#like i will tell/correct people in Certain Spaces where i choose to do that but

[dashiellqvverty]

i fucking hate the fake progressive transphobia of saying (for example) "ummm well men can wear dresses nowadays, why should i ASSUME someone i perceive as a man in a dress is a trans woman" like okay why are you prioritizing the feelings of a hypothetical cis man over an actual trans woman expressing frustration with being misgendered. and also lets be real its probably going to be a lot less hurtful to this hypothetical man and easier for him to correct you if you gender him as female than if it were the other way around. anyway THIS IS NOT ME SAYING PRESENTATION = GENDER this is me saying i personally feel that its generally a good idea to err on the side of "hey if this person seems to be presenting as something different than what i perceive as their sex, i am going assume they want to be read as that gender." basically if you act like its offensive to ever assume that someone might be trans, you are at best prioritizing cis feelings, and at worst being extremely facetious and saying you HAVE to misgender people for progressive gender nonconformity reasons when actually you just dont see them as the gender they say they are

[daisys-reality]

After two years I still don't understand what shifting is or what it requires, like is it about how strongly you believe in it, does it require a certain meditative state, is it about how effectively you manipulate your senses, is it fully up to you or does the universe/spirits whatever have a say.

I honestly think my main struggle with shifting is my lack of understanding of what it is, it feels both way too subjective but also a really objective experience with specific rules

I'm not quite sure what exactly you want me to do, whether it's giving you space to rant, giving you advice or answers. But to be honest the first thing i had in mind as a reply was: shifting can be whatever you want it to be.

I can totally understand your way of thinking though. It seems you feel very lost/confused about this at this time which makes it probably very difficult for you to connect with 'reality shifting' itself. You've heard this probably already many times but one's shifting journey is a very personal journey.

You know reality shifting as we call it now is something that has been practiced a long time ago in many different fields. And people from these different fields have learned and approached 'reality shifting' with different mindsets, attitudes and different kinds of understanding. And they still did it! There is no one specific way that works - no, it depends on each person individually. It is very similar to one's spiritual journey. Both are journeys where you have to work with yourself on a very deep level and everyone has very different experiences.

No one but you has a say in this. You ask what shifting is and what it requires, as annoying as this sounds but you have to decide what reality shifting is TO YOU and how it should work FOR YOU. You write your own story. In one of my recent readings I had the expression come up: Choose happiness for yourself and accept it. And this is so important in my opinion. Choose what you want and accept it. Commit to it from your heart and see where you go from there. But always listen to your heart and to your feelings. Accommodate things to you, you don't need to break yourself "trying to make it work". If you ever notice yourself overworking or overstretching yourself for something, remind yourself that is not how it should be, you're not being true to yourself. Your view seems clouded and you're just punishing yourself in those times. Never forget to treat yourself with respect and to focus on your well-being while being on this journey. A healthy body carries a healthy mind, right?

Another aspect I recently talked about in one of my readings was about the doubts we have on our shifting journey. Doubts will probably always prevail because it is something you don't completely understand, and you probably will never fully do! But that's ok. (You don't really need to know how it works anyways.) Doubts are natural and they will never stop you from fully shifting. It will happen even while you have doubts. It's more so about commitment and willpower. Perhaps, a well balanced mix of spiritual and practical efforts that helps you improve and move forward on your journey. You know your beliefs can move mountains. So instead of searching for the correct information and answers, choose how you want to view shifting yourself, make it fit into your world view. Make it your own little fun thing. Belief it, connect to it and practice feeling it. I know you can do it, don't give up but also don't stress yourself out, okay?

For example, you could for the next few days do some little sessions during the day (like 5-10 min sessions). Make yourself comfortable, put on your favourite music or subliminal whatever and try to think about your beliefs or about how you are able to shift easily, imagine it. You can even tell yourself affirmation. In a way, yes, you try to convince yourself like you said. But you do this in the beginning to develop a certain belief. Once that is established you don't need to convince yourself every time, you will just be able to do it then. It becomes easier.

But for now, I think it is important for you personally to decide on what you want to believe in first. (And then work on strengthening that belief.)

I don't know how helpful my answer is but I believe in you and I know you can do it.❤️

[transmascpetewentz]

I'm a gay trans man who passes to the point where when i tell people i'm trans, including other trans people, there is a 50/50 chance they will awkwardly ask if i want them to use she/her pronouns yet and am i choosing a girl name, or assume i am amab nonbinary. I have had people tell me to my face, while i am almost naked, that they can always clock trans men - while not clocking me. I have had people not believe me and then see me naked and freak out, claiming they thought i was joking because they "can always tell". I didn't really set out to achieve this (dumb luck?) and it is sometimes funny, but it is also tiring and can get real weird in trans spaces - like i went too far and they can't see the traces of Used To Be A Girl that they expect (i'm also not doing the Correct Expression Of Faggotry, but that is a separate issue). People seem to have certain expectations around what trans men should be like, and how "visible queerness" should be expressed, and are amazing at not seeing things that don't fit their script. I am quite happy with myself, partway through bottom surgery, and always trying to turn these strange moments into ways to connect/talk with people - which usually goes okay. I am not having a terrible time, just a strange and sometimes alienating one, and I hope everyone who claims transition "doesn't work well" continues to find me extremely inconvenient.

90% of the time when a non transmasc talks about positivity for gay trans men, they seem to be talking about people who they can still mental-gymnastics themselves into seeing as straight women. Nearly all non transmascs would burst into flames (/hj) upon seeing one of us in real life. I'm also stealing the phrase "correct expression of faggotry" for myself.

[neptunes-sol-angel]

Messages From your Dreams ☁️🌌

This is a pick a card reading meant to give you insight about what your dreams are trying to tell you.

Paid Readings | Patreon | Tip Jar

Pile One

Possible things that you're seeing in your dreams: your mother or a maternal figure, disney characters, anger, rocks, forrests and other outdoor scenery, synchronicities involving the number five, trapped, grief, loss, being watched or you witnessing something, technology, leaves, falling, stork, music, weird symbols, premonitions, an account balance, an eclipse.

Your dreams are manifestations of guilt that you feel over something or someone that was lost. There's a need to stop trapping yourself with resentment over situations that were out of your control. "I could've done something"—"I could've done this"—"I could've done that". There's a specific case that I'm picking up where childhood wounds are resurfacing, maybe you had a parent that showed disdain for you instead of love and support, maybe you're thinking of all of the ways that you could've defended yourself from them, but your subconscious is urging you to release the anger that you feel. It's ok to be angry with what happened to you, but your anger is being misdirected. You're mirroring the same harshness that was inflicted onto you by becoming your own oppressor. It's time to take initiative for a new beginning for your healing by taking note of what was missing that you really needed growing up, and taking that Intel to reparent and nurture yourself. Use this self awareness and knowledge for breaking free from your pain, instead of using it for revenge. Justice will correct this situation faster when you release.

Pile Two

Possible things that you're seeing in your dreams: Luna moths, bodies of water, water running down the sink, random rays of light, deities (strongly picking up Aphrodite), cigarettes, fairies, slow motion, an ambush, space closing in on you, grandfather clock, delicate hands, someone gesturing you to come forward, someone offering you something, really long vines, or giant plants.

Your dreams are trying to convey to you that you need to pause before going forward with something. Maybe you're in a tight situation or running out of time with something so you're clinging to the first approaching opportunity that seems like a solution for you. Your dreams are trying to reassure to relax, that you're safe, and you have time. You could be overworking yourself or spending too much time looking at a screen and it's messing with your anxiety. Rest both your mind and your eyes by taking a much needed break, you've done enough, now let your higher power do their part by showing you that what's for you is not going to leave you hanging. They're also urging you to have more trust in your spiritual team. Free fall in your life with faith that your guides will catch you.

Pile Three

Possible things that you're seeing in your dreams: mermaids, sugar gliders, content creating (streaming), other fuzzy animals, yin/yang sign, black and white, skunk, Jupiter, Saturn, auras, village, fish, medieval environment (maybe a past life memory), new york, secret agent, armadillo, feathers.

Your dreams are trying to confirm your suspicions about someone or at least warning you about someone who is who they appear to be. You could be gaslighting yourself in fear of people gaslighting you if you spoke up to them about this person and what's been happening. But I'm feeling some frustration here that could be from your guides. They want you to stop going to other people for their discernment when yours is basically screaming at you but you're choosing not to listen because you don't want to be looked at as someone that's crazy or projecting. Trust your first impressions of people, because I'm feeling that you had it right the first time about a certain individual who's problematic and untrustworthy. There's deception around you, but it's coming mainly from yourself by choosing to avoid your intuition. You don't need confirmations or validations from a crowd. Allow this lesson to reveal to you on how much you haven't been putting yourself first, choose yourself without worrying about who stays or leaves.

Pile Four

Possible things that you're seeing in your dreams: rain, nebulae, masks, joker/trickster/fox/white rabbit/something that you're following around, orange juice, citrus fruits, bubbles, peaches, grapes, crystals, fossils, Mario coins, bees.

Your dreams are telling you that your efforts are not in vain and that it will pay off in the near future. Your hard work is going to bring in something abundant whether that be a breakthrough in your financial situation or recognition for something that you've been passionately investing in. You could be experiencing fatigue or burn-out but your dreams are symbolically representing something that will motivate you and reward you for your patience. It'll be a significant change that will make you have more gratitude in your life because what was troubling you before will not be troubling you now. Your dreams are also trying to evoke more confidence in your abilities to make stuff happen in your life which could look like, cultivating your ideas into something real, or getting back up on your feet again after something that knocked you down for the longest.

[neon-moon-beam]

Addressing Ableism In The Submas Fandom And Its Impact Again

The fact that I know multiple neurodivergent people who have bad feelings arise from seeing any content, including official, of Warden Ingo due to an influx people turning the Submas fandom into an ableist playground in the wake of PLA speaks volumes.

Before I continue, I want to stress: I am not calling anyone in particular out.

Unknowingly making ableist content does not make you a bad person. Everyone still has things to learn, everyone has room for change and growth. Self-education and critical thinking are very important here (and everywhere). A desire to correct a mistake, change, and grow from it is better all around than digging your heels in and refusing to budge or listen.

I am not responsible for bad faith interpretations or other potential misinterpretations of me addressing these issues that have personally affected friends, acquaintances, and myself, should people choose to make these interpretations.

I am also not responsible for the reading comprehension or critical thinking skills of others. If you don’t read the entire post and choose to be reactionary towards it, including making assumptions about what was said or putting words in my mouth, I am not at fault.

