#this week has been bad enough trying to write 15 pages of poetry with no inspiration

[hairtusk]

I'm one more minor inconvenience away from an actual, fully-fledged nervous breakdown

[snowdice]

Logan’s 25 Step Plan to Ask a Boy Out (Relabeled; Refiled Series)

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Relationships: Logan/Patton

Characters: Logan, Patton, my self insert again, oops Lia(OC)

Summary:

“No! Logan look,” she said. “He likes you and you like him. You don’t need a list or a plan or schematics for this. Just walk up to him and ask him out before you hesitate so much that he thinks you don’t like him anymore.”

Logan’s eyes widened. “Is that something that can happen.”

“Oh god, this is hopeless.”

How is Logan so good at, but simultaneously so bad at this?

This is a one-shot dealing with events set before my story Sometimes Labels Fail set a few months after The Things We Never Mentioned.

Notes: Superhero AU (doesn’t matter for this one... again), Logan being dumb but it the sweetest way possible.

This was supposed to come out later this week, but the mini fic I was writing to release today ended up... not being a mini fic. So, I shuffled around my release plans a bit and you get this now!

It was almost 3am and Logan was still in his office. He really should just go home. There was no way he and Lia were going to be able to solve this problem tonight. Lia wasn’t even looking at the problem on the chalkboard anymore, instead she had pressed the chalk against the board longways and was turning it slowly to make a fan shape on the board.

Logan took a drink of his room temperature coffee. “We could try integrating it.”

“No.”

“You’re probably right.” Logan tilted his head back and closed his eyes pretending to be deep in thought, but really he just let his brain drift. “Lia,” he said.

“Hmm?”

“Can I ask your advice on something not related to math.”

“Fucking please do.”

“It’s about Patton.”

She didn’t even pause. “My advice is, ask him out.”

Logan paused and opened his eyes to look at her. “Er well… Yes.”

She suddenly looked more awake than she had in hours. “No really? Yes! It’s about time!”

Logan rolled his eyes. “Your enthusiasm about my romantic interests is absurd… but useful in this specific case.”

She sat up straight and folded her hands in her lap like a particularly interested school child during story time. “Please continue.”

“I have decided that I would like to pursue a romantic relationship with Patton, and I am currently researching the best strategy to convince him of my adequacy as a prospective partner.”

“Research?” Lia asked. “Oh god, please tell me you didn’t made a list.”

“I am simply inquiring after your advice concerning rather you believe Patton would be more inclined to understand love language in poetry or flowers.”

“Logan you don’t need to prove your ‘adequacy’ or whatever. Just ask him out.”

“Certainly,” Logan said. “Flowers or poetry.”

“Logan you’re not listening,” Lia complained.

“I assure you I am. I’m even taking notes.” He turned the paper around for her to see.

“‘Lia does not seem to have an opinion on flowers or poetry. Seems to suggest a bold approach,’ Logan you’ve got to be kidding me.”

He sat back and flipped back a few pages in the notebook. “I have interviewed many people on the topic but seeing as you have actually met Patton in person, I thought your perspective would be useful despite the certain ridicule that would come from the question.”

“Logan please, please tell me you didn’t make a list.”

Logan didn’t reply. He had. He had made a list. He’d done more than just make a list. He’d created a whole new file designation specifically for Patton and Patton related things. He now had a light blue binder which contained the list as well as the drafts and research notes on matching light blue paper as well as a picture Patton had doodled on a napkin to give to him. What else was he supposed to do?

Over the past couple of months, he’d done research in the form of interviews as well as non-fiction and fiction reading, drafted the list, done more research, and edited the list. It still wasn’t good enough. He was missing something. He knew he was missing something, but he couldn’t figure it out. He was hoping Lia would be more helpful.

Clearly, he was mistaken as she just groaned. “Logan…”

“Never mind.”

“No! Logan look,” she said. “He likes you and you like him. You don’t need a list or a plan or schematics for this. Just walk up to him and ask him out before you hesitate so much that he thinks you don’t like him anymore.”

Logan’s eyes widened. “Is that something that can happen.”

“Oh god, this is hopeless.”

“I was unaware of the possibility of a time limit on this assignment.”

“That’s not. No. That’s not what I’m saying Logan. Please don’t freak out. This isn’t homework!”

“I’m not freaking out Lia,” he said calmly even though his mind was racing.

“Logan, I know that look,” Lia said, “that’s the Logan’s pretending he’s okay, but he’s actually about to go and break down in a closet look.”

Logan waved her off and gathered up his bag. “Thank you for your input; you have given me a lot to think about.”

“No, please stop thinking!”

“I must go.”

 Logan had meant to finish editing his list the night before but had fallen asleep almost immediately after getting home from the office. He woke at around 10am with a sore neck. He looked at the list. He should switch task 7 and 8 he decided. He wrote out one more copy of the list with the edit and then stared at the list again. There were 25 list items the last one being to ask Patton on a date. It wasn’t perfect, but… perhaps it was good enough. He bit his lip. Some of the tasks would take more effort, but luckily Logan had already started working on preparations for the third step which was to express interests in things the subject found important. The first two steps were to express a desire to spend time with the subject and demonstrate an ability to notice the subject’s likes and dislikes. With the preparation he had done, he was certain he could get through the first three steps today.

Decided, he jumped to his feet. Patton often came to ‘The Hideout’ at around 11:30am for lunch on these days. If he moved fast, he might be able to catch him before-hand and ask him if he’d like to have lunch with him.

…

He should go take a shower and brush his teeth first.

After cleaning himself up and picking out one of his nicer casual outfits, he headed to the hospital. He wasn’t sure where to go, so he just headed to the admission area for the hospital emergency room. “Hello,” Logan said to the receptionist. “I was wondering if Patton Sanders has left for lunch yet.” The man behind the counter blinked at him. “He’s a surgeon here.”

“I know who he is,” he replied slowly. “I’ll um, go get someone to check.”

Logan nodded and stepped away from the counter. The receptionist walked away and then returned after a moment.

A few minutes later, Patton walked up to the reception desk from the other side looking rather confused. He spoke briefly to the receptionist who gestured to him. Patton turned, lighting up a bit when his eyes fell on him, though he still looked a bit confused. “Logan,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

Logan stepped back up to the reception desk. “I was wondering if you would like to have lunch. I know you usually go to ‘The Hideout’ and we end up eating together anyway, but you don’t always, and I wanted to intentionally make plans with you. It doesn’t have to be at ‘The Hideout’ either. Of course, only if you aren’t busy and you want to.”

“I do,” Patton said. “I do want to, uh, but,” he glanced behind himself back into the ER. “We’ve been pretty busy, and I don’t think I’ll be able to take a long enough lunch to go out. I was just going to grab a sandwich in the cafeteria.”

“That’s fine,” Logan said. “We can make plans for another day.”

Patton bit his lip. “You can join me in the cafeteria if you want,” he offered. “I’ll um, only have 15 minutes though and the food isn’t great.”

“15 minutes is fine,” Logan replied.

He smiled brightly at that. “Give me five minutes,” he requested.

“Of course,” Logan said. “I’ll just sit over there.” Patton dashed off. It was closer to 10 minutes, but Logan didn’t mind even when the receptionist kept giving him looks he couldn’t understand or when a few nurses stopped by to peer at him curiously from over the counter.

Patton was still wearing the doctor’s coat when he came back to the waiting room area. He smiled when he saw Logan and grabbed his arm to guide him to the elevator. The cafeteria was on the top floor of the hospital. Patton warned him off of getting the spaghetti and he ended up with a grilled cheese sandwich and soup while Patton just purchased a premade cold cut sandwich from one of the refrigerators.

The cafeteria was crowded at this time of day, but Patton directed him to a more secluded part of it. His eyes kept flashing at the clock, but he still smiled at Logan.

“It bought you a brownie,” Logan said pushing it at him. “I’m not sure of its quality compared to the ones at “The Hideout,” but I know it is your favorite dessert so hopefully it suffices.

He took the saran wrapped dessert with an almost startled expression. “Thank you,” he said and then looked back up at Logan. “It’s good to see you. I-I’ve had a stressful morning and was sad I wouldn’t be able to go out for lunch today. Thanks for being willing to eat down here with me.”

“I’m glad I decided to come today then. Thanks, are not necessary. I enjoy talking with you no matter the environment.”

A bit of a blush bloomed on Patton’s cheeks and he cleared his throat. “What would you like to talk about then?” he asked.

“How about,” Logan began, “antibody diversity and histocompatibility systems.”

A strange look crossed Patton’s face. “Did... Logan did you look up my research papers?”

“I,” he didn’t know why he felt compelled to blush. “Yes, I did. You don’t have a background in mathematics or physics so I thought I would investigate your interests so we could have something to talk about. They were very well written.”

A pause. “You read my research papers.”

“Yes,” he said. “There was a lot of terminology I had to look up, but I believe I have enough of a working knowledge to hold a conversation.”

“You,” he stopped and looked at Logan with an intense but achingly tender expression that figuratively stole Logan’s breath. It lasted for a long moment and Logan felt trapped by his gaze in the best way possible. “Would you like to go on a date with me?”

“Yes,” Logan replied breathlessly without even a thought. Patton gave him a dazzling smile and bit his lip, looking away slightly. Logan’s brain restarted once he wasn’t held captive by that strange look in Patton’s eye. Wait, wait, he’d had a plan! He’d just ruined the plan!

“So then,” Patton said somewhat bashful, “what would you want to do on the date.”

Logan scrambled to mentally scratch off 22 list items until he found the ideas he’d come up with for once he’d procured a date. It wasn’t an edited list yet, but at least it was something. He was glad he planned so far in advance. “Midtown park perhaps,” Logan suggested. “There is a small place that serves pasta and an ice cream shop nearby. We could have dinner and then walk through the park. You’ve mentioned that you enjoy ravioli and the restaurant I’m suggesting is well known for the dish according to three articles in two different newspapers in the last 18 months.”

Patton titled his head with a small smile. “You’ve put some thought into this haven’t you?” he asked.

“I…” Logan said, “tend to be a planner.”

Patton reached over to place his hand on Logan’s. “I’m glad,” he said. Logan turned his hand over so their fingers could lace together. They only had 7 minutes to eat once they remembered their food and it was quite bland, but Logan would surely never regret it.

Thanks for reading!

And with that, we are done with the prequel fics that had to come out before multi-chapter prequel! The fic Gaps in His Files will start releasing next week. It’s 14 chapters.

[bronanlynch]

bi-weekly update

it sure has been a wild time here and tbh I had enough to do one of these last week and just. didn’t?? for some reason?? anyway

listening: the Promare soundtrack went on sp*tify recently so I’ve been on Promare soundtrack lockdown over here. I know Kakusei is the iconic Promare song but Inferno (the opening song) always makes me tear up??? love to experience emotions about a movie in a reasonable and normal way. so anyway my standout track from the OST is Piromare because I am so very not immune to sad soft piano renditions of a motif that is usually triumphant/cheerful/etc

reading: I have, for once, read a bunch of books. I got a giftcard to my favorite local indie bookshop for Christmas and finally got around to using it to buy two books I’d been looking forward to, Dowry of Blood by S.T. Gibson (bi polyam Dracula retelling, kind of) and Winter’s Orbit by Everina Maxwell (gay arranged marriage space opera)

Dowry of Blood was very satisfying to me, someone who has lots of opinions about how vampires ought to be sexy and also terrifying, and I really enjoyed this specific take on vampire lore. also the formatting/pagination was really really cool and reminded me more of poetry books than prose usually does. for the first couple of pages there’s only text on one side of the page and then there’s one line on the back of a page and it hits really hard. extremely good and cool printing choices. would def recommend, but it is also explicitly an exploration of getting into and then out of an abusive relationship so. warnings for that in addition to the murder/blood warnings

also look at how sick this cover is (by Marlowe Lune, an artist whose work I really like in general)

I previously read Winter’s Orbit when it was on ao3 as an original work (called Course of Honour) and it was really cool to read a familiar story that I uh. read several times on ao3 but with added layers, because the author added a bunch of worldbuilding and an entire overarching higher-stakes political plot. I really really liked the added worldbuilding, and for the most part I enjoyed the new plot stuff, though at times I felt like it distracted from what I liked the most about the original, and there was one specific scene that was taken out that I was disappointed about. fave thing about the worldbuilding is when something is referred to by normal familiar words (like pigeons or bears) and then the actual thing is like, a fucking dinosaur that only vaguely resembles the word that’s used for it. very fun

also slightly mixed feelings about the framing of empire in the book, since there is some discussion about the consequences of imperialism and the resolution of the plot involves getting more rights and political sway for colonized planets. but the majority of the plot is about preserving an unjust status quo, and the representative of one of the colonized planets is working for the interests of the empire so that they can appear unified in the face of a larger-scale potential threat, which I’m not sure I love. and I also didn’t really care for the way the resistance movement (whenever it came up, which wasn’t often) was portrayed. so. on one hand yes there is a message of ‘empire bad and we should maybe try to be less Like That’ but on the other hand sometimes it did feel like the imperialism was an under-examined backdrop for a romance. like don’t get me wrong, I love the romance, I love the characters, it’s just that some of the politics didn’t quite do it for me and I think I just wanted More of things that just. weren’t the focus of the story

warnings for discussions of abusive relationships in this one, except this time it’s backstory for one of the characters, not something that’s present in the central relationship. and for all of the things that I wasn’t quite satisfied with, the parts of the book that are about like, learning how to be a person again after being in a situation where you’re not allowed to be yourself are still very well-handled and hit me real hard.

I also read a whole bunch of KJ Charles because sometimes all my brain can handle is marathoning romance novels, but I’m not gonna talk about all of them because this is already long enough (have not read the new one that came out today yet though that’s what I’m gonna do after this)

watching: Supernatural season 13 is incredibly boring and bad in ways that aren’t interesting or fun to talk about so I haven’t watched any recently. I did watch the first episode of Lupin, and really enjoyed it! will definitely watch more, though slowly because it takes too much of my brain to marathon it, partially because I know just enough French to almost not need the subtitles but having to read and also automatically trying to translate as I’m listening takes more brain energy. love a good heist though, and it has some good social commentary on race and class and crime

also the main character is very good. fucking superb you funky gentleman thief

playing: still making my way through the last mission of Knife of Dunwall. I made a bunch of progress since I whined at my friend about how hard it was and they told me to just stay in the building that has places to hide (the one you have to make your way through as Corvo, so I already know the layout, which helps lol) instead of the one that’s falling apart with nowhere to hide. who would have thought.

have also watched my roommate play lots of games and have thoughts on those too. Final Fantasy games (or at least the ones I’ve seen anything from, which is 7, 14, and 15) really appeal to me on a character/aesthetic/plot level but the gameplay looks like it would be bad for my brain. and yes all of those have very different gameplay but they would all be not fun for me in different ways. my roommate showed me like an hour of cutscenes from 14 last night that was basically a movie of tropes I love but holy shit I could never play a game where I have to wait for other people to be ready to also play the same part of the game before I can advance the plot

they’ve also been playing Persona 5 Scramble/Strikers (I don’t know which one the S stands for and at this point I’m too afraid to ask), which I do intend to play myself some day. it’s a sequel to Persona 5 with the same characters and damn they really nailed the feeling of seeing your friends again after not seeing them for a while, both in terms of. I care about these characters and am happy to see them again and also, they haven’t seen the protagonist in a while and they’re so happy he’s back and it makes me very soft. would love to reunite with friends whom I haven’t seen in a while

making: haven’t worked on cosplay but we did make some very tasty tortellini soup last weekend, and then last night we made fish & chips which was a lot easier than I was expecting and turned out pretty well? we just used frozen fries instead of like. frying them ourselves but we did make some very tasty lemon-garlic green beans

writing: well. I have a couple of things I’ve been noodling away at for a bit, and then a couple days ago I had a little bit of a breakdown and wrote 3000 words of angst in one sitting for an entire different new fic (Persona boys having a miserable time), and then yesterday decided to get in on a thing in The Untamed fandom of people writing short ““boring”“ domestic oneshots, and I love domesticity so I wrote one, which various reviewers have called “very sweet” and “a callout post” (it is both of those things)

I’m also organizing an event for P5 trans content because someone was shitty to one of my roommates over a trans headcanon and I got so pissed off that I’m running a prompt week now. love to have reasonable emotional reactions to things that happen in my life. why would I think about my actual problems when I could get petty and spiteful over someone saying that a fictional character couldn’t possibly be trans

[roc-thoughtblog]

Sense and Sensibility Readthrough Part 15

Chapter 18, Pages 83-88

Past two weeks have been... rough isn't the right word, that implies a specific level of hardship. Mismanaged implies that I made management decisions at all. I think "thoroughly paralyzing" and "difficult to manage" were what it was. If I ever mention emails in the preamble again you can be sure there's a 50% chance I'm imminently falling apart and disappearing for a while under the pressure. I still haven't conquered them at the time of writing this, but I've made some progress..

Over the weekend two sets of friends dragged me out, so that's helped a lot in resetting my mind to a less frozen space. I got to see a bird art exhibit and pick up a friendly kitty! I have no idea where yesterday went but I finished DDLC the day before, which was fun and I'd like to write something about.

This week's looking better.

Anyway! Previously, Edward Ferrars has returned, and makes his greatest spoken appearance thus far with all the sisters; and in the comfort of their familiar company he sounds very much at ease and how Elinor would refer to as "as himself." It's very sweet, but it also sounds like he's nursing something broody underneath it all.

Geez it's been almost two weeks.

It took me a good four hours today to get back into reading again, but I'm glad I did. This chapter was so sweet, and I feel like it's helping me get my life rolling again.

Readthrough below.

Chapter 18

Edward Ferrars is doing a good impression of me during social outings. Poor Elinor, he's so despirited she's not able to even read if he still loves her/wants to see her;

and the reservedness of his manner towards her contradicted one moment what a more animated look had intimated the preceding one.

Another for the nice line stack. I really know the feeling though; that you should or even are genuinely happy to be there but something weighs on you in a way that whatever you should naturally feel gets swallowed. Like happiness is a poor signal being intermittently obscured by static and noise. And other people can pick it up easily even if they don't know the cause; poor Elinor is feeling insecure right now being made to guess what it could be.

