#knowing that if i fuck it up i lose a £10k scholarship

[hairtusk]

I'm one more minor inconvenience away from an actual, fully-fledged nervous breakdown

[dnfao3tags]

Monthly Fic Roundup - February 2023

so many good ones this month honestly.

leave a kudos and nice comment to all these talented ppl !

— candle-lit sun by findingahome (mature | comp. | 4k)

baths, intimacy, and the kind of love found only in candlelight.

— strike us like matches by tippysleeps (expl. | comp. | 8k)

“Shut up,” George says, again, as Dream scrolls. “You have a spreadsheet,” Dream says, redundantly. His eyes catch on the titles that fill the cells, the columns, the rows, the links. There are even numbers. “You have functions.” He tilts back in the chair, looking up at George. “What are the functions for?”

— like nothing ever happened by Anonymous (mature | comp. | 11k)

Dream meets a sweet guy in the Twitchcon party who, funnily enough, is not very into social media and has no idea who he is. They decide to give it a try, despite how dangerous it might be (for Dream, what it is to expose yourself in any way. For Evan, what it is to fall for someone already in love). On the sidelines, George goes fucking insane.

note: HELP ME i cnt fuckin breath someone actually wrote it

— love by candlelight by snowdreamr (teen | comp. | 9k)

Patience is a virtue, they say. Dream must be the most virtuous man on Earth.

— you got the peaches (i got the cream) by preytall (expl. | comp. | 2k)

A love letter to George's... assets.

— Attachment Issues by youresheesh (expl. | comp. | 15k)

Dream has a one-night stand with George after picking him up at a party, but it quickly turns out he might feel a bigger connection than that...

— Wake Up Slowly (Take It From Me Whole) by sageafk, snowdreamr (teen | comp. | 12k)

“Dr’m,” George whimpers, burying his face further into the pillows, and hugging them close to his chest. He hears the rustle of fabric, of his friend getting out of bed. “George?” He asks, his tone ten times more urgent than before. “What do you need?” “‘M sick,” he mumbles, not even making an attempt to keep his eyes open anymore. “R’lly sick. Help me.”

— like a secret by findingahome (teen | comp. | 2k)

a shirt and a bet leads to a “soft” launch on stream. 

— all the words that you said (did you mean them?) by twostorms (teen | comp. | 6k)

Dream gets a head injury—and, consequently, a valentine.

— a fool's guide to guarding a dutiful heart by beforeduskfalls (teen | comp. | 10k)

George learns the ways of love and trust in the ways that Dream is willing to teach him.

— i know you feel the way i do by nervouswaltz (expl. | comp. | 12k)

George watches a lot of porn, but still hasn't had sex. Dream sets about helping him change that.

— sandbox love by sickah (expl. | comp. | 16k)

Dream and George had known each other since they were four, but neither of them planned to become national tennis superstars in high school. The pressure gets worse when they find out that they might have been in love this whole time.

— romantic curses and how to break them by brokenlikeastitch (teen | comp. | 18k)

George is cursed, like there’s no other logical explanation. With every wedding invite he receives, it only solidifies his theory.

— circle the drain by twostorms (teen | comp. | 26k)

George makes it to Florida. It’s more complicated than it should be.

— A Breath of Smoke and Warmth by biboyhalo (expl. | comp. | 9k)

“I’m going to ask Sapnap if I can have some of his weed.”

— from the ground up by Orlaith (mature | comp. | 11k)

George loses his scholarship that allowed him to move across the Atlantic and attend school on the sun-soaked shores of Florida, and he has to fight tooth and nail to get it back. The one wrench in his plans is getting paired for a semester project with the annoyingly attractive blond he spent most of his first semester fighting.

— lovecanthropy by fifishy (teen | comp. | 3k)

Dream and George spend the first full moon together

— lay us down, we're in love by womanhunt (mature | comp. | 3k)

Dream and George spend a soft morning together in Los Angeles.

— you are what you love by 21questions (teen | comp. | 10k)

Five milestones in the development of Dream and George's relationship, and the one moment that really sets it in stone.

— Wheel of Fate Challenge - DNF Favorites and First Times

In this collection, we challenged ourselves to write tropes that we've never tried before or maybe just don't have a lot of experience with. We spun two wheels this time: one with these new-to-us tropes and another with some of our favorite tropes to write. Our fics had to include both of the tropes the Wheels of Fate chose for us. We hope you enjoy these stories. Leave a kudos and comment if you did!

note: make sure to read all the fics in this collection! theyre solid

[andromeddog]

pls talk more about your scottish highlander regiment ocs…… they are so enchanting.. i love the officers

anon i hope you are prepared for a lot of rambling under the cut

hello and welcome to my twisted mind.... i'll try to condense the 10k google doc of lore into something passable here. BASICALLY all of these ww1 guys are part of a web of interconnecting stories that intersect and span before/during/after the war. the main group are the four rugby boys who live in Stirling, Scotland and are drawn into the war in 1916 following the military service act...

from left to right we've got connor, james, peter, and johnny! excuse my bad handwriting but here's the jist of their dynamics. they play rugby together before everything goes to shit (peter is captain, james is the star player, johnny is stupidly reckless, and connor keeps getting into fights) a group of good guys, if a bit rowdy. they join up with the 14th Service Battalion of the Argyll & Sutherlands and spend most of the war fighting on the western front!

two old sketches of johnny and peter..... i think these r from like spring 2022? anyway i could go into more detail about their interpersonal issues but it's a lot and i feel like that could b its own post... ultimately connor gets killed taking out a stormtrooper (another oc) and peter loses a leg about a week later. james contracts influenza and gets sent home but eventually recovers, leaving johnny to finish out the war by himself. their group is definitely not the same after the war, and peter & james in particular really struggle with ptsd in the following years.

AND THE OFFICERS. WOO. aka toxic old man yaoi aka Lt Kincaide and Lt Irvine. these two spend like three full decades being catty and hating each other before they end up getting together LOL it goes something like this: kincaide is from a wealthy family, irvine is not, they meet at school and end up going to the same military academy prewar. they rly hate each other from the beginning and would probably just be petty rivals HOWEVER. irvine is sneaking around somewhere he 1000% should not be and catches kincaide in a very compromising position w another man. irvine intends to tattle but kincaide blackmails irvine into keeping quiet- irvine is there solely on scholarship and kincaide has enough social clout to ruin his military career. basically if kincaide goes down he's taking irvine with him.

that sets the stage for a decades long contentious relationship- partially bc they just keep bumping into each other. irvine obessively tries to find ways to end kincaide's career and kincaide loooooves fucking with him. individually they're very competent people- kincaide is an especially beloved officer even if he is a bit of a romantic snob, and irvine is insanely effective if a bit rigid and cold. these guys got issues on top of issues but proximity eventually leads to a healthy rivalry that becomes something like friendship that becomes basically being married. by the end of the war they are staples in each others lives but they dont get together until a decade or so after it's all over... they each take some damage during the war and spend their later years taking care of each other :')

my beloved old men. they are so fucked up. mutsache4mustache <3

there is so much i could say about them individually and the deep lore but im such a horrendous writer. also this is like a quarter of all of their stuff minus about four characters. the ideal format for this story would be a 300 chapter webcomic/graphic novel but i have neither time nor skill nor attention span for such a sprawling story so it'll just be random illustrations and blurbs in the tags. and my google docs. if any of this has interested ppl i've made a rugby boy playlist and an officers playlist bc im insane. you can get the vibes of their stories a lot better.

and uh i think thats a super rough version of these guys. anon i hope you know that i love you and this ask was so delightful to get <3

[stumbleintothesun]

Life Rant

For the few people in here...sorry lmao this is long as hell.

Lately I've been feeling like...garbage. I know there's no one on this place that really follows me, so this is me posting to the void.

I have been dealing with a lot of health issues related to my mental health and weight. I've gained nearly twenty pounds in a year, and no matter what I do my weight doesn't budge. I work out regularly, Ive been trying to eat better but...my only thought is its because I'm working a desk job now - which I fucking hate with a fury. And I know my weight isnt the end of the world - it just really, really fucks with my mental health. I've always felt ugly. The only time I didn't was when I was super thin which I know is problematic - and I know that's part of my mental health...like my aunt died from an ED. And my mom definitely had/has an ED even if she's gotten much better about it in the past few years...

And I'm finally getting my face to clear up after wearing these masks for a year - a year! But I'm still dealing with the healing process and I'm anxious it will scar. I've worked this entire pandemic at a job I *hate* just to you know, finally pay off my student loans just go back to school so maybe I can do something I love. But even at 25 and providing for myself, I hardly got any financial help. The only thing saving me is my grades that got me a decent transfer scholarship.

But the first school I applied to wanted my high school transcript, even though I have an associate's degree, and because I'm, frankly, stupid I somehow missed that they needed it. So they threw out my application that I spent an otherwise four hours writing for.

So I'm going to Eastern, which frankly will be better for my mental health, but they don't have a tuition free program. So I'm going to have to borrow money after just finally paying off my single year at a liberal arts college debt that I took on when I was 17 (it ended up being like 30k to pay off). And it's all because I didn't fucking read right. So much for being a good student, I guess.

But it wouldn't have mattered because they would've hardly taken any of my classes despite most of them being from down the road and for an associate's degree! And even Eastern is giving me a hard time, despite my degree they say I don't have the basic level biology course - my degree is biology focused! I'm going into ecology! I have taken genetics, conservation biology, anatomy and physiology, cellular biology but I don't have intro bio? So now I have to test out, on top of working full time. Which is fine, its a good refresher...I'm just so overwhelmed with life right now. I have a stack of over 100 flash cards and I'm just anxious.

This is a year after my partner went through an ugly break up with their old fiance (we were poly), and their ex was an abusive POS who once told them if they came out as anything other than their assigned gender, he wouldn't date them anymore. He gaslit them constantly, made them feel like hell. So we finally got out, but he wanted the house they got together or 10k. He made over double what they make - and he always forced them to pay half the bills, including half of his fucking protein bullshit because it was "groceries." He knew they didn't have the funds. Because our friends are amazing, we were able to buy him off but he left the house trashed.

It fucking sucked, and they were also responsible for getting his name off the house which meant a refinance that we could hardly afford. We got lucky we were able to do it, but they hardly got anything back for it. And it was a *nightmare*. We finally got it done, after pulling teeth and it took six months. Four months longer than they said. And that entire time they were forced to occasionally reach out to him, their old abuser.

Finally we were free, but then I started having further issues at work. Between the pandemic, and working in a heavily red area during the election, I cried a lot. I work in customer service and while I make okay money for the industry, I'm constantly burned out. My colleagues are okay, but it feels stupid to leave just to find a job for three months to go back to school. Then I started being short in my drawer (I'm a teller at a bank). The final straw was being short $500. Now I'm on a work plan, and if Im short again, I'm out. And it's my fault. I don't know how it has been happening. So now I'm always on edge at work, triple checking everything. And I could leave, I could get another job but there's no promise I'll make what I do now, and in order for me to pay for the chunk of school I need to, I have to put away a certain amount every month.

I do have a grant of sorts for 5k per semester to help with bills, which will alleviate a lot once August arrives. And I know I'm crazy lucky to have that. So sometimes I feel like such an asshole about it. But we have a house to pay for and bills to pay. Just like everyone else. Ugh, I don't know.

I talked to my doctor about my weight, came in with calorie intake numbers and how much I work out with zero change. I cut out pop entirely from drinking it every day. Nothing has helped. So we switched my meds from Lexapro to Wellbutrin to see if I lose weight because of that. Nope, just having more mental break downs, steady weight, and my resting heart rate is abnormally high, stopping me from making a little extra cash donating plasma. So now I'm switching back to Lexapro with nothing gained other than. You know. Feeling like shit. Next up? Birth control coming out of my arm. Don't really need it anyway. And maybe that will help? But I don't think so. I'm not sure what to do.

I am genuinely trying to be healthy, eating more whole foods. More veggies. More home cooked meals. I love to cook, I'm just tired. And sometimes the air fryer and oven baked frozen foods are too easy to pass up. I'm trying to always eat breakfast. I'm working out again, we have a gym membership but there are so many men there and I dont always feel comfortable, because my partner has been anemic and they can't go yet. So I use our bike in the living room and do home workouts.

But when I did this last time there was zero change in weight or anything. Even when I ate really, really clean for three weeks and worked out for most days, tracking calories and everything. Nothing changed. My thyroid is fine, we've already checked it. I'm just tired.

This past year, other than being with my partner has fucking sucked. And this doesn't even cover all the shit they've dealt with with switching to they/them and a name change. I love them so much, and love that they are finally comfy but their parents were assholes about it. And that matters. It does, and I get it. I just wish I could help them more. I wish we had a break, a breather for longer than a day. Even then I can't relax, I'm too on edge. There's too much to be done. I need to earn money, I need to clean, I need to focus. I need to be productive in some way to justify if I'm not working on those things. It's...all dumb.

[mychemicalficrecs]

Hi so I've read 2 my chem sports AUs recently (All We Need Is Daylight by Helena_Hathaway and Getting the Gold by frankiesin) and I loved them surprisingly a lot because My Chemical Romance and various sports are not something you'd expect go together. I'm wondering if you know of any other sports AUs?

Hi Nonny!

There's a few Sports AUs I know and if you don't mind High School Sports AUs, there's quite a few of those as well!

Sports AUs

All We Need is Daylight by Helena_Hathaway, Frank/Gerard, 240k [WIP], Explicit. Frank is thrust all too suddenly into a new life, one where he's not warmly welcomed. He's the best goddamn hockey player he knows, though, and he's not going to let anyone take that away from him. Or at least, not until his world comes tumbling down.

Getting the Gold by frankiesin, Mikey/Pete, 9k, General Audiences. It's Mikey's first time as an Olympic coach, and he's navigating the new role pretty well until he meets the men's swim coach. Pete's gorgeous, funny, and entertaining as hell, but Mikey's pretty sure he's already got a boyfriend. Also featuring Mikey and Lindsey being Super Bros, and way too many baby athletes in need of supervision.

you wanna get it for free by akamine_chan, Ray/Mikey, 2k, Explicit. Ray's a wrestler, you see...

