#just some fresh nonsense from my brain prison

[untilenglandisnomore]

PadMay 2021 – Day 2: How should Padmé be remembered?

(rocks up a week late with a chai latte) Played fast and loose with the word “should” here and ended up thinking a lot about Imperial propaganda.

Summary: Imperial Supreme Commander Darth Vader is sent to investigate accusations of a university lecturer spreading treasonous Rebel propaganda. A class on the life and work of Naboo’s former Queen Amidala brings back painful memories.

As far as punishments go, it would appear on the face of it that Darth Vader had lucked out. Being sent to assist the ISB might be painfully boring but at least it wasn’t painful. It seemed almost incongruous to the Emperor’s rage at his apprentice, once again, letting the Rebels slip through his fingers.

Vader knew better. Pain, he was used to. Pain, he could tolerate. Wasting his skills and time on pointless political suppression, investigating academics for spreading Rebel lies irked him immensely. The Emperor’s way of reminding him that he was replaceable, disposable.

And to rub salt in his wounds, he was commanded to investigate the faculty at the University of Theed. To be mere clicks away from his beloved’s final resting place was a pointed twist of the knife.

The quicker he got it over with, the quicker he could get back to hunting down the Rebels, so the Sith pushed all thoughts of her out of his mind.

Or at least, that was his intention. Begrudgingly, he followed the ISB Agent into the lecture hall. The Agent was to lead the interrogation, Vader was there to provide leverage.

The class had already started. Fifty pairs of eyes turned on them and the lecturer stopped abruptly.

“Can I help you?” she asked, a strong voice despite the fear spiking through her blood at the sight of Vader.

The Agent gave her shark-tooth smile. “Agent Elliot, ISB. We’ll just be sitting in your lecture today. Making sure everything is up the standards of our great Emperor.”

The way he cocked his head towards Vader made it clear it was not a request.

The lecturer stiffened. “What does education have to do with security?” she asked.

“Sedition,” said the Agent, “is a crime.”

She gave them a flat look. “Fine. Take a seat. Be sure to let us know when the truth runs up against the Emperor’s delicate sensibilities,” she snarked.

Vader felt a brief bit of surprise at her insolence and then almost amused. He really did not like Agent Elliot. There was something about the steel in her eye that made him wonder if all the Naboo were just like that.

They stood at the back of the hall, Elliot pointedly taking notes on his datapad, and Vader glowering, and the lecturer got back to her class.

“Okay hopefully you’ve all read chapters five, nine and ten on the Invasion of Naboo and the Clone Wars.”

There was some half-hearted murmuring across the room. The lecturer rolled her eyes.

“Come on guys. Fine. Does anyone in this room not know who Queen Amidala was?”

There was a smattering of laughter and snorts of disbelief.

Darth Vader didn’t hear the lecturer’s reply because what was left of his body went numb and a distant ringing filled up his ears. He stood frozen as the lecturer set up a holoprojector and suddenly it was her. Her face, lit up and larger than life before his eyes. Her voice breaking through the ringing in his ears and bouncing around his skull.

“Like so many of the people that we tell ourselves we're here to serve, Teckla lives in a district that rarely has electricity and running water as a result of the war.”

Vader could feel his heart stop in his chest. His mind went completely blank. He watched, as if from a very far distance, as the holoprojector floated up off the desk, crumpled up like a piece of flimsi, and then shattered into dust.

Stillness fell over the room as all the students and the lecturer stared at the spot where the holoprojector had sat seconds prior.

The lecturer seemed to recover first, giving herself a little shake and pointedly not looking at Vader.

“Well,” she said, “I’ve got printed copies of this speech on flimsi,” she handed out sheets for students to pass around while they started to whisper to each other, furtive glances in Vader’s direction.“So everyone take a couple of minutes to read the speech and take some notes.”

The students followed their instructions as the lecturer awkwardly scooped up the remains of her holoprojector and deposited them into a bin.

“Okay,” she said at last, “what does this speech tell us about the Clone Wars?”

A handful of students raised their hands, the lecturer pointed to a bothan girl, one of the few non-humans in the class.

“The war was causing lots of suffering and the Senate weren’t doing a good job stopping it. This is why the Emperor had to take over, to ensure peace.”

The lecturer glanced over at where Agent Elliot was standing and didn’t try to hide the roll of her eyes.

“I suppose it could be interpreted that way. Senator Amidala spoke out against corruption in the Senate many times.”

“She didn’t support the war,” said another student, a human boy, “doesn’t that make her a Separatist?”

“And she signed the bill asking the Emperor to hand power back to the Senate. Isn’t that treason?” added his friend.

Another disdainful eye roll in the ISB Agent’s direction as the lecturer trotted out the party line through gritted teeth.

“Senator Amidala was a close, personal friend of the Emperor. The Emperor supports democracy and free speech, but order had to be restored after the war. Senator Amidala was a great leader and surely would have supported the Empire had she lived long enough to see the excellent things it has achieved.”

“Professor?” another student put up her hand. “I was going to do my paper on Senator Amidala and the days around the rise of the Empire but there’s hardly any sources? Should I pick another topic? Do you know how she died?”

Genuine curiosity broke through the lecturer’s stony façade but as she opened her mouth to answer, she yelped and jumped back as her entire desk broke in half.

She stared at the desk. She stared at the rows of students gaping in shock. She stared at Vader.

Her eyes narrowed minutely at the Sith and then, apparently throwing all caution and good sense to the wind, she continued her answer.

“It’s a matter of some… contention,” she started slowly. “Senator Amidala was last seen at her home on Coruscant several hours after the formation of the Empire. She took her personal ship, and left Coruscant. There’s no further sources on where she was or what happened to her.”

The lecture hall felt very cold all of a sudden. Despite the ominous feeling in her gut, the lecturer continued.

“Official Imperial sources reported her death as an act of terrorism by a Jedi. They claim she died a martyr for the Empire.”

“And you don’t think that’s true?” asked a student. It was a fair question. The disbelief was clear in her tone.

The lecturer glanced over again to Vader and the Agent. She shrugged.

“Without any evidence to the contrary, it might as well be true. I think her actions as Queen and as Senator tell us exactly what Amidala would have thought of the Empire.” She ignored the twitch of the Agent’s brow at her tone, and pointed to a student. “Yes, Ilya.”

The class continued, moving on to discuss the boring, political, parts of the Clone Wars which Vader, for one, had no desire to relive.

None of it was new to him anyway, so he allowed himself to zone out the class, gingerly picking through the whirlwind of his thoughts.

Her. Somehow of all the days, of all the classes, they were discussing her.

He briefly mused on whether it was the Force, or his own cursed bad luck. Or, more cynically, if this was engineered by his Master, as part of his punishment.

They remembered her, quoted her speeches and still respected her as a leader, as Queen and as Senator. And yet they knew nothing about her.

They didn’t know that her laughter was musical when she was happy, and a graceless snigger when he made a particularly lewd joke. They didn’t know how the air in a room seemed to change when she walked into it, like all the atoms had ceased moving. Or how it changed again, when she spoke, always uncompromising and direct, like static electricity crackled between her sentences. They didn’t know all the good she could have done. Would have done.

He had robbed the galaxy of her blinding, beautiful presence. She was the only good thing left and he killed her and it was all his fault.

A blaring alarm shook him out of his reverie as students started to pack up their bags and awkwardly file out the door past him, shooting him apprehensive glances as they went.

The girl from before, who had asked… who had asked about that, was loitering behind to approach her teacher.

“Um,” she started, “so what should I do my paper on? So many of the books in the library have been taken out by the new censorship laws, it’s so hard to find good sources.”

The lecturer flashed her student a smile. “It just so happens that the Senator Amidala’s father used to work at this university, he’s an old friend and he dropped off some of the Senator’s old memoirs.”

She went to her bag and pulled out a datapad. “It’s all been copied to the holonet, and,” she rolled her eyes in Vader’s direction, once again demonstrating a remarkable lack of fear for her life, “edited to remove anything that could be interpreted as anti-Imperial. There’s lots of good anecdotes from her time as Senator, and a fair few political essays.”

They started to talk further about the student’s paper but Vader wasn’t listening, his legs moving before he was fully conscious of it, coming to a stop in front of the lecturer and snatching the datapad from her hand. She gave him an unimpressed glare and he was suddenly overcome with a need to explain himself.

“The ISB will need to review this,” he said stiffly, “for evidence.” He abruptly turned on his heel and walked out the room, nearly running over Agent Elliot in the corridor.

“Other than her having an attitude problem, there’s not much to go on here, she’s not distributing illegal material as far as we can see,” said the Agent. “What’s that?” He asked, pointing to the datapad in Vader’s hand.

“Nothing that concerns you,” replied Vader, and stalked away in a flurry of black fabric and disdain.

It wasn’t until he was back in his chambers aboard the Executor that he dared take out the datapad again, too often surrounded by nosy Imperial officials and gossipy stormtroopers.

He flicked it to a random page and at the first line he read, let out a snort of amusement, the sound odd and distorted through his vocoder.

“In a democracy, citizens have a duty to stand up against tyranny. In order to benefit from the rights and freedoms that democracy brings, citizens have an obligation to be vigilant against the rise of authoritarianism.”

This, thought Vader, was definitely not Imperial approved material. Distantly, he wondered if he should report it, this incendiary material was on the holonet, anyone could read it.

People would know what she thought. More would remember her as a traitor.

He preferred to imagine that he could have convinced her, that she would have come to see that the Empire was necessary. But. He quietly knew the truth. She was stalwart in her beliefs and a hell of a lot more stubborn than he was.

She would have been proud to be labelled a traitor by this Empire. She would hate to be remembered as a martyr for it.

She always did have the last word, Vader thought dryly, resolving to conveniently forget about the memoirs being on the holonet, and settled onto a chair to read every word she had written.

[rymndsmth]

querencia (jang han seo)

🎤 hello and gather around fellow himbo lovers, here is a small fic about our beloved and his life after That guy kicks the bucket. also idk how i managed to turn this into a love story? anyways lmfao, hope y’all enjoy! 

Everything felt so different.

Truthfully, Han Seo never imagined what his life could be like, would be like, without the proverbial ever tightening noose around his neck. One that had been unexpectedly and disappointingly placed on him as a child by the one person that was supposed to remove such things. He was now free of that person, and the fear that stemmed from veering off the path set by them, but wasn’t entirely too certain that he was free of that feeling. 

His muscles couldn’t shake it. The sudden chill to the bone, the anticipation of retaliation from an act that hadn’t yet occurred. Such an act that could never occur anymore given that his brother was dead. He knew this, but his mind had never been good at accepting possibilities that were positive. 

This much was evident in the case of his relationship with Vincenzo. There was no reason why the stoic yet baby faced Mafia member would want to keep him around, at least not any that he could see. So, Han Seo spent the first few weeks asking the question both silently and aloud, will you kill me? Vincenzo had the motive, it’s not exactly like his hands were clean in his previous dealings with Babel, and he most certainly had the means.

It wasn’t until Han Seo was told that because he was trying to make amends, he wouldn’t end up in the Jang family crypt well before his time that he started to feel at ease. Still, for months after that conversation, he still had the nagging feeling that some invisible fist was lurking around every bend. 

Regardless of that, Han Seo decided he would not waste his liberation however short lived it might have been. He made up his mind that he was going to do all the things that he was either too scared or outright forbidden to do before. The first thing on his list was to clean up his business. Luckily for him, the Guillotine file made it easy to weed out the snakes in the grass and allow him to steer Babel in the direction that the core of the business was about. 

The hardest part was going to be restoring the public’s faith in the organization. Cha Young told him as much, and advised him not to agonize over it as there will be new corruption that will grab their attention (and hers). He intended to be the Chairman that such a company deserved, and therefore continued to study no matter how nonsensical and outdated the information seemed. 

The second order of business was moving out of the place that felt more like a prison than a home to one that he liked. The realtor immediately recommended a few luxury places, but he turned them down to their surprise. Maybe it was due to the fact that he had seen what the quest for material wealth had done to his family (or more realistically because he wanted to be closer to newfound hyung  and his girlfriend). 

Either way, the house he settled on had its luxuries, but in a more affordable and quaint neighborhood. Han Seo even went as far as to attempt painting on his own, which went as well as expected for someone that didn’t even know the difference between a brush and a roller. 

Being able to do what he wanted proved to be chaotic at times. There was no one to stop him from going on last minute trips to Jeju just for oranges and a quick dip into the ocean. Or to take away all the sweet and savory snacks that he found at these things called convenience stores. 

He would stay up all night sometimes, not to binge watch all the shows he missed out on, but just to sit in silence. He didn’t know that the quiet could be so nice. That it was a space of tranquility and relaxation rather than one filled with anxiety. Of course, Han Seo more often than not regretted the choice not to sleep and ended up at the cafe a few blocks from his place. 

While obviously no one had better coffee than the one at Babel, he found himself going to the cozy spot with increasing frequency because of her. The first time he saw her, she was deciding on which apple to choose from the basket beside the register. He then noticed that her canvas bag was filled with art supplies, and decided that it was a brilliant idea to draw a conclusion. 

I think the one to the right would make a great subject on paper, he grinned. 

She stared at him in a way that made him contemplate whether to not she was related to Vincenzo hyung before replying flatly:

I’m looking for the tartest one to go with my tea. 

He was left a bumbling mess of flustered sounds and rapidly blinks, not getting the opportunity to insert some retort that undoubtably would’ve put him deeper into the realm of idiot. 

The following morning he went again. No cup of coffee, not even the ridiculously overpriced espresso at Babel, would give him that jolt of electricity he felt under her gaze. And sure enough, she was there. This time her apple sat upon a folded napkin right beside her tea, and in front of them both was her sketchpad. On the page? A picture of the fruit. He couldn’t control the noise of exasperation that left him as he passed her table. On his way out he tossed over his shoulder with a grin so wide it hurt:

Nice drawing. 

Their interactions continued in that same vein. Short, filled with just the right amount of bite. The balance of who had the best and last say constantly shifting, becoming somewhat of a competition. 

You’re outside today, is that weed your subject?

As if there weren’t enough clowns in this neighborhood already.

You buy a lot of lattes for an artist that’s supposed to be starving.

Ironic coming from the gentrifier walking around a working class neighborhood in thousand dollar shoes.  

He had look up what that g word meant after their last exchange.

There was something else he never got to do in his past. Sure, Han Seo had the occasional date or two, but commitment? That was out of the question. It wouldn’t have served his brother well if there was anyone around that would motivate him to step out from his hold. The realization that he never had a serious relationship hadn’t hit him until he started to have inconvenient thoughts during board meetings about stuff like taking a long afternoon stroll, and holding hands with her.

Han Seo could barely focus on the stack of jargon dense reading before him. He sent Vincenzo a text saying that he was coming over with soju, not waiting for a reply before making the short journey to Geumga. Cha Young’s face fell when she answered the door, muttering that she thought he was her delivery, but lit up once she saw he brought along alcohol. After poking around the rice he begged for them to share and sighing loudly for half an hour, Vincenzo ushered him out. He implored him to get a hobby so that these late night visits wouldn’t become a habit.  

He was confused by that. Weren’t studying and running a company hobbies? On his walk back home he spotted a flyer that someone was offering private classes for beginners painting. The nightmare of a time he had trying to get the walls in his kitchen evenly colored popped up in his brain, instantly making him tear off one of the numbers. He didn’t exactly know how learning to paint homes was going to be a practical hobby, but hell, he would have something to show Vincenzo later. 

While he was on one of his impromptu trips to the seaside, Han Seo had his assistant set up the class for him to take when he returned. As a gift for the instructor, he thought it would be nice to bring them an extra bag of oranges. If the session sucked, or if he hated it, at the very least there was going to be something to brighten the mood. 

The day he got back, he even went as far as to tidy up the place on his own and put some fresh flowers around so the air was lightly scented. He practically waited at the door until the alarm sounded to let him know that his instructor arrived. 

Is this a joke? She huffed.

No, I didn’t even know you were the teacher! His protest was adamant. I was on a trip and even brought back Jeju- He paused. Han Seo knew he wasn’t the brightest, but bringing up the oranges seemed like it would upset her given their previous history. 

You brought back what? Her brow raised.

Mmm, good energy! Don’t you feel the vibes from the ocean? He spread his arms wide. 

Han Seo waved her inside hurriedly, trying desperately to get past the awkward exchange. Of all people, he never would’ve thought it would be the neighborhood’s cute sass machine. A small noise of happiness couldn’t be stopped from escaping him as she accepted the invitation. Her eyes scanned the place without restraint, nose wrinkling when she took a look at the kitchen. 

Where are your supplies? A slender finger ran across the surface of his counter. 

Supplies? He thought that was included in the price for the lessons. 

She sighed, placing a sketchbook, brushes, and small pots of paint onto the table. It was now very apparent to him that the advertisement did not mean what he thought it did. Thank goodness he also didn’t decide to open his mouth about that beforehand, it probably would’ve made her smack him with her bag. 

Here, the materials were slid over when he sat. Paint something.

His facial expression surely mirrored what he was thinking. Han Seo had no recollection of ever trying to do this, not even during the course of his way overpriced private school education. She urged him on with a nod, only relaxing into her chair when he flipped open the book and picked up a fine brush. 

There was nothing in particular he wanted to paint. Hell, he didn’t even know if he wanted to paint at all. This was simply something random that came up when he needed it. 

To avoid being chastised, he dipped his brush into the light blue color and started swiping randomly across the blank page. He swapped the brush and added some dark green, then pink, and finished if off with small dots of white. At the end it looked like something a toddler would’ve considered a masterpiece. She eyed it with surprising interest. 

You clearly didn’t know what you wanted to achieve with this, or why you were doing it at all. 

Han Seo was about to interject with a prideful defense before she continued. 

That’s good. It’s better to work with an unbiased mind. Her eyes met his. Your technique is shit though. 

He laughed, like truly laughed. It was a full bellied, unashamedly loud, attack of sonic waves. She seemed to find it amusing, a hint of a smile dancing across her lips. 

Alright, let’s start with how to actually hold a paintbrush. 

There was no telling when their interactions had gone from less than playful banter to warm and friendly (still with a side of joking). Han Seo couldn’t put his finger on it. Did it happen during the second lesson where he mistakenly put paint on her hands, and didn’t settle for no when he said he would wash them off for her? 

Or was it the time he was running late for work, but the barista already had his order prepared because she told them that he was on the way? Perhaps it was the time she had to reschedule their Saturday morning for the evening instead, and all he could think about was trying to replicate the color of her alcohol flushed cheeks onto the page before him. 

Han Seo had never done the whole confession thing before, so he wasn’t sure about how it worked. An unfamiliar kind of anxiety crept up his spine as he poured glasses of wine and organized a fruit plate. Soft music played in the background accompanied by the crackle of the expensive candles he bought specifically for the occasion. Her mouth parted slightly as she took everything in once she arrived for what was supposed to be an ordinary session involving watercolors. 

Wow, got a hot date later or something? Her legs seemed to automatically take her to the table. 

Actually, He brought the glasses over to where she sat. It’s for you. 

Oh…She gasped. A few seconds passed that felt more like minutes before she picked one up and held it high. Cheers then!

Something about it made him feel like he made a mistake. Did he misread their change in demeanor towards one another? Was she truly just being kinder to him because she considered him to only be a friend? Han Seo tried to not let the embarrassment he felt seep into the room, keeping a smile locked and loaded for when she made a witty remark about stuff like him painting in the most inappropriate white button down. 

Don’t you have something to say to me? She quipped, neatly putting her things away after he finished. 

Me? I- no…I... He clenched his fists. Why couldn’t he come out and say it?! This was as good as a chance as he was ever going to get. If he let this opportunity slip, he wasn’t sure if there would be one again. He had to act, he had to-

What sounded like a small growl came from her as she raked her hand through her hair. She pulled him closer by the collar of his shirt, her nose just shy of rubbing against his. 

Jang Han Seo, when are you gonna stop driving me insane? She murmured, labored breaths dancing across his cupid’s bow. 

If only she knew how true and reciprocated that question was to him too. From the moment he couldn’t fight against thoughts about her entering his mind, to the smile she wore when he stepped across his threshold, and the way she said his goddamned name, it was all enough to make him want to combust. To burst out of his skin, transforming into something or someone else entirely. A person that fully accepted that there were no more restraints on their lives, that they was no more fear and no more betrayal. Someone that was completely in control, and free to take what was theirs. And so he did. 

It was painful, almost, the first time he kissed her. The second time even more so. By the third time, coupled with the question of her tongue prodding at his bottom lip, Han Seo had shedded the last of his previous being. He cupped her face, thumbs toying with her curled sideburns as he consumed her. Quiet whimpers made way for desperate cries, shivers were replaced by the searing heat of skin on skin. 

The high he’d chased fruitlessly so many times throughout his life was finally achieved with his arms wrapped tightly around her, their bodies pressed together as she shuddered and sighed his name. He was in disbelief that what he had experienced was real, so he chased it again and again, receiving the same result each time his sweat slicked forehead bowed to meet hers. 

Han Seo would learn that it could be obtained outside of that space they filled with the tangible evidence of their desire. It was also in buying melon flavored ice pops to eat in the park together on sunny days. The look on Vincenzo and Cha Young’s face when he timidly made the introduction. Her expression when she took her first bite of Hee Soo’s tteokbokki. When Mr. Nam and her had an hour long debate on which shade of red made the most realistic fake blood color. The flashing Best Chairman Ever coming from her phone when Babel secured their biggest deal yet without any dirty deals behind the scenes. 

That feeling, one that outshone the other by such a long shot that it was nearly eradicated, had been there all along in the life he’d made. She just helped him see it.  

[minghaocouture]

Pairing: Templar!Kim Mingyu x Elf Mage!Reader Genre: Dragon Age AU, enemies (?) to lovers, angst, established universe WC: 5k+ Warning: magical lobotomy (through branding), language

A/N: So this is for @merakiiverse job au collab! I’ve been wanting to write a Dragon Age au for like...ever, and this just gave me the push I needed. So there are some terms from the game used in the fic but I did my best to explain them without taking away from the story. Also really glad i finished this before i got sick lol. 

“Come on wake up!” You groaned, slapping away the hands of your best friend as he tried to shake you awake. You had gotten to sleep pretty late last night, having snuck into the circle library to do a bit more reading after hours so you were trying to bask in the last few minutes of sleep before your lessons today. 

You heard a loud groan from the younger male before everything seemed to turn upside down and your frame was sent tumbling to the stone floor of the Apprentice Quarters with a loud thud and a shriek. Your eyes snapping open to glare at your dear friend Chan with his hands still gripping the mattress that he had just thrown you from. 

Quickly you shoved your palms against the chilled stone flooring to push yourself up, as the male laughed hysterically and dropped the mattress back onto the simple wooden frame of your bottom bunk. 

“Chan, I want you to remember that we are trapped in this tower together for the rest of our lives. So I will be getting you back for this.” You muttered angrily as you brushed off your scratchy white sleeping robes that the circle had provided for you. Fueled by frustration, you quickly fixed up your bed so that the senior enchanters wouldn’t be angry with you for making a mess. 

“Hey come on, don’t be like that!” He quickly exclaimed, offering you some assistance with fixing your bed if only so he could get on your good side once again. It’s usually what he would do to try and get on your good side, things like taking your cleaning duties or distracting the templars so you can sneak into the libraries at night. “I woke you up for a reason!”

“And what would that be?”

“They brought in new templars, fresh new faces for us to make fun of!” He made a good point. During your extended stay in the circle Chan and you had taken to picking at the Templars that were assigned to ‘guard’ the tower, well the Templars that wouldn’t immediately attack or detain you for your teasings. You shuddered as you remembered being thrown into the cramped cell that was used for solitary confinement. 

“How many this time?” You questioned, pulling your daily robes from the chest at the foot of the bunk beds that you and Chan shared. You swiftly stripped yourself of the uncomfortable white material of your night robes and slipped on the navy blue skirt, once again curious as to why the skirts had such delicate embroidery on the hem if they were simply to be given to mages. Maybe it was something to make your people think they were in a higher position than they were, either that or a small ‘oh here are some pretty robes, we definitely consider mages people!’ kind of thing. You weren’t too sure. 

Chan took a seat on the bed as you tied the skirt to fit your waist, he wasn’t bothered by your disrobing at this point. After all, the two of you had been in this tower since you were children and it wasn’t like the tower offered much privacy for any of the apprentices. If you wanted that you would have to pass your harrowing, only then would you receive private quarters.

You struggled with your skirt for a moment, it being far too big for you, but it wasn’t like they made new robes for every apprentice; everything you owned was a hand me down from either a senior enchanter or...a tranquil. 

“There were four of them, they all looked like they came right from training too. No old farts this time,” He explained, lounging on your too thin mattress as you slipped the top piece on, the long sleeves and thick fabric felt just as suffocating as it did every day, and it also continued to show your status as a lower being in the eyes of these people. The small gold trim wasn’t as nice as it was on the human’s robes, and you were sure that was the point. It was something that looked nice, but not as nice as the human mages robes that Chan wore. It wasn’t enough that your mage abilities make you a lesser being but your elven blood as well, you were certain that the Maker had a sense of humor when he made you. 

With practiced ease you tied the laces of your sleeves around your wrists before working on the clasps of your belts. It was a constricting and suffocating outfit that made you feel quite claustrophobic at times. As if the robes were just as bad as the tower itself.

“Well, I guess let’s go check them out. Gotta let these newbies know that not all mages are just gonna let them walk over us.” You tried to seem optimistic but after being in this tower for almost 16 years, it was a little harder to force that smile sometimes. Which was why you were grateful you had Chan with you, the two of you looked out for each other no matter what happened.

He hopped off of your bed and took a firm grasp on your wrist before pulling you out of the shared apprentice chambers, ignoring the strange looks from the templars and other apprentices as the two of you dashed into the hallway on the first floor of your prison. 

The two of you peered around the corner into the entrance hall as you watched the initiates be inducted by Knight Commander Greagoir, the head of your captors, he was telling them all about their duty to the citizens of Ferelden and the Chantry, all that nonsense. It was basically just propoganda to make these people feel like they had the right to place themselves above you.

The new initiates weren’t too impressive, once again all humans of course, because the precious Chantry couldn’t trust elves such as yourself to become Templars. Most likely because elves would be more likely to opposed the confining of people just for circumstances of their birth, at least the ones who weren’t already brain washed into believing the Chantry’s inane teachings. That thought always reminded you that even if you weren’t trapped in this tower, you would simply be in an alienage in one of the many towns around Ferelden, another prison. Elves simply weren’t welcomed or free anywhere, at least not in a human society. There were surprisingly three women and only one male this time, which was abnormal because women seemed to stray more towards becoming Chantry sisters than Templars. So that was interesting, you’d have to figure out their names. The only interesting thing about the male was his ridiculous height. He looked almost tall enough to be a member of the Qunari, all he was missing was the horns, or at least you assumed since you had never seen a Qunari in real life. 

If only you knew what would follow this day.

***

“You know, you aren’t supposed to be in the library after lights out.” 

You almost screamed in surprise at the unfamiliar voice. You knew the schedule for the Templars and usually you were able to skirt around and hide whenever it was time for their rounds to reach the libraries. Apparently tonight was determined to be different. Glancing up from your book you flashed the Templar a sheepish smile, instantly recognizing this man as one of the new initiates whose name you had yet to learn. It wasn’t exactly...forbidden but initiates were definitely encouraged to not give their name to the mages or learn the names of the mages either, it was probably so they didn’t connect that you were real living beings and develop a conscience. 

“You wouldn’t believe me if I said I had an incurable illness that causes me to sleep walk around the tower, would you?” You were likely to be in deep shit because of this. Knowing how new recruits were, usually the super brown nosing type, they wanted to make superiors happy so that they could get promotions. Unfortunately for you, that usually meant getting mages into trouble.

Knowing this was probably why you were so shocked to hear the giant male snort, in an attempt to hold back a laugh. In all the years of living here, you hadn’t met a Templar who actually laughed at your jokes or smiled at you...like this male was doing right now. He glanced over his shoulder looking towards the opening in the shelves that hid the two of you from view. This library was almost perfect for hiding, the rows were like their own little hallways with bookshelves that almost reached the ceiling which was perfect for blocking the light of your candle when you were here at night. He must be checking to make sure that none of his co-workers had entered the library after him. 

Soon his attention was back to you, a small boyish smirk on his faces as he spoke. “Well I suppose I’d ask you to tell me about this terrible illness, is it contagious? I’m not sure the other mages would like it if I was roaming the halls in my sleep.” 

You were once again dumbfounded by this human. You wouldn’t expect him to think about what would and wouldn’t upset the mages, usually the Templars just did what they wished with no regard for those they were meant to be watching over. 

“No, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t like that. Lucky for you, I was born with it just like my hideous magic.” You didn’t truly believe that your magic was horrible. If everything was done by the Maker for a reason, then so were mages! People were just taking Andraste’s “Magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him,” thing a bit too far. 

