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#literally am gonna go through with it it's fucking time
simptasia · 3 days
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LOST: Season One
#lost#abc lost#lost one cap per ep#this was a project i was gonna do anyways but the timing worked out that i could post the first one on the 20th anniversary!#this is one cap per ep every season. from left to right. and this is important: its not a cap that sums up each ep#its a cap that REPRESENTS each ep. the way i choose them varies every episode#sometimes its an utterly iconic moment. sometimes it reps the theme of the ep. or it hits with a theme of the character themselves#sometimes the cap i use won't even involve the character whose centric episode it is. trust me. this makes sense#anyways i'll give a good example: for outlaws i was so tempted to use a shot of the judgemental soulful gaze of the boar#or perhaps sawyer in the rain after he shot that man#but! i used that shot of sawyer's dads legs as sawyer is hiding under the bed. i feel it worthy because this moment. this scene#is literally a core part of sawyer. it's a defining moment of his backstory. of his character. so yeah. makes sense yeah?#anyways some eps had Too Much going on (lord i could make one of these for exodus part 1 alone) and some not enough#or well they DID but like lacked in caps that Hit in the way im thinking. thank heavens charlie shot ethan cuz i was worried about that ep#i was like ''aw shit what am i gonna use'' and then an iconic lost moment happened kjhfdsjkhfd#anyways. there are 25 eps in season one. so im really glad that the last ep contains one of the moment iconic visuals/moments in all of los#oh i should add that these caps are unedited. i did not fuck with the colours or saturation in any way#i found 'em and i pieced them together. this is harder than it sounds. i browsed through all the screencaps of every ep of season one#and i will do so the remaining five seasons#some of these were super easy like i knew what cap i'd be using before i even started (eg. do no harm. the moth. in translation)#but some took some real Thinking. and some eps even had several caps that would have worked. this has all been quite interesting#also yeah. y'all already know damn well what cap i'm using for the very last episode
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arcticwolf144 · 2 days
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A list of some things I noticed during the last matinee of Next to Normal UK
Diana pointed and yelled something from upstairs just before Natalie started singing for the first time. Like “wahey” sort of energy
She also absolutely bellowed “dive in with both feet” an inch from Dan’s face 
Diana was very insistent that Dan not touch her sandwiches. Kept waving him off
While Natalie was singing Everything Else Diana was peeling the crust off bread slices in time with the beat. I’ve never noticed that before so idk if it was a last day thing or if I’ve just missed it until now but it was very funny. 
Natalie looked like she was tearing up in Perfect for You. She was so happy and it was so cute 
Dan juggled three pieces of garlic bread during It’s Gonna Be Good lmao 
Natalie was so distressed during It’s Gonna Be Good. Like going “please get down!” when Diana climbed on the chair and flinching away from the water. She also mouthed “I’m so sorry” to Henry while everyone else was setting the table
I could hear her sobbing as she ran upstairs
Diana was mouthing “fuck off” to herself a lot while Dan was singing I Am the One.
When Diana started yelling Natalie covered her ears and she was sobbing so hard like the hardest I’ve ever seen someone cry on stage oh my god 
Gabe laughed when Natalie came down the stairs in Superboy 
Diana kept mouthing “shut up, shut the fuck up” when Gabe and Natalie started singing together
A lot of tears during Catch Me I’m Falling
Gabe was so horrified when he saw the blood during I’ve Been. Like he came on, knelt down on the stage and was just staring at the floor, at one point with his nose like inches from the stage. I’ve seen various interpretations but to me it always seems like he can’t quite understand what’s happened or how it’s got there. He knows he told Diana to join him but didn’t realise how violent that would be? Idk. But anyway then he curled against the counter crying and combine that with Jamie’s unbelievable acting through song and it was a hard watch
During the first verse of Wish I Were Here Natalie kept reaching for Diana
I think there was a muck up matinee prank happening in the wings on (the audience’s) left. As the island was spinning Trevor, Jack and Jamie seemed to notice something and were trying not to laugh. Like they’d look into the wings, smile a bit, and then they’d look at each other and then really quickly look away. This happened for the whole song every time the stage rotated. Caissie also seemed to do the tiniest double take when she faced that side of the stage.
Jack didn’t leave the stage after Aftershocks he was standing in the farthest box. So you could see Gabe’s silhouette in the far corner while the next scenes were happening which was quite powerful. 
Diana literally went “what the fuck?” when Dr Madden sent her away after telling her about Gabe 
Diana fully gasped as she put the music box down and the intro to How Could I Ever Forget started. 
When Diana moved away from Gabe during I’m Alive (Reprise) she had her hands over her heart and she was crying and just kept mouthing “my baby”. It was heartbreaking. Then the realisation hit her of what it meant and she got scared and ran off.
Gabe started crying even before Diana looked at him during The Break. He went from exhilaration during the first verse to suddenly getting scared when Diana came in with “they tried a million meds…”. For the rest of the song he was trying to get her attention, crawling up and down the counter in tears. Then when she touched him he completely broke down and was clinging onto her and crying so hard. 
He was also crying when he came out from behind the counter
Natalie sobbed out “stop” when Diana kissed her head in Maybe 
I Am the One (Reprise) may deserve its own post but anyway: Gabe was crying from his first lines (Jack was subtly wiping their face on their sleeve between phrases). He absolutely latched onto Dan, and Dan was sob-shouting his lines while Gabe was absolutely screaming his. When Dan pulled away Gabe tried so hard to catch hold of him again so they had this little tussle mid song during the “yeah”s. Dan then backed away, Gabe leaned fully over the side of the counter reaching for him and tried to belt out “I am the one who loved you” with all his soul but his voice broke so badly basically no sound came out until “loved you”. The same happened with the “tried” on the next line. It was absolutely beautiful and so heartbreaking. He then managed to get out the “you’ve always known who I am”, did this massive sobbing gasp afterwards and was just staring at Dan with tears running down his face. “Hi Dad” was so small and cracky it shattered my heart. Dan then slowly walked towards Gabe with his hand outstretched but stopped just before he reached him, and Gabe raised his hand too so their fingers almost touched and that’s when Natalie came in. Gabe then broke down audibly sobbing
Dan started to break when Gabe touched Natalie’s hand but Gabe then stopped at the bottom of the stairs to cry and Dan started absolutely gasping and sobbing and it was so sad. Like he was watching Gabe leave him for a second time and it destroyed him.
Diana was watching Nat and Henry interact in Light which was a lovely moment. She did a kind of “well fair enough” smile when Henry asked if her parents were real 
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jasntodds · 3 days
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Penance [7]
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Pairing: Jason Todd x Fem!Powered!Reader
Words: 8,230
Chapter Warnings: Swearing, fluff, mentions of death, hurt/comfort, mentions of scars, small description of jason's autopsy scar, smut, 18+ mdni
Summary: ❝Thesus: Stop. Give me your hand. I am your friend. Herakles: I fear to stain your clothes with blood. Thesus: Stain them. I don’t care.❞
It’s been a month and a half since Crane’s reign of terror was stopped, leaving Gotham to finally return to normal. But, what is normal? After everything Jason and you have been through, it seems normal might be some unobtainable dream state. But that’s not going to stop either of you from trying and maybe, you’ll get lucky in the end. At the end of it, the two of you have suffered enough, right?
Right?
A/N: It was my birthday a few weeks ago and 2 days later I was in the ER with a bad kidney infection so that's why this is late lol I'm sorry!! lol You can add yourself to the tag list below, ask me to be tagged, or you can follow my library blog @jasntoddslibrary  and turn on notifications if you prefer that!! I love feedback, I swear it keeps me posting on a weekly basis 😭
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Jason and you patrol together and it feels like old times. You work well together just as you always have and it’s something the both of you really needed. Patrolling with Tim was different because you had to and you couldn’t really do it how you were used to because it was about training Tim and showing him the ropes. But this? This is like it always was, fighting side by side, teaming up and taking turns interrogating people. You stop at Excellent Gotham halfway through and park yourselves by Jason’s favorite gargoyle to eat.
