#kinda wish I could just have a day to myself and paint for a whole day | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

fromkenari · 10 months

Text

A mass of fools and knaves

The full email exchange between Alex Claremont Diaz and Prince Henry Fox Mountchristen Windsor from Chapter Nine of Red, White and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. Put here for my best friend to read.

A mass of fools and knaves A [email protected] 8/10/20 1:04 AM to Henry H, Have you ever read any of Alexander Hamilton’s letters to John Laurens? What am I saying? Of course you haven’t. You’d probably be disinherited for revolutionary sympathies. Well, since I got the boot from the campaign, there is literally nothing for me to do but watch cable news (diligently chipping away at my brain cells by the day) and sort through all my old shit from college. Just looking at papers, thinking: Excellent, yes, I’m so glad I stayed up all night writing this for a 98 in the class, only to get summarily fired from the first job I ever had and exiled to my bedroom! Great job, Alex! Is this how you feel in the palace all the time? It fucking sucks, man. So anyway, I’m going through my college stuff, and I find this analysis I did of Hamilton’s wartime correspondence, and hear me out: I think Hamilton could have been bi. His letters to Laurens are almost as romantic as his letters to his wife. Half of them are signed “Yours” or “Affectionately yrs,” and the last one before Laurens died is signed “Yrs for ever.” I can’t figure out why nobody talks about the possibility of a Founding Father being not straight (outside of Chernow’s biography, which is great btw, see attached bibliography). I mean, I know why, but. Anyway, I found this part of a letter he wrote to Laurens, and it made me think of you. And me, I guess: The truth is I am an unlucky honest man, that speak my sentiments to all and with emphasis. I say this to you because you know it and will not charge me with vanity. I hate Congress—I hate the army—I hate the world—I hate myself. The whole is a mass of fools and knaves; I could almost except you … Thinking about history makes me wonder how I’ll fit into it one day, I guess. And you too. I kinda wish people still wrote like that. History, huh? Bet we could make some. Affectionately yrs, slowly going insane, Alex, First Son of Founding Father Sacrilege

McQuiston, Casey. Red, White & Royal Blue: A Novel (pp. 239-241). St. Martin's Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Re: A mass of fools and knaves Henry [email protected] 8/10/20 4:18 AM to A Alex, First Son of Masturbatory Historical Readings: The phrase “see attached bibliography” is the single sexiest thing you have ever written to me. Every time you mention your slow decay inside the White House, I can’t help but feel it’s my fault, and I feel absolutely shit about it. I’m sorry. I should have known better than to turn up at a thing like that. I got carried away; I didn’t think. I know how much that job meant to you. I just want to … you know. Extend the option. If you wanted less of me, and more of that—the work, the uncomplicated things—I would understand. Truly. In any event … Believe it or not, I have actually done a bit of reading on Hamilton, for a number of reasons. First, he was a brilliant writer. Second, I knew you were named after him (the pair of you share an alarming number of traits, by the by: passionate determination, never knowing when to shut up, &c &c). And third, some saucy tart once tried to impugn my virtue against an oil painting of him, and in the halls of memory, some things demand context. Are you angling for a revolutionary soldier role-play scenario? I must inform you, any trace of King George III blood I have would curdle in my very veins and render me useless to you. Or are you suggesting you’d rather exchange passionate letters by candlelight? Should I tell you that when we’re apart, your body comes back to me in dreams? That when I sleep, I see you, the dip of your waist, the freckle above your hip, and when I wake up in the morning, it feels like I’ve just been with you, the phantom touch of your hand on the back of my neck fresh and not imagined? That I can feel your skin against mine, and it makes every bone in my body ache? That, for a few moments, I can hold my breath and be back there with you, in a dream, in a thousand rooms, nowhere at all? I think perhaps Hamilton said it better in a letter to Eliza: You engross my thoughts too intirely to allow me to think of any thing else—you not only employ my mind all day; but you intrude upon my sleep. I meet you in every dream—and when I wake I cannot close my eyes again for ruminating on your sweetness. If you did decide to take the option mentioned at the start of this email, I do hope you haven’t read the rest of this rubbish. Regards, Haplessly Romantic Heretic Prince Henry the Utterly Daft

McQuiston, Casey. Red, White & Royal Blue: A Novel (pp. 241-243). St. Martin's Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Re: A mass of fools and knaves A [email protected] 8/10/20 5:36 AM to Henry H, Please don’t be stupid. No part of any of this will ever be uncomplicated. Anyway, you should be a writer. You are a writer. Even after all this, I still always feel like I want to know more of you. Does that sound crazy? I just sit here and wonder, who is this person who knows stuff about Hamilton and writes like this? Where does someone like that even come from? How was I so wrong? It’s weird because I always know things about people, gut feelings that usually lead me in more or less the right direction. I do think I got a gut feeling with you, I just didn’t have what I needed in my head to understand it. But I kind of kept chasing it anyway, like I was just going blindly in a certain direction and hoping for the best. I guess that makes you the North Star? I wanna see you again and soon. I keep reading that one paragraph over and over again. You know which one. I want you back here with me. I want your body and I want the rest of you too. And I want to get the fuck out of this house. Watching June and Nora on TV doing appearances without me is torture. We have this annual thing at my dad’s lake house in Texas. Whole long weekend off the grid. There’s a lake with a pier, and my dad always cooks something fucking amazing. You wanna come? I kind of can’t stop thinking about you all sunburned and pretty sitting out there in the country. It’s the weekend after next. If Shaan can talk to Zahra or somebody about flying you into Austin, we can pick you up from there. Say yes? Yrs, Alex P.S. Allen Ginsberg to Peter Orlovsky—1958: Tho I long for the actual sunlight contact between us I miss you like a home. Shine back honey & think of me.

McQuiston, Casey. Red, White & Royal Blue: A Novel (pp. 243-245). St. Martin's Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Re: A mass of fools and knaves Henry [email protected] 8/10/20 8:22 PM to A Alex, If I’m north, I shudder to think where in God’s name we’re going. I’m ruminating on identity and your question about where a person like me comes from, and as best as I can explain it, here’s a story: Once, there was a young prince who was born in a castle. His mother was a princess scholar, and his father was the most handsome, feared knight in all the land. As a boy, people would bring him everything he could ever dream of wanting. The most beautiful silk clothes, ripe fruit from the orangery. At times, he was so happy, he felt he would never grow tired of being a prince. He came from a long, long line of princes, but never before had there been a prince quite like him: born with his heart on the outside of his body. When he was small, his family would smile and laugh and say he would grow out of it one day. But as he grew, it stayed where it was, red and visible and alive. He didn’t mind it very much, but every day, the family’s fear grew that the people of the kingdom would soon notice and turn their backs on the prince. His grandmother, the queen, lived in a high tower, where she spoke only of the other princes, past and present, who were born whole. Then, the prince’s father, the knight, was struck down in battle. The lance tore open his armor and his body and left him bleeding in the dust. And so, when the queen sent new clothes, armor for the prince to parcel his heart away safe, the prince’s mother did not stop her. For she was afraid, now: afraid of her son’s heart torn open too. So the prince wore it, and for many years, he believed it was right. Until he met the most devastatingly gorgeous peasant boy from a nearby village who said absolutely ghastly things to him that made him feel alive for the first time in years and who turned out to be the most mad sort of sorcerer, one who could conjure up things like gold and vodka shots and apricot tarts out of absolutely nothing, and the prince’s whole life went up in a puff of dazzling purple smoke, and the kingdom said, “I can’t believe we’re all so surprised.” I’m in for the lake house. I must admit, I’m glad you’re getting out of the house. I worry you may burn the thing down. Does this mean I’ll be meeting your father? I miss you. x Henry P.S. This is mortifying and maudlin and, honestly, I hope you forget it as soon as you’ve read it. P.P.S. From Henry James to Hendrik C. Andersen, 1899: May the terrific U.S.A. be meanwhile not a brute to you. I feel in you a confidence, dear Boy–which to show is a joy to me. My hopes and desires and sympathies right heartily and most firmly, go with you. So keep up your heart, and tell me, as it shapes itself, your (inevitably, I imagine, more or less weird) American story. May, at any rate, tutta quella gente be good to you.