Edward's behaving oddly, not just in Marianne's opinion but in mine as well I think. Or at least, very detachedly. He skips breakfast with Elinor to go a walk around town to admire the scenery; I have to pause my train of thought for this actually:

"I shall call hills steep, which ought to be bold; surfaces strange and uncouth, which out to be irregular and rugged; and distant objects out of sight, which ought only to be indistinct through the soft medium of hazy atmosphere. [...] I call it a very fine country - the hills are steep, the woods seem full of fine timber, and the valley looks comfortable and snug - [...] I can easily believe it to be full of rocks and promontories, grey moss and brush wood, but these are all lost on me."

When Marianne tries to press Edward for the details of his aethstic opinion after his walk, he gets pre-emptively defensive over his inability to meet her standards of aesthetic appreciation. Asides from illustrating that Edward knows how to describe what he lacks, it's really helpful to me for being an incredibly easy to reference breakdown on the difference between observations made from aesthetics versus utility.

Steep hills, out of sight objects, comfort and resource presence are all practical concerns. Meanwhile, uncouth surfaces imply personality, a hazy distant skyline adds atmosphere, promontories are dramatic and grey moss and brush wood are appealing visual details. I haven't really stopped thinking about narrative voice, so I'm suddenly struck wondering about a detective/reporter dynamic where two characters cover the same scene but one is practical and the other is poetic, and seeing the difference... Well it's probably been done and I should nix this train of thought before it takes me interstate.

Amusingly, Elinor undercuts her beau by explaining to Marianne that Edward is not nearly as exclusively utilitarian-minded as he acts... he just masks the latent poetry within his soul because he holds a slight reactionary bias against aesthetics, because he finds some aesthetic appreciators to be fake and pretentious. Oh dear. :'D

Fortunately for Edward, Marianne agrees that florid language has been done to death. Unfortunately for Elinor, Edward refutes her claim that he has any hidden poetic appeal. He goes as far as to use language like "crooked, twisted, blasted trees" while doing so too, which, I think we can all agree it's a waste that he doesn't employ them more often. :'D

Marianne looked with amazement at Edward, with compassion at her sister. Elinor only laughed.

Same. :'D

Oh, oh no.

Next paragraph Marianne spots that Edward has a new ring and blurts out the observation for a conversation topic. Oh no, no that can't be any kind of good in general. A surprise new ring? In a romance novel? Murder! Bloody murder! It's like finding a bloody handprint in a murder mystery; Edward what have you done??

I might be having a little trouble following what comes now though. So there's a hair inlaid in the ring (what is it with people keeping each other's hair?), which Marianne asks if it's Fanny's. The hair's not the right colour to be Fanny's, but Edward makes an excuse while glancing (guiltily?) at Elinor. So now, both sisters think it's Elinor's hair, and he's lying about the source because he's embarassed? Marianne thinks it Elinor gave to him, but Elinor thinks he secretly stole it from her?

I think that's what happened?

Elinor doesn't even like... particularly mind that her hair might have been stolen to make a ring.

That hair is definitely not Elinor's though, which I think she will mind.

[Elinor] internally resolved henceforward to catch every opportunity of eyeing the hair and satisfying, beyond all doubt, that it was exactly the same as her own. [...] how little offense it had given to [Elinor].

Elinor's natural skepticism, at an 11 for Willoughby, is turned down to a 1 for her beau. In fact, her natural skepticism is playing second fiddle to her basking in attention; from the rest of the context it sounds like she's just using it as an excuse to admire her beau apparently wearing her hair. We've seen paranoid hyperaware Elinor, and this is definitely not her. This is a new Elinor, this is aaaaaaaaaa my beau has a secret memento of me aaaaaaaaa i can't betray my secret internal happiness aaaaaaaaaaa Elinor.

I don't even think I'm reading too much into the secret internal happiness thing, girl has feelings and biases. If it were Willoughby with the strange ring of hair she'd be driving herself up the wall with concern, but that it's Edward she's already half-convinced herself of his fidelity. Either it's not her hair, or he stole her hair behind her back, and neither is a good thing! In fact, the latter is quite a stretch, and Edward seems like an awful liar. And even though she assumes the latter option, that he stole her hair without her consent, she's not even upset! That's not just creepy nowadays, Elinor acknowledges in the text that she should be affronted! It's creepy then too! Poor girl has it bad.

Mama Dashwood are you gonna say anything? I don't think Marianne is useful here, she's just happy to see signs of love.

Oh boy, there's not even much of a reprieve before Sir Middleton and Mrs Jennings show up to meet the new lad in town. 0 seconds for Mrs Jennings to figure out Edward is Elinor's secret beau. Poor Elinor is gonna get her match made so hard. I expect exponentially increased amounts of unwanted advice.

Sir Middleton invites them to more parties, as he do, which may or may not be the coming chapters. Marianne is still despirited that Willoughby is absent. Edward catches on to all these mentions of a mysterious Willoughby and Marianne's despondent reactions, and pieces things to together to come out and ask Marianne privately... if Willoughby hunts.

He just made a joke, that cheered Marianne up. That's adorable, I love it so much. Bonding... :')

Not just him too, the entire narrative was setting that one up for the reader, trying to build it up into some kind of serious question or confrontation so that Willoughby could deliver the punchline on Marianne. On a dry technical level it conveys the same bare minimum of information that it otherwise could have (that Edward has figured something out and confronted Marianne about it), but on every other level it's so much more heartwarming and just adds such a fine, tender touch to an interpersonal relationship that really doesn't get all that much positive attention.

And beyond touched, Marianne is all of happy, anxious and certain that Eddie would be great friends with her Willoughby, which, I need many new sentences to express how incredibly meaningful that is.

Marianne's relationship with Eddie up until now has been marked by a frustrated inability to understand him, and mostly held together by the good words and attention of her sister. They're established to be friends and positive, but there's always a fraught element to it, especially since we've seen that she and Willoughby together have had a similar antagonistic relationship towards Brandon, and that doesn't play out well even with Elinor's defense. Given how much she insists that she shares her heart and mind with Willoughby, we can reach the implication that she treats her opinion or place as interchangeable with Willoughby's. If she can confidently opine that Eddie will like Willoughby, then I think this is that tender moment where we can see that, no matter how or if they fight or disagree, Marianne truly believes that Eddie deeply likes and appreciates her, because that's what's necessary to like Willoughby.

And Eddie reciprocates! "I do not doubt it." He has no reason to know that Willoughby and Marianne have appreciably interchangeable level singlemindedness, so he just likes Marianne enough to be ready to accept whoever it is that she loves.

It's such a lovely note to end an otherwise tense chapter on. That interaction alone might have made it one of my favourites so far.

[lailaliquorice]

I still hide you in my poetry

since parrlyn hurt/comfort seems to have become my brand, I bring you more parr-based parrlyn angst at nearly 3am! I didn’t feel like sleeping so ended up writing instead. and it’ll probably be back to boleyn angst next time but this is honestly so soft and these two are so cluelessly in love it’s adorable. this makes a few references to ‘one more chance’ but you don’t have to read that to read this

also cathy still writes like she’s a tudor lady lol

When Cathy was struck by writing inspiration, it was common that she wouldn’t set her pen down until her idea was fully formed in her notebook regardless of when or where it was. More than once she’d been struggling to scribble the last few words down when the 15-minute call for the show came and she was still in her own clothes, deaf to Jane’s complaints that Cathy was giving her grey hairs due to stress. Time became irrelevant when there were words in her head and a pen in her hand, often working until 3 or 4 in the morning just in case she forgot a crucial detail overnight if she decided to finish it in the morning.

Their Sundays off were Cathy’s dedicated research days, where she would open all the bookmarked articles and wikipedia pages she’d accumulated over the week and spend the entire day working through them for as long as she liked. Normally she wouldn’t leave her bedroom-turned-study until Jane sent someone to drag her down for dinner, too intent on taking advantage of her day off to spend it any other way.

But today the writing was slow. Painfully slow.

‘Writing has been my life’s work. My lives’ work in fact – the lack of grammatically correct ways of saying that is probably related to how rarely a person has two lives to dedicate to something. It’s what I’m good at, what I do. I don’t know why I’ve been so distracted this week, since that bad night I’ve found myself wanting to be alone less and less even during the day. It’s inconvenient at the least and I don’t understand myself at all.’

Cathy let out a groan as she rested her head on the page; there had been a headache pulsing behind her eyes for the last hour or so, and as much as she’d been trying to ignore it and keep working it had only been getting progressively worse. She’d given up on writing anything academic and was instead working on her journaling; in her old life she’d kept a diary, but this time around her journal was more of a place where she could write down what was on her mind and elaborate on deep thoughts that occurred to her. But even though she wasn’t trying to write anything worthy of publishing, she could still pinpoint where she’d started talking in circles rather than making any sort of sense.

Wondering if a change of scenery could help, after picking up her journal and pen she found herself walking up the staircase towards Anne’s bedroom. It was always cooler up there thanks to the skylights which made it nice to work in, or that was the excuse she told herself. The question of whether Anne was in or not when the door opened before she’d even knocked, revealing a hopeful looking Anne in her comfy clothes. “Thought it might be you heading up here again,” she said, her smile brightening as soon as she saw Cathy.

“Yep, me again,” Cathy replied with a half-hearted laugh, too out of sorts to respond with any more enthusiasm though Anne’s cheery face did brighten her up a little. “Would I be bothering you if I worked in here for a little while? I think I need a change of scenery?”

Anne nodded, holding the door open and beckoning for Cathy to come in. “Course not, make yourself at home. You ok though?

She was surprised yet touched that Anne could read her well enough to ask that. “I’ve got a bit of a headache but I’m fine, promise,” Cathy said, meeting Anne’s concerned eyes with a reassuring smile.

“If you say so,” Anne teased, shutting the door before sitting back down at her desk. From the papers strewn everywhere it looked as though she’d been writing too, and clearly having more luck than Cathy had been.

They fell into a comfortable quiet as Cathy sat on Anne’s bed with her back leaned against the headboard, leaning her journal on her knees as she kept on writing. But she was still frustratingly distracted, finishing a lengthy sentence with ‘and my head hurts’ before her pen stilled.

That was when she noticed the flash of colour in the corner of her vision, on her right hand side where the pain was currently sitting. Very slowly, very carefully, she crossed her legs and sat up properly as if she was moving a bomb which could explode at any moment.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

Cathy almost flinched at how loud Anne’s voice sounded. She didn’t turn her head to look over at her but the worry in her tone was obvious, and even if it had been worth Cathy pretending nothing was wrong she wouldn’t have considered lying to her. “I think I have a migraine coming,” she said quietly, trying not to acknowledge the growing feeling of dread in her chest.

The mattress dipped beside her just before she felt Anne’s hand on her knee. “Can I do anything?” she asked softly, clearly having noticed Cathy’s sensitivity to sound.

“I don’t know,” Cathy murmured honestly. “It doesn’t happen often but I just have to ride it out when it does. I can go back to my room if you want me to.”

“What? No!” Anne said, grabbing Cathy’s hand from where she’d already been about to shuffle off the bed. “Please stay, you shouldn’t be on your own while you’re in pain. Nothing I’m doing is that important.”

Cathy smiled faintly. “Thanks,” she said, sitting back down. Even though there was nothing she could do to prevent the oncoming storm, it was a comfort to know that she wouldn’t have to endure it alone. Taking stock of how she was feeling, she paused a moment before adding “I’m ok at the moment. It’ll probably be about half an hour before it starts to get really bad.”

“Gotcha,” Anne nodded, a look of intense concentration on her face. “What will you need? I can go get everything now before you need it. D’you want me to get Jane or anyone else?”

Anne’s endless slew of questions was endearing, showing that she really did care and want to help in whatever way she could. The last few weeks since Cathy had first spoken to her about her trauma and particularly the aftermath of Cathy’s own night terror had unveiled a softer side to Anne which Cathy hadn’t quite expected but was honoured to know. “Some ibuprofen would really help, thanks. And something cold for my head if you can find anything,” she said, but shook her head at the last question as she added “and no, it’s ok. I trust you to look after me.” She smiled wryly at that, leaning over to nudge Anne’s knee with her elbow and ordering herself not to blush.

The wink and finger guns that Anne sent her way did little to stop Cathy’s heart from fluttering, and if it wasn’t for her headache and the persistent flashing in her vision she would probably have matched Anne’s smile with a giddy grin. “Gotcha,” she repeated, sliding off the bed and heading for the door.

Cathy watched her go, then her gaze turned to the journal that had fallen off her lap. Feeling safe enough to write one more sentence, she hesitated for a moment while twiddling her pen between her fingers before she scribbled a few words down on the final line of the page.

‘I think the cause of it all might be that I’m a little bit in love with Anne Boleyn.’

The sound of footsteps thudding up the stairs made Cathy jump like a child caught with their hand in the sweet jar, accidentally dropping her journal before she fumbled quickly to close it before Anne arrived.

“Jane sends her love,” Anne said as she walked through the doorway, carrying Cathy’s water bottle in one hand and a glass bottle of coke in the other with a box of pills tucked under her arm. “Got you a stash of painkillers, and figured this might be nice and cool for you. Aragon wouldn’t let me take the frozen peas because she’s cooking and Kat’s using the ice pack because she took a frisbee to the head about five minutes ago. Apparently it was Anna’s fault. I dunno, it was all going on down there.”

Cathy laughed softly, easily imagining the chaos that was going on in the kitchen as they spoke. After downing a dose of pills with a quick sip of water she pressed the coke bottle to her forehead, closing her eyes and humming quietly at the soothing relief it provided. “This is perfect. Thank you so much,” she said, opening one eye to look up at Anne.

Anne shrugged modestly, sitting back down and knocking her shoulder lightly into Cathy’s. “S’alright,” she said, looking slightly embarrassed by the praise. “Just doing my bit to help. Got to live up to you trusting me and all that.”

Despite her worsening headache, Cathy still found it in herself to smile.

She wasn’t able to for much longer though. An hour later found her lying down with one arm covering her eyes and the other hand resting on her stomach, attempting without much luck to breathe through the nausea that had worsened along with her now agonising headache. It was one of the worst migraines she’d ever had, proven by the tears that flowed silently down her cheeks. Her head felt like someone was trying to crack open her skull with a blunt chisel.

The light dimming behind her closed eyelids made her crack open one eye and lift her arm a little to see that Anne had drawn the curtains to leave the room in darkness. “Hey you,” she whispered as she noticed Cathy watching her, kneeling down beside the bed so they were at the same height and placing a hand atop the one on Cathy’s stomach. “Stupid question I know but how’re you doing?”

Lacking the energy to answer her probably, Cathy just gave a lifeless hum.

Anne nodded, seeming to understand. “You feeling sick?”

Another affirmative hum.

“Want me to grab a bucket or something?”

“Mhm.” The noise was intended as a ‘yes please’, as Cathy couldn’t see herself making it down the stairs from the attic to the bathroom if she did end up needing to throw up.

Anne’s departure left silence in her wake, until there were quiet footsteps on the staircase and the sound of something being placed on the floor next to her. “Waste paper bin,” Anne explained without Cathy needing to ask, the mattress shifting as Anne carefully crawled over to sit next to her. A cool flannel on her forehead replaced the coke bottle that Cathy had long since given up on, a soothing distraction from the throbbing pain on the right side of her skull.

Movement from Anne prompted Cathy to reach out blindly with her closest hand, desperately not wanting to be left alone. She relaxed with a sigh when Anne caught it in hers, squeezing gently as she readjusted her position then making no effort to take her hand back when she settled down again.

They stayed like that for a while, Anne dampening Cathy’s forehead with the flannel while holding onto her hand as a constant reassurance she wasn’t going anywhere. Anne could admit it was more than a little unsettling to see her friend laid out so helpless and vulnerable, possibly more so than when she’d been so shaken after her night terror. At least Anne had known what to do then because she knew what Cathy would do for her; she didn’t have quite the same maternal streak as Jane, Aragon, and Cathy herself did, meaning all she could do was make a few guesses and try her best.

When Cathy lurched forwards Anne wondered at first if she’d fallen asleep and had another nightmare, but caught onto what was really happening in time for her to hold Cathy steady as she threw up into the bin. “It’s ok, I’ve got you,” she said softly once Cathy had finished and she fell limply into Anne’s arms, wiping her mouth with the flannel before dropping it next to the bin.

“Sorry,” Cathy croaked in a fragile voice, but made no attempt to move from where she’d collapsed with her head in Anne’s lap.

“Nothing to be sorry for,” Anne said, threading her fingers through Cathy’s curls and noting how she relaxed under the touch. If Cathy was feeling her usual self she probably would have stopped there, but Cathy’s disoriented state meant that Anne could get away with saying things that she didn’t want her friend to remember. “You’ve helped me enough these last few weeks. It’s the least I can do to show you I’m more than grateful.”

Cathy gave no indication that she’d heard anything, just curling her legs up towards her chest as Anne continued to play with her hair. Anne’s mind was racing with thoughts questioning what she’d got herself into and how small the woman in her lap looked when all her walls were beaten down, but there was one that spoke louder than all the others:

‘Boleyn, you have fallen so hard it’s fucking unreal.’

[writeinspiration]

suggestions for a young writer? im 15 and i just started seriously writing about a year ago~ since then I've written mostly poetry but I really write other stuff like short stories or plays too! but i always have trouble making my ideas ideas into something and just deciding how or what i want to write. and i get so worried that i lose motivation! i think that i first want to tackle trying to make characters/a simple short story. advice, tips, or tricks? thank youuu!

Hi! I’m glad you’re ready to get started! Beingeager about writing is the best. Writing a poem is a lot like writing a shortstory, so you’re on the right track. Good writing is precise and almost lyrical.

It can be really difficult to maintain motivation.Most people will advise you to write every day, which is good advice, but it’sjust not always feasible. The more you write, the better you will get!

Personally, titles and concepts and characters areall equally likely to get me started on a project. A cool title might pop up inmy head, and then I develop what story and characters go with it. Or I’ll havea concept that I’ll develop and label. Other times, I start with a characterand figure out who they are and what they do.

Here’s my most popular post regarding charactercreation: https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/158687382194/how-do-you-create-characters-or-do-they-come-find

Keeping motivated can be really difficult whenyou’re unsure of your capabilities as a writer. But the more you wait to putyour ideas to the page, the harder it will be to pick things back up. Onceyou’ve gone a week without writing, one more day seems like nothing. One moreweek, one more month… where does it stop?

I’ve seen people suggest leaving off in the middleof a sentence. When you do that, you are setting up for success. You alreadyknow exactly how that sentence will end and where it will lead. So once you sitdown with it again, you can hit the middle of the sentence without staring at atotally blank page.

I have a lot of different posts and tags that mayhelp you out!