Pages In Your Passport by inlovewithnight, Mikey/Pete, 15k, Explicit. Pete pursued soccer instead of music. He has a good long run in the game. Then in 2010, he meets this guy in a band.

The Circuit by stoplightglow, Frank/Gerard, 24k, Teen And Up Audiences. In the world of competitive motorcycle racing, nothing is more prestigious than the Grand Circuit Tour. Americans everywhere gather to watch as the twelve best racers in the nation compete for the title of Circuit Champion and $100,000. Gerard Way is no stranger to the race. When he was a teenager, his name was practically legend - but after disappearing without explanation six years ago, he's become little more than a relic of the past. Now, at age twenty-six, Gerard is back on the Circuit with something to prove. It's Frank Iero's first year on the tour, but he's more than ready. No one has seen a kid blast through the ranks so fast since Gerard Way first appeared on the scene a decade ago. With a cocky attitude and the whole country swooning over him, nothing can slow him down. The stakes have never been so high. Welcome to the Fourteenth Annual Grand Circuit Tour.

Down And Dirty by dear_monday, Frank/Gerard, 3k, Explicit. Gerard's own beloved cherry-red Harley has pedigree in fucking spades, sure, but she's seen better days, and she just doesn't have the power to outrun Iero and that revolting custom paint job. The matching helmet painted to look like a jack-o-lantern is just too much. An AU wherein the boys are dirty bikers, inspired by the recently-released photos from the Japanese Rolling Stone shoot.

shut up and drive by Trojie, uglowian, Patrick/Mikey/Pete, 139k, Teen And Up Audiences. Pete Wentz is the grid girl, Andy Hurley loves him (not like that), and Jared Leto is the bad guy. A.K.A.: the bandom The Fast and the Furious AU that literally no one asked for.

Another Cog In The Murder Machine by ace_writez, Ray/Mikey, 3k [WIP], General Audiences. Mikey's life is set. He's going to get a basketball scholarship for university and then play in the big leagues. All he has to do is get team captain his last year of high school. But he runs into some competition when another good player also tries out. Suddenly he's not so sure he's going to make it. Ray is also trying for a scholarship. As the star quarterback of Belleville High for three years, he's gunning for a fourth. When a situation at home suddenly drags him down, and a certain boy at school catches his eye, he finds himself at a crossroads. Two boys. Two sports. One school, and one story.

Day Seven: Half Dressed - Frerard by LeatherlipsIero, Frank/Gerard, 3k, Mature. Frank reached out his hand for the stranger to shake, "I'm Frank, let me buy you a drink as an apology?" He smiled again when the stranger grabbed his strong and callused hand with his own soft one. "Thank you, but it's my fault, honestly." The strange and pretty man tried to explain but Frank didn't care. "I insist." He said and sent the beautiful stranger a half smirk with half-lidded bedroom eyes, which had the poor boy blushing in seconds. Score.

Olympians by krissykane, Frank/Gerard, 3k, General Audiences. Frank is a shooter who has (somehow) made it to his second Olympic games. There he joins the crowd at a fencing event and sees a certain Team USA fencer for the first time.

Take One For The Team (Excuse Me If I'm Rude) by frenchpirate (Whiskey_n_speed), Mikey/Pete, 25k, Explicit. “So, your coach,” Gabe started, change of subject, thank god. “Yeah, what about him?” Mikey asked and glanced over at Pete who was heading towards the coach locker rooms, dragging a net of footballs after him. “You never told me he was hot. I’m pretty sure that’s withholding indispensable information. I should’ve signed up for the soccer team.” He said halfway jokingly, and William scoffed and rolled his eyes. “What, he’s not-“ “He so is. He’s like totally – small and handy,” He made a smooth explanatory hand-motion. “I want to fit him in my pocket.” * (Or; twenty eight scenes about skipping school, douchebag friends, post-college parties and way too much soccer)

Boxer!Fic by iamdali, Frank/Gerard, 47k, Explicit, General Audiences. After med school, Gerard had this idea of what life would be like. The idea now probably seems more than ridiculous, but still it’s what he clung to in order to drag himself through those gruelling morning hours after an all nighter of studying or writing some preposterously long paper on some disease or medical break through or why whatever part of the human body does whatever it does, and what happens when it doesn’t.

It's Not A Side Effect Of The Triple Axel (I'm Thinking It Must Be Love) by mizubyte (b_dsaint), Mikey/Pete, 10k, Teen And Up Audiences. If not for Alicia, Mikey never would have stepped on to the ice, let alone become a figure skater. Now, over 15 years later, Vancouver is Mikey's last chance for Olympic Gold. If he doesn't get distracted by snowboarder Pete Wentz, that is.

If The Skates Don't Fit by halfeatenmoon, Lindsey/Gerard, 12k, Teen And Up Audiences. Lyn-Z thought her rollerderby team might have a chance of winning some games this year, until she discovered that the new girl she'd recruited to the team was actually a man named Gerard. With a week to go until the first match against their long-time rivals, the Cobras, Lyn-Z and her teammates instead steal one of the Cobras' players - Maja, who has been feeling underappreciated since her side was joined by a new star. Maja's a great player, but it's a challange to learn to skate with a new teammate with only a week to go, especially when she still has some unresolved issues with her old captain.

Split lips hurt by toxic_fox, Frank/Gerard, 769 words, Teen And Up Audiences. Every Thursday, at six o’ clock sharp, frank goes boxing. He loves the adrenaline, the rush he gets from fighting, the blood, the pain. He kind of likes the kind medic as well.

Uppercut by mcrhomo, Frank/Gerard, 3k [WIP], Teen And Up Audiences. Frank is dealing with a lot in his life, including body dysmorphia. When he signs up for a boxing class to lose weight, he meets Gerard, and his whole life is turned several different ways (for better and for worse).

I Believe You're The Enemy (Game On) by imanemostan, Frank/Gerard, 2k, Mature. Constant affairs kept secret by frank and gerard, on different laser tag teams playing against each other. weirdly enough, both their schools have an official laser tag team. How will they ever be able to keep this a secret?

I Just Want You by Bridgetti, Frank/Gerard, 2k, General Audiences. Frank teaches Gerard to skate.

It's All In the Game by happilysurviving (orphan_account), Frank/Gerard, 46k [WIP], Mature. Even jocks have issues. Especially the closeted ones who have friends they have to kick off their football teams. And it gets even worse when they have to kick them off because of a homophobic coach. But of course that's only the beginning as this is Dan Howell and he always has to have larger problems on top of the ones everyone else would believe to be impossible to handle. Having Frank as his best friend certainly doesn't help or the head gossip guru in town as his mother but it could be worse, right? I mean he could be in love with an opposing team's quarterback... Oh wait.

Frerard Football Team AU For Which I Could Not Think of a Title by franks_hands, Frank/Gerard, 5k, Teen And Up Audiences. In the locker room and at practices, Frank was noisy, bordering on obnoxious. He seemed to bounce off the walls sometimes. He didn’t know about personal space.

of cute boys and rollerskates by etselec, Mikey/Pete, 1k, General Audiences. “I’m teaching you how to skate,” Mikey nearly fell as he removed Pete’s arms away from him. He squeezed his hand instead, “so our next date it won’t be as awkward.” “Date?” Pete asked. “Well, we’re holding hands already, aren’t we?” Mikey smiled at him.

Hand in Mine, Into Your Icy Blues by sundrowned, Frank/Gerard, 28k, General Audiences. Gerard is the captain of the hockey team and his overbearing father is the coach. When a new boy named Frank joins the team, Gerard has to decide weather to follow his father's orders to stay away from the boy or choose his own path.

Skating In A Ttutu by runaway_killjoy, Frank/Gerard, 51k, Teens And Up Audiences, Explicit. Frank has to move towns with his mom. He's disheartened to realize that teenagers are judgemental and manipulative no matter where you go. And no one gets judged quite as bad as the ballerina/skater boy who isn't even 5ft. Skater boy AU prompt, Frerard

Powderpuff by Gorgeous Nerd (gorgeousnerd), Frank/Gerard, 2k, Explicit. It isn't like Frank's opposed to powderpuff football. The timing's just kind of bad.

Get Up And Go by inlovewithnight, 6k, Teen And Up Audiences. Mikey Way: Ultramarathon Runner.

[achillesmercury1996]

Mindless ramble I plan to read to my therapist about my ~life~ under the cut

Y’all, I just wish I knew what in the ever-loving FUCK I want to do with my life. Like, I wish there was something that I was genuinely GOOD at, but whenever I stop to think about it I just... *Radio Silence*. I went to primary school for 12 mother-fuckin’ years, yo, and during that time, I learned fuck all about myself and what I want to do with the remainder of my life. I dabbled in theater back in those days, but never stuck with it because I’m what my parents like to call ~a quitter~. (When, really, I just didn’t like rehearsals after school, and I especially didn’t like getting harassed by the male director with an ego bigger than Napoleon’s). 

Anyway, by some fucking MIRIACLE, ya girl graduated, and got accepted to UNIVERSITY. Which, for me, it was a huge fucking deal because I’ve never been considered ‘smart’ or ‘the college type’. Like, I graduated high school with a 2.9 GPA, whereas my sisters (who I’ve been endlessly compared to my entire life), graduated with a 3.8 and a 4.0, SO, and ended up going to one of the big 10 universities in America. Again...SO. 

Carrying on. I went to uni undecided because, again, I don’t know what the ever-loving FUCK I want to do with my life. So about halfway through my first semester, I was walking back to my dorm and was like, “FUCK IT, I write a lot, I’m gonna major in Journalism and Minor in Writing hahahahahaha because writing one semi-successful fanfic on fanfic dot net back in 2012 means I’m cut out for this legggoooo!!” 

Anyway, I declare my major and minor, and let me tell you...I took my first journalism courses at uni...and girl, journalism was NOT IT. Not for me, anyway. I always saw journalism as legit WRITING, and given the media boom, it is literally everything BUT writing. When I tell you my ass was hauling a FIFTY POUND VIDEO CAMERA AND BOOM MIC ACROSS CAMPUS FOR A PROJECT WORTH 50% OF MY GRADE...no, ma’am. I literally spent thousands of dollars on a course my 3rd year in my major where you were graded ONLY on doing these 2 film projects...and I DIDN’T DO EITHER OF THEM. I got a D- in the course just because my prof liked me, and would feel bad giving me an F. 

Side note, there was even a point during my 2nd year of uni where I decided to change my minor to EARTH SCIENCE because I was like, “yo, rocks are neat, and maybe I could write for Nat Geo one day hahahahahahaha”. Girl, WHAT!?

Okay, so needless to say, I literally fell into a pit, spiraled out of fucking control, drank so much cheap beer, and dropped tf out halfway through my 2nd semester my 3rd year. I had spent HOURS every single day, prior to my decision of dropping out, just looking at other majors offered at my uni (and I went to a liberal arts school, so we had a ton), and absolutely NONE OF THEM struck my interest. NONE.

So what did I do after I dropped out? You mean other than gain 50 pounds and work dead-end jobs? I WENT TO FUCKING BEAUTY SCHOOL. It’s like, someone looked at me, said my makeup looked nice once, and I RAN WITH IT, GIRL. I shit you not, even before I left the town my uni was in to move home, I was looking at beauty schools out there. It wasn’t until I realized that financial aid wouldn’t pay for housing at a beauty school did I realize I would have to move home. 

So I’m 22, and my dumb ass goes to Esthetics school. One of the WORST ESTHETICS SCHOOLS IN MICHIGAN, MIND YOU. BECAUSE I SOMEHOW GOT A SCHOLARSHIP. And, no, I didn’t get a scholarship because I’m ~so good at what I do~. I got a scholarship because I’m ~broke~, and the admissions officer felt bad for me, and said if I could write a decent essay about why I wanted to be an esthetician, then she could hook me the fuck up. And I said BET, because one thing that came out of me going to uni...I can write a BOMB essay, okay? I was the designated editor on my dorms floor my 1st year at uni. Not because I’m ~such a good editor~ but because I can bang out a 5 page essay in thirty minutes no problem. Ya girl knows how to write some bullshit down on paper and make it look like gold. Too bad I fucking HATE DOING IT. 

Anyway. I go to esthetics school, and immediately get licensed after graduating. It was one of the worst 6 month periods of my entire life, and I honestly hate reflecting back on it. It was also a waste of 8k, and now I’m 10k in student debt hahahaha thanks America! 

I genuinely tried to pursue esthetics afterward. I really did. I had a bitchin’ resume, and I went to a ton of interviews at salons, and applied to countless places as an esthetician and makeup artist. I even had a potential job lined up at a salon not far from my house...which ended up falling through because they wanted me to do ~free labor~ for three months full-time before hiring me. Which...no thanks. I needed money. So what did I do? I GET A JOB AT FUCKING KROGER. AS A PICK-UP ATTENDANT. Again, another dark point of my life that was followed by me quitting there after getting injured, going to work at HOBBY LOBBY only to have a mental breakdown before one of my shifts that leads to me quitting there. 

Holy fuck. So I had a small moment where I was unemployed for the summer. I went on a trip with my boyfriend, and was a bridesmaid and makeup artist for my sister’s wedding. So it was a good summer. Aside from having no direction in my life that wasn’t to the nearest bar or bottle of what-the-fuck-ever. But you know.

I got a job that December (2019) as a receptionist at a local gymnasium. Honestly, it wasn’t that bad. I had nice coworkers, the customers were actually pretty chill, and the kids were...tolerable. It wasn’t bad, okay? I actually liked it, but we all know what followed the year 2019...

That’s right...2020. Covid-19. The bane of all of our existences as of right now. 

We had to close in March of 2020 with no clue as to when we’d be able to go back. Which, at first, was a nightmare. Because I had shit to pay for, and NO INCOME. At least until unemployment kicked in, we got our first round of stimmy checks, and ya girl actually started to thrive. 

I studied more into Buddhism, got into wicca and witchcraft which ended up being a huge light in my life, believe it or not (even if I’m no good at it rn), and I was able to just...be. For a while at least. The world seemed to stop, and I could actually BREATHE for once. It was nice. I lost weight. I stopped drinking ENTIRELY (and haven’t had a drink since summer 2020 THANK YOU VERY MUCH). I read a lot more and finally got to expand my book collection. I just...got to be. And it was so nice.

