#like on the one hand etho has 2 hands

[quinquangularist]

wow bdubs u sure are coming out of ur cage and doing just fine huh

[shade-e-e-es]

“You want to know what I hate most about that stupid resistance?” Doc asks one morning.

“Why did this come up? Literally nothing we’ve talked about so far has led to this conversation happening.” Etho says, passing a wet plate to Beef.

“Doc just hasn’t gotten his weekly complaint quota filled, Etho, just roll with it.” Beef says, taking the plate and drying it off.

“Shut up and ask me what I hate about them.”

“DOC MY GREAT FRIEND WHAT DO YOU HATE MOST ABOUT THAT STUPID RESISTANCE!!” Bdubs yells, mouth full of food.

“Thank you Bdubs. It’s that STUPID REN GUY.”

“Oh my god SAME!!” Bdubs agrees, as is his nature to do.

“See I don’t usually dislike the new hermits! I get that they can be shy and all that, but he’s been with us for a season and he still acts so stand offish!! It’s not always bad! Maybe he’s just shy but no.”

Doc slams a hand down on the table.

“In meetings he is so nice!! A bit quiet but nice!! And then, when we’re doing meetings and things with the resistance he looks like he wants to personally kill us! Like he hates us and it is personal!!”

“I trust Iskalls opinion on company! Yes! But even Iskall must see how mean that dog guy is!!”

“LITERALLYYYY like Iskall rules!! But it sucks having to deal with Iskalls bodygaurd whenever you want to have a conversation!!!”

(“Should we just let them keep talking.” Etho whispers. Beef responds. “They wouldn’t stop if we tried. It’s too early for this.”)

“You know what? No. This has been stewing for too long.”

“I will teach that dog a lesson for messing with the nHo.”

PT 1 (you are here) | PT 2

(Also this ends positively with them being friends dw)

[yandere-wishes]

𝕆𝕦𝕣 ℙ𝕣𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕪 𝕃𝕚𝕥𝕥𝕝𝕖 𝔾𝕚𝕣𝕝

Summary: You try to escape from two fearsome Sith Lords. Surprisingly they take it rather well.

Author's note: This is totally getting a part 2. Or maybe a series we'll see. 

Warnings: dark, absolutely no regard for the rule of two, sorta a vent fic (venting that these two are so fine and I can't get them out of my mind), slightly fluffy.

The empire's warships have a tendency to blur reality. The interiors of their large hulking exoskeletons house endless corridors and makeshift chambers. Vast, endless arrays of space. They've been optimized for housing droids, clones, and artillery. Not for escape, not for an endless search of a freedom that has long since eroded. 

Calling yourself anything but desperate would be a lie. Your feet run to the chorus of your broken heartbeat. The need for freedom, the need to escape spreads through your body like a poison. You know it'll end up killing you, either from exhaustion or by their sabars. But you have to try, you have to run. Even if you've left fragments of yourself in the warm bed the three of you sleep on. Even if you forgot your heart under Anakin's pillow and your soul still lingers in Maul's warm embrace. Maybe freedom is worth cutting off pieces of yourself, if only in the hope that someday they might grow back. 

There's something wrong with the corridors you're sure of it. You've never been one for directions, instead relying on the holo screens and navigation systems to lead the way. Mirror images as far as the eye can see. Identical, plain. Nothing substantial to store in your memory. There's something ironic about this situation, a punchline that doesn't quite land. You half haphazardly tug on the skirt of your nightgown, desperate for anything familiar. You're not sure why.

You remember how Anakin called you pretty this morning, still hazy, still clinging to the sensation of slumber. Perfect blue eyes too dazed to look at you. Really look at you. The chosen one gazes at your ghost, your ethos. the perfect doll he and Maul had morphed you into. Behind you

 Maul pulls you to his chest. Hand running up and down her side, trying to resurrect you into his dreams. It's only when Anakin's eyes close, seeling the shimmering blue orbs, that you crawl out of bed and into the unknown. 

You're lost, abandoned in absolute desolation. The marble tiles bleed frost into the soles of your feet. Somewhere in the distance, you feel a disturbance in the force. Too far away to matter, yet leaking with a potent rage that burns. It's hope you think, albeit pathetically, maybe it's better to capitulate this pointless crusade and wait for the Sith lords to find you. The crash comes just as you're about to stop. You bump into him, falling in the process. All armor and steel. The Stormtrooper's mask is off giving you a clear view of his scarred face. His eyes flash, some dreary emotion too obscure to read, he offers you a gloved hand, something human something casual. 

You stare frozen. 

When exactly did you stop comprehending human idiosyncrasies? 

When exactly did you start reading every interaction as a threat? 

He's a monster, you think, just like the ones you've been warned about. Lectured time and time again by both Anakine and Maul. Monsters pry on little girls, especially ones who wander off on their own. Monsters lurk behind unsuspecting walls, ready to pounce when their prey approaches. You wonder if, the definitive definition of "monster" could be passed on to the two Siths who call themselves your lovers. 

There's blood, too crimson to be real. Metallic aromas wafted through the air. You've only now noticed how close the disturbance in the force really is. Close enough to distinguish itself. To reveal that, in actuality, it's not a disturbance at all.

 It's two...

Something cold yanks at your forearm. Pulling you to your feet. for a split second, your nerves calm. The familiarity of the cybernetic arm grants you a heavy ease. Anakin pushes you over to where Maul is standing. Golden eyes burning holes through the stormtrooper's armor. 'He didn't do anything' you long to say. But the words wisely die on your tongue as Maul grips your shoulders. Anakine's saber is lit, stabbing through the soldier's armor as if it were flesh. As if killing him where as easy as killing a rogue thought. "You're quite a foolish soldier for daring to touch that which belongs to your commanders. Even more imbecilic for so much as looking at emperor Palpatine's disciple." 

Maul's grip on your shoulders tightens, eyes never once leaving the bloodshed. One of his hands instinctively roams to your belly, then slides down to your thigh. Rubbing it ever so gently as his claws pierce your soft skin. You close your eyes trying to make yourself smaller. You hate how his touch grounds you. How the familiarity plucks at your heartstrings. When he touches you like this you wish you would forever rot in his arms.

"'I'm sorry" You don't know why the words come so easily. As if they've been itching to spill from your tongue. Maybe it's easier to say 'I'm sorry' rather than 'You've broken my perception of love, of reality and now I can only find comfort in your darkness.' "Hush" Maul's anger spills with every syllable. His claws dig deeper, earning him a pained hiss from his doll. 

"You're not sorry, in fact, you rather enjoyed this didn't you? Running away making us chase you down, I never thought your species would enjoy being the prey so much, little one." Anakin walks over, saber seethed at his side. His every step promised pain, retribution. He's angry, furious. They both are, you wonder if maybe, just maybe, they'll end it all today. 

Maul's chambers have always been a testament to Dathomir, bathed in deep scarlets and endless ebony. You wonder if he's homesick for a place he's only visited in his worst ephialtes. After the incident in the corridors, they drag you back to the Zabrak's room. Neither bothering to say a word. Merely permitting their rage to engulf you, subduing you into submission. It's an unwelcome surprise when they begin to prep for the day. Throwing on their black cloaks, prior to choosing your outfit. An abnormal affinity settles across the room. Too unnerving to go unchecked. 

They dress you each morning, a ritual you think, some attestation of love that's never been quite right. Maul drapes you in velvet dresses. Each one harbors a sui generis softness that sits erroneously across your skin. Their opulent sensation only brings forth feelings of aversion and despair. Their softness an ode to your imprisonment. 

the dresses come in shades of crimson, detailed sometimes in black, sometimes in gold, and sometimes in a frigid blue that sends shivers running up your spine. 

Anakin fusses over your accessories, why they feel the need to dress you so extravagantly daily is beyond you -as you've come to realize many things are- On days when Anakin's hubris reaches its apex, he bathes you in gold. Astonishing glittering collars across your neck and Kuat bangles hanging from your wrists. When he's sober from his pride he chooses black diamonds. Simple and exotic. scintillate and opaque.

Allusions to the dark side.

A hidden reference that crawls inside you. 

Once, back when you'd been sure defiance was still an option. Back when callow hope still dared to flow through your veins. Back when you'd been a jejune, stubborn thing. You had refused to wear one of the dresses they'd bought. Adimant in your refusal until Maul had stuck out his hand. Summoning the Force to remind you just who held the supreme authority here. 

The Force had strangled you, clawing hungrily at your neck. You felt your bones caving in on themselves, watched with exacerbating hysteria as your feet abandoned the floor. He'd only released you when he was sure you were near death's adorned door. Permitting you to molder on the floor akin to a ragdoll. 

Anakin had chastised you after you'd conjured enough strength to sit up, gasping greedily for air. He'd broken two fingers that day. One still harbors a small scar.

A Promise ring. 

An augury.

There are days, few and far between. When they've deemed you've been behaving adequately for long enough. That they permit you the choice of which dress you'd fancy wearing for the day. It's a rare event, reserved as a special treat. You think it's their way of proposing variety, giving you the illusion of choice. Making you feel a little less smothered. 

Today is not one of those days. Today, you feel them pick you apart, only to reassemble you in their image. Drowning you in extravagance. A reminder, one whose deprecating nature weaves itself within your muscles. You, little girl, are nothing more than a doll. And dolls should know their place.

No sooner do you feel the final lace fasten across your back, that Anakin is tugging you outside the door. Metal arm clasped around your forearm. 

Maul follows behind molten gaze locked on your face. The hallways bend to their will as if the walls themselves quiver with their presence. You recognize this corridor, recognize the frigid forlorn. 

There's something wrong with Emperor Palpatine's throne room. It's surreal, makeshift. His real throne lays somewhere cold, somewhere even his apprentices don't dare wander off to. The ironclad throne has never felt right. Never felt like it held any real power. Just terror, just dread, just hatred. But here it is in all its glory. Left to two apprentices who'd rather treat it as a toy than a sacred place.

 Anakin dramatically throws himself onto the throne. One leg thrown over the armrest as he leans against the other. His other leg planted firmly on the ground. He keeps you steady on his thigh. Torturing you with his distant, disappointed look. Maul stands in front of you. His eyes liquid gold melting into you. You see the galaxy in them. Hear it whispearing secrets meant to be forgotten. It's Anakin's voice that rattles you from your disjointed thoughts. 

"You caused us so much worry angel" he's being nice. You don't trust that. There's something sinister plaguing his words.  

"You know Ani, she may cease escaping if you'd cease to spoil her." Maul leans down, gripping your chin and squeezing. " The brat forgets her place, merely cause you'd rather coddle her than discipline her." 

Anakin glares, a shift in his eyes, blue bleeding into gold. "Hmm, Maul, you're starting to sound an awful lot like Kenobi right now."

"Why's that? Did the old fool tend to also point out your shortcomings?" 

You wonder who this Kenobi is, as you watch the Siths' exchange crude childish vitriols. Maybe he'd make a better lover than the two men you have the misfortune of being adhered to. 

They never could truly see just how similar they were.

Two sides of the same coin. 

One born of copper, the other, black rose petals.

Subconsciously you reach out. Grasping Anakin's robotic hand, fiddling with the panel, peeling it away to gain access to the wires and circuits. You have a bad habit of ripping things open. Anakin learned this the first time he kissed you and you tried to gnaw at his chest with your nails. Not in malice, but rather to satisfy a ravenous curiosity. A raging need to open him and see just how he ticked. You'd wished to perform an autopsy on his soul. Rip him open and devour all his secrets. Back then you'd wondered if you could kiss sunrises into Anakin's eternal night. Strip him of bleak blackened skies and introduce him to stars and a moon that shines. He'd only vaguely permitted it. Opting to pluck the stars lying within you. Swiping them for steel and lava and other mundane things that fueled his incessant rage. 

Anakin's head dips, lips pressing on your jugular vein. "You're ethereal" Anakin mubbles against your skin, like the dying prayer of a collapsing star. He's so pretty when he kisses your neck. Biting away pieces of you. Stealing your light for himself. 

"Princess" Maul seethes venom pelting from his words. You realize you'd been ignoring him. Something he's not too fond of. "What in the stars was going through your pretty little head?" 

 he looks like he'd love nothing more than to wring your pretty little neck right now. "I just..." your words feel heavy. Tiny bullets polluting your tongue. It feels so cruel to say when you know just how much they love you. "I just wanted some freedom. Just a bit of space." 

"Dumb little angel" Anakin chastes. You lower your head in embarrassment watching Maul kneel in front of you. He cups your cheeks, placing a soft kiss on your head. "You can never escape us beloved".

 "I love you," says Anakin. All you hear is, I'll haunt you, I'll break your ribs one by one so that I may possess your heart. Maybe they mean the same thing. 

"And I'm pretty sure if Maul could feel normal emotions like everyone else, then he'd love you too." You can't help but let out a giggle as Anakin throws his head back laughing. A rare melodious sound, that causes your heart to skip a beat. Maul merely rolls his eyes before pecking you on the lips.

You trace your fingers across Maul's chest, feeling the pummelling of two hearts. A double heartbeat. Two melodies entwined, You wonder who he harbors in those hearts. One for love and one for family. You nip at his bottom lip. Ushering the blood into your mouth. He tastes of Ichor and smoke. Of sadness and rage. From behind you feel Akanin bite into the hollow of your flesh. Leaving traces of himself upon your skin. 

"Our pretty little problem" Anakin mumbles. 

You're a problem, a vexation draped in velvet, an unsolvable equation. Trapped between a love that seethes through your body like a toxin. Engulfing you until your mind relents. Maybe it's easier this way. Easier to say 'I love you' without the double entendre. 

You do love them.

A rather arduous conclusion to reach.

Maul and Anakin.

Palpatine's apprentices. 

Your lovers

Yeah, that sounds about right...

💜💜: @athanasia-day @hotpinkboots @jenn-patterson-69 @nickiiiixoxo-blog @the-chains-are-the-easy-part

[cyber-clown]

zubat is one of my favourite pokémon and, because it is one of my favourite pokémon, i've used it in every single generation i've played where it's available. this has led me to notice that you can kind of use zubat to track game freak's evolving design ethos with the pokémon series allll the way from gen 1 through to gen 9.

so if you don't know, zubat is a funny poison/flying bat pokémon. you can usually get it pretty early on in caves, usually sometime around the first gym. in gen 1 this is mt moon, gen 3 gives you zubats in granite cave right around the (mostly optional btw???) 2nd gym, gen 4 gives you them the moment you get to jubilife city, etc. it evolves into golbat at level 22, which doubles zubat's stats and lets it learn screech. golbat is a funny guy and i like him. don't know why they made him grow eyes though.

point is, they're common and you get them early, so it's a pokémon that is very easy to slot into your team as a decent flying type with better utility and defenses (being a poison type) than your average earlygame bird shitter. they're also vaguely menacing if you're insane i guess so they're evil team fodder. ok. we know what zubat is now.

GEN 1: in gen 1, zubat's design is insane. early pokémon games are shocking well put together - for the bad rep they sometimes get for having a handful of prominent glitches, it's actually a testiment to the games that they just keep trucking through these insane edge cases rather than crashing. unfortunately, the design itself is... primitive. they had a smash hit but definitely hadn't fully found their footing. let's look at zubat's moveset.

oh god! so, you would think this is a case of some kind of "first stage evolution syndrome" where zubat has a terrible, limited movepool that gets fixed when it evolves. gen 1 REALLY likes this gimmick: just off the top of my head this is the exact deal of abra and magikarp. unfortunately, no. the only damaging moves zubat learns before it evolves are leech life, a 20 base power (THIS IS LOW) move of a relatively weak offensive type, and bite. bite is fine. bite will hit most types except rock and ghost, and its power is fine. other than that, it just learns supersonic and a slightly less terrible version of supersonic.

then the insane thing: it learns wing attack at level 28. golbat learns it at level 32. it evolves at level 22. this creates an interesting dichotomy where on one hand you REALLY want to evolve zubat to golbat, given that it literally doubles its base stat total when evolving, but on the other that means you'll be waiting a full 10 levels from evolving to learn its only STAB move (in pokémon, pokémon get a 1.5x multipler to a move's damage if its the same type as that pokémon). said move only having 35 power. gen 1 is strange. i think this really shows the design philosophy of gen 1: everything is new, most things are weak, the balance is all over the place, you have to purposefully stop your funny bat from evolving for 6 levels just for it to learn a terrible flying type move that it can use for coverage. every other move it learns is either normal type or has <= 40 power. why.

