#let alone enough thoughts to have him be an active character in a fic

[patchdotexe]

one of these days ill stop having The Most Obscure Blorbos In The Entire World

[dee-writes-anime]

The Little Things with Megumi Fushiguro

FEATURING Megumi Fushiguro x reader

SUMMARY yours and Megumi's first kiss! Requested by my sweetie pie anon <3

CONTENT WARNINGS fluff, cuteness, kissing, CHARACTER IS AGED UP, stressed megs in the beginning (yall fix that tude real quick dw), only edited ever so slightly T-T

AUTHORS NOTE how did this simple, cutesy Megumi fic (that was originally supposed to be more hc) turn into a 5,000-word behemoth? Don't ask me, the keys have a mind of their own. Enjoy! :)

The streets of Tokyo were alive with the usual hum of activity — the distant chatter of people, the occasional honk of a car horn, and the soft whirring of bicycles passing by. Above, streetlights flickered faintly, casting long, warm shadows that danced across the pavement as you walked. The night was calm, almost peaceful, despite the city's buzz, and the air was cool enough to make you pull your jacket a little tighter around your shoulders. 

As usual, Megumi walked a little ahead, his long strides effortlessly matching yours despite his seemingly casual pace. His hands were buried deep in the pockets of his jacket, shoulders slightly hunched like he was warding off some unseen burden. His eyes were trained forward, sharp and focused, as if there was something important waiting for him just down the street, though you knew better. That was just Megumi. Always lost in his thoughts, always a little distant — like he was walking through life with the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

You couldn’t help but smile to yourself. It was so typical of him to be like this, always serious, always deep in concentration. To anyone else, it might have looked like he was completely uninterested in the world around him — or in you, for that matter. But you knew him well enough by now to see the little things that told a different story. 

The way he matched your pace without ever needing to adjust. The way his body angled slightly toward you as if he was instinctively keeping you close, even when the street wasn’t crowded. The way his eyes would flicker toward you briefly every now and then, checking to make sure you were still there, even if he never said it out loud. He wasn’t the type to express much with words, but his actions always spoke louder, even if they were subtle. 

There was something soothing about the quiet that always seemed to exist between you and Megumi. It wasn’t awkward or tense, like it might have been with someone else. No, with him, silence felt almost intimate. You could just be, without the pressure to entertain or impress. 

Still, there was something about tonight that felt different. Maybe it was the way the city lights reflected in his eyes, or how his pace matched yours just a little more closely than usual. Or maybe it was just your own heart betraying you, pounding quietly in your chest at the thought of being alone with him like this. 

You weren’t sure when exactly you’d started feeling this way around Megumi — when the calm of his presence had begun stirring something warmer, something more — but here you were, walking beside him with the familiar anticipation creeping in. It was the kind of feeling that made you hyper-aware of every little thing: the way his shoulder brushed yours when he stepped a little closer, the soft sound of his breath in the cool night air, and the quiet moments that passed between you, unspoken but heavy with something you couldn’t quite name. 

Even now, in the simplicity of a shared walk, you couldn’t help but wonder if Megumi felt it too — this quiet tension, this closeness that seemed to be growing with each step. Or was it just you, caught up in your own thoughts and hopes? 

You let out a small breath, trying to shake off the nerves creeping up on you. No need to overthink it. This was just a normal night with Megumi, a simple walk like you’d done so many times before. 

You snuck another glance at him, noticing the tension in his jaw — the way it tightened every now and then like he was thinking too hard about something. His eyes were darker than usual tonight, shadowed by the streetlights that passed overhead, but still as clear and sharp as ever. There was a storm in them, something you couldn’t quite place. 

“What’s got you so serious tonight?” you asked, your voice breaking the comfortable silence between you. “Thinking about missions again?” 

He didn’t answer right away, and for a moment, you wondered if he even heard you. But then he blinked, almost like he was snapping back to reality, and shook his head. “No,” he mumbled, his voice low and rough. “Not missions.” 

That wasn’t much of an answer, but you weren’t expecting a deep explanation. It wasn’t like Megumi to unload his thoughts like that. If there was something bothering him, he’d keep it to himself until he was ready — if he ever was. But still, you felt the urge to poke at him a little more, to see if you could chip away at that wall he kept up so naturally. 

“So what then?” you pressed, nudging him lightly with your shoulder. “Are you nervous about something? Or is it me?” You shot him a playful grin, hoping to get at least a hint of a reaction out of him. “You’re not used to being alone with me, huh?” 

He stiffened at that, his steps faltering for just a moment before he quickly regained his composure. “Why would I be nervous?” His voice was steady, but you didn’t miss the way his ears turned a faint shade of pink, barely visible under the dim light. 

You couldn’t help but laugh. You had teased him before, but tonight, his reaction felt different. There was something almost… vulnerable about the way he tensed up. Normally, he’d brush off your teasing with a deadpan comment or a roll of his eyes. But tonight, he seemed on edge, as if your words had struck closer to the truth than you’d realized. 

“Relax, I’m just messing with you,” you said, though you couldn’t resist a small smirk. “You’re so serious sometimes. It wouldn’t kill you to laugh every now and then.” 

Megumi shot you a sideways glance, his lips pressing into a thin line. “You’re the only one laughing.” 

You chuckled, not missing the slight twitch at the corner of his mouth — a hint of a smile, gone as quickly as it appeared. It was moments like this that reminded you why you enjoyed being around Megumi so much, despite his standoffishness. Beneath that tough exterior, there was a softer side to him, one that he only let peek through when he was comfortable. And somehow, you were lucky enough to be the one who got to see it, even if just in fleeting glimpses. 

But tonight, there was something more, something heavier lingering between you. You could feel it in the way he glanced at you out of the corner of his eye, the way his footsteps seemed just a little less sure. 

Maybe it wasn’t just your imagination. Maybe he felt it too — that closeness, that shift in the air between you. 

You glanced up at him again, your heart skipping a beat when you noticed the slight crease in his brow, the way he looked like he was thinking too hard about something. It was rare for Megumi to get this flustered, but tonight, it seemed like the smallest of things were getting to him. 

“Megumi, are you okay?” you asked softly, your teasing tone melting away. You stepped a little closer to him, watching as his gaze flicked toward you, eyes unreadable yet searching, like he was trying to decide something. 

He opened his mouth as if to say something, but then stopped, clenching his jaw again. His silence felt even heavier now, like there was something caught in his throat that he couldn’t quite get out. And in that moment, you knew — whatever he was thinking about wasn’t simple. 

You could feel the tension between you and Megumi growing, a kind of unspoken energy that buzzed in the air despite the quiet. It made your skin prickle, and you found yourself glancing at him more often, searching his face for any sign of what might be going on inside his head. 

But Megumi, as always, was a tough one to crack. He kept his face angled away from you, his hands still buried deep in his pockets, his eyes focused on some distant point in the street ahead. It was like he was doing everything in his power not to look at you, not to acknowledge the shift that was happening between you. And honestly, it was starting to drive you a little crazy. 

You couldn’t stand the heavy silence anymore. “Okay, seriously. What’s going on with you tonight?” You bumped his shoulder playfully, hoping to break whatever strange spell he seemed to be under. “You’re more quiet than usual. Did I do something?” 

For a moment, Megumi didn’t respond, and you half-expected him to brush you off with his typical deadpan sarcasm. Something like, I’m always quiet, so what’s your point? Or maybe he’d shrug and say nothing at all, letting the silence stretch on until you gave up trying to figure him out. 

But this time, he hesitated. His steps faltered, just barely, but enough for you to notice. His hand twitched inside his pocket, as if he was fighting the urge to fidget. And when he finally spoke, his voice was quieter than usual, almost... unsure. 

“It’s nothing,” he muttered, his eyes flicking to the ground as if he was afraid of meeting your gaze. “Just... thinking.” 

You raised an eyebrow, your lips twitching into a teasing smile. “Thinking? You? That’s dangerous.” You tried to keep your tone light, but the way he was acting made your heart race with nervous anticipation. You bumped his shoulder again, this time a little more insistently. “Come on, spill it. I know when something’s bugging you.” 

Megumi’s jaw clenched, and he swallowed hard, still refusing to look at you. The pink in his ears hadn’t faded, and now that you were paying attention, you could see the way his hands balled into fists inside his pockets, as if he was trying to keep himself grounded. He looked... nervous. Like he was about to say something important, but couldn’t quite find the words. 

You blinked in surprise. Megumi Fushiguro, nervous? That was new. You’d seen him fight curses without flinching, take on powerful enemies without so much as a hint of fear. But now, standing beside you on a quiet Tokyo street, he looked almost... vulnerable. 

Your playful smile faded into something softer, more curious. “Megumi?” you asked gently, stepping a little closer to him. “Hey, you know you can talk to me, right?” 

He finally stopped walking, his footsteps halting on the pavement as he turned to face you. His dark eyes met yours, and for a split second, you saw something in them that made your breath catch — something raw and unguarded, a flicker of uncertainty that he rarely let anyone see. 

“I know,” he said quietly, his voice barely above a whisper. 

For a moment, the world seemed to slow down around you. The distant sounds of the city faded into the background, the night air hanging heavy with unspoken words. Your heart pounded in your chest, and you felt a warmth rise to your cheeks as you stared up at him, waiting, wondering what he was going to say next. 

But then, just as quickly as it had come, that moment of vulnerability was gone. Megumi looked away again, his shoulders tensing as if he was trying to shake off whatever strange feeling had come over him. “Forget it,” he muttered, starting to walk again. “It’s nothing.” 

You blinked, caught off guard by the sudden shift. But you weren’t about to let him off the hook that easily. “Oh, no you don’t,” you said, hurrying to catch up with him. “You can’t just act all weird and then brush it off like that.” 

Megumi kept walking, his strides a little faster now, as if he was trying to escape the conversation. But you weren’t about to let him run away from whatever was going on in his head. Not tonight. 

You jogged a few steps to keep up with him, your heart pounding for reasons that had nothing to do with the pace. “Come on, Megumi,” you teased, trying to lighten the mood again. “What’s got you so worked up? Are you scared of something? Or...” You grinned, throwing out a wild guess just to see if you could get a reaction. “Is it me? Did I do something to make you nervous?” 

You let yourself fall into usual expectation, readying for him to roll his eyes, to sigh and give you some sarcastic remark like he usually did. But again, he stopped, his footsteps halting so suddenly that you nearly bumped into him. 

When you looked up at him, your teasing smile froze in place. Megumi was staring down at you, his expression unreadable, but his eyes... his eyes were something else entirely. Dark, intense, and filled with a kind of tension you’d never seen before. 

And then, to your surprise, his ears turned pink again. 

You blinked, stunned. “Wait... seriously? Is it... me?” 

Megumi’s gaze flicked away, and for a split second, you thought he was going to deny it. But instead, he let out a small, frustrated sigh, his shoulders slumping ever so slightly as if he’d given up trying to hide it. 

“Yeah,” he muttered under his breath. “It’s you.” 

You froze, caught completely off guard by his admission. Megumi had always been hard to read, his standoffish nature making it difficult to figure out what was really going on in his head. But hearing him say that it was you — that you were the reason for his strange behavior tonight — sent your heart into a wild flutter. 

For a moment, you didn’t know what to say. Your mind raced, trying to make sense of the sudden shift between you. All the teasing, all the playful jabs — you hadn’t expected to hit that close to the truth. And now that you had, it was like the ground beneath you had shifted, leaving you standing on unsteady footing. 

“Me?” you repeated softly, your voice barely above a whisper. It wasn’t that you didn’t understand what he meant. You just couldn’t believe it. Megumi, who was always so composed, so controlled, was nervous because of you? 

Megumi turned his head, avoiding your gaze again as if he regretted letting those words slip. His hands were still jammed deep in his pockets, his shoulders tense, and his jaw clenched in that familiar way he did when he was frustrated with himself. He shifted his weight uncomfortably, his lips pressed into a thin line. 

“I told you to forget it,” he muttered, his voice low. But even as he said it, there was a tightness in his tone, a frustration that hinted at just how much this was bothering him. 

But you weren’t about to let it go. Not after that. 

You took a small step closer, heart pounding in your chest, your eyes locked on his profile. “Megumi…” you began carefully, your voice soft but firm. “If it’s me, then… why don’t you just tell me? What’s going on?” 

His lips parted like he was going to say something, but he quickly clamped them shut, clearly struggling with whatever was on his mind. For the first time, Megumi looked truly unsure of himself. His usual confidence, his calm, collected demeanor, had cracked, leaving behind a boy who didn’t quite know how to deal with his feelings. 

He let out a quiet sigh, finally lifting his gaze to meet yours. His dark eyes softened just enough to make your breath catch. “It’s not that easy,” he murmured, the vulnerability in his voice catching you off guard yet again. 

You felt your heart skip a beat. Megumi wasn’t the type to show his emotions openly, and seeing him like this — raw, hesitant, and uncertain — made your chest tighten with something tender and warm. 

“It doesn’t have to be that hard either,” you replied gently, trying to offer him a way out of the tension building between you. “You don’t have to overthink it. Just… talk to me.” 

Megumi looked away again, but this time it wasn’t out of avoidance. He seemed to be gathering his thoughts, trying to find the right words. His shoulders rose and fell with a deep, steadying breath, and for a moment, you wondered if he was going to change the subject, to brush it off like he always did. 

But then, to your surprise, he took a step closer. 

Your heart leaped into your throat as he closed the distance between you, his tall frame suddenly looming just a little too close for comfort. You could feel the warmth radiating off of him, and the scent of his cologne — faint but unmistakable — filled your senses. He was so close now that you could see the faint flush on his cheeks, the way his brows furrowed ever so slightly in concentration. 

“Look…” Megumi began quietly, his voice barely audible in the stillness between you. “I don’t know how to say this without sounding stupid, but…” He hesitated, his eyes flickering away for a brief moment before locking onto yours again. “You make me nervous. Okay?” 

Before you could even begin to process that, he continued, his voice still low but steady, like he was finally finding his footing while you seemed to be losing yours. “I don’t know why,” he admitted, his gaze unwavering now, as if he was forcing himself to stay grounded. “But when I’m around you, I just… I overthink everything. And it’s frustrating because I don’t usually care about stuff like this. I don’t get flustered. I don’t get… whatever this is.” 

Your lips parted, but no words came out. You were too stunned, too overwhelmed by the raw honesty in his confession. Megumi’s usual aloofness had completely melted away, leaving him exposed in a way you’d never seen before. 

“And it’s not just tonight,” he added, his voice softer now, almost like he was speaking to himself. “It’s been like this for a while. I just didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t know if you…” 

He trailed off, his eyes searching yours, waiting for some kind of response. And in that moment, you realized that he wasn’t just nervous. He was scared. Scared of what you might say, of how you might react to the vulnerability he had just laid bare in front of you. 

You took a shaky breath, your heart pounding in your chest as you tried to find your voice. “Megumi…” you whispered, feeling your own cheeks warm at the intensity of his gaze. “I didn’t know you felt that way. But… I’m glad you told me.” 

His eyes softened, the tension in his shoulders easing just a fraction at your words. But there was still something hanging in the air between you, something unsaid, something that made your stomach twist with anticipation. 

Megumi shifted again, his fingers twitching like he wanted to reach for you but didn’t quite know how. He glanced down at the ground for a moment, biting his lip, before finally meeting your gaze again. “I’m not good at this,” he muttered. “But… I think I want to try something.” 

Your heart skipped a beat. “Try what?” 

He hesitated for just a second, his eyes flickering to your lips before quickly darting back to your eyes. And then, slowly, deliberately, he leaned in. 

Your breath caught in your throat as Megumi leaned in, his face drawing closer to yours. The world around you seemed to blur into nothing — the city lights, the distant sounds of traffic, everything faded into the background as your senses honed in on him. The warmth radiating from his body, the soft rustle of his clothes as he shifted, the way his dark eyes flickered to your lips and back again, like he was fighting some internal battle. 

He stopped just a millimeter away from your face, so close that you could feel the faint warmth of his breath against your skin. Your heart pounded in your chest, a wild rhythm that seemed to echo in your ears, and your pulse quickened with the anticipation of what was about to happen. 

But then — he paused. 

For a long, agonizing moment, Megumi stayed completely still, hovering just inches from your lips. His eyes searched yours, deep and intense, as if he was looking for something — some kind of reassurance, some unspoken answer to a question he hadn’t voiced yet. The space between you was charged, electric, and you could feel the weight of his hesitation in the way he held himself so carefully, so deliberately, like he was on the edge of a decision he wasn’t quite sure how to make. 

“Can I…?” he whispered, his voice barely audible. His eyes softened, and for the first time, you saw something vulnerable and shy in his expression — a flicker of uncertainty that made your heart swell with affection. His lips were so close to yours, yet he didn’t move any closer. Instead, he waited, his gaze locked on yours, as if he needed your permission to take that final step. 

It was so Megumi to be this careful, this considerate, even in a moment like this. He wasn’t the type to rush into things, not when it came to something so personal, so important. And even now, standing on the verge of something he clearly wanted, he held back, waiting for you to decide. 

Your heart ached at the tenderness of it, at how much he cared about not crossing any boundaries. You felt a smile tug at the corners of your lips, your chest swelling with warmth at the realization of just how much this moment meant to him. To both of you. 

You swallowed hard, your voice barely more than a breath when you finally found the courage to answer. “Yes.” 

That was all it took. 

The moment the word left your lips, Megumi closed the gap between you, his hand lifting from his side to gently cup your cheek. His touch was soft, tentative at first, as if he was afraid of startling you. But when your breath hitched and you instinctively leaned into his touch, he seemed to relax ever so slightly, his thumb brushing lightly against your skin. 

And finally — he kissed you. 

It wasn’t like the stories you’d heard about first kisses, where everything was fireworks and passion and sweeping drama. No, this was something different. Something softer. Sweeter. It was a gentle, hesitant brush of his lips against yours, like he was testing the waters, making sure this was okay, that you were okay. 

But even in its tenderness, there was a warmth, a depth to the kiss that made your heart race. You felt the slight tremble in Megumi’s hand as he held you, the way his fingers tightened ever so slightly around your cheek as if to ground himself in the moment. And though he was normally so guarded, so composed, there was something achingly vulnerable in the way he kissed you — like he was letting his walls down, just for you. 

You couldn’t help but smile against his lips, your hands instinctively reaching up to grab the front of his jacket, pulling him just a little bit closer. He let out a small, barely audible sigh against your mouth, and you could feel the tension in his body slowly melt away as he allowed himself to relax into the kiss. 

It wasn’t rushed, wasn’t hurried. It was simply perfect — a moment where everything else seemed to fade away, and all that existed was you and Megumi, standing together under the glow of the streetlights, lost in each other. 

When he finally pulled back, his lips lingering just a moment longer before he broke the kiss, Megumi didn’t move far. He stayed close, his forehead resting lightly against yours as you both caught your breath. His eyes were still closed, and the faintest hint of a smile tugged at the corners of his lips — a rare, soft smile that made your heart swell with adoration. 

For a long moment, neither of you spoke. The silence wasn’t awkward, though. It was comfortable, filled with the quiet hum of the city around you and the warmth of the moment you had just shared. You could feel the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, his hand still resting against your cheek, and you leaned into him, feeling more at peace than you ever had before. 

Finally, after what felt like forever, Megumi opened his eyes and glanced down at you, his expression a mix of fondness and embarrassment. “Sorry,” he mumbled, his voice quiet and a little rough. “I wasn’t sure if…” 

You laughed softly, shaking your head as you looked up at him with a grin. “Don’t be sorry,” you said, your voice light and filled with affection. “It was perfect.” 

He blinked, clearly taken aback by your words, and for a moment, you thought he might argue. But then, to your surprise, he let out a small chuckle, the sound low and a little shy. “Yeah?” he asked, his eyes softening as he met your gaze. 

“Yeah,” you whispered, your smile widening. 

Megumi let out a slow breath, his shoulders relaxing as any remaining tension left his body. He leaned back slightly, giving you a little more space, but his hand remained on your cheek, his thumb absentmindedly brushing against your skin. 

For a few heartbeats, neither of you said anything. The moment lingered, sweet and quiet, as you both took in what had just happened. And even though Megumi wasn’t one for big romantic gestures, the way he stayed close, the way his hand never left your face, spoke volumes. 

It was in the little things with him, after all. The way he showed he cared, not through words, but through actions. Through the soft, lingering touch of his hand. Through the careful way he had asked for your permission. Through the gentle kiss that left your heart fluttering in your chest. 

And as you stood there with Megumi, the city lights flickering softly in the background, you couldn’t help but think that this — this quiet, tender moment — was everything you had ever hoped for. 

“You’re still annoying, though.” 

Megumi’s voice broke through the quiet, his familiar teasing tone slipping back into place. It was almost jarring after the intimacy of the moment, and you couldn’t help but laugh, the sound light and a little breathless. You could feel the tension easing, the weight of the moment giving way to something more familiar — more comfortable. But even as you laughed, there was a new warmth between you, a subtle shift that neither of you could ignore. 

You glanced up at him, catching the faintest glint of amusement in his eyes. His expression was carefully neutral, like he was trying to play it cool, but you could see the hints of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips again. His teasing may have been an attempt to return to normal, but there was something different now. A closeness, a softness that hadn’t been there before. 

“Right,” you said, rolling your eyes playfully as you nudged him with your shoulder. “Annoying. Sure.” 

He huffed, looking away, but there was no hiding the faint blush that still colored his cheeks. “I mean it,” he muttered, though the usual edge to his words was missing. “You drive me crazy.” 

“Likewise, Fushiguro.” 

The two of you fell into an easy silence once again, your footsteps in sync as you continued down the street. But this time, the silence wasn’t the same. There was a quiet understanding between you now, a lingering sense of something deeper — something that had always been there, just waiting for the right moment to surface. The air between you felt lighter, warmer, like the connection you had just forged was wrapping around you both in an invisible, protective embrace. 

You were more aware of him now. Of the way he walked just a little closer than before, the small brush of his arm against yours sending a tiny spark of warmth through your skin. The space between you felt smaller, more intimate, and though neither of you said a word, you both seemed to understand what had changed. 

You caught yourself stealing glances at him, noting how his posture was a little more relaxed, how his usual guarded expression had softened just enough to make him seem more approachable. There was still a quiet reserve in the way he carried himself, but now, there was a warmth there too — a closeness that hadn’t existed before that kiss. 

And Megumi, for all his efforts to play it cool, seemed more aware of you too. His hand hovered near yours, as if he was thinking about reaching for it but couldn’t quite bring himself to make the move. There was a subtle shift in the way he walked, his pace slowing just enough to match yours, his steps measured, as if he was unconsciously making sure to stay in sync with you. 

The silence between you wasn’t awkward. It was comfortable, filled with the quiet sounds of the city around you and the soft glow of the streetlights overhead. You both basked in the afterglow of what had just happened, letting the moment linger, neither of you in any rush to break the quiet peace you had found together. 

As the night wore on, you felt a soft smile pull at your lips, a warmth spreading through your chest as you realized how much had shifted between you and Megumi in just a few short moments. His teasing words may have been an attempt to return to normal, but you both knew — deep down — that things had changed. There was no going back to the way things were before. 

And as you walked together, side by side, the distance between you just a little smaller than it used to be, you knew that this was only the beginning. The beginning of something new, something beautiful, something that neither of you had fully realized until now. 

You were both quiet, but the silence spoke volumes. 

[oceans-goddess]

Not Stupid At All

A/N: Sorry I haven't been very active lately, I'm a busy gal at school these days. Hope you like this short fic! I love this boy with my entire heart and I feel absolutely no shame in telling you all that he is my ride or die comfort character<3. Might edit this later because I don't love it, but it'll do for now

Pairing: Eddie Munson x female!reader

Warnings: none I think

______________________________________________________________

Months into the school year, Eddie was still impressed with himself for managing to befriend you that first day of school, when you'd sat all alone at lunch, poking at the grimy "meal" on your lunch tray. His friends had been trying to tell him about a new store that was opening up in town, but he barely heard them.

"And I heard they'll have... Eddie?" Gareth had said, noting Eddie's distraction. "Hello?..."

But Eddie was too busy watching you dig through your bag and pull out a notebook. He'd wished he could stand over you and see what you were writing, get a glimpse of what you were thinking. He felt a swell of affection when he noted the way you tilted your head as you scribbled, the light hitting your hair in a way that made him swoon.

It took a nudge from Dustin to catch Eddie's attention once more; he let out a yelp of pain and mostly surprise.

"Fuck was that for?" he asked, but Gareth cut in then.

"That was for you not listening."

Eddie rolled his eyes and tried to listen, but after a few minutes, it was clear he was completely unfocused again. Jeff waved a hand in front of his face, asking Eddie what his problem was.

"Nothing, man. I'm fine."

"You've been quiet all of lunch," Gareth pointed out, Mike nodding in agreement next to him. Suddenly, every eye at the table was on him, expecting an answer.

"Jeez, guys, I don't fucking know! I'm fine, just..." without knowing how to finish, Eddie slumped forward, messing with his jacket collar.

"Just what?"

"Guys, maybe lay off? He said he was fine," Dustin tried, but no one else was buying it. After a few more unanswered questions, Eddie caved.

"Alright, alright, I'm just kinda, I don't know... I mean, have you seen that girl before?" He said the last part an octave lower, hoping to be discreet, but it didn't matter; every other boy's head swiveled around to look at you sitting at the next table over.

"Way to be subtle, guys, Jesus," he huffed. Gareth was the first to speak.

"Nah, I've never seen her. Probably new."

Obviously, thought Eddie. You had to be new. Eddie would have noticed you if you'd come to this school last year, no question.

"She's cute," Jeff commented.

"Gorgeous," Eddie spat before he could stop himself. Gareth laughed loud enough to draw your attention, and you looked up from your notes, slightly startled. Surely others nearby had done the same, but Eddie didn't care-- he just didn't want to draw your attention.

"Shut the fuck up!" he whisper shouted, reaching across the table to flick his friend in the forehead. When he looked back in your direction, your focus was back on your work.

"Just go say hi," Dustin suggested, earning a snort from Mike. Eddie rolled his eyes. Jeff clapped Eddie on the back, agreeing with the curly-haired freshman.

"No," he said curtly, hoping to end the conversation there, but with this group, it was never that easy. They encouraged him some more, but he denied them once again.

"No, I'd look totally stupid just going up to her."

"No way man," Mike declared. "Not stupid at all. Just be cool. It'll go great."

"Go get 'em, tiger," Jeff growled playfully, "or I'm calling her over." Eddie raised his eyebrows in surprise, his mouth agape.

"No! No, stop. Alright, I'll go say hi. Just shut the fuck up."

______________________________________________________________

It had been months since then, and you'd been kind enough to befriend Eddie. The two of you spent time together almost every day. Every time you looked at him he got lightheaded, and whenever you hugged him goodbye he could barely manage to stand up straight. When you'd asked in your sweet voice if Eddie could be your regular ride home from school, all he could do was nod. He'd probably say yes to anything you asked of him, now that he thought of it.

"What should we do?" you now asked as you sat in Eddie's van in the school parking lot after a DnD session.

"Uh... we could go for a drive? Listen to some music, pick up some snacks, and just drive around for a bit?"

You smiled at that, nodding slightly. The gesture set off the butterflies in his stomach.

"You can choose the music," Eddie allowed, expecting you to choose Wham! or Cyndi Lauper or another artist that he didn't particularly like but had picked up from the store for you to listen to when he drove you home. Instead, you picked out a Metallica album and handed it to Eddie.

"Are you sure? I feel like these songs are kinda intense for a chill night," he asked, completely astonished at your choice. But you were sure, and you told him you wanted to listen to what he liked tonight.

He hadn't thought you could get any sexier, but here you were.

After stopping at the store, the two of you chatted lightly between bites.

"This is nice," you said suddenly. "I mean, the other guys are fun to hang out with and everything, but I feel more relaxed with you."

Eddie could have passed out then and there. You liked spending time with just him? Before he could respond, you spoke again.

"Sorry, I made that sound kind of weird. I just meant that, ugh, I don't know, I mean, you're just... very sweet." From the corner of his eye, Eddie could see that you had your head ducked down and that you wrung your fingers in your lap. Before saying anything, he desperately needed to park the car. He couldn't focus on the road and what you were saying to him at the same time. His mind was racing-- could you actually be trying to tell him what he'd been hoping to hear since the day he met you?

He found an empty parking lot and put the van in park, but it took him a few moments to figure out what he wanted to say back to you. You quickly scrambled for an apology.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to weird you out--"

"No, no you didn't, Y/N." Eddie said quickly, realizing that he needed to come up with something quick.

"I... I like spending time with you too," he said, then internally cringed, realizing how stupid he sounded.

"You do?" you asked. He was surprised that you couldn't tell already. Every moment that he wasn't at band practice, at work, or in class (and even sometimes then), he was with you.

"Yeah," he whispered, and you smiled, shifting to face him in your seat.

"Can I tell you something?" you asked.

"Anything," Eddie breathed. You hesitated for a moment, a blush rising to your cheeks. The anticipation practically killed him.

"I've kind of had feelings for you for a while now," as you spoke, Eddie's world imploded, the car windows shattered, the music blared, the lights in the parking lot flickered wildly-- "and I was wondering if you would ever consider, you know, going out on a date some time."

Eddie didn't know what to say. The girl of his dreams had just asked him on a date, and he was completely speechless. His world had just been turned on its head, and she expected him to give her an answer without blowing up right where he sat? But the longer he sat there staring at you dumbfounded, the more your expression turned from hopeful to embarrassed, and he had to put a stop to that quickly.

"Yes," he choked out, "of course, I'll go on a date with you." You looked over at him with wide eyes.

"Really?"

"Yes, Y/N. I've had feelings for you since the day I met you." You tried to hide your grin by looking down at your lap, making Eddie smile stupidly at your cuteness.

"Why haven't you said anything?" you asked, unaware of Eddie's gaze. He shrugged, then began to speak.

"I guess I didn't want to mess up a good thing, ya know? I mean, you are undeniably the smartest, sweetest, most beautiful girl I know. And I was lucky enough to be your friend. I didn't want to tell you how I felt and make things weird between us if you didn't feel the same." You giggled and shook your head at his assumption.

"No, honestly, I've had a crush on you since we met too. I remember Gareth laughing at something at lunch the first day of school. When I looked over at your table, I saw you sitting across from him. I remember thinking how cool you looked. Your hair, your clothes--" you stopped yourself then, clapping your hand over your mouth to guard yourself from revealing any more. Eddie leaned into you, his eyes begging you to tell him more.

You squeezed your eyes shut and cringed, but Eddie only laughed and pulled your hand away from your mouth. Now that he knew how you felt, he had to know the rest. He was on top of the world tonight, and he wanted to bask in the glory of being admired by you for as long as he possibly could.

"Ugh, um, okay..." you continued, "you looked really stressed initially, but when you came over to talk to me, you were so confident and, I don't know, it was exciting. You wanted to be my friend. I could barely speak. Kinda stupid, I know."

"No way," Eddie laughed. "Not stupid at all. I felt the same way."