You think tonight is healing parts of you. You felt hopeless before and now you're sitting here with your favorite person as if nothing has really changed. Maybe you don’t need to punish yourself all of the time and maybe this can be good. Maybe you can let yourself heal from everything. If Jason can, don’t you deserve to try?
“Wasn’t too boring tonight, was it?” Jason quips, the both of you back in your street clothes as you stand outside of your apartment building, Jason having rode home with you to make sure you got home safe.
“Eh.” You shrug. “It was alright I guess.” You scrunch your nose at him.
“Alright?!” Jason scoffs. “Bullshit. I’m a fucking trip.”
“You’re something.” You let out a cackle and Jason is relieved to see you look so happy. You looked lost earlier. “Can I ask you something?” You ask.
“What’s up?” Jason shifts his weight to his left leg, resting the helmet on his hip.
“When do you go see Leslie again?” You look down, tugging your sleeves over your hands before your eyes come up to Jason's.
Jason's brows raise slightly before he shrugs. “Uh…few days, why?”
“Can you, uh, a-ask her if she…ya know…maybe I need…to go.”
Jason nods his head with a warm smile. “Yeah, I’ll ask her and give her your number.”
“Thanks, Jay.” You give him a small and shy smile.
“Of course.” Jason smiles softly. “Hate fucking admitting it, but it’s been helping a bit again.”
“Good. I, uh, that’s why I wanna go. Might be for the best.”
“Good. Can’t hurt.” Jason nods his head.
“Yeah.” You smile softly. “Well, I’m gonna head in but thanks for tonight.”
“Do it again?” The corner of Jason's tugs into a hopeful smirk.
“Hell yeah.” You laugh softly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” You beam before spinning on your heels and entering the apartment building.
A smile is stretched across your face as you make your way up the three flights of stairs to your apartment. No part of you believes going to see Leslie is going to be easy but if she’s helping Jason who literally died, surely she can help you. And it feels really good to finally feel like you and Jason might be falling back into some sort of normal after everything.
You enter your apartment, pressing your back against the door as it shuts behind you. The TV is playing quietly from the living room, the rest of the apartment is dark. You're so stuck on how well the night went, you almost miss the sound of Molly’s voice coming from your living room.
“Molly?” You question, pushing off the door and walking the few feet into the kitchen, looking into the living room thanks to the open concept layout.
Molly is leaning against the arm of the couch holding her phone against her thighs. A wide smile splits her face as Jurassic Park is playing on the TV. Molly is still rambling on about the first time she saw the movie, completely ignoring your presence. You roll your eyes and walk over to the back of the couch, looking at her phone screen.
“Hey.” Gar chimes.
Molly jumps. “When did you get back?” Molly ask.
“Just now?” You question. “Hey, Gar?” Your brows furrow, looking between the two of them.
Nothing going on, sure.
Molly looks at the time on her phone. “Did it go okay? You’re not mad are you?” Molly questions.
“What happened?” Gar asks.
You look between the two of them and maybe nothing is going on but from where you're standing, it definitely looks like it. You aren't even upset about it, but if something is going on, you think it's weird and confusing neither one of them would just say something but you aren't going to push. It's not really your business or your place. So, you decide, you're not even gonna say anything. You'll sit back and see what happens with them.
“Nothing?” You shake your head. “We patrolled together, grabbed some food, and came back.” You shrug your shoulders. “So, I’m gonna shower and head to bed.” You reach over the couch and steal a handful of popcorn from Molly’s bowl. You glance to the TV, watching the water in the cup on the dash of the Jeep start to vibrate. “You guys are missing the best part.” You state as you start walking away. “Get it together, guys.” You make your voice cheery, making sure they know you're joking and you can hear Molly laugh quietly as you enter your room.
You grab your change of clothes before heading to the bathroom and hopping in the shower. Music plays through the bathroom until it's interrupted by a ding from a text. You peek out of the shower just in time to see your phone screen still on with Jason’s contact on your screen. He’s texted you a quick ‘made it home’. You smile to yourself and continue washing your hair while your phone chimes again. This time when you look over, it’s a second text from Jason telling you you should just meet him at his place around noon and you can go to Home Depot together. You roll your eyes but your smile is glued to your lips while you finish your shower.
You take a seat on the toilet seat with a towel draped around your body. You pick up your phone while your stomach bubbles and twists.
You: What? Don’t trust my driving?
Jaybird: No ☠️
You: Fuck you 🔪
Jaybird: I’m really shaking in my boots babe
You: You suck
Jaybird: 🤤
You: 🤮
Jaybird: 🖕
You: Ill see you tomorrow I do like to be chauffeured around
Jaybird: How many times did it take autocorrect to get that word right?
Your jaw drops before you burst out laughing. He’s such an asshole but it did take more than a few tries to get that damn word right and he would know.
You: I will walk over to your apartment and fucking stab you so fucking help me jason todd
Jaybird: You’d have to catch me first babe
You: That a dare?
Jaybird: I dare you
You: Okay
You toss your phone and immediately start getting dressed in sweats. You don’t bother with makeup or anything else. You get the bathroom tidied up before you exit the bathroom, phone in hand before you go for your backpack. Molly is still peaking over the couch on her Facetime call with Gar.
“What’re you doing?” Molly asks.
“Going to stab Jason.” You answer casually while Molly looks to her phone at Gar.
“She’s doing what?”
“He dared me, Gar!” You yell but Molly and Gar can tell by the airiness in your voice it's really not that serious.
“He dared you to stab him?” Molly asks, unsure if she really heard you correctly or if she really wants to any sort of context.
You widen your eyes at her, nodding your head quickly. “Yeah! And I’m not gonna back down. It’s a dare.” You scoff with the furrow of your brows.
“Were they always this weird?” Molly asks Gar.
“Hey!” You yell.
“Yes.” Gar answers with a nod.
“Okay, I’ll be back!” You call with a smile as you kick your shoes on and head out, locking the three locks on your way out.
Jason prepares for you to get there, knowing you take dares seriously. He unlocks the door and shuts every light off in the place. If you want to come for him, he’s not going to make it easy. That ruins the game. It’s silly and he knows but at this point, he doesn’t want to miss even a single opportunity with you. Yes, he shouldn't have wasted a month and a half and neither should you but he’s thinking maybe that was for the best. It did give you both space to start to healing. It gave you both space to start setting up your own lives and finding out who you are today. It seems to have helped and there’s nothing saying you can’t continue while trying to get back what you once had. Optimism is not something that ever came easy to Jason Todd but he’s letting himself feel optimistic about you for just a second.
You pull up to Jason's place, seeing it’s completely dark. At first, it almost scares you, thinking maybe something happened and this is a trap. That would be something that could happen. But, that thought fades quickly because you don’t have that pit in your stomach and Jason would never have played along with anything to endanger you. This is Jason being a shit.
You dig in your bag and pull out your phone, using the flashlight as you enter the building, keeping light on your toes.
“Finally.” Jason's voice rings through the speaker system. “Usual rules?”
This was something you did at the Manor when Bruce was out. You blacked out the entire house, the only light would come from the moon outside. Other than that, it was just you two and a black house trying to locate each other. The only rules were not to permanently injure the other one -- don’t shove each other down the stairs and no lethal weapons. First person to disarm the other wins.
“You’re on, Jay.” You call as you shut your flashlight off, pocketing your phone.
