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bluespruce25 · 4 years

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A Life for a Life to Balance the Scales

CW: Suicide/self-sacrifice

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Chapter 4 of 5: Goodbye, My Loves

Cat Grant had not made herself easy to find in the last few years, since her display of heroics in the Daxamite invasion and the unfortunate series of events that led to the resignation of President Marsden. She had continued her work behind the scenes, quietly moving the world towards a brighter future without any of the recognition she had been used to in her previous life as National City’s preeminent Queen of all Media.

Imagine her surprise, then, when she heard a knock at the door of her secluded Swiss Chalet, purchased through a shell company of a shell company and in no way tied back to her name. Her eyebrows rose and a small smirk played at the edge of her lips as she opened the door and recognized her unexpected guest.

“Director J’onzz, to what do I owe the pleasure?”

Wine glass in hand, she turned her back to him and walked further into the chalet. She assumed he would follow, which he did.

“Ms. Grant, I wish I could say it is a pleasure, but unfortunately, I am here with a rather heavy heart.”

This piqued her interest, “Oh? Do tell, director.”

“Ms. Grant, as you know, Supergirl has not been seen in National City for several weeks.”

“Yes, I had heard something to that effect. Let me guess, you need my help to track her down?”

J’onn looked at her with cloudy eyes, she was starting to sense that her levity in this conversation was out of place, like perhaps she had missed something crucial. It was enough to make her listen closely to what he said next with an unusual gravitas.

“I am sorry to tell you that Supergirl is dead. After killing Lex Luthor, Supergirl cremated Lex’s body in the fires of the sun and then followed willingly in his path.”

Cat’s face froze, her mouth hung slightly open, an unusual display of feeling for the former CEO and always bad-ass.

“I’m sorry Director J’onzz. I seem to have misheard you.” She gestured with her wine glass in her hand, index finger coming away from the glass to point at J’onn. “It sounded like you just said that Supergirl flung herself and her arch-nemesis into the sun.”

“In a manner of speaking.”

Cat sat down heavily on the nearest surface, luckily it happened to be the arm of her sofa.

“You and I both know that this simply isn’t possible. Supergirl would never give up hope. She would never take away National City’s superhero willingly.”

“She would if it was the only way to take out Earth’s greatest threat.” J’onn retorted.

Cat paused at this, she hated to admit it, but Lex Luthor might have been the only thing in this world that could have motivated Supergirl to give up willingly.

“And just say I believe you, Director, what does this have to do with me? I haven’t seen Supergirl in years.”

“Before she died, Supergirl recorded a message for you and asked that I make sure it finds its way into your hands.”

“I see. And I suppose this conversation” Cat gestured back and forth between them with her wine glass, “is off the record?”

J’onn sighed, once a media mogul, always a media mogul. Thankfully, he had prepared for this line of questioning.

“Yes and no. This meeting, this discussion between you and I, is off the record. However, Supergirl asked that you be the one to break the story. Everything you need and the message she left for you can be found on this drive.” With this J’onn removed the USB drive from his shirt pocket and held it out between two fingers for Cat to take.

Before she could remove it from his grasp, he held it tighter, locking eyes with her over the USB. “She looked up to you more than anyone, you know.”

Cat blinked, took the USB and turned away to hide the tears threatening to fall. By the time she turned back, seconds later, she had squared her jaw and there was no trace of the emotions that had threatened to spill over.

“Thank you, Director J’onzz; for everything. I will do our girl justice, I promise you.”

“I know that you will.”

And with that the uniform-clad man strode out of her house closing the door behind him, and Cat was left to process everything that had just transpired. She paused for a moment and took a swig of her wine. Then, she sat down to her desk and plugged the USB into her laptop in one smooth motion.

---

A few hours later Cat stood on the balcony of her chalet overlooking the serene, snow-covered peaks all around her, breathing in the crisp mountain air. She cast her eyes into the sky, the stars on full display in the cloudless night. “One benefit of living in a secluded valley in the heart of the Swiss alps is the lack of light pollution,” she reflected morosely.

There she stood for a while, wine glass still twirling between her fingers, her arms crossed and the hand holding the glass resting just in front of her shoulder. The tear tracks on her cheeks shone faintly in the moonlight, the only evidence of her heartbreak.

She spoke reverently, seemingly to the stars themselves, “Rest in power, Supergirl.” Then, even more softly, she added, “Be at peace, Kara.”

As she turned to go inside, her last murmur caught on the wind. “Tch... I mean glasses as a disguise, really.”

She shook her head, a thoughtful look on her face as she walked through the doors and back over to her laptop on the coffee table. The eulogy of the most beloved citizen of Earth wasn’t going to write itself, after all.

---

“Alex, honey? Can I come in?” Eliza asked as she knocked lightly on the door to the guest room. Alex couldn’t bring herself to stay in the bedroom she had shared with Kara for five years before going off to college. Kelly was helping Andrea manage the fallout of the failed Obsidian North Worldwide Unity Festival, but she would be making her way to Midvale on the evening train.

As Eliza opened the door a crack to check on Alex, she found her daughter sitting on the edge of the bed absentmindedly fiddling with the crystal hung from a plain silver chain around her neck.

“Alex?” Eliza repeated. This time, Alex looked up at her, the far off look slowly faded as her mom came back into focus. “Honey, I know this has been hard, but I think it’s time. You have to say goodbye. It’s been three weeks since J’onn arrived from Mars, and I think you need the closure.”

Alex broke their eye contact, looking down at her hands.

Eliza followed her cue and looked out the window towards the beach.

“She sent me one too, you know?” Alex looked up at this. “She told me that she loved me and thanked me for taking her in.” Eliza dropped her gaze to her hands, Alex was quick to pull the closest one into her own lap to hold, encouraging Eliza to continue.

“She said that she hoped she made me proud and that she was sorry for Jeremiah, for coming in and blowing up our perfect family; for setting things on fire with her heat vision and that terrible attitude she had when she first got here.” Eliza brought her gaze to Alex’s face, “and you know what Alex? I was so mad .” Eliza looked up at the ceiling for a moment, “I was so mad at her. After everything we’ve all been through, I loved her as my own daughter. I have felt every heartbreak and every joy right alongside her since she was thirteen years old, and after all these years, the last thing she has to say to me is to apologize for being a burden. Everything we’ve been through together, all of the love we’ve shared and the legacy of our family is reduced to tragedy and apologies.”

Alex blinked, not sure what to do with what Eliza was saying; stunned to hear feelings that so closely mirrored her own.

“The last thing I will ever have of her,” Eliza paused, choosing her next words carefully, “is her wishing that she hadn’t caused so much trouble. That we had been spared having her come into our lives. Can you believe that? The last words I will hear my daughter say are that she wished she had never become my daughter.”

Eliza sniffled, just keeping the tears at bay.

“I know that she didn’t mean it like that, I do. But I am so mad , Alex. I am mad that she is gone. I’m mad that she could ever have believed that I would change a single thing about raising her, about loving her. I’m mad that I will never get the chance to scold her for it.” Eliza let out a forced chuckle. “I am so mad that I will never get to hold her in my arms and tell her how much I love her, and how mad I am that she made this decision; how mad I am that she could ever question the blessing she has been in my life.”

Eliza patted Alex’s hands entwined with hers. “So take your time, Alex. Feel whatever it is you need to feel. You’ll get no judgement from me. When you’re ready, hear what she has to say and afterwards, I think you should let Kelly make a recommendation for someone for you to see.”