McQuiston, Casey. Red, White & Royal Blue: A Novel (pp. 245-247). St. Martin's Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

#leigh #a mass of fools and knaves #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #red white and royal blue #casey mcquiston #out of credits

41 notes · View notes

delulluart · 7 months

Note

could you post some work in progress stages of you're drawings and paintings? i am trying to improve my art and i like you're style but i don't really know how to get there. and many tutorials are for digital art only or there very anime style so it dos not very help in what i want to draw :(

but only if it is not to much work of course!

have a good day :-)

thank you, anon!

starting is really tough, i get you, and yes, i finding the tutorial for a style that you want to work in is often a struggle, but often you can apply the general rules to any style!

the most important thing is to not stop drawing! just keep going, a little bit every day/every few days and you WILL see the improvement! its super frustrating when you dont get the results you want immediately, i know that - ive been doing this for so many years now and i still produce pics that i dont like, where im disappointed in myself. but you cant let this drag you down too much, because everytime you fuck something up you learn something, too! you know then that this thing doesnt work - in a way failures are actually way more helpful. (still sucks a lot...)

as for wips: i found a few photos i took of two recent paintings; i dont know if it will help you, though. generally i just do some outlines roughly, then clean them up and then just...fill it either with paints or pencil. i dont do the whole grid method or assisting lines thing or something like that. before i start the proper drawing i often make a small quick sketch to know where everything has to go (see: first pic; youll notice its mirrored - i decided to change the entire orientation last second; i kinda wish i kept it, but its too late now) and then i just...idk? put it on the paper in a way that would make every art teacher cringe in pain (i know that, because it happened multiple times).

as for water colours its the basic rules: start with the bright parts and then go darker; make sure to use good paper, let the stuff dry before going for a new layer etc. add fine details/highlights at the end,

(hello no-hair-papa-anons, have some food here)

if you have any specific questions dont hesitate to ask, ill try to help! if you can afford it i recommend going to a proper class of an artist in your area, that can be lots of fun and really helpful. in 1st grade i was for a few weeks in a free weekly thing of a local artist and she introduced me to oil paints and taught me to just let GO sometimes of the perfectionism and the control of paints (yes, even tiny 5-6 year old me was already a control freak). the things she taught me are still with me.

#ask #it talks #Copia #ghost #wip #long post #tutorial #pls tumblr why are you hiding this post from dashboard now again i swear to the gods

12 notes · View notes

sparkliingdust · 2 months

Text

I went on a date that a friend set me up with, and it was disastrous. Long story short, he was a MAGA Supporter disguised as a musical theater/fandom/movie/etc. nerd.

And, what I learned is always follow your gut - a bunch of side shit that made the date super awkward and made me question meeting up might not be a good idea, but I went through with it anyways... Instead of listening to the yick factor, I ended up wasting my time, energy, and money. And he ended up being a dickhead and the food wasn't even good.

While I don't blame my family or co-workers who supported me going on a date and want to see me do more than go to work and go to home, if someone is actively expressing something greater than nervousness about going on a date, and are talking about how they dread being in a relationship all the way to their core, maybe respect that that they truly do not want to go on a date. My family and co-workers were 1000x more excited for me to go on a date and felt like I was making a life-altering mistake. That's not normal. lol

As someone who sees themselves as single for now, and the near future, please respect our choice to be single or on our own. I get lonely. I imagine being in a relationship. I'm open for the right person to come along, but at the same time, I know what I want, and I'm okay with not going through the whole humiliating dating process to get to that other person. Like I'm confident enough to not beat myself up over wandering 'what if I never end up with someone?' because I'm really okay with being on my own.

It's also very frustrating for women at work who are not happy with their partners and constantly tell me not to have kids because they are not happy with their family, to constantly ask me about why I don't see myself with kids, when am I going to go out on a date, aren't I lonely....not really, until you keep making me feel awful about it. There was a time when I was teenager when it was all that I imagined. I really wanted to have a traditional hetero marriage and be the mom I never had and had the family I never did - and RECORD SCRATCH - one day I realized that's exactly what my mom did. She wished to have kids to have the family she never did. And once I realized I only wanted to be a mom if it didn't mean continuing that generational cycle, I decided maybe that wasn't for me. Again, it could be some day. But if I get to that place, it will be my choice - not because co-workers think it's a good idea for me.

I've heard the horror stories from everyone around me settling for someone they don't enjoy spending life with and/or going through the humiliating process of hunting down the right person to be with..and honestly, I want to do other things with my time.... and if I can be that person that I want to spend my life with and do it without a central companion that's not a dog/cat/fish/etc, why shouldn't I be able to??

When I see people doing something by themselves for the first time, and never knew that was possible for them, it makes me kinda sad. Because of the messaging that's out there. Going to the movies, to a wine and paint class, to a museum, to the park, to the coffee shop, to a restaurant, etc. by yourself is okay. You are just trying to enjoy your own company before, or if you ever, decide to pair up with someone.

People just need to respect that shit.

#dating #single #dating advice #single advice #a lone queer wolf I guess

3 notes · View notes

beardedmrbean · 1 year

Text

A California mom and OnlyFans model — who has been accused of “pedo-baiting” by editing her photos to look like a child — has taken her own life.

Diana Deets, who was known online as Coconut Kitty, committed suicide on Feb. 12, according to an announcement on her Instagram page addressed to “all lovers and fans of Coconut.”

“It’s unfair. Life is unfair. We wish you guys could get to know her the way her friends and family did. See, she was such a light to this world. Truly she was always glowing. You could never slow that girl down,” the statement informs her more than 5.4 million followers.

“She was so hard headed and strong, but also just so kind with the biggest heart we have ever known. She was always trying to lift everyone up around her. She wanted everyone to win,” the statement continues.

Deets’ age remains unclear, as the model would refuse to reveal it, but reports suggest she was 24.

Deets was described as “the type of person who would drop everything to help you with your problems and would always be in your corner.”

The model was also remembered as “a mom, a sister, a daughter, a best friend” and a person who “could light up a whole room.”

“It could turn your whole day around. And her laugh, her laugh was so contagious,” the statement read.

The post includes two images, one a black square and the other the number 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the US.

Deets had a reported net worth of about $450,000, according to SNBC13, which cited unconfirmed reports that she had suffered from depression that may have involved backlash from her line of work.

According to a 2021 article in Rolling Stone, Deets had been criticized for editing herself to look like a child — with some accusing her of catering to pedophiles.

“I did get tired of people commenting on my looks when I was camming” she told the magazine. “It kinda bothered me.”

When asked what her real age was, Deets refused to reveal it to Rolling Stone — deeming it “irrelevant.”

She said she first tried to make money by selling her acrylic paintings, but that she needed to supplement her income further.

“At that point, I was like, ‘How can I make money off my art?’ and that’s how I decided to do digital art,” Deets told Rolling Stone. “And that’s how I created Coconut Kitty.”

Regarding her appearance online, she said: “I wanted to make something that looked like a real-life anime character — small chin, big eyes — that was made in my likeness, because I use a picture of myself and I edit it.”

She added: “I just wanted to create a fantasy, just a character. And I was able to hide my identity and still make money off my art.”

Kate Oseen, an Instagram creator and anti-porn advocate, had accused Deets of “grooming” and catfishing underage young women on social media to join OnlyFans, according to Rolling Stone.

Oseen cited a tweet Deets had posted asking women with more than 700,000 followers on Instagram to contact her for a “business opportunity.”

But Deets denied the claim and said she was only looking for another model to co-host a car event with her.

“I wouldn’t do anything in an unsafe environment, and I wouldn’t attend myself if I was unsafe,” she told the mag. “And I wouldn’t do that to someone else if it was unsafe for them.”

In addition to adult modeling, the model was developing an “ADULT HUMOR CARTOON MEETS LOONEY TUNES SERIES,” her Instagram page says.

#nunyas news

30 notes · View notes

girlreviews · 4 months

Text

Review #49: Aquemeni, OutKast

Coming in at one hour and fourteen minutes (!!!), there was this very fun time where, particularly hip hop albums really ran long and featured soundscapes between tracks and running storylines throughout. I mean I’m sure they still do but it was like, a real thing. It’s hard to imagine an album running over an hour these days.

Aquemeni is a few records in but before OutKast really were super mainstream, got burned out and quit — no Heya! here. I feel so lucky to have been growing up and listening to OutKast as they were releasing music, beginning, middle, and end. They were just interesting and different and I kinda think it wouldn’t have mattered what genre they were in (André 3000’s most recent flute record would probably agree). It had something to say about society and the world we live in, it was a relationship between two friends who had serious talent and seriously different approaches but a ton of respect for one another, and it was a ton of other musical influence. This record is so funky.

I could and might spend the remainder of this review writing about Spottieottiedopalicious which I think might be one of my favorite songs of all time. For several reasons.

One, the drums. I can’t even deal with them.

Two, the opening vocals sung by André that are, again, so funky it’s almost not right.

Three, the line “as the plot thickens, it gives me the Dickens reminiscent of Charles”. It’s really introducing the remainder of the song, which is a story, and it is fucking genius. I can’t even imagine how pleased with myself I’d be if I wrote something like that. My ego simply would not be contained. I’d just know I was better than everyone else because I wrote that and nobody else did. And rightfully so.

Four, the brass. Not a sample. ORIGINAL brass. Like, what even is this song? Move this point up to number one actually. It’s ORIGINAL MUSIC.

Why aren’t we talking about it all of the time? Why isn’t it required listening for high school students so they can play it in marching band? I’m dead serious. Okay after fussing about this on the internet for a bit I’m heartened to learn that Aquemeni, specifically, and this is amazing, is played among orchestras because of its incredible composition. Check this the fuck out! The entire album start to finish! Incredible. I am pretty sure, although I can’t find it anywhere now that I have seen a clip of at least one high school band playing the trumpet from Spottieottiedopalicious.