You have your hands at your sides as they start to warm and glow a vibrant shade of green. Your steps are careful, using the glow to guide your feet. Back at the manor, you didn’t even need the light from your hands at one point. You had the whole place memorized from doing this with Jason which did kind of defeat some of the purpose of the blacking out the building but it served enough purpose. Plus, there are more stakes. It has the same premise as Dick’s whole thing with the blindfolds but this is more fun.
Jason is positioned at the end of the hall, carefully listening. He can see the glow of your hands which he said was cheating at first, until he realized he can also find you. He doesn’t need the glowing but it’s definitely not a bad thing to have on his end. So, he stands against the wall, watching and listening to you walk closer. His eyes track you, knowing you’ll search the full hallway before attempting the stairs. A part of him wants to dodge around you and essentially play a weird game of hide and seek but instead, he keeps his feet planted. The idea is to disarm, not to find.
Your hands stop glowing the further down the hallway you get. Jason's brows furrow, still listening to your footsteps. They echo softly no matter how light on your feet you try to be. If you know anything, it’s that Jason likes to play games. He’s going to make finding him easy the first time because that’s the point. And then you’ll have to spar it out until one of you backs off and runs off. He’s done this before so you keep walking with soft feet until you reach the end of the hallway. Jason is like a radiator. He could heat up an entire room if left there long enough so as you stand right in front of him, you can feel the space between you growing warmer.
You strike first, just missing his head as Jason grabs your arm. He spins you around as you kick your leg around his, sending you both to the ground. Jason falls on top of you, barely catching his weight on his hands to not crush you and you don’t miss a beat, crawling from under him only for Jason to grab your ankle and yank you back. Jason hears your laugh through a squeal.
“That’s a fucking ego boost.” Jason laughs with you.
“You’re not scary, sorry, Jay.” You tease, yanking your ankle free.
“Lotta people'd beg to differ." Jason defends as he hears you run off down the hallway.
“Not to me!” You sing-song, your voice echoing off the walls and staircase.
A smile stretches across Jason’s face as he shakes his head. He starts walking after you, not hearing your footsteps anymore and he knows you've hidden yourself behind some sort of corner so he’s careful with his steps.
A large part of him thought the good parts of him died and the pit kept them. It kept them in exchange for his life, maybe that’s just the price he was to pay in order to live. Someone can’t come back to life without sacrificing something. Look at Ra’s. But, over the last few days, he’s learning that may not have been in the case.
His bones still ache and something still feels hauntingly different but the good parts of him are still there. Tim didn’t even blink when Jason showed up in the alley, he was so unbothered by all of Jason’s training methods that even got you to pitch a fit every once in a while. Jason had a good time training Tim and him and you are back to doing this stupid game in the middle of the night with laughter bouncing off of the walls. He’s smiled more the last few days than he has in two months. Maybe the good parts of him aren’t entirely gone. They were just covered in guilt and remorse.
You're tucked away in a corner and you always wonder how Jason manages to be so silent as he walks. You can be quiet but you can’t even tell when he’s moving until it’s almost too late. It’s for his own protection, he’s been doing this longer, but it’s always fascinating to you and it'd be a little scary if you didn't know him. One second he’s down the hall and the next, he’s standing in front of you without ever making a sound. It’s his most intimidating quality.
But you're careful anyway, listening, focusing on your surroundings and then the hairs stand up on the back of your neck with a subtle throb starting to your right. You dodge just as Jason's fist flies through the air and you grab his arm, elbowing the inside of his arm. Jason lets out a groan and you twist it around before Jason laughs.
“It’s cute you think you still stand a chance.”
“I’ve taken you before.” You quip, holding his arm behind his back.
“You’re out of practice.” Jason chuckles, pulling his arm away before he spins back around, going to grab you but you jump back.
“So are you.” You quip.
“You sure?” Jason asks making you nearly scream. He’s right in front of you now and you didn’t feel him that time. His breath is fanning over your face and without needing to see him, you can tell he’s smirking, cheeks probably that pretty shade of pink.
“Uh-huh.” Your voice catches in your throat.
“Right.” Jason gives you this chuckle that makes you want to kiss the smirk off of his face but you know you can’t very well do that now so instead, you make your move.
You quickly slide to the right before kicking his feet from under him. Jason lands on a knee and he swipes his leg across the floor, knocking you down just as you try to run off. It’s Jason’s turn to get to his feet and find a new spot.
The two of you go back and forth like this and it’s different this time. Usually, you spar hard and you both make solid efforts to disarm the other but this time, you’re spending a lot of time hiding and running. It wasn’t so much intentional at first from either of you but the more you do it, the more you realize this is just more time to spend together. Tomorrow comes eventually and tomorrow always has some sort of surprise in it. Tonight, you don’t wanna worry about that. You spend your time in the dark, finding each other and going back forth with fists and quips.
Two hours in, Jason is hiding out on the landing of the first staircase, tucked away in the corner. The window is two feet away from him, the city lights cascading through the pains and onto the wood flooring. His eyes stay trained in front of him, hearing you from downstairs walking around. You've been looking for a few minutes and Jason is wondering if you’ll give up. And then he hears a smack and a groan from down the stairs. Jason has to stifle his own laugh, far nicer than you who burst out laughing when Jason hit the doorframe. You seem to recover okay, your steps picking up a few seconds later and he can hear you ascending the staircase.
Your steps stop right at the top.
You roll your eyes and you know damn well Jason is right behind the light of the window. He’ll be able to see you before you can see him. And if you know anything about him, you know he’s standing right in the corner, right foot lifted and pressed against the wall with his arms crossed and that stupid smirk on his lips. This game was never very fair from your perspective. You've never won. Jason’s senses have always been better, Bruce trained him well. As much as you hate the thought. You let out a sigh, take two steps forward and stand directly in the light, a taunt telling Jason to get it over with.
Jason pushes off the wall with his right foot and makes his move but he’s cautious. You do not give up, especially to him when there’s a game like this in play. He strikes first, you block him in an instant, using the light to drag him from the shadows and you get him with your knee right in his side. Jason doesn’t even flinch, throwing another hit, this time hitting you on your side. The two go back and forth, breathing turning heavy as you use the city lights to your advantage. But, it’s Jason who gets the upper hand as he almost always does, grabbing both of your wrists as you use one to try to punch him and the other to block his hands. His grip is tight and unwavering.
Jason’s chest is nearly touching yours as you look up at him. There’s a devious gleam you can make out even in the low light, the corners of his mouth perked into a subtle smirk. Your heart jumps into your throat.
“Giving up so quick?” Jason questions.
“No.” You let out a soft pout but you aren’t fighting him.
Jason can feel his heartbeat on his tongue. His grip loosens on your wrists but he doesn’t let go. Instead, his thumb rubs your skin softly, not even realizing he’s doing it. It’s been hours and he’s been having a blast and he knows she is, too. For the life of him, he can’t figure out why you both let time go by. He does know why, because it all hurt but maybe it was just getting over the hump of it all. He thinks it must be just as hard for you to overcome as it is for him. But, you both always seemed to be able to cope better around each other. It’s the understanding of every action and word that leaves your lips. The feeling that you’ll both never be alone.
Jason nods once. “Not trying very hard.” Jason whispers softly.
Last night felt so good and cathartic. Maybe you just want to live in another one of those moments for a few minutes.
“You’ll just tighten your grip.” You whisper back, watching a cheeky smirk grow on his lips.
“Doesn’t seem to bother you much.” Jason quips and his eyes glance to your lips.
What if he kisses you anyway? Just one more time. Then you can do this friend thing with the game and the banter. What if he kisses you anyway?
“No.” You answer back, glancing to his lips.
What if you kiss him? Just one more time and then you can do the whole friend like you did before. What if you kiss him?
