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aria-chicken-flugget · 2 years

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Dinner with the Birches

Judd x Fem!Reader

Rated Mature for strong sexual language and content MINORS* Please do not read/interact

Fic length: 3.8k words

Warnings: Mentions Knife Play, Pet Play and Choking (Those cheeky Hormone Monsters eh ;) eyebrows eyebrows~)

Summary: You're invited to dinner with the Birches, a very loving, kind and sex positive household. How will you fare as an easily embarrassed teen who just so happens to be crushing on their eldest son...

A/N: This is my first piece for Big Mouth! Cross posted from my ao3 account under the same title. Fic under the cut, enjoy :3

“Di-Dinner? I mean, are you… are you sure that that’s cool?”

You chuckled nervously, absently circling the hem of your new, hot pink shirt between your thumb and forefinger. Leah threw her head back with a laugh before checking her nails,

“Oh my God, (y/n), you forget how my parents let just about anything come for dinner.”

A horrifying flashback of Jay Bilzerian giving them post-its for dinner came to mind, with a quick roll of her eyes at the memory and a smile towards you, “You are of course more than fine, they love you.”

You took a breath and offered another soft laugh, shaking your head,

“You’re totally right, they’re… they’re really sweet. I guess I just feel bad, it’ll be my third time in a row.”

Smiling softly to yourself at the thought. You checked yourself out in your floor length mirror, smile growing as you twisted your hips to check each angle of yourself,

“I really like the shape that this shirt gives me.”

“Omg! You look amazing, it really accentuates your waist and curves.”

She gave a wink and you both laughed,

“Thanks Leah!”

Connie chimed in from atop of your bed with crossed ankles,

“I just love women building up women! You two are as good as your big, beautiful boobahs in that shirt, baby~”

You flushed with a whine,

“Connie!”

Rolling your eyes some, unable to deny it and allowing a small smirk. She had a point, your boobs did look pretty good in your new shirt. Connie’s brows wiggled comically with a low and velvet tone,

“I bet Judd’s gonna love the shirt ~”

Lilting his name in emphasis. Your cheeks begun heating up, your wide eyes flit to Leah, as if afraid you were about to be caught out. Fortunately, she couldn’t hear Connie and was distracted by her phone. You waved your hands dismissively at Connie with a low hiss,

“Connie please, the guy’s a total psycho-“

Sounding unconvincing even in your own ears. Realistically on a personal level, you only knew what you had heard of him from Leah. You knew in yourself that you were rationalizing with an excuse and worst of all, so did Connie. Connie kept gushing,

“He’s gonna love it so much that he’ll wanna tear it right off of ya, and then tie you up to the bedposts with the pretty pink shreds, OOH Baby!~”

Raising a hand to her forehead in a dramatic sweep and squirming with a laugh to herself. Your cheeks were bright red as you whined,

“Connie! Would you quit it?”

Folding your arms across your chest as you tried desperately not to imagine being tied up by Judd…

“I hardly know him, Con. Besides he’s Leah’s brother, it’d be totally weird to think of him in that way.”

Emphasizing with a nervous chuckle, but it seemed your randy hormone monstress was keen on ignoring you,

“Ooh ooh what if he does it shirtless? Please God let shirtless Judd tie her up - We loveee a shirtless Judd, he is hotter than the fireworks comin’ out of my pussy on the fourth of July!”

“Oh God, Connie! Please do not go on, I do not want to know how that feels.”

You shook your head vehemently, facepalming. Ah fuck… now you can’t stop thinking about shirtless Judd.

“Do you remember when we saw shirtless Judd for the first time, after he sharpened his knives out back, smellin’ like woodchips and cigarettes? Whew baby~”

Connie held her chin in her hands as she playfully kicked her hoofs back and forth atop of the bed, opposite Leah who was thankfully none the wiser and still on her phone. Your hands felt clammy, you swiped them against the jean of your thighs. Swallowing a cotton ball and ignoring the balmy feeling of your flushed chest, you fanned yourself with a forced laugh,

“Whew… is it warm in here?”

Leah peered up from her phone,

“Hmm? I don’t think so. Oh wait, we should probably get going soon, Mom says dinner’s gonna be ready in a half hour.”

