#like. my mom feels most secure when she's in control

[mars-ipan]

overcoming anxiety (through practicing the things that scare you) is so interesting. i used to be horrified of taking up space or alerting other people of my presence. now i'm compelled to tell strangers i like their outfits or hair or earrings- on bad days i tell maybe a quarter of them. do i still overthink it? absolutely. but i call attention to myself to tell someone else my opinion. and with the way they tend to smile and tell me "thank you!" i'm pretty sure it's taken to heart.

i used to be horrified of making phone calls as well. this is one i'm still getting over- i just Don't Like Doing It. i used to have a phone call routine that i still joke about- realize i need to call someone, cry, avoid it for a few days, suck it up, write a script, memorize the script, cry again, final script read, make the call with the script in front of me. and i would be Exhausted by the end of it. i don't cry when i need to call people anymore. i'm even needing scripts less and less- i've found out that people actually won't kill me if i talk a little too fast or stumble on my words. i doubt i'll ever like making phone calls- i especially hate robots (i'm afraid they'll mishear me and direct me wrong or a person will suddenly show up and i won't be prepared)- but i can make them now.

i get overwhelmed really easy. just a thing that happens to me. my brain is really really good at taking one task and breaking it up into thousands of little tasks and it feels like i'm drowning. if i try to make it fewer larger tasks then it starts to feel insurmountable. i was completely lost on how to deal with this (other than avoid until you get that panic attack and can do work in the post-catharsis calm until 6:00 AM) until one night when my dad (who i often meet late at night due to overlapping mental illness symptoms) asked me how to eat an elephant. i looked at him, confused, and he said "one bite at a time." that was way more effective than any other analogy i've seen has been. "light at the end of a tunnel"- i don't feel like i'm moving forward, i feel like i'm scaling a wall. "steps on a trail"- i can see my destination, but it feels impossible to move forward. but eating an elephant? that sums it up perfectly. this huge task which seems impossible at a glance. but it must be done. so you eat the elephant, a bite at a time. every time i'm overwhelmed i repeat that phrase to myself. it hasn't made any major changes yet, but it keeps me calm enough to start before i hit the panic attack, which i'll take.

i was such a perfectionist growing up- i actually thought it was a good thing (school always taught me to strive for perfection). but it made me scared to try new things- if i wasn't immediately good at them, then it clearly wasn't for me. i'm still not great at starting new hobbies, but i try a lot of new things within the hobbies i already have. i test out different ways of making art, i try new puzzle games i don't understand, etc. and the feeling of steady improvement reminds me that i don't need to be good right away. some of the most satisfying moments don't come from immediately being good- they come from achieving that skill over time. i'd like to try to learn to sew soon.

idk it's interesting. i rewire my own brain's fear response by doing the Horrifying Thing enough times for me to understand that no i will not die. and while i'm doing it it feels like nothing is changing. i get so stressed every time- it can actually take a lot out of me (turns out fight-or-flight burns a lot of energy). but i look back at then vs. now and i realize how far i've come, and i can't help but think "huh. neat"

[lilislegacy]

So here’s the thing: Percy is my guy. I’ll defend him till the day I die. I adore everything about him, and you guys know that. So this post might shock you because I’m about to call the fuck out of him.

I am so SICK of receiving ask after ask after comment after ask about Annabeth being the only goddamn issue in their relationship, meanwhile Percy gets made out to be some saint. You want to call out Percabeth? You want to be all heroic and talk about bad behavior? Allow me to join you! Let’s fucking talk about it!

The number one thing people complain about in their relationship: Annabeth making jokes about his intelligence. But let’s actually talk about this: we all know Percy is extremely intelligent, but why are we so hellbent on denying it when he DOES act like an idiot most of the time? Like, why is Percy saying things like he can’t tie his shoes or phrasing stuff to Annabeth like an 8-year-old when he’s nearly a grown adult? And now tell me this. Why is it always on ANNABETH to translate and explain everything when we know Percy can figure stuff out for himself? Why is it always on ANNABETH to make the plan? Why is it always on ANNABETH to figure out how to fix things that Percy and Grover usually messed up? 

After Wrath of the Triple Goddess, I spent so much time being angry at how Rick wrote Annabeth bossing Percy around. But then I took a step back and realized: it’s because he also writes Percy as always being so heavily reliant on Annabeth when she’s there. Instead of asking, “Why is Annabeth acting like his mom?” why isn’t anyone ever fucking asking, “Why does Annabeth feel like she HAS to act like his mom?” Because she doesn’t act that way with people like Thalia, Jason, or Reyna. So why is her boyfriend putting her in a position where she feels like she has to explain everything to him and tell him what to do?

You know, in The Demigod Diaries, Annabeth says she’s always known Percy isn’t dumb and that he’s actually very intelligent—but that he just ACTS super dumb. Then she says she thinks Percy does it just to annoy her. Annabeth has called Percy smart on several occasions—including one of my favorite moments in MoA where she calls him brilliant and kisses him—and yet she still makes those comments about his intelligence. So considering all that, let's think about it. Have you ever met someone who’s super smart but acts so dumb that they actually convince themselves they’re dumb? It’s infuriating. So imagine how that must feel to a daughter of Athena. And don’t you dare go, “Well, it’s because of Percy’s childhood and his abuse…” because Annabeth is ALSO fucked up from her childhood and suffered from abuse, but that doesn’t ever excuse HER, I guess. So why does Percy get a pass? 

Oh right, I forgot: because we must always blame the woman for “nagging” and “being controlling.” Silly me for forgetting.

It’s ALWAYS “God Annabeth is so controlling all the time” and NEVER “how come Percy puts Annabeth in a position where she always HAS to take charge and keep things under control?” How come he low-key DOES act dumb and useless (and then complains about it) when they both know damn well he can be smart and resourceful when he wants to? Let me guess. “He’s insecure 😔😔.” YEAH, NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. So being insecure makes it all okay? Because Annabeth NEVER gets that benefit of the doubt. Or let me guess, “It’s Rick’s fault for writing him that way” okay cool, well then it’s ALSO Rick’s fault for writing Annabeth the way she is. You don’t get to pick and choose.

(Quick pause—does anyone else feel like Rick finally started writing Percy as a confident, secure, and assertive person in Heroes of Olympus—and found it so refreshing—only for Percy to regress back into his self-hating, insecure 12-year-old self again in the new books? Because it’s infuriating to me that he lost that character development. Anyway… resuming discussion.)

People are always so worried about Percy feeling inferior in their relationship, but never about Annabeth feeling frustrated when Percy doesn't act like the equally contributing partner that she knows he can be (and that he is a lot of the time). I mean, we know from her POV in MoA that Annabeth tends to feel like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders and has to figure things out for everyone else. And that she feels useless sometimes because everyone else, especially Percy, has all these amazing powers, and all Annabeth has to contribute is her knowledge. And yet, when she "shows off" with her intelligence, it's a "superiority complex?"

And another hot topic: Anti-Percabethers are always talking about Annabeth “bullying” and “physically abusing” Percy. (Despite him never feeling pain, flinching, or even expressing an ounce of discontent—in fact after she judo-flipped him, he laughed and smiled). And yet they never seem to want to talk about the fact that Percy has made Annabeth cry and been extremely insensitive to her on several occasions. And you wanna talk about physical violence? Let’s talk about how Sally, Paul, and Annabeth were all extremely nervous and tense when telling Percy that Sally was pregnant. You know why? It’s explained that they’re scared because his temper is brutal and they never know how he’s going to react—because he previously blew out the pipes of the entire apartment building when he got upset about something. How come everybody is SO worried about Annabeth playfully smacking his shoulder and him not caring, but NOBODY wants to talk about the fact that Annabeth is scared of making Percy mad because he can’t fucking control his temper or keep the world around him from blowing up? This is the guy who’s been kicked out of military schools for fighting. This is the guy who’s thrown his skateboard into a wall out of rage. This is the guy who got so mad at a goddess that he got pleasure out of torturing her. I’m not saying he’s wrong for any of that, but I am saying that Annabeth has never once done something like that.

Let’s talk about Piper’s perspective of him. I used to hate Piper because she was critical of Percy, but then I grew up. She is one of the few people who actually gives us an unbiased view of him, and you know what she says? She says she doesn’t know how Annabeth deals with Percy because Annabeth is constantly having to keep him under control. Annabeth keeps him from attacking/yelling at Leo after the canon incident. She has to diffuse his stupid, pointless “who’s is bigger” competition with Jason. She’s not there to keep him from pissing off Bacchus, and Percy rapidly escalates the situation and nearly screws them all over. I mean, in Wrath of the Triple Goddess, she had to tactfully handle him after Grover drank the strawberry potion because Percy was so angry that he was literally shaking (and btw Annabeth had to figure out the plan to fix everything that time, too). When she’s not there, Percy talks back to gods and superiors and gets everyone around him into bad situations with his temper and disobedience. Annabeth CONSTANTLY has to calm him down and keep him from losing his shit. Do you know how exhausting that must be??

So tell me—why is the blame ALWAYS on the woman here? Why is Percy made out to be some poor, abused wittle baby being picked on by big bad Annabeth? He’s a big boy. A grown man now, even. He is the most powerful demigod alive. He can fucking take care of himself, and so can Annabeth.

If you don’t want to like Percabeth? That’s fine. If you don’t want to like Annabeth? That’s fine. But STOP making it out as if Annabeth is the only one who causes problems in their relationship and Percy is completely innocent. Percy is just as bad—arguably worse, actually. Because despite everyone saying how bad Annabeth is to Percy, he never actually gets hurt, scared, or offended by her. Meanwhile, Annabeth HAS cried because of Percy’s words AND has been scared of him and his temper. So… what the FUCK?? How is Annabeth the one being villainized here??

Now, I can actively defend every single thing Percy has done. I love him for his flaws and they make him such a complex character. And I can do and say the same thing about Annabeth, but for some reason that’s “excusing bad behavior.” I love them both and think they are extraordinary people who’ve been dealt really crappy hands. They deal with things the best way that they can in the moment. But they BOTH mess up and hurt each other, and they BOTH have things to work on. They are very flawed characters, and we can point out and discuss those flaws while also being fond of those flaws because it makes them more realistic. 

Now, some of you might be thinking, “Lili, I thought you loved Percy and Percabeth.” I do. I love them so much that I pretty much have a whole blog dedicated to them. But I don’t love them because I think they’re perfect. I love them because, despite being extremely flawed, they make each other better. They love each other unconditionally. They build each other up and protect each other in the darkest of times.

They are best friends. They are battle partners. They are lovers. They are warriors. They are heroes. They are EQUALS. But they are NOT perfect. Not even a little. And their ability to overcome and work through those imperfections together is what makes them so extraordinary.

And yet, when Percy plays dumb, it’s blamed on Rick’s bad writing and excused as him being insecure because of his abuse. When Annabeth calls him out for it and jokes about it, she gets called an awful person who doesn’t value him. And when Percy loses his temper and acts out and gets everyone into bad situations, he’s excused because he inherited Poseidon’s temper and he can’t help it. But when Annabeth is extremely prideful and acts like she’s smarter than other people (which she inherited from Athena) she’s a selfish bitch who thinks she’s better than anyone else? 

How does that make any fucking sense? 

If you want to criticize Percabeth, criticize both of them. But don’t keep doing this “selective reading” bullshit so you can see Annabeth as the villain when she spends half her life cleaning up Percy’s messes and taking care of him. Percy is extraordinary and I adore him, but he is not a “saint” for “dealing with Annabeth.” He is damn lucky to have her, just like she's damn lucky to have him. 

Either be honest about both their flaws and cut it out with the double standards, or don’t bother pretending you care about the truth at all.

[reidsworld]

Parties

Summary: Spencer, Reader's boyfriend, gets jealous of the Readers family friend at a party.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader

Category: Smut

Content Warnings: fake blood, fake knife and axe, Spencer being jealous, cursing, kissing, hickeys, semi-public oral sex(m receiving), face-fucking, praise/degradation, I think that's it, lmk if I missed anything! — you are responsible for the content you consume, if you are not comfortable with any of these warnings or are a minor, DNI!!!

Word Count: 1.7K+

A/N: For the readers parents house I was envisioning something like the Mikaelson mansion from TVD. The reader is described as having longer hair w/ curtain bangs! This is also my first fic so sorry if its bad lmaoo

Masterlist

Walking onto the jet, you sat next to Penelope, across from Spencer. This case had been a hard one, Hotch had Penelope come along as you needed all hands on deck.

ping!

You sigh taking out your phone to see a text from your mom.

Mother Call me, please.

"What's wrong, Sweets?" Penny asks, concern lacing her tone.

"Nothing, my mom is just trying to call me and I really don't want to deal with her right now." You reply with a groan. You click on your Mothers profile, hitting the call button. She picks up right away.

"Sweetie, let your team that they're invited to this year's Halloween party. Your father and I agreed on the Friday- the 25th, but we would appreciate your input on the date. It starts at 8 PM" she says into the line.

"Alright, the 25th sounds good. If we have a case I might not be able to come," you say with a fake-disappointed tone, praying that a case came up on the day of the party.

"Your father and I are excited to see you so please try to be there."

"Well I can't really control when serial killers decide to strike but you know, I'll try!"

Sighing, your Mother speaks, "Don't be like that honey, your father and I are very excited to see you. If it's any encouragement to come, Julius will be there!"

"Alright fine, I'll try my hardest to be there." you say, smiling at the name.

You exchange 'goodbye's' and 'I love you's' with each other before you hang up.

“Who’s Julius?” Morgan asks with a smirk, drawing your attention to rest of the team who’s staring at you. Spencer couldn't help but feel jealous at the way you smiled at this ‘Julius’ person.

“How did you-? And you’ll meet him at the Halloween party my parents are having on the Friday 25th at 8 PM. No extremely scandalous costumes or my parents will probably never invite you guys back.” You say with a laugh.

Luckily, on the day of the party there was no case. Even so, you had asked Hotch to get off early as you needed to get ready for the party and be there early, as per your parent's request.

Once he agreed, you rushed home and showered before getting ready. You wore a black velvet strapless body-con dress that cut mid-thigh. You had fishnet stockings and black gloves that reached just below your elbows. There was a knife strapped to your leg as well. You had your hair down, styled with curtain bangs.

Once you finished getting changed, you put on dark red lipstick, mascara, and did cat eye eyeliner. Finally, to complete the look, you grabbed the scream mask and rested it to sit securely on top of your head as if you had pulled it up to reveal your face.

You grabbed a small black handbag and put on some Doc Martens, heading out the door to your parents mansion.

Once you got there, their mansions was decked out with Halloween decorations. You parked your car in the garage and went inside.

"Y/N, sweetie, we missed you so much!" Your mother greeted as her and your father hugged you.

"I missed you guys too. And I love the costumes." You said when you pulled away from the hug, referring to their matching Gomez and Morticia Addams costumes.