“How’re you gonna get out of this then?” Jason quips.
Fuck it.
You lunge forward, your lips connecting with Jason’s. He groans and immediately drops your wrists as his hands come to your cheeks, pulling you closer to him. Jason melts right into you, nearly exploding at the seams with the very thought you were thinking the same thing he was.
His mouth moves with yours and you push forward until Jason’s back hits the wall. Jason grabs your hips, turning you both around so your back is pinned against the wall. He kisses down your neck, nipping and biting at the flesh. Your heartbeat skyrockets as your hand tangles into his messy hair. Your eyes are closed as a soft moan escapes your lips. Jason bites down, sucking a mark into your skin.
You pull his head back to your lips, the kiss turning sloppy and wet. Jason slides his hands under your thighs, picking you up to pin you against the wall as his knee slots into between your legs. His thigh hits just the right spot making you let out a moan into his mouth immediately followed by a groan.
You pull his hair back, getting a pretty groan from Jason before you go to his neck, leaving your own purple mark. Jason holds your hips helping you grind down against his thigh. The sound of your desperate gasps makes him want to lose his mind. He wants to surrender all control he has ever had and forget anything bad ever happened. His head is lust drunk and all he wants is you. His bulge is growing and throbbing through his sweatpants, desperately wanting free.
You feel yourself growing closer and wetter but more desperate. There’s not quite enough friction and he knows it. He knows this only ever gets you teetering on the edge but it’s never quite enough. He knows exactly what he’s doing and you want to bite him. Your pussy throbs and aches for something to fill you up.
“Jay.” You pant desperately into his mouth.
He fucking snickers.
And stills your hips.
“Jay.” Your brows pinch together as if you're in pain.
“What’s that?”Jason teases.
“Fuck. You.” You nod your head, trying to move your hips but his grip keeps you steady.
Jason leans forward, nipping up your neck making you whine. He can feel your pulse against his lips as he kisses his way up to your cheek. You feel him grin against your skin and you think your skin might set the both of you on fire.
“Say please.” Jason mocks you, whispering in your ear, his voice deep and graveled.
You think you've melted into the palms of his hands.
Jason loosens his grip slightly, allowing you to get some friction for just a few seconds before stilling your hips.
“Didn't hear ya, babe?” Jason’s eyes lock on yours with the quick raise of his brows, using all of his self-control not to cave himself.
There's a sliver of you that wants to push him, see who can actually outlast the other because you know it'll be him begging for you in about ten minutes. But, your head is swimming and your body is erupting in goosebumps. The desperation of wanting him all over you makes you lose every other thought that was once there.
You kiss him, keeping your lips close to his, pulling away just enough to speak. “Please.”
Jason doesn’t waste a single second to dropping his knee as his lips connect back with yours.
Jason pulls you with him, his back towards the second set of stairs as you both walk up them, unsteadily with your lips connected. Once you’re up the stairs, Jason is grabbing the hem of your hoodie, tugging it over you and tossing it on the floor. Jason’s hoodie is next, tossed somewhere in the dark hallway. By the time you reach Jason’s room, he’s tugging your top off and tossing it to the floor.
It’s all hasty and hot, desperate and needy as Jason pulls you to his bed. He lands on top of you, catching you to mind your fall and your hands are under his shirt. They’re warm and soft. They make him feel whole again.
The words ‘i need you’ circle his brain but never quite make it out. He needs you like he needs air. You're the breath of fresh air on the first day of spring. It’s the first day the air doesn’t hurt his lungs. You taste how the word cathartic sounds. He needs you like he needs the oxygen in his lungs.
You scratch up his back and Jason arches his back right into you. His head spins. His lips trail down to your cheek and then your neck. He leaves a second mark in his wake and your head falls fuzzy. You aren’t even entirely sure you're even here anymore. All you know is that you want him and your skin is on fire. You can’t form a single coherent thought as Jason makes his way down to your collarbone, leaving yet another mark. All you can think about his him. His mouth and his the way his teeth graze over your skin, how warm his hand is as it trails up to your breast. All you can think about is the pretty moans and groans that leave his lips as you claw his back again. You've turned to mush all over again.
He presses some kisses around where your braw cuts off, just enough to tease you before he comes back up, kissing your lips. And all you know for certain is how badly you need him. You need him today and tomorrow and every day after. Every moment with him is worth every bit of pain and agony. Every moment without him is boring and lackluster. Jason walks into a room and it’s like a color bomb explodes through the room. His laugh could light up the darkest of hallways and his eyes are the prettiest shade of green, they could convert anyway to love the color. Breathing is easier whenever he's around.
Your hands go to the hem of his shirt and try to tug it off of his head but Jason stops you, shooting up immediately. Your high immediately vanishes seeing the look of panic spread over his feature. Jason’s head comes back, still spinning but down in panic and his chest heaves. What’s he supposed to do?
“I-I’m sorry.” You shake your head, leaning up on your elbows. “I-, uh, I thought…well…I…I should have asked--”
“No.” Jason shakes his head, looking down then back to you. “It’s not…that.” Jason nearly chokes on his own words.
“What’s wrong, Jay?” Your brows tug together and even though you're the one half-naked, he’s the one feeling exposed.
Jason’s teeth grind together and he didn’t really think this far ahead. His mind was clouded with the thought of you and the desire to just have one more fucking night. His mind was clouded with the idea of chasing the feeling you shared just a few months ago. He didn’t think about this step. This part of the whole sex thing. You don’t care. You never care about scars but it hurts him.
Jason clears his throat as he brings his hands back to your hips, watching your chest quickly rise and fall with every breath. He's running through everything he could say. How is he supposed to tell you he has a thick, protruding scar from his collarbones all the way down his abdomen? That can't possibly be some sort of turn on and if anything, he's almost certain it'll send you into a spiral because it nearly does to him every damn day he looks at it. What's he supposed to say? What's he supposed to say without making you feel worse or feel like you need to push to make sure he's okay?
What's he supposed to say in order to keep this moment intact without it being just another moment tainted by painful memories?
“We can just keep doing this. Um…I-I don’t mind…if you don’t.” You try to pull in a breath. The guilt chews at your stomach. “I, uh, I don’t—“
“Y/n.” Jason cuts you off, not wanting you to spiral. “It's not that, I fucking swear.” Jason squeezes your hips and his brows twitch up with reassurance. He's just not sure if he's ready to reveal that part to you. It makes him feel guilty. He's supposed to be able to share everything with you but the shame eats at him. “I want to.” He clarifies, earning a nod from you. “It’s just…” His eyes go distant for a second before coming back to yours. “Stays on.”
You offer him a large nod and you thought it was odd he turned around before to change. Jason has never been very modest about anything ever. He has worked very hard for his chest and abs and he doesn’t mind showing off a bit, especially in front of you because he’s still a shithead. But, last night he didn’t and sitting here now, you're putting the pieces together while a piece of your heart breaks for him.
“I, uh…I know.” You nod softly, pushing yourself up to sit up fully.
Jason sits on his knees, his knees on either side of your legs.
You can't know.
“What?” Jason’s brows tug together.
“The night Crane kidnapped you, you, uh, you couldn’t get out of your gear so I had to help you.” You offer him a soft shrug. “So, uh…I just want you to know that I already know. It’s completely fine, I get it, but I wanted you to know that I already knew.”
Jason can feel his throat wanting to close and his world feels like it's closing in on him. It feels like a nightmare. He doesn't want you to know. It's embarrassing.
“You saw it?!” Jason’s voice cracks as his cheeks burn a vibrant red as he bites his own tongue to try and hide and his shame.
You nod again. “Yeah. You, uh, you were really high and I figured it would not be something you would want brought up.”