***

The front door swung open to a beaming Elliot Birch,

“If it isn’t the wonderful (y,n)! What a pleasure it is to see you again. Please, please come in!”

Gesturing with a sweep of his arm as he stood aside, you offered a bright smile,

“It’s lovely to see you again too, Dr. Birch.”

Smile widening at his ‘This Apron’s a Feminist’ apron. What an icon. Leah appeared bored, rolling her eyes half heartedly as she breezed inside past the both of you. Smirking,

“God Dad, do you have to be so corny every time? You saw her yesterday.”

“Well when in the presence of excellence one simply must, especially if that’s everyday~.”

He held his clasped hands to his chest with a soft sigh. You felt warmth in your chest at the kindness of your best friend’s Dad. He was like a pseudo parent, with enough light and love for all. You allowed a flattered giggle, but any other thoughts stopped dead as Judd turned the corner with his shirt over his shoulder. Abs and lean muscles glistening with a sheen of sweat. His trademark scowl upon you at the door, he gave a grunt of recognition,

“Hey.”

Flicking his knife in an effortless swish. Trying to ignore Connie going nuts behind you - and dare you admit, ignoring a fluttering in your stomach - all you could manage was a,

“Uh –“

Mouth open in a small ‘o’ for a dumb moment, fortunately Diane’s voice sounded from the kitchen and saved you from an awkward moment longer,

“Judd hurry up hon, dinner’ll be ready soon.”

His scowl somehow deepened with another grunt. Scorching emerald eyes met yours and the intensity behind them winded you. Was that a smirk? It happened too quickly for you to really tell, and before you could register it, he was stalking the stairs two at a time. You were left watching his taut back muscles with your mouth hung open as Elliot giggled with Leah. Connie was trying to tell you that he really did like the shirt after all, but you were too busy trying to clear your throat and come back down to Earth. You took a deep sigh, trying to cover it with a glance around the Birch family home, and distracting yourself with the pleasant aroma of a home cooked meal. You felt yourself tense, feeling curious eyes on you still. Ah shit, Leah and her Dad were right there, weren't they. They hadn’t witnessed your fluster, surely? Hopefully? And now you had to get through an entire dinner with Judd across the way… You could feel Connie’s eyebrows wiggling from where she nestled herself onto your shoulder, lashes fluttering. God Dammit, Connie.

***

“Uhh uhhh fuck, (y/n) looked so fucking good in that tight little shirt. That pretty pink fabric - her tits were practically popping out, what a little cock tease~”

Maury mused in a gravelly voice, Judd blanking him as he flung the knife in his hand at his target on the wall. Bullseye. Maury perched on the edge of the bed with an excited bounce,

“Bullseye! Judd, hey Judd – what if you used one of those knives in some knife play, huh? D’you think (y,n)’s into knife play? OOH what if you used one of your knives to slowly cut away her pretty shirt and, and just fucking motorboat those puppies haha. I tried that last week at a sex party with John Stamos heh-“

“Stop. Fucking. Talking.”

Judd interrupted with a low rasp, jabbing a knife in his direction as a warning. Then stalking away to the bathroom to shower before dinner. Hopefully the water can wash away his thoughts.

“Maybe you could beat one out in the shower before seeing those perfect tits again at dinner. OR, even better – skip dinner, bring her upstairs and plow her ‘til your shooting blanks!”

Judd growled a guttural sound at the silhouette outside the shower curtain, dangerously low. Rubbing his eyes under the hot water. Maury’s low chuckle emanated against the walls of his mind,

“Oho ho ho hoh it’s gone straight to your balls-“

“Next time you speak, I’ll stab you.”

Fuck you, Maury.

***

You were sat next to Leah with their parents heading the table, leaving you sitting opposite Nick and Judd. The room was quiet save for the clinking of cutlery on plates and rhythmic stabbing of Judd’s knife upon his plate. Anytime you peered over at him you felt your cheeks grow warm, and so were quick to avert your gaze. Hoping to distract yourself, you broke the silence,

“Thank you for having me over again, Dr and Mrs Birch.”

“Oh please, call me Diane, (y/n).”

