#like ok this definitely seems irrational to anyone normal but the thought of using

[mwagneto]

EDIT THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO DMED I WILL GET TO ANSWERING ALL OF THEM SOON BUT I GOT LIKE 15 DMS AND I THINK I SOLVED IT. HOPEFULLY. BUT YEAH THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH I LOVE THIS WEBSITE<333333333333

[eliemo]

Guilty Conscience

Summary: Patton knows he’s a hypocrite. Sometimes it’s just so much easier to care about someone else. 

TWs: Mentions of past abuse

Notes: Something small and different to set up some upcoming angst. Sympathetic everyone. Taglist at the bottom

Learned Behavior Masterpost

Patton had always considered himself to be fairly observant. Oblivious sometimes, sure, and he definitely had a habit of trying to ignore the negatives, but he always saw more than he let on. 

Apparently, he wasn’t as observant as he’d thought. 

Everyone had told him not to dwell on it, Virgil especially, and he tried to take their advice. He really really tried. 

And sometimes it worked. Sometimes he could put all his energy into the present, on making things better, on ensuring it never happened again. He could try to fix his mistakes, even if he had no right to be forgiven. 

But there were times when he couldn’t help it, and he found himself sitting up in bed in the dark, replaying old memories over and over again in his head, thinking about everything he’d missed. Every warning sign, every red flag, every silent cry for help he’d been too blind to see. 

Patton often thought about the first time Virgil had joined them for dinner, the night he’d revealed his name in an act of trust. Right after they’d stopped him from ducking out, disappearing completely. 

Sometimes Patton let himself wonder what would have happened if they’d been too late. If they hadn’t even looked for Virgil. If Thomas hadn’t been so dysfunctional without him, he would have been left to fade away to the subconscious. He would have vanished from their lives forever, before they even got to really know him. 

Virgil would have faded without ever experiencing a shred of true kindness. Virgil would disappear still thinking he was meant to be beaten and hated, knowing nothing but fear until the day he died. They would never have been able to show him otherwise, and they never would have known to regret it. 

That first night he’d joined them as more than Anxiety, Virgil wouldn’t even step foot into the kitchen until the food was on the table- and even then he’d looked like he wasn’t sure he was allowed to be there. 

Once they’d all gotten settled down, Virgil had been wide eyed and tense the entire time, watching them all warily like he expected them to poison him. It had taken Patton a moment to realize the anxious side hadn’t even picked up his fork, and another to work up the courage to ask him if something was wrong with the food. 

“It’s fine- I’m ok,” Virgil had said quietly, but Patton had caught the slight tremble in his hands. “I just...sorry, I’m just not...are you actually ok with- with this? With me...eating?” 

And of course, they’d all assumed it was just his anxiety about eating with them properly for the first time, still hesitant to believe they were actually willing to accept him, and Logan had gently assured Virgil that he was more than welcome to eat as much as he wanted. 

Virgil hadn’t eaten very much that night. The same thing happened the next few meals he had with them, hesitant and tense, barely touching his food. Patton had decided not to push, letting Virgil take his time to settle in and get used to the changes. 

He wondered what would have happened if he had pushed, if he’d realized that Virgil hadn’t been sure if he was allowed to eat, convinced he would be hurt if he didn’t ask permission for something so simple. 

It wouldn’t have undone all of the hurt Virgil had already gone through, but Patton would have been able to reassure him sooner. He could have kept himself from lashing out like he had the first time he found out about the treatment Virgil considered normal.  

But there had always been evidence of what had been happening behind the scenes, long before Virgil ever felt safe enough to tell them his name. Little things that had been easy to miss back then, but were so obvious now. 

He’d always been closed off and quiet, but the light sides had just chalked that up to him being...Anxiety. Patton had always been careful to be polite, but now he knew he should have looked closer. 

Virgil had always carefully kept his distance, unusually wary whenever someone would walk into the room, and Patton had seen him trembling a few times one of them got too close. 

The long sleeves and baggy clothes, the times Patton had seen him with a little extra concealer on his face, the way he’d sometimes ask permission to leave the room even when they already saw so little of him. 

Virgil had avoided the kitchen like the plague, too. (Even after they’d learned the real reason why, it still took months to convince him it was safe) Patton had once found him getting a snack in the middle of the night, greeting him with a tired, “Anxiety?” 

Virgil had jumped, stumbling over his words as frantic apologies spilled from his lips, and Patton had been too tired to do much other than quickly reassure him and step away as Anxiety hurried back to his room. 

Virgil hadn’t been able to look Patton in the eyes for a few days after that, always flinching away from any movement when he briefly appeared in the living room, leaving even quicker than usual. Patton had naively assumed he’d just been startled, and wanted some space like usual.  

Patton had been an idiot. He should have seen Virgil was being hurt years ago, not when Virgil had been driven to ask why his new family wasn’t doing the same. 

Patton was always so desperate to keep everyone from focusing on the bad things in life, he’d ended up turning a blind eye to suffering happening right in front of him. Suffering he could have stopped. 

Virgil had only lashed out at them once, but Patton knew he hadn’t meant it. Not really. “You never bothered to talk to me until I was useful, anyway!” 

Virgil had apologized over and over again, convinced he would be hurt for the outburst, but Patton almost wished he hadn’t apologized, that he’d stuck to what he said and believed it. 

Because on nights like this- sitting alone in the dark of his room thinking about how things could have been different- he knew Virgil had been right. 

They hadn’t gotten to know Virgil until they realized they needed him. They hadn’t bothered to look past the aggression drilled into him, never thought to wonder why he was so distant until it was almost too late. 

They’d left him to endure the abuse on his own, when he could have been safe so much sooner if Patton had just looked a little closer.

Virgil didn’t blame him, no matter how much he should. Even after all this time, he still just seemed amazed he was being offered safety at all. 

Patton was glad for that at least. It wouldn’t undo his mistakes, but at least he could hold Virgil close and listen to him breathing, reassuring himself that they hadn’t been too late. Virgil was alive and safe with them. He would never be hurt like that again. 

It helped, but it didn’t do much on these nights. They were less common than they had been in the beginning, but Patton was familiar enough with the racing thoughts to know he wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight. 

He was never able to keep himself from crying, but he’d press his hands tightly over his mouth to muffle any sound. He couldn’t make anyone worry about him- not over this. He wasn’t the one who’d been hurt. 

Patton sighed, the sound small and shaky, wiping at his soaked cheeks as he threw the covers back. There was no use staying in bed with no distractions. He’d get a drink to help his now raw throat, and then put on some hopefully calming music. 

He knew it wouldn’t do much, but it was better than nothing. 

Patton padded down the hallway, wrapped up in his cat hoodie and hiccuping softly from lingering sobs, but when he made it to the kitchen he quickly realized he wasn’t alone. 

There was a single light turned on over the sink, casting the kitchen in a dim, golden glow. Janus was seated at the table with his hands folded in front of him, and even in the poor lighting Patton could see how exhausted he looked.

When he glanced up, mismatched eyes dull and pained, Patton thought he was looking in a mirror. It was hastily concealed in a second, but the guilt and shame held in his eyes was a perfect reflection of Patton’s own.

He knew Janus was being plagued with it too, bombarded by thoughts of everything they missed. All the signs had been right in front of them, and if they’d just thought to look they could have stopped it.

 But instead they were here, kept awake by their own regret, weighed down by the irrational belief that they were the only people who could have ended the abuse. 

“It’s late,” Janus said, too strained to be casual, and Patton knew he’d seen it too. “Do you plan on sleeping anytime soon?” 

Patton smiled sadly, wiping away the residual tears as he made his way into the kitchen. “Not tonight. You...want some tea?” 

Janus shook his head, going back to staring blankly at the table, and Patton didn’t try to change his mind as he silently bustled around the kitchen. He made himself a cup, but made sure there was enough hot water left if the other side changed his mind. 

“Mind if I keep you company, kiddo?” 

Janus scoffed like he usually did at the nickname, but he gestured vaguely at the empty chairs, so Patton took that as a yes. 

He settled down in the seat next to Janus, watching the snake carefully as he sipped at his tea. Watching Deceit at least gave him a distraction from the tightness in his own chest. 

But he knew that look far too well, knew Janus was getting lost in memories and what ifs, and he knew it was tearing him apart. It looked like he hadn’t slept properly in days. 

He took a risk, setting his mug down to gently place his hand over Janus’s own, who eyed him warily in response. Patton smiled, squeezing gently like he did for Virgil. 

“It wasn’t your fault, Janus.” 

For a moment he couldn’t read Deceit’s expression, feeling abruptly vulnerable under his stare, and he was unwittingly reminded of the court case, of being picked apart and turned in circles until he was lost.  

Janus tore his gaze away with a resigned sigh, but he didn’t pull his hand away. “Of course,” he said, sounding unconvinced. “I’ll believe that when you do.” 

Patton winced, tightening his hold without thinking. “It wasn’t...we couldn’t have known. We couldn’t have known.” 

It came out more desperate than he’d intended, like he needed Janus to agree, to reassure him, even if it was just a lie. Patton would settle for lies tonight.

“You couldn’t have known,” Janus corrected, and it only made Patton feel worse. “I...Patton, I watched him lie when he was hurt. I saw the change happen, I watched him close himself off and become...scared. I never knew he was so scared.” 

“You couldn’t--” 

“I ignored it,” Janus snapped. “He pushed me away and lied when he was hurt and I thought...I never thought...I should have gotten him out of there. I could have stopped it from getting that bad.” 

Patton ran his thumb along Janus’s palm, swallowing past the lump in his throat. “He doesn’t blame you.” 

“I know.” His voice came out more of a croak, and Janus scrubbed a hand over his face before continuing. “That just makes it so much better, doesn’t it?” 

Janus was watching him again, eyes sharp like he was reading the moral side like an open book, and Patton resisted the urge to squirm away. He wondered why he could come up with a million reasons why Janus wasn’t to blame, but couldn’t do the same for himself. 

“Maybe sometimes,” he admitted, choosing his words carefully. “But...it’s worth it. It means he feels safe here. With us. He’s...he’s letting us do better this time. You might not think you deserve it yet, but being a family means the world to him. He’ll learn to trust you.”  

Janus wasn’t meeting his eyes anymore, pursing his lips as his free hand ran idly over his scales. “I won’t...there’s nothing I can do that can make up for what I let happen.” 

Patton had gone through this before, back when the shock and hurt had been fresh. He’d had time now to mull it over, to process his guilt, and even after all this time it still popped back up on bad nights. 

Janus had only just found out, still hurting and blaming himself before the people who had actually put their hands on Virgil. 

“I don’t think he wants that,” Patton said. “I think he just...wants to be safe. He wants us all to be safe.”

He felt Janus tighten his hold, watched him take in a shaky breath as his eyes grew shiny from tears pooling in his eyes. He blinked them away before they could fall, and Patton felt his heart break. 

“You can cry, Janus,” Patton said, but he knew it would fall on deaf ears. “You’re allowed to be hurt.” 

“Nothing happened to me.” 

“You weren’t hit,” Patton said. “But you’re hurting. And if Virgil knew, he’d want to help you as much as you want to help him. He’s not angry at us, and he doesn’t want you to go through this alone. No one does. You can...you can ask for help.” 

Janus was quiet for a moment, the silence in the kitchen suddenly deafening. Patton glanced at his tea, wondering if it had gone cold by now. He hadn’t really planned on drinking it in the first place.  

Janus gave a short laugh, sudden and humorless, looking up to meet Patton’s eyes once again. “You first, Morality.” 

Ah. Well...Patton couldn’t argue with that, could he? Not when Janus was looking at him like that, like he could see every lost battle clear as day. Patton wasn’t the only one looking in a mirror tonight. 

“I...suppose I am a bit of a hypocrite,” he admitted, offering a small smile. He always was when it came to things like this. “But I’m alright, Janus. I really am.” 

Deceit sighed, raising his eyebrows in that way he did whenever he caught one of the sides in a lie. “Of course you are, Patton. And so am I.” 

Touche. 

That seemed to be the end of the conversation, the silence that fell no longer feeling quite so forced and heavy, but neither seemed particularly inclined to move. 

Patton dropped his head on Janus’s shoulder before he could think to talk himself out of it, shutting his eyes against the sudden urge to curl up and cry, the weight on his chest close to unbearable. 

Janus only tensed for a second before relaxing slightly, and he didn’t shove Patton away with an annoyed growl, so he figured it was alright if he stayed for a moment. Maybe the comfort would do them both some good. 

At some point, Janus scooted his chair closer to drop his chin on top of Patton’s head, the two of them sitting silently at the kitchen table, letting themselves get buried in their guilt. It was easier to place blame in silence, anyway. 

They stayed that way until the sun began to rise a couple hours later, bathing the kitchen in the pale light of dawn. 

Taglist: @pukingdraws @thefivecalls@self-taught-mess @itawalrus @mygenderisidiot @a-very-gay-raccoon @dawnfire7 @cr4zyart @ray-does-stuff @whydoifeeltheneedtoorganizestuff @bunny222  @the-blue-recluse @bisexualdisaster106 @basilthefourth @snowtrashowl @thefingergunsgirl @trashtm @stubbornness-and-spite @kieraelieson @alias290 @darkch1ld @craz-ewaters @damy-02 @frogdog145 @gattonero17 @madamedraconis @stoicpanther @@love-to-read02 @that-spider-fan-over-there @thatoneloudowl @rich-flower-17 @demigodbookdragon @i-gobymanynames @wyvern-tales @spoopyseason66 @gaylotusthatexists @my-life-is-an-artistic-mess @that-one-fander @alias290 @yalltookmyurlideas @theantisocialghost @dark-strange-daughter @joylessnightsky @nova-galexa @luckymasie @stayarmy321 @starsinger @unhygienic-andy-the-anon @deathdarknessdevils @d-rizzle83 @spoonfullofcrofters @sarcasmremovedsoul @bananabread123443 @alpacadraws @nonbinaryemonugget @espepspes @awesome-and-unique-username @starshinemoonglow @honeybonesvirgil @fandertrash24 @tracingstarlight @sanders-fanders @heartwitchhouse @major-disaster-enby @a-poor-anxious-baby @franticfandomfanatic @the3rdpansexualpanda @a-flying-gay @hermitcreature @darkle-elkrad @coaltail121 @i-really-like-dragons @blagi @the-daydreamers-rebellion @alexxadontplaydespasito @coaltail121 @arrestjellyfish @sneaky-slytherin @ieatspinalcords @stormcloud-cos @genderfluxbadass @lizzy-lineart @teamplutoforlife @vitriolic-artist @bluestarfan10 @bookworm105616 @utter-queer-nightmare @bewildered-bullfrog @somegaybish

[ssa-sugar-tits]

queen of hearts // chapter four

summary: y/n y/l/n was crushed when she found out about maeve donovan. heartbroken, she left her entire life behind. what happens when she becomes the most prolific serial killer the bau has ever seen?

prologue + series masterlist & taglist

content warnings: swearing, angst, implied/mentioned sex, restraints, blood, head injury, kidnap/hostage, alcohol, gunshot, murder

a/n: reader is a psychotic murderer. this is purely a work of fiction and if you or someone you know are experiencing homicidal urges, seek professional help immediately.

-

The room was filled with tension and an overwhelming sense of despair but no one said a word. No more hellish arguing, no irritatingly random facts, not even discussion to solve the case. Everyone worked on their angle of the case and despite the fact that no one would dare admit it, they all somewhat hoped that Y/N wouldn't be caught. Some hoped more than others but deep down they all felt a twinge of it. JJ walked into the room and spoke, startling the team and ripping them away from their thoughts and guilt.

"I've given a picture of her to the media, it's being circulated."

It pained her-- almost physically-- to have to hand over a picture of someone who'd been like family for so many goddamn years. She felt that she was betraying Y/N and that made her feel indescribably horrible.

