#like i didnt do anything we been stuck at home because pandemic and we just having a nice dinner

[flamboyant-king]

I had an Isaac run where it was so stressful my heartrate was at a 145bpm and it persisted for 6 hours. After that, like every day that followed, my heart would just suddenly shoot up to 120-140bpm for an hour if I so much as thought about something I've been stressing over recently. Everybody encouraging me to go to the ER. And I'm just like "Oh please I've actually always been like this, I'm fine." Had to chop down my Adderall dosage. But I swear I've felt like this since high school, but I guess the medicine enhances the feeling and that feeling was ANXIETY.

So, suffice to say, playing The Binding of Isaac™️ almost gave me a heart attack.

[words-for-holland]

Quarantine Series: Burnt Out

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Summary: Y/N has to work from home during Quarantine, but when she gets extremely busy it’s up to Tom to find a way to help her relax .

A/N: This is my second attempt at this piece. Last time I created this it was super long but it got deleted 😩

Check the Rest: Burnt Out | A New Look | Secret Cuts & Kisses | Breaking Friendships |The Birthday Week | Movie Night | Silence is Golden?|

All Y/N ever wanted was an opportunity to work from home. Then again, who wouldn't want that opportunity? All she could think about was how nice it’d be to work in the comfort of her own home, not have to dress up in business professional clothing, and most importantly be surrounded by the people she cared for the most. But as the saying goes, “Be careful for what you wish for.”

When a global pandemic decided to take over 2020, Y/N certainly got her wish. Her company was forced to work from home until further notice, but what she didn’t expect was the amount of work she would be given. Y/N was pulled from project to project with deadlines thin as paper, and was expected to pick up the extra work of those that were no longer with the company. There was no time to catch a breath, and there certainly was no time to spend with her beloved boyfriend, Tom. This only made Y/N more depressed and made the Holland boys only more concerned.

“Mate, you got to get her to take a break. She’s gonna overdo it.” Harrison commented to his best friend, as they watched Y/N type away like a zombie from the kitchen.

“You think I don’t know that?!” Tom responded with a defeated sigh. “Every time I ask her, she always brushes it off and claims shes fine. Don't get me wrong, Im proud of her and admire her work ethic, but damn its sucking the life out of her.”

Both Harrison and Tom continued to observe Y/N with a cup of tea on hand, wondering how long it would take before she snapped. Tom hated seeing her like this. To him this wasn’t fair. It’s not fair that her 8 hour shift now became a 15 hr shift. Its not fair that she had to work 3 weekends straight, and it certainly wasn’t fair that her company took precious time away to be together. It was hard enough already that he couldn’t spend time with Y/N like a normal boyfriend would because of filming. Now, that he has the opportunity to make up for the lost time, it’s taken away.

“What if you surprised her?” Harrison quipped.

Tom looked up at his best friend with curious eyes. It took a few minutes to sink in, until the brightest idea figuratively smacked him in the face. “Yeah...yeah!” he responded, a smile forming “And I think I know exactly how to do it.”

As Tom was working through the thought process of his brilliant plan, his younger brother entered the kitchen, looking for his usual afternoon snack. “Hey, does anyone know where —. Oh no...” Harry groaned as he looked up at Tom and Harry. “Whatever it is that you two are planning...Leave me out of it.”

“Come on, mate. You dont even know what were planning.” Harrison defended

“Believe me, I know enough and any plan that involves you in it, is likely to fail 99.9% of the time.” Harry opened up his bag of crisps as he continued to list out the other 99 possible reason why they should have left Y/N alone like she wanted. “Cmon guys, you know how she gets. When she doesnt want to be bothered, she doesnt want to be bothered.”

“You’re right Harry, but she’s so stressed, she’s homesick, and one day she’s going to overdo it. Id be a shit boyfriend, if I let it happen.” Tom reasoned. “Look, Im not trying to do anything crazy here. I just want to give her that sense of comfort and see her relax.”

Harry looked at his brother and then at Harrison, both displaying their best puppy dog eyes, in hopes that he’ll join in. “The face doesnt work on me...but I’ll help for Y/N’s sake.”

Meanwhile, Y/N continued her work in the living room, her eyes firmly glued to the computer screen. After being dragged into the kitchen and the Holland plan, Tuwaine slowly made his way to Y/N. “Hey Y/N.” he happily greeted. “I think it’s time for you get some fresh air, don’t you think?”

Y/N looked up, her glasses slightly shifting forward down her nose. “You know theres this thing called being stuck in Quaratine right?” she responded, continuing to code her project.

“I think the real question is do you really want to work here when there’s just nothing but CONSTANT NOISE !” Tuwaine yelled out, hoping the others would catch on.

“What?!” Tom yelled back. It took him some time to realize what Tuwaine meant by his statement. “Oh...Right!” Quickly, Tom grabbed whatever pot or pan he could grab his hands on and dropped them on the counter. Harrison and Harry gave Tom the strangest look. “What? I gave him some noise?”, he shrugged.

“See?” Tuwaine smiled back at Y/N. “You wouldnt want to distract that working brain of yours with all this going on, right?” Y/N furrowed her eyebrows as Tuwaine as she looked at him and the closed off kitchen. Did they think she was born yesterday? Of course she knew they were up to something. None of the boys were subtle enough to keep everything hush hush.

Y/N shook her head and decided to just go with it. The faster she complied, the faster they’d leave her alone, which only meant more time to finish her work. Tuwaine helped carry her laptop, mouse, and charger to the porch as he led her outside. “See, arent you glad your outside, breathing in fresh air with no distractions?”, Tuwaine spoke out.

Y/N took her time to admire the view. “Wow”, she whispered under her breath. Y/N couldnt remember the last time she set foot outdoors. Seeing the sunlight hit the flower beds, the gentle breeze rustle through the grass; it was beautiful. Of course, the moment was short lived with a simple ding, which only multiplied by the second.

Y/N dripped her head back, trying to rub out the frustration from her face. “Yes, well it was fun while it lasted. Duty calls.”

“Im sure they wouldnt mind if you just took five minutes for yourself at least.” Tuwaine commented, feeling bad about the amount of work he saw popping up on your screen.

“Yeah well that’s Corporate for you. Doesnt matter if you’re 500 km away or if a virus is hurting the population. If you’re not working, you’re useless.” Y/N shrugs. It wasn’t like her company was completely evil, this was just how business worked.

“I know Y/N, and we all see that you care deeply about your work but we’re all so worried about you too. We want you to be mentally okay as well. I know Tom is worried about you the most...He misses you, you know.”

Y/N’s heart dropped the second she heard him say it. She knew that all of this was gonna take some time away from Tom, but she hadn’t realized how much he would be missing her, even though they’re living under the same roof. “Yeah I miss him too, more than anyone will know. Believe me.” Y/N pondered for a moment as she stared at the work in front of her. Perhaps five minutes couldn’t hurt. “Maybe I will take that break after all.”

“Really?”, Tuwaine was surprised she had agreed so quickly, and at the same time he panicked. Tom and the others were not ready for Y/N’s surprise yet. “On second thought, Im wrong. You should keep going and try to finish up that project of yours or else you’ll never be done.”

“Excuse me?” Y/N asked as she tried to close her laptop. “You just spent a whole half hour trying to convince me to stop working, and now you want me to go back and work?”

“Yeah..I mean what do I know, right?” He laughed nervously. Tuwaine looked back at the door, for some sort of signal. Come on man it’s not like your preparing a break for the Queen of England.

“Listen Tuwaine, if I go back there and you boys break anything in that house...I swear— I’ll”

“Y/N!” Tom interjected as he stepped out to the porch. He wrapped his arms behind her waist, giving her a gently kiss on the top of her head. “How’s work, my pretty girl?” He looked back at Tuwaine and mouthed a thank you to him as he left the love birds alone.

Y/N turned around to face Tom, taking in his features and running her hands at the nape of his neck. “Busy, but what else is new? I’ve been missing you a whole lot”

“Me too, darling. Anyway, Im really hoping you can take a break from all this because I’ve got something special for you.”

“Oh no, babe. You know you didnt have to anything for me. Really Im fine..I-“

“I wanted to. In fact the boys wanted in on it too. So this is really from all of us, if you think about it.” Tom grabbed Y/N’s hand as he led her back in to house. “Come.”

As they both enetered the house hand in hand, Tom led Y/N into the kitchen, where the rest of the boys waited with diner burgers in hand and warm homemade chocolate chip cookies on the side of table. What seemed like a simple meal was a cure for any bad day..at least for Y/N it was. It represented a sense of home for her, while being far from Jersey. Even though she hadnt realized it, Tom and the boys knew she needed it. “Wow” Y/N breathed “I...I dont know what to say.”

“Dont say, just eat” Harrison laughed. “In all honesty this was Tom’s idea. We just wanted to make sure you had the support you need.”

“Yeah you deserve this, so please enjoy it.” Harry added. With that, everyone dug in and bonded over a family dinner, sharing laughs and stories. Tom leaned toward Y/N whispering in her ear, “I have a few more surprises after this.”

The next few surprises did not disappointment. He set up a nice warm bath for the two of them to relax and enjoy each others compny. A few subtle kisses, laughter, and silence was shared between the two. Y/N leaned back into Tom’s chest, feeling the water gently flow back and forth. Breathing in and out, she had forgotten how good this felt. Being close to Tom, was a different experience, one that no one could ever do justice. This was what she really needed.

