#leeminder

[rebuilderremodeling]

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http://twitter.com/leemind

[jjongslight]

Not to expand too much on that last post, but like it really takes LOTS of work for some people to get to a place where they can be in a relationship or intimate with someone (on various levels).

I needed to actually work on my childhood/teenage trauma for years (almost 5) in therapy and solidy my sense of self through my passions, life experiences and introspection (on my relationship patterns and issues) to get to a point where I didn't feel like my whole identity and soul would be crushed if I got rejected, not liked or abandoned.

Like you got to get a point where you don't need a person to live but instead choose a person to go through life with. It needs to come from a place of love and not desperation.

[jjongslight]

I have been receiving so much love lately. I mean I always do, but some of the things I have been told have been mindblowing. Maybe they were already told to me before but I am only now actually able to truly hear them.

And whenever I am overwhelmed with that love, I want to give some back.

So here we go.

I love each and every one of you. Not because I know you personally but because my love and empathy is for everyone on this earth because this is the only way to move forward.

I love you.

[jjongslight]

I am at a point now where I can sense when someone is too overbearing and clingy like, I thought that was good before but no, the more you insist, the more I get turned off. Actually, I was always like that, but wouldn’t listen to my gut instinct. Like that’s not love, that’s control.

I don’t need anyone to fulfill me or complete me. I need someone to accompany and support me through this life and I’ll do the same right back. 

[jjongslight]

Of all the days, I had to start feeling unstable again today. But, I want to shift it a bit for myself. 

I think the biggest gift I could have given myself this year and every year actually was to believe just enough in myself to do things I never thought possible. This year it was just surviving and staying alive, but somehow I managed to do so much more than that and even though I never really feel pride or love for myself. I still understand that I should be proud of myself and consider myself just enough to forgive myself and care for myself. 

The biggest gift I can give myself is to get better and keep trying. 

[jjongslight]

I think I'm fully realizing now that the demons I've been fighting so hard all these years aren't even my own most of the time. They're the ones I've let others plant in me.

[jjongslight]

Also, to everyone who has shown me kindness, sweetness, care and love this year, whether you are in my life right now or not, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. It was the biggest gift I could have ever asked for as well. 

[jjongslight]

And also thanks to my parents for having a vision right from the start, starting with the name they gave me. I am so thankful for it.

[jjongslight]

when you get this, please respond with five things that make you happy! then, send to the last ten people in your notifs 🌷

- My friends' support and existence

- Dance

- My morning coffee

- SHINee

- Everything panda! 🐼

[jjongslight]

‘’Maintenant je pense que les individus sont culturellement conditionnés, gratifiés, encouragés par des comportements qui sont en fait des perversions des directions naturelles de la tendance actualisante unitaire.‘’

‘’[...] L’homme dissocié est au mieux décrit comme un homme qui se comporte de manière consciente en termes de constructs et d’abstractions statiques et se comporte de manière inconsciente en termes de tendance actualisante.’’

‘’La dissociation qui existe en la plupart d’entre nous est le pattern et la base de toute pathologie chez l’homme aussi bien que la base de toute sa pathologie sociale. Ceci, du moins, est ma façon de voir.’’

- Carl Rogers (1963)

[jjongslight]

I read this two days ago and it haunts me : 

“Puisque je suis, j’ai le droit d’être”.

[jjongslight]

I don't know if it helps but... I hope you are okay! And someone is cheering for you!

I had to effectively shut all operations down except the essentials - aka eating lots, sleeping more and just doing nothing for a whole day. I am recovering lol I do feel better.

[jjongslight]

But I did have very interesting conversations with friends and colleagues these past few days and it helped soothe me just a bit and remind me of the craziness we are living in right now. 

We are all reacting in very crazy ways to the extreme ambient stress we are bathing in and sometimes it even feels like we are regressing on shit we thought we were making progress on. I see it in everyone around me and of course, I’m experiencing it very extremely these days. It’s like this context is putting a magnifying glass on every issue that was there before and just making it worse.

It’s all shit and I think we all need a bit more self-compassion.

[jjongslight]

I CAN STIIIIILLLLL RUUUUUUN.

[jjongslight]

Juillet.

[jjongslight]

.