#ND brains are so wild

[triaelf9]

I was thinking last night before bed like...I wish I liked doing fully finished illustrations more and like, I enjoy it for VERY specific thing, but really, what I love is comics. And I love telling my own stories, the connection there is just something I can't explain, I just LOVE it

Without that connection, it's really hard to finish something, or get started on it, and it makes commissions REALLY hard for me to do, they're SUPER draining. It also makes things other than patreon/ko-fi hard to make stuff for b/c like, I just wanna comics. All day, every day.

But the more niche I realize that I am, the more it's like "ah crap, comics don't pay well, they take REALLY long to make, how am I gonna support my family on comics" and then it's like, well, I know where my heart lies at least, but the collapse of things is just always there

It's funny b/c I know that my stories wouldn't be what they are without my brain and how it works, but also I would be so much more productive and be able to work on more things and probably support my family better without the ADHD. So eyyy, it is what it is I guess lol XD

So...yay! But also like... oh no ^_^;;

[magnus-rhymes-with-swagness]

hi yeah so to this day i’m still thinking about the direct aftermath of the betrayal. about how we still don’t know exactly what happened - maybe the movie will give us some backstory! obviously we know the long-term effects of it, but what happened directly after the button was pushed? like did ambrosius realize what he’d done at first? was there instant horror and regret the moment it happened? or did it take a moment to register that he’d blown off ballister’s arm?

and how long did it take ambrosius to realize that the worst mistake of his life had been by design, planned all along? how long before he realized it was never really his fault, but rather the director’s? was it right after he’d stood up in the arena only to find that ballister was still on the ground, or was it a slow reconciliation with the truth that stretched across years?

and about the feud/breakup itself, too - how much of it was pushed by the director and the news, and how much was it ballister himself, rightly angry that he’d been betrayed? how many times did ambrosius try to tell ballister it was an accident before it became clear ballister didn’t believe him, and how many times after that was he just repeating himself over and over? did he ever mention that he’d tried to help, that he’d seen the spreading pool of blood and tried to rush over, only to be held back? did anybody ever find out that beneath the triumphant, untouchable king’s champion was a scared and bitter young knight, forever regretting something that was out of his control from the very beginning? that the price of his victory was so, so much higher than a broken lance and an arm?

what would it feel like, i wonder, to be a golden boy on a pedestal, exalted as a hero but despised by the person who mattered most to you? to be rewarded with fame and glory and a statue in the town square for something you never even meant to do, something that ruined everything? to be celebrated for the worst thing you ever did, crowned king’s champion and gilded in the eyes of the whole kingdom but knowing their approval means nothing compared to the love of the person you’d hurt, someone you’ll probably never get back again because why would you after what you’d done? to get everything you’d ever thought you wanted, at the expense of the one person who mattered most?

[snow-and-saltea]

sorry imma put this one on here, i wanna reply to it but i won't be able to without watering down my intent, and if i do my point loses its weight

edit: nvm LMFAO i worded it nicely in the end, under the cut tho cus this is mf long

(context: in this chapter of a manhwa, the sister of a criminal who attempted to kill the main protagonist talked with her and told her about how her other brother died in interrogation for being part of the revolutionary group against the monarchy. his death was happening in tandem with the main character's violin recital, of which her father left his duty from interrogating the brother, just so he could attend. it was framed in such a way to show how oblivious she was to the political climate surrounding her, how her privilege kept her sheltered, and how even when the criminal's sister went to their gates she was detained and shooed away and dismissed as "causing a fuss". their eyes meet from the MC being up high on the balcony, and the woman from down low past the fences, officers manhandling her into going away as she was a commoner and could be seen as an ally to her brother as part of the revolutionary party. the woman says specifically that she doesn't think that the mc is guilty, she just wants her to know what happened. and the mc reflects on all of this and realises how clueless she's been, how sheltered of a life she had that, until now, she couldn't find the common thread between the two of them, and she starts crying and apologising. later on, when she calms down, the weight of her privileged birth and its responsibilities hits her, and she's steeling herself, and the chapter ends.)

first of all. hmmm?? "what exactly is the FL's fault"? of course, if we were to go by straightforward, linear logic, SHE hasn't done anything wrong. she never ordered her dad to kill people. she doesn't even know people are dying. no one has been put under harms way by her direct actions. all these things would be enough to clear your conscience.... if you are a child, that is.

if you are an adult, like she is, you will eventually realise that you have the power to impact people and things and your surroundings. if you are an adult with a moral conscience, you will feel BAD about your obliviousness to others' suffering that makes you rethink about what your blindspots in perception are; how could i have missed something so vital - how long has this been going on - why did this continue to happen? and this is the stage she is getting at. by our estimates as modern people living in modern world standards, it is very late to be living this long and not realise that you are not the only unique occupant of the world, blind to other people's perspectives. but that's besides the point, because everyone has their own path and pace to follow. it doesn't matter how long it took to get here, we're just glad you're here now to do the good work with us.

do you not feel some sort of revulsion knowing that a family member of yours is acting in immoral ways, and you've been the unwitting beneficiary to that immorality? does it not burden you with responsibility when you realise you could have had multiple opportunities to speak out against the hurt being inflicted onto others, while you were in a position to do so safely and without extreme repercussion? THAT is what she's feeling. she knows that she technically do anything wrong, but she didn't do anything right, either. and it is not enough to know suffering exists, but to strive to heal it, whenever you are able.

