#kyou.txt

[orange-orchard-system]

Hand flapping isn't enough I need to have a tail I can wag hard enough that anyone who gets too close to it is in danger of being bruised

[iuciferic]

I usually don’t make text posts on tumblr because I use this site as an archive for the artwork I post online and I think keeping boundaries online is good. But it’s way too long for Twitter and I’m thanking people who use tumblr in it. But I’ve been self reflecting. Well actually, I’ve been reading the work of Nagata Kabi so it inspired me to write this. This is NOT a negative post btw.

TLDR: if I don’t believe in myself, I gotta believe in the people who believe in me

So. I’m my biggest critic, constantly annoyed at how slow my skills progress, unable to see the good or a single quality in it, basically just posting it the same way you’d hand over a test you clearly failed but at least you tried. Well, today I was scrolling my own blog and scrutinizing my own work. But in between all the work there were all those asks from people who made the step forward to come and express what they think about it. Usually when this happens I brush it off as “oh well, they’re just trying to be nice. I will thank them because I appreciate their kindness in trying to make me feel better”. But if it was the case, they’d probably just leave a like or, they don’t know me so they’d probably just ignore it. I kept reading everyone’s asks inbetween criticizing myself and it made me realize, while criticizing myself is GOOD (it means I see my past mistakes and I’m one step closer to improving), I focus too much on the negative. Some asks were pointing things I never notice about my own work. I think it’s like our own appearance. Many of us will think it’s nothing special but other people will like it. Actually this might be a bad analogy.

I wanted to thank each person (who was off anon so I could directly message them) individually but I’m actually a very shy person and I felt embarrassed like “hey, uhh, yeah that asks you probably don’t remember you sent? I read it 2 months later again and I’d like to thank you again”. I assume replying to old stuff is universally seen as weird by other people. The people might be weirded out. But in case any of you read it (anon or not, know that I am really thankful for everything and it’s thanks to you that I’m having this surge of happiness right now).

This triggered a lot of memories. Back in October, when I was drawing a lot of armored core stuff, I got an email in Japanese. At first I thought it was some google translated bot but, it was actually proper Japanese (if easy to make the difference, even if your level is low). The person was complimenting my armored core stuff and later they actually revealed themselves on twitter. It made my week to know that someone would write such a long email just because they saw what was to me a picture online I just felt “meh” about, saying that they wanted to learn to draw now. (The email was very long, I can’t just dismiss someone writing all that)

Also since I was laid off from my studio job last year, I still received freelance work doing concepts and IU for smaller games (and was even requested to do more work for the previously mentioned studio) and was able to live comfortably thanks to that. But to me it was nothing, like I refused to acknowledge my own achievements. I mean everyone has a job. Why would I congratulate myself? Because you’re doing the job you’ve always dreamed of. Yeah, it’s not a in-house permanent contract, sure I’m not working on AAA, but freelance work is still work and small indie games are often the ones doing unique and interesting things. Plus it’s not the 90’s anymore where you could have a part time job on something that would become a cult classic. The joy I felt the first time I’ve seen my name in the credits roll of a game felt like a victory after a long battle. So yeah.

I still DO need to improve drastically if I want to grow as an artist and get hired on bigger projects and have the career I dream of. (I also need to keep studying for my N2 haha). But I’m happy of what I’ve achieved so far and I’m thankful from the bottom of my heart for the people who voiced themselves to remind me to stop looking at a small detail instead of the bigger picture. We’re all works-In-progress so even if we’ve been shitters so far, doesn’t meant it’s over and we can’t get better. Also I’m conscious I’m lucky enough to have people voicing their feedback, while smaller artists don’t. If anyone has ever complimented your artwork, I would advise to read what they said again.

Also I’ve been contracted to do creature/monster design on a console game starting next week so I’m going to go and beat FF7 Rebirth in 4 days before I’m unable to play it for the rest of the month. 🫡

[marcusbutworse-archive]

Is bed time.

