#kiss my neck and kall me baby

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CARO DIARIO

oggi dopo mesi sono di nuovo qui, ho dato l’esame dj maturità, con grinta, tenacia, sono uscita più coraggiosa di quanto io potessi immaginare, non ho guardato in faccia a nessuno ed ho dato il meglio di me, ho dimostrato a me stessa che potevo fare ciò che io mi ero prefissata, senza ma e senza se. Ho trovato la mia strada, il mio futuro, con grande fatica e paura ho fatto ciò che pensavo potesse piacermi. Ad oggi studio, e sono ancora una piccola tirocinante in infermieristica. La mia vita è cambiata talmente tanto che non saprei nemmeno spiegare cosa è successo, ma una cosa posso dirla, non ho mai voluto così tanto qualcosa da buttarmici a capofitto e sentirla tanto dentro di me…. Oggi non mi pongo domande ma solo obbiettivi da raggiungere per ciò che io realmente voglio diventare ed essere un giorno. Vedi ho sempre avuto insicurezze e paure su me stessa, ma pra la prima volta la sento diversa, la mia paura è solo quella di entrare in reparto e non fare abbastanza e la mia insicurezza è quella di deludermi nel momento in cui dovevo fare di più. Non so spiegare a parole ció che si prova nel voler realizzare un sogno a tutti i costi, più di ogni altra cosa. A distanza di mesi ad oggi sono qui, sto dicendo che ho trovato la mia strada, quella che più di ogni altra cosa voglio, quella che più di ogni altra cosa sento dentro di me. Vedete, realizzare e vivere un sogno è sentirlo dentro, con tutte le difficoltà che possano esserci, ma io lo sento e ci riusciró.

[kalle-and-lita]

Aiko was beside herself. She sat on his sofa with tears on her face and her head thrown back in a wail. Kalle grit his teeth and pinched the bridge of his nose, the noise a high pitched ring in his ear. Cato, who hovered just next to her, playfully poked her with a small stuffed bear.

"Come dearest," he coaxed, "Take the stuffy, you'll feel better after you hug it."

Unamused, Aiko pushed it away and screamed louder.

"Cato, please," Kalle begged, "That's only going to upset her more."

"I am willing to take ideas then," he snapped back through a pained smile, "But you will have to forgive me if I don't listen to a man who keeps secrets from me!."

Oh if looks could kill Kalle would be a dead man on the floor. The old Night Lord closed his eyes and sighed through his nose. The intensity behind Cato's glare sent a shiver down his spine, but he hid it behind his usual irritated facade.

"I keep my secrets for good reason," Kalle replied stalking to the vault door to close it. He had kept it open in his haste to contact help. He shook his head as everything snapped back into place, "But this is neither the place nor time for this arguement."

"Fine," Cato stood and set the bear on the coffee table. He pointed a finger threateningly at him, "But we are going to discuss this, mark my words. And stars preserve me if you try and get out of this."

With a final glare Cato returned his attention to Aiko. Her screams had died to a pitiful sniffle, large eyes flickering between the two of them. There was confusion on her tear stained face, her cheeks and nose puffy and red. Kalle exchanged a glance with Cato and ever so carefully approached the couch. He bent to his knees, stuck between the sofa and the coffee table, and reached out to thumb away the stray tears on Aiko's cheek. She looked at him, so small and precious, and he couldn't help but to smile.

"I'll make a trip to the requisition office," Cato sighed, "Aiko is going to need new clothes until we figure out how to cure her. And Toys, lots and lots of toys. What say you, dearest?"

Cato approached the couch and held out his arms for Aiko. She looked up at him with those big, half pitched eyes of hers before reaching back out to him. She dug her face into his chest once she was safely secured, her tiny hands clenching the fabric of his tunic.

"I'll inform Guilliman of the situation and begin work on a way to reverse Aiko's condition."

Cato just shot him a look before sweeping out of the room. Kalle watched, nervously rubbing the back of his neck at the cold departure. Yet, he pushed his partner's obvious displeasure from his mind. There were far more important things to do.

Swift strides carried him through the halls and to the Primarch's office. He found Guilliman surrounded by a mountain of paperwork, and he looked none too pleased at the interruption.

"You've finished with your experiments on the artifact?"

"Not exactly," He felt Roboute's gaze narrow down on him, "There's been an... incident."

"What kind?"

"As I was performing my experiments on the artifact I made the crucial mistake of believing I was alone in my stateroom. During the procedure Aiko snuck into my vault behind me and was hit with a stray temporal arc."

The Primarch's desk was knocked over, the tablets and papers scattering. Under normal circumstances the situation would frighten him; the anger and ire of a Primarch was no small matter after all. Yet, Kalle was far too old and far too tired to be intimidated.

Roboute rounded the desk and stood toe to toe with him. Though the Primarch was much taller than him he was still regarded coolly by the smaller Night Lord.

'"She lives. I can only theorize how, but my best guess is that her precognition allowed her to narrowly avoid the full arc of the artifact. At this time, Aiko is no older than a toddler."

Roboute didn't look pleased, "Is there any way to reverse the effects."

"Not right now."