"Thank you," your father smiled.

It was 8:45 and most of the guests had arrived, so you decided to go and mingle.

You were standing by the food when you heard a voice come from behind you.

"You look good, baby," Spencer said, giving you a kiss on your temple. You looked up at him. He held a fake bloody axe in the one hand and he was wearing a suit with a clear rain coat on top of it. He had his hair slicked back and fake blood splatter covered his face.

"Thank you, you make a hot Patrick Bateman," you winked.

"Well hello gorgeous." You turned to see someone that you hadn't seen in years.

"Julius! Hi, oh my gosh, don’t you look handsome. It's so good to see you." You smiled, hugging him. He was dressed in a orange jump suit with handcuffs on one hand. When he pulled away, you could see him check you out.

"It's good to see you too, love," He grinned.

Spencer would deny being jealous of how low Julius had his hand on your back, of how you smiled and hugged him. But who was he kidding, he was incredibly jealous. So, he stepped forward, wrapping an arm around you, smirking.

"Aren't you gonna introduce me, baby?"

You smiled, knowing exactly what Spencer was doing, "Spencer, this is Julius. Julius, this is my boyfriend Spencer."

Julius stuck his hand out for Spencer to shake. "I don't shake hands, too many germs. But it's nice to meet you," Spencer said, leaving Julius hanging.

"I'll be back, Spence, I gotta go to the washroom."

With that you walked off into a hallway, Spencer following quickly behind you. When he caught up, he grabbed your arm and pulled you into the laundry room, locking the door behind you.

“Spencer what are you—”

Your words were cut off as he pushed you up against the door, smashing his lips on yours. His hands roaming all over your body as you threaded your fingers through his hair, tugging on it and earning a soft groan from his lips.

He tugs on your bottom lip with his teeth, making you moan, before breaking the kiss moving his lips down your neck. He lightly bites down on a spot before soothing it with his tongue. He repeats this all over your neck, surely leaving multiple hickeys.

"Fuck, you see what you've done to me? Walking around with that pretty little outfit and flirting with some other guy who would never be able to make you feel as good as I do," he speaks with a low tone, pushing your hips against his growing bulge as his hands grope your ass.

His words make you weak at the knees, the pool in your panties building with every passing second. Spencer's eyes are filled with hunger and lust as he pulls you in for another kiss.

"On your knees," he says into the kiss, lightly pushing you down by your shoulders. You get on your knees, making quick work of taking off his pants.

You slide off his boxers, freeing his cock, precum leaking out of the tip. You grin before licking a stripe up the underside of it, making him groan.

You spread the precum around the head of his dick before taking it in your mouth and swirling your tongue around the head. Spencer's breathing picks up and you start taking more of it into your mouth.

He takes the mask off the top your head, tossing it somewhere in the room. He grips your hair, making a make-shift ponytail. You hollow your cheeks and start bobbing your head.

You swirl your tongue around his dick as you suck harder. He groans and throws his head back, "shit, baby." As you take more of his dick into your mouth, his hips buck, hitting the back of your throat.

You gag around his dick, making him let out a low groan. He looks down at you for approval before he starts thrusting into your mouth.

He fucks your throat, making you gag and moan around his dick. Tears begin to fall at the feeling and restriction of air flow. He pulls back a bit, letting you get some air.

Once you give him a small nod, he resumes his motions. "Fuck Y/N you take my cock like such a good little slut.”

You feel his dick begin to twitch in your mouth, indicating that he’s close. You look up at him as he pushes in and out of your mouth, moaning so loudly, you're sure people can hear you.

"I'm close," Spencer moans, sloppily thrusting into your throat, hitting the back every time. After a couple more thrusts, he pushes his dick as far into your throat as he can, making you gag. The vibrations send him over the edge. He holds your head still, sending warm ropes of cum down the back of your throat.

He pulls out and looks at you, your mascara is running and your hair is a mess, "you look so pretty like this baby." He caresses your cheek before helping you up onto your feet. He pulls his boxers and pants back on before kissing you on the forehead.

"I love you," you smile at him.

"I love you too."

He picks your mask up off the ground and hands it to you. You take him to the washroom and take out makeup wipes from the cabinet. He helps you take off your make up so you can reapply it.

You both walk out of the room and into the hallway. Just as your leaving you bump into Julius. His eyes flicker down to the dark marks scattered across your neck and Spencer smirks.

"We're leaving now, it was good to see you," You smile at him, holding Spencer's hand.

"Yeah, you too."

As soon as you got home, Spencer pulled you onto the couch to straddle him. His lips were on yours, engaging in a heated kiss. His hands roamed to the back of your dress, pulling the zipper down and sliding the dress down to your hips.

He unclipped your bra, freeing your breasts. he pulled back, looking down and grinning.

"Are you just gonna stare or are—” You were cut off by Spencer's lips on your nipple making you moan. He swirled his tongue around the bud as his other hand kneaded your other breast. You were moaning, running your hands through his hair.

Just as he was about to move to the other nipple, your phone pinged. You groaned and got off him. you walked over to your phone and unlocked it.

Mother Your car is still here...?

Y/N I'll pick it up in the morning, I went home in someone else's car

With that you put your phone down and walked over to Spencer, swaying your hips.

"Now, where were we?"

A/N: chat I’m rlly debating posting this rn. I wrote it in 2022 and now, 2 years later, I found it in my drafts. I decided to edit it and fix it up a bit. I’m pretty happy with how it turned out, when I first found it, I expected it to be a lot worse lmao. lmk what you think of it!! if no one reads this I’m taking it down cause I’m kinda out of my criminal minds phase lol. Any feedback is greatly appreciated🫶

[bernardsbendystraws]

You Don’t Own Me

P1 P2 P3 P4 P5 P6 P7 P8 P9 P10 P11 P12 P13 P14 P15 P16

Chris Sturniolo lives by his own rules, refusing to be controlled. Some see him as a rebel, a troublemaker—but is that the full truth? Meanwhile, Y/N is focused on making the most of her last year of high school, determined to have a normal teenage experience. But when their worlds collide, they realize they may have more in common than they ever expected.

WARNINGS: none

A/N: bacon sounds so good rn

With love and big tits, Rose

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

P6: Choking on Meat

wc: 1900+

The warmth of the morning sun filtering through the curtains makes my skin pulse with a lively feeling. I admire the golden glow cascading in the room, my mind waking up as I recognize the semi-familiar surroundings—Chris’s room. 

Fuck. I need to be home. 

My body twists under a heavy weight. I look down to see his arm wrapped around my waist tightly, his lips tickling my neck as light breaths push through his lips. Oh. He’s spooning me—well, practically cradling me. It’s not even just his arm over my waist, his other arm is under my neck, caging me in against him completely. 

The rise and fall of his chest against my back is slow. His hold on me is so secure, almost as if he’s afraid I’ll disappear. And part of me doesn’t want to move. Maybe I should just stay a little longer…

“Hmmmm.” He hums into my hair, pulling me even closer as he sighs. It’s odd. The feeling of butterflies in my stomach is overbearing. 

I need to leave.

“Chris—” My words are interrupted as he lets out some sort of grunt, holding me even closer. “I need to—” 

The whine that murmurs through his lips makes my chest tighten, the feeling of his lips against my neck sending a wave of butterflies into the pit of my gut. 

It’s so… different. He seems so soft—so gentle. 

I maneuver my feet just the slightest, the heavy weight of Trevors small figure nowhere to be found. Sitting up slightly, I huff as Chris practically yanks me back down into his hold. I roll my eyes, my eyes drifting uncomfortably up towards the door. 

Oh fuck. 

His door is open just a crack, the room barren of any dog. Someone came in here—someone saw. Was it Matt? Had it been his dad? Honestly, I didn’t know which one was worse. 

The digital clock glares back at me as I stare over to his nightstand. 

11:37 a.m. 

My eyes bulge, my entire body tensing with pure horror. I never sleep in this late. Even though I know it’s a Sunday, my mom had probably come to check on me—she had probably seen the empty bed. 

Maybe there’s a small chance she hasn’t noticed yet. Any chance, I was willing to take at this point. 

I nudge Chris a bit. “I need to go home—”

“Shhhh,” he breathes, nuzzling his face further into my neck. “Haven’t slept in so long. Please,” he begs, his gruff words barely coherent. 

My body falls limp, my teeth biting into my lip as I stare at the surroundings of the room. Why hasn’t he slept? 

As my mind runs in circles, I fail to hear the pummel of paws get closer to the door, the slight scratch making me smile as I see Trevor jump up on the bed. He walks directly in front of me, plopping and curling underneath Chris’s hand around my waist. 

He’s so cute. 

“Sleep good?” 

Shit.

My face falls as I look up to see Matt staring at me from the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest while raising a brow at me. 

“Matt get the fuck out of my room,” Chris spits.

Matt sighs as he closes the door. “Dad came in earlier to get Trevor, so have fun explaining that.” 

Oh god. Could this get any worse? 

“Chris, I need to get home,” I announce, trying to pry his arm off of me slowly. 

“I’m fine, I just—nevermind,” he puffs, releasing me from his hold as if he had been burned. I feel a dull ache in my chest, a sinking sensation spreading through my body. Chris gets up quickly. He stands up, running a hand over his face with a deep sigh. 

“I need to go home—”

“What? You need me to walk you like a dog?” 

Ouch. 

My face falls as I recognize his bitter tone, his eyes dropping to a cold glare as he rummages around the room mindlessly. Is he even looking for something? Or does he just want to ignore me?

Trevor nuzzles further into me, letting out a small grumble as I get up off the bed. I pet my hand soft on his head, my lips curling into a sympathetic smile as I try to take a deep breath. 

“Get out of my room. Go home,” Chris tuts, barely brushing past me as he storms out the door, leaving it open as if he’s trying to urge me to be faster. 

He doesn’t spare me any sort of acknowledgment before disappearing down the hallway. I hear a door click shut, the sound of shower water buzzing from the other side of the wall. My eyes drift to Trevour. I feel my lip quiver, a wave of chaos floating into my mind. Why did he have to be so cold?

It felt good to be in someone’s arm, for them to want me. And it had perished as soon as he really woke up. I thought we had some sort of understanding, but I guess not. 

I walk out the room, my arms folded across my chest as I take soft steps towards the living room. My feet freeze as I enter the main room. 

The living room is barren, the messy blankets still strung along the dented couch cushion. My eyes stay frozen towards the door, the bodies in the kitchen moving in my peripheral vision. 

Matt is sitting at the counter. He’s staring at his phone with a dumb smile, his thumbs tapping profusely on the screen. 

“Do you want some breakfast?” 

The question from the older man catches me off guard. My mouth gapes open, my hands gripping tighter around myself as I blink quickly scanning the surroundings. 

“It’s, um—it’s not what it looks—”

Before I can finish, he interrupts me. 

“You don’t have to explain anything to me, kid. I’m just askin’ if you want some breakfast,” he explains, laughing as he holds up a plate full of food. Bacon. My mouth waters just from the smell. When’s the last time I didn’t have protein pancakes or a smoothie for breakfast? 

“I, um—I should get home, I’m sorry for intruding,” I huff, trying to take a couple more steps towards the door. 

As my hand lands on the doorknob, I feel something bump into my ankles—Trevor. The dog nips at my sweatpants, tugging and pulling.

“I think he wants you to stay,” the older man remarks, laughing as he swings a spatula around. 

He reminds me of Matt, but a bit more outgoing. I shake my head, going to awkwardly refuse the offer, but the older man sets the plate on the counter next to Matt, nudging for me to come over and sit. Trevor drops my clothes from his teeth as soon as I start walking back over. 

“You can call me Jimmy by the way—or J-Dawg, I’m cool like that,” he winks, handing me a fork as I settle into the kitchen stool. 

Matt shakes his head beside me. “No one calls him that except himself.” 

“Oh, well—thanks,” I smile awkwardly, pushing my fork into the hashbrown sizzling on the plate. My eyes go wide, my words falling rushedly out of my lips, “Oh—I’m Y/n, sorry, I…” A blush covers my face as I realize just how quickly the words left my mouth. 

“Lovely to meet ya,” he remarks, smiling with a cheery grin before turning around and moving the spatula in the pan. “Can’t remember the last time Chris had someone over,” he puffs, his words barely audible over the sound of food cooking. 

“Yeah, I… it wasn’t really planned,” I explain, cringing as the words muffle from the food being stuffed in my mouth. 

Matt shifts from beside me. I notice how his posture is hunched over, completely invested in his phone. “You good?” I ask, elbowing him lightly. 

“Ugh, I just,” he looks over at me, turning his phone off and placing it down on the counter. “Mia said yes to a date. I wanna take her to the museum since she loves history and art, but I… what the fuck do I wear?” 

I nearly choke on my food. As I cough repeatedly, I hear the clink of a glass, looking down to see Jimmy pushing a cup of water in front of me. 

“You good, kid?” Jimmy asks, his eyes furrowed together as he watches me catch my breath. 

I look between the two. My eyes focus on Matt, my face crinkled as I stare at him with concern. “You just curse in front of your dad?” I ask, my voice high in pitch. 

A gut laughter makes me shrivel, my neck heating up as I maneuver my weight in the stool. Jimmy is practically crying, tears welling up in his eyes. “Oh kid, that’s what scared ya? I don’t care at all—or should I say, J-Dawg don’t spare any damns!” he remarks, pursing his lips as if he’s posing. 

Spare a damn? 

My lips flubber with a muffled giggle. I let out a sigh of relief as I take a long sip of water, grabbing onto a piece of bacon and starting to munch on it. I like his dad. Why couldn’t Chris be more like him? Or even more like Matt? Why did he have to be so… ugh. 

“Anyhow,” Matt start, staring back at me as he nervously fiddles with his hands. “I don’t really know, like, what to wear. Do you think you could…I don’t know…help me?” he questions. 

I nod my head affirmatively, covering my mouth as I struggle to eat the warm food. I should’ve just waited for it to cool down, but it looked too good. “Yeah, I—wait, when does Chris usually come out?” I ask.

Matt shrugs. “Usually after he takes a shower, why?”

The dull ache in my chest returns as I spare a quick stare down the empty hallway. “I, um—I should probably go before he sees me, he didn’t exactly want me to be here.” 

Scratching my nails into my head, I try to chew quicker, wincing as I swallow too soon. I should be in a rush to get home for the sake of my mother—not for the sake of being caught by Chris in his kitchen, talking to his dad and brother.

“He looked like he wanted you here earlier,” Jimmy puffs. 

My eyes go wide with his statement. I look over to Matt, watching as he shrugs. “Dad always gets Trevor in the morning. I told you this, remember?” he retorts. 

Well, fuck. I almost forgot he had said that earlier. He saw me cuddled up with his son. How fucking awkward. 

