#keep scrolling! just me having a mental breakdown! nothing to see here!

[seventh-fantasy]

可待的意思是 请你 等等我。 (please wait for me.)

[ultrableating]

dear tumblr ,,⋋(•◇•)⋌,,

thank you so much for all the support on my top surgery fundraiser, whether it's donating, reblogging or just staying patient with while i boost the link multiple times. which i am going to keep doing! it's no understatement that this is the single biggest positive thing that's happening in my life, and the time i need your help most. so i'm making my voice heard as much as i possibly can to spread the word, and i appreciate all your help with it. it makes me feel loved as a person and not as a bunch of posts on a dashboard, i've been getting pretty isolated because of mental health stuff so even the small connection we have from your act of goodwill is really meaningful to me

i've been ok, mostly putting in work on my masters degree, although some of the 'work' included having a massive breakdown from months of burnout, and i'm currently in the middle of trying to get an extension and rework a large part of my project. mostly this is due to the subject matter of my work having had a lot of loaded cultural and personal themes, which, when being forced to think about nonstop for two years, while also moving in with the family member who is the source of a large part of all the trauma of it, was just too much. taking a stance to axe the project in its current form was hard and made me feel like a quitter but now i feel relief and realize it was an act of self love as well

so i'm trying to recover from that and see a way forward to a project i would like doing, but it's hard when your circumstances have left you this depressed. i'm also trying to become more mindful of the way i use social media because when i'm anxious i fall very easily into the numbness sink of scrolling social media just to avoid thinking... i've stared a daily list of Ten Things That Happened That Day That Didn't Happen On The Internet, although i never get to ten, and i dont think even pre-internet leon would have gotten to ten, but it's good to aim high and take notice even of the little things. maybe to some people this comes naturally but i have to be very deliberate about it. i think this article sums up how im starting to feel about the internet rn

i've cut most personal spending down as much as possible to save up to my top surgery, so i have to find fun things to do that don't cost money. i'm trying to sew because my partner knows a lot about it and can teach me (i'm currently trying to engineer the perfect underwear, weird hobby but it's actually an amazing dysphoria-buster because most store bought underwear that fits my ass is so feminine, to be able to make a piece of something so intimate be so personal is, omg, an act, of, omg, self love). i've also sold off some things to help save for my top surgery and doctor visits, i'm trying to not get rid of anything i will really miss but it's also an enjoyable feeling to imagine the item disappearing as it becoming a permanent part of my history and of my sexy flat boy body (~o_o)~

if i end up having some free time outside of my masters degree, my current dream project is making pixel assets. i think with all the cases of my art getting stolen and used without permission it would actually be really cool to put something together specifically for public use. i miss kaoani and flower banners and stuff. i dont know if i can ever make something so saccharinely cute and tidy but if anything it's a nice space to visit

did you miss me coming to tumblr to make long winded posts about nothing? hopefully when twitter falls we will all be on here reading each others paragraphs, hopefully i'll have more going on in my life and can write even longer ones. here is a nice drawing, and a link to the fundraiser once again :)

https://gofund.me/958124b6

[quillpokebiology]

Introduction Post

Hallo, Hola, Ciao, Bonjour, and all the other greetings, everyone 👋. My name is Arrowquill, but you can just call me Quill. I don't care for pronouns much, so you can call me whatever you like.

I'm a student who was born in Galar, but I'm currently studying at Naranja-Uva Academy in Paldea, where I'm studying biology. I want to be a pokemon professor when I graduate, so I will be sharing info and facts here! Extra stuff under the cut. Scroll to the very bottom to see blog rules.

More about me

I'm the kid of @historianofgalar and grew up in the wild area of Galar. Not much there really. I got my starter at 11, joined the Galar league at 12, made rivals, got a crush on one of my rivals, failed the Galar League at 13, had a mental breakdown and almost died on an ice mountain at Galar's research facility, realized the problem with the government, I think I might've made the Galarian government hate me, joined a new research facility that does more field work, and yeh :)

Main Team

I have a lot of pokemon, as I have to study a lot. But here is my main ones

Squirt the Inteleon

My sweet baby and first pokemon. I got her when she was a sobble as a gift from my dad when I turned 10, and I've cherished her ever since.

Flash the Cinderace

I got him from as a rescue from a not great research center shortly after I received Squirt. He's super energetic, and him and Squirt are quite close.

Joker the Orbeetle

First wild pokemon I caught. Caught him the old-fashioned way when he was a Blipbug. I named him Joker because I thought he looked really goofy, but seeing orbeetle, I see the irony of that.

Archer the Decidueye

Caught him on the Isle of Armor as a reward for finding a lot of diglett. I was supposed to get a Popplio, but the guy thought it was neat how I was named Arrowquill, and Rowlet evolves into the Arrowquill Pokemon, so he gave me a rowlet instead. Archer is really sweet, but a bit timid, so he tends to keep to himself a lot.

Jellybean the Goodra

Funny story on how I caught her. It was raining, and I was trying to catch a Pikachu, but I accidently threw it at a goomy that was just passing by. Long story short, she's a goodra now, and I love her.

Scarlet the Corviknight

Caught her as the second wild pokemon on my journey, right after Joker. She's shy, but also really great. She's one of the more serious members, and she's pulled my team through a lot.

Other

Bagels the Fidough

Caught him because he was following me when I was eating, and I caught him because it isn't a good idea to have wild fidough walking around a city. He's super cute and I love him a lot.

Kiku the Appletun

Received her as a gift from my rival when I told her I wanted an Applin but couldn't find one. Kiku ecame an Appletun and now eats my homework when I don't pet her.

Caesar the Chestnaught

Technically, he has two names? I call him Caesar, as in See-ser, but my mom says it's pronounced "Hay-sar." Either way, I caught him as a Chespin in Paldea.

Ooc: Blog Rules

-While this blog is supposed to be made so everyone can view it, there might be some NSFW mentions regarding pokemon breeding (nothing too detailed). However, this blog does not accept nsfw asks, mentions, or submits other than light-hearted jokes

-Please keep in mind that Quill is older than irl me, and I am a minor. I won't roleplay anything sexual and will block/report anyone that tries to do that with me

-If your account has the default tumblr pfp, is untitled, has no description, has a pornographic name, or pornagraphic imagery, I'll assume that you are a bot and you will be blocked

-Quill is a character I am still developing, so a lot of stuff about them might change overtime

-While I might post some Fakemon, they will most likely be from the ancient past. The Fakemon that I do post who aren't variants or from the ancient past will not be mine, and I will give credit to the original creators. You can submit fakemon if you want, but there will not be fact posts about them. Just analysis.

-I do not allow hybrid Pokemon, but I WILL allow and talk about crossbreed pokemon. Like a Bounsweet, whose dad was a Roserade having traits of a Budew and stuff like that

-I awnser asks, but at my own pace. Some I might delete for multiple reasons (difficult, can't think of anything, or I just plain don't like the pokemon). But I try my best to awnser most asks, even if it takes a while

-My headcanons can be used by anyone, and you don't have to ask if you want to use them

This blog is completely made for fun and as a way for me to spit my headcanons and roleplay as my OC. I have a regular tumblr where I just post random shit: @mintaikcorpse , and an art blog @mintaikk

Posts to see

Ooc Post

[luhloydsworld]

Now i dont know if anyone here reads this anymore but im making the post anyways. If you dont know the Fence comic series you can keep scrolling (or not)

I wanna rant about how INCREDIBLE of a friend Nicholas is to Seiji. Seijis had a friend before, as we've all known, we'vw gotten more and more hints as to seiji giving someone a chance close to him before, even as to why he was so relucatant to let it happen again.

but this time nicholas managed to sneak his way into seijis heart and oh is it so different than last time. seiji liked how jesse pushed him, but he only pushed him physically. emotionally, mentally, jesse kind of did the opposite to seiji, and he was a very isolated individual because of it.

nicholas is different. in volume five we got the verbal comfirmation of the way nicholas as a character contrasts jesses role in seijis life; he strives to push seiji physically with his fencing, the two of them at the top as well, but nicholas has also pushed seiji to a better version of himself outside of fencing.

with jesse, it was only fencing. thats what they were. seijis feeling extended outside of fencing, he wanted it to be the two of them in more than just the fencing world, a world jesse couldnt single himself away from at all. seiji eventually did this too.

fencing is equally nicholas' whole world, but he sees seiji as apart of his whole world, not just inside fencing. nicholas manages to get seiji outside of his comfort zone completely, and feel comfortable in situations seiji wouldnt have let himself in originally.

my first example just so i look like i know what im saying, is when theyre training together. in the end of Vol. 4, seiji goes to nicholas. this already indicates a change in how seiji views nicholas.

then you get THIS SCENE in Vol. 5. seiji kept himself reserved for so long but now he lets his guard down with nicholas. maybe he doesnt think its professional to be so chatty or maybe seiji isnt used to being able to geek out on fencing talk, but by the seems of it seijis a huge nerd. in only over an hour you see seiji completely comfortable with nicholas in dicussion, something before this you dont see from seiji at all.

my other example right now (i could talk abt this for hours) is THIS RIGHT HERE.

its made a point originally that seiji likes to spend his time alone, including meals. this shifts in Vol. 5 when we see seiji eating with nicholas, bobby and dante after he spent all morning training with seiji.

its not just the fact that seiji ate with nicholas, its been established well enough thus far that nicholas is someone seijis comfortable with and is comfortable friends with. he's seen content with but also interested in the other people joining them, even engaging in what bobby was going to say after he got nervous.

later on we're given a scene where seiji is happily eating in the group during camp, which is what really stood out to me.

seiji has grown a lot since being friends with nicholas, maybe not in his fencing (yet) but hes become comfortable with people, and maybe its just when nicholas is there, theres nothing to say for sure as of right now but its important growth.

even in the bathroom scene when seiji has his breakdown and nicholas went in, he was completeply unwilling to "show weakness" and just belittled nicholas.

now when nicholas goes to comfort him, after something that bothered seiji more than anything up to this point, we seen him engage in playful banter, enjoying nicholas' company over being alone and acting as his earlier self would likely have called childish.

this growth means so much to me and i cannot stop thinking about it. anyways.

[dankovskaya]

hiiiiii this is such a silly question but as the premiere kory enjoyer do u have recommended kory readings? i've only read her in some of her team comics (like ntt and outsiders etc) but i was wondering if she had any standout issues. i trust ur opinion most of all

HI ELLAAAA. I know this isn't exactly what you asked for but just for future reference @/princesskoriandr made the definitive Kory reading list right here.

I'm linking this because you are not going to like my answer to this which is that upwards of 90% of the Kory writing worth reading and taking at all seriously happened in NTT 😭 Like I hate to say it but even with all the issues of racism and misogyny irt her character as written by Wolfman, you're basically always losing SOME degree of nuance or interiority (or just overall interest in exploring her as a character) with essentially any other writer.

It's also been too long since I read any of it for me to remember individual issue numbers off of the top of my head 💀 BUT on a quick skim of that reading list (and assuming you've read at least the very beginning of NTT), I will recommend:

NTT v1: #16, #22-25 + Annual 1 (this arc introduces Komand'r and just expands their lore + that of Tamaran, the greater Vega system, etc), #26 (this is like the aftermath + when Dick and Kory officially start dating I believe)

Tales of the NTT v1 #4 (BIIIIIIG Kory backstory lore dump. Very important.)

