#like I am just trying to keep myself alive!! why does it constantly try to betray me 💔

[sophiethewitch1]

in my hater era

[caluski]

why does no one care that i am like this, why does no one care ive been suicidal and self harming for most of my life, why does everyone who has ever claimed they love me insists on looking away so i can deal with it all on my own - i cannot deal with this on my own. i want to die, i want to die, i want to die forever, i want to never wake up, i want to be gone, i dont want to be alive anymore, i know im a bad person, i know im a bad person, i know i deserve this, but cant i just die instead of being here and being useless and only a burden to everyone around me. i hate being stupid and ugly and boring, i hate being the one everyone is ashamed of, i hate having no worth inside me, i hate bothering everyone with my desire to die, i know everyone leaves me on my own on purpose, i know people most of the time dont actually forget about me but choose to keep me out of their life. i know i will never matter in any way to anyone, i know that no one will actually ever care, i know this, i know this so well, i just choose to lie to myself so stubbornly, i lie to myself everyday saying such stupid fucking things as "maybe someone will find me tolerable one day" and "maybe i can actually talk to someone one day". all i wanted was someone to be by my side when im going thru it over and over again even if just to distract me from it all, someone who wont get pissed off even though i cry and apologize constantly, someone who will try to wait it out with my without leaving my side. but no matter how much i pray, no matter how much i cry, nothing ever changes for better, im becoming worse and worse, im becoming more and more worthless, im self-victimizing to the point of driving everyone mad, and i have no outlet left, i feel guilty about everything, i feel guilty about being miserable, i feel guilty about being quiet and indifferent, i feel guilty about enjoying the little things, i feel guilty for wanting love, i feel guilty for wanting company, i feel guilty for wanting to be seen, everything is miserable and everything feels so hopeless, i want to die, i want to die, i want to die, even though i know my corpse will be left bloated and rotting in this very bedroom as everyone else remains indifferent at best. and what a fitting match to a rotten life that will be

[kaddyssammlung]

about the new message - second part

“It is the hook upon which we hang our deeds and the bed from which we rise each day.”

We have strange assumptions when you think about them. We all assume certain things all the time. I assume that I will get up tomorrow morning and drink coffee and then walk my dog. My dog needs his walkies and I need my coffee. What if the coffee maker does not work? What if my dog is gone? What if I don't wake up?

You can either constantly be scared about that or “just” step into the now and then you stop thinking about tomorrow morning. And when something “goes wrong” tomorrow then you can try to stay in the now as well and accept what is.

That's a form of alchemy btw.

Love “our alchemy” boy XD

For right now that's what I connect this with but I know myself. I will rewrite this many times just as I do with the way I say the lyrics. Too many layers to unwrap.

And also: I keep screaming into the void how I don't understand the phrase “swallow years beneath this bed and then he comes up with that simile( idk if that's the right word). Now I can add another layer to “years beneath this bed”?! Right?!

“To assume that death is the end is to assume that our being extends no further the physical substrate that carries us.”

Yes, sure. But who assumes that? Or why do you assume that? Who taught that to you? Do they benefit from you believing something like that?

Deep dive into yourself....I sure have.

“This assumption does not account for the way in which we experience being alive.”

This a painful one. I used to strongly feel like I was not alive. Every year on December the 25th another candle was added on the cake and that was is. One more year with the same sh*t. And that was all. “I don't feel alive” is something that I often felt. I had a wrong idea about what being alive means. But I only found that out later in life. All those pressures from society about what life should look like and mine was nothing like it.

Now I feel alive. Especially when I go deep into now and just sit there, no thoughts in my head, focused on my breath, guided by the words of someone that is doing a mediation that I am doing or, more often now, not even that. Just being. Just be. So much easier said then done but that aliveness that I can feel can not even be put into words. It has nothing do with feeling a pressure do to things before I'm dead. Which is kind of what society means with “living”.

“Nor does it sit comfortably aside the fact that we are not yet able to comprehend the way in which our being manifests itself.”

Do you want to me explain real manifestation now?! It has nothing to do with feeling in lack and wanting things so bad. You manifest the opposite of what you want and go further into a state of lack. Idk where to go from here?!

The Higgs boson my Vessel?! I like the name “God particle” instead of Higgs boson. Whatever. I'm kind of leaving this out. I might get back to it some other time.

(first part about it that I wrote)

[dontjudgemeimawriter]

OC in 15

Tagged byy @thegreatobsesso (through my main)

Rules: Share 15 or fewer lines of dialogue from an OC, ideally lines that capture the character/personality/vibe of the OC. Bonus points for just using the dialogue without other details about the scene, but you're free to include those as well!

1.

(to Raymond) “Your careful and my careful are different things.”

2.

(to Mika, about Raymond) "He might end up hating me, but what keeps him safe and alive is none of what he’s told you getting out. To the police or the Syndicate.”

3.

(to Raymond) "I know you don’t like the spell, but I don’t even know who [I am without the focus spell] okay? I’ve been focusing since I let you go. You don’t want the person from before that.” 

4.

Context: Raymond and Terran are talking about why Terran let Jesse live, and also why Terran had in the past let Raymond live/saved his life.

Raymond: “Everyone’s real.”

“Yeah, but you taught me that. Everyone who did feel real to me back then saw everyone else the same way I had. Maybe it was partially because you seemed to care, unlike anyone else did, but ultimately, I think that was it. You were real. So maybe all it took was talking to Jesse for him to be real to me. And I don’t know if that helps, because maybe you’re right that it should be everyone, or maybe it would be better if it’d come from something you said or did…”

5.

(to Raymond) “Focusing isn’t why I worry about things. Do you just not like me telling you what to do?” 

6.

(I'm going to count this as dialogue. It's a thought passed from Terran to Raymond that, as thoughts are, is a little jumbled:)

Tried to (can’t move) found Jodi, tried to free her (stuck) caught— failed— (The Judge) Mika was here, gave them something— mistake— Judge using me to bargain (care about me?)— can’t move— don’t do what they want.

7.

(to Mika) "You and Raymond were so good at knowing what the right thing to do is. I watch you do all this and see how much you hate it, because you know it’s wrong. But I’ve only known that based on you guys’s example.”

8.

(The actual dialogue here is 100% not true. But him lying here imo is a big part of his character. Basically, Terran needs to convince Alex that he isn't a threat, and recently Zachary advised Terran that Alex would exploit him caring about people. His denial here, him lying, in a way, really is about how much he does care. Also, I think it says a lot about him that he can and will solidly deny things like this in order to protect those he cares about. He's basically claiming that he doesn't care if Raymond lives, it was more about rebelling against Zachary than anything else. He ha also stated recently, in his thoughts, that to him, "freedom" is just being with Raymond)

“I want to leave. I want to quit.” I said, turning back to [Alex]. “Disobeying Zachary by letting Raymond live wasn’t the best way to go about it, I admit. But now he’s gotten me what I wanted. And you get what you want out of him. That was the deal you guys had, right? I’m not a threat to you because once this transaction is finished, I have what I wanted. Freedom.”

9.

(to Mika) “I already know enough [about my parents' death]. I appreciate learning about them in the journal, I’d be willing to learn more about who they were, but not this. I don’t want to know how they died. Zachary has taught me a million way to kill someone and he knows a million more. I don’t want to know which one it was.”

10.