this is obviously a fictional story so it doesn't have to be that deep; except it can be, and it's trying to be, because this story is set after the revolution has toppled over the monarchy, so themes like classism, privilege of birth and how to quantify someone's 'value' will be present.

nevermind i wrote all of this but i got so heated instead that i actually managed to write a pretty polite sounding response to the comment, leading with curiosity abt their perspectives and trying to sound friendly and Open to Discussion. the proofreader in me will never die as long as im pissed off at people but trying to find a constructive way of communicating that upset 💪😎👍

anyways. this is what i wrote instead

i don't do zines these days but my proofreader ability for real saves my ass so many times in writing communication. fr i think i would've made some very regretful choices if i were trigger happy ajdhskdjkdjd i'm quite satisfied w what i wrote, i lined out what i got different from them and expressed curiosity on their perspective, posited positives to recontextualize things so that i'm not just going "no ur wrong and Here's Why", gently went "we can agree to disagree!" and remained pretty lighthearted throughout, with no accusatory or pointed language. i'm p proud of myself!! i am able to engage in discussions without pissing myself and other people off!! hurray!!

[biolums]

raspberry tamarind blue sour patch kid (im only half joking)

ARCHER!!!!!!!!:!;!?&,&, WAIT ARE YOU ACTUALLY A PISCES

( 🤝 raspberry tamarind. thats me with you too)

[poppy-metal]

HI POPPY u js reminded me to send it to u bc i forgot…anyway

thinking ab being tashi’s girl that she shares with art because she knows how much of a schoolgirl crush i have on him….so much so that i tense up and stumble over my words whenever he’s around <3 turning beet red when he gets just a bit too close <3 cause he’s just…so big…nd tall nd strong!!!! it’s obvious to tashi, but for art, not so much. he assumes that you’re just intimidated by him (which you are— but more turned on than anything), which leads to him making it his mission to get closer to you. to show you that there’s not anything to be scared of. which works at first, until you get bolder. and then you start asking things like, “can i feel your arm? it’s just really big.” and “how often do you work out?” art thinks you’re the cutest thing, so curious and innocent. that you’re just so small compared to him, so of course you’re gonna ask questions. it takes tashi telling him straight up, like “she wants to fuck you, art.” for him to catch on. “you should do it. it’d be easy, so easy. you could hold her down, bully your way into her tight little hole…she’s never taken anything bigger than my strap before, you could be the one to break her in.” she’d spur him on for days. and as much as art hates to admit it, it worked. neither of you quite remember the details of the build up, but what you do remember is him having you face down, absolutely wrecked. i’m talking mascara tracking down your face, hair disheveled, spit pooling around the sides of your mouth. you remember how he practically forced himself into you, how the stretch hurt so good. he was so so so mean to you, and you loved it. and it’s art, so of course it didn’t take much for him to get addicted to fucking your sweet little cunt. even at events, he’d pull you off to give you his load, stuffing u nice n full <33 literally my dream

RAHHHHHHHH

being tashi's little girlfriend and having a crush on her husband in my favorite <3333 she's so totally okay with him fucking you, but you're both on the reserved side - she has to be the puppetmaster, as always. stroking arts cock late at night, kissing his neck, telling him how tight and wet you are - how you're so submissive and eager to please and how he's so pent up, isn't he? doesn't get to batter that big cock how he's meant to inside a warm hole because that's just not their dynamic, and that's fine - but doesn't he want to? isn't he interested? in just pounding a tight cunt into the mattress. you'd let him. you'd beg for it -

he paints her knuckles in his cum and tashi holds her hand up - tells him he could be pushing this mess inside you if he wanted.

art wants.

so art takes - a few weeks later, when the boiling pot tips over and you've worn one too many mini skirts and tight blouses, with nipples poking through like little tight pebbles - alone in their big house - manufactured, by tashi - and as she suspected, it only takes a few glasses of wine before art has you bent over a couch with your panties around your ankles and his cock pushing inside - gritting his teeth. his ringed hand gripping your waist to tug you back into his thrusts.

you can't stop telling him how big he is - how good he feels - and it fills brain with static, he's never felt this kind of praise before - this kind of control. he goes a bit wild with it - snapping his hips against your pert little ass and watching his cock dissappear in and out -

"so fucking tight - so fucking good - holy shit -"

he could become addicted to this. he'll beg tashi to let him have this again and again if he has to.