"Now what? We just wait?" Morgan seemed to be the only one that really did want to stop her. Maybe he was angry that he hadn't seen the signs. Maybe he was angry that his best friend had just... left. Maybe he was angry that she lost herself so much. Maybe he blamed himself.

"What else is there to do Derek? Call me bad at my job- Hell, call all of us bad at our jobs but we can't profile her. Admit it, we're all biased. Too biased to think straight but there's no way we can give this case to another unit." Emily had always been so close to Y/N and was able to open up to her. Something she couldn't bring herself to do with most people. But you weren't most people, were you? Even with what Y/N could be doing, Emily doesn't have it in her to hate her. The sadness she was feeling must have shown because JJ squeezed Emily's hand and gave her a weak smile. And for the millionth fucking time, everyone stayed silent. Not even Spencer was saying anything and he is not the type to stay quiet this long. Believe it or not, that was actually one of the things Y/N had loved about him. Everyone rolled their eyes or cut him off but she loved to listen to him ramble. To everyone's surprise, she was always genuinely interested in what he had to say and that was one of the first things that made him fall in love with her. She never invalidated him or called him strange. Sometimes when she had a nightmare or experienced anxiety she'd even ask him talk to her about a random topic so she could focus on his voice until she calmed down. 

"Your voice is like... honey. In my ears." Spencer wanted to scream with emotional torture building up as he remembered how she'd laughed when she said that and how he'd had smiled at her with nothing but adoration and love.

"That seems unsanitary Y/N."

"You're such a smartass."

"Am I?"

"Definitely. But it's ok. I love that about you. I love you."

"I love you too."

She'd planted a sweet kiss on his lips before laying her head on his lap and listening to the rest of his topic rant. Still basking in the memory of Y/N, a sharp pain entered his hand and he realized he'd dug his crescent nails into the palm of his hand. And in that moment, he couldn't help but think about how much he'd love to be holding her hand right now.

"Guys!"

They all turned to Garcia, the source of the exclaim, who was walking in with Hotch.

"A bartender downtown says he just saw a woman matching Y/N's description leave with another man."

"She's chosen another victim? Here?" Rossi asked with confusion written on his face. "Up until now she's only killed 2 people per state and knowing the BAU has been called in, why is she staying here?"

JJ stepped in,

"This place is special to her, she has history here. Y/N must have an endgame but what is it?"

"The profile says she'll take as many people as she can with her. Probably suicide by cop."

Derek had accepted the situation. So why did that hurt to say?

"Rossi will go to the bar and talk to witnesses. Reid and Prentiss, stay here with Garcia. JJ and Morgan, PD is surveilling the radius around the bar and setting up roadblocks, come with me to help them."

"There's no way I'm staying here." Spencer objected.

Stay here and do nothing? Like hell.

"Neither am I, what the hell Hotch?"

"Reid, Prentiss that's an order. You're not going."

They both started to argue again but Hotch had already left. JJ and Derek followed and Rossi stood up with to leave for the bar. Apologetic looks were shot at Spencer and Emily because they all know why they have to stay behind. They're the two closest to her, the two that wouldn't be able to keep their emotions from affecting them on the field. And with that, off they all went.

-

Y/N's POV

-

The second you get to his hotel room, your lips crash against the handsome stranger. Your next victim. He pushes you against the wall and you moan loudly. His hands roam your body and you pull back.

"Hey... Go lie on the bed and wait for me."

Panting and staring at you with lust, he complies. Of course he does.

For God's sake. This man doesn't even know your name.

To be fair, Spence didn't even know Maeve's last name. And he still chose her.

You walk over to the eager man on the bed. Your hot breath on his neck, you lean close and whisper to him.

"We're going to do things my way."

He moans and you fight the urge to roll your eyes at him in disgust.

"Yes ma'am."

Taking out a rope, you tie him up and you know he thinks you're just a kinky slut. That's what they all see, isnt it? Suddenly something roars inside of you. Forgetting your usual routine, you pick up the lamp on the bedside table and smash it against him. Crimson stains the bed and you drop it, shocked by yourself. Yes, you've done worse. But it isn't the act that's sending regret and nausea through your body, it's that you're devolving. You're losing control.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Starting to panic, you take the unconscious man and check for a pulse. He's still alive.

Giving him a shower (much to your disdain) and change of clothes, you put his arm over your shoulder and walk out of the room giggling as you pass one of the housekeepers.

"Baby, you're such a lightweight! Let's get you out of here."

The housekeeper barely gives you a second glace but when she enters the room of the man you've taken, she starts to scream and you know you're running out of time.

Run. Drag him. Just hurry the hell up.

Finally at his car, you take him to the small studio you own downtown. No one can find you here. It's been yours for nearly a decade and you aren't stupid enough to have told anyone about it or put it under your name. Granted, you'd never thought you'd have to use it to hide out from the feds, it's still useful. After taking a look at the brightly colored wall in your basement, you feel a sense of sudden pain race through your veins. You used to be normal. You used to have a life.

-

The man is chained up, gagged, and bleeding but you can't even remember doing anything to him. What you need is numbness. They thought the other bodies were bad? Wait til they fucking see what you do with him. Pain shoots through your skull again and you wince and fall to the ground.

"Fuck. I- I need a drink." you stammer to no one in particular but yourself.

A wig and sunglasses make you look different enough from the woman being circulated to take the bus to a nearby gas station. Walking down the liquor aisle of the store, you hum a song to yourself and let the AC blow on your skin. Vision blurred, you bite your lip and taste the unmistakable strong metallic taste of your own blood. Still humming that fucking song. The song you'd danced to with Spencer in your living room before you'd made love for the first time.

"You cannot be serious!"

"Y/N! I can't dance."

"Oh come on. How bad can you be?  Seriously, the songs going to end and it'll be too late."

"Yes, that's what I'm hoping for."

"Psh. Don't tell me Doctor Reid is scared to sway around a little."

"Shut up."

"Make me." you laughed.

With one playful look, you dared him to shut you up in the most passionate, sensual way he could. But instead he put his warm hands on your hips and swayed to the song. You melted into his touch and your breaths synced as you laid your head on his chest. His heart beat was steady and calming. One hand reached for yours and intertwined before twirling you and pulling you back in to dance. He'd held you until it was over and brought your chin up to his face. The kiss was so intense, so loving. He tilted his head and pulled you tighter to get as close as he could to you. His tongue met yours and your mouths bathed in each other's taste. Running a hand through your hair, you'd started to unbutton his shirt. He'd been taken aback at first but then picked you up and placed you in the bedroom ever so softly. Placing gentle kisses all over each other's bodies and undressing for the other, you made raw, breathtaking love for the first of many times.

"Hey lady! Get out of the way!"

"W-What?..." You tremble and realize you're crying on the floor of the aisle.

"I said get out of the damn way, some of us got places to be."

The man is clearly batshit drunk. Probably here to buy his next fix. Shaking and letting yourself actually feel your emotions, you stand and use the wall to balance yourself.  The man that yelled at you curses to himself as his phone rings and he picks it up.

"Hell do you want? Thought you were still mad about Andrea."

Andrea? Mad about Andrea. Another cheater. Another liar. Right? It has to be.

Before you can process what you're doing-- how irrational it is-- the gunshot rings through the store and everyone turns to see the man before you on the ground, screaming and spitting blood. A mix of a laugh and a sob escapes you and you scream.

"Everyone on the fucking ground! If I see any cellphones, I'll shoot you just like this dickhead. Got it?"

Frightened people drop to the ground and you start to yell, incoherent bullshit again. You smash the freezer glass behind you and open an expensive bottle of bourbon.

You practically whimper having to take deep gasps in between words, but in a somehow still confident, fearless tone.

"Now let's have some fucking fun."

-

But what you didn't know was that the cashier in the front had sent a text 5 minutes earlier.

Call 911! The girl from the news, the Queen of Hearts. She's in the store.

What you didn't know was that the woman that recieved the text had called immediately.

911, what's your emergency?

What you didn't know was that the BAU was on their way.

-

[studylustre]