(to Rayymond) “I’m constantly disappointing you. I’m always doing the wrong thing, the only difference is lately I’m finding excuses. I’m terrified of Alex paralyzing me again. But when I say you should leave without me, it’s what I owe not just you, but everyone— because I’ve always been sacrificing others for myself, haven’t I? Not even for my own life, just for…approval. The only difference lately is that you’ve become a part of who I’ll sacrifice others for, except you don’t want me to do that, and even if I try I don’t know how to do it. Even if I was ever able to leave, I can’t escape myself— everything I’ve done and everything I still want to do. And maybe we’ll all better off if you and Mika can escape and I’ll no longer be able to—“

I'll leave it there, since it said 15 of fewer, many of these are long, and I'm catching up to where I am. This was a lot of fun, and I definitely want to do this again for Raymond and Mika. I kinda wonder if I can even do it with Zachary. Please feel free to tag me again on this XD.

It's definitely difficult doing a POV character who's so often hiding things. I knew going in that this would most show up when he's talking to Raymond. But going through I saw some Very Raymond lines and Very Mika lines, and I think I talk more about Terran's character here, but I would like to pick out the lines that show the other characters whose only ways of showing their character is their dialogue (and actions).

Tagging @sleepy-night-child @squarebracket-trick @enbydragon02 (ik you might not be far enough in anything for this so you can just look XD) and @drippingmoon

[foxgloveinspace]

Foxglove’s big lore round up:

I made this more coherent over here but I like some of the links in this thing so. We’ll Keep It.

I don't know if this makes since, and honestly it's subject to change again at any time. I might even come back to this post this afternoon and ad things I think about. Might do that A Lot Actually.

I have many different thoughts about Sleep Token. On one hand I have a thought process that the Lore is a fantasy story, used to deal with the trauma of loss. And then I have a thought process that its not a fantasy story, that nothing in it states it as such, and that everything is about symbolism. And then I have a very deep part of myself that wonders, considering I am a bit of a witch, if maybe it’s not even completely symbolism. But then that’s just the idea that Vessel is, in some ways, a practitioner.

Lets begin.

I think the albums are released in order, but possibly the order in which Vessel could process the emotions he put into the songs, and not necessarily the order in which things happened, but I don’t want to look into that cause it makes my brain hurt, and I do like to think its a chronological time line.

First off, we have my og theory/thought process, which is that there was no woman who broke Vessel’s heart, and that its all a back and forth conversation between Vessel and Sleep. I don’t think this way anymore, I do think that some of it is a conversation between Sleep and Vessel, but I do think that someone broke Vessel’s heart, but not in the since that they left him, in the since that they died. And in doing so, left behind a very conflicted Vessel.

I have expanded on this theory/thought, to include that I think Vessel is a fallen god, and that Sleep is trying to help him regain godhood. (Or, behind the fantasy, Sleep is his reason to keep going, whether that's Sleep Token, or some form of coping mechanism or even just a muse or creative outlet, and godhood = leaving behind grief/depression).

My lore is that Sleep is genuine in his want to help Vessel (I use he/him pronouns because the one interview Vessel did he used he/him for Sleep. I think this is on purpose, and for some reason it really puts an upset in me when people use she/her pronouns for Sleep.), I think Sleep genuinely wants Vessel to get better, but Vessel is fighting Sleep because he is still in a place where he wants to deny that anything was wrong with the relationship he had with this person before they died. I think Vessel in some way blames himself for this Important Person’s death, and as such, fell out of grief, and moving on means becoming a god again.

I think theres also Some One Else in the songs, someone who is alive, and who he tried to go to as a coping mechanism, probably an unhealthy one. This is the person who he sings about mostly in TPWBYT, I think it’s someone who tried to help him after he attempted to take his own life.

Now for Fantasy, I still think that Vessel was ‘born’ with powers, but I think it’s because he is a fallen god, weather he was born, as in re incarnated, or if he just fell from ‘heaven’/Olyumpus, that's an entirely different story. I could see both.

Sleep recognizes him first, sees how powerful he is, sees that with Vessel’s help Sleep could both become more powerful, and help a fellow god out, and such he goes to Vessel.

I think that the other gods have turned their backs on Vessel for some reason. I think maybe the person he loves was important to the gods in some way, and now they are dead, and so he is shunned. I think it also has something to do with why he fell. Maybe he was pushed.

And so Sleep and Vessel have a hard relationship because Vessel is constantly pushing back against Sleep, not wanting to heal and move on even though it will be good for Both of them.

I do think Sleep is selfish in the since that all gods are, and Vessel as a human now can see it. I also think that Sleep does want Vessel to use his powers more then Vessel is comfortable with, and that’s another thing they argue about.

I still think that some songs are about trust, and Love = Trust still. I still that Sleep is partially sleep, and that Vessel suffers from insomnia. I am very adamant in my thoughts that One - Denial, Two - Anger, Sundowning - Bargaining, TPWBYT - Depression, TMBTE - Acceptance.

I talk to myself in circles about Sleep Token, and the different themes I find every time I listen to an album and Pay Attention. 

Here’s some links,

My og theory if you want to read it, as some of it is relevant to this post, but also not

Themes I hear from each song (I need to update this again cause theres also a lot of themes of survivors guilt, and I also never got into themes of Water.)

Me and Cass talking about God Mother, and who she might be.

My first post about Vessel being a fallen god

(@a-little-lynx is this the right blog to @ now, or do i still @ the other blog? any way I mentioned you in this post and linked to our conversation about God-Mother I hope thats ok??)

[stp-lying-2-urself-ur-not-hungry]

Why does hating yourself and just being alive have to be such a struggle like I constantly try to find fake happiness and it's pointless because at the end of the day I will always have to see myself in the mirror and be reminded of how much of a pathetic, f@t, ug!y wh@le I am who only finds happiness in cutt!ng and ⭐ving like b!itch I need to stop being pathetic and just get on with this sh!t I call a life and stop searching for happiness and focus on keeping myself alive because at this point I don't think I'll be capable of doing that for much longer

[askbensolo]

I am a fight just like you. I’m a good bit older than you but was super hot when I was younger. Like every emotion just came out as anger. Still does really but I have a better grip now. I did a lot of internal work on it. Therapy helped.

My wife is a freeze like Fannie. We make it work. We balance each other out.

Hitting things is not recommended :P

...Huh. Fight, flight, or...freeze.

So...she isn't just ignoring me? It's more like...she's perceiving me as a threat, and her survival instinct is telling her not to make a move until the threat passes?

I guess...I kind of know how that feels. When I was younger, I used to get really bad anxiety attacks. Everything was scary and made me fear death, and my muscles would all seize up, and I couldn’t formulate thoughts, and I'd just sit there crying and useless, drunk on oxygen and shaking like a glitched-up droid...

I mean, I used to get angry back then, too. Flipping tables and stuff. Yelling at my parents. And, I still get anxious now...like how thinking about being married, y'know, put me on the floor for a li'l bit. (Hey, uh, how is that, by the way…?)

But...after Snoke tried to take me over, and I realized the astronomical degree to which he screwed me up...the things he did to me, physically and mentally and emotionally and psychologically and through the Force...how he took advantage of my fear and encouraged it constantly in order to keep me under his disgusting gnarly thumb…how he broke me down and brainwashed me and made me think my life was over if I left him and brought me to the point of nearly ending it myself, lightyears from home, with a handful of candy-colored tubes and the worst haircut of my life…

I changed.

Yeah, I still get scared...but you best believe that when I do, I'll frickin' fight for my life. Because I'll be damned if I ever let anyone put me in a corner again. I'm nobody's dog and I'll never be. I refuse to let myself get hurt, or let anyone hurt me. If you freak me out, I will come at you, biting and hissing and clawing, and I will draw blood.