Jason shakes his head looking down. He feels tainted, ruined, a mess of broken and damaged pieces piled on the floor to be discarded and forgotten about. He's not even sure what's worse. The fact you knew and then never said anything or the fact he didn't even get a chance to make peace with it before he told you. He hates it so fucking much and it just makes him feel like the biggest failure there is. What more proof does anyone really need? He failed at being Robin, failed at taking down the Joker, failed at being a good son, failed at being a good boyfriend, he even failed at staying dead. It's just embarrassing and shameful.
You can see the gears in his head working overtime. He's going to spiral and the scar doesn't mean shit to you. Your entire back is riddled with them. Any one of those could have caused massive bleeding and killed you. The way you see it, his scars were better because most of them were just part of the job. He got them putting himself in danger for the greater good.
"I don't care, ya know?" You state with the raise of your brows and all Jason does is shake his head. "I don't fucking care about it, Jay. I know you do. Whatever the fuck you're thinking about it, you're wrong." You rest a hand on his cheek. "You don't have to take your shirt off around me if you don't want to. I get it."
"I fucking hate it." Jason states, taking your hand in his, his fingers delicate over your skin. He uses both hands to rub circles into your palm, massaging the muscles.
"For what it's worth," You let out a breath. "I don't. I don't care and I don't mind. That shit doesn't matter to me, Jay."
"I know." Jason nods his head because he knows you don't. It's something in his own head. It's just really difficult to move on from.
"So, whatever you wanna do, I don't mind." You offer him a tender smile.
Jason lets out a breath. “Thank you.” Jason says back. “Did you know? That Bruce had it done?”
“Yeah.” You pull in a breath, biting back your bitterness for Bruce. “He didn’t say why though I was screaming at him when I found out so he didn’t have much chance, I guess.”
Jason lets out a quiet but sad chuckle because even in death, you will fight tooth and nail for him. “You were screaming at him for it?”
“Well, yeah, I thought it was pointless. I figure it’s just legal reasons, maybe.” You shrug. “But I didn’t wanna hear it then.” You chuckle softly. “So, yeah, I uh, I knew he did and I knew the Pit didn’t take it away.”
It's something he's going to need to find a way to make terms with but at least, you're understanding about it. He wishes he had the opportunity to tell you himself but...he's thinking maybe this was easier. You've known and never batted an eye or said a word about it. Maybe he doesn't have to feel all that shame and embarrassment around you.
“White hair, kept all of my scars, and got the one my chest.” Jason lets out a scoff.
“Least it fixed your face.” You quip back with a cheeky smile in hopes it'll help cheer him up a bit.
You see the flash of something kind and cheeky cross over his face.
Jason drops your hand, leaning in. “What’s wrong with my face, huh?” The corner of his mouth perks into a grin and you always have a way to make him feel better about anything and everything.
Your name might as well be synonymous with catharsis.
“Did you want a list?” You raise with a smirk as you tilt your head to the right.
Jason lets out a laugh. “Fuck you.” Jason shakes his head at you and his eyes go to your lips before traveling back up to your eyes.
“Say please.” You lean in closer to him, brushing your nose against his.
Jason shakes his head, bursting at the seams with a devilish grin. His hand comes up to your cheek before he kisses you, pushing the both of you down to the bed.
“Please.” Jason nearly growls into your mouth.
Jason leans up and tugs his shirt off quickly before coming right back to your lips. Your hands tangle in his hair and give the strands a light tug. You push on his shoulder, signaling for him to roll over. You get on top before you trail down and press kisses to his cheek and then to his neck, leaving your second mark of the night.
The words ‘i love you’ bounce around Jason’s head like a pinball in a pinball machine. He’s so in love with you he thinks he might have lost all of his sanity. He did not know it was possible to feel so strongly for another person but he does. And he wants to live here forever. You make him better and he is so certain of that if not for everything that has happened but the reason that Jason doesn’t want to self-sabotage with you. It’s not worth it. You’ll fight and make up and it’ll have been for nothing. All it would do is hurt the both of you and haven’t you both been hurt enough?
You can feel Jason's hardening bulge beneath you. Without breaking the kiss, you slide your fingers into the waistband of his pants, helping him tug them down. Jason sits up, helping you get the rest of his clothes off before he flips the two of you so you're back on your back. You let out a laugh just as you always did and Jason thinks he'd never grow tired of it.
Your hands are in his hair and he can feel you smiling against his lips despite the haste of your kiss. Jason slides his hand under your back, undoing your bra before he helps you get off. His hand goes right to your right breast, pinching your nipple between his thumb and finger. You moan into his mouth as your head starts to go fuzzy all over again. You squirm under him and a grin comes to Jason's lips.
You snake your hand to his cock, wrapping your fingers around the shaft before you start pumping him slowly. Jason's mouth opens against you as his hips stutter for just a second. You start moving your arm faster and Jason's mouth trails back down to your neck. His teeth graze the skin and you think you'd let him mark every part of your body without ever putting a thought into it.
He sucks a mark into your neck.
And then another.
And another leading down the scar on your shoulder from the bullet wound.
He stops there, switching to a kiss and your stomach twists while your brain starts to turn to goo. He presses kisses back up to your lips and you're squirming under his touch as you can feel yourself growing wetter by the second. 
"Condom." You mutter against his lips before removing your hand from his cock, precum leaking from the tip.
Jason wastes no time in reaching for his nightstand to tug out a condom. You're already stripping the rest of your clothes by the time Jason has the package in his hand. 
Jason smirks down at you. "Not wasting any time, huh?"
You shrug, almost taunting him as you keep your eyes locked on his, careful not to look down at the scar. "Been a while."
Jason chuckles as heat runs over his neck. "Having withdrawal?"
"I could just do it myself." You quip back.
"Can I watch?" Jason questions and a part of you thinks he's serious.
You roll your eyes. "Maybe next time."
Jason has to clear his throat as his cock twitches with the remark. "Hold you to it." Jason mutters as he finally gets the wrapper open.
"Then I get to watch you."
Jason's eyes flash over to you as his stomach drops and spins. "Whatever you want, princess." Jason finally gets the condom on and you pull him back down to you.
His lips connect with yours, hot and fast at first, hungry as if he hasn't eaten in a month. His cock is lined up with your soaking pussy but the kiss slows and deepens. Jason's hand trails down your right thigh, delicate fingers running over your skin as goosebumps erupt over your body. You run a hand down his shoulder and to his arm, his bicep twitches under your touch.
Jason is warm and sturdy, an unwavering force that you find yourself so intertwined with, you really aren't sure how you've managed to live so much of your life without him. It always feels like he's meant to be around you like someone out there made him just for you and you were made just for him. In some ways, that's scary and feels like a big responsibility, but in others, it's comforting. It's the reassurance that it's just you and him in the end of it all. You'll get there one day. That's how it's supposed to be.
Jason pulls away, resting his forehead against yours before he starts sliding his cock into your aching pussy. The pit in your stomach grows as you start to see stars. Jason's eyes are shut and he's thinking he's left this whole plane of existence. He sinks into you slow and steady until he bottoms out.
His eyes open, locking on yours. Your fingers are lightly running up his arm and the words of 'i love you' almost spill from his lips like an overflowing cup of water. His nose brushes yours and he almost says it. He doesn't want to scare you away with piling too much on you at once. Last night and the scar tonight, he knows you're worried the Titans.
He'll tell you later.
Instead, Jason settles for something with the same meaning.
Your eyes close and the words of 'i love you' almost escape your lips like an easy breath. You brush your nose with his and you almost say it. Jason has been through a lot. You don't want to add to it, not right now. You don't want to add more pressure if he can't say it back yet. You don't want to scare him off.
You'll tell him later.
Instead, you settle for something with the same meaning.
