss you

I MISS NURI TOO... bee has arknights now....I miss.... and runanananna....... ate swanee's writing.... SHE DOES THAT TO US TOO not that I hate it but she drops like a couple of lines in snippets and dips and I'm like *SCREEEECHES*

If you come back to my server we welcome you back we miss you :(((

I can only be grateful that some of us are left tho.... i7 is so dead and e7 LMFAO??? I was legit the only one it was so darned sad

THAT'S THE ONLY ONE I LIKE!! i love watching vids about journaling and that kind of thing and they make the cutest decorated polaroids so i wanted to do something like that but very cutesy themed,, spring made me think of picnics so gingham <3 i actually played around with a few similar concepts like polaroid + random stickers and i planned to make banners with that but uuuu there are so many characters,, can't keep my focus for too long. i think they came out cute but it's probably too late to use them </3

i always wonder about what do people use to edit their pics because i was born a ps girlie and i still don't know how to use ps properly oops making your themes look nice and cohesive,, those cute pinned etc etc people who edit icons and make them look super aesthetic

i think i never tried to promote my blog because followers don't feel like an integral part of the process for me. i just write what comes to mind and share it with the world: if people like it i'm absolutely delighted and if they don't well,, at the end of the day most of my writing has been fun for me ^^ like come on i've written things that are silly and self indulgent and they worked fine and i'm here like. wow

i have considered writing for more series but the thing is the media i like has a fandom of like. 2.5 people on the good days. so it really doesn't make too much sense to even try that <.< genshin fandom scares tf out of me so i'll keep my extra fluffy albedo thoughts to myself. the bazillion "childe being a dumbass in love" posts. kazuha writing poetry. oops. getting flashbacks to the time i almost made a hypmic blog but i stopped myself at the last second out of embarrassment

i'm torn on whether a) people just aren't interested in that kind of content anymore (no way) or b) people DO read our stuff, they simply don't interact. not even a like. the migration of people from other social media into tumblr,, like sorry but i've been here since 2016? and it gets worst for writers every day </3

i have an immense amount of cute enstars thoughts a day and i feel like if i can't share them i will combust (my best friend has to deal with me every day),, it's mostly cute romantic stuff with my favs and my ocs, for obv reasons so i'm like uuuu should i even tell this to someone it's just embarrassing. like only other enstarries could understand why i keep rotating this bunch of dorks around my brain and getting the biggest serotonin boost out of it ueeee

i kind of miss being in a server with other people. i've been feeling very lonely lately due to uni so i think that'd be good for my mental health but at the same time,, i don't want to go back to talking once in a blue moon you know? ooo to be an anxious mess every day of your life.... like i get nervous so easily and i know i'll make someone uncomfortable so i simply keep quiet or i don't know how to join conversations because my social skills are -1. i'm a bit of a mess TT

as a bonus for reading all of this, wips of some of the banners/wallpapers? i was working on the last time. rei was meant to be a light pink/purple ish kind of shade but i don't mind how these came out either ^^ i need to print the cgs as polaroids again

[cinnaminsvga]

A Boy Like You | Yoongi

→ summary: for whenever you are feeling low, always remember that there is a boy you know who would lift the sky for you.

{or alternatively: Min Yoongi loves you, though he never says it. He’s always been a firm believer in that actions speak louder than any words ever could.}

→ genre: coworker!au, f2l, fluff → warnings: an overabundance of shy!yoongi to the point where you’ll want to squish his cheeks; kinda ooc but it is what it is → words: 11.5K → a/n: whaddup kids it’s ya girl... back from the dead after months of not writing shit, and what’s this owo... it’s a fluff fic?? miracles do happen... anyway i wrote this bc i just thot “man, wouldn’t it be super epic if i wrote a super self-indulgent fic where yoongi fulfills every single one of my deepest desires?” well... here is THIS!! pls feel free to scream into a pillow bc i certainly did!! enjoy!!

There is a boy you know who likes to show his kindness quietly. It would go something like this:

The air is thick with static; your hair stands up on end: a warning. The scent of raindrops hitting hot pavement graces your nostrils as a waterfall drops from the sky. You see the sea of heads begin to disappear under a canopy of multi-colored umbrellas. You, the lone ranger, rush back into the building from whence you came, dragging puddles and annoyance with you.

You should have anticipated it, should have thought to check the weather app before scrolling through dull social media posts when you left your house that morning. Instead, your fingers are left cold and umbrella-less.

You tilt your head upwards, watching as gallon upon gallon fell from the sky in an endless cycle. The watch on your wrist reads 5 PM, but the sky says it is 9 PM. The dark, swirling mass of clouds above you will continue on its thunderous parade, pausing for no one, especially not for you.

Your work bag is practically weightless, devoid of anything that might protect you from the onslaught of rain. The only thing inside is a small wallet that holds nothing more than dust and a loose promise of a paycheck. There is no way you can call a taxi like this, and the nearest bus stop is at least two blocks away. You are starting to think that your childhood dreams of becoming a mermaid hadn’t been so ridiculous after all.

Then comes the hand of God. It touches your shoulder gently, hesitantly. You turn around to face a stranger, a boy with shaggy black hair and pale moonlight skin. It is not God, but he comes close.

In his other hand is your salvation wrapped in Kumamon print nylon. It is proffered to you with a silent nod, his gaze fixed somewhere behind you as he waits for you to take it. The tips of his ears begin to redden the longer it takes for you to respond. Eventually, your brain connects with your muscles as you robotically pluck the umbrella from his grasp, a stuttered “thanks” leaving your lips.

He nods stiffly once more, removing his palm from your shoulder as though he had been burned. He shuffles for a moment, mouth opening and closing as he struggles to find the words to say. You wait, patience never waning for the strange boy that you have come to know as your salvation.

He doesn’t find the words after all. You aren’t too offended by his silence, but he appears to be mortified. And so, he leaves just as quickly as he had appeared, like a whirlwind dressed in an oversized blazer flapping behind him like wings. He runs through the rain without another thought, an arm raised above his head in a futile attempt to avoid getting wet.

You try calling out to him, wanting to thank him once more and maybe to ask how you can return his umbrella, but he is long gone. A speck of black dashing through the gray.

You clutch the umbrella closer to you, a feeling of something new growing inside of you. It is too small to call anything, but it is warm.

x x x x x

Umbrella boy has a name, and he happens to work on the same floor as you. You know this because he is standing right in front of you in all his bespectacled glory.

He ducks out of view the moment your eyes meet his. There is a stack of folders in his arms, and he bows his head until his nose touches manila. It’s too late––he knows you caught him staring. He scurries behind walls of filing cabinets and desk cubicles, desperate to get back to his desk where he hopes you’ll never find him.

The office floor is large, but it is not large enough to hide in. It takes only a few minutes until you find him hunched over his desk, every inch of space taken by enough towers of paper to cover a forest. It is no wonder that you never encountered your mysterious umbrella boy; he does a wonderful job of blending in.

Your eyes trail his form, not out of any perverse intent, but just out of curiosity. You never would have guessed from his unassuming and meek nature, but the boy is devastatingly beautiful. The devil is in the details: you admire the soft slope of his nose to the adorable pout of his lips. His eyelids are charmingly mismatched and his cheeks are begging to be pinched. It takes a year’s worth of self-restraint to keep your hands at your sides, if only so you don’t scare him away before you can even introduce yourself.

(You can already imagine your HR department contacting you about nonconsensual manhandling… You admit that you tend to get overzealous with your affection, especially when confronted with cute things. This boy would definitely need to watch out for you if he knows what’s best for him.)

((Also note to self: Stop having these psychopathic conversations with yourself. Being stuck inside the cage which is your brain is torture enough, so let’s not encourage it to get worse.))

There is a lanyard laced around his neck, the gaudy orange color of your company’s logo emblazoned across the thin material. And just out of your line of sight, you catch a glimpse of his ID. His name is––

“Y-Y/N?” He stutters out–no–he squeaks. Ah, so he’s noticed you. The folder in his hand slips out of his grasp, an avalanche of white tumbling all over his lap. He curses loudly, frantically sweeping away the mess under his desk, as if he could somehow magically make them disappear if he just kicked them hard enough. Unfortunately, the papers stay stubbornly tangible, and he is left with a halo of accounting reports around his workspace as a result.

“Are you… umm…” You hesitate with your words, fearing that any sudden movement on your part might cause umbrella boy to combust on the spot. “Do you need help… picking those up?”

“I–Well, no–Yes, but–” His sentences are stilted, his brain struggling to catch up with his tongue. He clamps his mouth shut, then shakes his head like he’s trying to reboot himself. Finally, after a few more deep breaths, he goes, “No. I’m fine. Thank you for offering.” He says that, but he appears awfully content with staring holes into the keyboard of his laptop when he is speaking to you though.

“Still… I’m terribly sorry for startling you,” you say, lips tugging downwards into a frown. You should have guessed he was skittish from how he had acted yesterday, but it’s quite a surprise to see one man so… disastrous, for lack of a better term. It’s awfully cute. “I just wanted to properly introduce myself and thank you for lending me your umbrella yesterday, but it seems like you already knew who I was.”

His face does a weird thing then and there. It almost appears like he was caught in a time loop, like someone was manually reversing and replaying his facial expressions like a video. It takes a few minutes for his little stroke to settle down, but even then, his cheeks remain a rosy pink. “I–I just… remembered your name during the company retreat the other month. I’m not weird or anything, I swear!”

“Well luckily, I was never going to accuse you of being weird anyway!” You laugh, trying to ease the perpetual look of anxiety on his face. However, it only seems to worsen his nerves with how quickly his skin starts to redden. “In fact, I should be apologizing for not remembering your name, Mister..?”

“Min Yoongi,” he replies, pausing for a second too long. He must have realized his delay because he coughs awkwardly into his forearm, averting his gaze away from you in a futile attempt to become nothing more than an abstract thought.

He must be equipped with some sort of superpower, because you’re starting to feel his secondhand embarrassment flood through you like a tsunami. Are you that difficult to converse with? Does he want to be left alone so badly that he’s trying to subtlely tell you to fuck off?

You’re about to start apologizing and scurry off back to your desk in barely concealed mortification when Yoongi clears his throat, his gaze fixed somewhere to your right. Whatever caught his attention must have been revolutionary with how large his eyes are, although last you remember is that the wall behind you is the same dull jailcell gray that you have come to know and hate.

“I just… I’m sorry if I’m acting odd right now. I just wasn’t expecting you to come to my cubicle and I would’ve… I don’t know, tidied up? If I knew you were coming,” he mutters, propping his glasses back up when they start sliding down his nose. They make their slow descent back down immediately after, forever on an endless cycle of up and down his face.

“You don’t have to clean up just for me! I’m not your manager or anything,” you say, surveying the absolute disaster zone that is his workspace. For his benefit, you sure hope that he has a map of his desk and filing cabinets, as it would have been a miracle otherwise if he memorized where anything was located in his personal office sty. “Though, it would be nice if you could see the bottom of your desk every once in a while.”

To your immense surprise, Yoongi lets out a resounding laugh at your quip. Though Yoongi isn’t a mute by any means, it isn’t like he spoke with much volume either. You hadn’t even thought your joke was funny enough to deserve a strained Caucasian™️ smile, so you appreciate that he had considered that you were even slightly funny. You love the pleasant tinkling of his laughter, so genuinely joyous that you can’t help but want to make a fool of yourself just so you can hear it again and again.

When Yoongi stops, the familiar reddish hue that has made a home on his cheeks resurfaces, though it’s less from embarrassment now. His shoulders are more relaxed, and he doesn’t look like he wants to crawl out of his skin as much. He still has eyes averted away from you, however. “Sorry. I don’t know why I laughed too hard at that. I’m normally not this weird… I think it’s just the nerves.”

You cock your head to the side. “Nerves? From what?”

Yoongi freezes, mouth gaping open slightly. “I, umm…” He coughs into his white button-up sleeve, pupils shaking as he formulates a response. “Just from… work. Yeah, I just have a lot of paperwork to do this week and I’ve been, er, having difficulty relaxing.”

Yoongi visibly breathes a sigh of relief when you accept his flimsy excuse, not really lingering on the validity of his statement. “Oh, sure! Don’t overwork yourself too much, okay?” you say, smiling sweetly back at him. He stares, wide-eyed, not really sure how to go on with his life after he’d been blasted by the full force of your grin.

God, you hope you remembered to use a toothpick during lunch. Was there spinach in your teeth? Oh fuck.

“Gah,” he intones, his brain not fully cooperating with his mouth just yet. If you were any more socially inept, you’d probably be doing the same. Eventually, he clears his throat and tries again. “Uh. Yes. I’ll try to do better next time.”

Feeling like you’ve overstayed your visit, you decide that it might be best for you to leave him be before either of you do or say anything more awkward and stupid. Before you turn to leave however, you decide to extend your hand forward, hoping to erase all the previous awkwardness between the both of you and hopefully start afresh. Even though you’ve only just met, you can’t help but feel drawn to him, wanting to see him again and somehow gain his friendship. “Hey, no sweat. It was really nice meeting you, Yoongi-ssi.”

“Just Yoongi is fine,” he says, almost like an afterthought. He’s so busy staring at your proffered hand that you are afraid that you might have offended him unknowingly or something. Does he think you don’t wash your hands? Given by the fact that your office’s manager refuses to restock the soap dispensers at the washrooms, that isn’t that much of a stretch. Or maybe he was weirded out by your random handshake? Have handshakes become antiquated these days? Are the kids no longer doing it? Are you supposed to do those awful brohugs like the fresh-out-of-college interns do in the breakroom? Oh God, does Yoongi think you’re old?!

While you were in the midst of your mental breakdown, you soon begin to realize why Yoongi had contemplated returning your handshake for so long. Instead of taking your hand immediately, Yoongi rubs his own two palms together first, much like how one would when warming their hands in front of a fire. He takes care to blow on them slightly before grasping your hand firmly in his, finally bestowing you with your much awaited handshake.

“Umm..?” You stare at your intertwined hands, a little confused about the previous series of events that just happened five seconds ago. Yoongi, in all his adorable and flustered glory, releases your hand much too quickly like he’s been shocked, most likely realizing (belatedly) that what he had done might not be as clear to an observer as it is to himself.

“Oh, I – I’m so sorry about that, again.” Yoongi stutters, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. “It’s just – my hands are really cold so I was trying to warm them up before I held your hands. I’m – I only just realized how odd that must have looked. Sorry.”

A rush of endearment and warmth surges through you as you behold this high strung boy, your heart flooded with a mix of emotions that make you feel gooey and blissful in one perfect package. No, this boy is the perfect package, all soft edges and blushy cheeks. It’s going to take a mountain and a room of vengeful deities to stop you from walking past his desk to catch a glimpse of him at this rate.

Oh God, you’re whipped already and it’s only been a few minutes since you said hello. He warmed his hand for you for heaven’s sake! Surely your enthusiasm can be excused in this one instance.

“That’s, uhh…” Now it seems that it is your turn to be at a loss of words, your throat clogged with a clump of newly discovered feelings that you don’t have enough time to sort through at the moment. The hamster running circles inside your brain has long since ground to a halt, and if Yoongi is going to keep staring at you with those charming cat eyes for any longer, you aren’t sure you’ll be able to convince the little vermin inside your skull to puppet your body again. “That’s… really sweet. Thank you.”

Thank you? Really, Y/N?

“It’s, uh, no problem. Really.” And with that, Yoongi presents to you his most deadly smile to date: blinding whites coupled his prominent pink gums, with his cheeks stretched like proofed dough that make his dark eyes disappear. Is there a pencil wedged inside your chest cavity, or were you just spontaneously having a heart attack? It’s hard to say; all you know is that your organs have turned to slush, and you make a mental note to send the imminent hospital bill to a certain Min Yoongi.

Cause of hemorrhage: being too fucking cute.

With your daily dose of embarrassment fulfilled, you turn to leave with short stilted steps, as if you have to force yourself away from him like those stubborn souvenir shop magnets that never come off the fridge. “I guess I’ll see you around?” you say more like a question, unsure if he’ll even want to ever see you after that disaster of an interaction. Kim Namjoon from Accounting would be entirely too delighted if he ever found out that he wasn’t the most awkward human being in the office.

“Sure? I’ll just be here. As always,” Yoongi replies kindly, same gummy grin on his face, albeit a little more hesitant. “It was nice speaking to you, Y/N.”

When he returns his attention to his workspace, it serves as a signal to you that you really should be going. Before you leave, you take note of the subtle red tint of his ears that reaches the back of his neck, the gentle tremor of his hands as he reorganizes the files that he had previously dropped. It makes you feel odd for relishing in the fact that you hadn’t been the only one feeling the tension between the two of you, though that doesn’t help lessen the confusion that soon follows anyway.

Why are you so drawn to him? You have never felt so strongly for someone this quickly, and frankly it sort of frightened you. You’re too afraid to confront that blossoming curiosity inside of you. No, it’s much too soon for that. For now, however…

“Oh shit. I totally forgot to give him back his umbrella,” you curse yourself once you return to your desk. The smiling face of Kumamon looks at you knowingly, as if this had been planned all along.

Well. Now you have an excuse to see him again tomorrow, at least.

x x x x x

There is a boy you know who likes to show his tenderness quietly. It would go something like this:

Company dinners shouldn’t feel like as much as a punishment as it does, but that’s just how social gatherings with semi-professional coworkers are like. No one here really wants to be there, but the carefully worded e-mail sent to the entire company clearly suggests that this was more of a “go to the party or risk getting fired” type of deal than anything remotely enjoyable. As much as free food and booze are often harbingers of a good time, it hardly makes any difference when your inebriated boss spends the entire time chatting you up in front of the presence of a dozen or so indifferent associates.

“Oh, Y/N! Good job securing that deal with Mister Park the other day. It’s all thanks to my valuable tutelage, is it not?” your manager guffaws, slapping your back with misplaced camaraderie. He leaves his warm, sweaty palm there, feeling it slide an inch lower than you were comfortable with anyone being. The smell of cheap wine on his breath is making you feel nauseous, and the tacky black and white tiled flooring isn’t doing anything to lessen the incoming migraine.