And if there’s no one else for me to be mad at? Well, kriff. Fear is weakness, and I can’t stand to be weak. I’ll tear into my own flesh and eat myself alive, turning myself inside out, exposing my nerves to the open air, becoming my own chrysalis, feasting madly on my own mangled tissue in the hopes of recycling myself into someone, or something, stronger—

Er...sorry. Poet brain took over.

...You know? I think I'm maybe starting to see why she gets scared of me sometimes. I can…uh. Get a little crazy.

Still...I don’t understand why she wouldn't just talk to me. I mean, I would much prefer her yelling back at me and calling me names, to the black-hole terror of her silence...but, um...maybe I'm not a good benchmark for normal responses to stress, and I shouldn't use myself as a standard to measure her against.

And...uh...maybe I shouldn't hit stuff, yeah.

…Okay. Next time Fan and I talk...my first priority is gonna be making sure she knows that she's safe, and I'm not a threat. And...I'll try to remember she's not a threat to me, either.

[foofenshmirtz]

Log #3 Revenant proxies.

Disclaimer, this Au goes into detail about death, and mentions of sexual assault, cults, religion, gods, and gore. viewer discretion is advised. I do not own any of the characters unless stated otherwise and everything is purely for entertainment purposes. i only own my writing.

Since my last log I have found out more information specifically about Offender. From my understanding and from what ████  told me, it seems offender is the one responsible for the agent proxies roaming around these parts. It seems he is alive and does exist after all but I shouldn't worry. I am safe inside and have a better understanding of both the land and a few of the people who live close to me. Nobody has seen him in years so I shouldn't worry as much.

As of late I've been leaving my cabin more and more, I've needed food and to make connections. ████  tells me most of the people barter in these areas and making connections will help in my survival so I've  been trying to be friendly to a few of the proxies nearby. I've only run into 4 so far. Tim, Brian, Toby, and Kate. They are all moody and seem very violent but the 3 boys don't live far from me so i've been trying to get on their good side in hope for trades or possibly protection. It seems not many mess with the revenant proxies, and for good reason. They seem very strong and it would be best advised to not get on any of their bad sides.

████  seems to know a lot about them, though she has been around these woods for quite some time so its only natural. 

Tim Wright : A Revenant Proxy.  Age: 37??  Immortal???? Height: looks like my dad's height so around 5’10 probably Disorders: PTSD, Schizophrenia?

 ████  says he was stalked by the Slender for quite some time and eventually gave up the fight and caved under the manipulation. Out of the 4 of them, he is often the brains, he doesn't show much emotion other than being grumpy but he is very skilled in handiwork. Many often trade weapons to him in exchange for repairs in electrical work. My guess is that before this life he was a construction worker or something. 

He isn't too bad just mostly grumpy and smells constantly like cigarettes. He is always typically seen around Brian as well, I'm guessing they have been close friends for a while since I haven't seen one of them without the other. ████  has advised me to try and get on his good side. I'll probably not be able to befriend him but if I can work out trades with him he might be able to fix up some things around this beat up cabin.

Brian Thomas : Revenant Proxy. Age: 36?? Immortal???  Height: looks around 6’2 but I'm just short so what do I know Disorders: PTSD 

Brian doesn't seem to speak much but is often found near Tim. I don't know much about him but from what ████  says, Brian is pretty brutal. He is great in stealth and is killer (haha pun intended) with a gun. He is often seen with a sniper rifle on his back and I've noticed he walks with a slight limp, most likely due to a past injury. Unlike Tim, Brian doesn't seem to take his mask off, i've never seen his face but ████  have seen him without it on so I at least know he isn't secretly a monster under the mask. ████  has said most don't trade with him, but he is very knowledgeable in the area and where all the portals are so I'll probably try and figure something out in an attempt to have him draw me a map or at least give me some pointers. 

Maybe I can get him to speak.

Tobias Rogers: revenant proxy. Unlike the others, ████  seems to know a lot about Toby. I've only spoken to him a few times but from what I've gathered he's quite grumpy and keeps to himself. 

According to ████  he is very unpredictable and very dangerous. I don't know much about him myself so I will write down everything ████  has told me about him. She seems to know a lot more about him than the other proxies but won't say why. I didn't want to push so I didn't ask further, though I can't help but wonder, I won't push her any further though and I'll just be grateful that she has information nonetheless. She has been my only friend so far and has kept me safe so I won't pry.    

Thank you

Tobias Erin Rogers    Age: 27    Immortal???   Height: idk probs like 6’0 Disorders:  CIPA, Schizophrenia, Tourettes disorder, PTSD, ADHD, Antisocial personality disorder, Bipolar.

████   says that after Toby became a proxy he lost his memory of his past and has now become the ruthless killer he is today. He is often seen partying and is known to be some type of playboy in these parts of the woods, I'm not one to judge though.

████   said that he had a tough time growing up yet did not go into long detail, just that his father wasn't the best and was now forced to serve the Slender. Tobias can be seen constantly covered in blood and oftentimes causing chaos in the woods. He seems to stick by himself most times when he isn't near Tim and Brian. It seems he only really trusts them. Most don't typically trade with him, apparently his bipolar makes him incredibly unpredictable and he is known to manipulate and mess with people out of boredom so it's best to just avoid him and not attempt to trade or get close to him. That's all ████   would tell me, and she wouldn't answer any questions I had, but she did say that I should try and be as nice as possible when talking to him, he gets angry and offended easily. That won't be a problem for me though, luckily I don't think I can be rude to someone, not without crying. I may be a monster but I'm not an asshole.

████   sounded upset while saying this all, making me question why she is doing the most to protect me. We have only known each other for a short amount of time but she has advised me to avoid Tobias at all costs.

Random info ████   has told me about Tobias.

He can play guitar, hates loud sudden noises (same bro), has a love for animals, often doesn't eat proper meals along with the other 3 boys, is always seen with his hatchets and rarely takes off his mask (████  says it's for good reason).

If I'm going to trade with Tim and try to obtain his help, it would be best for me to try and get on all the boys' good sides. I don't want to get shot or beaten to death. I don't know the limitations on my new body yet and I don't want to take any chances so it’s best if i play it safe.

Kate ????? : revenant proxy  Age: 29??? Immortal???  Height: she's hella short so probs around 5’3  Disorders: to be figured out  

Kate is kind of a mystery to both ████   and I. She doesn't know much about her other than the fact that Kate has been in these forests for a very long time. She is believed to be the first revenant proxy yet is often confused for one of the agents due to her animalistic ways. She seems sensitive to light and is known to only really come out at night because of it. I've only spoken to her twice but she seems nicer, just very socially inept compared to the others. If I had to guess it must be because of the sheer amount of time she has lived here and the fact that unlike the 3 boys she is often by herself. From what I've heard around, many don't trade with her since she is typically seen as a ruthless killer and very messy with her kills but if that's true she might be useful to me after all. Hopefully I can trade with her or befriend her in order to obtain an easier supply of food.

Tomorrow I'm going to try and go out and see what I can do about finding things to trade or getting to know the area better. Hopefully, I can get on Tims good side. This cabin is in desperate need of TLC and I can only do so much without power. Till then I'm just going to see if ████   will give me more information. She seems to be in a poor mood so I don't want to push her but the more I know about my neighbors the greater chance I have of survival.