---

A few hours had passed since her mom looked in on her when Alex finally looked up, away from her hands. The sun had just about set, casting long shadows across the first floor room. Her jaw was set, firm, and her eyes held a singular intent. Slowly, she got up and made her way upstairs. Opening the door to their bedroom, she took in every detail: the NSYNC posters and the paisley bedspreads; the telescope and star charts. She closed her eyes against the memories that poured in.

Making her way into the middle of the room, she set up the mini crystal projector that J’onn had leant her. She pulled the necklace off over her head and looked down at it for a moment, studying it before she placed it in the console. She adjusted the projector so that the hologram would appear just over Kara’s bed. She wrapped her arms around the nearest teddy bear and sat cross-legged on top of her comforter. As she got settled in, Kara’s face flickered into view. The hologram wasn’t even fully formed as the first sob broke through Alex’s lips, wracking her whole body. Still, she carried on through blurred eyes.

“Oh Alex, I am so sorry. You must be so mad at me right now. I am so, so sorry. I had to do it Alex. I had to kill Lex. It was the only way. You are the only one who can understand this, who can understand why I had to do this. Killing Lex was the only way to stop him from hurting more people and it had to be me that did it. I am the only person in the world who could have surprised him like that.”

Kara went on to recount the events that Alex had already pieced together as part of their investigation. Kara had ambushed Lex at a little known barbershop downtown. She had flown them directly to the Fortress of Solitude without stopping and had immediately killed him with a lethal overdose of morphine. They had the footage from the Fortress so they already understood her motives and everything she explained to Lex before he lost consciousness, and eventually his heartbeat. Alex was surprised to learn about the Vanishing Point and how Supergirl had memorized his heartbeat. Kara had never talked about the Vanishing Point, or Crisis, not if she could help it.

It somehow made it worse, hearing everything in Kara’s own words. Knowing, definitively, that this wasn’t some elaborate ruse. Knowing that Kara Zor-El, Supergirl, had killed Lex Luthor in the name of justice and then flown him and herself into the sun.

Alex tuned back in as she heard Kara transition to the part where she got into the pod.

“Alex, there is something I need you to understand. About why I had to go too. As you know from the existence of these crystals, my death was not an accident. The truth is that Lex Luthor had to die, Supergirl had to be the one to kill him, and Supergirl does not kill. The moment Lex’s heart stopped beating, Supergirl ceased to exist.”

“I know what you’re going to say” Kara continued as if they were debating pineapple on pizza rather than her death, “‘ You are more than Supergirl. Kara Danvers is my sister.’ And you’re right, Alex. You are absolutely right. Kara Danvers is more than just Supergirl, but, like Kara Danvers, Supergirl is just another piece of Kara Zor-El.”

“I had to face justice for the crime of killing Lex, just as he had to face justice for killing dozens of innocent people, for all of the crimes and murders committed in his schemes. By killing him, I became no better than Lex Luthor, and therefore, my only choice was to join him in the judgement of the sun. I’m not sure if you’ll ever believe me or agree, but it had to be this way.”

Alex could feel herself shaking, the tears falling freely and her hands balled up into fists at her side, but Kara couldn’t see her, couldn’t hear her fuming, so Kara continued.

“I am sorry for causing you pain, Alex. I’m sorry that I can’t be there for you, to help you through this. But I had to do the right thing. I had to end Lex’s hold on us. Everything I have done, I have done out of love for Earth and for you, for our family. I have done everything I can to help people, but I cannot help people as the monster that Lex always feared I would become. My time on Earth is over, and if I want my legacy to mean anything, then Supergirl has to die with Lex. Not just in spirit, not just in name. I have to atone for my sins just as he did. We both always knew, if it came down to it, I would sacrifice myself to save my planet; to save Earth. I hoped it wouldn’t come to that, but this time it did.”

At this, the hologram of Kara leaned forward,

“Alex, all I have ever wanted is for you to be happy. I know that this choice will only make that harder, but I hope that you will still find your happy ending. I hope that you have someone who can keep you grounded and can teach you to love yourself. No matter what though, Alex, you have to put yourself first. You have to love yourself as fiercely as you loved me.”

Kara smiled, one last brilliant smile, for Alex, “You will never know how blessed I was to have Alex Danvers for a sister. You are my best friend and my biggest supporter. Supergirl could never have made it all those years without you in her corner. Now that I’m gone, I ask that you support the others as you have supported me. Help Lena build the world that we know is possible. Lead the DEO into a new future, one where it helps aliens more than it hurts them, where it protects all citizens of Earth equally. Be there for Clark. He is now truly the last Son of Krypton. He will need people who understand, and we both know that it’s a pretty short list.”

Alex scoffed, “ Yeah no pressure there, Kara. Jesus.”

“I love you, Alex. Thank you for being my sister, for showing me the light, and for introducing me to NSYNC.” Alex’s eyes flit up to the posters above her sister’s bed. “There are no words for the joy you have brought into my life. Thank you for every moment of it.”

Kara’s face shuttered and disappeared as the hologram powered down.

---

Alex was sitting on the bed, her whole body shaking in rage, her breaths coming in hiccups. A moment later, she was screaming at the empty space above Kara’s bed, not looking at the console now laying upended on the floor with the offending pillow next to it. She let out another wordless cry, falling to her knees with her head in her hands. She didn’t hear Eliza come up the stairs, or hear her call her name. Supergirl’s big sister was all alone with her grief until the moment she felt their mom wrap her arms around her, as Alex scrambled to hold onto them like a lifeline, like she would fall to pieces without her mother’s love holding her together.

“How could she?!” Alex said softly, not expecting an answer, not really wanting one. Eliza just held her tighter, rocking her back and forth as she repeated, “I’ve got you, Alex. I’ve got you.” over and over, rubbing circles on her daughter’s back. Hours later, Kelly let herself in and found them curled up together, asleep in Alex’s childhood bed. She looked around and took in the console and the crystal with the simple chain that she recognized from around Alex’s neck. She leaned down to plant a soft kiss on Alex’s temple and brushed her knuckles across the short stands of red hair that had fallen across the agent’s forehead. Without making a sound, she backed slowly out of the room, closing the door just enough that they won’t be disturbed as she unpacked downstairs.

---

Lena was where she always was, in her lab, working intensely on her computer, running algorithm after algorithm to try to find any other combination of elements, any other explanation for the energy readings after the solar flare. Her eyes were dry and stony as she took a swig of her room-temperature coffee, grimacing as she swallowed instead of spitting it back out. She had no idea what time it was, let alone how long it had been since that coffee was fresh. The fluorescent lights in her lab followed no circadian rhythm and years of being CEO before Crisis had completely demolished her own. The lights weren’t doing anything to hide the deep circles under her eyes, the product of too many hours in the lab and not enough sleep. Kara would be so mad that she wasn’t taking care of herself. “Then again, this time it’s Kara’s fault, isn't it?” Lena thought ruefully. It had been 28 days, four weeks, since the solar flare.

She blinked her eyes back into focus on the monitor in front of her.

As she was about to run her one million and twelfth algorithm, she heard the door behind her open with a soft whoosh. Her heart skipped a beat involuntarily. She knew it wasn't Kara. She knew, intellectually, that Kara wouldn’t be the one walking through her door, but she couldn’t help the flicker of hope in her eyes as she turned to face Alex. Her jaw clenched and she turned back to the monitor.

