#like it tries really really hard to appeal to young adults/teenagers but it's . painful to listen to sometimes

[wiki-howell]

guess who managed to mention dnp in his a level media exam 🔥🔥

[faustonastring]

Your hcs are so on point! good job op!! could you do a real world hc with the main six playing the arcana? mc being the fictional one, and they caught our reversed ending 😭

Hi! Thanks for requesting I appreciate it! Hopefully this is what you wanted!

Request R open!

Main Six playing the arcana and getting a bad ending!

Also fun fact when I first started playing the arcana stanned asra, hard, and then somehow managed to get his bad ending first, (probably because of my stubbornness) and I never felt more disappointed in my life, so I’m basing these off the pain I felt that one faithfull night.

Asra

He first downloaded the game as a joke, thinking it would be like one of those weird dating simulators (you know the ones) and is pleasntly surprised when he finds out that it isn’t. He’s even more surprised when he starts to get invested in the game, like really invested

He falls in love with your character as soon as he sees it, you’re everything he wants in a relationship, everything he’s dreamed of, he even goes out of his way to buy your charms, and merch, (Muriel makes fun of him for it, but asra feels no shame)

The day finally comes, he’s finally on the last chapter, and he’s almost certain he’s got your good ending, but something feels off. There’s a weird dark undertone that he can’t really shake, but there’s no way he got the reversed ending, he did everything right! Right?

When the reversed ending screen shows up, his heart drops, he goes into a panicked mode trying to figure out where he went wrong, looking up guides and cheats, time traveling to get more keys so he can get a redo, he’ll do anything. Luckily Muriel is there to calm him down and remind him it’s just a game, but that doesn’t stop him from feeling guilty about it, like he did something wrong.

Nadia

Asra somehow managed to convinced her to play it for the story, it catches her off guard when she starts to fall for a fictional character. Very off guard...It takes her a while to admit that she likes your character, so it’s hard to pinpoint where exactly she started to catch feelings, but when she does, finally admit to it, she still tries to push them waaaaay down.

She doesn’t tell anyone, about the game, or about that one character that she really likes, not even Asra, who is the one who got her into this game, everytime he asks how she’s liking it, she’ll simply say “it’s decent” but they both know she’s lying. She’s also too scared to buy merch I case some one were to find it, so she doesn’t but has a deep need too.

She gets very excited when it’s time to get her ending, (a little more excited then she thought she would get,) she’s not too overly confident, she thinks she made one or two wrong choices, but in the end she thinks she made a majority good, right? Right???

Within five minutes of playing the ending, she knows it’s a bad one, there’s no way your LI turning themselves into the devil is a good ending...but then again... she’s not overly disappointed, just a little, shes also not too mad about the bad ending she got.... but all in all she goes back to redo her choices and gets the good eneding. (She found the reverse ending to be more intresting but hey, Beggars can’t be choosers,)

Julian

Portia just wouldn’t shut up about this game, so he decides to give it a go, besides who doesn’t love a cheesy romance story, but then he finds out the story is heavily based on witch craft and Magick and almost deletes the app. Portia some how manages to convince him to keep the app, he falls in love with your character by like the third or fourth chapter.

He thinks your unique, intriguing, he wants to know more about your character so does as much research as he can, and now has a lot of random knowledge about your character. I don’t think he’s the type to buy merch of your character, but he definitely finds it cute.

He’s overalls anxious while playing the game, as soon as it was announced/he found out that there were bad endings, so when it comes time for the ending he is practically sweating, and feels him self on the verge of an anxiety attack for a character of a dating simulator aimed at teenagers and young adults. (Granted Julian should be in his mid thirties atleast)

When he gets your Reversed he feels his heart crush, how could he do this too you, his bad choices got you turned into a damn bird, (or any animal of your choosing) he feels so bad that he catches him self apologizing. Apologizing. He ends up deleting the game because it ended up giving him a lot of stress and anxiety and he can’t mentally go through that again, even if it means getting your upright . (He does go back to get it three months later, because he feels bad and the guilt is eating him alive, then uninstalls it for good.)

Portia

This isn’t her first rodeo. I feel like playing dating simulators is a small guilty pleasure of hers, on the topic she’s lost countless hours of sleep playing mystic messenger, her favorites are yoosung, and jahee, (zen and seven remind her too much of diffrent versions of her brother, jumin grosses her our, and she can’t afford another story.)

She thinks your character is adorable! She falls in love in like the first chapter, you’re just so cute! She most definitely has atleast one charm of you that’s official, the rest of the merch she has of you is from artist from the fandom! (Portia supports small artist the most out of the main six, Asra’s close behind)

She is very confident that she got your upright ending. How could she not? She did every thing the (outdated) guide on Wikipedia said, but when she’s playing your ending something doesn’t feel right...Maybe she read the guide wrong....but those choices felt right....

Gasps, very loudly when she sees the reversed ending screen. She had a feeling, but it still hurt a little bit, it always does, espically when you like a character so much that you go to the wiki to double check your choices. But she tries again anyways and gets your upright ending, (without the wiki) and is very proud of her self

Muriel

Why. He does not see the appeal at all. Why would you dedicate days, weeks, to a fictional character who doesn’t exist and is programmed to fall in love with you. Asra has to bribe him with smoked eel for him to even download it, but when he does indulge in playing it, he starts to see the apeal.

It feels nice to be loved, to be wanted, even if it’s not real, and he likes that about your character, he likes your character a lot. Asra has often caught him smiling stupidly at his phone while he plays the game, he doesn’t like the overly romantic scenes, but the cute cheesy ones are okay. He’s also too ashamed to buy official art, so he draws his own, but doesn’t show it to anyone

Poor man didn’t even know there were bad endings, until asra told him. That’s when things started to go downhill. He went back through the game, replaying old chapters,second guessing his choices, picking the opposite of what he feels is right, because there’s no way what he thinks is right could actually be it, right?

When he gets your reversed ending he feels his heart drop into his stomach, his eyes even start to water, he gets so upset and frustrated that he uninstalls the app, and never reinstalls it. But It’d be bold of you to assume that stops him from drawing fan art.

Lucio

So like, the devs confirmed during one of the “ask the arcana’s” that lucio would be a loud let’s play YouTuber, so It’s bold of you to assume that he wouldn’t play this on his obnoxious YouTube channel because one (1) person requested it on his only fans

He starts out by making fun of the game, very obnoxiously, but suddenly stops making fun of your character, he claims that your character is to “well written” to make fun of, to seem cool, but everyone watching knows that he has a thing for you. His fans even send him official merch or fan art that they made of you’re character because they know how much he likes you. (He keeps all of it but never says thank you)

When it’s time for the endings he is very overly confident, claiming that he knows for a fact that he got the upright ending, that he is 100% sure that he made all the right choices. But in reality he’s just saying that I’m order to convince himself, he’s actually not too sure,

When he gets the reverse ending, he kind of just stares at his phone like a deer In the headlights for a couple seconds, then his twitch stream gets banned from the string of curses he’s letting out because the game is “obviously rigged” and there’s “no way” he deserved to get a bad ending. (He tries to replay the entire route and gets the bad ending again, then just gives up.)

Thanks for reading I hope you liked it!

Next Headcanon: Main six reacting to an Mc with really long hair! (5/19)

Request Are Open! :-)

[gayregis]

I've listened to the part where Geralt talks with a very ill Cahir about Ciri and vengeance... it was one of the most emotional parts of the book by itself but also thanks to your take about the lost innocence of Ciri ! I felt it thrice hard in the feelings! Also, do you have thoughts on the declared love of Cahir for Ciri? Personally I see it as disturbingly romantic, let's say. Thank you for your commitment to the books and sorry to bother you

omg thank you for the ask. first of all i have to say you’re not bothering me!! tbh i have been loving getting asks because it gives me an opportunity to like bring more discussion to the witcher community... 

i feel like although reblogging pretty gifs of characters/landscapes from tw3 and any good fanart i can find is nice, my FAVORITE thing to do is write or read a really long textpost about the witcher books, i really like the discussion aspect of fandoms where people post their reactions and opinions to the content they like, because you get a bunch of shared reactions and differing opinions.

so no this is NOT a bother at all, and its nice especially to get asks about topics that i have strong feelings about but have not made posts about yet, like this one

ok, as for the actual topic: i hate forced heterosexuality, so you KNOW i hate that canon cahiri! it was out of line from sapkowski and imo, it came out of absolutely nowhere in tower of the swallow, it wasn’t something built up to or foreshadowed at all, so it felt not only weird in context but weird for sapkowski as an author.

my main problem with canon cahiri: i think it’s super creepy!

first of all, let’s discuss the age difference. cahir in baptism of fire is estimated to be “not over 25,” which i see as putting him around 20 to 25 years old, and i usually take the median of this which is around 23. while this “not over 25″ comment is said in the context of the hansa to remark upon how young cahir is (i believe it’s thought of by either geralt or dandelion, and geralt is around 60 years old and as a witcher he looks 45, and dandelion is 38 in tower of the swallow), and how cahir is described as a young man in time of contempt to illustrate that he has a sense of innocence to him as ciri cuts him down, his age gap with ciri is super innappropriate for anything to occur between them, since she is 10 or 11 during the massacre of cintra (as stated by geralt in something more), so she would be around 14 at thanedd, and 15-16 during baptism of fire to lady of the lake. so sapkowski deemed it fit to pair a 23 year old man with a 16 year old girl. this isn’t the first time he’s done something like this, what with essi being “not over 18″ and shani also bein around 18 / college age, and yennefer canonically looking around 20. listen, the man has some messed up values when it comes to women’s ages. we have to take it upon ourselves as people who like the not-weird parts of canon to understand how worldviews and personal biases affect one’s writing, and change it for ourselves to make it right so we can continue interacting with it, if we so choose (tldr: retcon some shit when it’s fucked up in canon).

now, before someone argues that “it’s fantasy medieval world, medieval relationships between men and women were just like that,” believe me, i am aware. i study ancient greece/rome and men who were in their 30s were most often paired with women in their teens as part of their arranged marriages. that is how their ancient societies functioned more than 2000 years ago. the issue is that this is a fantasy world, in which societal norms and laws do not have to conform to real-life earth history, and this is the work of a modern writer writing in the 1990s. it’s not “just how the times were,” it’s deliberately choosing to include an age gap like that to be something canonically acceptable by their society/ies.

also, one could argue that the age gap would be fine once they are older, like, when ciri becomes an adult she is already medievally-style betrothed to cahir so they start dating when she’s like 20 and he’s like 27. eh... that’s still an uncomfortable age gap, at least for when they’re in their 20s. people in their older 20s have more life experience than people in their younger 20s. but at least it wouldn’t land cahir in modern-day jail.

it’s still just an uncomfortably large age gap, and if you think about it, it’s even creepier considering that cahir met ciri when she was a helpless child around 10 - 11 and it just makes the bathing scene excruciatingly creepy too if you put it in the context that he eventually would fall in love with her. it even begins to not be about strictly age, but about life experience, development, and power imbalance within the relationship. i mean, he did literally kidnap her.

cahir in tos calls ciri a “woman” when she is like, 15 or 16 (with the rose tattoo) (to anyone reading, please don’t come at me with that “the age of consent is 15 in poland, just because it’s 18 in the US doesn’t mean your laws and culture apply to everyone” ... please do not try and justify this with laws, legality is not morality. only saying this because i’ve seen it in other posts). like.... hm! don’t like that! she is a teenager... he is in his 20s... this should not be occuring.

sorry for the loooong explanation, but every time someone brings up the subject of age gaps on tumblr it turns into crazy discourse with everyone trying to justify it.