[crunchycrystals]

every book i read in september 2023

i did in fact bring this back because i thought it would be fun and all my followers should know that before everything, i am a book nerd. i genuinely think i only feel like i'm alive when i'm reading regularly. no spoilers for any of the books i talk about because i can only have one cut per post

before i get into the books here's some general info on reading stuff this month. so i read 9 books which i'm really proud of myself for after being in a reading slump for ages. i was still reading then but i really was not enjoying myself nearly as much as i was in previous months and i'm really enjoying myself now. 5 of the books i read were physical copies of them, 1 was an ebook, and 3 were audiobooks. my average rating was 4.29/5 and read a total of 13.78 hours on audiobook and 2476 of pages shout out to storygraph for all this info i am telling you use storygraph if you want to track your reading its so great

the cruel prince. i really liked this surprisingly??? the worldbuilding was great and i loved all the political aspects of it. jude was a really interesting main character and i had a lot of fun with the story (especially the plot twist/s, no i'm not saying if there's more than one). i liveblogged a couple parts of the entire series this month so you can check my tfota tag for more in depth thoughts

the lost sisters. it was pretty interesting to see the plot of the cruel prince from the perspective of a different character but i didn't think much about my enjoyment of it since i was just reading it for more info on the series lol

captain stone's revenge. so i went on a nancy drew diaries binge once and i've been keeping up with the series ever since then just because, and i had a hold on this book for like 2 months at the library and i finished it in a day lol. it's a short book and definitely not as good as other books in the series but yk it wasn't awful still had fun reading

we are okay. this is one of my favorite books and i cried for 40 minutes straight as i finished the last like 50-80 pages. it's a really great exploration of different kinds of grief that are complicated and how it affects people. i posted while reading it "every chapter there's something that makes me take psychic damage" which was very fun but also deeply painful (in a fun way most of the time, sometimes i was in public trying not to cry). the ending is so hopeful it made me cry for a different reason why i was crying for the past 35ish minutes. it's a great book i highly recommend it it's only like 230 pages.

the wicked king. sequel to the cruel prince, i also really enjoyed this but i don't think i enjoyed it as much as the cruel prince. still well written though and i have more in depth thoughts under my tfota and/or reading commentary tags

queen of nothing. 100% my favorite from the trilogy i loved it i thought the characters and plot in this one were all super great and i loved the ending especially. i do have more detailed thoughts that i wrote down for me personally but this is a no spoilers section so i won't share it unless someone asks

cress. this is the 3rd book in the lunar chronicles series and aaaaaaa i loved this so much i had so much fun reading it i love the alternating povs and how they all end up clashing with the dramatic irony in that one scene i loved kai's povs i wanted to keep reading constantly i love these characters so much go read the lunar chronicles please

chalice of the gods. uhhh so i finished this in less than 12 hours i liveblogged it all i really enjoyed it you can see my thoughts there go check it out (cotg or reading commentary tag). a lot of cringe moments (WHY does he mention boomers so much) but i am choosing not to see it i only see percabeth and percy grover friendship content again and i enjoyed reading it

daisy jones and the six. i listened to this on audiobook and it was incredibleeeeeeee the voice actors were amazing it was so entertaining. another taylor jenkins reid book about the drama between famous people and it was very entertaining to read about. stressful at times but overall i liked it. once again there are some notes in the reading commentary tag

i also started winter this month but i am definitely finishing it in october so i don't count it lol

[mistrdctr]

𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐔𝐍

———  BASICS!

NAME:  L.

PRONOUNS: she/her they/them

ZODIAC SIGN: Aquarius

TAKEN OR SINGLE: Taken (married)

———  THREE  FACTS!

I am a cat mom, I have two british short hair annoyances who I love dearly despite them constantly trying to get my attention 24/7

I am an artist - I have been unable to do much art lately though, but man, I hope I can again soon when my brain lets me again... I sometimes even write fics but whenever I RP here on tumblr, I do not really write fics as all my energy goes into RPing lol

I am self-employed and have an Etsy shop where I sell stuff for jewelry-making. It cannot support my life though, but at least I do something :'D

———  EXPERIENCE!

PLATFORMS USED: I always have been RPing on tumblr, and more recently also on Discord but sparsely so

PLOTTING / WINGING IT / MEMES: I love all of that, honestly! I love plotting, but plotting oftentimes comes hard to me, so winging stuff takes a bit of pressure away and memes can just open up so many possible plot lines that can then be discussed and help to get the muses to know each other and develop a relationship... so yeah!

———  MUSE  PREFERENCE!

GENDER: I always write male muses. Always has been the case, always will be. Idk why that is but I just can work much better with them

MULTI OR SINGLE: I always had single blogs, then started a multi a while ago but immediately turned it back into a single before switching fandoms (lol). I just... can't do multis. I prefer to have 'separate dashes' - it also makes me nervous not to know with which muse someone wants to interact when following me, so single muse blogs it is so I know when someone follows they want the muse I portray there. So man if you are a multi, kudos to you, I could never it's so stressful!

LEAST FAVOURITE FACECLAIM(S): Uh. Interesting question. I think using Yo.utu.bers / blo.gger.s etc as FCs is cringe and I feel uncomfortable with it and I won't interact with you if you do. Also RPing a real-life person as the real-life person, I am not a huge fan of that either and I won't interact

———  FLUFF / ANGST / SMUT

FLUFF: I love it so much. Literally what keeps me alive

ANGST:  I love angst a lot - however, if it happens between muses I ship and/or best-friend muses / muses that are very close (family etc), said angst NEEDS to be mixed into fluff. Like, I love to have very angsty moments that happen in between but I need to have an happy ending to the Angst? I cannot write bad endings for close muses. It fucks with my mental state and writing has always been a happy place for me - so while I love to hurt myself, I need to have something happy to make the pain go away lol does that make sense?

SMUT :  I actually am quite used to writing smut, and I have been writing smut for a long time - and I would say I am okay at doing it (I think lol, so far no one has really complained). So, I am totally okay with smut - but I prefer to have some OOC contact with the other mun and chemistry needs to exist between the muses you know? Also sometimes, while I love writing smut, I just can't write it with my brain going 'ehhh', so I cannot do nonstop smut and would prefer to have smut in between and also other things between the muses happening.

tagged by: Stolen from @ravarui tagging: You! Tag me in it if you take it I wanna read my mutuals' answers ♥

[fuckedamygdala]

first time i’m actually trying to get one of my posts out there on this account bc my other posts i want to keep to myself but

does anyone know why i have such distressing and constant obsessive and intrusive thoughts , i wasn’t sure what they were called but i talked to my therapist about how i constantly feel like i’m going to die . how yesterday i had a 5 hour breakdown that i thought i was going to be killed if i left my house the next day . she said i have obsessive and intrusive thoughts

i havw a routine of thinfs i say to myself every night , it started off innocent but gradually i believed it was the thing keeping me alive so every night i try to talk and discuss how i am going to be safe and everyone around me that i love are going to be safe , if i say it wrong i have to repeat it , one time i even repeated everything i said again just because i thought i got through the whole thing without thinking anything bad and i thought it was too good to be true . i literallt think of violent images of things that could go wrong when saying that i want everything to be ok and i get terrified , even if i say everything right if i get a bad image while talking i’ll do it again . deep down i know doing this isn’t helping me but i do it in case because i fully believe it’s helping me .