hey bb!! you're kinda a queen on here for giving advice so I hope you don't mind me seeking your advice.... at the moment I've been feeling really lost, I'm way behind on my peers this age in almost every aspect of life,, a reason for this is that my mental health is really bad and I lost my teen years to depression. Therefore now I can't even seem to be making friends or hold a normal conversation with adults due to my social anxiety. I used to be intelligent but I think now I'm just stupid ~~~

~~~ my dad keeps telling me how much I suck compared to everyone else, not every day but often enough that I know I'm definitely not fulfilling his expectations and I feel like I'm never going to be able to catch up on that. I've spent a lot of time on my own, I still do and I don't know how to change that, how to build my own life so I'm not dependent on my parents anymore and can move out after I've finished high school. I just would love to know your opinion on that. Please don't judge me too harshly skskshvff :')) I just would love to know how to build your own life apart from your own family, how one can be able to live with their own thoughts without getting depressed hehe,, idk I guess I carry a lot of guilt with me and I've never been able to overcome it and that's why I'm stuck not being able to move forward. Thank youu if you've read this!! I apologise that this is so unnecessary long, I'd be really grateful for some advice!! I'm a new anon btw,, :) sending u love🥺✨🌈

hi angel!! i don’t mind at all, thank u for stopping by and opening up to me about this bc it’s definitely not easy to talk to people about ur inner thoughts!! there’s quite a lot to discuss here so apologies if my response is all over the place. i first want to address what u said about feeling behind ur peers - i don’t want to dismiss ur concerns bc ur feelings are always valid and this is a v v v common feeling so ur definitely not alone in thinking this, but it’s honestly okay. this is something that took me a while to start internalising (still working on it) but there really are no rules in life!! there’s no set timeframe for you to have to achieve anything by. everyone’s path is different - we all have different dreams and goals and resources and so we all experience things at differently and at different times. life is not a competition and u don’t have to compare urself to ur peers!! also, don’t forget that even the people who u think are thriving and living their best lives have struggles of their own too. like i said, we all have our own journeys. what u see of other people’s is just a highlight reel - u never know what struggles they’re facing behind the scenes bc i can assure u, we all are going through something. none of us are just floating along life absolutely carefree!! there’s obstacles for us all and they manifest in different ways for all of us so do!! not!! compare!! urself!! to!! others!!

secondly, i’m sorry to hear that about ur dad. that’s an awful thing to hear from a parent. i know this doesn’t make up for it but i just wanted to tell u, if u haven’t heard this from anyone else, u are doing great. u may not be where u want to be right now (which is completely ok!! u have SO much time ahead of u to get to where u want to be) but u are trying, u are doing ur best and u are still here which means u are doing great. look at u, here, despite it all!! u have made it all this way and ur going to make so much more progress. i know it’s easier said than done but please try ur best to ignore the naysayers. all that matters is that u are living up to ur own standards - forget what ur dad expects of u, because ur life is ur own to live and u don’t exist to please him. also, i just wanted to reiterate ur point about ur dad having super high expectations and u feeling like u can’t keep up with them. that’s a rough realisation, but i think it’s also a v important one to acknowledge because it’s one that can set u free. if u know his expectations of u are a) unrealistic and b) too harsh, then don’t feel obligated to try and match up to them. in situations such as these, i find it’s often the case that no matter what u do, it will never be enough bc they will always find something to nitpick on. u can achieve incredible things and do everything to perfection and they will still find something to complain about and be disappointed in u for. this may or may not be the case for u, but if it is, i hope u can one day walk away from these expectations and live ur life freely the way u want without feeling like u have to measure up to any outsider’s expectations for u.

thirdly, u are not stupid!! u have so much to offer simply just by being u. i feel like u maybe think ur best days are behind u but that is far from the case. ur best days are still waiting for u!! u have so much to look forward to and so much to experience and to achieve. it’s okay to be confused and lost when trying to figure out this mess we call life. we’re all confused here bb!! none of us know exactly what we’re doing but we’re all faking it til we make it. think about it from the perspective of ur younger self - idk if this is the case for u but when i was young, i thought people who were 18 were Proper Adults. i’m now 22 and i still feel like i’m fumbling my way through life and i definitely don’t feel anything close to being an adult, but hey!! that’s okay. the important thing is that u try. even if u trip up, it doesn’t matter bc failure is inevitable in life and we all go through it. what matters is how u carry urself through these experiences and how u deal with it. it’s okay if u don’t know which direction u want to go in, or if ur not sure it’s the right path for u. just give it a go and try. u can only find out what’s good for u through actually trying. if it doesn’t work out, then whelp, at least now u know for sure that’s something that’s not for u!! onto the next experience. and the next. and the next. until u eventually find something that clicks for u. at that point, u can look back with all ur wisdom from ur experiences and know that every single trial u faced and overcame has made u a stronger, wiser and better person. we love character development!!

u mentioned that u live with a lot of guilt and u haven’t been able to move forward bc of that. would therapy be an option that u would be open to? otherwise, would u be open to trying to face some of that urself through journalling or something like that? i’m far from a qualified mental health professional so i don’t want to give u too much advice in this area bc i’m not qualified to do so, but as an anxious person and chronic overthinker, i really find that journalling helps for me to work through my thoughts. u might not be able to find all ur answers through journalling (i think that’s something that just comes through time and also potentially having a professional to walk u through it so u can untangle everything) but it does help u to get stuff off ur chest and to help u realise what’s bothering u, which is a step in the right direction. also, this may sound weird, but i hear that saying ur thoughts (the ones that cause u to spiral and feel bad/anxious) aloud to urself or to a friend helps a lot!! sometimes u don’t realise how irrational things are in ur head until u say it out loud and really hear it, or have a friend to talk u down from it.

i hope this helps!! i know this is superrrrr long and ramble-y but i hope it gave u some semblance of comfort. know that ur not alone in any of ur struggles and that there are better days waiting ahead for u!!

[tornbetween2loves]

A Blizzard in Lythikos, part 1

This fic is my final prompt for the February prompts. Yes, I know it’s late, but I really struggled with this one. The prompt is “You’re impossible! Isn’t it why you love me” for a Drake x Olivia pairing. It was given to me by my bestie @kennaxval and it was a hard one. This is not really a pairing I typically ship. I like Olivia with Bastien. I like Drake in a poly with Liam and Riley. But I want to branch out and try new pairings so here we are. This fic will be posted in 2 parts. Or else it would’ve been way too long.

Word Count: 2,198

No warnings for this fic. It’s a little angsty, but otherwise pretty tame. There’s a link at the end of this fic to an article with a picture of the vehicle described in this story.

Drake tried to hide his disappointment as he and Olivia watched the news as they sipped their coffee. This had become part of their morning ritual ever since Drake came to stay with her in Lythikos. Especially at this time of year. Winters were brutal in Olivia’s duchy, but during this time the area was prone to sudden blizzards. They were known to pop up with very little warning, leaving people stranded wherever they were until the storm passed. Drake frowned as the weather report flashed across the bottom of the screen.

Blizzard warning. Heavy snow expected tonight through tomorrow evening. All social events cancelled for this weekend.

But it was too late to cancel. He had already invited everyone, in fact some of their friends had already arrived and were staying at the chateau on the lake. Tomorrow was Olivia’s birthday and Drake had invited their closest friends to come to Lythikos for a surprise dinner party. This wasn’t going to be just any normal dinner party though. He had big plans. Olivia smiled as she stood up and set her coffee mug down on the table. She shot Drake an amused grin. “Well, it looks like you’ll have to cancel that surprise party you’ve been planning.” His heart sunk as he looked at her sheepishly and rubbed the back of his neck. “How did you know?”

Olivia smiled softly as she bent over and kissed him softly on the lips. Then she looked deep into his eyes. “I didn’t. But now I do.” She stood up and tried unsuccessfully to stifle a giggle as a look of anger crossed Drake’s face. “Dammit Liv, why do you always do stuff like that?” Her smile faded. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “You know exactly what I mean.” She smiled innocently and shrugged. Drake rubbed the back of his neck again as he looked away from her. “Ummmm, Liv, I have something to tell you. You’re not gonna like this.” He stood up and walked over to gaze out the window. “You’re right, I was planning a surprise. I’ve been planning a surprise dinner party for your birthday at the lake chateau tomorrow.”

Olivia sighed as she walked over and wrapped her arms around Drake’s waist from behind. “I’m sorry, this is a terrible time to plan parties. The weather is so unpredictable. You’re just gonna have to cancel.” Drake sighed as he turned around to face her. “That’s the thing Liv. I can’t exactly cancel. Some of our friends are already staying at the chateau. They arrived late last night and are here through the weekend.”

She pulled out of their embrace as the smile quickly faded from her face. Her emerald eyes shined brightly as a scowl crossed her face. “What do you mean? Who is staying at the chateau? They’re there now? Right now? But the chateau isn’t even ready for guests. The staff hasn’t been there since before Christmas. And who was there to greet them if you and I are both here?” Drake winced and held his hands up as if they would help stop the barrage of questions. “Relax, I have it taken care of. I called the staff back last week to get the chateau in order. Liam and Riley arrived late last night. They are not here officially, it is sort of a secret getaway for them, so there was no need for any formal greeting or announcement. Maxwell and Hana were supposed to come this evening but I guess I’ll call and tell them the party is off.” He looked out the window to see that the snow was already falling.

“You mean to tell me that the King and Queen are staying at my chateau and I haven’t been there to greet them???” Drake winced as he watched her face turn red, he thought that it might soon be the color of her hair. “Now Liv, relax, it’s ok. They weren’t expecting a formal greeting, like I said they are simply here as guests.” He put a hand on each of her arms and bent his knees so he was at eye level with her. “They are here as friends to celebrate your birthday. Liam especially.” Olivia took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a long moment. When she opened them she seemed much more calm. “You’re right. I’m being irrational. But let’s get over to the chateau before we get stranded here.” Drake nodded. “Why don’t you go pack your bag? I’m gonna make a couple calls.” She nodded and headed upstairs.

Drake called Hana first. “Oh I’m sorry Drake, I was so looking forward to this weekend. But I definitely don’t want to get stuck in a blizzard. Thanks for letting me know.” He hung up and dialed Maxwell’s number. It went straight to voicemail. Shit. He waited while the message played, then spoke with a serious tone, “Hey Maxwell, it’s Drake. Listen, they’re calling for some pretty bad weather to come through this evening so we are cancelling the dinner party. At least for the guests who aren’t already here. So please don’t try and drive here tonight. On your own. In the snow. Please. Anyway, give me a call back so I know you got this message.” Drake hung up as he shook his head. He had a bad feeling about this.

***********************************************************

“You’re not really going to attempt this are you?” Bertrand scowled as Maxwell loaded his bags into the car. “Drake called Savannah about the weather in Lythikos. You’ll never make it before the blizzard hits.” Maxwell turned to face his brother with a determined look on his face. “I most certainly will. It’s only 2pm. The snow hasn’t even started yet. I’ll be fine. Besides, I’m taking the truck. It has 4-wheel drive.” Bertrand narrowed his eyes. “This isn’t a little snowstorm Maxwell. It’s a fucking blizzard!” He stood up straight and crossed his arms over his chest. “I forbid you to go. Give me the keys.” Maxwell’s mouth dropped open as he stared at his brother. “You can’t forbid me to do anything,” he seethed. “I am an adult. Now I’m definitely going. I’ll call you when I get there.” He jumped into the truck and sped off, leaving Bertrand staring after him, fuming.

************************************************************

“Thank you so much for coming to help celebrate my birthday,” Olivia said as they all gathered in the sitting room after dinner. Drake nodded as he went to the bar and poured a whiskey for Liam and himself and wine for the ladies. “Yes, thank you. Sorry the weather isn’t more agreeable.” Liam shrugged and glanced at his wife. “We don’t mind. The idea of being snowed in actually sounds pretty good to us.” Olivia smirked as she took a sip of her wine. “Well don’t worry, we’ll be pretty stuck for most of the weekend most likely.” She looked questioningly at Drake. “You did get a hold of Hana and Maxwell, right?” Drake sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I talked to Hana. But was unable to get in touch with Maxwell.” He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket to check it one more time. He frowned as he realized he had no service. Olivia grimaced. Riley and Liam both sat with concern on their faces. “I called Savannah to let her know about the blizzard and tell him not to come. I spoke to her directly.” They all narrowed their eyes at Drake as he shifted uncomfortably, gazing down at his phone. “Does anyone have any service? I can’t even try to call him.”

“I’m sure the cell towers are down all over Lythikos. There’s a land line in the study. We could try that.” Olivia stood up and gestured for them to follow. Drake hurried into the study, then picked up the phone and quickly dialed Maxwell. Straight to voicemail again. He was starting to get concerned. He hung up and called his sister. After a couple of rings she answered, the concern was clear in her voice. “Drake? Is Maxwell there? He was supposed to call and we haven’t heard anything. Bertrand is simply beside himself with worry.” Drake sighed. “I told you to tell him not to come. Did you tell him a blizzard was coming?” “Of course I did Drake.” He heard her sigh on the other end of the phone. “He is stubborn, especially when his older brother pushes his buttons. Bertrand forbade him to go. So of course that made him go. But he left at 2pm and should be there by now.” Drake looked at the clock on the wall. It was half past six. Lythikos was only about a 2-hour drive from the Beaumont estate. “Ok, Savannah let me call you back. I’m going to call and see if we can’t organize a search party.” He hung up and looked at Olivia with concern.

“Drake, you can’t organize anything right now. The entire duchy is shut down until after the weather passes.” She placed a hand on his arm. Drake pinched the bridge of his nose and hung his head low. After a few minutes he looked up at Olivia and their friends. “I have to go look for him myself then. It’s my fault he’s stuck out there. I have to try and find him.” The color drained from Olivia’s face as she shook her head. “No, you cant. I don’t think you understand what a Lythikos blizzard is like. Hopefully he’s stuck somewhere by the side of the road and he can just keep his engine running to keep warm until morning. We will find him then.” Drake shook his head. “No. I have to try. I can’t leave him out there like that.” He turned and left the study and went upstairs to change.

Olivia followed him upstairs to their bedroom. She stood in the doorway silently, watching him pull on layers of clothing for warmth. “You’re really going to do this aren’t you?” He nodded as he met her gaze. He approached and wrapped his arms around her waist. “This is all my fault, Liv. I can’t let him stay out there all night, scared and alone. I’m going to find him.” He kissed her softly and continued getting dressed. Olivia sighed. “If you insist on going, take the Ripsaw. It’s your best chance.” Drake shot her a puzzled look. “Ripsaw? What is that?” She turned to head back downstairs. “You’ll see. I gotta go look for the keys. Meet me in the garage when you’re ready.”

Fifteen minutes later Drake was standing in the garage, mouth wide open, staring at the Ripsaw. “What the hell is this thing?” Olivia smiled. “It’s only the most bad ass vehicle used for snow travel. Nothing can stop this thing. Not even a blizzard.” The vehicle in front of them looked more like a tank than anything else. The cab stood high, about 15 feet off the ground. It was set on top of tank-like treads that were also wrapped with chains. “For traction on ice,” Olivia explained. Drake broke into a wide grin. “This thing is amazing, Liv. Where did you get it?” She smiled. “It’s a prototype. I have a whole team dedicated to developing machinery to make our lives easier when it snows. This is the product of that team.” She moved toward it, motioning for Drake to follow. “Come on, let me show you how to drive this thing.”

After a quick driving lesson, Olivia stood on top of the tread and leaned her head inside the cab. “There’s a CB radio in here. I also have one in the house. We should be able to communicate with that. Let me see your phone. He handed it to her and she typed a few things then handed it back. “I programmed the landline number as well just in case.” She paused as a look of worry crossed over her face. She kissed him softly. “Please come back to me in one piece, Drake. I don’t think I could handle if something happened to you. And find Maxwell too so I can wring his neck when you bring him back here.” She kissed him again, long and slow. He stroked her cheek and smiled. “Don’t you worry Liv. A little blizzard can’t bring Drake Walker down.” She smiled and backed away from the door of the cab. “I’ll have some homemade hot chocolate waiting for you when you get back.” He made a face as he reached up to grab the hatch. “Forget the hot chocolate. Just keep the whiskey on ice for me.” He winked at her and she laughed. “Drake Walker, you’re impossible.” He smiled big. “Isn’t that why you love me?” He closed the hatch and Liv walked back into the chateau, shaking her head. Yes. It was exactly why she loved him.

To Be Continued.....

https://www.redbull.com/us-en/9-most-innovative-ways-to-travel-on-snow-and-ice

Tagging: @kennaxval @indiacater @carabeth @bella-ca ca @boneandfur @bobasheebaby @stopforamoment @alesana45 @debramcg1106 @speedyoperarascalparty @drakewalkerwhipped @femmeshep @hhiggs @lizeboredom @pb-boeboe @klaudiana-beaumontkkreal @tmarie82 @katurrade @lodberg @hopefulmoonobject @missevabean @walkerismychoice @eileendannie @museofbooks @jared2612 @h3llostrang3r @ooo-barff-ooo @cora-nova @jovialyouthmusic @gardeningourmet @innerpostmentality @furryperfectionlover @sirbeepsalot

[missjackil]

Winsecurities

I have no doubt in my mind that Sam and Dean love eachother in every human way possible. This is in no way to say one loves the other more than the other, but to just have a look around Sam and Dean’s relationship and see where and possibly why, they are insecure sometimes with each other. 