But now that America and society wants life to ~go back to normal~ and ~keep moving~ (thanks, boomers), that means that I need to do the same. Except I don’t know what it means to ‘go back to normal’ because I’ve never had a normal. And I don’t know how to keep moving because sometimes I really don’t want to. I just want to be. I want to be able to sit down at dinner every night and not feel crazy anxiety because my parents keep staring at me like they’re about to start grilling me about not doing anything with my life. Because, girl, if I had any sense of direction and what I wanted to do with my life, I WOULD BE DOING SOMETHING, OKAY? Like, this pandemic is fucking horrific, okay? But I’d be a liar if I were to say that those few weeks in March and some of April where we were all just vibing, baking bread, sewing masks and being NICE TO EACH OTHER were awful. They weren’t. I loved them. I will forever be chasing that high. 

Fuck. I don’t even know what the point is in writing all of this. Maybe I’ll save it and read it to my therapist on Friday so they can get a sense of what goes on in my mind, or how I’m thinking or whatever...but yeah. I just don’t know what to do. I have no direction. I have no passions. There are things I enjoy doing that make me feel good, but once I pursue them, or am forced to do them in a way that isn’t how I want to do it...I lose that passion. Ya dig? Like back in high school when I was an actress. I actually loved it. But once I had to go to rehearsal after school and get bitched at by a director who treated a high school production of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang like it was Broadway (like, sir, you went to uni for THIS?)...that passion dissolved. Same with writing. Same with makeup artistry. Same with LITERALLY EVERYTHING I’VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE. And like I said earlier, according to my parents, that makes me ~a quitter~. 

I just...I have no passions, and the few things I enjoy doing...I don’t want to pursue them and end up hating them too. I don’t act anymore. I don’t write. I don’t do anyone else’s makeup but my own. I don’t even shop or go to the stores where I used to work (except for Kroger because a bitch has to eat). So when it comes down to it, whenever someone suggests I work in an area where it’s utilizing one of my few interests, or working somewhere that I like to go, that brings me joy or peace...why the fuck would I do that? Because, like everywhere else, I know in my gut that it’ll ruin that for me. I don’t want those things ruined for me. Even if I might be ~pleasantly surprised~, I don’t want to take that risk. Shit, I’m not that kind of risk taker. I’ll jump off of a 20ft high diving board, but I’ll be DAMNED if I apply and get a job at my favorite bookstore only to end up hating it, okay? No thank you. 

So, like I said in the beginning...I just wish there was something I was genuinely good at. Something I was passionate about that I could pursue it. Maybe even on my own so I could just...enjoy it without corporate hierarchy or whatever barking orders at me or reprimanding me for breathing the wrong fucking way. You know? Or even something that I was SO GOOD AT, that the company or whoever hired me couldn’t afford to lose me as an employee because there would be no one else out there who could do that job quite like me. Except the latter would never be the case, you know? I’m not that good or desirable at fucking ANYTHING. 

Anyway. Too bad there isn’t a course I could take on life. Too bad I couldn’t have directed my own life when it came to deciding to go to uni. Because, honestly, I only went because it was what I was told to do. But I digress about that. I just need...direction. I don’t have any, and I haven’t had any direction for a while. My parents would tell you different because they think that if they advise me on what ~they think is right~ I’ll just do it, and finally get my life together. But they don’t want to hear any of this. They just want me to get a job, make money, and get out of their house. They always say shit like, “you’re 24! You’ve been here longer than either of your sisters!” Again, comparing me to my older siblings. It just doesn’t help when you already don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, you know? 

Ah, fuck...anyways. Writing this helps. Getting these thoughts out helps. Sharing it with...someone (like I said, I’ll probably read this to my therapist) helps. It doesn’t give me any sense of direction or what the fuck I want to do with my life, but hey, maybe if I take these thoughts to someone who has their life more together, or who could help me get there, it could be a good thing. 

I just want to feel fulfilled. And right now I don’t. I never have. And everyone I know doesn’t do anything that fulfills them. It just pays the bills and puts bread on the table. Which is nice and all, but there has to be more to life than living to work and working to live. What about living to live? I need that. Even doing something that is somewhat enjoyable for the time being would be nice. But I’m tired of waking up everyday wanting to go back to bed because the job I have or whatever is so awful it makes me not even want to go through the day. What life is that? I don’t want that. I can’t have that.

But above all, that’s really what I want in life. I want to do something fulfilling. But how do I get there? 

Anyway, if you read this far...thanks? Maybe one of y’all out there feels the same way, and it’s comforting to know when other people feel the same way, I guess? You’re not alone, is what I’m saying. We’re all on our own journey in this fucked-up simulation we call life, but it’s nice to have support along the way. You’re not alone. I’m here, and if you ever need someone to talk to, an ear to listen, or a shoulder to cry on, just know that I’m here.

Okay, I’ll shut up now. Back to our regularly scheduled content and ~the gay shit~!

Love y’all.

[fckkisa]

hey pals, it’s ya hunny, bee. u’ve seen my heaux miss Thang and princess fakeass hoe, but now here’s my golden-hearted ( maybe, actually we dk ) broke-ass screw-up kisa !! below is some things about her. bio and plots coming out soon, but u know ima just use the same plot list that i have for aiya and gen so just click here tbh.

okay *cracks knuckles* let’s begin, i’m literally just writing this as i go along bear with me

okay okay so first thing’s first,,,,,,,,, she’s from jersey. i had to do it. i had to make her from jersey. mostly bc it just felt right LMFAO

okay her mom ?? a nurse. her dad ??? delivery guy. she has one sibling. their family relationship was subpar tbh, but then her mom found out her dad was spending shmoney that they didn’t rly have. and her mom was !! angry and wanted to kick him out but didn’t because of kisa and her sibling so now he just lives in their basement and they don’t talk or even go near each other. and obviously, he can’t touch kisa’s mom’s money. and he dug himself in a hole of $10k USD of debt so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, semi-important ??? we’ll touch on it later

she’s p smart ??? like rly average if we’re gonna be honest, but she manages to finesse the system. her SAT scores were ?? slightly above average. she’s also trilingual, she learned spanish and english at home. she learned french at school bc u gta take a language class

how she got to oxford ? she just wanted to not be in jersey anymore my guy. how does she have money for it bc her dad rly broke af and her mom tryna provide ??? some of it is scholarship, v little of it is her parents bc like living in jersey is pricey idk why but it is, some of it is nonschool scholarships, and a LOT of it is this: 

she got a tinder when she turned 18 and went on a date w this loaded pretty boy and he took her out, bought her dinner, had some fun in his audi AND THEN the next day she saw him again................. out with his longtime girlfriend. so this binCH kisa goes up, introduces herself as a childhood friend of the boy and the girl inVITES KISA’S ASS TO LUNCH so she goes and her smug ass is sitting there and the girl leaves for a second and the boy’s like ‘bro wdywfm’ and she’s like ‘u got a limit on ur card’ and he’s like ‘no’ WRONG CHOICE so she makes him get rid of his gf after lunch and she goes on a fucking spREE at the mall. like no remorse. so she’ll do shit like this, right ??? and then she got the idea of pretending to be people’s s/os or just anyone tbh and getting people to send her like nudes and then she’ll like reveal herself irl and blackmail them for money bc school is expensive. so ya she boujee and getting a good education on other’s dime and demise. a joanne the scammer ass bitch rly

this bitch is so messy, she’s rly so forgetful. cancels/alters/makes plans last minute or makes plans on top of plans/overplans, basically never try to plan smtn with her

type to pull an allnighter on a project u had for 3 months, lives in a single bc literally she can’t keep a room clean. has about 4 pairs of glasses and 30 things of lipbalm bc she always loses them. gets distracted if a cute boy walks by or when a girl smiles at her

talks, talks, TALKS. someone shut her up bc she don’t know when to stop running her mouth. she cares about u, she rly does. and she wants to talk about ur feelings but she can’t shut up for the life of her. like she prolly has friends who luv and care about her and get that so they’re just like ‘okay girl be quiet now’

that’s kisa for yol. a gal with no man, no plan, and no clue when to Stop 

[thedefinitionofbts]

Young

Alternatively “Wings of My Words” (你曾是少年)

Pairings: Jung Hoseok x Reader 

Genre: Fluff, Angst, Slice of Life, Tennis Player!Hoseok

Words: 10K

Description: 

He was someone you weren’t supposed to trust, someone who could break down your walls and leave you more vulnerable than you ever thought you could be. He was everything you knew you should stay away from, so why didn’t you think before falling?

Well, that’s simply because like every one who came before you, you were once rightfully and unapologetically…

Young.

A/N: Loosely inspired by the song “Young” by *cue Hobi’s voice* “their friends The Chainsmokers” and S.H.E’s “你曾是少年” (trans: you were once a youngster)

They say that when you reach your late-twenties you were supposed to have settled with a job, perhaps be on your way to marriage, starting a family, and have a relatively clear blueprint of the next ten or twenty years of your life. It’s when you’ve reached that period when musings like the meaning of existence, love, and the pursuit of happiness were things that you didn’t have time to contemplate because work life was hectic, you always had too much on your plate, and those youthful days of dreaming have long passed.

But that’s just what they say.

And it’s those moments where you’re sitting in a coffee shop, reading a book as the people on the streets outside go about their day, when the endless loneliness of your late-twenties, a time when you used to think by now you’d know what future you wanted to head towards and you should have life figured out and the path paved, hit you the hardest.  

You weren’t expecting anything in particular to happen today, but life in actuality is full of surprises.

“Y/N?”

The sound of his voice cuts through the background noise that you have consciously blocked out so you could enjoy the book gripped between your two hands, and you initially think you are just hearing things because the rhythm of the musical noise and the tone of the words escaping that person’s lips is so familiar it makes you actually believe you’re in a dream because the last time you heard that voice echo those exact syllables was ten years ago. But at this point, you have nothing to lose, so you look up from the words on the page just to make sure.

And it’s that defining moment in every cliché movie, the one where the main characters see each other for the first time in years, and they share this tumultuous past that the audience exists just to hear about.

Ok, maybe not that dramatic, but close enough.

And he looks just as good as the first time you set your eyes on him. He’s dressed differently though, draped in attire that makes him look more mature. His jawline is even more chiseled than you last remembered, raised eyebrows giving away the fatigue of age enhanced by the subtle wrinkling of his forehead. But his eyes…his eyes have not changed, even though they are looking at you in the most astonished way possible.

His hot cup of coffee is still gripped in his hand, and you can almost see it tremble slightly as you watch his Adam’s apple bob up and down, swallowing and averting his eyes, most likely regretting calling out your name.

“H-Hoseok?” You manage to mutter just before he is able to utter an apology for disturbing you and running off.

  …

It was your first day of school. Scratch that. First day at your new school. You were already in your junior year of high school, when your dad decided to switch jobs and move your whole family to a new town, ripping you away from everything you knew: the close knit group of friends that you had been with for years, the relationships you had already begun to build with your teachers (for the purpose of getting good letters of recommendation for college), and the dreams you had worked towards reaching in tennis.

A small town up north with no indoor tennis courts.

How the fuck are you supposed to play in the winter? Junior year is when coaches recruit players for college, and every tennis player knows even a day without practice could negatively effect your game. It was absolutely vital that you got enough court time, something that will soon turn into an impossible feat. 

“Just focus on your studies from now on. There’s no use playing in college anyways.” Was what your dad had said to you, after you had dreamed of becoming a professional tennis player since you were 10, but soon realized being a professional athlete was not in the cards for you, not in this universe at least. Hence, at 15, you decided to change your plans and play in college instead; thinking at least you could get into a top school on a full scholarship that way.

Well, not anymore.

And the fact that the girls’ tennis team at your new school sucked balls (figuratively and probably literally too) made your point even more valid. Who were you even going to practice with? It’s not like the shitty town had a tennis club with experienced coaches or good players for that matter.

But enough of the details.

Point is things weren’t looking too bright for you. At least you managed to make a couple of friends pretty quickly, word got around about you leading the girls team to their first ever championship and also taking over the valedictorian-to-be spot with your perfect grades. Seolhyun, the girl who apparently held that spot before you came along, wasn’t too happy about it judging from the glares she would shoot you whenever you passed by her in the halls. But that’s to be expected right? You were no stranger to cutthroat competition and innate female jealousy, heck, you survived a number of years in the junior league where saying that it was a dog eat dog world was putting it nicely.

Your new group of friends, Jisoo, Jenny, Rose, and Lisa were four of the most popular girls in school, and they were pretty adamant about inviting you to be a part of their clique (something about anyone who could get Seolhyun jealous was worthy of joining them). And yeah, schools in small towns are cliquey, which you found out pretty early on. You didn’t want to join them at first, being the type to stray away from rumors and avoid high school drama like the plague, but you figured sitting with them at their “popular” lunch table was better than eating alone in the corner for the next two years.

“What’d you get?” Lisa voices, nodding to Rose, who was scrutinizing her test paper that the teacher had handed back last class.

“87” Rose huffs. “I was this close to an A” She says, rolling her eyes and folding the paper and tucking it away in her backpack.

“Still pretty good” Jisoo shrugs.

“Y/N, what did you get?” Jenny queries, turning towards you.

You look down at the perfectly preserved paper in your hands, not a single red mark to be found. No surprise, in fact you’d be disappointed in yourself if there were.

“100” Lisa voices, peeking over at your test.

…

All was going well in your new school. You were on your way to making it through the last two years of high school with virtually with no more bumps in the road… or so you naively thought.

It was everything about the way he carried himself, the way he dressed, the way he interacted with his friends and other students whom he clearly held an air of superiority towards that screamed stay away, especially for a star student like you. You needed to focus on getting into your dream school, now that tennis wasn’t a valid option any longer; a perfect SAT score combined with a commendable GPA was the ticket to getting where you were supposed to go.

No slip ups. And absolutely no distractions.