even stupid stuff too , i was on the floor sobbing bc i have a shelf you can move bc it’s on the floor and i must have accidentally bumped it slightly out of place when doing my bed . anyway , that night i have a light (ik it’s childish but my thoguhts get worse in the dark) and bc the shelf was the slightest bit off it casted a weird shadow and i thought a person could sneak in next to the shadow and kill me , and i thought of other reasons that it could kill me , even just the fact that it was wrong made me feel in danger . i sobbed on the floor and tried to move it back , it was heavy and every time i moved it it would end up in another wrong place and i got even more upset . before i needed my door open a tiny slit so i could see my landing for a danger but not open enough that i could be seen back , i remember when my mom had to stand outside my door fixing where it was for ages bc i needed to know how it looked from my bed . then i’d stare at it once it was in the place to see if it is right and desperately fix it myself if it isn’t . even when there isn’t a danger bc i didn’t do something right , i think there are just people about to kill me when i leave the house , or if i get too mean to someone i feel like they’re going to kill me . and i get angry a lot

everyday i prepare for if someone is going to kill me

overall , i know this is not my bpd rn , bc i have bpd but i really dont know why im like this i just feel insane . i really wish i had good mental health because i feel like i never have any peace and i’m constantly trying to avoid death . i feel like i’m living in final destination

[playboynanners]

i wanna start off by telling u i am sorry!! i wanna tell u about all this crazy shit in my head, and want to open up and want to talk about my feelings but no matter what, i just cant make out the right words...? like it feels like cant properly put my thoughts and emotions into words i guess??

all i want to do right now is cry and scream and let it all out because its killing me inside. i cant take it anymore. i feel weird. i dont want to do anything. i always feel tired. i dont have any energy. a part of me broken. something is def weighing on my heart. i just feel so fucking suffocated. i feel like i am so far behind in life that i will never catch up. everyone is doing so many things with their lives. and i am just here. i really dont think i can do this its getting dark again. and im afraid. im too tired to carry on. i want MYSELF back bro is that too much to ask for? i deffff know its getting bad because even sleep and music dont help and i feel sick all the time and i just want to disappear. i really feel like there is no happy ending for me . thats why getting through the days is hard rayen i honestly from the bottom of my heart know its all for nothing. u guys are waiting for me to get over it, to finally do something with my life, and i know u guys are getting impatient. but what u guys dont know is that im already gone. i dont like who i am. there is nothing good about me. i am sick of wasting my time. i am worn out. i so fucking tired. the anxiety consumes me at times i feel like i cant breathe i cant think straight intrusive thoughts of self distraction consume my mind i am sooo fucking sick of this version of myself!!!!! im fucking tired of the poor choices i keep making. i truly believe i have hit rock bottom. this is the humblest i have ever been because my ego has nothing to be proud of. i know i knowww it is important to be gentle with myself but its also crucial to be honest. im not taking care of myself. im doing drugs, im on social media all day. i either dont eat healthy, or i dont eat at all. i dont exercise. i watch things that arent positive and go to sleep and wake up late. i am sick to my stomach as i write this. i just want to go up from here because i cant live this way anymore. i dont wanna live this way anymore. but like if you never felt like the way i do right now... the drained , depression . WORTHLESS feeling ... then u cant say shit about me "getting better starts with yourself bs" LIKE UH ? YEAH I HATE MYSELF AND DONT GIVE A FUCKKKKK ABOUT NUN SO WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? like i honestly didnt even think i would be alive at my age i thought i wouldve been dead by 20 so u can only imagine how lost i feel lol. i dont know what to do with my life and i feel like im just wasting away most days. and i dont fucking know how to fix it. maybe this is my time for me and im supposed to be enjoying it for exactly what it is? like i dunno i just know i always fucking ruin EVERYTHINGGGG . i casually sabotage all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesnt feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring. i really want to kill whats inside of my head. i hate living like this day after day. i just want my pain to end bro . i see how everyone looks at me like i’m a burden, how they fake concern only to switch up at me the next second. i don’t want to be this way, im so lost and alone and i just don’t see the point anymore. this is the loneliest i have ever felt. i don't have a shoulder to cry on when im sad, i have got legit no one to go to. i have noooo tears left to cry dude. my heart hurts so much. my insides are burning. i dont know how to help myself. i legitimately try and i make it worse. i wanna scream all this hurt and pain out. can i just lose my memory just so i can take a break from feeling this way? im not sure how long i can handle this alone anymore all honesty .

AND i wouldnt say im "addicted" to drugs and alcohol (JUST YET lol) butttt what i hate about liking them is that once you know how that high feels and the break from reality you get from everything you will FOREVER know how good it felt and thats the problem. u can be days, months, years of being clean. but i know when you quit its gonna be hard years down the road. i would take it alllll back and not start doing any of it. it turns from "just one time trying it" to "i promise this is the last time" but all honestly i dont know how to stop or be normal in this world sober anymore.

and to sum it alllll up i just want / need someone who can hug me and tell me that im not as worthless as i think i am i feel so fucking empty sometimes and its so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time.

[goatskickin]

Wendy and the radio station intern Tatiana continue their discussion.

“So.

…

You are cursed, and you do not think that you are a witch.”

“Yes, I see plants all around me constantly. And yes, I am not a witch.”

…

“Fine. So, you’re not a witch.”

“So, how did you end up in Pitstop Valley? How did you know that I was a Good Witch?”

“Well, I needed a job, and I didn’t have to stay in Riverblossom Hills if I didn’t want to. And I heard a rumor that there was a Good Witch who owned a saloon in Pitstop Valley.”

“I heard she was powerful, but I also heard that she went by Mama Marguerite. I don’t think that’s you.”

“Right, that was my mom.”

“Why do you keep calling me a witch? No one has ever said that to me before.”

“…Your aura is powerful. It’s not all together Good, either.”

“Plus, I’ve heard about your familiar. The dog?”

“What, Ibrahim? What about my dog?”

“He’s your familiar, right? Does as you command, protects you from harm?”

“…yeah, I mean he’s my dog and he’s loyal to me. That doesn’t make me a witch.”

“You have a cat. Witches have cats.”

“Familiars don’t have to be cats. I’ve heard of a witch in Strangetown who has a parrot as a familiar!”

“Can you help me get rid of this curse or not? I don’t want to talk about cats. Or parrots.”

“Fine.

…

“Can you tell me about your grandmother? The one who put the curse on you?”

“Sure.”

“She died a few years ago. She raised me. My mom wasn’t around, and I’ve never met my dad.”

…

“She was a Plantsim.”

“…what?”

“I know! No one thinks they are real, but she was a Plantsim. She was.”

“Plantsims…don’t exist? Or, they used do? But they…don’t anymore? How - “

“I know, I’ve heard the stories. Either they are not real, or they used to be around but aren’t any more.”

“But I promise, she was a Plantsim. She couldn’t be anything but a Plantsim.”

“I mean, it would make sense I guess…the plants…”

“There were other signs.”

“…but your grandmother was a Plantsim, not a witch. She could not have cursed you.”

...

“Magic is usually passed from mother to daughter…are you sure your grandmother wasn’t a witch?”

“Yes. I mean, she could do some things…”

“…but nothing like what a witch can do. Just small things…and they all had to do with plants.” 

“Oh, Riverblossom Hills!…oh gosh after the fall, if she…if she was a Plantsim she must have been miserable! All of the orchards, the farms-“

“Yeah.”

“How did she even survive?”

“Sorry! I don’t mean it like that! It’s just that Plantsims, don’t they need –“

“No, it’s okay, I’ve asked myself that. Like, how did she stay alive? Why did she even want to, you know?”