“Yeah, I thought I was delusional when I saw that Chris was actually asleep for once. Imagine how shocked I was when I saw someone else with him, ha!” Jimmy laughs, my anxiety easing as I analyze his comforting humor. He turns to face me, waving the spatula as he speaks, “You’re welcome anytime. If my dog likes ya, you can hang out whenever—he loves to be pet.”

I smile fondly. “Yeah, he does. I like him too,” I say, looking down to find the fluffy dog beneath my feet, curled in a tight ball and letting out soft snores. 

“Will you help me with my outfit though? Please?” Matt asks, his eyes mimicking Trevor’s when the dog begs from pets with a small whine. 

How could I say no? 

[ninii-winchester]

You’d never know (Part 1)

Pairing : Dean Winchester X Reader

Word count : 1.3k

Warnings : angst, hurt/no comfort, spoilers s13, Dean is an asshole.

I DO NOT GIVE PERMISSION TO COPY MY WORK, TRANSLATE IT OR POST IT TO ANY OTHER PLATFORM. REBLOGS ARE APPRECIATED.

The sun dipped below the horizon, the world slowly enveloping in darkness. The same could be said for Y/n's mind. Dark clouds of hurt and loneliness lingering in the air, encasing her in an impenetrable bubble of insecurities. It was hard time, stating that is an understatement. It was a dire situation. She thought back to how she got here.

When Jack was born, his mother died giving birth to him. Lucifer arrived at cabin to take Jack away. He killed Castiel. Mary fought Lucifer pushing him inside the rift to the alternate universe, but before the rift could close Lucifer pulled her in with him.

Y/n, Sam and Dean watched in terror as Mary fell through and the rift closed. While Sam panicked, Dean was horrified. He couldn't lose his mom, not again. Y/n let out a gasp, her mouth dropped open as the dread settled in. She knew Dean would lose it, he's not gonna sit back knowing his mom is stuck in the apocalypse world with the Devil himself.

After burning Cas and Kelly's bodies, the trio took Jack back to the bunker. The air was tense, Dean wasn't happy with the decision. He didn't trust Jack, he didn't want him anywhere near him, his brother or his girlfriend. It was because of the Nephilim that he lost his mother.

Y/n was worried, Dean had closed off, he was distant. Most of all, he was angry. All the time. He constantly snapped at Sam, brushed her off any given moment. He wouldn't even look at Jack. The kid was trying to make good in Dean's eyes but he just shurgged him off.

Dean started to unwind a bit after the shifter case, and even more when Jack brought Cas back. Y/n was relieved that Dean was coming back to his normal self. After Jack accidentally killed the security guard, he decided to leave. Until he could control his powers, he wouldn't come back. Y/n was worried about the kid leaving on his own but she had faith in him.

"Hey!" Dean said bringing Y/n out of her thoughts. "You seem lost."

"Just thinking." She shrugged closing the book in front of her and putting it back in its place on the shelf. "You need something?" She asked tersely. She wasn't trying to be mean, but lately she didn't feel like he wanted her. After he brushed her off so many times, she didn't bother him.

Dean could hear the formality in her voice, and he knew he deserved it. He had been too preoccupied with his concerns to realise he'd been not only neglecting her but hurting her in the process, when all she wanted to do was help. "Just wanted to say I'm sorry." He gauged her expressions to see how bad he had fucked up.

Instead of speaking, she gave him a look. He couldn't quite read what was it supposed to mean. He chewed on his lower lip, leaning back against the table. With a loud sigh he moved towards her. Laying his hands gently on her waist.

"Dean." She reprimanded. She knew what he was apologising for, but she didn't need his apology. She wanted him to talk to her. She's told him a thousand times that she wants him to communicate. She knows it's hard for him but she needs him to express himself, she needs him to have healthy coping mechanisms. She doesn't want him to shut her out or resorting to alcohol.

"I know, I know." He rested his forehead on her shoulder. "I shouldn't have pushed you away. It wasn't fair to you. I'm sorry. I'll do better next time."

"I just need you to communicate with me, Dean. We're in this together. For better or worse. Next time, don't shut me out. We'll get through this. We always do." Dean nodded, his green eyes looking at her.

"Yeah." He placed a kiss on her head. "I promise."

When Jody called on a supposed lead on Jack, the trio went to find him. When they finally found Jack, he was with a girl, who ran away as soon as she saw the trio. Jack confessed that he was trying to help bring Mary back.

"That girl is a powerful dream-walker, her name is Kaia. She can help us." Jack said.

"You thought good kid. We'll find Kaia and bring Mary back." Y/n said patting Jack on the back.

When they finally found Kaia, she refused to help. She said that it was scary, and that she cannot get them anywhere other than The Bad Place, Dean's patience was running thin, he was growing frustrated, his mind was going off the rails knowing the key to getting his mother back is right in front of him but refusing to help. Sam tried to ask Kaia politely but then Dean pulled his gun from his jacket and undid the safety.

"Get in the car." He said calmly. He was anything but calm.

"Dean." Y/n and Sam warned. He pointed his gun at the young girl and Y/n moved in front of him. "Dean, this is not the way to convince her. You're not thinking straight."

"It's my Mom, Y/n." He growled.

"I know Dean I understand but-"

"No you don't!" He exclaimed. "You'd never know how I feel Y/n. You've never had a mom." Dean yelled and the atmosphere fell completely silent. The only sound audile was the woosh of air. Y/n let out a gasp taking a step back. "You wanted me to communicate huh? So listen to me and listen to me good. You don’t know how I feel, I need my mom back and" he pointed his gun at Kaia "she's gonna come with us either way. And you're gonna move out of the way."

"Dean." Sam exclaimed his eyes widened. He wasn't sure what possessed Dean to say all that but he went too far this time.

It was true that Y/n never knew her mom, she was barely two months old when her parents gave her up. It wasn't until she was thirteen she found out that her parents didn't want her since they were too young to be parents. She had told Dean about her longing for her parents but she never thought he'd use it against her.

Without a word she moved aside, unblocking his path to the dream walker. He motioned the girl with his gun to move and she got into the car, Jack followed. With his jaw clenched, Dean got into the drivers seat and slammed the door.

"Y/n." Sam started, "I'm so sorry. Dean he's..."

"Go Sam." Was all she said.

Sam approached her with hesitant steps, he hugged her tightly. "I'm really sorry." He whispered. Dean watched the two in the rear veiw mirror, the anger flushing away and guilt settling in. He knew he regretted those words the moment he said it but he was far too gone in the moment to realise. He turned his head to the front as he heard Sam slide into the  passenger's seat. The air was thick with tension as they drove off to South Dakota.

Y/n wouldn't lie, sometimes she thought that Dean didn't need her as much as she needed him, she often thought he might leave her but never in a million years did she think it'd be this way. She never expected him to hit where it hurts the most. In that moment, each and every feeling resurfaced. The feelings she tried so hard to suppress, the feelings of being unwanted, of not being enough.

She can't ever forgive him and won't ever forgive Dean Winchester.

Tags:

@spnfamily-j2 @galway-girlatwork @deangirl96 @queensilber

@s0urw00lf @monkey-d-hoshizora98 @deans-baby-momma @fullbelieverheart

@riah1606 @xx-spooky-little-vampire-xx @hobby27

@starkleila @suckitands33

[otomes-and-tears]

please analyze Pran.. my wife.. i need more content about him and i Love the way you analyze shiloh so..

OH, YOU WANT ME TO TALK ABOUT PRAN?!? YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND! It's sad hours, so let me talk a little about attachment theory since it really struck me when I first played Pran's route. Attachment theory, in essence, is about how the relationships you had as a kid, especially with your parents or caregivers, shape how you connect with others later in life. Basically, if you felt safe, cared for, and supported as a kid, you’re more likely to form healthy, secure relationships as an adult. But if your caregivers were inconsistent, abusive, neglectful, or even overbearing, it can impact how you relate to others later in your life.

The theory originated from an experiment in the 70s where babies around 12-18 months old were put into a controlled environment with their mothers. They played with toys while their mom was present, establishing how the baby normally behaved with their mom around, and later on, a stranger walked into the room, establishing how they reacted to strangers while their mom was around. Moments later their mother walked out of the room, leaving the baby alone with the stranger. The baby usually got scared and distressed, and then their mother was instructed to walk back into the room-- that's the most crucial part of the experiment: how the child reacts to the reunion. Based on their behavioural patterns, Ainsworth identified three main attachment styles:

1- Secure: Where the baby got upset when their mom left, but calmed down quickly once she returned. It signalled that the babies trusted that their mother would return, found comfort in her, and were easily soothed when distressed. It signalled that their caregivers were attentive to their needs and present. 2- Anxious-Ambivalent: The baby got significantly more distressed when the mom left and had trouble calming down after she returned, clinging to their parent while also appearing mad at them. Tend to be clingy and fear leaving their caregiver's side. It signals a lack of a feeling of security from the child towards their parent and an inconsistent response to the child's emotional needs. 3- Insecure-Avoidant: The baby didn't seem to get upset by the mother leaving and didn't seem to care when she returned. Doesn't seek any comfort from the mother and doesn't interact with the stranger. Highly independent, can signal that they're independent from their caregivers, who don't fulfil the child's emotional needs.

Later on, in the mid-eighties, other researchers identified another attachment style based on new research:

4- Disorganised-insecure: A mix of avoidant and anxious reactions, tending to be unpredictable.

So… Where does Pran fit into all of this? Well, if you've played his route, you might be familiar with his backstory. If you haven't, fear not, for I have screenshots!

I remember this scene being like a punch in the gut to me. I had been whining about not really enjoying his route because I didn't get him the way I did with the other characters, but this specific scene put everything into perspective.

Pran was highly neglected as a child. Neither his physical or emotional needs were met by his parents, who he describes as hippies. Due to their beliefs, Pran was "homeschooled, " which alienated him from other children and affected his socialization skills. He's shown to be anxious and quiet as a kid, not really engaging with anyone and keeping those he meets at arms-length, a trait he still maintains later on in life.

He was also a people pleaser. His grandparents wanted him to get a better education and firmly opposed the way his parents raised him (and hated his father), so they were constantly at odds with Pran's parents. In his attempts to try and please his grandparents, he'd anger his parents, and in his attempts to anger his parents, he'd anger his grandparents. Since no one was ever happy, no matter what he chose, he chose to do nothing at all. He's closed off and a contrarian as a consequence of the neglect he suffered, and of being used by his family as a pawn in their in-fighting.

I think a lot of his behaviour is consistent with an Insecure-Avoidant type. His forced independence, the neglect he suffered, learning to mask his feelings and avoiding voicing them because he feared they wouldn't be heard. And all of this affected his relationships in the future. They're functional, utilitarian.

We see with JB how their entire relationship is entirely dependent on her insistence, and the effort that she puts in. No matter how many times she reiterates her interest, or tries to engage with him, he always seems to shut her down and insist that he doesn't care, even though he does genuinely grow to like her. Those are behaviours he adheres to to make others avoid him-- and since JB, above all, is someone who craves praise and attention, in theory, it should be the easiest way to make himself unappealing to her. But she stays. And Pran still withdraws, he isn't used to being able to rely on other people aside from himself (and later Jeremy) so he's unused to it. All his relationships before her were entirely physical and superficial so he could avoid the emotional labour.

Beneath the surface, I think Pran feels lonely and misunderstood. He's scared of admitting he cares and opening himself up to be a disappointment again. It's a sick way of feeling safe. His self-esteem is wrapped by his experiences-- your caregivers are the first figures you look up to for validation. The lack of positive attention, be it support, acknowledgement and their inconsistent at best presence in his life, not to mention his isolation from other kids which made him straight up lack other forms of external support and validation, made his sense of self-worth extremely low. Beneath the surface, I think Pran feels lonely and misunderstood. He's scared of admitting he cares and opening himself up to be a disappointment again. He prefers to pretend to be cold and aloof because it means that people expect nothing from him. And if they don't expect anything, it means he can't be a disappointment. He can't be rejected if he doesn't invest himself in a relationship in the first place.

That might have also stunted his ability to recognise and process his emotions in a healthy way, which could've manifested as an apparent numbness in his teen years.

Before anyone gets too depressed, this isn't a life sentence. I think that by opening himself up (in a way) to a relationship in the first place, Pran took a huge step in breaking that cycle. As pushy as JB can be, I do believe that she genuinely cares about her partner, and sticking around and reiterating her interest, engaging with him even when he does all in his power to push her away, could perhaps act like a positive to him.

If he thinks of himself as someone broken and unfixable, she shows him that he's worth the trouble.

[a-spes]

I litteraly can't stop thinking about this post from @whumped-by-glitter ~ Like, can we (please) take a minute to think about how perfect it's for Wandanat or BlackHill x young!R where they take her out of the Red Room?? | Warnings & Tags : messy blurb? (imagine? idk, just wanting to share my thoughts, and couldn't stop writing), mainly BlackHill, mentions of the Red Room/past abuses, no idea if that makes sense. Imagine, teen or young adult R that fails a mission, and is captured by SHIELD/The Avengers. R isn't really cooperative, even if she is not under mind control anymore, she firmly believes that. However, Nat just can't accept the idea of leaving her rotting in a cell for the rest of her life for something that isn't really her fault. Despite what R can say, Natasha wants to believe that it's not true, and that she will be able to show her that life is way more than the Red Room.

But it's not that easy. Nat more than anyone else knows that you don't come back from the Red Room that easily, and she can only assumes that it would be worst for someone that went under mind control. And she was right. At first, she tried to introduce you to how life outside is, how sweet it could be, but she quickly noticed that it didn't work. Whenever she asks you a question about what you would like, she gets no answer. If she doesn't tell you to eat or to go somewhere, you don't do it. The amount of time you didn't followed her or talked because she didn't especially told you to do so is insane, especially in the beginning. So she decides to do what she thinks it's best, even if she hates it: giving you order, being stern with you, offering you a place you know, where you feel safe (no matter how sick it's) because you can predict it, a space where you'll be fine as long as you do as your ask. The world is a big and scary place in which to evolve in, especially when you don't have the keys to understand it - what you do something you're not supposed to, and you're punished for that? R will eventually come here, but it'll definitely takes a lot of time.

But obvsiouly Nat' is hating herself for that. She knows she has to do it, for you, but it doesn't make it easier. She does it because she believes it will help you to feel better, and because if you're under her orders, they have less reasons to be worried that you would attend something under Dreykov's name (or try to go back to him). She feels guilty, and old thoughts about her not being better than the man that made them are coming back. But Maria/Wands are here to help their wife <3

AND SO, here is how I see things if it's WandaNat we're talking about - I picture Wands as the soft mom she is shown as in Wandavision, and she would definitely not appreciate Nat's methods. She trusts her wife, she knows that she has her reasons, and it must be the best way to help you, but she still doesn't like it. She hates the way you always look down, the way you would do everything her wife is asking without thinking twice about it, and most of it, she hates when you're calling Nat' "ma'am" or something else of that kind. She hates even more than her wife isn't saying anything. She didn't know you for long, but she already loves you as her own, and it pains her when you reject her. Sometimes, she and Nat would argue about the whole situation (and those arguments would definitely go too far).