Bl*nkshippers are not welcome on my content.

I can't begin to forgive the contingency of the fandom that made neurodivergent people feel unwelcome and alienated in their own space, and made them wonder if other Submas fans, or even people in general, even see them as human.

Given that it’s widely accepted that Ingo and Emmet are autistic-coded characters, the fandom could have been a safer and enjoyable space for neurodivergent (but especially autistic) people. It could have even been a refuge for people upset by the uncertainty we were left with due to PLA being incomplete. Instead, a large contingency of fans took one look at Submas and went "how sad/unhinged/angsty can I make the train blorbos?" and decided disability, trauma, and mental illness were acceptable to use as props.

To the people who have been doing things along these lines (but with especially Emmet!);  this tells neurodivergent people that you think they're unhinged, will hurt others if given an opening to do so, and portraying Ingo and/or Emmet as never having been human, turned into something nonhuman (as in Submas is singled out as nonhuman, and NOT in something like a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon AU or other AU where everyone is not human), or otherwise being not in control of their own actions is telling neurodivergent people that you don't even see them as human. And yes, you can be sending this message even if you yourself are neurodivergent!

Because of all this, I now know multiple people who do not want to see any content involving Warden Ingo, or PLA at all due to the negative association from the fandom, and even some who have stopped engaging with Submas in varying degrees.

I've made it very clear in other posts that I don't like how fandom is on tumblr for many reasons and that I do not consider myself part of the Submas fandom. But the Submas fandom has further turned me off to fandom as a whole, and I currently do not wish to engage with PLA content outside of making reassurance posts compiling evidence Ingo will or has gone home.

My roommate barely posts Submas art anymore because the pervasive ableism got to be too much. This is saying something considering she’s the author of the Submas primer many people, probably including many of those making ableist content, reblogged. She’s also the author of a post detailing Submas as autistic-coded characters. She’s been alienated from a community that she had provided a ton of research for! Please think about that for a second.

Other people don’t want to see Submas interacting with certain characters ever again (namely Volo), because of the ableist content created around their interactions, or even ships.

And if you’ve been around since at least PLA, you may have noticed that there are a few people who frequently posted about Submas as well as the ableism, who haven’t engaged with Submas content in a long time.

Fandom shouldn’t become an alienating or even hostile space for people who just want wholesome or comforting content, or simply want to see characters they like or even find representation in NOT being treated as ableist puppets or being so ooc with angst and ableism they’ve essentially become the artist or writer’s OCs. But unfortunately that's the track the Submas fandom seems to frequently head down in the wake of PLA.

If you’d like more info about the ableism that has been going on in Submas fan content, there is a list of posts here, but this is by no means exhaustive.

This is a post I previously referenced in one of my posts about the ableism about the issue of making Emmet violent and traumatized for entertainment purposes and why it’s problematic to use trauma as a prop.

And here is a post I made (with my roommate’s addition) addressing the issue of people thinking ableist portrayals aren’t harmful or don’t have an impact on real people.

And if you’re going to continue to make ableist content of Submas (or any other fandom) without any regard as to how your work impacts others, then there isn’t much anyone can do. But don’t be surprised if people choose not to engage with you or your content.

Thank you for your consideration.

[khaire-traveler]

hey, I’m Hellenistic-polytheistic-curious (not sure if people say that) and I saw a post where you were talking about how the gods aren’t dangerous and you don’t need to be like afraid of praying to them, and I was wondering how you, like, interoperate myths where gods do punish people for stuff like not worshipping them (anymore/enough/etc)?

I’m guessing it’s similar to the Christian Bible (which, not to trying to be disrespectful somehow that’s just something with which I just have experience 🥲) where, since it’s apocryphal, you just kinda accept some things and reject others due to that nature, but I wanted to ask.

Also, does one have to be certain to worship? Sometimes I worry I’ll get into it and fall out and then feel guilty or be afraid. Or that they’ll sense that I’m unsure and then feel as though I’ve been dishonest, or feel betrayed, or just think I’m not worth it because I’m not devout,!something like that.

thank you if you read/reply to this!!!!💖and sorry for the anon ask lol I’m just kinda too nervous to do it publicly

Hey, Nonny! Thank you for the ask, it's absolutely no trouble for me to answer!

Honestly speaking, Hellenic Polytheism differs from person to person. Unlike Christianity, there is no correct way to worship - no "set of rules", if you will. A lot of how worship is today can be seen in ancient times as well; people worshipped pretty much entirely different from each other simply based on which city or region they lived in. Each city and region even had myths that were unique to them! Most myths we have today actually stem from Athens (this is why Ares is often depicted very negatively in most of these myths; he was NOT favored in Athens and was considered anti-Athenian).

When it comes to mythic literalism (accepting myths as 100% real and factual), it's mostly unsustainable in worship to believe each and every myth out there, in my opinion. The reason for this is because myths, as a whole, were not generally seen that way, even in ancient times. They were stories that taught lessons, described why certain unexplainable things happened, and/or told of what a certain god might be like and why (as well as where they came from). It's definitely up to the worshipper how to interpret mythos. You can pick and choose what to believe, you can believe everything, or you can just straight up believe none of it - it's really truly up to you. I would suggest, however, looking into historical context of these myths first. Many myths written about the gods and their wrath were based on why people should respect the gods (or authority figures in general) and what happens when you don't do that. Their purpose served mostly to prevent people from going around yelling "fuck you" to the gods when they didn't get what they wanted - be respectful, and the gods shall respect you in return. Of course, that is just one of many interpretations, and you are more than welcome to believe what you will.

In reality, the gods are very kind. So long as you aren't be openly antagonistic (going out of your way to be disrespectful, cruel, rude, etc.), they aren't going to be upset with you for not knowing certain things, not worshipping 24/7, etc. They are actually very forgiving, despite the reputation some people (ahem, TikTok, ahem) give them.

To use my own experience as an example, I am rarely consistent with my worship. This winter was especially tough for me faith-wise, and for the most part, I basically didn't give any/many offerings at all. When you're having a crisis of faith, I always recommend communicating that with the gods; I think it just helps to be open and honest with them. It's like how you'd tell a friend if you needed space; it's just good to communicate with each other. They completely understood my situation and let me take the time I needed to regain my faith. When I needed to reach out to them, they were happy to communicate with me again, but when I needed some space, they were willing to provide that for me.

The gods do not abandon or scorn you for doubting their existence; they understand that faith is challenging to have, especially in a world where being religious and spiritual are equated with lacking in logic and reason. There is nothing wrong with doubt. It's actually a very healthy and normal thing. If you didn't doubt things in religion at least some of the time, you'd never have the opportunity to grow in your faith and worship. I also ind that once you go through a trying period of faith with the gods, it solidifies your belief in them all the more. ✨

All of this is basically just to say: do what feels right to you. The gods will understand if you need a break from worship or want to look into other religions. They're not ones to hate or reject people solely based on being unsure of their beliefs. You can be as uncertain as you want; they aren't going to judge you for that.

My best advice to you is, if you feel called to it, just dive right in and give worship a try. Don't be afraid to get your feet wet because, in all honesty, you have absolutely nothing to lose from it. No harm will come to you. The gods are not vengeful against their followers for losing faith, not worshipping them 24/7 (in fact, I hardly ever give daily offerings to the gods; I just offer when I have the time and energy to do so, and they don't mind), etc. You have nothing to fear.

I hope this helped and gave you the answers you were looking for! Please don't hesitate to ask me more questions; I am always happy to help. ☺️🧡

[my-mt-heart]

Maybe I should clarify something that seems to be getting in the way of communication? Yes, this is a fan blog and people are expressing their personal opinions—everybody is entitled to theirs and I'm not trying to silence anyone, but to me and MT (please, correct me if I'm being presumptuous in speaking for you here) it also resides in a murky hinterland where we need to be aware of our professional personas/reputation. It's a public forum, so I'm focusing on certain talking points over others. That doesn't mean I'm blind.

(Also, sometimes, thoughts live in the spaces between words, not unlike coins and cookie crumbs underneath the cushions of a couch.)

"I understand the mission, what's helpful and what's not. But completely ignoring and dismissing his part in it all ain't it."

@satireplz, I'm neither dismissing, nor ignoring the man's flaws. (I'm well aware of them.) It's just not a productive conversation in this particular context. He's not running for public office, nor does he decide if the spinoff gets canceled, so it'll just fuel the current wave of 'misunderstood white men' who complain about being persecuted. We don't need someone going on a 2 am rage tweet spree about being bullied out of all his privilege and for media to pick that up and run with how unhinged fans are. Being the headline would be counterproductive when we want to draw attention to mistreatment of both employees and consumers.

AMC needs to change their practices. All executives need to be vigilant regarding their behavior and decisions: they affect real people and their livelihood. That's where we can have an impact right now.

@mmbangel:

"The facts are AMC loves Norman & they will do anything for him and he had always wanted his own spin off. The move to France has been very beneficial for Norman & trying to paint him as some victim is bullshit."

AMC is a business set up to make money, so their primary motivator is financial gain, not love. If the studio can make a profit out of Norman, it will. If he won't give them enough of a return, they'll invest elsewhere. He's a commodity. AMC has also had a massive overturn of personnel in the last year and working for the company doesn't make you part of a hive mind. Most of the key execs have moved on from their positions and Gimple doesn't love Norman or any of the other actors or the writers.

He isn't blameless, but there's no spinoff and probably won't be regardless of where Norman lives.

"If you love Melissa as much as you claim you wouldn't want her anywhere near Amc, Norman and Gimple. They treated her like trash and as if she wasn't important to TWD or the fans."

I don't want anyone anywhere near Gimple, but Melissa, as a competent adult, can choose for herself what she wants to do. It's difficult for female actors in their 50s to get work. It's a humiliating process if you're not a select few, coming mainly from film. That's also being treated like trash. Regardless, it's not for me to tell Melissa what to do and I think MT's collective just wants to give her the option to choose what she wants.

"People are upset because if NR and AMC treated the women tied to this spin-off as disposable….it does not speak well of them."

@cool-avaspuppies, I agree with you, but I think it's also important to remember that AMC isn't a monolith (even if they may seem like the Borg) and the people who oversaw the TWD franchise are no longer at the company. That gives a window to having some kind of impact on working conditions and the creative output that gets greenlit. Like you said, it's currently more important to target the people in power if we want good programming that is mindful of both its audience and the people working on the production.