“I don’t think your magic is horrible. It’s a gift from the Maker! The Maker doesn’t give bad gifts,” He confessed, quite a controversial opinion for a Templar to have. With one more glance over his shoulder to make sure that the two of you were still alone, he pulled out the chair across from you and took a seat.

“I’m Mingyu. What’s your name?” 

***

After that fateful night in the library, Mingyu and you kept in contact but only in the dead of night and only when he was scheduled to patrol the first floor library. Tonight was one such night.

“Chan is getting suspicious, ya know?” You mentioned, laughing softly from your seat at the table the two of you frequented. He raised a brow at you and tilted his head slightly, his lips jutting out in a small pout. He honestly looked pretty adorable like that, nothing like the fearsome Templar act he had to put on during the day. 

“He thinks I’m shaking up with another apprentice and not telling him.” 

“Imagine the look on his face if he knew you were just hanging out with me.” Mingyu retorted, going to rest his cheek on his palm only to remember that he was wearing his gaudy templar armor and deciding against it. This caused him to pout more and for you to laugh, making sure to keep your volume down so you weren’t caught by anyone else patrolling the area.

A silence fell over the two of you as your laughter subsided. It was here where the two of you were illuminated only by candlelight that you felt safe. That was something you weren’t used to feeling. In the Circle, there was a constant need to watch your back and be on your guard just in case some random Templar got pissy because you ‘looked at them funny’. It was a struggle for survival.

These nights were different though. You could almost imagine that you weren’t locked inside this tower you could dream about possibly being free and in the outside world that you vaguely remembered. Hell, how long had it been since you had seen the sun?

"How long have you been in the Tower?" 

The question was innocent enough, but it definitely threw you off guard. It wasn't something you liked to think about often. It had been so many years ago and it wasn’t exactly a...pleasant memory.

"It's been...I think about 17 years almost? I developed my magic when I was around 6 years old and my mother was very devout. So she turned me into the chantry, saying that the Maker had frowned upon her and her family by giving them a Mage for a daughter." It hurt a lot thinking back on the day that your mother had abandoned you. Her pleas to the Chantry mothers, begging them to take you as she also begged for the Maker's forgiveness. Thinking she had obviously done something wrong if she had given birth to a mage. 

You watched a frown set it self onto his face, obviously not having expected to hear such a thing. Most parents went so far as to hide their children from the Chantry, making them apostates, illegal mages, so that they wouldn't lose their precious bundles of joy. Just like Chan's parents. They had fought tooth and nail to keep him when the Templars came, it even cost them their lives. Chan didn't like talking about it but you knew that he still had frequent nightmares about that horrible day.

"What about you?" You questioned, diverting the attention from your situation and onto Mingyu. "Why did you become a Templar? I'm sure being a regular knight would have been just as nice, if not easier. At least knights aren’t also stuck inside the Circle tower." It may not have been a prison to the Templars, but they were still trapped inside these halls as well. Most weren’t really able to leave either unless they were going to visit their families, and even then that was rare.

He chuckled dryly at your words and shook his head.

"Something we have in common, I suppose. My family is also very devout, very deep into the teachings of the Chantry. All the men end up becoming Templars if they can. It's in our blood. So of course, as soon as I was old enough to hold a sword I was sent off to training to try and become the best Templar the Kim line had ever seen." The look on his face was one of melancholy, one that you recognized as a look that you had seen on other mages. The look of someone trapped in their own fate.

"Guess we're...kinda in the same boat, huh?" You gently nudged his arm that rested on the table with one of your fist. It was a small gesture, but one with meaning for both of you. Reaching out he gently, or as gently as he could while wearing full plate mail, took your extended hand in his own. The cold metal was a stark contrast against your heated skin, causing you to shiver lightly. He gave a small squeeze and a tiny smile made it’s way onto his face, as if he had been comforted by your words. 

You felt your heart stutter for a moment, watching the features of his face in the candle light. It was still for a moment before he released you hand and stood from his chair. 

"I should get back to my patrols before any other the others get suspicious. I'll leave a note in our spot when we can meet up again."

You were moments away from responding but stopped short as he leaned down and pressed his lips softly against your forehead. You were stunned still and silent as you watched him pull away, smiling at you once again, before slipping off into the night. 

Your heart pounded in your chest as you stared after him in shock. Your face flushed with heat, and you knew that Kim Mingyu would be the death of you at this rate.

***

"I hope this doesn't offend you but...what is so bad about being made Tranquil?" 

You winced slightly at his words, the thoughts of the Tranquil always frightened you. Of course, being a Chantry boy, he had been told from a young age that being made Tranquil was a mercy for mages. Because if you were Tranquil then at least you were alive. It was all a lode of rubbish. Instead of just answering his question, you decided to ask one of your own.

"Do you know Owain? The Tranquil who runs the Circle stock room?" He nodded slowly, unsure of where exactly you were going. "I arrived at the tower before he was turned. He was a kind man who took me under his wing and helped me adjust to life at the tower. I was very young and so very scared, but Owain had basically turned into a father figure for me. I cared for him so much." You felt tears prick at your eyes, threatening to spill over as you recalled the man you once knew. 

"One morning, a few years after Chan had been sent here. I had to have been around 11, well we woke to find Owain standing in front of the stock room just like he does now. Only he was no longer the kind, father figure I had grown to love. He was so cold, lifeless. Being made Tranquil isn't a mercy to mages, it's taking every part of them that makes them who they are and ripping it away." You tried to keep quiet, but the more you spoke the more anger and fear bubbled in your guts. You had barely even registered that you had begun crying.

"You become a lifeless husk that holds the shape of who you used to be."

You couldn't bring yourself to look up from the table, to watch the emotions that were surely playing out on his face as he watched you cry. You were surprised at how silently he had moved, because you were soon pulled to stand and held tightly against his armored chest. It wasn't too comfortable because of the plate mail he constantly wore, the metal poking into your skin and it reminded you that while this embrace was comforting...it was also dangerous. Against your better judgement, your arms quickly wrapped around him and pulled him closer as you tried your best to keep your cries quiet. As you sobbed you heard him whisper soft nothings to you, but one stood out from the rest.

A promise that he would never let you be made Tranquil.

***

It wasn't long before those soft forehead kisses from before became kisses of passion. Soon you didn't need the candle light as your guide as you followed the curves of his body under his armor. Things changed quickly, and before you knew it two years had passed and you were hopelessly in love with Kim Mingyu. Something that should have never come to pass.

You were certain that at least First Enchanter Irving knew, he somehow knew everything that happened in the Circle Tower, and while you weren't a very religious woman, you found yourself praying to the Maker that Knight Commander Greagoir was still clueless. Unfortunately the one person you wanted to talk to about this was the person you were most determined to keep in the dark. 

Lee Chan, your best friend.

"You should tell him." Mingyu, gently caressed your cheek, his gloves had been taken off long ago as the two of you lounged in your usual spot in the library. Your meetings had gotten farther and fewer between as he rose in the ranks of the knights and you stayed a simple apprentice. 

If you were being honest you were a bit worried about that as well, but Mingyu assured you that it was nothing to be concerned about. 

“Oh sure, that’ll go well. I can picture it now. ‘Hey Chan, you know the Templars who watch our every move and are sometimes ordered to strip us of our entire sense of self, yeah I’m in love with one of them. The tall lanky one that has been trying to joke with you, yeah the one you complain about all the time that’s him’.” You chuckled to yourself as you thought about his reaction to that, and not really realizing what you had just admitted. Not until you glanced over at Mingyu and found him staring at you dumbfounded. 

“You love me?”

You froze, like a A million thoughts raced through your head, all of the best and worst possible outcomes. What if he didn’t feel the same way? What if this was just fooling around? What if he said he could never love an elf and he had just been using you? What if, what if?! Your heart thudded loudly inside your chest as you stared at him, unable to enunciate the way he made you feel.

Luckily for you all of those what ifs were cut off as his hand grasped the back of your neck and pulled you into a kiss filled with such fire that you could almost feel yourself being burned. Everything he wanted to say was trapped inside this kiss, you weren’t alone with your feelings and this kiss told you all you needed to know and more. 

After a string of long, intense kisses that you were almost certain would lead to another round of light touches and soft moans, he pulled away. His forehead pressed against your own and a large almost blinding smile was plastered on his face.

“I love you too.”

***

You stared at the small flame of your candle in silence, he was late. Usually he was exactly on time, never early and definitely never late. It was too dangerous otherwise. Your stomach was in knots at the thought of what could possibly be keeping him. That’s when you heard the sound of armor clanking against the stone flooring, almost like the person was running. Since you weren’t entirely sure it was him, you quickly blew out your candle and slid under the table to hide. 

The footsteps got closer and your heartbeat seemed to be almost as loud as the steps themselves. You only relaxed at the small call of your name. The familiar voice had you out from under the table in record time.

“You scared the daylights out of me Mingyu, I was worried something had happened.” You confessed, using a small bit of your magic to light the candle’s flame once again. The light gave way to the terrified look on his face, streaks of tears stained his cheeks, and you found yourself running to his side to wipe away the fresh batch that was threatening to spill out.

“Mingyu, baby what’s wrong?” You whispered, doing your best to comfort him by taking his hand in your free one and using the other to gently caress his cheek.

“We need to go. The Phylactery chamber, we need to find yours. I need to get you out of here.” His deep voice cracked as he tried his best to control his tears. He looked so frightened and pale even, despite his tanned skin. Your heart sunk as you thought of your Phalactery, the vial of blood that had been taken from you when you arrived and was stored inside a chamber with all of the other apprentice’s. It was the templar’s way of tracking you if you had ever escaped, and was the biggest reason you had never attempted to escape the circle.

What he was suggesting was crazy though, there was no way the two of you would be able to storm the Phalactery chamber, there were two locks and it required a fully realized enchanter to unlock one of them and you...had yet to be called for your Harrowing. So you tried to console him. 

“Baby, what are you talking about? You know we can’t do something that crazy. If we get caught you’ll be kicked out of the order or worse, sent somewhere like Aeonar. Why are you ev-”

“They want to make you tranquil.” 

Your heart stopped at his confession, eyes going wide as your blood chilled within your veins. Subconsciously you took a step away from him in disbelief, you didn’t question the legitimacy of his words because you knew for certain that he wouldn’t lie to you like that. Not when he knew your fear of being made Tranquil. You watched as he stared helplessly at you and began speaking once more.

“Knight Commander Greagoir thinks that...he thinks that you might be a blood mage. Even suggesting that you- that what we have is because of a demon’s influence.” He took a step forward to close the distance between the two of you, taking your hand back into his own. He liked holding your hand, he had said in the past, it made him feel loved so very loved.

“I know it’s not. I tried to talk to him but he...he wants me to perform the rite. Which is why we have to get you out of here!” 

Your mind seemed to be going a million miles per hour but also seemed to stop all at once. Your limbs had gone numb as you stared blankly at the floor in terror, you weren’t sure what to do. If you ran on your own then they would just send Templars to find you and with your phylactery, it would be quick work and both you and Mingyu would end up dead. If you followed Mingyu’s plan, you would most likely be caught and turned Tranquil anyway only with this route he would also be punished for his crimes. Lastly, If you stayed, you would be made tranquil at the hands of the man you loved. There was no winning in this situation, there was never a winning choice for a mage.

You pulled your hand from his grasp, causing a small pained sound to leave his lips, breaking your heart as it did so. 

“You have to do it…”

“Y/N no! We talked about this I won-”

“We don’t have any other choice!” You cursed yourself after your outburst, though at this point you weren’t sure you could get into anymore trouble. “If you got caught you would never be able to see Minseo or your parents again!” You had spoken of his family in great detail before, and you couldn’t bear to know that he would never see them again just because of his attachment to you. 

You didn’t want to be made Tranquil, but you also didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. This was the only option where at least one of you would be able to keep living freely.

Thinking about the fact that your days were now numbered scared you, the numb feeling from before seemed to linger but you couldn’t find it in yourself to cry. Not now, not when you had to seem like you were certain of your decision. He needed that from you.

So you swallowed your terror and gently cupped his cheeks in your hands.

“You have to do this Mingyu. There isn’t any way of getting out of this. Not that will actually work.” You muttered, voice soft as you kept eye contact with the male. You felt his hands reach up and rest over your own, and took solace in the fact that what the two of you felt was real. At least for a little while longer. 

“If it’s you...it’s okay.”

You had never lied to Mingyu before, but...this seemed like a good time to start.

***

The grip on your forearms was sure to form bruises, but at least after this you wouldn’t feel them. 

You stared before you as the branding rod held in Mingyu’s tight grip lingered over the open flame, making sure that the metal would be hot enough to etch itself into your skin. 

You couldn’t stop the tears that fell from your eyes, and you had sure tried. You knew that seeing you cry could cause Mingyu to hesitate, falter or even flat out refuse the order which would make this all for naught. At that moment, you felt so hopeless. Everything you had worked for, everything you had lived for would be coming to an end. All because of that simple, unassuming brand that your lover held. 

At the command of Greagoir, he moved the brand away from the flame and stepped towards you. Reciting the Chant of Light as he did so. It was supposed to bring comfort to the mages and remind them that this was the Maker’s will, you found the words mocking even coming from Mingyu’s lips.

“Magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him.” His voice strained as he spoke the Chant of Light, it broke your heart to hear him in such pain. His grip on the haft was so tight that you were almost certain that the metal of the rod would break.

“Foul and corrupt are they who have taken his gift, and turned it against his children.” His armored footsteps echoed against the stone flooring. Tears threatening to spill as he stepped closer to you. You felt the grip on your arms tighten as his fellow templars held you in place. 

“Remember, that...that this is a mercy.” 

With those last broken words escaping him, he lifted the sunburst brand and held it above your forehead. You saw the heartbreak burning in his eyes, and he hesitated refusing to move the brand any closer to your forehead. 

Your eyes met his and watched as he desperately tried to keep his composure. You forced a small pained smile onto your face, and that seemed to be the only thing he needed. Not a second later, the metal pressed against your forehead and sparks of blue lyrium seemed to burst forth as the sunburst brand stripped away every bit of emotion you had to replace you with a husk that could no longer connect to the fade, to magic. A husk with free will but a husk nonetheless. 

“I’m sorry.”

[lu-undy]

Chapter 49 - SBT

Here it is!

"Docteur? Docteur, please!" 

[Doctor? Doctor, please!]

It was past midnight and it took the medical expert about a minute to wake up from his slumber and realise that someone was shouting his name in the street. He slipped a gown on and thurtled down his stairs to the door. Of course, he had recognised the French accent. 

"L? Oh! That stench!" The Doctor fanned the air in front of his nose with his hand.

"It's M, he has been drugged and beaten up." 

"Is he breathing?"

"Oui, he is just unconscious."

"Come in, go straight to the bathroom, we'll make him take a bath first then." 

Lucien was carrying his unconscious friend and followed the doctor until he put Mundy's body in the bathtub. 

"Start undressing him and throw his clothes in this bin bag here... I need to get a change." The Doctor said and left Lucien alone.

The Frenchman sighed and threw his black jacket away before getting to work. He undid his cuffs and rolled up the sleeves of his black shirt after he threw his gloves away. Then, he started with Mundy's brown sleeveless jacket. 

"Mundy… Pourquoi tu as fait ça? Ils allaient te tuer, imbécile! Et puis on avait promis de le faire ensemble… Arh, j'imagine que j'ai brisé ma promesse en te disant que j'allais tuer Duchemin seul, donc tu ne fais que me rendre la pareille… Hm." 

[Mundy… Why did you do all that? They were going to kill you, imbecile! And we had both promised to do it together… Ugh, I guess I broke my promise when I told you that I would kill Duchemin alone, so you were only doing the same to me… Hm.]

Lucien removed the red, washed out polo shirt off of Mundy and looked down at his shoes. He removed the old, worn out boots and mismatched socks. His eyes then moved to the brown trousers. He gulped down hard and opened the zipper before pulling each leg swiftly. Now Mundy was laying in the bathtub with nothing on but his underwear. 

Lucien wouldn't remove them. Instead, he took the shower head and started the water. It took a few seconds before getting it warm. He rinsed Mundy's body quickly to get rid of any stains of mud or dirt. 

He then took one of the washcloths hung on the wall and started scrubbing the Aussie's skin with some shower gel. 

"Je ne sais pas à quoi tu pensais… Est-ce que seulement tu te rends compte de ce que tu as fait…?"

[What even were you thinking…? Do you even realise what you have done…?]

Lucien rinsed the first round of shower gel off and went for round two. The Doctor was behind the door and hearing Lucien talk to Mundy, he preferred giving them a moment alone. Lucien's eyes and hands went everywhere on Mundy's skin. He felt the tense muscles in his arms, the soft layer of fat on his stomach. But on the skin everywhere, Lucien could see the bruises, patches of red and even bluish, here and there. Mundy had got a pretty good beating and the Frenchman knew that he could defend himself. 

Ah. 

That surely must have happened as Mundy was chained or at least restrained. Lucien looked at his wrists, he could see the red marks that rope binding would leave. He raised his eyes to the unconscious man.

"Ils t'auraient tué, Mundy. Si je ne t'avais pas suivi, ils t'auraient tué…! Pourquoi tu as fait ça? Pourquoi? Est-ce que c'est de ma faute? Est-ce que j'ai dit ou fait quelque chose que je n'aurai pas du?"

[They would have killed you, Mundy. If I hadn't come to your rescue, they would have killed you…! Why did you do that? Why? Is it my fault? Did I say or do something that I shouldn't have?]

And of course Lucien knew that it was his fault. He imagined so. Mundy must have felt that nothing and no one held him back to this rock of a planet, and so he decided to take his leave, taking Duchemin with him… 

Lucien bit his lip. He felt atrociously guilty. The unconscious man he was washing the face of now had gone to his death all that for what…? God only knew, but Lucien was convinced he had something to do with it all. 

He rinsed off the second round of shower gel and took the shampoo. He spread some in his palms and applied it on Mundy's long hair. He didn't realise it as he was deep in thought, but Lucien was kneading the Aussie's scalp slowly, his fingers sliding between the long locks of dark brown. He took his time as if he was in slow motion, but that was only because his brain was thinking fast. 

If Lucien hadn't found Mundy early enough, he would have been washing a corpse's head. 

The realisation hit him like a punch in the throat and Lucien screwed his eyes shut. 

"Merde… Merde…" 

[Shit… Shit…]

He was breathing fast in shock. Of what? Of the thought that he indirectly had sent Mundy to die and that if Maurice hadn't told him anything, the Aussie wouldn't just be unconscious…

"Je te demande pardon… Je ne suis qu'un vieux con qui ne pense qu'à sa gueule… Pardon…" 

[I beg you to forgive me… I am nothing but an old idiot who only thinks about his own fucking self… I am so sorry…]

Lucien, who was kneeling next to the bathtub, pulled Mundy's head and hugged him. 

"Pardon… Pardon, j'ai failli te tuer avec mes conneries… J'ai failli te perdre avec mes mensonges…"

[Sorry… Sorry, I nearly had you killed with my nonsense… I nearly lost you with my lies…]

He clawed in his wet hair and his head strongly as he was whispering in his ear. 

"Je te promets que je ne voulais rien de tout ça. Je voulais t'épargner, je voulais te sauver. Je voulais y aller à ta place. Je sais que tu veux tuer Duchemin toi-même, mais tu n'y arriveras pas sans te faire tuer."

[I swear that I didn't want for any of this to happen. I wanted to spare you, I wanted to save you. I wanted to go in your stead. I know that you want to kill Duchemin yourself, but you won't manage it without getting killed.]

Lucien's lips were right next to Mundy's ear. They were so close to him that he could feel the warmth softly radiating from his body.

"S'il te plaît… S'il te plaît, quand tu te réveilleras, pardonne-moi, je t'en supplie…"

[Please… Please, when you wake up, forgive me, I beg you…]

Lucien squeezed the Aussie tighter before looking at his face, resting against his shoulder. He was still unconscious and a bit pale. Lucien rinsed his hair off, paying attention that no shampoo would drip to his eyes. 

He sighed, thinking again about Mundy's willingness to go and get killed instead of him.

"Je suis désolé…"

[I am sorry…]

Lucien stopped the water from running. The smell in the bathroom had turned from an abominable stench to vanilla, the shower gel's scent. The Frenchman put his wet hand on the Aussie's cheek and let his thumb brush it slowly. 

"Je ne mérite pas un homme comme toi." 

[I don't deserve a man like you.]

He rested his head on his arm, on the edge of the bathtub, and stared at Mundy, covered in bruises and sleeping. He pushed his long hair behind his ears and continued stroking his face slowly, while cupping his cheek in one hand. 

"Let me see what we have here…" The Doctor entered the bathroom and had to pause for a moment. Lucien's posture did surprise him, but the Frenchman didn't move. "Well the smell is much better for starters. You can leave him with me and take a break if you want."

Lucien turned his head and looked up. 

"Are you sure? You don't need any help to carry him?" He asked.

"Nah, don't worry." The Doctor picked up Lucien's black jacket and matching gloves and put them on a table in the entrance hall of the house. Lucien had followed him. "I'll deal with him now, I'm used to it. Go and get some fresh air, you look like you need it."

Lucien nodded and the Doctor headed back to the bathroom. 

"Docteur?"

[Doctor?]

The beggar stopped and turned to Lucien. 

"Yes?" 

"May I stay with him for the night?" 

The Doctor smiled. 

"Sure. Just let me deal with him."

"But of course, many thanks."

Lucien took his cigarette case and lighter in his jacket pocket and went outside. He sat right behind the front door, on the few steps there and lit a cigarette. 

The night was deadly dark and equally quiet. 

Lucien yanked off his balaclava, his hair following in a mess, and rubbed his eyes. 

"Huh?" 

Only now did he realise that his vest and shirt were wet and some foam from the shampoo had stuck to him when he had hugged Mundy.

He didn't mind the cool sensation of the night breeze on his wet clothes. Nothing compared to the guilt that weighed on him now and his only response to that crushing pressure was to suck harder on his cigarette… 

Lucien carded his hair back and stared at the buildings of the poor neighbourhood. Old houses in decay, eaten by wild vines and other climbing plants. The wind rustled between their leaves like the whispers of ghosts. 

Only the cigarette end lit up a spot of orange in the deep and dark blue night. 

The door opened and Lucien turned to look up. 

"You may come back in." The Doctor said and the Frenchman crushed his cigarette before obliging. 

He followed the old man to the room him and Mundy had been in the first time they had quarrelled.

"I take it that you weren't the one responsible for his bruises this time?" The Doctor asked. 

"Non… I found him chained like a prisoner to a wall. He was conscious although slightly delirious, as if he was drunk, and then he passed out as we tried to flee the scene." 

"Hm, I see." 

"Will he wake up fine?" Lucien asked. 

"Yes, he will. He should wake up tomorrow with a headache on top of the pain caused by his bruises, but not much more. I gave him something that will help his body eliminate the drug."

"Merci Dieu…" Lucien whispered and sighed in relief.

[Thank God…]

"You may stay here as long as you don't bother the patient…"

Lucien looked at the Doctor with intense eyes. 

"... But I know you won't. Good night." 

"Many thanks. Good night to you too." 

The Doctor shut the door after him and Lucien looked down at Mundy's body lying down on the bed, under the duvet and wearing a white medical robe. He sat on the edge of the bed, at Mundy's side and put his hand on his forehead.

"Hm." He couldn't really see anything, the room was so dark. Lucien remembered that there was a night lamp. He groped for the switch that he soon found and flipped it. 

Lucien then devoted all his time and his attention to the Aussie. He pushed the locks of hair that were a bit too close to Mundy's face and let his fingers cup his cheek, his thumb brushing it slowly. 

"Mon Dieu… Je n'ai jamais voulu que te protéger. Ça me paraît tellement fou qu'un homme comme toi puisse être mêlé à autant de bêtise. Tu es doux, inoffensif et attentionné. Tu n'as rien à faire avec les gens comme Duchemin et moi. Nous, on est des vauriens. On force le respect à travers les vies qu'on vole. En fin de compte, Duchemin n'est pas si différent de moi."

[My God… I never wanted anything but to protect you. It seems so strange that a man like you ends up involved in all this nonsense. You are soft, inoffensive and caring. You have nothing to do with people like Duchemin and me. Him and I, we are good-for-nothings, rascals. We force people to respect us through the lives that we steal. In the end, Duchemin and I aren't so different.]

Lucien slid his fingers through Mundy's hair and brushed it lazily, feeling his silky locks flow in between his fingers. Gosh, it was so soft… 

"Demain, quand tu te réveilleras, tu m'en voudras. Tu me haïras, te me détesteras non seulement parce que tu m'aimes, mais parce que je t'ai empêché de faire ce que tu voulais."

[Tomorrow when you wake up, you will be cross with me. You will hate me and detest me not only because you love me, but because I was the one to prevent you from doing what you wanted.]

Lucien sighed. He looked around him and saw the clock striking three in the morning. He hopped off of Mundy's bed and opened the curtain that stood between his bed and the Aussie's. The Frenchman removed his vest and his shoes. He took off his socks and garters, his utility belt and he opened his shirt completely before removing it, staying only in a white tanktop. The watch was the last one to go to the table and after all that, Lucien pushed his bed next to Mundy's. When they were flush next to each other, the Frenchman lied in his bed, bringing his pillow as close as he could to Mundy's without encroaching on his personal space. 

Lucien lied on his side, staring at Mundy sleeping. 

"Si seulement j'étais quelqu'un de brave. Si j'étais quelqu'un de courageux, je te dirais que l'homme qui habite mon cœur c'est toi. Si j'avais l'espoir de vivre encore quelques années, je passerais mon temps à tes côtés sans compter les jours qui fuient. S'il y a quelqu'un à qui je pardonnerais de détruire mon coeur, c'est toi."

[If only I was brave. If I was courageous, I would tell you that the man who lives rent free in my heart is you. If I had any hope to live another few years, I would spend my time at your side, without counting the fleeting days. If there was someone whom I would forgive if they destroyed my heart, it would be you.]

Lucien's hand slid on the bed and found Mundy's. He slid his fingers through the Aussie's and brushed it slowly. 

"Mais je n'ai plus de temps à vivre, ni à aimer. Je n'ai plus rien et je ne suis plus rien, ni un espion, ni un père, ni un époux, et encore moins un homme."

[But I don't have any more time to live, or to love. I don't have anything anymore and I am nothing at all: neither a spy, nor a father, or a husband, and not even a man.]

Lucien looked up, trying to hold back the waters of his shame that he felt were burning his eyes. 

"Je ne suis rien qu'un costume sur mesure, un masque et une pile de mensonges."

[I am nothing but a tailor-made suit, a mask and a pile of lies.]

He sniffed. His nose burnt and his throat felt like it had just been punched. 

"Je ne suis pas l'homme beau que tes yeux croient voir. Je ne suis pas le chanteur sensible que tes oreilles croient entendre. Ce ne sont que des masques et des costumes. Je ne sais pas qui je suis, ni ce que je suis."

[I am not the handsome man that your eyes believe they see. I am not the sensitive singer that your ears believe they hear. They are but disguises and masks. I don't know who I am, or what I am.]

That sentence made the first tear brave enough to roll down the Frenchman's cheek. 

"Je suis une erreur, un monstre, un pantin que l'on déguise à sa guise pour aller faire le travail que personne d'autre ne peut faire, parce que personne d'autre n'est aussi inhumain… que moi."

[I am a mistake, a monster, a puppet that they disguise at their will to go and do the job that no one else can, because no one else is as inhumane… as me.]

His breath broke out of sync. That was it. He took a moment to let the waters flow and the hot sensation fill his entire face, his red eyes, his running nose, and the shame everywhere. He squeezed Mundy's hand as he cried. 

"Je suis désolé… Je ne peux pas t'aimer en retour, je ne peux t'offrir aucun bonheur et surtout pas celui que tu mérites, parce que même si je me laissais t'aimer, alors quand je mourrai, je te laisserai seul et le cœur brisé. Je sais ce que ça fait de rester vivant quand sa chère et tendre est partie pour toujours. Je sais l'enfer que c'est et je ne veux surtout pas te faire vivre ça."

[I am sorry… I cannot love you in return, I can offer you no happiness and not the one that you deserve, because even if I let myself love you, then when I die, I will leave you alone and heartbroken. I know what it feels like to stay alive when the person you love with every fibre of your body is gone. I know that it is hell to live through and I absolutely do not want to put you through any of this.]

Lucien pulled Mundy's hand and his entire forearm. He held it under his chin, like a child would their teddy bear. 

"Je t'aime trop pour te faire ça."

[I love you too much to do that to you.]