GEN 2: gen 2 is the generation of "ok that was pretty good but had some pretty major flaws. let's try to fix them." gen 2 is kind of defined by how closely tied it is to gen 1. zubat is a great example of this. first of all the obvious thing: zubat gets a new evolution! if your golbat has high friendship and levels up, it will evolve into crobat. crobat gives the line about a hundred more stats (mostly to speed, with everything else getting a little peppering) and is maybe the funniest of all guys, his design being both cute, silly, and cool is maybe why i like the zubat line so much

so what changes for zubat and its family in gen 2? three things of note! 1. more TMs to learn, giving it more tools to play with, including the new steel type move steel wing. 2. bite has been changed to a dark type move, giving the noble zubat more type coverage including the ability to hit ghost types and psychic types (who are normally strong against poison types) for double damage. 3. wing attack's power has been increased to 60 (almost doubled!) and it's level to be learnt lowered to... 27. 1 level!

(from this point forward i'm not going to screenshot the TM learnset. i'll try to keep describing them, though)

also, the level requirement for bite has been moved to level 12, and it learns mean look at... level 36. ok so, yeah, not fixing the pokémon, but definitely some improvements here. you could actually reasonably recommend zubat to a friend or family member now if they particularly like its silly funny design

GEN 3: it's a new generation... literally. pokémon is now in FULL COLOUR and SYNTHESIZED SOUND on the GAMEBOY ADVANCE. pokémon is now fully establishing itself not just as a couple games and spinoffs, but a full on series that will ostensibly stick around between generations of games, generations of consoles, even generations of people.

so, yeah. this ain't your daddy's pokémon, he played pokémon red as a 7 year old but he's a full blown 13 year old now... much too cool to play these baby games. ...oh shit wait, every pokémon has an ability now? damn, nevermind, this rules! that's what i assume game companies think people will think when they do Big Spin Ups for a New Generation. i don't know if it DID convince a generation of millenium tweens that funny animal game is still cool, but the changes are appreciated anyway. steven stone is hot! i don't have anywhere else to say that. anyway, how did zubat change?

our friend zubat gets lots of changes to keep up with the crowd now. bite has been moved back up to level 16, but zubat now gets astonish - a decent ghost type move that can flinch opponents, air cutter (this used to be TM only) - a slightly weaker and less accurate flying type move than wing attack, but one with an increased critical hit ratio AND it can hit multiple opponents in new-fangled double battles, and poison fang - finally allowing zubat to unlock its poison type STAB... if you either don't let your zubat evolve for 19 levels or, more realistically, teach it to your crobat at level 49... ouch! but, the biggest of them all: your zubat can now learn wing attack before it evolves! ...1 level before it evolves, but before it evolves!

in addition, zubat's family got a new ability - inner focus: this lets them not get flinched. not that out there, but it's a welcome change! the line also gets a few more TMs unlocked, including coverage options like shadow ball, and the extremely powerful sludge bomb. you can really, finally, genuinely use zubat now! it's actually okay! it being a friendship-evolved pokémon is also ideal for one you pick up early game - you can usually evolve your zubat around the early level 30s, giving it a big stat boost earlier than a lot of other pokémon.

GEN 4: gen 4 is strange. it's a huge shift in the series, but it's also actually pretty similar to gen 3. it stays pretty true to the series roots, but also moves the ball in a way that would keep going and eventually mark what is effectively an entire change in identity for pokémon. steven stone is in heartgold and soul silver (yay!). gen 4 also cements gen 3 as the only generation of pokémon ever (so far) to be the only one on its console.

we're making good progress here! wing attack can be learned even earlier, at level 17, meaning you should get it just in time for the grass type gym leader, bite has been reverted to being learned at level 13, and air cutter / poison fang have had the time you need to hold a zubat before they can be learned significantly turned down. if you do happen to hold your zubat until level 41, poison fang's spot has been usurped by air slash, a strong special move (gen 4 split all moves into physical and special, where before they were split between the attack / special attack stats by type) that has a 30% chance of flinching an opponent. zubat's physical stats may be better than its special stats, but only by a little bit, so this is a welcome option! zubat also gets a couple more good TMs, like U-Turn, a really strong move that lets zubat deal some damage and then swap with a teammate to hopefully avoid taking retaliation! anyway that's it really, just little steps!

GEN 5: here it is, the big one… the one that changed it all… just joking! infact, zubat didn't get a single move change in Pokémon Black and White, as it wasn't available to catch at all in that game! instead, it was replaced by the spiritual successors woobat and swoobat, cute fluffy psychic / flying types with little heart shaped noses - they even keep the theme of a closed pair of eyes opening up when evolved! i like swoobat's terrible, fleshy heart tail, too!

anyway, zubat was revived in Pokémon Black 2 and White 2, whereupon it did actually receive a moveset update. it's not a very big one, but it's appreciated!

so, the pre-evolution options of astonish, bite, and wing attack have been moved a little further back, while players who wait a little bit are now able to learn the moves swift (a normal type move that never misses), and acrobatics (a move that has its damage doubled if your pokémon doesn't hold an item). cool stuff! air cutter, poison fang, and air slash have all been moved back a little bit. maybe this could be to disincentivise holding a pokémon that can evolve to learn moves, since this puts it much more in line with crobat:

who knows? anyway! the other noticeable changes are the additions of a couple more TMs like venoshock (all TMs being infinite use now, so you don't have to worry about wasting a TM anymore!), a poison type move that doubles in damage if the target is poisoned (finally, more love for zubat's poison type!) and the hidden ability of infiltrator.

what an unhelpful piece of flavour text! infiltrator is an ability that lets zubat ignore the effects of "barrier" type moves, which are moves that provide resistance or immunity to certain effects (such as physical damage, status effects, and debuffs). later on, this will be buffed to let zubats with infiltrator hit through substitutes, and even later will be buffed again to reduce wild encounters!

GEN 6: here's the real big one. gen 5 marked a distinct change in direction for pokémon as a series: a grander story, bold new characters, and a focus more on a journey that felt more like a hero's quest to prove themselves, rather than some random kid's uphill battle to get stronger. gen 6 took the new generation and made some bold decisions: now we have 3D models, and crazy plotlines, and fully arranged streamed music, and... much easier gameplay! well, easy is not the right word. pokemon games have always been kid friendly - but later games definitely try their best to streamline the experience. it feels a lot more like a power fantasy of a rise to glory, where previous games distinctly... did not. is this good or bad? well, it's all just taste! we all have our taste.

zubat received its major changes, again, in the second set of games of this generation: omega ruby and alpha sapphire. a step back to hoenn, including our good friend zubat!

woah! can you believe this is even the same friend zubat we met all the way back in 1996? i'm so proud of him... well, what major changes are there? here's an easy two: venoshock is now a move zubat learns naturally, and almost every move has been substantially reduced in level up requirement! bite at level 11? wing attack at level 13? it feels like just yesterday we had to fight tooth and nail to keep bite at level 13! poison fang down by 12 levels to level 25, and so on. the big one here is that air cutter is now a move you can learn before even evolving zubat, giving you another flying type option! what could be awaiting us next, in the sunny alola region?

GEN 7: i like gen 7 :) i also don't know what preamble to give here. well, other than: gen 6 began the trend of adding a new "gimmick" every generation. these stick around for one generation, can only be used once per game, and provide some Big Flashy Effect. mega evolution was gen 6's, but that was restricted to a few specific pokémon (mainly fan favourites, no love for great pokémon like crobat... grr...) but gen 7 changed this: now any pokémon can use a Z-Power!!! once per game, a single move can be transformed into a powerful Z-Move, that does huge damage. this means our friend zubat can join the show. will it use a poison Z-Move, or a flying Z-Move, or maybe a random coverage move, like ghost or steel?

um... what's going on here? zubat's lost leech life! well, look again. the iconic Zubat Move is still in its learnset, but it's now been QUADRUPLED in to 80 power, so it's been moved up and replaced with absorb as zubat's starting move. absorb is still stuck at 20 power. poor absorb. that's probably what it gets for being cousins with mega drain AND giga drain. crobat gets to learn cross poison on evolve now, a powerful poison type move that has an increased critical hit rate AND a chance to poison. other than these, zubat's learnset has not changed in any noticeable way. i guess that's a sign game freak has settled on a moveset to stay for our friend zubat!

GEN 8:

what on earth happened here? where is zubat's iconic wing attack? leech life at level 55? well, generation 8, you see, represents a big shakeup for the pokémon series. the series has OFFICIALLY jumped from handhelds to the home console, and so naturally that leads to a very different design philosophy - including the removal of lots of moves from the game entirely, and the barring of some pokémon from entry to the region! zubat gets to stay, though, and its reward is an entirely retooled moveset. what can we make of this?

well, first of all, supersonic has been recognised as an Iconic Zubat Move after 20 years of proud service, being officially made a move zubat gets right out of the egg. it still sucks, but that's cool! wing attack and bite have been replaced with poison fang, retooling zubat to put the early focus on its poison typing: to this day zubat and its family are actually the only poison / flying type pokémon! air cutter has been pushed back above the "evolve threshold", where it joins a bunch of other iconic Zubat Moves. bite and leech life now languish, as moves that probably nobody will ever actually hold their zubat to learn, given it's only a couple extra levels for golbat / crobat to learn them. speaking of crobat, it's worth mentioning...

crobat has a whole lot of tools to work with now! it's very clear they really wanted to play with crobat's unique role as a poison / flying type here by focusing a lot more on its Poisonous Traits - toxic, cross poison, and venoshock are all very fun tools you can play with that crobat gets access to with ease. what a treat! the number of TMs crobat can learn is also huge, with plenty of coverage across a bunch of types. now for gen 9!

GEN 9:

oh zubat! you should have known that DUI would give you consequences. well, yes. this is zubat's journey so far. but i think that i've proven my point - you can distinctly see a shift from the early game pokémon design philosophy to newer games.

personally, i would describe this as going from the games being an "uphill battle to prove yourself" to a "journey across the land with your favourites". it's clear that, over time, there have been attempts to try and make a lot of pokémon more viable, so that if zubat is your favourite too you can pick it up and have it be useful almost right away, rather than its earlier role as a pokémon that takes a long time to get going but eventually gets tools that make it a lot more usable. i think this shows pokémon's shift to being more about the pokémon themselves rather than the journey, which is a safe decision that's probably made because every pokémon is somebody's favourite.

this has no real point by the way - i personally don't actually mind the newer direction of pokémon games (aside from the EXP share always being on...) and have enjoyed plenty of relatively modern pokémon games a lot - i really rememeber loving pokémon moon when it came out! but i do also enjoy the different "vibe" and experience of older pokémon games, and i think sometimes the best way to actually describe the differences is to just lay out them out, plain to see.

anyway, i hope you enjoyed and, next time you're in a dark cave, consider holding off on the repels. you might just meet your new best friend forever!

[thankskenpenders]

Sonic Superstars!

Superstars is out! And guess what? It's good! It's a worthy new entry in the series, and I mostly like it. Mostly. Except for the handful of parts I don't. As usual, allow me to share my thoughts.

(For the record, I got the PS5 version of Superstars. I can't speak for how it plays on older hardware like the Switch, or how the weird Steam version that seems to make you log in with Epic runs. But I encountered zero performance issues, personally.)

General thoughts

The thing is, aside from two notable flaws I'll discuss in greater detail below, I can sum up my feelings on most of Superstars quickly. You see, it's... a Sonic game. This will either be a blessing or a curse depending on who you ask. It's not a bold new take on the series that'll blow you away, but they also didn't fuck it up. There's no catch this time! There's something refreshing about that straightforwardness, given how rare it is to get a regular-ass New Sonic Game from Sega. It's just a new classic-style game where you can play as Amy, set on a new island with all new zones, and Fang is in it! This might be damning with faint praise, but that's what it says on the tin, and they did a good job overall.

(It also has co-op. That's nice. I didn't play it in co-op.)

It plays exactly how it should. At no point did anything feel Wrong. The graphics might not have the absolute highest fidelity, but I think the character models look really nice, and the levels look appropriately good with vibrant color palettes. A couple zones like Sky Temple gave me Klonoa vibes, which I like. One zone is an absolutely incredible homage that I won't spoil. The story here is minimal (as expected), but there are a few good moments of telling the story through the gameplay, particularly one very cute sequence with Trip. I did find a couple stage gimmicks moderately annoying (Speed Jungle 2 and Press Factory 2, looking at you), but like... I could say the same thing about Mania, and also damn near every other Sonic game ever made. There's always That One Level. Superstars may not raise the series to new heights, but it generally executes well on the standard beats of the series. It's an easy recommendation for all fans of 2D Sonic.

Really, aside from the two big flaws (we'll get to them), this game's greatest crimes are simply not being quite as good as Mania, and also coming out the same week as the more creative and polished Super Mario Bros. Wonder. If we hadn't gotten Mania, I would easily be calling this my favorite 2D Sonic game since... what, the Advance trilogy 20 years ago? I like the Rush games, but if you asked me to replay one or the other, I might have a better time with Superstars. And, yes, it beats the hell out of Sonic 4. It's not even close. Anyone who says this game is exactly like Sonic 4 is just being a hater.

...I guess I would say that $60 is a bit steep for this, but you know it'll be on sale for a more appropriate $30-$40 in a few months. This isn't a Nintendo game we're talking about here.

Nice little tweaks

Superstars also features a number of welcome quality-of-life updates over Mania, bringing it more in line with the design ethos of modern platformers.

You have infinite lives! No more getting a game over on the final boss and having to redo the whole final zone - or, god forbid, the entire game

Time overs are gone! It'll warn you before you go over ten minutes, but I have no idea why because it doesn't kill you anymore

The game features a hub from which you can easily replay previous levels, rather than needing to beat the game or put in a cheat code to unlock the level select

This means you can easily go back and hunt for any special stage rings you missed. However, as a tradeoff, it seems like you can only get one Emerald per zone now, rather than being able to get Super Sonic by the end of the first or second zone

You can swap characters between levels! No more having to start a whole 'nother save file to play as Tails

And those characters even have optional little movement tutorial rooms available from the hub, which is great for new players who may not know about things like the Drop Dash

And, finally, checkpoints now feature arrows pointing in the direction you were supposed to be going, in case you forget upon respawning

Of course, while you might not be getting game overs, Superstars certainly compensated with some bosses that kicked my ass.

Bosses

Here's what I would consider notable flaw #1.

I have mixed feelings on the bosses in Superstars. I don't think many of them are poorly designed - in fact, a lot of them are good, and offer fun moments of spectacle. But for a 2D Sonic game, they're REALLY long and drawn out, and by the late game this was starting to get draining.

Bosses tend to be the type where you have to dodge their attack patterns for a while until you get the chance to hit them exactly once, MAYBE twice. A few bosses seem to have quicker options if you abuse your post-hit invulnerability or play as a character with a double jump, but many will either be completely invincible or run away to the background for long periods of time, making it impossible to damage them outside of the allotted windows. And even if it seems like you'll be able to get in a second hit, many bosses turn invincible and skip ahead to the next attack pattern as soon as they take the first hit. Again, most of these fights aren't BAD, but because of this behavior they sometimes take almost as long to beat as the entire levels preceding them. This didn't bother me much early in the game, but against the more challenging bosses towards the end that kept killing me several minutes into a long fight, it got tiring. The final boss of Story Mode probably took me like an hour.