If anyone minds being mentioned by name when I quote or address topics they've raised, please let me know and I will respect your wishes. I'm not here to hurt anyone's feelings. Just trying to work out where our common ground might be. :)

[SF]

I feel like I haven’t been successful yet in explaining why I’m always so diplomatic so thank you for bringing that up. It is a safeguard when you work in an industry where reputation and relationships are everything even if I’m confident nobody knows who I am. But also? It comes down to principles for me. We’re all human beings behind our handles and/or TV personas, so I think we all deserve to be treated that way. Getting publicly attacked, harassed, or threatened by people who don’t know you can be extremely damaging and I would never want to subject anyone to that when I know there are blind spots (not that I am fully blind either). That is a far cry from believing someone can do no wrong or hasn't done anything wrong.

I think we’ve been pretty successful finding common ground by showing our appreciation for Melissa, not to be confused with trying to force her into something she doesn’t want to do, and also loving Caryl, so that’s what I tend to focus on. 

[lighthouseborna]

To what extent does Henry feel like he's missed out during his upbringing, with Will not being present? Considering that Jack has been there for him, to what extent does he feel he's lacked anything at all, growing up? Would his father being present just be a nice bonus, or is it something vital for him, in his head?

Oh he feels so plainly extensively and irrevocably he has been robbed and he's moderately to majorly absolutely rabid about it, depending on his mood when you ask and your reason for asking about it.

Let me start with, though: despite certain appearances and assumptions that could (fairly) be made, Jack did not act as Henry’s father, and more than likely actively dissuaded Henry regarding (or at least making any direct addresses of) him as a parent. I imagine that’s something that has been worn down, over the years. And obviously Henry’s reached a point where he’s like “too late, you’re one of mine” but I think there was a lot more insistence around it when Henry was younger. If he ever had one of those like... moments adjacent to calling your teacher mom instead of ma’am, dad instead of Jack, it was directly corrected. He’s not his dad. Something maybe sort of like a parent -this makes “Uncle” acceptable- but anything else was too much like implying that Jack intentionally set things up to fill the space Will’s absence left. And that’s just... not what happened. Not what he meant. Not what he did. Not why he did it. And maybe there’s no way to stop other people thinking what they think, assuming what they assume, saying what they say to each other, but when it comes to what role Jack played, how Henry sees him, I think it was always clear between them. I think Jack needed it to be clear, for a variety of reasons; I think Henry might have been frustrated about it as a young child, but was grateful for that distinction and clarity by the time he was older and unraveling the whole mess. Jack’s there for Henry and there when he’s there and he’s family, but it’s just not like that.

But more to the point, I think people tend to focus on the “dad” aspect of the whole “Rescue my Dad” agenda, and I think that creates this notion of.. Henry viewing his family as incomplete? That to not have Will there created a concept of being different or broken or wrong, but. I don’t think that’s where it comes from. I think that puts the emphasis in the wrong place. I don’t think it’s ‘Rescue my Father’, I think it’s ‘rescue My father’. Not that there is some abstract concept “father”, the final piece of this nuclear family unit to put in a dad shaped socket, but My father, Henry’s dad, William Turner who is stuck somewhere he shouldn’t be. It’s not that he did miss out without A Father and it’s not that actually he didn’t miss out because Jack was there to teach him things and be an influence, Henry was robbed because someone who loved him was kept out of his life by force. Someone who would have been there, given the chance. Someone bound to Henry, who had things to teach him and affection for him and a relationship that remained but was nothing like what they would have built of it together. I don’t think it has anything to do with having A Dad, I think it had everything to do with “that’s my dad stuck down there.”

He doesn’t think he missed out because he lacked A Dad, he’s pissed off because the father he very much does have (thanks very much) can’t be there. Not isn’t or doesn’t or won’t but cannot. Doesn’t get to choose, doesn’t get to try or not try or whatever he’d do (which I know and you know and I think Henry knows from what he did get and from what Mum and Jack tell honestly of him, is that he would try, but even if he wouldn’t it’s the damn principle of the thing.)

Because frankly I don’t think Henry gives a single shit about what other people think families are and I don’t think Henry gives a single shit what the ‘traditional’ way people are raised is and I don’t think Henry would ever frame any thought of it around being different from others —if only because he grew up where he grew up and honestly whole families are probably the exception and not the rule in Shipwreck, so there’d be less pressure from a young age to plant that strict standard— I think it was always about that someone Henry felt connected to, a real living breathing person who cared about him and who Henry cared about, was trapped. And I think that’s why it becomes so much the focus of his attention after their first meeting; everything about that day just confirms what Henry’s always thought about him. So he digs up this myth and chases these magics and he can bring him back.

And sure there’s some part of it coming from wanting to -after a fashion- give back and do things for his mother, and there is a concept of fixing what was pulled asunder, repairing something, but I just. I really don’t think the reason he thinks of it as wrong or upset or broken is that ‘I don’t have a dad’ in some nebulous, externally-defined nature, but specifically that ‘my dad, the man my mother loves, the person who cares for me from any distance and though we’ve only met once, who would have been here if he could have, cannot.’ Not anything to do with a family unit per se but vitally that “He loves us and he cannot stay and that is wrong." And yes probably at this point in his life Henry’s capable of acknowledging that it was a choice in the moment which gave the chance to even have something to be mad about, because without it Will would be dead, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck alright? It can be a good thing and still suck.

And he can fix it. For His Mother. For His Father. For love, from love.

Who gives a fuck if he had a father or not when he was growing up, he wants (still, present, active) his dad.

[erichsenditlevsen53]

A homeowners landscape can tell you a lot about that person. A lot of people don't pay attention to their home's landscaping, thinking that it isn't important. This couldn't be further from the truth. If you are ready to make some changes in your yard, then this article can help you get started.

You do not have to hire a professional to design your landscape for you, but it might be worth your time and money to quickly meet with an architect. You will get a better idea of how much your project will cost and perhaps avoid mistakes that would end up costing you money. When planning a landscaping project for your house, consider breaking your entire project down into much smaller jobs. This is important if you are not able to afford the entire project at one time. Doing so will let you tackle your project bit by bit, and not have your yard look like a mess in the meantime. When it comes to landscaping, the timing of your purchases can mean everything. Buying certain items during certain seasons can mean paying much less for those items. Make sure you are paying attention to sales, but at the same time, you must also make sure you are sticking with your plan as well. Do not forget your hardscape when it comes to your landscaping plans. A deck or patio is an important aspect in your landscape's appearance. There are many options for decks and patios that include rock designs or woods that coordinate with the colors of your trees, shrubs and flowers. Do not forget this important aspect. If you choose to landscape your property by yourself, sit down and figure out what the costs will be. Plan out your entire project, writing down a list containing everything you are going to need. Then, figure out where you will be buying your materials. Depending on where you live, prices can vary greatly. Call around to find the best prices available in your area. If your landscape includes a waterfall or pond, it is important you surround these areas with decorative stones and flowers that will not cover up the design of your structure. Make sure that any water items you have are complimented nicely so that it doesn't take away from their natural appeal. Rather than purchasing plant seeds at a store, you may want to think of getting them online. There are many websites that not only offer these seeds for a discounted price, but they will also provide you with information on how to care for them. There are many kinds of seeds you can get on the Internet. Think about how big your plants will eventually get, before deciding where to place them, or whether you should use them at all. This is vital, so that you do not use plants that end up outgrowing their planting space, and overshadowing their neighbor plants. Plan now so you do not have to move plants around later. At nighttime, if you want to show off your lawn, plants, and other aspects of your outdoor area, you may want to invest in landscape lighting. These lights can be placed above your walkway, your lawn, or sidewalk and they can be purchased at many home improvement stores in your area. When planning a landscaping project for your yard, be sure that you consider the layout in terms of how the plants will mature. This is important because you want to make sure that everything looks orderly and also that you do not have some plants growing over and hiding your other plants. Know what items can be purchased cheaply at your local home-improvement store and which ones you should spend top dollar on. It makes sense to purchase common items, such as mulch, pavers and ordinary perennials, at a big-box store. Specialty items and exotic plants should be purchased from a store that has a knowledgeable staff capable of advising you on the correct installation procedures or care of your purchase. You should now feel a lot more confident in changing your home's landscape and drawing in people to appreciate the beauty of your home. outdoor security lights nz has the potential to look more beautiful than it currently is. So take some time to landscape your home and see how much it can improve for the whole family.

[mental-health-advice]

TW: suicide baiting (I think), ableism

I was diagnosed with adhd, depression and anxiety a few months ago. It was very relieving, as I was able to finally understand more about myself and why some things are so hard for me. But recently I’ve been looking at adhd on tumblr and twitter, and it’s been making me feel horrible about myself.

One of them is the fact that a lot of people with adhd tend to speak over autistic people/ignore their issues, and seeing this deeply saddens me. I hate it when people try to take over conversations that aren’t about them. But another thing that really upsets me is the way some autistic people talk about people with adhd. I’ve seen things like “non-autistic people with adhd should k*ll themselves” “non-autistic people with adhd are disgusting and privileged” “non-autistic people with adhd should all be k*lled, or die, or have horrible things happen to them, they’re boring, they’re rude, and they’re not good people, everyone should hate them”. I know this is probably a small minority of autistic people, and I absolutely don’t hate anyone who is autistic because of this. One person in a group doesn’t determine everyone else.

It’s starting to take a big toll on my mental health. I see things like this and all I can think is that they’re talking specifically about me. I don’t talk over people who are discussing their own issues, and I don’t take over conversations that aren’t about me. I don’t hate autistic people, or anyone, I love everyone and just want to be accepted. But I feel so guilty when I see things like this. I wish other people with adhd would stay in their lane when it comes to talking about ableism towards ND people, because it really just makes all people with adhd look like idiots.

I don’t really know what to do. I try my best to stop looking at things like this online, but I always get sucked back in. I don’t know how to confront the issue of other people with adhd constantly speaking over others without feeling like it’s my fault and I’m a horrible person for having adhd.

—🍋

Hey there,

I can completely get and understand that when you read such things you can feel like it’s specifically about you, but try to remind you that it’s not and that everyone is completely different in their own right and no matter what they may have diagnostic wise whether it be ADHD, autism or something else, this does not define them or who they are.