After the bath, Tom led her into their shared bedroom. For a moment, Y/N stopped him as she pulled his head down to hers, giving him the kiss he rightfully deserved. Her lips crashed with his, his hands gently holding the sides of her tiny face. He picked her up as she wrapped her legs around his waist and situated themselves on the bed. Reluctantly, they both pulled away, catching their breath. Their foreheads touching and noses gently rubbing the others. “I love you. I love you more than you could possibly know.” Y/N whispered to him

“And I love you. I just want to give you the world because you deserve it all. My hardworking pretty girl.” Of course all good things must come to an end.

After a great well spent break was shared between Y/N and Tom, she was back on the work grind. Only this time she was working in their room as Tom was reading a script for his next upcoming project. The more Y/N coded, the sleepier she was getting. It onyl took a few minutes before she started leaning into Tom and her eyes started to flutter. Her breaths became slower and she was out like a light.

Tom turned to look at Y/N, smiling to see the sight of her finally at peace. He removed her glasses and set them by her table side. Tom made sure to clock her out of work abd checked to see if her work was saved. Just as he was about to turn off her laptop, another message popped up. “Great”, he muttered, rolling his eyes at the fact her team is still working at this hour. He couldnt help but read it though. Just how badly did they need her anyway?

We all know how hard you’re working and going above and beyond to get these projects out the door. For that, we thank you! On behalf of the company we’d like you all to take a day off on us!

Tom smiled, relieved that shell finally get some time for herself. Feeling triumphant, he shut off her laptop and set it aside. Crawling back into the bed and covering themselves under the blanket. His arms wrapped her waist once again. “Goodnight, my love. Im so proud of you.” he whispered.

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from LP

Hi! I have ocd and I've been stuck at home w my family since pandemic started for more than a year now and I've only gone out twice for my flu shot and my 1st covid vacc. But recently i've become - not obsessed, but fixated - on what it would be like if i was trapped in solitary confinement for decades on end. Or any kind of hell like that, no escape, no social interaction, until even the strongest person would lose their mind. And I keep on thinking about how i would react and how I (1/?) –LP

i would attempt to stay sane. And I realize that my mental health has disintegrated so much during the pandemic - I've become deeply depressed, lost all my motivation to do stuff, cry through all my online classes, am so cynical about everything. And it terrifies me because I actually have a relatively cushy quarantine situation. My parents haven't lost their jobs, I get enough food and hugs and a new laptop and all the Netflix I could ever want. I keep ruminating on how weak I must be (2/?) -LP

to fall apart so much when my life actually isn't terrible. So I keep thinking about what I would do if I was in a situation where I didn't have access to any of the things that are sustaining me. I already feel distant from my friends because it's just not the same virtually. But I obsess over what my life would be like if I didnt have any social contact with anybody whatsoever. Like if I was locked up in a dark room and forgotten about, what would I do then? I would slowly go insane. (3/?) –LP

And I keep on triggering myself on purpose. I look up stories about political prisoners who were put in solitary confinement. I go on the TV Tropes page for 'Go mad from the isolation' and read all the examples of that trope even though it makes me terrified and sad. I don't wanna think about it. But the thought pops into my head often, and then I feel the urge to go and immerse myself in it even more. Because what if sth this terrible happens to me and I'm not prepared enough for it? (4/4) –LP

Hey lovely,

The pandemic has been really tough for a lot of people. I can imagine that it’s been really tough for you as well, especially if you’ve only gone out twice! I also understand that it makes you wonder how you’d cope with a similar situation if that lasted for decades. It starts out as something fun to consider, but the longer this pandemic goes on, the more realistic it becomes and the more you might fixate on it. 

It’s often really hard to realise that our mental health has declined. It’s not easy to admit, so well done for doing so! What I think is important to realise is that we all cope with things in a different way. Your quarantine situation might not be bad, but that doesn’t mean that it isn’t affecting you. It doesn’t mean that your mental health can’t decline. It can and it’s understandable that it has. 

I understand the need to feel prepared for something as terrible as solitary confinement. Feeling prepared is a way of having control. However, the chance that you’ll end up in solitary confinement is little to none, so the question is whether you truly need to be prepared. I know that’s easier said than done though! But try to remind yourself that this isn’t what’s happening. The more you repeat something for yourself, the more you’ll start to believe it. 

In DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy), there is a skill called opposite action. The name itself is quite self explanatory, but in short; when you feel the urge to do something, you instead to the complete opposite. We have a page explaining the DBT skills, and the example given there is that you go for a walk when you have the urge to binge eat. Maybe this is something you can use when you feel the urge to purposely trigger yourself? Instead of doing that, you can do some self care activities. 

I hope this has been helpful for you! Let us know if there’s anything else we can do to be of help. I’d also recommend you to reach out to a professional, because you don’t have to deal with this on your own! You can read more about getting help here. 

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard. Love Pauline

[noahhernandez]

2/9/2015 v. 8/11/2020

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. My favorite movie is Scream, and it started when I saw the midnight premier of Scream 4 with my dad back when I was in 8th grade, then Scream 1 came on AMC late on night and I just really like it

I still think Scream is one of my favorites, but Halloween has jumped up there just because I am obsessed with all things horror really lol. I started to love Halloween because of the new trilogy.

2:Talk about your first kiss. It’s really not that interesting but really like embarrassing. It was with my first boyfriend and I had just turned 15 and we were at the school just walking around and we went into the band hall and I was like ok im leaving and he was like wait and we kissed and i was like o

the same ! 

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. I never really have had intense feelings for anyone. I d k

One my exes- I mean we were dating for awhile so that’s pretty intense to me. 

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. I regret… Nothing really I mean, I have done really bad things in my life, but i don’t regret them

I regret failing like 2 semesters of college lmao and almost dropping out. If i didn’t then I would 1- would have been done earlier and 2- would have already completed a year of grad school but IDK also another is wasting lots of money in 2017-2018

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. The best birthday I’ve had was.. Idk This year was was nice I saw Iggy Azalea in concert, then I celebrated my friends’ birthday then mine and it was just everyone got to get together so ya this year my 18th

For my 21st birthday I went to Portland, Oregon and spent the weekend there and it was pretty and my first time there so it was nice despite what I think about PDX now. I don’t even know what I was doing for my 19 and 20th birthday lol. 

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. My 17th birthday because I was stuck 2 hours away from home with a bunch of nerds doing a band competition 

That is still probably my worst birthday. I forget to mention that I was gone literally from like 7am to midnight. They werent a bunch of loser nerds, they were my friends, but I still wish I was just at home lol. 

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. I am skinny, but not fit. If I eat anything I get this like stomach and it makes me so sad. and ever since I got a job I work odd hours and I eat a lot of fast food and I’ve gained 10 pounds in 2 years and I guess i’m insecure about my weight

I am still insecure about my weight, and I probably weight like 5 pounds more than I did when I made this post 5 1/2 years ago. 

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. We have band banquets for band, and I only went my sophomore and junior year, and seniors give out awards to underclassmen that are just jokes really, and both years 4 different seniors gave me an award for being the biggest gossip in the entire band and I was proud of that lol

Well since then I have graduated both high school and college. I am proud that I finished college !! A BS in Psych. Proud of myself that I got promoted (in 2017) at my job; i’m proud of myself that I have my own apartment, and blah blah basically just doing regular adult shit. 

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my nose because of how perfectly fixed it is. I also really like my freckles/moles/dark marks idk what they are exactly, but they’re on my face and they look great

I still feel the same way about this, maybe add my eyebrows- they’re not like clean and nice they’re just expression markers on my face that i love.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I got into a fight with my old friend Angelica and that was almost 4 months ago and we used to be best friends and now we never talk.

When Janett didn’t talk to me all summer of 2019 because I told our other friend Angel something

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. I cant remember one 12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. I can’t remember one

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The closest thing i’ve had to like sex was being locked in a back of an SUV with a stranger drunk as fuck and naked and its embarrassing

Just awkward and nothing to which I expected. 

14:Talk about a vacation. When I was 16, the high school band took a trip to Hawaii, and all my friends were in band so it was great. We did a lot of things, we toured Pearl Harbor and even played a few patriotic songs on the USS Miss. and our hotel was on Wakiki beach. I went snorkeling in some beautiful water and shit and idk just walked all around Hawaii having a great time omg we got on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe and sang with German people i miss it

Hm that was fun. But I.. went to NY with my ex and that was pretty cool because I literally love New York, and I went to NOLA two years ago (today actually) and got miserably drunk so that was fun too 

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. Probably just in the middle of junior year when everything and everyone was going with the flow

I feel like 2016 was a very content year because I remember nothing about it. 

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. Idk which one to talk about the one where I had a lot of fun and risked my life or the one where there was a lot of drama stirred up and drank myself to sadness. 

I haven’t really been to a party? I have gone out and had good times. Really anytime my friends and I go out I am having a good time 

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I am already friends with people I want to be friends with

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I kissed a boy on the back of the head and i told I just fell onto his head

Let me think of another one. Back in like fourth grade my friend was in a wheel chair and his backpack was falling from the back and I was trying to grab it and i was only 3 feet tall i couldnt see over or wasnt paying attention and i crashed him right into the bookshelves at the library. 

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. A girl was mad at me because idk why lol and she pushed me in the hall way and I fucking flew across that hall on the floor and hit the wall she’s pregnant now

When I was in 5th grade (which is considered middle school in my district) I was standing on the play ground and someone threw a stick at my head and it knocked me the fuck out and I was bleeding from my temple.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. In Jr. Year I was pulling into the parking lot but I was texting and I accidentally put half my car on grass area near the side walk luckily it was 7am and only one person saw me do it lol

One summer going into our senior year we had a party at Michelle’s house. First of all we were very drunk and Coby’s parents were like we are coming over and we cleaned TF UP so fast and sat on the couch and turned on I Know What You Did Last Summer and his parents were like interesting and and left and then we continued to drink anyways- we started playing truth or dare and my friend Angelica was like I dare u to kiss Anthony (someone I had liked prior) and he wouldnt and we started attacking him and calling him homophobic and hitting him with pillows lmao- him and I are still friend-ish

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I can’t think of something right now.