“It’s a pleasure as always, (y/n) and please call me Elliot.”

Judd stole a glance your way to see your sweet smile, your bashful gaze turned to your food as you were tucking a stray lock of soft hair behind your ear. He soon returned to stabbing his plate. Leah’s sly smile grew as she observed the two of you, looking rather pleased with herself as she popped some food between her lips. Nick seemed to be ignoring everyone, head in his palm as he poked noncommittally at his food. Diane placed her cutlery down with a gentle voice,

“What’s the matter, Nicky?”

“Ahh, ’s nothing. Fought with Andrew.”

Elliot chimed in with concern,

“Oh no, what did you fight about?”

“Which one’s gonna fuck who, next?”

Judd interjected with that casual rasp, earning a light scold from his parents and you’d choked on your food. Nick whined,

“Shut up, Judd!”

He offered a sinister chuckle,

“What, worried he won’t feel your little dick if you did it?”

“Judder butter, play nice please, we have company.”

Elliot gestured towards you, who was being whacked on the back by Leah in an effort to stop your coughing. You waved them off good naturedly, eyes streaming as you wheezed,

“I’m alright, really.”

“Besides, it’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean.”

Elliot flourished. You tried to laugh it off to cover your wheezing cough from returning, gulping down your water. Breathless, you managed with a coerced smile,

“Does your family always talk about penis every time you have dinner?”

“Sometimes we talk about other genitals too.”

Leah sounded almost bored, entirely desensitized to it. Your brows downturned with another nervous chuckle. Catching Judd’s serious gaze on you, you immediately glanced away with a deep flush. Elliot laced his fingers as he addressed the table,

“As you may know, (y/n) we’re a very sex positive household. We don’t want our beautiful children to feel any shame when it comes to something perfectly natural, such as us normalizing small penises -”

“Oh sure yea, let’s completely forget about my problems and talk about genitals again.”

Nick muttered under his breath. Elliot reached for his youngest son’s hand,

“Nicky, having a small penis is nothing to be ashamed of, don’t let anyone get to you about it.”

You could feel yourself tensing, eyes wide as your gaze flit around the table, lips taut as if sewn shut. Elliot finished with a honeyed tone,

“Whether you decide to be intimate with Andrew or not, anyone would be lucky to be with you.”

Judd chuckled lowly as Nick whined in protest,

“I don’t want to fuck Andrew! Argh, gross.”

“Elliot, honey, maybe we should try to talk about something else?”

Diane offered, sensing the table dynamics being thrown for a loop. Elliot kissed the back of her soft palm with a smile,

“Alright, sweetheart, anything for you~. Leah, (y/n), how’re rehearsals going for your new play?”

“Oh they’re going great so far, actually, thank you. We got the leads, we’re sisters in the show.”

You chirped, beaming as bright as the sun getting to talk about what you loved and best of all, you would get to work with your best friend. If you had a magnifying glass, or if you were in fact even paying attention to it at all, you may have been able to see Judd’s lips curve into a pleasant arc. Decidedly less menacing than usual. Maury and his gaggle of penises would be having a field day. Elliot beamed,

“Oh that’s wonderful!”

“Oh God what about that scene we have to rehearse for, tomorrow though? Talk about annoying.”

Leah mused, you turned to her with lightly knotted brows,

“Which one?”

“The one with Daniel – ugh. I think they’re still making your scene together an interpretative sex scene.”

“Wh-what?”

“Ew wait, Head Pusher?”

Nick screwed up his face in disgust as he asked, Judd stopped stabbing the table. You were too busy tensing up with an unpleasant feeling crawling up your spine to notice. Elliot chimed in,

“'Head Pusher?' Should we be concerned about this young person?”

“Nick said I slashed his tires.”

“Right before Nick was sick in his hat, ha.”

Leah interjected with a laugh so that it was uncertain whether anyone had actually heard Judd’s criminal offense. You whispered to her,

“Do your parents know about that party?”

“Oh it’s fine, we got grounded for it, they know.”

“Oh okay hah.. ha..”

You tried a laugh but all this oversharing was… odd for you, to say the least. Not to mention the discomfort seeping into your lower abdomen at the thought of having any kind of scene with Daniel the Head Pusher.