BUT imagine if it's BlackHill?? Even better in my opinion, and definitely can't stop thinking about it ~ Because, unlike Wanda, Maria is directly concerned. She read your file, she saw footages of you killing dozens of people, she tracked you, lost men in the process, and she saw how you didn't seem to regret anything when she questioned you. So Maria has every reasons to be worried, especially for her wife's security (physically and mentally). What if it's just a part of a biggest plan to attempt to kill the redhead? Or worst, to take her back there? I can easily Maria being upset, and taking it out on the other recruit she is training (poor them), not daring to do much more than glaring at you, knowing her wife wouldn't appreciate. And even if she doesn't appreciate R, she trusts and love her wife, so she lets her do her thing. But she is always somewhere looking at you with a stern face, waiting for the moment you would make a mistake to step-in. But you never really make a mistake, always following Nat's orders at the perfection, which is kinda frustrating because then she has no reason to get rid of you. Except if one day R's misunderstood one of Nat's orders, which lead to a heavy situation <3 It's honestly the only situation I imagine leading to an argument between Maria & Nat. Like, maybe you hurt someone or stole something or idk, thinking you did good, and they would be proud, but when you come in the room they're just looking at you with that shocked face. But you did what you had to, no? That's exactly what you were asked to do, so why are they angry? AND IMAGINE THE ANGST FROM NOW. R's confusion, Nat' desesperatly trying to find a solution, trying to convince Maria that it was just a mistake (that was her fault because she is the one that wasn't careful with her words) but she doesn't change her mind. Pulling the "what if it happens again?" and "I am your superior, you don't get to discuss my order" cards, knowing that it would pain Nat', but she has to do it in order to keep her safe. Bonus point if Nat turns to Fury, trying to convince him as she knows her wife won't change her mind, but he doesn't say much, just agreeing with her agent, mumbling a simple "sorry" Nat doesn't want to hear. Obviously, it would eventually

AND (because there is more), I also can't stop thinking about that comment from @light-me-on-pyre ;

Like, I can easily imagine R hating Nat'. It would make so much sense because she grew up in a place where Nat' was pictured as the enemy, the one that betrayed "the ones that gave everything to her". But it wouldn't be the exact reason why R is hating Nat'. I mean, right, she hates her because she left, but mainly because of the consequences it had for the ones that came after - the worsened conditions, the mind control, etc - and how she succeed what's supposed to be impossible: leaving the Red Room. Not only physically, but mentally. Imagine R seeing Nat' on the news when she is on a mission or seeing her interacting with Maria/the Avengers, witnessing Nat' being happy. It's something she was told she doesn't deserve/will never have from a young age, so why would Nat' have the right to be happy when so many didn't? It was so much easier to hate on Nat' than on Dreykov all these years because she wasn't here, and no one would blame her to do so. But now? It's easier to continue hating Nat', for R to convince herself that the redhead is bad despite the appearances because it's easier than admitting that her whole life is a lie (kinda). And the fact that Nat' has to take the "bad guy" role in order to help R only makes things easier because, in the end, she is not different from the others, right? And so, as Nat' can't provide R the comfort she needs, it's all on Maria (at least for the beginning) who doesn't have a choice. But we all know that despite her cold demeanour, she is all soft, she is just scared for the ones she loves <3 Which includes Nat', because she saw how her wife is affected by your arrival. First, she has nightmares again because, with you, inevitably came back old memories and traumas. Then, Maria can see how her wife is so invested in your case that she barely sleep/eat/ (which is one of the reasons why she doesn't really appreciate R ...). But also, what would happen if they can't save you?

Bonus point if things get better but something happen, and everything get worse again, throwing away all these months of progress. But what if they don't have the patience to start all over again?

It's definitely (one of) my favorite trope because the amount of angst/comfort it holds is insane, and I am going crazy about it (you can tell by the lenght of that post that was supposed to be a few lines ...). Do I want to write something like that when I already have too many WIPs? Yes. Will I do it? I don't know, but I'll definitely be thinking about it 24/24 & 7/7.

[kingofpopmj]

Conscious Decision

Part 5

February 28th, 1984

~flashback chapter~

The Hayvenhurst estate held many of my most precious memories. When I arrived last night I couldn’t wait to explore, but the once weekly family dinner and game night took precedence. It was one of my favorite traditions. As we grew up, it was rare to be together, all in the same place, so when we were everything else seemed insignificant.

I sat in front of the vanity mirror as Karen applied shimmering eyeshadow across my eyelids. The impact of tonight’s event— tonight’s importance— was lingering in the air, but no one dared speak of it. The thin silk robe concealing my body started to feel like a suit of armor. My mind was all over the place stripping me of my common sense. I couldn’t sit still. It was difficult to decipher— was I excited or petrified?

“Sweetie, how is it that you’re more nervous than Michael?”

“Sorry.” I mumbled.

“Can you keep a secret?”

“Of course.”

“I’m nervous too.” She whispered covering her mouth to muffle her laughter.

“He’s going to win. I can feel it.”

“Are you excited about accompanying him? He hasn’t shut up about it.”

“Of course I am.”

“Good. He loves when you’re in attendance. He’s his best self when he has you.”

“Me too.” I smiled.

Karen put the finishing touches on my face before yanking me out of the chair by my shoulders.

“It’s time to get you in that dress.”

I stepped behind the partition admiring the dress laid out in front of me. The soft pearl colored fabric acted as a canvas elevating the sparkle of the intricate beading. It’s the most beautiful piece of clothing I’ve ever owned. It’s not something I’d usually wear and for that I have Katherine to thank. She accompanied me as I tried on dress after dress with no luck. Finally, she discovered this dress- THE dress, emphasizing how beautifully it would match Michael’s signature glove.

As I stepped into the dress, carefully pulling it up over my legs, I couldn’t ignore the butterflies erupting in my belly demanding attention. The heightened speed of my heartbeat causing my chest to vibrate.

“Are you all good in there?” I heard Karen ask and the task of answering her felt impossible. I wasn’t breathing.

“Kar—” My hands flew up to my chest as I tried to regain control over my body. In an instant Karen was by my side. She adjusted my dress securing the zipper before guiding me over to the window. She propped it open and placed me in front of it rubbing small circles in my back. Soon, I felt the crushing feeling in my chest diminish and the flutter in my belly cease.

“There you go. Just breathe.” She cooed.

“I don’t know where that came from. Thank you.”

“You’re nervous.” She stated moving the hair out of my face. “Michael is going to fall to his knees when he sees you. I can’t wait.”

“It feels like more than nerves. It feels like—”

“Love.” She interjected.

We shared a calm moment as I tried to read the look on her face. There was no trace of judgement or scrutiny. She wasn’t fishing for an answer. She didn’t need one. She already knew.

“Please, don’t tell Michael.” Karen’s eyes softened.

“Sweetie, Michael—”

“Oh my goodness! Bunny! You look so beautiful!” Latoya’s voice squeaked from the doorway.

“Thank you, bunny, so do you.” I hugged Latoya, she never let go of our childhood nicknames, I found it endearing. I quickly pushed aside the uneasy feeling nagging at my conscience. When we stepped away from each other she reached over interlocking our pinkies.

“I’ve missed you so much.” She pouted, her eyes glistening.

“I’ve missed you! Now, stop that. You’re going to make me cry.” We grew up together, so leaving to attend school out of state was the hardest decision I ever made.

“I’m going to go check on the man of the hour.” Karen smiled, locking eyes with me, she brought her index finger to her lips signaling she would keep my secret.

“Let’s go show my mom!” Latoya practically dragged me down the hall to Katherine���s room. As we passed Michael’s room, I let out a huff at the sight of his shut door. I couldn’t wait any longer to see him.

“Mama! Look at Y/N!”

“Oh my girls!” Katherine grinned from ear to ear. Her joy was contagious. “You both look lovely.”

“You look flawless Mama Kay.”

She gave us a twirl showing off her outfit. We laughed, chatting about how excited we were for this evening. My arm linked with Latoya’s as I thought about all the other moments we shared. They were my favorite people. My chosen family. A loud voice echoed through the long halls requesting everyone downstairs for pictures.

The three of us moved towards the voice continuing the conversation along the way. Standing at the top of the staircase, my eyes quickly spotted Michael, he was leaning against the wall at the bottom of the steps. The crystal covered blue and gold military jacket hanging from his broad shoulders, the fitted black slacks, he looked stunning. The bright glow of his socks and glove matched my dress exquisitely. When Michael looked up, a smile naturally appeared on my face as we admired one another. He pushed himself off the wall standing up straight feverishly fixing his already perfect hair. He slowly removed his sunglasses to reveal his beautiful eyes more captivating than ever.

“Michael’s gonna need medical attention.” I heard Latoya mumble teasingly.

Michael sped up the stairs skipping a few steps with long strides. In a blink of an eye he was standing in front of me. I giggled at his enthusiasm.

“Y/N, you’re so beautiful.”

“No.” I wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. “You’re beautiful.”

Michael placed his hand on the small of my back helping me down the stairs. I felt his gaze on me as we descended the staircase. I nearly forgot how exhilarating being in his presence was.

“There they are!” I heard Janet’s voice yell. “Look at you two. It’s like prom all over again.”

Michael laughed uncomfortably, I looked over at him with a questioning look which he brushed off. Everyone was already in position taking pictures on the lawn. I connected our hands, pulling Michael with me towards where everyone was waiting.

“Wait. Wait.” Michael spoke.

“What’s wrong?”

“You look breathtaking.”

“Thank—”

“I have another date.” He interrupted me avoiding my eyes.

“I’m not following.” My voice coming out as a whisper.

“DiLeo— remember Frank- you know him—my manager—well he—I didn’t want to— he— Frank—”

“Michael. Just say it.”

“Brooke Shields.”

“What about her?”

“Frank set up for her to be my date, so she’ll meet me at Shrine Auditorium for the red carpet.”

“Oh.” It was all I could manage to get out. In this moment, I couldn’t form a coherent thought let alone say actual words.

“I fought him on it for weeks. I thought he dropped it. I swear I had no idea.” I felt his hand rest on my shoulder. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s— it’s no big deal.” I smiled back at him fighting hard to hide any trace of pain.

“I feel terrible.”

“It makes sense that he’d want your date to be someone in the business as well. I get it. You should have another celebrity on your arm. Not some nobody.” I forced a laugh to try to make this situation a little less awkward.

“You aren’t a nobody to me.”

“It’s okay, Mickey. We should join everyone.” I couldn’t bring myself to stand there with him any longer. The look of pity on his face making me feel smaller than ever. I didn’t wait for his response as I turned around walking over to join the crowd. Michael’s presence by my side, comforting and painful all at once, I couldn’t bring myself to acknowledge it or look at him just yet. I needed to compose myself first. I have no right being hurt by this. I’m here, as a friend, to support him. I’m his friend. I’ll always be his friend— just his friend.

“Y/N, Y/N, Y/N...” Jermaine’s voice echoed through the courtyard. “When are you going to stop playing hard to get and go on a date with me?”

“Hi Jermaine.” I smiled uncomfortably wrapping my arms around myself. I looked between the two Jackson boys’ knowing the tension amongst them was at an all time high.

“You get more beautiful every time I see you. Doesn’t she Mike?” He teased, nudging Michael’s arm with force making him loose his balance.

“She does.” Michael shot back through clenched teeth, regaining his footing and crossing his arms.

“You know I just can’t resist you. Come on.” Jermaine flirtatiously winked, reaching out in attempt to pull me into an unwanted embrace, a move he forced on me and only me. Michael’s arm shot up crashing into his brother’s chest. “Woah, little brother your jealousy is showing. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. She’s not your girl. She’ll never be your girl. She’s fair game.”

“Shut up Jermaine!” Michael shouted. By this time the commotion caught the attention of the rest of the family.

“Hey! What’s going on here?” Katherine yelled, but it was too late.

Jermaine leaned in, inches away from Michael’s face before he lowly said, “Look at her. You think I’m the only man paying her any attention? Men. Not little boys like you. Look at that figure. She’s the sweetest piece of—”

“Don’t talk about her like that!”

Michael’s glittered glove flew through the air colliding with his brothers’ jaw. As the fight progressed, the brothers ended up tussling on the grass. Nasty insults could be heard for miles the way they were screaming. They were tugging at each other with such hatred- such anger. In the worst way, it forced me to see firsthand just how ugly their relationship had become. I’ve never seen Michael fight like this, so I was shocked that he was holding his own. Each hit delivered with such force I could hear the impact. Nothing I shouted slowed the momentum and my attempts to break it up failed miserably. Finally, Randy, Marlon and Tito ran over and began yanking their brothers apart. It felt like hours, but I knew only seconds had passed. Even with that, I was certain a significant amount of damage had been inflicted— irreversible damage.

“Stop it! Now! Right now!” Katherine rushed over standing over her boys as the fight carried on.

Once they were separated from one another I bolted forward checking on Michael. His eyes unrecognizable to me. I could feel his anger- it broke my heart. He was out of breath, vigorously trying to break free of Tito’s grip. I’ve never seen him like this.

“Relax!” Tito yelled. “It’s over.”

“He started it!” Michael shouted trying to hurl himself at Jermaine again. I positioned myself in front of him trying to calm him down while discretely inspecting his face for any injuries.

“I do not care!” Katherine’s voice could cut through glass. “This never happens again! Do you understand?”

“He’s pathetic! It’s not my fault he can’t man up!”

“Jermaine Jackson!” The argument between Katherine and her son was just beginning.

“Little lover boy! You’re pitiful! You ain’t nothing! You’ll never be man enough—”

“Enough!” Katherine stood in Jermaine’s face. “So help me I’m not above smacking sense into you!”

I felt Michael shudder with each insult his big brother threw at him. I knew each one would linger in the back of his mind for years to come. That’s how Michael is. Good or bad. He never forgets.

“I got him.” I told Tito and Marlon as they released Michael’s arms with caution. His head hanging low, I knew he needed to be as far away from this scene as possible— and fast. I held his hand draping it across my shoulders as I led him inside. I didn’t say a word. I knew all he needed in this instance was to feel my presence, so that’s what I gave him.

As we walked towards the house we passed Latoya, Janet and Rebbie. They wore similar faces a mixture of sadness and fear. I can’t imagine how painful it was for them to watch their brothers fight like that. I drew my focus back to Michael. The gold sash of his jacket had been torn off and was now hanging down against his leg. His black slacks were covered in dirt and grass.

Once we entered the house Michael tugged at my waist until my cheek met his chest, he hugged me firmly resting his chin on the top of my head.