NTT v2: #6 (This is the beginning of an arc I don't really remember and don't really care about. Just scroll through the issue until you see Kory wearing the "WE LOVE GAR" shirt and then read everything she says bc I love that scene LMAO), #13-19 (this is the dreaded Kory political marriage arc where Dick loses his nasty mind and he is hella racist to her basically the whole time but you do learn a lot about Tamaran and Kory's family etc. Funnily enough this segues directly into tiny Jason's temporary stint on the team cause everyone was having a mental breakdown.), #22-23 (extension + conclusion of that arc), #39 (literally just koryraven yuri. literally.)

Teen Titans Spotlight: #1-2 (Kory has a journey of self discovery after stumbling upon Apartheid South Africa. You could not make this shit up.), #19 (this is an event tie in but it's also like 100% A Day In The Life of Kory <3)

I'm going to recommend from New Titans very sparingly and with caveats as this is when they started running out of ideas and eventually did a backflip into the garbage disposal but: #71 (Titans Hunt arc is not fucking important but I recommend the first issue purely for reflections on dickkory), #97-109 (I KNOW this is big but bear with me. This is dickkory falling apart to marriage to falling apart again era + koryraven yuri part 2. Literally just skim everything until you see Kory. The actual wedding issue is #100 and after Demon Raven crashes it Kory gets like, possessed/impregnated by a piece of her soul or something and you see the psychological repercussions of that in the background of the succeeding issues until she blasts off in 108, and then 109 is KYNASF'RR. The issue that singlehandedly justifies the existence of New Titans for me. If nothing else read that one. You can keep reading/skimming until #114 if you want but not super necessary it gets. Weird. Basically Kory and Dick just mutually separately realize their relationship is inhibiting their growth as people 😭 #114 is their official breakup issue. Or it would be if Kory didn't stand him up when they were supposed to talk about it on account of not really wanting to see him LMAO.), and #127-130 is one of those arcs that is just confusing to read if you haven't been following everything going on with all the characters involved Lmfao BUT it's another Kory/Tamaran arc and the one where Tamaran goes the way of Alderaan so. Relevant. Raven is still inside Kory also during this time LMAO.

I would NOT recommend reading Titans 99 for any character other than Garth Lmfao BUT #47-50 of that book is an arc centered on her that's like... passable.

She's in Teen Titans v3 as a mentor character but I find that book horribly fucking boring so I haven't read most of it but the popular panels of her tending a garden of Tamaranean plants is from #7

Convergence: New Teen Titans #1&2 is good and also basically functions as a recap of why dickkory did not work out even though in this universe ironically it does. Lmfao

Other than that.... yeah. She's in Outsiders and Titans v2 but the sad fact of the matter is that if Kory isn't on the lineup of a team book, she's relegated to essentially a cameo character, and if shes on a team book that isn't from the NTT era, she's unavoidably going to be mischaracterized, sidelined, flattened, possibly character assassinated, or just generally not prioritized for storylines and character development or treated as a nuanced and multidimensional character.

[bettercraic]

ok so i don't have time to update my Fic at this time (and i hate being the person who won't *know* when it'll be updated but i don't exactly have hundreds of people waiting at the edge of their seats for an update anyway so i think we're ok) but i thought it would be cute to post snippets of old fics i fiddled around with and will likely never actually finish and post

anyway this one's like a pop star au where chrissy is a disgraced pop star who had a mental breakdown and is on her comeback era. obviously eddie comes in as her guitarist and band leader and obviously they fall in love:

“He’s not even coming to see me,” Chrissy mumbled, scrolling through the article. “We barely talked—who’s this ‘anonymous source’ anyway?”

“Probably one of the label guys,” Nancy said, pinching the bridge of her nose. “They saw an opportunity for press, and they took it, maybe? Steve’s single, so it doesn’t look bad for you to be seen with him—”

“But I don’t want to date Steve Harrington,” Chrissy argued, suddenly feeling tired. “And I don’t even want to pretend to date Steve Harrington.”

“Maybe you, um, should,” Eddie said, fiddling with his lighter.

“Should what?” Chrissy asked, tucking herself tighter into her blanket burrito.

“Give it a shot,” Eddie said, not taking his eyes off from his hands. “With Steve, I mean.”

Chrissy felt her body freeze. She cleared her throat before asking, in a quiet voice, “What?”

“I was pretty skeptical of him at first,” Eddie said, through a laugh. “Rich parents, popular, chicks love him—not a douche? No way, man, no way. That, like, flies in the face of all the laws in the universe. And my own personal Munson doctrine.”

Chrissy let herself giggle a little at that. 

“But he turned out to be a pretty cool dude,” Eddie continued. “So, um, it just seems like he’d treat you right, you know? Outside of the whole PR angle, I mean.”

“Oh, um.” Chrissy felt her heart begin to beat a little faster in her chest, and she started to pick at her thumbnail. “I don’t really… see Steve like that.”

“Really?” Eddie sounded skeptical. “Damn, if Steve Harrington can’t catch the eye of Chrissy Cunningham, what chance do the rest of us have?”

Eddie’s choice of the word us made Chrissy’s heart skip a beat, and she lifted her gaze to look at Eddie, who’d dropped his lighter and fumbled around in the dark in search of it.

“I mean, like,” Eddie stammered, gaze avoiding Chrissy’s searching eyes. “Like, proverbial us, you know? Like, the male population, I mean.” 

“Oh.” Chrissy silently despaired at the unmistakable tone of disappointment in her voice.

“Sorry,” Eddie said. “I’m being nosy.” 

“No, I get it.” Chrissy tucked her knees under her chin. “I know you just want to take care of me.”

“You don’t need me to take care of you, Chrissy,” Eddie said through a little laugh. “You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.”

That statement was enough to bring tears to Chrissy’s eyes, and she quickly blinked a few times to keep them at bay. “You’re so sweet.”

Eddie shrugged. “Nah, I’m just being honest.”  

Chrissy watched silently as Eddie lit another cigarette, once again marveling at the elegant way he held the thing in his long and graceful fingers. It felt wonderful and terrible to love him, she thought, because he was so beautiful and kind and good, but he wasn’t hers. He’d never be hers, and that truth was getting harder and harder to live with. 

Here, in the dark, she let herself, for a moment, contemplate the possibility of Eddie ever seeing her as someone he could fall in love with. She pictured it: Eddie smiling as he pressed a kiss against her mouth, Eddie holding her hand as they walked down a random street, Eddie whispering sweet nothings against her ear. The pictures that her mind conjured up were terrible and wonderful in equal measure. 

But they were fantasies. Eddie loved her like a sister, she knew. And, though they’d been fewer and less lately, the girls Eddie invited to his hotel room were decidedly nothing like Chrissy. They were edgy and cool, they were almost always older than Eddie himself, and Chrissy knew she could never compete with them for Eddie’s attention. 

[fairycosmos]

god im having such strong urges to kill myself and i just cut and i'm so alone my head is killing me intrusive thoughts are fucking awful i feel that if i don't kill myself right now i will lose my mind please let me end it god I'm sorry for dumping this on you im alone I'm tired I'm so desperate

hey, please seek medical attention ASAP if necessary. i know it's extremely different to see things from any perspective other than the one you're currently locked in, but strong suicidal urges are truly not built to last in intensity and you do not have to act on them. i understand that that's an eye roll of a statement because it's a million times easier said than done, but please try to hear me out. i also understand the absolute compulsive hell of dealing with the worst intrusive thoughts fathomable. you can crucify yourself over it all day but ultimately, they are a result of mental illness, and not something you to need to internalise guilt for. they make you feel so awful because they go against everything you rationally think and believe, they are a manifestation of your fears and of your disgusts in the most vivid form. that's their awful mechanism, that's how they get you to this point, but they aren't real. they aren't you in this moment. you're not going to lose your mind, you're having an extremely difficult time right now and i am so sorry you have to deal with it. i know it goes beyond words, i know there's nothing i can say that will rival the weight of what you're feeling, what you've maybe been feeling for a long time. there is no rationalising in this state, and there doesn't necessarily have to be. it's ok to accept how you're feeling, it's ok to let it be fucking god-awful because sometimes it just really fucking is.

you have every right to lose it if you need to lose it, you have every right to scream and cry it out, to breakdown or to go numb. sob, breathe, get some sleep, have something to eat, lay in your bed and don't move, write it down and rip it up, trash your room, take care of your wounds. whatever you need, it's okay. that being said, please try to find the courage alongside that to act against your impulses by seeking medical attention/mental health support as soon as you can if you need it - if you need tangible proof that you are not alone and that you can survive this. or at least truly accept that it is a genuine option, and keep it in the back of your mind at all times. say fuck it and let your thoughts scream at you as you act in the opposite direction of what they're demanding. your brain was not always in this heightened state of panic and suicidality, and it can be helped out of it again in a variety of ways, even all the ways that feel like bullshit such as therapy and creating a crisis plan and recognising healthy coping mechanisms and all the crap you don't want to hear. no matter how much you are dead set on believing it can't. you are so worthy of love, of being listened to, of a life that feels calm and manageable, of being here. you are so worthy of all of the things you don't believe you are worthy of. i know it's all so impossible, i know it's all grossly unfair. i know the fear is pathological and so is the sense of of isolation. but you absolutely do not deserve to hurt yourself, or to have to confront this on your own, and that is the bottom line here. please take care and please (!) reach out if you need to. x

suicide hotlines

resource one / resource two / resource three (scroll down for more immediate advice) / resource four / resource five

[blazregaliadream]

Entry No. +++: Reflection

Fuckin' christ, I'm definitely feelin' better now, but it's scary readin' this over again.

So yea, I'm not sure when it began, but at some point, I was startin' to feel some heavy doubts on myself as an artist because none of my stuff seemed to really pick up. Like, I don't expect a shit ton of engagement, but just how nonexistent my presence was feellin' was slowly gettin' to me, made worse by the view count Twitter implemented, so seein' how so many people scrolled by and only one or two (from followers) seemed to at least like it felt like a heavy blow got dealt to me, and well... you can see the breakdown that resulted after however long this was happenin'.

So, why don't we take a step back and reflect.

"Why do you draw, Blaze?" - To show my love for somethin' if it's fanart, to bring out the proof of concept of original stuff I come up with. I started drawing in kindergarten for some funny assignments and things kicked off from there. It's been a hobby of mine for as long as I can remember and it'll continue to be just that.

"Have you ever tried taking commissions?" - Amusingly, I did sometime back with some success, but I was also a heavy procrastinator and I still feel bad I was like that even though my clients were understanding. 'Tis why I say drawing is just a hobby for me.

"Why do you stick to traditional art?" - Familiar territory and I feel like workin' with a drawing tablet would be all sorts of frustratin' that I do not want to put up with. If it's somethin' like the Wii U tablet and Miiverse, that's a different story. In fact, I use to post a lot of my Miiverse art until I finally stopped usin' Miiverse (because I wanted to cross certain territory that I couldn't there) and made my transition to deviantART.

"Don't you have a side blog for your art here?" - I do and I feel it's already a bitch to maintain, so a side account for my art on REEtter would be a bigger pain to keep up-to-date, if I remember to.

"Isn't there anything you want to achieve with your skills?" - In truth, I do have a few goals, but they're nothing big: I wanna get to a point where I'm confident enough to draw some NSFW and other fun stuff like mockup manga covers and the like. The funny thing is, I have drawn some NSFW before, and I feel like I'm right there to go forth again, but some sort of mental block keeps me from makin' the leap. Otherwise, I have no endpoint to this journey. I want to just draw stuff and share what I make with the world. Maybe it's foolish, maybe I'm lettin' my skills go to waste when I *could* be so much more, but I'm not tryna be much more cause I just want a simple life.