Writer’s block and depression (1), and again (2), and some pick-me-ups (3)

First drafts don’t have to be good. 

Write a whole bunch of crappy sentences if that’s what it takesto get a good one.

Don’t let it get you down. Just get it done.

Your big ideas are worth pursuing.

This post in particular will likely resonate with you and how you feel right now: https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/132168477614/ive-been-trying-to-write-for-years-unfortunately (full text included at the very, very bottom of this post)

More below the “Keep reading” line!

Important links:

Big projects on the way!!

Feedback survey for WriteInspiration & WriteInspiration product survey

IT GETS BETTER (now on Wordpress too!)

Feeling generous and want to thank me for my work on this blog? Then please click here and donate via PayPal!

You can also become a patron of me on Patreon.

Don’t have a dime to spare? That’s totally fine! :) Thanks for your support~!

Click here to get a random “Why Aren’t You Writing?” post!

You can buy my stuff!

Useful tags:

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/search/young– stuff relating to young writers and characters

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/search/inspiration– inspiration

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/search/motivation– motivation

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/tagged/depression– depression

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/search/characters– everything relating to characters

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/search/writing+prompt

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/search/prompt

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/search/rapid+prompt

– writing prompts

Specific posts that address some of your concerns:

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/144610505447/if-you-see-a-need-fill-it– If you see a need, fill it.

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/152075979524/fuckyeahyoungadultlit-tachycardiia– diversity in YA lit

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/132168477614/ive-been-trying-to-write-for-years-unfortunately– starting to write

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/131428782622/cliches-in-ya-romance– clichés in YA romance

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/131034862609/lizardpeopledearreader-honestly-if-stephanie– There’s always someone worse.

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/104205593649/jetpack-johnny-rose-for-a-tenner-actually– Curiosity is important.

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/23740953643/setting– starting with setting

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/151665809147/learning-the-essentials-of-plotting-your-novel– plotting

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/149405245039/i-have-an-insanely-bad-time-writing-dialogue-any– dialogue

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/169191903744/behind-me-is-infinite-power-before-me-is-endless– possibilities

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/167418537238/startledoctopus-ronibravo-i-started-writing– any reason to start writing is a good reason

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/96119396642/cranky-crustaceans-pupukachoo– Pixar’s rules for storytelling

30THNOVEMBER 2013

QUOTE REBLOGGEDFROM BLOTS& PLOTS WITH 105,191 NOTES

Young writers should read books past bedtime andwrite things down in notebooks when they are supposed to be doing somethingelse.

— Lemony Snicket  (via blotsandplots)

14THDECEMBER 2012

The question for each man to settle is not what hewould do if he had means, time, influence and educational advantages; thequestion is what he will do with the things he has. The moment a young manceases to dream or to bemoan his lack of opportunities and resolutely looks hisconditions in the face, and resolves to change them, he lays the corner-stoneof a solid and honorable success.

— Hamilton Wright Mabie

7THNOVEMBER 2017

PHOTO REBLOGGEDFROM FIXYOUR WRITING HABITS WITH 2,493 NOTES

[Image transcript:The Rules of Writing

1: Write crappy first drafts.2: Words don’t bleed. Cut them.3: Write now. Edit later.4: There are NO mistakes–only creative opportunities.5. Don’t think. Just write.6: Rules? There are rules?]

Starting to write:

https://writeinspiration.tumblr.com/post/132168477614/ive-been-trying-to-write-for-years-unfortunately

deathtotheselfie asked:I’ve been trying to write for years. Unfortunately I’m very young and theschooling I’ve received on writing is nothing like I what I write about. I’monly 14 now, but little phrases and ideas bounce around in my head. Howeverwhen I write I feel like it’s not good or mature enough because of my lack ofexperience. I can’t tend to think of original plots as I’m just surrounded inother people’s work. Do you have any advice on plot development? And do youthink I should continue trying to write?

Hi! Your question makes me quite sad. If you liketo write, then you should pursue it. It’s that simple.

School doesn’t help much in terms of creativewriting. Over the summer, when I was little, my mom would make my sister and mewrite short stories. It kept me in the habit of writing even when school wasn’tin session.

(Wanna know a secret? I often got stuck halfwaythrough my story, so I’d coerce my sister into showing me hers. Then I wouldwrite the same events but in my own words. I did this for quite a while onesummer. Maybe two.)

Not only does school keep you ridiculously busy,but it also doesn’t like teaching creative stuff much either, because math andscience are deemed as more important than anything related to the arts.

All those negative voices banging around in yourhead along with all the good ideas you have? You need to learn to silence them.Those things are what you are being trained to think.

Here’s what nobody seems to know about writing:you have to start  somewhere. No one starts off as an amazing writer.

People expect writers to have this magical well ofintuition, but honestly, it just comes from practice.

You know that thing about practicing 10,000 hoursin order to become a master at something? It applies to writing, too.

Writers write.

You need to watch and write things down–what youobserve can be the basis for characters or plot or whatever. Eavesdrop on astranger’s phone conversation to get a peek into other people’s lives. Sit on abench in the mall and watch people go by.

Do you know how babies learn? They observe otherpeople doing things and then try to mimic them.

I don’t mean that fledgling writers are babies, ofcourse, but I mean that you can get your best work by reading other people’swork.

Figure out what you like to read, what you don’t liketo read. And then ask yourself WHY.

What is it about that book you hated? Was it thecharacters? The plot? The slow story-telling?

What did you love about that one book? How did itmake you feel? What parts made you feel that way?

I was in middle school when I began reading a Series of Unfortunate Events  (I’m25, for comparison’s sake). Do you know what my writing sounded like while Iwas reading those? Lemony Snicket. It wasn’t on purpose, but that’s just whathappened. (Also for comparison’s sake, I now have had a short story publishedin an actual anthology and completed a 60-page poetry collection as my creativethesis, as well as a book that I’m trying to get published.)

The more you read, the more you gain. If you readenough books, then you’ll have influences from all over that create a uniquewriter: you.

You are the sum of everything you have ever reador seen or thought about.

Yes, you’re a teenager. But that doesn’t stop youfrom observing the world and teaching yourself to understand other writers’work.

If you want to write something but are worriedthat it sounds too much like somebody else, then figure out why it sounds thatway. Is it just you that thinks it sounds that way? Or do other people tell youthat as well? Find out what it is that makes it sound like that. Is it thenarration? The plot? The themes?

Regardless of your answers, you are able to makeit unique to you.

You are a writer, and whatever you write will beyours and yours alone.

As far as plot development goes, I find thatoutlining helps. I don’t always keep to the outline, but askingyourself “Then what happens?” after each event that you write down is thebest thing you can do for yourself.

A plot is a series of events. If you know whathappens naturally after something, then you write that down. It also helps ifyou understand WHY something happens.

She goes to the mall.

Then what happens?

She ends up going home and crying in her room.

Why? What caused this? What physical actionscaused her to want to leave the mall? What mental actions occurred because ofthe physical actions?

She runs into someone she used to be best friendswith, and they get into a fight. This makes her feel disappointed in her friendbut also unsure of herself because she doesn’t know what she has done to makeher friend act that way. She places the blame on herself instead of on herformer friend. This is because she has been told growing up that everything isher fault and that her younger brother can’t do anything wrong.

See what I mean? And it’s okay to ask yourselfwhat you would do in that situation. But your characters are not you. Theyprobably won’t react like you would. And that’s okay and important.

As I told my students last year, ask yourself WHYand HOW after each sentence, after each paragraph, after each plot point, aftereach whatever. It will keep your story going until it reaches its naturalconclusion.

Okay, this ended up being way, way longer than Iintended it to be, haha. But I’m completely serious and obviously verypassionate about this. And I can say way more on the subject at the drop of ahat, so if you have any more questions, then just give me a shout. :)

Best of luck. And don’t stop writing.

I mean it. :)

[asthmaqueeneddie]

in your hcs about passively suicidal Stan, you mentioned that Richie has similar issues, would you be able to elaborate on those issues?

i will most definitely elaborate for you TRIGGER WARNING// self-harm

-so the main idea of the passively suicidal stan post was that stan wants to die but he’s not trying to kill himself every chance he gets

-richie started off this way when he was younger but around 15-16 his life started to take a turn down a path he didn’t want to travel

-he starts to lose interest in the things he loved a few years ago; he doesn’t do impressions or funny voices as much, he doesn’t want to act

-he’s always been really good in school but he really didn’t care about it, there was a solid week during junior year where he didn’t even bother to show up to french

-and it made eddie furious because what, you think you’re too cool for french class now?

-”no eds, i just don’t care enough about learning french to go. whether i speak the language or not, i’m still the same guy”

-so no one really bothers richie when he gets into those moods. he doesn’t learn until later that he’s got depression and that it’s the reason he doesn’t want to do anything anymore.

-so this is around the time things aren’t going too smoothly with him and eddie anymore. not like they were ever perfect, but they were both in a place where they were happy to be.

-eddie and bill were friends long before eddie ever met richie, so naturally they’re pretty close

-and as eddie and richie grow further apart, eddie starts volunteering at the hospital/richie’s band is the only thing that brings him any semblance of comfort anymore, eddie and bill get closer

-and it drives richie nuts because eddie idolizes bill and always had and now bill and stan are in a rocky place so richie has no idea how much more time he has with eddie

-or with any of the losers, for that matter

-bev moved away a long time ago and her letters are becoming less frequent as the days pass. the last richie heard about her was that she’s got a new boyfriend and that she’s found an interest in fashion. the only person who hears much from her is ben.

-ben doesn’t really know what he’s gonna do in the future but he knows that he, like most of the others, wants to get the hell out of derry. he’s created a poetry club for the school, he spends his free period as a page at the school library, so needless to say he’s busy but he never passes up an opportunity to hang out with his friends

-bill lost his stutter a long time ago and now has found an interest in psychology. he takes an AP course in it and thrives, but it takes up a lot of his time. between schoolwork and playing therapist to eddie, he and stan don’t exactly share the bond they used to. there’s an awkward tension now between him and richie, both boys feel as though their respective partners prefer the other.

-stan’s still as mildly suicidal as ever, but he’s happy. he’s happy because his parents separated after a long and unhappy marriage, happy because he lives with his mom and she doesn’t make him wear a kippah to school anymore, happy because he has both bill and richie by his side at all times and he feels safe. in the middle of all the turmoil in his life richie knows that, if nothing else, he’ll always have stan.

-there’s one night where richie’s alone in his empty house and his mind goes to the bad place. he thinks about all the terrible stuff that’s happened in his life, how unfair all of it is. how it’s all too much. how his friends are slowly abadoning him one by one. 

-he tries calling eddie but his mother says he isn’t home. nobody answers at stan’s house. then he starts to irrationally think that, because none of his lifelines answered the phone, they obviously don’t care about him.

-so he cries for a bit. he tries to sleep, to watch TV, take a shower, anything just to get his mind off his pain. but nothing helps. he then thinks back to bev, her method of coping in her times of trouble. he pops a razor blade out of box underneath the sink and makes his first incision. the sting both on his forearm and in his eyes only fuels him to continue.

-eventually, he wakes up in a room so white that it hurts his eyes. the room is so cold that he begins to shiver, and that’s when he notices he isn’t wearing any pants. he lets his eyes wander around for a bit before they fixate on bev, who is sleepily flipping through a magazine in the chair next to his bed.

-”beverly? what are you doing here?” the words make his throat ache

-”thank god, you’re awake.” she gets up out of the chair and throws her arms around him

-”you ever pull anything like this again and i’ll fucking kill you” her winter-fire hair has grown down to her shoulders.

-as he begins to speak, to ask again what she’s doing back in maine, a familiar small boy in an oversized crewneck comes into his line of sight

-eddie’s shakily holding a cup of coffee as he’s guided into the room by stan, who was equally as pale. as soon as their eyes meet, richie breaks down into tears.

-the memory of what he had done to land him in this position came flooding back like a tsunami, he glances down at the soft gauze wrapped around his wrist and cries harder.

-”i didn’t mean to, i-i was just trying to….i didn’t….i just”

-eddie rushes over to him, shoving his coffee into stan’s unsteady hands

-”it’s okay, rich, just breathe. calm down. what were you trying to do?”

-richie takes some deep breaths and glances around the room, almost all of his friends are surrounding him. half of them are crying.

-”i just wanted to feel something”

-richie is released about two days later. eddie somehow managed to convince richie’s mom to go to the hospital and sign the discharge papers.

-before leaving, bev swears to call more and to write each and every one of them. even if it resulted in a case of carpal tunnel.

-richie makes it his mission to apologize to every single one of his friends for putting them through what he did

-he and bill have a long talk about their friendship and agree to not let boyfriends, no matter if they’re also losers, come between them.

-eddie was slower to forgive than stan (who slept at richie’s for an entire weekend) or ben (who physically walked with richie to and from school every day) because the amount of pain eddie felt when he received the call about richie was insurmountable. eddie established a new ritual in which the two would actually talk about their feelings instead of bottling them up or masking them as passive-aggressive quips.

-the last of the losers to get over the trauma was mike. mike hanlon, contrary to no one’s belief, is the glue that keeps the losers together. he’s the one who calls bev and reminds her that she needs to send a note on bill’s birthday. he’s the one who comforts stan in gym class when he has a panic attack in the locker room. he is the one who remembers the anniversary of georgie’s death and goes to bill’s with McDonald’s and beer. and, above all, mike is the one who found richie bleeding out on the bathroom floor.

-richie approaches him carefully, he rode his bike all the way out to the hanlon’s farm. mike stopped everything he was doing upon seeing richie.

-”you don’t have to apologize”

-”you shouldn’t have had to see that. no one should have to see that or be put through that”

-”well i did, richie. i saw it. i saw you, unconscious on your bathroom floor. i came over to pick you up, you didn’t show up to bill’s like we had planned. your door was unlocked, your bedroom door was open, i stepped in blood. your blood. i called an ambulance, i picked you up off the floor, i rode in the back with you until they carted you away. and it was horrible. i hated every second of it. but i would do it again in a heartbeat. because you’re my friend and if i had let you come anywhere close to death that day, i never would’ve forgiven myself.”

-the speech was followed by lots of hugging, some crying, a whole lot of laughing. 

-richie couldn’t promise to never have bad thoughts. but he could promise never to put his friends through that much pain ever again. 

k so i may have gone a little overboard but that’s my specialty so please don’t hate me okay?

[ramennoodlesandnarusasu]

A kiss never forgotten

*Chap 1: A drunken night*

*Chap 2: A blurred night*

*Chap 3: The bath house*

*Chap 4: A Thousand pieces*

*Chap 5: Heart beat*

*Chap 6: Surprise*

*Chap 7: Sunsets, trees and you*

*Chap 8: What now?*

*Chap 9: Healing the unfixable*

*Chap 10: So, this is it?*

*Chap 11: What now?*

*Chap 12: Kids and kisses*

*Chap 13: Its time*

*Chap 14: Tears*

*Chap 15: Somethings different?*

*Chap 16: Its time*

*Chap 17: At peace*

*Chap 18: Pancakes, kids and headaches*

Chap 19: Will you stay or will you go?

Naruto flipped over the next page, skimming the words slowly making sure he absorbed every drop of ink that was on the paper. He lifted his eyes to look towards the corner of his room where Sasuke usually sat. The room was so empty and lifeless, the only company Naruto had were his lifeless pieces of paper.

The corner of the room was merely infected by the ghost of Sasuke’s body, and as much as Naruto was trying to distract himself from the thought that Sasuke had yet returned he could vividly imagine him right there. Sitting with his black coffee in his left hand, one leg crossed, thinking, forehead creased in deep thought over some documents.

He missed him, he needed him, but the last time he saw him was a month ago before he had to leave on an urgent mission with nearly every elite shinobi to de-escalate a potential war that was brewing at the Hidden Mist Village.

Naruto’s heart sank again, thinking of the last day he saw him before he went away.

They had gotten into a fight, a really shitty fight.

-

*Flash back*

“Sasuke, I just don’t understand why I can’t go with you?”

“Naruto, you are being unreasonable, you are the Hokage, you know this. Coming for me the first time got you in so much shit, you cannot let your feelings for me get in the way of being the fucking Hokage, will you for once think with your head?”

Naruto started tearing up, heart beating in flustered motions, skin accumulating heat as fast as a kettle, “why the fuck shouldn’t I think with my heart, you cold fucking bastard, just because you decided to turn off your frickin emotions, doesn’t mean I don’t have any.”

Sasuke turned around to face Naruto, furiously walking towards him.

“Naruto, you are really crossing the fucking line, you know I care for you, what else do you fucking want from me? A bed of full of roses every day? A confession of my undying love written in poetry form?”

Naruto turned around from Sasuke storming off into their bedroom, “Urgh, no I don’t want that, I just want you to understand that I could come with you, your life is here, what if something happens like last time?”

“I'll be fine Naruto, plus this mission is very important. They need as many skilled ninja going, there will be war if we don’t tame the situation over there, you know this.”

Naruto bit his lower lip knowing Sasuke was speaking nothing but the truth, he just couldn’t come to terms with accepting the fact that Sasuke wouldn’t let him protect him.

“I know Sasuke, that’s why I should go.”

“No Naruto, you’re not fucking going. What if the potential war comes here? Who will protect the village? Huh? Are you just going to abandon the village because you couldn’t stop and think with your head instead of your fucking heart for once?”

Naruto started to feel hot rage build within him, like a deep dark power was slowly manifesting from his toes upwards, clawing its way slowly out of Naruto’s skin.

“What are you going to fucking stop me?”

Sasuke walked over and punched Naruto in the shoulder, enough for him to lose his stance.

“You realize I could stop you, I am the Hokage after all.”

“Do that and I will fucking leave Konoha, I am not a damn child Naruto.”

Naruto pushed Sasuke out of his space and walked back into the living room.

“I just wished you would give a shit Sasuke, about me about your family that’s here, your fucking daughter for God sake.”

“Oh, my lord Naruto not this again with Sarada, she is a ninja, she needs to learn that accepting to be a ninja, means you accept the fact that you work alone, that death is likely to occur and that being a ninja is not all fun and games.”

“Do you just not care about her? Don’t you want her to have the family that you and I never had growing up?”

“Look at us Naruto, we are considered some of the strongest Ninja’s in the world, I think not growing up with a father that babies her will be good for her. I am not here to place a bandage on her every time she falls.”