Literally anyone on grindr.

22:Talk about your worst fear. I’m afraid of having no career and being stuck doing something I hate and living paycheck to paycheck

Yeah, I’m scared of that still but I.. think just like being broke and jobless. RN with the pandemic we aren’t really working and still getting gov’t assistance, so.  IDK being a real real adult scares me a lot. 

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I can’t think of a time :)

One time in like 2016 maybe idk - this dude told me to come over and he lived far like not that far maybe 25 minutes lol far for me anyways I got to his apartment and there was a gate code and i asked him what it was and he didnt answer and it was like 2-3am and nobody was coming in or out and so i was like damn this sucks lmao

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Nothing really has meant a lot to me. Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again and its so surface level

I still can’t think of anything but I’m sure the friends I have met since this and my friends Faith, Michelle, Peter, and Alisa have said something supportive that meant a lot to me. 

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. Angelica Ramirez. She was my best friend for only 3 years, but together we went through A LOT of shit. We started out senior year just fine, but she lied about a few things and made a lot of us feel like crap in October. I won’t lie, I do miss her. We have too many memories to just forget, too many funny stories and great adventures. She helped me with too much, and sometimes I think about how I cut her out of my life and I mad a bad choice. But only time can heal things and I have moved on and truly found people that won’t make me mad every 30 seconds. 

Brianna Pajak, I don’t remember anything about her except she was poor and we stopped being friends because she always wanted to fight and be annoying. 

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Lay on bed on my computer and watch TV

I normally just suffer and cry about wishing I was healthy again.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. Their…!!>>>??? 

I must have nice hands and ur nose must be nice too! so nose and hands. lol

28:Talk about your fetishes. none

yeah I don’t have any lol not that I can think of. 

29:Talk about what turns you on. Idk i really like kissing and touching and this is awkward. 

30:Talk about what turns you off. bad breath by

that and ugly/rough hands, acne sorry i know it is natural but, shorter than me lol, white people, long hair on guys, and thats about it i think hm i am single yes 

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think its like idk its scary tho

um idk i dont like thinking about death because i literally want to cry when i think about it. 

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. I remember being in trees a lot

My step grandma’s a lot because my parents were working and she would watch us. She passed away about a month ago :( 

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. I usually only tell one person and that person is Alisa and I cry sometimes to her and expect her to make things better and she does thank u

I be doing the same thing, I text someone and that person could really be anyone but it happened the other day and I texted Bri and she was very helpful. 

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. I have no idea, I’ve never broken pulled strained twisted fractures or anything i have no life

I still haven’t done any of that stuff to my body. I also have burn scars but I did not feel those when it was happening. I would just say i guess my wisdom teeth coming in because I did not get them removed. I have 3 out lol.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. Pushing potential love interests away 

I have had some ‘love interests’ since this post, but it’s been about a year now since and I kind of push away the opportunity of getting close to someone. I also need to stop being a bitch sometimes. 

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. eating 

I would say idk eating was a stupid answer. 

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. never

I was in love and i didn’t ‘think’ I was in love. I don’t know what you mean by talk about them, they were my partner but we broke up hehe.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Fireflies by Owl City reminds me of my 7th grade crush Fancy by Iggy Azalea reminds me of my two friends Michelle and Alisa idk anything else

um Idk. i rly cant think  39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. I wish I would have known that

That it’s okay to tell people you’re struggling lol . That is okay to fail sometimes (school).  40:Talk about the end of something in your life. everything is just about to start

When I ended how to get away with murder I wish I never did I love that show with all my heart. 

[2021ssajka]

This month has been very challenging for me. (personal post below, you can read it)

From having plans to go back to the Philippines, to cancelling that plans all together. I initially wanted to go to the PH because I wanted this to be my gift for myself as I am graduating with 2 majors. I wanted to visit my family there and spend time with them, as well as my dad (sick). 

My dad and I dont have the best relationship, so it has been even more challenging for me. 

Ive been in America for 10 years now and this whole time Ive always wanted to go back and be with my family there since I love them very much and they are a big part of my life. Ive always imagined a nice vacation and going on trips with my cousins. Painting in my little terrace of my childhood home. basically reliving my old life when I was 12. I still kept that dream till now.

I am only now realizing that, that perception of the Philippines I had in my head is still the vision I had when I was 12. I am realizing now that its a fantasy and not the reality. 

------

This planning process for the Philippines was super last minute and impulsive, given the pandemic and me finding out my dads condition is not getting better. I booked a flight right away without any plans whatsoever. I was hoping it would be a spontaneous time where my family would bring me around to places and etc. I was even just fine with just staying home and just being in the company of my cousins that I missed so much. 

Everyday since I booked that flight, there were complications and drama rising. My dad has becoming paranoid and his narcissistic ways are coming back and has been triggering me. We have been fighting a lot since then which turned into getting more people involved with this fight. Resulted with me having a major panic attack and meltdown that I do not want to go at all. 

All the bad memories I had of him in my childhood came back. Everything was coming back to me- everything that I have burned at the back of my head and forgot about. I thought time has healed me but I was wrong. my past trauma came back and I felt like I was stuck into this trip without knowing what I signed up for.

I was not okay for many days. I felt like I was a helpless child he were able to control, manipulate and emotionally/mentally abuse again. I kept praying.

It was then that the Philippines announced that there were implying a travel ban on the day I booked a flight. I felt that this was God’s interfering in order to protect me from him

--------

This has been an eye opening experience for me. 

Growing up in a traumatic household and moving to another country made me deal with things differently. I realized that me being overly positive and optimistic and being grateful for everything is a trauma response. Its a survival response. 

At a young age, My body did not know how to process these traumatic events and emotions so I shutdown. Its like when you have an accident and your body go on emergency mode and you wont feel the pain. I think that is what my body went through. I remember a time when I was a kid and I was numb for a year. It was through art when I tried healing myself and holding on for hope. 

for a long time- till now, everytime those events in my childhood are being talked about, i literally have a panic attack and I shut down. I cannot listen to it or talk about it without crying. 

When I moved here. I started a new life. I had a clean slate and I tried to forget everything bad that has happened. Its like I cleared out all the bad memories and held onto the good things, thats why I had such a fixation in my childhood in the Philippines because after a while, I only believed that I had a good childhood there. (i didnt have a right grasp of my real past). This also explains the reason why I wanted to visit that place so bad- bc i can only remember the good things, and I had a breakdown when my bad past caught up to me because that no longer existed in my head. 

This explains my fixation in my memories of the Philippines in my art work and why I use happy colors. I only saw that place as the “good place” when in reality there are many bad things happening in that country (not only in my personal life). 

ive only realized these things now... 10 years later when everything came back to me as flashbacks when my trauma was triggered. and it explains everything in my life especially in my artworks. it explains why I do what I do and I have such empathy for myself because I realize that the artist in me is the kid in me 10 years ago. 

-----

I realized that when I moved here, I viewed the Philippines as my ESCAPE. my safe haven, the place I would want to go back to and retire to since this was my home at the age of 14. I had such yearning for that familiarity when I was living in a foreign place that I developed such fantasy in that place.

I started painting when I was dealing through traumatic events in the Philippines, just when I was about to move here. I used to paint encouraging words in my art, having it as my sense of hope in those challenging times. 

I guess that still lives on in my today. I still use my art as my sense of escape and I am only realizing that now. I have always mentioned that these landscapes are my “safe haven” and now I understand why. Ive always referred to my art as a “healing act” but i never really understood why. 

I realized that my view of the Philippines is different from reality. I made this to be a romanticized place where I had a nice childhood in but that was not the whole story. 

------

This is why it is so hard for me to reference anything negative in my work. Ive always used my art as a positive act, to bring hope and encouragement. I still stand with that. I still resonate with my work and it is still valid. but now I see my work as two sided. Its not only that narrative but also the past that I have forgotten about. 

I have always had trouble with my art classes because teachers would always push me to do negative emotions in my work- so not just positive but also the negative aspect of the full spectrum of emotions.

This has always been a difficult task for me because I dont want that. My body rejects it. I used art to heal and they would want me to express the nasty emotions here. now I understand why I react that way. 

My mother is also a trauma survivor of my dad. So her, my sister and I share these experiences together. This also comes from an immigrant narrative who had nothing on her back when she came to this country, literally building herself up from dirt. My mom is the one who would always teach me to be grateful, to appreciate what we have and to be positive- to the point that thats all I did. to the point that it buried all the negative emotions and memories that I was not able to heal completely and is now still in that place. 

--------

its a lot. its like I just found out a different past that I never knew of. but im so glad I figured this out now. Its like I finally have an explanation why I am who I am today. Everything is valid, there is a reason why dealt with that problem that way and I dont regret it. 

Im just so glad I finally have answers. It just explains so much and im mindblown lol

I am not comfortable having this as a narrative of my work even if it is probably the main influence of the work i do. Im also not comfortable of talking about this personal story with other people and in my work. 

I just refuse being an abuse survivor as my story... I am more than what I have been through... so im trying to figure that out.

I am now trying to know myself again, my full self. 