but yeah, CANONICALLY cahir would have been 16-21 (median 18) when he met ciri at 10-11, and 20-25 (median 23) when he declares his love for her at 15-16. that’s ... not good ... to put it more into perspective, these are their ages on a traditional school system path: a 18 year old is a high school senior, an 11 year old is a 6th grader. a 23 year old has been out of college for 2 years, a 16 year old is a high school sophomore. ITS NOT GOOD

my other problem with canon cahiri: it’s boring and contradicts sapkowski at his own game.

all of the witcher is about taking fantasy tropes and inverting them, like you can’t have some random peasant kill a dragon, you’d need a professional, and also guess what, the dragon isn’t evil but a dad trying to protect his wife and child.

all of the characters in the hansa (as well as the four main characters of geralt, yennefer, ciri, and dandelion) are inversions of the tropes they represent. for some examples, milva’s trope is something like the hot action girl who only exists to be the only girl in the company and to be sexy eye candy. instead of falling into this, she is actually an action girl, not bothering with sexiness and appeal to the gaze of a male audience but a “get shit done” type, who also dresses and acts “like a man.” regis’ trope is all vampire tropes ever. he/vampires in the witcher doesn’t/don’t fall into any of the traditional european vampire myths like burning in sunlight, needing to drink blood to stay alive, being disdainful of humanity, having aversions to garlic, belonging to a super-secret orderful society that lurks in the shadows and controls everything like puppetmasters, etc... instead, he is the epitome of redemption arcs and overall “goody-goodiness,” understands humanity perfectly and does things out of his good nature. i already talk about regis too much, so i’ll quit it. 

cahir is an inversion of every knight trope ever, particularly the evil knight. he scars ciri’s memory as a night terror, but actually is not ... a bad person. he’s just some guy, pressured by his family and his society to do what he saw as an assignment like a college kid might see their final essay assignment posted on canvas. except you know. the final exam was to kidnap a girl. and he got an F on that and failed the course (ie got thrown in prison). ANYWAYS, cahir is meant to be this inversion of the knight tropes, so WHY, WHY, WHY make him become the knight trope of being the one to romance and to save a hapless princess? if we’ve learned anything about ciri, it’s that she’s the inversion of the princess trope! she KILLS PEOPLE. she ALMOST KILLED CAHIR. she can defend herself and kill for herself, she doesn’t need the knight trope going to protect her! 

heterosexual romance as the Big Reason and Motivation behind all of a character’s actions is tiring, annoying, boring, and not well-thought out. it’s so base and not unique, it doesn’t fit in with everything else about the witcher.

how i would fix it: not make them fall in love.

cahir already HAS a motivation to find ciri and to help her. he needs to APOLOGIZE. he needs to say, hey, i’m sorry i kidnapped you and ruined your life, i made peace with your dad, he doesn’t wanna kill me anymore, i can only hope that you can forgive me too after i SET THINGS RIGHT. 

as opposed to regis’s arc (i swear i am not playing favorites with regis, i just tend to compare and contrast regis and cahir’s redemptions because they are quite different yet they join the hansa side by side so they’re bound to be compared), cahir actually can find the one (not many) people he wronged, and set things right on his own accord, not go forth with a larger mission to assist all humanity, or whatever.

i think cahir also had this WONDERFULLY UNDERUTILIZED anti-imperialist message as part of his character that pains me to see being swept under the rug for some cheap lame romance story. sapkowski already created some anti-war sentiments with the battle of the bridge in baptism of fire, and he tried to create anti-racism sentiments throughout the book/at the end of lady of the lake. anti-imperialism fits with the rest of the saga as a message.

the fact that cahir was instructed by his family to hate the northern kingdoms, despite the fact that they were related to northerners, is really profound as something to happen to a character, and holds a lot of meaning in today’s society. the fact that he broke, finally, after he lost ciri, just completely lost his mind and had to be restrained because he was wailing so hard, because of the pressure that this society put him under to succeed and achieve pride for his family, is such a great example of the tragedies of society. then he speaks out against his leader and is jailed... and yet, after this, he gets to learn from his mistakes and redeem himself as a good person, and his character has developed SO much. he is not doing what his country wants him to do, he is not doing what his family wants him to do. he is doing what he wants to do because it is the RIGHT thing to do. that already is such a powerful message, he doesn’t need anymore character motivation!

so yep that’s my thoughts on why cahir is a good character asides from all that forced romance biz

[adamwatchesmovies]

The Worst of 2019

I had to follow-up my “Best of 2019″ list with its opposite universe counterpart but before I give the movies that made me suffer another lashing, let’s make a couple of things clear. I’m not a paid professional and even if I was, all I would be is a film critic. Making movies is hard. Nobody in the industry aims to do a bad job - there are much easier ways to make a living. Even though I might’ve hated these films with a passion that still smolders now, I’ve got mad respect for anyone who decides to put themselves out there and put together a movie. At the end of the day, your work is going to live on. You made something millions will see. Me? I’ll ultimately fade away. Take this into consideration as we single out the movies that tried and failed, sometimes spectacularly.

10. Cats

Cats is the kind of movie that doesn’t come around often. It’s actually kind of fascinating to watch, or it would be if it weren’t so boring. Rebel Wilson (who was destined to have a movie on this list when she starred in The Hustle) plays a cat who unzips her skin to reveal an outfit… above her skin again? She leads a choreographed troupe of singing mice and cockroaches that fill you with terror and confusion. It’s as if they’ve been scaled so the actors could scoop them up and swallow them whole - as cats would do - but because human proportions are so different from cat’s the objects and other animals they interact with change size from scene to scene. Meanwhile, Idris Elba is prowling around with his coat all open, his non-existent junk exposed to all who want to see. Our main character is so bland and unmemorable she makes no impact on you whatsoever. There’s magic in a plot that’s composed almost entirely of introductions - which might make it accurate to the broadway show but not entertaining as a movie -, dodgy special effects in every frame, lame jokes coming from the left and the right… and yet, I don’t hate this film like I do the others on this list. In fact, a part of me even admires Cats.

The thing is, had this movie worked, it would’ve been hailed as genius. It didn’t so it’s being ridiculed but I have to give it points for its ambition and willingness to take chances. That means a lot in a year in which every single one of the top ten grossing films were sequels, remakes or expansions of already-existing properties.The gamble didn’t pay off, but Cats had the guts to walk up to the plate.

9. Dumbo

I was tempted to lump The Lion King and Aladdin along with this tale of a baby elephant that learns to fly while a family of circus performers learn that the big circus tycoon played by Michael Keaton is a meanie. Few of the Disney “live-action” remakes do anything to validate their existence. They’re just feeding you what you can already watch at home for free because you probably already own the originals on home video or you have Disney+. I’m going to single out Dumbo as the worst because it actually tried something different and failed spectacularly. This means we can expect all future Disney remakes to take as few chances as possible.

8. Jay and Silent Bob Reboot

There are other movies I could’ve put in this spot (see the Runner-Ups section below for examples) but I had to consider the experience as well as the movie itself. Jay and Silent Bob Reboot is an unfunny comedy that walks into the room as if it’s going to marry your mother and be your new father. It makes fun of the very thing it’s doing. This might make it appealing to members of the “View Askewniverse” cult but not to me. Whether you’ve been brainwashed by Kevin Smith or not, it’s impossible to sit through the painful bonus material which follows the film, particularly the interviews conducted by Jason Mewes. The actor displays no charisma whatsoever while asking questions you don’t care about to people who obviously don’t want to be on camera. I get what Smith was doing; he was trying to give his fans more than just the movie but anyone in their right mind should’ve seen the bonus footage and burned it.

4. Dark Phoenix

What a disappointing way to end the X-Men franchise. Dull until the very end and then interesting for just enough time to make you realize you didn’t just dream it all, the movie was a bad idea from the start. We haven’t known the young version of the X-Men long enough for this story to mean anything and the choices made to make this story more faithful to the comics makes you wonder if you stepped into the wrong movie. Even before seeing Dark Phoenix, I thought people were being too harsh on The Last Stand. They did a lot of things wrong in 2006 but they had the good sense to leave out the aliens. It’s not great but it’s been somewhat redeemed since because its plot advanced the series and meant something in the end. Even if Disney had considered keeping this franchise alive while it was acquiring Fox, this is such a mess they now have no choice but to reboot the whole thing.

4. Jexi

Jexi feels like it just escaped from a time capsule. Even when it would’ve been new, it wouldn’t have been funny. This had no business appearing in theatres and watching the trailer again reminded me of why I hated it as much as I did. If you suspect you have mutant powers that just need to be unlocked by a traumatic or life-altering event, barricade your doors and start playing this movie. You’ll want to escape so desperately, you might suddenly develop the ability to bend space and time.

6. Rambo: Last Blood

This 5th entry in the Rambo series didn’t even have the guts to commit to being a proper conclusion. The titular character appears to succumb to his wounds as the picture closes… only to get up and go find medical attention during the end credits. Senselessly gory and violent, its depiction of Mexico leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

5. Shaft

No one was asking for this movie, not even fans of the original Richard Roundtree films or the 2000 Sam Jackson reboot. It tired story attempts to introduce a new version of the classic blaxploitation character to a new audience. In the process, it makes you hate the two “heroes” we follow through a generic plot filled with offensive humor. The only good thing about Shaft is that it prompted me to check out the originals.

3. My People, My Country

The Farewell made me think a lot about how we should view other cultures, particularly China. In it, Awkwafina’s Billi is caught in a moral dilemma when she learns her beloved grandmother is dying and that her family is keeping the secret from sweet Nai Nai. You go in thinking the American-raised woman is going to do the right thing by tearing the charade apart but it’s not long before you realize this scenario isn't that simple. When it comes to My People, My Country, I am going to judge. What’s the moral of this movie again? Give up your life, your dreams, your family for the sake of a country that sees you as nothing more than an expandable pion? If that weren’t bad enough, the movie’s so dull it’ll be an epic struggle to stay awake. Whose idea was it to have an entire segment of this anthology dedicated to the engineers who ensured the mechanism that would raise China’s flag in 1949? It’s as exciting as it sounds.

2. ¡Ay, mi madre!

The worst part of this list is that I know how few people reading will be able to relate. ¡Ay, mi madre! wasn't released theatrically in North America, but movies release “Straight to Netflix” have become such a big deal I’ll make an exception to my usual rule of disqualifying direct-to movies from this list. In terms of filmmaking, this is the worst movie I’ve seen in a long, long time. It’s more technically inept than anything else on this list by far. The comedy is so unfunny it’ll make you question your life, the actors are not convincing even before they open their mouths to speak and the ending might as well be a big middle finger towards the people watching. It ha no ending, almost as if they cobbled together the few salvageable strands of footage someone scooped out of the trash into something vaguely related to “coherent”. Remember the name so you know never to click “play” if you happen upon it like I did.

The Runner-Ups

Simmba

I was deeply offended by this Bollywood film but technically, it’s a 2018 movie so I decided to only include it here. It’s loathsome but admittedly, my hatred for it has somewhat subsided since I saw it. Don’t ask me why. This movie sucks.

Playmobil The Movie

This is what we thought we were going to get when they announced “The Lego Movie”. Terrible songs, a lazy plot that makes terrible use of the property it’s advertising, unfunny jokes, and a lack of imagination guarantee this film is destined to make everyone involved regret the day it was released.