There was a time when this song didn’t exist, and then it did, and we should all be in awe of that the majority of the time. I don’t get why we’re not. Two people met each other and became friends and made music together and created that, and a whole bunch of other incredible music.

When I was an angsty teen, I had tickets to the some tour… I wanna say the Anger Management Tour or something like that, and I was so fucking pumped about it (I hand painted my own shirt to wear, it was the dorkiest shit ever and the less said about it the better). OutKast were headlining alongside frankly, a bunch of other subpar bands that, while I was very into at the time, have not stood the test of time whatsoever (looking at you Fred Durst). It was abruptly cancelled a few days before and I never did get to see OutKast, not at any other festival or show, which is really a huge miss. I traded in those four tickets in exchange for ten tickets to then up and coming band Linkin Park. I still remember the outfit I wore. That was a memory, and not one I’d trade for quite a few reasons, none related to Linkin Park or their music. And I do wish I’d had the chance to see OutKast live, but I can honestly say I know I wouldn’t have appreciated what I was seeing at the time. Maybe it was better that I never got to wear my DIY shirt though. I’ve embarrassed myself enough in this life.

#album review #music #music review #rolling stone top 500 #outkast #aquemini

1 note · View note

raccoon0001 · 7 months

Text

November 20th, Monday 20:38

So, first of all, hello, Im Raccoon, well at least i would like to be one. Im 17 years old and i frequently write down my thoughts when i feel sad or angry in a pink notebook by my bed, for the past four maybe three years.

And lately i have been thinking of just trying to write down my thoughts everyday, about how i feel, to know what i am even feeling, and that I'm not just overwhelmed and impulsive at the moment. So i don't ruin my next week or day by obsessing over that one boy that smiled that one time at me or was funny. Because in reality he doesn't like me and i need to step down and realise that, but maybe he does and everything is not a big fat lie, but it is. At least for me, mostly. Everything, almost, everything is fine in my life, except for being kinda fat and not having a real, single boyfriend in my 17 years of living. I know that is not that much and what i am even worrying about, because i have the whole life ahead of me(i dont see myself living past 20). Well could kind of imagine it, but because of one thing and another i always thought i would not live past 18, but now i am 17 so its quite possible i will live past 18, dont really know what will happen afterwards.

Its kind of a dilemma i know to love someone u need to first love yourself and shit, but i really hate myself most of the time, i hate how i look, i hate how lazy i am, i hate stressful i am, i hate how sick i am...yada yada yada. I know there are physical things i am able to fix, but how do i know i just wont regress? Even now im imagining how this blog or whatever this is, is gonna get popular, and be turned into inspiration for poems or people, but after all this text is just my personal feelings, about myself, for myself, that dont really make sense sometimes, because my native language is not english lol and im typing in a hurry and then gonna prob put a pretty background or something and post it if i get the courage, well its a very big probability nobody is going to read this ever, bcs lets honest who reads blogs these days..

always the artist never the muse" i have been very attached to this quote(dont know who is the author) i even begun last year attending professional art school, so i will probably never be the muse even how much i want to be one. Its almost the same with taking pictures, im always taking pictures of others and there are almost never anyone taking picture of me without asking. Well i dont really like people specially taking pictures of me, because of how ugly i look, but still, i dont know. Theres this one friend who takes pictures of me, because that of other things that that person does makes me think im gay or that she likes me, because shes gay. I think im not gay. Like i would prefer a guy fucking my brains out not a girl, but i could never imagine anyone fucking me, mby i can.. hmm not rly, maybe because i have never been fucked, or my imagination is kinda weak. Well i am in art school so i thought it should be good, but lately, well after that thing in 2018 april, I think i have been in this one giant art block. Maybe i need to go to a therapist, to sort things out, not really sure.

I wish sometimes i was a boy. And i think i stink right now, fully emotionally and physically. Whats up with that.

I must have too many dreams and too little motivation.

I dont think i should have continued art, its too much, im not even good at painting, if i actually started practicing more maybe i would, but i think im still worse than most of my peers. And in this school there are mostly girls here and i know almost nobody outside the school and town bcs i didnt even live here two years ago, the ppl who have lived here their whole childhood dont even know where to turn to get a shortcut!

My goal this evening was to paint something, but somehow i started writing a blog..

I think i should have been better of dying that day in 2018. Im not good of a person and i dont really know if ill ever change. What does actually happen after death? Has anyone thought of that? I kind of think after you die its just all pitch black and then u suddenly open your eyes and there you are as your first memory u can think of at 10 years old or whatever, like 'snap' and there you are, but dont know who you were or who you will be. I kind of want to get into biology, but idk if a have the commitment for it.

Two days ago when i was a home visiting my family, after sauna, I was sitting by the table with some other cousins at my grandmas house and one of the older cousins, who was kinda drunk btw, asked me if i had a boyfriend, i thinking already of crying and just jumping down a building calmly said: "no, do i need one?". i want one.

I think my mom is homophobic, but. i also think that im not gay, but i will probably never get a bf, because ppl these days are very obsessed by how other ppl look from the outside mostly or i just dont know a lot of ppl and real life is not like the movies or manga that i read in my free time, that i should stop reading, maybe that would solve everything.

Also by wishing that i was a male, because it really seems to be bit easier to be a boy, how the world looks at you, and how theres a lot more chance of no rejection. Maybe im just living in my small minded world and have not that many ppl with different opinions on life that would make me understand that the world works differently. A lot of ppl around me also believe we are born to fulfil our one mission here on earth, i still dont see mine here, like ppl would be fine if i went and died and go on with they're life normally, because im just this one little spec of dust besides other 7 billion dust pieces, that separately are a nobody. Maybe my family would be devastated, but prob would be prepared for this kind of event about me and i think it would be much easier for my mum if i died, she worries too much about me.

Im just lonely.

A selfish bitch.

#my thougts #will anyone see this

1 note · View note

fromkenari · 9 months

Text

Waterloo Letters #3: A mass of fools and knaves

McQuiston, Casey. Red, White & Royal Blue: A Novel (pp. 239-247). St. Martin's Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

#a mass of fools and knaves #waterloo letters #you probably see this one quoted often #firstprince #alex claremont diaz #henry fox mountchristen windsor #red white and royal blue #casey mcquiston #out of credits

23 notes · View notes

fungarian · 10 months

Text

my first love

it was december, i was on the threshold of leaving my girlhood and entering my womanhood, turning 20, leaving my teens, that's what it meant for me at that time. i was enjoying myself like never before, that was my first semester of uni, i was full of life and joy. i remember catching the flu two weeks before my england-trip. lost my voice completely and weakened my immune system by drinking and smoking almost everyday. also developed a special interest in smoking, but more for the aesthetic of it, rather than for its effects. it seems stupid, to me it seemed like i just found the perfect hobby i could have ever wished for. i was fulfilled, i made great friends and good companion and i had this yearning in me to fall in love and i indeed had a lot of crushed here and there, for that time i felt like being in love with everyone around me, it was a period of pure fun, youth. i was crowded with feelings and thoughts, i never once felt alone. after travelling to england for the holidays, i decided that im not gonna spend my time in england being bored as i have spent much of my time like that there, so i immediately started going on dates, or hangouts because initially i didnt want a relationship, i just wanted to make friends, maybe flirt a little, smoke cigarettes, get drunk in english pubs and just have fun overall. in december, i met my first love whose name was J. L., half irish - always talking about protests and historical events, educating me on the oppression of ireland, showing me irish country songs and how his half siblings were irish gypsies, always making a scene everywhere they went. he had black curly hair and an exuberant set of beard which he inherited from his french father, along with his french sassiness that made him look like a grumpy little boy. even though he detested the english he had the most annoying english accent, him being from tipton, the capital of black country, birmingham area of course, which just made the case even worse in my eyes. but i adored him with all his faults and clumsiness for about 5 whole months. our first date was a coffee date at boleros where i made him smoke cigarettes with me, just talking about anything and everything that came to our minds and felt instantly mutually understood and entertained. i remember him telling me after our date "you're so interesting, man." and it felt special, it felt like a good compliment, i was proud and happy to be me. of course i agreed to a second date which was at his house where he made me dinner, he despised fish but bought mackerel for me and made me potatoes because on our first date i told him that potatoes are my favourite food. we also painted together and listened to silly songs. on our third date he invited me to a open mic night and of course i went and got tipsy and i felt so so so so happy i could've died right there. he convinced me to perform a song and i did, i sang waltz for a night and he filmed me. later that night he asked me if he could kiss me and of course i said yes. he kissed me at the bottom of my street and i could feel him shaking while he did it. it was very pure, clean of all bad things, very childlike in a way, then smiled all the way back to my home. he later confessed that he may have fallen in love with me that night, while i was singing that song. i feel like i fell in love with me too that night, because i could feel myself just beaming, radiating love and light all over the room, everyone cheered for me and it was all smiles and laughs. after that we kinda became obsessed with each other, we would spend every other day together and i could feel myself falling in love. it happened fast, burned fast and there was a lot of passion, so much passion, sometimes i felt like i couldnt take it, and it just made me cry.

even tho it ended, and it ended horribly and it aches to this day but i think it'll ache for the rest of my life. he might not have been special but my feelings for him were. it was a perfect relationship, because our firsts and our lasts were perfect. they created a perfect circle and i didnt even realize it at the time. our last day together we spent at his house and he made me lunch. i remember crying that day because something in me told me that once i leave that house he won't love me anymore. i made a shortfilm that day, about him, while he was making my lunch and we were smokingn cigarettes in the kitchen. that shortfilm is the most genius thing i've ever filmed because its both fucking funny and incredibly sad. it was our last time being together, our last time seeing each other actually, our last time laughing together and his last time looking at me like he could love me.

we went full no contact, i havent heard from him since and i dont think i ever will in my life again. we were lovers, the right people meeting at the wrong time. he was horrible to me but i was horrible too, in a way, in many ways but not one day passes by when i dont miss him and wish to be held by him just one more time.