While this certainly isn't an uncommon style of boss design, part of me suspects they did this for the sake of co-op players. For one, playing in co-op means that you don't necessarily have to start the entire fight over if one person dies, so I assume the length is less of an issue. But in particular, true classic-style Sonic bosses that you can just hit repeatedly with good timing would go down in a few seconds against a team of four players. Likewise, the swarm of clones from the "Avatar" Emerald power would probably obliterate every Genesis era boss with one button press. So I get why every boss needs all these invulnerability periods, but still. I at least wish they'd made some of those attack patterns shorter and given you more frequent opportunities to deal damage.

Emeralds and their powers

Speaking of the new Chaos Emerald powers: they're neat, I guess? They're fine. I didn't use them much. Actually, I kept forgetting I even had them - although the game will play a noise and show an icon in the corner of the screen to remind you any time you reach a spot where a specific power is useful. Avatar, the first power you get, is at least good for getting a couple free hits in on the trickier bosses. Yellow's ability to slow time is obviously good, but, again, I always forgot I even had it and made it through just fine without it. I was also pleased to realize that the swimming power is useful for the water levels and not just for climbing up waterfalls.

Oh, and the new grappling-based special stages kind of suck, but they're not the worst, and I'll at least give them credit for trying something new. (Motion Sickness Zone from Sonic 1 does return as a bonus minigame, but I only did it once lmao.)

Battle Mode

I haven't played Battle Mode. Couldn't tell you if it's good or not. It did, however, give us official designs for Metal Tails and Metal Amy after all these years, and also it let me make this:

...Okay, enough beating around the bush. Let's talk about the thing that REALLY drags down the experience.

The soundtrack...

(This lengthy section on the music will feature some light spoilers for things like zone names and themes.)

Now, don't get me wrong. There are some bangers in here that I've been listening to on loop. But this is one of the most inconsistent soundtracks I've ever heard, and I'm not sure I've ever played another game where the music has such a sharp dip in quality in the back half.

As anyone following this blog knows, prior to release I was a little obsessed with trying to gauge what the soundtrack would be like. "Jun Senoue" and "new Classic Sonic game" naturally evokes the memory of Sonic 4, but from the start we knew Tee Lopes was involved as well, and almost all of the music previewed before released leans more towards the sound of Sonic Mania than anything else. I was hopeful! I was excited! Jun deserved another chance at doing another classic Sonic OST, and Tee is one of my favorite game composers of all time between his Sonic material and other works like the TMNT: Shredder's Revenge OST. I frequently thought back to this Sonic 4 remix medley by Jun and Tee as a reminder that these two could really be the dream team, bringing out the best in each other's work.

Sure enough, the front half of the game is largely dominated by the Mania sound, whether it's a track by Tee himself or one by an in-house Sega artist that's compatible with his style. Pinball Carnival Act 1 by Rintaro Soma (an up-and-coming composer who wrote a bunch of the Cyber Space themes in Frontiers) takes obvious inspiration from Mania's Studiopolis Act 1, to the point that I was shocked when Sega posted the track and revealed it wasn't written by Tee. Act 2, however, forges more of its own sound by leaning into the act's spooky haunted carnival theme. And despite being the music lead, the only level theme that I know for sure was written by Senoue in the front half of the game (Bridge Island Act 1) was actually arranged by Tee Lopes to give it more of that Mania sound. Hell, the level clear jingle is literally just the one from Mania. A few level themes by other composers don't quite match that style, but they fit in well enough.

But there are early signs that this sound won't be consistent throughout the game. Our first warning of things to come is the boss music:

When early copies started floating around and the soundtrack leaked, many, many people hoped that this was merely a placeholder, like the literal Sonic 4 Episode II music used in the earliest previews of Speed Jungle, and that it'd get replaced with a day one patch. Oh, those poor, innocent fools...

Even if you don't mind the poor production with the returning Sonic 4 faux-Genesis sound, this is a very simplistic thirteen second snippet of music that then plays a second time in a higher key before it loops. This wouldn't be the end of the world if the bosses were as short as the ones in the Genesis games, of course, but they're not! This theme is used for a ton of lengthy fights throughout the game, including an EXTREMELY long and tedious autoscroller boss at the end of Golden Capital Act 2. Maybe I would've enjoyed the bosses in this game more if they were paired with some earworms that'd get me hyped up and sell how cool and exciting the fights are supposed to be, but grating songs like this just made the minutes spent fighting those bosses feel like an eternity.

Still, boss music (and menu music) aside, all of the level themes in the front half of the game ranged from decent to great, with the peak easily being the phenomenal Lagoon City Act 2 by Tee Lopes. And then... I got to the back half of the game. And the Mania style completely disappeared, replaced largely with the dreaded Sonic 4 sound. That isn't the style for EVERY song in the back half, but even the ones that try something different tend to be weaker than the material from the first six zones, with less engaging melodies and less intricate arrangement. Many sound straight up unfinished, leaning on extremely basic synth patches with no personality. And there isn't a single track from Tee in the back half. He just disappears from the project altogether.

What this means is that we go from this absolute banger by Tee Lopes in zone 6, which elevates what's otherwise a bog standard desert level to a thrilling adventure:

To... this, in zone 7:

It's EXTREMELY jarring!

The thing is, this is actually one of the better tracks in this style. I have to assume this is by Senoue, because you can totally hear a good Adventure or Heroes era Senoue track in there once you get past the crude synth replication of the Genesis era Sonic sound. Senoue is still a great composer, as you can hear clear as day with Bridge Island, but he's working with a restrictive sound palette that doesn't play to his strengths at all. If only he'd bust out that damn guitar, or at least pick some better synths.

(And no matter what people will tell you, no, this is not an accurate recreation of what the Genesis's YM2612 chip really sounded like, nor is it representative of what it CAN sound like at its best. Go back to the Streets of Rage 2 or Ristar soundtracks if you need a reminder.)

While I can at least see what the Press Factory tracks were aiming for, some other faux-FM synth tracks are just really bland. They don't have anything interesting going on, and they also don't seem particularly tailor made for the levels they accompany. They're just attempts to mimic what Sonic 1-3 sounded like on a very literal level. Take, for instance, the Golden Capital Act 1 theme, AKA "we've got Sky Sanctuary at home." While the better level themes in this game enhance the mood or even completely carry the vibes of a level, the weaker tracks can really suck all the air out of the room and make a level feel like more of a slog.

What kills me is that there are, in fact, a couple examples of how to do throwbacks to classic Sega FM synth music well on this very soundtrack! They're just not the Sonic 4 type tracks. I love the Frozen Base Act 2 theme, presumably composed by legendary Sega composer Hiroshi "HIRO" Kawaguchi, who's responsible for all-time classic arcade soundtracks like Fantasy Zone, Out Run, Hang-On, After Burner, and more, as well as the hacking and pinball themes from Frontiers. Maybe to an untrained ear this doesn't sound all that different, but it has a catchier tune, better instruments, and stronger production overall. I'm also a fan of the track for Sky Temple, which isn't perfect, but it blends a few Genesis-esque instruments like the Sonic 1+2 snare with other instruments for a richer sound. If the whole soundtrack sounded more like these examples, I'd definitely be complaining less.

I really just have to wonder... how did this happen? How did this end up being so inconsistent? Many fans on social media are jumping to the conclusion that Senoue is just extremely stubborn and refuses to ditch the style from Sonic 4. I can't deny this possibility, but some things just don't add up. The almost complete lack of "retro" style music in the promotional material. The fact that the style just suddenly shifts halfway through the game, then disappears for the final zone, as if that's not the note they want to end on. The complete lack of any tracks by Tee Lopes in the back half. The focus on the Mania-style tracks in the bonus "mini soundtrack." And most perplexing of all, the fact that three of the first tracks you hear in the game were Senoue compositions that were given extra attention with arrangements from Tee Lopes.

This is pure speculation on my part, but it almost seems like they straight up ran out of time.

Perhaps Jun wanted more of his tracks to get full arrangements from Tee, or for Tee to contribute more songs, but things were down to the wire and they chose to leave in some of the raw Sonic 4 style demos. The soundtrack being crunched out in a matter of months at the end of development would certainly explain why Speed Jungle had to be demoed without its music a mere four months ago. It'd also explain why a game that's only a few hours long needs NINETEEN composers listed in the credits. And also the fact that multiple zones just have completely different, unrelated music by different artists across their acts. Did they need multiple artists working on different acts simultaneously, completely independent from each other with no time to cross reference each others' work, due to extreme time constraints? I'd buy it.

Ah well. It's not the end of the world. I've heard worse Sonic music. But I'll always think of what could have been...

At least the final battle with Eggman at the end of Story Mode has a pretty kickass boss theme, which ALMOST makes up for how bad most of the preceding boss music is (and the fact that that very difficult fight doesn't have a checkpoint between phases and took me like an hour to beat lmao). It even seems like it might be written by longtime Phantasy Star Online composer and recurring Sonic contributor Hideaki Kobayashi. That's the guy who wrote NONAGRESSION!!!!!!!

The postgame

Speaking of beating Eggman! It turns out Superstars has a good deal of postgame content, as merely beating the last zone with all the Chaos Emeralds doesn't take you to the true final boss. In order to do that, you'll need to do something else.

Before we hit the big spoiler warning, I'm going to give any future players who are still reading a warning. If you value your sanity... don't force yourself to do all the postgame stuff. Don't make the mistakes I did. It's not worth it, and it may very well knock your personal score for the game down a couple points.

----------------------------------------------------------------

SPOILERS FOR THE STORY, UNLOCKABLES, AND THE POSTGAME BELOW THIS POINT

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED

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The bonus scenario

Sonic Superstars has a big surprise in store for anyone who beats the main story. For the first time since... what, Silver? In 2006? We finally have a brand new playable character in a new Sonic platformer! (I wouldn't count the player avatar in Forces as a full-fledged New Character.) Yes, after the credits roll, you unlock Trip as the super-secret fifth playable character. I was really excited to see this. Trip is cute, even if her masked appearance from early in the game is perhaps a more unique design than a Sonic-ified lizard girl who can only vaguely look like a real sungazer lizard. She IS the first new Sonic character Ohshima has designed since the '90s, though, so she gets points for that - and she gets even more points for literally turning into a dragon when she goes Super. We love a girl who can turn into a dragon, don't we folks? And her playstyle is fun, too, with a double jump and the ability to roll along walls and ceilings.

But Trip isn't just playable. Like Knuckles before her, she gets an entire alternate story mode of her own, which somewhat remixes the level layouts, generally makes things more challenging, and swaps out Eggman for Egg Robo. I was so excited to see this! It really felt like the game had so much more in store for me than I'd anticipated.

...Then I spent probably around three hours attempting to beat the new final battle with Fang at the end of Trip's Story. And it made me regret doing Trip's Story at all.

Once you learn the patterns, a lot of them are actually piss easy. But the difficulty comes down to a few misguided factors:

The fight is LOOOONG. On a successful attempt the whole thing will probably take the average player about, like... seven or eight minutes? Maybe longer? This is where I really started to get pissed at the game for making me wait through these stupid attack patterns before I could attempt to hit the boss once.

The fight is divided between two phases, one with Fang in a vehicle and another with him in a giant robot, with no checkpoint between them. Dying to one of Fang's bullshit attacks on the second phase means having to redo the ~5 minute first phase all over again. And, worst of all...

Fang has multiple projectile attacks that are guaranteed instant kills, even if you have rings.

Also there's a stupid desperation headbutt attack that can really easily catch you off guard and kill you, but I only got that far in the fight once.

It's the instant kills that got me. If those fucking immobilizing net attacks just made you drop your rings, or you could at least wiggle out of them by mashing buttons (EDIT: apparently you CAN do this but you literally have to button mash so rapidly that it's a crapshoot whether or not you'll physically be able to do it), it would have been totally doable! Kinda fun, even! Slow, but pretty cool in terms of spectacle. But nope! Three hours! Three hours on this! This is, without a doubt, the hardest boss I have ever faced in any Sonic game, period, and one of the hardest bosses I've ever seen in ANY game. All because of one attack pattern where making a tiny mistake means starting over.

The glitches didn't help, either. Something about the way the circular boss arena was set up in both stories' final battles seems to make the floor intangible sometimes for non-player objects. Occasionally my dropped rings, enemies I was supposed to knock towards Fang, or one of Fang's insta-kill projectiles would just fall through the floor randomly. This definitely wasn't my main problem, but it helped drive home the idea that this fight just wasn't worth my time.

After three hours of attempts, I gave up. I just went and looked up the ending of Trip's story, as well as the contents of the Final Story, on YouTube. Turns out I made the right call, because boy, that true final boss looks like dogshit. It's just a very dull fight against a big generic cartoon dragon. Apparently this is the thing Eggman was looking for. It appears and is defeated with little fanfare. I think I liked it better when I assumed the scary dragon being foreshadowed was just Super Trip.

...Also, hey, what's up with The End being very conspicuously visible in the background of the last zone?? I know it's just a cheeky cameo, but, like... isn't it supposed to be sealed away in Cyber Space right now? Should I be taking this literally? Does this have lore implications? This is one hell of a way to remind people that the timeline's been reunified, I guess

Closing thoughts

I really hate to part ways with Superstars on a sour note like this, because like I said up top, I mostly enjoyed my time with it! It's really just a small handful of particularly frustrating bosses and the inconsistent soundtrack that drag it down. Other than that, it's solid as a rock. Maybe wait for sales if you're not dying to play it, but it's definitely worth playing for any Sonic fan. Just... skip the true ending. I would have stepped away MUCH happier with this game if I'd done that.

I wanna try to end this on a more positive note but I'm tired, so, uhhhh... look, you can unlock a Metal Nights skin for your Battle Mode bot!!

Anyway back to jamming to about half the soundtrack on loop while pretending the other half doesn't exist, and looking forward to the continued Fang Renaissance with his upcoming IDW miniseries

[theminecraftbee]

hermit horror week day 3: season 5 or chase

Hypno pants, grabbing the last cooked pork chop he'd managed to pilfer from Jevin's shop at spawn and tearing into it with his teeth. He's bleeding from his forehead, and he's hungry, but he can't stop running yet. The distant howling is forever getting closer, and the moment they flush him into a plains or a desert or anywhere else open, he's dead. So he has to eat the pork chop now.

Still, that brings his supplies down to an apple he managed to pick up off the ground, three arrows, a flame bow he'd had on him for a minigame, and a fully-enchanted pair of shears named "shearly beloved" that he'd managed to steal at about the same time he'd stolen the pork chop. He's not going to get any of it back.

They've chased him thousands of blocks from spawn, and if there's anywhere they're going to have guarded to stop him from doubling back to, it's there.

If he were... whatever made his friends into this...

There's more howling. His feet are dead. He's in a dark oak forest, so it will be hard for the beasts to catch him, but--he's being herded. He knows he is.

Some of the hermits are beasts now. Some of them--aren't. Some of them are smarter. Those are the ones that are leading the pack.

Those are the ones he's scared of.

He hears more howling in the distance. His heart is pounding. He doesn't know how long he's been running for. He doesn't know how much longer he can keep running. But, distantly, he hears footsteps and howling and the gnashing of teeth, and he knows instinctively that he can't stay here.

He takes a moment to assess his surroundings. He takes another minute to thank Tango-from-Before. Without Decked Out 2, Hypno thinks he would have been caught long before now. He doesn't know what happens when he's caught, except for the fact the first time one of them who became a beast caught up with him, it bit his shoulder, and the wound hasn't stopped bleeding, no matter how many pork chops he ate.