"You and me." Jason whispers to you as he goes to kiss your cheek.
A tender smile pulls at your lips as your heart stutters in your chest. "You and me."
A smile rips through Jason's lips as his heart feels like it's just burst through his ribcage.
Jason pulls out and pushes back in, just as slow this time before he starts picking up the pace. Your mind starts swimming with his quick movements. His mouth is on yours again and you can barely keep up. Your mind is flooded with how full he's making you as your pussy clenches around him.
You try to form words, anything to tell him to keep going but nothing can form quite right, giving Jason the ego boost he doesn't exactly need. He gets the idea and doesn't lighten up. His hand grips your thigh, tugging your leg up near his hip. With the new angle, he's tapping the patch of nerves inside of you. You gasp against him, your nails digging into his back.
"J-Jay." You nearly whine into his mouth and Jason nearly finishes right there with the first word you're able to get out being his name.
"Hmm?" He hums, trying to hold his composure. "Gotta speak up, babe." Jason teases.
"H-harder." You get out.
Jason grins wickedly against your lips, doing as you asked but only for a few thrusts before he stops entirely. "Like that?"
Your eyes shoot open, pupils blow with desperation and lust. "Please."
You don't have to ask again.
Jason thrusts his hips harder and faster than before. You groan louder below him almost immediately. Your pussy is clenching around him more and more and he can tell you're getting close. He slides a hand between you, rubbing tight circles around your clit. You nearly scream with the new sensation.
You grip his hair and pull his neck closer to you just as Jason gets you to reach your high. You let out a mixed whine and moan of his name before you bite down where his shoulder meets his neck, desperately trying not to scream. Tears prick your eyes as your stomach tightens and your whole body shakes and twitches beneath Jason.
It takes everything in him not to lose himself until you're finally finished, panting below him. His hips stall against you as his head hangs in the cook of your neck, his cock twitching as he shoots his load into the condom.
Jason leans up, chest heaving and he places a kiss to your cheek and then your forehead before he rolls off of you to dispose of the condom in his bathroom.
You sit up, wrapping the blanket around you with your chest still heaving and you give Jason a tender smile as he walks back towards the bed. He grabs his clothes as you watch him and you're getting your first full view of the scar. It doesn't bother you but you understand why it bothers him. Seeing it in full, it's a harsh scar, not something that looks like it'll even fade. You think if it were you, it'd bother you, too.
Jason makes his way back to the bed, plopping back down before he leans against the pillow. His eyes are still lustblown as he gives you a soft and tired smile, and you think his eyes are filled with something you became so accustomed to. Your hand goes to his hair, brushing the white streaks away from his face. Jason’s hand grabs your hand before bringing your palm to his lips and he presses tender kisses over your hand.
“For the record,” You start as Jsaon places your hand back down. “I don’t care what scars you come home with.” You say so easily and your word choice doesn’t go unnoticed by Jason. “I know you do but I don’t…” You pause, chewing the inside of your cheek. “Just as long as you come home.” You nod a few times as your brows pinch together.
Jason sits up, his face coming just a few inches from yours. “I’m sorry I didn’t.” His voice is rough and this is a different apology than the one you got on the roof. The one you got at his safe house. There are no stakes in the apology.
“It’s not your fault.” You place a hand on his cheek and Jason leans into it. "I forgive you anyway, though."
He still wonders how you were ever able to bear it. Despite his general feeling of self-doubt and self-loathing, he knows your feelings have always been very real for him. You didn’t cope, that he knows for certain and he’s not entirely sure if you ever will. It’s something you have to make peace with just as much as he does. And he thinks about how maybe that’s an important part of you both moving forward. You forgive him for some reason but Jason doesn’t think you've accepted it yet. A part of him has, it happened to him and he’s alive. He went through it. One second, your world is moving at a steady pace and the next it’s halted, suddenly stopped with no warning and then it’s thrown in the other direction. It sounds more like whiplash. So, Jason wonders if you’ll ever hit the acceptance stage. He wonders how you were ever able to bear any of it. He knows for certain if it were him, he’d never be able to.
Your eyes are soft and tired and there’s the tiniest, adoring smile on your lips. A look Jason is privileged enough to be the only one to receive. And he thinks about he’d never be able to bear the loss of you. It rips him to shreds. It would take all of the remaining good parts of him and shatter them. He’d never recover if something happened to you. Even if it's beyond his control. It’s terrifying feeling that way about another person.
Jason nods against you before he presses a kiss to the palm of your hand. “Yeah…” He lets out a breath. “Thanks for sticking around.”
“Thanks for letting me.” You smile softly. "You and me?"
Jason offers the same smile back. "You and me." Jason confirms. “You still gonna talk to Leslie?” Jason asks as you pull your hand away.
You nod softly. “Yeah. If she has anything open.”
Jason gives you a soft smile. “Good.” He nods softly. He sits back up all the way, looking to his doorway. “Gonna grab your clothes.” Jason chuckles softly, tossing his shirt over his head before he gets up.
You watch Jason disappear through the doorway and you're quick to grab his pillow, checking to see if he’s replaced the knife with a gun. Your chest warms with the sight of your blue switchblade still locked and lying under his pillow. It’s a relief he hasn’t put the gun back. Your thoughts are jolted as fabric hits your face.
“Hey!” You yell through a laugh, your clothes falling into your lap.
“Fucking nosey ass.” Jason nods his head at you, making his way back to the bed with his hoodie in hand.
“You’re an interesting person to be nosey about.” You shrug as you get the blanket off of your shoulders. You can feel the tiredness weighing on your bones and you know if you don't head home soon, you'll end up staying here. As much as you really want to, you do not want to overstay your welcome. “Well,” You sigh as you tug your shirt over your head. “I should probably head home.” You laugh softly, seeing the orange light of sunrise seeping through Jason’s window.
“Guess so.” Jason nearly pouts at the thought. He never wants you to leave but he doesn't want you to feel obligated to always stay just because you're here late. You'll be back here later anyway. “Still gonna help me today?” Jason’s eyes are hopeful and big.
“Of course.” You laugh softly, feeling the heat rise to your cheeks. “I’ll just sleep for a few hours and how about we like one?” You ask. “We’ll both be out of it if we don’t get some sleep.”
“Yeah, yeah, alright.” Jason says in agreement. “Want an escort home?” He asks but you can tell by the way he raises of his brows and the way he's already moving to get up, it's not really an offer. He's going to do it anyway.
“Thank you.” You stand up, putting the rest of your clothes on. "Just get some sleep when you get back, okay?"
Jason nods with a grin. "Of course. Gotta be well-rested hanging out with you."
"I can not help you." You quip as you grab your bag.
"Sorry." Jason lets out a chuckle.
"Let's just go." Your eyes widen at him to tease him before Jason gestures towards the door for you to lead the way.
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63 notes · View notes
brotherwtf · 2 days
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Nah but sub! Top Bucky being a brat, Gale tying Bucky down and just riding Bucky and edging him until he’s sobbing!