And now that I'm feelin' better after that wreck, I can pick my mechanical pencil back up again. But that said, there's also somethin' I wanna change about myself. I've kinda been doin' it here for as long as I can remember, but I need to branch this attitude out to the rest of my online presence, and that is: puttin' my foot down and to stop sugarcoatin'

An issue I've had when it comes to interactin' with people on Discord (and on REEtter to an extent) is that I was never really able to just say what I was really feelin' on matters discussed out of fear I'd butt heads with some folks and possibly get myself in trouble. Recently tho, with the Skullgirls controversy that was happenin', I learned a few things about some people I call friends and mutuals in one server that unsettled me, not because *I* would end friendships over a difference in opinion, but I fear *they* wouldn't hesitate. What's worse is that I've been in that server for a few years, I've had a lot of laughs with most of them, and I believe they're not bad people, persay, but lord in this climate, I know cancel culture is very much still a thing and I feared it big time. But even so, I can't keep up this enigmatic presence of mine where I never show my hand and pretend I'm not always up to speed on things. (It does depend on the topic tho, I'm mostly concerned with video game and manga/anime stuff) Even if it means I may lose those I consider friends and such, it's probably better I've got the mates that can actually handle the real me (or as real as I can be)

So no more fakin' myself just to belong in a group that may or may not tear me to shreds for my beliefs.

... fuck, I think there was more I wanted to say, but as I'm typin' this, those words have left the brain. Ah well, the point has been made.

Now, back to tomfoolery.

= END

[kikis-writing-world]

I need to get some personal feelings about family and shiz off my chest. You can read if you want but this is very much me screaming into the void, so feel free to scroll on. Talk of mental health and shiz inside. Dead dove don't eat

I'm the only one in my family that doesn't live within an hour drive of each other. I live about 300 miles away from them all. It gets really hard sometimes not being there for all the birthdays and holidays and events, but it's the decision I made to move here.

My sister used to live in this city when I was younger and still living with my parents. It felt like they came to visit her pretty often, hell I came with them quite a bit, but I was a kid and self-absorbed as kids are so it could be a childlike exaggeration in my head.

Several times now my mom has either cancelled a trip, or just kept putting off planning it until it passes and we don't mention it. The times I've brought it up, she tells me I need to remind her, but I guess I want her to want to come see me without having to be nagged into it?

There's an event near me happening this weekend. It's a twice-yearly event that I've been attending for over a decade that I've been telling her she would really like and have asked her to attend. Several times before she agreed it sounds like fun, but then just never came. She was adamant that she was coming this time. I kept asking if she has planned it, and she kept saying "oh yeah, I gotta talk to your father..." Well as mentioned, it's this weekend and she's not coming. Again.

I had a really bad time of things this last weekend. I was sick, my boss was angry at me over stuff, I was miserable. I had a big breakdown, crying and screaming and wanting to throw shit around my house. I called my mom, and I think I scared her with how upset I was. That wasn't my intention, but I needed someone with me while I melted down. I don't really have anyone irl to help, so I called my parents. That night she tells me "I'll be there next weekend to spend some time with you."

Firstly: had she planned what she had promised, she'd be here this weekend, so that's a bitter reminder.

Secondly: I frankly said to her "no you won't." There's a family birthday plus Easter, and unless I'm about to dive into a vat of hydrochloric acid, I'm not the priority. She doesn't know I had a SH relapse 2 months ago (after 3+ years of abstaining, and I know the relapse doesn't define me but it's been that bad that I had a relapse. I'm doing better now.) but for 6 months I tried to explain to her how I was feeling so bad. There were times I said "it'd be cool if you could come visit." There were times I outright asked for help. Said I wanted my mom, said I needed company, asked for help to get my house back in order from bad depressive episodes - not that anyone owes me that, but it's hard enough to ask for help. When you ask for help over and over and keep getting ignored or shot down, you start to feel unworthy of asking for or receiving that help. There were other people who I reached out to for help. Some were there, some weren't. It was a really bad 6ish months for me.

(Not that I was asking for her to travel all that way to see me multiple times in that span. Had she come to visit once, I would have stopped asking repeatedly)

Now, she's "officially" got a plan to come at the end of the month. The birthday obviously can't be celebrated ON Easter, so first the family needs to have Easter weekend and the birthday party, and then she's going to come deal with the mentally ill, out of sight out of mind, daughter. (Also that's if nothing comes up between then and now and she cancels.)

Part of me wants to tell her not to bother. She doesn't come when I need her. When I tell her "I really need someone right now," it's never a good time. It's petty as shit, and I don't have the balls to tell her how I feel about it because she'll just pull back and I'll have an even harder time convincing her the next time I'm trying to get help.

I needed someone for months. I made it through and clawed myself out of the hole I dug. No need to rush over with a ladder now.

[letshaveadepressionparty]

I want to die

I want to cry

I think I’m not good enough

[absolutepokemontrash]

Kid!MC/Teen!MC Needs someone to go to Parent Teacher Interviews for Them and Guess Who’s Available?

Masterlist

The brothers being bad babysitters/dad figures is something I love very much, I bet you all could already tell that considering the Fic/Headcanon series I have going on. I would just like you all to know that Asmo’s section is based on a true story. Anyhoo~ onto the Headcanons!

Why? Why Him? (Lucifer)

Is MC really dumb, or are they just a kid? No one knows.

Obviously MC asked Lucifer, the only competent one in the house, the most professional, hard-working, controlled-

MC got their things together and gave Lucifer the run down on their teacher(s) before Lucifer got too absorbed in extolling his own virtues in an intense internal monologue.

News flash Lucifer, this isn’t a Shakespeare play, you can’t have a dramatic monologue or soliloquy about how great you think you are

At the actual meeting, if MC is in there, no, MC is not actually in there. Lucifer will speak to the teacher as if MC isn’t there. As someone whose not a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down kind of person, Lucifer expects the teacher to behave the same and not spare MC’s feelings.

Feelings do not deserve to be spared if MC is being a nuisance. No fake-kid/little sibling of his gets to be the class idiot!

If MC’s doing very well academically, he expects to be pointed at projects or tests they’ve done and the grade on it. It really makes him proud to see MC doing well.

Even if they’re not the best academically, if they’re not failing and they’re doing well in other aspects of school, he’s proud.

If MC really struggles in a school environment and just hates it there but they’re still keeping their head above water, they get a head pat of approval.

On the drive home, if MC came with him to the parent teacher interviews and everything went well, he just happens to turn onto the street that has a Baskin Robin’s or something of that caliber.

If they didn’t go, he picks something up on the way back.

No fun treats if MC is being a disruptive little heathen in class, no kid under Lucifer’s care is going to be the class Mammon. Not on his watch.

MC was busily stuffed their face with the treats that were gifted to them. Lucifer had to hold himself back from rolling his eyes at the kid’s blatant disregard for basic table manners when it came to sweets.

“Is everything the teacher said true?” Lucifer asked, MC looked up at him with a smile.

“Yep!”

“Good, good.” Lucifer held out his hand and patted them on the head. “You’re doing well. Keep it up.”

“Geez,” MC mumbled as they continued to stuff their face. “Can you get anymore affectionate?”

“Don’t be sarcastic, MC. It’s uncouth.” Lucifer said sternly. “Besides, I’ll have you know that many people enjoy my headpats. I’m quite affectionate.”

“Really now? Name one person.”

Lucifer opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. He and MC stared each other down, one pair of eyes much more nervous than the other. Spoiler, MC was still calmly eating their treat as they maintained eye contact.

“…Cerberus.”

“If you’re reaching for Cerberus, you’ve already lost.”

…his pride was under attack. Right in front of his desert…

“You’re grounded.”

“Worth it.”

*Rides by on a Skateboard* School is for NERDS (Mammon)

Pff! Stupid human! He’s not goin’ to some lame parent teacher conference-

Wait! What’s with that face?! Ugh… fine. MC’s gone and forced his hand with those damn puppy dog eyes…

Mammon does not dress up for this event, he dresses like he would every day, maybe throw on some designer stuff to let all the parents and teachers know he’s hot shit.

If MC goes with him, he pulls up in his beloved car and takes up two parking spaces (pure evil.). Every parent present already hates him, but at least the other kids there are impressed with MC’s sweet ride. MC would have gained some street cred if Mammon hadn’t managed to trip up the stairs to the classroom in front of everyone.

He’ll act way to casual with the teacher, turning the parent chair backwards and sitting down so he can lean on the seat.

Mammon gets bored crazy quickly while the teacher lists and explains all the stuff the class is learning, so his eyes begin to wander to any and all displays in the classroom. Projects, annoying posters, class pet, anything is more interesting than this teacher’s explanation.

When MC finally becomes the main topic of the interview, he’s all ears. MC’s doing great in school academically? Ha! Nerd! Maybe giving MC a playful noogie and interrupting the whole interview wasn’t a good idea, but whatever.

If MC’s failing anything, or just isn’t that gifted when it comes to grades, it’s very much a “Aw man me too” from Mammon.

This teacher is speaking with the Great Mammon, the first demon in RAD’s history to fail three semesters in a row. If this teacher thinks bad grades will phase him, they’re dead wrong.

Grades don’t mean anythin’ about smarts anyway! I mean, look at him! He’s a fuckin’ genius but he can’t get through a history test without sobbing even though he LIVED THROUGH MOST OF IT.

MC gets treats no matter what’s up in class. Though, if MC didn’t go with him, he’s likely to forget and just order something for the two of them when he gets back home.

“Goddamn teachers and their rambling!” Mammon whined, grabbing a slice of pizza from the open box on his coffee table. “You owe me, MC! Ya really do!”

“Yeah yeah yeah.” MC said, they leaned over and rolled a pizza slice into a pizza-scroll then proceeded to eat it like a veggie roll. “How do you think I feel, listening to them every day? You know how long it takes to get to the actual class material?”

“Five years?”

“Ugh! Five years if I’m lucky! I swear, I know more about my teacher’s grievances with like… five of my classmates than I do about trigonometry, and guess which one’s on the test next week?”

Mammon winced in sympathy, then remembered he was supposed to be whining and went back to it. “School’s shit and a waste of money, ya should drop out as soon as you can and help me run my new business.”

“You mean your pyramid scheme?”

“It’s not a pyramid scheme, MC! It’s legit! It’s a multi-tiered marketing-”

“It’s a pyramid scheme.”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SOCIAL INTERACTION (Leviathan)

Everyone else must have been sick or something for MC to have asked Levi. He’d flat out refuse to go otherwise.

So, Levi couldn’t exactly go to the interview in his usual “I haven’t left my room or changed clothes in eight weeks” look. With the help of MC, he was able to find his military uniform at the back of his closet.

Asmo nearly fainted when he saw Levi in the uniform, not because “oooo, a man in uniform~”, it was because the outfit was so crumpled and wrinkled that it made it physically painful to look at. No time to iron and wash, the conference was in an hour!

Levi (and MC if they went with) rolled up to the school in a less than impressive ride, but one look at the uniform and all the other people present went “yep, time to be respectful (tm)”

For the first time in his life Levi was more intimidating than Lucifer! And he wasn’t even trying!

When the teacher starts explaining the course material, Levi spaces off in horror as he realizes he remembers literally nothing from school (AND HE’S STILL IN SCHOOL!) all that’s running through his head is “A squared + B squared = C squared” and “the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell”.

The actual interview was the least interesting part of the trip, the real stuff happened when Levi passed by some art on display in the hallway and something caught his eye-

Those colours… that hair… that adorable smile..!

IT WAS HER! LEVI’S PRECIOUS RURI-CHAN IN ALL HER GLORY!

Levi immediately started fawning over the art class fanart and by sheer coincidence, one of the kids walking through the hallway happened to notice.

The kid asked MC if their… parent and or guardian liked anime. MC responded with “obviously.” Levi then asked the kid if they drew his adorable Ruri-chan. The kid said no, and that they drew the My Hero Academia fanart a few rows down.

