#like i constantly see people say they don't want to do emotional labor and it isn't their job to educate anyone and that's fine

[theghostofashton]

.

[adriftallmylife]

Coming on here really quick to say that just because Benedict Bridgerton doesn't like society or tries to get away from girls at balls doesn't mean he's gay.

But actually, has everything to do with the fact that he's always been the second son. The first in line for Viscount if Anthony were to die before he has a male heir.

He's the spare.

The runner up.

Everyone's second choice. Nobody's first choice.

Hell, there's even a portion of the ton that doesn't even know his name. Just that he's a Bridgerton.

Him breaking from society rules is because he wants to have a purpose and doesn't see the ton as really having a purpose. It's just a marriage mart where people are auctioned off to the highest bidder. Real love matches don't happen that often. He's constantly fighting with who his last name is and trying to find himself apart from that last name. It's the name Bridgerton that matters to people not Benedict himself.

So, he finds something he enjoys. Art. Something where he can be himself. Express himself freely without judgement. Because art is what you make it. It's entirely up to the one in front of the canvas. And then what happens? He finds out that his brother bought his way into art school. Did you see how excited that precious golden retriever was when he got in? Aside from the fact that he was high as a damn kite when he read the letter, that was something that meant so much to him. And then in the end to find out all of your hard work, your labor of love, actually meant jack fucking shit to anyone because his brother tossed some cash at the school. And that was what mattered. A donation. Not Benedict himself and his talent.

Could Benedict be bisexual? Sure! I wouldn't have a problem with it on the condition that it was actually happening, and it was well written and had time given for character development. And it wasn't used just for ratings. They've already skipped his season once, to wait any longer doesn't make sense. And if they did it now and then immediately introduced Sophie people would just be bitching that they were Queer baited. When actually that's not what is fucking happening at all. I don't understand how Benedict going to a party held by his art mentor, walking in on him having sex with a man, getting pissed off at said art mentor for his gay lover trying to find a wife and that he is lying and manipulating women translates to Benedict being gay.

Luke Thompson has also said before that Benedict is a very open person, not necessarily sexualy, but open to life.

He needs to be in order to figure out who he is. Him being with Gen in season one was the viewers introduction to Benedict not giving two shits about society. That hard-working people are just as deserving for nice things and his company just as much as anyone else is. His threesome with Gen and Lady Granville was experimentation. That's cool and fine. IDK what's going on with Tilley Arnold (i mean I have two guesses and I don't like either one). But him sleeping with different women isn't him lying to himself about his sexuality. It's him trying to make a connection, trying to find something for himself that gives him that sense of purpose.

Then when he's at his lowest point...

SOPHIE BECKETT ENTERS THE FUCKING CHAT!

Anyway, my point is that all of Benedict's character development is leading him to Sophie.

Sophie Sophie Sophie.

Why?

She's the first person to get to know him. To understand the fact that he's not just a second son but a human being with emotions and talent and deserves to be celebrated for those talents and to have his emotions comforted (she calls his family out on it and gives two shits in doing so). Sophie Beckett is a girl who grew up in horrible conditions. Tormented by her stepmother and stepsister. Turned into a slave inside her own home. Her mother died giving birth to her and the Earl being her father isn't even something that's allowed to be talked about. He's cold and distant with her. Not to mention the fact that her stepmother embezzled her money. Straight up stole her dowry. She's been abused, mistreated and despite all of that, she's still a good fucking person. A person, a woman, who sticks to her principles because at the end of the day that's what she has. And she refuses to put a child in a situation like she grew up in.

They see parts of themselves in each other. Sophie lifts Benedict up to who he's meant to be. Gives him a purpose. Benedict calms Sophie protects her (and yeah Book!Ben does it in a really red flag kind of way) and shows her love for the first time in her entire life. Introduces her to a family who accepts her for who she is and loves her, not in spite of it, but for it.

I just don't understand why fandoms as a whole push sexualities onto characters. I understand the need for more representation, and I fully support that. But we should be creating more roles for those sexualities not just shoving them onto people. Especially when it's the woman of the heterosexual couple that always gets torn to shreds when a fandom decides that a man should be gay instead of straight. You can't give viewers the LGBT support they want and then shit on feminism in order to do it. Bridgerton introduced us to Granville and Lord Wetherby, they gave us a gay storyline that could have been really intriguing and heartbreaking and lovely and then they just didn't fucking do anything with it. Netflix (and other networks) don't actually give a crap about it, no matter how often they want us to believe they do. What do they care about? Ratings. That's legit it. They don't care about creating genuine stories for those of that community. They care about money.

Anyway, I'm rambling now.

IN THIS ESSAY I WILL!

[promiseiwillwrite]

Dodgeball with Apollo

Some aspects of my mental illness ARE in line with Narcissism.

I am very self obsessed. It took me a long time to understand that I was not uniquely traumatized or miserable. Yes, my pain is important, but it is not of an unknowable or unspeakable magnitude.

I have decided that my favorite human experience is when other people genuinely engage with me, and want to know about me. When their focus is on me. I have experienced this what seems to me, in my own mind, like a bare handful of times. But that is because I have often failed to account for circumstances Less focused on me. I have failed to understand and parse moments of connectedness that I have experienced where the focus has been elsewhere, on shared interests or the other person, because I have not had that spine tingling feeling of being alive that I get once in a blue moon when I think someone really wants to know me.

At the same time, I have a Very hard time believing that other people want to know me. It takes years of interactions. It takes very specific emotional circumstances. It is Incredibly fragile, too. If I have a belonging experience with someone, and then later experience any real or perceived dismissal, rejection or negative emotional experience with that human afterward, I tend to interpret that as the End of that part of the relationship. Nothing to repair, and I tend to just go away after that. And Inevitable. Because no human relationship is 100% positive at all times. So it is constant mourning. It is constant loss of people and relationships I thought might have been. Relationships that I Wanted to have that I most likely STILL want, but that I KNOW are not fair to the other person. That I know are Bad for the other person. That I can't understand, for the most part, why they still sometimes persist after I have fucked them up.

I think, at the root of all this, is that I don't think other people see me as a person.

I feel like other people see me as a Non Player Character in a Video Game. Like window dressing in their lives. I might have some lines, or a quest for them, but I am not interesting enough to remember after that.

And for the most part, I they are right. I can't honestly say that I think I am a whole person. I think I have been too obsessed with myself, and too withdrawn for too long.

One of the many downsides of thinking this way is that there isn't much else to you. You are right. You run around and around inside your own head because you assume these people who probably actually do care about you don't want to be bothered by you, and don't have time for you in their lives, so you sit and stare at the wall and think about all this, and how there IS nothing more to you than these thoughts, and how the other people are right for not engaging. Because there is nothing new about any of this. It's just around and around the same spiral.

When I am strong, I feel like I can focus more on who I am and what I want. But I keep stumbling over these things. I have taught all the people who care about me that I have to have all this space, because I think I am bothering them, and I legitimately feel selfish for taking their time, their energy, because I know it is emotional labor to constantly reassure me. And I don't want other people to suffer because they are around me. So I Isolate, Especially when this shit is Loud in my head. The time when I probably most need support and touch and conversation.

God, I want to be a real Boy.

But I can see the strings, still. I know Every time I put on the mask, and every time I censor myself, and every time I think "God, don't fuck this up" and "Don't say that, for fuck's sake" that I am not fit for real relationships with real humans. Sometimes Hundreds of times a day.

Even knowing and accepting that no one is perfect... I still think I am toxic to others. That it is actively Harmful of me to be myself around other people, and that it is intrinsically wrong of me to want that because I know it is hurtful.

I don't even have tears left for it. This is my fucking rock that I keep rolling up this fucking hill. It's what I keep coming back to. It's what I really am.

And it's what I focus so much of my mental and emotional energy on... and then I have nothing left to turn outward, to be curious about others, and actually build and work on other relationships.

I DO want to know other people. I love knowing about my friends and loved ones. I love seeing how they grow and change over time... But asking about it is still bothering them. Hurting them, somehow. Wasting their time that they could be spending doing something, anything besides interacting with a soul-sucking pit of a human like me.

And even when I am at my best... This is always under the surface. This always infects me. This uncharitable, gracelessness that makes me go back under the rock, that I DO Definitely ascribe to other people on more than rare occasion. I DO Definitely misinterpret words and signals constantly, and decide that my bad faith takes on interaction are more evidence that others don't want me around, and I rationalize it as though I Agree with them (lol, myself). It is for their own good, I decide, because I do not trust them to make an informed autonomous decision about what they don't actually know, and never thought in the first place. Fucking irrational. And Fucking as Real as 50 pounds of iron.

And when I withdraw, it legitimately hurts people, whether I intend that or not. And It is my fault, prophesy fulfilled. Constantly playing Dodgeball with Apollo. Stung So Many Times... Right in the Face.

[roo-bastmoon]

I love jimin so much...so so much. He's hyping up hobi now.. he's an amazing person. he's so emotionally intelligent. The person whose gonna get him for Lifetime...is do damn lucky.like hella lucky. Evryone in the group have something special about them but the way jimin hits my heart...nobody did. And let me clear first that m not a jimin bias by d way..m jk bias and m clearing this bcz of what m going to say now( bcz when i said something against jikook, some jkkrs answers me like m a jimin bias thts why m victimizing him).

I just wanted to say that i fully fully agree with you. And i didn't even knew that he said he doesn't know jimin's any solo songs?? When he said tht? It's hurting me now...i mean really? And the things you mentioned... happened in the concerts..*sigh* i felt all of that too.jk is so moody i think...i mean i cant judge him bcz we don't him personally but it really feels like he behaves with jimin acc to his moods but wth other members... always close, respectful,and just...close and comfortable but with jimin...sometimes it really looks like..may jk feels now after years that he can do and said wtever he wants with jimin... doesn't matter jimin what jimin exactly feels. I don't even now wt m saying bcz there is a lot of things i want to say but basically m here bcz i wanted u to know tht i agree with you fully and jk is not same with jimin.

I just want them to be happy and respectful with eachother if they ever seprate from eachother bcz jimin also deserves hyping up, encouragement, compliment...even if with you was not hybes work but still as a friend...the members atleast said something on their vlive if not on ig but nothing happened and it hurts me so much.

I hear you, Nonie. There's no one on earth quite like Park Jimin and he deserves all the love and support. (JK mentioned not hearing Jimin's solo work during the festa dinner, and he aggressively teased Jimin about it, saying six times he was upset and making Jimin apologize. But Jimin did mention he invited all his members to come hear his songs, and only Yoongi heard the one he worked on and Hobi heard another b/c he happened to be in the building at the time.) I am Jimin biased and sometimes it hurts my heart to see how much emotional labor he does for others and how little he receives in return (at least publicly). But Jimin has said he's really bad at receiving support, and he is not a child or a victim; I've seen him stand up for himself too, so, I have to conclude the members express their true feelings for Jimin off camera. I hope so at least.

As for fellow Jikook fans, I look at their reluctance to discuss JK's moods and hot/cold treatment of Jimin as one of two things--1) either they have been rubbed raw by the cult attacking every little thing and/or insecure newbies constantly asking for reassurance, or 2) they were like me as a kid, angrily resistant to the idea of my parents getting divorced (until I realized they were better off that way). I suppose the third option is that they generally don't see anything off and are exasperated that others keep bringing up something they just genuinely don't register.