[fjdsijdfjhgdg]

nyatw --> bsdz

please lms if you see!

[ningiou]

Posting it here because I can’t post it anywhere else, not many people know I have a blog that isn’t my art blog.

I never tell people I meet online i’m black, especially guys. Because if they’re white at some point they’ll either make a shitty racist joke or repeat the N-word. It’s kinda shitty when it comes from the mouth of people you like. I’m starting to feel like I should stay with my own people only. Like I’m very spiteful and even though they apologize most of the time i’m like “you still say these shits when i’m not around”. And when I read things from white guys around me, who call me their friend, what they think about black people and they didn’t expect me to reat it i’m like :))))))))

Kinda sucks that 90% of white guys i’m friends with are like that. They’re cool, i have fun with them but then I always discover this side of them.

Also I don’t give a shit if you’re arabian, asian, indian, whatever, don’t you say “nigga” if you’re not black. Not there’s no difference between -er and -a you lose booty roach. This needed to come out because it has been happening a lot lately since i’ve met a lot of people and most of them happen to be guys. Yes i know you can’t expect people to be perfect but i didn’t know expecting people to not say racially charged things was expecting perfection lmao.

[orange-orchard-system]

"But I didn't notice you switching! I didn't see you acting differently!!" You did, actually, you just phrased it as:

"You're quieter than usual."

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Quite the chatterbox today, aren't you?"

"But you said (x opinion) earlier!"

"You don't need to use big words, you can talk like you normally do."

"You're too old to play pretend."

"I thought you liked/didn't like (x)?"

"What's the occasion for this sudden fanciness/attention to detail?"

"When did you gain such an attitude?"

"You're such a strange child."

"Your demeanor changed."

"It's like you see (x) and a switch is flipped."

"Don't act like you're a little kid."

"What's with the sudden accent?"

"Are you alright?"

"Talking like a Victorian child now, are you?"

"You're so... quirky."

Just because you didn't know the word for what was going on doesn't mean it didn't happen. You just substituted what you didn't know with what you saw as the most logical conclusion (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, it's just when you continue to press your assumption even when told what the reality is that you become rude). It's not your fault that you missed the signs, but the signs were there, and we'd like to have some acknowledgement of that.

[iuciferic]

Happy Black History Month!

The first outfit is from the Bamiléké culture. The second outfit from the ewondo beti culture. My Ivalice Paladin redesign was inspired by Northern cameroonian fantasia outfits. The last creature is my design of Mami Wata, a female African water monster

I am a junior concept artist working for a game studio on a MMORPG. In my free time, I create a story called Sol Invictus inspired by Final Fantasy Tactics and Nier, which will become a video game in 2025. In the meantime, i make OC threads like this one on twitter. (But i did post some here)

I'm french Cameroonian, so I have a double culture I use a lot of elements from Celtic, gallo-roman and Cameroonian cultures in my writing.

Otherwise, I love drawing monsters and mechs, I'm a huge Gundam nerd. English is not my first language so my grammar can be poor at times

[orange-orchard-system]

This has been in our drafts for ages, but a recent poll we reblogged got us thinking about it again, so here's a tip for other systems (especially newly discovered systems) that we consider very helpful

Sometimes, being a system can feel dehumanizing or like you've lost control of your life. You have to share everything with the other people in your body – where's your privacy? Where's your individuality? What can you do to carve out something of your own in the world? These kinds of questions, even if said with other sentiments, can be a struggle to answer as a system.

However, my system – inspired by other systems we've seen doing this – have a solution! Or at least, part of one. You'll still likely have to go through some emotional work to answer the above questions and find what's most comfortable for you. But for us, when one of us is feeling insecure or needs some individuality, there's something simple we do...

... We give each other gifts!