The scowl he received was withering. The large Primarch turned to the mess and tegarded it with clear disdain, "We agreed that the vault was a necessary secret to keep the occupants of this fortress safe, as well as the rest of the galaxy. It does not please me to learn your defenses are so easily circumvented."

Kalle wisely bit his tongue. His carelessness had caused this. Only a hypocrite would argue against it. So instead he watched Guilliman.

"A battleship is hardly a place for a child..."

"I can transfer the vault door to a new space, somewhere quiet. It would be safer for Aiko and still allow me time to deduce a way to reverse the aging effects."

Guilliman nodded, "Very well. I'll start the transfer process. An Agri-world will suit your needs well enough?"

Kalle nodded, "I will pack and begin set up of the new housing. I thank you for the time."

"In the meantime, I think it best we review the necessity of this vault of yours, and if need be more secure measures to keep out unwanted visitors."

Kalle once again wisely kept his mouth shut, dipped his head and left without another word. The halls were quiet but his thoughts were a loud chorus. Plans and theories, experiments to be done. The artifact was the answer but the equation eluded him.

"Kalle!"

He snapped back to reality to find Cato staring up at him in concern. Aiko rested comfortably on his hip, her two middle fingers in her mouth. She blinked at him slowly, all dressed up in a comfortable tunic. In Cato's other hand was a large bag.

"You gave the Primarch your report?"

Kalle nodded and unlocked the door. Cato swept through the threshold, discarded the bag by the door so he could swing Aiko from his hip. She looked so ridiculously small in his arms, though her expression was that of a grumpy little girl.

"I think someone had a big day!" Cato pulled her close and peppered her cheek with kisses. Aiko grumbled but didn't fight back, "We got toys, stuffys, clothes. I tried to find her some pretty dresses but my baby didn't seem to like that idea very much."

Aiko wiggled in an attempt to escape the onslaught of affection. Cato put her down with a laugh and watched her scamper to the couch. Their couch was made for the likes of Astartes, so watching a toddler her size struggle to climb it was amusing.

Kalle approached while Cato dug through the bag. He caught her attention with a playful tug to her hair.

"Da!" She snapped, clearly unhappy. She shot him a glare as she clung to the cushions, her small leg halfway up and over.

"Are you stuck?" He teased. She made a face as she tried to pull herself up. "Do you want help?"

A furious flush crept into her cheeks, "No! I do!"

Kalle hid his smile behind his hand, shoulders shuddering as he tried not to laugh at her. He watched her struggled a moment or two longer before he subtly bid the shadows at her feet to lift her up. She clambered up with a grunt and a very satisfied look on her face, reaching out to a large stuffed grynx Cato offered to her. Her small arms wrapped around it as she slid down on the couch.

"So?" They watched as Aiko, two fingers back in her mouth, drifted off to sleep. Kalle cast a sideways glance to partner, whose eyes never left their daughter. Unsure of what to say, the old Night Lord turned to the kitchen.

"Speak your mind." He offered, digging around for cookware and food to make. Cato huffed loudly,

"The Primarch's consensus on this matter?"

He could feel Cato's stare drilling a hole in the back of his neck, "Aiko and I will be moved to a quiet Agri-world so I can work on reversing her age. It will keep her out of danger, and give me the space required to work."

From his peripheral he watched Cato enter the kitchen and fill the sink with water. An awkward silence fell over the pair as they worked; Kalle prepared a simmering stew as Cato cleaned after him. They moved around each other with nary a word or a glance, a stark contrast to the flirting the duo was prone to.

"I'm going with you."

Kalle shook his head, gaze stubbornly locked onto the pot of food he slowly stirred, "As Captain of the Victrix guard you are needed here. I cannot ask you to step away from your duties."

"You are not asking, I am volunteering."

"My statement still stands, you are too important to leave and I am more than capable of handling this on my own."

"Are you?!" Cato turned on him in a flash, the drying rag was thrown to the counter. Kalle felt his heart rate spike in an instant. "Aiko was an adult and you couldn't be bothered to lock a door behind you; and now I'm supposed to trust you with a toddler?! No, absolutely not, out of the question."

"Cato-"

"No!" Cato's tone turned icy, hard and inflexible like steel. "This is not up for debate, Kalle. I trusted you, and I assumed after all this time you felt the same. Only today do I find that you're keeping dangerous artifacts in our flat!"

Cato snarled and turned back to the sink. He drained the water and dried his hands, breathing heavily through his nose.

"We live here, Kalle, and you couldn't tell me?"

"It was meant to protect the both of you, Cato!" Anger raced through his veins like a fire. "There are things in this galaxy that are too dangerous to destroy! It is far better to keep them locked away and where I am the only one with access to the door!"

"And you did such a wonderful job protecting Aiko!" Cato snapped, his tone dripping in sarcasm. Kalle's thin veneer of patience finally snapped with an audible crack. The light in the kitchen shattered, the glass tinkled as the shards hit the floor. Shadows writhed around him as the anger burned. Despite that, Cato did not seem afraid.