[xotication]

☆,

gamer bf kaneki..

he def plays ow, val, cod, & fort.. all the sluttiest games a man can play.

trust he sweats in each game too.

he'd be caught dead before he's ever bad at a game ..

he literally spends most of all his days gaming, it's a lil insane how much he just lets it rot his brain

he never rage quits but he screams so much & it's hilarious

eventually he realizes that he hasn't given you any attention & tells his friends that he has to get off for a couple hours, just for you

ken decides to start streaming one day & that day marked your fucken demise

he sets up a hand & face cam.. when you're against it, he's so confused.

you're sat there for at least ten minutes explaining to him how girls will go feral for this

one day you tune into his stream & you see multiple comments like "for free??" "wish he'd play with me" "why's he kinda.." "the veins.."

on one hand you're jealous, but on the other- you're happy knowing that he's your boyfriend

"baby can you bring me some water please" ken says in the softest voice ever, it damn near has you topple over nd roll around

you bring it to him nd he thanks you with a couple pecks

the chat is going absolutely wild?? both over his voice & him actually not being single

but what could they expect?

ken was a good looking, handsome, pretty, charming boy.. & literally every other word you could think of

he always had that sleepy look & he usually paired it with blue light glasses that made him look all the more nerdy

sometimes he'd even be shirtless & his collarbone would have you gasping for air

on some days ken didn't care about streaming

he'd sit you next to him or even on him & just have you watch him play

he'd look towards you after hitting the nastiest shots/clips on kids to make sure you saw it

some days you ask him if he wants to play minecraft with you & he never objects.. he will always make time for you when you ask for it

he introduces you to the game "it takes two" and streams when the two of you play

everyone ends up loving the dynamic you have & the way you treat each other

eventually chat starts suggesting that ken teaches you how to play the other try hard games.. so he starts with the easier one: fortnite

you think to yourself why any of them thought this would be easy for you bc it has you screaming for kaneki's help half the time you get into a close combat gunfight

he tries teaching you how to build & you end up putting random walls & stairs everywhere

he just laughs at you bc he genuinely finds it easy & can't seem to understand why it's difficult for you ??

"no sweetheart, you actually have to have structure behind your building" "i'm fucken trying ken??" "not hard enough??" "ok then you do it???"

bro builds an 8 story mansion in 20 seconds and it has you gagged

whole chat is like "were you silent or were you silenced..??"

when you start wanting to take gaming a lil more seriously, he teaches you how to play on mouse nd keyboard just like him

he even buys you a cute lil setup, & ofc its right next to his

when he introduces you to val, all the pick me's are targeting ken & it's funny asfk when they find out his gf is in the game too

they're all like "you're shit at the game anyway stfu" like HUHH?? mad bc he ain't yours lmao

also can i mention that ken is a proud "shit on" SCREAAAAMER

he has your initials in different colored keys than the rest of his keyboard

holds one of your stuffed animals on his lap when you're away from home

jokingly asks you for support under the desk (its not a joke..)

[av1xtg]

It's so funny to me that it's so obvious when I get a new hyperfixation because everything everywhere for example tis blog suddenly turns to what ever hyperfixation I have. . .

NOW I WANNA TALK ABOUT HUSK AND MY HEADCANONS FOR HIM BECAUSE THAT SILLY GRUMPY OLD-MAN CAT IS TAKING OVER MY BRAIN (contains a bit of huskerdust and bad grammar because english is not my first language but I have no respect for it so /j)

So I fully headcanon that husk has the most un organised and dirty room for some reason, like he never even bothered decorating it.

He hates baths and oils and stuff like that because it's really hard to take off from his wings and fur.

He refused to wash his hands with water and he cleaned his hands like cats do before eating food or serving drinks so charlie forced him to at least use wet wipes (idk how to write tht but hope you understand it)

He loves old fashioned love songs, usually mumbles some lyrics he still remebers while working and the others like to hear his singing.

The fluffies fluff ever, he doesn't really use any products (only dry shampoo from time to time) AND STILL HIS FUR IS EXTREMLY FLUFFY.

He got extremly bad body dismorfia when he arrived at hell.

The others tease him alot whenever he does any cat sounds.

Instead of a glass of water on his nightstand he had a bottle of whiskey or any other alcohol.

If he's in the mood (and charlie asks nicely + a day off) he might do some magic tricks to entretain the other guests.

Whenever he speaks spanish he always calls evryone pendejo (as a mexican that is also my favorite curse word I gotta add that). Like him and vaggie are fighting and she desn't know he speaks apanish so she starts insuting him in spanish and he goes "CALLATE LA PINCHE BOCA PENDEJA TUERTA" (traduction: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU FUCKING ONE EYED WOMAN) and she shuts up because she didn't expect that. (Now they speak in spanish together sometimes)

One time Sr. Pentious gave him catnipp because angeldust dared him to and husk went WILD. Like everyone was laughing nd half th hotel was filled with cat scratchs while husk followed Sr.Pentious who was escaping with the catnip in hand from him kind of wild.

He wants hugs and he won't admitt it.

Used to be a bit to proud as an overlord which is also half the reason why he lost to alastor.

Fucker cries a lot and won't admitt it because he already stablished to everyone that "I don' give a shit about anything and fuck y'all" and now he just can't.

He falls asleep a lot during work because he is drunk.

He owns a phone but uses it like a grandma, he puts on the glasses to read and everything

He once had a very bad night and got EXTREMELY DRUNK and ended up doing a karaoke with charlie and Sr Pentious.

Alastor would ocationaly take him to the Overlords meetings as his "body guard" and he would get extrembly embarrased because everyone recognised him and he knew they all thought of him as a failure for being an Overord who lost his own soul to Alastor and was now forced to obey him.

Thanks to loser,baby I think Husk may be a pet names man (affectionatelly both romantic and just with friends)

Husk reminds me a bit of "No surprises" by radiohead (i don't really know how to explain it but yeah)

I think his relationship with angel (romantically speaking) would be really gentle like, cuddles, hugs, little kisses, cause he wants to show that romantic relationships don't always need to have sex included (angel appretiates that)

I feel like they told each other their felling for the other but bth came to the conclution that maybe they are not in the best mental state to get into a relationship at the moment so they asked charlie and vaggie to help a bit.