“How can I help you, Director Danvers?” “Is Alex even the director of the DEO any more?” Lena had lost track with Crisis, and then Lex’s revisionist history, and now his demise. She supposed it couldn't hurt to call all the once and former directors by that title until someone corrected her. “ Maybe it’s like being Secretary of State, or President, once a Madame Secretary, always a Madame Secretary , ” she mused.

Alex sighed, “I’m not giving up, Lena. I don’t care what she says or what’s on the crystals.” She gestured to the crystal laying on its side, acting as a priceless paperweight for the barely organized piles of academic journals and fringe publications that Lena had stacked haphazardly all over the lab. “ God, what would Lillian say to see my lab in this state,” Lena thought with ire. Without turning she spit out, “Just leave, Alex. I’ll find you when I know something.”

Alex didn’t move, didn't leave. Lena was about to raise her voice when she heard an unexpected visitor call her name, softly.

Stunned, Lena turned around to face them, “Eliza?” she asked, wondering if her overtired eyes were finally deceiving her.

“What are you doing here? Is everything okay? Why aren’t you back in Midvale?” The “ where you belong ” at the end of the sentence was merely implied, but not lost on Eliza.

“Sweetie,” Lena bristled at the pet name. Eliza opened her arms, palms facing up and out “I don’t expect you to give up, or to stop looking. I know that if the roles were reversed, Kara would do the same.” Lena’s nostrils flared at the mention of Kara’s name, as if Eliza, as if any of them could say what Kara would do. Obviously they couldn’t, or they would have stopped her from flying herself into the sun like an idiot.

Lena maintained her silence. Eliza continued, “Whatever happened between you, whatever happened with Kara and Lex, you owe it to yourself to hear what she had to say. You owe it to yourself to hear her side of the story. You can love her for it or hate her for it afterwards, but first you need to hear her out. I know it’s hard, but you don’t want to go to the memorial tomorrow without having had the chance to say goodbye yourself first.”

Lena huffed as her eyes flashed in warning, “I’m not giving up.”

Eliza held up her hand to silence Lena, a glint in her usually soft eyes that Lena recognized but had never before seen in the Danvers matriarch.

“And I’m not asking you to. All I am asking is that you open your heart one last time, to put her voice to rest while you work to find her. Right now, we don’t know how long it could take, or if she will ever come back to us. But she told me to care for you as I have cared for her, and right now, that means helping you find enough closure to pick yourself up and move through the day. I’m sorry, honey. I am so sorry that you have to do this. I am so sorry that she did this to you, to all of us. But we have to keep going. The world needs you. Lex may be gone, but there are plenty of others out there counting on Supergirl’s absence to give them free reign. We can’t let that happen and we need your help to stop them, but you can’t help anyone until you’ve found peace for yourself.”

“I will never find peace while Kara is out there,” Lena started. Eliza opened her mouth to cut in, but this time it was Lena who raised a hand to quiet her. “ But ” she said pointedly, “I will watch the hologram. You’re right. I’ve left it too long. If anything it may hold clues to getting her back.”

“Eliza?” Lena asked softly.

“Yes, dear?”

Lena looked down at where she was pulling on the fingers of her left hand with her right. “I’m so afraid” Lena’s voice broke just as Eliza wrapped her in a tight embrace. “I know sweetie; we all are. You know what Kara used to say? Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage is being afraid, but doing what’s right anyway.”

Lena chuckled and wiped her eyes, “That’s exactly the type of cliche, hallmark rip-off thing Kara Danvers would say.”

They all shared in a quiet laugh that died quickly between them.

Lena inhaled deeply, steadying herself for what she was about to do. She took the crystal from its home atop a handwritten page of algorithms obscured by coffee rings and angrily scribbled out equations.

Turning her back to Alex and Eliza, she walked to the far end of her lab where there was a large area of unoccupied space and a small console awaiting the crystal.

With one last sigh, Lena placed the crystal into the console and watched as Kara’s face flickered into view. Her eyes filled immediately with tears, but this time she didn’t care if they spilled over. She didn’t care about anything other than the cerulean blue eyes staring back at her.

---

“Lena.” Kara started. “I want to start by saying that I am sorry for your loss; sorry to have been the one to take your brother away from you again. It had to be me this time.”

“I know that you will need closure. I have embedded here the recording of his return to the sun. I know that you will need to see it with your own eyes to believe it, especially after the last time. I promise that this time it is done. He cannot hurt you anymore, I made sure of it. If you aren’t ready to see this, you should stop the recording now.”

Kara paused for a moment to give Lena time to decide. Lena didn’t move from where she stood. She wasn’t sure if it is because she couldn’t or because finally, she was truly ready to let Lex go, once and for all. Either way, she waited too long and the hologram of Kara leaned forward to push a button Lena couldn’t see and flickered out of view.

In her place, the image of a body which can only be Lex appeared, backlit by the brightest light Lena had ever seen. She could see the sunlight bouncing off the crown of his shiny bald head. His beard was almost as immaculate as normal. He looked peaceful in this death, unlike the chaotic horror of the last time she saw his dead body before her, her ears still ringing from the shot that she took, the shot that took his life. She appreciated that this time was much more peaceful, more dignified.

She looked past his body to where the colors of the sun churned across its surface. As a scientist, she knew that the sun was a ball of gases, but the limited color range of the hologram made it look deep and varied like the surface of the open ocean, a living, moving place.

She watched as Kara wrapped Lex in her cape, a fine shroud of Kryptonian cloth. Something of Clark’s to go into the void with him. How fitting, how ironic. Lena stared as Kara said a blessing and, without any further fanfare, gently pushed his body towards the sun. His sister watched as Lex’s body erupted into flames and was swallowed in a small solar flare, barely a blip on the surface of the yellow star.

---

Kara turned back towards the pod, her expression inscrutable. The hologram showed her reaching in and then the screen cut back to the previous hologram of her sitting in the pod addressing Lena straight on.

At some point, Lena realized, Alex and Eliza must have excused themselves and stepped out because she was now alone in her lab with only Kara’s hologram in front of her. The only thing Lena could see was Kara’s face, those bright blue eyes brimming with tears; eyes full of the shadows of a home destroyed, not once but twice, of being stuck alone in the Phantom Zone for decades, and then again at the Vanishing Point; the hurt of losing so many over such a short life; the weight of infinite worlds pulling her broad shoulders into a distinctly un-Supergirl-like sag. Lena knew that this wasn’t Supergirl, even if she couldn’t make out the vacancy of the crest ripped off of her chest, Lena would know just from the look in her eyes. Supergirl died the moment Lex’s heart stopped beating. The woman in the hologram in front of her was Kara Zor-El, and Lena Luthor had never loved anyone as much as the beautiful Kryptonian struggling to keep it together long enough enough to say goodbye.

A sob tore its way out of Lena’s throat. Whether it was the confirmation that Lex was, in fact, dead or the devastation in the eyes of the woman she loved, either way it was suddenly too much.

Lena was standing, though barely, with her arm outstretched, the other fluttering uselessly in front of her mouth as her breath hitched and her knees threatened to give out beneath her.

Kara said her name like a benediction, “ Lena ,” and the Kryptonian’s face softened into a warm smile, the one Lena was 70 percent sure was reserved just for her. Kara’s face looked everything like she’d just come home to find Lena in her apartment after a long day at CatCo, like Lena remembered from before; before Shelley Island, before the secret, before everything fell apart between them.

