#leonard philips

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #24: Calculus Class

It was April, just a week after Mr. Smith lost at Jeopardy, when Mr. Smith returned to his new favorite class- Advanced Differential Calculus. Mr. Smith had been doing well in the class, better than he ever had in college- he had a 20% as his overall grade! Mr. Smith was excited that he was finally passing a class, as he was sure this was a passing grade- Harold Smith had told him so.

Before class, Mr. Smith’s professor had arranged to meet with him. Mr. Smith was sure it was to congratulate Mr. Smith on how well he was doing in the class. Mr. Smith eagerly knocked on his professor’s door. “I’m here!” He yelled.

“Come in,” Professor Stanley quietly commanded. Mr. Smith opened the door, surprised he knew how. He was on a roll lately!

“Sit down, Mr. Smith,” Said Professor Stanley. “I have some bad news. As I am sure you are aware, you are failing my class.”

Mr. Smith gasped. “No I’m not! I have a 20% as my overall grade! Dad told me it’s passing!”

“It is unprofessional to call your father ‘Dad’ when addressing your professor,” Professor Stanley glowered.

“Dad likes when I call him Dad. He says it’s special because he’s the only person named Dad in the world.” Mr. Smith said.

“That’s nice. Anyway, 20% is not a passing grade, you have been misinformed.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Does misinformed mean I miss my Dad? It has been a few hours since I last saw him, so that could be true.”

Professor Stanley gritted his teeth. “Misinformed means you are wrong.”

“WRONG?!” Mr. Smith yelled. “But my Dad TOLD ME IT’S TRUE! I CAN’T be WRONG, you big jerk! You’re MEAN!”

Professor Stanley sighed. “The only way you’ll pass my class is by scoring a 100 on this test. Otherwise, you will most certainly fail.”

Mr. Smith smiled cockily. “My Dad will just blackmail you into passing me. What do you say to THAT, huh? You jerk!”

“I’ll say that I will stay true to my integrity and fail you if your father tries to blackmail me.”

Mr. Smith pouted. “FINE. I’ll… TRY to do well on this test and boost my grade. But if I fail, it’s all YOUR FAULT.”

Professor Stanley narrowed his eyes. “No- if you do not show me the proper respect, I will kick you out of my class and you will receive a failing grade, instead of taking my generous opportunity to improve your score. Do you understand?”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “What is an opportunity? Does it have something to do with an octopus? They have two of those at the aquarium where I swam with the sharks.”

Professor Stanley sighed. “I don’t even want to know. Just please try and do better on this test, and don’t disrespect me again, or I will kick you out of this class.”

“Alright,” Mr. Smith agreed.

Twenty minutes later, Mr. Smith sat in the classroom eagerly awaiting his test. He knew he’d do well, he spent five minutes practicing before class! He would easily score a 100, maybe even a 1,000 on this test! There was a first time for everything, right?

Then, four students came into the classroom- Leo, Ritchie, Alex, and a tall college age student Mr. Smith had never seen before. Mr. Smith covered his face with his hands. “Oh no! Not another genius! Someone help!”

Alex smiled. “This is my boyfriend, Chris. He has a 160 level IQ. I bet that makes you really nervous, doesn’t it, Mr. Smith?”

Mr. Smith trembled and peeked through his fingers. “Oh no! He’s… another GAY GENIUS!”

Alex smiled. “That’s right.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Why do you care if I’m gay and a genius? What does it matter what my sexual orientation is?”

Ritchie nodded. “That’s what I said! He can’t stand if someone in the LGBTQ community is smarter than him. He’s really homophobic.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Does homphobic mean I’m scared of spiders? Spiders are really scary. Philip says when I see them I scream like a girl.”

The four (actually intelligent) boys snickered. “It’s always amusing when homophobes emasculate themselves. Very hypocritical.” Chris said.

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “Is a hypocrite the same thing as a hippopotamus?”

Chris sighed in annoyance. “No. A hypocrite is someone who acts like they’re better than everyone and then contradicts their own logic.”