I have more but this is getting a bit long so I'll make a part two!!!!!!!

(Have some photos of the silly 70 yr old grumpy cat-man)

[catnippackets]

My sister in law and I once had a very deep chat where she told me she's a bit jealous of how I'm "capable" of obsessing over interests; I got the feeling that to her it seemed like a specific type of joy she would never really know. In turn, I told her that even though I sometimes wish it had an off switch, I rlly can't imagine a version of myself thay doesn't get joyfully hyperfixated on things, since it's so intrinsic to my personality/neuro-chemistry.

Anyways, I totally relate to that feeling of detached embarrassment, but it was eye-opening to talk abt it with her and see that A) some people really admire the capacity for such "passion" and B) some people genuinely just can't have that experience, which seems both unthinkable and obvious lol

I genuinely can't imagine a life like that for myself either. I've gone through periods of time before where I wasn't hyperfixated on something and genuinely I felt like...deeply empty the entire time. As soon as something new entered my life to fixate on I felt like myself again. I definitely have interests and hobbies that I enjoy in a very normal non-obsessive way but it feels so different and they don't feel like...sustainable. like I'm just living off of bread and milk. idk how else to phrase that. because the things I always hyperfixate on are tv shows and fictional characters I kind of just assumed it came with the territory of being an artist, cuz as a creator it's like...this is what I'm meant to do with my life, right? I know I'm supposed to be telling stories and creating characters and exploring concepts through fiction so it makes perfect sense that I'm depressed without any source of inspiration or rejuvenation. Cuz it's inspiring as hell to be hyperfixated on something!! it gives me endless energy and inspiration to create and that makes me feel amazing.

most of my friends are ND too but I know some of them aren't the same as me in this regard and they've even expressed similar jealousy that they're not someone who obsesses over things. it's both understandable and so weird to me cuz obviously you can't pick and choose what your brain is gonna latch on to but like...you haven't even had ONE time in your life where you spent years only thinking about one thing? not even once? that's unfathomable to me, that's like my entire life.

and while I definitely do not enjoy the embarrassment of having feelings and how upsetting it can be to constantly be distracted from real life tasks that take priority and also feeling self conscious and wondering if I even have a personality sometimes beyond my fave video games/shows/movies, I'm really glad that I'm someone who can experience it cuz it really does feel like I'm just sitting around and waiting if I don't have a story to think about all the time. sometimes I hear people talk about how stressful and sad it is that they feel so deeply and I'm like yeah I mean sometimes but like...what about the joy. what about all the love. there's nothing sad about it! embarrassing sometimes yeah but that's worth it if it means I get to be so deeply happy and excited! I'll complain from time to time but never in a THOUSAND years would I ever want to change this about myself. I will take all the embarrassing annoying feelings if it means I get to experience pure wild autistic joy haha

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

Adhd Sanzu propaganda because I want to, I already convinced someone:

He's a chaotic gremlin (Not need to explain that).

Same way that happened with Kakucho and Izana. Sanzu's days and life revolve around Mikey (I don't think I need to put examples here). Mikey is Sanzu's special interest and I'm saying it without shame! (Maybe a little bit of shame only)

Sanzu doesn't have sociallization skills. At all. But in a specific way that gives me adhd vibes (putting the trauma a part). Sanzu as a kid is sweet but weird. We can see him not reacting to Baji's tantrums in a way that yeah, can be bc he's used to, but also, his focus is not there. He's awkward in a way that makes me think that he's used to not fit in, to be look as a weirdo every time he talks. So he does the "I'm not gonna talk at all because when I do people hates me". Then, as a teen no division wants him because he's "a wild horse". Excuse me? Have you seen half of Toman? It's because he's weird and doesn't fit in, the wild part would not bother them so much on it's own.

Sanzu doesn't have a middle point. He's always extreme. When he followed Muto became extremly quiet and calm, almost like a shadow (again, it could be literal thinking of the orders Muto gave him).

His weird poses once he's not hiding himself anymore. All the Bonten scene, he's just doing his show, talking too much, too loud and too fast.

All the energy he have also in Kanto Manji. He's so hyped with being with Mikey. Acting loud, being weird and saying things that are only funny in his head bc he forgot to explain the joke (besides the cryptic timeleaping things I mean).

I know in Bonten and Kanto Manji Sanzu is unhinged, but there is something in the way he does it, not caring at all if people gets him or not. It screams adhd "fuck you all i'm not masking anymore" mood so badly!

The katana. The freaking katana is so over the top and so dramatic. And he obviously cares about his katana a lot, he never drops it in the fight against Toman, not even when Taiju sends him flying.

The teatricals of his plans in general. He kills Mucho with a katana in the place where the Kanto Incident took place. And he takes his mask after doing it. Such dramatic and aesthetically pleasing way of killing people.

The train. Hello? This is not NT thinking. Killing everyone, okay, sure. But with a train? What? And he brings his katana just in case? No middle point legendary level here.

He plans chaos. He literally thinks for days how to do the most random and chaotic unhinged thing ever! (The train, the train!)