People invest a lot of emotion, time, effort, and identity into BTS and it can be heartwrenching to think any of the members are going through painful times, like breakups or scandals or whatever. Unlike the cult, I don't know a single Jikook supporter who has said they will unstan BTS, Jimin or Jungkook if Jikook isn't a thing. We all just want the boys to be happy, supported, appreciated, and treated fairly. If they are in love, bonus. If not, again, the real fans just want them to be fulfilled. <3

[fangirleaconmigo]

Geralt of Rivia vs Dandelion, and Education

One of my favorite qualities of The Witcher books is the complexities of the characters and how their (often abusive) pasts are a dynamic and believable part of forming their characters.

This feels especially authentic in the Geralt/Dandelion friendship around themes of education. (Dandelion is Jaskier in the show.)

You might expect Dandelion, the man with a degree in the seven liberal arts from the preeminent educational institution to be the one to hold formal education in high esteem. You might expect Geralt, the witcher who makes his living providing dangerous manual labor, to be the one who puts less emphasis on education. (Yes I have already talked about how educated Geralt is, but humor me a little bit more in this context)

But right away, in The Last Wish, it is apparent that these expectations would be completely off the mark.

In their first scene together, Dandelion finds Geralt in Nenneke's library. Geralt has spent a few days in the library at that point, studying The History of the World by Roderick de Novembre. There is no mission or hunt related reason. He just likes learning and thinking.

Dandelion greets him, states that he did read the book at Oxenfurt, but that History was not favorite subject. He says that Geography was his favorite subject because you could "hide a demijohn of vodka" behind an atlas. He refers to Roderick de Novembre as "that old fart."

When Geralt offers him booze,

"The bard visibly cheered up. "Wisdom and inspiration, I see, are still to be found in libraries. Oooh! I like this. Plum, is it? Yes, this is true alchemy. This is a philosopher's stone well worth studying..."

Then Geralt waxes philosophical for four and a half pages about the ethics of his profession, bemoaning the difficulty of making a living when people are constantly expecting him to do cruel things, like kill or capture innocent creatures who aren't hurting anyone.

Dandelion calls him "philosopher" and urges him to stop feeling sorry for himself. He tries to get him to take action instead. He says that Geralt should either switch professions, or loosen up his ethics in order to better financially provide for himself.

He advises Geralt to:

"become a priest. You wouldn't be bad at it with all your scruples, your morality, your knowledge of people and of everything. The fact you don't believe in any gods shouldn't be a problem..."

The noble born, educated man is dismissive of historians and libraries, and stresses the importance of booze, pragmatism and survival. The witcher, by contrast, has spent days studying and thinking about history by choice, and has a steadfast attachment to ethical behavior and moral philosophy.

This makes SO MUCH SENSE to me. The recurrent theme is choice and expectations. What happens when you aren't given a choice? And how do inflexible societal expectations form you? Who do you become when you are forced to constantly push back against them?

Neither Geralt nor Dandelion had a choice in their early lives.

Not only was Dandelion, as a minor noble, not given a choice to be formally educated, but he was abused in the process. According to Geralt, Dandelion studied at a temple where literacy was "beaten into him" with a cane. It wasn't as horrific as the process of making a witcher (not much is), but for Dandelion, books and libraries remind him of having a lack of power over his own life, punctuated by beatings. He spent his college years constantly wasted, which, in this context, suggests to me that he arguably used alcohol as an emotional escape. Also, Dandelion knows the historians and academics personally, and how they treated him (for good or bad) probably also colors his judgment.

Whereas Geralt was forced into a profession where people always want to use him as an unthinking tool of violence. All he wants is to use his profession for good, and all everyone else wants, is to use him for any violence they need him to commit. In The Last Wish, he infuriates both Calanthe and Yen with his refusal to commit violence for them. He infuriates Foltest by insisting on using his own judgment with the striga. They are all pleased with his work by the end, but he has to defy them all to different degrees, risking punishment by execution each time, to handle their problems the way he sees fit. Geralt's desire to use his intellect and to stick by his ethics are a huge economic and physical liability in his life.

So, it makes perfect sense that in The Witcher, the 'lower class' man is the hero who fights to live by his own ethical code. The poet is the pragmatist. The survivor.

The monster hunter is the philosopher who finds refuge in books and libraries. The man with the degree in the seven liberal arts just wants to drink and love and be by his best friend's side.

I appreciate characters that reflect the nuances of how a person would develop under different types of early abuse or trauma or just under inflexible sets of societal expectations. That is how you defy expectations, subvert stereotype, and create characters that feel real to people.

Look, I could go on. There is so much more to the nuances of this friendship. And so many more witcher characters this applies to. But thanks for letting me ramble. I love that I've found people on the internets who like to nerd about about this stuff as much as I do.

[viktormaru]

Ok, here's my big post on my thoughts on Viktor's lore and how it compares to Viktor in Arcane

Obviously: spoilers for arcane until episode 6, and spoilers for viktor's current in game as of this date I guess?

Ok let's get into it

First of all Im gonna adress something that I mentioned on twitter. Riot basically confirmed Arcane isn't the definite canon but tried to rely as much on canon as it could, so basically its a soft canon.

I think that's good. League of Legends is a game that is constantly pumping new characters, claiming a story as the definite truth makes it harder to add to it later, as much as it sucks to lose consistency because of it.

But! That's the point I want to make with this point. They DID try to lean on the guts of what the characters' lores in it are and they made this new thing that still feels legit in a way. At least so far (we dont have act 3 out yet).

So Viktor right? First of all we never had a real young Viktor design, the closest we got I guess was prototype, and I'm not joking when I say I like this skin

The info we had on Viktor was that he was a genius, was ostricized by his peers in Piltover, very passionate about science and sympathetic towards the problems of the people of Zaun.

Then Arcane Viktor is... a genius, not very popular (this is an assumption based on the fact he's never really out with people), very passionate about science and sympathetic towards the problems of the people of Zaun. So it checks. He looks nerdy and I like that for him even though the fun in masked characters is usually that we don't know what they look like. This isn't abt his design, its abt his character and lore.

Viktor is from the Entresol level of Zaun, Zaun is full of toxins in the air basically and this is where most of what the call the Zaun Grey stays. Theres a lot of manual labor and factories here, it's basically the underbelly of Zaun. This seems to be true in both Arcane and In-game lore so keep it in mind.

In his in game-lore as a kid he had to constantly move because of the constant spills, accidents and other dangers that would come from those factories and that encouraged him to find a solution to that, making inventions that would make work safer and protect his people. It was through his inventions that he was invited to join the Piltover Academia.

And that's a constant in Viktor's inventions, most of his creations is to save lives or diminish suffering. He created Blitzcrank to control a chem-spill, he keeps using techmaturgical technologies to help people despite constant failures, he will disregard possible misuse of his technologies because HE intends to use it to help. Viktor is banned from the Academy because he doesn't see evil in what he does because he wouldn't misuse his technology. He's a logical man through and through, he doesn't see anything to be gained by harming other people (if he has no specific reason to do it).

Later with his Glorious Evolution, Viktor is trading human parts for robotic ones because they are more sturdy, they don't get sick or break like human bones do. He works on removing his emotions because him being fucking basically depressed was getting in the way of helping people. Viktor biggest motivation was this like misguided (?) desire to stop all the death and suffering that he grew up around. He's trying to go against the natural order to avoid it.

Now for Arcane Viktor we see he acquired a good position within the academia on his own, true to his genius nature and Stanwick, the professor that had originally invited him to Piltover seems to be out of the picture in the series. However there is a crucial change to Viktor right off the bat: Viktor is disabled. He needs an aid to walk. He's the same ambitious dude, not being content with his position int he academy, and sure enough on his beliefs he was willing to lose his carreer for Jayce's idea because he believed it to be good. He voices his desire to help the people of Zaun and that seems to be the goal he has with his inventions. Comes major change number 2: Viktor got sick from his years spent on the Entresol and is dying, FAST. We can see him start to spiriling down into means of using the technology he invented to work to save him. Viktor is trying to use his inventions to stop death at all costs.

You see where I'm getting at? We're getting to the same point basically. But now instead of Viktor working to save the people he had to watch die time and time again needlessly, the producers sped up the process to fit the series by making his issues much more personal. Viktor now understand in the flesh what is is to be fragile, to have your body fail to your expectations and sucumb to disease, pain and death. But the core of Viktor is still there.

My only concern with what's to come is that Viktor has always been a very logical man, he does things because he thought about them and made sense of them to be true based on his vision of hte world. He's no impulssive and he's not emotion driven, he's not prone to act without thinking. And again, Viktor never acted to hurt people, specially the vulnerable (though he has attacked Jayce, for example, with the reason that he NEEDED the crystal he had to save people, and if hurting Jayce meant saving dozens of other lives, that was a clear choice), so there's a part of me that fears what Singed being in the picture could mean to a Viktor who had a very fast ride to the point of Change instead of the very slow progress he had in the game lore. In Arcane he hasn't had time to think of the Glorious Evolution much, in his in game he kept seeing the same thing happen over and over again.

But yeah I can't say much about that because act 3 is not out yet... I'm excited for it though, I do hope we get a glimpse of robot man I love him very bad. And again, this is all my opinion and interpretations, I do have a specific vision of Viktor I like more and that is of a very sympathetic person instead of that of a villain and that is my bias and could pretty much be not the truth. I also don't remember his old lore and thus don't have any influence from that. Let's see where this all goes so I make another huge post for no reason.

On another things to note from the show:

- Jayce is so much nicer in the show than in the game's lore?? I NEED to consider this a soft canon or else Jayce, taking into account what he does in the in game lore, is a WORSE person that I imagined. Like, REALLY MUCH WORSE HOLY SHIT..... It's even funny just how much worse it makes him.

- On that note, I don't think Jayce did anything bad to Viktor in the series other than have a social life? TO VIKTOR, he's totally being an idiot and falling into a trap that's for sure but their friendship seems ot be going well with Jayce defending Viktor and supporting his ideas and inviting him to the stage to present his work as well, that's neat.

- Baby Viktor is fucking adorable I love him

- Heimerdinger comes off as a fucking horrible person telling Viktor to be patience and wait out a decade to perfect his work when Viktor is fucking dying and Heimer is like 300 years old LMAO

- I kinda agree with [Ikleyvey's take on twitter] about hwo the sicence aspect of the show works. It's confusing, doesn't seem to be coming from anywhere and make sense anywhere and it sounds like just a bunch of words thrown in for you to not understand, and they don't explain what it means because you're not supposed to make sense of it. It's a shame bcs I do wish we got to see more of it but it is what it is I guess.

I think this is it? so holy shit if theres anything I somehow missed or whatever feel free to ask me? Don't fight me abt it though this is just for fun and I dont hold the truth this is just my onion

TL;DR: Viktor Arcane and Viktor League of Legends are both motivated by their desire to stop suffering and death, against the natural order of things, even it falls within morally grey area very fast. The only difference is how fast that idea becomes "too much" in the eyes of others.

[themountainsays]

Tbf, the only version of Isabela who doesn't need both a hug and a slap to the face is post-WECID!Isa. Even then I bet she still has her moments. What would Isa still choosing to leave mean for her character arc, tho? Would she still feel like her family is better off without her? Somehow I don't think either Mira (who's in love by then, I imagine) or Dolores (who just got her bff back) would just let her go without making it absolutely clear that she's hurting them by leaving, cracks or no.

Post-wecid isabela already got her slap and her hug she has been cleansed.