Hellboy

Yet another failed superhero movie that enthusiastically sets itself up for a sequel when it’s so obvious to everyone watching that there isn’t going to be one. The one thing it’s got going for it is a pretty cool scene towards the end where demons escape into our world and begin tearing civilians to pieces. To get to that, you must sit through endless scenes that bash you over the head with a mallet marked “Rated R”. Gallons of blood and intestines spilling onto the floor, doesn’t mean the movie is meant for adults. This was written by a teenager disguised as a grown-up.

Gemini man

They waited all these years for the de-aging technology to get where it is now… for this story? Someone should’ve pointed out to director Ang Lee when he was getting ready to film that training doesn’t alter your DNA. Why waste millions cloning Will Smith when you could just raise a normal kid and train them to be an assassin? Ultimately, the movie isn’t really all that bad. It’s watchable but it’s such a big disappointment it needs to be taught a lesson.

Replicas

I’m giving this one a break because no one saw it. I also think it’ll play better at home, where you’ll be free to make fun of it or verbally abuse the loopy plot aloud while your friends listen. If there’s a movie this year that was “So bad it’s good”, it’s this one.

After

At least “Twilight” had its original take on vampires and some danger mixed into its romantic triangle to keep things theoretically interesting. This film started off as - I kid you not - a “One Direction” fan-fic. The drama it serves up will have you howling like a werewolf flying through laughing gas. On the upside, a sequel is coming. In fact, the teaser is scheduled for today!

1. Unplanned

This was the most uncomfortable movie experience of 2019. Most of the Christian propaganda films don’t seem to put much effort into their production - they’re preaching to the choir so why should they? - but 2019 had Breakthrough, which was quite good. It showed these movies don’t have to appeal solely to the churches who will buy tickets en-masse. This movie is ridiculous, gory like a horror film, misleading, and phony. It did have what is undoubtedly the most outrageous and unintentionally funny dialogue of the year, however. “Fast food outlets look to break even on the hamburgers they sell. That’s all they do is break even ... Do you know where they make all their money? The french fries and soda. Low cost, high margin items. Abortion is our fries-and-soda.” Are we sure this was based on a true story? If so, I don’t know why the director decided to edit out the scenes in which Cheryl (Robia Scott) takes the buckets of aborted fetuses home to cook them. I think it would’ve really driven home how evil her character is. I felt dirty sitting in the theater next to people who ate this up.

[destroyyourbinder]

the girls not like other girls / coming home

One thing a lot of detransitioned and reconciling women have noted is that the only female-centric space they were permitted to have or felt comfortable in was a trans-specific one (i.e. a support group for transmasculine people) and I think this is extremely important to note, whether you are a female person who is trans-identified or an outsider to this whole experience.

As a child, I felt extremely alienated from straight-girl spaces and girl-socializing, even though I had no understanding of myself as a gay kid or as being attracted to women (even though I can see that I was attracted to other girls in retrospect) or even as particularly gender non-conforming. I figured I was "not like other girls", but I had only a crude understanding of this. I was not allowed to express my non-conformity through my appearance-- my mother forced me to wear my hair long and to wear typical girl's clothes, and I was only allowed a certain amount of token resistance before relatively severe abuse kicked in-- so I had little to appeal to in my young brain to explain why I was ostracized from girl groups or why I felt an affinity for boys or fellow strange girls.

I can see now as an adult that there was quite a lot at play: I was awkward and weird in general and had trouble making friends with kids for many reasons, especially with socially astute children who were beginning to learn about and focus on social hierarchy. I found socializing overstimulating and scary in general, and did not want to socialize in a way that involved testing social boundaries and exchanging social information, although I did enjoy the company of my friends. I preferred socializing alongside other children while we had a shared goal, like playing a game of some sort or building a structure. Because a lot of toys and activities intended to inculcate femininity in girl-children are intended to facilitate the former kind of socializing-- such as a jewelry game where girls display how well they can dress themselves according to status-rules and monitor each other's standing, or a kitchen playset where girls are intended to mimic not just making meals but making meals for family members-- I had very little interest in activities designated for girls. I also had a complicated relationship to boy children, where I often thought they were full of shit, boring, and little assholes, but since they were the only ones engaged in things I wanted to do (like jump off the swings) I had to interact with them. I sought out their company and input because even at a very young age I knew male attention and opinions were considered more legitimate, and I figured I could maybe be taken seriously if I spent time with the people who were, well, taken seriously. Maybe they would even approve of me, maybe I could even be better than them. Boy children have intense social structures as well, and they are complicated in their own right; I think some women who prefer or once preferred the company of boys/men like to say their socializing is "simpler" or "easier" or "without drama", but I don't actually think this is true. I think it's easy to forget when socializing with boys or men as a female person that you are not considered the same sort of being as them, and so the fact that it may be easier to interact with boys or men is not a property of men or male socializing in general, but the fact that you are only interacting with a truncated form of their socializing, since you are "only" a girl or woman interfacing with the male world. What I found to be true is that it was sometimes simpler as a female child to interact with boys given that you have no real social position with them-- you have avoided the hierarchy simply by not having the standing to enter one. Boys do not really know how to treat you if you are not readily submitting to a girl role and not easily sexualizable; you sort of fall between the cracks, which can be preferable to being the shittiest girl in a group of girls. I found I was not really at the "bottom" (boys never took me seriously enough to even consider me a true failure) but I could never enter their social structure no matter how hard I tried to play by their rules. I tried to make it clear I had standing with boys through competing with them and trying to outperform them at their own games. Prior to puberty, I tried to compete with boys physically, whether it was by playing bloody knuckles, doing backflips off of the playground equipment, holding races, or doing one-armed pullups. When this no longer worked, I switched primarily to competing with boys and men in intellectual domains, and invested a lot of my self-worth in how good I was compared to boys and men in traditionally male intellectual pursuits like math or logical reasoning, or by competing with the men interested in less masculine areas (but who were still considered the most serious and worthy contenders) like fine arts or writing. I maintained this mentality until I was in my early twenties. I can't say it was a good look.

While I did have some female friends as a child and adolescent, I found it very hard to maintain these friendships, even with other weird girls. There is something inherently anti-supportive and destructive about a friendship with another girl based on how much not-like-the-other-girls you are. I found myself insecure and paranoid that my weird girl friends thought I was too "normal" or too "preppy" or too "girly" for them, that the criticisms and frustrations and vitriol they leveled at girls who ostracized them or who tried to coerce them into femininity work they didn't want to do or who simply made them feel bad were also things that applied to me. I found myself frustrated, too, at my friends for "betraying me" by buying into things or behaving in ways that escalated my insecurity that I was somehow actually, truly inferior for being a girl, and one who couldn't even girl right at that. We were all caught in a bind where we believed both that girls were stupid, but also that we were freaks for personally resisting what we thought was stupid about girls. I can now recognize this as the classic psychology of oppressed people, born of continual abuse by hierarchical superiors and horizontal hostility between people frantically attempting to avoid this abuse and make sense of their situation in a way that allows them to survive it without summoning punishment for resistance. Grooming girls, particularly those prone to be resistant to patriarchy, into this psychology is convenient: it prevents them from recognizing what is really going on and from having solidarity with and compassion for each other. Instead of fighting who was hurting us, we were occupied with fighting each other over who was too obsessed with boys and who was trying too hard to be cool. The trick about this thinking was this: it wasn't that Christina *wasn't* too obsessed with boys. She was, and it was hurting her directly, as well as damaging her long-term development into a woman with a strong sense of dignity and personal agency, and it meant she was willing to damage her friendships for the sake of a dipshit who would dump her in two weeks. We just took the situation as a personal affront to our insecurities about it being proved Cosmically True that girls were stupid sluts, rather than digging deep and giving a shit about Christina and putting the blame where it belonged: the teenage boy four years older than her. Ironically, the straight girly-types were in some ways more successful in resisting patriarchal pressures than we were: at least they had each others’ backs when they complained about boys with each other, at least they were able to share strategies for mitigating the worst of the misogyny they faced. We were left in the cold.

Bizarrely, when I started interacting with other female people who were basically the same Weird Girls, but who didn't call themselves such, those who framed their issues as a gender identity or gender dysphoria problem rather than in the misogynistic way I had framed it in my childhood, I got along much better with them and felt much more understood. It was partially this feeling, that of finally understanding other female people, not being severely ostracized, and having the relief of not being so paranoid of other female people that I was alienating them pre-emptively, that convinced me that my experiences were transgender experiences rather than "just" “regular girl” experiences. Because misogyny had been removed from the table almost entirely-- both in the sense that we were all female people together and that we were not framing all of our experiences, including with other female people, through a lens of potential sexist violations of our humanity-- I felt like I could relax for once in my life. I was no longer obsessive about policing myself and the female people around me. With no male people around, and no longer worried about whether my feelings and reactions had anything to do with my inherent inferiority or not, I was no longer afraid of what my interactions with others indicated about who I really was. Of course, if you stay in transgender community long enough, a lot of these anxieties will resurface in your thoughts and in social hierarchy. Who hasn't seen a literal dick-measuring contest on an FTM message board or trans men accusing other trans men of being "trenders"? But by then, you are no longer permitted to name what's going on, nor have an inkling of where it comes from. Because being transgender has nothing to do with sexism, it's just a medical condition. Or an identity. And men aren’t catty, they don't do that sort of social thing anyway... right?

Sometimes this is what I think people mean when they say discovering they are transgender is like "coming home". It's like taking your shoes off or sliding into bed. It's relief, a relaxation of something painful, annoying, constricting. But turns out I never knew a comfortable home, so I was easily able to feel at home in a home where I was afraid, confused, and never quite clear what was going on. Was I a trender or was the guy shouting about trenders a trender? Did I really belong with these other female people or was I a faker, a poser, a loser here, too? Did I have to believe that misandry was real and defend cis men's behavior to protect myself, or did I have to flagellate myself for having the "privilege" of failing to be feminine enough?

Sound familiar yet?

When detransitioned and reconciling women discuss how having relationships with other women is healing, this is a large part of what they mean. They mean both the good relationships-- healing, genuinely supportive female friendships-- and finally getting a radically honest perspective on bad relationships, too. I had to pop out of understanding myself as "not a girl" or "not a woman" to even acknowledge that I was having classic girl-girl, woman-woman, female-female dynamics in my relationships, nonetheless see how this dynamic played a role in my disidentification and general life course. I could not see that I held responsibility for how I behaved in these relationships, nor have compassion for both other women and myself, until I was able to first see that I was not a separate type of being from the girls for whom I once held contempt. I don't think disidentified and/or trans-identified female people are much different from female people who recognize themselves as women for this reason: female people who call themselves such still separate themselves into "bad women" and "good women", women who get into trouble and women who don't, women who sacrifice their own selfhood and the women who hold onto something. There are whores and madonnas, but also there's prudes and girls who actually put out; wives who take care of their husbands and wives who need to shape up and the wives who need a life; the boy crazy girls or the sad old cougars, the women who settled down, and independent women who have some self-respect; there's women who know how to do their face and hair, and women who don't take care of themselves, but there's the women who try too hard and they look like clowns, you know.

I catch myself doing this, even still, but I know we're all doing it, and I know why. I know I'm not not-a-woman for being insecure about how much femininity I've internalized-- that's universal-- I'm just one of the women who erred on the side of judging myself for giving up my self rather than judging myself most harshly for whether or not I stayed out of trouble.