"Pork Chop Power," he mutters to himself like a mantra. Might as well; that was his last one. Then, he runs through the trees, whipping past mushrooms and dark oak branches, occasionally changing directions and doubling back on himself.

Nearby, a fox sees him and darts into a burrow. If only; he'd been driven away from any bases very early on. If he could burrow his way into a base, he could defend himself.

It's where he's trying to get. None of them chasing him should know that. He's trying to find a base. He knows there are remnants this direction, of things like Bdubs's gates or Etho's village. He doesn't know if they remember that, though. He's hoping they don't, and he can get into one of them, and then--

And then--

It's a good question. He's lost his communicator, and he's not sure how he's going to get console access while barricaded inside. He'll figure it out, though. He's good at figuring out things like that.

Another howl.

He doesn't have time to do it now, though. Not when he hasn't had more than twenty minutes of downtime in several days before a beast catches up with him and he has to run again. Not when he can barely catch his breath before sprinting again. He's going to be out of sprint. He's nearly out of arrows.

The howling, the howling, the howling, and he can't run much longer. But he has to. He hasn't seen any of his friends as themselves in so long. And he's an admin; next to Xisuma, not to toot his own horn or anything, he's the best. If he can get enough time to get console access, then he can figure out how to restart the server, restore their player data from backups, and fix this.

His heart pounds. He stumbles over a rock, scraping his hands. The howling follows him. They're--fifteen minutes behind him, maybe? Maybe twenty? He can't rest that long. He needs a longer lead than that. They're always closer than he thinks they are.

And the ones in charge, the ones who can think... they've been trying to drive him somewhere specific. If he had time to think, he'd be able to worry about why they're driving him through the woods when he knows open spaces are far more dangerous for him. If he had time to think, he'd already be out of this, though; with time to think, he'd have time for console access.

He's getting close to somewhere he can hide. He can feel it. So why are they driving him--

There's a sudden blinding pain as he screams. Something--his leg--oh gods--

He collapses to the ground in a moment of white-hot pain. The howling is so loud in the distance. He looks over at his leg and pales.

Around it is clamped some kind of horrible trap. A bear trap, he thinks distantly. Could have sworn those were modded, but since they probably have Once-was-Xisuma among them, it wouldn't be hard to, too--

His leg is bleeding horribly and at a terrible angle, bent around where the trap clamped around his calf. It's a mangled, bloody mess. He thinks he can almost see shards of bone. He feels sick.

The howling gets closer.

Oh gods, is this how it ends? He can't move with the trap around his leg. It's chained to the ground specifically to prevent that. His left leg is useless. He's out of pork chops, and no amount of food-based regen is going to fix it. He's--he's out of options. The howling is getting closer. He only has three arrows and a flame bow and a set of enchanted shears, and he can't escape, and he's bleeding everywhere, and his leg's more crushed than trapped, and--

He can't go anywhere with the trap on his leg.

"I hope you appreciate my pragmatism," he says to the sky. "I hope you appreciate what I'm trying to do for you one day," he says, and he imagines that maybe xB is able to hear it, wherever he is. That'd be nice. xB would then mock Hypno for what he's about to do, which is good, because it's a stupid plan.

Shears can't even have sharpness. It's just efficiency. He doesn't need perfect sharpness, though, and efficiency is going to have to do in a pinch. The bear trap's already crushed the bone in that leg. It doesn't need to be sharp enough to saw through bone when the bone's already basically powder. It just needs to be sharp enough to. To sever. To finish breaking...

And the flame bow. The arrows. He doesn't want to use his last arrows like this. It's a stupid plan. He should--there has to be another way out--

The air gets colder. The howling gets closer. Hypno takes a deep breath. He pulls the shears out and opens them as wide as they'll go, until nothing but the blade is facing downwards onto his leg. He can barely touch it against the wound without it hurting so much he gets dizzy and nauseous. His hands are already slick with blood just from that much.

In his left hand, he leaves the shears. In his right hand, he notches the arrow and waits until it lights aflame.

Gods, he's going to die if he does this, he realizes with a sudden, horrible clarity. He's going to die, and with the server like this, he doesn't know if he'll come back. It will be a stupid death, and the most painful thing he ever does to himself.

But the howling gets closer.

But the howling gets closer.

He can't let them catch him like this.

"I hope you all appreciate what a thing I'm doing for you," he says, his whole body shaking, and then he pulls his bandana off his head and stuffs it in his mouth so he can't scream and give away his location.

In one swift movement, he throws his entire body weight onto the shears, and then the bandana does nothing to stop him from screaming anyway.

For an eternity, the world is white-hot and painful. It is the worst sensation he has ever felt. He can't think. His whole body tries violently to throw him away from the blade he's shoving into an already bleeding wound, but between having the forethought to throw his whole weight onto it and the efficiency enchantments, it's too little too late.

Some horrible, distant part of his brain remembers the arrow.

It's funny. The fire feels so hot and painful that it instead feels cold. The world goes strange and blank. Hypno does what he has to. Hypno finishes the job.

Then, all at once, he's throwing himself away from the bear trap, using both hands to go against his every instinct and hold the arrow to the place where his lower left leg used to be. A trail of blood and viscera follows him. He sobs into the bandana.

He's going to die. He's going to die. He's going to die.

The howling gets closer.

He doesn't have time to bury himself in a hole and die, though. If he does that--well. It will be a death worse than this if he doesn't get up, he tells himself. He's in shock, he tells himself. He's drenched with sweat and blood, and he's missing part of a leg, but--but he can move. He can't run, but he can, he can move, he can--

Can--

He sobs. He doesn't want to die.

He claws himself onto the leg that's working, throwing the shears on the ground. He never wants to see them again. He's shaking. He falls back to his hands. The bushes, the bushes, he can hide in the bushes. He crawls. Is he still leaving a trail of blood? He can't leave a trail. They'll find him if he leaves a trail. He should kick up the leaves behind him. Hide--hide the blood. From the trap.

What if there's another trap in the bushes, he thinks distantly. What if that one clamps shut around his neck?

It would be better than being caught, he tells himself, and he pulls himself into the bushes, and he buries himself with leaves, and he shakes and he leaves the bandana in his mouth to disguise his whimpering as the bleeding, horrible wound of his leg burns hot and cold and he's dizzy and he thinks he throws up onto the bandana but he can't remove it, he can't--

The world goes cold and dark. The howling is here. He hears unnatural footsteps. Sniffing. Then, even more horribly, though the gaps in the leaves, he sees rows and rows of teeth.

The teeth are all he sees, but he will not forget them.

He doesn't know how long he lies dying in the leaves, waiting for the teeth to find out what happened. It's long enough that he goes from dizzy and sick to delirious. He tries, more than once, to spit out or swallow the--thing?--in his mouth, forgetting and re-remembering why it's there. His leg cycles between horrible pain, cold, hot, and nothing at all. Periodically, he sees teeth, and his heart races, and he knows he's going to die.

Something else steps into the woods.

"Pity. We almost had him in this one," says one of them. "Spread out."

The howling gets further away. He thinks--he thinks maybe--

He doesn't know if he can get up, but if he lies here, they will find him, and he will die. He can't--can't quite remember why, but he doesn't want to die. The primal thing in him doesn't want to die, almost exactly the same amount as it wants to finish covering himself with leaves so he dies on his own terms.

He claws to his hands and knees. He'll--he'll figure out how to run from here.

He has to keep running.

Hypno has to keep running.

Because at any moment now, if he doesn't, they will catch him. And he'll cut off every other remaining limb before he finds out what happens next.

[lemon-bread-slice]

the beautiful juxtaposition of boat boys & swedishbeans, a short essay

Etho? Etho had spent weeks (in in-game time even) literally linked to this man by his very code, lives inextricably intertwined in a way that unequivocally surpasses any allyship future or previous. Etho had to trust this man with his life, and was trusted with Joels in turn, even as they ran headfirst into battle. Etho spent days and nights bound by his soul to this man, at first by pure chance, but slowly, surely, they flourished into true Soulmates, not simply 2 rolls of the Watchers' die. Etho has felt this man's pain through his own skin, seen a much deeper pain in his eyes, up close, first hand. Seen him laugh, cry, shout, scream, fight, survive. Learned his likes, dislikes, habits, hopes and dreams and greatest fears in the dead of night, when they both couldn't sleep from paranoia, their linked lives under constant threat. Etho died in tandem with this man, over and over, only to be eventually brought back on completely opposite sides the next server around, only able to watch him from afar. They have an understanding of one another that can only be obtained from spending multiple lifetimes at each other's side.

Iskall rocks up, calls this man 'Yoel', and in that moment decides to be gay gay homosexual gay [gay gay homosexual gay] about it thereafter. Everyone clapped.

LIKE COME ON?!?!

[playername-player-of-games]

More of @chrisrin‘s gemcyt au :D part 2 to this!

//

Earth is…different.

It’s been raining for three days, (at least that’s what Etho called it, back when they landed). Three days of rain, no light from this system’s sun. Outside is reflecting how he feels inside, gray and storming and he’s-

He’s never going to see his diamond again.

It’s fine. That’s fine. He doesn’t think about it. He can’t think about it, not when it makes him feel like he’s raining.

He’s thinking about it.

She was beautiful, graceful- let him speak and laughed at his jokes. She complimented his fighting, thanked him when he helped her with even the smallest things- things he shouldn’t have been thanked for, in all honesty, like opening doors, or turning off the lights.

Stars, he’s really never going to see her again.

He curls further into himself. He’d reformed with a hooded cloak this time, the desire to hide manifesting physically as soon as he’d Reformed on the ship. He’d had to Reform twice, the first he did himself, without Etho saying he could. He’d been poofed immediately and whisked back into a drawer for what felt like centuries.

After they made it outside, he was allowed to Reform after the ship took off again. Etho said his hair turned black.

He doesn’t know what Etho’s talking about. He can see it, when he looks up at his fringe. It’s a darker green now.

It doesn’t matter. He’s never going to see his diamond again.

“Pearl?” Etho sing songs, footsteps crunching across the dirt of the kindergarten, “Peaaarl, you in here?”

Pearl stuck himself into one of the many gem-shaped holes in the wall, pressed as far back as he could manage, grateful his cloak is dark enough to blend in with the walls, “Go away, Etho.”

“I brought some friends,” Etho says, his face popping into view as he leans over the opening, setting down an oil lamp to light up the space, “you up for some chitchat?”

Pearl tugs his hood down. “Not really.”

“They’re nice, I promise,” Etho assures him, “they’re some of Impulse’s friends! Impulse was nice, right?”

“I guess.”

Impulse was nice, Etho’s right. Their little tour of Earth’s Gem Base had been brief but informative, with a few landmarks. Impulse’s forge. A warp pad. A crash site. Then Pearl got overwhelmed and ran, warping at random and landing in a kindergarten. Nobody came after him.

Until now.

“Do you wanna come out?” Etho asks.

“Not really.”

Etho laughs, “fair enough,” and disappears.

New footsteps- Pearl catches a flash of green and blue outside.

“I brought an aquamarine and a peridot,” Etho explains, voice louder now that he’s further away from the opening, “Grian and Mumbo. They want to talk to you about stuff.”

“Goodie.”

Etho bids him goodbye, and leaves. Then the aquamarine pushes his way into the hole, with a wide, one-eyed grin. There’s more than enough room for the two of them and all the rain water he’s bringing in here, but Pearl curls further into himself anyway.

“You’re Pink Diamond’s pearl,” remarks the aquamarine.

Pearl bristles, “I was Pink Diamond’s pearl.”

The aquamarine waves him off, “specifics don’t matter. All that matters is whether or not you’d like to overthrow the diamonds.”

Pearl freezes.

“Grian!” The peridot- Mumbo- scolds, “you can’t just say that!”

“Well, why not?” Grian turns around, his wings nearly whacking Pearl in the face, “it’s not like he can say no, if he goes back to Homeworld he’ll be shattered.”

They dissolve into bickering. Pearl doesn’t care. He can’t hear them.

Overthrow the diamonds.

It’s treason. Rebellion. He’s suddenly connecting dots he didn’t realize were there- the crash site. A hidden warp pad. So, so many mismatched gems living together in an uncharted, unregulated base. Not being allowed to Reform on the ship.

Oh stars- what has he gotten himself into?

The aquamarine yelps and disappears with a poof- Mumbo catches him, flustered when Pearl rushes past him, sword in hand, back to the warp pad, back to the warp, to warp, warp warp warp warp warp-

A blinding flash of light- he stumbles off the pad and falls to his knees.

Rebellion. Treason.

If he goes back to Homeworld, he’ll be shattered.

He’s being shattered right now, he thinks- that’s the only way he can think to explain this feeling. He’s being crushed, turned inside out, trying to reform in a place that’s too small. He shouldn’t be here- he’s raining- he should have stayed on Homeworld, should have let himself be-

Someone is humming.

He freezes. He’s good at this- disappearing into the background. He’s nothing. An accessory, a set piece.

He lifts his head.

They’re hovering over a lake (he hadn’t realized he’d warped to a lake), twisting in a way that looks like a dance, something bright and cloud-like in their arms. Something about their posture is familiar- friendly. Pearl pushes himself to his feet- his knees trembling, and forces himself forward.

One foot in front of the other. He makes out features- wings made of water. A bouquet of roses and sunflowers and little red things. Too big to be an aquamarine- a lapis? His gem a little to the left of where Pearl’s is, on his chest, right over where a human heart would be.

His humming has turned to singing. Pearl stops on the bank- he knows this lapis. This was one of the messengers, they used to talk all the time.

What is he doing on Earth?

The lapis bends over, dropping petals into the water, and notices Pearl with barely more than a glance.

“Oh, hello! You’re n-” he does a double take, eyes wide, his smile fond and familiar as if he remembers Pearl too, “you’re Pink Diamond’s pearl!”

This is the same lapis. The one he used to tease and trip in the hallways. They’d salute to each other- then to their diamond- then drop form and laugh. They made jokes- they called each other names and playful insults and make faces at each other when the diamonds weren’t looking. This lapis is- is like home, even after he disappeared for a hundred years without explanation- and he’s here right in front of him. Pearl feels like he’s being shattered all over again.

“Was,” he corrects, “I was Pink Diamond’s pearl.”

Lapis comes to hover in front of him, holding his bouquet. Pearl does not meet his eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“I uhm-” Pearl pulls his hood down over his eyes, “I fused with her.”

“Oh.”

Raindrops drip down his cheeks- he reaches up to wipe them away, turns his head to the sky and wonders how they’re getting on him if his hood is up. The sky is clear. Lapis lands in front of him, wings disappearing, his mouth a worried line.

“Why is it raining on my face?” Pearl whispers.

Lapis smiles, quiet, warm, and gently pulls Pearl’s hood down to rest on his shoulders, “you’re crying.”

Pearl sniffles, “what does that mean?”

“It means your eyes are making rain on your face,” he explains, still gentle. He tucks a little yellow rose over Pearl’s ear.

“How do I make it stop?”

“It’ll stop on its own, eventually.”

Pearl wipes his eyes on his sleeves. He feels exposed without his hood.

“Lapis-“

“Jimmy.”

Pearl makes a face, “what?”

“My name is Jimmy.”

Pearl scoffs, furiously wiping his eyes again, “what is with you Earth gems and your weird names.”

Jimmy laughs, moving to sit next to Pearl and tugging him down with him, “who have you met?”

“Impulse,” Pearl says, “which sounds dumb, and Mumbo, which sounds dumber, and Grian which sounds like grain!”

Jimmy laughs and nods again, “that’s us.”

“Stupid,” Pearl snaps. He needs his eyes to stop raining now.