Mmm. Well Isa leaving isn't as much about Isabela herself as it is about the family being unable to change. She's not just hateful and desperate to go discover the world. I think she's quite terrified, actually, considering the historical context. Even if she doesn't know what's out there, she still loves the Encant0 and her Casita and her home and deep down she loves her family too. But she's tried for years to help them understand and change and they only punish her in return. She can't be herself with them if she wants to be loved. She feels constantly under attack and she's exhausted of not living her life for their sake. Leaving is a perfectly understandable decision. In order to get her to stay, the family needs to understand her and earn her forgiveness. I think all Isabela would need to do in that case would be to open up her heart a little to give them a second chance, but I don't think that'd be so difficult since by this point she's mended her relationship with Mirabel, Dolores, Antonio and possibly Bruno, so like she knows the family is capable of working on its problems, she just know that they don't want to. Because Alma says it to her face. Whenever Isabela brought up her concerns, Alma replied with something along the lines of "you're asking us to change and be something we're not, but we're not going to do that. I don't see why we should". And it always upset Isabela so much because she had to change over and over again to survive in their fucked up home but Alma just decided she doesn't want to change herself so everyone else can go fuck themselves or whatever. You see where I'm coming from? Isabela certainly has a lot of work to do on herself but that has nothing to do with her decision to leave, because Isabela realizing it's unfair that she needs to do all the emotional labor to be with her family and giving up on them to priorize her own happiness isn't a mistake. It's a natural consequence of the way they've been treating her for years.

Isabela telling herself that she's doing the family a favor by disappearing is also a factor, yes, but she's not leaving for entirely selfless reasons. She just wants to live in peace. Though knowing she has people that want her to stay would certainly make her feel more conflicted. I believe that, at certain point, Mirabel would understand and sympathize with Isabela's struggle so much that she'll believe she's just holding her back from a life of freedom and happiness, and may even tell her she should go if that's what she needs ;-;

[imaginationintowords]

Folklore [song series]

my tears ricochet

Modern Day AU! Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff; Steve Rogers x OC!Reader

Plot: Inspired by Taylor Swift’s new album Folklore. The story follows the timeline of Bucky and Elizabeth’s life throughout the years

[warnings: death, and funeral]

word count: 4829

[a/n: sorry for such a long wait. I've been busy. I thought once I was done for the semester I would have a lot more time to work on my stories, but if anything my summer break has been more hectic. Just because I haven't been posting, doesn't mean I haven't been working on them. Just know that I am working on the new chapters for this and for TKWBA, just need a bit of patience from you all. Also thank-you for the continue love and support on all my work]

Series Masterlist

Tag list info here [if you want to be tagged please read this]

Age: 21

Year: Sep. 2015

Location: Brooklyn, NY & Stanford, CA

Elizabeth was sat at her desk doing her homework. She was anxiously waiting for Steve's call about the baby arriving. He had called her two hours prior to let her know that Natasha had gone into labor, and they were at the hospital. Steve told her that he'd call her as soon as he heard the news. She tried her hardest to focus on her homework, but she found herself constantly checking her phone for any updates.

Suddenly her phone started going off. She instantly picked it up and answered the call.

"Is the baby here?" She immediately asked.

"Liz," Steve choked out.

"Steve, what's wrong?" She could hear the distress in his voice.

"Natasha, she," he tried to say but the words got caught in his throat, and she could hear the soft cries.

"Steve, breathe," she tries to calm him down the best she could without actually physically being with him.

Elizabeth was simultaneously trying to keep herself calm, and not rush into any assumptions.

"She died," he said after calming himself down enough to tell her what happened.

"She died?"

"I guess there were complications, he tells her, still unsure of what exactly happened.

Steve hadn't thought to ask further into what exactly happened when Bucky's mom called to tell him the devastating news. He couldn't wrap his head around what she was telling him. He just never imagined that this would be the outcome of his best friend welcoming his first child into the world.

Steve clears his throat trying to force the lump back down.

"I'm catching the next flight out to New York," he tells Elizabeth, "I just gotta be there for Bucky."

"Yeah, of course," she says, completely understanding.

"I know you can't exactly fly out now, without letting your professors know, so as soon as I find out all the funeral," his throat catches at the word, he takes a small breath, "all the funeral information I'll let you know."

"Okay that works," she agrees.

"Okay. I haven't to pack real quick and get to the airport within the next hour," he tells her.

"Okay, I'll let you go."

"Wait, Steve," she calls out before he could hang up.

"Yeah?"

"I love you," she says with a shaky voice.

"I love you too, so much," he says, "I'll text you when I board the plane."

After one final goodbye, Steve hangs up the phone.

The flight seemed like Steve's longest one he's ever been on. As soon as he landed he quickly grabbed his carry on, the only thing aside from his backpack that he brought with him. Elizabeth had messaged him letting him know that she could bring more of his stuff once she flies out.

Steve made his way out of the airport to find his mom waiting for him by her car. He quickly made his way towards her and wrapping his arms around her.

On the drive to Bucky's apartment Steve sent Liz a text letting her know he landed. He then called Bucky's mom to let her know he was on the way.

"Thank-you for coming out Steve," Winnie thanks him, "The baby is just about to get discharged, we should be at the apartment before you get there."

"Of course, I'll see you guys soon," he says hanging up the phone.

Steve then sends a quick email to his boss and professors explains his absence and why he'll most likely be gone for a couple of weeks.

An hour later Steve's mom was stopping outside of Bucky's building.

"Let them know I'm here if they need anything," his mom tells him before he exists the car, "I'll come back at noon with lunch for everyone."

"Thanks Mom," he says leaning over to kiss her cheek.

Steve exists the car leaving his bags with his mom. He takes one final breath before walking to the front doors. Steve presses the call button for Bucky's apartment and was immediately buzzed in.

As soon as he reaches Bucky's door, he knocks quietly. The door opens and he's welcomed by Rebecca. He takes in the sullen face on the teenage girl.

"Hey Bec," he says.

"Hi," she quietly says, as they hug each other in the door way.

When they pull apart she steps aside letting him inside.

"It's just my parents and I here. Bucky didn't want to deal with a lot of people right now," she explains to Steve.

"Steve," he hears from his left, Keith, Bucky's stepdad makes his way out of the small kitchenette over to him, and embracing him, "Thank-you so much for coming. We know you're a very busy person."

Before Steve could respond Bucky's mom Winnie walks into the living room.

"Oh Steve," she immediately wraps her arms around him.

"Thank-you so much for coming on such a short notice," she says. Steve could hear the shakiness in her voice. He could tell she was trying to keep it together. No doubt the last 12 hours being the most stressful and emotional she's ever been.

"There's no need to thank me. This is where I need to be," he tells them.

"Let us at least pay you back for the flight," Keith says.

"No, don't worry about that," Steve waves him off, "I had a lot of miles that needed to be used."

"Well, thank-you again," Keith nods his head, understanding where Steve was coming from.

"You can go on ahead Steve. Bucky is waiting for you in the nursery," Winnie tells him, giving him an assuring nod, he nods back making his way towards the nursery.

The short walk seemed like it was much longer. Steve has never felt so nervous in his life. When he approaches the closed door, he softly knocks on it.

"Come in," Bucky calls from inside.

Steve walks in, closing the door behind him. He's immediately greeted by Bucky sitting in the rocking chair in the corner of the room, feeding his newborn daughter.

"Hey," Steve softly says, not sure what to say.

"Hey," Bucky greeted Steve with a sad smile.

It had been 12 hours later and it still didn't feel real to Bucky. The hospital had even offered the chance for him and Poppy to stay a couple of days, but all Bucky wanted to do was to go home and get away from the hospital. But now being back in the apartment without Natasha was surreal. He was trying his best to keep it all in, at least while the baby is awake and needs him.

He was determined in being the one that cared for her, even when his mom offered to take care of her for a few hours while he gets some rest. He assured her that he needed to do this. He had to do it alone, because he knew that soon enough it would just be him and Poppy.

Bucky was very grateful when he heard Steve was flying out. He felt like Steve was the only one he could really talk to about everything going on.

Steve was still standing by the door, just watching his best friend be a dad for the first time. He had no idea what to say in this kind of situation. The words were caught in his throat the moment he actually saw Bucky.

"Thanks for coming," Bucky says breaking the silence. Steve immediately looks away from the baby to meet Bucky's eyes.

"You would've done the same thing," Steve says, "And like I've said before, I'll always be here for you."

"I don't care how far, I'll always be on that first flight to you," Steve continues, he glances down at the now sleepy baby, "You're my brother Buck."

There was a moment of silence between the young men. Both understanding what the other one means with such few words.

Steve watched as Bucky gently placed the sleepy baby on his shoulder to burp her.

"It suits you," Steve quietly remarks.

"What?" Bucky looked up at him confused.

"Fatherhood, it suits you," Steve says again, stepping closer to his friend.

"You think?" Bucky looks back down at the now sleeping baby.

"Yeah. I know it's only been less than a day, but you look natural. Make it look easy."

"Thanks," Bucky smiled, getting up for the he chair and walking over to the crib to gently place Poppy in.

Steve walked over, standing next to Bucky, watching the little one sleep peacefully.

"What's her name?" Steve whispered, realizing that he hadn't found out what the name of the baby was.

"Poppy James Barnes," Bucky proudly says.

"That's cute," Steve commented, he placed his right hand on Bucky's left shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

Bucky looked over at Steve and they both nodded their heads in agreement, before falling into an embrace.

"I am so sorry," Steve quietly says.

"It happened so quick, she barely even got to see the baby," Bucky quietly cried into Steve's shoulder, "I never even thought of this would be the outcome. I never imagined I'd be coming home solo with the baby."

Steve tightened his embrace on Bucky, just listening to his friend.

"I don't know how I'm going to do this Steve. I don't know how I'm going to raise her without her mom. I'm trying to keep it together to not worry my mom, but fuck Steve, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared I'll screw this all up. I'm scared I'll screw her up.

"I'm so scared Steve," Bucky cries.

"It's okay to be scared," Steve tries his best to comfort Bucky, "I'd be more concerned if you weren't scared. This is entirely new territory for you. You're raising a child, a child who unfortunately no longer has her mother. That alone is a fucking terrifying thing to go through.

"It's not going to be easy. There's no point in lying to you, and saying it will. You and I both that won't be the truth. But if there's anyone I know who could do this, it's you Buck. You're the strongest person I know. Whatever has happened before this doesn't matter. The only thing that matters now is that little girl. And I know damn well you're going to give her the best life she will ever have," Steve pulls away from Bucky and holds onto his shoulders.

"And you're not alone in this. You have a lot of people who care about you, and now Poppy. You will never be alone. You'll always have someone to call, someone to help you. You're crazy to think we would ever leave you to do this alone. We're here, and we're not going anywhere. You and Poppy will never have to be alone. She might not have her mom, but she's got you, and I know damn well you won't ever let her wonder what being without one parent truly feels like.

"You've got this Buck," Steve assures him, "And we're here every step of the way."

"Thanks Steve," Bucky sniffles, wiping the tears away.

"No need to thank me," Steve smiles, "Now why don't you go take a nap. Get some rest. We're here if Poppy wakes up."

"Yeah I could use some sleep," Bucky yawns, his adrenaline from the last 12 hours fading away.

Steve walks Bucky to his bedroom and watches as he gets into his bed, and quickly falls asleep. He quietly closes the door behind him, with the baby monitor in one hand checking to make sure Poppy is still asleep.

He walks back into the living room, placing the monitor by the tv for everyone to see and hear.

"They're both asleep," Steve announces to the room.

"Oh thank goodness," Winnie sighs, "James hasn't taken a moment to rest since everything happened."

"Knowing Bucky, we'll probably have to be forcing him to rest for the next couple of weeks," Steve says.

"I just got off of the phone with Natasha's father," Keith said walking back inside the apartment.

"What did he say?" Winnie asked.