Im excited to see how this changes my work hehe

[mama-disco]

a letter to whom that may concern.

im writing this on tumblr because i know no one will see this but i just need a place to get this out

       you knew me as the crybaby in grade 5 because i was hitting puberty that year. i was emotionaly vulnerable and at a weak point in my live very early on and i didnt know how to hide my emotions like the rest of you. i became very self aware about my life, how i looked and dressed very early on and no one cared to understand so i went pretty much all that year without friends. i cried at the silliest things, i remember one time our teacher was handing out papers for work and i didnt get one and instead of just raising my hand to ask i just broke down and cried. i spent the rest of elementary school being made fun of and misjudged because of my emotions. a lot of stuff happened that year, i hit puberty, i had just changed schools and lost a lot of my old friends and found it extremely difficult to make new ones, and at the end of the year the teacher who understood my situation passed away. years went on and i found a group i clicked with but the mistreatment never went away from the others, i was called names and told i wouldnt amount to anything by others, and for a long time i thought it was because i was the only girl in the class with ADHD. as the time progressed my mental illness festered at the hands of others, in high school i had rumors spread about me by my old classmates to new ones and so i didnt make many friends while in high school either so i spent the rest of high school depressed and alone, i never went above and beyond in anything including the subjects i actually enjoyed so i was always an average 75 student in everything. i was forced to take essential level classes because my adhd made my teachers assume i was stupid and needed to be babied so whenever anyone did ask what classes i was taking i would feel embarrassed. i eventually had to stay and take a 5th year in high school because my depression got so bad that i just stopped showing up to my classes, i skipped out on most of my classes that year too but i graduated i felt so stupid and alone for a good 8 years in school and now im watching that group i clicked with grow up and go to school and do things they enjoy without me because of my life situation.

my mom is immune compromised from smoking for 40 years and so now instead of going to school, we are living below the poverty line, and can barely afford to live with only $1400 a month. i can’t work during this pandemic because if i get sick she will die and i will be homeless so i inevitably starve myself almost every day to make sure we save money and not waste any on groceries.

I wrote this because i want my past enemies to know of the hardships in my life that i faced then and still face to this day in hopes of you understanding why i hurt so much and you may either give sympathy or just feel bad for what you did in the past and how you judged me, personally i dont care anymore because no one will see this anyways and it’s all in the past now but i want you all to know how hard my life can be 90% of the time, so when you bullied what you thought was a weird, unintelligent girl who couldnt control her emotions was actually a 10 yr old who had to grow up to soon and be denied a future because of her current and most likely permanent life situation. 

often times i feel very alone because i think about how all my irl friends have familes, families that have both parents who arent split, a house, not a low income apartment and 3 meals a day with lots of food to spare. im jealous of all that and i know none of them will understand, i ask for no sympathy because it just makes me feel even more pathetic than how much i already am. living this live is extremely difficult and every time i hear one of my friends mention how much their life “sucks” i just want to go off on them because maybe theyre depressed about school and all that, and its still valid but it is nothing compared to the pain i feel every waking day and realizing i live like a pig. 

last year around christmas my mom was sent to the hospital for 2 weeks because she had a cO2 level of 104 and blood oxygen level of 75. when she came back thats when i really hit rock bottom. i’ve become even more depressed because i now have all the responsibilities of a 40yr old woman on my shoulders as well as being a life auxillary for my mother from now on. i can’t move out until my mother either dies or gets put into a home and whenever that happens i will have no money to get a place of my own because all th money i make now goes into taking care of her, groceries, bills, all that lovely stuff, so while i watch my friends go off to school and succeed in life i fall back into the pit that i’ve always been stuck in knowing i was born into this world just so i could wallow in a pit all my life. i’ve already done it for 20 years so why would it change? 

every day i hurt more and more, theres new weight put on my shoulders and i have no way of getting it off because i have no where to go. my friends arent really my friends anymore because i know they all drifed from me, and it hurts watching them stay friends but leave me behind and i often think i deserve it because i know im just better off alone, i dont want to involve anyone in my sob story because all they’ll say is “oh im so sorry to hear that” but go back to paying no mind, what is happening in my life is not of concern to anyone, not even my mother. 

sometimes i think i belong in a psych ward because i get these horrible thoughts in my head telling me to cut my losses and slit my throat. it’s gotten to the point where when i break down i separate from my body completely, i dont see or hear anything but when i come back i have burns on my hand from scratching myself trying to feel something. i know im sick in the head but you know what the sickest part of all is? not being able to get help because you have responsibilities and cant afford it.

i might have more to say another time but for now this is all.

[kushkryss]

daddyb

it started out as just a dinner. i was nervous- panicked on facetime with my best friend trying to pick the best dress to wear. he took me to the nicest restaurant in my town, and very quickly reminded me of the life i walked away from years ago. for the next few weeks things stayed pretty casual. dinners or lunch dates, never more than a day together. we weren’t even having sex. he taught me how to play guitar, showed me music he was creating, even let me record in his studio. he was encouraging me to better my life and i felt like i was learning and getting inspired with all the time i spent with him. 

i definitely started falling for him before i realized. my friends could see it. i dont know how i didn’t. about a week before halloween i went home for a few days. when i left his house he said he was going to miss me and i cringed. the next night i called because i missed him. thats when i realized. after that trip we started spending a lot of time together. all of our time really. we went to the coast to spend a night together and i spent another two nights at his house right after. we went out together for halloween, he didnt get mad when i hit the curb, we were just having a really good time together. we were both feeling the same thing but we never acknowledged it. 

the first week of november was blissful. we spent election night getting lost in each other and trying to block out the bullshit going on in the world. we spent the next few days falling, still not acknowledging it, but just letting it happen. we were talking on one of our daily drives and i ended the conversation before it really started. we booked a trip to hawaii. he sent me shopping with his daughter. he asked if i wanted to spend thanksgiving with him and his family. things gradually got more intense and when we did have that conversation we realized our relationship was more traditional than we had originally thought possible. it made me happy. happy that he was feeling the same way, happy that we were making our own fun during the pandemic, happy that it felt like we both had finally found what we needed and deserved, but most of all i was happy that i was finally in THE relationship i had been waiting for.

for the last two years i have known exactly what i needed in a relationship. i knew what would be good for me and what wouldn’t, what would work and what couldn’t. in the last two years i have knowingly gotten into relationships that went against what i knew was right for me and they never worked out for those very reasons. i had pretty much given up on finding someone that i would be compatible with in every way and he surprised me by being all of that. 

the first two days in hawaii were perfect. i was in awe of where we were, and the fact that my life had led me there with someone who was treting me so well. the second night there i was so purely happy. i couldn’t stop smiling, i was so blissfully overwhelmed by all the good things that were unfolding in my life. i felt euphoric. we were walking along the ocean in a cute touristy town when he told me he loved me, i told him i felt the same. at this point we had yet to have a real bad moment in our relationship. that changed the next day.

it started out fine but went further downhill than i would have ever anticipated. we spent the whole day in the car and most of it was good. it slowly got harder and the last three hours of the drive were completely silent- minus my crying. we were both exhausted and needed a break. i went shopping and he went to the bar. that night set the tone for the rest of the trip. 

i spent so much time and energy trying not to be angry and i was only making things worse. i wanted to get away from him but i felt like i couldn’t let him out of my sight. i wasn’t having a good time in paradise and that was making me feel crazy. i felt ungrateful for not enjoying the trip he took me on while i resented him for being the reason i was in a bad mood throughout it. i felt trapped. it was a recipe for disaster.

despite all the tension we felt on the trip we spent the next few days together, and they were good. really good. when i went home for thanksgiving i couldn’t stop missing him. i talked to my friends and family about how good things were and spent most of my time talking or texting with him. the day after thanksgiving i went right back to staying with him. that night we talked about some hard stuff. he brought up how hard it is that none of my friends or family are truly supportive of our relationship. before that converstion i hadn’t fully realized how difficult it was. the next day we went to santa cruz for the night and had another quiet drive. it was much shorter and i didn’t think anything was wrong. he felt differently.

it was easy for me to associate his relapse with being in hawaii. i understood the factors that led to it, i could see that he regretted it and his actions showed me that he didn’t want it to happen again. but when it happened again at home, it hurt. this time i took it personally. i was angry and i still am. for a while i had let it go. i wanted to move past it and i did- we did. he started going to meetings, we started spending less time time together and it felt like things were getting back to normal. 

he drank again a few days ago and blatantly lied to me multiple times when i asked. i went to his house the next morning to get my shit and leave him, i ended up staying there for three days. it was all good until this morning when i realized i had to leave. it’s easy to trust someone when you’re contantly together and don’t have to wonder what they’re doing. he said we could facetime tonight and i’ve been waiting for his call but nothing. not even a text. 

i’m not ready to let this go but i don’t want to get stuck in another cycle. do i continue to let him lie to me and just pretend that it doesn’t bother me? do i constantly bring it up and give him more of a reason to expect that i’ll stay reguardless of his actions? do i leave him and mourn the life we could create together? i don’t know what to do. i don’t know if there’s a way to keep this going without it becoming toxic, and i don’t want that for us. 

when we started this it was garunteed to be short term. when we defined our reltionship more seriously we left that topic alone. we only recently started talking about our possible future and it’s something that i really want. i just dont know how to get to that from where we are right now.

