#philip and simon

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #24: Calculus Class

It was April, just a week after Mr. Smith lost at Jeopardy, when Mr. Smith returned to his new favorite class- Advanced Differential Calculus. Mr. Smith had been doing well in the class, better than he ever had in college- he had a 20% as his overall grade! Mr. Smith was excited that he was finally passing a class, as he was sure this was a passing grade- Harold Smith had told him so.

Before class, Mr. Smith’s professor had arranged to meet with him. Mr. Smith was sure it was to congratulate Mr. Smith on how well he was doing in the class. Mr. Smith eagerly knocked on his professor’s door. “I’m here!” He yelled.

“Come in,” Professor Stanley quietly commanded. Mr. Smith opened the door, surprised he knew how. He was on a roll lately!

“Sit down, Mr. Smith,” Said Professor Stanley. “I have some bad news. As I am sure you are aware, you are failing my class.”

Mr. Smith gasped. “No I’m not! I have a 20% as my overall grade! Dad told me it’s passing!”

“It is unprofessional to call your father ‘Dad’ when addressing your professor,” Professor Stanley glowered.

“Dad likes when I call him Dad. He says it’s special because he’s the only person named Dad in the world.” Mr. Smith said.

“That’s nice. Anyway, 20% is not a passing grade, you have been misinformed.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Does misinformed mean I miss my Dad? It has been a few hours since I last saw him, so that could be true.”

Professor Stanley gritted his teeth. “Misinformed means you are wrong.”

“WRONG?!” Mr. Smith yelled. “But my Dad TOLD ME IT’S TRUE! I CAN’T be WRONG, you big jerk! You’re MEAN!”

Professor Stanley sighed. “The only way you’ll pass my class is by scoring a 100 on this test. Otherwise, you will most certainly fail.”

Mr. Smith smiled cockily. “My Dad will just blackmail you into passing me. What do you say to THAT, huh? You jerk!”

“I’ll say that I will stay true to my integrity and fail you if your father tries to blackmail me.”

Mr. Smith pouted. “FINE. I’ll… TRY to do well on this test and boost my grade. But if I fail, it’s all YOUR FAULT.”

Professor Stanley narrowed his eyes. “No- if you do not show me the proper respect, I will kick you out of my class and you will receive a failing grade, instead of taking my generous opportunity to improve your score. Do you understand?”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “What is an opportunity? Does it have something to do with an octopus? They have two of those at the aquarium where I swam with the sharks.”

Professor Stanley sighed. “I don’t even want to know. Just please try and do better on this test, and don’t disrespect me again, or I will kick you out of this class.”

“Alright,” Mr. Smith agreed.

Twenty minutes later, Mr. Smith sat in the classroom eagerly awaiting his test. He knew he’d do well, he spent five minutes practicing before class! He would easily score a 100, maybe even a 1,000 on this test! There was a first time for everything, right?

Then, four students came into the classroom- Leo, Ritchie, Alex, and a tall college age student Mr. Smith had never seen before. Mr. Smith covered his face with his hands. “Oh no! Not another genius! Someone help!”

Alex smiled. “This is my boyfriend, Chris. He has a 160 level IQ. I bet that makes you really nervous, doesn’t it, Mr. Smith?”

Mr. Smith trembled and peeked through his fingers. “Oh no! He’s… another GAY GENIUS!”

Alex smiled. “That’s right.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Why do you care if I’m gay and a genius? What does it matter what my sexual orientation is?”

Ritchie nodded. “That’s what I said! He can’t stand if someone in the LGBTQ community is smarter than him. He’s really homophobic.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Does homphobic mean I’m scared of spiders? Spiders are really scary. Philip says when I see them I scream like a girl.”

The four (actually intelligent) boys snickered. “It’s always amusing when homophobes emasculate themselves. Very hypocritical.” Chris said.

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “Is a hypocrite the same thing as a hippopotamus?”

Chris sighed in annoyance. “No. A hypocrite is someone who acts like they’re better than everyone and then contradicts their own logic.”

Mr. Smith stared blankly. “Those were too many words for me to listen. Can you say that again, but slowly and with smaller words so I can understand?”

Chris rolled his eyes. “You’re a moron.”

Mr. Smith glared at Chris. “I know what THAT word means! You’re just jealous because I have a girlfriend and you don’t!”

Chris glared back. “I’m happy with my boyfriend. At least I’m not insecure and throwing stones in glass houses like you! I bet you don’t even HAVE a girlfriend!”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “Why would someone throw stones in glass houses? Wouldn’t the house break? Or would the stones just bounce off? I can never remember these things.”

Professor Stanely walked into the room. “Hello, class. Today we will be welcoming a few students to take the test with us, as they are from my other class that unfortunately I cannot have due to a family emergency I will need to take care of. Welcome Leonard, Richard, Alexander and Christian!”

People smiled and waved at them as Mr. Smith opened his backpack. “I brought my most sophisticated calculator!” Mr. Smith announced, taking it out.

Professor Stanely took a look. “This is a broken children’s toy calculator held together by Scotch tape and old glue, not a sophisticated graphing calculator like I instructed you to bring. Does this even turn on?”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “I don’t know how to turn it on.”