“I’m really sorry things got out of control. I appreciate you standing up for me.” I spoke into his chest.

“Always.”

“We need to get you cleaned up.”

“Just let me hold you a little longer please.”

Michael stubborn as ever waited until the last twenty minutes to clean himself up. I worked on sewing the sash back to his jacket while Karen touched up his makeup. Thankfully, he had an extra pair of pants so we didn’t have to stress about that.

As I focused on my task I felt Michael’s eyes on me once again. He suddenly took my hand into his leaving a gentle kiss on my palm.

“How’s it looking doctor?” He grinned.

“Good as new.”

“I’m lucky my best friend is a future surgeon or else I’d have no one to patch me up.”

“That’s my only hope in life— to be your personal seamstress.”

We laughed together. The heaviness of the earlier incident fading away. He was happy again. All I wanted was for him to be happy. He deserved it. He deserves the best.

“Can you give me a moment?” Michael lowly requested, he held my wrist tightly, as Karen left the room. Once we were alone his demeanor changed.

“Are you alright?” He was in his head— fidgeting and I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad.

“Do you ever think about getting married?”

Taken aback by the sudden change of topic. My mind drew a blank, not that he gave me a chance to respond.

“I dream about it.” His voice drifting off as he fiddled with the lens of his sunglasses.

“Me too. I think everyone does.”

“Who do you want to marry?”

“I—”

“I think it’d be us.”

“Us?”

“Yes, don’t you? I mean we already had a wedding. We’d just have to sign a few things this time around to make it official.” Michael howled hysterically, tumbling to the ground taking his chair down with him.

“Ha-ha-ha you’re hilarious.”

“Janet made you a crown out of popsicle sticks and flowers.” He added between laughs. Michael rolled around, fighting to catch his breath, his bejeweled outfit sparkling like a disco ball. Adorable and handsome all at once.

“Let’s talk about what you wore.” He pushed himself off the ground and tackled me.“Katherine’s powder blue pant suit!” My yell was muffled by his hand.

“Don’t you dare!”

“You started it!”

Michael stayed on top of me as he slowly removed his hand from my mouth. His hands planted on each side of my head. Lowering himself to his elbows without a word- without hesitation. Michael’s gaze was intense and steady. He was confident. I could feel it.

My hands gravitating to his chest, gripping onto the beaded fabric of his jacket, matching his stare. The space between us shrinking by the second.

“I love you.” Michael’s cool breath tickled my lips.

“I love you.”

His ungloved thumb dragged slowly across my bottom lip, his eyes flickering between love and lust.

My eyelids fell shut feeling overwhelmingly heavy as his nose brushed against mine.

“Michael? Oh, Y/N, there you are…” Janet’s voice cutting through the tension in the room. “It’s time to head out.” She obnoxiously covered her eyes with her hand adding to the embarrassment.

“We’re coming.” Michael stood up, holding his hand out to help me off the ground.

“Thanks.” I mumbled.

“You guys are finally together!” She cheered, sprinting over and pulling us into a tight hug.

“Janet!” Michael scolded. “No— not—”

“What? Are you forgetting the position I found you two in?”

“Janet.”

“Michael.”

“Janet! You’re annoying.”

“Michael! You’re stupid.”

I stood in the center of the siblings as they bickered back and forth. Unsure of what to do with myself, I stood silently, plastering a fake smile on my face for the second time today. I’d be lying if I said Michael’s quick response to his sister’s questioning didn’t hurt, but I guess he is right.

We’re friends.

We aren’t together.

We aren’t anything.

We arrived at Shrine Auditorium, exiting the limo, before Katherine and Joe pulled us all into a huddle. It’s tradition, to pray when we are faced with blessings, we must thank god for the life he’s given us.

After, everyone hugged Michael, wishing him luck, this was the moment we went our own ways. Michael had to walk red carpet, with numerous cameras and people screaming his name. While his family and I walked around the chaos, entering the venue in a not so star-studded fashion.

Michael hugged me, I wrapped my arms around his waist— tight. Out of all the times we’ve shared an embrace, this was the only time I felt afraid. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to take it in— his warmth— the scent of his cologne- the security I felt being in his arms— the love that made my heart feel full.

“I want to bring you with me. I don’t want to do it alone.”

“You’re not alone. We’re all here. We will be just a few rows behind you.”

“I know. I just- I should have you with me. That’s how I always pictured it.”

“Me too.” I turned my head, leaving a quick kiss on his cheek. “I love you. You’re going to take home every award. I know it.”

“I love you.”

“I left some lipstick on you.” I giggled, reaching over to clean it off, but Michael stopped me with a sweet smile.

“Leave it. It’ll be like you’re with me. It might be the only thing that can get me through all of this.”

A tall man with a clipboard stood near us, clearing his throat, with a brief apology for interrupting us he informed Michael he needed to follow him.

Michael didn’t say a word as he hugged me one last time.

“Good luck.” My last words to him before we went our separate ways. I watched Michael saunter off, worriedly looking back as if I was going to vanish forever.

I felt it too. We’ve parted ways many times over the years, but there was something different about this time. It somehow felt like the end. End of what- I wasn’t sure.

Michael and I shared one last look, with a smile on his face, he placed his hand over his heart, I did the same. We didn’t need words to understand one another. We knew exactly what the other was thinking.

I love you.

And the Grammy goes to…

Michael Jackson!

I watched from afar as Michael walked up the steps of the stage. His sunglasses hid his eyes adding to the mysterious persona. The smile on his face was controlled as he softly spoke into microphone. The mix of timidness and excitement evident in his voice. I couldn’t put my finger on it at first- the feeling in the air. The happy celebration overshadowing it- the impending metamorphosis.

The first Grammy of the night for my favorite guy. He walked off the stage, so lost in his achievement that he forgot the award on the podium. He’s still Michael- kind, genuine and selfless.

Michael Jackson!

Michael Jackson!

Michael Jackson!

Michael Jackson!

Michael Jackson!

Michael Jackson!

“I made a deal with myself that if I won one more award— which is this award— which is seven— which is a record. I would take off my glasses.” The roar from the crowd echoed through the auditorium. Michael smirked enjoying the reaction. “Now, I don’t want to take them off really—” he’s cut off with even louder shrieks. They were loosing their mind over him— all he had to do was stand there and look pretty— which came natural for him. It always did.

“Okay, well, Catherine Hepburn, who is a dear friend of mine, she told me I should and I’m doing it for her okay?”

“And the girls— the girls in the back.” He pointed up at the balcony, removing his glasses, confidently blowing kisses paired with his bright smile.

“Goodness, they sound like they want to eat him alive.” Joe chuckled.

Michael Jackson!

Eight.

Michael won eight Grammy Awards. He set a record.

We all waited off to the side, watching Michael give interviews and take pictures with his awards. The smile on his face alone should win a Grammy.

“He’s making history like it’s nothing— knocking down every obstacle— every barrier they try to put in his path. He does it with such grace. They wouldn’t give him a spot— a chance, so he created his own league.” Janet gushed, resting her head against mine.

“He really is. It’s incredible.”

“I’m glad he has you. You’ve always been it for him.”

“We aren’t— it’s confusing.” I said sadly.

“You are his and he is yours. There’s nothing confusing about that.”

I didn’t get the opportunity to respond, since Janet shoved me forward, bumping into Michael who stood ready to catch me.

“I want to take a picture with you.”

The palm of my hand tickled as Michael interlocked our fingers. He pulled me along with him across the smooth red carpet. The material of his glove, soft as could be against my skin, made me yearn for his touch- one without material keeping us apart.

“Here. Hold this one!” Michael handed me one of his awards, the words ‘Album of the Year’ engraved in it. “You inspired me to write ‘Lady in my Life,’ everything you make me feel is in that song. I fought tooth and nail for it to be on the album, if it wasn’t for that song— I don’t know that I would’ve won lucky number eight.”

“Michael—”

“You don’t have to say anything— not now anyway. Just smile.” He squeezed my hand and endless blinding flashes begun. After a few seconds I turned to look at Michael, only to find him already looking back at me.

“The way I feel about you, Michael, it’s unlike anything I’ve felt or will ever feel— for anyone else.” I whispered in his ear, trying to ignore the shiver I felt travel through my body. He took off his sunglasses, tightening his grip on my hand as he pulled be behind the curtain, away from all the vigilant onlookers.

“What do you mean?”

“What do you mean?” I quickly repeated his question to avoid having to answer first.

“We’re friends. We’re best friends.” He said slowly mostly to himself than to me.

“Michael, what’s going on?”

“I— I don’t— I’m not sure. I don’t know what to say.”

We stood there staring at each other with so many unanswered questions. Maybe he’ll never tell me- or maybe he doesn’t feel the way I do. I fixed my gaze to the floor as it became too painful to look into his eyes.

“Y/N?”

“Michael, you don’t have anything to say to me?”

“I am— it’s you know— my heart-“ he took a deep breath, aggressively wiping his hands on his slacks, before shaking his head and looking away from me. “No. I don’t have anything to say.”

“The marriage stuff earlier, caressing my lips, the song inspiration comment, was it a lie— a joke or—” I paused when I saw his sisters skipping over to us from over his shoulder. “It’s fine. We can just make some stupid pact to get married if we’re still single by thirty.” I laughed uncomfortably. “It’s no big deal.”

“What’s no big deal?” Latoya asked.

“Nothing.” I smiled, greeting them happily.

“The air is tense over here.” Rebbie said waving her hands in the air.

“What did you do?” Janet spoke up pinching her brother over and over again.

“Ow. Stop, nothing! I didn’t do anything!”

“Y/N, what did our idiot brother do?” Latoya inquired, crossing her arms.

“Nothing. He didn’t do anything. It’s nothing. It will always be nothing.”

They visibly perked up as I trailed off in the middle of my last sentence. A chorus of “oooo’s” replacing the tension in the air.

“Michael...” Janet uttered sadly. “Just tell her. The way you tell us—”

“Janet, get off my back.”

“Oh, he’s mad.” Latoya held back a laugh.

“Security!” Rebbie added making them both burst out laughing.

“It’s okay. Everything is fine.” I interrupted.

“Mom wants all us siblings for a picture. You know how she is.” Janet said changing the subject. Finally.

The five of is began walking over to where the rest of the Jackson’s stood. Rebbie and Latoya were still laughing about god knows what. Even though I wasn’t in the mood to laugh I still loved listening in on their craziness.

��You’re going to lose her.” I heard Janet say to her brother. Michael and Janet followed a few steps behind, even with their hushed voices I could still hear parts of their conversation. “You can’t mess with a woman’s heart.” She added.

Maybe it’s best that I let Michael go. Let go of the ‘what if.’ He’ll always be my best friend. Maybe it’s time to move on. As I got lost in thought, I knew I could go through the motions of a relationship. I could be with someone, have someone, but they’d never have me— not the way Michael did— not the way he does.

Michael will always have my heart. He doesn’t have just a piece of me, he has all of me, he always will.

“I would never mess with her heart. You know how I feel about her.” The desperation in Michael’s voice clear, causing my heart to ache, and just like that I came to a realization.

I don’t want to move on. I don’t need to move on. All I need to do is be patient for a little longer. Michael isn’t ready to tell me how he feels, but he shows me how he feels in every other way. He knows he loves me, he knows he wants to be with me and for right now that’s enough.

That’s enough for me.

Michael is worth the wait..

And I’ll wait for him as long as it takes.

Flashback chapter: ✅

I hope you enjoy this chapter! It was super fun to write.

I loved including Michael’s family.

Also, no shade to Jermaine, it just had to happen.

[fairytypingg]

fuck it we're doing this

RAGEON HCS!!!!!

Velvet;

19

leo(i think thats what i am, idk a lot abt astrology)

7 minutes older and takes it way too seriously

overplans for everything

screams cries crumbles if she doesn't have 100% control over any situation

plays a lot into appearances but is actually a chronic workaholic(gets it from her uncle)

she and veneer were raaised by their uncle actually!!

velvet has a love hate relationship with the music industry, before and after the events of the movie

TRUST. ISSUES.

cannot ever talk about her feelings she'll explode

bottles everything up like im so serious

"i'll keep all my emotions right here. and then one day, i'll die."

she vents frustration by talking mad shit in cs:go lobbies

she's really good at the game

scary good aim because of it, and that DOES transfer to real life

has 97 mental illnesses and is banned from most public spaces/ref

"i inhereted severe generational trauma and all i got was borderline personality disorder"

someone help her

she needs therapy

also autistic <3

Veneer;

19

also a leo

7 minutes younger but only remembers bcs velvet will not let him forget

he seems chill in comparison because velvet is so high strung but he is the most dramatic bitch ever

says really out of pocket shit without thinking

"yeah that's why your parents dont call you then haha- what why are you looking at me like that what did i say"

he's the epitome of unmedicated adhd

probably needs glasses

the only one of the twins with a drivers license

was very outgoing growing up because velvet hated talking to people, so someone had to do it

doesn't rly understand velvet being depressed and thinks shes a drama queen like him

"im tragically doomed by the narrative" "drink water dumbass"

hes morosexual

"if a man can locate mount rageous on a map that man is not my type"

dumb fucking ass

love him, hes just kinda stupid.

Kid Ritz:

20

idk any other zodiac signs use ur imagination

every personality disorder you can think of

emotional manipulation is a sport and he is bringing home the gold

whats wrong with him

the answer is mommy issues. and rampant childhood neglect. also when you're raised as rich as he was you're gonna come out weird

struggled to understand the concept of lying as a child so when be finally got it he retaliated by lying for sport and then never stopped doing that

prefers machines to people

hes one of those "there is a minimum iq requirement to talk to me" guys

not just a talk show host!!

he's well trained to take over his father's political position when the old man retires

current director of public security

he's known as a purveyor of gossip for a reason

the saying goes that nothing happens in the city without his knowledge

hyperintelligent

like genius iq, reading at a college level by age 5, etc

actual child prodigy in every conceivable way

notorious for being "perfect"

he's the face of Ritzworth Media Corp for a reason

evil genius

also lonely

his father is grossly neglectful and his mother is a deadbeat

did i mention he has mommy issues

never met his mom and has devoted a lot of his energy to forming an intelligence network dedicated to finding her

hates people

like very antisocial

struggles HEAVILY with empathy

his interviews are notoriously difficult since he entertains himself by making his interviewees squirm

casual sadist in every conceivable way

What's Wrong With Him/aff

Orchid;

18

use ur imagination again im not gonna look it up

rebelling against common characterization here stay with me

secretive about her past but obviously hiding something

a chameleon type of person, can change her behavior, mannerisms, and even accent at the drop of a hat

carries a deep grief with her

distrusting and calculating

she'll "befriend" you but it takes a lot of effort to actually gain her trust

she WILL discard you if she's even slightly suspicious

nobody is sure what her goal is, but she has an agenda

orchid might not be her real name either

very mysterious

generally presents as kind and friendly but it's noticibly fake

cannot stress how much she is hiding something

capable of murder and not afraid to resort to such to protect her secret

dont look in her closet

she has participated in her fair share of underage drinking and can hold her liquor pretty well, but if you manage to get her drunk enough you may be able to pry some answers out of her

has a distaste for celebrities she doesn't see as beneficial to know

gives like. really good advice

identity issues <3

the song Phony is perfect for her

she moves as if she's used to her hair being longer than it is

what is she hiding?