When you looked up at Eddie, he was staring at you with the gentlest expression you'd ever seen on him. He was still holding your hand in his, and you intertwined his fingers with yours. He smiled at this and brought his other hand up to cup your cheek. The pads of his fingers were a bit rough from playing his guitar, but you liked the feeling.

Soon, you were lifting your chin, and he was pressing his lips gently to yours. He brushed your cheek with his thumb as he kissed you, and your heart was beating out of your chest. Eddie's kisses were sweet and slow, the exact opposite of what you'd expect from a guy like him.

When you pulled away, the beautiful boy in front of you was smiling. "So," he began, "where will this date be held?"

[ming-sik]

Please please PLEASE I need to know your thoughts on the characters that got shafted by both the narrative and fanfics. Sylvester. Magdalena. Florencia. Charlotte. Kinda sorta Hannelore (poor girl gets reduced to cutesy cheerleader for Myne to fawn over or smth in fics).

fool that you are, you have unsealed pandora's box and happened upon a topic i have a lot of thoughts about. i haven't read much aob fanfic so this is going to be mostly complaints i have with canon.

the main complication in my thoughts towards charlotte and hannelore is that there's a difference between rozemyne the character and the narrative of ascendance of a bookworm. rozemyne as a character has a LOT of internalized misogyny which compounds with an attraction to women and a disconnection to being a girl herself into the unique maelstrom of her more or less viewing other female characters through how good they are at being a cute girl/how much they like her. this means that while she's very complimentary towards charlotte and hannelore, she's also completely uninterested in them outside of their 1) being cute, 2) liking her, and 3) liking books. when her and wilfried's engagement is first announced she's shocked that charlotte is upset because rozemyne said she would support her because it just didn't occur to her that charlotte might want to aim for the archducal seat. rozemyne puts in a ton of legwork to rescue wilfried and put him back on the path to success, but she doesn't even consider trying to find a solution that allows charlotte the archducal seat without wilfried being ruined. i get that she doesn't want him in the temple initially, but after he improves you really think she would at least try to see if having him serve as the high bishop was an option especially at the dozen or so points in the story where everyone is despairing over the lack of manpower. charlotte is florencia's daughter so she wouldn't jeopardize florencia's position, she's better suited to the role, has no stain on her record, the leisegangs don't actively hate her, and, most importantly, she's the only one who actively shows interest in being the aub! and rozemyne not only doesn't try to help her achieve her dream, she doesn't even take enough of an interest in charlotte to notice it, let alone anything else about her except that she's a cute little sister. in fact, she actively diminishes charlotte's accomplishments and likes feeling superior to her.

the thing is that i have not yet started criticizing the story. rozemyne is allowed to be a deeply flawed character who is sometimes actively cruel to likable characters, but my problem lies with the fact that this cruelty doesn't go anywhere. i genuinely don't think aob realizes that rozemyne is mistreating charlotte or that as it currently stands the ehrenfest archducal family spent like the entire royal academy arc following step by step instructions for Georgine 2. having charlotte just grudgingly accept this because she admires rozemyne and doesn't think she has another option until the engagement gets canceled is, i guess, accurate to ascendance of a bookworm's setting where systemic misogyny means that only evil female characters get pissed off if they're screwed over, but that's... bad, both narratively and if you want your stories to treat women like people. i want charlotte to snap! in my rewrite i would give her and sylvester a running conflict where charlotte's mirroring georgine shows that sylvester still doesn't understand why georgine is the way she is and forces him to either reexamine his sexism or deal with the fact that this time he can't wholly blame the monster he created on veronica. i want them to fight! and i want her and rozemyne to fight, i want charlotte to challenge rozemyne's view of her and force rozemyne to choose between reexamining the way she treats cute girls or losing her adoring little sister. the fact that neither of these conflicts happen mean that charlotte as a character really just doesn't get to do anything. they do not let her cook a single time. she's sitting on the bench with the mountain of really interesting character conflicts and story conflicts she could have had as the first sympathetic major female character who is actually trying to become the aub(which i would have additional machinations for in my extensive "what if aob was communist" AU but that's not relevant right now), and instead everyone's like "let's check in on how wilfried's doing, does anyone wanna see wilfried continue to be bad at a job he doesn't even want".

hannelore gets basically the same treatment from rozemyne, and similarly my problem is basically that hannelore has no problem with this. her being a cute petite shy girl despite being from the ditter duchy is at best an interesting starting point for a character, but aob has decided to explore systemic misogyny in feudalism by reducing the majority of its female characters to props who really only exist in relation to their male family members(or rozemyne), which, again, i find boring! i just think it's very convenient how despite rozemyne saying over and over how aggressive dunkelfelger women are, the only active dunkelfelgerian female character for the majority of the story is really meek and quiet. genuinely i would almost entirely write out lestilaut and give the majority of his stuff to hannelore since he's mainly acting on what he thinks hannelore wants anyway. in my mind hannelore's first major character action is to challenge rozemyne to ditter for the ownership of schwartz and weiss, rozemyne takes her lightly because she's a cute girl, and then nearly gets crushed until she pulls out the lord of evil strats before collapsing, after which point hannelore freaks out and it's revealed that she's not an antagonist, she just thought the shumils were cute and wanted to be their owner, at which point rozemyne invites her to join the library committee. in general dunkelfelger having less of a sharp gender divide than ehrenfest because both men and women are expected to be muscleheads is like the most gimme way to actually show cultural differences between duchies and actually iterate on yurgenschmidt's society allegedly prioritizing skill and mana over gender(and this keeps almost being implemented only for aob to never really go anywhere with it). rozemyne keeps trying to fit hannelore into the box of a cute feminine girl by her standards which provides friction between them because hannelore IS a cute feminine girl by dunkelfelger standards. she doesn't have to actively fight with rozemyne over this the way i want charlotte to, but i really wish she had more of a presence in the story and also EVERYONE in dunkelfelger thinking that rozemyne loves ditter and the only reason she has to refuse is because of her physical weakness would be so much funnier if the primary source of misunderstanding is that she keeps not realizing she's agreeing to play ditter until it's too late because she's blinded by hannelore's cuteness. everyone else is like "rozemyne you have to stop accepting her challenges rozemyne you're going to lose trade rights to rinsham" and rozemyne is like "i didn't realize a 'summer tea party' was a dunkelfelger womens' euphemism for ditter :(". this is the only rewrite that i think wouldn't require a total overhaul of aob's structure and that fits with the series' overall comedic tone.

florencia has the unfortunate problem that she exists entirely in relation to sylvester and elvira, which means that when the two of them have their interesting edges sanded away her stocks crash through the floor. florencia serves as the bridge between sylvester and the world outside of the eye of veronica's storm, she is simultaneously the only person he fully trusts and someone who felt the full force of veronica's abuse, so you really think that'd go somewhere and that his arc would involve him realizing there's aspects of her that up until now he hasn't been forced to deal with and her arc would exist. instead mostly she's just written as either elvira's bestie or sylvester's handler, to the point that when aob goes all in on child marriage during brunhilde's proposal florencia isn't even in the room. the end of the stick she gets is so short it can only be seen by a microscope. i don't even really understand how you could hate her aside from i guess wanting wilfried's neglect to be her fault? which it isn't! it's, for the most part, sylvester's.

and oh boy sylvester. his squandered potential is unmatched and i will never not be mad about it. what they did to my man is a crime and if it isn't it should be.

like okay firstly i re-read the brother sylvester segment recently and i was NOT imagining it, there's no way in hell sylvester was always meant to only be against pedophilia because he's a wife guy. during his introduction when myne asks if he's going to the orphanage to look for flowers he is specifically upset that someone her age is thinking about that, and counters it by saying that he's skilled enough to find girls in the noble's quarters. the second part is relevant because it means that it's not the wife guy thing, which leaves only the first thing. firstly, his reaction being disgust implies that this is a moral issue for him, and his citing her age specifically makes it clear that's his sticking point, which rules out it being that it's sex outside of wedlock or that he finds temple girls unclean(in fact it also implies that he only wants girls with equal or greater social status to him who can therefore say no). the reason this is interesting to me is that this is very weird in noble society. ferdinand actually spells this out at one point when benno is similarly disgusted by rozemyne being implied to be his lover, where he says that it's a normal age gap in noble society and that it must not be among commoners, which benno doesn't contest, implying that this is true, and it appears to be! from the pairings we see, it seems that overall, commoner marriages are almost all unrelated adults, which makes sense, because most people do that unless systemic forces incentivize them to do something else, and implies that aob is commenting on the fact that pedophilia/incest in historical political marriages were not naturalistic, but instead something that was mandated by the specific way the system of hereditary feudalism works where marriage is a tool to connect political pieces and therefore you can't afford to be picky about how well those pieces match and in fact the power gaps that come with that are often actively useful to prevent bonds from being broken. that's what i meant when i said awhile ago that i was willing to see where aob was taking things! which made it all the more interesting when sylvester showed up and seemed to be showing that this was going to be a conflict that was explored in more detail.

to go all the way back to foundations, my reading of the prior gen archducal family is that sylvester as a character is the way he is primarily due to the fact that the aggressive favoritism veronica raised him with shielded him from a lot of the abuse their system mandates at the cost of harshening the abuse on everyone outside of him, which puts him in a really paradoxical position. on the one hand, he's fervently idealistic and puts almost no importance on his archducal status, so he's basically never intentionally cruel, but he's also ignorant to a lot of issues and is incredibly bad at reading people specifically because nobody whose life he can ruin is able to chew him out for doing that. he understands noble euphemisms, but the level of emotional concealment that everyone under him has to preserve combined with the fact that veronica actively disincentivized him from learning how to read people means that he doesn't realize when he's hurting people, and almost nobody can tell him. sylvester's quiet "sorry for not noticing" when rozemyne tells him that his attempt to cement her position by spreading printing as fast as possible was actually making things worse is probably the most direct the story gets about this.

so sylvester is a good guy! although he's irresponsible and ignorant, when it's actually revealed that he's hurting people he always tries to rectify it, and is clearly willing to sacrifice for the good of other people... but he's also the archduke, which means that regardless of his intentions, he's in control of a lot of peoples' lives, and no mistake he makes is victimless. the way their society works means that his obliviousness has a body count, including his sister.

his relationship with georgine had so much potential. georgine had her life ripped away from her after being severely abused in service of a future she's been cut off due to the existence of a completely innocent and goodhearted kid and is then forced to watch him grow up in bliss, wrecking the lives of everyone around him in the process. this is veronica's fault, obviously, but it wouldn't have felt that way. we unfortunately don't really get to see her perspective on the training she tried to give him(was she really trying to prepare him? was she trying to drag him down to her level? was it both?), but the thing is that they are both entirely justified in hating each other. sylvester was the recipient of an enormous amount of privilege that he wasn't even aware of and that came at the expense of everyone around him. simultaneously, they're not inherently bad people. there's every chance that if they were born in a different world or even as commoners, they would've been completely normal siblings. and yet they weren't, so they aren't. the first time we hear about georgine from his perspective sylvester actually says that he understands that georgine got screwed over when she was married into ahrensbach, but either that also got retconned or he didn't really understand the weight of it because for the rest of the series he just treats her like a flat antagonist. (which i think is because it was added in the LN, so maybe it just wasn't canon in the webnovel?)

i already mentioned him a lot in charlotte's section but yeah mostly i just want to give the man an actual character arc instead of having him just slowly flatten into "goofy wife guy". have his disconnect with noble society go somewhere! instead of having him realize that despite his intentions to raise his kids in the safety bubble he was raised in, the cycle of abuse is inescapable so long as the nobility persists, and instead of deciding "aw dang i guess the cycle of abuse is just inescapable then" have him question if we should have nobles! i genuinely don't get why people say aob isn't preachy. it is, it's just very conservative so its preaching is "the divine right of kings is fine but we should add capitalism" which is the default for medieval fantasy. which is bad. like is it so crazy to have his reaction to learning that there's no inherent difference between nobles and commoners through rozemyne's mere existence followed by the revelation that even orphans can become literate and skilled enough to match nobles be deciding that this distinction is perhaps completely arbitrary? when rozemyne is explaining how widespread lower class literacy revolutionized the world to ferdinand and she's like "oh but here everyone relies on nobles for mana and nobles can just use it to preach about how awesome they are" i thought that was going to be subverted because as a commoner with mana who understands that the devouring means that mana is not inherent to nobles she should know that's as false as the intelligence argument. but then it just wasn't. i will stop that for now though as i'm currently lying to you about not sneaking in an additional rant about how i would make aob communist.

back on topic, as soon as rozemyne joins noble society, aob panics and starts introducing a bunch of reasons why child marriage is actually totally ethical(i guess freida explaining why being a mistress is actually her best case scenario was supposed to be like "oh phew what a relief" and not "well that's horrifying") but because sylvester(and benno who actually gets the exact same thing done to him) has already expressed disgust at this despite having prior experience with it, suddenly it's that sylvester is just a wacky silly weirdo who only wants to be married to florencia because he just loves her that much. although he is obviously in complete agony when he says that if she and wilfried can't put up with each other she'll have to marry him, why is apparently not worth going into. in fact, it'll never be worth going into again! rozemyne will continue being kinda grossed out by huge age gaps and a lot of other characters seem kinda reluctant to marry kids, but this also never goes anywhere and now that sylvester is just a Wife Guy she agrees with everyone saying that he should just take a second wife. fermyne is its own thing(SEPARATE RANT), sylvester only seems to really care about their potential relationship insomuch as it affects their reputations and by p5vol12 he's been reduced to cutesy teasing them about rumors of their love. really though the nail in the coffin on this front was brunhilde's proposal. firstly, sylvester doesn't even really do anything during it! brunhilde initiates it and rozemyne is the primary opponent(with her objections all knocked down easily and treated as ridiculous), sylvester just kind of sits there outside of being upset at the implication that he'd abuse brunhilde, and then he agrees to it and that's that. tbc i do find this morally abhorrent not least because brunhilde turns to the camera and more or less goes "you might have some objections, but let me explain why marrying a teenager is actually a great idea", but then to add insult to injury it's also narratively really weak.

and while i do think that his final scene with georgine where he's begging her to explain why she hates him when he never did anything to her and she's got "the best life a woman can have" is really impactful and i think better than him already knowing why she hates him, it's actually really weird when outside of that he hasn't had any kind of character arc and his realizations that he's been perpetuating a lot of the harm that veronica and noble society have normalized for him are shut down(mainly by ferdinand which ideally would've GONE SOMEWHERE). and then it's dropped again to go back to the boring action climax, pursued by deus ex machina. it really needed to be a turning point in sylvester's arc where he's forced to accept that georgine does not want to reconcile with him and his never needing to understand her motivations is a big part of why. if he's supposed to be a tragic character he can fail to improve, and keep convincing himself that georgine is just a simplistic force of evil who hates him for no reason, but if he is going to improve he needs to figure out why she hates him by putting effort in himself and being willing to accept that he's not a kid being bullied by his big sister anymore, he's an adult who's responsible for his own actions, a lot of which made the situation worse.

to tie things back into charlotte, the lost potential between charlotte and sylvester is staggering because HE'S DOING IT AGAIN!!!! he's doing EXACTLY what veronica did with opposite intentions, in his attempt to keep wilfried from being abused the way he was by making his future secure he ends up neglecting and exposing charlotte to veronica's abuse and then continuing to neglect her. through his inability to understand what his childhood abuse was actually caused by, he ends up abusing and neglecting all of his children, but especially charlotte. this isn't even really explored through wilfried outside of people being frustrated that sylvester is busting his ass trying to keep the incompetent wilfried as the future aub because it's the best way he can see to keep him from suffering despite it actually harming him more which IS interesting but not the way it's implemented, and rozemyne's specific situation means that she generally interacts with him like he's a boss she's on relatively friendly terms with and doesn't view him as or need him to be a parent(which also shields her from basically all of this). but despite charlotte having unquestionably the most fraught relationship with him, aob again just has her put up with this. sylvester is one of the most well fleshed-out and sympathetic abusive characters i've ever seen so it's really frustrating that charlotte, his most affected victim, just gets shoved to the side because if we had to deal with the fact that despite his good intentions sylvester spent the vast majority of the story leaving her out in the rain to focus on his golden children then he'd have to be a textually morally complex character.

although to try and speculate on why things ended up this way, a lot of this is explained by the fact that afaik aob's webnovel was solely from rozemyne's perspective without a lot of the short stories so basically everyone except rozemyne and ferdinand had all their character development patched in for the LN which is probably why nobody except them has any semblance of an arc so because rozemyne as a protagonist is so disinterested in other people, you kinda can't give characters really detailed arcs onscreen because she either zones out or stubbornly tries to keep fitting people into her boxes. it'd be different if the original story had other POVs and therefore characters could do things that she doesn't care about or that it would be weird for her to be present for(like sylvester and charlotte definitely need to clash on their own; it'd mess with the tone a lot if rozemyne had to be sitting awkwardly on the sidelines so the audience could witness it). it is possible to give characters detailed arcs that the unreliable narrator doesn't pick up on and stories with deep worlds tend to have a lot of characters doing things when the narrator isn't looking, but it's REALLY hard to have entire character arcs that the narrator doesn't pick up on work because you run the risk of either not making it so the reader can actually see that's what's happening or you make it so obvious that the unreliable narrator has to be cartoonishly wrong to avoid just being a narrator accurately describing things. i'm told there's a hannelore spinoff which might be more interesting but this series has torched so much of my goodwill towards it that after the main story wraps up i'm putting my foot down and listening to this excellent advice:

[dum1s-writings]

Well, hello! It's nice to see an active total drama writer in here! I love this show so much and the fandom is like dead 💀

So, I had this idea...

It could be headcanons or a fic/one-shot, whatever you feel like the most!

But, what about the reaction to the TDWT crew to Chris bringing his niece with him?? Like, the reader is just a sweet 19 y/o teenager who looks for their safety and actually cares about them??? (Total contrary to his uncle lmao).

It doesn't have to be with one character specifically, most like how they would react overall to the reader wanting to protect them from Chris (AND PLEASE MAKE THE READER PROTECT CODY FROM SIERRA I BEG U)