“There’s a button that says ‘on’ in large letters at the top below the screen.” Professor Stanley said with a sigh.

Mr. Smith stared blankly. “This classroom has a wooden door, not a screen door. My Dad has a screen door ar home. He uses it so flies don’t get in the house in the summer. Wait, if you have summer classes, how do you keep flies out with that wooden door?”

“That’s hardly relevant,” Leo said. “The professor is trying to help you with this situation before your test and you’re completely off topic.”

“What is a topic and why is it off?” Asked Mr. Smith. “Does it have an on button too?”

“Oh my God,” Leo said. “You’re HOPELESS!”

Ritchie shook his head. “I’m sure he won’t last much longer in this class, Leo. Just ignore him.”

Leo sighed. “I guess you’re right.”

“You can use this calculator, Mr. Smith. I have a spare,” Alex said, handing Mr. Smith a graphing calculator.

Mr. Smith took the calculator from Alex. “What am I supposed to do with this? It has too many buttons!”

“I don’t know, Mr. Smith!” Professor Stanley snapped. “Figure it out!”

An hour later, Professor Stanley collected the tests. He addressed Mr. Smith after seeing his test. “What’s this?” He pointed to an illustration on the first page.

“It’s a drawing of the afterlife for members of the puppy farm! Did you know that people associated with the puppy farm have a special place in the afterlife reserved just for them? It’s called Puppytopia, and there are puppies, and unicorns, and endless amounts of ice cream to eat! It’s a beautiful paradise for loyal servants to the puppy farm where no one willl ever call you stupid again!”

Professor Stanley sighed. “Should I even turn the page or is it just more drawings?”

Mr. Smith peered at the professor as if confused. “I only drew one picture.”

Professor Stanley turned the page. “Why did you just write a story instead of answers for the rest of the test?!”

Mr. Smith smiled. “Read the story, it’s very clever, much more important than anything we learned in class!”

“It says, ‘Once upon a time, there was a boy named Mr. Smith. Now, Mr. Smith was no ordinary boy. One day Mr. Smith was walking in the forest and a spider came down and bit him. But it wasn’t just a spider. It was a radioactive spider, and soon, young Mr. Smith developed powers! He could climb walls upside down, had super strength and could shoot webs. He would swing through the city with Susan in his arms after he got a job at McDonald’s.

“But things soon turned sour for Mr. Smith. The Joker began terrorizing Gotham City, and Mr. Smith knew he had to stop it. He had a showdown with the Joker, who said he thought he was more of a genius than infinity level IQ Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith couldn’t have this. His reputation was at stake. Mr. Smith wrote up a list of reasons why he was smarter than the Joker.

“‘Reason number one,’ Mr. Smith said. ‘I am the hero of this story, so I must be smarter than you. Two, my Dad tells me I’m the smartest person to ever live, so it must be true. Three, I feel as if I’m a genius, so I am. And four, I’m a genius because I said so.’ Mr. Smith finished. The Joker clapped. ‘You really ARE a genius!’

The Joker said. ‘I’ll be sure to tell all the criminals, and then because of you, Mr. Smith, there will never be any crimes committed in the entire world again!’ Mr. Smith smiled. ‘Except for the bodies in my fridge.’ He said. The End.”

Professor Stanley lowered the test. “This test has served no purpose except to amuse yourself. Mr. Smith, your grade for this test is a negative 100. You officially have failed with a negative score as your overall grade.”

Mr. Smith’s face turned beet red. He turned to the four boys. “This is ALL YOUR FAULT! If you hadn’t distracted me I wouldn’t have tried to get a 5,000 on this test with that story! The professor didn’t even like it! I thought it was creative! That’s IT! I QUIT! I am officially dropping this course!”

Mr. Smith ran out of the room, but the four boys could hear crashing sounds from the hallway outside. “Oh God,” Leo muttered. There was the sound of Mr. Smith screaming in frustration as well as the shouts of startled students. Mr. Smith came back in the room with a mop from the Janitor’s and began chasing students in the class out of their seats. “If I can’t enjoy this class, neither can you!” He yelled. He ran over to the professor’s desk and began knocking things off the desk with the mop. “Take that!” He yelled. Then he suddenly dropped the mop on the ground after he forgot how to hold it, and then tried to leave the desk, but he tripped over the mop after he forgot it was there. “Oh no!” He yelled. “Help! Someone help! I’ve forgotten how to get up! I look so stupid!”

Students began to filter out of the room as the class ended, leaving Mr. Smith flailing around helplessly on the ground. “That’s what you get for being nothing but spiteful. This time we won’t even help you up,” Ritchie said, as Mr. Smith began clawing at the floor. The whole class left Mr. Smith in the class alone for some time as it was the last class in that room of the day, but eventually the janitor came in looking for his mop and helped Mr. Smith, who fled the campus around midnight in shame.