Anyone reading this that knows me, knows I love both of these boys. I do favor Sam but I have no lowkey or highkey hate for Dean... he’s my buddy and a good dude and just as deserving of love and happiness as Sam is. With that said, it may appear sometimes in this post that Im dumping on one, or blaming him for something unnecessarily, but Im not, Im just making an honest observation.

Since this is about Sam and Dean’s insecurities, this is going to be a long post. So bag a lunch, get comfy, and click the cut if you feel like reading.

Sam and Dean are the most selfless people I know. They’re not selfish men at all, though both displayed some selfishness as kids, but thats normal. They’;ve both grown into men more than willing to put others before themselves, and sacrifice everything for the greater good. However they do have a selfshness when it comes to each other, and this fans the flames of their insecurities. 

If you could ask either of them “Do you love your brother?” Both would say “Yes” before you finished the sentence, but if you were to ask either “Does your brother love you?” They might pause for a second before you get the “Yes”. In their hearts they know it as surely as the sun rises in the morning, but in their heads, sometimes they’re conflicted. 

Sam has an irrational fear of Dean replacing him. He needs to be everything to Dean and doesnt like when others seem to take his place. We dont really even see this until s8 and the show has been chipping at it ever since. Dean has an irrational fear of losing Sam. Either by choice or by death. Dean defines himself as Sam’s caretaker, and doesnt want a life that Sam isnt in. I say these fears are irrational in the sense that neither should be fearing it anymore, not in the sense that the fear has never been warrented. We just recently learned that Dean still fears that Sam is going to decide to leave him someday. 

I believe that Sam has always loved his place in Dean’s world. The precious little brother that Dean protects without argument. His best friend, confidant, the one who always has his back and fully trusts to have his own back. Sam loves that Dean would die for him, so Sam would die for Dean just the same. There have been times though, that Sam has felt smothered. He’s even said so, but he just wants space to grow and breathe, and be Sam, and not only Dean’s little brother, so Sam has seperated himself from Dean at times, and Dean takes it like Sam doesnt need or appreciate him. 

I believe that Dean thinks about Sam first in everything. He depends on him to be his best friend and confidant, to have his back and save him when he needs saving, but Dean likes to surround himself with friends, family and allies, and Sam sometimes takes it as though he’s expendable in Dean’s world. Sam and Dean are each other’s spouces, in every sense of the definition that matters. They are two very different people but one single unit.

Dean’s insecurities with Sam came to our attention very early in the series. Since S1 Dean has shown how badly he wants Sam with him, and fears him leaving. In the Pilot episode Dean says he needs Sam to help him find Dad, and Sam tells him he can do it on his own, and Dean tells him he doesnt want to. We were never given any insite into why they didnt speak for 2 years so, Im just going to leave that out as it seems to be irrelevant to everything. 

I believe they began when they were kids, and Sam started wanting to be like a normal kid. We know from Just My Imagination that at 9 yrs old Sam was begging to come hunting with Dad and Dean, we also learned that he would also like to run away and be normal. At that age, he chose to go with Dad and Dean, instead of running away, but as he aged, it became clear that he didnt want the hunting life. 

I dont think this meant that Sam hated his Dad or Dean at all, he feared for them and himself, so he took himself away from the situation when he could. Having Thanksgiving at a friend’s house, hiding out in a cabin in Flag Staff, going to college, none of these are bad things that Sam did (well ok maybe running away and hiding in a cabin is debatable) but Dean took it personal as leaving him. 

Dean loves taking care of Sam. He’s said he never had to be told to, he would have done it anyway. Sam has always loved it too but when Dean took off to hunt with Dad and left Sam alone he chose something over Sam, and thus fed his insecurities. 

I think where Sam’s insecurities began, just using canon, was always when Dean put something ahead of Sam. He left Sam in a motel room so he could play video games, and Sam almost got killed. Dean left him at Plucky’s to troll for girls while Sam was being scared by the clowns, he left Sam to hunt with Dad, so who was protecting Sam then? Sam thought all these other things were more important than him, and if they were, then does Dean even still love him? (possible thoughts of an adolescent boy)

So we dont really see this insecurity in Sam much until S8 when Dean had Benny. When Sam met Benny, he was ready to kill him before he even knew he was a vampire. There was no way Sam knew he was a vampire when he went for his blade. He was ready to kill him for being some big dude that went on a hunt with Dean... a replacement.  We didnt even know Sam had any qualms with Dean’s friendship with Cas until Dean wanted to go with Cas on his quest but felt he needed to stay behind and help Sam. Sam told him to go, but when Sam was ready to die for thinking Dean cant do this job with him, cant trust him, and would rather be anywhere than help Sam see this through, he gave Dean (and us) an ear full of his pain. And we were all (Dean included) Wait!! Hold up Sam!! Just think for a moment ok? 

Dean assured Sam that nothing is more important than him, never has been, never will be... and Sam came down off the ledge. Sam got hit with the insecurities again in S9, after the trouble with Gadreel, and Sam worried about his place with Dean again. At the end of Sharp Teeth, Sam tells Dean things are broken and they cant be fixed just by saying theyre family, because all their crap comes down to them being family. So he gives Dean somewhat of an ultimatum. You want to work? Lets work... if you want to be brothers?..... well those are my terms” I didnt like that Sam didnt finish that statement, but Im pretty sure, judging from the next several episodes, that the statement would have been “If you want to be brothers.... then we cant work together” and then we see that they took the root of working instead of brothering, and now Sam sees himself as just a hunting parter to Dean. Is it true? Of course not. But we see the whole pciture and Sam just sees what he sees.

The show has been chipping at Sam’s insecurities ever since. Sam feared Dean chosing Amara over him in S11, choosing Mom over him in S12 as family, Cas over him as friend in 13, and Ketch over him as hunting buddy later in 13, and now his life over Sam in just this past episode. He even saw Dean kill himself to save a kid they dont know who was already dead in S13, so I understand why Sam might be confused about his place and importance in Deans life ya know?

Im sure about Sam’s place in Dean’s world. Sam IS his world. Ive seen Deans reactions every time Sam died or Dean thought he was dead... but wanna hear something sad but true? Sam never did. Sam never saw how freaked out Dean gets. How suicidal and broken he is when Sam is gone. Dean doesnt tell him. Sam knows Dean sold his soul for him, but Sam doesnt know Dean sat for like 2 or 3 days crying and talking to his corpse. Maybe if he knew, he wouldnt worry so much right?

I dont want the show to put Sam back in a place where he would voluntarily leave Dean again, but I hope they reassure Sam that he’s Dean’s who world. I think they’ve begun that, with Dean telling Sam why he wanted Sam to stay behind when he went with Ketch, and telling Sam later that he doesnt worry about what happens to himself, but he does care about what happens to his brother. And letting Sam know that he said “Yes” to Michael to save him. Maybe someday these boys will get their shit together and just enjoy getting saving the world and getting old together. 

[fairycosmos]

hi, im 18 and i am about to start the uni on five moths, i feel like i can’t handle school anymore and i am so afraid to fail, i am not good at maths and i am afraid of not getting good grades for uni plus i’m scared cause i don’t have experience with working, i’m living my life without being planned because i never imagined myself reaching this age and i want to die i’m afraid of not being someone and i feel like crying all the time

hey dude. i’m really sorry to hear that. it must be so hard for you at the moment, and i understand where you’re coming from a lot. take a deep breath. it’s going to be okay, even if that feels impossible to believe right now. this is the exact time in your life that you’re supposed to be afraid and uncertain and upset, it’s completely natural. a lot of people our age are dealing with the exact same thing, which doesn’t make it any less painful, but knowing it’s not something you should be ashamed of can really help. fear of failure, of the future, of change - it’s to be expected. it’d be weird if you didn’t feel that way, to be honest. so begin with processing those emotions as healthily as you can. you dont have to try to push them away, you can let them wash over you instead. allow yourself to cry about it, to talk about it, to write about it. trying your best to cope with your emotions like that will stop them from overwhelming you. accept the anxieties, but dont let them trick you. just let everything be what it is, for a while. and then look for tangible, realistic ways to calm yourself down. you’re only afraid of everything because it hasn’t happened yet. life only makes sense backwards, right? so give yourself a chance to live all of the solutions to your problems before you make any permanent decisions/choices. you’re supposed to be confused, to have no idea what to do. that’s a part of become an adult. 

for every scared, irrational thought you experience there is always a rational, more accurate counter argument. these are the ideas that are actually based in reality, the ones you can actually trust. for example, i’m not good at maths either, and i know it’s annoying because it seems like it’s going to hold you back a lot in life (i’ve been trying to get a better grade since i left school two years ago lmao and i’ve only marginally succeeded), but there are steps you can take to ensure that your skills gradually improve over time. even if you dont get the grade you need immediately, the opportunity to keep trying will always be there. every day is a new chance. i know people who are 40 years old and they’re just getting their maths GCSE now. it’s not a race, and you don’t have to achieve everything on a linear timeline, okay? but try to control what you can - try to get into the routine of studying every night, or look into hiring a tutor/taking extra maths classes. if you’re trying, you are doing more than good enough.  i promise. your brain will often try to make you feel otherwise, will try to convince you that you’re a failure or whatever, but that’s just the panic talking - it’s not the truth. no matter how certain your self hatred feels, it’s a liar. it’s trying to sabotage you, and you don’t have to lean into it. you’re doing what you can with what you’ve been given, and that’s more than most people manage to achieve. and of course you don’t have any working experience, you’re 18. it’s the exact same for me. and i know it makes it harder to get a job, but employers understand and eventually there will be somewhere that will give you a chance. it just takes a moment, and that’s alright. building up your resume takes time, basically your entire early adult life. so slow down, you’re fine. focus on one moment and one thing at a time. 

the bottom line is that you’re worrying about your future to this extent because you care about it so much, and that’s a really good thing. it means that even if you often feeling like giving up, some part of you wants to shape your life, wants to stick around because it knows that it’ll be worth it. look, when you’re depressed or anxious or just generally afraid, it’s easy to believe very overgeneralized statements such as ‘i want to die’ or ‘i’m not going to be anyone’ - those thoughts are, once again, likely produced by stress or maybe a chemical imbalance or low self esteem. but please believe me when i say that they’re not tangible or real or trustworthy. they’re just fleeting feelings/impulses, and they will pass if you give them the chance to. it sounds like bullshit, and i dont blame you for not buying it at the moment, but once you’re able to think about it all objectively - without being blinded by emotional turmoil or low self confidence - then you’ll see what i mean. above all, the most important thing to take away from the situation, is the knowledge that you don’t have to deal with this all on your own. if you take anything i say seriously, please make sure it’s this: there are LOT of resources and services available to help you learn how to deal with this sort of thing. whatever it is, whatever the cause of your sadness is - whether it’s just because you’re under a lot of pressure right now, or because of something deeper than that - there are people out there who will support you through it. where you’re at right now is definitely not where you’ll always be, please keep that in mind. i really think it could be a good idea for you to talk to someone about what’s going on in your head - whether it’s your parents, a hotline, a doctor, or even a counselor at the uni once you start. please, please don’t allow your brain to simply brush the idea off. because getting it all off your chest, and listening to a professionals advice/using their recommended coping mechanisms, could really change your perspective. talking through your worries and actively working with a trained professional to find realistic solutions will make a difference. they may even refer you to a psychologist who will be able to actually explain to you why you’re feeling this way, whether or not there’s any sort of official diagnosis that needs to be made. suicidal thoughts are somewhat common but they’re not normal, not something you should just have to put up with. your mental health is honestly just as important as your physical health, and there’s nothing wrong with seeking medical guidance. it’s actually very necessary. look, i’m not saying it’ll be a quick or easy process, i’m not saying some days wont be completely exhausting, but i’m saying that reaching out if the first step towards learning how to control those negative feelings/thoughts when they do arise. it’s ok to be scared, and to not want to open up, but just cause you dont want to doesn’t mean you don’t need to.

if i’m being straight up, the truth is that the rest of your life doesn’t depend on how well you do in school. your future happiness isn’t dictated by ‘being someone’ in the eyes of the world, it’s dictated by taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to experience this lifetime for what it is, and finding fulfillment through love and curiosity. that’s all. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, and i’m genuinely very proud of you, man. this is just a blip in the very long and very happy story of your life. you’re still young as hell. well, you’re the same age as me, and i totally get how stressful it is to turn 18, but you have so much time. theres so much for you to see, so many people for you to meet, and just because it’s daunting doesn’t mean it’s a burden. everythings going to work out the way it was always supposed to. for now, just take it one day at a time. focus on what’s in your control in the present moment/foreseeable future - such as studying and talking to someone about what’s going on - instead of fixating on things that are completely out of your hands. the future doesn’t even exist yet. you’ve got this. i’ll be rooting for you. sending all my love your way. let me know if you need a friend or if you need to talk about this properly, i’ll be here. you’re not alone. 

[mystery-inc-unsolved]

Psychosis- Part 1/5

Written by, Matt Dymerski

Sunday

I’m not sure why I’m writing this down on paper and not on my computer. I guess I’ve just noticed some odd things. It’s not that I don’t trust the computer, I just… I need to organize my thoughts. I need to get down all the details somewhere objective, somewhere I know that what I write can’t be deleted or, changed. Not that that’s happened. It’s just… everything blurs together here, and the fog of memory lends a strange cast to things.

I’m starting to feel cramped in this small apartment. Maybe that’s the problem. I just had to go and choose the cheapest apartment, the only one in the basement. The lack of windows down here makes day and night seem to slip by seamlessly. I haven’t been out in a few days because I’ve been working on this programming project so intensively. I suppose I just wanted to get it done. Hours of sitting and staring at a monitor can make anyone feel strange, I know, but I don’t think that’s it.

I’m not sure when I first started to feel like something was odd. I can’t even define what it is. Maybe I just haven’t talked to anyone in a while. That’s the first thing that crept up on me. Everyone I normally talk to online while I program has been idle, or they’ve simply not logged on at all. My instant messages go unanswered. The last email I got from anybody was a friend saying he’d message me when he got back from the store, and that was yesterday. I’d call with my cell phone but the reception is terrible down here. Yeah, that’s it. I just need to call someone. I’m going to go outside.

Well, that didn’t work so well. As the tingle of fear fades, I’m feeling a little ridiculous for being scared at all. I looked in the mirror before I went out, but I didn’t shave the two-day stubble I’ve grown. I figured I was just going out for a quick phone call. I did change my shirt though because it was lunchtime, and I guessed that I’d run into at least one person I knew. That didn’t end up happening. I wish it did.

When I went out, I opened the door to my small apartment slowly. A small feeling of apprehension had somehow already lodged itself in me, for some indefinable reason. I chalked it up to having not spoken to anyone but myself for a day or two. I peered down the dingy grey hallway, made dingier by the fact that it was a basement hallway. On one end, a large metal door led to the building’s furnace room. It was locked, of course. Two dreary soda machines stood by it; I bought a soda from one the first day I moved in, but it had a two-year-old expiration date. I’m fairly sure nobody knows those machines are even down here, or my cheap landlady just doesn’t care to get them restocked.

I closed my door softly and walked the other direction, taking care not to make a sound. I have no idea why I chose to do that, but it was fun giving in to the strange impulse not to break the droning hum of the soda machines, at least for the moment. I got to the stairwell and took the stairs up to the building’s front door. I looked through the heavy door’s small square window, and received quite the shock: it was definitely not lunchtime. City-gloom hung over the dark street outside, and the traffic lights at the intersection in the distance blinked yellow. Dim clouds, purple and black from the glow of the city, hung overhead. Nothing moved, save the few sidewalk trees that shifted in the wind. I remember shivering, though I wasn’t cold. Maybe it was the wind outside. I could vaguely hear it through the heavy metal door, and I knew it was that it was constant, cold, and quiet, save for the rhythmic music it made as it passed through countless unseen tree leaves.

I decided not to go outside.

Instead, I lifted my cell phone to the door’s little window and checked the signal meter. The bars filled up the meter, and I smiled. Time to hear someone else’s voice, i remember thinking, relieved. It was such a strange thing, to be afraid of nothing. I shook my head, laughing at myself silently. I hit speed-dial for my best friend Amy’s number and held the phone up to my ear. It rang once, but then it stopped. Nothing happened. I listened to silence for a good twenty seconds, then hung up. I frowned and looked at the signal meter again - still full. I went to dial her number again, but then my phone rang in my hand, startling me. I put it up to my ear.

“Hello?” I asked, immediately fighting down a small shock at hearing the first spoken voice in days, even if it was my own. I had gotten used to the droning hum of the building’s inner workings, my computer, and the soda machines in the hallway. There was no response to my greeting at first, but then, finally, a voice came.

“Hey,” said a clear male voice, obviously of college age, like me. “Who’s this?”

“John,” I replied, confused.