[lifestones]

Episode #01: The Last Days of Childhood

Characters: Red Pendragon, Innes Lennox, Basile Pendragon

POV: Red Pendragon

Warnings: Exploration of Red’s childhood, the forcing of young girls to grow up to fast, sexuality, and sex, along with mentions of incest, sexual abuse, and teen pregnancy. Red has a really dark backstory I’m sorry

Everyone dreaded that day in school—the day they had no choice but to skip gym. The class was split between the boys and girls, each going to a separate classroom. Ellie remembered being confused, wondering what that whole thing was about. That day, they learned about puberty... about menstruation and pregnancy. It was terrifying, really, to learn that they had that to look forward to in the future. Serena had been grossed out, Innes a little worried, but for Ellie, it gave her answers. 

Not long after their first sex ed class, it came. It was spring break, and the Lennoxes had invited the Pendragons and Proulx family over for a barbecue. Already, puberty had been kind—or not so kind, depending on perspective—to Ellie. She already wore a training bra, much to Innes’s jealousy, though Serena was indifferent about the whole thing. Nevertheless it was a surprise when she went to the bathroom and found brown blood on the inside of her underwear. Despite the lessons, she panicked, trying to hide it from her mother, until she eventually found out. Diana was not surprised that it had arrived so soon, and tried to console her daughter. “You have a woman’s body now,” she said. “If you have sex, you’ll get pregnant. Be careful, sweetie.”

A woman, Ellie thought. Something about it was enthralling and terrifying at the same time. What did it even mean? That she could finally be more like Mom? She admired her mother so much—for her beauty, for her talent, for her success. It wasn’t long before she started asking for makeup, cute training bras, and trying to dress more mature.

It only got worse when she turned eleven. Puberty hit her hard. She was an early bloomer, surpassing her friends. She was already a B-cup, an awkward mix of gangly limbs and curves that no eleven-year-old should have. She quickly grew self-conscious, comparing herself to teenagers and even the actresses her mother worked with. It wasn’t long before she became curious about adult things—such as where babies came from and how sex worked. Dial up internet was a pain in the butt, but she persevered, venturing onto areas of the web no child should see. It was in that way that she learned about sex, about how women were only meant to exist to please men, and how her value came only from her sex appeal. 

For years, she had crushed on girls, admitted to liking girls, and suddenly she was unsure of herself—if it was possible, that she wasn’t mistaking it for friendship. No, she needed to like boys. That was normal. Right?

Twelve years old marked the beginning of middle school, the beginning of a new era. Ellie tried to dress like older girls, like the teenager she would be in a year. She was still scrawny, but was starting to fill out—or so she liked to think. She dolled herself up, putting on makeup (which she practiced with Innes), shaving her legs, and wearing shorts that rode up her thighs, no matter how much her parents tried to convince her otherwise. She refused to wear anything else. No, she had an image to uphold. She had to look sexy. 

Serena bragged of getting her first kiss. Oh, she was so jealous. Why couldn’t someone kiss her? Innes suggested they practice on each other, so when they finally found boys to kiss, they’d be really good at it. Ellie agreed. It was awkward. They fumbled. But it felt... good.  

Seventh grade came in a flash. Ellie hit another growth spurt. The curves came as soon as she hit thirteen, pushing her up to a C-cup. Her hips finally filled out, her thighs grew thicker. She was sexy now, right? Her periods were getting worse, for whatever reason, but Mom didn’t want to put her on birth control. That was only for sluts, wasn’t it? Ellie wasn’t a slut. She was good. She was getting into less trouble at school now. More boys liked her. It was fine.

Then, one day, they had a sleepover at the Pendragon mansion. Serena couldn’t come due to some family event, but Innes came. The house was mostly empty. Mom and Dad were out at a party, with only Mamoru and the maids present. But that was okay. They liked having the whole place to themselves. But Innes had been acting odd for a few days, so Ellie decided to finally ask what was wrong.

Innes evaded the question. She tried to not answer it. But finally, she caved. She hated lying to her best friend, after all. “I... had my first kiss,” she confessed, her freckled cheeks flushing as bright as her hair. “With... with a girl. But it... didn’t feel the same... like when I kissed you.”

Ellie was confused. That wasn’t how it worked. They had just bee practicing. For boys. It was true she had felt... something during those times. Innes was her best friend. She couldn’t possibly have feelings for her. But Innes continued on, confessing her feelings to Ellie, admitting that she had had a crush on her for years now. That she thought she liked both boys and girls. That she wanted to do more than kiss. 

Ellie had to admit, the thought of kissing girls... of doing other things with girls, was more appealing than guys. She had gotten enough dick pics to be sure she was absolutely repulsed by male anatomy. And Innes... meant a lot to her. Maybe her feelings weren’t platonic like she thought. It was true that she might have enjoyed their kissing practice too much—that she might have put in more effort than necessary. But if Elysia Pendragon was one thing, she was impulsive. And so she kissed Innes.

Neither girl really knew what they were doing. They had read things about how sex between girls worked, but actually doing it was another thing entirely. It was awkward. It hurt a little. But Ellie didn’t really care about that. Making love to Innes felt right, answered all the questions she had been avoiding about herself, and she knew then she liked girls, and only girls. They decided to date, but kept it a secret, afraid of coming out to their families.  

Then Dad died. 

It was horrible. In the blink of an eye, her entire life crumbled. The months went by in a blur. Uncle Basile stayed to help Mom with Clarisse and manage the household. Ellie cried herself to sleep many nights. Mom was distant. Clarisse didn’t fully grasp what had happened. Ellie grew distant to her girlfriend and friends. They tried to be supportive, but she didn’t make it easy. 

One day, shortly after her fourteenth birthday, she was working on homework but struggling with it. Math was not her strong point. So Ellie sought out her uncle for help. He agreed to help, and sat down to work on her homework with her. All was fine... until he touched her. It was innocent enough at first—a hand resting on her knee. But then he slid his hand up her thigh, underneath her skirt. It shocked Ellie, scared her even, but what could she do? 

And it only escalated from there.

It started late one night. Ellie had wanted to sleep over at Serena’s, but Mom refused and ordered her home, leading to an argument. She reluctantly came home, to be greeted by her uncle, who claimed Mom had already headed to bed. When she tried to walk by him, he grabbed her by the wrist. She tried to pull herself free, but he was too strong. He was too strong.

It happened almost every night after that. Eventually, she stopped fighting it. She tried to enjoy it. Everything about it felt wrong. It was everything she had read about. But she was powerless. She tried to tell her mother, but she was called a liar. She accepted it after that. And she grew addicted to his love, his sweet whispers of promise. She needed him, as much as he needed her. They were in love, weren’t they? She was what he wanted—she was sexy. This was what love was supposed to be, not the falsehood she had with Innes. 

She broke up with Innes, completely cutting off ties with her old friends.

Ellie turned 15. She met Charlotte. The other girl didn’t seem so bad. Perhaps it would be nice to have a friend in school again. 

But then... her period was late. Terrified, she asked Charlotte to go with her to buy a pregnancy test. Charlotte spent the night at the mansion, too. She took the test, and it came back positive. 

Ellie hadn’t been this scared in years. What was she supposed to do? She couldn’t have his baby. It was... wrong. So very wrong. How wrong it was didn’t truly sink in until that moment. Basile was her uncle, her father’s brother. How could he love her? How could she love him? In that way? How could any of that be true? After everything he had done to her, the nights of pain, taking advantage of her grief.

She hated herself. She hated her body. She hated everything. She had to escape. She couldn’t live like this anymore. Mom and Clarisse would be better off without her, wouldn’t they? She had only ever caused them trouble. 

They made a plan. First, they would go the Plan Parenthood for Ellie to get an abortion, to free herself. And then they would run. Oh, they would run. And they would never come back.

Their days of childhood would never come back.

[idle-flower]

Dear Yuletide Author - 2020

Thank you for your time and attention, and I hope your wishes are granted this holiday season!

Likes:

I prefer plot and angst and adventure to fluff, though a nice warm fluffy scene can make a good dessert at the end of the pain and suffering. I lean more to f/f and m/f than m/m. I enjoy forbidden relationships. I love exploring the 'what if' spinoffs of a small change in a canon. I swoon for lovers who take dramatic risks to protect their loved ones.

I also enjoy detailed description of clothing/furniture/jewelry/pretty things in general. Not just heaping up brand names, but sensory detail.

Dislikes:

Please avoid sweeping tropey AUs like 'what if noir' or 'what if everyone was in high school'. I'm REALLY picky about comedy so it's probably not a good idea to go for wacky funny stuff. No excited rambling about pregnancy or babies. (Older kids are okay.) While I am okay with pretty dark stuff, please don't gorily torture characters to death on screen. If people gotta die, limit the details! I am generally not keen on crossovers. I dislike PWP unless it is exceedingly hot smut (see below).

Smut:

I don't require it, but I do read a good bit of filthy porn.

Kinks I find interesting: mild bdsm, pain mixed with pleasure, dubcon, sibling or cousin incest, strap-ons, futanari and other magical appendages, teasing, teenagers, drugs/magic with interesting effects, people making terrible decisions due to being emotionally overwrought or really really horny

SMUTTY DO NOT WANTS: 

rape or painful sex that one party is not enjoying at all, inserting anything edible (licking off boobs is okay), aggressive face-fucking, choking, degradation, scat/watersports, bukkake, parental incest, anyone younger than teen, emphasis on 'virgin blood' (some writers make it a huge deal with tearing pain and fountains of blood, please don't).

-

Wayward Children

Jill Wolcott

Down Among The Sticks And Bones is my absolute favorite of this series. I love both Jack and Jill, but everybody loves Jack. Let's talk about Jill. Let's talk about a hungry girl who wanted things, fiercely, who wanted to be pretty and special and loved, and who was left behind by a sister who chose to save herself and never look back. A girl who was deliberately cut off from friendship by the father-master who made himself her only source of love.

What if Jack and Jill maintained more contact during those formative years in the Moors, meeting in secret and trying (and probably failing) to rekindle their bond and to convince each other to appreciate their choices? What if Jill softened, and her certainty faltered?

What if both Jack and Jill had grown up without disruption in the Moors, becoming a vampire and a mad scientist, in balance and at odds? How would they interact and conflict as adults?

What happened with Jill and her friends, the ones she played with around the fountain before the Master killed them? Who were they? What did she think happened to them, and how did she react? Did they ALL die, or just enough to scare the other villagers into shunning Jill? How did she deal with the rejection?

What if she'd chosen some other method of being ruthless? Captured Alexis and locked her in the dungeons to be a plaything? Or some other village child, kept in secret, to be her pet and her 'friend'? Or perhaps captured people and brought them to her 'father' as offerings for his appetite, to prove herself?

What were days like, living with her Master? (And yes that could get kinky or creepy)

What went through her mind during EHAD? What triggered her to start her plan? Did she consider that she was behaving more like a mad scientist than a vampire princess? What did she think about Jack? Did she plan to kill Jack eventually? If Jack had abandoned Jill at the school and opened her door home alone, might Jill have succeeded in creating a key and come seeking vengeance?

Disregarding Come Tumbling Down, what else might have happened to Jill after her resurrection? If the Master rejected her, might she have gone in search of even darker powers? Do rules normally govern the fate of failed apprentices? (After all, Mary's still alive despite rejecting the Master, but apparently bound to serve him.)

Basically I'm open to a TON of ideas here but I want to stick with stories from the first two books and leave out what happened later. Bring on the angst. Let Jill suffer in tragedies of her own making, but give her sympathy as well. Maybe she’s redeemed! ... Maybe not.

VIOLENCE: I'm okay with murder and blood and torture in this canon, just try to make it more poetic than gross. You can imply she broke someone's fingers with snaps and screams, but I don't need descriptions of what somebody's kidneys look like. 

TRAGEDY: You can cut my heart out on this one if you want to. Any character can die, including Jill. I don’t require either a happy or a sad ending, but I might enjoy the tension of having no idea which way it’s going to turn out. 