***

[frogchiro]

Maybe an unpopular opinion but a domesticity kink + dry humping is one of the best combos out there EVER

Like imagine this big, strong, burly man like Price or Simon or Graves being absolutely wild and soft for you, the pretty housewife that drives a man crazy♡ All soft curves, nice ample breasts and soft, broad hips with a pretty floral apron tied around your waist as you cook a nice hearty mean for your tired man and greet him with that beautiful smile of yours :((

It honestly would make them soft, desperate, hating the idea of being even a second longer away from you, all pent up and horny so they just cling with their big, rough hands to your hips and they can't helo themselves but thrust their quiclly hardening cocks against you, effectively humping you like an animal in heat but even your soft whines that you need to finish their dinner doesn't stop the man; he needs to fuck, needs to be close to his girl♡

[yooo-lets-go]

Opinions on Phillip Graves?

Wtf is a kilometer???

[valiants]

Hi Valiants! I was wondering if you would ever do a couple small sketches of other characters from COD? I'm just curious to see peeps like Farah & Alex in your style (Graves too even tho I don't like him lol).

If not no biggie thank you as always for your delicious soapghost content 🙏😋

Ah ofc, love to draw the blorbo-adjacents...

Sorry to hear you don’t like Graves… he’s funny to me though..

[witchthewriter]

𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐬𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐩𝐫𝐞-𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩

⤷ gender neutral, ambiguous race, and any size reader. Requests are open, thank you for reading!  

ᴹᵃˢᵗᵉʳˡᶤˢᵗ | ᴹᵃˢᵗᵉʳˡᶤˢᵗ ᴵᴵ

𝑺𝑭𝑾🌿

P.s. this is pre-relationship, when your feelings are still untold...some of the guys are still awkward and some are not :')

𝐉𝐎𝐇𝐍 𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐄

Visiting Price in his office was a common occurance. Sometimes you brought a drink with you, other times you just brought your old tired self.

This was one of those times.

And without looking up, he patted his knee and you hesitated. But only for a moment because as soon as you saw his pen stop scratching on the paper, you stalked over to him.

You rest your head on his shoulder, trying not to think about the goddamn awful day you had. You knew John would want to talk about it when you were ready. It's one of the things you love about him. He wants to help you no matter what.

As if on Instinctive John wraps his arm around your shoulder and brings you in closer. Your face was flushes against his neck and your hands cling to his other arm.

John is so warm, and makes you feel so safe. Everyday is a battle for you; because you just want to fall into his arms and kiss him until you can no longer breathe.

But you can't, because he's your superior and you don't want to jeapordise anything.

𝐒𝐈𝐌𝐎𝐍 𝐑𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐘

Wide-eyed and trying not to move. Even his breathing becomes shallower. It's lucky he's wearing a mask otherwise there would've been a bright red Ghost for everyone to see.

Continues to death glare the others, placing a firm finger in front of his lips. Reminding them to SHUT UP.

No one is allowed to talk when you are asleep in the common area. On Ghost's literal orders.

But he never thought you would actually fall asleep on him.

It was a nice feeling. One that made him giddy inside. Like ... he had been chosen for something important.

And maybe he had. This could be a way for your body to tell Ghost that "I WANT YOU!" But unless you actually tell him, he isn't going to get it - or believe it.

𝐊𝐘𝐋𝐄 𝐆𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐊

Warmth travels to his cheeks as he realises that you've practically clung yourself to him and fallen asleep.

He had taken you to the movies because you had some spare time on your hands and wanted to feel like normal people for once.

But halfway through, drowsiness had overcome you, and consciousness faded away.

It was easy to fall asleep next to Gaz, whose smell and gentle heartbeat felt like heaven.

You hadn't wondered if this was going to far, you trusted Gaz enough to tell you if it was. But he would never tell you that.

Because there was no 'too far.' He would do anything for you. He just didn't know how to get you to see that.

𝐉𝐎𝐇𝐍𝐍𝐘 𝐌𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐒𝐇

Oh our sweet boy Soap, he would become so goddamn giddy. His cheeks turn red as he moves ever so slowly to look at you.

Watching movies together was a common occurance. Your place or his, it didn't matter. Even the movie didn't matter - though you both argued over it relentlessly. It was a way for you both to spend more time together. A reason to say why you were late for ___

Your head had dropped a little and his eyebrows flew upwards. He would never live it down if you fell straight into his crotch area.

So he moved his arm around your shoulders and let you turn fully around to hug him.

Your face pressed against his neck, breathing in his scent.

"Tha gaol agam ort," he whispers into your hair. You only barely heard it. It means (I love you).

He only ever says it when you cannot hear him. But litte did he know you were catching on to certain Gaelic words. Maybe not at that moment, but you had better hearing than he thought you did.

𝐊𝐎𝐍𝐈𝐆

Did not know what to do, and in the midst of his panic, he had accidentally wriggled his shoulder. Which meant you curled up on his lap.

"Oh maus..." Konig whispered, afraid that you would wake up and freak out. But if he truly believed that, then he hadn't been paying attention to your friendship at all.

After ten minutes of the movie playing but Konig couldn't stop staring down at your curled form in his lap, he slowly and gently moved the hair from your face. Stroking your cheeks, running his fingers over your nose and forehead.

It was right then that he fell in love with you. Truly fell in love with you.

A monster and his love. That's how Konig saw the two of you.

𝐍𝐈𝐊𝐎𝐋𝐀𝐈

Charming, suave, flirtacious and utterly awkward when it comes to you.