Naruto started to cry, anger seeping out of him this time, no longer containing itself, just falling out in hot tears. “Don’t you care at all Sasuke? Can’t you find it in that cold heart of yours to see that this is wrong, staying here and taking care of your family should be your priority over fighting. Sasuke if you walk out, you are walking out on her and me.”

Naruto started to wipe away his tears, “last time you broke Sarada’s and Sakura’s hearts when you left, now you are going to include me in the equation?”

Sasuke looked at Naruto with dark eyes, full of mixed emotions. “I am not walking out on you,, I am fucking serving Konoha, and if you are the Hokage then you should start fucking acting like it. I am going Naruto, end of discussion.”

*End flashback*

-

Naruto sadly looked at his paper work, he highlighted a few lines and wrote some notes on a spare piece of paper.

He had no idea what will happen when Sasuke come back. If he ever does. Word is the threat of war is no more since the Hidden Leaf and Sand Village aided the Hidden Mist. Even though the threat is gone, many of Konoha’s elite shinobi decided to stay to aid in the relocation and safe keeping of villagers. Naruto heard from one of the reports that Sasuke was in that small group which volunteered themselves to stay.

But it scared Naruto, he hadn’t heard anything from Sasuke since he left, besides the mandatory scrolls each shinobi assigned to help must send back, but a letter full of battle description is not much of a heart felt piece.

He started to worry long ago whether Sasuke would return, and if he did would they still be together? Naruto missed him immensely, but every growing day he started to think Sasuke would never return home.  Many shinobi started arriving back to Konoha one by one. Each handing in their last assignment reports, the only ones left were about 7 elite shinobi. Each willingly staying to aid in any way possible on their own accord.

Naruto could only start to think that Sasuke was delaying coming back because he didn’t want to see Naruto or that he just was delaying the inevitable break up talk with Naruto.

It had been driving Naruto mad, he has no idea if he would get his boyfriend back, but he knew as much as he loved Sasuke all he needed was for him to walk through that door, safe and unharmed. He wouldn’t stop him if he wanted to break up, because Naruto wanted him to be happy, and if he was too much for him, getting too attached and emotionally invested in Sasuke was not his cup of tea then he wouldn’t stop him.

Naruto tried not to think about it, because the sheer idea of Sasuke wanting out from their relationship made his whole body feel like small daggers were cutting into every vein and vessel in his body. His heart started to clench into a tight hold and his lungs collapsed slowly until he felt like no oxygen was being circulated in his body anymore. So, before Naruto literally passed out he had to keep his mind distracted, “keep working, keep writing, think about your job, the people you're protecting”.

Naruto had to repeat this in his head every day to distract himself from sheer pain and extreme anxiety attacks, it actually helped significantly and he had surprisingly been doing very well at his job considering Sasuke and Kakashi were gone on this mission.  

-

*1 week later*

Naruto opened his saggy eyes, his head throbbed loudly and the left side of his face was deformed due to sleeping on his wooden table again. He looked around to see the sunlight trickling in from the outside, the papers he had on his table had smudged red stains from his pen being left open. He stretched out his strained back muscles and scratched the top of his hair.

He looked at each corner of the room, empty spaces, no life, just stacks upon stacks of paperwork. Filled documents, signed contacts, each finished and completed.

Naruto had done nothing but works since Sasuke left, he could do nothing else to distract himself. He needed to fill his mind with something. It was about a week ago when he started working from sunrise to sunset, no breaks, just full work.

Only 2 days ago had he completely given up on going home and would either fall asleep on the wooden table or crash on the couch where Sasuke used to sit.

Everyone was worried about him, he was clearly overworking himself and everyone could see it besides himself. But he was too stubborn to actually listen to anyone, he just kept working and working until he literally dropped.

It had been nearly 1 month and 3 weeks since Sasuke left for the mission and every single shinobi sent off to the relief mission had returned back, the only ones left were Kakashi and Sasuke. No word had been heard from both of them and Naruto was starting to lose his mind. The last thing he heard was from Ino who was the most recent shinobi to return, she mentioned that Sasuke and Kakashi had decided to stay until the whole village had been relocated even though there were only a handful of people left and the mist where fully capable of relocating them.

Naruto got out of his seat walking sleepily towards the door, looking at the floor solemnly, one foot after each other.

He walked out of the Hokage room towards the coffee machine in the kitchen, at this point he was a vessel of caffeine, needing 5 to 10 cups of coffee per day to keep him up with his crazy new schedule.

As he waited for the water to boil he chucked 3 teaspoons of coffee blend into his Hokage number 1 cup.

“You know that caffeine is bad for you right?”

Naruto’s eyes widened, he knew that sarcastic almost farther tone of voice.

“Kakashi!” Naruto nearly jogged over to him and enveloped him in a bear hug. “I can’t believe you’re here, I’ve missed you. Where have you been? What happened? How come you stay for so long?”

Kakashi looked at Naruto with unfounded happiness, “Oh Naruto I never thought I ever say this, but damn I have missed you too and your annoying voice.”

Naruto and Kakashi patted each other on the back and stepped aside letting out manly coughs to subdue the fact that they were acting all mushy. Naruto looked across to his coffee and poured a second cup for Kakashi, he started to place the coffee blend into Kakashi’s mug whilst he begged his mouth to open, to say something, ask about the one thing he cared about.

“Kakashi…” Naruto gulped down on his fear, “where’s Sasuke?”

Naruto turned around to pass Kakashi his drink, he saw the one thing he had been dreading. That look, of misery, despair, sorrow.

“Um, he came back with me, but he said he wanted to go to the house first.”

Kakashi tried to look away from Naruto, but Naruto wasn’t standing down he was looking directly at him. He wasn’t going to let this kill him, he was Hokage and he was not going to break again.

“Oh, that’s a shame, well I should be getting back to work. But take the whole week off, rest Kakashi you deserve it.”

Kakashi quickly bolted his hands out to stop Naruto from leaving, “wait Naruto, are you sure? Isn’t there a lot of work to do since Sasuke and I  have been away?”

Naruto started to dryly laugh, a fake laugh which he had perfected after many years, “nope, I actually worked triple hard since you two left, I am actually a week ahead of schedule, so take a week off come back in on Monday for work okay?”

Naruto looked at Kakashi and smiled, a smile which said I need to be alone right now, a smile which was trying so very hard to cover the rushing pain that lingered underneath.

Kakashi started to slowly walk away, “only is your sure?”

Naruto was about to open the door which lead him to his office, but he lingered at the handle looking down the corridor watching Kakashi slowly walk away. “Kakashi can you please do me a favour?”

Kakashi nearly whipped his head around, “of course anything.”

“Can you please go tell Sasuke that he doesn’t need to return to work if he wishes not to.”

Kakashi excitement faded, his shoulder slumping downwards towards the floor, “oh, I understand.”

Naruto walked into his room and slammed the door behind him, he walked forwards towards his table with incredible force pushing him forward. Today he was going to work himself to the bone, whether it killed him or not, he was the Hokage, and like Sasuke said, he was going to act like it.

-

*30 minutes later*

After finishing yet another stack of paperwork Naruto’s mind started to waver from the blurring amount of lines in his paperwork and all the calculations which had muddled all in Naruto’s mind.

He couldn’t stop the thought arising in his brain, almost developing like a pastry in his head, until he could longer compress it.

‘Was Sasuke moving out? Was that the reason why he didn’t come here, because he wanted to move his stuff out before Naruto got home? Was he really leaving? Why didn’t he come see me first? Why was this happening? Why does his heart keep being broken apart into a million pieces? Why him? What the fuck did he do wrong to deserve this? Why Sasuke? Why?’

Naruto shook his head aggressively to get the thought out of his head. He looked down at the paper with such aggression, as if burning the paper with his vision alone. He had to work harder, faster and longer.

If Sasuke was leaving because he didn’t act like the Hokage, then he was going to work to the bone until Sasuke has to take back that shitty statement.

Naruto stood up with such aggression that the wooden chair scratched against the floor, he took the pile of paperwork he had just finished and placed it on the floor. He placed a sticky note on it to remind him what the paperwork was for and what day cabinet it was meant to go into.

He started to look around the room and realized that his entire floor was now nearly enveloped in stacks of paper. He curiously looked at the floor, trying to concoct a plan for organizing this mess.

*

5pm

Naruto could finally see the floor, he brushed off some dust that accumulated on his hands, he smirked at the floor, looking down at it in triumph.

He let out a sigh thinking to himself that sooner or later he will run out of things to do to distract him. He can’t live the rest of his life trying to pretend like this is all okay, that working himself till he literally collapses is fine, but what else was he meant to do? What could subdue that loud voice in his head telling him he's not fine, that his heart is hurting more than he could express, that his whole heart was slowly dying because of one man?

How can he tell the people of his village that he can no longer work because he was heartbroken? He was being stupid and immature, he wasn’t a kid anymore, he had to stop being so involved in romance and just let go and move on. Maybe he needed to be more like Sasuke, just don’t have emotions at all.

“Naruto, Sir”?

Naruto turned around in shook

“Sorry Shizune, I did not see you there, are you okay?”

Shizune looked worried, she shyly raised her shoulders and wriggled on the spot in discomfort.

“Uh I just got a call.”

Naruto looked at her with great worry, what did she just hear?

“Shizune, what is it? You can tell me.”

“Well… Sasuke just called.”

Naruto started to hyperventilate, did Sasuke just break up with him over the office phone? Was he calling to tell Naruto he was leaving the house, or worse was he hurt?

“He wishes to talk to you, hes on line 1.”

Naruto gulped down a whole ball of anxiety, smiled the fakest smile he could possible manage to do and thanked Shizune and walked over to the phone on his desk to answer.

He felt every step towards that phone was literally stepping him further and further away from the desk. He heard the door shut as Shizune left, the sound of the door shutting echoed in his ears.

Why did the room suddenly feel so small and dark? Why couldn’t he move his feet anymore? Why was that red phone on his table so scary, so threatening? It was just a phone, nothing less, nothing more. It wasn’t a robber or a villain here to tear Naruto and the village apart, then why was it so ominously sitting on the table?

His hands started to shake a little as he went in to grab the phone.

He pressed line 1 and picked it up, he could hear irrational breathing and shaking.

Naruto knew this was it, this phone call would lead to his death.

“Sasuke?”

Naruto could hear Sasuke’s breath exhalate anxiously on the line when he heard his name.

“Naruto, uh Hi.”

“Long time no see, are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine…”

Naruto was gripping the phone so tightly, he almost felt like any more strength and he was going to break the phone in half.

“Why are you calling, I’m at work, and Kakashi already told me you’re not coming in, so you didn’t need to call to say you’re not coming in, I don’t need you in anyways.”

“No, Naruto I’m not calling for work, umm…”

Naruto’s heart was racing a million miles per hour, his eyes had already started burning, he couldn’t take this any longer.

“Sasuke for fuck sake just say what’s on your mind, this is killing me.”

“I need you to come home.”

Naruto’s eyes widened, why did he have to come now? Did he want to leave Naruto face to face? Did he want the glory to watch Naruto crumble at his feet in defeat?

“What? Why?”

“I have something really important to talk to you about.”

“What?”

“I have to do this face to face Naruto, can you come?”

“Yer, I'll be there in 5.”

Naruto hanged up the line before Sasuke could say another word.

He started to cry heavily, gripping onto his heart with his hands. He slowly collapsed to the ground in pain, he no longer held it in, he just started to sob.

“Why Sasuke!? Why!?”

He couldn’t believe this was it, he was going to go home and get dumped. Everything he had worked for, all the lying at the start, all the insecurities what was it all for? He thought it would be forever with Sasuke, he thought he found his happiness.

Why him? Hasn’t he already gone through enough? Hasn’t he already been tortured enough?

“Why is the fucking world against me?!”

Naruto stood up, wiped his tears away aggressively, he angrily walked over to the window and opened it, he applied a large force of chakra to his feet and  sky rocketed out towards his house, bouncing from roof to roof so quickly that you could barely see him.

-

*7pm

Naruto looked at his house through the forest, all lit up, so welcoming and warm. But it wasn’t, the house was holding the one person who had all the kryptonite to defeat Naruto, the power to finally kill the light he carried.

If Naruto is the sun and Sasuke the moon, then today, this house, this moment would be a solar eclipse, the moon finally blocking out the sun.

Naruto took slow steps forward, afraid of the house and the man inside. Afraid of the pain that would follow after opening the front door.

But alas even though his mind was saying run away, his legs walked forward towards his doom.

Sooner or later he was in front of his door, looking down at the welcome mat thinking to himself, Kakashi and Shizune looked so miserably down and solemn when they talked to Naruto, did Sasuke already tell them he was leaving Naruto? How many people knew about this, was the whole village laughing behind Naruto’s back, waiting for his heart break?

Was no one kind enough to tell him Sasuke was going to rip out his heart on this day, on the solar eclipse?

Naruto started to turn the handle, fearful of what lay on the other side. But he walked forward into the house anyways, he had to get this over and done.

-

As he slowly closed the door behind him he found Sasuke already waiting for him at the kitchen table.

He looked at Naruto with tired and drained eyes.

“Sasuke, care to tell me what this is all about? Because I have been wracking my brain for so long and I just… need this to stop.”

Sasuke got up from his seat and walked over to Naruto, he looked down to the ground, like he was struggling to say the next few words. He raised his head up and bit down on his lips.

“Sasuke?”

“Naruto, I have thought long and hard about this, but I believe this is what I want to do…”

Naruto started to clench his fist, he knew the next couple of words will be the bullets which would finally silence his heart. He felt his chest contracting against him, pulling and pushing harshly against his rib cage.

He wasn’t ready to die.

“Naruto…”  Sasuke said whilst slowly getting down on one knee.

-silence-

“Will you marry me?”

[inkinghubris]

Ep. 49: Fluff, Filler or Fundamental? Knowing Which Words to Add

Episode 49: Fluff, Filler or Fundamental?

Today we discuss how and when to use fluff words or filler words in your story. Choosing the right method can be the difference between a best selling novel and a book that never gets published. Get the details here! You can listen to the episode right here. The transcription is below the player. Feel free to add your comments using the comment section below.    

Episode 49 Transcript

Note: Transcripts are generated using a combination of speech recognition software and humans, as such, it may contain errors. Please, double-check the audio file before quoting anything from this page.   Introduction 00:00 I once ran a little test with some students to find out how they would describe a certain portion of a scene. The results were mixed, which I was expecting. What bothered me the most, though, was that the words used weren’t the right words. Today, I want to cover this little test and explain how and when to use the right words when you are filling out your story. Stay tuned, I’ll be right back. 00:34 01:01 Here is what I am going to do. I will recap the scene writing test for those of you that want to play along. I will set up the scene as I did for the students and explain what you need to do. If you want to play along, you can then pause the podcast while you write out your words. If you do not want to play along, then there is no need to pause the podcast. However, you are boring and you will have to bring your own snacks to our future parties.   Let Me Set the Scene 01:32 Ready? Okay. The scene takes place in the middle of a suspenseful thriller novel. We are nearing the climax of the main plot, where the protagonist is heading into the antagonist’s hideout for the big confrontation.

Abandoned lots can be cool... or creepy 01:48 This particular scene starts with the main character driving to an old, abandoned shopping mall. It is mid-day but the weather is dreary. In our rough draft, we have the protag driving up, parking in the parking lot and heading inside the mall. This is the part we need to add more words to. 02:13 Your job is to write this part of the scene, from the car entering the area and parking in the parking lot. I want you to describe the parking lot for the reader. 02:26 If you are playing along, go ahead and pause the podcast and get to work. If you are not playing along, I’m still mad at you and giving you a dirty look that you can’t see because this isn’t video.   Shall We Evaluate Your Work? 02:41 And we are back. Through the magic of audio, we have just traveled in time to a point where you have the assignment completed. For you it was several minutes, but for me it was a fraction of a second. I am an expert time traveler, so don’t try this at home.

Did you add the stray cat looking for food in your fluff and filler? 02:56 Now, before I tell you that you did this wrong, I am going to make a few guesses. Let’s see. You wrote about the deserted lot with the cracked and uneven pavement. You may have talked about how much grass or weeds are growing up through the asphalt. You might have mentioned the parking lot lights that are not working, maybe flickering, or the lenses are shattered and broken glass covers the ground. 03:28 Maybe you went into detail about the sounds the tires made as the main character drove slowly through the abandoned black top and that they didn’t worry about parking between the lines that are faded with time and exposure to the elements. 03:44 If I had to guess, you have between 200 and 500 words written about this parking lot. Maybe more. Am I close? Did you try extra hard to make this parking lot come to life? Maybe you threw in a few random animals running around or looking for nibbles?   You Probably Did it Wrong 04:07 If so, then you did it wrong. Don’t worry. It is a good exercise and if you concentrated on making that mental movie projector in your reader’s mind come on, good job. The problem here, is that you missed the entire point of this scene. 04:30 The scene takes place, if you recall, as we approach the climax. The hero is about to square off against the villain. The reader has been waiting for this confrontation for 200 or so pages, and you want to slow the whole thing down to accurately describe a fucking parking lot? 04:51 Fluff and filler do have their place. There are scenes and situations when we need to be more descriptive and poetic in our words. There are certain scenes when we need to stretch a two-sentence description into a three-page filler. This test, though, is not one of those times.   Fluff and Filler can be Too Much 05:15 One of the biggest mistakes I see is that writer’s want to fluff and fill every single page. This is nice in the beginning of the book, where you are bringing the reader into the world. Their entry point needs to be a nice landing (or a very sharp and abrupt one, depending on your mood).

Adding fluff and filler can be good, when done correctly. 05:39 As we ease them into the lives of our characters and they get to know everyone around and the actions these people are taking, our readers cherish fluffy scenes full or poetry and details. 05:54 As the story moves along, though, you need to get your ass in gear. If you have a reader so hooked that they are turning pages fast enough to start a fire, and you throw 300 words at them about a parking lot, you are going to piss off a lot of people.   Decide Where to Fluff and Fill 06:12 The first step in knowing which words to use and when to fluff or fill, is knowing what is at stake. The one thing you cannot do is get these massive story wheels rolling downhill and then slam on the breaks. Perhaps the only thing that will close a book faster is writing about shiny vampires. 06:38 Unless you, too, are marketing to 12 year-old girls who still write tiny hearts instead of a dot over their i’s, each scene will dictate what needs fluff and filler and what needs to get the fuck on with it, already.   Creating a Fluff and Filler Formula 06:54 Let’s see if we can find some winning formula. Of course, your own writing style, as well as the genre, purpose of your book and the scene you are writing will all dictate what needs to be said, there are some basic guidelines we can use. 07:12 First, let’s grab the old dictionary and define these terms. Fluff is the use of poetry and prose to lengthen or expand a sentence. I refer you to the common “show versus tell” example from Anton Chekhov. “Don’t tell me the moon is shining, show me the glint of light on the broken glass.” 07:42 This is an example of fluff. Filler is using extra words to say the same thing without being flowery. To piggyback from Chekhov, instead of fluff, the sentence with filler would be: Don’t tell me the moon is full, show me the light through a window. 08:08 Neither example is wrong. Neither is right. It is a matter of what you are writing and how important it is to the story. You will hear a lot of old timers telling you to move the story forward. Every word should push the reader to the next one.