1 note · View note

hellinginlove · 2 years

Text

i pictured us in devoured views painted your picture hung it in the most beautiful spot in the house and covered my mind with mirrors how could i have known it was like a kind of curse connected to each other in the other universe oh here we are again just one year later same town same day same place same time facing each other was this a coincidence or was it the curse following me i'll never know i met you again where i feared losing myself facing that stranger across from me looking at me with familiar eyes oh does a killer smile at their crime favorite crime i was the one to die i remember how i lost my mind just passing by and it was all over at 18 u stole my best times from me searched for a ray of light to shelter in life at the moments when i needed to shine while you were right under the spotlight god is that fair i remember you used to worry that someone else would see my face back then i could never make sense of that but now i can't look in the mirror and i think i kinda get you how much scarier could love be and i dont even know you yet guess i carry a strangers soul inside me like a corpse my wrists numb from the pain u gave me were turning lavender blonde i watched them look at me with pity how much more vulnerable can i be how far can i go how low can i fall and here i am lost again looking at your guilty face like an extinguished weapon all night i cried in my fathers arms lord how did you drive me insane making me believe in your reality and then suddenly disappearing guess im about to lose my mind again youre almost by my side but still distanti i wish i could be more than a conscience torment in your heart i wanted to shine by your side but you pulled a black curtain over me and put yourself in front of the stage and i believed i was a huge darkness. youre showing the whole world to your new girl, while you kept me hidden from even yourself couldn't find myself for a long time will i ever be able to see myself again i dont know and then you tried to fix it all

you shattered me and blamed me for not being whole

0 notes

neowinestainedress · 2 years

Note

hellooo, sorry for the late reply i was finishing my semester but now i’m finally free!!! also i wanted to ask if i can be 💌 anon? i think i will be a lot easier to identity myself that way

“but because she became a habit” omg this hurts way more 😭😭

“you got your revenge because you made me cry, I love you so much for all the kind words” omg nooo, don’t cry ;( or at least i hope they were happy tears<3 as i said you honestly deserve all the recognition in the world you’re such an amazing writer!!! I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE FOR PUTTING SO MUCH EFFORT DOING MY REQUEST I STILL CAN’T BELIEVE IT

“TELL ME YOU TOLD HIM TO FUCK OFF” haha i wish… if haechan was an asshole my ex was x19372938292 times WORSE and i was (kinda am) literally the DUMBEST person alive ever

“at first I thought it was too much but then I kept it like this because it made sense.” yes, it was PERFECT that way because it really showed how little he cared about her

“THE STORY OF US REFERENCE OMG YOUR BRAIN I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT BUT IT FITS SO MUCH!!!” WHEN I FIRST READ THAT PART I WAS LIKE WTF THAT’S LITERALLY THE STORY OF US but then, after i sent that message i was listening to better man and i couldn’t stop thinking about how much it fitted with her situation, especially when they didn’t talk for a week with the part that says “i hold onto this pride because these days it's all i have” but honestly the whole song fits so well with the story

“he was so detached from reality like it wasn't even gaslighting he just couldn't read the room” THE NEED TO PUNCH HIM IS BACK

“I felt something similar with a friendship, when you're the only one that tries to fix it and keep it together it breaks you. (Reminds me of Come in with the rain by Taylor)” DON’T EVEN TELL ME ABOUT IT… i lost my ex and my best friend at the same time so it was really difficult for me back then literally the worst year(s) of my life. NOT CIWTR IM CRYING SOBBING SCREAMING SHAKING UNCONTROLLABLY but it is true, and at the same time i feel that breath by little mix also fits a lot with losing someone super close to you :(

“Lmao I really painted him as an asshole now I wonder if I want too far. But yeah he truly is Mr perfectly fine i hate him” nono it was perfect that way and my toxic side is hoping he can redeem himself just like joe did so they can end up together</3

“I wanted to highlight how she never reacted all those years and always forgave him and that was what always let him get away with anything because that is the thing that always surprises 'abuser' every time, it's when the other fights back and they realize they can't trick them anymore” well you did an amazing job because your point came across very clearly, abuser sucks i really want to punch them all

“I made you wait two months so I thought you were going to kill me if it was also disappointing” oh nooo, i could never be mad, even if you had made me wait a year and only write 100 words i would still be very happy with your work cause it’s the fact that you actually took the time to do something i basically told you to do when you could have simply said no. so really thank you thank you thank you, i’m glad i made you happy i hope it was just as much as you made me!!! and as i said before, all your writing is amazing so don’t feel insecure about it i could read your works all day and wouldn’t get bored<3

“I'm sorry for making you cry so much but I'm also glad it helped you somehow. You are NEVER the one to blame when someone cheats on you or hurts you in a way, always remember that.” don’t be sorry it was totally worth it!! thank you, your words means a lot

“Oh my the original request was soo good you could've asked me anyway and I would've tried doing that but you know... maybe I could still do it. Like instead of writing happier next I can write 'enough for you' still from her pov and it can be centered on her healing/moving on process. '1 step forward, 3 steps back' could be like a spin-off/prequel maybe it could even be fluffier and go back in the line of their relationship. and then happier as the ending from Haechan pov.” OMG YOU ARE AN ANGEL BUT YES YES YES I WOULD LOVE IT BUT ONLY IF YOU CAN AND WANT OFC IM SO HAPPYYYY 😭😭😭😭😭

“I want him to suffer for all the pain he put her through but I don't know... we'll see when I'll write it (and what I'll write)” YES!! i want them to end up together but i want him to suffer first and realize how much he really fucked up, i also would love to see him suffer in the way that idk maybe she really got over him so he has to make her fall in love again? idk i’ll honestly settle for ANYTHING

i must admit that even after 3 days i’m still thinking 24/7 about traitor it really was THAT good it lives rent free in my head and i’ve already read it at least 5 times (if i remember correctly).

i’m so annoying i keep writing long messages but i just really want you to know how much i loved it and how happy i am for everything you’ve done<3

hi! no worries, i reply late most of the time too. i hope your semester went well! and yes you can be anon 💌

i only cried happy tears, you made me so happy there was no way i could be sad

your ex was worst than haechan??? RUN PLEASE IM BEGGING. and also losing your best friend too... I hope you're doing better now♡ and yes breathe fits so much, some people leaving really make it feel like you can't keep going on anymore, it sucks.

oh nooo, i could never be mad, even if you had made me wait a year and only write 100 words i would still be very happy with your work cause it’s the fact that you actually took the time to do something i basically told you to do when you could have simply said no. so really thank you thank you thank you, i’m glad i made you happy i hope it was just as much as you made me!!! and as i said before, all your writing is amazing so don’t feel insecure about it i could read your works all day and wouldn’t get bored<3 gonna print this and stick it everywhere I LOVE YOU

OMG YOU ARE AN ANGEL BUT YES YES YES I WOULD LOVE IT BUT ONLY IF YOU CAN AND WANT OFC IM SO HAPPYYYY 😭😭😭😭😭 No you are a genius because the idea is so good so I'll try to write it (hoping this time it will take a little bit less than traitor)

maybe she really got over him so he has to make her fall in love again? NO BUT THIS IS SO GREAT SO WE KINDA GET BOTH??? And he has to work to get back to her asfjkls

stop it you're not annoying at all you can write as much as you want ♡

#anon answered #💌

0 notes

frogsandfries · 2 years

Text

I love migraine days

I got basically none of the diamond painting done that I intended to do today. However!

I did, this evening, finally bridge the gap between the old thumbnails and the new lineworks and I am so grateful to have this script because honestly, that is really me doing the job of lineworking for myself. Now I'm just going through the new lineworks and making sure that they also line up with the script, like I did with the lineworks from the old thumbnails. I'm getting pretty close to the end of the issue, so it's also getting to be time to find my transition to issue three.

Hopefully I'm feeling better tomorrow so I can take a really thorough crack at finishing the diamond painting.