Levi was absolutely floored that there were two anime fans in one class, then his entire world shattered when MC explained there was more anime art inside the art room and other classrooms.

H-hang on… did that mean that… a lot of people here… liked anime..?

Levi needed a while to process. No snacks on the way home…

Levi and MC were sat in the back of their Uber, Levi, the Avatar of Envy himself, was having his entire sense of reality warped. S-so much anime fanart… in a school of all places..! What did this mean for the future of anime?!

“Levi. Stop.” MC sighed. “If this were an anime, the camera angle would be doing that thing where it’s right on the bridge of your nose and dramatic music plays in the background.”

“S-so many kids in your class like a-anime huh..?” Levi stuttered, weakly trying to smile. “Must be nice..?”

“Oh, that’s just my class. The other classes and grades have their fans too.”

“Oh… really?”

“Levi,” MC stopped looking out the window and looked at the otaku that was having a full scale silent mental breakdown. “Anime isn’t even a niche interest anymore. It’s a pretty casual thing to watch now. At least a third of my class watches- Levi?”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHH! ANIME! A THIRD OF THE CLASS?! ANIME… HIS PRECIOUS ANIME… WAS BECOMING A NORMIE INTEREST! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

“Levi?” MC waved their hand in front of their spaced out demon’s face. “Leviiiii? Okay he’s dead.”

The Know it All (Satan)

Ah, a smart choice, MC. Satan would be glad to help further their education. He’ll do everything in his power to make sure that the human’s brain is fed all that sweet sweet knowledge.

Satan can’t dress himself normally, MC had to coax him into a suit jacket, but he still only wore one sleeve.

MC was coming along to the interviews whether they wanted to or not, it’s important to hear what they need to improve on from the teacher themselves after all.

The two arrived pretty early, so Satan asked MC for a tour of the school. It was pretty tame until they reached the library. Satan was horrified at the state of some of the books…

Their spines lined with duct tape… pages missing and torn… someone apparently used a taco as a book mark…

The first thing Satan does when it’s time for his interview is demand the teacher take better care of the library, even though they’re not the librarian. MC tries to explain this, but Satan is too distraught to listen to reason.

He enjoyed hearing about the course material, but he made it known if MC thinks the assignments are too easy that they need to be given more challenging work. THEIR BRAIN NEEDS TO BE STIMULATED DAMN IT.

It was up to MC to either agree with Satan and nod to the teacher, or make frantic eye contact with them to try and communicate “NO DON’T PLEASE”.

Similar to (ugh) Lucifer, as long as MC is doing their best, he’s happy for them.

…but if they are in any way in the running for valedictorian he is HELPING THEM WIN.

He decided to stop at a cafe or bookstore to let MC pick out a “congrats on surviving your pitiful school” present after the interviews.

MC gleefully perused the shelves of the bookstore, there were so many books too look at…

“I’ll buy you as many books as you’d like, MC, just,” Satan shuddered slightly. “Promise me you won’t treat them like those poor library books…”

MC put their hand over their heart. “I swear on the duct taped book spines that I will never treat a book like that.”

“Good… good…” Satan breathed a sigh of relief and went back to looking at his book about cats.

“Are you… reading a Warrior Cats book..?” MC asked tentatively.

“Yes, why?”

“Satan, put that back.”

“I Will Seduce the Teacher For the Sake of Your Grades, Don’t Worry.” (Asmodeus)

Oh MC dear! He’d be delighted to go! Just let him get ready~

Asmo may not be the best choice, but he was at least going to be the best dressed person at that conference. (And MC just had to come too so all the other parents could be jealous of how well coordinated their outfits are)

He teased MC a little by saying he was going to flirt with their teacher to make sure they passed the class, but he was just kidding! …but he made sure to ask if their teacher was cute, he needed to know!

While waiting for his turn, Asmo flirts with some of the single parents, if he doesn’t see a wedding ring, they’re fair game.

Once his time slot arrived, MC realized that Asmo is one of those “my child has done and will do nothing wrong ever” types. This may have ended up working in MC’s favour if they were a class nuisance.

If MC is doing very well in sports, clubs, grades, anything, Asmo is fawning over them and gushing to the teacher about how great, smart and adorable they are.

Asmo surprisingly does not exactly flirt with the teacher, he was just teasing MC after all. But um… if MC’s teacher just happens to be cute and young, he may turn up the charm, just a little. Enough to make the teacher giggle and make MC cover their face in embarrassment.

After the interviews Asmo will probably schedule a nice day out for the two of them, shopping, a movie, mani pedis, something fun!

The real weird stuff happens in the months after the interviews… if Asmo did lightly flirt with the teacher, MC gets quite a few questions about their guardian. Questions that ask if Asmo is single in not as many words…

Oh lord, MC’s teacher developed a crush on Asmo.

Nail painting night was supposed to be a fun occasion, but MC was hopping mad and embarrassed. Asmo didn’t seem to notice as he continued to paint the little human’s nails.

“And then I told Phenex to get lost. The nerve of that little monster, right MC?” When MC didn’t reply, Asmo looked up and tilted his head. “MC?”

MC’s angry face would have been much more threatening if they weren’t just so adorable, but it was getting the message across.

“MC..?”

“Asmo.” MC’s glare deepened. “My teacher wants to know if you’re single.”

Asmo blinked a few times, before he hit his tongue to keep from laughing. “Really now~. I knew they’d be madly in love with me-”

“WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIIIIIIIIIIIS?!”

Oh My Demon King is That a BAKE SALE?! (Beel)

Of course Beel said yes! He’d gladly go to MC’s parent teacher interview!

He even put on a nice outfit :D he ended up looking a bit like a secret serviceman guarding MC, the tiny president.

Beel stopped for McDonald’s on the way there, all the other kids were so jealous of MC when they stepped out of the car eating fries.

But a little something something caught Beel’s eye when he and MC walked into the school… was that a… bake sale?

MC quickly explained that the bake sale was fundraiser for their class trip that year and the snacks weren’t complimentary. He had to pay.

And pay Beel did. He cleared out the entire table. MC’s grade’s overnight trip was going to be decadent as hell. That was no longer a crowd funded thing, that trip was privately funded by a tall buff ginger secret service member and this tiny in comparison child.

Kids are incredibly blunt, just like Beel, so when a random kindergarten kid wandered over, looked up at Beel, and very knowingly said “you’re very tall”. Beel was like “yeah”. The kid then said “what’s it like being that tall?”

Beel’s response to this kid’s question was to pick them up and hold them for a few seconds before placing them back down. For just a few moments this kid knew what it like to be over 6’4. Of course, more kids swarmed in and asked to be picked up.

Sure it was cute, but Beel now has an army of kids ranging from kindergarteners to third graders.

Finally, the conference actually began. Beel snacked the entire time and dutifully listened to everything the teacher had to say.

After the interviews are over, he checks with MC to make sure everything the teacher said was true and that they weren’t lying. If all was well, the two made their exit.

They stopped at Wendy’s on the way home.

“I’m so full…” MC groaned, Beel held up a massive cookie.

“So I can eat this?”

“No. Gimme that.” MC took a very defeated bite out of it. “My stomach says no but my mouth says yes…”

“I don’t want you to get a stomachache, MC,” Beel said worriedly. “No more snacks.”

“It’s a little late for that. It’s past nine and I’m still eating, there’s no way I’m getting to sleep at a reasonable hour.”

“Oh…” Beel mumbled. “I may have not completely thought this through.”

“*Snore* Huh? Wha? MC’s Grades? Uh… Fuck…” (Belphie)

MC must be failing a class or something because why on earth would they pick Belphie otherwise.

They ask him to go while he’s delirious from just waking up from a nap, he sort of half nods and mumbles some gibberish before going back to sleep.

MC had to basically carry his ass to the school. Belphie drooled all over them in the waiting room, and when it was their time to go into the interview, Belphie had to be manually put into the chair and slapped awake.

He barely listens, he just sits and nods along with whatever the teacher is saying. The teacher could say MC brought an alligator to school and he’d just go “uh huh…” “mmmph… yep…” “really now?” then yawn.

The only thing that could possibly get Belphie to be interested is if MC is studying space. If they are, than boy howdy is Belphie suddenly interested in their education.

Other than that? *snore*

If MC is in fact failing or doing poorly, MC’s teacher asks to see another one of MC’s guardians at a later date. Their plan failed miserably.

MC drags Belphie out of the school and yells at him for not helping them. Belphie, still sleep delirious, tries to press the snooze button. MC does not have a snooze button.

“Belphie!” MC shouted, shaking the Avatar of Sloth awake. The House of Lamentation’s resident bastard was somehow sleeping standing up outside. “HOW COULD YOU?!”

“Eh?” Belphie half-snorted and looked around confused. “What’d I do? Where are we?”

“At my school! You said that you’d go to my parent teacher interviews!”

“…MC I don’t think I’d pass well for you.”

“YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO AS MY GUARDIAN!”

“Sheesh,” Belphie murmured while he rubbed the remaining sleep from his eyes. “You humans are so noisy.”

MC looked up at their dearest demon friend, and gave him their best glare. “I’m going to take all your fancy temperature changing pillows and switch them with normal pillows you traitorous bastard.”

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Realignment

Prompt: I love when Remus is a lot smarter than he lets on, so I’d love a prompt where Logan is overworking himself and not taking care of himself and one tic of the clock away from either passing out or having a full on mental breakdown (not the type you can recover from in a day). Remus notices the little signs Logan shows, and hears the intrusive thoughts Logan has. Remus really becomes concerned when Logan’s intrusive thoughts start to involve taking breaks, going to eat properly rather than inhaling granola bars, and even sleeping. Remus storms in and is like “Logan tf????” Then gets hella soft once he realizes the state Logan is in

Thank you for the prompts, babe! I liked this one the best so I picked it. 

GUYS PLEASE VIEW THIS AS A C H E C K P O I N T if you've been scrolling for a while (and you probably have) pause here! drink water! get food! walk around the room for a little bit! stretch! do something please! you are very important to me and I care about you very deeply!

Read on Ao3

Warnings: discussions of self-harm, nothing explicit, some self-destructive tendencies and behaviors. 

Pairings: focus on intrulogical, background LAMP, DLAMP, DLAMPR, can be platonic or romantic i don’t care

Word Count: 2410

Realignment: to align again.

Realignment: to reorganize or make new groupings of.

* * *

Remus hears a lot of weird shit.

The problem arises when the shit he starts to hear isn't weird at all.

Remus hears a lot of weird shit.

 The more appropriate definition would be ‘fucked up like you wouldn’t fucking believe,’ but one of us has a problem with particularly strong language and shit doesn’t have to be censored in a lot of media anymore. Which is so convenient! For some of us!

 It’s fucking great.

Anyway. Point being. Fucked up shit.

 Intrusive thoughts literally fall under his purview. It’s the fun stuff! The stuff you don’t wanna think about that makes your skin crawl and your eyes pop open at the witching hour and stay awake until the sun rises. That’s Remus’s job.

 And it’s like the whole Mindscape is whack-a-mole that he gets to play with! Buttons here and there, squeeze this part and watch the eyes bug out of this part, bap this one on the head, see which one pokes up next. Who’s gonna have nightmares tonight? Who is having a nightmare tonight?

 It’s fun.

 Point. Right. Right.

 It’s normally pretty easy to tell whose intrusive thoughts are whose. They taste different. Patton’s taste like sugar so sweet it’ll fill your mouth with cavities. Virgil’s taste like spiders, crawling around his mouth. Janus’s taste like salt. So much fucking salt. Dry as hell.