He makes as much spare time as he can to spend it with you. And curling up on the couch seemed to be the best idea for today.

His large hands wrap around your form and pull you closer.

"Иди спать, малышка" (go to sleep little one) he says quietly, watching you intently as you drift into a deep slumber.

Maybe there is a gun wedged between him and the armrest, but he knows his lifestyle, and how many people want to kill him.

But that is nothing compared to spending time with you.

𝐊𝐄𝐄𝐆𝐀𝐍

Coughs; yes he actually coughs and a few times at that. Why did he cough? He has no clue. Was he trying to wake you up? See if you accidentally forgot he was there?

In all honesty he was panicking - this wasn't the type of friendship that you had. It was all banter and poking fun at each other.

Someone actually asked if Keegan was being bullied a few weeks ago.

He snorted and just walked away. It was probably the best thing that recruit could've said.

It was after a long mission and you barely had time to undress from your military clothes, when Keegan barged in and held up two family sized bars of chocolate. "As a thank you for having my back out there, kid."

You couldn't deny the fluttering in your stomach. But saving face was what you two did. So you took both of the offerings and laid down in bed. "If you're having all the chocolate, I'm not leaving" "I'm not giving it back Keegan." "Looks like you have a bunk buddy then."

And the tall man climbed into bed beside you awkwardly trying to get comfortable. "Jackass," you mumbled. But a slight smile was on your lips. And within an hour you fell asleep.

When you woke up, Keegan was practically ontop of you, melted chocolate on his lips and slight snoring coming from his nose.

𝐏𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐏 𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐕𝐄𝐒

"What the fuck," he mutters to himself as you rest your head on his shoulder on the plane.

You had both been placed on a mission for months and now that it was over, you were exhausted (to say the very least).

The whole time you were together, there had always been bickering. Especially when you were undercover as a married couple.

So you were used to the hostility of Graves (even though he barely had any anymore when it came to you).

Hence, you were way too tired to give a shit. Honestly, if he were to wriggle you off, you would clutch his arm to keep him still.

But he didn't do that. Instead he feigns annoyance and rests his head against the back of his chair. His eyes flickering over to you every few seconds to see if you were okay (if that were to be brought up, he would say that he was looking out the window).

As the time went by, and you woke up, you found that Graves had found your hand and was clutching it.

𝐀𝐋𝐄𝐉𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐑𝐎

Sinks into you as well. His culture isn't so rigid as others. And showing affection means multiple things, but the main thing is that it means he cares.

Where your head lolled on his shoulder, he moved back on the couch, yawned, and pulled you down with him. Your sleeping head was rested gently against Ale's chest.

He knew about your feelings for him, and you knew about his, so this situation was awkward. He knew he had to step up and say something, but it had turned into a game of sorts. As if the first person who spoke up would lose.

But having you on his chest, smelling your hair, feeling the weight of your body on his, he decided that he would happily be the loser.

[octopiys]

Alejandro: I hate verbs in English

Alejandro: I dance

Alejandro: you dance

Rodolfo: si

Alejandro: he dances.

Alejandro: why?

Soap: huh?

Alejandro, pointing at Phillip: is he dancing more than me?

Rodolfo: I don't think so-

Alejandro: six hundred and forty five people dance, and

Alejandro: he dances.

Soap:

Alejandro: how much is this mother fucker dancing?

[aethelwyneleigh27]

Orange Peel Theory With Cod Characters

Would they peel an orange for you? (Scenario based on the test from TikTok)

Characters Included: John Price, Simon "Ghost" Riley, John "Soap" MacTavish, Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, Alejandro Vargas, Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra, Valeria Garza, Farah Karim, Kate Laswell, Alex Keller, König, Kim "Horangi" Hong-jin, Keegan P. Russ, Gary "Roach" Sanderson, Nikolai Belinski, Philip Graves, Vladimir Makarov.

This is probably one of the only times I'll be using the color orange, AHAHAHAHA. As you can tell I wouldn't be okay with the camp half-blood uniform as an Aphrodite kid. Writing this as I'm sick with a cold, my nanny since childhood peeled my oranges for me while telling me to finish all of it because it's vitamin C.

Mansplaining this but the Orange Peel/Peeling Theory surrounding TikTok started with one girl talking about her experience with her ex peeling her oranges for her. It soon turned into a theory/test where people ask their partner to peel an orange for them, something as small and effortless as peeling an orange as that act of service represents their willingness to do things for their partner and if they refuse then that's seen as a red flag because it means that if they're unwilling to do that small thing for them then same case scenario for something big that requires a sacrifice.

They peel it for you almost immediately, no words needed, just you staring at the orange. Grabbing it from the bowl of fruits and meticulously tearing the skin with their thumbs, being careful not to make much of a mess and to not bruise the orange.

It's not a secret that they like to do this, offering other little things like opening doors for you, peeling the skin of apples if you don't feel like eating it and slicing it up for you with a multipurpose camping knife, putting their hand on the edge of a nearby cornered things so it wouldn't be as painful if you hit your head picking something up.

Characters: John Price, Simon "Ghost" Riley, John "Soap" MacTavish, Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, Farah Karim, Kate Laswell, Alex Keller, König.