IF YOU WANT TO WRITE SMUT: Jill/Jack, Jill/Master, Jill/Mary, Jill/Some random villager, these are all fine. Jill/Alexis is better as a horror element than as a smut one, I don't want to read sex if one party isn't at least reluctantly enjoying it.

DNW: Jill/Kade.

-

Poison Ivy (1992 film)

Sylvie Cooper, Ivy

I was struggling through the confusions of puberty, Ivy was hot, this film left an impression on me. In a way it's perfect as it is, and trying to build any sort of happy ending for Ivy feels out of place, but on the other hand there's a lot of loose ends left after the story.

Throughout the film, there's a lot the audience never knows about Ivy, including her legal name. Did Coop know it? (Maybe, probably.) Did her father? (Quite possibly not). How do they handle all the legal responsibilities of her death? Were Ivy's stories about the aunt she was staying with true? How do they break the news?  How does her funeral go?  

What do Sylvie and her father have to say to each other about Ivy after the truth comes out? Does he admit everything that he did? How does he handle the guilt? How do they rebuild their relationship?

What is school like, afterwards? What rumors escape? How does Coop handle them?

Or - what if Ivy survives the fall? Seriously injured, possibly paralysed, but alive? How do they deal with her, once the truth comes out? Do they cover up her crimes? Do they keep her in their home? What happens to their relationships?

For AUs, what would have happened if Ivy had met Coop when they were several years younger, so she couldn't get her hooks into Darryl as easily? What if they met at summer camp and Ivy was just as messed-up and needy but the situations were different? What if the movie plot is actually a fantasy younger-Ivy spins about her future to her fascinated-and-appalled friend, who then has a chance to react to it?

IF YOU WANT TO WRITE SMUT: I'm fine with Sylvie/Ivy, I'm okay with Darryl/Ivy but I would rather he not be the focus of the story (Sylvie catching them having sex has possibilities, or Ivy thinking about Sylvie while seducing Darryl)

DNW: Anyone other than Ivy to die, Ivy to marry Darryl

-

Xanth - Piers Anthony

Jenny Elf, Gwendolyn Goblin

I have an ulterior motive, I badly want to insert some gayness into Xanth after the author has tried so hard to make it impossible, even allegedly threatening magical straightjackets to cure homosexuality. And it is difficult to think of a good f/f pairing because female characters in Xanth are almost completely obsessed with flashing their panties and attracting men. Almost the only good female friendship actually on-page (as opposed to a vague comment that Ivy and Nada used to hang out) is Jenny/Gwenny, who are best friends.

The events of The Color Of Her Panties even provide some possible groundwork to build on. They've been raised together in the care of centaurs who have different views on morality/sexuality than humans do. They're forced to think about sex and be inducted into the Adult Conspiracy together. Gwenny's new contacts mean that she starts seeing other people's sexual fantasies (and Jenny does too, for a while). They're bound to have some good girly gossip on the subject at some point, talking about what all these weirdoes are into and trying to figure out what the appeal is! Or some simple "ugh boys are gross, especially goblin boys" that leads to pushing them closer together. (Well, Che is quite different from the goblin boys, and I'm not totally opposed to including him, but my ulterior motive makes me more interested in Jenny/Gwenny as a couple than all of them as an OT3.)

Straightforward romance: Gwenny relies on Jenny to cheer her up and help her relax from her duties. Romance blossoms! Simple.

Silly fluff: Gwenny and Jenny visit the Pantry, try on tons of lingerie together, have a ridiculous slumber party and pillow fight, end up snogging... maybe they even accidentally found Dolph and Electra's honeymoon chamber.

For a slightly more dramatic plot, Gwenny's bound to feel like she has to marry and have a child because goblins have hereditary rulership. She also knows all the good and bad sides of that - she would never have come to power without those rules, but those rules also made her bastard half-brother a threat when he would have been a terrible leader. And she knows that true family is what you choose, not just an accident of birth. Will she decide that she has to have a husband? Will she decide that she cannot have a husband, who might threaten her power, but must give birth to a child for the succession? (And hey, magic can be involved, she can TOTALLY find a way to summon the stork with Jenny somehow) Or what about adoption?

If you smut it, I don't care if they're still as young as they were in TCOHP (but no younger). I'm also fine with them being older. I would rather not do any temporary sex-change because that defeats my ulterior motive, but weird uses for Xanth-style magic stuff could be entertaining.

If the real-world implications of Jenny Elf bother you, I'll settle for Ivy/Nada, but that's going to need a lot more imagination to get a satisfying story out of it. How does their friendship develop between Isle of View and Man from Mundania, other than gossipping about their respective brothers? Do they have any adventures? How does Ivy cope with Nada's occasional self-destructive tendencies? How does Electra fit into their group?

DNW: Tragic endings, any references to canon post The Color Of Her Panties

-

My Little Pony Megan, Wind Whistler

Wind Whistler needs more love. I will be perfectly content with any fantasy adventure story featuring the G1 / MLP&Friends characters facing dramatic fantasy peril and saving the day with some help from Wind Whistler's brains. I loved Tambelon and Midnight Castle and The End Of Flutter Valley and all sorts of mystical threats, so throw some big old magical doom at me. I don't really want any permanent harm to come to anyone, it feels out of tone for a show adventure, but you can tie Megan up and have her suspended over certain death and rescued at the last minute by Wind Whistler swooping in or whatever.

Please avoid any references to Friendship is Magic locations/characters/etc, I actually haven't watched it and will just be confused.

Now, if you want to cater to my weird midnight thoughts...

Megan and Wind Whistler were close. Very close. And ponies having crushes on human-shaped people was canon. And Wind Whistler is not always good at dealing with her heart. Imagine the angst potential of these two developing feelings for each other. How do they cope? Do they maintain a romantic friendship while supporting each other in other relationships? Do they remain together, chastely bonded, all their lives? What if Wind Whistler found a way to take human form? How would she cope with giving up her wings for Megan? (Could be a bit of a Little Mermaid plotline there).

Given the in-cartoon existence of Mama and Baby versions of the same pony, and no Papa pony ever, suggesting you can have identical offspring with no father needed, do ponies actually reproduce through some sort of magical stork/cabbage-patch scenario? And if so, could weird pony hybrids start showing up if the ponies socialise too much with other creatures?

SMUT: Only if Wind Whistler takes on human form, and only as a small element of the story, that's really not what I'm here for with this request. (But being able to take on human form only once and having only one night together would hit my taste for angst.)

DNW: Sex involving ponies, canon-atypical violence/injuries/death.

[wanderingthroughwickford]

7, 12, 45, 78, 111, for the numbers ask!

Thanks, anon! :D

120 Nancy Drew Questions Ask

7. Do you read Nancy Drew FanFiction?

Not all that often. I’ve written a little bit myself, I had this whole Hunger Games AU fic planned out at one point, but I don’t really read much beyond short drabbles. I remember going through the FanFiction.net archive as far back as, say, 2007/8ish, but all they really had were AEs that I wasn’t really interested in. Since I joined the Clue Crew fandom here, I’ve read a bit more, but most of the fics focus on romance, which, again, isn’t all that big a draw for me, especially in ND where I don’t have many ships I’m passionate about.

Though I have read some good things. now that I think about it. One of my close online friends who unfortunately deactivated here (erroneous-luka) had some great oneshots, and just last summer I read and faved a really good Katie/Jenna fic on A03. I tend to prefer fics about side characters (those who only appear in one game) than those about the main gang. 

12. What’s your favorite Nancy Drew book series? Why?

I mean … I guess the originals? Like the yellow-back ones from the 50s (which I’m aware aren’t the *originals* but I’ve never actually read those). I admit, they’re not really that well-written, and the stereotypes found in them can be really off-putting. I’m more attached to them for the nostalgia value than anything else, to be honest. But on the other hand, I haven’t read that many of the newer books, just a couple here and there that the games are based off of, like Message in a Haunted Mansion, Secret of the Scarlet Hand, and Treasure in the Royal Tower. 

45. Who’s your least favorite character in Danger on Deception Island?

Lol for some reason I just … felt like I was going to get this question? I remember scrolling through the list and thinking “I bet I’m going to get least favorite DDI character, for some reason.” Maybe it’s because I reblog a lot of DDI stuff, idk. (To be fair it’s one of my favorite games.)

Mmmm well I guess I should say Andy since he’s the villain, but you know what? I find him kind of entertaining. “Whales rule” and all that. So I’m going to go with Holt. I saw a post a little while ago like “he probably voted for Trump” and you know what? I can’t argue with that. He just seems like the kind of person who’d sit around and grumble about millennials and how much better things were in “the good old days” and how smartphones and selfies are ruining society. Plus, having Nancy arrested for bringing him the wrong gender of crab, when he specifically made her go get one? Seriously? 

78. Who’s your favorite character in Tomb of the Lost Queen? Why?

Hmm well I haven’t actually played it, per se, just watched my mom play it here and there. But I guess Jamilia seems pretty cool. It’s great that HER put in a Muslim woman who wears a hijab (at least I think that’s what it is, correct me if it’s the wrong term) and not only isn’t the villain, but is smart, educated, and independent. I only know vaguely about her backstory with this … secret order of women protecting the tomb, or something? but that seems cool. Plus, I really like the name Jamilia. So I’m going with her. 

111. Are you upset with Her Interactive for taking longer on this game than the other ones?

Ohhh boy, the inevitable MID question. I mean, like … I’ve largely tried to stay out of it but at this point I don’t even know what to feel anymore. But I’ll try to sum it up (without stepping on too many toes). And this is reaally reaallly long so feel free to skip it lol.

I’m not really all that displeased on a personal level because I still have so many games to catch up on (TMB, SPY, MED, LIE, SEA) and I get pretty much endless fun out of replaying the previous games, so if MID was potentially to never come out and we were never to get any more Nancy Drew games…? It would suck, yes. It’d be sad, in an ‘end of an era’ sort of way. But I’d be all right. Everything has to come to an end, and we’ve had a really good run. 1998-2015, for a female-led point-and-click PC game series? That’s pretty impressive. 

And, to be honest, I went through a low period back in the early 2010s when I thought I was never going to be able to play a lot of my Nancy Drews again because they wouldn’t work on more modern computers - but now that I know you can buy them on Steam and that there are ways of making older games work on modern computers and such, I know that I don’t have to worry about losing them anymore. As long as I can hold on to the ones I already have, I’ll be fine. There’s a question I’ve heard posed that’s like “If you had to choose between losing all your old memories and never being able to make new ones, what would you do?” and personally I’d definitely go with keeping all my old memories. That’s just who I am.

BUT - this is a big but - that’s all 100% personal. As in, if I was the only person in the Clue Crew, that’s how I’d look at the situation. But I know it’s not all just about me - I know there are lots of fans out there, be they young kids just getting into the series or veteran fans longing for more, who will be massively disappointed, even heartbroken, if MID does not come out. So that’s where my feelings of discontentment come into play, not necessarily for myself, but for the fandom in general. When I entered the Clue Crew in 2014, it was vibrant and thriving and I was amazed to find so many like-minded people who weren’t homeschooled 13-year-olds on the HER Boards. Now … the fandom’s really suffering, and we all know that. A lot of really popular blogs have shut down or just aren’t posting anymore. There’s been a lull in content because, really, how many new jokes or insightful posts can be made when there hasn’t been new content in 2 years? It’s saddening to see that happen, because even with the drama that has sometimes occurred, I really do love the Clue Crew. 