Anyways, have a nice day!!! <3

~~~The Nice McLean~~~

I fucking love Total Drama!! I firmly believe Leshawna should've won the first season. I'll try to add my least favorite characters from World Tour to avoid being biased.

Warnings: Chris McLean, Sierra's stalker behavior, attempted manipulation from Alejandro, Duncan being kind of an ass, does Cody being a crybaby count? I'm making it count.

Pronouns: They/Them

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Alright contestants I have another surprise for you." Chris looked at the tired teens. From behind Chef came another teen. They smiled and waved to the other teens.

"Another contestant?" A few questioned simultaneously.

"Oh hell no. Their mother would kill me." Chris slung his arm around them and tugged them close. "This here is -Y/N- McLean, my nibling."

"Heya," their smile got bigger "I hope we can get along."

Everyone was too shocked to speak for a moment. Sierra was trying so hard not to flip her shit. Chris McLean's nibling was actually in front of her.

"So you're related to Chris?" Harold finally asked.

"Yeah. My mom is his sister." -Y/N- answered truthfully.

"Think of -Y/N- as a co-host. Another Chris of sorts." The older man smirked. "They'll keep an eye on you famous wannabes while I can't."

First of all we'll get the obvious out of the way, the cast fucking love you, after getting to know you. Obviously at first learning you're related to the devil host, Chris McLean, they immediately thought this season would be twice as torturous. But give them a couple of days or weeks and most of them would willingly jump from the plane for you. The others may take some time.

I'll start with the ones that take no time in becoming your fans:

Cody: for him the moment he saw you give a genuine smile was when he trusted you. Having dealt with Chris's shit for so long made him aware of a real and fake smile. Also when you demand Sierra leave him alone? Oh yeah he likes you even more now. Expect a lot of clinging, as much as he can, crying for one reason or another mostly Sierra and excessive praise for the small things.

Lindsay: my sweetheart, so pretty so.....not traditionally smart. She saw you looking super nice in your outfit and that was it. Anyone with fashion choices as good as yours are definitely trustworthy. Please become shopping buddies after the show is over.

Owen: this big lug. He really tries to see the good in everyone. More often than not he's wrong. But he's genuinely happy he's right about you.

Sierra: she knew about you before anyone else. Obviously she's going to trust you from the get go. You're related to THE Chris McLean. That trust may or may not waver...TBD. Either way watch yourself around her. Keep a close eye on your belongings.

The neutral ones who need a bit more time are:

Noah: he just doesn't trust easily. Take no offense to it. I think only Owen was lucky enough, being an actual giant ball of sunshine and stupidity. Perhaps if you sneak him some Noah-Safe food he'll trust you faster.

Gwen: poor girl has been scorned by the world so often. It's left her with a few trust issues. Maybe stick up for her and watch some good horror movies together. Reassurance is the key, she was painted as a bad guy from the beginning. Let her know she's more than that and it's okay to admit she did wrong. Help her move past that.

Leshawna: this bad bitch (lovingly) knows her worth. She wants to make sure others know it as well. Don't talk down to her and hype up her plans and ideas and she'll consider you worth her time and respect. Also keep Alejandro away from her. Please. My queen deserves better.

DJ: he's a softie and a Mama's boy. He does want to trust you. But after his failed restaurant with his Mama it might take some time. People in power never helped him or his Mama. In fact he wonders if they were sabotaged. Help him find ways to "reverse his curse" and he'll definitely trust you, also maybe offer his Mama a job as a chef, especially if it's a higher position in a private kitchen.

The ones who just straight up dislike you and take a long time to like you are:

Alejandro: his family caused him so much trauma. He doesn't trust ANYONE. He may act like it, nodding to your advice and being nice. But alas tis all a front. He's really just waiting for the perfect moment to betray you. When that time comes and goes and you're still nice to him? Yeah....you may have started chipping away at his walls.

Heather: the queen bee. The head of every group project. Highschool taught her to look out for herself. So did the first two seasons of Total Drama. She'll bitch at you and talk shit about you "behind" your back. Just brush it off and continue being nice and you'll win her over, eventually.

Courtney: the Type A Psychotic Crazies and debate team caused Courtney to believe only Courtney can help Courtney. She'll refuse to trust you and judges those who do. In fact it's not until she's kicked off will she finally trust you. Maybe meet up after the show and talk to her, she'll apologize to you and own up to her wrongdoings.

Duncan: the runaway delinquent. The hardass he is doesn't trust you, purely because of your last name. Chris ruined his life, more than he himself could have. Being stalked no matter where he went for 2 years put him on edge. Abolish Chris's stupid "must always sing" rule and his opinion on you might change.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hopefully this works. I didn't know what to do for most of it. I was winging it big time.

[thequietkid-moonie]

May I request yu ishigami having a crush hc, from love is war. Have a great day!

Yu Ishigami with a crush

[ HEADCANONS ] [ Kaguya-sama Love is war / Kaguya-sama wa Kokurasetai ]

Waaaahhh!!! Thank you thank you thank youuuuuuu!!!! I loooove the prompts where reader is the character's crush and I LOVE Ishigami, so this is perfect (it may be obvious for long it end being the fic 🤭)

I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did while writing it!

It isn't easy to approach to Ishigami since he is reserved and rather introvert, specially after being suspended but it isn't imposible so if you insist enough you can start by being friends with him (even if he was interested on you he isn't the type to go and talk to you, but he may try if it is after getting in the cheerishleaders club since he wants to change)

Ishigami isn't the type to fall in love at first sight, is more of a slow process for him, first of all both of you have to be friends and he will slowly open up to you (as long as you aren't too prideful or annoying for his liking it won't be so dificult) and show you his true self, you can tell that he considers you a friend once he can talk to you about his thoughts (even if they are silly or even is just him complaining about something) or start joking around with you

It take a while but once Ishigami start to develop a crush on you he will know almost imediatly, however he doesn't want to accept his feelings right away, he just don't want to be in love with his friend or make a mess like the last time (even when he knows you probably won't be so idiotic as the last girl he liked), it would take him a while but at the end he will finally accept his feelings for you (and will take him a while more to make peace with it and don't call himself an idiot for falling in love)

However, even before he accept his own feelings Ishigami is rather subtle with them, yes, he want to be loved and to experience what it is to be in a relasionship but he isn't desperate for it, little hints like paying a little more attention to you, trying to spend more time with you or even try to be more kind with his words (because he sometimes say some things with good intentions but sounds bad) can go unnoticed and even if his closest friends notice it they may don't thought much of it at first

For his friends to notice it, it will take a while, after a long time of noticing that he is slightly more interested on you or that he actively wants to spend more time with you or be closer to you is when the realization hits them and suddently that become the biggest gossip of the student council and all of them want to help him with this, they will probably try to help you two to get together discreetly, but they fail since their plans of letting you two alone are pretty obvious and at the end you two will end up talking like always (nothing romantic, just friends talking, at least from his part, if you try to do something like flirting he will nervously try to follow you on it)

Since he doesn't advance on those oportunities they will try to be more direct with setting the two of you together, with silly games or even commenting how you two look good together or how great of a couple you two could be (for what Ishigami will be embarrased but also hopeful, may even ask if they say it for real if they tell him when being alone and you can't heard)

At some point Ishigami will grow tired and annoyed about their friends' help and will confront them about it, he will strictly tell them to don't do it more, he will admit his feelings for you to them if they insist (mainly in hopes that they stop being so annoying, what probably won't happen) but makes clear that he doesn't need their help

Ishigami does like you but will never dare to force his feelings on you, besides if is a simple crush he doesn't want to risk losing your friendship, he will try to win your heart only when he is fully sure that what he feels is love and not just a simple crush that could vanish any time, and when he does start to try and win your heart is more noticible (still he tries to don't be pushy or anything)

It becomes more obvious how Ishigami tries to be physicaly closer to you, the glances he send you from time to time (but always try to don't be catch or act as if he wasn't looking at you but something else), it becomes more obvious how much attention he put you by little thing like he wanting to carry your things if you are tired or by bring you some of your favorites snacks or drinks from time to time, how he actively text you more outside of the school, most of the time he even send goodnights texts and always greet you in the mornings (he will never admit it but most of the time he search for you with his eyes in the crowd or wait for you near the front door of the school)

However he never stop treating you as his friend, he does joke with you and calls you by friendly names (sometimes call you idiot in a friendly way but he voice is so soft most of the time that is obvious that he didn't mean it) and he still does rant about whatever make him mad, he isn't blinded for his love at all but he still wants to express how much he appreciate you in subtle ways

Again, he will never dare to force his feelings on you so if you don't feel the same or even like someone else he will understand, Ishigami will respect your feelings and cheerish for your happiness but will step back and won't be as close as he was with you, it isn't like he will vanish, he will just distance a little but still be your friend (he may be grumpy for a while but after some time he will make peace with it)

[from-the-coffee-shop-in-edoras]

I'm back to talk a bit more about Teddy! (I love that you call him that, lol. Also, thank you for answering my questions!) Since I haven't read UT yet, and there's isn't much about Theodred's character in LOTR books, would you happen to know (or maybe even share some of your own headcanons) what kind of person he was? Passionate and somewhat hotheaded like Eomer? A bit more levelheaded? Really tall, or a bit on a shorter side? I know he was a strong and skilled warrior, but apart from that, I know almost nothing and I'd very much like to 😀 Thank you so much!

UT is definitely the best source for everything we know about Théodred as a person, so let’s start there and work our way forward!

What’s straight-up stated in UT: Théodred was a “vigorous” man, “devoted to the king” and “high in his affections.” He “remained steadfast” in his loyalties to Théoden and Éomer despite Gríma’s best efforts to turn them against each other.

What we can infer from UT: He was an excellent leader – his men are “well trained” and execute maneuvers in “good order.” He was INCREDIBLY brave – even after realizing that Saruman’s forces at the Fords were coming for him personally, he stood his motherfucking ground and went down fighting. He was beloved – Grimbold and Elfhelm nearly died rather than allow Saruman’s forces to carry his body away. He was strong – he took a fatal wound (likely from an axe) but hung on long enough to give last words to his men at the end of the battle. And he had an amazing sense of duty and love for his family – those last words were a request to be left at the Fords long enough to see his cherished cousin Éomer arrive and take up the defense of Rohan in his place.

What I believe to be true of him (i.e., my HC):

–Growing up in a house without other kids and with a busy father, he spent a lot of his early years alone or with his Aunt Théodwyn. He gravitated to solitary activities as a result. He liked reading, for example (Rohan’s royal family was literate!), and he got a love of plants from his aunt. He thought using the sun, some water and his own hands to bring beautiful flowers to life was the closest thing to magic that he’d ever experience.

–His best friend was Boromir, who he met on visits to his grandmother’s family in Gondor. They bonded over the shared pressures of being an heir and the shared loss of a mom, and they remained friends their whole lives, which ended within 24 hours of each other 😭. (I love a good Borodred romance fic as well, though that’s not my personal HC!)

–He was unafraid to challenge tradition. He accepted duty that was for the good of Rohan, but resisted anything that only worked to control him as a person. That’s why he was still unmarried in his 40s. He wouldn’t marry for expediency or for an heir; he held out for love and was just as happy for the crown to pass to Éomer’s line after his own death. He also tried to advocate for others in the royal family (*cough* Éowyn) who felt constrained by tradition.

–He was much calmer and more measured than Éomer. Part of that is age (Éomer was 13 years younger), and part of it was in their natures. Théodred was born a little introspective and thoughtful, whereas Éomer has canonical hotheads (i.e. Éomund) in his genes.

–It’s v. important to me that Théodred had joy in his life since otherwise it’s pretty tragic. I gave him a fiancee, Eadlin, who loved him FIERCELY and made him very happy, and I also gave him a dog – the kind that looks huge and scary but is actually a big goofball – because dogs are the absolute best and all my faves have them.

Now I risk blabbering on at even further length, so I’ll stop there. But thank you for asking about him! ♥️♥️♥️ Teddy is one of my absolute FAVORITES, and I love to both talk and hear about him!

[wildernessuntothemselves]

You Are My Queen Now | Part 9

Word Count: 24k (fuuuuuck)

Genre: Smut, angst, fluff

Summary: Growing up as a child of a minor lord, you had it instilled in you since a young age that you needed to find yourself a rich and affluent husband that would not only provide a comfortable life for you, but would also help further your family’s position in the court. So it was of the utmost importance that you remain a virgin in order to land such a coveted husband.

The problem lies when the man you secretly love, Prince Beomgyu, suddenly and unabashedly propositions you.

Warnings: extremely unhealthy relationship dynamics, really fucked up characters and their fucked up families, cunnilingus, fingering, dry humping, breeding kink, switch!oc, switch!gyu, cheating, drugging, brief thoughts of suicide, oc will be having romatic/sexual scenes with gyu and she and him will make justifications for that rape in the process. This is not me condoning what they’re saying or doing. I, as the writer, am of the opinion that rape is unforgivable under any circumstances. However, these are very fucked up characters and their love for each other is selfish and obviously not sane so don’t take their clearly fucked up logic to mean that rape is justifiable. 

A/N: Check out the playlist for the fic as well as the wonderful pinterest boards my lovely ♡ anon made for the fic. They’ll really help put you in the mood and contain hints for next chapters and even the ending.

The dagger and the ring lay on the bedside table in front of you, two gifts from two very different men–the two items signifying them so well and yet not at all. The ring is a gorgeous thing, delicate yet extravagant, offering so much promise it can’t possibly fulfill, while the dagger is sharp, dangerous yet protective, and so strangely beautiful. 

They both make such differing promises–Taehyun’s a fight for your life, for the chance to own it, a beauty forged in the fires of adversary, Beomgyu’s a deceptively easy, glamorous life that requires you to give up so much, to make the ultimate sacrifice. 

It’s an incredibly hard decision to make, but you’ve made it. And as you hear Taehyun coming out of the adjoining bathroom, you quickly put the ring away before he can see it. 

“What are you doing, angel?” He asks, and you look up at him to reply but suddenly jump back at the sight of him. In place of the piece of cloth he used to have covering his lost eye, now is a black enamel false eye that looks like it was ripped from the devil himself. 

“You don’t like it?” He hesitates when he sees your reaction. 

“No, it’s just…” You try to lie but can’t come up with anything, and he sighs. “I’m going to cover it up.”

He moves quickly to retrieve his eyepatch but, in his haste, ends up bumping into the desk it's laying on. That happens a lot nowadays, him slipping or bumping into things as he still hasn’t adjusted to the loss of his eye. It frustrates him a great deal and you hear him curse and pound his hand against the desk. 

Taehyun may have brushed the injury off at first so as not to alarm you, but now he’s feeling the effects of it accumulate and weigh on him heavily. Without his right eye, his depth perception has been greatly impaired and it impacts all aspects of his life–from navigating day to day activities, all the way to his combat and archery skills that have taken a huge hit. He's been suddenly thrust back years and he may never get back to his level before the injury again, and that makes him feel extremely vulnerable. He is a military man through and through. His whole personality revolved around how capable he is to protect himself and his people and now he might not be able to. His people are under great threat and he’s struggling to perform the most basic tasks, let alone have the skill to fight alongside them in a battle. 

You want to reassure him–tell him that if he practices enough, he can eventually learn to largely compensate for his lost eye, but you keep quiet because you know it will take tremendous time and effort to relearn things he used to excel at, and he wouldn’t need to if it weren’t for you.  A core aspect of his personality has been compromised, and you’re the reason behind it, and now you have the audacity to tell him it will be alright? No, you can’t so you just keep your mouth shut and let him handle it at his own pace. 

What you can do is attempt to ease his tensions a bit. How disgraceful would it be for you to show repulsion to the physical manifestation of his affection and efforts to please you? 

Quickly, you get up and walk towards him. “Come here.” 

You grab his hand and pull him towards you, murmuring to him, “Close your eyes.”

He gives you a confused look, hesitating for a bit before doing it. He already lost vision in one eye so it's tough for him to willingly close the other one. You rise up on your tiptoes and kiss both his eyelids softly then lean back to see his small smile in response. 

Even though you are so used to Beomgyu’s extremely expressive style of love that you can’t really appreciate Taehyun’s silent affection, the one thing that you’ve come to appreciate about it is that you don’t always have to find the perfect words to say what you mean. You can just express it physically and hope he understands. 

When he opens his eyes again, you force yourself to look directly into the mismatched orbs. It’s hard–not just because of how unsettling it looks, but because it’s hard to face him knowing what you’re about to do. 

He leans down to kiss you and you kiss him back, trying to calm him down even more, hoping that you can somehow take some of his anxiety away and hold it for a bit. But you become hesitant when the kiss grows more urgent and needy, and his intentions become clear as he starts tugging on your sleeping down. 

"Taehyun…" You protest, not wanting to do this now knowing what’s about to happen. But Taehyun holds onto you, gaze boring into yours.

"Please." He utters, the vulnerability seeming to be magnified in his one good eye. 

You haven’t given him an answer yet and that too is taking a huge toll on him. 

In his eyes, he has opened himself up to you, revealed his deepest weaknesses and worst fears, the things he tried so hard to keep hidden and protected behind a hard exterior, and yet you didn't accept him right away, didn’t lay your arms around him and shield the hurt he feels inside. For the first time ever, he allowed someone to gaze upon the worst parts of him and they hesitated, leaving him to feel exposed and weak. 

You know he must be struggling a lot right now, but he doesn’t say it. How could he when the one time he reached out he was left with no answer? 

So here he is seeking reassurance in the only way he safely knows how–using the only method that he is still sure of himself in, and you can’t really deny him that. It’s selfish and altruistic all at once, letting him feel that security for a few moments before you have to rip it away from him.

You kiss him again, silently giving him the permission to move forward, and he pushes the nightgown off your body before hoisting you up on the desk. 

He pulls back from the kiss to spit in his hand before propping your legs apart with his body and guiding his wet hand between them. 

"Taehyun…" You moan as he sinks his fingers into you, and your own hands go to free his cock from his pants, stroking him into hardness. It’s a frenzy of heated touches and unspoken pleas–him pleading you to choose him, you pleading him to forgive you. 

Before long, you’re both ready, and he wraps your legs around his waist and pushes into you, his mismatched eyes staring deep into your own as he takes you. 

You give him what he wants, that reassurance he's searching for as you meet his stare and moan out his name, letting him feel desired, enveloped, and he loses himself in you, his heavy breathing joining your moans as his high builds up. For a while, he feels in control again. He feels capable. He feels loved. 

But it all comes collapsing like a sandcastle hit by a wave when he reaches his orgasm and you push him away like you always do, forcing him to spend his seed on your thighs and showing him once again that he’s not welcome.  

He moves away from you like he’s been hit by the wave too, quickly tucking himself back in his pants and handing you back your nightgown. You slip it on, not bothering to clean his cum in favor of hopping off the desk and going to pour the both of you some wine to calm yourselves down and to finally put your plans into motion. You can’t stand this anymore 

It may have looked suspicious, how you randomly decided to have a drink right now, but it wasn’t random at all. In fact, Taehyun is used to you using alcohol to self-soothe by now. 

He dislikes that about you. He prefers to stay sober, wanting to always be sharp and focused, even when it’s painful to do so, and so he dislikes how you resort to alcohol to calm your nerves and dull your senses. He thinks of it as cowardly and weak, that you can’t face your own life and decisions and so you try to run away from them at the bottom of liquor bottles. 

Maybe he’s right about that. Maybe you’re not as strong as you thought you were. 

But he hasn’t said much about it recently, probably because he’s afraid that if he is tough on you now while you’re making your decision, that might push you back into Beomgyu’s arms. Which in of itself is something you have to reckon with. The old Taehyun wouldn’t have cared. He would’ve chastised you even if it pushed you away because that’s just how he is. He’s unapologetic and crude more often than not. Even his brand of love is tough love. But now he’s careful, scared. Is that better? Is an insecure Taehyun who is wavering on his morals, his very character, better than a harsh Taehyun who stands true to himself? 

You definitely need that drink. 

Your heart picks up speed with every passing second as you pour a drink for the both of you, discreetly pulling out the vial of powder you had stashed away near the wine. This is it. You’re doing this. 

You try to make up some small talk so you can distract yourself from your erratic heart as you slip the powder into his drink. 

“How does it feel?” You ask awkwardly, then add on when you realize that your vague question can mean many things. “The eye, I mean.” 

“Weird.” He replies absently, lost in his own thoughts. “It’s sort of like an itch but not. I am aware of it in a way I was never aware of my eye before.” 

“I’m sorry.” You grimace, turning around and walking towards him with the drinks. 

“I don't need your sorrys. I just need an answer." He says, cutting through the bullshit, and you swing your head back and a big gulp of your drink before handing him his own. 

He doesn't even protest, the tension reaching an all time high in him that even he needs the drink now. 

He snatches it from your hand, downing a big gulp of it too. It makes your heart ache for him. You’re going to ruin him beyond recognition if you stay. You’re not good for him. Yes, you helped him some. You showed him how to make more allies and solidify the ones he has. You made him see things from a point of view that he didn’t want to before. But at what cost? Half his court? His people? Himself? 

This unsure and insecure Taehyun is painful to see, and even if you stay and soothe his worries, he would always compare himself to Beomgyu even if he wins, even if he kills him. 

You sit next to him on the bed, and reach your free hand out to hold his, but he just stares down at it, not clasping it back. And after a while, he says, “I know you’re scared he would kill me. I mean… I hope that's the reason you're hesitating anyway." He mutters, taking another drink to chase the nagging doubt away. "But we have a real chance of winning. My people at the palace tell me that the nobles there aren’t very content with some of his recent actions.” 

You take your hand back, suddenly scared. Is Beomgyu encountering problems already? 

Seeing your confused expression, Taehyun elaborates, “Apparently he’s allowing peasants to train for positions that have only been exclusive to the nobles so far, professions like physicians, engineers, scientists… It’s not sitting right with the nobles.”

“Why would he do that?” You ask, perplexed. You know that Beomgyu has always helped the common folk, but this just seems so random.

Taehyun shrugs. “He claims that he’s met many brilliant peasants who would be very accomplished if their skills are honed, and he wants to provide them with that opportunity.”

Taehyun’s tone sounds derisive, as if he thinks the idea is stupid, and that confuses you even more.  “Well, isn’t that good?”

He snorts, confirming your suspicion. “In an ideal world, yes. But these esteemed professions are restricted to the nobles for a reason. They’ve had the best education and training since they were children, while these new recruits haven’t. You can’t just pluck a random person from the street and train them in one of the most important professions out there and think they’re going to measure up to those who have been training their entire lives for it.” 

“Then he can open schools for them. He already provided lessons to some of the common people before.” You argue, remembering the family you met when Beomgyu took you to the city streets.

“And provide entrance based on what? You think if everyone can be an engineer, that anyone would want to work the fields?” His reply annoys you. Surely Beomgyu has a system in mind to pick out the potential trainee. Besides, that’s not the point.  “So we shouldn’t provide them the opportunity to better themselves so we can keep them at our feet?”

“That’s not what I am saying.” Taehyun protests the meaning you’ve gleaned from his words. “You know I am not the type of man who hoards power and money from my people, but everyone is born into the role they have to play. If you start messing up with the order of things, everyone will start coveting the things that belong to others and society will descend into chaos. If you give the common people these positions now, they’re going to demand bigger and more important roles. They’re going to want positions in court, the temple, maybe the king’s council even, and the regular person just can’t be trusted to make such important decisions when they don’t have the proper background and understanding for it.”

“Maybe but I think the regular people should be represented in those positions, that way they can be the voice advocating for their peers instead of them getting trampled over by the rich and powerful.” 

“You think that when these people taste power they wouldn’t turn right around and act the same? The only difference is that they will not be controlled. I am not a fan of the upper echelon of society either, you know that, but there is a system to things around here–a trail of accountability that men and women of our standing are held to all their lives that the regular people aren’t. If you start allowing rouge elements to take charge, how are you going to maintain order?”

“So everyone should just stay where they are and not strive to move up? The peasants stay peasants and the nobles rule over them just by virtue of birthright?” You exclaim, and Taehyun shakes his head impatiently. “Not just birthright. I told you, we lead different lives. They toil in the fields while we get educated on how to rule. They hone the skills they require to lead their roles in society as do we. Just like I wouldn’t be able to forge my own sword like a blacksmith could, he can’t govern a city like I can.”

“If that’s what you think, then surely you think I am below being your wife and ruling beside you.” You say in disbelief, and realization finally dawns on him. He understands why you’re really upset. 

“Oh, angel. You’ve always underestimated yourself.” He chastises, grabbing your hand and giving the back of it a kiss. “You’re a highly educated lady. You grew up taking one of the most prestigious roles a woman can in society. Even if the other ladies looked down on you, you still received as good an education as a woman can get in this kingdom. You just needed to learn a few more skills to be able to rule by my side.”    

You take your hand away and stand up, pacing. “I was only allowed to reach that far because of Beomgyu. I wouldn’t have been fit for you if it wasn’t for him. Now he’s giving the less fortunate that same opportunity. I thought you of all people would support that. Don’t you stand for justice and equality?” 

Despite how it seemed to you initially, Beomgyu is the one who actually saw you for who you were rather than your rank. If you hadn’t been a lady in waiting, Taehyun may not have chosen you at all. 

“I do, but not all people are created equal. If I let my people govern themselves, everything is going to go to shit. You’ve seen my court. You’ve seen how emotional and paranoid and suggestable the common person can be. That’s exactly why I was against letting that old man be pardoned for killing his daughter’s killer. You can’t just let people do whatever they want. It sounds good and fair and lovely on paper but in reality, everything would come crumbling down soon enough. It’s my duty to do best by my people. It’s my duty to protect them, even from themselves. Sometimes it may not seem like it, but I am. My father trained me brutally for this job and I have trained Kai in return. You think you can just get someone off the street and have them do my job?”

You guess you shouldn’t be surprised that this is Taehyun’s reaction after all. He was always so harsh and strict on Kai, preparing him for a possible future where he might not be there to guide and protect him and he has to rule by himself. He has a very structured and narrow viewpoint of the world. He also has extremely high standards and won’t accept anything that would deviate even a little bit from them.

You thought that since he made an allowance for you, that he thinks differently. But you suppose you weren’t much of an exception yourself. After all, he did train you intensely too–going above and beyond to make sure you’re up to the job of just being his wife.

“I care about my people.” He starts again at your silence. “I care for them by not letting the other lords get away with any crimes they commit, and punishing them when they do, just like how I punish the poor. That is what real justice is, not that false king’s flowery sham that will inevitably come crashing down on him.” Taehyun says that last part spitefully, “You think when the nobles turn on him, his peasants will stand by him? No."

The thought of everyone turning on Beomgyu makes your heart clench painfully. You don’t know why he’s doing this, but you know he’s doing it for good. He has always cared about the well-being of his people. Educating them isn’t something new for him, this is just a bigger scale of what he was already doing. He may have done some messed up shit, but he doesn’t deserve for people to turn on him for this. 

You’ve quit pacing at the dreadful thought and Taehyun gets up to wrap his arms around you. “It will bite him in the ass, angel. I can assure you. He will be undone by his own actions, and I am not going to protect you if you’re standing right next to him when it all comes crashing down.”

You can’t listen to this anymore. You can’t hear him talk so happily about Beomgyu’s fall. 

Now is as good a time as any to enact the second part of your plan. “Then I guess I will have to be buried down in the rubble with him."

Taehyun’s eyes widen in shock while the rest of his face crumbles. "Is this because I'm not agreeing with you?” He asks angrily, but quickly tries to compose himself, his jaw clenching as he breathes through his nose. “I'm sorry." 

"Are you? What for?" You call him out on the absurd lie. He’s just saying anything to get you to stay at this point, just like he previously claimed that he loves you. He thinks it’s what you want but all you can hear is mockery.  

He can’t answer your question. He doesn’t have an answer because he’s just pretending. "I don't want you to lie to me, Taehyun. Your words are nothing if you don't actually mean them." You shout, frustrated.

"I am trying. I try to be nice. I try to buy you nice things. I lost my fucking eye for you. What more do you want me to do? Do you want me to be him?” He growls, starting to come undone under the pressure. “I am not him. I will never be him."

"I know. That's why I choose him.” You declare, putting as much conviction in your statement as possible so he’d believe it. “I want to go back to him. I love him." 

He’s at a loss for words for a while. You can see so many thoughts racing through his mind, trying to make sense of your sudden decision. "Are you doing this to protect me?" He asks at last, hope–a scared little spot gleaming wetly in his eye. He’s pleading with you to tell him that you’re not choosing Beomgyu over him, that you’re only saying this because you want to protect him from the war. 

It’s partly true. You want to protect him. You want to protect Beomgyu. You want to protect everyone, and if you stay, thousands will die. But you can’t tell him that because if you do, he will not let you go. It’s not in him to leave the drowning sailor behind. 

So you shake your head firmly. "I'm doing this to protect him. You want to kill him. I won’t let you." 

You have to be cruel. That's what you agreed on with them. You have to make him hate you.

"Am I a fucking joke to you?" And it seems to be working, the hope in his eye getting consumed by rage and betrayal. "You're choosing him over me? He’s deranged. He murdered his own family for fuck’s sake." 

“They deserved it!” You shout back, meaning it. “They treated him and the rest of the family like shit. They planned to sell Wonyoung off. They were horrible human beings.” 

“He still shouldn’t have killed them. They were his family. He should have–”

“What? He should’ve sat by like you did with your own father?” Maybe it was too low a blow, but you hated Beomgyu’s father for the way he treated you during your final months in the palace. He always made sure to remind you that you’re a whore despite Beomgyu’s constant reassurance–because of Beomgyu’s reassurances. He never wanted you to mistake it. You’d never be good enough for his son–the son he doesn’t even think is good enough for him, just that he was a valuable bargaining chip and he wasn’t going to lose it over a whore like you. 

“You think the little inconveniences he had with his father could even be compared to what my father did to me?” 

Little inconveniences? You and Beomgyu’s entire sense of self-worth is a little inconvenience to Taehyun? 

“And yet he was brave enough to take matters into his own hands and try to make the world better for his family and for everyone else.” 

“By killing some of them and threatening our family? By raping you?” He denounces disgustedly, “You have to be sick in the head to go back to him after what he did.” 

You look away at the reminder that you didn’t need, that you’re always actively trying to forget.  

Our family. Taehyun is your family and you’re abandoning him because of what he thinks is you choosing Beomgyu over him. It’s a horrid thought, especially after all that happened because of you, and you can’t blame him for losing it. It still shakes you to the core though, maybe because you know it’s true. You are sick because after everything, after what Beomgyu did to you, after Taehyun opened up to you… you still want Beomgyu. 

You stay quiet. You have nothing to say to that. 

It doesn’t matter. Taehyun has made up his own mind too. “I won’t let you leave.” He declares steadfastly, “You’re my wife. Take that however you want, but I can’t let you go now. I can’t and I won’t.” 

“I can’t give you the love you want, Taehyun. I can’t heal you when I’m sick myself.” You tell him in a small voice. “I want to be loved too and you will never be able to give me that.” 

“I am trying.” He says slowly, painfully. 

“Maybe that’s not good enough.” You mumble and he shakes his head in denial. "Good enough? If good enough is what he gave you then no, I never will be because it is sick. It's sick and selfish and obsessive." 

"Maybe but it's all I know." You confess sadly, "It's all I want." 

"If selfish is what you want then I can be that." He proclaims, “I won't let you leave. I gave you the chance to go and you chose to stay.”

“I didn’t know what I was choosing.” You tell him honestly. You really didn’t. You’re such a stupid, stupid girl. 

“You’re my wife now. If you leave and go to him… you’d be committing adultery.” He informs you somberly, and in that moment he is the fearful lord Taehyun again. 

You let out a laugh. “So what? You’ll imprison me? Kill me?” 

But he doesn’t find it funny. Neither do you. "I don't want to but I won't let you make a fool out of me."

"I thought you didn't care what people thought." 

"I'm still a man and you're my wife. What kind of impotent leader would I be if I let another man take my woman and bed her as he likes?" 

Your cheeks flame at that, and he notices, his one black eye seeing right through you. 

“You’d let him, wouldn’t you? Even though you’re my wife.” He denounces, pain and disgust apparent in his voice. "Did he even take you against your will at all?" 

"You know he did." You grit, tensing at the accusation. 

"Then maybe you liked it." He accuses coldly and you gasp. 

Maybe you haven’t been completely transparent with him about the nature of your relationship with Beomgyu prior to his wedding night, but for him to imply that you liked what happened to you just breaks you. You never thought Taehyun of all people would accuse you of that. He’s the only one who stood by you regarding this all this time. He never once doubted you about this before. So to have the only person who believed you now express his doubt is crushing. 