“It was me. She had me.”

“Right before the fall, my grandma Daisy was going to leave Riverblossom Hills. To go to ‘the green place’. You know, where they say Plantsims come from?

“But my mom showed up at her house, pregnant with me. And then the Fall happened.”

“My mom left after I was born.”

“My Grandma Daisy says she joined a cult. Or went back to the cult. Or…something.”

“Do you think your mother was a witch?”

“Maybe.”

“What…what was your grandmother like?”

…

“I was afraid of her.”

“Oh! Why do you say that?”

“She was…I don’t know, scary.

…

She wasn’t my parent…and she wasn’t like any of the other grandmothers of the kids I knew at school. She was different. That made me different too.

…

I was afraid to have anyone over from school…I knew my grandmother was weird.”

“She didn’t really leave the house either. We spent a lot of time together.”

“So, you were like, her caretaker? I mean –“

“Well basically, yeah! I mean, kind of.“

“As much as a kid could, you know?”

“So, the curse. How did it happen?”

“It’s kind of hard to explain.”

"You know, I gotta admit, I am not exactly sure how this connection between Plantsims and magic works. But…”

“The curse, when did that start? About when you were a teenager, right?”

“Yeah…how did you know that?”

“It’s just that that’s the typical age when witches – “

“I am not a witch! Are you – “

“Listen! I am trying to help you here! It is unfortunate that this curse – the plants – is happening. Bu you also need to recognize that you have power, that you need help to control!

“You know I’m telling the truth! I know that you know that you have been able to do things, have control over things that you didn’t before. You can’t deny it.”

“Hey!”

“You need my help! And I need you – as my sister. Two witches are more powerful than one. We can learn from each other!”

“…what?”

[alwaysdeliciouscrown]

RUNAWAY

PROLOGUE

I can’t understand why I feel like this. Why am I always the one to push my dreams away? Why is it always a shadow behind me that tells me constantly what to do? Why am I always doubting about myself? About what I can or can’t do?

 I have to change that. I must start believing in myself, I really have to; is something I have to work on, because I can’t stand it any longer. My inner dark side is facing again, and it’s something I do not like. I wish I could start over again easily; I wish the “old” strong me could face up, but unfortunately that person does not longer exist inside of me. She has been gone long ago.

I want to, I truly do, but there is a strength inside me that keeps me in this kind of state. In shock. Somehow, I just need it. To survive, to live, to still breath, I need to change it. I need to start over; I need to get a new version of me. A stronger me, stronger than ever, wiser than ever, more intelligent, more comprehensive. More me. More of being myself.

The new me must be better than ever, to be proud of herself and not afraid about anything. To not keep myself from trying new things, to get out of my comfort zone, to experiment. I have to believe and to agree with everything that I do for myself, and to the things that I do not agree with. I have to not overthink, I have to change the way I see myself in the present, not in the future. Let the future come when it has to come, not now. 

Now is the current time, the present time. Because I don’t know if tomorrow will come to me, I don’t know if I’ll be alive. So, I have to romanticize my life. To love every single thing about what this life has brought to me. I have to appreciate the little things that are in my life, and that makes me happy. I have to surround myself with beautiful people. Not beautiful on the outside. To be beautiful on the inside and that love me from who I truly am.

This white page brings me peace, is my safe place to come when my mind is running fast and I can’t truly keep it inside of me anymore. When I’m on the way to explode and become a waterfall full of tears. I love writing my thoughts, it helps me. It heals me. From the inside, to the outside. Love how happy I am when I write. And the most important thing. I’m proud of it.

 No one knows how you feel if they haven’t been there, and even then, they will never get to know that fully. So, let’s call this page “my safe boat”, “my shelter”. For me is the only place I truly feel like home. Ifeel like I just wrote things like this so many times, and like, I always find comfort in here. I hope that this feeling will keep flouring anytime I feel like this, and I really hope I can be a better version of myself, a version that I’ll cherish, and embrace, and keep forever with me.

But I know deep inside of me, if I ever fall again, if the darkest parts of myself spring again inside of me, I’ll come here and talk. Or write. Or speak. Whatever I’ll please. Whatever makes me feel like home. To my shelter, to my safe boat. Thank you.

[cheyenneisthedisaster]

One of the things that hurts the most is I don’t deserve for everything I ever worked for to be taken away from other people’s mistakes and issues. When you boil it down, I am the person who’s done the least bit of harm but has been put through the most horrible things. I didn’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to still be wrongfully harassed because my dads new wife cares more about money being spent on her then my life. I have personally held myself beyond accountable for what I’ve done. Over and over. To the point of even hurting myself, which I have gotten passed.

I did not want all of the invasive oversight into my life. Everyone had so much negative to say, when my now ex husband had a child by another woman, and Alex and I were separated by everyone. It escalated between our two families to an extreme extent, that wasn’t necessary.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing that I have done to be thrown away and abused like I was. Now I can’t even get access to any of my things. Any of my things at all. Every day I am re-traumatized by the fact that I cannot move forward in any way. I have zero support. I am constantly harassed wrongfully and I’m tired of being a broken record. I need to move forward.

I’ve been healing and struggling to even want to stay alive, let alone fight over traumas that aren’t mine. I’m sorry my dad spent so much money and it was wasted, I’m sorry I was too damaged to hold a job while being told by everyone that I didn’t believe I had a job, being told I wasn’t qualified for a job and I’m a whore that should go kill my self by my dads new wife. I’m sorry that I was blamed for everyone else’s gold digging. I’m sorry that it seemed like I didn’t want a family when I was devastated I didn’t get to keep my own child when I was humiliated by my husband knocking another woman up. I’m sorry I used curse words instead of violence. I’m sorry I have no interest in going after or bothering drug dealers when I don’t do drugs and don’t want that kind of energy in my life.

I’m sorry I had one bad boyfriend in a complex situation I wasn’t ready for. I’m sorry that I lost my temper because once I cry I can’t stop. I’m sorry that my pain comes out in anger because I’ve been pushed or that point. I’m sorry I’m not good enough or as intelligent enough for anyone. I’m sorry my mom fucked is up. I’m sorry that I even exist. But the little person who does exist, doesn’t deserve this. Everyday. So if I could please know why I did that was so wrong besides using hard drugs four times, taking like 30 adderall in total, having a bad boyfriend who hasn’t been held accountable in any way, having a bad husband who I love more then anything in this world but I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry that I keep getting harassed and there isn’t a single person besides 3 people on the internet who are kind to me or remember that I’m a person.

I’m sorry I’m not big and bad, I’m not a gang banger and I’m terrified of that stuff. I’m sorry that I don’t like getting involved with law enforcement at all. I’m sorry that Sandra’s kids can handle their drugs but I can’t but I didn’t know because I didn’t do drugs. I’m sorry I wasn’t worth celebrating getting a once in a lifetime job and had my dad’s new wife constantly screaming in my face. I’m sorry she makes me shake.

I’m sorry I didn’t heal fast enough, and I’m sorry that I wasn’t even worth keeping my dignity. I’m sorry I had to do the worst to survive and that isn’t even enough, people keep trying to put me in jail and I’m just trying to live through the day. I’m sorry I’m but as pretty as I used to be. Or intelligent as I used to be. I’m sorry I wasn’t worth a single person in our families to say “enough is a enough”. I’m sorry I depended on anyone else but myself, and that’s my biggest mistake.