“Right,” you say with a tight-lipped smile, unable to say anything else lest you lose your job over something silly like establishing boundaries. It’s no wonder that the number of female employees on your floor has significantly dropped over the years, especially with rumors attaching themselves like maggots all over your stupid manager’s name. You wouldn’t be surprised if his stomach exploded ala Alien (1979) style with how much bullshit resides in his body and soul.

You’ve long since given up on anyone saving you, not when everyone was either too busy taking advantage of the free food or too scared to confront your shitty boss. You resign to your fate, ready to scrub yourself clean with a brick once you get home in a futile attempt to rid yourself of the feeling of his hands on you.

That is, until someone clears their throat from behind you.

Salvation comes to you wrapped in a crisp white button-up, thick-rimmed glasses, and cat-like eyes. You almost want to start breaking into Gregorian chant just then to fully express your gratitude to the deities of above for sending an angel in your time of tribulation.

“Excuse me,” the (welcome) intruder says, voice quiet but clear even amidst the cacophonous music and chatter. Min Yoongi steps forward until he is to your right, and you don’t miss the way his shoulder “accidentally” bumps your manager hard enough for him to drop his hand from your back. When Yoongi smiles at your manager, it is all teeth and no mirth, his eyes carefully blank.

Thankfully, your manager isn’t quite as fortunate in his brains department as he is in his stomach. “Oh, Yoongi! It is so nice to finally see you attend one of our social functions. You are enjoying yourself, I hope?” your manager asks, guffawing loudly despite no joke being said. You never did quite understand how some men think they are the most hilarious thing to ever exist since clowns, though you suppose your manager was only missing the red nose to complete the look.

“Thrilled, Mister Lee. Absolutely thrilled,” Yoongi says in a dead monotone voice. You can’t help but giggle at his sarcasm, and Yoongi points a wicked grin back at you before returning to his neutral and passive “work” face.

The sarcasm flies over your managers head like you expected, though you can hardly blame the alcohol for his lack of cognizance. You wouldn’t be half surprised if you knocked lightly on his head, only to hear a resounding echo following thereafter.

“I have never seen you at any of our parties before, Yoongi. What’s with the sudden change of heart?” your manager asks.

“Sir, I’ve attended every single social gathering since I was hired,” Yoongi says plainly, his composure never faltering. He must have better control than you, because you’re sure you would’ve barely held yourself back from smacking your manager had it been you. Though in fairness, you aren’t sure if you’ve ever noticed Yoongi at any of the other parties before this one either.

“Oh really? Well then, you mustn’t have said hello before then!” your manager laughs, patting Yoongi on the shoulder. “Always so enigmatic, our dear Yoongi! Well, keep up the good work.” When your manager turns his attention to speak to another one of your poor coworkers, Yoongi visibly gags from behind your manager’s back, grimacing as he pats away all traces of that foul man’s hand germs away from his dress shirt.

“Gross. Now my sleeve is damp,” he mutters, just audible enough so that only you could hear. You laugh out loud at that, nodding in understanding.

“Same here. There’s probably a gross sweaty handprint on my back now,” you say, wincing when you do feel a noticeable damp spot near the small of your back. “Ugh, what a pig.”

“Tell me about it,” Yoongi shakes his head, making a move to get away from your awful manager. He gestures for you to follow him, and you are more than happy to oblige.

“Thanks for saving me, by the way,” you add, keeping in step with him. He leads you out of the disorienting ballroom, though he doesn’t head towards the exit like you had expected. He appears to know the building much more than you do, given by how assuredly he walks. Either that, or he could be leading you to a deadend, but confidently.

“No problem. You honestly looked like you were about to punt him across the room, though I doubt anyone would be opposed to that magnificent spectacle,” Yoongi jokes, same mischievous grin from before decorating his face. He is so different from the taciturn man you had met two weeks ago, back when he had half-hidden behind his desk like an animal being cornered. Though, that might not be the best analogy to think of, as it only painted you as some sort of predator who came after meek and soft-looking men. Which you aren’t. Hopefully.

“Oh, I would’ve done more than just that, so really he should be thanking you for saving him,” you snort, and Yoongi chuckles lightly in response. Like before, his laughter is just as pleasant as you remember. Your greedy heart yearns to elicit the same sound from him once more, for as many times as you can muster before the night ends.

You had been so immersed in trying to keep up with his quick strides that you don’t notice where exactly he has taken you. The two of you haven’t gone too far away from the ballroom before he stops right in front of a metal double door, the neon green exit sign about it glowing conspicuously in the otherwise dimly lit corridor. He pushes it open, allowing the cool evening air to blow across you and your hand-me-down dress.

“Are we… at the balcony?” you ask, though the view that greets you is answer enough. How Yoongi could have known where the balcony is, you can’t say for certain. But any sort of question dies on your lips when you see how beautiful the skyline is: the stars and city lights twinkling indiscriminately, the sound of nightlife and traffic sounding loud despite the streets being so far away, the smell of ozone signalling an oncoming storm.

This, of course, is what you imagine the view to be like. You know, if the ever reliable Seoul smog wasn’t there to obstruct any sort of magical, romantic view that you should have been privy to.

“Oh damn. I forgot the smog forecast today was especially bad,” Yoongi groans from beside you, quickly shuffling through his pant pockets for a face mask. He procurs two black masks, still in their plastic packaging, and hands one of them to you. “Jesus. Sorry about this. Didn’t expect the smog to be so bad… We can just go back inside, if you want?”

Then, you are reminded of your manager, who is basically pollution incarnate with how terrible his breath is. So, you accept Yoongi’s proffered mask and promptly put it on. “Yeah, no thanks,” you say, voice muffled slightly by the fabric. The implication of your acceptance makes Yoongi grin cheekily back at you (or so you think, guessing by how his eyes crinkle cutely above his mask.)

Now properly equipped to not inhale disgusting air matter into your lungs, you step out farther across the balcony, enjoying the way the cool night breeze feels against your alcohol flushed face. (Though, if you were being honest, the heat on your cheeks has less to do with the meager flute of champagne you had earlier and more to do with the company you currently find yourself with.)

“I fucking hate these company dinners,” you whine a little bit too petulantly, complete with the jutted lip of a child who has been forced to wait as her mother engages in an eternity long conversation with an acquaintance. You lean against the railings near the edge of the building, watching idly as Yoongi does the same. “Don’t you think that if they wanted us to get ‘closer’ with one another, they’d first want to address the fact that some of our coworkers happen to be pigs dressed in white collared shirts?”

Yoongi snorts at that, his right hand immediately coming up to his mouth to silence the unflattering sound. Not that it wasn’t completely charming to you, but you do enjoy the slight abashment that blooms across his face shortly thereafter. “Sorry, didn’t mean to laugh like that. But, I do agree with you… I can’t say that anyone in our department is especially fond of that Habsburg motherfucker.”

Maybe it was the little bit of alcohol in your system, or perhaps it was the sudden rush of realizing that Yoongi is strangely attractive when he swears, but the laugh that exits your mouth sounds a touch too crazed for your liking. Either that, or perhaps you’re finally dying from the pollution.

Luckily for the both of you, it seems that Yoongi likes your weird laugh just as much as you like his. He tries to hide a smile before continuing, “Like, come on! I’m sorry for saying that because attacks on physical appearance is always a low blow, but why the fuck does that dude look like he’s been compressed and flattened on Photoshop? He’s got perpetual flat-face syndrome. You could -  you could land a damn plane on his face or some shit.”

The cork inside of your bursts, and you let out the most ungodly guffaw in your life. You don’t even have the time to be embarrassed by how loud your howls are, not when every word he says hits the mark a little bit too close to home. There’s nothing quite as pleasing than sharing mutual dislike for the same person, and it fills you with the utmost glee that Yoongi is no exception to that rule.

“Oh god… You’re right. You are absolutely right. I seriously can’t believe anyone can put up with him. I mean, the damned bastard couldn’t even remember my name until two weeks ago,” you say, shaking your head in disgust. The first few times he had forgotten, you had been gracious enough to laugh away his mistakes as little more than that: mistakes. But when five years pass and peanuts-for-a-brain still hasn’t deemed that remembering your name to be as important as when the “next big Game™” is, then it’s easy to understand the depth of your resentment towards your manager.

“Are you for real?” Yoongi asks, brows raised in shock. “How could anyone ever forget you – I mean, shit, uh,” Yoongi coughs suddenly, red-faced. You tilt your head in confusion, waiting for him to finish. He’s still kind of spluttering when he continues, “What I meant to say is… H-how could anyone forget their employees name after working here for so long?”

You shrug your shoulders. “I have no idea. Honestly, I think he’s trying to purposefully forget everything I tell him. One time, he had asked me what plans I had for Christmas, and I mentioned to him how I was going to be visiting my parents back home, and he has the gall to ask what country I’m from. Like???” Your face contorts as if you had eaten an entire lemon, so wracked with disbelief that Yoongi can see the hypothetical question marks floating above your head. “Bitch, do I look foreign to that bastard? I’ve lived here all my life!”

Yoongi hums, thoughtful. “Your parents live just an hour away from here, right?”

“I… Yeah, they do,” you reply. You eye Yoongi curiously, watching his all-too familiar flush resurfacing on his neck once more. “Wait… How do you know that?”

“You… You were talking about them, once. To Seulgi? Yea, you were, um…” Yoongi coughs unassuredly, rubbing the back of his neck. A nervous tick of his, you suppose. “It was a year ago? Something about visiting them during the weekend… Not that I was eavesdropping on purpose! I would never, er, do that…”

You don’t even register his embarrassment as you are mostly shell shocked that he had even remembered that little tidbit from over a year ago. Hell, you didn’t even remember going to your parent’s house until he mentioned it. “No it’s fine, I get it. I’m just surprised that you even bothered to remember that.”

Now it’s his turn to look at you strangely. “Of course I remember. Why wouldn’t I?”

You stare at him in disbelief. Fluttering of wings begin to erupt in your stomach, but you hardly have the peace of mind to fully grasp why you were even feeling so flustered in the first place. It was just that he had said it so… matter-of-fact, like there was no possible way he could’ve forgotten even if he tried. It was kind of disconcerting, but flattering all the same. But more importantly--

“Wait, you’ve been working at the company since last year? How have I never seen you before this month?!”

“Oh,” Yoongi coughs out a laugh, scratching the end of his nose. He turns his gaze away, looking anywhere but you. “I was just, umm… Really quiet? I don’t really talk to anyone unless I need to. I’m more of a listener.”

“Oh my God, now I feel even more terrible for not knowing your name! I must look like an egotistic bitch to you,” you despair lowly, cupping your face into your hands in shame. You feel another pair of cold hands clasp your wrists, and you watch in shock as he pulls your palms away with a determined expression.

“What? Of course not. You are definitely not an egotistic bitch, Y/N. In fact, you’re the complete opposite,” Yoongi whispers, so quiet that you might have imagined it. He grasps your hands tightly, like he’s desperate for you to believe him.

You stammer in embarrassment, staring wide-eyed at Yoongi as you try to regrasp your comprehension skills. It’s especially hard to concentrate with how close Yoongi is to you, the latter unaware of his own proximity. He had stepped closer towards you to hold your hand, and normally you hated it when people touched you without permission, but somehow… This was alright.

(Unbeknownst to you, this will not be the first time that Yoongi becomes your secret little exception. It’s only the first of many.)

“I-I don’t really know what to say?” Your gaze is locked on his firm grip on your hands, the only thing flitting through your mind: damn, this dude’s hands really are fucking freezing!

It takes another few seconds for Yoongi to calm down, and you know when it happens because the realization of what he had said makes itself apparent on his expression. He turns beet red in a second, stepping away from you with his arms flying off of you like those inflatable tube men outside car dealerships.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” he says, taking two steps away from you. You almost take two steps forward to keep the distance closer, but you have a feeling that he would keep walking away from you until you both inevitably fall off the balcony, so you smartly choose to stay away (even if it pains you to do so). You wait for his breathing to settle, all the while still reeling from his blatant confession just moments ago.

Could you even consider it a confession? Were you being delulu, or is there some sort of connection that you and Yoongi were both feeling?

“Yoongi, it’s fine! Really,” you smile wryly, raising your hands towards him open-faced, much like how you would do when approaching an agitated animal. Like a nervous kitty, you think privately to yourself. “I’m really flattered that you feel so… strongly?”

“I’m… I’m really not like this normally. Honest,” Yoongi says, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. “I… I never… do that. Whatever that was. Umm.”

Because you’re a freak of nature and enjoy exacerbating awkward social interactions, you decide to respond to him like this: “No worries, I’m flattered, honest! But hey, maybe next time you try to give me a compliment, you could look me in the eye?” You know, like an asshole. Who points out people’s social anxieties like that? You bitch!

On cue, Yoongi’s cheeks bloom into cherry blossoms once more. “I––I, I didn’t mean to––uh!” he stammers.

“No, no, I’m sorry for even saying that!” You apologize profusely, bowing so low that he could probably see the top of your spine. “I didn’t mean to tease you like that! I’m sorry! That was seriously out of line!”

What a pair the two of you were… Like two trains crashing into each other at mach speed, continuously and eternally. A constant and ongoing catastrophe!

(The little gremlin living inside your brain is knocking at your empty skull, whispering deviously, “But doesn’t that make the two of you the perfect pair?”)

When he doesn’t respond back immediately, you have to wrack up enough courage to look back at him. You gasp audibly when you do, and you have to forcibly grip the insides of your bicep to keep yourself from squealing in pure anguish.

Because there, right before your very eyes, is a blushing Min Yoongi looking you straight in the eye with his face squished between his hands, as if he’s forcibly keeping his head locked in place. His pupils are noticeably shaking and his brows are furrowed in concentration, but he’s looking at you. Like you asked.

He’s… He’s too…

“Okay, let me try this again.” Yoongi takes a deep breath, steeling himself for what may be the most embarrassing thing he has ever done in his life. “Y… You’re a great person, Y/N. I hope you know that,” he whispers, voice trailing off by the end of his sentence.

He’s dry heaving like he’s just finished a marathon, but he hasn’t taken his eyes off of you. You’re worried if he even remembers how to blink with how intensely he’s staring you down, but you can’t bring yourself to ask him when your heart is quite literally beating out of your chest like a cartoon character from the 80’s.

“I…” You’re at a loss of words. If Min Yoongi can capture you like this with just a look, then think of how much more powerful he would be if he just learned how to use it. You’re slipping into real dangerous waters, and you don’t know if you’re just a frog in boiling water or if this is where you were meant to be all along.

“Yoongi, I didn’t mean for you to… force yourself like that, really…”

The moment breaks, finally, when Yoongi begins to cry.

“Shit!” you both exclaim, but for two different reasons. “Are you okay? Oh my god!” you reach out for him, not even thinking when you cup his cheeks in your hands. He gently pushes you away with one hand, while the other goes to scrub at his tears.

“Yes, I’m fine! A piece of dust got caught in my eye and I was too slow to blink it away,” he explains, still wiping at his cheeks. He pulls his mask down to his chin, pouting cutely at you. “Sorry. I’m not used to looking people in the eye yet. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

Oh my god. At this point, you’d be surprised if your heart was located anywhere near your body. You were running purely on autopilot, so enamored by the boy in front of you that you could almost faint. He was entirely too unreal, unbelievably so. Perhaps, if you tried hard enough, you’d be able to find your heart again, and you know the first place where you’d look.

“Give it back,” you mumble, and Yoongi tilts his head at you in confusion.

“Sorry? Did you say something?”

“Nothing,” you reply, reaching over him and snapping his mask back on his face. You laugh as he splutters in surprise, floundering about overdramatically as if the elastic on the mask had done any damage to him at all. “Oh, stop it. You’re just being silly now.”

“Hey, I have delicate skin! You never know,” he jokes, but stops when you give him an unimpressed look.

“Sorry,” he laughs again. “And well, since I keep saying sorry today, and you look like you could use a little warming up, do you wanna leave this place and get some coffee? My treat.”

And really, who were you to say no to that?

And really, who were you to say no to Min Yoongi?

x x x x x

There is a boy you know who likes to show his thoughtfulness quietly. It would go something like this:

A steaming hot coffee cup from the nearby cafe manifests itself on your desk one Monday morning. In your sleep-deprived haze, you had originally failed to realize that there was a hand connected to that cup and that it hadn’t actually just materialized from thin air like you had thought. After much blinking and staring, you crane your head up to see Jesus standing in front of you, his glasses still fogged from the outside chill.

“I got you a drink. I hope I remembered your order right,” Yoongi says in lieu of a greeting, a small smile gracing his lips as he watches you lethargically reach over for the cup to lift the lid open. His grin widens when he sees your eyes light up at the sight of little marshmallows bobbing up and down in your hot chocolate, bits of whipped cream already melting away from the heat. When you take a sip, you breathe a content sigh, your eyelids fluttering shut.

“Yoongi, I’m going to kiss your feet right now and you can’t stop me,” you say, upper lip lined with cream and sugar. Yoongi’s hand twitches by his side, but he doesn’t move.

“Even if I have toe fungus?”

“Especially if you have toe fungus,” you say, downing as much hot chocolate down your throat without choking and barfing all over him.

From the rim of your cup, you can see that Yoongi still has his parka on, his signature black mask pulled down his chin indicating that he’s only just arrived at the office. It makes your heart jump a little, knowing that he went straight to you first before anyone else that day.

“I still don’t understand how you hate coffee. Like, I don’t think I’d be able to be conversing with you right now if I didn’t have caffeine running through my veins,” he says, staring at you(r lips) as you chew a marshmallow thoughtfully.

You want to tell him that Yoongi doesn’t talk a lot anyway in the first place, though you have begun to notice that he’s becoming more talkative the more you hang out with him. However, you aren’t quite sure if you’re imagining it, but it seems like Yoongi’s change in personality doesn’t really apply when he’s with anyone else. On the days where you’d pass by his cubicle on the way to the water coolers, he’d still have his usual stoic expression on his face as he goes through his paperwork with the grace of a robot. When he’s with you, however…

“Says the guy who’s started drinking frappes after I suggested them to you. Don’t lie to me, Min Yoongi.” You’re giggling softly, and you can tell Yoongi’s seams are already breaking. Pink gums and straight teeth are seconds away from peaking through. You wink cheekily at him.  “You’re just as sweet as your personality is.”