Anyway, while I'm here, I saw an article this evening which reminded me of something I've been wanting to reflect on, but by the time I've had time and it's been on my mind these last few days, I've been too tired to actually think on the topic:

I've felt out of things to watch on YouTube, out of cool, interesting or inspiring podcasts to listen to while I work on my graphic novel. As a result, I've been watching like sketchbook tours and stuff like that. It gets me wishing that I had a YouTube-worthy, vlog-worthy sketchbook, filled with cool, colorful watercolor explorations or experiments in gouache.

I suppose I could definitely make/purchase a sketchbook just for doing like, 100 animal challenges and 100 face challenges and I could buy watercolors and colored pencils (or heck, watercolor pencils) and gouache and stuff and do line of motion studies improve my style and anatomy.

But I don't need Mermay or Inktober to inspire me or tell me what to draw. I already feel quite overwhelmed, creatively speaking, by trying to write and illustrate this absolutely gargantuan graphic novel.

Maybe one day (I doubt it), I'll need something like Mermay to inspire me and get my hand and mind moving. Maybe one day, I'll want to improve my anatomy and my style and filling a sketchbook with page after page of line of action and five-minute studies will be requisite.

Additionally, on the one hand, I don't think anyone really wants to see my linework sketchbooks or maybe it would be more of a Patreon reward kind of thing, since I'm miles ahead in linework of where I am in computing, never even mind posting. At the same time, it would definitely be fun to splash some watercolor down to break up the monotony of plain white pages. It would be fun to use colored gel pens to make my linework, instead of constantly using plain, boring black ink. I could probably even print patterned paper, but I guess I can't lose too much sleep over something that's meant to be utilitarian. The sketchbook is just a sketchbook, it's not an art journal.

And that really boils down my whole philosophy on sketchbooks. For me, sketchbooks make it easier to keep track of things like sticker/pin/patch or even poster ideas, but I'm just not really the type for little stickers or gluing in ephemera or using color in my sketches. I'm not even really comfortable with color media.

I would like to give it a try. I would kinda like to print all this stuff for my next project, but I literally probably have hundreds of pages of like, base pages and stuff to cut and layer. I was thinking about making this, I guess artist journal, the project itself, so I'm honestly not quite sure how that would go--almost might as just well make this sketchbook digitally anyway, right?

0 notes

midi4ri0love · 3 months

Text

identity ask in honour of my 17th bday by @yup-im-a-werewolf i found on pinterest

1. if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to? Psych, ATLA, MLP, Cars, Lilifee, Dionsaur Train, Middle Ages picture book, The Cruel Prince, Anne with an E, Spider Man.

2. have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who? Nope

3. list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with: AnnE (Anne), Marauders (Peter+Regulus), The Cruel Prince (Jude), MPL (Luna), Psych (Shawn).

4. do you like your name? is there another name you think would fit you better? I like my name, but maybe Angelina.

5. do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do? I consider myself a part of earth, and identify by my emotionally extreme actions.

6. are you religious/spiritual? i consider magic and believe that there is a reason all this exists. i believe in the multiverse.

7. do you care about your ethnicity? i care about my ethnicity's culture, so yeah

8. what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime? Taylor Swift, Bruno Mars, Meghan Trainor, Robbie Williams, Rachel Platten, Imagine Dragons, Linkin Park.

9. are you an artist? Yup: drawing/painting/animating, dancing, writing.

10. do you have a creed? nope.

11. describe your ideal day. i sleep til abt 9, the sunlight and a good smell of flowers and food wake me up, a loved one comes to my room and talks to me and we go to (warm/lunch-y) breakfast together, we and other 0-2 people i'm close to talk for hours at the table and drink tea, we get dressed and go skating, we come back and eat a warm meal, we paint, dance, talk and listen to music and then we read, we take a nap under the warm afternoon sun, i am left alone and can dance to music or draw or sleep and go to sleep early because i don't feel like i need to make up for lost time.

12. dog person or cat person? i always used to think i'd be a dog person and wished for one my whole life, but since i have one i love him, but realised that i'm a cat person

13. inside or outdoors? if it's warm but no sunscreen and no sweat kinda warm then outside, if it is windy outside, otherwise inside.

14. are you a musician? yup, i play the piano and the trumpet.

15. five most influential books over your lifetime: percy jackson (what mr d said abt science), the cruel prince (poisoning oneself to be immune, (war) strategies, empowering), harry potter (ruled my daydreams for abt 5 yrs now), Das Blaubeerhaus (made me a curious person), the spanish love deception (just an enjoyable read)

16. if you'd grown up in a different environment, do you think you'd have turned out the same? nope, i realised, that as a human, i am easily influenced. the power lies in actively knowing that.

17. would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the "real you"? usually only the side i don't like, not the side i show.

18. what's your patronus? a normal cat, but i feel like it should be a horse, a tiger or a goat

19. which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle? i'm a ravenclaww

20. would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else? HOGWARTS (narnia would be cool too tho, riding around with a sword)

21. do you love easily? maybe, i'm not sure what loving is. if what i do is loving then yes.

22. list the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order. sleeping, in school, listening to music, on my phone, eating.

23. how often would you want to see your family every year? depends on what part of my family.

24. have you ever felt like you had a "mind-meld" with someone? yeah, my ex-bff, sometimes it still hurts.

25. could you live as a hermit? probably easily, but maybe human contact every 2 weeks, it'd be amazing.

26. how would you describe your gender/sexuality? female, bisexual.

27. do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the "real you"? no, but it wouldn't be able to be shown in one physical appearance.

28. on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin? 2 (so easy, i seem dumb)

29. three songs that you connect with right now. Enjoy the silence (Depeche Mode), My Love All Mine (Mitski), Beautiful Life (Ace of Base)

30. pick one of your favorite quotes.

"The scariest moment is always just before you start" ~Stephen King

#qna #life of a teen girl #diary

1 note · View note

k1ng0fn0b0dy · 3 years

Note

aaaaaa so I read one of your prince!eret posts and I had an idea! (I would've wrote it myself but I wouldn't have done it any justice)

but what if Prince!Eret had a little brother? and that was reader?? maybe reader is a little rebellious and sneaks out into the villiage or smth and meets the bench trio who don't know reader is the youngest prince? so they just kinda of spent the whole day together doing stuff until Prince Eret and maybe some of the Knights find them?

idk have a wonderful day/night :)

This came out a lot angstier than the first draft had been ahskfj

Little Rebel Prince 💛

[He/him pronouns]

[3000+ words]

Description: After an argument with your brother, King Eret, you sneak out of the castle. During your adventure you meet three odd, wonderful boys. (Platonic Eret + Benchtrio x M!Reader)

[Read the rest under the cut]

{《☆》}

Eret sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. His quill (how old school) is dropped to the side, staining a random piece of parchment and the edges of his sleeves. "For the last time, Y/N, you cannot attend dinner with King August."

"Why not?" You asked, not for the first time.

"Because you're too young. We're trying to discuss a peace treaty and I can't trust you not to ruin it." Eret is blunt, finally pulling his sleeve out of the wet ink splotch and grimacing. They look into your eyes, an uncomfortable feeling really, and their expression softens. "I really wish you could be there but this dinner is not a thing we can risk. Our borders are being contested so if we want this to end peacefully-"

"I can't be around to mess it up," You cut in blithely, managing to keep a smile on your face even as your brother's fell. "Got it. Well then, I'll be in my room, making no noise and pretending I don't exist."

Eret looks older suddenly, more exhausted as they lose their words before they can even grasp them. It leaks out of every pore, staining his stare blank and deepening the bags beneath his eyes. You've never seen a person lose so much life so quickly, nonetheless he doesn't say anything as you turn. Even as you linger in the hallway, the door stays shut and so you don't let the stares of Raven and Katrina weigh you down even as every step feels like a mile.

{《☆》}

You want some sweets. Not the ones in the castle, salted more than sweetened since that's what Eret likes, but the ones from the outskirts of the kingdom where the best sweets are smuggled from "L'Manchildburg". Normally, you'd just ask Eret to send you off with Sara or Kori but for obvious reasons you refused to do so.

In vindictive anger, you stepped out of your room despite whatever wordless promise you had made. There were no guards, an oversight really but it was an oversight that would be saving you some trouble. With quick hands, you push the large painting on the wall to the side and pressed your thumb to the sharp pointed thimble.

Blood dripped onto the metal and soaked into it, glowing a faint gold glow. The walls shifted, opening to long, large corridors of stone carved to perfection. Simple cracks layered the sides and you traced where Eret had carved both of your initials as a marker, running through the halls with you, getting lost and trying not to cry. You pulled away, something bitter lodged in your throat.

The labyrinth was made by your father as a gift for Eret's obtained kingship. Herobrine was not an amazing father but no one can say he does not try.

Quick steps forward, ignoring the way the walls shift in place as they read your intentions, making way to the capital. More specifically it seemed, a dimly lit alleyway with a knocked over trash can resting at you feet. The wall clicked shut behind you, lines smoothing away and melting back into brick walls.