"He said that the funeral is all up to us," Keith sighs, "Something about how Natasha made her own path with getting pregnant, and that once she left she was no longer his responsibility."

"He really said that?" Winnie asked mortified.

"I'm afraid so," Keith sighed, "I tried reasoning with him saying we would handle everything financially and he can come to the funeral but he said no."

"What kind of father doesn't show up to his own daughter's funeral," Winnie shakes her head in complete disbelief.

"Explains why Natasha was the way she was," Rebecca whispered, so that only Steve could hear her.

He reluctantly agrees.

Two weeks later

Elizabeth was helping Steve with his tie in his childhood bedroom. She had flown in yesterday for today's funeral services. Elizabeth had gotten in late last night, so she still hasn't seen Bucky or Poppy yet. She was a let to get a week off of work and her professors gave her an extension on her assignments when she explained to them what happened.

"I still can't believe Natasha's dad isn't going," she says as she straightens out Steve's tie.

"Bucky's mom is still holding out hope that he shows up," Steve says.

"What does Bucky think of it all?" Elizabeth asks.

"He's not worrying about it," Steve explains, looking over himself in the mirror, "His only concern right now is Poppy and only Poppy. If Nat's dad shows up then he does. But as of now Bucky has made the decision that he will not be in Poppy's life. Not until he proves himself."

"That's very mature," she says grabbing her purse.

"This Buck is like a whole new one you've never seen before. Fatherhood has made him a thousand times more grown up these last couple of weeks."

"That's good."

"Ready to go?" Steve asked her, grabbing the keys to his mom's car.

"Yup," Elizabeth says following Steve out.

Bucky had asked Steve to pick him and Poppy up, and Steve had of course agreed.

They arrived to Bucky's apartment in fifteen minutes. Walking up to Bucky's door they could hear a lot of commotion coming from inside. Steve used the key Bucky gave him to let himself and Elizabeth in.

As soon as they walked in they were greeted by the sounds of a baby crying.

"Buck?" Steve called out.

"We're in here," he calls from the nursery.

They go to the nursery to find Bucky looking frazzled while trying to change Poppy's diaper.

"I'm so sorry. I'm running so behind," Bucky tells them, glancing over his shoulder quickly,

"Poppy didn't sleep well last night. And nothing I've tried has been working."

"It's okay Buck, just take your time," Steve calmly says.

"I still need to shower, shave, and get dressed," Bucky rambles, "She's going to need another change of clothes because she spat all over herself, and my mom only bought this one outfit for today."

"Hey Bucky, calm down," Elizabeth calmly spoke up, placing her hand on his back, "Take a breath."

Bucky felt the warmth and comfort from Liz's touch. He listens to what she says and takes a deep breath.

"Okay good," she says, "now you go get ready. Steve and I got this."

"Okay," he nods his head, handing the baby over to Elizabeth, "thank-you."

"Of course," she softly smiles at him, "now go get ready."

Bucky quickly makes his way out of the room and into his own to get ready.

Elizabeth looks down at the small baby in her arms. She could see so much of Bucky in the baby with hints of Natasha. It was a little strange for her to be holding Bucky's baby and it not being her baby as well. Not that she ever wanted to get back together with Bucky, because she didn't. There was just a little voice in her head, that of her teenage self, saying how it was supposed to be them, doing this together.

She quickly shut the voice down.

Elizabeth was incredibly sympathetic of Bucky's situation. All she wanted to do was be there for him, as a friend. She wanted Bucky to succeed as a father, and she would do what she could to make that happen.

Steve silently watched Elizabeth watching Poppy. He couldn't really read her expression. He hates to admit it to himself, especially with everything going on, but he was slightly worried about how Liz would react to all of this. He had faith in their relationship, of course he trusted her immensely. But he still couldn't help but feel like she might decide to leave him for Bucky. Elizabeth turned around to see Steve looking at her with a distant look in his eyes.

"You good?" She gently asked, breaking him from his self-destructive thoughts.

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah," she nods her head, handing the baby over to him, "I'm going to try and find her a new outfit.

"Okay," Steve says sitting down with the baby.

"I love you," Liz quietly says to Steve, knowing what could possibly going through his mind, if hers was also wandering.

"I love you," Steve replies back, finding himself relaxing at just hearing those three words, any doubt slipping away.

30 minutes later Bucky was ready to go. He walked out to the living room where he found Steve and Elizabeth sitting with each other holding the baby. He paused for a moment taking in the scene in front of him. He felt a sense of warmth and low flow through him as his closest friends admire his daughter. In that moment he knew he had made the right decision in what he would tell them next.

Steve glanced up to see Bucky leaning against the frame of the hallway.

"Ready?" Steve asked.

"Yeah, but I actually wanted to ask you two something before we go," Bucky says walking over and sitting on a chair next to the couch.

"Sure, what's up?" Steve leans forward, leaning on his knees, giving Bucky his full attention.

Elizabeth tears her eyes away from Poppy to also give Bucky her full attention. She smiles at him, letting him know he could continue on.

"I first and foremost just want to thank you Steve, for what probably is the hundredth time," Bucky says, "I know you have a lot going on with work and school. So I really appreciate everything you've done for me and for Poppy. And you too Elizabeth, I know you're incredibly busy especially with law school prep. And with everything that's happened between-"

"Don't," she stopped him, "What's past is past."

"Well anyways, thank-you," Bucky says, "Now here comes what I wanted to ask you two. There's no other two people I wouldn't trust more with Poppy. So I wanted to ask if you would be her godparents?"

"Really?" Elizabeth asked taken back by Bucky's request.

"Yes," he nods his head, "There's no one else I wouldn't trust with her if anything happens. It'll help me sleep better knowing she'll have two people who'll love her like I would. Two people who have so much love between them, that I know will always be together."

Both Steve and Elizabeth were taken back by Bucky's last statement. They knew Bucky had accepted their relationship, but to actually have him not only say it out loud but to practically give them his blessing, it meant the world to the couple.

Steve and Elizabeth both share a look with tears glistening in their eyes. Elizabeth nods her head.

Steve turns back to Bucky, "We'd be honored to be Poppy's godparents."

Elizabeth and Steve stood up to hug Bucky. All filled with a wide range of emotions. Bucky felt a huge sense of comfort after asking Liz and Steve to be Poppy's godparents. He knew he made the right decision, and he knew he could now sleep better at night knowing his daughter would be taken care of. And by two people he knows can love her the way he does.

After what happened with Natasha, Bucky just wanted to make sure Poppy would be taken care of. If she couldn't have her parents, then she would have the closest thing to having parents. And Bucky knows Steve and Elizabeth would be amazing parents.

That alone allowed him to be at peace for whatever may happen.

Arriving to the funeral location Bucky felt his nerves start to spike. He sat in the backseat looking out the window at the familiar faces walking into the chapel.

"You okay?" Elizabeth asked turning in her seat, after Steve parked the car.

"I don't know if I can do this," he mutters, glancing towards the sleeping baby in the car seat next to him.

"We'll be right next to you along the entire way," Liz calmly says.

"If you feel too overwhelmed we'll leave whenever you want," Steve tells him, "We won't stay if you absolutely can't handle it. No one will hold it against you."

"Okay," Bucky takes a deep breath.

"Stay here, I'll get the stroller out," Steve says, getting out of the car.

"No one is expecting you to be brave, Buck," Elizabeth says, "You're allowed to be vulnerable. You're allowed to show emotions."

He nods his head, taking in what she's telling him.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small necklace. Clutching onto it as if his life depended on it.

Elizabeth catches the small 'N' on it, realizing that that was the necklace Natasha wore everyday since she was 13.

Bucky takes one final deep breath, trying to calm his nerves.

"Okay, I'm ready," he tells her.

"Okay, let's do this."

Bucky was grateful that they arrived only minutes before the service started. Everyone was already seated in the pews.

He slowly walked down the aisle pushing the stroller, Steve and Elizabeth walking right behind him.

Bucky tried his best to avoid any eye contact with everyone. He couldn't bare to look at the pity in their eyes.

He caught sight of his family siting in the second row. He also noticed a man sitting alone in the first row.

He instantly knew who it was.

Once Bucky reached the first row, the man made to movement to greet Bucky.

Bucky cleared his throat, "Mr. Romanoff."

The older man looked over at Bucky, then at the stroller.

"James," he stiffly said, turning his attention back to the front.

Bucky awkwardly sat down placing the stroller next to his legs, away from Natasha's father, while Steve and Elizabeth sat next to Bucky.

The service was going smoothly up until the priest announced that Natasha's father would be making a speech, catching everyone off guard.

Bucky looked at the older man as he walked up to the stand. He turned around to face his mom, "Did you know this?" he whispered.

"No I didn't," she shook her head.

Right as Mr. Romanoff was about to start speaking, Poppy began to cry. Bucky quickly went to get her out of the stroller, while Steve quickly went to grab a bottle to help him out.

As soon as the baby calmed down Mr. Romanoff began to speak.

"First and foremost, I want to thank everyone for coming," he begins, "I really appreciate it. Natasha would be eternally grateful for all of you."

Bucky started to get annoyed by the beginning of Mr. Romanoff's speech. As if the man didn't turn down the invitation for the last two weeks. Now he's trying to act like the perfect father, as if he didn't kick her out and cut off his pregnant daughter.

"Natasha was a kind hearted person. Only wanting the best for those closest to her. She was the most selfless person you would have ever met," he continued on with his speech.

Elizabeth couldn't help but be confused by Mr. Romanoff's speech. She hated thinking ill of the dead, but that man had no idea who his daughter truly was.

"Natasha was so smart, earning her way into Yale. She was only months away from graduating. I was so incredibly proud of her. If only we would've gotten the opportunity to watch her walk across the stage.

"Other than leaving an everlasting impression on all of us, she also left behind a part of her. Her last moments on Earth was spent bringing in another Romanoff," he says.

Bucky's head snapped up to Mr. Romanoff, then towards Steve.

"Romanoff?" Bucky whispered, "This man has the fucking nerve."

"Ignore him," Steve whispered back, trying to calm Bucky down, "He's just saying all of this to make himself look good."

"Natasha brought her daughter into the world," Mr. Romanoff continued, forcing fake tears to fall, "I remember being by her side as she was in labor."

Bucky clenched his jaw, forcing himself not to call Mr. Romanoff out on his lies.

"As she was dying," Mr. Romanoff paused for dramatic effect, "Her only request was to name her daughter after her."

Steve paled his hand on Bucky's shoulder, trying his best to calm him down. It was too late, Bucky was already placing Poppy in Steve's arms.

"What a fucking lie," Bucky stood up shouting at Mr. Romanoff, causing everyone to gasp.

"James," Mr. Romanoff said through gritted teeth, as a warning.

"How could you just lie to all these people?" Bucky shouted, "How could you lie as if you didn't disown Natasha months prior when she told you she was pregnant. Or when my parents kept inviting you to the funeral, you kept saying no and how Natasha's decisions led to their death. How dare you say you were in the delivery room. As if you didn't have her number blocked.  My mom and I were there when things took a horrible turn. We were there when the doctor walked out and told us Natasha didn't make it. Not you! Us!

"Then you go on to make some shitty story about Nat's last words. Which is completely false. Natasha never wanted to name the baby after herself, you'd actually know that if you were actually present in her life. But you weren't. And you sure as hell will never be a part of your granddaughter's life."

Bucky turned to Steve and Liz, "Let's go."

They nodded their heads and helped put Poppy in the stroller. They followed Bucky as he walked out of the chapel.

After leaving the funeral services, Steve was able to calm Bucky down. Winnie had called Elizabeth to let her know that the burial services the next day were officially going to be private. Liz agreed that that'd be best for everyone involved. Especially with what happened during the funeral services.