So I have to motivate myself like hell to not be a toothless beat up ex prostitute working in a 24 hour diner with a drinking problem. I don’t have any self esteem but I didn’t think I’d be so ostracized because I just don’t want people to physically touch me. I’m sorry the value of my life and my potential doesn’t exceed my life insurance policy. I’ve done a lot of healing and if I had died before it would’ve been mercy for how much I’ve suffered. I’ve replayed it over and over and I don’t deserve a bunch of shit dragged into my life, and being beaten into submission, and emotionally broken down saying i ruined my own life, so I took it out of myself. I kept going back to Alex because I gave it all up for a junkie right? So it had to work.

Alex was once’s called a homeless junkie by my family. That he has nothing and just uses me. And I was accused of being a junkie and I have been homeless. So the people who threw the biggest stones because nothing that I did was good enough ended up leaving with nothing and no one. I’m proud of my little safe space, and what I’ve accomplished from nothing.

I’m sorry that on the 4 escalations of drug use that I didn’t understand what was happening. I’m sorry that I was traumatized by having everything taken away like I’m a child. I’m sorry that I begged to go home and begged to go home, but no one was nice to me that when Alex would be nice I’d go see him.

I didn’t ask anyone to go through my things or clean my car. I didn’t ask anyone to clean for me, and I didn’t take the help for granted. I was really thankful. But the help came with so much judgement and weight, it’s all about money. I hate money.

I wish I had someone who was willing to stand up for me Ina good way. I’m sorry that what bas gotten me through this awful life is a tea that is get on suboxone if I had transportation or money. I’m sorry I got into a tea because I really wanted to help people. I’m sorry that all my abusers, to the point that I have died, have tried to put me in jail for being abusive, when im 4 11, and I weighed 100lbs. I’m sorry that when I was wrongfully exposed to fetynal that I lived. I’m sorry that after a home invasion and date rape drug I didn’t know how to heal.

I’m sorry I was ridiculed by everyone. I’m by no means a perfect person, I have never claimed to be a perfect person, but I worked hard to be a small business owner and an area manager, and I’ve been humiliated and accused of crimes that come with life sentences. I’m sorry that Alex’s recovery and well being was worth more than the child I lost. I’m sorry that all I wanted to do was be a mom, and I’m sorry that because I lost so many children I needed hormones to clear my acne and heal my skin. I’m sorry I wasn’t pretty enough to be in the wedding photos.

I’m sorry that the one time I needed help, I was a burden. I didn’t mean to be a burden but I was always taught to treat people far better than how I was treated. I didn’t feel as if I deserved it, I’m sorry that at my age I had so many of my own issues I was trying to work on, I didn’t remember to ask how anyone else was doing or about their day. For ten years almost, I wasn’t asked. At the end of my marriage I was barely noticed. My husband even left me sleeping outside. I’m sorry that the man who raped me in a hotel room was right, I was left on the side of the road where everyone else had left me because I’m just a burden.

I’m sorry I don’t have great mental health because the anger keeps me safe. I’m sorry that I drink a tea to get through the pain. I’m sorry that no one cared to treat me like a person instead of an object. I’m sorry I wasn’t worth the attempt to mend a relationship with my dad. I’m sorry that Sandra saw me as a threat when I knew I wouldn’t ever be more important because I never have been important to anyone.

If I can’t get my things I’d rather not be here anymore. Honestly, at this age, what I’ve gone through and had to endure I don’t know if I have another restart in me. I don’t. I’ve been so used, broken down, beaten and taken advantage of that I don’t think I will ever heal. I’d rather be dead then disabled. Truly. I don’t know what I deserved to be made disabled, but I’m trying like hell to get through it. When I was in treatment I felt myself dying of a broken heart. It’s insane.

I do feel it. I do feel like my actual heart is giving up. I don’t know how a few rumors and miss spoken words lead to every single person in my life not even bothering to talk to me because of language. I’m sorry that everyone else wants me to be the reason for their pain. That I used them, or pulled one over on, when that wasn’t the case. And I’m sorry my mom traumatized everyone to leave me broken and alone… for no real reason. I was told Alexs sobriety was important, but my recovery from my trauma was important too.

Imagine, being told not to make a college graduate feel bad over getting at general manager job at a fast food restaurant so quickly at almost 30. I’m sorry that the broken person in the house had to be the bad guy because apparently her kids had to be better than us. I’m just a fast food general manager. That’s been my life opportunity. The daughter of a murdered creakhead prostitute made it to be a restaurant general manager by 30. What I have achieved is amazing for someone who wasn’t even allowed to go to school because my mom was too high.

I’m sorry I’m just white trash. I’m sorry the other kids weren’t allowed to talk to me growing up. I’m sorry I have survived. I’m sorry I let my mom go that day, because I haven’t had anyone since then. I’m sorry Micheal and I were just pawns for my dads money. I’m sorry for once I thought maybe I’d be excepted. I’m sorry Sandra’s sister was jealous at how her husband looked at me. I’m sorry that my little life being a cafe owner/ restaurant manager married to a banker was exciting enough for my ex husband. I got to feel what peace and happiness was. I’m sorry I cry because I’m horrified Miguel’s going to commit suicide or abusing drugs. I’m sorry I care about him more than myself.

I’m sorry, that after building all of that from nothing, I didn’t deserve to have the lady who got so mad I went into formulated to have my dad sign a lease and she was so offended not realizing I’m his actual daughter. I’m sorry that Sandra is from a different country and gets threatened by someone’s daughter living through a home invasion because I was basically living alone. I’m sorry the divorcee and rape victim wasn’t enough to give me space without judgement.

I’m sorry that when I found out my dads other woman had kids who had known my dad for along time. I’m sorry that it hurt knowing I used to cry asking Miguel why doesn’t my dad want to be part of my life. I’m sorry I’m afraid Micheal will be pushed to the edge and do something stupid. I’m sorry that my dad thinks it’s okay to put his children through hell while looking at a spoiled brat calling for his “MAMA”.

I’m sorry my dad just wants to live his life in peace. I’m sorry that his children don’t fit into that because that means someone else won’t control. Im sorry that no one got to know the real me. I’m sorry that we asked for a parent. I’m sorry that it’s two of us who feel this way. I’m sorry that I blew up because it was far too much. I’m sorry no one realized that when you accuse someone of using hard drugs etc etc, we attract the worst kinds of people. I’m sorry that when my own family threw me away. Even though they weren’t in my life, everyone else followed suit.

All I ever wanted in my life was a place to call home. I had that. I’m sorry I just wanted a little family of my own. I’m sorry that I’ve been put through hell, and it comes down to my tone and language. I’m sorry I’ve been through so much hell, that I don’t have someone who loves me enough to just give me a safe place to heal. I’m sorry I was surrounded by the worst kinds of people. Last time I was going to be left homeless Alex was going to come with me because I can’t go alone. I’m sorry that to everyone in my life, the jealousy was enough to break an already broken person and my family let it happen.

Im just sorry for being here. And im sorry that i meant so little to everyone that pretending i dont exist, and reminding me how ungrateful and awful, and abusive, and such a drug addict i am, was so easy to do in one day. I’m sorry im worthless. I wonder if anyone remembers me as a person, or remembers in America, when a well to do family takes everything away from a 29 year old in one day, and leaves her outside, alone, everyone else follows suit. I’m sorry i didnt understand what was going on and didnt trust anyone. I’m sorry that i dont have the magical super powers to explain my scars and not correct clothing during a job interview. I’m sorry it’s taken this long for me to get to the point that I even look presentable at all, because I’ve had to do what I can to make what little money I do.