He lowered his head, stuck Mundy's hand to his chest and let himself sob while no one was there to see. In a flash, he wished Perle was there and hoped she was alright. But his mind was overwhelmed right now and as much as his vision was blurred by the tears, his mind was blurred by the guilt, the remorse, and his heart was torn apart in his ribcage as if Mundy had decided to leave him; because in essence that's what Lucien was saying. He loved the Aussie like he never loved any man before, that wasn't the issue, non. The problem was that all would soon end, somehow, and so he didn't have the time to offer Mundy what his heart burnt for. 

-- Next morning --

When Lucien opened his eyes, it took him a few seconds to remember where he was and why he was there. But seeing Mundy sleeping next to him was both the best sight in the world, and one he wished he never saw. 

While of course he loved the feeling of waking up next to the person he loved, Lucien anticipated the heartbreak it would be to leave him. 

The Frenchman sat up on the bed and rubbed his eyes as he yawned. The night had been short. But he wanted and needed to look after Mundy so going back to sleep was out of the question. 

Lucien put on his black shirt again without closing it and went to the bathroom right next to their room. He splashed water on his face and carded his hair back. The grey front tuft fell on his forehead as always. 

He came back to the bedroom and grabbed his cigarette pack and lighter. He opened the window and started smoking at the windowsill. The noises of the city woke him up with the fresh air. Cars passing by, children shouting as they played in the distance, dogs barking.

"No smokin' here, you mongrel." 

Lucien's eyes popped wide and he turned his back. Mundy had opened his eyes and was looking over to him. 

"You are awake?" 

"Nah, it's my bloody ghost speaking to you from the afterlife…"

"Don't say that." 

Lucien crushed his cigarette and closed the window. He came back on the bed that he had stuck next to Mundy's. He sat cross-legged and took Mundy's hand in both of his. 

"How do you feel?" Lucien asked. 

"Head's hurtin' like hell… What happened? Did I get Duchemin?" 

Lucien shook his head. 

"Non. He nearly killed you as a matter of fact."

"Bugger… I'll get him next time…"

"Non, Mundy." 

"What?"

"Non." Lucien repeated.

[mollymauk-teafleak]

I will love you if I never see you again (chapter three)

Look...I’m sorry. I’m just sorry. 

Huge thanks to my beta readers, @minky-for-short and @spiky-lesbian, sorry I made you both cry at work, love you

Please consider reblogging or leaving a comment on Ao3, it really makes my day! 

Chapters: 1, 2, 3

----

Juno was exhausted, down to the marrow of his bones, but sleep didn’t find him. He didn’t want it to, either.

The apartment was in almost total darkness but for the squares of streetlight that came in through the bared windows, sharp and distorted cut outs of yellow that only put the shadows in sharper relief. One fell right across the top half of Juno’s face, on his remaining eye. He could have got up and drawn the curtains at any time but he didn’t.

He didn’t want to sleep, he wanted to see.

He’d put Bianca’s moses basket on his bed, taking up the half that was really meant for another person but would always just be where he sprawled himself as he tossed and turned through any number of nightmares. He held himself very still, ready to set her down if he started to nod, frightened of pushing her off the bed in his sleep. But sleep didn’t find him.

Juno was too lost in looking at her, focused the way he would focus on his work, a problem to solve that would consume him until it became unhealthy. He couldn’t have looked away even if he’d had a mind to. He just laid awake and watched the rise and fall of her tiny chest inside her sleep suit, watched the play of muscles in her face as she dreamed and shifted in her sleep. His arm was still draped over the edge of the basket from where he’d gotten her to drift off by slowly opening and closing his fingers just above her head and letting her grab for them. Sometimes, when she moved just right, the tips of his long, scarred fingers would brush her tufts of wispy black hair or the powder soft skin of her face. And whenever that would happen, he would feel a tug in his chest he didn’t want to feel.

It was so easy to think that Nureyev had simply woven Bianca from starlight, that he’d stolen her into existence and Juno had never even been part of it. When he told himself that it was easier to breathe. He didn’t feel that numbness in the very edges of himself that signified panic setting in and taking root, that had always made him want to run and put his fists up, ever since he was a kid. It didn’t send a thousand questions running through his mind that he knew he’d never be able to pin down and solve.

It made it easier to know that this was all temporary.

If you didn’t have something, you couldn’t lose it. And Juno had lost so much already.

But whenever he felt her hair under his fingertips and that tug of a connection being pulled, he would become aware of the small part of his mind that was already doing just what he knew he couldn’t do, trying on labels to see how they fit, seeing Bianca in a way that would only cause hurt to everyone.

Which is why he didn’t want to sleep. If he wasn’t keeping a short, careful leash on his mind, who knew what could grow and spread and what it could ruin.

And he was also enjoying watching Bianca sleep.

So Juno stayed still and stayed quiet, keeping his eyes on the sleeping baby, listening to her feather light breathing. And sleep didn’t find him.

“You are in a mood today.”

Bianca answered with a miffed sounding string of nonsense sounds, waving her hands in the air.

“Yeah,” Juno nodded, “You are definitely in a mood.”

He’d ran through all the usual fixes, feeling like Rita hacking the office computer into something it was definitely never meant to be while he’d sit at his desk with his comms and forget how to work the volume again. He’d fed her, he’d changed her, she was fresh from a nap. He’d held her, cuddled her and walked around the living room so many times that he’d probably worn a groove into the floor. It seemed like she was just determined to be fussy this afternoon, squawking for some kind of entertainment but pushing away everything he offered.

He was starting to feel a lot of sympathy for anyone who’d ever had to deal with him when he was in one of his difficult moods.

“Well, there’s a dust storm warning so we can’t go to the park,” Juno drummed his fingers on his cheek as he thought, “And that’s a pretty damn powerful scowl, little lady, but I doubt it can stop a hundred kilometer per hour wind. Fifty, maybe. But not a hundred.”

Bianca made it clear what she thought of that, making a kitten-like yowling sound that Juno amused himself by mimicking back to her. She looked at him in complete and total shock for a second before scowling even harder. Juno pulled the exact same face, scrunching up his broad nose and furrowing his brow exaggeratedly. Bianca didn’t find it as funny as he did.

“Let’s see if we can find a stream for you or something,” Juno eventually sighed after she’d burst into annoyed wails, “I don’t know where the kids channel is but...maybe if I just push some buttons, I don’t know…”

He plonked her down on the sofa, propping her up so she didn’t fall over or roll away in her indignation. He picked up what Rita called his ‘dummy’s remote’ where she’d put clear labels on every single button telling him what it did, after she’d gotten exhausted of his constant questions. He flicked through channels, looking for something that looked vaguely soft and kid friendly, quickly scrambling past several screens full of bursting blood or bare skin, wondering if he should be covering her eyes. He’d never had cause to worry about the moral state of the stream network before but he was starting to see what people were complaining about.

And in the flickering flashes of colour and nonsense, clipped noise Juno suddenly saw familiarity that connected with the blunt force of a punch to the gut.

A tall, powerful woman hefting a sword as tall as she was with ease, speaking with a voice that propelled him backwards to a different time entirely. Suddenly he was sitting cross legged on the fraying, stained carpets that came standard with every house in Oldtown, eyes wide and heart full to bursting, not even hearing the shouting from the other room or feeling his brother tugging on his sleeve or knowing everything around him was falling apart, as long as the screen was still on and he could still hear that voice.

For a few blissful hours, feeling brave. Feeling strong and sure and certain and like he mattered.

Juno went to press the button again, everything too sharp and too real all of a sudden, wanting that woman and that music out of his current moment as quickly as he could. But as soon as he did, the screen changing to show some documentary about the history of dome development, Bianca shrieked in dismay.

Juno turned to look at her, seeing her waving her hands and babbling with clear upset, pedalling her little feet.

“Really?” he groaned, “There’s nothing else you’d want to watch?”

Bianca blew a long, loud raspberry. Even someone who’d only had a baby around for two weeks could see what she was trying to say.

Juno sighed heavily and flicked it back, filling the screen with Andromeda the Chainmail Warrior. Andromeda and the Sea of Sinners, if he was any judge. He knew that soundtrack anywhere, he’d hummed it so many times while scaling the sofa with a collider on his toddler curls, swinging a stick from the park with abandon.

Bianca made a cheery little hooting noise, shoving her fist in her mouth and gumming at it contentedly, happier than she’d been all day. Juno pulled a face, trying to focus on how relievingly content she was, rather than the uncomfortable tightness in his chest at half of his brain still being in his past. He tried to only hear her happy murmurs, her gasps when the screen would fill with colour, and not the long dead voices crowding in his head.

Eventually Juno reached over and cupped the back of her head. He told himself it was to support her better as he noticed her starting to curl in on herself but as soon as he wound his fingers through her airy curls, he felt his heartbeat slow down to a much more comfortable level and the air came into his lungs so much easier. The voices seemed further away, like they were almost back in the past where they belonged. Almost.

Bianca had no complaints, leaning back into his palm, dark eyes still on the screen. She was as hooked as Juno had been the first time he’d heard that voice.

He wondered if she felt brave. If she felt like she could do anything, watching Andromeda fall again and again but still manage to get back up and win with ten minutes of runtime to spare. He wondered if the music made her burst with energy too, if everything she wore would suddenly feel like chainmail, if anything she held would become a sword.

Juno knew he was being facetious. She wasn’t old enough to be thinking any of that stuff, she probably just liked the noise and colour, but it was so hard to see the attentiveness on her little face and not think of the toddler he’d been, equally as swept up in the bliss of it all.

But Juno didn’t want it to be as temporary for her as it had been for him. His joy had been so short lived, life had quickly squared up to show him how powerless he really was, how it had all been a silly daydream, how no fantasy could protect him.

He wanted Bianca to feel strong all the time. He wanted her to know she was brave and true and that nothing could harm her. He wanted it to be real for her, in the way it never had been for him. He wanted her to win.

And he knew he would do anything to make it happen.

Juno sighed softly and ran his thumb across the crown of her head. Was this what it was? To want the world to be so much better for them than it had ever been for you? To be willing to break your fingers reshaping it all for their sake?

Was it supposed to hurt? Was it supposed to terrify you?

Juno felt every single day go past. At first, it had been like carving a tally into a prison wall, just trying to survive every one.

Now he wasn’t sure. But he certainly felt it still.

He jumped at every single shadow he saw from the corner of his eye. Every time he walked back into the apartment with an armful of groceries and Bianca on his hip, his heart stayed in his throat until he could turn the light on and see an empty sofa. Any footstep he couldn’t immediately place or scrape at the door set his teeth on edge. And as the weeks turned into a month, it only got worse. Even worse that he couldn’t decide whether he was anticipating or dreading, unsure of what emotion would flood him when the sword finally fell.

Juno should have known all his paranoia would never prepare him, that Nureyev would find a way to still make it a shock.

Juno woke up with a head that felt like it was full of cotton wool, shaken from deep sleep and looking for something to hold on to. He sat up, blinking and running his hand through his matted hair, lurching towards the moses basket to check on Bianca, as was habit now.

He didn’t believe what he saw at first, thinking he was still in a nightmare. The blanket was dented, rumbled, moulded to a little body that wasn’t there. She wasn’t there.

Juno was on his feet while his brain was still gaping in horror, moving before he really knew where he was going. A raw and frantic kind of panic he hadn’t felt since the worst day of his life fired through his nerves as he surged forward, throat ready to cry her name.

And then he stopped dead, seeing the silhouette in the living room, outlined in the streetlight glare. Sharp and angular, he would know it anywhere.

Nureyev hadn’t noticed him yet, for all the crashing he’d done. Juno didn’t think he’d have noticed a sandstorm sweeping in through the window, he clearly only had eyes for Bianca. He held her to his chest, speaking softly, lips pressed to her head, clasping her like he was never going to let her go. There was so much love in it, in the way he held her and the gentleness of his tone, that for a second Juno couldn’t breathe.

He hadn’t known love like that could really exist.

He waited to see what he would feel, looking for an emotion he could name. Nothing obliged him.

“Nureyev,” he eventually murmured, scared to shatter the scene before him, like he was seeing something he wasn’t meant to.

Dark eyes turned to his, looking dangerous before he registered him and they smoothed into calm professionalism, like they were at a business meeting that just happened to take place in the middle of the night in a dark room.

“Ah, Juno. My apologies, I never meant to involve you in this but I must have lingered too long.”

Juno blinked, still unsure if he was sleeping or not, “What? You...you were just going to take her? Leave me wondering?”

Nureyev’s expression could only be described as careful, mouth falling open to show his sharp teeth, “Why, Juno, I appreciate your dedication to the favour I asked of you. I would have left a note.”

Juno swallowed hard, taking a few steps forward, “So the...the complications you were dealing with, that’s all over?”

“As if they had never been,” Nureyev answered airily, as if Juno had asked for the time, “My reputation is restored to its usual spotlessness. And so I continue on into the stars, dear detective.”

Juno felt his throat tighten, “Already? You know...you can stick around a bit. Have a drink or whatever.”

Nureyev gave him a long look from behind his neat, cat eye glasses, “I would have thought you’d want her out of your hair.” His voice sounded more clipped now, like he was watching a play go on longer than he’d like.

“Come on, Nureyev,” Juno’s voice heated, “I spent a month with her, you’re going to leave without so much as a thank you?”

“Forgive me, have I committed a faux pas? What wine do you bring to the good lady who promised you his heart then left you not an hour later, with child, and has now reluctantly done the bare minimum while you had to go bloodily clear a path back to anonymity?”

Juno flinched, patience evaporating like water on a hot stove, “Fine. You don’t have to be an ass about it.”

He turned to sulk back to his bed, heart hammering sickeningly, pulsing anger through his veins. But there was a soft, sad sigh behind him.

“Juno,” Nureyev said, voice quiet, “I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry. It’s been a long night and...and, well, I don’t think I’ve quite forgiven myself for leaving her here. But I am grateful to you.”

Juno turned back, heart straining towards that softer, kinder Nureyev he’d known who had apparently magically reappeared in his darkened living room, “You’re welcome...look, just take a damn seat, would you? You look exhausted, you can rest for an hour at least.”

Nureyev still hesitated, though he was rather outed by the bruise like shadows under his eyes and the way his hands trembled lightly, like holding himself in his usual position was exhausting him. Eventually he took a seat with an expression like he’d have preferred to put a towel down first.

Juno rolled his eyes and went to the kitchen. He’d started actually stocking it in the past few weeks, now when he opened the cupboards and reached in, he actually saw tea and cans, clean mugs and packets rather than spiderwebs, dust and maybe a rat. He picked up two teabags, accepting that he wasn’t going to be getting back to sleep tonight.

“See?” he looked over at Nureyev, clearly assembling the mugs of tea where he could see them, “Not poisoned, you can watch me.”

Nureyev tisked, most of his attention still on Bianca, “Dramatic…”

She’d nodded back to sleep, though her hand was still fastened on the front of Nureyev’s shirt like she would never let go. So gently, Nureyev removed it, pressing a soft kiss to the curled little fingers before easing her into her basket with practised ease, leaving his hands free to take the mug that Juno offered.

“No wine?” Nureyev hummed in a tone that reassured that he was joking, he was clinging to the heat of the tea like a lifeline.

“Nah,” Juno sat as far away as the sofa would allow, “Got rid of the booze after you dropped Bianca off.”

Nureyev stilled, eyes flickering to his and suddenly the distance between them felt like nothing, “I see.”

Feeling awkward, Juno looked away and cleared his throat roughly, “She’s, ah...she’s a good kid.”

“I know,” Nureyev said softly, with all the conviction of a parent, “She looks...well. Thank you, Juno, I do mean it.”

“Like you said,” Juno shrugged, “Bare minimum.”

Instantly, the air between them froze so hard and fast it was a wonder their breath wasn’t visible. Juno cringed internally, cursing himself. Why did he always have to do that? Why was the first word out of his mouth always confrontational, pushing away anyone who got close?

He tried to save himself, adding quickly, “I just mean...I had it easy. You’ve been doing it all on your own since...you know, since then.”

Nureyev sat a little straighter, clearly already building one of his walls, “Well. When I make a decision, I give it my all. There’s no sense in doing it any other way.”

Juno risked a glance over to him, “But this isn’t stealing a mask or robbing a bank or whatever. It’s raising a kid. And you just...you just decided you were going to do it?”

There was a pause, like he was deciding how much to say and how to say it. Juno realised somewhere in the middle of that pause that he had no right to any of this information and was about to take it back when Nureyev spoke, his voice soft and far away.

“I’m a selfish man, Juno. I act purely in my own interest, as you’ve observed. And the decision to keep Bianca was a selfish one, I can’t pretend otherwise. Please don’t think of me any other way.”

Juno felt his hackles rise though at what he couldn’t say, “I’ll think of you how my head tells me to think of you, Nureyev. I think you’re brave and selfless and...and everything you’ve done for Bianca is amazing. Believe me, I know shitty parents and you are not that, you are everything she deserves. She’s lucky. And if you don’t like me thinking that then...well, you’ll just have to deal with it.”

Nureyev looked at him, hands clasping and unclasping, “Detective, I have to say, you are one of the strangest and most perplexing people I have ever met on this and every other planet.”

Juno shrugged, unsure of how else to respond, still working on whether it was a compliment or not, “Well...I just don’t like to see you beating yourself up over nothing. You owe Bee Bee more than agonising over her existence.”

Nureyev’s eyes widened and he sat back, “What...what did you just call my daughter?”

Juno flushed red, “It’s what Rita calls her, shut up, it slipped out.”

Nureyev shook his head, caught between laughter, indignation and bewilderment, “My god…”

“Shut up!”

He spread his hands placatingly, “Fine...and you are right, detective. It is far too late to be second guessing myself. Whatever reasons I had for keeping her, they don’t change what I have to do now which is to make the best life I can for her.”

Juno watched his face set into determination and confidence, as he’d seen it do so many times before, the set in his shoulders and upward tilt of his chin that had told him from the very first time he’d met him that Nureyev could do anything he set his mind to. That he could will things into being, change the shape of the world with sheer conviction and hard work and a clever plan. He would do right by Bianca, Juno knew that. He could continue to be the galaxy’s most notorious thief and would do it with her in tow.

But still, he had to open his stupid mouth.

“All by yourself?”

Nureyev looked at him, really looked at him, with eyes that had seen the stars and yet had still seen him as the most beautiful thing in the universe. Juno was reminded of the night they’d had together, how he had held him and touched him and made him believe in things he’d thought only existed in stories. Moment after moment, like fireworks going off against a dark sky, and Juno had wondered if the goddess he was named for had ever received worship so complete and devoted.  

He’d made him think that hope didn’t have to be more pain than it was worth. He wanted to feel that way again.

Acting without thinking, as he’d made a habit of all his life, Juno closed the distance between him and Nureyev and kissed him. Every time before it had been the other way around but this time he kissed him.

It was a heartbeat before Peter’s hands came to rest on the side of his head and tilted him to deepen the kiss, press their mouths together more earnestly. Mirroring their first kiss but with the roles reversed, Juno pushing, Nureyev following, Juno throwing, Nureyev catching.

And he could see it so clearly. He could be Dahlia Rose or pick a new name entirely, as long as it matched with his. He didn’t have to feel the fog inside him any more, he didn’t have to feel like he was pushing a boulder up a hill only to have it roll right back over him but he had to keep going because there was no one else to push. He didn’t have to be what a whole careless, unfeeling city needed him to be. He could be what he chose, he could feel happy as a default and not as a shock. He could be part of a family, father, daughter and mother.

And that was what ruined it. That single word. That word with all it’s bitter memories and bruises that had never really healed and broken promises loomed up over him and stared him down.

And he flinched.

Nureyev felt it and drew away, seeing it written plain as day on Juno’s face. And the walls came up higher and thicker than ever though not fast enough that he missed the heartbreak in his eyes, no less painful for it’s familiarity.

He stood up and turned away, so fast it was like Juno’s skin was burning him suddenly. He pressed his fingers to his temples and bowed his head, “Why...why is it always you, every single time, of all the people in the goddamn universe, why are you the only one who can hurt me…”

Juno winced, “Peter…”

“Don’t!” he snapped, whirling round, “Don’t you dare, Juno Steel!”

Certain things were known to be true. Rain fell downwards, the Sun was the centre of the Solar System and Peter Nureyev did not cry. But there it was, his eyes glassy and shining in the light with fire and unshed tears that were moments away from spilling over. And it sent Juno reeling.

“You know something?” Nureyev stepped forward, looking like his hand could go to the knife at his thigh any moment, “I wanted to call you so many times. Even when I couldn’t leave that goddamn hotel room on Brahma, my hand itched every day to go to my comms and call you and tell you everything. When she was being born and I’d never felt so alone and I thought I was dying, I came two presses of a button from doing it. Because part of me always wondered, always hoped, if I’d told you, if I’d dialled that number burned into my brain and told you I was pregnant would it have made a difference? Would it have changed your mind? And now I know.”

Nureyev wouldn’t let his tears fall but Juno did and they burned on his cheek, “Peter, I’m sorry, but this isn’t fair, you’re angry at me for not wanting something I’m just not ready for…”

“Do you think I was ready?”

His shout filled the small space and then Bianca’s cry shattered the night, piercing and frightened and heartbreaking. Both of them went for her at the same time but Nureyev bared his teeth so fiercely that Juno recoiled instantly. He softened as soon as she was in his arms, curling around her protectively and murmuring softly to soothe her, standing.

“My treasure, it’s okay, everything is fine, I’m here now…I’m sorry, daddy’s sorry...”

Eventually her crying stopped, turning to spluttering as she buried her face against his front like just the smell of his cologne comforted her and allowed those delicate, long fingered hands to hold her. Juno felt a stab of absurd jealousy that made him hate himself even more than he currently did.

Nureyev took a deep breath as soon as Bianca was calm again, it came out as a shudder. And when he looked up, there were no more tears in his eyes.

“I wasn’t ready to be faced with the decision that fell into my lap,” he spoke coldly, like he believed in his words with all his heart because it was the only thing he could do, “But I didn’t get the luxury of pushing it away. And I made my choice, for whatever reasons. And I am living with them as best I can.”

Juno slumped on the sofa, feeling like his limbs were made of lead, “Peter…”

“You know my father, Juno, don’t you?” Nureyev bulled past his words, sensing there was nothing behind them, “You saw it all, you know everything. He was soft, he was kind, he was brave and he thought the world of me. And he was a lie. A fantasy cooked up by some two bit con artist who wanted to use me for his own gain. The father I’d hung all of my hopes and dreams and personality on was a complete fiction.”

The pain in his voice was so raw and so real, Juno was consumed with the twin urges to hold him and turn and run from him.

“But I have made him real,” there wasn’t a shake in Nureyev’s voice any more, “I have remade myself into that lie from the ground up and I have brought him to life and stepped into his skin. All for her. All for my daughter. So don’t you dare dangle false hope in front of me now and yank it away. Don’t you dare ruin everything I’ve made for her with your cowardice.”

Juno looked at Bianca, perfect and beautiful and so fragile, clutching Nureyev but looking at him with uncertainty, not liking the raised voices and the sharp words, not liking that he was crying. She could become anything she wanted to be but whatever it was, it would be amazing.

And he would see none of it.

“I think you’d better go,” he rasped, voice thick and heavy with tears.

“I agree,” Nureyev’s voice was clipped and professional again, like the outburst embarrassed him, “Goodbye, detective. Enjoy saving Hyperion City.”

He shouldered the bag of Bianca’s things he’d apparently already packed and quickly made for the door. But as he did, Bianca piped up, squawking, reaching her hands out over her daddy’s shoulder. Reaching for Juno.

Nureyev’s expression turned to ice, seeing his daughter straining to reach the man who’d broken his heart three times now. His eyes snapped to Juno to see what he would do.

Juno looked at her, swallowed hard and turned away towards his bedroom. The fog inside him had never felt so thick, thick enough to choke him, enough that you would get lost in it and never find your way out. Already he could feel his senses dulling, the inability to care settling over him like a wet blanket, like the worst kind of drenching rain.

“Bye kiddo,” he murmured, not looking back.

He heard Nureyev’s noise of satisfaction, sounding ever so slightly forced, and Bianca’s soft sound of dismay. And he heard the door shut.

He walked back to his bed and laid on his side, staring into nothing, not feeling the salt dried onto his cheek, not feeling the ache in his chest. Not feeling much of anything.

Rita would be shocked at his call the next morning, telling her sharply that they were reponening and to get herself back to the office. She would see his absent arms, the downward turn to his mouth that had returned when it was so close to disappearing forever. She wouldn’t ask where Bianca had gone, she wouldn’t ask to come over for dinner again, though it made her heart hurt so fiercely. She would nod and go sit back at her desk.

Things would return to normal, Juno back as the PI trying to do some good in a city where the word had lost all meaning, He would throw himself into cases where he’d rejected them before, just to have something to do. And he would fall into something bigger and more dangerous than he could imagine.

But that was for later. For tonight, he would lie there and recognise the raw edged hole in his heart that he couldn’t feel. And exhaustion and a desire to simply not be conscious any more would eventually claim him.

And he would dream of birdsong and soft dark hair beneath his fingertips.

[twdeadfanfic]

I ain’t sick, Pt.3

Daryl x Reader

Chapter 3/4

Summary: Daryl has gotten sick with fever, but he won’t admit it and slow down until he just can’t keep going, passing out and ending up bedridden, haunted by nightmares and trapped in deliriums about his past abuse while the reader tries to take care of him.(Or: Me indulging in how much I want to take care of Daryl, comfort him, and protect him from everything.) Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Fluff…just my kind of things. Prison era.

Inspired by a request. It’ll be updated twice a week, last chapter coming on Thursday..

If you want to read more Daryl x Reader series, mini-series, one-shots and drabbles, check my masterlist in the description of this blog.

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Hours passed with Daryl falling in and out of consciousness without you leaving his side. When he was unconscious, he muttered nonsense and whimpered, making your heart ache, and when he was awake, his eyes were still glazed and he didn’t seem to know where he was, though he seemed to recognize you when he looked at you, calming down a bit and shifting to curl up with his head on your lap. Whenever someone else came close to check on him, though, or Hershel went to give him the medicine, Daryl’d struggle and flinch away from them, and nothing you did could calm him until they left him alone.

It hurt you to see him squirming and whimpering in his delirium, mumbling nonsense, but all you could do was try to calm him down, holding him to you and stroking his hair as he laid on your lap.

You were shushing him now, fingers combing through his hair, as you heard him whimpering again. “Ain’t true…” he was mumbling, brow furrowing. “Ain’t that. No.”

“It’s okay, darling,” you whispered, trying to calm him down.

“No,” he struggled again. “I didn’t…” he opened his eyes, looking around and then at you, though he still seemed not to be really there. “Ain’t true…”

“What’s wrong?”

“Merle…says I left him…” Daryl’s hazy eyes looked around the cell as if looking for his brother. “Didn’t.”

“Of course you didn’t, love.” You caressed his face softly, trying to calm him down. “You went looking for him, did all you could.”

Daryl blinked at you, seeming dazed, and you weren’t sure as to what extent he was really listening to you. His skin was still burning to the touch, no matter the medicine, and he still seemed weak. He looked around again before snuggling to you once more.

“He did, Merle,” he muttered and rambled. “Left me. He knew what he did to me…the bastard of a dad… but left me. Didn’t care…then came back as if nothing…but he left me…left me with him…”

You knew Daryl’s father was a bad man and a worse father, but you didn’t know the whole extent of it, Daryl had never told you and you hadn’t wanted to press him. Hearing him now, it sounded as bad as you had imagined it, if not worse. You didn’t want to feed Daryl’s delirium, though, or to take advantage of it, and so you let him be without asking all the questions that your brain wanted you to ask. Soon he was falling asleep again, though he was still restless, mumbling and whispering in his sleep.

When he began to struggle and whimper so much that you couldn’t stand it without wanting to cry, you tried to wake him up without startling him more. You tried to be gentle, but still, when he woke up he sat up on the bed and looked around, breathing hard and seeming more scared than you had ever seen him, and you reached out for his hand.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay…” You tried to calm him down, your heart clenching when you noticed tears in his eyes. “It’s okay…” He blinked at you, seeming to wake up from his dream. “What’s wrong, darling?”

Daryl didn’t say anything, instead he lied down on the bed again, but this time with his head on the pillow instead of your lap and his back to you. You reached out to caress his arm and he flinched but then relaxed again, though he curled up hiding his face from you. He seemed conscious but not better, his skin still so pale, sweaty and hot, and you were scared the medicine wasn’t working. Once he was asleep again, you left him to go looking for Hershel.

As soon as Hershel tried to check on Daryl, though, Daryl began struggling again, snapping and telling him to leave him alone, and you didn’t know how much of his outburst was delirium and what wasn’t, but he didn’t stop until Hershel left, and then he curled into himself again. According to Hershel, all you could do was still keep Daryl hydrated, keep giving him the medicine, and hope for the best, waiting for the fever to lower before it was too late.