“Yes I was… sick in his hat haha ha..”

Nick rubbed the back of his neck as he caught Diane’s narrowed gaze before he shot out,

“But at least I didn’t cum in the living room, that’s the worst thing to happen in that room.”

“Worst thing so far -”

“That was your friend. Your friend came in the living room.”

Leah pointed out with a scoff, her fork pointing his way, once more over shadowing Judd’s ominous threat. Judd was chuckling to himself at the news,

“Ha, Nice.”

All the while you had some salad lodged in your throat again, bobbing up and down unable to get it down. Nick uttered to himself, surprised,

“That wasn’t supposed to reflect badly on me, I don’t really know what to say now.”

“Does Andrew have a bigger penis? Is that what’s been upsetting you, Nicky?”

Elliot took his son’s hand again, voice rung true with concern despite the nature of the question stirring different reactions from the table. Nick slid his hand out from his father’s grasp as if he’d burned to the touch,

“Oh God Dad, no!-“

“His chode is bigger than your little dinger though, bet.”

“Fuck you, Judd!”

“Well someone should- and that someone is you~“

Connie muttered in your ear, almost making you jump out of your seat. Leah offered,

“Nick girls don’t care about penis size as much as guys do.”

“This wasn’t even what I was talking about! You all assumed and started talking about dicks!-“

“You know pleasure isn’t always strictly penetration, in fact I’d argue the opposite –“

Diane began and you’d finally swallowed the lodged food. You stopped trying to eat in favour of rubbing the tense spot on your brow,

“Oy vey-”

“Oh totally, but the effort in trying is better than a fucking head pusher, gross.”

“Hear that, Nick? You’ll get points for trying - if you can actually find someone that wants to hook up with you first, haha.”

“Is it so bad that he hasn’t uh.. done that stuff yet? I mean he’s still young, we all are… still young. Young and pressured ha ha... ha.”

You found yourself interjecting Judd’s low sting in a ramble, cheeks growing warmer by the minuet as it tumbled out like word vomit. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at Judd after catching his unreadable gaze. Lately when you looked at Judd and caught his thousand yard stare, it made you feel things in the pit of your stomach that you only really seemed to hear about. Leah quirked a blonde brow at Judd’s response, or lack of one thereof. Diane smiled at you,

“I think that’s true, too. There’s a lot of pressure on young people to do things they may not even be ready for.”

“I hope no one’s ever made you feel that way, (y/n).”

Elliot once again with concern ringing true in his tone and intent, but only causing your shoulders to tense with a flush crawling up to your ears. You cleared your throat in an effort to even your voice,

“N-no no, not at all, thank you uh, for your concern haha I am just swell.”

Jesus Christ, swell? That’s what I’m going for? Well, too late now. Your held your arms with your head hung in a dip, Elliot was ready to preach to you about loving yourself when it was likely the last thing you needed in that moment. Judd seized you up from across the table, scowl deepening before eyeing his parents. He was quick to pluck the balsamic dressing bottle up, and tossed it over at Nick’s head,

“Hey Nick, think fast.”

“Ow Judd, what the fuck? What was that for, asshole?”

He chuckled that low sinister laugh at the connection the bottle made to his brother’s head,

“I told you, I’m an agent of chaos, you little scrunt.”

Nick rubbed the spot with a whine before slapping Judd’s arm. Diane raised her voice some,

“Judd! - Boys, stop that right now!”

“I need to get the fuck to college.”

Leah held her head in her hands for a moment, meeting your gaze between her fingers,

“Please tell me you’re finished with dinner, we can hang out upstairs if you are.”

***

After some time with Leah in her room, you were on your way out when a sweet chittering sounded by your feet,

“Hmm?”

A racoon had weaved itself between your ankles with it's excitable trill. You simply bubbled with laughter as you crouched down to meet it, any prior nerves melting away as the little racoon let you pet their fluffy head. It bumped its head up into your hand as you pet it, stroking between their eyes with your index finger,

“Well aren’t you sweet! You seem uh pretty domesticated for a wild animal?”

“Raccoons can’t be fully domesticated -"

“Jesus!”