But Taehyun is seeing black at the moment, and he’s not backing down. You’ve finally done it. You’ve broken him and he will take you down with him. 

He advances on you and you walk backwards, scared of the dark look he regards you with. "Why else would you be running back to him? I'm offering you power and dignity and yet you'd rather turn me away and run to his bed. Maybe you do like being his slut."

Your hand goes up to slap him and he raises his own hand to stop you, but because of his lack of coordination, he miscalculates and you’re able to strike him across the face. Enraged, he grabs you and slams you against the wall, snuffing the breath out of your lungs. 

You look at him with fear in your eyes. You’ve accidentally hit him where it hurts. Still, you try to remain steady. "Taehyun, I know you're hurt but you can’t say these things to me."

"Don't patronize me. It was my fucking mistake for giving you too much leeway that you now think you can do this, but I won't keep making exceptions for you." He says darkly, eyes alight with fury. "You either choose to be my wife or be prosecuted for being his slut."

You shake in his hands. You don’t want to go on with the plan anymore. You can't stand seeing the hate in his eyes. You can't bear to see him treat you like a slut too. 

“I c–can’t stay, Taehyun. I have to… I can’t–” You blubber weakly, pathetically, and it takes Taehyun a moment to register your words. 

“Fuck, are you doing this to stop the war? I told you I can take him down. Just fucking tell me the truth. Do you want to leave because you want him or because you want to protect everyone?” He interrogates you, wild eyes searching for the truth. 

You try to respond but your tears blur your vision and you don’t know if you should confess the truth and risk him not letting you go or remain silent and have him think the worst of you. 

"Fuck, angel. Stop playing with me.” He curses, shaking you weakly. “Tell me which is the truth? Are you only saying this now because you’re scared of me… or were you lying this whole time, damn it! Tell… me what is–”

The break in his voice is subtle at first, just a note of hesitation, but then the words turn unsure and slow, as if he is struggling to bring them to mind, to mouth them, and then he stops completely, abruptly, leaning heavily on you as his body weakens, and giving you a confused look. But there is also a glistening of fear in his eyes. He doesn’t understand what’s happening, and it scares him. 

“What’s happening to me?” He groggily seeks the answer from you and you try to get yourself together for him. You have to be strong now. 

“It’s okay, Taehyun.” You murmur to him, trying to support his weight. “Let’s get you to bed.”

But that just scares him more, and he fights you. “Why are you–” Realization hits him in the middle of his sentence and he grabs onto you harder, eyes fighting to not let the sleep overtake them. 

"What have you done?"  

"It’s okay, Taehyun." You repeat, trying to calm him down but the guilt is ripping you apart. “Everything is going to be okay.” 

"You can't do this!" He tries to shout, feeling angry and betrayed, but his voice is quiet and slurred now. You can feel him fighting to stay awake in the way he’s clutching onto you. 

"Just relax." You whisper, trying not to cry again, but Taehyun refuses to give in. He opens his mouth to call for the guards, but he only manages to call out once before you clamp a hand over his mouth. Normally, he would’ve easily fought you off but with how quickly the sleeping potion is kicking in, you manage to keep your hand covering his mouth. 

"I'm sorry." You whisper, wincing at the way his eyes are glaring at you. “I’ve made my choice. I love you, but please don’t come after me.”

He tries to shake his head but his movements are groggy and his eyes are fluttering shut. 

“I’m sorry.” You say one last time before his eyes completely close and his body loses tone, slumping to the floor and taking you down with him. 

Once he’s out, you let your sobs explode as you look at the way his face is still twisted despite the sedative you’ve given him. His brows are a little furrowed and there is a small grimace on his face as if he’s dreaming up something unpleasant. You wonder if he’s still fighting you in his dreams. 

So in an effort to make him more comfortable, you try to pull him up to the bed. It takes a great deal of effort on your part but you eventually manage to get him on top of it, pulling the covers over him and resting his head comfortably on the pillow. 

Yet his body still jerks and his lips move as if he’s arguing with someone in his sleep. 

“I’m sorry, darling.” You sob, not knowing what to do, yet feeling like you should be doing something to make this a little easier on him. “Just let me go.” 

You run your thumb over the furrowed skin between his eyebrows, smoothening it, and your touch seems to calm him a bit. So you pull up the covers and scoot under them, molding your body to his and laying there with him to soothe him, and to savor your last moments together. 

To the outside world, this might look like any other night, with you pressed up against the warm, solid body of your husband, his arms encompassing you as his breathing flows in and out, comforting. But it’s not any other night. It’s the last night. You won’t be allowed to see him again, to touch him, to love him. You don’t know what Beomgyu has in store for you, but you’re sure you’ll never be allowed to lay eyes on Taehyun again. With that harrowing thought in mind, you press yourself even closer to him, nuzzling your face into his chest and crying your grief out. 

“I love you.” You sob straight against his heart, your lips feeling the beat of it through his chest. You wonder if he could’ve learned to love you had he been allowed to or if he never would have. If you would’ve been doomed to love a man who kept trying but could never give you what you really want–the both of you living an incomplete life, struggling to fit a mold of what the other needs and never achieving it. 

This is a mercy, for the both of you. 

_______________________________________

When Kai comes around later as planned, he finds you still wrapped around Taehyun’s unconscious form.

You catch a glimpse of pity in his eyes when he sees how miserable you are, but it quickly disappears when you inform him that you may have botched the plan. 

“Can you just tell him that I didn’t mean it?” You try to appeal to the infuriated Kai. “That I just don’t want anyone to get hurt?” 

“No one to get hurt?” Kai repeats haughtily, “Yeah, no one besides my brother and the army of men he will lead to their death to try and get you back. We fucking agreed on the plan for a reason. He has to think that you left him because you chose Beomgyu. He has to hate you so he won't come after you.” 

“I know but it might not work. He got very angry and threatened to punish me for adultery. I think he will come after me anyway. He’s not backing down. He really wants to kill Beomgyu.” You stare at Kai unblinkingly so you wouldn’t see the betrayal on Taehyun’s face that was now imprinted on the back of your eyelids.  

"He was just shocked. Once you get back to Beomgyu, the other lords will push for him to let you go and he will have to listen to them. He can’t fucking fight Beomgyu all on his own.” 

“But–” You try again. 

“You just can’t stop being selfish, can you?” Kai spits angrily. “You can’t handle him knowing the truth, that the only reason you’re going back is so you can save your lover. All this time, you were hesitant to go back even though thousands of people’s lives were on the line. It’s only when Taehyun told you that he plans to kill Beomgyu that you suddenly changed your mind. Taehyun deserves to know this. He deserves to be protected from you.”  

You flinch at the accusation, and you try not to think about it for long. You’re afraid it might be true. 

"I never meant to hurt him." You cry despondently. 

"But you did, and he lets you. That’s why I have to be the one to step in and protect him again."

"Again?" You ask, confused. When has Kai ever protected Taehyun? It was always the other way around.

Kai can clearly see the question in your eyes and he huffs out a laugh. "Everyone thinks that only Taehyun has been protecting me all this time, but I have secretly been doing the same… our father didn't just drop dead. Someone had to nudge him along." 

“You… killed him?” You ask, incredulous, and he nods proudly. “But how? If he was killed, then how come no one suspected it?” 

"They did, but poison isn't always detectable if you don't know what you're looking for." He explains with a conspiratorial tone. "My father may have been feared but he wasn't well liked. He was cruel to everyone, not just us, and so no one cared much to investigate his death. Good riddance, they must’ve thought, and they brushed it aside and focused on the new lord, trying to get on Taehyun's good side. At least for a while. I suppose that's where the rumors about Taehyun killing father came from. They just got the wrong son." 

"Does Taehyun know?" You breathe out in shock. 

"I don't know.” Kai shrugs, “Maybe on some level. But for all his morals, he can be blind when he wants to be. He doesn’t want to see the signs that I'm the one who poisoned father, just like he refuses to see that you weren't exactly the unwilling participant in Beomgyu’s deal like you want us to believe." 

You flinch at his words that parroted his older brother’s. Was Kai whispering in Taehyun’s ears? Is that why he said what he said to you earlier? Did Kai find out about you and Beomgyu’s agreement and then told Taehyun about it? 

“Beomgyu isolated me from everyone outside the palace. He stopped other men from approaching me. I never would have–” You try to defend yourself but Kai wasn’t interested in hearing it. 

“But none of that meant that you had to give your body to him.” He says and your mouth slams shut in shame. “You can do what you want with your body. It doesn’t matter to me, but do you think it wouldn’t matter to Taehyun? To know that you sold your body to Beomgyu so he would give you those dresses and jewels you like so much?” 

You look away, tears stinging your eyes. He’s right. You didn’t have to do it, but you were so lonely and Beomgyu was the man you loved. You wanted to be with him and you didn’t think anyone else would want you after all these years. And yeah, maybe it was nice having pretty things to own when you were so miserable. But you don’t say that to Kai. It wouldn’t make a difference anyway. 

He lets out a sigh, and you think you can hear an undertone of regret in it. “Look, I don’t dislike you, believe it or not. In fact, I used to like you a lot. I never faked that, and we would’ve been amazing friends if none of this happened, but I have to protect my family and you’re not exactly guiltless in all of this. So I need you to leave here and never come back.” 

Your shoulders slump heavily as the final door closes in your face. You have to accept your fate now. "Understood." 

_________________________

Kai helps maneuver you around the castle without Taehyun’s guards noticing, with the help of his own men. You covertly reach a nondescript wagon in one of the stables that would smuggle you and Wonyoung outside of the castle walls, abandoning Wonyoung’s own royal carriage in favor of discreteness, and so that it would be so much harder for Taehyun to track you down once he awakens. 

As you approach the wagon, you see a dressed down Wonyoung. She’s wearing peasant clothes that appear to be dirty. Her hair and most of her face is covered by a coif but you can see that she’s not wearing any makeup or jewelry. This is the most unkempt you’ve ever seen her but you can still see that she’s stunning when you get up close. Luckily though, from far away, she looks like a normal peasant girl. 

“Did you burn the letters?” She asks you as soon as you’re within hearing range, referring to the letters Beomgyu had sent you before your marriage. The letters could be incriminating if they fall into the wrong hands and so she advised you to burn them so they wouldn’t pose an issue for Beomgyu later on. 

You nod at her, and she smiles in relief, then gestures towards the stable. “Your clothes are inside. There is a servant there too who will help disguise you. I’ll be waiting out here for you.” 

You nod again, not trusting yourself to speak, and walk towards the stables, leaving Wonyoung and Kai behind. 

Inside is the servant girl, just like Wonyoung said she would be, and she helps you take off your robe and nightgown. You’re suddenly acutely away of Taehyun’s dried cum still on your thighs. You know she probably can’t see it but it’s an uncomfortable reminder of your betrayal to him.

So when she pulls out the dress you’re supposed to wear, you quickly grab it from her and slip it on, hiding your shame. She pauses for a moment, confused at your strange action, but she quickly snaps out of it and ties up the bodice of the shabby dress. When she’s done, she puts your hair up in a messy updo and puts your shoes on before sending you on your way.   

Walking back to Wonyoung, you see her and Kai engaged in a deep discussion, and as you approach she glances at you, prompting Kai to turn around too before he looks back to Wonyoung and, to your surprise, puts his hands on her shoulders. 

“Be safe.” You can hear him say, and Wonyoung grabs his hands and squeezes them, giving him a small smile before she takes them off of her shoulders. “You too.” 

They both pause for a second, a strange silence between them, before Wonyoung steps away and points you to the wagon. “Let’s go.” 

She gets on it and you follow suit. Kai’s gaze lingers on her for a few seconds longer before he gives the signal for the rider to start moving, and just like that you’re on your way back to Beomgyu, no battle, no blood, no warships, just a simple wagon under the cover of the night. 

You don’t dare speak a word or make a sound until you’ve made it outside the castle. Only then, only when you see the castle you fought so hard to run to, to earn the right to live alongside its lord–the lord who is currently knocked out following a betrayal by his wife and brother–growing smaller and smaller by the minute, do you finally speak up. 

“What was that back there?” You ask Wonyoung, and she feigns innocence. "What was what?" 

You roll your eyes. "You and Kai." 

You can see her blush even behind her coif. "Nothing." 

"You know this can't lead to any–"

"It's nothing.” She repeats firmly. “He and I just found common ground in our desire to prevent our dumb older brothers from going to war with each other."

It didn’t look like just that. You want to say but you keep your mouth shut. It's not your place to comment about someone else's doomed romance. You're currently living the cataclysmic downfall of yours. 

It’s going to be a long, rough road back to the capital, and you’re not about to alienate your only companion.

_________________

It's been a year since you last saw him and you missed him dreadfully. You’ve never been separated from him before, let alone for this long, and as he stands a few feet in front of you, your breathing gets ragged at just the sight of him.  

He looks lifeless–his body buffer strangely, but a grim look haunts his face. There are dark circles murking his usually pure beauty and the lines of his frown seem to have been carved there by time itself. He even chopped off his long locks that you’ve always loved and that made him look so princely. 

In contrast to how gloomy he looked, his clothes were intricately made, a bright white and baby blue. The stark difference is unsettling but he still looks like an angel, albeit a corrupted one. 

You, on the other hand, must look horrible, the long journey evident on you, making your already shabby attire look more haggard and filthy. It’s not what you imagined or hoped you’d look like when you met again. It absolutely shames you to stand looking like this in front of the ethereal prince. You wish he would’ve waited a bit, let you wash off and dress in something presentable before he came to see you– the irrational fear of him being disgusted by how you look and turning away from you makes your stomach churn. 

But you momentarily forget it when your eyes meet his for a second, your heart collapsing in on itself by the weight of all the emotions you've been repressing. Seeing him in front of you brings everything back and you can’t believe you even made it this long without him. He's like a drug you've been off for so long but now that you've gotten a whiff of it, you're shaking with the craving to overdose on him.

But you can’t. You need to hold back. He did a very bad thing and you can’t let him think that he's getting away with it. 

He'll come to you. He’s done all of this for you. In a second, he’ll be running towards you to take you into his arms and unite your souls once more. Finally, you’ll feel complete again. 

But he stays in place, not making a single move towards you, not even looking you in the eyes once. In fact, it’s Wonyoung who runs up to him to embrace him. He embraces her back–giving her a hug that should’ve been for you. 

They exchange words of greeting and queries about the other’s well being, voices bathed in relief at being reunited again–a moment that should’ve been yours. Why are you not in his arms yet? Why isn’t he fawning over you? You’ve been apart from him for a year! He’s sent you letters of despair and heartbreak. You had worried he’d hurt himself over missing you. And yet there he stands, engrossed in talking to his sister as if it’s any other day of the year. Were you the only one missing him? Was getting you back all just a power play on his part? Or did you really look so disgusting that he couldn’t bear to look at you? 

Suddenly, you want to run into the bathroom and not come out until you resemble your previous self again, and the longer you have to stand here looking like this, the closer you come to crying. 

But finally, he says something that takes you out of your stormy thoughts. "Wonnie, leave us."

And here he is. He's walking towards you and you can’t help the cloying look in your eyes despite your insecurity at how you currently look. You pretend to not be itching to melt into his embrace. You pretend like you feel any sort of shame at this moment. 

But he doesn’t embrace you. No, he grabs you and starts silently undoing the laces on your bodice, making your heart sink. Is he going to forcefully take you again? He won’t even attempt to sweet talk you before he does this? 

You stand there frozen with dread, but there is nothing you can do but let him take what he wants. You can’t afford to upset him now that you’re in his clutches. He has already won and there is nothing left to do but try to get him to not hurt Taehyun. You’re not going to fight him off anymore, no matter how his actions hack at your heart and force bile up your throat. 

As he pushes the dress off your shoulders, his fingers graze your skin. It's the most contact you've had with him so far and just that is enough to make you shiver. You hope he wouldn't notice but it's hard to miss the goosebumps erupting on your skin. 

When the dress falls to the floor, it makes a clanging sound that gives Beomgyu pause. With dismay, you realize you had forgotten the dagger in your pocket, and you start silently freaking out as you watch him bend down to pick up the dress and search it for the source of the sound. 

When he finds the dagger, he holds it up, analyzing it. "What the fuck is this?" 

You know he’s really asking why you have this. You don’t want to tell him that it’s a gift from Taehyun but you’re sure he can already tell by the engravings on it. So you just try to deflect. 

"It's mine." You try to take it from him but he quickly pulls it behind him. 

“Why do you have this?” He asks directly, and you chew on your lip. "It's a gift." 

"From him." He asserts. It's a statement, not a question. "Were you planning to stab me with it?" 

"No!" You gasp, horrified that he’d actually think you could hurt him. "How could you even think that? This is just for my own protection." 

"From what? You think I can’t protect you?" He asks indignantly. What comes out of your mouth next is a reflex, borne out of defensiveness, but it’s probably the worst thing you could’ve said at this moment.

"You didn't before." You mutter, referring to the beach incident, and his face immediately hardens. 

“Well, not anymore. No one will ever put a hand on you again.” He vows solemnly as he puts the dagger on his belt. You don’t know if that is a promise or a threat, but it doesn’t matter. You’re not planning to leave again anyway. There is no point. He has won. 

You just want your dagger back. It’s the only piece of Taehyun you’re ever going to have. More than that, it represents a part of you that was only allowed to exist for a brief period of time–a you that could maybe be more than just Beomgyu’s whore, and even that he wants to take from you. 

"Please, Beomgyu.” You plead, exposed in a way that was more than just your nakedness. “I'll be good. Just let me keep it." 

He shakes his head harshly. "You could hurt yourself with it. You could hurt someone." 

"I'm not a child.” You can’t help but bristle at the condescending comment. It’s just like Beomgyu to treat you like you’re incompetent. “I know how to use it." 

“I said no. You have no right to demand things from me anymore. You lost that right when you left me.” The sharpness of his voice reminds you of your precarious situation. You’re in no position to oppose him, and so you do the only thing you can at this point, shut down. 

You draw into yourself, and he seems to hesitate at that. You’re not looking at him but you know him–you can feel the uncertainty radiating off him. It’s the same uncertainty he treated you with after he took your virginity from you. 

“I’ll give you another one. I’ll make you one from pure gold and stud it with diamonds if you want.” He bargains. You know he hates taking things from you. He thrives on providing you with everything you could ever ask for, and taking something from you, something that you value, unsettles him. That’s why he always follows it up with an alternative. He tries to drown you in replacements, but just like your virginity, this isn’t something he can just replace. 

You put your arms around yourself. With the dagger in his possession, you feel completely helpless. 

You sense that he wants to say more but instead he just presses his lips together tightly and grabs your arms, removing them from your body. 

Is he still going to do this? Even after he took the dagger from you? 

Did he even take you against your will at all? 

You did this to yourself. You deserve this. You’re nothing but a whore.  

"What happened? What’s wrong?" Beomgyu calls out to you, and you realize you’re trembling.  

“Just do it.” You can’t look at him. You just shake your head and sniffle. “Just take me.” 

"No. No, fuck.” His voice comes alive with shock, followed by regret. “I just want to make sure you’re not hurt."

You look up at him in confusion. "Why would I be hurt?" 

He scoffs. "You spent a year away from me, with a monster like him." 

“Taehyun would never hurt me.” You answer readily, despite his recent threats, not realizing what you’d said until Beomgyu’s eyes flash up to yours with a dangerous glint. 

“Do not speak his name in my presence.” He warns, “No, do not even think his name to yourself.” 

“Okay.” You give in right away, trying to placate him. “Just don’t hurt him.” 

But that angers him even more. 

"Do you love him?" He accuses, finally maintaining eye contact with you for the first time since you came back, and this time you’re the one who looks away. But he doesn’t let you escape. He grabs your face roughly and turns it towards him. "Do you love him?"

You keep quiet, a strong sense of deja vu hitting you at this moment, but unlike Taehyun’s attempt to contain his reaction, Beomgyu is as forthcoming as ever, the hurt and anger clear as day on his face.

When you stay silent, he asks again, “Then how can you expect me to not hurt him?”

"You have me now. I'm yours. You can do whatever you want to me.” You implore, hands moving up his body as you attempt to convince him that there is no reason for him to hurt Taehyun anymore. “I won't reject you anymore. Just don’t hurt him."

You try to kiss him, hoping to take the edge off, knowing that he must be aching for it and would therefore get distracted from his current fury, but to your shock, he grabs your upper arms and keeps you at bay. 

“No.” He shoots you down. 

Silently, he goes about inspecting your body closely, scrutinizing every part of you, looking for the smallest sign of injury. It takes him some time, and he doesn’t leave any part of you unexamined, but eventually he steps back and lets out a sigh, satisfied that you’re unharmed. 

You try to wrap your arms around him then, your body aching to get close to him. He hasn’t made one attempt to hold you or embrace or kiss you ever since you got here, and that just makes you feel more anxious by the minute. There is something wrong. This isn’t the Beomgyu you remember. You know he’s angry at you, but no matter how angry he got before, he was never able to keep away from you so you don’t understand what is happening right now. Isn’t this what he wanted? To have you be his? You’re throwing yourself at him so why won’t he take you?  Does he not crave you anymore? Does he not love you?

Impossible. You would have felt it, right? He can’t just rip himself free from you without you noticing, right? You would have felt it in your soul. 

Yet here he is again, pushing you off him, the icy rejection stabbing you right in the heart.

“Let's take you to bathe." He announces coolly.

You don't know what's worse, the idea of him forcing himself on you again or him not wanting you anymore. You know they shouldn't be comparable. A normal person would look at you in disgust for even asking that question but you can’t help yourself. You've been starved for the love and affection that only he can give you for too long, the year you spent with Taehyun only serving to highlight to you how inextricable you are from Beomgyu. You’re addicted to him, addicted to him needing you. 

Before, you could afford acting all haughty, pulling back and punishing him for how much he hurt you, when he was all over you, beside himself with guilt and fear and the need to prove himself to you, but now that he's acting like he doesn't care anymore, your heart is gripped with icy panic. You want to throw yourself at him, shout and cry and ask him to explain what the hell is going on, demand that he snaps out of it, demand that he take you in his arms and kiss you and apologize until this horrible, unthinkable fear goes away–the fear that he no longer loves you.

You need to calm down. You can’t start catastrophizing things already. Maybe he just wants to wash Taehyun off of you, to bathe you and dress you up until he feels like you’re his princess again. Fine, you’ll let him do it. Then you’ll kiss him and he’ll melt and you’ll get him to stop hurting Taehyun. 

But another shock soon greets you when he doesn't try to bathe you himself like he did before. Instead, he sits on a stool in the bathroom and watches as the maids wash you off–scrubbing your skin harshly as if to get rid of the entire layer of your skin that houses the smells and stains of Taehyun and his castle. Only once your whole body is red and sore, do they pat you dry and lather your tender skin in perfumed oils, taking you back to the adjoining bedroom to dress you and do your hair and make up.

All the while Beomgyu watches you. You feel your skin blister under his gaze that focuses on the invisible marks from Taehyun on your skin. But he doesn’t say anything. 

Once you’re all made up and looking pretty again, looking like you more or less never left, you stand up to face him, anticipating him finally rushing to embrace you, to give you the affection you’ve been deprived of for so long. 

But he keeps away, the distance between you threatening to rip your universe apart. What is happening? Why is he doing this? 

____________________________

Like a ghostly presence of a dead lover, you accompany Beomgyu on his activities throughout the rest of the day upon his order. He acts vaguely aware of you but rarely addresses directly or looks your way, and as the day progresses, you feel less and less concrete, like you might just cease to exist from the world as your lover forgets you. 

You're not right back where you started. You're less than a whore to him now. 

Your first stop is the dining hall where you find the queen mother, Wonyoung and her ladies in waiting, and some of the lords from the royal council. 

“My condolences, my queen.” You bow deeply as you address Beomgyu’s mother, and she gives you a gracious smile. “Thank you, my dear. Things have been rather difficult on the children and I lately, what with the terrible tragedy and the subsequent whirlwind of grief and change we’ve been thrust into suddenly, so it’s nice to have a familiar face and an old friend of the family back. I hope you being here makes things a bit easier on Gyu and Wonnie.” 

She speaks to you like you’re actually welcomed and missed, like you matter to the well-being of the royal family. It’s such a strange thing. She’s never been unkind to you, but the way she’s treating you–it’s as if you were her son’s wife. 

Speaking of which, notably absent from the dining table is Ryujin, Beomgyu’s actual wife, but you know better than to ask about her in front of the servants and the other nobles in attendance. So you just quietly take your seat beside Wonyoung when prompted, and enjoy the food–the rich and sublime flavor of it hitting your taste buds with the euphoria of a man who had sworn off sweets getting his first bite of a cake in a long time. 

You eat until you’re full, and then you eat some more. You should probably feel ashamed about it–it’s not refined to eat so much and you can tell from the amused looks of Wonyoung, and the judgemental looks of the other ladies in waiting that other people have noticed it too. But you can’t find it in you to care when the food tastes so divine, and you’re gone without it for so long. 

After finishing breakfast, you join Beomgyu and his family in court where he now resides as the king. You stand on the sidelines while he, Wonyoung and their mother take their seats at the head of the room. But you’re not standing alone; you’re surrounded by the other ladies and flanked by guards that follow your every move now, presumably to prevent you from leaving the palace again either voluntarily or involuntarily. 

Unlike Taehyun, Beomgyu doesn’t deal much with the serious criminal cases such as murder, deferring them instead to the appropriate judges–a fact that spares him the backlash from the common people for dispensing the sentences himself, and puts him in the good graces of the lawmen for stepping aside and not infringing on their jobs. He mainly handles disputes and petitions that have reached a stalemate and his approach to them is very political. Instead of signaling out someone to be right or wrong, he tries to use his resources to figure out a solution that would leave both sides happy. Of course, he has to serve the occasional punishment or two, but he tries to sow the peace as much as possible, especially that these cases don’t usually involve an actual crime. 

It’s good political sense and needless to say, he is a lot more popular with the people and the nobles than Taehyun is.

He is also very charming in his mannerisms and speech, making the common people swoon over him who then, in turn, would return to their houses and their communities and sing praises of the kind king Beomgyu who helped them so. 

He seems to be doing better than you thought he would. Looking up at him on the throne, flanked by his mother and sister–you can’t help but feel both pride and inadequacy.  They look perfect, complete. He doesn’t need you anymore. 

You want to cry. You ruined it. You forced the only man who loved you to get over you. You want to leave. You want him to plunge the sword that lay at his hip into your heart and end you, for that is more merciful than what he’s doing. He’s slowly killing you right now. He moved on and left you behind. The only reason he has you here is so he can take revenge on you and Taehyun, punish you for abandoning him and punish Taehyun for taking what belonged to him. 

But maybe If you had paid a little more attention to him, if you weren’t so caught up in your own catastrophizing, you would’ve noticed how his smiles weren’t genuine–they weren’t your smiles–how distracted he was, how his eyes that were slightly swollen and red kept flickering towards you throughout the whole session.

________________________ 

When the last case is wrapped up, you and Wonyoung follow Beomgyu to the ranges to watch him train. 

He practices archery first. He was always good at it, but he seems to have gotten even better in your absence. And the way he throws a glance at you every time before he lines up his arrow before launching it seems meaningful to you. You have no doubt that he’s imagining it’s Taehyun he’s shooting at instead of the straw doll in the distance. The determination and rage you see in his eyes make you shiver every time. 

But as the archery practice draws to a close, you’re taken off guard when he walks towards you and hands you his bow. 

You look at him in confusion, not reaching out to take it from him, and so he explains irritably, “I heard you’ve become quite the archer, my lady.” 

My lady? He might’ve as well have stood you downrange and shot his arrows at you. Since when did he call you that? What happened to your name? What happened to baby? What happened to princess? You hated hearing him call you that because it always felt satirical, even if he didn't mean it that way, but right now you'd give anything to hear him call you the affectionate pet name again. 

But you’re stubborn and petty, and you cover up your pain with a frown. “I don’t use a longbow. It’s too big and hard for me to yield as a woman, a fact someone like you should’ve known.” You sneer, “Taehyun trained me to use a crossbow.”

The insinuation and the mention of Taehyun’s name make his face twist in resentment and he quickly turns around and barks at one of the nearby staff to bring out a crossbow. The person jumps into action right away and scurries to get the king what he wants, probably freaked out by the unwarranted aggression in his voice. 

When the man comes back with the crossbow, Beomgyu tears it out of his hands and thrusts it towards you. “Show me what he taught you.” 

You take the crossbow and walk to your spot with your head held high. You won’t let him intimidate you. You’re confident in the skills that Taehyun has taught you and that you worked so hard on. You’ll show him for all the time he made you feel inept. 

Cocking your weapon, you take aim, concentrating on your target before launching the arrow that hits it straight on. You launch several more arrows after, all hitting the target, to the surprise of the royal siblings. 

“How wonderful!” Wonyoung gasps and claps excitedly for you. “Did you see that, Beomgyu? She’s so good, isn’t she?”

He gives her a noncommittal grunt but she continues on, seemingly unaware of his annoyance. “I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you two take turns shooting and we’ll see who is better. I bet she can beat you.” 

Nevermind. By the smirk on her face, it seems like she’s perfectly aware of her brother’s distaste and she’s consciously teasing him. 

“There is no time for that. I need to head to my sparring lessons.” Beomgyu replies gruffly, turning around without another word and walking off. 

You scoff at his small tantrum. Is he really so stubborn that he can’t even be happy for you for accomplishing something he didn’t think you could? You’ve always been interested in archery and he has always discouraged you from it, saying that it’s not suitable for a lady. But now you’ve learned it and are actually good at it and he won’t acknowledge it, why? Because you proved him wrong? Or because Taehyun was the one who taught you? 

“He’ll come around.” Wonyoung rolls her eyes, sensing your discontent. 

You want to appear nonchalant–like you don’t care, just like him, but you do. His callous treatment of you is unprecedented and it’s not something you can bear. “Why is he acting this way, Wonnie? Isn’t he happy that I’m back?” 

Doesn’t he love me anymore? 

“Oh, sweetling. He’s just—” 

“Wonyoung!” You hear Beomgyu shouting and you look in his direction to see him impatiently waving the both of you to follow him already. 

She sighs and gets up. “Come on, let’s not make him wait.”

____________________________

Beomgyu has never taken to sparring. He didn’t like the bruising and wounds that come with it, which is part of the reason his father always deemed him to be too soft. So seeing him now, throwing himself into it and viciously attacking his opponent, you almost don’t recognize him. Is this really the same Beomgyu who would pout at you when he got a cut and whine until you patched him up and kissed it better?

His opponent is just as fierce, and he gives Beomgyu back as much as he takes, which leads to many painful hits being landed on your prince. 

No, he’s not the prince anymore. And he’s not yours. 

Your sweaty fists clench at your dress as you watch the grueling fight, trying to stop yourself from launching out of your seat and rushing to protect Beomgyu every time he gets hit, and by the time the training session is over, you’re left feeling quite faint. 

Luckily, lunch is next on the schedule, and you regain a bit of your strength from the food. But you can’t taste the deliciousness of it much nor can you eat as much of it as before because your stomach still feels queasy from watching Beomgyu get pummeled as an exercise. 

After lunch, you separate from Beomgyu for the first time today–other than him leaving you to take a bath earlier while you and Wonyoung sipped on some tea in the garden before the meal–as Beomgyu heads to his private council meeting that you’re not allowed to attend, and so you have to accompany Wonyoung on her own schedule. 

You both want and detest this. You can’t wait to get away from Beomgyu because it hurts your soul to watch its other half sever itself off in the brutal way he’s doing, but you also don’t want to be away from him, the growing chasm between you compelling you to fall at his feet and beg him to make you whole again and displace the anguish that now resides in the empty space in your chest. 

But it’s not up to you anyway, and Beomgyu entrusts your care and watch to his sister, who takes you to her medical training. Apparently, following her father’s death and Beomgyu taking on the leadership, not only were some peasants allowed to train to become physicians, but some noble women were allowed to as well. 

As you walk to class, she chats to you about how she had decided to study medicine after her brother got attacked and she came to observe his treatment. She goes on to describe her training to you but you don’t listen after that. You just imagine Beomgyu in bed injured, with you none the wiser. Even if his wounds were due to his own schemes, you should’ve been there by his side. Instead, you were off, married to another man, leaving Beomgyu behind until he learned to heal from you. 

You were so distracted with your thoughts that you didn’t really watch where you’re going and you end up bumping into an unfamiliar man who is wearing the apprentice physician attire, just like Wonyoung. 

“I’m sorry, my lord. I was a bit distracted, forgive me.” You bow apologetically, but the man waves his hand in front of you, floundering, and bows himself. "Oh, I'm no lord, my lady. Please, don’t.” 

You stand up straight and give him a confused look, eyeing his clothes again, which he notices, and goes on to explain, “King Beomgyu has so graciously allowed common folk such as I am to be trained in the science of healing."

You don’t know why you didn’t connect the dots earlier, but it’s probably because of how surreal all of this is. Taehyun had already told you about the changes Beomgyu has made, but to actually come across it in real life is shocking. 