The shock reverberated through her body as Lena’s knees hit the ground, finally overwhelmed by her emotions, but she felt no pain from the impact. She would have had to be capable of feeling physical pain for that, but she couldn’t feel anything except the insides of her heart being pulled apart at the atomic level. For a moment, part of her wondered if that was physically possible and remembered her discussion with Kara about quantum entanglement almost a year prior. There wasn’t enough enriched uranium in the world to build a bomb capable of replicating the searing pain ripping through Lena’s chest.

Coming back to herself, Lena looked up as Kara began speaking.

“I had to do it Lena. There is no one else on this planet who understands why the way you do. You have made the decision I made. You have seen what I have seen, drawn the same conclusions, it was the only way.”

“But..” Kara had the decency to look somewhat ashamed, “understanding why I killed Lex doesn’t necessarily mean you understand why I had to go too. Does it?”

Lena seethed at the understatement . Kara continued, unaware of the incredulity of the woman listening to her speech.

“Lena, you and I both know that as soon as I killed Lex, I became the worst case scenario he ever imagined, the story he used to use to fuel his hate-filled schemes. I became a danger to humans, to Earth. I took the law into my own hands; acted as judge and jury. We both know that death is a paltry justice for the infinite lives lost because of Lex before, during, and after Crisis. The thing is, the rest of the world has no idea. To them, Lex Luthor is a Nobel Peace Laureate, The Man of Tomorrow , a shining example of the best humanity has to offer. Supergirl, then, is just the cold-blooded murderer of her long-time friend and ally.”

Kara sighed.

“Even if the whole world knew the truth about Lex, the real truth, it wouldn’t matter. I betrayed who I am when I killed him. Supergirl does not kill. That’s not just Supergirl, that’s Kara too. All of me killed Lex, and all of me must atone for that. A life for a life to balance the scales.”

Kara looked desperately out of the hologram, every inch of her face pleading with Lena to understand why she did it. “Please Lena, you have to understand. You are the only one that can. I couldn’t do what I needed to do and still be me. I had to sacrifice myself, sacrifice Supergirl so that Lex couldn't hurt anyone ever again. It was the only way. It was a small price for your safety, for the safety of the world.”

Lena chuckled, burying her face in her hands. As much as she wanted to murder Supergirl and strangle Kara, she did understand. Hadn’t she made the same choice a year ago, consequences be damned? She knew better than anyone after Lex and Ben Lockwood and the Children of Liberty that Supergirl killing Lex was exactly the dog whistle they needed to regain legitimacy and launch a renewed attack on aliens everywhere. Lena hated it, thought it was infuriating and stupid, thought that if Kara had just come to her they could have sorted it out, a better solution, but at the same time, she understood it. She had done the same thing. She too had risked everything to rid the world of the menace that was her brother.

Lena understood why Lex had to die, she even understood why killing Lex would be the end of Supergirl, but she would never understand, could never understand why Supergirl had to kill Kara too.

The dark-haired woman’s thoughts were interrupted when the blonde, now crying, repeated the words Kara had once said to her when Lena had been too hurt and too stubborn to listen, she repeated them over and over again, “Lena, I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. Please forgive me.” If only Lena had responded back then the way her heart wanted to respond now.

This time, however, Kara’s pleas for forgiveness were followed by a soft admission Lena was not expecting, “ I love you . I have always loved you, Lena Luthor. You are, and will always be, the best thing that ever happened to me. All the secrets and pushing you away, it was because I couldn’t stand to lose you. Did I ever tell you that your mom tipped her hand once?” Kara asked rhetorically. “About a year into our friendship when you had been taken hostage by Rhea and I was working with Cadmus, with Lillian, to rescue you. She had already kidnapped me and used my adoptive father, Jeremiah, to get to Alex and I. She already knew my identity. I asked her why she never told you, and you know what she said? She said, ‘Eventually, she'll find out on her own. Find out that you've been lying to her all this time. And when she does? She'll hate you for it.’ and I should’ve known better. I should have had more faith in you and in our friendship, but...” Kara paused shaking her head. “I already cared about you so much. When she said that, the thought of losing you, especially when you were being held captive by that psycho on Daxam’s ship. It just put a fear in me that I couldn’t shake. Every single time I tried to tell you, I could see Lillian smirking in the background just waiting to watch our friendship fall apart. The closer we became, and after I realized my love for you, the stakes were just that much higher. Every moment, every hopeful opportunity and then missed chance weighed all the more heavily. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy, a loop that I couldn’t get out of. If I told you, you would hate me, but every second I lied I increased that inevitable hatred ten fold while also delaying it if only slightly. In the end, she was right, but not because of my secret, and not because our friendship was weak, but because I was weak; because I let a secret become a lie. Now that I’m here and I know this is the end, I’m not sure I can forgive myself for wasting what little time we had together. Knowing you for five years just isn’t enough for me. I would’ve taken a lifetime and then asked for an eternity.”

Kara looked so small, her head bowed and her shoulders turned in as if to protect herself.

“The worst part is that I’ll never know what we could have been. If I had more time to fix this, I wonder what we could have been together? I wonder if you would’ve wanted that. I guess now, facing the end, I’m finally ready to ask that outloud, even if I’ll never get to hear your answer.” Kara reflected wistfully.

Lena fell backward from her knees hard onto her tailbone, her legs were bent beside her, one arm caught her as she toppled over. She blinked, incredulous. Before she could even register what was happening, she was getting back on her feet yelling at Kara, at the hologram, with every ounce of pain she had ever felt.

“NO! You don’t get to say that. You do not get to tell me you love me and then leave ! You don’t get to decide for us that we don’t get to figure this out together, to have a future together. You have no right to decide that for both of us.”

“How dare you! HOW DARE YOU!”

“Dammit, Kara. How COULD you? Why didn’t you ever tell me? Why couldn’t you have just said something, anything? You bastard! You self-aggrandizing, arrogant, hero with a god-complex. Why couldn’t you just leave well enough alone ? Why couldn’t you ask for help, you stoic idiot. God, did you ever, in your whole life, stop to think? What the hell are we supposed to do now?”

Lena stopped, but only because she couldn’t continue, not if she wanted to save some air for breathing. Frankly, she wasn’t sure that she did want to breathe, but her lungs were screaming at her, making the decision for her. In the sudden silence, hologram Kara was there. She hadn't spoken since her revelation. “ Maybe she knew I would need time to tell her off,” Lena mused darkly.

In the silence, Kara’s face was pensive, she grabbed the back of her neck and reached for glasses that weren’t there. The small mannerisms perforated a crack down the center of Lena’s breastbone. Kara looked shy, nervous even. Finally she said, “This is it, my love. I have to go now. If I wait any longer the pod won’t be able to make it back to you.”

“I’ve set the console to record what’s going to happen next. This is my last crystal. Like I said before, I know you will need to see it with your own eyes to believe…” Kara’s voice cracked, “to know that I am really gone. The rest of the world may need that too.”

“Just know that I will always be with you, Lena Luthor. I will love you, always . Goodbye my love.”

Kara leaned forward to end the recording, but hesitated, adding, “You should, uh, stop here...if you’re not ready. The rest will be...intense.” Then softly, she added, with her face smoothing into the calm confidence of someone going out to meet death as an old friend, one final, “Goodbye.”