He have literal thinking. Mikey told him to "smile" so he does it once he's finally serving his king. A big grinn all the time.

His addiction. Since adhd brains don't have impulse control, we tend to be addicts more than the average (I know this part doesn't prove it but it checks too).

The way he have so much beef with people that is happening only in his head. Yeah, he's a hater. But also, I can see a lot of rejection sensitive dysphoria and overthinking because he's mind is telling him everyone would reject him.

He was childhood friends with Mikey and Baji. No one is neurotypical there xD

Visual stimulation. Bright pink and so many vivid/strident colors. C'mon, his bike is pink and pretty! That aesthetic makes my adhdbrain happy. He's obsessed with pink in a not at all NT way.

He's hypersensitive and can't handle some smells (Takemichi, I'm so sorry for you).

Twisted sense of danger over here too. But different than Kakucho. Where Kakucho runs towards danger, Sanzu is the one causing it directly.

Sanzu being banned from meetings in the final timeline. Because he doesn't know when to shut up since he never did masking here.

THE UNMASKING METAPHOR! I left this one for the last because I just realized yesterday and it's beautiful. When he enters the 5th Division, he stops being loud and wild (he's still weird bc Sanzu). The same moment he starts wearing the mask. There is something there, a ND teen who doesn't fit, who is tired and just want to be like the others, being told to "just do that for not driving so much attention on you". And he does it. He wears the physical mask and he starts acting different, doing masking (not literal this time). Until he frees himself of the physical mask. And he stops masking his symptoms, his full personality. He doesn't give a shit anymore about getting too much attention, he's so sick of hiding, that he thrieves in attention now (even in the final timeline does that, he's a youtuber). Unmasking legendary level! (And hardcore masking when he does it)

Edit bc I was sure I wrote this but apparently not: Sanzu has no interest in forming new relationships either. Like Kakucho with Izana, he only does with Mucho because Mikey told him to. But even if he has zero interest in forming new bonds, he's still the center of attention (after unmasking), still being there loudly, being a big part of what marks the dynamic of the group. The "I don't wanna make new friends" but "I can't stop talking and being loud in a group", also a classical adhd mood!

So... I think that's all I can't think for now. It's probably messy and chaotic but hey, it's a post about adhd, so that's fine, right? 🙈

@just-sp-in-inginthevoid spreading adhd!Sanzu like I promise.

Ps: here is the Autistic Kakucho Propaganda in case someone is curious. This two are a pack and they hate it so much 🤣

[starheirxero]

ok [squeeze emoji]

first of all . the graphics?? im 99% sure this is on purpose but the style nd the way everythings built reminds me of doom. its like if doom was true 3d and didnt confuse me. also i like all the blood sprays and the guts everywhere but thats just bc i like blood and guts and gore

AND THE SOUNDS . first thing i noticed getting into the game was that you can hear v1 moving around nd its a detail i really appreciate. other than just being cute i really like the constant reminder that "hey ur a robot"

soundtrack also fits in this part i love the soundtrack it scratches an itch in my brain and gets me so hyped up i have to take breaks to literally jump around to regulate it

also it feels so good to play and im playing on lenient rn because we are certified Bad at shooters but i keep doing cool shit by accident and getting up into the high tiers on the style meter . i can sense that theres a lot of depth in the combat im not getting but its ok ill get there <3 my current strategy is to use up all my ricochet shots and then just shoot em a couple more times til it comes back. nd maybe punch if they get too close. any healing is purely incidental

putting ur asks in this order BUT EYUAYSYAYAYA!!!! The game is defs inspired by old shooters like that, but also fun fact!! an in-universe explanation for it is that v1 turned down its camera quality to save more energy on its descent through hell :D

AND SOUNDSSS YESYESYES!!!! i didn't even think about that that's such a good way to think of it yes!!!!! THE SOUNDTRACK TOO UGH LITERALLYYYY ultrakill is almost known for its bomb ass soundtrack and honestly it just gets better and better through the levels LMAO

AND ALSO THAT'S SO REAL I GET YOU ENTIRELY AHAKAHD I'm bad at aiming for the coins so I've never been able to use the ricochet gun but ever since I got the nailgun I have been using almost nothing Except that LMAO. AND YEA OMG the combat has soso many lil things to do and there's gunna be new weapons with the next update too(CHAINSAW JOY!!!!!!) and i've never rlly been able to get it either but genuinely if u look at p-rank speedruns (especially for bosses) people will do style tricks never before seen by man and its wild HAJAHSJDN

[monstersinthecosmos]

mother wounds & maker wounds !

So I’ve talked before about generational trauma with vampires and the nature vs nurture aspect of how some of it is behavior, but how maybe the Blood can create an epigenetic thing too that’s just gonna be baked in forever.

BUT LATELY I’ve been daydreaming a lot about the concept of The Mother Wound and how it applies to vampires!!!! And like when you read about Mother Wounds it’s described as generational trauma and it gets brought up a lot that it can be part of family cycles, ie: I raised my child this way because my mom raised me this way, ad infinitum. So I’m interested in looking at like, how the behavior of makers influences their fledglings and what types of assumptions we can make about what it does to you.