The burial service was only attended by Bucky, and his family, along with Elizabeth and Steve.

Everything went along smoothly. Everyone giving Bucky the safe space to grieve.

After the burial, everyone gave Bucky a few moments alone at the grave site so he can say his final goodbyes.

"Hey Nat," he pauses taking a deep breath, "these last two weeks haven't been the easiest. But boy have they been amazing. I may be more exhausted than I've ever been, but boy is she worth it.

"She may only be two weeks but I can already tell she's going to be the most amazing person ever," he softly cries, "You would've loved her so much. But like I promised back at the hospital, she'll never not know who her mother was. I will always make sure she knows who you were. Always."

"Goodbye Natasha," he whispered, before walking away to join his family waiting.

Age: 26

Location: Brooklyn, NY

Year: 2020

"Daddy, what's this?" Poppy calls out to her father from his bedroom.

"What's what petal?" He asked walking into the room, finding her surrounded by boxes, as they prep for their move uptown.

"This," she holds up the small necklace with the 'N'.

Bucky kept that necklace in a small box in his nightstand. He kept it at the bottom of his nightstand for safe keepings. Planning on one day to give it to his daughter. He always planned to wait until she was 16, but he figures now is as good as ever.

"That was your mommy Natasha's," he said walking over to her, and sitting next to her on his bed, "She got it when she was 13, and wore it every day up until when she died."

"It's pretty," she says admiring it in her hands.

"It is isn't it," he smiles at his little girl, "It's now yours."

He grabs the necklace from her little hands. He unclasps it, then gently moves her dirty blonde hair to the side. He places the necklace around her neck, and clasps it shut.

"Thank-you daddy," she smiles brightly at her father, admiring the necklace that now lay on her chest.

Bucky smiled at his daughter, watching as she kept admiring the necklace. It was a little big on her, but he knew she would grow into it.

"Anything for you baby," he kisses the top of her head, "Anything."

[bookofmirth]

I haven't read ACOSF yet, and tbh I'm rather rusty with the characters but it was really interesting to read your opinion on Elain! I feel there's a lot of complexity to her. And how she presents herself as well because as you said we literally have no chapters from hers or Lucien's POV and I think that's the important point to note because right now we're all just guessing and assuming her to be like Feyre, but she's not. People deal/show their traumas in different way and l think people expect Elain to deal with it as Feyre did. But, Feyres trauma and Elains are very different!

I don't really know what I'm saying. But I read your answer and it made me go 'oh... Huh!' in a good way, it sparked my curiosity! So thank you! But I think Elain perhaps is the most complex person with their trauma. I know people say 'oh Nesta is so different' but (I specialised in drama therapy so I love psycho analysis) and what Nesta did is self destructive to prevent relationships to avoid hurt or more emotions that she doesn't want to acknowledge (in my opinion!)

Elain just shuts down. She doesn't drink, she doesn't screw, she just remains in her garden which in itself says a lot! That's a very grounding way to handle trauma and not a lot of people are aware of that side!

So yeah I don't know what I'm saying but I think it's a really interesting discussion!

I have so many thoughts about Elain! This took me a few days to get to because i knew I had a crapton of thoughts. So this is basically me using this ask to explain the way I see Elain post-acosf!

There are three important scenes in acosf off the top of my head: when Elain talks with Nesta and they fight, and then with Nesta and Feyre and she gets mad and leaves, and then Feyre and Rhys talk about her in their chapter. We’re getting a lot more information about her, and for me, it wasn’t so much about who she is, but why we don’t know who she is.

So far, what we’ve had is Feyre’s and Nesta’s POV. Even when Feyre and Lucien tried to help her in acowar, they were unable. So we’ve never had anything about Elain from someone who didn’t grow up with her and experience the same trauma (such as becoming destitute, their mother’s death, their father being beaten, the Cauldron, etc.)

The sisters do handle it very, very differently. And I think that at this point the fandom consensus is that Elain runs away from her problems, but I actually disagree, and partly because of what you mentioned - that she isn’t using those self-harming, destructive coping mechanisms. Nesta was avoiding her problems, hardcore. It’s absolutely possible that Elain avoids things, but I don’t think that she just runs from all of her problems because:

Elain grieves her father. Openly. She tries to accept the fact that it wasn’t her fault and that she couldn’t do anything about it. (See: her going to his grave in acofas, her first talk with Nesta in acosf.) Elain does not run from her grief, she doesn’t pretend it doesn’t exist, and she doesn’t hide it from others. As one of the most defining events we’ve seen her go through in the series, that’s a pretty big deal.

Elain does not cling to unhealthy coping mechanisms. There could be ways that she does this that we are unaware of. She does seem like the type who would be really, really good at making people think she’s okay, all while she’s silently imploding. But we don’t know that yet?

Elain does not isolate herself. 

However, Elain definitely needs to deal with some stuff! She definitely needs to deal with Lucien, and she needs to have an actual talk with Nesta because I don’t remember a single satisfying resolution between those two in acosf. Not like Nesta had with Feyre. 

I have this idea that is purely based on Elain’s line in acosf:

“I went into the Cauldron, too, you know. And it captured me. And yet somehow, all you think of is what my trauma did to you.” (pg. 233)

And then Feyre tells Nesta that yes, Elain was right. 

This is so so so sossosososos important. I cannot emphasize it enough. Elain is used to putting on a fake, smiling face because she doesn’t want the weight of her sisters’ concern. She has been pretending to cope for so long - and tbf, she seems to have been doing better than Nesta - that people not only forget that she has suffered, but she doesn’t feel like she can even express that suffering.

Emotional labor often means negating one’s own feelings in order to acknowledge or tend to someone else’s. And that is Elain’s major role, in the series. Feyre has been caring for everyone’s physical wellbeing (hunting), while Elain’s role has been to care for everyone’s emotional wellbeing. But, like with most emotional labor, it has gone unnoticed.

I’ve made posts about emotional labor in the past (four years ago!!!!) but I’m gonna spare you the link because a lot of it was about a ship that’s no longer a ship, so here is the relevant content:

What I am talking about is the regulation of emotion - any time that you give comfort, are especially attentive to someone’s needs, stop thinking about how you feel in order to focus on how someone else feels, try to cheer someone up, make sure that they are taking care of themselves, try to allay their insecurities, etc. Basically, helping them with any sort of emotional distress.

You know those posts you’ve seen, about women protecting men’s egos constantly? Or about making time for self-care? Or about recognizing toxic relationships? That tell you “if X is being demanded of you in a relationship, get out”? Those are ALL about emotional labor, broadly speaking. They are warning you not to do more than you can handle, more than you need to do, because it can be harmful to you.

If you have ever been expected to make a person or people feel better any time you are around each other (including when they are angry, upset, anxious, ill, frustrated, insecure, etc.), you have performed emotional labor. Pretty much everyone has done this at some point, unless you are a completely insensitive jerk.

Notice, though, that I said expected to and any time you are around them – this is where the problem comes in for YOU. This is not about just being there for a friend.

Making loved ones feel better is fantastic. Seeing people be polite and kind to one another makes my heart shine. That is not a problem in and of itself. That can be seen as emotional labor, but there are no requirements on you in those circumstances. This is something you are doing of your own free will.

The problem, again, is when this is expected, constantly, over time. Now, in my experience, the expectation is not necessarily coming from the other person. One of the problems with this type of labor is that not only do others expect women to perform these tasks, but women expect it of themselves.

It’s super easy to see this – who is expected to take care of a child when they fall? Who is expected to baby-sit? Who did you want when you were sick as a child, mom or dad? Who is expected to be sensitive and pay attention to others’ emotions?

For more info on this idea specifically, read Of Woman Born by Adrienne Rich. As a woman, I realized how much work I had been performing and how much it was harming me and I just… got real upset. She comes at this mostly from what a woman’s role is expected to be within the family, and might actually be a bit outdated in that respect because I feel like family structures and dynamics are shifting (that is a totally un-academic evaluation of the situation, don’t quote me on that), but still, it’s really informative.

While I was doing some research for this post I came across a peer-reviewed article about nursing and basically, high amounts of emotional labor led to anxiety and burn-out in those performing it. It literally will cost your mental health – not to mention your time, energy, attention, and it often requires you to ignore your own needs (this last part came from me, not the article). On the other hand, high levels of emotional intelligence (being able to recognize your own and others’ emotional states) meant less emotional labor (and therefore less anxiety & burn-out). One of the most important things to realize is that while you are taking care of someone else’s emotional needs, your own are frequently unmet. That is why it’s important to recognize this in yourself, not just in these characters.

So where does Elain fit in? Elain is the #1 emotional labor provider of the family, and she is about to freaking SNAP. I know, because once I realized how my trauma was hidden in order to spare someone else its consequences, I fucking SNAPPEd. I’ll also spare you the personal details, but Elain hasn’t been “okay”. She hasn’t been “boring”, or “nice”, or “chosen” Feyre over Nesta. She has literally been unable to express herself because (and I am NOT blaming Nesta or Feyre or her father one bit) her family’s emotional state has been so fragile, there hasn’t been room for Elain to feel or express her emotions in years. 

In the feysand short, Rhys says:

I wonder if everyone has spent so long assuming Elain is sweet and innocent that she felt she had to be that way or else she’d disappoint you all.

And that completely tracks. Everyone has gotten used to Elain being not just “nice”, but being the emotionally predictable one. The one they know they can go to for a smile. The one they can count on for never, ever making them realize that she has been through Some Shit Too. And being that person is exhausting.

When Feyre thinks about Elain not using Lucien’s gloves, 1) she still has them, otherwise she couldn’t think about Elain not using them, and 2) I like to see the gloves as something that she will come to use, once she realizes that she can feel and express those emotions without it causing a breakdown in the family. Right now, she just wants to feel. And she can’t do that emotionally, so she’s doing it physically. Once she heals and finds a better balance, she won’t need to resort to physical pain. (Which, lowkey has me thinking some other thoughts, but.... maybe later.) But anyway, once Elain does go through her very own special journey, I fully expect her to welcome those gloves. She won’t need physical pain to feel anymore.

Not to mention my completely unacademic and non-professional opinion that people will judge a nice women harshly for being rude once, but accept a woman with a history of rudeness for just “being that way”. It’s another way that Elain may feel trapped in her “nice girl” persona. I think she started out that way - kindness and light and generosity is 100% in Elain’s character in the first place. It’s not as if she went into the Court of Nightmares and suddenly Cassian thought, “wait, she fits right in to this shithole of depravity”. No, he still thought the literal opposite. It’s just that once people get used to you doing all their emotional labor, they will continue to take advantage of it, even if they don’t realize its cost.

[leefi]

ORV Liveblog 23 - Abandoned World (II)

Late...30's?!!!!!! KDJ is 28 this must be a mistranslation

His mother's already been released from prison for a while, then. Who was this person she was meeting?

oh kim dokja.....

oh kim dokja.........

TSP wanted to know about KDJ's mother when he had the memory recall as a ghost species too, but here I think they're reacting specifically to "that novel was all I had". (again, because i think they're the author)

Kdj's mom is the strongest reminder of the past "reality", and therefore interferes with the Fourth Wall the most strongly. Any sort of trauma can resurface it for him, but hers is the worst. Connections with the original reality hurt Kim Dokja...connections with the original reality break his immersion. We see the word "immersed" used a lot and I don't remember the contexts it is used in exactly, BUT an interesting thing to note is that it was used to describe TSP in the meeting with Persephone (though that can just be translation shenanigans so I'm not putting a heavy weight on that piece of info - also, 4W is a skill exclusive to him).