With saying this you are not a horrible person at all, you haven’t done anything wrong. Unfortunately, we cannot change others perspectives of particular people with certain a diagnosis’ but we can choose what we do with what we hear. For example, politely telling them they shouldn’t be saying things like that or perceiving how or what those people should or shouldn’t be doing in regards to ‘killing themselves’ or how ‘disgusting’ they are.

Another option may be to choosing to accept that there will always be people out there that will have different opinions (not all of which will be correct or right) and this is their right to have those opinions in a way as we are all individuals and have the right to see things differently. But through choosing to accept this, either not looking at tumblr and twitter however tempting it may be to do so, or being in a head space where you can read their comments and just being mindful it’s just what ‘they’ think and isn’t necessarily true or have any factual truth to it and then being able to just let those comments go without thinking or giving them too much thought.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[awakeningloveindia]

The Many Benefits Of Family Constellations

It is obvious that clients benefit from having their family constellations set up and worked with.

It is a common misconception that representatives and observers benefit less, and I want to correct it. Constellations are, in fact, equally valuable for clients, representatives, and observers alike. This seems surprising, and yet it is a universal experience. Family constellations offer clients, representatives, and observers equally the chance to learn about life and relationships on a very deep, experiential level.  

Representing and observing give us life experience that is every bit as deep as having our constellation done. Clients who come only to have their own constellation done are missing a large part of the benefit. Representing and observing enhance our integration skills as clients, and experience in the constellation energy field is an education in life and relationship skills. 

Benefits for Clients and Their Families 

Clients have stories—the stories they always tell about their families: their father was like this; their mother was like that; they suffered thus and so. They come with a familiar picture of who the good and bad guys in their family are. They have told these stories hundreds of times and yet telling them brought no fundamental changes. These stories are never true on the Soul Level. A family constellation sets clients free from this paradigm. They discover the rules that govern their family energy field. They experience how various members are caught up and moved to behave and act in certain ways, rather than acting out of free choice. And at the end of a constellation, they are left with a healing image that percolates over time into their lives and into their family energy field. Because it affects the whole family energy field, a constellation has an effect on all the members of a family, not only on the person who set it up. 

Benefits for Representatives 

THE ROLE OF THE REPRESENTATIVES 

Representatives stand in the place of a person (the client’s mother, father, or child; a victim; a perpetrator; etc.) or an abstract concept or entity (Death, Life, a country, etc.) and are chosen by either the facilitator or the client. It does not matter who is chosen to represent. Usually, it is better to have men representing men, and women representing women. However, I have found that it makes no real difference except in the case where, in a group sufficiently rich in participants of both genders, a client chooses a man to represent a woman or vice versa. Then the choice is significant. When facilitators choose, they do not know what the people being represented look like, and so cannot be influenced. Clients are likely to choose representatives who resemble the represented people in some way. Sometimes this is uncanny. 

Benefits for the Observer 

The task of observers is to hold and sustain the energy field that a constellation brings into being with their attention. In a way, the observer gets it all free.  

Watching the deepest human dramas unfold and find their resolution, and learning how human life works on the Soul Level, Observer feels so liberated—so wonderfully clean in their energy field—and all They had done was watch attentively. 

SUMMARY 

The method of family constellations is as follows: 

The client and the facilitator define the issue.

The client, or sometimes the facilitator, chooses representatives for family members.

The client sets up these representatives in space and direction.

The energy field takes over and the representatives start to feel what the people they are representing feel. The facilitator may ask the representatives what is happening to them, or may simply let the “Movements of the Soul” take place.

The facilitator asks the representatives to say particular phrases, which can be regarded as Truth Statements, to each other.

All moves or utterances are regarded as experimental. If the energy field changes toward resolution, the moves or utterances are shown to be well chosen.

At a certain point, usually, when the constellation nears resolution, the client may take his or her place in the constellation.

Resolution happens when the people represented have found peace. It is not inevitable, and it may be surprising. 

Syndication URL on The Many Benefits Of Family Constellations

[clapphauge96]

action plan for hold time

When it is time perform some minor concrete crack repair on your sidewalk or driveway by yourself not know what materials obtain. You may have some seen your neighbor apply certain kind of orange foam that looked terrible and said to yourself, "There must donrrrt better system." Don't worry buddy there's a much better technique. I always tell people incorporated with this a self leveling caulk with a backer fishing rod. You might not know what self leveling sealant does, but keep reading and we'll show you to fix your concrete cracks exactly where there is to choose the right materials. When When mirillis action Activation Code started, I didn't know the things i was doing and very first blog I put up, I made $100 by two weeks.and guidelines and meal plans a practice blog.I didn't even market it. Cracking simply relieves pressure from joints that is done by tense muscles and tight joint parts. With a good massage on our neck and back, the stretching relieves this ball of pressure for this muscle tension and joint stiffness. What to do since can assist? Get yourself moving with some physical action to start your momentum toward a treatment. Talk to someone, call someone, read something (like the publication you're reading now) to the problem, start brainstorming. But, beyond leaving it alone, again look to filling the crack or replacing the wood. Lessen difference end up being to use a contrasting or supplementing wood or other material regarding matching parts. For fill, use a contrasting putty, sawdust, or epoxy. If replacing the wood, route or saw out a groove and employ a contrasting wood to fill the space. Or, patch choose a. A patch in this particular case budding irregular but still contrasting. Patches are harder but could add much more character towards finished end. Hawaiian calabashes are often patched cash beautiful influences. At one time you might check for termites as well as other pests that would be in place. If you live in the prone to earthquakes you may also consider having your home earth-quake proofed. Accomplished by installing seismic anchor bolts. Niche Marketing on Crack tells increase profits with Google looking for your tournament. This little secret was right under my eyes, and I just never discovered it before. A lot of the other gurus told me about it, but they never said exactly where it was (makes me kind of irritated) nowadays I learn! I can apply this little part of info to both my web sites and my blogs. In the end, the correct way to repair a crack is an individual choice that expresses the woodturner's philosophy and versatility. Conceal the repair, accept the repair, or emphasize the repair. There is no "right" answer. When life provides you lemons, test make soda and pop. When a crack happens in an environmentally friendly woodturning, maybe the end result could get more beautiful and noteworthy. Where are the bounds of creativity?

[chelleztjs18]

Hello you mrs. sandwich eater organizer lefty eyebag 😅

I am good today, doing laundry. How are you?

Yes, that's how I imagined Nat and Yelena too! I think that's why I don't read much Nat x R together because I see them more as just best friends, siblings or even roommates. But definitely like a devils advocate to R hahaha then with Yelena, same thing. Like best friends since birth, ride or die, can't get rid of.

Don't get me started on that sexual tension stuff that you write about R and Wanda hahaha I get all giddy and then angry because they're so stubborn! And you wrote the details so good, I think one time I got mad at you because you were toying with my emotions 🤣 all is forgiven though lol

So do you bring snacks on the plane?

Also, why of all places, did you guys choose to move to Oklahoma?

Correct, that's how I am. I'm glad that the people I was with before didn't complain about it. But at the same time, I wonder if they regret not getting much sex.

Nah, you made my eye roll, so now I can't see because of how far back it rolled ahahahaha okay, if you can guess what meal wins my heart instantly, then you win.

There was this studio that had brick walls. I was going for that kind of look, but someone took the space before me. I am the same way, I have a lot of paintings on my wall. It used to be a lot of dark paintings (my ex loves Halloween or spooky season) but since she took all that, I decided to hang the artworks I've done over the summer time.

When I build or buy my own house, I want to have a dark room to be able to do photography again. It's been my dream to have a small den where half of it is where I can paint, thne the other half is where I can develop photos.

That's a good idea, have the less used item on the bottom shelf. Cause in my place, it only comes with one cabinet for the pantry, its a tall cabinet too. Then the usual shelves for plates and cups. I hate that it's a small kitchen, but I like it at the same time lol

That's cute, a little signature 🤣 please tell me you can do a British impression?

Do you have a weakness?

-CuriousGeorge

hello you certain chip eater in a flatten sandwich righty eyebag! I'm back. sorry for the late answer. i hope u r still awake.

my day got a bit busy today. i did some laundry n fold some of them. :)

Ah i see. i like reading Natasha as the love interest..but Kate and Yelena, i dont really read them as love interest. plus i havent got the chance to read more. if i read more maybe i can change my mind about it.

hahaha to be honest, i actually laughed when i read ur comments here about the Ten Days and the sexual tensions. lol. which part in it that got u "angry"? hahaha. well, be prepare for that in the next chapters of Ten Days :D

Aaww really? i'm glad u enjoy it. it reallly made u feel giddy n then angry? thats good! that was kinda what i was trying to do :P for people have that emoitonal roller coaster but in a funny way n some jokes in it. i just love to put funny part in my fluff. :D

have u read my christmas fic with wanda n the maximoffs twin boys? "the best christmas" i think. haha. there is a joke n funny scene that i am low key proud of it. lol.

nah, not really. i mostly just get some water, iced tea or iced coffee when i fly.

we moved to Oklahoma because he got a job in a biggest weed farm in Oklahoma. :D

well, past is past. If they didn't complain about it, it means that it wasnt the main problem n it doesnt bother them. n don't feel bad about it. understanding in relationship is mutual. plus u told me that u dont mind with it to make them feel good n loved. So you've done ur best and didnt do anything wrong. :) i hope i make u feel a bit better? :D

hmmm whats ur favorite food or meals that wins ur heart. how about italian? something like pasta? did i guess it right? hahaha

dark paintings? something like what? like scary pictures? ouh i love how brick walls look like. that would be nice if u can get the brick studio. sometimes i imagine how it feels if i live in a penthouse a brick and minimalist rustic vibe or theme. industrial theme is nice too.

dark room? isnt it for printing photos in an old way? photographers nowadays still do that?

if i build my own house i want one movie theater room with a very good quality surround sound with cozy couch and full bar. hahaha. so i can enjoy movies and listening to music or watch concerts videos with good quality sound. n i want a nice large kitchen complete with anything u can think of to help u cook with a nice huge walk in pantry. hahaha.

yeah, i understand what u meant with ur cabinet n pantry size. but so far right now it's only u, so it wouldnt be needed to stock bunch of stuff :)

haha yeah my signature. n no i cant do brits impression. i wish i could speak in british accent though.

weakness? i'm a little confuse with what u meant. if i answer praises n compliments, are they what u meant?my other answer probably soft touches, because it's my love language.

or did u mean weakness as in my negative traits (which is sound like a job interview) lol

next questions?

Cheerio!