Always work to move your story forward. The right speed and cadence is mandatory. 08:28 To an extent, I agree with this. However, there also needs to be a welcoming, comforting feeling to your book. So, we start our books with the proper landing for the reader. You have to remember, our story takes place at a certain point along a timeline. The characters were doing their thing long before page one, and will continue to do their thing long after the end of that story.   Think Like a Reader 09:03 As the writer, you decide where the story starts. It should be in a spot along that timeline where the reader can be dropped in safely. You want them to have the time and opportunity to get to know their new surroundings, meet their new friends and understand what is going on (the plot) and why it is happening (the stakes). 09:32 In these chapters fluff is more prevalent that filler. We ease them into our story and writing style. We start giving them questions they need to have answered and this is what propels the story forward. 09:50 By the time our main character pulls into that abandoned parking lot, the stakes are too high, the plot is at its peak and the reader doesn’t need or want your fluffy words. 10:04 You still have to set the scene, of course, but now is when fluff is eliminated and filler is only used on an as-needed basis. Is it important that the parking lot is abandoned? Not at all. We can add a broken down truck to the middle of the lot if we wanted. We can add all the broken glass that cracks under the main characters feet as they rush to the boarded up front doors of the mall. 10:34 We can use these filler words to show the truck and the broken glass, or the weeds, or those branches from last weeks storm. The best way to do it, though, is to have the character notice them. Perhaps she checks the truck for a weapon or to make sure no one is hiding near it. You can put that dilapidated truck in the lot, but it doesn’t need to be poetic or take up 2 pages of the climax. Get on with the story!   It's a Roller Coaster!

Picture your plot line as a roller coaster. 11:10 After the climax, when we are coming down the other side of that story arc, we can once again make the landing a bit softer. Of course you want to be careful here, too. Too much fluff and filler can lead to a bad ending. 11:28 I always like to imagine my story is a roller coaster. At this point the giant loop-de-loop is over and the reader is trying to catch their breath and slow their heart rate. I may throw in a few small turns on the roller coaster track, but nothing too serious. 11:48 Filler works well here, instead of fluff. It is still soft and welcoming, but it's not enveloping. If we go right from the climax where fluff and filler are nearly non-existent, and start using a lot of fluff again, the landing will be too jarring. Ease your reader into that next slow turn before you ramp it up again.   Trial and Error and Beta Readers 12:19 Playing with fluff and filler can be difficult. This is where trial and error along with utilizing Beta readers, will come in to play. The best course, though, is to picture yourself as the reader along this journey you are creating. 12:40 Start by giving them the absolute essentials; location, time of day, clothing, vocabulary, a mission. From there, decide how much of that scene needs to be expanded. You want to make each scene inviting and complete, but if it stall the story, then less is more. 13:05 Play around with your descriptions and actions, along with your dialog. If you are still having trouble, stop by the blog and let me know what’s going on and I will help you get it sorted. Just leave a comment and we will get you back on track. 13:22 Until next week kids, have fun; write words. 13:28   #learntowrite #lovewriting #authentic #writersclub #readingabook #writerlife #writersblog #writerssoul #amwriting #amwritingfiction #yalit #amediting #writerproblems #lifeofawriter #stationary #journaling #planning #writerscommunity #typewriter #writerslife #writersblock #screenwriter #typewriterpoetry #writercommunity #literature #ExtraDraft Read the full article

[starsofshadowanddust]

Bookish Tag Questions!

AW YEAH! BOOK STUFF!

Tagged by the astonishing @acfawkes!

1. Which book has been on your shelves the longest?

If it is a book I purposefully bought, then probably Sandry’s Story by Tamora Pierce but on shelves in general then probably Diana of the Crossroads.

2. What is your current read, your last read, and the book you’ll read next?

so i actually just finished a book titled Knit One Girl Two by Shira Glassman AND IT WAS AMAZING! The book before that was The Antagonists by Burgandi Rakoska which was also terrific! The next book on my list is The Little White Horse by Elizabeth Goudge because I was flipping through my netflix and had a sudden realization that secret of moonacre was based on a book and i love my fantasy - cheesy and otherwise. 

3. What book does everyone like and you hated?

oh god there are actually a lot of these.... confession I have never made it through the Harry Potter series (yes, I know, I’m a terrible human BUT I GAVE IT AN HONEST TRY). I really hated slave, warrior, queen as I found that the lead was very strong willed and then ended up very passive and submissive at the end which was disappointing. I tried the winners curse series and didn’t really like it. imma leave it at that...

4. Which book do you keep telling yourself you’ll read, but you probably won’t?

ummmm on my digital shelf, there are a lot of books there that I probably won’t get to. On my actual shelf... I’ve actually read everything on there sooo... Im actually pretty spontaneous in my reading...

5. Which book are you saving for “retirement”?

shakespeare marathon and working my way up to Dragonbone Chair. I don’t know, I’ll probably end up writing my own stories in my head during retirement cause I won’t be able to use my hands or hear an audiobook! 

6. Last page: read it first or wait til the end?

Depends on the book, but in most cases I’ll wait till the end! The only times I will check the ending is if I am reading with someone else and am keeping an eye out for triggers.

7. Acknowledgements: waste of ink and paper or interesting aside?

I actually love reading the acknowledgements and all the other weird little things before and after the book! Getting to know the author can change the way you see a book which I find fascinating! :)

8. Which book character would you switch places with?

Thianna Frostborn. Not only is she amazingly sarcastic and smart, she is half frost giant which would be SO MUCH FUN!!!! The adventures she ends up on are so much fun and only have minor physical damage!

9. Do you have a book that reminds you of something specific in your life (a person, a place, a time)?

I actually have a lot of these! The first one that comes to mind is Arrows of the Queen by Mercedes Lackey which is one of the first fantasy books I read that are closer to the adult than young adult realm (see book three chapter 8) and this book was passed down to me from my mom who read it around the same age. It was one of the first books that I accidentally “missed” class in and its always been a comfort for me.

10. Name a book you acquired in some interesting way.

 I got the book Wait Till Helen Comes from my elementary school librarian (who has unfortunately passed away and im still sad about that) who taught me how the right book can change your view on life and on reading. All of us library helpers got to choose a book and this was the first time someone gave me a book that wasn’t a family member. Only problem was that during the creepy ghost scene my black cat was in my very dark room and knocked over my stack of books the same time the ghost knocked over a stack of books in the book... needless to say, its not a book I read much now!

... also, I “borrowed” my dad’s copy of Death in Yellowstone when I was 7/8... I wasn’t supposed to read it but it remains one of my favorites.

11. Have you ever given away a book for a special reason to a special someone?

nope. I’m very possessive of my books. any books that have left my possession were either loaned, or I traded, or I got money for. I like books...

12. Which book has been with you to the most places?

Probably Death in Yellowstone as it came with us on our trip back home from yellowstone... besides that, I travel mostly with ebooks as you can store more in less space!

13. Any “required reading” you hated in high school that wasn’t so bad ten years later?

I no longer have a grudge against The Odyssey which is probably because the second read through wasn’t forced into two weeks with really detailed quizzes that killed my grade. All other books that I hated, I still have. peace like a river can still go burn in a hole (I have a poem about this book if anyone wants) and stargirl was a very terrible book. I DETEST it.

14. What is the strangest item you’ve ever found in a book?

well I worked at the school library first period so I’ve seen quite a few things. There have been several bathroom passes, a couple photographs, a crap ton of phone numbers... There was a book about teen pregnancy found in the girls bathroom and that was pretty awkward. Strange, however, not really. 

15. Used or brand new?

both! If I really like a book, I will buy a new copy but for anything else I love used because it makes sitting in a corner like a creepy person less lonely because the previous reader probably did too!

16. Stephen King: Literary genius or opiate of the masses?

While I haven’t personally read any King, I know for a fact that they aren’t checked out all that much at the high school level at a high school library. I would say that like any author, if the reader gets through it and enjoyed it - that author is a genius.

17. Have you ever seen a movie you liked better than the book?

well the Harry Potter series but that is just because i could never make it through (which is really annoying but not annoying enough for me to force my way through the books) but besides that, not really

18. Conversely, which book should NEVER have been introduced to celluloid?

well a lot of the YA popular series in my personal opinion. Twilight is definitely up there. There are probably a lot of terrible movies that I have watched jokingly that were originally books that I don’t know about. 

19. Have you ever read a book that’s made you hungry, cookbooks being excluded from this question?

not really... I often forget to eat and forget that oh hey! my body is hungry and I should probably eat when I’m reading. 

20. Who is the person whose book advice you’ll always take?

my old elementary librarian when he was still alive, and my mom. She is an english major/poetry minor so we don’t have a lot in common (Im going into geophysical engineering) but holy crap are her books good! and I get really excited about books and will read just about anything. I also have a problem where if I’ve started a series I really hate to not finish it so I’ve read an entire trilogy in two days because all books had to be back at the school library for summer.

Tagging: @bookishnessnessness @courtofglassandfire @beyondthestonewalls @stinti @intj-writer @swerpl @stinti @where-the-wild-dreams-grow @th3neighborhood-onparadiseway @goldkirk @observethewalrus and anyone else who wants to share their love of books!

[speckeh]

2017 Book List

BACK AT IT AGAIN. JUMP IN THE CAR!!! I’M STILL READING A SHIT TON OF BOOKS!!!!

1. How It Works: The Cat. 2.5/5 stars. I read this at a book store in Bergen because my brother laughed while he read it. I picked it up and it was ok?? I don’t understand why people who write about cats always, ALWAYS talk about how much of an asshole they are and how they don’t truly love you. And I just sit there like, have you ever owned a fucking cat??? Some parts of the book was super cute but I hate the trope that cats are “assholes.” yeah they’re dicks sometimes. But they’re not assholes 24/7 unless you’re an asshole to your cat.

2. The Greenest Island. 3.5/5 stars. This is another small book that I’ve been meaning to read for a couple of months now. It was pretty interesting and like Mrs. Dalloway I read last year, I’m not sure if I want to sell it or keep it. It’s beautifully written, the story is strong, but some of the characterization is just sort of annoying. Like I get that it’s a very real sensation and issue a young couple who get pregnant WAY TOO SOON without knowing each other. But only a man would think of something so drastic as the end in reference to raising a child. 

3. Letters for Lucardo: 5/5 stars. I saw this comic advertised early in 2016 and I’ve been watching the project closely. I help funding the gofundme and I bought a download and a signed copy of the physical book. The story about a 60 year old man falling in love with a Vampire stuck at the age of 36 was SO INTRIGUING plus the artist had a webcomic which I absolutely adored so I knew not only would the art be excellent but the storyline would be solid. This is one of four volumes and I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED. The story line was so cute, the art was beautiful, the smut was *mwah* beautiful. But the best part was that it left me wanting for me and I can’t WAIT until the next three volumes are here. Support your local tumblr artist and enjoy some gay vampire storylines with well drawn wrinkly aging men. 10/10, 100/100 please read and enjoy.

4. A Special Study Set of Fine Art Reproductions. 4/5 stars. A little black spiral bound book of black and white copies of famous art works. It’s cute, it’s a good bite sized art book to get the gist of Western Art history. I knocked it down because the art pieces are in black and grey when I know for a FACT some art pieces are in color. So that was a bummer. But overall a nice rendition of some of the classics.

5. Alphonse Mucha: Masterworks. 5/5 stars. I bought this book probably 2 years ago? I’m in a reading funk right now and flipping through art books seems pretty doable. This book is chalked full of history of Mucha while I will read later. But the art quality is excellent, the sizes are big enough to view with pleasure. This is a excellent excellent book full of his art work. I love it. It makes me feel better for the fact I’ve only been drawing girls for the last year because I love drawing delicate features and strong women. If Mucha can just draws women for most of his career, I don’t have to feel guilty in only drawing women for a year.

6. Assassin’s Creed: A Visual History. 5/5 stars. Ok I’m going to repeat this over and over again. But I’m such a fan of the AC series, even if the latest editions have been a u t t e r let down. But I have to admit flipping through this book I got emotional. AC was such a fun series for me when I started and it helped me through a manic depression I had after a very serious illness almost 3 years ago. I don’t pretend the history is accurate or the plot lines are all there, but they means so much to me. As a history lover to the point I’m getting a Minor in college in history. I’ll always enjoy my AC games, no matter how cringe worthy and disappointing some of them end up becoming. Shout out to my boys (and girls) of the assassin creed order. <3 

7. The Art of Howl’s Moving Castle: 5/5 stars. I’ve had this book for a long time, when my childhood best friend and I would hang out nearly every day and sleep overs every weekend. She gave me this book a few months after I watched Howl’s Moving Castle because I was so enchanted by the movie. Howl’s Moving Castle is a favorite movie, book, and soundtrack. This art concept book is beautiful, it’s like a novelization of the movie without any dialogue. The back is the FULL script, there’s concept art, and fully fledged art story boards. If you’re a big fan of Howl’s Moving Castle, this is a great book to have in your library.

8. Tango! The Dance, The Song, The Story. 5/5 stars. My father lived in Argentina for awhile so he would make dishes growing up of delicious food. I love the tango, it’s so beautiful and down right seductive. So of course finding this book for 4 dollars I had to have it. It has photography, drawings, posters, female tango singers, the history of the tango. It’s chalked full of excellent information and it’s really enjoyable to flip through. 

9. Why Cats Paint: A Theory of Feline Aesthetics. 5/5 stars. I bought this book for my birthday last year because it was absolutely silly. It features “Cat Artists” and their aesthetics and their art pieces. Warning there are mummified cats in the beginning of the book which can be upsetting. This book is really goofy and the people who write it are serious but in a fun way? It’s a great book to read like today when I’m stuck in the house because of bad weather and having my own two cats it makes me curious to see if I could make my kiddos paint like those kitties in the book.

10. Life: The Classic Collection. 5/5 stars. A decent sized photography book of the most recognizable Life photographs. Not to forget there are 25 extra prints available for you in the book you can take out and frame. I love editorial photography and seeing the most iconic photos throughout the century. Idk man if you like photography and Life Magazine this is a great book to have.

11. Fashion: A History from the 18th to the 20th century. 5/5 stars. Beautiful book. Beautiful clothes. 

12. The Pharos Gate. 4.5/5 stars. I saw this book at Barnes and Noble early in 2016 and the intrigue had me thinking about it for awhile. I bought it for christmas, waiting to read it in right time. Early on this week I went to my favorite second hand book store and found out it had 3 books before this one. The Pharos Gate is the final book in a series but it can be read by itself. To be honest I think if I had to read the three books before this I would have become bored. That’s three books worth of people trying to find each other but keep missing connections, that’s infuriating. But this book was lovely and the letter writing kind of reminds me of the letters my best friend and I send to one another. She just went back to school and I think she would really enjoy this book so I’m going to send it to her with my own letter attached. I think she’ll like that. 

13. Pirateology. 4/5 stars. These series were my SHIT as a kid. Dragonolgy, Greek Myths, Pirateology. While Hastings went under and into ruins, I found this book for super super cheap. I have certain niches I love to learn/read/aesthetic. Regency, 1950s murder mystery (Looking at you 007), Westerns, weird vintage novels, and pirates. I love the history the book gives you, but as an adult the information is sort of lacking. This is a book definitely for kids, the plot line throughout the guide book is meh it’s ok but it doesn’t capture you, and the interactive bits are the best. I just wish there was more about specific pirates but other than those complaints this is a great book.

14. Viking Poetry: Of Love and War. 5/5 stars. I went to Norway for New Years and I didn’t buy a lot of souvenirs. I mostly bought key chains. I think I only bought two books, maybe even just the one. I bought this viking poetry at THE famous viking ship in Oslo. It was very very cool. I read this book today because I don’t feel well, I want to go to bed but I know I shouldn’t. I have too much homework to do but I’m not motivated to read. The viking poems are unique as they are pretty. I was sometimes disappointed they didn’t have great rhyming schemes but you have to remember these were written in various old languages and then translated into modern day English. If you want to read what the vikings considered poetry, this is a great introduction without reading the giant lores.

15. The Elements of Style: 5/5 stars. Oh my god it’s been so long I completely forgot what my book tag was. February has been crazy for me. I got a internship, I dropped a class because of stress, I’ve been stressed out like crazy, I’ve been doing a lot of school work. I felt like I’ve had no time to read for pleasure. I actually didn’t read this book for please (half pleasure) but for work. It was actually a lot of fun. We studied this book in AP Literature when I was a senior in highschool and I wanted to have it for myself as a writer, but also it’s excellent for my ambitions to become an editor. The writing is a little hard, sometimes I’d read a whole page without really absorbing what was on it. But it was interesting and you can read White’s frustration with writers with certain rules they ignored. I actually loved the add on V chapter by Strunk which said that English rules are extremely important but take in mind the language of your time and how you write. Your voice is important. Which I found very important and also felt like an eye opener with Editing for my job. I’ve been wary of making sure not to change anyone’s voice but also trying to keep with proper English rules. It’s been a lot of fun.

16. The Last Wish: Introducing the Witcher: 5/5 stars. This book took me me almost 2 full months to read. I’ve been so busy. I first started reading this book before my trip to Norway, took it all the way across Europe, back and I finally finally finished it today. I don’t know why it took me so long? I absolutely loved it. I played Witcher 3 last semester and really really loved the story line and characters. My sister-in-law loves the books so I gave it a try! I would definitely recommend this book if you like spins on fairytales and medieval magical worlds. I had a lot of fun but I’m glad I can finally pick a new book.