I don't really have anything conclusive to say, but "immersion" as a phenomena is interesting. My mind jumps to VR.

KDJ's views on life-taking are not this puritanical. Even for his mother to defend herself and her child against an abuser...there must be something else he's not telling us.

At this point, it already wasn’t a normal conversation between mother and son. This was why I didn’t want to talk to her. I knew what would happen when we talked. We knew too much about how to hurt each other.

I am going to go lie on the floor

There was an awkward silence before I spoke again. “Do you know the book called the Underground Killer? It was previously on the Kyobo bestsellers list.”

Talk about a book emerged all of a sudden. Yoo Sangah thought the previous topic was closed and replied awkwardly, “I think I’ve heard of it. Wasn’t it an amazing bestseller?”

“It was an essay written by an abused woman in prison after she killed her husband. It was praised by critics at the time. They said that a Korean version of Notes from Underground had come out. Of course, it was completely overrated.”

Yoo Sangah’s face suddenly darkened. She had noticed. I hadn’t changed the topic at all.

“That’s right. My mother wrote it.”

This...explains so much.

having his own life and trauma put up as a spectacle for others to see...no wonder he considered a story that only he could read so precious to him. oh kim dokja......

but does he not consider that maybe putting it down on paper was cathartic for his mother as well? there's the consuming of a story as catharsis, yes, but it isn't just borne out of nowhere. somebody labored to write that all down, and that can be healing within itself as well. though from what little I've seen, his mother doesn't seem to really care, and is a cold enough person that sharing her story was just opportunistic. though that could be a trauma response within itself too. you get trauma and you get trauma and you get trauma

anyway, moving back to the present - to have had spectators cheering him on and showering him with currency for this past month while people are being slaughtered around him? holy shit. i cannot imagine the rage and violation that kdj is feeling right now.

on twitter we call this "trauma dumping".

not gonna get emotional over this. not gonna get emotional over this not gonnaaaaaWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am so glad that we have YSA here. Because everyone has good hearts. but they are also so cagey and guarded and and angry and quick to retaliate but ysa is so kind. and she lets herself be vulnerable and it makes me cry T_T (in a good way!) she hasn't lost that vulnerability yet and I truly hope she never does. I'm so happy that kdj has her around!! not for moral reasons - like I said he already has a good heart - but just to establish some kind of sense of normalcy? an affirmation that it's okay to scream and cry and feel sorry for yourself and find it all unfair. tl;dr i need ysa to host a group crying session. please. y'all are gonna start biting other people if you don't get that out. see kdj this is why you're saying insane shit all the time 😒 you're invested in repression and a god complex when you should be investing in collapsing in your friends' arms and letting it all out 🙄🤧

And I'm really glad that YSA has KDJ here!! not just because she may not have been able to live without him, but because she's mmmmfjdueushsh. wjdhhsheehhshsfjshshs YSA...😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔 it helps that she's around someone who always has a plan/solution. everyone's suffering but this is such a shell shock for her and the kids (Jihye included) the most. When she cried by the fire...*makes grabby hands at her* give her to me. give her to me let me give her a hug 😭😭😭😭😭

God!!!! Everyone is so repressed!!!!!!!!!! *Points to KDJ and HSY* ESPECIALLY ESPECIALLY YOU TWO. YJH IS JUST AS BAD BUT I FEEL LIKE HE AT LEAST HAS SOME DEGREE OF SELF AWARENESS ABOUT IT. You two are like 👩🏻‍🦯🧑🏻‍🦯

One more thing I want to talk about. The parallel ways that KDJ compares himself to YJH (the "character") and YSA (the "person") are so interesting to me. "I can't do this, I'm not the protagonist...I'm not a protagonist...I'm not Yoo Jonghyuk". vs. "Yoo Sangah is a real life protagonist. She always knows just what to do. The world seems to turn towards her..." etc. etc. Kim Dokja is constantly telling himself that "I can't do that, I can't be that" when he is already doing that, and more. He's this story's savior.

[qualidude]

dude I really like you but "trans women" in majority don't care about anyone but themselves. they wouldn't do the same for transmascs. we perform a ton of emotional and otherwise labour for them constantly and never get much in return; they're always just shitting on us for our alleged "TME privilege" and milking whatever they can out of us. I've been like you for a few years until it drained me and I understood it didn't make me a better person to prioritise male people who usually don't want to make the smallest sacrifice for me and only expect to be catered to while they point and choose who can and cannot do and say what. makes me actually sad to see you try so hard when you don't have it better at all. cheers bro

what the fuck are you smoking? and keep it the hell away from me!!!!! 🤮🤮🙅🏻‍♂️🤢🤢🙅🏻‍♂️🙅🏻‍♂️🙅🏻‍♂️🙅🏻‍♂️🤮🤮

TRUST ME HONEY, you do not have to feel BAD for me because I have fucking basic empathy for trans women. Trans women are and have always been key members of our community and quite frankly how fucking dare you assume it’s somehow “emotional labor” for me to love, support, and listen to my trans sisters’ voices.

there is no “we” and there is no “they.” do not assume other transmascs share your shitty opinions. do not generalize trans women. I have NEVER been “shit on” for my privilege by a single trans woman, and tbh I am positive you have not either. Do I have to be able to acknowledge my privilege in order to not be a shitty person? YES! And if you’re equating having to recognize your privilege with somehow being oppressed by other trans people, then that sounds like a you problem buddy. We all have a common enemy, and that’s cishet people, not other trans people. It is not a goddamn competition for who is most oppressed. It is about us all lifting one another up.

sorry to hear it drained you to be a decent human being so you regressed to being a piece of crap! tbh you were probably rotten all along 🙂

maybe go to therapy instead of sending me this dumb shit like we’re friends or something idk just a suggestion

[mrslackles]

there is a follow-up on the op's tumblr to the racism post you reblogged that i think is just as important. it talks about the emotional labor of educating other fans. especially significant because the original anon said "but you can't tell me they don't handle their black characters well" which is not a good look at all. something that @septiembur & you mention having to do in your workplaces. sorry for that, btw.

Thanks, Anon! (x) 

So that everyone who reads my blog is aware, I personally don’t mind discussing race here to the extent that I am able (I’m fairly educated on the topic in general – in my country there is a huge emphasis on race at every single level of education and it was especially a huge part of my tertiary education – but as I’m not American, I’m not as up on everything pertaining to black Americans and Latinx cultures and specific struggles) because I find it better than never having the discussions to begin with. Dean’s obsession with Rio and its sexual slant (x, x and x) was bothering me a lot, for example, and there wasn’t anyone talking about it, so I was glad to bring it up and see if others resonated with how uncomfortable I was. 

I totally agree that that burden is unfair and that it’s not POC’s responsibility to educate anyone on the basics. I do hope that that doesn’t limit the discussions about the race relations on this show, though, because I do already find it fairly minimal in this fandom – I don’t know if that’s a consequence of most of the BNFs being seemingly white, or just a direct result of the show’s failure to meaningfully engage with intersectionality. 

I do want to speak to the burden in the workplace, though, because I’ve seen the argument from some people that criticising the way race is handled on the show is an erasure of the writers of colour on the writing team.

First, for context, I work in a writer’s room, of sorts. My brand is an industry leader in a white-dominated space and we make decisions that directly impact the industry – think the judges for the Oscars deciding which movies get nominated, making the rules that determine who will qualify and who will win, etc. Those are the kinds of decisions we make and the massive ramifications that follow. 

It’s a huge responsibility – every room I sit in is 90% white. My boss is white, their boss is white, their boss is white and their boss is white. 

There are three more brown people on my team vs 9 white people. Based on my position (that I’ve worked hard over years to attain), my opinion carries a fair amount of weight in the room and yet, still, ultimately I have no decision-making power. (Remember all those white bosses?) The best I can do is raise issues relating to diversity and hope enough of the white people in the room will deign to agree enough that it will be taken into account when it’s moved further up the white chain. When they make decisions I don’t agree with, I’m grateful for there being a public outcry about its racism, because I did what I could within the confines of remaining employed. Furthermore, it’s up to consumers to recognise what’s wrong. So people saying/implying “Manny/the writers obviously agree with what the show does” is tiring to me. If there are issues, those people would find themselves in very hot water if they spoke out about what actually happens behind the scenes. 

Secondly, just because there are POC in a group of people doesn’t necessarily mean they’re advocates. Those three other brown people I mentioned? They barely say a word about race in any of our meetings. It’s something that means a lot to me, so I’m the one constantly feeling the weight of the responsibility we have. But they’re just there for their paycheck. And you know what? That’s cool, too. Just like it’s not our responsibility to educate people, it’s also not our responsibility to have to advocate tirelessly (and it is exhausting) just for white people to acknowledge their privilege, especially when we’re in a professional setting and in an industry where that should be basic homework before we even get into the room. Every decision should include an intersectional discussion and it never does unless I bring it up. Again, that is so exhausting, not to mention demoralising. 

So to look at a group of people and just based off the colour of their skins assume that the product they’re making is somehow more noble is BS to me. I hope nobody ever thinks a decision my brand makes is racist, sees a team photo with a few brown people and goes ‘Oh, there are brown people so obviously this isn’t actually racist’. NO! Please, call out how racist it is because I can’t do so publicly! The very thought of someone using the colour of my skin to excuse something terrible The White Man I work for has done nauseates me. And it’s especially bad because I’m contractually obligated not to say anything against it.

Ultimately we don’t know whether the writers or actors of colour do in fact face these same issues. But I do know that if any of them do, it must’ve been a world of shit to deal with the horror of 2x13 (how that went down definitely would’ve been a high-level, and thus likely white-made, decision) and its problems just being buckled down on for S3. So to excuse the show by pointing out POC’s existence or seeming agreement with it isn’t a valid argument to me.

TLDR: If you don’t know the emotional burden the POC behind the scenes are carrying then don’t use them as a defence just because you like the end product. 

[queenofglitch]

i'm tired all the time. even thinking about schoolwork causes me anxiety.

taking any steps to work on it only gets me more and more panic until i eventually give in, and nope the fuck away. nothing gets done, and the ordeal leaves me exhausted, and for what? nothing. nothing at all. to call it frustrating is an understatement

i think it's time to face that my brain's not built for this shit. i'm only hurting myself more by trying to force it. i'm not mentally well enough for this, and maybe i won't ever be.

it doesn't help that i'm just reliving the same damn thing that happened last year. knowing that's probably adding to the harm, in the long run.

"this special honours thing was too hard for you, so we lowered the difficulty, and the stakes, and you mean to tell me you can't even do this much?" yes. that's exactly what i'm saying. i'm overwhelmed by my own emotions and i just can't.

...

now the problem lies in breaking the news. this is why i ran away last time...

i know what's coming. the accusations of laziness, the refusal to listen...

they'll ignore everything i'm saying and spin their own narrative based on their assumptions, won't they?

they'll assault me with words until i can't even think, won't they?

...

here i am, two weeks in, and i'm already too overwhelmed to continue. at least i'm wasting that much less of their money. heh.

if this is what i face now, imagine me trying to do the harder stuff. hahaha...

...

i just can't. do i want to give up on this? of course not.

but continuing, to me, is just a form of self-harm at this point. it's futile, and only serves to damage me.

i'm not mentally well.

i was doomed from the start, all over again.