Lena scrambled to the console and ripped the crystal out of its hole. She might have considered herself tough, but there was no way in hell she was ready to see the love of her life die right in front of her.

With the crystal clenched in one hand she sat back down and braced her back against the lab bench, sobbing uncontrollably. It barely registered as Alex and Eliza wrapped their arms around her, but as more and more arms appeared, she realized that everyone was there, the whole Superfamily. Eventually she calmed down, her breathing leveled out, and the group hug dissipated just enough for everyone to collect themselves. There wasn’t a dry eye among them, Lena realized, the thought pinched her heart even tighter.

Lena looked over them with resolve. She cleared her throat and the collective room moved to focus their attention on her.

“I’m…” Lena cleared her throat again as she looked at their faces in turn; James, Kelly, Nia, Brainy, Alex, J’onn, Eliza. “I’m not ready yet to watch the end, but I promise you that when I am, anyone here who wants to be there will be welcome. I know that we all need closure. I am sorry that we have to go into the memorial tomorrow without that last piece, but I...I just need more time.”

Alex was the first to step up. She placed a hand on Lena’s arm and looked directly into her eyes, meeting her gaze. “Take all the time you need, Lena. We are not giving up here. Not on her, and not on you. We will be with you, all of us, every step of the way. We are your family now, and, to quote Kara’s favorite movie,” they all chuckled at this, “Ohana means family, and family means that nobody gets left behind or forgotten.” Lena gave Alex a watery smile, a smile mirrored on everyone’s faces around the room. Finally, Lena bowed her head in acceptance, not of Kara’s death, but of her new family.

Next Chapter

#L4LBS #CW: Suicide/Self-sacrifice #Updated Daily #fanfic #Supercorp #cwsg #Anger is a valid response #finally get to hear what's on Lena's crystal and how she responds #Angry Eliza is my favorite Eliza

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bluespruce25 · 4 years

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A Life for a Life to Balance the Scales

CW: Suicide/Self-sacrifice

Follow #L4LBS for updates | Up on AO3 | Previous Chapter

Chapter 2 of 5: We Go Together

Lena was working alone in her lab to destroy the last vestiges of Non Nocere and considering where to next apply her mind and energy. She needed a new project but had lost faith in her own ability to create and innovate for good. She stood in front of her lab table, tablet in hand, flicking through files and noting ideas. It was taking longer than anticipated because, despite her best efforts, she found her thoughts frequently turning to Kara, to Supergirl, to Kara Zor-El; to that infuriating blonde who almost ruined her life. The time for berating herself for not seeing it sooner had passed. Now, she was working to reconcile the three of them in her mind, hoping to find an answer there that would provide clarity and direction on how to proceed. She wasn’t sure if she had forgiven Kara, but she was finally ready to admit that she still loved her; admit to herself that is; this was not something she would ever admit to Kara. If the revelation of Kara’s secret had proven anything, it was that Kara could not possibly return her feelings. Kara could not be in love with her and yet lie to her every moment they spent together. The way Kara treated her, that was not love. Then again, Lena asked herself with a sigh, “What do I know of love?”

Lost in her daydreams, Lena almost missed the notifications that popped up on the screen of her monitor, then on her tablet, as they filled her displays with increasing urgency. Startled out of her reverie by a particularly aggressive alert in bold red text, Lena swiveled to her computer and started frantically typing.

“No. No no no no no, this can’t be right. This doesn’t make any sense.”

“Unless.”

“Oh god, Kara !”

Lena grabbed her tablet and her bag and ran out the door of the lab.

---

Alex was standing at the war table in the middle of the control room looking wistfully at the second floor balcony. She could just make out the tops of heads where the Superfriends were gathered around Brainy when Lena Luthor came crashing into her line of vision.

Alex was momentarily stunned because there was no universe in which Lena Luther crashed into a room. As Lena flailed herself into a full stop in front of Alex, the agent managed to close her mouth and regain her composure, if just barely.

“It’s Kara, the Sun. Have you seen these readings?”

“Woah, woah there killer. Slow down.” Alex put her hands out as if to steady Lena.

“Alex! Have you seen these readings?!”

“Lena, what are you talking about?” Alex asked as Lena pulled her tablet out of her bag and thrust it in front of Alex’s face.

From what Alex could tell, LuthorCorp’s satellites in deep space had picked up on a massive solar flare. These readings showed one of the most prolific solar flares ever witnessed on Earth.

“Lena, I know. We all saw this two days ago. It’s been all over the news ever since. We are still seeing the geomagnetic storms today. Power has gone out all over the city and half of the country’s servers are down. So much for cloud computing.”

“Alex.”

Alex, looked up. She had never seen Lena Luthor look this disheveled, even with about a dozen assasination attempts in her frame of reference. Lena’s expression was almost wild. Her hair was somewhat disheveled and she was still breathing heavily from running into the room. The flush was resting high in her cheeks and her eyes were wide, frantic. Alex cocked her eyebrow and grasped Lena’s elbow, waiting for her to collect herself enough to elaborate.

“Look at the energy readings. Look at the radiation signature.” Lena was jabbing her finger into the tablet hard enough to make an audible noise.

Alex went pale and looked down at the tablet with new understanding. She felt as the blood drained out of her internal organs. She suddenly didn’t feel quite steady on her own two feet.

“Lena…” Alex said, though barely a whisper. “Lena, these indicators... I don’t know anything that would show up like this...not unless.”

Alex looked up at Lena expectantly, waiting for Lena to tell her that she’s wrong; waiting for the prodigal genius to explain the real reason why the solar flare is giving off readings that would only be possible if a Kryptonian had flung themselves bodily into the sun.

“Alex. Where’s Kara?” Alex opened her mouth, “I...she-,” but she couldn’t finish her answer. Lena repeated, “ Where. Is. Kara? ”

Alex continued to stare unseeing at a nondescript point in space somewhere in the vicinity of Lena’s face.

“ALEX, WHERE IS SHE?! ”

Lena was screaming at Alex and tears were raining down from her cheeks onto the cool polished marble of the DEO floor, but Alex couldn’t move. Alex couldn’t think or breathe or move.

---

Eventually, the sound of Lena crying out wordlessly in pain snapped the agent out of it. She turned on her heel and addressed Vasquez at the control panel.

“Pull up everything we have on the solar flare two days ago. I want radiation signatures, energy readings, thermal imaging, EVERYTHING WE HAVE. And I need it NOW.”

“Yes, ma’am. Right away, Director Danvers.”

Alex was lost in her own thoughts while her agents worked, this cannot be happening. She wouldn’t. She couldn’t do that to us. She doesn’t even have powers in space. It’s not even possible. How would she even get there?

Alex’s body went cold as realization washed over her. Reaching for her phone, she dialed Clark. She turned to face Lena, as she spoke into the phone, “Clark, it’s about Kara. No time to explain. I need you to go to the fortress. Now. As fast as you can. Call me when you get there.”

“Thank you, Clark.”

Lena was standing with her arms down, holding her bag with both hands in front of her. She had regained her composure and the mask Alex was so used to seeing had slipped back into place. The only hint of thoughts hiding behind it was the flash of panic in the way she moved her eyes; the set of her mouth, her lips pressed so thin they may as well be nonexistent, as if she could press her mouth closed hard enough to keep her pain contained inside.

She opened it carefully to ask, “Alex, when did you last see her?”