You sat down next to Daryl to look after him when Hershel left, so scared for him that it was hard not to cry, but you tried to stay hopeful and strong for him. Soon he was squirming and whimpering again, mumbling words you couldn’t understand. At some point he sat up, glazed and scared eyes looking at some point in the room as if he could see something there.

“Don’t…” he whined. “No.”

“Darling?” You reached out to stroke his hair softly. “You’re okay. I promise.”

Daryl blinked at you, then back at that spot in the cell, brow furrowing as if confused, before he lied down on the bed again, head in your lap and face snuggled to your belly as if hiding from the world, his forehead hot as fire.

“Don’t leave me…” he mumbled, and you felt like crying again.

“Never,” you assured, though you didn’t know if he was asking you or not, or if he was delirious or not. Soon, he was unconscious again.

Hours passed and when the sun began to go down, Carol came to visit, eyeing Daryl with worry. “He’s not getting better?”

“No…he’s delirious most of the time, he has this horrible dreams…” You shook your head, biting your lip as you tried not to cry. “Hershel…he said we have to lower his fever or else…but he’s not getting better…and I don’t know what to do…” You whimpered and Carol reached out to squeeze your shoulder.

“Hey, he’s strong, you know how strong he is, right?” You nodded but couldn’t help another whimper. “He’s gonna pull through this, he’s going to get better really soon.” When she brushed her knuckles over Daryl’s hot forehead, though, you could see how she frowned in worry, before she eyed you again. “Sweetheart, why don’t you go and eat something? You haven’t had anything since breakfast.”

“No, no, I don’t want to leave him…” You didn’t want him having one of his nightmares and deliriums alone and scared.

“Okay, I’ll fix you something then, you have to eat, alright?”

When Carol came back with a sandwich, though, you could barely eat it, worried sick as you were, but you forced yourself to munch and swallow, knowing that you needed to be strong for Daryl now.

“Why don’t you try and sleep?” Carol suggested and you shook your head. “Just rest a bit, I’d look after him.”

You knew Carol would do it, that she cared deeply for Daryl and she would take good care of him, but you couldn’t get yourself to move away from him.  “He doesn’t like it when someone else look after him…I’m good…”

“Okay…” Carol gave you a kind smile. “Just, maybe try and sleep for a bit, I’m sure you’ll wake up if he needs you.”

You nodded though you didn’t think you could get yourself to sleep. Carol squeezed your shoulder and with a last worried glance at Daryl, she left the cell. You actually ended up dozing off for a bit, but you woke up when Daryl began moving and mumbling again.

“No,” he was whimpering, seeming in distress. “No. Please. Don’t let him.” You hated seeing him like that, and you tried to shush him and calm him down. “Don’t. Don’t let him.”

“Daryl, it’s okay…” Gently, you shook him awake. “Just a bad dream. It’s okay.” He opened his eyes but he didn’t seem to be awake, looking around and seeming confused. When his gaze landed on you, he seemed to calm down, though you weren’t sure if he recognized you or not. “It’s okay…” You stroke his hair and Daryl blinked his bleary eyes at you before shifting closer and snuggling to you, head on your belly.

“She’s gone…” He muttered, holding to you.

“Who, darling?” You still weren’t sure about making him speak about his deliriums and dreams, but you couldn’t just leave him like that.

“Mom. She burnt.” You weren’t sure if what he was saying was true or not, you didn’t really understand much of his babbles, but hurt pierced through your heart anyway. “She left me and then Merle left me too. I’m alone and he comes for me.” You wondered if he was talking about his father now, and you wrapped an arm protectively around him. “I can’t stop it.”

“I got you, darling,” you whispered to him. “None’s coming to hurt you, none’s never gonna hurt you, I promise. I got you. You’re not alone.”

On the morning, Hershel came to check on Daryl again, and as soon as he woke up and realized it, he began to struggle again, trying to pull away from Hershel while you tried to calm him down. Hershel seemed worried, but he tried to give you hope, telling you he might get better that day, the medicine should start to kick…you had to hope so.

After Hershel, Carol came. She sat down next to you both and looked at Daryl as he tried to keep his eyes open, whether he was conscious or not, until they finally closed. Carol held his hand to Daryl’s forehead and then she looked at you.

“I know you’re worried and you want to be with him, but I think you should leave for a bit,” she suggested and you began shaking your head but before you could say anything she spoke again. “Just fifteen minutes. Grab some breakfast, go out and get some fresh air, then come back. I’ll stay with him. You need it.”

You chewed on your lower lip, unsure. You didn’t want to leave, but you were feeling tired of being on the bed, and maybe getting a bit of air could make you some good, and then you’d be back with more energy for him.

“Okay…” You reached out to brush Daryl’s hair away from his face, bending to press a kiss to his forehead before moving away and getting up. “I’ll be back in ten.”

“Take your time.” Carol nodded, giving you a kind smile.

You grabbed a cereal bar from the storeroom and then you made your way outside. You took a deep breath of fresh air and stretched your muscles. You tried taking in deep, calming breaths, trying to think positive as Carol and Hershel had told you. Everything’d be alright…everything’d be alright…

“Y/N?!” You had been out there for barely more than five minutes when Carol called for you urgently from the door, and you forgot all positive thinking, worry taking hold of you again. “Y/N, he woke up…well, not really, he’s delirious and he thought his brother was in there and then walkers… I couldn’t calm him down, he didn’t want me close…” That was what you rushed to Carol. She seemed in distress and so you took a second to squeeze her arm before rushing back to your cell.

As you approached, you noticed the door of the cell wide open. “I left that closed…” Carol murmured and dread filled you. You run into the cell only to find the bed empty and Daryl gone. You started to feel like it was hard to breathe, and Carol reached for you to try and calm you. “Y/N, Y/N, come on, this is a prison, he can’t be far. We’ll find him…”

You could only see Daryl passed out somewhere, but you nodded, trying to get a grip on yourself again. Carol went looking for him inside the cellblock and you went outside, back to the yard, and made your way to the watchtower.

“Glenn!” You yelled until he got out and looked at you from up there. “Have you seen Daryl out here?!”

“No, but I’ve been scanning the treeline out there!”

“Okay…just…yell something if you spot him!”

You kept looking for him until you heard the sound of one of the fences being rattled but it sounded different than when walkers did it…maybe Daryl was there, maybe they were seeing him and pushing the fence to try and get to him. You rushed to the sound but you stopped, frozen in place, your heart jumping to your throat when you saw Daryl trying to open the fence that separated him from the group of walkers.

“Daryl!” You ran to him, tugging him away from the door that he’d managed to open, but he struggled out of your grasp. You pushed back the walkers that were almost walking out of the door and then tugged at Daryl again to push him away when once again he tried to go for the walkers. Grabbing your knife, you put down a couple of the walkers that were getting out of the door and reaching out for both of you, and then you gave another hard push to the ones too close before managing to shut the door close, feeling so scared and overwhelmed that you could cry.

Daryl was stumbling to the fence again, holding his knife with a shaky hand, his other one reaching out for the door again, but you stopped in front of him, planting your hands on his chest and walking him backward. “What the hell are you doing?!” You couldn’t help but yell at him at that moment.

Daryl looked from the walkers to you, as if seeing you for the first time, his eyes clouded, and then back at the walkers. “They…they’re gonna kill him and…and kill them…the others…I…” He babbled, seeming confused.

“They’ll do it if you open the door, and they’ll kill you first!” You snapped, feeling tears in your eyes, and you took a deep breath, trying to calm down and not yell or snap and Daryl when he was so ill.

“But…but…they were…I…just…” He was frowning at the walkers as if suddenly something wasn’t making sense to him.

“They can’t go to our cellblock and yard, they’re locked in there,” you tried to explain calmly, you guessed all this might have something to do with one of Daryl’s delirious dreams. “It’s okay. They’re trapped. Everyone’s safe.”

“But…” Daryl still seemed confused, looking from the walkers to you.

You spotted Glenn running to you both, followed by Carol, but you reached out your hand to indicate them to stop, you didn’t want Daryl freaking out again.

“We’re safe. Walkers can’t get out the fence. Okay?” You keep trying to calm Daryl down. He seemed lost but then he nodded, taking the hand that you offered. You walked him back to the cellblock while he kept looking back at the walkers behind the fence, still seeming a bit confused, and then he blinked at Carol and Glenn as you walked past them, his frown just deepening.

Once inside your cell, you made him lie down on the unmade bed and you sat down next to him as he curled up with the sheets and pillow. “You thought they were getting in here, darling?” You guessed he’d seen something like that in his sleep, scaring him. “That’s not going to happen, promise.” You stroked his hair and Daryl blinked his glazed eyes at you in silence before they closed and he fell back into an uneasy sleep. His forehead was still hot and you went to take the medicine Hershel had given you, and also some more water and a bowl of stew, but you made sure to lock the cell behind you now.

Carol rushed to you as soon as she saw you out of the cell. “Y/N, I’m so sorry, I didn’t think…I didn’t think he’d leave, I didn’t think he’d get up like that, he was struggling and mumbling things, but I didn’t think…I’m so sorry…”

“I know, I know…I didn’t think it either. It’s okay.”

“Yeah…yeah, but he almost…” Carol shook her head, her eyes watering, and you reached out to take her hand. “He’s not getting better…I thought…I…”

“Hey, hey come on now…” You gave her a weak smile, trying not to cry yourself. “You told me to have hope and just wait, that he was going to get better, yeah?” Carol nodded, swallowing hard. You needed her to keep being strong so you could look at her and feel hopeful, if she wasn’t, then you didn’t know if you could keep being positive.

“Yeah…yeah, you’re right.” A tear fell down her cheek, but she smiled. “Now come on, go and try to nurse that stubborn man back to health.” You couldn’t help your sad chuckle at that, nodding and turning back to your cell.

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We got some delirious Daryl :( What did you thought? If you liked this, please drop me a comment and let me know your thoughts. Excuse my English, is not my first language.

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[doritopaw101]

Arc1, book 1: Chapter 10

Icepaw reached the end of the ravine and looked down at the camp. He was panting and his paws slippery with dew. He sniffed the air hoping he was alone but something different had caught his nostrils: Blood and lots of it. Icepaw stopped being quiet and burst into the camp and what he found made his stomach twist in horror.

His clanmates laid bleeding and battered on the ground. The stench of Shadow Colony still fresh around them.

"I..Icepaw?" he whipped his head to see Gingerpaw laying on his side, blood seeping from his shoulder and belly. He saw Chestnutpaw was beside him and not in any better condition. Icepaw raced over to the older toms, he cared about Gingerpaw and while he and Chestnutpaw didn't get along but he wouldn't wish death on him.

"What happened?" he asked, even though he could piece it together himself he wanted to hear it from someone else

"Shadow Colony attacked as a little while after you guys left for the gathering" Gingerpaw rasped "It was out of nowhere since we didn't think it would happen during a gathering night, We've been waiting for Spottedleaf and Featherwhisker to return"

"It came out of no where" Rootpaw exclaimed from the side, both his ears bleeding

Icepaw was silent trying to process all of this before he returned to the reason he raced back here in the first place. "I'll be right back you two" he didn't wait for their response as he dashed to where Yellowfang was kept.

"Yellowfang" he hissed urgently "Yellowfang wake up It's important and your life may be on the line"

Yellowfang's two yellow eyes opened "I wasn't sleeping after the ambush that happened earlier" they stood up slowly "So he's kept his promise"

Icepaw was confused "What promise?"

"Brokenmoon promised me when he banished me that he would drive me out of every clan territory" Yellowfang said dryly "What did he say about me Icepaw?"

"He warned us that our kits were in danger as long as we sheltered the Shadow Colony rouge some cats suspect it's you, you need to leave now before the rest of the clans comes"

"They actually believed Brokenmoon!" Yellowfang hissed, their tail swishing urgently

"Yes, Darkstripe says your dangerous, others say your dangerous and with Tiger-roar and Nightshade on your tail..I don't know what'll happen but I fear the worse"

Icepaw could hear furious yowls of cats but he could tell it was silence by what the camp looked like currently.

"Do you think I would harm kits Icepaw?" Yellowfang asked

"No never" Icepaw said without hesitation he could hear hisses and growls get louder "Go!" Icepaw urged

Yellowfang remained where they were and stared at him "Icepaw, you believe I'm innocent, and I'm grateful for that. If you believe me, then others might as well. I know Bluestar she'll be fair, I can't run anymore Icepaw I'm old, I will face whatever Thunderclan has for me"

"But Tiger-roar and Nightshade-"

"They're headstrong but even they will obey Bluestar" Yellowfang sighed and sat down on theyr bony haunches "Go away Icepaw now, don't get yourself in trouble for my sake"

Icepaw hoped Yellowfang was right. He has gotten way to attached to Yellowfang to watch them be killed for something that wasn't true. He touched his nose toy heir patchy fur, then crept silently away back to where he found Gingerpaw and Chestnutpaw.

"Stay awake will you?"

Chestnutpaw growled as a response

Though the gorse, Bluestar with Thrushpelt at her side with Frostbite and Goldenflower behind them. Goldenflower and Frostbite raced away from the troop immediately and ran towards the nursery. Tiger-roar and Nightshade strode into the clearing, shoulder to shoulder looking grim. Miststrike and Nettlepaw limped over to them.

Icepaw spotted Ravenpaw and Cherrypaw trot over to him, he didn't look at them and stared at Gingerpaw and Chestnutpaw making sure they were still alive and awake.

"You went to warn Yellowfang, didn't you?" Ravenpaw whispered sitting next to Icepaw while Cherrypaw crouched near their littermate.

"Yes, I did" Icepaw admitted "But they wouldn't leave. They trust Bluestar to treat them fairly. Did anyone notice I was gone?"

"Only us" Ravenpaw watching Gingerpaw's breathing while Cherrypaw groomed Chestnutpaw.

"Thank the stars" Spurcepaw appeared at his left side "If Nightshade or Burrclaw saw you..."

"Don't remind me" he cut in

Around the camp, Spottedleaf and Featherwhisker were seeing to everyone as much as they could. "What happened at the gathering?" Birchstep called

"Anything worse?" Cranepaw whimpered, her left back paw looked broken

"Brokenmoon has demanded hunting rights for Shadow Colony in our territory that's what happened" Fogtail snarled loudly

"And he warned us about a rouge cat who will harm our kits, it must be Yellowfang" Mousefur added

Meows of fury and distress rose from the crowd

"Silence!" Bluestar ordered as she leaped onto the highrock

"Cricket's dead' Featherstone screeched, tears running down his face

Cats stared as he dragged the fallen deputy's body, stained with her own blood.

"Bluestar-" his leader cut Leopardfoot off

"The new deputy will be Rosetail" her blue eyes cold as ice

A loud screech made every cat turn their heads toward the fallen tree where the elders slept. Tiger-roar and Darkstripe dragged Yellowfang roughly from their nest. They shrieked with fury as they hauled them into the clearing and dumped them in front of the highrock.

This made Icepaw want to run over to defend the old molly he grew fond of but Spurcepaw seemed to sense his intentions and pulled him into her chest fur with her paw. "Don't you dare" she hissed in his ear "Let Bluestar handle it" Icepaw whimpered for Yellowfang's sake but said nothing and watched.

"Bluestar is fair most of the time, don't you dare" Spurcepaw whispered

"What is this?" Bluestar demanded "I gave no word to attack our prisoner"

Goldenflower appeared from the nursery "We got back in time the kits are safe"

"Of course they are" Bluestar snapped, rolling her blue eyes

"But you are going to kick Yellowfang out, right?" Mousefur mewed, her amber eyes wide

"Kick her out, we should rid ourselves of them right now" Darkstripe spat, unsheathing his claws

Bluestar's cold blue gaze rested on Darkstripe and the tabby seemed to shiver lightly under the leader's gaze "And what have they done to deserve such a sentence?" her tone icy calm that made many cats crouch lowly.

"You were there Bluestar, you heard what Brokenmoon-" Darkstripe tried but Bluestar cut right into him with no difficulty.

"Taking Brokenmoon's words seriously means you have bees in your brain especially after he attacked our camp during the night of the gathering and killed Cricket-throat, we heed his words with a mouthful of feathers, if it was Yellowfang he would have said so by their name and skip being vague since he didn't mention them by name they will not be harmed in any way, if anyone so much as lays a claw on them a temporary banishment will ensue, am I understood?" she was addressing the whole clan not just Darkstripe.

Icepaw could see how she was made leader with her confident and no nonsense attitude.

Bluestar took their silence as a response, Icepaw sighed in relief relaxing in Spurcepaw's grip as the bigger apprentice chuckled softly in his fur "Soft"

Yellowfang looked up at Bluestar and their eyes narrowed respectfully "I'll leave now if you wish Bluestar"

"There will be no need" Bluestar mewed "You have done nothing wrong Yellowfang, you will be safe here" she lifted her gaze to the crowd "It's time we addressed the real threat to our clan: Brokenmoon" she began "Shadow Colony has attacked us and has threaten for more bloodshed, Wind Colony is gone. River Colony has become spineless. Thunder Colony stands alone against Shadow Colony"

A murmur of defiance rippled through the cats.

"Colonies have never shared hunting rights before and we won't start now, we will rebuild the camp and keep our eyes and ears open for any future attacks, we need to be at our peak of strength if we are to attack Shadow Colony on their own land, we need to ready Cricket-throat for her burial. colony dismissed, Rosetail meet me in my den" Bluestar declared and without another word, she turned and strode into her den with Rosetail in tow.

/

Icepaw blinked slowly as he woke. Ravenpaw sleeping soundly into his chest fur, looking much calmer than him being awake. The den was peaceful for the moment.

Sandpaw was curled up with Dustpaw and Chestnutpaw, Cherrypaw was by herself, Cranepaw and Graypaw were huddled together, Sprucepaw, Rootpaw, and Gingerpaw were suprisingly closer to him and Ravenpaw and Nettlepaw and Emberpaw was no where in sight.

"They're in the nursery" Rootpaw answered his unspoken question "Always loved being there even after they were apprenticed" he yawned and his earring flicked back and forth

"I can see why" Icepaw replied "The nursery is lovely"

"Since when?" Spurcepaw shot up "Frostbite and Mossthorn are harsh tongued cat and don't get me started on Speckletail's dirt"

"Frostbite and Mossthorn love Icepaw" Sprucepaw purred "I heard Frostbite groomed him"

"Seriously?" Gingerpaw said

Icepaw chuckled "She fixed my head hair for me"

"Why does she like you first thing and hiss at me?" Gingerpaw whined

"You did step on her tail" Sprucepaw explained

"It was an accident" Gingerpaw retorted "I thought Mossthorn holds grudges"

"Can't I get a moment of sleep?" Ravenpaw snapped

"Woah, Raven has claws" Gingerpaw purred to which Ravenpaw swiped at Gingerpaw's muzzle

"Or he's just cranky" Emberpaw said as she padded "I would be"

Icepaw lazily groomed Ravenpaw's ears "Relax Raven" he whispered in his ear

Ravenpaw grumbled something but laid back in his nest.

"Hey Icepaw, what to join me in the nursery?" Emberpaw asked

He glanced at Ravenpaw who waved him off "Sure, I told Dot I'll teach her some River songs anyway"

He quickly followed Emberpaw out of the apprentice den and across camp to the nursery. He could hear soft mews as he entered the calming den.

"Icey" Dot quickly rushed over to him "You came!"

"Of course, I promised" he purred

"Come on, you and Swanlight tell bout the songs" Dot nudged over to where Aspenbreeze, Swanlight, and Frostbite lay. Honey and Branch were sitting there eagerly along with Lichen and Bracken.

Swanlight chuckled "Alright Alright, this one is the one my father taught me and Splashsong as kits"

She started with a few lyrics and the kits followed along well, it turned into giggles and cheerful mews as it progressed.

"Shame" Speckletail sighed "Cricket-throat was a good deputy no matter how short"

"True but it's better someone like Rosetail is deputy" Goldenflower replied, grooming a squirming Claw "We don't need more close-minded cats"

Speckletail glanced at her daughter "Close-minded?"

"Cats that don't glare at Ice every five seconds" Frostbite answered, pulling Icepaw close making Dot move closer as well.

Speckletail scoffed at Frostbite's words

"She's not wrong" Willowpelt said "Rosetail is a better choice than Cricket-throat"

"Elaborate"

"What's going on?" Dot whispered

"Clan politics" Icepaw replied in the same tone, he started grooming Dot's ears

"Is that bad?" Branch asked

"Depends"

"I believe you're just saying that because Rosetail was your mentor" Speckletail stated

"I'm not so biased Speckletail" Willowpelt retorted "Unlike Cricket-throat, Rosetail isn't against the idea of outsiders and the idea of peace between the colonies"

"That's only because you're a filth blood Ambershine and Torndust took pity on and you decided to muddy your blood more when you mated with Archeye" Speckletail snapped "Rosetail as well when Poppydawn and Windflight took pity on her"

"That's enough" Brindleface hissed

"Don't start with me kit" Speckletail warned "You're no better when Lighthawk took pity to raise you and Robinwing took pity on Frostbite when she didn't ditch her right away"

"So I was supposed to die?" Frostbite hissed "Fuzzypelt love me, that shrew ditched me anyway"

"Enough!" Goldenflower snarled "Talk about something else" she turned her head to Speckletail "Mother, me you outside, now"

/

"Faster Graypaw" Lionheart growled, his golden tail lashing.

"Icepaw stop with the full offense" Tiger-roar snapped, his dual-colored eyes focused.

Another day of intense training, it felt good to know how to easily beat someone. Lionheart seemed in a bind of wanting Graypaw away from him and wanting him stronger than him which good luck with that. Graypaw would grow into his size more but Scourge taught him something very important: size means nothing.

The clan was still distrustful of Yellowfang and it seemed to bounce to him. The harassment from the others had gotten worse and the older cats didn't say it but he knew they were thinking it.

Sandpaw, Dustpaw, and Chestnutpaw in particular were little shits.

Sandpaw was the favorite apprentice it was very obvious, her mentor was the leader of the clan and her ego seemed large it was shocking her head didn't explode. She liked to pull these fucks with his mind. He thought he knew all the tricks from dealing with his sisters but nope.

Dustpaw was just as annoying with his stupid and obvious crush on Sandpaw. How he treated Ravenpaw and basically ignored his existence. It was shocking that someone as kind as Redtail was his mentor well was til Redtail became pregnant and unfortunately ran his time out of staying out of the nursery with how plump he was. Darkstripe is Dustpaw's mentor and honestly seemed very in sync which wasn't surprising.

Chestnutpaw was a whole other level of big ego and little shit. Thought strength meant everything and can't see why someone would want any less. It was clear Nettlepaw and Ravenpaw were punching bags in his view. His mentor had been resigned to Spottedwing.

Cranepaw seemed to be following their lead. Bitch tried putting a thorn in his nest on Chestnutpaw's dare. He spat it at her and laughed when it got stuck in her nose. He wasn't sorry at all. Miststrike did apologize to him and made Cranepaw apologize as well.

Graypaw was terrified of him, as he should. Lionheart doesn't help with that matter.

Cherrypaw was an interesting case, she was so chill it was frighting. Her mentor was not at all neither was her family aside from Rosetail. He could talk shit and she'll just add her own bit.

Nettlepaw was a respectable and kind-hearted soul. It was shocking he didn't crack by now from the torment. He's mentored had been resigned to Dappletail, good choice on Bluestar's part.

Gingerpaw was a wild card, a whole spitfire package. Rosetail and him blended very well. He wondered who'd take over since Rosetail's expecting.

Spurcepaw was rude and harsh but she seemed different towards him and he was not about to get on her bad side with Burrclaw as her mentor.

Emberpaw was one was well and Mousefur was just the cat to encourage and tame it at the same time.

Ravenpaw was nervous and scared of alot of things but he was greater than cats gave him credit for. At least Leopardstorm has been trying to giving him confidence.

He was fighting with Graypaw and winning. He slammed the gray kitten into the ground, trapping him.

"Icepaw wins" Tiger-roar mewed, he licked his paw "3 out 5 dear Lion?" he opened expecting a reaction

Leopardstorm stopped Lionheart from going off. "How about all the apprentices spilt in pairs"

"Hunting dear nephew?" Rosetail asked, steading herself as her belly swayed

"Yep, the prey pile needs to be filled" Leopardstorm was not so subtly shoving Lionheart away from Icepaw "All of you go around the territory and hunt, when you hear my yowl come back"

"How'll we hear you?" Dustpaw asked, ears twitching

"You'll hear me don't worry"

"Better drink some water before that" Nightshade hummed

"The pairs are: Gingerpaw and Ravenpaw, Nettlepaw and Cranepaw, Graypaw and Dustpaw, Emberpaw and Chestnutpaw, and Icepaw and Sandpaw"

Cherrypaw flicked her tail "Can I go hunting by myself? Nightshade ma'am, I love ya but you're a better fighter than hunter for a reason"

Nightshade narrowed her eyes, her golden tooth flashed "Whatever brat"

"Same here" Spurcepaw said

"I agree" Burrclaw replied

"Get to it" Dappletail mewed

Sandpaw headed to snakerocks and Icepaw followed. They were even in fighting at the moment but Sandpaw was the better hunter at least in this weather.

He finally managed to nick a vole when Sandpaw asked "You're actually friends with them?"

Icepaw nearly dropped his vole "Who do you mean by them Sandpaw?"

Sandpaw snorted "Scaredlypaw for starters"

"He's name is Ravenpaw"

"Doubtful, Robinwing made a terrible choice but then again she chose Fuzzypelt as a mate so..."

Icepaw didn't know whether he should fight Sandpaw or just hiss "Robinwing is a cold-hearted shrew who only cares about herself"

"At least she's useful to the clan, unlike Ravenpaw"

Icepaw unsheathed his claws "I'd think you'd make fun of Nettlepaw with those words"

"The nursery is important" Sandpaw shrugged "At least he can fight somewhat well, he didn't get his parents body types for nothing, I suppose I could say the same for you"

"Wha?"

"You're close with Dot and Cinder" Sandpaw stated "Listen kitty" she mewed "Thunder Colony is about strength and skill Emberpaw told you that did she not?"

"She did, her and Redtail explained"

"Ravenpaw doesn't fit that, he's a bumbling mouse-brain is what he is, he was scared of his own shadow as a kit. Honestly it's surprising he made it this long"

"Same way you do it: by living"

"Only the strong survive in this clan and only they make it to the top like Bluestar" White's words rang in his head, he still didn't like it.

"The strongest are the ones that aren't afraid to be weak and don't have an ego like you"

"They aren't twoleg pets like you" she snapped back

Icepaw had no regrets when he flung himself at her.

/

"It was a disaster waiting to happen"

"Oh I knew that before you came here when Leopardstorm decided it was a good idea to pair you and my niece together" Spottedleaf mewed finishing his wrap. She pulled her kits close with her tail. Healthy as can be, a two mollies named Flower and Deer. "I hope Redtail's new litter can get along with you"

"Not my fault Sandpaw's got an ego the size of the camp"

"It's bigger than that Icy boy" Thymepaw purred "I know my sister"

"How are you two related to her?" he mewed "I'm so sorry for you"

"All cats old enough gather around for a clan meeting" Bluestar yowled

"Oh the older kits finally being apprenticed?" Icepaw mewed

"I sure hope so, the nursery's very crowed with Patchpelt's kits getting bigger and bigger" The black and white kitten had been named Littlekit after Littlestep and the black kitten with white spotting had been named Sleetkit. Featherstone and Spottedwing's new kit had been named Smokykit.

"My dear granddaughter you've currently caused Mousefur some grief" Bluestar mewed making Emberpaw duck her head and Mousefur chuckle "Mousefur, do you believe your apprentice is ready for her warrior name?"

'Warrior name?' Icepaw was shocked 'well she deserves it more than Sandpaw that's for sure'

"I do" Mousefur mewed proudly "Fought me with skill and never backed down"

"Emberpaw, do you promise to uphold the warrior code and defend your clan even at the cost of your own life?"

"I do Bluestar" Emberpaw mewed

"Then by the power of Starclan I give your warrior name, from this moment on your shall be known as Embereyes, your colony thanks you for your keen sight and kind nature"

"Embereyes Embereyes" The crowd of cats cheered

'Wonder if the colony will cheer like this for my warrior name' Icepaw thought 'No if anything Bluestar will force them to cheer'

"Lark, Pale, and Seed, you've reached your six moon and are ready to be apprenticed. Lark until you receive your warrior name you shall be called Larkpaw, Robinwing, you will mentor Larkpaw. Pale until you receive your warrior name you shall be called Palepaw, Mossthorn you will mentor Palepaw. Seedkit until you receive your warrior name you shall be called Seedpaw, Goldenflower you will mentor Seedpaw"

The new apprentices ran over to their new mentors, touching noses in an instant. "Larkpaw Palepaw Seedpaw"

"Honey, Branch, and Dot" Bluestar mewed "You're also ready for your apprentice ceremony. Honey until you receive your warrior name you shall be called Honeypaw, Speckletail, you will mentor Honeypaw. Branch until you receive your warrior name you shall be called Branchpaw, Tawnywhisker you will mentor Branchpaw. Dot until you receive your warrior name you shall be called Dotpaw, Flowerdusk you will mentor Dotpaw

"Meeting dismissed" Bluestar finished

"Icepaw come" Tiger-roar mewed, padding over, the tabby looked tired and not really with it.