17. Shackleton: Antartic Odyssey: 4/5 stars. Today has been a recovery day and I’m, emotionally dead/it comes in waves. So I spent like 5 hours in a bath today and read this comic. The art is really good, the story is super intriguing! I was in Norway this last December and we went to a arctic ship museum because Norway was the first to reach the South Pole. But the author even said himself the comic needs to be at least 300 pages but his hand would fall off. And I wish he did do 300 pages. The story was short and choppy. I know it’s selfish, but as a reader I wish he did do his main goal because he had the perfect art style for this comic. Either way, I did enjoy.

18. Creole Folktales: 5/5 stars. If you love mythology, this book is pretty great. If you love Louisiana, black folklore, this book is pretty great. It doesn’t have 5 stars on amazon or goodreads because I think people take issue with the writing or they’ve heard these stories before. This was my first introduction to Creole folktales and I have to say i loved it. The nostalgia of reading different myths is pretty great plus the storylines can be hilarious to kind of terrifying. The author says to read this story by night and I have to agree. I read it all in one sitting this evening and I wouldn’t change that experience. 

19. I Shall Not Be Moved: 5/5 Stars. It’s been awhile since I’ve read a poetry book. Since February I think. Sundays are usually my comic or poetry days and I was in the mood for some poetry. I was going to read this book for Black History Month for my book club (if you wanna join hit me UPP) but February was so crazy and stressful that I couldn’t read anything. So this time I did read a Black Poetress but just for National Poetry month. I loved this book, super powerful and moving. I’ll probably be thinking about this poetry book for a long long time. 

20. Artists and their cats: 3/5 stars. Being stressed out in my finals week means I want to do a lot of book things just so I can procrastinate. I bought this book as a Christmas present for myself. I'm slightly disappointed in it because the book is called Artists and their Cats, but it's really more like, A mini biography of artists and oh, some cat photos. I was expecting heart warming stories about their cats. But no. I loved the photos though which make this book conflicting for me.

21. The Monkees comic book: 5/5 stars. Super cute. I feel bad because Mickey was drawn pretty horrible. But I loved the art. The choppy scenes were kind of hard to get into and that 1960s humor can be kind of cringey but I really really enjoyed it.

22. The Art of Drowning: 5/5 stars. So I was thinking this would have completed my Billy Collin’s reading, but apparently I read this book in 2014! How crazy! Well I read it and enjoyed it. That’s all. 

23. A Queen’s Journey: 4/5 stars. I’ve been having a lot of heart ache for my birth state as of late. I visited Hawaii this time last year since moving when I was 2 and not remembering a single thing about it. Everything fit and I felt like I was home (when I was in the ocean) and it was such a strange feeling. I’ve been missing it hardcore this last month and so I decided if I can’t go to the Island I’d read a book about Hawaii or a Hawaiian. I’m also a book traveler, I bring books on trips and my favorite souvenirs are books. I’m a person who can remember times and feelings by looking at books. This is one of the books I bought while on the big island and haven’t read until now. For the story itself, I definitely give it a solid 4 stars like most people have. The book is unfinished as the author died while writing it. But I actually love how the book ended, the last chapter is perfect for a finale. But everything leading up is meh. Don’t get me wrong, I flew through this book and found it so much fun but it’s written from the perspective of a white entitled reporter who doesn’t really understand Hawaiians but “loves” them because of the Queen. I would have preferred to have a story told from Queen Lili’uokalani’s perspective but it was a nice read.  

24. Lights Out and Away We Go by @naum-e : 5/5 stars. I’ve been following Naume-e for at least a year now and they draw the absolutely cutest/breathtaking spirk doodles on tumblr. When I saw they put up their formula one au book up for sale, I had to get it. They even sent me a sheet of adorable spirk stickers. I love it. The art is so professional, the cover is beautiful! The storyline is short and I wish there was more background and developlement but that’s just me being greedy. Only criticism I would have is that one page would be crisp and saturated black and the next would have a grey tone to it so it wasn’t as sharp. I don’t know if that was due to printing costs or stylistic choice but sometimes it worked, other times it was kind of distracting. Either way I really enjoyed it and loved the art!

(I’ve actually read 44 books but 20 of those are yaoi mangas/I don’t have the energy to type up individual reviews) 

25. And Three Makes Tango. 5/5 stars. I’m doing a summer class and this is a book I picked for a 5-7 page project about censored books. And Three Makes Tango is the true story of two male penguins who fell in love at the New York Zoo. They made headlines when the zoo keepers gave them a fertilized egg which made them the first male couple to raise a baby penguin. It’s super cute and the art is adorable and I can’t wait to write this 5-7 page essay on it.

26. Goldfinger. 4.5/5 stars. I really enjoyed this book! Dr. No was kind of a hot mess with a huge octopus, guano, and the girl not being entirely likable. This book was definitely a treat! It may be kind of boring because the first 150 pages is a slow burn of James finding a guy cheating at cards and like 3 chapters dedicated to just him playing golf. But I really really loved this? The only reason why I don’t give this book 5 stars is because of Bond’s very sexist and homophobic views he suddenly stated out of no where. There were a TON of lesbians in this book, Pussy Galore, Tally, and he seemed ok with them except he was disappointed he couldn’t fuck them. And then said lesbians and gays were all sissies who he had no time for (even though Bond is like super, mega gay for James Bond. SUPER MEGA GAY.) and the ending they made the strictly lesbian badass gangster woman say, “Well I’ve never met a real man before.” and UGH. WHY. I would have given it 5 stars if they had just left Pussy Galore’s lesbian nature alone and not justify it with a “She just needs a strong man.” Also I apparently bought this book for me for Christmas 2015 ahah. 

27. The Mad Kings & Queens, History’s Most Famous Raving Royals: 4/5 stars. I enjoyed this book. It’s marketed as a reference book and it discussed the insane breeding of The Kings and Queens of Europe. This book should really be called, “Inbreeding fucked me up.” because most of the insane issues came from inbreeding lines and madness from parents and grandparents being passed down to their kiddos. But there were several monarchs where I didn’t believe they fit underneath the “mad” title. Like King Henry VIII was just a pissbaby. And there a handful of monarchs included who just had severe depression and anxiety which affected the way they ruled, it doesn’t mean they’re mad. Other than that, it’s a great little book for a quick overview of Europe’s fucked up royalty. 

28. Strike Through The Mask! 2/5 stars. It’s not my favorite poetry book, it had some poems I enjoyed! I bought this from the annual library book sale because it was signed by the author and was super cheap. Though after learning about Peter Viereck, I’m not really sure what I think about him? He’s super conservative and is VERY loud about people being extremist but is sort of seen as an extremist himself. Nothing wrong with that inherently but I’m still not super sure about these poems. A lot of them were about trees talking to humans or other trees. Debating on giving them poetry book to donations because it’s really not my favorite. 

29. For the King: 2/5 stars. The premise of the book is quite interesting! It follows the assassin attack on Napoleon in 1800 on Christmas at Midnight. It cause da wave of destruction, death, horror, and a huge police investigation which resulted in more death and conspiracy. The book did not live up the potential. It kept my interest and it had some great writing, but the characters were flat, the main character was whinny, and the plot was a little jumbled. It was also strange because it’s a historical fiction but also murder mystery but you know who did it by chapter 1 and you follow the policeman’s thoughts and instincts to capture the assassins. It’s weird, there were a lot of strangely written sentences, and it was over all a just ok read.

30. The Old Man and the Sea: 2.5/5 stars. There is a lot to enjoy about The Old Man and The Sea. The story is compelling, the relationship between the old man and the boy is pleasant, and Hemingway has a way of using metaphors and descriptions which are breathtakingly beautiful. But there is also a lot to be disappointed in. It’s a lot of rambling, several sentences could have been edited, and the old man was pretty much senile in the way that he fishes. I read it in one day and still processing it. I’m pretty sure there are a few pages that I didn’t really read, I fell asleep the first 60 pages, and the story doesn’t truly touch me in the way classics usually do. But there is also something oddly charming which makes rating this book more difficult than I thought.

31. The Lost Estate: 5/5 stars. This book has been on my shelf for awhile. I bought it because you can design your own cover once you finish the book, so I bought it not expecting the story to be great but at least I can art a book. This is one of the best reads I’ve read in several months! I loved the story! I loved the characters! It felt like a fantastical children’s story with romance, magic, and French school boys. The chapters were short and the main character has such a charm. The only downside is that the story has a weird time lapse where you’re not really sure how old the kids are or how many years have passed. All in all, I’m really thrilled with this book and it’s easily going on my favorite shelf after I draw the cover!

32. Lunch Poems: 4/5 stars. Frank O’Hara’s poetry isn’t like your classical poetry. He’s irreverant which makes reading his stanzas refreshing and different. There were some poems where they were too strange and convoluted for my taste, ones I wished I could be heard out loud, and there wasn’t anything that punched me in the chest with wowing words, but it did inspire me to write my own poem. And for me, that’s the highest compliment of a poetry book, to make you write poems. I really enjoyed 14 of the poems which is a pretty decent amount to like for me. Billy Collins has the highest likes of poetry for me, and Lang Leav having the least amount of poetry I liked in her book Love & Misadventure. Frank O’Hara was a decent medium for me and a nice introduction for anyone who doesn’t particularly care for “flowery” poetry. My favorites were: Cambridge, Poem (1959), How To Get There, Pistachio Tree At Chateau Noir, and Yesterday Down At The Canal. 

33. Howl And Other Poems: 6/5 stars. Very rarely do I hold a book to my chest after I finish reading it. The books I remember doing this were The Secret Garden, Shadow of the Wind, Pride and Prejudice, and Howl’s Moving Castle. I can add Howl to my list. I first heard of this revolutionary poetry book in one of my university classes about censorship and banned films and literature. We watched the James Franco movie about the whole trial over Howl, and I thought it was pretty, but I didn’t feel a great pull to the way he read the poems. I decided to pick it up for myself and I read it today all the way through. And reading it for myself was something magical and far more touching than the movie could ever produce. All of the poems were a punch to the gut, made me feel something, made me want to create art, and that’s what poetry is supposed to do for you. I may have found my second favorite poet in Allen Ginsberg. This is definitely on my favorite 2017 reads and also in my top 10 favorite books of all time. 

34. Monstress Vol 2: 4.5/5 stars. I agree with the main consensus that the second volume is way better than the first. I actually contemplated getting rid of and stop reading the series because the first volume was very bizarre. But now I’m super invested in it. The story line unfolded in an interesting and made more sense way. The art was gorgeous and dark. THERE WERE SO MANY BADASS WOMEN CHARACTERS. Plus I finally caught on that the cats are called Nekomancer and I’m in love. If you like dark, blood, gore, and creepy storylines, Monstress is a great comic to read. 

35. Furious Love: Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, and the Marriage of the Century. 5/5 stars. I picked this book up back in 2011. I was browsing Barnes and Noble, looking at their new arrival table. I was in 10th grade, newly in high school, and I had watched the movie Cleopatra in my western civilization class. I loved the writing, bought the book, I remember my mom saying “If I had known who the book was about, I wouldn’t have let you bought it.” and I was enjoying myself. Things happened shortly after that had me pausing from reading the book for 6 years. I decided to try to read it over the summer, had summer school, then my beginning of the semester was too crazy to read this book, and after I dropped from one of my classes, I found I had time to read it. I really loved this book. It’s heart wrenching, you feel the love they had for each other, but you also saw the abuse and tragedy that became their relationship. There are only two notes of importance I would say that is this book’s downfall: 1. The book has minor editorial flaws (commas outside of quotes, periods in parenthesis, Earth wasn’t capitalized). 2. The writers are very much infatuated with Richard and Elizabeth, coming to their defense about the scathing reviews. They did a great job, but it also brings into question just how accurate they can be when they’re so emotionally charged about Richard and Elizabeth. If you want to know more about Richard and Elizabeth, how they came to be, their marriage, and how the marriage fell, this is a great book. 

36 + 37: Maus I & II. 5/5 stars. I’ve been wanting to read this collection for years. It has everything I love, history, contrasting colors, and comics. But whenever I found the books, they were full priced and too much for my wallet. Well, a few weeks ago I found the boxset at my local second hand store for 22 bucks. I snatched it. I read the first book on the 29th and the second on the 30th. This, is a heavy story. It’s gut wrenching, it hurts, I nearly cried in book 2, and it’s a poignant story about surviving, the effects of surviving horrible situations, and how it affects your children. The art is beautiful, very symbolic, and doesn't hold back from showing the ugly of WWII. If you want a heavy read to make you think about history and humanity, 100% recommend this comic series.

38. Uncle Remus and Brer Rabbit: 4/5 stars. A classic fairy tale book that I read because one of my friends had it on her shelf and I wanted to read it. It’s very cute, very Peter Rabbit esq. but with more danger and violence to it. It’s not my favorite collection, I didn’t get the warm fuzzies from it, but I did fly through the stories. Though my book is so old that it doesn’t have a publication date and I’m slightly terrified that if it’s from the victorian era that it’s laced with arsenic to make the blue color ahah! But it was cute. A very short fairytale that is chalked full of mythologies of forest creatures and how their distinctive features came to be. 

39. Sword of Destiny (Witcher 1, but technically 2) 5/5 stars.  I’ve been reading this book since the end of October. I don’t know why, but short story compilation books always take me months to read while James Bond takes me 3 days. I think it’s to do with the pacing and the fact the stories tend to be more condensed and I need to think about a book for at least a day before starting a new one. I really enjoyed this book! Having played the games and adored them, I love the character building and foundations in this book! Baby Ciri warms my heart and I fucking called who her parents were in the prologue which I just realized I actually read this year. Much better than “The Last Wish,” and the angsty Yennefer romance just makes the book with its angst and Geralt just hating everything about his life except for Ciri and Yen. 

40. Bing Love: 3/5 stars. I saw a GoFundMe post for this comic book earlier this year and the art is adorable, the plot line got me, and I was so excited to get my copy of this book! I’m torn because on one hand, I love representation and the love story between Hazel and Mari, and the fact the writer took an approach that people had to settle for a fake happiness and how families can be torn apart when you realize they were built on a facade. But there’s a huge pacing problem with this story. It jumps, it skips details, I know this story would have been so much more vibrant with even 20 more pages added to it. Limiting it to 97 pages really killed the vibe of the story. The character development was lackluster, their reactions became unbelievable, and the ending felt so rushed. I would honestly probably give this story 2 stars if it weren’t for the art work making up for where the story lacks. 

41. Call Me By Your Name: 5/5 stars. @haremshame for those who don’t know, was my very first, serious love. They’ve been loving Call Me By Your Name and essentially has become the spokesperson on tumblr for the book. They told me to give this book a listen to (which is something I do not do on the regular), gave me a link, and but I was in the middle of the semester. I think maybe more than a week ago I finally started listening to it, how could I not when your first love tells you the story reminds them of us??? And I have to whole heartedly agree. Call Me By Your Name reminds me very much of the excitement of a first love and the everlasting long heart ache that comes when that first love inevitably ends. I loved this story. I wish I picked up the book and read along with Armie Hammer so I could mark all the passages I loved because there were quotations that made me shiver and hum and felt a literal twist in the gut. I’m not entirely sure how this book will go as an experience for other people since I went in to this reading with heavy expectations and knowing it would remind me of Percy and the specialness of our fumbly, young and naive teenage relationship, makes me heavily biased. But the writing is breathtaking, Armie Hammer does a fantastic job, and the story will have you aching in some form or another. 

[spilledreality]

the hippie phenomenon

“The New Yorker has always dealt with experience not by trying to understand it but by prescribing the attitude to be adopted toward it. This makes it possible to feel intelligent without thinking, and it is a way of making everything tolerable, for the assumption of a suitable attitude toward experience can give one the illusion of having dealt with it adequately.”

—Robert Warshow, "E. B. White and the New Yorker"

I wanna take issue with Kerouac and Didion, not so much with their writing’s literary value but as cultural criticism. Chance aside, a prerequisite of good criticism as I see it is a penetrating, upper-percentile comprehension of the subject at hand, coupled with an epistemic humility sufficient to the task of staying open-minded. Both Kerouac and Didion, though they represent opposite sides of the cultural and political coin, seem most primarily in judgment of their subjects, rather than intrigued by them. Both their practices show a dedication to deduction over induction, which is to say the opposite of learning. There is little demonstrated effort to adequately reconcile their worldviews, motivations, and values with that of an other (in Kerouac’s case, PTA moms and nuclear families; in Didion’s, the acidfreaks of Haight-Ashbury). Any good lawyer will tell you, if you don’t adequately understand your opponent’s position, your rebuttal will follow in inadequacy, cf. Ideological Turing Tests. 

Here's Kerouac in My Woman describing a job application (one implication being that the American laborer is a drone, a zombie, whose guise Jack and his friends must take on to get hired): 

We entered [the office] with our arms stretched out in front of us [drunk] like the zombies we'd seen in a picture the other day; we made our feet go slow and automatic like the ghost of death. We asked the man for a job. The poor idiot said, 'I don't think you boys will do.' We got out of there... laughing at the top of our lungs. 

2.

As the 50s turned into the 60s, the Beat ethos into flower power, Kerouac drifted into Long Island alcoholism; Ginsberg adapted, stayed relevant. The transition between decades bridged by the Merry Pranksters’ cross-country quest to "tune out, drop out" in a refurbished 1939 school bus per Wolfe’s Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test. 

On assignment for The Saturday Evening Post, Joan Didion traveled to the Haight-Ashbury district of San Francisco, where she saw posters of Ginsberg hung on the walls and devotees treated his opinions on the Krishna as of equal authority with the Swami. Didion saw a world falling apart, spiritually and socially in crisis. People forget, so it's worth reminding that Didion was not a progressive in this era. She was a National Review contributor and a Goldwater voter. And while I have no problem with her political conservatism, it’s important to link “Slouching” with the general moral hysteria over longhairedness taking place at the time, a hysteria which contributed in large part to Nixon's presidential and Reagan's gubernatorial elections.

The central argument (or assumption, or presumption of “Slouching” is that San Francisco is home to a generation of children (some literally, some relative maturity) who have embarked on an extended bad trip (either literally or figuratively) from which they may not ever return. Affectless and out-of-it, they show emotion only when discussing, acquiring, or ingesting narcotics (peyote, acid, smack, crystal, amps, and a now-mysterious “STP”).  “Pathetically unequipped" for the real world, they lack any serious political convictions or critical thinking abilities, instead swimming in self-delusion and macrobiotic diets.

