#ker-splat

[macguffinandco]

Hi - we're on Tumblr now!

I'm sorry, who are you?

We're @sashasienna​ and @jonnywaistcoat​, and we make tabletop RPGs as MacGuffin & Co.!

Tabletop what-nows?

Immersive storytelling games where you and your friends can dive into weird worlds, play fascinating characters and have harrowing adventures!

What, like Dungeons & Dragons?

*sigh* Yeah. Like Dungeons & Dragons

Ok, so what have you made?

Well, we've got a collection of system neutral micro-settings called Odd Jobs - it's eleven small and fascinating worlds to play games in, each with a campaign you can play through in a month. They're not designed for any particular system, so you can play them with whatever game you like!

Oh, and it won the 2022 UK Games Expo award for Best Adventure and was nominated for Ennie Product of the Year. Just sayin'.

We've just released a tarot-themed magical river game called Upriver, Downriver with our dear friend Ella Watts, in which you play the crew of a ship sailing the Great River, either travelling upriver to the mythical Source with it's magic and revelation; or downriver towards the unending Sea with it's freedom and horizon.

We have KER-SPLAT! - a high-chaos, full nonsense cartoon RPG we wrote with Ross Barlow, where the players can't die and the GM can't stop them in a hilarious cascade of silly jokes. Also, not to brag, but this is the funniest RPG rulebook you'll ever read.

We also have smaller games, such as Zero Void - a no-prep one-shot zine game, where you play a bunch of desperate space criminals trying to escape a space station before the law arrives.

Is there any way to keep up with what you do?

Well, following our Tumblr is a great start. We also have a monthly mailing list you can sign up to from our website that will keep you updated on what we do.

We also have a Patreon.

What was that? You're mumbling!

Yeah, like all creators trying to eke out a living, we have a Patreon. If you sign up you get behind -the-scenes updates, small or prototype games, RPG resources, new micro-settings and our monthly TTRPG Gamesmasterclass, where we use our 35(!) combined years of GMing experience to help you run the best games ever.

But what if I want to see your faces?

Then I have great news! We stream boardgames and RPGs every Sunday at twitch.tv/macguffinandco! Jonny also streams videogames every Friday at twitch.tv/jonnywaistcoat, and Sasha steams their Jane Austen Bookclub every Monday at twitch.tv/sashasienna

Sounds cool - where can I find out more?

macguffinandcompany.com, baby!

Wait, so why are you on Tumblr?

Because social media is a nightmare hellscape and it's weirdly the chillest one left. We are on other social sites as well - you can follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook - but this is our favourite.

[eggs-can-draw]

Okay I asked this abt shuichis first word the other day and you got like thirty ask so I’m crossing my fingers it happens again cause that was really fun,

How do you think shuichis first steps were?

Ok first steps hmmmmmm I kinda have a scene in my head for that lmao

Kirigiri and Togami are doing Worktm and Naegi is taking care of/hanging out with Shuichi. He’s helping him do that toddler thing where they kinda toddle around while holding something (not walking but getting there yknow?) and he starts doing the thing where he holds Shuichi up and helps him walk around a bit until Shuichi pushes his arms off and just kinda stands there a bit. (Naegi has now called Kirigiri and Togami into the room) and they all just kinda stand around him. He takes one step. He takes another one. Me makes it to like 5 steps and then stumbles flat on his face

[coal-cipher]

[ Thursday - Head Trauma ]

Ker-Splat!

[madeyoulaughgifs]

Ker and Splat

[sundove88]

POV: You Let Balan Cook (Happy Balanniversary!)

For the Balanniversary, I decided to go out on a limb and redraw a scene from my crossover casting “The Maestro in The Hat”, which you can find here.

And it’s also a follow up to this scene.

The scene in question:

Sorry if the background looks a little… lazy compared to the original scene.

Fortie; Ok, that was probably the WORST thing I could’ve possibly been asked to do! (Is having his arm bandaged)

Balan: Look. I’m not saying you’re going to sue. I’m just saying you have a case. We’ll talk later- ix nay, ix nay. Haha.

(Barktholomew, Cuckoo, Fortstopher and Fortie, and Inkabelle leave the room)

Leo; Uhhh, Bal, is the oven supposed to be making that sound?

(The oven is making short circuiting noises)

Balan: Of course; that means they’re almost done, Leonard!

Leo; Leo.

Balan: That’s what I said, Leon!

Leo: BAL!

Balan: Now that’s MY name!

(The trio rush over to the oven, and Balan puts up a force field just as the oven blows open)

(BOOM!!!!)

(KER SPLAT!!!)

(DING!)

Balan: Yep! They’re done!

Leo; Aw, man!

Balan: There’s nothing to worry about- I’m sure they still taste fine- Eugh, they’re horrible! Who wants some?

Leo and Emma: Ewww! No!

Happy Balanniversary anyways!

[eddiezpaghetti]

Your perspective on Byler is super interesting, thank you for these posts! I agree that Byler isn't queerbaiting, but what if it's still an accident in the sense that they intended to tell a story of unrequited love from Will's pov (like Steve/Nancy, or Dustin/Max in season 2), and this is what those shots of Will between Mike and El are for, and didn't realize that Mike could be seen by a part of the audience as queer and possibly loving Will back?

Okay, for the most part, I'd just be reiterating the post I already made. So let's narrow this down to something more specific. Why is it not like Steve and Nancy or Max and Dustin?

Let's look at Max and Dustin first. I'll make a post about Steve and Nancy later because this wound up being longer than I meant for it to be.

What first comes to mind with Max and Dustin is the moment it really ended. When Dustin saw Lucas and Max together in the junkyard. If Dustin and Max were similar to Mike and Will, parallel to them, then the moment Dustin saw Lucas and Max together in the junkyard would be the same beat in their stories to the moment Mike and El reunited in the desert.

However, take a look at how they're shot.

This, versus

This.

And, just as important...

This scene.

AND this scene.

As I said in my first post, the reunion scene is shot that way--with Will making direct fucking contact with the camera--because he's supposed to be the one you're paying attention to in that scene. Not El and Mike.