[stereotypicalantagonist]

tw: self harm, vague eating disorder, suicide, suicide, suicide, this stupid pandemic

i think we all know if i’m back ehre then shit’s hit the fan lmao

like jesus its basically a checklist at this point like oh just the usual nothing to see hree nothing important going on just lemme lie toe veryone i know and self destruct from the privacy of my bathroom floor l m a o

i s2g people only want me to be some fucking parent to fix everything for them and to listen to a bunch of bullshit baby complaints every fucking day and ims o fucking tired and overwhelmed and i wish i could just have one fucking day where i didnt have to be responsible for fucking everything

like i fucking resent my dogs at this point and i feel myself getting set off just because the cat is messin with something and its fucking stupid like ive been at a boiling poin for whell over a year but nah who fucking cares

wanna die? oh yeah wish ic ould self harm? big fucking mood want the entire world to just shut the fuck up? god please want to disappear to the woods? jesus yes let me become a hermit

i want to be swallowed by the world and i want everything to just fucking stop for five minutes so i could fucking breathe for fucking ocne but nononononononononono fucking n o

stupid ass reoccuring ganglion cyst on my elft hand? brutal body falling apart? check havent had migraine meds for two months? cant wait to stab out my own temple to relieve the pressure

but yknowe. i’m nothing more than a fucking therapist for everyone in my life and im just so fucking exhausted

cant do anything right cant even fuckin eat right without being asked about it cant manage to wash a fukin spoon right cant take care of my dogs right cant even fucking take care of mysle like why the fuck am i even trying

the one person i had who never wanted anything from me other than my company go t taken away from me because of this fucking pandemic that i cant escape no matter what i do and shes in a nursing home and like literally this is so fucking stupid iw ould go through a full hazmat decon wahtever just to sit with her for ten fucking minutes and have her ask about my blue hair

everything is garbage and i wish i could shut off my brain i wish i could fucking cope i wish i wasnt fucking alive but HERE WE FUCKING ARE. everyhting hurtsa and the weather is ass and it makes everything worse

i cant even bother to typet his right like whats the fucking point

god i wish i could just escape i wish i was fucking jared, aged 19 or fucking dead like i couldve been three years ago but nah im stuck in this useless meat suit with a brain that cant functionr ight

literally its sad boi psychosis hours and i want to die

lmao i could just relapse and no one would give a shit because itws not beneficial to them like everyone would be so much better off if i just went throughw tih it and got out of their hair like im fucking annoying and have nothing to contribute except being expected to listen to everyone else twenty fuour fuckin seven and yknow what? i don’t fucking want to

fuck it lets ruin everything lets make everyone pissed off that i cant be used anymore lets just fucking go

just fucking go away forever

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

ah yeah i suppose ur right. yeah i think quarentine has had that sort of effect on a lot of people :( sorry to hear abt ur strict parents, hopefully ur friend will be able to come back soon. small outings (even with family) are still good tho, make sure ur taking care of urself toff.

youre totally right! ah yes thats good advice (/gen) ill try and use that when im in a slump ty. any music suggestions?

lol sames. even some of the stuff abt seungmin, innie etc is a little uncomfortable, like theyre grown ass men for sure, but at the same time, theyre still young, still just over being a teenager in the grand scheme of things. (on that note, i do struggle with worrying that im infantalising them, obviously theyre adults but at the same time, theyre still young. i do treat all fictional characters as my children, but i guess its different when its real people. idk. what do you think?) yeah some stans rlly need to take a chill pill, some are rlly walking the wire between 'ah theyre attractive/that look rlly suits them' and making fucking smut fics abt minors, like... they do not see a problem with that?? yeah tbh i feel like unless theyre 18 they shouldnt be put into the spotlight, weve seen what it does to peoples mental health, but modern day kpop industry is a lot like old hollywood with a lot of popular child actors -_- hopefully the big companies will learn but i agree, its unlikely

suuuuure toff haha. ill go searching for them, but idk if ill be able to find the fluff needle in the angst haystack (jkjk) yeah, fair i groan and complain but you do write angst etc rlly well, so if its what ur comfortable with, then pls continue, it is one of your strong suits, well as you write fluff aside

ah okay good! ill continue to send you essays then

THE ALBUM YES. so ive been looking forward to it for literally months, this is actually my first skz album release as a stay (since the last on was 9 months ago) i was sitting there hitting refresh on my spotify the second 6pm kst came around. (speaking of which, how did you do the release? i couldnt decide whether to watch or listen first but i ended up on listening cos there would be more material) okay: so cheese was super cool, very skz ya know? tho i almost wish theyd made domino the title track, tho obv it was a more experimental track and would have been a bit controversial (much like whistle for bp) i looooved domino and thunderous was absolutely impeccable. all the songs were amazing but standouts were- secrets, secrets which lowkey made me tear up idk why, red lights which almost killed me (it did not have to go that hard, but it did) and OT8 WOLFGANG omgggg i wasnt sure if hyunjin was going to be included in it but i was hoping and, ya know people had said hed be in there, but the further i got in, the less i was sure and then BAM hyunjin started what had been jisung's part and i just sat there grinning for about 5 minutes. surfin was absolutely adorable and gone away almost made me cry AGAIN. star lost was so touching, almost a nod to hyunjins little star? silent cry was relatable beyond anything. SSICK was funny? for some reason I was laughing while it was playing, idk the combination of added cheering and minhos aggressiveness and the totall seriousness they sung it. but i rlly enjoyed it. sorry i love you showcased their vocals like nothing else. the view is THE BOP of 2021, absolutely going to be stuck in my head for the next decade, that hook is genius. what did you think?

also did you watch their grow up performance? with all the stays and ALL THE TEARS? ;n; i feel like this is the end of an era of skz and tbh im kinda happy but also sad. super excited for their promotions but super bummed they wont get to tour. ah well

<3 w.a. 🐺

answer under the cut bc i gave an equally long answer to this already long ask HAJSH

oh yeah, abt quarantine having an effect. my friend and i talked about this earlier actually. i didn't realize the world was moving so fast until the pandemic happened. being in quarantine gave me time to think and i got to know myself more. it's just the sole good thing i got out of the isolation lmao. and abt my strict parents, ironically i got to go out today so i got to hang out with a few of my bestfriends. i had fun but my legs are a bit sore from walking. but they're a different set of friends. i'll get to hang out with the others when my getaway driver comes home in december.

hmm music recommendations for writing? depends on the plot you're writing. care to share what story you're working on and i'll try to rake my brain for a song that might match the vibe. i listen to classical / lo-fi if i don't have song inspo for a fic because lyrics sometimes distract me.

i don't think that's infantilizing tho. for me, it has something to do with my environment and the way i was raised. maybe it's the same the other way around? like this certain age (for the ones above 18 but below 20) is thirst-able for them. idk really. it's just not for me ?n? what i do NOT condone is writing smut for minors??? like get checked : D // i agree with everything with the idols being 18+ before they debut simply because it's for the best for their well-being like. how can young idols decide that this shit is the thing they want to do for life? or at least until their contracts last. idk :// it's unfortunate that it's unlikely to happen.

WELL. i have a list so you won't have to go search for them! in class (minho), in the rain (seungmin), gladius maximus (chan) and you've read five star already. and i just realized that most, if not all, of my upcoming fics are fluffs and i'm fond of all of them :D i used to focus a lot on angst because fluff disgusted the living shit out of me. i think things changed when i wrote champagne problems and hurt myself so bad i wanted to drop angst entirely. i didn't, of course, but i allowed myself to be self-indulgent now.

for the release of the album, i was on twt and watched the vid at 12 views (if i remember correctly, i watched back door at 14 so HASJH) i’m gonna talk by track so it wont be too confusing? bc i wrote this in paragraph format and it just ???? beware im very picky with tracks even if they’re my ults. so no offense if we have opposing opinions and i’m not fond of reading lyrics so these are all music wise.

cheese - oh god i hated cheese at first listen but it grew on me easily. i was singing the yeahyeahyeahyeah bit all day today :D

thunderous - i cant say that it’s my favorite title track. it felt really dry sometimes, both mv and music wise. but at the same time, it’s not that bad. the choreography carried the song tho o.O it’s so fucking cool. but like go live, another track has my heart and it’s

domino - AND YES I AGREE THAT THEY SHOULDVE MADE DOMINO TITLE TRACK UGHHHHH WHAT A WASTED FUCKING OPPORTUNITY. WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW FOND I AM OF THIS SONG. it stands close to the level i love easy.

ssick - was a skip on first listen too because i found the chorus underwhelming but it grew on me? not that much but i can bear listening to it.

the view - it’s something the gen public like, hence its something i dislike. im not fond of songs that are structured like this? it’s not a bad song, just not the type of song i like. but i agree that the hook is very not catchy but it would get stuck in ur head.

sorry, i love you - it’s not as sad as i expected but i actually like it??? i can’t wait to write a fic out of it (1) HAJSHAJ it’s like a 3/5 for me. it’s angsty but chill?

silent cry - i’m pissed at this song bc it hits but sometimes it doesn’t?@?#!? but it’s starting to grow on me but definitely not my fave track.

secret secret - glad i found a secret secret enthusiast because my irls thought it was a skip?$?#@$? it gives me ikon vibes and i’m a huge fan of ikon’s discog so this was a win for me T_T +

STAR LOST - gives me bigbang song vibes and now im very sad :(( in case u didnt know, i’m a hUGE yg fan and 2ne1/bigbang introduced me to kpop so when i heard this track that gave me yg feels i just <3___<3 and it’s one of my favorite tracks anw moving on,

red lights - I WANT TO SKIP THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OF RED LIGHTS EVERY TIME IT PLAYS LIKE IT MAKES ME FEEL AWKWARD KDSJFSK but fine. i’m adding this to props and mayhem’s playlist LMAO it’s more aggressive than sexc tho. more enemies to lovers o. O

surfin’ - this coming right after red lights just wasn’t the best decision arrangement wise because how did we go from ooh sexc to aigh pARTAY. felix saying sheesh T___T it’s such a fun song i want to go to the beach ;n; do you like beaches?