I’m sorry I don’t have the magical skills to convince an employer to hire a mentally damaged shit show with no support. Who can’t drive to do her job and just wants to be a crew person because word around town is she’s so addicted to drugs. I’m sorry I…. I wasn’t worth supporting when holding myself accountable. I’m sorry I was told everyone dislikes me when I was In treatment. I’m sorry I was verbally abused when I left treatment and had to go back. I’m sorry that I wasn’t given a chance. I’m sorry I made a tons of people hate me, I’m sorry my entire treatment I learned how it was all my fault, I’m sorry on my birthday I cried alone wishing I was dead with an envelope of bills I couldn’t pay; watching my life be ruined infront of my life.

I’m sorry that it hurts even more that everyone thinks I deserve this everyday. I’m sorry I have to waste my time on calling attorneys to make sure I don’t get beaten to death. I’m sorry that it’s taken all this pain in this chat, for me to ask—- could I just have my package? And I cry myself to sleep hoping my unit wasn’t robbed, or sold.

I’m sorry I was so horrible that it was worth ruining a life that was so insignificant to everyone that an almost 70 year old father thought it was okay for his new wife to treat his 30 year old like this while her kids will get to live off the money he leaves behind with her, and his kids won’t ever have the opportunity to have peace.

I’m sorry I wasn’t worth getting to know. I’m sorry I have all these crazy issues with no documented proof. I’m sorry that I’m lazy, and I want to use my dad for money. I’m sorry I had one bad year and a half. I’m sorry. I’m just fucking sorry.

I’m a person…. Will someone treat me like a person? I’m sorry that everyone else is given the opportunity to learn from their mistakes and grow. I’m sorry that I’m a woman and I don’t get hired for hard labor jobs. I’m sorry I can be raped. I’m sorry I’m only 4 11. I’m sorry everyone assumed and talks about me, but no one takes the times to talk to me. I’m sorry that someone isn’t allowed to go through their own personal problems that they don’t want to share all the time, while healing from trauma and trying to get back on their feet. I’m sorry that someone can’t coexist into a house in the guest bedroom without being dragged into everyone else’s issues.

I’m sorry my dad thinks that what hes done for me, I didn’t care about. I did, that’s why I fought so hard not to lose it all. I did care, but it’s possible to be grateful for help but also still struggling with my own personal problems simultaneously. I’m sorry that everything I do and say is broken down into such an insane extent and that nothing I can do is right, and sometimes I purposely act in a way that will stir the pot because I need to know who’s spreading what. I’m sorry that having me “cancelled” and public-ally humiliating me daily is what everyone has ganged up to do. I’m sorry my ex husband has been influenced to continue to isolate me when I don’t deserve it. I’m not perfect, and I’m human so I’m going to make mistakes. But when my phone is hacked by Miguel sabotaging everything I do to move forward, and I’m humiliated and laughed at, instead of someone remembering I’m a person, I’ve done less wrong out of everyone.

So since when does someone give up all privacy and freedom to their dad and ex husband and the people who can see all my finances, bank accounts, call logs, locations and I didn’t lie with the who I was with, turn around and let their daughter/wife be so put down and humiliated like I have been. Does that reflect me or the men in my life? This is still a man’s world. I’m sorry my dad raised a worthless piece of shit whore drug addict deranged criminal and Miguel lost everything because he knocked up and employee and his wife was so worthless to him that the emaciated ran through employee who couldn’t even stay sober on the clock, was more important then who he married, and he won’t stop until they all feel better about themselves because I’m such a junkie crackhead tweaker piece of shit who’s life he’s going to ruin, because I wasn’t worth anything, and I don’t deserve peace. I’m sorry that I was never loved. I’m just sorry that I provided and payed paychecks and ran businesses that apparently I wasn’t there for. I’m sorry everyone has all the assumptions but I’m not worth leaving me some underwear.

I didn’t deserve it. I don’t deserve it.

I was told today that I’ve changed a lot, and that people miss the old me, well the old me wasn’t trying to barely scrape by and in danger all of the time. The old me wasn’t used till everything was forcefully taken away. The old me didn’t need to answer to someone about every breath I take. The old me was allowed to be human.

The old me wasn’t humiliated by all my dirty laundry and rumors being aired out on the internet.

Has anyone ever asked themselves or prayed that is live through the night. I have. Sometimes I feel I won’t. I know I’m being protected now but I feel like I won’t. My dad just wants me to “be happy” how can someone be happy when my independence is taken away, I’m retaliated against, abused, stabbed, beaten and life is better without looking at me, but leaving me alone in the guest bedroom to heal wasn’t on the agenda. The dog and pony show was.

My brother Thomas said he wished he had the opportunity I did. I had to opportunity for my parents to tell me not to worry about things or stick up for myself just to lose it all while they are picking apart the fact I drank a beer on Father’s Day off site and got kicked out the domestic violence shelter because my humanity kicked in.

[regulus-smith]

TW: vent

Sometimes, I'm left alone with my thoughts, and I just kinda realize how bad of a person I am. I can't keep promises with friends. I shut down when people are trying to talk to me. I block out things I don't want to remember for my own selfish reasons. I do anything I can for attention. I'm a 'pathogical' liar (using that term very, VERY loosely); I lie about little things to make myself seem more interesting bc I genuinely am one of the most boring people alive. I'm just some nerd with a traumatic childhood and a pending sexuality crisis. None of my friends would give a damn about me if I didn't cope with humor; the only good thing about me was I cope with finding new things to obsess over so i can distract myself from everything. I try to force myself to like certain things so I don't run out of things to like. I ran out of things to obsess over once. It was horrible. It lasted for months, and I just felt so empty. That's how I feel most of the time at this point. I don't really feel anything. It's just a sort of emptiness that can't be really, truly, explained by words. You just have to know to know. I don't even know why my friends like me. My best friend told me to my face that she wouldn't feel sad or cry if I k1lled myself right then and there, while she knew i was very s1uc1dal at the time. My other best friend always values their other friends more than me. I'm always a backup friend, nothing more. I'm the one they rely on to be there when they're feeling down. It's never about how I feel, it's always about 'aww, pity me, pity me' while this friend is literally being a spoiled brat (im not using that lightly, it's the truth) she said she hated her stepmom because her stepmom wasn't rich enough for her. I'm so done with her constantly venting about how hard her life is. It's just her complaining because she feels like people who don't have big money are bad. She doesn't realize how that feels to me because I am poor, I don't have money like she does. And that's one of the differences between us. It's always been so clear. She's the perfect, pretty, rich, lovable popular girl, while I'm the fat, ugly, unlikable nerd with barely any friends. None of my friends actually like me, but if I leave them, I have absolutely nobody. Everyone in my school hates me. It's how it happens at every damn school I've ever gone to. I finally start to be happy at the new school, then literally everyone, but my small group of friends starts to despise me for no reason. It's not like I'm rude to them. I'm always trying to be nice to people, so they don't have to feel like i do. But it's never enough for them. I'm the easy target. There's nothing good about me to defend myself with. It's useless to try and report bullying. It got to the point where I used to harm myself. Just to solidify in my mind how disgusting and vile I was. I contemplated just doing it so many times. Nothing ever gets done about bullying until it's too late. And im one of those cases. I'm the easy target that every insecure, rich white boy goes for. Sometimes, I wonder if I had been born pretty, maybe somebody would actually love who I am instead of just despising me right off the bat.