“She was here two days ago checking on Brainy. She said something about making Lex pay for his crimes and…” Alex reached out and grasped Lena’s left bicep. “Lena, I think she was saying goodbye.” Alex turned to face the empty foyer, the balcony Supergirl used as a personal entrance. “Oh my god. Kara, what have you done?”

“Alex... Director Danvers! ,” Lena grabbed Alex’s arm and shook her as Alex tried to bury her head in her hands, “What did she say about Lex? What was she going to do to him? Does she know where he is?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t say. She just said that he had to pay. That she had to do it for all of us. Lena, I’ve never seen her like that. I think...I think Kara was going to kill Lex.”

“Lex hasn’t been to LuthorCorp in two days. It came up at a board meeting this morning. I assumed that he was skipping town because Brainy had been found and Leviathan defeated.”

Lena turned to Alex again, interrupting her pacing, “Alex, what if she did it? What if Supergirl killed Lex Luthor?”

“Supergirl does not kill.”

“Then where is she?”

***

One thing no one counted on, certainly not Lex, was that Kara had spent a lot of time thinking while she was at the Vanishing Point with all the other Paragons. She still had all her powers, including her superhearing. There was no time at the Vanishing Point, no sun to rise or set, no rhythm to life but the rhythm they gave it. Their bodies were frozen in a moment outside of time and space. The only cycle was the unending dance of sleep and awareness. It had been her little secret that when she couldn’t rest, couldn’t turn off her mind, she would listen to the heartbeats of the other Paragons. Just like she did with Alex’s in Midvale and Lena’s in National City. It was the soundtrack to her misery, her anchor in the void. It was a coping mechanism; meditative almost. It wasn’t too long until she had memorized the heartbeats of every Paragon; including Lex Luthor.

You see, he might have known every power she possessed through his copious research on Kal El, but there’s one secret she’d never given away to anyone. One trick that only she knew, and for once, she could be one step ahead of him in his sick game of chess. She would only have one shot to play this card.

So there she was, hovering high over LuthorCorp, sending out her hearing all across the city, looking for the signature heartbeat she had decided to stop forever.

It took longer than she expected; hours in fact. She knew it would be difficult. Lex traveled in lead-lined and soundproofed cars, and lived and worked in lead-lined and soundproofed rooms. He had built his whole life around thwarting Kal El. But even Lex Luthor had to leave his bubble of safety occasionally.

As soon as he stepped out of the car, she heard it. On the corner of 8th and Main. Using her x-ray vision she narrowed in on a barber shop. Of course his vanity would be his downfall. The beginnings of a smile lifted the corner of her mouth, but it didn’t last long as she steeled herself for what came next.

Lex was lounging in his favorite barber’s chair at the very back of the shop, a warm towel over his face in preparation for his first close shave since Crisis, and boy was he looking forward to it. Lex was a regular at Al’s Corner Shop. He had been relieved to see it still standing in the same place after his return from saving the universe, it was the one thing he hadn’t considered in his adventure with the Book of Destiny, but he was glad that his rare oversight hadn’t cost him the best shave he’d ever found.

As he sat there with a smug grin plastered on his face under a hot towel, he heard the bells on the door jangle against each other when another customer came in. He lost track of the footsteps as he ruminated on the pros and cons of bribing Al to work for him exclusively in the comfort of his own home. His smile faltered as he realized that the footsteps accompanying the new customer were still moving closer, too close. They should have stopped and deposited the offending stranger in a chair further down the row, closer to the door. Instead, the footsteps came to a stop right behind him. He barely had time to rip the towel off his face. He started to stand, ready to unleash a torrent of vitriol on the person arrogant enough to interrupt his only time of relaxation, when he saw the blue and red of the suit standing over him.

He froze.

“Supergirl, ” he hissed. He sat back down hard into the chair. His mind immediately started spinning his go-to villain speech, as he straightened his shoulders and smoothed his features into calm neutrality. He decided to start with, “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

Before he finished the lilt on the end of the question, he was airborne. It seemed that Supergirl was no longer tolerant of the melodramatics of villains’ speeches and heroes’ pleas. He would have found this an amusing discovery, were it not that he was currently being flown across the city at mach speed; his body thrown helplessly over Supergirl’s shoulder like a sack of potatoes. He lost consciousness as they broke the sound barrier somewhere over Saskatchewan.

***

They were gathered around the war table. Alex was bent over a tablet studying the latest readings, Nia was standing behind Brainy who, against everyone’s advice, was out of bed and sitting in a wheelchair looking up at the control room screens trying to piece together any other possible explanation for what Lena had already deduced.

Kelly was pacing behind them, on the phone with James who was at his gate waiting to board the first flight back to National City.

Lena was standing off to the side, her bag still held in both hands in front of her. She looked like a statue, so still that no one had noticed her in almost an hour. Lena remembered a time when she had been at the center of this camaraderie, when her advice had been sought and she had been intimately involved in reviewing the data and making the plans. Now she was just a witness to other people’s pain. “I will not let them be a witness to mine,” she thought as she checked her dispassionate mask vigilantly. Her hands went to the watch stowed in her purse, to the button she had been pressing over, and over again for hours. She knew that if Kara were still on Earth, she would have found a way to be there by now.

---

Everything stopped as soon as Alex’s phone rang on the war table. They all rushed to the table. Even Lena was stirred from the shadows to move towards the lifeline on the other end of the call. Alex put it on speaker for the Superfriends to hear:

AD: “Clark...”

CK: “Alex, she’s not here. Hold on, is that the crest off her suit? It’s just sitting here, like it’s on display or something. What is going on?”

AD: “What do you mean the crest? Does it look intentional? Did she put it there?”

CK:“Alex, I don’t know. Kelex said that she was here two days ago with a man and then. Hold on.”

[In the background, they heard Clark ask Kelex, “What pod? Show me.”]

AD: “Clark, what’s going on? Was that Kelex? Does he know where she went?”

CK: “Alex. [Clark’s voice was muffled. They heard him sniffing through his nose.] Alex, she’s gone. She took my pod. Kelex said she programmed it to fly into the sun. He tried to stop her but she commanded him.”

AD: “The sun? Clark-”

CK: “Alex, that’s not all. Kelex said that she brought someone here with her. He showed me the surveillance. It was Lex. She brought Lex here and she injected him with something. Alex, I think Lex...is... is dead. She put him in the pod and she flew off into the sun with his body.”

CK: “...Alex? Alex, are you there? Alex ?!”

Alex couldn’t hear him anymore. Alex couldn’t hear anyone or anything. Alex couldn’t move or speak or think. She barely registered as the phone dropped out of her hand and smashed to pieces against the polished concrete of the DEO floor. She saw everyone’s eyes on her, watched as they moved toward her in slow motion. She saw their mouths move, their faces twist in shouts, but she heard nothing.

“ Kara-”

The tilting world blinked in front of her eyes once, twice, and then everything went black.

***

Lex came-to a while later in what could only be the fortress. “You know, Supergirl, this isn’t quite how I imagined my next visit to the Fortress of Solitude, but I have to thank you for helping me get here,” he said with narrowed eyes and a smug lopsided grin on his lips.

Kara wanted nothing more than to wipe the smirk off his face with a backhand to the mouth, but she kept her composure. His time to taunt was nearing its end, and he hadn’t yet come to realize it.

Bound to his chair with the crystalline ice of the Fortress, Lex surveyed his surroundings. He noticed that his transmat portal watch had been removed at some point and he looked up just as Supergirl seemed to finish x-raying his body for any other devices.