Or, more accurately, we choose something we want or have to be a certain system member's possession. It could be a project, a shirt, a toy, whatever works for them! Then they get to establish rules about the other system members touching Their Thing™, and have the most important say in anything regarding it. This isn't to say that other members would necessarily never get to touch or use that thing again, but rather, that the system member who it belongs to would get to choose on what terms others are allowed to touch it, the same way you might set a rule with a roommate about touching your things.

For example, Chara's Thing™ is a green cardigan. When we're going somewhere and they're going to be fronting for at least a majority of the time, they decide if we're going to pack it, and if they want to leave it at home or wear it out on bad days when they could use the comfort. They're alright with the rest of us wearing it if we want, but would prefer we be extra careful about not staining or losing it. If there was a situation where we'd have to negotiate on the cardigan, like if we needed space in a suitcase that the cardigan was taking up, we would have a discussion on how to compromise in the situation so that everyone is happy, such as what other things we could take out of the suitcase instead of the cardigan, or if we could wear the cardigan on our trip instead of packing it. Chara would get the final say in this discussion, but it's unlikely that we'd all end up unhappy.

We have other examples of this, too. Alterisa has a writing project she doesn't mind if we work on as long as we check with her before publishing, Kitten has a plushie she likes to bring when we travel, and Tempo's looking into getting a blue and green shirt to be more comfortable with our wardrobe. All of these things make them feel more secure in our system, and more comfortable with sharing most of our life since they always have something they can call their own.

If you're struggling with your individuality as part of a system, try starting with one small thing as your own! Choose something for yourself, establish some boundaries for others interacting with it, and enjoy having something to call your own. It doesn't have to be anything big – it could be as simple as a music playlist or a cool rock you found. Hang in there; life can be tough, but you can be tough, too.

[iuciferic]

I hope 2024 is kind to us all

[orange-orchard-system]

Small Annoyances as a Polyfragmented System

There are certain patterns and events that we see in our life (mainly in system spaces) that get under our skin as a polyfrag system that smaller systems don't seem to be able to relate to. In an attempt to spread information on what it's like to be a polyfrag system – because goodness knows it's hard to find that – we've created this list of those annoyances, along with examples and explanations of why we find them annoying. Although, this turned into a vent post by the end, so... you have been warned!

Disclaimer: this post mainly applies to our personal experiences. We're sure that other polyfrag systems (and probably other large systems) may be able to relate to some of the things here, but you don't have to relate to any or all of them to be a real polyfrag system.

Polyfragmented Annoyances:

Most system tips do not work with our system because they're based in having a small member count. Anything that starts with "Have every system member..." is a no-go, because it is impossible for us to include every system member in system activities. There's a bunch of people in dormancy, whole sidesystems that we've barely explored, and even counting only the members we know could potentially participate, that's still hundreds of people to go through. It's not gonna work out. "Every system member" is not an achievable goal.

Blurring and other identity confusion happens a lot more often than you'd think, since a lot of us are fragments or otherwise not "full" headmates. When you don't check all the boxes to be a fully independent system member and constantly need at least one other member around to get even basic stuff done, it can be easy to lose track of where the line between you and another system member is.

On that note, co-fronting is a necessity and people outside the system (whether system or singlet) don't seem to understand that very often. We need to have multiple people in front – our system is not designed to have only one person alone controlling the body and aware of what's going on. Whereas most other systems experience negative side effects if they have too many headmates fronting, we more often experience negative side effects if not enough headmates front, and that can create a lot of estrangement when the former is usually the only example of fronting arrangement issues you can find. In addition, people outside the system (mostly singlets, but some systems too) don't seem to understand the implications of "We usually/almost always have a crowded front." Any interactions you have with one of us are going to be overseen, filtered through, and influenced by everyone else in front; if you're building a relationship* with one of us, you're probably building a relationship with several others, too.