He was someone you definitely didn’t want to get involved with, and you knew that. You fucking knew it like the back of you hand, and it wasn’t a source of alarm, not at first, not at all, and certainly not obvious in the least. Something as impossible as falling for him was never a worry, never an imminent concern, and didn’t even show up on your radar until he called your name for the first time.

Being the No. 1 singles player on the girl’s team and winning the seasonal championship for your school last fall season (which would not have been possible had you not joined the team despite their crappy record), it wasn’t a surprise that the coach of the boys tennis team asked if you wanted to help out in the spring as a student assistant coach. Especially since the boy’s coach was a close friend of your fathers. They had played on the same team back during their university days, and he had helped you train last summer, so it was only natural that you would repay the favor. They were short on hands anyways.

Spring was boys tennis season. And today was the first day of practice and of course it would be raining outside in a town with, you repeat, no indoor tennis courts, meaning that there was no way you could play outside on the actual courts in risk of slipping and sustaining an injury that would have you out all season. The coach had decided to just have the team gather in the gym where he could go over logistics.

Everything was moving along smoothly until you decided to walk past the area where everyone was playing around to get to you phone, which you somehow accidentally left in your backpack. Very unlike you. And thinking back, it was perhaps because of your unlucky fate that it just so happened to be today that you would make your biggest mistake in high school…or so you thought at the time.

“Y/N, watch out!” You hear someone shout as you watch a fluffy yellow tennis ball zoom past your eyes. If you were a single step further along your walk to your backpack, you would’ve been hit smack in the face, earning you a bruised eye and who knows how many comments the next day.

You turn to see where the ball came from, only to have your eyes land on a boy wearing a backwards cap, decked out in Nike tennis apparel, and sporting a cheeky grin as he waited for you to turn and face him.

“Careful there” He says with a wink as you continue to stare, wondering how he knew your name when you didn’t have a clue who he was.

The flutter in your chest that the 17 year old you had not experienced in the past caught you by surprise as your eyes met his in that infinitesimal second that felt like a fleeting eternity. It snuck up on the you who was foolishly defenseless and unassuming, and it converted a seemingly harmless and deceptively casual encounter into a serendipitous moment you would look back on and remember for years to come.

…

A few days later, you see him again. And you start to wonder why you had never seen him around before. It was like after the day you became aware of his existence, there was no way to ignore the fact that he went to your school and he was, no matter how much you tried to ignore the thought, “pretty cute” as described by your 17 year old self. In your defense, finding a human being of the opposite sex attractive was not something out of the ordinary. But it was completely new to you because before this, you had never considered any of the guys in high school to be even remotely datable, based on your standards, which everyone you had discussed the matter with voiced that they were too high.

But to each their own, you would argue.

He was wearing his cap backwards again, a signature of his you assumed, a style that conveniently revealed his smooth forehead and even smoother facial skin. Wow, he didn’t even have pimples. But he did have this douche-y smirk plastered on his face as he spoke with his guy friends. One of which looked like some emo dude who didn’t give fuck and another who was tall which you recognized from literature class because he was always the first to raise his hand to answer questions. The entire scene was somehow attractive to you, and you knew from then, you were doomed.

“Who’s that?” You asked while eating lunch with your group of friends.

Jennie turns her head in the direction that you were looking. “Oh, you mean Jung Hoseok?”

“Hoseok?” You repeat, feeling the syllables roll off your tongue like you had finally found what you had been looking for, as if you were finally getting a taste of water after a long period of perpetual thirst.

“Yeah, he’s No. 1 on the boys team. He’s held that spot since freshman year, a real player. Figuratively and Literally.” Jennie says.

“What do you mean?” You inquire, finally dragging your gaze away from the magnetic source it was being drawn towards to turn to the girls, who were all looking at you now.

“Y/N, don’t tell me you’ve never seem him making out with a different girl every week.” Rosie replies. “He takes PDA to the next level. ”

You raise an eyebrow, grabbing another glance at the expensively dressed boy who was still busy talking to his group of guy friends.

“He may not look it, but-“ Rosie

“May not look it?” Jisoo cuts her off mid-sentence. “Have you seen the way he dresses? That button up shirt and slacks scream douche bag. Nobody dresses that nicely for school unless they were trying to impress people.”

“Preppy and rich. He’s a tennis player, what do you expect?” Lisa shrugs.

“I’m a tennis player” You defend, instincts kicking back in and siding against stereotypes against all tennis players in the world.

“We know, but you’re different” Jennie says, patting you on the shoulder. 

“Yeah, Hoseok just does it to get girls” Jisoo explains. “When was the last time he’s been in an actual relationship?”

“Ha, like never” Rose scoffs.

“Isn’t he with Seolhyun?” Lisa asks.

“They’re just playing around, last I heard” Jenny says. “Saw them making out in the hall by the band room this morning. Made me want to gag and tell them to get a room instead of trying to make everyone want to gauge their eyes out.”

…

Spring rain was finally letting up which entailed the beginning of actual practice. And yeah, you would think that after everything your friends warned you about, you would do everything you could to stay away from this Hoseok guy, but that wasn’t really plausible, now was it? You, being the student assistant coach for the boys’ tennis team, and Hoseok, being the No. 1 singles player.

You don’t want to sound like a broken record, but you were powerlessly and undeniably fucking doomed.

On day 1 of practice, the coach decided to make everyone play a game as warm up. One in which two teams of 3-4 people line up on opposite sides of the court, playing with only one shared racquet. A person was to hit the ball and then pass the racquet to the next person in line. First team to mess up loses.

You stand behind Hoseok as he hits a forehand and turns to hand you the racquet. There was nothing unusual about the interaction, nothing particularly noteworthy about the motion, and no big deal, that is until he decided to make it one with a very immature comment.

Hoseok takes a step closer to you. “Was I too rough?” You look up at him, swallowing the saliva that had built up in your mouth because of how close his body was to yours. You could practically feel the heat radiating from his chest, which is well worth to point out, was bare, as all the boys had conveniently removed their shirts because it was, quote unquote “too hot”, while you were still wrapped in your hoodie being the type to get cold easily. “Sorry, I’ll be more gentle next time” He winks and runs back in line. The boys behind you burst out in laughter.

Very mature.

“Y/N, why don’t you and Hoseok go play a match on court 1” You hear your coach shout over from the next court over. “Our first meet is this Saturday, and I want you to make sure he’s ready. 

No choice. You had no choice but to do as you were told.

But what you did have control over was showing Hoseok that playing with him was completely against your own will, despite that tiny bit of excitement churning in the pit of your stomach that you were choosing to ignore so you could put on a bitch face and show him you were not going to fall for his antics. 

“Go easy on me ok?” He says after you guys decide who was to serve first.

“As if” You scoff, grabbing the newly opened can of balls away from him and walk to the baseline to begin.

“Yeah, beat him Y/N” Taehyung shouts from the other side of the fence separating back-to-back courts. Taehyung and Jimin were doubles players, partners for life on and off court. They were safe to say, your favorites on the team so far.

Hoseok smirks as he watches you get in the zone, ready to kick his ass, in which 45 minutes later, you do.

“Game, set, match” You shout as you hit a winner straight off his serve.

Hoseok sighs and walks towards the net smiling to shake your hand. You can’t help but notice how large his hand is compared to yours, and how long and slender his fingers are. His grip is firm and when you were about to pull away, he holds his grip a millisecond longer, just enough to notice but not enough to suspect he had mischievous intentions or ulterior motives, if you will.

“Good match” He says, still smiling at you, and for a moment the thought that his smile is seemingly brighter than the sun crossed your mind, but it’s gone the instant you hear the other boys whistling and cheering.

Again. Very mature.

…

The next time you see him, he’s with his friends again. And you were just by yourself, minding your own business while walking to your next class, when you just so happen to run into him with his posse. They sure looked like they were having a good time, joking around and laughing in the hallway. And you think you can get by unnoticed, like Hoseok wouldn’t see you, or at least he’d pretend he didn’t know you while he was with his friends. But no, apparently that’s not how things work in this world.

“Y/N” You hear the familiar voice call just as you were about to make your getaway.

Looking up, you see that annoyingly friendly smile again. One that for some damn reason doesn’t look as douchey when it’s directed towards you, and it dangerously makes you forget the player that he is (in the non-tennis-wise sense), the warning that is written in his preppy attire and jock-like attitude.

“H-hey” You manage to reply but immediately regret as your shaking voice escapes your lips. What the fuck happened to the confident side of you that kicked his ass in tennis the other day?

Hoseok chuckles. “See you at practice” He waves and is off before you can turn your head and watch him walk off with his friends.

At least you didn’t have any classes with him, but there was no way to hide anything from your friends, especially with how fast the latest gossip flew around at your school.

“So what’s up with you and Hoseok?” Jisoo asks as she sits down next to you at the coveted “popular” lunch table.

“Me? Hoseok? Nothing” You say, almost a tad bit hysterically. How the fuck does she know? You sure as hell didn’t tell any of them you were helping coach the boys’ team.

“Namjoon told Jennie that Hoseok’s been talking about you lately” Jisoo continues.

“I heard my name” Jennie says as she walks up to the table, lunch tray in hand.

“We were talking about Hoseok” Jisoo explains. “Y/N, we warned you about him, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. And there’s nothing going on. I beat him in tennis a few days ago. He’s probably just bitter about it.” You shrug, hoping they would just let it go because talking about him made it worse. You didn’t even want to think about him, or be reminded of the way talking about him made you giddy and want to think about him more. Fuck.

“That’s not the story I heard” Jennie raises her eyebrow.

“Story?” Lisa says, rushing over to the table and almost spilling the contents of her tray all over the floor. “I want to hear a story!”

“It’s about Hoseok” Jennie takes a moment to inform Lisa. She then turns back to you. “Namjoon said Hoseok recently cut ties with Seolhyun.”

Rose, Lisa, and Jisoo all gasp at once.

“…and that has to do with me because….” You trail off, praying that you sound skeptical and nonchalant.

“According to what I was told, shit went down like this.” Jennie, puts both of her elbows on the table and takes a deep breathe. “Seolhyun thought she had Hoseok in the palm of her hands. Aka, she assumed they were together. Officially. Which we all know doesn’t apply to Hoseok, but I guess little miss former-almost valedictorian and prom queen thought she was good enough to tie him down. She had told everyone that they were dating. But then just the other day, Hoseok suddenly decided to walk up to Seolhyun to confront her about it, after not caring about the matter for weeks. ” Jennie crosses her arms. “And Hoseok said, quote ‘were we ever a thing?’”.

Jisoo gasps. “He said that to her after every one in the school has already seen them making out in the halls and assumed they were together? Unbelievable.”

“Seolhyun cried didn’t she?” Lisa says with a bored expression. Jennie nods, a fake sympathy conveyed by her sad pout.

“But what does that have to do with me?” You cut in, failing to see your own involvement in this type of high school drama that you swore you never wanted to be a part of.

“It’s simple. It just means he found his next target.” Rose answers.

“And it’s you.” Jennie adds.

…

Normally you wouldn’t get up early on Saturday mornings, but the SAT was in a month, and you had a mock test to complete. You tried not letting your mind wander off as you stared at the long, and might you add, dull paragraph in the critical reading section that was displayed in front of you. It wasn’t a big deal. You had been taking these so-called practiced tests every Saturday for a year now, and luckily have seen steady improvement. It was unlike you to be distracted while reading, especially not to the point where you had to go back and re-read the same section because you weren’t paying attention the first time you skimmed through. This was very alarming. And as much as you tried not to think about “other” things, for the first time in your high school career that just didn’t seem possible no matter how hard you tried.

“It was an unusually difficult section,” You explain as you watch your dad check your answers, only to shake his head every time he marked one wrong.

“And what happens if you get unlucky and face an unusually difficult test?” He asks, looking up at you sternly past his reading glasses.

“I’ll put in extra preparation this month” You assure him, and let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding as he nods, satisfied with your discipline. 

The boys were playing against their first school this afternoon, and coach was expecting you to go and “cheer them on”. The underlying meaning of it being, review their match playing strategy and figure out what they still needed to work on. Oh, and might you also add that he specifically requested you to “examine” Hoseok’s match because cause quote “the No. 1 singles player is the person who carries the entire team.” 

Again, no choice. But that didn’t change the fact that Hoseok’s match was probably the most exciting to watch because although you had beaten him, he was still the best on the team, and for someone who grew up in a small town with no access to indoor tennis courts, meaning he could only play for half of the year, he was pretty darn good.

You cheer for him, clapping every time he won a point, classic etiquette in tennis, but even if it wasn’t, that burst of a shout after he hit a backhand down the line was not controllable, and you felt your cheeks flush when you realized how loud you were, only emphasized when Hoseok spotted you in the crowd and smirked.

He wins. 6-2 6-3. Easy.

“Can I have your number?” Hoseok asks as he walks towards you and sit down next to you in the grass. You had moved over to check out the other matches going on, trying to avoid him, but again, things just don’t work out the way you want…or do they, because deep down you secretly wanted him to come over and talk to you.

Sure. “No” You force yourself to say.

Hoseok shrugs. “Coach gave it to me already. Told me to hit you up for extra practice this season.”

That motherfu-

“Then why did you even bother to ask? And is he even allowed to do that?” You make an offended face.

“Didn’t want it to feel like you were forced against your will, but it seems that it is.” It was the first time you saw the look of disappointment on his face, but you knew, you fucking knew this was all part of his plan to get you to feel sympathetic. It was just another trick in his bag of goodies.

“You don’t say?” You retort.

“It’s ok if you don’t want to. I just tell coach we’re both too busy with school.” He turns and stares at the courts distantly, and you almost feel guilty about being so cold to him. If you really thought about it, he’s never done anything to you, per se, you’ve just been heavily influenced by third party sources, and it’s unfair to assume based on rumors. Or you were too weak to control your inner desires. Fuck.

“I’ll do it,” You say after a sigh.

“Wait, what?” Hoseok turns and looks at you confused.

“I’ll practice with you” You say, turning to face him, and you think you’re imagining the way his eyes sparkle a little as he registers your words, the way a little twitch of his upturned lip gives away the delight he was trying to contain, and for a momentary pause in time you let yourself return his smile.