Mr. Smith stared blankly. “Those were too many words for me to listen. Can you say that again, but slowly and with smaller words so I can understand?”

Chris rolled his eyes. “You’re a moron.”

Mr. Smith glared at Chris. “I know what THAT word means! You’re just jealous because I have a girlfriend and you don’t!”

Chris glared back. “I’m happy with my boyfriend. At least I’m not insecure and throwing stones in glass houses like you! I bet you don’t even HAVE a girlfriend!”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “Why would someone throw stones in glass houses? Wouldn’t the house break? Or would the stones just bounce off? I can never remember these things.”

Professor Stanely walked into the room. “Hello, class. Today we will be welcoming a few students to take the test with us, as they are from my other class that unfortunately I cannot have due to a family emergency I will need to take care of. Welcome Leonard, Richard, Alexander and Christian!”

People smiled and waved at them as Mr. Smith opened his backpack. “I brought my most sophisticated calculator!” Mr. Smith announced, taking it out.

Professor Stanely took a look. “This is a broken children’s toy calculator held together by Scotch tape and old glue, not a sophisticated graphing calculator like I instructed you to bring. Does this even turn on?”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “I don’t know how to turn it on.”

“There’s a button that says ‘on’ in large letters at the top below the screen.” Professor Stanley said with a sigh.

Mr. Smith stared blankly. “This classroom has a wooden door, not a screen door. My Dad has a screen door ar home. He uses it so flies don’t get in the house in the summer. Wait, if you have summer classes, how do you keep flies out with that wooden door?”

“That’s hardly relevant,” Leo said. “The professor is trying to help you with this situation before your test and you’re completely off topic.”

“What is a topic and why is it off?” Asked Mr. Smith. “Does it have an on button too?”

“Oh my God,” Leo said. “You’re HOPELESS!”

Ritchie shook his head. “I’m sure he won’t last much longer in this class, Leo. Just ignore him.”

Leo sighed. “I guess you’re right.”

“You can use this calculator, Mr. Smith. I have a spare,” Alex said, handing Mr. Smith a graphing calculator.

Mr. Smith took the calculator from Alex. “What am I supposed to do with this? It has too many buttons!”

“I don’t know, Mr. Smith!” Professor Stanley snapped. “Figure it out!”

An hour later, Professor Stanley collected the tests. He addressed Mr. Smith after seeing his test. “What’s this?” He pointed to an illustration on the first page.

“It’s a drawing of the afterlife for members of the puppy farm! Did you know that people associated with the puppy farm have a special place in the afterlife reserved just for them? It’s called Puppytopia, and there are puppies, and unicorns, and endless amounts of ice cream to eat! It’s a beautiful paradise for loyal servants to the puppy farm where no one willl ever call you stupid again!”

Professor Stanley sighed. “Should I even turn the page or is it just more drawings?”

Mr. Smith peered at the professor as if confused. “I only drew one picture.”

Professor Stanley turned the page. “Why did you just write a story instead of answers for the rest of the test?!”

Mr. Smith smiled. “Read the story, it’s very clever, much more important than anything we learned in class!”

“It says, ‘Once upon a time, there was a boy named Mr. Smith. Now, Mr. Smith was no ordinary boy. One day Mr. Smith was walking in the forest and a spider came down and bit him. But it wasn’t just a spider. It was a radioactive spider, and soon, young Mr. Smith developed powers! He could climb walls upside down, had super strength and could shoot webs. He would swing through the city with Susan in his arms after he got a job at McDonald’s.

“But things soon turned sour for Mr. Smith. The Joker began terrorizing Gotham City, and Mr. Smith knew he had to stop it. He had a showdown with the Joker, who said he thought he was more of a genius than infinity level IQ Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith couldn’t have this. His reputation was at stake. Mr. Smith wrote up a list of reasons why he was smarter than the Joker.

“‘Reason number one,’ Mr. Smith said. ‘I am the hero of this story, so I must be smarter than you. Two, my Dad tells me I’m the smartest person to ever live, so it must be true. Three, I feel as if I’m a genius, so I am. And four, I’m a genius because I said so.’ Mr. Smith finished. The Joker clapped. ‘You really ARE a genius!’