“Oh, sorry, wrong number,” he replied, then hung up.

I lowered the phone slowly and leaned against the thick brick wall of the stairwell. That was strange. I looked at my received calls list, but the number was unfamiliar. Before I could think on it further, the phone rang loudly, shocking me yet again. This time, I held the phone up to my ear but said nothing. I heard nothing but the general background noise of a phone. Then, a familiar voice broke my tension.

“John?” was the single word, in Amy’s voice.

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Hey, it’s you,” I replied.

“Who else would it be?” She responded. “Oh, the number. I’m at a party on Seventh Street, and my phone died just as you called me. This is someone else’s phone, obviously.”

“Oh, ok,” I said.

“Where are you?” She asked.

My eyes glanced over the drab white-washed cylinder block walls and the heavy metal door with its small window.

“At my building,” I sighed. “Just feeling cooped up. I didn’t realize it was so late.”

“You should come here,” she said, laughing.

“Nah, I don’t feel like looking for some strange place by myself in the middle of the night,” I said, looking out the window at the silent windy street that secretly scared me just a tiny bit. “I think I’m just going to keep working or go to bed.”

“Nonsense!” She replied. “I can come to get you! Your building is close to Seventh Street, right?”

“How drunk are you?” I asked lightheartedly. “You know where I live.”

“Oh, of course,” she said abruptly. “I guess I can’t get there by walking, huh?”

“You could if you wanted to waste half an hour,” I told her.

“Right,” she said. “Ok, have to go, good luck with your work!”

I lowered the phone once more, looking at the numbers flash as the call ended. Then, the droning silence suddenly reasserted itself in my ears. The two strange calls and the eerie street outside just drove my aloneness in this empty stairwell. Perhaps from having seen too many scary movies, I had the sudden inexplicable idea that something could look in the door’s window and see me. Some sort of horrible entity that hovered at the edge of aloneness, just waiting to creep up on unsuspecting people that strayed too far from other human beings. I knew the fear was irrational, but nobody else was around, so... I jumped down the stairs, ran down the hallway into my room, and closed the door as swiftly as I could while staying silent. As I said, I feel a little ridiculous for being scared of nothing, and the fear has already faded. Writing this down helps a lot - it makes me realize that nothing is wrong. It filters out half-formed thoughts and fears and leaves only cold, hard facts. It’s late, I got a call from a wrong number, and Amy’s phone died, so she called me back from another number. Nothing strange is happening.

Still, there was something a little off about that conversation. I know it could have just been the alcohol she’d had, or was it even her that seemed off to me? Or was it… yes, that was it! I didn’t realize it until this moment, writing these things down. I knew writing things down would help. She said she was at a party, but I only heard silence in the background! Of course, that doesn’t mean anything in particular, as she could have just gone outside to make the call. No, that couldn’t be it either. I didn’t hear the wind! I need to see if the wind is still blowing.

[welllpthisishappening]

So I've been flying a lot recently and there's been some turbulence, but every time it makes me think of blue line and Will (I'm pretty sure will) and how he hates turbulence when flying. Basically whenever there's turbulence ona flight I now think of blue line and how much I love it!

You are absolutely right, anon! Will…hates turbulence. Like. Hates. It. I’m sorry there’s been anything except fabulously calm flights for you, so this happened because your message was very nice and everyone knows how much Will hates turbulence. 

“Scarlet, I need you to move your elbow, like, two hours ago.”

“We weren’t on this plane two hours ago.”

“Yes.”

Will glared at him, eyes narrowed and jaw almost obviously clenched, and Killian tried not to sigh too loudly, far too aware of the head on his shoulder and Ariel had slept the entire goddamn flight – even through the turbulence.

There was a lot of turbulence.

Enough that there’d been some kind of proclamation from whoever was in charge of air-traffic proclamations and they couldn’t fly home that night.

Killian was not pleased.

Will still looked kind of terrified.

“You’re going to do damage to your knuckles,” Robin pointed out, slumped in his chair on the other side of the aisle and Ruby’s limbs were everywhere. She’d unbuckled her seatbelt at some point, which might have been at least three quarters of the reason for Will’s white-knuckled grip on the arm rest, and they’d been sitting on the tarmac for what felt like several days.

Killian was going to dramatically sigh himself to death.

Maybe then Ariel would get her head of his shoulder. He was only slightly worried she was pinching a nerve. Or twenty.

His whole body hurt, bumps and bruises and one very solid check that earned that rookie in Minnesota two minutes, and they’d been on the road for over a week, a string of games that felt far too long, particularly when they weren’t winning any of them.

They hadn’t won any of them.

Arthur must have set a record for whiteboard damage.

He was probably pacing in the cockpit.

And Killian really just wanted to go home and see Emma and Matt and they hadn’t actually told anyone anything else yet, but thinking about that made his heart doing something absurd in his chest and he really hoped it was a girl.

He kept telling Emma that.

It made her laugh.

“Shut up, Locksley,” Will hissed, pulling Killian back into the moment and the general frustration of a team that was probably not going to make the playoffs. “This is—“

“—An overreaction,” Ruby mumbled. She didn’t lift her head off Robin’s knee, voice just a bit muffled by league-mandated dress pants, but Killian was fairly certain she still managed to glare at all of them at once. “And you are talking way too loud.”

Robin hummed in agreement. “Screaming more like. Sometimes I wonder who’s the actual child in this hockey family. Gives Matt a run for his money.“

“Yeah, that’s super funny, Locksley,” Will said. “Did you not feel what was going on before? They tried to fly us into a hurricane.”

“Eh,” Killian argued, and he’d apparently moved his body too much if Ariel’s not-so-quiet grumble was any indication. “Sorry, sorry, Red,” he added, shifting further into his seat, but that didn’t help the pinched nerve or the bruise on his left hip. He really wanted to make out with his wife. “Go back to sleep, Scarlet’s just whining.”

“Too late,” Ariel sighed. Killian groaned when she pressed the heel of her hand into his thigh, propping herself up, and she looked vaguely traumatized by that. “Oh shit,” she gasped. “Shit, shit, shit, Cap, did that hurt? Did you get hit?”

“We just played a hockey game against a team that had one of the worst starts to its season in, like, ten years.”

“Is that supposed to be an answer?”

“He’s saying Chicago was pissed about how their season went,” Robin explained, and Ruby had sat up, but her legs were perpendicular over his now and they were all far too comfortable with each other.

“And that meant they had to try and kill Cap?” Ruby asked.

Killian rolled his eyes. “No one was killing anyone and there were no hurricanes involved in anything that happened tonight. It is March.”

“There can be hurricanes in March,” Will said, but he was met with several different types of laughter and something that sounded like an actual guffaw out of Ariel.

“No, there cannot, Scarlet,” Robin said. “And Henry just took Earth Science, like, two years ago, so my meteorological knowledge is unquestioned.”

Will did not looked convinced. He still hadn’t let go of the armrest.

“We have been on this plane for hours,” he grumbled, huffing loudly and crossing his arms and it was a pretty spot-on impression of Killian’s two-year-old kid. “And the whole thing shook. That was…that was not fun.”

“Scarlet, were you freaking out?” Ariel asked, a distinct lack of humor in her voice. Will flushed. “Oh my God, you were, weren’t you?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Liar, liar, liar,” Ruby muttered, and Killian glared hard enough the he felt like he was disciplining all of them. Ruby laughed at him. “Dad face.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“I promise it is. Emma does it too. But, you know, the mom version. It’s super cute. Also, the word you were all looking for before was nor’easter. So, clearly, I’m the one with the science degree.”

“You do not have a science degree,” Robin said, hooking his chin over Ruby’s shoulder and it couldn’t have been comfortable when she shrugged in response.

Will groaned again – a mess of limbs and emotion and the absolute, deep rooted fear of turbulence that even a decade in the NHL hadn’t been able to shake. “God, I hate all of you,” he sighed, snapping his jaw when Ariel tried to reach around Killian to tug on his very loose tie. “Leave that alone, A. I don’t need to choke before all the air pressure gets yanked out of this cabin.”

“That is not how air travel works,” Killian reasoned.

“Do not try and dad me, Cap. It’s not going to work.”

He opened his mouth to disagree, something about he wasn’t dad’ing anyone, whatever the hell that meant, but Killian absolutely knew what it meant and he was far to busy answering his phone to care about anyone on a plane that seemed as determined as Arthur to set several different, equally frustrating, records.

“Did you have that on the whole time?” Will shouted, jumping up and Ruby mumbled something about seat belts, Scarlet under her breath. He flipped her off.

“Whoa,” Emma muttered. “I was not entirely prepared for the parental advisory on this conversation.”

Will blushed again, lips pursed and breathing heavy, and Killian wasn’t sure if Ruby or Ariel was laughing louder. Arthur yelled from wherever he’d been pacing. And probably breaking whiteboards.

Killian widened his eyes. They were still at the restaurant – chairs on the tables behind her and he could just make out a clearly sleeping Dylan hitched over Eric’s shoulder while he tried to stack stools on top of the bar.

Henry and Roland were quite clearly playing hockey, the sound of what might have been an actual puck hitting against the wall and it was a wonder they hadn’t done permanent damage to the walls yet.

“Are they hitting my walls?” Ariel asked sharply, but Killian brushed her off and his heart was doing that stupid pounding thing again.

A girl. They were definitely going to have a girl.

“No parental advisory, Swan,” he said, smiling despite the pinched nerve and whatever Ariel was asking and how freaked out Will was by several normal meteorological activities. And maybe Killian had kind of hated the turbulence too. “Just Scarlet being irrational. Par for the course.”

“Yeah, that’s kind of what I figured.”

He couldn’t quite hold back his laughter – Robin shaking underneath Ruby when he nearly cackled a few feet away – and Will looked vaguely scandalized. “That’s rude, Em,” he mumbled. “A hurricane. They wanted to fly into a hurricane.”

“I don’t think that’s what it was called.”

“Told you,” Robin said. “Thank you, Emma!”

She grinned, eyes impossibly green and hair practically shining in the dim light of the restaurant and Killian was a giant, sentimental sap, who thought even more absurd, sentimental things when he hadn’t kissed his wife in a week.

His pregnant wife.

HIs pregnant with their second kid wife.

“What are you doing with your face, Cap?” Ruby asked knowingly and, yeah, definitely too comfortable together.

“Nothing,” Killian said quickly. Ruby arched an eyebrow. And some voice was making some kind of announcement, Arthur shouting to be quiet, but they were a plane full of children masquerading as professionals and every single one of them groaned as soon as they learned they’d be stuck an extra night in Chicago.

“Damn,” he sighed. Emma was still smiling. “Did you know already, love? Is that why you called?”

She shifted in her chair, a body colliding with her side in a flash of dark hair and something that looked a bit like a jersey. “Maybe I was just trying to talk to you. Also is your hip ok?”

“What happened to your hip?” Ariel screeched, at the same time Will and Ruby muttered gross. Robin was texting Regina. Killian could hear her phone through his phone.

God.

“Nothing, nothing, Red, I’m fine,” Killian promised, and possibly, lied, and Emma widened her eyes in disbelief. “Fine, Swan. Hey, Mattie,” he added, the blur of colors jerking up and he probably should have been asleep, but he’d also probably been trying to play Roland and Henry in whatever game was currently destroying the restaurant walls.

“Hi,” Matt shouted. He waved with both hands.

Killian was going to walk home.

He could probably get there before they let them off this goddamn plane.

“I had a hunch,” Emma said, answering a question Killian almost forgot he’d asked. “About the nor’easter. That’s what it’s called, Scarlet.”

“God, I told you,” Robin yelled. Killian shook his head when Emma’s eyebrows pinched. Matt was still waving.

“Whatever,” Will scowled.

“That’s the spirit,” Emma laughed. “But also part of the reason why we called and why we’re not sleeping like some other slightly better behaved children in this restaurant.”

“And because he wanted to cheat a hockey,” Roland added, voice not quite even when he groaned at whatever Henry did, but there was more laughter and Regina chastising both of them, and Dylan was some kind of professional sleeper. Apparently. He probably got it from Ariel.

Her eyelids were starting to flutter again.

“Anyway,” Emma said pointedly. “I’m ready to use our kid’s inherent cuteness to our benefit.”

Killian arched an eyebrow, but he could feel the smile on his face and his heart should probably be studied at this point. “That so?”

“Yes, we practiced.”

He needed to look up how long it would take to walk home.

Will let go of the armrest.

It was a miracle.

Emma nodded once, something that felt like amusement on her face as she tugged Matt onto her lap, and his entire expression changed as soon as he saw so many familiar faces. Ruby might have melted. Or sighed dramatically. She did, at least, move, stepping around Ariel and perching on an arm rest to get into the phone frame.

And that probably would have been enough for several professional hockey players to mock, if they also weren’t impossibly charmed by the kid on the screen in front of them too.

“Hey mini-Jones,” she said softly, and Matt tried to jump through Emma’s phone.

“Thanks a lot, Rubes.”

Ruby was definitely melting. “I make no apologies for how much your kid loves me. You score on, Rol, mini-Jones?

“Hey Dr. J,” Will said quickly, ignoring Ruby’s clicked tongue at the interruption, and Killian rolled his eyes. “You use that move we practiced before?”

“Oh my God, he’s not even three, Scarlet,” Killian groaned, but Will didn’t pay any attention and Roland was shouting again.

“It’s cheating, Uncle Will! You can’t go for the ankles like that!”

“What are you teaching them?” Ariel gaped.

Will made a face, but Killian had some fairly strong suspicions and there were probably bruises on Roland and Henry’s ankles too. “A child,” Robin said again. “The most child.”

“Childish,” Emma corrected. “That’s the word you’re looking for. And you guys are distracting me from my point and my plan, so can you just be charmed by my kid for, like, two seconds and then we can all try and sleep.”

“Maybe,” Killian said. Will gagged.

“What’d you practice, Dr. J?” he asked.

Matt’s eyes widened, a hint of nerves, and Killian’s eyes met Emma’s. She smiled. “It’s ok, kid,” she said, tugging lightly on the side of his jersey and the ‘C’ on his shoulder was almost too obvious.

He made a noise, not quite an agreement because he wasn’t quite three, but he tilted his head slightly and it was a bit like watching a replay of several decades before and Killian barely heard Ruby’s quiet laughter over the ringing in his ears.

“A record,” Matt yelled. “Chic…chich…Chickaaago had lots of snow and no planes. And there were snowmen!”

“We looked at pictures,” Emma explained, and Killian’s laugh was shaky and a bit emotional, but Ruby might have still been melting and there was a snow job win there somewhere.

“That was good, Dr. J,” Will grinned. “Thanks for the facts. And the interesting pronunciation attempt.”

“It’s a work in progress.”

“Ah, I’ve got no doubt.”

“A record, Swan, really?” Killian asked, and she was already nodding.

“Oh yeah, something historic this February and more snow this month and some other things about global warming that I figured were way too heavy to talk about with a toddler, but we looked up some stuff and Henry was almost interested in the information before Roland reminded him that he’d won the first round of hockey. And we’re horrible influences because they made some kind of bet about rules I don’t understand.”

“They wrote them down,” Robin said. “Gina made sure if they were going to keep doing this, there was some kind of plan. That way when they shout at each other about cheating, we know what they’re talking about.”

“Proactive.”

“I’ve got some dad-type experience.”

Emma hummed, eyes flitting back towards Killian and he was going to sprain several face muscles. “I’m fine, love,” he said, answering a question she hadn’t asked. She held onto Matt a little tired.

“Long week” she muttered, and they were finally starting to get off the plane, Phillip shouting for them from the back of the cabin and he refused to sit near any of them ever, something about sleep and voice levels and it was more than fair.

Killian nodded. “Yeah, it was. Tomorrow, love. Thanks for the facts.”

“Figured it might be a good distraction.”

“Good instincts.”

“Something like that.”

“I love you,” he said, and Will had the good sense not to make any noise.

Emma’s eyes definitely got greener. “I love you too. Tomorrow. No snow. Except maybe the snowmen.”

“Did you promise to build snowmen, Swan?”

“There had to be some give and take in this practice, Cap.”

“Ah, of course.”

She shrugged, but she was still smiling and Matt appeared to be on the cusp of sleep already, exhausted once his job was done. “Tomorrow,” Emma repeated, and Killian didn’t really sleep that night, but he didn’t have to walk home, and there wasn’t any turbulence on the next flight.

There were, however, several detailed drawings for snowmen and photos on their next off day and no one got bruised in the rather extravagant snowball fight they staged in Central Park.

[cipherr]

(sorry for the P A I N) Razhie: 4, 5, 14, 16, 26, 32, 44!; Najha: 22, 29!; Haveni: 2, 6!; Sievve: 7, 20!

Razhie:

4. Has your character ever witnessed something that fundamentally changed them? If so, does anyone else know?she’s seen some shit :’) there’s definitely more than one, for sure. watching her horrible master get shot right in front of her changed her, but in a good way, because she felt like she finally could be free and become her own person outside of being someone’s property. another big one was the destruction of Ziost. she’d never seen that much death before, and so instantaneously. i think that was especially impactful to her because it solidified all the feelings and motives and drives she’d been starting to have. she knew she had to do whatever she could to put a stop to it all, as impossible as it seemed. gave her a great motivation to push forward, in any case :’)[EDIT] SHIT I JUST NOTICED I LEFT OUT THE SECOND PART OF THE QUESTIONZiost was a pretty big catastrophe, it’s not exactly a secret. i think the only people who would have known what an impact it had on her would have been Vector and, eventually, Lana. but as for the other part, she doesn’t talk about her past, especially not her pre-Intelligence days. (and she doesn’t talk about her Intelligence days for obvious reasons)part of her thinks that revealing her past trauma gives people more ammunition to use against her. and i mean, she is kind of right, so :’) poor thing.

5. On an average day, what can be found in your character’s pockets?she tends to travel pretty light :’D just general useful things like a small portable data spike, pocket knife, stuff like that. she doesn’t carry anything of any sentimental value around. she tends to get banged up pretty badly and anything important to her would have a very high chance of getting destroyed LMAO

14. Does your character remember names or faces easier?faces. she never, ever forgets a face. it can be life or death for her.

16. Which does your character idealize most: happiness or success?happiness for sure, which is sad because she’s clearly very successful… but not very happy ;w;and she’s pretty resigned to the thought that she’s never going to be able to have happiness beyond whatever fleeting moments she gets amidst the chaos in her life.