…

So you were right about coach screwing you over when he gave your number to Hoseok, because the first time you spoke with him alone, like actually alone, for a good three hours after practicing with him one-on-one, you fell for him… not that your weren’t already slowly slipping into said black hole before that.

And for some unknown reason, you led yourself to believe he wasn’t what everyone made him out to be. And no matter how many times you told yourself you were being a blind idiot, his full body laugh and suggestive smiles tore down whatever barrier you were trying to build between him and your dumb ass.

“You totally could’ve gone pro,” He says as he takes a sip of water from his bottle.

“I didn’t have what it took, mentally or physically.” You say, staring out at the empty park you guys were practicing by.

“Ok, I get the physical part.” He eyes you up and down, while you glance over and scowl at him. “You’re pretty small.”

“Gee, thanks” You mutter.

“What’s the average height for a female professional tennis player? 5’9? 175cm?” He looks at the sky; fluffy clouds drifting over to momentarily cover the sun.

“Yeah” You respond. “Can we not talk about me being short?”

Hoseok chuckles, his perfect smile making another appearance. “Sorry.” He sighs. “So what about the mental part?”

“I’m bad at dealing with my nerves. I choke.” You reply. It was true. Choking during a match is when a player gets so nervous, their legs feel like marshmallows and they can’t perform nearly as well as they should be able to. It’s when you muscles tense up and you make a ton of mistakes you normally shouldn’t, and lose to people you know you’re supposed to beat.

“Hey, we all do that” Hoseok says. “Getting nervous just means you really want to win, and it’s a necessary motivator.”

“Not when it’s an extreme case of the nerves,” You correct, turning towards him. “But whatever, it’s in the past. Tennis isn’t really my thing anymore.”

There’s a short pause and it’s in no way awkward or uncomfortable.

“But you’re still really good. Like really good. I can only imagine how good you were when you really trained intensely. ” He smiles. And you can’t refuse the warmth that spreads through your chest at his comment. It’s been a long time since you’ve heard such kind words about your tennis skills. Not just kind, but sincere words from someone who really understood why you had to give up your dream, a person who knows you’re still amazing even though you didn’t make it, an earnest appreciation for the hard work you put in for so many years. 

You don’t know if that conversation is what led to the events that came after. Namely Hoseok asking you out on a real date and you somehow (or rather predictability at this point) agreeing, him driving you around town and chatting with him while sitting in the passenger seat like some country song, secret flirty glances during all subsequent practices which you thought no one noticed, and even studying together on weekends at the coffee shop by your house.

Snowball effect. That’s what it was. 

You also blame the raging teen hormones.

And on top of that, the infamous “first love”, the one that everyone talks about because it’s exhilarating and unforgettable and unapologetically so. Feelings you never even imagined existed were constantly churning in the pit of your stomach, and even though you knew it was precarious, having been warned of the risk you were taking with someone like him beforehand, you didn’t care. Not when Hoseok held your hand as if he would never let it go, not when he locked his lips with yours as if you were his last love, and certainly not when day in and day out the thought of him was what made you happier than you’ve ever been.

“You’re No. 1 in our class?” He asks, flipping through your test papers all marked with perfect scores.

“Honestly, high school is not that hard” You shrug.

Hoseok’s mouth hangs open in awe. “Teach me your ways,” He says, making a motion to get on his knees and bow down to you.

“Pls” You roll your eyes before laughing.

“You probably get this a lot, but how are you so perfect?” He comments, gazing into your eyes in a way that makes you swallow nervously and your heart pound like crazy.

…

“Just friends?” Jennie huffs, crossing her arms and shaking her head. You had confronted her after the rumors of you and Hoseok dating spread like wildfire.

Not surprising at all.

“Hoseok doesn’t date remember?” You lie, knowing perfectly well that you and Hoseok were most definitely not “just friends”. Especially not when you were planning on having him meet your parents next weekend. Yeah, meeting your parents. The same parents who specifically stated they didn’t want you to date in high school and especially not in the all-important year you were applying to college. But it was getting hard lying to them about where you were going on Friday nights and Saturday afternoons, and it was impossible to explain why someone was now driving you home after tennis practice so you don’t have to take the bus for an hour every day.

“Which is why you need to cut ties with him!” Rose jumps in before Jennie could say anything.

“I think I can handle it guys” You say, trying to quell the annoyance that was building up. You were beginning to hate the way they spoke about Hoseok, about how he’s this douche bag who plays with girls’ hearts, when in reality he’s nothing like that and everyone had just been blinded by nasty rumors.

Of course, it was everyone else who was blind and not you.

“We just don’t want to see you get hurt,” Jennie says, reaching over and caressing your arm when she noticed you were getting a little worked up.

Thinking back, you probably should’ve taken her warning more seriously. But then again, maybe it was good that you didn’t.

It was safe to say that your parents did not like Hoseok. Did not like as in, they’re going to make it blatantly obvious that they disapproved of him more than you failing a test, and that said a lot.

“I’d advise the both of you to stop this nonsense and focus on school.” Your dad had said the moment Hoseok sat down at the dinner table.

“I’m sorry?” Hoseok says, confused as to why a supposed introductory dinner was starting out on such hostile footing.

“Hoseok, was it?” Your dad continues, ignoring the alarmed looks from you. “I heard you play tennis. How are you grades? Do you plan on entering an elite university?”

Hoseok clears his throat. “My grades are average. They’re not stellar, so I’m planning on attending a middle tier school.” He answers, and you can sense the tension in the room, like it was this puff of smoke that was clogging your lungs.

Your dad chuckles. “You are aware of my daughter’s standards, right?”

“I-“ Hoseok begins but is cut off.

“I don’t know how you found the audacity to approach her with your” Pause. “average skills.” He says.

“Dad!” You shout, not being able to believe he was saying this.

Hoseok was containing himself well, you had to give him props for that because god knows how irritated and downright embarrassed he must feel on the inside. And your dad just wouldn’t stop, no matter how much you nudged his leg under the table, the attacking comments just kept coming. 

“Please excuse me” Hoseok says when he finally couldn’t stand the attacks from your dad any longer. He storms out of the house, holding back from starting a real fight because that would’ve led to an even bigger disaster.

You follow after him, but he’s already pulling out his car keys.

“Hoseok!” You shout. “Wait” You grab onto his arm, and he turns around to look at you tenderly. Anger evaporating from his previously tensed expression.

“I’ll call you tomorrow, ok” He says with a weary smile before getting in his car and driving off.

And you think you’re dreaming and the events that went down did not just happen, but you’re tackled by the reality that is a nightmare the moment you walk back in your house. Your dad had left the table, and it was just your mom, cleaning up the untouched food in eerie silence.

“You’re wasting your time with him.” She said, as you willed yourself to hold back the tears that were nipping at your eyes.

“But mom, I can handle school and-“

“I’m not talking about what your father was saying” She interrupts. “I’m purely considering the fact that young love rarely lasts, and he doesn’t look like the kind of person who will stay with you through the storm.”

“How would you know!” You almost shout back, it was the first time you had the audacity to speak to your mom in this way, but the fact that she just labeled Hoseok after knowing him for one dinner made you livid.

“Well, are you the first girl he’s been with?” She asks, voice revealing that she already knew the answer.

No. “I don’t know” You lie. You knew you weren’t.

“Do you believe he will stay faithful to you when you both go off to college?”

I don’t know. “Yes” You murmur, genuinely unsure, so that was technically only half a lie.  

“Honey” She says. “You’re still young, you’ll meet plenty of great people in the future. ”

And you would’ve made an even bigger mistake if you had took her word on that, because we all know the heart will not follow any sort of logic, and fate is not something anyone can decide.

… 

…

“It’s been a while. How have you been?” You say as you watch the familiar, yet unfamiliar figure, pull out a chair and seat himself in front of you.

“10 years. I’ve been decent. Could be worse.” He chuckles. “You?”

“I’m good.” You answer.

“Classic easy way out answer” He grins, and you can still see remnants of the sun in his smiling face, although the fuel that the burning flames had run on had been sucked dry lately.

You find out that he recently found a job in the city, after being unemployed for over 6 months when the marketing company he worked for went bankrupt. It sounded like quite the struggle, but everyone was struggling in today’s economy.

“I got my PhD two years ago, and I’m still a postdoc in my current lab” You explain, trying to sound casual, and summarizing the last 10 years in once succinct sentence. It felt strange knowing the person sitting across from you was once the closest person to you outside of family but now exiled to that awkward place between acquaintance and old friend.

You watch as he nods his head slowly, soaking in the circumstances and most likely feeling the same kind of nostalgic awkwardness that you were. He sighs and takes a cautious sip of his coffee in effort to postpone having to take the lead in this unexpected meeting of sorts.

“Going down the academic professor route?” He queries, raising an eyebrow and curving his lips upward in attempt to lighten the mood like old times.

You chuckle a little. “Honestly, I’m not too sure. I’ve never embraced the thought of being a college professor. Writing proposals all the time for funding and having to be responsible for students who have paid a ton of money for good education.” 

“Ah, right, you’re not too good with pressure.” He nods, understandingly.

And you’re surprised he still remembers.

The Jung Hoseok who you have not spoken to in over 10 years still remembers the first real conversation he had with you that day on the tennis court in the empty park in that small town. That defining moment which lead your two paths to cross, one in which you revealed more of yourself than you had initially intended.  

“How do you like the city?” You ask looking into his eyes that still remind you of so many things you’ve chosen to forget.

“It’s beautiful and exciting. There’s so much to do and it’s so different from the small towns I’m used to.” His eyes glance over at the scenery outside the window, the tall skyscrapers blocking a view that would otherwise go on for miles. “So far I’m liking it, but I don’t know if I’ll be feeling the same after living here long-term.”

“Yeah, it can get hectic. And public transportation is frustrating, especially if you have a long commute to work like me.” You voice, thinking of all the times you cursed at rush hour traffic and the one late night you took the subway after midnight and waited two hours for the train that took it’s sweet ass time.

Small talk.

You weren’t particularly good at it, and it always made you conscious of how awkward you are as a social creature, but you subtly wanted Hoseok to keep you company for as long as possible. Because he’s the one person from your past that you, admittedly, haven’t forgotten despite your not so strong attempts to do so.

It works. For a good hour or so before he finishes his coffee and tells you he needs to head out. You smile and nod, and tell him that it was good to see him, a pleasant encounter that could only be described at fate hard at work again, but you try and not think about it that way because it sounds stupid. Because you don’t know what he’s thinking or if you’ll ever get answers to why things happened the way they did, whether it was for better or worse. You also don’t know if you’ll ever see him again by chance, or if this is actually your last chance to do something. Anything. So thank god you ran out of that coffee shop, summing up every last ounce of courage you had and took matters into your own hands. Closing the distance between two parallel lines with your own strength instead of letting such a destined opportunity pass.

“Hoseok, wait” You call after him, rushing to stop him from not only physically leaving, but leaving the one thing that had been left unresolved for so many years.

He turns, staring perplexedly at your frenzied state.

“I just have one more question.” You say, trying to catch your breath. You bite your bottom lip, maybe it was a mistake to ask, but it’s been long enough right? 

“Why did you do it?” You finally manage to blurt out.

The expression that crossed his face is unreadable. It was a mixture of acceptance, a calmness that almost seemed indifferent and detached, and lingering regret, a pain from an old would that doesn’t go away because a part of your nerves have been scarred. That feeling of being powerless over the things you can’t control, like not being tall enough to be a professional athlete, not being able to see the uncertain future but trying to shape the un-shapeable anyways, or just simple making mistakes because you were young.

…

…

Dating in secret. Or at least that’s what it felt like. It was obvious that no one accepted your relationship. Not your friends and certainly not your parents.

What made it even worse was that this mess you were in, hindered your test performance. You had to re-take the SAT, a fact that made your father very, very unhappy. But for once in your finely tuned life, you didn’t fucking care that your world was gradually crashing down. So what if you didn’t get into your “dream school”? Did that define you as a person? Did that mean you were a failure for life?

You had heard of countless stories where success was not determined by test scores, grades, or what college a person attended. Besides, both Bill Gates and Steve Jobs were drop outs, and look how successful they became. 

It was a new kind of mindset you adopted. One in which compelled you to sneak out to bars with Hoseok at night, get drunk while underage, make love in public places while hidden under the guise of moonlit nights. And it was exhilarating, the way young love, first love, is supposed to be.

Hearing the sound of pebbles hitting your window, you already know who it is. You had been waiting for him, pretending to be asleep when you had told your parents goodnight and rushed up to your bedroom with a stomach full of anticipation. Kicking off your blankets you practically sprint to your window, opening it to the fresh breeze that kisses your face. 

“Ready?” You hear a voice shout lightly from below. You nod, enthusiastically, the same reaction you give him every time he sneaks you out to the bar late at night.

“Where are we going?” You breathe after getting into his car and realizing he’s not taking you the usual route.

“Somewhere I’ve wanted to take you for a while now” He replies, eyes focused on the road and mouth curved upwards in a warm smile. Your eyes trace along the curves of his silhouette, the contours of his figure outlined by the moon and etched in your memory. The way he controls the steering wheel with one arm and rests his other hand gently on your thigh is something you should’ve gotten used to by now, but the way his arm veins bulge with every small movement and the way his fingers dance on your skin never fails to ignite a flame in you.  

Hoseok takes you to an open field, doesn’t sound too appealing at first, but it’s not just any field, it’s a meadow, a field of flowers. And although you can’t see much at night, he insists that the glow of the moon and stars will be enough to see all that you think may be cloaked in darkness.

And he’s right. Or maybe you’re just caught up in the moment because you think you can see fluttering shapes when the wind brushes by, petals dancing in the air, their outline only visible because of the marginally lighter night sky, and the occasional sparkle of fireflies lighting up the black canvas.

He leads you over to a soft patch of grass under a tree, and the you who is normally terrified of the dark, especially in such a remote location feels fearless right then because Jung Hoseok could be leading you to the end of the world and you would gladly follow, no further questions asked. And your young mind chooses to believe that he was all you needed, because the warmth from his hands and the tenderness of his caress makes you wonder how you ever lived without his presence, something that seemed to feel just as important as the fundamental necessities that provided you with life.