“Would you like an earth name?” Jimmy asks, and Pearl scoffs at him again.

His first thought is no, he doesn’t want one. But then he remembers treason, and he remembers rebellion, and he remembers that he’ll be shattered if he goes back to Homeworld, and he thinks of making fun of long winded messages from important gems and making faces at each other behind the Diamond’s backs.

Surely naming himself isn’t the worst thing he’s ever done.

“Maybe.”

“Go on then,” Jimmy says, nudging him with his shoulder. “There’s lots of things to choose from.”

And there are a lot of things to choose from.

He likes the J from Jimmy’s name- it’s a good sounds- he just doesn’t know what comes after it. He looks around for inspiration. Jake isnt right. Jloud sounds weird, and so does Jeaf.

He takes a rose from Jimmy’s bouquet and twirls it around in his fingers- he can’t name himself Jasper, even though he’s off color he wouldn’t ever name himself after another gem. He can’t call himself Jimmy either, because then he’d be naming himself Pearl all over again and that’d just lead to problems.

He thinks further back- Impulse was showing him something at camp. Barrels of something called oil- the stuff in the lamp. Stuff for cooking. It’s stuff that helps other stuff work like it’s supposed to. He figures that’s a good a thing as any.

“Joil.”

“Joil?” Jimmy dissolves into laughter.

“Wha- hey, it’s not like it’s better than Jimmy!”

“No, no, it’s worse!”

Pearl growls at him, trying to be upset, but the way Jimmy is doubled over, cracking up, makes it hard to keep a smile off his face.

“Oh-kay, it’s bad,” he admits, trying and failing in the not laughing department, “but do you have a better idea, oh great Jim?”

“Maybe,” Jimmy straightens, smiling wide, “‘Joil’s’ a bit awkward to say, is all. Why not try Joel?”

He’s gotta admit that is easier to say.

“That’s fine,” Joel says. “You can call me that.”

“Well then, it’s nice to meet you, Joel,” Jimmy says, ever smiling, “welcome to Earth.”

[zhukzucraft]

Wild Life - Chapter 2

A fan-made Life SMP session project by Zhuk and Schmomo

>Chapter 1< or >Read it on Ao3<

“So you’re breaking up with us,” Martyn said, matter of factly.

“Is this supposed to be shocking?” Cleo asked, “You leaving to go be with Etho, instead?” She laughed a little, cycling through her inventory for her iron pick. 

“It’s nothing personal!” Bdubs insisted, quickly, “I just feel bad for the guy, you know?”

“He is washed up,” Grian agreed, his voice carrying from up high where he was building up their tower of cobble. 

“Exactly. Wait, no! No, he’s not!” Bdubs huffed, “But it was harsh how we all ditched him.”

Yesterday had been a mad dash for resources, like all first days in the Life games tended to be. Bdubs’ plan for starting the Life game challenge had remained the same as always: stick to Etho. But that hadn’t really played out the way he wanted it to. When he’d circled up with his group near the exposed iron vein on the side of the mountain, everyone had realized at the same time an important fact: He, Impulse, Cleo and Skizz were all dogs. 

Etho was not. 

“He’s a cat, Bdubs,” Martyn said, his tail swishing about in warning behind him, “A filthy feline, if you will.”

“Shouldn’t we be building bridges?” Bdubs tried, his own short tail quite flat against his body.

“No, we’re building a tower,” Grian called from above. 

Cleo snorted, trying to cover her smile with her free hand. 

“The man is lost without me,” Bdubs continued, “And I really just want to check on him, is all. Don’t you trust me?”

“Not at all,” Cleo said with a smile, “But go on then, find your cat boyfriend if it’ll calm your anxious heart.”

Bdubs rolled his eyes, turning away and padding to the edge of their platform. After the iron had run dry, Skizz and Impulse had ventured further up the mountains. Bdubs knew his history with fall damage well enough to stick to more solid ground. Cleo had decided to join up with Martyn and Grian who were discussing some grandiose plan to take control of the entire lake. He had followed them without a second thought. 

Now, he stared out at the vast expanse of water before him, “You know, we really should build a bridge–”

“No bridges!” Grian shouted, “That’s the whole point!”

Bdubs threw his hands up in the air, defeated with his teammates–former teammates? It was unclear at this point. Bdubs was about 65% certain he would come back to them. Maybe less so now that this base Grian and Martyn were insisting on would prevent him from any kind of sustainable horse travel. 

He pinched his nose and jumped into the water, shuddering as the cold temperature hit him. He pushed through, diving down past the many salmon and cod to head to shore. By the end he was doggy paddling, which was fitting he supposed. When he reached the shore line he shook himself out, his ears floppy atop his head and smacking him ever so lightly. 

His comms buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out. 

Solidarity has made the advancement [Diamonds!] Smallishbeans > ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Smallishbeans > HE’S THE FIRST ONE?????? Smajor1995 > just wait for the swimming in lava message to appear soon enough Skizzleman > i don’t have anything to contribute but as another S name i felt the need to say something GoodTimeWithScar > same! Grian > Your username starts with G, scar GoodTimeWithScar > are we starting our own train now, G? Solidarity > DOES ANYONE HAVE FOOD THEY CAN THROW DOWN MY HOLE?

“Poor fella,” Bdubs sighed out without even a hint of pity. He put his communicator away. He glanced around, seeing the remnants of other players from the falling leaves and missing dark oak trunks. He decided to keep to the edge of the forest, just in case. After a few hundred blocks, the dark oak gave way to a plains biome and–

“HORSE!” Bdubs shouted, sprinting over to the magnificent herd of beasts. There were six of them, all deep browns and blacks. Some were even spotted with white. “What beauties,” he praised as he petted one of the wild mares, who shook her mane out at him. He hauled himself onto her back, only to be bucked off. He was no stranger to the process, however, and kept at it, taming the entire herd by the time the sun was shining directly above him. 

“Now I just need a saddle,” Bdubs said aloud, before frowning. Right. He needed a saddle. What were the odds he’d stumble upon a dungeon anytime soon? He wondered if they were using the leather recipe in this game. That would be oh-so-fortuitous. 

He hadn’t been paying attention, and the horse he was seated upon had wandered further into the plains, toward the great big snowy mountain they’d all pillaged for iron yesterday. He wondered if Skizz and Impulse were still up there. Why were all his friends moving into such horse-hostile environments? Bunch of scum, the lot of em. 

The land opened up in front of him and he let out a surprised shout of terror. He quickly jumped off the horse, only to land precariously at the edge of the gaping ravine. 

That was a close one, Bdubs thought to himself, imagine being the first to die. And to fall damage too. 

He scurried backwards, giving himself a few blocks of distance. Sheepishly he looked around to see if anyone had seen him shrieking. Luckily, no one was around. 

Where the heck was everyone? Had no one decided to settle in these plains? He frowned, turning all the way around before getting himself dizzy. How was he supposed to find Etho with everyone hiding? Everyone was still green for void’s sake! There was no need to be so un-neighborly yet. 

“Cowards! All of ya!” he shouted out to no one in particular, cupping his hands around his mouth to make sure his important message carried. 

“Is someone out there!?”

Bdubs startled, looking around for the owner of the voice. 

“Hello!?” 

He narrowed his eyes, following the voice several blocks to the right. He stopped right before the ground gave way to another hole. 

“OH THANK THE VOID!”

All the way down below, surrounded by dripstone, was Jimmy. In full diamond armor. 

“BDUBS YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!” Jimmy shouted, “I'VE GOT HALF A HEART AND NOTHING TO MY NAME!”

“I don’t know about that,” Bdubs called back, sitting down on the edge of the hole, “You’re covered in diamonds.”

“I’ve got no wood, no tools and no food,” Jimmy lamented, “Please, do you have any food to spare?”

“How’d you manage this?” Bdubs asked, his ears perking up.

“There was some mild panicking when I dug into lava,” Jimmy said, “Very mild. I may have thrown half my inventory into it. These are minor details. Anyway, can you spare a mutton? I’d take it raw at this point.”

Bdubs cringed, “You’re lucky Scott didn’t hear that. He’d never let you live it down.”

“Scott’s dead to me!” Jimmy shouted back, “He and Joel and Etho found me just to laugh! The nerve!”

“Etho?” Bdubs blinked, honing in on his mission with laser focus, “You know where he went?”

“You get me outta this jam, I’ll take you straight to him, I swear on my half of a heart.”

“And one of your diamond pieces,” Bdubs added, standing back up. 

“You’d take the shirt off my back in my most trying time?”

“If it’s made of diamonds? Of course!” Bdubs replied, rummaging through his inventory, “After all, my hand might slip and grab my lava bucket instead.”

“ALRIGHT!” Jimmy shouted, “Just please! I can’t live down being yellow first again.”

Bdubs chuckled, taking mercy and flooding the hole. Jimmy quickly swam up, clawing his way onto solid ground and giving himself a firm shake to dry himself off. His long fluffy golden tail rained water droplets everywhere.

“Ah, a fellow dog of culture, I see,” Bdubs noted.

Jimmy cracked a smile, “Once a big dog, always a big dog. Woof, woof.” He picked himself up, taking off his diamond boots and handing them over. “Now please, some meat would be nice.”

“Oh I don't have any food on me,” Bdubs replied casually, slipping the armor on. “Should have probably grabbed some before leaving my crew, now that I think about it.”

Jimmy let out an anguished cry, hands shooting out to take hold of Bdubs shoulders. He dug into the iron armor there, “Are you KIDDING ME?” he shouted, close to tears, “Do you have any idea what I’ve been through!? Wave after wave after wave of creepers and zombies hounded me down there. Half a heart, Bdubs! I could trip and it’d be the end of me.”

“I’ve got a bed if you want to set your spawn here,” Bdubs offered with a bright cheery smile. Jimmy screamed out in aggravation. Bdubs patted his shoulder.

“Oh, that explains it.”

Jimmy and Bdubs turned at the sound of a third voice, and emerging from one of the rolling hills of this biome was Mumbo Jumbo of all people. 

“Mumbo!” Bdubs exclaimed, giving a friendly wave. “And on top of a mound!”

“Hmm? Oh! Yes! Once a mounder, always a mounder,” Mumbo replied with a grin, carefully hopping down the blocks to make it to their sides. His skin black and white tail shot out for balance. “Although, I’ve graduated to new heights this go-around. You could say I’m a mountaineer, now.”

“Well, ain’t that nice,” Bdubs complimented, “Are Skizz and Impulse with ya then?”

“Oh yes!” Mumbo assured, “BigB too.”

“Lovely catching up,” Jimmy interrupted, eye twitching, “But we have pressing matters at hand! Mumbo, do you have any food on you, bud?

“Hmm? Oh. Oh right, food. That would have been a good idea, wouldn’t it have been.” Mumbo realized aloud, tapping his chin thoughtfully.

“YOU PEOPLE ARE IMPOSSIBLE!” Jimmy screamed.

Bdubs laughed, patting Jimmy’s shoulder and spreading his other arm out over the horizon, “Look, we’re in a plains biome, I’m sure we can find ya something to munch on.”

“All the animals are gone already!” Jimmy snapped, “This is the life series not Hermitcraft!”

“There’s plenty of horses,” Mumbo pointed out, unhelpfully. 

“I CAN’T EAT A HORSE.”

“Not hungry enough, eh?” Mumbo replied. 

Jimmy paused mid scream to laugh, “Alright, that’s a good one.” He then returned to screaming, “I’ve got two ticks left in my hunger bar before I starve to death. And that’s gonna be on both your consciences now, I hope you know.”

“I’m sure I can convince Etho to part with some snacks when I find him,” Bdubs assured.

“Isn’t Etho a cat, though? At least, that’s what Impulse told me,” Mumbo said, “Why are you looking for him?”

“Because I’m me, Mumbo, that’s why,” Bdubs snapped. 

“Right,” Mumbo said, “Should have expected that. Anyway, if you’ll excuse me I need to collect some redstone down in that ravine. No reason, of course.”

“Of course,” Bdubs played along. He waved as Mumbo pushed past them, black and white spotted tail wagging behind him. He turned back to Jimmy, “Now which way did Etho go?”

Jimmy sighed,  “He went further up, toward Scar’s place, I think. Have you been there yet? Last I saw him he was making some sort of shanty on the lake edge.”

“And that’s where we shall go,” Bdubs announced. 

“I can’t sprint,” Jimmy said, looping an arm around Bdubs’ as a preventative measure. “Don’t you dare leave me behind.”

Bdubs laughed, but acquiesced. Slowing his pace down as they walked through the peaceful meadows. It was strange to see so few mobs and people. Eerie, really. But eventually from the fog appeared a new structure at the lake's edge. A fishing hut made of oak and spruce, already with a nice pier jutting into the water. 

Scar came into view first, arms waving about as he spoke to three other players. Even before he rendered, Bdubs could tell the tallest silhouette to be Etho, most likely standing beside Joel and Scott based on Jimmy’s previous recollection.

“ETHO!” Bdubs shouted, abandoning Jimmy completely to sprint over to him. 

Etho’s head shot up, and there was a soft crinkle around his eyes as they lit up in recognition. “Oh snappers, it’s a Bdubs!” he exclaimed, lifting  his hand to wave at him. 

“Why, hello there, Bdubs,” Scar intercepted, coming in between them before Bdubs could go in for the hug, “Welcome to my dock.”

“Right,” Bdubs nodded. “It’s a nice dock.”

“Thanks, I made it myself. Took all my wood,” Scar continued proudly, his gray and black tail swishing dangerously behind him.

“That’s not even true,” another voice snapped, and Bdubs quickly saw Lizzie coming into view. She was munching on a fish, her small ears folded close to her head, “I made the dock. You only made the shanty.”

“Details,” Scar waved off with his ever present smile. 

“Food!” Bdubs shouted, pointing at the half eaten cod in Lizzie’s hand, “Jimmy needs some! Lizzie can you spare a fish  for the starving man behind me?”

“Oh, Bdubs,” Joel groaned, his striped tail drooping in disappointment, “You actually helped him?”

“He was supposed to stay in the hole.” Scott clicked his tongue, shaking his head. 

“Dogs, amiright?” Joel offered cheekily. Bdubs couldn’t help but let out a petulant little huff at that. 

By that point Jimmy had finally staggered over to them, doubling over to rest his hands on his knees. “One tick! One tick left and I die before your callous eyes!”

“I’ve got food, Jimmy,” Lizzie assured, digging through her inventory, “But you’ll have to swear your undying loyalty to me first.”

“FINE!” Jimmy agreed. 

“See, this is how you get into so much trouble, Jimmy,” Scott commented, “You agree too quickly to things.”

“The man’s on death’s door, Scott. You can’t blame him,” Scar defended, even as he took out his own cooked cod to eat in front of him.

“To seal the deal I shall give you this!” Lizzie announced, handing over a bone. 

“Am I joke to you?” Jimmy growled, holding the bone, “You expect me to eat this? Just because I’m a dog? Har, har, har, everybody.” He pretended to give the bone a bite, only for his jaw to snap right through it. He blinked, surprised, nostrils flaring and bringing the bone to his mouth to properly chew on it. 

And then he ate it completely. 

“Oh,” Lizzie said, dumbfounded.

Joel started to laugh, “Did he seriously just–”

“There’s a terrible bone joke just waiting to be made here,” Scott snickered, politely covering his smile with his hand. 

Jimmy’s face colored, “Shut up! Just hold on a second,”

“Did it work?” Bdubs asked, intrigued. His floppy ears did their best to perk up.

“It…worked,” Jimmy confirmed, eyes widening 

“So I can punch you now? Thank void I’ve been having to hold back this whole time–” Joel started, pushing his way forward and winding his arm back.