"Why?"

"We're going to patrol around Sunningrocks" the tabby added

Icepaw sighed "Who with?"

"Speckletail, Honeypaw, Miststrike, Darkstripe, Cranepaw, Dustpaw, Sweetheart, and Rosetail's leading the patrol" Tiger-roar answered

Icepaw nodded and followed his mentor and the patrol out of camp. He didn't know how to feel about going near Sunningrocks, River Colony hasn't really been hostile since Swanlight has been with them but with Shadow Colony hunting in the river, who knows.

They walked along the path, when they reached the riverbank Sweetheart and Cranepaw stopped for a quick drink. As the walked along Rosetail and Tiger-roar were marking the border. When they got to Sunningrocks, no River Colony cats were there, even their scent was faint.

"Did Shadow Colony drive them from here?" Cranepaw asked, sniffing around.

"Robinwing's patrol didn't scent them and it's too far for Shadow Colony to be here" Rosetail replied

"Well if the fish-faces isn't going to use it might as well take it" Dustpaw sneered leaping onto one of the rocks.

"He has good sense" Darkstripe purred as he started marking the rocks

"Sister?" Sweetheart asked

Rosetail looked displeased "Just because River Colony hasn't marked doesn't mean they won't be around soon to mark it now"

"But we could take it back" Darkstripe mewed

"Bluestar told me not to do anything yet, when we need it she'll say so, everything has its time and place and besides" Rosetail replied "Good things happen to those who wait"

"You sound like Bluestar" Cranepaw called

"All cold and serious like" Honeypaw added

"I need to, she may be harsh but her decisions have sense in their own crazy way."

"Reminds me of that attack she lead on Shadow Colony when they tried to attack us during leaf-bare" Sweetheart mewed

"And she was still deputy" Miststrike added "Gave Foxheart a good beat down"

"Sunstar wasn't foolish it seems" Speckletail muttered

"We'll drink water, no marking the rocks" Sweetheart stated

They all began drinking, it was cooling.

"Can we start hunting?" Cranepaw asked, tail flicking in excitement.

"Of course" Sweetheart agreed

"Nic-" Cranepaw was cut off when a cat tackled her. It was Otterpaw, he had her in a tight grip with his paws and teeth.

"Hey, what are you doing!" Dustpaw hissed

"Thunder Colony" Icepaw turned his head to see a River patrol, lead by Blackclaw. He recognized everyone on the patrol: Mosspaw, Minnowpaw, Beetlestrike, Frogleap. "How dare you come here" he hissed

"We are only drinking water" Sweetheart mewed

"In our river" Beetlestrike sneered

"You don't own the river" Tiger-roar growled "We are allowed to drink when we damn well please"

"Excuse me?" Beetlestrike hissed

"Sister, should we fight you are expecting after all" Sweetheart asked

Rosetail only lashed her ginger tail and her claws flexed, clearly in thought.

"You guys are just sour that Shadow Colony is fishing in your precious river and just spitting at us for compensation" Icepaw sneered being quite annoyed at this rate

That seemed to be the line of Blackclaw's apparently fragile ego because he yowled "Attack!"

The patrol was shocked, they weren't expecting a fight over a few words. Rosetail snapped out of it "Don't hold back Thunder Colony"

Icepaw and Dustpaw went for Otterpaw. Icepaw leaped onto his back and Dustpaw went for the heavy tom's face. "Cranepaw, go now!" he hissed

The pale gray molly got free from Otterpaw's hold and kicked him in the jaw as she did so. Icepaw wondered if this battle would last as long as the Shadow Colony attack, he didn't have to wait long for his answer. He turned his head to see Blackclaw and Sweetheart wresting near the edge, Blackclaw slipped and dragged Sweetheart down with him. The sound of cracking bone rang though the area.

Rosetail got away from Beetlestrike and rushed over to where Sweetheart had dropped into "Sweetheart no!" she yowled

Icepw rushed over and saw what she meant. Sweetheart was dead, her head had been bashed against the rocks. Icepaw narrowed his eyes to see blood dripping from her head and he even saw some brain matter.

Rosetail glared at Blackclaw as he got up, she slashed the black tom's cheek "You attacked us for no reason and killed my sister, a queen you won't get away with this, you can be damn sure of that"

That didn't seem to make Blackclaw worry "Sure" he turned away "Let's go"

Icepaw walked over and began helping Rosetail carrying Sweetheart's body.

"Shouldn't we bury her here?" he asked

"Why would we do such a thing pet" Darkstripe hissed, his right ear bleeding.

"Her head is bashed in, blood dripping and you can see her brain, I don't know if some of the clan is prepared to see that" he retorted

"You speak sense Icepaw" Tiger-roar mewed making Darkstripe's jaw drop "Rosetail stay and some of the others go ahead and tell the clan what happen, me, Icepaw and Dustpaw will stay and begin burying her"

Rosetail nodded "Sweetheart would want that"

"Bluestar isn't going to be happy with this mom" Dustpaw mewed "She knows how to hold a grudge"

Rosetail looked away, a smirk on her face and her yellow eyes gleaming with vengeance "I know Dust, that's what I'm counting on"

[insertdisc5]

homestuck epilogues stuff

thoughts about the homestuck epilogues, as in, spoilers and theories and things ive noticed by reading it over twice and talking with friend @kravicle while they were reading

this is just a list of theories me and krav came up with ok. also stuff u might not pick up in only one read? we’re just spitballing here 

MEAT AND CANDY TEREZI ARE PROBABLY ONE AND THE SAME

> just didnt see proof they weren't the same lmao, we only get john+terezi's messages from both timelines and she could have gotten messages from both meat!john and candy!john

>time is fucked on her end also so (shrugs)

>(terezi meeting meat!john) "something else is different about him. different, somehow, from how she thought he’d be when she imagined they’d next meet. under all the gore, he smells... too fresh."

>TEREZI: HMMM

TEREZI: YOU SM3LL OLD3R

TEREZI: BUT NOT 4S OLD 4S 1 THOUGHT YOUD B3

JOHN: what does that mean?

TEREZI: DONT WORRY 4BOUT 1T

>"In multiple realities, all [John] wanted for her was this. To be home safe, with all their friends. And now that she’s here, she’s lost."

> (meeting Meat!roxy) "Terezi’s head is filled with stories about a different version of Roxy—the polar opposite of the one standing in front of her."

DIRK’S PLAN PART 1 (free will)

>maybe plans to get Actual Free Will thru ultimate godhood??? also explains why he feels okay with removing free will from his friends- for him, this isnt real free will anyway?

>(dirk talking about kanaya) "What WAS she thinking? What are any of us thinking, really? Who’s doing the thinking, and who’s having the thoughts?

The more you study the question, the more it seems all concrete forms of accountability go up in smoke. Her original thoughts were never that important, and the significance of the idea that she was the one authoring them was always a bit overrated. My mission is to someday clear this all up for everyone. Remove the ambiguity, suck the mud out of the water. It’ll be a lot better that way, trust me."

>to old callie, dirk's plan "[john’s] ultimate sacrifice was made to put the missing keystone in place and avert the supreme dissipation of all that shall be considered to hold truth, relevance, and essentiality."

>although narrator callie thinks this world has some sort of actual free will. says "[john should kiss terezi etc]. it’s wrong to contradict one’s true thoughts and feelings. irrational. unbecoming of an existence governed by free will."

>his plan to give everyone/ultimate gods “free will” will end up destroying canon????

DIRK’S PLAN PART 2 (complacency of the learned, ultimate self)

>complacency of the learned, 12 people attaining ultimate knowledge (=ultimate self), and turning "either insane or evil"

> (candy ending, rose’s POV) "The thoughts in her powerful brain race. What will they name the planet? How long will it take for the ship to arrive? Once the new race has established an advanced enough civilization thousands of years from now, who will the lucky kids be? The ones who get the chance to play what will arguably be the most important session in the history of Sburb?" 

>finding more people to attain ultimate godhood???

>dirk asks terezi to come with him and rose at the end of meat, along with john's body (implied that she did accept-callie!jade points and dave thinks she points both to dirk+rose and john+terezi, callie doesnt prove him otherwise)

>dirk wants 12 ultimate gods for each aspect????

>"If your perception expands beyond the meat sack of your body, then are you really an individual anymore? Why shouldn’t we become gods? Why shouldn’t we become one God."

- (callie speaking) "[John] is simply being barred from ignoring his true thoughts. even without the aid of a juju, he is fortunate enough to be blessed with the only true form of divinity. to be released from the prison of nonsensical inhibitions which so often psychologically hobble the more primitive forms of life."

>callie is probably an ultimate god, terezi should be?? with rem8mb8r?

DIRK’S NARRATOR STUFF

>dirk probably doesnt know hes in a story/that he has an audience (us) "How can I respect a fucking pronoun when nobody can even hear me?”

>does dirk control people by using you-ness? using 2nd person to control, 3rd person to narrate?

>”JADE: and where there is an identity, there can also be an agenda.”

CANDY TIMELINE STUFF

>part of the black hole, a utopia, place removed from reality/canon in some way??? WEIRDO DREAM BUBBLE????

>cut off from canon in some way- dirk and rose cant get to ultimate godhood anymore, john cant use retcon powers

>candy!john mentions multiple times he doesnt think of him and his friends as "real"

>sky in candy!timeline described as more vibrant (VS pre-sburb being described as muted)

>candy!karkat talking to sollux and probably being foreshadowing without knowing: “KARKAT: I THOUGHT THAT YOU TWO LITERALLY DIDN’T EXIST ANYMORE! KARKAT: OR AT THE VERY LEAST WERE TRAPPED IN A DEAD UNIVERSE PERPETUALLY COLLAPSING INTO ITS OWN ASSHOLE.”

>CALLIOPE: we’re all going to be very, very happy. I trUly believe that. ^u^ 

>ROSE: Oh Kanaya, you’re right.

ROSE: We are going to be so astonishingly happy!

>ROXY: omg

ROXY: were gonna be SO freakin happy!

>Dirk in Meat: "Cherubs are fuckin’ weird, I’ll totally concede. Still not sure what makes them tick. What they idealize, what they really want. It all comes across to me as a little cloying. Perfection to them is a sweetness beyond comprehension. Sugar so potent it’s poison to us. To our bodies, to our souls. Like the place she was operating from was a realm of self-construction. A bubble of pure, phantasmal confection."

>end of meat!callie can see into candy!timeline ROXY: they stay home all day with the blinds drawn paintin some weird ass shit on the walls

TEREZI: WH4T?

ROXY: its not as bad as it sounds i promise

ROXY: some of it is like

ROXY: weird and violent??

ROXY: like lotsa nasty purple blood and um

ROXY: nudity????

TEREZI: >:?

ROXY: yeah yikes

ROXY: but MOST of it is cute stuff like... various combos of all of us being happy and gettin married and shit

>obama’s here. god i need a minute

>dirk told gamzee something??? 

“DAVE: wheres dirk

GAMZEE: tHeRe’S nO nEeD tO wOrRy AbOuT hIm. :o)

GAMZEE: YoU’rE gOnNa GeT wHaT’s BeSt FoR yOu. He ToLd Me ThAt, AnD i’M gOnNa MaKe SuRe HiS wIsH mAkEs LiKe A mOtHeRfUcKiNg MiRaClE aNd GeTs TrUe.

[...]

GAMZEE: YoU dOn’T gOt AnY nEeD tO gO aNd CoNcErN yOuRsElF wItH hIs MoRtAl FlEsH bOdY oUt HeRe In ThIs CaNdYcAnE wHiRlPoOl BeYoNd ThE iNfInItE bLaCk WiNk Of ThE wIcKeD sInGuLaRiTy, My NiNjA.

GAMZEE: a SaCk Of MeAt AnD bOnEs In OnE lIfE oR tHe NeXt Is OnLy A mEaNs To ThE fInAl ToTaLiTy ThAt WiLl DaMn AnD rAiSe Us AlL iN bRiLlIaNt ApOtHeOsIs.

GAMZEE: In ThE oNe TrUe LiFe We AlL fLoW fRoM tHe OnE tRuE pEn,

GAMZEE: aNd EvErY hEaD rOlLs DoWn ThE pAtH tO tHe OnE tRuE hAnD.”

> dirk before killing himself:  “ It is the very last moment of narratively consequential action that will happen in this whole, barren world. “

OTHER STUFF

> dirk teaching men about "combat, philosophy, life, love." (jake, dave, obama, not said explicitly but also probably gamzee????) what is UP with that

>gamzee also wanting to teach kid tavros about combat philosophy life love, “to behave the way a mentor does”

>re: john “Your complete lack of remarkability, specific motivation, drive, opinion on where to direct your own fate—these deficiencies are exactly what made you so useful, so susceptible to being endowed with the you-ness I’ve borrowed to satisfy my purposes.”

>at the end of meat, callie in jade's body in candy timeline kills lord english and gets big powers or whatever. cherub stuff

>terezi gets a text at the end of Meat, we dont know from whom (candy!(vriska)?)

>john left letters for everyone in Meat but no one’s found them yet?

>snapchats were probably before the split 

>this whole post makes both me and krav sound like we’re been talking about this for 24 hours straight (we did)

[astarlightmonbebe]

i'm literally about to spam your inbox and i am so sorry i just have a lot to say and no one else to talk about dramas with lol i tried to cut it down as much as possible but it's still a lot please don't hate me

dude, i could never hate you!! i was really excited to see my inbox so full lol. let’s see if i can get them all into one answer haha.

omg you admire my dedication……. an angel thank you so much!! when i get into a show that i like i make sure to watch at least one episode a day, i don’t know why it’s just how my brain works and i thought it was dumb but apparently i’m just dedicated :D if you really want to, why not watch it a second time around!! you might catch some stuff you didn't the first time!! it might be smart to wait to rewatch until we're closer to season two so everything is fresh in your mind!! (1/9)

that’s actually a really solid way to go about things, and i’m glad it works out like that for you. i already told you i’m a hare brain when it comes to this stuff - i’ll rewatch shows i haven’t even finished lol, and i rewatch shows i’ve finished in sporadic bits because they’re comforting (i did that a lot during quarantine). i want to rewatch, but i want to time it right, you know? like during a time i can afford to get immersed in it, maybe after i’ve finished some shows that i should finish (i need to make a list for the summer...). also, i heard the release date for season 2 got pushed back to 2022 instead of 2021 because of covid...i don’t know if that’s confirmed though.

!!spoilers for the arthdal chronicles incoming!! my feelings for the characters in arthdal have literally changed so much. in one moment i’ll admire a character and then absolutely hate them the next and it’s a lot of fun LOL despite that my feelings have never changed for eunseom! i’ve always admired him and i have a lot of faith in him and he’s just such a good person! (2/9)

i know, it’s like a normal kdrama but it really feels like you’ve watched 3 kdramas in one, because of length and how much happens. eunseom is everyone’s no 1 boy, honestly. he never did anything wrong *insert that meme, or whatever*. 

that being said, i’m still a little scared of him being inaishingi and basically ruling the entirety of the ago tribe because as we’ve learned from the show, being in a position of power corrupts you, no matter what your intentions are so i’m a lil nervous but then i also remember that eunseom is eunseom so i’m worried for nothing lol (3/9)

(side note but i’ll be talking about this from memory and it’s been like 10 months SO) but even though he’s like a god, he’s not actually a god, not yet. and eunseom at his core is good - that being said, i know what you mean; honestly haven’t thought about that. i’m more scared that he won’t know how to lead, or that he’s not exactly equipped to lead a rebellion - more like i’m worried he might act in his own self interest instead of for all of ago, if you know what i mean? because he’s leading this whole group he’s not actually a part of.

i also like dalsae, xabara, tanya, chaeuun and the neanthals!!! i have so much to say about the neanthals omg i really wish we saw more of them but i also understand why we don’t. they’ve almost been completely wiped out of existence so they don’t really get involved with anything which i completely understand, i just wish!!!! that when rottip met eunseom that he would’ve said or done something. i waited all season for that moment, waiting for it to maybe happen and rottip just walked away (4/9

i understand why but :/ ipsaeng is kind of a bastard but i still like him a lil bit. i also really like mubaek and yangcha even though they’re like. bad guys and members of the daekan forces (5/9)

one moment, i have to go remind myself who dalsae is...and oh, right, i do like him a lot! ipsaeng is pretty funny himself. and yes!!! the females in this show were awesome, especially xabara and chaeun and nunbyeol (tanya and taelha get their own category). yes!! when rottip and eunseom met, i really thought he would matter more to them, but i kind of understand why it went down like that...i think the other (hot) neanthal reminded rottip that they couldn’t really connect? ah, it was something like that. i had complicated feelings about it as well, but i hope that they’ll meet again in season 2 (and i hope nunbyeol wrecks arth with her sword, i remember when we first saw her fight with a sword in neanthal form; i was s c r e a m i n g).

mubaek is good, but also annoying. he knows this, but he’s complicit in all the evil actions going on. like, man, if you know that much,  you should use it to do something. knowledge is power! but he preferred to be sidelined and not do anything. yangcha is so hot...seriously, but i think he’s so interesting. the fandom needs to know why he has a mask on, there’s so many theories. i love how tanya could read his thoughts, but we still didn’t get many of them, but i think it shows how he’ll be more of a main character (hopefully) in season 2.

i know you asked for characters i like but i can’t help but mention the one character that i absolutely DESPISE. like saying i despise him doesn’t even truly explain my feelings for him (6/9)

I CANNOT STAND MUNGTAE he’s literal scum i hate him so much…. the fact that he betrayed eunseom and dalsae when they were literally coming to rescue him!! OH MY GOD and then everything that happened with teodae and eunseom having to see it and being traumatized by it………. i hate mungtae and i wish i wish he would face the actions of his consequences but there is no justice in arthdal so he will most likely get away scot free (7/9)

MUNGTAE CAN PERISH. he needed to have died in episode 1 seriously. it’s fine if you’re a coward, but not a snitch...everyone’s afraid, but at least they have a concept of loyalty. omg...teodae, the fact that eunseom got so traumatized by that made me want to sob. imagine you have a friend who you want to help save, but such friend loves their mind because of the situation they’re in and begins to believe the lies about you, tries to kill you, and then kills themselves in front of you...every episode of this show should have been titled: eunseom is wrecked and traumatized. again. part xx.

honestly, my hope is that tanya or eunseom straight up murders him. or dalsae. he can’t survive season 2, not on my watch.

a lot of people were complaining about the ending being vague or just not good in general, but i thought it was the perfect ending! the ending was relatively lackluster in the sense that nothing too crazy took place and what’s gonna happen next season was laid out relatively clear? i mean tagon wants to conquer the east and made a point to mention the ago tribe so i think we’re going see like eunseom’s return (?) as in he’s gonna actively become a problem for those in power in arth again (8/9)

i didn’t actually know people were saying that, because i thought the ending was so good. in my opinion, the whole finale of it serves to do two things which are a) tie up loose ends for season one and b) establish the continuation needed for season 2. arth was always going to continue, but it also builds suspense for season 2: there’s going to be a war, but tanya and eunseom are on different sides. saya knows he has a twin. AND there’s that awful women spy...she can perish as well. us clowns watching the show for the first time really thought we were going to get an eunseom and tanya reunion...we were played.

i’ve mainly watched like movies or variety shows for idols that i like but for some reason i never really got into kdramas until like right now. i’ve only seen 4 in total LOL but i’ve liked all of the shows that i’ve watched so i can’t complain. i’ve seen hello monster, arthdal, prison playbook and chocolate! (9/9)

oh, seriously? that’s amazing! i’ve watched 3/4, and right now i’m actually skimming through chocolate - i’m not really a fan of all the melo nonsense they have going on, so i’m mostly watching it for the sibling scenes and jun’s scenes haha...

and i’ve got this all in one ask, yes.

[dramaplustautology]

Where Belief Goes to Die

Summary: A Thorn spy decided to torch the research they did on the Espina Rosa's newest inmate, setting Theano's plans back significantly. Under the guise of a researcher backed by Akanthus, he goes to meet the Champion of Ravenloss.

Chapter 1/???

AO3 Link

The Rose were planning on sending three researchers to the Espina Rosa to examine a peculiar prisoner versed in forbidden magic.  

One of those researchers had been a hidden Thorn, quietly recording what Jaania had her nose in, and sending it to Theano. The very last package he would ever send to his Commander was a pile of ash.

Theano theorized from the researcher’s letters steadily declining legibility that some epiphany had gripped him. Those forbidden passages had whispered nonsense into his ears, and he torched himself, the other two researchers, and all of their discoveries.

“I would rather rend the flesh from my own bones than watch Theano or Jaania destroy all life on Lore.”  

Scowling at the scorched ramblings of a dead man, Theano roughly flipped through the bundle of papers that had survived the blaze. The cracked and blackened pages no longer held anything of value. They were merely proof of time wasted.

The incident had set his plans back significantly and taught Theano that if he needed to have something done, he had to do it himself.

“Commander,” One of his men spoke in a hushed voice. “They’re opening the gates.”

Framed in white brick, glowing a ghostly blue from the runes that gave the fortress its name, the huge doors slowly swung inwards.

Inside was complete darkness, only pierced by the blue flames deeper into the prison. Shadows danced behind them, like ghosts lurking in wait. The two disguised Thorns beside Theano rooted themselves to the ground, if not backing away at the imposing sight.

“What are you? Children?” He grumbled, stepping into the pitch-black hall.

His shoes clacked against the floor, nearly drowning out the grating voice of an idiot yelling like their mother had forgotten them at the market.

“You must be the desk-rats,” They greeted Theano quite politely. “Private, get the lights before our guests wet themselves.”

“Yes, sir.”

When the lights came on, Theano was displeased to see that he had to tilt his chin up to look at the brick wall of a man. He imagined his brain held the same thinking capacity of one too. They grinned at Theano, the corner of their lip twitching at his nonplussed reaction.

“Normally, stick-people aren’t allowed to play doctor on our inmates. If you did, I’d need more janitors than soldiers. Especially with the newest beast they wrangled. Broke three of who I thought were my best,” The man’s tone dropped to a dark level. “But if General Akanthus himself gave the order, I suppose I have to welcome you to the Espina Rosa. I am Sofist. Head Officer and Jailer.”

Looking past Sofist, Theano found a Rose soldier in spectacles that resembled his own fake pair.

“Does he know how to read?” Theano asked, and the soldier’s jaw dropped open. In the corner of his eye, Theano noticed Sofist face turning purple. His fists were tight by his sides, saying what the useless hole in his head couldn’t. “No, then?” The Thorn’s Commander motioned for his minion to pass him their documents. They nervously scurried to him, making sure Theano was in between them and the terrifying minotaur.

“These are—” The soldier began.

“Our identification, approval from General Akanthus, and the procedures he wants you to follow to make our work go as smoothly as possible,” Theano shoved the paperwork into the soldier’s arms. He didn’t care for groveling, even when he was wearing a standard Rose uniform. If he was found out, this would be on Akanthus for not doing a proper job of providing them cover. “The General will hear of any incompetence handling these instructions. Make sure the cow doesn’t eat it.”

Grabbing the soldier’s shoulder, Theano moved him out of the way and walked ahead.

“Clarence, Rand.” Theano called the other two researchers by their fake names.

Sennidy kept his head down, and Tariche pressed his tongue against his cheek looking at Sofist fuming, sticking close behind their commander.

“Wait! Please wait! No!” They heard the Rose soldier’s begging coming from behind them, increasing in desperation the further they went. It was apparent that the soldier was talking to Sofist anyways.

Somehow, none of the guards milling about decided to stop them from going where they pleased. In fact, they seemed to flinch away at the strict aura surrounding the Thorns. By the time they were well into the barracks, finding themselves in the canteen where the soldiers had their meals, Theano noticed how most of them were severely injured.

Broken limbs swathed in casting, ugly gashes and cuts, dark bruises and burns, and defeated faces. Theano was surrounded by weakness and to top it off, Sennidy had decided to break down.

“Sir?” He squeaked, sweat already beading on his brow. “Wouldn’t it be wiser to ah be more polite since we’re staying here for the long term. If we get found out, er I mean, if we’re too rude to the wardens --”

“—Then there are numerous ways to silence a snitch,” Theano turned, grabbing Sennidy by his collar next to a table a soldier was having lunch at. They continued chewing on their bread, having flashbacks to their family suppers. “See this?” He flashed a small key at Sennidy. “Opens any cell in the prison. Only Jaania, Akanthus, and that cow has one. And now, so do I.”

Sennidy swallowed, and Theano noticed that his brown hair became matted so fast when he was nervous. With his knees shaking so hard, Theano found him to resemble a skittish horse. Easy to put down if his magical and scientific expertise ran out.

“I don’t know what might be hiding in those cells, and I don’t care. But you should.”

Sennidy nodded rapidly at him, and after he dropped the shuddering coward, he glanced at Tariche.

“What about you?”

Tariche spat into the sitting soldier’s food.

“Nope.” He said, ruffling the soldier’s hair. Their nerve shattered and they scurried off to find a corner, just in time for Sofist’s assistant to track the trio down.

His arms were sagging, having run all over the fortress to find them after he respectfully wrangled his superior.

“You can’t just—”

“Try again,” Theano glared at him, waiting for him to be useful.

“I…Let me introduce myself, I’m Brad—”

“Try again.”

Behind his still lips, Theano noticed the private clenching his teeth.

“If you would follow me.”

After they had dropped their personal affects and other supplies in their provided rooms, Brad skipped the touring and lead them straight to their objective.

The Espina Rosa had three floors. Beasts were held captive in the first, petty criminals in the second, and the third was not to be spoken of. That would be difficult considering the trail of carnage leading to its door.

“Watch your step.” Brad said, crossing a small fissure on the floor. The soldiers he included in the small detail escorting the researchers cringed at Tariche picking up a fifth tooth from one of the many cracks in the walls.

From the ceiling to the floor, the cracks fractured and crossed over each other like a huge web. The damage was fresh, judging from the whimpering coming from the cells. Theano figured they had been witnesses to the Rose’s incompetence in handling a single body.

“The inmate you are about to meet was going to be placed in a cell on the second floor,” Brad explained, reaching the door to the prison’s worst. “After we finally got him under control, Sofist wanted to have him buried instead. Placing him on the third floor was a compromise we came to with High Command. If he causes any more trouble though…”

Theano barely stopped himself from rolling his eyes. Of course Jaania would compromise, but no matter. The creature they had chained up in the bowels of the prison would serve his plans well.

“The third floor itself is extremely dangerous, and should only be accessed when you are accompanied by the elite patrol.”

“Why?” Theano asked. “To give me an extra three seconds to escape while they get eaten alive?”

“S-sir.” Sennidy whispered, noticing their guards’ carefully contained hatred.

“Well,“ Brad ignored the insult and checked his magic agenda. “Going from the provided documentation, two of you are going to meet the prisoner and the remaining will accompany me to sort prior research.”

“I’ll go with you,” Tariche volunteered, to Sennidy’s dismay. “What happened to the last people that talked to him?”

“You’ll see.” A guard stated darkly.

“Right, I wish you the best of luck.” Brad nodded at Theano with zero sincerity, heading off with Tariche.

With them gone, Theano tapped his shoe impatiently.

“Go on, then. You can waste anyone else’s time but mine.” He tilted his head at the door.

Eerily silent, the soldiers had the sigils on the door’s lock rotate, clicking and vibrating until the gate lifted from the ground. The stone arch let out a gust of wind that swirled at their feet, cooler and sweeter smelling than the beach that surrounded the fortress.

Whispers, softer than a touch of a feather, hissed and abruptly fell to nothing.

Unfazed in the slightest, Theano descending into the purple corridors behind the group of soldiers. They were much larger than the first and second floors’, the shapes of its walls expanding and contracting as they traversed the maze. It felt more like they were delving into the innards of a leviathan than the bottom of a building.

But even here, the new cracks were showing, pulsing with unseen energy whenever the visitors looked away.

“His cell was supposed to be the closest to the entrance” A soldier muttered, looking up the flight of steps they had come to. “Stairs this time?”

“What do you mean, this time?” Sennidy demanded, his question going unanswered.

The head of the pack waved at the bottom of the stairwell.

“Go ahead,” He cast a not so subtle glance at his fellows. “Monsters are more prone to wandering the ground. We won’t let them climb up. Good luck with your examination, and do mind the other cells.”

The barely hidden threat made the Commander of the Thorn roll his eyes.