“Stop, that’s so embarrassing!” he exclaims, hiding behind his hands. He’s already smiling. “I’m not as sweet as you think! I’m a mean guy!”

“Yoongi, you literally just bought me hot chocolate with marshmallows because you remembered what I like. I don’t think there’s a mean bone in your body,” you retort, rolling your eyes at the prominent pout on his face.

“Not true! I stole an extra coupon booklet when I was at the grocery store the other day.”

“Ooooh, I do love a bad boy,” you say, but the two of you are already laughing hysterically. “Seriously, thanks. I really needed this today.”

“Dang, bad morning already?” he winces, having noticed the purple moons under your eyes when he had approached you. He didn’t want to mention it without you bringing it up first, but he had been worried about you since last Friday when you had left the workplace with a slammed door.

“Try bad weekend. Mr. Lee has been pushing my buttons for months now, but I seriously didn’t think he thought it was a challenge. He’s been giving me shitty filing jobs to complete like I’m some overworked intern!”

Yoongi cocks his head, confused. “Aren’t you, like… In the advertising department? Why would he make you file things?”

“Exactly!” You’re all but roaring now, but Yoongi can’t help smirking at the stray dollop of whipped cream that had somehow found its way on your nose. He pulls his sleeve over his wrist, swiping it away with the fabric as nonchalantly as possible (which is to say, he’s as red as a spanked ass when he does it.)

You don’t even notice his actions, still deep in the abyss of your rage. “And also! My shitty phone ran out of storage space the other day so I’ve had to delete all the songs on my library and I can’t find any good playlists on Spotify to help me dissociate on the train!”

“Wow, that’s a mood,” Yoongi says, chuckling. He clears his throat, an idea popping into his head. He turns bashful all of a sudden, gaze diverting upwards as he musters the courage to say, “I-I mean, I think I can help you with that last problem, if you want…”

You stop huffing and puffing long enough to appear intrigued. “Oh? Are you gonna send me a playlist?”

Yoongi splutters. “I mean! If you want it, I do have some songs that I like listening to.”

Yoongi squeaks when you smile at that, radiant and all-encompassing. He wonders how he’s not dead right now.

“Oh god, that would be great actually! Text me the link, would you?” you say, already making grabby hands for his phone. “Here, lemme put my phone number in your phone.”

Yoongi almost drops his phone as he takes it out of his pocket, staring in awe as he watches you type in your number into his phone. He has to keep himself from outright howling when he sees you place a sunflower emoji beside your name. How fitting, he thinks to himself.

When you return the phone back to him, he immediately texts you the link to his playlist. You have to keep yourself from screaming to the heavens when you see the very Yoongi-esque title, “Songs for the Sleepless,” complete with the grainy-noir-film-type playlist art to complete the look. It was just so… personal, so Yoongi, and it’s making you clench organs that you didn’t know were clenchable.

You whistle at the sheer number of songs on the playlist, with the first song being—“Didn’t peg you as a Lana Del Rey fan,” you pipe up, scrolling through his playlist with acute interest. “Kendrick Lamar and Epik High, I understand. But Lana?”

To his credit, the playlist did seem like it had a narrative of sorts, despite the eclectic range of artists and genres. You only recognize maybe ten of the songs from his five hundred song playlist, and you’re very curious to see what type of songs he connects to.

“Don’t knock it ‘til you try it,” he shrugs his shoulders, though a little bit embarrassed. “Lana Del Rey could sing my obituary and I’d jump out of my grave in an instant.”

“Bit morbid but okay,” you laugh, finger ready to close your music player app when you catch sight of a song with an artist you didn’t expect to see. You reach over to tug on his sleeve, your sly smile already causing Yoongi to break out in hives. “Hey… I didn’t know you shared your name with a singer, unless, of course…”

Yoongi doesn’t even let you finish your sentence when he yelps in surprise, snatching your phone out of your grip as his eyes bug out of his sockets. His ears redden, words tumbling out of his mouth like a waterfall as he tries to explain himself despite your raucous giggling.

“I––You weren’t supposed to––I forgot about! That was––I was just––Ugh,” he groans despairingly, smacking himself in the forehead with your phone. You’re still giggling madly, enjoying the spectacle before you as Yoongi’s ears are practically shooting out steam.

“You’re so cute.” It slips out of your mouth with such ease that you almost don’t notice saying it at all; you’re still smiling dreamily at Yoongi as he stares at you in shock, mouth still agape from his earlier rambling. You gasp loudly when your brain cells finally catch up, but by then it’s already too late. Now, the two of you were a matching pair, with your fire engine red ears standing at attention.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe I just said that,” you mutter into your hands. You wish the earth would swallow you whole right now.

“Oh my god, I can’t believe you just said that,” Yoongi wails beside you, but you don’t notice the small satisfied smile he’s sporting on his reddened face. “Y-You can’t just say things and not expect me to…”

You look up, wondering why he’d suddenly trailed off at the end. “Expect you to what?”

Yoongi, once again, defies the laws of the universe by somehow turning even redder than humanly possible. “N-nothing. Ignore me. Let’s just admit we’re both embarrassing and carry on, can we?”

“Sure,” you agree, nodding enthusiastically. “But, does that mean I can listen to your songs, Mister Min ‘I’m-a-superstar-singer-in-my-spare-time’ Yoongi?”

“I’m not a superstar! I just record songs in my free time, that’s all,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

“Says the guy who apparently raps as a hobby! Seriously, I can tell I’m gonna love it already.”

His gaze is turned upwards, cheeks puffed up in embarrassment. He looks like he wants to say something else, however, and you wait for him as he tries to gather the courage to say what else is on his mind. “S-say, I was wondering… Since I’m already here and all, do you want to maybe go out wi—”

“Yo! Hyung!”

A deep voice from across the office floor snaps the two of you out of your little bubble in an instant. It doesn’t take a genius to tell who it is, not when there’s only one person in the entire company who would dare wear a sushi-print tie to work at one of the most lucrative companies in the country.

Kim Namjoon hobbles over to your little cubicle space in all his sushi-print tie glory, knocking over a coworker’s potted plant in the process. Between you and Yoongi, you had been more surprised by Namjoon’s sudden exclamation, mostly because you’d never been particularly close with the eccentric man. Yoongi probably can’t say the same since he had briefly mentioned that he and Namjoon go way back, though you’re starting to have some doubts about that due to the dirty glare Yoongi was currently pointing at the sentient noodles-for-legs.

Namjoon waves cheerily at you before cutting to the chase as he envelops Yoongi in a not-too-gentle hug. “Hyung! I’ve been looking for you. You weren’t at your desk this morning so I was wondering where you’d wandered off, but of course I’d find you here at Y/N’s de––”

Yoongi promptly stomps on Namjoon’s feet, causing the younger to yelp out in pain. “Namjoon. I told you I’d talk to you later.” Yoongi smiles sweetly, but you can see the aura of danger radiating off of him in waves. “Emphasis on later.”

Namjoon pouts petulantly, but he doesn’t look all that offended. “I was just gonna remind you to ask Y/N if she wanted to join us for lunch la––OUCH! WILL YOU STOP STEPPING ON MY FEET!”

Yoongi appears unbothered, not even looking back at Namjoon’s shouts of betrayal. All the while, he still has his gaze trained on you, never wavering for one second.

“Please ignore my colleague. He can a bit… Unnecessarily loud,” Yoongi says, accompanied by Namjoon’s splutters of indignation.

“Umm?? I’m right here?? Your actual best friend?? Geez!” Namjoon huffs, looking at the both of you incredulously. You just shrug your shoulders, completely dumbfounded by the last five minutes of human interaction.

“As Namjoon was saying before we were so rudely interrupted… I was going to ask if you wanted to have lunch with me? Namjoon can join too, but only if he behaves,” Yoongi jokes, smirking at Namjoon’s ireful glares.

You giggle quietly at the unlikely pair, amused beyond belief at this new side of Yoongi that you hadn’t been aware of. So this is how he is with his friends… Cocky Yoongi is definitely someone you wouldn’t mind talking to occasionally, you admit.

“Sure, I’d love to. Just let me finish all this filing crap for Mr. Lee, then I’ll head over to your desk at around 12?” If you work at a breakneck pace, then you could probably finish sooner if you didn’t let anything else distract you. “Oh! And I should probably return your umbrella before you leave. I keep forgetting to give it back to you.”

“No worries,” Yoongi says. “You should keep the umbrella. I’ve got a spare anyway.”

Namjoon’s head whips toward Yoongi at that, staring at him skeptically. “Dude. Ain’t that your favorite Kumamon umbrella though? Didn’t you almost murder me that one time I forgot it at the McDonald’s last mo––WILL YOU STOP STEPPING ON MY FEET! I’M GONNA GET FLATFOOT SYNDROME!”

“Not my problem,” Yoongi replies, pinching Namjoon’s nose for good measure. He turns to you, waving goodbye. “See you in a few?”

You stretch your back, psyching yourself up to get back to work. “Right. I’ll text you when I’m done okay? See you at 12-ish!”

The boys make their leave, bickering all the while. You catch wind of a bit of their conversation as they turn the corner, their voices echoing down the hall.

“Hey, I noticed that you were looking Y/N in the eye when you were speaking. Why don’t you ever look me in the eye when we talk!”

Yoongi snorts, flipping him off. “It’s because you’re not as nice to look at. Simple as that.”

In your seat, you smile secretly to yourself, butterflies erupting in your chest. Filled with newly found fervor, you chip away at the pile of work on your desk until it starts to vanish from view.

Before you know it, you’re off to see Yoongi once more.

x x x x x 

There is a boy you know who likes to show his vulnerability quietly. It would go something like this:

x x x x x 

There is a boy you know who likes to show his love quietly. It would go something like this:

Your day begins with a phone call: a warning. Your boss tells you to come into work as soon as possible, not a note of enthusiasm or friendliness in his tone. He ends the call just as abruptly as it had come, the silence following soon after deafening your ears. Your heart races marathons in your chest, and your brain goes to the worst place it can go.

Your hands are sweating gallons upon gallons as you shrug your coat on, fumbling with your keys as you struggle to place them in your pocket. For a brief moment, you think about calling Yoongi for moral support, but think better of it. You don’t want to bother anyone, especially not him.

You, the lone ranger, walk out of your apartment and into the murky urban outdoors, the first pitter-patters of rain making their descent the moment your foot meets the pavement. You don’t have quite the energy to go back inside to grab your umbrella, not when you’re unsure if you’ll be courageous enough to leave your bedroom once more if you did.

You’d always been a coward, a soft-hearted fool. Content with shouldering the consequences of your actions without another word: a sufferer in silence. For the past few weeks, you thought you might have changed. You’d been smiling a lot more, laughing a lot more. Your cheeks were often more red than any other color these days, and it was all thanks to a boy you know.

He was shy, but brave. Quiet, but talkative. Mysterious, but vulnerable.

He made you realize that there was no need to settle for one side of a coin, not when you could have both. The longer you stuck around him, the stronger your desire was to become… more.

You wanted to be open; you wanted to be known. You wanted to be able to ask for what you want, and never feel the crushing sense of guilt that usually came afterwards. You wanted to be unapologetic, wanted to keep your hands open, waiting for good things to come your way. To never cower in the face of a gift being handed to you. You wanted to have all that life has to offer––

(Him. Him. Him.)

But there is something pitiful about being unable to keep your own promises. The embarrassment of returning to the state where you once were, of turning meek at the first sign of adversity. The dreams of a happier life drifts away from you like mist under the morning sun, and the pressing weight of the world once again makes its home on your shoulders.

And so, you do not cry when your boss tells you to pack up your things within the hour.

You do not cry when you cut your finger on the corner of your desk that had never been replaced during your five-year stay at this company.

You do not cry when one of your potted plants smash to the floor when you try to carry too many things at once.

You do not cry when co-workers you’d only barely spoken to come over to your desk with showers of condolences, as if you’d already died.

You do not cry when Kim Namjoon walks over to you, quietly bending down to help you carry your boxes down to the lobby.

And when all is said and done, you most especially do not cry when Min Yoongi runs to you with his lungs burning in his chest, glasses still fogged up from the morning cold outside. His hair is in disarray and his shirt is on backwards, as if he’d jumped out of bed the moment he knew something was wrong. When he skids to a halt right in front of you, the pain etched on his face is as plain as day.

Wordlessly, he takes the last box out of your hands, placing his car keys on top when he can’t hold onto them both. His eyes flit towards your clenched fists for a second, but looks away the moment you notice. Instead, he walks out to the elevator, and you follow soon after.

You do not cry when Min Yoongi helps you load his car with your things. You do not cry when he takes a first-aid kit out of his glovebox and puts a band-aid on your finger. You do not cry when he offers to pass by the local home depot to pick up a new plant when he notices yours is gone. You do not cry when he doesn’t treat you like your life has ended.

(But you feel it. Pricking along your eyes like a dam about to break. He is doing this to you. He’s making you feel again, and it fucking hurts.)

And so, he drives you home.

“I hope you don’t mind,” Yoongi starts after a while, tapping a rhythm away on his steering wheel as he waits for the morning rush traffic to subside. He glances at you from the corner of his eye, worried when you don’t respond. You keep your head pressed against the cool car window, staring blankly at the gray skyline.

“I… I hope you don’t mind if I play you something. Just… Just listen to it, okay?”

You don’t see him, but you hear his fingers switch their tapping to his phone as he unlocks it, searching for the song he wants you to hear. It takes a moment or two for him to find it, soft curses tumbling from his lips as he goes through his Google Drive for the unfinished draft that he hadn’t meant to show you until it was complete, but well––

You were always an exception to him, weren’t you?

The first notes come creeping up from behind you, and it reminds you of the way Yoongi would speak to you. All soft whispers and gummy smiles, like he’s restraining himself. Slowly but surely, the music grows louder, more confident with its sound. You can picture Yoongi standing upright, hand outstretched towards you as he asks you to follow him.

The song is unfamiliar, but there’s something about it that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand at attention. You’re trying to go through your memories, sorting through the hundreds of songs that Yoongi has made you listen to but none of them seem to ring a bell. You’re still trying to figure out if you’d heard this before when the lyrics finally start.

“Lost in the sea of my regrets, you became my polaris.”

Yoongi’s voice comes from the radio speaker, jolting you from your seat. Your spine straightens, and you stare bullets at Yoongi’s phone as the song continues to play. When you look towards him, Yoongi’s face is a statue; the only thing giving away the fact that he was with you at all was the steady rise and fall of his chest.

“The shadows, which had been my haven, no longer feel as good as they once did. You, my light, have changed all of that.”

You gasp, and Yoongi’s grip on the steering wheel tightens. It seems like the two of you stop moving at that moment, neither of you daring to breathe. Even the outside traffic sounds muted compared to the sound of your hearts hammering inside your chests.

“I’ve long since forgotten to pray, but I will remember for you. I only dream of happiness for you, my morning light, my northern star. And I’d give it all up for you.”

Yoongi notices your tears fall before you even do; he’s quick to fluster, scrambling through his car side door for a tissue to hand to you, but he stops the moment he feels your hand fist the elbow of his sleeve. He turns to look at you, all blotchy and tear-stained, but beautiful all the same. And even through your tears, you smile just as radiantly as when he had first seen you.

“Thank you,” you mouth, fingers trembling as you fight to keep more tears from falling, but nothing can stop a dam from breaking. Not when you’re sitting beside the hurricane who broke it in the first place; it was the boy with feelings that never did quite fit in his body the way other people’s did.

Luckily, they fit right in with you.

When the song comes to the end, you’re sniffling up a storm, but you still haven’t let go of him. When you’re only a few minutes away from your apartment, Yoongi parks a little bit far off from your doorstep, so you have to walk the rest of the way home. But you’re still unwilling to let go, not yet.

Gently, Yoongi pries your hand away from his sleeve and you’re about to protest, but the words die on your lips the moment they form when Yoongi rubs his hands along the side of his slacks before placing them in yours. His hands are still cold, but comforting all the same.

“Let me walk you home?” he whispers.

You nod. Of course, you want to say. But he knows what you mean, anyway.

When he goes to unpack your things from the trunk, you shake your head, stopping him from moving any further. “I… I don’t feel like sorting through those things right now. Is it fine with you if I just… Go home for now? Please?” Your brain feels like lead in your skull after all the bottled up tears had finally escaped from years of constant pressure, and you don’t think you’re quite ready to go through all those emotions again. You feel deflated, but better. He always makes you feel better.

Yoongi closes the trunk, locking his car before stretching out his hands for you. You stare at the proffered hand for a moment.

“Oh, right.” Yoongi goes to rub his hands to warm them, but you stop him once more in his ministrations. He looks at you, confused, as you grab his hand from him. You rub circles into his palm, staring at the ground in embarrassment.

“You’re always warming your hands for me… So this time, I’ll warm them for you, okay?”

Yoongi doesn’t say anything in response to that. Instead, he tugs you along towards the sidewalk and keeps you close to him. As he walks with you, you notice the way he leans slightly to the left, like he’s drawn to you––like he can’t help be more than an inch further from you.

You keep glancing back down at your linked hands; he’s shaking, but then again, that could also be you.

You arrive at the gate of your apartment quicker than you would have liked. Neither of you move to separate; when you look back at Yoongi, you see that his eyes are trained on you. He doesn’t even flinch away like he used to. His lips are pursed, like he wants to say something but he’s still too afraid to.

So you say it for him instead.

“Do you have… somewhere to be?” Unlike you, he still has a job. He still has commitments. He still has a life outside of you. You’re hit with fear, once again, at the sudden change in your circumstances.

You might never get to see him again. Is this where your paths cross, never to intersect again? Your stomach drops at the thought, leaving a bitter taste in your mouth.

“No, I don’t. I could…” Yoongi trails off, glancing at your apartment with soft hesitance. “If… If you want me to…”

Yes. Please. I’d love it. I love yo–– ”Yes. Stay with me?” you mumble.

“Always,” he promises.