Jimmy screeched, high pitched. Etho’s arm shot out to grab Joel by the scruff of his shirt while the poor golden retriever quickly ran behind Bdubs. “It didn’t FILL me up! I’m not anywhere close to healed yet. Get away from me, Joel!”

Lizzie stared at one of her bones, appraising it. Carefully, she raised it to her mouth and gave it an experimental gnaw. She grimaced.

“Let me try it,” Bdubs pawed at the bone, curiosity having gotten the best of him yet again. He immediately managed to snap it in half with his teeth, despite missing several. His eyes widened, “Huh. It’s not half bad!”

“This must be a dog thing,” Lizzie murmured, putting a finger to her chin, “I mean you can feed bones to wild wolves so it sort of makes sense.”

“Wait a tick,” Jimmy said, straightening up, “Wouldn’t that…Wouldn’t that mean…” He let his voice fade off as he rifled through his inventory to pull out a piece of rotten flesh. 

“Oh that is vile, Jimmy!” Joel snapped. 

Jimmy took a bite. His eyes widened. “NO WAY! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”

Bdubs tilted his head to the side. Jimmy handed him another piece of the zombie flesh and he took a brave bite. An explosion of flavors hit his tongue all at once. Savory rich barbecue with just a hint of heat at the edges. He could feel himself salivating for more as he gobbled up the supposed rancid meat. “Oh my! This is gourmet!” 

“Are you telling me, I’ve been panicking for the past few hours when I could have eaten any of the 40 pieces of rotten flesh in my inventory!?” Jimmy cried, sinking down to his knees. 

“This is amazing,” Joel snickered, “I’m glad you dragged us out here, Scott.”

“I’m full of great ideas,” Scott preened, flicking his hair back to emphasize the point. His blue gray tail swished behind him for added effect.

“Anyway,” Etho said, finally making his way to stand by his old friend, “Fancy seeing you here, Bdubs.”

“Etho!” Bdubs shouted, remembering the whole point of the day. 

“Shouldn’t you be with your pack?” Etho faux sniffled, turning his head to the side. 

“I came to check on you!” Bdubs insisted, pushing toward him. “Sure, I was led astray momentarily, but here I am in the end! That’s got to count for something, right?”

“I’m not letting more people move in with me,” Joel growled, putting his foot down. 

Etho patted Joels’ shoulder, lifting his other hand to scratch the back of his own neck, “Ya see, Bdubs, after that whole debacle, I kinda joined my own alliance. A Fe-liance.”

“Oh.” Bdubs took a step back, wounded. “Oh, I see.”

“Aww man, Joel,” Etho caved immediately, turning to the tabby cat, “Can’t we keep him?”

“Absolutely not.”

“But look at him. How could you say no to that face?”

“Easily,” Joel said. Scott laughed. 

“Gentlemen,” Scar clapped, grabbing everyone's attention once more. Lizzie made a loud ahem, her tail lashing out in warning. Scar quickly amended, “And Lady. Although this has been quite the joyous reunion, I do believe you three came here for business?”

“We came for information, actually,” Scott cut in, taking a step forward, “From Lizzie, really. I hear you’ve got quite the advantage in this game, this time around.”

Lizzie blinked owlishly, “Whatever do you mean?”

“Oh, she’s good,” Bdubs whispered to Jimmy and Etho, who were standing closest to him. 

“That’s the same look you pull half the time,” Etho huffed, crossing his arms.

“Game recognizes game,” Bdubs nodded. “Did I say that right? Gem taught me that one.”

“Joel told me everything,” Scott said bluntly. Joel’s ears pinned back, betrayed. 

Lizzie scowled, turning to her husband, “Joel! You had one job!”

“I didn’t know it was a secret!” Joel snapped, tabby tail lashing behind him.

“Of course it was a secret!” Lizzie huffed. She crossed her arms, glaring up at Scott. “Well, you already know, then. No fall damage.”

“No fall damage?” Etho repeated, eyes widening a fraction. 

“At all?” Bdubs added. “Well, wouldn’t that be nifty.”

“Interesting,” Scott continued tapping his chin, “What else do you know?”

Lizzie glowered, “Maybe that’s all I know.”

“Oh, come on now,” Scott started, his tone lilting as he bent forward to get closer to Lizzie’s face,  “You expect me to believe the great LDShadowlady spent all of her imperial days as a cat and learned only one thing?”

“Oh, Scott,” Lizzie said, turning her head shyly to the side, “You’re gonna make me blush.”

Joel visibly scowled. 

“Anybody got blocks?” Etho asked, “I gotta try this no fall damage thing.”

“Oh, it’s amazing Etho,” Joel egged on, eager to latch onto any distraction from his wife’s annoyance at him, “I went all the way to the height limit. You saw!”

“I did see,” Etho agreed with a light laugh. 

“Lizzie’s got cobble in her chest,” Jimmy pointed out, uncrouching from the chest he’d been rifling through.. 

Lizzie whirled around at him, “Jimmy! I saved your life and you’re going through my things?”

Etho grabbed two stacks easily, turning towards Bdubs, “What do you say, wanna give it a shot with me?”

Bdubs reddened, but he took the offered stack, “Oh, well, when you ask so nicely how could I possibly refuse?” Then he pocketed the stack and put his hands on his hips, “Are you CRAZY? I’m no cat! You think me a FOOL?”

Etho cackled, “Just keeping you on your toes, is all.” He wiped at his eye, and hopped up onto a block, “I’m still gonna check it out for myself, though.” 

Bdubs watched with growing wariness as Etho ascended upwards. He could hear the bickering around him start to die down as all eyes veered toward the white cat in the sky. 

“You know, this has me thinking,” Scar started, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, “We could be a whole traveling circus. Think of all the trapeze arts! No safety nets. It’d be spectacular. People would pay a fortune to see it. And there would be absolutely no clowns.”

“Shh,” Joel shushed, “He’s gonna jump. Jump into my arms Etho!!” he extended out his hands, only to be nudged in the side by both Scott and Lizzie adding up to one solid tick of damage against him. 

Etho did jump and, without a drop of water,  landed on his feet before them. His tail pointed straight out for balance and his own eyes were wide like even he couldn’t believe it. Then he turned toward his audience and asked, “Did that make you jump?”

“Oh, BROTHER,” Bdubs lamented, rolling his eyes. Hopefully, his lambasting would cover up the jealousy and admiration festering just underneath the surface. 

“I didn’t go that far up,” Etho admitted sheepishly after a moment, stepping away from his stack, “But you know what, Bdubs? I bet you could water bucket clutch from that height.”

“No way,” Bdubs said.

“Perhaps we should change the saying from scaredy cat to scaredy dog,” Joel goaded. 

“Good one,” Scott replied flatly. 

“It was NOT,” Jimmy snapped, “Don’t listen to them Bdubs! You don’t need to prove nothin’.”

“Of course I’m not doing something that stupid,” Bdubs assured. 

“I’ll give you this saddle,” Etho offered. 

“Alright,” Bdubs sighed, pulling out the stack of cobblestone and starting to hop up into the sky. He ignored Jimmy’s squawking and Joel’s cackling, instead focusing on not slipping off his precarious tower. As he reached the halfway point he realized very quickly how stupid he was being. “Committing to the bit never did me wrong before,” he murmured to himself. He blinked and then snapped aloud, “Except for every time it did! What the heck am I doing up here!?”

He stared down at his audience and pursed his lips. He couldn’t mine down to them now. He’d never live it down. He’d bring great shame not only to himself but to all of dogkind. Plus, he really did want a saddle. 

“You’re a professional, Bdubs,” he reminded himself, shaking off his nerves and squaring his shoulders. He pulled out his bucket of water, counted to three, then counted to three again, and then finally psyched himself out enough to just jump at the number two. 

BDoubleO100 fell from a high place. ImpulseSV  > OH NO! IntheLittleWood > First Blood TangoTek > Jimmy you can breathe now! ZombieCleo > I let you out of my sight for FIVE MINUTES

Bdubs opened his eyes at spawn and let out a frustrated scream. He stomped around trying to let the anger out. Oh, he was going to murder Etho, his eternal alliance be damned. He started hoofing it to the otherside of the lake, lamenting his lack of horse. His lack of anything. Especially with the sun already starting to set. It wouldn’t be long until night befell them. 

“Bdubs! Over here!” he heard Jimmy shout. He turned his head to see that both Jimmy and Lizzie were running toward him, meeting him about halfway. 

“We grabbed your stuff,” Jimmy said quickly as he started chucking items out of his pockets and onto the ground. 

“I gave Etho quite the tongue lashing too,” Lizzie assured, “Put the fear of the void in ‘im for messing with my dogs like that.”

“Your dogs?” Jimmy questioned. 

“I gave you each a bone, didn’t I?” Lizzie reminded him. 

“I’ve got a bone to pick with a certain someone,” Bdubs interrupted, pushing past them after accounting for his relatively small amount of things.  He sprinted the rest of the way and in no time he found exactly who he was looking for. 

“ETHO, WHAT THE HECK!” Bdubs shouted, glaring as the white cat seemed to curl in on himself nervously. His white ears pinned so close to his head they became lost in his unruly hair.

“I swear I was gonna put down some water as a safety last minute,” Etho muttered, not looking him in the eye. He rummaged through his inventory and pulled out a horse saddle, “You still want the saddle?”

“I don’t want your BLOOD SADDLE!” Bdubs bellowed, stomping his foot for added effect. “I want my life back!”

“Uh,” Etho started, glancing over to his alliance for help. 

Joel stepped in easily enough, “Sorry, Bdubs, we don’t speak dog.” He grabbed hold of Etho’s arm, pulling him away, “Etho! Scott! Uh, we should go work on the base! That isn’t here!”

“Right,” Etho agreed as he allowed himself to be dragged, “We’ve got a tree to build.”

“You’re even building trees without me, now?” Bdubs called out, “I hate you!”

“Quite the tragic break up we’re witnessing, huh boys,” Lizzie commented, shaking her head solemnly where she stood between Jimmy and Scar. 

“What, you and Joel?” Scar blinked. 

“What? No! Bdubs and Etho!” Lizzie snapped. 

“But you’re sticking with me right? Not following your husband out there? I take loyalty very seriously here, Lizzie,” Scar warned. 

“Of course!” Lizzie waved off, “That man’s dead to me.” She ignored the strangled cry of I heard that from Joel, instead giving Scar a bright cheery smile. He echoed it and the atmosphere seemed to grow a bit tenser, enough for Jimmy to take a wary step back. 

“Timmy, where are you going?” Scar asked, turning towards him.

“Yeah, Jimmy, you’re one of us now, remember?” Lizzie cautioned. 

Jimmy swallowed, “Uh, right, about that. You know, you two being cats, and us being dogs–”

“The circus doesn’t discriminate,” Scar waved off. 

“You took the bone, Jimmy,” Lizzie reminded him sternly.

“Erm, Bdubs, what do you think?” Jimmy tried, turning desperately to the silent pug still watching the trio retreating in the distance.  

Bdubs ignored him entirely, instead screaming out “WAIT!” at the top of his lungs. 

Jimmy blanched as he watched his fellow dog sprint away from him, calling out a desperate plea of, “Don’t leave me here alone!”

Bdubs caught up to the cat trio easily enough. He stood right in front of Etho, who still looked too sheepish to meet his gaze. With his sternest glare he demanded, “Give me the saddle.”

Etho gave a nervous chuckle but handed over the item all the same. “So…we’re good now? No hard feelings?”

“Nope,” Bdubs answered with a cheery smile, “You’re absolutely dead to me!” He then swiveled round, racing back to  join Lizzie, Scar and Jimmy where he left them. 

“Oh, thank the void you didn’t abandon me,” Jimmy sighed out in relief. 

“Abandon you? No! Never!” Bdubs assured, throwing an arm around the taller dog, “We’re bone brothers now.”

Lizzie cheered and Scar gave his own approving cackle as he swept them all in for a group hug. From within the inner circle, Bdubs continued, “Alright, new family, here’s the deal. I’ve got intel I can share about a whole host of these TRAITORS on this server.”

Still, even as he shared all he knew about the locations of the other players and their species, he couldn’t help glancing behind his back every now and then, just in case. And each time his eyes met only the empty landscape, he felt the cold wrap around his heart just a little bit tighter.

[amanitaphalloides]

what is the jopkey manifesto. if you can share it for those of us not in the gc 🥺

anon thank you for asking this question i have been trying and trying to bait someone into asking. here is it copy and pasted

Jopkey: A Manifesto

Jopkey in Brief

Jopkey refers to the romantic/erotic pairing of Thomas Jopson and Cornelius Hickey, a couple of guys who actually existed in real life and have been twisted into something beyond recognition by Dan Simmons, AMC, and now random people online such as us. Jopkey is commonly referred to as “the thinking person’s Terror ship” due to it kinda making you think.

Arguments For Jopkey

Let us review the nuanced and delicate appeal of Jopkey.

Potential Dynamics

Two tops fight to the death. In this formulation, Jopson and Hickey fight (mentally or physically) for dominance until one of them is (mentally or physically) dead. And they’re both tops. Credit Hannah @groundwater for being insistent about this final point.

Daddy’s candy babies. A popular (loose definition of the word) dynamic in which Jopson and Hickey are equally devoted to pursuing Francis Crozier’s attentions. But in doing so they find themselves irrevocably drawn to their freakass competitor…

Realizing potential. Jopson and Hickey recognize, in each other, great untapped potential—perhaps to be annoying and evil, but perhaps also to be intriguing, exciting, and to live life to the fullest. Whether intentionally or otherwise, they spur each other to explore all life has to offer them. Which given the circumstances isn’t that much.

Situations in Which Jopkey Could Happen

Hatefucking at any time.

Everyone else dies and they have to repopulate the ships.

Angry grief sex after Crozier dies. Perhaps over his casket?

Hickey happens upon Jopson’s half-dead form and attempts to eat him. Jopson simply responds, eat this.

Pertinent Jopkey Moments

“I’ll be there in a minute, Jopson.” Hickey refuses to call him lieutenant. Hot!

Jopson’s mouth twitches while watching Hickey be punished as a boy. Glee, eroticism, or simply an expression of sympathetic pain? Perhaps all three. 

When Hickey picks up Neptune's turd he says "Sorry sir the dog relieved himself before I could call Mr Jopson." This implies he has watched Jopson pick up dog shit before and would feel comfortable calling Jopson for help. Hickey doing a task that he thinks should be Jopson's = they have so much in common.

This is also an early indication of their dynamic wherein they see their respective relationships to Crozier overlap. See "Daddy's candy babies" under Potential Dynamics above.

Jopson guards Hickey while he’s on tent arrest. Hickey teases Jopson about his shooting abilities with his hand down his pants, Jopson brags about all the critters he used to kill and eat and says “My aim’s just fine Mr. Hickey” sexily. Implies Hickey is also a critter to be skinned and devoured! Okay!

During this scene Hickey is touching his own penis and Jopson puts his hand in his own mouth. Through the transference property this means that they have had oral sex.

They appear next to one another in the list of Terror crew members in a published book in the gift shop of the National Maritime Museum as pictured here (ie they are cuddling):

Arguments Against Jopkey

Despite the cold hard facts/group delusion depending on your perspective, some people are anti-Jopkey. Let’s take a look at the common reasons behind this unfortunate sentiment and resolve them one by one.

Anti-Jopkey Arguments and Resolutions

"Jopson simply does not think of Hickey."

Fortunately this is easily disputed. Jopson is constantly looking at Hickey like ARGH. Also we use our little imaginations. Sooooo.

The anti-Jopkey contingency argues "that’s just Liam Garrigan’s face" (re. point 2 in the above).