[mossy-rainfrog]

[Image ID: A digital drawing of Martin and Jon in season 1 of the Magnus Archives. Martin is seen out in the archives hallway, through the doorway to Jon’s office. Martin a fat Black man with short coily hair, round glasses, and snake bite lip piercings. He wears a blue sweater over a white collared shirt, and carries a brown satchel with him. Martin is looking over his shoulder with interest as he walks into work, and in a smaller panel to the side, we see Jon watching him with wide eyes. Jon is a thin Persian person with long greying hair tied back in a low bun, and rectangular glasses. He wears a red button down underneath a brown jacket, and is seated at the desk in his office. He stares out at Martin, looking flustered. There are small lines by Martin’s mouth indicating the piercings, and there are exclamation marks by Jon’s head indicating his reaction. End ID.]

I found an old fic in my notes about Martin dressing alt/punk outside of work and accidentally leaving on a small indicator of his usual fashion when he comes into the archives and I just. had to bring it back. Also, because I am still fond of it, please enjoy the aforementioned fic🥰:

Jon is having a difficult morning, to say the least. He had believed that coming into work an entire hour early would provide him with ample time to get a head start on today’s organizing, but that has decidedly not been case. He’s already had to take the statements of two utterly ridiculous liars who could barely keep the grins off of their faces as they recounted their ludicrous tale, and then listen to Elias subsequently dress down his so-called ‘attitude towards patrons’ for nearly half an hour, and suffice it to say, he would really like to get started on something that is actually worth his time.

He dislikes settling down with the more... difficult statements before all of his colleagues arrive, an attempt to keep them from interrupting his recordings to greet him, so once he’s finished his other menial tasks, he finds himself simply sitting and waiting for the ensemble of his assistants to arrive.

Tim and Sasha are the first - entering together as usual after having stopped for coffee on the way in - but Martin is slow to follow, taking nearly another fifteen minutes to arrive. It’s nearly ten past seven at that point, and once Jon hears Martin’s steps coming towards his office, he has half a mind to give the man yet another lecture on punctuality and work ethic. He gets as far enough as bracing his hands on the table to stand up, and then Martin appears in the doorway to his office, and he realizes something strikingly different about his appearance.

That is to say, Jon’s whole world narrows down very suddenly to the little black studs decorating the space underneath his bottom lip.

He’s staring, he knows he is, but Martin is busy looking down the hall for the moment, so Jon doesn’t force himself to tear his eyes away just yet. How long has he had his lip pierced, Jon wonders? Has it been there the whole time he’s known him? Has he only recently gotten it done? How? Why?

It’s hard to imagine Martin - soft, unassuming Martin who is far too large for the amount of space he crams himself into, always slouching, always pulling himself inwards as if he can make himself disappear - dressing in any way other than soft sweaters and slacks, but if Jon’s honest, he’s never actually seen the man outside of work. He has no idea how Martin chooses to dress himself when out from under the Institute’s rigid dress code, and this tiny window he’s been provided with is making him maddeningly curious.

He’s not... he doesn’t have feelings for Martin, aside from a general annoyance, occasionally marked with curiosity. He’s a professional, for God’s sake, not to mention that Martin’s very existence as a given is like a grain of sand in his eye, rubbing and irritating. Now he cuts clean through without even noticing. Jon itches to know more.

“Jon?” Martin’s voice tears him from his thoughts. “Is something wrong?”

Oh, shit. Jon can feel his gaze heat up as if he’s done something horribly wrong - how embarrassing that he can’t even keep a blush off of his face - but he still forces himself to open his mouth and stutter out an excuse. He means to remark on one of Martin’s missing reports, or the fact that he’s coming in nine minutes late, but what ends up leaving his mouth is; “Your lip is pierced.”

Just a sentence, not a question. He thinks he’s positively beet red. Martin freezes, the tips of his ears darkening visibly against his brown skin as his hand shoots to his mouth and his eyes widen.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I must have forgotten to take them out,” the poor man looks like he’s about to panic as he whips his gaze around as if to see if anyone else has noticed. “Don’t tell Elias, please, I’ve seen how he gets after Tim for the dress code, and there is no way, I mean no way—”

“Oh, n-no, it’s- I- it’s fine, really,” Jon raises his hands in defense as Martin rambles, for some reason inclined to reassure the man. “I won’t- I’m not- I’m not going to tell him.”

Martin hesitates, wringing his hands, apologies visible on every pore of his face. “I- Thank you. I’ll- I’ll go take it off. Christ, that’s embarrassing.”

“Only if you want,” Jon shrugs, which is definitely not the correct thing for him to say as a boss, and it definitely comes out a little gentler than he intends it to, and Jon is three seconds from screaming if he can’t figure out how to make himself react normally to this. It’s a non-traditional piercing in an academic institute of research; it’s against the rules, however dated they may be, and further than that, there is no reason for it to completely undo his composure the way that it has. He tries to get a hold of himself. “I-I mean, that’s likely for the best.”

Martin is giving him a funny look - probably a response to seeing the whole spectrum of human emotions flash across Jon’s face in a millisecond - but he still nods and says: “Sorry again. Thank you,” and then disappears down the corridor.

Jon immediately buries his face in his hands and sighs.

What is wrong with him? For God’s sake, he’s just seen Martin with a lip piercing, it’s not like he’s witnessed the man undressed. Besides, he works in an archive where he has to read statements about the intricacies of monsters that rip off people’s skin and suchlike every day, he should know how to keep his composure better than this. He should just move on with his day and focus without a problem, just like he does every morning.

Except, his mind keeps wandering back to it; the way the little studs had followed the shape of his mouth, the way they had quirked up when he flashed one of his nervous smiles, the way Jon is still desperately curious about what brought him to get them done, and also what it might feel like to brush a thumb, or perhaps even his lips over them.

Jon sits up so fast his head actually smacks against an open filing cabinet behind him. His mind is too busy reeling to notice the ache that fills his head, and he stares straight ahead with wide eyes and utterly scorching cheeks. Absolutely not. He absolutely did not just think about kissing Martin Blackwood. that was- that would be...

He blinks hard, clears his throat. It doesn’t matter what that was. He’s decidedly not interested in Martin Blackwood romantically, or in any other capacity given his truly ridiculous academic competence and his obnoxious habit of interrupting seemingly every stable thing Jon has in his life. He crushes the feeling down hard, locks it up in a box, stuffs it down under his lowest two ribs, and resolves himself never to open it again.

He is not going to keep thinking about this all day. He has work to do, and if something as simple as a pair of metal studs can distract him this badly, then he needs to make absolutely certain it doesn’t happen again.

He tells himself he’s not disappointed when he sees Martin without the piercings later that day.

[neocityjs]

Clingy - LJN

Pairing: boyfriend!jeno x reader

Genre: a lil angst, fluff

Warnings: established relationship, Haechan is a bit annoying in this one I’m sorry (Haechan best boy)

Words: 3k

Summary: hurt after hearing your boyfriend and his friends calling you clingy, you decide to show them how not clingy you can be.

A/N: everything is fictional, including the characters’ traits. English is not my first language, therefore I’m sorry for the errors.

Movie nights with your friends were your favorites.

Well, it’d be more correct for me to say “with your boyfriend’s friends”, since you didn’t know them before meeting Jeno. But that doesn’t matter, because in no time you managed to bond with everyone, especially the clumsy yet adorable kid, Jisung, and the loving caffeine addicted boy, Jaemin.

Movie nights with your friends consisted in you eight – even though today you were only seven since Mark was out with some of his friends – sprawled on one couch –  don’t ask me how, but all of you always manage to fit in since no one wants to sit on the carpet – with a blanket covering you and some snacks passing between. Those represented some of those moments you swear you would cherish for all your life.

Tonight seemed to be no different. Jeno had come picking you up at 7 p.m., you spent some time together, walking around, talking and giggling like usual, and you dropped at his house where other five – well, four boys (Jaemin lost to rock paper scissors so he had to go shopping for snacks) – were waiting for the both of you. Donghyuck always got to choose the movie you would watch, not without complaints from every one of you, yet at the end you’d always like what he picks, but Donghyuck doesn’t need to know that.

And there you were, all sprawled on the couch – though not in a very comfortable position –. You had already seen the movie which was playing loudly on the TV, hence you decided to pay more attention to your boyfriend instead. You were all cuddled up with him: he was hugging you, stroking your back from time to time. Your head was on his shoulder while your hand rested on his chest. Sometimes you couldn’t help but leave a furtive and quick kiss on his jaw, praying no one would notice you. He’d smile at you – gosh his eye smile UWU – and then he’d hug you closer.

About one hour after the movie’s beginning, you felt some physical needs pressing, so you quickly excused yourself and got up from the couch.

“Should I pause it?” Renjun asked, the remote already between his hands.

“No, don’t worry. I’ve already seen it anyway”

You made your way to the bathroom only to find out that the toilet paper was missing.

You sighed. Boys.

So you went back to the living room, where everyone was gathered.

You were about to open your mouth to ask where they kept the spare paper but something odd caught your ear. You backed up, hiding behind the wall. You obviously knew that eavesdropping was not by any means honest, especially if it was a conversation between your best friends. But you were almost certain that they were talking about you, your name dropping from one of the boys’ mouth.

“Enjoy being free while you can” Donghyuck joked with Jeno. You furrowed your brows.

What was that supposed to mean? You peeked your head cautiously, not wanting to be seen.

“You’re just jealous you don’t have a girlfriend” Jisung laughed at him, to which the boy responded with a sharp stare.

“Seriously, Jisung? When you haven’t even had your first kiss?”

“Ya ya ya! Shut up and don’t fight you two” Jaemin intervened, throwing a popcorn at them.

A brief moment of silence followed. You still didn’t understand what they were talking about.

“She’s just affectionate, that’s all” Jeno finally spoke, at which you held your breath.

So they were talking about you being clingy with your boyfriend. And this response from Jeno meant that he didn’t mind it, right? Or else he would have agreed with the boy. The thing is, you never thought about it: you supposed that a little kiss every now and then was a way to show your love and affection to him, plus he never complained about it, or never backed away.

“I know, but don’t tell me you don’t find this suffocating sometimes” Donghyuck continued.

Okay, now he was seriously getting on your nerves. What the heck did he care if you were clingy with your boyfriend? This was something between you and Jeno, and he wasn’t allowed to interfere with it, especially in front of everyone in the room. You thought he was making fun of you by now.

At this point you expected something to come out of Jeno’s mouth, anything that could have proven Donghyuck wrong, but he said nothing.