The pair of you trudge up to your apartment, passing by the prying eyes of housewives with your heads bowed in embarrassment. They don’t miss your pinkies linked behind your backs, nor the subtle blushes on the apples of your cheeks. Thankfully, they don’t comment when Yoongi enters your apartment after you, but they do giggle when his coat gets caught on the door handle in his rush.

When the two of you are finally alone, the air isn’t as awkward as you had feared. You work like two cogs in a machine; he readies your TV and scrolls through your Netflix for a movie, while you go to your kitchen and have a small mental breakdown (while also microwaving some popcorn). Soon, the two of you are snuggled into your small couch, elbows barely brushing against each other.

You’re only half paying attention to the generic action movie that Yoongi had put on; you were still deep in your thoughts. You’re picking away at your hangnail, worrying your lip as you try to enjoy what might be the last time you’ll ever get to hang out with Yoongi again. You’re so deep in your musings that you don’t immediately feel when Yoongi wraps his arms around your shoulder, nestling your head into his chest.

“W… What?” You crane your head and stare at Yoongi in shock, but he’s already returned his attention back to the movie. His cheeks are burning.

You’re still stiff with tension despite his comforting caresses against your hair, so he changes tactics and brings your hand up to his.

You think he’s just going to hold your hand, but he keeps bringing your hand up until it gently caresses his face. Just as you’re about to ask him what he’s doing, he curls your fingers until only your pointer is left unfurled, and casually uses it to poke himself in the cheek.

He leaves it there for a second or two, and when you finally turn to face him, he’s smiling so sweetly at you that you almost feel compelled to cry again. His eyes and nose are all scrunched up, rose petal gums on full display. Your finger is still pressed gently into his soft cheeks.

“You said you liked to dream about poking my bread cheeks. Well, here’s your chance,” he says, like it’s nothing at all. As if what he has done was as simple as breathing.

Yoongi’s smile brightens when he feels your form relax against him, giggling softly when you go to pinch his cheek for good measure.

“Bread cheekies,” you say, like you’re in a trance.

Yoongi nods. “Bread cheekies,” he repeats. “And it’s all yours.”

There’s a promise in there, you know. Somehow, he had sensed your worry and had thought of the perfect way to calm you. Like always, he never has to say it. He’s never needed words, anyway.

The two of you stay like that for hours. The sun sets as surely as the moon rises, and Min Yoongi stays with you through the night. When your mind drifts off and only your steady breathing fills the room, Min Yoongi brushes a small kiss against your forehead.

“Dream of happiness, my love,” he whispers into your skin, just when he thinks you’re asleep, “I’ll dream of you, too.”

It’s a promise that he keeps.

There is a boy you know who never learned how to say he loves you, but it never mattered all that much to you––not when he’s willing to show you over and over again. It goes something like this––

[certifiedceraunophile]

Hi! A fan of your writing here. I just love the way you write Caroline. An Avoidable Heart is my comfort fic and I am constantly in awe with the way you write and craft the dynamics in that story. Caroline's inner monologue is just priceless and God! I just love that intro scene where Caroline is walking into the Mikaelson compound with vampires and hybrids in the surrounding ready to pounce on her.

I would love to hear how you would have visualized Caroline crossing over into TO or not? Like in what season and why? How it would have likely gone?

Thank you!

First of all lovely anon gimme a moment to breathe, asdfghjkl why are people so lovely 😭😭🥺✨ It means sooo much to me that you’d take the time to jump into my inbox and send these kind words, like please I’m not worthyyyyy, But you make me smile and feel really freaking warm so *handcuffs your hand to mine* you aint leaving 💖✨💞🙃

But OK ALSO oh my god dude THAT CAROLINE WALTZS INTO THE COMPOUND AND TAKES ON A COUPLE HUNDRED VAMPIRES BY HERSELF SCENE???? Ughhhhh I’m sorry but I have SUCH a boner for Caroline in that, like my badass -I admit kinda op- QUEEN IS HERE and she’s fucking shit up, I’m sorry but I love that scene so much it’s so dear to me I was killing myself over how self-indulgent and grossly Over powered Caroline is but like idgaf man it’s such a hot scene and Caroline is practically invincible and we just love to see that, so seriously lovely anon, you telling me you LOVE that scene??? Puts the biggest smile on my face and reassures me a LOT bc I was whining and cribbing over how absolutely unbalanced that scene is to literally everyone BUT LIKE YOU JUMPING OUT OF NOWHERE and pointing that exact scene UGHH…...meant to fucking be the both of us 💖💞✨

And ALSO Caroline’s monologue is quite honestly the easiest inner monologue out of the three voices I wrote for that work, Klaus’s is the real pain in the ass tbvh like it is NOT easy writing pretentious besotted losers with a Kardashian complex especially when you need to make them sound cool when they’re the lamest OP dude bros to ever exist - and no I don’t hate Klaus although I seem to try my darndest to convince ppl I do- I just personally believe that a feral fucker like that with a thousand years of existence under his belt can grow a pair and graduate from his kindergarten level of emotional maturity to adult sometime soon, But then on the flipside he’s so grossly adorkably smitten and feral for Caroline plus hella horny for her all the time that its usually easy to write the trashed and devoted idiot he is into something pretentious and powerful and potent when relating to his unflappable arrogance and his narcissism, but sometimes I also need him to be *deep* and ffs profound for the sake of the plot and jfc my muse just wont work with me on that, she’s like I’m sorry I’m not about to bust my ass to make this mongrel intelligible like no sir all I wanna do is make him uncomfortably horny for Caroline and leave him like that.

So smh yeah the struggle is real….but lmao Caroline is just so precious and fiercely protective and just so achingly lonely in that story, so desperate for connection and trust and intimacy yet so guarded and impervious to everyone like it hurts me to write her like that but it really challenges me as an author to balance out her inherent light with the “void” I create in her and through her, so yeah it’s a very fulfilling task and I wouldnt change it one bit, and also I had to balance out her physical op-ness w half a millennium of the ugliest emotional trauma lol so I guess that figures, but the point being….once again I am overjoyed knowing that you liked a facet of the story that I tried so hard to make as authentically Caroline and achingly real and moving as I can and I cannot possibly feel more accomplished than rn for it so ty ty ty ty for reaching out to me and telling me *tackle hugs* It makes me GIDDY knowing that you enjoyed that particular part of the story like ugh stab me please you're too sweet.

And ok NOW, coming to The Originals part of the ask, (also please note that when I say TO headcanon; Hope does not exist, Hayley is a dead in a ditch and ofc Klaus will stop being that lil bitch they tried to pawn off as Klaus in TO) 

HEADCANON 1

Honestly my biggest headcanon when it comes to TO crossovers somehow always include non-humanity!Caroline like it’s just so perfect to me?? The opportunity to make shit BLOW UP b/w them like imagine the DEBAUCHERY, the heat, the SEXUAL TENSION, the repression of one Klaus Mikaelson, the EXPLORATIONS, and omg the role reversal when Klaus has to be the voice of moral reason between them and not bc he believes Caroline would not be able to stand herself if she does something heinous and monstrous but bc he wants her to be completely and utterly herself, and yk *aware*, when she DECIMATES ppl to the ground and is in full-on predator mode, like he wants her monster to come out and play with him when no part of Caroline is locked away or suppressed, so obviously when she is w/o her humanity KLAUS exercises restraint on her behalf, like can you imagine that, Klaus restraining himself and being the vague, extremely broken and just largely inaccurate moral compass between the two of them for ALL the wrong reasons- and the entirety of NOLA just standing there watching him herd this baby vampire who seems to be intent on riling him up and angering him when all she is doing is giving him a massive hybrid hard on, like IMAGINE THE GOODNESS of non-humanity Caroline wrecking NOLA and Klaus letting her wreck it bc he is helpless in the face of Caroline Forbes and also bc he is quite honestly *enjoying* the debauchery himself so why put a damper on the festivities.

-I might wanna add that I favour this headcanon a lot bc I genuinely do not even remotely *like* the idea of NOLA as Klaus's chosen place to set his roots so like I would love Caroline going to NOLA and destroying everything there just bc I detest NOLA and the storyline behind it in TO. (yes is it petty? Obvi, but like I am a petty soul and I make no apologies ma’am)

HEADCANON 2

So yeah that’s my main TO headcanon, but my other one being, one I talk about very frequently, scream about in tag rants to an obsessive level, and like this is a cracky one but still very valid, where Caroline rolls up to NOLA humanity intact and all, finds Hayley preggo and is just laughing her fucking ass off bc anybody ANYBODY, with half a brain and a two minute convo w klaus would know how UTTERLY stupid the entire baby shit is especially when it’s with an immemorable one night stand, and Caroline’s just losing her shit about how like an entire city is obssessed w this baby and she just straight up tells Klaus he’d SUCK as a dad (which he really does tho like he was a shitty fucking dad canonically too) and Klaus is just like *sigh* girl tell me about it. I mean basically he’s finally relieved that someone is on his side about the whole baby thing and how he definitely does not want his entire millennium of life to finally sum up to this one squalling leaking stinky infant/unicorn Hayley is apparently baking in her oven, and I say this headcanon is cracky bc klaus would never have put up w this mess long enough for Caroline to come in and sort it out, there’s this preferred method of disposal of his called heart ripping that would've been employed quite early on and honestly saved us all a lot of brain cells and minused years of life, bc let’s be real any Klaus who’s NOT a lil snivelling bitch wearing a Klaus skinsuit would’ve yeeted the baby and the mama first chance he got, and that’s just how I see it.

Lmao I really hope I didnt scare you away w my *strong* opinions Ik they can be a bit much but I enjoy having them so theyre not going anywhere, anyways this ask answer got WAYYYY too long but I’m hoping I answered your question well with this or atleast left you slightly confused and bemused over my feral screaming....either ways I’m really really really happy to have got your ask and the chance to rant so much bs, Twas cathartic and honestly I had nothing to do today so I was more than happy to dish this baby out for you. Thank you so much sweet anon for putting a smile on my face today I am absolutely HONOURED by your words you’sa cutie 💖💞✨🗣🗣

[akvtsuki-ari]

Sweetheart (Ch.1)

Warnings: Mentions of BDSM and bunch of other kinks but nothing sexual in this chapter lol. Sub!Spencer and Femdom!Reader 

Length: 5.3k 

Authors Note: this is hands down the most self-indulgent shit ive ever wrote but do i care? the answer is no dsjk  but this that series i had planned where the reader introduces spencer to proper BDSM and all that. hoping to make this fic kinda informative also lol. also im uploading this fic on ao3 as well. also no tags for this fic bc its really specific and ill probably be writing for it for a while! sorry about that

Plot Summary: Spencer Reid just wanted to be.., well, you know. He doesn’t expect to find much when he signs up for a BDSM dating website but somehow he manages you and he couldn’t be more delighted

Spencer Reid was certainly a lot of things. He was a lover of the arts, someone who had a particular affinity for 15th-century literature, a magician at best, a theater nerd at worst, and a teacher when life called for it. He loves the world even when it's really dark and he loves sleeping in even more. He loves his friends and they love him too - even when they pretend that his random facts annoy them. Spencer Reid was a friend, an FBI agent, a genius with an IQ of 187, and a son to a mother he loves wholly. He was a lot of things and for the most part - he knew a lot about what he really loved to do. He supposed that it's been like that his whole life.

It's not everyday that he discovers something new about himself. About everything else? Always. He loves to learn, but about himself? There's never all that much on the frontier.

It's hard to say, because of that, when Spencer discovered he was a sub. It's difficult to pinpoint a specific time and place, or even how the pieces got put together. He just remembers how it felt when it hit him, like a freight train going 100 miles an hour into a concrete wall. Or a plane crashing onto an island. Or like a fly hitting the glass panes of a delivery truck. He remembers the feeling when he was deftly reminded of this fact. Spencer Reid was a sub - through and through and he wasn't really sure what to make of it.

Surprisingly to most of his direct peers, Spencer wasn't a virgin. He'd had sex with 2 people who he'd been kinda friends with at some point, but it always got a little weird after that. The second time though, the girl ended up choking him a little bit when she got off and Spencer thought he had died. Not in a bad way, more in a "I'm so turned on by this I feel like I've genuinely gone to heaven," sort of way. He didn't think it was possible for a sexual encounter to make him feel like that but it did. It didn't stop after that either, which was the most agitating part. 

Spencer doesn't consider himself a sexual person. Sex is about intimacy and companionship, and hopefully love when he finds that someday. Sex isn't necessarily about pleasure but that wasn't an easy lesson to learn.

Spencer just wanted to understand - so like any great genius he participated in thought experiments. It's normally a female superhero/supervillain that crosses his mind (he has an affinity for Poison Ivy), and he just kinda imagines what it would be like if they did what she did. The choking turned him on, but it wasn't enough. Through that, he figures out that he had more than a choking kink and that he was more than a little interested in a partner having complete access to him. He thought about it for weeks and the getting off was working for him but he couldn't get the fantasy out of his head. He wanted more - he wanted someone to fulfill his wishes.

It was too much for him to ignore. Those months of being able to hold off through masturbating are over and he's just sorta itching. Aching to act on those impulses with another person who can give him what he needs, and he doesn't want it to be transactional. Maybe it's too ideal to want a partner out of such an endeavor but was it so wrong? To want real affection and romance from someone who could also overpower him wasn't a crime and he'd be damned if he pretended to want any less. Spencer was just searching, even if it was rather desperately. 

So, when Spencer finds himself on a BDSM dating site and he feels like his life is in shambles, he can only blame himself. It's not something he'd normally do but he's getting a little more than relentless about it but he also just wants to see what's out there. He's so out of it was it happens, it felt like he was being possessed as he made a fake email and wrote out his account information. Definitely blaming it on possession, he thinks. 

It's too late to go back, as he scrolls through tons of profiles of rather intense looking people. He's not surprised, this is where people go to express themselves. They're entitled to that, it just sucks since he's just not ready for such levels of intensity. He wonders if he's in too deep yet, but he figures he'd hit that mark a long time ago and keeps scrolling through profiles. There wasn't much to go off of, many people not choosing to use photos for the sake of anonymity, which was good for Spencer. He clicks onto his own profile, reading his own bio carefully.

USERNAME: DOC187 

SUB/ SWITCH / DOM 

M / F / O

FETISHES: N/A

BIO: Interest in a dominant female companion. Completely inexperienced.

Spencer feels ridiculous, but he doubts anyone would even message him. He doesn't have much on his profile and he keeps things short for that purpose. He wanted to stay as low to the ground as possible - more curious to explore what was going in the world than to find anything legitimate. He scrolls through hundreds of profiles, mostly of people who were BDSM vets looking for new connections or fun. Some people catch his eye but they don't match his interests so he doesn't bother.

Except, one profile. The bio was beyond interesting to Spencer.

USERNAME: MISS—LILAC

SUB / SWITCH / DOM 

M / F / O 

FETISHES: Sadomasochist, Degradation, Humiliation, Pegging, Overstimulation, Edging, Crossdressing, Exhibitionism, Mutual Masturbation, Dacryphilia, Shibari/Gags/Bondage, Wax Play, Impact Play, Breath Play, General Sensation Play, Discipline, Collaring, Begging. Willing to try most things. 

BIO: Interested in submissive males of any experience level. Helps if you're interesting and like to read and watch indie films. Looking for genuine connection and plenty of good banter. Curly hair is nice too. lol.

Before Spencer can think about it for too long his mouse clicks over that stupid little message button next to your profile. Spencer shakes his head at his own existence as he types you a message. Says you're online right now, but Spencer's sure he won't get a response for a while.

DOC187: Seems I fit who you're interested in. I even have the curly hair.

Spencer chews on his nails anxiously before he sighs at himself. He has no clue what's gotten into him belle before he can think he sees your 3-dotted bubble pop up. He feels his body wracked with nerves.

MISS—LILAC: I'm guessing you like to read and watch indie films too?

Spencer smiles. You seem interesting and the fact that the two of you were just talking normal was making Spencer happy.

DOC187: Indeed. I'm a sucker for 15-century literature and anything in Russian and foreign language. You?

MISS—LILAC: 15th century huh? I'll assume Chaucer. And Russian? You're interesting, doc. I'm more modern and English, hope you're not deterred.

Spencer smiles, surprised that you recognize an author as niche as Chaucer. He shakes his head at your commentary. He almost forgets that both of you are on a BDSM dating site and the irony doesn't escape him.

DOC187: Deterred? Never. I think you're rather interesting too, Miss Lilac.

MISS—LILAC: Ever the gentleman doc. I'm hoping you won't run away if I ask you more personal questions.

Spencer swallows. He types back quickly.

DOC187: What kinds of questions?

MISS—LILAC: If it's okay, you're real name and what you do. My names Y/N, and I'm a florist. I live in DC and I love romance novels.

Spencer smiles. He appreciates you laying down the path for him, knowing the stakes.

DOC187: My names Spencer and I work for the FBI. I also live in DC, and I love magic.

MISS—LILAC: Magic? I'd love for you to show me sometime.

Spencer swallows. Part of him feels like it's a stupid idea to ask you out so early but if you asked, he'd likely say yes. He decides to wait it out.

DOC187: I'd be more than happy to show you.

MISS—LILAC: I suppose you could send me a video but that's not the same as seeing the magic in real life, now is it?

Spencer is smiling like an idiot at this point. He shakes his head a little, jittery.

DOC187: Infinitely better live, I would say.

MISS—LILAC: Seems like I've found an excuse to ask you on a date then. Saturday's work for me but I'm sure it depends on you, FBI man. Before that, I'm gonna drop my number and I'll be expecting your call. (XXX-XXX-XXXX)

Spencer giggles. It's a little out of range for things he's used to doing, giggling aloud for someone else is certainly new. Spencer picks up his phone and dials away, anxious to call you but excited nonetheless. He heard you pick up the phone and his heart catches in his throat.

"Hello?," Your voice is smooth, and a little bit lower than he was expecting. It sounds pretty.

"Hello, Y/N," Spencer says back. He heard you laugh on the other side and can't help the way his heart flutters.

"Lovely to talk to you doc,"

"Still Doc? Not Spencer?" Spencer questions. You smile on the other side of the line.

"Doc seems to fit you. But, for the sake of formality, hello Spencer,"

"I like Doc too, but it feels like I should have a nickname for you as well. Only seems fair," Spencer says laughing quietly.