“It’s unheard of, I know, but that’s just our kind king.” The man says effortlessly, like he believes every word of it and you look at Wonyoung in amazement. She smiles at you and nods, taking you with her as she gathers her materials, and talks to you quietly, “Beomgyu has changed a lot of things around here. He is really ushering on a new age for our beloved kingdom.” She leans in to whisper the last part to you, “And a lot of it is for you.” 

“Me?” 

“Beomgyu wants to make it so people aren’t restricted by what they’re born into. He is introducing a new education system that accepts women and individuals of lower birth and teaches them the skills that would allow them to rise up in the ranks and take on elite posts.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard about that but why is he doing this?” What does he actually stand to gain from it?  

“He hopes that in the future there would be no rigid restrictions between men and women, first borns and second borns, nobles and lower classes, so that everyone could receive the same opportunities to prove themselves and potentially work their way up to the top. It’s a grand dream and it's on a very small scale right now. You can’t expect to introduce a radical hierarchy shift all at once or there will be chaos, and his vision probably won’t be fully realized during our lifetime.” She explains with a smile, but you still don’t get it. 

“That’s a wonderful dream, but what does that have to do with me?” 

“If people aren’t forced to abide by the constraints of the roles they are born into, they could be free to do whatever they want, pursue what they want, and be with whoever they want…”

Oh. 

Beomgyu doesn’t want others to suffer the same fate you and him have suffered. That’s… generous of him.  He always manages to amaze you with his kindness. You had seen his charitable nature in action back when he took you out into the city streets before but you thought that was the extent of it. You never imagined that he’d take it this far if given the opportunity. He really is wonderful… and terrible and mad. How could all these qualities exist in the same man? Are only the incredibly kind capable of being incredibly cruel? 

For the rest of the session, you silently observe Wonyoung and the other apprentices as they go through their class, being taught by a wild-haired looking man that seems to be the new chief of medicine. 

It takes you a bit of time to figure out why you recognize him, but eventually you do. He was a very prominent physician back in the day, very well respected and revered as something of a prodigy in the field. But he got onto the bad side of the king and some of the court officials. It was rumored that he was caught slipping some of the palace’s medicine reserves out. The official report stated that he was stealing them to sell them to the common folk later, but Wonyoung had confessed to you in confidence that she thinks he was only taking them to heal those too poor to afford the medication themselves and that’s why he was really stripped of his title and cast out. 

It looks like Beomgyu has restored him and even made him the new chief of medicine. That brings a smile to your face. The man–though he may seem a little off with his intense, piercing gaze and his frequently unkempt clothes, is obviously very passionate about helping people still. 

Wonyoung seems to be happy too. She listens to him attentively, as do the others, just how a student should listen to their mentor–with reverence and respect. 

From what you’re gathering, Beomgyu seems to be collaborating with this chief in order to educate a much larger batch of physicians–most of them nobles but some from quite humble backgrounds– and station them all throughout the city, and in the future the rest of the kingdom, to provide much needed medical care for those who never benefited from it before. 

You can hardly believe that such a thing is actually happening, and it makes you all the more hopeful that Beomgyu doesn’t receive any backlash from this. He is trying to help those who need it the most and he doesn’t deserve to be punished for it.  

Yes, you know Beomgyu’s dealings haven’t been blood free and he most likely doesn’t follow Taehyun’s strict definitions of right and wrong, but which lord or king can claim a clean slate? Even Taehyun’s hands aren’t free of blood. His morals are so black and white that it alienates a lot of people and frequently ends in pain and tragedy. Beomgyu may resort to shady political dealings but he seems to be accomplishing actual change.  If in the end Beomgyu’s ways benefit the kingdom as a whole while Taehyun’s sow resentment and discord, then which of them is really in the right? 

You don’t know but the people around you seem to be happy, and the city seems to be thriving. You can’t help but feel proud of Beomgyu. Now, if only you could’ve been a part of it…

_________________

When all the apprentices are dismissed, only you and Wonyoung stay behind as she’s busy gathering some supplies for a special project she’s working on. She unlocks a medicine cabinet guarded by a heavy lock, and browses its contents. 

“You seem to be much happier now princess.” You comment as you watch her handle some vials, inspecting them before putting them back inside. 

“Of course, I am. I’m free to do whatever I want and to pursue what I am actually interested in instead of just being a valuable piece of property that can be shipped off to the highest bidder.” She expresses freely, her tone in the last part sounding bitter, and you don’t miss her implication. 

“But they were your family–” 

“And I mourn them.” She cuts you off, not turning to face you. “But we have to move forward and make the best of our situation. And we are.” 

“Your mother is too?” You can’t help but ask despite her standoffish response. You just can’t imagine how her mother would be okay with all that has happened.  

She lets out a short laugh. “What about my mother? You think her marriage was any more successful that Beomgyu’s?” She asks sharply and you wince, looking down as you feel called out. “After she fulfilled her purpose of completing her own political marriage and giving my father his heirs, her role was over. The best she could’ve hoped for was to stand on the sidelines and not make any trouble for my father. But now under Beomgyu’s reign, she has more say than ever. He actually listens to her and considers her opinion as a queen in her own right.”

“And Yeonjun?” 

She sighs, slipping the vial she’s holding into her pocket before closing the cabinet and locking it up again. “He was no different than my father. He was practically raised by him anyway. Do you remember seeing him much as a kid?” She asks you and you shake your head. No. In fact, you rarely saw him, and when you did, he was always by his father’s side. “That’s because father forbade him from spending too much time with us or mother. He said it would be a bad influence on him to listen to our womanly wiles. And he practically considered Beomgyu a woman too since he was raised by mother.” 

“I see.” 

“This is for the best, for everyone. For us, for you, for the kingdom.” 

“And where do I fit into all of this?” You ask her, hoping you still have a place here even though Beomgyu’s actions seem to indicate otherwise. 

“Sweetling, you’re the trigger behind it all.” She walks towards you and holds your arms gently, “This may not have happened if not for you. Use it. Claim your own power. Isn���t that what you ran to that wretched murderer for?” 

Use what? What power? Beomgyu won’t even look at you. 

But once again, before you can talk further, Beomgyu’s voice cuts in. 

“Wonnie.” You hear him from behind you and Wonyoung lets you go and turns to him. So do you. “Gyu! How was the meeting?” 

“Boring as usual." He answers nonchalantly, but this time you can see the anxious glances he’s throwing at you. Could he be distressed because you were separated for a few hours? Is he experiencing the same pain you’re experiencing?

Then why doesn't he talk to you? Why doesn't he embrace you? This isn’t Taehyun, it's Beomgyu. He’s not one to hide his feelings from you so his behavior could only mean that there are no feelings to hide.

 "How was your lesson?” 

“Amazing!” She gushes, “We learned how to tell the gender of the baby a woman is carrying through her urine! Well, kind of…” 

You don’t listen to the rest of what she says. After all, you were present for the actual lesson. You just take the chance to stare at Beomgyu, seeing him smile and make little comments here and there as his sister excitedly recounts her lesson to him. 

You’re so focused on him that you notice it first… the little drop of blood falling from his nose. You immediately jump into action, rushing towards him and cupping his face. "You're bleeding!" You fuss over him. "I thought those stopped." 

Beomgyu used to get nose bleeds a lot when you first knew him as a kid but they gradually got better until they virtually stopped in his teens. So this resurgence was particularly concerning for you. Is this the first time this happened or has this been a regular occurrence while you weren’t here?

You try to figure out where the bleeding is coming from but for what must be the tenth time today, Beomgyu casts you away from him. He grabs your wrist and pushes you at a distance from his face. "It's fine. Wonyoung knows what to do." 

You stand there appalled, stricken, ruined as Wonyoung grabs a medicine soaked piece of cotton and plugs his nostril, staunching the bleeding. 

This should've been you. It's your spot beside him. You’re the one who should be taking care of him, but he replaced you just like that.  

"He's been getting them a lot since…" Wonyoung trails off. 

Since you left. Is that why he won’t let you help him? You always used to help him. He always ran to you when he got them. 

You have no role in his life anymore. He doesn't look to you like he used to. He has erased your influence from his life. You’re stupid to think that a prince–now the king, would have any remaining use for you. 

So you try to leave–you’re not needed anymore–turning around and walking towards the door to escape, when you're grabbed by arm and flung back around to face the man who used to be your other half. 

"Where are you going?" 

"I want to go back to my room." You don't know how you're not crying yet. 

"No. You still have to attend dinner." 

"I don't want to eat." You say simply, soullessly. You don’t have the desire to exist anymore. And just to stomp on your heart more, Beomgyu replies, "I don't care. You’re a lady and you have obligations. You're not going to get away with doing whatever the hell you want anymore."

__________________________

You have no appetite, the sick feeling you’ve had ever since he first rejected you has been gradually filling up your stomach until you can taste the bitterness of it in the back of your throat, and you know if you take even one bite, you’re going to throw up. 

Wonyoung notices that you haven’t touched your food and she tries to get you to eat something, but Beomgyu shuts her down harshly. 

“She’ll eat when she’s hungry.”

His response prompts a few whispers between the other ladies. This must be a shock to them too. Beomgyu used to be crazy about you. He used to do everything for you, so for him to be so aloof like this… is startling.

They seem to be happy about it though. Most of them never liked you as they thought of you as beneath them and that the only reason they had to tolerate you was because of Beomgyu. But now that even he treats you like this, they don’t have to pretend to like you anymore. 

You can see them whispering amongst themselves, not saying anything out loud, but you can tell they’re gossiping about you. You can also see Wonyoung’s concerned and pointed looks aimed at her brother, but he doesn’t seem to care. He doesn’t care about you anymore. 

‘You’ve ruined everything.’ You think to yourself as you stare at the knife in front of you. ‘You should end your pathetic existence. No one wants you. Beomgyu doesn’t love you anymore. Taehyun thinks you’re a slut. Kai thinks you’d be the cause of his brother’s death. You should just kill yourself and spare everyone the trouble of your existence.’

You wonder if you can slip the knife that sits in front of you without anyone noticing. You stare at it through the duration of dinner, just waiting for an opportunity to grab it without anyone noticing, but you don’t manage to do so. It’s the first thing that is taken from the table when the servants start to clear it up, and you wonder if the others had guessed your intentions.    

____________________________

After dinner, Wonyoung asks if you'd like to go for an evening stroll in the gardens with her. She’s clearly concerned by your abject look, but you tell her that you're too tired and you just want to go to sleep. Maybe back at your room, you’ll figure something out to end your suffering. 

She reluctantly accepts your obvious excuse and Beomgyu escorts you back to your room. You think he's just making sure you're not slipping off anywhere else, but when you reach your room, he enters with you and locks it behind him.

You watch in surprise as he walks to the wardrobe and picks out some nightwear and starts changing into it. 

Is he going to sleep here? 

Actually, from the neat pile of clothes that you glimpsed in the closet, it seems like he's been sleeping here for a while. 

You can't help but watch him as he undresses. He looks like he’s bulked up considerably, no longer the delicate boy he once used to be, especially not with the short hair and the bruises speckling his skin. It’s a physical testament to how much he has changed, how he’s no longer your Beomgyu. Still, he's as beautiful as ever and you long to go up to him and run your hands over his tanned skin, kissing every bruise and cut until they fade away and he returns to being yours. But you can’t. You’re not allowed to. 

"You look different." You tell him, not knowing what you expect him to say in response. To reassure you that he hasn’t changed? To tell you that even though he might look different, his heart still belongs to you? 

"So do you." He replies noncommittally, brushing you off. "Get dressed for bed." 

But you’re feeling stubborn and hurt. "I don’t want to sleep next to you."

"You're delusional if you think I'll let you sleep out of my sight after what you've done.” Beomgyu barks at you, seeming done with your shit already. “Now get changed." 

“No.” You refuse insolently. If he’s going to ignore you and then proceed to also not leave you alone then you’re going to make life as difficult for him as possible. 

‘Maybe that will get you some attention.’ A voice in your mind supplies and you do your best to ignore it. 

Beomgyu grunts in annoyance and goes to grab you a sleeping gown from the closet and pushes it towards you. "Get dressed." 

But you refuse to take it. "You want me to change? You do it." It's both a challenge and a wish. You want his hands on you again, even if just in passing. 

And Beomgyu doesn’t hesitate. 

He undresses you, once again faced with your nude body and you latch onto the little hints of need in his eyes and the way his hands shake as if he's finding it hard to hold back. When he gets to your stockings–your body completely nude otherwise–he has to get on his knees to take them off one by one. Once they’re off, he pauses, his hands holding the backs of your thighs tentatively. You feel his fingers twitch against your skin but he refuses to look up at you. You hold your breath, waiting for him to make a move, to kiss your body, caress your skin…

But he eventually gets up again, leaving you unkissed, uncaressed… 

He quickly dresses you. But unfortunately for him, the gown he puts on you turns out to be see-through, and he could still clearly see your nude body that seems to be even more alluringly highlighted by the soft candlelight. 

He gulps and looks away. "There. Let's go to bed." 

But you just stand there with your arms crossed, your barely covered breasts getting emphasized by the movement. You’ve gotten him to react–even if it’s only with your body–and you won’t let this opportunity pass. You can pull him in again. 

"Such a spoiled brat." He curses and you gasp at the familiar name. It shouldn’t arouse something in you but it does. You just miss any sign of your Beomgyu.  

He grabs you and carries you in his arms like a groom carries his bride. You yelp at the sudden action, and wrap your arms around his neck, the two of you exchanging a heated glance at the sudden closeness. 

But then he puts you down on the bed and goes to the other side to slip next to you but keeping his distance from you, not taking you in his arms like you yearned for and leaving you lonely and unembraced. You have to wrap your own arms around your chest to keep the contents of it from  spilling all over, and you just lay there and stare at him.

Why is he doing this? You’re all alone. No one can see you. He can stop pretending now if that's what he's doing. Because if he's not pretending then why the fuck is he sleeping in the same bed as you? Why wouldn't he just post guards in and out of your room to make sure you won't escape and go sleep in his own room?

It doesn’t make sense for him to be here unless he wants to be with you so why is he still keeping a distance? Is he mocking you? Playing with you? Does he realize just how close you are to breaking apart and he wants to be there to see it? 

Well, you’ll give it to him. He earned it. 

As soon as you start crying, he immediately opens his eyes and dares to ask the condescending question, "Why are you crying?" 

"Why are you acting this way?” You whimper pitifully, “I’m back after a year of being apart from you and you’re acting like you don’t even care. You're supposed to be all over me."

You know sound incredibly bratty and entitled. You can tell by the anger on his face, but you don’t care. He forced you to come back. He begged and threatened until you did, and for what? So he could ignore you? 

"I used to be all over you but you didn't like it. You’re the one who pushed me away.” He grits out resentfully, “So now you need to feel what you made me feel."

What you made him feel? Is he doing this just to spite you? To get back at you? And if so, how long is he planning to keep this up? Because you already can't take it anymore. Maybe that makes you a hypocrite but having Beomgyu be within arm's reach after spending so much time apart and yet not having him make up for it by latching onto you and stubbornly refusing to let you go again is too dreadful for you to bear. You feel like your body might just crumble and disintegrate if he doesn’t hold you at this very moment. 

As if hearing your thoughts, or maybe feelings exactly how you feel, he scurries quickly to you and takes you in his arms, rocking you back and forth to try to get you to stop crying. 

"Fuck, you know I can't handle seeing you cry." He laments, leaning down to press apologetic kisses all over your face as you whimper and sniffle. “You’re such a spoiled brat.”

You whine. "Don't you love me anymore?" 

"Don't do that–" He groans weakly, "I'm supposed to be angry. I am angry. You’re being punished–"

You cut him off with a kiss, and for the first time since you got here, he lets you, immediately losing all the fight in him. As your lips and tongues meet, desperately seeking reassurance from the other, you sense your feelings mirrored in him and you wonder how you did not see it before? Of course he’s just as pitiful as you. Of course he missed you as much. Of course it killed him to hold back.  

“You’re so spoiled. I hate that I could never say no to you.” He whines helplessly against your lips, and you pull back to look into his pretty puppy eyes.

"Do you still love me?" You ask like your entire life depends on it. 

"Of course I love you. I will always love you, even when I'm old and gray, even when they put my body in the ground, even when I stand in front of the gods and have to answer for the crimes I committed for love." He confesses confidently. "I was supposed to keep my distance. I was supposed to teach you a lesson. But I couldn’t even last a day. That's how much I love you."

His words reassure you immensely. It’s everything you’ve been hoping to hear. But suddenly he starts crying too and you panic. 

“What is it, baby?” 

Through big, heavy tears, he moans, “I couldn’t hold off a day and you left me for a year. How could you do that to me? You must not love me as much as I love you.” 

“No, baby, no!” You coo softly, despicable euphoria bubbling in your chest at the sight of him crying in need for you again. He still needs you. He still loves you. You can exist again. “I love you so much. I thought about you every day but I forced myself to be strong, to stay away. But seeing you today and thinking you were over me, god I wanted to kill myself.”

"No. You can’t. You can’t leave me. If you die, I die." He tells you frantically, lips wobbling as he tries to hold in his tears, his big watery eyes looking up at you for reassurance, for you to deny that you would ever leave him again.

"I won't, baby. I'm here to stay." And you are. For better or for worse, you are his and he is yours. 

You kiss him repeatedly, whispering 'I love you' again and again until you’re sure the words are now tattooed on both your lips. 

Unlike Taehyun, Beomgyu doesn’t hold back in showing his need for you. You can tell how much he wants you by his moans and pants against your lips, they way his hands touch all over your body feverishly. And you want him to. You want to give yourself to him completely. You’re tired of fighting against it. You just want him to take you and take care of you. 

But a nagging voice in your head won’t let you enjoy this–

You have to be sick in the head to go back to him after what he’s done. 

Taehyun’s voice rings in your ear. 

You liked it didn’t you?

No, you didn’t like it. It killed you. You never thought Beomgyu would be capable of hurting you like that. But you love him. May the gods have mercy on your soul, but you love him. It's always been him. 

But you’re also scared of him. Would he do it again? He told you last time that he only did it because he was angry and scared of losing you. Would he do it now because he’s angry and needy after you left him? If you tell him no, would he stop or would he force you? 

Your body goes stiff at the thought, and once again he registers the change in you and pulls back, noticing the fear in your eyes and immediately realizing what's wrong. 

"Don't worry, I'm not going to… force you." He reassures you, wincing. “I won’t hurt you ever again. I promise. I will prove it to you, princess.”

He goes to pull back then, but you grab onto him. He won’t hurt you. He won’t hurt you. 

"Do it. I want you."

You want to replace your horrible memories with good ones. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes. Make me forget what you did to me." 

He stares at you with his big, pretty eyes, seeking out any hint of hesitation in you, but there is none. You want to forget. You want him to consume you. 

With a curse on his lips, he hurriedly takes off your flimsy gown, hardly believing that he's really getting you. But once you're naked in front of him, he pauses to stare at your body, the way he couldn’t earlier. 

You stay quiet, observing the lust and awe in his eyes before he slowly reaches out and runs his fingers along your breasts, only circling them. The circles get smaller and smaller each time, slowly but surely driving you insane, and by the time his fingers finally brush over your nipples, you jerk at the touch. 

“Beomgyu, I need more. What are you doing?” You question him impatiently, but he shushes you with a kiss. “Just want to savor this moment, princess. I’ve been waiting for so long.” 

You know what he means. Despite all the sexual encounters you’ve had together, this is one of a kind. He never had the opportunity to take you in like this, to have you offer yourself to him so completely.  

Capitalizing on the sensitivity he has created, Beomgyu cups your breasts and flicks his index fingers ever so lightly back and forth across your nipples, making you jerk up again and rub your thighs together, looking for any kind of stimulation more than the maddening one Beomgyu is giving you. But when he sees that, he grabs your thighs and pulls them apart, revealing the wetness gathered between them already. 

“Fuck, princess… are you that sensitive?” He asks as if you can’t see his own need straining against his pants. 

“I missed you, Beomgyu.” You explain yourself, whining needily. “Please do something, puppy.” 

“I will, but keep your legs open, princess.” He orders, bending down to wrap his lips around one of your nipples, the heat and wetness of his mouth immediately lighting your body on fire. He sucks on it before pulling back and letting it pop out of his mouth. He hums appreciatively before leaning in and repeating the same motion a few times while his hand goes up to the other breast and he starts flicking his finger over the nipple again. 

When you mewl and arch into his touch, you inadvertently push your leg between his thighs and press it against his hard member. And as he moans out, the vibrations heightening your pleasure even more, you get an idea. You start moving your thigh, rubbing it against his cock. 

For a few moments he lets you, his moans coming out even more as he licks and sucks at your breast needily, bringing you so much pleasure that you honestly think you could cum like this. 

But then he abruptly stops, pulling away from your chest and pushing your leg down against the bed again. 

“No, princess. No touching me.” He pants, his pupils dilated and his face flushed with such need that you honestly don’t understand why he would ask that of you. 

“Why?” 

“Remember when I would beg to touch you and you’d always refuse?” He asks, reminding you how when you had your deal going on, you were the only one allowed to touch him while he had to keep his hands to himself. 

“You can’t be serious.” You huff indignantly. What, so he’s not going to let you touch him at all?

“Oh, I am, princess. I told you I want to make you feel exactly how you made me feel. I already gave in too quickly on one thing, but I won’t back down on this.” 

You scoff, “So you’re just not going to let me touch you at all? Is that a punishment for me or for you?” 

“We’ll find out.” 

“Fine. Let’s see how long you keep this up, puppy.” You challenge insolently, not appreciating the idea of Beomgyu holding back from you, and hoping he’d fail in this too just as quickly.  

But your attitude doesn’t last long when he goes back to playing with your tits. Once again, you try to rub your legs together, but his body is in the way, so you have to resort to begging him for more. 

“Beomgyu, please.” 

“What is it, princess?” He asks, but he obviously knows what you want because he lets one hand go between your legs to caress your inner thighs, but doesn’t touch where you really need him. 

“Need to cum.” 

“Hmm, you do?” He acts oblivious again, running his middle finger between your wet, puffy lips. "Whose are you?" 

"Yours." You reply right away. "I'm yours, Beomgyu. Please."

You hope he’s convinced. You hope he’ll give you what you want. You hope he’ll spare Taehyun. Fuck, if Taehyun saw you like this–

“Good princess.” Beomgyu purrs, cutting off your train of thought as he does down your body to your pussy. 

"Fuck, this pussy.” He groans, his fingers moving up and down your slit. “I've spent many nights fantasizing about it, princess. You don’t even know. Had nothing but my hands and thoughts of this pussy.”

You know that Beomgyu used to touch himself while thinking of you. He confessed it to you at the very start of your deal but the thought of it still makes your body buzz in excitement. To think that you had the prince completely infatuated with you that he would lie in his bed, his only company being his own lewd thoughts about you, as he touched himself just makes you feel so powerful. He is so crazy for you, your darling king, and his next words confirm it. 

“So many would’ve died for this pussy." He murmurs, spreading your lips apart and pushing his face in to lick several long stripes along your pussy. He would do insane things for you. It’s sick how much that turns you on, but you can be sick around him. He won’t judge you.

He won’t hurt you again. He won’t hurt you. He promised. 

He flicks your clit with his tongue in short practiced motions that make you whimper. He looks up at you, grinning and goes back to the slow drags of his tongue over your slit, messing with you. 

“Beomgyu.” You whine, arching your back and pushing your pussy closer to his mouth. 

“Need it, princess?” He teases, wrapping his lips around your clit and giving it a teasing suck. 

“Ah-hh–yes–” You squirm under him, begging him to stop torturing you. 

But Beomgyu is enjoying it too much. He keeps eye contact with you as he alternates between rapid and slow strokes of his tongue. Every time you start building some sort of high, he slows down again until your whimpers of need are filling the room. 

Begging him obviously won’t work so you have to resort to teasing him back. 

“Make me cum, please, baby.” You purr breathlessly, one hand grabbing your breast while the other goes to your mouth where you place one of the fingers seductively. “Your princess wants to cum on your pretty face.” 

“Such a dirty princess.” He mutters but you know you got to him. You know he’s been dreaming about this for years, and it’s so easy to play into his fantasy. 

His actions turn focused and serious. He dives in again, swiping his tongue over your twitching hole a couple of times before burying it inside. It’s a new feeling, the sensation of his hot tongue pushing in and out of your pussy. It can’t go far in but the entrance of your pussy is sensitive and each time his tongue drags across it as he pushes it in, makes you clench around it. 

And when he starts flicking your clit with his thumb, you wrap your legs around his head, pushing your hips up against his face as your orgasm floods your veins. 

Beomgyu doesn’t complain one bit. Instead, he pulls his tongue out of you and licks up the slick dripping from your quivering pussy, sending little spikes of pleasure that peak through your already intense orgasm. 

You keep repeating his name, first loud and keening and gradually tapering off along with your orgasm until you slump back on the bed and his name becomes merely a breath on your lips. 

Only then does Beomgyu pull back slightly from your pussy, one of his hands still holding your lips apart as if he doesn’t want to let go yet, and asks you, “Did that feel good, princess?” 

You snort at the ridiculous question. “Are you fucking kidding me, Beomgyu? I was spasming on the bed and screaming your name. I’m sure even the guards outside can answer that question for you.” 

You’re sure even Taehyun can answer that question from how loud you were moaning…

As if hearing your thoughts, Beomgyu asks, “Was I better than him?” 

There is a clear sour note in his voice but you can also detect the insecurity behind it. Beomgyu never had to compete with another man for your attention and this new development obviously perturbs him. It’s even worse because you were far away from his watchful eyes and he doesn’t know what he’s competing against. Even though he had his own spies in Taehyun’s castle, it’s not like they were in the bedroom with you.  

“He didn’t… we didn’t do that.” 

"He didn’t eat you out?” Beomgyu scoffs in derision. “So my intel about him not satisfying you in bed was true then.” 

You flush. Beomgyu had intel about your bedroom activities? How? Was your desperation that obvious that even his spies caught on? 

“It’s not that. I’m sure he would have done it if I had asked.” You try to defend Taehyun and save face. You’re sure Taehyun just didn’t feel comfortable asking something like that of you. He’s a very reserved man and it wasn’t like him to ask anything sexual of you. Most of the time you had to be the one initiating things…

Beomgyu scoffs again. “What, he needs a request from his wife to please her?” He sneers, spitting the word ‘wife’ out venomously. “If he wasn’t going to appreciate what he had, he should’ve brought you back to the person who actually would.”  

You open your mouth to protest but you forget what you were going to say when Beomgyu puts his mouth back on you. He licks your slit from your entrance to your clit–where he wraps his lips around the little bud and sucks. Then going back and repeating that motions a few times until the tension leaves your body again and gets replaced by the building pleasure. 

Beomgyu seems even more determined now, as if wanting to prove to you that he’s so much better than your husband.

Your husband… how heartbroken he’d be if he could see you now, spread out for Beomgyu to do with as he pleases. 

But Beomgyu doesn’t give you space to let your thoughts wander to anyone but him. He pulls back to hover over your pussy and lets a trail of his spit drop down to wet your already soaked pussy. He swirls it with his fingers, teasing you, before gathering it and uses it to push two fingers a knuckle deep into you. 

“Oh, Beomgyu.” You gasp, hand flashing out to grab his hair and pushing it back to your pussy. He happily obliges, letting you guide his mouth back to your clit, his fingers moving to work that one knuckle maddeningly in and out of your pussy, the combined stimulation along with the sight of Beomgyu–your king–with his face buried in your pussy already getting you close to the edge again. 

"Fuck, how have you gotten so good at this?" You lament, your free hand clutching at the bedsheets.

"I had practice." He pulls back for a second to inform you and your stomach sinks. He tries to go back to eating you out but you quickly use the hand you have tangled in his hair to pull him away from your pussy. You also attempt to push him back with your feet but he manages to grab them and pin them down to the bed before climbing up your body. 

When he’s face to face with you, you snarl at him. “So you were fucking Ryujin all this time I was gone?” 

You press your hands to his chest, trying to push him away but he doesn’t budge. When the hell did he get so strong?

“Not all the time, but your scent was fading from your clothes and your bed didn’t smell like you anymore either. I needed to find relief elsewhere and she was willing.” 

You grit your teeth and try to look away but he grabs your face and makes you look at him. “Are you jealous, princess? How can you be jealous when you've done the same with him? I know you were begging him to fuck you."

Once again, you burn up in embarrassment. 

"You know I would have never done that to you, princess. If you were my wife, I would make sure that you’re fucked and happy every day." 

You shiver. You want that. You need it. You don’t want a man who you have to humiliate yourself by begging him to fuck you. You want a man who yearns for you, lusts after you…

I'm offering you power and dignity and yet you'd rather turn me away and run to his bed. Maybe you do like being his slut.

Maybe you liked it.

No. No. It’s not that. You just want to be wanted. Taehyun never wanted you. Not like you wanted him to. Maybe if he did, things would’ve been different. 

You only have Beomgyu, and he promised not to hurt you anymore. 

"But you left me." Beomgyu’s voice cuts through your internal battle. "You hurt me so bad, princess, but I knew I would get you back eventually. And I knew that I needed to make sure that when that happened, I would be able to keep you satisfied this time, emotionally, materially, physically…” His eyes fall to your chest, and one of his hands goes to your breast, brushing his fingers over the hardened nipple and making you let out a shaky breath. “So you’d never think of leaving me again. You see, I would fall at your feet at just the beck of a finger, but you've always made me work for it." 

An uncomfortable feeling akin to guilt sprouts in you at his words. Were you the Taehyun in this relationship? 

"But it's okay. I know how precious my princess is and I will pay the full price." He bends down then, kissing you. You kiss him back, losing yourself in his mouth and almost forgetting why you were mad in the first place. But when he moans against your lips, you remember. 

“Fuck me.” You demand, and you know he can tell why. He’s yours. He did so much shit just to get you. He belongs to you. You want to erase the memory of her from his mind, the feel of her walls from his cock. Mine. Mine. Mine. 

“Shit, do you know how long I waited to hear that from you?” He groans needily. And yet somehow he has the audacity to refuse. “But I can’t. If I give you what you want like always, you’ll never learn.” 

“Learn what?” You grit. “Didn’t you say if I was yours, you’d make sure that I was fucked and happy everyday?” 

He shakes his head. “I said if you were my wife, but you're not. Because you left and married someone else.” 

“You were married before me!” 

“And I would’ve figured something out but you couldn’t wait. You know I was looking into ways to dissolve my marriage to Ryujin?” He asks, stunning you. “But you got married before I could. You used me and threw me away when I was no longer useful to you.”

“That’s not true. I left because you hurt me! I got married because you were threatening me.” You deny vehemently. 

“You were going to leave even before I hurt you. I told you that I loved you. I offered to give up my position in order to be with you but you refused because then I would’ve been useless to you. I wouldn’t have been able to provide you with the level of wealth and power you wanted.” 

“No. That's not the reason. It’s not!” Your denial is weaker this time. With no actual reason given, you make up for it with your whines, hoping he’d drop it. “I had to, puppy. I love you.” 

“It’s not? Then what is? Why did you turn me down?” He challenges you, not taking the bait, and you sputter for a few seconds, racking your brain for a reason that wouldn’t make you seem so utterly selfish but finding none. If he had stepped down, he would’ve been able to marry you like you wanted, but you couldn’t let him do it. You couldn’t give up the comfort and luxury you were used to because of him. 

“Ok, so what?” You huff indignantly. “I like living a comfortable life. Who doesn’t?” 

“And did he give you a comfortable life?” 

You pout. “Now you’re just being petty.” 

He snorts. “And you’re being a child. You ran to him thinking he’s going to give you the power and status that you want but when he didn’t, you came back and now you expect me to just fall at your feet and give you everything you want, isn’t that right, princess?”

“I came back because you threatened war.” You argue with him. 

“Oh, so you’d be okay with me not treating you like a princess anymore? You’d be okay with me putting you in a modest house and not providing you with any servants or nice things? You’d be okay if I pulled away from you and focused on my wife?” 

You grimace severely. You hate being caught on your hypocrisy and if you could cross your arms and stomp your feet, that’s what you would be doing right now. “You can’t do that. You promised you’d give me everything I asked for if I came back.” 

“Fuck, baby, you’re so spoiled.” Beomgyu lets out a laugh in disbelief at your entitlement. “But yes I did, and I will, but you have to be punished first. You don’t get to betray me and abandon me and then come back and take what you want from me. You don’t get to make me pine after you all my life and have you use that to take what you want from me then throw me to the side for another man. I won’t go easy on you this time. I’ve coddled you too long and now you think you’re entitled to me. I have pride too, you know? I’m not just your lovesick puppy. What did I get from giving you what you want? You left me and went to him. You need to realize how much you’ve hurt me, how you’ve always hurt me.”

“So what, is that your grand plan? Not letting me touch you? Not fucking me? Need I remind you how much you were begging to fuck me before? You think you can actually pull this off?” You wrap your legs around his waist and pull him towards your body, pressing his hard cock against your pussy and the both of you let out a gasp. "You're mine, Beomgyu. You’re crazy about me. You did such fucked up shit to get me back into your bed and now you want to act like you can hold back? I know you're dying to bury your cock in my pussy, puppy. So just do it." You grind up against him, and kiss his neck, smiling when you feel him buck his hips against you. 