And silence means consent.

How did you know this? Well, Jeno wasn’t one to back out from speaking his opinion, especially with his friends. Especially with Donghyuck, for God’s sake, this guy was constantly bickering – though not with malicious intentions – with everyone.

“We shouldn’t talk behind her back like this” affirmed Jaemin with a severe stare. Jeno looked down: you didn’t know it but he was feeling suddenly guilty, agreeing with Jaemin. Everyone then went silent, the only sounds that could be heard being the dialogues in the movie.

You pressed your back against the wall, processing what you just heard.

Why didn’t he ever tell you? Why did he act like he loved it while, actually, he hated it? Then you thought about every time you held his hand in public, or hugged him, or kissed him, and then your thoughts went to five minutes before, when you were hugging him on the couch. You started feeling sorry.

Maybe after all it’s true, and he didn’t tell me anything because he didn’t want to hurt me.

But well, now it hurt twice as much since you weren’t aware of what your friends and your own boyfriend thought about you. Maybe every one of them, except for Jeno obviously, thanked God they hadn’t a girlfriend like you, who was suffocating and clingy.

And it was at this moment that your guilt turned into anger.

You just wanted to show all your affection and care to your boyfriend who you loved with all your heart, but apparently you were only bothering him. And Donghyuck - oh Donghyuck – you were so angry at him right now. What was the point in making fun of you in front of everyone when you weren’t even there? At the same time, you took a mental note to thank Jisung and Jaemin, the only two people who stood to defend you.

Okay, tonight you were proving everyone how not clingy you could be. Indeed, you were going to interact the least possible with Jeno. He wanted space? Good, you were giving him tons of it.

You eventually went to the toilet using one of your tissues since you were not asking any of them where the hell was the toilet paper, you washed your hands and went back to the couch.

But this time you didn’t hug Jeno. You simply forced a smile and sat next to him with your arms crossed. You tried not to be too obvious, you still didn’t want them to know that you heard everything, but you were sure your face was saying otherwise, and the confirmation arrived when Jeno asked you “Is everything ok?” full of concern.

You just called me clingy and let Donghyuck make fun of me. Yes, everything’s amazing.

“Yes, of course. Why?” you replied, using all of your acting skills in the process which, by the way, were very poor. But apparently they worked, because Jeno smiled at you and shook his head. “Nothing”.

But if you were successful at lying to him right now, then by the end of the movie he understood that something was wrong. You were avoiding all of his attempts of skin ship because “it was too hot”, but then you were grasping at the blanket like there’s no tomorrow. You were also laughing at everything remotely funny that came out of Jaemin’s mouth while you simply ignored all of Jeno’s attempts of making you laugh. Hell, you didn’t even argue with Donghyuck when he murmured something about Jeno being the most unfunny guy he ever met. Oh and you were playing and laughing with Jisung who was sitting next to you.

In short, you were avoiding him.

But he decided to shrug these thoughts away. Maybe he was being paranoid, he thought: you were just enjoying your friends’ company, plus it wasn’t written anywhere that you were allowed to talk and give attentions only to him.

Little did he know, this was just what you were trying to do: shower everyone with attentions except him.

Eventually the movie came to an end, and while everyone was pronouncing their goodnights and heading to sleep, you just remained there, with your phone between your hands, scrolling mindlessly on your Instagram feed.

Usually you and Jeno would have gone to bed together, sharing your thoughts about the movie you just watched, or simply talking about everything and nothing at the same time. But not today. He wanted space? You were giving him space.

Jeno already stood up to make his departure, but soon noticed you weren’t following him like you always did. “Are you coming?” he asked you, stopping on his tracks.

“I’ll just reply to a few messages and then I’ll go to sleep too. Don’t wait for me, you can go”

“Y/N are you sure everything’s okay? You’ve been acting quite weird. Are you alright? Did something happen?”

“Of course not, Jeno. Nothing happened” you replied rather coldly. Then you sighed. “I’m good, don’t worry for me” you added, softly this time. Although you believed he deserved it, you didn’t want to be too rude to him.

He nodded, and without saying anything more, he left.

At this point you started feeling a tiny bit guilty, still you couldn’t simply pretend nothing happened: their words hurt you and even if you really wished to just forget everything, you couldn’t. You just couldn’t, it was stronger than you.

By the way, you had no intention of sleeping with Jeno tonight, so you grabbed the blanket all of you once shared when watching the movie, and struggled a little bit to find a comfortable position. Eventually, after some tears escaped from your eyes, you drifted into a restless sleep.

It took a couple of hours for Jeno to realize you were not in bed with him.

He just fell asleep, a part of him believing that later you would have joined him. But when he woke up, he immediately sensed that something was off. Still sleepy, he touched the other side of the bed only to find it empty, and immediately stood up. It was 3 A.M, why weren’t you sleeping? What the heck were you doing? Did someone kidnap you? At this point he was surprised of how paranoid he could be.

His thoughts came to an end when he saw you, on the couch, with a blanket shielding you from the cold, all curled up. He didn’t see the dried tears that stained your face, though.

Sitting slowly beside you, not wanting to scare you, he gently shook you, not sure himself if it was the right thing to do. He was just so confused, he genuinely didn’t have any idea of what was happening. But he knew one thing for sure: you had been acting cold with him and he wouldn’t had moved until you confessed what was going on. Was it something he said or did? Was today your anniversary or something and he forgot it? Poor boy absolutely couldn’t find peace unless he knew what he did.

Soon you opened your eyes, still heavy from the – lack of – sleep.

“Hey” he murmured softly.

You considered pretending to sleep but nah, as I said earlier, you weren’t a good actress.

“Hey” you replied, stretching your limbs a little bit.

“I got worried since you weren’t sleeping next to me” he chuckled awkwardly. Sure thing, he didn’t know how to handle this situation since this was the first time you were acting like this.

“I… umm… I just fell asleep here” you replied looking at your hands, which you were scratching due to the nervousness.

Another lie.

Then silence.

“Y/N look at me” his voice suddenly changed, turning colder.

You swallowed, a knot forming again in your throat, as you forced back the tears that were trying to escape. You didn’t want to give in so soon.

But how could you, when he was getting angry at you? You should have been angry, not the opposite. And you know what? He was right, you were taking it too far. He didn’t deserve this. Look at how nice he tried to be all night, you managed to anger a calm and patient man like him. How stupid could you be at this point?

With a quivering lip you turned your head, facing him. He was watching you intently, with a serious frown on his face. Your grip on the blanket got tighter, almost ripping it with your nails.

You stayed silent. Then he spoke.

“Why are you being like this?”

You swallowed. What should you say? Were you even allowed to say anything at this point?

You tried to open your mouth to say something, but as soon as you tried your eyes were filled with tears, rapidly falling on your skin. You just couldn’t take it anymore, so you just faced away and buried your face in the pillow, trying to muffle your sobs. You didn’t want to look so pathetic in his eyes, although by now you thought you were being beyond pathetic.

If earlier there was any anger in Jeno, now every hint of it dissipated at the sight of you crying, curled up on the couch. He suddenly felt guilt taking over him. But the amount of confusion and frustration was bigger, so, as much as it pained him to see you cry because of him, this didn’t prevent him from trying to find out what had gotten into you. He was honestly so tired, he just wanted to sleep with you on his side.

He gently, almost scared, touched your trembling frame, and when he noticed there was no sign of rebellion from you, he lied down and hugged you tightly from behind.

And you kept on crying silently, a loud sob escaping occasionally, as he murmured sweet nothings into your ears, shushing you gently and telling you that everything’s fine, I’m here with you. Just let it out.

When you finally finished crying, he placed a soft kiss on your neck, then another on your wet cheek.

“Wanna talk about it?”

There was no point in lying by now. So you faced him, face full of concern and arms still tightly secured around you. And you just let out everything, from how you overheard their conversation – including how sorry you were for doing it and promising it would never happen again -, to how you were hurt by Donghyuck’s words but mostly by Jeno’s lack of words.

On the other hand, poor Jeno didn’t have any idea this could have affected you so much, and because of this he didn’t even think this could have been the cause of your sudden behavior. He just listened everything silently, surprised, just like a kid to whom the newest things are explained.

“I just got so angry at you for not defending me, and for letting Hyuck make fun of me. So I wanted to distance myself from you as much as possible to have my revenge” you openly confessed, hiding your face in his chest.

“I’m really sorry I took this so far. I should have talked instead” you add.

“Well, that’s true” Jeno replied, “but I can’t say I’m in the right either. First thing, we shouldn’t have talked about you like that, plus I’m really sorry I didn’t say anything to Hyuck, I understand this hurt you a lot”

“But do you really think I’m that clingy? Because if so, all you have to do is say the word and I’ll try to respect you space more” you asked, looking up at him with watery eyes.

And if your ears were sharp enough, you could have heard the sound of Jeno’s heart shattering.

Now he was the one who was on the verge of tears.

“Y/N please don’t ever say such a thing. You don’t have to change anything about yourself. I love you because you are you, including your touchy and loving nature. Besides, don’t look at me this way or I’m seriously gonna cry” he added whining, causing a smile – a real one – to appear on your face.

“Now it’s a lot better” he affirmed, tracing your curled up lips with his thumb.

“Can I kiss you or you’re still mad at me?” he asked.

“I don’t know, I was thinking about making you suffer a little more” you joked.

“Oh my God, you’re unbelievable”

“I think so too”

He raised an eyebrow. “Maybe I should kiss that annoying attitude of yours away”

“I don’t know, should you?”

“I’ll take that as a yes”

And with that he kissed you, the fight of moments ago long forgotten. A slow and gentle kiss, a mixture of emotions being shown: remorse, love, affection. It was a way for the both of you to say “it’s all in the past now”.

After you parted, one thought snapped in his mind.

“Wait, how will you manage the matter with Donghyuck? I can talk to him if you want” he pointed out, concerned. He perfectly understood if you were angry at the boy in question, but he also wished all of you to be as bonded as a big family, his family.

“There’s no need, I’ll just confront him by myself, beat him up until he asks for forgiveness and then forgive and hug him”

Jeno looked at you, almost scared. “What…?”

“Just kidding” you said, laughing at his funny face. Still hugging, you made yourselves comfortable enough to sleep.