Having to do so much more work to keep track of everyone. Organizing headmates by sidesystem, subsystem, etc can be a hassle, and system mapping becomes a lot more difficult when you've got a lot of people to include in your map. You not only have to frequently register new members in things such as Pluralkit and SimplyPlural, but you have to update that data as they learn more about themselves and the system develops, so we end up taking hours to just sit down and go through as many headmates as we can. Simply put, keeping any records of our system is so much more complicated because we're polyfragmented, even if it's just something basic like writing down everyone's names.

Introjects often face a name struggle that they wouldn't if we were a smaller system. Because of how often we get multiple introjects of the same character or person, every introject is expected to take up some kind of nickname so they can be more easily identified and identity issues aren't too frequent, which is its own troublesome process. Especially when we see small systems who don't need to do this... it can make us a bit jealous at times.

It's difficult to find anything about systems of our size. Most systems on platforms like TikTok and YouTube are small, so it's hard to find videos about larger systems. Most systems in fiction, whether they're positive representation or the usual stock-horror serial killer stereotype, have a small number of members so audiences don't get lost or confused. Even within the system community in settings like on Tumblr, it can be hard to find other large systems talking about their own experiences and how they differ from smaller systems – in fact, the experiences of small systems are seen as the "right" experiences in some cases, so if a large system goes outside of that, they are seen as "faking," "promoting unhealthy behavior," etc. We just want to find posts about us that go beyond one-sentence shout-outs, c'mon.

Related to that second-to-last bit, common polyfrag experiences are treated as automatic signs of "faking." Oh, you have a lot of headmates? Faker! You have more than one introject of or from the same source? Faker! You gain new members easily? Faker! Your headmates have highly specific roles? Faker! Some headmates don't have roles because others already handle those jobs? Faker! You often have multiple people in co-front or co-con? Faker! JFC, why is my existence automatically seen as a lie?! A lot of these fakeclaimers supposedly "support" polyfrag systems, too, but then the second a polyfrag system is, y'know, polyfrag, oooohhhh noooo, time to write a call-out about how they're "obviously faking it."

*"Relationship" is used as a general term here and does not refer solely to romantic relationships.

In conclusion, being polyfragmented comes with a lot of small annoyances that aren't helped by how, even in system spaces, we're often misunderstood, mocked, and fakeclaimed. It'd be nice to find more content or resources about/for polyfrag systems, but I'm not holding my breath.

[orange-orchard-system]

Okay but affection between headmates is so good and lovely??

It's the "I don't like this but I bought it because I know you do"

It's the "This is your favorite song; I'll sing along for you since you'd do that if you were fronting"

It's the "I wrote a reminder for you because I know you have trouble remembering things"

It's the "I'm going to ask our gatekeeper to help us switch so you can enjoy this, too"

It's the "I'm going to take away the bad memories until you're ready to unpack them with me"

It's the "Let me help you by taking care of the parts of our life you struggle with"

It's the "Let's talk this out and come up with a solution to the problem together"

It's the "I took extra care of the body today so you have a good time fronting"

It's the "What do you think? I value your opinion"

It's learning that being a bother can be a love language; that putting in extra work to make someone happy isn't necessarily a red flag for your relationship with them; that people like to go out of their way for the people they care about, and you don't have to feel bad for enjoying their kindness.

I'm so grateful for my system.

[iuciferic]

I beat the final boss of yaoi

[orange-orchard-system]

Shout-out to all the system members with really specific roles!

The ones who run the dishwasher. The ones who take the body's meds. The ones who just exist as a work persona, never mind performing the system's job. The ones who suppress or stop negative/self-hating/intrusive thoughts. The ones who set the table. The ones who dress the body. The ones who put down the phone because it's late and you need to go to sleep. The ones who wash the body's hair. The ones who ask strangers for help or directions because everyone else is too nervous to. The ones who make dessert. The ones who cash the checks. The ones who fold the clothes. The ones who brush the body's teeth. The ones who set the alarm clocks. And so many more.

The ones who never expect to see themselves on a positivity post about system roles. Thank you for all you do for your system!