But here’s the thing - I don’t really want to lay the blame at anyone’s feet. I just don’t feel I’m educated enough on the situation to start pointing fingers. I know HER putting all their money/advertising towards new projects and constantly brushing off any questions about MID is annoying, but I don’t feel  can criticize them, because I don’t know the first thing about making video games or running a company. I’m embarrassed by their painful attempts to capture an older demographic by posting forced unfunny memes on their Facebook page, but at the same time … isn’t that sort of inevitable when a company run by adults attempts to appeal to teenagers? I mean, just look at the Denny’s Tumblr. And haven’t Clue Crew members been wanting HER Interactive to reach out to the young adult internet fandom and its style of humor forever? I know that the result has been underwhelming, to say the least, but, I don’t know … I’m having a hard time being mad.

And the same goes for the fandom. I’ve gotten kind of tired of the constant bitterness and negativity towards HER; I hate seeing people harass and annoy HER employees on Facebook or whatever; and even trolling the HER forums with jokes about Big Island Mike, Communism, Satanic subliminal messages, etc. was never really that funny to me in the first place (esp. because, like … the kids on these forums are super sheltered people who probably have super overprotective parents and I honestly wouldn’t have a hard time believing that if their parents see this kind of shit going down and misunderstand the context [as parents are wont to do] they might not let the kids go on the HER boards anymore.) BUT, I can see where all this stuff is coming from - a feeling of boredom, frustration, and betrayal. And I get that. So I can’t really judge any of that too harshly, either. 

I guess I’d say that in general, I’m not bothered about MID on a daily level, though when the time eventually comes that I finish all the Nancy Drews, that might very well change. But it’s when I interact with the fandom, see how stagnant it’s become, and see how hurt the longtime fans of this company are, then it starts to work me up a little more. Still, I can’t really manage anger … only disappointment. 

[sincerelybluevase]

Sunday Symbolism: Unhappy Childhoods make Great Nurses

CtM is a drama series, so it is only natural that the main cast have some drama going on in their private lives, or have had some drama. That being said, however, I did notice that the amount of past family drama for our favourite nuns and nurses is really high. I thought I’d write a post about it, gathering all those origins. It seems that unhappy childhoods make for great nurses and doctors ;). Is this really symbolism? I don’t think so, but it is just something that struck me.

Parents

Deceased or missing parent:

Shelagh: Shelagh lost her mother as a young child, leaving her with only her father (as far as we know, she has no siblings). This has greatly affected her childhood. It has also greatly affected her later life; if she had not felt Timothy Turner’s pain so keenly, it is probable we would not have had Turnadette. We don’t know too much about her childhood and how her father treated her, but one can imagine that it must have been difficult. I also guess that her father is no longer alive, because he’s never mentioned and we did not see him at the wedding (though some people have speculated that he might have been somewhat abusive, in which case it might be possible that he simply wasn’t invited even if he was still alive). Shelagh’s childhood remains an enigma.

Barbara: Just like Shelagh, Barbara lost her mother at a young age, too. We do know that Barbara is very close to her father, as we could see in the wonderful S06X08. Even though she grew up without a mother and had a father with a demanding job, it seems that Barbara enjoyed her childhood.

Timothy: Poor Timothy lost his mother to cancer when he was about nine. We can see the problems that arise because of this situation play out in season two: poor Doctor Turner does the best he can, but juggling a demanding job and the care for his son is often too much. Luckily for Timothy, there’s a sweet nun who is ready to take him under her wing ;).

Phyllis: Phyllis is a bit of the odd one out in this list-within-lists, because she did not lose her mother. Instead, she did not have a father, not because he died, but because her mother conceived Phyllis out of wedlock. Phyllis herself has mentioned how she admires her mother for working incredibly hard to give Phyllis a good start in life, even though society was hugely prejudiced against them. Phyllis’ childhood can’t have been easy, but it seems she and her mother tried to make the best of it.

Troubled relationship:

Chummy: It is no secret that Chummy’s mother felt ashamed of her too-large and clumsy daughter. There’s also the fact that Chummy was away at school for a large part of her childhood, meaning she actually saw little of her mother. They do manage to let go of some of their hurt feelings when Chummy’s mother is deadly ill, so that’s something, I suppose.

Trixie: Trixie’s father suffered from PTSD, caused by his experiences in WWII. Trixie tells Jenny that she felt responsible for her father’s well-being, and would act cheerful and silly in an effort to keep his demons at bay. During the fourth season, she also confesses to Sister Julienne that he was an alcoholic, though he himself claimed he had no problem. It is also suggested that Trixie’s mother expected her daughter to take care of her traumatised husband (Trixie says that her mother took care of her father during the nights, and that, during the day, “it was my turn”). This is something that should never ever be asked of a child, ever. All of this has had a huge impact on Beatrix: not only has it formed the way she behaves in general (always trying to be bubbly and funny), it has also shaped the way in which she deals with life’s less-appealing aspects (she has trouble expressing emotions that aren’t ‘happy’, and becomes an alcoholic herself because she doesn’t have a healthy outlet for those negative emotions).

Sister Monica-Joan: CtM is pretty clear on the fact that Sister Monica-Joan did not have a good relationship with her mother (Sister MJ confesses that she thinks it is cruel that she should miss her mother, because they had a hard time being in each other’s company). In the books, it also becomes clear that Sister MJ did not have a good relationship with her father; he was abusive and controlling and misused his power to hurt his wife. There’s also the fact that her entire family broke all contact when she decided to become a nun (in the books, it is told that they even locked Sister MJ in her room, refusing to let her out till she decided not to become a nun. Sister MJ managed to get her way by writing to the flipping queen of England, telling her of her plight, and only by some type of royal decree was she released and allowed to enter the novitiate). Yeah, Sister MJ and her family aren’t the greatest match (then again, she does visit her nephew and his family, so I guess time does heal some wounds).

Delia: I kind of struggled with putting Delia into this list, because her mother is mainly highly over-protective. This can be smothering and border on abusive behaviour, but we haven’t seen enough of Delia’s mum to say whether she really goes too far (what we’ve seen takes place after Delia has had a serious accident, and I can understand that a mother remains a bit overbearing even after several months).

Jane: in the TV-series, poor Jane was put into St. Mungo’s because her parents could not deal with her panic attacks. This can hardly have been beneficial for their relationship. Still, it is a great deal better than the books, in which Jane is the illegitimate child of a rich man and a maid, grows up in a poor house, and is horrifically abused there.

Jenny: Again, there’s no indication of this in the TV-Series, but in the book the midwife’s sister, written by Jenny’s sister Christine, it becomes clear that poor Jenny and Christine didn’t have the best of childhoods, either. Their parents divorced when their children were still quite young, and both remarried. Their partners were downright cruel to Jenny and Christine, ignoring them and forcing them to live like strangers in their own homes (there is one horrible incident in which her mother’s new husband smashes the lid of the piano down on Jenny’s fingers, because he doesn’t like it when she plays whilst he is home…)

 Siblings

Cynthia: I can’t really say that Cynthia’s home situation was unfortunate (in fact, for all we know, she had a perfectly happy childhood), but there is one thing that was less than ideal: Cynthia had a handicapped brother. This must have been hard at times, and I think it must have been an important factor for Cynthia to get into nursing.

Sister Evangelina: apart from the fact that Sister E grew up quite poor, she also had a somewhat troublesome relation with one of her younger brothers. This guy had mental problems, and did not always receive the proper care (partly because he himself doesn’t seem to want it). This caused Sister E quite some sleepless nights.

As a side note: Trixie does have a kind of phobia for fish ever since her brother dropped her into a rock pool. This is the only time she mentions having a brother. I’m not sure if that’s an indication for her not having a good relationship with him after the incident, or whether we’re just working with the constraints of an hour-long period drama in which there’s no need for such a brother to be mentioned again ;).

 Both

Patsy: Poor Patience Mount really tops everyone. She spent a part of her childhood in a prisoner-of-war camp, where she saw her mother and sister succumb to exhaustion, starvation, and tropical diseases. We do know that her father survived, but the experience scarred Patsy for life. This girl suffers from PTSD and has trouble expressing emotions, which becomes especially clear during the third and fourth season.

 Unknown

Valerie: Not too strange, since this girl is the newest addition to the main cast. We do know that there’s a secret, but whether this relates to her childhood, her teenage years, or her time in the army is yet unknown.

Sister Winifred: Sister Winifred remains the enigma of CtM. I have high hopes for her in future series, though.

Sister Julienne: We don’t know anything about her childhood. The only thing we know is that she suffered through something similar as Sister Bernadette in Season Two, only she made a different choice: Sister Julienne was in love with a man, but felt that her calling was stronger, and decided to turn him down and become a nun instead.

Patrick Turner: I’ve put Patrick here, because we don’t know too much about his childhood. His ‘drama’ stems from WWII, in which he was traumatised and suffered a nervous breakdown. However, that happened when he already was an adult. I’d have to reread Doctor Turner’s case book to find out more, because even though a lot of things from that good read stuck with me, I can’t remember things about his childhood.

 I can’t really say that all of these characters had unhappy childhoods (frankly, it depends on the person; you can suffer through a lot of hardships and still feel that your childhood was a happy one, and the reverse can also be true), but I thought it was something worth pointing out. I feel that this post has been a lot of aimless rambling; I’ll be back next week with something a bit more coherent, I promise ;)

[mild-lunacy]

The emotion which obstacles to love produces in the feminine heart is: angst.

This is what I think most readers are missing when they mock stories meant for teenage girls. The very thing they criticize it for having is the thing that makes it valuable to the young girl. So often, I hear the complain that a story is angst-ridden, as if that alone was evidence of its poor quality. Even many adult women tend to forget they once felt that way—the ones who no longer read tearjerkers.

It is not the fact that there is angst, but that it is often not done well, that leads people to denigrate it. Angst in romances is a lot like violence in action stories. A good action story has a brave hero, a great plot…and lots of violence and explosions. A cheep action story tries to replace the hero and plot with more blood and more explosions. Angst works the same way.

A really good heartbreaking, angsty story has problems that are outside of the main character’s control and these problems threaten to keep her from a happiness that she cannot live without. The main character expresses her pain and sorrow as she faces these terrible situations. Bad angsty stories just consist of stupid misunderstandings—things that are in the main character’s control but which she does not avoid.

This is a great insight, when you think about what makes angsty or dark romantic story arcs work vs. just making people frustrated or angry. I definitely think of myself as an angst-lover in exactly this sense-- I was that girl who fantasized about my crush crying inconsolably... until I came along, back when I was 12-13. I was that girl, but not everyone was, or people do forget as they grow older, too. I know people who have a much lower and much higher tolerance for romantic angst than I do (like, I'm still into painful obstacles to love, but I'm not into... pointless or utterly gratuitous emotional torture). I guess what's 'gratuitous' torture for characters to go through for love is very subjective. Still, it really does seem similar to those gratuitous explosions and/or misunderstandings. I really hate misunderstanding stories, or things that can be easily fixed. Seeing Johnlock, Harry/Draco or any other favorite ship like that was always frustrating to me. If the problems are easily overcome, it's not an epic romance, is it? It's really like those fics were saying my OTP wasn't, in fact, able to overcome the true scope of the obstacles in front of them and more besides, even though that's totally irrational and ridiculous. But that's the instinctive thought process.