 Roman’s taste like blood. Problem is, Remus’s mouth normally tastes like blood, so…

 Yeah, they gotta work that out.

 Logan’s taste like ink. Which is why it took him so long to figure out that Logan was having them. Not just because the nerdy wolverine was so convinced he couldn’t have them—rationalizing them as philosophy principles, come on—but because Remus isn’t exactly an expert on pens. Writing like normal people. Ugh.

 Normal people.

 What a lie, Janny probably gets a big kick out of those.

 No one is normal and normal is boring.

 Logan. Right.

 Okay, so here’s the thing.

 Logan’s thoughts aren’t really…standard? They are to some extent, you don’t really get a whole lot of variety from him—even when Remus has been so helpful in making his room safe for him to be in during bad days, there’s such a lack of imagination there that he wasn’t sure exactly how to feel—but it’s the recent ones that’ve been getting…weird.

 Remus chews thoughtfully on the kraken tentacle. He swings up to the chandelier and hangs by his ankles, letting the blood run to his head. Makes it easier to think sometimes.

 It hasn’t been very long since they found out…well, since they found out.

 Remus frowns. Why is he censoring himself? It’s not like he can’t fucking say self-harm, it’s not like he can’t describe what it was, it’s not like he can’t close his eyes and see it happening again.

 Then his mind jumps helpfully to the shocked, panicked look on Logan’s face and the soft, furious resignation on Roman’s, and his jaw snaps shut.

 Oh.

 Right.

 He cares. So he has to be gentle with them.

 He growls, swinging himself up to perch on the chandelier proper. He turns the kraken tentacle over and chews on the rubbery side.

 The others are delicate. Not that they’re more breakable than any other metaphysical humanoid, but their minds are fragile when it comes to Remus’s side of things. Could they handle the full spectrum of his side of thoughts and shit? Probably, they’re stronger than they give themselves credit for. Should they have to? Hell to the fuck no. But it means that Remus can’t just throw them in the deep end and see if the kraken spits them out whole or in chunks. Could they survive? Absolutely. Would they still be…them? Doubtful.

 Remus lets one of his legs go, hanging by one knee as he tips over.

 Plus they’re always a little more fragile when it comes to these thoughts anyway. Poking and prodding too much would hurt. Like, the bad kind of hurt.

 They’re not supposed to get hurt. Not like that.

 So. Gentle it is then.

 Right. The others. He has a point, he’s just gotta get there.

 Roman…fuck he’s missed his brother. They got—they got so much shit to still work out but they’re gonna do it together and fuck he loves his brother so goddamn much. Roman knows that, he knows that, and he’s always there to pull Remus out of his head when he needs it, hit him with a pillow, or tackle him onto something and hold him tight. He’s—his thoughts taste like blood and Remus hasn’t bitten anything since so that he’ll never miss it again.

 But with Logan...

 Logan is…odd. It hasn’t been long since they first found out—or rather, they confronted him about it, and Remus hasn’t tasted ink without it disappearing very quickly or knocking on someone’s door to please go get your fucking nerd, please. But the ink has only written the usual suspects, whispering the theorems in dark corners, muttering about the incompleteness of a set, the need for Logic, not Logan, and how to jump through the little loophole again.

 It’s not exactly hard for the others to tell.

 Lolo hasn’t been looking great. Sure, he’s all pressed and dressed, glasses perfectly in place, tie done up just so, walking around like everything’s just totally and completely fine, but it’s in his face. Object impermanence aside, normally when Remus bugs him, he reacts in some way.

 Sass is an emotional response and you won’t convince him otherwise.

 Whether it be a wry comment, effortlessly fixing whatever Remus has done to him this time, or even just a look, Lolo does something.

 Not anymore.

 Now he’ll just kind of…sigh and move on? He’ll fix whatever it is only if it’s directly interfering with what he’s trying to do, or when Patton or Virgil come round the corner and freak the fuck out because you’re bleeding! Then he’ll fix it.

 Remus wouldn’t say he’s bored, but he’s worried.

 Mainly because the intrusive thoughts…aren’t what he’d consider intrusive anymore.

 Take a shower.

 Eat something that isn’t just a granola bar.

 Go to sleep.

 Ask someone for help.

 See?

 If those are Lolo’s intrusive thoughts, then what the fuck is normally going on in his head?

 Remus waits. Waits. Keeps waiting.

 The instant his mouth tastes like ink again, with a question of whether or not Logan should take a break, he sinks straight into his shower. He washes his hair thoroughly, gets every single bit of grime off him he can, and puts on the softest pajamas he has—thank you, Roman—and drops himself outside of Logan’s door.

 He strains, mouth still full of ink, to hear anything other than the soft click, click, click of Logan’s keyboard.

 He can’t.

 Fuck.

 He knocks.

 “One moment, please.”

 Indeed, a few seconds later, the door opens to reveal Logan, looking as annoyingly pristine as he always does, surprised to see him.

 “Remus? Did you need something? Why…” he trails off as he takes in what Remus is wearing. “What’s wrong?”

 “Can I come in?”

 “Of—of course,” Logan stammers, moving aside to let him in, “are you alright?”

 “Should be asking you that, Lolo.”

 “Remus, you’ve just knocked, first of all, on my door and asked to come inside.” Logan adjusts his glasses as he sits at his desk. “This is extremely out of character for you.”

 “Uh-huh.” Remus flops onto the bed. “You know what else is out of character?”

 “Not wearing your costume?”

 “Not hearing intrusive thoughts.”

 Logan’s eyes widen. “Has—is there something wrong? Are you not hearing any? Do I need to get Roman?”

 Remus frowns. “Why’s it so easy for you to do that?”

 “Do what?”

 “Care. Try and take care of me.”

 Logan blinks. “Because you deserve to be taken care of, Remus. Your needs are important.”

 Remus idly toys with a loose thread on one sleeve. “Why?”

 “Why? Why are you important?” Remus nods. “Because you’re—you’re an important part of Thomas, you’re important to us, and we care about you.”

 “So it’s easy for you to care for me because…you do?”

 “As simple as that sounds,” Logan says with all the softness that should be directed at himself, “yes.”

 Remus nods. “I’m not having problems with hearing intrusive thoughts.”

 “You’re—you’re not?” Logan sighs, relaxing a little back into his chair. “Then why did you say you were?”

 “Because the thoughts that I am hearing aren’t really what I’d consider intrusive.”

 Logan frowns. “Like what?”

 Glad you fucking asked.

 “‘Take a shower,’” Remus says, his eyes fixed firmly on Logan’s face, “'eat something,’ ‘take a break,’ ‘go to sleep.’”

 He watches Logan’s face tense.

 “Sound familiar, Lolo?”

 “You—I—my apologies,” Logan manages after a moment, adjusting his tie, “I did not mean to be an inconvenience. You are correct, those are not intrusive thoughts, I’m not sure why you’re hearing them.”

 He turns to his desk and begins to fish around for a notebook.

 “That is quite intriguing, I wonder what the possibilities for hearing other types of thoughts are, considering—“

 “Lolo.”

 Logan pauses, turning back. “Yes?”

 Remus fixes him with a look, getting up and walking toward him. “They are intrusive thoughts, Logan. The issue is that your intrusive thoughts are about you taking care of yourself.”

 Logan freezes.

 “W-well, I’m sure that it’s nothing to be concerned about.”

 “So either you can admit that was a lie or Janny’s about to get summoned.”

 “Remus,” Logan sighs, “it’s fine. As you said, these aren’t what are traditionally considered intrusive thoughts, it’s nothing to be concerned about.”

 “No, Lolo, it is,” Remus argues, “because it means that the thought of you taking care of yourself is so foreign, so fucking out of the ordinary that not only does it happen to cross your mind—“ he takes Logan’s chair and spins it around— “but you try to force it out.”

 Gotcha.

 Logan looks anywhere other than Remus’s face and tries to stand. Only to wobble and crash back down.

 “Easy,” Remus says quietly, resting a hand on his shoulder, “you haven’t eaten in a while.”

 “But I have work.”

 “But you need food.”

 “Remus—“

 “Logan.”

 At Logan’s honest-to-fuck pout, he sighs, dragging the poor nerd up and out the chair and sitting him on the bed.

 “Why do you think you don’t deserve to be taken care of?”

 “I didn’t say that—hey!” Logan blinks up at him, scandalized and covering his stomach. “Why did you poke me?”

 “’S what I do when Janny won’t tell me the truth.”

 “I wasn’t—okay, okay!” Logan covers his stomach protectively as Remus readies another poke. “I just…I’ve already asked for help for this before. I shouldn’t have to again.”

 Remus sighs and lightly flicks the side of his head.

 “Hey!”

 “Virgil tries that too.” He stares hard at Logan. “Come on, Lolo, you can do better.”

 “It’s not your jobs to take care of me.”

 For fuck’s sake…

 Remus reaches out and tugs gently on Logan’s tie.

 “Remus, what—“

 “You taking more books outta Patton’s library now?” Remus tilts his head. “You don’t have to beat around the bush, Lolo, just be honest.”

 “I am being honest!”

 “You’re not lying, but you’re not being honest.” At the poor nerd’s confusion, he sighs and fixes his glasses on that cute nose. “Just talk to me, Lolo.”

 “I—“ Logan sighs and oh fuck why does he look so tired?

 Well, because he hasn’t been sleeping.

 Or eating.

 Or taking care of himself.

 Unbidden, part of his conversation with Roman flashes into his head.

 “Self-harm can be self-denial too.”

 “Lolo?”

 “It’s bad enough that I’ve made you all worry about me,” Logan says finally, “I would hate to be a burden.”

 Oh, Lolo. “You and Roman, huh?”

 Logan looks up warily. “What do you do with Roman?”

 “You know what I do.”

 Logan sighs. “May at least take my glasses off first?”

 “You might wanna change too, I’m not letting you up for a while.”

 Logan stretches to place his glasses on the nightstand and poofs himself into a t-shirt and boxers. He sighs and opens his arms.

 Remus takes two running steps and tackles the poor nerd onto his bed.

 “Ah!”

 “Am I hurting you?”

 “No, no, just—just a little startled.”

 “Mm.” Remus snuggles closer into Logan, his arms wrapped tightly around him. “So. Wanna try one more time?”

 Logan sighs, deflating them both to the bed. His head lolls to his left, eyes on his open computer screen. Remus follows it, barely suppressing a growl as he stretches his arm out to save whatever’s on screen and shut it.

 “I know what I’m supposed to be doing,” Logan whispers, “I understand the process, I am aware that healing is not a linear concept, I know it’s going to take time, I—I understand.”

 Remus looks down, giving him an encouraging squeeze. “But?”

 “It’s hard,” comes the soft confession.

 Oh, Lolo.

 “I know,” he murmurs, leaning down to hug him properly, “I know, Lolo, I know it’s hard. But you can’t try and do it all yourself, you’ve gotta remember that we’re here for you, we care about you.”

 “But why?”

 Remus smiles and cuddles him tighter. “You said it yourself, Lolo. We care because we do.”

 “O-oh.” He feels Logan’s throat work as he swallows. “Thank you, Remus.”

 “Of course, Lolo. I’m guessing that sinking us to the living room so everyone else can spoil you is a bad idea, right?”

 “Yes.” Finally, finally, he feels Logan shyly tighten his grip on him. “Can we just…stay like this?”

 “Do I have your permission to hold you hostage until you fall asleep?”

 “Yes.”

 “Then go to sleep, Lolo,” Remus murmurs, “I’m not going anywhere.”

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[kaijuuwrx]

Why do you keep doing this to yourself you fucking moron... why can't you just realise that it won't ever happen for you. Your life is a fucking tv drama and you still can't grasp being alone forever.