Your writing is soooo good! I love it so much
THESE ARE HOLY WORDS SUB TOP BRAT BUCKY??? meet me at the altar rn this is basically a marriage proposal to me
nah but John is a BRAT, especially when he's had a couple of drinks in him. he'll talk back to Gale, maybe makes fun of him a little bit for not liking sports or drinking, but Gale is used to this so he doesn't entertain it
but John keeps pushing, keeps getting on Gale's nerves, keeps being like "what are you going to do about it? punish me?" think along the lines of the Stalag fight, fighting until he literally can't fight anymore
so when Gale finally breaks, he shoves John into their bedroom, forces him on the bedroom and says "yeah, I am gonna punish you. But you'd probably like it, you're a fucking whore for it," and oh, John is in HEAVEN
since he doesn't know when to quit, John keeps talking instead of playing it safe and shutting up, goading Gale and telling him he won't really punish John, he loves him too much
but Gale has this stern expression on his face when he grabs his ropes, forces John to strip, and of course when John doesn't want to spread his legs or arms Gale forcefully takes them and chooses to be rough with him
of course this is about the time where John realizes he's goofed, especially when Gale takes off his clothes nice and slow, maintaining eye contact with him the entire time
he does that thing that drives John crazy where he reaches across his stomach to lift his shirt up, pushing his ass out so it accentuates both his ass and his waist, and Johns basically pulling at his restraints because Gale looks so damn HOT, but he can't touch
he realizes this is his punishment, having to watch Gale pleasure himself while John can't touch him at all, and he's fucking gone, all bets are off
Gale would seductively crawl between his legs, suck him off while looking obscenely up through his lashes, making those obnoxious moans and gags as he takes all of John into his throat
he sucks and swallows until Johns bucking his hips up, he's so close and he thinks that Gale might just let him come, but Gale pulls off and shakes his head, climbing off of the bed to grab the lube
John's shaking at this point, he's so achingly hard he can hardly stand it, and it doesn't help that Gales purposefully bending over just so, god Gale is just being such a tease
Gale forces John to watch as he opens himself up, makes those same obnoxious noises from before just to make John go crazy, and the poor boy is whining now, begging for Gale to let him touch
but Gale just shrugs his shoulders, "you should have thought about that before you decided to be bratty tonight" and immediately bottoms out on John's cock
it punches the prettiest sounds from John, lovely little sobs and whimpers as Gale rides him, pressing his hands into the muscle of John's chest and squeezing, overstimulating him just so
Gale can tell John's close when his whimpers get even higher in his throat, so he pulls off right before John's going to come, cooing at the way John's hips thrust into the air to get some release
John begs and begs for Gale to let him come, but Gale shrugs his shoulders, tells him he should have been good, and orders John to put his clothes back on, he wasn't going to come tonight no matter how much he begged
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snowflake-sage · 4 hours
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Can I just bitch about something for a minute
Irresponsible dog owners have highkey ruined dogs for me
I cannot tell you the amount of times I have been chased by a DIFFERENT dog in my neighborhood. Please, ffs, KEEP YOUR DOG IN YOUR YARD!! I am riding my bike on a public road! Why is your dog running off your property into the street to chase me! I don’t know that your dog is friendly or not, and even if you said it is, I don’t believe you!
I have had dogs literally bite my bicycle, I have had them chase me, my poor mom was walking our own dog on a leash in OUR YARD and my neighbors dog ran INTO OUR YARD, legit up to the front door and their dog tried to attack our dog. On our OWN PORCH!
WHY are so many people irresponsible?? If you have a dog, you need to have something to keep it in your yard, a fence, an invisible fence, walk it on a leash!!
It’s fucking ridiculous, it makes me so mad. You’re putting other people and your own dog in danger, if it’s running in the road it could get hit by a car. Why tf is it outside by itself?? And idc if you claim your dog is friendly, a friendly dog isn’t going to run into someone else’s yard and attack their dog, it’s not going to bite my bike.
Like these irresponsible people ruin dogs for everyone else bc I know people who have put hours into training their dog, and it’s ruined in instance bc someone else’s dog attacked theirs, and now their dog is reactive. It’s so fucking common too, I used to work at a pet store, it’s MOST PEOPLE.
I used to love dogs, now every time I see one I hold my fucking breathe, I legit get so nervous. I am developing a freaking fear of dogs.
And it’s frustrating. I LIKE dogs. I used to want my own dog (not just a family one). Now I can’t imagine myself getting one. Because even if I get one and do everything right, someone else and their negligence could ruin it for me.
I don’t hate dogs, but I’m AFRAID of a lot of them. Especially big dogs, they legit scare me. Small dogs aren’t so bad, but I literally got approached by a random boxer dog today, that’s a big fucking dog dude. It was literally running into multiple peoples yards and through the street. Just wtf.
I just want to ride my bike man, without being scared I’m gonna get attacked by a random fucking dog, im on a public street, why are DOGS CHASING ME?
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heavenknowsffs · 2 years
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I just want the feont pieces of my hair GONE they're so annoying
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the picnic table scene
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118 notes · View notes
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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peaches2217 · 2 months
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I have so many varied and fun WIPs I could work on but my brain continues to scream “BE WEIRD ABOUT CHILDBIRTH! SURELY YOU WON’T WEIRD ANYONE OUT IF YOU KEEP WRITING ABOUT CHILDBIRTH!” and I’d like it to sTOP
#I HAVE TOKOPHOBIA CHILDBIRTH AND PREGNANCY IN GENERAL REPULSE ME#(not to be confused with ‘I find it repulsive’ — its natural and plenty of people find it beautiful and more power to ‘em! me personally…)#BUT I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT MARIO RUSHING TO HIS WIFE’S BEDSIDE AND FRANTICALLY TRYING TO HELP HER RELAX#WHEN IN FACT SHE IS ALREADY RELAXED AND HE NEEDS BREATHING EXERCISES MORE THAN SHE DOES#AND THE MENTAL AND PHYSICAL EXHAUSTION THEY BOTH UNDERGO AS THE HOURS TICK BY AND THE PAIN GETS WORSE#PEACH HURTING AND ANXIOUS AND FRANKLY KINDA TERRIFIED BUT BLINDLY LEANING ON AND TRUSTING HER HUSBAND WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT#AND OF COURSE HE REFUSES TO LET HER DOWN BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH HE’S FRAZZLED HE’S NOT GOING TO LET HER GO THROUGH THIS ALONE#AND AND AND#PEACH TREMBLING AND WEEPING IN RELIEF WHEN SHE’S HANDED HER LITTLE GIRL AND FEELS HER TAKE HER FIRST BREATHS AND HEARS HER FIRST CRIES#MARIO PEPPERING HER FACE IN KISSES AND JUST REPEATING ‘brava! brava! brava!’ BECAUSE HIS WIFE IS SO STRONG AND SO INCREDIBLE#AND IT DOESN’T REALLY HIT HIM UNTIL THEIR BABY’S ALL CLEANED AND SWADDLED AND HE’S HOLDING HER FOR THE FIRST TIME AND HE JUST#STARTS FUCKING BAWLING#AND WHISPERING TO HER IN HIS NATIVE TONGUE ABOUT HOW MUCH HE LOVES HER AND HOW HE’S SO HAPPY TO MEET HER AND HE’S GONNA PROTECT HER#THE IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH! THE FIRST SLEEPLESS HOURS AND DAYS! NAVIGATING IT ALL TOGETHER AND IT BRINGS THEM EVEN CLOSER#WHY AM I LIKE THIS#I SEE PREGNANT BELLIES OR NEWBORN BABIES IRL AND I’M LIKE ‘🤢’#BUT WHEN IT’S MY OTPS I AM LITERALLY OBSESSED#WHY#MAKE IT MAKE SENSE 😭😭😭
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purpurussy · 2 months
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#tw suicide#idk i feel like i am probably gonna kms after TIT#i would do it sooner but i asked one of my friends to come with me and it would suck if i made him go alone#and it is something to look forward to which is helping me hang on i guess#but ughhhh once uni starts again in september i know everything is gonna fall apart.#i already got an extension on my thesis due to being a useless shell of a person who can't motivate themselves to do anything atm#but i was supposed to get some work done over the summer and have so far done nothing#hence why i want to kms before i have to talk to my fucking supervisors again and admit yet again that i simply cannot do this 😭#and it's not just this. my executive dysfunction has been so bad over the past couple of years and it's only getting worse#to the point where i can't imagine being able to work at all. and if i can't work i can't get out of my parents house#and then what the fuck is the point.#every time i see someone on here talking about bonding with their parents over dnp I'm like damn what's it like#to have parents who actually want to talk to you DSFGJJKL i know they let me live in their house at my big age#but that's only bc id literally be homeless otherwise and they're not like evil. they just don't love me#also went through a deeply embarrassing breakup recently#tl;dr ive been in love with this person for over a decade and i thought they were the dan to my phil or vice versa.#then after 10 years they left me and i'll spare the details but it has me wondering if they ever loved me#i thought it was a “let's live together and get a cat one day” relationship#but now i feel like for them. it was just a “sex and video games” type situation#i am trying soooo hard to at least be creative bc that makes me happy sometimes but it's hard to not be overly critical of myself#and now im getting to a point where i can barely even find any joy in this space any more. for a bunch of reasons#most of which revolve around me being extremely sensitive. and this is like my last bastion of dopamine so that fucking sucks#idk i don't see the point in my life any more. a social worker actually told me recently that i should consider euthanasia so.#it's just completely over for me i fear#this is not even mentioning all the damn migraines. and all the other ways in which my body simply doesn't work properly#sorry for this weird ass vent I'm not in therapy any more bc i couldn't find a therapist willing to treat me+all my diagnoses at this point#and im scared my friends will stop wanting to talk to me if i talk to them about this. several of them already have#the 2 friends i have left anyway. that's a whole other thing. when they said it's hard for autistic ppl to make friends i took that persona#so uh at this point it's vent here or develop a substance abuse problem. and im already halfway to having a substance abuse problem#anyway dan and phil for the love of god please fucking post something tonight. unfortunately you are my only hope
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justablah56 · 1 year
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think I'm currently experiencing a crush for the first time in like . 5-6 years and what the fuck . how do you allos just . deal with this . I don't . how do you even function .