“Or maybe not”

[yesimwriting]

Would you write a Kaz Brekker request where the reader is a bookworm and a crow and basically Kaz asks the reader to read to him as his way of apologizing after a argument that was his fault?

 it ​​a/n i did something kinda similar in a 'promise of rain' blurb,, but this concept is so cute to me:)) love it sm i moved it up my request cue lol

also IM IN COLLEGE NOW!! WHAT?? AND IVE BEEN TO A PARTY! AND IM JOINING A SORORITY AND I DID DRAMA AUDITIONS AND AHH !! SO DIFFERENT! I MISS MY MOM AND SISTER AND DOG AND EVEN MY DAD BUT IM HAPPY HERE!! 

also im a little worried this might not portray kaz superrrrr accurately bc it's been awhile so just let me know,, feedback leads to improvement:)) also kinda set this up for a part 2 bc...well youll see 

--

They've always said a lot of things about him, and I've always heard them. But I've never quite believed them. Sure, I get why the dark things that have flourished in the poisoned soil that is Ketterdam consider Kaz Brekker the darkest thing of all. I understand the nickname 'Dirtyhands' for the gloved criminal who has fooled each crime boss at least once. I understand each terrible thing they've said about him.

But I've never agreed with them. I've never even considered agreeing with them. Until today.

The thought that maybe everything people say about him is correct in a simple context struck me worse than the silence after our argument. It made me feel like both a fool and hypocrite. Kaz and I have had our fair share of spats over the relatively short time we've known each other, but never like this. Never so badly he stormed out of the room before I could. I squeeze the book in my lap even harder, desperate to focus on the words on the pages.

You didn't hurt him. He walked away because he decided you weren't worth the cost of his expensive time. I repeat those thoughts in my mind over and over again, letting them bitter me further. It's a lot easier to be mad than hurt. A lot easier to fuel your pain than try to understand your mistakes. Besides, tiredness is already dredging around in my chest and if I don't calm down a little I won't be able to fall asleep.

I had escalated the fight more than I should have. Knowing Kaz is like performing in a tightrope act. One must always be aware of where they're going. Watching what's in front of them without ever thinking too much about what's beneath or behind them. Today though, when I needed my balance most I chose to fall. I chose to dive, and apparently there was no net.

"Oh, you're doing that thing."

I roll my eyes at Jesper's voice as I fight down a yawn. I wipe my face with the back of my palm before turning. The burning behind my eyes never resulted in full tears, but I feel better after doing so. "What thing?"

"That terribly noble thing where you find it in yourself to take full blame for every single conflict you and boss man fall into." The slight humor in his voice is enough for me to roll my eyes again. "Between you and me, I'm sure the reason he's so angry now is because you didn't do that for once."

I press my lips together as my chin angles itself upwards slightly. "I never do that." He raises an eyebrow. The slight sympathy that colors the look is more offensive than his accusation. "If I pick and choose my battles, it's for good reason."

"Clearly."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

He shrugs once before further entering my room. I say nothing when he sits at the foot of my bed. "Oh, you know," Jesper stretches back casually, resting his back against the wall and extending his legs, "You and Kaz--Kaz and you."

Has he been drinking? Perhaps he's not here because of my unusual absence from downstairs after my fight with Kaz but because he's already too tipsy to think right. "What?"

At my confused look he grins, flashing all of his teeth with an arrogance that outshines the whiteness of them. He taps the still open book in my lap. "Let me put it in terms you'll understand." Jesper sits up a little further, amusement clear in his features. "You two make a shameful Elizabeth and Darcy--"

"Oh, shut up," I groan, glaring at him, "This isn't Pride and Prejudice. And Kaz and I," Jesper's smugness returns when I can't quite think of what I want to say, "We're barely friends--we're barely anything, let alone what you're implying."

Jesper pulls his legs up and shoves me gently. "Dearest, y/n," he ignores my glare, "You should know better than anyone that 'barely friends, barely anything' with Kaz is more than it is with anyone else?"

"That doesn't mea--"

"You two say goodnight to each other." Once. Kaz and I said good night to each other in front of Jesper once. How dare he assume it happens regularly? He's right, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with it. "You play cards with him. Not for money, not for skill--"

"It's for practice." The look Jesper gives me is enough to tell me that my defense didn't land.

Damn him for ever finding Kaz and I on one of those strange nights. One of those nights in which he lurks at the stairwell...the one that divides my room and his attic. One of those nights in which it feels like he's a phantom and I'm the only one that can really see him. A night in which we both silently find each other.

I couldn't quite believe it the first time it happened. I'm not exactly a Crow--I don't feel enough a connection to the Dregs to join them without some kind of guarantee--but I was needed for some obscure job. but I was needed for some obscure job. The Crows needed an insider who could blend into high society, and I needed a place to stay away from my father.

It worked. I worked. And with each passing day I found myself enjoying the Crows more and more. That's why I stayed. That's why I started checking the stairwell practically every night, a set of playing cards in my hand.

The first time had been awkward. I couldn't sleep and my room felt too quiet, but the rambunctious club felt too loud and a little unsafe considering the hour. So I settled for the only space in between. When Kaz found me sitting on the steps and playing a solitary card game I had been so stunned by embarrassment I just offered to deal him in. I had been more shocked when he silently accepted my offer.

"Practice?" Jesper repeats. "You were laughing, I heard you."

"That was one time--how do you know we didn't just happen to play cards together the one time you saw it?"

"Because you laughed about a play you considered 'predictable'."

Sighing, I sit up a little straighter. "I'm not having this conversation. Occasionally saying 'goodnight' to someone who lives in the same space I live in and sometimes playing cards with said person because we both happen to be up at a certain time doesn't mean anything."

"And the way he looked at the contact that was flirting with you?"

Oh...this conversation again. "For the last time, the contact wasn't flirting with me. We had to dance to blend in and when he leaned towards me to whisper in my ear...it was to tell me the intel Kaz just had to have."

"And when he tucked that strand of hair behind your ear?"

"He just wanted to sell our cove--"

"Y/n, he kissed your cheek and I'm fairly certain he would have kissed you if Kaz and I hadn't made it to the corridor at that second."

Why is everyone so obsessed with what would have never happened? The contact had been attractive, tall with fair eyes and hair. But it's not like I feel anything for him, nor would I have been so foolish during a job. A fact that Kaz refuses to believe. I'm tired of this argument...I'm just tired. This job required me to start getting ready early in the morning and lasted long into the night.

"I wouldn't have kissed him and even if I had, the fact that Kaz is so mad about feels...sexist." A stupid argument, considering that Kaz couldn't care less if the person he's working with is female, male, or anything in between because the only thing he cares about is profit. "It's a stupid thing to be mad about, but you hit on anything with a pulse at any time and--"

"I resent that--"

"For the first two weeks I was here I thought you might've been a prostitute."

I can feel him holding in a laugh. "Did you at least think I was a good prostitute?" When I glare again, he finally actually laughs. "Not the point--got it."

"Then what is the point? You're bored and obsessed with gossip so now you're shaking me for information you don't need."

"The point is you're oblivious." Rude...I move my leg in a weak attempt to push him off my bed. Jesper catches my ankle easily, ignoring my attempt at a fight. "You thought the contact was only doing his job and you don't know the real reason that Kaz blew up at you for the first time the way he blows up at everyone."

"Okay, well since you know everything, tell me why he's mad."

He lets out a sigh like he can't believe I even needed to ask that. "It's not the best look that the first time you let him pick a fight with you happens to be about some guy."

...Maybe he is drunk? "Don't be so cryptic. I don't like you enough to put up with that."

Jesper half-sighs again before pushing himself off my bed. "I'm going to pretend I think you're smart enough to piece things together from that."

"Asshole," I mumble instinctually as he walks towards my door. "Are you not telling me because I tried to push you off the bed?"

He turns when he reaches my door in order to lean against my door frame. "It's not not because of that." I should throw my book at his head. "In all seriousness, think about it. If you don't you'll either kill each other or kill me."

Ugh...he's so confusing. This time, I let him go. He leaves he door open, which is beyond annoying. I stand up to close it, promising myself I will focus on my book the second it's in my hands again. As I walk back towards my bed, my eyes land on the deck of cards on my nightstand.

Does it send a signal I don't want to send if I don't go the stairwell tonight? Do I want to send a signal? I don't know...actually, the only thing I know is that I don't want to think about this a second longer. I don't ease as I read, but my eyelids become heavier with each word they cross. I feel the weight of them as my focus slips, farther and farther away until I can no longer focus. When my eyes fall shut I can't bring myself to think or force them open.

--

I notice my surprised before I register that I've just woken up. Falling asleep feels so far and yet the crick in my neck confirms the obvious. Rubbing the eyes with the back of my hand, I push my book from my lap and sit up. The only indication of how much time has passed is how much my bedside candle has melted.

How long have I been asleep? How did I manage to fall asleep? I thought I was too mad at Kaz to manage anything but pouting in my room. I hadn't even decided if I wanted to talk to him.

I stand even though I haven't decided anything. I should at least change if I want to go to bed. But is leaving this alone for even longer a bad idea? I think Jesper thought so...though my conversation with him is far from clear. It's not the best look that the first time you let him pick a fight with you happens to be about some guy. I'm going to pretend I think you're smart enough to piece things together from that. What does he want me to do with that?

Maybe he was partially intoxicated and felt the need to play the role of a good friend. Or maybe this is his idea of a joke.

Whatever--regardless of Jesper, I have a choice to make. A tiny part of me hopes it's insignificant, but I know Kaz enough to know that nothing is insignificant to him. He holds onto things the way he holds onto his kruge. Perhaps I'll seek out Inej, she seems to be the best at rationalizing. Though she might be asleep by now, or on a job or...I don't even know.

How late is it? Is it late enough to be one of the few hours Kaz claims to reserve for sleep? Maybe my bad luck is still around and he's already in bed for once. Does that mean his anger will extend to tomorrow?

I shouldn't care. It's not like I'm in the wrong. Did I escalate things? Maybe a little...but I won't apologize for defending myself. Even though that makes everything a little easier. I feel stuck, like in some kind of place of half sleep. A single knock at my door is enough to make me want to jump. I rub my eyes a little more firmly in hopes of waking up more before someone sees me.

I approach the door without worry. Maybe it's not as late as I assumed. Or maybe it's really early? I open the door while still fighting against my slight disorientation. I'm so focused on acting normal, I almost don’t register the person standing at my door. 

I don’t know who I expected, or what--maybe Jesper, much more tipsy than he was before, slumped against the doorframe, only knocking because he’s too tired to push the door open. Maybe even Inej, on her way here to deliver some kind of job or notice of dismissal. But it’s nothing I could expect. It’s...Kaz. 