And I think if you take any vampire from the books you can kinda ask how it applies, how was their turning traumatic, how did the combination of their deadbeat maker + inherent personality influence their lives and their OWN fledglings. Like, Lestat and Armand for example have extremely different personalities and handled Maker Trauma differently. Lestat continues to breed because he is so desperate for love and afraid of losing people, vs Armand is convinced he’ll be a terrible maker and that it isn’t worth it to hurt your child, so he doesn’t bother. (Except that one time where it became a self-fulfilling prophecy bc he didn’t know how to deal with it after.) Armand is completely cynical about the entire concept that you could have a healthy relationship with your maker because he’s seen it fall apart at every level, from down in the dregs of existence in the cult beneath the cemetery, the meaningless decadent vampires of the Théâtre who barely understand immortality, and all way the up to the absolute ideal of civility and domestic mainstreaming that he got to experience with Marius.

I just find it wild how like, within VC where we are working with Big Brained Vampire Feelings and relationships that exist outside social constructs because of it, which makes the lines between parent/maker/lover very blurry. The love the vampires have for each other is so all encompassing and bigger than human labels & social roles (ie YOU ARE MY EVERYTHING), and yet as a maker you still have a responsibility to usher your fledgling into immortality in a way that doesn’t COMPLETELY TRAUMATIZE THEM and so few of them actually know how to do it.

There’s something hopeful about human relationships in the way we (at least my aro-ace ND ass does, don’t @ me) see the permanence of relationships and the way we measure the hierarchy of loss. Like the way we respect the pain of a romantic breakup and don’t talk about the pain of a friend breakup. It kind of tells us that friendships or romantic relationships can be fleeting, but family bonds are supposed to be permanent. It’s the same way people leaving abusive families or refusing to respect older relatives are shamed for harming the sacred family unit. So it makes me wonder like, when you think of a Maker/Fledgling relationship, especially in a universe where they might live forever, where do we put the permanence of this relationship and how to we romanticize its longevity? The solution in the later books of turning fledglings as a favor to each other seems to be a huge progression for them and a way to avoid some of this. It puts more boundaries between Maker and Lover, where the Maker is providing your life and immortality and doesn’t need to be there for the rest of it.

And especially because of the barrier, it’s like, you CANT be here for the rest of it. You lose the ability to ever truly know each other again. You have to actually develop your verbal communication for this to work and so many of these characters are too fucked up and not ready to do that hhaha. I think there’s a lot of substance in here about like, relating to parents as adults and how that relationship shifts when you grow up. Something similar happens when  you turn someone, maybe, like you’ve given them life and now you don’t know each other anymore. And yet something very antithetical to being a mother when you’ve taken their life in the same moment. HMM.

I just really like the way the universe presents these relationships and how complicated they are. Or maybe they’re decidedly uncomplicated because everyone is just “everything” to you. Your maker is your parent and your lover and your companion, they are your everything. It’s only complicated when you try think about it like a human.

Still, anyway, for funsies. Thinking a lot about Maker Wounds today and how it affected Armand, and how it affected his future relationships and sense of self worth. 😊

 I was reading this article on PsychologyToday.com about mother wounds if you wanna read it and learn more about what they are and what they do to you and how you fix them haha. BUT FOR FUNSIES, WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU CTRL+F AND REPLACE TO VAMPIRE WORDS?? 

 The best way to think of the maker wound is a loss or a lack of makering. This is typically a deficit in the maker-fledgling relationship that is passed down through generations, and it is a reflection on how we have experienced parenting and how we parent. While not a specific diagnosis, it is a way of looking at how current codependency behaviors may be linked to missing elements in the past.

(Lol MAKERING good word)

So anyway I’m thinking about this concept a lot regarding Armand and I’m sure you could really take any set in the series and look for some of these patterns. But my main thing about Armand that I think harmed him the most was that

- Marius was very rigid with the person he expected Armand to be 

- Marius never rescued him.

When you look back at some of the times Marius was especially cruel to him (I always think about when he hits Armand for crying about his dad or whatever lol) and like all of Marius’s bullshit about I WANT YOU TO CHALLENGE ME … but wait not like that ! it’s like, was Armand just floundering with the cult and wondering what he did wrong?  (See also: Armand’s defectiveness schema haha)

It’s a loss he can experience twice—on one hand, if he didn’t think Marius survived the fire, there’s no reason to think that he would worry about this aside from dealing with the grief of losing his maker. But if he believed Marius was strong enough to make it, or if he had any indication that Marius survived, that gives him a few hundred years to feel bad about himself and wonder if he’s not worth saving. Then of course, when he learns that Marius is alive (from Lestat’s book?) he can go through it again. 

Like there’s always going to be two sides to a reunion like that. Half might be: I’m so happy that you’re alive, and the other half is: Wait you were alive that whole time and never came to get me wtf

I feel like Armand’s early life and even his centuries in the cult are so rich with trauma and grief, though. He loses and loses and loses. He was devout as a human, ready to dedicate himself to living in caves, and it makes me wonder if the cult felt right to him, like he got there anyway. Maybe he looked at his time with Marius as a brief period of sin. It’s no wonder that he doesn’t know how to fuckin behave haha. 

But you look back at what happened with Marius and it makes sense that some of his wounds and insecurities show up the way they do. 

 These types of feelings reduce self-esteem, feelings of self-worth, and feelings of worthiness to have a positive relationship. Individuals with a maker wound always feel incomplete and lacking in their ability to connect with others, while also having deeply rooted feelings about the need for perfection and control.