Disregarding the soldiers, and Sennidy’s whimpering, Theano took the steps. They grew in height, shrank, twisted into odd angles, and it felt like they looped certain spirals several times but he didn’t care. Sennidy was already wheezing and the soldiers below were becoming suspicious, watching Theano fair better than most seasoned guards, and he didn’t care. Monsters snarled and roared as he passed their cells, and he couldn’t even muster brief curiosity.

This phenomena and ghostly wonder didn’t mean anything to him. They were just annoyances screaming for attention they didn’t deserve.

At the end of the passage, where the bruised metallic bars of a small jail cell fought to stand straight, the prisoner there would prove to be the same.

He sat on the ground, against the back wall. As opposed to the faint light illuminating the rest of the floor, this corner was completely dark. The lone lights came from the blue glimmer of a magic-restricting collar, and the ever so faint glow of the prisoner’s red eyes.

Checking his burnt papers, Theano read the inmate’s name aloud.

“Vaal?”

It bounced off the walls, echoing in a way that made it sound like a crowd was saying his name. Vaal waited until the voices finished calling to him before he deigned to look up at his visitors.

There was a change in pressure in the corridor, pressed down by the intense loathing behind those red eyes. Sennidy felt his knees being crushed under his own weight, and Theano briefly wondered if he had pronounced the name wrong. Not that it mattered.

“Are you awake?” Theano batted the bars of the cell with his papers. “Get up before I make a request for a cattle prod.”

Infuriatingly, the prisoner kept quiet. Theano could see him staring and made a frustrated noise in the back of his throat. Sennidy was mouthing frantic warnings at him but it went right over Theano’s head.

“I am—” Theano glanced at the papers again. “—Kenin, and on behalf of the Rose, I will be questioning you in order to evaluate how much of a danger you pose. You will give me answers if you have any sense of self-preservation.”

Slamming his fist against the wall, Vaal made room shudder. Sennidy just about collapsed.

“Threats? You’re threatening me? Faked hospitality didn’t work so they resort to sending me rats,” Vaal laughed. “Did you see what I did to this pit? To those ants in armor? To the whelps that used to wear the same garb you do?”

Narrowing his eyes, Theano moved closer to the bars.

“I’m asking questions. Not you.”

Incensed, Vaal rose to his feet. In the dimmest light, his shadow cut an intimidating height. He was easily a head above Theano, which irked him the same way that bull did.

“You should already know my might, my wisdom, and how many splinters I could break you into.” Vaal slowly came up to the bars separating him from his prey, the ripped chain links dangling from his collar clinking as he moved. “I am the Champion of Ravenloss, and I have suffered no defeat.”

Standing at just a safe enough distance from the bars, Theano’s composure remained unchanged; stagnant in the face of death. He saw the damage, and he wasn’t a drooling idiot like everyone in this tedious nightmare was.

Rather, he was exasperated over how no one knew where their place was. Vaal should know now that he was trapped, there was nothing else to do but give up and make Theano’s life easier.

“We are interested in the so-called forbidden magic you claim to be a master of, along with chaosweaving, a champion of some backend slum, and oh what else?” He turned to Sennidy.

“G-godhood.” Sennidy stammered, inching his way backwards.

“Really?” Theano sneered, the briefest speck of amusement instantly stamped out by Sennidy’s sniveling. “Get over here, I can barely hear you.”

“Yes, sir.” Sennidy reluctantly came to his side, and Vaal paused in his rambling.

He was right on the threshold now, and Theano could see his scarred and rugged face. The gruff man wasn’t just a sudden anomaly; he had seen his share of battles and, if he was to be believed, an endless string of victories.

Scanning the metal bars, Theano choked back a snort. Oh yes, he did believe this washed up piece of driftwood.

Sennidy did the same, more to make sure that there was no chance of being minced with Vaal’s bare hands. He squinted at the corner of the row of bars, seeing something strange but was too afraid to get any closer.

“Anyways, if you cooperate with us, the Rose will be lenient with you,” Theano continued. “Know that you are already in a precarious situation. Any further disobedience will result in your neutralization.”

For a moment, Vaal kept quiet, leaning against the bars with his arm braced across his forehead. He looked Theano directly in the eye, and saw nothing. No emotion. No fear.

“I’ve met someone with gold eyes before,” Vaal mused, nodding deliberately. “What do you actually want?”

“Don’t interrupt me.” Theano tsked, skimming through the newer documents to see where he should attempt to start. “There will be preliminary questions,” Theano talked over him. “And if you would settle down, blood samples will be collected as, hm, unobtrusively as possible.”

The sharpened shank jabbed right at his heart at an almost inhuman speed. Theano managed to knock it out of the way with the vambrace hidden under his sleeve, but not before it slashed open the thin material protecting his chest.

Swinging wide, the crudely made weapon, a loose cell bar carved to a point, hooked into Sennity. Catching on the space between his ribs, right under his arm, the shank made blood spurt as Vaal gaped at Theano.

They were sharing a mutually astonished stare as Sennidy screamed and struggled to escape. Theano still had his arm up, temporarily frozen over how he narrowly avoided getting maimed, and Vaal, finding that there was more going on than he had realized, curled his lips into a grin.

The prisoner yanked on Sennidy and his shrieking collapsed into a hoarse cough when he slammed against metal, and an arm reached between the bars crushed his throat in a choke hold.

Theano watched Sennidy’s shoes scrape on the uneven ground, beginning to slip as blood flowed into a small pool under his heels.

Vaal squeezed harder, and Theano could swear he could hear the skin on Sennidy’s neck stretching and snapping at its breaking point. His eyes were bulging and gradually, his futile scratching at Vaal’s arm was getting weaker.

“What did you say your name was again?” Vaal asked casually.

This was nothing to panic over. Theano couldn’t understand why his throat had gone dry.

“Kenin.”

“No, no. You aren’t in league with my last visitors. They popped like over-ripened berries,” Vaal began to tip Sennidy’s head at an odd angle. “Your real name.”

How dare he? How dare this worthless vagrant try to bully him into submission. No, there was still salvaging this.

Straightening his posture, Theano readjusted his coat, lifted his chin, and said “Wor—"

Turning Sennidy’s head ninety-degrees, Vaal dropped his limp and lifeless body to slump on the ground. Theano’s lie dropped into silence, his shoulders slumping as the potential problems this would cause him started to pile.

“Look at you,” Vaal laughed. It was a deep and sonorous sound that invaded every crevice of the corridor. “Did I kill your colleague or did I dump your science project in the loo?”

“What have you done?” Theano frantically checked over his shoulder and anywhere a rose soldier could be hiding. “Do you have any idea how much work I have to –” His hand flew to his forehead, gripping his hair as he glowered disdainfully at the corpse.

He had to get rid of it. The weakling that turned himself into a candle had burned the preliminary research on Vaal for a reason. If any of the Espina Rosa’s overseers knew that Vaal had done this, Theano would lose any chance of perfecting his research.

Thinking quickly, he knelt to grab the dead body. It refused to budge, Vaal having pulled its arm into his cell. With the hand trapped firmly under Vaal’s boot, the corpse was going nowhere.

Chest heaving, and struggling not to snarl out of frustration, Theano quashed his fury for the time being. Feeling Vaal’s gaze bearing down on him, he rose to his feet, standing near chest to chest with the brute.

“You aren’t a part of this Rose,” Vaal stroked his chin, jumping to such a conclusion all too fast. Unfortunately, it was partly correct. “Stealing from them? Ah, would be a shame if you had to scurry along without getting what you needed—” He slid his hand through the bars again, gripping Theano by the collar. “—from me.”

“You want a deal?” Theano ground out.

“I only strike deals with someone that has a name.”

Biting down hard to keep himself from gnashing his teeth, the Thorn’s commander decided to concede.  

“Theano.”

Dipping his chin, Vaal considered the name and Theano himself, dropping the man’s collar and spreading his hand over his chest. Feeling the skin under the gash he made in Theano’s armor, he discovered that he hadn’t drawn blood.

“That name…” Vaal said, the corner of his mouth twitching.

Raising his brow at Vaal’s sudden thoughtfulness, Theano grimaced as the chains on the man’s collar clattered against each other from a chuckle bubbling in his throat.

“I had an ex with that name.” He shoved Theano hard, almost sending him sprawling to the ground.

There was no time to put the prisoner back in his place. Theano didn’t know whether or not the soldiers at the base of the stairs heard the idiot screaming. He took Sennidy by the ankles, and Vaal stepped off of his hand, watching Theano drag the corpse away.

“Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow,” Vaal saluted, sitting back on his steel framed bed. “I’ll be waiting, Theano.”

This time, it was his name echoing through the corridor. Theano would have never believed that he could hate the sound of his own name so much.

[1stunseeliefaelass]

Darksiders: Arthurian Tales

Chapter 3: Nerve Ending Nightmares

Uther spent the night pacing about his study. Fretting over where Strife could be right now and wondering how best to get Death to talk. He could set his prisoners in the fight the elder Horsemen by offering freedom. But even with that prize precious few would ever face him willingly. And those that'd face him, would likely not survive. As he pondered and guessed through ideas, a cold presence came into the room. With it, a tall, slender man with a spindly sort of a build entered the room. Despite being gaunt, he held an intimidating presence as his little minions that attended him proved. Two Redcaps with caps fresh with blood scurried around in pure reverence to their dark master. Clearly quite frightened of him. Other features included the wings of a wasp drone, a thin rectangular shaped head, piercing blue eyes, and black hair with streaks of blonde here and there.

"King Uther, I've heard from my children that you've got one of the Four as your prisoner." The man says, his tone full of ice.

"You have no children last I recall. And yes I do have Death himself in my grasp." Uther snaps at him.

The wasp wings flitted in surprise at that, "Ah but I was not told which of the Four you had. To know that it's the Reaper himself is both an intriguing and.....concerning matter."

"Cease your fretting, all I want from him is to know where his brother is. Once they're both locked away I'll have them answer to a plea bargain if they want to be free." Uther says.

"Unfortunately since you've neglected to think on this I am forced to do so for you, King of the Seelie." The man says with some venom.

"Enough with the vague terminology Unseelie Bug, tell me plainly what you're here about."

With an audible hiss at the insult, the man spoke again, "You've got the eldest of the Four, but how will long can you hold him? He won't just 'sit tight' like an average prisoner may. As for his younger brother, it doesn't matter which one, they've likely fled by now. In which case you're soon to have the Council hounding you. Even if they do not care, the other three Horsemen certainly will. You're a sitting duck here Uther."

"I have the book! Not even they can stand against that."

"Maybe not. But your weapon has a 'sentient' component to it. She won't do as you say I'm sure. She destroyed the original one after all. And last I heard she wasn't very fond of you."

"My sweet Morgana will come through for me. One way or another, I'll get what I want from her. I always do." Uther says a bit cocky.

"Then might I suggest limiting her visits with the Horsemen you've locked up? I fear his influence on her may sway her feelings on you all the more. Assuming your current actions haven't already done that."

"Don't concern yourself with her, you've more important things as a King to worry about. Speaking of which, why don't you go back to your 'children'?" Uther says mockingly.

"Very well, but heed my warnings King Uther. And do feel free to come crawling back when you inevitably need to. In the meantime take these gifts, they may help you in your endeavors."

The Redcaps placed two jars upon the table in front of Uther. Inside one were black colored spikes that seemed to follow Uther's hand. These he knew well enough. But the contents of the second jar confused him, inside it was a mass of black and dark gray tentacles that were moving slowly. When Uther peered closer, the thing practically sprang to life and tried to jump at his face. Only to just knock the jar on it's side as Uther jumped back.

"What in the name of the Creator is that?!"

"This is a baby Nerve Ender. In their larval stage, this creature feeds off of Nerve Cells in the Nervous system. They prefer new cells in particular, so they have a trick for sending false messages to the brain to recieve these cells. However, if they're forced to eat quickly, they will also send false messages of pain into the brain for even more cells. Naturally this triggers the pain receptors of the body heavily, causing intense pain. In the big creatures they typically feed on, no real damage is done. But on a man....well it's quite the show. To trigger the little fellow, just apply pressure spells to it. Their squishy bodies can't handle too much pressure." The Unseelie King says matter-of-factly.

"Ah so that's what a Nerve Ender is. I've only heard stories of them, but to be able to use one is quite tempting indeed. I'll need to think on this. But thank you for your gifts. I shall put them to good use." Uther says.

The Unseelie King leaves at this, and Uther hears a knock upon his door.

"Yes?"

The door opens and a maid comes in with a bundle. Inside is a squirming babe clearly upset and hungry. Uther came to the maid's side and took the baby from her. It did calm to an extent, but still ultimately was hungry.

"Where is my Morgana?" Uther asks the maid.

"Sleeping my lord."

"Have her wake then, her presence is always necessary for little Arthur." Uther demands.

Morgen is slowly roused by the rapid knocks on her door, and asks groggily, "Who is it?"

The maid opens the door frantically and tells Morgen quickly as she catches her breath, "Lord Uther requires your presence milady."

"Arthur is awake isn't he?" Morgen asks with a slight sigh.

"Yes ma'am, and very hungry."

"Oh...do you have a bottle ready?" Morgen asks her.

"I do miss."

"Good, let us go then."

The two women then hurried to Uther's study. Once there Uther gave little Arthur to Morgen. He calmed down all the more when seeing her, and began tugging at her dress where her breasts were.

"You heard the little man, feed him girl." Uther says simply.

"Very well." Morgen says taking the bottle from the maid. Only for Uther to take it from her in turn.

"Now now, you know how this works Morgana."

"Uther....I cannot produce. You know this." Morgen says concerned.

"Nonsense, you are a woman and your breasts are developed wonderfully. Now lower your dress."

Both Morgen and the maid looked at each other in disgust at Uther's blatant sexism and need to point out Morgen's 'development', but Morgen begrudgingly lowers her dress. The little tyke does certainly try for sure, much to Morgen's annoyance. But he gets nothing from it, so Uther shoves the bottle back to them. Grumbling in disappointment as Morgen finally lifted her dress back up and gave the bottle to Arthur. He was a bit fussy after picking up on Morgen's anger, but after some food he calmed completely. Falling asleep as he got full on the bottle, which was close to empty. The maid quietly and carefully scooped Arthur up to return him to his crib and then Morgen got up to leave. However, Uther raised his hand,

"Wait a moment Morgana. I have something to ask of you while you're here."

Morgen stayed and nodded to the maid so she'd leave with Arthur.

"What is it you require Uther?" She asks firmly, trying not to show any fear.

"It has come to my attention that you've been visiting the Reaper in his cell. Quite a bit in fact."

"I've only been there twice."

"Just twice is enough for concern. He can influence your mind, fill your head with thoughts you don't need. Therefore, I forbid you from seeing him further." Uther says authoritatively.

Morgen however clenches her fists, and after a moment of silence says, "No. Your actions at the ball show me that you will not treat him with fairness. Therefore I cannot and will not stop visiting him. Someone has to do what you will not."

Uther stands up at this and raises his hand again. This time Morgen feels the slap his her hard and despite her efforts a slight yelp slips out. Uther raises his hand to slap her a second time but stops just as she flinches,

"You will do as I tell you. I forbid you to ever see him again. There will be no other visits starting now. Am I clear Morgana?" Uther asks her in pure anger.

Morgen goes silent, giving him time to say to himself, "Hmm, perhaps the Unseelie King's little Nerve Ender will be of use to me after all."

He then walks back up to Morgen again, but she only shouts at him as he raises his hand to touch her face, "No! Get away from me!"

She runs off as Uther calls for his guards to stop her. They're highly reluctant to do this, but ultimately feel they have no true choice. Only his Captain refuses to be a part of this. Morgen flees as best she can, dodging the searching guards as she tries to reach Death to warn him. She does run into the the Captain of the Guard, who offers to help her. However, Morgen isn't taking chances and hurries away from him. Eventually she reaches Death's cell and finds that the guard beside the door is asleep. Seeing ink and a quill there on his desk she searches for and eventually finds paper. Quickly and quietly she writes down all she can about what's happened. She also writes about the Nerve Ender comment Uther made. And how she fears he may use the critter on him as torture. She only neglects to mention the slap. Morgen hears more guards coming just as she finishes her note and quickly raps on the cell door.

Death wakes with a start of sorts but upon seeing it's Morgen he comes over.

"Why so late?" Death asks her a bit annoyed.

"I don't have time to explain. Just take this and read it. Once you're done, shred it up." Morgen says frantically.

"Wait a minute slow down. What's wrong?" Death asks her before hearing the guards coming their way.

Instead of answering Morgen shoves the notes through the slit and then hurries away. Death about calls after her, but upon hearing how many guards are coming he decides against it. He crouches in his cell, and waits for them to pass before glancing at the folded piece of paper in his hand.

[desroundtree]

The Diagnosis Dance

During the years I have battled depression and everything that contributed to it, I began to realize that there may very well have been something wrong with my body.  That maybe it wasn’t only my mind.  

I figured the aches and pains after a night out on the town were normal, they were punishment for over doing it.  It was when I stopped drinking and these aches and pains stayed that I realized something might really be wrong.  When the pain began settling in my bones then in my heart, I knew something was really wrong.

My body hurt me in so many ways, every touch was agony. The fatigue was awful, the sadness was deafening. I was so sluggish with the slightest bit of exertion I felt like I immediately wanted to nap.  Let me rephrase, I didn’t want to nap, I needed to nap.  I began to hope I would feel better sooner rather than later because right at that point it was unbearable.  When it was at its worst, it took no prisoners.  It left me feeling like all I wanted to do was cry. And to be honest, I didn’t even know where to begin.  

I felt like all at once I couldn’t handle life and the pain was kicking my ass.

There were plenty of people who came on this long and arduous journey with me and for those that had, they spent most of their time wishing me well.  They were hoping and praying for the best.  I was almost happy (yes happy) to say I was about to figure it out.  I was happy to finally find someone that was willing to work with me to find an answer.  I was happy to find the right doctor to help me through it, to teach me what to do, to show me the way.

But I had gone through some of the most intense physical pain I had ever had to endure.  Anything that painful will almost always turns emotional and mental with me.  It seemed like I couldn’t go through a bout without having a complete breakdown of the person I was before it.

Years had come and gone.  Doctors upon doctors told me numerous things, some ridiculous (maybe you’re depressed – which I told them originally) to certain diagnoses that I hung onto when the pain was just bad enough to believe it.

The things that made me happy before the pain were still in my life - my husband and daughter, my family and friends, my somewhat health, love - yet during it I almost couldn’t see any of it.

And what I did see, I felt as though I didn’t deserve it.

It’s hard to explain but really easy to feel.

But there I was, three months into seeing a new doctor and testing was done and I had an answer.

And that answer was Lupus.

It was amazing that just like that the world could drop from underneath your feet.  It was amazing that just like that the sound from a room can be sucked out, making the air seem too thin, too fragile.

The truth was I knew for so long something was wrong. I knew in my heart I wasn’t imagining it, the pain was very real and I wasn’t making it up. Yet after hearing him say: “Desiree, you have lupus.” I couldn’t believe it was happening to me. I sat there wearing a mask of disbelief.

“Do you need a minute?” In that moment the question was loaded.

I couldn’t speak and all I did was nod.  Furiously.

Because I did need a minute, quite a few to be honest.

When he left the room, I actually had time to process the fear that choked me in that first 30 seconds. Because when he said I had lupus, I heard something totally different. The fear settled in and choked me - I heard "You’re going to die a painful death, you’re going to leave your husband to raise your daughter alone, you won’t have another child, you’re not going to see your daughter graduate from high school or college, you won’t ever dance again without pain and you won’t ever meet your grandchildren”.

I was paralyzed. My thoughts swirled and I had to stop myself from curling into the fetal position and giving up.  I had already cried, the minute the door closed and the lock clicked, the tears began to flow.  And I suspected he was standing just outside, wanting to come back in, just not sure if I could handle it.

He came back in and I looked up at him with a tear stained face.  And he smiled.  And more than anything, I needed that smile.  Because even though I couldn’t smile – his smile showed me that he was ok.  And if he was ok with it, then I would be ok.

“Are you alright?”

“I don’t know, am I?  I am relieved, in a weird sort of way.  I knew it was something and I am kind of happy to know I’m not crazy.”  I chuckled and wiped at my face with the sleeves of my sweater.

He handed me a box of Kleenex and rested his hand on the seat beside me.

“You’re going to be ok.  This is something we can treat.  The medicine is very good with very little side effects, we just have to get your dosages right.  Be patient with me and I promise you will feel better.”

I smiled.

And something happened for me.  I thought for just a minute about things really being mind over matter. And I considered the container in which I placed my pain.  I remembered something I read in “The Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo.  It was a passage about an aging Hindu master who had a young apprentice who complained all the time.  He sent him for salt and when the apprentice came back he put a handful of salt in the water and made the apprentice taste it.  The master asked him, “How does it taste?”  Of course it was horrible and the apprentice replied that the water was bitter.  The master laughed at him and took him to a lake.  He did the same thing but this time instead of a glass, he poured the salt into the lake.  He made the apprentice taste the water and asked him, “How does it taste?” The apprentice said, “Fresh.”  As I looked into the hopeful face of my doctor, I remembered: “The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less.  The amount of pain in life remains the same, exactly the same.  But the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in.  So, when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is enlarge your sense of thing… Stop being a glass.  Become a lake.”

I was strong.

In that minute I felt like I was going to handle this differently than I had handled any other diagnosis I had ever received. I wasn’t going to let my fear of what I know nothing about consume me.  I was going to know what I was dealing with and handle it accordingly.

When I called my husband, I decided to do it while walking to the train station.  I figured I wouldn’t break down crying in the street, I would be fine.  I would let the sentence escape my lips and he would make it better.  He would comfort me, I would head home and we would battle this together.

“Hey Babe, how’d it go?”

Before I could get one sentence out, tears caught in my throat, making my voice thick, I swallowed hard and said, “I have lupus.”

The silence was charged.  I waited for him to say something, anything, to respond.  And just like I felt with the doctor, he needed that moment so he could give me the moment I needed.

He said, “I love you.  One day at a time, one step at a time, I am here and I will hold you when no one else can or will.  I will always love you.”  

And I cried.  Right on a corner in Brooklyn, I cried my eyes out.

And for the second time in one day, I had that moment.  The moment when it all becomes clear.  When you finally get it, the moment that changes it all.  His love.  His support.  That was what was different about this battle in comparison to all the other battles I had already fought.  I was with him now, he was leading the charge.

He gave me the strength I couldn’t find.  The words that escaped me flowed freely from his mouth.  He loved me, regardless and what I needed, he would find, what help I needed, he would give.

So I knew I was going to take whatever steps I needed to ensure that those fears that crept into my brain at that moment didn’t have two seconds to linger in the universe. I was going to take control. I was not going to be a victim, I was going to try to put and keep things in perspective. And when I need help, I was going to ask for it. And when I was overwhelmed I was going to learn to admit it.

But above all else at the end of the day I knew one thing was true, I was going to try my hardest to beat this.  I was going to remain vigilant in the cause, I wasn’t going to give up.  I wasn’t going to give in.  I couldn’t give up because he never would.  He would fight until his last day just to be with me.  And I owed him the same fight.

We quickly began to realize on my bad days the hardest thing for me to do is believe I am going to feel better.  Because in those moments, since you try to live in the moment, I don’t believe it.  And it goes even further than that, it is almost impossible to believe.

I am thankful that I am alive and breathing and able to move and talk, my husband reminds me of that often.  

But there is always a “but” which I reminded him of as well.  He walked towards me, his hands clasped my face.  “I know this is hard to believe.  But you are going to get better.  Both my parents died of cancer, I know what pain looks like.  You are in pain, you are sad.  I know.  But please hold on.  We have a kid to raise and I can’t do this without you.”

Tears ran freely down my face.

“I am trying.”  I sobbed hysterically.  “All I can do is try.  But you have to let me feel what I am feeling about it.  Because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean I have to automatically be on super high energy positive mode.  I am not.  I am sick.  I feel sick.  I look sick.  And I want you to go somewhere else with all this positive over negative nonsense right now so I can breathe in a way that doesn’t leave me wincing or nauseous.”

I knew he was trying.  But the truth was I was trying too.  Being married, working full time and having a child had their own tolls to pay.  But this, this just added to the pile of crazy shit that I thought was my life.  

He shook his head at me.   “Be grateful, Desiree.  Always be grateful.”  As if he read my mind.  I sat on the edge of my bed and let what just happened between the two of us sink in.

He walked out of the room, leaving the shame to burn my cheeks.  There was no doubt I was sick and in pain.  It was very obvious in my waddle of a walk since my hips hurt too much to sway them.  It was also pretty clear in my labored breathing when walking up the steps to just about anywhere.  It was also evident in my inability to sit at my desk for too long without being in agony.  I had an awful upper respiratory infection every other month because of the immunosuppressant drugs I am on to keep the Lupus at bay by shutting down my immune system.  I had constant stomach aches from the antimalarial drug that helps my body to allow my organs to fortify themselves against my immune system.  Since that is their enemy.  Everything hurt.  All the time and I couldn’t handle it.

He came back in and hugged me and I placed my face on his chest, “I will try harder, I know it could be worse but it could be better.  Can you admit that at least?”  He laughed.  Then I laughed.  And we were quickly back to our way.

I won’t lie to you, I am not at the point where I can just accept that I will feel better.  I exist in a space of wanting something that isn’t possible to have and I am measuring everything up to that standard.  So when I do feel better, I often find myself wondering when I am not going to feel good.  Almost preparing myself for it, I live in the good moments anticipating the bad which is obviously not what I want to do.

So in other words, in my mind if I am not pain free, it is just not good enough.

And most everyday something hurts.

I know that I have to accept that living a pain free life may not be in the cards for me. I’m going to have good days but there will also be bad ones. It is the nature of the disease. It is all in the way I approach it.

The passage in the book ringing through my brain again, like a song.  Become a lake.  I have to become a lake.

I was very honest when I said “There isn’t a day that I wake up and I have no pain, it’s hard to stay positive through that” because it really is hard. There are emotional things I have been through in my life that have broken me and I have always been able to gather up the pieces and put it back together. But when you struggle with normal mundane things like typing, sitting for too long, walking down the stairs - it can wear your spirit down.  When you have to learn to become another person, it is a really hard decision to make when you are in love with the person you already are.

You begin to feel old, defeated and sad.  You feel broken.  Irreparable. Lonely.

I found myself in full pity mode. I wanted to stay in bed and cry. To curl up and just shut the world out.  I couldn’t become a lake, I didn’t have it in me.

There are days when my first thought of the morning is THIS IS NOT FAIR.  Of course this doesn’t set the tone of the day as anything but negative. So I get up. And I push.  One step in front of the other, one breath after the next.  Breathe and proceed, just breathe and proceed.  I chanted this at times in my head and on particularly bad days, I still do.  But usually after one crying fit and one much needed hug from my husband, I wrap my head around being BIGGER than this and about not letting this define me.

I put it into perspective.

I am going to live this day. It was given to me so I am going to take it. Even if it is not perfect, it is still a gift and I should treat it that way. Maybe today I am not 100%, no one was promised good health and there are plenty of other people out there who are worse off than me.  There are plenty of people who didn’t get to see this day, who are in more pain than I am in.  

There are people who live and breathe and still have the strength to dance.

And I want to dance too.  So when my husband wraps me in his arms and we waltz around the living room to a song only we hear, I go for it.  And when our daughter jumps in – we dance.

Here I am, taking the baby steps but wanting to leap and soar…

I guess I have to learn that I will one day again.  Someday soon.  And then we can really dance…

[smhtaehyung]

when all daisies disappear🌼|| chapter 15

• masterlist

• Pairing: taehyung x OC (mental hospital au)

• Genre: angst, fluff, smut, romance

• Word count: 5.9k

• Warning: swearing, will contain themes such as suicidal thoughts,depression and mentions of physical violence. Some of the backstory for Taehyung’s character is taken from the BTS concepts during the hyyh era. If you feel uncomfortable with the topic of mental illness, I advise you not to read further.

•••

chapter 15 ➸ 38🌼

The next couple of days were troubling for the both of us. Ever since our passionate night and that awful following morning, both of us started feeling uneasy and unsure of our emotions and thoughts. Being forced to take medication made us feel even more miserable. It suddenly changed everything, catching us completely off guard. Taehyung's dosage has been upped almost twice as much as the usual, and I was forced to take all my medication because of a promise I made to Jiyu. We were too confused without the medication, let alone taking so much of it and forgetting our trail of thoughts. The nights were the worst. We would take them and the entire night would be wasted, leaving us grumpy yet numb the entire next day until another dosage. Especially nights like this one.