The Joker said. ‘I’ll be sure to tell all the criminals, and then because of you, Mr. Smith, there will never be any crimes committed in the entire world again!’ Mr. Smith smiled. ‘Except for the bodies in my fridge.’ He said. The End.”

Professor Stanley lowered the test. “This test has served no purpose except to amuse yourself. Mr. Smith, your grade for this test is a negative 100. You officially have failed with a negative score as your overall grade.”

Mr. Smith’s face turned beet red. He turned to the four boys. “This is ALL YOUR FAULT! If you hadn’t distracted me I wouldn’t have tried to get a 5,000 on this test with that story! The professor didn’t even like it! I thought it was creative! That’s IT! I QUIT! I am officially dropping this course!”

Mr. Smith ran out of the room, but the four boys could hear crashing sounds from the hallway outside. “Oh God,” Leo muttered. There was the sound of Mr. Smith screaming in frustration as well as the shouts of startled students. Mr. Smith came back in the room with a mop from the Janitor’s and began chasing students in the class out of their seats. “If I can’t enjoy this class, neither can you!” He yelled. He ran over to the professor’s desk and began knocking things off the desk with the mop. “Take that!” He yelled. Then he suddenly dropped the mop on the ground after he forgot how to hold it, and then tried to leave the desk, but he tripped over the mop after he forgot it was there. “Oh no!” He yelled. “Help! Someone help! I’ve forgotten how to get up! I look so stupid!”

Students began to filter out of the room as the class ended, leaving Mr. Smith flailing around helplessly on the ground. “That’s what you get for being nothing but spiteful. This time we won’t even help you up,” Ritchie said, as Mr. Smith began clawing at the floor. The whole class left Mr. Smith in the class alone for some time as it was the last class in that room of the day, but eventually the janitor came in looking for his mop and helped Mr. Smith, who fled the campus around midnight in shame.

***

[trek-tracks]

Every. Episode.

[weirdlookindog]

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

[cosmicretreat]

Behind the scenes of Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

[phantomstatistician]

Fandom: Star Trek

Character: Christopher Pike

Sample Size: 2,032 stories

Source: AO3

[asoftepiloguemylove]

Sophokles (tr. Anne Carson) Antigonick / Supernatural; Like a Virgin dir. Philip Sgriccia / Andrew Kozma Song of the Insensible / Supernatural; The Devil in the Details dir. Thomas J. Wright / unknown / Supernatural; Do You Believe in Miracles dir. Thomas J. Wright / Ann Brashares My Name Is Memory / Supernatural / Leonard Cohen Famous Blue Raincoat / Supernatural; Pilot dir. David Nutter / Natalie Diaz A Brother Named Gethsemane; When My Brother Was an Aztec (via @morepeachyogurt)

[bones-n-bookles]

Four Outdoor Life Skill Books, all paperback, with a hardcover case for the set

Outdoor Photography: Specially for Hunters, Fishermen, Naturalists, Wildlife Enthusiasts, by Erwin Bauer, 1965

Sportsman's Camping Guide: Specially for Hunters, Fishers, and Other Outdoorsmen, by Leonard Miracle, 1965

Game Bird Hunting, by F. Philip Rice and John I. Dahl, 1965

Hunting the Whitetail Deer, by Russell Tinsley, 1965

[franziskas-record-store]

Hello, I’m Franziska, and I’m a big music nerd! Consider liking or rebloging this post if you enjoy any of the following artists (or just music in general) and I’ll probably follow you back!

Talking Heads/David Byrne

Vic Chesnutt

Bob Dylan

Philip Glass

Steve Reich

Sufjan Stevens

Cardiacs

Brian Eno

Frank Zappa

Pharoah Sanders

Christopher Tin

XTC

Gustav Mahler

Björk

Leonard Cohen

Laurie Anderson

Very many more…

I will mostly post daily album recommendations, but I will talk about music from time to time.