...

i thought i could do it. i thought i was capable of it.

as disappointed as i'm sure they are... i'm probably more so.

i can't articulate the frustration i feel, right now.

but i'm tired of constantly pushing myself into the panic zone. i get paralyzed by fear, and then i run.

over. and over. and over again.

no, i'm not okay.

but i need to nip this in the bud before i get worse.

last year, there were nights where i laid in bed, wishing to simply disintegrate, to fade away, so that i could finally be free of all the stress and the panic and the fruitless fighting against my own dysfunction.

i can see the signs. if i continue like this... i'll just end up in that rut again. and i never want to be there again.

...

i never wanted to waste that money. i had every intent of finishing this.

i had hope for myself. and my mental illness said no.

the executive dysfunction, and the exhaustion, and the overwhelming panic about them finding out that i can't do this, said no.

i can't stress this enough. i am more frustrated about this than they'll ever be.

but i refuse to let myself die over this. and i came dangerously close last time.

...

i just want to exist, without people demanding things of me. i don't have the energy to deal with it, most days.

i love to create. i have the passion to give people things they would enjoy, but i know that surviving on that is basically futile.

but i have a set amount of mental energy. no amount of fighting will change that.

and oftentimes, people ask more than i can give.

...

my procrastination is either a panic response or an exhaustion response. sometimes both.

but people don't want to think about why someone else can't live up to their standards of "performance" and "productivity".

it's far easier to label them "lazy" and throw them under the bus than taking time to look at the causes.

far easier to demand the extra labor out of them, than taking the time and energy to accommodate them yourself.

[sporadicpatternsmasher-blog]

folded ontology...

There's consequences in all we say and do Go forward and walk your walk and I'll go ahead and talk my talk Quite distraught due to the fact that you're too good to be true I know that the Lord of Accord will be following me like my shimmering shadow wherever I walk I will walk and walk And I will talk my talk I will practice what I preach To the pupils, I will teach Pensive propositions is my speech's mission Honor and think through Constructive criticism Cleverly-written composition begin to slightly transition Take correction not for granite...with optimism that is symmetrical like a puny prism Free-spirited I long to be With you as long as I thrive to wondrously live I want to flee and be set free Let go and have consideration to generously give Be anxious for nothing Love all and do your thang God's spirit is available to us 24/7 I always make my way to 7-eleven Doing away with the latter days of my lament Live in the present of yesterday's tomorrow My mind constantly whirls around like a hurricane near the beach and tornado in the east side of the United States - my mind is cozy in God's tent Repenting slowly, but surely until sorrow is a healing scar that flies away in recovery like a splendid, spunky sparrow Hooking up problems I need to fix At least I don't receive a million kiks Tweet me, Facebook me, tumblr me...insta me...younow me... But I'll still be lonely as can be Fruit of the spirit drives me to drift away from deception's flow that's broad and deceiving Faithful and loyal with dignity and positivity is what I crave in my character of behave-and-be-brave... Self-control braces itself upon my inner being and I accept it kindly Patience paints a picture of peace in the frame of my mind silently Human nature Is enmity to God that is evil and impure It leads to death I'm sure God's way - the way of life at least in my humble opinion, which will be a fact in the near future It's okay to be different It's alright to be working on perfection As long as you repent For all the downfalls and sins we've committed that gave you inner infection Reveal to me His spirit and the life it produces fruitfully Zealous is the sun that shines upon me oh so dutifully Gracious be to the sons and daughters of Him who has made the world so beautifully Until Satan tainted it with sinister avarice and insidious, chaotic catastrophe Quit your disputes and quarrels and arguing alike Stop trolling people on the net...or you'll have something to regret Listen to instruction Accept correction You choose destruction or construction Do you want His amazing affection or His raging rejection!!? Foundation of faithfulness Goes to the called ones in God's family alone and He is the Father we look upon Obliteration of misery's mess Come on and follow me...I will be your responsible leader from now on I want knowledge from God From on high, not down below in Satan's Despising Nature People just ignore and nod Approach people in the nicest way and react, act and think good thoughts and good actions and interactions that are grown-up and mature Need I proclaim my beliefs to all the world, Lord? Should I explain myself constantly? What's my award? Reward? What if I commit sins that I can't afford? I hoard shame in my brain basement, but you played skillfully on the I-forgive-you keyboard There's a reason behind what God does Do not remain blind or deaf The spirit of stupor is splendid to my human nature....and its faithless flaws I don't understand your plate's creativity, my chill chef God selects His special chosen one He sees the nature and character of each and everyone He is the guide to everlasting life that's full of blessings and miracles But, my life is full of depression dungeons and mysterious black holes Eat Christ's flesh and drink His blood of His Father's Wise Sayings and Life-giving Word You must abstain from lusts of your gullible, heartless hearts and your prayers will be heard If you don't believe and betray Him for life, Your life will end in jaded death and strife I wish I can declare His Word to all nations But I get nervous and soft-spoken beyond frustrations and heightened hesitations I'm awkward... Why was I called in His church? Am I a bird that has nowhere to truly rest and perch? Predicaments in double trouble dilemmas substantially produce like cells in the body Free me, heal thee, I die for you to live...I live for you to die...your hard heart makes my softness wither with everybody Wide and broad are the path of many in this world of woe...and no one fully knows why Difficulty be to the few who choose the narrow route that leads to constructive criticism by Lotd Most High Once saved, always saved - A belief originated in Christianity I beg to differ - His saving grace has waved Its effortless goodbye to Human's Atrocity Labor in prayer, don't swelter Work in love, sweat off hate and swear not Be a giver, not a getter Resist the urge to sin and persevere always, even in the darkness we rot Discipline yourself Through enduring self-control Unlearn Satan's nature, as small as an elf Compared to God's Giant Word that is a life tool to be rid of the fool inside us as a whole Doing evil will have its aftershocks sting us like a viper It will shoot us down, so bite the bullet of the serpent's sniper I pray that I live in sanctuary city for the time being I envy the happy-go-lucky and dislike what I'm seeing Drinking in the Lord's yoke, Mixed with the Words He spoke You bind me with a biggo blind fold Your spirit's intention is to simply scold Faithful Moses parted the Red Sea Miracles and curses shelter thee I never knew that my life was of significance Until I noticed that everyone is living in ignorance Except the called ones... Faith that weigh a trillion tons Thank God for everything good His word is a nourishing food Emerge from the scorching coals and ice fire of your existence Transform yourself before you remain in ashes' realm...seek repentance The good news of the Kingdom of God is ringing in my ears Wondering when it will be that day of awesome forever years I will walk and walk And I will talk my talk I will practice what I preach To the pupils, I will teach Fret not the desires on fire and the passionate petitions of your young heart Do not worship other gods before Him - Frey will fade away from the start The gods of the east have come to get their revenge towards the gods of the east The battle between them is beast...it's like enjoying a feast of chaos and commotion and peace and emotion...but their attitudes puff up like the bread ingredients that includes yeast Inspired by (Matt. 7:13), (Matt. 11:29) and (Hebrews 11:24)

Imagine we live in an eco-normative story

of competing for wealth-commodities, cash piled in quantifiable currencies, collectively blinded to our Win-Win natural economic, ecological, psychological, biological health and well-being value roots. One day, our Permacultural Received View unveils a co-operatively synergetic evolution of positive health and articulation of mutual subsidiarity-- natural laws of economic and political and psychological and biological health and survival through thrival Permacultural Design, (and Taoist, and Buddhist, and JudeoChristian, and Islamic, and UU, and Sikh, and Hindu, with Ecological Wealth objectives defining spiritual principles, procedures, ethics laws of co-operative solidarity, co-passionate peace with ecojustice for all, mutually subsidiary freedoms to live full healthy lives balanced with freedom from dying deadly unhealthy deaths. Oh, yes! this feels familiar somehow. This appositionally poignant permaculture spectrum originates with the emptiness of winter's purgation, death, to evolve bio-systemically toward, to incarnate as to inform, to revolve full cycle to incorporate the opposite end of life's spectrum, not mere half-assed egocentric and anthrocentric competitive life, but fully sustainable health and well-being wealth from now through our grandchildren's grandchildren, and all their several cousins of diversely rainbowed and sensually intelligent holonic RNA/DNA-encrypted encrypting, predicting, forms with functional memory eco-logical species, bio-logic information processor systems, bicamerally fully conscious. We reverse our Left-brain dominant economic overshoot! Yeah us! As our cognitive disconnection from our own permacultural story evaporates, this confusion about measuring wealth with money rather than with sustainable, ecological health, about-faces toward inclusively co-operative survival of the most synergetically interdependent systems, evolving, positive deviant psychologizing new economizing healthy wealth, rather than BusinessAsUsual industry, pursuing toxic short-term Win-Lose evolutionary designs and plans for exponential development; collective worship of Left-brain dominant Ego-theism rather than continuing our pilgrimage toward Left-Right bicameral mutual governing equivalence values following a nutritional thrival trail back to our Original Big Bang ProGenitor, TransParent Pre-Temporal Timing of our Elder Right lens back through nutritional enculturing transparently binomial, time's core spinal prime-fold, erupting solid massively dense formation out informing polyculturing functions, flow streams, frequency intervals fractal seasonal revolving rhythms of radiantly Bi(0)-versive Exodus of Love's enlightening Time. When we choose healthy co-operative survival optimization by starving competition to accumulate wealth deposits, we will address stealth impoverishment, now feverishly hiding within un-consciousness of economically and politically and ecologically violating Golden Rules that advocate health and sustainable hope for all Earth's Grandchildren; the pan-ultimate measure of a culture's true wealth is its mutually balanced positive through double-negative nutritional feedback loops, seeking our Zero-Sum Co-Operatively Healthy Win-Win Eco-Normic Game Plan. Polynomial Power sustainably optimizes where monomial center trends toward Universal Co-Passion, healthy fulsome fusing flows and frequently reiterated functional patterns of HereNow TransParent Bicameral Consciousness, Ego as SoleSubject greets and mutually bows toward Eco-Logical WeSelf-as-SuperEco's Objective, Correlational, Co-incident, Bi-Nomially Permaculturally Balancing Time's 3-dimensional bodymind Space, Place, Pace of unfolding polyculturing Beloved Community Memory and ReDevelopment. PermaCulturists, like messianic shamans of all times and cultures, steward natural systems with a mutual-mentoring premise. Our Host Environment, EcoSystem, is both our Subject in the present moment and our Objective reconnecting toward a shared cooperative future, inclusive of all endogenous natural systems, species, air and water flows, sun and shadow glows. This SuperEco ProGenitor Hosts and Teaches through Elder Memory synchronicity. First, permaculturing prophets and alchemists listen requiring the purgation of Ego- and Anthro- Dominance; recovering EcoCentrism confluent with all SpaceTime balance and harmonies, flows with positive and negative functions, ionic frequencies, ironic humors cognitive dissonance too often hiding psychological dynamics striving for comprehensively balanced Eco-Consciousness, Eco-Zero-Centrism and Balance, as EcoLogical BioJustice Economics and CoOperative Governance. Bicamerally Left-Right confluent con-science brings sustainable healthy wealth of RNA-rooted memory systems. Bicameral Binomial-Consciousness emerges as human nature's cooperative stewardship our co-mentoring vocation, Commons-space syntax shared with equal rights by all Earth's Natural Systems. EgoCentrism is eisegetically held as good and normal and appropriate only as long as AnthroCentrism remains Left-brain Dominant, continues economically incarnating through Win-Lose competitive assumptions rather than choosing permacultural models for EctoSymbiotic Polycultural Revolution. A Bodhisattva-Ego lives in cooperative service with SuperEco, Universally Thermodynamic Balanced (0)-Centric, 4-Prime Dimensional, bio- and eco-logical, caretaker and metric "PlaceHolder" Polyculturist within Earth's RNA-syntax Tribes, encultured fractal (0)-sum economically cooperative souls, blossom Beloved Economic Community in full "Climax", incarnating integrative positive trending economic development, as transmillennial revolution away from pursuing wealth, toward co-operative health as our ecological paradigm for dialogical and economically sustainable re-exodus toward wealth optimization with equivalent creative freedom for all, in Beloved co-passionate peace.