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elliesbelle · 10 months
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NOW I HEAR YOUR VOICE EVERYTIME THAT I THINK I’M NOT ENOUGH
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#but literally like#that’s exactly what happens now#AND I FANTASIZE ABOUT A TIME YOU’RE A LITTLE FUCKING SORRY#LIKE???? is there NO guilt?!?! i have to live with the grief and you get to be fucking happy#‘i deserved to move on’ ‘you think it was easy to move on’ IDGAF you still moved on??????#YOU ONCE CALLED ME FOREVER NOW YOU STILL CAN’T CALL ME BACK#the FUCK happened to loving me always????????? through thick and thin???? i never stopped fucking loving you despite what i was going thru!!#all i feel now is fucking shame and disgust for myself because didn’t i fucking say?????? didn’t i fucking say you were gonna leave me again#and you swore you never would again!! then wtf happened!!!#you couldn’t handle my trust issues with you and i just know you hated me for not getting over them#i literally can never trust anyone ever again i am never trusting anybody with my fucking heart again EVER i can’t do it anymore#AND I JUST CANT IMAGINE HOW YOU COULD BE SO OKAY NOW THAT IM GONE#literally you’re fucking okay and in fucking LOVE with SOMEONE ELSE i am literally fucking NOTHING to you anymore#you always have and will ALWAYS find love in and with someone else and i never will again#the possibility of being with someone again literally disgusts me i am not doing it ever again#‘you’ll find someone else eventually’ i am NOT like YOU who always finds someone else i literally have NEVER found anyone else since you#i am literally and have never been enough and you don’t care#v#belle speaks
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fandom-blackhole · 7 months
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My friends, idk how, but im gonna figure out a way to share my final presentation with you guys for a class after I finish it. Because I'll be damned if I'm gonna be this passionate about this thing, do all the research, make a ppt AND cardboard tri-fold, and present this at a "Research Symposium" for 2 hours to whoever stops at my booth during finals week to not share with the people I like most 😤
Basically for the project we have to take a person or event and give background on them before analyzing them through a Social Psychology lense (bc the class is social psychology lol). AND GODS DO I LOVE SHIT LIKE THISSSSS. I will not be sharing what event I chose for two reason: 1) I want ya'll to read and learn about it through my post when I post it 😌 and 2) It's a REALLY obscure event from what I've gathered (like I barely have 5 sources for references and one's ONLY in german) and I doubt many would know what I was talking about.
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disdaidal · 4 months
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I'm already starting to regret that I joined yet another Discord server.
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puthyflapps · 10 months
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Swifties prove everyday that they’re the dumbest people on the internet and that’s really saying something cuz I’ve dealt directly with blarkes
#1) swifites always being racist toward Beyoncé#2) swifities doxxing a Palestinian girl and sending her info to the IDF cuz she said that there were better options for Time’s PotY#3) swifites beefing with North West – a literal child – cuz they thot she “shaded” Taylor#4) swifites commenting snake emojis on Kim K’s insta posts thinking they’re doing something other than driving up her engagement and lining#her pockets#t swift#also these are all just annoying things I’ve seen happen TODAY#I cannot wait until we are released from whatever govt psyop we’ve been under for the past few years cuz I’m over this endless string of#swift propaganda 🔫🔫🔫 it’s literally insane and no matter how many times I block people or hit not interested in posts I am still forced to#see shit about her like it is never ending and it’s so fucking exhausting like the way white women in particular make being a swifite their#whole personality is so embarrassing!!! THIS EOMAN CANNOT SING YALL!! AND IM TIRED OF BEING NICE AND SAYING SHE HAS DEVENT SONG WRITING#SKILLS CUZ SHE DOESNT!! EVERYTHING ABOUT HER IS MEDIOCRE AT BEST!!! SHE CANNOY SING AND HER LYRICS ARE THE MUSICAL EQUIVALENT OF WATTPAD FF!#I am so tired of this bullshit and I used to be able to find reprieve in football but no more!! cuz her and her annoying cult have#infiltrated that too like this shit is annoying and I feel like I’m going crazy cuz she’s everywhere and not in an organic way. In a very#strategic marketing capitalistic way and I love The Wilds but I hate how the fandom has like woven TS into everything there too like#I think I’m gonna commit a crime. I think imma toss someone through a brick wall cuz I’m losing it
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nothing like a call from your mother to make that escapism feel extra sweet
#oops vent post Look Away Look Away i am once again bleeding all over my blog#ohhhhh boy am i gonna get Creatively Active tonight#we love to see my living situation crash and burn oh boy oh boy#i get three more months and then!!! back into the fire i go!#and the frying pan was just starting to get cozy....#well! time to brush up on my masking and acting skills#absolutely unprompted#yknow it was actually funny#i went on a walk right after that call#and it felt like i was in a fucking movie. symbolism was ever#literally stood and stared at the 'no connection' street sign for a solid two minutes#feeling the Irony#then a black cat stopped and stared at me from down the road?#and a hummingbird flew over to look me in the eye??#walked under an apple tree but every single apple was rotting???#a fly decided to land on me for a split second and then flew away? felt Ominous#didnt see a raven though so thats a plus. or a minus. im not superstitious and i love ravens#plus side of being forced to move: i get to keep both of my cats and ill no longer be in this damn state.#negatives: living with my mom. her boyfriend. two dogs. in a state i strongly dislike. with no positive connections. in a basement.#its gonna be so fun! (sarcastic. lying. said through gritted teeth)#agh sorry sorry#once again treating tumblr like my personal diary#just. sigh.#well if i get a job right away and save up#maybe ill be able to find somewhere with roommates!#people my ageish! fellow queers perhaps! somewhere welcoming#where i can relax and feel Understood and perhaps even content with being alive#where i have room to not just force the love of existence but truly Feel it#i have hope! i have hope... i am miserable but one day! i may not be!#ive waited and survived this long! ill make it! i will fucking make it i swear to god
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