“You always treated me like I was disgusting for wanting your body but now you want me to take you because you're jealous and possessive? Isn't that what you hated me for?" He grunts, yet his hips roll against yours as if independent from his control. "You don't get to demand it, baby. You're going to have to beg for it."

God, you’re sick of his bullshit already. If what he wants is for you to beg so he’d give you what you want then so be it. You know you only need to have him inside you and then he’d be drunk on your pussy in no time and become putty in your hand again. 

"Please, baby. I need you.” You moan lewdly, “Don't you want to fuck your princess until I forget all about him?" 

"You always play dirty, you fucking brat." He curses, driving his hips against you harder. "But you’re not getting what you want. I can’t fuck you yet even if I want to." 

"And why not?" 

"Because I need to wait to make sure you’re not carrying his baby so when I do fuck you… if you get pregnant, everyone will know it's mine." At that, Beomgyu’s hips falter for a second. He clearly likes the idea of you carrying his child. 

You do too. Just the thought of it drives you wild–to carry his child, to have a family with the man you’ve always loved… but you know you can never have that. And you tell him as much. 

"You know, I can’t have a baby with you, Beomgyu. You’re married to Ryujin and I’m married to Taehyun.” You speak his name intentionally, wanting to rile Beomgyu up just like he did to you. Two can play at this game. “It’s one thing to have rumors about you fucking a married woman. It’s another thing entirely to confirm it by knocking me up.” 

Once again, his hips drive into yours just a bit erratically. “Maybe, but wouldn’t it be so wonderful?” 

“Beomgyu…” 

“Just imagine it, baby. Your belly all swollen up with our child… your tits getting bigger and bigger with milk…” He grabs your breasts at that, making you moan and arch into his touch. “You’d look so pretty, and everyone will know who you really belong to, who my real lover is.” 

You bite your lips, feeling his cock slide against your clit through his now wet pants, sticky with your arousal and molding to his length. “Why haven’t you had a child with her yet?” 

“Don’t want to.” He grunts, annoyed at you for bringing her up. 

"You need an heir."

“So give me an heir.” He tells you as if it’s that simple, and you can tell that he’s not thinking clearly by the hazy look in his eyes. You have to be the voice of reason, even if it’s so hard to do that right now. "Beomgyu, no…"

But he makes it so hard, "I can take care of any child you'd bear for me. You were afraid before that they'd live in secrecy, not recognized by their own father, but I can legitimize them now if I want."

"Legitimize them?" You gasp, pulling him against you harder.

"Yeah, my wife hasn't borne me any children. As a king, no one would begrudge me getting an heir from someone else." He purrs, rubbing his thumb over your nipples, noticing how you seem to whine louder at the idea. "You wanna give me an heir, princess?" 

You know he can’t actually do that. He maybe could if you weren’t married to Taehyun. Even if Beomgyu is married himself, it’s not uncommon for a noble, especially a king, to have mistresses and even bear children from them. But to have a child with a mistress who is already married to another lord–that’s something that even a king might not be able to get away with. 

Still, you’re needy and in love, and the thought of bearing an heir for Beomgyu makes your brain swirl with lust. You can pretend for a moment. What harm would it do?

“Yes. You’re mine.” 

“Fuck, that’s right. I’m yours, princess.” He sucks in a sharp breath. "You're so good to me. God, you would look so pretty carrying my babies. I want to cum in your sweet cunt until you’re all filled up with me." 

“You’re insane.” You breathe, but despite your words, you feel yourself creeping ever closer to the edge, and you need him to fall with you. "Why don't you show me how you'd fuck me full?"

He pulls his hips back and snaps them against yours, fucking you through his clothes, the drag of his hard dick against your pussy so maddening. If he could just pull his pants down and slip his cock inside you…

"Yeah, that's it. That's a good boy." You praise him and he chuckles, but his movements grow sloppy. "And you're a bad girl. Making me hump you like a dog again."

"You can fuck me if you want." You tell him breathlessly and he bites his lip in need. "You know I can't." 

"You can fuck my ass." You offer, just needing him inside you at this point. He liked that before, didn’t he? 

But Beomgyu holds fast, groaning in frustration at having to hold back. “Stop it, princess. S–stop trying to get out of your punishment.” 

You notice how he’s struggling to speak now. “Are you close, puppy?” 

“Yeah–yeah… so close. Princess, I'm burning up. You have me ready to cum in my pants again after everything.” He whines, disappointed at his own weakness. “I’m the fucking king and you still have me wrapped around your fingers. It’s so unfair how much I need you. Do you like playing with me?” 

"Yeah, like seeing you go crazy." You wrap your legs tightly around his waist so he’s forced to just grind against you, his cock hitting your clit every time and getting you so, so close. “You want cum for me, baby? Does your cock hurt? Are you balls all full for me? Wanna breed your princess?” 

“Y-You’re the devil.” He moans and you laugh. “Then cum for me, my king. Fill me up.” You mewl, alight inside with glee. He can resist and talk big all he wants but he’ll always crumble for you. It makes you feel like a god. You feel in control. It’s not so scary doing this when he’s so willing to be vulnerable and pathetic for you.

“Oh god, fuck—ahh–fuck–I love you. I love you so much.” He cries out, shuddering violently above you, his eyes rolling back for a moment. The warmth of his seed seeping through his clothes is a reminder of what he’s willing to give you and it sends you over the edge too. 

You both clutch onto each other as your orgasms crash through you, moving between your bodies as you moan in ecstasy. It shouldn’t feel this good. He’s not even fucking you, but just the chance to finally be allowed to share pleasure with each other is enough to send you reeling. 

Beomgyu is giggling lightly as he pulls back from you. “Fuck, I really failed in my mission, huh?” 

“Yeah, look how much you came all over my pussy.” You tease, noting the way his cum had seeped out of his pants and onto your pussy. “You might as well have fucked me.” 

“Don’t act like this is all me.” He shoots back with a grin, pulling at the sticky mess over his crotch that is made up of both your fluids, and you blush. “Whatever.” 

He leans down to give you a small kiss, his grin still plastered to his face. “But yes, we both know how weak I am for you, especially you, princess… Don’t get used to it though. You’re still being punished, you know? I just missed you.” 

“I did too.” You sigh, a soft, fuzzy feeling filling you up at the fondness in his eyes. This feels so right. Should it feel this right?

Reluctantly, you add, “Beomgyu… you know I really can’t have a child with you, right?” 

His smile falters a bit at that. “You don’t have to worry about that right now, princess. Trust in me for once, okay?” 

You hesitate, staring at him. In front of you is the most beautiful man you've ever met–his big doe eyes that poets would never tire from writing about framed by his long thick lashes, his perfect nose that screams royalty, his lips that were only made to smile and be kissed.

And that’s speaking nothing of his kindness, his passion, his wit, the way he would move heaven and earth to be with you. He has always looked out for you in his own twisted way. Even though he always held a deep sadness inside of him, he never burdened you with it much, preferring to take care of you, to listen to your own worries. Even now he’s not asking for much, just for you to let him take care of everything.

He may be sick. He may be obsessive, but what man wouldn't be when he's faced with the loss of his one and only? And how could you resist him? If the gods made him to be your downfall then you've already fallen. 

Maybe the gods won't be merciful to him in the afterlife, but as long as he lives on this earth, he will get your mercy. For you and him are two halves of the same soul.. 

“Okay.” 

He smiles brightly in response, giving you another kiss then sits up, getting off you. “Wait here.” 

He goes into the bathroom for a while, before coming out with a piece of wet cloth that he uses to wipe you clean before he gets you another gown to replace the one you were wearing. Then he changes his own clothes, chuckling at how the both of you ruined them.

“Now, I’m going to go tell the servants to get you some food. You must be starving.” 

“Oh, you don’t have to. I can eat in the morning.” You try to deny, but as if in protest, your stomach chooses this moment to grumble in hunger, and you blush. 

He laughs. “I’ll be right back, princess.” 

___________________________

In classic Beomgyu fashion, he brings you an entire feast consisting of all kinds of meat–beef, mutton, pork, chicken and even more exotic meats like ostriches and peacocks were all there–it’s as if he had prepared them for your arrival, just waiting for you to give in, and he probably had. The meat was done in a variety of ways–fried, roasted, boiled…There were also all kinds of fruits, nuts, cheese, wafers and liquor.

It is a banquet befitting a queen, and Beomgyu happily feeds it all to you by hand. 

“You’re acting like I can't feed myself.” You feign annoyance at his unnecessary actions, but you actually love it. Especially how every time he gives you a bite, he steals a peck.

It becomes a game between the two of you, you trying to eat without paying him his due kiss and him trying his best to collect it. You have to admit, you wouldn’t have eaten so much if there wasn’t the promise of a kiss from him on the line. 

He shrugs. “I like taking care of you. You barely ate anything at lunch and nothing at dinner. I was worried about you for hours and I’m just so glad you gave in. I’m not sure I could’ve slept knowing you’d gone to bed hungry.” He pouts, his old playful self shining through. 

"Why? Do you think I can’t take care of myself?" 

"I know you can but I still want to do it for you. It gives me pleasure to know I'm making you comfortable in life, to know you enjoy it a little more with my help, are a little more at peace, have less to worry about… in the past, that was all I was good for. Taking care of you gave me purpose when I had none." He looked at you through his lashes. "But you take care of me too, in your own way. You are so sweet and kind and lovely. You make life worth living just so I can share it with you." 

You stare at him, the breath halted in your lungs. Whatever did you do to deserve him? Deserve his love, deserve his wrath? The gods must really hate you, they must really love you, to have gifted you this wonderful, terrible man. 

Beomgyu gives you a sheepish smile and looks down, taking a piece of meat off a plate. “Try the hare. I hunted it myself.” He pushes the food into your mouth before you can protest, and sits back, looking at you with big, curious eyes, not giving you a kiss this time in favor of gauging your reaction. “Do you like it?” 

You chew it thoroughly, tasting the fine meat and delicious sauce that was the signature of the royal cook. You hum happily and nod, giving him your approval and making him smile. But his smile doesn’t reach its full potential before he asks again, anxiously, “Would you like to go on a hunt with me?”

You give him a confused look. Beomgyu never took you on hunts before. He never liked to involve you in “unlady-like” behavior. You used to think it was because he was being a usual domineering male, but you now know it’s because he just likes to take care of you.

"But I thought you said it wasn’t proper for a lady to go on hunts." 

He shakes his head, smiling sheepishly once again. "I was an idiot. I only said it because I was afraid if you learned to depend on yourself, you would outgrow me."

As if you ever could. "And what changed your mind?"

"Because it didn’t work. Your escape showed me that if I don’t give you what you want, you’ll go look for it someplace else.” He explains tensely, fidgeting with his fingers. “He took you on hunts, didn’t he?”

"So you're just competing with him? Is that why you're suddenly learning to spar too?” You narrow your eyes at him, “Is that why you cut your hair?"

He shrugs. “I just want to make you happy.”

"I was happy with my best friend who was a lanky, long-haired weakling who couldn’t defend himself for shit. You don’t need to be like him to make me happy. But it's sweet that you’re finally not being as much of an idiot." You roll your eyes at him. “I like archery and want to keep practicing it but no. I don’t want to go hunting. I didn’t really like it.” 

He smiles in relief. “Okay.” 

He’s clearly happy with your response. He may have offered this to try to appease you so you wouldn’t go back to Taehyun, but it clearly made him uncomfortable. Maybe it’s wrong of you to enable his behavior, but you realize that you like being taken care of as much as he likes taking care of you.  

Beomgyu tries to feed you more of the hare but you pull your head away. “No more. I am absolutely stuffed. Man, if I ate like this every day, I would be as big as a cow.” 

“I want you to get bigger.” He shrugs and pokes at your shoulder. “You’ve really gotten so thin there. Did he not feed you?”

“He fed me.” You glare at the cheap shot. “But the food there didn’t taste that good, and you know I hate fish.” 

“I know, baby.” He smiles, taking you in his arms and kissing you. “My spoiled baby can’t eat anything less than the absolute best food the kingdom has to offer.” 

You want to protest and tell him it’s not true, that you were perfectly fine eating the castle’s bland, improperly cooked food but you know he’d see right through you. So you just huff and let him kiss you. It’s no use pretending like you don’t crave his coddling anymore. 

Beomgyu calls for the servants to clear out the plates, and when they’re done and you’re alone again, he leads you to bed. 

Once under the covers, you fall into his arms, preparing for a blissful night of sleep in the arms of your love, but as you lay your head on the pillow, you feel something under it. Pulling it out, you see that it’s your fairytale book. 

“What’s this doing here?” You ask, confused. 

“Oh, I used to read it every night when you were gone.” He admits in a small voice, burying his face in your shoulder. “It made me feel closer to you.” 

“Oh, you silly puppy.” You coo, a smile tugging on your lips as you flip through your beloved book. 

Inside, you come across another surprise. Nestled between two of the pages is a dried up sunflower. 

“A sunflower.” You say, your smile growing bigger, and you feel him nod. “Your favorite.” 

“You know why they are my favorite?” You ask, humming contently as you touch it gently so as not to break the fragile thing.

“No, why?” 

“It’s the first flower you ever gave to me.” You close the book and put it aside before turning to face him, recalling fondly, bashfully. “We were teens and I had just learned about how sunflowers follow the path of the sun in the sky. I had thought they were just called that because of their color and shape. So I excitedly went to check out the crop of them in the garden. I watched them all day. They followed the sun and I followed them, sketching them out in my little book. But I couldn’t get the middle part quite right. I needed a closer look so I tried to cut one down, but the damn thing was taller than I was.” You laughed, remembering how you kept jumping up and down trying to grab at one. “So you–”

“Climbed up the pillar nearby and got the biggest one for you.” He finished, and you blush, looking away, “Yeah… it was a ginormous thing. I had to cup it in both my hands in order to hold it, but I pretended in my head that it was a rose the handsome young prince I was in love with was giving me in order to woo me.”

You feel his warm hand gently guiding your face back towards him. “I was.” 

Your heart skips a beat at the revelation. The both of you have been in love with each other for so long and yet neither of you knew about the other’s feelings. “Why didn’t you tell me how you felt before?”

“I was afraid you’d pull away from me.” 

You want to refute his words but you know he’s right. You would’ve probably figured things out sooner if he had confessed to you and your life together would’ve collapsed even sooner. 

“You were the only one who saw me for more than the annoying second in line, and I loved you for it. Even after the others started to come around as I grew up, I couldn’t forget how you were the only one who saw me for a long time. You saved me, princess. I couldn’t lose you.”

You think back on how Beomgyu was like as a kid. He was always adorable to you, but he definitely came across as a menace to others. You were aware of that much, but you didn’t think it bothered him. 

“I thought you liked annoying others.” You say dumbly and he laughs and lowers his head, hiding in your shoulder again. “Believe it or not, I didn’t just play pranks and overall act as a menace just to annoy people, though it was a bit of fun. I wanted them to notice me. No one paid attention to me other than my mother and sister, and my mother only did so because her other son wasn’t giving her the time of day.” He nuzzles into your neck, seeking comfort, and you run your hand up and down his back soothingly.

“I so wanted people to take me seriously like my brother. I wanted my father to love me too. I wanted to make him as proud as my brother did, but no matter how hard I tried, I could never compare. So I resorted to acting out because it would get me attention from him and others, even if it was negative, at least he was looking at me. But then he wouldn’t even do that.” Beomgyu laughs painfully. “He made it a point not to look at his own son, and then so did my brother and then so did everyone else. I was the other prince but no one cared. I even overheard some of my fathers men saying that it’s lucky that Yeonjun was born first because if I had been born first then the kingdom would’ve been doomed.” 

You knew he had always looked at you for reassurance that he didn’t get anywhere else, but you didn’t realize how deep it went. He was so alone. God, it makes you ache just hearing about it. You want to go back to that little insecure boy and hug him until he feels like he matters. 

But you can’t so you do the next best thing. You hug him now, and he holds onto you tightly.  

“So that’s how I lived my life… until you came along.” Finally he pulls back from hiding and looks up at you with a smile. “You didn’t care that I was annoying. You loved me for it. It made you laugh and so I kept doing it more and more. You didn’t think I was such a waste of space. You listened to what I had to say and you looked like you actually cared. It was… nice.” 

So that’s why he latched onto you so hard. 

“It was the same for me. I’m the youngest daughter of an inconsequential lord. No one gave me a second glance before I met you, except old men who would leer at me and ask my father how much they need to pay to have me.” You shudder at the thought of what your fate almost became, and Beomgyu’s hands tighten around you protectively, a frown twisting his handsome features. “Only you noticed me. Only you cared. You saved me, made my father believe I had value, and made me think so too. I know it sounds superficial after everything you just said, but having you–the prince–pay attention to me and want to be in my company after I’ve been put down by other nobles all my life made me feel like I wasn’t inherently less valuable, that I had worth too and that someone could look at me and see past my lacking family background, that I could be loved and cared for like I never was before. And for that someone to be you–so handsome, so generous, so funny, so sweet…” You punctuate every adjective with a kiss over a different part of his face, making him giggle. “How could I have not fallen for you?” 

You were made to save each other, made to make each other feel like you mattered in this big world that treated you so coldly. 

“How long have you loved me?” He asks, and you think about it deeply, but can’t quite place it. “So long. It was so gradual, so natural, that I didn’t notice it until I was in too deep… maybe I’ve always loved you. Maybe our souls knew each other before we came to this earth. What I feel for you is so strong I’m scared it will annihilate me.” 

“I will never let that happen.” He promises solemnly and a strange sadness sprouts in your chest. “What if you’re the cause of it?” 

“You think too much, princess.” He brushes your gloomy ruminations away, running his fingers delicately through your hair.  “I’m just so glad you gave in. It was so horrible not having you in my arms when you were right there. I was going to go crazy.” 

“It was only a day. Don’t be dramatic.” You grin but he doesn’t mirror you like he usually does. 

“A day and a year.” He corrects and you falter. “I can’t believe you left me for that long.” 

“I’m here now, baby.” You reassure him, wrapping your arms around his neck. “And I’ll stay with you forever…just… please leave him be. Don’t attack his city. You have me now. I’ll stay.

"I want to believe you, but you lied to me before. How can I trust that you’ll stay this time?" 

"Do whatever you see fit.” You surrender yourself to him completely, prepared to take anything just to end this war before it starts. “Just don’t hurt him anymore." 

“So you won’t leave me again?” 

“I won’t.”

"Are you willing to prove it?" Beomgyu asks ominously, and you gulp. 

"Yes." 

__________________________________

A/N: this took a long time, didn't it? I'm still not satisfied with it but i hope you guys are. it was definitely tricky to write this chapter so let me know what you guys think especially with how she left taehyun and got back to gyu

the next chapter will probably take a long time too as i just got my job back so savor this as always lol

oh and i don't know how many chapters are left. i have everything planned out but the chapters keep getting too big that i have to cut them in half, therefore increasing the number of remaining chapters. this is just half of the chapter that was supposed to be chapter 9 lmao

[murainhell]

Any headcanons for radioapple or radiorose you won’t be able to add/address to your fics?

This is an interesting question and you have made me think more than I expected haha

Usually, if I think about the characters and how they interact with each other, I tend to do it around a story. So there's a good chance it's already in fic or comic format in my head. Especially as I always move around QPRs with Alastor. Thoughts on him? Plenty. What would he do on a Friday afternoon with Rosie? Hmmm, let's see… *starts writing a scrip* (<- literally what has happened with an idea with Alastor and Vox).

But! After thinking about it, it turns out that I do have ideas in my head that I assume to be true for my stories but I don't think I'm going to be able to talk about. So here are a few:

Alastor and Lucifer 📻🍎

Completely obsessed with them bonding over music, playing instruments and dancing. This is something I wish would also happen in the canon series; they've already sung a song together, they can throw knives at each other in the morning and give a concert in the afternoon lol. But I don't think I'll do anything with that, because there are people who have explored it before. And yes, two cakes! But I don't know anything about those things, I wouldn't know how to describe the situation well. But I assume it's something they do in my fic some evenings; no need to talk, just enjoy the moment.

First activities they do, now what they DON'T do: cooking together. Watching his workshop in canon, I see Lucifer as a very messy person in the kitchen, not cleaning up because, well, magic sorts it out later! Let's experiment! While Alastor has his own chaos, but within absolute control of the situation. He's had time to learn how to handle a crime scene, so it's all neat and tidy in his own way. I did mention this in my fic in passing, but I'm sure I'm not going to add a whole scene of them trying (and they have tried), because it would give me a headache haha

Alastor has a small collection of things he has taken from Lucifer as mementos. In my fic, I think I remember Lucifer thinking in one scene that he doesn't mind leaving Alastor alone in his room because if he wants something he's sure he'll have slipped in before to take it. He was right. Alastor currently has the red monster figurine (which is totally cursed cat), several ducks, some Lucifer blueprints (the best way to disagree with them, make it disappear and the other may forget it existed), and a couple of things that might be relevant in future one-shots, we'll see.

Alastor and Rosie 📻🌹

More tricky because it's more like I haven't had time to sit down and do anything more with them, but some ideas that are in my mind that aren't in any of my fics for now:

Alastor leaves Rosie gifts, especially when they don't have time to see each other. A little ‘I've been thinking of you’. Sometimes roses, sometimes books, it depends. (If any of you are interested in this, it's a good time to recommend this fic "Fawning Over You" by Bexii. It does have a romantic tone, but I really enjoyed it, it's lovely.).

Even if they get along well, they both have a plan in the back of their minds on how they would try to defeat the other if it came to it. They are both smart and need to be prepared for everything; they just trust that day will never come.

On that note, it's exciting for Rosie to be able to trust him! Because of her relationship with men, her current solution to arguments is to get them out of the way, it's not worth the effort the moment being with someone is no longer fun. But Alastor has survived by her side many years and has never failed her. Actually, I think they could both bond around the “ugh, I don't understand men" since he also prefers the company of ladies haha

And I think this is enough for now. Sorry for writing so much oops

[alicewonderao3]

Rumor Has It

Title: Rumor Has It

Summary: Haley can't believe that Aaron's dating someone, let alone dating her for six months. She wants to know why she hasn't met her yet, and confronts him, but what happens when she finds out something she wasn't expecting?

Characters: Aaron Hotchner, Haley Hotchner, (Ex-wife), OC female character. Jack Hotchner.

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x OC female character

Word count: 1,729

Authors note: So, this is another song fic. I heard this song and couldn't help but think of what would have happened if Aaron had dated someone else and Haley found out that he loved this new girlfriend of his. This is from the prospective of the new girlfriend and then Haley's at the end. I have no beta, so all spelling and grammar mistakes are mine, and I don't own Criminal minds or the lyrics to the Reba song at the end. Let me know what you think. Enjoy!

Warnings: None, mentions of cheating. *I know we technically don't know if Haley cheated on Aaron, but for this story, that's what I'm suggesting.

I'd been seeing Aaron for a few weeks now. He was funny and gorgeous, and once you got past the often cold expressions he wore, he had such a reserve of warmth under it. We'd met at a parent's night, my niece attending the same school as his son, Jack. I'd given him my number and gone on my way, and when he called, we started dating. 

I knew he'd been married before, he'd been very upfront about it. His ex-wife, Haley, was active with Jack, although I hadn't met her yet. Aaron said the time wasn't right, and we enjoyed each other's company when he wasn't gone on cases. 

I knew he was working late one night and went to drop by with dinner for him, Morgan being kind enough to let me in. I slowly approached Aaron's office, stopping only when I heard his voice and another one. I knew it had to be Haley's, simply by the frustrated tone in Aaron's voice. 

The office was mostly empty, and so no one noticed me as I heard Aaron and Haley speaking to each other. He was frustrated and she seemed upset almost. It was Haley's voice I heard first. "Why won't you let me meet her, Aaron? She's met Jack, she should meet me." 

I hear Aaron sigh, and I know he's making that face. His voice is tight, clipped. "Because it's not time, Haley. And it's none of your business anyway." He adds although I heard the quiet sound of frustration that leaves him when Haley says, "But it is, Aaron. She's around our son. I need to make sure she's a good person." 

Aaron's voice is sharp. "Do you have a problem with my judgment, Haley?" There's this silence between them, and I hear Haley say. "You know I don't, Aaron." Then his voice again, frustrated, angry almost. "You do if you're questioning Alice's character. She's wonderful, and she and Jack get along well. It's just not the right time for you two to meet." 

Haley's voice grows frustrated at that, "Oh, forgive me for questioning Alice's character." There is a sarcastic note to her tone, and I hear Aaron set down a file, I know he's angry now, I can hear it in his voice. "She's a good woman, Haley. She's kind and smart and she and Jack get along. Why are you pressing the issue? What's the real reason you want to meet her?" 

There's a silence, and Haley says, "No reason. I just thought it was time. How long have you been dating, Aaron, or is too hard to remember?" I hear the dig at him, knowing Haley hated the nights he was gone, the anniversaries he missed because of work, the old hurts from their divorce taking over the conversation again as they both aired old hurts and arguments. 

Aaron's voice is sharp as he says, "If you must know, Haley, we've been seeing each other for almost 6 months now." I can hear the surprise in Haley's tone, and if I could see her face, I imagine I'd see it on her face. "You've been seeing this woman for six months and don't think it's time for me to meet her?" I hear Aaron's angry tone, "No, I don't. And it's none of your business why, so don't ask." 

But she asks, and they go around and around again in more pointless arguing. I'm about to step away when I hear Haley say, a chuckle in her tone, her voice angry. "The only reason you'd be defending her like this is if you loved her, Aaron." There is this silence, and outside his office, my heart skips a beat. Aaron and I hadn't said those words to each other yet. 

I'd felt them, sure, but hadn't been brave enough to tell him how my heart skipped a beat every time I saw him, or how I enjoyed our movie nights with Jack. But it was there, in the texts I sent when he was gone on cases, in how I attended all of Jack's soccer games, his plays everything. I tune back in to hear Haley's shocked voice, surprise laced through her tone. "You can't possibly love her Aaron. No, it's not true." 

Aaron's silence speaks volumes. I know the expression he has on his face, and he says, in a tone that clearly says he does love me, "It's none of your business, Haley, so drop it. You said you left Jack with Garcia, and I'm gonna go fetch him." His tone is brisk, and cold as he speaks to hear. 

Haley's voice rings out with surprise and hurt as she says, "You do. You love her, already? How? Why?" Aaron doesn't answer her, except to tell her that it's none of her business who he loves anymore. "We're divorced, Haley. You've moved on, and now it's my turn. Let me be happy." 

I hear Haley's angry laugh. "Happy is one thing, Aaron, loving another woman a year after our divorce is another thing entirely." This is when I hear Aaron get angrier, if possible. "Did you think I'd sit and pine over you forever, Haley?" There's a silence that follows his question and I hear him scoff. "Fine, since you wanna know the truth, let me tell you the truth, Haley." 

I freeze, and my mind tells me to leave, to go away, that I shouldn't be standing here listening to this in the first place but I can't move my feet. Aaron's voice is sharp, frustrated, "Yes, I love her Haley. Alice makes me feel important. She listens to me and brings me dinner when I work late. She's kind and special and I'm grateful she's in my life." 

I hear some kind of noise leave Haley but Aaron continues, "She doesn't toy with my emotions and most of all," I hear Aaron's voice drop here, and something tells me this is a low blow, especially by the way Haley's breath catches. "She doesn't cheat on me, Haley." 

Silence reigns. Aaron never told me how it ended, but hearing that leave his lips made my heart break for him. It explained so many things, the way he'd always check in on me, the way he always tugged me closer when other men checked me out while we were on dates. He was afraid I'd do to him what Haley had done. 

Aaron speaks again, and his tone is no less angry or cold. "I love her, Haley. I love Alice, and I'd like to tell her before she meets you." Haley is silent, and when she speaks, I hear the anger in her tone. "First of all, Aaron, I could care less if you love her." Aaron scoffs, "You do if you're here asking me about it." 

There's more silence, and Haley's voice is angry. "Fine. Jack is with Garcia. I don't care about your little girlfriend, Aaron. This relationship of yours won't last long anyway, once Alice learns how little time you have for her." I hear her footsteps get closer to the door and I barely manage to hide as she leaves, going to get Jack for Aaron. 

I give him a few seconds to calm down before I walk over to his door, knocking softly. "Hey, Aaron, got a second for me?" I push it open, watching as he smiles softly at me. "For you? Always," He says, and I set the plate down and act like I didn't just hear him tell his ex-wife that he loved me. 

He thanks me for dinner and then pulls me into a hug, holding me against him. I don't question him, I just let him hold me. For several long seconds, we're both silent. "What's wrong?" I ask, deciding to see how much he'll tell me. I hear him sigh and feel how he tugs me closer, almost as if he's debating that very question in his mind. 

I expect him to brush me off, so it surprises me when he tells me what's wrong, his voice soft as he sort of explains his argument with Haley, leaving out the part where he mentions he loves me. I offer up what little advice I can think of, but mostly just let him ramble as he holds me. 

He pulls back to look down at me, his expression soft as he tucks a dark curl behind my ear. The words leave him so effortlessly, they still hit me with the same shock value as they had outside his door. "I love you," He whispers to me and my breath catches a moment, my soft eyes staring up at him, my heart beating wildly in my chest. 

"I love you too," I whisper, holding his gaze, searching his eyes, and finding the truth reflected as he looked at me. He leans in and kisses me, his lips soft and sweet against mine, as I melt in his arms, only parting from me as Jack runs in, his voice excited as he spots me. I hug him, not realizing Haley is outside the door. 

Outside Aaron's office, Haley watches with an ache in her heart as Aaron greets Alice when she walks in. She's pretty, she has to admit, with her honey-colored eyes and dark hair. She watches him hug her, and then he tells her. He tells her he loves her. She watches Alice's breath catch, as the two stare up at each other with love in their eyes before he kisses her. 

But it's the way he does it, cupping her face in his hands, holding her as if she's the most precious thing in the world to him, that breaks her heart, pieces shattering on the ground like a broken vase, sending Jack in to greet Aaron through the film of tears that form over her face. She watches Jack greet Alice, but can't do anything but feel her heartbreak. She thought Aaron would love her forever. But watching him profess his love to another woman makes her ache in a way she hadn't expected to feel a year out of their divorce. 

"Oh, Rumor has it. She has you. Rumor has it, you love her too. Oh, talk is cheap but the price is high when it's true. Oh, rumor has it, she has you." 

[sickandvomiting]

Could not get this bit of dialogue out of my head (and I don’t even know what characters it’s for, it was literally just the dialogue and a scenario) so I turned it into a mini-fic. It’s not even The Content™️, I’m just in a dacry mood recently. Forgive any mistakes, I didn’t proof it very much and it is Not Well Thought Out

———

He rests his over-warm forehead against the cool toilet seat in his grubby apartment bathroom and closes his eyes. The bout ended awhile ago, but he hasn’t yet found the strength to peel himself off the floor, nor does he feel steady enough to guarantee his legs won’t buckle underneath him as soon as he’s upright. On any other day he’d have someone with him, wiping the bile from his chin, the tears from his cheeks, rubbing his back as he choked up what must be the 100th mouthful of sick this hour (by his own biased estimation). But today? He is alone. Not that it is anything other than his own fault, mind, but that doesn’t make the absence hurt any less. He screws his eyes tighter shut, tears burning behind the closed lids, yet refuses to let them fall. Breathe in. Out. In. Out. Let it pass. I did this, he thinks. It’s been four days. Four days since the argument. Four days since she swept out of their apartment, stone-faced but barely holding back tears. Four days since he ruined everything. The release is not deserved, in his addled mind. Besides, even if he did permit himself a few shuddering sobs, or (god forbid) to actually cry, there’s no one there to help him through it, and he doesn’t think he can get through that kind of thing alone. And right now he is so very alone.

Minutes pass, or maybe hours. Could even be days, for all he knows. He almost begins to doze off when a familiar voice startles him bolt upright. A voice he didn’t expect to hear again anytime soon, or perhaps ever, if there was any justice.

“Come here often, stranger?”

Stranger. He knows she’s… well… “joking” isn’t the right word exactly, but he can hardly think of a better one. Still, it hits a sore spot in him, and he swallows before turning bleary eyes toward her. He can hardly stand to look at her face for more than a split second. Can’t even look her in the eye. Useless, is what he thinks, but says instead:

“Oh yeah. Hang out here like this all the time, sometimes multiple times a day, ‘specially for the last couple.” He tries to effect a bright tone, but the raspiness of his throat and the guilt in his chest make it fall flat. “I’m one of the regulars, you know.”

“Yeah? Nice place, is it?” she asks, her own voice similarly flat, but betraying none of the emotions it concealed.

“Oh, the best. One of the hidden gems in this part of the city.” The distance this scenario puts between them is welcome, allowing him to engage with her from an impersonal context. “Great atmosphere.” He gestures weakly to the water-stained walls, dingy floor, and sick-splattered toilet. “And the constant buzz of activity really makes a person feel a part of things when they’re going it alone,” he adds, nodding toward a mouse hole in the wall, behind which faint skittering can be heard in the momentary silence between them.

“I can see why you like it.” She doesn’t move from her place in the doorway. A pause. The air seems to fizzle with unspoken emotion, but clings heavy in his throat when he starts to open his mouth to fill the silence. She beats him to it, however.

“So, you’re going it alone then, stranger?”

Stranger. There it is again. The pang of guilt accompanies it once more. They may as well be. He wouldn’t blame her one bit if she considered them strangers after what he said, but these thoughts barely have time it form before she continues:

“What’s been happening these past few days that brings you to this quality establishment so often? You don’t look too good.” Her face remains unreadable as his eyes flit up to take in any expression, any hint at all of what she might be feeling before darting away again.

“Oh, the usual. Working my day job at a little shop near here. Taking in the local pub scene. Exploring the gourmet cuisine offerings. Wonderful nightlife, this place.” The mere thought of the cheap booze and dodgy food he’d been filling the void with the last few days almost sends him reeling back over the toilet, but he manages to bite it back, forcing a tired half-smile instead.