[futurama-in-color]

FUTURAMA 1.01 - Space Pilot 3000

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #26 Murder Mystery Part One

Mr. Smith woke up early that morning, excited to start his new job. He ran down the marble staircase of his new mansion like a child on Christmas morning. It was the perfect comparison- after all, children had a lot in common with Mr. Smith- their genius level IQ and their maturity level.

Mr. Smith saw his friends crowding around the middle of the stairs. Curious about the commotion, he called out to his friends. “Hello, Philip! Bob, Frankie! Where’s Simon? He’s supposed to help me with my Abnormal Psychology homework. My professor says if I continue to not do assignments, my grade will drop significantly! I’m already at a negative 200 in the class!”

“I’m right here,” Simon replied. Mr. Smith saw that Philip was dangling Simon over the edge of the stairs. “Philip wanted me to give him money, and I said no.”

Mr. Smith turned to Philip. “But you have $1 million in the bank after you blackmailed that movie star last week.”

Philip sighed. “I lost the check. I gave it to Amy for safekeeping. She said she put it somewhere secret, and then forgot where.”

“Oh. My. God!” Amy yelled from behind Mr. Smith. “I trust the wrong people with my money TOO! One time, I found a gold bar just sitting there in the middle of the street. Someone forgot it was there! I took it home, like, kaa- ching I’m rich! I gave it to Susan to hide, and then later I found out where she hid it- in the back of a random person’s truck! We ran out to the road only to see them driving away! I never saw that gold again. It was so ANNOY- ING!”

“That WAS annoying!” Susan walked up beside Amy. “Something like that happened to me TOO! One time, I was working as a security guard at a bank, and someone was robbing the bank, and they told me to guard the diamonds in the back because apparently, diamonds are like, really expensive! I realized that when robbing a bank, a robber would find the diamonds too easily in the safe! So I took them out and gave them to some guy in a black mask to hide! I still don’t know why I got fired!”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Why was he wearing a mask inside the bank? Was it Halloween?”

Susan sighed. “It was July. Sometimes they do Christmas in July, so I just thought it was Halloween in July.”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “What month is Halloween in again? Was it Smithtober?”

“That’s not a month-“ Simon interjected.

“Yes it is!” Mr. Smith yelled. “Smithtober is the thirteenth month of the year, after December! They named it that because, a hundred years ago, my great grandfather Everett Smith singlehandedly destroyed the Germans in World War Two! Everett Smith bribed the German troops in China with chocolate! The Germans surrendered the battle, all because they were too distracted eating chocolate to fight. Everett Smith was declared a hero, and that day, originally January 1st, officially marked the new month, Smithtober, which is the shortest month of the year at 7 days.”

Philip finally pulled Simon back on the staircase. “Everett Smith was a great man. To think, we wouldn’t have won the war without him!”

“Grandpappy Smith is a lucky man,” Mr. Smith said. “To be the son of an American hero! One who even knew Chinese, in addition to speaking American, his first language! Grandpappy Smith even taught me some Chinese! I can say hello and how are you! Quack quack, meow!”

“He is certainly a true genius,” Philip said. “Just as we are TRUE platonic lovers.”

“Yes!” Mr. Smith said. “We’re a platonic power couple!”

Philip glanced down at his watch. “We’d better get going. We’re supposed to be at the mansion in thirty minutes.”

***

Fifteen minutes later, Mr. Smith and his friends arrived at the mansion. They were supposed to help prepare meals in the kitchen for the owner’s guests. Mr. Smith may have been living in a mansion, but he was far from rich. He kept spending thousands of dollars on groceries because Simon ate all the food in the fridge every time Mr. Smith went shopping. Philip always said it was a miracle Simon was so skinny. Mr. Smith would have agreed, but he didn’t know what the word miracle meant, despite having worked as a missionary the previous year.

Mr. Smith knocked on the front door. They waited for a few minutes, then a man in a suit opened the door. Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “You’re wearing a suit! Are you Alfred, from Batman?”

