#like it's in my brain but it's physically painful at a point

[triaelf9]

I was thinking last night before bed like...I wish I liked doing fully finished illustrations more and like, I enjoy it for VERY specific thing, but really, what I love is comics. And I love telling my own stories, the connection there is just something I can't explain, I just LOVE it

Without that connection, it's really hard to finish something, or get started on it, and it makes commissions REALLY hard for me to do, they're SUPER draining. It also makes things other than patreon/ko-fi hard to make stuff for b/c like, I just wanna comics. All day, every day.

But the more niche I realize that I am, the more it's like "ah crap, comics don't pay well, they take REALLY long to make, how am I gonna support my family on comics" and then it's like, well, I know where my heart lies at least, but the collapse of things is just always there

It's funny b/c I know that my stories wouldn't be what they are without my brain and how it works, but also I would be so much more productive and be able to work on more things and probably support my family better without the ADHD. So eyyy, it is what it is I guess lol XD

So...yay! But also like... oh no ^_^;;

[sandinthepipes]

I've figured it out.

The reason Merlin's fics still come out every day. The reason ofmd has so many fics and content.

It's the hope.

They both leave you on the moment right before resolution. They've shown you something good is coming and leave you wondering what it could be.

It's not a cliffhanger, there's isn't "oh no this bad thing is going to happen but maybe not", it's the opposite.

[skrunksthatwunk]

"i'm not disabled" followed immediately by "i've got bad knees and a bad back" is certainly something to read 🤨 you know it doesn't have to be cripling for it to count, right...? it's not normal to be in pain after 15 minutes of standing. ableds can stand for, like, an hour at a time before they need to sit.

i know! i appreciate the concern, but i uh. dunno lol. genuinely i don't know. but i included the afaik ("i'm not disabled afaik" was the original phrase, though i'm not like mad at you for excluding it or anything) because i'm well aware that it's a possibility. it's hard to explain but there's a lot of little things that don't add up to much but are like. noticeable. like i would prefer to do most things sitting, if i could, as a matter of comfort. it would be easier for me. and walking isn't as bad as just standing. i've never been great at taking care of my body, and this has only gotten worse with time. it's hard for me to know what i should read as necessity and what i should read as preference, and how much weight to put on said preferences. like you said, i know it doesn't need to be "if i don't sit down i'm going to collapse" or anything, but where to draw that line between Definitely A Medical Thing That Affects Me More Than Other People and.. not that, i'm not sure. i kinda just thought i was a persistently slightly tired and low energy person, but it doesn't seem bad enough to be chronic fatigue, so...? is it related to the half-diagnosed. idk it's complicated depression (and yes in hindsight i probably should've counted that as disabling but whatever)? idk it's not a rabbit hole i've explored much at all is my point. but i know it's there and uh i guess this was sort of validating in a way anon so.. yeah? yeah👍

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[unproduciblesmackdown]

enjoy some pencil drawings for once

screenshot study and what amounts to a conceptual illustration of a writing idea

[hopefulqueer]

i think people expect the "pain" part of chronic pain to be the biggest problem but for me it is the "chronic" part

i could pretty easily, if begrudgingly, tolerate and push past this pain if i knew it was temporary, if it was only for a few hours or even a few days or a week or two

but it wears you down. you know?

it's not always quite this bad, but it has been for a month with no real hope that it'll get better anytime soon. physical therapy basically gave me a shrug and a "sorry pal, wish we could do more". there's no medicine i have that helps. i can't sleep. i can't do anything but sit in my chair without making it worse. i'm reaching a breaking point.

i have to drag myself to class tomorrow.

[sunspira]

filling out medical history and reporting a hospitalization on january 6th 2021 due to a medically unidentified tooth ache is so funny it feels like SUCH a lie you would tell if you were at the capitol riot especially when the doctors couldnt find anything structurally wrong with it and sent me home like “lol lying bitch have a Tylenol”. I know for sure that tooth hell mess was on that same day because it was all over the news as in breaking news with updates and the only thing I had in the waiting room to distract me from the pain which was like , indescribable tbh and you know how extreme distress can lock a memory in your mind really well so im always like ugh worst night ever. but not for the country no just for me. if you were to jokingly ask “where were you on january 6th 2021″ id be like “i don wanna talk about it :(” hiding anything no its just that MY TOOF HURT and I thought I was dying of sepsis from a rotten tooth getting into my brain stem (is insanely irrational about medical scares im soerry) 

[dork-master]

shit dawg, my loneliness has gotten back to the point of "i see other fans enjoying the thing i enjoy, which "hurts" me cause I'm the (content)creators bestie, only me"

i need to see my therapist again, and fucking soon, ohmygod

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

Tw: violence, SH, su!cide

[monsterbisexual]

bleh x__x

[munch-mumbles]

genuinely feel like ive been going crazy the last few nights

[be-good-to-bugs]

WOW i am way overemotional lately

[featherymainffins]

I thought I would walk some additional 14 km today and thus burn my accidental lunch (caved into peer pressure and went to a restaurant and had a salad instead of eating my perfectly counted can of tuna) and as such I agreed to go have breakfast with some friends tomorrow to celebrate the end of the excursion.