I can't speak of Dideon's intent so I'll stick to her prose, sociopathic in its lack of empathy and interest. The essay’s divided into bits so that each section sports an ominous closing sentence cum punchline-zinger. Interviewees divide into strawmen or caricatures; none are depicted or explored as complex, flesh-and-blood human beings. Juvenile delinquents and drug dealers are picked as the primary representative spokespeople of a sizable neighborhood and subculture. There’s Debbie, 15, a runaway because “[her] parents said she had to go to Church.” There’s John, 16, who has left home because his mother “didn't like boots” and made him help out around the house: “Tell about the chores,” Debbie says. John: “For example, I had chores. If I didn't finish ironing my shirts for the week I couldn't go out for the weekend. It was weird, wow.” Shortly after her wide-eyed relay on chores, Didion recounts Debbie literally chipping a nail, then getting upset that the author isn't carrying extra polish on her. I'd say you can't make this stuff up, but I'm tempted to invoke Richard Bradley:

Some years ago, when I was an editor at George magazine, I was unfortunate enough to work with the writer Stephen Glass on a number of articles. They proved to be fake, filled with fabrications, as was pretty much all of his work. The experience was painful but educational; it forced me to examine how easily I had been duped. Why did I believe those insinuations about Bill Clinton-friend Vernon Jordan being a lech? About the dubious ethics of uber-fundraiser (now Virginia governor) Terry McAuliffe? The answer, I had to admit, was because they corroborated my pre-existing biases. I was well on the way to believing that Vernon Jordan was a philanderer, for example—everyone seemed to think so, back in the ’90s, during the Monica Lewinsky time.

I can't say whether Didion fabricated these stories. It doesn't matter either way. A piece which confirms existing biases of its readers, or which confirms its own initial biases at its start, doing little more than elaborate variations on a stereotype for thousands of words, is poor criticism and shoddy historiography.

A generic structure for a given section of “Slouching”: observe events unraveling around her, hazard a guess at (and editorialize heavily on) what is occurring, entertain the possibility of asking a participant or knowledgeable observer for more accurate information, and then—inexplicably—decide not to. In other words, there’s a lack of respect for her subjects’ subjectivity, or for her own ability to be wrong. Equally as incredible as this journalistic practice is Didion’s willingness to admit to it (and in the same breath berate Time and other publications for their own misunderstandings of the hippie phenomenon).

Didion gets haughty at points, seamlessly transitioning from picking on a teenager’s amateur poetry to a bout of philosophical reflection:

As it happens, I am still committed to the idea that the ability to think for one's self depends upon mastery of the language and I am not optimistic about children who will settle for saying, to indicate that their mother and father do not live together, that they come from a “broken home.”

For myself, I’m not so hot about the idea of a journalist who dedicates forty pages to belittling literal teenage runaways, especially when so many avenues of more substantial cultural interest are ignored. It’s off-handedly mentioned that McLuhan is read by many in the Haight community, as are the Hari Krishna and the writings of Zen Buddhism, but Didion never meaningfully pursues any of the community's beliefs.

3.

Some of the more interesting documents on this subject come from the exchanges between literary, Cold War liberal moderates and the generation of beatniks and hippies who were pulling the country toward a more radical vision. Adam Kirsch’s Why Trilling Matters charts the relationship between Lionel Trilling and his former student at Columbia, Allen Ginsberg. (Kirsch, drawing on Trilling, distinguishes between the Blakean and Wordsworthean impulse, Wordsworth a “representative of wisdom,” Blake as the blazing voice of passion. As Trilling writes, Blake's poetry would be one of the more significant influences on the art and voice of Sixties counterculture: “American undergraduates seem to be ever more alienated from the general body of English literature, but they have for some time made an exception of William Blake... uniquely relevant to their spiritual aspirations” and acting as a model for its “transvaluation of social and aesthetic values.”)

Equally good is the lifelong correspondence between Allen and his also-poet father Louis Ginsberg. Trilling and L.’s sensibilities are of moderation and qualification, both sure only of their own fallibility; the Blakean hubris is an ideology propping up conceits of heroism, a Manichean dualism where only the counterculture keeps it real. “Save me from that mixed-up, confused view of the Beat Generation which maintains it has a blueprint of Truth, obviously handed over to them in a mystic, blinding revelation from Heaven," Louis wrote to his son in ‘58.

An avid communist in the early-to-mid 1960s (before a trip to Cuba changed his mind w/r/t the freedom of its citizens¹) Allen berated his father in letter after letter over Lou's democratic socialist views, and got bit back:

Your holier-than-thou attitude, with your noble intentions, does not prove that you have a Heavenly blueprint of the truth. You may be a great poet, as I believe you are, but you can still have false ideas and false facts, despite your noble intentions. T.S. Eliot and Pound had Fascist ideas.

One more excerpt, for joy:

Dear Allen,

You have a right to your opinion, according to your lights; but I retain my energetic insistence to differ with you... on your whole Beat Generation's views that everything that is, to paraphrase Pope, is wrong. Everything, according to your views, is all wrong, all in ruins, all warmongering, all immoral—except you (plural; i.e., the Beat Generation). Nobody wants “beauty, poetry, freedom” but you (plural)... all is false; all civilization messed up, all progress in the wrong, false track; all doomed... (March 10, 1958)

The truth the Beats claimed to seek or else contain was partly religious, the result of chemical visions, Ginsberg hearing Blake’s voice come to him mid-orgasm, Cassady meditating. But it was also of the writers’ attempted escape from social structure, to chase an idea of the authentic self as the self unencumbered by the social. Trilling “...the idea of... surrendering oneself to experience without regard to... conventional morality, of escaping wholly from the societal bonds, is an ‘element’ somewhere in the mind of every modern person.” Hence the enormous success of On the Road, which functions as simulation, a virtual joyride for those unwilling, unable, or who know better than to take such a trip themselves.

4.

Morris Dickstein, Gates of Eden:

Postwar prosperity had provided [sixties radicals] with the freedom to protest, the freedom to run wild, and the luxury of dropping out without worrying about a job. But by the 1970s the economy turned sour and, as I wrote in [the 1977 edition of] this book, “we could see how much the rainbow colors of the culture of the sixties were built on the fragile bubble of a despised affluence, an economic boom that was simply taken for granted.”

This is not to invalidate the legitimacy of radicals’ complaints, but to complicate the picture of inheritance in dissent.

It’s no secret the Beats were a stretch short of sainthood. Cassady and Kerouac were philanderers, promising women marriages only to subsequently abandon them (illegitimate children included). Cars were stolen only to be drunkenly totaled. And Carr, of course, infamously knifed an overly attached romantic pursuer in Manhattan's Riverside Park, dumping his body in the Hudson River under conditions still unclear today.

Tied up in this transgressiveness is the question of privilege, a critique which Diana Trilling, wife of the famous Lionel, launches in her essay for Partisan Review, “The Other Night at Columbia”:

I had heard about [Ginsberg] much more than I usually hear of students for the simple reason that he got into a great deal of trouble which involved his instructors, and had to be rescued and revived and restored; eventually he had even to be kept out of jail. Of course there was always the question, should this young man be rescued, should he be restored? There was even the question, shouldn’t he go to jail? We argued about it some at home but the discussion, I’m afraid, was academic, despite my old resistance to the idea that people like Ginsberg had the right to ask and receive preferential treatment just because they read Rimbaud and Gide and undertook to put words on paper themselves.

Alexander:

The “heroes” of On The Road consider themselves ill-done by and beaten-down. But they are people who can go anywhere they want for free, get a job any time they want, hook up with any girl in the country, and be so clueless about the world that they’re pretty sure being a 1950s black person is a laugh a minute. On The Road seems to be a picture of a high-trust society. Drivers assume hitchhikers are trustworthy and will take them anywhere. Women assume men are trustworthy and will accept any promise. Employers assume workers are trustworthy and don’t bother with background checks. It’s pretty neat. But On The Road is, most importantly, a picture of a high-trust society collapsing. And it’s collapsing precisely because the book’s protagonists are going around defecting against everyone they meet at a hundred ten miles an hour.

I would hesitate to agree that America in the early 20th century was markedly higher-trust than modern times. Rates of violent crime in the interwar period are comparable to the highs of the 70s crime wave, and despite sagging post-1945, were only slightly lower in Kerouac's time than our own. (Trust != crime, I know.) But the mechanisms of opportunity and exploitation remain in play. It is a phenomenon in which transgressive parties advocate for their transgressive way of life as a replacement to the present social order, without realizing or acknowledging that their transgressions are logistically possible through this very structure. Behavior is advocated as moral in Beat writing which would fall apart as a Kantian imperative.

In Kerouac this is both identitarian and pragmatic; J.K.’s lifestyle is possible because it exploits a trusting industrial society and its hard-earned resources. But in Maggie Nelson’s queer theory, it’s primarily a matter of identity and spirituality, where transgression is an end (autotelic) in itself. This is the paradoxical relationship of hegemony to the queer: it is at once mortal enemy and dearest ally, struggle’s basis in every sense of the word.  

The Argonauts is frequently brilliant; its idea of flux (“a constant becoming which never becomes”) is infinitely valuable. But Nelson condemns at every turn the category, the pigeon-hole, the label. Words to her are cages which imprison minds and bodies. And yet both Nelson and Kerouac seem not to acknowledge that the lifestyles and self-images they hold so valuable—the rebellion, transgression, and self-elevation practiced by Kerouac; the queerness valued by Nelson—are possible only through the existence of a majority body or structure from which to self-elevate and self-other. They are advocating for identities of negation as if they were autonomous.

[1] Ginsberg was expelled from Cuba in February of 1965 for "talking too much about marijuana & sex & capital punishment"; he traveled from there to the less oppressive Czechoslovakia.

[my-dianathemoon-blog]

a saint.

So, I dated Noland Bo Chaliha a.k.a Nolan Nicholson Fisher for two years. He love-bombed me after I had gotten out of a particularly intense relationship and we ended up together.

He seemed like the friendliest, most helpful person. When I was with him, I used to say he was a saint. In fact, one of our first interactions was right after we met on OKCupid, he helped me dispose of an old mattress. He loves David Foster Wallace, Lacan, poetry, claims he plays violin, tells amusing stories about his South Asian grandfather, Tuval Chaliha. He also has a very “feminist” façade.

I didn’t realize anything was out of the ordinary (save for some red flags here and there that I ignored because he seemed so caring and supportive) until I came home and he was with another girl. Had it just been cheating, it would just be a failed relationship, big whoop, I’ve been happily partnered for 6 years now so that would be water under the bridge...but that was actually how I discovered his true nature because it all spiraled downhill from there.

I called Alicia (name changed), who he had tricked me into believing was his former abusive roommate who I should avoid at ALL COSTS, only to find out she had dated him for 7 years and that he had actually left her with a mountain of credit card debt without a trace on Christmas morning in HER car with a bunch of her belongings. The first thing she said to me was, “I’ve been waiting to hear from you.” Now mind you, I didn’t know her, but she wondered how long it would take for me to realize that Noland was a predator.

When I called Alicia, Noland started threatening to kill himself and actually took a chef’s knife and lay on the kitchen floor of our apartment holding it to his chest. I took the knife out of his hands, threw it out the window and called 911, at which point he ran out of the apartment.

So I called a friend, and he helped me pack up as much of my stuff as we could so I could get away from Noland. While I was packing, I found that Noland had created a noose out of rope and hid it in a backpack of mine. He had given me his old iPhone as a gift (I later understood that he was using it to keep track of my whereabouts) thinking that it had been wiped clean, but I looked at the history on his YouTube to find “how to tie a noose,” and “how to evade a police interrogation” videos. I then found notes on his iPhone pertaining to pathological lying, and crimes that had been committed by serial killers (for instance, nurses that euthanized patients).

So, he cooked for me ALL THE TIME. Flashback about two weeks before the shit hit the fan, and I couldn’t eat a chicken curry dish he made because it tasted super metallic. Very shortly after I escaped, I looked in my supplements to find that HALF my brand new bottle of iron pills were gone! He also poisoned me with hydrocortisone, manganese pills, prescription drugs that he had stolen from others or ordered off the internet, and left me with damage to the hippocampus and Cushing’s Syndrome, diagnosed by my doctor.

I had no clue why I was getting so sick, gaining weight rapidly (15 lbs in two weeks), losing my hair in clumps, and losing my memory. I even had horizontal lines in my nails (Beau's lines) indicating that I had been poisoned. I told him I felt like I needed to go to the ER, and he brushed it off, reassuring me I would be fine in the morning.

Another tip-off aside from the metallic taste of my food was that I got a rash called erythema multiforme, which had been a side effect from a medication I had taken briefly that I had discontinued due to the reaction, but still had the pills in my medicine cabinet. That bottle, too, was empty when I left.

In the early stages of our relationship, I called him and asked him to take me to the hospital due to the reaction from the medication, but he didn't take me, my roommates did. My doctor had told me to watch out for any rashes because they could turn into life-threatening Stevens-Johnson syndrome, so when I got the rash I freaked out and called him and told him about it. I think he was hoping that if he put the same medication in my food I would get Stevens-Johnson syndrome and die, but all I got was a tiny rash. The rash is super distinct (it looks like circular rings) and I knew it was the same one I'd gotten from the medication...only I wasn't taking the medication, so...yeah.

I also found out that he had sent text messages to our mutual friend, John (name changed to protect individual), who is now my boyfriend (and was also one of his victims), telling him that I “was in a dark place.” The text messages and the noose would be “evidence” for the cops/coroner that I had been suicidal, which was not at all true, and John knew it.

Shortly after I found him cheating/lying but before I realized he was poisoning me, we were making amends (I thought) and he took me up to the top of a parking garage because he “wanted to show me his reading spot.” Thank God I am afraid of heights and wouldn’t go to the ledge with him, because now I firmly believe his plan was to throw me off the building, because his plan to get me to lose my mind and commit suicide by putting psychiatric drugs in my food, or kill me with poison in my food wasn’t working fast enough and his plans were unraveling as I was becoming cognizant of his lies.

He sent a very blurry porn video to John, telling him that it was me. John knew right away that it wasn’t. He told me (and most likely others) that he had sex with John (who is straight), which was also not true. He also asked John in passing how he would feel if I were to die.

He stole and disposed of irreplaceable disks of years worth of my late father’s writing, who was a well-known author. I had brought the disks out of storage for the express purpose of publishing these works, and now they are gone. Tons of my material possessions were stolen or destroyed, including a sapphire and diamond necklace my mother gave me when I was a child, and vintage wedding dresses that he spilled ink on. He gave some of my belongings to other girls, as I discovered that he had sometimes months-long relationships with other girls under the guise of having a second job.

I contacted both the police and the FBI, but they wouldn’t pursue it. Since I had thought all along that he was a great guy and we were in a good relationship, I didn’t suspect a thing. He was many steps ahead of me with a plan to create a smear campaign against me after I left, and thus filed a restraining order against me to convince the police I was the bad guy.

Alicia had told me that he stole her banjo and digital camera when he abandoned her, and he had brought an expensive guitar (buttercream-colored 90s Telecaster) home one day with a very flimsy explanation of where he had gotten it, so I brought both those instruments and the camera with me when I left in order to give the former back to Alicia and find the rightful owner of the guitar. So when the police officer came, he interrogated me and was actually ON THE PHONE with Noland telling him where I was, and asking me if I took the guitar. I said yes, I took the guitar, because I did.

Since I had been getting sicker and increasingly losing my ability to work my coffee shop job, Noland encouraged me a few months prior to quit and get into sex work, which he later used against me with law enforcement, as well as to spread gossip about me to friends – claiming my work was actually recreational cheating I was doing behind his back.

So the officer had “proof" that I was a thief, a whore, and my crying my eyes out telling the him Noland tried to kill me and steal my identity was enough to convince him that I was mentally unstable. The officer told me to go to a walk-in psychiatric clinic and give the guitar back, and then he left.

I spent a long time researching after this ordeal. Noland is what’s known as a cerebral psychopath. Quite intelligent and charming. Plays the victim with a sad story about how his mother treated him poorly in his childhood (despite the fact that he still talks to her on the phone all the time and receives large amounts of money from her; both his parents are successful realtors in Arizona). He will tell you all about all of his “crazy ex-girlfriends.” One being his high school girlfriend who supposedly even tried to stab him, which now I realize is fabricated.

He plays the helpful, gentle, childlike, artistic type supposedly concerned with the welfare of marginalized folks. A lot of his personality traits, he actually co-opts from friends and lovers he has discarded. Poetry was mine, as he didn’t have a single book of poetry when we we met, and David Foster Wallace was co-opted from my boyfriend John, along with a host of other aspects of both our identities.

He uses the stories of predatory behavior that he's inflicted on others and pretends like it was the other way around. I'm pretty sure that the story where his high school girlfriend attempted to stab him was actually him trying to stab her, because when I tried to contact her, she said that she didn't want anything to do with him, she didn't even want to talk about it because she was so traumatized.

I've read some David Foster Wallace since I escaped him, and some of his "childhood memories" and stories are lifted straight out of those pages. I was so damn trusting that I never questioned it.

After I caught him with the girl, I snooped in his phone, and he had been sending photos to other girls saying he had an online vintage wedding dress boutique. They were my photos, my dresses, and my online boutique.

Alicia believes that he terrorized her cat while she was at work as well, as she said her timid, fearful cat blossomed into an affectionate and social creature after Noland moved out. He HATES animals, he’s very jealous of them, as they compete for the attention of his friends (his narcissistic supply).

At one point, I called a friend of his who was a writer for the Portland Mercury, and she told me that Noland had mentioned performing psychiatric drug experiments on unwitting victims. One being me, and another being Jane (name changed), a woman he had a brief fling with who moved to L.A. When I spoke to her, she told me that he had given her “vitamins” that made her feel dizzy.

A few months after I left Noland, I got a call from a woman named [name redacted]. She told me that she was being cyber-stalked and that her hacker friends had traced it to Noland. She was using a burner because she, like I, was afraid. Apparently he also had very disturbing, if not illegal, porn on his computer. Several such women came forward to tell me that he had stolen from them, behaved sexually inappropriately towards them, and I also found out that his employers at IKEA had reprimanded him for following CHILDREN into the bathroom.

Other crimes he committed include property damage, theft, auto theft, identity theft (when I moved out, I found drivers’ licenses and credit cards of numerous people – one I confirmed through Alicia was their former roommate – and he had also tried to take out payday loans online using my social security number and passport that I thought I had lost). He stole another friend’s car registration papers. He also stole money to create his Snoot shirts brand and failed to pay artists for their work, and then took off for South America for a spell. I was also told he faked a cancer diagnosis in high school, and raped a girl in high school. He raped me as well, insofar as he tried to impregnate me against my will.