Would tease you once you ask them to peel it for you but will peel it. Would even hand feed it to you, you have to give them a kiss for every orange they separate. If you tell them you don't like the pith (the white stringy part) then they'd take it off for you.

They probably would ask you to peel some for them too some time around soon but you're more than happy to do it for them.

Characters: John "Soap" MacTavish, Alejandro Vargas, Valeria Garza, König, Kim "Horangi" Hong-jin, Keegan P. Russ, Nikolai Belinski.

You probably should've worded it better, you told them you felt like an orange.. "I feel like a tomato" is what you hear back. You laughed and clarified that you felt like eating the fruit.

"Oh.." they stopped to think if you had any oranges at home at the moment and they got up and peeled it for you, bringing a plate back of two peeled and pulled apart oranges with a glass of water for you.

Characters: Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra, Alex Keller, Gary "Roach" Sanderson.

He'd throw the orange at your head, telling you to peel it yourself.

Characters: Philip Graves, Vladimir Makarov.

Taglist: @wishesforyou @puff0o0 @simping4konig @simp4konig @blingblong55 @azereus @rustic-guitar-notes @shadofireshinobi @thelightdjinnofpalestine @09maruchan @anonymuslydumb @skeletalgoats @icarustypicalfall @ghosts-cyphera @fawnchives @connorsui @capuccino192 @miss-gms-and-the-rotten-womb @celestialhole @the-second-sage @starryylies @everlastingmoonlightsworld @keiva1000 @iexiam @drewsmusee

[sky-is-the-limit]

I just read one of the best Graves smuts I've ever read, no fuck that, one of the best smuts I've ever read that hit every spot and idk what to do with myself. I'm gonna go replay mw2 so he can chase me with a tank.

[shadow0-1]

Sausage party

[gravesshoe]

Phillip Graves would be an overprotective hubby!!

Graves gives such overprotective vibes hihihi

He would have your location on his phone, and vice versa, you'd have his, so just in case, you'd always know where to find him :))

Leaving the house after dark? Hah, didn't think so baby, he's going with you, or at least, drive you to wherever you got to be and of course pick you up too.

While we're on it, he's always offering to drive you everywhere. Going to a friends house? Shopping? Going to the gym? he doesn't care, he's your personal escort because what else is a husband good for, duh.

Need him to pick you up because something inconvenient happened? He's there in a heartbeat. Car broke down? Don't worry Phillip is already on his way. Don't feel safe somewhere? Drops whatever he's doing to come and get you.

Phillip doesn't ask question, you need him? he's there. He's a simple man after all.

On that note, even if you were travelling and things went south, he'd be there too. Even if it's on the other side of the world, he'd either send his men or come there himself, depends on the situation of course.

Side walk rule!!! He follows that rule and you know it!

Overall, Phillip loves his wife wayyy too much not to be this way. He'd never be controlling, possessive or jealous, he trusts you completely and would never do anything to limit your freedom, he just wants you to be safe <3

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #26 Murder Mystery Part One

Mr. Smith woke up early that morning, excited to start his new job. He ran down the marble staircase of his new mansion like a child on Christmas morning. It was the perfect comparison- after all, children had a lot in common with Mr. Smith- their genius level IQ and their maturity level.

Mr. Smith saw his friends crowding around the middle of the stairs. Curious about the commotion, he called out to his friends. “Hello, Philip! Bob, Frankie! Where’s Simon? He’s supposed to help me with my Abnormal Psychology homework. My professor says if I continue to not do assignments, my grade will drop significantly! I’m already at a negative 200 in the class!”

“I’m right here,” Simon replied. Mr. Smith saw that Philip was dangling Simon over the edge of the stairs. “Philip wanted me to give him money, and I said no.”

Mr. Smith turned to Philip. “But you have $1 million in the bank after you blackmailed that movie star last week.”

Philip sighed. “I lost the check. I gave it to Amy for safekeeping. She said she put it somewhere secret, and then forgot where.”

“Oh. My. God!” Amy yelled from behind Mr. Smith. “I trust the wrong people with my money TOO! One time, I found a gold bar just sitting there in the middle of the street. Someone forgot it was there! I took it home, like, kaa- ching I’m rich! I gave it to Susan to hide, and then later I found out where she hid it- in the back of a random person’s truck! We ran out to the road only to see them driving away! I never saw that gold again. It was so ANNOY- ING!”

“That WAS annoying!” Susan walked up beside Amy. “Something like that happened to me TOO! One time, I was working as a security guard at a bank, and someone was robbing the bank, and they told me to guard the diamonds in the back because apparently, diamonds are like, really expensive! I realized that when robbing a bank, a robber would find the diamonds too easily in the safe! So I took them out and gave them to some guy in a black mask to hide! I still don’t know why I got fired!”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Why was he wearing a mask inside the bank? Was it Halloween?”

Susan sighed. “It was July. Sometimes they do Christmas in July, so I just thought it was Halloween in July.”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “What month is Halloween in again? Was it Smithtober?”

“That’s not a month-“ Simon interjected.