The road was slanted, an odd sort of tension to going down and a struggle to walk up but you've walked it so many times that getting the perfect footing was practically automatic. The restaurants littering the sides were fairly loud for the daytime, doors caught wide open for any customer to step into. You distract yourself with catching the new prices for entering, a few dollars up for the steak-house but three dollars down for the pub. Easily enough, you're standing at the top.

This area is flatter, easier to walk, but it goes down long enough that you'd end up going in circles for hours and still not seeing everything it had to offer. A passing street musician plays a bit louder for you but you step past quicker, they'd never stop bothering you if you showed any interest, though you admit that they had an excellent voice.

Turning a corner, you stepped into a familiar café. A red-tie* owned sweets shop ran by Niki, a nice lady who had dual citizenship somehow. It had a nice atmosphere despite that, soft lighting handing from the ceiling with vines tangled with the cord. High top tables pushed against the wall, beanbags pushed into a corner near some plants, a front counter wide enough to sit and eat at.

It's nice, not overly colourful but with enough plants and throw pillows to break up the monotony. You took a seat at the counter, brushing off a few crumbs leftover by a past customer. "Niki! You here?"

A soft laugh from behind you, "It's my café of course I am."

You spin the chair, leaning back against the counter. "Just thought I'd ask," You spin again as she steps behind the counter. "Are you still serving (f/s)?"

"Of course," Niki laughs again, a teasing little smile on her face. "I wouldn't be your favorite cafe if I didn't."

"Mighty confident there, Niki," You press your lips together but it can't stop your smile from growing. "What if I liked that one café on Oreli street better?"

Niki gasp, exaggerated and scandalized. "You wouldn't dare."

"Oh but I would," You are openly smiling now, a bit of an ache in your cheek that's not really helping. "Maybe I should go there now—"

"Enough teasing," Niki rest her hands on her hips, still smiling. "Do you want your (f/s) or not?"

"I do, thanks Niki," You shamelessly laugh. "As many a you've got, actually."

"You're going to dry out your pockets before the festival even starts!" The reminder makes you brighten up, even as Niki shakes her head fondly. Racking her knuckles across the kitchens shared wall, she calls out. "Ranboo, we need (f/s) please."

A small crash sounded from the kitchen, followed by skidding as the door was cracked open the barest amount, a half-white half-black enderman staring blearily at the ground. With a lighter colour face, they blurted out an vague noise of agreement and ducked back through the door.

Niki looked over at you and you looked at her. After a comically long time, she sighed and wiped her hands on a towel. "I have to go check on him don't I."

"It is your café," You nodded along, tipping your chair back a bit. "I will just wait here and—!"

Niki reached over and strong-armed you over the counter. "Nope, if I have to deal with it, so do you,"

You grumble as she let's you walk around the counter. Glancing at each other, you take the first step in.

The organized neatness of the café is ruined by the disaster that was the kitchen. The counters were cluttered with messy pots and pans, cartons of milk tilted and spilling onto the floor with egg shells broken into hundreds of tiny pieces beneath your feet. Dishes were pilled high in the large sinks, including some extras sat in relatively neat stacks by the spilled milk. A pile of mud sits on a plate, smudge marks that were probably made by someone liking it. You really don't wanna know.

"Niki, I know what it looks like," The ram-boy says slowly, backing into a taller but more scrawny avian-boy. "But I have a good reason for what happened."

"Oh yeah," With her hands on her hips and raised brows, Niki briefly entertained the ram-boy. Mistake number one. "Okay, what happened?"

"Uhm, DISTRACTION!" They screamed, immediately sprinting for the back door. At the same time the avian boy screeched incomprehensible noises with garbled curses and uselessly flapped their wings to the door. With a startled gasp, Niki accidentally pushed you towards the half-white half-back enderman hybrid who startles a yelp and everything twists.

You fall to the floor, head fuzzy with black dots like flickering lights. Someone cursed above you, reaching down to pull you to a stand. "Look what you did, Ran—bow."

"It's Ran-boo," Another voice, deeper and squeakier than the other voice at the same time. "But they fell onto me!"

"No one's allowed to fall for you except me!" A third voice said indignantly with a small air of humour, a large stomp like a tantrum knocking you more on whoever picked you up. "We should just leave them here before Niki finds us."

"She'd be even angrier if we left her friend here alone like this," The deep voice said, attempting to reason with the angry voice. The person holding you tightens their grip at the thought, holding you up a bit more. "So please, can we not."

"Fine, for Niki," The angry voice pouts, loudly dropping to the floor. "Can I draw on their face while they're asleep?"

"No, Tubbo, you can't draw a penis on their face." Deep voice guy sighed, sounding like your brother whenever you prank Lord Dream (as if you don't do it everytime he visits).

"Aww man."

You blink, murky colours still flooding your visions but focusing more with every blink. You're leaning against a tall blond in a red and white shirt, his bony shoulder digging into your cheek as you lean against him. "What's going on?"

Your attempt at comprehensible words was mediocre at best, but you'll suppose it's good enough. Looking at the hybrid who teleported you there, a second wave of nausea comes tumbling out of your mouth.

As everyone scurries back, your yanked by the avian hybrid who had yet to let you go. Bringing your hand upon to wipe at spit and your half-digested lunch, you finally feel normal again. Pulling away from the avian, who happily let's you with a grumbled "Ew," at your throw up trail, you stand up tall and try to regain any respect your sickness had thrown away. "Well that was kind of rude."

You cringe, the voice of your brother reprimanding you in spirit. But the avian and ram start giggling to each other, making deep mocking voices of your words at the enderman hybrid. "C'mon guys, I already said it wasn't my fault!"

When he turns to you, he bows his head low, "I'm so sorry for teleporting you. Tubbo's told me it really sucks when you're not an enderman. I'm really sorry!"

"It's... fine," You shrug, grimacing at the taste of your own stomach fluids coating your teeth. "I mean, it wasn't intentional so no harm, no foul."

"See, Boo, you're fine!" The ram pats their shoulder with a bit of difficulty—you think their name is Tubbo so the other would be Ranboo— and dusting off their pants as they stand up. "I'm Tubbo!"

"I'm Y/N," You take the offered hand, trying to replicate your brother's strong handshake. Tubbo giggles despite the effort, his grip turning into Iron as well. It's almost a contest between you two. Who has the stronger hand grip?

Sadly, you've come to a loss and Tubbo whoops with victory. Turning to the avian, you stick your hand out. "Nice to meet you, chicken boy. I'm Y/N."

"I am not a fucking chicken! I don't even look like a chicken!" If he was an actual animal, you'd imagine it'd look like he had rabies. Foaming at the mouth with anger, chittering aggressively and non-stop. "Fuck you man! I'm not a chicken."

"Alright, alright, my bad." You backtrack quickly, hands raised in a placating motion. "I would like to know your name though chi–regular boy."

The avian gave you the stink eye, "The name's Tommy Innes! And don't call me that either." They set their hands on their hips in a close imitation of Niki. "You're a right prick."

"I prefer the words 'difficult to handle', it's a lot easier to read on your report card, ya know?" Suddenly you cringe again, the reminder of your brother's face when you did read it to him coming back to haunt you. Fixing your posture, you stick your hand out again after putting it down. "Nice to meet you."

Tommy takes your hand, his hands surprisingly calloused. "Your introduction was shit."

{《☆》}

You don't exactly remember why you followed them or why they let you follow them, all you remember is the exciting feeling of truly enjoying yourself, feeling light with every step, your face aching from smiling so hard and your stomach twisted with laughter. It was nice, so incredibly nice.

All good things must come to an end eventually though and the sound of trumpets sounding in the streets scare the shit out of you.

"Fuck," You curse through a handful of marshmallow Tommy had given you. "Fuck, shit, fuck, fuck, fuuuuuck."

"What's wrong?" Tubbo asks, strangely concerned. "Are you okay?"

"The King is on his way," You say as you try chewing quicker. The taste of too many marshmallows stick to your tongue, the taste stuck between your teeth and caught in your throat. It tastes like air now. "He's probably already here."

"What's wrong with that?" Tommy asks, face serious and lips drawn to an aggressive sneer. "Is he bothering you? I swear if he's messing with you—"

"No, Prime no," You say, louder than planned. "He's not, it's just, I can't be found by him."

"Are you sure—?" Ranboo starts, cut off by the noise of clattering metal and horse steps. Whirling around quickly, you're already done for. Too many soldiers to evade surround you, practically boxing you into the bench you're sitting at.

"Your majesty, we've found him," A soldier calls out, one hand resting on their holster as they watch you all. "Three unidentified subjects around him, all equipped."

You whirl back to look at them and wow is it a sight. Your new buddies, the practically harmless friends you've made—Tubbo cried when he killed a bee— are all wearing full netherite armour, sharp blades than you've ever wielded in their hands. "Guys...?"

"Y/N, get behind us," Tubbo says, eyes hidden by the helmets shadow. Something about his voice frightens you, but yet still being near him isn't scary. You aren't scared of him hurting you. For some reason you trust them all not to. But still...