26. How does your character behave around children?she doesn’t really know what to do with them tbh :’D she does her best to look uninteresting/vaguely threatening so they leave her alone. doesn’t always work, sometimes they gawk. if some tot does come up to her for whatever reason though, she’s generally good-natured about it, if dismissive. thankfully she doesn’t have to deal with kids very much.

32. Describe a scenario in which your character feels most uncomfortable.any situation in which she feels outsmarted/helpless/without any sort of control. she’s pretty much only comfortable if she feels like she’s at least two steps ahead. so taking it all away makes her feel incredibly vulnerable, and she’s been there enough thank you very much. 

44. How easy or difficult is it for your character to say “I love you?” Can they say it without meaning it?it’s actually harder for her to say it if she means it. she can absolutely say it without meaning it if she feels she has to…she’s manipulative as hell, after all :’) but regarding people who are actually important to her…it’s harder because she’s got this fear that if she says it, one way or another, she’s going to lose them. whether they leave, disappear, get killed, doesn’t matter. she knows how irrational it is, but it bothers her anyway.ouch. :’))

Najha: 

22. What does your character like in other people?she really likes individuality and a strong sense of self, plus a more mature kind of self confidence, even defiance. which is kinda funny coming from her, since she’s a pretty twisted Sith. she also likes when people grovel at her feet like worms. so i mean ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Najha is an enigma LMAO

29. What did your character dream of being or doing as a child? Did that dream come true?all she really dreamed of was being free. she never had anything specific in mind, because in her mind freedom itself was such a grand and unobtainable thing that nothing else would have mattered to her. like she couldn’t even comprehend a life in freedom, to be able to do whatever she wanted.did it come true? she’s now Darth Nox. she has a seat on the Dark Council. you tell me :’)(in some twisted way…it kind of didn’t. she’s still a prisoner of the Sith power structure, even as a Dark Council member. it’s pretty much something you can only escape in death, and even then, many Sith seem to not be so lucky. so it’s all a matter of if she can stay on top. and she’s crazy enough…she just might :’))

Haveni:

2. What is/was your character’s relationship with their mother like?it was good. her and Sievve’s mother was soft and gentle and kind. she was very proud of her daughters, since they both showed great promise before they left for Tython. once they left, however, they never saw their parents again. that’s actually pretty normal for Jedi, unfortunately :’)

6. Does your character have recurring themes in their dreams?she dreams of…voids, and abysses a lot. of all kinds. deep oceans, black holes, giant chasms in the ground. these dreams unsettle her greatly. she doesn’t like to think about what they might mean.

Sievve:

7. Does your character have recurring themes in their nightmares?Sievve is kind of unique (we’ll go with that :’D) in that she doesn’t really classify any of her dreams as nightmares. even the scary/unpleasant ones. she sees all dreams she has as just another communication with the Force. she doesn’t even necessarily think all dreams are true, or show what is meant to come, or anything like that. she does remember them, though.as for any actual themes…no, not really. her dreams are pretty abstract and don’t have much clarity at face value. she thinks this might be because she’s given away so much of herself to shield or save others. her dreams feel like they’re missing a lot of little pieces.

20. In what ways does your character compare themselves to others? Do they do this for the sake of self-validation, or self-criticism?she tries not to compare too much, since everyone is their own unique person with their own unique perspectives and methods and attitudes and worldviews, so in her mind, no two people can truly be fairly comparable. though she does always pay attention to how people handle themselves in times of crisis or misfortune, since she thinks that’s the truest show of character. it’s…pretty rare to find anyone who’s more cool-headed than she is, but if she does, she definitely makes note :’D so in that way i guess it’s self-criticism, but in a constructive way. she just wants to be the best that she can be.

THESE WERE FANTASTIC thank youuuuu so much lovely

[caroline18mars]

Into the night - Chapter 111

For Dan and Denis, I love you, always! <3

The doorbell singsonged through their conversation much to Jordan's relief, the conversation was getting too close for comfort “Ah food! Finally! I'm starving” she tried to get up but Jared stopped her “I'll get it, you choose something to watch” he stood up, he didn't want to push her too much to talk about it, it was clear she liked to wrap herself up in denial. Jordan reached for the remote, that Jared had put next to her, without looking but instead her fingers wrapped around Jared's phone, a strange text showing on the screen 'she's doing irreperable damage to your career, how much longer before you wake up and smell the coffee? Hopefully before bankruptcy! So please stop hiding and deal with this once and for all, I know this isn't exactly great timing but she has to go' with a lot of rolling eyes emojis next to it. Jordan's breath got stuck in her throat and the phone dropped from her hand like it was on fire, this was about her? Oh god, why did she have to read that? She never snooped around in anyone's phone. “I hope you're hungry, I ordered way too much, guess I'm so used to have an entire army around to feed that I forgot it's just the two of us!” Jared came walking back into the room with a tray full of boxes with fragrant food, his voice making her freeze up. “Uhm..yeah..can you excuse me for a second?” Jordan stood up and with her head hung low she hurried out of the room, leaving Jared standing there completely clueless “Jordan..wait..what..” he tried to stop her but she was already out of hearing range. Jordan quickly locked the door of the bathroom behind her and sighed as she looked into the huge mirror in front of her, it was like the words on the little screen just now were projected on the mirror like a big neon sign, her mind was racing. Jared loved her, but what if what she read was true? What if she did irreparable damage to his career? The tabloids were probably having a field trip with this and his fans were more than likely fed up with him, now that he was off the market, he seemed to invest all of his time in her and her problems instead of them. She just couldn't let that happen, she refused to, she didn't want to drive him to bankruptcy and then get the blame for it afterwards, think Jordan, just think..she couldn't just up and leave again, she needed to think of Noah and give him a stable life first. “Babe..you ok?” Jared knocking on the door made her swirling thoughts stop and she bit her lip “I'll be right out” she hastened to put his mind at ease and quickly wiped her moist eyes while she waited for him to leave before she could come out but she knew he still had his ear to the door. Jared could hear the strain on her voice, she was crying that was obvious, torn between wanting to give her a bit of space and just wanting to be with her, he hovered around the bathroomdoor for a few more seconds but then gave her that bit of privacy. Jordan took a deep breath and tried to put on a brave face when she slowly unlocked the door and walked back into the living room where Jared was filling up a plate for her, “I just realized that I don't know if you actually even like seaweed, I'll take this plate if you want” Jared's head shot up, trying to hide his nervousness. “No, it's fine, I love seaweed” she sat down, a shiver running down her spine as she glanced at the phone that was still face down on the couch, so he had no clue she had read the text. “Here you go” he handed her the plate and a fork and sat down next to her “wanna tell me what that was about?” he looked at her, “Uhm, nothing, just a bit of nausea..so what are we watching?” yet again she showed how much of an expert she had become at dodging difficult questions, or at least that's what she thought she was doing, because Jared didn't believe a word of it, but he just didn't want to put her on the spot, everyone had told him to be patient with her and that was exactly what he was going to be.

”The best ramen this side of LA, I totally agree” Jared shoved some more food on his plate “do you want some more?” but Jordan shook her head and put her hand on her stomach “I think I'm gonna burst if I eat any more” before she put her empty plate on the coffee table. Jared looked at her plate with a content feeling, he finally saw her finish a plate of food, something he hadn't seen in forever “you know, we should do this more often..just the two of us”, Jordan stretched her legs as she nestled herself deeper into the couch “yeah..” she breathed, did he really mean that? How could she be sure? After reading that text?. Jared slurped his ramen and let his foot deliberately slide against hers, their eyes connecting as well for a second before Jordan diverted her stare back to the television but to his delight she kept her foot exactly where it was, intertwined with his, it was a start, it was definitely a start. After a couple of hours of hanging around, his phone bleeped the arrival of another text and it made her jump a bit, she blinked a few times looking at him but he just ignored it, “aren't you gonna read that?” she was dying of curiosity all of a sudden, “nope! I'm gonna switch it off, that's what I'm gonna do” he reluctantly grabbed his phone like it was the most annoying thing ever. “But what if it's Nahla or Shannon? What if there's something wrong with Noah?” she protested, if he hadn't read the first text yet then he sure would now and she wanted to see his reaction to it, just to put her mind at ease. He sighed as he grabbed his phone and started reading. She held her breath studying his facial features but he kept a straight face, there wasn't the raised eyebrow or the typical slight twitch in his jaw like he had when he was nervous or upset, “so? Who is it?” she frowned but the only reaction she got was a nervous lie “nothing..just..two app notifications” he stammered and this time he did switch the phone off. “Oh!” she bit her lip, she had never heard him lie to her until now and she totally didn't know how to deal with that so all dissapointed she pushed herself back to her feet, “where are you going?” Jared frowned at her, not wanting to let her leave again. “Bed, I'm really tired” she snapped all annoyed “what room do you want me in?”, Jared stared at her dumbfounded “what room? What do you mean? Mine of course, ours, our room! What kind of a question is that?” he hadn't counted on them sleeping apart and he sure as hell wasn't going to start now, “Fine..good night” she turned on our heels and left the room, leaving him to wonder about what had just happened. Jordan kicked off her slippers, mumbling to herself as she pulled the ridiculous amount of cushions from the bed, making them fly across the room, how could he lie to her this way? Did he think she was stupid? And all of a sudden an enormous wave of homesickness crashed over her, was it normal to feel this alone in a relationship? Or was it just the aftermath of the horror she had experienced? Everything was so up in the air lately, she wanted to feel loved and make this relationship work, but did he? Or was he just playing the sympathy card? How much drama could a relationship take? It had been drama non-stop for Jared ever since he had been with Charlotte..Charlotte..her mind drifted off to that night where she had been eye-to-eye with the real love of his life..she still hadn't told him about that..should she? A sudden bolt of pain shot through her battered heart and caught her by surprise she had to support herself by putting her hands flat on the mattress “Uhhh” a painful moan exited her lips as she tried to catch her breath.

That's how Jared found her, bent over her side of the bed in a perfect 90 degrees angle moaning and puffing, “what is it?” he instantly shot over to her, putting his hands on her hips, “it's nothing, it'll pass..” she mumbled through gritted teeth as she wriggled her hips a bit to escape his hands. Jared knew he had to act quick and grabbed the phone from the nightstand, “I'm calling you an ambulance” his thumb flew over the keys punching in the 911 number but before he could hit the call button, her hand reached back and slapped the phone out of his hands “for fuck's sakes Jordan” he snapped. Jordan rapidly blinked a few times, puffing through the pain that was now slowly starting to subside “ok..whoa” she swallowed hard and was finally able to sit down, she didn't have to look up to know that Jared was staring down at her with worry scribbled all over his face. Jared saw her relax a bit and picked up the phone from the floor, putting it back in its' stand before he sat down next to her, feeling completely useless and helpless around her and this irratic behaviour of hers, instinctively his hand lifted, he just wanted to put his arm around her and feel close to her again, but before it could land on her back she pushed herself back up to her feet “I'm just..gonna brush my teeth” and slowly walked to the bathroom, leaving him to sit there with his heart in his hands. For the second time that night, the mirror reflected her ashen face as she stared at herself, this was a disaster, no she was a disaster, she couldn't think straight anymore and her heart was severely punishing her for it, if her thoughts would just stop swirling at a million miles an hour for a second.. “Hey..” Jared leaned against the doorframe with his arms folded over his chest, his eyes looking for hers in the mirror “can we talk?” he hummed. “Uhmm..yeah..” she quickly reached for her toothbrush and lathered it up with toothpaste, anything was good to escape his prying eyes “just.give me a minute..I'll be right out” she heard herself say, oh great now she was going to have to explain herself when she didn't even understand herself what had just happened. Jared nodded and slowly pushed himself away from the door but instead of turning to go, he stepped inside the bathroom and stopped to grab his own toothbrush, put toothpaste on it and started brushing as well while he stood next to her in silence, refusing to break their eyecontact in the mirror, studying each other's every move. She was the first to break the spell, rinsed, dried her mouth and felt his stare burn into her back as she tiptoed out of the bathroom and slid into bed, tucking herself in like she was building a fortress made of duvet and covers around her.

In complete silence, Jared walked back into the bedroom, muscles clearly rippling under his skin as he pulled his T-shirt over his head, revealing his glorious, naked chest, for some strange reason she couldn't keep her eyes off it like she hadn't seen it in ages but at the same time she couldn't help but take a deep, sharp breath when the mattress dipped and he stretched out next to her. Jared rolled on his side and struggled to stay on his side of the bed, he always loved to slide up to her and hold her so she could snuggle up to him and put her head on his chest, it was always his favorite moment of the day, but right now it felt like he was in bed with a complete stranger. “So..wanna tell me what just happened?” he put his arm under his head, “I told you it was nothing..just my heart going into overdrive..it's gone now and I'm sorry if I worried you, I didn't mean to..” Jordan shrugged, like it wasn't such a big deal but it was, it was a huge deal. “Jordan, please, stop! You've been acting distant with me all night..” he started trying not to ruffle any more feathers but it was too late, her blood was already boiling “Distant? Who me? Really Jay? So all this nonsense of us spending some quality time together was just staged because you thought it would get you laid?” she gritted her teeth. Jared's head shot up from his pillow “What?! No of course not! So, if I want to spend quality time with you, it's nonsense? That's just fantastic” he snarled, he knew he was getting way too worked up but he couldn't help himself, all the pent up anger and frustration of the last couple of days was coming out in torrents “let me tell you something, if I wanted to get laid, I could have easily gone out and done it, ok? Especially with the frequency in our sex life or the lack there of” the minute he blurted the words out, he knew he had gone too far. Jordan felt every vicious word tear through her already broken heart but she'd be damned if she would let him show how distressed she was “excuse me? So this is what it all comes down to, you're not happy with our sex life because you're not getting any pussy? Djeezes Jared, this is the first time I hear of it, you could've at least told me you weren't happy before you went cheating on me” she quickly shot up into a sitting position, nervously pushing her hair back, she wanted to run, run as far away from this bed as possible, so why didn't she? Maybe she really was a masochist. Jared's mouth went dry and he pushed himself up on his elbow “I AM NOT” he realized he was shouting, so he tried to lower his voice “I am not cheating on you..” he tried to choose his words carefully which wasn't easy because he knew this was turning into a huge fight. “Just stop lying to me, Jared! First you tell me you're not getting any with me which is obviously making you very unhappy and then you're telling me that you're not cheating on me? With your reputation? You really want me to believe that the thought hasn't crossed your mind? With thousands of girls and women willing to throw themselves at your feet? What kind of an idiot do you take me for?” she nearly vomited the words, this entire fight was making her feel sick to her stomach. Jared was getting so angry he thought it wise to put some distance between them so he quickly got out of bed, mumbling and cursing under his breath but stopped at the foot of the bed “For the last time, I'm not cheating on you, Jordan! But the way you're acting, I'm really starting to regret that decision”. Angrily he grabbed a T-shirt and started pulling it over his head, she knew she should shut up now but she just couldn't help herself “Oh, don't let me stop you, go on, go call one of your little bitches on the side right now and tell her what a pest I am to you, I'm sure she'll be able to give you exactly what you obviously crave so much” Jordan viciously shouted. “Great idea! I'll go do that right away, at least I'll get my dick sucked instead of having to listen to that stupid bitching of yours” he yelled at her, his furious eyes shooting daggers at her one last time before he stomped out of the room and slammed the door shut behind him with an almighty bang. Jordan's ears were ringing, the adrenalin still pumping through her veins as she sat there staring at the door in complete shock, he hadn't denied that he had been unhappy with her all along..this was it, this was the end..tears of frustration started rolling down her cheeks as she pulled up her legs and buried her face between her knees sobbing her heart out.

[lawlilight]

Netflix Death Note: My Thoughts

So the long awaited American adaptation of Death Note arrived on Netflix on Friday the 25th of August, and it’s clear to see that the reviews are certainly mixed.

Let’s just jump right in and get down to the many faults with this adaptation.

Note* This isn’t all doom and gloom, as I think there is definitely some room for appraisal. There will be many spoilers ahead but who cares, right?

Light Turner (Light Yagami):

Light is essentially a bit of a loser, taking crap from bullies and even from L. As we know from the anime, Light isn’t hesitant on throwing in a good ol’ punch to the face. Yet in this adaptation, Light seems to just accept any grief that he is presented with. In addition to this, Light appears to be a bit of a loner, as we never see him socialising with any friends. Now in the anime, whilst it wasn’t common for Light to have the boys around for a few games of Mario Kart, he was still acknowledged around school to “hang out” with other students, but he of course declined because he’s a busy bee with a rotten world to cleanse

Another point to mention regarding Netflix Light is how careless he is. At many moments throughout the movie, Light can be seen shouting about the Death Note whilst in loud conversation with Mia (Misa Amane) and he even has his Death Note out on his lap during gym class. Whereas we all know that anime Light would never do something like that. He understood the importance of keeping the Death Note hidden from absolutely everyone, and wouldn’t dare openly talk about it in public. Because why would he be so careless? He wouldn’t. This links in to Lights intelligence, or so to say, craftiness.