Likewise, you're supposed to be paying attention to Dustin's feelings in the shot where he's watching Lucas and Max, but you'll notice some key differences.

One, Lucas and Max arriving together is shot as significant, as the focus, before it shifts to Dustin's reaction, instead of Dustin's reaction being shoved INTO their arrival. There's an over-the-shoulder shot to show that he (and Steve) have noticed Lucas and Max arriving, but the focus is still on Lucas and Max, reiterating what the audience already knew, that they're blatantly going to be The Couple, as was made pretty clear by their previous scenes, which brings me to the next point.

Their previous scenes. Their previous scenes. Lucas and Max had previous scenes leading up to that moment in the junkyard. THOSE--Lucas filling Max in, showing up at her house, convincing her to sneak out so that he can prove that everything he's been telling her is true and winning her trust, and Max giving him at least that much benefit of the doubt--were the real equivalent to El and Mike reuniting in the desert (isolated from Will). You want the audience to care about a couple? This is what you do. You give them private moments. And I was truly remiss in my first post not to point out that...Jonathan and Argyle were also there. So was fucking Brenner. Why didn't we see them? Why was the scene shot in such a way that you briefly forgot their existence but Will Byers was staring into your soul? You know why.

Getting back on topic, the final piece of the puzzle here is the scene that followed Dustin accepting that Max liked Lucas and not him. Once more, Lucas and Max have a private, tender scene. Emphasis on private. Once more, we get them alone. They talk, get everything they have to say out in the open, and only once the conversation comes to a lull does the story move on.

You know what the equivalent scene would be for Mike and El? Well, you've got one of two options, and neither is great for them.

First, you have Mike in that scene where he makes the glasses and he starts to say something to El but immediately gets interrupted by Argyle throwing pizza on the table, ker-splat.

And second, you have the infamous "I love you" scene. Which they are emphatically not alone in. Famously, Will starts that conversation in the first place, and his face is hovering over Mike's shoulder the whole damn time. (Again, this could have been shot in ways that made us forget he existed for a little while, and the show decided not to do that.) But, I really must impress the importance of this...

EL. AND MIKE. WERE NOT. EVEN. IN. THE SAME SCENE. AT ALL.

They weren't even in the same place! Not consciously, at least! Sometimes the camera would show El on the counter and it'd be, like, the tip of her nose and a little bit of her brow, but that does not count. That's like showing the phone in a phone call. Her body is basically an inanimate object that only allows verbal communication at this point. Then who was phone? EL WAS PHONE.

Okay, outdated memes aside, my point is that this is not how romantic scenes work. There are things missing, things wrong, and things very present in places where they should be absent. And the creators clearly know this because those are the rules they've laid out before and the path they've followed since. Mike and El never had any private, intimate, romantic scenes in season 4, despite having them earlier in the show. This is carving out the trajectory of their relationship moving forward. It is a vector, it has direction and force, and it is going straight toward the bitter end.

So I guess this is mostly about why El and Mike aren't happening than why Will and Mike are. Which is only part of the equation, true enough. To play devil's advocate here, maybe it's possible that the result is that El goes on to be happily single because there's so much more to life than stupid boys, Mike lets go, and Will pines for the rest of his days. Sure, whatever. Possibility, I guess.

One thing, though.

You wanna know who did have private, intimate scenes before and after the desert reunion?

Ya bois Michael Wheeler and William Byers, that's who.

Edit: I meant to say one more thing that I'm just realizing I forgot to mention. Dustin's face while he was watching Max and Lucas was clearly visible while Will's is not. We can see HIM, but not his FACE. This is like placing a wrapped box in the middle of the kitchen table and saying "Do Not Open Until Xmas". We're gonna unwrap that later.

[lucieebrey]

KER-POW!

KER-SPLAT!

YAZOO!

A childhood fave.

[fandom-junk-drawer]

The Witcher Headcanon (Modern Au) - Error 404 Brain Not Found: Bonus Scene - Part 10

Jaskier wandered the aisles of the grocery store, his third of the grocery list in hand. He had managed to convince Yennefer that the supply run would go faster if they split up.

Yennefer hadn't been too thrilled about the idea of Jaskier running around loose by himself, but they were trying to get to Kaer Morhen to visit Vesemir and Peepers, and Jaskier's suggestion had actually been logical.

Plus, she just couldn't say no. Not when he had looked at her with those puppy eyes, and turned up the charm level. And it didn't help that he'd gotten his hair cut and had gone from the Sexy Long Hair, back to the short style Yennefer called his Babygirl Hair.

They joined the line for the register, adding a few drinks and snacks to their basket while they waited.

Geralt was standing in line, hiding in his ratty Emotional Support hoodie, when he felt Jaskier nudge him. He turned to see the bard holding up two plastic packages and smiling mischieviously.

Giant Stickly Hands

Geralt gave him a slight smile in return, and turned around to distract Yennefer so Jaskier could slip them in amongst the other items.

Several minutes later, and they were back on the road.

Jaskier sat in the front passenger's seat and opened the Giant Sticky Hand. He swung it around, slapping it on random surfaces as he got a feel for it. He slapped it against the inside of the windshield a few times, giggling at the sound it made.

He saw Geralt glancing longingly at the novelty toy while trying to keep his attention on the road.

Jaskier handed him his sticky hand, and opened the other one. Yennefer felt the van start swerving slightly and looked up to see the two idiots swinging giant sticky hands at each other.

"Jaskier, stop distracting him! Geralt, keep your d*mn eyes on the road! Melitele, you two tw*ts are going to cause an accident!"

The sticky hands disappeared. Until they stopped for lunch and a chance to stretch their legs.

Yennefer almost had a coniption when she found out Jaskier and Geralt had brought their giant sticky hands into the restauraunt. Geralt had come back to their booth after getting his drink, and Jaskier hand swung his arm and snapped the sticky hand right on Geralt's a**.

Geralt had pulled out his sticky hand and swung it at Jaskier. He missed, and it splatted on the acrylic booth divider next to Jaskier's head.

"You brought those d*mned thing in here? " Yennefer had whispered fiercely to them. "Put them away!" Gods, why did they always have to embarrass her in public? People were already staring!