"If it's your prerogative you can call me Miss Lilac, or just Miss but..." you trail off for a minute. Spencer squints.

"Miss is a title, you know? Doesn't seem fair for you to call me that when I haven't earned it from you yet. I'm sure we'll get there but for now you can just call me Y/N," you say softly. Spencer blushes bright red, his voice betraying him as he speaks.

"O-Oh, well um - where does the name Lilac come from? Normally people go with their names when it comes to stuff like that," Spencer says shyly. He heard you laugh on the other side of the phone and blushes again, grateful you can't see him.

"I love the language of flowers and flowers themselves. It's a way to speak that not many people know - but I like the meaning and look of lilacs. White lilacs represent purity, so that was a bit of irony, but light purple lilacs mean first love," you say carefully.

"First love?," Spencer asks. You bite your lip for a moment.

"I joke that BDSM is my first love since it's such a big part of my life. Not as big as some but not small for certain. It gave me much needed confidence so I joke that it was my first," You say lightly. You hear Spencer giggle on the other side and you smile.

"What about your username? Any significance to DOC187 that I should know of?," you readjust your seat on your couch as you talk. Spencer grows a bit embarrassed.

"I normally introduce myself as Doctor Spencer Reid for work, not a medical doctor but I have three PhD's," Spencer admits. You raise your brows but hear the hesitation in his voice.

"Very, very impressive doc. What about the 187? It could be a plain ol' number but my guess would be otherwise,"

"That's my IQ, actually. I don't think intelligence can be boiled down and quantified like that but I couldn't think of anything else," Spencer explains.

"So you're a certified genius with 3 PhD's? To say I'm impressed is an understatement. Anything else impressive you'd like to tell me before I totally pick your brains," you say a little shocked.

"You wanna pick my brains?," Spencer asks. You wanna laugh at the irony of such a silly question from such an intelligent man but you refrain.

"Who wouldn't?," you say incredulously. Spencer smiles shyly.

"The only other thing is that I can read 20,000 words per minute," Spencer says trying to deflect. Your jaw dropped before but it manages to unhinge a little further.

"There's a lot to get to know about you Doctor Reid,"

"I'm sure it's the same for you," Spencer replies.

"Guess we'll have to find out won't we?," you say smiling.

Damn, Spencer got lucky. Hopefully he'd get to find out soon

_____

"Reid, are you listening?," Derek's voice snaps Spencer out of his entranced state. His smiling expression snaps up to look at Derek who looks a little exasperated.

"Sorry, what was that?," Spencer asks back. Derek puts down the case file they were working on. They had just finished a case and needed to complete some paperwork before submitting it for review and to be used in court. The job was given to him and Morgan and Spencer was evidently distracted.

"Alright, kid - what is up with you? All case you've been checking your phone non-stop and spacing out, all smiles and giggles. C'mon now kid, seriously. You got a little lady at home waiting for you or is there something else I don't know about?," Derek interrogates. Spencer doesn't really know what to make of it, though it's not really in his interest to hide you, it hasn't really come up with anyone on the team yet so it was proving difficult to decide what to do. The smile on his face manages to appear again as he starts to think about you, the tips of his ears red.

"Reid," Morgan says again, with a small look of irritation.

"Her names Y/N," Spencer blurts out faster than he can't think. Derek gives him a huge grin, holding his hand out to dap Spencer up. Spencer just looks at it confused for a second before getting the memo.

"'My man," Derek says chuckling. Before Spencer can continue Prentiss, JJ, and Garcia walk in. Hotch is the only one missing, and Spencer's a little grateful.

"What are we celebrating in here you guys?," Prentiss asks first. Spencer goes to say something to move away from his sudden confession but Derek is quick to cut him off.

"Our boy genius over here got him a little lady," Derek announces. The whole team erupts in questions and Spencer wants to bury himself.

"Congratulations, Spencer!! How long have you two been dating?," Prentiss asks.

"You guys are so dramatic. It's only been two months but no first date because well..." Spencer trails off. JJ just nods her head.

"Duty calls, I'm guessing" JJ finishes. Spencer nods deflated hearing Emily draw a breath between her teeth.

"That's tough, Spence,"

Just as Spencer goes to give a response back he gets a text from you that makes his day a little better. It's a selfie of you at work, a picture your employee must've taken of you in a room full of new flower deliveries. You're giving Spencer a toothy grin as you hold a bunch of gardenias in your hand.

Y/N 🌸: *image attachment* 

Gardenias// You're lovely + Secret Love <33

Spencer cannot control the way his whole face bunches up in a smile, as if there's no one else in the room with him. Everyone just looks at him surprised, Garcia giving him a side-eye.

"How can you guys trust this stranger? We don't even know who she is! I haven't even run any background checks on her," Garcia complains. Prentiss nudges her side.

"I don't know if it matters - look at how hard he's smiling over there," Prentiss says. Garcia reluctantly looks and can't help but sigh.

"Okay well he seems really happy but still! We don't even know her," she pouts.

"I'm sure we'll meet her soon," JJ snickers at Spencer's lovestruck expression. Derek leans over Spencer's shoulder and raises his brows.

"Is that her, kid?," Derek asks. Spencer nods, simply staring at the picture you sent. Derek whistles when he sees you - you're genuinely stunning and he's surprised to say the least.

"Hot mama, pretty boy - how'd you manage that?," Derek asks, dumbfounded. Emily rolls her eyes.

"C'mon Derek, I'm sure - oh wow," Emily leans over Spencer's shoulder to see you and is met with the same reaction. JJ and Garcia are quick to follow thereafter, both looking equally as surprised.

"She's..." JJ trails off. The rest of the team just nods as Spencer grins ear to ear.

Spencer 🐻: Beautiful, as always.

Spencer ignores the rest of the team as they look at each other in disbelief.

Y/N🌸: Me or the flowers, Doc?

Spencer🐻: Both, but mostly you.

"Wow, Spencer you're really -" Prentiss starts

"You're whipped, kid. I mean seriously whipped," Derek finishes, nodding in agreement. JJ can't help but smile, giving Spencer a small pat on the back.

"She seems lovely, Spencer. How'd you two meet?," JJ says. Garcia stands around looking rather suspicious. A blush creeps onto Spencer's neck as he's reminded of how you two met.

"Online," Spencer says shortly. No one decides to question it, and Spencer thanks every god he can think of.

"Have you two FaceTimed yet? How can we know she's not, I don't know - catfishing you? Or scamming you in some other cyber criminal way?," Garcia sounds distressed. Spencer gives a small smile.

"We fall asleep over FaceTime every night," Spencer admits. Penelope's expression falls, and Prentiss gives a smile.

"That is disgustingly cute," JJ says laughing.

"Okay, well - I'm still running a background check on her," Garcia says stubbornly "But, I'm happy for you,"

"Thanks Garcia," Spencer mumbles out as he texts you again.

Y/N🌸: I wanna see you, love

Spencer blushes red as he reads your message. The word love makes his whole face hot.

Spencer🐻: I can't take a selfie for my life

Y/N🌸: You're with your team aren't you? Get them to take a picture of you.

Spencer wants to fold away, not ever really being the picture type, but how could he ever deny you.

Spencer🐻: How could I ever say no to you?

"Hey guys, can one of you take a picture of me for Y/N?" Spencer asks embarrassingly red. The whole team sends him a look of surprise.

"I'll take it Spence, try not to look as uncomfortable as you do right now," JJ says. The whole team refrains from laughing as Spencer gives an awkward smile. He thanks JJ who hands him back his phone before texting you again.

Spencer🐻: *image attachment* You owe me one

Y/N🌸: you're stunning as always. hadn't seen you in so long I almost forgot what you looked like.

Spencer🐻: stunnings an interesting choice of words.

Y/N🌸: I said what I said, doc. 

Spencer can't help but do a little giggle, that causes the whole team to give him a look. Morgan just shakes his head, shrugging. Emily, JJ, and Garcia just look at each other before the room draws into a subtle but comfortable silence as Spencer just smiles, totally unaware of how whipped he happened to look. He didn’t seem to mind either way. 

___

"How was work?," Spencer asks over the phone, kicking his shoes off as he looks into his fridge for something to eat. He hears you sigh on the other side of the line.

"Busy today - wedding season is coming up so tons of calls for centerpiece designs and costs. It's going well though, business couldn't be better," you say, clearly tired yet content. Spencer gives a small smile and feels relieved that things are going okay for you.

"That's really good. I'm glad you're feeling alright," Spencer replies. You ease into the couch as you talk to Spencer, relaxing by the second. 

"What about you, FBI man? You have an okay day?," Your voice is full of a gentle concern that Spencer appreciates.

"Yeah, just paperwork and JJ said that we shouldn't have any upcoming cases this week to be worried about so I have the weekend off," Spencer says without thought.

"Have any special plans for the weekend?," you say cheekily. Spencer, still not having caught on, shakes his head for a second.

"No, why?,"

"Hm... well - would you like to go on a date with me then Doctor Reid?," You ask, giggling. Spencer's eyes widen in realization as he facepalms for a moment.

"Wow, I didn't even think... yes - yes I would love to go on a date with you Y/N," Spencer says laughing at his own misfortune. You shake your head instinctively, but the growing smile and even further growing adoration makes it hard to sit still.

"Hey, Spencer," you say, butterflies filling your stomach.

"Yeah?"

"I really like you,"

____

Saturday comes quicker than Spencer can really understand. You told him not to worry about what the days plans would be but he can't help it. Anxiously awaiting you in front of the cafe that the two of you were supposed to meet at, in a part of town Spencer hasn't really seen before. You said that you'd lead the way and the irony isn't lost on him.

"Spencer?," Your voice is small, as you call out to what you think is Spencer Reid. Of course, you'd seen him before but to see him in person like this was still so unfamiliar. His head shoots up, eyes searching for you. He's delighted to have found you, certainly that was true as he walks towards you. Your arms envelop him in a friendly hug and he can't help but find himself sinking into. You smelled sweet, like fruit and flowers (which makes sense, the more he thinks about it)

"Lovely to finally meet you, Y/N,"

"Same goes for you, doc. Would you like to be informed of our plans for the day, or do you prefer the element of surprise?,"  You ask smiling. Spencer laughs at your question.

"Details would be appreciated, but I get the feeling you're not gonna give me those."

"You're right! It's a trick question, since it's a surprise. But, promise it'll be good,"

"I'll take your word for it then," Spencer says with a small smile. You hold your hand out for Spencer which he accepts, locking his hands with yours. The affection makes him feel full of warmth, as you lead him away for the day you had planned for the both of you.

___

Spencer underestimated how well you knew him. He really, really did. It's hard to explain since Spencers been on a date before but this was so profoundly different. He's a little touched, but beyond that he's just.. surprised? Every date he'd been on before this, he'd have to play the gentleman but it never seemed like the other person was interested in just him. It was always casual small-talk over dinner, or a mid-day coffee date or something else that just felt mundane but this was beyond Spencer's imagination.

The first place you took him was a bookstore - which was in Spencers mind already a winner for best date he'd ever been on. You walked inside with him and told him he had to pick up a book for you and you had to pick up a book for him and to say his heart absolutely fluttered would be an understatement. He picked up up a copy of "The Screwtape Tales," by C.S. Lewis for you, and you gave him a copy of Shel Silverstein's "Where The Sidewalk Ends." For you, you got a glimpse to see what Spencer's sense of humor was and you gave Spencer a piece of your childhood. Both equal but opposite forms of intimacy. The only thing was Spencer had to wait to read his book because it's relatively shorter than yours and he reads 20,000 words per minute.

The next place you took Spencer was an indoor butterfly garden. Does he have to explain why that's a good date? He heard you talk about all the scientific names for the different flowers and why they attract butterflies and he wasn't sure he could crush any harder on you if he tried. A particular moment sticks out to him on which a butterfly landed on your shoulders and just stayed there like it didn't want to leave. Spencer's eyes were fixated on it the whole time - and he had never wanted to be a butterfly in his life before but he figures there's a first time for everything.

The last place, where the both of you were at now was just a small coffee shop, locally owned and supported by the community here. You told Spencer that when you started up your shop, you'd come in here to work on big orders before you'd expanded enough to have employees. Spencer admires your work ethic, much more than he could ever anticipate as he sits down at a small booth, totally covering the both of you as you return to the table with a little plate of banana bread and two iced coffees. Spencer pouts as he looks up at you, watching you flash him a grin.

"I could've helped you carry this over," Spencer complains gently. You roll your eyes.

"Maybe next time doc," you say softly. You hold back your commentary often on the date, and Spencer pretends not to notice for your sake but he'd be lying if he said he didn't wanna know. You always had something sly to say but you'd kept it from him so many times now he figures it's better if he didn't ask.

Spencer looks at you as you push a plate of banana bread towards him. He looks at you with curious eyes before reading your clearly excited face and laughs. He picks up a piece and examines it, before taking a bite. If it tasted as good as it smelled then he would be more than obliged.

The involuntary moan that escapes Spencer's throat makes you choke with laughter. Shit, you weren't kidding when you said this was the best banana bread in the city. Spencer just looks up at you like he's about to cry with joy as you double over in giggles.

"I know," You say softly, taking a bite yourself eyes filling with joy "I ordered some more for us to take home - you're welcome," you say with confidence. Spencer smiles because that is genuinely thoughtful, but it was more endearing to see you pretend it wasn't. He just shakes his head, a blush arising to his face as he looks at you. You're staring at him with intent. He quirks his brow at you in question.

"I had a good time today, Spencer" You say warmly. You only called him Spencer when you were saying something affectionate and a bit serious. He gives you a toothy smile.

"I haven't been on very many dates, but this was easily the best one I'd ever been on," Spencer says honestly. You grin ear to ear, hands carefully holding Spencer across the table, running your thumb over his knuckles for a few seconds. You couldn't say for sure whether it was too soon to ask him to be your boyfriend, but you'd be damned if you said it didn't cross your mind.

Spencer was mind-numbingly unaware of what good boyfriend material he was, but beyond that - what good submissive boyfriend material he was. It was driving you nuts, but you knew this was all new for him and you didn't wanna freak him out. Even when guys say they're interested in being submissive, they're still often times uncomfortable with you being fully dominant. Dominant in public and in bed, if you will. You wanted to pay for dates, and buy him flowers, and make him feel special too - at least on the occasion. That role came naturally to you, that let me make you feel owned type affection that only a dominant person can give. It scared men off - out of relationships, and you totally got why - but you liked Spencer too much as a person to risk iit.

Spencer holds your hands together, gathering your attention. You looked at him spaced out and he gives you a look of concern.

"You okay?," Spencer asks. You nod, chewing your lip in debate of whether or not you should express your concerns. Spencer just tugs on your hand and looks at you intently.

You sigh, looking at Spencer softly.

"I'm okay I just really like you," you say a little exasperated. Spencer laughs but is filled with relief.

"I'm glad to hear that. What else is on your mind?,"

"I really like you - like in an, I want you to officially by my boyfriend way and I hope it's not too soon but I'm just, worried I guess," you say nervously. Spencer can't help the way his heart beats in his chest when he hears you say boyfriend. God did he want to be your boyfriend.

"What're you worried about?,"

"I'm worried about freaking you out. I can be a lot since I'm... you know?," You say nervously. Spencer looks at you  to continue.

"I'm more than just dominant in bed, and for a lot of guys it's not their thing and that's their right but I like you so much. I really don't want that to happen if I ask you out now and you realize that it's not for you," you say in clear upset.

Spencer looks at you in disbelief. You were worried that he was gonna freak out over that? That you were too dominant for him? It feels like such a silly concern but the expression on your face tells him you're speaking from experience.

"I mean, it's all kinda new to me but, well - I do like how you treat me? It's a nice change, I can't imagine myself getting tired of it, or of you. I really like you too," Spencer tried his best to reassure you without totally embarrassing you. You smiles at Spencer but your face is still full of doubt.

"If that ever changes, I'll tell you but I'd really like to call you my girlfriend," Spencer finishes. You can't help the warmth that spreads in your stomach at the offer. You just nod, looking up at him. You stand and walk to Spencer's side of the booth, sliding in next to him, leaning your head into his shoulder for a few while seconds. You sit back up, and Spencer turns to you.

"Hey, doc," you say softly. Spencer hums in acknowledgement.

"Can I kiss you?," you ask softly. Spencer chews his lip and nods, looking down at your lip. You're wearing lipgloss and it makes them look pretty - you are so pretty to Spencer.

Kisses are their own language, Spencer figures. The way someone kisses you can tell you a lot about who they are - so, when you put your hands on the side of Spencer's face, pulling him closer to you with such care and adoration - Spencer can feel what you were referencing earlier. The word Miss rings out in his mind, the way you pay attention to him with your hands. He feels your lips press against his, slowly gliding your fingers in his hair, thumb brushing agains the side of his cheek. Your other hand rested on his inner thigh and he has to think about anything other than that not to get hard. Spencer didn't get how much he'd been thinking about touching you until you'd do with no hesitation and he lets out a small whine. You pull back and Spencer has to catch his breath.

His lashes blink up at you and you're absolutely beaming.

"You're cute baby,"

Baby? Spencer wants to cover his face when you say it. You kiss him again and he can't help but feel flush.

You were Spencer's girlfriend and then some and he couldn't be more happy.

[hannie-dul-set]

hello its me again !! yesterday I told you I followed u bc of your love for jaemin and your funny humour but today I want to add something else, and thaTS YOUR AMAZING WRITING SKILLS !!

i just finished reading the masterpiece that is Top of the world and I'm so shaken up by the excellence of the rich vocabulary, the sentence structure and just the way you wrote the various events that happened. I'm such at a lost of words to express what I feel you have no ideas, I will never recover from the high quality of this story. it couldn't have been better than that what you delivered and I'm just so so relieved to have been able to live this amazing experience of reading such an outstanding story. I'm sorry maybe you're thinking im showering you in too much compliments but you deserves to be praised for having written Top of the world.