You wear your heart on your sleeve, and all people ever do is get it pumping and then crush it. It's not their fault though. You put it out their for them and they just took advantage of the opportunity you gave them. You can't blame them.

Why can't you just conform to societal norms. Be a what everyone else is. What everyone wants you to be. Stop being you and be different for fucks sake.

FUCKING WORK FOR ONCE, YOU FUCKING TRASH.

[nevertheless-moving]

Suicidal Misunderstanding XXI

Part I - - - - - - - - Part XVIII - - - - Part XIX - - - - Part XX

Star Wars Time Travel AU #27

“This is Master Kit Fisto, requesting permission to land.”

“Hold on one moment please, General Fisto.”

A crackling sound filled the air while Ahsoka bounced her leg anxiously up and down in the copilot’s seat.

“I’ve been told to redirect your shuttlecraft to auxiliary seven. Sending coordinates now.”

“Aux Seven?” Kit frowned at the comm. “Are you certain? That’s a deployment pad.”

“Affirmative, High Council Orders. You and Commander Tano are to land on aux seven. Have you received the coordinates?”

“Yes, yes- I know where I’m going. Thank you. Over.”

“Over.”

Ahsoka shot the Nautolan Master an anxious look.

“Maybe they realized Obi-Wan’s injuries were actually an attack and they’re redeploying me and Skyguy to go after the jerk responsible?” the Padawan asked hopefully.

Master Fisto grimaced. “I would hope they’re not sending you out into the field so soon but I suppose the Ghost Nebula crisis has been escalating. Ahsoka...if they are assigning you a mission and you’d rather stay at the temple-”

“I should be with Master Skywalker and the 501st,” Ahsoka said resolutely. “I shouldn’t have left them in the first place. Skyguy said I could help the war and see Lee Char and I just-” Ahsoka cut herself off with a slight snarl.

Kit sighed. “You’re a remarkable padawan and commander. I simply wanted to let you know I’m happy to support you if you wish to rest.”

The young tortugan bounced her leg a little more. “Thank you Master Fisto, but I’m fine.”

They spent the rest of the short flight in silence. When they finally reached the landing pad, they were met by a small contingent from the 501st, as well as Master Windu himself, who greeted them with a short bow and a placid expression.

“Master Fisto, Padawan Tano, I trust your flight went smoothly?”

“Yes, Master Windu,” Kit and Ahsoka said in unison.

“Padawan Tano- is there any thing I should be aware of that would prevent you from shipping off with the 501st? I regret that you won’t have time at the temple but...situations are escalating rapidly and it’s been agreed that the best place for you is onboard the Dauntless.”

Ahsoka straightened her spine. “I’m ready for my next mission Master Windu.”

“Sir-” Captain Rex interjected, “Does this mean that General Skywalker isn’t stepping down from command anymore? Surely you’re not shipping Ahsoka off alone?”

A muscle throbbed in Master Windu’s forehead. “General Skywalker’s status is classified.”

Captain Rex opened his mouth.

“As is General Kenobi’s. You will simply have to trust in the High Council’s decision. Padawan, follow the Captain to his transport shuttle. Master Fisto, you’re with me.”

Ahsoka started to move in a daze but Kit stopped her with a gentle hand to her shoulder.

“Mace- surely you can tell young Tano more than that before sending her out- she’s already partially informed regarding the situation with Master Kenobi. I realize time is of the essence but a Padawan’s place is with their Master, correct?”

The troops shifted and Captain Rex openly scrutinized General Windu. The Jedi looked calm. Too calm. He was hiding something. Obviously. 

“I’m afraid it’s all classified, including what you’ve already been told. All I can tell you right now is... to trust in your General.”

Rex, already close to his breaking point, snapped at Windu. “Are you talking about Krell?! That demagolka is-”

“Watch your language, Captain.”

“Yes, sir.”

Master Fisto frowned heavily “Mace, I’m not comfortable with this. As a fellow council member, I ask we delay sending Ahsoka until we’ve had a chance to discuss things further- I’m happy to fly her to a rendezvous with the 501st if that’s what we decide.”

Windu shook his head firmly. “I’m afraid that time of the essence and the matter isn’t open to discussion. You have your assignments. Padawan Tano will be technically placed under Master Krell’s watch, though I’m explicitly assigning her to focus on her duties with the 501st. Padawan, you’re to focus on your military responsibilities with Captain Rex, not training with Krell; he’s received a copy of my orders in the regard. Everyone needs to trust that the council has- a bigger picture than any one campaign, or any one person.”

A hint of frustration crept in Master WIndu’s tone and Ahsoka swallowed down her bitter thoughts.

“Yes, Sir,” she said, saluting the Master of the Order with military precision. Rex snapped off a salute as well, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder before guiding her away.

“Mace, what the-”

“Not here.”

“I’m not-”

“Not. Here.”

Master Fisto cast one last look at the retreating 501st before chasing after the Human Jedi Master, the force too turbulent to tell him if it was the right decision.

To Kit’s continuing dismay, he was led not inside the temple, but to a nearby speeder. Mace was dead silent for the short walk, gesturing silently to enter. Kit’s lips tightened but he climbed in, a temple guard starting to fly the moment the doors shut.

“Mace-”

“Read this,” Master Windu said brusquely, pushing a datapad into the Nautolan Master’s hands.

Master Fisto scanned the screen, large eyes growing wider the longer he read. 

“No!” Kit gasped, floundering in the force for reassurance, but Mace’s shields were like durasteel. Kit softened slightly.

“Master Kenobi...you really don’t know where he is?” 

Mace stared out the window.

“Keep reading,” he said hollowly.

“...You think he might attempt to assassinate Dooku? AND the Chancellor? By himself?”

“He was...disconnected from reality at points,” Mace said carefully. “He was aware of that fact, but seemed to blame the Sith and the Politicians for the war. His...trust in the Order is severely shaken.”

Kit continued to scroll through the pad, pausing and reeling in horror. “He stabbed Skywalker?!”

Mace nodded tersely. “And now Skywalker’s AWOL as well. He handled Obi-Wan’s initial...breakdown as well as can be expected, given the circumstances, but his continued shocking behavior after waking up...Skywalker was already severely shaken before Kenobi got to the worst of his ramblings.”

“Force,” Kit said heavily, rubbing his forehead.

“I know I wasn’t fair to Padawan Tano, but the council felt the need to get her off planet and away from specifically dangerous elements.”

Master Fisto groaned, leaning back. “I can’t believe the expansion region is considered a safer option than the temple.”

Kit looked out the window. “Mace...why are we heading to the Senate Rotunda?” 

Windu seemed, impossibly, to tense up even further. “I need you to brief the Chancellor on Kenobi.”

Kit’s head whipped around, tentacles flailing behind. “I just landed on planet,” he responded in disbelief. “Wouldn’t it be better for someone was actually there to do that?”

“I can’t,” Mace said, a hint of anguish breaking through his shields and voice, before his jaw clenched shut.

Kit drew back, alarmed by the falter in stoicism.

Master Windu’s collected himself with a shaky breath. “I have to ready the 187th; with Kenobi and Skywalker out of the picture we need every General on the front lines now. I’m sure the Chancellor will agree, once you brief him on how dire the situation is.”

There was a short pause as the two collected their thoughts.

“...The last few days have been hell, haven’t they?” Kit asked quietly.

The Harrun Kal Jedi chuckled darkly at that. “They’re nothing compared to the shit-show that’s about to unfold.” 

Master Fisto bent over, dropping his face to his hands. 

Windu steeled himself before continuing on. “I need you to organize the Chancellor’s defense. Try to stress to him that he should be guarded by a Jedi at all times- tell him- tell him whatever you have to about Kenobi, so far he only knows that he was ill, but you’re authorized to give more details than I previously disclosed- his medical file is attached. Tell him our worst suspicions if need be. The fact that you’ve been off-world...makes you...above suspicion in some respects. I’m...sorry Kit. I know I’m throwing you in without proper support but...it’s the best I can do. You’re going to have to explain to the Chancellor how stretched thin we are.”

The Nautolan smiled weakly. “You don’t have to apologize, Mace, you’re the one heading to the front.”

Mace didn’t reply.

The speeder arrived at the Senate Entrance.

Kit steadied himself, grabbing the datapad and holding it like a shield as he marched inside. The speeder peeled away, heading back to the temple. Master Gallia pulled off the temple guard mask, frowning even as she navigated back the way they came.

“I don’t like this plan,” she protested again.

“Neither do I,” Mace agreed. “Do you have a better one?”

“We don’t know that Sidious’s mental abilities are that strong,” she said desperately.

“We don’t,” Mace agreed again. “All we know is that he’s subtle enough to conceal himself from us for over a decade while gradually steering us towards destruction, and also powerful enough to defeat us all in combat.”

Adi Gallia took a long meditative breath, desperately seeking calm as the force roiled, massive waves of upheaval rippling across the galaxy.

XXII

[no-pucks-given]

NILS HOGLANDER | SWEET LOVIN’

A/N: I wrote this imagine a few weeks ago for a few of my friends, since Nils is the only player we have in common. I did rewrite some parts today so I could post it on here as well. It’s just some ‘feel good’ smut with a message. 

Warnings: A bit of angst and some talk about insecurities, sweet and soft Nils, oral (female receiving), unprotected sex, some swearwords, and some more sweet and soft Nils.

Word Count: 3.8K

It’s hard dating a NHL player, every move they make, every step they take gets noticed by someone. Every mistake, every misstep gets noted down by someone. It’s tough to always be in the spotlight, especially for their relationships and family. You struggle with the amount of negativity you read on the internet about Nils, but also about you and your relationship. You know, oh you know you shouldn’t read anything they write. You should probably just stay clear of social media at all. It makes you feel insecure, and you know it’s stupid, but you can’t help yourself.

Of course there are also a lot of positive notes to read, but it almost seems like you only pick up the negative ones. It’s almost like you enjoy torturing yourself, even though that’s not true at all. You hate it, you absolutely hate it, and yet you can’t stop yourself from getting sucked into the negativity every time. Reading negative things about yourself is one thing, but hearing them in real life is a whole other category.

Today is one of those days. You didn’t mean to eavesdrop, you didn’t want to hear anything at all, but you did. You try to shrug it off, but luck isn’t on your side today. The girls follow you into the bathroom, still talking about Nils, about you, and about your relationship. You walk into the first stall you see, locking the door behind you. You try to catch your breath, keeping the tears at bay. There’s no way you’re going to cry with those girls around, you just can’t let them get to you that easy.

You brace your hand on your chest, trying to calm down your racing heart. Your head falls back against the door, slow breaths in and out. As soon as you feel like you have at least some of your composure back, you open the door. You lock eyes with one of the girls, who simply smirks at you. She turns to one of her friends, nodding her head towards you. “I told you she isn’t anything special,” she laughs, her eyes raking over your body. The other girls join her laughter, before turning their backs towards you.

You had no intention of running out, or letting these girls win, but they hit you with the one thing you’re most afraid of. What if you aren’t enough for Nils? What if he finds someone else? Someone better? You freeze, all of your insecurities hitting you at once. Afraid to fall apart right now and there, you turn around, bolting out of the bathroom.

There’s absolutely no way you’re staying here a minute longer than necessary. You came here to study, not to have a mental breakdown in front of all these people. It takes you exactly 3 minutes to pack up your stuff, pay your bill and make your way over to your car. The moment you sit down you drop your head on your steering wheel, letting the tears fall freely.