“Oh? Seems like a lovely couple days, by all accounts,” she says. “So what’s got you looking so rough, then, stranger?”

“Well…” he pauses, emotion tightening the back of his throat. A small breath. He composes himself. “I, uh…” his voice starts to catch again, but he presses on. “I lost my best friend.”

The last word comes out strangled and terrible, and for the first time he looks her in the eyes. She holds his gaze, eyes steady and unwavering, until he takes a shuddering breath and breaks away, rubbing his cheek against his shoulder to brush away a tear that spilled out there.

“Oh?” Her voice is gentler this time. “I’m sorry. That sounds difficult.” She’s giving him an opening to talk about what happened without having to confront her, and he takes the opportunity gratefully.

“Yeah,” he laughs wryly, but the sound sticks in his throat and comes out as half a sob. “Yeah, I, uh… I said some things—awful, terrible things—and the second the words left my mouth I wanted to take them back.” A shuddering breath. “But I couldn’t!” Another strangled chuckle, and he shrugs his shoulders a bit. “Because you can’t, ya know? Once they’re out there—“ he gestures vaguely to the empty space between the two of them (it feels so much greater than the meter or two it is in reality) “—there’s no reeling them back in.” Tears start to spill down his face in earnest. A long pause. “I think I really hurt her.” His voice breaks badly, and he looks up once again to meet her measured gaze, if only for a second before a choked sob wracks his frame and his eyes flick down to bore holes in the grimy floorboards.

She stands unmoving, unspeaking, allowing his emotion to fill the silence. When she doesn’t respond, he continues:

“I just—“ He tries to regain composure, and fails. “—just wish I could let her know how sorry I am, but it’s not the kind of sorry that words could ever hope to convey.” He focuses on the floor between them, and one of his hands grips his thigh so hard he’s certain it will leave a mark. Another broken laugh escapes him before he stills and, voice hardly more than a hoarse whisper, adds “But she’s gone now,” allowing himself to re-engage in the context of strangers meeting. “And I don’t know what to do. And I don’t know what to say. And I wouldn’t blame her if she never wanted to talk to me again, but I miss her and I’m just… so sorry.” Another pause as his breath comes in shallow gasps around stifled sobs. “I’m sorry.”

Finally, she moves. Not toward or away from him, but she adjusts her position in the doorframe, shifts her feet a bit, and as he looks up in response, it’s her turn to get to know the floorboards.

“I think,” she starts hesitantly, “that she probably knows. And I think that if she were here, she’d probably tell you that yeah, it hurt. A lot.” Her tone is even, measured, but her eyes betray the pain behind the words. “But I think she’d also say that she cares about you, and even though she needs a little more time, she forgives you.” And for a second, their eyes meet again. Neither of them breathes, neither of them moves, until he turns away to scrub a hand over his face as the tears spill down his cheeks, and coughs harshly when a wet sob catches in his throat. He spits the salty phlegm into the soiled toilet water once the fit ends, and wipes the tears from his eyes again with his sleeve, sniffling.

She closes the distance between them and flushes the toilet, which he had neglected to do after his earlier bout of sickness.

“You know, I think she’d also say to take better care of yourself.” She pulls a handful of tissues out of the box on the tank of the toilet, and presses them into his hand when he reaches up to take them, using her other hand to hold his in place for a moment before releasing it with the tissues. He stares at her for a beat, not processing the fact that tissues had been passed during the brief contact. “And to blow your damn nose,” she added when he remained motionless, shocked by the gentle touch.

He comes back to reality with a soft oh! and rustles the tissues around as she turns on her heel to leave, but stops when she pauses in the doorway. She hesitates for a second.

“I missed you, too,” she says softly. “Don’t do it again,” before leaving the room without a look back.

He hears gentle clattering around their apartment as she starts to pick up the pieces of their life together, and he listens in silence, staying in his place on the bathroom floor a while longer before finally allowing the tears to flow unhindered as he leans back against the wall and brings a shaking hand to his face. He must doze off there after a good long while, because when he awakens he’s still there, slumped awkwardly and painfully against the bathtub, but there’s a blanket around his shoulders, and the box of tissues is on the floor next to him.

[voidcat]

— for a moment, I parry

characters: gojo satoru/reader

genre & word count: angst, slice of life, closure if u squint – 5.2k

notes/warnings: discussions of death, dying, drowning, attempting to murder someone. mc p much trauma dumping to gojo at one point. that one theory regarding love and cursed techniques being passed down is implied. timeline is not linear. this fic takes place few days before the shibuya arc. Song is Люди by Дайте танк (!)

a/n: the warnings are listed above so please try to avoid reading this fic bc discussion of those topics take a good chunk of the middle of this fic. normally I keep things vague but I find this one my heaviest? fic- as in most effective in bringing your mood down. regarding the “love and cursed techniques” theory, if u don’t know u can ask, I’ll explain w context of this fic

i. the night slips right out of your hands

ii. the sea in your palm; and love, the greatest curse of them all

The sun shudders above, rays of light and warmth spreading, stuttering.

In the distance you can hear the first years run around and yell, cheerful chatter, sounds of joy and teasing fill the air.

Have they never been given a time off like this? A moment's breath, allowed to rest?

Yaga was an agreeable man at least, though he didn’t accept it all so easily.

A day off for the first years, and for second years another day. The requests for exorcisms have severed as of late, this was a time as good as any.

Turning up the volume of the song slightly, you watch the kids as they splash water at one another, run and swim– typical teen activities a group gets to at the beach.

Reaching out for the can, you let the liquid dissolve on your tongue, the cold, numbing sweet feeling spreading all over.

Gojo appears a little later, holding more cans with him, tossing the alcoholic beverage your way, cracking open what seems to be fruit soda for himself.

He raises the can and shoots you a grin, as if saying ‘cheers’ and gulps down what you assume to be half the contents.

Blindfold ditched for the sunglasses sitting perched on his nose, the look almost brings you back to your younger times.

At least he looks presentable enough, lest anyone else drops by.

The thought itself catches you off– why would you care, now of all times? Why would you think about your teenage years as if it was a lifetime ago, as if you only witnessed it from the audience.

A finger poking your bicep from the side, you push away the thoughts and turn to where the interruption came from. 

“Where did you go just now?” he pokes one more time as you try and back away slightly to evade his index.

“I’ve been here this whole time.” your voice comes out neutral but a slight eyebrow raise keeps the confusion clear.

His chuckling only makes it rise higher. “I am well aware of that.” he brings his soda to his lips and you decide to refocus your attention on the kids.

You know better than to entertain Gojo, or further feed into whatever he has to say– or does not have.

You have conflicted, and complicated, feelings when it comes to being around Gojo Satoru. Or so you've decided early on, from that lifetime before.

Sure, he is the strongest, and quite irresponsible, still manages to get the job, work when it matters and work hard.

For all the awful teaching skills– or lack of it, would be a better way to describe, you can tell from your limited time around that he cares about his students. And his methods, as stupid as they are, work. How can they not, when experience is the best teacher after all?

All in all, despite being one of the most irritating, demanding, petty, spoiled and persistent people in your life, he was a good man.

At least, he hadn’t done anything that would disprove that, yet.

The thought of it alone was unnerving.

He was unnerving, to be around.

For all the responsibility, pressure and just the weight alone of his techniques, he still seemed intact, no more of a mess than you are– and that was telling enough.

And yet, being around him was something you were not a fan of.

Being with him, in a crowd, among people, in front of people, that was even worse.

“There it is again.” His voice draws you back, “where did you go this time, Robin?”

Nose scrunched up at the nickname, you opt to ignore him.

You did not like being Gojo Satoru, you had decided years ago. His behavior even today held proof to that decision, making you somewhat grateful for your intuition, and for him to keep acting like whatever this is, giving you more the excuses to stay as far away as work allows the two of you to be.

“Are you a Larvivora akahige?”

Confusion seeps through your entire being. Why would anyone mistake you for a …bird, was it?

“Because you’re robin’ my heart!” 

A second, another one, a needle drop worthy moment and the horrifying pun was said in quite the awful English, the messy accent on purpose and all.

Above all, you do not like the implications as to why your technique never held even a sliver of effect on Gojo Satoru since day one.

“That was quite the song, you know.” There he goes, again, filling the serene silence of the sea, the noises coming from the kids and the sound of heat waves radiating.

“The one you danced to with Kugisaki?” He adds in, tone more of a question this time.

Attempts of being civil can be rewarded once in a while, especially when it is Gojo Satoru in question.

A curt “Thanks.” He should be grateful he is getting this much now.

Yet the sound of his chuckle filling the air shows that he is choosing arrogance over gratitude.

“Interesting lyrics, too.”

“I wasn’t aware you knew Russian.”

“Who says I do?” He replies. You resist the urge to steal a glance this time, knowing full well the stupid grin on his face that awaits you.

“With techniques such as yours, one would go and learn several languages, expand their knowledge of things and all.” you mutter as you take a sip.

“And what makes you think I don’t?” He asks again, his voice lower than before, head tilted forward, his eyes peeking from behind the glasses. the grin morphed into a smirk, waiting for the fish to take the bait.

Well you are no god damn fish, as his stupid nickname for you has attained that much.

“Relax, I saw the song title on your phone and decided to Google it. I must repe-“ “Guess I’ll bring a walkman or a radio next time.” You cut him before he can finish.

You do not want his emphasis, nor that knowing smile, the arrogant face that claims he knows everyone and everything, anywhere all at once.

Not today, not when the weather is lovely and you’re by the sea.

“Oh, so there will be a next time.”

He sounds enthusiastic about it already, ready to pack his imaginary bag for the idea of a second get away.

Always count on Gojo Satoru when it comes to slacking off.

“Maybe.” You decide to inquire, “one you will be excluded from. That, I can attest to.” A swing of the can and you gulp down the last of its contents.

From the increasing volume of the voices, you can tell the kids are retreating for the moment. 

Getting up, you toss the can into the trash bag.

Eyes locked on your form intensely, you can feel his gaze burning a hole.

Watching intently, waiting for the opportunity, to do whatever it is he set his mind to this time. Because god forbid Gojo Satoru could ever allow a day to be ordinary, just, no conflict present.

“Don’t.” you hiss, watching as he tilts his head to the side, almost touching his shoulder comically. “‘Don’t’, what?”

You squint your eyes at his fake innocence. “Don’t go around, acting like you’re ready for something you have no idea about.” your index shaken in the air, scolding the manchild before you. 

“Don’t talk as if you know anything,” you spit the words, his gaze behind the shades only making your mood worse. “Don’t act as if you’re seeing some big picture- some secret to uncover. Seeing things that aren’t even there!” Once the words come out, they leave one by one, each on their own, each a sentence of themselves. There is no ‘whole’, no integrity, some so desperate to be free, they get out stuttered. You barely notice your hands thrown into the air, pinching the bridge of your nose, every breath deepened. “You don’t know shit just because you got the six eyes!” out of breath, you can sense your throat starting to grow raspy. Having limited your talking just worsens the situation. 

Is this the most you’ve spoken to him, with your own words, in your own voice?

Allowing your head to fall, you let out an exasperated sigh, gulping to smooth out your throat even just a little.

“Don’t act like yo- as if you understand.” the rest leave barely in a whisper.

At the sudden burst of what you prefer not to name, he sits the same, looks the same, stares the same. Azure eyes swirling with everything and nothing all at once, observing you for your next moves.

“I’m going for a walk.” You announce to no one in particular.

But the snow colored participant seems to take the sentence on himself. “I’ll come with.” 

He stretches and tosses his empty can without even sparing a glance at the bag.

The silence resides and you weigh your options as the kids approach.

Pettiness wins over for the second time in that moment.

“I don’t need you to watch over me.” Head turned back, you look at his glasses. 

The words you want to utter hang by your tongue. 

I dont need a babysitter.

I don’t need a reminder of last year.

I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.

There is no else on this deserted beach but us, I can handle myse-

“I just like having you around.” He says nonchalantly, as if it is nothing, shrugging as you turn harshly to fully face him.

“And it’s always a bonus to piss you off.” 

And here returns the Gojo Satoru as you know, as everyone else, mocking, immature, annoying, a fruit fly that will not stop pestering you, hovering around your ears, buzzing until there is no tomorrow.

Feet sink into the sand with each step taken.

The igniting warmth of the absorbing sand and the coolness the waves bring to your feet whenever they desire, you walk with eyes half closed, feeling the breeze, inhaling the salty scent of the sea, of the birds nearby and far away chirp, the seagulls a decade ago shriek.

You can see that red moon again if you close your eyes just a tad tighter, travel back into the moment, of the wind kissing your skin, of music in one ear and the sound of the world, lively and lived in, another.

The harsh sounds of another set of feet caving into the sand and pulled out forbids you from touching the memory.

At least he keeps his mouth shut.

Hands dipped into cold gooey earth, you watch as Satoru looks at you horrified.

Palming as much as you can of the substance, you slap your hand on his shoulder with a loud smack and give a reassuring smile.

His scowl only pulls downwards.

It takes a little convincing, and a lot of smiles, sweet expressions and docile voice, you’d rather not give him yet at the end he yields.

Shoulders slouched down, he crouches to get a feel of the clay and slowly smears some on his body.

“Not so bad now, was it?”

He answers in a grumble, making you laugh in return.

It’s worth getting all dirty, smeared in who knows what if it’ll make you laugh like this more.

Seeing his struggle with his face, you take a step closer, fingers lightly touching his cheeks, forehead, tracing his nose, his cheekbones and chin.

Would it be cheating to poke fun at your blush under the clay? Not that he needs the six eyes to know but you’d definitely accuse him of that either way.

“Now what?” “We sit and wait for it to dry– or walk.”

As much as walking by the sea is good exercise, feeling the shy waves of the sea touching him, he chooses to sit.

This way it won’t be a ‘will it, will it not?’ about the waves reaching out all the way to you.

Hands placed behind, you lean your weight against them and raise your head to face the sun– resembling a cat taking a nap under the sun.

That cat, he should say perhaps, it’s not a scenery he viewed often after all.

You watch the sun behind closed eyes and Satoru watches you, your watching, your waiting.

Maybe he shouldn’t have ditched his jacket, this way he could avoid getting a full on, involuntary, amateur spa day from your hands.

Sure, as if he has ever rejected anything coming from you in his entire life, he knew exactly what he got himself involved with.

Even if you are aware of the eyes giving their full attention on you, you do a great job at acting you don’t care. Though your body tells him you are at your own world again, lost in your head.

When you tire of it, or finished with it, you blink a couple of times to readjust to the bright sun, using your forearm for a makeshift shadow over your eyes.

Satoru doesn’t expect you to make much of a conversation after that honestly.

Your silent, non hostile, company is enough.

Maybe the universe truly loves him, maybe you’re in a particularly good mood because of where you were a little while ago.

Because you don’t budge when he lightly elbows your arm, popping the same question from, “Where were you just now?”

When your lips part, you talk of the sea, of the beaches you’ve been to, of living by the sea and visiting it often.

You talk of your mother, and how she found a spot of clay one day midwalk, deciding to spend your hours there that day. How you’d watch when you were little, the way she’d make a clay mask and apply it on her face, fingers working in the same way and order yours did when you applied his.

Days by the beach, breakfasts and brunches, of sunsets spent together with a glass of wine and laughter, sometimes tears of your own in silence, and an arm that wraps around you after.

Sweet, salty, heavy air of the summer, of the gentle sea breeze stroking your cheeks lightly, the sun burning your skin as you’d run away or fall asleep.

You sound as if you’re somewhere else as you talk, a veil over your eyes he can spot, watching something play out only for your eyes.

Are you reminiscing about the past now? Thinking of the good old days when you were just a child, no worry, no curses, no tedious jobs or fellow adults to handle?

Of sunsets and meteorite showers, he learns you like the beach, a lot.

You talk about the body of water as if it’s where you came from.

“It could be partially true, like, the amniotic fluid mimicking water, considering evolution and all.” you muse.

“We could check for a meteorite shower happening tonight.” Satoru offers at one point. “Jujutsu world won’t be on its demise just because we return a few hours later than planned.” his voice comes out louder, almost in a whine when he practically feels you frowning at the idea.

And so you talk, and keep on talking, mindless and conscious, of small things, things that do not matter, afterthoughts and random things your brain locked away into your memory.

You talk and Satoru listens, taking in every word, saving it all away at a certain part of his brain.

It is only the sound of the waves washing over, and your voice occasionally to fill the void.

And he savors every word leaving your lips.

Against the melody nature makes, your voice comes out silent and meek.

“I tried to drown myself once.” 

You say it like it’s nothing. The ‘you know’ you must've contemplated to put at the beginning or the end ringing clear in his mind.

No, I do not know. 

Satoru turns his head slightly to see you, only to find you staring at a random spot in the distance, watching each wave chase one another, grow bigger and faster.

“The view is beautiful down there.” You say, as if this eases the situation somehow.

Rainbow shimmers down, rays of light twinkle, lit and gone in milliseconds.

The waves shiver above, create the illusion of something more, something warm yet just as cold.

“To see from under the water as if you’re above ground. Of course I didn’t stay under much, there was no water flooding my lungs. Just the waves pushing me toward the shore and pulling me back.”

Gojos eyes stay locked on the horizon, doing everything but picturing the image you are describing out to him.

“Dunno.” You mumble “I suppose I was light enough as a kid for the sea to throw me around like that.”

Shouldn’t such a scene raise worry in an instant? He finds it odd no one had noticed.

“Did you know,” your voice comes out much lighter and alive, a tone similar to when someone recalls something random, something unrelated or long gone. “You can never choke yourself to death, the survival instinct kicks in, you cannot hold your breath long enough to finish the job, neither can you strangle long enough…”

A thin fish with prints of a tiger, swimming away in a long stripe, how clear the sea looks, the sand looks bottomless as shadows of water falls upon. 

You must’ve lost the fun in ‘fun fact’, that much your words prove to him.

Warm like the winter sun, the breeze gently stroking your skin.

“Don't get me wrong” you continue to speak in the same tone. “I didn’t have a death wish. I guess I was just curious,”

The use of past tense does nothing to help your case “bored,”

You speak steady, holding each word in, contemplating, waiting, is this an ambush, is that what you warned him about?

“It felt nice to be close with the sea like that, closer than i've ever done with air. Maybe that was my reasoning, though which kid needs a reason for the deeds they commit?”

The silence sits heavy between the two of you.

The serene air to you waits and dispels at the same time, in an instant, without showing itself, loud, quick, gradually and with time.

So you keep talking whenever your mind seems to reach another memory, and Gojo sits next to you listening to every word that drips from your lips.

No sounds indicating he follows, perhaps that’s what you’ve come to find more appealing.

The blazing sun atop burns into every breath he takes, the greenish gray mud crawls at his skin.

You speak of peaches by the beach, small hermit crabs you’ve come across, how your mother made a fuss when you swam too far away, how you always return to the sea somehow.

Gojo knows that to know a person, to truly know someone, you don’t necessarily need to know the details, or every aspect of their life, every minute of their past they can recall or not.

Knowing someone, truly, genuinely goes past that. It is beyond just the pleasantries, it is about the trust, the comfort, the ease one gets as they exist with in the same space as the other, how natural it all feels.

Gojo Satoru knows you.

He has known you for a long time, despite your shared time together falling short compared to all the years long since passed from the moment you’ve first met.

Yet as you speak, that feeling creeps up behind, around, all over, that he realizes perhaps it was all just the surface level, the scrapped bits and pieces– some pieces of a mask, some pieces he gets a peek through the openings and holes of the mask, how vast yet tiny the shell of earth seems compared to the rest. 

Perhaps that is exactly what you meant by your words earlier. Gojo Satoru gets what he wants, once again, yet he stays silent.

As the outer layer is drilled through and goes deeper and deeper, reaching the cold, lifeless magma that roams inside, ready to burn and hit whatever comes into contact, whatever reaches it, and the driller keeps going, and the man keeps digging, hitting piece after piece of earth with the pickaxe.

Is this the same warmth icarus had felt when he flew a bit too close?

Bad analogy, he is aware of it.

Natural just like grass shivering at the slightest of breezes.

“I tried to kill my father once.” you say softly, like a kid telling their utmost secret to someone that yes, it was them who broke the vase, it was them who ate the cookies when no one was present.

“It wasn’t even with any malicious intent or anything. I just recall not liking the guy even when I was younger. Annoying me, annoying mom…” you let your words trail off.

Gojo knows that, it is quite easy to guess, from your choice of words, from the way you act and hold yourself– how it is her side of the family you’ve embraced the technique off while you are clueless what it is even capable of, the technique you should’ve inherited from his side.

“So one day I just grabbed some bottles ive seen in the bathroom, lotions, tonics, the likes– for face, body, to remove a part of makeup, anything. And just spilled the contents down to his pillow.” allowing your words to cool off, you take a pause, “It is ridiculous to think about it, you know. I didn’t even consider a chemical reaction or anything. I just hoped the awful mix of those strong and bitter scents would do something, I guess. Or that’s what I told myself back then.”

He knows a lie when he hears one, as well.

A lie you’re telling yourself, and to him, while perfectly aware you knew of chemistry and its basics. It was most likely the volatility you didn’t take into account, and whatever products you’ve picked weren’t toxic to begin with.

“Oh well, we all know the pig still lives as healthy as ever.” you say with a shrug, with that shift of tone again, like you’ve walked all the way to a restaurant only to find out it’s closed on tuesdays. ‘Oh well, we can visit again another day.’

A butterfly flaps its wings and nothing happens. A bird opens its wings, one strong swing it elevates and everything changes, the moth with the skull print comes, the course of nature, the evident truth that everything changes at all times remains proven correct once more. A caw the bird lets out and death comes, watching from afar.

When he turns his head to face you, your eyes are slightly ajar, unfocused– somewhere else, lost in your head again.

You do appear a little relaxed, he notes. Probably with the help of the sun and memories of the clay hugging you from all sides now.

Perhaps this is why your technique works the way it does, too lost in your head, for as long as you can remember, since forever, conjuring up tale after tale, escape even just for a moment. How the mask fits like skin, how there is one for each feeling, even the cracks filled with a plaster of sorts to keep the play going just a little longer. Nothing could see this coming, painting, dancing, even singing were the more likely candidates, or so it seemed, or so you appeared for it to be. It is up to the artist to pick the medium, which technique to use. It is up to their soul how they wish to tell the tale, create the feeling, rewrite the world when needed.

Tell a lie long enough and it stops being one.

Sometimes things are simple like this.

No great artist ever settled for a single medium after all.

*

Everyone has their turn with the little speaker one by one, each requesting songs, tilting their heads to the melody– or in Yuuji’s case trying to sing, or rap?.. along. An entertaining sight as well as scary you decide.

Nobara complains about everyone’s lack of tastes after a while, claiming none of these match the vibes, and that your 2014 picks barely fit, best of the worst she deems them.

“There is this specific… genre, I can pick from. Not exactly a genre per se, it’s just this wave of songs that get popular during the summer and are forgotten by the end of august.” 

Your reluctant tone is only met with curious gazes that slowly blink at you.

“Uh…” you pause, “Mediterranean songs?” you suggest then shake your head, “Not like that but– god–” (‘Yes, honey?’ Gojo has made it a habit to cut in whenever you utter the word) “I really don’t know how else to explain.”

When explaining reaches its dead end, it’s better to show and tell, and so you do.

Nodding their heads to the song as they listen with serious expressions and all, the council of first years conclude that yes they do get what you mean and your poor definition actually fits.

A day off by the beach, treats, the cold embrace of the waves and simply existing in the moment… certainly does the trick for the kids.

Wrappings of ice cream from a while ago cast aside but you know Gojo bought extras, stored them in the portable freezer.

(I didn’t know they made milkshakes in plastic wrapping.” you eye the halfway melted white treat. He just shoots you a cheeky grin, “You wouldn’t believe the queue.”

As if sensing the arrival of the sugary cold treats, you can spot the kids getting out of the sea as you open the package, only to be met with a vanilla that looks a bit too cylinderic.

Yet again, Gojo turns a blind eye when met with your glare. Something about having never seen you eat one of the classics when you were students, whatever that means.

Two can play this game, so with a shrug you maintain eye contact and bite into the ice cream with force, teeth and all. His gaze fixated on you, you can see his smile waver, gulping almost in fear. ‘I’ve never felt more uncomfortable in my life before’.

You only laugh in return, the tense atmosphere morphing into genuine laughter and memories that’ll soon be gone.)

Another song plays next, your head moving accordingly, ignoring the curious gazes of the kids as you begin murmuring along to the lyrics.

You can hear one of them whisper about it, ‘hey isn’t this dangerous?’ ‘could they speak this whole time?’

You cannot blame them for their curiosity, that is what keeps everyone improving after all.

“Up until last year, you could not get them to shut up actually.” Gojo jumps in, shaking an index all knowing. “Well,” he tilts his head to the side, “they’d mostly communicate through songs so that was a tad confusing at times.”

“As long as I avoid certain metaphors, or keep my cursed energy at a low level, I can speak.” you say, “And I’ve been feeling fairly good recently.”

Ignoring the curious gazes that only increase in energy and eyes widening, you get up and grab Yuuji’s hand, pulling him up and moving to the song’s melody.

The chorus is moving, easy to sway, to dart steps here and there, to move your body like one of those old time’s dances. The kid picks up in no time, soon giggling and spinning to the instruments.

With the second verse, you go for Nobara. She must’ve not seen you coming, her yelp proving it pretty much. Compared to Yuuji, she is stiffer, guarded. Arms opening wide and closing, you lean in as you sing the lyric about rings and gems, and by the time she warms up, joining you, holding her hat with one hand yet matching the energy with all the same.

When Megumi gets dragged, it’s by everyone and against his will. He pouts and stands but it doesn’t miss your attention how he bumps his feet to the melody, how slightly he tilts his head, even his frown threatening to break into a faint smile.

How the outro begins and you’re dancing to yourself wrapped in their joy and laughter, four people together yet your form standing alone with each lyric repeated.

This is the most you spoke to him perhaps, and yet you look like it was about the weather and nothing else. Is that how disconnected you feel? 

He knows it’s not that, he sees through your “feeling good today” bullshit, that you’ve managed for so long and did no further improvement to keep it under check simply because you go back and forth with feeling.

“Look, about …that,” one year and you still refuse to even acknowledge it, “ I am tired of staying silent for so long, for living with its fear and ‘what if’s.” You pause and take in a breath, eyes tracing the sand that surrounds his fingers. 

“I am grateful for what you did, really. But I will deal with the aftermath my way. It is my burden to carry, my life in my hands spilling down like sand.”

He only nods, what else can he do, when you’ve said in your life for the first time that you’re grateful? And thanking him on top of that… He’ll take what he can, he realizes, when it comes to you. Mouth still slightly ajar, Gojo remains his posture, eyes on you.

“Everything I’ve said here, we talked about today,” you begin speaking once again, eyes looking into his, cold and distant, still faraway, still behind veils. “Forget about them, they never existed.”

It is not a question, a request, one he cannot refuse.

He doesn’t need to check to know you didn’t use your ability, there is little to no cursed energy left inside you, a hollow shell in the shape of a person.

Seeing no refusal rising from his side, your gaze meets the water again, he can still hear your voice talking of memories. He wonders if the scenery today feels similar to that day you’ve found a starfish, only for it to wrinkle inside your palm suddenly.

Your sudden yawn, and arms stretching over your head pulls him out.

Talk about judging you for getting lost inside your head for too long.

Eyeing the little specks of green dusty, you brush them off your leg, only for more crumbs to rain down. “Guess we should take this off, huh?” 

You get up before finishing your words, already making way to meet the waves once again.

It’s a long shot, he knows, and he has asked before, yet Gojo cannot help but wonder if you’ll show more of yourself like you did today. Allow him to read your words, or listen to them come out of your word, with no malicious intent, with survival not being the priority of your brains.

Following you, he gets up as well, “You think it’s alright to do that?” 

He sounds skeptical, one foot in the air, you freeze in a position he’d laugh any other day.

Placing it down, you turn and open your arms in a big gesture, “What comes from nature, returns to nature.”

You wear a smile and keep your eyes closed but in your words, he can hear someone else– the who of it is a mystery just yet.After few seconds of staring, he shrugs ‘fair enough’ and follows after you, back into the body water.

[claywriting]

Look out for me

part three, you can find here the other two:

- first chapter

- second chapter

If you like I wrote another fic of neville, called "Can't always watch your back"

the Y/n is the same

Very, very slow burn

5700 words

neville x f!reader

We left Y/N being in good terms once again with her friends, and indulging into the DA activities, but we know that one group ended in the Ministery at the end of the school year, so be ready to follow them there.

i might have added some parts of the book in a very simil way, if you found them changed is for the sake of my writing

also in this chaptes is mentioned, and showed, Emma Y/n older cousin. it's called Emma because it's the name the developer gave to the main character of Hogwarts Mystery, which in this fanfic is the older cousin of y/n

The office of professors Umbridge always smelled like melted rose scented wax, it was intoxicating, cutting the breath, and leaving whoever confused; of course, the fact that every time she had been there was because she had detention didn’t help, her memories of that place were filled with cough and pain. And now her friends were inside that bloody office. It was only thanks to Neville that she was looking the door from outside, he stood in the middle to defend her, when the Slytherins tried to catch her, alongside with Ron, Ginny and Luna. So she had the time to flew, to “reorganize and think about a better plan”, yes, being alone was a huge impediment, but she was secure that something could be arranged, to took her friends out of that wicked hag hands.

She looked at the door from behind a column, two Slytherins were patrolling the entrance, she thought that was stupid, and that they looked weak enough to take them down. It did help the fact that the two in front of the door were Zabini and Nott, which notoriously weren’t two of the most battle hardened Slytherins, she was quite sure they were there only to scare everyone had the brilliant idea of doing something stupid. Luckly, she was stupid enough to not let the two of them scare her. The only thing keeping her from storming on the pair, hoping that the chaos would deconcentrate the other inside enough for her friends to attempt a run, was that Snape was inside; and she would not mess with him. So she waited, she waited hearing the Umbridge scream, and then Potter scream, and then… Snape came out, and passed right in front of her. He doesn’t even looked in her direction, but just give her a hand movement, a “Wait” not whispered, but just mimicked. Umbridge must have been a pain in the ass for him too, if he was down to help students mess around. She was marvelled, and so she listened. Waiting, she heard the screaming from inside the room growing, and growing, until the professor came out holding Harry and Hermione by their upper arms, but letting them guide her somewhere. The three of them, too agitated, passed in front of her, hidden in the shadows without noticing the silhouette of the girl. She counted until ten, and then decided it was her moment to unleash hell, or, to create enough chaos to give her friends the possibility to try to escape.

Y/n entered the classroom of Defence against the dark arts with her hands above her head. “Hello, gentlemen.” She greeted them, while the two of them pointed their wand at her. She didn’t move, smiling. “No need for those, I’m giving in, so I can be with my friends, and you will have some award or whatever from the professor Umbridge.”

The two lowered the wands, getting slowly closer. “Are you idiotic?” asked Theodore Nott, approaching her, at which she lifted her shoulders. “Are you really giving up like that?”

Zabini stood behind. “Gryffindors, truly are the dumbest in the school.” Commented, while his friend take her by her arm, at which she laughed.

“I would agree with you, but then we both be wrong, and that would be tragic.” Y/n answered with a smile, waiting just enough to be close to the both of them. Her heart was beating at a crazy peace in her chest, she knew that was the right time to act, the both of them had their guards off, so, in the exact second Blaize turned his shoulder to her to open the door of the office she turns herself, unleashing a scream and punching as hard as she could Theodore Nott in the face. The hit was just enough to make the boy loose the grip on the girl, which extracted her wand in a fluid movement and casted a Depulso spell on the other Slytherin boy, sending him crashing on the door. In a matter of seconds, the punched Nott rose and grabbed her from behind, trying to restrain her, but she pointed her feet on a desk, pushing like crazy, and using her full weight slammed him against the wall behind the two of them; freeing herself just in time to cast another spell on Blaize, an Expelliarmus, making his wand flying somewhere in the class. Another Depulso sending him flying into the office door, opening it, and inside she saw her friend taking down the other Slytherins, with magnificent efficiency. She on the other hand, not so clean lowered herself on Theodore Nott, punching his face another two or three times, just to be sure he wouldn’t get up. The little group found her sitting on the chest of the boy, the first still rose in the air, ready to punch more. Two solids hand grabbed her under her armpits to lift her and set the girl on her feet.

“You guys where magnificent there.” She smiled at them, not having time to congratulate properly as Ginny grabbed her by her wrist and started dragging her down the halls, looking for Harry and Hermione. They run till the forbitten forest, and immerged in that obscure pitch, keeping each other by hands, she in front of Neville and Luna, her wand up.

It didn’t take long before they found the two-missing part of the group.

“How did you get away?” asked Harry, amazed.

“Couple of stunners, a disarming charm, Neville bough of a really nice little impediment jinx.” Said Ron, airily, handing back the wands to Harry and Hermione “but Ginny was the best, she got Malfoy; bat-boogey hex, it was superb.”

Ginny had an instant were she gloat a little, but then elbowed Neville, which jumped, she gave him a look and the boy took the world. “But we could not have done nothing if it wasn’t for Y/n.” He fiercely mentioned, making the girl gain the eyes of the other two “she disarmed Zabini and punched Nott in the face till he passed.”