I will always be amazed with how people who write are able to wrote down their imagination and wow, im still shaking like.. Im so impressed by you you have no ideas 🙈

moving on, this is the first time ever since I'm reading nct fics on tumblr that I came across this characterization of jaemin, and it is a real take of fresh air in the best way possible even tho he's really such an asshole like wow the popularity did go too high in his head I was so scandalized (in a good way lmao it made me amazed) with how an ass he was and like the way he ordered around jisung ???? djjdjffjhf I- I wanted to punch jaemin so hard 😤 I wanted to dive into the story and beat his ass lmaooo im sure you too, like I was rolling around in my bed bc I couldn't stay still and laying down without reacting ㅠㅠ

I dont know at what length of words the ask can tolerate but let me tell you something before I forgot ! I realized that every situations/events you wrote had a purpose, like you didn't wrote basic actions that we would pass over without much attention, and bc of that you held our attention during the 15.6k of words and it was so much overwhelming I couldn't stop reading just to breathe lol, you kept me going for so long and I really liked it im so sad that I lived this experience and I couldn't live it again *sobs* this is so revolting I want to pat your head you did so so well 🥺

alsooooo, when you introduced yn's character in the beginning, I was kinda afraid that he would bully her physically you know, like I couldn't imagining you daring to write him being more than despicable than he was but thanks god that wasn't what I imagined fjdjfj, the way he exercised his 'dominance' towards someone he didn't know just for a seat lmao, wow he got some real balls ?¿ I was scandalized a lot fjjfjffj but I was curious too about jeno's character in the story, he was so chill (I think?) about yn's being involved with jaemin from the start and I was expecting him to be an asshole to her just like jaem, u know ? could we know your motives about jeno's character in the story ? why didn't you wrote him like jaemin?

I will speed up a little fjfjj or else I will write you 6 pages of my thoughts lmao

but yeah !! so, I really liked the contrast between how we perceived yn's outside facade and inside, like when he make her kneels in front of him, you made us look at her from jaemin's view and how she looked not so bothered by his behavior and then you switched the second after into yn's point of view and how she tried to not show her emotions... *mind blowing* 🤯 not gonna lie, I was rotting for her to not let him mess with her head but instead her doing that to him and it kinda worked fjfjfjf and then I knew the moment he was surprised about the non effect he had on her that it was the start of his fall anD I WASN'T A SECOND DISAPPOINTED

I FUCKING LOVED THE BLOSSOMING REALTIONSHIP BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM anD the slight graduation of jaemin's becoming soft to her oh my god I had hearts in my eyes. I loved every moments of this story (I loved the entire 15.6k words of it, I cherished them), but the pool scene toward the end made me go feral for a lot of minutes like the picture you implanted in my head of him in the water made me post all my thoughts (also blonde jaemin? as in, make a wish jaemin?, god I hope bc fucking damn, he was so so so hot)

I was so emotional at the end, they got together and just, being the witness of jaemin's character development was breathtaking, I couldn't stop thinking about how smooth you made it for his character development during all the story, it wasn't forced or too quick...

It was perfect

omg.... [CLUTCHES HEART]. help oh my god first of all thank you ??? for leaving such a LONG long review omg ???? made my entire day ?? week ??? HQGSBWJ IN SUMMARY THANK U AND I LOVE U FOR THIS AAAA i really appreciate it when people just ramble abt my works it just makes my drive go ⬆⬆⬆ yanno HHHH.

when i was first writing this is was like "oh gosh....is it....okay to turn jaemin this much of a dick?? IS IT??" like i was so SURE people wouldn't like this characterization of him but i literally got the reverse 😭 never expected anyone to jump with me on my asshole richkid jaemin agenda bUT HERE WE ARE....IT BEING MY MOST POPULAR FIC YET HAHSJ. i both hate and love this kind of jaemin and yes i definitely wanted to drag him down from his high horse while writing (at the same time....i will let him drag me around as he pleases too 😳).

i'm very gratified that u think its cohesive and each scene has a purpose because to be honest i didn't fuckin know where to go with this entire fic at first LMAO i was just in a richkid jaem brainrot after talking abt it too much with my friend and this was....the result 🕴.

as for jeno oh mr. jeno lee....HAGSNSK to be honest, as this fic wasn't rlly that deeply planned HAHA, i just wanted a contrast to jaemin's personality LMAO if he had the same personality as jaems....insanely egotistical god complex and all.....i think this would have turned out to be a love triangle AHAHS GM SKW. bUT— but hehe. i have another richkid fic in the dusty corners of my google docs rn. a 00’ line fic in fact HAHA so totw jaemin and jeno will be making a comeback here (ofc this is an entirely different universe but their characterizations are essentially the same HEHEHEHEHEH).

anyway !! thank u so much for sharing ur thoughts on totw ;o; 💞 this rlly made my day no joke HAHA i'm so happy to hear you liked this aaaaa. and yes. maw jaemin was the cause of all of this. something snapped in him during that era and led me to write this very self indulgent fic. thank u HAGHSKA.

[cummingforkylo]

I was wondering, if you could write a Kylo and reader smut where he’s got the readers back like presses against his front while he’s fucking her and maybe chokes her a bit. Cause like. I need they in my life. Maybe even someone like Hux walks in on them? I really just need some rough dominant kylo smut in my life. 🤪😍 your writing is amazing by the way

Okay so I may have wrote something really long, really smutty and like...really terrible. Like...Kylo is not even kind of a good guy in this. So I mixed this request with another one: “hey!!! Love love LOVE your blog!! 😍 alsooo could you write something in which Kylo and reader are not really together but they have really really rough sex and kinda dub con but not really and the reader asks him to stop bc it’s hurting a little too much and kylo realises and starts being super soft™️ and kissing her and saying he’s sorry?” but like...god he does not say sorry and is not soft. So maybe this isn’t anything either of you want, its entirely self indulgent, annndd actually kind of personal? But it is SUPER long so you know:

Following Rating: Explicit/NSFWCW: dubcon/noncon, nasty sex, throat fuckingWord count: 2,234Prompt/summary:rough dominant Kylo, mildly obsessed reader. 

Your mind was always filled with daydreams, plans, fantasies, impossible ones but you couldn’t help but indulge them. You had lived on and off Star Destroyers and other ships your whole life. You mother was a highly regarded engineer, your father, the Captain of a Dreadnaught, they were decorated veterans of the Empire and now decorated in The First Order. You were supposed to follow in their footsteps, be smart, powerful, courageously  wage war agains the Resistance, but you couldn’t find that drive in you. What motivated you was the love of language, of stories, fantasies, and people. You always felt too connected with people to be part of the cold regime of the First Order. You couldn’t detach yourself the way others could, you couldn’t let go of your empathy. Your daydreams and feelings had always been a source of frustration in your parents, you were born into a good family, a good name with the chance to really make a name for yourself, they gave you all the opportunities. The best education. The best introductions. Yet, you still struggle.

You still lived in your father’s quarters on the Supremacy while you finished your schooling, but you had begun to fixate on something, The Supreme Leader. You didn’t see him often, but when you caught glimpses of him around the ship your imagination would run wild. You wondered what he was like, if he was really as hot tempered as everyone said, you wondered at how powerful he was and you tried to understand how someone so outwardly beautiful could be as dark and twisted as everyone said he was. You didn’t believe it so you did something stupid. You took to following him around the ship. You tried to stay back from him and of course, you could never go into rooms you didn’t have clearance to enter, but you lagged behind him as he walked through the halls. You listened to his hushed conversations with Generals and other leaders within the First Order.

You ever started to write about him, just little notes about the way he moved or the tilt of his head as he listened to something he didn’t like. Nothing of significance to anyone but yourself. You kept it all on your datapad, not thinking about if anyone would be able to read it. You were finishing writing something down in the hallway right after he had ducked into a door you couldn’t follow him through when the door unexpectedly opened with a blast of air. You jumped so bad you nearly dropped your datapad and you tried to step towards the wall so Kylo wouldn’t notice you but it was too late, he had stepped into your path, towering over you.

“Are you following me?” He asked, his voice filled with a dark anger.

“N-No!” You said immediately, but your voice was shaking. Kylo’s eyes darted over your face, taking you in.

“Then how come every time I turn around, I see you?” he asked, he took a step towards you, you stepped back but it didn’t do much, he was still directly in front of you. Your heart thudded in your chest hard, you had thought you had been so sneaky, you had thought no one noticed. That was obviously not the case.

“I…” You didn’t know what to say, you had no explanation. His dark brown eyes seemed black with anger and there was a spark of electricity that ran through his expression. His energy crackled with instability. It was everything that had attracted you to him in the first place. You swallowed, searching for something to say. You were at a loss though.

“Nothing to say?” he asked.

“I don’t f-follow you.” You insisted. His mouth twisted into a grimace at the lie and he lifted his hand. There was a moment where you wondered what he was doing but then he was in your mind. You felt as though your skull might crack open from the pressure. It came in waves that staggered you, you stumbled backwards again and your back in the wall. He must have followed you because as you tried to force your eyes open to look at him, he was still right in front of you. Each thought of him was pulled to the forefront of your mind, your attraction, your curiosity, your admiration, your interest, and your writing. The vice grip on your mind released in a whoosh and a gasp. You leaned forward, trying to catch your breath,

“Insolent, girl.” He snarled and his hand closed around your datapad. You lunged for it but your hand froze in the air, it tensed there, completely locked up. Panic swept through you as he looked at the datapad, scrolling through your pages of notes on…him. There were things in there that you would have never admitted to anyone. “You stupid girl, did you think I didn’t notice you lurking around me?” he asked, looking up from the datapad. He dropped it onto the ground, it didn’t smash but the screen went dark.

Kylo released the Force that had been holding you but his hand found your upper arm. His fingers closed in a vice grip reminiscent of what he had done to your mind earlier. He drags you away from the wall, across the hall to the door he had come out of. He placed his other palm against the scanner and the doors whooshed open again. He marched you inside and shoved you so hard that you lost your balance and fell to the ground in front of him.

“If you’re so obsessed with knowing the real me, why don’t I show you?” He asked, his voice had a tiny tremor in it, like he was trying to keep himself under some control.

“No, I didn’t mean-please!” You gasped but he strode up to you and grabbed the back of your head, his other hand worked on his trousers, unbuckling them with a swift precision. You found yourself in a position you had thought about a number of times.You were stiffened by fear much more now than you had been in your fantasies but at the same time, liquid excitement gathered in your belly. It made your nipples go stiff, it made your heart beat a little faster-or maybe that was the fear.

“I thought this is what you wanted, you dirty slut.” His breathing was rough, that strained lilt in his voice echoed in your mind. His hand had worked his pants down by now and the size of his cock panicked you and turned your bones to mush.  “You fantasized about it, little girl. You’ve never been fucked by anyone and yet you thought about getting on your knees and pleasing my cock, haven’t you?” he asked. He didn’t need to ask, he had seen it. He had watched your fantasies in your mind. “It’s almost endearing. Your obsession.” He said. Your face was hot with embarrassment and tears welled up, making your eyes prickle and you lip tremble. You had no words.

“I didn’t-“

“Didn’t what? Want this?” His hand curled into your hair, his fingers scraped your scalp as he gathered a fistful of it. “We both know that isn’t true.” He said through a nasty chuckle. You hated that he was right. “Open your mouth before I lose patience.” He said. His fist in your hair dragged you down towards his cock, your mouth opened almost instinctually and you felt the warmth of the tip of his cock thrust into your mouth. His hips rocked forward and his cock entered your mouth, enveloped in heat and wetness. Your tongue circled his head, while your lips struggled to wrap around how thick his cock was. His hand in your hair tightened, pulling you unquestioningly forward, the tip pressed into the back of your throat. Spit filled your mouth, slipping in streams and rivulets down out of your mouth and down the sides of his cock. You gagged and tried to pull back. His hand at the back of your head an immoveable barrier, keeping you locked on his cock.

You couldn’t breath, your body screamed for release from choking on the intrusion in your throat. Your throat contracted around his cock, tears streamed out of your eyes. Kylo ripped your head back from his cock and you sucked in air finally. You nearly retched. He caught your face in his hand, pinching your cheeks between his thumb and his fingers.

“Do you think I’m as dark as everyone says I am, yet?” his deep voice rolled out of him and that sparking energy around him burned through you.

“Yes,” you managed to garble out through your spit and tears. You regretted every thought you had had about him, everything you wrote wondering if he was really as fearful as everyone said seemed so foolish now.

“I dont think you understand just yet.” He said. He shoved you down by your hair, pushing you onto all fours.

“No, no, no no!” you sobbed, realizing what he was doing you struggled forward but he caught your hips in his big hands, keeping you in place. You said no, but your body was a traitor and it was screaming yes. Kylo’s hands shoved your skirt up. It would only take a flick of his hand and he would see your shame, he would see how excited you had gotten by being used by him. Kylo must have head this in your thoughts because his hand paused in its movements,

“You’re desperate for me, aren’t you, little slut?” he asked. You whined, unable to manage something else. He knew it was true. He could see your mind. There was no use arguing, and he was going to use you even more. You wanted it and didn’t at the same time. Your cunt was throbbing with need but you remembered his size, you remembered how rough he was and ice daggers of fear spiked through you.

“You write all about me, about how you know I would make you feel good and now you can’t even manage a ‘yes sir’ ? Disgusting.” Kylo ripped your underwear down and you moaned in shame, pleasure and fear. Course leather ran over your exposed pussy, dipping into the folds. He knelt behind you, your fear and burning pleasure mounted at the same time. He pressed the head of his cock against you, running it along your slit, it grazed against your clit and you yelped at the sensitive bundle of nerves being touched without warning. Involuntarily your hips shimmed back towards his cock,

“You nasty girl. If your cunt didn’t look so inviting I wouldn’t bother giving you what you want.” He growled. You wanted to sob that it wasn’t what you wanted, that you couldn’t take his cock but you doubted it would matter to him. He shoved himself forward and the breath was kicked out of you in a gasp. He filled your whole pussy, he had buried his  whole cock deep inside of you in one thrust. There was no room left for motion, you were sure of it. Pleasure, pain and a mix of desperation and distress filled your body, you felt weak and unable to move. His cock felt like it would split you in half but you could also feel how lubricated you were.

“Your cunt  is so tight,” he gasped, he started to drag his cock back out, looking down at it. “You didn’t even bleed, little girl. You’re just that desperate.” He growled. Your pussy was burning with the stretch, burning with the pleasure. His cock smacked into you again, you felt garbled, uncontrollable and lost. You felt like you were unfurling underneath him, your fantasies becoming reality was too much and you were losing your mind each time he slammed into you. Each thrust sent your jerking forward. Your face pressed into the floor and he held your hips up as he rocked into you. Your breath came out in gasps or low pained moans,

“Oh…ah…Oh! No! Oh…” each thrust sent fireworks bursting under your skin, not only in a good way, not only in a burning pain. All of the above.  Kylo leaned over your back, pressing his lips to your ear,

“Do you think you understand me now?” He asked. You sobbed in response. His fingers closed into your hair again and he ground your face against the floor. “Do you think I care even a iota about you? Or that you’re sobbing on my floor?” His hips hadn’t slowed, they snapped into you again and again and again.

“No!” you sobbed.

“Good job, whore. You’ve gotten one thing right.” He snarled, his hips smacked into yours over and over. Pleasure washed over you, but it was like an out of body pleasure. You could feel your own orgasm mounting. He must have heard this, “No. You don’t get to cum.” His hips sped again and the pleasure mingled with pain once again. With his hand in your hair, tugging your head back from the floor now he thrust one last time inside before ripping away, leaving your cunt dripping and clenching on air. Hot ropes of cum spilled over your back, ass and up into your hair. Kylo smacked your ass and stood up.

“Get out.” He said.

[magicofthepen]

For the character thingy, romana and leela?? ❤

ROMANA - I’m going to answer for Romana I, since I already did Romana II!

favorite thing about them: so I fell in love with Romana I instantly when I watched The Ribos Operation. I was like “wait no one told me that Romana’s basically a recent graduate who always thrived in school but has now suddenly been thrust into the Real World and is a bit of a mess” and oh my god why is she so relatable, also I love that about her. I love that she doesn’t quite know what she’s doing, and her academic brilliance doesn’t necessarily help in the situations she’s finding herself in, but she keeps trying and learning, so by the end of season 16 she’s much more confident and capable on her own than she was when she started. I just absolutely adore the premise of her character and how she develops during the key to time quest. also her banter skills are so excellent. (….this wasn’t one thing whoops. 😄)

least favorite thing about them: I feel like it’s something about how she’s portrayed in the Gallifrey audios, but I can’t quite articulate what? but I feel like somehow, some of the things I really liked about her on TV (her witty fun banter, her determination even when she’s out of her depth) aren’t represented as much when we get glimpses of Actual Romana I (not Pandora or an alternate universe version). idk if this is even fully true, it’s just….she doesn’t quite have the same vibe as the character I remember from the TV show (but this is also tricky because the Lies scene, the Matrix projection in Lies (which *isn’t* really her technically) and the remains of her consciousness in the body that Pandora’s using are the only times we get Actual Romana I - which isn’t that much time to express all the nuances of her character.)

(continuing to skip the favorite line question because it’s too hard)

brOTP: her and the Doctor!! (like I said in the Romana II ask, I used to ship them more, but lately I’ve been more into a platonic interpretation.) I just as instantly fell for their dynamic in the Ribos Operation - two people with very different personalities who don’t get along but are forced to work together and gradually become friends?? this is exactly the kind of relationship arc that I adore. Their banter and snark is So Good (I was so entertained by their interactions in Ribos Operation that my brain refused to pay attention to anything but their scenes, and I ended up having issues following the plot later oops). And I love their growing respect and care for each other - how they go from being mutually dismissive of each other to valuing each other and being a solid Team and just really genuinely liking each other! their friendship is just Very Good (…..and now I really want to rewatch season 16….I’ve only seen it like one and a half times but I loved it very much….)