“What do you want?” Lex asked, uncharacteristically lacking in snark this time.

Supergirl said nothing as she fiddled with a syringe full of clear liquid.

His eyes grew three sizes as she walked over to where he was sitting.

Without fanfare, without speeches, or explanation, Supergirl inserted the syringe into his carotid artery and depressed the plunger fully; only then did she speak.

“Lex Luthor, you have murdered countless citizens of Earth. You have been sentenced to 31 consecutive lifetime sentences. You broke out of prison while serving that term and promptly murdered again. You were largely responsible for the mass extinction event known as Crisis and are, therefore, responsible for the deaths of untold trillions. For these crimes, and those you will inevitably commit in the future, I cannot allow you to live.”

Kara turned her back to Lex and sighed, “You should have stayed dead when Lena killed you the first time.”

Lex raged against his bonds, “What have you done to me?!”

He felt his limbs getting heavier. It was getting harder to keep his eyes open. Kara leveled her gaze at him, her eyes full of pity and sorrow.

“It was the most humane way. It will be over soon. You won’t feel it; I made sure of that. If you calmed down, it might even be peaceful.”

Lex broke out into a toothy smile. “You’ll never come back from this. Killing me will haunt you until the day you die. And as a Kryptonian, you’ll have eternity to agonize over this choice. It will eat you alive. You may kill me, but you will never survive it, Supergirl ,” he spit the last word back at her; his eyes barely open, his head starting to sag off his shoulders, his posture slipping.

Supergirl closed the gap between them, slowly, deliberately. She reached one hand gently under his chin and raised it so his eyes could meet her own.

“You’re right Lex. This time, we go together.”

His eyes showed just the barest flicker of confusion before he went slack. Supergirl dropped to one knee, hanging her head as she listened while his heartbeat slowed, and eventually came to a stop. She x-rayed his chest, just to be certain and found it still, eerily still.

---

The one thing Lex Luthor never counted on, could never understand, was that not only would Supergirl sacrifice her life to protect her friends, but after Crisis, she would sacrifice her soul. It just so happened that she was destined to sacrifice both to kill him.

Kara let out a shaky breath as she knelt next to Lex’s body. She didn’t know how to feel. She’d never once killed on purpose. It went against everything that she was; everything that she believed in. Kara knew that as Lex’s heart stopped beating, Supergirl ceased to exist.

Kara stood and, without using her powers, she peeled the crest of the great House of El off of her suit. She couldn’t bear to wear her house crest any longer. Where she was going, she had to go alone. El Mayyarah had gotten her far, but it couldn’t go with her to meet her end.

Kara cleansed Lex’s body in the Kryptonian way and gave him full funeral rights in the only manner she knew. She gently placed his body into the back of Kal-El’s repaired pod and climbed into the pilot’s seat.

It was a tight squeeze for both of them, the pod gave Kara flashbacks to her time in the Phantom Zone, triggering what would probably be her last claustrophobia-induced panic attack. The dead body of her arch nemesis laying just behind her didn’t bring her any added comfort.

Once she recovered, she took a deep breath and sealed the pod. She raised her hand to the pad in front of her and began to key in the coordinates for their destination. Halfway through, she had trouble making out the Kryptonian glyphs through her blurred vision. She reached a hand to her cheeks and noted with detachment that it came away covered in warm wetness. She raised her eyebrows but couldn't reach deep enough to be surprised.

She wiped her eyes and carried on entering the coordinates. Once she was done, she turned to Kelex standing outside the pod at the command module. “Kelex, initiate the launch sequence.”

“I feel it is my duty to warn you that the coordinates you have entered - “

Kara mustered the last piece of courage she possessed. She raised her chin and steeled her eyes, and in a decisive tone Kara declared, “I am Kara Zor-El, Last Daughter of Krypton, and I command you to initiate the launch sequence.”

Taken aback, but bowing to her authority, Kelex replied, “As you wish, Kara Zor-El. May your journey bring you peace”

With that, Kara felt the pod rumble as the engine kicked on for the first time in over thirty years.

With one last look at Kelex, she was flung out into the atmosphere on a parabolic trajectory into space.

***

Small sounds started to grate against her consciousness. She could hear incessant beeping and murmuring. As she opened her eyes, Alex’s field of vision was flooded with the harsh, white lighting of the med bay. After a few moments of blinking her eyes into focus, she could make out the medical equipment and the dark blobs around the edge of her vision solidified into her friends’ faces. Nia & Brainy, James & Kelly, even Clark was there standing vigil over her.

As she blinked again and looked up to the tall figure looming over her, she let out a sob, not expecting to see J’onn’s worried eyes looking back at her.

“J’onn...Kara…she-”

“I know, Alex. I know.” J’onn whispered in a soothing tone, trying to keep the tears from spilling over, “just get some rest for now. We will talk more when you’re ready.” He carefully brushed her hair off her forehead and leaned down to place a gentle kiss on the top of her head. With that, he moved towards the door.

“Alex?”

The agent turned back to look at him as he paused on his way out, an earnest look on his face.

“I love you; so very much.”

Alex just nodded, pressing her lips together to stop the sobs from escaping.

The rest of her friends followed shortly after, leaving with soft pats on her knees and feet, squeezes of her hand, mumbling words she just couldn’t care enough to try to decipher.

As they funneled out one by one, only Kelly remained. Even Brainy wheeled himself away from the bed next to hers to give them their privacy. The idea that he shouldn’t be out of bed lest he compromise his recovery briefly flitted across Alex’s mind as she pursed her lips, but it just wouldn’t stick. She couldn’t bring herself to care about anything, or anyone. She closed her eyes against the torrent of feelings and memories that threatened to overwhelm her.

“Hey,” Kelly started softly, “talk to me. What are you feeling?”

Alex just shook her head, eyes closed and mouth shut firmly against whatever she might have said.

“Okay. Okay, it’s okay. Can I just sit here with you? Hold your hand?” Kelly asked.

Alex dipped her head just enough to be taken as acquiescence. The agent would’ve given anything to go back to the void of unconsciousness. She ran her fingers through her short hair, remembering the days before the DEO where she drowned her own feelings of failure in the bottom of a bottle. Somehow she knew that Kelly wouldn’t let that kind of self-destructive behavior slide this time. Alex sighed and dropped her chin to her chest. She might as well start talking because Kelly was nothing if not patient. They both knew who would win the waiting game.

Alex’s voice cracked as she attempted to untangle her thoughts, “I have always, always, had faith that the universe would bring her back to me. Through everything, when her brain was altered on Red K, when Cadmus and Lillian kidnapped her and Mon-El, when Mon-El left and Kara...” Alex choked back a sob. Now that she’d started, she couldn’t stop, “...when Supergirl tried to destroy Kara Danvers. Every single time she set off into the multiverse with Barry. Even during Crisis. I always knew that she would come back to me; that she would find a way back. She’s the god damn Paragon of Hope for christ’s sake.” Alex threw her hands up and out towards the end of her bed in an exasperated half-shrug.

“This time is different, Kel. This feels... real.” Alex looked up into Kelly’s eyes, trying to convey wordlessly the feeling settling over her, the finality of it. “I don’t think she’s coming back from this one and I don’t -” Alex sobbed uncontrollably so that Kelly just barely made out her next words, “- I don’t know who I am without her.”