At some point you calm down, your insecurities still on the surface of your mind, but you know now those girls just tried to get under your skin. They tried to get some sort of reaction out of you, and you gave them exactly what they wanted. You sigh, shaking your head. It doesn’t matter. You know Nils loves you, you know you’re enough for him. You know it. So why is it so hard to accept it sometimes? Because you’re human, that’s why.

Your mood improved immensely by the time you get home. You see Nils’s car in the driveway, smiling softly at the fact he’s home already. The moment you step through the door you drop your bag to the floor, and kick off your shoes. You walk towards the living room, spotting Nils on the couch. “Hey, baby,” you call out to him. His head shoots up, surprised eyes looking back at yours.

“Hi, babe. You’re back early?” he says, questioning your early return. You shrug your shoulders.

“So, where’s my food?” he asks excitedly, looking around for the bag that should contain his food. You blink a few times, eyebrows furrowing in confusion, trying to remember when he asked for food. Nils spots your confusion, an annoyed sigh leaving his mouth. “Really? You forgot my food?” Nils sighs, hand brushing through his hair. “I texted you? Asking if you could bring me some food for after I finished my training?”

At this point you’re just annoyed, if he wanted food he could’ve called. Hell, he could’ve gotten food himself. “I didn’t receive a text, so obviously I didn’t bring you any fucking food, Nils,” you tell him, your words coming out harsher than you intended to.

He raises his eyebrow at you. “Fucking perfect,” he mutters, turning back around.

You sigh again, before pushing past your pride and past your own emotions. “Do you want me to make you something? I can just quickly cook something for you?” you ask him softly.

“Don’t bother, y/n,” he simply tells you, continuing his game.

“You know what, Nils? Go bother someone else if you need anything, but leave me the fuck alone,” you spit out, before turning on your heels and stomping towards the bedroom. You hear Nils yell something at you, but at this point you simply don’t care.

You strip out of your clothes, pulling one of Nils’s sweatshirts over your head, and climbing into bed. You just want to be alone for now, alone with your thoughts, alone with your insecurities. Just alone, engulfed in the cosiness of this bed.

After 30 minutes Nils realises you’re not coming downstairs anymore. He didn’t mean to be so annoyed when you forgot his food, it’s just that he’s really fucking hungry. It’s no excuse, but after an excruciating training he was so desperate for some food. He picks up his phone, scrolling through his messages until he finds your name. The moment he opens your chat he knows he made a mistake. There’s no message from him to you asking for food. “Fuck!” he curses. He realizes he fucked up, badly.

Nils makes his way upstairs, knowing damn well you deserve an apology for the way he acted. He quietly opens the door, eyes searching the room for you. He finds you curled up in bed, softly sniffling. Shit, he didn’t mean to make you cry, it’s the last thing he wants. Quietly he slips off his clothes, leaving him in just his boxers.

Gently he pulls back the covers, revealing your curled up body. He crawls in bed behind you, pulling you close to his body. He moves your hair to the side, revealing the soft skin of your neck. He nuzzles his head into the crook of your neck, leaving a soft kiss behind your ear. “I’m sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have been so mad at you, especially considering I didn’t send you any message about food,” he whispers against the shell of your ear.

You can’t help the chuckle that escapes through your sobs. “That’s so you, Nils,” you tell him. He chuckles against your neck, sending chills all over your body. “I’m sorry too, babe,” you sigh, “I just had a really shitty day, and I aimed my frustrations at you.”

Nils traces soft circles on your thigh, still kissing the exposed skin of your neck. “Why did you have a shitty day, y/n?” he asks you softly. You try to shrug his question off, but Nils feels there’s more behind it than you let on. “Talk to me, baby,” he murmurs.

You turn around in his arms, burying your head in the crook of his neck. “It’s just that these girls were talking shit about me, about our relationship, and it made me insecure. They made me doubt myself, and wondered if I’m good enough for you,” you mumble, trying your hardest to not relive their words and looks again.

Nils stills for a split second, before rolling over, crushing you under his weight. He wiggles himself between your legs, looking up at you with a serious expression. His hands move up to cup your face, making sure you’re hearing every word he’s about to tell you. “There’s no other woman for me out there, y/n. You are it for me, okay?” He looks at you expectantly, you nod your head at him. “You’re the most beautiful girl in the world, there’s no one who catches my eye like you do. No one, y/n.” he tells you, his eyes swirling with love, adoration. You listen to every word he has to say, every doubt you had leaving your body.

Nils looks at you, a wicked glint in his eyes, the smirk on his face promises you nothing but mischief. His hands slide from your face towards your breasts, squeezing them softly. “You have the most amazing tits, and I can’t stop touching them,” he says cheekily, giving you one of his boyish smiles. You laugh at his statement, but Nils isn’t done yet. His hands slide down further, cupping your ass in both his hands. “Your ass is so nice, I don’t even have the right words to describe it,” Nils says, squeezing each cheek.

At this point you’re a giggling mess underneath him, enjoying all the things he has to tell you, but mostly enjoying carefree Nils. His hands once again move, this time towards your panties. You gasp when he cups your pussy. “I fucking love your pussy, I can’t wait to bury myself inside of you again,” he groans out, clearly thinking about things that hopefully will happen.

“I love every single part of you, every single part of your body and every single part of your soul. I love it all. Do you know what my favourite thing is?” Nils asks, his eyes locked on yours. You shake your head, while Nils moves his hand towards your chest, putting his palm over your heart. “This. This is my favourite part of you, y/n. Your pure heart, full of love for everyone who deserves it, and maybe even for those who don’t deserve another second of your attention and time. Even though you’ve been hurt so many times, you still love with everything you have, unconditionally. It’s my favourite part of you, because you decided to love me.”

Your chest tightens at all the sweet words Nils tells you, all his love for you showing over and over again. You try to tell him you feel the exact same way, but the words won’t come out of your mouth. Instead you grab the back of his head, slamming your lips on his, hopefully showing him that you love and appreciate him just as much.

Nils groans against your lips, pushing his body further into you. You grind your hips against him, feeling his erection against your core. Nils licks across your bottom lip, softly asking you to open up for him. You comply, your tongue meeting his, swirling and twisting around the other. There’s no battle, no fight for dominance, it’s just simply you and him.

Nils’s eyes find yours, he does this every time you end up in bed, or anywhere else for that matter, every time he needs the reassurance and permission that it’s okay, that he can continue with his plans. It’s such a turn on and he doesn’t even know it. “Can I?” he asks you softly, playing with the hem of your sweater.

“You can,” you confirm, smiling softly at him.

His hands immediately grip the hem of your sweater, tugging it over your head, leaving you in just your panties. His eyes rake over your barely clad body. “I’m going to show you just how gorgeous you are, baby,” he whispers against your lips.

He claims your lips once more, his hand finding your breast. You moan into the kiss when his fingers close around your nipple, rolling the taut bud between them. Your hand moves down to Nils’s erection, but he swats your hand away. You raise your eyebrow in question at him, while he softly chuckles at you. “No, baby. This is all for you,” he says, his head lowering towards your neck. “and maybe a little bit for me as well.”

Nils gently sucks on the skin of your throat, making his way down your body. He makes sure he doesn’t skip any part of you, pampering every single inch of your skin with love and affection. His earlier sweet words, his loving way of caressing your body, drives you insane with need. Need for Nils, need to have him inside of you, need to feel him everywhere.

Your hand grips his hair when his mouth closes around one of your nipples, sucking the bud into his mouth. “Oh god, Nils,” you moan, the sensation moving through your body like lightning. While Nils gives your breasts the attention they deserve with his mouth and hand, he slowly pulls down your panties with his other hand.

His fingers find your dripping core, his thumb circling your clit. “Fuck, baby, you’re so wet for me,” Nils groans out against your chest. You cry out as soon as he pushes two fingers inside of you, engulfing himself in your familiar warmth. Nils moves further down your body, while continuing to fuck you with his fingers.

His lips close around your clit, sucking the soft bundle of nerves into his mouth. You moan out at the sensation, gripping Nils’s hair tightly between your fingers. “Nils, please,” you beg him, not even sure what you’re exactly begging for. At this point it could be anything. You look down at Nils, his face buried between your legs. His eyes locked on yours as he eats your pussy like it’s his last meal.

You pull at his hair, trying to get his attention. “What do you need, y/n?” he asks you, before continuing his torturous ways.

“I need you, Nils,” you mumble, so far lost in the pleasure Nils gives you.

You can feel him smirk against your core. “Soon, baby. First I need you to come for me, okay?” he asks, even though you know it isn’t a question at all. You nod your head, so desperately for some kind of release.

It’s the way Nils murmurs soft praises and dirty words that send you falling over the edge. You come all over his fingers, his mouth, his name falling off your lips like it’s the only thing on your mind.

Nils watches the way you orgasm, he’s sure the blissful look on your face is his favourite part of making you come. The way all your stress, worries, doubts leave your body, he’ll make you come another thousand times if he could, just to see that look on your face over, and over. The way you clamp down on his fingers has his cock throbbing in his boxers. He can’t wait to feel you wrapped around him, to bury himself inside of you again, and again, and again.

He keeps his eyes on yours as he pulls back, fingers slipping out of you. Your mouth falls open as he slips his fingers into his mouth, licking them clean. The wicked glint in his eyes tells you he isn’t finished yet. “You taste so good, y/n,” he says, before leaning forward, capturing your lips with his. You can taste yourself on his lips, on his tongue, everywhere. The experience so intimate, so raw.

Nils breaks the kiss, moving back to sit on his knees. His hand moves over his stomach, slipping underneath the waistband of his boxers, pulling them down enough to free himself from his confinements. His fist closes around his rock-hard erection, thumb spreading the already leaking precum over his tip.

He crawls back between your legs, opening you up wider for him. He braces himself on one arm beside your head, trying to keep his weight off you. His other hand grabs one of your legs, hooking it around his hip. You gasp at the sudden contact of his cock on your core. Nils smirks at your reaction as gently guides his cock between your folds, slowly pushing inside of you.

Inch by inch he slides inside of you, always watching for signs to see if you aren’t comfortable, if you aren’t ready for more. The moment he’s fully buried inside of you, he releases the breath he’d been holding in. “You okay?” he asks softly. You nod your head, pulling his face closer to yours. You press your lips on his, while Nils slowly starts moving inside of you.

Nils keeps his pace slow, deep, embracing every second he can spend with you like this. Connected, lost in each other, it’s never been better than right now. He can’t take his eyes off you, every single moan, every single sigh that leaves your mouth spurs him on to keep things slow, and intimate, relishing every single second spent inside of you. “I’ve never felt more alive, more at home than like this, y/n. Never,” he rasps out.

You wrap both your legs around his waist, allowing Nils to slide even deeper inside of you. He moans out at the feeling, sending chills all over your body. There’s just something about Nils moaning that turns you on more, and more. “You’re my home, Nils,” you tell him, nails digging into his back.

His slow, deliberated motions show you everything words can’t explain. This, the way he makes love to you, means more to you than words ever could. The connection between the two of you goes further than anything you ever felt before, it’s out of this world, absolutely astonishing. This goes further than love, further than lust, further than desire, it’s everything.

Nils brings you closer, and closer towards your orgasm, his thrusts deep, his words soft, sweet, and dirty, the perfect mix. His arm around one of your legs, keeping you even closer to him. You close your eyes, breathing turning erratic. Nils claims your lips once more, swallowing your scream of pleasure, when you finally shatter around him. Never, never felt an orgasm like this, your mind completely mush, while your body feels like it’s on fire. Your eyes roll to the back of your skull, nails digging into Nils’s back so hard, you probably broke skin.

Nils lets himself go as soon as you reach your high, his own orgasm ripping through his body. “Fuck, fuck, y/n,” he groans out, emptying himself inside of you. Nils collapses on top of you, head buried in the crook of your neck. Aftershocks still rock through his body due to probably one of the most intense orgasms he ever had.