"Partners do not keep secrets from each other. I do not trust you, therefore I am going. That is final." He turned and walked away. He was a solitary figure in the dim light of the living room. Wordlessly, he cradled Aiko's small sleeping form in his arms and swept out of the flat.

Kalle screamed when the door finally hissed shut.

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Quanta paura hai di iniziare questo quinto anno e vederlo volare, diplomarti e poi guardarti attorno e avere l’impressione che nulla faccia per te, che nulla sia come credevi, anche quelle che pensavi certezze e sogni sembrando diventare incertezze. Sento la testa andare a fuoco, le paure, le ansie, chi ti da contro perchè quello che ti piace non puó darti un futuro lavorativo certo, cos’è peggio?

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Io ti guarderò negli occhi senza fingere

Guardami negli occhi senza piangere

Scusa ma ho la lingua in panne

Scusa ma le scuse io non riesco a farle

Dormiamo insieme in uno sciame di farfalle

Nello stesso letto, però dandoci le spalle

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Non volevo più fidarmi, non volevo più credere alla gente, volevo pensare solo a me stessa, solo a quello che volevo io. Volevo fidarmi solo di me, fino a quando.... Lui é entrato nella mia vita, é stato come un tornado, mi ha travolta e portata con sé, nel suo mondo e nella sua diversità. Lui mi ha capita, mi ha guardata dentro, ha studiato ogni piccolo dettaglio di me ed é svanito tutto in quel momento; rabbia, tristezza, rancore. Ma se c'é una cosa che é rimasta e mi ha agitata é stata la paura, la paura di fallire di nuovo, di non sentirmi ancora una volta adatta, sbagliata, fuori luogo, di non meritare chi mi sarebbe stato accanto. Ho imparato a fidarmi di lui, con molto tempo, con molta calma, ma ho imparato e l'ho accolto in pieno nella mia vita nei miei progetti futuri.

Con lui immagino davvero una vita, una vita vera. Dei figli, un matrimonio, una casa tutta nostra.

Voglio continuare a condividere ogni singola cosa che ho con lui, ogni singolo tratto del mio corpo, ogni singolo dettaglio, ogni singolo sogno che portò dentro di me.

Con lui non ho mai paura, con lui sono sempre al sicuro sia dentro che fuori, so sempre di essere nel posto giusto. Ho imparato tanto dalla persona che é, mi ha fatta amare cose che prima non sapevo di poter amare...

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Non sono facile:

posso spaventare

con le mie insicurezze,

i momenti in cui mi spengo,

le volte in cui sembra

ch’io voglia stare sola

ed invece vorrei solo

essere abbracciata.

Ma tu non ti spaventare

ché, credimi,

male non ne so fare.

Ed anche ne fossi in grado,

piuttosto che ferirti,

ferirei me stessa.

Perché,

anche se ammaccato,

il cuore lo metto sempre davanti.

Tu non scappare

che se resti

io non me ne so andare

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Ed é strano, adesso siamo due sconosciuti che si conoscono meglio di chiunque altro.

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“Sei come quella foto mossa, bella senza farlo apposta!”

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I libri e i film ci fanno credere che l'amore vero é fatto di rose e fiori, ma sono solo un mucchio di stronzate pre confezionate. La verità é che per ogni rosa ci sono molte più spine

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Come si fa a lasciarsi tutto indietro? Ad andare avanti e non pensare più a nulla?...

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Quante cose vorrei riaggiustare, non ricordare, quanti dejavu ancora mi tormentano, immagini, pensieri e giorni che vorrei eliminare. Vedo le cose andare sempre più a fondo, vedo lei stare male, bere e deprimermi su un divano, ma non la vedo più piangere. Vorrei aiutarla con tutta mestessa. A volte vorrei entrare nel suo cuore e riaggiustare ciò che si é rotto o entrare nella sua testa e capire, capire cos'é che la tormenta ad oggi. Basta poco per cadere e tanto di più per rialzarsi. Lei é parte di me, é la mia vita, sangue del mio sangue. Crescendo ho capito che non era una persona al mio fianco che poteva colmare i miei dolori e i miei vuoti, guarirà tutto nell'esatto momento in cui guarirà lei, nell'esatto momento in cui la vedrò davvero felice. "ora basta ti prego con le lacrime" ci sono cose che ti segnano, che non portai mai cancellare. Sono cresciuta molto in fretta per varie occasioni, e non parlo di ragazzi di dubbi e paura di essere lasciata, si tratta del timore di vedere stare male lei ancora una volta, ancora una volta vederla atterra senza la forza di rialzarsi, la paura che possa andare peggio, la paura di non riuscire mai a vederla felice... Vorrei colmare tutto il dolore che ha dentro per vederla stare bene e pur di far stare bene lei guarire le sue cicatrici, i suoi dolori, lasciando i miei così, intatti, non mi importerebbe. Ti amo mamma.

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“ Sei di particolare e straordinaria importanza ”

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a ogni parola ho dato un peso che non riesco più a sostenere

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Sei arte, sei arte immensa, quella che ti insegna, quella che ti fa scoprire, quella che quando la guardi hai il cuore a mille, lo stomaco in subuglio e gli occhi che parlano da se.

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