Netflix Light doesn’t appear to be the brains of the operation, except at a few key points towards the end of the movie. throughout the anime, Light had his head screwed on from the start, and he allowed absolutely nothing to get in his way. He also wouldn’t sacrifice the Death Note for anyone or anything (except when Sayu, but of course he had a plan to wind up getting the Death Note back) In the Netflix adaptation, it is more Mia who has true intentions for the Death Note, and it appears that Light doesn’t really have everything set in stone, as he did in the anime. I’ll elaborate more on that when I discuss Mia’s character.

A crucial key aspect to mention is that at no point did Light proclaim “I am the God of the new world”, which is severely disappointing,as anime Light genuinely believed that he was Justice, but Netflix Light just wants to be a do-gooder and be rid of the bad guys. Netflix Light also never has a psychotic moment of ranting to Ryuk, himself, or anyone for that matter. Anime Light is iconic for having random outbursts of craziness, as all great characters do, but Netflix Light is pretty chill throughout the movie, with the exception of the moments in which he thought he was about to get caught out. I just believe that it would’ve been more enjoyable for Netflix Light to have been portrayed as the Evil Genius that we know him as.

Now onto Mia Sutton (Misa Amane):

In complete contrast to Anime Misa, a cute blonde model with a slight sinister streak, Mia Sutton is a dark haired edgy cheerleader who smokes (see? bad habits = bad movie) In a weird way, from watching Mia, I got the feeling that she was more suited to be Light Yagami than what Netflix Light was. Let me explain: At the beginning of the movie, Mia is the typical semi-popular good looking cheerleader. However, the look on her face is like a constant expression of boredom, similar to anime Light at the beginning. When Mia discovers the power of Lights Death Note, she is the one who is more keen on changing the world, as though it was her all along who has been “bored” of how things have been working out in the legal system, and as though she is the one with the real desire to be rid of all criminals in the world. This includes the lives of innocents who stand in her way.

The key difference between Mia and Misa is that Mia’s drive to use the Death Note is for her own personal desire, and she is very willing to throw Light under the bus, as revealed when she wrote his name in the notebook and promised to burn it so long as he gave her ownership of it. Whereas Misa on the other hand done everything under Lights instruction, and wouldn’t dare step out of line. This can be said to be because Misa was infatuated with Light, therefore her use of the Death Note was to assist him. If anything, Mia is more problematic to Light, despite being clever, that what Misa was.

This adaptation really spun things around for Misa’s character, as it conveyed Mia as intelligent, and only looking out for herself. I suppose this is only considered a fault if you prefer the original Misa.

Furthermore, the relationship between Light and Mia is also in stark contrast to Light and Misa. Netflix Light appears to be genuinely in love with Mia, and it actually seems that he is more interested in her than what she is with him, as we can assume she is only in it for the Death Note. Anime Light has zero romantic attraction to Misa, and only kept her safe as he was under threat from Rem. If it wasn’t for that, Light would’ve disposed of Misa in a heartbeat in order to make matters less problematic for himself. And yes, whilst we can say “but Netflix Light wrote Mia’s name in the Death Note” I don’t believe that was his intention from the start. I think he genuinely loved Mia, but upon realising that she was going behind his back and eventually holding his life against him, he had to fight back.

Another cringe detail on Mia and Lights relationship is how edgy and quirky they are. Their relationship is portrayed as slightly darker than anime Light and Misa. For example, they “make out” whilst writing names in the notebook. Honestly, how twisted does one have to be to get in the mood whilst killing people? In addition to their edge & quirk, Netflix Light has a “normal people scare me” picture in his locker, next to a picture of the two of them, Light and Mia. C'mon guys, only the edgiest of teens own American Horror Story merchandise. Having said that, I do see a slight resemblance between Netflix Light and Mia to Evan Peters and Emma Roberts… Oh, not to mention their edgy homecoming pictures. Choking? Very edgy indeed.

Now onto L:

Whilst my thoughts on L may be bias, as he is my favourite character in the anime and the movie, I am able to acknowledge his faults. Let’s start with his irrationality. For the beginning of the movie, Netflix L appeared to walk in similar footsteps to that of anime L, with some minor changes such as the way in which he addressed Kira during a press release, and confronted Light in a cafe of sorts. However, the calm and collected demeanour suddenly shifts after Watari’s disappearance, when L begins to panic. Instead of taking a rational approach, as anime L would, Netflix L decides to let his emotions get the better of him, and carries out a series of irrational behaviours: starting with almost assaulting Light at his house, before being stopped by a poorly portrayed Soichiro Yagami (but more on that later), then onto stealing a police car and, whilst being armed with a gun, recklessly chases after Light, and then attempts to shoot him. As we have witnessed in the anime, L isn’t keen on moving around much, so this adaptation was probably a bit too quick and fast to suit anime L. Another mistake Netflix L makes is announcing to a bystander that he is a detective and Light is Kira, and that’s why he’s pointing a gun at him. Of course, L is ultimately struck down by this bystander, allowing Light to escape. What was disappointing about this was that anime L would’ve known that virtually anyone could be a Kira supporter, and would’ve done anything to protect who they thought was Kira, so the real rational minded L wouldn’t have made that announcement. To be fair, the real rational minded L wouldn’t have been having a physical showdown with Kira in the back alley of a restaurant in the first place.

My final kick at Netflix L is that he’s a bit of a crybaby, very much unlike anime L. Throughout the movie, Netflix L is shown to be very passionate about justice and all that business, but he seems a little /too/ passionate. He is even seen to be crying at the end of the movie, which we know is very uncommon for the original L. This can be perceived to make L look weak, and sort of as though he’s lost the “war”.

In conclusion to Netflix L, this adaptation managed to maintain his quirks and mannerisms, however I do believe that he was made to be more emotional, which I guess is a good thing as we get to see that he is a real human.

Ok so here’s a lil list of various other flaws that aren’t necessarily worth making a big rant about:

•Watari’s name is Watari, and not an alias. This made it easy for Light (well technically Mia) to kill him.

•Wammy’s house has a different name, and it’s also dead. The orphanage has been abandoned and it just looks sad.

•The guy who played the guy who’s supposed to be Soichiro Yagami (cba learning the names) was not the best at all. His performance was so dry and pretty much annoying. The real daddy yagami wouldn’t stand for this.

•There is no Mello, Near, Matt, or any of the task force.

•Lights mum is dead and there isn’t a little sister who can’t do quadratic equations.

•Everything seems to move a bit too fast in the film, so I think that if you weren’t familiar with Death Note, then you’d probably be confused as to what’s happening.

•Ryuk isn’t that thing in the corner that laughs maniacally and makes the odd quip. Instead, he’s quite keen on making Light give up the Death Note, as he can see the trouble it’s causing. Anime Ryuk is preferable as he thrived off the chaos, which made his character more appealing.

There are most likely many more but I feel like I’ve dug deep enough.

I have to admit, the soundtrack for the Netflix adaptation was actually really good

[igotbabymuscles]

I haven’t really talked much about mental health on here, but I’m going to try because it’s a huge part of overall health. You can eat healthy and exercise, but if you have a mental illness that’s trying to take over, the simple act of running or figuring out what to eat can become overwhelming.

Yesterday was one of those kinds of days for me. This is going to be a long post, so scroll on or click the read more tab.

I don’t just have this sideblog and my writing blog. I also have a blog to write down a lot of personal memories and feelings as a type of catharsis. If I felt as though no one would bother reading it and it was just for me, I’d probably post this over there. As it is, I feel as though this may benefit those in the healthblr community who may suffer in silence.

I’ve always been pretty public and outspoken about... well, everything. But I debated posting this because yesterday felt like such a massive setback. I’m still trying to convince myself that it’s one day, one panic attack. It’s going to happen, so the best thing to do is ride it out. But the truth is, it’s not just one day.

I do what I can to stay productive and keep my anxiety at bay, but over the past few days it’s built and no amount of distractions has managed to prevent the attack I had.

My type of anxiety is... how do I even explain this? I rarely get nervous around people, though everyone who’s ever hung around me will tell you I’m socially awkward, quirky, or socially inept, depending on their perspective. I mean, it’s not a lie. I used to feel more comfortable performing my music in front of a 200 people than around two or three people.

There are certain tasks that overwhelm me. Talking on the phone, asking anyone for help even if it’s something simple, sometimes doing the dishes can seem like Mount Everest. There are times where I feel like I’m waiting for something to happen before I can accomplish a task.

But the worst aspect of my anxiety is the invasive thoughts. I tried to explain to my significant other how it works, but he didn’t fully understand so bear with me. I’m bombarded with images and thoughts that enter my head and I have no idea how to control them. If I’m at the doctor’s office to get blood drawn, images enter my head like the nurse stabbing me in the neck with a syringe, or a violent earthquake happening as soon as they stick the needle in my vein. If I’m at home and look at myself in the mirror, catch a glimpse at my collarbone and an image of me falling and breaking that bone will enter my mind.

If there’s movement in my abdomen, it’s probably gas but my brain first thinks: “you’re pregnant or you have cancer”.

Couple all of this with the fact that I get brain fog all the time. There’s probably an hour of recording time where I’m just stuck in that fog - recording for my youtube videos. It’s scary because it feels like my brain froze and I don’t know how to reboot it.

Yesterday I was recording my Monday check-in when that happened. Then I got hit with a barrage of invasive thoughts. I had been having moments like this over the past couple weeks, but my logical thought process kept telling myself: “This isn’t real. Just ride it out.”

And I tried. But I became so upset with the fact that I can’t even control my own thoughts, and that the last time it was this bad was when I moved to this state. I told my first son’s grandma that I thought I should be medicated and so that’s what I did. I started running more, I started doing my youtube videos more, and even though I still had panic attacks, they weren’t as bad and I recovered easily.

I haven’t really had very many panic attacks since moving in with my significant other. There’s too much I want to do. I have depressive episodes, manic episodes, but the last attack I had before yesterday was in early December and I thought it had a lot to do with being vitamin deficient.

January was a good month, and even though I had cut so much from my diet, I felt good and like I was getting on track with my organizing. February came along and this entire month I’ve felt disorganized and unfocused. I felt depressed before my period and completely manic during my period and the week after.

I woke up yesterday and started writing my Monday list; I was convinced that despite being exhausted I would still be productive. By the time the boys went down for a nap, I thought “Ok well, I gotta start recording for Youtube.” But by the time I put on my face and started recording, I was hit by brain fog. I got so frustrated and the invasive thoughts started.

That’s the thing, there’s not always a trigger and I can’t really say what the trigger was yesterday because I’ve handled my anxiety so well that it shouldn’t have happened.

But it did. I couldn’t stop crying, I felt a heavy weight on my chest, and there was a moment where I looked in the mirror and thought, “I don’t know who that is. That’s not me.” For the next several hours, I kinda felt broken and I went on autopilot. The invasive thoughts came in flashes. I thought I wouldn’t recover and I remember feeling like I couldn’t tell anyone because it would be too much, it would worry them.

But my significant other called a few times and talked to me. I told him what happened and explained how I didn’t feel like myself. When he asked what triggered it, I told him I don’t know but it’s been a long time since that has happened so that must mean I’m either convincing myself that it’s worse than it really is, or I really need to be medicated and I’ve been in denial about my mental health.

Up until our third came home from school, I felt like I was in this post-attack fog. I got through all the regular mom duties, but I didn’t feel like me while doing any of it. By the time he got home from school, things became a little more clear but I still didn’t feel normal.

My friend explained it like this: “After a panic attack, you have to reprogram your brain. It’s like when you’re drunk but you sober up awake instead of just sleeping it off.”

When my SO got off of work and called, he had me walk him through my mental state and then he asked if I wanted Taco Bell. I planned on not eating - don’t worry, I already lectured myself but in my mind, I thought I would just get through everything until my SO got home and then I’d get the kids prepped for bed, I’d shower and lay in bed.

I was so overwhelmed and exhausted from the attack that I cried. He laughed which made me feel better. I know there are people who feel like our interactions are insensitive, but even when we talk about serious stuff, we have to joke with each other. It makes things feel less heavy.

When he got home, the kids were almost done with the dinner I made. I don’t even know how I managed it to be honest. I always end up on autopilot whenever my mental illness tries to beat me down. After the kids were asleep, he said he wanted to talk to me about what was going on in my head.

So I told him. I told him about how I knew that more than half of the stuff in my head was irrational. I knew that I was most likely psyching myself out. I told him how frustrating it is to be bombarded with these thoughts when all I wanted to do was record and write out my dailies for the week, and do everything that I want to do.

He asked what he could do to help and I said, “literally nothing. If I can’t control what’s going on up there, there’s nothing you can do to help.” After more talking, I said something about crying, and he said, “That doesn’t bother me, you always cry.” Then I started laughing because, well, true.

We discussed how I wanted to just focus on the little things this week. Baby accomplishments, until I felt normal again. He was on board with it.

I don’t really know what else to say. Yesterday was just not something I want to happen again. It was scary and exhausting, and again, feels like a huge setback.

I’m trying to find the good in each day but it’s hard when that happens. I’m definitely grateful for my kids and my significant other for keeping me grounded and creating a place for me to talk.

[zappycat]

heres a little something I wrote from one of @the-modern-typewriter ‘s prompts the italics are what’s from  the original prompt and the normal typeface is mine, I may continue writing this i don’t know it’s still very rough so keep that in mind. anyway enjoy

“Why didn’t you tell me you’re hurt?” Jonathan voice dropped dangerous. One hand wrapped tight around his brothers shirt, keeping him from hiding the bruises splotched carelessly across his ribs. “Who?” 

Jacob said nothing, eyes downcast towards a spot on the carpet “Who?” The urge to break, to protect, to ruin, burned in his blood, nobody could hurt his little brother and get away with it. “Just drop it.” “Why won’t you tell me?” “Because you react like this!” It exploded out of him. Jacob tugged away from his older brother, breathing hard, forgetting about the pain in his ribs. “Because I get so much as a scratch, and you react like this! God, you should see the look on your face.” “I’m trying to protect you!” “I haven’t got the screams out of my head from the last time you tried to protect me.” Jacob laughed, hysterical. “I can’t sleep for thinking about it.” Jonathan stared stunned. pulling his younger brother into a hug,he didn’t want to bring him into his world, but it seemed like he didn’t have a choice, Jacob was starting to develop his powers and that would mean bounty hunters coming after him again and he would have to know how to protect himself. If Jonathan had a choice he would keep his brother in the dark where it was safe but life had a funny way of making a lot of the choices before he could, he felt tears sting his own eyes now, it was to late to stop them from falling as soon as his breath hitched he felt his brother’s head shift against his chest, he wasn’t use to seeing Jonathan cry because Jonathan wasn’t use to crying, it had been a long time since he let himself and it was terrifying to feel like he didn’t have any control, his chest tight trapping his breath in his lungs.

“I promised mom and dad I would keep you safe, I already almost failed once and I won’t let it happen again” Jonathan pulled Jacob closer, forgetting for a second his brother who was still chuckling numbly, desperately clinging to his sanity he was all to familiar with this path and he desperately wanted to block it off before his brother could start down it.

“You’re doing a shitty job” Jacob said, struggling out of his brothers arms, it stung to hear him say that, he had to compose himself to keep himself from shouting, because it was the truth he had done a horrible job and Jacob already saw the worst side of him to much and he had to change that.

“Unless protecting his murdering innocent people, than yeah, you’re doing great Jonathan” that was it for him.

“Those people weren’t innocent!” he snapped, clenching his fists Jacob just stared at him shaking his head giving him  a’ tell me then, what did they do’ kind of look, Jonathan took a breath, leading his little brother to the living room. It would probably be better for both of them if they were sitting, there was a lot and Jonathan wasn’t even sure he understood most of it himself.

“Jake, they were bounty hunters.” Jonathan said, his brother gave him a confused look.

“They hunt people like us, anomalies. For money I don’t know why they do it but it’s been this way for a long time” he jumped in before Jacob could question. It would be better to just go through with out interruptions, tell the whole story then let him ask all the  questions he wanted after.

“That’s what happened to mom and dad, I told you it was a car crash because you were young, you didn’t have powers yet it wasn’t something you had to worry about then” he sighed closing his eyes. “But now…well let’s just say you’re on their hit lists” Jonathan watched the fear creep into his little brothers eyes, he didn’t even know the half of it and he was still in the right mind to be scared.

“What is an anomaly?” he asked, looking up at Jonathan with wide eyes, scared holding back tears, Jonathan thought for a moment, what the best way would be to tell him in a way that would make it sound like they were still human the way he liked to think about it.