Your hand softly brushes through his hair, a content sigh leaving Nils’s mouth. “You okay there, love?” you ask him softly.

A raspy chuckle leaves his throat, before he raises his head. “Fuck, yes. That was mind-blowing.”

Nils rolls of you, crawling out of bed. He makes his way over to the bathroom, giving you a perfect view of his even more perfect backside. Nils catches you staring at his ass, when he looks back to you over his shoulder. He laughs, sending you a wink, before walking into the bathroom. You smile to yourself, how did you get so lucky with him?

Seconds later Nils comes back out of the bathroom with a damp washcloth in his hand. You smile softly at him, when he gently cleans up the mess you both made between your legs. “Thank you, Nils,” you tell him, appreciating his help and care, not only now but always. He shakes his head at you, crawling back in bed beside you.

He pulls you on top of him, arms keeping you close to him. “You don’t have to thank me. I’ll always take care of you, baby, always,” he mumbles against your hair.

“I know, but still. Thank you for showing me I’m stronger than my insecurities, it means a lot,” you mumble against his chest.

Nils sighs, softly placing a kiss on top of your head. “I’ll show you day after day that there’s no one out there like you. You’re special, y/n. I’ll never let you forget that,” he simply tells you, making you smile some more.

You lay on his chest for a while, listening to his steady heartbeat, the soft rise and fall of his chest. Nils grabs your chin, turning your face towards his. He softly pecks your lips, just needing to feel them on his once more, he simply can’t get enough of you. “You have no idea how much I love you, y/n,” he whispers against your lips.

You grin at him, you’ll never get used to hearing those words come out of his mouth. “I do, I absolutely do. You show me how much you care, how much you love me every single day, today is no exception,” you tell him. “I love you, Nils. I love you more than I can tell you, more than I can show you, more than anything in this world.” Nils grins at your words, his strong arms wrapping around your shoulders, pulling you impossibly closer to him.

You giggle at his happiness, while Nils just pampers your face in more, and more kisses. “Stop it, you goof!” you laugh out loud, trying to wiggle out of his arms.

“Never, y/n! Never!” he laughs back at you.

It’s always like this between the two of you. You both love with everything you have, you cry together over stupid things, you fight and make up, but most of all you laugh. You laugh like it’s your final day on earth, like it’s the last thing you’ll ever do. His smile makes your whole day, while your smile makes everything seem so simple to Nils.

If there’s one thing you’re absolutely sure of in this world, it’s that Nils loves you with every fibre in his body. He shows you day after day how much you mean to him, how much he loves you, and how much he appreciates you.

You know you’ll never let him go. You know he is the one, there’s no one else out there for you who can compete with Nils. You’re absolutely 100% sure Nils is your soulmate, your best friend, the one you want to grow old with, and you’ll spend every single second of every single day showing him exactly that.

[bakugohoex]

𝐄𝐑𝐖𝐈𝐍 𝐒𝐌𝐈𝐓𝐇

𝐈𝐍𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍

In which Erwin chooses to take you on on an aquarium date, the closeness he feels as you both submerge yourself, hand in hand looking at all the different types of sea life.

𝐀𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐘𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐒

pairings: erwin smith x reader

word count: 1900+

a/n: damn all the dates are complete, also I don’t actually advocate for like aquariums and sea life centers but it was used for the purpose of this date.

𝐆𝐎 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊 𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐀𝐈𝐍 𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐔 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄

𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐇 𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐄

He truly believed he had nothing to worry about as he left your apartment a week ago. He never thought that the stupid kids would actually think of date ideas that would make your head sway. But here he was scrolling through the group chat where all of the boys had talked about the highlight of their dates. He was the only one left, tie loose against his neck as he laid against the balcony, early morning wind rushing through his blonde locks. He had everything planned out, he’d made your date special, but you had seemed to enjoy every single one of their dates from the smallest to the biggest.

Could he ever compare to that? He pulled at his hair before sending you a time and location, the stupid photo he had of you lighting up the top of his screen. He took a heavy breath as he still had a career and life, maybe you’d found that attractive. He didn’t know but as he stressed over what suit to wear tonight you were going through your own mental breakdown.

You had been in your bed for most of the day, Erwin’s text this morning not helping to settle your nerves. One more date, one more night and then the big decision would occur, you began to stare at the unopened letters. Wanting to read them all, read the confessions that they had given to you but as you looked at the arrays of pink, your gut was aching at the stress of it all. The fear of losing them all came too sudden as your eyes watered in your empty apartment.

Through the tears you saw the framed pictures around your bedroom, having one with every single one of them in it. Eren, Jean and Armin when you guys went out for Sasha’s birthday, Reiner and Porco when the three of you went to a music festival. Levi and you after one of your late-night coffee runs having forced him to take a photo with you and the sunset and Erwin and you at a black tie event he had invited you to a couple months back. Tears disappearing as you stared at the fond memories, you’d have your memories at least.

You found yourself wearing more formal clothes, knowing that Erwin would most likely come in a suit, you wanted to match in some sense. The address had been something you knew of, a new aquarium that had just opened up. You knew that with all the hype online about how it was a hot spot for taking the family out or going on dates it was always packed. Both you and Historia having tried to get in but being pushed back out by a family, you stepped outside of the uber, thanking the man as you saw Erwin walking from the other side.

“Hey.” You waved as you opened your arms to hug him, he happily took the hug, eloping you tightly as he couldn’t help but stare at how perfect you looked.

He let go, hand lingering near your own as you moved closer to his side, “you look beautiful,” he complimented before feeling your hand wrap around his own.

“Thanks, you don’t look too bad yourself.” Your other hand moving to his suit jacket lapels, pushing them back onto his broad chest. “So what we got planned for tonight?”

“I know the owner of this place.” He paused looking up at the large building, he didn’t realise the true extent of how big the exhibit was. “He said we could have the place to ourselves.”

Your eyes widened at how he swung the keys in his other hand, “all to us.”

He nodded as he unlocked the door, putting the alarm code into the side before beckoning you in, “they’re in glass they won’t bite you.” He moved his arm on your back keeping you close beside him.

“Which way should we go first.” You ask seeing a map at different ways to go and see the sea life.

He put his hand around your eyes as he stood behind you, spinning you on your heels a couple times before making you stop. “Pick a direction.” The three options were right in front of you as you picked the option closest to the door. He let go of your eyes as you stared at the direction, still feeling dizzy as he kept you a hold.

“Don’t faint on me.” He chuckled as you swat his chest with your hand.

You give a soft giggle back, “next time you’re picking the direction.”

“Of course.” He put his hand out for you to take as you both began walking towards the entrance, walking past the doors, you both saw the glass ceiling and walls, small sharks and different types of fish and other sea life cascading around you both. Your eyes widened as Erwin had the pamphlet in his hand of different sea life, the only light coming from the ones inside the glass, blues sheltering you both. It was something so beautiful so close to home, you both moved closer towards the wall, the intricate details of the fish who swam aimlessly.

“It’s…It’s so pretty.” Your hand had moved to the glass, touching it softly as if one hard push would crack the delicate material. Erwin hadn’t realised your words had to be to the scene, all he had seen was you and you were the prettiest thing in the room.

He stepped closer to you, hand against your back as you both stared at the different types of sharks. The way the sharks moved from your side to the arched bridge on top of your heads as your eyes fixated on the shark moving from one to another. “Looks like I’ll have to compete with another thing for your affection.”

“Aww, Erwin.” You had known Erwin long enough to realise how much he hated not getting his way. He had barely known your friends, but here he was competing against them, your hand moved to grip his face, his cheek nuzzling into it as you looked up at him. “Whatever happens, we’ll always be in one another’s lives.”

“Who else could take the job of sending me messages of the definition of commonly used words?” He joked as he touched your cheek back, the urge to kiss you was prevalent, but you stepped back, putting your hand out to continue on with the rest of the scenery.

“Come on, there’s more to see.” He gladly grasps your hand, warmth engulphing him as you drag him to the next part, different types of fish in tanks as you both looked around. “…there are more than three trillion five hundred billion fish Y/n, even if they could breath on land we could win.”

“Piranha’s Erwin, they have a bloodlust for us, we’d be dead.” You chuckled as you walked past another area, you both talking about the different facts that were in the pamphlets. It was always comforting with Erwin, having met him in your first yeah when he had recently graduated himself. He had grown as a career man, ready for the future he had, he was always so smart, so perceptive but being around him, seeing a version where he had let loose around you made you smile.

“What’s got you all happy?” He asks arm around your waist as he grips you closer to his body.

You shake your head, “nothing, it’s just you, all of you this week have shown me a different side.”

“Is that a good thing?” He questions waiting to hear your reply as he takes you to a different section of the place.

“Yeah it is.” You rest your head against his arm as you both continue to walk through the exhibits. Erwin didn’t know how he felt, the closeness making him fall even more in love with you, the beauty you had capturing him in a matter of seconds. Who could resist you, who couldn’t love every part of you with those soft eyes, that smile that could melt a man and most of all that voice you had. That beautiful voice that captured him, you had to be an angel sent to him because he truly didn’t know how he had got so lucky to have met you.

“Erwin.” You softly say poke at his side, he nods getting out of his trance as you continue, “if…if you were in my position what would you do?”

He felt like the right person to ask, he may be biased but he was older with more life experiences than you ever had. “Selfishly I’d tell you to pick me, but I will always want the best for you Y/n, pick who you truly like.”

You nod as you nuzzle closer into his arm, “I really enjoyed tonight.”

“You did.”

“Yeah I liked just being around you, watching the animals and fighting over who would die first in a fish invasion.” You chuckle the last part as you both round the corner to what looked like the final area that you could both be in.

“What do you think is past those doors?” You question as both of you stand to the bleak hallway, that was in front of you.

He gives a smirk before opening it, “ladies first.”

“Pussy.” You mock as you step forward, Erwin’s hand meeting your back as he guided you through the darkness. “I can’t see anything, get your phone light out.”

He nods as you hear shuffling behind you, he puts his flashlight on as you both see glass surrounding you both, it had been exactly what it looked like from the first section. But scarier, you grabbed Erwin’s hand out of dear before he flashed the light to the side of you both, both screaming at what you saw.

A much larger shark having looked directly at the light, teeth open as if it was ready to eat you both. Erwin had seen how your breathing had been heavier, clinging onto his jacket as he grabbed your hand dragging you to the end of the corridor. His light flashing to the side as you both saw more and more scarier sharks. “Whe…When was that part of the exhibition?” You squeal as you get pushed through the doors.

Finally seeing the entrance you almost felt grateful, heavy breathing as your face felt flushed, “you screamed at sharks.”

“You screamed as well, idiot.” You controlled your breathing looking at Erwin before laughing with him, it was unexpected and a horrid thing to see at night.

He saw how you came closer to him again, hand latching in his own as you smiled at the man. “The area's lights probably got shut off.”

“Tell your friend he needs to tell people about that part.” You chuckle again lightly as Erwin looks down at your hand.

“I will.” He knew tomorrow was an important date for the two of you, looking at that twitch of your mouth to suppress another gleam. You met his eyes as you moved closer to his body, “I hope whoever you pick realises just how amazing you are.”

You didn’t meet his eyes at his unexpected words, the date had come to an end. With another perfect date occurring, the choice had still not been decided as he helped you back outside into the cold. Every one of the boys had something that you loved about them, and with a choice as hard as yours. The threat of losing them all was significant as you thought back on every single one of the dates you had and how each one of them had made you feel special.

𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐄𝐍𝐃 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐇 𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐄

𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐒 𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐈𝐂𝐄