Your brother steps up and you sink a bit, following Tubbos directions and hiding in hopes he somehow magically forgets about you in the next three seconds.

"Y/N, you said you'd be in your room." Eret says with an infuriatingly level voice. It is like the moon is dipping the sunset, cusping their back just enough for the light to shine down and flare around your brother, truly a king fit to rule the world. "Honestly I don't know what I expected from you."

You feel embarrassment claw at your throat, fighting with the rage in your stomach and suddenly you feel the urge to hurl. Tommy is at your side, one hand holding their sword up and the other offering a sort of protection for you. The consequence though, that is what paralyzes you.

"Your royal highness, please end this foolishness. We do not wish to harm your friends." A soldier calls, a beckoning hand outstretched as if you're a frightened animal awaiting rescuing.

Another wave of anger bubbles over you, pushing your embarrassment to your heels to be dragged with. "You dare threaten my friends. They have done anything you didn't force them to."

"Those are Mud Trackers**," Eret spits out, though the words don't surprise you. "Tommy Innit, Tubbo Underscore, Ranboo Beloved, all of them fought against us."

"You were one of them once too," You yell back but still there is a disconnect when Tommy flinches next to you. The truth is out. You are royalty and they are the tentatively neutral country, enemies forged through blood. They could have killed your brother and your brother could have killed them. You don't know whatever history that is hiding in Eret's anger but neither side are taking it well. "Stop taking your anger at me on them! If you're gonna fight anyone, fight me!"

The thought makes your brother step back, face falling into the first emotion you've seen on his face. Guilt. "I'm not going to fight you, and if you return I'm not going to fight them either."

"What if I dont," You say and there is a clenched hurt that comes with those words. "Will you kill them?"

"No, you know I wouldn't Y/N," Your brother says and it is softer, quieter. Eret sighs, crown tipped and without the sunlight he is just as inhuman as you, pain written into the curve of his frown. "Please just come home."

Tommy looks over at you and they are still angry even as they put their sword away. "Go fix this. If you need us, you know how to find us."

Not-quite-relief washes down your throat at Tommy's words. Ranboo and Tubbo keep their weapons but they too step back. Looking over at your brother, you walk with all the grace embued in your lineage, chin held high. As you greet Eret, he pulls you into a hug.

"I was so worried, Y/N," he mutters, arms wrapped around your shoulders as you burrow into his chest. "I'm sorry for being a dick. Please never do that again,"

"Okay," You manage to say, muffled in your brother's shirt. "But you are still kinda being a dick."

"Okay, I'll do better," He says, quiet and true. "Let's go home."

Before he can stop you, you pull away. Turning back to your friends, you wave, "I'll see you again soon, bye."

Ranboo waves back but Tommy and Tubbo look at each other and just nod. "Bye."

Eret doesn't say anything to your friends but there is something horribly sad in their smile. Maybe they had more history than just fighting, who knows. He turns to you, outstretched hand waiting for you. You take it easier than before. It isn't great, but it's something.

{《☆》}

*red-tie is a neutral term referring to L'Manburg citizens

**mud trackers is an insult to L'Manburg citizens based on their usually dirty appearances and lack of advanced equipment early in the war.

[YOOOOOOO I FINALLY FINISHED THIS HOLY COW! This took way longer to do my horrible procrastination finally stopped today (ngl I wrote like 1k words in a panic today) I'm so sorry this took forever but in my defence... yup]

[ANYWAY TO CELEBRATE HALLOWEEN IM GONNA DO A BIT OF A MONSTERDATERS EVENT WHERE ITS ONLY EVER MONSTER AND DEMONS AND SHIT NO KISS KISS FOR HUMANS]

[I do have a date for Distance btw, Nov 13 is when the first chapter shall come out. Go self-care drink water eat food and sleep if it's later than 11pm byeee]

[L0v3, k1ng]

Masterlist

603 notes · View notes

softxsuki · 3 years

Note

urgent request!! hi i hope this is ok for me to request but i feel like self harming and im in a very bad state rn so could you write platonic dabi or shigaraki comforting a teen fem reader when she comes up to them and says she feels like self harming? thanks!

Dabi Comforting Reader Who Feels Like Self-Harming

Pairing: Dabi x Fem!Reader (platonic)

Warnings: TW--Mentioning of self harm, reader expressing her want to harm herself, some depressing talk, mild language (like twice)

Genre: Comfort

Post-Type: Oneshot

Word Count: 1.2k

Summary: In which you show up at Dabi's apartment and confess that you want to hurt yourself. You ask him to help you and he tries his best to comfort you in your time of need.

[A/N: Hello anon. I hope I was quick enough in writing this for you! It was hard getting away from my chores .-. Hopefully this is able to help bring you any form of comfort. I don't write for Dabi, so apologies if I portray him weirdly. I enjoyed writing for him though, so I might add him to my list of characters that I write for, hmm. Anyway, my dm's are open if you need anything or need someone to listen. It's tough, trust me I was there in high school going through the same urges. Thankfully, many years later I'm no longer in that mindset, so you can definitely get through this. Don't be so hard on yourself though, heal at your own pace and one day you'll find yourself in a different mindset. Enjoy <3]

Shaky hands lift to the door, knocking desperately on the chipped painted wood repeatedly until you hear heavy footsteps approach from the other side.

The door rushes open as Dabi appears before you with a scowl on his face, ready to yell at whoever was behind the insistent knocking. Seeing you in front of him though, his resolve crumbles and his expression returns to normal.

“What do you want, brat?” he sighs rolling his eyes, then looks you over, noticing the school bag hanging over your shoulder, “Shouldn’t you be in school?”

You ignore his questions and scoot past him, into his apartment, throwing your bag onto his couch as you plop down right next to it.

“Wow, yes hello, nice to see you too Y/N. Are you gonna-” he starts, but stops as soon as he sees your panicked expression and he’s immediately in big brother mode as he closes the door and makes his way to stand in front of you, “What happened?”

“Please stop me Toya, I don’t want to hurt myself,” you finally confess, tears threatening to spill from your wavering eyes.

He forces his tongue back at the use of his real name, much preferring when you called him Dabi, but your words shock him enough to ignore it.

“Hurt yourself? Y/N what’s going on?”

“I don’t know how else to deal with my emotions other than taking it out on myself, but I really don’t want to because I know I’ll regret it once I’m done, so please stop me! Distract me! Something! Anything!” you scream out at him, desperate to not feel so helpless and horrible inside.

His eyes widen and his mouth falls slightly agape, but he quickly collects himself and takes a seat beside you on the couch.

“Oi, look at me,” he finally says after a few moments of silence as you fidget with your hands in your lap.

You refuse to look up at him, hating the way that you felt like you had to rely on your friend in a moment like this when you so desperately wished you could help yourself.

He sighs but continues to speak anyway, “Look, I’m not the greatest at this kinda...stuff. Y’know, comforting people or whatever, but you’re not people, you’re like my little sister, my friend or whatever, so I’ll try my best,” he pauses and sighs while rubbing his face. “I don’t know what it is that you’re going through, and you don’t have to tell me, but this ain’t the way to deal with your emotions.”

“Easier said than done. My whole body is screaming at me to hurt myself. So I can feel something, punish myself, or just get these negative emotions out from inside me, I don’t really know,” you try to explain, still fighting the nagging voice in your head that was telling you to do these horrible things.

“You’re killing me here,” he mumbles, trying to rack his brain for words that would hopefully bring you some sort of comfort.

He wasn’t used to being positive and up-lifting. Your friendship consisted of bickering, but at the end of the day, he was there for you just like you were there for him, so he needed to do something for you now when you needed him the most.

You patiently sit beside him, waiting for him to speak again, though now that you were in his presence, the urge to harm yourself was slowly dissipating.

“All right,” he turns to you, making direct eye contact with you as you were already looking at him, “I know things are rough and you’re feeling shitty. Again, I don’t know your entire situation, but I’ll be ready to listen whenever you’re comfortable enough to share.”

He clears his throat, wanting to look away, but feeling like it might be better to maintain eye contact so you know that he cares.

“Just please know that I’m here for you, all right? I’ll be damned if you think I’ll let you lay a hand on yourself while you’re here, so get comfy. You’re not leaving until I’m sure you’re feeling better,” he awkwardly looks away from you, shuffling uncomfortably on the couch.

You give him a small smile, knowing that this was hard for him, but grateful that you had a friend like him who genuinely cared for you. Though the urge to harm yourself was slowly being forgotten for the moment, the negative feelings from the day still lingered, but you knew it would be okay as long as you remained by his side.

“I have left over pizza in the fridge, want some?” He asks you, trying to ease the tension in the room and act like things were still normal; the last thing he wanted was to treat you like a psych ward patient or like you were about to crumble in his hands.

“Mm, yeah. Sounds good, thanks Toya,” you hum, thanking him not only for the pizza, but secretly for his kind words that you honestly didn’t expect from him; You merely expected him to yell at you or criticize you for threatening to harm yourself, so it was a nice surprise.

