#learningtoliveagain

[broken-n-discarded]

To all the broken hearts out there

Hello, I am new here. I've never been on tumblr until today, but I have heard that its a great place to blog and meet other like minded people. Currently I am working through a particularly heartbreaking break up. Its basically an 18yr long saga that has come to an end and not by my choice. Our story is very long and I will write it all out in another post, but I am hoping that putting this all out here into the world and letting out all my feeling might help me move on and heal after 18yrs of ups and downs. 

I feel like I have died, my heart is so broken and I am having trouble functioning. He was my whole world. I loved him with all I had, gave him all my time and did everything I could to make him feel loved and cared for since he had just gotten out of a marriage that ended badly (from what he said). He had told me that he regretted letting me go when we were younger ( we had been together for 2 yrs when we were in our early 20s) and that I was the one and, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me an make up for all our lost years. It felt like a dream and I was so happy....but sadly life is not a dream and after 2 years it turned out that it was all a huge mountain of lies, gaslighting and manipulation. He now has a new girlfriend and has blocked me on everything but Instagram so that I can see his new life, yet im restricted from message or comments so I cant say anything. It seems a very extreme form of torture and sadly I don't have the strength to block him because I miss him so much even though it hurts to see him happy with someone new after all his lies that I believed. 

I was so confused and hurt and lost. I started to read about these sorts of things online and that's where I have come to realize that my ex is a covert narcissist. It all makes sense, why I could never get over him or keep him out of my life. Why he was always able to charm me into forgiving him and stay in each others lives. He has emotionally manipulated me and emotionally abused me and even as I write this and have become aware of what he is, I still miss him everyday. Knowing what he is and that it was never real for him, doesn't change that it was real for me and I am cant turn my feelings on and off like he can. Its been a month without him and I feel like I have died inside and like I will never love again. I loved this man for 18yrs and he promised me a whole life to make up for the one we lost and once again he lied and left me, and instead gave that life to another woman. Just like he did when we were in our 20s. He feeds on my love and weakness for him and seems to enjoy destroying me. 

I am sad that it took me so long to find out what he was because if I had of known 2 yrs ago I could have saved myself this pain and sorrow, but now I know to never let him back in again. Because when this relationship ends (because they always do) I will not be there to pick up the pieces like all the times before. Because now I know why I did (mental and emotional abuse and manipulation) and can stop myself from falling for that cycle again. Sadly being aware now doesn't stop all the pain or make the years of abuse and love vanish. So I am trying to cope with this extreme trauma bond I have with my ex and my overwhelming feelings of heartbreak and a the loss of what feels like a life long dream to be with him forever. At the time all the plans and promises seemed so real, but now I know it was all future faking and manipulation to keep me around until he found someone new there with him. I live in another country which of course made his lies and manipulation a lot easier. 

Here I hope to work through my feeling and hopefully find others that are trying to heal from this sort of abuse, along with trying to find myself again and build a life for myself. It seems common to lose yourself in a relationship with a narcissist along with losing your way. I feel so lost and hurt that there are many days that I pray I will not wake up because the pain I feel when I do is so unbearable that I cant get myself to do anything and then I feel worse because I know he is out living his best life with someone new, traveling and working his dream job. All things that he ended up with due to my encouragement and ideas that I would give him to get ahead and heal. He basically killed me in order to become his best and then left me behind. Are there any others out there going through anything like this or maybe have found their way through it and can give me advice on how to heal?

[philminns]

As I am missing the buns I thought while in Ireland, visit the Irish cousins @thedonkeysanctuaryireland and have some bun kisses and bum scratches. I am in love with them all, as would have been Tim. Heavy heart but such an incredible day. #learningtoliveagain #peace #love #donkeydays #innerpeace (at County Cork) https://www.instagram.com/philminns/p/Bw2Owy_HTPJ/?igshid=1rr2ngg5ispl8

[the-littlest-showgirl]

Thank you Mr Barnum (and Hugh Jackman et al) for bringing true ‘joy’ back into my life. I’d almost forgotten what it felt like to feel this 'alive’. All it took was six 'dates’ with the greatest showman on earth.

[butterflyeffectoracle]

I opened up my instagram last night and the quote said “Date the person who tells you to be safe when you go out, not the one that gets mad. Partnership, not ownership.” It struck me hard mostly because I realized I am this person. I am the person that wishes people safety as they leave and greets them openly when they arrive. I am the one who holds doors open, goes out of my way to make sure other’s are okay (when I am able) and is always willing to meet people on whatever level they are at. I worked excruciatingly hard to make sure I was this person for YEARS after I got out of my mother’s house and my first short relationship to make sure I did not fall into bitterness out of pain, or coldness out of fear. Yesterday, for the first time, I realized I had won that battle and didn’t even know it. I have always been a happy person. My mother used to tell me how I used to just walk up to anyone and bring a smile to their face- I still do that. It’s around me all the time. It brings me joy when I brighten other people’s life and no one will ever take that from me again. I refuse to be a product of my circumstances any longer. So today I challenge you to genuinely smile- regardless of what else is going on because you deserve to be happy and not have your surrounding rule you. There are 365 days in a year, 24 hours in a day, and 60 minutes in each hour- I hope you spend this time wisely my friends. #feelings #nature #hiking #learningtoliveagain #cantstopwontstop #bendbutneverbreak #sticksandstones #strongasyggdrasil #hillcountry #texas #texashillcountry #restandrecovery #gettingbacktobasics #selflove #selfrespect https://www.instagram.com/p/BwMybX2He-uHyVSdcOW5VQ-Jot3FNzzztskJI80/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ery7zv78cojh

[artbyveronicahazel]