“People who were born with powers, kind of like in your comics” he said hoping that would make it less awful for him to think about, it didn’t seem to work Jacob still looked at him eyes bugging out of his head with fear suddenly the door opened and Mason, one of Jonathan’s ‘employees came in, although he liked to think of them more like family even if they were working for him. it was more of a barter, he kept them safe from bounty hunters and they in turn helped him. Mason was definitely family, he’d been living with him since before it was just Jonathan and his brother, in fact he was like another sibling, Jonathan sometimes had to catch himself from hovering over him the same way he did to Jacob, he hated the idea of him going out during the day even if he knew he was perfectly capable of taking care of himself. The thought of losing anyone was terrifying to him.

“Like Mason” he looked up at his name, Jonathan continued his brother still looked panicked, desperately he looked over to the spot Mason was, hoping he would be of some help but he already retreated to the basement, Jonathan’s 'lair’ as Jacob often called it teasingly. If he only knew  It was huge, much bigger than the inside of the house would suggest.

“Am I gonna change like he did, I don’t want to be a alligator person” Jacob said, eyes impossibly wider, hands clinging to Jonathan’s arm in a panic, so tight that he was sure it would leave a hand shaped bruise on his arm, powers or not, a scared kid was an unstoppable force that even an unmovable object can’t stop, at least this one was.  

“No, probably not, he’s always been like that so you’ll probably stay the same annoying brat as always” he said, trying to loosen his brothers death grip. “What ever happens Jake, I’ll help you I’ll keep you safe but for now, just stay on the DL, don’t do anything stupid ok.”  Jacob nodded resting against his brother.

“Now, tell me who beat you up” he said. “I promise it won’t be like last time” after a chilling stare from his brother, Jonathan would never sink low enough to kill innocents.  

“It was just Gavin, he beats everyone up don’t worry about it” Oh, Jonathan knew exactly  who he was talking about, blond kid with horn rimmed glasses, about 4'3 short for a 7th grader, which is probably why he acted out. He’d seen him picking on kids before when he came to pick up his brother, and he had to say, throwing rocks was a dirty way to win a fight even by Jonathan’s standers because at least he knew how to fight.

“You could take him” Jonathan said with out even thinking, because it was totally true even if he wasn’t an anomaly Jacob was taller and much more fit than that pudgy twerp, he looked over Jake was sitting up now giving  him the now’s not the time look.  

“Sorry, anyway  what ever happens I’ll help you” Jonathan waited, hoping his brother to embrace him, thank him. Nothing he looked down silently at his hands, he was still afraid. Jonathan thought back to when his powers first started developing he was much younger than Jacob was. even then he had an almost irrational fear of not being control. He’d pick up a spoon or fork at dinner and the metal would climb up his arm encasing it, he remembered crying because it use to hurt to morph back then and sometimes he would do it with out realizing, wondering why his arm hurt only to look down and realize he’d subconsciously turned it into a razor sharp point with out even thinking. He remembered his dad taking him down to the lab that was then his, and helping him gain control over his power. He wanted Jacob to have that too, he wished it could be their dad. He would have had a better handle on the whole thing than Jonathan ever would, he wondered if Jacob even remembered their dad, he was only four when it happened.

“Jake, I’m here for you” Jonathan said, rustling his brother hair, for a second he thought about taking him down to the lab, letting him meet others let them explain, but Jacob looked like he didn’t want to hear anymore about it for a while, so Jonathan let him be with his school work.

“I’m going down stairs, I’ll leave the door open come down if you need me” Jacob looked at him strangely, Jonathan never left the door open, because he never had to, but now things were different and they would always be different.

Jonathan walked down the stairs one flight of wood stairs leading to a normal basement that was rarely used. Before they turned to a long metal stair case that seemed to go down for ages, Jonathan’s booted foot steps echoing off the cavern like walls the stairs rattling after each one. It took about twenty minutes to reach the bottom. He thought about getting an elevator put in multiple times, but getting one installed would be expensive and money was a constant problem for him, besides he probably have to kill the man after it was installed so he would have to continue dealing with the stairs. When he opened the door Declan was waiting there, like always asking how he was with his lilting voice, trying to make it sound like banter between  'evil’ boss and 'closeted’  henchmen but it was more than that and that boy wouldn’t know subtly if it shot him in the face with a death ray.

“I’m fine, thank you” Jonathan said , pushing past him smiling to himself as he walked. It was like a game for him. He knew Declan liked him and he wasn’t afraid to admit that he liked him back, but he did like playing hard to get with him acting like he didn’t notice his efforts or his constant sidelong glances at Jonathan’s ass when he thought nobody noticed, but everyone did, especially Jonathan.  

“Um, sir” He followed, rushing to catch up, Jonathan kept a flat expression glancing over at him coolly, looking at his face with out grinning was hard, he was cute freckles bright green eyes, shorter than Jonathan not by a lot, but he liked being taller than most people, he came to about 6'5 and Declan was maybe only 5'foot something, but again this wasn’t an issue for him.

“Yes” he said continuing to walk, he liked watching him try to keep up with his longer strides stumbling a few times, trying to play it off as intentional ’ fuck, this boy should be illegal’ Jonathan thought to himself, mentally blushing. he found that his only real weak point aside from his crippling mama bear instinct towards Jacob and his need for constant need to be in control;  was an attractive man.

“I think I found another one, a kid he’s been hiding just west of main street and I think he’s been a target for a while, do you want-” Jonathan held up a hand to stop him, yes he wanted to help, he wanted to bring the kid back here and give him a place to call home and feel safe that was least  anybody deserved.

-zappycat

[missjackil]

Time for Some Dean Meta

I don’t normally meta on Dean, but I think he has a whole lot going on and I want to share my thoughts on it.  Ill start with my theory as to why he is content on counting Mom as dead, and why he burnt Cas’s body. I feel like he feels done with the whole dying and coming back to life thing. Ill flash back to when Bobby’s wife came back from the dead, and Bobby had to kill her after a few days. While she was on the pyre, Sam says “Wll you got to spend a few more days with her, that must have been nice” and Bobby said “It makes this about 1000 times worse” I feel like thats where Dean’s head might be at. If theyre gone, let them be gone forever, so I never have to do this again.  Along with that, he needs to blame someone, and Jack is getting the brunt of it. Jack didn’t kill Cas, Lucifer did, but Jack is Lucifers son, which makes him guilty in Dean’s eyes. So now everything thats happened since LOTUS and everyone theyve lost is because of Jack, or at least that’s how Dean is seeing it right now. So now we move on to 13x3 and Dean is even more harsh than he had been. He even went as far as to accuse Sam of using Jack for his own needs and pretending he cares. Of everything in the last 3 episodes, this here is what I find most OOC  If anyone knows Sam doesn’t pretend to care. if he shows care, it is because he genuinely cares. In fact, in 13x2, Dean told Sam he’s getting too attached, so he knows Sam cares and maybe cares too much. So why this accusation? My thoughts below the cut 

I feel as though Dean is projecting onto Sam what he is realizing in himself. With Cas, Mom, and even Crowley, Dean only called them when he needed something. In the 9 yrs he’s been friends with Cas, I dont think he ever spent time with him, just to spend time with him, outside S5 when he wouldnt let him die a virgin, and that “You’re our brother Cas” talk with him in S11.He would call Cas when he needed help with a fight, or Sam was sick, or missing, maybe call him when they need to be healed, but never just to hang out. Crowley and Dean werent friends in that capacity, but Dean always had a soft spot for him, even early on when Sam wanted to kill him as soon as look at him, Dean would be the one to calm Sam down. By S10, and Demon Dean, they had some weird frienemy thing, but still, Dean would call him if he needed him. Mom was the same actually, Dean was angry and uncomfortable when she was being anything but his mother.  The drunk angel in 13X1 told him he was “Becky” someone who uses people and their things, and breaks everything and thinks its ok because its his/her world. Honestly, i dont think Dean means to do this at all. I just think he gets caught up in whats going on that he gets self obsorbed. However it has been mentioned a couple times throughout these later seasons, mostly by Crowley, that The Winchesters have a habit of using people, then they end up dead when they dont need them anymore. Thats really not a correct assumption, but it would appear to an outsider that they do this. But dont think for a minute that either Dean or Sam wouldnt be there ASAP if you need them. They definitely would. But even in the case of Benny, once Dean was topside, they only communicated if Benny needed Dean, or in the case where Benny was suspected to have killed people. Dean finally used Benny to save Sam when trapped in Purgatory.  Of all the relationships Dean has had, his relationship with Sam stands out. He’s the one person Dean likes to do things with. He calls him constantly, they enjoy hanging out together, they both want to retire together, or die together, and well into their 30s, they want to live together. On that same note though, Dean takes his hostilities out on Sam. Seasons 11 and 12 seemed to have ended that but we see now, it hasnt gone too far. My opinion as to why Dean gets so hostile with Sam, we need to go back to Seasons 1 and 2. They argue amd bicker through S1 but its pretty benign and theyre both dishing it out. In S2, its different, its more Dean losing his temper. I think, when John died, Dean wanted to take up where they left off with the family business, but expected Sam to fall in line like he did. Sam is fine with Dean leading the hunts, but he isnt gonna let Dean lead every aspect of his life, and there wont be any “yessir” I think this hurts Dean. Not so much that he cant make Sam do what he says all the time, but because he himself always did what Dad said, and he didnt have to.  If you listen to Sam explaining Dean to Jack, you can understand why Sam still thinks the world of him dispite the anger and hostility. He knows Dean means well but he gets scared, angry, frustrated, and his wires get crossed. This doesnt prevent Sam from being insecure at times, he knows Dean loves him.  Im not into demonizing either brother, or excusing all their behavior. They do definitely have a psychotic, irrational co dependency, and right now theyre very frustrated with each other. We saw Sam reading Drama and the Gifted Child, and having it turned to Depression and Grandiosity, two points of denial, On the surface it appears to be for Jack, but I bet he’s taking it in for Dean as well. Maybe 12x4 and the trip to the Family Therapist will do them all some good.  A girl can dream :)

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 81

i keep talking to myself all the time - no not cause im mad or alone - but like i said earlier - i pretend like its ‘him’ and just him. meaning, no, im not those people who talk to themselves cause they enjoy doing it, or like um neither those who talk to themselves cause they dont have anyone else to talk to - but rather, -i-just-talk-to-him-

wow, no that was a nice way to put it out there. so much for defending myself lol

ok so im kinda energetic - as in -my mood is- i am not, physically energetic though. i mean i just spent the last hour and a half in bed scrolling through my phone until my phone shut off cause it ran out of charge and only then i dragged myself slowly to the washroom to pee which i shouldve done 60 minutes ago. so yeah - very lazy 

speaking of time. WTH is going on with this world? i feel like the number of seconds in one minute is a subject to small rise and falls like the world currencies! I mean seriously, i swear nowadays “1 minute” = “EIGHTY seconds” No Kidding!!!! It all started from after fajr today!!!!! 

yeah so after fajr today, at first i kind of blanked out - as in - that rush, impatience and i dont even know how to describe it - kinda feeling i was telling? about missing him and all that? like i need some action something to happen and wow this is such an off season - so yeah i was kind of stuck in my chair,, just switching from one social media to another doing nothing literally other than idk - trying to fast forward life and hit play somewhere cool ugh ok

so then something happened and it cheered me up and i got on the treadmill as was planned. usually do 3 hours but i knew doing 3 now, including my tiny 3-5 min breaks every 30 mins would take too long 

anyways ended up doing two hours at around 7 30 and then was too tired to take a shower so i just pulled a bed sheet from my closet and slept on the floor, cause no way im putting my stinky body to bed. 

when i got up, prayed zuhr and YESSS i did the one hour i skipped in the morning and yeah well thats pretty much it for the day. i mean then i sat and ate and then went to the hosp came back, chilled and still chilling right now as im typing :) 

oh something i said yesterday about how i wish life was full of action like in movies. like i just wish it was although i know its BS thats totally against how this life works. whats more surprising is how i actually wish for stupid stuff - i mean you know how on social media - one gets to present themselves the way they want. i mean you can be anything. happy sad widow married depressed gay - its like - its in your hands - how do you want to present yourself to the world mam? yeah you get my point? but like i lot of people fall for it. you look into others posts and you might wonder how their life is so wonderful and yours is not, how someones life is picture perfect and yours is not and BLABLABLA but Lol - i neverrrrr fell for that. pretty much cause i sugar coat my life too loool 

Its actually funny - im actually laughing - anyways where im getting at with this is - i was thinking about it - i mean for someone like me who never fell for all the crap people put up on display on social media - i sure am one hell of a dreamer to ‘wish’ for a busy ‘movie-like’ all colorful life. But then again in my defense - those are real people and people are full of crap so yeah i dont fall for their shit but i mean a movie is a well organised script being played out - ofcourse you ‘wishing’ for something like it is acceptable yasss (whatever makes you sleep at night:3 ) 

Also i assure you my vocabulary aint that poor, i just seem to lose my words when im posting anything here. mostly cause i have no words - everything is so messy and twisty and complicated Ugh 

Also its really weird that i feel like a days just passed by too fast this week. i mean i mustve slipped. i mean im like a human clock. lol i mean it. i mean when im not on vacation - and you ask me the time, anytime - my guesses are so close to accurate - like im aware of every second ticking by - now, im just saying im aware of it - that doesnt really mean i make the most out of time - but then i do know how precious it is, and i do feel like crap when im just shitting it away. and just randomly wasting time is one thing, but trust me when you are aware youre doing shit - ouch that burns! 

so august is coming, and i was kind of planning on fasting - i mean i didnt fast in july cause i wanted to get used to working out and fasting would just be disturbing. but yeah now its almost august and i think i should fast - for like the whole month - yeah :) cause i barely fasted for i think 8 days this Ramadan i need to make all the rest of it up. AND THEN AFTER THAT, it is sunnah but not one im actually brave enough to do to be honest but but but i think i have no choice - i mean i think i have to fast like every monday or thursday every week - cause i have a lot and a lot of fasting to do to make up for ALLLLL the ones i missed my entire life and trust me thats quite a lot - not the normal amount any girl would miss - cause ive been having problems and so i had to skip a lot and stuff - and i never kept an exact count - well actually its impossible cause its been a problem for years but then i do have to admit that i never tried either - cause idk- i guess i kind of took it as - oh cmon its just fasting - i mean i think i missed around 20 roughly - so ill just fast 30 - thatll cover it up plus ill fast extra - which is a good thing and blabla all that random thoughts! 

anyways i should now just focus on the 30 i wna fast for this year, in august but idk i have to come up with some legit plan where my work out schedule fits in perfectly too. both  are important to me, and im not choosing one over the other, i dont want to and i dont have to inshaAllah 

oh just a random thing - but i go for brands! Meaning, you know if something is sold by a really well known brand youd obviously expect it to have good quality and most of the time yes youre right. sometimes, nope! but then there are things which are not “branded” but the quality is amazing, and the price? well most of the time it is cheaper, but yeah i guess sometimes the price is almost similar - well the thing is - i am the type of person - whod want the brand name on PLUS the quality. like if there were 2 bags for example or two shoes, SAME quality, but one is cheaper ONLY cause it does not have a famous brand name on it - i am definitely the person whod pay wayyyy wayyy more for the branded one! - SO now you know the type of person i am :) :) :) :) 

Lol im sure that kind of information is something a lot of people would use to judge someone :3 But then im not all so irrational loool - like thats definitely something that is “goals” for me! I mean, i am a medical student being financially supported by my dad right now and will be for atleast the next 3 years. ATLEAST! ATLEAST! ATLEAST! 

SO yeah im not saying i cant afford branded products right now but i sure am not comfortable living a life of luxury at this phase of my life. I want to earn it. With my own sweat and energy. I want to tell myself that i deserve it. So yeah, thats the type of person i am but im not currently ‘practicing’ it like religion and one day IF i do, i know it will be something i earned and something Allah will not be unhappy with, because I am not planning to disappoint Him 

Okay enough with that. i really dont need to talk about it as long as i know ill be alright inshaAllah 

Oh something really interesting - so i REALLY REALLY need to smile. like NOT “smile more” but like “SMILE” for gods sake hahhaha. I mean idk - its like i hate people so much and idk i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me, and its not like i even care or want them to like me and thats exactly why im like all -pokerface-pokerface- but like cmooooon! if youre really talking to someone, something as simple as a short interaction in the hospital for example with the receptionist or pharmacist - i mean cmoon - just smile a little? i mean i REALLY need to work on it. cause if i am planning on being a doctor - OH PLEASE - smiling is part of the job OH WAKE UP LADYYY!!!!!!! 

but like im not kidding - like i just said - i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me. and ofcourse its not true, i mean MOST people dont even know me. like in the hospital i went to today for example - whyd everyone hate me? :) i mean idk its just something i feel. its weird. but sheeeeeet. have to work on it. fake a smile honey :) 

Okay and idk how wrong or right it is. but i thought of it and i dont feel like there is any harm to it. Like, id like to have the idea in my head that me and him, we love each other and we are meant to be together one day. inshaAllah. For which i always and always pray to Him and ask from Him. But as of right now, we are not together. but deep deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeeeep and deeeeeeeeeeep’errr in my heart i keep telling myself that. We are.

now idk if its wrong, or right - but - i believe it is not making me do something which might anger my Lord.  All what it does is calm my heart. a little. And so i guess its okay! At least for now, i cant let go of the idea. Not today <3  Tada, guess thats enough for today! 

xox