When you sit down next to him and lean against his ever so familiar body, he wraps am arm around your shoulder, securing you in his embrace. He looks at you with an endearing gaze, lifting his other arm and tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear.

“You know I was warned to stay away from you right?” You voice, waiting to see how Hoseok would react to your not-so surprising revelation.

“Yeah, which is why I was shocked you agreed to go out with me.” He closes his eyes and takes a deep, sedative breath. “But would you believe me if I told you that you were my first.”

“So you lied about not being a virgin?” You raise an eyebrow, invisible in the dark but laced in your voice.

Hoseok laughs lightly. “No, not first in that sense.” He clears his throat, taking the time to organize his thoughts; running through his next words in his mind before letting them slip past his lips. “The first girl that made me stop thinking about other girls…the only person that makes me want to better myself…oh god, I suck at this.” He sighs, blushing in embarrassment.

You giggle, reaching an arm up to touch his face, cupping his cheek in your hand.

“Don’t worry, I get it,” You say with a smile, head still rested against his firm, comforting chest.

Hoseok was someone who made you want to choose love over bread because for a fleeting moment in time, you wholeheartedly believed it didn’t matter how shitty everything else in the world was, as long as he was with you, you could create a happiness.

“Hoseok?” You murmur after a long period of silent gazing at the nocturnal landscape.

“Hmm?” He hums, shifting slightly to look at you, who by now has raised your head to gaze at him.

“What do you think will happen to us?” 

He sighs gently. “I wish I knew.” He whispers.

“We can go to the same college.” You suggest, a statement that causes him to fall silent.

“Y/N” Hoseok voices, and it’s hard to identify the emotion entangled in his voice. It’s almost stern, but also weary at the same time. “I could never get into those schools that you’re applying to.” He huffs a silent chuckle.

“That’s ok, I’ll just apply to the schools you’re applying to” You say, almost cheerfully, like you were choosing to ignore how naïve your declaration sounded.

He removes his arm from your shoulder and sits up to look at you, placing his hands on your cheeks and rubbing the soft flesh with his thumb, like he was wiping nonexistent tears from your face.

“No, you’re not going to make sacrifices for me.” He says, still staring into your eyes. “You’re going to get into your dream school, and you’re going to be the successful women you were destined to be.” He smiles faintly. “You’ll fly high in your life, and know that I’ll be cheering you on.”

…

It was no miracle that you did get the acceptance letter from your dream school. Apparently not being able to test well under pressure was exactly what was holding you back from achieving the coveted perfect score on the SAT. And it was all thanks to Hoseok that you were able to rid yourself of that hindrance. It wasn’t just the fact that he changed you in a fundamental way, but he had also continued to help you cope with pressure and the expectation that you had been held up to all your life.

As you had voiced before, high school classes weren’t that hard so your GPA did not suffer at all, even though you were spending half of your free time going on dates with Hoseok, living freely without care despite the weight that continued to rest on your shoulders. It seemed like a win-win, and maybe now your parents would at least attempt to accept him. And you think you’ve finally figured everything out, that everything was now, truly falling into place.

You think. But when have you’re thoughts actually reflected reality correctly?

And then you learn that when your world actually comes crashing down, it doesn’t happen slowly. You can’t see everything falling one by one, the tiles sliding down the walls of your reality giving you time to make a run for it at least. But no, crashing worlds are not that nice to the living, it’s not gradual, it just flashes by, demolished in one single swoop.

It happens when you’re walking down the familiar halls of the school you almost grew to feel comfortable in. The band hall in particular. The one where the Hoseok you knew, diverted from the Hoseok everyone else at the school knew…or so you thought.

“Turn away” You hear Jennie shout before pushing you to face the other direction.

“Why-“ You begin to ask but are cut off by a gasp from Rose and Jisoo.

“Oh no…” Lisa murmurs. 

“Guys, what’s happening?” You question, trying to turn to see but the four of them are intentionally blocking your view.

And then you see it.

“You fucking asshole!” You shout down the hall at the two people making out like they were putting a show on for the world.

The girl turns around; face shocked with fear and quickly runs off as you stomp up to none other than Jung fucking Hoseok.

“What the fuck are you doing?” You ask through gritted teeth, you were feeling slightly dizzy, partially hoping that maybe, just maybe, this was all a nightmare you would soon wake up from. But it clearly wasn’t, because Hoseok’s grip on your arm is tight enough to cause you to lose circulation as he drags you outside. You attempt to rip your arm away, but he’s too strong.

“Stop making a commotion” He says, almost calmly, like he had all of this planned or some shit.

“EXPLAIN.” You order. “And if you’re going to come up with shitty excuse laced lies, I’m leaving” You spit, crossing your arms and staring him down with a piercing gaze.

And that motherfucker has the nerve, the audacity, to fucking smirk.

“I’m not going to sugar coat any of this. It is exactly what you saw.” Hoseok says nonchalantly. He places his arms on his hips and turns his head to direct his attention to the grass blowing in the field like he didn’t just slap you in the face. “You’re better off without an asshole like me.” He sighs.  

“Stop acting like this is a fucking Korean drama Hoseok!” You scream, tearing rushing down your face hot and angry. “You’re not doing anyone favors here. Hoseok, please…” You reach out and grab his arm, desperately, thinking that maybe he’ll snap out of whatever trance he was in. The robotic look in his eyes was scary and you don’t know why, what, how…there were just too many questions.

“I’m not playing around!” He says, finally letting the anger he was containing make its way to his voice. “Look at you, and me, we- we’re a fucking joke. And I know you’ve known the kind of person I am, don’t fucking pretend you actually believed I was someone different.” He huffs a laugh and it’s almost hysterical. “Y/N, look, I can spit out some fake apology right now, but I’m sure that’s not what you want to hear. Let’s just quietly go our separate ways. Good luck in college.” And that’s the last thing you hear from him as your heart clenches in your chest, limbs going numb, and ears ringing.

You stare as he tears his detached gaze from your puffy eyes, and you almost believe you’re hallucinating when you see the slight falter in his indifferent, heartless verging on cruel, expression. Because his eyelids droop a little, and his bottom lip quivers in a way that makes you want to hug him and tell him you know why he’s doing this and he doesn’t fucking have to, and let’s just forget all this shit happened and pretend we’re still strong enough to stay together no matter what the world decides to throw on us. But it’s just a fleeting thought, one that you don’t have the strength to put in action because you know it would be useless, and you don’t trust your instincts 100%, not when he’s ripping his arm from your grip and disappearing back into the school building.  

And he when he thinks you’re not watching anymore, when he assumes he’s out of sight, Hoseok crumbles, shoulders slumping and hand covering his mouth to muffle his hushed sobs.

Tennis season was over. Graduation was approaching, and you never saw him again, not in the halls, not picking you up to go on a date in town, not knocking on your bedroom window at night even though you foolishly, pathetically waited all summer, unwilling to let go of the fictional possibility that he would maybe, just maybe, come back.

He doesn’t.

Not for the next 10 years at least.

…

…

“I didn’t want to get in the way of your dreams” He replies. Simple, yet complicated because it was something you knew but couldn’t put to rest because it was unconfirmed.  

“So you did do it for me” You whisper, finally realizing you weren’t being delusional in thinking he didn’t cheat on you because he didn’t really love you.

“But I guess if I was really trying to be the hero in all this, I shouldn’t have bothered approaching you in the first place, right?” He forces a smile, but you know him well enough, even if it was the him 10 years ago, to understand that he not only hurt you but himself in the process. “And apparently love is more like talent rather than hard work” He chuckles lightly, looking down at the ground. Talent, something you are born with and don’t have a say in deciding how much of it or what kind you have, and hard work, the part of the path to success that you can regulate. It’s the age-old nature vs. nurture battle, and Hoseok was absolutely right. Love is nature, the talent that is gifted by the heavens, written in the stars. “It’s not something you can control.” 

Walking alongside him for the first time in years, your instincts lead you to Central Park, a gracefully designed natural environment with modern and traditional European architectural elements: a castle by the lake, flower gardens, and grassy fields to layout and bask in the sun. The trees that provided shade made you feel like you were finally alone with Hoseok once again, privately relieving a past you found hard to forget.

He doesn’t voice that he’s sorry, knowing that being sorry doesn’t do anything productive and only induces a sense of pity, but also accepting the fact that he made the decision that he did because he truly believed it was for the best at the time. It’s hard when you’re young and faced with an uncertain future and a relentless environment where people are constantly spewing toxic words and hurtful opinions at you. You get frustrated easily, wanting to make the right choices while at the same time, yearning for your own desires. Hoseok doesn’t know if he would change things if given the chance to go back. He doesn’t know if a slightly more mature version of himself would’ve chosen to avoid such catastrophic events, but one thing’s for sure, he loved you with all his heart, even though he was…young.

“So what happens now?” You ask.

“Since I’m here in the city now, if you want, we can meet up anytime” He responds. 

“Are you subtly asking me out?” You smirk.

“I’m a little rusty.” He sighs. “But yes, I am.” He smiles. “That is, if you want. Otherwise, we can pretend none of this happened.”

“I would love to” You respond soothingly, causing a familiar surprised look to spread across his features.

“I am in no way questioning your decision, but I can’t help but wonder why? A beautiful and successful woman like you should have men kissing the ground you walk on.” His eyes are wide and his lips are slightly parted, a reaction that makes your chest tingle with bursts of endearment.

“Because you remind me of a past I cannot go back to.” You voice matter-of-factly.

“Is that good or bad?” He nervously glances at you.

“I don’t have a clue.” You smile with a sigh. “I just know that to this day, I still clutch on to it as if it was what my life depended on. And I don’t have the desire or the will power to let it go.” You finish with a shrug.

At that Hoseok smiles, a beam that is indeed brighter than the sun, one that hits just the right notes, showing up at just the right time, and you know that this is right, that this is without a doubt unequivocally perfect, because it brings back something you had been missing for a long time.

And for now, you’re going to put off worrying about the future like the people around you keep urging you to do, and instead embrace the return of the kind of recklessness that is so often associated with youth because the man walking next to you right now is leading you in the direction in which your heart faces and for now, you don’t want to have it any other way.

…

[aspergersissues]

In need of help/advice

I'm posting this here because it's disability/autism related. I'm in desperate need of help with this. If you can't help in some way, reblogging this to get it to someone who can, that would be awesome. Even just offering me some advice or first hand experience with this would be wonderful. I don't know what to do about this. I screwed up my right hand about ten years ago. Just over seven years ago, I went back to college because I had to quit my career as a musician since my hand wouldn't work anymore and I couldn't continue to play any of my instruments. Once I was in school, I figured out what I wanted to do with my life again. I was going to get my PhD in biology and teach college. I was going to use my aspie super power (talking non-stop about stuff I'm interested in) to teach others about biology- one of my favorite topics. I was turning a weakness into a strength and working toward something that would be good for others, too. I would be contributing to society again, instead of just collecting disability benefits. Everything was going great until I moved to New York to start my graduate degree. The school I moved up here to attend doesn't believe in the ADA and won't honor accommodations. I've actually been told that my requested accommodations would cheapen the value of their degrees. Without accommodations, I can't continue my education. After spending my savings of $10k to move here, I couldn't afford to move again to another college somewhere else. I had to try and stick it out. I fought hard, like the hardest I've ever fought for anything. After three years, I only have 20 credit hours toward my degree and most of them are courses I already took at previous colleges that this one made me retake (which includes Bio 1!!). I have $70,000 in student loans from this college alone. In the spring, I transferred to a local community college (who does follow the ADA) and decided to spend two semesters working on a second AS degree to make myself easier to hire (hopefully). I have no idea where to go next, though, as I just had another career plan yanked away from me. When I went to get loans/grants/etc for the final semester this fall, I found out that I no longer qualify for any. By the time I found out, it was too late to apply for scholarships. I tried, but none came through. I won't get to finish my second degree, now, despite only needing 15 credit hours which I was already signed up for this fall. The lack of courses this fall means my student loan grace period is about to run out. I have to start paying them back. My disability income is only $750 a month, though. Any amount is going to hurt badly. So I need to try to find a job with the degree I have and try to start working again. This comes with its own problem. I am on Medicare/Medicaid. It's VERY important that I have this insurance. My medications that I take are $800 a month without insurance. With my current insurance, they are $5 a month. Also, between all the specialists I see, I have a doctor visit or two every two months. Those currently cost me nothing, but would be $300 a visit for the one I know the costs for if I had no insurance. Two of the medications I take daily have withdrawal symptoms that could kill me if I stopped taking them suddenly. These are also the two most expensive drugs I take. When I start working, I lose my Medicare/Medicaid right away. Because of this, I have to find a job that has good health insurance and I need that coverage to start immediately. I also need to ensure that it's a job I won't lose for any reason. If I do, it takes a year to get back on Medicare and Medicaid. I don't have a good track record with non-music jobs. I either end up at a place that doesn't want to deal with an autistic employee who has to do things just a little bit different (despite doing them the same quality and quantity as everyone else if not better) and I get fired, I get bullied by coworkers or bosses and end up quitting after I can't take it anymore, or the office politics pushes me into a corner I can't get out of leading to one of the other two outcomes. These have happened at almost every job I've ever had outside of music. Sometimes it takes a month. Sometimes it takes a year. It always happens, though. If I start working and it doesn't work out, I could die. If I don't start working and have to continue living on my disability minus student loan payments, I could end up homeless. Each scenario is horrific. Worst of all, after losing two careers, I don't even know what to do with my life, now. It was hard enough to find a second passion that was compatible with my autism and hand problems, but another? I just don't know. I've been having panic attacks almost every day for two months, now. I'm also stuck in a deep, deep depression. I can barely function right now. I'm sure the friends I've managed to spend any time with have noticed I've been super off, lately. I'm spending so much energy not collapsing into the fetal position and sobbing that my more pronounced autistic symptoms are sticking out in ways that they normally don't. My normal lack of a filter on what I say has gone away completely and I have no control at all most of the time. Just... what do I do? Where the fuck do I go from here? I've got a wonderful partner that I love very much and who has supported me through all this, but I just feel like she's losing patience for having to completely support me financially for so long, now. If things fell apart, I don't know if she'd stay with me. God, that's probably my biggest fear. She's everything to me and all I do is for her in a lot of ways. Even if she wouldn't toss me aside, I don't know if I could live with myself being completely dependent on her any longer. I want to contribute to our lives the way she's done for me. How do I stop this awful rollercoaster I'm on? I just want some fucking stability in my life again. I want to know what success feels like, again. And I don't want to be afraid anymore.