Jaskier responded to her demand by being the menace that he was, and using the sticky hand to steal her paper napkin.

He and Geralt had started snuffling and snorting quietly, trying to hold back the laughter as Yennefer sat across from them, fuming in silent embarassment. The sticky hands yo-yo'ed in random directions as Geralt and Jaskier completely disregarded the death glare Yennefer was giving them.

Yennefer tried to ignore them and find her happy place so she could at least eat. She contemplated getting up and leaving both their a**es here; just walking out and using her magic to start the van and drive away. It would serve them right.

Geralt's sticky hand slapped right over Jaskier's mouth as he opened it to spoon his food into it. He made a humorous sound and pulled the sticky hand off, whisper laughing, "You f**ker!"

Geralt grinned smugly, then snuffled and almost spat out his onion rings when Jaskier's sticky hand landed in his lap. "B**stard!"

Yennefer almost laughed when, completely by accident, they slapped each other in the face at the same time.

Geralt looked at Jaskier

Jaskier looked at Geralt

The hands started rapidly flying in random directions, accompanied by a symphony of whispered noises.

Yennefer finally had to put her foot down after a sticky hand landed in her food.

She used their mental link and her Mom Voice. "Put those d*mned things away right f***ing now!"

Jaskier and Geralt both jumped at the sharp mental tone. It was pure wrath and the promise of swift and instant consequences if it was not obeyed.

But Jaskier, emboldened by the fact that they were in public, decided to F**k Around and Find Out.

"Make me!" he replied playfully, only to double over seconds later as Yennefer shoved the toe of her dress shoe into his crotch.

"F**k, my baws!" he whisper wheezed breathlessly.

Geralt immediately put his sticky hand away and focused on what was left of his meal. He did not want a foot to the balls too.

The rest of the meal was uneventful aside from Jaskier blowing his straw papers and throwing wadded up paper napkins at her.

Yennefer, unfortunately, had to stand in line, waiting to pay, while Geralt and Jaskier continued their Giant Sticky Hand fight.

Yennefer did her best to pretend like the two grown men behind her weren't acting like two feral 5 year olds. She was impressed with the register attendant's ability to keep a straight face and stay focused.

Once the bill had been settled, Yennefer quickly herded Geralt and Jaskier outside, where she immediately took each of them by an ear and strode determinedly to the van.

Geralt and Jaskier shuffled along beside her, bent over awkwardly and making various noises of discomfort.

"You embarrass me," she growled darkly, "And I will embarrass the ever living h*ll out of you!"

The few children in the parking lot moved closer to their parents and were suddenly very well behaved. They knew an angry Mum when they saw one. And they didn't want their Mum to get any ideas.

There were more than a few whispered questions of "Mum, why's that lady got those men by the ear?" And the simple reply of, "Because they weren't behaving, love".

Geralt and Jaskier did the Awkward Walk of Shame all the way to Roach.

Never had Geralt regretted his habit of parking far away from everyone more in his life.

Yennefer let them go when they reached the van, and Geralt immediately dug his keys out of his pocket and rushed to get out of the public eye.

Jaskier immediately opened his mouth because he had zero sense of self-preservation.

"What the hell, Yen, I-!" Jaskier began in righteous indignation, only to choke back the rest of what he was going to say when he saw the look on Yennefer's face as she snarled, biting out each word.

"Get. In. The. F***ing. Van. Julian."

"Yesma'am!"

They drove in silence for a while to give ruffled feathers time to settle.

Yennefer was sitting on the bed in the back, reading that book Madeleine had recommended when something smacked her on the side of the face. She yelped in surprise and dropped her book , swiping at her face.

Giant Sticky Hand.

Unbelievable.

"You kn*b head!" she snarled.

"That's for kicking me in the fork!" Jaskier laughed, then squealed, dropped the stickly hand, and started trying to get away from Yennefer.

"Hey, sit down back there!" Geralt snapped. He had to reduce his speed and do some counter steering when the van started rocking as Yennefer chased Jaskier around the inside of the van.

"Come here, you little sh*t!" Yennefer hollered, grabbing at the bard.

Jaskier was alternately laughing and gibbering as he dodged and jinked, weaved and twisted, trying to stay away from the angry witch.

Yennefer tripped him, and he fell face first in the gap betwixt the front seats. She was on him in a flash, smacking the back of his head, then ruthlessly pinching the first a**cheek she could reach.

Jaskier gave a muffled yelp and twisted onto his back, hands holding his nose. Yennefer's tone went from incensed, to worried.

"Oh, f**k! Are you alright?"

Jaskier didn't answer, he just kept groaning and holding his nose.

"Jaskier!"

"Is he alright?" Geralt inquired, trying to watch the road.

Jaskier got to his feet and started stumbling towards the bed, Yennefer following behind him.

"Jaskier! Julek! Julek, let me see!"

Jaskier turned around and slowly started moving his hands. Yennefer held her breath, guilt coiling in her chest as he moved his hands and revealed...

...his extended middle finger.

"You jacka**!" Yennefer hollered.

Geralt had to pull the van over and go save Jaskier as hands started flying.

[pastel-rights]

Rate your friends

oh this anon finally decided to come around [insert tracy happy here]

uhhh it'll be underneath the cut because it's gonna be. long as hell BWAHAHA apologizing ahead of time if I get sappy 😶‍🌫️

sap

sap

sapppp

Rina [ My first real internet friend 🫡]

RINAAA I see you. I see your art. I perceive you.

And, even if we don't talk as much as we used to in the past, you'll always be the first of many great people I've met. And, I really love and appreciate your presence in my life. Dare I say it was life-altering!!

Ocean, Shamia, Arella, and all your other ocs, I'm cradling them in the palms on my hands so so lovingly. I have so many things I need to tell you to be honest !! But goddamnit I have work every night so I'm always busy doing something wahhhh

Anyways.

New Shamia reference when? I need to draw her and her blonde bitchass dog [ jack ] again they're so funny and I miss them 😭

Blue [ My lifelong irl to internet friend ]

From an IRL friend to now an online friend, we just can't get rid of each other. You're so cool...

You don't use tumblr so, I won't talk much further... but I do appreciate you. And all your silly Itto shrine moments.