The butler glowered at him. “No.”

Philip chimed in. “Alfred is Spiderman’s butler, Mr. Smith.”

Mr. Smith began counting on his fingers, pointing to places in space. “So I got the wrong movie? Is that why he said no?”

“I’m not Alfred. My name is Steven. Batman is a work of fiction!” The butler snapped.

Mr. Smith’s face went blank. “Fiction? I don’y know what that is.”

“It means it isn’t real!” Alfred Steven snapped. “There is no Batman!”

Next to Mr. Smith, Simon began to cry. “There, there, Simon,” Mr. Smith patted Simon’s back. “Don’t let the mean butler Alfred ruin your dreams.”

Steven huffed. “Please, come in. Mr. Crowley is expecting you.”

Mr. Smith followed Batman’s butler inside. They passed through the kitchen, where several other staff members were working. They were working hard preparing breakfast for Mr. Crowley, a man whose first name Mr. Smith had already forgotten. Mr. Smith noticed one man was making pancakes with blueberries, so Mr. Smith grabbed a handful of berries from the bowl, causing the man to glare at Mr. Smith.

They came upon the dining room. There, Mr. Crowley had several guests over for breakfast. Mr. Smith gasped when he saw all the guests. “YOU! The gay geniuses! And that famous movie actor, Harrison Crowley! Oh no! What are YOU doing HERE?!”

Harry glared at Mr. Smith. “I live here. Who hired you as my kitchen worker?!”

Mr. Smith gasped again. “I thought YOU were a different Harrison Crowley! Oh no! What do I do?!”

Harry sighed. “You can start by making us breakfast.”

“I don’t know if that’s the best idea,” Leo chimed in. “He might put rats in the food.”

Mr. Smith pouted. “I don’t want to serve you!” Mr. Smith paused, scratching his head for several minutes. “Oh I know! How about YOU make the food for ME! The we’ll see who has the power here! A TRUE genius or you fools!”

“I have 160 level IQ,” Harry said. “So it looks like you’ve got something right.”

Mr. Smith began to stare ahead blankly for several minutes. Finally, he spoke. “Is 160 higher or lower than infinity? I forgot.”

Leo snickered. “It’s lower.”

Mr. Smith threw his hands up in frustration. “Why did no one tell me this before?! I made it all the way through Elementary School!”

“They teach that in Elementary School,” Said a new person. It was a 19 year old boy, sitting next to a boy who looked about 20. “You must have fallen asleep in like, every class.”

Mr. Smith narrowed his eyes. “I’ve never seen you before! I recognize Alex, his mean boyfriend, Janie, Leo and Ritchie! Who are you two new people?”

“I’m Kevin, and this is David. We’re friends of Harry’s,” The 19 year old boy said.

Mr. Smith smirked. “I have more friends than you smart people! Ha! Who has the power now?”

“Us. You’re working for us, remember?” The 20 year old, David, smirked.

Mr. Smith stamped his foot. “You’re MEAN!”

Gerald scratched his head. “My Mama says I’m smart. That makes it true, don’t it?”

Dominic peered at his friend. “I think so. Don’t most people believe everything their Mama tells them, at age 30?”

Evan stroked his chin. “How old am I again? I thought I was negative 200.”

Harry chuckled. Chris facepalmed, and Leo and Ritchie groaned. Alex, David and Kevin were in hysterics. “So you haven’t been born for another 200 years?” Kevin asked.

“That’s completely illogical.” Leo added.

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things, pointing to places in space. “Is illogical a type of math? Like the math Evan is trying to use to figure out his age? Oh no! I should have brought my calculator!”

“I doubt that would resolve the issue,” Leo sighed.

“My calculator can resolve any problem!” Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the table.

Harry clapped his hands. “Why don’t you stop arguing with my guests and go work in the kitchen with the others? Come on!”

Mr. Smith pouted, but Philip took hold of his arm. “Come on. Let’s show these chumps how much better we are than them by not getting fired this time! Or quitting!”

“Fine!” Mr. Smith huffed. “Mr. Smith won’t be a loser today!”