[dailyvicturi]

Can you believe there are 4,000 people following us? That’s amazing! We are so thankful for each and every one of you who keep up with Daily Victuri. We would not be here without all of your love and support for our blog. 

That being said, we decided that we wanted to celebrate, and what better way than with our first official fic rec list? Writers are some of the biggest unsung heroes of the YOI fandom, and our love for Victuri writers reaches far and wide. We wanted to use this opportunity to highlight fics from all corners of Victuri fandom, so we reached out to you guys for suggestions and recs. The response was overwhelming! From you guys, we were able to create a list of fifty-five fics. We tried to compile a combination of fandom favorites along with some lesser known (but still wonderful!) ones, and we all hope that this will help you find your next favorite read. 

All fics are being listed below the cut and are sorted into categories based on length. 

xoxo, your Daily Victuri Admins

DRABBLES/UNDER 1K

Have More Faith in Me Than I Do by casinthongs

It's nearly midnight. Tomorrow morning is the day Yuuri has to give his speech in front of the entire class. He's not prepared at all. He can't do it. He can't. He can't.

Fortunately, Viktor thinks differently.

carry on, darling, we were built to last by karasunotsubasa

drabbles, drabbles, and even more drabbles dedicated to fam on ice

Untitled by skatinggays

5+1 Drabble by actualyuuri

1K TO 5K

Wanted: Skating Lessons by slightlied

Wanted: Skating Lessons

Hi. I am Victor and I need to learn how to skate before Saturday. My parents have been paying for me to get skating lessons every week for the last fifteen years but I never actually attended any of the lessons and I spent the money on marble busts instead. Now they want me to perform to ‘Stammi Vicino’ at their wedding anniversary on Saturday.

If you can teach me, be here at Ice Castle tomorrow at 7:27am with an extra pair of skates. I am a fast learner (well, at least my dog Makkachin is–it took me only two weeks to teach him how to roll over) so I am pretty sure I will pick it up quickly. In return, I can teach you how to say some pick-up lines in Russian or tell you some facts about my love life. Whichever you prefer. Not both, though.

Yours sincerely,

Victor

PS. I’m a size 8

Or, Yuuri answers an ad he sees on Ice Castle's community board.

Victor Nikiforov May As Well Replace Your Smartphone by toganeshiro

Yuuri never thought by living with Victor Nikiforov, the living legend, would slowly reduce his need of his smartphone.

Doveglion (WIP) by reginar

Yuuri Katsuki would describe himself as a dime-a-dozen poet with a degree in comparative literature from Todai and only a couple of publications due to luck. By some miracle, he’d received an Asian Culture Council grant and a Bright scholarship to help him pursue MFA Creative Writing in America. He’d been so excited because he would be in the same country as his literary hero, V. Nikiforov, writer of countless, innovative poems.

Ever Dance With the Devil in the Pale Moonlight? (WIP) by miraculouskatsukii

It all started on the ice.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true, but it was close enough. Where it had really started was in Minako’s ballet studio, but where Yuuri had truly felt a pull, a strong attraction to his superpower for the first time had been on the ice.

And so, while raising his leg into a clumsy arabesque, begins his journey.

The Final Cut by lily_winterwood

It’s not even ten in the morning yet, and it is already shaping up to be the worst day of Yuuri Katsuki’s life.

BREAKING NEWS: Local Man Would Like To Date Other Local Man by counterheist

Viktor is an anchor for Channel 9 Action News and Yuuri does the weather. Probably Viktor draws hearts on the playback monitor. Most likely someone gets kissed in the rain.

All I'm Really Asking For is You by seventhstar

Episode 10, from Yuuri's point of view. Or, the story of how losing a bag of nuts led Katsuki Yuuri to propose marriage.

"They’re only nuts, but losing them feels like a physical blow. Yuuri drags Viktor back through Barcelona as the sun sets, eyes peeled in hopes that he’ll see the bag lying somewhere on the side of the road. They’re not anywhere, though, and when they reach the bench Yuuri knows he has to accept defeat.

He hates accepting defeat."

Spotlight by twisting_vine_x

He can't help how embarrassed he sounds as he tries to hide himself in the pillow, and Viktor's laugh is so lovely - and so helpless, so blatantly in love - that it has Yuuri squirming all over again, the wave of protectiveness stealing his breath away.

Oh, Viktor.

"I suppose that's fair, darling. I am pretty incorrigible."

He's smiling, as he says it, and his voice is light, but Yuuri knows better, now. He can hear that tiny, barely there, desperately hidden thread of self-doubt, as clearly as if Viktor were shouting it.

Am I too much?

Viktor doesn't need to say it for Yuuri to hear it. He's pretty sure Viktor's spent too long feeling like he's too much of something - too loud, too clingy, too needy - for him to just shrug it off.

Yuuri knows a little bit about self-esteem. He knows a little bit about trying to kick years of fucked up thinking. And he's damn well going to keep making sure that Viktor knows he can always be as too much as he wants to be.

Never Have I Ever (Been to Karaoke) by lucycamui

Drinking games and karaoke have never made for a better combination.

“Okay, my turn! Never have I ever made out with a picture of Victor Nikiforov!”

Yuuri choked on his glass of oolong, sputtering as Victor gently patted his back. Wiping his mouth with a napkin, Yuuri met Victor’s expectant eyes briefly and then reached out to take a sip of the beer.

He expected laughter, but instead got a view of Chris taking a large swig of his own drink.

And then of Victor picking up his own glass, tipping it to his lips.

Been a Long While, Remember Me? by sujing_sm

The door jingles right open.

A man steps right inside, panting and covered in sweat. It is almost time to close.

Viktor turns around from where he is cleaning the table tops. “Sorry, we’re closed...” The words dry by his throat when he sees who it is.

From the Ground Up (WIP) by Avocadodont

After the grueling trials of back-breaking training to the years undergone of studying scriptures, Yuuri Katsuki returns to his hometown Hasetsu with the newly honorable title as a paladin. Even with this tremendous success, Yuuri finds himself longing to explore everything that lies beyond the horizon, intending on taking whatever (or whoever) along for the thrill.

Red Thread by c0rnfl0wer

When the goddesses of Fate weave thread into their cloth, it is to determine the lives and deaths of mortals. When Viktor weaves thread into cloth on the rare occasion, it is to protect Yuuri in every way he knows how, even from his own self-doubts. Tradition says that embroidery can determine the fortune, safety, and happiness of humans, and Viktor isn’t one to pass up on any opportunity to help Yuuri, especially a tradition so embedded into his life.

A Hitman's Guide to Emergency Gift-Giving by exile_wrath

1) In case of emergencies and not know what to give your husband for his birthday in twenty-four hours, the decapitated head of one of his lifelong enemies always works.

5K TO 10K

Little Things by dramaticagain

Viktor accidently let all those little things slip out of his mouth. All of the little things that he loved about Yuuri were out in the open. He looked over to where Yuuri was standing, expecting him to be angry was revealing such intimate things to the reporter. But, to his surprise, Yuuri looked at him with one distinct expression; love.

(Post-Grand Prix Final: The seven months that Viktor spends with Yuuri in Russia. During that time he learns even more about his fiancè; the little things.)

Nothing to Make a Fuss About. It’s Just Russia’s Best Kept Secret by GwenChan

"For years Victor Nikiforov’s secondary gender had been one of the best kept secrets in all of Russia."

Yuri struggles with his being an alpha. Victor has kept his status as omega secret for years. Their relationship is nevertheless bound to be affected by their second gender.

Through A Mirror Darkly (WIP) by Chessala

And so he made himself comfortable and signaled Viktor to do the same. He smiled at his new acquaintance, who seemed to relax at Yuuri’s expression.

“So Viktor, tell me about you….it’s not fair that you know me and I don’t know anything about you…”

Viktor smiled and got a bit more comfortable himself. He stretched out his hand to press it against the cool surface of the mirror again before asking Yuuri silently to do the same. When Yuuri placed his hand over Viktor’s, the other boy started talking in a soft voice laced with sadness.

“Once a month, when there is a full moon, I can look into your world…..”

When 13-years old Yuuri finds a mirror in the hot springs storage room, he certainly didn't expect to meet a boy called Viktor through it. What he expected even less was the way in which this meeting would twist his life in the years to come.

This Night is Flawless by flowercrownyuri

Prince Yuuri can't see anything without his glasses. It normally isn't an issue, but when Yuuri goes to the royal ball without them he can't see the man who captures his attention that night and can only remember him by his voice. Determined to find the 'mystery man', Yuuri goes through the entire town in hopes of finding the one who won his affections. But what happens when said mystery man turns out to be a beautiful guy named Victor, and why is he acting like they met before last night?

Icicles Melt in Summer (WIP) by Shadow_sensei

Victor Nikiforov. Oddly, no matter how many times Yuuri repeats the name to himself, it still sounds beautiful, the r rolling off his tongue and the v melting on the tips of his lips like a mint. But more to the point, Victor Nikiforov, model for the Agape shoe and accessory line and face of Stammi Vicino Menswear, is sitting in one of his chairs.

Or, the one where model Victor Nikiforov is searching for his raison d'être in Brooklyn, New York, and finds much more than that in a small, jasmine-scented hair salon.

Katsuki Yuuri vs The World (WIP) by HopefullyAnAuthor

Yuuri squinted at his phone screen, trying to work up the motivation to trawl through more than a few words of the overly long email, which seemed to be written in purple, but he blamed his headache for that.

Dear Sir,

I am writing to inform you of a challenge blah blah blah you have made a move on V blah blah blah the league is waiting blah blah blah blah prepare for death blah blah many battles will follow blah blah blah blah blah

Yours, blah blah

“Just SPAM, I think.”

In Space Between (WIP) by lunaetude

Viktor’s given up his whole life to space, and space is what makes Yuuri feel alive.

So it begins.

On Top of the World by springsoldier (ladydaredevil)

In which Victor doesn’t believe in secret identities, Yuuri’s not quite sure how any of this happened and together, they fight crime! (Also the supervillain community as a whole is pretty harmless.)

Of Loving Katsuki Yuuri by kireiflora

Loving and living with Yuuri wasn’t quite as simple a road as Victor had anticipated, but it would always be worth it. That’s not to say that it was smooth sailing for Yuuri either, but neither of them would rather have it another way. Even if they were on completely different pages now and again, or if they have bad days and snap at each other, at the end of the day they were together and they were happy.

The Ebb and Flow of Your Heart (WIP) by Avocadodont

An Alternate Universe in which Viktor Nikiforov is the curator of a popular aquarium by the ocean in San Francisco and Yuuri Katsuki is an art student.

Look How We've Grown by maydei

Victor’s been alive for thirty years, but every day with Yuuri brings new surprises. Life. Love. Fun. Family. Yuuri’s presence in his life has brought them all, and Victor wouldn’t trade it for the world.

10K TO 20K

Stay Close to Me by dasedandconfused

At the Grand Prix Final, Yuuri misses the podium by fractions of a point. Embroiled in a skating controversy, he tells himself he'll prove his worth in the World Championships, but there's a long time in between.

Or: Vicchan lives.

Hippogriffs Soar When the Lake is Frozen (WIP) by myglassballoon

"There will be substantially more Quidditch this year.”

Soon after that announcement Yuuri can't believe his luck when Hogwarts Quidditch legend Victor Nikiforov asks him to join his team, Mila finally gets a chance to talk to her crush, and Yuri P. starts to realise that Victor's forgetfulness might actually have done him a favour for once.

The L Words by nihonlove

"Yuuri, you may not realize this, but many others besides me got their 'L words' from you."

Or: Five times someone had a one-sided crush on Katsuki Yuuri, and one time the crush was mutual.

Some Might Call It Fate (WIP) by Chessala

The Katsuki family moves to Russia after they had to close their Hot Springs temporarily. Little Yuuri (3) has to go to a new Kindergarten where he doesn't know anyone. He sees a picture of an ice skater on the wall of his new Kindergarten and is instantly fascinated. He loved ice skating so maybe he can be friends with the person that drew this picture. But how can he talk to them?

Never Tasted Rubies by ebenroot

Phichit puts up a poll on the radio website. It reads ‘What Do U Think About Yuuri K. from Hasetsu Nights and the Mysterious Caller Victor?’

Seventy-five percent of listeners said ‘lol they should just f*ck already tbh’.

(in which Yuuri is an unwilling radio host and Victor won't stop calling in to chat with him)

Kings in Couture (WIP) by slightlied

a devil wears prada au in which victor is the editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine, yuuri's his new secretary, and instead of talking about his feelings, victor just sends him on a bunch of errands

“Okay, okay. Ready.” Yuuri starts scribbling as the voice on the other end, someone from the Style and Trends department, relays instructions. “Sorry, can you please spell ‘Gabbana’?”

The person on the line promptly hangs up on him.

Awkwardly, he sets the phone back on the receiver. “Guess not.”

You'll Be My Offbeat (WIP) by littlemusings

The last thing Yuuri Katsuki wants is a repeat of his disastrous audition for City University’s most prestigious a cappella group, The Symphonics. After the video of a cover he performs at an open mic night goes viral, Victor Nikiforov (two-time best soloist & three-time best arrangement awardee for the International Championship of Collegiate A Cappella, YouTube musician, and CU dream boy) seeks him out to give him another chance.

Affettuoso (WIP) by gandmvsm

Victor Nikiforov had been raised in the world of classical music, was born breathing in Tchaikovsky and Stravinsky, a tiny violin tucked under his chin before he could walk and talk. It was no wonder that he was a prodigy - how could he not be, when every moment of his life was centered around music?

Katsuki Yuuri was no such prodigy, but had been driven since the age of 10 by one goal: "I want to perform with him."

(Or, the one where Yuuri is a music performance major with anxiety to spare, Yuri Plisetsky is a bitter second violinist, Victor makes everything look easy, and Phichit is a Good Friend.)