Tae [ My Beloved Wife 🫶🏼]

She's the Cro to my Lee.

The Shuichi to my Kaede.

The President Barbie to my Stereotypical Barbie.

The Kafka to my Bladie [ unfortunately /lh ]

Theeeee Raiden Ei to my Yae Mikooooo.

My wife is many things to me!! I really really love your art and your writing, and you're always so kind and funny and I just wanna grrrrr I just want to hold all your ocs and all your muses so close I love them all 😭😭😭

although

YOU.

YOU

FUCKING

ASSHOLE /lh

THAT ORPHY EDIT. THOSE KAFKA BLADIE EDITS. THAT PEACE AND FRIENDSHIP TRIO EDIT. TRYING TO GASLIGHT ME INTO THINKING EVERYONE ELSE ISNT REAL. THE MURDER. THE KIDNAPPING. THE DART. THE FUCKING DART. OUGHHHHHHHHH

I HOPE YOU FALL THROUGH THE SKY, JOHN. KER-FUCKING-SPLAT, BITCH. I think you've driven me insane. A little bit.

But.

We're so good we are so good. Don't even WORRY about it.

Sam [ My Infamous Brother-in-Tumblr Law ]

Sam you're so. /pos

I think the Immortalpheus AU has permanently altered my perception on life.

Your writing is. well. it's painful /pos

You're so cryptic and really funny yet you and your sister make me say some weird shit during work. Like the uno cards and the Dazai shenanigans and Immortalpheus moments and whenever you drop some life shattering fics and shit you drop on others.

Crazy.

You're a very nice and fun person, all jokes aside!! You're very cool and very amazing and a delight to game with and just fun to be around??? your AU lore and your bots and everything is just so.

mwah

good friend good friend!!

french /j

Piano Immortalpheus forever immortalized isn’t that funny

Navi [ My detective in arms ]

NAVI.

OUGH.

THOSE VERITY JOURNAL ENTIRIES.

IM SO.

OUGHHHHHHH

Your art and your way of expressing your characters and your son in your writing are just soooo good I rotate them in my head so often.

Whenever I see you posting about your crimes to Tumblr, I simply giggle. Get em, Navi!!

We don't talk very often but like. I'd love to talk more. plot. commit shenanigans. heart hands.

Fifi [ fucking fifi /lh ]

I want to clasp my hands around your neck and rattle you violently /lh /pos

How are we friends /lh

We've been friends so long, it's kind of insane??? I remember first talking to you during Amy's opening event and everything just sort of spiraled from there... and every day with you is. an experience!! /pos

Still waiting for the Tower Bifty interaction fr fr [ they try to murder each other within the first five replies /j ]

Carrie [ my favorite mike enjoyer ]

CARRRIEEEEE

Number One Mike enthusiast the real Mike enjoyer.

Im always so giddy whenever you occasionally message me, even if it's just to check on me or show me how you torment Sam /lh and your writing and way of interpreting differing IDV characters and skins is so good??? I love reading them they make me so giggly.

Overall 10/10 friend would ramble to given the chance

Pins [ my boss /ih ]

MAFIA FISHHHHHHHHHH

stunning

beautiful

talented

pink enthusiast

My actual best friend, dare i say the bestest friend in the world???? every moment I spend with you is a blissful and amazing moment, and you've been through so much with me and the fact you stayed throughout it all????

I'm just... really glad you chose to stick with me this long. I can be a very abrasive and impulsive person, and yet you care for me, even with all my flaws and I think that just... says a lot about you.

You're the Jade to my Chiaki.

The Rook to my Epel.

The Deuce to my Ace!

Also your art just solos everything I glow whenever I see it

Skye [ my twst buddy !! ]

Grabs you

Holds you

Rattles you

Is friend.

Is friend shaped.

Approved /lh

Four [ floyd kinnie moment ]

Stop tormenting me with the take a break floyds you SCARE me

Never will be over the fucking

Ghostbusters Floyd edit

I flex my Beans Floyd in memory of you

You’re not dead I think you’re just somewhere in the distance squeezing someone like your life depends on it

10/10 friend when we ignore the four imposed breaks /j

Beth [ my favorite aesop and naib enjoyer ]

You.

Holds you gently.

The Aesop player

The Panda Naib haver.

The beloved

The silly.

✨ Beth ✨

Your art? Immaculate. I such a adoration for your art, and whenever I’m able to catch your drawing streams??? I’m just in awe!! Your colors and outfit inspirations are just so cute so nice so well done???

You’re so. You’re so cool uwahhh

MarioGuy [ where do you keep coming from I know damn well it isn't the door /lh ]

I feel like you kind of just break into my house sometimes and make yourself known before randomly disappearing through a non existent back door /pos

You’re a delight to be around!! Every match with you is a bit. It’s uhm. Something!! /lh

Please stop breaking into my home

Rice [ i occasionally remember that Mi Bianca thing and cry a little ]

Every time I see you pop up in my notifications I just smile and giggle.

We don’t talk often but you’re just so cool and awesome and your muses are so funky fresh and your art is so good and ????

Yeah.

Klai [ you. ]

You.

Chaos gremlin.

You never learn.

But you’re funny so I guess it’s okay.

Your art is so. It’s like a shiny gem 💎 and I WANT it. Holding it hostage.

My precious friend’s doodles.

Never trusting you to prime a cipher though. No hard feelings /lh

10/10 friend!! 0/10 decoder though /j

Orange [ ORANGEEEE my favorite chaos gremlin ]

ORANGEEEEE 🍊

So funny

So talented

So cool

So so cool

Your art is so good, you’re so funny and talented and a wonder to talk to. Your ideas are so creative so unique and yet so unequivocally you and I just…

I love it!!

Orange stop being so cool /j

Clown [ the greatest step-parent on the scene!! ]

This is utter insanity Clown you can’t be EVERY MUSE’S step parents there has to be a LIMIT!!!

A LINE in the SAND!!!!

Clown PLEASEEE

But also your art.

I’ve talked so much about everyone’s art

Yours reminds me of the feeling of waking up on a snow day and realizing school is canceled.

It’s always such a delight to see!!