“Mouse.“ I tiredly spoke, noticing his sleepiness. “Hmm?“ He hummed, desperately trying to keep his eyes opened, the sleeping pills working taking a toll on him. He was sprawled out on the bed, his soft lips shut together as his head pointed to a ceiling. "Look. I put more daisies here." I spoke with a numb look on my face. Taehyung's tired out body barely moved as he listened to my words. "Baby. Look." I desperately whispered, making him turn his head towards me. He managed to slightly pry his eyes open with a strong will of his brain. "They're beautiful." He whispered, observing the vase I slid across the table near the window. I taped a few to the wall, just like Taehyung always did when he would bring fresh daisies to the room.

"Are you okay?" I softly asked, only getting a hum of reasurrement from him. "Come...here." He spoke and stretched his arm out to me. "I want to cuddle." He whispered. "You sure?" I questioned. "Let me feel you, even if I can't feel it." He spoke as his eyebrows furrowed, creating a confused face as his eyes were gently closed. He knew he was talking gibberish but couldn't stop his mind from doing so. “Ah, Mouse-” I shook my head and walked over to him. He looked so peaceful, yet in all that peacefulness there was such a reluctance that his own not drugged self tried to break through. Taehyung  somehow managed to sit up, positioning his back to lean against the cold wall. I stood by the bed on his side until he gently grabbed my arm and pulled my entire body onto him, making me straddle his lap. I slightly stiffened, trying to dig out my sober self to observe if he’s in pain. He scrunched his nose slightly, feeling some kind of discomfort for a brief second. His discomfort was soon replaced by a soft kiss he pressed onto my jawline, his lips lazily dragging themselves down my neck. I let him do what he wanted, arching my back at every touch I felt graze my skin. He stroked my bare thighs, playing with the hem of my panties. Taehyung’s hand travelled to my heat, cupping me gently. I softly removed his hand away. “Taehyung-ah. Now? Really? You’re going to fall asleep in a matter of seconds.” I spoke gently as I timidly stroked his cheek. ”Then don’t let me fall asleep.” Taehyung mumbled, guiding my hands to his crotch. “Mouse, no.” I spoke and looked down, moving my hands away from him. “What’s wrong, Ji? You know I’d touch you even if I wasn’t on my pills right now.” He spoke and continued, this time opening his tired eyes almost fully. “I don’t know why they are sedating me this much. I can touch you. Isn’t that important?” He spoke, making me look into his eyes. “I get that, but Taehyung, you’re not here to be able to touch me. There are a lot of other things that unfortunately got you stuck in here.” I explained my thoughts, slighting shifting up and down his leg. He spread his legs a bit further, making me glance at his visible bulge.

”But, I just don’t want to get sedated. It’s so fucking annoying.” He spoke as he shook his head, looking to his right as he instantly became upset. I stroked his cheek with my hand and guided his head back to look at me. He was slightly pouting, looking at me before he spoke again. “It makes me just run away from here. It gets bad, and I hate how everyone-Jimin, Hoseok, Namjoon, everyone  knows where I am.” He sighed again. "What did you talk about with Jimin and Hoseok?" I asked as I felt Taehyung stroke my upper arm. “The same stuff I talked about with Namjoon hyung. I don’t want to go back to them, Jia. It’s best if we all get separated like we did before, because it can only bring trouble.” He gently explained, trying to desperately make sense. “But, Mouse-you shouldn’t let those things bother you. You should just-” I tried to reason with him and comfort him, but Taehyung had something else in mind. “Let’s run away together-” He quickly spoke, cutting me off. widened my eyes and felt my heart jump. I slowly scooted away from him, moving down his upper thighs to the position above his knees. “Mouse, don’t speak nonsense. You’re on a lot of meds right now, and-” I tried to speak but he cut me off again. “I’m serious.” He spoke again, holding my hips so I couldn’t get away from him. “That’s ridiculous. Don’t you know what could happen if they find us? If the police find you?” I spoke up and continued, staring deeply into his eyes. “The court told you that if you don’t follow this program and try to escape this place, you might end up in prison-for for what you did. Don’t say that stuff so easily, Mouse. It’s not that simple-” I explained and moved away, escaping his grip on my hips. I tried to get off the bed, but he flipped me over, making my back hit the soft covers. He hovered over me and pressed his lips against my ear. “I can’t stand being here the entire year. Who knows when you’ll get out, too. What if you get out before me, or even worse, if you’re stuck here for many years like you already are. How can you deal with that, Ji?” he whispered and moved away from my ear as he pressed his forehead against mine.

“I’m tired of it too, Taehyung. But  how can I leave after all these years? I’m scared what’s out there. And I don’t want to get in trouble.“ I spoke, trying to avoid the intense gaze he had on me. “But you don’t have to face with your past. And I don’t have to either. We can figure it out, together. I hate seeing you stay in here for so long. So long, and it’s not helping at all.“ He spoke, his sentences slightly cut off, almost not making sense through his barely audible speech. “Taehyung. Don’t risk your freedom for such a damaging life that’s out there when we’re on the run-“ I tried to convince him it was a bad idea, feeling my breathing become quicker under him. “I’m not free.“ he cut me off, the pained expression appearing on his face. “No institution could ever help me accept what I did. I’m tortured by my own regrets. I can’t escape that, Jia-I can’t.“ He spoke in a hurtful tone, making me softly kiss his lips. “It’s better in here than in a prison, Mouse. how could you go there-“ I spoke, only to get a distracted voice once again from him. “in prison, or here - it’s all the same. Nothing won’t change the fact how I feel when everywhere feels the same with my thoughts. I even deserve prison more-“ he spoke again, but I immediately cut him off, reaching for his ear to softly press kisses and to speak. “You don’t deserve to rot in prison, Taehyung. That man ruined your life. You would have never done what you did if things were different. And if you could turn back time.“ I spoke softly, making him slightly shiver. We spent almost a full minute in silence, our soft breaths becoming synchronized as he nuzzled his head towards my cheek and lips.

“Please, Jia.“ He breathed out, making my neck tingle from his hot breath. “I don’t know Taehyung, aren’t you scared? Are you thinking this through?“ I whispered, feeling myself come apart hopelessly. “I’m so scared. But I’d rather know what’s it like to be far away from here. Far away from the pills. They’re not going to find me. And I won’t let them do anything to you. Let’s just both start somewhere new. I finally have you.” He bumbled and continued. “As long as you’re with me, I have nothing left to lose-” he softly spoke, emotions washing over both of us. “Please, baby.“ he spoke as he lazily brushed his lips against mine. “We can figure out where to go-“ He continued convincing me as my mind blanked out, focusing on my own thoughts

I always complained about this place. the way it only focused on medication and tried to desperately avoided any talk therapy, a comfort it could offer with words. Even when we would get offered to talk, the psychiatrists only focused on medication process we were forced to take to shut us up and make us feel numb as a main goal of each day. I started to give in to Taehyung's idea, somehow making more sense with every encouraging word he spoke. If I was alone, I couldn't escape this place. Having him with me might spark a new start. And why wouldn't I want to start my life? Why wouldn't I get away from everything bad that held me attached to this place? Away from family, away from a thought of Jinhwan, away from the pills and forced conversations. Being with Taehyung while getting away seemed the only hopeful thing we could cherish guilt-free. Both being scared was comforting as much as it seemed difficult and hopeless.

"Stop." I spoke and pressed my finger onto his lips, shushing him from trying to convince me. He observed me with a stunned look on his face, waiting for me to speak. "Okay, Mouse. I'll go with you." I spoke as I greedily stared into his eyes. He couldn't believe my words for a brief second. After a few long seconds, he sighed in relief and leaned in to brush his forehead against mine. His lips lazily brushed against my bottom lip, devouring it. I parted my mouth and let him deepen the kiss. "Thank you." He clingily whispered, feeling himself finally wake up. I kissed him back, parting his lips open with my tongue. He took the initiative and started kissing me using his own tongue, making me choke out a moan as his broad chest blocked my view of the opposite side of the room. "Can I touch you?" I whispered in a greedy tone, making him slowly grind himself onto me. "Yeah, please. I really want that." He spoke, trying to convince me he's okay with it. "You're not going to feel bad in the morning?" I spoke again, restraining my hands from touching him. "I won't. I know I'm slightly drugged right now, but I would reassure you that I'm fine with it even if I wasn't." He spoke and continued, pressing his saliva coated lips against my ear. "I'll tell you when it hurts - but it's becoming more enjoyable every second. It's nothing like what happened that morning a few days ago." Taehyung spoke, making me close my eyes and focus on his words. "I just wasn't in a right mindset and I wanted to ask you to run away with me that morning. I was awake the whole time while I was holding you, Jia." Taehyung sincerely spoke, making me notice the depth his voice and words reached. "Really?" I whispered, feeling his soft hair press against my lips. "I was over thinking it hard. And it made me snap. I promise I'll tell you the next time. I'm sorry I made you worried." Taehyung spoke, closing his eyes as he slowly blinked a few times. “Okay.” I whisper whilst nodding, stroking his cheeks. He eased his head into the palms of my hands, softly letting out noises that I couldn’t quite define.

I kept kissing his lips, deepening the kiss with each second passing by. He hovered over me as he brushed his crotch against my core. His hand travelled down to my upper thigh and spread it apart from my other thigh. He positioned his knee in the empty space between my legs and waited for me to grind against him. I started to rub myself onto his leg, the friction making me throw my head back into the soft pillows. I gently grabbed his neck and guided him to kiss me. His tongue immediately toyed with mine, making me submissive by his dominant technique. I moaned at the sensation once I felt him suck on my bottom lip. I did him a favour back, catching his bottom lip between my teeth too. He moaned my name out, his hands reaching down to stroke my hips. He lifted my shirt slightly up, exposing my stomach. “Mouse?” I moaned his name out, wanting to ask a question. “Hmm?” He said under his breath as his lips attached to my neck.

"Do you prefer touching, or being touched by me?" I questioned, slightly tugging at the hair on the back of his head. “Tonight, I want to be touched.” Taehyung whispered to my hair, making me wonder if that was another way of him saying he wants to feel the pain he thinks he deserves. “How do you want me to touch you?” I asked a question again, wanting to check the boundaries but also accidentally making the moment of intimacy between us even hotter than it was. “Mmmm, I really like the way you kissed the tip of my-uhm.” He spoke shyly, checking with himself if it was okay to just blurt it out or actually think about it. “Okay.” I softly giggled, grabbing him by his shirt closer to me. “Flip me over.” I spoke softly. He immediately reacted, positioning himself on one elbow and with a swoop pulled me with his other arm on top of him. I moaned once I bounced on his now hardened length, hitting my clitoris spot on. I got lost in the moment, not being able to decide whether it was the mellow high of the pills or the arousal creeping up hard on me. I started to grind onto him, the thinness of my underwear being enough to get a sensitive friction on my wet core. I looked up and closed my eyes, my hips moving in circles as his member kept rubbing hard against my clit. I opened my eyes and looked at Taehyung. He was hungrily observing me, biting down on his lip hard. “Fuck, you look so hot like that.” He spoke as he kept staring at me. He kept his arms and hands restrained, making me get myself off by just holding onto him and grinding on him like that. His dick gently twitched with every moan I let out, making the tightness in his pants feel painful. I looked down to his bottom half, noticing his painfully restricted member. “It hurts doesn’t it?” I said as I rubbed against him one more time. “A little bit-y-yeah. But keep going if you’re en-enjoying it.” He slightly grunted, his dick twitching multiple times to break free. “Just a little bit more.” I desperately whispered, feeling my panties dampen as I rubbed onto him with less force so it wouldn’t put much more pressure to his erection. “Fuck.” I spoke as I felt his hand grip my hip. He couldn’t restrain his hands anymore. I rubbed myself onto him a couple of times, making his lips let out high pitched moans. “You’re so hard, I can’t imagine how it must hurt.” I spoke, undoing his belt. I moved off of him, observing the way his face scrunched once he looked down to his painfully strained dick in his pants. “Sit on the edge.” I told him and he did so, obeying everything I said. He licked his lips and watch me crawl over to him. I moved off the bed, catching him staring at my ass. I went on my knees, my head dangerously close to his crotch. I left a kiss on his clothed length, kissing the tip that was visible through the hard fabric of his pants. “Ahh.” He moaned, immediately throwing his head back. 

“Taehyung?” I called his name out, slight unsureness in my voice. “Yeah, baby?” He let out his deep voice, his eyes completely closed. “I don’t know how to suck you-” I started talking, immediately catching his full attention. He opened his eyes and looked down to me. I sat in silence for a brief second. “I never done that. Can you guide me?” I shyly spoke, making him giggle. “You’re a natural then, the way you kiss it is amazing. I’ve never felt something like that from any girl.” He praised me, making my cheeks flush slightly. “I’ll guide you, Ji. You don’t need to worry.” He spoke and cupped my cheek, making me ease into his hand for a brief moment. I smiled and continued undoing his belt, both of our facial expressions darkening after being washed over by arousal once again. He bit his lip, loving the way of feeling my fingers so close to his big strained boner. I gently unzipped his pants, earning a slightly pained moan from Taehyung, his dick not being able to break completely free. It was painful to get it out, so I softly tugged his pants down to free his testicles and his member. I pushed the pants down his tanned thighs, making them fall to his ankles. “Ahhh.” He moaned out in relief, loving the way his thin underwear was the only thing that was restraining him. I placed kisses down his length all the way to his tip. His underwear began seeping his precum, the wet spot on his underwear making my mouth water. “Take them off, please.” He desperately moaned, letting his head fall back. 

He slightly lifted himself up, letting me slide his underwear down to his ankles too. He moaned at the feeling of sudden freedom. I leaned in closer to him, noticing he was already twitching by a lack of touch. I pressed my lips against the tip of his erected penis, immediately dragging a sensitive moan out of him. I started kissing on his tip like I would kiss his mouth, making him stroke my hair as he whispered profanities. “Fuck, baby.“ He whispered in an accent, making me clench my thighs together. I continued kissing his tip and around it, loving the feeling of his dick pressed against my lips. He continued to moan out, all sensitive under my touch and my lips. He opened his eyes and looked down to me, completely loving the sight. “Lick it, please.“ He pleaded, running his fingers through my hair and taking a grip of the hair on the back of my hair. I did as he told me and began leaving long licks against his tip and up and down his length. “Yeah, just like that.“ He moaned, shutting his eyes out of pleasure. “Now move u-up and lick fast on my tip.“ He sad whilst biting his lip, helping by guiding my head to the tip of his penis. I immediately started to kitten lick his tip, making his hips move up and his voice let out uncontrollable moans. I closed my eyes and let myself fall under that erotic moment completely. “N-now suck the tip bit.“ He spoke, losing all of his shyness. I did as he told me, taking the tip in my mouth and sucking onto it like I would a lollipop. “Jia.“ He moaned, lifting his hips up as his length started to go down my throat. “Take it in and suck it with your pretty mouth up and down.“ He spoke dirtily, making my hand sneak to my throbbing clit. I massaged it for a little bit, desperate to feel some friction. “You’re so fucking hot.“ He spoke, biting his lip as he moved his hips on purpose to hit the back of my throat. I took his entire length in and started off sucking him with a steady pace, trying to take him as deep as I could. “You’re so good.” He praised me, making me bob on him even more. “Use your hand and stroke me.“ He spoke, making me remove the hand from my clothed clit to his saliva and precum coated member. I started to stroke the base and shaft of his dick up and down, my hand softly bumping into my drooled chin as I did so. 

"O-Oh." He moaned out, feeling bliss as he blankly stared up to the ceiling. "Harder. Faster-I-I think I'm close." He mumbled, desperate to move his hips. I upped the pace completely, making him only more aroused as he saw me gag on his dick, my hand desperately stroking him. He guided me by my hair down to take him even deeper. He started to move his hips up, face fucking me. I moaned at the sensation, my mouth completely full. His movements sped up, but I had in mind another way to make him cum. I moved away, making him groan and look at me confusedly from a sudden lack of contact. "I'm so close, don't stop." He desperately moaned, trying to move his dick to brush against my mouth. "I know how I want to make you cum." I spoke and moved my attention back to him. Mouse raised his eyebrow at me. "Yeah?" He questioned my sudden lead and independence. I gripped his thighs so he couldn't move. I started attacking his tip with kitten-licks, catching him completely unready. He began moaning uncontrollably, biting down on his lip so that he wouldn't be too loud. "Don't stop." He spoke whilst he rested his head back, wanting to push his length inside of my mouth, but I made him sensitive even more by licking and kissing his tip like that. One final long lick was enough for him as his erected penis twitched, causing his entire body to clench as he shot his seed to the back of my tongue. He shut his eyes as his orgasm washed over him. He blankly looked back to the ceiling and down to me, observing the way I swallowed all of his semen. He licked his lips and stroked my cheek, observing me with admiration from above.

His sweaty forehead made some of his hairs stuck together and some of the sweat on his chest was stuck to his white shirt. I couldn't escape the focus from the fire pit in my stomach, the knot of arousal making me greedy for a touch. I started to rub my thighs together, making Taehyung instantly notice. "How do you want me to help you with that?" He seductively spoke, pulling me in for a kiss. I stood up and straddled his lap. Taehyung took off his shirt from feeling the hot wave from his orgasm wash over him. "You want me to use my hands that you adore so much? Hmm?" He spoke, quite harshly biting down on my neck. "Yeah." I moaned as I arched my back and accidentally felt my clit brush against his firm thigh. Taehyung flipped me over and let my head fall onto his pillow. He immediately spread my thighs apart, not wanting to tease me. He pulled my t-shirt up, slightly stiffening from feeling my skin, but as soon as his hands found my bare breasts, he squeezed them with ease. "Ahh, Mouse." I moaned, feeling my nipples harden under his fingers. I pulled my t-shirt of and let my back hit the soft bed again. He moaned upon seeing my pale naked body like that, licking his lips as he went down to slide my underwear off. He pulled them off with ease, his fingers brushing against my inner thighs. When he went back up to kiss me, I noticed his newly hardened length, poking the side of my thigh. "Fuck you're hard already?" I moaned out, feeling his lips part and sloppily kiss me. He giggled and let his fingers trail down my abdomen and all the way to my slit. He positioned himself on his elbow and observed my dripping pussy that desperately thrived for contact. He started to press slow and wide circles around my clit, making me arch my back from the sensitivity. Every time I arched my back, Taehyung would lean to my right breast and licked, kissed and gently bit my hardened nipple, making me moan at the tingling sensation.

I started to grind onto his hand, motioning for him to go faster. He moved his long fingers to my entrance and slipped his middle and ring finger in, immediately curling them. I moaned loudly as I didn't expect him to immediately finger fuck me. I glanced down to his hardened member, making me bite my lip. "You want me to help you?" I giggled, making him immediately moan. Without a thought, I wrapped my fingers around his big member, stroking him fast. He moaned my name out and slipped his fingers in and out, moving to my clit and then back to my hole, making me shut my mouth to not moan loudly. I felt my stomach clench and my clit become sensitive once I felt my climax approaching. I stroked him fast, the sloppy sounds from the both of us echo through the room. I slightly clenched my grip once his pretty fingers circled inside of me, hitting my g-spot. He moaned and started to fuck himself into m hand. "M-Mouse, I'm close." I whispered in a stutter and began grinding myself onto his pretty hand. "M-Me too, ahh." He moved his fingers to my clit and began rubbing fast and harsh circles, making me squirm under his hand. His lips moved to my neck, licking and kissing the soft flesh. I threw my head back and held him by his hair as I kept moaning his name out. The sensitivity took over his body completely, making him reach his 2nd orgasm. "Ahh-I'm cumming." He moaned out and shut his eyes. Not wanting to lose his focus on me, he sped up his hand, not letting his orgasm slow him down. I observed his pretty face as he bit his lip, cumming for the 2nd time. His semen spilled onto my thigh, his penis becoming limp from his orgasm. His sweaty golden skin immediately caught my attention, as well as his fucked out face.

My moans quickened and Taehyung rubbed me even faster, knowing I'm almost reaching my orgasm. I grinded onto his hand hard, observing his desperate need to make me cum. I lifted my hips up and stiffened as I shut my eyes tightly. With one last moan of his name, I felt my orgasm wash over me. I gripped the strands of his soft hair that I kept safe in my fingers. I opened my eyes after feeling the bliss, slowly moving my hips in circles. His eyes moved to look at me, loving the way I looked so blissful and blank. He moved his hand from my heat and cupped my cheek, kissing me softly. I calmed down and observed him in admiration, completely getting lost in his facial features. I covered the both of us and turned towards him, focusing on his lips. "Mouse." I whispered, trying to get his full attention. "Hmm?" He raised the tone into a question as he took one of his tissues and cleaned the cum that got stuck to my thigh. He cleaned his hands too as he stared into my eyes. "We're really doing that? We're running away?" I asked, trying to lose myself in his wandering eyes. He stared into my eyes as he discarded the tissue to the bin beside his bed. “Yeah.” he softly spoke, smiling to himself. “It’s going to be alright, right?” I asked, desperate to find confidence in his voice. “Let me worry about it, Ji. It’s going to be great.” He spoke and cupped my cheek, pressing his lips onto mine. I nodded and eased into his touch. he observed me for a few seconds before I spoke again. “Do you want those cuddle now? I mean-that was the whole purpose of this before we fooled around.” I giggled, making his boxy smile appear across his face. “I’d love that.” He spoke and before I could make sure he was okay with it, he cut me off by placing his fingers onto my lips. “I’m sure.” He whispered and replaced his fingers with his lips onto mine. He pulled me in for a hug as he held his breath slightly, his orgasm slightly sobering him up from the mellow high of the pills.

He laid on his back and let me nuzzle my head close to his heart. My hair brushed against his shoulder and his fingers sneaked their way to play with my fingers that rested on his stomach. I felt his heartbeat slightly speed up, his soft and thin flesh not able to block out the noise of his loving and loud heart beat. He let me cuddle close to him, our bare bodies pressed together. He breathed in and out, feeling himself completely calm down. I smiled upon feeling him relax, both of us closing our eyes. “Jia?” He whispered my name in that intimate moment we shared. “Yeah?” I sightly opened my eyes, letting him speak. “Read your letters to me.“ He spoke, making me look into his eyes. “You’re really curious about them, aren’t you?” I spoke, making him giggle. “Did you read any of them?” He questioned, making me immediately answer “67.” I answered as he widened his eyes.

I wish I could tell him I remember what each letter said and who wrote it, but the state of my medicated self for these past few days was stopping me to remember and to understand every single word written on those papers. I only remembered some details. Some details like my little sister’s drawing of a really weird looking dragon, that for a 10 year old really looks impressive. I remember the beautiful handwriting of Jinhwan’s mother as she kept telling me how lovely Jinhwan talked about me. I remember some of my mother’s words full of  desperate hope that I would be reading her letters. And I felt really bad for reading them years later. But through those details, I got to know many things. My father got promoted on his job about two years ago and they prepared him a surprise party. They also got a dog about three months ago, and named it Ji in honouring me. Being medicated, I slightly took offence that they named a dog after me, but felt at peace once realising how beautiful the thought behind it actually was. I found out my mother opened a tailoring shop, something she always wanted. I even found out some of my friends got drunken tattoos and that some of them still help my family out and hang out with them like they used to when we were kids. Some of my cousins even learned a useful life lesson to pay their parking tickets as they almost ended up in jail. Firstly, to me it was surprising they owned cars, remembering the small kids my age that I couldn’t quite picture how they look like all grow up now. And of course, I remember the crumpled daisies in my pockets that I kept storing at after pulling them out of the envelopes. I found extra daisies in the family box, letters softly pressed onto them.

“You’re a fast reader.“ He spoke whilst stroking my hair. I giggled and moved from his warm body to reach for my nightstand. I took a few letters in my hands and crawled back to Taehyung, loving the way his warmth was brought back to me. “68.“ He spoke whilst I was opening a letter from my aunt. He closed his eyes and began listening to every word I read out. This letter was one of the most recent ones, and the shortest ones that talked about how even my auntie and uncle met the new puppy as a part of the family. They all gathered at the house for my mother’s birthday, and wished really hard that I would come home soon. “You’re still my favourite Ji.“ I read out the last sentence out loud, slightly giggling to myself at the thought of naming the dog after me. Taehyung chuckled too, making me feel vibrations of his chest hit my ear. He took the daisy out of the envelope and brushed it against my nose, making me giggle. “Next one?” I asked, making him instantly nod. I took another letter and gently opened the pastel blue envelope, that one being from one of my cousins. “69.” Taehyung counted and immediately chuckled in a dirty manner. I looked up to his eyes and rolled my eyes. “Ahh, why are you like that?” I playfully asked, shaking my head at his dirty thoughts. He pressed a kiss onto the top of my head and listened to my reading once again.

I began reading, getting lost in those words that after many years made me homesick. Taehyung listened carefully, both of us relaxing by the soft sounds of my words that filled the entire room. I read for a long time, crossing the 100 count of the letters that entire night. He loved hearing about my past and how lovely it all seemed. In a way, it helped him escape his own troubled past and wondered why I was desperately running away from mine. As I finished the 103rd letter, painfully discarding most of withered daisies beside us, I felt his soft breathing against my forehead and his chest moving up and down as he was slowly falling asleep. I started to drift off to sleep too, loving the way Taehyung was completely relaxed as he held me in his arms.