The Dirtyhands stands at my door, expression as hard as ever yet something behind his eyes that burns the sleep away from me. “Uh--hi.” I bite my tongue to avoid cringing at that very awkward beginning. “Are you here to kick me out yourself?” The only response I get is the slightest shift of his gaze off of my face. “No? Well then I think I’m going to bed. It’s late.” 

My tone and words are clear. Get out of my doorway, I’m in no mood to go back to arguing.  When he still doesn’t say anything, I’m emboldened by my nerves. I push the door between us without breaking eye contact. 

Before the wood can meet the doorframe, he moves his cane, wedging it between us. “Y/n.” I don’t understand the way he says my name, but I’m certain he’s never said it like that. “I...” When he’s not prompted by the uncomfortableness of silence, I raise an eyebrow, my grip on the door tightening. “What I said shouldn’t have been said.” Wait--is he admitting fault? I’m so thrown I almost melt entirely. “Not to you.” 

The addition leaves him so lowly a part of me wonders if I’ve imagined it. I’m so thrown by it I don’t even think to reply until a long second has passed. “You seemed to believe the opposite a few hours ago.” 

His lips press together for a moment. “You didn’t ask me to play cards tonight.” He took that as intentional? At least that got me some kind of apology? I keep my mouth shut, greed making me want more information. I guess he must sense my silent tugging because he head inclines slightly. “Don’t push.” 

I fight down a grin. “Push what?” His only response to stiffen further. “I’m going to tell you something as a peace offering.” That seems to intrigue him in some way. I can’t tell if it’s a good kind of interested, but I note the slight raise of his eyebrows and his intentional silence. “I didn’t chose not to ask you to play cards.” He gives me no indication of anything, which is fair...considering my vagueness. “I was mad, obviously, and in the middle of deciding on a course of action...and then I fell asleep.” 

A long pause of silence. “You fell asleep?” 

I’m not sure if his incredulous tone should offend me or not. If I wanted to lie, I’d like to think he knows me well enough to know that I’d have thought of a better excuse than that. Or at least a less embarrassing one. “Yes, it’s not that difficult to believe. Today had been long and all I wanted to do was read, but then Jesper came in to say the oddest things and then leave me to...” 

Oh--oh. I guess there’s a reason people say to ‘sleep on’ something. Because now, actively remembering Jesper’s words for the first time since I fell asleep...I understand what Jesper was implying in the oddest way possible. He meant that Kaz and I...that perhaps there is a Kaz and I in a context that’s more than just grammatical. Wow. I really had to realize this with Kaz right in front of me. 

My face feels warmer than it did before, an irrational bout of anxiety forcing me to consider that me might be able to read impossible, embarrassing thoughts from my expression alone. 

“What did Jesper say?” I’m too lost in my own spiral of confusion and panic and some feeling I can’t recognize to register how Kaz asks his question. There’s an edge to it, an odd one, but that could easily just be Kaz. 

This is most definitely the last conversation we need to be having. I’m still mad at him for his earlier dramatics. So I just shake my head, feigning an exhaustion I could lose myself in. “Nothing and everything all at once.” I resist the urge to rub my eyes again. “I’m pretty sure he was drinking, and I wasn’t really listening. I was just trying to read.” 

Kaz’s expression hardens briefly as he takes in my words, and then he exhales, nodding once with the breath. “What were you reading?” 

My lips part instinctually, ready to spew off details about the latest novel that’s captured my attention. But before I can let myself take off, the reality of the situation strikes me directly in the chest. This is not Nina, or Inej, or even Jesper after what he considers a ‘good night’. This is Kaz Brekker, the man believed to not have a soul. I’ve spoken to him before about casual things, though most of the nights in which we end up playing cards or just sitting near each other are spent in silence. But he’s never prompted me before. Not in the one topic he knows is guaranteed to turn me into an overenthusiastic, gushing fountain of poor summaries and character analysis. 

I guess this is his peace offering. This shouldn’t warm the way it does. He was still unbelievably dramatic and treated me like I’m some kind of unreliable fool. “It’s late, and you know how I can be. I’d hate to keep you for nothing more than a poor summary and honestly, an embarrassing rant about plot or characters, because there’s just nothing as frustrating as when two people so clearly care about each other and both are too stubborn and oblivious to acknowledge it.” 

Kaz’s eyebrows draw together just enough for me to be able to make out a shift of expression in the poor light. Perhaps his lingering irritation is preparing to rear its ugly head. The corner of his mouth seems to threaten to tilt upwards as Kaz angles his head to the side slightly. “I can’t imagine that position.” 

No kidding. I bite my tongue to keep the sarcastic comment and awkward laugh that would sure follow it away. “Who can? That’s like half the point of reading.” 

How can interaction feel so over and just at its beginning all at once? I press my lips together to avoid filling the silence with things I’d no doubt instantly regret. It’s easy to be mad at Kaz in the moment. Too easy. But to stay mad at him when his temper has passed and he returns with some kind of begrudging and admittedly awkward and uncertain truce is another task entirely. 

“I’ve never understood your attachment to written words.” 

“It’s not about understanding, it’s about everything else.” 

“And you say I’m cryptic.” Is he...kinda almost joking? I straighten my spine, too tired to fight and too wounded to forgive. “There’s understanding in everything, nothing can survive on sentiment alone.” 

“If you read the way I did, you’d understand.” 

His lips press together as his expression remains unwavering in its hardness. “Read to me.” 

...Interacting with Kaz in any way often leaves me feeling like I’m wandering through unknown territory. But this, this is undeniably different. So different I can’t even think of a way to react. I watch his expression as cautiously as possible. He’s purely reserved, no distinction from the look he wears during business propositions. Except there’s a tightness I can’t quite understand.

Maybe it’s because I don’t want to fight anymore. Maybe it’s because exhaustion is leaving me partially delirious. Or maybe it’s the weird feeling in my chest that I can’t quite place. That I don’t want to place. “Okay.” I shift carefully. “If for no other reason then to prove you wrong.” 

Never did I think I’d end up in the position of sitting in my bed, book in hand, with Kaz Brekker sitting next to me. But here we are. I’m so tired, I almost let out a nervous laugh when he first walked in. So brooding and tall, gripping the head of his head cane as he sits at the foot of my bed, on my pastel quilt. 

I’m glad for the excuse to keep my gaze away from him and on the words in front of me. I read out loud, feeling more and more comfortable with each page I finish. But as my inhibitions slip away, so dos my hold on consciousness. My eyelids seem to grow heavier with each word that I read. 

“You’re falling asleep.” 

I straighten my spine on instinct. “Am not.” I’m not sure why I feel the need to deny something so simple. 

“You’re impossible.” 

From him, that statement is laugh worthy. “I’m impossible? Do you not remember earlier today?” 

From the way his jaw locks, I realize that he’s in no mood to be light about this topic. I don’t understand why. It’s not like I’m the one that wronged him. “I remember your lack of focus.” 

Keeping my hands at my side to avoid rubbing my eyes, I frown. “If you want to have this argument again, fine. Jesper is more ‘distracted’ than me half the time and you’re much more lenient on him. It’s not like I was flirting with someone or gambling or doing anything but having a two second conversation. One that I needed to have to get information that you wanted.” 

The last time we fought, I had more energy to restrain myself. This could be atomic. I hold my breath, waiting for Kaz’s retaliation. He exhales, eyes not meeting mine. “Arguing with you when you’re present is exhausting enough. It’s not worth it when you’re half asleep.” 

This angers me further. I hate that he’s right. “I’m not half asleep.” He leaves it at that. I glare even harder at him, slumping further into my bed. “But for the sake of argument, I’ll drop it. Something you’re incapable of doing.” 

At that, his eyes meet mine. I try to hold his gaze, but the harder I think about not seeming tired the more exhaustion slips in. A yawn escapes me before he looks away. Great. “I know when to lie in the grass in wait.” 

Rolling my eyes, I shift back slightly. He’s incapable of being less dramatic than this. Still, I can’t imagine the effort it’s taking on his part to not start an argument. Maybe this is why Jesper spent so long implying that there may be a Kaz and I in any capacity beyond a vague kind of friendship. “I’ll admit you’re tactful.”

“Resourceful people recognize that trait in other people.” 

Blinking twice, I lower my book slightly. Am I truly exhausted, or did he just compliment me in a way? “Careful, I may start to think you find me tolerable.” 

“Let’s not exaggerate.” Okay, now I know I’m exhausted because I think he might have just attempted a joke. Rolling my eyes, I decide not to acknowledge this lightness in fear that I’ll scare it away. “Y/n?” 

I press my lips together, worried about the destruction of our peace. “Yes?” 

“What did Jesper say to you? Earlier?” I pause, slightly unsure why we’re moving backwards. 

We’re in a decent place now, and I’d hate to ruin it. I’m too half asleep to lie eloquently. And it’s not like he’s an easily convinced man. “Oh, he said it so cryptically it took me longer than it should have to understand. And it didn’t help that it was something so...well, you might find it funny. As funny as you find anything, anyways.” Wow...I’ve spent such a long time talking. Rubbing the back of my eyes, I avoid his gaze. Exhaustion and awkwardness mix in my stomach oddly. “It seemed like he was trying to imply that you and I...me and you...” Why is this a difficult thing to say? It’s not like I was implying it and Jesper’s known for his oddness. “I think Jesper was implying that there was a you and I, or at least that there could be.” I’m too lost in a haze of almost sleep to watch his reaction. I let my head rest against my headboard even further. “Isn’t that odd?” 

He’s quiet for a long second, and then he finally speaks again. “Odd, even for Jesper.” The response doesn’t satiate me...what’s that about? I exhale, deciding that feeling is tomorrow’s problem. When I blink, I decide to let my eyes stay closed. Just for a moment. The sound of something shifting is what makes my eyes squint open. Kaz is standing, his expression unreadable as he straightens. “Goodnight, y/n.” 

At that, I sit up slightly, ignoring the exhaustion behind my eyes. “I haven’t finished the chapter.” 

“You’ve convinced me of enough.” A concession? How exhausted do I seem? My lips press together as I think of my next argument. Before I can get it out, Kaz leans forward. He grabs the quilt at the end of my bed and tosses it onto my legs casually. “Goodnight, y/n.” The meaning of his repetition is clear. His word is final. 

I find enough energy to manage a glare, but I pull the quilt over my legs anyways. “Goodnight, Kaz.”