I was also thinking that this relentless drive to overcome external obstacles to love can be seen as the feminine version of the traditional Hero's Journey mythic arc. The quest quality to the attainment of the beloved is definitely heroic in nature. When you think about the fairy-tale stories that have female heroines-- especially variations on Psyche and Cupid, such as Beauty and the Beast or The Snow Queen-- there's always that scenario where the girl suffers through external tasks and obstacles to prove her strength of feeling first and foremost. It's not about defeating the enemy or even becoming a more worthy/transformed/adult person, like the Hero's Journey, but about showing the intensity and strength of inner feeling alone. The feeling overcomes by *surviving* at all, not disappearing, not being extinguished by hardship. Pain and suffering is what allows that insight for any onlookers or the listeners, as well as the beloved. This then allows the possibility of comfort and the lovers' assured eternal happiness.

The point is, 'look how I suffer for you! Look what I do for you! I would suffer anything for you, the beloved, with no hint of a guarantee of a happy ending or attaining my heart's desire'. That kind of attitude is surely why Sherlock has read romantically to me ever since the beginning of Series 3, once I thought about it. The more awfully and selflessly he suffered and experienced pain in love, the more directly it was for *John*, the more transcendent the romantic devotion became. Mind you, I'm not saying that this is the be-all and end-all-- I'm a big fan of happy endings. I'm just saying both expressing *and* experiencing pain and sorrow (not immediately comforted) are important for the sake of a good angsty romance.

There is somewhere in the back of the feminine psyche—way, way, way back—an unspoken assumption that sorrow can only get so bad. The thought is that if you can just pile on enough heartbreak, you will, some day, hit the breaking point—where either the universe itself shatters and rights everything that is wrong or, like an elf, you die of a broken heart.

That idea—that elf maids are hard to kill physically but more vulnerable to perishing from heartbreak—is one that goes very well with angst. Because the idea that no matter how sad you are, you are going to get over it eventually cuts against the premise that love is all and the only thing worth living for.

One cannot help being curious, then as to where this breaking point is? How much sorrow can I suffer before I cannot go on? How much can Juliet endure before she gives up? How much can Prince Charming overcome?

I think this particular thing is hardest for non-fans of romantic angst to understand: getting over it is not the point. You're not *supposed* to get over it. I especially remember my frustration with fics post-S3 that 'fixed' things for Sherlock by giving him a new boyfriend and/or new outlook on life. It's hard to imagine a more horrifying or pointless course of action for the angst lover romantic type fan. Like... 'getting over it' invalidates the purpose and higher calling of all the previous suffering. It's like, you've failed in the quest and have gone home, perhaps after proclaiming that love itself is dead. It's unthinkable.

I like the point that the lover dies from a broken heart-- or "the universe itself shatters and rights everything that is wrong". Remember, pure feeling and devotion is the 'weapon', and endurance is the name of the game when it comes to romantic angst. The endurance has to be for a worthwhile cause, but after that, all bets are off. And that in itself creates tension of the sort you see in the mass cultural response both to things like Twilight and Sherlock. The main critique in both cases is generally that the relationship isn't healthy and/or not 'worth it' since the beloved is unworthy or immoral in some way. How can it be okay to be hurt?

Remember what I said about the Psyche and Cupid myth in this context, though: the beloved himself may well be or become cold, monstrous, and untouchable. This theme of 'the cold lover' or 'the painful lover' is a typical one for the mythic-inspired romantic angst tales, such as 'The Snow Queen'. Kai is, of course, the beloved with the shard of ice in his heart, and Gerda doesn't even know that. She can only suffer. The threat is definitely external in the end-- it's not really Kai's fault-- but the experience is that of suffering at the beloved's hands. This is what Twilight clearly recreates: Edward's behavior is due to circumstances beyond his control (his vampirism, his responses to it, his attempts to protect Bella from the fallout from it, etc). However, that doesn't really matter, because he still hurts Bella, one way or another. She suffers, she endures, she survives the test. Is it well-written? Not really, no. But the point is that a lot of the critiques were oblivious to the whole point of what was going on and the appeal of the genre to its intended audience.

The greater the amount of heartbreak overcome, the greater the victory of love.

Because if love is worth having, then it will triumph, victorious, and the lovers will come together, despite all.

And that, by the way, is the unspoken assumption of all romances: that the couple is destined to be together. They belong together, and if they do not, their lives with be warped and ruined. There is something in their togetherness that is so important that they—and the entire universe—cannot function, cannot become whole, without it.

That is definitely it for me, and why it's related that I have a high tolerance for angst and I'm a huge romantic, someone who gets frustrated by fics that dismiss or somehow tarnish the eternal truth is that is my OTP. The whole idea, the entire purpose of angsty romance is to demonstrate that love endures and conquers all. Obstacles to love are necessary only to purify it, to justify it, to make it ascendant. That's why I simply say I'm a romantic much more often than I claim to love angst: I don't love your garden-variety angst, where someone simply gets hurt and overcomes it (or not). That's fun, but that's more of a thriller than anything. And I do love the more masculine style thrillers and adventure tales, but it's nothing to how passionately I feel about well-done romantic agony. Combine the threads of high adventure and romantic angst-- in the true mythic tradition, of course-- and I'm on cloud nine. I was definitely like this at age 12-13, too. Give me a princess who's also a pirate, any day.

[pussymagicuniverse]

Trusting After Trauma

Trigger Warning: Contains references to childhood sexual abuse 

When one experiences abuse, particularly as a child or adolescent, their growth into adulthood is layered with the emotional and psychological effects of trauma. As someone who experienced sexual abuse as a young girl, my instincts for survival developed coping mechanisms that protected me from the possibility of more pain. Lots of survivors attest to the startling revelation that later on in their lives, when abuse is no longer present, they still latch onto their previous methods of enduring hardship. And this attachment creates negative results.

I first confronted the reality of my childhood sexual abuse when I was 19 as a freshman in college. It was the first year I was living away from home, and this newfound independence helped me understand my adolescence from a different perspective. I’d write dark, heart-wrenching prose to express the layers of rage, sadness, and confusion the experience caused me. But it wasn’t enough to mediate the storm brewing inside. I finally broke down to my best friend and roommate and told her everything.

In retrospect, this moment is five years past. Yet the emotional intensity of that period can still be found in the moments I’m triggered. The expected triggers are obviously depictions and references to sexual assault, but I’ve recently discovered that moments of vulnerability with my girlfriend provokes similar feelings.

My response is always the same: I freeze up, becoming an immovable stone. I disassociate from my body and feelings, refusing to communicate any of my internal processes. This is what kept me safe as a child who sought an escape from the nightmare of abuse. But as an adult in a safe, supportive, and loving environment that I mutually created with my partner, my response to vulnerability is a reaction to the hellscape of my past.

How is this possible? Why do I have a negative association with revealing my truest thoughts, feelings, and desires to those I trust? 

The conflicts with my girlfriend were never arguments, but rather a one-sided conversation where she talked at me because I refused to engage. Refused to acknowledge my complacency by avoiding ill-feelings and problems. You let people who hurt you in the past haunt you, people who aren’t even here. She’d say to me. The stone would crack and I’d eventually break down, sobs shaking my body until I admitted she was right.

My cold response to moments of intimacy wasn’t a reflex, where the stimulus of love caused my walls to build distance between us. Was it instinct to protect myself from something I perceived as a threat to my stability? Or was it caused by my intuition, which had been conditioned to fear kindness and respect because of previous, negative experiences?  

Instinct is defined as an innate impulse or tendency, a natural pattern written in a species’ biology. Spiders know how to weave webs from the moment of their birth. A bear knows when and where to hibernate for the winter. Instincts are often understood to be animalistic, primitive behavioral patterns that humans distance themselves from. I am reminded of the many ways the Western man has tried to distance himself from the rebellion of the natural world: the creation of fences, borders, machines and inventions that make formerly hostile environments habitable.

It’s not to say that these material things and societal patterns disrupt instinct; but the purpose of modernity has always been to create distance between the present and human’s humble origins. What if this cultural attitude was linked to my perception of human vulnerability? It’s ability to expose and hold someone accountable reflects society’s distrust of open spaces. With no place to hide, how do we protect ourselves?  

Intuition can be synonymous with instinct, although it’s most commonly understood as a perception of truth or fact without any reasoning process to back it up. Patriarchal institutions over-value the importance of objectivity, or hard cold facts, which marginalizes intuition as an unreliable and “feminine” method of understanding. This pattern of distrusting innate capacities reveals our culture’s obsession with hiding, and conflating avoidance with protection.

I remember thinking when I was 19 and entering into my first serious relationship: how can I trust my intuition when it’s wrong? 

This question hasn’t left me, even as I lean into healing. The conditioning still exists, perhaps indefinitely. At least in this lifetime, in a world that’s structured to stop people from questioning its violence. Trauma is a fickle thing, gone in some moments only to reappear suddenly and unexpectedly.

In Sarah Schulman’s fantastic book Conflict Is Not Abuse, she writes: “We react constantly through life…Most reactions are not really observed because they are commensurate with their stimuli, but a triggered reaction stands out because it is out of sync with what is actually taking place. When we are triggered, we have unresolved pain from the past that is expressed in the present.”  

Reminders of trauma are like ghosts. Their invisible, ethereal forms make them impossible to prove. But the feelings are still felt, as if we are haunted by echoes of cruelty. Triggers are often avoided, and rightly so. Experiencing them can be incredibly difficult; why relive painful memories when you don’t have to? Yet if they’re indications of unresolved emotions, shouldn’t triggers be something we embrace rather than actively avoid?

I took a Multicultural Literature Class in college, excited to read about non-Western perspectives from people of color. My professor had an unconventional approach to this topic, however, and included work by the famous author Vladimir Nabokov. To my dismay, one of the books on the syllabus was Lolita, a novel I was obsessed with as a teenager because it reflected the sexual abuse I was experiencing. 

Seeing the word on the page made my heart flutter and my palms sweat. I felt dizzy, and longed to run out of the room and never come back. I could have dropped the class if I wanted to, but I didn’t. Both the inconvenience of it and the possibility to confront a triggering artifact anchored me in place. 

But at first, I objected to the book. I even spoke about it in class and wrote my professor a note. But it didn’t change the fact that I was required to write about it and sit through my weekly three-hour classes to discuss it. The whole experience was a nightmare, as it brought up countless memories I longed to forget. At night, when I’d come home after class, I was so on edge that I relied on smoking weed to calm my nerves.

I was face-to-face with reminders of my sexual abuse, forced to confront my tactic for survival as a child. Lolita simultaneously saved and trapped me. It articulated an experience that was my reality, but also caused me to idealize it. This wasn’t the fault of the book, but of my own lack of self-awareness and inability to grapple with my abuse.

This realization was more painful than having to reread the predatory and horrifying novel. I needed to accept that Lolita helped me navigate something that was messy and confusing. But it also hurt me, because it helped internalize that the abuse was my fault. Instead of a victim, Dolores Haze was a seductress. This fantasy was more appealing than accepting my powerlessness. I never heard Dolores’ perspective, but was forced to glean it through what she does and says in the eyes of her captor. I learned about my exploitation from the mouth of my abuser.  

It’s no wonder that I react with fear when a lover offers their support. Why should I trust anyone, when people closest to me were capable of immense cruelty? This struggle is not uniquely mine, and I’m sure all victims of abuse share similar sentiments. Our stories are not identical, but they overlap. 

I seem to spin round and round in circles trying to distinguish between instinct and intuition, reality and projection. Even in writing this, I wonder what my point is. Or how I can offer hope or insight about trusting after trauma when I’m still trying to figure it out myself.

This discourse is present in even the most minute and humorous formats. Remember a few years back when the Dark Kermit the Frog meme circulated the internet? There’s one that struck me as revelatory and sad about our culture’s tendency to be self-destructive. I was unable to find it but I’ll summarize the gist: when you realize your toxic impulses are only hurting yourself.