This Body Overflowing (WIP) by EmilianaDarling

Yuuri has never wanted to be Victor Nikiforov.

He wants to be owned by him instead; wants the whole world to see Victor in every move that he makes, like invisible handprints all over his skin.

If I Gave You My Heart by espritneo

Or, how Yuuri Katsuki woos Victor Nikiforov back.

In which, Victor is head over heels in love and prefers self-denial over communication. Yuuri is oblivious and accidentally an asshole.

Crust and Sugar Over (WIP) by ShanaStoryteller

Katsuki sits cross-legged, clearly in no hurry to go anywhere. “What’s your name? I’m –”

“I know who you are,” he cuts him off, then blushes, then hates himself for both those things. Katsuki looks surprised, and Yuri can’t think as to why. He’s a nationally ranked figure skater. He’s Yuri’s favorite figure skater.

Yuuri and Yuri become friends and Viktor develops a crush.

Ivan da Maria (WIP) by c0rnfl0wer

Rusalka: a living-dead aquatic spirit in folklore that varies in their attitude toward humans.

Navka: a subdivision of the Rusalka, known for its charming cruelty.

Viktor never minded when human civilization built up around him, or when other spirits began sharing the waters with him. He easily dominated every tradition that the centuries presented; that was what he minded. No one wants to be known for tragedy. No one wants to be subjected to loneliness and despair forever. No one wants to drag their beloved one down. Everyone wants a happy ending, even if it isn't in their nature.

20K TO 40K

Fatum ad Momentum (WIP) by maydei

These are the moments that were lost in the rush for the Gold, and the things that were built within them. A re-evaluation of everything, from day one, the real day one. From, "Be my coach, Victor!!" And how trust, friendship, and love were built from there. Through Victor's eyes, the story unfolds—the journey and experience of knowing Yuuri.

Constellations (Things You Left Unsaid) (WIP) by DasWarSchonKaputt

What is Katsuki Yuuri’s greatest asset when competing? If you ask the media, they’ll tell you it’s his flair for artistry, something that shines through in his earnest, winning performances. If you ask Yuuri, he’ll tell you that it’s his coach, Celestino, and the answer will sound as fake as it is.

The truth, though, is something that Yuuri has always known. He wouldn't be half the skater he is without his prescription for anti-anxiety medication.

[AKA a role reversal au, wherein Yuuri is a figure skating legend in the making - mostly made, or so they say - who decides to take a season off at the peak of his career, and Victor is the runaway-cum-international student from Russia who joins his university and cons Yuuri into becoming his coach. Featuring Phichit Chulanont as the worst (best) friend ever, and Yuri Plisetsky as Yuuri's self-proclaimed Arch Rival.]

Speed Dating (Let's Take it Slow) (WIP) by APaletteFullofYou

“Why like this?” Yuuri asks, breaking the silence.

Phichit grins. “Because desperate times call for desperate measures. And if you haven’t noticed, we’re desperate.

Tired of watching Georgi mull over his recent breakup, Viktor and the gang take him speed dating, hoping one of the twenty-something strangers could help fill the hole in his heart.

Now if only he could stop crying.

A Choreographer's Dilemma (WIP) by Mysecretfanmoments

After their well-publicised kiss at the Cup of China, Viktor asks Yuuri what he wants him to be again. The answer may be different this time, but saying "yes" to a relationship doesn't mean you know how to have one.

Correspondence (WIP) by Watermelonsmellinfellon

Victor Nikiforov agreeing to partner with Penned Pals for a season, had to be the best decision of his and Katsuki Yuuri's lives. It brought them together after all.

40K TO 60K

Premier Dans Mon Coeur (WIP) by aphhun

Viktor Nikiforov is the top standard for men's figure skating, aiming to win his sixth consecutive Grand Prix Series. However, he's been lacking inspiration in recent years.

Yuuri Katsuki is the newest premier danseur of the Bolshoi Ballet, and accompanies Lilia to assist in training the up and coming Yuri Plisetsky. All the while, Yuuri's trying to prepare for his own debut.

Neither of them exactly expected to find something this special in Yubileyny Sports Palace. Somehow, they're exactly what the other needed.

Dear True Love (WIP) by cityboys

Victor is a writer pretending to be on a break; Yuuri is a pianist pretending to not be on a break.

They meet, somehow, in the backwaters of Saga Prefecture, Japan.

Call Everything on the Ice… by shysweetthing

Victor learns Japanese while in Hasetsu. He doesn't tell Yuuri, and things get dicey when he overhears Yuuri and Mari talking about him in Japanese. Repeatedly.

(The subtitle of this fic should be: Victor Nikiforov really needs a hug. Luckily, he gets one. Eventually.)

“No,” Victor says, skating up to Yuuri on the ice, “you have to push all the way from here, or you’ll never get the height you need for that axel.” He sets his hand on Yuuri’s ass, tracing the muscle group he’s referring to. “Not here.” He taps Yuuri’s thigh. He doesn’t know the words for the muscles in English, only knows how to show him.

Yes, technically he’s grabbing Yuuri’s ass, but how else is he to communicate?

Pacing Ourselves (WIP) by vermillion_crown

Introspection on intimacy from the perspective of a demisexual, flavored with friends who are social media menaces and some dirty touching later on.

(Yuuri's trying to figure out his life after Viktor Nikiforov smashes into it like a meteor, and Phichit can't decide whether to help or laugh.)

60K TO 100K

Unexpected by AlexWSpark

Banquet AU: In which one impulsive midnight decision leads Victor Nikiforov to Yuuri Katsuki and, of course, everything changes, a.k.a Drunk!Yuuri has no chill, a.k.a Victor experiences #allthefeels.

Pick Lilacs for the Passing Time by astralelegies

A spark flares up inside him, the vestige of some part of himself he thought long buried now resurfacing to—what, haunt him? And then he realizes.

I want to dance with him, Yuuri thinks.

In which the outlandish prodigy Victor Nikiforov hits Yuuri’s life like a whirlwind after he transfers to a prestigious ballet conservatory in Moscow, two grumpy teenagers learn to be friends, and Mila’s Straight Girl CrushTM might not be so straight after all.

The Rules For Lovers (WIP) by ADreamingSongbird

Prince Yuuri Katsuki has a duty to his country, above all else (his desires, his dreams, and his happiness included), and he knows this alliance will help to ensure the safety of his people. That’s the only reason he accepts Prince Nikiforov’s hand in marriage. The pleasant surprise, of course, is the part where they fall in love along the way. The unpleasant one, well…

That’s a long story.

100K+

Beside the Dancing Sea by lily_winterwood

He’s finally here in this lovely and quiet little beach cottage, and the rest of the year seems to stretch out infinitely before him. Time will pass, though, and it will pass faster than he realises, but in the meantime he will stop worrying about writer’s block and deadlines and not even having the foggiest clue what his next novel’s going to be about, and live.

New York Times-bestselling author Viktor Nikiforov arrives in the sleepy seaside town of Torvill Cove to cure his writer's block. After encountering local wallflower Yuuri Katsuki at a party, he discovers that this mysterious dark-haired man has a couple secrets up his sleeve.

And Viktor will be damned if he doesn't find out just what those secrets are.

all the world's a stage by braveten

Everyone has a guilty pleasure.

For Yuuri, it just happens to be romance movies starring famous heartthrob Victor Nikiforov.

(And, honestly, on the spectrum of guilty pleasures, he figures that his is on the far, far more innocent side.)

Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches by Reiya

‘…Of all the rivalries in the world of sports over the years, perhaps none has become so legendary as that of Russian figure skater Viktor Nikiforov and his rival, Japanese Yuuri Katsuki…’

A single event changes the course of Yuuri’s life, throwing him into a bitter rivalry with Viktor Nikiforov that spans across his entire skating career. But as the years go on, rivalry and hatred begin to develop into something very different and Yuuri doesn’t seem to be able to stay away, no matter how hard he tries.

Hatred and love are two sides of the same coin and even though everything changes, some things are still meant to be.

[virginia-werewoolf]

Hello to all!!! It’s been a crazy few months and I haven’t had the time to really go on Tumblr much less post about everything going on in my life but i am going to today!!

I’m currently finishing up my senior year of high school and lemme tell u - it’s been wild!!! But so fun. This last Relay for Life was probably my favorite one yet & I wish I could just have one more. When I went my freshman & sophomore year I was still so, so shy and only talked to people I already knew. This year, though, I talked to the new speech & debate kids and they were some of the sweetest people I have met in high school!! I always get so nostalgic for speech and debate when I am around the newer kids in the club. I can’t lie - being in that club was the only time throughout my whole high school experience that I felt as though I was a part of something good. I quit because it did stress me out a bit and I wanted to join photography my sophomore year and just always kind of found an excuse not to go back after that (even though I always knew I should’ve). Prom was nice - we ate at the Venetian and danced our lil hearts out at Panis Hall. I felt moderately pretty. I got into an argument with my best friend, Vincent, that night - he’s been a real dick lately & I couldn’t put up w it anymore that night in the Red Rock parking lot!!! I have been holding a few grudges against him since then but this weekend I have gotten some time to think it over for the first time & I think I’ve made my peace with him!! After prom was the Disney trip - which has been a WILD ride for a few months now. There was a lot of fishy business going on w the stuco advisor but finally - LITERALLY 10 MINUTES BEFORE THE BUS LEFT - I got a seat on the bus!!!! I wasn’t ready at all because I didn’t want to pack a bunch & get excited just to end up having to go to math that day - but I had such a good time in my bummy school clothes & 2 best friends!!! Even if I didn’t get to take pictures and we didn’t get to finish exploring California adventure because we were all grumpy and tired. The bus ride with Vincent was so fun and I didn’t really think about all the things I was upset at him for. On the 24th, then, we had grad walk AND senior awards!! I did the travel grad walk with Ni-Ni and we got to go to our elementary and middle schools + pat diskin in our caps and gowns with all the current students lining the halls cheering us on!! It was so pure. The elementary schoolers were so so so cute n proud of us & it was the first time it rly set in that this is happening!!! Plus I saw my 4th grade teacher and she remembered me BY NAME. I foreal cried on the way back to the bus bc of it. Awards night was nice too - I sat next to a kid I hadn’t talked to since middle school but it wasn’t awkward and we made jokes to each other all night!! It was kinda cute. Like it really felt like we were all in this together. I luvvvved cheering on my friends & just other kids in my classes who I may not talk to much but it still feels like we’re on the same boat supporting each other!! I got my Ronald Mcdonald award that night + my hispanic educator award (two scholarships totaling $1500!!!!) I also have to go to a HUGE district wide ceremony & read part of the speech that won me the hispanic educator award the day after graduation!! Yikes but I’m excited. I think that’s basically all the senior events left except maybe the senior bbq??? But that’s not a big deal. I’m not sure if there’s a senior sunset and I know I posted about being upset that I didn’t go to senior sunrise but on the bus ride home from Disney, I woke up for a split second and saw the sunrise over the California desert with my best friend sleepin next to me, his arm latched onto mine & maybe that’s enough.

BUT YEAH. IM FUCKING GRADUATING. My checkout card is signed !! My 7th grade english teacher who i am super close to has her flight booked !!! Can u believe it!!

Work-wise, I was having a really hard time for a while. I was desperately looking for another job & was about to transfer because the theatre made me want to kill myself!!! My exs friends and my managers were talking so so so much shit abt me. They said some of the worst things they couldve possibly said about me - and were so condescending at a time where i was extremely insecure because i was hung up over a boy that treated me like shit & had just lost so many friends. I couldnt even imagine staying until summer - but the universe helped me out and made it so that 2 of my most condescending managers transferred & i stopped getting scheduled so much with my exs friends and things just got… better. I stopped crying everyday - or any day - at work and actually turned down an interview because i figured id just wait until july to look for another job (thats how long im required to stay at my current to qualify for a 10k dollar scholarship i think i have a good shot at getting!!). I dont feel trapped and dread going to work anymore anymore and its so so so relieving. For a second there, it really had such a strong hold on my life and im so glad thats over. It was not healthy at ALL

Driving wise - ive been driving a lil bit a few days a week now and im really enjoying it !! It is not as scary as i thought itd be. I still have a lot to learn but i think im doin pretty good + i have 3k saved up for a car & im so excited !!!

This summer is also gna be super fun - im gna throw so many parties bc all of my bffs are leavin im august for college + spend a week explorin LA w my sister which im so excited abt !!! Im super broke atm bc i had to borrow a bunch of money from my mom for grade nite & am trying to pay it back asap but hopefully any grad money will be enough to cover it so i can buy books n cute knick knacks freely while im on vacay!! Especially since my body decided to hit a second fuckin puberty this winter & none of my summer clothes fit me anymore :( ive been dressing so bummy lately bc of it but ive been too busy to care. I gotta get clothes b4 going to LA tho!!! Other than that though i really just want this summer to be abt me. I feel like even tho i KNOW i need time to myself, i always try to get the most out of literally ANY possible relationship in my life :( its such a bad thing but i hate passing up opportunities like that bc what if, u know? To love and be loved in return is what I always thought i wanted most in this world!!! But i think i just need to consider where situations like this are really going before i compromise the time i set aside to work on myself for it. SO unless i can really see something going somewhere, this summer is goin to be about reading, writing, filming, and taking care of myself !!! I want to eat better (vegetarian & vegan whenever possible!!) and exercise and take care of my skin and just get shit done in general (maybe learn to knit finally???) Im even gonna start a bullet journal!!! I think it will help keep me feelin like myself as well as stay productive & organized in college + its just such a cute hobby Not to mention my sister is ENGAGED?????? My BEST FRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! I will save the sappy stuff for later posts/my maid of honor speech but she really deserves this more than anyone. It hurts to see her movin out after 18 years of sleepin 10 feet away from her - if it were any earlier than this i wouldnt have been able to handle it - but im excited to be independent & im sure we’ll be sendin each other funny memes and visiting each other 24/7!! She is my best friend after all, and im just so happy to see her happy that i cant even be that sad abt losing our early morning laughs and late night talks - at least not yet!! Maybe it just hasnt set in yet