[explosionshark]

my favorite Miorine thing is that she's so laser focused on suletta to an almost comical degree. prospera reveals that she wants to ruin delling's life (like, her dad, who is dying at the hospital) and miorine goes "ok but leave suletta out of this!". near the end prospera goes on a tirade about eri and miorine, pissed out of her mind, says "you have another daugher! suletta, remember??". i love her.

LIKE. YEAH.

I think the show does a really good job acknowledging that 1) Suletta and Miorine both have REALLY different methods of parsing their emotions and expressing themselves and 2) holy shit they're fucking IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER FOR REAL

You really cannot meaningfully analyze these characters and the decisions they make and the way they relate to each other without keeping their toxic relationships with their parents in mind. There's SO much projection going on - Miorine project herself onto Suletta and Suletta projects her mother onto Miorine.

When we meet Miorine she's isolated and miserable and her only concern is to spite her father and secure her own future. She feels at once dismissed by Delling and also oppressed and controlled by him. Suletta and, subsequently, Earth House are the only real connections she's made with other people. It doesn't take very long for her priorities to shift from getting herself away from her father to providing for her groom and gund-arm.

By late S1 she's undergone this massive shift - she's in charge of a project she chose, working with people she cares about. She's got two things she never had before: autonomy and support.

When Miorine hurts Suletta's feelings by trying to take greenhouse duties away from her, by endorsing her spending time with Elan, she is trying to give Suletta the most important thing she can think to give: autonomy. Freedom to choose how she spends her time and with who. It's a great conflict because it's such a revealing miscommunication. By projecting her own feelings and trauma onto Suletta, Miorine misses what Suletta actually needs. And it beautifully foreshadows the conflict in s2.

Bc the turn in s2 is that Miorine needs to reconcile the version of Suletta that she has come to know and care so much about with the Suletta she was confronted with at plant Quetta. Correctly, Miorine identifies that Suletta is being manipulated and controlled by Prospera. But she takes it further - she overlays her own parental trauma onto Suletta. Miorine sees herself and her father in Prospera's control over Suletta. Worse even: to her father, Miorine was a chess piece in reserve. But Prospera isn't holding Suletta back from anything to preserve her though: she's putting her on the front lines. She's using her as a weapon. And Suletta lacks the perspective to see it.

Suletta is, it seems, incapable of conflict. She can't stick up for herself. We see this all the time but especially in the whole lunch fiasco when she decides everyone hates her because she's too sad to ask for food. Miorine, on the other hand, actually has an easier time expressing conflict and disapproval than she does vulnerability. Calling out Prospera for the way she dominates Suletta makes perfect sense because Miorine has been calling her own dad out for the same things pretty much her whole life.

So, ultimately, Miorine deciding that she has the moral right and authority to make decisions on Suletta's behalf is a great piece of character work. The thing she spent her whole life resenting her father for becomes exactly what she does to Suletta.

Suletta projecting her mother onto Miorine is definitely another part of the dynamic. Again, it's something we see most in s2. Right before the sabotaged duel, we see this moment of total cognitive dissonance in Suletta's thinking. Miorine and Prospera come to hold fully oppositional places of importance in Suletta's world. She ascribes basically an equal level of authority to them.

She loves her mom > her mom loves her > her mom would never make choices against Suletta's best interests > whatever her mom says must be right > if it hurts or if it feels wrong, it's because Suletta has to be more mature. And at the same time she loves Miorine > Miorine is smart and capable > Miorine wouldn't make a wrong decision > if she hurts Suletta, it's Suletta's own fault.

After she loses to Guel, Suletta copes by blaming me herself. She doesn't know how to be angry at someone she loves, but she does know how to feel shame for not being good enough. She wasn't the victim of a cruel betrayal, because her love for Miorine means she CANNOT be capable of doing something that bad. It becomes instead a failure of Suletta's - if she has been better, Miorine wouldn't have abandoned her. It's her own fault for losing and for wanting more than she should have in the first place.

It's the exact kind of broken, warped thinking she applies to Prospera. And it's why Prospera is exactly right when she tells Miorine that she too could get anything she wants from Suletta.

This is why I love the reunion so much. It's so explicitly about owning your own actions and allowing the person you love the space and freedom to decide how to respond. Suletta extends her hand. Miorine decides to meet her there.

Suletta chooses to risk herself in the Calibarn. Miorine alone respects her choice enough to raise the permet score, even if she breaks down immediately after.

Anyway wow I'm fully brainsick about these two. Sorry for that long ass rambling reply but oh my god I'm in a chokehold atm

[libra-stellium]

Here's my elaborate reason (aka birth chart analysis) why I think Evan "Buck" Buckley's birthday is June 16, 1992 9:57pm in Harrisburg PA lmfao

(The timeline in the show is weird but it is what it is lol)

Going off profection years I think Buck is a Capricorn rising

If he met up again with Maddie at 26-27 that would be his 3H-4H year

If it had been 3 years since she stopped responding to letters he would have been around 23-24 when he left his fam and started traveling the world

Capricorn risings have Sagittarius as their 12H so I think it’s very fitting that while he was 23 he isolated himself through his international travels to figure himself out and by the time he reached 26 he had gone through his 2H year at 25 to realize he wanted to be a firefighter as a job and goes through training and joins the 118 around his 2H/3H year and is 26/27. He’s already past his probation year by the time Maddie shows up so he’s most likely 27 and that’s when he gets hit with all his family troubles which is very 4H and Capricorn rising means Aries 4H ruled by mars and his home life was very turbulent and its cannon that he hurt himself a lot throughout his entire childhood to get his parents’ attention and then when he’s in his 4H year he deals with his sister’s DV situation so like it fits ??

Capricorn rising also means that he’s ruled by saturn and we know that means no one is harder on themselves than a Capricorn! Any little mistake that another person would let roll off their back he suddenly thinks it's the worst thing a human has ever done when he does it.

And anger is a big thing for him in the sense that he doesn’t feel comfortable being angry bc he hasn’t fully worked through the anger that he feels toward his family bc he thinks it’s misplaced but everyone else can tell it’s justified! Saturn also rules over bones and he was literally born for his bone marrow to be used to save his brother. That’s a major part of his identity (1H)!

I also think that Buck has a Capricorn moon which Oliver does too and I think that may be why he’s so attuned to playing Buck bc he understands Buck on a deep emotional level! (The capricorn moon stuff I'm going to talk about are for Buck not Oliver bc idk that man's life so yeah)

Capricorn moons can have a strained relationship with their mother because they didn't build a secure attachment in childhood and that could be for whatever reason or whatever the mother was going through at the time and we know that Buck's brother Daniel was sick and eventually passed when Buck was younger so his mom was grieving the loss of a child with the added layer that her other son that she had to help Daniel is still around and Daniel is not. Also bc the mom was emotionally unavailable capricorn moons didn't learn how to process their emotions, were told or it was understood in context that their emotions didn't matter so they suppress their emotions!! They have so many emotions but bc they don't feel like they're allowed to have them they get so mean to themselves for just having emotions! Like after Buck goes off on his parents and the next thing he does is get on himself about how he's right back to his younger self not able to control his emotions when his reaction was definitely appropriate and honestly he probably should've said more! They can also have this attitude that things are supposed to be hard and painful bc that's where they're comfortable so when things are going a little too well they can self sabotage especially relationships! Like when Buck was with Taylor and he cheated on her like that seemed so random on the outside looking in but he was probably feeling too comfortable with Taylor! This idea that pain is normal and "that's just how it is" for them can lead to them taking on the pain of other people as well bc they are very nurturing and understand when it comes to other people so it's pretty much like if pain is my normal then I can take this pain for them so they don't have to feel it! We can see this when he's like I should've been the one to get shot or when he decided to be the one to go up on the ladder truck or when he climbed up that construction thing idek what it's called but it was to save that guy that was stuck but he was like idc if i'm the one that gets sniped. Even the whole Daniel thing bc had that bone marrow transplant worked it would've taken Daniel's pain away. I think this is also just a manifestation of his suppressed emotions bc he feels so much and pushes it down but it's not fool proof and the erratic ones tend to be the ones that slip out every now and then. Which brings me to my next point lol

That's why I think him being a capricorn rising fits so well because if he has a capricorn moon that would have his moon in the 1H! The house of how you're perceived so people would perceive him to be very emotional which I think is how he's able to hide his deeper truer emotions most of the time bc people think that what they've seen is it! Him breaking down when Eddie was in the well?? Him being angry in the gym. That one scene of him having dinner with Bobby and Athena and he gets upset and leaves bc he found out it was Bobby blocking him. You'd be like wow this person shows all their emotions! But then you see him when he's dealing with his romantic relationships when they're ending and it's like??? Bc (putting Buddie aside) why was he low key smiling telling Eddie that him and natalia broke up?? When did that happen and why didn't he tell his best friend immediately?? Was he sad about it? He said it like oh no big deal. Like huh?? Then comparing that to when he was telling Bobby (in the same locker room) that they hadn't spoken about Tommy and at that moment he was supposed to be in a happy relationship but he looked guilty about it! That capricorn moon 1H being visibly uncomfortable when it's supposedly going well??

But moon 1H are also very in tune with how other people are feeling and how to care for them which is one of Buck's main attributes! That's why Eddie calls him to talk to Chris all the time bc "do what you always do!" And bc he cares so much about the people he loves it makes him very protective of them especially his family which I think fits the Aries 4H that capricorn risings have. You can see how he'll stop at nothing to protect his 118 family and even when he went off on his parents at that dinner wasn't it triggered by something they said about Maddie? I think so! I'm not going to check lol

Now for the sunnnnnn I think this man is a GEMINI! You know how when your friend tells you they started talking to a gemini man and you're like please say sike!! I just know all his past relationships were told NO DON'T DO IT BLOCK HIM in the group chat but they were having fun so they did it anyway and the group chat had to get them together after lol you live and you learn!

On a more serious noteee lol Buck being a gemini sun with a capricorn rising would put his sun in the 6H and that man is constantly like "I AM MY JOB" LOL "I WORK THEREFORE I AM" pls like the way he reacts when he can't go to work??? literal depression! All those jobs he had traveling? Pls that's Evan Keep-A-Job Buckley! We also know that he does care a lot about his health like he has his workout routine and I don't think it's been mentioned recently but he used to track his body fat percentage! The whole way he took his health so seriously for the sperm donor situation like he is dedicated to his health and a job! He's also a perfectionist when it comes to learning new skills like the way he was determined to become good at cooking! How many lasagnas did he make trying to get it right 3 or 5? lol Sun in the 6H is also very efficient! In that recent episode where he told Gerard that Bobby had showed him the hose loop thing ik he was seething at Gerard reducing their efficiency by making him not do the loop loll

And Buck is such a gemini bc he knows sooooo many things! Geminis love learning about everything and anything and they get so excited about it and want to tell everyone! I think that this is also why he's able to come up with random solutions at work (Gemini 6H) like spraying Eddie with perfume for the bees! That's definitely not in the firefighter training!

Bc of all of this I think this is what his chart would look like lol bc this is when the sun was in gemini with a capricorn moon and a capricorn rising and at 9:57pm the capricorn rising degree is at 16 with uranus in cacpricorn at 16 and moon in capricorn at 17 and neptune in capricorn at 18 so they're all conjunct each other in the 1H making him a 1H stellium! I think this is one of the reasons why he's always trying to figure out who he is bc neptune is also conjunct his ascendant! He doesn't know bc it changes aka Buck 1.0 to what are we at 3.0? lol also the fact that the whole reason why he was born was hidden from him for most of his life? Neptune shit!

Uranus in the 1H can show someone who is accident prone and he's literally always getting hurt! It's conjunct his moon and ascendant and we know that in his childhood and some of his adulthood he had put himself in situations where he got hurt as a way to connect with his parents or bc he couldn't regulate his emotions. It can also show an unconventional birth!! His was so unconventional his family moved to get away from people who knew and pretended like it never happened.

Neptune in 1H can also make you feel invisible and forgotten and we know that's what was happening in his childhood with his parents and it happened again when Maddie didn't answer his postcards which like she was going through it but he didn't know so i'm sure he felt forgotten! Even recently when he was trying to get Eddie's attention they literally filmed it in a way to show us that Eddie isn't even seeing him try! (SN: my theory is that now that we saw how he saved Gerard accidentally when he really meant to hurt Gerard and he admits it I don't think that he meant to hurt Eddie on the basketball court I think he was playing rough not caring about what happens to him but he didn't think far enough to realize that he COULD hurt someone else in the process bc if he meant to do it he would know).

He has pluto in the 11H which can cause some issues with friendships and his friends are basically his sister and his coworkers but they're more like his family so they barely count atp! It can also show betrayal or trauma related to friends and like the trauma is definitely there bc how many times has he been in the hospital waiting room for them?? a lot! And the whole thing with his blood thinners and Bobby not wanting him back that was betrayal when he found out it was Bobby the whole time and not the department! The whole lawsuit era where he exposed everyone's secrets basically lol very pluto! On the other hand you can tell that when he does get vulnerable or just doesn't pretend he doesn't need help they can be very supportive and loyal! Like when everyone took turns coming to check on him bc Maddie made a schedule lol pluto 11H is also very interested in learning people and they learn a lot from people in their environment and you can see that when he's on calls talking to the people they're helping like the old couple who died together in their driveway omg and when he thought he would end up alone like Red bc he does feel like a loner deep inside again pluto 11H!

His saturn in aqua 2H makes me want to know how much is in his bank account lmao I'm assuming that his fam didn't have a lot of money when he was younger bc usually if you have a kid with a chronic/terminal illness in the US your account is gonna be pretty low! And they were both teachers so like ik those checks weren't big. At first I was like hmm but they bought a new house and moved?? But like that was the 90s not the 2020s sooo you didn't have to be a millionaire to do that back then. We also see that he was living with roommates in the beginning and then in Abby's place which I'm assuming he didn't pay rent at and then the different couches he slept on to then eventually getting his own place. Saturn 2H take their finances very seriously so I know he was building up his savings as much as he could during that time bc how else was he able to buy Eddie a smart coffee maker as a joke?? Saturn 2H can also show low self esteem which we know he does struggle with and his tendency to be a people pleaser but it's square his pluto 11H and his friends/family are really good at building him back up after something happens and the way he feels is visible like when Athena was like never giving up is what it means to be Buck like omg that's so cute and when Eddie said that he's not expendable and his face after they say that looks like he doesn't fully believe them lol

Also back to profection years idk if S7 and S8 are both 2024 or like 2023/2024 and 2024 but if it's the latter then he could be 31/32 in S7 and that would be so fitting to figure out a new aspect of his sexuality during that 8H profection year at 31?? His 8H is leo ruled by the sun so his identity would be the focus! And then at 32 in the 9H profection year exploring how that new aspect of his identity changes his philosophy on life and giving parts of himself new meaning that he didn't fully understand before which he would still be doing in S8.