And while every time you open your mouth, I get a little more worried about you, you’re so so cool /lh

Lupi [ you. x2 ]

imagine arson? imagine it no more im approaching your house at rapidly increasing speeds with my hello kitty lighter /j

Sleepy [ 🫡 ]

Sleepy!! 🫂 so cool,,, you’re so cool,,, /pos

Emma [ Sorry. Only one monster lover can exist in this server peacefully. GET EM. - emma ]

The caption says it all.

Also Tatya stop accidentally seducing all the muses or nearly getting stabbed or exploded or hypnotized you are worrying the GIRLIES! /lh

Al [ you have the vibes of the drunk wine family member in a /pos way ]

I don’t talk to you often but whenever you come around, it makes me so giggly. You’re very funny and your art slaps!!

Joe [ joe the silliest ]

JOE

Joe

Joe!

Your art? Funky fresh.

The lore? So interesting I love the little snippets I see floating around.

You’re so creative

Your Embrace is so funny they scream sacrificial lamb uncle who’s kind of fun at parties /lh

They’ve also got a really nice and warm personality, chaotic yet chill and relatable.

Kind of reminds me of Sam but without the entities 🫶🏼

Nakki [ you. x3 ]

Grabs you like a squeaky toy

That’s it that’s everything tbh

Kory, Boris, Brian [ and the rest of the McMun's Hut /lh ]

And this goes out to all my friends and acquaintances in the McMun’s hut! What is wrong with all of you /pos/lh (except you Boris, you’re an Angel)

Everyone there is super chill and super nice, and they’re a lot of fun to be around. So many differing personalities yet it’s always a vibe somehow.

[jaylonhawking]

My friends when they just finished good omens

I: Aziraphale: I'm so sorry. IS there anything I can do to help? Me: Ohhh yes ye. Jump out of that wondow. Aziraphale: Oh, yes *shuffles a little close* Me: *nodding encouragement Aziraphale: KER SPLAT Me: Oh yess sserve you fucking right BASTARD ABSOLUTE FUCKING BASTARD F: Words of wisdom I must say

[thetragicallynerdy]

found the best most helpful sexy writing advice of all time on quorra

[ID from Alt text: two screenshots from the same Quorra question/answer. First, the question, which reads: How do you spell out sexual moans?

Second, an answer by Shayn M., Language-Culture/IR Consultant (201-Present) which reads:

Wheeeee! Oinka oinka! Haaaaaaheeee! A-whooooga A-whoooooga! Aaaaaargh! Hneeeeeeeee! Fnrgh! Grunt grunt! Hinggggg! Whazzo! Boink! Zowie! Ker-splat! Holy catamite Batman, this is intense! Owwwwww! Aaaaaah is that the time? Oh oh! Yeah, do me like a chicken dressed as a squirrel you fucking maggot! Slap! Fwap! Mooooo! Cockadoodledoo! Urrrrgh! Hurrrrgh!

Urk urk! Squeak ah squeak ah! Ooooooooo! Yippee Ki-yay! Thar she blows! Aaaaaaaaahm.

End ID.]

[eggs-can-draw]

komaeda anon: actually that song was used for the trailer so when it was used for one of the endings ppl lost it bc they didn't expect that song to come back in the WORST WAY POSSIBLE

Ok but the bad ending like. Completely reframes the entire song and even then the song itself fits so fucking well

[gijinkmom]

Dreamt last night that I was passed a joint and smoked it so poorly the weed fell out of it and made a cartoonish ker-splat and I immediately apologized for like an hour

[maretriarch]

derpy the type of pony to go ker-SPLAT when she hits a window pane

[might-be-max]

Entry 1 [The Page, pt1]

I’m sure everyone can remember their retail days. The periods of our lives when we worked long hours for shit pay and at the mercy of every dickhead who felt a soy sauce shortage was a legitimate reason to ruin someone’s shift. I’m still unfortunately eyeballs deep in that phase of my life. I sure wish that soccer moms with bad haircuts or thumb-shaped juice heads with little-man syndrome were the biggest of my problems. We all make jokes about working retail being Hell, some even compare it to purgatory. A between space where time passes at a painstaking crawl. It’s nothing compared to this. 

I had my back pressed against a cold refrigerator in the appliance showroom. I was starting to get the hang of this disturbing version of hide and seek, but I was getting pretty tired of being the one hiding all the time.

I could hear the subtle, deep-throated clicking of the creature as it made its slow pursuit up the aisles, meticulously searching. It knew I was here, they always did. I could see the arch of its back over high shelves and its gangly limbs clinging to beams to keep its balance.

I held my hands over my mouth and tried to steady my breath as the creature made its clumsy advanced. A viscous sludge oozed from its skin sounding like tar when it dripped to the floor. The sludge, eating away at everything it touched like corrosive Piranha Solution. It smelled of hot Florida dumpster. Like burnt tire rubber, warm beer and melted plastic with the nose-curling sourness of spoiled food. I could feel the muscles in my gut sizing, threatening to eject the dry cereal I shoveled into my mouth this morning. 

The refrigerators rattled as I saw a meaty clawed hand the size of a large dog cling to their tops followed by the sound of ragged breath. The smell grew heavier as the hand slapped from one fridge to another until it settled atop of mine. It sat there just long enough to wonder if I’d been found before it, along with the smell, vanished entirely.

*Oh thank God…*

I waited for my heart to move from hammering in my throat to back in my chest. I peek my head out from behind the fridge to see no one. I was alone again. 

“Management nearly got you this time, man.”

Or at least I thought I was. I about pissed myself and quickly turned around to find a mannequin standing within shoe throwing distance in an ugly sweater and pair of fitted khakis. 

“FRED! Jesus Christ! I told you to start announcing yourself!” 

“I mean, I could have. But then you would have ended up as Sheryl’s lunch.”

I know what everyone would be thinking right about now. “This guy is hiding from monsters and talking to mannequins, he’s probably nuts,” and yeah… you’d probably be right. But consider this first— I work retail. I deserve to be crazy, so reserve all judgments for now. 

The mannequin, Fred, swung his body from side to side, stiffly waddling over to me.

“What’d you do to make her mad this time? Breath too loud? Sit too long?”