It feels kinda similar to the way Louis is like GUY WHO IS TURNED WHILE SUICIDAL, like they all have something that kinda sticks with them, I think. Like something about their mortal lives that gets written into their personality. Armand was not rescued! 

Here’s some other fun stuff from the article:

Signs of the Maker Wound

·  Never feeling they had their maker's approval or acceptance

·  Concerns about not being loved by their maker or not being loved as much as other siblings or family members

·  Difficulties in relating to the maker on an emotional level

·  Uncertainty about the relationship with the maker and if it could be lost with a mistake or an accident

·  Always trying to do better or to be perfect, to attempt to gain your maker's attention and acceptance

·  Feelings of having to protect, care for, or shelter your maker rather than them protecting, caring for and sheltering you

It’s funny like most of what we know about Armand’s relationships and how he behaves in them is from everyone’s POV except his own. So it’s almost like unfair to try to figure out how he is, how he feels, what last effect abandonment has on him when we’re not hearing it FROM HIM. But it’s like oscillates between being a needy baby or being a weird monster. I’m thinking of like, the “Love me” and pathetic way he threw himself at Lestat & Gabrielle, also the way he takes charge as a cult leader, also the way he introduced himself to Daniel. I just think there’s such a deep need for acceptance, but when that fails or when he’s too afraid to be vulnerable he’s gotta just be rigidly in control to cope with it. 

Anyway I don’t have a graceful offramp here, I just wanted to yell about this a little LOL. Also I wanna share one more bit from the article because it feels really potent to me:

These are makers who may provide for the physical needs of the fledglings, and even interact with the fledglings in a positive way, but simply do not provide the deep love and attention that all fledglings require. They may not have been abusive or neglectful, and they may never have engaged in negativity in their relationships with the fledglings, but they were also always distant and less tuned-into the emotional needs of their fledglings.

This one sums them up the most to me, I think. Like the way Marius provided for him even when it’s maybe not exactly what he needed. Giving him every material luxury he could need but slapping him because he’s sad. It’s such an enormous pressure to live up to. 

Rewinding back it’s so interesting because when you look at it as a family pattern like, Marius was abandoned by his maker too, even if it was a different circumstance. Marius would have also had to go through that loss more than once; if he ever imagined Teskhamen survived and couldn’t find him, or if he ever wondered why Teskhamen didn’t come to him sooner. Especially a vampire like Marius who was so known in the vampire world, and someone like Teskhamen who had connections to the Talamasca. But there’s sort of a thing here of like, my maker didn’t teach me how to vampire, I had to figure it out myself. But then he fucks up with Armand so bad that Armand falls into the “my dad sucks so I wouldn’t be a good dad” space. 

It kills me that we don’t know more about what happened with Daniel, when they drifted apart, how he wound up with Marius, etc. I tend to wonder if Armand fulfilled his own destiny by convincing himself he’d be a bad maker to the point where he barely tried. 

And where does that leave Daniel with all of this? Idk.

The thing ultimately that makes these stories so fantastical is that they have all the time in the world to heal, to grow, to get past grudges. This is what the article lists as solutions on how to heal this wound:

·  Exploring the feelings of the inner child and allowing those feelings of being ignored, unloved, unwanted, or not valued to be expressed in a safe, therapeutic environment.

·  Learning to validate and love ourselves creates a positive emotional and mental picture of our lives as they are in the present time, letting go of the past concept of self-developed by our interactions with our maker.

·  Setting boundaries—creating a relationship with the maker that is based on your needs and the ability of the maker to change and contribute to your emotional needs in a healthy, positive, and fulfilling way.

I wonder if Daniel has a hand in that, in bringing the two of them together. 

Personally I’ve always felt like, I don’t “””ship””” Armand & Marius because I think they’re awful for each other lol but there’s just so much unhealed baggage here. But, like I was saying, vampire relationships are so different from the real world. I would love if they could simply coexist, be there for each other as needed, love each other safely. I’ve talked enough so I don’t want to get distracted with like all the work they’d have to do to fix it and how they’d have to build a new version of their relationship that exists in the present but it’s nice to see that there’s a way through and I hope Daniel can help them.

I WONDER WHAT DANIEL’S FLEDGLINGS WILL BE LIKE — !!  🥸

[ryuuseirune]

i just wanted to drop in and say i really appreciate your lest/dylas content qwq 🙏🙏✨ just love fishboy so much but specifically in a queer nd kinda way

thank you so much 😭 💓 I'm glad there are others queer nd people who love this ship!! it feels very satisfying to know I'm not the only one still shipping them after all these years lol. Dylas charmed me almost a decade ago and now my brain is hard-wired to think of Dylas/Lest whenever i see romance..... wild how that works 🥹

[mirpkechi]

1, 17, 23, & 24 for the asks?

aaaa thank you !!!!! these questions are honestly really really good, and i love it when things make me actually have to stop and think :} !!!

1. what's your favourite colour ?

despite being the ask that's meant to be the easiest,, it's hard to choose :') i think either deep, wine red or black :}!!!