[orange-orchard-system]

Might be edging close to syscourse with this post, but I find it rather unfortunate that feeling positive or just not feeling much of anything at all when it comes to gaining new headmates is seen as "unhealthy" at best and "fetishizing DID" at worst. Like, my dude, this is just my way of making my new system members feel welcome; I wouldn't say it's "unhealthy" of me to take steps and hold viewpoints that help me achieve functional multiplicity. And I think it's rather rude to say the way I accept my polyfragmented DID – and the fact that it comes with having/gaining lots of system members – is "fetishizing DID." What's next? You gonna tell me that because I've accepted my ADHD and the way I'm easily distracted/forgetful, I'm "fetishizing ADHD"? Must I publicly languish and declare my hatred for myself and my life every time I lose track of time for you to not see me as a faker?

It's just ridiculous, in my opinion. "Unhealthy" my ass – refusing to hate myself for parts of my life that aren't going away any time soon is the healthiest thing I've ever done.

[iuciferic]

welcome to my blog

[orange-orchard-system]

News Summary: "The blind woman who switched personalities and could suddenly see"

We recently discovered this article on how disability can affect different headmates through a post by @sophieinwonderland, and as we like to summarize news articles on plurality for others to have an easier time understanding them, we decided to do that with this article, too! Keep in mind this summary will be influenced by what we found most interesting and important, and you should refer to the news article itself if you want details.

(Heads up before we begin summarizing – the language in the article when referring to the system is very different from what most of the plural community would use, so we substituted those words for more commonly used terms, such as "headmates" instead of "personalities." The base story has not been affected by these changes.)

Here is our summary as we understand the article:

A woman named "B.T." (presumably named as such to stay as anonymous as possible) was in an accident when she was a young woman, and was diagnosed with blindness due to brain damage following this accident. She also has Dissociative Identity Disorder.

As she was seeking treatment for her DID, she discovered that some of her headmates (referred to as "personalities" in the text) could regain sight when fronting, while others were left blind. Over time, more headmates regained their sight, until there were only two who were blind when fronting.

Doctors wanted to know how this happened, and came to the conclusion that her blindness was a psychological problem, not a physiological one. The initial misdiagnosis came from an assumption that, because there was no damage to her eyes, her blindness must be caused by brain damage from the accident.

(Side note not very relevant to this story, but B.T.'s headmates vary in the languages they can speak – some spoke only in English, while others spoke only in German, and some could speak in both. Just a little interesting tidbit about headmates and language!)

The story goes into more detail from there.

A few years into psychotherapy was when B.T.'s sight began to return. It was at first limited to one headmate, who could recognize words but not individual letters, but over time she recovered more, to the point most of her headmates could see most of the time. This is what cast doubt on the initial diagnosis of brain damage causing B.T.'s vision loss.

The possibility of B.T. lying about her disability was disproven through an EEG test, which showed no brain activity that would indicate sight while her blind headmates were fronting.

The current theory is that something related to the accident caused B.T.'s brain to remove the ability to see as a coping mechanism. This may be because in intensely emotional situations such as a traumatic accident, some people may wish to become blind, so that they do not need to see. The brain already does something similar under other circumstances, such as keeping someone from seeing double by removing one of the images they see.

The article goes on to discuss the controversial history of DID as a diagnosis, and how some don't believe it exists. The doctors involved in this case argue against this belief, saying that their findings show that DID can be related to one's biology. Another doctor, uninvolved with the case directly, says that this case study shows that DID "is a legitimate psycho-physiologically based syndrome of psychological distress."

In conclusion: A woman with DID had the cause of her blindness misdiagnosed, which was only discovered when some of her headmates gained the ability to see while others remained blind. The case study of this event supports the idea that DID is a real disorder that has both psychological and physiological effects on whoever has it.

This news story was published on November 24th in 2015 by The Washington Post, and was written by Sarah Kaplan. We hope you enjoyed this news summary!