“Yeah, whatever,” he gets up to head towards his small kitchen so he can heat up the pizza for you, but stops after taking a few steps and turns around to you again. “This conversation isn’t over though. Once you’re feeling better we really need to talk about this so I know how to help you, moving forward. And maybe talk about what YOU’D like to do to help yourself too... if that’s okay.”

You sigh, knowing that you’d have to talk about it eventually, but you smile slightly as he eased back a little at the end of his statement, giving you more freedom to choose to help yourself rather than forcibly receive it.

“I know,” you sigh, nervous at the thought of having to speak about things that were on your mind or going on in your life.

He notices your blank, far-off stare and walks back over to you, ruffling your hair a bit as his hand sits at the crown of your head.

“You’re gonna be alright. Don’t overthink it,” he reassures you, and with one last ruffle to your hair, he disappears into the kitchen.

It was reassuring knowing that Dabi was watching out for you in a way that you knew your other friends couldn’t.

Dabi was cold, and refused to show care for the people in his life most of the time, but in the rare case when he did show his caring side, you knew it was genuine. For once, you looked forward to a day when you wouldn’t be trapped in your negative thoughts with no way out aside from harming yourself. One day you’d be able to cope with your feelings in a more productive way, you were sure of it. But you knew it wouldn’t happen over-night. Many difficult days lie ahead, but you knew you’d have to face them, and now that Dabi knew that was going on in your head, maybe it would make things a little easier.

REQUESTS ARE OPEN :D

Posted: 11/21/2021

156 notes · View notes

hajimine · 3 years

Text

perennial destiny — fushiguro megumi x gn!reader

synopsis: megumi does not like the concept of soulmates. he wants to be able to choose who he loves—and he chooses you.

word count: 1.2k

genre: fluff, soulmate!au but not really, established relationship, soft!megumi (this is so cheesy fr)

soundtrack: on a clear day by joe hisaishi

a/n: i’m ngl i actually like this lol so i hope you guys do too! tysm @rintaroll for being my beta and for the song rec mwah ily (ew) <3

A light smattering of clouds paint the blue sky in splashes of white, providing you with a little bit of shade from the otherwise bright afternoon sun.

You gaze at the little ducks waddling around on the pond, following their mother’s path. Unconsciously, you feel your lips curl up into a smile.

“What are you looking at?” Megumi murmurs, face turned towards you as he uses his hand to block out the sun from his eyes.

Humming, you give him a cheeky smile. “Nothing.”

He scrunches his face slightly, biting back a smile. He's used to your antics at this point.

Using his forearm to cover his eyes, Megumi sighs contently, shifting the position of his head on your lap to make himself more comfortable. The added weight on your thighs feel comforting, almost. Like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

The two of you stay in silence for a while as you bask in each other’s presence, enjoying the moment. The dark-haired boy plucks a stray dandelion beside him, inspecting it closely.

“Do you,” he starts, hesitating. You hum, urging him to continue. “Do you believe in soulmates?”

You stay quiet for a while, pondering his question. “I think I do, actually,” you admit. “It’s kinda sweet—the idea of it all. I’d like to think that there’s someone out there who’s meant for me, y’know?”

Megumi closes his eyes, his eyelashes fluttering as he considers your answer. He's really pretty, you think to yourself.

“Don’t you think it’s a little bit dumb?” He asks finally.

The bluntness of his words takes you by surprise. You laugh, gazing down at him with a fond look in your eyes. There’s a small frown on his lips; the crease between his brows a little more pronounced than usual.

Carding your fingers through his hair, you watch as he relaxes under your touch, the tension leaving his shoulders bit by bit.

You settle on a simple question. “What makes you say that?”

Megumi sighs, “The whole ‘fate and destiny’ thing. I think not being able to live your life the way you want to is a little depressing.” He purses his lips. “What if you don’t like your soulmate?”

You turn to look at the ducks again, but they were nowhere to be found. Now, the pond was silent, and there were no ripples in sight.

The pleasant smell of earth seeps into your lungs as you breathe in. Never in a million years would you have expected to have this kind of conversation with him.

You didn’t exactly peg him as someone who would be interested in the concept of soulmates at all. A soft smile graces your lips.

“Well, I suppose there should be a system to prevent that,” you squint, “maybe they would make it so that it’s impossible for you to hate your soulmate.”

Megumi clicks his tongue. “That just makes us robots then.”

This makes you grin. “Robots?”

“Yeah,” he mumbles, now shy. “If that's the case, you really have no choice in your thoughts and feelings, it simply strips your humanity away from you.”

You stop running your fingers through his hair for a moment and Megumi shifts, nudging your hand with his head to get you to continue. Cute.

Amused, you ask him, “Well, what if soulmates are real, and I’m not your soulmate, what would you do?”

He plucks another dandelion from the ground and inspects it before holding it close to his chest.

“It won’t change anything.” He says, not an ounce of hesitation in his words.

“Wouldn’t you wanna find your real soulmate?” You inquire, the flames of curiosity dancing in your eyes.

Without wasting a second, he sits up, turning around to face you. He studies your face for a second, eyes traveling down the curve of your nose and down to the slight upturn of your lips before returning to hold your gaze.

Megumi speaks, eyebrows furrowed. “No. the fates or the heavens or whatever the hell is controlling our destiny won’t have any effects on my choices. I’m not about to be another pawn in the gods’ game of love. It’s the least I can do.”

And you laugh, light and bubbly; ignoring the fact that your chest feels abundantly lighter after his statement.

“You’re really serious about this, huh?”

His cheeks flare up, the headstrong confidence from a minute ago now gone, replaced by the charming bashfulness only a few have had the privilege to see.

“Well,” he mumbles, “I’m not gonna leave you just ‘cause some prophecy tells me to. I like you. A lot.” Maybe a little too much, but he doesn’t tell you this.

The breeze tickles your face. “Yeah?”

Megumi refuses to meet your eyes, but he continues. “I want to spend the rest of my life with someone I chose myself. Soulmate or not.”

It is not his words that make your heart flutter—it’s the quiet blossoms in his cheeks, the sureness in his voice. If fate was a human, you’re sure that he’d fight her with no hesitation. Heck, even if she was a god, knowing Megumi, he would fight her too, even if it’ll cost him his life.

You watch him twirl the stem of dandelion between his fingertips. He doesn’t blow on it, nor does he make a wish like anyone else would in the presence of the perennial, he simply observes the flutters of white falling from its head.

“So you would defy destiny if you had to?” You ask, knowing exactly what his answer would be even before he utters another word.

“Yes.” his dark eyes are steady, not a drop of uncertainty swimming in its depths.

The soft breeze suddenly feels a little too warm for comfort. “That’s awfully romantic, don’t you think?”

And he blinks at you, but he does not yield. “Well, I just think soulmates are awfully unromantic.” He says, the corner of his lips twitching slightly.

A genuine laugh bubbles out from your chest. “You’re a curious one, Fushiguro Megumi.”

The smile on his lips is a fond one. “What about you?” He props his chin on the palm of his hand. “What would you do if soulmates are real?”

“Ah,” you pretend to think, “you’d be my soulmate then.”

He rolls his eyes at you, but the tips of his ears are dipped in vermillion. “But what if I’m not your soulmate?”

You spare him nothing but a glance, rising to your feet before brushing the dirt off your pants. As you squint at the setting sun, a contented sigh escapes your lips. On days like these, you could fully take in the beauty of the afternoon sky as you observe the shades of reds and golds dancing in the heavens.

“Then I’m afraid I’ll have to leave you to find my one true love.” You hum, biting back a laugh.

The dark-haired boy scoffs and stands up, walking towards you with his hands in his pockets. Half a smile graces his lips as he reaches for your waist, pulling you close. With the sort of tenderness he reserves just for you, Megumi rests his forehead against yours. He feels warm.

Megumi smells faintly of the earth—a product of the hours he spent sitting under the sun with you—along with a hint of the cool menthol shampoo he uses to wash his hair. And together, they create a blanket of comfort and familiarity, one that you’ve grown to call home. You breathe in.

“I won’t let you leave.” He mumbles, eyes fluttering shut. His palms feel comfortably warm on your waist; gentle and light, yet sure and heavy at the same time.

There’s a playful sparkle in your eyes as your lips curl up into a smile. “I know you won’t.”

per·en·ni·al /pəˈrenēəl/

(n.) a perennial plant

(adj.) lasting or existing for a long or apparently infinite time; enduring or continually recurring.

a/n: as always, reblogs are highly appreciated! please let me know what you think of this fic, i always love hearing from you all! also: yes, there’s another flower symbolism in this piece lol <3

-> writing masterlist | taglist is in the comments

#jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #megumi x reader #fushiguro megumi x reader #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jujutsu kaisen imagines #megumi x you #fushiguro megumi #jjk imagines #❀ —𝐁𝐘 𝐇𝐀𝐉𝐈𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐄

887 notes · View notes