And for like the lightning strike in S6 they said he was 30 but it would be so fitting for him to be 29 in a 6H year?? That's a major health setback! Then later in the season he's 30 in a 7H year and meets Natalia and if the show ended like it was supposed to that was supposed to be his long term partner no?? Being with the person who just gets him?? Idk I feel crazy now so I'm gonna stop here lmfao

If you read this far you're a star! Love you <3

[mdhwrites]

Boscha: The Demon of Her Group

I mean this literally and figuratively and this isn't so much a critical post as it is just interesting character potential. See there was one point I'd left out of my blog about discrimination in TOH and how demons fuck that up was that Steve and Boscha are the only two demons who embrace demonic tendencies who are allowed to eventually be good people and have a little added depth. Even then, they both come across as half demons and are like the Faunus in RWBY where they're allowed one non-human trait but are otherwise 'normal'.

Well... That point also brings up how almost the only demon Amity interacts with for two seasons is Boscha. Because Boscha is the ONLY demon in her friend group. In fact, for demon rep at Hexide, Boscha is the ONLY one. Barkus is the closest to a second and he's just a dog. He's almost certainly a demon but it's very easy to forget that and assume he's literally just a dog while Boscha's third eye is a lot harder. That and Barkus is not exactly great rep as literally an animal.

This has REALLY interesting storytelling potential... That metatextually 99% of fans won't ever give a shit about because Boscha is figuratively the devil of Hexide to them. They place all the evil in that school *gestures at Moringmark's recent comics with Skara as an example* on Boscha. They blame all of Amity's evil as a school bully on Boscha and her mom. Boscha is seen as irredeemable to most, even post the series giving a half hearted attempt at redemption, because they see her as pure evil.

As always: Don't think people are actually factoring this element in, at least not consciously. It's just a ROUGH coincidence. Buuut one that's really interesting to examine creatively and not just analytically.

What if Boscha is mean... Because she's a demon in a witch run society? Or at least, in a friend group that prefers witches over demons. Odalia is cartoonishly evil enough to be that sort of bigot where Boscha is seen as having to earn her place next to Amity a lot more than any of Amity's other friends. Boscha might walk on eggshells around Amity more than most people because Amity already keeps her at arm's length due to her third eye.

Extend this farther: She wants to be a star to finally be recognized as an equal or even be able to properly claim superiority over those who look down on her. Her need for control over love might partially be because people didn't care about her love and kindness at an early age. They appreciated it more when she showed them how strong being a demon made her. And so she learned a way to get people to never talk about her as less than them for her blood, at least not to her face.

It might actually be part of why Boscha is the only student to mention it being weird that a HUMAN is there. What if she had harder entrance requirements? What if she was discouraged by teachers from staying because she didn't belong? There are demons in Hexide but all the best students we see? All witches. And Luz looks just like them except her round ears and no one seems to comment despite what they'll say about her eye, at least behind closed doors.

Or hey, let's embrace the Amischa stuff from For the Future: What if Odalia's words about Willow made Amity NOT be racist towards Boscha? What if she was literally only about merit back when they were friends? And so Boscha actually felt safer and more secure around Amity than anyone else. That also meant that she obsessed over Amity's toxic mindset and requirements more, leading to how she views the world because it meant keeping the witch who actually seemed to like her, especially in high society. Thus this makes her desperate to have Amity back, especially when the world has gone to shit and it feels all control she can have is lost. Control that a fellow demon in the form of Miki promises she can have.

Again: I don't think any of this is intentional but TOH says a LOT of negative things unintentionally, in part because it doesn't ever seem to know what it's trying to say or what it can't say due to its own creative choices. This is just an interesting read enabled by how fucked over pretty much every demon in the show is, especially if they actually act like anything other than a human.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

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[sophieinwonderland]

It could be satire. They could also be someone experiencing psychosis or paranoia. Honestly I think with extreme beliefs, it’s best to not engage in the event that this is a person experiencing a mental illness. Engaging will exacerbate.

Regarding DID without trauma, research suggests a propensity towards dissociation in infants when there’s attachment issues with the mother. A mother doesn’t have to be abusive for this to happen. She could very well be trying her best, but perhaps is having her own struggles, interfering with her ability to connect with her child. And then of course there are cases where the mother is absent, maybe she died during birth or shortly after, or the child was put up for adoption. Another factor is the child’s temperament and how this lack of attachment may play into it. The first few years of life, despite not being remembered, are incredibly impactful for setting the foundation for development. There are so many studies showing evidence of the importance of secure attachment in infancy, not only in humans but other species as well.

Just want to confirm for anyone still on the fence that I'm aware of who anti-lies is, and that it's absolutely satire.

On the whole, I find the attachment theory interesting.

But... I do want to note that I have skepticism of it and may need to look further into it to see what all variables have been accounted for, since correlation doesn't always equal causation.

One thing to always remember is how shark attacks increase with ice cream sales. There's a correlation there. But neither causes the other.

In this case, maybe the issue is that there are specific types of abuse that children are more likely to endure from parents if they had poor attachment to their mother.

To be clear, I'm not opposed to this theory. Just rambling off other possibilities because these are the types of things that go through my head when data is discussed.

And I think that actually could be an interesting find in itself. "Trauma" is vague. But I wonder if there have been studies categorizing different types of trauma most experienced by DID systems in childhood, and comparing those categories to singlets with c-PTSD as controls.

"DID is most often caused by trauma" is a solid start, but what if we could go further and say "DID is most often caused by traumas X, Y and Z?"

...

Yeah, sorry, rambling again..

Hmm... thinking further... I do think the poor attachment theory makes a lot of sense. Like, people theoretically develop a unified sense of self based on observing other people. It seems to use those same mechanisms, right.

But if you aren't attached to people enough, your brain may never make the connection that "I'm supposed to be one single person."

Or...

...

When my host's mom talked about her trauma, one thing I remember is that she described feeling like she had a good dad and a bad dad. That's how she coped with what was going on. And while she's not a system, from what I know, this is a pretty common way for trauma survivors to perceive their caregivers isn't it?

So maybe that's a risk factor. If your brain is perceiving caregivers as multiple people, it learns that it's normal to be multiple? And thus, the multiplicity is emulating how the child sees their caregivers.

...

Yeah, sorry, I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

Some of these posts, I have a clear plan or point I'm making.

Others, I just spit out the first thing that comes to mind.

This post is clearly the latter.

This is just a really interesting topic to me, and I like to ramble about it.

[balanchine-ballet-master]

At City Ballet, a Once-in-a-Generation Dancer Arrives

Mira Nadon, the rising New York City Ballet principal, is coming off her best season yet. And it’s only the beginning. By Gia Kourlas The New York Times May 29, 2024

Mira Nadon was 5 when she took her first ballet class. It was pre-ballet, which meant running around the studio, maybe getting a shot at fluttering like a butterfly. This was not for her.

When she found out that students began proper training at 6, Nadon laid it on the line: “I told my mom, ‘This isn’t serious,’” she said. “‘I’m just going to wait till I’m 6.’”

Even then Nadon was levelheaded and unflappable. Now, at just 23, she is a principal dancer with New York City Ballet, approaching the close of a momentous season at Lincoln Center, where her versatility, artistry and jaw-dropping abandon have made her seem like a ballerina superhero. This week, she returns to the role of Helena, the rejected young woman determined to win her lover back in George Balanchine’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” An affinity for drama is in her bones, but something else makes Nadon a rarity: humor.

Nadon, the first Asian American female principal dancer at City Ballet, is a special, once-in-a-generation kind of dancer. Nadon can flip among many sides of herself—secretive, seductive, funny, serene. And she lives on the edge, with rapid shifts from romantic elegance to ferocious force. A principal since 2023, Nadon still has raw moments, but so much is starting to click: Her feet are more precise, her partnering more secure.

This photo and the one at the top: Sabrina Santiago for The New York Times

“To watch her grow — and it’s not been very long—has been tremendous,” Wendy Whelan, the company’s associate artistic director, said. “It’s fast and big and just blossoming.”

This spring season, the close of the company’s 75th anniversary year, has been largely dedicated to newer ballets. She has danced in works by living choreographers, including Alexei Ratmansky and Pam Tanowitz, and made debuts in works by George Balanchine and Jerome Robbins. “The range has been astounding,” Whelan said. “She’s been able to hone in on the uniqueness of each of those voices. And she cares about what the intent is of each of those voices, so they’re not all the same. She doesn’t just go out and do great things. She actually carves out the idea.”

The most important debut was in “Errante” (1975), a Balanchine ballet originally called “Tzigane” after its score by Maurice Ravel. Suzanne Farrell, for whom the ballet was made, staged it and coached Nadon. “She’s such an intelligent woman and so dry and funny in the best way in the studio,” Nadon said. “She’s very, very demanding. She’s not just going to say ‘good job’ because you tried and you’re working hard. But I love that.”

The ballet opens with a five-minute solo for Nadon, whose smoldering use of her eyes and face, along with the smooth control of her body, showed a deep command of the stage as she wound her way along its mysterious violin solo. Farrell told her that the solo was a lonely experience. “I think she was excited for me to feel that onstage with the violinist,” Nadon said. Toward the end of the rehearsal process, Farrell told her that she shouldn’t move in a modern way but in a “very stylized older way,” Nadon said. “I think that’s also what makes it such a special world, that it’s unique and different from the way you approach another ballet.”

Above: Nadon in Errante. Photo: Erin Baiano via the NY Times

In Ratmansky’s “Pictures at an Exhibition,” Nadon was electric, fleshing out shapes while stretching bigger, deeper, longer—her arms are as fluid and expressive as her legs. And Nadon, at 5 foot 8 inches, has legs. Working with Ratmansky, who is City Ballet’s artist in residence, is sharpening her technique, she said, just as Tiler Peck did last season when Nadon danced in her ballet, “Concerto for Two Pianos.”

“He’s so funny," Nadon said of Ratmansky’s polite requests. “He’ll be like, ‘Do you think you could turn out the leg a little more?’ ‘Do you think you could hit fifth there?’ I’m like, ‘Yeah, I probably could.’”

This season, she performed in two of Tanowitz’s ballets: “Gustave Le Gray No. 1” and “Law of Mosaics,” which ends with Nadon dancing a solo barefoot. “She doesn’t dance at you, she draws the audience in, and that’s her power,” Tanowitz said. “It’s almost like she’s letting us in on this intimate part of herself.”

How many dancers can be understated and wild? It has much to do with how utterly at ease Nadon is onstage, which dates to her training at the Inland Pacific Ballet Academy in Montclair, Calif., where she had many opportunities to perform. “I think it was really beneficial growing up,” she said, “to not be scared onstage.” This was already apparent in 2017, when she danced the female lead in Balanchine’s “Scotch Symphony” at the School of American Ballet Workshop Performances, the annual year-end display of student talent. She was a fearless rush of power and delicacy that left audience members in disbelief. Recalling it now, Nadon laughed. “I didn’t think about it too much,” she said, “and just did the show and then everyone liked it, and I was like, Oh, I guess you’ve never seen me perform.”

Photo: Sabrina Santiago for The New York Times

Next month, Nadon will make her debut in “Diamonds,” the final section of “Jewels,” set to Tchaikovsky, at the Kennedy Center. “There’s something about the Tchaikovsky—the swells and the grandeur that you just feel in your soul,” she said. “I’m excited to live in that world and see how it feels.”

The part was made for Farrell, and dancing it speaks to Nadon’s future as an integral part of City Ballet. But getting to this point was far from a sure thing. Her father is a professor of government and her mother was a lawyer; neither knew much about ballet aside from the dramatic, dark side that is often shown in films.

When Nadon was accepted to the School of American Ballet, City Ballet’s training ground, she knew her parents weren’t going to want her to go, which would mean leaving home at a young age. She is grateful to Darci Kistler, a former City Ballet principal, who offered her a scholarship for the summer course and convinced her parents that it would be more than OK to let her go.

“Even getting my parents to agree to let me audition was a struggle,” Nadon said. “I was like, ‘I just want to see if I get in’ and they were like, ‘You’re not going to go, but you can audition just for yourself.’”

To Kistler, she said: “‘Oh—my parents aren’t going to let me, but thank you so much.’ And Darci said, ‘Can you go get your mom?’ I was, like, running through the hallways.”

It wasn’t a yes on the spot, but after some conversations, they agreed. “I’ll always be really grateful to her for putting in that extra effort,” Nadon said. “My parents still are, like, Thank God for Darci.”

Nadon’s path through the City Ballet ranks has been swift. She joined the corps de ballet in November 2018 and was promoted to soloist in 2022. Just a year later, she was named principal. “There was a lot of thought that went into—when you start pushing, giving the opportunities—making sure she was ready,” Whelan said. “We don’t want any dancer to fail. We don’t want to just throw them out there and say, let’s see what happens.”

But Nadon was ready—for all of it. “When I think of myself having the title of principal dancer, it does seem kind of crazy and foreign, but on the day to day, I’m just dancing my ballets and going out onstage,” she said with a cheerful shrug. “I guess I’ve tried not to overthink it too much because I think it could be very heavy and a lot of pressure.”

Nadon is self-aware. Her temperament, she realizes, is a blessing. She gets nervous for shows, but she’s never anxious. And she’s there to dance. “My favorite part of the job is just going out onstage and seeing what happens,” she said. “It’s almost like I’m surprised by what my body does. I’m finding out what’s going to happen at the same time as the audience.”

[hurtfortea]

AitCM Day 9

amnesia | explosion | failed escape | “I don’t feel a pulse”

Contains: vampire whumper(s), recapture, mind control, (brief) violence

-previous-

He’s almost to human territory. Just a few more nights of walking, and he’s out for good. He feels a twinge of guilt go through him at the thought. If only he could have brought Carter. Sighing, he focuses on moving, fidgeting with the money in his pocket. He’s going to need more soon. He really doesn’t want to have to risk it, though. Security is tighter this close to the border. Vampires walk around with their humans even less here.

He’s taken by surprise when a ball rolls into his line of vision. He follows its path and glances towards its source. A child- a vampire child- starts to chase after it, when its mom grabs her, holding her back.