Copyright © Gerald Dillenbeck | Year Posted 2015

Long poem by

Gerald Dillenbeck

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Revolutionary Story

They called their gang The ReVolutionaries, my Father Sun and Mother Earth drew time with them, but they often called themselves Yang and YinYin, respectively and mutually respectful yet privately erotic, not so much politically and economically where Yang could not fit in for rabid competition and YinYin could not alone float her dipolar WinWin health-care priority boat. Where was I in my Creation Geneology, YinYin? Once again you did not get past much of a preliminary introduction, without me, Sugar Daddy Yang. Oh yes, Father Sun and Mother Earth got together co-gravitationally, first creating a nondual revolution out of spacetime's co-arising and revolving implied-fractal-seasoned syntax, natural systemic order of healthy evolution, as not-not pathologically dual-dark devolution, probably too much Yin-recessive in this Yang-dominant Creation Story. Even so, Father Sun with Mother Earth revolved their bilateral health potential. Then, next time you know, here you are, bangin around with too-dominant Left-brained Yang, slippin' in some wise ol' tough love, stirrin' up your Owl with your Moose Medicine for stronger regenerative tissue issues, still struggling between SunPowerLens and EarthFlowLens, primally RNA-balanced informating regenerative health and therapy relationship re-issues articulating as bicamerally climatic neural-temporal boundary tissue, or is it the other way? So confusing all this time travel appositional and dialectical health language, like RNA, pointing toward your lovely and always mindful DiPolar EcoPresence as HereNow Time in self-refining, reiteratively flowing, spring of love's rich nutritional water and incarnate soil, soul mating Heaven's fire warm photosynthetic transformational co-redemptively climaxing air of sweeping surfing elating Time's Full ReGenerate Occupation, living still within our TransParent Elders, of which we each share equal DNA/RNA neural-temporal regenerative-fractal Implicate-Concave Orders of rhythm and pattern and syntax, folding and unfolding, holonic-Holy Exegetical Syntax Scripture teleologizing enriching enculturing composting time's revolutionary health through TransParent CoOperating Golden Rule of Prime (0)-soul/soil, ego/eco, Interior/Exterior, Fractal PolyCultural Relationship. That's nice, Daddy Yang, having said all that, I'm wondering if I might add that as I most kindly remember, there are two sides to every Creation Story, one is Ego's Yang Exterior Universal view, while EcoOther YinYin echoes our Interior Landscape nondual co-arising love for empathic capacity as rich nutritional experience, co-elational syntax-voices of primal feeling and knowing Yang/Yin is healthier as LoseSome BusinessAsUsual to WinSome YinYin Tipping Point CoOperative Wisdom. Yet even this wu wei PostMillennial TaoZen Bicameral Hybrid Story is not the Fat Lady Death's Door final message you are fearing within YinYin's WinWin EcoRevolutionary 0-soul Creation Story of a bicamerally self-optimizing health and safety global network with local cooperative poli-economic communication guilds, nutrient 0-interest investment through implementation polycultural local ecosystemic-balancing glory, cooperating our WinWin Mutual PolyEnculturation Story. YinYin, namaste for your generous and kind-natured right-time reminder, to win dialogical Solitaire, not only does Yang Ego think therefore I Win, but nondual co-arising of Right-time's sequence and dialect syntaxed cards of Other cooperatively win this balancing fractal 4 spacetimed principle of steering co-gravitational positivity, implied predelivery doctors and progenitors of ReGenetic-Health Optimization Time, most sacred Positive BiCameral Psychology of more humane natural ecosystems, RNA-iconic as ionic, CoMessianic Cross with Tao-Time Universal Black full-diastatic and dipolar synaptic absorbs WhiteNoise Aptic EcoPresent TransParentcy, and vice versa with reverse-temporal imaging ecoconscious capacity. We are both GooeyRight and PricklyLeft more truly balanced as positive/negative deviant equity seekers, healthy optimizers ecotherapeutic lovers of peace with ecojustice, evolving an Ego/Eco Deductive/Inductive ConScience of BiNomial (0)-Centric 4D spacetime as our CoOperative Creation Story. Group Theory's Zero-bilateral symmetrical implied dipolar function as bilinear double-bound soul could be RealTime expressed: fold, unfold, refold, pregenitive full-4 revolutionary closure Byte-Fold Balance, inside-double-negative with outside double-boundaried dynamically revolving, waving-linear Tao-sign, principle of thermodynamic balancing dipolarity. PolyNomial ++ evolves WinWin equivalent to LoseLose (--) NotNot PolyNomial 4D spacetime prime 0-centric Origin Point of Language and Scripture toward future's (0)Mega Point Bicameral Creation Story as EcoPresent Now, our timeless invitation into full healthy love, life as co-empathic bicameral love-positive, restrained only by its absence, cognitive-affective neural informating health/pathology-dissonance, heading toward climatic long-term TransMillennial effects of chronic stress, sleep deprivation, overly competitive ecosystems of all paradigmatic and polymorphic varieties, and crappy nightmare claustrophobic death and dying dreams. Yang space flows through YinYin Time's Light as Time's syntaxed memory folds and unfolds, refolds and prefolds revolutionary ecosystemic transitions, emerging Full-PolyCultural Diastatically Elational Climaxing Beloved PolyPathic BiCameral Communicating Interior Landscaped LoveNow-EcoTherapySpace. Was that my Fat Lady YinYin? Now you know I am just right for you; you're the one getting too hefty for your own internal and external balancing capacity. Maybe I need more exercise. Maybe you need to get off me, and help me paddle... Did I say "paddle"? Yes, love I know, you mean to flow your Revolution Creation Story right through PostMillennial cooperative enculturation

[everyday-inspiration]

How do I tell my mother that I am asexual? I have never mentioned anything about my sexuality before. I've been scared to. I don't know how she is with that sort of thing. I was scared that she'd want to dis-own me.. or kick me out. I've seen that happen a lot. I have lied to my family saying that I had multiple crushes- and they seemed to believe me.

Hi there! We got a couple questions like this, one anon and one not, and I’m not sure if it’s from the same person so I’m gonna post the anon one and if you/anyone has anything to add or ask or anything, totally feel free, anon or not!

Anyway, on to the question! First off, you have no obligation to come out to anyone, ever. Unfortunately we all live in a world where concerns like this are valid. Your safety and your comfort comes first, though. It is completely okay to only reveal what you’re comfortable with, even to people like parents or other relatives or close friends.

I’m actually asexual as well, and I’m out to my siblings and friends but not parents (or extended family but I’m not close to them anyway, so of course who you come out to and what people you’re closest to are up to you). I know my mom would be very…hostile is probably the best word to describe it, because she’s one of those people who would not want to wrap her head around it and would need it constantly explained. And there are unfortunately people like that, people who won’t do the work (albeit very simple work) to understand another person’s life experience. And if you think someone will react like that, where you revealing something to them will just lead to more discomfort and emotional labor on your end, it is totally fine to not reveal that thing, no matter who the person is.

Conversely, I’m not out to my dad but I have talked to him about asexuality. When getting a feel for what people think about something, using relevant topics that are removed from you is helpful. So, one time when I brought it up to my dad, I mentioned something I read online about asexuality and went from there. You could use a line like “so I read that the LGBT acronym is often expanded to LGBTQIA. The A stands for asexual, did you know about that?” That line itself could be a bit clunky, and of course you know better how to frame a conversation with your mother than I do, but a lead in that brings up the topic but also separates you from the focus of conversation is helpful. Things like “this character in a movie/tv show/book I just consumed is ace” or even something like “my friend came out to me as ace, do you know much about that?” Can really open a dialogue. If you do decide to come out, there are lots of ways to do that. Some people find it helpful to say what they feel before they use the term, so saying something like “I don’t want to have sex” (or whatever phrase best applies to you) might be something someone is more receptive to than “I’m asexual,” especially if they haven’t heard the term before. But again, you don’t have any obligation to explain anything to anyone, so if you want to just say “I’m asexual” and be done with it, that’s fine too. If you just want her to know and maybe don’t want a big conversation about it, you can just say “I’m asexual and it means blank. Okay so how was your day?” It can be as big a deal or as small a deal on your end of the conversation as you want it to be.

So to kind of wrap things up, you are never under any obligation to come out to anyone in anyway, no matter who they are and especially if doing so might endanger you. If you decide not to come out now, that doesn’t mean you can’t come out later. There are lots of ways to ease into a conversation to see how someone like your mom might react. It’s always tricky and it’s an ongoing struggle for any queer person to figure out how/when/to whom to come out, but it does get easier. And, people change. If you think your mom might not be able to hear and support you now, she might in the future. Again, your safety and comfort comes first, so do what’s best for you, you don’t owe it to anyone to come out.

Also, just throwing this out there, it might be worth looking into what being aromantic means. Sexual attraction and romantic attraction are often aligned, but not always, so if you’re saying you haven’t had crushes, that might be a spectrum worth exploring. Anyway, this is a very long answer so I’ll finally end it, I hope this helps! :)

[hellsbellschime]

1) Can I ask you about some friend advice? Just hit delete if you don't want to answer, no worries :) Am I justified in feeling upset? So this past year has been really hard for me for a bunch of diff reasons. And I got upset with my best friend bc I felt like she wasn't there for me, and wasn't as understanding as I've seen her been with others, especially when I've been a really good friend to her.

2)I've told her this, and we've tried to work on it but I think she's the one that needs to be putting in more effort. She feels that I don't open up so she doesn't know how she can help. I have told her some stuff so she definitely has an idea of how I feel. Also I don't open up bc she doesn't understand what I'm going through and I don't think she has tried to, all of which I've said to her. We've been friends for a decade, so I feel bad throwing it away, so I've been distancing myself.

3)So yea big probs with us, anyways so she just told me she started seeing a guy and idk I'm kinda annoyed. Instead of trying to really fix our relationship or try and get what I'm going through, she puts in her time and effort into a guy. He's also more than five years older than her. She's someone that constantly wants to talk about her relationship no matter, and I feel bad but I don't want to hear it. Sorry for the ramble lol thanks for looking at this :)

Oh yeah no worries! And remember that this is just my personal advice, if it’s not something that you want to do or you think will work for you then ignore it. But I would say that if you’re upset then obviously something needs to change, and you can only change what you control. I totally understand how it feels when you feel like someone isn’t trying to understand you or help you, but ultimately leaving things the way they are isn’t going to help any, so you can either try to share more and make her understand more, or if that feels like too much emotional labor for you (which I think is also fair) then you just need to redefine the relationship between the two of you. How you want to redefine it is up to you. But here’s the sucky part of what I have to say, which is only my experience but feels relevant to the advice that you’re asking for. I had a BFF in high school who sounds similar to this, we were friends for ages and super close (at least I thought), but she had a tendency to be self absorbed and was totally that person who only ever thought about her relationship when she was in a relationship. I worked on the relationship, but in retrospect I think we were just different people when it came to things like that, and we’re not friends anymore. However the major silver lining to that was the realization that a lot of my friends were genuine friends and the kind I wanted to have, and looking back I now wish that I had just stuck with them the entire time instead of wasting my time on someone who didn’t care about my friendship all that much. So work towards the relationship if you want it, but don’t let it consume you too much, because if you’re meant to be friends or someone really wants to be friends with you they’ll make the effort too.