“Yes it is!” Mr. Smith yelled. “Smithtober is the thirteenth month of the year, after December! They named it that because, a hundred years ago, my great grandfather Everett Smith singlehandedly destroyed the Germans in World War Two! Everett Smith bribed the German troops in China with chocolate! The Germans surrendered the battle, all because they were too distracted eating chocolate to fight. Everett Smith was declared a hero, and that day, originally January 1st, officially marked the new month, Smithtober, which is the shortest month of the year at 7 days.”

Philip finally pulled Simon back on the staircase. “Everett Smith was a great man. To think, we wouldn’t have won the war without him!”

“Grandpappy Smith is a lucky man,” Mr. Smith said. “To be the son of an American hero! One who even knew Chinese, in addition to speaking American, his first language! Grandpappy Smith even taught me some Chinese! I can say hello and how are you! Quack quack, meow!”

“He is certainly a true genius,” Philip said. “Just as we are TRUE platonic lovers.”

“Yes!” Mr. Smith said. “We’re a platonic power couple!”

Philip glanced down at his watch. “We’d better get going. We’re supposed to be at the mansion in thirty minutes.”

***

Fifteen minutes later, Mr. Smith and his friends arrived at the mansion. They were supposed to help prepare meals in the kitchen for the owner’s guests. Mr. Smith may have been living in a mansion, but he was far from rich. He kept spending thousands of dollars on groceries because Simon ate all the food in the fridge every time Mr. Smith went shopping. Philip always said it was a miracle Simon was so skinny. Mr. Smith would have agreed, but he didn’t know what the word miracle meant, despite having worked as a missionary the previous year.

Mr. Smith knocked on the front door. They waited for a few minutes, then a man in a suit opened the door. Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “You’re wearing a suit! Are you Alfred, from Batman?”

The butler glowered at him. “No.”

Philip chimed in. “Alfred is Spiderman’s butler, Mr. Smith.”

Mr. Smith began counting on his fingers, pointing to places in space. “So I got the wrong movie? Is that why he said no?”

“I’m not Alfred. My name is Steven. Batman is a work of fiction!” The butler snapped.

Mr. Smith’s face went blank. “Fiction? I don’y know what that is.”

“It means it isn’t real!” Alfred Steven snapped. “There is no Batman!”

Next to Mr. Smith, Simon began to cry. “There, there, Simon,” Mr. Smith patted Simon’s back. “Don’t let the mean butler Alfred ruin your dreams.”

Steven huffed. “Please, come in. Mr. Crowley is expecting you.”

Mr. Smith followed Batman’s butler inside. They passed through the kitchen, where several other staff members were working. They were working hard preparing breakfast for Mr. Crowley, a man whose first name Mr. Smith had already forgotten. Mr. Smith noticed one man was making pancakes with blueberries, so Mr. Smith grabbed a handful of berries from the bowl, causing the man to glare at Mr. Smith.

They came upon the dining room. There, Mr. Crowley had several guests over for breakfast. Mr. Smith gasped when he saw all the guests. “YOU! The gay geniuses! And that famous movie actor, Harrison Crowley! Oh no! What are YOU doing HERE?!”

Harry glared at Mr. Smith. “I live here. Who hired you as my kitchen worker?!”

Mr. Smith gasped again. “I thought YOU were a different Harrison Crowley! Oh no! What do I do?!”

Harry sighed. “You can start by making us breakfast.”

“I don’t know if that’s the best idea,” Leo chimed in. “He might put rats in the food.”

Mr. Smith pouted. “I don’t want to serve you!” Mr. Smith paused, scratching his head for several minutes. “Oh I know! How about YOU make the food for ME! The we’ll see who has the power here! A TRUE genius or you fools!”

“I have 160 level IQ,” Harry said. “So it looks like you’ve got something right.”

Mr. Smith began to stare ahead blankly for several minutes. Finally, he spoke. “Is 160 higher or lower than infinity? I forgot.”

Leo snickered. “It’s lower.”

Mr. Smith threw his hands up in frustration. “Why did no one tell me this before?! I made it all the way through Elementary School!”

“They teach that in Elementary School,” Said a new person. It was a 19 year old boy, sitting next to a boy who looked about 20. “You must have fallen asleep in like, every class.”

Mr. Smith narrowed his eyes. “I’ve never seen you before! I recognize Alex, his mean boyfriend, Janie, Leo and Ritchie! Who are you two new people?”

“I’m Kevin, and this is David. We’re friends of Harry’s,” The 19 year old boy said.

Mr. Smith smirked. “I have more friends than you smart people! Ha! Who has the power now?”

“Us. You’re working for us, remember?” The 20 year old, David, smirked.

Mr. Smith stamped his foot. “You’re MEAN!”

Gerald scratched his head. “My Mama says I’m smart. That makes it true, don’t it?”

Dominic peered at his friend. “I think so. Don’t most people believe everything their Mama tells them, at age 30?”

Evan stroked his chin. “How old am I again? I thought I was negative 200.”

Harry chuckled. Chris facepalmed, and Leo and Ritchie groaned. Alex, David and Kevin were in hysterics. “So you haven’t been born for another 200 years?” Kevin asked.

“That’s completely illogical.” Leo added.

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things, pointing to places in space. “Is illogical a type of math? Like the math Evan is trying to use to figure out his age? Oh no! I should have brought my calculator!”