I stood up and dusted the lint bunnies from my pants. “Fidgeting with a sign stickytab…” I said.

“Yeah, that’ll do it. She got Juan earlier, poor bastard didn’t even see her coming.” 

Fred looked like a life-sized Ken Doll and spoke with a New York accent. His mouth never moved though. It was permanently fixed into a smile, filled with a row of perfectly straight, white painted teeth. But his eyes… those moved. They seemed to follow you. It was like one of those spooky old paintings where the eyes seemed to track you around the room, no matter where you went. It was a little creepy.

“Donkey tattoo Juan? I liked him. He didn’t give me as many stink-eyes as the others.”

“Well, he’s got no eyes to stink with anymore. Squashed like a watermelon, KER-SPLAT. Sheryl didn’t even stop to lookit’em.”

“Yeesh…”

“Better him than us.”

“Us? It won’t eat you. It'd be like eating a plastic bead,” I said as I began to re-face the water filters again. 

“I mean. Yeah, but I’d give her indigestion for you if she ever does!” Fred made an attempt at putting his hands on his hips with an awkward, rubbery squeak.

“How noble of you.”

If Fred had been endowed with the gift face muscles, he’d probably be wearing a shit-eating grin.

“It ain't easy being a Hero!”

I listened again to see if Sheryl was still around. Can never be too careful with Manager “Five Ears To The Ground” Sheryl. The screams in the distance told me it was somewhere in Household Chemicals which meant there was around six miles of store between us.

 The hellscape where I work is called Thetamart. It was supposed to be like a super shopping center, best described as if a mall and Costco had a baby. But this baby was unfortunately disfigured so horribly it broke and disregarded the laws of the reality we live in. All that to say, ThetaMart is like a retail affair baby if H.P. Lovecraft was the mistress. It’s full of impossible creatures, monsters and products an insane person couldn’t even conjure in their strangest fever dreams. 

Everything inside of ThetaMart is white— a stark, sterile white from floor to ceiling, with shelves that stand several tall men high. There’s the lingering smell of cheap plastic in here, and the only thing piercing the constant mind-numbing silence is the distant sound of tinny elevator music that seemingly comes from everywhere and nowhere. The tune feels so familiar, just not enough to place or follow. If that wasn’t chilling enough, the screams that abruptly break the silent hours when management is close by is frightening enough to start the heart of a dead man. 

Which is why it was so strange when first, a momentary blanket of silence fell over the store, like what they do for memorials. It was an oppressive, drawn out stillness before being broken by a voice erupting from the invisible speakers. 

“Max, there is a call waiting for you on—” The page was followed by a shrill garble that sounded like Jabba The Hutt was choking on rocks before it went silent again. 

I looked at Fred. 

“What the fuck was that?”

“You got a page man, you gotta answer it.”

“How? There’s no phone in this department.”

The nearest working phone that I knew of was in electronics which was about six or so miles away. I'd just cut my losses and throw myself from the highest shelf. There was no way I'd make it without being maimed or eaten before getting there. As absurd as this place is, I don't think trekking over Toys and finding a Playskool Elmo & Friends Smartphone would cut it either. 

“Well it won’t stop paging you till you answer it, and trust me. You’re gonna wanna answer it.”

“What… What happens if I don't?”

He doesn’t respond and instead stares silently for a moment. 

“…Hello?”

He lunged forward and snatched my phone.

“Hey!” 

I swiped to get it back but Fred was quick for a guy with limited mobility.

“Sorry pal, you’ll thank me later!” 

He began to speed-waddle away. I actually had to run after him just to keep up, which was impressive considering his legs only moved in two directions. 

“Fred! Fred! I can’t— I can’t leave without my—“ 

He disappeared, heading deeper into the store. 

“Aw man…”

Considering the short time I’ve been here I’ve learned a lot about this place and how it operates, sort of. In the grand scheme of it all, I probably know absolutely dip-squat. But because of these dubious guidelines, I’ve made it far enough to share this. 

1. Stay away from the other associates. They may look like people or potential survival partners. Perhaps the last anchor you could hold steadfast to sanity with. But they are absolutely, definitely not. Far from it. Avoid them at all costs. They might have been human once, but they certainly aren’t anymore. 

2. The areas that turn yellow, or the zones of the store that are more decrepit than the other areas and are more prone to Management activity. That’s what Sheryl is. The denizens of this place are known as Management. The higher the status, the nastier they are.

3. Be sure to follow the first two rules no matter what. It will make life a lot easier.

Funnily enough, Fred actually bestowed upon me a lot of the knowledge I’ve accumulated about this place. Which pissed me off even more when I had to actively choose to break all three rules.

“Fred! This isn’t funny! I don’t have time for your crap!”

I continued walking at a brisk pace, following the distant taps of hollow dress shoes. All around me the fluorescent lights became yellower, more tarnished. They flicker and hum overhead and some blown out completely. 

There are pillows and overturned furniture, soggy boxes, and broken glass strewn about the linoleum. The smell of stale old couch stuffing and mildew penetrated the air and hung like a wet blanket making it slightly uncomfortable to breathe.

I walk beneath the hanging sign saying in bold blue letters, *Home and Decor*. 

Oh crap. I found myself reconsidering how important my phone really was. I could just buy a new one. Sure, the other one isn’t even paid off yet. But is it really worth being eaten or squashed or… whatever it is monsters do to people? A scrawny college student sustained purely off of ramen and espresso can’t taste that good, right? Just when I talked myself into abandoning my phone with every puppy pic of my dog I had ever taken, I felt eyes fixed on me. I had been spotted.

“Maxwell…” *Shit*. 

I very slowly turn around to find looming over me, was Nosferatu. 

Well, he’s not actually Nosferatu, but he could have had me fooled if this were a Spirit Halloween. 

“Ralph. You look uh… alive, today.”

Ralph’s skin clung to his skeletal frame like wet toilet paper. The white of his eyes were as sunken and yellow as the lights around us, and his apron identical to mine covered in various stains of several concerning colors. I tried my best not to stare at them as he leaned down and hovered closer to my face. 

His irises glistened a gross, milky white with something swirling behind their film. 