"-but apparently they’re pretty good at catering small events.”

You shot up at the sound of Judd’s velvet voice coming out of nowhere from behind you, hand flying to your chest. Judd seemingly unfazed by the outburst had continued over it. His lips curled in an impish smirk. The racoon that was perched in your hand had fled behind Judd’s calf with a warbled chitter. Your lips curving in an unexpected smile as you met Judd’s dark smirk,

“We should get a bell on you or something, you scared the shit out of me. That was some Adam's family bullshit right there.”

“Ugh fuck, she’s into pet play? Please tell me she’s into pet play and wants to put a pretty bell collar on you or, or on herself, Mmmngh~”

Maury was still foaming at the mouth in the background, Judd grunted at him but made to ignore him as his slight smirk fell on you,

“You’re one to talk, your dumbass dramatic reaction just scared the little guy.”

Your attention drawing back to the little fella chittering from behind Judd’s leg. You rolled your eyes, trying to suppress your smile as you did. Folding your arms with a quirked brow at Judd, before crouching down once more with a gentle smile,

“I’m sorry little one –“

Maury opened his mouth to speak as you began leaning down with that open collar, Judd glared at him murderously,

"Don't even think about it."

Before you could get into your apology, the fluffy racoon seemed to have immediately forgiven you. They hopped right into your arms, making you giggle in delight,

“Well alright then~”

“God she’s as bright as the sun, that usually disgusts us in a person.”

Maury rubbed his furry chin in thought, observing (y/n) with the racoon. After a moment more of laughter, you realized Judd was observing you with a quizical brow. You cleared your throat and stood tall, scratching the back of your head,

“Anyway, I uh.. I should be heading off now. It was nice to meet you um..?”

“Cookie. That one’s Cookie.”

You could hardly suppress your smile at the name, biting down on your plush lips,

“Cookie. Unexpectedly cute.”

“Just like Judd~”

Connie wiggled her brows with a seductive lilt, to which you rolled your eyes. Judd was no where near ‘cute’… but you couldn’t deny that learning small things like this about him made you smile, and spread an unexpected warmth through your chest. Judd allowed a small smirk,

“Cute? You don’t know why they’re called that.”

That near psychotic smile matched with that low husk made you question your initial analysis. Either way you chuckled softly, tucking your hair behind your ear with a confident smile,

“Then maybe you should tell me about it sometime.”

That stopped his smirk short, his brows raised as his lips parted in a small ‘o’. Your own smile dropped at his response. Oh shit, did I say something wrong? Before he could respond, Leah emerged from her room,

“Oh, (y/n) you’re still here?”

Judd grunted with a deepened frown, side eyeing Leah as he heard her voice from behind him. Your rosy cheeks and bright eyes met hers with a faintly opened mouth, as if about to speak. Leah leant against her door frame as she mused in a lilt,

“Well it’s dark now, I don’t think you should go home alone –“

“I’ll drive you.”

Leah smiled with raised brows, I didn’t even have to finish~

“Oh ok, are you s-sure? Thanks.”

Judd grunted in response,

“Yea, common.”

Fishing his keys from a surprise compartment behind a painting.

“Be safe, kids~”

Leah winked at you from her doorframe, you caught it as you peered over Judd’s shoulder before heading down the stairs.

“Oh Shit - Leah knows you wanna bump beautifuls with her sexy jungle cat of a brother!”

“Wait what?! I thought she meant ‘be safe’ because he drives like a maniac?”

“Oh my sweet summer child-“

Connie cradled you in her anthropomorphic hair arms without any space between you, you kept inhaling her fur. You felt like you were a dog toy being squeezed. You tapped her furry side,

“Uh, Con.. Connie – can’t breathe!”

She let you go with a small apology, watching as Judd met the bottom of the stairs, grunting at you in a way that prompted your frozen limbs to move again. Connie lilted,

“I’ll let Judd do the chokin’ baby~”

Ah fuck… now you’re fantasizing about fucking in the back of his car.

#Judd Birch x Reader #Judd Birch #Big Mouth #Judd x Reader #fanfiction #fanfic #light smut #Dinner with the Birches #tw: knife play mention #tw: pet play mention #tw: choking mention

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