Kelly took the hand closest to her on the bed in both of hers. She thought of a million things to say, a million ways to reassure Alex that there was far more to her than her relationship to sister, that she was her own person before Kara came into her life and that she would be her own person now. She considered trying to reassure her that everything would be okay, but immediately the therapist in her shot that idea down, hard . This would never be okay, even if someday Alex would be. Kelly sighed softly and eventually settled on silence. She crawled into Alex’s bed and held the red headed woman until she drifted back to sleep, spent from the grief spilling out of her in endless tears.

As she slept, Alex muttered the same thing over and over, one name, Kara.

It was Kelly’s turn to cry, softly so as to avoid waking Alex. She let the tears flow freely and tried to keep her body from being wracked by the sobs threatening to crush her resolve. She reached out to gently cradle Alex’s cheek, pulling her even closer. “I’m so sorry, Alex. I’m so sorry.”

---

“Alex, it is time. Enough of this. You cannot stay in bed like this any longer. We need you, Alex. The rest of us still need you.” J’onn implored Alex, but there wasn’t even a flicker of recognition across her face. Alex wasn’t there. She was awake, but the lights were off and no one was home. “Alex, it’s been a week. You have to get up and you have to get out of bed.” Still nothing, Alex just stared straight ahead out of the glass panels of the wall in front of her. She hadn’t said anything since her brief discussion with Kelly. She wasn’t eating, and for the time being they had been giving her IV nutrition, but if she didn’t eat that day they were facing a feeding tube. J’onn said as much, but Zombie Alex gave no indication that she’d heard him.

J’onn sighed. Hands on his hips, he turned away from her to face out over the DEO. He watched as Eliza held Kelly outside Alex’s room. He shook his head, mind made up. He had planned to wait until she recovered, but there was no sense in that now. If he didn’t tell her now, then she may never recover, and then, what was the point. He walked over to sit on the edge of her bed and Alex’s eyes flickered to his for just a moment before darting away again.

“She left you a message, Alex.” J’onn said softly. “She recorded her goodbyes on Sunstone Crystals in the pod. She sent the pod to Earth, but the solar flare knocked it off course. It landed on Mars. That’s how I knew to come back. That’s why I’m here.”

This seemed to rouse something in her. Alex looked at J’onn, the emptiness in her eyes breaking his heart, but he couldn’t force himself to break contact.

“Alex, you have to listen to her. You have to give her the chance to say goodbye. You owe her that much.”

Alex’s eyes snapped back straight-ahead. She opened her mouth for the first time in almost a week, “I don’t owe her anything.”

J’onn sighed and patted her leg, getting up to leave. He paused and said, “When you’re ready; I’ll keep it safe for you.”

He hazarded one last look back at her before leaving, her cheeks were glossy with tears as she cried silently. Alone.

***

Kara had hours to kill until they reached their destination. She had to do something to drown out the voice in her head, the voice of the dead man on the floor behind her seat; to drown out her own doubts and regrets.

She decided to use those regrets as inspiration; to use her last few hours to continue her work as the Paragon of Hope, even if Supergirl was no more. Taking out a handful of Sunstone Crystals - small, pale, and long, about the size and shape of a tube of lipstick, albeit more angular - she set to work saying goodbye. She knew that her friends would never understand, but at least it could bring her some peace on her journey.

Alex.

Alex would never understand. Kara was so grateful that Alex had Kelly. She knew that Kelly would help her sister navigate her grief. The therapist in Kelly would never allow Alex to fall into the dark, but that didn’t mean that Kara can’t try to do her part to help give Alex some closure.

What do you say to everyone who has loved you, supported you, and guided you when it’s time to say goodbye?

---

Kara placed the last Sunstone Crystal in the console as her destination loomed before her. She wiped her eyes, closing them before the last tear could fall. She powered down the engines of the pod to give herself a moment more time, to decide how to do this. She programmed the pod to hover in place while she made her preparations. She pulled out a small metal box and placed it between the empty, broken stitches where the crest of the House of El used to sit. Slowly, the enhanced suit that Lena designed for her unfurled, covering her usual suit and then encapsulating her face in a helmet-like design. If she was going to have enough time to finish her plan, she had to have some protection from the raw violence of open space. Kara placed a hand over the crest she knew she no longer deserved to bear. She had forgotten that Lena’s suit would also bear the crest. Apparently, it was her fate to be unable to escape the shadow of her family; of her lost world and her responsibility to Earth.

Taking a shaky breath, Kara opened the pod hatch, exposing them to the full elements of the sun. Kara couldn’t fly in space, but with the pod hovering in place, she could maneuver around it, as long as she stayed tethered.

She got to work extricating Lex’s body from the pod. A process that was much more difficult than getting him in originally. It wasn’t helped by how intensely she felt her powers, the energy of the yellow sun coursing through her. “ At least I can’t hurt him, ” she thought sarcastically.

Finally, she got him out of the pod. Then she grabbed a Kryptonian shroud, her old cape, originally a piece of Kal El’s baby blanket. She wrapped it around his supine body and whispered a Kryptonian prayer as she secured it to the best of her ability.

She turned toward her target and closed her eyes for a moment, soaking in the rays of the sun. As she opened them again she gazed upon it. The source of her power, of her identity on earth, was now closer than any human could survive. She turned Lex so the head of his body was facing the sun and she gave him a gentle send off. She watched as his body drifted closer and closer to the surface of the sun, gaining speed as the gravity increased, until suddenly in a flash of light he was enveloped in the surge of a solar flare. Kara continued to hover next to the pod for a few minutes, allowing this new reality to sink in, a reality where Lex was dead; where Supergirl killed him; where she, Kara Zor-El, personally escorted him to the sun where he was engulfed in this bright, glowing source of energy and life. It was poetic, she thought, that his body should return to the very thing that gave her and her cousin their powers. That he should return to the very thing that made the people he hated most in the world.

Kara sighed. She couldn’t delay the inevitable any further. It was her turn to return to the sun, to the source of her power. It was her turn to be cleansed of her crimes, to be cleansed of murdering Lex.

“I do not kill.”

She said it to herself, but also to Rao. She had violated her most sacred moral oath and she must now pay the price. Her purpose was once to protect Kal El, but since landing on earth so many years after him, it had transformed into protecting the citizens of Earth. Now that she had murdered a human, she could no longer be a force for good.

Kara tugged once on the tether to bring her back to the pod. Without getting in, she reached her hand up to program the coordinates of Earth. She programmed the pod with a delay so that it could record her final moments. She rested her hand for a moment on the console, taking a deep breath as she drew from the calming force of her home planet’s presence in the pod. Opening her eyes, she detached the tether and placed it back on the seat. She hit the autopilot button and pushed off as the hatch slid itself closed. Turning her back to the pod, she pushed off of it with one arm to float gently towards the sun.

As the sun got closer and closer, Kara spread her arms wide, bending her left leg slightly at the knee, like she used to do so often when hovering on Earth just before she landed somewhere. She closed her eyes as she felt the gravity pull her in, accelerating her towards her end. At the last second, she lifted her chin and met the sun as an old friend. She felt no pain, as in a flash, she was welcomed home.

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#L4LBS #Content Warning: Suicide/Self-sacrifice #Supercorp #Grief and mourning #Stop making Supergirl sacrifice herself for no reason #Exploring the toll her sacrifice takes on loved ones #Written before S6 plot announced #Was already mad about it #Stayed mad about it

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