“Just tomorrow and every day after that,” David snickered.

Mr. Smith growled, but was lead into the kitchen by Philip. In the kitchen, workers were tirelessly slaving away, making sandwiches for Harry and his guests. They were complicated sandwiches too- peanut butter and jelly! Mr. Smith got right to work, eager to prove himself. He wouldn’t forget a single ingredient this time!

They were twenty minutes in when suddenly they heard a crash from the other room. “Oh no!” Mr. Smith yelled. “It must be my younger brother, here to ruin my day! Freddy Smith! When I try to be responsible, he shows up and ruins it! Oh no! What do I do? Now I’ll never prove to those chumps that I’m the TRUE genius!”

Philip sighed. “I’m sure Freddy isn’t here. I’ll go investigate the noise.”

To Be Continued In Part Two (Post Available Now)

[filmbook21]

[weirdlookindog]

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

[oldtimesnew]

Philips Castle, Heineken ad, Star Trek's Mr. Spock, 1975

Scanned from the book "Airflow," 1980.

Philip Castle, is a British airbrush artist. Castle is best known for designing posters for the Stanley Kubrick films A Clockwork Orange and Full Metal Jacket as well for Paul McCartney's Wings tour, among others.

[uwmspeccoll]

Typography Tuesday

Last week we highlighted a typographic display of David Bethel’s Glint type ornaments arranged and letterpress printed by the Milwaukee-born letterpress printer Michael Tarachow at his Pentagram Press. This week we present a selection of handset type displays by Tarachow from his 1988 book The Pentagram Press Commonplace Book, printed in an edition of 176 copies signed by the printer. This was his Tarachow’s first book printed in Minneapolis after moving there from Markesan, Wisconsin. He subtitles the book A Selection of Typographic Interpretations and states that it “required 112 press runs (time is the invisible factor!) on Arches Wove, which amounts to nearly 28,000 impressions.”

With the exception of George Bernard Shaw, the quotes are by type designers and letterpress printers: Leonard F. Bahr, Rudolf Koch, Eric Gill, Philip Gallo, Bruce Rogers, Wisconsin letterpress printer and outdoorsman David Brosshard, and Tarachow’s spouse and printing partner Merce Dostale. Click on the images to view the types used.

View other posts with work by the Pentagram Press.

View more Typography Tuesday posts.

[roskirambles]

Horror Movie of the Day: Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

There’s a psychiatric condition known as the Capgras Syndrome: the irrational belief a person close to us has been replaced by an identical stranger. Tied to some fairly intense forms of mental illness, it can easily spiral out of control and create a sense of isolation and paranoia. But, what if multiple people suddenly started saying this at the same time?

When a strange species of flower starts appearing across the bushes and trees across the city of San Francisco, health inspector Matthew Bennel has to make this question to himself. His close friend and coworker Elizabeth Driscoll is apparently experiencing this situation: her partner Geoffrey is suddenly acting cold and distant. Matthew’s initial suggestion is for her to talk his psychiatrist friend David Kibner, but similar stories keep popping up. And then a strange, incomplete looking body appears on the spa of another of his friends. That also seems to try to mimick them.

It’s clear this is no mere delusion. Something more sinister is going on.

A remake of the eponymous 1956 classic (which is in turn based on the novel The Body Snatchers by Jack Finney), this movie takes the same core story idea of its source of inspiration and flips it on its head by simply changing the setting. Instead of taking place within the confines of a small town, having the story take place in an urban environment changes the story dynamics and even themes. Instead of an outwardly placid town where people become strangers, you get the cold strangers becoming uncannily close to each other as suddenly the city masses are all staring at you in an urban alienation nightmare.

It’s a fantastic remake of an already great movie, upping the ante while still paying respectful homage to what came before. With a stiffling, dissonant sound design, the cynicism of 70's cinema, and a splice of body horror the end result is an all time great of the genre.

[jaypillerva]

OC Portrait Sketches — Screenshot Progression

For my book page: jaypillerva.com/books