“Why aren’t you in your department, Maxwell?”

Now would’ve been an amazing time to be great at lying, but I wasn’t much of a talker at the best of times.

“Uh…I was getting…” 

My eyes began to frantically dart around for a sign or—

“Milk!”

“…milk?”

“Yeah, milk! Can’t have my bones breaking on the job right?” 

I made an attempt at a playful punch, but Ralph was *so* much squishier than he should have been. I felt my stomach lurch when my fist sunk through his arm and into his torso like a damn slime-filled stress ball. Accept instead of alleviating stress he makes it so, so much worse.

He stared at me for a moment in unimpressed silence. Ralph was a supervisor. Not only that, but I managed to piss him off twice in my first week. Needless to say, he’s far from my biggest fan. He also makes me really uncomfortable.

“You are heading in the wrong direction…”

“O-oh really? Sheesh, I’m still getting turned around. Three weeks and I still have no sense of direction. Typical Max!” 

I took a step back. 

“Well I better be on my way now. Looks like I’ve got a ways to walk.” 

“I’ll call for assistance.”

“NO–“ *Lying isn't working, try being honest-*

“Why is that…”

“You’re gross—” *Too Honest!*

He said nothing.

“I mean, grossly understaffed! You look like you are barely holding on with these dang staff shortages right? I don’t want to impose!” *Nailed it.* 

He continued to eyeball me for a tiny eternity. All I could do was stand there and sweat. *Maybe if I don’t move he will leave… like a T-Rex*. Unfortunately, Ralph didn't follow predatory chicken rules. He took a step back and very, very slowly started opening his mouth. It stretched and cracked like the Conjuring House with osteoporosis. His teeth were rotting and twisted, and his tongue was a sickly purple color. If I wasn’t running on three hours of sleep and two RedBulls, I probably would have started screaming like a kid in a haunted Chuck E. Cheese. Just as Ralph took in an impressively deep breath to shriek or howl or whatever awful sound the supervisors make to summon managers, I saw my phone fly out of seemingly nowhere with the momentum of a bullet. It twirled wildly like an IOS throwing star and very effectively caved in the right side of Ralph's face. 

He fell to the floor with a tragic plopping sound that reminded me of a soggy banana peel landing in a puddle.

“BOOYAH!”

Fred sprung out from behind a loveseat and started doing an awkward victory dance.

“Shoulda tried out for the Yankees!”

“Hopefully you have some reflexes to go with that throwing arm! You’re lucky I don’t do the same to you for running off with my phone!” 

“Aww come on Maxy, I had to get you moving somehow.” 

I didn’t respond. Instead, I leaned down and plucked my phone from Ralph’s caved-in dome. It came free with a moist snick. Thankfully there was no grey matter or blood, just a gross and slightly greasy film where his skin and my phone made contact. 

“If I have to touch one more bodily secretion that isn’t mine one more time this week….”

Fred slowly stuck his foot into Ralph’s side and laughed when the old man made a sound like a deflating sponge cake. 

“Eh, you get used to it. Now let’s get this show back on the road.” 

“Uh, no. I need to go back to appliances where it's safe. I haven't even been over here for five minutes and Ralph was ready to hand me a pink-slip from life.”

Fred somehow managed to blow a raspberry without his lips moving and pat my shoulder.

“He wishes he had the clearance to do that. All he can do is hoop and holler. Ain't that right, Ralphy?” 

Ralph, now drooling, said nothing and only continued to make more squishy deflating noises.

“Is he ok?”

“Oh yeah, I saw him get crushed by a shelf once. He’s even been sat on by Bonnie and still got up. He was totally fine too. I’m sure he enjoyed getting sat on more though, sly dog.”

“Wow–”

“I know right? He’s all about that bass. I respect that.”

“Ew, n-no I mean does he just not die or… does he not have bones?”

He looked back down at Ralph, then back at me. 

“Well he's got somethin’.” 

“How the heck did he get a squash-proof card?”

“Ha! What, you want one too? Trust me, you don’t want what he’s got. Shit’s probably terminal.”

“What’s that mean?”

Fred did something that looked like he was trying to shrug. Trying and failing. He also had the nerve to take another swipe at me in an attempt to grab my phone again. 

I jerked it away just in time and slapped his plastic hand away. 

“If you don’t cut it out!- Why did you bring me here anyway!? You hate Home and Decor.” 

Fred looked like he was about to say something, seemed to buffer then looked back down at Ralph one last time. 

“Well, my original plan was to ask Grandpa Pudding here if he still happened to have a phone but I’d doubt he’d tell us now. Guess we go with plan B.” 

“What’s plan B?” I asked. Fred answered this by taking another swipe at my phone. I stuck it in the air as high as I could manage. 

“HEY! God you’re worse than a three-year-old today! What the hell man?!” 

I’ve seen Fred do some pretty weird stuff, aside from the living mannequin thing. All it took was the fraction of a second for me to blink for Fred to be gone with my fucking phone again. I looked at my empty hand, then over my shoulder at him booking it down the aisles. Before I could sputter the creative string of swears I had threaded together just for Fred’s ears the store was plunged into silence again.

“Uh-oh.” It lasted a few seconds longer than before.

“Max there is a call waiting for you on—”

The horrible sound it made was louder. So much louder this time. 

I slapped my hands over my ears and could feel the sound vibrating in my chest. It only lasted for a moment, but that's all it took to leave me with an annoying ring in my ears. *So that's what he meant.* 

Now begrudgingly coming to terms that this shift was going to be a probably very dangerous trek across the store, I looked back at the now deflated Ralph. Within moments of being clocked with my phone, he looked like a snake was running around in a human suit and shed him at some point. I almost wanted to feel bad, but he was a dick and I thought better of it. I instead opted to start going through his pockets. 

"Let’s see… food tokens, a box cutter, and some new blades. I’m sure those will come in handy." 

I had made the mistake of losing my pocket knife on my first day to the disembodied appendages that live under the shelves in aisles 12 and 16. Don’t ask— that’s a story for another time. I clicked up the blade and the thing extended to almost four inches long. 

“How many newbies like me have you used this thing on, Ralph? Cause I certainly haven’t seen you open any boxes.” 