17. do you like the taste of blood ?

mm. kinda ? my blood tastes ever so slightly less metallic compared to what it was like as a kid [anaemia goes wild ........],, but overall it doesn't bother me ? i neither love nor hate it :}

23. would you rather be burnt at the stake but die a saint beloved by all, or die peacefully, but have nobody remember you ?

i'd rather be burnt at the stake ... the idea of being forgotten is something that terrifies me so much, and even if these are just hypothetical [i hope?.?.??],, i don't think i'd ever like to be forgotten. i'd rather endure the pain and be remembered for whatever honourable act that i had done .. :33

24. would you rather eat part of a human heart or a whole human eye ?

okay hear me out this is /purely/ based on symbolism nd no common sense so id go for the heart <3

id love to go for the heart and consume a person's centre of emotions and their passion, what so many people consider to be their core. and especially since people tend to have the internal conflict between their head and their heart [often with them saying that like. their heart has the option they truly want, and their brain is only working based on emotion], i'd honestly want nothing more than to pry into it and taste it. nd tbh god knows what it'd to to me as a person,,......

to consume a person's eyes would be like seeing the world through their eyes, from their perspective their worldview nd like. dont get me wrong i love that!!!!!!! but also as a big anatomy nerd who's obsessed with the heart nd circulatory system i think i knew what id end up choosing ...... :'}

THANK YOU FOR THE ASK!!!!!!! :3333

[nerice]

Had the weirdest dream about your universe/OCs/idek!!!!!

Somehow me n my partner found a giant egg in the woods. And in this dream I knew all about ur OCs and in my mind I was instantly like „THAT‘S NOAH IN THIS EGG OMG!“. But I could not talk about my knowledge since I was under some kind of spell. Yeah. We took that egg home.

That’s when it got rlly weird lol.

You (in the sense of you running this blog) appeared and knocked on our apartment door. You were dressed like an old druid and were like „I live here now“. And me n my partner were like „weird but okay“. Once again I knew everything and was like „!!!! That‘s Elia!!!! They want to make sure we take care of the egg and protect it!!!!“ but I still couldn’t say something due to the spell. And you made sure to be rlly vage with what you said to us since you also couldn’t drop the entire lore on us due to a spell you were under. And I tried to be like „!!!! My guy!!!! I know everything!!!!“ but it didn’t work.

Then there was this evil cooperation(TM) that somehow found out we found the egg. And they wanted the egg too to turn Noah into a weapon to use against the current ruler of the planet. So you gave us the mission to break into the cooperation‘s HQ and destroy it so that they would stay away and not hurt the egg. My partner n I made it into HQ and found the control room. And right before we pressed the „destruction button“ I woke up.

Hope this silly dream made you smile and you have a speedy recovery <3

noah is EGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fucking wild that you're dreaming abt my ocs i need some of whatever juice you're having <33

also you will be delighted to learn that i do have this au!!!!! kind of. amorphous immortality research setting nickname code:metallia which is so ancient it doesn't even have a tag (it was huge in 2010-14 me's brain from before i oc dumped on here lol) can't overshare bc rsi typing restrictions but the basic setup is. alternate reality where true rulers don't exist and the nerice research team tm is trying to make their own gods. the original plot of it was very tide family centric (jumie gets fridged at the start for once lol) and most of the other immortal-adjacent ocs are in some way being used or created in the process of this research. i haven't actively worked on it since 2014 though and that was pre-moon lore overhaul so i can't say much more abt it here & now :x

// nd smol recovery update before i void again >>

it's going (slow) but it's Going. wld be faster if i didnt aggravate my body all the time w/ ill-advised writing or the shittiest sketches known to man but if i don't [ocs] i die u_u im leaving two unrelated fun facts on this post which is a) the secret eliada lore corner finally has a tag >:3 and b) i am working on an improved oc site (read: 3 sentences a day. agony) but maybe i can share it eventually even if i'm not actively here! i'm only ~ca 7% done though so this is a "hopefully before 2025" type eta gmfkmg. if nothing else i will be here in late june 2 document my elden ring sote madness o7

[idcbabyialreadylostmymind]

HELP I need help okay so my brain just started to pour ideas out cause shes just built like that 💪🏼 anyways

Im listening to music as i write them out and Love Grows came on yk the one that goes 'she ain't got no money, her clothes are kinda funny, her hair is kinda wild and freeee oh but love grows where my Rosemary goes and nobody knows like me'

Nd idk if i wanna write a fic based from the song for Kiri or Neteyam and Rosemary would be y/n in this situation pls help me babes

Heres the song

[the-delta-quadrant]

there's so much to be said about lateral ableism coming from neurodivergent people. like appropriating the term "blindness" for a distorted perception of time, thinking they're too good for the word "disabled", describing things as l*me, using neurodivergence as an excuse for such ableism, casually forgetting that vision impaired, mobility impaired, deaf/HoH etc. people exist, thinking insulting other people with slurs is "reclaiming" them, actively stigmatise certain ND traits, act as if non-mental illnesses are taken more seriously than mental illnesses, not wearing a mask when able, not writing alt text/captions when able etc.

but the thing you all want to focus on is neurodivergent people stating the simple fact that brains are physical organs and thus neurodivergences are physical disabilities. the thing you want to focus on is neurodivergent people trying to dismantle the ableist idea of the brain as some non-physical entity.

fuckin really? disabled exclusionists are too busy fighting neurodivergent people being anti-ableist than actual ableism. kinda wild.