I felt myself entering a new world this intimate night. It didn’t take me long to fall asleep onto his caring heart, the sound of it beating helping me enter into a deep sleep. I found myself being aware I was dreaming as I vividly dreamed about Taehyung in some kind of a garden. He was in all black, something that never happened before my eyes. He was sitting in a corner of a colourful room. The room was filled with flowers, mostly roses. It made me wonder why there weren’t many daisies, but as I walked towards his figure I observed his hands that caressed the water and flowers in front of him. Then, a sunlight hit his face, making him glow and sink in the rays into his pretty tanned skin. All of that vivid scenery made me think of him as a human flower. A flower that was so fragile. A flower that was the most beautiful flower there amongst other plants. a lovely flower that loved the sun rays and caressed the water with his hands as petals.

part 16

[evolutionsvoid]

I honestly never imagined I would work for a private company, especially with my background. For the longest time I felt certain and secure in my position with the university, so sure that petty things like funding and grants would never dry up. Then one day they tell you that there is no room in the budget for you and that is that. After all those years of research and work, you are just kicked to the curb with nothing but a big fancy science degree that no one really cares about. Yes, having a PhD in genetics sounds wonderful in the world of academia, but out in the real world it just translates to "big know-it-all who costs more than some undergrad." I tried to get into other programs and universities, but their ships were already full. All the other smart science folk clinging to whatever life rafts they have, knowing that once that program sinks, they will drown just like me. What you get is just pity and half-hearted assurances of "well, if something opens up, we will let you know." It is either that, or some bozo telling you to go after a smaller position, that demanding things like health insurance and higher pay is foolish. "Just start small and work yourself back up," they say. "You can't expect someone to just take you in as some lab manager right off the bat. You got to work for that." If I was fresh out of college, yeah that may have been good advice, but when you have things like insurance, taxes and a mortgage, you can't exactly be accepting minimum wage.    So there I was, trying to find any form of work when I was contacted by this company called Gen-Core. I had heard about them before, but had never really put any thought into going into that line of work. They were a huge company that worked with genetics and technology that took advantage of that field. While they did produce some high-class equipment, they also had always seemed shady to me. They did good work, but their methods and morals always seemed questionable and profit-based. Working for them felt like the equivalent of working for Monsanto, just selling your soul to do some nasty CEO's bidding. But when you are faced with a mountain of bills and a quickly fading future, a devil's deal didn't seem so bad. So when they called me up that day, I listened. They wanted me to come in and work on a huge project of theirs. It was top secret, so they didn't give much in sakes of details, but they did list a nice fat number when it came to a salary. While the money was enough to make me drool, the mystery of the project also piqued my curiosity. The work would be done in a remote location, with housing provided at the lab itself. I would be flown in with a team of other scientists to work non-stop on this top-secret project. If all went well, we would be going home rich and famous. It honestly sounded like a line you would feed to a washed up actor, but I took the bait. Things were not going well for me here, so why not take the risk and give it a shot? If it turned out to be some cult or an organ-harvesting scam, then at least I wouldn't have to worry about bills again. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    While being brought into Gen-Core and this top-secret project seemed shady at first, I started to get excited as the process went along. Though there were many meetings and a forest's worth of paperwork, the mystery and secrecy started to make me feel like I was some kind of secret agent. Going through all these trainings and the constant talk of confidentiality made me fantasize that I was being brought in to study aliens and other science fiction nonsense. It seems silly to feel that way, but it was doing wonders for me. Only weeks before I had been depressed and wondering where everything went wrong, and now here I was being brought into some high-paying company for a tantalizingly mysterious project. When they told me that the facility was in South America, I should have been worried. Instead, I was further intrigued and even more determined to learn what was going on. If I backed out now, I would forever be wondering what they were doing there. So in the end, despite all the secrecy and forms, I shook hands with Gen-Core and prepared for my trip down south. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   When you do research in academia, you are constantly pinching pennies and keeping a close watch over your budget. So many corners are cut and so many projects are cored out to compensate for such things. In that line of work you sneer and turn your nose up at the scientists who sell themselves out to big Pharma and other money-grabbing companies. You talk about how they are contorting science to just make money, and you shake your head in shame when you see them flinging millions of dollars around like it was worthless confetti. When you start working for one of these rich, "corrupt" companies, though, your view changes quite a bit. Sitting in their company jet on a cozy flight to South America will make you start wishing such treatment never stopped. It certainly made me loath the idea of ever flying coach again! In a few hours, I would be touching down somewhere in Brazil, where I would meet with a driver who would take me to the facility. It would be a long drive to out in the middle of nowhere, and that would be the place I would call home for the next few months. That would also be where I finally meet the rest of the team, as they were being brought in from all over the world. Either this would be an amazing opportunity to work on some world-changing project, or I was going to wind up being one of those hostage scientists for a James Bond villain. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    When I finally got to see the facility, I was blown away. It looked almost exactly like one of those secret labs you would see in some spy movie or science fiction film. Tall barbed wire fences separating the facility from wild jungle and layers of gates and checkpoints that seemed to stop you every five feet. The building itself was a slab of concrete and metal, so armored and bulky that I was positive it was built to withstand a bunker buster. Unfortunately my brain compared it to a high-security prison, which you never wanted to think about when you called such a structure home. Right here was most definitely the point of no return. You couldn't exactly call it quits after seeing a place like this. I am sure I would probably get executed and my carcass thrown to the ants in the jungle. Not exactly happy thoughts to be having on your first day, but I was the one who got me wound up in this. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    At last I finally got to meet the team, and I have to say my spirits are up after seeing them. Though they were complete strangers, their interest in science and their devotion to their fields brought a lot of familiarity to the table. It's like meeting someone who has the same hobby as you, you may not know them, but you already have a lot to talk about and bond over. The rest of the team is: Dr. Kambel, who works primarily with gene sequencing; Dr. Haymond, who is a wiz when it comes to genetic engineering; Dr. Oswall, who focuses more on heredity and and the likes; and at last Dr. Taylor, whose work with genetics is mixed with the field of ornithology. Getting to talk with them was wonderful, as we all hit it off quite well. As we talked about our previous work, I recognized a lot of their projects and ideas from my academia days. Sharing stories about our research brought back a lot of good memories, and my worries from before seemed to fade. If these were the people I would be working with for the next couple of months, things were going to be just fine. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    This fantasy of being surrounded by best friends and helpful colleagues was unfortunately tainted when we met with the head of the facility. Jerry Conwel was the big boss of this place, and I could tell from the very start that he was going to be a major pain. First thing was the fact that he was clearly a business man, some CEO from Gen-Core who was brought down to run the show. Just to listen to him ramble about our backgrounds in genetics and whatnot made it painfully obvious that he knew next to nothing about the field. The way he talked about us and what we would be doing made him sound like a manager of a baseball team who never played the sport. Right off the bat I knew he would be the type of boss who would complain about the lack of progress despite having no clue how genetic engineering works.        We all received an earful from Jerry as he went over the history of Gen-Core and hyped up his own company for what seemed hours. Slide after slide of fancy looking buildings and cliche scientists holding colorful beakers, it was a joke. Everyone else was rolling their eyes or almost falling asleep. All of us had PhDs and papers published under our names, and Jerry felt the need to treat us like school children. At last, he got to the project we would be working on and we all sat up in our seats. He made a lot of hubbub about how we would be changing the world and making breakthroughs that would go down in history. At last, with great pride, he told us we would be bringing dinosaurs back to life. The room went silent, as we tried to figure out if he was joking or not. Dr. Haymond started laughing, as she was sure this was some kind of prank. Dr. Oswall wasn't too pleased with the news, as he thought this was some kind of insult to his work. To be dragged all the way here for some childish idea was ridiculous. It took a lot for Jerry to calm us down, and he tried to explain things to us. Gen-Core had recently obtained samples of dinosaur DNA and wanted to use it to bring them back to life. Such an achievement would bring world fame, as well as a boatload of money. Jerry went on about how people would go crazy for the chance to see real life dinosaurs, and such a thing would bring in an endless revenue that would finance future projects. Though he tried to make it sound noble and sciencey, I couldn't help but imagine that we were going to be making tourists traps. If we were even successful, what would come out would probably wind up at some zoo for kids to ogle and point at. Not exactly a noble goal. Regardless, we were being paid a generous amount of money to do this, and we were also kind of shackled to this project. The amount of paperwork we signed prior to getting here made it practically impossible to bail out now. If I quit and went home, they could probably arrest me the next time I farted under the claim that I had taken company resources from the cafeteria and tried to disseminate it amongst the public. So in the end, we all agreed to go forward, no matter how stupid it all sounded. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Jerry took us on a tour to show us the facility, and I think it helped win some of us over. The labs here are crammed packed with the best equipment and technology the world has to offer. I can't imagine any of us had the luxury to even have access to some of this stuff, let alone have full reign over it. There were so many labs and rooms that I am sure we could get lost in them for days. Amongst them were pens and rooms designed to hold animals and specimens, further showing how confident they were that we were going to be successful. Kambel had noticed that they had colonies of rabbits on hand, which he asked Jerry about. Jerry looked to us with a smile and told us that they were food for the raptors. So now we were bringing raptors back to life. Of course we were. We asked "why raptors" and he told us that "people don't care about things that eat grass."  The kids love raptors, which made it even more obvious that we were working to make exhibits for a zoo. So much for furthering science.    At the end of the day, Jerry laid out the plan for us. The five of us would be using this DNA to recreate raptors for the company. We had free use of the facility and anything we asked for would be given to us. Jerry would over see the whole project, keeping an eye on our progress and approving any and all decisions. That was unfortunately the one thing he made sure to beat into our heads. He was the boss, what he said was law. What made it infuriating was the fact that he still tried to act buddy-buddy with us. Going on like he was going to be a cool, laid back boss, despite the fact we all knew he was some corporate pawn. No doubt being placed as the head of such a project was going to give him a god complex. At least I have the others to talk to and rely on. Be it success or failure, I am still receiving a paycheck and surrounded by some brilliant minds. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Work on this crazy project just started, and already Jerry is being a pain in the neck. We have hardly had a chance to even glance at the samples and he is asking for a timetable. "How long will this take? When can I tell them to expect results?" He is acting like we are building a house, and he doesn't even know how to read the blueprints! We keep telling him it will take time and we will let him know, but I still catch glimpses of him haunting the halls and doorways. Thank goodness I have the others to talk to. Just one month alone with him would drive me crazy. It is probably a good thing for him that there is armed security around here, as it would keep me from strangling him. On that note, it is kind of unsettling that we have armed guards around here. Thankfully they are not hauling machine guns around, but still. It makes you wonder what they are worried about. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------     We succeeded in getting a good look at this raptor DNA sample and I have to say it is quite...odd. The strands are clearly degraded in certain parts and there is a whole slurry mixed in with it. Now, obviously, we should expect for centuries old DNA to be a little worn, but that isn't what is strange to us. There seems to be parts of the DNA and genetics that appear to have been tampered with. I know it isn't the right way to word it, but there are chunks that almost seem new. For what we thought was a raw sample, it doesn't quite fit. It is like hauling the chassis of an old car out of a scrapyard to find that it has brand new headlights. Did someone work on this before? Are we not the first ones who have been assigned to this project? If we are the second team, then what happened to the others? I am probably getting paranoid, but it is worrying. Those guards with guns seem even more frightening now. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Jerry is at it again, complaining about lack of results and progress. He keeps saying that we need to work faster and that we "should have had an egg by now." It blows my mind how ignorant and annoying he is. He acts like you can put dinosaur DNA into a chicken and have it pop out baby raptors like it was a vending machine. It's absurd. We are working as hard as we can, trying to reconstruct this sample with what we have and he is still ticked off. Like I predicted, this buddy-buddy thing is wearing off fast. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Parts of this sample don't make much sense, and we are hitting a roadblock because of it. Something about how it was preserved has added odd parts to the mix and we aren't sure how to proceed. Of course this gave Jerry a conniption and he demanded that we charge onward regardless. He keeps saying he wants a dinosaur, not excuses. We keep telling him it is delicate and slow work, but he won't hear of it. I am starting to wonder if this mysterious first team didn't just throw themselves off the top of the roof. Maybe that is why this building has so many shutters and locks. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Still doing our best to scrap together a viable sample and Jerry is throwing an ultimatum down. He wants us to attempt genome insertion within the month so that we have eggs to show to the corporate heads. Apparently the big wigs are getting restless and he wants something to impress them with. It is ridiculous. There is no way we can guarantee such a thing, but he is adamant about it. We told him that there is a huge chance something will go wrong and it will be a failure, but he doesn't care. He says he approves all shortcuts and work arounds, and that he will take the blame if something goes wrong. Yeah right.   -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    We have worked nonstop for the last couple days, and we may have a chance of pulling this off. We looked at the tampered parts of the genome and got some ideas from it. Whoever had worked on this before had made some breakthroughs, and we have been able to patch some things together by observing their handiwork. Maybe this crazy scheme will work. Maybe. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    The samples have been injected and added, and now all we have to do is wait. Maybe an egg will come out of it, but most likely not. I know all of us are worried about what will happen when Jerry finds out that this test failed. Most people would take it in stride and say try again, but I know he won't. That jerk is so obsessed with pleasing his bosses and making a name for himself that he won't take any form of failure. Clearly this guy never worked in science before. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    I can't believe it. It worked. Four eggs survived the process and we have four honest-to-goodness eggs sitting in the incubators now. Everyone is thrilled, especially Jerry. He is already calling up people about our success, even though they haven't hatched yet. Haymond has tried to tell him to not get his hopes up, as the embryos could fail to develop but he can't be stopped. At least he is happy for now, maybe this will buy us some more time. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    They hatched. I can't believe they hatched. After all the crap we pulled, all the corners we cut and we still managed to birth four raptors. Everyone is so surprised, we hardly know what to do now. Never have I expected to pull something like this off. All of us are flabbergasted, except for Jerry. He has been talking pictures and videos non stop, sending it all to his higher ups. He has been boasting our success as loud as he can and I overheard him talking about "turning up production" like this is some kind of assembly line. Right now, I don't care. I just made a freaking dinosaur. I am going to need some time to recover from that.    One odd note is that the raptors came out featherless. I wonder if the original tampered DNA had anything to do with that. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    They are only a few weeks old and Jerry is already talking about making more. He wants us cranking out samples and pumping out eggs as fast as we can, even though we haven't had any time to test and observe the young ones. For all we know, they could drop dead tomorrow. Or they could have some defects or health issues, we have no clue! For Jerry, though, he doesn't care. They aren't animals, they are products. He has already mentioned starting to work on making T-Rexes, because of course that is the next step. I am already worried about how we are going to care for four previously-extinct carnivores and he wants to keep churning them out like Furbies.          The raptors seem to be itching themselves a lot. I wonder if something is wrong with the humidity or environment of their holding pens. We should check that out. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    The raptors have been growing quite rapidly, which we can't tell is normal or not. Its not like we can waltz down to a pet store and pick up a "How-to-Raise Raptors" book. The one thing we do know is that they seem to be sick. They are making wet coughing sounds and they have been leaking from all orifices. I sure hope we didn't bring these poor things to life just so they could die from the flu. Taylor has been asking Jerry if we could contact someone or bring someone in to check on these poor creatures but he refuses. This project is not only top secret, but it is his baby. He refuses to let anyone come in and spoil it. He just keeps telling us to fix them. It makes me sick. Taylor is pretty torn up about it. He hates seeing those things suffer.    They are still scratching themselves a lot. They have started to make themselves bleed from all the itching. It is probably from the disease. I hope we can find a way to cure them soon. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Something is horribly wrong. The raptors' growth has taken an abysmal turn, and we are not sure how or why. Their scales are falling off and their bodies are forming these terrible growths. I don't think it is a sickness anymore, there is something very wrong with their bodies. We must have screwed something up with the genome, we had to have. All those shortcuts must have overlooked some issue or failure, and now these poor things are suffering because of it. They are in constant pain and they make the most horrible screeching sound. Jerry's bragging and boastfulness is gone, and he is now in "blame everyone" mode. He keeps saying we screwed something up and that he thought we were the best in our field. We just yell back that he was the one who demanded things be done in a rush, but he won't hear of it. I wonder if his higher ups are tearing into him for this failure. Haymond has seen him pacing around on the observation deck, looking at the horrible things that are suffering because of him. The phone calls he takes are a lot less happy sounding and confident. He doesn't say much about it, but I think things are going to be changing around here. Maybe they will send someone competent, but that is probably a fool's dream. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    The mutation and growths have reached a horrible level. I can't even understand what is happening to them. Malformed limbs, warped mouths and disgusting hairy growths.  The entire time these things screech and hiss as their bodies bend and twist. None of us can stand to look at them anymore. It hurts just to hear them suffer. We made the mistake of asking Jerry if we could put them down and he lost his mind. Started screaming and yelling about how this was our fault and that we ruined everything. He refuses to terminate them, saying they are the one thing we have left. He has pretty much stripped us of all clearances and authority. We can't go near their pens anymore, as he is afraid we will kill them without his permission. "Sabotage" he calls it. The raptors are locked down by his command and we are only allowed in our labs so we can continue to try to fix our errors. Jerry stays in his office all day. I haven't even seen him eat or do anything else but mope at his desk. Every phone call he has to answer seems to drain him more and more. I would feel sorry for him if it wasn't for the four tortured creatures he forced us to make. If he ever gets the heart to put them out of their misery, than maybe I could find some sympathy for him. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Something has happened, but Jerry won't tell us what. He just came storming into our lab today and demanded we destroy the samples. All of them. We were floored by the demand. He refused to tell us why, he just started yelling at us to pretty much torch everything. The samples, our work, our data, all of it. Delete it, trash it or destroy it. He wants all of it gone. Taylor asked if that meant that the raptors would be put down but Jerry didn't even look at him. I feel sorry for Taylor, as he cares so much for those poor things. We can still hear their pained cries, and I know it is tearing him up every time he hears them. Jerry just walked away, leaving us to do his bidding. We have no clue what is going on. We are all worried about what is happening. If we are purging all this stuff, then what will happen to us? If we have nothing to work on, what use are we to these twisted company?   -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    Kambel figured it out, and now I know why Jerry is so freaked out. Kambel was going through the news today and found out that Gen-Core has just been pulled into this massive lawsuit. Some other company called InGen claims that Gen-Core has stolen research and materials from them, and from the sounds of it they have a very strong case. Tons of research and samples were apparently taken from their labs, and Gen-Core was the ones behind it. No doubt all this has been used to further their own research and projects. It makes me wonder how many "breakthroughs" and products that Gen-Core has boasted about are actually based on stolen research. All of us are terrified now, as this explains why Jerry was so adamant about destroying the samples. We were eliminating evidence. Those "tampered" DNA samples weren't from some previous team Gen-Core employed, they were stolen straight from InGen. If that is the case, then this whole place is coming down. Stealing something that valuable and rare from the company will no doubt guarantee that they come at us with everything they got. Haymond claims that we shouldn't be held responsible since we didn't know, but I am worried that one scrap of paperwork out of all the crap we signed will dump all the blame on us. Even if we are scot-free, are reputations are ruined. We will always be associated with this corrupt, thieving corporation. I never should have signed on for this, never. I got greedy and now I am stuck on this sinking ship with the rest of them. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------    A helicopter just landed on the facility's grounds and that spells our doom. We heard from Jerry that an investigating team from InGen was coming to scour our facilities and prove the company's theft. I don't know what they will find after we destroyed everything, but I am sure they will come up with something. I have heard these folk are ruthless, and rightfully so. Gen-Core stole something incredibly valuable, so they are going to make sure we all burn for it. Jerry has practically barricaded himself in his office, terrified to face them. He has practically lost his mind these last couple of days. I think he finally realized that the company is not planning on saving him anytime soon. He was so sure that we would take all the blame that he didn't even think of the possibility of Gen-Core throwing him to the wolves. Poor sap. The rest of us have agreed to give these guys anything they ask for, hoping that they go easy on us. It is clear that Gen-Core has abandoned us, so why should we stick our necks out for them? If these guys tell us to strip down and do the hokey-pokey, I will do it in a heart beat. I will be as helpful as I can and do everything to show them that I am on their side. This wasn't my fault. I was just a scientist down on his luck. I didn't steal those samples, none of us did. We were tricked and we are more than happy to turn on Gen-Core and pay them back for this treachery. The investigating team just walked in, and I am ready to greet them with open arms. They don't look to happy, but then again, why should they? Jerry sure is going to get it no-    The alarms just went off and the building is going into lockdown. We have no clue what happened, but the security systems are on full blast. The shutters just came down and sealed all the doors and windows. It doesn't make any sense. What is going on? Did the InGen folk accidentally trip the alarm when walking in? It couldn't be, not with this level of lockdown. Only Jerry can control that sort of thing. Now that I think of it, he could do that from his office! But why? Was this some last ditch effort to delay the inevitable? If he was hoping to lock out the investigative team, he screwed up. They are locked in here with us! He has clearly lost his mind! Pulling a stunt like this is only going to make things worse for-    There was a gunshot, we all dropped to the floor. Everyone is hiding and ducking behind furniture, trying to figure out where the shooter is. I don't see anyone, not even the guards. Now that I have a moment to think, the gunshot didn't come from the lobby. It sounded muffled, and from down one of the halls. Like the hall where Jerry's office is. There hasn't been any other shooting, so I am starting to think the worst. Something is terribly wrong. I don't hear any more gunshots, just us cowering in our hiding spots. Wait, I do hear something. Something else in the halls. It's like a wet hissing sound, and the clicking of something on tile. Is it Jerry? Is it someone who got hit by the bullet? I have to see- no. Oh god no. No no no no no no no no. Oh god help us. Oh god no.   No No ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This has always been one of the scenarios I wish was played with Jurassic Park. I know it is far fetched and scientifically stupid, but I think it is a fun idea. I know I probably screwed up some of the science bits, but there is no way I am doing enough research to make this silly premise logically sound. I mean the serious, scientific parts of those movies have been thrown away long ago, so why not make some crazy fun out of it? They were already thinking of doing dino-human soldiers, so why not?  

[lhmayo]

12 Mind-Blowing Tips for Increasing Your Overall Positivity

Positive thinking has been often used in a wrong connotation. People abuse the power of this great practice and suggest that it will attract you money, wealth, and abundance.

“Be positive and you’ll have anything you want!”

No, you will not.

That’s nonsense and that’s not the purpose of exercising your mind to think this way. This is exactly one of the main criticisms for the movie The Secret. Just by feeling good, you can’t have anything you want.

The benefits of thinking and feeling positive emotions, however, are actually very beneficial and they will trigger other positive phenomena in your life. You’ll put both your spirit and body in a phenomenal vibration.

Happiness and joy will radiate from you everywhere you go. Life will seem much better. Your attitude will improve immensely and in turn, it will improve the world’s attitude towards you.

The reward is a blissful life full of enthusiasm and inspiration.Also, it will certainly help you in your financial endeavors. However, just the positive thinking alone won’t earn you any money.

These are some of the great practices that will put you on the right track in life:

Start Singing Even If You’re Bad Singer

Whenever life hits you hard or you experience a disappointment, start singing. Pick a song that really makes you feel great and start playing it in your head until all worries and stress go away.

The song can be one which makes you feel happy. It can be one which provokes laughter and joy in your heart.

Is there any song that you can think of which simply puts a smile on your face every single time you hear it? Probably a song you used to love when you were young child?

Good music has always been and will always be a great tool for changing the mood. It will never fail to make you more positive so consider singing whenever you can.

Turn “Belly Breathing” Into a Habit Did you know that our consciousness is highly connected to our way of breathing?

Yogis and monks have discovered a long time ago that our thoughts are directly connected to the way we breathe.

When we start breathing slowly and deep in our belly and by exploiting 100% of our lungs capacity, our thoughts seem to slow down and we become more relaxed. Therefore, this is used in almost every meditative technique. Life simply slows down, all stress leaves both the mind and body, and the individual who breathes this way gains clarity and mindfulness.

This practice will not only calm you down, it will affect your health and your overall blood circulation, too. It will boost the activity of your brain and it will never fail to improve your mood.

Breathing is the essence of life, so start doing it properly.

Simply start exercising this until it becomes a constant habit. Breathe deep in your belly and fill it like a balloon. Instead of inhaling shallow breaths in the chest only, expand your belly as much as you can.

The longer you practice this technique, the deeper and more effective your breaths will become. Your consciousness will clear and clarity and inner peace will take place.

Smile and Laugh More Often

Assuming that smiling and laughter are the opposite of crying and feeling bad or negative, just by forcing this into your life, you can’t avoid not feeling good.

Our body is the instrument of our mind. However, it it is also true that our thoughts and attitude are very much related to our body because of the way we operate. We tend to think and feel by what we see, hear, taste, smell, and touch.

So if you smile, you can instantly feel it and your mind will respond to this. You will start feeling good and positive. It will not only lift up your mood, but it will also affect everyone else that comes in contact with you.

You can decide to smile just for the sake of it or you can think of a situation, an event, a person or literally anything that puts a big smile on your face. Either one of them will work very well.

You can just go over to your mirror, look at yourself and force yourself to laugh. This works extremely well. Very soon, it will become contagious and you won’t be able to stop it.

Let’s try this right now…

Think of a little toddler trying to walk. He is learning to walk outside in the yard of his parent’s house and there’s a little puppy waiting for him just a few meters away from him.

As he is walking, he is pointing to the puppy with his tiny little fingers and he suddenly falls like a ball on the grass. He tries to stand up but he simply keeps falling down again and again. Everybody laughs and enjoys the picture.

Finally, our little toddler manages somehow to stand on his tiny feet and starts walking like a penguin towards the puppy. The moment he comes to him, he tries to kiss him with his little lips. Again, as he bends down, he loses control and falls on the ground next to the puppy. The puppy even gets scared and jumps from fear.

Now, I just totally made all that up. I couldn’t think of anything else that could make me smile at the moment. If you’re like most people, you’d probably smile when having the picture of the little toddler learning how to walk.

After thinking about this, I feel very good and very positive. You can do the same.

Smile more often and your positivity will keep increasing more and more every time you do it.

Make Your Surroundings Highly Positive

What are your friends and the people you associate with like? Is their nature positive? Are they being fun and humorous or not really?

Good company always helps!

If you happen to be around negative and depressive people, you can afford to change your lifestyle. It is very important that your surrounding is highly positive, because you will receive this energy.

It will affect you every single time!

Engage in Meditation and Yoga These two activities will never fail to boost your positivity. They will help you to gain control over your thoughts and your awareness will be heightened.

You will become aware of the present moment and what’s going on in your mind. Positive thoughts will become natural as you practice these skills.

Make Walking Outdoors a Habit

Although very simple, the effect of this single activity can be powerful. I am working from home and most of the time, I am in front of my computer.

Sometimes, this can get overwhelming and the first thing I do is go outdoors. I walk for 40 minutes in the nearest park and just observe the people, birds, trees and so on. When I come back, I am a completely new person.

I have two times more energy and I am working 3 times more productive. Just do it and see the results!

Be Helpful To Others

You know, it’s not all about you. I realized this not very long time ago. While I’ve never been too much egoistic in nature, I always cared for my feelings and my interests.

When I tried for a moment to completely shift my attention to other people’s needs and really try to help them (from the bottom of my heart), what came back to me was quite shocking.

Help other people and truly care. Don’t do it just for the sake of it, but really show some empathy and compassion. Try putting yourself in their skin and view the world through their perception. Then, do your best to help them.

You have no idea what this can do for you…

Some ideas to help you get started can include:

• Visiting the orphanage and do something special for the kids. Make them happy and prepare some intriguing surprise. • The next time you go to the subway or when you’re on a bus, be kind and give your seat to a person that needs it more than you do. • Go to the local supermarket buy some bread, some salami and cheese. Get some fruits and bottles of fresh water and perhaps some extra ingredients you’ll need. Prepare some tasty sandwiches and then go to any shelter with homeless people and give it to them wholeheartedly.

Express Gratitude 3 Times a Day

Create your gratitude journal or simply write on a sheet of paper 10 things that you’re grateful for. Then, read this list 3 times in the day – in the morning, at noon and at night.

The more things you can include in the list, the better. These things should make you feel good and positive about yourself and life in general.

Gratefulness is the secret to a peaceful, happy and positive lifestyle.

Understand that You’re Responsible for Everything That Happens To You You cannot blame others for the results you get in your life. All our results come as a direct result of our actions and behavior in life. Our actions and behavior, on the other hand, is the direct result of our thoughts and feelings.

Only you have the power to control your attitude. You choose what you give your attention to. So instead of whining and complaining, stop blaming the circumstances, the government, the economy and God knows what else not.

It is your fault that you’ve let these things, people,and events influence you.

The good news is that you can stop it. Take full responsibility and your life will become much more positive.

Make a Contribution and Start Volunteering Think of the ways you can improve your community. Perhaps help in cleaning the streets in your neighborhood? What about helping individuals in the local library?

This one will be bizarre but certainly interesting:

How about you visit prisoners and just help in making contact? Perhaps you’ll befriend them and make their day better?

Remember,  the more you give in life, the more it comes back. Life will always reward you tenfold for every good thing you do. Decide how you can give back to the community, and then just do it!

Positivity will become your natural mindset that seems to make you company at all times.

Give Compliments On a Regular Basis

If criticizing makes people feel bad, then the opposite which is giving compliments has to make them feel good. Not only will it make the person you compliment feel amazing, it will come back to you as well.

When was the last time you gave a sincere compliment to someone which comes straight from the heart?

If you can’t remember it, maybe it is about time to consider doing this the next time you see someone on the street.

Remember, if you’re looking for the good sides in others, this is a reflection of the good sides in you. And please don’t do this just for the sake of it. Be really genuine and honest when you compliment people.

Exercise and Take Care of Your Physical and Mental Health

Yes, this is important. Pick any activity that you love and exercise regularly. You can run, hike, go to the gym or take classes in martial arts. Your imagination is the only limit.

Not only will you be more fresh and energetic, but your mood will change accordingly as well There’s no way how this activity cannot make you feel positive. Just do it!

To Conclude

Most of the time, we are being surrounded with a ton of negativity in our lives. We’re constantly being bombarded with pressure and stressful situations, but it is our choice how we are going to respond to them.

We can choose to take responsibility and decide to be in full control over our attitude or we can live day by day and let the waves of life take us wherever they want to go.

I certainly won’t recommend the second option!

Choose to live your life the way you want to live it! Stop being a victim of outside circumstances and decide to gain a positive outlook on life.

And remember, it is the small things that make all the difference! So take a deep breath right now and say how grateful you are for everything in your life!

[ladyswillmart]

Arlen was flummoxed. For one thing, he simply could not fathom where, why or how Tiny Nero could have located a space of vocabulary as ghastly as the one occupied by the word Hoosegow.

Moreover, he distinctly remembered hearing from Nero himself that the poppet lacked the equipment necessary for utterings of any kind--which Arlen imagined to be a similar apparatus to that which powered the perennial favorite souvenir, the Yak-Yak Can. This was a small metal can that, when upended by a tot or bored clockmaker, would groan in a similar fashion to the livestock that inspired its name. Arlen had once asked Cid how the blasted things work--the explanation he received involved much ado about weights and bellows and being too easily distracted.

On the other hand, Tiny Nero upended well and upended often, likely on account of his comically oversized head. Never before had he made a sound, other than the terrible racket one would expect when a metal doll falls off a bedside table after being mistaken for an alarm clock with a unique propensity for violence.

And now here he was, posed defiantly on the living room rug, saying Hoosegow like a seasoned professional.

“I--I say,” Arlen stammered. “What say you? Did you just say Hoosegow?”

“No, you dizzy twit,” said the poppet. “I said it’s time for you to get some sleep.”

“Ah. Yes, too right. Quite a rude word, that. I am glad you haven’t learned it after all.”

“What do you mean rude? It means prison, that’s all.”

“Pardon?”

Tiny Nero groaned like an exasperated Yak in miniature. “Hoosegow. That’s what it means, it's another word for prison. Slang, I reckon.”

“Coo! Isn’t that hotsy-totsy? How do you know so much about gaoler’s colloquialisms?”

“Because I am much, much smarter than you.”

“But I’m hallucinating this conversation from my own lack of sleep,” Arlen protested. “'s nonsense. You couldn’t possibly be any smarter than whatever’s in my own brain.”

“And yet, here we are.”

“Oh, fiddle-faddle. You’ll see. I shall wake up tomorrow morning fresh as a mallow, in full possession of all my gaoler’s colloqua-whotsits, you’ll see.”