gone away - i have yet to read the lyrics because i’m using this as inspo for a jeongin fic jskjash it’s not the type of ballad i like but it’s so fucking sad to listen to :’ ) the pitch change caught me off guard? still does. it’ll grow on me prolly.

wolfgang - I YELLED WHEN I HEARD HYUNJIN IN WOLFGANG. i didn’t like this song until recently. it gives me the confidence boost i need to pick myself off self-esteem crashes.

and no i haven't watched that performance and i prolly wont because i’ll cry. i’m excited for the promotions too. do you think they’ll still have a repackage?? i cant fucking believe that i just finished waiting for 12am kst for skz teasers and now i have to look forward to 12am for nct 127??@?#? NOT A SINGLE DAY OF REST FOR THIS STAYZEN

[hellomygf]

when my own words aren’t enough

okay so you know that one direction song that’s made of other song titles, “Better Than Words”. same concept here except not really and you just listen to the lyrics of the songs LMAO. anyways sometimes the words of others can convey better what im trying to say to you so enjoy 19 songs that do so. i highlighted some of the lyrics that really made me think of you/us. click on links on then click on togepi

Love Like This - Ben Rector

“Never used to get excited to sit here in the silence Holdin' on to somethin' the way I'm holdin' you Didn't used to know how fast time walks and runs and flies by I never thought I'd feel so deeply, but damn, I do

i never knew i could feel so happy just doing the mundane things with you. walking and talking, going out for drives, sitting and eating food. time goes by so fast when im with you. i always wish time would slow down and let it stop for awhile just so i can have a couple moments of just us yeno? you make me want to spend more time with you even when we just finished spending a whole evening together. there’s so many new feelings that ive experienced since ive been with you and i cant wait to keep feeling new ones 

All I’ve Ever Known - Eva Noblezada and Reeve Carney (Hadestown)

All I've ever known is how to hold my own But now I wanna hold you, too

for the past couple years i learned how to love myself again and how to be okay with being alone. alone doesnt mean im lonely but it did mean that i had built up my walls again and letting someone in new again was so scary. you made it seem okay though. you made sure that when i was opening up to you and being vulnerable that it was okay to do so. that i wouldnt be hurt and that i was safe. i learned how to love romantically again and learned what it feels like when you arms wrap around me and hold me. it’s currently my favourite feeling and i dont think i ever want it to end

roses & sunflowers - Timmy Albert

You're a flower that's blooming every season with spring I fell in love with your roots, the whole you, everything

i mentioned before that falling in love with you was like how the seasons changed. like you know it comes but it’s always different. this isnt my first time in love but it’s most definitely something very different. a good different. im in love with every part of you. from the way you make your puns to the way you buy me things that show you care (my favourite foods, my ddr adapter, and most recently itch cream) to the way you sing in the car to me to how you tell me about your good and bad days. i love it all!

Favourite Girl - Jesse Barrera and Tori Kelly

My baby, She still drives me crazy After all this time, You better believe that Nothings greater, She still makes me better After all this time You're still my Favorite Girl

BONUS:  I remember when, You didn't know how to kiss  (hehehhe) Now you know me well, And nothing compares to this 

best girl. favourite girl! is maxbean hehe jkjk.. maybe. we both do some whack ass stuff but there’s no one else i would rather be having fun with than you! you make me better in every way. you encourage me to keep going even when days are rough. you support me on my good and bad days so im here to remind you too that im here for you always okie?

No Matter Where You Are - Us the Duo

I will stand by you Even when we fall I will be the rock, that holds you up and lifts you high so you stand tall

whatever the world throws at us, whether that be a pandemic or people who dont support us, im going to uplift you and us in every way that i can. i want to be a pillar of strength for you and show that even though am baby and that i am smol that i am a girlfriend that you can count on to show up by your side. i got your back from now till however long

Tattooed Heart - Ariana Grande

You don't need to worry about making me crazy 'Cause I'm way past that So just call me, if you want me 'Cause you got me, and I'll show you, how much I wanna be On your tattooed heart

honestly this is just one of my favourite love songs ever so i just wanted to add it into the playlist lmao

Lemonade - Jeremy Passion 

She's so beautiful, sometimes I stop to close my eyes She's exactly what I need She's my smile when I'm feeling blue She's my good night sleep when my day is through yeah

i say this all the time but i love looking at you oh my god skjskjs like YOU. ARE. LITERALLY. MY. TYPE. lmaooOOSKSKJkj. other than physically being my type you really do embody everything that i need in a partner. kind, compassionate, genuine, good communicator and listener. you make sure that i dont fall asleep sad and you make sure that im okay on my not so good days. i love you so much

I Was Made For Loving You - Tori Kelly ft. Ed Sheeran 

A stranger's hand clutched in mine I'll take this chance, so call me blind I've been waiting all my life

i took a chance on someone i really didnt know anything about but my god i think it’s the best thing that ive done 

Ger Here - Sam Smith 

I don't care how you get here, just get here if you can

this reminds me of the time you bused through a snow storm just to study with me at utsc. also just in general whenever you make the effort to come all the way here to my house just to spend time with me and even then you end up driving us downtown or to different places too. you are truly the definition of “if there’s a will, there’s a way”

goodnight n go - Ariana Grande 

Oh, why'd you have to be so cute? It's impossible to ignore you Why must you make me laugh so much? It's bad enough we get along so well Just say goodnight and go

“why do you make it so hard to say good bye” something we both always say haha. one of these days we’ll have a night together and we’ll fall asleep together and wake up together too. one day! very excited for that day where we can say good night and stay

While We’re Young - Jhene Aiko

I'm tellin' everybody you're mine and I like it And I really hope you don't mind, I can't fight it

[...]

I'm giving you my heart, please don't break it Take it and lock it up and put me in your pocket, love

i tell everyone youre my girlfriend because haha im so happy to be dating you and telling everyone you make me so happy so yeno just a subtle flex. it’s also so scary fully giving myself to someone physically, mentally, and emotionally. to trust that you will safeguard my feelings and that you wont hurt me but i know youre scared of the same thing too, i guess even more so since im your first girlfriend. i promise i’ll protect your heart too. water it, nourish it, and let it grow into something even greater

Blessed - Daniel Caesar 

And yes, I'm a mess but I'm blessed to be stuck with you

ive told you since the beginning that i didnt want to bring you into this until i could fix and improve my mental health. i think that way of thinking was me associating my ability to love with how healthy i am. that’s not fair because i am capable of loving others even when im not at my 100% best. im so very grateful that you are there with me when im dealing with my mean/negative thoughts and that you can help ground me and be there to let me ride out my sad days. 

Runnin’ Home to You (cover) - Jake Spencer 

Can't say how the days will unfold Can't change what the future may hold But, I want you in it Every hour, every minute

i can see you in my future for a long time my love. i hope you can see the same as well 

Please Keep Loving Me - James TW 

For all the mistakes I'm making, I don't mean (I don't mean them, I don't mean them) For all the little things That I fail to see

please be patient because sometimes i wont be able to get things right the first time around. i tend to be a little slow when doing things and i come quite late to events. so even on days when i may be difficult to be around, please do your best to keep loving me and i’ll do my best to make it easier again.

Nothing - Bruno Major

There's not many people I'd honestly say I don't mind losing to But there's nothing Like doing nothing With you

no need for an explanation.. -_- 3rd date. d&b. mario kart. fan... hhh but i mean guess this also applies just in general whenever we play games and i lose lmao. honestly though doing nothing with you is still so fun for me. from making puns in a grocery store, to watching movies on my couch, to watching the sunset together by the water. nothing is better than doing nothing with you :)

Teenage Dream (cover) - Boyce Avenue 

Before you met me I was alright, but things Were kinda heavy You brought me to life Now every February You'll be my Valentine, Valentine

i think this applies to both of us in a sense that we were (and still are) both dealing with some not fun stuff when we first met each other, but we have each other now to get through it together. at the time, it had already been a few months since my falling out with you-know-who and just a couple months since i had decided to get help for my mental health stuff. i remember feeling so touched when i first told you about everything because you had made the conscious effort to reassure me and soothe me by holding my hand and looking at me when i got anxious talking about it. that was the moment i knew that you would be someone special in my life and someone i wanted to keep for a long time as well.  so im hoping that next year (and for the next foreseeable years) you can be my valentine haha

Only Us - Lauren Dreyfuss and Ben Platt (Dear Evan Hansen)

I never thought there'd be someone like you who would want me So I give you ten thousand reasons to not let me go But if you really see me If you like me for me and nothing else Well, that's all that I've wanted for longer that you could possibly know

while i have grown up with some great and amazing people who have made me feel so loved. ive also grown up and have come across some not nice people as well. they made me feel like i wasn’t worth it or made me feel small and not wanted. it’s not a nice feeling being shut down when youre just trying your best to get to know others or when you talk about the things you like and people become uninterested. i guess you can say that’s what contributed to why i dont want to show my whole self yet to new people at first. im scared that i will scare them away and they wont like me. so when you, a total stranger at the time, wanted to get to know me more, genuinely enjoyed my company, and wanted to spend more time with me, i was like “wow someone new actually LIKES me for ME?”. you dont understand how much it means to me that you made the effort to get to really know me and to still make the effort now to make me feel comfortable so i can be my whole self around you. i cant thank you enough. you make me WANT to talk about what i like and share my joy with you. thank you for letting me be me.