Samson looks back at the ball, which has become lost in the foot traffic. After a moment of thought, he turns to go after it. He’s noticed that vampires tend to be rather callous towards their young. Not parents, but everyone else. They treat them like nuisances and insist parents keep them out of the way. Samson just attributes it to their general lack of compassion. He finds the ball and picks it up before turning back. Making his way back towards where the kid was, he finds the mother trying to draw the kid’s attention to something else. She’s failing, though. The kid looks close to tears. Setting the ball on the ground, Samson kicks it towards them before quickly taking his leave.

He doesn’t get far. Someone starts shouting, and he can’t help but turn back. There’s a vampire standing over the mother and daughter, holding the ball in his hands. Instantly, Samson gets the feeling this is his fault. He shouldn’t feel that way. So the kid pissed someone off with a ball. That’s her fault, that’s her mom’s fault. It’s got nothing to do with him giving the ball back to her, but…he’s making his way back through the crowd again, pulling his cap just a bit lower over his eyes now that he’s facing towards the vampires’ fronts. Hopefully his hair is covering his eyes well enough to obscure them completely. The mother is speaking to the vampire in a low voice, her expression worried. She’s gripping her daughter by the biceps, her fingers digging into her arms. Samson’s heart begins to race as he gets closer. What is he doing? What can he do for them anyway?

“H-hey,” he says, but he’s too quiet and too far away for the vampire to hear him. “Hey!” He tries again, raising his voice. The vampire stops shouting, his red eyes dragging over to Samson. Samson forces down a shiver. “What’s your problem, man? Don’t you have better things to do than cause trouble?”

The vampire’s frown deepens, his eyes narrowing. “How is this any of your business?”

“You’re causing a ruckus, disturbing my nightly walk.”

“I’m sure having a ball thrown at your face would also disturb you.” He growls.

Samson tips his head, remembering Valen’s fast reflexes. “What, you’re not fast enough to dodge a child’s throw?” He regrets the words as soon as they escape him. The vampire sends the ball spiraling towards his face, and, unlike most vampires, Samson doesn’t have super speed. It hits him directly in the face with a velocity that, frankly, shouldn’t be possible. He falls back onto his behind, hitting the ground with a thud. His cap falls off, and his nose aches when the ball falls into his lap. He takes momentarily solace in the fact that the mother and child look sympathetic.

Then they see his eyes.

The male vampire is the first to comment. “You’re human.”

Samson’s mouth is dry. “I wear contacts.” He tries.

“Liar.” He says. His eyes take on a glow, and Samson’s mind goes familiarly numb. “What the hell are you doing out here?”

“I’m going back to human territory.” Samson replies dully, monotone.

“Not anymore, you’re not.” The vampire says. “Get up and follow me. We’ll find the idiot who let you get lost in the first place.” Samson gets to his feet and walks after the vampire when he turns to go. “Consider this a warning,” the vampire hisses to the mother. “Keep your fucking kid under control.” As he walks, Samson follows at his heel, and the vampire mutters curses under his breath. He leads Samson into a building and stops in front of the front desk. The vampire behind it looks up, seeming bored.

“Good night, sir. How may I help you?”

“I found a lost human. Just came here to give it over to the proper authorities.”

The vampire behind the desk looks at Samson, his red eyes glowing. “Thank you very much, sir. Feel free to leave it with us.”

“Great.” The vampire who brought him in says. The glow from his eyes dissipates, but the numbness remains as he leaves.

“Alright, human. Show me your barcode. Let’s get you home.” The vampire behind the counter says.

-next-

[ponds-of-ink]

FNAF Security Breach: Analyzing Vanessa’s Therapy Tapes With Violet-Tinted Glasses

Or at least an attempt to, as we’ll see shortly.

My main goal for today is to show what we could learn if—emphasis on that if—William Afton was controlling Vanessa at certain points of these sessions. Both for Vanessa’s character and for William’s.

This is also assuming that someone (or something) else is controlling Patient 46 in order to avoid a conundrum.

Buckle up once again. This is going to be even wordier than last time, and a whoooole lot more in head-canon territory rather than actual theory. Below is a summary of each session with certain parts of dialogue being discussed.

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Tape 1

This is what I’m going to call “The Benchmark Tape”, as this is Vanessa at her most… Well, I say normal, but she’s still pretty irritated.

Cone to think of it, I can’t tell if her defensive tone is because of her genuinely not knowing why Fazbear’s has called her in or not. If I recall correctly, she had a similarly aggressive tone in the FNAF movie. I know that’s a very different timeline, but I can’t help but wonder…

Anyway, it turns out that this isn’t her first time here. She was actually brought in for anxiety sometime prior to—I can only assume—Glitchtrap’s antics in Help Wanted 1.

Her new issue is “sudden” and had “come up unexpectedly”, according to the therapist. I assume this is about the encrypted conversation she’s having with Glitchtrap and/or 46, but I suspect there’s something else too. Something I’ll get to in the next tape.

Vanessa does admit to talking to Luis from the marketing department. She thinks “he’s nice, I guess”. Keep that in mind for later.

Before I move on, however, there’s one thing I have to confess: I honestly thought that Vanessa’s voice went flat only a couple of times after this tape. And, thusly, it was a good indicator for when William is the one actually talking.

Turns out she’s actually deadpan for nearly the rest of the recordings.

Soo.. Yeah. That wasn’t a good strategy after all.

Thankfully, FNAF Wiki’s transcript of the CDs and @kevciaran’s William Analysis came in clutch. I’ll be combining both of their methods and using them as tools: The Wiki’s use of marking Vanny’s fainter lines, and anything that lines up with what Kev noticed in his Sister Location segment.

Anyway, onto…

Tape 3

A new therapist has replaced the old one. Vanessa, though obviously more “tired”, is aware enough to notice. The new woman, however, isn’t all that worried. According to her, all this research she’s been doing makes it feel like they’ve “known each other for weeks”!

Therapist 2 recaps on something we haven’t heard about before: her dad Bill. She double-checks on the name, but all the only answer she gets is muttering… For a second. Then we get our first response from William.

“I try to do what I’m supposed to do.” - I want to say he’s ignoring the question (as he did in Sister Location), but.. He sounds so tired, I can’t tell if it’s intentional. He might actually be just thinking out loud or—dare I imply it this soon—even deflecting for entirely different reasons? Either way, it’s.. even more ominously morose than that one Scraptrap line. Which is a feat.

Therapist 2 unwittingly agrees with “Vanessa”, then goes back on topic. She walks through the custody case, understandably badmouthing her (“her”?) dad along the way. She concludes the gentle-as-possible recap with relaying the fate of Vanessa’s mom— Which, although censored out by an audio glitch, does not bode well. What also doesn’t bode well is this sudden response:

“I was supposed to be a good girl” - Yes. The Wiki’s ‘faintly’ method implies that it’s William saying it under the guise of Vanessa. Considering that this is unprompted as well (along with the even more noticeable voice crack [and now I’m getting even more concerned for the man’s wellbeing]), I can only assume that William was having some… worrisome memories and was trying to get his thoughts out while staying in character.

Thankfully, Therapist 2 comforts Vanessa as best she can. It wasn’t Vanny’s fault, after all. Yes, she did provide the testimony that caused her mom’s apparent demise— But, again, it’s her dad that should be blamed here. Not her.

Or… “her’, if the whole custody case thing was the sudden issue that came up. Given the fact that the previous therapist didn’t bring it up at all in the Benchmark Tape, the fact that Vanessa suddenly gets all deadpan from here on out, and Patient 46’s introduction into this narrative… Call it a wild hunch from left field, but I now have my suspicions.

Tape 5

Therapist 2 confronts Vanessa about her texting a non-employee during work hours. A manipulative non-employee at that. When she asks about who this person is, Therapist 2 hears this response:

“I get a lot of messages from friends. I like when Luis writes to me, he's funny.” - William not only dodges the question (again), but he also attests to texting Luis. …That, or he’s trying to match up with how Vanessa acts again. Either way, he thinks Luis is funny— Even cracking a half-smile of sorts, which I wasn’t expecting. Make of this what you will, I guess?

Therapist 2 is having none of this. She warns Vanessa that her files are being hacked. Files with a whole bunch of details about her life on them. And what does Vanessa answer after being asked about the ramifications?

“I'm not in the tech department. I just type on the computers.” - …Yet another deadpan dodge by William. Given his prior work in both business and technology, he’s gotta know the actual answer to that.

Therapst 2 agrees with “her” again, but once again issues a word of caution: This stranger definitely knows a lot about her. And the reply?

”Lots of people know more than I do. Sometimes I need to listen.” - Okay, now we’re back to William just thinking out loud. This is pretty telling, however. It almost implies that William’s confidence has dwindled a bit since UCN… Though, again, it’s also possible that he’s trying to impersonate Vanessa for currently unknown reasons. I’m definitely not ruling that out.

Tape 7

Therapist 2 is out [blame Patient 46], and Therapist 3 is in. However, this time, neither Vanessa nor the therapist seems bothered by this. In fact, they have a very brief talk about candy before they start. Therapist 3 offers some, but “Vanessa” answers:

”No, thank you. Those have thirty-five calories a piece.” - …Well, I’m not completely sure if this is William answering here, going by the lack of indicators. However, given the fact that Vanessa apparently orders cupcake cookbooks according to a scrapped FNAF AR email (and, y’know, the fact that she later has a job that requires her to run up three floors), I’m going to assume that’s the case. This does imply that William is bizarrely health-conscious… Which makes a lot more sense when you remember that one description of him from the Silver Eyes. Guess he doesn’t want to look “fat and affable”, even as a ghost haunting someone else’s body ..

As the rest of this session concerns inkblot tests, I’m going to assume Vanessa quickly regained control here and move on. Her answers are something to note, being “a tree house” and “a beetle”. There is also ‘I like to sit outside and read’ in response to one of the questions, but this really could be either of them.

Tape 9

This session starts with Vanessa smelling some flowers that Therapist 3 has set out. They then have a one-sided conversation about gardens and hobbies, which reveals Vanessa apparently doesn’t have hobbies. Therapist 3, always being the chill kinda person, offers up her craft space in her basement as a place to do stuff. “Vanessa” refuses, saying this almost as an aside:

”I don’t like dark basements” - Given William’s history with dark and empty rooms, this one’s actually not that surprising. Dark basements, though? …I’d say this is a reference to Sistsr Location and brush this off, but that bunker had plenty of lighting. Maybe—dare I say it—we have another hint that William’s childhood was miserable??

Tape 10

This one is short, but at least it gives a hint as to what Vanessa actually looks like when haunted by William.

Case in point: Therapist 3 notes “Vanessa’s” comfy posture, even stating ‘It looks like you could take a nap’. Guess Will really likes the chair.

Therapist 3 also brings up Vanessa’s discussions with the Encrypted Individual, mentioning that it’s getting more serious. She asks if it’s distracting her from her work, which prompts this:

”My work is important. There's a non-disclosure agreement.” - There’s not only a grit of her teeth during ‘My work is important’, but there’s also a slight smugness in ‘There’s a non-disclosure agreement’. For a second, the William we’ve seen for the past ten years comes back in full force.

Key words there: For a second. As we’ll see in the next tape, things quickly become less smooth-sailing and more “oh no” inducing.

Tape 11

This session begins with Vanessa admiring the blue sky, which Therapist 3 comments on. The conversation quickly changes once Therapist 3 brings up Vanessa’s search history. Therapist 3 inquires if Vanny’s been doing private searches on company time, which leads to:

”I get breaks” - Short, sweet, to the point. Also completely dodging the question. Again.

Therapist 3 tries again, but from a different angle. She brings up the fact that Vanny is ordering some stuff to make a costume. She asks “what are you going to make?”, which gives us the return of the indistinct muttering.

Therapist 3 (with much better hearing than Therapist 2, I reckon) catches a part of what Vanessa is saying. “Did you say the costume is a secret?” she inquires in genuine confusion. “Why is that?”

“Vanessa” panics.

“I can't talk about this. He said he would always be watching. He could be here or there or anywhere in between.” - …As if I wasn’t concerned about William’s wellbeing already. Not because he sounds paranoid here, but because there’s a very high chance he’s right. Patient 46 has had a habit of being the cutting off point for the last two therapists, and Therapist 3 hasn’t been cut off yet…

Therapist 3, unfortunately, doesn’t take this as a warning. She assumes that this is about Vanessa’s dad and advises Vanny to resolve the issue. Vanessa seemingly pushes William aside and yells about “locking ‘him’ away” (most likely referring to Glitchtrap). Her voice finally breaks the deadpan threshold, only to sink back into it a few seconds later.

The tape ends with Therapist 3 and Vanessa talking about facing a memory head-on. This could be narrative foreshadowing somehow, but we’ll have to wait and see.

Side Note: I can see William saying “I have! I compartmentalized him. He's locked away.”; but Vanessa sounds like she briefly regained control there. If that’s the case, then it could be inferred that William got too scared and ‘let go’. Maybe.

Tape 12

Unfortunately, it’s time for Vanessa to go to the Pizzaplex. Therapist 3 offers to continue the sessions away from Fazbear Entertainment, but the offer is shot down by Vanessa:

“I'm needed somewhere else now. Thank you.” - Short, bittersweet, and absolutely ominous. For Vanessa, we know where she’s heading. But William? No idea. What we do know is that Vanessa definitely regained most of her control by the time Security Breach happens. So that probably means William’s haunting was only a temporary procedure. And, until we get more explanations, we’re not going to know exactly why.

(Also: It’s kinda heartwarming to imagine William thanking this therapist with a geniune half-smile. Vanny’s tone is seriously so warm, yet so tired.)

(And, by the way, Therapist 3 disappears after this tape. Somehow, Patient 46 strikes again…)

Final Notes

William, as expected, is not up for answering questions directly. Unlike in Sister Location, however, he seems to not take pleasure in this. There’s no smile in his words here, save the occasion ones that I’ve mentioned. Just a general sense of weariness.

When he does show emotion, it’s mostly just panic and/or self-loathing. He could still be trying to act as Vanessa, sure, but he did also crawl out of UCN. Maybe it broke his confidence enough that he can’t even trust himself anymore…? To the point where he’s also in danger of being manipulated? I mean, it did happen with him in Fazbear Frights epilogues…

Tangent aside, he is definitely not the same after the FNAF 6 fire. There is not a lot of bragging. There is not a lot of smiling or hinting at plans. He even mutters a few times, which is something he’s never done up to this point. He’s officially reached the same levels of brokenness his son Mike had, whether Will wants to admit this narrative irony or not.

Also, Vanessa apparently has enough trust to let him talk during the majority of these sessions. I dunno why that’d be the case, but maybe it’s just a temporary truce.

TL;DR on the whole thing: I’m very concerned for both of them, if this turns out to be true. It’s one thing to have an innocent bystander get mentally hijacked by a bizarre virus. It’s another thing entirely if the bystander and the ghost that’s haunting her are in agreement about being in absolute peril. Especially if it’s the ghost of an absolute villain whose entire livelihood once centered around making others suffer.