But I did not walk those 14 km because I wasn't able to get water + I just finished 12 hours of lectures + my arches were killing me + it was raining + I wanted to shower + I wanted to study + I was fucking freezing.

Which means I have to punish myself for my lack of discipline and I also have to make up for the food and that means I CANNOT have that breakfast. In fact I cannot have anything. For 2 days. Just to be sure.

So now I'm trying to figure out what lie I can make up. Currently thinking about saying that I just started to feel really nauseous all of a sudden and as such I unfortunately cannot eat breakfast oopsie. It feels really random and not really believable though.

[stormyrainyday]

that kaveh fic where he said "he won't dare say it makes him feel better, because he knows that isn't true. he thinks he still remembers what 'better' feels like, and this isn't it"

[babycharmander]

(BOOK OF BILL SPOILERS)

I just finished reading The Book of Bill and I am kindof losing my mind over some of this stuff.

I had wondered if Alex Hirsch might make Bill sympathetic in some way and oh boy I was not expecting him to do it so successfully (and without cheapening Bill's character).

So, we learn that Bill was born into a 2D world... as a mutant who can see into the third dimension. He claims he was absolutely loved by all, but when talking about his powers, he mentions under Pyrokinesis:

"Cipher, Cipher, he's insane / Starting fires with his brain." The kids in grade school could be so cruel. But where are they now, huh? WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

So probably not quite as liked as he was letting on. To add to that, there's the silly straw page, which looks like silly nonsense until you decipher some of the codes:

"EYE DOCTOR OF A DIFFERENT KIND / WHO WANTS TO MAKE HIS PATIENTS BLIND" "THE DOCTOR SAYS / THREE SIPS A DAY / WILL MAKE THE VISIONS / GO AWAY"

I wasn't sure what this meant until I saw someone point out... he was seeing a third dimension that no one else could see. His parents probably took him to the eye doctor to try to "fix" him. Which, speaking of his eye doctor, the coded message in the section about human eyeballs says something interesting:

"MY OPTOMETRIST NEVER SAW IT COMING"

It could be a joke given beforehand he's talking about dissecting a human eye, but given the previous hints of medical abuse, I wouldn't put it past him that he tried to get revenge on his eye doctor.

Oh yeah and the whole thing about him setting his entire dimension on fire? Yeah it turns out it was entirely a mistake (he just wanted everyone to understand the third dimension he was seeing so they could be free of only two dimensions), he was so traumatized by it he blacks out when trying to recall it. He deeply, deeply regrets it, and...

"What? Your ENTIRE home dimension? destroyed? How? By what?" Bill looked distant, more distant than I'd ever seen him. "By a monster."

He sees himself as a monster.

And yet, he's not some innocent, misunderstood being. He still revels in causing pain and chaos. He's terrible in general, but becomes incredibly abusive toward Ford.

"YOU'RE MY PROPERTY. DON'T FORGET IT. The hillbilly abandoned you, your father won't want you returning without millions, you have no friends, and if you died out here in the snow, who would even miss you?"

Which... speaking of him and Ford...

Yes, yes, I know people ship them. But like, whether you see their relationship as romantic or platonic (I see it as the latter), there's some interesting parallels to be made here.

Both Bill and Ford are mutants who were mocked for their being different. (Bill was not physically a mutant, as far as we know, but more in the sense of him having vision stronger than that of everyone else in his dimension, and also having special powers. And he does describe himself as a mutant.) Both became social outcasts, separated from their families but still haunted by them (Ford seeing commercials of Stan on TV and running across old photos of him and his brother, Bill being haunted by his family in some form). Neither could return home for one reason or another. Both more powerful than their peers (Ford intellectually, Bill in terms of actual powers). Both of them isolated and alone. (Yes, Bill does have the Henchmaniacs, but they seem like shallow friends, and only really seem to follow him out of a desire to have a place to party.)

Ford was not aware of most of this, aside from knowing that Bill could not go home because his dimension was destroyed. But Bill absolutely saw himself in Ford. There was no other person he tried to use whom he felt a stronger connection to.

And he actually seems to care about Ford--he actually gave him a birthday present, and when Ford didn't like it, he decided to get drunk and party with him instead to make up for it.

And then when Ford realizes what Bill's plan actually is and refuses to go along with it, and fights back no matter what Bill does, Bill completely breaks down.

After living for trillions of years, he met someone who was like him, and that person rejected him.

He goes berserk, wreaking havoc, being caught by the dimensional authority that he's been taunting for most of his life.

And then after dying and being cast out of hell for being too annoying, he winds up faced with the Axolotl, who sends him to therapy, where he continues to break down further, sending out the book in a desperate attempt to find someone, anyone who will help him break loose and wreak havoc once again.

"You have no friends, and if you died ... who would even miss you?"

I don't know, Bill. Who would even miss you?

In short,

[ID: The front and back of one of Bill's Valentines cards. On the front is a black void with Bill Cipher lying down without his hat, gazing blankly upwards, with the text "I DON'T WANT TO DIE ALONE" above him. On the back is a simple white "TO/FROM" in red, with a red outline illustration of Bill spontaneously growing a mouth and eating a realistic, bloody heart. /end ID]

[smudgefawn]

caustic cesspit ass brain