Take on the World - You Me at Six

I can see, see the pain in your eyes Oh, believe, believe me and I have tried No I won't, I won't pretend to know what you've been through You should've known, I wish it was me, not you 

i know there’s things you dont want to talk about and things you really cant talk about. knowing all the pain and hurt youve gone through has made you tough and strong but it sucks thinking of everything that youve had to face on your own. i wish i could take that pain away from you if i could. take it, ball it up, and throw it so far away that it never hurts you again. it is so very unfortunate that the saying goes “why do bad things happen to good people”. you dont deserve any of that. a good person like you deserves a life filled with unwavering support from those around you and days filled with boundless joy. i cant change the past or what other people think of you but what i can do is to do my best to make sure that even when you are hurt that you still feel loved and you still want to fight another day. you can do it, and i’ll be with you now for every new challenge that you face. your’re not alone

She Keeps Me Warm - Miranda Lambert 

She says I smell like safety and home I named both of her eyes forever and please don't go

[...]

And I can't change, even if I tried Even if I wanted to My love, my love, my love, my love

those first two lines are just so very nice to listen to. 

you and i both know that we cant change who we are and who we love. i think we’ve both had countless nights and thoughts of wanting to be straight so we wouldn’t have to deal with the consequences of loving the same gender. i know this past month has been especially hard for you though. im here to remind you that there’s nothing you need to change about you my love. i love you just how you are. your family may not understand it yet but i hope they will. i hope they understand that you make others around you feel so welcomed and loved. that you are the most selfless person that a lot of us have met. that you stick up for those who are mistreated and that you care for them. i wish they could see just how deeply you love and i feel like ive only scratched the surface of what your love is and can be. i want them to see how much i love you too and how you have made me a better person in all aspects. my parents, my cousins, and friends have all said that they have seen me change and become a softer person. my cousins say that you compliment me in the best ways and sand down my rough edges. i hope one day soon that they see all the love that emanates from you and that they can support you at least even a little bit. i hope they can see that love is love is love and that they learn to love all aspects of you too.

[thisisallaboutusbabe]

Growthapart

Introduction

Most of the authors are correct with what they are trying to point out in thier masterpiece. Do you still remember The Road Not Taken by Frost from your 7th grade? I hope you do, because i took that road, been taking that beautiful road.

I am writing this not because im stucked in Enhanced Community Quarantine due to Corona virus pandemic, but because someday i want to read what i amariting and will be writing from today and the days forward. Idont know where is this going and how im gonna put into words everything what's on my mind. Though education graduate, i am not good at narrating and remembering things just so you know everything im gonna right here from letters a-z means speacial to me, and to my boyfriend. Yes you read it right. I hope youre not a sexist and will continue reading after digesting what you have just read.

The beginning.

It was June 2019 when I was hired. Been so excited since this is my first job. Though there are no clsses yet, The institution wants us to be present all the days of June just to make acquaitance and sort of trainings as well. In the first few weeks, it was only me,Teacher E,Teacher I, Teacher J and Teacher J. But as the days goes by, the faculty members gets bigger. There was only 4 male teachers in the group and one was added on the third or fourth week of June. Im not sure. I've told you that in my opening statements. (I thought you just need some validation.lol) and after letting him sit near in the group, i knew what is his name, J. J,as a psychology graduate, has been very keen and i knew that day he doesnt like me. i tried to be one of his friends but the universe was making me not to like him anymore....as a friend.( just making evrything clear.) There was this moment that i asked him about something i totally have forgotten. Good thing is he answered my open-ended question which was answerable by yes or no but he disnt take a pause but he keeps on walking. Atleast he answered. That day i realized that i shouldn't let myself be treatd that way by someone i just met. That incident broke my heart a little. The feeling of being ignored cannot be easily taken away. But hey, its just a one person, I still have the other teachers i mentioned a while ago. You shouldn't let someone treat you like your nobody. If you tried and you think its not really gonna work, leave them. Don't be afraid to lose people in your life.

Teacher's day 2019

It was an adventure with me,J Teacher E, which companied by her boyfriend, P and his bestfriend,ATe five of us. Do not wonder why I didnt mention Irish. That bitch ditch us. She was drunk and spend money for alcohols. Well shes not the only one who was drunk thatroning, Also Jbut he made it anyway. And that is what makes no-to-indianan E real mad, as she is really hot headed.

We made it to Enchanted Kingdom!!! We really enjoyed each other. We ate in a cheap restaurant, we laughed, we told stories, we had the chance to know each other. Remember A? Esbestfriend. Oh good. The bery first day i met him, i know I had a crush on him. not because of his body figure but because of his height,look and porma.

After K and i broke up for less than 3 weeks, i started talking to someone and his name is A. Well, he is nice. We added oirselves on facebook so ofcourse we talked about anything. After weeks or a month of talking , i followed him on instagram but never followede me back. I waited for a notification, but there was none. I knew from that moment its going no where, so we stopped.

After days or a month, (I AM NOT SURE AGAIN THOUGH I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE DETAILS I JUST COULDNT REMEMBER WHEN EXACTLY) Jervin and I became friends. We told about anything about ourselves gradually and clearly finding out what we truly are. There were so many times we stayed and slept at home but i will never forget the moemnt i was laying on his lap and holding his hand and biting it sometimes. I also couldnt forget how shiny and smooth his hair was as i run my fingers through his hair. It was memomorable. It was the beginning of everything.

First bottle

It was November 3, 2019 when i finally visit bim on his house and guess what, he was alone that time. Despite of the paper works waiting for us, which was the reason why i went there, we managed to buy oe bottle of red horse. After just one bottle, We both dizzy, and so we decided to sleep....together since i couldnt sleep alone in a house i just visited. Guess what drunk people do in a house without anyone who can see if things get hotter? To cut the story short, we kissed and sucked each other's nipple. Though we don't want what just happened, we still slept together. The day after that, we were not talking. It feels like it was the day one with someone you know could be the one. The emotions getting enormous and so my heart couldnt bear it. And the rain falls from the tio of my eyes. So i talked to him, we are both not in a calm emotional state. And so we cried.

Jervin, nust like me is a player too,but he is an expert. In the beginning of out friendship, he told stories about asking for load from someone hea flirting. And that day that i was crying at home texting him, my heart breaks a little and the rain became a storm. Wanna know why?because he was telling that this was gonna be his last message and he ran out of load. The level of sadness i felt that day wasnt measurable. And i feel like the feeling of betrayal brought by my kalandia in the past cane back. But after praying, I got welll. You know when you know your worth, Its awesome. You are awesome. But pfcourse at some point , things happen because soehow you let it happen.

The confusion

You know you can be together but there was soemthing that holding you back. Weve been getting to know each other since that day. We checked each other. We glanced at each other even during classes. We walked each other's home. We visited eache other's home. We did the late night talks while walking or by sitting in a dark area in Lakfront so people couldnt notice us that easily. We talked about everything and its just feel right. Christmas is cumming and we were both lloking for answers. When people say wait for perfect place and perfect timing, believe them.

The day!

It was in December 22,2019 when we finally said pur relationship is official. We were both happy. Everything is just fine. A usual landian moments of a new couple is what we did. Since its only 3 days before Christmas, i have to go back to Batangas. And so saud goodbye to each other for the meantime with a promise of coming back on 2020.

But as a malanding boyfriend who wants to see his boyfriend, I bought a Yem cake for him which was my utang from my cousin. The plan of surprisinf him at night of December 28,2020 was successful. i saw his eyes swollen as soon as he see me. He let me stay in his house for the meantime and after 30minutes or an hour weeent to oir house and made love.

Reasons why him

1. A pysch graduate- He knows wht i feel. He knows like everything im feeling. He is always there for me.

2. Giod looking- he is one of campus hearttrob. May students admire him. I admire him too. I love him more when gis smiling wearing a stripe shirt.

3. Genius- He is a person who can teach you things he knows. Like hacks on how to manually dry a cloth using a bath towel is what i couldnt forget. (You try it,you figure it out yourself how to dru clothes with a towell)

4. Attitude- When he says he dont like soemthing or someone, dont force him to like it. I have that attitude too. But the fact that loves me now is pricelss.

5. Clingy- never did i taighy that i would love someone who is clingy because never did i thought that i would be that clingy to him. He likes hugs,kisses on his body and canton. You read it wrong, read it again.

Idont where to put this but im gonna write it here. He told me he never like surprises, but as i surprise him with beverages like Delight,his favorite, it made hime smile. The favt that he loves when im surprisinf him what makes me stay and appreciated.

Memorable moments

There are thousands of memorable moments we enjoyed. And here are the following:

1. I run my fingers through his hair.

2. Thousands of times we hangout.

3. Walking and enjoying each other company at night.

4. Street food scenarios.

5. We foughtover buying a lots of Julie's bread.

6. We knocked doors even during classes to deliver foods.

7. He gave me a perfume. I make the box of it a pen holder.

8. Date at Mcdonalds.

9. I fetched him hahen he hangout with Ram and other girl.Iwaited an hour outside Mcdonalds

10. The clinic kisses.

11. The new building kisses.

12. The cumming with no hands.lol

13. The cumming from sofa to refrigirator.

14. We bought his Iphone and stripe shirts at Divisoria

15. The holding hands🥰

As of today, June 20,2020, were still together. There were moements of breaking up with him,but we are both fighting against the world. I always bear in my mind whathe is and what he truly deserves. And that is what holding me to oir relationship. Wee havent seen each other for almost four months but its okay. We dont wanna add up to health risk. Though there were times we experienced LDR problems, we are trying to reach and hear eachothers side before madness. Though i admit i easily get irritated because he is usually mad these days, i undrstand because we are in a LDR . Im not gonna be bias so im gonna tell this. One of the things that makes him mad is that i sleep early without notice and and i couldnt update him that much since theres a lot to do when your stuck in your hoise with your family.(please consider im the youngest in the family.)