The girl smiled; a bit taken aback from the compliments. “Just, you know, handled it the muggle way.” She laughed softly, gaining a confused look by Hemione and Harry, the only two who really lived with muggles. She and the other pure blood laughed.

The small moment of light air was fast gone, when the group started arguing on how arrive to the ministry and on how none of them should go with them. 

Harry was bickering with Ginny on age, or something like that, when once again Neville took the word “We were all in the DA together” said quietly “it was supposed ato be about fighting You-know-who, wasn’t it? And this is the first chance to do something real, or was that just a game or something?”

“No…” answered Harry “of course it wasn’t…”

“Then we should come too,” said him simply “we want to help.”

The boy wo lived let go a defeated sigh, while Y/n gave Neville a little pat on his back, murmuring some compliments at the boy. It was for short, because in no time the bickering on how to fly to the ministry had resumed, until Luna pointed at two Thestrals, watching the group.

“Yes!” exulted Harry, spotting them.

“You must be fucking crazy.” Commented Y/n at the same time “Those are bad luck.” Luna sent her friend a surprised look, learning that she could see them too.

“Is it those mad horse things?” asked Ron, looking in the wrong direction “The one you can’t see unless you’ve watched someone snuff it?”

“Yes”

“How many?”

“Just enough.” answered Luna, pointing in the middle of the woods, where a group of Thestrals was approaching.

“All right.” Huffed Harry angrily “pick one and get on. We better move.”

The trip was the most terrifying experience she always had, reaching the ground, in London give her a sense of comfort that was only comparable with the one she experienced when as a little girl used to go into her parents’ bedroom after a bad dream. She kept the urge to get down and kiss the ground, not wanting to know what Ginny, Hermione and Ron had felt, flying at that speed while not being able to see their support. “Never again.” Shouted Ron, behind her, and she could agree with him. Ginny and Hermione, stoic as she, didn’t complain about the trip, but just followed Harry, squishing all together into the telephone box.

That, she decided, was the most unpleasant part till that moment, squished between Luna and Neville she huffed, trying to move just enough to get Luna’s elbow from her ribs, but doing so she pushed herself against Neville, which, without thinking passed an arm around her waist, leading her to lift her gaze to meet his. “Are you okay?” she asked, hoping he could read her lips, because no sound left her. But he nodded, and a little smile came out from her lips, while she lifted an arm to brush her hand against the bruise right above his right eyes. He smiled, lifting his shoulder, like to say it’s not big deal.

The descend was brief, and in no time all of them found themselves in another lift, getting even down in the Ministry, she eyed Hermione and Ron keeping each other hands, even if they didn’t looked aware, she furrowed her brows and elbowed Ginny, to make her look at them, at which she lifted her brows till they almost disappeared inside her red hair, the two young girls exchange a knowing look, before moving their gaze away. When the doors of the ‘Department of Mysteries’ opened she let the other go first, Harry followed by Luna and Ginny, while she kept a little distance, before grabbing Neville by the wrist, making him turn around, confused. She looked at him from below, seriously, “I’m gonna get all of us out of here.” He let go a little smile and moved his hand to held hers, giving a little squeeze.

“You already get us out from Umbridge office. I have no doubt.” He started walking, but stopped after not long “But… don’t do anything stupid. Please.”

The two followed the other inside an all-black circular room, black the floor, the walls, the ceiling, with blue candle sending their cool light every so often.

“Do they hire someone to make this place as terrifying as possible?” muttered Y/n, with half voice.

“Shout the door.” Said Harry at the same time, at which Neville obeyed. In a second all of the walls started moving around them, the circular room rotating on herself. Hermione let go a little screech grabbing at Harry’s shirt, while Ginny snatched Luna and Ron; leaving Neville grasp at Y/n’s hand, while she already had her wand in hand. After a few seconds the doors stopped moving.

“Was what that about?” asked Ron

“I think it was to stop us from knowing which door we came in through.” Answered Ginny.

It was no long before they decided to test all the doors, going into all of them and then stopping at the third one, struggling to open it, only after Harry take a knife out of his robe that they were able to go through.

“Who would have known,” commented Y/n ironically “Potter, the bad boy carries, a knife.” This earned her a small laugh from Neville and Ginny, as well as a stern look from Hermione, after which she moved her finger to her lips, telling her to be quiet while they all reached another door.

“That’s it.” Spoke Harry, leading immediately to all his friend to stiffen and grabbing their wands, now more serious than before. He softly pushed the door, that opened in what seemed to be another gigantic storage for little, opaque glass orbs. They walked in silence, especially after Harry told them to keep their wands ready, not the best inside a dark, cold and generally spooky place. Harry was first, followed by Hemione and Ron, which kept sending his sister worried looks, but Ginny was keeping tightly Luna’s hand. Closing the line Y/n and Neville had their hands interlocked, and their wands out, already set on the plan he protect, she attack.

The tension started to broke when Harry found a orb with his name on it, determined to take it nothing of what his friend said was useful to keep him from closing his fingers around it, Y/n later would have shout him “Not everything with your name on it must be your, idiot.” She was just about to scold him when a drawling voice spoke behind her, freezing her on the spot.

“Very good Potter. Now turn around, nice and slowly and give that to me.”

In no time they were surrounded by Death eaters, Harry talking to Lucius Malfoy was clearly trying to buy them time, enough time to came out with a plan to run away. She panicked on the inside, only a tear and shaky hands to prove how terrified she was. She always tough she was a brave one, but in that moment al she wanted to do was return a little child, and run to her mothers stretched arms, to be cooed into a placid sleep, secure against her mother chest, with his father’s arms surrounding both of them, making her feel safe. She always thought she was brave, but when the female death eater, Bellatrix, spoke about grabbing the little girl one, she heard her heart skip a beat, not knowing which of the three fourteen years old was she talking about. Neville reacted faster than her, as an arm stretched to grab one of the girls he promptly pushed her behind him, shielding her with his body, while she found herself in the middle with Ginny and Luna, terrified.

She heard them whispering something and after some other seconds she saw Hermione moving her wands, as the four older screamed Reducto a hand grasped her wrist, and all of them started running. In no time she loose sight of Ginny and Luna, her hand attached to the Neville’s one, which was pulling her in the general direction of the door from which they came from, she was completely crying by that time, shouting every so often some spell that caused explosion that she hoped, served to confound their attackers. They crashed on Harry and Hermione, which sealed the door behind them, and, all-thogether started walking, looking for Ginny, Luna and Ron.

They all flew out of the first door, where two death eater waits for them, with marvel she looks at Neville use an almost perfect expelliarmus on both a death eater and Harry, and then slam a showcases full of hourglasses in the head of the man, which found himself with a head shrinking, until it became the one of a toddler, while Harry and Hermione took care of the other. Just before going over Harry rose his wand at the weird baby-man, just to be stopped by Hermione.

“Harry!” she cried “You can’t! It’s just a baby.” The boy looked at her, and then lowered his wand. Just to be surpassed from Y/n, which rotate on herself sending a kick right in the face of the baby-man, sending him on the floor, unconscious. “Unfortunately, I don’t have an Hermione who keeps me on the right path.” She muttered passing over “That was for trying to avada kedavra my friend, bitch.” She added, grabbing Neville by the hand, and leading him, now more confident. She had promised to keep him safe just to panic and force him to protect her, unacceptable. They flew into another corridor, where two more death eater were met, trying to deflect them into a office resulted useless, as the two stormed in before they manage to close the door. Hermione had the good idea to silence one of them, and Harry got the other, but then the first hit Hermione with a spell, and the three of them watched in horror her falling, motionless. The man pointed the wand at Harry’s face, while the boy had a step back. Y/n watched, with even more horror, Neville coming out from behind the desk where he was shouted from the death eater previous attack and receive a kick in the face that not only broke his nose, but made loose his wand, that was fast crushed under the man’s foot. As he moved back to Harry, and the boy lifted the prophecy she saw her moment, in a rush she moved her wand, screaming a “DEPULSO” that sent the man flying into the wall, and then down on the floor, unmoving. She lowered her wand while Harry and Neville got closer to Hermione, controlling her state, still alive.

In silence they shoved Hermione over Neville’s shoulders, and they came out, Harry first, Neville in the middle, and Y/n closing the line, ready to shout spells to everyone, friendly or not. They returned to the first room, and after some seconds one of the door bursts open, Ron falling out of it, followed by a white as a ghost Ginny and Luna who was… just confusing as always. “I think she broke her ankle.” Commented the blonde looking at Ginny’s foot while Ron babbled like he was drunk. “He is your best friend.” Commented Y/n surpassing the red boy and going to lift her friend, passing her arm around her shoulder. “Here, Gin, let me help.” The redhead let go a cry of protest, but in no time collapsed against her best friend, which looked at her with a little smile. “C’mon, I’m not letting you here to die. Don’t force me to carry you on my shoulders.” She laughed softly, having a moment of air, before other five death eater showed up, the group run though a door, leading back in the room of brains.

“The doors!” Harry screamed, and all the still useful persons in the group bolted to sigillate them, it didn’t took long before Luna gets shout down, and then Ginny. In the middle, back against Back stood Neville, Harry and Y/n, their wand pointed to the death eaters, while not away from them Ron were gasping for hair. The silence was terrifying, while the adults get closer and closer, Harry had a rush, bolting out of one of the doors with the prophecy firmly in his hand above his head.

“Harry!” screamed Neville

“Potter!” shouted her, as the two of them watched him being followed by the majority of death eaters, leaving the two of them alone. “Satay here.” Ordered the girl getting up. “help Ron, the other too. I go with him.”

“Do!” barfed him, difficult to understand with his broken nose and the mouth full of blood. “I go.”

“Don’t be ridiculus Neville,” she pointed at him “you don’t even have your wand. Just stay here.” She told him before rushing to the direction that harry had taken, she managed to do three steps or so when she heard Neville scream something, and her legs become stiffed. An impediment Jinx. She watched in horror Neville sending her a sad smile before surpassing her, while she remained on the floor screaming at him to come back, her hands stretched, but the legs as stiff as rocks. She moved, crawling, in the direction of Ron, on the floor that was losing against the brain. She looked at him, becoming purple and for a second or two the panic possessed her, asking herself what could she do, she pointed her wand coping the movement she had seen Professor McGonagall do and shouted “Evanesco.” Incredibly, that worked, the brain disappeared from Ron’s body, leaving the boy the possibility to breath. She then moved her wand pointing to her and casted a counter-jinks, smiling at herself, if Neville really though she didn’t knew the spell she must lecture him, as Y/n get up she sent a look at the girls preparing herself to reanimate them, being the daughter of two healers had taught her some tricks and tips, but an animalistic scream pierced her hears. The voice of Neville screaming make her turn her head, now forgetting about all her friends, unconscious on the floor; she bolted trough the door and down the steps, only thinking about coming to him, her wand tightly in her hand, when she emerged the chaos was unleash around her. Death eaters were fighting against two professors, Tonks, and another man she didn’t know. In an angle the death eater she had hit before was shaking Harry, Neville right under them lifted just enough to stick Hermione’s wand in his eyes, sending him back. And she watched in horror as another one lifted his wand aiming at him.

She bolted, her wand forgotten in her hand, and just tackled him, sending the both of them on the floor. Once again that evening she lifted her first to punch someone in the face and crashed down. The hand sent a bolt of pain up her arm, but she punched him once again, her eyes full of tears as she screamed. After one hit or two a hand grasped her by the scuff, lifting her, and she faced a wand, blurry behind the tears in her eyes. Without even thinking she sent a kick and moved her wand casting the first spell that came to mind. “INCENDIO!” She shouted sending the man in front of her burning, only in that moment a hand crashed on her shoulder, not vicious, but proud and protective. Tonks next to her sent her a smile. “Great work Kiddo. Your cousin will be proud.” Y/n let go a sigh an hugged her very briefly “Now grab the two idiots there and run, let us handle there.”

“Is she here? Emma? Is she here?” Tonks sent her a knowing look, before pointing a few meters to their left, where Emma, Y/n’s older cousin, was handling alone two death eaters. She was, in fact, handling the situation quite good enough without any help; but when Shaklebolt stood next to her, helping the fight was finished in a blink of eyes. It didn’t take long for Emma to spot her cousin, bolting from one side of the room to the other to hug the younger Gryffindor. “Oh, my! Y/n, what the hell are you doing here, darling?” she takes a step back, pressing her hand on the side of the girl face. “Oh, look at you, this will leave a mark I’m afraid.” The auror whispered caressing the cut next to the eyebrow of the girl. “And how have you grown since this summer,” she moved her wand, stopping a spell that was going in their direction. “I AM TALKING.” She shouted returning the spell, just before Tonks stood in the middle.

“Listen,” called the pink haired “we could use a hand if you had finished your family meeting.”

“Coming!” responded Emma, giving one last hug to her younger cousin, and passing a hand into her hair. “She’s right, it’s better if you kids go. Grab the other two and flew out of here, Y/n. Go upstairs we’ll came to catch you when we are done. Now go!”

The young girl sprinted trough the hall, to grasp at Neville wrist, starting to pull him in the direction of the stairs, his legs moving like crazy. She grasped her wand once again and moved over him, casting a “Finite incantatem” to stop the poor boy legs, which returned steady and firm.  He rose, thanking her and let her pulling him out of the battle, leaving Harry slightly behind, not caring enough to control if he was following them.

When she heard Harry shout she moved her head, to look at the boy. She cached a glimpse of him, turning away screaming the name of Sirius Black, before moving with the velocity of a lightning, chasing Bellatrix down a hall. “Harry no!” shouted Neville, ready to follow his friend. But this time she was more ready, in an instant she tightened the grasp on his hand and pointed her wand right to Neville’s neck. “Don’t you dare.” She hissed. “Don’t you dare try to follow him.” repeated tugging him from the hand. “The auror are here, Emma is here. They’ll handle the situation. We, must go and watch over our friend that YOU left.”

“I left them with you.”

“HOW could you think that was a good idea?” she asked, moving her hand to the sky; but starting running in the direction of their friends, without letting the boy go, unsure if he would have followed her.

“I would entrust you with anything,” he muttered “I know you would keep safe anything I would give you.  You care too much to let the other down.”

She stood on the door, her cheeks hot. Neville, now released, moved in the direction of Ron, looking at him with sad eyes, before going to check on Luna, Hermione and Ginny, his hands shoved in his pants, sighing every time he bowed to check on them. It took him a few minutes before turning his head to look at Y/n, still bowed next to Ginny.

“She’ll be okay.” she whispered, coming closer, checking the girl’s vital with expertise, Neville stared in silence, waiting for something more. “I check on the quidditch team all the time,” She grinned softly “you know, the twins looks like they only get sick when there aren’t matches, so I never actually play. I was relegated as a nurse time ago.” She explained, trying to move her thoughts from the battle below them. “They’ll be alright,” she moved brushing her fingers near Neville’s nose “you too, don’t worry. Your profile will remain untouched.”

He nodded, slowly, before turning his gaze on the door, that Emma was just now passing, followed by Tonks. The poor boy jumped back, while the two young women get closer. “Are you okay kids?” asked Emma, and Neville though that she was a carbon copy of Y/n; just some years older. Behind her Tonks sent him a look, and a little knowing smile. He blushed furiously.

“Yes, we are.” Responded Y/n getting up, brushing her broken and dirty jeans, trying to polishing them, not doing really much. The blood was already dry and the dust has settled. “But our friends, they’ll need to be transported.”

Emma just moved her hand, going to hug the two children, she kept them in her arms for a while, in silence before a question came out of her mouth.

“Darling… please tell me those aren’t two Weasley unconscious.”

“They sure are.” Commented Tonks

“Great. Now we have to explain this whole shit to Bill.”

Y/n didn’t set into the hospital wing with her friends, after the battle. She had run away in the moment they put foot in the castle, forcing half of the professors to look after her, and only in the end she let them drag her to the nurse, but just to fix the enormous bump on her cheekbone, and the broken rib she had. The girl had fought like a fury to not let anyone touch the flashy cut that had broken her left eyebrow, asking to let the body doing his own job, resulting in what will be a little scar, that, she joked, would have make her more badass. In the reality she felt to bad, to stay with her friends, seeing Hermione and Ron forced in the beds of the infirmary made her chest ache, and seeing Neville with his broken nose was even worse. So she flew.

When, some days after their return the group sat all together reading the Sunday Prophet she waited right outside the door, listening to her friends’ comments, but not daring joining them, her hands shoved inside her robes pockets. After half an hour she heard some steps, coming in her direction, and fast moved her behind one of the door, not wishing to be seen. Of course, that didn’t worked, Harry stood right outside the entrance to the hospital wing, his hands shoved as well in his robes pocket; he didn’t spare a look at her, just passing by, and she watched him, before moving herself, knowing that in no time the others as well would get up to return to whatever they had to do. She wandered alone in the castle, going up and down the stairs, the corridors, and, in the end, arrived at the astronomy tower.

The warm air of may caressed her face, chilled every now and then by a soft breeze, leaving her in a comfortable temperature, making room for thinking in the silence of the night. The girl extracted her wand, casting some spells making appear some little orbs of light that stayed floating around her, only being moved from time to time by her hand nudging on them.

“Those are beautiful.” Called a voice, making her jump on herself, startled. Behind her Neville offered a smile of sorrow, for the intromission. “I saw you leaving, just after Harry. Why didn’t you came inside? We would have been happy to have you with us, you know?”

She lifted her shoulder “Didn’t want to interrupt.” Is the dry answer she offered, while he came to sit next to her.

“I’ve barely saw you since we came back.”

She sent him an embarrassed look “I… I know, I’m sorry.” She muttered, bringing her legs against her chest, and posing her chin on top of her knees. “I feel the need to throw up when I see Ron and Hermione in those beds. It was worse though, when you all were there.”

Neville nodded, but stayed silent, leaving her the space to keep talking.

“I feel responsible. If I left you in that office…”

“Harry would have gone alone.”

“Perhaps not... Still, Ron will have scars for all his life, Hermione is still taking like ten potions a day.” She muttered “You faced Bellatrix Lestrange, Neville; after what she did to your parents... And I was so terrified that I was almost useless.”

He stood there in silence for a second, then in a feeble voice asked “How… how do you know… about Bellatrix?”

In that moment she knew she did a misstep, widening her eyes she moved her gaze to the boy next to her, which looked as pale as a ghost. “Oh, shit. I’m so sorry… I mean… no, I mean that I’m sorry… I… I swear Neville it was a… an accident.” She muttered, “I… its just that my father has their dossier in his study, and some years ago I found it. I’m sorry, if I knew I would have minded my business. I swear.”

He remained silent, for some time, then passed a hand into his hairs and sent her a nervous look. “It’s… no big deal, I’m just surprised that you didn’t came to tell me. When people discover it they come crying and… tell me how sorry they are.”

“I thought it was your right to keep something so personal hidden.” Muttered Y/n, posing her hand on his forearm. “I… didn’t want to force you to talk about it. If… you would have been comfortable you would have told me, so I just waited.”

He nodded, once again and then offered her a little smile. “For what count, I trust you. And would have trusted you even before, just… I didn’t want to see you cry.”

She remained stunned, “This… is kind of dumb,” Whispered “I’d like if you come to talk to me, about anything. I’ll promise I won’t cry.”

He let go a little laugh, scooting near to her, and she posed her head against his shoulder. “On another side,” he recalled her attention, gaining a ‘Mh?’ from the girl “I think that you fought like a master, at the ministry.”

She smiled a little, pointing her elbow against the boy’s ribs. “You did an amazing job too, but, jinx me another time and I’ll be sure to break your nose once again.”

He laughed softly, nodding “I’ll remember. Your sister scolded you much?”

“My… what?” she sent him a confused look “I… oh, Emma. Yea, no. She isn’t my sister. My older cousin, perhaps. She… yes, she scolded me like I was some kind of kid.”

“You two looked a lot alike.”

“Passing the fact that she is a legend and started working as an auror in a record time? Yes, we look similar.”

“You are a legend yourself, y’know? I’m sure that everyone in the school know how well you fight those death eaters.”

“They would have if you didn’t leave me behind.”

Neville let go a small laugh, at the joke.

“Seriously, though. If… there will be a next time, don’t leave me behind. That were the most terrifying minutes of my life.” She tugged on his shirt to make him look at her “Promise me, promise that you’ll permit me to look after you.”

His face flushed red, while he stared into her eyes, savouring the moment, focused on her lashes, the little spray of freckles on her nose and the curve of that; the shape of her lips. Then, after being sure of having printed in the back of his head the image, he moved his gaze once again on her eyes, that looked like the sky full of clouds before a storm, and, slowly, nodded. “But… you will too.” He answered, while she gets a little closer to him. With his heart that threaten to get out from his chest he closed his eyes, preparing himself for the moment.

The door opened in the loudest possible way behind them, on the entrance Ginny sent to both an angry look. “There you are!” she hissed, getting closer, followed by Luna. “Move, c’mon, dinner is in ten minutes, and you two hides on the damn tallest tower of this damn castle.”

Behind her Luna chuckled “I think we interrupted something.” Spoke in a soft voice.

“Did we?”

Both of them shook their head, red in face, and Ginny huffed annoyed.

After she turned on herself it took a second or two to Y/n and Neville to get up, but when they did in no time she found his hand, gripping into it and reclaiming his attention, she sent him a little smile, not letting go, and the little group descended into the Great hall, ready for dinner and for the start of summer.

[amyisherenowitsokay]

Since you don't get a lot of Tak asks, what are your favorite things about Tak in your stories and/or things to write about Tak?

I don't often write a lot of Tak scenes, but from what I do write, I appreciate writing her stoicism. Tak is similarly analytical in the way both she and Zim were trained to be. I write Zim to have moments of sober, legitimately intellectual thoughts, while Tak on the other hand is purely a strategist. She's got a disdain for the world more sincere than any other pessimistic character in the IZ world.

I like writing an unapologetically vicious, and yet inherently reserved strategist. Tak is practical. She finds opportunities to make the easiest option the most brutal. Why help the Resisty or her fellow Irkens when she could abandon them to their stupidity, and rub it in her Earth nemesis's face while she's at it? Gaz and Zim have similar moments, but Gaz has a conscience that Tak simply doesn't have. Zim adores making a situation actively worse rather than leave well enough alone.

It's partly why I like coupling her with Dib so frequently. Dib is also a strategist, but he lets his enthusiasm and emotional responses get away from him in a way Tak doesn't (or pretends not to). She's an example for Dib, one he can get envious of, or even resentful of. She looks at Dib and sees a scrambling, tenacious, miserably little creature. He looks at her and sees a self-serving, isolated, brilliant brat. She's a fresh voice in any fic she pops up in that shows up to make everyone, even the characters like Gaz who are supposed to be the reasonable ones, seem messy and over-emotional. It makes writing her at her breaking point all the funnier.

[zodiacdragon334]

A not-so-little post for funsies about some of the inspiration behind my fics

Specifically, my two longer fics: "Of the Dragon's Blood" and "Shadows of Years Lost Past"

Fun fact, a lot of worldbuilding behind the Dragons that I've been doing for OTDB (Of the Dragon's Blood, I'm not gonna keep typing that) is actually heavily inspired by one of my favourite game series: Fire Emblem! OTDB specifically takes a lot of inspiration from Fire Emblem Fates, a set of (basically) three games that is known for having a mediocre storyline at best.

Which yes, I do agree with that. But I still liked those games. Phenomenal soundtrack (seriously, listen to A Dark Fall, Dusk Falls, and Justice RIP if you ever get the chance), and the gameplay itself was great. Fates has a lot of interesting worldbuilding behind the three kingdoms of Hoshido, Nohr, and Valla that I drew on for OTDB.

Yes, these games did release in 2016. But just in case, I will still mention that this post will contain major spoilers for Fire Emblem Fates. Specifically for the Revelations path.

Starting with the whole Dragon-blooded ruler idea. Long before the events of Fates, twelve ancient dragons fought each other for control of the world, and they dragged humanity into their war as pawns and tools. They also blood-bonded with their chosen humans, granting them powers far beyond their peers. And even after the dragons shed their mortal forms, their power remained, passed down through the bloodline of their chosen humans.

Sound familiar?

I went with the Dragons being on a lot better terms with each other and not constantly fighting each other . And being more cooperative with humans, fairies, and elves instead of viewing them as tools. In OTDB, the Dragon's blood is also what manifests some of the emperors abilities, including physical traits like natural wings, and other traits as well, like Gem's affinity for magic, for example.

Compared to Fates, the only dragon-blooded characters we see are the royal families of Hoshido, Nohr, and Valla. The royal family of Hoshido (Ryoma, Hinoka, Takumi, and Sakura) are all descendants of the humans that blood-bonded with the Dawn Dragon. The royal family of Nohr (Xander, Camilla, Leo, and Elise) are all descendants of those that blood-bonded with the Dusk Dragon. And royal family of Valla (Azura, and technically Corrin too in a different way), had ancestors who had blood-blooded with the Silent Dragon, Anankos.

(Remember Anankos. I'll come back to him later)

None of these characters show any physical dragon traits, but the power manifests in the fact that they're all easily the strongest units in each of their routes, and the ability to use a gameplay mechanic called Dragon Veins.

These are specific spots on the map that can only be activated by a character with dragon blood to have some effect on the map. Raising and lowering walls of fire, disarming traps, raising or lowering water levels, things like that to make it easier or harder for your army and the enemy to move around and attack.

I considered having a Dragon Vein-sort of thing going on in OTDB, but it didn't really pan out. Didn't make sense. So Dragon blood manifests as physical traits and magical abilities instead.

Now, let me go back to this guy: Anankos. Because Fates is also where I got a lot of the idea of the Dragon madness from.

This is Anankos here as he appears in Fates ^ He's the final boss of the Revelations path.

Basically, those twelve ancient dragons started to degenerate over time. Lose their minds while their physical forms remained. So they cast off their mortal forms and left the world behind so they wouldn't fall victim to the madness. But Anankos in particular loved humanity, and he stayed behind to help build up the kingdom of Valla. But he kept degenerating, and taught the royal family of Valla a song to help slow his descent into madness (Lost in Thoughts All Alone). And the song helped, but it eventually wasn't enough and Anankos killed the king of Valla. Upon realizing what he did, he lost himself fully to the madness.

By the time the events of Fates roll around, he's completely gone and is orchestrating the entire war between Hoshido and Nohr. And Valla is in... rough shape, to say the least:

Anankos completely destroyed the land, and it's now nothing but a series of shattered floating islands, ruins and messed up gravity. The people all died and are puppet phantom soldiers, and Azura is basically the only survivor.

I really do like the idea of immortal dragons, being such powerful creatures, having their minds decay over time until they lose themselves entirely and only animal instinct remains. So the Dragons in OTDB had done what the ancient dragons did in Fates: abandoned their physical forms to avoid going mad. In OTDB though, they kind of exist in an alternate plane, which is where Pix ends up waking the Lightning Dragon when he activates the lightning shrine in chapter 11. I had the idea of the regenerative energy in the totem of undying providing enough energy for the Dragon to wake for a short period of time.

In chapter 11, the Lightning Dragon also talks about what happened to the land they came from before they reached the land of empires. What happened with Anankos and Valla is kind of what I had in mind, where other dragons went mad and destroyed the land. And the Dragons made sure they left the mortal plane before they could do the same to the land of empires. They were afraid, which led them to seal everyone's memories away of the first incursion of corruption, because they thought they were protecting everyone by sparing them the pain.

And that's also why the Ender Dragon is completely mad by the time the Dragon fight happens in Chapter 8. Perhaps that's part of the reason why the End looks the way it does, with all the shattered floating islands.

As for the descendants of the Dragons taking on a human form, that idea came from the Fire Emblem series as a whole, not specifically Fates. There's a people called Manaketes, who are the direct descendants of ancient dragons. They keep to human form, most of the time, but use a Dragonstone in battle to transform into dragon form. This is what they look like in battle in Fire Emblem Awakening, the game that came out before Fates:

And in human form:

This is Tiki as she appeared in Awakening. I have the dragons maintain some dragon traits while in human form in OTDB (wings, glowing eyes, horns). Manaketes in earlier games do sometimes show dragon traits in human form, like Myrrh from Fire Emblem The Sacred Stones:

So yes, the dragons we see as they are in OTDB are basically manaketes. The human form keeps them sane, although a lot of manaketes in the Fire Emblem games do spend a lot of time napping.

Now, I want to talk briefly about one particular scene in "Shadows of Years Long Past" that was also inspired by Fire Emblem. It's the village scene in chapter 7, and I got the idea for that scene from Fire Emblem Three Houses. Its chapter 8 of part 1 of the game, The Remire Calamity, so it appears in all paths regardless of which house you choose.

Sorry, I can't get a better picture.

Basically, there's a group of dark mages that was experimenting on the people in this village and drove them completely insane. They all started attacking each other while the mages just watched until you showed up with your students to get the situation under control.

I know it sounds really weird and concerning when I put it like that lol, but this is not too far from a normal field trip for Garreg Mach.

But anyway, my original plan for that scene was that the villagers were actually going to be attacking each other and Pix and Scott too. I ended up changing my mind on that, and the villagers just ended up being more creepy insane than destructive insane. But it was the sculk-corrupted wizard that drove them to madness like the mages did in Three Houses. Insanity is a pretty major theme in Lovecraftian horror from what I could find, so I went with the idea of the wizard showing them the eldritch horror god of the Vigil, and their minds being unable to handle it. Which is why they were in the state they were in when Pix and Scott found them.

Aaaaand ta da! That's my little essay on how I came up with some of the worldbuilding in my longer fics. It's kind of funny that despite the amount of inspiration and ideas I draw from Fire Emblem, I have not actually written a Fire Emblem fic. I tried, but it never made it out of the outline.

[lesbianrobin]

i was rereading light my way and i'm just curious about how you decided to write eddie as having difficulty forming closer bonds that go beyond doing shared activities together. also in your rockie fic you mentioned eddie never having plans except on certain days. i keep seeing ppl portray the cc boys/older hellfire members as being v close w eddie, and ppl mentioning the list of eddie's friends dustin and max were calling when they were trying to find him as proof that eddie is a social butterfly/v extroverted. i don't disagree but i'm curious about how you decided to characterize him that way.

hi thank u for reading my fics!!

so i know i'm like the odd man out in this and it's entirely just like my own opinion/creative choice like i don't think i'm any more Right than other people. just like to preface my justification. so anyway there are a few different reasons why i went that route!

personally i had a lot of good friends in high school who i literally only hung out with during theatre classes and rehearsals. while we spent a lot of time together and considered each other good friends, we didn't often hang out outside of those activities, and i think that's pretty common as a teenager in school, you know? eddie in particular seems to self-identify as an outsider and he emphasizes hellfire club as a place for "lost little sheepies," which makes me think that maybe he started/joined corroded coffin and/or hellfire specifically to find and keep friends because he struggled to do so otherwise. also, being a DM requires a lot of planning time alone, and so does learning sick-ass guitar solos almost immediately after an album drops, so i think eddie probably spends most of his non-club time either by himself or dealing.

the sheer number of friends they check on when searching for eddie makes me think that eddie is the kind of guy who's outgoing and has a lot of casual friendly acquaintances, but very few people who are actually close to him. in episode one we primarily see eddie with hellfire/corroded coffin, and he is just flat-out performing the whole time. he isn't just having lunch with his buddies in the cafeteria scene, he's holding court. he's putting on a show! it's quite a stark contrast to how he behaves when the group finds him in the boathouse and for the rest of s4, and later in the season we see a far more self-deprecating and unsure eddie. while i do think eddie and the hellfire guys are friends who genuinely like each other, i just don't think they're like... super close. i personally get the impression that eddie is always performing around them, probably because he thinks that being funny and outrageous is What Makes Them Like Him and that he's gotta keep it up or he'll lose them. the fact that he chose to hide out alone in the boathouse indicates to me that he doesn't feel safe enough with any of his friends to have gone to them for help. he didn't think that any of his friends would believe him or have his back, and i think that if he were really close with the hellfire guys, he probably would have gone to one of them first, because i think he was very freaked out by being alone after chrissy's death.

also, on a more practical level, in light my way that just served the story far better. i had zero desire to make up personalities for eddie's friends and write them interacting with the rest of the gang, especially because it would limit my ability to let el just exist as el and let the characters potentially reference Strange Things if they wanted. but of course if they're really close friends of eddie's it would make sense for them to be at his birthday party. so it was just easier to go with the idea that they typically hang out at school and predetermined meetings for hellfire/corroded coffin and that their friendship is relatively surface-level. it also served the emotional arc of the story about eddie finding a sense of belonging! in the rockie fic i put less thought into it, but eddie's hardass nature about lucas missing hellfire in episode one makes me think he's very big on sticking to plans and schedules, and in the rockie fic universe he's become quite good friends with steve and robin, so they can assume with relative certainty that if he's not doing hellfire or with his band he'll be down to hang with them. i imagine they hang out most of the time anyway.

so yeah that's most of it ig?? i also just think eddie is afraid of how people would respond to The Real Him and thus he keeps people at arm's length with his hellfire persona and the only reason dustin and the others managed to crack open his shell and get to the eddie inside is because he witnessed a brutal supernatural murder and was scared shitless. so yeah <3