I stood, gave him one last squishy nudge with my foot, and went to go find that stupid mannequin…

The Home and Decor department almost reminded me a bit of a decrepit thrift store. The musty smell of old, used things and old, used people. Ralph fit in perfectly with the washed-out background that was bathed in piss yellow. But I also couldn’t help but wonder, why did this side of the store look as awful as it did? There were even water stains on the fiberglass ceiling tiles way up above. Everything I’ve seen of the store looked awful in some capacity, but the level of awfulness here was borderline ridiculous. 

My job here had me stuck in a different department every shift, something referred to as a *Floater*. Basically, I was being trained in a bit of everything. The one who hired me told me that I would have this position until I found my place. I thought that statement was strange, because I was only supposed to be here for about four months. At one point I was certain I would stay longer. Twenty dollars an hour for a retail gig sounded like cake, but now I find myself wondering if I’ll even last that long. 

“You’ve been standing there for an awfully long time, Maxwell.” 

The sound of a woman’s voice hung itself in the air and arrested my attention, it was enough to snap me back into the moment so hard I nearly got whiplash. Wet and broken glass crunched under my feet as I spun. I pull out my new box cutter, holding it out in front of me like I could actually fight something if I needed to. 

“It’s Max. And a guy can’t take a second to collect his thoughts?”

“Sure you can, but standing in the middle of an aisle muttering to yourself might be considered a little…crazy, wouldn’t you say?” 

A massive spider, as big as a Volkswagen Beetle slowly peered over the shelves that had been covered in ugly pillows and rested atop of it. She had a shiny black body and long, sharp legs that still shimmered like obsidian spears in the low light and easily extended around 17 feet. Her eight eyes were a deep red, and her front two legs ending in unmistakably human hands with painted, manicured nails. Janis, from what I understand, is one of the vendors. She’s also one of the few creatures in here I don’t find myself running and screaming from, shockingly. She’s just kind of a bitch.

“Considering the things that go on here I’m not exactly concerned with what uh… people think of me,” I say slowly aiming the box cutter away. The giant arachnid almost seemed to smile smugly at me from her perch, her mandibles moving and twitching as she spoke. 

“Oh, not enjoying your position? You seemed so enthusiastic a few weeks ago.”

“Why in God’s name do you think I would be enjoying this place? I just had a run-in with Ralph I’ll be trying to scrub from my mind for the next three weeks! And I had no idea the shit I’d have to deal with a few weeks ago! This is entrapment! It’s illegal! ”

Janis tapped her perfectly polished claws against the metal shelf like an irritated Disney villain, making annoying tink sounds.

“Still on that are we? Not the brightest color in the box. But a busted-broke college student down on his luck with $5 to his name… people like you thrive in extreme situations. You adapt. Not because you want to, but because you are in the unique position of not having any other choice.”

“I don’t want to adapt or change or anything! I just wanted a job!! Not to end up with a new list of phobias or nearly be killed every time I clock in! Twenty bucks an hour isn’t worth dying for!”

“Well seeing as how you were hired here, no one will miss you if did bite the dust. So make the best of the situation, learn. Maybe bitch less, it will make you more likable.”

“... Ouch.”

“It’s true.”

“I know…I know it’s true. But you didn’t have to say it.”

“ThetaMart, as well as being a space between, has the ability to bring out something in people they would rather not look at. It changes them into something more—” She looked at a moldy pillow sitting beside her on the shelf, she huffed while pushing it away and it went tumbling to the floor with a wet plop. 

“More compelling, I'd say. You get to break the monotony and forget how small you are.”

“I am perfectly comfortable with how small I am, thanks.”

“What a winner. I’m sure your girlfriend shares the same sentiment.”

“Was there a point to you Grudge-crawling up there, or are you just here to harass me?”

“I like having the high ground, and I wanted to give you a bit of friendly advice.”

“Well don’t leave me in suspense Obi-Wan.”

“Who’s that?”

“He’s— …never mind. What is it?”

She sighed and slowly lowered herself down the shelf, creaking under her weight as she did so she lowered her voice to a whisper.

“You know how they tell you to stop and smell the roses?.”

“Yeah?”

She reached her hand down into my apron pocket and took out one of the food tokens I had lifted from Ralph. They were made of tarnished brass. 

“You may want to skip it this time where you’re going. As for these…” She examined one of them closely.

“Heads or tails, little bug?” 

“Uh…t-tails.” I said. She hummed and flicked the coin into the air, I watched the coin owl-eyed as it hovered above us for just a moment before she snatched it and slapped it down on the outer side of her hand. I shuttered reflexively at the quick motion, then felt embarrassed for doing so. Janis seemed to grin in amusement, peeked under her hand at the coin then extended it to me. 

“Tails. Luck sways in your favor today. Use it wisely and you might see the end of your shift.” she said.   

“You can’t really determine that with a coin. Luck isn’t real.” 

“You are really going to look a giant talking spider in her face and say–” she lowered her voice a few octaves and said in the universal guy voice, you know the one “Luck isn’t real.” She did have a point. But to accept luck was real, was to accept my luck up until this point was actually kind of shit and I had no idea why or if I had any way to change it.

“Well if luck is real…it’d be nice to catch a break. But I’m not saying it is.”

“Whatever you say, Floater.”

She sighed and rubbed all eight of her eyes. 

“That mannequin wanted me to pass this on to you…” She pulled out a pair of pink flower clippers from seemingly nowhere.

“Go to Garden & Live Goods. He’s waiting for you there. Like I said, avoid smelling the roses.”

She handed the clippers to me and tisked.

“Dumbass.”

“Like, roses specifically or–.”

“Get to steppin’ I have work to do.”

 I eyed the clippers. They made a satisfying snipping sound when I pulled the handles.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it. Really.” 

In typical spider fashion, she crept back up the shelf and disappeared over the other side. If every spider is as rude as she is I don’t know if I feel quite as bad as I used to when I would bring a shoe down on them. 

I stuck the clippers in my apron, and began to head in the direction I was pretty sure was garden.

[thevoiceofdesertbluffs]

Falls on you

AUGH!!! *you fall on me and we both ker-splat into a mess of blood and guts*