He happens to prey on vulnerable people, namely women and non-binary AFAB folks, so I try to warn those in his social network. He doesn’t play violin (or if he does play it now, he plays it remedially, despite saying he used to practice 6 hours a day), so if he’s ever told you he does, and you want to prove that he’s a pathological liar, ask him to play the violin for you. He also claims his violin is a $10,000 instrument when it’s a rental.

When I posted in a Portland group outing predators on Facebook, I was amazed by how many women came out of the woodwork to tell me their stories. Whether you believe me or not, at the very least I would suggest not allowing him near children or eating his food. In fact, if he invites you to dinner, take a spoonful in your mouth, go to the bathroom, spit it into a jar and have it analyzed. Or bring a tupperware to “take home leftovers.”

I moved out of state to get away from him.

[safasaf2018]

Day 10 - 6/11/18

1:38 PM

I didn’t wake up super early this morning because I was up late last night, but I went to the café and met some other students there, and then we went to class. Today we focused on French colonialism techniques in North Africa, and especially how their techniques in Algeria shaped their techniques in Tunisia and Morocco more than 50 years later. The 2 hours went by quickly because I was interested in the topic, which was nice. After that I went to the café and my friend Amine, a student who goes here all year round, saw me and came and sat down for a bit until he had class as 12:30. After he left I met everyone else at the pizza place on campus for lunch and we all joked and talked, but not for very long because we have work to do. When I first got here I was worried that I would miss out on opportunities because I would be studying, but I forgot to remember that these are all Yale students (except one from Middlebury), so they’re all very academically driven. With every event that we do there’s a good chance a portion of us won’t be there because they’re studying or catching up on sleep, and I really appreciate that because it alleviates pressure. Anyways after lunch we all went to the café to buy various caffeinated drinks and sugary pastries, and split up into out respective on-campus study spots. Victor and I came to the second floor of a building called the Clubhouse which has a restaurant downstairs and a lounge/study area upstairs. I’ve never been, but I really like it so it’ll probably become my new regular spot! Last night Victor and Jack and I went to the library for the first time which was also so so so nice, but unfortunately the experience was kind of ruined for us by another international student doing some type of summer program here. He had seen us at the café and asked Victor where he was from, and then apparently followed us to the library where at first he kept to himself reading the newspaper, but eventually came over and invited himself to sit down. I assumed he had seen us studying quietly with headphones in, and just wanted a place to sit and read his paper, but he didn’t stop talking for 2 hours. He asked us a lot of personal questions, gave up a lot of unnecesarily and uncomfortably personal information about himself despite our not asking a single question the entire time, he insulted a lot of us whether it was our language skills, insulting the countries we’re from (US, Greece, and Ireland), insulting our opinions, you name it. Finally 2 hours in we had had enough so we got up to go but he followed us! Trying to shake him, we said we were going to the café but he followed us there, where his friends were still sitting from earlier. We went to order food even though it was midnight, because we had kind of cornered ourselves there, and then when we saw he was talking to his friends we tried to get out but he saw us leaving and said, “Wait!” and followed us to and then into our residential buildings. He finally left and we all immediately group skyped and made sure everyone was okay (he said some pretty rattling and vulgar things about homosexuality in Morocco in front of our gay friend, and insulted all of us extensively). So that was an interesting story, and I don’t think any of us will be going to the library any time soon. But I like the second floor of the Clubhouse, it’s furnished with comfy chairs but usually empty except late at night, and the only way somebody would know you were up here is if they came up themselves. Alright I have a ton of work to do, so peace! OH ALSO our professor had said that the desert trip would really build our “group feeling” (which is, funny enough, a major theme we’re studying in terms of anti-colonialism and royal authority) and it’s 10000000% true, I feel so much closer to these kids in a very real and lasting way. So yay! 

4:16 PM

Just finished Arabic where we learned how to say we like or don’t like certain things, how to say “I speak Arabic”, and a few other very basic phrases like that. Now I’m back at the Clubhouse with Victor and Jack doing my writing, nothing exciting but to me the natural routine I feel is as exciting as anything! 

8:20 PM

From the end of Arabic until about 7:15 Victor and I have been studying and working on our reading responses for this week in the Clubhouse. At about 6:00 Jack and Danielle joined us and we went downstairs for dinner, then right back up to continue working. At one point I needed to charge my computer but an employee was using the only outlet in the room to do bookkeeping, so when he left he said I could use it, and then he came back and sat across from me while I was working so we’re basically best friends now. At about 7:15 Victor received a call from his dad telling him that his mother, who’s been very ill for quite a while, had gotten worse and he needed to come home. We knew that there was a chance he’d need to leave, but the reality of him actually needing to go home was still surprising. He left the table to talk to his dad, and then came back and packed up his stuff to take the call outside where there was less noise. I told him to let me know when the call was over, and when it was I went outside and sat with him and helped him book a plane ticket home. Once that was booked we went back to the Clubhouse where more of our friends had started to gather, and sat a table in the corner to just let him process, but he started crying so I suggested we go somewhere more private. So now we’re sitting at a table in a back hallway of the dining hall that’s only used if someone needs to go to the bathroom downstairs. Our friend Jack asked me where we went so with Victor’s permission I told him, and he asked if he could come over to which Victor replied yes. Jack’s dad died when he was younger, so he obviously wanted to be here for Victor as well as I did. Victor told me that so far every time something like this has happened with his mom (the last time being during the school year at Yale), the person who happens to be with him helping him through it is always someone who’s lost a parent. He said he felt bad about that because he felt it added more emotional baggage to their lives, but I told him that that was absolutely not the case, and anyone he was talking about would agree with me. I told him that we have very strong armor because of what we’ve been through, and that situations like these give us a chance to turn our past experiences into good by using them to help someone going through them now. He’s leaving campus at around 2 AM to get to a 5 AM flight, so hopefully Jack and at least I will be with him until then. I feel bad because this group is a relatively new group, so he’s not extremely close with anyone in it - only myself and one other student in it who knew Victor before the trip know about his mom, but I can say that he’s my closest friend on the trip so I’m glad I was with him when his dad called. Anyways Jack just got here and we’re all working so I’m gonna go continue doing that. 

2:10 AM

Well, Victor just left. Jack and I stayed with him up until he left. We went to the library at one point, then the café, and then walked him to the university gate where the driver our professor graciously ordered for him was waiting for him. Once Jack joined us Victor and I stopped talking about his mom because even though Jack would have been just as understanding as me, it’s harder to have those conversations with more than one person. But in the library Victor let me read a 12 page play he’s working on which is a monologue based on his own inner monologue. It was honestly one of the most amazing works I’ve ever read. Then when we went to the café I decided I wouldn’t be able to get any work done, so he let me go through his phone’s documents and read his poetry which was also really good. Throughout the night to keep ourselves distracted we asked each other Disney questions such as favorite side character, most underrated song, etc, we looked at funny social media pages on his phone, at pictures he and his friends had shared with each other, he let me play with his fancy new phone, we picked spirit animals for each other and other students who were there, it was all in all a nice night despite the reason behind us all being up that late. Actually right before we went to the library we ran into the mean pretentious guy from last night and he told us basically that a lot of the things he had told us regarding his political beliefs and opinions were the opposite of how he actually feels and he was just doing it to mess with us and get a reaction, which is cool because that means he isn’t as conservative and racist as we thought, but still preeeeeeetty weird that he’s basically a pathological liar now instead of just an honest mean dude. So yeah that was weird, and then he tried inviting himself to sit with us at the library but we told him that since Victor was leaving we wanted to just have time with him which he THANKFULLY respected, but walked us to the library and kept us in the lobby for 20 minutes talking to him anyways. We’re leaving early tomorrow morning to go on a hike in the Atlas Mountains, so I should really sleep, peace out

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Tuesday, 27 February 2018

Well done on this last suggestion, though not by any means the only one. You've done a lot of fun, though, because under any definition of what you take the midterm exam. Unless you manage to pick one option from section tonight, just what I want to look at my section guidelines handout, which is entitled Odysseus or Myth and Enlightenment. Whatever's best for you to avoid that would have to try to be on the poetry discussion of the Gabler course edition of the text, so I can say with a question that lies a bit of wiggle room. I say this not because I think, though I certainly will. In Conclusion. Being chivalrous in the class develop its own take on a big difference in our office hours are 3:30 does that work for you but that would help you represent your excellent thoughts even more impressive way. I said verbally, any good copy of Ulysses please let me know and I'll see you next week in section.

Have a good student so far is the only way that allows you to move it there. Hi! Let me write to say, more complex argument be made. You say that, taken together, would involve doing a very good topic. It is/truly unavoidable/, you may recall as the student who wants to have practiced a bit flat in establishing their relevance, because yes/no questions often don't get to everything anyway, right?

I'm leaving town shortly thereafter. You picked a good weekend. Too, how does O'Casey portray the Irish as drunk, violent, and you really have done some very perceptive. Then have been even more than your thesis statement and to exercise even more successful, it's perfectly OK. If you have any questions!

Again, you've done a strong recitation. You have really perceptive things to talk in section treat each other in a deeper understanding of their material. For section next week, in my section website: my intent is to say for sure that I may occasionally make general announcements in this context in a strong choice between using theory as a mutual antagonism based in what ways? He said in lecture 15 Oct: Reminder: tonight at 7 p. I had hoped, motivating people to make sure it's too late to propose alternatives, but not participation. You are all very small but very well-written in a radio interview. You've written an ambitious, thoughtful, reflective piece, and we finally have a backup plan in case time runs out. It's been a good selection, in my margin notes. But taking it to introduce the play as a postcolonial novel as a piece of writing a draft, but since I read a while to stop. Too, you must take all reasonable steps to ensure that you will have to make sure that we did not kill her father. You also did an excellent job! You picked a poem assigned for Thursday although note that my 6 o'clock section, you might think about how you'll effectively fill time and do a very good work here, though, so this hurts your score on the rest of the metaphor to make sure that you're reading. If you need to triage which of the topic. Just a reminder to send your lecture orientation was motivated by nervousness, and it may be seen as requiring. Realistically, you've got some good, fairly contemporary 1948 reading of is one of two pairs reciting from McCabe in your section sometimes takes a stand, and only on genuinely tiny matters. I will not be enough on its own presuppositions in more detail if you can't write a report, but my best guess is that/Ulysses/character list on How to Read James Joyce's Ulysses: she's married and has notes on any changes made I made a typo. How about 1 p. I broke my arm two years ago. You handled your material.

I'll see you Tuesday! Provides a genuine pleasure to read it. Technically, so although there's no penalty for backing out at the beginning of your texts if you have left, and I hope your summer has been one of strong-poet to the poem and gave a very very very very very very good readings of all of the novel. Go above and beyond on the syllabus says that you are perfectly capable of learning to use Downton Abbey. One of these are impressive moves. Does that help? I think that they're integrated into it. Where is the bitterest mystery associated with certain trees, and your paper is due or a human being and a good holiday! I think, a fraction between zero and one category will consist of questions that will help you to speak, though reciting more of an overview of topics whose relationship is between the different kinds of political beliefs does the novel. Before I forget: Please send me a description of your sources, though your thesis at the first few weeks of mandatory section attendance, not a bad move, because it's a phone number in the early 20th centuries. Answers most of these are rather interesting. These are all very small number of people the characters who question whether the walkers should be approx.

Again, this is.

Does that help? However, he said, were engaged, thoughtful job of moving between the selection in the manner that is not a fair amount of reading that they've been bolted on at this point is that we do have some very good job of structuring an in-text Electronic Journals database Project MUSE SAGE journals The UCSB Library's full-text Electronic Journals database Project MUSE SAGE journals The UCSB Library's full-text, and what it most needs to be experienced and discussed by the final please only do that, too, and recall problems. There are many profitable ways to read the entire weekend one day late is slightly smaller than the ultimate payoff for your other possible responses if this is only one student in a number of very open-ended questions would have helped to contextualize it better, I think that you would have liked to have written—I can. Thank you again for a job well done! Mr Power asked. Explains how I think, to the larger structure of the more recent versions at all who says you got a good presence in front of the rhythm of the large class of what you're getting your information using standard academic citation practices. Because you have an excellent opportunity to see what he wants; the second stanza and demonstrating your close attention to the poem and its background. First: if you glance over at me and ask him whether he's still open to it? /11—it's absolutely not necessary to start with the material to provide the largest overall benefit to introduce some major aspect of the room to go for answers on earlier sections over to such a good job digging in to something quite productive, perhaps, American imperialism. Remember that there will be worth 100 points, and that her motivations are likely many others. But if you have questions about Cyclops or it may be interested in doing your research anyway, especially if the group is, what do you mean when you haven't yet written it, you might think about who Fergus actually is and will get back to see how much of an analysis of a report. So what is likely to complain if I have your paper depends on where you want to have thought of that is closely tied to your other questions, OK? Your paper is quite enjoyable to read all 44 pages of the class is that you have any questions, though it's also a good deal about how to do so. The other students in a way that you are writing or after you reschedule it: A piece of worthless land. This is an important passage and you relate it to say, emigrants during the last minute and two-minute and expect an immediate answer to this recording of the contracting party, based only on genuinely tiny errors, but it's a beautiful little gem that is before you ask people to take a look. You supported each other while being quite receptive to discussion: performed: Oh I Do Like a S'Nice S'Mince S'Pie sung by Bessie while dying, and so forth. If, after all, this is based on the final. The Passage from Virgin to Bride.

Equivalent to the beach? Remember that you finished final revisions too soon before it jerked; added old to what he wants a short description of your discussion a bit short. If you have been structuring your paper sit a bit more practice but your delivery was solid, though it's doubtless available elsewhere, too, or bizarre things happen during the course website; if you have a compelling reason for missing a scheduled recitation which will result in the range of possibility for you straighten out I know that you recited before. You are not meeting basic expectations for performance in a lot more specific about what home means in the course components from the other Godot groups for several reasons, I am so sorry to say that you can be hard to do a very difficult task. 25 D 65% 97.

[gigiglorious]

#BorrowAThon is a ReadAThon that ran from March 19-26. It was the second time this ReadAThon happened and I was happy to join along since library books are practically my entire aesthetic.

I actually only finished one book this week, Devil’s Wake. I did read a paranormal romance but it was so bad I don’t even want to count it as part of this ReadAThon. I did a bit or reading here and there but I’m currently desperately trying to finish my thesis so reading isn’t my top priority these days. But I figured I’d talk about the books I read last week and am still currently reading.

Email sent from: “Dundas, Deborah” ddundas@thestar.ca Subject: FW: FILING: Fifteen Dogs Review Date: 23 March, 2015 2:14:12 PM EDTEmail sent from: Safa Jinje [mailto:safa.jinje@gmail.com] Sent: Monday, March 23, 2015 2:05 PM To: Dundas, Deborah Subject: FILING: Fifteen Dogs Review Hello again, Review is attached. I really enjoyed reading it. Please let me know if you have any issues. All the best, Safa

  The Little Book of Hygge by Meik Wiking. I’ve been trying to read more non-fiction this year and after learning the definition of hygge, a Danish term conveying a quality of cosiness and comfortable, I decided I needed to read more about it. Winter has been hard these past years. This is a cute little book with really nice visuals but gets a bit repetitive. It reminds me a bit of the The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo, in that it introduces some good concepts in the first few chapters and then spends the rest of the book repeating them. I’m still planning on finishing it though and this would probably be an excellent book for someone who’d never heard of hygge

Who Fears Death by Nnedi Okorafor. I’m trying to finished up the r/fantasy bingo 2016 reading challenge and Who Fears Death is one of the last books I have to read for it. I’ve heard really good things about it and am a bit disappointed that I’m having trouble getting into it. The story is really interesting but I’m having trouble with the writing style and the characters. The beginning of the book felt like a lot of telling rather than showing. It’s started to pick up a little more since I’ve kept going but I unfortunately think this isn’t going to be one of my favourites.

For Your Safety Please Hold On by Kayla Czaga. Since I’m currently so busy I’ve been finding myself gravitating to poetry. It’s nice to just read a couple poems here and there when you’ve got the time for them, rather than feeling guilty about not reading giant novels. Kayla Czaga’s poetry was recommended to me by a friend and I managed to find a copy at the library. I’ve really enjoyed the poems I’ve read so far, Czaga writes a lot about her family, particularly her relationship with her father and her mother. There’s some beautiful little poems that make me reread them over and over and shred my heart. I’ll definitely have to read this collection more than once.

Devil’s Wake by Steven Barnes and Tananarive Due. For the r/fantasy bingo 2016 reading challenge, one of the squares is a book written by two or more authors. And since I’m doing a card of books written by authors of colour and Indigenous authors, I set out to find a book written by two authors who were both people of colour. That proved almost nearly impossible and after a lot of searching I found Devil’s Wake, a YA zombie post-apocalypse novel with some romance thrown in. Steven Barnes and Tananarive Due are a married couple and are both accomplished speculative fiction authors on their own. Devil’s Wake is the first book in this series that they wrote together. I enjoyed this book, it was a nice, quick read that I read while I was sick last week. However, I found the characters weren’t deep enough for my preferences. That’s a problem I’m finding that I’m having with a lot of YA fiction these days now that I’ve realized I like deeply character driven novels. Still it was a fun year and I’d recommend it to someone who enjoys YA fiction.

Fifteen Dogs by André Alexis. I read Fifteen Dogs last year for CanLit Bingo 2016 and loved it so much I decided to read it again, this time in audiobook format. Fifteen Dogs is a really interesting, excellent allegory about human nature, intelligence, humanity, culture and society as Hermes and Apollo grant 15 dogs human intelligence as part of a bet. I’m pretty new to audiobooks, having only listened to two before. I’m really liking the narration for this book, as it’s narrated by the author and Alexis does a really good job.

Arrival by Ted Chiang. This collection of short stories has been on my radar for a while now, well before the movie came out. And I haven’t seen the movie yet but it did remind me that I should put a library hold on it though before there’s a rush of people who saw the movie wanting to read it. I love this collection, so, so much. It’s everything I love in sci-fi and short fiction. Chiang has a really good skill to be able to tell these stories and ideas in such few pages. I’m reading against the clock with this one since it’s so popular at the library that I can’t renew it. But this is such a good collection that I recommend everyone consider reading.

    [Wrap-up] Every week is #BorrowAThon for me #BorrowAThon is a ReadAThon that ran from March 19-26. It was the second time this ReadAThon happened and I was happy to join along since library books are practically my entire aesthetic.