So this is happening. Every time I've tried to sober up I've never really worked step four. This time I decided to actually buy a workbook where I can be as thorough as possible. After working with my sponsor and reading through all of step four, I thought maybe this was a good idea so hopefully it will stick this time. #recovery #sobriety #workingit #workingitout #lifeafterloss #learningtoliveagain https://www.instagram.com/p/CTk6RYwhn-v/?utm_medium=tumblr

[samanthacastroc]

“As I trust my heart more and more every day, the path I must follow reveals itself”. Sometimes, when we talk about the heart, we think love can only be felt for the person we call our partner. But our heart centre and heart energy are for much more than that. Our heart speaks of what makes us happy, of the passion we feel when we plan to do something, of the excitement of embarking on a new adventure, of the love for life. Our hearts are our compass in life. Many times ignored, our hearts become bored, closed, forgotten. A broken heart not only comes from a failed relationship but also from the constant shut down of its energy. When we engage in activities that don't excite our heart, it breaks a little bit. When we do stuff just for the sake of doing it or out of responsibility, our heart breaks a little bit. When we ask our heart to keep quiet because what it is asking is just not doable, our heart breaks a little bit. In a mind-based society like ours, our hearts are at the risk of shutting down completely. A broken heart, whether injured by heartbreak or lack of excitement, causes more damage in our lives than any other injuries we might sustain. Opening up your heart to love means more than letting a person into your life. It means finding the courage to live. Art by @artbymushka . . #healingabrokenheart #learningtoliveagain #liveagain #lovelife #heartcentre #heartspace #heartchakra #heartwisdom #followyourheart #heartenergy #heartwisdom #letyourheartleadtheway #creatingfromtheheart #letyourheartspeak #divinefemenine #excitment #livinginthenow #livinginthepresentmoment #heartbasedsociety (at My Hearth) https://www.instagram.com/p/CNK3mOQHZEn/?igshid=yqprpbtdujpt

[knbpoetry]

Summer love ❤️‍🔥 . . . . . #mywriting #typewriterpoetry #typewriterpoem #mydearestlove #poetry #poetryofinstagram #poetsandwriters #poets #spilledinkpoetry #spilledpoetry #poetsofinstagram #spilledink #writer #writersofinstagram #quotes #instaquote #quotestoliveby #writersofig #poems #poetryporn #instapoetry #instapoet #lovepoetry #lovequotes #lifequotes #tumblrpoet #tumblrpoetry #love #K.N.B. #learningtoliveagain — view on Instagram https://ift.tt/3jwJrf2

[phenomamom-blog1]

I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world, but I am me. I eat junk food. Sometimes more than I should. I have scars on my body because I have a history. Some people love me, some hate me. I have done good. I have done bad. I sometimes go without make up and I don't always do my hair. I'm random and silly. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. I am who I am, you can love me or not. And if I love you, I do it with all my heart!! I make no apologies for the way I am. ❤️ 🌹Ladies, I dare you to put this on your status and share a picture of yourself if you're proud of who you are 😉 #Unapologetic #bruisednotbroken #learningtolovemyself #learningtoliveagain

[squidly-7-blog]

The end of this vid was supposed to say "so people can see the adventure I went on today to explain this grossness" 😂 stay tuned y'all! I had a very soul searching day and I was able to find something so I'm hoping tomorrow I can get that put together for you! #findingmyself #recoveryroad #learningtoliveagain #findyourjourney #findyourself #personalgrowth Ps if anyone has care solutions I'm all ears 😭😅😂

[philminns]

Remembering Tim on what would have been his 46th Birthday. #remembering #memories #loss #grief #celebrating #loveandloss #peace #learningtoliveagain (at Roscrea) https://www.instagram.com/philminns/p/BwwpUfqHUhy/?igshid=1vvc84t88ha5n

[liberalstew]

Getting better everyday. 🙂 #healing #learningtoliveagain #thistooshallpass

[endomino-blog]

night time thoughts

As many nights are with me, long before I am able to finally lay to sleep, I sit up and ponder about what is happening around me... Why am I becoming the thing that I am? What are my thoughts that I am so entwined with the angry side of my heart that I am not able to concentrate on the work at hand?

As of yet... I have not found an easy or liable answer to these two simple questions, and that in itself has me angry...and for some reason I don't know why. I don't know why such trifle little things; such unimportant, irrelevant things are making me feel so... out of control of my own temper. some of the things I do know, which would come to be obvious seeing my military back round, such as lack of respect from a new part time employee just trying to earn a few bucks as he finishes his senior year of high school, others as I'm still learning to drive a large semi truck... and body language.

my temper has just been out of control the last few days... and I find what is causing it the most is... learning again, how to outlet and re-speak, also how to properly control my already aggressive temperament to a point to which it is acceptable.

for me...someone who does not like to control his temper...this is the one thing that can make even the most meak... a murderer 

[instatrack]

Sometimes happiness is grabbing a microphone to sing your favorite song and drink wine straight from the bottle. #learningtoliveagain #mymomwasntimpressed https://ift.tt/2miGDDR

[rochellebuckley]

I've started writing again. It's been many years but I've been led to write and share my stories with the aim of offering hope to those with chronic health conditions, depression, anxiety and everything in between. I'm not the greatest author but of my tale can offer hope and a little joy to just one person, it's all been worth it. http://wp.me/p7vTMM-1B #hope #joy #love #offeringhope #challenges #alifeofchallenges #challengesturntoopportunity #opportunity #acromegaly #chronicpain #healthcondition #hadtoprovethemwrong #learningtoliveagain #blog #blogpost #sharing #sharingmystory #youareloved #instahope #determination #instajoy #instadetermination