A typical argument and quite a simple one to dispel! We only need apply the “say yes to the text” ethos—by which we understand that everything present in the text is there to be explored and enjoyed, quite separate from the circumstances of its creation. Jopkey is not so weak as to be dependent upon the actors’ intentions. Regardless of whether or not AMC’s The Terror was filmed with the specific and singular intention of breathing life into Jopkey (which it was), all that truly matters is the effect. And ultimately the effect of Liam Garrigan’s face is eroticism, glee, intrigue, sympathy, and perhaps even romance.

The truth is there will never be consensus in the group chat or in the world, and Jopkey will never be true or untrue. It will remain Schrodinger’s Jopkey, and by offering insight into our psyches and groupthink dynamics, it is actually a vital and beautiful step towards world peace.

Jopkey Bangers

I Fucking Hate You - Godsmack

Since You’ve Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson

I Knew You Were Trouble - Taylor Swift

Jopkey Mood Board

Affirmations for Jopkeyers

I am so smart for shipping Jopkey.

My phone knows the word Jopkey. It knows that I am not typing about Jockey.

I understand British accents perfectly. Every word Jopkey says is comprehensible to me.

My words and actions honor Jopkey and my Jopkeyer compatriots.

I can think completely secret erotic Jopkey thoughts on this bus; my brain is closed to psychic attacks from the bus driver and other passengers.

I know who these characters are; I can tell them apart from other light-haired and dark-haired men who appear onscreen together. I can recognize their interactions as unequivocally Jopkey.

The Jopkey Anthem

O Jopkey Jopkey! Of thee I sing!

With Jopkey I can do anything!

Jopkey helps me laugh and play

So I ship Jopkey every day! 

Thomas Jopson — You always wow!

I know who you are by now

When first I watched I couldn't see

But you're not just Muttonchops #3

And Hickey lad with your sly grin

Reminiscent of delicious sin

Could you really be so wrong?

Not according to my Jopkey song!

[alternate hickey apologist verse] And Hickey — the perfect man!

Through thick and thin we’ll always stan

You’ve never done nothin’ wrong

And so to you we sing this song !

I pray this ship will never sink

Lest we approach the mental brink

May Jopkey sail forevermore

And far outlive Lieutenant Gore.

[riacte]

Space Opera AU dashboard simulator 2 (but there's plot if you squint) (probably worse than its predecessor)

🚀 renthepilot

HAPPY BITRHDAY TO ME!! I TURN 7!!! :D :D :D <3 <3 <3 RD

❤️ falsewell

Happy 7th birthday Ren! :)

🚀 renthepilot

Thank u FalsE!!!!!! :DDDDDD >.< RD

🍵 cinnamontea Follow

... Why is my 17yo ET1blr mutual talking to a 7yo on Sunblr. I came here for analysis posts but apparently she's babysitting her cousin or perhaps a strangely intelligent dog??

❤️ falsewell

I mean, I would be worried if a 7yo was piloting the glider I race in 🤨

🍵 cinnamontea Follow

WDYM THAT GUY IS YOUR RACE PARTNER? OMFG I AM SO SORRY

🍀 et1vision Follow

Chat do you remember when we found RK and QoH's Sunblr accounts from when they weren't famous and were just two kids in illegal races. Because it was hysterical. Hands up if you thought falsewell was someone's canon url and not QoH herself.

🪓 handoftheking

That interaction was pretty cute to be honest. Ren's still 7 the last I checked.

🪸 hoes4redking Follow

[deep sigh] littlewood at the scene of the crime as always

#WHYYYYYYY is he chronically online #he needs to be stopped and locked up #i bet he scrolls through the treebark tag every day #he knows Too Much #do you think he brings up sunblr during dinner #and etho and bigb look at him like hes insane

7,207 notes

🔥 yaoihell Follow

save me queen of hearts

🔥 yaoihell Follow

queen of hearts

🔥 yaoihell Follow

queen of hearts save me

🏐 apollos-dodgeball 🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀🦀 Follow

Congratulations on the prophecy!

[Beep boop, this is a gimmick blog!]

🔥 yaoihell Follow

what the actual fuck.

🌼 fast-and-bifurious Follow

i think i hauve the plague

47,981 notes

🫐 toxicblueberry Follow

hi babes the demons in my head won so new fic!!

i'm your biggest fan, i'll follow you until you love me, pa-pa paparazzi

pairing: the red king x blue stalker (they/them) (exterra 1 rpf)

summary: why are you as a bounty hunter so intent on hunting ren down? what do you want to do with him? pin him against a wall and kiss him until he's breathless and melting like putty in your hands?

word count: 10.1k

tags: enemies to lovers, angst, hurt no comfort, whump, ust, no actual smut, making out, blood, slight knifeplay, submissive rk, open ending

Keep reading

🏹 queenofheartsfanclub Follow

Listen, I don't do RPF, I can handle Treebark (because I have eyes), but this is crossing a line. Especially after the accusations by RK. I think his evidence is pretty compelling.

🫐 toxicblueberry Follow

dead dove do not eat. i am aware this is a fucked up dynamic but it's fictional. it's not like the real blue stalker has a toxic codependent attraction to the guy they're assigned to kill (btw i mained qoh so i completely understand where you're coming from)

🫐 toxicblueberry Follow

oh.

🏹 queenofheartsfanclub Follow

hey

so do you wanna kiss before the haters get to you?

🫐 toxicblueberry Follow

of course. can we get married

#love can be found on the battlefield in more ways than one #fave post #annoying treebark fans fuck off!!!!!!

1109 notes

🌹 fyeahroseduo Follow

Coming out as a falsedog shipper is harder than coming out as gay

🦇 starshipspachelbel Follow

TEN YEARS????

Time is not real

🌃 nightpatrols Follow

I had vivid flashbacks. I feel faint. This post caused so much drama omfg. I need a treebark equivalent on my desk by 8am sharp next morning

🪓 handoftheking

Coming out as a Treebark shipper is harder than coming out as bi

🌃 nightpatrols Follow

WHAT THE FUFHUBFBFUOUOFFUCK

#HES IN OUR WALLS #HE STARTED THE SHIP #this is gonna sweep the next unhinged moment poll #??!?1!?!???!?!?! #HATE THIS LUMIAN GLOWY ASS #btw for non et1 mutuals: this man is literally bi #yeah hes really gay for his pilot. yeah we all know #theyre always holding hands and shit #edit: DID HE REBLOG THIS AT 7:30AM #IDK HOW PLANETZONES CONVERSATION WORKS #*conversion #listen i failed school 2 years in a row ok 😭

19,626 notes

🎵 daily-music Follow

Music video of the day is: R8cer Boi by Avril Lavigne!

🎵 daily-music Follow

who the fuck is renn dog

🎵 daily-music Follow

who has little wood

🎵 daily-music Follow

why are y'alls twink racers larping as royals from medieval era planet earth

🎵 daily-music Follow

sorry for calling the queen of hearts a twink. im sorry women

#im so done with yalls bullshit #who are these people #why do they show up in my tags

898 notes

[blacktofade]

Gemtho Fortnight Day 2

Prompt: Etho gets pegged. Gemtho have been casually messing around for a while now, and Gem's aware that he's been with male partners before, but she's still not exactly sure what to expect when she suggests it. Just as a joke at first. But turns out they're both really into it (characters)

cw: nsfw

Gem likes the look of Etho spread out below her, panting hard, cock leaking against his stomach.

He seems surprised, like he never expected it to feel as good as it does, and as she twists her fingers inside him, he lets out a choked sound.

“Gem,” he begs, and she has to pull her fingers free so that she can lean over and kiss him.

He’s gentle, but clearly desperate as he returns it, one hand hooked behind her head. His other hand clutches at her hip, pulling impatiently to get her closer.

The strap she’s wearing gets jammed between them, pressing into her hard enough that she knows it’s probably uncomfortable for him too.

She grunts against his mouth, drawing back enough to say, “Etho, wait — ”

He moves her, with more strength than she expects, easing her between his legs, bringing his knees up around her waist. She exhales loudly, hands shaking with anticipation as she runs them down the insides of his thighs.

There’s a pillow under his hips to get him in a better position for her, and somehow it feels natural for Gem to shift, lining up the tip of her strap and carefully slipping inside.

Etho groans, hands clutching at the bed, head nodding as Gem presses into him.

She’s wanted to fuck him for a while now, wanted to see how he’d look, how he’d react, and this is better than anything she could’ve imagined.

“You want my cock?” she asks and Etho makes a noise she’s never heard from him before.

He rolls his hips and she knows she doesn’t need to give him time to adjust. She just fucks him gently, kind of more of a grind that has him staring at her as though she’s in the process of changing his life.

He looks beautiful, white hair in disarray, face flushed the prettiest shade of pink she’s ever seen on him.

She rests her hands on the bed beside his shoulders, tentatively thrusting to get used to the movement, already knowing she’ll be sore after. But he falls apart beneath her, like every ounce of strain will be worth it.

It’s such a smooth glide in and out of him that Gem doesn’t think it should be possible.

“Tell me what you want,” she says, and his expression goes complicated, as though he can barely think, let alone speak.

“More,” he grits out, and that’s easy enough.

She tries to fuck him the same way he often fucks her, half wishing she could get him on his knees to see how deep she can get.

“You want this,” she whispers, a statement, not a question, but he nods like he can’t tell the difference.

“Gem,” he pleads, and she glances down at where his cock is reddened and begging for attention.

“Touch yourself,” she tells him, and he doesn’t need to be told twice. “I want you to come around my cock.”

Etho nods again, body writhing as he starts to jerk himself off, knuckles dragging against her stomach.

She thinks she gets it now. Those days when Etho pulls her against him the second she wakes in the morning, when he clutches at her hips to keep her pinned with him as deep as he can get, when he makes her come twice, just because he can.

She understands that feeling, because she wants to keep him on her toy, wants to make him come until he’s got nothing left to give. She’s addicted to the power.

She never wants to stop, her own pleasure shoved aside, an afterthought, because this seems more important.

“I’m — ” Etho starts, eyes screwing shut. “I — ”

He comes before he can say anything else, so forcefully that some of it reaches Gem’s chest, his collarbone, and it just seems to keep dripping out of him until he reaches for her hips, groaning as though too sensitive.

She pauses mid-thrust, breathing almost as hard as him, staring down and feeling stunned.

He blinks back at her, apparently feeling the same way.

“Oh my god,” she whispers, unable to keep from dropping down to kiss him and Etho clutches at her and kisses right back, like it’s all he can remember how to do.

[aquaquadrant]

there is a ticking clock

Warnings: Mild language, shipping

Summary: Etho walks through the forest with a clock in his pocket.

A/N: Ik I’m late to the party but I’ve been on vacation, after I came home I binged Etho’s pov and then stayed up til 2 am writing. Y’all can blame @lunarcrown and this post for this one. Hope u enjoy, pls reblog if u do! - Aqua

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

~

there is a ticking clock

~

Etho walks through the forest with a clock in his pocket.

It’s a standard clock made of gold and powered by redstone, no bigger than the palm of his hand. He’s attached an iron chain to it, because he knows its intended recipient prefers to have a clock within view at all times instead of hidden away in an inventory. It’s easier not to lose track of time that way. Because if it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind.

Another clock is ticking against Etho’s wrist, beating with the same rhythm as his pulse. The numbers are green. The game’s just started and he has plenty of time. This is what he tells himself as he tugs his sleeve down to cover up the timer. He can still feel it, though. Always ticking.

‘You have twenty-four hours to live,’ Grian had said. ‘Good luck.’

Etho’s luck has held pretty well so far. He hasn’t died yet, he’s found a good team, and he’s even gathered some decent resources. Including enough resources to make a clock. Just four lumps of gold and one handful of redstone dust. Redstone is more precious to Etho than gold, maybe even more than diamonds at this moment, but he hadn’t given it a second thought as he put the clock together.

Like the other players, Etho has lived countless lives in countless worlds. But one thing that remains constant is that whatever world Bdubs is in, he needs a clock. It doesn’t matter if he’s in a world where he can’t sleep- which is a special kind of hell for Bdubs, Etho knows- he still needs to have one. 

It helps him, Etho thinks. Knowing when the night will come.

Etho knows what happened on Third Life; Scar gave Bdubs a clock, and Bdubs killed Impulse for him. Etho also knows what happened on Double Life; Bdubs and Impulse were soulmates, and Impulse gave Bdubs a clock as a token of their bond. Forgiveness and a promise all wrapped up in one gesture of kindness- and perhaps, something more.

They were married, back then. Etho doesn’t know what that means, now that they’re in a new world.

(The clock’s always ticking.)

Etho’s already found Bdubs in this world, but they’ve ended up on different teams. Bdubs with Scar and Cleo, Etho with Tango, Skizz, and Impulse- ironically. That doesn’t bother Etho. He’s never had a problem with Impulse. The guy is too earnest, too kind. Even when he and Bdubs were soulmates, he’d welcomed Etho’s allegiance with open arms- and perhaps, something more.

If Etho had been brave enough to ask. If Joel hadn’t been so committed. If things hadn’t gone so badly so quickly. That’s always how it goes, isn’t it? They think they have more time before it all goes to hell, and they’re always wrong.

But this time will be different. This time, Etho knows exactly how much time he has left.

(The ticking clock won’t let him forget.)

It wasn’t that hard to track down Bdubs. Etho follows his voice like a compass, weaving through the dense oak trees, ducking under branches, hopping over small craters in the dirt. He slips a hand into his pocket as he goes, just to make sure the clock is still there. He wraps the chain around his fingers. The metal’s cool against his skin.

He doesn’t call out to Bdubs, not yet. He only catches brief glances of the other player, a flash of red and white against the green forest. Bdubs is talking to himself, oblivious that he’s being followed. Or maybe he’s not. Maybe he’s just humoring Etho until he can get the drop on him, turn the tables on him. It’s a game of cat-and-mouse they play often, a thrilling dance. Etho’s always loved the chase, and Bdubs knows it.

Bdubs disappears around the side of a peninsula with a modest hill on it. The hill where Etho is currently setting up for a mob farm. Etho holds his breath as he follows, inching across the sandbank. His ears are pricked and his eyes are up, muscles tense, waiting for a possible sneak attack- but he hears Bdubs continue on the other side.

Etho steps around the corner.

Bdubs is walking towards the small island that is the top of Etho’s underground base- his and Impulse’s and Tango’s and Skizz’s. Impulse and Tango are currently working on it, flattening out the terrain to make room for the future structure.

Etho pauses, only a few blocks from the narrow sandback that leads to the island.

He’d wanted to do this in private. Like a secret pact, just between them. Impulse and Tango are on his team, the TIES. They’re allies; he shouldn’t be keeping secrets from them. But deep down, Etho knows who he’d choose if it came down to either of them or Bdubs.

If it came down to anyone or Bdubs.

They haven’t noticed him yet. Etho takes a step back, watching the trio. Bdubs has made it across and is chatting to Impulse from behind an abruptly placed door. Tango is still clearing land away. None of them notice as Etho turns around and sprints down the coast, his footsteps light on the sand. He leaps over the river and darts back into the forest, back into the trees.

No voices call after him. He stops to catch his breath.

Later. He’ll do it later- he’s got plenty of time.

(The clock on his wrist is ticking.)

He ends up going to Bdubs’ base at the top of the mountain, because- well. They have cows. Etho’s own team has tried multiple times to acquire two cows, to no avail. If Etho takes two now, he’ll have solved his team’s problem and given Bdubs a reason to come after him. He just knows it’ll tick Bdubs off. So he’ll take two cows now while no one is home and then Bdubs will come for him later and Etho can give him the clock then.

Except Cleo’s home, actually. And she makes it quite clear that the only way Etho is taking any cows is by force. Etho doesn’t want to get into a fight with Cleo; not this soon, not over this. So he concedes defeat and returns home.

He’ll figure out another way to get Bdubs alone, to give him the clock. He’s still got time.