OTP: I don’t think I have any ships with Romana I that I would consider an ‘otp’? (the closest would be her and the Doctor since I have sometimes shipped them and I adore their relationship in general)

nOTP: Brax/Romana again….and tbh with Romana I it’s more of an actual nOTP (rather than ‘kinda nOTP, kinda ‘it’s complicated’’) because this is the time frame when she’s actually his student and so my discomfort with student/teacher relationships really rears its head (although there’s still one fic out there that I just think is so well-written.....but it does show the relationship as very unhealthy). 

random headcanon: .....so sorry to continue Sartia posting, but oops the first thing that popped into my head is my new maybe-unrealistic headcanon that Sartia was Romana’s first kiss. in a teenage “I’m curious and want to try this thing and you’re the only person I hang out with, but it doesn’t mean anything....or does it??” way. (.....this is so self-indulgent in such a terrible way rip.)

unpopular opinion: Armageddon Factor is my favorite Key to Time story! (I gather this is an unpopular opinion in Doctor Who Fandom At Large, it doesn’t seem to be liked as much as some of the earlier stories in the season.) technically I’ve only seen it once and it was a couple years ago, but I remember loving it as a Romana story, there were a lot of really interesting character bits for her!

song i associate with them: hmm I don’t really have one? my Romana playlist is specifically for Romana II in Big Finish so....yeah.

favorite picture of them: anything with her Ribos Operation outfit (with the full cloak), it’s iconic and beautiful! on a similar note, I love this Romana I art by @volucris-liga, it’s the first Romana fanart I ever reblogged and it’s so pretty!

more under the cut!

LEELA

favorite thing about them: her resilience and her kindness. Leela goes through so much grief and pain, she has her world upended again and again, she never really finds a place where she belongs. and yet she still keeps choosing to love, choosing to keep fighting for what she believes in, choosing to rebuild again and again. and sometimes it’s really hard and she doesn’t want to go on….but she does, and she finds moments of happiness again. and that strength is really powerful. and no matter how cruel the universe (and other people) are to her, she is still relentlessly kind - she listens, she protects, she wants to help, she cares. 

least favorite thing about them: I mean, the “savage” stereotype that her character references is a racist/anti-indigenous trope (especially the whole dynamic of the Doctor trying to “civilize” her ugh). and I hate that characters keep calling her “savage” (even when they’re the Bad Guys, it’s still bringing up this trope again and again, and it’s even worse when it’s the Good Guys). why are they still doing this.

brOTP: see all characters listed under otp, every relationship that I ship is also an incredibly important friendship in Leela’s life and I love all of them <33 as far as relationships that I see as entirely non-romantic….I really love the version of Leela and Ace’s relationship that exists in my head (and in fandom) - they didn’t get to interact enough in the audios, but I absolutely think they were really close, because of their shared experiences and the ways their personalities mesh. (I feel like I should also say the Doctor here, but tbh I don’t remember her TV stories that well, so I don’t really have a solid memory of what their relationship was like.) and of course, Leela’s parental relationship with Rayo is very important to me!

OTP: once again, ot3 my beloved <33 and Leela/Romana first and foremost (I already rambled about them here, so I’m just going to second everything I said earlier). 

and I also ship Leela/Narvin, although I’m not quite as invested in that pairing? (due to a combination of ‘Romana is my favorite character and so I’m just more interested in her relationships with other characters,’ ‘I joined the fandom when things were pretty much all Leela/Narvin all the time (I say with great respect and affection for the artists and writers putting out amazing content for that ship) so I was motivated to write fic primarily for R/L and N/R to balance out the ot3 content,’ ‘apparently I have a contrary streak with Gallifrey and the more the writers push a romantic interpretation of a relationship, the less interested I am in actually shipping it,’ and ‘I’m not really into Leela/Narvin as a pairing on its own - although I do love a lot of fic that portrays them that way bc it’s just very well-written.’) But just. how they form a grudging alliance for Romana’s sake and then develop genuine respect for each other and then build this really solid foundation of teamwork and fondness and care and really relax and feel comfortable around each other….the way they become ride-or-die for each other and just trust and love each other so much….it’s Very Good!! (And I did love writing scenes with the two of them in Call It Home - I might not focus on them, but I do genuinely love their relationship.) 

And of course Leela/Veega <33….I debated if they even interacted enough in the actual audios for me to consider it an otp, but I love the idea of their relationship and the story of them in my head so much?? going to link to this post because it really captures my feelings about them - they’ve both been through so much grief and pain by the time they meet, they’ve both lost people they love before, so the idea of them choosing to love each other and build something together against the odds is just. very powerful. plus I have a whole playlist for the family they’ve built together, which is a strong indication that I really love this ship. 😊

nOTP: Leela/Andred. last time I answered an ask meme about Leela, I had this complicated response about how I hated Leela/Andred when I watched Invasion of Time (bc it’s so abrupt and arbitrary), and then Louise Jameson’s voice acting Convinced Me To Care because oh she really did love him....alas i am a Leela/Andred detractor at heart, and I have been nudged back to my default state by re-listening….I simply hate how he treats Leela in Gallifrey.

random headcanon: I really like the idea of Leela being more politically involved in her own right after they all return from the Axis. She’s just spent a lot of time leading a group of people who don’t have a voice in the government, fighting for their rights against the established injustices of Gallifreyan society. I don’t think she’d easily slip back into only being Romana’s bodyguard after experiencing more political autonomy on the other Gallifrey. What exactly this looks like in practice I’m not sure about - in my one fic ‘verse, I wrote about her being more directly involved with the Academy as a political liaison and guest tutor, and also advocating to Romana for policies that would benefit those who live outside the city on their home Gallifrey. but there’s probably a lot of options to explore here!

unpopular opinion: hmm I don’t think this is necessarily unpopular but idk and I want to talk about it: even though Leela identifies so strongly as a warrior, a “happy ending” for her would, I think, need to involve getting away from fighting. too often she throws herself into a fight to try to avoid thinking about how much she’s hurting, and it doesn’t work, it doesn’t stop the pain. and in the Time War, she’s tied her identity so strongly to war (it’s inevitable, inescapable, and she will Fight and Defend because that’s all she has left). there’s a difference between “I am a warrior” and “all I am is a warrior,” and Leela’s slid too far into the second one, and she needs to untangle her own identity from war to heal. 

song i associate with them: Freedom by Karmina (it’s a song about going on defiantly in the face of heartbreak -  “Tearing my room apart, I’m starting over” / “Take my pride I can still survive I’ve got my freedom” / “Hunt me down you’ll never find me now that I’ve got my freedom”)

favorite picture of them: the first one that came to mind is this gorgeous art by @laurelhach (which I didn’t realize was based on a picture until I stumbled across the original picture and was like oh my god!! it looks exactly like the art!!)

[mrfutureboy]

I would like to know when you started drawing and where your passion for fanart started 😊

Oh FUCK dude i did not see this i’m so fucking sorry this is so late 😭 damn you, tumblr, for not fucking notifying me!! Anyway buckle up this is gonna be much longer than you asked for <3

Honestly ive kinda been drawing all my life! I hope that doesnt sound dumb cuz obviously almost everyone drew pictures when they were kids, but i know that it’s been a consistent hobby for me since i was little. By the time i was in 3rd grade I was hoarding notebooks to draw in. Cuz that’s something fun about me: i had a real huge habit of drawing in things that werent sketchbooks. Through middle school and beyond I did buy/receive sketchbooks, but I started out with various kinds of notebooks. One I had from like 2nd grade was like a hardcover, stationary-type notebook that I drew cats in lol, and I have 2 velvet lisa frank notebooks from 3rd grade. In high school and college I had a really bad habit of drawing in the margins on my notes and on handouts the teacher/professor would give. Those classes where the prof just prints out all the notes beforehand and gives them to you to follow along? Oh man, I spent so many classes barely listening while I drew on them! I also used to draw on my physics homework and tests and sometimes I even got extra credit for them (thank you jeff :D). I actually have a folder of various drawings I’ve kept from that 8yr time period and a lot of them are on classwork 😂

Obviously, I’ve been doing a lot of digital art lately, which I’m sure is what u were more curious about rather than the shit about drawing on my homework. I got a surface pro as a graduation gift in 2016 bc prior to that i had a wacom tablet and a janky ass laptop, so the gift was kinda a 2-in-1: i can do schoolwork AND art easily! i like digital art a lot and honestly im still learning new things abt it every time i draw. I use Leonardo currently (i’ll skip that story) but I started out doing digital art on sketchfu WITHOUT the wacom tablet in maaaaybe 2012??? 2011??? does anyone on this site remember sketchfu? Honestly couldnt even tell u how i found that site hahah the internet was just full of wonders back in the day. RIP sketchfu. Once i got the tablet tho some time later i used sketchfu still (i think) but also gimp and krita i believe.

Oh i suppose I should mention that i took art all four years of highschool and also minored in it in college! So it’s something i did academically as well as for fun. I keep thinking about going to art school for realsies but idk. I’m already $$$ in debt from my first degree i dont feel like adding to that 😅😓

Ok now for the second part of your question: I’ve also pretty much always done fan art! Ive never really been one for OC’s, EXCEPT for the self-insert superhero double life “comics” i wrote about a poodle named Sassy when i was in third grade. And then the knock off “comics” i wrote at a later time which honestly it was weird that i did a knock off of my own thing rather than just adding them to the original or making it a spin off with at least one of the og characters. Cuz it wasnt a spin off!! But anyway there wasnt really much to any of these characters; i just needed vessels to get my weird ideas out.

So anyway yeah most of what ive ever drawn has been fan art or self portraits, because its just easier for me to take characters that already exist and bend them to my will (artistically). Well excluding art assignments in school i guess because i would usually have to draw something specific and therefore not something self indulgent. But yeah ive drawn for lots of fandoms like the earliest i remember is warrior cats. Then theres things like pokemon and warriors and random other books i read thru middle school (i used to read a LOT but now im practically illiterate); spn, sherlock, and marvel through high school; and then marvel and bttf thru the end of hs and beyond. Idk i also have always loved looking at other peoples fan art and so im like “shit i wanna do that too!”. Tho i will say marvel was my biggest fandom and the one i had the longest interest in, so that was probably where the passion REALLY came from cuz I was drawing marvel stuff for such a long time (tho not posting shdjsk u have to trust me), but ive been doing fan art forever :)

(Of course, a lot of the fan art i was making prior to recently was drawn in lined notebooks or on homework sheets or what have you, and I wasn’t posting really any of it, but i was still making it and a good chunk of it still exists. Oh i should also mention most of it was with pencils or ballpoint pens like i wasnt doing anything too fancy. There was some digital art in the highschool-college time frame but it also really wasnt…much. Honestly i barely posted any of it here but I know some of it’s on deviantart)

I cant pinpoint the exact time I started getting more “serious” about my art in general, but i know the first pandemic lockdown gave me more free time and i was less stressed about schoolwork so i just kinda had a good outlet. (Tho i will say that prior, I had been in a life drawing club for a short while, and i had also been working on a personal sketchbook project that had me pretty ~inspired~ to do art. Also i watched twin peaks around this time and it inspired a lot of Feelings and i was making funky collages and other art pieced that were sometimes related to that. Some of those are on deviantart)

Honestly I think the Big thing with my digital art was coincidentally getting back into BTTF the summer of the 35th anniversary bc the fandom here was THRIVING and i was like “oh shit wait i want to contribute!” But as i kept drawing i kept wanting to improve and that leads us to right now where im constantly trying new things (whether subtle or obvious) and challenging myself to do full body drawings with different poses, and doing screencap redraws and what have you for various reasons (backgrounds, proportions, pose, etc)

So yeah :) Basically I’ve been doing fan art forever (I didnt even get into all the mediums ive tried but that’s another conversation bc this is already so long and convoluted) and it’s kinda coincidental that ive suddenly really gotten back into it and have improved dramatically in such a short time. Thank you so much @rovermcfly for the ask and again im really sorry you had to wait so long for a response! Stupid tumblr

[tanoraqui]

ok my last review of my own SPN fic from the early 2010s gets its own post bc the other two were getting long and honestly this was more Good Omens fic than anything. Literally I lost steam on it when faced with the prospect of writing Supernatural characters other than Crowley (the fic, of course, being centered around the idea that What if That Was Proper, GO Crowley, and if so, How).

Once More Unto the Breach proposes that, shortly after the events of Good Omens, Aziraphale was yanked back to Heaven and tortured for a while until he, ah, saw the light again (with input of later seasons, I suppose I’d include Naomi in this somewhere), and Crowley was yanked back to Hell where he was tortured...and just kinda. Tortured. A lot. And had his grace stripped out, this one of the last of the angels who’d followed Lucifer in his fall (and idea SPN never got into but hella could’ve tbh; it fucks). And then, now that he was basically a normal mortal, for some reason they dropped him back in the timestream in like 1500s? Scotland with no memory, planning to let him lead a normal human life and then SURPRISE you’re back in Hell! Bitch! Suffer! 

Except instead of leading a normal human life, he (per canon spn) sold his soul to a crossroads demon for a bigger dick, and then, uhhhh, paperwork got lost and he just kinda ended up in the shuffle as a normal demon working his way up through the ranks, eventually becoming the SPN!Crowley we know? Aziraphale, meanwhile, has been sent out again to participate in the newly destined Apocalypse, Michael vs. Lucifer - ineffable!

And then, ofc, they meet a time or two...mostly very awkward and Aziraphale is like, “he’s superficially familiar but no, it’s obviously not My Crowley - who was evil and lied to me, ofc”, and Crowley is like, “what a weirdo.”

The Apocalypse fails to happen again. Aziraphale attempts to quietly duck out of Heavenly duties and resume his bookstore in London. Ch.2 of this fic - which I wrote! - is a pretty solid fic all on its own, of alternatingly Castiel’s and Raphael’s side showing up and trying to persuade him to join their team, and Aziraphale trying very hard to politely send them away before eventually snapping and joining Castiel. In the middle of a fight in a random heaven that happens to be an early 19th century British Navy ship in the height of a storm, because fanfiction is for SELF-INDULGENCE and nothing else.

Actually, u know what, just

“Is that so,” Ezekiel asked softly, playing with his blades. He had three now, his own and Castiel’s. “And how, exactly, are you going to stop me?

Aziraphale made up his mind. “He’s not,” said the bookseller, stepping between them and spreading his wings like a shield in front of the wounded rebel. “I will.”

“What are you doing?” hissed Castiel. “You do not need to die!”

Ezekiel laughed. “You?” He stepped back mockingly, and spread his arms in challenge. “Little brother, you are even lower class than the pathetic excuse for an angel cowering behind you. Who are you to challenge I, Ezekiel, Weapons Master of the Heavenly Host?”

Aziraphale stood up straight, spreading his wings wider. Lightning flashed for the first time in the tempestuous sky above, illuminating their feathery expanse.

“I am Aziraphale,” he stated, “Guardian of the Eastern Gate of Eden.” The scabbard appeared at his side like it always did, like it hadn’t done for over 6000 years. He reached down and drew the sword, hilt conforming perfectly to his grip. The blade caught fire instantly, and any raindrop that came near evaporated to steam before it touched the flame. “And I wield the Sword of War.”

Ezekiel’s step backwards was genuine this time, as was the fear in his voice.

“The Sword is a Weapon of Heaven, and belongs to Raphael!” he managed.

“I’m afraid it doesn’t,” Aziraphale said gently. It was an elegant sword, long and thin and rapier-like, and very clearly meant to kill. “This is the blade given to my hand by Michael, Commander of the Heavenly Host, when we all trained together as brothers. Before all the senseless bureaucracy took hold. From me, it passed to the human Eve, and there it became a Symbol to the humans, of War. It’s their Weapon, really, so I will use it on their behalf. If Raphael considers that ‘rebellion’, then so be it.”

ANYWAY. So, Aziraphale joins Cas’s rebellion and mostly starts sorting records in the very neglected Library of Heaven that contains a book recounting the life of every single person ever, bc that’s my idea of heaven and I’m right. But also he needs to rescue the nice young rebel angel whose capture kinda prompted him into this decision in the first place, and that means breaking into the really serious heavenly prison area...so he goes to the new King of Hell and bargains to borrow one of the lost Treasures of Heaven (remember those, from s6?) that Crowley has ended up with. They agree: Aziraphale can have the Crown of Pollution thing for 24 Earth hours, and in return, at a time of his choosing, Crowley will get a treasure of Heaven to which Aziraphale has access for 24 hours.

Upon getting the Crown back, Crowley informs him that the treasure he’d like is...Aziraphale, actually. The Sword of War, if he wants to be fussy, and Aziraphale is welcome to come along with it! After all, surely a warrior of Heaven is as valuable as an artifact. “You want me to...smite your political enemies?” Aziraphale says slowly. “Sure,” says Crowley. “Also, come to tea for 10 minutes once a week or so and tell me hte latest news from your little war. I never said the 24 hours had to be consecutive.”

Obviously Aziraphale is Pissed AF, but he’s also stuck, and afraid to tell anyone that he’s been Dealing with a demon. So he goes once a week to tea, and gives absolutely monosyllabic answers full of ice...

Crowley fills some of the silence by starting t just bitch about work...and offers booze every time...once, after a hard battle, Aziraphale accepts...he offers bitchy comments about the demons Crowley complains about...don’t do this, Aziraphale tells himself firmly; it’s not YOUR demon, and anyway that was still probably a lie, and even if it wasn’t (it definitely wasn’t) you can’t find him; he’s probably dead...and this one’s MUCH trickier... There’s an assassination attempt on Crowley in which Aziraphale throws his sword across the room to him and it catches fire just as it does for Aziraphale, just as it doesn’t do for anyone else...

And that’s kinda where I stopped writing, bc I kept just...not wanting to write scenes with actual SPN characters, even though I really did need to involve Castiel, if I wanted him and Aziraphale to have a, “wait, you’re working with Crowley?” “Wait, YOU’RE working with Crowley?!”

I don’t really know how the rest of all that was supposed to go, with Purgatory and the Leviathans and everything. Cas WAS definitely having Aziraphale do research, while he alphabetized the Library, into Purgatory, and that’s a whole additional level of “wow I thought you were legit but Apparently I’m Disappointed Again.” Aziraphale is angry at both Crowley and Cas, but *checks outline* when Cas absorbs all the souls and goes nuts, Crowley runs, worried, to tell Aziraphale. Aziraphale tries to confront/calm Cas, and gets the dubious honor of being the first person “spared” by the new god.

Somewhere in here, logically, Aziraphale must tell SPN!Crowley about GO!Crowley, and Crowley’s like, “weird. I mean, I guess I’ve had dreams now and then of flying or being a snake or burning-but-in-a-good-way, but doesn’t everyone?” (I didn’t write this down anywhere but, like...it must happen.)