As a member of the generation who uses humor on social media to cope with the devastating reality of our fucked up world, indulging this mindset is often easier than confronting what causes it. But maybe there’s something powerful in revealing our demons. Is Dark Kermit not only a darker version of ourselves but also a reflection of our subconscious desires? Embracing the shadow self can be a healing experience, because allowing it to thrive in darkness only makes it more powerful.

Writing about Lolita was a cataclysmic experience for me. I was almost a decade older than the girl who first experienced sexual abuse. Where there was previously a void of silence and shame, suddenly I had language. My feminist studies helped me articulate the toxic elements of the novel and how they reaffirmed a misogynistic culture. In confronting Lolita, I confronted a part of myself hidden from sight. I spoke it into existence, and then released it.

Speaking out about abuse is cleansing. It doesn’t change what happened, but it’s a step forward in controlling how we deal with it. There’s something powerful in acknowledging the past; it allows us to see ourselves more clearly. Coming to terms with my sexual abuse blessed me with the knowledge that I was right in trying to protect myself. For I was a child with no armor, and I didn’t deserve to be exploited.

I think this is the moment survivors begin to distinguish between instinct and intuition; embracing truth grants us insight into realizing what is and isn’t a conditioned response. When we understand our triggers and how we respond to them, we can create modes of action to confront them. When we’re self-aware, our impulses to self-destruct have less power. There’s more room to honor the quiet knowing of intuition. We began to recognize our real selves, buried underneath the layers of experience, expectation, and the past.

Moving beyond the effects of trauma is not a uniform experience. Everyone copes in different ways, and some methods work better for others. But I think the key in allowing oneself to be open to love and vulnerability is the same across the board. If you trust yourself, you can rely on your intuition to guide you to trustworthy people.

Cassidy Scanlon is a Capricorn poet and witch who uses her artistic gifts as a channel for healing herself and others. She writes poetry and CNF about mental health, astrology, queer love, pop culture representation, and how social structures shape our perceptions of history and mythology. When she’s not writing, she can be found petting the local stray cats, exploring the swamps of Florida, reading 5 books at a time, and unwinding with her Leo girlfriend. 

You can visit her astrology blog Mercurial Musings and explore more of her publications on her website. 

[idle-flower]

Dear Yuletide Author - 2019

Thank you for your time and attention, and I hope your wishes are granted this holiday!

Likes:

I prefer plot and angst and adventure to fluff, though a nice warm fluffy scene can make a good dessert at the end of the pain and suffering. I lean more to f/f and m/f than m/m. I enjoy forbidden relationships. I love exploring the 'what if' spinoffs of a small change in a canon. I swoon for lovers who take dramatic risks to protect their loved ones.

I also enjoy detailed description of clothing/furniture/jewelry/pretty things in general. Not just heaping up brand names, but sensory detail.

Dislikes:

Please avoid sweeping tropey AUs like 'what if noir' or 'what if everyone was in high school'. I'm REALLY picky about comedy so it's probably not a good idea to go for wacky funny stuff. No excited rambling about pregnancy or babies. (Older kids are okay.) While I am okay with pretty dark stuff, please don't gorily torture characters to death on screen. If people gotta die, limit the details! I am generally not keen on crossovers. I dislike PWP unless it is exceedingly hot smut (see below).

Smut:

I don't require it, but I do read a good bit of filthy porn.

Kinks I find interesting: mild bdsm, pain mixed with pleasure, dubcon, sibling or cousin incest, strap-ons, futanari and other magical appendages, teasing, teenagers, drugs/magic with interesting effects, people making terrible decisions due to being emotionally overwrought or really really horny

DO NOT WANT: 

rape or painful sex that one party is not enjoying at all, inserting anything edible (licking off boobs is okay), aggressive face-fucking, choking, degradation, scat/watersports, bukkake, parental incest, anyone younger than teen, emphasis on 'virgin blood' (some writers make it a huge deal with tearing pain and fountains of blood, please don't).

---

Poison Ivy (1992 film)

Sylvie Cooper, Ivy

I was struggling through the confusions of puberty, Ivy was hot, this film left an impression on me. In a way it's perfect as it is, and trying to build any sort of happy ending for Ivy feels out of place, but on the other hand there's a lot of loose ends left after the story.

Throughout the film, there's a lot the audience never knows about Ivy, including her legal name. Did Coop know it? (Maybe, probably.) Did her father? (Quite possibly not). How do they handle all the legal responsibilities of her death? Were Ivy's stories about the aunt she was staying with true? How do they break the news?  How does her funeral go?  

What do Sylvie and her father have to say to each other about Ivy after the truth comes out? Does he admit everything that he did? How does he handle the guilt? How do they rebuild their relationship?

What is school like, afterwards? What rumors escape? How does Coop handle them?

Or - what if Ivy survives the fall? Seriously injured, possibly paralysed, but alive? How do they deal with her, once the truth comes out? Do they cover up her crimes? Do they keep her in their home? What happens to their relationships?

For AUs, what would have happened if Ivy had met Coop when they were several years younger, so she couldn't get her hooks into Darryl as easily? What if they met at summer camp and Ivy was just as messed-up and needy but the situations were different? What if the movie plot is actually a fantasy younger-Ivy spins about her future to her fascinated-and-appalled friend, who then has a chance to react to it?

Bittersweet endings are good here but I don’t mind it going all dark if you feel like it. Too happy would just feel wrong.

Smutwise, I'm fine with Sylvie/Ivy, I'm okay with Darryl/Ivy but I would rather he not be the focus of the story (Sylvie catching them having sex has possibilities, or Ivy thinking about Sylvie while seducing Darryl)

---

Xanth - Piers Anthony

Jenny Elf, Gwendolyn Goblin

I have an ulterior motive, I badly want to insert some gayness into Xanth after the author has tried so hard to make it impossible, even allegedly threatening magical straightjackets to cure homosexuality. And it is difficult to think of a good f/f pairing because female characters in Xanth are almost completely obsessed with flashing their panties and attracting men. Almost the only good female friendship actually on-page (as opposed to a vague comment that Ivy and Nada used to hang out) is Jenny/Gwenny, who are best friends.

The events of The Color Of Her Panties even provide some possible groundwork to build on. They've been raised together in the care of centaurs who have different views on morality/sexuality than humans do. They're forced to think about sex and be inducted into the Adult Conspiracy together. Gwenny's new contacts mean that she starts seeing other people's sexual fantasies (and Jenny does too, for a while). They're bound to have some good girly gossip on the subject at some point, talking about what all these weirdoes are into and trying to figure out what the appeal is! Or some simple "ugh boys are gross, especially goblin boys" that leads to pushing them closer together. (Well, Che is quite different from the goblin boys, and I'm not totally opposed to including him, but my ulterior motive makes me more interested in Jenny/Gwenny as a couple than all of them as an OT3.)

I basically stopped reading the series at that point so please don't refer to plot developments and characters that came later in the series. I know that both girls are married off to men eventually in canon. Don't care.

Straightforward romance: Gwenny relies on Jenny to cheer her up and help her relax from her duties. Romance blossoms! Simple.

Silly fluff: Gwenny and Jenny visit the Pantry, try on tons of lingerie together, have a ridiculous slumber party and pillow fight, end up snogging... maybe they even accidentally found Dolph and Electra's honeymoon chamber.

For a slightly more dramatic plot, Gwenny's bound to feel like she has to marry and have a child because goblins have hereditary rulership. She also knows all the good and bad sides of that - she would never have come to power without those rules, but those rules also made her bastard half-brother a threat when he would have been a terrible leader. And she knows that true family is what you choose, not just an accident of birth. Will she decide that she has to have a husband? Will she decide that she cannot have a husband, who might threaten her power, but must give birth to a child for the succession? (And hey, magic can be involved, this is Xanth, she can TOTALLY have Jenny's baby somehow) Or what about adoption?

If you smut it, I don't care if they're still as young as they were in TCOHP (but no younger). I'm also fine with them being older. I would rather not do any temporary sex-change because that defeats my ulterior motive, but weird uses for Xanth-style magic stuff could be entertaining.

If the real-world implications of Jenny Elf bother you, I'll settle for Ivy/Nada, but that's going to need a lot more imagination to get a satisfying story out of it. How does their friendship develop between Isle of View and Man from Mundania, other than gossipping about their respective brothers? Do they have any adventures? How does Ivy cope with Nada's occasional self-destructive tendencies? How does Electra fit into their group?

---

Fern Capel - Jan Siegel

Any

This is a tall ask, since this book series doesn't seem very well known here, and the writing style is hard to match. On top of that, I've got a love/hate relationship with the series.

I adored the first book. I liked the rest of the trilogy... up to the ending WHICH I HATED. I detest reset-button plots, and I find "just let me forget everything" resolutions to be unpleasantly reminscent of suicidal inclination. Life is making choices and carrying on and learning how to deal with the consequences. We don't get to wipe out our histories. They're part of us. Also, choosing to stop fighting evil as long as you and your friend can be safe is... I don't want to say cowardly, because it's human, but it's very unsatisfying as the end of a heroic story.

I want a fix-it. Somehow. Anyhow. Rewrite the universe, change the events of the third book. Give me an ending with hope. Doesn't have to be super-happy, can acknowledge that the fight against darkness can never be 'won' and we'll all die in the end, but we carry on regardless and we find some joy in the world we live in on the way.

Find Fern another way out of her dilemma - or rewrite enough of the plot that she doesn't feel so hopeless to begin with. Let Fern love again! Let her _really_ love, let her experience different kinds of love and find them all valuable rather than holding on forever to what she's lost.

Any sort of story taking place within this world could be nice to read.

Other things that might be entertaining - reincarnate Morgun? Trap Morgus in a harmless, powerless body and force her to interact with the world until she learns to be less evil (which will take centuries)? I tend to enjoy ancient evils forced to be helpful and friendly (while being very bitter about it). Get Will and Gaynor together? Get Will, Gaynor, and Fern all together (sharing non-incestuously)? Let Fern find an older magical woman, a mother-witch type, who is kind and understanding and supportive, so she no longer has to feel like she's the one bearing all the knowledge and responsibility alone? Fern never really relaxes. What would it take for her to be safe and happy and still herself, rather than giving it all up?

DNW: Will/Fern.

---

Anyplace Anywhere Anytime - Nena ft. Kim Wilde (Music Video)

Any

So when I first saw this video, I thought, "OMG that is absolutely 90s White Wolf / Vampire the Masquerade. And kind of gay!" And that's basically what I'm requesting. Dark urban fantasy romance in the streets of London (or some other European city with gothic churches around). A story that has the feel of this video, whether or not it's a direct connection. Bring all your darkest teen vampire angst fantasies, let them run wild, and give them a happy ending (because this isn't a sad song!)

Desirable elements: lesbians (please!) vampires (please!) people wearing sunglasses (including at night, to hide their inhuman eyes) people wearing black leather, with extra straps and buckles and spikes trenchcoats fishnets - possibly even full-body stiletto boots dancing/nightclubs staff fighting, maybe some sort of ritual challenge for position forbidden romance, which somehow works out

Could be cool: time travel (but not a full Dark crossover please) reincarnation a lyric drop - either "anyplace, anywhere, anytime" or "I'll build you a castle of sand" (yes, I know that's a little awkward in English but if they're vampires maybe someone's first language isn't English, and it needs 'castle of sand' rather than 'sandcastle' to be a proper lyric drop IMO... Or you could just say it in German to begin with.)

DNW:

tragic dead lesbians at the end of it. NO BAD ENDING FOR THIS PLEASE.