Lat night, i slept early. Today, 3:43am , im still awake drinking coffeee. And he didnt notify me if he was eeping ir what. His last message was he was goint to take a bath but it was four hours ago. Maybe my bebe boy is taking a revenge. Goodnight!

- [ ]

June 20,2020

Hes becoming dry. Im hvjng thoughts he is no longer interested. Lets see if my emotion will change as it changes minute after minute.

June 22 2020

Nothing new. We barely celebrated monthsary as we go out when we hve time. And besides he dont wanna celebrate it. Its hard. Im wondering if hereally dint like to commomerate.

June 24,2020

We had chat. But he didnt chat me at night from 830 until now 1:25 am. I have sent kind words and i dont know whats gotten into him. I just hope and pray hes alriggt. Its OK for me for i know he has his own story he dont wanna tell and its cool. Di you want to know what on my mind right now? Let me tell you. So last month i guess He unfriended a lot of friends on facebook but eventually changed his accoint. So the converaations we had storires on hiw we started are on the first facebook accnt he used to have. And hes acting weird from what i notice and im thinking if im really the only one. I know and his friend how inlove he was with Paul,his past kalandian and a new character. Never did i tell that i can see his likes in Pauls accnt with his new account. Actually, he have two and since i got his password ofcourse he would like Paul's post with the pther facebook account. I also stalked Paul on Instagram and saw his likes again. Now that he used his NEW account i have no longer access to the first old one. I tried to log it in pero fcbk said wrong password. My ate and nanay have been friennds with J on Facebook and so i could use their accnt to heck if the old accnt has been deactivated. So before thinking wrecklessly im gonna find proof. And if he likes somebody else, who am i to stop his heart from loving someone who is surely better than me?

My hunches are wrong. I opened his facebook accnt and he hs been struggling the way people would see us together specially his realtives. Idontknow what todo. Universe truly gives shit and its hard.

[thisdreamplace]

hi! i was in a super bad place during the pandemic being a fresh grad and feeling like i was so smart and capable with a degree from a good school and great work experience, i thought i was for sure going to get an amazing glamorous job, but instead got rejected to everything. i made sure to keep a strict mental diet, lived in the end, didnt ever believe anything besides my story which is that im the best and will get whatever i want. but nothing ever worked. i ended up getting a job finally, but it pays low and not even in the same state im in, and is not very great to be honest. though im grateful to have an opportunity i felt pretty discouraged i had to take it because it was my only choice. friends would tell me its okay, first job out of college is just like that, ill get a better job after 1-2 years experience, and so on. but i want opportunities to fall into my lap now. i want a better job with better pay, in a more fabulous company now. i just dont know what else to try for manifesting since nothing worked before and i know i shouldnt say that but looking back i dont see anywhere i was wrong. nowadays im so busy and tired at this job i feel like i dont have time to keep that strict mental diet but i try to focus on the end, having wealth and a great career, and that its here, i love my job i get paid so much, etc. and now half a year has gone by.. getting tired and discouraged now more than ever

Hey!

So I hate to say it, but the hard pill to swallow here is you didn't change your self concept despite all these techniques you did. And I think that if you are able to give yourself some tough love and be 100% honest with yourself, you would be able to admit this to yourself.

I get that the victim mindset is comfortable, but it's the same mindset that manifested the life you had prior to the law and it's the mindset that keeps you "stuck" after knowing the law.

If the job you have didn't match your state... you wouldn't have it. The law, when explained very simply is as follows: as within, so without. The 3D doesn't have mind of it's own. The only thing the 3D can do is mirror you. That's literally all the external reality is. One, big, giant mirror of your consciousness. So to say none of this makes sense and that you're dealing with circumstances that don't match your state indicates a big disconnect from your inner world. The 3D is literally your inner world out-pictured. That's all. So with that in mind, take a step back and really be truthful with yourself.

Everything you want lives within you. And until you give it to yourself, things most likely will continue to be frustrating and more difficult than they need to be. You can be on a mental diet all day, forcing in positive affirmations. But your self concept will tend to override this. Your foundation is what is manifesting automatically. Forcing something is usually an indicator you need to chill out a bit. Manifesting was meant to be a much more simple than our ego makes it out to be.

If you really keep your eyes on the prize, then the prize is yours. What I am getting from your ask is that you have a misunderstanding of the way manifesting works, because your understanding is more based in the 3D than the importance of your inner world. The thing about it is that, when it comes to manifesting, your inner world is actually the only thing that matters. You're never trying to change the 3D or force it to do anything. You simply cannot. All you can do is turn within. That is where all your power lies. And as you build yourself up within and give yourself the experience you truly deserve, you will see this manifested in your 3D. Because the external reality must mirror your inner reality. That's how this whole thing works.

"Life isn't happening to you, its happening through you." - Dylan James

When you take more responsibility for yourself in this way, then you will have found the key. The gag is, the key was you the entire time! You have got to turn to your inner world and make peace with it. Live in it, it's your home. It's where everything is already perfect. And if you dwell there, if you truly allow yourself to walk in faith and confidence, then you will begin to see those changes in the 3D you have been longing for. But if you keep on feeling like you have to force something and try to make the 3D change, then it's going to continue to feel difficult. The quicker you surrender to what I am saying, the quicker you will allow your world to flip and change for the better.

It can be so overwhelming. Take some time for yourself and regroup if you need to. I mean, we should all be doing this anyway. Whether things are tough or not, we should always prioritize ourselves regularly. Manifesting isn't always a walk in the park. Like I've mentioned before, even Neville said the mental labor of putting the law into practice is more difficult than doing work in a hot field all day. But difficult doesn't mean impossible. You are limitless, who you truly are already owns the world. It's up to you to decide if you're going to allow yourself to tap into that energy or not. This world is yours for the taking, but you have to step up and take it.

I hope this helps you feel that you can begin moving in a more solid direction! 💖

[alexismartinez18]

Vent Sesh, since no one ever reads these.

So my dog is currently basically being fostered by a person who I considered a friend for a long time, through all the bs she has put me through and all the mean things she has said and done, I remained a faithful friend, though I should have caught on to the red flags way sooner. I wont get into detail of the things she has done because there are just way too many. Anyways,she has had my dog for about a year now, I moved across country and he was supposed to come with me, but things with the airlines didnt work out and so I couldnt bring him, and in an emergency, I asked her to hold him until I got settled here and then id come get him. Well as I said its been a little over a year, because I was trying to settle in, get a stable job and what not, I was supposed to use some tax return money and school refunds to get him, but the taxes ended up being taken from me and my school refund ended up all going towards rent because I still wasn’t working. I finally got a job, however with my job being based on reputation and what not,  I wasn’t booking many jobs at first, I wasnt even making enough to be able to afford rent at the time, and I was stressing out becuase I didnt want to get kicked out of my home, and if i did, i would have nowhere to go, and Im also states away from home on the other side of the country, I was struggling hard. I ended up getting a second job, but even that job I was just making enough to pay my bills and eat. I eventually quit that job and worked my other job more and ended up getting a job with a great family whom became like my family, however, I was still making just enough to cover rent. I should Also mention that during this transition between jobs, I ended up moving to another apartment, which is where my next school money refund went to, because I had become severely depressed and anxious at my other home, and was ready to end it all. I knew I needed to get away for the sake of my mental health, because I was seriously leaning towards suicide, but I wanted to live for my family and for my dog. I moved, got my stable job, but it was still just enough to cover my rent and utilities. Next school money came and it all went to helping me cover rent because things at work were starting to slow down. Then January rolled around and I got the sickest I have ever been, I was out of work for about 3 1/2 of the 5 weeks and was pretty much screwed with bills and such, I was late on rent, because I live paycheck to paycheck, and so when my school money came in, of course that was where it went to, however, becuase I was still working, even though I was living paycheck to paycheck, I still did manage to get a plane ticket to go get my baby. I made it for the beginning of April as the virus was just becoming a thing, and we weren’t quarantined just yet, things were still pretty normal, but flights had started to get cheaper. I had no idea, as most of us didn’t, that we were going to be stuck inside all the time quarantined before this happened, however, after learning of how serious this virus actually is and being home, I decided it was best to hold off for a couple months to let things die down, as for 1, I had 0 protection at the time, no face masks or anything, and 2. I didnt want to risk getting sick, especially after the hell I had gone through in January after being sick for 3 1/2 weeks and then I live with other people, I didnt want to get them sick either or get anyone else I came in contact with sick, this virus is not something to take lightly. I had been wanting to change the flight for a while, but was anxious as to what the girl would say, and so because I was having so much anxiety towards the whole thing, i ended up changing it the day before I was to leave (anxiety sucks) and I finally fought through my anxiety and told her. Well this did not go well, she ended up getting mad that I changed my flight to a later month (June) because I didnt ask her if that was okay, even though she knows theres a horrible virus going around and that we should all be staying in so that we dont catch it or get others sick. I have not heard my so called friend ever since, Ive reached out, and Im being ignored, Im basically blocked on her social media, if i try and ask how my dog is doing she doesnt answer, all because I wanted to wait out this pandemic so that I and others dont get sick and possibly lose our lives. Now im here, dont know what to do, having constant horrible anxiety because I dont know how my dog is doing, and he is literally my entire life.