“I doubt that would resolve the issue,” Leo sighed.

“My calculator can resolve any problem!” Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the table.

Harry clapped his hands. “Why don’t you stop arguing with my guests and go work in the kitchen with the others? Come on!”

Mr. Smith pouted, but Philip took hold of his arm. “Come on. Let’s show these chumps how much better we are than them by not getting fired this time! Or quitting!”

“Fine!” Mr. Smith huffed. “Mr. Smith won’t be a loser today!”

“Just tomorrow and every day after that,” David snickered.

Mr. Smith growled, but was lead into the kitchen by Philip. In the kitchen, workers were tirelessly slaving away, making sandwiches for Harry and his guests. They were complicated sandwiches too- peanut butter and jelly! Mr. Smith got right to work, eager to prove himself. He wouldn’t forget a single ingredient this time!

They were twenty minutes in when suddenly they heard a crash from the other room. “Oh no!” Mr. Smith yelled. “It must be my younger brother, here to ruin my day! Freddy Smith! When I try to be responsible, he shows up and ruins it! Oh no! What do I do? Now I’ll never prove to those chumps that I’m the TRUE genius!”

Philip sighed. “I’m sure Freddy isn’t here. I’ll go investigate the noise.”

To Be Continued In Part Two (Post Available Now)

[frogchiro]

COYOTE-GRAVES CHASING AFTER FARM-CAT READER!

Just a pretty little kitty that enjoys the finer things in life, lazily patrols the farm for this and that- reporting back to guard dog Ghost occasionally.

She’s out on the far part of the pasture, lazing around when she see’s Graves behind the fence.

Oh- he’s calling out to her! Hm- she get’s up and slowly starts to walk away like she never heard him- oh he jumped the fence! Maybe walk a little faster- Fuck! He’s following her! Time to run!

Her fluffy groomed behind sprinting back to the barn with Graves snapping at her heels, crazy about this *pretty* little kitty. He knows that you’re a kitty- you’re not meant to take his knot, you’re not really big enough to take his knot but, your body isn’t built to take his knot, BUT! it’s worth trying sweet girl! Get back here!

While you’re just trying to find Guard dog Ghost- why can you never find his scary ass when you need him!!!! Bastard!

(Maybe you try and dart for the doggy door of the house *but, it’s a door for actual dogs* and your ass get’s stuck half way through the door.)

Imagine Ghost’s surprise to hear his kitty howling her head off with Graves shuffled up behind her trying to shove his knot in. Just relax a little kitty!

You have no idea that this ask has been knocking around my brain all day now

And the day started out so good for you too!! :(( You woke up snuggled all warm and happy between the two huge farm guard dogs, Simon and Johnny, who, before you went out on your own, manage to sneak a little nip here and there and tickled you with their tongues a bit, y'know for a good start Kitty!

The 'lucky' tongue tickling didn't do it's job though since now you have a pervy and very horny Coyote Hybrid chasing after you >:( You've seen the wild blonde hybrid before on the premises of the farm, always lurking and stalking when the sun was setting, his eerie eyes almost glowing in the setting light making you meow and run away back to the barn where your nest is and now he's chasing after you bc he wants to mate :((

And as you're running Philip is both horny and frustrated; why are you running?? Come back pretty girl! Sure you're smaller than him and his knot can be a challenge but c'mon Kitty, he promises it will be worth it! He's very virile and strong, he can take good care of you!

Besides it's not like it will be your first time taking dick and knot this big; Philip is lurking around the farm for a while now and has seen you mate so much with the huge guard dog hybrids, Ghost and Soap, that he's actually surprised that you're not knocked up with a litter of pups by now. Not to mention that he saw you sniffing and slinking around that mean old bull, Price, who always charges at him on sight >:(

Imagine Ghost's and Johnny's rage when they find poor you held down by Philip who literally dragged you out of that doggy door and is now thrusting without abandon as you yowl and moan, your soft, broad hips high with your tail fluffed up as the mean Coyote tries to fit his fat knot inside your cunt with a nasty smirk on his annoyingly handsome face </3

[femoso-seben]

Livestock AU

Where Cod characters are hybrids living on a farm -------------------

Price and Alejandro were raised together, as guardian livestock animals they were raised together. Alejandro is a Llama hybrid and is trained to attack dog-like creatures he guards over the sheep. When Gaz the young border collie Hybrid was introduced he had to work with a very aggressive Llama that didn’t like his dog shape.

Ghost is a Kangal, like Price but much bigger. Ghost comes from a puppy mill and has to fight to get food. Very quiet dog unless intimidating the coyotes and wolves. Ghost learns quickly and tends to be the most independent but always comes back to check in with his fellow livestock dogs.

Soap is a Great Pyrenees who generally do anything required of him, mostly looking after the ducks, ducks, and goose. Very playful and young still learning the ropes but very good at his job does sleep during the day since he needs to be active at night. If he sees an unattended egg left over night will eat it.

Lastly is Gaz a border collie and very good at his job if he finds anyone miss behaving (most Soap sometimes Roach) he will bite them near the next to correct that behavior.