(Always ticking.)

When Etho reaches the end of the forest that overlooks his base, he pauses. He can hear faint voices, and peeks out from behind a tree, not yet willing to reveal himself.

Bdubs is still on the island, talking with Impulse while Tango lingers beside them. Etho can’t make out what they’re saying from this distance. He tries to listen anyways, and catches only snippets. He watches intently, noting who has a weapon equipped, just in case anything should go wrong-

Something familiar is in Impulse’s hand. Something gold.

Etho’s heart jolts. His pulse thrums in his ears, beating in sync with the ticking of the clock. He can barely hear the loud exclamation Bdubs lets out, breaking into a wide grin as his face lights up with joy.

Impulse has given Bdubs a clock.

Etho’s heart drops into his boots. His grip tightens around the clock in his pocket. 

The three of them are still talking, out of earshot. Impulse’s face is happily flushed as he rubs the back of his neck. Bdubs is nodding enthusiastically, clutching the clock to his chest. Tango is watching with folded arms and an amused expression. Even without words, Etho knows what it means.

Suddenly, they’re turning towards Etho. He jolts in surprise, body tensing up as he’s split between running or freezing. He isn’t sure if they’re actually looking at him- Bdubs seems to be pointing more towards the mountain.

But he isn't going to risk it; spying from the treeline is a bad look. He emerges from the forest at a jog, casually making his way down the hillside, into the water, and is thankful that he’s wearing a mask that conceals most of his expression. They notice but don’t acknowledge him as he climbs onto the bank of the island.

“Yeah,” Bdubs is saying to Tango, “just right up the hill. Me, Cleo- 

“That you?” Tango asks, glancing up at the mountain.

“-Scar. And- yeah.” Bdubs blinks, nods his head. “Uh, and, we’re gonna-”

“B- Bdubs?” Etho calls softly, stepping forward to tap him on the shoulder.

His other hand is in his pocket, holding the clock, fingers twisted in chain. It ticks against his skin, like the clock etched against his wrist. His next sentence is already on his tongue, a sheepish yet amused, ‘Guess Impulse beat me to it, huh?’ as he pulls the clock out. It’ll get some laughs, but hopefully it’ll also get his point across to Bdubs. Hopefully he can still save this.

It takes Bdubs a second to process that Etho’s talking to him. “Yeah, we’re gonna create a-” He breaks off mid-sentence, head whipping over his shoulder to gawk at Etho. “Uh- may I finish?” he asks incredulously.

The words die on Etho’s tongue. Bdubs’ tone is- well. It’s Bdubs. All loud and brash and full of unrestrained emotion, never holding anything back. But something about it is different. Something about it is wrong. There was a very real shock there, almost a panic. Like he doesn’t want Etho to be here right now-

“For goodness sake,” Bdubs continues grumbling, face red, “come in an’ interrupt me, n‘less it’s an emergency, a creeper behind me…”

He’s still holding the clock in his hand. 

Etho just stands there, blinking. Impulse and Tango are snickering behind their hands, mistaking the situation as humorous. Not realizing there was anything behind Bdubs’ tone behind a teasing annoyance. Maybe Bdubs doesn’t even realize it.

(The clock is still ticking.)

Seemingly satisfied, Bdubs turns back to Impulse and Tango. He finds his train of thought, starting again. “Uh… I just-”

“Bdubs.” Etho finds his voice, stepping forward again. “I just- I just wanted to say-”

Bdubs fully whirls around this time. “Would you please?!” he shouts.

It should be funny. That’s how he means it, Etho knows. That’s what they do; they banter, they jibe. That’s just the dynamic they have. Etho picks at Bdubs, and Bdubs reacts. He pretends things annoy him more than they do. It’s funny. 

Unbeknownst to Bdubs, he’s given Etho the perfect setup. All Etho has to do is pull the clock out of his pocket, hold it out, and deliver his line. But the joke will stem from Etho’s lateness, the hilarity and redundancy of him giving Bdubs a clock right after Impulse already has.

And a joke like that hits a little too close for comfort.

Etho backs off, managing a chuckle. “Sorry, sorry…”

Bdubs smoothly picks back up his conversation. “We’re makin’ an amphitheater,” he tells Tango and Impulse, “and we’re just gonna sit and watch and wait when people die, and come back. It’s fun.”

“I like it, I like it.”

“Oh, great!”

“It’s nice…”

A small pause as the conversation lulls. Finally, Bdubs turns to face Etho. He puts his hands on his hips, one eyebrow quirked expectantly. “Yes, Etho?” he asks, like an exasperated school teacher. “Goodness.”

Etho’s heart pounds. The clock ticks.

(It’s always ticking.)

Etho shoves the clock deeper into his pocket and withdraws his hand. He shrugs as he turns away.

“Nothin’,” he breathes finally. He grins, letting the curve of his mouth shape a humor into his words that he doesn’t feel, and is once again thankful he’s wearing a mask. “Nothin’.”

Scowling, Bdubs throws his hands in the air. “What?” he demands, stalking a few steps after Etho as Etho retreats further; a shallow imitation of their usual dance. “All that for nothin’?”

A comical response, as expected. Impulse and Tango are laughing, oblivious. Etho makes himself laugh, too. He can’t feel the clock in his pocket ticking anymore, but he can feel the one on his wrist, beating with his heart.

(Tick, tick, tick.)

He’s out of time.

Etho doesn’t really pay attention to the conversation after that. He wanders into the shallows around the island, collecting kelp. It’s not cows, but it’s something. And after just a couple more minutes, Bdubs starts ambling back towards the shore, not even addressing Etho in his farewell. 

Etho wonders if he’s the reason Bdubs chose to leave now. He wonders if Bdubs would’ve stayed and talked more with Impulse, had Etho not arrived when he did. He wonders what would’ve happened if he hadn’t left, if he’d approached Bdubs at the start and given him the clock before Impulse.

He thought he’d had more time. That’s always how it goes, isn’t it?

(Yet the ticking hasn’t stopped.)

The next day, Etho walks through the forest with a clock in his pocket.

~

[orbdweaver]

One subtle thing about Nemona that stood out to me: there’s this moment, around the 4th gym or so, where she runs up to you and apologizes profusely that she can’t battle you yet because her team isn’t balanced right yet or something

It’s a Funny Moment because

1) I’m not the one itching to battle; she is. She doesn’t need to apologize this much, it’s fine lol.

2) I’m not picky with opponents. I’ll happily fight her team in whatever wack-ass state it’s in. She’s fretting over an imaginary problem.

At the time, I wondered if it was like an honor student thing. Maybe Nemona's the kind of person who, inspired by the genuine skill, kindness, & dedication of those around her, grinds herself into a pulp trying to live up to that imagined standard.

That pressure is ENTIRELY self-imposed. If any of the adults she looks up to noticed this anxiety spiral, they’d tell her to relax, it’s fine, you’re doing too much as is and we’re proud of you no matter what, we promise. And they’d mean it, sincerely. Which of course would just make it worse, because “oh no, they’re even kinder than I thought they were, much kinder than I am, I need to work even harder to become as kind as them”.

Anyway, having completed the game, I think all of that is still *an element*. Nemona is a rich kid, student council president, honor student, and particularly close with the kindest & most influential adults in the country. The writers didn’t make her those thing on accident.

What I hadn’t picked up on was, the thing that was eating at Nemona the most was probably that she was worried she was fumbling her chance to make you her friend

Nemona, explicitly, has a weird autistic hyperfixation on Pkmn battling. Nobody else her age does. So her only real friends are adults, who, with the wisdom of age, are able to appreciate her idiosyncrasies, and know how to direct them toward something positive.

But they don't share them, as far as Nemona can tell. It’s hard to tell if someone Gets It or is just navigating around It, especially when they keep treating it as a means rather than an end.

Then you come along, showing a hint of sharing her Niche Special Interest, and she thinks “at last, this is my chance, I can make someone else Get It”.

So she tries to give you a guided tour, basically.

Nemona is already champion-rank; she is deliberately holding back & using a weak team so she can do the gym challenge alongside you. She isn’t worried her team is too weak. She’s worried her team isn’t properly tuned to give you the experience she wants you to have.

She's trying to streamline the process of you falling in love with this thing she likes. Which is of course a self-defeating effort.

The adults in Paldea are all hilariously hands-off. I think it’s fair to say that Nemona lacking a Nemona of her own is part of what helped her develop her weird special interest. The adventure of crawling thru a thorn bush is part of the fun. (I'd wager this is the ethos behind the school's mostly-unsupervised treasure hunt.)

And to her credit, I think Nemona knows this. She’s trying not to weird you out; she doesn’t want you to know she’s following you around. She *certainly* doesn’t want you to know how much she’s tying herself in knots over this, trying to determine how much contact is appropriate. She's attempting the impossible task of trying to suss out how someone is feeling without interacting or being fully honest with them, because doing either might make you think she's weird.

The arc ends appropriately anticlimactically. Of course you like the game; that’s why you started playing it. Nemona was fretting over nothing. All she had to do was consistently be there for you while you grew into what you were going to be. Which she did.

[pixiemage]

SO I’VE BEEN DOING SOME RESEARCH.

I was a bit curious about who would be involved in this season of Traffic Life, so I checked NameMC to see who has updated their skins recently. Some people, like Grian and Etho, NEVER change their skins so looking to them for sneak peeks is a moot point. (For example, we have NO IDEA if Mumbo will be involved this season, because while he HAS recently returned to Minecraft and might be more than willing to jump into a new Life season, his skin IS ALWAYS THE SAME. (Unfortunately, Lizzie’s skin is still a cat, so it’s unlikely that she’ll be returning this season.)

But we also have a handful of series regulars who have (within the same span of time) swapped out of RP/character/previous skins to put on their usual default, which basically confirms their reappearance this season. (This isn’t everyone, as some folks changed their skin days or weeks ago, and therefore it isn’t really new news. Grian, Ren, and Joel are assumably still involved even though they didn’t update their skins in the past few hours. Also Etho.)

There’s also Scott, who is back in his Green Life skin, BigB, who seems to have ditched the cookie sweater, and Bdubs, who has made a habit of showing up to these games with just as many injuries as he left with:

More notably, we also see that Skizzleman himself has updated his skin too, and while it was a liiiittle earlier than everyone else, it still hints at his return this season! And - this one’s a bit interesting to me - Cleo’s skin is NOT her default outfit, but instead, it’s her 80’s workout gear from HC S8:

Now to deviate a bit…someone else pointed out to me that a few Empires members also spontaneously changed to their standard/default skins recently:

Gem and Fwhip! While this doesn’t guarantee that they ARE in the series, it’s interesting to me that Fwhip’s timing coincides with the rest of the Traffic folks who updated their skins…and while Gem’s is from earlier on, it’s the first time in a while that I’ve seen her without either her Empires or Hermitcraft skin on display.

IT’S ALSO NOTABLE that both Gem AND Fwhip changed their skins to their defaults, and also changed them BACK to their Hermit and Empires skins respectively only 5-10 minutes before I took screenshots of their defaults in play. (Note how both screenshots have #2 not #1) So…fingers crossed? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[emblemxeno]

I know Azura and Corrin get a lot of flack for not having shown the orb to the Nohrian Royal but ... weren't they supposed to conquer Hoshido either way ?

Pretty much.

Hypothetically, showing the orb to the other siblings and successfully getting them to fight against Garon relies a lot on unrealistic occurrences going their way:

1) The siblings believing Corrin and Azura are telling the truth. Elise would probably believe them, but wouldn't have the power to stop things by herself. Camilla could go either way in terms of believing, but ultimately she cares more about not dying. Xander and Leo though? Good fucking luck lol.

2) The siblings believing the orb isn't a trap or a falsehood. Leo only entertains this aspect in BR because he was beaten before Azura gave it to him. The other three literally can't use it, so even if Leo does, if he isn't convinced that the orb isn't a Hoshidan trap, why would the others go along with it?

3) The siblings getting over their fear of Garon to fight back. Even when the truth is on the throne in front of them, the siblings aren't gung-ho to kill their dad. Even after all the things he put them through, it's not easy cuz he was their fucking dad and to expect them to flip the switch is to expect poor writing. It's only when Xander inspires them that they're able to do so, and Xander is the hardest one to convince.

4) Having the power to effectively do anything. Azura comments that half of the Nohrian royal army is loyal to Corrin, Xander and Leo, and the other half is loyal to Garon, Iago and Hans. She says this in chapter 23, 8 chapters after the orb is relevant. Safe to say, there wouldn't be enough manpower to rebel against Garon at that point.

5) Doing something that's effectively believable to the player. When the orb comes up, the war has been underway for a while. The Cheve rebellion has been put down, with Scarlet, Orochi, and Reina dead. The Cyrkensia townsfolk are in danger. Corrin has crossed blades with the Hoshidan army more than once. Realistically, what could Corrin's group do to Garon, that also takes into account the war going on? Joining Hoshido isn't an option (and shouldn't be one cuz that defeats the purpose of joining Nohr in the first fucking place), especially when Ryoma is the way he is and Takumi is already possessed. And you'd have to be an idiot to think that Hoshido will just sit on its hands while Corrin rebels against Garon, as if they wouldn't take advantage of the opportunity to take all of Nohr out in one fell swoop. There's precedent for this already, with Hinoka, Ryoma, and Takumi willing to use Nohr's negative reputation to their benefit.

Do you guys know the Rhetorical Triangle of persuasive writng? It's ethos (showcase of author authority through citing of sources or taking care to establish a base argument), logos (building up a logical audience), and pathos (appeals to audience emotions). Most storytelling is persuasive. For your story not to be utter dogshit, you need the central theme/argument to be believable, the logic of a story's circumstances and context in order to believe it, and the emotional weight to get the reader to care and invest in it.

The above "solutions" to the orb issue, would sacrifice the ethos (Corrin sticking to their path, the Nohr siblings being consistently written) and logos (not having the power to start a rebellion, Hoshido canonically taking advantage of Nohr's internal troubles) established in Conquest before chapter 15, in order to maybe satisfy the pathos of some of the audience. I say maybe and some because only a fraction of the fandom has this double-think thing going on where they hate that Corrin gets worshipped and followed for "no reason" but also that Corrin should be totally believed and, in fact, followed earlier to topple the king while there's a war going on. Another subsection also hates Corrin for being a "spineless, whiny coward" so those people might also like this alternative better.

But again, that's a fraction of the total. What about the rest? How would they feel about this change in this story? How can you guarantee that they'd care when you've sacrificed two other major persuasive tools to possibly achieve one for a small and annoyingly persistent group of wannabe story writers? It'd look amateurish and erroneous, not to mention the script's prose in the English versions is already scuffed thanks to Treehouse.

The only thing left for them to argue would be "well, they shouldn't have added the orb in the first place, because it just results in these questions being asked" which... okay! Yeah! In the grand scheme, it doesn't serve anything more than getting Corrin, a character known for his trust, to trust Azura's word. But that kind of critique is useless, cuz it boils down to "well this story should've been better", which can apply to every damn story in the world, and has been said about FE stories in the past. Robin's fake Gules plan was the magic orb of Awakening, same with the blood pact in Tellius, same with effectively every villain dialogue in previous FE games (like Ursula in FE7) that betrays what their ultimate goals are, same with the Turnwheel, Divine Pulse, and the Time Crystal in the future FE games, and countless other examples. At some point, you gotta roll with the punches and accept what the game is trying to tell you, rather than deride it constantly, cuz eventually you'll just hate everything in every story.

Hell, why do you think people say FE stories have never been good? Not cuz they're actually bad, it's cuz people refuse to set aside their biases and faulty evaluations/expectations in order to appreciate what the writing is doing in the grand scheme. It's a lame excuse more than it is a meme, IMO.