Somehow (Library of Heaven? Someone finally found the lost paperwork in Hell?) Aziraphale and Crowley find out that GO!Crowley’s (OG Crowley’s!) lost Grace is in, where else, Hyde Park, turned into, what else, an apple tree. If he is proper Crowley, it should woosh back into him when he touches the tree...

Aziraphale watched it breathless anticipation (not that he usually breathed anyway) as Crowley rested his hand on the bark of the tree. 

Nothing happened. 

“Well, that was a bit of a disappointment,” said Crowley. He reached up and carelessly grabbed an apple, brought it down and bit into it.

Everything exploded in the bright light of Grace.

In the planning document, I’ve written that Crowley goes back to Hell to try to wrangle it and Aziraphale ditto Heaven, which I guess...is reasonable. Good Omens ends with them both happily fucking off to stay on Earth and that’s the happy ending, but here, early SPN s7 with Cas having just fucked off into a lake and exploded with Leviathans, both Heaven and Hell could really use a sensible guiding hand, and unlike every other time (ie, all the time) that’s true, there’s a genuine opportunity for someone to step in and have influence. So...

Verdict: 11/10 this fic still SLAPS; thank you for coming on this exciting journey of nostalgia with me.

[secndlife]

content creator year in review.

this is such a nice thing to do as a content creator. it gives us a chance to look back on what we’ve done over the year and, hopefully, it brings some pride hehe i was tagged by @jenmyeons. moa mentioned ah! love in her review, so thanks again, moa! i was super happy reading that!

let's get to the game, shall we?

first creation and most recent creation of 2020: first thing i wrote this year after a hiatus was the quiz, a mingyu fluff. and my most recent piece and also first completed series ever was ah! love, with jeonghan.

one of your favorite creations from 2020: catching stars. this fic is the epitome of self indulging and i have absolute no regrets. i usually make the mistake of writing more for others than for me (and i’ve made my peace with it and am also trying to improve on that), but this one was for me. to comfort me and ease me down. and it still does just that whenever im feeling meh. so *patting on the back* well done, me. 

a creation you’re really proud of: maybe in another life. despite some issues in general, this is a fic i think i did a great job. i feel it's mature and also so so full of love. i tried to step away from the love triangle or f2l dynamic to explore a bit more on the unspoken and unexplored promises, but that, at the same time, bring no regrets or hard feelings. 

a new style you tried this year and a gifset/fic that uses it: im basic. i do pretty much the same thing in general. so i hope that this year and i’ll try to comfortably push some boundaries and get myself more out there with writing. 

a creation that took you forever: lie again. if i had managed to post the fucking mingyu fwb fic by now it would for sure be the answer. but as i haven't, i’ll go with lie again. the thing is, i rarely take a very long time to write things as i’m an impulsive writer. if we treat ah! love as one long piece, then it would be the longest. but as it was a series, i guess it's unfair. anyway! lie again took me idk a week and a half? but just bc it's longer bc most of the things i wrote this year, i’ve written in the spam of a couple of hours. 

your creation from 2020 that received the most notes: lie again! overall, the pieces of the ah! love series also good a good amount of notes.

a creation you think deserved more notes: i think that when i posted maybe in another life i kinda expected it to have a better response? idk, i usually overthink on notes so lol!

a new fandom you joined and a creation you made for it: svt. i was actually in somewhat of a very long writer's block that ended up on me being away from writing for a good couple of months. then i got into svt and my mingyu feelings made my write this piece hehe

a creation you made that breaks your heart: you keep yours; i’ll keep mine. this just........ hurts.

a ‘simple’ creation that you really love: this timestamp. i think it's very idk sweet and very cheol like.

a creation that was inspired by another one: this timestamp was somewhat inspired by @bbugyu‘s neverending artistry. it happens in that universe. after reading their story i started thinking about poly gyucheol and that happened. 

a favorite creation created by someone else: my absolute favorite this past year was @bbugyu‘s neverending artistry. this story is life changing. literally. i’ve recommended it so many times to so many people and i’ve made my personal mission to make sure everyone reads it and appreciate’s it. it's insanely good and well written so if you haven't read it yet, do yourself a favor and go check it out. i've also loved @chocosvt‘s honey boy. i loved every single one of the 54k words of this story. mingyu’s characterization is amazing and so is the story development. everything about this story feels so right and just truthful? incredible!! also, @thekidultlife‘s autumn playlist. a gyuhan “love triangle”? mingyu being best boy? sign me up. the way leanne’s writing is like this amazing poetry never fails to amaze me. her word choice and story construction is breathtaking. 

some of your favorite content creators from the year: so many! @bbugyu, @chocosvt, @thekidultlife, @jaeyoonurl, @svtxsoju, @woozisnoots, @babiemingoo, @by-moonflower, @celestialpearls, @tearsofsyrup. sorry if i missed anyone here, i have the memory of a fish but i really do appreciate every single content creator i follow!!!

tagging: all of the content creators tagged above and anyone else who wants to do this tag is more than welcome to hehe

last but not least: creating content is not easy. there are so many nuances to it and it's not always hard to manage. if you're a content creator and you put out one or multiple things in the past year, be proud of yourself. your work is amazing and notes and interaction don't dictate its value. lastly, thank you to all the amazing people that enjoyed my works throughout the year. i tried my best to come out with well made stories and, hopefully, i achieved that. let's see what 2021 has in store for us!

[firekyoshi]

i can't believe yall havent thought of a sambucky the handmaiden au LIKE GUYS LOOK AT THE POTENTIAL

okay if u haven't seen the handmaiden (2016) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CHECK IT OUT OMG ITS ONE OF MY FAV MOVIES AND AS A BISEXUAL WOMAN ITS ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOVIES FEATURING SAPPHIC CHARACTERS

anyways here's a very self-indulgent sambucky the handmaiden! au that i wrote at midnight literally 7 hours before my exam

tw // mentions of suicide

- sam is sook-hee and bucky is hideko obvs

- sam is a criminal working for the power broker aka sharon while bucky or in this case, the winter soldier, was a test experiment for HYDRA / is now an assassin + bodyguard for their leader, alexander pierce

- sharon is conducting business w hydra to obtain some weapons and idk black market stuff which forces her to go to siberia, but obviously the ultimate weapon she wants to take home is the infamous winter soldier

- she asks sam to pretend to be her butler/bodyguard but is actually hiring him to get information on the winter soldier program and obtain the code words needed to control them

- they end up staying in pierce's mansion in like a really remote place in siberia

- sam gets acquainted w the other butlers and housekeepers, they tell him that the area is haunted because they would always hear a man screaming just before daybreak followed by complete silence. they also tell him that the forest is haunted by the spirit of a man who killed himself there

- just like the housekeepers said, sam wakes around 3-4 in the morning to the sound of a man screaming followed by complete silence

- anyways the next morning he accompanies sharon to her first meeting w hydra officials, and that's where he encounters bucky

- after the meeting, sharon is all like, "change of plans. we're going to steal the winter soldier." sam's like "and who's that?", "the person u were standing next to earlier,"

- afterwards, sam starts to spy on bucky. he doesn't talk much, sam notices, actually scratch that this man does not talk period

- they were standing by the door a few feet away from where their bosses were talking. "so uh, what do i call you?" sam asks one day, but bucky is like a statue, his response being a mere blink

- sharon and pierce always have their business meetings in the morning, but they also have spend time at night, usually supper or dinner, that's more casual. sam notices that pierce's bodyguard is less stiff and more human during the later hours of the day

- sam and bucky are again standing by the door. "what do i call you?" bucky asks quietly, almost like a whisper. "uh sam, you can call me sam. and you?"

- he freezes for a while before replying, "james barnes"

- another thing that sam notices is that bucky is NEVER alone. either he's with pierce or he's escorted by other bodyguards (who look like they couldn't even take him down altogether)

- one morning, after the usual distant screams, sam decides to figure out where the screams were actually coming from. he goes to the main house, pretending to bring tea for sharon (there's a small camera hidden in the tray)

- he sees the usual group of bodyguards escorting a half-naked and disheveled bucky from the stairs to the basement. when they see him, the group looks like a pack of deers in headlights, one of them reaches for their gun, "i'm bringing tea for ms. carter," he quickly says.

- "go ahead," the leader, rumlow, says, "but next time use the main hallway will you?"

- "right, she just said it was faster this way, and she's really peculiar about the temperature of her tea."

- he shows the video to sharon and she's like "i need u to find out wtf is going on in that basement."

- one night, sharon and pierce are having dinner tgt "since we're on the topic of legends and fairytales, i have to ask about something," sharon says,

- "go, on," pierce replies

- "the winter soldier program, does it really exist?"

- the hydra leader chuckles, "i was wondering when you would ask that," then points toward bucky, "my dear, you're looking at the winter soldier."

- sam listens in on the conversation. the winter soldier program was a program created by hydra in the 1940s with the first successful test subject being an american ww2 soldier named steve rogers. apparently he was given this serum that made him super strong and for 10 years, while the other test subjects were cryogenically frozen, hydra worked to find ways to control him but failed and they had to keep him restrained most of the time.

- one night, rogers broke out of the facility, stole all the remaining formulas, and threw them away before blowing his brains out in the nearby forest

- after rogers' suicide, hydra brought out its second test subject, bucky barnes, and used the remaining serum on him. afterwards hydra froze him again while they worked on something to keep his mind under control.

- around the 1960s they created the trigger words and since then they've been using bucky to do their dirty work for them. "this, my dear, is our greatest creation." pierce says as he approaches a stand displaying a red book. "his trigger words. say them and he will do anything you want. if you need some errands taken care of, i'd be happy to lend him to you. we can talk about the costs later."

- "i don't have anything i can't take care of myself at the moment, but i'll keep that offer in mind." sharon replies

- now sharon's like "okay we HAVE to steal him and the codes." she figured out that all of the mansion's surveillance turns off for an hour to reboot from 1 AM to 2, and tells sam to basically go to the basement and manipulate bucky when he's not under hydra's control. "make him trust you, that way we won't have much of a fuss taking him to madripoor."

- that night, after the clock strikes 1, sam sneaks into the basement and finds a cell with bucky inside. there's a bed, well, more like a mattress, but bucky's not sleeping on it. instead he's sitting in a corner, head against the wall, knees tucked in his chest, hyperventilating and,,,crying???

- "hey," sam whispers, "you okay?"

- the winter soldier stares at him with red rimmed eyes and a tear stricken face. "you're sam, you're her bodyguard."

- "yeah and you're the winter soldier, or do you prefer james?"

- "bucky. it's bucky"

- yeah basically sam visits bucky's cell every night for exactly 45 minutes before he has to sneak back out. he tries to gain bucky's trust and manipulate him but guess what they fall in love surprise surprise

- bucky tells sam his true story. how he and steve used to be ww2 soldiers that were experimented on by hydra. he remembers being frozen and the first thing he sees when they woke him up was steve's dead body. "they told me he shot his head in the forest." the first thing he felt was pain as they injected the serum into his veins then tried to erase his memories. he remembers going into cryo and being woken up over and over again to kill someone or destroy something.

- he also tells sam about the one night he broke out, ran as fast as he could, and jumped off a cliff, only for him to survive. he lost an arm, but hydra replaced it with another weapon. "i thought i would end there, but i just became more of a weapon"

- so sam starts to feel unsure about stealing the winter soldier bc goddamnit bucky's a person and he doesnt deserve any of this.

- also the more time he spends with bucky the more he realises that the actual james bucky barnes is a fucking piece of shit that still uses 40s slang and petnames and makes outdated jokes and is actually a big fucking flirt.

- and sam's heart breaks every time he looks at bucky's crestfallen face when he realises that their 45 minutes are over

- of all the people he could fall in love with, it just had to be a brainwashed assassin

- sharon tells him that in a few days, she and pierce will leave for a week to actually get the business transaction done. basically she tells sam that he should break bucky out of the mansion while they're away, take the trigger word book, and meet with torres so he can take them both to madripoor.

- while sharon and pierce leave, sam continues visiting bucky during the night. also he doesn't see bucky during the day bc they have no reason to bring him out of the cell, and he kinda misses him aw

- one night, he wakes up to noise, lots of it. everyone in the house is running. in the midst of all the chaos, sam hears, "find the soldier!"

- the first place sam goes to is the forest, and there he finds bucky kneeling by a frozen lake, with a gun in his hands. sam tackles him and throws the gun away

- "what the fuck were you thinking huh?!" sam shouts, tightly holding the front of bucky's shirt, and he can't help but cry at the thought of bucky's dead body. and all of a sudden he feels like shit. for manipulating bucky and taking advantage of his trauma for his own gain. so he gathers bucky in his arms and tells him everything. about what he and sharon were actually planning, what his true motivations were when he first went inside the basement, and how he actually grew to care for bucky

- bucky just laughs and says, "i know,” he reveals that sharon's plan all along was to take bucky and the trigger words for herself, and frame sam as the mastermind behind everything. she'll then fake bucky’s death and offer sam as another test subject for the winter soldier program as compensation for stealing (and “killing”) bucky

- "how do you know all this?"

- "she visited me the first night you arrived and we talked. she told me she'll take me away and all i had to do was manipulate you into breaking me out." bucky confesses, "i didn't realise you were a sweetheart, that made everything so complicated."

- anyways sam knocks bucky unconscious and basically helps hydra guards put him back in his cell. "just saying, maybe we shouldn't tell pierce abt this yknow" and the hydra guards r like yeah no totally cause if he knew we're all fucked

- anyways bucky and sam come up with a plan to escape together. sam contacts a friend known as baron helmut zemo, who's basically sharon's biggest enemy, but more importantly, owes sam a big ass debt and asks him to give the two of them safe passage to sokovia

- they plan to escape two nights before sharon and pierce return to siberia. on that night, sam wakes up at exactly 1 AM like he always does, and kills everyone in the house. he puts a bullet in every hydra guard, every housekeeper, everyone. he disables all the techs in the house, steals the trigger word book and breaks bucky out of his cell.

- "wait. there's something i have to show you." bucky says. he takes sam to the facility. the place where they tortured him and experimented on him. the place where every other test subjects were kept frozen.

- (if you've watched the handmaiden, yes this is a reference to the library scene) sam can't contain the anger he feels when he looks at the room. "is this where they tortured you? is this where the screams come from every night?"

- bucky nods. he points at a chair in the centre of the room, surrounded by machines and computers. "every morning they would drag me out of my cell, put me on that chair, and-" he swallows a choked sob, "and read the trigger words,"

- sam can't control it anymore. he grabs a metal rod and starts destroying the place. he breaks every machine, tearing them apart until they are nothing more than wires and buttons. he kills all the frozen test subjects, because they deserve better than this. he rips apart the pages of the winter soldier's mission reports, and gathers them into a pile.

- from afar, bucky watches as sam lights up the pile and everything in front of him starts to burn. when sam turns to look at him, he can't help but think about how magnificent he looks as the fire roars behind him. his hero. his guardian angel. his sam.

- sam approaches bucky and pulls him in for a hungry kiss. something he feels he should've done earlier. "no one will ever control you again." he says, and for once its a promise that bucky believes in.

- sam reaches in his bag and pulls out the red book. bucky starts to cry bc no one, not even before hydra, had ever loved him like this. "i mean it. no one." sam says. bucky throws the book in the fire and watches and both paper and leather melt into ash

- the end they escape using zemo's private jet and live happily ever after haha

[thinkinghq]

how about being his college kouhai and getting stressed out then he helps you through your stress in “various” ways

Thx for the ask 💖

Yk what's still sending me? Kita being in class 7 (class 5 is college prep already) and having only 100's in his tests and even though he could have chosen a higher education path he just graduated from Inarizaki and started his career as a rice farmer... (ngl I was kinda like hmmm why? But he did choose to do something that he enjoys <3 so fuck climbing the career ladder bc everyone expects you to do something you really enjoy <3 thx kita and also cottage core suits him <3

Soo now for the actual writing (was lazy to proof read and like their is no sex in it ... even though the ask was about it ... sorry feel kinda dumb now and I didn't like edit it to make it easier to read maybe I do it tomorrow or maybe I just pretend I never wrote this hot trash ...) -> hinted 18+ ?, college au, embarrassingly self indulgent 🤕

Kita watched you all day you're running around the campus back and forth from class to class and going to the library in between your classes. You look so stressed did you even ate today? He asks himself seeing you like this makes kita feel uncomfortable he helped you with the time schedule so you can study without getting time pressure and if you have trouble with the material he is always ready to study with you. But you are not really having any of those problems ... you just have this paper you want to ace. Kita doesnt understand why you all stressed over one paper bc you dont got anything to do in the other classes? What Kita doesnt know is that feel jealous of him. He gets the full points in all his tests, projects and terms you wanted to be the same kita always smiles at you and says "next time" when you dont get the full points. Kita doesnt praise much and is quick to call you out but maybe it is childish of you to feel like this but seeing kitas face when you get a 100 out of 100 paper is maybe worth it? Kita sees the lights your dorm its Friday and you overwork yourself? He messages you before going to your dorm. You didnt even saw the message but hear someone knocking on the door is your roommate already back from the party? It's only 9pm. Opening the door "Kita?" "The lights were on and I thought I drop by. You move you're body to the side so kita can come in "where is you're roommate?" "Partying" "and you?" "Studying" kits looks at your desk books and papers were spread around "what ate you studying for?" Kitas eyes pierce yours and you get the feeling as if he's about to scold you "just a paper Kita I just wanted to prepare myself ok? I was about to relax anyway" who are you trying to fool? Kita saw through you like he always does "do you want me to help?" Kitas response trowed you of guard. He makes his way to your bed and sits on the edge on hand is peting you're blanket motioning you to sit next him. Walking towards him, you already know what going to happen slight excitement fills your body and you sit next to him one thigh touching his. Looking at kitas face you expect him to make the first move not letting him know that you know what's going to happen. " You know right that you could just do more harm than good if you overwork yourself right?" His hand is brushing your hair behind you're ear "yes Kita" "than let me take good care of you tonight alright?" He whispers in your ear and feel his hand is caressing your thigh.