Laswell and Roach are both Barn cat hybrids. Laswell usually does all the recon missions and gets the boys to then check things out if she finds something suspicious. Roach is a rescue dumpster cat who survives being poisoned a few times. Very rambunctious and follows the guardian dogs around. Ghost is very fond of the silent cat, you will find Roach sneaking bites of Ghost dog food.

Lastly only recently added is an Alpaca. Rudy is situated with the Goats and as their alarm system acts like a less aggressive Alejandro. Alejandro and Rudy do see each other as packmates as well as their individual herd.

Nik is an old police dog who retired as a family dog, and will help out once in awhile when the urge to work hits him.

The livestock guardians’ main rival is a pack of wolves led by Graves. His shadow is a large pack of wolves that tries the farm every once in a while.

Another group is a group of Coyotes led by Valeria. She has gotten a few Birds from Soap which really upsets him.

The farm is currently being invaded by rats Led by Makarov and Laswell is trying her damnest to hunt him down, he and his Konni group are aggravating the farmer.

The farmer decided to get a few more barn cats.

Reader is a small kitten from another farm with too many cats they and their two friends, Farah a brownish cat hybrid, and Alex a big sandy color cat are added. Turns out Alex is the son of Laswell one of her litters.

Reader is treated like an eyesore by the older guardians until they are old enough to train, learn, and join the workforce. Reader mostly wonders around seeing each group and how they work, and finding their spot to rest in. Makarov once scared them and got scolded by Price. -------

It stupid idea idk was inspired a little by @tacticalanklebiter3000 and @frogchiro and the Hybrid side of Cod community

[seithennyn]

redraw of @numberonegiverwitch's edit! (thank you! much love)

[gomzdrawfr]

some doodle I did for twitter :]

my doodle request is open here as well :D so if you wanna send me sum go ahead!

[aethelwyneleigh27]

The Type of BF/GF Cod Characters Would Be (Scenario)

You know, like that one thing circling around TikTok

Characters Included: John Price, Simon "Ghost" Riley, John "Soap" MacTavish, Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, Alejandro Vargas, Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra, Valeria Garza, Farah Karim, Kate Laswell, Alex Keller, König, Kim "Horangi" Hong-jin, Keegan P. Russ, Gary "Roach" Sanderson, Nikolai Belinski, Philip Graves.

And yes I'm aware that some have repeated characters, some fit more than one

ꕥ HOPE YOU ENJOY! ꕥ

A/n: I'm honestly on a roll and I've had my morning coffee so I'll start cracking, I have been trying to post more recently since it's October and I didn't really partake in the tober fests so I thought posting more might be good. Just me or are biker fucking hot? Yeah it's probs my thing for masked men.

Disclaimers/Warnings: OOC??

Doberman Boyfriend/Girlfriend whose first instinct was to protect you when you officially became theirs, initially they were always protective in subtle ways, subtle ways that also assert dominance over others. Little things like having a hand on your lower back or gently gripping your waist to move you. Their claimed spot is behind you, since they always find it to work when intimidating others and making sure no one even glances at you the wrong way. Might seem like they're intimidating but to you it's a different story, they're sweeter, more docile? Just far more affectionate and you basically have them wrapped around your finger. Switches in the bedroom but dom leaning, can be subs if you want them to be.

Characters: John Price, Simon "Ghost" Riley, Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, Alejandro Vargas, Valeria Garza, König, Kim "Horangi" Hong-jin, Keegan P. Russ, Philip Graves.

Golden Retriever Boyfriend/Girlfriend who are so loyal to the bone, they're fun and oftentimes a little himbo-ish? Quality is the best spent with you, kind of follows you around all the time. They're very clingy but do respect your personal space if you aren't in the mood, though that's what you love about them isn't it? That's they're insistent and wouldn't give up on you no matter what. Also love doing things for you (acts of service) and lives for it when you praise them. Switches in the bedroom, sub leaning.

Characters: John "Soap" MacTavish, Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra, Alex Keller, Kim "Horangi" Hong-jin, Gary "Roach" Sanderson.

Tabby cat Boyfriend/Girlfriend whose chill around others but absolutely craves your affection behind closed doors. The kind of people sometimes randomly show affection in front of others even if they HATE pda. The kind of people who have been traumatized yet still affectionate as can be, everyone loves them for being down to earth but they do have bit of an odd side that only you see. Is a hardcore switch, no leaning.

Characters: Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra, Farah Karim, Kate Laswell, Nikolai Belinski, Philip Graves.

Black cat Boyfriend/Girlfriend who randomly bring home things that made them think of you, they knew you'd like it but only let out a subtle smirk. Lives for you being their adorable little sunshine, mean and cold towards other but less with you. Tried to give you tough love but eventually gave in because you are you. You know how cats sometimes bring you dead animals as a proof of affection and acceptance, they've done that... only with a human head of course. Providing for you and making sure you're taken care of is their love language, very protective and can really hurt people if they wanted to, someone hurts or upsets you? Their head will be displayed on your front porch. Hardcore doms in the bedroom. (Yandere AU anyone??)

Characters: Simon "Ghost" Riley, Alejandro Vargas, Valeria Garza, König, Kim "Horangi" Hong-jin, Keegan P. Russ, Philip Graves.